#I may have repeated myself a couple of times in the initial post but idk! I'm speaking from the heart ig | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

13tinysocks · 11 months ago

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hey dude! What's up :)) been just a little since l've said something

Initially, this is me saying thank you and goodbye

This isn't supposed to be a weird pity story, so l'm so unbelievably sorry if it comes off that way, lol.

When I began reading your work, I was enamoured with fiction because of personal issues (as many usually are, honestly, I know I'm one of god knows how many people trying to run away from life for just a second with fanfics or media in general). I don't know if I will ever be able to communicate this properly, hell, this will even be unbelievable funny or dramatic but I need to get this across because it's coming from a genuine place. Your stories and work thus far has brought me comfort, immense heaps of it, and even still when I deal with things that feel out of reach or too much to actually face head on I find myself wandering back to syg or just your blog in general

I mean this, from my entire heart, thank you and thank Bee. A million times thank you, for making that one silly silly stupid piece of fanfiction, because oh my god it got me through some major stressful hardships within my life for the past 3 years.

I am leaving tumblr, however I’m aware I have submitted asks with my actual accounts before, so you'll likely be able to see they're still gonna be up. I'm just deleting tumblr the app instead of my account, but for other social platforms they will be deleted properly (such as quotev) so I won’t be indulging in much reading anymore when it comes to fanfics and such lol

I don't know if I'll come back, if I do I likely will not be back for long or to be as active as l've been because of the toll social media’s taken. So even as ridiculous as this feels, to tell someone I’m simply a fan of and barely truly know, that their fanfic of murderers and their love story with my self insert kept me pushing through a lot of tough days, I genuinely just had to.

I needed to thank both you and your partner for the work you've both put out. I still have that smiley pin I’d made, and I will cherish what you made quotev have been for me ( I literally found out about the website during early or late 2020 I can barely remember, then later found your fic, I was DEEP DIVING into that shit LMAO )

I hope whatever happens for you and bee in the future is only good, and I only will wish nothing but the best of luck with everything man.

feel free to post this (idk what it’s called but when you publicly reply lol) or not, as long as you read this it’ll mean lots to me !! >:))

your coolest weirdest ticci toby fan whose also named toby, 🐚 annon

I always struggle to convey gratefulness for messages like this and readership- especially repeated readership. My life would be different if it were not for comments and messages egging us on to keep writing from syg to ho1c. While it's easy to say that writing is solely out of passion for the craft there is also the drive to share something with others. Hearing those others loud or quiet as a favorite- does push us forward when we have no motivation or desire to work. That drive has made us closer as a couple, better thinkers, and a halfway decent writing team. I thank you and all the others who send us stuff even if it's shit post asks I never answer because I like having them in my inbox like a personal horde of platonic Valentine's. I like keeping the pieces you give me to myself sometimes. I know it may seem like I'm ignoring you but I find genuine comfort in these messages. That there are so many. That they are so varied. That we have reached beyond our shut-in existence to touch the lives of others.

I find myself wondering where an anon has gone when I do not hear from them in awhile. I wish them well. I wish them better standards than us.

Maybe we'll meet again someday space cowboy. If you're ever back in town feel free to shoot me (a message).

Thank you for reaching out. Thank you for reading. I wish you peace and love and good books.

#though i may be inactive as of lates my thoughts have not been #abby and i talk about you #abby and i talk about a lot of you #we are happy to be present day comforts or 2020 nostalgia #🐚#anon #reply #long post

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kiddosaurus · 2 years ago

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(hi im so sorry i wanted to just agree with a point you made and then wrote a full rant feel free to ignore me/delete this ask)

I definitely agree about the average age feeling like it's dropping (I also think that's just the Internet as a whole, coming from someone who literally got their first tumblr account at 11. also think it's because kids don't lie about their ages as much anymore, like I was lying until I was at least 15 and still vague about it until I turned 18) and part of me gets a little concerned by it? like yeah, I definitely showed interest in things like agere once I hit puberty age but most of my actual age regressing/dreaming I've only done since I was 16 when I had gotten past the initial wave of that

maybe it's the old age (I'm literally 18 lol) but I do worry when I see super young people in this community about the effects that regressing may have on them and their future development? or at least when I see 13-14 year olds post saying they're looking for cgs like I get so scared some weirdo is going to see it and use it as an opportunity to gain some power over them or gain their trust because the kid is too young to be able to realise what's happening

i hope it's alright for me to respond to this, just lmk if you want me to delete this reply

i feel a lot of what you're saying tbh. i still try to be understanding towards the super young folks, as i myself was super young when i first discovered the agere community, but idk. i was 12 at the time, but my situation was fairly odd compared to most folks (at that point i was already well into puberty, and there were times where i was involuntarily regressing from stress and trauma long before i knew what agere was, and finding the community helped me put a name to my experiences), so even then it's still hard to understand a lot of the youngest people in the community now, as the reasons for them getting into it are VASTLY different than any of my own. im only a couple months short of 18, and it never fails to shock me how old this stuff makes me feel :')

i DEFINITELY agree on the whole thing about worrying over possible issues with development and safety, though. i do feel like there's a (for lack of a better way to describe it) "honeymoon phase" for a lot of young teens discovering something like this that makes them happy and helps them cope, where they put a huge focus on it in a ton of aspects of their life, and that's something they just gotta get outta their system before they start to even things out. however, i definitely worry about development for kids who don't seem to learn how to balance agere with the rest of their life; any coping mechanism (including the healthy ones) can become unhealthy if it takes over your life in ways that cause repeated stress or harm, which seems to be the case for a lot of young folks discovering agere.

the whole cg safety thing is valid too. seeing so many 13-14 year olds giving out tons of personal info to strangers in hopes that they'll find a cg that they've never even talked to always makes me anxious. i don't think there's anything wrong with them wanting someone like that in their lives, and i think there are ways to kind of explore that while still staying safe, but the way people actually go about it is worrying. like... when i was young and discovering agere, at least there were plenty of adults in the community who made an effort to teach younger folks how to stay safe with stuff like this, but that doesn't seem to be as much of a thing anymore since the demographic has shifted to be so young as a whole and there are way more teens than adults. 2017-2018 was a very different time compared to 2023.

im sorry that this reply got so long, this whole thing has just been on my mind and it's nice hearing someone who at least understands part of what im saying

#asks

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bakugohoex · 4 years ago

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CONGRATS ON 1K !!! can i request iwaizumi with #8 ? pls i love reading angsty iwa—

“don’t leave me, you promised you wouldn’t leave me”

pairing: hajime iwaizumi x gender neutral reader

cw: implied sex, angst, crying

word count: 1100+

a/n: aww thank you so much bby, bro idk how i even wrote angst, i used to hate it but i love making myself sad, hope you guys like the 3rd oneshot for my 1k event, i’m going to go watch kuroko no basket and cry

summary: in which iwaizumi begins to fall out of love with you, until all he feels is a stranger around you

1k event masterlist

↞ back to haikyu!! masterlist

Iwaizumi didn’t know the moment he fell out of love with you, maybe it had grown over the past months, every night beside you he felt nothing. No love or passion for the relationship, everything he had wanted in a relationship had passed within a year of you both dating. You both had become strangers even when you tried hard to initiate sex or even cook him dinner, how could he look into your eyes and see love when all he could see was nothing.

He couldn’t remember the last time he had wanted to come home to meet you, he knew it must have been the night when he had seen you making dinner months ago. It was supposed to be a happy occasion, you looked perfect to him but in a matter of minutes the perfection that you held swirled into nothing. He felt empty sitting in front of you, your comments on his day, was this what your relationship had come to. Eating dinner, silently talking about your day and then watching a movie, he hated it. He initially had not thought anything of it, knowing how relationships got to this stage and it’d pass over. But it never did.

Every day for the past couple of months, he had come home with a tired look and an emptiness inside of him. The normal kiss on your cheek felt mechanical as if he was made to do it, he didn't want to. It brought him no happiness nor satisfaction, Iwaizumi kept at it though, he tried he did, he tried initiating sex, tried to feel love every time he thrusted into you. But he felt nothing, he would see you get your high and lie beside him as if you were just a one-night stand.

He stopped cuddling you, stopped putting his arms around your waist, stopped hugging and kissing. He was making you both say firmly distant, he had fallen out of love with you just as easily as he had fallen in love with you.

He sat upright on the bed, scrolling through his phone, you laid beside him on your side. You knew he had grown distant, how sex felt like nothing with him, how he’d only refer to you by your name. No more kisses or hugs goodbye, nothing, he looked at you blankly with no will, you refused to meet his gaze, staying in silence as he continued to flick through his phone.

He had only been doing it to avoid a conversation with you, it was a common occurrence for him to stay late with the boys, which in reality was him sitting in his car for an hour to avoid dinner with you. How could he tell you though, how could he confess whenever he kissed you, he felt no love or comfort. “Hajime.” You whispered softly.

“Yeah.” He muttered not meeting your gaze, he stayed content on his phone not bothering to turn to cuddle you to see if you were okay.

You missed his arms, you had thought everything was going fine but his growing distance made you worry, maybe it was just the stress of the job. Maybe he was just overwhelmed, “is everything okay?”

Turning to face the boy, he looked down at you before looking back at his phone. “Everything's fine.” He put his phone down closing the light as he turned away from you, your heart shattered at his action, he was hiding something, and he had stopped caring about you in a matter of seconds.

You faced the other end, you might've been together but, in this moment, you both felt ever so alone. The lack of contact continued until the fateful night had occurred, Iwaizumi knew he couldn't spend hours in his car to spend less time with you, even on weekends he’d spend hours in the gym.

He came home late at night, hearing the television play of some random movie. He saw your figure on the couch, he already knew his past self would’ve gone to join you, hug you and cuddle inside your hoodie. Leaving soft kisses against your chest but all the truly felt was nothing. “Y/n.”

He could hear your sniffling as he came closer turning the light on to finally see your face. Tears streamed down your face and a silence between you two, “Y/n.” He repeated.

“Hajime.” You whimpered out.

“I...I don’t love you anymore.” He blurted it out so easily, even with the months it had taken him to confess his love to you, his rejection of you felt like a stab to the heart of how easy it had been for him. Tears streamed down your face, you had had the gut feeling this would occur, the feeling that the end of your relationship with the man you loved would come.

You stood to meet his gaze, “I...What did i do?”

Even with your crying teary eyed face, he felt nothing, he felt like a stranger without the capabilities of comforting you. “Nothing, I fell out of love with you.” He spoke coldly.

Anger seethed through you, he looked at you as if he had never met you before, as if you hadn’t spent the past year in love. You remembered his words a couple months into dating, his promise to never leave you, his promise to stay with you forever. You had both watched the stars making random names for the stars and a promise had evolved from the date. But here now, with this stranger, it felt like all the memories you ever had with him were gone.

“Don’t leave me, you promised you wouldn’t leave me.” You begged through the tears, hoping he’d feel some guilt, but he gave you a low look.

“I lied.” He took a sharp breath continuing, “you can have the apartment.” It was the last sound you heard, watching him go into the bedroom that you had shared with him, slept with him in, made love with him in. The empty memories you felt watching him with a bag, taking one deep breath before dropping the keys to the side and leaving out the door in a matter of moments.

Iwaizumi didn’t know when he fell out of love with you, but the emptiness he had had in a relationship with you had only become stronger at every step he took towards his car. He may have not loved you, but he had broken a promise that he thought he’d live by till his death. Iwaizumi never thought he’d find himself free with you crying in the apartment, but here he was in his car, tears dripping down his own face at the loss of a stranger.

i’d really appreciate if you guys could leave a like, reblog or comment, thanks x

if you guys want to be a part of a tag list, just reply to any post and i’ll add you xx

@samusimp @alainarose13 @crispychannie @underratedmage @jennammaee @cathy8taffy @sugacious @moonlightaangel @kat-sukis-hoe @effmigentlywithachainsaw @swankiifiied @maat-the-prescriptive @missmultifangirl @tvwhoresblog @kuroos-world @chrrylevi @katsuhera @answer-the-sirens @animexholic @wapbenders @the-shota-king-masayuki @bakugousmrs @crystal-lilac @dai-tsukki-desu @fandomsinthegalaxies @crimsonbows-and-arrows @admin-in-residence @otterlockholmes @gabrann

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buckygirl-fanfiction · 8 years ago

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Sparks Chapter 21

Pairing: Bucky(POV) X Reader(POV) ft. other characters from the avengers team

Word Count: 2.5K

Summary: Post sad shit happening. Finally confiding in Bucky about your deepest darkest emotional feelings bout life and shit. idk… life is tiring guys.

A/N: This is a story about two people building a great friendship and then slowly falling in love. y/n is a strong, independent, and smart scientist. She meets Bucky when she wakes him up from cryo sleep and they become friends. This is going to have all the angst / best friends falling in love / fluff / drama / & eventual smut ;) that I can possibly fit in it. This fic is going to be looong! So far my document is like 67,000 words. So editing is hard If you catch any grammatical or formatting errors let me know

March 26, 2016

y/n’s POV

I wake up groggy and dehydrated, my throat is burning. I squint my eyes to notice half my vision is blurred. I must’ve rubbed one of my contacts out. Out of habit I reach over to my bedside table looking for my contact lense solution but I don’t find it there. I don’t even find my bedside table. Then reality slowly begins to come back to me. For the first time in the last couple hours, days? I attain clarity.

Initially i’m sad, heartbroken. Then I grasp the melodrama that my life has become recently and suddenly I have the urge to roll my eyes at myself for my over dramatic outbreak. To be fair logically I did just survive what people may characterize as a trauma in the psychological world. But, i’m y/n shit like this doesn’t affect me, i’m impregnable. I am strong. Sitting here alone in this empty room I feel ashamed for letting my emotions rule so much of me. Cold hard logic, that’s what gets you through life.

They say humans are primarily emotional creatures who possess the advantage of logic, of rational. I disagree with that sometimes. I may err in my ways, I am human after all, but I’d like to think I am a logical creature. Who at times gives into bouts of irrational emotion.

I push myself off the bed and yawn stretching my arms above my head I hear my joints cracking. I’m still in my jeans from last night? Well no it’s night now. The clock reads 7.23pm and it’s dark outside. I can’t remember if I finished deconstructing the bomb. I guess I can go finish that now. Especially since i’m starting to feel much more clear headed now after being knocked out for god knows how long… I don’t feel like doing the math to answer that question. I need to change first and shower. Maybe I should stop by my place. I need my keys, they’re probably still in my office upstairs.

I walk over to the door that is slightly ajar and pull it open and stick my head out. The med bay is relatively quiet. I don’t see the nurse at her station. There isn’t much traffic down here. It usually only gets crowded when field agent’s report back from big missions. I thank my lucky stars no one’s around to stop me from slipping out and step out of the dimmed confines of my room. I don’t think I have the patience to deal with people right now.

I’m halfway to the elevator when Bucky sticks his head out from one of the other rooms and yells, “No! Get back in there you’re not going anywhere.” For a second this stops me in my tracks. I stare at him wide eyed like a deer facing headlights. Then I start to laugh at just how brazen he is.

Cho must’ve thought I was having a hysterical attack of some sort because she comes out of the room and walks towards me saying, “alright, come on.” She leads me back to my room and flips the lights on. Once we’re inside she leads me towards the bed, like a older sister helping her newborn sibling walk. I hop up on the soft padded bed, my legs swinging off the side, and look at her raising an eyebrow. “How are you feeling?” She says looking at me.

“I’m fine,” I say to which she then raises her eyebrow. “Alright, I’m not completely fine. But I assure you I feel fine.”

She takes her stethoscope off from around her neck and puts the eartips in and holds up the diaphragm. “I’m sorry,” she says and I feel a momentary pang in my heart at the loss i’ve just endured. But the pain is transient and I feel nothing once again. “You know how this works,” she says holding up the stethoscope to my chest. I breath in and out and we go through the usual routine. “Ben will be fine,” she says. At the sound of his name I feel the stab in my chest again, but this time the pain lingers for only a fraction of a second, then its gone again.

“Ben,” I say testing the word out. I feel it again, the pain, but it’s beginning to fade and the feeling lasts less and less every time it hits me. You would think the opposite would occur. That when everything sinks in i’d be heartbroken and crushed by the enormous weight of losing people who I love. I don’t use the word love lightly, now I guess i’ll get to use it much less. “Ben,” I say again just out of curiousity, will I feel the pang of pain again? I test the waters of my emotional capacity and the more I say their names, “Evie, Olivia, Ben,” the more disconnected I become from them and from the pain of losing them. I want to say that’s a good thing. That, I am strong. But, pain is apart of life. It’s a beautiful part of life isn’t it? Some people in life deserve your pain. They deserve your heartbreak. They deserve to leave a mark on you once they’re gone. They deserve to be remembered and mourned and grieved. Yet, every second that passes the more detached i’m becoming with my pain. Olivia and Evie deserve to be mourned, and I will mourn them, but I can’t give them my pain. I wish I could, because I love them and they deserve it…

Bucky’s POV

I wait about 5 minutes before walking over to the door. I put my hand around the handle and wait a second before I open it. I’m being an asshole, she just went through so much, and i’m being an asshole. But she never listens. She’s so headstrong and stubborn and that’s a great trait that I admire very much in her but sometimes I hate her for it. Especially when she doesn’t listen, when she doesn’t fucking just accept some help. She doesn’t have to do everything alone. She has so many people that fucking love her and that’s hard to come by. I sigh and let out a breath and hear her voice through the door.

“Olivia… Olivia, Olivia, Olivia,” I hear her repeat as if she was testing out the name for some reason.

“y/n?” I hear Cho say.

“Hmm?”

“You sedated yourself…”

“It’s fine i’m a doctor,” I hear y/n say with humor in her tone.

“Are we going through this again?”

Their conversation comes to a halt, or there’s a pause of silence, I can’t tell. My hand betrays me and curiosity getting the best of me I turn the handle and push the door open. Inside i’m met with y/n’s brown eyes staring at me quite startled. Like i’ve been caught trespassing on a private conversation.

Cho turns to me and then back to y/n. “He is going to take you home okay? Don’t do anything stupid, you know how to take care of yourself…” Cho sighs and walks out but not before turning to me and giving me a look that carries the weight of her concern. I nod.

“Come on,” I say looking at y/n after Cho leaves the room.

She hops off the bed and walks past me through the door without protest. “I have to get my keys, they’re upstairs.”

“I have a copy,” I say.

She stops and turns to look at me and says, “you have a copy of my key?”

“Yes,” I say, “I made a copy after I had to break into your apartment through a 7th floor window to save your life…”

“And you never told me?” She says shooting me a look, “that’s kinda creepy Bucky.” She turns back and resumes her walk towards the elevator.

How is she acting so normal? I guess normal is her coping mechanism. I’ve been through enough to know how damaging faking normalcy can be. Just cause you disconnect from certain things doesn’t mean you can just go back to being normal. Sometimes you have to go through it all before it’s normal again.

But I humor her she probably feels bad enough as is, I don’t want to add to it. “You break into my apartment every other week to take a nap on my sofa…”

“I don’t break in, you gave me the code!” She says defending herself.

“Fair enough. We both have each others keys and do relatively creepy things that border on invasion of personal space,” I say remembering every time I’d wake up or come home to find y/n asleep on my sofa. A couple times cuddled up under my comforter in my bed. I miss those days of our friendship. Recently I feel like we’re drifting. But, I know we’re not. We’re just people with lives and pressures and baggage.

“Agreed.” She says.

I drive her back home unlock the lobby door. Inside I find a field agent waiting with tablet in his hands. y/n turns to look at me and before she can say anything I answer, “yes live security, someone is always going to be here and with you 24/7. Yes it is necessary. You are clearly a target. No you can’t take care of yourself, because you can’t possibly protect yourself from an entire organization especially one as complex as Hydra. Any questions?”

She simply lets out a breath and turns towards the man smiles at him and then walks towards the staircase. Once we’re upstairs I unlock her apartment door and she walks in and I follow behind her.

y/n’s POV

Once i’m inside I feel like I haven’t been home in ages. Like i’m returning from some great big expedition after 2 years. I turn around to see Bucky behind me and I suddenly feel the urge to get him out of my house and just curl up on the sofa and stare at a wall in peace and quiet. Then I remember I still have his jacket from St. Patrick’s day. It was only a week ago but it feels like ages. I walk over to my room and grab it off the hook.

“Here,” I say handing him back his wooly leather masterpiece. If it wasn’t so big I would’ve kept it myself. He takes it and tosses it on the sofa and sits down. “What are you doing?” I say raising an eyebrow.

“I’m sitting,” he says looking up at me.

“Any plans as to when you will be standing and leaving?” I ask trying not to be rude. I’m thankful, I am, but I’m also lacking patience.

“If you don’t want me to stay I’ll leave.” He says shifting his position, “as soon as you’re asleep and I know you’re safe and resting.”

“I just slept for like 15 hours! I don’t feel like sleeping anymore,” I say.

“Well good then, i’ll keep you company,” he says. God he is so fucking stubborn sometimes it kills me.

“Fine.” I say. I walk over to my bathroom and strip off my clothes and hop into the shower hoping to kill a good hour. Maybe then i’ll be tired. By the time i’m done and i’ve scrubbed every inch of skin raw it’s only been 45 minutes. I change into a pair of pajamas and walk back into the living room to find Bucky flipping through his phone. I sit down next to him and lean my head up and just stare at the ceiling for a good twenty minutes before I get restless again. “Uhhh!’ I groan exasperated. I can’t take it! I get up and walk towards the kitchen.

“What are you doing?” he calls after me curiously. I can detect the faintest amount of concern in his tone that he is trying to hide.

“I’m going to clean something, I can’t just sit here.”

So, I clean. I’m already somewhat of a neat freak so there isn’t much to clean. I reorganize my closet and my bookshelf and do my laundry and fold everything pristinely. After about 2 hours of running around basically reorganizing things that are already organized I let out another exasperated groan. Bucky looks up from his phone again and says, “are you okay?”

“There’s nothing left to clean!”

He sighs and says, “come here.” I walk over towards the sofa and sit back down next to him. “Talk to me,” he implores searching my eyes, begging me to open up and trust him enough to be emotional around him. But I can’t. I’m not sure why. It’s not that I don’t trust him. I trust him with my life. But, I guess that too much has happened. Too much has happened now and it’s opened wounds and it’s slowly leaving me empty.

“I can’t. There is literally nothing to talk about. Shit happens. You move on.” I say.

“y/n disconnecting yourself from something so big, so fast isn’t going to help you move on,” he says sighing. The way I sigh when I try to teach interns something and they just aren’t getting it. “Trust me I know a thing or two about disconnecting from your emotions and how damaging that can be.”

“I’m not you Bucky. People are different.” That’s the only response I can give him.

“We’re all human, It’s okay to feel. It’s okay to miss your friend. It’s okay to miss Ben,” He says and before he can continue I cut him off.

“Stop!” I say, “What do you want me to do? Sit here and cry? Well I can’t okay I physically can’t. We can talk all night about how much i’m going to miss Ben. About how guilty I should be feeling about getting his mother and BABY sister killed and about destroying his family. But guess what I physically, no emotionally, can not feel it. God don’t you think I tried!”

“y/n” he says trying to calm me down.

“You don’t think it’s scary! That I can’t even feel sad about my dead friend! I know I should be feeling scared that i’m so freakishly disconnected from my reality and emotions right now, but guess what I don’t even feel scared. Now that’s the true horror story BUCKY! I was totally fine before all this happened you know. I mean I worked 70 hours a week and I was stressed but guess what I was fine. I felt happy, sad, scared normal people shit! But guess what you know how hard it is to get that back? I’m just too old and too tired to keep trying to get back to that place. This place is pretty fine too you know. It’s freakish yes, to be so disconnected from my emotions, but whatever. Oh well. Life goes on. Push on. I don’t have the time, capacity, energy, or patience to sit and cry. So I may not be ‘fine’ but trust me when I say I feel fine… in fact I don’t feel anything, except mildly annoyed at everyone prodding at me.” I rant finally putting into words what i’ve been feeling lately.

“I’m sorry,” he says.

“For what? You didn’t do anything…” I instantly regret my little rant.

“Because I know…” he says. “I know…”

#bucky fanfic #bucky smut #bucky x reader #bucky fluff #bucky series

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blackthornadoes · 7 years ago

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March 25

8:23 PM

I’m not sure if anyone’s ever reading this. This is supposed to be a private place where I can just share anything that I want to share. But since you’re here, maybe you’re someone I trust, or you’re a friend of mine who’s concerned about what’s going on. Or maybe you’re bored that you just want to check out what’s up. I used to blog stuff that I can share to other people, but this time it’s going to be most about me. Of course, it’s something that I’m required to do.

Anyway, here’s what’s going on. In 2 weeks, I’m having my first appointment to a new psychiatrist that my friend Ian suggested to me.

As I’ve already shared before, I was diagnosed with GAD last 2015 when I really got physically sick. I had an intermittent fever for 5 consecutive days. The doctors thought it was dengue. They got me checked, but my platelet count was normal. They found my WBC very low that it pertained to a viral infection. But the doctors doubted it because I only had fever as a sign by that time. After that, I shared about the weird dreams that I had. After hearing my story, they discharged me from the ER with no final diagnosis and referred me to the hospital psychiatrist.

Basically, I had really bad dreams even when I was fully awake (as in conscious of reality but couldn’t get the dream outside my head). The dream wouldn’t go away unless someone talks to me and distracts me from it. Mostly, all of those dreams would be something that came out of nothing to something weird into something telling me that everything is my fault (ex: raining poop in planet Earth and it happened because of me; commanding voices to kill my mom because it’s all what I wanted to do in the first place, because I’m a terrible daughter).

From those dreams, the doctor evaluated me and led me to that diagnosis. It’s a totally treatable condition, although they told me I needed to undergo sessions of psychotherapy because my mom refused to have me take long-term anxiolytics.

Well, the therapy didn’t happen. We weren’t fundamentally aware that such conditions exist at the time, and we didn’t have enough money for long-term treatments. We also didn’t really take it seriously as the dreams started to subside day by day and the fever went away with it. I was able to function again as how I used to be, although there would really be times when I didn’t want to go outside and just spend my day indoors with people I trust, with people who I knew accepted me and loved me for who I am.

So much about what happened 3 years ago, I’m starting this journal once again since I’m going to that new psych next week. Well, you see, it’s been pretty hard for me to take these past few months. Given the emotional stress and challenges that our family has been facing (my dad refusing to get a job, my mom working full-time and losing her identity from trying to prove herself to my dad that she can work, and the both of them not talking to each other for months now), I’m starting to lose control over my decision-making. I have been super forgetful that I went from having trouble recalling what I ate in the past day to forgetting to brush my teeth for 2 consecutive days. I started to space out a lot and stare unconsciously into things and people (which scared them a lot). I have lost weight and have been constipated for a month now for some idk reason. I get irritated very easily, and I’d always overthink about what people think of me that I have to come up to each person who I thought was annoyed at me and apologize.

It’s hard to feel like you mess things up all the time. It’s hard to be in a situation where you always feel like you’re stuck and you have nowhere to go, and it sucks that people around you have no idea about what’s going on. And what sucks more is that feeling helpless still makes you feel like it’s your fault. The fact that you annoy people from the constant reassurance that you need to free yourself up from the suffocating feeling of being a dreadful person makes it so hard to bear.

Because of all of this, I’m going to write how I feel today. Well, I was told that diary helps the psych get to have a good grasp about your feelings when you have a hard time verbalizing during consults. I’m not sure if anyone’s ever reading this, but if you are here by accident, please don’t let me know that you were here. I just really want to have a safe space where I can express what I want to say, without making me feel bad about myself.

So, yeah.

I had a really great time today.

I was at church, and I was with people who I genuinely love.

I knew I was around people who care for me and who would lay down their lives for me (that’s how much we love each other). But what I don’t really quite understand is how some of the sisters in the church, especially those who were a lot older than me ignore me just because they aren’t close with me. They’re not supposed to be like that because it’s God’s command --- to encourage one another as long as it is called today. I really want to be the first person to initiate conversations, but man how hard it is for me to do that these past few weeks.

As most people know, I serve in the ushering ministry. I meet a lot of people and I get to hug and greet everyone who walked past the floodgates of the church. But ever since I took a break just to be able to show my love to everyone (since we’re limited to talking to people for a long time because of our own designated posts), it seemed to feel like it’s not my job anymore. Maybe from that point on, it made it hard for me to initiate conversations. Maybe I was used to standing in the door and just say plain “Good mornings” and “Welcome’s” to everyone. Whatever it might be, I don’t like the feeling it gives me.

I also just had bumps with my sister (again). I really don’t like it when she talks back to me when I’m correcting something wrong that she’s done. She’d always make it about me when I’m talking about her, and I feel disrespected.

My mom is not here. She’s at work, and I really don’t know how I’m supposed to feel that she didn’t come to church with us today when she told me she’s going to leave work to go with us. I miss my mom a lot, but looking at her and justifying herself for coming to work “because it’s for us” makes me sad. It’s not that I don’t want to meet my mom anymore, but more of avoiding the feeling of sadness so I don’t want to meet her yet. It’s so weird because I don’t want her to come home, but I’m also worried why she’s not home yet. Something may have happened to her in the way, and that’s really scary to think about.

My dad, on the other hand, made me super afraid earlier when he raised his voice to Dani to “clean her ears” after having to repeat what he’s said a couple of times to her. I really don’t like it when people raise their voices, especially when they could say it in a normal voice tone but exaggerates a lot. It makes my heart feel like it’s going to explode.

Despite of having a “good day” in general, I still feel like I could do something today. I thought of eating, but I’m saving up. So what about playing the uku? Well, I’m pretty tired so maybe I can play tomorrow. There’s a lot of things that I wanna do, but I can’t seem to figure out exactly what it is. I know that I don’t wanna sleep yet, but there’s this feeling in my heart that I have missed doing something that’s gonna make me feel complete once I do it. Maybe I’m just gonna read my Bible again (I wouldn’t have gone far for the day if not for it.)

Well, whatever it may be, I’ll figure it out one at a time. Maybe this is going to be it as of this time. I’m going to update my blog again the same time tomorrow.

I hope that you had a great day.

#entry

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wakabahiguchi · 7 years ago

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pre-gpf skating hype thread

Seeing as I kind of gave up writing skating event recaps a year or so ago, I thought I’d dip my toes into the pre-thread writing I used to do since it’s the olympic season once again (shudder).

Trying to keep this positive since this season in particular has been rough for many of the athletes. Here’s what I’m looking forward to, including my wishes for the last major international competition before the Olympic Games!

Ladies

Would this qualify for a ‘started from the bottom now we here’ proclamation? Basically, I was mentally preparing myself to live with the fact that Wakaba wouldn’t make the GPF due to her criminal underscoring during COC. However, I was proven wrong! Wakaba is such an expressive person that she even posted on her twitter twice, reactions of her initially thinking that she didn’t qualify for the GPF and then once again when she realized that she’d made it! Her programs this season are my favorite set of programs this season, and such a step up from her senior debut programs. She’s now getting top-level scores and will hopefully gain momentum during the gpf! I could not be happier for Satoko making the final as well, for a chance to defend her 2 reigning consecutive silver medals! Coming back from injury is never easy (s/h were an anomaly) and I knew not to expect too much from Satoko when she returned to skating. NHK was disappointing but not surprising, and I knew that she was still on the road to recovery. However, she showed up for skate america like her usual self and completely blew me away. Her programs are both Japanese themed which I love, and her skating skills and interpretation of her amazing choreography has also improved from when I last saw her. IDK, seeing her at NHK was pretty normal for me since it was a tad big underwhelming, but finally seeing her shine like she used to during SA made me truly realize how much I missed her skating. Like when s/h finally returned last year at 4cc, I never really understood how much I missed Satoko’s skating until I got to see her once again, and realize what I had been missing out on.

Since this is not a recap, I’ll just let the chips fall where they may with the other ladies. They are not my favorites, but they seem to be well liked by the judges so we’ll see how it goes. I for one, am rooting for my two Japanese ladies to have wonderful performances for the GPF!

Mens

The first GPF without yuzuru/patrick/javier in years. And now with the absence of Boyang, the field seems kind of empty, honestly. However, I am looking forward to watching Shoma and Nathan in particular, and especially the 3(!) US men! Nathan has really improved in my mind and I’m particularly impressed by his SP, which is to a song I first heard while watching Quantico fun fact. I love the story behind his FS and I’m a fan of using non-western music in programs. I love the addition of rite of spring as well, and how it works with the story his program is based off of. Shoma is returning to Turandot, the program which he kind of bombed at Worlds 2016 when I saw him at boston. I’m hoping he performs it better this season and keeps his awesome cantilever! I always have less to write about for the men because I generally am a fan of them all and less invested in the results. It’s probably my least invested event in terms of how upset I’ll be at the result, which in a way is relaxing because I won’t be a complete mess at the results because someone I like usually does well anyways :)

Pairs

This event will either be my favorite or least favorite event depending on how the results/competition go. See my last post about how the mens competition is usually pretty chill and not stressful? Opposite for pairs right here. Pairs used to be that kind of competition because I had no expectations for my favorites. they could suck and I’d still be okay because I loved their programs and they weren’t really expected to win much anyways. But now, Sui/Han are coming into the GPF after withdrawing for the past 2 years as reigning world champions and the current world record holders. Not only that, they are top seeded for the GPF for the first time (I think). Sui/Han have been my saving grace this season so far (especially when I thought Waka/Satoko wouldn’t make it to the gpf) and so far, they’ve been undefeated since 4CC 2017. For the first time, they’re coming into the GPF and a major competition as the top favorites which is such an unfamiliar thing to see as a fan of theirs who has watched them struggle so much in the past. The thing is, in my eyes, they are not the judges favorites, nor are they guarantees for gold. However, against all odds, against all injuries, Sui/Han have managed to deliver what they’ve needed to for the past year, and won what they’ve needed to win. They made some mistakes at Shanghai trophy, but I’m glad it was at that competition rather than a bigger one. I’ve been wanting Sui/Han at the GPF for the past 2 years ever since they took the ‘surprise’ bronze in 2015, and now I’m getting that wish. I still can’t decide whether I think that winning/not winning would be better for their OGM chances, but like I said, I’ll let the chips fall where they may. I can confidently say that pairs events make me stressed out the most now, which is unfortunate because it used to be my stress-free event. But regardless what happens, I will never ever drop Sui/Han and I will always root for them to win ALL the things.

Although I’m sad J/C didn’t qualify, Yu/Zhang certainly skated to deserve their spot as the final qualifier of the GPF. With their near-flawless skate at SA, they’re developing into a top tier team and have the packaging this season to do it. I’m still salty about the pair switch but I do root for them because I like Xiaoyu lol. I hope they can repeat their SA performances and spoil the podium at the GPF! I have always enjoyed Savchenko/Massot’s unique programs and I wish them well. To me, they are one of the judge’s favorites so I’m sure they won’t have any problem scoring big even with a couple of mistakes. I always tend to root for underdogs regardless so a part of me is hoping S/K do well, but maybe it’s just nostalgia. The rest aren’t my cup of tea :^)

Ice Dancing

Basically it’s team USA who I’m rooting for, surprise surprise. Surprisingly, I’m becoming less and less invested in ice dancing because it’s becoming a little too predictable for me when compared with the other 3. Of course, I’m rooting for my sentimental favorites The Shibutanis and Chock/Bates who I’ve become great fans of over the last quad. I’m hoping they put out great programs and one of them gets that bronze medal. I’m also sentimentally rooting for Capellini/Lanotte because I’ve been a fan of theirs since before 2014 and I love their programs. As for the fight for gold, it could go either way. I don’t really care who wins, which is nice to feel I guess. As long as my American teams do well, I’ll be happy :)

Juniors

Haven’t really kept up, but I’m keeping my eye out for Rika Kihira’s 3A’s!

Basically, to conclude, I will be keeping my eye out for the Ladies and Pairs results the most. Mens/Ice Dance will be incredible, but events where the result won’t make me too upset. Pairs has the potential to upset me the most, but we’ll see how it goes. As always, I’m lighting a theoretical candle for my favorites and will probably throw up during the pairs event :) Best of luck to my favorites, and one obligatory “I can’t believe it’s already the winter olympics this year! I can’t believe it’s been 8 years since I’ve been following skating, and 4 years since the worst competition and olympics that I’ve ever seen! I can’t believe this quad has gone by this fast, and how fast some skaters have come and gone versus other skaters who have truly risen!” what a season so far

#fs recap #my thoughts

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