#I love the world ending stories where everyone has to band together to overcome the villain

[lovely-bellflower]

I wanna see a story about how once upon a time forever ago, Stephanie was a pregnant teen who had to give up her child for adoption. I need a modern comic that talks about that.

So many of the sensitive subjects comics used to talk about is no longer referenced or used. Like how numerous characters had families with drug addictions or they had addictions themselves. I want to read about how that affects them today as adults or in how they treat others such as civilians that may have the same problem.

I don’t believe for a second either Barbara, Bruce, or Tim don’t keep a subtle eye on the baby as it’s growing up acting like a guardian angel from afar. So much personal connection between characters’ past with their present and how they treat civilians has been lost and I feel like a lot of stories suffer for it

[c-e-d-dreamer]

I know I answered in that ask game about how Rhysand is a bad High Lord (aka bad at his job), but the more I thought about it, the more I realized it's just a world building oversight of SJM. It seems, to me at least, pretty clear that SJM loves to give characters tragic backstories or tragedies to overcome without fully thinking through the implications and big picture of what she's creating.

Like, you have Illyria, this brutal, sexist place. And Rhys's mother suffered there until his father swooped in and saved her, and his mother's trauma is still something he shoulders. And Cassian's mother also suffered there to the point it literally killed her and he was thrown into the snow and forced to fend for himself without a scrap of anything. And even Azriel's trauma is rooted in this terrible, awful place. And it's this big triumph that they banded together and they conquered Ramiel, that they escaped and are now living the dream in Velaris.

And that's great and beautiful... in a bubble. But Illyria is still there. It's still brutal. They overcame these tragedies but the tragedies now still exist for everyone else once you step back and look at the big picture. That's the implications created with these backstories.

It's the same for the Hewn City! You have this horrific place where Mor rarely saw sunlight because she was stuck underground. Where women are literally auctioned off into marriages where they're beaten and worse. And it's so great that Mor overcame that, that she got out and was a dreamer who escaped. But again, by creating this horrific place, it implies all those horrible things are just... Still happening. SJM gave Mor this beautiful story of rising out of that but what does that mean for all the other women?

You even see it in Velaris. SJM has Nesta in a literal rock bottom to reflect her figurative rock bottom, and isn't it so great she's able to pull herself out of that? But okay, you've now created a seedy, slums of Velaris full of sketch people and run down houses and awful taverns in order to do that...

Honestly, even Feyre's book 1 story shows this oversight. SJM gives her this tragic life and these horrible sisters and all this hardship for her to overcome. For her to find happiness and a better life and a real family in Prythian. And again, a beautiful story in a bubble. But then she brings back the sisters into the story and wonders why so many people hate them and don't care about Nesta's or Elain's own journeys.

And I know this is rambley and ranty, but the way I just want to shake SJM and her editor. Like please. I don't need crazy, intricate and detailed world building, but at least think it through a bit more.

Tragic backstories are all fun and games until you've now ended up with a High Lord who looks like he's absolutely terrible at his job and taking care of his Court...

[kyberconfessions]

No Matter Where You Go, I Will Find You. Part 4

Hello All! Sorry for the delay! My Hubby and I have had a busy month of July and I wasn’t able to keep to my schedule like I wanted too. Sorry about that. From Baseball games to Comic-Cons to Disney trips, we’ve been stupid busy. I am working furiously on the other chapters and hope to at least have some words on Cody soon! Y’all, not going to lie, the fact that there has been ZERO mention of him on The Bad Batch is killing me.

As Always:

This will eventually be a 18+ older fic and deals with anxiety, death, sex,  PTSD, murder, loss, found family, Order 66, and coming to terms. This is not just a fluff fic. It will very much be dealing with very dark and hard themes, so please, if that is something that can be too hard for you, don’t read.

Pairings: Rex x Reader x Cody (polyamory) I should say this is NOT a Rex x Cody fic. There will be ZERO Clonecest on this blog or story. Reader is a consensual relationship with Rex and with Cody. Yes they share, yes they will eventually have sex together, but Cody and Rex are NOT in a relationship nor will they be intimate.

Rating: 18+

TW: Death, Murder, infanticide, death of the Jedi, PTSD, Loss, Anxiety, eating disorders, sleep disorders, Order 66. I will add other things as I think about them

Part 4: It’s You.

You waited with your back to the door on Hondo's ship; another one was docked right outside, carrying the crew that had something either of you wanted. You took a deep breath, adjusting your blaster in your thigh holster and checking over your clothes before putting on your helmet. The base of it was a black Ubese helmet, edged with black dyed bantha hair and painted to resemble a Kaleesh skull in white.  The edges of the white skull were rimmed in a dark red and the faux eyes were painted an electric green, almost making them glow.The breather of the helmet was pointed down, tapering at the end and etched with designs reminiscent of a certain Kel Dor. Twin points also came down from the sides,  once again resembling a Kel Dor breather, but painted to look like the fangs of the Kaleesh skull. When you wore it, you were an incredibly fearsome sight to behold. 

Hondo had stepped out of the cockpit while brushing off his clothes, but when he saw you he went on and on in a poetic manner making you snort behind your mask, "Pretty Lady must you put on that horrid thing? How am I supposed to gaze upon your beautiful Visage? How am I to write songs of your shiny eyes if you insist on covering them? How am I to chant loudly into the heavens about the glory of your smile when all I see is that ugly thing staring back at me?" 

The sound that came out of the modulator was a loud crack of static. It wasn't lost on him though, and he waggled his brow at you, knowing he made you laugh.

"Hondo, one of these days I'm going to launch you out of an airlock. Then you'll be Wild Space's problem."

He laughed loudly, but before he could give a retort, the door-lock opened and the crew from the other ship began to board.

Immediately the hair on your neck stood up and your hackles raised. It was time to go into heartless bounty hunter mode, another mask that became easier and easier for you to put on.

Hondo noticed your posture change and went to greet whoever had come aboard, stepping in front of your turned back. Whether it was to hide his best and most terrifying asset or to put space between you and them for your sake, you never knew. You liked to think it was his way of still protecting you, even after all these years. It probably was.

"My friends! My friends! So good to see you again! Ezra Bridger! It has been too long!" 

You heard the cacophony of voices greeting him in a less than enthusiastic excitement. If these people were your friends, you would have laughed again. But you didn't have friends.     From the sound of it, there were four people behind you. Nothing difficult to take down, but not something you should be careless with. There was something off about one of them though, you couldn’t put your finger on it, but they were...familiar.

"Allow me for introductions! This tall, imposing creature behind me is my associate, bodyguard, smuggler, chief pilot, chief mechanic, artistic muse, platonic soulmate, oldest friend, and beautifully deadly bounty hunter, all rolled into one.  And this band of colorful characters are the crew of the infamous Ghost!" Hondo waved his hands in a grandiose manner between the group and your back; this was a well rehearsed situation that you both had done several times, though for whatever reason, he decided to over exaggerate your titles. Normally he would do the talking and you would scare the clientele. And if you had too, if they had something that you knew belonged to them, you'd kill them. Nothing would keep you from the last remnants of the ones you loved and lost.

"Ahh, Hondo? Does your associate have a name? Or talk? Are they even awake? Are they just going to stand there?" You heard a boy's voice, a cockiness only found in the young lacing every word. 

"Ezra." A woman, probably someone important, chastised the boy.

You waited for Hondo's signal for you to turn, but the door opened once more and you heard one more set of boots and something soft, furry, stepping across the steel. A voice spoke. A Lassat. Dangerous creatures, you had seen a few when you were still a young Padawan with your old Master. Before the war. Before they died. Back when your biggest concern was the eventual Trials. You knew a fight wasn't going to be easy and you hated the idea of killing an already dying race. But you would if you had too.

The Lassat male was arguing with someone about something, but you weren't paying attention.

Hondo touched your shoulder softly, your signal to turn. He had spent the time making pleasantries and lulling them into a false sense of comfort, probably. He could have been talking about the weather on Jakku for all you cared. You were more concerned about making sure the straps on your holsters were open, giving you easy access to draw.

Slowly you moved, letting them see just how dangerous you were, how in control of your body you were, how much they should fear the creature behind the helmet. But, you halted mid spin.

All of the blood drained from your face, your mouth went dry, your throat tightened up, and you were overcome with such anger and gut wrenching sorrow you thought you would snap.

The man that walked in with the Lessat was wearing HIS armor. The armor you had spent 15 years looking for.

You blanked. 

Somewhere there was yelling and cries to stop, but you couldn't make it out. Your head was spinning and it felt like there was cotton in your ears and as tunnel vision took over, everything knocked your senses for a loop. You didn’t realize you were doing it, but you grabbed both your blasters, turned fully, and pointed them at the man. Half the crew jumped out of the way, the others pointed their weapons at you, and Hondo tried to reason with both sides, standing with his back to you while the man had his own blasters trained on your head. Hondo quickly got out of the way of the four barrels, still trying to diffuse the situation. You couldn't understand what he was saying, everything sounded so dull and muted.

No, wait. Those weren't just any blasters. You would know those DC-17s anywhere. 

"HOW DARE YOU!"

 Someone was screaming. You couldn’t tell who it was or where it was coming from. It was garbled and cracking, a mechanical sound. It hurt your head. You just wanted everything to stop, just for a moment. But the world kept spinning and you felt like you were going to pass out any moment. You just wanted everything to be quiet, you needed to think, you just wanted a moment to figure out what was going on. Why was it so loud? Why did everything hurt? You just wanted everyone to just be still. Just be still, if only for a second. 

You could feel your breathing pick up, that tightening fear in your chest, that ache that gripped your heart and threatened to pull it from your body. ‘Just be quiet, please, please, be quiet. I can’t...I need to think, I need to think..’

"HOW DARE YOU WEAR HIS HELM!” More screaming,  “DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO HE WAS?! DO YOU?! HOW DARE YOU WEAR HIS ARMOR AS YOUR OWN! HOW DARE YOU STAND THERE AND KNOW NOTHING OF HIM!" Maker, the screaming was coming from you. You were yelling at him, venomous spit falling from your mouth, words meant to shame and kill. Your blasters were trained on his chest, fingers laying on the triggers. 

"TAKE IT OFF OR I WILL RIP IT FROM YOUR BROKEN CORPSE!"

You could feel something wet on your cheeks but you didn't know what it was or where it came from.  Did this man kill Rex?! Did he rip his beloved armor from his broken body? Did he leave him to rot in some cursed field? Or did he just take it from his already forgotten skeleton? Your heart beat a mile a minute, you were sweating and your whole body shook in anger, but your hands never wavered, blasters trained perfectly on the man. How dare this cretin dishonor Rex, dishonor his memory. 

"YOU WILL NEVER INSULT HIS MEMORY AGAIN! TAKE IT OFF!!"

You were panting and your modulator was straining under the volume of your voice.

No one lowered their weapons. No one spoke. No one moved a muscle. All that could be heard were your wheezing sobs through the helm.

 There was a beat. And then another. And then the man did something unexpected.

You just knew you were going to have to kill everyone. You just knew you were going to peel bloodied, beloved armor from some backwater nothing. 

But when he slowly lowered his arms, holstering the DC-17s, you faltered. Was he giving up so easily? Perhaps he didn't want bloodshed after all. Good. But it didn't make you lower yours. Nor did it make the others lower theirs.

Slowly, like he was trying to coax a scared lothcat, the man raised his open hands to the old helm covered in hatch marks with jaig eyes and pulled it off. 

First you saw weathered skin tanned from the sun, a white beard trimmed nicely, then a strong nose and finally golden eyes, eyes you had seen a million times before. Eyes that haunted you every time you went to sleep. Eyes you thought you would never see again.

When he had taken the helm completely off and tucked it under his arm, he spoke. And everything inside of you shattered.

"My name is Rex. Captain of 501st regiment in the Grand Army of the Republic. This is my armor that was issued to me almost 20 years ago. I don't know who you think I am, but I can assure you, this is my armor."

The others watched you, weapons trained. No one moved, no one spoke, no one breathed. You, on the other hand, felt everything rushing back at you full force. When he spoke, his voice was a punch to your gut, knocking the wind out of you, causing you to hyperventilate.  Your blasters, still trained on him, began to shake violently in your hands.

You were panting and your eyes blurred from all of the new tears. Panic rose high in your throat, cutting off your breathing. It can’t be. How could it be? He died. The Empire recorded him dying after Mandalore. You were there, you saw the absolute destruction. No one survived that.

Involuntarily you dropped your weapons and they clattered loudly to the durasteel ground, but your arms were still stretched out, still holding onto phantom guns. 

You inhaled sharply, your modulator cracking in a loud hiss. Slowly, trying to control the tremors that wracked your body, you moved your hands to your own helm and unlatched the buckles on the sides. There was another hiss as the airtight seals released the pressure and vented.

"What's going on..." the young boy started. "Hush, Ezra Bridger." Hondo cut him off, silencing him with a hand on his shoulder as you and Rex stared one another down.

You lifted your helm up and then let it fall to the floor, a loud clank shaking the silence between you all.

Rex sucked in a breath and released it in a harsh shudder, his mouth hanging open. "Mesh'la," he whispered; he could feel his knees giving out, causing him to stumble forward and push his way through his crew.

His eyes were as wide as saucers and glistening. Fat, heavy tears tracked down his face and fell into his beard as he reached shaking hands out to you. He paused for a moment, afraid that if he touched you, you would disappear like every dream before. But carefully his hands gripped your face, gently turning it side to side, taking in the scars and faint crows feet and wisps of grey hairs you now sported. Your age and harsh life showed, but you were still just as beautiful, just as ageless, just as perfect as he remembered. Still the same eyes that he dreamed of every night. 

You couldn’t breathe. It felt like all the air had been sucked out of your lungs and every nerve ending burned. You could hear your blood pumping in your ears, creating a painful rush like being thrown under the oceans. Every part of you felt like it was on fire. You couldn’t think, you couldn’t move. Slowly your shaking hands gripped his wrists and held him close. Your body tried to take a shuddering breath, but it only came out as a choked sob while you squeezed your eyes shut.

As the noise left you, Rex pulled you close, his mouth over taking yours in a passionate kiss, full of tongue and teeth. Your hands left his wrists and wrapped around his neck, pulling him closer as he continued to hold your face.

"Rex. I thought....I thought you were...Rex," you whispered into his lips between kisses.

"I searched for you, Cyare. I looked everywhere. I thought you died. I thought Cody.."

Your breath hitched at his name, making Rex pull you impossibly closer. You both stood there, wrapped in eachothers arms, crying, kissing, whispering love to one another, completely oblivious to the others. 

You weren't sure if your knees failed you, or if it were his, but one of you fell to the floor, taking the other with them, still wrapped in each other, crying and holding on for dear life. 

The Twi'lek woman quietly ushered the others, a man and a Mandalorian girl, along with the boy and Lessat, out. Hondo followed behind, a smug smile on his face, ridiculously proud of himself, giving you both much needed privacy.

[mysdrymmumbles]

Do you have a readers guide for where to start reading your fics?

Okay, so. The short answer is to read the Impervious series, because it's in chronological order, and then Of a Feather, because even though it's a soulmate AU, it's mostly what happens. It starts with Twisted Fate.

The longer answer is under the cut.

There is a metric shit ton of little fics that go into the Impervious universe, so I'm gonna list these chronologically.

Impervious Canon

Shadowlands Prelude Stuff that happens in the Shadowlands before most members of Impervious are ever born.

Fractured Glass - Zovaal - Zovaal in the Maw, resolving to fuck shit up someday. Part of October Writing Prompts

A Quiet Night - Renathal trying to cheer up his Sire.

Overcoming Guilt - the Accuser rising to power in Revendreth/crushing on the Curator

By Any Other Name - The Curator learning more about the power and point of names

Masks - General Draven - Draven and Kaal guarding a venthyr party. Part of October Writing Prompts

Extra Spice - The Fearstalker - The Fearstalker with her hopebreakers. Part of October Writing Prompts

Blisterback - How Blisterback ended up in the Ember Ward

Card House (Lie) - Devos - Devos' fall from grace. Part of October Writing Prompts

Crumbling - Droman Aliothe - The start of the drought. Part of October Writing Prompts

Social Climb - The Tithelord - The Tithelord gets drawn into Sire Denathrius' plans. Part of October Writing Prompts

Plagued Shadows - Margrave Stradama - The margrave's fall to madness after her house falls. Part of October Writing Prompts

Fear's Fall - The Fearstalker's failure to protect her siblings (the ending bit does jump forward, but eh. I think it belongs here)

The Mortal Coil Prelude The events that happen on Azeroth leading up to the guild Impervious being made.

Twisted Fate - Amaeria Lightswill falling in love with Gryst'lyn Emberdawn

A Simple Tale - The story of how Gregor Smithson died

Lost Souls - What happens when the Scourge sweeps through

A Naive Hope - Mitchell's first attempts to reverse the plague and his death

Dark Heart - Timmons' backstory and how Liila gets her name

The Everfrost Rose - Liila, Haa'aji, and Timmons adventuring Sprocket's introduction. I want to rewrite this one (actually I have, I just haven't typed up my changes), so of all, this is the most skippable

Role Model - Sethyl Sunblade's backstory before he joins the guild

A Bridge Too Far - 3 Billy Goats Gruff parody. Ta'lim just wants to do a public service, but people suck

Impervious The fic that started all my bullshit <3

Impervious - a group of idiots heroes band together to save the world and piss each other off

When the Fuck Does This Happen The side fics that don't quite fit in the timeline, but were fun to write anyway

A Warlock With A Heart - Liila regales everyone of the proof she has that warlocks are not all terrible sociopaths

A Grouch and His Lady - Nathanos just wants a date with his lady

Mortal Infestation in the Shadowlands The Impervious Canon gets a little wonky here, so bear with me.

Of a Feather Chapters 1 -3 - The start of the Shadowlands bullshit for Liila. Most of this is canon, just there is no weird draw, no soulmates. Eridia still wholeheartedly believes in them in the Impervious Canon, it's just in the 'real' version, she's wrong rofl

Grand Old Time - Vole gets laid

Languid Shadows Chapters 1 & 2 - Prince Renathal in the Maw and Liila getting her ass handed to her by Sire Denathrius. Nothing after that is 'canon'

Of a Feather Chapters 4-19 - Again, everything minus the soulmate thing is Impervious Canon. So there would be little differences, but not much.

Tolling Bells - happens around chapter 18 of Of a Feather.

There's more of the October Writing Prompts that fall in with the canon, but I need to get some work done before tomorrow, so I'm gonna leave this here.

Thank you for your interest in my fics <3 <3

[gwynrielendgame]

Gwyncien headcanon

Okay so my headcanon is that Lucien would try to be understanding about Elain and Azriel being together. The mating bond would be the only thing that would make him want to enact the blood duel but he would fight it cause he knows he isn’t owed Elain. Anyways this was the outcome of that.

Gwyn did not know why she was here. She told herself it was for Nesta, but she knew her friend would be occupied with her mate for most of the night. It was true torture to endure this night at the court of nightmares. She insisted that if she couldn't handle the court of nightmares there was no way she could handle the rest of the world. It was a test for herself. She couldn't tell if she were passing or failing though.

"Could definitely be worse." Gwyn whispered back. She tried not to stare. It only made her pathetic she told herself. Luckily though, no one was watching her too closely. No one knew that Azriel and Gwyn were mates which meant they weren't over analyzing the situation right along with Gwyn. When she had dreamt of finding a mate, she never imagined this. The way the bond could actually hurt Gwyn was almost too much to bear. No wonder mates never rejected each other. Gwyn had been so lost in her head, she hadn't noticed Lucien approaching her.

"You look beautiful tonight, Gwyn." The male gave her a shy smile before bowing. Gwyn frowned while looking down at herself. She was wearing her priestess robe with the hood pulled down to cover most of her face for once. She wasn't sure what he was playing at, but decided to play along. Anything to distract her from that wretched couple. Only then did it hit her that perhaps he was doing the same.

"Thank you. To what do I owe the pleasure of your company?" Gwyn lifted her hood off her head and smiled at the red head. Similar in color to her own hair.

"I was hoping for a dance." He held out his hand. His smile turned more confident. He truly was handsome even with that terrible scar running down half his face.

"I don't know how to dance." Gwyn didn't want to make a fool of herself, especially when Azriel and Elain looked so graceful together.

"I'll lead. Don't worry. I won't do anything crazy." He sent her a smirk that told her he would, in fact, do something crazy.

"Okay." She found herself agreeing. Emerie sent her a wide look while nudging her. Gwyn sent a casual smile back. Lucien would never hurt Gwyn. She had over heard the story from Feyre herself. Lucien was one of few males who understood her pain.

He led her off to the floor and swept her into the ongoing waltz. He was close, closer than she had let any male before. Yet there was still a respectable distance between them for a dance. He kept his hand high on her back and she knew it would never veer from that spot. Her heart picked up out of conditioned fear. She took a deep breath to calm herself. He would not hurt her. They were slow and clumsy, but they were dancing which was surprising enough for Gwyn. She figured she would have stepped on his toes by now.

+

Azriel tried to ignore the mate bond as it tugged sharply. It didn't help that his shadows were angry about the situation as well. He kept making brief glances as his mate ineloquently danced along with the autumn lord. He knew Lucien was doing this on purpose. Azriel was unaware how the other male learned of his ties to Gwyn, but this was Lucien's payback for Elain and damn did it make Azriel feel guilty.

"What's wrong?" Elain spoke quietly. She glanced up at him through her lashes before focusing back on the dancing. She looked beautiful tonight, opting for red instead of black which he had to admit suited her much better. He hadn't told Elain that the mating bond snapped into place for Gwyn and him a little over two months ago. He didn't know how to tell her, although if anyone could understand, it was Elain.

"Just keeping surveillance." Azriel wished he had his shadows right now, so that they could keep track of Gwyn. Unfortunately, they still disappeared around Elain. He thought that had been a good thing. Now he wasn't so sure. "What is it like to watch Lucien dance with someone else?" He couldn't help but wonder if it felt the same for her as it did for him. He felt miserable yet had no right to be. Gwyn gave him an option. He just hadn't realized how insistent this bond would be.

"Uncomfortable." Elain decided after a long pause. "I don't really know him, so I should feel indifferent. But I can feel the bond tugging as though it's mad at me." He hadn't expected her to be so honest. He appreciated it anyways. Azriel did know Gwyn though. She was his friend which could be the reason the bond is much more painful than a mere uncomfort. He twirled Elain once more before she announced she was tired of dancing. They both retreated back to the dais where their friends were joking.

"It's not funny." Nesta groaned with a scowl gracing her face. Feyre, Rhys, and Mor were all laughing.

"What's not funny" Elain asked looking towards her oldest sister. Mor decided to answer when Nesta refused.

"It appears that the first man to pique the priestess's interest also happens to be the man that annoys the shit out of Nesta." Amren drawled after taking a seat. A bloom of anger rocked the bond so hard that Azriel's shadows came to life for a brief second before hiding again. The tight squeeze of Elain's hand into Azriel's let the Shadowsinger know that she felt the same way he did. It angered him to think that the first male to catch Gwyn's eye would be Lucien rather than him.

"It's not like that." Elain squashed any relationship theories right then. "Lucien wouldn't parade another female in front of me like that." While Elain's proclamation was true, it still made him frown. Perhaps Elain felt a little more than just uncomfortable seeing the pair dance. The rest of the group eyed Elain, but it was Feyre who came to Lucien’s defense.

"You refuse to talk to Lucien and are in a public relationship with our spymaster, Elain," Feyre was frowning as she spoke. "I think he can ask Gwyn, of all people, to dance with him." She finished by rolling her eyes at Elain. Azriel didn't like the insinuation Feyre made but kept it to himself all the same. The conversation quickly cut off as the group watched the pair end the dance with a bow.

+

"It sucks, doesn't it? Watching them be happy together?" Gwyn eyed Lucien. He couldn't know. Gwyn refused to tell anyone, mainly out of embarrassment. She supposed that didn't mean Azriel kept quiet though.

"I'm unsure I understand." She would play dumb for all it was worth. It made Lucien chuckle. He twirled her before pulling her back and continuing the conversation.

"I guessed you two were mates awhile ago. But you confirmed it for me tonight. You watch him like I watch Elain." He gave a sad smile before twirling her again. "I'm surprised he rejected you though. Azriel has been waiting more than 500 years for a mate."

"Not for A mate." Gwyn snapped. She couldn't control her rising anger. Not when it came to the mate bond. "He waited 500 years for the mate bond to snap in place with Mor and then Elain." She used her mind-stilling to calm herself. Lucien watched her intently with his one russet eye.

"He didn't technically reject me." Gwyn started the story she hadn't uttered to anyone before. "I knew he was still hung up on Elain though when the mate bond snapped into place. I told him I didn't want him to feel forced into this. So if he wanted to be with Elain, I wouldn't hold any resentment." Gwyn chuckled along with Lucien at that. The mate bond was not as forgiving. Gwyn hadn't realized how painful it would be to watch him with Elain when she uttered those words to him.

"The bond can be a fickle thing can't it?"

"Why didn't you challenge him to the blood fight? You had every reason to?" Gwyn couldn't stop herself from asking. She was glad he hadn't. It still didn't make sense to her though.

"Besides the fact that he would kill me and Elain would feel that pain? Would finally understand the true torture of the mating bond? Same reason you told him he could be with Elain. I don't want someone to be with me out of obligation." He twirled her once more and she was suddenly overcome with such sadness for the autumn lord. He deserved a mate that chose him. His eyes softened as they made eye contact again. Neither said a word for a solid minute.

“You are quick to underestimate yourself. Is that on purpose or do you truly believe you would lose?” Gwyn believed that at the very least, Lucien would put up one hell of a fight. He was raised by high lord Beron of all people, who was known for his cruelty. A sly smile quirked Lucien’s mouth.

“You’re the first to call me out on that.” It wasn’t technically an answer, but it told Gwyn all she needed to know. He allowed everyone to underestimate him. To believe he is only proficient in fighting. It should have made her nervous, but for some reason it had her laughing.

“I would love to see you kick Azriel’s ass.” It would be the kick to his ego that he needed quite honestly. Lucien laughed before a round of silence fell over them. Lucien was the first to break it.

"You could come with me. We call ourselves the band of exiles. It's just Jurian, Vassa, and I, but it would be better than watching their love story unfold." She was shocked by the invitation. She knew her face showed it as well. She knew she couldn't accept. At least not right now. She didn't want to leave Nesta and Emerie. She didn't want to stop her Valkarie training. The song was coming to an end and Gwyn knew that as soon as it did that this conversation would have to end with it.

"I have something I want to do." Lucien's brows furrowed in confusion, so she elaborated further. "I want revenge. But I'm not ready yet. Would this invitation still extend when I am ready?" Her voice was unsteady due to nerves. She hadn't mentioned her revenge plan to anyone before. A gleam entered Lucien's eye. He knew what she wanted and he would support her through it. The song ended causing Lucien to step away from Gwyn and bow once more.

"I'll be waiting." And then he was walking away. Gwyn floated back to the dais, to her spot by Emerie. She was so lost in her new plans, new plans that Lucien helped establish that she hadn't realized the entire inner circle staring at her. Including Elain and Azriel. Both had unreadable expression but both made her skin crawl uncomfortably. One of Azriel's shadows whipped out at her, barely grazing her wrist. It barely stung, but enough for Gwyn to know the shadows were upset with her. She frowned at them.

"What?" Redness rushed to her cheeks at the attention. She knew it wasn't good attention either.

"What was that about?" Nesta inclined her head to the dance floor. Gwyn didn't want to talk about it especially in front of the inner circle.

"He asked me to dance so I said yes." Gwyn shrugged as though it meant nothing. Truly the conversation had meant a lot to Gwyn. Finally being able to talk about it to someone lifted a weight that she hadn't known was there from her shoulders.

"Is that why you were making goo goo eyes at him?" Emerie teased while nudging her. Gwyn didn't see why this was being openly joked about. Azriel and Elain only went public with their relationship a month ago. Before then the entire inner circle was sure that this would cause war. Gwyn chanced a glance at Azriel, but his face gave nothing away. She looked to his shadows because she knew that those were much harder to control around her. Unfortunately the shadows had disappeared.

"Lucien is my friend." The words were colder than Gwyn had meant, but it turned the teasing air into awkward silence. Nesta and Emerie were searching Gwyn's face for any tells. They came up empty though. It was Rhysand to respond next.

"Sorry Gwyn. We weren't trying to imply anything." His words were kind but it only made Gwyn's face flame brighter. Of course they wouldn't imply anything like that with her. It reminded her of how they all see her. Trauma first. Person second.

She wondered if any of them, besides her two sisters, would ever look at her and see anything other than that day in Sangravah. She peeked a glance back at Lucien and saw him for what he could be. A fresh start. He knew about her experiences, but he wasn't there that day. He didn't see with his own eye what they had done to her. Perhaps Azriel's rejection was a blessing in disguise. Azriel himself had saved her that day. Maybe one look at her face and he found himself back in Sangravah, lifting her weak body into his arms. Before she could sink too far into the memories, she felt the mate bond being tugged at. Her eyes snapped to Azriel's where he was already staring softly back. It only fueled her anger though. She knew he had done it to pull her away from those memories but he had no right. He didn't get to use the mate bond unless he wanted to be with her.

"Stop looking at me like that." It was meant for Azriel, but applied to most of the group as well. Gwyn pulled her hood up and turned back to the dance floor. Her silent way of telling them to fuck off. She felt Emerie link their arms together. Nesta found herself on Gwyn's other side, grabbing her hand.

"I swear if you like Lucien I'll rip all my hair out." Nesta muttered in her ear. It had Gwyn laughing out loud. She gripped her friend's hand harder.

"I'd expect nothing less."

[amygdalagustd]

Kim Namjoon on Identity

Namjoon explores the concept of identity time and time again in his life and in his music. He tends to focus on how different parts of himself might be in conflict with each other, and the tensions and confusion that goes with that experience. People are filled with duality, sometimes to the point that it tears us apart. The question of “who am I?” seems a simple one, but underneath it lies a lot of complexity. Who do I want to be? Who do other people want me to be? How much of my identity is formed by my past? Can I change who I am? Can I be multiple things at the same time? Who is the real me? What does it even mean to be the real me?

The question of “who am I?” seems to both fascinate and terrify Namjoon. In this essay we will tackle the question together as I explore all the different ways that Namjoon contemplates identity in lyrics and interviews.

From his decision to become a rapper in the first place to the struggle of taking care of himself as a world famous idol to the questioning of what having an identity actually means, we will travel through Namjoon’s career and highlight all the moments that he asks himself:

“Who the hell am I?”

It’s no secret that Namjoon was a very intelligent and driven student who got good grades in school. In his earlier lyrics he often writes about the pressure that was put on him to succeed and follow a certain path in life. As someone who was good at studying it was expected of him to prioritize his education above all else. Namjoon fit into that role well, but behind the scenes his heart was longing for music. He discovered rap and decided that he wanted a different path for his life. BTS’s early work is filled with messages of following your dreams and not letting other people decide what type of life you want to live. Namjoon often talked about the struggles of living in between the expectations of those around him and his own desires for his future. Some of those conflicting feelings are expressed in Voice, the intro song to his 2015 mixtape RM:

Straight A student and underground rapper

I occupied myself all day with being graded with meaningless numbers like beef gets graded

I just wanted to succeed

because that’s the only thing I was told by others so much that I almost got sick of it

The mirage called happiness- I thought it would be held there

But, sitting at my desk, I was never happy, not for a single moment

I secretly hid a blank sheet of paper between the pages of my study book without my mom’s knowing

My identity that I wrote down along the sound of drums and bass

The feeling of breathing that is different from that of receiving grade reports

Even when I was the top of my class, my mind was never at ease

Is it absolutely necessary to want something that others want?

I secretly raise the volume of my voice

so that you can know, so that it can reach you

I again raise the volume of my voice

so that you can know, so that it can reach you

He also touches on the subject in Born Singer, which was released in 2013:

To be honest, I was scared that I was to prove myself after talking big

that I, who used to know only pen and book, was then to surprise the world

I dunno, that I and the world’s expectations are too asymmetric,

I was scared that I might betray everyone who trusted me

I stretch my burdened shoulders and step onto the very first stage

BTS and Namjoon will continue to talk about the pressure of society's expectations and the difficulty of following your own path in songs like No More Dream, N.O and School of Tears. Fighting back against the oppressive school system is a huge part of their message and mission in their early career. They ask their fans and themselves to look at the person that they are expected to become and question if that image is in line with their own dreams and desires. Namjoon wrestled with this question himself, and therefore has the experience and passion to guide others who might be struggling with their identity and the identity that is put on them.

Idol and artist

The concept of being an idol vs being an artist is one that comes back often in BTS lyrics. Namjoon is an underground rapper who ended up in a boyband, and the identity of being an idol is one that he has wrestled with quite a bit. Can you be both an idol and an artist? Does becoming an idol mean that you have to give up on being an artist? Does it matter if you call yourself an idol or an artist? Does it matter what other people say about it?

Namjoon mentions this conflicting identity in Awakening on his 2015 mixtape RM:

Every night I fight myself inside me

My heart pounds, and my colleagues stab me in the back

saying I became a cripple after going into a company

Yeah fuck you I’m an idol, yeah yeah i’m an idol

I hated it at one time but now I love to get that title

Unlike some keep denying [their identity] to the end on television,

I now fully accept myself, and I just do me

Whether I’m an idol or an artist- it actually never mattered

The way you guys look at me was what defined me

I was obsessed over titles and hung up on how people described me

Listen to the rap of the guy who became a bit smarter as time passed

Namjoon gets shit for being an idol from the underground rap scene and gets shit for being an artist from the idol scene. He is hovering in between, writing his rap lyrics with the power and authenticity of a hip hop artist while simultaneously dancing and looking like a full fledged boyband member. He responds to this dilemma with unwavering pride, the drive to prove himself and a fuck you attitude. This energy dominates a lot of early BTS music. They are still trying to find their place in the industry while not really knowing where exactly they belong. Songs like the Cyphers and Mic Drop highlight the anger they feel about the mistreatment they face from both sides of the industry while boasting about their accomplishments and pride in who they are. Just like Namjoon in Awakening, Yoongi also often mentions his struggles with the identity of being an idol in his solo work. In Idol, the title track of the 2018 album Love Yourself: Answer, BTS face the subject head on:

You can call me artist

You can call me idol

Or you can call me anything else

I don’t care

I’m proud of it

I’m free

No more irony

Because I’ve been me all the time

You can point your fingers at me, I don’t care at all

Whatever reason you have to denigrate me,

I know what I am

I know what I want

I never gon’ change

I never gon’ trade

Why do you talk loud “blah blah”

I do what I do, so mind your own business

You can’t stop me loving’ myself

Idol is a proud, joyful, wonderfully weird and confident self love anthem. It’s a celebration of who BTS are at their core. In the song, they have accepted all the different aspects of their identity and they don’t feel the need to fit in with just one label. In the future, they will go on to say that BTS’s genre is just BTS, and they see no point in categorizing themselves.

RM and Namjoon

In 2018, BTS released a documentary series called Burn The Stage. The series followed them throughout the Wings tour and was supposed to show a more raw version of them.

In episode 6, Namjoon said:

Being an idol star, you don’t have a choice but to have two identities. I invested a lot in my identity as BTS and RM, and this is really a dilemma. We need to find ways to overcome this, and I’m trying different things. I study, I read books. I need time to be wholly me, the original me that I know.

Everyone in BTS has a stage name, a person they become when they present themselves in front of their fans. On stage Namjoon is RM, a fierce and confident rapper, a powerful and charming performer, a dependable leader and someone who lives a fiery and intense life.

Behind the scenes, Namjoon is Namjoon, a man in his twenties who is trying to figure out how to be an adult just like everyone else. He likes to go on bike rides, take care of plants, go to museums, read books and spend time in nature. He gets lazy and reads webtunes for 5 hours straight and sometimes argues with the people around him because they annoy him.

Namjoon spends the years of his youth as part of BTS, in the public eye, and sometimes that causes tension between these different parts of himself; the stage persona and the private person. In Break The Silence: The Movie which came out in 2020, there was a lot of talk about identity. During one of Namjoon’s segments he said:

There is also the fear of how well I’m taking care of myself, the Kim Namjoon as a person. Aside from money, fame, and a sense of calling, what do I really have? When you have those things all other things start to feel really valuable. Those who don’t have them would find them really special. I think it’s a repetition of that, so for me, there is a fear about whether I’m faithfully living the story of my life to the fullest.

He also mentions this dilemma in Airplane pt.2 on the 2018 album Love Yourself: Tear where the lyrics go:

Who should I live as today, Kim Namjoon or RM?

25, I still don’t know how to live well

For Namjoon and anyone in BTS, there is no simple answer to this question, as the nature of their job puts them in a position that makes it hard for them to develop a sense of self outside of the work they are doing. Even though Namjoon is part of an incredibly successful band, that doesn't mean he got it all figured out. As he has poured his youth and his energy into becoming the best performer he can be, he now feels like the Kim Namjoon behind the scenes deserves some energy and space to exist too.

Rap Monster and RM

Before Namjoon was RM, Namjoon was Rap Monster, a stage name that he used until November of 2017. The name Rap Monster fits the fierce and somewhat angst-ridden style of music that Namjoon was making in the beginning of his career. He decided to move on from the name in 2017 because it was no longer representative of him and the music that he was making.

In an interview with Entertainment Tonight Namjoon said that RM could stand for many things. He mentioned Real Me as one of the possibilities, but seems to prefer not to pin one specific meaning to the name.

In another interview with J-14 Magazine when asked what kind of advice he would give to himself in 2013, he said:

Hey Namjoon, Don’t name yourself Rap Monster. You’re a human. You’re not a monster. You’re a beautiful human.

Namjoon has often said that one of his missions in life is to love himself. This struggle to love himself often reflects in his lyrics, and now also in his decision to change his stage name, as the old one had some negative connotations to it. Perhaps Namjoons struggle with self acceptance, self worth and self love is one of the reasons that identity is such a big theme for him, as he is trying to figure out how to be a Namjoon that he can love. RM is a stage name that is more aligned with that goal as it leaves more room for flexibility and change.

Map of the Soul

The subject of identity is explored to the fullest in the Map of the Soul era that started with Map of the Soul: Persona in 2019, followed up by Map of the Soul: 7 in 2020.

Map of the Soul is inspired by the ideas of psychiatrist and psychoanalyst Carl Gustav Jung. The words persona, shadow and ego that are used in Map of the Soul come directly from his theory. BTS uses these concepts to examine different parts of themselves and their career over time. A lot of this era feels like a final examination of the question that Namjoon has been asking himself in different ways throughout his entire career: Who am I?

In Intro: Persona, the opener to both albums, Namjoon writes about his journey with identity in the first few lines of the song:

“Who am I,” a question that I’ve been asking myself for my whole life

A question that I will probably never be able to find the right answer for

If I were answerable with only a few words,

God wouldn’t have created all those many beauties

Namjoon realizes that he will probably never have a clear answer to the question of “who am I?” and he accepts that. He recognizes that his identity can’t be summed up by a few words or traits and that this isn’t a bad thing. Sometimes it can feel more secure to build our entire sense of identity around one aspect of ourselves (I am a straight A student, I am an underground rapper) but that puts us in a position without flexibility and without space for growth. As different parts of ourselves clash with each other we end up feeling scattered, unsure of who we are, and angry at ourselves. It’s only when those different parts of ourselves are allowed to co-exist that we can find peace and a true sense of self.

BTS will talk about this idea in other songs too, like in Idol, where Taehyung sings:

There are tens and hundreds of myself within me

Today, I greet my another self

They are all me after all,

so I just run rather than worrying

The notion also comes back in the speech that BTS held for the United Nations in 2018. The final message of that speech was to find your name and find your voice by speaking yourself. There was a lot of talk about losing your identity as a young child in favor of fitting in, and Namjoon encouraged everyone to be their own person and to find their own voice back. Throughout the speech he mentions how he is both an idol and artist, Kim Namjoon and RM, and also just an ordinary 24 year old guy. He is saying that he can be many things at once and strives to love all those different parts of himself at the same time.

In the final verses of Intro: Persona, Namjoon boldly and confidently claims that he is no longer ashamed of the different parts inside of him, writing:

Yeah my name is R

The ‘me’ who I remember and who people know

The ‘me’ who I created by myself to speak my mind

Yeah, I might have been deceiving myself, I might have been lying

But, I’m not ashamed of it, this is the map of my soul

The lyrics continue, focusing on duality, complexity and balance within his identity, accepting the different parts of himself that coexist together even if they clash:

Dear myself

You must never lose your temperature

because you don’t need to be warm or cold

Though I might sometimes pretend I’m good and sometimes pretend I’m evil,

this is the barometer of my direction that I want to set

The ‘me’ who I want to be

The ‘me’ who people want

The ‘me’ who you love

And the ‘me’ who I craft

The ‘me’ who’s smiling

The ‘me’ who’s crying sometimes

Living and breathing every second, every moment, even now

Within these lyrics there is a tone of direction and intent rather than one of being lost and questioning. This tone is very strong throughout the entire Map of the Soul concept, especially in ON, suggesting that maybe “finding” your identity isn’t about anxiously defining every single part of your personality, it’s more about choosing who you want to be and boldly pursuing the world as an incomplete human being. In the end, there is no simple answer to the question of “who am I?” and that’s okay.

All lyrics translations come from Doolset. Visit the website for additional notes and interpretations of BTS lyrics.

[caramelcal]

heartbreak girl

Word Count: 2.7k

a/n: ik i have requests to write (i am writing them don’t worry !) but i got super inspired when i was listening to my bbys 5sos

the luke hemmings / luke patterson comparison videos ive seen are my favourites, love it when two fandoms collide lollll

disclaimer: i do not condone plagiarism on my work at all, this has not been posted on any other platforms, or on tumblr anywhere else but my account (rosemoonmist) if you see anyone plagiarizing mine (or anyone else’s work for that matter) please inform the rightful author ! thank you lovelies x 

masterlist

You call me up It's like a broken record Saying that your heart hurts That you'll never get over him getting over you And you end up crying And I end up lying 'Cause I'm just a sucker for anything that you do

You couldn’t stop playing the video. Ever since it was sent you from a random number, you couldn’t stop crying. The video was barely ten seconds long, but it was ten seconds that broke your heart. There your boyfriend was, clear as day, kissing a girl that wasn’t you.

It isn’t long before you heard the front door open and slam behind someone, reminding you of who you told to come over. Luke, your best friend since you guys met in the sandpit at six years old. When he accidentally pushed you in, so you kicked him in the nuts. You guys had been inseparable ever since.

Luke was your best friend, and you were his. You guys had been through everything together. When he first learned guitar, when you did gymnastics, when he joined a band, when you guys first went to high school, and now, your first heartbreak.

“y/n?” He calls from downstairs, looking around the dark room. He had learned from a young age to just come into your house without knocking, your house was his second home after all.

Of course, you do have a few female friends that you could have called but none of them knew you as well as Luke did and you knew Luke would be there with you through everything. He would understand. He would comfort you better than any girl ever could. You walked down the stairs, trying to keep your sobs in but once you caught eyes with Luke, the tears started to fall.

“Luke,” You let out, looking at the boy barely keeping yourself together.

“y/n/n, what’s wrong?” Luke questions, eyes wracking over your defeated posture before looking up at your puffy red eyes. It was clear you had been crying, but why?

“He- he-,” You cut yourself short, letting back a choked sob as you land at the bottom of the stairs, Luke walking closer to you, his face looking at you with concern, “Luke he was with another girl, he cheated-”

Mind wracking back over the video, you broke down into tears, falling into Luke’s now open arms. Suddenly, once you're in the arms of your best friend all of your walls come crashing down and you start to cry louder, letting out every emotion you felt that night. The sadness, betrayal, and overall heartbreak.

Luke holds the back of your head soothingly as you cry into his chest, playing softly with the hair on your head. By this point, he is supporting all of your weight but he doesn’t mind as he lifts you over to the couch, allowing you to continue crying in a more comfortable position than the awkward standing position you were in moments before.

Whilst Luke was sad hearing you cry, he was overcome with anger.  The fact that the scum would cheat, on you of all people. You were amazing, perfect even, so why would someone ever give away the chance of being with you? He knew he wouldn’t. Luke knew how much you loved and cared for the boy, Jack, and to see him cheat on you, he couldn’t help but be furious.

If he was being honest, the thing he wanted more than anything right now was to hook him right in the face. Punch him right where he stood, busting open his face so that no other girl would ever want to kiss him again. It’s what he deserves. Luke knew he was probably being a bit overprotective, but that didn’t matter to him, what mattered was that you were okay right now.

The last thing you needed in your state of fragility was Luke leaving you by yourself to set into the dickhead. Oh no, that could be done another time when you weren’t crying. What you truly needed right now was his comfort, so that’s what he gave you. He held you close, not even saying anything but hugging you closely, silently reminding you that he was here for you and always would be as you softly lulled into a sleep.

And when then phone call finally ends You say "Thanks for being a friend" And I'm going in circles again and again

I dedicate this song to you The one who never sees the truth That I can take away you hurt Heartbreak girl Hold you tight straight through the daylight I'm right here, when you gonna realise That I'm your cure? Heartbreak girl

Walking down the hall, Luke’s eyes catch onto you. Even though he’s been with you all weekend, comforting you after the video you saw on Friday, just looking at you is a sad reminder of how you are doing. A frown has fallen onto your face whilst you look over at something. Following your gaze, Luke finds him, Jack, with his arm wrapped around the girl in the video.

He wants to punch that stupid smirk off Jack’s face, then they’ll see who’s truly laughing. When Luke’s eyes drift back over to you, he feels his stomach dropping slightly. The look in your gaze makes you look broken, eyes conveying a sense of vulnerability that Luke didn’t think was possible. Maybe it’s just because Luke knows you better and knows how to read you better than everyone else, but he notices all of the changes in you. He sees how your eyes lacked the sparkle they usually had, your usual smile not present, even your outfit seemed a little dull. Nonetheless, you’re still gorgeous, Luke thinks so, but you look different; less lively.

All of this heartbreak just because of a stupid boy. One stupid hard-headed jock that doesn’t know how to truly value the important things in his life. The stupid jock that didn’t know how much you were truly worth.

Luke knows he could treat you so much better if you just gave him the chance to. If you looked his way instead of Jack’s. He would hold you close and never let you go, let you know just how much you meant to him and those truly important around you. He would watch you like the only person in the world because you were the only one that mattered. 

He doesn’t even realize he was staring at you until he hears a cough sound from behind him as Reggie puts an arm over his shoulder, smirking, “You’re staring, pal.”

Luke, who’s eyes briefly glanced over towards Reggie when the bassist spoke, glanced back at you quickly, sighing lightly in relief when he realizes you didn’t notice him staring at you. He shrugs half-heartedly, not noticing the knowing look that Reggie gives him as he speaks, “I can’t, Reg. I’m not supposed to like her like this, she’s my best friend.”

“Best friend or not, I see the way you look at her, everyone does but her,” Reggie says before patting his friend on the back.

“She still likes him Reg, and I’ve known her since we were six. She’s been in so many relationships yet she fell for the stupid jock,” Luke says, shaking his head as his fists clench at his sides. He doesn’t realize but his face contorts into anger, making Reggie smirk, “she deserves so much better. She deserves someone who’s going to appreciate her. Someone who will show her how much she means to them-”

“Someone like you?” Reggie asks, making Luke glance at him with an annoyed expression, huffing. Reggie shrugs his shoulders, “Just saying man if anyone knows y/n it’s you. You just gotta be there for her and she’ll realize how much you mean to her. I mean, everyone thinks you guys are meant for each other, soon she’ll see that too.”

I bite my tongue But I wanna scream out You could be with me now But I end up telling you what you wanna hear But you're not ready And it's so frustrating He treats you so bad and I'm so good to you, it's not fair

And when the phone call finally ends You say "I'll call you tomorrow at 10" And I'm stuck in the friendzone again and again

Luke is frustrated. It has been two weeks since his conversation with Reggie, and the hope Reggie had given him for pursuing a relationship was surely fizzling out. Reggie was wrong, that’s what Luke thought anyway. Not only had you not realized how much Luke was bending his back for you, going out of his way to comfort you, being there for you 24/7, you had been so utterly stupid. Jack had given you the most insincere apology known to man, and you were meeting up with him for a date.

It had been forty-seven minutes since you had left, not that Luke was counting or anything and he still hadn’t heard a word from you. No text, no call, nothing. Jack was probably taking up all of your attention with his boring jock stories or his lame jokes. He probably didn’t even compliment you when you arrived and that was practically criminal.

You had been all dressed up when you left, not that Jack would have even noticed, but Luke did. He noticed the way the outfit you wore looked perfect on you, complimenting everything about you and most importantly, how confident you felt in it. You deserved more than a boy that wouldn’t even tell you that you were pretty, Luke knew that, he just wished you did too. 

He paces around his room, feet aggressively hitting the ground. He wanted to punch something, to let out all of the anger and frustration that was itching, begging to be released. Yet, his anger was cut short when he heard his phone start to ring.

“Hello?”

“Lu?” Your voice sounded through his phone, ringing in his ears.

“Y/n?” Luke said in confusion, eyes glancing up at the time, “Aren’t you supposed to be on your date?”

You hesitate to answer, a complete silence hanging in the air until your light sniffles sound through the phone, “He didn’t show, Lu. M-My mom dropped me off, I don’t have my car. Can you come pick me up?”

“I’ll be there in 10, stay there y/n/n.”

Luke ran out of the house.

I dedicate this song to you The one who never sees the truth That I can take away you hurt Heartbreak girl Hold you tight straight through the daylight I'm right here, when you gonna realise That I'm your cure? Heartbreak girl

I know someday it's gonna happen And you'll finally forget the day you met him Sometimes I'm so close to confession I gotta get it through your head That you belong with me instead

Luke couldn’t help but smile at you, hazel eyes meeting your e/c eyes as he strung his guitar expertly. It wasn’t an uncommon occurrence for you to be at band practices, actually, you were at a large amount of them. It was normal for you to watch the band, well that’s what you said you were doing, but you were only really looking at Luke.

You didn’t play any musical instruments properly, but you could play a little guitar from what Luke had taught you. You remembered his teaching you, arms wrapped around you, hands guiding your fingers onto the different frets, playing different cords. He didn’t give up when you messed up, and instead, he smiles and shows you again, your back flushed against his chest.

It was no secret that you always enjoyed watching their band practice and perform, but it was different this time because they had gotten you to stop thinking about Jack. This was the first day that you didn’t feel miserable and instead felt happy in their presence. It was the first day that your gleaming smile returned, one that all members of the band had missed.

Soon enough, they were finished, congratulating each other on how well they played with large smiles.

“We’re gonna sound great at the rally!” Reggie says, flipping his bass down to his side so he didn’t have to hold it as he gave Luke a high five before turning to Alex, all of them breathing heavily with huge smiles.

“Of course, we’re still finishing with the other song, right?” Alex asked, eyes looking over at Luke for approval. He nodded his head, making you look at them in confusion.

“What other song?”

Luke glanced over to you, walking closer before kneeling beside you, guitar still in his hand, smirking “Can’t tell you, it’s a surprise.”

You groaned lightly, flinging your head back before giving the boy your puppy eyes, “Please? I won’t tell.”

He laughed lightly, shaking his head at you. Over the years, he had often been the victim to your puppy eyes, and whilst he often found them irresistible, he knew he couldn’t tell you this secret. He playfully slapped you on the arm, “Get those puppy eyes away, they’re not gonna work today.”

“Fine,” you grumbled, standing up before you stood up alongside Luke, who slung an arm over your shoulder. You guys shared a look, almost communicating through your eyes, something that you guys had gotten freakishly good at since you were kids.

“So, who wants to go grab a smoothie?” Luke said, turning his attention towards the rest of the band as you jumped on his back, ready to leave practice for smoothies.

I dedicate this song to you The one who never sees the truth That I can take away you hurt Heartbreak girl Hold you tight straight through the daylight I'm right here, when you gonna realise That I'm your cure Heartbreak girl

Soon enough, the rally at school came and the students surround the stage that the band was playing on. You stood at the back, proudly watching them as they played. Their most recent song blasts through the halls, exciting the students more than you had seen for the previous people on stage, even Dirty Candy. Sweat drips off of them, lights blazing down on them with intensity.

Eyes looking at Luke, you see him jump around when he sings and it brings a smile to your face. You knew this was their surprise song, the song that they were ending with because it was an unfamiliar tune, but one that Luke was pouring every feeling into as he sang the lyrics.

Suddenly, he’s no longer playing his guitar and it’s hanging on the strap by his side, mic detached from the stand and he’s making his way off of the stage and running through the crowd. You’re astonished, not only because Luke is running off stage, but that it somehow isn’t affecting his vocals.

Everyone seems to knowingly make a path for him to run through, almost as if they know where he is going to. Your eyes stay on him as he comes through the crowd, slowing down to a walk as he begins to sing again,

“I dedicate this song to you The one who never sees the truth That I can take away you hurt Heartbreak girl

Hold you tight straight through the daylight I'm right here, when you gonna realise That I'm your cure? Heartbreak girl.”

His eyes meet yours when he is standing barely feet away from you. His hair is messed up, dripping with sweat but you barely notice. When he stops singing, he lifts the mic away from his face and holds it down away from both of your faces so that it can’t pick up what you’re saying.

People start to talk between themselves, all of them staring at you and Luke standing barely a foot apart, eyes gazing into one another but you don’t notice because you’re too busy looking at Luke. You’re speechless, heart racing faster than you thought humanly possible, with lips slightly apart before he whispers to you, “This is for you, my heartbreak girl.”

Then, his free hand makes its way up and cups your cheek, and his lips connect with yours.

[alightwhendarknessfell]

Album Review: From Filth And Dust - Lilith Czar

First of all, I'd like to say that this album completely blew me away. From Filth And Dust perfectly showcases Lilith's (formerly known as Juliet Simms) vocal abilities and songwriting skills. The lyrics are meaningful, witty, and raw with emotion. The vocals are clean with just the right amount of grit and pair beautifully with the instrumentals. The album tells the story of a woman who has been through hell and back, who has fought battles both external and internal. The sound is pure rock n' roll. It's not a passive album. You can't help but sing along, experiencing all the emotions the songs pack in.

The album cover, music videos, name change, and new look all work perfectly to create a stand-out album in Czar's discography.

Song Breakdown

Intro Poem: I'm a huge fan of albums with intro tracks. I think if done correctly they can really add a lot to an album and set the tone. I really liked this intro, the transition into Feed My Chaos is phenomenal. It does a good job introducing Lilith and the overarching thems of the album.

Feed My Chaos: Easily one of my favorites on the album, this song is, for lack of better words, badass. One of the heavier tracks, it's loud and in your face with hypnotizing vocals. I think this was the perfect full-length track to start the album off with.

King: The message of this song is exactly what the world needs. The lyrics are powerful and meant to ruffle the feathers of any man who thinks women should shut up and stay in their place. The first time I heard this song I remember thinking "wow, that's exactly how I feel". I hate that we live in a world that is male-dominated, where there is an innate privilege in existing in a body that is seen as "male". If that's the way the world is, then I'm not okay just being a "queen" still subservient to a man. I want to be king, equal power, and equal respect. This song perfectly captures that feeling.

Anarchy: Another one of my favorites, I'm a big fan of political songs and messages in rock. The beat of this song and vocals are top-notch. After the past four years of political insanity and the deliberateness in which the rights of oppressed communities were targeted, this song is cathartic. The end of the song really puts the exclamation point on this track; shots, sirens, and a man's voice over a loudspeaker can be heard in the background. It made me think back to last Summer and the volatile state the country was in. Very nice touch to the song.

100 Little Deaths: Another strong rock track, this is a song easily chanted from the top of your lungs driving down the highway. The message of overcoming your personal struggles is an inspiring one. I also think its placement before the next song, 'Lola' was a great choice. The messages flow together quite well and I like the dichotomy of such a hyped-up song being followed by a slower emotional one.

Lola: This song has grown on me a lot, and I really like it. There is raw emotion in Czar's voice which easily takes center place in this track. It'll have you on the brink of tears but also ready to rise up and sing your heart out. Anyone who's ever hit rock bottom and had to fight to find themself again can relate. The is one of the most open tracks on the album and I think that's what makes it so impactful. One of my favorite lyrics from the album is in this song "Time flies by when you're 25 n' about to die"

Edge of Seventeen: Stevie Nick's fan or not, I think everyone has heard this song. There's a risk that comes with covering an iconic and beloved song, and it really paid off for Czar. This is an amazing cover, her voice fits this song very well.

Bad Love: Another one of my favorites, this song is a masterpiece. It's sultry, exciting, and catchy as fuck. The song speeds up on the chorus and then slows back down for the verses; a rollercoaster that you'll have on repeat for days.

In My Head: When this song started I thought "I'm either going to really, really like this song or hate it". It did not disappoint at all. Clearly a song about fighting the demons in well... "in my head". As someone who struggles with mental health and my own thoughts this song hits home. Lyrically this is probably my favorite song as well, I mean "It gets me off like nothing else, no one fucks me like myself" come on, that's just a fucking cool line.

Unholy: Fuck... I love this song. When I saw the title for this track I had really high expectations because I love rock songs that use religious symbolism with just the right amount of blasphemy. This song gave me everything I wanted from it. I've had it on repeat all day. It's a tie between this song and the next for my #1 favorite on the album.

Burn With Me: This song reminds me of Automatic Love Letter (her old band). I love the sound of this song and the lyrics. This is my type of love song for sure. You can't help but dance around the room while singing along. Czar shows off her vocal abilities and control over her voice, hitting notes that make you go "damn- how the fuck did she do that?!?!".

Diamonds to Dust: The perfect closing song, a slower acoustic track that sums the album up and leaves you wanting more. You can literally hear the emotions in Czar's voice, and like Lola, it's a very raw track. Amazingly well done.

I rarely find albums in which I like all of the songs, but this is one of them. None of the songs feel rushed or unfinished, incredibly well done. Anyone who's written Lilith off before should honestly give this album a listen and let it speak for itself. She's an incredibly talented singer, songwriter, and musician and this album is proof of that. I've unfairly judged her and her music in the past, and I'm so glad I decided to give her and her music another chance. I believe in the message of this album and women supporting women. I can honestly say that I love this album and I highly recommend it.

Total rate: 9/10

Top tracks (in my opinion): Unholy, Burn With Me, Bad Love, Lola

[planethell]

On Delain’s Breakup/new direction

Charlotte’s Statment:

Delain has been my world for nearing 16 years, which is half of my life and my entire career. So it is with a heavy heart that I am confirming that Delain will continue as Martijn’s solo project, and my involvement with Delain ends here.

At this time, I know that you might have questions about the ‘why’ in all of this. I fully understand and respect that. Simply put, it is the sad conclusion of more than a year of trying to find solutions to built up grievances. Part of me feels like I’m letting all of you down, I’d like you to know that this decision was not taken lightly and I apologise to those of you who had high hopes of seeing all of us together live on stage again after lockdown. Until recently, I thought this might still be in the cards for us as well.

In the last 15 years we have released music that we have poured our heart and soul into. We have toured the world, rocked so many stages and met so many wonderful fans; I cherish all of that beyond measure. Every eye locked during a lyric, every front row high five, every after show hug (remember hugs?) From the sweaty hole in the wall to the Wembleys, Wackens, and Paradisos of our career. The memories we - band, crew, fans - have made together, will last forever. And in the end, they are more important to me than the differences that we couldn’t overcome, so that’s where I’d like the focus of the narrative to be.

So where do we go from here? Otto, Timo and Joey are also leaving Delain, but will carry on making music with their own projects. Make sure you’re following what they’re up to. I can’t wait to see and hear how they will take the world by storm. Martijn will continue with Delain, and although it may be painful at first to see a Delain that I’m not a part of, I do wish him the very best in this new chapter. Like any relationship, our creative partnership has required work at times, but it has also been incredibly fruitful and I am grateful for all the things that we made together. Finally, I hope that Delain remains a positive force in everyone’s lives. We Are The Others, always will be, and none of this changes that.

As for myself, I’ll keep writing and performing music. It is the thing that gives me joy and purpose. I’m beyond grateful for my amazing community on Patreon, something that was supposed to be a side project from Delain, but will now be the primary place that I release music and create art and community.

This platform allows me to keep creating independently and I am thankful for all patrons that make this possible. I am dedicated to bring you my absolute best, and look forward to making magic with all of you.

I welcome the future with open arms, and I hope to see you on my journey. You can find the latest at http://charlottewessels.nl

With love,

Charlotte

Otto’s Statment:

A year and a day after the last Delain show, it is with heavy heart I inform you all I am no longer part of Delain. Charlotte, Timo and Joey are also no longer part of the band.

I played my very first Delain show in March 2010 in the Garage, London. Almost exactly 10 years later, Timo, Joey and I sent an e-mail to tender our resignation from the band.

Everyone close to us knew that Delain was always a very intense working environment. I could deal with it, because touring with Delain was my biggest passion. And the amazing shows we did, the great fans we had and awesome bands we toured with, all made it worth it. I really started at the bottom when it came to touring, playing for crowds of 10 people, driving thousands of kilometers crammed in a hot and smelly van, and sleeping on the couch at promotor’s houses, so I’ve always been immensely thankful of the level Delain operated on.

In 2018 and 2019 however, the atmosphere in the band deteriorated. This came to an all time low during the 2019 fall tours in the USA and Europe. While these tours were successes in themselves, with great crowd responses, a very good production and amazing road crew, good sales and great (support)bands, it became increasingly clear that Martijn was very unhappy to be on tour, and unhappy about how Delain had developed from his own project, to the band it became. It was obvious to everyone we couldn’t continue in this way.

So now, almost a year after I (and Timo, and Joey,) decided to leave Delain, it’s official. Charlotte is also no longer part of Delain, so Martijn will be continuing Delain on his own. Over the past year I’ve been disappointed, furious, heartbroken, frustrated, and most of all I have just really really missed touring. But as you all know, we all happen to be in that same boat. Around the time we decided to quit, COVID-19 became the monster it is today.

This is by no means goodbye. I may be ‘getting too old for this shit’ but have no intention of retiring! I will definitely do everything to be back on the road whenever COVID-19 measures permit shows again. Meanwhile, I’ll be working on play-through videos and I’ll keep sharing my photography adventures.

A lot of the memories I made over the past 10 years are the very best of my life. I want to thank everyone who was a part of it, Delain fans all over the world, bandmates and road crew, and bands we toured with in particular. I wish Charlotte, Timo, Joey and Martijn the very best in the musical adventures that lay ahead of them. For their stories, check out their and Delain's Facebook statements

Martjin’s Statment:

Delain Goes Back to its Roots.

For the last year or so, the collaboration within the band ceased to work as well as it once had. Some of us were no longer happy with the current roles in the band. We all tried very hard to find a solution for over a year, but sadly we were unable to find one.

As a result, we will all be going our own ways and pursuing our own endeavors. I am very sad our cooperation has come to end, but at the same time I am very grateful for all the years we were able to work together. Together we toured the world, shared highs and lows, and met with many successes as well as times that pushed us to learn and grow. We all enjoyed meeting our fans and making new friends all over the globe. I would like to thank my fellow bandmates and wish Timo, Otto, Joey, and especially Charlotte the very best for the future! And I hope that will mean onwards and upwards to new musical adventures for each of them!

I can’t express my gratitude enough to all of you Delainers that have supported us over so many years. Your dedication to the music and the community you created for us has been overwhelming. Even though this situation is not ideal, change never usually is at first, I hope you will continue to join Delain on its new journey. This is not the end of Delain. It’s the end of a chapter, but also the beginning of a new one.

Timo’s Statment (thanks @hauntedwhispers for telling me where to find this one)

These are the only statements I’ve seen from bandmembers so far, please feel free to add more if/when you see them

[thekillerssluts]

My Relationship to Performance Has Changed

A great rock-and-roll show means openness, confrontation, and a kind of danger, and those ideas right now feel too heavy to lift.

Last October, before the second pandemic wave took off in New York City, I had one last band practice in my backyard in South Brooklyn. Five of us were working on songs from my new solo record. Normally we’d play in the basement, but it’s pretty low-ceilinged, and we’d read Zeynep Tufekci’s recent Atlantic article on viral spread, so we were all hyper-focused on air circulation. My bandmate Sara had contracted COVID-19—and recovered—in March, but the rest of us had no immunity. Besides, we suspected that we were in for a long winter and might as well hang out outdoors.

It was warm in the sun. After hauling the drums, keyboards, keyboard stands, guitars, and amps outside and plugging everything in, I hadn’t wanted to bother setting up microphones, so we had to play softly to hear ourselves harmonize. When we paused for lunch, someone leaned out of a fourth-story window in the apartment building next door and yelled: “Are you done or are you just taking a break? I have things to do, but I really miss live music!” “Me too, man!” I called back. “Should be just a break.”

Six months and a difficult winter later, the break is ending. I’m seeing more and more Instagram posts for shows that aren’t just wishful thinking. Low-capacity indoor shows are popping up in New York. Outdoor—maybe even full-capacity indoor—concerts are coming this summer. Am I ready to play? Ask me every other day and the answer changes. I’m torn. I’m desperate for sound engineers to get back behind the board and bartenders to start earning tips. I want venues to thrive again, both as places for art in neighborhoods and for the sake of the network that keeps music culture alive in America. I want my booking agent to feel excited again; he loves music so much. And I want musicians to make a living. So many people have been so screwed by the past year. I guess I just want everyone to get paid.

But the actual performance; the rebuilding of the sonic cathedral, as Dave Grohl wrote last spring; communally reaching for rock-and-roll transcendance? I’m not there yet. I’m not concerned that I’ll get sick. I received my second vaccine shot at the end of March and am ready to high-five strangers on the subway. My hesitance has an element of crowd-shyness, which we’ll all get over. But in my own performance, I don’t know how to meet this moment. A great rock-and-roll show means openness, confrontation, and a kind of danger, and those ideas right now feel too heavy to lift.

I used to think of performance in purely aesthetic terms. In the movie La Strada, a clown wearing angel wings does a high-wire act across a crowded piazza. For his finale, he brings out a table on the wire and, while balancing, tries to sit and eat a full plate of spaghetti. The heroine of the movie watches him with an almost religious ecstasy. When I first started performing, I strove for transcendence and stupidity, high concept and low art. My focus was on keeping myself in the air.

When my band Arcade Fire was playing mostly to people who hadn’t heard us before, we felt that the best way to get them to open up was to blow the windows and doors out. At an early show in Lawrence, Kansas, my brother, Win, bashed Styrofoam tiles out of the venue’s ceiling with his mic stand. We pushed as hard for an audience of six people (two of them my parents) upstairs at AS220 in Providence, Rhode Island, as we did in front of tens of thousands in the desert at our first Coachella show (during which I accidentally cut Win’s guitar cable in half by repeatedly smashing a cymbal into the ground).

At a certain point, as people got to know our music, my relationship to performance changed. The energy from the crowd was greater than anything coming from the giant speaker stacks. The audience wasn’t a challenge to overcome, or an opponent to conquer. We became a team. Not in an abstract, lovey way but how a sports team operates—pushing one another to do better, sometimes failing, sometimes frustrating one another, sometimes just joking around.The high-wire act of live performance—Will the music come together?—was still there. I’ve even sometimes tried to make the metaphor real, climbing arena scaffolding with a drumstick in my teeth and a drum strapped over my shoulder to play 30 feet in the air. Some of our crew members hate it—“Will! You have children now!”—but climbing up there doesn’t actually feel that dangerous, and a little nervousness is good. I’m reaching for primate simplicity and catharsis: The crowd needs tension to experience release.But now I have no desire to make tension. I want people to feel safe and comfortable, and I wonder whether creating a feeling of danger and openness is antithetical to that. I know that cultivating a perception of safety and actually making people safe are different. On tour, in a big venue, every night our management and local security have a briefing. It’s partly to set a vibe—People are here for music. Everybody be chill. If some teenager sneaks into a closer section, please let them. But the briefing is also serious—where the medics are located, what the escape routes are. Most of the time, these safety measures are invisible. I worry that post-pandemic precautions, as welcome and necessary as they are, will be depressingly visible. Some elements, such as temperature checks, will be inane. Some, such as requiring vaccination, will be important. Regardless, they will also set a tone—not You are entering a place for music, but You are entering a secure location. Dancing is hard when you’re looking at your feet; singing is hard when you’re thinking about everybody else’s breath. I bet the crowd could get over this. I’m not confident I could. With limited capacities and tight procedures, I worry that the stage will feel like the VIP section of the VIP room at a members-only club. Sterile, lonely, all of us chillingly aware that we are part of a ticketed event.

I have another concern that’s hard to shake. After this pandemic year, I’m more aware of the responsibility I have not only to the people who buy tickets, but to the driver making deliveries to the show and to the family of the woman working arena concessions, people who really don’t care about what I’m doing onstage. Vaccination numbers will grow, and the pandemic will end, God willing. I’m not worried about the spread of the coronavirus in particular. But these links of responsibility remain. The analytical part of my brain turns off when touring starts. Before scrambling back to normalcy, I want to make sure that this sense of connection becomes embedded in how I think. I would really love to just be a musician—but I’m also an employer and a player in an industry that has chewed up and spit out plenty of people, especially in this past year.

My hesitations are all about shows, though, not music. Over the past year, I’ve rarely played music with others—a few practices and filmed performances; work on the new Arcade Fire record in November; a handful of Zooms with bandmates to help a school’s PTA fundraiser or support a candidate in the city-comptroller race. But in all of those instances, I’ve experienced an ease, a rightness to the communication—not through the screen with whoever was listening, necessarily, but the people I was playing with. That connection felt restorative, like having a night of deep sleep that repairs parts of yourself you don’t know how to access.

I know people are ready for live music, ready to forget themselves in a wash of sound, ready to loudly talk with their friends over the song they don’t like that much. And so, for heaven’s sake, go to Neumos in Seattle when shows come back. Go to the Hideout in Chicago. See your favorite band, or somebody new. Plenty of artists don’t share my nervousness. I don’t want to add worry to the world; I’m just figuring out my new relationship to performance.

The magnolias are out in New York, and some of the apple trees are blossoming. Temperatures are creeping past 60. The vaccines keep rolling out. The future seems more possible. If I miss an emotion from live shows, it’s not any moment of transcendence. I miss the time just after, when, dazed and excited, you still feel the reach of some universal gesture, but the only thing concrete is the people around you.

https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2021/04/world-changed-what-makes-live-show-successful-didnt-arcade-fire/618625/

[cinaja]

The road to peace

Summary: The meeting at the end of acowar, told from Jurian's perspective. (It`s like, 50% just the Fae getting roasted, really)

Note: I am extremely annoyed with how the humans are being treated in acotar in general and this is basically just me venting (with a bit band of exiles and some stuff with Jurian, Miryam and Drakon thrown in because I love all of them). I think Feyre and Rhys are... not handling the situation well, so this fic won't cast either of them in a favourable light. I am not tagging either of them and anyone who is really into them probably won`t like this.

Disclaimer: The exchange in the end is taken directly from acowar, chapter 80.

----

The meeting does not begin well. For some reason that goes right over Jurian`s head, the Night Court decides that they should hold the meeting in some destroyed manor over an hour away from the camp, yet they fail to take into account that not everyone can winnow. Meaning the humans have to walk. By the time they finally reach the manor, they are already late and Jurian had to talk Grayson out of turning around five times already.

“I put you on opposite ends of the room”, Feyre Archeron tells them.

She seems to consider it to be a favour, but it feels like an insult. Like they need to be separated from the other participants. Something tells Jurian that it`s not for their comfort, but because Feyre doesn`t want them close to her family and friends.

Jurian doesn`t bother with a reply. Neither does Grayson. They just exchange a quick glance and stride into the meeting room, heads held high. Jurian does not look at anyone in particular as he walks through the room and takes his seat. Only then does he allow himself to look around the room.

The room is crammed with people, but somehow, his eyes still go straight to her.

Miryam isn`t looking at him. Both her and Drakon appear deep in conversation with one of the High Lords – Tarquin. She looks so much like in his memories. Only her clothes are different. During the War, she always made sure to be dressed as elegantly as the Fae royals, even when she despised the dresses and jewellery – like she wanted to proof to them that she might be but a child by their standards, but she could still play their games. Now, she wears a simple tunic that makes her look like she either came straight from her camp without having time to change, or like she purposefully dressed to keep attention away from herself. If it`s the latter, it fails miserably.

Tarquin says something and Miryam smiles in return, tugging a strand of hair behind her ears. Her smile is still the same. It´s like a punch to the stomach.

Jurian doesn`t know how to feel, what to think. Just looking at her is enough to make the memories rise. Miryam smiling at him from across the meeting room. Leaning against him as they sit by the fire with his soldiers. Frowning as they study a map. But then, there are the less pleasant memories. Her crying, and the sinking feeling that it`s because of him. Shaking her head and backing away. I think I should leave.

The worst part is, Jurian can`t place the memories. He isn`t even sure if they are all real. And the only person who could tell him the truth will probably never speak to him again.

“I don`t know what impression you`re going for”, someone says from next to him, “but if you keep staring at your ex like that, it`ll be firmly in the “creepy” territory.”

Jurian forces himself to look away from Miryam and turn around to Queen Vassa who sits down on the chair to his right.

“Your Majesty”, he says and inclines his head.

“General”, she replies.

Before Jurian can tell her that he doesn`t think he holds this title anymore, Feyre Archeron steps forward to welcome them. Then, she tells her story. She talks of years in poverty, of the trials under Amarantha and how she found love in Prythian. Jurian honestly wonders what part of the story is supposed to reassure the humans. The one where she got kidnapped, tortured and killed by Fae? Or maybe how her Fae lover locked her up and how she only managed to find acceptance as a Fae. And how is her relationship drama even relevant to this meeting? Well, maybe she just wants to humiliate her former lover, who is stone-faced by the wall. Jurian smirks at the male, who growls softly in return. Jurian can`t say he pities him. After all, he knew his father during the War and he`ll only believe that the son is better when he sees proof.

By the time Feyre finishes her story, Jurian is barely listening anymore. He immediately jerks to attention, though, when Miryam and Drakon step forward. It seems like they`ll be the next speakers. Jurian isn`t sure what he hopes for. He supposes if they do tell the story, he`ll be the next to be publicly humiliated. But no matter how unflattering the story might be, at least it would give him something to sort his memories by.

As they begin to speak, though, Jurian quickly realize that, unlike Feyre, they don`t tell the stories of their lives. They gloss over anything personal, mention what went down with Jurian only in passing and instead tell a story about the seemingly impossible work of uniting their people. They talk of unforgivable crimes, amends that were made and the long road towards peace. Neither of them so much as looks at Jurian as they speak.

He supposes he should have known. In Prythian, it might be considered normal to let the personal bleed into the political, but rules are far stricter on the Continent. Even if Miryam and Drakon chose to settle matters between them, they would never do it during an official meeting. Besides, Miryam was never overly fond of telling the world her story.

When they sit down and Helion takes their place, Jurian makes himself listen to what the High Lord says. He doesn`t want to be like poor Grayson, who keeps staring at Elain Archeron with longing and fury written equally on his face whenever he thinks no one will notice. No, thank you. He very much plans to get through this meeting with his dignity intact.

Helion and a few others talk of the War and the friendships they made, too. Jurian considers getting up as well, but decides against it. He is still trying to sort through his memories, muddled by five hundred years of torment, and he isn`t entirely sure he could give an accurate account of anything. Or if he could manage to get through telling his story without breaking down.

Soon, the first humans step forward and begin to talk of the crimes the Fae committed against them. Entire villages slaughtered. The Treaty violated again and again. (Jurian could have told them of worse things – and he knows those accounts would pale against anything Miryam might tell – but this meeting is supposed to lead to peace, so he remains silent.) But then, the Fae begin to counter the human tales with ones of their own, about humans who treated them with mistrust. And somehow, these pointy-eared bastards manage to make it sound like their grievances are equal.

After a while, Jurian has had enough.

“Right”, he says, just loudly enough that every Fae in the room hears him, “Because humans trying to defend themselves against Fae is just as bad as Fae slaughtering entire human villages for fun.” He snorts. “If you want to get this to work, maybe you should start treating our lives as equal to your own.”

The humans nod along. Most of the Fae shoot him disapproving glances.

“I`m not surprised that you would say that”, one of the Fae hisses, “We all know your stance on Fae. The matter with Clythia -“

Jurian flinches at the name. He squeezes his eyes shut and tries hard not to think of her.

“Jurian merely stated that human and Fae lives should be treated equally”, Miryam cuts in, “Surely you don`t mean to contradict that.”

The Fae opens his mouth, then seems to consider who, exactly, he is speaking to. He squirms in his seat and quickly averts his eyes. Jurian grins. He tries to catch Miryam`s eye, but she refuses to look at him.

“Perhaps”, Rhysand says smoothly, “we ought to return to the true purpose of this meeting. The Wall is gone and it is up to us to find a way to shape this world.”

Jurian rolls his eyes. He wonders how Fae considering human lives and grievances to be unimportant is not relevant to the future of their world.

The discussion begins raging in earnest. Grayson outright refuses to trust the Fae on their word alone – the Treaty, he says, has been violated far too often, even with the Wall in place. Queen Vassa nods and adds that she is not about to leave her people at the mercy of any Fae who decide to make a meal out of them. It is a perfectly valid concern, yet somehow, half of the Fae manage to take offence at it.

It doesn`t take long for the first person to suggest another Wall.

“Might be hard”, Helion drawls, “Without being sure how the first one was created.”

Jurian can`t help it, his gaze flickers to Miryam. For the first time since the meeting started, she, too, is looking at him. Jurian smiles slightly and dips his chin. She nods back, then returns her attention to the discussion.

Drakon begins to explain why another Wall won`t solve their problems, just delay them. Patiently, he describes how they can only achieve lasting peace by having humans and Fae develop a way to life together and that dividing them will only make hate fester and, ultimately, lead to another war. The only way to overcome prejudice, he says, is by having people interact and teaching them about the other side.

Not everyone agrees with him. A few High Lords argue that a Wall would be the better alternative. They talk of security for the humans, but all Jurian hears is that they don`t want to bother with working for peace.

He promised himself not to, but Jurian still finds his gaze drifting over to Miryam, Drakon and their people. Drakon is frowning slightly and keeps flaring his wings in annoyance. Next to him, General Sinna, the commander of his Seraphim legion, keeps whispering with a human man who as far as Jurian knows is their armada`s commander. They both look torn between annoyance and amusement. Miryam`s face doesn`t betray anything, but she keeps scanning the room.

“I think we can all agree”, Feyre Archeron finally says, “that both sides have made mistakes. But it is time for all of us to move past them.”

For a few heartbeats, silence reins. Jurian finds himself staring at her open-mouthed. He can`t believe what he`s hearing and is about to say as much when Miryam beats him to it.

“Both sides have what?”, she asks softly.

Even after five hundred years, Jurian recognizes the look she gives Feyre. There is no mistaking the way her eyes seem to glow. In spite of the serious situation, Jurian grins. He once fell in love with Miryam for her kindness – but damnit, things get entertaining when she stops playing nice.

Feyre seems to realize that something is not going the way she planned. “I was just saying that both sides are to blame. No one is really innocent in this.”

“Then would you kindly explain to me”, Miryam says, and now, there`s nothing remotely friendly about her tone, “how I or any of the other fifty thousand slaves in the Black Land were to blame for what happened to us. Not to mention the hundreds of thousands of slaves in different territories, or the millions who came before us.” She sits up straighter in her seat. “Honestly, I`m curious. How did we deserve being beaten and tortured and killed? What was our crime? Beyond being born human, that is.”

Feyre suddenly finds her the sleeve of her dress in dire need of inspection. She begins fiddling around with it, looking increasingly uncomfortable. But of course, her mate jumps to her defence.

“You`re being unfair”, Rhys says.

Jurian nearly jumps from his seat, Drakon flares his wings so hard that he almost hits Tarquin in the face. It takes Jurian half a heartbeat to decide that Miryam won`t be happy at all if he punches that prick of a High Lord in the face. Across the room, Drakon seems to come to the same conclusion. He tugs his wings close to his body again and mutters an apology to Tarquin.

Rhys continues, “That`s not what Feyre meant and you know it.”

“Then perhaps she should choose her words more carefully”, Sinna hisses. She gives Rhys a look that usually sends her enemies on the battlefield running. Nephelle puts a hand on her arm.

Miryam looks around the room, nailing each person into place with her gaze. “I want peace, too”, she says, “I have only ever wanted peace. But just choosing to forget everything that happened is not the way to achieve that. The past still affects the present and pretending it doesn`t is stupidity. Especially for people who live as long as the Fae do.”

“Forgive me, Lady”, Kallias says. Jurian wonders if he`s purposefully using the wrong title, or if he genuinely does not know that it is common on the Continent for women to hold leading positions, and for married couples to rule together. Sometimes he forgets how annoying Prythian can be. “But did we not fight for your freedom in this very war?”

Jurian snorts softly. As if Hybern hadn`t invaded Prythian before it ever approached the human lands. They were fighting for themselves at least as much as for the humans.

“Yes, you did”, Miryam says, “And I know some of you fought in the War as well.” She pauses. “But tell me, High Lord, who do you think built the palaces you live in? That goes for all of you. Whose hands built your palaces and temples, whose blood paid for the gold in your troves?” She looks around the room. “Every single court in Prythian once owned slaves. Yet, no one ever so much as considered an official apology – not to mention paying reparations to the descendants of the people your ancestors exploited.” She shakes her head. “I`m not saying any of you are bad people. But if you truly believe that you deserve applause for not wanting to enslave us, then perhaps you should consider that you may be setting your bar a little low.”

“Thousands of years of history”, Thesan says says, “you cannot expect us to-“

“Who is talking about a thousand years?”, Grayson asks. Seems like he stopped staring at Elain Archeron long enough to focus on the conversation. “Ever since the Wall was built, Fae have been illegally crossing it and slaughtering humans. I`ve seen entire villages reduced to rubble. Yet not a single Fae lifted a finger to help us.”

“Nothing new, there”, Jurian supplies, “I have yet to see a Fae being punished for ending human lives. After the War, all these Loyalist commanders got away unscathed. Amarantha”, he nearly chokes on the name, “had every single one of her slaves killed, yet no one cared enough to see her punished.” He snorts. “Really shows how much you value our lives.”

At least the Fae now seem somewhat ashamed. Some of them are shifting around on their chairs, refusing to look at the humans. Feyre Archeron is still fiddling around with her dress. Unfortunately, she does not choose to remain silent.

“I, too, was once human”, she says, “I understand your struggles because they were mine as well. But hate and fear are not the way towards peace. We need to move past these things.”

Queen Vassa crosses her arms. “Didn`t you just tell us during your nice little story time that you started out hating Fae and only began to trust them after you saw proof they were better than you thought? And now you just expect us to do the same in one evening, without more than your word to go on?”

“That`s not what I`m saying at all”, Feyre snaps, “But humans, too, have their prejudices. As a human, I experienced first-hand the way the Fae treat us. But I have seen equal amounts of prejudice on the human side. I have seen the hate, the iron walls and ash arrows.”

Grayson lifts his chin and mutters something under his breath. His voice is too low for Jurian to make out words, but the tone makes it clear enough what he is saying. A reply is burning on Jurian`s tongue, but he swallows it. He knows how the Fae see him – his word would probably not help matters.

Again, it is Miryam who replies. “You`ll forgive me for saying this, High Lady”, she says, “but your experience with the Fae must have been pleasant indeed if you believe this to be a fitting comparison. You talk of prejudice. Well, I watched thousands of humans be slaughtered for no crime other than existing. I saw children get beaten to death just because they spilled a drop of water they were supposed to serve – and those were the lucky ones. When someone did something truly bad, you know, like stealing some rotten bread from the trash because none of us had eaten in five days, they drew out the punishment over hours. I…” She shakes her head and takes a deep breath. Drakon itches a bit closer, the movement barely noticeable. When Miryam continues, her voice is calmer. “I want peace as much as you do. Truly. I have spent most of my life working for it.” She turns back to Feyre. “But I won`t stand here and let you disregard thousands of years of human suffering.”

For a heartbeat, there is silence. Then, Rhysand lets out a soft growl. His power rumbles through the air. “Don`t you ever”, he says with cold command in his voice, “speak to my mate like this again.”

Drakon arches an eyebrow at him. Sinna leans in to Nephelle to whisper something into her ear, making the smaller female laugh softly. Jurian just leans back in his seat. This is about to get entertaining. Maybe he should have brought snacks.

“I spoke politely and I will continue to do so”, Miryam says, completely unfazed, “Since I am not one of your subjects, though, I would appreciate you not giving me orders.”

Rhysand`s power flares so hard that a few of the humans flinch back and one of the windows begins to rattle. Jurian rolls his eyes. If that is the Prythian version of politics, he can only hope for their sakes that they don`t ever go to the Continent. He can`t think of a single Continental ruler who would tolerate that behaviour.

“Are you having trouble controlling your power?”, Miryam asks softly, “In that case, taking a deep breath usually helps.”

Rhysand opens his mouth and closes it again. A few of the Fae are now trying to hide their laughter. Jurian grins. He hasn`t had such fun in… well, in a while.

“No”, Rhys finally growls and reins his power back in.

Silence follows. A few of the Fae exchange uncomfortable looks.

Finally, Mor laughs, perhaps a bit too brightly, and winks at Miryam and Drakon. “Well, seeing how difficult this meeting is, I`m twice as impressed that you got things working on Cretea.”

Drakon grins back. “If that`s any consolation to you, it took us quite a while.”

“And I can assure you”, Sinna mutters, “that we did not run around blaming the humans for being scared or try to make ourselves into the victims.”

A few people laugh. Most don`t.

“Having our people learn to live together”, Drakon says, much more seriously this time, “is the only way towards lasting peace. But every one here should be aware that this takes work and that the work will be mainly for the Fae to be done.” He inclines his head towards the human side of the room. “Humans are afraid, some angry, and rightly so. But that is not the problem we are facing, it`s the consequence.” He turns to the Fae. “Because the problem is that many Fae consider humans beneath them and have committed unspeakable crimes against them without punishment. This is what needs to be addressed and it`s why it`s up to us Fae to prove that we, as a people, have changed. Not through words, but action.”

“We now fought two wars for the humans”, Rhys says, “I`d say that`s plenty of action.”

Jurian considers banging his head against the wall. “Yes”, he says slowly, “Because your… brethren first enslaved us and then went to war to do it again – if this skirmish can even be called that.”

“And if you`re looking for actions you can take”, Vassa says, “then how about you start by stopping your people from entering our territory and killing us. Might be a good first step, you know.”

“Another Wall”, Thesan says, “would solve this problem.”

Drakon puts his head in his hands. “No”, he says, voice muffled through his fingers, “it would not.”

Jurian grins. He still isn`t entirely sure how he feels about Drakon (after all, he spent the most part of the last five centuries hating the male`s guts and is only now beginning to remember that there might have been a time when they were friends), but on this, they are in agreement.

“And how can you be so sure of that”, Beron drawls, “Suddenly became a seer?”

“No, but through the magical power of having studied these things, I can predict what consequences certain actions will likely have on society. In this case, though, I wouldn`t even need to have studied it, because it`s literally what happened last time.” Then, almost like he can`t help it, he adds, “Which I tried to warn you about back then already. So we can either try to get it right this time, or we`ll all meet here again in a few years.”

This, Jurian supposes, is where the argument might have ended. Had they been in a reasonable company, they now might have begun discussing how to actually solve these problems. Unfortunately, most Fae are not overly reasonable. So instead, another argument breaks out.

By the time Feyre Archeron finally declares the meeting to be over, Jurian has rolled his eyes so often he fears he may have pulled a muscle. She thanks them for their time and everyone gets up.

“That was fun, wasn`t it?”, Vassa asks, grinning broadly.

“Absolutely”, Jurian mutters. He stands up on his toes.

“She left already”, Vassa says, “By the way, constantly staring at your married ex-lover is kind of weird.”

Jurian glares at her. “It´s not like that. I just want to talk to her.”

“Do it, then. What`s the worst that could happen?”, Vassa asks. She frowns, then laughs. “Well, she could try to kill you again, I suppose.”

“She didn`t want to kill me”, Jurian mutters.

Vassa laughs and says, “Well, then you guys have a really strange way to discuss your break-up.”

Jurian feels his face beginning to burn. “It wasn`t about our relationship at all”, he says with all the dignity he can muster. Unless his old friends really changed in the past centuries, they would not react like this to a personal problem. But with him putting their people into danger… “It was about me sending Hybern after them.”

When he made the split-second decision to name revenge against Miryam and Drakon as his price to Hybern, he hadn`t considered what that might mean for them. The people who might have died if Hybern had managed to track them down and sent an army after them. Not to mention what might have happened if Miryam had been dead, as he first believed, and Hybern would have brought her back.

No, Jurian does not blame her and Drakon for being angry at all. And he still hasn`t figured out a way how to explain. He isn`t even sure he can put into words how he`s feeling about… well, everything.

“Well”, Vassa mutters, “I guess they can count themselves lucky. At least they didn`t get turned into birds.” Her tone is light, but there`s a bitterness underneath.

Jurian winces. “I never apologized”, he says, “for the role I played in that. They didn`t tell me what they had planned – I would have tried to stop them otherwise.”

Vassa waves him off. “You just did what you had to. I don`t blame you.” She winks. “I mean, I don`t think you are the traitorous piece of shit I first considered you to be.”

In spite of himself, Jurian laughs. “Well, thank you for the flattering compliment.”

“You`re welcome.” Vassa grins, then sobers up. “But there was something I wanted you to talk about. My general did not survive this battle. I have to find a suitable replacement before I have to… leave again.”

Jurian blinks. “And you`re asking me?”

It seems ridiculous. Why would anyone want him around, much less in a position of power? He isn`t even sure if he`s in any state to lead again.

“Who`d be better suited than the most legendary General in human history?”

“Oh, I…” Jurian hesitates. “Thank you.”

Vassa smiles again, but he doesn`t look happy at all. “You`ll look after my people, won`t you? When I`m gone.” She stares down at her fingers like she expects them to turn into claws again any moment.

“Is there no way to break your curse?”, Jurian asks.

She shrugs. “I had hoped Feyre Archeron might be able to help. That was before I found out that she got her title as Cursebreaker by solving a riddle, though.”

“I could ask Helion to look into it”, Jurian says, “He has over eight hundred years of experience. We knew each other during the War and as far as I know, he doesn`t hate my guts, so I might be able to get him to help you.”

“That would be great”, Vassa says.

“And you might want to talk to Miryam.”

“Why? Want me to put in a good word for me?”

Jurian groans. “First of all, don`t you dare. And no - she`s good with spells and doesn`t know the word impossible.”

“I might as well give it a try”, Vassa says. She sounds like she`s trying hard to not get her hopes up. “It`s not like I have many other options.”

Before Jurian gets the chance to reply, Lucien Vanserra appears next to them.

“Quite the meeting, wasn`t it?”, he says and nudges Vassa in the side. “I have to say, watching our dear Lord and Lady Night get their asses handed to them was quite enjoyable.”

Jurian nods his agreement. Looking around the room, he finds that they are now almost alone in the destroyed manor. Most of the others have left already.

“Do any of you know where Grayson and the others vanished to?”, he asks.

“Left already”, Lucien says.

“Oh, charming”, Jurian mutters. It seems like Grayson was so desperate to get away from Elain Archeron that he`d forgotten that they had arrived together. “I should probably go after them.”

He waves goodbye to Vassa and Lucien and makes for the door. However, he finds Feyre Archeron standing in the doorway, looking out into the dark. He is about to push past her when she says, “Where do you go now?”

Jurian pauses besides her and stares into the darkness, trying to make out Grayson and his men.

“Queen Vassa offered me a position in her court”, he says, not really willing to discuss this with Feyre.

“Are you going to accept?”

Jurian shrugs. He doesn`t know where else he would go – it`s not like he has any place he belongs anymore. And the offer was certainly an honour. But still-

“What sort of court can a cursed queen have?”, he asks, “She`s bound to that death-lord – she has to go back to his lake on the continent at some point.” And he knows what that would mean, what she`d expect. He just isn`t sure if he can lead the humans again after everything that happened. It should be someone else – Vassa herself, preferably. “Too bad the king was so spectacularly beheaded by your sister. I bet he could have found a way to break that curse of hers.”

“Too bad indeed”, Feyre mutters.

Jurian grunts in amusement.

“Do you think we stand a chance?”, Feyre asks, motioning in the dark to something Jurian`s human eyes can`t make out. “Of peace between all of us?”

Not with attitudes like the one you displayed at that meeting, Jurian thinks. But she looks so hopeful, so young, that he doesn`t say it. Besides, does he truly think that they don`t stand a chance?

He thinks back to the meeting. The humans who came in spite of the history and held their own against the Fae. Miryam, Drakon and their people who already achieved what they are now trying to do five hundred years ago. And if he`s being honest, there were several Fae who were willing to try, too. They might have argued, but at least they took the first step towards peace.

“Yes”, he answers softly, “I think we do.”

After all that suffering, they would certainly deserve it.

----

Another note: What I've written is canon compliant, but I've added certain things. Some of the implications I make about characters fit with the story I'm writing about the War (although everyone gets along significantly better back then, and Rhys is not that much of an ass yet)

Tags: @sjm-things @herpowerisdeath @clolikescloquetas @sunsummoner

[roguestarsailor]

So I really do not like is Elain in ACOTAR and I want to explore why I feel this way. This is going to be a critique of Elain and a critique of SJM too.

So I think about this tweet whenever I feel passionately about a character; many of the characters I love or hate clearly have these things outlined.

Elain is positioned as a central character who is vital to be part of the main protagonist group but she doesn’t have any supporting characteristics that make her valuable or interesting as a character. If you parallel her story to literally any other main characters, they all have grit, flaws and passion whereas Elain doesn’t. The story really doesn't change when you take Elain out of the equation. Her only relevance happens in ACOWAR and she weaves in and out. She’s so absent most of the time, and she’s barely thought about more than precious and gentle and likeable. that doesn’t make the character interesting.

Elain is the type of character that other characters react to. Sometimes I think she should have died in the cauldron because she was the type of character that would motivate people to action. She functions best as a symbol of purity and good that everyone will throw themselves for or go to the end of the earth for. Even from Freye’s point of view, she would do anything to defend her sisters and most of all her gentle and caring Elaine. Even the description of Elain being shoved into the cauldron with Freye and Nesta pleading and struggling to save Elain was intense! if Elain had died, this would have made the reason to go to war significantly more impactful, more heated and more personal. We would get to see so much action from Freye and Nesta; we could have watch these characters flex their strengths and grow into more powerful women (another critique is that Amren and Mor are supposedly top tier individuals but we don’t see what they're actual function is within the night court. we see Cassian and Azriel doing their thing and hold meetings w Rhys but not those two?? they just hang out in Valaris). We would even see politics change in Prythian! We got a glimpse of what they did at the High Lords Meeting and then we saw them speak united after the war in the human realm in ACOWAR. Imagine the possibilities! So many directions this could go.

This story isn’t suppose to be lovely. It’s not suppose to be a happy ending (although a bit cheesy but good amount). Every character has a dark past, and have to overcome their traumas. Every character had to make choices they don’t like and have suffered in the most intense way possible. UTM scenes in the ACOTAR was actually hard for me to read the first time around because I wasn’t aware of how dark it was going to be. But we saw the impact on Freye and watching her overcome that which was the main reason why i kept reading (ACOMAF is by far the best book in the series for its healing arc). 

So letting all these characters thrive despite all of it is interesting and the reason why I keep thinking about and reading and rereading these books! This is where SJM failed Elain’s character. She doesn’t have conflict. Her conflicts are surface level at best i.e. marriage to gregory (or whatever), society life and nothing in her character says she will fight for what she loves. Nobody dislikes Elain, Elain doesn’t dislike anybody (except maybe Luciein). What motivates her? We see her fit in so well the the IC on Solstice, she thrives in Valaris, she’s even made friends out of Cerridwen and Nuala. She enjoys gardening and she enjoys caring for others, shopping for others, etc. She seems to have her life relatively together compared to literally everyone else.

What did give me pause and peaked my interest in Elain was when she asked Amren why she chose the female body form (ACOFAS, pg 109). When I read that scene, I thought she was asking about changing gender like being trans fae which would really be taking her character in a whole new direction, potentially sexuality exploration too?? But turns out she asked because she wanted to know the possibility of changing into a human again. I know ACOFAS showed her mourning her father and being sad and quiet all the time which is normal and fine. But conversations with her (at least with Freye’s POV) shows she’s still stuck on being human or living a human life again which makes her character stagnate and hard to tell a story that would be interesting. At least Nesta has moved on to more than just mourning her human life and see her clearly struggling through it all.

Elain seems to only be valuable as a symbol more than anything. She isn’t essential to the story, not saying she didn’t play a good role in the war effort but by in large, her story arc was bland. Take her out and the story would have to find a new route but nothing will be amiss. Her worth as a character is based on the hope that she does more, the love people have for these type of character and a symbol for “good” in the world which isn’t compelling enough and doesn’t make her character interesting. The only interesting part about Elain is that people can project their Elriel or Elucien ships onto or people just like because she’s unproblematic and agreeable.

But I want to end with hope with what direction Elain’s character could take. I can’t think about a situation where Elain would leave the comforts of Valaris on her own, so it would have to be with someone. I don’t see her character growing with Azriel. Azriel is chained to Night Court and to Rhys (and if we want to see him grow he needs to take a different direction away from Night Court and maybe not someone who comforts him all the time??). Although I do see her story growing with Lucien. Lucien has no residence and for now he’s fitting well with the Band of Exiles who are in the human realm and maybe they go on an adventure there and Lucien introduces her to the new human realm or she introduces Lucien to her human life or something (I don’t really care about the mate stuff since rhys said ppl can reject the mate so??? its not anything important?? not enough info for me to care about tbh). To be fair, I have been reading elucien like this and I can see how Elain and Lucien compliments each other but that doesn’t make Elain’s character any interesting on her own which is sad. I hope Elain becomes more than what she has been. I hope she starts fighting for the things she loves (it doesn’t have to be physically), I hope she isn’t so passive and I hope she finds her way of bringing fire into herself. Every character has that grit and passion, I demand she has the same or what is the fucken point??

[jonthethinker]

I’ve been thinking about what I would find to be the perfect ending for Critical Role Campaign 2, and I realize how far my ideal ending may be from where we will probably end up, and why that is.

This isn’t to denigrate our fine storytellers, but there’s some strong ideological differences between what I would find most beautiful and interesting and where they are likely to end up.

To the cast, I sense it seems this is a story of recovery and discovery of identity. Seven broken people find each other, perhaps by chance or, as Matt’s opening lines of the campaign suggest, Destiny. Regardless, they come together, and in that coming together, they help each other heal. This takes time, and comes with many conflicts and false starts and set backs, but slowly, they do indeed begin the process of healing.

As they heal, these lost souls begin to explore their identities safely in each others’ company. Each member of the Mighty Nein gets a chance to feel out who it is they are and want to be, all the while knowing that if they stumble and trip along the way, they have their dear friends to catch them. Eventually, they will have a firmer grasp on who it is they really are, deep down, and with that, be able to tackle the rest of what life has to throw at them head on. So far, if I am right and this is indeed what the cast believes, I completely agree with them. But things do begin to diverge on where they seem to want to take it, and where I wish it would be.

This divergence begins in the fallout of this healing and recovery. What happens next? Place and Purpose, of course. Once they know who they are, they are ready to find their homes; ready to find where they really belong. For now, that place is the Mighty Nein, but for some reason, this type of story never seems to be satisfied with that answer. There must be a new chapter, one in which the Mighty Nein, while remaining loyal and committed to one another as friends, each go their own way. They will have done what they set out to do with the group, and now they must build something new on their own.

You see this clearly in the two characters most aware of what kind of story they stumbled into, unsurprisingly played into by the two players least bothered by the fourth wall; Sam Riegel’s Nott The Brave/Veth Brenatto and Marisha Ray’s Beauregard Lionett. Both of these characters have been dreading the eventual closing of this chapter on healing and recovery, because of how comfortable they’ve become in their place within it, and how unprepared they feel for what surely must follow.

Nott was afraid of getting her body back because it would mean she may have to leave behind the first thing she’s ever felt good at, and grappled with how that must make her a terrible wife and mother to have those sorts of feelings. Once she does regain her body, Veth still grapples with these very feelings, even when she could have everything she thought she was fighting for all along, because the adventures of the Mighty Nein have so filled her with excitement and purpose and meaning like she’s never had before. She’s still waiting for that other shoe to drop, and the day her travels must end, because that’s the only way she feels she can satisfy the contradictions.

Beauregard was in her mind a loner, and only with the Mighty Nein has she ever started to question that self-diagnosis. In the Nein, for the very first time, she’s found a place for herself, and a group of people who can actually dull all her sharp edges. She has clear meaning and purpose in working with the Mighty Nein to overcome their personal obstacles, and maybe in doing so, leaving the world a little better than she found it. Before the Nein, those sorts of things weren’t even possibilities. She even felt she was assured a young death and thus no future to begin with. But when she realizes she could have a future, she wants it to be with the Nein... But as her ability to empathize begins to bloom, she realizes this may not be what everyone else has in mind. That some day, the rest of the Nein hope to put the Adventuring life behind them, and in that moment, Beau will have a future to decide for herself and herself alone, and that is terrifying. Because the main thing the Nein has taught Beau is how desperately she doesn’t want to be alone anymore.

As I said, I agree that this is a story about recovery and identity, but it is also much more that. For me, as just a humble member of the audience, the story of the Mighty Nein, above all, is a story about the consequences and possible solutions to isolation, loneliness, powerlessness, and above all, alienation. All seven of our great heroes have been forced through their particular backstories and their mutual adventures to battle with these very feelings over and over, and to me at least the solution to these problems is, well, the community, solidarity, and comfort of each other.

For me, it’s not so obvious that the Mighty Nein has to, well, end.

Sometimes it feels like the cast agrees with me, but usually only in their moments of greatest spontaneity, dealing with the struggles and heartbreaks right in front of them as they happen. I think of Fjord casting his falchion into the lava only to be pulled in closer by his friends. I think of Beau facing her parents, and then later with the fallout of her potential bargain with the Hag. I think of Jester preparing to confront her father, and the subsequent results of his apparent rejection. I think of Caduceus saving his family and his home, and deciding to stay with the Nein anyway. I think of Caleb confronted by Trent in Castle Ungebroch as a shield of his friends form around him. I think of all the Nein reassuring Veth they would accept and love her no matter if she was staying with them or not, but how much they’d miss her if she went. I think of how easily they accepted Yasha into the fold whenever she came back from her wanderings, and how hard they fought to get her back when she was taken from them.

The reason I come to the conclusion that the cast see’s the Nein as eventually having to end is the end for Vox Machina. You had seven people who helped each other heal and grow in ways they never thought they were destined for, experiencing a sense of belonging and purpose the world had never afforded them before the merry band formed. But as a would-be-God was locked away and a dear friend, lover, and brother faded from their grasps, they all drifted in their own directions. They all had a place to fill in the grand scheme of things, and it was time for them to grow up.

And its this notion of growing up that grates me. That these moments of camaraderie and companionship must be as ephemeral as our adolescence. The adventuring days and the bonds we form within them are only meant for our youth, and the meaning and purpose and place we find inside of them is only meant to help us through the confusing days of young adulthood, before we begin our real days as adults, which may only be tackled alone or with a lover. I simply don’t see it this way.

Adulthood should not be this singularly alienating experience that it has become. For most of the existence of humanity, it has not been. We are not meant for self-sufficiency and independence to the degree our society insists upon. Societies would not have formed in the first place without faith that a person can depend on others to provide for them. If the blacksmith also had to sow and patch their own clothes, she would never have time to blacksmith, just as a tailor can’t focus on sowing when she has to build and maintain her own tools. Poverty and deprivation can lead us to have to be more independent than we ought to, but in a world with equitably managed resources, we can afford to have faith the farmer will provide our food, the treatment plant will make our water safe to drink, and the carpenter will keep the rain off our head.

Think of how miserable most adults are today, and then think about how alone and alienated they all are. They are either spending each day working themselves numb only to go home and distract themselves with various entertainments, or if they have “community,” it’s so narrowly defined and judgmental that the gains made from your place within it are completely offset by how much you must cut yourself into shape to fit in. The greatest moments of our lives are often within our youth, because while you’re young you get to grow and stretch and stumble in the company of other people doing the same, and there is no expectation in doing anything else. But we’ve decided on some arbitrary point in which this time of personal exploration and safe company must end. If you’re old and want to expand your horizons, I hope you’re rich, because if not, it ain’t happening.

So for me, to imagine a world in which the members of the Mighty Nein might go a week, nonetheless months without seeing each other is beyond cruel. Think of the feeling of security and belonging the Nein have provided for one another, and tell me there has to be some arbitrary cut off date for their continued company. Think about Fjord breaking the habit of filing down his tusks because of the support of Jester and the Nein, a habit he performed into his early thirties, and tell me that one day, he needs to go out on his own because of reasons. They can take the lessons they’ve learned from the Nein, and still have the Nein, and not be unprepared to take whatever challenges life has to offer them, and in fact, may be better at tackling them all together with their family at their side every step of the way.

People prosper most when they decide they are better off working together than they are alone. To me, it’s abundantly clear this is true for the Mighty Nein. And I hope and pray when the time comes the cast will see it the same way. And I’ll accept and almost certainly enjoy whatever ending they end up having, in this strange form of improvised entertainment. None of this is to hate on the cast or me trying to tell them how to run their game or tell their story, I just have a lot of feelings on the matter. I am almost certainly overthinking something that may very well be a long way off from even happening. but after spending literally hundreds of hours with these fictional characters, I can’t help but want the best for them. And so far, the best for them is... well, each other. And no possible future they could have will be as good as one in which even in their golden years, they can look over and know, no matter what, they have the Mighty Nein.

[i-just-love-spop]

Of babysitting and (potential) kitchen fires [Chapter one]

Chapter two

Arrow loves auntie Catra and the bedtime stories she always tells about her adventures with auntie Adora and Arrow’s parents.

Catra might be enjoying babysitting a little too much.

Meanwhile, Adora is unsure whether or not she would be a good mother.

And Glimmer just really, really needs some sleep.

[Shameless post season five Adora and Catra both want kids but haven’t talked about it yet-fic that was supposed to be a one shot but isn’t anymore. Starring: the best friend squad, two Glow/Glimbow children, Melog, cuddling, a bit of angst and, of course, the best friend squad teasing each other.]

Disclaimer: This was originally posted on my Ao3, EleenaDume, which I would love to source, but tumblr is driving me insane and apparently one of the reasons why my posts might not show up in the tags could be external links, so I’m trying it again without the link. If you want to check if I’m really the same person, I’ve added this account to my list of other accounts on my Ao3-profile.

—

“That day, the most selfless girl in the galaxy learned that it was alright to choose herself for once – that it was the right choice to be selfish sometimes. And that’s how she saved the galaxy. The end.”

Catra clapped her hands together to empathize the ending of the story.

The little girl with the violet hair looked up at her. There was an excited glint in her eyes.

“Start over, I want to hear the story again! Please!”

Catra laughed as she ruffled the girl’s hair.

“Nice try, sweetie, but the time has come for little Arrow to go to sleep, because Queen Sparkles will show up soon and throw me out of your room if you don’t.”

Arrow pouted.

“Come on, auntie Catra. Just one more time. Auntie Adora can keep mom distracted in the meantime.”

The adult woman stroked the child’s head again and giggled softly. Damn, she really liked this kid.

“As much as I like the way you think, Glitter, your mom will end me if I keep you awake any longer. And I think she’s pert near issuing a decree about how much I get to talk about Adora here before I must be forcefully removed from the building at all costs,” She joked.

The child laughed.

“But mommy and dad are just as bad!”

“You’re the cheekiest girl in the entire universe. I’m so proud of you.” Catra hugged her gently. “Come on, little one. Time to sleep. I’ll tell you more stories tomorrow.”

Arrow squeaked happily, snuggled up to her aunt and caved.

“Okay, fine. But only if you promise.”

The adult smiled softly. Arrow was just about her favorite person in the entire universe – except for Adora, of course.

The remaining members of the best friend squad were pretty close behind, though.

“Of course. I promise, Glitter.”

She gently tucked the girl in the cupcake pajamas into bed.

“Wanna sleep lights on or lights off today?”

Glimmer and Adora watched Catra from the doorframe as she tugged Arrow in and then started singing her to sleep.

Adora was pretty close to melting into a puddle right then and there. Instead, she almost started crying and rubbed her wedding band nervously, all the universe’s love in her eyes in that very moment.

The scene alone was enough to turn her head all over again, and that wasn’t even including the fact that Catra’s singing was down right enchanting, and she would have happily listened to nothing but that for the rest of her life.

“Adora? ... Adora?” Her best friend gave her a gentle nudge. “Hey, Brightmoon to She-Ra, you in there?”

The blonde jerked extremely startled.

She’d been in a completely different world for the last couple of minutes.

“Yeah, uh, I was just-”

“Zoning out at Catra again. I know.” Adora went beet red. Glimmer winked at her and laughed softly. Despite her visible exhaustion, she still insisted on teasing her best friend. “I’m still surprised how good she is with kids. Arrow loves her to the stars and back.”

“Yeah, I know...”

She-Ra was still way too mesmerized by the scene to take her eyes off her wife and her niece.

“Have you two thought about it yet? You know, the... adoption thing we talked about?”

Well, that jerked the warrior princess back into reality, alright.

She turned away from Catra and Arrow, instead facing the wall across from the child’s room.

“I- we- uh-” she stammered. “I... don’t know. I think I’d be a terrible mom.”

Glimmer shook her head and looked at her best friend sternly.

“Why would you think that? That’s complete nonsense.”

“Well, I’m kind of a complete mess, and extremely chaotic and clumsy and- I tried cooking something recently, and then Catra hugged me from behind while I was doing it, and then my brain short-circuited and I almost burnt down the kitchen because I still can’t believe I’m married to Catra and it’s been ten years-” She was once again talking in that very Adora way where Glimmer wasn’t sure if she even took a single breath while sentence after sentence came out of her mouth in such a speed that it was hard to understand everything. “-and, I mean, I can’t take care of a child! I can barely take care of myself, and-”

Her best friend put her hands on the shoulders of the blonde.

“Adora. Breathe.”

“...right. That... That’s a... thing I should be doing.” She listened, took a couple of long-drawn-out breaths... and slowly, she started calming down again. “I’m sorry. It’s just... I don’t know if I would be a good mother.”

Glimmer smiled at her and pinched her cheek.

“Of course you would be a good mom. I mean, you’re not Catra, but you have watched Arrow before, and you were pretty good at it. And kids love you.”

Adora let out a long sigh.

“Yeah, maybe, but... I don’t know.”

“Hey, nobody’s forcing you to do anything, alright?” Glimmer hugged her. “If that’s not something you want, that’s perfectly fine. Kids aren’t for everyone, and you two are great together on your own. You don’t need kids to be happy.”

Adora shook her head.

“Yeah, no, I know, that... that’s not it. I... I actually think we would both like to have one, but.., the only mother figure we had back at the horde was Shadow Weaver, and I think we’re both afraid we could end up being the kind of parent she was. Catra more so than me.”

Glimmer stopped short.

That though alone seemed completely insane to her.

Adora was just about the nicest, kindest person she had ever met – except for maybe Bow –, while Shadow Weaver was most definitely cruelest, most manipulative asshole she could think of.

And while Catra’s story was... more complicated on that behalf, she still couldn’t imagine her being the kind of mother Shadow Weaver had been. Catra had learned from her mistakes, had overcome her fears and weaknesses and had become a better person along the way.

Shadow Weaver had never learned, never changed, and while her last moments had been a sacrifice, it had been one of cowardice more than one of courage.

A dead person didn’t have to face the mistakes she made. Didn’t have to deal with the people they hurt – the hate in their eyes and the words of anger, sadness and spite that would get thrown at them otherwise.

Catra had faced all that. She’d worked to complete exhaustion to rebuild the cities she’d helped destroy, and she’d went to the end of the galaxy and back to prove that she’d truly changed.

Despite that, some people hadn’t forgiven her, and they never would.

Some people still thought Adora deserved better, and that Catra was treating her badly and should be banished from the planet for good for everything she’d done.

That wasn’t happening... and Catra had learned to live with and accept what people thought of her. She knew she’d hurt others. And as much as she would have liked to turn back time to right her wrongs... she couldn’t.

What others thought of her wasn’t her choice to make. If she had hurt people too much for them to ever give her another chance, that was valid, and she accepted it.

It wasn’t her choice to make.

That made her a much bigger person than Shadow Weaver had ever been.

“Are you serious? Neither of you is anything like her, and you never will be. The way Catra treats Arrow, how she tucks her into bed and sings her to sleep... that’s something my mom used to do when I was little.” For a moment, there was a glint of sad melancholy in her eyes. “Mom would have loved Arrow. And Catra would have driven her absolutely bonkers... but if things hadn’t happened the way they did... I think she would have liked her too.”

Adora pulled her best friend into a hug.

“I...” She started, but Glimmer shook her head and interrupted he.

“Shadow Weaver wasn’t like this at all, was she?”

That was a pretty clear signal.

She didn’t want to talk or think about this any longer. At least not right now.

Adora could accept that and just continued on with the conversation as if nothing had happened.

That was part of their silent agreement when it came to talking about Angella.

“No, she wouldn’t have. Shadow Weaver was never the singing type.” She raised her hands and wagged her fingers in a silly imitation of a spell caster, hoping that would lift the mood again – at least a little. “She was more like ‘uuuuuh, I’m so evil and mean, and if you don’t go to sleep then the weeping princess will show up and murder you, or maybe I will, if you annoy me too much!’...”

She stuck out her tongue.

Glimmer giggled, and Adora joined in.

She could laugh about it today... at least a little.

That had been different for a long time.

“Hey Adora.” The two of them spun around. Apparently Arrow had fallen asleep by now, because Catra was now standing right next to them, the door closed behind her so they could speak loudly without waking the child up again. She looked at her wife all lovey-dovey for a moments then turned to Glimmer, grinned and bowed playfully. “Queen Sparkles, I humbly report your daughter has been put to bed and is asleep now.”

That earned her a gentle nudge against the shoulder from said queen, who rolled her eyes as she laughed.

“Why are you like this?”

Catra gave her a cheeky grin and winked at her.

“What can I say, it’s part of my charm.”

She then put an arm around her wife gently, who had finally stopped zoning out enough to properly greet her.

“Hey Kitty.”

Catra rolled her eyes.

“I told you to stop calling me that.”

Adora pulled her close and looked at her smugly.

“You love it when I call you that.”

“I do not.”

Their faces were now merely inches away from each other.

Truth be told, Catra had given up on ever getting rid of the nickname when Adora had used it for the first time several years ago.

By now, she was sure just about all of Etheria knew about the dumb nickname – that maybe, just maybe, did send a nice feeling of comfortable warmth through her body when Adora said it.

The annoyed facade she put up was nothing more than that – just part of their playful flirting.

Their kiss was unsatisfyingly short.

Adora broke away almost immediately, grimacing. She wiped her mouth.

“...why do you taste like glitter?”

Catra, who had been kind of irritated and hurt until now, started cackling.

“So I might have given the kid a goodnight kiss to the forehead when I tucked her in, sue me.” She turned to Glimmer. “Sparkles’ husband kisses her all the time – I wonder how he does it.”

Her friend and her wife joined in the laughing really soon.

“I’ll have to thank my daughter for finding the absolutely only method I can think of that can keep you two from constantly making out in front of me,” Glimmer chuckled, smiling to herself.

Those two were almost disgustingly cute.

Almost.

“Sorry to disappoint you, but there’s nothing in the entire universe powerful enough to keep our hands off each other for long,” Adora commented truthfully.

The Horde, a war, a collapsing reality and an army consisting of robots and the clones of an insane maniac hadn’t stopped them. Keeping them away from each other for long was a task that would have required something a lot more complicated than a little glitter.

She put her arm around her wife’s waist and kissed her cheek.

Glimmer had a hard time keeping herself from commenting the purring that ensued as the smile on her lips grew wider.

She just looked at the two of them silently for a while until she spoke up again.

“Oh, and Catra... thanks for babysitting. I really appreciate it a lot.”

Spending time with them was nice... but she also started to feel her exhaustion more with every passing minute and wanted nothing more than to just collapse into her bed and sleep for a small eternity... or at least for approximately an hour before she would be woken up again.

The thought alone made her head spin.

But she was really, really thankful.

Catra had been immensely helpful when it came to watching Arrow, especially during these past few weeks.

“Hey, you know I love the kid. Anytime.” The brunette smiled. “I forgot to ask... how was your meeting?”

“Please don’t ask.” The Queen of Brightmoon grimaced and shuddered slightly. “It dragged on forever, and I was so tired that I feel like I missed out on half of what was being said.”

Adora shrugged.

“She fell asleep halfway through the meeting. We voted on whether or not we should let her sleep. It was the only unanimous decision of the day.”

Catra chuckled.

“Seems like you might have to be put to bed just like your daughter, huh, your majesty?” She joked.

Glimmer rolled her eyes and sighed.

“Believe me, I wish it was that easy. Angie is an absolute nightmare. I mean, I love her, and I would do anything for her... but I swear, neither me nor Bow has slept more than two hours at a time in the last three weeks. The kid has incredible lungs. And Adora‘s sleep-wake rhythm.”

The pink-haired woman groaned.

Catra nudged her wife gently.

“We’re really missing out, huh?”

At least for the first few seconds, Adora was certain her wife was kidding... but there was something in her voice...

„Speaking of missing out... what would you say if we took the little one for tonight?“ Adora said as if out of the blue. You two really need sleep and some time to yourselves, and...” She looked at her best friend sincerely, then glanced towards Catra in a meaningful way. “What do you think, Glimmer?”

“...Adora, are you sure?”

She-Ra nodded energetically.

“Of course. And even know how to warm up milk without burning the kitchen down by now... I think.”

She gave them a pretty unconvincing smile and an even less convincing thumbs up.

Catra looked at her wife, eyebrow raised.

“Sweetheart, do all of us a favor and just wake me up, alright? I’m not in the mood for another three o’clock-shower by Mermista.”

“...Or I’ll just wake Catra,” Adora assured her, giving an affirmative nod and smiling at Glimmer. “Come on...”

“Okay. Alright. But if something goes wrong or you need anything or-”

Adora put a hand on her shoulder and raised an eyebrow.

“Now you’re the one who needs to remember how to breathe.”

Glimmer closed her eyes and nodded as she calmed down. Sometimes she really worried too much – especially when it came to her children.

She understood her mother much better these days.

“We’ll manage, Sparkles. Don’t overthink it so much. You really need sleep, damn it.”

Catra nudged her gently.

Glimmer smiled softly as she flung her arms around her two best friends.

“You two are such disasters. I love you so much...”

“Awwww. We love you, too.”

Adora was her usual, hug-loving self.

Catra was still a little tense when being touched by anyone but Adora, but it had been a long time since she’d last flinched back, and she was able to enjoy the gentle gesture of affection much more nowadays.

“Come on, Sparkles. We can go save your husband, and you two can get a good night’s sleep for once, how does that sound?”

“Alright. I’m in.” The Queen of Brightmoon smiled softly at her two best friends. “And – potential kitchen fires aside –, I’m sure you’ll do great.”

A/N: Thank you for reading, feedback would be appreciated a lot!

The second chapter will be much more heavy on Glimbow content.

[x--daughters-of-darkness--x]

TAYLOR MOMSEN OF THE PRETTY RECKLESS ON HER BATTLE CRY FOR LIFE, “DEATH BY ROCK AND ROLL,” OVERCOMING TRAGEDY, AND HEALING THROUGH MUSIC

“Without this album, I don’t know where I would be right now, I don’t know if I would still be around. I was that low.” Death, tragedy, substance abuse – in the 4 years since her last album for The Pretty Reckless, to say Taylor Momsen has been through a lot would be an understatement. After the passing of her long time friend and collaborator, Soundgarden’s Chris Cornell, who tragically died while touring with the band, followed by the death of their producer Kato Khandwala, her album “Death By Rock and Roll” essentially became a lifeline for her, pulling her out of a deep depression, where she had lost all hope or desire to live. She was brought back by listening to her favorite heroes including The Beatles, Led Zeppelin, and The Who, while songwriting her way back to life. What has been borne out of her darkness is an incredibly mature sound, a more sophisticated look, and soulful personal awakening that has skyrocketed the album’s title track “Death By Rock and Roll” to No 1 on the radio charts. The full album was released on February 14th, hitting No 1 on iTunes in the United States, UK, Australia, Canada, and more.

The Pretty Reckless was never the average rock band by any means. Since forming in 2008 they have had the distinction of being the first female-fronted band to have back-to-back No. 1 singles at the active rock format and the first female-fronted act to have five No. 1 singles on the Billboard chart. Momsen’s last album “Going to Hell” released in 2016 crashed the Top 5 of the Billboard Top 200, including three No. 1 hits – a feat that had not been accomplished by a female-fronted group since The Pretenders in 1984. With over half-a-billion streams, The Pretty Reckless have headlined countless sold-out shows and toured with the likes of Guns N’ Roses. “Death By Rock and Roll” marks a new era for the band, as they continue to propel themselves forward despite the pandemic or any other obstacle that may have been in their way. “I think anytime you go through loss and trauma, and one hit after the other, when life is just feeling like it’s beating you down… it forces you to grow up whether you want to or not.” Momsen was “reborn” wiser and stronger, with the music literally “pouring” out of her, “I think that this album is really, in my humble opinion, the best album we’ve ever made because it was created from such a raw and vulnerable, honest place that you can’t manufacture…”

The Untitled Magazine’s Indira Cesarine caught up with The Pretty Reckless’s frontwoman Taylor Momsen for an in-depth exclusive about her personal journey from darkness and tragedy to healing through music, how she navigated making a new album and music videos amidst the pandemic, as well as what has inspired her latest tracks, new look, and fiery, raw new direction.

I love the title of your new album “Death by Rock and Roll,” what was the inspiration behind it?

“Death by Rock and Roll“ started out as a phrase that Kato, our producer who passed and who was my best friend in the world, used to say all the time. It was kind of an ethic that we lived our life by, back in 2008 when we formed the band. It was this code of “Death by Rock and Roll” which was not morbid at all – it came from a place of “ live life your own way, go out your own way, don’t let anyone tell you differently – rock and roll till I die..”. So it’s very much like a battle cry for life. And when he passed that phrase just kept ringing in my head and I couldn’t get it out. It just made a lot of sense. It was the start of this album. I can say this is probably the first album that I had titled before I had actually written all of the material for it.

I understand you had back-to-back tragedies in your life between Chris Cornell and your producer Kato Khandwala both passing, did those experiences impact the writing on the album?

100%. Not to immediately get very heavy, but there is no way to speak about this record without talking about it. We were on tour with Soundgarden which was just the most amazing experience of my life. I’m the biggest Soundgarden fan in the world so to be opening for them and to be on that tour was absolutely incredible and then to have it end so tragically – a shock is an understatement. We were all just devastated. We were still in the middle of touring at the time, we were promoting our last record and we had another year of touring planned. We played a few shows after that but I came to the conclusion that I wasn’t in a good headspace to be public – I couldn’t get on stage every night and fake my way through a show when I was dealing with my own personal grief. So I took a step back and I canceled everything. I needed to go home to process this in my own time and not in front of the entire world. So we did that and left touring – which was not the best business decision but it was something that I really needed to do. Chris’s passing really affected all of us deeply. Soundgarden was one of the reasons we all bonded in the first place over 10 years ago. It was The Beatles and Soundgarden – so we were all going through it together. I started to write again and I was calling them [the band] and I was saying we need to move forward, let’s get in the studio – I have a few songs I don’t know what they are for, I don’t know if it’s for a record or an EP or just maybe nothing but let’s start doing something.

As soon as we started to put those plans in motion I got the phone call that Kato had died in a motorcycle accident and that was just the fucking nail in the coffin for me. I couldn’t process it. I went extraordinarily downhill very quickly into this dark headspace of just depression and substance abuse and everything that comes along with loss and grief and trauma. I didn’t really know how to get out of it. I think the bigger thing is that I didn’t know if I wanted to. I had kind of thrown my hands up into the air and was like “I quit life”. I felt like “everything I love is dead, I don’t see a future here” and that’s a really dangerous headspace to be in. To make a very long story short it took months and months and months for me to wrap my head around it and I still don’t think I have my head wrapped around it fully, but I finally got to a place where I needed music. I had shunned music for a while just because everything I listened to – no matter what the band or what the artist was – brought back some sort of memory that I wasn’t equipped to deal with –  it all brought back some sort of emotion which was just too painful.

I finally hit, I don’t want to say a rock bottom, but one of the bottoms. I needed music again so I started by listening to what made me love music in the first place – the simple answer was The Beatles. I started by listening to the Beatles again and basically started from the beginning to rebuild my love of music from scratch, from the start. I started by listening to all the Beatles records from front to back and delving into all the demos and then the anthology and from that, it turned into Led Zeppelin and The Who and Pink Floyd and eventually leading to me being able to listen to Soundgarden again and have it bring me some joy instead of just painful memories. That was the turning point for me. I eventually started to pick up a guitar.

This record is very different from our previous albums in the sense that I didn’t have to try to write it. It just poured out of me whether I wanted it to or not. It was like I opened the floodgates and this record was just born. Normally when you go to write a record or write anything you have to search for inspiration. It’s a very tortuous process – not knowing if it’s going to come or not. In this case, inspiration had been pounding me in the face and I had just been ignoring it and repressing it. So when I finally opened the floodgates it was like a dam being broken. That was really the start of the healing process where I just allowed it to flow. I wasn’t writing with any purpose, like thinking anyone would hear it, or even thinking far enough that we would even record these songs. It was just something I needed to do for my own catharsis and my own healing process. That was the start of getting my shit together or at least attempting to. So as cliché as it might sound, this music is my life. Without this album I don’t know where I would be right now, I don’t know if I would still be around. I was that low. So it really does prove the point that music saves – and it has healing power, unlike any other art form, in my opinion. I think that this album is really, in my humble opinion, the best album we’ve ever made because it was created from such a raw and vulnerable, honest place that you can’t manufacture and can’t duplicate.

So what was the first song that came out of you as you were working on it? Was it 25? What was the first track that got you rolling?

“25” was one of the first ones. It was kinda a combination. “Death by Rock and Roll” the song was something we had been working on and started writing 10 years ago but never finished. That was something we revisited early on. Finishing the lyrics and finishing writing that. But 25 was certainly the first song that I had really completed. I wrote the song when I was 24 and we recorded it right after I turned 25. It was the first song recorded for the record. That was a moment where I was in a very reflective state. It’s a very autobiographical song in a lot of ways. Just me looking back on my life. I think everyone does when they have a birthday coming up! And going through my life, where I’m at now. Even though it was written from a dark place it’s actually quite a hopeful song. It tells my life story in a metaphorical way. When I finished it, I took a step back and I looked at it and I went, I think that this might be really good, I think I might have just gotten way better. I think I might have taken a step forward in my writing. That was the start that spearheaded the rest of the record. “Death by Rock and Roll” and “25” are the two that we really started with.

Having been to your previous performances and familiar with your prior music, “25” seems like a far more mature song in many ways. It definitely seems like you’re coming from a place that’s, I don’t want to use the word “grown-up,” but it comes from a far more sophisticated point of view. And with the music video, I feel like you pushed your work in a more sophisticated direction than you have in the past. It definitely seems like a turning point for you, that song.

Thank you, and I think it certainly was. That came from just all the shit we went through, I think anytime you go through loss and trauma, and one hit after the other, when life is just feeling like it’s beating you down – that eventually your not living in a child’s mindset anymore. It forces you to grow up whether you want to or not. I feel like I grew. I aged quite a few years in a very short period of time, I guess if you want to put it that way. Cause you know when you’re confronted with death and things like that are so heavy and so real, there is no avoiding them even if you as much as you may try. It ages you. It’s just a part of life. I grew up exponentially. I don’t want to say quickly – you know I started at 24 and I’m now 27 – so it took a while, but in one way it feels like it was overnight. I think that is a huge part of that, just a lot of growth that happened in my own life very quickly that just made me start seeing things from a wiser, more grown-up perspective.

I would have to say considering you started working at the age of 2, you probably already have a more experienced view of the world than the average person. The average kid does not start working as a model and actor at 2 years old or go through the things that you went through at such a young age. If age were the sort of thing we could quantify based on experience and wisdom you probably are much older than your years.

I hear that a lot, it’s something people have told me throughout my life, “you’re so much older than your age.” I always take that with a grain of salt. Yeah, I’ve lived a very strange life. It’s not exactly average, and all of those experiences lead to who I am now. It’s all a combination of growth. I only know me so to compare myself with someone else in retrospect, it’s like well am I older or am I younger? Somedays I feel like I’m 107 and somedays I feel like I’m a 2-year-old child again. It kind of depends on the day. I never really know what I’m doing. I’m just kind of living and trying to constantly grow as a person and grow as an artist and just better everything that I do. If the last thing was great the next thing has to be better. If we were on tour and we had a great show the night before the next shows got to be better! We have to keep moving forward. I think as soon as you start to feel stagnant or you come to a conclusion that this is the best I can be, that is the death of an artist. You always have to be thinking ahead and thinking forward. As soon as you’re comfortable I feel like that’s the death of art right there.

Yeah art often comes from angst.

Yes, art comes from everywhere! Look at any artist and any sort of pain or trauma. It doesn’t always have to be negative. Positive things that have happened in one’s life, that all is a part of who you are and you have to indulge all sides of that. You have to draw from all aspects of life and sometimes that means going to the darker sides of life, subject matters that are uncomfortable to talk about. If you limit yourself in any way, like I’m just going to write about this side of things or that side of things, then you’re stunting yourself. And that’s never a good thing. You really have to be an open book which is sometimes difficult.

What is your process for writing songs, do you do it in solitude or do you work with the band while you’re writing?

There is no process! Believe me, I wish there was, it would make it a lot simpler. The only kind of constant is that Ben and I are the two songwriters of the band and we write separately but we always come together at the end. The only thing that is consistent is that it starts with an idea, and that has to be an inspired idea. It can’t be something that’s manufactured. I could sit down and craft you a song, but that’s not the kinda art that I want to put out into the world. I’m trying to make something that’s going to last a lifetime, an eternity, not something that’s just going to be a fleeting moment. That can be a struggle sometimes especially now we’re living in such a fast-paced world. Something comes out and people have already moved on before it’s been released. It’s a very A to Z society especially with social media and the way music is put out now. It’s very single-based. Call it old school if you want, I still very much love the album. To me, the album is the highest art form. An album encapsulates a moment in an artist’s life. Sometimes it’s a long moment, sometimes it’s a short one, but it encapsulates a time period. Cherry-picking songs and singles have always been a challenge for me because it doesn’t tell the whole story. You really have to listen to the whole album from front to back to get the whole picture. I can’t write with people. There’s a lot of people who do writing sessions where you sit in a room with lots of people and brainstorm ideas. That has never made sense to me. It takes isolation for me. It takes time with your own thoughts. Sometimes the song can come in 5 minutes and that’s amazing when that happens. Sometimes you spend months or years working on something. So there is no process. The only constant is that it’s me and Ben and we have a really symbiotic relationship that just works and that’s just a very lucky and fortunate thing where we’re always in sync with each other.

You can definitely tell that when the two of you are together. You don’t even need to speak, you can tell there is a sort of unspoken communication.

We definitely have that going on, and Kato was a part of that. He never wrote the songs, but he was a part of that kind of symbiotic relationship. When the band formed, I met Ben and Kato at the same time. When the three of us met it was just this kismet relationship that none of us were expecting. You meet a lot of people in life and none of us were expecting to all just click in this weird way. We felt like we had all known each other forever. In past lives, in future lives, like ‘I’ve known you my whole life’ and were just meeting. That’s something that is just so lucky. It was a very weird thing to lose him. It felt like losing a piece of myself because we were all so close. There wouldn’t be a Pretty Reckless if I had never met Kato. I met Mark and Jamie shortly after I met Ben and Kato, but he was essentially the fifth member of the band he just didn’t tour with us.

Let’s talk about your track “And So It Went,” which I understand is about the state of civil unrest. Tell me about the inspiration for the song as well as the video where you are wearing that awesome pink suit?

It’s kind of crazy looking back at it now. The song was written and recorded way before the pandemic, so it’s insane to me how relevant some of those lyrics are in particular to what’s going on in the world right now. I think that’s something that happens a lot in art.  Does life imitate art? Does art imitate life? I think it’s probably a combination of both. That song came about a few years back when I was feeling like the world was starting to feel a little off. You could just kind of feel that tug where civil unrest was starting and the world was kinda starting to go crazy. So then I wrote about it. It’s very socially driven, the song itself. I don’t want to get too detailed into it. I don’t like doing that with songs because I think it’s unfair to the listener.  I just think that it takes away an element. I always say the music is mine, it’s like my child and it’s mine. It’s my baby and I raised it and I gave birth to it and all those things. But once you put it out into the world it doesn’t belong to you anymore. It’s like sending a kid off to college or something – you have to say goodbye and you know I hope I did a good job but now it’s up to you. Since the album is just coming out I don’t want my personal take to take the song away from the listener. It doesn’t matter what it’s about to me anymore, it’s about how you relate to it and how you connect to it, and how you associate it with your own life. That’s the pinnacle right there. I think it’s strange to talk about music. It’s not meant to be talked about, it’s meant to be listened to and everything I have to say is within the song itself. I don’t really consider myself a good speaker, I’m a songwriter.

You are a very good speaker!

Thank you, but you know what I mean. Everything I’m thinking and my point of view is the way I see things. It’s all in the song that’s all right there for you to interpret but it’s not my place to preach my point of view at you.

With regards to the video, I noticed that you had these contrasting personalities – the persona in the pink suit with the crown and then the persona of you with the fishnet headgear. What was your inspiration in regards to those choices of styling? I felt like there must be something specific that you were going for?

I’m not entirely sure where all of that came from but I was really specific about it. I don’t know if it came in a dream, but I saw it in my head. Like my songs, I spend a lot of time conceiving them, as well as the videos and picturing what they should be. Then you get on set and you have to shove it all in one day. It’s a lot of prep work of me mentally working out what this video should look like and how it should flow. It’s always kind of a challenge, especially with rock music, to make a video that feels like the song. You don’t want to make something that overshadows the song and you don’t want to make something that’s completely contrasting to it. You want to make a visual representation that accentuates the music and is somehow entertaining but also makes you think and maybe listen to the song again and take it from a different perspective. I was going through and watching tons and tons of videos and was like ok, what are the best videos? it doesn’t matter the time period. I was watching a lot of Madonna and Micheal Jackson and epics like “Thriller”. Videos that were really the turning point in the music video game and how can we attempt to make something that is that visually entertaining and still hold the integrity of the music and really just put rock music back on the map again. It used to be something that was so powerful but that’s kinda dwindled over the years. I wanted to make the rock video something that was relevant again. That’s my goal with all the videos we’ve made and the ones we’re going to continue to make. To make something that holds artistic integrity and also is entertaining at the end of the day. The suit idea came from watching Annie Lennox. Her song actually has a lot of strange structure to it and an outfit that fits that kind of powerful condition that the song conveys. I don’t think I’ve ever worn a suit in my life, and you can’t go wrong with Versace. The video featured a juxtaposition with kids showing innocence and violence at the same time and how you transform over the years as you get older. There are a lot of elements to it.

I have a feeling that a lot of people are going to try to read a lot into it, with the kids with the masks, you and the crown, and your sort of snaky persona. There’s a lot of strong references going on there that definitely could warrant all kinds of interesting storylines.

I rarely read comments so when I do and read someone who’s written a whole exposé on what everything means I’m like, that’s awesome! I love reading people’s interpretations of it, it’s so fun.

Yeah, it’s great to throw it out into the world to be taken in as they will.

Yeah, and make something that’s just fun to watch and goes with the song in the best way possible. I have a lot of different sides to my personality so reflecting that in a video is important. I’m not just one-dimensional. With “25” I was sort of doing the same thing – showing different versions of myself. A woman at a bar telling her story to a ghostly bartender and a woman on a jazz stage singing to this kinda absent and ghostly audience. The rooftop scene is essentially a woman on a rooftop waiting for her lover. In “25,” I really wanted to make New York City the love of the video because I’ve had a love affair with New York since I was a baby. It felt like that was the right thing instead of making it a person.

Are you currently in New York?

No, I’m back in Maine which is good, but it’s fucking cold in February. I miss New York desperately. Even during COVID – just being there a week and a half, even though we were working nonstop – just to feel a little bit of the energy again was like a breath of fresh air. I haven’t left Maine – we made the record here and so I’ve been in Maine for quite a while. I’m a New York girl. That’s where I primarily live but I feel like it made sense to stay in Maine during all of this madness.

Do you have a studio in your house?

I don’t have a studio but I do have a little recording setup that I’ve had to figure out. That was my biggest challenge of COVID was figuring out how to record myself from home because I don’t do that, I’m not an engineer. I write songs, I play the songs, I sing the songs. I am not a recording engineer by any means. I’m very technologically challenged. It was probably the first time I’ve opened a computer in 8 years while figuring out how to do a zoom meeting. Trying to record on the computer, I gave up on that really quickly. It just didn’t feel organic. I didn’t like it so I went back to how I used to record myself when I was young with my battery-packed analog four-track. That’s how I’ve been making all of the songs and recordings that we’ve done during the pandemic – which is probably not the easiest way, but it works for me.

Is the whole band recording at the house in Maine or are you guys separated and coming together to work on stuff, how do you have it set up?

No, we’re all separated. But we are all relatively close. The whole reason I got a house in Maine in the first place was because of the band. Ben and I live in New York but Mark and Jamie live in New England and our rehearsal stage is up here. We were supposed to be going on tour back in the beginning of 2020. After the record cover photoshoot which was back in March, I was coming back up here to rehearse. We were starting rehearsals and the pandemic hit and the lockdown hit. I just got stuck up here and decided to stay. I love Maine. Maine and New York are kind of the perfect juxtaposition of each other because one has such energy and one has such isolation – it’s great for when you just need to get inside your own head. I’m a huge Stephen King fan and it made a lot of sense for him that he had a place where he wrote all his masterpieces. And I have always loved England and have wanted to move to England, so New England is a good first step.

So you came to New York for a week or so and shot all of your videos back to back. How was that experience? Was it incredibly overwhelming to deal with that level of interaction with people and intensity? It must have been one extreme to the other to be in Maine and then to come to New York to work on all those productions.

It was like jumping into the deep end again. It was really fun though. Even though we weren’t playing a show and we were making videos – you know those drums are still real, Jamie’s still hitting the drums. The amp is still plugged in. It was almost a celebration in one way because it was the first time I’d seen the guys in over a year. That alone was just super fun. I’m such a hypochondriac, so the weeks leading up to it I was freaking out a bit about having to be around all those people. We took every safety protocol possible. We had COVID officers on set, with every test possible – 48-hour tests, 24-hour tests, 12-hour tests, and 15 minute testing on set. You were cleared before you were allowed in the building every day. It was a lot of prep work to make sure everyone was as safe as possible. Once I cleared that out of my mind, I just went into work mode. I almost got tunnel vision where I can’t see anything but what’s in front of me which is creating something amazing or at least attempting to. The fear of [Covid] kinda drifted away. My mindset went to art immediately. Once I’m in that mindset it’s hard to get me out of it. It was hard to come back to Maine afterward, I was on such an adrenaline rush. It took me two weeks to be able to calm down. To come back to complete isolation – like I was in the middle of nowhere on an island off the coast of Maine – it’s that remote. So to come back to that after all that excitement was a little like, I don’t know what to do with myself now!

Are you planning any interesting activations with the new album due to the pandemic with tours on hold? I’m assuming you can’t tour at the moment?

We can not. We keep booking tours and they keep getting postponed. So we’re kind of in the same boat as every other band right now, it’s just a waiting game. I just don’t know when it’s actually going to come back, I’m hopeful that it will be sooner than later, but who knows. I miss it desperately, so fingers crossed. it’s very strange times we’re living in and you got to ride out the storm.

Are you doing any virtual programming aside from the music videos and track releases?

It’s certainly something we’ve been talking about and depending on how the world continues to go it’s something that we’re considering at this point. But it’s not the same as singing in the room with a live show. It’s one night where your relationship with your instrument, the band, being on stage, that symbiotic relationship you get with the fans is unlike anything else. It’s like a drug, it’s like a high you can’t get anywhere else. During the lockdown, just to keep my creative juices flowing, I’ve been doing quite a few acoustic things on our own songs. I’ve done a piano version of “House On a Hill,” which is something I’ve been wanting to do for many years but had never gotten around to it. So in one way, it’s kind of a blessing in disguise where I’ve gotten to do collaborations and covers of songs which is not something I generally gravitate towards doing. I covered the “Keeper” with Alain Johannes and “Half Way There” with Matt Cameron. Most recently I was just a part of the David Bowie tribute concert. Things like that have been keeping me going. As much as I love acoustic guitar I’m desperately missing electricity! I’m looking forward to the day where I can just get back in a rehearsal space with the four of us. Let’s just start there where we can actually plugin and turn it up, because there is nothing else like it. The deprivation of that is starting to wear on me – like it is for everyone. I’m not the first person to say this. I think everyone is missing it. So fingers crossed for the future!

I’m really excited for people to hear this album. We have worked so incredibly hard on it and I’m so, so proud of it. I’m really excited for it to be out in the world and for everyone to be able to listen to it.

[neocatharsis]

The World Famous NCT 127’s Creative Members Share Their Thoughts; Fashion, Music, Lifestyle, Favorite Things… What is Your Style?[YUTA's Interview]

Read full interview here: https://www.mensnonno.jp/post/30978/

Some excerpts:

How Do You Remain True To Yourself?

MN: The biggest focus for this interview series is to let readers to think about themselves, whether it’s fashion style or life principles, or whatever topics, along with the members of NCT 127. We had members of NCT 127 answer some questions previously, and we thought that your message was brilliant, so we wanted to share it before our conversation on it.

“‘Getting to know yourself’ is a very difficult term for me. I let myself choose different things, whether it’s fashion or music, depending on the time and my mood. But even doing so, I need to show my original self. Even when you change something, I value having something to express my personality. What’s important is that what you like doesn’t reflect your personality necessarily, but how you interpret yourself is.”

Y: Wow, is it me who wrote it(LOL)? This is embarrassing!

MN: Yes it was you(LOL). You moved to a foreign country by yourself and you are active with talented members of NCT 127, so we believe you already have your strength and personality. You wrote your answer so sincerely and we were impressed by it. We are even embarrassed having asked you such a question without putting much thought into it(LOL). So we’d like to know how you found this thought.

Y: Well, I’ve had a big problem understanding something for a while. People often say to me, “That is so you!” “It doesn’t suit you” or “Doesn’t it fit you?” But my question has been who gets to decide what suits me? It depends on the person what ‘fits’. Each one of us has had different path in the past, so one can have different values, right?

Especially in this digital age, many people tend to believe in what is visible. But I tend to think that you have to look at the things deep within you. When we think about our professions, we know that, after all, our fans tend to see how they want to see us. However, I think it’s great when a person can find something in between what he or she wants to convey and other people’s expectations. It could be one’s strength, too. But in the end, I think what you’re content with becomes your identity and style. You can dress in a certain way and listen to specific types of music depending on the day and the mood. If you are confident, you become comfortable that people see where you come from.

MN: You want to be confident and you don’t want to be subject to each time when people say that something ‘isn’t you’.

Y: Exactly. Here is an interesting story. One of our members, Jungwoo, wanted to wear long pierced earrings and he wanted to hear my opinion as I like pierced earrings. He bought a new pair, but he told me it didn’t look like his style. I said to him, “You aren’t used to what you look like with the long pair, but it might just become your style if you keep on wearing it.” This story overlaps with what I said about personality. I said to Jungwoo, “Though some people may say ‘It doesn’t fit you’ when you try a new style or a new way of things, your personality is what you believe in, so you just have to be confident”.

MN: Is this a thought that developed recently?

Y: I have thought about it for a long time. Ever since I chose to make my debut in South Korea.

MN: We are interested in what makes you, YUTA-san, feel right, and what condition you feel that way.

Y: In terms of my mood, music, and fashion, lately, I feel right when I’m listening to rock music.

MN: We heard you like Japanese rock.

Y: I absolutely love it. I especially love and adore HYDE and MIYAVI. I think I have loved their taste for a long while. So recently, I started telling others, “ I LOVE it!”. It’s just that I didn’t tell others about it, but I loved them from way back.

What Is The Relationship Like Between Members You Can Trust?

MN: Among the members of NCT 127, do you talk about the good characteristics of each member? When you were asked about what you are proud of the other members, you wrote,

“Each one of us has a very rich facial expression.”

Y: Haha! We don’t say it(LOL), but I am sure all of us know the good qualities each one of us has to offer. While it’s been about 4 years since we made the debut as NCT 127, we’ve been together for 8 years as we formed a pre-debut training team before. So we don’t have a lot of opportunities to talk about and encourage what is good about each member. Um, I think and I hope that everyone has the same thought as I do.

MN: You understand each other as if you could read each other’s minds.

Y: Yes, exactly. We are connected in that way. We sometimes have opposing opinions, but we never had a serious fight.

MN: You are a globally active artist and in our first interview with you, we were impressed when you pointed it out,

“I make my best effort to figure out how I can make myself understood by people and how I can make my point while respecting others. It’s not about the language differences, but it’s about expressing your opinions and feelings. It’s not an issue about which language you can speak or can’t.”

Is this something you still value?

Y: Yes, I always keep it in my mind. More than ever, we had various experiences together as a team, so we can understand each other without any arguments.

MN: To our question, “What does NCT 127 mean to you?” you answered,

“NCT 127 is the place where I can be happy, be frustrated, be down, and be enjoying myself.”

What makes you especially feel happy?

Y: Yes, we have some happy moments! These are simple things, but lately, I like having meals together, celebrating a member’s birthday, and going out shopping sometimes. Because of the spread of COVID-19, now we can find time out of our busy schedules to do things we couldn’t do before and to enjoy a relaxing time together. When we aren’t working, we are just like students. That’s the way we think of ourselves. We have fun goofing around just like children. There are moments when I find something new or a new side of other members – those are the times when I realize, “I never knew this side to them.” Because I get to know more about them, I appreciate those small moments.

MN: You can experience all kinds of emotions when you are with NCT 127. NCT 127 has had a big impact on you?

Y: I believe that NCT 127 made the person who I am today. Whether when I am happy or sad, and even now, as the person being interviewed, everything is influenced by NCT 127. Ever since my debut and up till now, NCT 127 made me who I am.

MN: Going a little off-topic, but to the question of “A weakness you want to overcome,” you replied, “Getting tired of things easily.”

Y: I get bored with things very easily! I am not consistent – it’s easy to get excited and get bored at the same time. When I am excited, I do the same thing all day long, but then, I get bored. However, I have been practicing the guitar recently as a way of expanding my interests. I also love rock bands, so I thought it would be nice if I could sing along with my guitar.

MN: Do you want to perform with your guitar at a concert?

Y: Sure! Though I don’t know I can go as far as playing it in a concert(LOL). I just try my best to keep practicing.

What Supports Your Confidence?

MN: For our question on “What makes you proud of yourself,” YUTA-san, you answered that,

“Being a hardworking Japanese abroad! It made me become responsible and appreciate my country more.” When are some instances when you feel this way?

Y: I became more responsible ever since my mother kept on sending me thesis-like messages. She sends me messages such as, ‘All of your fans are caring about you so much’, or ‘They are supporting you in many ways.’ Whenever I read her messages, I become emotional and touched to realize that I have people’s support. I feel their love and I want to return it as soon as possible. In the meantime, my mother’s messages made me understand some of the things I need to be careful about, such as ‘I need to act in a certain way,’ or ‘I have to be cautious about these things.’

MN: That is the mother’s love. Does she send them every day?

Y: Everyday! Well, I may have exaggerated it (LOL). I appreciate her for sending them quite often, though.

MN: Is it like ‘Today’s Letter’?

Y: Pretty much(LOL). She writes to me like ‘Today, I heard a fan say something nice.’ It makes me very happy.

MN: She will be sure to send you the reaction to this interview piece(LOL). We hope that you can see her soon

Y: Indeed. I want to have her homemade meals!