#I love reading your meta and I love combing through our differences of opinion

[randomfoggytiger]

sometimes i really struggle with differing opinions in this fandom, but i looooove the way you write about x files. like it never feels antagonistic so i really enjoy when you see it differently. and when we see it the same/similarly it's like yeah we're right !!!! correct opinion ✅

Exactly!! And same to you-- I love that you understand Chris's vision and embrace his methods, even if I steer on the side of "final outcome trumps effort/intent." It's a mindset that keeps me on my toes; and truly does help me appreciate the subtler beauty the writers wove into the show.

And it's funny to me that we're fact check true on so many thoughts except TFWID-- that's geniunely hilarious. XDDD

[panharmonium]

hey guys, semi-rhetorical question,

what exactly do i have to do in order to stop total strangers from leaving their unsolicited opinions on posts that i wrote for myself, on my own blog, behind a cut, not under the merlin tag, with a disclaimer saying “it’s cool if we have different opinions, feel free to scroll on by if this isn’t your jam”?

how many more steps do i have to take to remind strangers on the internet that i am not soliciting commentary and that not everything is an invitation for debate?  it’s frustrating enough that i feel like i have to take these steps at all - basic etiquette should be enough for people to understand that when you see a take you don’t agree with, you can just go ahead and scroll past it.  

i am going to try to muse about this in the gentlest way possible, because it’s hard to know on the internet whether people are maybe just too young to realize these things, or maybe they just weren’t thinking in that particular moment (like - the way i would talk about this with a young person is not the same way i would talk to a fandom veteran who ought to know better, for instance), but this is definitely a recurring thing on tumblr that i have experienced numerous times, and which i do think is aggravated by the structure of the platform.  and, given that tumblr does not have the old LJ-style functionality of friends-only or anything like that, the truth is that this site can make it kind of a challenging to establish a comfortable space for yourself, which is something that has bothered me for a long time.

this is why i started putting disclaimers on meta in the first place.  i know it’s hard to remember, given the structure of this website, but not everything on the internet is written in the spirit of “prove me wrong.”  that’s why i started writing preludes saying “this is how *I* engage with the show.  it is fine if *YOU* engage with the show a different way.  i am just writing in my own space for my own personal enjoyment, please feel free to continue enjoying the show in your own way.”

as an example - this is the disclaimer i put on a piece of meta that recently earned itself some unsolicited commentary (boldings added now, for emphasis [and yes, the commentary has been removed already, to protect that user’s anonymity; i’m not interested in pointing fingers at specific people, just in discussing the dynamics of a wider phenomenon that i encounter sometimes on this website]):

just some meandering thoughts on where the thematic center of merlin bbc lies for me, and how it weaves itself in and out of my fandom experience.

under a cut because this is a) sort of long and b) not really directed anywhere but my own brain, as i keep thinking about and creating for this show.

[as always, before i get rolling, a reminder: when i write about how i engage with this show, it’s just me talking about what gives me, personally, the most satisfaction or enjoyment, not the way i think everybody should do things.  if this isn’t your particular read, please feel free to scroll past.  i am not ever going to bother anybody for engaging with this show in their own way, so please don’t worry about it if we are not on the same page.]

when i look at that, i’m not sure how much clearer i can be.  i’m not sure what part of this says, “send me a six-paragraph screed about how vehemently you disagree with me, as if i personally placed this analysis in your inbox and forced you to read it.”

do you know how often in a day i see fandom posts that i disagree with?  every time i see a merthur post, for instance, i think to myself “ugh, this is not remotely accurate.”  but i have never, in my life, left a reply on someone’s post telling them how wrong i think their take is.  that’s just not polite, and it’s just not necessary.  what do i care if someone has a different opinion than me?  they are just having fun in their own area.  it doesn’t make sense for me to enter their space and tell them what i, personally, think of their take.  they aren’t asking me for a debate.  they are hanging out on their own blog, having a good time in their own way.  i am glad they are enjoying themselves!  i am happy to let them keep having fun!  i do not need to insert myself into that conversation and rain on their parade.

i know this is something tumblr culture isn’t always good about understanding (and i know the structure of this website makes it almost impossible to remember, too; i do get that), but just, as a gentle reminder: me posting an analysis on my own blog, in my own space, is not equivalent to me saying “you, a stranger on the internet, must agree with this!”  me posting on my own blog is not directed at you at all.  it has nothing to do with you.  i did not send you that post.  i did not ask you to read it.  i did not put it in your inbox.  i did not insert myself into your space.  i did not ask for your attention.  i did not come anywhere NEAR you.  i don’t even know who you are.  i don’t mind if you engage with this show in a different way.  it does not affect me.  i have never and will never leave contentious replies on posts that i disagree with in order to try to convince people they’re wrong.  i have never in my life sent somebody a message to change their mind about a fandom opinion of theirs that i believe to be ill-conceived.

i see posts that i disagree with every day, and every single time, i scroll past them.  i leave them alone.  i let people have their fun.

i understand that the knee-jerk reaction on this platform is for us to react to everything as if it’s being shouted at us, personally, through a megaphone, and a lot of this is a structural problem on this website, i know.  i know that.  it’s bothered me for years.  the reblog function creates a system where posts leave their homes quickly, so it’s all too easy for people to feel like an OP is seeking them out and forcing them to read something, or soliciting contributions from the wider internet.  but we HAVE to remember the structure of the forum we’re in - any particular post you stumble across was written on an individual blog, and the individual who wrote it did not ask you to look at it.  they had no control over whether you saw it or not.  it wasn’t directed at you personally, and it isn’t an automatic invitation for caustic debate with strangers, either.  

people are allowed to write about their own fandom thoughts on their own blogs.  the act of writing about one’s own fandom thoughts on one’s own blog is not equivalent to canceling someone else’s fun, or stopping other people from liking/disliking things in whatever way they please.  i am allowed to write about my own opinions, in my own space, without worrying about other people who might wander by, catch a glimpse of my house through the window, and get upset because i’m “telling them” something they didn’t agree with.  i didn’t “tell you” anything!  you came here yourself.  i did not send this post to you.  i did not visit your blog and tell you ‘you’re doing fandom wrong.’  i don’t even know who you are.  we have never spoken to each other in our lives.  you don’t follow me, we’re not friends, and my post (in this particular instance) has zero reblogs - the only place you could have read it was on my own blog, which you chose to visit.

i’ve met tons of great people on here, and we’ve had lots of fun conversations.  and sometimes our takes are not even the same!  but i don’t mind that, because we’ve introduced ourselves to each other and have already developed a friendly relationship.  like, just today, i was having a fantastic convo about hunith where myself and the other participant weren’t 100% on the same page, but we were still having a great time with the discussion.  i don’t mind talking to people who have different opinions than me - to be honest, most of the topics about which i recently received a bunch of unsolicited commentary were actually things that i have written about previously, and that i would’ve loved to have talked about more, under different circumstances.  but i do mind strangers barreling into my house uninvited and then lecturing me, via a series of long, combative messages (devoid of any background context that could have been gleaned from the rest of my writing), about how the ultimate message of merlin bbc is that “the only correct way to fight oppression is to suck your oppressors dick.”

like.  was that necessary?

if we were friends, or even acquaintances, you would know that i do in fact talk about this theme a lot.  but we’re not, and i am not interested in having a conversation with someone whose first message to me was a) an unsolicited argument and b) a reference to metaphorically sucking someone off.  i have literally never met you before in my life.  you did not say hello, you did not introduce yourself.  and you jumped right into that?  

it’s just not polite.  i wouldn’t approach a stranger like that in real life.  it’s not cool to do it on the internet, either.

and just to be clear - i don’t have anything personally against any of the people who have ever sent me messages like this.  i’m not mad about it, and i really do think that for the most part it’s not intended to be malicious in any way; i just think people legitimately don’t register that this isn’t an okay way to approach someone.  so just - in the spirit of maybe helping people pause before they interact with somebody else like this, because i’m pretty chill myself, but other people might be more rankled by it - please, next time, just stop and think for a second.  if it helps to ask yourself “would i interact with this person like this if we were off the internet,” then definitely consider that.  entering someone else’s space for the sole purpose of leaving them negative commentary, when you have never met them before, and when they did not come anywhere near you or ask for your attention or approach you in any way, is not a good way to start a conversation with a stranger, especially when that person’s work specifically states “these are my own thoughts, not a directive for how others should do things/if you have a different take, no worries; feel free to just scroll past.” 

*deep breath* ...anyhow.  

there is no “friends-only” option on tumblr, so i don’t really know what else i can do to make it clear that i am only writing about my own thoughts and my own experiences, and if your thoughts and experiences are different, cool!  go have fun!  i don’t need you to agree with me about everything.  i will never, ever come to your blog and leave you notes about all the ways i think your analysis is flawed, especially when i’ve never met you and haven’t read your other work, plenty of which address the “disagreements” i have.  i just don’t think it’s a polite or fun thing to do to others, and i would love it if people could extend me the same courtesy.

[fadedtoblue]

Do you have any advice on how to avoid or not take any hate against Elektra seriously? There are so many hates from all over the place towards Elektra and it makes me sad. I'm not so calm like you and I tend to fight with people if they come at my faves, so can you advice me on how to stay calm when I see Elektra hate? I know she's problematic, and she won't be everyone's fave, but the way many people are towards her is hurtful and sad and ignorant.

Anon, I really appreciate you sending this my way. 

Feeling sadness, hurt, anger, and/or wanting to fight people for disrespecting your fave – completely relatable feelings imo. I know that I present a fairly calm facade on this blog, which is a very purposeful choice I’ve made in this space and one I’ll get into a little more in a bit, but just to helpfully shatter the illusion, my initial emotional reaction runs the exact same course as yours! And you know what, it helps – A LOT – to allow yourself to process this stuff as your emotions require. Personally, I do a lot of flailing, ranting to my husband (he’s heard quite an earful from me post-Defenders lol) and/or to a small number of people who I feel comfortable DM’ing, who share my love of Elektra / this ship. You just don’t see it, because I keep that part private. But after I’ve gotten that out of my system, then I focus on being really intentional on how I respond to it publicly.

Being deliberate and intentional in my public response is really important to me. I’ve been interacting in online fandoms since…8th grade? Which for me will have been almost 20 years ago (DON’T DO THE MATH LOL). I’ve seen how fandom has changed and how much it’s stayed the same and while I love that social media and technology has brought so many more of us together, I’ve also been fairly dismayed at the slow death of the respectful exchange of ideas on every level, with fandom / ship wars being a microcosm of that. So I know this might feel out of place nowadays or even just plain old-fashioned, but I still believe in discoursing with some amount of respect, even if I very strongly disagree with the other person. I just haven’t seen much direct good done by being perpetually outraged or combative, and I find that it’s more likely I can make someone pause and potentially change their mind on something they may have felt strongly opposed to if I can at least treat their differing perspective with some kindness rather than outright disdain. 

Now, I’m certainly not perfect in this. I still get worked up. I still lose my cool, especially in the face of people being assholes and just downright disrespectful. You’ll find at least a small handful of rather inelegant STOP ATTACKING ELEKTRA posts on this blog lol. So this is definitely not me saying, hey, just let people walk all over the things you enjoy. But it’s all about standing up for the things you like and love with thoughtfulness and intention. My intention is mostly to help foster conversation around Elektra that may help clear up a lot of the misunderstanding about her character. Since this has pretty much become a fanblog for Mattelektra, taking that tack is a lot more productive because I know people will ask me about it and the more informative and calm I can be in my responses, the more people will take it seriously. In order for me to effectively do this, that means giving myself some space AFTER initially reacting to something negative to think about what I want to do next. It means opening up a draft and getting a lot of my initial emotion out in words, and then going back in after a couple hours to edit (I literally never send out anything online, with the exception of DMs, without editing it first). 

Your intention is ultimately more simple than mine – just wanting to stay calm in the face of the hate – but a lot of the same steps still apply! So to wrap this up with some actionable advice :):

When you see jerkface comments / posts about Elektra – don’t avoid it or try to suppress yourself, let yourself react! Getting it out is ultimately a positive thing!

Don’t let your initial response be the one that goes public first. I’m a huge advocate for writing it out somewhere that allows you to process through the first round of emotions and then going back in to edit when you’re not feeling as emotional. 

Do try your best to be kind and respectful to people who might not like Elektra – not all of them are jerks. I’ve found support for Elektra in some of the most unlikely places…

…but realize that there will ALWAYS be assholes on the internet. And I’ve learned that if someone is so dead set on being an asshole about something, their opinion is probably not worth paying attention to. If their dick attitude is going to seriously start to harsh your buzz over Elektra / whatever, just block them. 

Advocating successfully for our girl Elektra means knowing what you want to say when you’re trying to defend her to internet haters! Make a list of talking points or notes that keep you on track if you feel like you get distracted. Or have links to Elektra-positive metas (they exist!) if you need somewhere to start!

Find support! Either to rant about people who are haters (focused private ranting is my idea of fandom self-care lol), or to connect over a shared love of Elektra and happily discuss all of the positive things about our wonderful, problematic fave :). My asks and messages are open to anyone who wants to chat about Elektra, including you!

I hope this has been a helpful read!

[sarahsocial]

Wishful Shopping: Best New Beauty

The pace at which beauty products are released is relentless and the hype around each release has turned into pure noise. Sifting through the fancy press trips, PR packages, and ad campaigns can make it difficult to distinguish between the gimmicks and the gems, even for the professional beauty consumer. These are the innovative new concepts, product formulations, and friend recommendations that have caught my attention this month.

1: Smashbox Studio Skin Foundation, $42

Over brunch, my delightful friend Alle (of Revelist viral beauty tutorial fame) and I were digging through our makeup bags and discussing our favorite products. Naturally, the conversation turned to foundation, prompted by my recent love of It Cosmetics Confidence In A Compact serum foundation. I’ve been a longtime lover of Revlon ColorStay, L’Oreal Infallible & Lancome’s Teint Idole long wearing formula’s, so when Alle sang the highest praises of Smashbox’s Studio Skin Foundation, it quickly bounced to the top of my wishlist.

2: Ouai Dry Shampoo Foam, $28

Expensive dry shampoo, I wish I could quit you. The $22 I spent on the Living Proof dry shampoo might have been the gateway to expensive dry shampoos, because the $28 on Ouai’s Dry Shampoo Foam didn’t even make me think twice. Both Ouai and Drybar released similar cleansing foam products, but Ouai takes the advantage because you can apply their formula onto dry hair. As someone with oily roots & dry ends who washes her hair two to three times per week, if foam can clean my roots more effectively, then I will gladly give away every can of my dry shampoo.

3: Bite Beauty The Lip Pencil, $18

It has taken me a long time to come around to Bite Beauty, but after the perfection that is the Amuse Bouche Lipstick, I’m a total convert. To determine the shades for the Amuse Bouche range, Bite leaned heavily on data collected from their Lip Lab locations, so I hope they’ve taken the same approach in creating shades for their lip liners. Bite’s neutral tones are some of my favorite, and their pigmentation is always on point, so I can’t imagine that this launch would disappoint. If you have color recommendations, please leave them in the comments below!

4: Jergens Natural Glow Wet Skin Moisturizer, $9

Self-tanners have come a long way since the streaky, orange-tinted disasters we used to have in our showers. I’ve long been obsessed with the Jergens Natural Glow line of gradual self-tanners, but the latest launch takes it to a whole new level. They’ve combined the convenience of an in-shower moisturizer with gradual tanning technology. it’s the ultimate lazy girl product and I can’t wait to get my hands on it.

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5: Shhowercap, $43

I’ve spent more time than I’m comfortable admitted wandering around drugstores looking for a shower cap that isn’t terrible. I’ve even resorted to buying character versions, like pigs & frogs, from TJ Maxx just for something different. Finally, we have a luxury option that uses performance fabric and actually looks cute. The price is a bit steep, but worth the splurge.

6: NARS Soft Matte Complete Concealer, $30

When NARS launched Radiant Creamy Concealer, beauty girls everywhere collectively lost their minds, so it’s no surprise that their latest release is hiding eye bags everywhere. The reviews I’ve read & seen thus far rave about full coverage and line-filling properties. I might use my missing Radiant Creamy Concealer in Vanilla as an excuse to pick a pot of my own up ASAP.

7: Maybelline Brow Perfecting Highlighter, $8

Maybelline’s brow products have been rocking my world, so when I heard they launched a Brow Perfecting Highlighter, my curiosity got the best of me. I’m not the type to do a full Instagram brow (and, tbh, I don’t know that I have the skills), but I do love the idea of a concealer to clean up the edges when I’m lazy. A simple concealer brush could serve the same purpose, but I love the ease and shape of this concept. Necessary? No. Intriguing? Absolutely.

8: Maybelline Color Sensational Inti-Matte in Brown Blush, $6

As soon as I heard about Brown Blush & the Inti-Matte collection, I rushed to my trusty new beauty release source, Harmon, and combed the numerous displays. Every shade was in stock except, of course, the one shade I was truly interested in. Brown Blush, also known as color 575, is what I would describe as a rosewood, or a purple-toned pink is mixed with a hint of brown. It’s a natural evolution from the neutral pink lips towards a nod to the 90s and it’s sold out everywhere.

9: Tarte Shape Tape Concealer, $24

The hype around this Tarte concealer just won’t die. People whose opinions I trust & respect have traveled to the outer reaches of Queens just to find it, and that is a testimony in itself. I generally only conceal under my eyes, so the claims of full coverage appeal directly to my desperate need to conceal those pesky under eye circles. I’ve heard those that have tried both that they love the NARS Soft Matte Complete Concealer more, so it may soon edge out my curiosity, but let’s be honest: a girl can never have enough concealer.

The post Wishful Shopping: Best New Beauty appeared first on styleitonline.com by Sarah Conley.

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