#I mean it’s theoretically possible since the prequels came out before them

[quibbs126]

They really are just Cookie Descole, like straight up this is how Descole disguises himself and how he gets revealed

[ralexsol]

On the Subject of Underverse S2

You read that correctly: this is a post about one of the greatest shows ever created, the Undertale animated series Underverse, written/animated by @jakei95​. I have a lot of theories that I’ve been pulling together ever since I watched both Underverse and Xtale (the Underverse prequel series). Maybe one or two have no basis in anything, but for some reason they popped into my head and I’ll stick by them until they’re proven incorrect. I will discuss the possibility of a Geno/Ink fight, Fresh!Ink, XI (you’ll definitely want to read their section!), and the fates of many different characters. This is quite the long post, so buckle up for a long ride.

Let’s begin!

GENO/INK FIGHT:

I’m putting this theory first because it is the least important. At some point in time, I somehow got it into my head that there is supposedly going to be a fight between Geno and Ink. I have no idea where I heard about this, and when I searched for any specific videos or posts about the subject, I found nothing. But I personally think a fight scene between Geno and Ink would be pretty cool, so I’m adding this in here.

FRESK!INK’S EXISTANCE:

This is a more relevant theory. Ever since Jakei announced that Fresh!Ink would be a part of Underverse, I have wondered how he would be incorporated. I don’t know if she means for him to be in the future “Beach Episode” or something more serious. (Of course, I know almost nothing about this supposed “Beach Episode”, which is apparently when Epic!Sans will be showing up, so I really wouldn’t know.) But there is an important thing to remember: Ink and Fresh made a deal in the first season.

Ever since I saw this Underverse - Xtra Scene 2, I have wondered what this “prize” could possibly be. What was Ink’s side of the deal? What did he promise Fresh? Hmm... maybe a new body to take over?

Ink’s body doesn’t have a SOUL- that’s basic “Undertale AU Knowledge 101″. What does this have to do in regards to Fresh? To my best knowledge, the actual parasitic creature True!Fresh feeds off the souls of other creatures to survive. In fact, his soul-feeding would kill his victims if he stayed long enough in one body, but he likes to play it safe and leave his victims alive in case he needs to use their body again. But he wouldn’t need to do this with Ink. Because of Ink’s SOULless nature, Fresh could theoretically feed off his body forever. Some might object that since Ink doesn’t have a SOUL, Fresh wouldn’t be able to feed off him. But then how does Fresh!Ink exist?

So, what was their deal? Fresh watches over the Xtale AU while Ink is gone, and after Cross and X!Chara are taken care of, Ink comes back and lets Fresh take over his body for a little while. There may be something else I’m missing, but the pieces seem to make sense.

XI’S PURPOSE:

For those of you who don’t know who XI is, I suggest you watch this video about Jakei’s Overwrite merch. This is when the character of XI was introduced to us, back on good ol’ April 1st, 2019. Haha, yes, the joke character of XI- funny April Fool’s Day video, a good laugh for everyone. Jakei has made a few comics about XI since then, but overall, XI hasn’t been involved in Xtale or Underverse so far. That has never sat right with me, and I’ve always thought there would be something more to him. I was proven absolutely correct when Xtale - The Movie came out. But before we discuss the little extra scene tagged onto the end of that video, I would like to point out some very interesting facts about XI.

On October 6th, 2019, Jakei posted a traditional speedart. Obviously, the art is gorgeous like always and every time I watch it I wonder if I will ever get to the level of skill she is at. But besides that, there is a very important aspect about this video. In the speedart, Jakei drew two pictures: one of X!Chara and X!Frisk fighting, and one of XI. In XI’s picture, they are depicted in full armor with a magical purple sword & shield.

Hmmm... I wonder who this could possible resemble?

Every time XI is shown, whether it be in comics or artwork, their bangs hang over their eyes. Their armor looks exactly like Kris’s from Deltarune. Heck, they both use a sword and a shield! What does this mean? XI is X!Kris. There is no way to deny this. This is why they are X!Chara’s and X!Frisk’s little sibling. I would also like to point out XI’s silver oval locket. I find it interesting how he has a different piece of jewelry from everyone else- all other important characters in Xtale have a matching golden heart locket. Does XI also have people he has given copies of this necklace to? Perhaps X!Susie and X!Ralsei, if they exist? But XI being X!Kris is only the beginning of this theory. Remember how I mentioned Xtale - The Movie earlier? Take a look at this picture.

This is a five-second frame pegged at the very end of the video, after an entry written in wingdings by Mister XGaster himself. The message is as follows:

Entry Number Eleven: As clear as a reflection in a mirror, I have found the most perfect projection of forbidden visions. Get ready. Your time is coming.

Okay, just whoa. Not only is the entry #11, but the person standing there is XI. Oh, and let’s take a closer look at what they’re holding in their hand.

I knew that silver locket was going to be important. There is no way that XI is not going to play a major part in either Underverse S2 or hmm... maybe a spin-off about the Xtale versions of Deltarune characters? To my knowledge, Jakei has not said anything about her plans after she finishes Underverse. She has her Metadora project, and I am aware that her husband @nyxtheshield​ is planning out his own Undertale series- someone will need to animate that, and I’m sure she would be able and willing to do the job. She has stated that there will be no seasons of Underverse after S2, and the finale will be 1.0. But that doesn’t mean she won’t make a new series. If she does, will it be about all the Deltarune characters? Will the other Xtale characters show up at certain points in it? Will XGaster play a large part in it? There is no way to know, as the idea of a new show is simply drawn from that there may not be enough time in S2 to fully expand what XI is.

In any case, XGaster states in the entry that “your time is coming”. This could either reference a new show or XI’s appearance in Underverse. I find it extremely interesting how XGaster words his message. “The most perfect projection of forbidden visions.” What does that mean exactly? XGaster has seen something in one of his many visions, obviously. The most perfect image of prohibited sights. XI is a person that stands for something that should not be allowed to exist. That makes sense- XGaster, a man, somehow got pregnant and birthed them, as shown in the Overwrite merch video. The “forbidden visions” might imply that he has seen something quite “cursed”, as us modern Internet-users would say. But then he tells this projection to get ready, because their time is coming. XGaster is telling XI to prepare themself. This just proves that XI and XGaster are tied together very closely, and that if XI does get their own series with X!Ralsei and X!Susie, XGaster will be involved.

Whew! That’s a lot of information to take in all at once. This was the big “theory” I wanted to discuss, so now we will move on to the different fates I believe may befall some of our beloved characters.

INK, FOR GOOD OR FOR WORSE?:

Ah, Ink. One of the true protagonists of Underverse. Remember: a protagonist is not necessarily a hero, just one of the leading characters. It has been seen that his story arc is the most important throughout the entire story. He is the one that inspired XGaster. He is the one that made XGaster’s plan succeed. And he very well might be the one to make it fail.

Wait, you’re asking me. I thought he was on XGaster’s side? What do you mean he will make it fail?

I didn’t want to address whether Ink was going to stick with XGaster or flip until a certain song was posted by Nyx two days ago on December 5th, “Soulless Heart”. If you haven’t listened to it yet, go ahead and click that link because the song is beautiful and absolutely necessary to continue on with this theory! The song is the Underverse 0.5 Ending Theme, and guess who it’s about? You guessed it, our good old buddy chum pal Ink. I’ve been listening to it on repeat since it came out, and it really is incredible. (Nyx, if you’re somehow reading this, I would like to personally congratulate you, because not only is the music amazing but mwah! Your voice is a joy, and I would not have any other singer do the vocals.) But the most important thing about the song is the lyrics. Here’s the first verse.

How long have I been longing

to be free and not broken

in this ocean of hollowness?

I don’t want to be forgotten.

Instantly, the lyrics hit you hard. This is about Ink, though, so you can’t expect anything less. Essentially, the song is about the emptiness that Ink feels without a SOUL. This goes along with one of his main aspects in Underverse. The only reason why he worked with XGaster to make sure XGaster’s game worked was so he could feel more emotions. As a chaotic neutral character, Ink literally only cares about himself and his personal goals. But what is interesting about this song is that he addresses the pain he has caused.

Sacrificial lambs

laid upon my path

now are broken worlds

killed by senseless wrath.

Ink knows that he has hurt people. I mean, in the present timeline when 0.5 is to be set, Ink’s actions just caused Error to literally “pull the plug” and destroy all the AUs. (Although, how many AUs were actually destroyed is impossible to determine, because there are still multiple Sanses that will be incorporated into S2 that were residing in their AUs at the time of their supposed destruction.) Ink knows that this is his fault. And now that XGaster has won, Ink will be receiving all those emotions he wanted! In the S2 teaser, which was released on the original Underverse 0.5 release date (the episode was unfortunately delayed due to issues with Nyx’s distributor, RouteNote), shows something very important.

Look at those vials in his hand. Those aren’t just colored vials. Well, they are, but their colors are especially important. Look at their specific colors: orange, yellow, and amber. Previously, Ink’s vials have been seen as very straightforward: roy g biv, that sort of thing.

You have one or maybe two variations, although in this picture there seems to be about four different aqua vials. But there certainly isn’t an amber vial. This goes to show that XGaster followed through on his promise, and Ink has a lot more variations in his color-coded emotion vials. The obvious conclusion from this is that he can feel a lot more things than he thought was possible- including guilt. With his newfound feelings, he could realize that what he did wasn’t just wrong, it was horrible. He might start to blame himself for getting all the AUs destroyed, which in turn might result in a betrayal of XGaster. With his emotions, he would become a real good person. But ultimately, without XGaster’s Overwrite abilities, Ink’s new emotions will fade and he will return to be the same old Ink as before. He will no longer understand why he sacrificed his emotions, and the cycle will start anew. Ink will never be truly happy, because being happy will always mean the suffering of others.

Or, Ink will stick with XGaster. It would be the same fate, after all; if the heroes defeat XGaster, Ink will still lose those emotions. This, though, might leave him feeling bitter and even more willing to do anything to get what he wants, which could potentially lead to him becoming a real villain. Perhaps XGaster isn’t the final boss of Underverse. Maybe the one to start everything will be the one to finish everything.

XGASTER AND UT!GASTER:

This wouldn’t be a real theory post without discussing our favorite fanfiction writer, would it? And yes, XGaster is literally a fanfiction writer. He has symptoms of OCD concerning the world-building of his universe and he just loves to add as much angst as humanly (or monsterly) possible. It just so happens that he lives in his own created universe, so his creations have the pleasurable chance at getting revenge.

Now, there are obviously two ways that Underverse can go: XGaster succeeds, or XGaster fails. This doesn’t necessarily mean that this will be the ending of S2. As I mentioned above, perhaps XGaster will be defeated at the end of 0.9 and 1.0 will be about everyone trying to stop Ink from taking the Overwrite SOUL for his own, I don’t know. In any case, I don’t really have anything to discuss about XGaster specifically, but I am pretty sure I know what his last scene will be if he happens to lose.

It is shown in the Underverse S2 Prologue - Owners that XGaster and UT!Gaster spent a lot of time together in the Void between the events of Xtale and Underverse. Not only do they hold an entire conversation together in Owners, but in Underverse 0.1 when Sans is hit in the head with a ball, he has a vision of the two of them standing together.

In XGaster’s and UT!Gaster’s conversation in Owners, UT!Gaster tells XGaster that he will fail in his quest for perfection. XGaster brushes him off because he’s an egotistical prick, yadda yadda. But this conversation is important because I believe it will parallel the ending of XGaster’s quest. In the end, UT!Gaster will approach his old Void-buddy and tell him to just give up on his pointless venture. XGaster will turn to dust after saying something like, “I will never give up”, and then we have Ink going on a rampage. That’s pretty much all I have to say on them, but I thought it would be worth adding.

DREAM AND NIGHTMARE:

Lastly, we have the brothers. As with XGaster and UT!Gaster, I don’t have much to add with them. But I do believe they will both play a major role in S2. They will be the overseers of the battle to come. Out of all the characters in the Undertale fandom, they are the most omnipotent. They are the protectors of the Tree of Feelings, which is one of three trees to give the Multiverse life. In Underverse 0.4, when X!Chara accused Nightmare of “watching us all this time as if we were part of a show”, Nightmare responded by saying:

Of course, Nightmare mostly means himself, Error, and Ink. Dream is much more active in helping people be happy, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t on the same god-tier level as his brother. Dream could sit back and watch the world tick, but he chooses not to because that goes against his morals.

In other words, Dream and Nightmare will probably affect the outcome of Underverse more than any other characters. They’re both pissed about what Error did: all those people that Dream cared about were murdered, and Nightmare can no longer generate negative feelings from innocents. They both have invested interest in this Multiverse war now, and their powers will certainly come to the forefront.

I believe that at the end of the story, the Multiverse will essentially go back to the exact way it was before Xtale was invented. XGaster will be dead, the Xtale characters will be put back in their AU, the other AUs will be restored, and at the end of it all, Dream and Nightmare will be once again pitted against one another. We may even see an alliance between them during Underverse S2 to stop XGaster, but afterwards, they will reestablish their rivalry. Unless the Omega Timeline comes into play, which it very well might, I don’t see the two brothers reconciling.

CONCLUSION:

Thank you everyone who took the agonizingly long time to read this! I hope this shed some light on certain characters (especially XI) and encourages to make some of your own theories. Stay safe and good night!

[docfuture]

Princess, part 9

     [This story is a prequel, set several years before The Fall of Doc Future, when Flicker is 16.  Links to some of my other work are here.  Updates were theoretically biweekly–more realistically, I’m going to try to get the next one out by early June.]

Previous: Part 8

     Senses were funny things.  You could use them without having any idea how they worked, or even that you had them.  Ask most people how many senses there were and they would tell you 'five.'  Then ask about balance and you might get a frown, a thoughtful look, or a rationalization, depending on the person.       Even after Flicker had acquired Database access, it had taken her quite a while to realize that there were senses she had that humans didn't have, or didn't use quite the same way.  When she did, she'd talked to Sealord, who most people thought of as the 'ruler' of the Deep Kingdoms--the truth was way messier, but Sealord was resigned to the human preference for simple fictions over complicated facts.  He was a giant squid who could shapeshift into human form for communication and diplomatic purposes, and he'd been willing to indulge Flicker's curiosity with several long conversations about sensory differences.  That had helped her appreciate how profoundly senses affected thinking, and how some things she found strange about normal humans were natural consequences of having different senses.       Flicker had a mass sense.  Most humans didn't.  They had to estimate it by sight, touch, or experience.  That felt weird to her.  Doc had confirmed that the only reason humans didn't injure themselves as a result even more often than they did was a significant amount of effort put into engineering their environment around the problem.       She didn't actively use it much while stationary.  The resolution wasn't great except near her fingertips, and even then, sight was better if the light was adequate.  Mass sense didn't connect to her mind the same way vision did, so it was laborious to use it to read carved letters or braille.  Intervening mass made it a little fuzzier, but it still let her tell if someone was right on the other side of a door that might need to suddenly disappear, or find a breaker panel even if some idiot had covered it.  It really came into its own when she was moving--the faster the better.  It was at the core of her reflexes for maneuvering and collision avoidance.  It worked in the dark, couldn't be blocked, and always let her know which way was down.       It also let her sense things that were quite far away, if they were massive enough.  Like the Sun.       And the Moon.       That made it better than sight right now.  On flat ground or water when she was running around on Earth, her velocity vector was necessarily tangent to Earth's surface.  If she wanted it to be pointing at the Moon when she jumped, that meant the Moon had to be on the horizon.  Except it looked like it was above it to eyes, because air bent light.  Her visor could compensate, but she didn't need it.  She could see the Moon's mass.       She was at the right place, at the right velocity.  It was the right time.  She jumped.       Down.       Jumping up wasn't safe.  That was a bone-deep reflex for Flicker, ingrained for longer than she could remember.  The only safe direction to jump was towards a large mass.  If she got out of momentum transfer range of the ground--about 50 meters--it was scary enough.  She had practiced that by jumping back and forth between canyon walls, and the vastly decreased ability to change her vector had been frightening and disturbing, but endurable.  Up, at high velocity, was not.       But down...  Down worked.       Flicker jumped down toward the surface of the Moon at five percent of the speed of light, trailing plasma as she left Earth's atmosphere behind.       *****       Yesterday.       Doc leaned back in the chair at his workstation and took a sip of coffee.       "Still a lot of failure modes," he said.  "Some because of the number of variables we have to extrapolate rather than interpolate.  And more from mechanics we don't even know about yet.  But if that wasn't true, you wouldn't need Speedtest.  All your support will be ready for tomorrow."       "Do you think I should wait longer?" asked Flicker.       "That's a decision no one but you can make.  You've done all your preparation and backups.  The Database says your judgement is within appropriate limits.  If you think you should wait, then wait.  I won't argue.  But no, I don't think it would necessarily help.  Your disinclination to delay further is reasonable.  The world doesn't stand still--waiting for a perfect time can be a trap.  Speedtest was always going to be risky."       "You don't think Journeyman's Diviner data was relevant?"       "I wouldn't go that far.  I have been taking precautions in case someone's been waiting until you're gone to try triggering a nuclear war or something similarly idiotic."       "Oh.  Any further news from him?"       "Last word was that he had been unable to contact anyone else helpful," said Doc.  "Which is understandable.  Trying to use divination to control a global level timing decision might be causally unstable--and a positive feedback loop in either back-propagation or future causal reinforcement could get quite nasty for them."       "What's your estimate for success chances?" she asked.  "DASI won't give me anything quantitative.  Says it's an overinterpretation hazard."       "Then I'm afraid you won't find mine very useful," said Doc. "It's too dependent on judgements you'll be making on the spot, after you have more data.  So I'm not willing to commit to numbers either."       A deep breath.  "How about something qualitative?"       "Very well.  I think you're almost certain to arrive at the Moon physically able to collect data, quite likely to make it back to Earth still mobile, reasonably favored to return technically alive, and have a decent chance at avoiding serious injury.  All return possibilities drop to near zero if you get an abort call from Breakpoint and don't listen."       "Technically alive means I don't have to try a mass template restore to survive?"       "Or need isotope exchange to avoid the death of your physical body from extreme radioactivity or an unlivable isotope balance.  Your powers do not appear to confer complete immunity to nucleosynthesis.  That's why I beefed up the force fields on the rad-hardened regen tank and moved it next to the exchanger and the cooling channels for the isotope burner.  I don't think it's the most likely scenario--but it is one that can be ameliorated by proper preparation.  Possibly.  It still wouldn't be pleasant."       Flicker snorted.  "Well, duh.  We planned it out to find the unpleasant surprises while we're ready.  How about data?"       "The Volunteer already dropped off the sensors and repeaters, and you have a robust set of communication backups for interim reports and emergencies.  Get back reasonably intact and you can update details in person."       She looked at him.  He wouldn't say 'Be careful'.  But he knew how she felt about the data.  That was pure Doc.  That was... okay.       Flicker smiled.  "All right," she said.       *****       Now.       Fear was normally an emotion Flicker could remove to a distance by speeding up her mind--it was a thing of chemistry or memory.       Not her problem with heights, though.  That was her speed mind subconscious letting her know, in no uncertain terms, that Something was Wrong.  She was ready for it.       She was less ready for the cascade of alarms and less identifiable information from speed mind and body that started piling up as soon as she left most of the atmosphere behind.  They roughly mapped to itchiness, tingling, and discomfort in places she hadn't even known she had, and whose topology and even dimensionality was not immediately obvious.  But she was in an environment she'd never experienced before--a vacuum, far from mass, with significant velocity toward her destination--so she'd expected something new.       She sped her mind up more to catalog everything and record her impressions for the Database.  That beat anxious waiting during what would otherwise be a subjectively interminable coast phase of her journey to the Moon.  She also tried to interpret what she could.       One existing alert that was usually omnipresent whenever she moved had gone silent--okay, that was hazardous mass flow, since she was now moving through vacuum.  Never mind that several other alarms were complaining about said vacuum--not that it was a vacuum, but that it was the wrong kind.  The constant01 was too low, constant02 was too high, several somewhat less important constants were nevertheless far outside tolerances, and many things wanted recalibration.       And there was a nagging feeling:  Her untranslated01 was locked down by override, so constant03 was too high--a potential hazard; did she want to start the override reset process so she could restore constant03 to default?  A least within--okay, same range as her momentum transfer, so--50 meters?       Puzzle her way through the correspondences.  Constant03 matched the scale factor for the electromagnetic quantum.       She wasn't sure what her untranslated01 was, but it wanted to turn itself on and change Planck's constant to some unknown default, everywhere within 50 meters.       Nooooo, I don't think so.       A bit of fear was back.  Flicker noted a few things that might become relevant to her tests, then started carefully putting up mental hazard tape around new internal regions of Don't Want to Mess With That.       *****       Closing in on the Moon, finally.  Flicker's visor told her she was approaching at about 15,000 kilometers per second, or 0.05c.  But she didn't really need it as long as she was going reasonably fast.  As part of her mass sense, she could tell her velocity relative to any massive frame of reference.  And the sense was much sharper when she wasn't damping and compensating for a constant bombardment of passing air.       Her velocity was fine--direction was nearly straight down towards a spot close to the center of the visible disc of the Moon.  And her inertial damping and momentum transfer also felt crisper.  Could she get a frame lock before she landed?  Time to find out.       Feet first, arms extended above her head, feeling for that welcome mass.  100 meters.       3 more microseconds.  55 meters.       Approaching 50...  Frame lock!  Hello Moon!       Decelerate.  Ten billion g's straight, with a frame locked momentum dump on top.  It hit the moon like a tiny pulse of gravitational waves.       Slower, slower, nanoseconds rushing by.  Under 100 km/s.  Toes touched, still decelerating.       Flex the knees, swing her arms down, and... stationary!  Distance 0, velocity 0.       She stood.  Damn, solid ground felt good.  And she'd managed it without any plasma or explosions--just a spray of dust as the lunar surface rebounded from the momentum transfer.  She sent a landing summary com dump to the nearest repeater, and received prerecorded congratulations from DASI in return.  She tilted her head back and looked up at the Earth.       "Hey Doc," she sent.  "No crash.  No crater.  No fireball.  No problem.  The Flicker has landed."       She didn't wait for a reply before she started accelerating.  That would take more than 2 seconds, and she had work to do.  Data to gather.       *****       Setup.  Move.  Test.  Send data and analyze.  Flicker fell into a pleasant rhythm.  The lack of atmosphere made everything crisper--it was easier to distinguish more distant details with her mass sense when there wasn't air in the way.  The solid frame lock was a joy; the absence of things like buried cables, basements, sewers, and other man-made voids meant a more assured connection to the ground, and the lack of life and air meant she didn't have to juggle side effects.  This let her change direction far more easily if she didn't also change speed--sharing momentum with an intangible 'Moon hug' allowed her to dissipate less energy staying on the surface, even though it was smaller than the Earth and she was moving faster.       A lot faster.       And she confirmed something interesting about her mass sense.  The velocity part was not a side effect.  She wasn't sensing mass so much as spacetime curvature, including all the changes caused by her velocity.  She could use relativity to see.  It showed her an odd universe--but it didn't get any more odd when she sped up, and all her regular senses did.  It let her aim--without using her visor--at something she was approaching obliquely at a significant fraction of the speed of light, and still hit it with a tossed object.  (A tiny one--she didn't want to cause too big a fireball.)       And the speed measure she sensed wasn't a thing of distance over time, or even a direct comparison to light.  It was a scale factor--a number--and a very practical one.  Gamma.       What was gamma?  Gamma was the most useful thing to know about your speed when you were going real fast.  When relativity wasn't just noticeable, but dominant.       Most popular explanations of special relativity described strange effects that became apparent when you were traveling close to the speed of light.  Distances got shorter, time slowed down, masses increased.  But how much shorter?  Gamma.  How much slower?  Gamma.  Increased by what factor?  Gamma.       How did you find it?  Well, if you knew the velocity of an object you could calculate it: It was 1 over the square root of 1 minus v squared over c squared.  But Flicker didn't need to calculate it.  She could feel it.       A whole bunch of physics equations had a simple form that was really a low speed approximation, and more complicated accurate form for fast things that used gamma.  Or the Lorentz factor, if you were being formal or talking to radiation people who were twitchy about high energy photons of the same name.  Standing still was gamma 1, and it went up from there.  All the way up, because it made something very clear about the speed of light.  No matter how close you got to it, you were still infinitely far away, because the speed of light was infinite gamma.       Another thing it made clear was how relatively slow she had to go on Earth.       Her jump to the Moon had been at 0.05c, which corresponded to a gamma of 1.00125 or so.       Her normal Earth speed limit was 0.2c--gamma 1.021.       She moved between tests at 0.8c--gamma 1.667, and the effects were quite noticeable.  The whole Moon was flattened--but only in the direction she was traveling.  Every object was flattened or stretched, and the light coming from them made them look twisted.  For the trial run for the final speed test she'd gone up to 0.96c--gamma 3.571. That turned the Moon into a modestly thick disc, with her constantly cresting the edge.  And pushing down hard to stay on the surface.  How hard scaled with both velocity squared and gamma squared.  The frame lock let her do it, but 60 billion g's down was still a lot.  Sensors and her visor had started picking up some unusual effects, so Doc and the Database were analyzing them back on Earth while she finished up everything else.       One thing that had turned out to be a bigger problem than expected was dust.  Not regular surface dust, which Flicker was careful not to disturb unnecessarily, but the tiniest particles from the interplanetary dust cloud, sifting down to the surface of the Moon unhindered by air.  They weren't collectively anywhere near as dense as air, but they were too small to avoid, too common to ignore, just fast enough to replenish cleared paths, and too isolated and erratic to deflect with her usual flow and plasma tricks.  Her inertial damping kept them from causing much direct damage, but her space modified costume was rapidly becoming radioactive, and they had the potential to cause other problems.       She finished the last of the extended tests, then slowed down to breathe.  She was running low on oxygen, so she topped off her small, hardened supply from the tank in the preplaced stash.  She could go without breathing for quite a while if she had to, but it wasn't fun.  The tank and its backup were in somewhat less radiation and shock tolerant containers, and that looked like it might become a problem.  She sent off her preliminary test assessment to Earth, then browsed Database inferences while she waited for Doc's reply.       "I concur with the plasma-cleared torus for the final run," said Doc.  "It will stay dust-free for long enough.  Go as fast as you feel safe.  I won't be able to talk to you, but I'll be monitoring.  Don't worry about anything else.  Good luck, and see you soon."       Flicker smiled.  At last.  The Speedtest grand finale.       How fast dare I go, with nothing in the way?  I shall run and find out.       She felt as free as she'd ever been.       *****       First great circle circuit, deliberately kicking up Moon dust at gamma 3.5. Done in 38 milliseconds for the Moon, 11 for her.       Second circuit, turning the dust into a continuous plasma tunnel blasting outward to repel or vaporize anything new that might wander into her way.       Back around to begin the third circuit.       And deep inside her mind, she decided something else.  There were no intelligent beings closer to her than Earth, over a light second away.  There was no one else who could think inside her light cone, and wouldn't be, for over a second, unless something very strange--and very damning--happened.  She had projectiles ready, just in case.  But she didn't think anything would.       Because she wasn't just testing, she was hunting.       "That's a decision no one but you can make," Doc had said.  With more implications than were obvious.  She could go for a safer final test--or push to the limit.  And no one, no one, could know in advance.  She took counsel of the plasma noise, random fluctuations.  Unique to this worldline and unpredictable.       And made her choice.       She did not forget the thin threads that connected her to humanity, even while she was out here, far enough away that no one else would get hurt.  She remembered silly bits and pieces of life, collected haphazardly like precious mementos, that made her as human as she could be.           Vacuum calls to me           Many universes sing           I dance in this one       She started accelerating.       *****       Gamma 20, circling the Moon.  A circuit would take just 2 milliseconds for her--if she stopped accelerating, which she didn't.  Just under 37 milliseconds for the Moon.  That wasn't going to change change much anymore, she was already over 0.99c.  She had fully clamped down on her body with her power, preserving every nucleus in every atom of her body in its relative local position, regardless of now-forbidden chemistry.  The electrons were still free to move, and did, streaming outwards, carrying entropy that now had few other ways to escape.  New electrons kept arriving, pulled by her increasing positive charge, but they were expelled in turn.       She moved in a very strange realm, twisted and Doppler shifted, full of increasingly furious radiation from solar wind and residual plasma particles encountered at massive speed.  But they were essentially standing still.  The speed was all hers.  They were just in the way.       *****       She was hunting a probability manipulator, possibly an Oracle, certainly one that had access to visions of the future--and one who wished her ill.  Whoever had sent Hermes, so carefully timed to hit her at a weak point.  And possibly given her an extra push to sabotage her relationship with Journeyman.  But they had done nothing traceable.  Yet.  She was giving them an opportunity to change that.  A very tempting one.       *****       Gamma 70.  Almost 0.9999c.  Tiny second order effects were becoming large, and previously unnoticed third order ones were becoming noticeable.  The frame-locked centripetal acceleration downward, keeping her near the surface as she speed skated over the Moon, had become massive, and those tiny effects were generating heat.  She was entropy dumping it into the lunar surface at a significant rate now.       *****       How much could an Oracle see?  They weren't perfect; they couldn't be.  And how fast could they see a new future, if it changed?  Doc's time loop theories set limits on that.  So many theories, which ones were right?  Who could know?  But there were predictions in common.  And there was something special about the fifty ciruit limit for the final run of Speedtest.  It would extend over an interval long enough for light--and causality--to get from Earth to the Moon.  Barely.  But not long enough for a round trip.       So an Oracle might see a beginning of Speedtest from Earth, and the right time and place and worldline to send a probability manipulation pulse to affect the end.  Or they could see an end, and the time and place to join that Earth.  But not both.       *****       Gamma 707.  0.999999c.  Near full ionization--the electrons couldn't keep up as she pulled them from the ground and the surrounding plasma.  Her body sent a banshee wail of synchrotron radiation outward as she pulled down at trillions of g's to stay on the Moon.  Her visor had died; nothing electronic could hope to survive the flux she was sending out now.  But it wouldn't be much longer.       *****       She hadn't told Journeyman.  She hadn't told Doc.  She hadn't told DASI.  She'd made her choice in a small part of her high speed mind intended for diagnostics.  It was the right size for a human-like mind, if not remotely human shaped.  It was enough.  She'd set her trap.  She was the trap.  Her would-be nemesis could take what looked like their best shot, localizing themselves to a particular Earth worldline--but not if they wanted to see how it all turned out.       Flicker bared her teeth.       *****       Gamma 2886.  0.99999994c.  A complete circuit would take less than 13 microseconds subjective because of time dilation.  An outside observer would measure her mass at 144 metric tons.  Over 10^22 Joules of kinetic energy, more than 3,000 gigatons of TNT.  She was still moving stably, but the side effects were just becoming too much.  Flicker stopped accelerating, holding her speed steady as she approached the far side of the Moon before her planned deceleration.  She hadn't quite managed the full fifty circuits, but she didn't want to tear the Moon apart, and the strip of ground under her had already absorbed a massive amount of energy from her entropy dumping.  She had her data--it was time to slow down.  Too bad.  Her trap didn't seem to have--       Her entropy dumping weakened, then stopped completely.  Internal alarms blared and she started heating up.  Quickly.       There it was.  Got you, you bastard.       Now to stay alive.  First, get around to the far side before her temperature rose too--       Her frame lock started to waver, releasing a blast of energy when she compensated.       Shit.  Hang on.  Earth should not have line of sight to what was about to happen.       Let go of non-essentials.  Dump them--she could still connect to everything inside her 10 centimeter inertial damping range.  Costume, hood, remaining projectiles, now-useless visor, hair.  Blast them away at 50 million K.  Up and forward.  Push out energy and momentum.  That got her over the horizon.       The frame lock broke.  Facing almost directly away from Earth.  Yeah, that was how the bastard had planned to get rid of her--off into interstellar space at relativistic speed with no hope of survival, let alone return.       Her regular acceleration limit was 10 billion g's.  She needed way more to stay near the Moon at this speed, and had no time to slow down.  But there was a way.       Curve around, heating up.  Torrents of particles inside her, pair production from pushing too hard.  Heat.  Pain.  Alarms.  She altered her path slightly.  Dust was the least of her worries.  But one last push, and she could slow down enough to stay near the surface.  The oldest way.       Lithobraking.       This is going to hurt.       Flicker, still moving at a gamma of over 2700, ran head on into a mountain at the edge of the South Pole--Aitken basin.       Discontinuity.       *****       Shattering fragments of intruding nucleons.  Neutrinos.  Angry photons, disintegrating every nucleus that wasn't hers.  More neutrinos.  Sprays of high-mass, short-lived hadrons.  Even more neutrinos.  Energy and entropy with nowhere to go pulling quarks from the vacuum.       Heat and pain.  Alarms screaming, distantly.  Was she below the Hagedorn temperature yet?       Enough.  Radiate ALL the neutrinos.  They could get out without running into anything, unlike everything else.       Keep curving around, the Moon was still there.  At least ahead of her.  What was behind her was less important.  Push entropy into a smaller and smaller region inside.  Concentrate the heat.  Keep pumping out neutrinos.       Until Flicker finally cooled, and slowed to a crawl.  Still intact.       Well, relatively cool.  Under a billion kelvins.  And a relative crawl, gamma 3 or so.       And relatively... wait.  Why was she more massive?  Her nuclei were still there--at least the same elements, she had that locked in.       Was it foreign matter in her lungs and gastrointestinal tract?  No... Some nucleons had started fusing again after photodisintegration, run through the CNO cycle, and the resulting helium was now merrily alpha-processing its way up the curve of binding energy.  Reassuringly normal physics, if not the sort she generally wanted inside her body. But it was very low density.  Not enough to explain--       Oh.  "Your powers do not appear to confer complete immunity to nucleosynthesis."  That weird feeling and extra mass was a vast excess of r-process heavy isotopes left from neutron bombardment by the fragments of the mountain she'd run through.       She was...  Gods and monsters she was a mess.  Excessively radioactive, and going to stay that way until the millisecond isotopes decayed.  Technically alive didn't look like it was happening soon, even after electrons came back.  Time to try for 'back to Earth still mobile'.       No way to dump heat but radiation, so she radiated as she pushed down to stay on the last arc of her great circle curve.  She sensed the Earth clearly, the welcome mass of home.  Finally, it rose above the horizon and she could let go.  Jump back down to Earth.       Goodbye, Moon.  It was nice meeting you.  Sorry about the mess.       *****       Flicker spared a microsecond for a hunt assessment as she plummeted back towards Earth, radiating copiously.  Things didn't look good for fast pursuit of whoever had hit her with the attack.  Most of her normal senses were down--her flesh body had turned into a strangely rigid plasma, a bare framework for what might eventually be something humanlike again.  Her com options were down to glorified handwaving and signal cannons, and even if she could get triangulation data quickly after getting back to Earth, the list of things wrong catalogued by her speed mind was more than a human mind could comprehend.  It was hard to set up alarm flood handling for body parts you didn't know you had, and those early itchy complaints about lack of calibration had had a point.  At least some of the alerts seemed to be consequences of self-repair.  They kept her mind off damage, and pain.  Silver linings...       Her untranslated01 was being passive-aggressive about altering Plank's constant again, with damage mitigation suggestions implying that if she was insistent on using neutrino cooling in such an (untranslated) (untranslated) environment, it would help.  Or maybe she was just projecting; she would be snarky in the kind of alarms you generally only saw after ignoring many 'No! Stop! Unsafe!' ones.       Sorry, still no messing with Plank's constant.       Flicker was going to have enough trouble drag braking by momentum transfer in the upper atmosphere.  Even if she just used it to buffer her inherent deceleration, it would be unstable for induced torque, and she would have to add energy to keep from spinning violently.  How much?  She didn't know; she hadn't planned on coming home quite this fast.  And she really wanted to limit her energy dissipation to kilotons instead of megatons.  She was going to reenter over the Pacific, but pulling a super-Tunguska on the way down would be obnoxious.       ...and the atmosphere was coming up quick, she could feel the flux increasing and oh, what a great time for her vertigo to come back.  Because her eyes weren't working, she was using mass sense to see and flux rates to maneuver and that didn't help with dizzyness.       Drag, trying to stabilize on the thin upper atmospehere, working as well as she'd expected:  Badly.       Torque.  Starting to spin.  Shit.  Counter it.  Shitshit too much.  Tumbling on a different axis.  Slow it.  Okay.       Plasma everywhere, had she dumped enough?  Gamma 1.12, not yet.  But the air was thick enough now she could start using her old inertial damping flow tricks, as long as she didn't care how much she heated up, so she stopped trying to fight it, just smoothed it out, let her momentum drop the old fashioned way.       Okay, it looked like it was going to be megatons after all, but spread out, and hopefully not too many...       Lower atmosphere, and surface of the ocean coming up.  Whoops, mass flow went up, what?  Ah, water, she was coming in through a thunderstorm, not ideal, but--wait, scratch that, she was insanely radioactive in Earth terms and she was about to hit salt water, fresh water was better to slow down...       Down to about 0.07c, and she didn't manage to frame lock until she was within 40 meters, bad timing with waves, but she could entropy dump again!  Relief!  She could finally--okay that was a lot of heat, she'd caused some fusion coming in, but it was just thermal X-rays, mostly, and...       This landing did cause a fireball.  But she'd made it back.  Now she needed to readjust her perspective to Earth-appropriate energy levels and start moving, because she was still radiating, a lot of it was neutrons, and the shock wave from her landing might--       Oh crap, what's that?  Density voids beneath the surface within a few kilometers, going to get hit by her impact shockwave.  What was... Whales.  She was seeing the air inside the lungs of whales with her density sense.  Were they far enough away to survive?  Maybe.  Anything else?       What was that, up in the sky?       Something human-sized, coming in at just over orbital speed--wait, she'd know that shockwave anywhere, no one else flew like that, it had to be the Volunteer.       Flicker sped over to just in front of him and slowed down enough for him to see--millisecond timescales, but how to talk?  She couldn't see, and her com was ancient history.       He could see.  And she could write.  Plasma letters in the air over the ocean.  She didn't need his help, but others did.       Shockwave.  Can't stay.  Save the whales.       He could get details from Doc, and it was time for her to go.  She dared not remain stationary for more than a few milliseconds yet--she was entropy dumping just to get down to solar surface temperatures, neutron activation was a thing, she needed some radiation time before it would be safe to head for Doc's, and salt water was not the best place for it.       South.  0.05c.  Her flow compensation in air was still shaky, not up to her usual standards, and she'd scattered plenty of high energy plasma around already.       *****       Antarctica.  Ross ice shelf.  Nothing but fresh water and dry air.  A good place to cool down, and as good as she was going to get to radiate neutrons.  Slow loops, down at a thousand kilometers per second, slow enough to be ghosting--if she hadn't been glowing hot.       Her path was predictable, and she finally heard a signal--an orbital pulse maser from Doc, sending coded bits she could feel directly.  Low bandwidth, noisy, but 'Threat gone'?  Had her attacker escaped already?       Anger kindled.  But she wasn't thinking clearly beyond immediate needs, too many things were still wrong--store the anger, there were places for it, places that wouldn't get completely cleared when she could finally sleep again.  She would remember, regardless.       Seconds stretched out.  But fresh water could absorb neutrons with very little persistent radiation, and her nuclei were settling down a bit--excited isomers and excess neutrons were making their way out, electrons were returning long enough to start accumulating, and her radiation profile was slowly dropping to the point where she might be able to actually stop somewhere with appropriate cooling.       More pulses.  'Pumps on.  Shields up.  Isotope exchanger ready.'       Doc was prepared.  And she needed that exchanger.  She was still clamped down hard, and had to stay that way, because she had too many nuclei that were too neutron heavy to be stable--and letting them decay would change them to different elements, and, say, carbon changing to nitrogen inside her DNA would be A Problem when she let the chemistry in her body restart.  To say nothing of all the tritium.  She needed time in the shop before she could even consider restarting biology and life.       A long time.  Hours, possibly days.  Not pleasant, not optional.       And she'd cooled and radiated enough.  Equilibrium decay temperature was manageable.  Time to head home.       *****       Back at Doc's, inside the force fields that protected everything else from her.  The pumps did their work bringing fresh water in range for entropy dumping, so she could cool without moving.  Isotope exchange started, hands and eyes first, so she could see and type for the rest.       She still had many questions.  But she'd survived Speedtest, discovered so much, run up to gamma 2886, 0.99999994c, weathered the attack, and made it home.  Soon she would be able to start recording data again, and ask some of those questions.  Her attacker appeared to have escaped.  But they had been triangulated, from the timing of the attack on the Moon along with signals extracted from the Omniresonators at the Database nodes.  There was a distinctive signature--and the attacker had fled, immediately, to another dimension, without waiting to see if their attack succeeded.  They feared her survival.       Flicker lived.  And she would not forget.

Next:  Part 10

[inqorporeal]

That’s Not How Hyperspace Works

I’m gonna rant for a bit. Can I rant? Nevermind, gonna rant anyway.

I hate How current Star Wars creators have handled hyperspace.

Well, I hate how it’s handled in general, because in the years since the Prequel Trilogy (PT) came out, they’ve been breaking their own rules.

Let’s take a step back.

I’m not ranting about infeasibility and unrealistic science. Fictional worlds are 100% allowed to make up their own physics rules. The trick is that those rules need to remain consistent. If there is one thing George Lucas did right, it was expressing how hyperspace worked in the media he had a direct hand in creating: the Original Trilogy (OT) and the PT are absolutely consistent about it. All films and shows produced since the PT have repeatedly fucked things up. (Yes, Rogue One, I love you but you’re massively guilty of this.)

This is kinda long, so hit the cut for more.

Here are the established rules of hyperspace travel, as understood from the OT and PT material:

Standard Real World laws of physics apply -- light-speed travel is not possible by conventional means. E=mC² and you’re a pancake in space.

Hyperspace travel bypasses the limitations of conventional physics

Hyperspace is affected by gravitational fields

Hyperspace travel happens in Real Time (meaning the time a traveler perceives as passing whilst in Hyperspace is identical to the time someone in Realspace perceives the traveler spending in transit)

It still takes time to travel from Point A to Point B

Hyperspace travel rarely happens in a straight line from Point A to Point B due to the presence of subspace anomalies and gravity wells.

The presence of hyperspace obstructions is more concentrated the closer one gets to the Core, and less concentrated towards the Rim, meaning hyperspace travel between outlying systems can theoretically be somewhat faster due to more direct hyperspace routes

In the OT, there’s no indication of how much time is spent traveling in hyperspace. However, the time spent IN hyperspace is not crucial to the plot, and as such, there’s little point in actively showing life onboard the starships whilst in transit.

In A New Hope, we don’t know how much time passes between the Millennium Falcon departing Tatooine on the Outer Rim and reaching Alderaan in the Core, but it’s intimated that there’s at least a couple days of travel: long enough that Ben doesn’t have to talk Luke through the few simple training exercises and Han doesn’t express outright shock at walking into the lounge to see a lit lightsaber. In the system I use for gauging travel time in FtRP -- which I will happily acknowledge is not canon* -- the fastest they could get there is roughly two and a half days, making use of the known hyperlane routes and some fancy flying by Han and Chewbacca to evade Imperial patrols at the points where they would have to drop out and course-correct. We know that Alderaan is destroyed during the last few hours of their journey, because that’s when Ben feels it. Later, the Death Star arrives in the Yavin system a comparable time after the Millennium Falcon does, and a bit further toward the system’s outer reaches (for a number of reasons up to and including the mass of the Death Star making it more subject to stellar gravity wells and thus requiring greater caution). Again, there’s no indication of how long the trip takes (my calculations say a bit shy of two days, but again, it’s not important to the plot).

A notable point where distance between worlds is actually rather important is in Attack of the Clones where Obi-Wan tries to send a message back to the Temple from Geonosis -- but without access to a signal-booster, his message doesn’t get much further than Tatooine (this is discussed in greater detail in The Droids Have Ears). If you look up any Star Wars galaxy map, the two systems are practically on top of each other -- still light years apart, but space is 3-dimensional in a manner the 2-D maps can’t properly express. It still takes a rescue team almost three days to get to Geonosis from Coruscant, and that’s with Yoda already having a head start on his way to Kamino after Obi-Wan’s previous communication. It might seem a long time to wait to hold a public execution, but if one wants to make a political statement of it -- as the Separatists under Dooku intended to -- there are certain preparations to be made, and a three-day delay isn't unfeasible.

And then the Clone Wars series and later films just throw all concept of how hyperspace works out the window. The Clone Wars makes a big deal over the hyperlanes and access to them; the later films either ignore travel time (Rogue One, ignoring a full day of travel between Yavin and Scarif), express a complete ignorance of physics by the creators (The Force Awakens), or just make a complete hash out of everything (The Last Jedi). Additionally, I was playing through the Shadow of Revan story in SWTOR and nearly tore my mohawk out over the assertion that hyperlane routes were being “changed” by heavy amounts of starship traffic.

Let’s start with the hyperlanes. What is a hyperlane, exactly? If you look up the resources online, most of which come from the old tabletop RPG, hyperlanes snake across the galaxy map seemingly at random, like highways on a map. They look pretty immutable, right?

A hyperlane is not a highway.

A hyperlane is not a fixed tunnel in hyperspace.

It is not possible to blockade a hyperlane.

It is not possible to change the path of a hyperlane via artificially inflating the traffic concentration

What a hyperlane is, is a well-mapped, established route that takes the shortest path between one point and another while avoiding obstructions.

A hyperlane is space!parkour. And just like regular parkour, a skilled navigator can plan their own routes, which might actually be faster, if a bit more risky. See, things in space aren't static: every object in space is continuously in motion, and thanks to gravity and inertia, everything is largely moving at the same rate in the same direction. But there are shifts, and by necessity there would be survey teams constantly updating the safest paths around objects in space, uploading the data to the HoloNet so that ships don't accidentally hit something unpleasant. If you're making up entirely new routes, you're playing with chance, but a good navigator takes those survey teams’ results into account.

When a ship enters hyperspace, it slides from the realspace dimension into a coterminate alternate dimension where matter reacts differently, enabling transit at speeds far outstripping that of light. Anything that falls off or is ejected from a ship in hyperspace falls back into realspace immediately. A ship may leave hyperspace at any time, although to do so without having reached a pre-set coordinate is risky. A ship my enter hyperspace from any point which is not being affected by a localised gravity well. A surprise localised gravity well such as that produced by an interdiction field or unanticipated stellar event will interrupt a ship’s transit in hyperspace, and prevent the ship from re-entering hyperspace until the ship has moved beyond the gravity well’s affect zone.

Communication is slightly different: the hyperspace beacons that enable HoloNet and other communications are set in a hyper-spatial state but in a fixed location. As has been established, ships in hyperspace cannot send or receive communications, but the beacons function by opening a tunnel -- effectively a tiny wormhole -- between two beacons and sending the information as a string of pulses between the fixed points. Because this method of transfer differs from physical hyperspace transit, it is possible to experience only the shortest of delays in communication with even the furthest-flung locations, while one still requires several days to cross the same distance physically.

Now that that’s established, let’s discuss the feasibility of a blockade.

Space

Is

Vast

You have no idea how vast it is.

To get a sense of perspective, let’s look at a smaller blockade first: the invasion of Naboo. Naboo’s diameter is 12,120 km. For reference, Earth’s diameter is 12,756km. So it’s about Earth-sized, a bit smaller. If you want to prevent a ship from getting onto a planet and you don’t have the benefit of a planetary defense shield, you need ships. Lots of ships. More than that. A bit more.

See, Star Wars weapons have a range limit. In theory, a weapon's discharge in null-gravity vacuum will continue off into nothingness at exactly the same power as it had when it left the weapon, but sci-fi!physics doesn’t address this because then you’d have to take into account what the advanced effects of where, like, several zillion free-flying blaster bolts fired over the course of millennia eventually hit, and that just gets a bit silly. So we fudge it and assume things are designed to dissipate. So you want to position your largest ships in such a way that their firing range overlaps. Then you fill the space between with smaller ships to intercept anyone trying to get through. You want to do this within range of the planet’s gravity well, so that anyone trying to get through the net can’t simply jump to hyperspace and escape. The whole point is to prevent people from getting in or out, so you want more ships -- faster ships -- on patrol beyond the gravity well’s influence to shoot down anyone who gets out past the blockade net.

Now, Naboo’s surface area is 461,482,000km². Turbolasers are often used in planetary bombardment, so we’ll estimate that their outside range before they start losing energy is 300km. Maybe 500km at most. You want these ships to have a good overlap, so say you park them 500km apart from each other, evenly spaced. In order to park enough Lucrehulk-class battleships over Naboo to make an effective blockade, you need 922,964 ships. That’s just the battleships, not including the smaller ships needed to complete the net.

That’s ludicrous.

In the film, they only show a few ships in one location, as if all incoming vessels will only approach from one place. This is also ludicrous, for the reasons stated earlier. Space is a 3-D environment and you have to account for this.

That being established, let’s talk about hyperlane access.

Hyperlanes are subject to gravity wells, and using gravity wells to slingshot past or around a star or anomaly will reduce some of the fuel demand. It is often completely unnecessary to drop out of hyperspace at every system a route passes. The only times it would truly matter are if the route changes direction from one established hyperlane to another or if the system one needs to reach is nowhere near an established route. Again, space is three-dimensional, and such a shift might require some travel via subspace to another point in the system before the ship can enter hyperspace in the new direction.

For safety’s sake, most systems would have predesignated coordinates for ships dropping out of hyperspace on approach; these coordinates will be rather far from the populated planets, likely above or below the orbital plane so as to avoid the orbital paths of other planets, and in such places where space debris and asteroid belts do not pose a hazard. The further out from the high-traffic areas you enter, the less chance there is of accidentally colliding with another inbound ship. Again: Space is Vast. These are merely advised coordinates, of course: a ship can drop out of hyperspace anywhere. Ships departing a planet will often enter hyperspace shortly after escaping the planet’s gravity well, and this is actually a good thing: it clears the local subspace area quickly. Systems with exceptionally high traffic will have a traffic-control system to prevent collisions.

Without the aid of an interdiction device -- creating an artificial gravity well at the place where ships are most likely to pass through on their approach or journey past -- there is no way to actually stop ships entering a system or traveling past in hyperspace. A blockade might lurk in the predesignated entry coordinates and hope they can tractor a ship in, or they might lie in wait along the subspace approach route to the inner system, but their efficacy fails if the target ships’ pilots know what they’re doing and use custom coordinates.

During the Clone Wars, nobody is using interdiction devices. They did exist, but the energy demands were prohibitive. The Republic started funding research into making them more feasible, but only the Empire benefited, and they still couldn’t devise them such that an entire system might become impassible.

The stress during the Clone Wars about not being able to move ships and supplies along the trade lanes/hyperlanes is genuinely pointless, because there is literally nothing that can stop them from using the established routes or calculating new ones.

What they should have been concerned about regarding the trade lanes, were planets that had provided staple goods to much of the galaxy either seceding or being invaded, thus harming more vulnerable worlds which relied on those goods and cutting off the entire army off from essentials needed to extend the war.

But nobody likes discussing politics in Star Wars, right?

And then the new films have come out and just��� made an absolute shitfest of the established world physics. Throwing the old EU/Legends/canon out seems to also extend to how the hyperphysics function.

The explanation given by Pablo Hidalgo for the way Starkiller Base’s weapons discharge is shown -- “What they're seeing is some weird hand-wavy hyperspace rip. Side-effect of the Starkiller." -- is utter bullshit. Light still travels the same way in Star Wars as it does in the Real World; given the locations of Takodana (J-16), the SKB (G-7), and the Hosnian system (M-12), nobody on Takodana would see anything for thousands of years. A “hyperspace rip” cannot account for realspace physics. Never mind that the SKB superlaser would have to contend with the massive cluster of black holes in the galactic center on its way to Hosnian, which would play merry hell with their targeting.

Also, you cannot convince me that Starkiller Base is not actually Ilum. (Edit: It’s since been confirmed in Jedi: Fallen Order that the SKB is Ilum. I feel vindicated.)

Crait and Cantonica are on opposite ends of the galaxy from each other. Even supposing Finn and Rose found a straight-shot route between them, it would take days to travel one-way. The least the creators could have done is hand-wavied some highly experimental ship for it, but all they proved is that they have no fucking idea how Star Wars’ physics work. There's a massive difference between fictional science technobabble and effectively saying, “we just didn't want to admit that the established setup was inconvenient, so just assume it works.”

Hand-waves only work if you have actual intent behind them.

Han and Chewbacca couldn't have simply shown up as soon as the Falcon left Jakku; not unless they were already in that part of space (I dunno, could have been the Force, because that really is how it works). But that, coupled with the pirate gangs also appearing right then, is completely improbable. If a ship can be tracked and jumped to as easily as Han’s ship was tracked by some asshole pirates, then the entire pursuit plot of The Last Jedi is completely pointless. Regardless of how Kylo feels about Han, he wouldn’t have given the First Order’s secret weapon away.

Likewise, there's no way reinforcements from Yavin could have reached Scarif in time. The main story of R1 should have taken at least a month, considering Jedha is way the fuck out in the middle of nowhere without a mapped hyperlane at all.

It's exciting science fiction, but the way the recent media have depicted hyperspace is just bad writing, which is shocking and disappointing coming from creators who have an established background in sci-fi.

The only reason hyperspace travel in the games is instantaneous is because players would get bored waiting.

*When I gauge hyperspace travel in FtRP, I make heavy use of the SWCombine nav map (which is intended for use with the SW tabletop RPG) in conjunction with the Star Wars Galaxy Map. It’s not perfect by any means, but it keeps things consistent.

Star Wars images courtesy of https://starwars.fandom.com/ Andromeda image courtesy of https://www.sciencenews.org/

[metalandmagi]

March Media Madness!

Hello and welcome to the post where I talk about all the movies, books, and TV I consumed this month in my seemingly never ending quest to shout my feelings into the void. And oh boy all the winter anime is ending so I feel dead inside.

*puts on sunglasses* Let’s do this.

Movies!

Bohemian Rhapsody: The one about Queen Freddie Mercury. And it’s pretty good. It’s a little weird seeing a biopic of a band with literally no struggles getting into the industry, and I wouldn’t say it does wonders for the negative stereotypes about bisexuals...but who cares because if you’re watching this movie, it’s because you just want to sing along to some Queen songs and see some big hair! 8/10

How to Train Your Dragon- The Hidden World: The third and final installment in the How to Train Your Dragon trilogy, in which Dreamworks pulls a Butterfree on us, but at least we get a happy ending. This franchise holds a special place in my heart for so many reasons, and I’m glad that this one stuck the landing. Each movie has its own specific feeling and message, and they all advance the story in unique ways. Apart from being beautifully animated and hilarious, it also packs the big emotional punch we all were expecting and ends on a satisfying note overall. But it’s still not perfect. The other riders are at their most useless by far, and this is coming from someone who never really minded them before. They’re a lot more irritating if you’ve watched the tv series and can see how they can be useful. And Astrid really only provides emotional support instead of her usual ass-kicking. The villain was...fine...but he didn’t really pack much of a punch. And I really wished they had kept some sort of continuity and embraced the television series (I NEED A DAGUR CAMEO)! But these are mostly small things. If you haven’t given this franchise a try yet, please give it a chance! 9/10

Ralph Breaks the Internet: The poorly named sequel to Wreck It Ralph, in which Ralph and Venelope must travel to the internet to save Sugar Rush and keep the game characters from becoming homeless. It’s a fine follow up, but it definitely doesn’t have the same impact the first one did. There’s a heck of a lot going on in this movie, and it feels like it tried to do too much in terms of plot and character arcs in favor of sacrificing the humor from the first movie. And I really miss Felix and Calhoun. But there are a lot of good things about it too. Everything the Disney princesses do is pure gold, Shank is amazing, and there is a ton of effort put into building the world of the internet. I’m sure it will be pretty dated in a couple years, but it’s not just a quick cash grab full of name dropping and references (even though Disney seems like it wants it to be). It’s still worth checking out. 7.5/10

A Quiet Place: A family must survive in a world where deadly alien monsters that are attracted to sound have invaded the planet. I am the world’s biggest wimp when it comes to scary movies, and even I was interested enough in the premise to want to see this movie. And yes it’s amazing! The performances are all incredibly moving and believable, we get good representation of a Deaf character, the sound design is so creative it should be used in film classes, and it tells a thrilling and heart wrenching family story in only an hour and a half. I think I liked it because the focus wasn’t on the monsters just going around killing people. It’s about a family and what parents will do for their children. People like to say there’s a ton of plot holes, but if you actually think about them for more than five seconds, you’ll see there’s really nothing to pick apart because their decisions all make sense in the end.

My only question is about the cochlear device the daughter (Regan) uses. Was the dad (Lee) trying to make a new cochlear implant? Did Regan already have the internal component implanted in her cochlea? Had she been using one since before the monsters came? Did it break earlier because of the monsters’ connection with electromagnetic waves? Because if not...CIs don’t really work like that. I’m just confused about that situation. But that’s kind of nitpicky when this movie is still amazing. Even if you hate horror movies, I’d highly suggest it simply because of how creative its production is. 9/10

Mary Poppins Returns: It’s exactly what it sounds like...Mary Poppins returns to help the now adult children of the Banks family with the help of Lin Manuel Miranda. It’s fun, but it definitely goes on too long. Though I appreciate Emily Blunt putting her own spin on the character. Odds are if you like the original, you’ll probably like this too. 8/10

Fantastic Beasts- The Crimes of Grindelwald: The second movie in the Harry Potter prequel-verse, where Grindelwald basically becomes wizard Hitler and Newt is more concerned with winning Tina back then saving the world. Okay...this movie is not great. Structurally it’s a mess, the fun is being sucked out of the wizarding world, the characters make decisions that don’t align with previous behavior and make no logical sense, and there really is just the bare bones of a plot. There are also several characters that don’t need to be there and are just thrown in for fanservice (for now anyway). I found myself constantly saying how things don’t work like that and asking why things are happening. But even so, there are still good things about it. Visually it’s...fantastic. Jude Law makes a good young Dumbledore, and even Johnny Depp embodies what I always imagined Grindelwald at the height of his power would be like...I just wish it wasn’t Johnny Depp. I also wish it had more humor, because what was there was funny. It’s really just a transition film, which proves this franchise should never have been five movies, and Rowling should have focused on a Marauders era series or on young Dumbledore and Grindelwald. You just have to form your own opinion. 6.5/10

Maquia- When the Promised Flower Blooms: An immortal girl becomes a teen mom to an orphaned baby after her clan is killed. It’s basically a high fantasy version of Wolf Children. I honestly don’t know what to think about this movie. It does the family relationships so well and really drives home what it means to be a parent. However, its setting really throws me out of the movie because it tries to focus so much on the politics and background of this world without really succeeding. And because it is about a baby growing up, the pacing is so fast it will give you whiplash. But it is beautifully filmed and animated, and I would have bawled my eyes out at the ending if I wasn’t so distracted by how much I didn’t like the other characters and things that were happening at the castle. So...yeah, it’s a well animated, hard hitting movie that will probably mean more to parents overall. I just wish it was a TV series or a trilogy or something other than a two hour film. 7.5/10

Free Solo: A National Geographic documentary covering Alex Honnold, a man who is attempting to climb up the 900 meter side of El Capitan at Yosemite national park...without ropes or safety equipment. Yes, this is an incredible feat and the actual climbing portions are gripping and super intense. But personally, I found who Alex is as a person much more fascinating...and not necessarily in a positive way. Honestly, he can be a jerk. This sounds horrible to say considering he’s a real person and he’s doing something amazing, but seriously watch this movie and tell me this man is not one step away from being a sociopath. It’s completely understandable why he thinks the way he thinks, but it’s not exactly healthy for the other people in his life. I would be just as interested to see a two hour therapy session with him as I was with his climbing. Anyway, if you love gorgeous scenery and butt-clenching thrills with a side of psychologically interesting perspectives, watch this on the biggest screen possible. 8/10

The Matrix: REALITY IS AN ILLUSION, THE UNIVERSE IS A HOLOGRAM, BUY GOLD BYE

Yeah I’d never seen The Matrix, but I really didn’t expect it to be EXACTLY like the Oto arc in Tsubasa Chronicles. It’s too long, Neo’s an incredibly flat protagonist (but I feel like that’s on purpose to serve some sort of self-insert fantasy), and it seems like a YA dystopian fantasy series from 2013...but in an endearing sort of way. And hey it’s got a lot of cool slow motion fighting and neat body horror if you’re into that sort of thing. 7/10

Books!

Dry by Neal and Jarrod Shusterman: What happens when California literally just runs out of water one day? A group of teens go on an apocalyptic field trip to find some of course! I’ve only read one other Neal Shusterman series before, but I’m sensing a pattern of how well Shusterman can propose a theoretical question and then build an entire world around it. And this duo knows how to cover as many bases as possible because every time I ask a question about how something world work, the authors answer it almost immediately. This is a great story with very well written characters, and it even has a small hilarious twist in the end that makes you completely rethink everything about one of the characters. Most importantly it doesn’t follow the Scythe series’ formula of terribly written romance. However...it’s definitely a major bummer. It’s very interesting to think about, and it’s a roller coaster of a story...but the roller coaster only goes down and makes you want to scream all the time. If you like books that make you question human behavior and society, definitely check it out, but get ready to start hoarding all the water you own. 8/10

Jackass!: Okay this one’s a manga, but I’m still counting it. Honestly I don’t even know how to describe the plot...there’s two boys...there’s pantyhose...there’s a fun side character who is openly gay and doesn’t take shit from anyone...there’s introspection about how to deal with developing feelings and realizing you care about someone. It has the most awkward premise ever, but it’s unfairly good I promise. The less you know going in the better. 8.5/10

TV Shows!

The Umbrella Academy: A family of seven children with super powers who were “adopted” by an eccentric billionaire become child superheroes. So naturally, they all grow into jaded adults who are now tasked with saving the world from the inevitable apocalypse. And it’s...amazing. Like, this should be the new Stranger Things amazing. It’s a Netflix original based off the Dark Horse comic series, and it has one of the most binge worthy plots I’ve ever seen. It is capable of pulling off some very weird things because it just leans into it. The setting and aesthetic is very similar to A Series of Unfortunate Events where different time periods seem to collide, and it works pretty well. It has (mostly) likable characters, interesting and/or empathetic villains, great use of music and editing, and Emmy worthy performances. The only thing I don’t like (aside from them killing off a perfectly interesting character for no reason at the beginning of the show) is the romantic relationship between two of the siblings. Because naturally they had to put a romance in it, and it just sort of conforms to the idea of “adopted siblings aren’t related so it’s not weird.” But even they have some great scenes together so I can’t be too annoyed. It’s amazing. Please watch it. 10/10

Ducktales (2017): The reboot of Ducktales, in which the three nephews of Donald Duck go on mysterious adventures with their obscenely wealthy uncle. I’m pretty sure we all know this as the cartoon where Scrooge McDuck swims in his giant pool of money. It took me a long time to get to, but I like it! Webby is an amazing character, and even though the boys can be annoying, at least they all have their own personalities. I just wish Launchpad was a little less...stereotypically clueless. I’ve never seen the original series, so I can’t compare them, but I’d recommend it for everyone who likes Gravity Falls style mysteries and satisfying story arcs. 8.5/10

Carmen Sandiego (2019): The Netflix original animated series that focuses on a master thief who travels the world stealing important artifacts before an evil organization can get to them first...AND HOLY CRAP WHY IS NO ONE TALKING ABOUT THIS!? I don’t know anything about the original Carmen Sandiego franchise, but dang this revamp is awesome. Carmen is a great character who banters enough to be a Marvel protagonist, there’s unique animation, some mystery, and its own twists. The side characters may not be for everyone, but I like them...well, most of them. Apparently the purpose of the original franchise was to be educational, so they do sound like they’re reading the Wikipedia page for every new place they visit in the beginning of each episode, but at least the cultural things they mention always come back into play later. If you liked the new She-Ra or shows with great heroines, PLEASE WATCH IT! 9/10

Queer Eye (season 3): The third season of the ridiculous makeover show where five fabulous gay men rocket into people’s lives to boost their self confidence and keep them from living in filth. I hate that I love this show so much. I don’t like things that try to be overly emotional, but dang it, this show will just make you feel happy...and then sad...and then happy again. 10/10

Honorable Mentions

THE LAST SEASON OF STAR VS THE FORCES OF EVIL IS AIRING! Stop sleeping on this gem people!

Netflix finally released the rest of Arrested Development season 5

I started watching Yu Yu Hakusho because it’s a classic and the dub is hilarious.

I also started watching The Librarians. It’s...something that’s for sure.

And I’m currently reading Reign the Earth which is basically Avatar the Last Airbender set all in the desert.

[something-very-special]

Ask-travaganza! (Episode 2: Revenge of the Spoilers)

All right. Got another clutch of other spoiler-y Asks sitting in my inbox making me feel bad for not responding more promptly. Let’s go!

<BIG OL’ SPOILERS AHOY>

Anonymous asked: Same anon who asked about the novellas, thank you so much for the link! And also for your meta; I've appreciated it since I first found your blog when reading up on the original NieR some years back. Thank you for this blog, it's a wonderful resource and I rec it to friends who get into the games (with spoiler warnings, of course!). ��           

This ask contains no spoilers but it got a little buried and I only just saw it and now I feel bad for not seeing it sooner! Thank you very much for your kind words, and sending folks in! I hope they enjoyed it, too. It really means a lot to hear that.

<but for real now BIG OL’ SPOILERS>

Anonymous asked: Another thing I'd like to expand on regarding Pascal and the general memory/amnesia theme in the game, how this leitmotiv is repeated with most NPC, I'm thinking about the Wandering Couple quest which ends up in another memory wipe (reminiscent of the 9S & 2B relationship in a way), Pascal is present during the scene and even agrees with the whole starting from scratch thing. "Those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it" is pretty much what I got from those dialogues and events             

This isn’t so much an Ask I feel a need to respond to as a very good point I’ve definitely wanted to repost since I saw it. Thank you for input and the observation, Anon! (And I admit I’d somewhat forgotten about Pascal’s involvement in the Wandering Couple, what with the time between occurrences and the deep emotional trauma; that’s a very interesting parallel.)

Anonymous asked: I'm quite confused about the arc, could you please explain what that was all about? Who decided to build it, how and why? And why do the machine lifeforms want to go to another planet (assuming they can even get there)? Sorry I thought the whole thing was very poetic but I must have missed something because I just don't get the logic behind it?             

The Ark is actually aimed at the lunar server, not another planet, which is pretty integral to its function.

The idea behind the Ark is directly related to the reason for the machine’s evolution; they’re attempting to achieve self-actualization and break free of their programming cycle. The machines and the androids are stuck in an infinite cycle that can basically only be broken by humanity-- interestingly, for the androids, revealing the nature of the lunar server would have shattered their entire society, while the machines were interested in reaching the server so they could effectively become human.

The Ark was meant to fire them to the server so they could integrate that nature of humanity into themselves, transcending their doomed programming and allowing them to become something more. This is especially interesting in light of N2 proclaiming itself to have ‘surpassed’ its programming yet still demand the assimilation of humanity; even in its vast awareness it was still bound by its fundamental nature, and allowing the Ark to connect to the lunar server and instill the chaos and uncertainty of humanity into the robots would have been enough to finally, truly unbind it, and alongside it all of the robots.

Not really a bad plan, and it presents that parallel between the robots and the androids, as the primary difference between them (besides their models, of course) is that, while they’re both made from the same fundamental core, the androids are infused with human memory and personality. Whether that’s enough for them to break the infinite failure cycle the machine cores are doomed to repeat is left for the audience to decide.

saltsoldier asked: I understand if you don't answer this because of spoilers, but did you notice that the character marker for the son from the recluse sidequest was still in his house when it was on fire?? It's during that bit when you're A2, clearing out the village. I think you have to have done the sidequest as 9S to see it, but he's locked himself into a burning building. It's a very subtle, very dark inclusion to that section of the game.

That guy’s a fucking trooper!

I mean, no matter what, it’s still pretty dark -- the whole village is still dead no matter what -- but what I personally noticed even beyond that is that when you return to the Village (at any point as 9S -- which is super creepy if you do it before A2′s segment because he’s chronologically moving after she is so you go there and find it silent and filled with robot corpses what happened oh god -- or as A2 after everything’s said and done) he’s still there. Other than Pascal (assuming you wiped his memory and he’s still alive), he’s the only NPC marker remaining in the village. That little guy survived having his house set on fire while a giant thorn-snake repeatedly rips through the building.

It’s not exactly sunshine and roses, given that he lived through a catastrophe that killed everybody else in the village, and if Pascal survives he’ll have forgotten the recluse anyway, but...

Remember that one boy who lost his sole family member after a simple misunderstanding, who cut his own arm and decided to wage a mindless war on the machines? No, not 9S but Gideon from the Junk Heap. Don't you find it funny how Yoko Taro made a whole game out of this tragedy and a CD drama about Emil fighting aliens in space? (I'm so glad Yuri Lowenthal didn't voice 9S, I got a bit of scare when the Automata english trailers showed up thinking he was playing one of the main leads)             

Hey hey now! 9S had his blown off, it wasn’t part of a deranged self-mutilation ritual. Totally different. (But oh, yeah, I remember.) In regards to that, it occurs to me -- and I know I’m just saying nonsense here -- that it’s even theoretically possible 9S’s memory infusion came from Gideon. A2 is hinted at to actually be patterned off Kaine, so it’s not entirely out of the realm of possibility. Very bright and technologically gifted young men being driven into complete psychological collapse when the locus of their self-worth and individual meaning is abruptly and violently lost... I mean, they both go through some serious traumatizing shit so it’s definitely understandable for both of them to collapse in the same way, buuuuut it’s a kind of neat parallel. But it’s only a theory. A game theory. (Is that... is the statute on that joke expired yet? I don’t know.) In regards to the other point, I am beyond tickled that Yoko Taro keeps doing this: “Hey, you know what would be funny? If we made the joke ending from Drakengard canon and it turned out it completely destroyed our universe when it happened.” “Hey, you know what would be funny? If that joke I made about ‘and then Emil fought aliens’ started a millennia long war between Earth and invaders from beyond the stars.” (”Hey, you know what would be funny? If that little goofy bonus track of Emil humming his theme to himself went to its illogical conclusion and he spends his days zipping around a shattered cityscape belting out made-up words to his own theme song/shop jingle.”) I can’t wait for it to turn out Ending K was the real finale to the game and the prequel to Automata is all about how mackerel became so toxic. I’m sure it’s irrationally tragic.

[bluedraggy]

Kazerad Drunk-Stream 2/19/17

What follows is a huge wall of random thoughts related to last night/this morning’s Drunk Stream.  Consider too that this was composed on 2 hours of sleep and that my brain is probably not fully functional or I’d not have posted this at all.  Do not read if no interest.  Well, you won’t anyway.  Sorry, I have very few images to post to keep it from being Massive Wall of Text, but I’ll do what I can anyway!

Thoughts on Kazerad Drunk-Stream of 2/19/2017-2/20/2017

I've slept for a grand 2 hours since the drunk-stream and I wanted to write this about all the wildly varying topics brought up during it. Some I'll go into depth in, most I'll just gloss. I think really I don't care much about Prequel webcomic anymore, but as a topic of recurring connection with the fanbase.  A good thing too because the Update seems, to this observer, to be as distant as it ever was.  I don't anticipate it for months yet honestly.

(BD Pontificating in his Evil Quill Weave incarnation)

If you want to play along and missed the stream, here's an imgur gallery of various screenshots. However, most of this won't really refer to those directly. Some will though.

http://imgur.com/a/AYS4P

Only continue if you actually care somewhat. It’s really fine if not. I’m just rambling mostly. And some questionable images (but not the kind you really want to see.) You have been warned.

1. I came in a little late and Kaz was doing a crayon drawing of, I assume, Kvatch since it's on a hill like that. I made the keen insightful connection with the Bush-ism "A shining city on a hill".  I've been promoting that connection ever since with the burning of Kvatch. I think I'm the only one who likes the analogy. But if I push it long enough, someone will have to feed my ego.

2. TheRandomGuy became my favorite Prequel fan of all time for this fake Canadian passport. Absolutely the best.

3. Let's talk about horsecock a bit. Now look, I'm hetero and blatantly so. I've come to terms with this fact. I'm not proud of it, I just know what I am and accept it. I'm a Standard-issue Male Pig. Even so, I appreciate the THEORY that a penis can inspire lustful thoughts in others. I may not get it, but I don't have to. Frankly, it's a damn good thing that others aren't as completely grossed-out by them as I am or the species would have a really tough time. So not only do I understand this in a theoretical sense, I have concrete proof that it's true. And if there's anything I've learned from the Internet, there are fetishes I never dreamed existed nor could have conceived of. Horsecock is surely not the worst of them.  Pretty tame really, given it's size and purported voluminous ejaculate. But really, my life would have been just fine had I never found out what the term "medial ring" meant. Now I can't look at a horse cock without the term popping up in my head.

While it’s true you learn something new every day, it’s NOT true that this is inevitably a good thing.

4. Fortunately the next commission satisfied my own personal fetish. Nice generic nude Katia. Which makes me want to rant a bit on the Rick2tails controversy. As a refresher, Rick2tails uploaded an image with Katia breastfeeding an infant and his OC playing with his and her other offspring. My immediate reaction? Cool. Full nipplage. Yeah. Piggy, I know. It's built in - can't help it. But some were offended, apparently at the image's implied "ownership" of Katia. Now really, there's a LOT worse of that going on than Rick2tails' waifuism! But think for a minute on what being upset by that implies. You're upset that another person has a fantasy that his OC and a fictional character might have a happy life together. Why would that upset anyone? The only conclusion I have is that it disturbs the >complainer's< internal fantasy of "owning" Katia. Or possibly that the concept itself is abhorrent to the complainer. I don't know Rick2tails, but I do know without a doubt that this is just something he likes to do with his OC. Couple him with other characters. LOTS of other characters. Nothing very unusual there. Rock on, Rick2tails - and if it brings me more Katia nipples, I'm absolutely okay with that!

5. Last on the imgur are various incarnations of Prequel related sketches and images adorning real life places. NICE. I particularly like Spartan's framed sketches of Punk-Katia.  And of course the imaginative use of a sticker on a shotgun! When these first came out (stickers) I'd an idea of running a contest on most unusual place to put them. After some implied but never clearly stated ideas of having them as pasties on boobs, I think this would have been the true winner if that contest ever actually happened.

6. Dragon Dating Sim. Yeah. That. It ended up being exactly what I feared. It was a bad fanfic turned into a Steam game. (If you can really use the word "game" for that.) To be fair, I bailed before it was finished. AND to be fair I actually followed the story line. Though I think the main reason was to hear Kaz' interpretation of bad character voicing - the PC being the worst of all. My best description would be a cross between Gollum and a bad Peter Lorre. But try as we might, we couldn't ever get to first base with any of the dragons. (Though we did kiss the forearm of one)  I think we drank coffee with one, which apparently satisfies the minimum requirement to be called a "dragon dating sim".

First thing that struck me were the totally fantasy-breaking Standard-Issue Japanese Anime Sim backgrounds. For a alternate-world populated by "intelligent speaking dragons" (of which I think that term was used about 20 times, to remind us that these were "intelligent speaking dragons").  Wow - a portal to a world of ISDs, and they still build buildings that look exactly like a Japanese High School.  And normal chairs.  Where, pray tell, doth the ISD put his tail? I, as a person who uses the word 'dragon' in my own nickname since time immemorial, do hereby utter an apology for those who hold the concept of dragons in high esteem. I am embarrassed.

Is there really NO bar you must reach to have a game issued on Steam? So I can put my bad fanfiction up with some Skyrim screenshots then, with 'decision' trees like:

He asks you if you want to go back home. Your answer: Yes. I'm tired. I want to go back home. No. I want to stay with you.

Such compelling and engaging content. Can we add a third? "Kiss his snout and whisper sweet nothings in his tympanic membrane."  Now look, even I would choose that one over the pointless offerings we are given. One sentence randomly threw in the word "comestibles" instead of "food". Do NOT do that. People don't say "comestibles". Not even in dragon worlds. Not ever. Sure, it's a word. Congrats on your vocabulary. Now work on learning when to use and when NOT to use them. I feel stupid criticizing writing and more than a little hypocritical. But at least I don't try to SELL my crap!  Kaz mentioned one thing he hates, when someone uses a term like "female" as a noun. As in:

The female came in and took the bedpan away.

His rant was based around the fact that the word should be an adjective. As in "The female dragon came in and took the bedpan away."  I'd like to point out that I don't quite agree - it can be a noun. But it's the same problem as in "comestibles". Just because it can be a noun, doesn't mean it SHOULD be used as a noun. The only conceivable scenario I think it would be appropriate would be in a scientific study of some animal.

"The female is now unable to nurse her cub." "The male displays his plumage to warn off potential rivals."

To use it in any other circumstances renders it frankly a bit offensive. Like, the only defining characteristic of this particular person is that he is male. Otherwise he is a generic entity. He's got a swinging Willie. That's all you need to know about This Entity. At least use the word like Kaz points out - as an adjective for a more descriptive noun.

"The female dragon came in and took the bedpan away."

Marginal but at least it's not saying "the thing that has ovaries came in and took the bedpan away."

Actual content paraphrased: "What does the blood around his mouth indicate to you?"

Answer not provided: "Blood? Oh! I thought that was lipstick. I was going to say it indicates he likes to dress like a woman female late at night and pick up Johns."

7. Yes. Dropping that topic. Kaz said one thing that really struck me as interesting and worthy of more thought. It concerned masturbation. Drunk streams are great in that they reduce inhibitions, so discussion of masturbation as more than a "huh huh jack off huh huh" topic can at least be broached. At most he said like 4 sentences on the subject, but the gist was "Humanity's biggest asset over the other species is that they can masturbate."  Granted I found a list of 9 other animals that CAN masturbate, but those are the exceptions. I'd like to elaborate on this a little more, while keeping myself as clinical as possible on the subject. I understand Kaz has a degree in Psychology and Economics.  More than likely, at some point in his Psychology classes he came across this little jewel. I doubt it was his own idea directly, but it's a hella interesting one for serious inquiry. I know we're not the only species that can masturbate, but I suspect he's onto something anyway. Maybe it wasn't the increase in the size of our brainpan that led to us becoming the dominant species on the planet. Maybe it was also the length of our reach! So if you really want to breed for intelligent cats, work on getting them to be able to pleasure themselves.  I noticed Lizards are already on that list, so Quill is already in the works.

[kmbezner]

A New Favorite Series

The Wayward Children series by Seanan McGuire

This series is everything I wanted (and more) from Miss Peregrine’s…of which I was not a fan. The first book, Every Heart a Doorway—and how can you not love a book with that title—wasn’t my favorite, but was special because of what it was: a love letter to days spent wandering through attics and cellars, woods and riverbeds, and all the other mysterious places I spent my childhood in search of that One Magic Thing.

I never knew what I was looking for when I dug through my grandmother’s sewing room or lingered in the wooded patch behind my elementary school, but whatever it was, these kids, these wayward children, found it. Or rather, it found them, and led them to a place that suited them…sometimes a bit too well. When these underworlds, fairylands, and other fantastical realms spit them out they were left traumatized, heartbroken to find themselves back in a world that didn’t want them.

This is where Miss Eleanor and her School for Wayward Children comes in to soothe their ache and, if possible, help them find their ways back home. In Every Heart a Doorway we are introduced to Eleanor and her cast of Alices, Dorothys, and Wendys returned: Sumi, whose destiny is to return to Confection and overthrow the Queen of Cakes; Cade, who was expelled from Prism when the fairies discovered they had taken a little boy instead of a little girl; Christopher, who fell in love with a skeleton girl in Mariposa; Jacqueline and Jillian, twins who found love in a dark and dreary world called The Moors; and Nancy, Eleanor’s newest student and recently returned from an underworld ruled by the Lord of the Dead.

It sounds like a lot, but trust me when I say that McGuire introduces this varied and sometimes ridiculous cast organically, in such a way that it makes perfect sense when Cade and Eleanor start explaining high logic worlds vs. high nonsense worlds discussing the difference between underworlds, netherworlds, and afterlifes. It’s a book written for readers of fables fairytales and fantasies, so many of the concepts will feel familiar even if it’s almost impossible to describe to a stranger.

The main plot of Every Heart a Doorway revolves around a series of tragedies that begin soon after Nancy arrives at Eleanor’s school, and while this main plot is a fairly straightforward mystery, it is propelled by the sense of magic that pervades McGuire’s fantastic storytelling.

Down Among the Sticks and Bones, my favorite book in the series so far, is a prequel to Every Heart a Doorway and tells the story of Jacqueline and Jillian’s time in The Moors. It’s spooky and dark and plays out much like a horror movie, but it’s impossible to shake the magical optimism of McGuire’s tone. This might hinder the book’s ability to be a true horror story, but instead turns it into something new. Though this place is terrifying and cruel creatures hide in every shadow, the twins know the Moors to be home.

These books are short, about 4 hours on audio, and while I didn’t have an issue with the pacing in the first book, Down Among the Sticks and Bones is a simpler story that is much more suited to this length. We get a good deal of story before the twins find the Moors, and still have time for them to find love, find themselves, only to loose it all in the cruelest way possible. Their time in their true home becomes like a mean prank by the end, and my only issue with this book (or rather, where their story concludes in Every Heart a Doorway) is that we have yet to get a true resolution to their story.

The third book, Beneath a Sugar Sky, was much less satisfying.

Had I read this one first I probably would not have been as disappointed with it, but it just didn’t live up to the rest of the series. (Note: Even though this series is very loosely connected and could be read out of order, I also would have been severely spoiled, so if that’s something you care about don’t take this as a suggestion to start here instead.)

My biggest problem was the pacing. The beauty of the first two books is that they are contained in a single space, and their scope mirrors the fairy tales that inspired them. The characters in Beneath a Sugar Sky travel through several doors to several worlds, as different from each other as night from day from cake from onions. It’s all over the place, but the length of this book is the same as its predecessors: about 4 hours listening time, which is not nearly long enough to do this story justice. Because of this certain plot devices feel awfully convenient, and characters who were not already introduced in previous books were left underdeveloped.

This leads me to my second problem: Cora. The POV character of this story, she is relatively new to The School for Wayward Children after returning from a water world where she was a mermaid. This was an odd choice for the series, since by now we’re all familiar with the way these worlds work, and by introducing a new character for the POV we end up wasting a lot of time listening to the other characters explain things to her that we already know.

She is also characterized entirely by the fact that she is fat. The trend so far in the series is to characterize people by the world they came from, since the doors seem to appear to those who need them and send them to the places they need to be. So it is that calm, still Nancy ends up in an underworld, inquisitive and observant Jacqueline is apprenticed to a mad scientist in the Moors, and nonstop Sumi rules a world of sugar and nonsense. But by the end of the story Cora’s defining trait is still her weight. This wouldn’t be as bad without the added sting that we are constantly reminded that in addition to being fat Cora is also an athlete and has been her entire life, a fact that McGuire casually tosses around as if to apologize for including an overweight character. “She’s a fat girl, but she’s the right kind of fat girl,” she seems to say at every turn, reminding us, intentionally or not, that fat girls who aren’t constantly trying to not be fat are unacceptable.

The fact that this lingered throughout the book was the tipping point for me, and while I still loved McGuire’s writing and I adore the world she has created, it was one problem too many and too large for me to really enjoy the latter half of the book when I realized that this was as far as Cora was going to be developed. It’s thus far my least favorite book in the series, and one that I might even recommend skipping if any of this has left a particularly bitter taste in your mouth.

All of that aside, I am still very much looking forward to In an Absent Dream, the completely standalone fourth novella in the series out next February. I hope it hews closer to Down Among the Sticks and Bones, as there are few things more heartbreaking to an obsessive book nerd than being let down by a beloved author.

Perks of being a bookseller: ARCs! I snagged an early copy of In an Absent Dream and put all my other books on hold to tear through it. I’m happy to report that it does read more like Down Among the Sticks and Bones, though I don’t know that it’s completely standalone, as much as any book in a shared universe can be. It follows Katherine Lundy, Eleanor’s right hand woman from Every Heart a Doorway, through her own door to the adventure to the Goblin Market and eventually to Eleanor.

Despite the fact that Lundy moves between worlds several times during the novella, it isn’t as disjointed as Beneath a Sugar Sky. The narrative is still not as smooth as I would like, but the occasional temporal whiplash we suffer as readers mimics the disconnect Lundy feels moving between worlds. Like any of the books in this series, they could easily be novels, and we know McGuire is prolific enough to pull it off, which leaves me wondering if their short length is a nod to the narrative structure of classic fairy tales. But it still leaves me wanting a little more meat: more development of Lundy’s relationships with the Archivist, Moon, and Mockery; more details on her various adventures in the Goblin Market; and more about how the concept of fair value trade functions in practice.

But this book isn’t about any of those things–it’s about Lundy, which is fine, I guess. I still loved reading it, even though the experience was different since I listened to the others on audio. These stories lend themselves really well to audio, but I did appreciate getting to really immerse myself in McGuire’s language (which is one of the main things that keeps me coming back to these books–they are so well written) and reread passages I especially loved.

One thing I really wanted was to know more about Mockery. They die in the battle with the Wasp Queen, which we don’t even get to see and only hear about after the fact. Lundy returns to her birth world after that, victorious but traumatized and determined never to go back, but McGuire never really digs into that trauma in a meaningful way. Only so much to be done in such a short book I suppose, but Lundy’s adventures with her friends are glazed over throughout the book to focus instead on Lundy’s growing conflict about where she will spend her time. She needs to either 1) take the citizenship oath and agree to stay in the Goblin Market forever, or 2) be kicked out on her eighteenth birthday. She has family in both places and it’s tearing her apart, especially once she discovers that her father was also called to the Goblin Market. But her indecision grates on you by the end, when she inevitably tries to cheat the rules by taking a serum that will prevent her from turning 18, theoretically allowing her to travel back and forth indefinitely.

But everyone else, including the readers, knows where Lundy’s inability to choose is leading, and the knowing makes it that much more frustrating. This isn’t a bad thing, especially knowing what happens in Every Heart a Doorway, but maybe we would be less frustrated and more understanding if we had a little more insight into her relationships with both worlds.

So because my brain likes lists, the current ranking of this series is: 1) Down Among the Sticks and Bones 2) In an Absent Dream 3) Every Heart a Doorway 4) Beneath a Sugar Sky