#I love to think that he has/had an emo era for sum reason

[datchscursedblog]

Nightmare Emo Boy 😔

[tillxthexearthxstartsxtoxcrumble]

Review for the album "I Went To Hell and Back" by As It Is

I'm gonna go through each song and then I'm gonna do a whole album review at the end of this. Lowkey inspired by @/emilyblame here on Tumblr so go check out their post and follow them because they make absolutely amazing content.

Warning for the album- This album does have very dark moments, including mentions of wanting to end their lives.

IDGAF-

This song came out first from this album, and was written before all the other songs, according to the band. This song basically sums up the whole album really well, sound-wise and lyrically. It has a good sound, one of the heavier sounding songs on the album. This song is one of my favorites of theirs overall, partly because it began the new era that I got to see happen, partly because it's just such a good song.

I LIE TO ME-

I'll be completely honest, this one I wasn't the biggest fan of especially compared to all their other songs they had released. But this has definitely grown on me. It is probably the most pop-sounding song on the album, but still keeps the feel of the album.

ILY, HOW ARE YOU?-

Ronnie Ish, you fucking amazing human. He wrote this song, and it is such a sweet song. It's a song about checking up on a friend who isn't doing good without forcing them into talking about it. The sound is really good on this track, and it has a follow up song right after this with the response. This has honestly become one of my favorites on the album which I didn't expect to say, but it's true. This one isn't exactly sad in any way, it's a song about wanting your friend to be okay.

IDC, I CAN'T TAKE IT-

This is the response to the last song, where it yet again isn't the saddest song you will hear from this album, but it definitely has some really depressing lines. The sound on this one is also just so fucking amazing.

I'D RATHER DIE-

This was the first 100% new song on the album I'd heard and let me tell you- I really needed this song. It's my current favorite out of the newest ones, and it just speaks to me on so many levels. A lot of fans I've seen or even talked to agree with that statement, too, this is a popular favorite right now. It called me out on a personal level in the way of I related to basically every line in this song. It's one of the chillest sounding songs on this album, but the lyrics hit hard. I have no other way to put it other than this one hits home.

I MISS 2003-

This one is really not sad at all, but it's just a full on jam and I fuckin love it more than anything. I wasn't even alive in 2003 but I find myself wanting to sing this as loud as possible, it's just so good. Packed full with so many references to popular emo and pop punk songs from that time, it pays respect to all the people they look up to and loved at that time. They also had fans come out and film the music video for this one and they said it was a super fun time and that the band was super friendly so definitely check this one out.

I'M SICK AND TIRED-

Back to super sad songs. The sound starts going back to heavier at this point, too. This one I can't describe too well, it's just such a heavy song that I think will definitely go hard live.

I WANT TO SEE GOD-

This one I've seen a couple fans say they don't like and a couple say it's their favorite, I really don't get why anyone wouldn't like this one? Only reason I can think of is it mentions God, but other than that it's just so good. It goes hard. The song is actually really fucking sad. But this is one of the heaviest songs on the album, definitely a harder sound than IDGAF had in my opinion, about the same lyrics though. But I love this one.

IN THREES-

I can't express to you how much I love this one. If you're a fan of Set It Off or Jordy Purp you HAVE to check this out. It is a song with all three artists, it goes SO HARD. I listened to this one on repeat for so long, and it remains to be one of my favorite songs ever made. I actually can't wait to see this one live, I will be screaming every word. Cody's and Patty's voices mix really well in this, and it is just *chef's kiss*

I HATE ME TOO-

What can I say about this one, other than just ow. Who the fuck would hate on them, I don't know, but I just wanna talk. Also lowkey relatable as hell. I can't describe how hard this one hits me, I love this band so much I hate that it got to this point. But the sound on this track? BEAUTIFUL

I'M GONE-

I can't emphasize how much at this point how sad these songs get. But God, I'm addicted. This one also called me out and hurt on many levels. A good "crying-after-school" song

I DIE 1000X-

This is one of my other favorites, I love listening to this one. I can't even fully describe how or why I love this one, but I just do. It gets stuck in my head 24/7 and I will be listening to this song a lot before the concert.

I CAN'T FEEL A THING-

All the songs from "I'm Gone" to the end of the album just hurt so much and sound so good but I can't describe why. They all are songs you could scream at the top of your lungs and it'd feel so freeing.

I WENT TO HELL AND BACK-

This one is so calm. But it hurts so fucking much. I was crying a lot during this song, this is one that I related to so much and I just can't express how much this one means to me. This was the perfect song to be the title track, and it was good to put it at the end of this, because after all the rest of the songs, this one hits.

Whole album review-

This is such an emo album jfc. But like- in the best way possible. The songs are so catchy and relatable, the band members themselves are just so nice and funny. I can't encourage you enough to check out this album and the band in general, they're genuine and their songs show that. Each and every song on this album had me either crying or wanting to dance and yell the lyrics. Sometimes both. What more could you ask for from an album? But seriously, I liked all the songs and I also liked the whole playlist on YouTube in this post, so if you're just looking to casually listen to music while doing something or if you want to sit and pay attention to music, please try out this band. You won't regret it.

[invincible-selfxmade-punk]

My So Called Rise Against Life

All lyrics written and owned by Rise Against

No band, not even AFI, sings the soundtrack of the last 20 years of my life like Rise Against has. I was dragged to my first Rise Against show by Emily. Emily, the suicide girl, quite possibly the hottest girl in Corpus Christi, barely 5'1 and 98 pounds soaking wet, covered in tattoos and with Angelina Jolie's lips. To this day I cannot imagine why a girl who looked like that wanted to hang with me. I had never been to a gig at that little club called The Underground where the disenfranchised youth of Corpus Christi congregated. This was the very cusp of my punk rock midlife crisis and I went in scared to death because I'd heard concerts of this nature were violent.

At this point I was already considering the decision to become straightedge. I was curious but knew little about it. The sum of my knowledge was this: two of the guys in AFI were, and the guy at the mall was. The memory of this guy never leaves me. Like a stray dog with a tennis ball, catching a welcoming scent on the air, then chasing after a passing stranger who never looked down, I chased after him and each year I spent in that fruitless pursuit felt like seven. His friendship I would never win, but he would remain on the outskirts of my life, like the brass ring I reached for again and again only to fall on my face. I would see him that night too, but I didn't know this when Em invited me out. It was billed as a hardcore show. I had no idea what hardcore was back then, I just assumed it meant a rough crowd of millitant straightedge vegans that would have a sixth sense that I wasn't one of them and chase me out the doors. Rise Against was headlining and an equally unknown band called Avenged Sevenfold was opening. I'd never heard of either. Emily wanted me to go and I wanted to get out of the house for the night so it wasn't that hard for her to twist my arm in the matter. I met her at her apartment which was filth ridden, with drug paraphernalia everywhere, a wall size Misfits poster that took up the entire SIDE of her apartment, and electric guitars propped next to skateboards. As she slipped out of her clothes and into something slinky much to my viewing pleasure, she pointed me to her freezer with a purloined bottle of tropical Schnapps from the liquor store she was working for. Toasting in miniature tea cups I downed the bright blue liquid. I remember it so well, the frost covered bottle, cold in my hand, the electric blueness pouring into what looked like a child's tea party set up. This wasn't the last drink I would take, that would come two months later, yet I remember every detail of the experience. Suited up in skimpiness, we were off to the races. We hauled ass in Emily's SUV and she sat behind the wheel, dwarfed by it's hugeness and her smallness, joint in hand, careening down the expressway and swerving around orange construction barrels. As we exited into the worst part of town I had ever seen I must have looked uneasy. She turned to me and proudly exclaimed "Don't worry, I know this place! I used to score crack here!" We walked in and the first person I saw was the straightedge boy, who was taking money at the door. It was a good sign of things to come. It would also mean I would completely ignore Avenged Sevenfold's set in s stupid quest to get his attention long enough to make conversation. But Em was a champ, she stayed with me through the whole thing. In fact, I don't remember having the guts to say a word. She talked to him, I watched him talking to her and twenty feet away M. Shadows was screaming his sexy, tattooed, egotistical lungs out but I was utterly oblivious. From there we went to the merch booth where Em bought me an Avenged Sevenfold poster that I kept for years on my wall before finally giving it away right on the cusp of actually starting to listen to them. She also bought me a Rise Against patch that is still on my Dickies bag today though it is nothing more than a mess of black thread. We wandered over to the PETA booth, watched some gruesome videos, signed up for mail and picked up a cookbook I would later use to make one of the mall kids a vegan birthday cake. Then Emily spied someone she knew and I followed her over, still looking suspiciously through the crowd sure someone was just going to come up and punch me for no apparent reason. Still following, I watched as she struck up a conversation with this cute guy in glasses. I politely listened in as they talked about how they haven't seen each other since Warped Tour. For the life of me I can't remember what they talked about. I was distracted by a guy that looked like Davey Havok. Their conversation muffled to a drone until the guy looked at his watch and said "Oh crap!! I need to be on

stage! I'll talk to after the show!" and it was at that moment I realized Emily had been talking to Joe Principe of Rise Against. This was our cue as well though there was already too much of a crowd to get near the front. There were maybe one hundred people there and Tim held every one in the palm of his hand. I was amazed. I had never heard them before in my life so I can't tell you the set list but I knew from that time on I wanted to hear more. At the end Emily and I waited at the stage to talk to Tim. I had no idea what to say so I just shook his hand and now I wish I had held on a little longer. Emily got a shirt signed and talked to him for a while. Again I was too preoccupied with the AFI look-alikes in the crowd that I wasn't paying much attention. To this day I wonder if the dude I thought looked like Davey was actually Zacky Vengeance. I'll never know for sure. Soon enough Joe was with us again and he and Emily were engaged in conversation when he turned to me and said "Did that hurt?" I had NO idea what he was talking about, I was too overwhelmed by his very presence. I actually thought he was pointing past me to the PETA booth and I stupidly sputtered "What KFC is doing to chickens?" I swear to god when I'm miserable and in need of cheering up sometimes all it takes to make me smile is thinking "Hey, Joe laughed at my joke." The night drew to an end, Emily went out with the band, and being married, I went home. Next to singing a line with Dave Peters of Throwdown, that first night with Rise Against was the best night of the last ten years of my life. The next time I would see Rise Against they would be back in Corpus, opening for Bad Religion. This happened during what I call "The Emo Dave Era". I met Dave because of Rise Against. He was a little emo boy wearing a Rise Against shirt, skipping school at the mall. I stopped him and asked him about it and well that was it, he just kept coming around. I would end up knowing him for five years and eventually hiring him to work for me. By the second time they came to town Siren Song of The Counterculture was out and I remember bragging to Dave that if it was any other band I would have just downloaded it, but for them I would actually spend my hard earned money. I remember DRINKING in the songs, trying so hard to memorize all of the tracks before the gig hit. I remember the second Rise Against gig for many reasons. It was the first gig I went to alone at a time I was in the grip of panic attacks whenever I had to be in wide open spaces by myself. Two of my "mall daughters" met me at the gates and stayed with me the whole night. I remember that. I remember Dave hitting the merch table before me and buying me Rise Against stickers that I regarded like they were jewels and kept them in some special place until I hid them so well I hid them from myself. Dave and I and the girls were in the front row together, and sadly none of them I am in contact with now. Not only that, but Dave and one of the girls I was up front with would end up working for me and stealing over $1300 from my business during their tenure as my employees. Years from knowing this though we happily stood side by side and sang along for the whole set. What I remember most about that second gig was standing in front of Joe and when he sang "Single file like soldiers on a mission." I saluted him and he saluted back. Tim was wearing the exact same shirt he wore at the first gig but I was probably the only one to notice it. And when Tim asked "Who was here at our first gig when only 20 people showed up?" I proudly raised my hand. All the memorizing I did was pretty much for naught because I was so excited to be in the front row I damn near forgot every word to every song, but for some reason I knew every word to 1,000 Good Intentions. The first Rise Against show was in August, I can't tell you the date of the second one. I made my commitment to becoming straightedge sometime between December and January. I don't know the exact date because I was so scared about the whole

thing I kept it to myself "You're the new revolution The angst filled adolescent You fit the stereotype well..."

.All I know for sure was that I'd been edge several months by the second Rise Against gig at Concrete Street in Corpus. he second Rise Against gig also brings to mind another phantom of my past: a girl I was close to named Amanda (not the Amanda I went to Warped Tour w/, that Amanda I've always called Di because her screen name was Dionysus). This was Amanda's first night aout after being kidnapped and raped. Her parents were druggies and didn't want the cops involved so the guys who did it just got away with it and I'd see them at the mall all the time afterward and I couldn't do shit. It was her and her big sister who met me at the gates and stayed with me all night. I loved those girls. . . . Again, digressing. From First To Last opened and we spent the whole set talking about how much they looked like AFI. I ended up leaving the gig early, going to the house of one of them who still lived with his folks, ringing the doorbell and leaving a note in the mail box that said 'YOUR SON RAPES LITTLE GIRLS----just thought you should know'. It didn't really help anything but it made me feel better. During this mindlessly courageous time I was blinded by my commitment. I jumped into being edge with a fervor reserved for things like joining the Hari Krishnas or Jehovah's Witnesses. It was a complete make over of every idea I'd ever held. I didn't know a great deal but once I found it, I knew it was all I had been looking for. The only other person I actually knew who was edge was the straightedge boy, who now had become god-like in my mind. He was the first face of straightedge for me, the ideal, the standard, the one thing I felt I had to live up to. Sadly, by this time he was long gone, moving away from the mall where we worked and on to better things. This fact only drove me forward in a Holy Grail level quest to find him. When he was there I was terrified of speaking to him and then when he wasn't I kicked myself for not having the courage. I was sure that if I did make my way to him, he could impart some knowledge, some advice that would make my whole solitary experience make sense. The soundtrack of that quest was Blood to Bleed: "Steps I take in your footsteps Aren't getting me closer to what is left of the dreams of what I once claimed to know Within my bones this resonates...." Within weeks of each other three amazing things happened: Ceci, my best friend Amanda(Dionysus) and I went to Warped Tour to see AFI and in the process saw Rise Against as well. Then The Sufferer and the Witness came out, and at the same time Jadey and Ceci came to visit me in Corpus for quite possibly the most idyllic summer of my life. It was that summer we saw Rise Against for the third time. At that Warped Tour again we were in front of Joe, and again when Tim sang "Single file like soldiers on a mission... " we saluted Joe and he saluted us back and it was like a little piece of heaven fell to earth, the moment was so perfect. The set was

short because it was Warped Tour but we didn't care. We were together, we loved each other and we sang along with every song we knew. Sufferer and Witness came out in July right in time for Warped Tour and the girls coming down for a visit. I remember this so well because I had a cd of the straightedge boy's band and it seemed so important for me to play it for Jadey and Ceci. Do you remember that line in The Lost Boys: "Now you know what we are, now you know what you are." ? That was how it felt for me, this romanticized notion that my edge was not my own and it was all owing and belonged to someone else. I wanted to be able to trace it like a family tree to say, if I had not met him I would not have found out about AFI, I would not have made my committment, we would have never met, so therefore the life and friendship we have shared has all traced back to THIS. Well, they weren't all that impressed. I have a very clear memory of us being outside the Sonic Drive In and Jadey asking me "Please turn that noise off and put in something else." That something else was the The Sufferer And The Witnessand it stayed in the player for the rest of the trip. Ready To Fall was the song that defined the next year, much later, that I made my edge my own. In my journey I had looked to so many others for advice or reassurance or validation. I did this because I didn't believe in myself. I thought I was weak and sought in others what would make me strong. Sometimes I received it, like messages sent back and forth the guys in Throwdown and the near religious experience of seeing them live all the times I have, of singing a line with Dave, shaking his hand. Most of the time though my search was in vain. I remember very clearly seeking out help online. One guy told me I would never know who I was until I went to a hardcore show. This wasn't exactly bad advice, hardcore shows had the most amazing energy flowing through them and it did feel good to be surrounded by like minded people. The only thing I really learned about myself through going to hardcore shows was that if God had wanted me to hardcore dance, He would not have given me boobs. There was another guy who told me only the most insecure person would EVER wear a straightedge shirt out in public and if you were sincere about it, you'd keep it to yourself. I thought that guy was nuts. The whole POINT of being edge to me was proving I was not like the idiots around me. "With your eyes Glazed and half-smiled Explain to me the details of your God-given right You point your finger In my face but You can't remember what you did last night" I asked another guy what to do if I was tempted to drink again and he told me if I was tempted I was never really straightedge to begin with and I should just do the scene a favor and kill myself already. Then there were the kids that thought I was just the bees knees and were coming to ME for advice. I had no idea what to tell these kids, but I wasn't about to tell them not to wear sXe gear or kill themselves. Because of my own search for answers I refused to turn any kid away. One day they were telling me I was their hero and begging for advice, the next they were telling me I was out of my mind and to get lost. It took a good four years before I learned not to believe them in either case. "This could be my great awakening But how would I know when it's all noise to me? Are these words falling on deaf ears?" Right in the middle of this I had the good fortune to meet a guy named Chris X from Philly. He neither worshipped nor ignored me. He was simply THERE. I have the most vivid memory of this one morning. I had the same dream about the straightedge boy only this time I stepped out and stopped him and asked him if the hormones levels in milk made people more aggressive the way steroids did and asked if I should stop drinking it. Why this popped into my head I will never know. As usual the alarm rang before the blurry form opened his mouth and imparted wisdom. I woke up at 5 am and suddenly HAD to know

the answer to the question. It happened that Chris X was up too. I contacted him and he took the time out of his morning to discuss this with me completely out of the blue. I don't know why this sticks out in my memory but it does: Him being up at five am and taking an hour out of his morning to answer some moronic question from a girl he didn't know and being so nice about it. He is still edge, we are still friends and he is still there when I need him. He is the exception to the rule. Friends fell away and I remained steadfast, yet alone. Slowly though there came the time when I realized I needed to look no further than in the mirror. It wasn't like this was a new thing. I was told this many times and yet I never believed it. Right about this time Rise Against released Ready To Fall: "But here in this moment like the eye of the storm It all came clear to me I found a shoulder to lean on An infallible reason to live all by itself I took one last look from the heights that I once loved And then I ran like hell" The heights I once loved were ego driven, the compulsion to wear a straightedge shirt every day and X's for every gig and dare anyone to tell me otherwise. It was that romanticized notion of my edge,--that it hadn't been mine and all I was, was owed to someone else. It was as if I believed someone had physically stood between me and a fridge full of alcohol that first year and kept me from it. Or that someone had been there to comfort me when my husband was drunk or in a bad mood and was calling me names or throwing me around because I dared come home with a book of Marxist writing or simply did not shut up and go along or renounce my beliefs. I healed myself, I comforted myself and I did almost all of it completely alone. It was slow in dawning but it finally came to me that I was the only one I had to inspire or impress, and my own approval was all I needed. This revelation was scored by every track on Sufferer and Witness. The fourth time I saw Rise Against, I met Ceci in Austin to see them at Stubb's. Stubb's BBQ is a grand place to see any band because if you get there early enough, you can have lunch on the balcony while watching the band's sound check. We found this out the first time we went there, seeing The Rollins Band open up for X. Going to the Rise Against show I told myself "It's not big deal, I've seen them three times before, I'm just going to kick back and eat and enjoy the sound check" but as soon as Tim and Joe took the stage I could barely consume a thing I was so overwhelmed. As we waited in line after lunch for the doors to reopen, I met Ceci's brother Jordan who is, wildly enough, still my friend. Jordan. He hovers on the edges of my life, always there with a kind word whether I actually deserved it or not. He is the only good thing to come out of my friendship with Ceci. Evergreen Terrace opened that show and we were right in front of the guy in the Straightedge Soldier tshirt and that and a brilliant cover of "Mad World" was all I remembered of their set. Circa Survive came on next and Ceci and I took turns booing them and flipping them off. Not that they were necessarily bad, but we were in no mood to entertain the mopey emo set at that point. Soon we were all piled together up front, again in front of Joe. I didn't get to salute him at that gig. Ceci's arms were too tightly around me. Ceci, her girlfriend Grace, Jordan and my husband were tangled in a sea of arms, so tightly that I wasn't sure of whose hand I was holding most of the night. Though by that time I was perfectly comfortable in my commitment, Blood to Bleed still only reminded me of one person and Ceci knew this. I felt she understood me then, I felt she was one of the very few who knew me best. Beside me was my husband, but in my heart was a dream of someone else, of someone who shared my commitment and my ideals, a dream of an idea more than a person, the perfect guy/relationship/life I would never have. Two months later I would find out my husband was seeing a girl from work

that had got him hooked on heroin. Two months later he would come to where I worked and attack me in front of multiple witnesses and when called, the police would do nothing. Two months later I would sit sobbing in the back of a police car because I was too afraid to go into my own apartment and get my things. When responding to my call the enormous officer would glare down at me and say "Why are you afraid to walk in your own home? Are you on drugs or are you just retarded?" Instead of accompanying me inside to get my things they would search me for drugs. Two months later I would realize why Henry Rollins hated cops so much. Two months later. after ten years together, I would leave my husband. I did not know any of this then. All I knew was that in that instant my heart was bleeding inside of me for want of some friendship I would never have, the one thing I believed would make my life complete. It was that friendship, that idea of a person, of perfection, of everything I wanted myself and my life to be, that seemed like the holy grail of the second part of my life. Looking back, maybe it held value only because it was unobtainable. I had not yet learned to find it in myself so I sought it so furiously in a stranger. So, with the ridiculously angelic vision of the first straightedge boy I ever met in my head, and my unfaithful husband beside me, in that crowd at Stubb's, Rise Against tore into Blood To Bleed. It was our first time to hear it live together as they had not played it at Warped Tour. Ceci looked down at me, wrapped her arms around me and held me tight because she knew exactly who I was thinking of and why. As she held on to me with one hand and ran a hand through my hair, we both screamed out those lyrics that had haunted me and driven me on for years. "This place rings with echos of lives once lived, but now are lost Times spent wondering about tomorrow I don't care if we lose it all tonight Up in flames, burning bright.... Within my bones this resonates Boiling blood will circulate Could you tell me again what you did this for?" And just like I was blind to what was about to erupt with my husband I was just as blind to time bomb ticking inside of Ceci that would turn her into a complete stranger the next time we met, at the very same place it would turn out. Had I known that this was the last time she would hold my hand and sing with me and look down on me with love and empathy in her eyes, I would not have wasted my sorrow in grieving for a friendship that never was and instead would have known to grieve for the real friendship I was losing. I should have grieved for hers, but in retrospect, it was no more real than the idea of the one I chased after so fruitlessly. "I don't love you anymore is all I remember you telling me never have I felt so cold But I've no more blood to bleed Cuz my heart has been draining into the sea...." And the strange footnote to that day, that time, that moment of hope and loss and all that was to come is this: Even though his friendship I never actually earned, in his status of a wise, polite stranger, that straightedge boy I never really knew was far more civil than Ceci. His responses, however short they were, however long it took to get them, were genuine. It is such a small thing, his honesty, yet it is more than I can say for ninety percent of the people I've known in the last several years. Another song we sang together that night was Prayer of the Refugee. I had no idea then but that song was about to describe my life. "We are the angry and desperate The hungry and the cold We are the ones who kept quiet and always did what we were told But we've been sweating while you slept so calm in the safety of your homes We've been pulling at the nails that hold up everything you own."

The split with my husband was brutal. First I had to deal with police that didn't care, who told me at one point "Well, if he tries to kill you, call us back, otherwise there's nothing we can do. He's your husband and he has the same right to live here as you do." Thanks to the police not doing anything, I was thrown out of the apartment I had paid for for ten years. The battered women's shelter was full and I would have found myself homeless had it not been for my friend Lilo. Suddenly I was having to start from scratch and then, upon finding a place, having to pack up ten years worth of my life and move it all by myself. "I hit the ground and I'm still running but I need a place to stay tonight I swear I'll be gone in the morning I just need some place warm to close my eyes." Every day I worked until the afternoon, went home and packed until 2 am, fell asleep until 5 am and then got up and did it all again. Then once I was packed I had to move it all. I can't remember why I didn't ask for help but I moved it all alone except for the bed, entertainment center and tv. "The drones all slave away They're working overtime They serve a faceless queen They never question why Disciples of a god That neither lives nor breathes But we've got bills to pay Yeah we've got mouths to feed I won't go back..." This was such a strange time. There was no way to hide what was going on: my husband came to where I worked and jumped me in front of everyone there, I had to tell my boss "My husband kicked me out and I'm homeless at the moment, could I possibly get my check a day or two early to put a deposit down on an apartment?" and I had to own up to the fact that I was straightedge and my husband was a heroin addict. "We're broken but still breathing We are wounded but we are healing We pick up right where we left off Breathe on the ashes that remain So that these coals may become fire To guide our way.." This made my life suddenly seem a really bad B movie. There was nothing to do but go on. I would have asked myself "What would that straightedge guy do in this situation?" if I'd had any idea. Instead I asked "What would Dave Peters of Throwdown do?" and of course the obvious answer was "punch something". As much as I wanted to, I couldn't do that. However, I knew for sure what he wouldn't do and that was curl up in a ball and cry. So I didn't do that either. It was a such horrible time and yet when I look back all I remember is my own strength and the exhilaration I felt when I finally left. "So give me the drug Keep me alive Give me what's left of my life Don't let me go... Pull this plug, let me breathe On my own, I'm finally free..."

Lilo and Di swore I looked great, like I had suddenly gotten 10 years younger. They said I was glowing, but unless I had come in contact with radium I certainly didn't see how. I remember thinking "Well hell, maybe the Socialists were right. Maybe 16 hour days are the way to salvation." "Wake me up inside Tell me there's a reason To take another step To get up off my knees and, Follow this path of most resistance. And where ever it takes us, Whatever it faces and wherever it leads" As I came into my own power, the straightedge boy who had loomed so god-like over the first years of my commitment shrank back down to human size. Deep down I still hoped that if he was to know of all I had gone through he would be a little proud of me for surviving with my integrity intact. But if he didn't, well that was okay too. Survive I did, survive I continue to. "Somewhere between happy, and total fucking wreck Feet sometimes on solid ground, sometimes at the edge To spend your waking moments, simply killing time Is to give up on your hopes and dreams, to give up on your... Life for you, has been less than kind So take a number, stand in line We've all been sorry, we've all been hurt But how we survive, is what makes us who we are" When I had my own place and my own life again, to celebrate I bought myself a Christmas present: a tattoo of a sparrow carrying brass knuckles in her beak. It reminded me of this lyric that had been echoing in my head the whole time: "And if strength was born from heartbreak Then mountains I could move If walls could speak I pray that they would tell me what to do." I enjoyed more than six months of solitude in my cozy little apartment on Airline. I filled my weekends with walks on the beach, solitary shopping excursions for meatless dinners, and nights were spent at the House of Rock and the Underground watching bands, enjoying the freedom of staying out without getting yelled at or called names. I spent Christmas alone on Lilo's floor stuffing myself with processed cheeseballs and watching movies. It was my first UnChristmas. The Jehovah's Witnesses would have been proud! "Warm yourself by the fire, son, And the morning will come soon. I’ll tell you stories of a better time, In a place that we once knew. Before we packed our bags And left all this behind us in the dust, We had a place that we could call home, And a life no one could touch."

But I am flawed and cowed and crippled by the Christian concept of forgiveness. And by the time I would be seeing Rise Against again, my husband would be back by my side. In West Texas his mom had ran him through the MHMR system, let them start him on 7 different drugs, ---including three different tranquilizers and pills for hallucinations and seizures, which he never once had,--- used him to get on welfare, disability, and Medicare. Once he's served the purpose, she called a friend in the sheriff's department and had him pulled from her house, drugged out of his mind on meds at the time, and stuck on a bus to Corpus Christi. The Glasscock County Sherriff's Department called me at work to TELL me "Your husband is on a bus to Corpus, he'll be there at two am. He's your responsibility now." On the bus, because of his state of stupor, he was robbed of everything but his clothes and as much as I wanted to just shove him into the closest homeless shelter, I couldn't. Had it been me, as unlikely as that would be, I would want someone to have compassion. "We are the children you reject and disregard These aching cries come from the bottom of our hearts You can't disown us now, we are your own flesh and blood And we don't disappear just because your eyes are shut" I took him in. At first it was easy. Thanks to the drugs he was sleeping 18 hours a day. Finally I started to investigate what they had him on, what he could do without and how to get him back to normal. I'm not sure how I did it, but I weened him off of every drug he was on. At first it was out of necessity since I was making too much money for him to stay on state sponsored help and he'd have run out eventually. Looking back though, had he sustained that amount of drug intake for long he would have probably died. So he was back for good and conversely Ceci and Jadey and nearly every other friend I had at the time would have turned their backs on me and flocked to other, cooler individuals. All those kids that convinced me they would have killed themselves, starved themselves, cut themselves to shreds, OD'ed, etc had they not met me, who all imposed their problems and lives on mine for five years or more and took up every spare moment of my time and every inch of my heart all turned 18 at once. In turning 18 they realized they knew it all and I was no longer worth their time. "And if you think your words will ever make a difference Think again and carry on..." My husband and I are still together, but all those friends are long gone. I wish I could say he gave up all his demons, but he didn't. He simply traded the big ones for a myriad of lesser evils. He will never be straightedge. And though he claims to be proud of me, to this day he is convinced, utterly falsely, I am hiding some secret affair with the straightedge boy from years ago. I sat him down one day and asked "Do you get that we are straightedge? Do you get that in being straightedge we could not possibly cheat on our significant others and remain straightedge? Do you get that no matter how much he influenced me I barely knew him and he barely gave me the time of day? Do you get that what you are accusing me of is utterly impossible?”

Despite his insistence on this, the idea doesn't bother him enough for him to give up his own addictions and become edge himself. He no longer asks me to change and he is no longer violent, thank god. I no longer ask him to change, though I pray every day he will. We have been together for twenty years now and I have never been with anyone else. This doesn't keep me from dreaming of some nice sXe man who shares my ideals. But I think of it much like I imagine racing on the autobahn, knowing it will never actually happen and knowing I’d never do it even if I could. "We live on front porches and swing life away We get by just fine here on minimum wage If love is a labor I'll slave til the end..." Things in my life settled down for a bit as we prepared to see the boys again at Stubb's BBQ. Through myspace I found my friend Linda that I had not spoken to in fifteen years. As we sat on the balcony at Stubb's I kept one eye on the stage and the other on the door waiting to see her again. When she walked through the doors it was like the last fifteen years never even happened and instantly we picked up right where we left off and again were tearing through Austin with her at the wheel like we had so many times in the past. Because of this joyful reunion I was not first in line when the doors opened, I was buying rainbow necklaces in the gay shops in town and snickering over whether the guy behind the counter was flirting with my husband or not. - That was a strange memory for me, being in the very back of the audience for once, singing alone as Aaron sat on a rock and read a Robert Jordan novel. I was happy to be there, the music was incredible, but the feeling was all wrong. I was isolated and alone, in the back row with my fist raised and Aaron tugging at my arm every other song asking "What song is this? Do I know this one?". I wondered if Ceci was there in the front row, holding on to someone else and convincing them she would have killed herself if they hadn't come into her life. I imagined others in the front row, in our place, saluting Joe, singing our songs while I was the interloper that did not belong anymore. We walked out of the sold out show before the encore, a long drive home facing us. Aaron never lets me stay for the encores. He always wants to hit the road. As we walked to the car, with Worth Dying For wafting through the air above us, I blew a kiss to the wind and told Ceci goodbye. "Feel me rise in the strength I've found inside the warm embracing air Like a glacier melting watch me dissipate I searched for love in an empty world but all I found was hate" It was the lyrics of Rise Against that echoed in my head when I sat down to read the words of Marx and Lenin for the first time as a whole other world opened up for me. It was Rise Against that drove me on as I worked sixty hour weeks. "We're losing daylight but I can't work any faster Under the veil of dust we go on..." Their lyrics saw me through every major event of the last several years of my life. Appeal to Reason was released in the Fall of 2008 and though the year found me miserably poor and unemployed, I still bought it the day it came out. It was on my mp3 player and as I sat in the welfare office applying for food stamps I would hear the lyrics "Despite these petty fortunes we still can't afford a life...." for the first time and I would pause a moment just for the whole zeitgeist effect of it. For Christmas of 2008 I received an email from Ceci after a year and a half of ignoring my every attempt at contacting her. I had tried everything, even terribly childish measures to get some kind of reaction but every letter---first polite, then angry, then groveling-- every call, email, and package was met with silence. A year and a half passed and then I got the email saying "I got the new Rise Against and it made me realize how much I loved and missed you and loved AFI and I want to be friends again. I know you can't forgive me but can we be friends again? There's this song on that new Rise Against that

reminds me of you." True to the bond we had once held there was certainly a song on the new Rise Against that reminded me of us too: "Identities assume us as nine and five add up Synchronizing watches To the seconds that we lost I looked up and saw you I know that you saw me We froze but for a moment In empathy I brought down the sky for you but all you did was shrug" This was exactly what happened the last time we saw each other when she turned up her nose and pretended not to know who I was, just a week after sending me a letter saying how much she loved me. This led to the year plus of her not speaking to and ignoring all attempts at contact I made, even the immature ones. "And if you see me please just walk on by Walk on by Forget my name and I'll forget it too Failed attempts at living simple lives Simple lives Always keep me coming back to you." But too much time had passed and although that Christian weakness crippled me so with my husband, for once I stood strong and had no trouble in keeping the door to my heart shut. I told her not to contact me again. "I count the times that I've been sorry Now my compassion slowly drowns If there's a time these walls could guard you Then let that time be right now."

That doesn't mean that my mind does not still light to her like a bee to a flower, the years we were friends, that feeling of love and camaraderie and the bond I imagined we had. The last three Rise Against albums play the soundtrack of our friendship whenever I turn them on. When I play Appeal to Reason I wonder if this song reminds her of me:

"It kills me not to know this but I've all but just forgotten what the color of her eyes were and her scars or how she got them" If I close my eyes I am there again in that Port Aransas condo, the night we met face to face after talking online for so long. We are huddled together in the bedroom sharing the earphones of a cd player listening to Placebo's Sleeping With Ghosts. I am pulling down the zipper of my boot and showing her three freshly razored X's cut into my ankle, the blood still stuck to a wad of tissue pressed between my sock and skin. She is crying and wrapping her arms around me and telling me she understands everything and that someday she will show me her scars too. "I'll show you mine If you'll show me yours first Let's compare scars I'll tell you whose is worse Let's unwrite these pages and replace them with our own words..." She never did show me her scars. I wonder now if she even had any. There are lots of songs that transport me back then when she was my world. But now I know nothing about her nor anyone else I knew then was real and I wonder if that song ever reminds her of me and the way she led me to believe I was her lifeline, right up until the moment she cut me off and forgot me like a favorite toy after adolescence destroys the need for such playthings. "As the telling signs of age rain down a single tear is dropping through the valleys of an aging face that this world has forgotten ..." This is the music that accompanied my feet hitting the pavement of park sidewalks and treadmills, it is the melodies that buoyed me through endless work weeks and settled into the recesses of my heart in times of quiet contemplation. As I read words written years ago by writers we were never allowed to study in school, it is the soundtrack that played in my mind when those concepts began to make sense. When I read Ten Days that Shook the World by John Reed, what I was hearing in my head was

"but these ghosts come alive like water and wine walk through these streets singing songs and carrying signs, to them these streets belong.." As I struggled to understand the Communist Manifesto I was thinking to myself: "Unknowing, we lie and wait for the rain To wash away what they have made Face down in the dirt with your foot on my back In the distance I hear thunder crack C'mon Stand up! This system of power and privilege is about to come to an end Here come the clouds The first drop is falling down" I look back at many things and laugh. I remember when I was first looking for straightedge shirts I came upon one that said SUPPORT LEFTIST HARDCORE. I had no earthly idea what it meant and was way too scared to ask anyone. Now I can quote Trotsky. When I first turned edge I stopped eating meat for several months until my husband found out and started calling me a Communist. At the time it seemed like the worst thing in the world to be called. He still calls me a Communist but now with laughable results. I'll cock my head, say something to him in Russian, he'll mumble under his breath 'Yeah you only say that because you've had sex with the entire Communist party!", I'll roll my eyes and we go back to our common denominators of movie quotes, comic books, and making fun of people. I always loved the way the Russian alphabet looked and shortly after we were married I got a tramp stamp with his initials in Russian. He now claims it actually means "Welcome aboard, Comrade." I just laugh and we kid each other and life goes on. In the great Holy Grail of a search for wisdom that I thought could only come from the first straightedge boy I knew, I had one great fear: what if I found him again and he was no longer edge? I was terrified of this, sure that if he fell I would too, that if that touchstone was gone, all would be lost. This no longer worries me. I would be sad if it happened, but it would not affect my journey nor cause me to stumble because I have found my own way. It was hard way full of work, trial and error and pure blind luck. Maybe it would have been easier if things had gone differently and yet it is all mine and no one else's.

I have now seen Rise Against eight times each with its own small dramas, like when I was working for Job Corps, worked an 18 hour day, literally passed out in my car from low blood sugar and exhaustion—luckily before I had started the engine. I somehow made it home, downed two peanut butter sandwiches and went to the show where I had no energy to dance, but just stood there and sang.

The last show was the best in years for me. I was in the second row behind a little boy and his mom. His mom was my age and it was her son’s first concert. He was there to see NOFX. They put on an incredible show and I did my best to keep the crowd off the kid. As a reward, the mother gave me their spot and they went to the back when Rise Against came on. I had not been in the front row since that show with Ceci. I felt like I was twenty again. Rise Against is the music that scores ALL of this in my memory. It is the sound of hope and loss, of new directions and ideas, of the brass ring becoming just another small cog in the great, silent machinations of my soul. It is the music of discovering that the strength of the world lies inside my own heart. It is the sound of me walking away from what I loved, it is the joyous noise of friends you're certain is lost forever coming back to you. This is my so-called Rise Against life

[daily5sosupdate]

The Australian pop-rock quartet's third album is finally here; we toast it with a salute to the hits and fan favorites.

One of the best things about music is how the same band can be loved in so many ways by so many people. How cool is it that two fans can be connected by a shared love for a band, and yet have completely unique views on which songs or albums are their best work? Given the same material, you can form the same bond but in a new way.

I discovered 5 Seconds of Summer back in 2013 on the Take Me Home tour when my friend and I had front row tickets to see One Direction, and even though Harry Styles literally winked at me -- the closest thing I’ve ever had to a spiritual experience -- I left talking about four dorky Australians that stole my heart.

I appreciate each of their releases for different reasons, but I’ll always feel the strongest emotional connection to the songs I heard at those first shows. Without them, I might not have been paying attention to hear the increasingly impressive tunes that were to follow. “Youngblood,” the second single and title track from their brand new album, ranks very high on my list. “Lost Boy” deserves to be heard again live, and whoever decided they should cover “Teenage Dream” all throughout 2014 deserves a raise. With all of this in mind, I attempted to choose my top 10 favorite 5SOS songs and trust me… it’s harder than it looks.

10. “End Up Here” [5 Seconds of Summer, 2014]

Sometimes you just need a good power pop song in your life, and “End Up Here” is definitely that song. Of course it's pure catharsis when Bon Jovi sings about living on a prayer, but it’s truly incredible how four Australian kids singing about loving "the song about living on a prayer" gives the same reaction. We put so much pressure on bands to always be creating music that means something deep, but sometimes you just that blissful rush of fandom. Play this song on summer road trips and let it soundtrack the ride away.

9. "Beside You" [Somewhere New EP, 2012]

If you really want to experience this track, find a live acoustic version. You don’t get the full effect of the group’s harmonies unless you’re hearing it in its raw form, which reminds you how rare it is to find a non-boyband band where each of the members is equally talented vocally. “Beside You” was released on both the Somewhere New EP and their self-titled debut album, but I’ll never hear it enough for my heart to not break upon hearing, “My heart wants to come home…”

8. "Long Way Home" [5 Seconds of Summer, 2014]

I have a soft spot for any song that belongs in the end credits of a typical teen movie. “Long Way Home” fits the “this summer is the last time we’ll all be in the same place, so let’s make the most of it” vibe perfectly, without being cheesy. The acoustic guitar is just prominent enough to give the song a nostalgic feel, but it still feels fresh and fun. Roll the credits.

7. “She Looks So Perfect” [5 Seconds of Summer, 2014]

Were you really a 5SOS fan in 2014 if you didn’t have at least one family member ask about the band that sings about American Apparel underwear? This song kicked off the band’s meteoric rise from being known within internet circles to heavy rotation on top 40 radio and 20 weeks on the Billboard Hot 100. It also helped bring pop-punk back to the mainstream, allowing 5SOS to promote other acts on a scale that otherwise may not have been possible. This song deserves a place on this list not just for the moment in time it represents, but because it has one of 21st century rock's best choruses.

6. “Outer Space/Carry On” [Sounds Good Feels Good, 2015]

There aren’t enough words to accurately sum up this song. Each half is a work of art all its own, coming together to close out the band's sophomore album on a hopeful note. The “Outer Space” half is heartbreaking, painting a picture of a relationship that can’t work unless it’s away from the struggles of life on earth. For a second in the bridge, you start to think their love can survive because they’re in outer space, or a place all their own where nothing else can affect them. But then those last few lines come around and kick you when you’re down. “Love me like you did, I’ll give you anything.” My heart hurts and we’re not even done yet.

“Carry On” comes in and ends things on a better note, reflecting on how time will pass and things will get better. It kind of feels like a premonition for their new album, getting to a place where they can create what they want and regain some energy after years of non-stop touring.

5. “Disconnected” [She Looks So Perfect EP, 2014]

An early favorite, “Disconnected” reminds us of the power in being with people without the distraction of technology. But in a lovely twist, it doesn’t do it in a condescending way that belittles those that genuinely enjoy social media. This song was written with help from Alex Gaskarth of All Time Low, which explains why this song felt so familiar from first listen to many pop-punk fans. When these bands grow up and leave their deadbeat towns, it's on them to assist them to pass the torch to the next generation.

4. “Girls Talk Boys” [Ghostbusters official soundtrack, 2016]

Reviews for the 2016 Ghostbusters reboot were mixed, but feedback on “Girls Talk Boys” was positive across the board. This track was the tipping point where the band started gravitating away from pop-punk and towards their new, 2018-ready pop sound. Though leagues away from their early racket, you can still feel the same energy shining through; it’s genuine growth, not a forced directional shift. Whether you prefer their rambunctious roots or their new, streamlined sound, let’s celebrate the one track between album cycles that opened the floodgates for a new era of 5SOS.

3. “Try Hard”  [5 Seconds of Summer, 2014]

I will spend my life championing this song and advocating for it to rejoin the band's setlist, despite reminders that they haven’t played it in four years. “Try Hard” is a true masterpiece, giving us an alternate version of the story told in Avril Lavigne’s “Sk8er Boi” 16 years ago. The story of two people who were just so different and then yadda yadda yadda, he ended up on stage with her in the crowd at his show. When I hear Luke referencing the girl in the front row, it takes me back to 2009, when I fully believed a Jonas brother would see me at their world tour and whisk me away to a new life where I’d be serenaded with “Hello Beautiful” every morning.

2. “Youngblood” [Youngblood, 2017]

The band’s newest era  kicked off with “Want You Back”, which was only a taste of what was to follow. “Youngblood” takes us into a whole new age of 5SOS, less focused on being pop punk and more focused on going wherever the music takes them. Genre is much less defined in 2018; everything is a streaming era amalgamation of so many influences and ideas. This song is the perfect example of what can happen when you jump out of the box you put yourself inside of and see what’s happening outside -- in this case, swaggering tight-grooved pop with EDM inflections.

1. “Jet Black Heart” [Sounds Good Feels Good, 2015]

I don’t want to sound dramatic, but I would literally die for “Jet Black Heart,” a expert-level emo-pop power ballad for anyone still holding on to Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge-level angst. Michael takes center stage and shines on lead vocals, giving the track the storm cloud-romantic edge it needed to reach its full potential. If you ever find yourself trying to introduce 5SOS to a skeptical audience, this might be the song to break through the tough exterior to the hurricane underneath it.

[taeguboi]

*sings shinee* oh I'm curious yeah.... I read your fave V and J hope ships so what's your favourite ship for the other members? Maybe you could give more than one if you feel like it or can't decide 😛

Let me know if you wanted more than this simple response, and I’ll hc them or something -- but for now, this is something I can reply to what would have been quickly if I didn’t add so many gifs, so thank you for asking because I love sharing my enthusiasm for bts ships... Some of these favourites will change and already have changed often, but this is currently.

Warning?: Loads of gifs because praise all those lovely gif creators!!!

Anyways, here’s 5 BTS ships I have a particular soft spot for!

Favourite Jin Ship - 2Seok

I know, this was in that post you’re referring to, but there’s no Jin ship I find myself more enthusiastic about.

Like they feed each other and do dorky dances together, and cling onto each other a lot because they get easily shook and Hobi puts up with Jin’s corniness, what’s not to love? 

Once you’ve gotten those 2Seok feels, there’s no going back.

Favourite 2Seok gif ^ *smiles fondly*

Oh, and always throw in the most kissy / huggy / skinshippy gif of a ship where possible ^

Wow I love dorks being dorks together

dfghjklgfcvbnm why does Jin remind me of Park Seojoon in some K Drama where he’s about to tease the girl

Watch this because Jin should be like Korea’s poet laureate, if they have that soz I’m English

Ah, the appreciation for this ship has come a long way and I love that other people are making content to quench my 2Seok thirst and thank you thank you thank you... I remember at one point being sad because there were literally only 3 gifs under #2Seok when I wanted to make a post... I also really briefly had a 2Seok anon which I’m really sad about now so please come back if you’re reading this? Or someone else by like 2Seok2 anon? 😅

the aim was just one gif per ship but... I don’t know the meaning of ‘just one’ apparently, even when telling that to myself... 

If you’re like me and still want more anyways, then this blog did a great ask response with plenty of 2Seok

Favourite Rap Mon Ship - Vmon

My religion 🛐 is Namjoon’s belief in Tae. English 101 with the best teacher. This ship really ignites Cypher trash [me] to anticipate V finally getting a part lmao [but seriously, V is Roman numeral for 5, it’s inevitable, surely?]

Also hands hands hands how perfect are their hands?

R & V is my favourite genre! 😁

I love when they pair up on V Live’s too; their chemistry is 👌and the conversations are just like praise praise praise

This ^ was a good era for the VMon

Puppies

Yes bby VMon look at that melanin glow and oml their faces have matured so much [and so well even though that probably seemed impossible at the time] over just these few years?

VMon in bed... that reminds me, I still need to finish ‘Blanket Kick’ lmao I started writing for that in BS&T era

I see dat ^ but I feel like I should pretend I didn’t and just let it happen?

Everyone be all like ‘Namjoon daddy’ but for Tae he’s just soft soft soft you can’t deny the scentifical facts

Favourite Suga Ship - Yoonseok / Sope

[I swear I’m not purposely trying to put V and Hobi into everything 😅]

Because Yoongi beams off Hobi’s energy, allowing the latter to completely live up to his renowned role of ‘sunshine’. Like I don’t think Yoongi is physically able to do anything other than sleep when Hobi’s not around, at least not in my mind, because Yoongi is like a solar panel that can only create energy after taking in the sun.

And come on, they literally made their own ship name with jackets to match!

Like, please never make me choose between Hobi w/ Suga or Hobi w/ Jin

Don’t you just love the way Yoongi looks at Hobi?

I think I look at Yoongi looking at Hobi in the same way that Yoongi looks at Hobi [did that make sense? I’m getting sleepy]

^ You know when you’re at a house party and you find yourself crashing on the couch and then waking up to someone you’ve always had a massive crush on, so you pretend you have a habit of ‘sleep-touching’ [if that can be labelled as an actual thing?] just so you can make that longed for contact?...

*approves of hand holding even though I usually find PDA to be ugh*

Yes

Favourite Jimin Ship - VMin 

It’s another ship I mentioned in that hc post, but brotps don’t lie.

The things they do are gay but not gay? Like there’s all this affection and these meaningful gestures but they act like they’re not dating?

VMin: I love you but no homo

The world: erm, you’re dating...

A date that isn’t a dateTM

Even Joon ships 

Models 

... who have to try their hardest to keep it professional and look bad ass but ^^

and they’re always like this ^ ya know?

and this ^

but still no homo

the BTS Koalas

Favourite Jungkook Ship - Jinkook

The way that Kookie is basically thirsty for Jin tho too? Telling the members that he will slap Jin’s butt instead of Rap Mon, or how his answer to Jin’s question of “Where do you wanna sleep” was “Your bed”...

I also love how much they make Jimin crack up [good example here, you’re welcome].

Children [irl; they aren’t in the request I’m fulfilling but anyways....] I love how although Jin is eldest hyung, it’s a completely forgotten fact whenever Kookie is around... They’re like the youngest brothers in the family that the parents had only about 2 years apart and they’re always playfighting.

Conclusion: Jungkook is a brat but Jin started it.

Paper Hearts - an emo JinKook HC no one asked for

of course you shall, Guk

See, crayons. Children. 😇

He only does this shit ^ because he thinks Jeongguk’s reactions are as cute as a button

Shoulders? Yep, same.

*sings chorus of ‘Hold Me Tight’*

and now I suddenly love people doing this hand holding thing, huh

Shoulders & thighs; Jinkook the power combo

iconic Jinkook moment because it sums them up so perfectly imo

I live for this kinda thing ^ for some reason?

Applause ^ from the world of Tumblr because this is the end of my post

[yuli-ban]

Remember back in 2006 or 2007 or 2008 when...

...everyone had BlackBerrys? Those little slabs of crack were a status symbol in middle school.  They’re also what said middle school admins hated the most. I swear, I have this false memory of a schoolwide “Anti-BlackBerry” day. Like, supposedly BlackBerrys were the enemy of education, and only the vain popular kids would bring them to school to harass the rest.

Yeah, way to demean your own studentry, motherfuckers. Especially those prole kids who saved up their money to buy this fancy piece of tech and are now being demonized as bourgeoisie pigbitches by their own teachers and principals for it.

No, that has no basis in reality.... as far as I know.

Possibly because my synapses are shooting off this connection between BlackBerrys and old trends. Fucking Cupid Shuffle and Stanky Legg, my god. They even referenced the latter in this school recitation of some standardized-test hype-up bullshit— “If your leg is stanky, wash it.”

WHAT THE FUCK.

And then there was that one kid. You know who he is. He’s wearing black and he’s got black fingernails, but he’s not a goth. He’s also worryingly interested in knives. He’s an emo! For whatever reason, most if not all of the emos at my middle school had this hard-on for Naruto. To this day, I can’t help but associate Naruto with three things—

1. Emos. That’s mid-2000s emos, not the early’00s-on-back variant. We had all already figured Sasuke was an emo, but it’s crazy how many 12-to-14-year-old emos fell in love with that anime as a whole circa 2006.  2. Linkin Park. RIP Chester Bennington, but seriously; Minutes to Midnight had just dropped, and it seemed every angsty 14-year-old with a YouTube account was creating AMVs to either Naruto or Dragonball Z. I can even identify what makes a particular song AMV-friendly, and I have this little in-joke term, “AMV Rock.” I can tell or show you what AMV Rock is, but let’s move on. 3. The Two-Fingered Buttstab. And that’s all I’ll say about that.

Now that I think about it, I also associate emos with MySpace.

MySpace Associations:

1. Emos and Scenes. Like, my god. 2006-2009 was like 1986-1989. Except the crazy hair-sprayed anime hair is dyed black, red, and green, and instead of neon wristbands and spandex, there’s edgy poetry, Invader Zim, and skintight faded ripped jeans. 2. Blingee. You know that fucking place, where you can sparkle up any picture. It feels like Scenes loved that the most.  3. My Chemical Romance. They were to MySpace types what Linkin Park felt like to Naruto. Then again, there was probably a lot of overlap. All the MCR fanfiction, my god. But it wasn’t just them. It was any cute boy rock band. Like it was the Jonas Brothers for a period, but then the emos invaded and it was more MCR and screamo bands. And crunkcore. CRUNK. CORE. Crunk music + screamocore. HOLY. SHIT. DID HUMANITY FUCK UP OR WHAT. But scenes and emos seemed to love it. I know because that’s what I kept hearing when I made the effort to try to see what the big fuss was about with MySpace. Fucking place wouldn’t stop playing people’s music. And while one beautiful one did inadvertently rekindle my interest in Sum 41, it was mostly miss.

Those 2007-era scemo kids are now the hipsters and indieheads of today, I want you to know that.

I never owned a BlackBerry, but I assume you could somewhat browse the web and access MySpace.

This. Is Perfect.

It Is 2007. It Is The End Of Days. Imagine a scene girl and her emo boyfriend. Living in suburbia. Writing poetry. They have memorabilia from Invader Zim, Lenore the Cute Little Dead Girl, The Nightmare Before Christmas, and probably Naruto. They’re listening to My Chemical Romance, Linkin Park, Paramore, Three Days Grace, Evanescence, Fallout Boy, Taking Back Sunday, Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, Good Charlotte, Blink-182, Panic! At The Disco, AFI, Green Day, and let’s throw in Jack Off Jill. They’re browsing MySpace on their BlackBerrys, using their desktop to check out the best Blingee images and look for more hair dye. Also, their wrists have more scars than a Vietnam veteran. That scene girl? She definitely has Twilight on her book shelf. That emo boy? He identifies with Sasuke Uchiha, but he always thought he was more like Riku. Except guess what, he has a new idol— can’t fight dem emo urges Neku Sakuraba. They go to school to avoid interaction with all the sheep who also happen to have BlackBerrys. And there’s a school dance, where they get to see their 58-year-old math teacher do the Cupid Shuffle. In their desks, they got to see this... thing carved all over the place alongside the swastikas and pentagrams—

Oh, and they were probably making AMVs on YouTube and happened to catch a glimpse of “Leave Britney Alone!” or “Chocolate Rain” the day they came out, while also seeing a trailer for Halo 3. 

You know who you are. I was always the guy in the background, trying to not be noticed. But I was watching you. I was watching you evolve with befuddlement. Here I am, ten years later. Your neighbor, what a guy.

And I still don’t know what the fuck you were on about. But the BlackBerries were kinda cool. They were the key to all this.

[chorusfm]

Late Bloomer

Late Bloomer is about to release their third-full length album, Waiting. I caught up with the band — bassist Josh Robbins, guitarist Neil Mauney, and drummer Scott Wishart – to talk about how things changed writing this album, which is out June 29th via 6131 Records, and available for purchase through their webstore. How was the recording of Waiting different from Things Change? I know it’s been a while since you put out that record. Josh: We went further away from our home state to record, so that was a big thing. We went up to Massachusetts to record with Justin Pizzoferrato. I guess just that; usually we stayed pretty close to home when recording. Since you all contributed lyrics to the album, did you ever sit down and discuss a theme for Waiting or say, like, “this album’s going to be about this?” Or did it just happen that way? It seems like – and the little bio I got with the album implied it too – there’s a consistent theme. Josh: No, not really. I guess maybe we were all just collectively thinking a certain way and it all just came out that way. Scott: Yeah, there wasn’t any big idea to have a theme of the record beforehand. I think we were just all on the same wavelength. That’s pretty good then, everyone being able to come together like that. Hopefully that means you aren’t all butting heads all the time. Scott: No, we definitely butt heads, just about different things. [Laughs] I think for different bands, when they butt heads, it feels like the end of their relationships, but for us – since we’ve known each other so long – we get over it decently. I think we vibe off each other well. I wanted to talk about “Life Is Weird,” which is probably my favorite on the album and has a totally different vibe from the rest of the songs. I was wondering how that came to be. Neil: I wrote that song a long time ago in my room. I didn’t have a bass, so I detuned a guitar and plugged it straight into a recording thing and it sounded terrible, but that’s how I wrote it. Eventually we decided to try it out as a Late Bloomer song. Josh: Yeah, Neil’s done that a couple of times where we’ll hear a recording he did and we don’t know what he’s intending to do with it, but I’ll hear it and be like, “Yeah, this is a Late Bloomer song.” Scott: I had keyboard drums, I remember that. Josh: But I don’t think we really approached it any differently than the rest of the record. It’s definitely a little more chill than some of the songs. Neil: I guess we chose “Life Is Weird” to be the closer because it does sound like a happier, higher note to end on. Josh: But I don’t know, when I think about it, the album kind of ends on “Make It Go Away,” then you get this bonus song that sums up everything. It’s the “in summation,” like if you were writing a paper in college, and it wraps it up. Do you have favorites on the album? Neil: I think I like “Make It Go Away” and “Life Is Weird,” actually. I was really happy with that one. It’s hard to choose, though. Josh: “Sleeve,” for me, has more of a direct message than some of the other stuff I’ve written. So I’m proud of that. The thing that’s different with this record, as opposed to the others, is I feel like it’s hard to pick one out. Like we sequenced it well and I’m not particularly tired of any of the songs. It feels like one complete document. Scott: I would say “Heaven” or “Life Is Weird.” Or the song that I sang that got cut. [laughs] Josh: Yeah, Scott always has a song he sings lead on and this time it got cut. More of my songs got cut too. It just happens, you know. His song was good, though. None of the songs we cut were bad. You just can’t have a thirteen-song record, you know. You want to just get in and get out. You said “Sleeve” had a more direct message. Could you talk about that? Josh: It’s funny, because we have a song called “Listen” on the record, but it’s about listening to people rather than talking. The more direct thing it’s about is a lot of emo songs or rock songs are about a woman – or a succubus, that’s usually how they put it – that does them wrong. And you never hear the other side of it, so you’re always left with – like, that Buckcherry song. It’s about that, how there’s always a male perspective and you’re like, “Yeah, she did that to you,” so it’s like, hopefully you can listen to the other side and understand that there’s different perspectives. I got a similar vibe from “January.” I remember there’s a line in there about the world being a boy’s world, or something along those lines. It feels very timely right now. Josh: Yeah, what’s funny is we really wrote a lot of this before the MeToo movement. It’s not like it wasn’t obvious something like this was going to happen. The writing was on the wall, you know. Neil: Yeah, we just those songs as ourselves, from our pissed-off perspectives. Josh: It’s funny with Neil’s lyrics for “January” and mine for “Sleeve,” because we didn’t really discuss it, but I feel like they really complement each other. Scott: 7 Seconds has a song called “Opinion of Feelings,” so it’s like, this stuff’s been going down in punk and hardcore scenes for decades. Josh: Yeah, there’s even Fugazi songs where they do that – I can’t remember the name – but where they write from a female perspective. That’s “Suggestion.” Josh: Yeah. I was looking at that and trying to make sure I wasn’t doing that – like, think of a male writer writing a female character in a book, and you feel like they don’t flesh them out. I didn’t want to do that, so I didn’t want to forsake the male perspective in that way. I feel like the Fugazi song is alright, great for its time, but I feel like there’s a mansplaininess to it. Like, a man taking on the voice of a woman is still writing from a male perspective. You do what you can do. Neil: I think we wrote those songs, since we do come from a male perspective, to yell at other men, I guess. We’re pissed off about that. But we don’t want to mansplain. Josh: Yeah, you don’t have to be like, “I think what she meant was….” Fuck that shit. It’s stupid. It’s a good foil to the “I hate my ex-girlfriend” style of pop-punk. Josh: Yeah but honestly I feel like there’s still third wave emo bands who do that shit. Like, “Do whatever you want but I thought we were past this.” Even, like, listen to a blues song. Some of the stuff they said in blues songs didn’t really age all that well, and they already said all the shit you’re trying to say, so don’t beat a dead horse. I really love the cover for Waiting and I think it captures a lot of the album’s energy. How’d you decide on that picture? Josh: That was all Sean [Rhorer], our label guy. We basically had a vibe in mind, and sent him a bunch of pictures or album covers like that and said, “Let’s find a guy who can do that.” He was like, “Yeah, I can do that.” [laughs] Also, we’re big fans of Dischord and Jade Tree, so there was a lot of “How do we make it look like this, but not look like it’s from 1989?” We wanted to update that style and Sean was like, “I can do that.” I’m not ashamed to say there’s Promise Ring records, Texas Is the Reason, Fugazi, Hoover, Dischord stuff that we all loved and wanted to draw on. If you had a time machine, and you went to visit Late Bloomer circa self-titled era and you brought Waiting with you and played it, how do you think you’d all feel about it? Neil: Like, if 2018 us played the record for 2013 us? Yeah. Neil: I would be stoked on it. Josh: I would feel like this is where I wanted to go anyway, so I would kill 2018 us and put out Waiting in 2013. [laughs] Neil: Yeah we’d throw away that other record we wrote. Josh: We’d do like a Back to the Future thing where the record disappears as we’re holding it in our hands. This is where we had wanted to go anyway, but we didn’t have the funds or the insight. Neil: We hadn’t been a band long enough. Alright, last one. You mentioned them a lot, so I’ve got to ask: what’s your favorite Fugazi record? Josh: In on the Kill Taker. Neil: I’d say The Argument. --- Please consider supporting us so we can keep bringing you stories like this one. ◎ https://chorus.fm/interviews/late-bloomer/