#I made this post in a crappy mood and it's been sitting in my drafts for like days please don't hate me for this LMAO

[piko-power]

Being a Sonamy fan is hard (and just being an Amy Rose fan in general)

*quick note, I have only seen a few leaks regarding Sonic X Shadow Generations so take this post with a grain of salt and please add in some stuff about the game that I should be aware of because I have a feeling that this post might be incorrect about a lot of things*

*contains possible Sonic X Shadow Generations spoilers*

Being in love with Sonic isn't Amy's only trait. She is something more. She's a baker, a tarot card user, she's got a strong heart of gold, and is just a passionate and cheerful cute little weird girl.

As a Sonamy fan, these "changes" are nothing special or big, it's still just Amy being Amy, but this time more than just wanting to be with Sonic. I am aware of that one edit where Amy was trying to give Sonic cupcakes. It's really cute, but it's not the same without the hand over her face. Am I complaining? Yes, and no, it's hard to describe. (I don't have the image with me atm but in the future I'll edited in on this post)

I'm not complaining because we are seeing Amy just doing more than just, loving over Sonic. She still is in that cutscene, and most of the game as far as I'm concerned (I haven't seen all of the leaks), but in a more calmer fashion.

But at the same time, I am complaining because, and I highly doubt SEGA is doing this, at least on purpose, but Amy's crush on Sonic feels like is getting buried in a way.

I kind of worry that a newer generation of Sonic fans will never find out about Amy's crush for Sonic, or just how wonderful their dynamic in general is if this keeps going on.

I know it won't, but still, we haven't been seeing that a lot. But at least if you want to introduce new fans Sonic and Amy's dynamic, platonically or romantically, make sure to not bring up Heroes or a couple of X episodes please LMAO

(But that one episode where Amy and Sam talk about her relationship with Sonic, yeah, bring that one up. OH. and the last episode of Season 2, don't forget about that one.)

Look, we're all high on Son/adow right now, and it feels good, but what about Sonamy? Sonamy and Son/adow have a lot in common and are both really good with angst potential and lots of great character interactions. At least in my opinion anyway. (Topic for another day, if I'm brave enough)

I love them both equally, so I want to see an equal amount of hedgehog dorks being together. Or better yet, Sonamyshad. 😎

But I'm getting slight off-topic...

I don't want Amy's crush to be forgotten. You don't even have to like Sonamy to understand why and how Amy's feelings for him is actually really important for her character. (Again, topic for another day)

I mean, of course, some reasons as of why relate to my personal headcanons, but there are other good in-canon reasons, too!

Hell, even Sonic and Amy's friendship is just as important. They don't have to be a couple, but that doesn't mean we have to pretend that Amy never fell in love with the hedgehog who saved her life in more ways than one.

I also don't want how much Sonic and Amy's relationship improved throughout the years to be forgotten, either. This is why I'd rather have the shot of Sonic's covering her face with his hand, because he wouldn't do this today, and that's the point of all this...

They both started off as goofy, little kids, one wanting to share her love like wildfire, and the other always running off, not understanding the concept of love, and, of course, not loving her back.

Amy was much more loud and expressive about her love, and Sonic, while he knows there is good in Amy, does not want to be part of a relationship, and doesn't know how to talk things out about it, even with Amy not taking "no" for an answer. The solution? Just run away lol

Yeah, there are times where he called her a "pain" and thought of her as "annoying," but those times he was either in a hurry, or in a bad mood. Remember: They were both younger at the time, so it's in-character for Sonic at that age.

Sonic and Amy don't have a lot of moments where they're just, together. And not just for a "date." Sonic doesn't know a lot about Amy other than her love for him. ...Okay, some things he does know, but not a lot.

Their relationship was beginning to shift after the events of Lost World and especially after Forces, which I would explain, but I'm gonna put a link here because I don't want this post to be too long.

But if you have read it, then the next couple of texts would have some context lol

Anyways, after all that, Sonic and Amy's relationship was a lot different now. Amy was more calm but still cheerful, just not showing a lot of her love for Sonic because she's fully aware that none of that is important, and Sonic was more gentle around her because he wanted to be better than how he acted towards her for a while.

They both just want to hang out and start over as proper friends, but eventually, Sonic would find out what Amy was going through mentally, and how long she kept this from him.

Perhaps after that, Sonic wouldn't mind being closer to Amy, but he still has a world to look after. But hey, maybe slowing down and letting Amy catch up with him won't be so bad. Besides, he's finally seeing her happy with just him for the first time in a while, and he never realized just how much he missed it until now.

Buuuuut, those are just my headcanons, like I mentioned earlier. We all have our reasons why we love or dislike a ship (as long as it's not gross), and I have my own.

These two, just like son/adow, hold a special place in my heart because of what I went through myself, and how much they both have grown, and I truly hope that their relationship and friendship won't be forgotten.

I know it won't happen, but I still have that feeling... Probably because no body cares about their dynamic as much anymore.

Because of the past and people misinterpreting the ship, and Amy's character as a whole, the fandom seemed to care less about it. I mean, I don't blame them, but... it's still pretty messed up.

It's fine if you don't like sonamy, but I really hope you dislike it for a genuine reason, and not just because of some fans getting some things, or worse, everything about Amy and/or the ship wrong.

Amy's character arcs through the games, and her and Sonic's dynamic through the years have been overlooked as far as I'm concerned. Not like heavily overlooked, it's just that it's been a while since I've seen people give a damn about Amy Rose, especially SEGA.

I know we got The Murder of Sonic the Hedgehog, but I feel like that's not enough.

What's going on with Sonic X Shadow Generations is pretty strange, but first of all, it's not Ian's fault god dammit, and second, I don't see it as a big deal. I haven't seen most of the leaks, but as far as I'm concerned, it's not that bad.

(But I have heard about that one cutscene with Knuckles and Classic Sonic and I couldn't help but laugh my ass off over it XD)

But with how the game is handling Amy, please be aware that this isn't the first time this happened, and it's not even that bad either. I mean, yeah I did mention how I'm worried about it, but I was over it once, I'll get over it again lol

There have been discussions about this since the Fast Friends Forever bio thing that happened last year, and I'm getting kind of tired of the arguments by now.

Amy stopped chasing Sonic not because she doesn't love him anymore, but because she doesn't need too. She is part of the team and has been closer with Sonic for a long time now. She doesn't need to follow them around when she already have proven herself to be useful and a fighter.

I'm really happy Amy is being recognized as something more than having a crush on Sonic, but having a crush is the heart of Amy's character.

Looking up to Sonic and wanting to be like him is what made Amy Rose... well, Amy Rose. She pushed herself and fought hard to be the person she wanted to be, and it's all thanks to Sonic.

He inspired a lot of people around him, especially Amy, so it's no wonder why she loves him so much. Plus, her tarot cards told her that he would be the love of her life, but I feel like even if the cards are wrong (not saying they are lol), she still loves him.

I want Amy's feelings for Sonic, and their friendship and their potential relationship to be remembered for a long time. I don't want them to be pushed to the side forever.

I don't want people to believe that her crush is her only trait, even though it's so important to her character.

I don't want Amy to change too much. Friends or not, I don't want her to give up on Sonic entirely.

I don't want this fandom to forget about Amy Rose.

[snelbz]

broken.

{rowaelin angst}

A/N: So this has been sitting in my drafts for uh. 8 months, and I legit forgot it existed sooo. Enjoy!

The little black box that sat on his dresser haunted him.

Rowan had been staring at it for what seemed like hours without any hope of falling asleep. He glanced at the alarm clock on his dresser. 2:16. His eyes drifted back to the box. He wondered if the diamond inside would gleam in the moonlight streaming through his thin curtained window.

He wondered if she would have liked the ring.

He supposed he would never know.

He didn’t understand how they had gotten here. How he had ended up in bed - in their bed - alone. He reached out ran his hand down the unoccupied pillow next to him.

Just yesterday, she woken up beside him. Just yesterday, she’d slipped out of bed before he was awake to make him a cup of coffee. It was still steaming on his bedside table when he’d woken up, though she was long gone, hoping to beat the morning traffic heading into Orynth.

He’d gone back through their texts from the day over a hundred times already, looking for some clue or sign of what was to come. There was none. They’d talked about nothing out of the ordinary, but that had been his goal. For her to suspect nothing and assume that it was any normal day.

At lunch, he’d called her. He’d suggested they go somewhere nice for dinner, rather than the regular take out one of them picked up on the way home, the one element crucial to his plan. If there was no fancy dinner, there was no proposal.

But he didn’t expect her to say no.

“I’m swamped with work,” she’d said. “I really just need to go to my apartment tonight and focus on these files.”

He’d offered, “I’ll come over then. Pick up dinner on the way.”

“Not tonight, Rowan.”

The tones of her voice made him hesitate before he pushed her.

Rowan’s eyes fluttered shut.

He missed her.

It had only been a day and the absence of her in their bed was agonizing.

Rowan picked up his phone and went to her contact page. He pressed the call button. It went straight to voicemail.

Hey, it’s Aelin. I’m busy. Call later or leave a message. Actually, text me. Why are you calling me in the first place?

The recorded lady told him to leave a message after the beep.

The beep came.

Rowan said nothing. What was there to say?

I miss you. I love you. Come back to me. Please.

Rowan hung up and let his phone fall into her pillow.

He had thought about going to her apartment, but he knew it was pointless. He’d never get inside. Instead he’d paced around his house today. He’d smashed things and broken them. He’d screamed until he was sure his neighbors had heard and was surprised when no police had shown up. He’d punched the wall so hard there was a fist-sized hole in the drywall. As he looked up at it, he clenched his stiff fingers.

Useless.

It was useless.

Pointless.

They had been together since high school. Seven years. Everyone said high school sweethearts don’t end up together. But they were wrong. She was his forever.

Seven years.

And now there was nothing.

Nothing but pain and emptiness and an agonizing hole in his chest that could not be filled.

He called her number again, knowing that it would go straight to her voicemail as it did before.

He did it again.

And again.

And again.

Until he finally got the nerve to leave a message after the beep.

“I love you,” he said, quietly, into the phone. “I miss you. I’m so sorry, Fireheart.”

He hung up and stared at the white ceiling.

He knew she wouldn’t be calling back, knew she wouldn’t answer the phone, no matter how many times he called.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Life wasn’t supposed to laugh at you like this.

You weren’t supposed to get a taste of happiness, to see everything you’ve ever wanted in front of you, and all you had to do was reach out and take it.

Only to have it ripped from your grasp at the last second.

He picked up his phone, to do what, he didn’t know. Probably to call again, but he paused. His eyes landed on the blue app in the upper corner of his screen and he tapped on it.

Before his feed could even load, he’d clicked on the small magnifying glass in the corner and began to type. Her name appeared after only typing “A”.

He selected her profile, and a photo of her, beaming at the person behind the camera, was displayed front and center. He’d taken the photo, on the ride home from her recent college graduation. The pride displayed on her face was obvious. As was the love in her turquoise and gold eyes.

He quickly closed the app, not allowing himself to scroll through her feed. To see if anything had been posted.

His phone rang in his hand, and even though he knew it wasn’t going to be her despite the late hour, he still hoped. But when he focused on the name on the display, he saw that it was Lorcan, and he declined the call.

He wasn’t in the mood for one of his oldest friend’s particular brand of bad mood tonight.

He had his own to contend with.

He didn’t want to talk to anyone.

No one but her.

Giving up on the idea of sleep, Rowan crawled out of bed as the clock hit three.

He went into the kitchen and turned on the light above the stove.

He turned around.

Her gray cardigan was tossed over the back of one of the chairs pushed up to his crappy, yard sale kitchen table.

They had picked out that table together, after Aelin had convinced him that a kitchen table was necessary and made an offer to the seller. The offer included the kitchen table and the hideous floral chair Rowan had sitting in the corner of his living room.

He hated that chair, had only put it in his apartment because Aelin found it charming.

Rowan poured himself a glass of whiskey and sat in that ugly chair. He grabbed her sweater as he passed and clutched it in his bruised and sore hand. He closed his eyes and raised it to his face. He breathed in deeply, breathing her in, breathing in the firey, crisp scent of her.

The sob the burst out of him on his exhale surprised even him. He didn’t expect the full body tremors that shook he as the tears finally spilled.

Gods, he missed her. He wanted her. He wanted to talk to her. He needed her to tell him everything was going to be okay.

So he tried to call her again.

“Aes, baby, I love you. I need you.” His voice was a gravelly rasp, barely intelligible into the phone’s microphone. “Please, baby. Please.”

He wasn’t above begging. Hell, he’d done it before. Practically had to do it to get her to go out with him in the first place, the beautiful, sophomore cheerleader, being approached by the boy, covered in tattoos at only seventeen, that everyone said was bad news.

And maybe he was bad news.

Maybe it was karma that had led him to lose her.

Maybe it was all his fault.

She was too good for him. Even the gods knew it. But she had loved him, he knew she did. A deep, all consuming love. That is what they shared.

But Rowan didn’t deserve such a love.

So it had to be taken from him.

Rowan screamed, his glass of whiskey falling from his grasp onto the rug beneath.

He didn’t care.

Let it soak in, let it stain. Let it be a reminder of what he had lost.

His phone chimed on the counter, a signal of an incoming text message, and again, he sprang for it. He unlocked it and read the message, his heart falling when he read the words.

I’m outside of your place, Whitethorn. I can see that the light is on. Just give me some sort of sign that you’re alive in there and I’ll leave you be. Elide is worried about you and it’s cutting into my sleep schedule.

Elide, gods bless her. The sweetest soul that he’d ever had the pleasure of meeting. How Lorcan had charmed her, he’d never know.

Instead of replying, he slowly turned around, shuffled to the corner by the window, where the lamp stood, illuminating his small apartment. With a quick twist of his wrist, he turned the lamp off, plunging the room into darkness.

He just stood there, letting the darkness in his heart match that of his home, and after a minute, his phone chimed again, another text from Lorcan.

Thank you, that’s all I needed.

Rowan closed his eyes and listened to the sounds around him. He could hear the A/C unit, humming quietly. He could hear someone on the floor above’s washing machine as it spun. He could hear a tv on down the hall. But he couldn’t hear the quiet snore that left her when she was deeply and completely asleep. Because that snore was gone. His phone chimed one last time and his eyes snapped open and he looked at it.

And Rowan, I’m sorry about Aelin. I really am.

Rowan read the words over and over, letting them process, but never quite taking them in. His breathing quickened, his heart felt like it was about to beat out of his chest.

With a yell of rage, he launched his phone at the wall across the room. It was like a small explosion when it made impact, tiny pieces of glass and plastic and metal ricocheting across the room.

He dropped to his knees and wept.

He couldn’t get over this.

There was no getting over this, getting over her.

It didn’t make sense.

None of it made sense.

Rowan sat on his knees until all of the tears left his body and he eventually fell into a steady numbness.

Was this how it would be?

Living, but wishing he weren’t?

Rowan laid down on the rug, next to the stain from his whiskey.

He had laid her down nights before on that rug and made love to her until late in the night that turned into early morning.

Everywhere he looked there was a memory.

She was everywhere.

So he closed his eyes and tried not to think.

The next thing Rowan knew, there was a banging on his front door and a pain in his neck and back.

The banging continued, but it was accompanied by a lilting voice. “Rowan Whitethorn, I swear to the gods, if you’re in there and don’t open this door right now, I will personally kick your ass.”

He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t face the couple he knew was on the other side. Specifically, he couldn’t face him.

He couldn’t look at him and see her.

He couldn’t see the golden hair and the remarkable, identical eyes. Eyes no one but the two of them shared.

He couldn’t take the pity that would be in them.

“Go away,” he said. He wanted to yell it, but his voice came out broken and raspy.

The knock came once more.

“Please, Rowan,” she said.

If it was just Aedion, Rowan would’ve ignored it. But Lysandra’s plea broke him.

Rowan pushed himself off the floor and stumbled to the door. He knew he looked like shit, smelled like shit, but he didn’t care.

He cracked open the door and peeked through the slit. “What.”

He didn’t meet their gazes.

He knew they would be loaded with pity, and he couldn’t take it.

“May we come in?” Lysandra asked, gently.

That gentleness only made him more agitated.

“It’s not a good time.”

He knew he was being rude. He knew he was being an ass to the people who’d been his family for so many years.

“You think you’re the only one who’s hurting?”

“Aedion,” Lysandra said, a hand pressed to his chest. “We’re here to check on Rowan.”

It was then that Rowan glanced up at Aedion, at the eyes he’d loved so fiercely.

“You don’t need to check on me,” Rowan said, quietly. “I’m perfectly fine being alone right now.”

Aedion’s gaze did not falter from Rowan’s. Rowan wondered if Aedion knew the thoughts that were running through his mind. He wondered if Aedion knew that when Rowan looked at him, all he saw was Aelin.

Seeing Aedion did more hurt than good.

“If you need anything-.” Lysandra began, but was cut off.

“I’ll call,” Rowan interrupted, attempting to sound as if he meant it.

He shut the door without another word, leaning against it after it clicked shut. Rowan slid down the cold, wooden board as Aedion and Lysandra’s footsteps faded away into the distance.

He wasn’t sure how long he sat there, his back against the door, his feet planted on the floor. Long enough that his legs slid out from under him of their own accord. Long enough that somehow, he ended up laying on the cheap flooring meant to look like wood all day and then all night.

Around 6:30 the next morning, the sun reached the remnants of his phone, the shards of glass reflecting the light directly into his eyes.

He’d promised Lysandra he’d call if he needed something. His phone was in pieces and besides, there was only phone number he had memorized and he knew that one would go unanswered.

His stomach growled, but he never got up, even when the rumbles became empty aches. He just laid there, wondering if it was a good thing or a bad thing that he hadn’t needed to use the bathroom in days.

There was a knock on the door twice, but neither time did Rowan do more than blink at the startling noise.

He’d lost track of the days when footsteps approached his door, a key was fit into the door and the lock clicked as it was released. Rowan was up before the door could be swung open, his hopes high regardless of knowing there was no way she’d be on the other side of the door. Even though no one had a spare but her.

It wasn’t her.

Elide stepped through the door, and Rowan’s breathing quickened. It was as if every emotion he had ignored in the past twenty-four hours came flooding.

A quiet, broken sob fell out of him, and Elide was quickly moving toward him. She took Rowan, who was a foot taller than she, into her arms and held him tightly.

When Rowan’s breathing finally evened out, Elide whispered, “We hadn’t heard anything in a few days, so I got Aelin’s key. I just wanted to make sure that you… I just wanted to make sure that you were okay.”

Rowan said nothing. He didn’t move. He didn’t say a word. He just stood there, letting Elide hold onto him. Minutes passed before Rowan even realized that he was clutching her sweater so hard that his fingers were turning white at the tips.

“Rowan, you-.” Elide began, but paused to clear her throat. “You know you need to go see her.”

The room was silent. The only sound in the entire house was the rain pattering against the windows.

Rowan wasn’t sure when it had started to rain.

“She would-.”

“I know, Elide,” he whispered, sharply, but not unkindly. It had the desired effect though, and the dark haired girl stayed quiet. He rested his cheek on Elide’s head.

There was nothing remotely romantic in the gesture. Elide had become almost a little sister of sorts in the past few years. At first, she was just Aelin’s younger friend, and he’d loved her then. But now that she’d also become his best friend’s wife, that sense of protection he felt over was even stronger. There were many nights he’d stayed over at the Salvaterre/Lochan household, drinking and talking too late into the night, but not just with Lorcan. There were things he couldn’t talk to his Captain and best friend about, things that needed the delicate nature of a female.

“I just can’t yet, El,” he whispered. “I can’t just go over there and-.”

“And what?” She asked, pulling back and gripping his forearms. “After everything you’ve been through, after how long you loved her, you aren’t even going to say goodbye?”

Rowan stayed quiet, a million thoughts running through his mind. He shook his head. “I don’t want it to be goodbye. Not yet.”

Elide’s gaze softened, her palm resting against Rowan’s stubbled cheek. “Then don’t say goodbye. Just...go talk to her.”

Rowan said nothing for a long while. Then, at last, he nodded.

Elide gave him one more quick hug and began to back away. “Don’t go today. It’s rainy and gross and you know how she feels about rain. Go tomorrow, it’s going to be sunny and pretty and-.”

“A new day,” Rowan completed for her. The closest thing to a smile he’d felt in days tugged on the corner of his lip. “Thank you for coming to check on me.”

She paused by the door. “We love you, Ro. We miss you. Things aren’t the same without you. We know that things will probably never be the same but…” She blinked a few times and closed her eyes. “We’re all going to the Stag after work on Friday, like we used to. Should I save your usual seat?”

A real smile, though still sad, spread across his face. “I’ll do my best.”

She smiled and said, “That’s all we’re asking for,” and slipped out the door.

That night, Rowan went upstairs and slept in their bed, clutching her pillow to his chest. Her scent felt like coming home.

Gods, how many days had it been since he’d seen her? How many nights had he slept without her by his side? How many mornings had he gone without feeling her curl into his side, just before his alarm would go off?

How many days had she been gone?

After a night of fitful, but actual sleep, Rowan got up early, earlier than should have been acceptable, once he discovered it was a Saturday, and showered and shaved. He had to look his best for her. He had to impress.

He shrugged on a pair of jeans and a tee shirt before grabbing his jacket off the bedpost and shrugging it on. He looked in the mirror and decided it was good enough.

She had bought him that jacket. She loved that jacket.

He slipped on his boots and headed out the door. The sun was rising, and Rowan almost got lightheaded from the fresh air. It had been a while since he had gone outside.

Rowan headed east once he reached the sidewalk outside of his apartment building. He reached the corner store about five minutes later. They had just opened as he went inside, the bell ringing above the door as he made his entrance. After paying for a small bouquet of red roses, Rowan continued his walk through town.

Not many people were out, just those heading to work or on the walk of shame back to their own homesteads.

Rowan didn’t pay attention to any of them. His mind was on her. He was almost there.

And when he finally arrived, he panicked.

He wasn’t ready.

But he had to be.

The iron gates were open.

He walked through them, the autumn leaves rustling and crunching beneath his boots as he walked the winding path.

Elide had told him where she’d be.

The closer he got, though, the slower he moved, the heavier he breathed, the blurrier his vision became.

He found her.

And when he reached her, he fell to the ground, his knees landing in the damp grass.

It was real.

He didn’t want it to be real.

Real. It was real.

“Fireheart,” he whispered, voice trembling.

Rowan laid the roses down in front of the stone that read Aelin Ashryver Galathynius. Daughter and Friend, and wept.

[twoidiotwriters1]

Starcrossed Losers VIII (Josh Wheeler xReader)

A/N: Listen, I’m not saying my heart hurts every time I write their shitty talks, but I really need a hug right now. I’m too soft. Also, you guys prefer short chapters or long chapters? cause I have a 6k draft and idk if I should divide it into two parts or post it like that lmaoo

Words: 3,782

Warnings: Uh, sadness and we get a sort of graphic death scene. Alex has a gun to get rid of ghoulies so that’s also a thing ig?? The fluff might suffocate you.

Previous chapter // Next chapter

I bet you’re not surprised. This whole story started with me telling you that my life changed because of Josh. I guess is not a shocker to find out I didn’t leave the mall. Although the circumstances must’ve been surprising right? No? Okay then, party poopers. I’ll keep going with my narration:

“Where is he?”

“Still on the carrousel,” Angelica tells me, “he’s been there since last night”

“You keep giving him the slime?”

“Yes, I also make sure he eats it”

“Well, at least he’s eating something,” I sigh, “I don’t get it, where do you found her body again?”

Wesley coughs, he’s laying on the couch in front of me, so I can’t see his face but I can hear his voice:

“The middle of the street, close to a parking lot”

“Close to Cheeramazon territory?”

“No, no one lives there.”

“What was she doing there?”

“Maybe she was looking for Josh,” Offers Angelica, “you and Josh were loners, Sam could’ve been one too, only that she wasn’t lucky”

“Maybe”

I think about it for a moment, Sam and Josh were sorta dating when all this happened, they fought and she wants to fix things but she’s alone and things get out of control. It’s an awful thought, yet possible. 

“Why didn’t you tell me when you got back?” I ask them, “you seemed okay when I talked to you...”

“You were happy to see us back with the medicines,” Wesley retorts, “we didn’t want to ruin your mood. I know we did it anyway the next morning but at least you got to sleep better that night, right?”

“I suppose,” I sink further in the bed.

That afternoon I tell Angelica that I’ll take the slime to Josh and a small cup of the instant chicken soup I had on my bag.  He’s laying on the floor, his eyes are closed, however, I know he’s not sleeping. I know cause I’ve seen the way he looks when he sleeps. 

Okay, that sounded creepy. Ignore that I said that.

I walk up to him and kick his leg softly. He opens his eyes and looks over at me.

“Time to eat,” I put the bowl with slime next to his head and the chicken soup next to it, then I sit on his right. Josh gets up and takes the first bowl between his hands.

“I’m getting real’ tired of the taste,” His voice is low, hurting.

“You should’ve thought of that before cutting off your finger” I reply.

“I was preoccupied thinking about not becoming a Ghoulie.”

“Right,” I smile softly, “how are you feeling?”

“Like crap,” He looks at me briefly before putting his attention back on the slime, “I don’t wanna talk about it.”

“Okay,” I change my position so I’m facing him completely, “I just want you to know that I get it. You don’t have to tell me anything but I know how you feel.”

He looks up again and this time his eyes remain on me, curiosity pouring through them.

“Your sister?”

“My sister, my parents, my best friend...” I sigh, “it’s all the same at the end if I’m honest”

“What do you mean?”

“My sister...” I explain, “I didn’t know exactly how old you had to be to turn into a ghoulie, so part of me was expecting to see her fine. Once I lived through that nightmare, everything else just felt... numb.”

------------------------------------------

“You sure this is the right hall?”

“Yes, Alex. Now stop talking before another horde of Ghoulies run our way.”

“That was one time and it was an accident!”

“Everything bad that happens to us because of your impulsiveness is always an accident according to you,” I reply sternly, “here...”

I point to the door on our left, my hands shaking.

“You ready?” Alex asks, holding the door’s handle.

“No,” I yelp, “I have to do it anyway...”

“Should I?”

“Open the door.”

Alex complies. It’s too dark to tell if there’s someone inside the dorm, I step in, with the boy following suit, too scared to talk. I pull out my phone and turn on the flashlight.

“...Katie?”

Something moves under the covers of the bed. We jump back and the light trembles thanks to my own nerves. I decide to reach for the bed.

“Y/N...” Alex whispers beside me, “I don’t feel good about this.”

“Shh!” I look back at him, annoyed, “Maybe she’s hurt!”

I grab the covers tightly. For the first time in ten years, I want Alex to be wrong.

“It’s me, Vinchi,” I whisper at the figure, “Katie..?”

There’s a loud screech, then all I can see it’s a bloody face over mine with a set of familiar brown eyes. Katie scratches my arms and face, she pushes my head up so my neck is exposed and bites me. Hard. I scream and twitch under her, crying in pain. Then I hear a loud thud and her body slams against the bed’s frame.

I straighten up and put a hand over the bite, she didn’t get to tear off skin, but there’s plenty of blood and it’ll leave a scar. Katie is standing up again when Alex helps me to get on my feet.

“She’s gone, Y/N,” He tells me, but I can’t bring myself to believe him.

“No, not her. She’s young,” I insist, fighting to get out of his grip, “she’s just scared!”

“Look at what she did to you! She’s dangerous Y/N, we have to leave!”

“I can’t leave her!” I scream, “She’s my sister, I can’t leave her like this!”

“We can’t take her with us, she’s a Ghoulie!”

Katie attack us again, but this time I kick her before she gets to touch us. She crashes against the desk and the chair falls beside her. Katie’s on her knees when I jump into action and grab the chair, lifting it up and hitting her head with all my strenght.

“Fuck!” I tear up, “Why you?!”

I hit her at least twelve times. I was crying the whole time, the bite in my neck was pulsating and my hands felt stiff and soar from holding onto the chair like my life depended on it. I was angry and devastated, I just wanted all to be over soon.

I couldn’t recognize her face afterwards. I thought that was good, cause then it wasn’t her. Unfortunately, my brain didn’t have the same opinion. I do know that was my sister. I can’t forget.

------------------------------------------

“Although I did forget her last words,” I tell Josh, “actually, I think she turned into a Ghoulie in her sleep and I don’t know if that’s the reason why she wasn’t talking but I hope so, cause I don’t remember if she say something before I killed her.”

“Shit,” The soup is probably cold by now, but he’s not really paying attention to what he’s eating, “Do you really have... uh, you know, where she bit you?”

I pull the collar of my shirt to reveal the scar.

“I’m not self-conscious about it,” I say before he even asks, “if anything, this is sort of like the last thing I have left from my sister.”

“That’s a pretty dark thought,” He replies with worry.

“Is it?” I tilt my head, “yeah, I think you’re right.”

“You must’ve bled a lot... How did you get out?”

“I wasn’t alone, remember?” I let go of my shirt so my scar is covered again, “Alex was there”

------------------------------------------

“We need to get somewhere safe so I can help you with the bite,” Alex rasps as he pushes a Ghoulie down the main stairs.

“The blood will attract them, Al. You have to leave me.”

“No.”

He grabs my arm tightly and practically drags me outside the building towards our car. It’s surrounded by Ghoulies but he pulls out his gun and shots as many as he can reach on his first try. 

Alex didn’t know how to use a gun before the nuke, he learned fast cause the circumstances were asking for it. He quickly became accostumed and I made sure to always have enough bullets in case of an emergency.

“We need to leave now!”

I get inside the car, holding tightly my wound. Alex drives back to town as fast as he can, none of us has said a word, Katie’s body still present in our minds.

“There’s bandages on the back seat.”

“I know,” I reply without moving, “I told you to leave me behind.”

“You’re my best friend, I can’t do that”

“What if I turn into a Ghoulie?”

“We saw how Phillip got bitten and he was okay afterwards.”

Alex stops near Glendale when he offers a new plan.

“What if we don’t come back?”

“What?”

“Let’s get out of here,” Alex turns on his seat to look at me, “we have nothing but crappy memories of this place, we could make a whole new life outside... together”

I stay silent for what it feels like ages, my friend waits uneasy. 

“Y/N?”

“That’s a bad idea,” I open the door and get out.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m getting my stuff,” I open the back door and grab my two bags, “I’m leaving”

“Where?”

“Home.”

“You wanna go back?” Now he’s also out of the car, “To Glendale? The shittiest town you could live in right now?”

“I’m pretty sure that’s not the shittiest”

“You know what I mean,” Alex grabs my wrist softly, but it’s enough to further my annoyance, “we could travel, never settle down in one place... and there’s literally no adults to tell us we can’t”

“That’s all you can think of?” I ask in rage, “our parents where also part of the adults, our families just died. I- for fucks sake, Alex, I just had to kill my sister!”

“I know that!” He replies in the same tone, “I was there! Both times! And both times I got you out of trouble!”

“Jesus, thank you so much for shooting my dad in the face, Alex. I don’t know why I never thanked you for that.”

“That wasn’t your father anymore,” He lets go of me, “ Why are you so upset about it, I saved your life!” 

“Because they were my fucking parents!” I drop the bags on the floor, “It’s not my fault if you don’t care about how yours are probably eating european kids right now, is not my fault that your parents left you alone even before the explosion!”

I see how his expression changes and I don’t deserve to feel sad cause I did that on purpose, I couldn’t stay with him after what I had done. To me, that whole experience had taught one thing: Staying with someone would only increase the posibilities of dying or killing against my will. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to do that a second time. Besides, nothing felt right anymore, I wasn’t the same, my life wasn’t the same, I didn’t want to get hurt or to accidentally hurt someone innocent. I had to remain alone.

We had ran out of chances. We simply weren’t a good team anymore. Forcing ourselves to work it out cause we didn’t have anyone else was cruel and unfair to both of us, it would only slow us down.

“You know what?” Alex steps back, his eyes colder than ever, “You’re right. I don’t have to waste my time trying to convince a coward.”

Two could play the same game, I thought as my heart stung at his words, I deserve what he’s telling me. I am scared, I am a running away. I’m a coward.

“Leave me alone,” I reply, picking up my things and walking away.

“Have a good life, Y/N.” 

You’d think that when someone means something to you for a long period of time the goodbye has to be something epic. Their last words won’t be dull and you’ll get to hug them one last time. 

It didn’t happen at all. I walked back to Glendale while he drive away and that was it. I was permanently broken, staying with him would’ve been a constant reminder of how nothing would ever work out the way I wanted. 

So I just let him go. 

------------------------------------------

“And back in Glendale where I had no one,” I exhale, now both of us laying on the floor, “I had one place to stay. I knew the jocks had taken over the school so I got in without being noticed. Mona Lisa never questioned how did I get there but since I never caused her problems she let me stay and used me as some sort of janitor.”

“And you let her treat you like that?”

“She didn’t mistreat me,” I frown, “I guess she couldn’t care less about me. There were bigger targets to fry. That’s when they started to kill kids.”

“And you decided to live on your own,” Josh states. 

“My parent’s house was still in one piece and although their bodies were there, it was easier to just drag them out than to look somewhere else to live,” I add, “it was hard at first, but once I got the hang of it I never thought about going back with the Jocks or with my old friends.”

“And why did you leave that place?” 

“It got destroyed. The mutant dog, a giant...”

“A giant pug,” He finishes at the same time.

I turn my head, staring intently.

“The pug attacked you too?” I smile.

“I had this dope mansion at the other side of town,” He replies with nostalgia, “it was great. I went back one night and found the pug in the garage. It wasn’t safe anymore, so I couldn’t stay.”

“Stupid pug,” I shake my head, “we should go out one day and hunt it.” 

“My dad showed me how to hunt, you know?” Josh mentions, “all the survival things I know...”

“Is he..?”

“Yeah. It happened before the nuke,” He turns his head to me, “the same day, just hours before the explosion.”

“Really?”

“Shitty, right?”

“Life tends to be like that,” I feel the back of his hand against mine. I fight the need to inch closer, “we learn from it, I guess”

“What could we learn from something like that?” He frowns, “that no matter what we do, people we love is always going to die?”

“They way I see it, it’s all for a reason,” I reply calmly, “if my sister hadn’t turned into a Ghoulie, right now I’d be traveling around the country with Alex and her. You and I wouldn’t have run into each other, and maybe you would’ve died after cutting your finger. That would’ve sucked, right?”

“I... guess. Yeah,” He stares at me intently, “that would have sucked.”

I feel a familiar warmth creeping up my chest and I try to push it down.

“Or maybe not,” I squeak, “maybe we’re just randomly running around like headless chickens and I’m bullshitting you just to make you feel better and-”

He pushes a strand of hair away from my face and I freeze.

“You ramble a lot,” Josh smirks, “either way, it kind of worked. I think.”

“You think?” I ask, “you’re easy to cheer up”

“Or I just really like talking to you” He jokingly offers.

“Who wouldn’t? According to you, I’m the coolest loser in town,” Josh snorts at my comeback.

“You definitely are a loser,” the boy agrees. 

Before I can help it, his hand is holding mine, he gives it a light squeeze.

“You should stop being so caring, though,” He continues, “I’m running out of ways to thank you”

“I’m curious to find out how creative you can get, to be honest,” I grin, “you’ll have to start giving me offerings”

“What, you’re naming yourself the goddess of the mall now?”

“Bitch, I might,” I straighten up, still holding his hand, “I think I would do a great job as a deity.”

“Hey, losers-” Angelica stops talking when she sees us laying on the ground, “Oh, come on. Wesley! Josh’s depression got to Y/N and now both of them are moping!”

“I’m not moping,” I counter, standing up and letting go of the boy’s hand, “we were just talking. And I was about to leave, anyway.”

“You were?” Josh asks, sitting up hastily, “Now?”

I stare at him in confusion for his outburst, until I realize he thinks I’m talking about leaving the mall for good.

“Not the mall,” I correct nervously, “I’m not leaving. I mean, at least not right now. I’m just leaving this hall.”

“Oh,” His shoulders relax, “when are you leaving the mall, then?”

“Yeah, Y/N?” Angelica smiles knowingly, “When?”

“Undecided,” I glare at the young girl, “I figured this place isn’t so bad after all and you guys need me. I’m safe. It’s better if I don’t go.”

“That’s cool!” Josh smiles, “I’ll get you a notebook...”

I laugh, starting to walk away with Angelica.

“Whatever you want, Wheeler.”

As I’m walking, I feel Angelica’s stare burning holes in me.

“What now?” I sigh, stopping in front of her.

“Nothing,” She shrugs, “I was thinking”

“You do that all the time,” I cross my arms, “Is this about your crazy idea of forming a new tribe? Cause you can forget it, I’m not staying for that long.”

“You and Josh...” She mentions innocently.

“Me and Josh, what?” I ask harshly.

“You seem to be getting along.”

“We’re the only ones in this mall that never got on our nerves, you mean,” I reply sarcastically, “don’t even try to talk me into your crazy plans.”

“I’m just saying,” She gives me her best, innocent smile, “he was in a better mood! It’s clear that you have chemistry...”

“You just found Sam’s body,” I reply in a hurried whisper, “Josh is grieving and I’m only trying to help him cope. You’re out of your mind if you think this means I’ll try to get in his pants.”

I turn around to leave, Angelica surely is frustrated cause I decided to not listen to her insinuations. Josh and I are not a thing. Simply cause I say so.

Nighttime is upon us and I’m on the second floor killing time, going left to right on my new pair of skates to loosen them up so I feel comfortable in them. I have earphones on and the music distracts me from the annoying silence that falls on this place when no one is up. Or when I think no one is up. 

Soon enough, I’m proved wrong by Josh. He walks straight into my practice and all I can do is lessen my speed before I crash against him.

“Shit!” He catches me with his injured hand and holds to the railing with the other.

We end up in this ‘prince-charming-catches-the-damsel-before-hitting-the-ground’ position that is more embarrassing than romantic. I try to stand up on my own but the wheels keep making me trip and Josh holds my waist firmly, pulling me up and helping me stay still.

Seriously? 

How many times are we gonna fall into each other’s arms like it’s a soap opera?

Josh says something but I signaled him to stop and I take my earphones off.

“Uhm, thanks for catching me. Sorry for almost killing you this time. What were you saying?”

“I said that you need to start watching where you’re going,” He snickers.

“Rude,” I scoff, “but really, you needed something?”

“Oh, I-uh...” He plays with his bandages, lost in thought. I want to stop him cause it could ruin them, "The things you told me today... I know it's hard to talk about it. I appreciate that you trust me and I... I keep thinking about this thing, and I wanted to ask you something about Alex"

“Oh,” Oh. Do I give myself away that easily? “What about him?”

“You had a thing with him, right?” Fuck. Give me a break, won’t you?

“I, uh-I mean, I never really...” I ramble, then I notice that he’s holding back a shy laugh and I just shake my head miserably, “it’s a long story”

"Well, I don’t get it,” He sits on the bench next to us and pulls me with him so I sit with him, “Why didn’t you say yes? He offered you a new life to do whatever you wanted, Why not going?”

“Cause I didn’t want a new life. I wanted the old one,” I shrug, “after the nuke I understood that no amount of freedom would ever give me the peace that being on my own could give me. It was better. That way I don’t exist for the rest of the world.”

“Sorry for ruin your plan,” He passes a hand through his hair in an anxious manner, “I didn’t know...”

“Exactly, you didn’t. So don’t apologize for something you didn’t do on purpose”

We stay silent for a second, then Josh speaks up again, this time with a shy demeanor.

“You exist for me now,” He replies in all honesty, his eyes have a strange gloom on them, “and even if you leave, you’ll exist in my head. I don’t think I’ll be able to forget about you this time. You're the girl that saved my life after all.”

That is the sweetest thing someone’s said to me in a long time and I can’t believe it had to be Josh Wheeler the one saying it. How dare he?

“I only wanted you to know that you’re not alone, so I told you my story. Sorry if it made you uncomfortable or...” I start to apologize, but he quickly interrupts me.

“It didn’t. Things didn’t go as planned but you’re right. I think they’re going to get better... eventually, I hope.”

“If you ever want to talk about your dad... you don’t have to,” I nudge him gently, “but if you ever want to talk about him or someone else, I’m here. I’m with you.”

“I know,” Josh smiles softly, “I’m with you too. And I’m glad I crashed into you in that alley,” He jokes.

I don’t know what to answer back. Am I happy or am I resentful because he dragged me into this madness? Was my life going as good as I’m trying to picture it? I honestly don’t know.

All I know is that I like being friends with Josh Wheeler and he’s glad he met me. Nothing else. No romantic feelings at all from any side. Just as it should be.

Taglist.

@letsbloodmagic @hollywaterpls

[writehardwhumpharder]

Suits fic.

So this ended up pretty long, I got a little carried away. I’m not even sure if tumblr will let me post it. I hope you guys like suits as much as I do. Prompt: Okay can I see, like, early Mike just started working at the firm and he's trying to keep up with Harvey's almost non-stop schedule and ends up sick but tries to keep going? Cue "annoyed" (but actually worried) Harvey?

Mike eyed himself in the mirror subconsciously wearing his too-cheap suit, and too-skinny tie. His first couple days had gone well enough, but now he knew what was expected of him and boy was he out of his depth. Sure he could recite the Harvard law book by memory, but that didn’t help much with all the little nuanced details each draft needed. He slipped his files into his bag and slung it over his shoulder then grabbed his bike to lug down the stairs over his head.

By the time he reached the Pearson Hardman building his heart was racing, and not from the 3 miles he just biked through traffic. What the actual hell did I get myself into? he wondered. Mike had made sure to get to the office 40 minutes early in hopes that he’d have time to review the files Louis requested to be done by this morning, but when he got to the office every other associate was already at their cubicles. Only the senior partners weren’t there yet and even they got there a fashionable 15 minutes early. Mike had hardly sat down when Donna came bustling past the cubicles.

“Harvey wants these by lunch but if you’re pressed for time, do this one first. He needs it for a client meeting at 1:15pm which you should attend by the way.” She was gone before he could say good morning. She winked at him as she walked away, making him feel a little better about the cut and dry work of a major law firm. Thank god Louis had taken one good look at him and deemed him capable of only the simplest of cases. He meant it as an insult but on a day like this, he took it with a genuine smile. Before getting buried in his work, Mike opted to take a quick trip to the coffee machine, knowing that for the next few hours he’d be glued to his work station.

The morning went by quickly but Mike managed to finish the file Harvey needed and the easy cases Louis gave him. Despite a few things he had to do for Harvey, he was pretty proud of what he’d been able to finish. It was 1pm the next time Mike looked up from his work, almost time to go meet Harvey. Reading the small print for hours on end was starting to make his eyes sore so Mike was grateful for a short break from it, even if it is just to talk to a client. Mike rubbed his eyes as he crossed the room holding the stack of papers he had prepared. Harvey emerged from his office and wasted no time flipping through the papers.

“Um, good morning. Or afternoon…” Mike mumbled.

“Yeah okay, these are fine but they could be a little cleaner.” Harvey commented, clearly distracted. Mike felt his shoulders sag in mild defeat. For his first week of work “fine” was pretty damn good, but he couldn’t help but feel like he was slaving over files only to stay invisible. Harvey looked up long enough to read his associate’s face. “You know you’re doing really well competing against a bunch of people who actually went to law school.” Harvey teased in a low voice so no one might overhear them. Mike trailed after him towards the conference room already rehearsing in his head what he would say to the client if he had to speak.

Turns out he didn’t. Harvey introduced them both and Mike shook the man’s hand but apart from that he was mostly there to observe and supply information. Mike would hand Harvey a paper with the most important details highlighted every so often as they discussed legal concerns over a faulty product.

“Don’t worry Dave, we’ll stay on top of this. We’ll find a way to cover this long before anyone can file against your company. It’s not my area of expertise but I would suggest issuing a press release with this information as soon as possible.” Harvey said, handing the man a summary of what their plan was in simpler terms. Mike flexed his aching fingers under the table, trying to rub away hours or rather days of hard work. As much of a relief as it was to be able to sit for 30 mins and do next to nothing, he caught himself glancing at his watch multiple times, anxious about every second he didn’t spend working.

After the meeting, Mike dropped off Louis’s files and got to work on the other things Harvey had left him. These would take some research, great, off to the file room it is then. He gathered his things and sat on the floor, scanning through bins of information. If his eyes didn’t hurt before they certainly did now. Words were starting to blur together and he kept sagging more and more out of tiredness until he was basically laying on the ground, propped up on his elbows just enough to be able to read the paper.

—-

At first he wasn’t sure what woke him, a sharp knock, maybe someone was calling his name? He blinked slowly and looked up to see Rachel staring down at him disapprovingly.

“Odd time for a nap don’t you think?” she said.

“Oh my god, Rachel, what time is it?” Mike asked suddenly alert.

“Almost 4pm.”

“Shit, shit, shit. Harvey wants these by the end of the day.” Mike stammered combing through the files to see just how much trouble he was in. If Harvey stayed late today he had a chance of finishing them but he probably had more work for him to do by now anyway. Rachel gave him a sympathetic look.

“Fine,” she huffed, “I’ll help you.” Mike grouped up the documents for her, pairing the papers he was going to use to prove precedent to the sloppy drafts he’d started. Luckily for him she didn’t comment on how bad they were and got to work on rewriting them entirely. Having her there was a welcome distraction to how run down he was. He crossed his fingers hoping that these hellish past few days were some kind of trial by fire and things would settle down soon.

“Okay, these two are done. But that’s all I can help with. You better hurry if you want to catch Harvey on his way out.”

“Mhmm.” Mike responded without looking up, “thank you for the help.” Rachel paused by the door.

“Don’t get used to it.” She said in a tone that was both serious and lighthearted. When Mike finished a few minutes later and leapt to his feet to go find Harvey, he found that both his legs had fallen asleep and fell rather ungracefully back down to the floor. He banged his elbow on the shelf on his way down.

“God damn it.” Mike cursed to himself before trying again, much more successful this time. Harvey’s office was empty but it was just past 5pm so with any luck he’d still be in the lobby. Mike took the stairs for lack of time and scrambled down each floor to the building’s main lobby. Despite going downhill the trip sapped up a surprising amount of energy and he was left panting, one hand leaning on the wall before exiting the stairwell.

Yes! Harvey was still here, he probably only stopped to flirt with the receptionist.

“Ha- Harvey.” he said still a little out of breath, “I’ve got those files you wanted.” Mike said. Harvey took them and shoved them in his briefcase, only to pull out an equally large stack for him.

“Thanks Mike, I was going to give these to you earlier but Donna said you weren’t at your cubicle. I need these by 9am at the latest. And do get some sleep Mike, you look like shit, and we have court tomorrow.” Harvey replied. Mike had completely forgotten about their hearing tomorrow. He ran a hand through his messed up hair and straightened his tie in an attempt to look more professional.

“Sure, Harvey, no problem.”

“That’s what I like to hear.” Harvey said before taking off, leaving Mike standing stupidly by the receptionist’s desk. He offered the girl a sheepish smile before heading back up to the office to grab his things in addition to the new assignments Harvey just gave him, this time taking the elevator.

—-

When Mike’s alarm dragged him out of a restless sleep he felt.. bad. Not in any particular way, just bad. And he had a feeling this was the kind of tired coffee couldn’t fix. He’d been up all night, getting only about 2 hours of sleep, which on second thought was more like a glorified nap. After a few more minutes of sulking Mike dragged himself out of bed, hoping a cold shower could perk him up. He grabbed a dull, dark grey suit from his closet and a crisp white shirt, he had to be in court later so now wasn’t the time to be taking fashion risks. He picked up the navy blue tie his grandma got for him when she heard about his fancy new job. The thought put him a little more at ease despite the worsening headache he had. Mike took one glance at his bike on his way out before deciding to just take a taxi. He’d probably puke his guts out trying to bike to work when he felt so crappy.

Mike threw a $20 at the taxi driver before jogging up to the building, he hadn’t planned for the extra time he’d spent stuck in traffic so now he was borderline late. It was clear Harvey was in no mood to deal with his associates lateness. He tried to go easy on the kid but with his schedule, lightening his workload just wasn’t an option. Jessica was already skeptical of his choice so when Mike showed up to his office looking pale and sweaty he had his lecture already planned out, for appearances at the very least.

“Shut the door, Mike.” Harvey said in a clipped voice. “Want to tell me why you’re 15 minutes late and look like you just ran a marathon?” Mike adjusted his tie subconsciously.

“I rode my bike, it’s pretty warm out today.” Mike lied. Harvey was tempted to make a remark about how if he can’t afford a taxi maybe he doesn’t belong here but he knew better. Mike didn’t belong there, and that’s exactly why he chose him.

“Sorry Harvey, I’ve been working really hard to finish these and it’s still before 9am, I- I hope that’s okay.” Mike said. Harvey sighed visibly, looking reminiscent of a disappointed father.

“It’s fine, Mike. Just plan better next time. Be back here in twenty minutes, Ray will drive us to the courthouse and for the love of god, do something to make yourself presentable.”

Mike took that as his cue to leave. At first he headed towards his cubicle but a sinking feeling in his stomach had him walking towards the bathrooms instead. He almost felt hungover, the ache spreading through his body from lack of sleep gave him the distinct feeling of being poisoned. Mike barely managed to keep his composure until he got to the men’s room where he ran the last few feet and collapsed on his knees in front of the toilet. He dry-heaved for a moment, using his brief second of relief to lock the stall door behind him. This time he actually brought up the small bit of breakfast he had. It’s just nerves right? Mike rationalized to himself. He just had to get it together. He didn’t want Harvey to regret hiring him, after all he did try to fire him once already.

As soon as Mike was confident that he was done, he exited the stall and made for the mirror to “make himself presentable” per Harvey’s request. Though Mike had to agree with him, his skin was a dull almost greyish color, which his glistening layer of sweat only helped make more visible. His cheeks were flushed a sickly pink. There wasn’t much he could do besides take a few deep breaths and splash some cold water in his face.

When he met back up with Harvey, he looked and felt worse than he did when he came in.

“Mike I thought I told you to do something about-“ he made a vague gesture to Mike, “that.” Harvey scolded, though Mike thought he detected the slightest hint of concern.

“I did…” Mike said, lacking the energy to make a better argument for himself.

“You know that? Why don’t you sit this one out. It’s not that important, I’m sure there’s plenty of stuff for you to do here.” Harvey said. This was his chance to back out, but Mike was too stubborn to quit just like that.

“No, I’m fine. I want to go, really,” he insisted. Harvey gave him a disbelieving look but he didn’t have time to argue with the kid.

“Fine, let’s go. Ray is waiting outside.” Harvey grabbed his briefcase and walked ahead, leaving Mike to try to keep up with him. He couldn’t help but notice the way his associate leaned heavily against the elevator wall, lacking the youthful energy he always had. He should have his earbuds in right now, listening to some ridiculous playlist to psych himself up. The doors opened before he had a chance to comment on it.

Mike felt truly awful at this point. He was starting to doubt whether or not he’d make it through the hearing. As long as he could stay sitting, everything would be fine. He all but fell into the seat next to Harvey and lazily reached up to grab his seatbelt. Harvey saw his minor struggle and opted to just grab the seatbelt and click it for him.

“Get it together, Mike. I’m serious. ‘Cause if you can’t, I’ll have Ray drop you off at home.” Harvey said.

“No!” Mike whined, “I’ve got it.” he said. They continued the rest of the ride in silence, luckily the courthouse wasn’t very far away.

Harvey strode into the courtroom with his usual confidence and grace. Mike on the other hand stumbled a bit, gripping the edges of the rows of chairs to steady himself. No turning back now. It was a simple case, all they were doing was filing a motion to allow them access to a rival companies records, but you could hardly call any case of Harvey’s simple. He was representing some of the wealthiest businessmen in New York. They quickly took their seats and waited for the judge. Mike could practically feel the sweat seeping through his shirt, he was uncomfortably hot now and the nausea was coming back despite his stomach being completely empty from earlier. He stared down at the desk in front of him and tried to focus on breathing.

“Are you okay?” Harvey asked, no longer trying to hide his concern. Mike just nodded in response, not trusting himself to open his mouth. He started shaking his leg impatiently until Harvey told him to knock it off.

“All rise.” A woman said as the judge entered. Mike forced himself to stand but he kept his hands firmly planted on the table. Harvey walked up to the stand and started talking. Okay Mike, just relax, everything is gonna fine, you’re- oh god. The dizziness was pressing in on him from all directions and his vision started to tunnel. He looked up to watch Harvey, though he couldn’t hear much of anything. He pressed a hand to his stomach and closed his eyes as the dizziness and fatigue made his stomach churn. He was pretty sure he was dangerously dehydrated at this point as well since he’s been running on coffee the last few days. Without Harvey next to him to stop him, he started tapping his foot again and used his other hand to rest his head. Mike knew how he must look but nothing could distract him from of primary goal of not throwing up right there in the middle of the courtroom. Harvey kept looking back to him anxiously but couldn’t disrespect the judge by interrupting him to go check on Mike. Turns out, he didn’t have to. Mike swayed slightly in his chair, his head was too foggy to know up from down and before he knew it he was sliding towards the floor, helpless to stop it.

Harvey heard a thud and whipped his head around to see Mike in the floor, struggling to get on his knees.

“Mike!” he called out to him. He knew he should have sent him home, but Mike was trying so hard to impress him he worked himself to his absolute breaking point. “What’s going on?” He asked, trying to sound calm as he moved the chairs out of the way so he could get to him.

“I- I’m fine.” Mike muttered weakly.

“You’re a terrible liar.” Harvey said as he grabbed Mike and hauled him to his feet. “Come on, let’s get you out of here.”

“But… but the case.”

“Already taken care of.” Harvey said. Which turned out to be true when the judge’s assistant ran up to them with the signed documents on their way out.

“Feel better.” she smiled. If Mike wasn’t so out of it he would be absolutely mortified right now. The last thing he remembered before drifting to sleep was Harvey helping him up the stairs to his apartment, taking off his jacket and shoes before letting Mike sleep this off. Despite how terribly the day had gone, Harvey knew he made the right choice.

[stareiiez]

It's Too Damn Hot For This

Red Team x Reader

Heyyy, look at that! I finally posted, miracles do come true! I really plan to keep on updating my blog and clear out my draft folder, because yikes there’s a lot.So look forward to some, hopefully, well-written RVB reader inserts.  

 Anyone that experienced summer knew the rising temperatures, people sunbathing long enough to look like they were made out of leather. Others would go out to vacation in other tropical places of the world to frolic on white sandy beaches and eat exotic foods. It was paradise for people that lasted for 2 or 3 months, only to return to the busy lives of everyday life. If only that were the case for you and your team of soldiers that were stuck in some godforsaken canyon in the middle of nowhere. The various shades of red colored armor didn’t help you with the heat problem either. It only made you feel like your body was thrown into a thousand degree oven that was set for twenty-four hours. What was worse was the little fans built inside the helmets short-circuited when you first experienced the hot temperature the first year you arrived in Blood Gulch. You thought that in a year or more your happy red ass would get shipped out, and then go back to living in an air-conditioned lifestyle.

Now cut to four years later, and the blistering heat had still affected you no matter what. Sprawled in red base’s tattered living room with Grif and Simmons, with the shittiest fan blowing luke warm air on the three of you, it was absolute hell. Your head rested on Grif’s lap and your legs were laying upon Simmon’s, while the two men were sitting on the old couch, a mere groan had threatened to escape your mouth. Thier overwhelming body heat, along with the stifling temperature was sure enough to melt your skin off your body. Although the thought of rolling yourself right off and upon the cool steel flooring seemed optional, comfort played a valid role in keeping you right where you were. The red team’s armor of you three was thrown haphazardly around the room as if you couldn’t wait any longer to shed yourself of the scalding hot metal weighing you down.

The only person that the summertime atmosphere could not bother, was Sarge. Not even thirty elephants that lined up just to run him over, could not stop the gruff man from leading his team to defeat the Blues. His voice had been going non-stop to Lopez, for a few hours about his “no good army that cowered under a little sunshine.” or how he “would show you what hell on earth really was when his foot goes into your ass.” Not only was it repetitive and growing only louder by the minute, but his rambling was annoying as hell. Even though you loved Sarge and respected him, there were points in time where he really wanted to make you rip your eyes out.It was as if the colonel knew this, and was standing at the base of his door loudly complaining to a Mexican robot who ignored everything instead; only for Lopez to repeat ‘kill me’ over and over again.

Not to mention the annoying men you were sprawled upon. Grif didn’t seem to miss an opportunity to complain or whine about anything in his life and now that it was hot, this weather gave him a big chance to complain all he wanted to. Whether he was complaining about Sarge’s drawing words about his ‘worthless’ soldiers or to the never cool air blasting on his body, the orange-clad trooper never shuts up. Simmons was not so much help either. With his head lazily thrown back on the cushion of the couch, his hands had pulled at his shirt frantically back and forth as if to give himself a minor cool down.

 “This is bullshit! Are we that worthless that command can’t give us a decent air conditioner?” Grif suddenly burst out, as his hand soon shoved your upper half of your body off his lap without warning. The ever-annoying ring of childish whining laced into his complaint once more.

With a disgruntled yelp, your head almost clashed with the floor if Simmon’s hand had not shot out to grasp at your shirt and yank you back upon the couch, and all while not even moving from his place on the couch. He wordlessly cast a glare upon Grif’s stance as he pushed himself to his feet, with a scowl of his own painted upon his features.Your hand had shoved Simmon’s sweaty, pale hand from your damp shirt riddled with faded red letters on the front.

What also didn’t help you all cool down was the warm air pouring out of the base’s kitchen, with Donut whipping up any food the fridge held. That was the one thing that Grif did not whine about. Not a big shocker there.</p>

 “Grif, shut the fuck up. We are all hot and pissed, go into the kitchen and bother Donut.” Simmons finally snapped as his head raised to hold his now weak glare up at his teammate. 

You could only shake your head at your teammates before pushing yourself up from the ratty-ass couch and up to your feet. With the lower half of your armor still clinging to your sweaty form, you ran a hand through damp (h/c) hair. It was too hot to listen to your team go on and on about the most idiotic things for a while now. Sarge with his training, Lopez with his 3 worded response on repeat, and Grif with his never-ending whining you were sure to go out of your mind.

“That’s it.” You snapped harshly. Venom laced in your two words while you stomped into the kitchen.

Your gauntlet covered feet nearly shaking the floor as you made way to the kitchen. Although it didn’t look much like a ‘homey’ kitchen it still that the amenities to keep the red team alive and its food cool or hot. Donut hadn’t even heard your pissed steps, while he hummed a song under his breath and swayed his slim hips back and forth. Week old ’ meat’ and squishy vegetables had laid next to has he worked over a pot that bowled over a blue flame. You quickly opened and slammed steel cabinets until you found what you were looking for. A large spoon and an equally large bowl. Flinging the steel freezer door open in the fridge, the tiny icicles of permafrost slung from its grip on the freezer walls. Grumbling under your breath you started to scoop the freezing cold crystals of frozen water into your bowl. Steel turned glacier cold and left your finger imprints on the surface while you nearly cleaned out the freezer. You were almost shocked how your burning skin hadn’t melted to the bite of the now below temperature bowl.

With the object full you slammed the door closed and jogged into the living room. Hell if you started walking back, then for sure Grif or Simmons would peek their nosy asses in the doorway of the kitchen to see what was causing all the noise. Somehow you hoped both boys were still whining or trying not to melt into the upholstery of the couch. Maybe miracles worked or not because Grif and Simmons were almost panting like dogs everytime a blast of warm air from the crappy fan hit them.

“Alright, you whiny ass babies. Time to shut the hell up and freeze.” You yelled loudly and held the steel bowl over your head. Fingers turned a numbingly red color as your voice caught both boys attention.

Pairs of brown and hazel eyes looked up at you, with a mix of confusion and utter alarm. You must have had a dark smirk on your face or the sudden put burst caught them off guard because the two men scrambled up on the couch. Grif’s mouth had started to open as if to ask a question about your sudden mood change or what you were doing before a sudden yell escaped him instead. Cold nasty tasting ice chunks hit his open mouth as well as his sweaty body. 

Mouth agape from the sudden onslaught of cold, the orange soldier blinked rapidly just as Simmons cried out in shock, although his voice cracked enough to nearly shatter glass.

“Y/N!!” Grif yelled as he jumped to his feet, his hands were frantically trying to brush off the melting ice and spit out the freezer ice crystals, that were now freezer flavored water, from his mouth.

The ginger-haired soldier, on the other hand, felt like his heart stopped beating. The cold had blinded him since it covered his glasses.

“What the hell!?” Simmons’ voice squeaked out while his pale freckled cheeks flushed from the biting cold of the ice.Although this shocked voice was slowly drowned out by peals of laughter, or chuckles that caused your body to shake. 

Your fingers let go of the now empty bowl and wrapped your arms around your stomach. The sight of the ‘intergalactic super soldier heroes’ were now soaked to the bone and quite frankly shocked. It was too damn hot for the constant whining and the never-ending same of mantra Sarge repeated to himself outside in the sweltering heat. It was however not too damn hot to find a better way to cool some of your fellow red soldiers off and keep their mouths shut, yet with the now dark look in their eyes that slowly overtook their once shocked expressions, it may be different for you.

“Get ‘em.” Grif muttered before all three of you started up a long chase that ended up in a more messy base. 

Deafening shouts of Grif, Simmons, and now Donut who was caught up in the act of chasing you down for disturbing his cooking. When in reality he was chasing because Grif let out something along the lines of ‘beating your ass’ when he catches you. Maybe it was too hot to do a lot of things distracting your teammates from the heat in order to chase you was all worth it in the end.

[izzy-b-hands]

On mobile so I can't put a read more, but I'm going to try and tag well--I need to vent. ----------- So today has been the worst day dealing with my mom in awhile. Like we've been in an okay patch where she hasn't been giving so many mixed messages and orders, but that came roaring back today for some reason. It starts out crappy because we head to my tattoo appointment, but my artist was sick and had to reschedule (though please note I'm not mad at him in any way, I'm glad he was going home rather than suffering sick thru work, because I know how much that sucks no matter what your job is. It just made me sad that I wasn't getting tattooed today and those appointments are like spa days for me.) Before we left for the shop though, she was super pissy and generally making me not want her there at the appointment because I didn't want her bugging my artist or being fussy at having to wait for my appointment to be over (which she's done at past tattoo appointments that I did offer to go to alone by getting a cab or taking the bus.) Anyway, after the tattoo shop we decide to go run a quick shopping trip, and our interactions go down hill. We're both struggling financially right now, but I've been buying a lot for the both of us the past week. But she asks me to get this trip, so I say yes because it won't do any good to say no. Then we get there and she's grabbing extra stuff not on our list, half assedly asking if it's okay even when the thing is in the cart and we're eight aisles away already--like, I'm not gonna argue and say no at that point, cause she'd just get pissy. The store was busy too, so we were both starting to get upset in general. Now, I will note that my fragile emotional state today wasn't all due to her. The whole 'you're still stuck at a shitty job in ND and haven't totally gotten your writing off the ground' thing has been hitting hard for a couple weeks, but especially today. But I wasn't complaining or bugging her with it, I was just trying to ignore those feelings. At the end of it she's rude to the teen cashier, (she knows that behavior is something I don't tolerate), but we get to the car. I offer to buy lunch out from a place we both like because at that point I was more treating myself than her. Like, I'm on the verge of emotionally overwhelmed tears in the car from the day and stuff building up for weeks and she's just hopping cause she gets her fav food. I was literally crying (quietly though) as we left the parking lot and she keeps going on about what sandwich she's getting. At first I thought she didn't notice, but then she looks over and goes "Oh," and that's it. So she noticed, and normally would at least be like, "hey, you're crying, is everything okay?" Not at that moment. In the drive through I started crying more, because I honestly couldn't help it (that hasn't stopped either, I'm on like my tenth cry of the day right now) and then she finally showed concern. I couldn't tell her anything she had done to cause it (in the past that's earned me shouting and 'ungrateful brat' kind of comments that she swears later she didn't mean) but I did explain the wanting to move and earn my primary income from my art frustrations though, and she surprised me by being kind and supportive. I thought we were okay then and the day would be okay. Wrong. We eat, she decides to nap cause she was getting a headache, I decide to play GTA V for an hour or two. The cat wakes her up in about that time (I tried to get Nish to let my mom sleep, but she wanted both her humans awake and wouldn't take any food or toys I offered.) Mom's mood is wildly different then. She's angry. She complains about clothes being ready to hang in the washer (I didn't see or hear her put them in, or I would have taken care of them) and goes to do that. I follow, and try to fix things by taking the basket and offering to help. As soon as we get in to the room we hang the clothes in to dry, she's even angrier. First I'm taking the dry clothes down too slowly, then too quickly when I hang up wet ones in their place. Then I'm hanging the clothes wrong on the hanger. I tried for a bit to make it work, but she was ripping clothes out of my hand, tossing the laundry basket around, and pushing empty hangers to the floor in the same way an angry toddler would. So I get her the extra hangers from my room, hang up my dry clothes in my closet, and go back to my laptop in the living room, and turn it all off. That was the breaking point for me--I knew she'd be pissed at me next for playing a game (that's the usual cycle of these situations no matter what I'm doing--if I'm just sitting there doing nothing then I'm still doing something wrong) so I closed it down. Here comes the mixed messages. She asks when she goes back to the couch, suddenly really quietly, why I'm packing my stuff up. I tell her I have a headache and want to be in my room (partially true, though it isn't a bad enough headache that I'd go lie down) she acts sad, but let's me go and I leave trying to figure out her 360 emotional spin. Fast forward a few hours of me crying quietly in my room, panicking over how she might act for dinner and how even though my psychologist said to stand up for myself and call out her behavior and how she'd be totally pissed at me if I'd acted like she had all day I still can't bring myself to say anything because I'm afraid of my mom yelling when I do that. There's a quick, tense discussion on what to do for dinner a bit later, and dinner itself wasn't awful, just uncomfortable (in part because we had pizza and I had to eat all the pieces left, or she'd do her usual spiel about how I don't eat left overs fast enough so I shouldn't leave them, yet she can leave them because she's formally dieting and I'm not.) I try to go back to my room and she stops me. "Bye," she says in a voice equal parts sad and offended. Now, no matter what I'd done here would have been a problem. In past moments like this, there have been some where she guilted me to staying in the living room (but then acted nasty towards me if I fell asleep and didn't wake her up to help remind her to take out her contacts or get her to bed at a decent hour) and some where I've gone back to my room (and she'd pop in every couple of hours to ask if I still wasn't coming back out, glare at anything I might have on the floor, and sigh even when my room is clean--the issue I've found there is that it isn't clean in the way she'd clean it, so it pisses her off, no matter how much I try and clean 'her way' even when executive dysfunction makes it hard.) Tonight, I chose my room, which brings us to now. She already popped in once, as I was typing so I had to hide my iPad so she wouldn't see this post. I already know she'll have fallen asleep in the living room, so I can't fall asleep yet in case she doesn't wake up by ten or elevenish on her own to go into her bedroom. And I get her headache might be making her feel like shit, but here's the rub-- We've been having these moments and situations since I was four. I know everyone has days where they act shitty cause they don't feel well, but why does she expect me to just ignore her on those days when she never lets me have a day like that. If I acted how she did today, she'd have yelled and been angry with me (even tho she stresses now how we're just as much roommates as mom and kid since I'm an adult, so we should treat each other more like roommates.) I was the one who was gracious and asked my artist if he was okay to check out my healing before he left (which he happily did, and he said he was glad I let him check because it showed responsibility as a tattoo owner that he doesn't always see) while she whined that we shouldn't have to pay for the visit and embarrassed the hell out of me (they didn't charge because we didn't tattoo today, and none of the artists at the shop have ever said they'd charge for a literal 'roll up your sleeve for two minutes and let me look' thing, tho I think they probably could and should--I'm willing to hand over my money to people who care about me and the art on my body.) I was the one who kept us on track during shopping and got us home at a decent time, with lunch, even tho my anxiety was at an all time high and I was already an over emotional mess. And I was the one trying to find a way to make her happy, even after she'd made me cry a few times over. I just wonder how long I'm going to go thru this with her. My five year plan now is to save up to move to California, but it's killing me I can't go now. To be closer to other artists and collab and share my art with them (one book in the series I'm writing is nearly done with my editing, the second books first draft is written, and I started writing the third books first draft this week, and I didn't even plan on it becoming a series); to be away from my mom and my family's bullshit; to be in a state that will protect my orientation and gender identity (they can still fire u for that first one in ND)--it all feels so close yet so far away and days like today I just feel so tired of living the way I am, yet I don't have the money or options to change anything yet. This got way too long--if u read it all, thank u but also I'm sorry. U can tell it got too long cause I've given up typing as formally as I usually do. Anyway, I should take this moment to thank u all for still following me and reading my blog--writing and rants alike. It's a small comfort, but it makes me feel less alone. And on days like today, that's one of the few things I have. Here's to hoping for easier days with family, for me and any of u guys that might be struggling with similar issues right now. If any of u ever need to vent, my ear is ready to listen (and comfort if u want.)

[ouraidengray4]

Why Is Everyone I Know Depressed?

I was cruising around on Facebook recently and noticed something different. Usually, I felt inundated by #blessed pics of friends in bikinis looking happier than Oprah eating bread. But not today. There were no pictures of the beach or not-so-humble brags about their latest promotions. The No. 1 status update of the day: depression.

It suddenly seemed like most my friends were suddenly crippled by depression and anxiety. And this wasn’t just Facebook friends, either. Real people in my real life started talking to me about their mental health issues. And honestly, it was happening to me too: I’d just started therapy and was only a few months away from a Zoloft prescription. What had happened? Why does it suddenly seem like so many millennials are dealing with depression?

I’m far from the first person to notice this trend. Jean Twenge, Ph.D., published Generation Me, a book all about the rise of depression and anxiety in millennials, in 2014. According to Twenge, only 1-2 percent of people born before 1915 experienced a major depression during their lives. Now that number’s up to 15-20 percent of the population. A survey comparing students from 1937 to 2007 found that modern students were seven times more likely to be depressed.

And of course, there are all the people who don’t admit to depression. Twenge conducted a survey that compared teenagers from 2010s to the 1980s. The 2010s teens were 38 percent more likely to have trouble remembering things, 78 percent more likely to have sleeping troubles, and twice as likely to have visited a professional about their mental health concerns. That might not sound like much, but trouble remembering, sleeping, and seeking professional help are all major signs of depression. But when the teens were asked, "Are you depressed?" the numbers from the '80s and 2010s were practically the same. Young people have been feeling common symptoms of depression without realizing or admitting that they have a problem.

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Why is this happening? Sure, the world is a little crazy at the moment, but we also live in a time of extreme privilege. People have unrivaled access to technology, millennials never had to deal with the draft, and we have access to the glory that is Netflix. How could we be so unhappy?

There are several reasons. If you’re someone who thinks contemporary technologies are a blight on modern life, experts can back that feeling up: A study published in PLOS One found that going on Facebook made users feel less satisfied with their daily lives and less happy from moment to moment. Basically, logging onto Facebook made them pretty immediately sad. Another study from the University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine found that the more young people used social media, the more depressed they became. Those are only two of many studies that say Facebook is the devil, and it leaves nothing but sadness in its wake.

It’s not shocking to think that constantly looking at pictures of other people having fun while you’re sitting in a crappy apartment (speaking from experience) would have an adverse effect on your mental health. But not all the evidence blames social media. A study conducted at UC San Diego found positive effects of Facebook: Combing through thousands of posts from 2009-2012, researchers found that positivity spread through the social media more than negativity. A happy message from a friend led others to post their own positive messages and left the users happier than before.

In the end, I think it’s likely that social media makes you feel sad when you’re already sad and makes you feel good when you want to feel good. You know how you search out sad songs when you’re heartbroken? Well, when we’re in a bad mood, we look to Instagram for a perfectly toned girl to make us feel inferior and give us a reason to feel like garbage.

Other experts think social media is just one of many problems of modern life that’s causing millennial sadness. Twenge partially blames the rise of singlehood for the rise of depression: Since people are often staying single well into their 20s and 30s, the likelihood of loneliness and isolation is increased, she says.

But in my opinion, people getting married late is far from the biggest problem. Yes, millennials and younger people experience more isolation than generations past. I work from home, so if I see anyone besides my husband and a Trader Joe’s clerk, I’ve had a pretty social week. But the idea that simply being single is leading the charge of depression and anxiety feels wrong. The fact that women don’t feel the need to get married right out of school is a sign of progress. Yes, being single can be stressful, but far less stressful than being pressured into marriage when you’re not ready.

Therapist Alison Crosthwait has a different hypothesis. She says that the obsession with material things is a major part of the problem. "Materialism is a straight path to feeling empty," she explains. Since many millennials are obsessed with getting the latest iPhone or literally keeping up with the Kardashians, it’s made many of us ungrounded and unfulfilled.

Stefan Taylor, the founder of ADHD Boss, who’s worked extensively with depressed and anxious youth, agrees that all those things contribute to unhappiness. He adds that the super-competitive gig economy isn’t helping things either. "You might have to scrape and claw your way out of a difficult financial situation," Taylor says about millennial financial prospects. According to Forbes, 39 percent of workers aged 18-24 worked a side job while 44 percent of employees aged 35-44 had a side hustle in addition to working full-time.

Though the rise of quick-pseudo-employment apps like Uber, TaskRabbit, and Fiverr may seem like a boon to kids who just want to make an extra buck, it’s actually a sign of difficult economic times. Younger generations aren’t making enough from a single job (and are often saddled with thousands of dollars in student loan debt). So they have to spend their spare moments driving people around to be able to afford rent (in an apartment they likely share with a roommate). Other millennials have become so obsessed with possessions, they have to work around the clock to afford "the good life." Either way, it’s not a great situation.

So after examining the work of experts and taking in all the studies, I can only come to one conclusion: Everything in the world is terrible, and depression will rise forever until we live in a world of Eeyores.

OK, that might be a bit much, but if seemingly everything about modern life is contributing to a rise in depression, what are we supposed to do? Well, it might not be so dire—not everyone agrees that depression is taking over.

In their book The Loss of Sadness, Allan Horwitz and Jerome Wakefield refute claims of rising depression. They suggest that the growth in diagnosed mental illness isn’t actually due to an increase in depressed people, rather that therapists have been relaxing the definition of depression. In 1980, research scientists wanted to measure depression more easily and reliably. So instead of being based on cases of extreme disorder, the criteria was widened to include people with less severe symptoms.

Horwitz and Wakefield claim that this new system leads ordinary sadness to sometimes being diagnosed as a mental illness, or "medicalized sadness." Basically, the rise of depression is just a huge case of misdiagnoses.

Whether the depression wave is real or exaggerated, there is some good in the rise of mental illness: As a culture, we’re starting to become more accepting of those who suffer from depression. People aren’t as ostracized or called "crazy" for dealing with mental illness as they were. It’s becoming more just a thing a lot of us have to deal with.

So why are we all depressed? Nobody really knows. Most agree that taking a break from social media, stressing less about work, and finding more IRL human connection can help relieve sadness. But that’s not always possible, and might not help people currently struggling.

Still, with people seeking mental health care in greater numbers and feeling comfortable in sharing their pain, there’s hope. Sure, I was depressed, and so were most of my friends. But it doesn’t last forever. And soon enough, my Facebook feed will be #blessed again.

Amber Petty is a freelance writer in Los Angeles. If you like easy crafts and Simpsons GIFs, check out her blog, Half-Assed Crafts.

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