#I love going on hikes w my best friend and camping with my dad | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

gracethefoundfamilyfan · 1 month ago

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ok ok ok i gotta rant a little bit

idk if im ace or aro or not and im cool w not knowing cuz i barely know anything about myself atm i just starting forming my own personality actively like a year and a half ago

BUT

i always assumed i would end up without a bf, out of all of my friends, bc my goals in a hypothetical relationship are to be best friends and borderline soulmates before even BREACHING the topic of romance. this is made easier by the fact that i have literally NEVER felt physical attraction towards anyone, and i'm a young adult, ok? everyone i know except for my aro friends have been in at least one relationship. not to say guys haven't tried!!! i've had two or three people ask me out, and i loved all of them-- just not in that way. my faith calls me to love all people unconditionally and deeply, to value and treasure them as a reflection of perfection and a deep, vast universe of experiences greater than i can begin to comprehend, and so, yes, i love people. my friends and i are very physically affectionate, and our conversations are deep and meaningful, and we show up for each other and care for each other and i think we love each other well. i try to extend that love to everyone i meet, no matter who they are. I love everyone, and i invite everyone to show love back! but not romance. i've never experienced that.

but lately something has felt different with this one specific guy. we've known each other for about seven years thru church. he's a year older than me, but he's so mature it feels like we live on different planets-- until this year, when we both applied to be summer interns at our church and got accepted. suddenly me and Mysterious Quiet Man are spending 30+ hours a week working side by side managing events, remodeling the children's room, leading projects, cooking meals, cleaning out closets-- and you know what? i'm so intimidated by this quiet stoic guy that I literally don't talk to him unless i have to. we work in companiable silence unless it's absolutely necessary for us to talk, because he's an introvert and idk how to do life. still, being in the same space teaches me a bit about him. He doesn't know as much as I think he does, it's just that he's so quiet I always assume he knows what's going on. He actually is capable of making mistakes-- he misspelled the name of the church on a pdf he sent for 50+ signs and had to fix it-- and he's really self-conscious about his art. we have a few artists in common when it comes to music taste. etc.

and then. AND FREAKING THEN. we go to church camp. Our one week off the whole summer, and we're both so in need of release that we turn into complete freaking idiots. AND! AND! WE ACTUALLY START TALKING!

he likes really deep, complex mystery books. he's terrified of graduating. he feels like he's leaving his life behind. he's going into trade school to be an electrician. he plays d&d. he thinks i'm an okay drummer. he loves swimming. his cousin drives him crazy but he would take a bullet for her, and if i tell her that i'm screwed. he does INCREDIBLE Renaissance fair costumes. his whole family is into music and he's grateful that he has people to teach him stuff. he's the most Band Kid in existence. he's super into coffee but hates how caffeine feels. Little people scare him. He loves hiking. He wishes he was more athletic, like his dad. he wants to write a book, but he doesn't know what yet. he's a good leader when he has to be. He hates raising his voice.

And he thinks I'm funny.

HE THINKS I'M FUNNY. In a dorky, kinda awkward way, sure, but good LORD I made him smile more than I've ever seen him smile at that camp (especially when he scared me and i did a full on backwards roll into my sister, that was fun), and I'm so freaking proud of myself for that.

still, all of this is normal for me! I love discovering new things about people! My respect and genuine appreciation for human beings grow when I begin to understand them, wow, that's how that works! That means nothing!

and then we lead the last four weeks of August Sunday school, and he helps me with my message when it feels like it's falling apart, and he gives me a little (awful) pep talk when I feel like I screwed up. He says I work better with kids than he ever could. I tell him you just have to treat them like really new adults. He crushes his next lesson.

and then we teach a bunch of kids science for a week. He helps me keep them in check, I help him not get too stressed over the details. the lady running the camp asks us to put together a crime scene for the kids to solve at the end of the week, with us as the culprits. we sign our names on secret plans, tear them up, scatter them around. we make it obvious that we leave right before the time of the crime so they'll suspect us. when he leaves, i make sure they notice, 'cause he's not quite loud enough. we scatter cookie crumbs around our chairs. we have not-so-quiet little conversations about the morality of stealing cookies with the other kids. We let the director chew us out for disappearing, and he asks if i'm ok when her Oscar-worthy performance actually scares me a little bit. the kids drag all the suspects into the hot seats. they examine our hands. a jury forms, and a police team-- i freaking love these kids, if i haven't made that clear, they're little geniuses when you actually let them use their imaginations. We get questioned. Our handwriting gets examined. So do our fingerprints. Then (my favorite part) we improv a whole story about how we're innocent, throwing shade at my sister and her stuffed sheep. Then we twist it on the director, bc she's the only one with access to the kitchen (not true btw). The kids see thru our lies, bc half of them have parents who've worked here to feed the homeless or make breakfast on Mother's Day or whatever. He yells at people. I yell at my sister. We put on a freaking awesome performance, and my energy bounces off of his-- we make a great team, and I haven't seen him this energetic ever. My sister makes a stupid joke, and he's so caught up in it that he laughs so hard he ends up on the floor. I buzz about that for the next hour.

Then, he gets incriminated. Playing my part, I pull the Among Us move and try to get him in the spotlight so I get voted innocent. They're about to take him away.

And then he grabs me by the shoulders, heaves me up, forces me in front of him, and says "IF I'M GETTING CAUGHT, SHE'S GOING DOWN WITH ME!" We get darn near tackles by a swarm of kids who are totally in-character-- one of them has even got the waterworks going, and he looks at me and says 'I trusted you, mom!'. I give my tearful apology, and then I wrench myself free (he never let go, that's kinda weird) and declare: "OKAY, FINE, YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT WE DID? DANIEL, YOU GAVE US AWAY, WHY DON'T YOU TELL THEM"

cue four minutes of what my friend called 'old married couple arguing' over whose fault it was.

and then we reveal the ice cream sandwiches we supposedly made with the cookies we supposedly stole, and all of a sudden we're forgiven.

best afternoon ever spent.

slight caveat.

forty kids now ship me and him. one of them makes a little heart with our initials on it. he sees it. i don't get to see his reaction bc my sister almost drops a whole gatorade cooler worth of lemonade and i have to run over to help her.

and then, the internship is over. we don't see each other for another month. when we do, he's an adult staffer, and i'm still just an assistant. but he sticks around the youth stuff, since we don't have anyone who can play the lower bells on the youth handbell choir. i get a new little Padawan to teach in the ancient technique of making metal things go clang. I'm also lined up in the perfect way that I can see his eyes light up every single time we get a complicated polyrhythm right or finally manage to hit a key change without sounding like a horror film just started. i also get to see him bounce when our director tells him he can chaperone on our trip to the bell fest if he wants.

bell fest gets cancelled. the director gets us permission to use the church and host our own. guy in question is the first one to get there and the last one to leave, and i'm second. old internship habits die hard. or maybe we just care too much.

"It's not quite the same," he says when I ask, "but it's still really nice."

i think he thinks it's about the people, just like I do.

That's also when I notice we both have a little brown freckle in our eyes. His are ice blue, though, and they've got little patterns in them. I was only looking to make sure he was telling the truth.

we host a local mission trip, and i get to see him chase the goof of the group around trying to get his weedwhacker back. two nights later, I'm trying to get said goof off my drum set ten minutes before a performance so we can do our final soundcheck and Guy stares him right off the stage, and then gets all of us waters and me a pad so my stupid kick will stop sliding around. I hadn't even thought to ask.

now it's two months later, and our church is fracturing. we've gone a year and a few months without a pastor, and people are getting tired of it. Everyone's doing a little more than they can handle trying to fill the wake our old (retired) pastor left behind. there's spiritual warfare. the guy the pastor search committee brought in tried to convince us half of our Bible was fake. people are getting hit right in their weak spots, and people are scared, and everyone's getting hurt and tired and there's talk of giving up.

we hold a conference to air out our feelings. anything can be said. on mic. and it won't be held against us. we need to get messy, get empty, hug it out, and start fresh with all this petty crap behind us. we listen to person after person air out their fears, frustrations, angers, hurts, etc, and towards the end I get up and take the mic.

"I wasn't gonna say anything." I say. "I don't even technically belong here, because I'm not a member. I have no business telling anyone anything. But I think I have to say this. I know life sucks, and everything about our situation sucks, but you know what? I'm so proud of all of you. Most of the churches I know would've fallen apart by now. I've seen it happen. What you have here, this commitment, this vulnerability-- it's special. It's real. It's what God commands us to strive for, and it's something the world desperately needs more of. So please, don't stop. I know it sucks. But for the love of God, please keep fighting for each other, because none of us can afford to lose another family."

i sit down. my sister wouldn't come. she said it's not worth it. she thinks people hate her. she still (as of me writing this) won't tell me why.

after it's over, we sing. we sing of God's unending grace and mercy and we sing of trust and new beginnings and we pray for strength and unity and love that not even human hearts can create. and in the shadows of the dimly lit chapel, i think i see it. people of all ages and races, mostly in pajamas, a few unlucky ones still in their work clothes, hugging and talking and praying over one another when hours ago there had been coldness and anger. i walk over to his cousin, who spoke after me and begged the people to fight for us, so that we could have a place like this to go to when we have nowhere else to go. i think they listened to her. she really can't lose more family. I hug her. She's crying. I hug her aunt. She's crying too. Guy comes up. He thanks me for saying what I said. "I was disappointed, before," he says, "but now I can see what you mean. I wish I'd gone up too. You're right. We need to fight for this."

"What would you have said?" I ask. "If you'd gone up."

He says he had ideas, perfect speeches that would open eyes and turn hearts. He says that's not the way the world works, though, and he didn't feel like he had anything to add.

"I think it would've been great." I say. "Even if it's not perfect, it's still worth saying."

then the director comes over. He's gotten the short end of the Responsibility stick, and apparently what me and Cousin said got to him, because he hugs both of us and thanks us for telling him that the community he's given his life to is actually helping people. then he hugs Guy, too, and Guy hugs him back tight and scrunches his eyes closed, like he's holding on just in case he doesn't get another chance. and here he said he wasn't a hugger.

then we all go get dinner, and i see him laughing with his mom. there's a softness to him, and a light in his eyes that i rarely get to see. i'm almost jealous, that that wonderful side of him only really comes out with her.

it's been a couple weeks, and i still can't get that image of him out of my head. it's weird. part of me thinks i'm really into cracking people and getting to see who they are on the inside and why they do what they do and who they are, and I totally am, but usually that goes away after a couple weeks. it's been six months. maybe it's just because there's still so much i don't know about him? maybe because he's a music guy and i'm a music girl and i desperately need more friends who share that part of themselves with me? maybe it's because we've known each other for seven years but i'm about to leave for college and i'm desperate not to waste any more time? Maybe our souls just click.

point is, i have no freaking idea what romance is supposed to feel like and i love everyone a little too easily and i don't have physical attraction sensors so i can't tell if i'm really into him as a person or as a potential partner but it doesn't freaking matter because i'm leaving in like seven months anyways and i'm going to be hours away and I am not getting into a relationship right now. period.

BUT IM STILL UP AT TWO AM TRYING TO FIGURE THIS OUT SO SEND HELP

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breakyeol · 5 years ago

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Heart Glow | 01

masterlist

01 | 02

☆ pairing: chanyeol x reader | ft. baekhyun

☆ genre: alien AU, fluff, smut (next part)

☆ summary: No, you didn’t witness an alien spacecraft crash in the middle of the woods. No, a half dead person’s heart did not start glowing. And no, that person was not an alien. Because aliens don’t exist… right?

☆ word count: 7.3k

A/N: shiiii hello. so... i did this. I did a crap job editing so sorry for any grammar or spelling errors in advance. this is the first part of a two or three part series, depending on the length of the next part. ALSO, i made the moodboard thingy so plz don’t repost w/o crediting me :( thank you lovelies, hope you enjoy!

“I can’t believe you tricked me.”

“I didn’t trick you!”

“You said we were going to get ice cream!” Baekhyun hissed from the passenger’s seat, arms crossed angrily over his chest as a pout teased his bottom lip.

You gestured towards the empty ice cream carton sitting in his lap. “Which we did! And now we’re going camping.”

“You conveniently seemed to have left that part out. This could be considered kidnapping, you know. I could probably sue you.”

A deep scowl contorted your features as you swung a brief glare in his direction. “Hey! This was my last resort, okay? You promised to go camping with me a while ago! But every time I tried to bring it up you suddenly had plans.”

“What can I say? Byun Baekhyun is a man in high demand. It’s not my fault I��m so popular.”

A loud scoff had him pinning you with a stinging glare. “You don’t even have any other friends besides me, Baek.”

“Not true!”

“Name three.” You retorted swiftly.

“Kyungsoo, Jongdae, and Minseok,” he smirked triumphantly.

You took a big breath. “Kyungsoo literally can’t stand you because of that one time you dropped his new phone in your sangria. Jongdae only tolerates you because you work at the same company. Minseok is my friend, not yours. And he doesn’t like you either because of that time you dyed his hair hot pink,” you exhaled, matching his smirk with one of your own, “Try again.”

He spluttered in disbelief, at a loss for words before he finally managed to spit out some form of a reply. “That last one was an accident! It was meant for you!”

“Exactly why I’m your one and only friend.,” you snapped, detaching one hand from the wheel so that you could reach over and flicking his forehead, “because I’m the only person on this planet that can tolerate your bullshit.”

“Whatever,” he scowled, and, knowing he wasn’t going to be winning this argument, smoothly changed the subject, “What’s with the sudden camping trip anyways? You barely ever even want to leave your bed.”

Well, he wasn’t wrong about that.

In the past, the idea of camping would not have been very appealing. You would have much preferred the warm company of your bed to a thin, cold sleeping bag.You weren’t the type to step out of your comfort zone too frequently. You enjoyed your little bubble, it was safe and happy and familiar. There was no reason for you to go out of your way to try new things or explore the world. You had everything you needed with your job at the bakery, your cozy apartment, your close knit circle of friends. You were content.

But for whatever reason, your head had been feeling rather off these past few months. Like there was something that you were missing. Laying in bed all day was no longer fulfilling, only leaving you drained, dissatisfied, and scoured with the feeling that you’d just wasted precious hours of your life binge watching unrealistic shows and movies.

This sudden change left you confused and grasping helplessly for answers.

You’d tried changing little things at first; redecorating your apartment, going out more often to bars or clubs, buying a membership to a gym, et cetera. It was satisfying for a moment, a short lived gratification to make a difference in your life. But it all just felt pointless in the end. It all ended up feeling like white noise. And that little nagging voice in the back of your head grew more and more relentless.

Figuring out what could possibly soothe it proved to be the biggest challenge you've faced since trying to figure out what college you could attend in your high school years.

Until you had an epiphany. Maybe it wasn’t something you needed to change… but something you were missing. What exactly it is that you’re missing, you’re still not quite sure of. But hopefully getting away from the noisy city and getting some fresh air and a much needed escape into nature would help clear that up, especially with the help of your beloved best friend Byun Baekhyun at your side.

“Honestly, I don’t know. I just felt like it was time to do something a little out of my usual daily routine,” you paused, brows furrowing as a sudden thought struck you, “you ever get that feeling like you’re going in circles?”

“Circles?” He repeated, confusion clear in his voice. “What do you mean?”

“I mean—“ you stopped abruptly and chuckled softly, shaking your head as you realized it would be impossible to try and untangle the mess of thoughts in your head and lay them out for him, “never mind. It’s too hard to explain.”

“No, tell—”

“We’re here!” You exclaimed loudly, voice bubbling with excitement as you spotted the sign indicating the beginning of the camping grounds. Pulling into the parking lot, you were shocked to find it completely empty. “Are we… the only people here?”

“Are you surprised? Who the hell camps anymore?” You decided to ignore his remark, instead, parking and hopping out of your car, before looking over at him with an excited grin.

“More forest for us then,” you chirped happily, and he groaned, “Come help me unload the trunk. I want to have everything set up before it starts getting dark out.”

Baekhyun scowled as you slammed the door, before sighing dramatically in defeat and unbuckling his seat belt. “This is going to be a long night.”

“When the hell did you have the time to go buy all this camping shit?” Baekhyun grunted, face red with sweat glistening on his brow as you hauled the equipment up a particularly unforgiving hill. You’d somehow convinced —ahem, threatened— him to carry the bulk of the stuff you’d brought, while you got off easy with only carrying your bags and a folding chair.

You shot a light grin at him over your shoulder, shrugging vaguely. “You’d be impressed by how much free time I gained by not sleeping in until two in the afternoon.”

Baekhyun chuckled dryly, shaking his head as he peered after you in wonder, “you amaze me.”

You grinned as you looked back at him, only to see that he’d begun to fall quite far behind, exhaustion clear on his features. “Pick up the pace slowpoke! We’ve still got a little more ground left to cover!” You called, laughing as he groaned dramatically and staggered on forward, trying his very best to catch up with you.

“You enjoy my suffering, don’t you?” He huffed.

“Mm, you know I love it, baby.” You winked, biting your lip as your brows wiggled suggestively. He picked up the first thing his fingers could find off the leafy ground (luckily a small twig and not a rock) and chucked it at your head.

“Hey! Throwing things is not a solution for your inner rage,” you scolded, squeaking in surprise as he suddenly surged forward, trying to make a grab for you. You dodged out of the way just in time and began booking it up the hill as fast as your admittedly sore legs would carry you, Baekhyun close on your heel with determination burning in his eyes.

You all but flung yourself to the ground once you reached the peak, laughing breathlessly, sweat glistening on your face, body aching and tired from the exertion, but the feeling of accomplishment warded away any negativity that threatened your mindset.

Baekhyun staggered up after you, looking even more exhausted than before, face also completely red and knees visibly weak under the weight of his body combined with the mass of the equipment. When he saw you laying on the ground, he dropped everything he’d been carrying and collapsed beside you, trying to catch his breath as he blinked sweat away from his eyes.

“Are we…” he swallowed as his raspy voice cracked faintly, “here?”

A grin broke out across your features as you turned your head, finding him already looking at you hopefully. “We’re here,” you confirmed, heading shifting so that you could stare up at the beautiful blue sky peering shyly through the thick green canopy above you.

“Thank fuck,” he croaked, and you cackled.

For a few minutes, you laid in comfortable silence (a rare blessing when hanging out with Baekhyun), catching your breath and recuperating from the hike to this special little spot in the woods.

“Have you been here before?” He suddenly asked, turning to look at you, dark eyes blinking curiously.

You nodded, smiling nostalgically. “Yeah. My dad and I used to come out here once a year during the summer for a day or two.”

“No wonder it seemed like you knew where you were going,” he chuckled softly.

“We came to this exact spot, you know. Because when the sun sets, you have the best view of the stars,” you sighed dreamily, hands rising above your face as you pictured the midnight blue sky riddled with winking stars, “it’s seriously beautiful, Baek. One time I even saw a shooting star.”

“Did you make a wish?”

You scoffed in disbelief, turning to look at him with a lopsided grin. “What do you take me for? Of course I did.”

He laughed softly, “did it come true?”

You sighed thoughtfully, eyes squinting against the bright blue sky. “No. Not yet.”

Looking back, you still remember exactly what you’d wished for. But you’d been so young then, so naive and hopeful and, admittedly, pretty dumb.

It was an unrealistic wish.

But you couldn’t stop your heart from wanting it, even now. You’d wished for something that most people found unattainable, something only the luckiest of the lucky were able to have, and able to keep. And, especially in these past few months, the universe seemed astonishingly adamant on showing you just how mind bogglingly unlucky you were.

“Okay!” You exclaimed abruptly, and Baekhyun jumped in surprise, head swinging around to watch with wide eyes as you pushed yourself off of the ground, swatting any dirt that clung to the back of your black leggings. “That’s enough time wasted. Time to set up.”

“Y/n~” Baekhyun whined in protest, flopping back onto the ground as a heavy pout tugged at his lips, “can’t we rest for a little more? My legs still feel like they’re about to fall off.”

“Nope!” You sang, grabbing his wrists and pulling him upright, ignoring him as he objected loudly. “There’s much to be done before we can relax. Here, we'll set up the tent first and then the fire pit. It won’t take too long, I promise.”

“Not long my ass.” Baekhyun snapped, glaring at you.

“Hey, it’s not my fault you don’t know shit about how to properly put up a tent!” You hissed, thrusting an accusing finger in his direction.

“Why the fuck would I need to know how to put up a stupid tent? You’re the one that dragged us out here in the first place! Take responsibility instead of blaming me!” He bit back harshly, arms folding stubbornly across his chest while he sassily cocked a hip.

You rolled your eyes, exhaling heavily at his childishness. “We got it done. That’s what matters.”

Well, you got it done– but you weren’t adamant on starting any more unnecessary arguments with Baekhyun. You’d gotten more than a day’s worth or arguing done in just the last hour while trying to set up your campsite. You dragged him out here to relax, to take a break from any and all things stressful and annoying. You probably should have kept in mind that Baekhyun was, in fact, one of the most annoying people you’d ever had the pleasure of meeting. But you loved him, so it was okay.

You flopped down on one of the log benches encircled the fire pit, letting out a long breath as you tilted your head back and inhaled deeply, a nostalgic smile flickering at the corners of your lips. The musky scent of the smoke you brought back memories you’d thought you’d long forgotten, if the long nights spent laughing and joking with your dad into the early morning, until you both collapsed from exhaustion with bellies full of s’mores and cheap hot cocoa. They were nice memories. But they made you sad. The kind of sad that felt like a heavy stone had been dropped on your chest.

Baekhyun dropped down beside you, and you felt his shoulder nudge up against yours. Peeling open your eyelids, you glanced over at him with a raised brow.

“What did you mean earlier?”

You blinked at him. “What?”

“When you said the thing about circles?” He elaborated, throwing in a circular hand motion for good measure.

“Circles?” You pondered for a moment before finally recalling the conversation you’d been having in the car before you arrived. “Oh. That. Well… I don’t think I can really… it’ll just sound stupid once I actually try to say it out loud, and explaining it would be too complicated—”

“Try.”

You opened your mouth, about to give a smart aleck reply, but then you met his gaze. There was something so sincere in his dark eyes, something pleading. He wanted to know what was on your mind, what was bothering you. He wanted to help you. You felt an unexpected warmth in your chest, a gratefulness swelling up inside of you.

In spite of his obnoxious, playful nature, Baekhyun was one of the most genuine people you’d ever met in your entire life. He was honest, thoughtful, and loving. He had a good heart. And although you’d never admit it out loud, because you’d never hear the end of it from him, you were very glad to have him as your best friend. Maybe one day you’d tell him everything he meant to you. One day, when his incessant teasing wouldn’t be so brutal and he wouldn’t rub it in your face with that stupid lopsided grin on his face every chance that he got.

And so, regardless of not quite understanding your internal turmoil yourself, you tried your very best to explain it to him. To put into words the confusing emotions and thoughts that were running amuck in your head. You bore your every thought, every worry, every trouble, not missing a single detail if you could help it. You laid it all out for him, as best you could without sounding completely insane.

There was a brief pause when you finished, the only sound was the low cracking of the flames as they playfully danced before your eyes. It made you feel anxious. But there was also a sense of unparalleled relief to have finally gotten all of that off of your chest.

“Maybe you’re lonely.”

You were surprised by the suggestion, turning him with brows furrowed in confusion. “Lonely? Why would I be lonely? I’m not lonely.”

“It sure sounds like you’re lonely.”

You immediately shook your head, rejecting the idea. “That doesn’t make sense. I have plenty of friends, I’m surrounded by people all day at work. I also have your annoying ass with me twenty four seven,” you teased. Baekhyun scowled.

“Not that kind of lonely, dumbass. Romantically.” He paused, searching your face for any kind of understanding. But, he could only sigh in frustration as he saw the look of pure confusion in your eyes, making it very obvious you didn’t understand what he was saying whatsoever. “When did you and Junmyeon break up?”

“I don’t know. A year ago, maybe? But why are you bringing him up?”

Disregarding your question, he asked another one of his own. “Have you been with anyone else since then?”

You paused, trying to recall if you’d had any flings or short lived romances with anybody after your breakup, but could call none to mind. “No. I don’t think so.”

“Well… have you been with anyone since?”

You gasped, shocked he’d ask you something like that so outright. “Baekhyun!”

“Oh my gosh, just answer! It’s not like we haven’t talked about our sex lives before.” He rolled his eyes at the flabbergasted expression on your face, shoving your arm lightly.

“You mean you talking to me about your sex life,” you corrected, stabbing an accusing finger into his chest, to which he swatted your hand away with a pointed glare. Huffing, you swung your gaze away from him, choosing instead to focus on the flickering orange flames in front of you. “No. No, I have not been with anybody since Junmyeon.”

You jumped as he suddenly clapped his hands together, eyes wide like he’d just discovered the solution to world hunger, “Therein lies your problem! You just need to have sex!” You rained down a vicious attack of hits on his arm and chest, spewing curses at him until he finally relented, “ow! Ow! I’m joking, y/n, joking! Stop hitting me!”

“You’re disgusting, Baekhyun.” You spat, frustrated beyond belief as you pushed yourself off of the log and stood up, “Why’d I think you’d actually try to help me?”

You turned, about to leave, when he suddenly grabbed your wrist and tugged you back. “Wait! Wait, I’m sorry. I’ll be serious. Sit back down,” he gave another pleading pull at your hand, looking up with what you hoped was genuine sincerity in his eyes, “please?”

You hesitated for a moment, before huffing in defeat and dropping back down into the chair. He smiled faintly, adjusting his hold on your wrist so that he could play with your fingers. There was a brief lull of silence before he finally spoke up. “I was serious about the lonely thing. Even if you do have people in your life all the time, and my annoying ass hanging around,” he added playfully, and you chuckled, “it seems like you miss that more intimate part of being in a relationship with someone.”

“The intimate part?” You repeated, looking over at him with furrowed brows. He nodded in confirmation.

“It seems like you miss knowing someone inside and out, and someone knowing you just as deeply. You mentioned having nightmares more often than before, right? It sounds like you miss sharing your bed with someone, I think that gave you a sense of security.” You listened intently as he spoke. It still surprised you at times when your best friend, your goofy, annoying, yet somehow lovable best friend, dropped heavy wisdom on you out of the blue. Sometimes, you forgot how deep his mind and heart actually were.

Maybe you were lonely. Maybe you’d been lonely for so long and had gotten so used to the emptiness that you didn’t even realize that it was loneliness you were feeling. Maybe this whole time, that something you’d been craving and subconsciously searching for, was actually someone. Maybe more than anything in the world, you wanted somebody to fill up that hollow place in your heart, somebody to hold, somebody to kiss, somebody to love.

And maybe you wanted it so badly that you’d take it just about anywhere you could find it.

That last bit probably wasn’t true. You weren’t desperate for affection by any means. But, at the very least, it would explain why you found yourself staring at Baekhyun’s lips for a few seconds longer than a friend probably should. Just long enough for him to notice. His voice fizzled off into the night air, the only sounds left surrounding you were the gentle crackling of the orange flames and the sensual song of the cicadas hidden in the trees.

You watched as he blinked, confusion and intrigue gracing his gentle features in the form of a warm pink blush and fluttering eyelashes. You felt your heart start to pick up speed.

“Baekhyun,” you murmured, voice almost quiet enough to be lost amongst the hushed rustling of leaves.

He swallowed, and you watched with unfamiliar intensity as his Adam’s Apple bobbed. “Yeah?” He whispered, his own voice strained and heavy on his tongue. His hands curled into tight fists on his lap as you subconsciously licked your lips.

“Can I…” your stare flickered up to meet his, “try something?”

His face reddened as he glanced briefly at your mouth before hurriedly meeting your eyes, giving a single, faint nod in response. “Okay.” At his consent, you shifted closer to him, until your thigh gently bumped his, your shoulders nudging up against one another. Up close, it seemed as if you could see every detail of his face. Every stray freckle, every delicate eyelash,

It was strange. But familiar. A nervous sensation bubbled up inside of you when you met his wide eyed gaze, and you found yourself faltering.

“Can you close your eyes?”

The request was met with hesitance at first, understandably. But soon enough he was nodding, eyes squeezing shut obediently. He pursued his lips, brows furrowing as he breathed unevenly through his nose,

You suddenly found yourself being reminded of a night long ago. When the two of you were still teenagers, young and reckless and hormonal.

He’d been over at your place. You’d talked and laughed late into the night, even stolen a glass of your mom’s prized wine just to try. You hadn’t been too fond of the flavor, though Baekhyun loved it. You remember laughing at how quickly he got himself tipsy, cheeks going a soft pink, eyes becoming hooded, lips pulling into a hazy little grin. You’d listened to him babble aimlessly for almost an hour before he’d finally fallen asleep, slumping unexpectedly against you mid sentence, head falling onto your shoulder, hands wrapped loosely around your waist.

You can still remember the warmth of his breath against your neck, the softness of his cheek on your shoulder, the faint tickling sensation of his hair under your chin. He’d looked so innocent then, features washed in the delicate grey moonlight, making him almost seem to glow. You remember looking at him— really looking at him for the first time in your life. You’d always known he was considered attractive by many, the subject of several girls’ fantasies, but you saw him differently that night. Just as you were seeing him differently now.

Only now, you weren’t in your bedroom wrapped up in your warm comforter, but washed in the throbbing heat of a campfire. And it wasn’t the moonlight that made him glow, but the flickering yellow flame that doused his entire body in the hellish radiance.

You couldn’t help but to wonder when exactly he’d become a man. It seemed like it wasn’t long ago that he was that goofy little boy with the weird haircut and a mouth that could run for hours without becoming exhausted. How had you not noticed him changing before your very eyes?

He shuddered when your fingers suddenly raised, ever so gently feathering over his cheek, and you saw his eyes squeeze tighter. You let your hand settle around the back of his neck, cupping it loosely. He leaned forward ever so slightly, and you felt the side of his chest pressing against your arm. You tilted your chin upwards. You felt his breath tickle your upper lip. The faintest of chills rolled down your spine.

Were you really about to do this? Were you really about to kiss your best friend? It definitely wasn’t a good idea. But you couldn’t really bring yourself to care.

Your train of thought was unexpectedly halted by an odd noise. A faint humming or whistling, you couldn’t quite make it out. But, it was enough to have you leaning away from Baekhyun’s puckered lips, just in time to catch a streak of white light piercing the midnight blue sky. For a moment, you thought it might’ve been a shooting star. But, shooting stars are there then gone in the blink of an eye. Whatever this was, wasn’t vanishing. In fact, it seemed to be getting closer.

“What the hell?” You muttered, face contorting in confusion.

Baekhyun’s eyes fluttered open, his brows furrowing as he caught sight of your unsettled expression. “What? What’s wr—”

And then, all at once, it felt as if the air itself had come… alive.

It vibrated around you, buzzing excitedly. Warm and energized, it sent something equivalent to jolts of electricity shooting through your veins. The hair on your arms and the back of your neck stood on end, skin rippling with goosebumps. An unfamiliar anticipation seized you violently.

It all happened so fast.

There was a flash of white in your peripheral vision, and the whistling sound progressed into a low, prolonged shriek. Confusion and fear ripped through you. “Baekhyun—” you tried to reach for him, but next thing you knew, you were knocked flat on your back by a sudden sharp rush of wind, leaving you gasping and heaving desperately. You recognized the feeling of not being able to breathe. The air had been knocked from your lungs.

A skull splitting screech tore through the night sky. Your hands leapt to cover your ears, eyes squeezing shut in agony, the sound making your head feel like it was about to explode. There was a flash of something bright behind your eyelids, and then an unearthly howling, before a deafening explosion flung your writhing body across the damp earth.

The last thing you felt was a pain equivalent to receiving a knife to the back of head before a deep, inky blackness consumed you.

“Y/n!”

Your eyes snapped open at the sound of someone calling your name, ears ringing faintly, vision blurry for a moment before focusing on the familiar, worried face of your best friend, Byun Baekhyun.

“Baek?” You muttered softly in confusion, throat feeling dry and raw.

“Thank god. You scared the living shit out of me,” he laughed, but you could just make out the glistening reminisce of tears clinging to his eyelashes. The ground felt as if it might fall out from underneath you as you pushed yourself upright with a low groan, trying your very best to ignore the dull throb in the back of your skull. “Are you alright? You hit your head really hard.”

You carefully touched the back of your head, drawing away sharply as the faintest pressure sent a shock of pain shooting through the area. “Did I? Shit. What happened?”

His eyes went wide, trembling hands shooting out to grab your shoulders. “You wouldn't believe me if I told you. Look for yourself.” He gestured with a sharp nod of his head at the large grey rock you just realized you were tucked safely behind. Glancing at him skeptically, you crept forward on your hands and knees before slowly leaning up and peering over.

The first thing you saw was flame. Dull orange flames flickered lazily, some scattered in the wet grass, others clinging onto the shredded silver metal of the massive contraption that had broken through the treetops and created a dent in the earth.

“Holy shit.” You blinked in disbelief, jaw going slack as you stared at the scene before you, an equal amount of both horror and curiosity flooding through you. “Is that… is that a—”

“An alien spacecraft? Yes indeed.”

“Don’t be fucking stupid.” You hissed, smacking the back of his head. “That’s impossible.”

“Well the fuck else could it be, y/n?” He laughed harshly in disbelief, throwing his hands up as his eyes took on a wild appearance. “Have you ever seen an airplane that looks like that before, huh?”

You wracked your brain for some kind of rational explanation, spluttering out weakly, “maybe it’s some sort of satellite or something.”

“Yeah–fucking–right.” Baekhyun was shaking his head suddenly, pulling at your arm as something anxious glinted in his usually playful gaze. “We have to get out of here. This is fucking insane. This is—” he froze abruptly, body tensing beside you, the hold he had on your arm tightening substantially, “what the fuck is that?”

“What’s what?” You murmured in confusion, head whipping around to try and find whatever it was that caught his eye. It didn’t take very long.

There was a dark shape on the ground, a lump in the grass. You squinted, before your eyes widened in horror. You might’ve easily mistaken it for a rock in the darkness had it not been for the dull glow of the fire from the strange aircraft and the bright silver moonlight.

“It’s a person.” You murmured in realization, slowly standing up right. Baekhyun was quick to snatch your wrist.

“What are you doing? Are you crazy?” He hissed, eyes looking about ready to pop out of his skull.

“They look hurt! We can’t just leave them there!” You yanked your wrist sharply out of his hold, turning on your heels and cautiously making your way over to the unmoving person, completely ignoring Baekhyun’s frantic calls for you to ‘get your ass back over here’.

You could admit that a part of you was scared shitless, but what kind of person would you be to just leave them here, completely defenseless. As you grew closer, the person's features gradually became clearer. It was a man. Washed in the pale moonlight, he almost appeared to be… glowing. Tanned skin, hair red as blood, body covered in nothing but bruises, gashes, and ash. Even in that state, you couldn’t deny how handsome he was. But that definitely wasn’t your greatest concern. No, your attention was captured more by the fresh wounds littered across his naked body. There was one especially nasty looking one across his chest.

Unsurprisingly, you soon felt Baekhyun’s worried presence looming over your shoulder, spluttering out curses as he took in the state of the unconscious boy.

“Oh my god. That’s a lot of blood. Is he dead? I think he’s dead. He looks really dead. What are we gonna do, y/n?” Baekhyun rambled, voice panicked and frightened as he paced anxiously behind you.

“He’s still breathing, shit head,” you snapped, shooting him a pointed look over your shoulder, “but we have to get him to a hospital, and fast. He’s bleeding a lot.”

The amount of blood seeping from the gash in his chest was increasing by the second. You wracked your brain for a way to ease it up before he bled out in the spot. Inspiration struck you in the form of your best friend’s yellow and blue plaid button up. “Baek, quick, take off your shirt.”

His face twisted. “Excuse me?”

“Just take it off! We need something to cover him with and to stop the bleeding,” you explained hurriedly, not giving him a chance to respond before you were shoving it off of his shoulders and pulling it down his arms.

“Hey! Hey! I’m not wearing anything under this! This is assault! Assault!” He shrieked, attempting to squirm away from you, when suddenly a loud tearing sound split the air. His jaw dropped, gasping as he stared in horror at his sleeve hanging limply in your hand. “Y/n! This is my favorite shirt!”

“I’m sorry! But I think he needs it a little more than you do right now. I’ll buy you a new one I promise, but can I please have it for now? He's completely naked,” you tried to reason, gesturing vaguely towards the man’s bare nether regions that were just somewhat distracting.

“Fine,” he relented, albeit visibly disgruntled, “but you’re buying me dinner for the next month!” How he was making demands like that at a time like this, you’re not quite sure. Byun Baekhyun was and always will be a strange, strange man.

“Fine, whatever, just take it off already, Jesus,” you rushed. He huffed in annoyance, but his fingers made quick work of the buttons, not fighting you off when you pulled it off his arms completely and turned to get to work on covering up the large wound.

“My decency…” Baekhyun pouted as he covered his bare chest.

You rolled your eyes. “Is that really what you’re worried about right now? Seriously? I think we have bigger things at hand.”

“Yeah, like the fucking spaceship that just crashed!” He thrust a finger in the direction of where the large metal aircraft had crash landed not one hundred feet away from where you’d set up your camp.

You shot a brief glare in his direction, “It’s not a spaceship.”

“Really? Because I’ve never seen a plane that looks like that before. Do you know any flying vehicles that look like that? No! Because there are none! Not on earth at least.”

“Baekhyun, please! Shut up for two seconds so I can focus!” You snapped, your shaking hands working anxiously to press the torn fabric against the large wound to alleviate the bleeding. It was rather nerve wracking knowing that a person’s life could possibly be in your hands.

“I’m sorry! You know I ramble when I get worked up.” He whined defensively. Ignoring him, you carefully tied the ripped sleeves tightly around the man’s chest, applying pressure to the injury.

“We have to get him to the car. Help me get him up. Grab his legs.” You commanded, grunting as you hauled his torso up so that you could hook your arms under his armpits.

Baekhyun let out a sound of disbelief. “Why do I have to take the legs? You take the legs!”

“I don’t want his junk all up in my face!”

“And you think I do?!” He yelped out, giving a sharp shout of pain as you smacked the top of his head. “Fine! Fine! I concede! Gosh, you’re so violent. Hitting people won’t solve all of your problems, you know!”

“True. But it’ll solve this one.”

It took you less than half of the time it took you to trek up the steep incline of the hill to haul the limp body of the boy back down it. Most likely because the two of you were running like your asses were on fire, the threat of the odd aircraft possibly exploding at any given moment adding much needed encouragement to ignore the sharp burning of your sore legs and the notable aching of your lungs.

By the time you reached the car, you were sweating profusely and heaving for breath. Your arms felt like they were just about ready to fall off, knees weak beneath you. Your fingers were shaking as you fumbled to yank open the back door.

“You drive,” you demanded, maneuvering into the backseat with the unconscious boy, pulling his top half up so that he was positioned over your lap, “I’ll make sure he doesn’t bleed all over my leather.”

Baekhyun would never step out on the opportunity to drive your car, nodding sharply in agreement. “Good idea.”

Slamming the door shut, he scrambled into the driver's seat, the engine purring to life as he turned the keys in the ignition. The tires kicked up gravel as they swiveled, the car jerked backwards before Baekhyun was swinging the wheel to the left, and you were taking off down the same path you’d come in on.

You watched through the back window as heavy grey smoke smothered the twinkling white stars, obscuring the bright moon from view completely. Your heart lurched in your chest, your throat running dry as you watched the tips of angry flames consuming the treetops, the heavy grey smoke throbbing with an under glow of orange and yellow. It was a terrifying sight. You’d never seen anything like it in your entire life.

Your hands, pressed down firmly against the boy’s dressed wound, were shaking profusely. You could hear the sound of your blood pulsing in your ears, the thundering of your own heart a deafening echo in the back of your skull.

Calm down, y/n. Calm the fuck down.

Baekhyun glanced back at you through the rear view mirror, then at the receding flames. “Do you think it’s going to—” Any speculation he was about to offer was silenced abruptly by a flash of white light and an unearthly boom. Your entire body went stiff, your breath escaping you in sharp, uneven gasps. The hold you had around the unconscious boy’s body tightened. “Holy fucking shit, y/n. Holy fucking shit. What the hell is happening right now?”

You shook your head, at as much of a loss for answers as he was. “I don’t—” you swallowed, your throat feeling unexpectedly dry and tight, “I don’t know, Baek.”

“Did we seriously just witness an alien spaceship crash landing on earth? Oh my god. If the government finds out— they’ll kill us won’t they? Y/n, we’re so screwed! We’ll have to go into hiding. We have to get new identities. Y/n l/n and Byun Baekhyun have to disappear. We can’t—” you cut off his senseless rambling for the umpteenth time that night.

“Baekhyun! No one is coming to kill us! We will not have to go into hiding or find new identities or any of that sci-fi bullshit because this is real fucking life and alien spacecrafts don’t just fall out of the damn sky in real life.”

“Like you’d know! Remind me how many movies about aliens you’ve watched in your lifetime?” You rolled your eyes, not bothering to justify such a ridiculous inquiry with a response. But, he took your silence as a sign of you admitting defeat, “yeah, that’s what I thought.”

“Baekhyun, just pay attention to the—” you cut yourself off as the hand you were holding over his chest suddenly began to feel incredibly warm, the kind of heat you feel when hovering your hands in front of a flame. Brows furrowed in confusion, you lowered your gaze. A warm, crimson glow was emulating from beneath your palm. Confusion swirling to life inside of you. Slowly, you removed your hand.

“What the fuck.”

“What the fuck what? What what the fuck?” Baekhyun questioned curiously from behind the wheel.

“He’s… glowing.”

“Glowing? What’s glowing?”

“He’s fucking glowing, Baekhyun!” You snapped.

He tore his eyes away from the road, torso swiveling around to try and get a glimpse as to what the hell you were talking about. “What the hell are you—,” he did a double take, eyes bulging as his jaw dropped, “holy mother of shit.”

You could only stare, completely awestruck as his chest was consumed in a deep, blood red glow, like there was a fucking flashlight shining from the inside of him. The glow intensified, and you drew away like you’d been burned. “Baekhyun,” your voice was shaking as you called for him helplessly, a heavy sense of fear settling into your gut, “Baekhyun, what do I do?”

“I don’t know! I’ve never been in a situation like this before!” His voice was panicked and pitchy, cracking every other word like it always did when he was on the verge of losing his shit. “Try s–smacking it or something!”

“I’m not going to smack it! What if it’s radioactive or something and we blow up!” You hissed back, trying uselessly to wriggle out from underneath the unconscious boy’s suddenly stifling weight.

“Oh god,” Baekhyun cried out distraughtly, “we’re going to die!”

You opened your mouth to try and argue, but all at once, the brightness of the glow emulating from the boy’s chest increased tenfold, your eyes burning fiercely from the unexpected intensity, drawing a yell of shock from your lips.

Okay. So maybe dying was a distinct possibility.

But just as quickly as it had come, the glow suddenly vanished. “What happened?! What just happened?!” Baekhyun demanded from the front seat, head swinging back and forth frantically between you and the road. You couldn’t bring yourself to form a proper sentence. “Y/n? Y/n?!”

You stared blankly at the makeshift wrapping you’d made from the sleeves of Baekhyun’s favorite shirt. You found your curiosity getting the better of you. You reached towards the fabric fastened securely around his chest. Slowly, you undid the knot you’d so deliberately made, watching as the sleeves went slack and fell limply across your lap. For a moment, you were at a complete loss for words.

“I–it’s gone,” you breathed in disbelief, trembling fingers grazing over the smooth expanse of skin that was only seconds ago marred with a deep, jagged wound.

“What? What’s gone?” Baekhyun questioned, turning around once again.

“H–how…” you choked on your confusion, head slowly shaking in denial. All at once, a horrible realization struck you. There was no fucking way that it was a human being laying across your lap fucking glowing. Because humans don’t glow. Because humans don’t fall out of strange aircrafts that don’t exist on earth. Because humans don’t magically heal their own wounds.

So what, the holy hell, was on top of you?

You didn’t have much time to try and process it, because suddenly, there was honking. Loud, incessant honking. When you lifted your head, you were shocked to be blinded by a pair of bright bright headlights. It took you less than a second to process that Baekhyun had swerved to the wrong side of the road and there was a massive truck headed straight for you.

“Baekhyun the road—!” A scream ripped from your throat.

His head whipped around, eyes going wide as his lips parted in horror.

There wasn’t enough time to swerve.

And for a moment, it was like time slowed down.

You never could have imagined that your cause of death would be getting flattened by a truck. Damn. You’d really hoped that you would go out with a little more grace than that, preferably from old age. Poison would’ve worked too. How cool would you have sounded?

But now, when people ask how y/n l/n died— “oh, she was squashed by a semi.” See? It’s just… meh. There just isn’t as much of a kick to it as, “she was mysteriously poisoned one day… people suspect it was the jealous pool boy.” See. That’s much more mysterious, intriguing, and suspenseful.

Plus, there was always a jealous pool boy in your death fantasies. There’d never been a massive red semi, though. What a shame.

You closed your eyes, body bracing for the impending impact.

… but it never came.

Confusion washed over you as one second after another passed and you didn’t feel your bones being crushed or your body being mangled. Hesitantly, you peeled open an eye. It took you a second to process what had happened, and why there was a dark shadow cast over the car.

But once you had, for the second time that night, it felt like the air had been knocked out of your lungs.

Looking up through the large sunroof that stretched across the entire top of your car, you were met with the underbelly of a truck. The intricate maze of grey tubes, oil stained metal, and the insides of massive black tires were unmistakable. It was like it was happening in slow motion. Your eyes followed as the truck gravitated over your car, emulating an eerie red glow, before landing smoothly back on the road one hundred or so feet behind it, driving off like nothing had even happened.

Your mouth opened and closed like a fish out of water, eyes just about ready to pop out of your damn skull. “W– what…” your voice escaped you as less than a whisper, eyes blinking slowly as your brain tried to process what it had just seen. A cold palm pressing against your cheek was what broke you from your stunned trance. Slowly, you turned your head.

You were in such a state of shock that you couldn��t even bring your stiff body or distraught mind to react to the glowing red eyes that were staring back at you before they fell shut and a pair of warm, plush lips were being pressed to yours.

Well… fuck.

You can officially say that this has been the most eventful night of your life.

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mhdiaries · 5 years ago

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New Scaremester Twyla Boogeyman Planner

MONDAY 1 Meet Howleen @ Coffin Bean - Howleen has a master plan to use up the remaining days of summer before school starts. Hopefully, it won’t turn from master to disaster.

TUESDAY 2 Cemetery Garden - I like to go and pick up any stray litter that happens to find its way among the headstones, benches and fountain. It’s my way of giving back to one of my favorite haunts.

WEDNESDAY 3 Nightmare Catching w/Dad - Dad can shadow jump to anywhere in the world, and it’s fun to eat nightmares in exotic places.

THURSDAY 4 Dustin to groomers - It’s not his favorite place to go, but he’s so stubborn about letting me do it, I just take him to the professionals.

FRIDAY 5 Family Reunion Weekend Starts - Yay! All my aunts, uncles, and cousins are coming. Can’t wait to see them.

SATURDAY 6 Family Karaoke Night - This year I am avoiding having to perform by volunteering to be a judge, although I do have a Catty Noir song as back up just in case.

SUNDAY 7 Family Picture - The one and only time of the year when we all actually step out of the shadows long enough to get a group shot.

MONDAY 8 Hang Out w/Gigi - Not sure what we’re going to do, but we’ve got all day to figure it out.

TUESDAY 9 Welcome to MH Party - This is the party to welcome in exchange, transfer and new students. Even though this kind of thing is difficult for me, Howleen is insisting that I go with her. She had promised not to try and shine the spotlight on me.

WEDNESDAY 10 Lunch at Die-Ner w/Catty Noir - I hope I can get a quiet booth in the back. I can’t imagine how hard it must be for a pop star like Catty to have an undisturbed meal in public.

THURSDAY 11 Nightmare Catching: Normie Sleepover Camp - Nothing ruins time at camp worse than nightmares. I’m planning on doing my best to keep that from happening.

FRIDAY 12 Nightmare Catching: Normie Orphanage - It’s impossible for me to be everywhere at once, but visiting here is always on my schedule. Making sure only the good dreams get through is the least I can do, but I always leave wishing I could do more.

SATURDAY 13 Bonfire@ Lagoona’s - I love the bonfire parties Lagoona throws on the beach. They always cast such lovely shadows.

SUNDAY 14 Nightmare Catching: Normie Hospital - Children’s Wing - Hospitals are scary enough without having to worry about bad dreams making things worse.

MONDAY 15 Shop for New Bed - Time to upgrade, especially since I’m still sleeping under the little ghoul bed I got when I was 10.

TUESDAY 16 @Wydowna’s - She’s altering this scary cool vintage dress I found so it fits like a shadow!

WEDNESDAY 17 Candle Shopping - Candles are quiet and friendly, and I find the flickering shadows they cast very comforting.

THURSDAY 18 Class Sign Up - I’m actually already signed up, but I have to pick up my schedule. I hope my speech class is first period so I can get it over with early.

FRIDAY 19 Dinner @ Catty’s - Invisi Billy, Gigi and me having dinner at Catty Noir’s house. If I don’t stop pinching myself I’m going to get a bruise.

SATURDAY 20 Craft Store w/Howleen - She needs supplies to DIY her backpack, and I need some feathers to finish some nightmare catchers I’ve been making.

SUNDAY 21 Hiking w/Venus - She said there is a nice shady trail behind her house that leads to a little lake. Nature and exercise are a nice combination.

MONDAY 22 School Supply Shopping - I’m hoping it will be pen-sational, but it probably won’t be anything to write home about.

TUESDAY 23 Catty Noir Concert - I don’t really like big crowds, but it’s Catty Noir... in concert... at Monster High... and I am totally going.

WEDNESDAY 24 Pie with Gigi @ Die-Ner - The die-ner serves strawscarry dream pie this time of year until their supply of fresh strawscarries is gone. I bet Gigi never wished for anything this tasty.

THURSDAY 25 Clean My Room - Dustin won’t be happy, but I can’t have my friends sneezing all night, and he’ll just have to get over it.

FRIDAY 26 Creepover - Gigi and Howleen are coming over. I have to make sure any dream container that Howleen might be tempted to open is safely put away. She has some seriously bad curiosity karma.

SATURDAY 27 Dinner w/Dad - He says we’re going somewhere special. I know better than to try finding out where. He’s the best secret keeper in the monster world.

SUNDAY 28 Last Day Before School Starts - I’m going to find a quiet place with some comfortably long shadows and do absolutely nothing. It might be the last time I get to do this for a while.

#monster high #monster high diary #new scaremester #Twyla #twyla boogeyman

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iamrealbuilder · 4 years ago

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Bill Buchalter interview

Bill Buchalter was a level designer for Sunstorm Interactive. He’s worked on 3 official add-on of Build Engine games: Cryptic Passage for Blood, Suckin’ Grits On Route 66 for Redneck Rampage, Caribbean Life for Duke Nukem 3D. Interview, November 2020: Corentin: Can you introduce yourself?

Bill Buchalter: My name is Bill Buchalter. I’m an avid gamer of all kinds – video games, board games, and especially tabletop RPGs. I’m currently a freelance writer for AAW Games (Adventure A Week Games) writing mini adventures for Dungeons & Dragons 5E. I live outside Indianapolis, IN with my wife Jane, our three kids, and our dog Roxi. When I’m not gaming, I also enjoy music, playing guitar, hiking, and camping.

C: With Sunstorm Interactive, you're credited for level design on Cryptic Passage, Caribbean Life and Route 66. How did you start working with Sunstorm and what do you remember from that time?

BB: In the mid 90’s, maybe around 1995 or 96, I was very into playing Duke Nukem 3D. Like most PC gamers at the time, I had played Castle Wolfenstein and Doom, and Duke Nukem just blew me away. Back in those days, when we played online, we would use a 3rd party program called KALI. You dialed up on your modem, logged onto the internet, and then used KALI as a portal to chat with other gamers and find someone to play with. The KALI software would then allow you to network together over the internet and play PVP matches. It was crude, and the lag could be horrible, but we didn’t know any better at the time and we loved it!

I remember I was in a B. Dalton bookstore in the mall one day (another relic of the 90’s that is long gone!) when I found a book called the “Duke Nukem 3D Level Design Handbook”. I was intrigued, and as I flipped through the pages it talked about a program on the Duke Nukem CD called Build, which allowed you to create your own levels. I had no idea Build existed, let alone how to use it. I bought the book and spent the next couple weeks diving into learning how to use Build. I was hooked!

Making my own maps quickly became an obsession. I would share them with my friends on KALI and I quickly earned a reputation for making user maps. I remember there was a map building competition, but I don’t recall who sponsored it. A guy named Robert Travis won the competition. When I saw his maps, I was blown away! His designs were so much more advanced than mine. He was using tricks I had never thought of to get lighting effects and set moods. I had to reach out to him to pick his brain.

Robert responded and we began talking and quickly figured out that we both lived in Indianapolis. He was working for Sunstorm at the time and invited me to come to their office to discuss level design. I met him there one evening, and he showed me some of the stuff he was working on. We ended up playing Duke all night on Sunstorm’s network with some of the other guys in the office. I was in heaven!

Robert introduced me to Anthony Campiti, the lead producer on Sunstorm’s next project – Cryptic Passage, an add-on for a Build engine game called Blood. They invited me to design some levels for the game and I jumped at the chance. Robert assigned me to design an opera house level and immediately I got pictures in my head of the theater scenes from Interview with a Vampire. I went home and worked furiously on designing the level. I was still rough, but with Robert’s help I tweaked things here and there and slowly learned his techniques. In the end I was really pleased with the level I’d designed. Robert and Anthony were happy too and asked me to design a second map specifically for deathmatch.

The next project Sunstorm was working on was Suckin’ Grits on Route 66, an add-on for another Build engine game called Redneck Rampage. Robert again asked if I’d like to be a part of that team and assigned me to build a truck stop level. Using a lot of the things I’d learned on Cryptic Passage, and the campy feel of the Redneck Rampage game, I had a lot of fun designing that level.

The last project I worked on for Sunstorm was Duke Nukem Caribbean Vacation. By this time Duke’s popularity was beginning to wane, and Quake was taking over. Robert was already starting to experiment and learn how to use the Quake engine. I was a new dad at the time (my first daughter had just been born) so unfortunately, I didn’t have the spare time to devote to learning a new engine. I barely had the time to design my level for Duke Caribbean, but I did manage to finish the casino level for that project. I do recall that Robert ended up going through in the end and changing a lot of the aspects of my level to fit the theme they had in mind. I remember being a bit disappointed and not really feeling like the level was “mine” because of so many of the changes. It was the last project I worked on for Sunstorm.

I kept in touch with Robert and Anthony for a while after that. They were branching out, working on other projects, and even trying to develop their own FPS game that I don’t think ever really got off the ground. Sunstorm was having the most success with their Deer Hunter line of games that at the time were selling well in Wal-Mart. Sadly, I eventually just lost touch with those guys.

I’m sure this is WAY more information than you were wanting (I’m a writer… I can’t help but go off the deep end!) but you dusted off some fond, old memories for me, so I apologize for walking so far down memory lane!

C: I see that you're still making maps, different kind of maps! This makes me wonder if maybe you were involved with W!Zone (a pack of maps for Warcraft 2 released by Sunstorm). Can you tell us a bit about that if possible?

BB: I didn’t have any hand in the W!Zone project for Sunstorm, but I loved the Warcraft series. As was common for many video gamers like me, who had roots in fantasy games like D&D, I played a lot of Warcraft and eventually got sucked into the world of MMOs with Ultima Online, Everquest, and World of Warcraft! If only I had back the time I sunk into those games!

These days I’m exclusively writing and designing for Dungeons and Dragons. I started about ten years ago writing for D&D Organized Play in a campaign called Living Forgotten Realms. I co-authored two adventures for that with my good friend, Michael Pearman, and authored a third adventure on my own. As you know from tracking me down via AAW Games, I’ve now authored six adventures for them, five of which are already published and one that is still in the works but should be released soon.

When I do manage to find time for video games, Diablo III is my game of choice these days. I’m looking forward to Season 22 starting here shortly, and like many others, I’m really hoping for something great with Diablo IV. I’ve been a huge fan of the series since the beginning, and even wrote an entire campaign for D&D 5E that translated the story of Diablo III into Dungeons and Dragons for the players in my home game! Thanks again for the opportunity to share some of this history. It was fun putting it all down and reliving those days!

C: There are two signatures in the Truck Stop level for Route 66. Do you remember anything about that ? There also several levels with no known credit : Fun Park, House of ill Repute, Mystery Dino Cave, Bigfoot Convention.

The signature on the truck stop is Route 66 was a joke! I was the only designer on that one. I just signed it "Billy Joe Jim Bob Buchalter" as a joke for bad redneck name. I wasn't the kind of guy that had to sign my maps the EXACT same way every time. :)

Other than the truck stop, I don't recall designing any other maps for Route 66. I pretty sure none of those you listed below were mine, but I don't recall whose they were.

Finally, here are some final comments Bill made after reading through some forum posts:

Wow, I am really quite humbled that you guys looked so deeply into my work! The fact that you could recognize my build style is pretty cool - I didn't even know I had a style! LOL. The truth be told, the reason you probably had so much trouble telling my levels from Robert's is because he was a big influence on me. I learned a lot from him and incorporated a lot of that into the stuff I built.

Its funny how reading through that thread you linked brought back memories... I remember now that my biggest disappointment from Duke Caribbean was that my only level in the game ended up being a secret level - that some people wouldn't even find it or ever play it. I was actually pretty excited about that level. I was the one that suggested a casino because my folks had retired to Vegas, so I'd been in a lot of the casinos there and had some great ideas for the map. I'd forgotten all about the restaurant I worked into it, and the big fish tanks.

There seems to be some debate about Robert. From what I remember, he was a really good guy. Maybe a bit tough to work for, but only because he really strived for our designs to be the best they could be, and he demanded that of both himself and the other designers. As I said before, I learned early on to accept criticism and critique and not take it personally. It was just Robert doing his job. I'll be the first to admit that I designed better levels thanks to the stuff I learned from Robert.

Someone on the message board made a very astute comment, basically to the effect that "Bill had to have other work out there. Sunstorm wouldn't hire an unproven guy off the street." But truth be told, that's exactly what they did! I hadn't done a single thing before working there. But I think a few things played in my favor. First, I lived in Indy, just 15 minutes from their office, so it was easy for me to go in and work directly with Robert. Second, while I didn't have anything officially published, I did have a disk full of the maps I'd designed on my own, and Robert thought I showed promise. I would design at home a lot, then go into the office a couple times a week and sit with Robert while he critiqued my work and offered advice on how to improve it.

I'll be honest - I'm blown away at the number of people STILL playing these old maps we made so many years ago. I watched a couple YouTube videos of a guy playing and reviewing Duke Caribbean and Blood Cryptic Passage. His high praise of both Full House and the Opera House really made my day. It's nice to know that people enjoyed my work.

_____________________________

Thanks a lot to Bill Buchalter for taking the time to answer these questions! Thanks also for sharing... “Big City” !

A Duke Nukem 3D map he created back in the day before joining with Sunstorm Interactive which was never released before! Screenshot:

Map download:

https://msdn.duke4.net/bigcity.zip

______

External link: Duke4 forum blog megathread: https://forums.duke4.net/topic/11471-blog-interviews-of-build-engine-video-games-developers/page__pid__353013#entry353013 The forum posts Bill read, mentionned above, can be found here: https://forums.duke4.net/topic/9418-duke-caribbean-multiplayer-levels/

#build #build-engine #blood #duke nukem #redneck-rampage #duke #nukem #duke nukem 3D #video games #route 66 #caribbean life #cryptic passage

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taetaesbaebaepsae · 5 years ago

Note

#6. Rival AU. Baekhyun. Let's get this fucking bread.♡

A/n: HERE WE GO, anything for my daddy ;) @illneverrecover

Compass

Summary: You and Byun Baekhyun are soccer coaches for your children’s rival soccer teams, and you can’t stand him. At least, until you get lost on a camping trip together.

Warnings: Sex in the woods, public sex, unprotected sex, oral sex (male receiving) P H E W

Word Count:1626 (drabble my ass)

You see him while your daughter is running for the bus and you’re chasing her and you want to scream.

It’s already been a hell morning getting your daughter, Ellie, ready for the soccer team camping trip, and you knew the soccer coach, Baekhyun, would be there, but somehow it just made the day so much worse.

You’re not even sure what it is about him that infuriates you, if it’s his stupid innuendo during practice or how he barked at you for being too close to the sidelines during coaching or his stupid handsome face….but he makes your blood boil.

His little boy, Byungwoo, comes running up to say hello to your daughter and she grins and hugs him.

You finally crack a smile as you approach. Byungwoo is sweet as sugar and loves playing with your little girl. He cried for hours when he accidentally kicked her once during practice, causing a bruise.

How he got to be so sweet with a dad like Byun Baekhyun, you’d never know.

It doesn’t help that your daughter isn’t even on his team and she adores Baekhyun, going on and on about how she wishes she could be on his team instead and what a great coach he is.

You’re her coach, damnit, and also her mother so she should prefer your team.

“Well, hello there, cutie,” Baekhyun drawls, and he winks at you when Ellie squeals as he picks her up.

You scoff and roll your eyes, ruffling Byungwoo’s hair as he looks up at you. “Been practicing your goalie techniques?” You ask, and he gives you a big gap-toothed smile.

The bus is packed already, except for two seats, and Ellie and Byungwoo take one, giggling and talking.

“Uh, Ellie, don’t you wanna sit with Mama?”

Ellie links her arm with Byungwoo’s. “No! I’m sitting with Byung and you can’t make me move!”

You sigh, knowing a sure-fire way to make her throw a tantrum is to separate them.

Baekhyun is already sitting in the empty seat, and he smirks at you and pats the seat next to him.

“Everyone aboard!” The bus driver yells and the bus lurches forward, depositing you directly on Baekhyun’s lap.

“I meant sit next to me, but I’m not complaining,” he murmurs in your ear.

You smack him on the chest, which backfires because it’s surprisingly firm, and scramble to sit upright next to him.

He just chuckles and your blood is boiling, you hate hate hate him and how your heart is racing.

You make it to the campsite without incident, and everything goes fine until someone suggests a hike and two of the other chaperones take the kids up ahead while you’re still struggling to put on your hiking boots.

You’re not what one would call “outdoorsy,” but you figured you could wing it, just like everything else.

Turns out, hiking boots are a pain in the ass, but not as big a pain as Byun Baekhyun, because he ends up trying to help you while also endlessly teasing you.

“Are your feet really this big?”

“Shut up! These boots are broken!”

By the time you get them tied, after begrudgingly accepting his help, the kids and other chaperones are nowhere to be seen, and you take off ahead, bitching at him the whole way.

“This is all your fault, you know. I was flustered from the bus and-”

“Flustered? Aw, cutie, I’m touched that you’re so affected by me.”

You look over at him and you hate his stupid smirk and his whole stupid handsome face and you’re stumbling over roots and trying to take a shortcut to get away from him.

He follows you silently other than a chuckle here or there, and soon enough, you’re hopelessly lost.

“Fuck!” You yell.

“I knew you had a dirty mouth,” he murmurs, right against your ear, and you almost trip over a root, twisting your ankle.

You’re hot and tired and frustrated and now your ankle hurts so you lash out.

“How can you have such a sweet kid and be such a bastard!”

You try to walk away on your wounded ankle and suddenly he heaves you over his shoulder.

You yelp and kick but he just firmly holds you there.

“Byungwoo’s mom ran off when he was six months old. I’m doing my best.” He says, quietly, and you go still.

“Ellie’s dad left when I was pregnant,” you mumble stubbornly. “Still no excuse for teasing me all the time.”

He sets you down against a tree, eyes flashing. “And why do you think I tease you all the time? Why do you think I always schedule our games in the same fields as yours? Why do you think I went on this stupid trip?”

“I dunno. Because you want to cause me suffering?” You mutter.

He’s standing too close and he smells good and you kinda want to disappear into the ground.

“Because I like you, dummy.”

Your mouth falls open. “You what now?”

He puts a hand on your face, caressing your cheek. “I like you. You’re fiery and sexy and you’re a great mom…and when I tease you, you get all cute and huffy…”

“I am not-”

He cuts you off with his mouth on yours and you let out a sound of protest before melting into him. It’s almost embarrassing how quickly your knees go weak when he slips his tongue into your mouth, one hand cupping your ass.

He moves his mouth to your neck and presses his hips up into yours, murmuring against your skin.

“Do you know how long I’ve wanted to kiss that smart mouth?”

“Was it that time I called you a motherfucker under my breath at the last game?” You breathe, trying to keep your composure.

He shakes his head, smiling. “Before that, when you shot me a bird behind Ellie’s back when I told you she should work on her footwork.”

“Her footwork is perfect!”

“It is now. You made her focus on it just to spite me.”

He’s trailing a hand up your shirt, fingertips on your ribcage, teasing under the edge of your sports bra and you’re shaking.

“Baek… we’re lost in the woods.”

“We’re not lost,” he murmurs, kissing your throat. “I once got chased through these woods by a crazy ex, I know exactly where we are.”

“Thank God for your whorish ways,” You snort, but it turns into a moan when Baekhyun gets his hand under your bra to brush his palm against your pebbled nipple.

“We could stay lost just a little while longer….” He twists your nipple between his fingers and you gasp.

You reach down to cup him through his jeans, he’s hard as diamond and he buries his face in your neck, moaning.

“Ah, cutie, I wasn’t planning to fuck you in these woods but if you do that…”

“Why not? The birds won’t tell.” You smirk, unbuttoning his jeans.

“Way to make a guy fall in love,” he says, looking down at your fingers slipping underneath his boxers, breath catching in his throat.

“Shut up.” You release him from his jeans and squat down to take his cock in your mouth and he braces against the tree, and he’s so loud you hope the kids are far away.

“Oh, fuck, I want to fill up that smart mouth…”

You come off him with a smile and a wink. “Next time.”

He looks at you almost awed. “I really am going to fall in love.”

“Shut up!” But you’re laughing and pulling your shorts and panties off.

You hop up into his arms and he slides inside you with ease, and you cry out when he starts fucking you hard and fast.

Your back will be scraped from the tree but you can’t bring yourself to care, he’s talking so much, moaning right into your ear.

“I’ve wanted you so badly, Y/n, in all those little shorts you wear, flashing your thighs at me…it almost made me angry. I thought about how I’d tease you until you were begging to be filled with my cock but you feel so fucking good, you-”

“I said shut up,” you breathe, and kiss him hard, rocking your hips against his, his pelvic bone slamming into your clit in just the right way, and he’s filling you so well, and you come almost in unison, both of you moaning into each other’s mouths, and you bite his lip so hard you taste blood.

You panic only for a moment, when it’s over, and when he lets you down he slides you down his body and kisses your jawline and suddenly you feel better, suddenly you feel like maybe it’ll all be okay, maybe he’s not like your ex-husband.

He’s all handsy and sweet on the way back to the camp, telling you how beautiful you are and how he’s going to take you out when you get back home, and when Byungwoo comes running up the hill and throws himself into his dad’s arms, you realize he’s nothing like your ex at all, and you’d misjudged him all this time.

When Ellie sneaks into him and Byungwoo’s tent later that night so that she can cuddle up to her best friend, you can’t help but smile when you see her little footprints.

You unzip the bag and Baekhyun looks up at you, with both kids draped over him, and beckons toward you with two fingers. You spend the night cuddled up in a pile, and from then on, you’re an inseparable foursome, even though he still tells you that you have a smart mouth every day.

You always respond, “Shut up,” and he’s always smiling when you kiss him.

#exo drabble #exo imagine #baekhyun drabble #baekhyun imagine #byun baekhyun x reader #baekhyun x reader #drabble game

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lady-divine-writes · 5 years ago

Text

Kurtbastian one-shot “A Less Lonely Echo” (Rated PG13)

Sebastian wakes Kurt up at three in the morning to go on a hike in search of the perfect sunrise to photograph. Kurt is a little less than thrilled. (1733 words)

Part of the Deliver Me verse

Read on AO3.

Kurt sighed. Once again, they were trekking their tired asses up another impossible incline, searching out the perfect spot to watch the sun rise. Kurt didn’t want to admit that secretly he found it extremely romantic. It reminded him of that first sunrise he and Sebastian caught together on the hillside overlooking his little yellow house. Actually, Kurt wouldn’t mind these quests for the perfect sunrise so much if they didn’t end with the two of them covered in three inches of dirt.

At least he managed to talk Sebastian out of riding a burro down the canyon. Not only were those poor animals worked to death (Kurt had made a note to contact PETA or whomever with regard to saving them from their lifetime of servitude), he’d ridden donkeys before.

There would be no getting that smell out of his jeans.

Sebastian said it was fine with him, that there was only one ass he had been looking forward to riding that day, and as much as Kurt was eagerly receptive to more fucking in a tent tonight, the thought of it made him feel sticky all over.

Kurt had brought his skin and hair care products on this adventure, but the only showers available were a freezing cold trickle of water spitting out a rusty pipe in a wall on the far end of a nearby RV park. Kurt couldn’t wait until they ended to camping trip, packed it in, and found themselves a nice, gold-star rated hotel. He was going to climb into the shower, turn on the hot water, and stand underneath the spray for a week and a half since it was going to take that long to work the grime out from under his fingernails.

Sebastian could work him, too, while they were at it.

“You do remember that I’m afraid of heights, right?” Kurt groaned as they reached the peak.

“You?” Sebastian teased. “Afraid of heights? Never. Not my gorgeous, bungee jumping fanatic.”

“Yeah, well, at least when we jumped off that bridge, there was a harness and a cable around us. I mean, what do I do if I slip off the top of this thing?”

With ironic timing, Kurt took a wrong step, slipping and sending a shower of pebbles down the path they had come up. Sebastian quickly grabbed hold of Kurt’s arm before he could slide back down completely and hauled him to firmer ground.

“My guess is fall,” Sebastian said, helping Kurt the rest of the way up the rise. When they were almost at the top, Sebastian pulled Kurt against his body, holding him tight in his arms.

“Just hold on to me,” he whispered, lips ghosting over Kurt’s flushed cheeks. “I won’t let you fall.”

Kurt scoffed. Sebastian frowned.

“Don’t you trust me?” he asked.

“Oh, I trust you,” Kurt replied. “It’s gravity I don’t have much faith in.”

Kurt wanted to add that Sebastian wouldn’t be able to help him while he was plummeting hundreds of feet to his death, but he couldn’t. With Sebastian so close, his lips brushing Kurt’s skin, each touch filling him with incredible heat, he ceased to be able to speak. Besides, Kurt believed in his heart that Sebastian would never let him fall, no matter how much his clumsy body wanted to test that theory.

With a hand beneath his chin, Sebastian raised Kurt’s mouth to his and kissed him. The wind at this height whipped around them, cutting along Kurt’s skin as the early morning rays crested the horizon. Kurt was blind to all of it, caught up in the rapture that was Sebastian’s warm mouth and his silky tongue caressing Kurt’s gently. Sebastian pulled away as the first touch of sunlight hit his cheek, laughing when Kurt’s lips chased his. Sebastian glanced over his shoulder and smiled.

“Here it is, gorgeous,” he whispered. “We don’t want to miss it.”

Kurt followed Sebastian the rest of the way, hand grasping his securely, to a flat area of rock where they could watch the sun rise. Sebastian maneuvered Kurt’s body in front of his. He unzipped his heavy jacket and wrapped it around Kurt, holding him close. Kurt exhaled a long breath of relaxation and contentment as he melted against his boyfriend’s body.

Sebastian was right. The vista stretching out before them was breathtaking. The rising sun spread golden fingers along the horizon, and everywhere they touched, the landscape came to vibrant and spectacular life.

“Aren’t you going to take a picture?” Kurt asked, unable to move his eyes away from the glorious sight.

“Another time.” Sebastian inhaled deep, breathing in the crisp, clean morning air along with the invigorating scent of Kurt’s shampoo. When the wind swirled around them again, the enticing scent of vanilla brought him down off the canyon and back to their tent last night - into the seclusion of Kurt’s embrace. “Right now, I just want to hold you. I’ll photograph it another day.”

“But Sebastian … isn’t that why we came up here?” Kurt didn’t know why he was complaining. Being held by Sebastian was becoming first on a long list of things that he loved more than life. “To find the perfect spot and take a picture of the perfect sunrise?” Kurt parroted their conversation from earlier this morning, when Sebastian had the audacity to wake Kurt at three in the morning to go on a hike of all things!

“Kurt, there are going to be a million perfect sunrises, but there’s only one perfect you, and right now, perfect you is winning.”

Kurt bit his lip, dry from the batting wind and the extreme altitude. And as uncomfortably chapped as they were, they were still hoping to be kissed. Never one to disappoint (and always seeming to read Kurt’s mind), Sebastian kissed a path along Kurt’s jawline. Kurt turned his head to seek him out, and when they met, the world around them suddenly filled with light.

Kurt sighed against Sebastian’s mouth, then turned back to catch what was left of the rising sun.

“Do you know I’ve never been here?” Kurt admitted.

“Isn’t it kind of a requirement for young boys?” Sebastian asked, holding Kurt tighter when the wind shifted and Kurt began to shiver. “I mean, Boy Scout troops come up here all the time.”

Kurt looked up at his boyfriend incredulously. “Do I strike you as the Boy Scout type?”

“I don’t know …” Sebastian’s eyes left the beauty of the horizon, opting instead for the beauty of Kurt’s eyes. “You’re smart as a whip, you garden, you work on cars, you write books, you cook, you sew … that’s six merit badges right there.”

“Huh. I never thought of it that way.”

“Besides, I think you’d look hot in the uniform.”

“I would,” Kurt admitted, turning back to the incredible view.

“My mom took us up here when I was around thirteen,” Sebastian said. “You know, that age when you still love your parents but you’re too cool to hang out with them?”

“I know what you mean but I was never that way. I forced my poor dad to have tea parties with me on the front lawn until high school.”

Sebastian chuckled, but he sounded sad. Sebastian loved talking about his mother. Reliving those good times with her was part of what this trip they were taking was all about. But as of late, those conversations tended to get more and more bittersweet. “Yeah. To be honest, that wasn’t me. I’ve been a mama’s boy my entire life. I would rather hand out with her over my best friends. In fact … she was my best friend.”

“What about your dad?” Kurt asked. “Didn’t he go with you?”

Sebastian kissed the crown of Kurt’s head, taking a moment to regroup his thoughts, clear the knot in his chest.

“No. No, he isn’t really the …”

“Please don’t say outdoors type!” Kurt cut in to lighten the mood. “I would rather not know that he and I have anything in common!”

“I was going to say the family type.”

“Oh,” Kurt said, dropping the subject, not wanting to push any farther. He already knew Sebastian had a strained relationship with his father, but only lately was Kurt beginning to realize just how distant Sebastian’s father really was during Sebastian’s formative years.

“Anyway,” Sebastian continued, “my mom, my brother, and I spent hours at this canyon, yelling like lunatics and listening to our voices echo. I think we annoyed, like, dozens of tourists but we couldn’t care less.”

“Echoes always seem kind of sad to me,” Kurt admitted.

“Hmm, I never really thought about it.” Sebastian kissed down the column of Kurt’s neck, seeking out warmth to thaw his now frigid lips. “Why do you think that?”

“I don’t know. It’s almost like you say something to the universe, then those words travel in search of someone who will hear them. But they don’t find anyone, so they just … return …”

“Well, maybe if we both say something at the same time, they’ll travel off together, and that will make them a little less lonely.”

Kurt giggled. “A less lonely echo?”

Sebastian shrugged. “Why not? It can’t be any stranger than the notion that an echo can be lonely to begin with.”

Kurt squeezed Sebastian’s arms around his waist. “Fair enough.”

“On the count of three?” Sebastian asked.

“What? You mean now?”

“Yup.”

“Okay. What should we say?”

“I don’t know. Pick something.”

Kurt rolled his eyes up to the sky, thinking. “All right. I know what I’m going to say.”

“You’re not going to tell me?” Sebastian asked.

Kurt shook his head. “Nope.”

“Okay,” Sebastian said nonchalantly. “Fine. Be that way. I’m not telling you mine, either.”

“Okay, then.” Kurt drew himself up to his full height and Sebastian laughed, noting silently that he was still an inch or two taller.

“On the count of three,” Sebastian commanded. “One … two … three!”

Both Kurt and Sebastian yelled into the wind, their voices hitting the canyon at roughly the same time. Kurt laughed at the cacophony of it, waiting for the echo to hit his ear, and when it did, he froze. He turned slowly in his boyfriend’s arms and looked into his smug face. “Wait,” Kurt said, looking ridiculously and adorably confused, “w-what did you just say?”

#kurtbastian #sebkurt #sekurt

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audreysjensens-blog · 6 years ago

Text

central pines [elodie davis x reader] {part one}

heyyy lovelies! i just watched trinkets (please please pretty pleeeease go watch it it’s beyond good) and am in love w elodie’s character. i hope you guys like this one!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

fic playlist:

bon iver - hey, ma

dead girl in the pool. - girl in red

banana clip - miguel

let it happen - tame impala (song parts 6:15 to 6:38)

overlap - catfish and the bottlemen

this baby don’t cry - k.flay

alligator - of monsters and men

It had been two and a half months since you’d arrived at Central Pines.

The food was okay, and the air conditioning was subpar. Since you hadn’t been too keen on going there in the first place, and your dad’s incessant emails weren’t going to end until you left, your newfound safe haven wasn’t exactly going to be something you cared too much about.

It was nestled in the outskirts of Portland, surrounding by hulking pine trees and dense forest, hiking trails close to overpowering the tiny rehabilitation camp.

Rehab, right, you reminded yourself. I’m in rehab.

The people were the only reason why you hadn’t left yet. Well, that, and your “family issues”, which is what the counselors had so fondly filed you under in their massive stack of patients.

Everyone seemed to be remotely friendly, and the people that you’d met had honestly made a decent impression on you. You’d leave if you were willing to jeopardize it, but going home wasn’t an option. Leaving meant getting caught, and getting caught meant that you’d have to go home. Plus, police, which was something you weren’t too happy to think about again.

You got up and out of bed, shaking out your messy Y/H/C curls and slipping your feet into your sandals. After your bed had been made (a small progression of what your counselors thought was a “good stride”), you took sleepy steps over to the closet and got changed for the day, finishing off your look with an embroidered jean jacket and a pair of loose slacks. You’d seen Booksmart a few weeks ago, and despite the fact that you loved the characters for who they were, you really goddamn wanted Amy’s jacket.

You looked to the other side of the room, barren with nothing to reveal any inpatients. Probably because you didn’t have a roommate. When you’d first gotten there, a girl named Safi was moving out, so there was no overlap between the two of you. You’d taken over your side, she’d left hers, and while your side was filled with posters of bands, movies, and corkboards with your friends’ photos, the other side contained peeling wallpaper and a sad-looking twin bed.

You checked your phone and saw that it was almost nine, which meant that you had to check in with Counselor Adams (or Tracey, depending on who you’d ask) before you could get any sort of breakfast. It was fine, because you’d rather die than go without your beloved coffee that came from Adams’s office, but you were kind of hungry. Regardless, you started making your way down the long dormitory hallways, seeing your peripheral friends getting ready for the day ahead and leaving their dorm doors open.

Adams’s office wasn’t the sort of place that made you feel like you were in an actual rehab center, but more like a therapist’s office, which you actually had grown to like. There were little photos of her family everywhere, along with comfy chairs, glowing twinkly lights, and tiny ceramic animals adorning the chair that sat opposite your couch. Well, not your couch, but you didn’t really have anything else in this facility besides your belongings, and damn it if that old, overstuffed linen didn’t feel somewhat like home.

“Ahh, Little Miss Caffeine,” Tracey groaned, flopping down in her Frankenstein’d athletic ball/old couch chair. “My espresso hasn’t hit yet, but we still have a couple minutes. Keurig’s up and running.”

“Thank God,” you sighed in relief, shutting the door behind the two of you and going to tap what you wanted into the machine. “You still have that almond milk creamer?”

“How could I not?” Tracey chuckled, taking another sip from her mug. “I use so much of the Folgers original creamer that I’m on the toilet for days with diarrhea. You suggesting an alternative was quite literally the only thing saving me from a life of bathroom hell.”

You giggled then, letting your hot mug sit for a second before splashing in the Splenda and the creamer. “Oh, so we’re blaming the milk for it now, huh?”

“I refuse to believe it’s the caffeine,” Tracey said strongly, wild hand movements indicating her opinion. “If it is, I might go crazy trying new methods of waking up so early.”

You looked up at the clock, seeing that it was exactly 9 on the dot, and sat down on the couch, ready to start your session.

Tracey leaned forward, pushing a piece of her curly brown hair back behind her ear and adjusting her blazer and her Central Pines t-shirt. “So. Let’s talk. Weekly update?”

“Sure!” you said, swatting your hand over your drink to make sure it wouldn’t destroy your tongue upon the first sip. “So, I’m doing okay. I do a lot of hiking, and I went into town last week on the free day. Which was nice.” “Ugh, free days are the absolute best,” Tracey said, crossing her legs over her chair. “I remember when I used to go on them. I was obsessed with the coffee place at the end of the street that gave you those little donut things. I mean, it’s gone now, but, fuck, they were so amazing! Oh, sorry, keep going.”

You laughed again at her habit of constantly interrupting you, and kept going. “Well, uh, it’s been different here. I mean, I know you guys pretty well, but friends-wise, I don’t really have too many here. I think a lot of people kind of just want to keep themselves going while they’re here. Not like, I want to speak for them or anything. I don’t know what’s going on with the others, and I really hope they’re all doing well, but I don’t really know how to you know, bridge that gap. You know?”

Tracey’s face took on a slightly sad and concerned expression, and she leaned back in her chair, nodding at your statement. “I understand. It’s hard enough trying to make sure you’re okay, while also trying to reach out to others. I’m sure that people will come around. Everyone has their personal demons, and when you’re here, we can’t always fully stop them from amplifying. But there’s always outlets. If anything, come here if you’re feeling lonely. You know that I have an armory of snacks and food and conversation, and I’m sure people not reaching out isn’t anything to do with you. I promise.”

You felt tears sparking up in your eyes then, and you looked up at the positive sticky notes on the ceiling, trying to enunciate them in your head to give the tears time to go away. Tracey gave you a moment before speaking up again, this time in a gentler tone of voice.

“Everything’s going to be fine. In fact, you have a new roommate coming at the end of the day today.”

You snapped your head back down to meet Tracey’s eyes, your fidgeting hands ceasing the incessant folding and unfolding and folding of the cuffs of your jacket. You couldn’t help but feel the rush of hope and excitement a new person brought, but quickly shut down the feeling. It was probably someone who didn’t want to be bothered with you, let alone be as furtive as you were to make friends. Squash the hope, you told yourself, taking a deep breath before speaking.

“Really?” you said, trying to keep your voice level and break-free. “Are you allowed to… Tell me about them?”

“Sure! A little bit, at least,” Tracey said, reaching over and pulling a manila folder from beside her coffee table. She opened the folder, sliding out a packet or so before speaking.

“Okay, so her name’s Elodie. She’s coming here from a few towns over from you, and she’s going to be with us for a little while. Apparently her father and some other family’s helping her to move in. I haven’t met her yet, but John in admissions did, and he seemed to get a somewhat okay feeling from her. You know, people leaving their hometown and friends and all that, it’s not easy,” Tracey said, sliding the packet back into the folder and replacing it on the table. “At least, she has people here who get what it’s like.”

You poked your tongue in on the side of your cheek and took a deep breath, flattening out your pants with your palms. She was right.

“If you need someone to show her around other than John, whose niche TV show reference I’m sure she loves hearing, I’ll do it.”

The words left your mouth before you could take them back, and you felt almost like you were going to slap your palm against your head. What the fuck! I don’t wanna do that? Do I? What if she’s cute? Fuck! Stop! She’s probably not interested. It doesn’t matter. Ugh, this whole internal guilt thing blows-

“Really?” Tracey squealed, clasping her hands together in excitement. “I mean, I was hoping I could find someone that could show her around that wouldn’t say ‘Bazinga!’ every three seconds.”

A grin took over your face, and you stood up, turning to put your shoes back on and leave the carpeted room. It was officially 9:30, and the next person to be counseled was going to come in any second. “What time are they getting here?”

“Noon!” Tracey said, scarfing down her drink before her next patient. “Thank you so much again, kiddo. I really appreciate it.”

“No problem, man!” you said, shooting finger guns at her before internally cringing and kicking yourself for the weird ass motion.

You said goodbye to Tracey and headed to the cafeteria, sitting down in one of the worn wooden chairs with a Clif bar in front of you.

Hello, Elodie, you thought to yourself. At least you’ll have a cool roommate.

#trinkets #trinkets netflix #netflix #elodie davis #elodie #elodie trinkets #brianna hildebrand #wlw #gxg #lgbt #pride #tabitha foster #moe truax #elodie davis fic

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a-taller-tale · 6 years ago

Text

Mad World

Summary: Simmons gets a mysterious message in the present. Meanwhile in the past, Grif has to explain how birthdays don't matter to an alien spark plug. No matter how time travel works, Back to the Future III will always be relevant. Notes: A @redvsbluesecretsanta gift for @creatrixanimi, who was amazingly patient when life blew up and I needed a few extra days. Also thanks to the RvB Secret Santa mods for organizing such a fun event again this year!

Also on Ao3

The Present

Nobody really celebrated things in Blood Gulch, especially not birthdays. Simmons could admit now that it was a miserable, boring, hot, pointless box canyon in the desert with nothing to do except run drills, do paperwork, patrol Red Base, and—on especially boring days–-try to see what the guys at the Blue Base were doing.

Then the rookies showed up, one Red, one Blue, and everything got a lot weirder. Besides Donut messing up Simmons’ chance at a promotion by somehow wheedling his way into Sarge’s good graces, both rookies were kind of young when they joined up, and very stupid. Neither of them seemed to understand the basic concept of being at war. And suddenly everything was a reason to celebrate.

Donut’s Daily Wine and Cheese Hour started first. Then there was Church’s Best Friend Celebration Spectacular, which Grif and Simmons had attended so they could get the food Donut made for it, and watch Church’s torment.

Sarge decided he wanted in on the action and started making up random holidays when he was bored. And then it was basically non-stop. Interventions, War-iversaries, Armistice Day (for Red and Blue movie nights), and when they couldn’t think of anything else, eventually even birthdays were a thing.

They weren’t as large an occasion as National Hot Dog Day, but they’d be as nice to the birthday guy as possible (which they usually gave up on five minutes in and dragged him more than usual). Then there’d usually be a presentation of old warthog parts wrapped up like presents so they'd have something to unwrap.

Donut always made cake, and Sarge allowed it after Donut swore up and down he wouldn’t make another one to jump out of because he didn’t want the joke to go stale.

Simmons got a party after he told everyone when his birthday was and planted hints all over the Valhalla base that no one could escape. He’d timed it perfectly too, starting a week in advance to account for how long his teammates would hold out to avoid giving him positive attention before they cracked.

“Okay! The surprise party is tomorrow!” Grif yelled. “Please no more texts about how your dad never came to your birthdays! I can’t take it anymore!”

Freckles had a birthday at Crash Site Bravo. Simmons didn’t remember a lot of it because of the blinding terror of being held hostage by a Mantis-class military assault droid and Caboose, who wasn’t famous for his leadership skills or track record of most accidental kills.

They didn’t always celebrate everyone’s birthdays every year, except for when they were on Iris. A lot of times throughout the years, they were busy with life threatening crap. There were accidents, and conspiracies, and missions to take out corrupt old white guys who were sometimes someone’s dad.

But as Simmons stares at the alert that just pinged his HUD, he has no idea how he hadn’t realized they’ve never done a birthday for Grif.

Sure, Sarge likes to joke about him being an unnatural abomination. But they had to have had one birthday thing.

After the Shizno incident was over, they came back to Iris with some pizza-to-go so they could try to have some time off again. Grif didn’t seem that happy to be back, but then again “retirement moon” had been Blood Gulch level of vacation, what with the never ending robot vs. dinosaur wars. And they had to chase some nesting dinosaur squatters out of the base before they could settle in again too.

In a moment that was still crystal clear to Simmons--despite the months of time traveling with Sarge, and then being stuck in a Blood Gulch time bubble--Grif had said he thought everyone hated him. He'd been certain of it, and weirdly calm. Not apathetic though. Resigned.

Simmons thinks it should be obvious by now that the ribbing is just the way that they talk to each other, and he'sthe one with anxiety. Even Sarge makes sure Grif is always with them now. Has been extra eagle-eyed since they got separated.

To use another manly metaphor, Grif's one of the supporting beams on Red Team. Without him they'll fall apart and Sarge would probably go crazy and try to sell everyone out to a serial killer so he could be a movie star. ...Again.

But when Simmons tried to tell Grif that, he only downgraded his importance to “hate glue.”

Simmons frowns at a cobweb clinging to the wall that he must have missed when he tricked everyone into celebrating Spring Cleaning, and realizes with his stomach slowly flipping that they never showed Grif he was important. And Grif noticed, even though he pretended not to care.

Grif thought they all hated him, could still think that, and they never gave him a reason not to. They’d been stuck together for fifteen years, had a drinking night dedicated to the anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic last week, and they never threw a party for Grif.

Simmons pulls up their personnel files. He's filled out forms for Grif, of course. Comes with the territory of carrying Red Team through bureaucracy and making sure they get their pay and also file their taxes right. So how had this date never really registered before?

May the Fourth.

Grif's right. It always comes back to Star Wars.

The Past

Huggins loved talking, and she loved people watching, and watching human movies. Like Die Hard. She and Grif got along super well really fast for her being a lens flare with knowledge supposedly beyond human comprehension.

They’d finally broken down to camp for the night after another day of walking across a country.

What Grif wouldn’t give for some methshrooms now, but he’d used up the last of his stash during the last big battle and hadn’t had the chance to restock before they walked right into more shenanigans without even a pizza break.

And now he was hiking. Something Huggins had totally tricked him into by mentioning his sister. He’d pulled a Sarge move and unloaded his gun at her, because that was dirty pool and she deserved it. But if this were a TV show, she was way better sidekick material than that reporter lady. Plus, he probably should check on his sister now that he knew she wasn't dead and buried in Blood Gulch, and just lost in time like him instead. Nothing better to do in a world without pizza.

“What are birthdays like?” Huggins chirped, interrupting his thoughts.

Grif blinked at the wood he had been kicking into a pile. Oh right, he was trying to build a fire. Not that he needed it with armor on that he was going to sleep in rather than sleeping on the ground, but when you were camping, fires were always necessary for atmosphere. And roasting marshmallows.

“Uh… I dunno,” he said. “Usually the same bullshit happens as any other day.”

“I don’t get the appeal of most other human traditions, but isn’t there cake and singing and celebration and presents? I thought that was important, since you humans don’t live so long.”

“Okay, one: Cake is always important. And B: Yeah, birthdays are a big thing, but only when you’re a kid. When you’re an adult, typically no one gives a fuck.”

Huggins flew in an anxious little circle around Grif’s head, settling into a hover in front of his visor. She had no face that he could see, but he got the impression that there were concerned eyes on him anyway. “But your friends—”

“Have their own shit going on right now, if you haven’t noticed the epic quest you’re leading me on. I’ll be happy if I can just get a slice of pizza after all this is over.”

Huggins clucked her non-existent tongue. Sentient light beings didn’t have tongues, so what made that noise? Unless she had a more alien humanoid type body and he just couldn’t see it with human eyes. Or she was extra-dimensional and the big spark was all that came through. Or—

“After I complete my mission and we defeat the Shizno, we will get pizza,” she said.

Grif cracked a smile, and he was covered by a helmet, but she always seemed to know when she got him to smile and ran with it.

“Ten pizzas!” She declared, zooming up and down dizzyingly, her light brightening. “And an Oreo cake!”

Grif scoffed, but he couldn’t hide the smile from his voice. “Make that an ice cream Oreo cake and you have yourself a deal.”

“Deal!” she yelled instantly. “I can’t wait to go to a human birthday party!”

“Hey, no one said anything about it being a birthday party.”

“It’s going to be your birthday party. And it will not be bull shit.”

“Hey, if you say so. It can be my birthday, if there’s Oreo ice cream cake on the line. And I’m getting the hint that spark plugs—”

“Sentient light beings.”

“—don’t have birthdays, huh? I guess you can share mine as long as you pay for the pizza and cake and beer. I might even let you have some of the cake.”

“Hey, I never said anything about beer. And human food is gross! You can keep it.”

Grif snickered.

The Future

Unfortunately, Huggins never got to follow through on her threat to throw Grif a birthday party.

They fixed almost everything, and came back to Iris, and they even got pizza on the way. But they couldn't save Huggins.

He’s been sleeping and bingeing TV for a few days. Almost no one's bothered him, though Kai's come in to visit and poke him a few times.

It's fine. Okay, not really fine, but it's normal. You win some, you lose some. Just like every other stupid adventure. And he's getting used to losing by now.

Grif stares at the light on the bedroom ceiling. Wonders if Huggins went out like a lightbulb, all burnt and cracked and blackened. He hopes there's an afterlife for little spotlights that talk way too much exposition.

“Hey Grif!”

How the hell does Sarge always sound like he has a megaphone when Grif knows for a fact he doesn’t know how to work the amplifier in his armor?

“What?!” Grif screams through the wall, not moving an inch from his bed. “I’m busy!”

“Get your lazy ass out here, Grif!” comes Simmons’ voice next. He's also good at projecting. If Grif didn't know better, he'd say he was a closet theater kid.

“Fuck off, Simmons!”

“Pretty please.” Grif jumps. Caboose’s voice is at a normal volume, and soft and coaxing, but right outside the door.

Goddammit, of course they sent Caboose. Cheaters.

“Ugh, fine. I’m coming.” Grif rolls out of his blanket nest, ruffling up his hair, and throwing on a semi-clean shirt he’s only worn once from the laundry pile on the floor.

The instant he opens the door, he's greeted not by Caboose, but by the smell of something extremely burnt coming from the kitchen. “Donut better not have set the base on fire again,” Grif complains as he trudges into the common area the Reds and Blues share.

“That better not have been a crack about my cooking,” Carolina says, her arms folded across her chest. Carolina's less scary now that they're kinda friends and he's seen her super baked.

Actually, nah, she's still the same amount of scary when she wants to be, but her mouth is twitching up in the corner. Joking.

“Just stating facts—“ Grif freezes mid-step as he registers the rest of the room.

There's a messy banner that was obviously half-painted by Donut in pastel shades of red, and the other half also obviously by Caboose because it says “Happy Birthday, Girff.”

“Who’s Girff?” he says automatically to cover for his shock. There are streamers, and music playing from a comically antique boom box, and a poster of Blade taped over the sink?

It's also a full house with Wash and Carolina, and also Doctor Grey and Kimball, and the mockumentary film crack team of Dylan Andrews and the guy that filmed for her. Sarge is standing with a twitchy nervous Simmons near the front, and the lieutenants are setting up board games and pizza and appetizers on the table, while Bitters leans back against the wall casually.

“Girff is you, stupid!” Kaikaina says, ambushing him from the side with a bear hug. “Happy birthday, bro!”

Donut swings in from the back where the kitchen is, twirling on one heel, holding a cake decorated with delicate swirls of peach icing and orange flowers. “I just whipped this one up quickly!”

“You made a back-up cake,” Carolina says flatly, turning a real glare on Donut.

“Of course! ” he says breezily. “Nothing can be left to chance on such an important occasion! Always use protection!”

It's really hard for Grif to act cool about this. Everything about the dumb party shows how much they know him, down to the Battlestar Galactica special edition of Clue.

Especially when Simmons shows him the message he got. It was a text alert from a post office on a remote colony that had been holding onto a parchment letter for 1000 years to give to a Dick Simmons on an exact date at an exact hour. The post office wanted some ridiculous fees for the hard copy to be delivered, but luckily they sent Simmons the transcription.

It was a note to save the date for today, and make Grif’s next birthday the party of the century.

Fucking time travel.

Grif had always wanted some ancient clever letter from a time traveler delivered to him with an auspicious warning, or a hundred billion dollars. But he's really glad he knows Huggins liked Back to the Future III now. They hadn’t gotten to those movies in their pop culture conversations yet.

Donut put sparklers in the cake, and when he lights them, the sparks shoot up and down and dance and fly around excitedly.

Surrounded by his family and friends, Grif blows out the candles.

Children waiting for the day they feel good Happy birthday Happy birthday Made to feel the way that every child should Sit and listen Sit and listen

And I find it kinda funny I find it kinda sad The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had I find it hard to tell you I find it hard to take When people run in circles It's a very very Mad world Mad world

#rvb #rvb fic #rvb secret santa #dexter grif #huggins #gen #fluff and angst #found family #my writing

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ldarchive · 6 years ago

Note

all or some of: 10, 18, 19, 20, 25, 28, 30, 35, 36, 39, 40, 41, 42 for the ask meme =) lay all the ari facts on me

ty indigo ilu… shepardposting no limits (HOPEFULLY THE READMORE WORKS?)

10. What kind of friend is Shepard?

the “will give you shit but also go to the ends of the earth” for you type i suppose…he shows his affection thru gentle bullying. he can also be kind of genuinely an overbearing asshole at times, but he gets better with it; it takes him a while to, uh, adjust to having “friends” in the first place. he’s a dad friend if your dad is kind of a grumpy punk with a rude and morbid sense of humor

18. Share a headcanon about Shepard and their LI.

[struggling to come up with something i haven’t talked about a million times] uhhhhhh

kaidan wanted to propose with one of his dad’s old rings but he figured out it wouldn’t fit ari’s finger, so (with his mother’s blessing/assurance that his dad would have been more than happy abt it, etc) he had the gold melted down to make a new ring. in my mind it looks smth like this and yes ari totally cried a little

it also took kaidan weeks of near-misses to work up the nerve to propose even tho he Knew ari was gonna say yes, he was just really worried about getting it right. eventually he just did it on their balcony and ari got surprised and dropped his cigarette and kaidan got a cool new engagement burn scar on his arm but it was nice

19. Why did they fall for each other?

ari fell for kaidan bc he’s not just intelligent, but perceptive; he’s a realist who errs toward optimism and making the best of bad situations; he believes people can and should be better; he has a surprisingly understated sense of humor; he can keep up with ari’s teasing; ari asks him if he’s a romantic and he denies it and then gives, like, the most romantic answer in the world. he’s cute.

kaidan fell for ari bc……. he has big arm. ok but uh i think it’s because he’s, pretty practical and matter of fact and doesn’t care all that much about the social trappings that kaidan continually tortures himself with… he makes kaidan feel Seen and Understood but doesn’t make a big dramatic deal out of everything kaidan tells him, he just treats him… like a person. for someone who’s been living with & defining themselves by their issues for as long as kaidan has, it’s pretty incredible to find someone who just makes him feel like a human being again

20. What are their common interests or hobbies?

a lot of their relationship is like, meeting each other in the middle haha, but there are some things they both enjoy a lot with no caveats:

- cooking! kaidan’s a foodie and it becomes ari’s therapy hobby after me3, so it’s smth they enjoy doing together a lot. they try to do it more often if possible, but their general friday night tradition is to come home, crack open a couple beers, and cook a big meal together

- they are both outdoorsy Adventure Dads… it takes a while before ari can handle more than a walk around the park but eventually he and kaidan can go hiking again and they both rly love it. i imagine theyd be into stuff like camping, swimming, kayaking, etc too dfjnfg

25. Is there something they fight about?

well, everyone gets into arguments occasionally, but i don’t really think they fight all that often… not that they agree on everything all the time, but they’ve both gotten pretty good at talking things out and also deciding whether or not something is even worth arguing about in the first place. when you are dating someone during the apocalypse and don’t have to any time to waste those are both pretty valuable skills haha [i think the most they ever fought in their relationship was post-me3, when ari got out of the hospital and they’d both started to ‘settle in’ to their new lives but it was a bumpy adjustment and they were both going thru a lot of trauma and stress and bottling it up etc. it wasnt a great time but they worked thru it]

28. What would they like to change about the other?

it’s a double-edged sword, bc it’s part of what attracts kaidan to him as well, but sometimes kaidan really wishes ari had more a self-preservation instinct!! sometimes his tendency to charge headfirst into trouble is sexy, sometimes kaidan is tired and sad and it just gets really old

ari wishes kaidan would loosen up a little although, again, the straight-laced military thing (unfortunately) kinda does it for him. he would also take away kaidans chronic pain if he could

30. When did they realise they fell in love?

fr kaidan it was shortly after virmire and it absolutely scared the shit out of him ahaha

ari is dumb so he didn’t really realize until after horizon, which was probably a bad way to figure that out,35. Is there anything they dislike about the other?

ari appreciates how thoughtful kaidan is but sometimes it’s like… a bit… much lmao, he’s not as navel gaze-y as kaidan is so sometimes the process of having to talk everything out gets tiring. for kaidan it’s kind of the opposite, he sometimes perceives ari’s lack of forethought as a lack of care, which isn’t really true, he just works differently

on a much pettier level, ari gets annoyed that kaidan wants to sleep in all the time and kaidan gets annoyed that ari drowns all his food in hot sauce. hello, i worked hard on that steak36. What are their best memories together?

advtykefd cheesy but i like to think they got to take a little bit of leave after me1 so… they rented a log cabin somewhere (not sure if they went back to earth or just a colony planet somewhere?), turned off non-emergency comms on their omnitools and just chilled for a bit… went hiking, had drinks at the tiny bar in the closest small town, holed up in the cabin all day and had sex lmao it was probably the most peaceful week of aris entire life and it left a big impression on him

ofc later there’s stuff like their wedding day, their son’s birth, adopting their daughter etc. kaidan would probably even say, with the emotional distance provided by time, that horizon counts cuz even tho it sucked at the time nothing could have been better than realizing ari was alive

40. Is there someone in the squad of ME/ME2/ME3 Shepard dislikes? Why?

MIRANDA LOL… they just. do not see to eye or get along at all. i find their relationship very entertaining for this reason bc the dynamic of commander & XO who are both trying to be professional but do not respect e/o even the tiniest bit is so funny. theres a convo w her in me2 (i think it might be the one where you can initiate her romance?) where if you choose the renegade dialogue is hilarious to me… miranda makes some snide, passive aggressive comment about shepard based on their background (it’s like “it’s amazing how you’ve managed to succeed despite being _____” lmao) and then shepard is like “OH i get it, you’re jealous bc i’ve been more successful than you and TIM likes me more even tho i’m a big piece of shit idiot?” i love it it’s so funny. they both suck. eventually they do build some kind of mutual respect btwn them but theyre still… not exactly friends. i think in me3 ari was like “damn i hope miranda’s ok” and then when he actually met her again remembered why he used to be so pissed at her all the time lmao. (after me3 tho she saves his life Again and they probably have a lot of time in the hospital to just talk so maybe they do become genuine friends)

41. Are there any important relationships in Shepard’s past that defined their character? /42. Is there someone who had a great influence on Shepard?

just gonna try to combine these i guess,

- his parents, although he only got an unfortunate short time with them, he takes after both of them a lot, and the things his parents imparted on him stuck with him, but especially as he gets older he’s also really aware of the mistakes they made

-the reds, in general. not a really positive influence lmao but. they were his home for years & he learned how the world works through them, for better or worse… it’s why he’s a bit of a cynic, although later he is able to characterize it more as “this shit sucks But we can make it better” rather than just “this shit sucks”

- anderson was the first person ari ever felt saw him as a human being, and it was… a slow-going thing to learn to trust him ahah, but wanting to be worthy of anderson’s approval shaped a lot of his career decisions

#neositter #ask #oc: ari shepard

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dontknockitkid · 5 years ago

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Farewell

You knew this one was coming haha

I never posted anything on social media about baseball being over for me because I didn’t want to accept it, acknowledge it, or over-romanticize the ending of a simple game for me.

But I will, however, write this;

These are my sentiments about a game that had an exceptional part in molding me into the man that I am today. I will never communicate anything like this again, unless it’s in person and verbal and only if someone asks.

Here i present to you, Chris Ramirez, the baseball player.

First and foremost, I feel the need to give the greatest gratitude and praises to God for blessing me through my baseball years without a debilitating injury. I never broke, severely strained, pulled, or tore anything in the 16 years of constant travel, overhead motions, conditioning, or weightlifting. I praise my almighty God for that absolute blessing. With saying that, I’m not talking down to anyone who has had one because I’ve realized how anxious it makes athletes as well as how much it affects their confidence, self-esteem, sense of worth, and identity. I truly feel for those who have been affected by the unforeseen traumas of athletics.

Now, for the tear-jerky portion of my outpouring.

My dad has told me that he wanted to sign me up to play little league baseball when I was younger, but my mom was opposed to the idea because she said it was dangerous and I might get hurt. My dad, being the person that he is, went on to sign me up at South Side Little League in south Oxnard, CA. I make sure to specify SOUTH Oxnard because it was the most rag-tag, blue-collared, league in Oxnard (in my opinion of course). Being in this league for the first couple years of baseball made me the humble, quiet player that I was because we always played (and were crushed) by the surrounding, more wealthier and supported, leagues. The best thing about my younger years (pre-high school), was the traveling. Specifically the long drives I had with my dad. We would drive 3-4 hours and basically spend the weekend together. We would wake up early, go to the nearest McDonald’s, and then head to the sports complex. Those are some of the moments, weekends, and trips that I will cherish the most regarding baseball because they constructed the relationship I came to have with my dad. My dad went to as many games as he could, but the majority of games I either had to hitch a ride with a coach or teammate, and he would show up whenever he was able to. Both my mom and dad have supported and been there for me after every great and terrible game to give their unique feedback (you sucked today but we still love you; keep fighting kid. You have unbelievable potential.) I held on to each and every pre- and post-game talk with my dad because above all else, he was PRESENT. He cared about what I had to say and how I felt about my performance, and he absolutely 100% knew that I cared what he saw or had to say (even though after the tough losses I acted like I didn’t want to hear anything from him at times, but like a young boy, I yearned for my father’s edification and approval). They provided the life and the beautiful days I would never EVER take back, and seeing them smile at me and say they’re proud of me when I didn’t get drafted, had my last start, and graduated college meant the entire world to me.

Now, while I’m talking about my family, I wanted to include a few words for the village that raised me.

These pictures are from my very last season of baseball, but it embodies the support I’ve received from my beautiful family. From fundraisers, to them traveling/camping overnight for several days to see me play (succeed, and sometimes really suck, which often made me really sad), I am forever grateful for their presence. My brothers, Angel and Kevin would often help me forget about a tough loss by providing laughs that turned into happy tears, as well as celebrating with me when I had a great game. Their hugs and affirming, congratulatory presence throughout my life have fueled me to be a respectable sibling. I have always wanted to make them proud of me. I value the photos we have together in our baseball uniforms growing up, as well as the ones we took when they came to visit and watch in Vegas and southern Cali. Even more so than the photos, the moments I was blessed to experience when I hugged them and told them that I loved them after a game or after having not seen them in months, are where my love during those years rests. Te quiero muchisimo mis hermanos. Cousins, Tia’s and Tio’s, family friends, who have housed me on my trips, and let me crash on the couch or guest bedroom for a night or two as I was making my way across the country or back home, I love you. You have no idea how grateful I am for your gracious hospitality. It is and always has been truly heartbreaking as a little kid knowing I wasn’t able to make a baseball trip because of insufficient funds. My parents have done everything that they could to make sure I was able to go to at least a couple trips growing up, and I tear up just thinking about how they made it all possible. I am so thankful for the limited opportunities because it made me appreciate each and every one of them a whole lot more. I love you, mi familia. Near and far, familial and friend.

I couldn’t write something like this without mentioning my coaches. The men (and their wives because if you know anything about coaching, it is a HUGE commitment and sometimes takes a toll on their families. So if any of my coaches’ wives read this, THANK YOU for being patient, kind, and supportive to the men that helped mold me physically, emotionally, and spiritually) that took their time showing me how to simply throw a small object wherever I wanted it to go with controlled aggression, allowed me to spend a good-sized portion of my life having the most fun I’ve had playing a little kid’s game.

I wanted to give a special and heartfelt thank you to my friend, brother in Christ, and former pitching coach Matt Merricks because he (by God’s wondrous grace) developed a form of pitching that incorporated your walk with Christ. Once I was saved by God and my world changed forever, I also became a different type of pitcher, and Matt was there to help refine the explosion of my new heart in Christ. Thank you forever Matt, you helped a young boy understand what it takes to heave a baseball and leave it up to God from there as soon as it left my fingertips, as well as doing the same in life.

To my amazing teammates:

To say you guys have changed my life would be the biggest understatement ever. My boys at Channel Islands and the surrounding high schools who I became so close with, you guys gave me afternoons worth enjoying. You made Oxnard and SoCal a place that tore my heart leaving, but oh so wonderful reflecting back on. If I wrote a small little paragraph for each person or year of baseball, this blog would span a lifetime haha, but I’ll keep it short and to the point.

Channel Islands: Jonny, Isaiah, Matt, Beto, Alfred, Ricky, Manny, Micah, Felipe, Greg, Miles, Anthony, Ray Ray, Leo, Wade, Josh, Stefon, and a few others who were my little tribe in high school: thank you for riding through it all with me. All the high school shenanigans, trouble-making, talks about girls, long days of practice and conditioning, were boosted to absolute nostalgia because of all of you. The memories jam packed at that one school and ball field, are some of my most cherished moments of my upbringing. People always say that you should go to college because those are supposedly the best years of your life, but in all honesty, these years are a definite close Second haha. I can still remember and feel the deep belly laughs at jack in the box, trips to fresh and easy, and countless other get-togethers I will not mention because some of my family might read this eventually hahaha

I love you, and I pray you all are doing well.

Colorado Northwestern:

A small junior college in Rangely, CO was the perfect place for my collegiate baseball career to kick into gear. Why? Because of these guys: Joe, Ricky, Alaska, Mikey, Cado, Nies, Chase, Trevar, Colin, Tanner, Riding, Hoff, Texas, the Woods brothers, Naus, Cory, and several others who brought seriously so much happiness to my days there. At a low point in my life, you guys helped keep me afloat by your jokes, brotherhood, invitations, inclusivity, and acceptance of a new direction I was going in life. You supported me, held me accountable at the late hours of the evenings, and poured into me when I really needed a laugh, friend, or a late night/early morning trip to Vernal or the gas station. The trips we took to the lake, the hikes behind the school, phenomenal bonfires at red rocks, runs up and down Kennedy, when we discovered the “rollercoaster”, and post-game dinners in the caf; dang, I freakin miss that small little school in that small little town.

If you didn’t see your name, don’t take it personally I promise. Even if you were only at that specific school for a couple weeks, you still were part of my experience and growth, and for that I am forever grateful for you all.

Mesa:

Finally, my Mesa family.

Not enough words could describe the absolute excitement and gratitude I had entering a program that was notorious for having a winning record, playing home games at the same stadium the junior college World Series is held, and where a minor league Colorado Rockies affiliate resides. I talked about the anticipation and excitement that was literally almost oozing out of me to every person that would listen, and I want to take a moment here and thank each person that listened to my gripes, groans, and endless soliloquys about a little boy’s dream coming true. You may not have known it at the time, but those moments and conversations built me up (or how us young people say it these days, “it HYPED ME UP”) and encouraged me to live up to the “hype” that I was giving myself haha

Colorado Mesa is where I bore my fruit; the fruit I had worked so endlessly for throughout my life. I was crafted and molded into the pitcher I would come to be my sophomore year at CNCC (and that summer), and CMU is where it all flourished. The grit was there; the motivation was there; the humility; the approach; the passion; the youthful zeal (you’re gonna hear me say that NUMEROUS times throughout my written pieces, so you better get familiar with it because it’s one of my favorite phrases). Everything was already in place, by God’s gracious love, and now it was time to showcase it. Soli Deo Gloria style. Coram Deo style.

Pitching at CMU was everything I’d hoped it would be and so much more. Having the opportunity to pitch in a rotation that included some of the best pitchers in the nation was a dream come true for a little kid from South Oxnard. My friends and roommates making their way over to the stadium on some Saturday or Sunday afternoon would come to be one of my favorite memories of putting on that creme colored jersey and doing what I loved. Now instead of making this a 55 page blog post, I’m just gonna talk about the memories that stand out the most:

I’ll start with the entire 2017 season. The 2017 season came with a ton of extraordinary moments, some of which I’ll go into a bit of detail soon, but it also came with devastating news that would lead to the season’s mantra and future banner of pride, brotherhood, and hardwork. A ball player and dear friend to many named Ryan Teixeira past away from his second battle with cancer. His wake and funeral services in California were unbelievably moving, and I couldn’t help but admire (and absolutely sob) on how unashamed of the gospel his family was at his funeral service. They were bold, broken, vulnerable, but stood firm on the promises of God. It was truly spectacular. May Ryan rest in glory.

I had the best year of baseball in 2017. Although my sophomore year at CNCC was super wonderful, I cannot compare the two as to which one was better than the other because each one was vastly different. At Mesa;

- I experienced a beautiful Friday night fireworks celebration after breaking a school win-streak. The stadium was as full as it ever had been while we were playing in it, and there was this aura of happiness and genuine enjoyment, regardless of wherever you were sitting (even in the visitor section). Fireworks and baseball have always been like peanut butter and jelly, ham and burger, salt and pepper, and tyga and Chris brown. 😂

- I flew for the first time (in a private airplane at that) to play in a regional tournament, as well as a D2 World Series. This playoff experience had me almost in tears thanking God for getting our team and I to that point in order for us to experience and excel in an environment like that. I pitched the BEST two games in my life that season (complete game shut-out against the #1 team in the region at their home field to eliminate them and send us to the championship, and a complete game win against the #1 team in the nation to eliminate them and send us to the semi-finals in the World Series).

Baseball is boring to a lot of people; I’ll admit I even think it’s boring sometimes, but I found an aspect that was worth cherishing the boredom forever. Through this game God gave me memories, friends for a lifetime, extreme frustration and anger, absolute joy and passion, and a love and appreciation for a game played by 4 year olds and 70 year olds. How amazing is that?

God, thank you for these years.

I will miss it forever.

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lifeofalaurie · 6 years ago

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my uwc story

i remember reading through uwc blogs when i had just found out about uwc and when i was applying and going through all those months of WAITING for the next step...and they were so helpful. im so glad these exist

i first found out uwc through my brother’s friend, who actually went to UWC atlantic college (where im headed!!!!) a few years back. it was one ordinary saturday afternoon (idk if it was actually saturday but that sounds right) and we were carpooling with said friend (usually i dont participate in these but i happened to be in the car that day) and we were talking about next year and whatever and she just kinda said that she wasn’t going to be back next year bc she was going to this ‘abroad’ program. i didnt even really think about it that much. i in fact forgot about it after that...apparently my dad did not.

so my dad would talk about it here and there but i was NOT INTERESTED for that whole year..then...i started researching a bit myself and thought oh this sounds kind of cool. i still didn't really get what UWC even was or if was even a legit thing. it just sounded like another boarding school (a huge NO for me). then i saw that there was a such thing as a “short program” (or maybe someone actually told me about it) and i decided to apply for the one at the USA campus in New Mexico. i remember writing the essays over winter break and thinking they were pretty terrible (there was also a skype interview involved and that was rough) so i was pretty shocked when i found out i had gotten in but it worked out well bc my fam was going to arizona anyway a week before that so i just flew to new mexico myself after that (i say that casually but we had to cancel tickets and get new ones so that i could go to new mexico instead of home PLUS i had to fly for myself for the first time and i was pretty confused). (also, the program is called global leadership forum or GLF)

after hermit’s peak hike (ALL UPHILL FOR A SOLID 4-5 HOURS) i think it was like 8 miles IDK. view was so nice though 10/10

GLF turned out to be an amazing experience and really solidified my trust in UWC and confirmed to me that it was indeed a real thing. i really loved how much we did in those 2 and half weeks or so - camping, hiking, interacting w wolves, having important discussions - and it really pushed me to decide to apply to UWC for real. maybe ill talk more about it in another post!!!!

ok so coming home i did even more research and really really started liking UWC and decided that i might as well try to apply. i knew they never had a certain ‘criteria’ for students but i also knew it was a long and stressful process and involved really digging deep so i really didn’t think much of it (didn’t think i really had a chance) after submitting my written application. and then began the long waiting game...

here’s a nice picture of the sky @ a wolf reservation! just wanted to add a nice pic

i never joined any of those fb groups or college confidential things for applicants and good thing bc looking at some of them now stress me out so i wouldve probably been even more stressed if i had been involved in that. also i didnt even know they existed until later so thats also probably why.

anyway i had totally forgotten about UWC (more like i was sure they’d forgotten about me or there had been something wrong like my application wasn’t submitted or something) bc i didnt hear back until the end of november (i submitted the application early october). but finding out i was a semifinalist was kind of traumatic bc in my GLF snapchat group one of my friends (who’s going to Pearson this year!!!) said he’d moved on to the next stage and i hadn’t GOTTEN ANY EMAIL. i think i just accepted it that that was the end. but then a few hours passed when i finally decided to check a different email and, alas, there it was. so a few days later, i got an email from my interviewer when we should do our skype interview and it turned out to be the same day i was taking the ACT. good

the interview turned out to be completely ok and actually really great (enjoyable even!!?). if youre at that stage, seriously the best advice i have is to just chill and be honest when youre answering. also, make it more like a conversation rather than the interviewers (yes there are prob going to be more than 1 but i assure u its ok) asking u questions back and forth. think of it as a conversation- that helped me so much to relax. the interviewers just wants to talk to you and find out what kind of person you are and if youre the same one that wrote all those deep meaningful essays from the written application - so if you were honest from the start youll be completely fine...if not, well..sry

after that, school and extracurriculars and life really went up for me and i just forgot about UWC again. i never really told any of my friends about it or anyone except for my parents. i kind of wanted it to be a personal thing- get in or not in the end.

after a really good last day of school before winter break, i went to the town library (lol) and checked my phone and therE IT WAS. I WAS A FINALIST WHICH MEANT I WOULD BE GOING TO THE UWC USA CAMPUS FOR FINALIST WEEKEND. did not know what to expect

waiting for finalist weekend felt looooong

but it came

i flew there myself AND IT WASNT EVEN DIRECT and i remember feeling so independent and proud for making it. it turned out i was one of the later ones and in the last group to be bussed over (but i met a friend on the bus who i still talk to here and there who is going to RBC this yr!!). we were so late we missed the initial meeting and first night of activities and just went straight to the hotel. at the hotel i saw my interviewer and she gave me a hug (<3) and that helped calm me down and it was also really nice to see her in person bc i remember really liking her during our skype interview. then finalist weekend happened. and im pretty sure im not supposed to expose the process so all i can say was that it was actually so genuinely fun and a real good time

UWC USA <3

at the end we all exchanged social media and fb and all that and started a messenger group chat -- as nice as it was to be able to connect to everyone, i think it really stressed everyone out. they told us that results would come out early that week (FALSE). THAT WEEK AFTER FINALIST WEEKEND WAS THE MOST STRESSFUL THING EVER. IT TOOK YEARS FOR IT TO GO BY. i remember constantly checking my email between classes and everyone in the group chat wondering if anyone had heard. then on wed night, we all got an email that said the results would be notified by friday instead. the worst

i remember that friday evening i was packing for my first hackathon (it was fun) and thinking the call wouldnt come until later that night. people were freaking out all over the group chat. then, as i was scrambling packing my sweatpants into my bag, the home phone started ringing and i ran..RAN TO THE PHONE. it said my interviewer’s name on the caller ID and i was like OK THIS I S REAL. and i picked it up and it turned out i was too late so i frantically called back probably 10 times on multiple different phones (my efforts did not work). but then, i got a call to the home phone again and it was her so i picked up RIGHT AWAY and when she told me... i kid you not that i screamed and ran around my house a few times. so thats it. it was kind of a really long and sstressful process for sure, but SOO WORTH IT. i definitely learned a lot just from that process bc it makes you think and reflect a lot all throughout. weeee

if youre even thinking about applying please GO FOR IT (well as long as ur in the right age limit, 16-18.... and also make sure you’ve done some research to get a feel for it).. but just DO IT. and u can ask me questions if u want and ill answer to the best of my personal ability (but remember that im just one person and one experience and each person’s experience is completely different)

here is the general website btw:

https://www.uwc.org/

i will probably do another post to explain UWC - at least in my own words and perspective!

<3 <3 <3

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umbreeonic · 8 years ago

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ummmm purple through black : ^ )

Wljvwpuwv ofc u would… smh

(Purple: 10 facts about my room)1. It’s absolutely a mess ty depression2. I have a loft bed3. I also have a chair that folds out into a bed that I’m lying in rn instead of my actual bed bc I had a sleepover like two weeks ago and I was too lazy to move my sheets to my bed from the chair4. I have a peeling wallpaper border that’s high school musical, however it’s a sticker kind of wallpaper and underneath that is a Disney princess border5. My room is pink. My brothers is also blue. Yes I am ashamed of this6. I have a four story shelf my dad made just for me7. My shutters are fucking weird idk what’s up w them or even how to explain them they’re just. Weird8. There’s like a little mini hallway for a foot and a half at my doorway bc the bathtub juts out too far9. The hatch to the bathtub plumbing is in my closet. Not fun when ur brother messes up the pipes so the plumber is in ur room for hours fixing it :)10. I have two of my great grandmas painting hanging on my wall, they’re both of roses

(Blue: 9 facts about my family)1. Paternal side is almost 100% Dutch and there’s only ~200 people in the world with our last name. It also is a weird Dutch last name because it doesn’t start with a V2. I’m descended from John Alden, the only sailor who stayed behind with the pilgrims and also the one guy to fall overboard on the Mayflower3. My biological great grandfather was a shitty husband and a shittier father but apparently his marriage after my Mimi divorced him really helped him and he managed to stabilize his life4. One of my uncles is ukranian and descended from the woman who brought Christianity to Russia5. One of my ancestors is a character in Macbeth, the dude who has “of Scotland” at the end of his name (since he was also a real person)6. My aunt was in a car crash at 17 and had a year long coma and has lived with severe rain trauma ever since, she actually has a book about it too 7. Another aunt has six kids, three biological and three adopted; she and I will fight anyone who says adopted kids aren’t real family8. My dad and his sisters and brother have a bunch of awesome stories about growing up, my favorite is about the giant tractor their dad brought home that they used as both a trampoline and a pool9. My great uncle ran for congress and only lost by 1k votes, now he’s a lawyer and also runs a buffalo farm with his son

(Green: 8 facts about appearance)1. I’m like a perfect mesh of two of my aunts, I have ones body type and the others features2. My hair is the weirdest shit it’s light blonde from my dads side but curly from my moms and thin from ??? and wiry like my dads. Idk how hair can be curly thin and wiry all at once but my head sure does it3. It’s hard to see when I don’t have a tan but I have white birthmarks right by my eyes that are kinda similar to altean markings4. Once I didn’t wear sunscreen to soak city when I went with a friend and I got bright pink sunburn and once it healed my nose has been darker than the rest of my face5. When I was like 11 this science center close to us had a ripleys believe it or not exhibit and we went and this height predictor said I’d only grow to be 5'1" but today I’m 5'4" so suck it ripleys6. My eyes are green on the outside rim and hazel on the inside rim with tiny gold flecks throughout, and the super cool thing is that it’s literally my mom’s eyes and my dads eyes superimposed together7. I’ve always had super dark eyebrows, they’re extremely dark brown despite me having white blonde then light blonde hair8. I have super thick strong nails so it’s really easy to grow them out past a centimeter and people always point them out and say “how”

(Yellow: 7 facts about my childhood)1. I was able to pronounce words fairly easily however my cousin wasn’t. I looked up to her immensely and upon hearing her say a word wrong I would then start to say it that way too2. I hated getting in trouble in school I can count all the times I got disciplined… two time outs in kindergarten, and warning card in first grade, one warning card in second grade along with losing a teacher dollar, writing lines in fourth grade, a demerit in middle school3. The first word I ever spelt on my own was “hop” but it was completely by accident, I was writing down random letters for fun and it just so happened to spell hop in one spot. My mom bought me a picture book titled “Hop, Hop, Hop!” to celebrate4. When I was little my Mimi had an australian shepherd and every day when I’d get home from school she’d waggle her butt in happiness cause she didn’t have a tail5. Every summer until a couple years ago we’d go as a family to this kiln shop and paint a little statuette, it’s up in idyllwild where we go every summer for a camp we work at6. Said camp is practically my second home holy shit like if I wanna be super nostalgic about my childhood I’m gonna have to go with the two words “Camp Dunamis”7. When my brother was a toddler his favorite thing to do was grab my hair out in clumps. We still aren’t sure if that was a factor in how thin my hair is

(Orange: 6 facts about my home town)1. It’s named cypress because the first school planted cypress trees to shield from the wind2. My house is only a couple hundred yards from the county border so when we turn the corner we’re going from Orange County to LA3. There’s the best Mexican place right across the street that we used to go to all the time and we’re still lowkey friends with the family that owns and runs it4. We live in a homeowners association aka a gated community without a gate and this is why we avoid the crime rate cypress has5. Coyote Season™ aka “take the hiking stick so you can whack them on the nose if they go for the dog”6. The military base has a Fourth of July celebration we usually attend annually

(Red: 5 facts about my best friend)1. To start I’m gonna clarify that I’m gonna do one fact for five best friends; okay my friend emma is a Disney genius she’s forgotten more about Disney than you will ever know2. My friend daisy writes her own songs and they’re divine3. My friend kaleb is super into dnd and even made chain mail Armor for it… out of soda pop tabs4. My friend hannah is absolutely enamored by pigs and last time I checked her stuffed pig collection was over 305. My friend Melanie is fluent in German because she went to continuation school for a year there after she graduated

(Pink: 4 facts about my parents)1. They were set up by a mutual friend and literally met at our churches annual choir performance2. Mom is California born and raised while my dad grew up in both Puerto Rico and Michigan3. They both work at the same school so I’m a double staff kid4. *sighs* republicans

(White: 3 facts about my personality)1. I go from nice and sweet to absolute asshole in .01 seconds2. I am a stubborn mule, hear me bray3. I kinda just absorb certain personality traits from the people I’m close to so looking at my friend group gives a pretty good picture of my personality as well

(Grey: 2 facts about my favorite things)1. Voltron is really the first fandom I’ve /been/ in been in2. Drawing is hard and painful but you improve So Much when you join a fandom it’s ridiculous

(Black: 1 fact about the person I like)1. He’s absolutely amazing and I love him and I squeal into my pillow whenever I remember that we’re together 💚

#asks #beck tag #quabe tag #escamoso tag #about me #this was long beck I hope ur happy :///#long post //#parent mention //#ask to tag

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lukecmurray · 8 years ago

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2016 Review

Last year I spent several days (and well over a dozen hours) reviewing 2015. This is a drastic improvement from 2006, when I spent several months reviewing the previous year. But still, the process could be improved. So, I spent about a half-dozen hours going over my process (see my previous post for lessons learned from that) and am going to hopefully finish reviewing 2016 in just a couple of hours. This will be a beast of a post, but should only be a single post. Here’s the structure I’ll use.

Why am I doing this?

Already did this last year, will just revisit and revise it for this year.

What did i do?

The highlights of what happened in each month, plus how many total checkins I had that month and lessons learned.

Best and worst things that happened.

Will likely be pulled from the above list.

Habits analysis

How much progress did I make with each habit?

Is it still a good habit? (keep/toss/change?)

What are the biggest barriers to crushing it and ideas to overcome those barriers?

Themes analysis

Love

Unplug

Core values

How well did I live them?

Expected vs. Actual

What things did I want to get done, vs. what did I actually get done?

WHY AM I DOING THIS

Last year, I clarified the reasons I spend several hours (and even days) at the beginning of each year going over the previous year in nauseating detail:

Make new/different mistakes

Get more accurate w/goals vs. reality. Get my expectations closer to reality, without lowering my standards or ambitions.

Increase my ability to accomplish goals

To record things, so that I have a sense of having lived, of having “done things”, of having moved forward in my life.

I would still consider these to be accurate, but I would summarize the first three by saying this:

"I do these yearly reviews to tighten my 'wisdom feedback loop'."

I wrote about what the 'unlived life within us' means to me: Decreased clutter and increased clarity. This, I think, is the essence of what wisdom in action looks like. So if I'm a) always making new and mistakes instead of old ones b) shrinking the gap between my expectations/plans and my reality, while c) increasing the difficulty of tasks to which I aspire, then I'm increasing my velocity towards becoming my definition of 'wisdom in action'. Or, tightening the wisdom feedback loop.

I also want to add another reason for doing this: To help others accomplish the same things.

I don't mean that they will have the same goals, but if they have the same reasons, I can help them. I've done this process in increasingly less wrong ways every year since I was 18. And each 'less wrong' process makes me that much more valuable to people that are trying to do the same.

Also, I mean this in both a virtual and physical capacity. Nobody reads this blog, so I don't expect that I'll be able to help lots of folks virtually in January 2017, but perhaps months or years from now people may discover it and use it to improve their own process for self improvement. I'm sitting next to my good friend Mike (pictured above) and he interrupts me every few minutes to ask about how I do x, y, or z and my advice to him is always based in personal experience...based on a lot of wrong ways that I've done these reviews over the years. Hopefully I can help facilitate more of these in-person sessions and be valuable because of the work I've put in for the past 15 years.

WHAT DID I DO IN 2016?

tried to get into car flipping

got ATLS certified

almost got a job in Owenton ER

broke up a fight in the middle of the street

BL summit

failed to get an in-person personal assistant onboarded

lived in Vegas: iora, boosted board adventures, time w/cousin’s fam

INSIGHTS - this was one of my best months ever and i didn’t bring my cell phone to vegas at all and I stopped at 7pm sharp every day.

clinic, then chief on service

INSIGHTS

I wrote about being worried to hit a burnout wall after my great January month, and this is what I wrote in the second week of feb "I did hit that wall (screwed around for 2 hrs on thursday PM)...but then recovered and have done okay since, and in the grand scheme of things, that's AMAZING for me (only screwing around for 2 hrs)." That's how in the zone I was - I complained about 2 hrs.

i turned down a lot of things to stay in the zone - ski weekends, a wedding in Oregon

After one of my best weeks ever in the history of recording checkins: "Why?It wasn't trying harder. It was saying no, keeping my head clear, and getting up really early to knock out all the stuff that I'd usually put off until the end of the day. It feels like a miracle, like I'm a new person. It gives me an insane amount of confidence...So remarkable that the true answer to how to make such dramatic change is basically: do less, say no, cut out the BS...if you do that, all you should be left with is your own voice, and it's plenty wise enough."

chief on service, then clinic

called friends in the evening for awhile

Michelle got sick

Annabelle was born

AMSA speech: Med Students & Adversity

Fancy Nick engagement party #1

INSIGHTS - was getting up at 5am in feb, this got thrown off by a couple days worth of surprises and never recovered.

Derm rotation, became great friends with Dr. Tobin

last night with Nick as roomate

Nick bachelor party

Nick getting married

took FM boards

delivered baby

South Africa...which included

time in the hospital

going to mosque, buying Quran, time with Uncle

cape point sunset

getting lost on table mountain

run through newlands forrest

robben island/nelson mandela jail cell

rondebosch garden

hiked lionshead

bungee jumped world’s highest

ostrich farm

snowboarded (indoors)

met some cool girls & camped at storms river

INSIGHTS

last year i spent a month abroad and totally fell off the wagon...did incredible by comparison this time. learned from last time.

recording what i did each day really added significantly to the richness of that experience it, because i get to re-experience those memories

Geriatrics, then clinic

Meacham

double date with Dr. Tobin

passed boards

did graduation roast speech, and tried to get drunk

started working out consistently b/c elevated BF % s/p Africa

got UK job

Florida trip to negotiate with landlord

Dale Hollow houseboat trip with Amy’s family

moved into RV, LOTS of time working on it & hosting friends in it

Samuel helped work on the RV, became my friend

family trip down in GA

marriages: Emily Wehrley. Stu Brenner.

INSIGHTS

friends went on a surfing trip to charleston and i turned it down, hard to do, glad i did

“#1 HAVING A MORNING ROUTINE THAT KNOCKS OUT A BIG CHUNK OF THESE <habits> GUARANTEED....I'M JUST TOO ANXIOUS TO INVEST THIS TIME IN THE AM...BUT THAT'S WHAT I SAID IN MEDICAL SCHOOL THAT KEPT ME OUT OF THE GYM FOR YEARS. Wow, i really need to work on controlling anxiety/pressure in the moment.”

went low carb

worked on RV, RV expo

trip to Charleston b/c friend got sick, surfed

started my autobiography

scanned all family photo albums

visited all my old friends

GA visit b/c Melissa back from deployment

Pa visit x 1 wk

INSIGHTS

While in Charleston “it's REALLY hard to steer when you feel pulled all over the place by circumstances. but the consequences of ignoring those circumstances and plowing through are mostly illusory...i could only stop by <the hospital> for one hour 3 times per day and that would be PLENTY of visiting time. i could then spend the rest of the day working by myself”

While scanning photos “why do i feel behind? b/c I am compared to the schedule i made for myself at the beginning of the year. pretty silly to be operating off of a plan you made 6 months ago.”

time with family/grandparents in OR + coast...SUPER quality time

surfing in OR

writing autobio

Spout Springs visit

credentialing for job

pendelton roundup, deck with dad, Bethany visit

garrett NYC proposal trip + Adeel + Chris Salotta visit

INSIGHT

time with gparents was some of the best & most important things I did all year

best month of checkins in ever (4 yrs!!)...not sure why

freaked out about every friend i have getting married/engaged. changed my priority to emotionally fulfilling hangouts instead of caring about ‘romantic relationships’

installed solar panels

autoB progress

started talking/helping Aalap with SignalHealth - DC conference

Such family camping trip

started Curt book

first shift at UK as employee

surf trip to SC with Raney’s

job apps

moved into jenna’s

comedy club with dr tobin

long weekend with DP & friends

ehof - board meeting, event

accomplished my NY resolution!

G life transition meetings

job apps

started Murray Medical, LLC

hurt myself w/flag football

confirmed BIAB project/EHOF book

global entrep week

alejandra x 1 wk, visited everywhere + beaufort

such appreciation dinner

started work at KDMC

INSIGHT

after an 80 checkin week “best week i've ever had in my life. a LOT of it was about saying no to the camping trip this weekend. that was hard, but i'm proud of myself for doing it. also got to practice not feeling sorry for myself by wishing i was somewhere else.”

worked every day at KDMC

Freeda adventures/challenges

brought back 2 people from codes

ski trip with friends at PNS

INSIGHT

Working 34 days in a row was awesome because it created a routine that allowed me to consistently do lots of things (besides work) and improve at a much faster pace in my medical skills & knowledge.

BEST AND WORST OF 2016

BEST

finishing residency & passing boards

not getting a job - was scary, but this provided me the freedom to do lots of other 'life list' important things

having one metric that mattered and tracking that only - doubled down on using coach.me and accomplished my NY resolution for the first time in my life

also...

gave med student adversity speech

Annabelle was born

nick marriage/end of a great roomate run

south africa month

RV - doing what i said

quality time - vegas, grandparents, parents, friends, surfing

WORST

I didn't grow in my romantic relationships as much as i did in 2015 - In 2015 i grew a lot by having the goal to be "terrifyingly honest" in relationships. I didn't push myself to that standard this year and stagnated as a result.

also...

things took longer than I thought - but that was good lesson to learn because it forced me to accept and live by realistic timelines, and because i didn't have a job I could follow all the way through on my plans

RV was more work than expected (example of above) - i first was glad that i spent time getting to know the RV and how to fix things, but i got to the point where i don't care to 'learn' more, i'd rather spend that time being a doctor and use the money made to pay a professional.

i got broke - i coasted on credit cards in the interim between residency and starting a job and got pretty close to 100% broke - but this was also a lesson that was important. things cost more money than you expect and if they are really priorities, then you've got to pay the price, in both time and money.

HABITS ANALYSIS

In my recent post “My Goals for 2017″ I said:

“Last year my goal was to check in to more daily habits on coach.me. And I crushed it. And it had the ripple effect of me crushing a bunch of other areas of my life...when using the 'total number of checkins metric’ I improved 107% since last year and 60% over my best year ever (2013).”

This was the only metric that I tracked week over week. And because of that, for the first time ever, I consistently did week reviews where I knew how far ahead or behind I was from my overall goal (eg on July 1, I should have 1,000 checkins for the year, if I had 1,100 at that point, I would note that I was 10% ahead of schedule). Making this the only metric that I tracked had a positive affect on lots of the parts of my life - most obviously, on each of the areas the specific habit addressed.

So, now I’m going to take each goal and ask:

How much progress did I make?

Is it still a good habit? (keep/toss/change?)

What are the biggest barriers to crushing it and ideas to overcome those barriers?

progress vs 2015: 272 checkins vs 117 checkins. 132% improvement.

I didn't feel like i was growing in this in 2015. I was doing it but didn't feel more calm/mindful throughout the day, which is the whole point. Late this year I downloaded several meditation apps and HeadSpace stood out as far and away the best one. I've spent at least $100 total at this point and I really am growing in this super important area. I catch myself (the most important part) getting anxious, frustrated, distracted, etc. and then use the techniques I've learned from this app to get back to calm. Probably the best money I spent all year in terms of its return on my health.

keep/toss/change: definitely keep, continue progress with headspace app

barriers: just making the time, but i'm at a point where i like this enough that it doesn't take discipline. sometimes i do it when i'm tired and don't get much out of it. On those days I should consider doing it twice - the second time when I'm not exhausted.

progress vs 2015: 233 checkins vs 111 checkins. 110% improvement

In 2015 wrote about wanting to feel clear-headed after walking away from a session of reviewing goals & 'visioncasting' and i didn't have a good process for it at the time. Surprising to see that this was still an issue as of the end of 2016. i came up with a system just a couple days ago that will hopefully help with this and i think the reason this will work is because of my improved mental condition/focusing of the mind that came from meditating. Glad to see how long this problem has existed. Should motivate me to solve it this year.

keep/toss/change: keep it as a goal, but changed it as noted above to have some structure

barriers: lack of clarity - which I have now

progress vs 2015: 138 checkins vs 77 checkins. 78% improvement

Posted 60+ things this year, (< 30 last year), did much better, big realization is that this was streaky. Another great example of being able to keep consistent tabs on something because you kept all your data collection in one place (I kept track of all my writing progress on coach.me, including using the notes section to keep track of when I posted stuff).

keep/toss/change: I would like to actually start sharing my content somehow. This probably means fiddling with marketing, setting some goals about viewership, but I feel like this might do two negative things: 1. scare me off from writing and 2. change what/how I write. So will probably at least track viewership or something.

barriers: none for posting on this blog. Barriers to working on larger projects (book, etc.) are the same that used to (and sometimes still do) keep me from publishing on this blog. Namely: fear. I think the answer for that is writing with friends. Going to try to schedule writing hangouts, even if only brief ones.

progress vs 2015: 210 checkins vs 80 checkins. 163 % improvement

Goal last year was 200, actual was 80. this year i didn't have a goal but hit 210. Hell. Yes! Big realization here was starting with one small thing at a time. I went on a streak from august where I added one new thing to my physical health regimen each month, and kept it going consistently until late november, when I got injured playing football, then had a friend visit from out of town for a week, then went on a 34-day straight work assignment away from home. I took January off (though I still had 4 checkins that month + 8 days of skiing, vs my monthly average of 6.7 in 2015) and have been on track 100% thus far this month.

keep/toss/change: change to one small thing I'm doing that month to improve my health. Keep track of it in the notes of exercise.

barriers: injury (don't play football!). Simplicity/low bar - adding one small thing per month put me on course to have the best 4 months of physical health progress in years...maybe ever.

progress vs 2015: 153 checkins vs 56 checkins. 173% improvement.

This is a keystone habit. If I do this then everything else goes better. I realized this last year and wrote about how important it was. This year I had the second highest amount of improvement of all my habits (except for eat the frog, which was 193% improvement). I’m super proud of myself for making such amazing progress on this...but it still is the 9th most checked into habit out of 12. As one of the most important habits it should be one of the most checked into.

keep/toss/change: keep - and double down on it! again!

barriers: Make sure to identify it when planning the day and checking it off when you do it, even if it’s not a specific action (e.g. if you stayed calm all day).

progress vs 2015: 51 checkins vs 82 checkins. -38 % decrease

I don't have this anymore....but the bigger lesson here is 'what's the thing that causes the background static/stress in your life and what's your process for getting rid of it or ignoring it?'

keep/toss/change: already tossed it, but getting out of my email inbox is my #1 goal for Q1 of 2017 and I'm well on my way. Also, to get rid of the static - my visioncasting format really is helpful in clearing my head to do this.

barriers: I'm addicted to my email inbox. Need to CREATE barriers (and an alternative outlet) to keep me out of it.

progress vs 2015: 113 checkins vs 83 checkins. 36% improvement

i crushed the boards, studying 37 days before taking it (about 83 times the year before total). Totally didn’t deserve that. So no clue what happened there. Then i got a bit lost on what 'studying' made sense. i started with reading a book summary every day, which felt like i was accomplishing something, but none of the content really stuck, even when i reviewed my highlights on the weekends. then changed to tax books, which was awesome bc i wanted to learn that stuff. i still need to nail down what this means and then pick a bite-sized way to chip at it. I also expect this to change often. I kept track of actual studying vs expected for awhile, which was motivational, as was just hearing that another resident friend of mine was working her ass off. Just hearing her say that she studied 2 hrs per day in addition to her residency duties lit a fire under me.

keep/toss/change: change continually, should be part of planning my day

barriers: lack of clarity on what this means, get rid of it by deciding what it means when i plan my day

progress vs 2015: 348 checkins vs 183 checkins. 90% improvement

Went OFF on this. not sure why other than that it's something you can get away with skipping a day here and there and still check in later. also stopped rating the days - not sure why i did this, other than i couldn't put a number when i tried to think of it. hopefully this is a reflection of an improved attitude and a better acceptance of my life, along with less judgement, which I wrote about on my birthday.

keep/toss/change: keep, might revitalize the 'today' project, because when I read through my summaries of each day they spark certain memories...but a photo does that so much better.

barriers: none...but might be if I start expecting myself to take a picture.

progress vs 2015: 252 checkins vs 145 checkins. 74% improvement

i've ended up doing this during my 'think about goals' time, which is not when it's supposed to happen. but everything i wrote about this goal last year, applies to this year

“I’m afraid to do this sometimes, especially if i’m not in bed on time & am tired….because i have to come to terms with all the things i will not get to do tomorrow. But then i end up just feeling sad and like “damn, tomorrow’s going to really suck because i won’t be able to get everything done that i want, and i’m bummed that i didn’t get what i wanted to get done today, too.” Wow, writing that. What a crummy/unintelligent strategy for ending your day. I HAVE to stop with energy/motivation in the tank so I’ll have the willpower left to accept what has happened that day & decide what i’m going to do the next day…because when I do do this, it really does feel mentally freeing & motivating for getting up in the morning…i literally don’t want to wake up in the morning when I haven’t done this because I just have this ball of vague stress to great me that I feel: “Well, not sure what all this stuff is that i need to do but i know that i’m not going to be able to get as much of it done as i want to and even what i decide to work on i probably won’t get finished which is going to give me a feeling of being even more 'behind’…so yeah - not pumped about this day”. What a terrible cycle of not-awesome! Glad I articulated the concept of paying the opportunity cost of planning up front.”

This even happened during my 6 months off, or on days i was truly supposed to be 'on vacation'. the idea of 'i don't want to wake up tomorrow'. That was a big surprise because i thought it was because of my job. It turns out it was totally because of my attitude - which was affected by my expectations (pay opportunity cost up front) and my energy. I need to manage both of those.

keep/toss/change: keep, but try not to do it until AFTER you've meditated and taken a high level view of your life (visioncasting/reviewing goals) so that you have the right mindset when planning the day.

barriers: my attitude at the end of the day. not wanting to wake up, addressed above.

progress vs 2015: 126 checkins vs 43 checkins. 193% improvement

This was one of the top two most important things on my list to improve from last year...and I did it! This was the most improvement of any of my goals. However, I still have lots of room to get better at this, as it was only the 9th most checked into goal I had.

keep/toss/change: keep. duh.

barriers: just having the courage to identify it when planning the day, and then checking it off at the end of the day.

progress vs 2015: 45 checkins vs 18 checkins. 150% improvement

These were too long and I didn’t have a central place to put them. I changed it and put EVERYTHING in my notes instead of on a spreadsheet or somewhere else and that 100% solved the problem. It kept me keeping track of my progress throughout the year. This little checkin session helped recalibrate me and actually fed my feedback loop.

keep/toss/change: change to track my 4 goals for the year.

barriers: none. just keep the time expectation down at 10min.

progress vs 2015: 130 checkins vs 68 checkins. 91% improvement

This is a goal that sneaks up on you because the problem is pretty much never solved (my back hurts every day and every night). In retrospect I had an amazing year with it. I was able to sleep on my back for a couple nights in South Africa, was able to stand for significant amounts of time without significant pain, and even let myself be active (i.e. sprinting) to push the boundaries of what’s possible for my back.

keep/toss/change: change by continuing to try new methods and seeing what works

barriers: this is all about minimal time commitment (5-10 min) and building from there, because some of the stretches feel SO GOOD that once I do a few of them I get more into it.

THEMES ANALYSIS

Love

I didn't set the standard of being “terrifyingling honest” so I didn’t get out of (or into situations) fast enough, or at all.

I also had a breakdown when a bunch of friends got married on the same weekend (felt like I was ‘alone’ or doing something wrong) & redefined what this meant. Ultimately, I’m not worried or ‘empty’ because I’m missing out on physical intimacy, what I’m missing is emotional connection, or interactions that fill my emotional tank. So now that’s what I’m doing - focusing on those kinds of interactions, and turning down ones that are anything less than 8/10 in this respect.

Also, part of this is giving/being selfless and it motivated my goal for this year.

Unplug

I spent time at the cabin and other time just alone, and it was good. Read Deep Work twice. Probably could have said 'no' a little bit more often, especially near the end of the year. Am realizing more and more that this is the ‘answer’ in so many ways.

CORE VALUES

This is the third year I’ve tried to systematically focus on one core value per week. I didn't do this consistently. I want to give up on it...but so did Ben Franklin. I now have it in my daily visioncasting so I think I'm okay with that.

EXPECTED VS ACTUAL

At the beginning of the year I listed out what I wanted to happen week to week all year long. It stressed me out once I fell behind this, and I wanted to somehow keep an updated sense of how many iterations happened and what changes were made. I quickly found that keeping track of the iterations was a huge hassle. So this year I’m just trying to book out my calendar really far in advance and chunk it at a high level (i.e. this week I had off and just blocked off “finances/admin” for the week).

I’ll publish my ‘takeaways’ from this review, as well as things to do differently in 2017 in a later post.

First Draft: 1/21/17

Published: 3/21/17

Time: 20+ hrs

Image Credit: me, and my buddy Mike Leek

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innisffree-blog · 8 years ago

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2016

beginning: 2016 is shiny and new tommy and special k and liam--we drink tea and cuddle sem2 begins, ugh I dislike physics i dislike class idislike work (sorting leaves, grinding dirt) BUT there is late night penguin sliding in the arb, loitering about town, Sammy slamma jamma I grow closer to the mounge people we are so annoying and terrible as a group (sd io kds sm nm sp sb pl. nb. ss jp ck. ns sd sk sh ab. etc etc) but I like being a part of this and being emancipated from the cove, an increasingly toxic place Lovely lovely people but I think glory hates me and this is an internal barrier i hate physics i dislike class i hate work (I’m not getting paid for this shit wtf) but i keep going bc “It’s all about the experience.” -Sujay Sarah + wilbur, I do not like wilbur for many reasons. i start to feel weird about sarah, my sister figure. she didn’t even tell me. glory definitely hates me, no one wants to own up to it barrier grows: • the fucking tshirts • the special fucking breakfast club • the fucking group message barrier grows, I shrink. trying to claw my way out. took a risk, made a mistake (to be cont.)  soc anx creeps back in at increasing pace I am failing physics. v day song with Nathan is a seemingly insignificant bright point dark point=all the hours I spent sorting dirt in the lab and the horror and embarrassment that is being a lowly freshman in research time goes on soccer I want to be friends with grace and Hannah etc!! Talk with grace and jon before we all move out and they were like duh we felt the same about you and this makes me disappointed and pleased at the same time, there is hope for next year w these cool people (I’ve regressed to having friend crushes) passed physics, passed everything, survived the anxiety attacks, goodbye for now umich, lessons learned jeez sem2=done, year1=done bordines! I like it there, watering flowers and rescuing snails for money. FL Cameron hates me fr now. Still don’t know why. Picnic w Mack to get back in the groove of clarkston life, she has changed a bit ROCK CAMP ROCK CAMP ROCK CAMP  (june 10 - july 10) I meet ~22 strangers in an Ann Arbor ally and we depart for Wyoming. After 3 days of driving, we arrive as a family. I love it already, minus the altitudesickness. we laugh a lot and have a good time in the mountains. i like these people a lot but especially Brady and jack b and ***MERYN WHIMSY CAMPBELL*** she is a jewel, she is a ray of sunshine, she is a princess in overalls. why did I try to reject her at first? she is so generous with her love that I couldn’t keep her out. I learned the biggest lesson of 2016 from her and she doesn’t even know it. climb a giant loaf of bread in the middle of the night to see the moonrise, barefoot & blind & by myself, a “risky bitch” -Loafie Sutz I see my shadow miles away in the sunrise on that spire thing 3 weeks in: kinda blow up and leave, walk into the wilderness by myself (bad) and swim to an island where I climb a big boulder and make new friends. I calm down. The Grand Nips are the most beautiful place I have ever spent a month, but I never want to see another minivan in my life. I (Pepino) feel at home outside. Caterpillar fights, bfast burritos, stars. Don’t want to leave. back to Michigan to rot. Try to go to mopop with Alaina but sell my ticket to sean during unnecessary study visit to A2 for the class I eventually drop out of. Sushi with sarah (sarah - Wilbur = i’m so happy abt this event that breaks her heart, I am a selfish friend) Calc ii eats me alive, I give up. More rotting. pentwater w fam, Meryn shows up. golf ball incident: I let myself blow up at dad, but Lauren is there and Alan is there and I come back feeling stronger. more rotting in clarkston. sem3! year2! I’m a mentor! so good to see everyone, I begin to appreciate Nicco a lot, become good friends with kastriot (another jewel) and others (matt and jon, etc), trash candy in nicco’s room and HOLY SHIT I love Alex so much, she is another sister figure. It's foreign to have friends who are girls. so excited abt life in mrc, living with Sarah is good and bad. happy. CONFIRMED(co Nicco): glory hates me EXPLANATION: im too friendly(?????) stumble upon ivy and shouri and keilah and I learn more abt this, they hate glory now, I fucking won the battle w my patience and kindness lolol (I hope she's moved on, I feel neutral about her)(drama is foreign to me) get rejected from EH Things are good, hanging out w old crew and rock camp ppl and the boy who i Like and needs to stop acting as though he Likes me too, v misleading sean’s bday @ the trap house / wolf shirts Housing 2017 is a mess, I am a mess :’| this issue is the tip o' the yikesburg FALL BREAK oct 15 -going up to backpack at pictured rocks with camp ppl, but I realized that I don’t rlly fit w them and also they are s l o w so I split and hike alone for 13 miles in one day, oct 16 ****this is the best day of my life**** screaming and yelling out to Lake Superior in pure joy almost falling off the cliff, seeing aaron on the trail, passing the starburst men, getting lost in a soggy forest after dark (kept my cool), getting picked up by Alan: muddy, bleeding, sweaty, thirsty, wielding a knife (Pepino the Risky Bitch™ is back) high on the sublime beauty of oct 16, 2016 oct 17 - study day, drive around Marquette with my boy tommy, climb around on an abandoned aqueduct, talk about life/love. I am so grateful for this brother of mine. oct 18- south! Pasties are gross oct 19 - bad stats test (50%) (how am I this dumb?) (everything is bad again) (this is the beginning of the descent) I stop going to class bc I can’t get out of bed. I haven’t seen my friends in forever. I don’t have friends anymore. I am trapped in my room/head. I want to die. Dropping orgo Failing stats Dropping/failing friends I want this to end. I want to jump out the window of 479 jo and fall like that raven off the cliffs. I want to pull a Chris McCandless, but I don’t have a car. Alex makes everything better by not telling me that everything is going to get better. she’s been there, she’s failed. I love having her around. Bond with tim and eduardo (woops) and alec and jiten at Chris’s house, but sober erin remembers the barriers I’ve lived on this earth for two whole decades!!(Failed a test on the same day) sad bday churros w Lauren, spent the night on the floor at her place. Meryn brought me oranges and a book about glaciers <33 seds is taking up too much of my time but it’s kinda nice. stubborn boy named haydar tries to bring me pad thai and I say no but we become pen pals anyway, now he knows too much. a good character in my life. Nicco takes an absolute SHIT on me - with one statement he discredits all the friendships I thought I had at umich. It isnt a big deal to him, it’s in the past, but it isn’t for me. barrier is complete. The ghost of glory lives on. Same day- Lauren storms out (why doesn’t she want equality??? I thought she had changed) and Kastriot picks up the pieces Time goes on, erin fails stats sem3=done, but a waste of time/resources. I hate myself. Clarkston grandma is drunk and sad Alan is there with Lauren I am kind of there pickling eggs w Mack– I still love her but man oh man she has changed Royal w tommy and nick new years at konrad’s abandoned ghost house, liam dangles me over possibly the last of the giant ass bonfires, graffiti in the barn loft. learned some stuff about konrad, but he is truly a starfish among urchins. Faith in friendship is restored by him and others and myself. I think I’ll stop hating myself now. 2017 will be shiny and new end

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papermoth-bird-blog · 6 years ago

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The sunsets in Sedona & sunrises of California

My last few days in Sedona felt like heaven, but I felt myself being pulled towards the landscapes of California. It was like I was being presented with a question- Stay with the feeling of peace & sanctuary, or navigated the ups & downs of the outside world. As soon as I asked the question, I knew the right thing to do was to leave. I booked a train ticket early in the morning & told swamiji I would be leaving the day after tomorrow. Just as I did, I reached out to my Uncle Eric, who lives in Venice Beach. My cousin Mia surprised him by showing up that very day, and so, it aligned perfectly for me to surprise her. (because, of course it did).

The days of heaven at the ashram looked like peaceful adventure. I lay in the grass looking up at the bald eagle that would swoop down in the trees on the back on the property. I helped paint the temple with bright yellow (that reminded me so much of painting my dad’s stages as a kid... which were the exact same yellow colour). We crowned the temple while singing songs as a group.

We were able to spend the day going for a few different hikes through the red rocks. Rukmini and I went off the trail near the Cochina to find the cave she used to sleep in when she was younger. The cave was nestled between two huge rock formations. It had an amazing view of the whole vista- the reds of the earth, the bright blue sky and all the greens in between. The walls of the cave had pocks in in- that looked like letter slots. She told me that people used to write prayers on pieces of paper and tuck them inside the slots with an offering to the rocks. We didn’t have paper, but we left the heart shaped rocks we had found earlier with a prayer & our love. We helped some other women climb up the steep rocks gracefully & called out into the valley below. It’s funny how freeing it can feel to feel small in a large landscape. It’s as if you can viscerally look at the larger picture. We aimed too to climb doe mountain, but Swamiji’s body was not up for the steep climb, so we turned around halfway & instead walked along the winding Aerie Trail. At the end of the path, we caught the sun slowly sink down behind the distant mountains. While we sat on some large rocks there, Rukmini told me of one of the times she ran away from the world. She packed her car full of food and camping gear- left it in the desert & walked off with her belongings. She lasted a long while too- weeks if not months. Just her under the sky, amongst the desert plants. She knows a lot about the medicines of the land. I hope I have an opportunity in the future to learn more from her- I know she has so much to teach & I hope the universe provides her with eager & attentive students. She deserves that so much. Wendyana brought us bundles of Juniper berries she picked. We watched the sky turn to stars as we ate the sweet little fruits. Then packed up the car & headed back into Sedona to eat at Chocolate tree.

As I fell asleep, I was so aware of the landscape & sat vigil to it. The owls, coo’ed so loudly, they must have been in the tree right outside of the window. I was beautiful. When I woke, I tried my best to keep up with the regular ashram shcedule & helping Rukmini, but I was running around preparing to say goodbye too (not to mention packing). I Said goodbye to the bees, gathering the sleepy ones with a spoonful of sugar water.

Rukmini and I said goodbye in the kitchen over a few hours- it looked a lot like making lists. Writing down all the proper procedures for all the different household chores, to make it easier for future staff or guest orientation going forward. I handed her a postcard that I had made for her too- that was a picture of her in the sunset laying on a rock. On the back I wrote “Rukmini Rose, dances with the sky & tells me of all the desert medicines she had made friends with in this life/ and all the times she ran away/ and all the times she ran towards herself.” She ran to her room & came back with a couple of postcards for me- One with a Jackalope (from Utah, her home state) that she wrote something like “May the Jackalopes sing you sweet lullabyes! Rohini, my sister wife, world grandma ma! Take care of us babies like you always do! Thank you so much. I’m glad we are together.” The other was a lightning scene over the desert- with cacti , etc. That she left blank. We hugged a long while & said goodbye a few more times as I ran around doing final checks. Dharmajun went into Pheonix to visit his sister, so we didn’t get to say goodbye. As I got into the car, I called to Rukmini to “tell the old tree we know to say goodbye & give him my email address.”

Swamiji drove me into town. We wove through the canyon roads, looking at the flooded rivers & waterfalls pouring down from the rocks. We spoke only of wisdoms of life & then sat in silence- which felt good. He said I would probably benefit from a weekly, routine practice of Mouna. Which I know will be true. My brain has a lot of chatter trying to keep up with all the lovely people in my world- and the silence helps return me to stillness, so I can speak from peace & love without becoming overwhelmed. I contemplated the new routines I would bring into my life- Breath practices, asana practices & mindfulness- not because I feel any obligation to. Simply because I realized how much joy & balance they give me. It’s been truly beautiful to learn it all properly- in a way that sinks down deep. And furthermore, concretes the path I was already travelling on.

As we pulled into Flagstaff, I said my goodbyes to Swami. He said I was more then welcomed back at any point I wished- just as a guest, or as staff. I feel I will definitely return. Arizona is wild & vigorous, and peaceful and calm all at once. I feel a huge connection with the land & the people here. I had a few hours to myself, so I checked my big bag at the train station & walked around. Flagstaff is small, and so, most of the stores were closing as I walked. It definitely has a cool vibe about it- a surprising amount of young people & a palatable local art scene. Like Sedona, there are also plenty of stores that sell crystals & new-agey type stuff. I found a cute-college-vibe pizza place to grab something to eat- which by happy co-incidence, had my favourite slice on special. Artichoke heart, parm, fresh basil & sun-dried tomatoes. It was ideal. The people that worked there were all young, tattooed skater-types. I tried not to linger that long, but I quickly became very comfortable eating the slices of pizza & drawing funny creatures in my sketchbook. Around 8 I wandered back to the train station & made a nice butt groove there- again reading & drawing & sitting my thoughts. My train was originally scheduled for 9:30, but after several delays, finally arrived at 11pm. (That wasn’t the only train trouble--- they also over-charged me multiple times on my visa--- which I am still working on getting a refund for).

As I got on the train, there was a young girl in my seat- a senior in high school that was visiting her sister’s sorority this weekend for a formal. I let her know that she was in my seat, but she told me there was something on hers & so she couldn’t sit there. I looked around the train and there was no other seat available. So rather than fight her, I sat in the seat she refused. All out of love for her. It meant that I was sitting in train 0003, car three, seat 3 on the 3rd day of March (the third month!)--- so must have been a reallllly good sign. I think the little boy in front of us might have peed on it? I don’t know. I lay down a few magazines & a blanket and it was fine. She was feeling a little chatty, but it was the overnight train & so most people were trying to sleep. She told me I’d really like Venice Beach & asked me how old I was. I think she thought I was her age, until she realized I was an adult, despite my baby face. She told me of all her plans to go to community college, then university & then join the navy & see the world that way- but for now, she was in Ontario, California, living with her mother. Eventually, we both fell asleep... me first I think.

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California

When I woke up, the sun began to peek in through the curtains, we were just leaving the desert of Joshua tree national park & I did get to see, albeit briefly, some of those special/weirdo trees. I plan on coming back through that park for longer when I come back through California with my sisters in the next few years (which Petra & I made plans for on the train). I tried my best to keep still & listen to the world around me. There was a nun a few rows a head of me, and in between was a famil that were yelling at eachother, shoes all over the floor. It was a funny moment of human existence. The landscape flickered by- mountain scapes, dunescapes, decorated with the most vivid colours. The hills were covered in flowers- yellow, orange & purple. The houses all with that spanish-style terracotta roofing.

The LA train station is a brilliantly beautiful art-deco style building. It occurred to me, while I walked through it, that I had once written an architecture paper on it. The ceilings are high like a church, the seats low and leathery. The tiling was all done in jewel tones of the era & done in oriental-referenced geometric patterns. Another traveller dropped their bag by the grand piano & played Debussy’s ‘Claire de Lune’ I leaned on the poll & closed my eyes to listen for a long while. I’ve always loved that song, it’s gentle & beautiful. When I was ready, I texted Gopala that I had arrived. He pulled up outside the station & I through my bags in the back of the car dancing through traffic, then runnning around the front & sticking my hand through the window to jingle the passenger-side door open. I hopped in & was flooded back with memories of the Ashram that felt like so long ago in many ways, expect time itself. The inside of Gopala’s car is basically a shrine, with pictures of Gurus & Krishna, as well as prayer flags & sticker with uplifting quotes on it. Gopala told me all about the Sivanada centre there & I think he wanted me to stay there with him, but I reminded him that I have family here, that I was eager to spend lots of time with. That night was Shivaratri- The celebration of the high god Shiva. There was meant to be dancing, and singing & puja’s all night long. He advised me to sleep while I could- but all I knew for sure at that moment was that I was happy to be in LA & keen to see Mia.

The centre, as it turns out is quite close to Eric’s place on Catamaran street. We drove around looking for food, until my uncle Eric called me back, which he did, before we actually managed to find a place to eat. I tried my best not to fling the door open and crash-run into Mia, who turned out to be in the shower. Tom, Mia’s ex-boyfriend was sitting at the kitchen table with Caroline, Eric’s finace (who are both Australian). I basically rushed into the bathroom anyways & Mia and I rushed into a conversation. She did look surprised, but probably because she didn’t expect me to rush into the bathroom like that (which isn’t actually that unusual in our family actually). We all got ready & went out for lunch- which was, surprise surprise, Mexican food. Eric showed up there to join us & asked me if Mia looked surprised. Turned out, when I was on the phone with him earlier, Mia decided to snoop on his phone & so knew I was coming-- and just wanted the practice her acting skills. Which makes me laugh even now. She really did have me convinced I had surprised her. After lunch, we walked down to the beach- which is stunning, even considering it’s very much in the city. There were surfer’s in the water in full-winter suits. Mia & Tom had tried to go surfing earlier that day-- but it was too cold they claimed. It’s probably because I am used to the frigid Atlantic (not to mention multiple polar bear swims), but I rushed into the water & waded as deep I could manage without getting my shorts wet. It was so nice to meet that Ocean- the one that for so long, felt so far away & was suddenly at my feet.

MIa & I went back to the house to change our foot wear to prepare for a local hike in Runyon Canyon- which is a pretty popular spot for nature seekers within the contex of LA. We met up with Tom at the car rental place and were silly in the lobby of the fancy hotel in Mariana Del Rey The drive through the city had me captivated. There were SO many Tesla’s on the road there, and plenty more fancy, pantsy cars. We drove through Beverly Hills, and I gawked at all the fancy houses there & wondered who in the world could possibly live there. The entrance to the trail is in Hollywood, and so we drove through those busy streets as well- Sunset, Hollywood Blvd. The climb was steep & filled with fancy people in their fancy work out gear, but also regular looking people. It was actually surprisingly challenging at times, and I was so awed by some of the older ladys that managed those near, vertical inclines. One in particular seemed like an old pro- Pointing into the sprawling skyline “look, there’s capital records, there is *such and such* hotel, there is where I first worked when I first got to the city*. Mia & Tom & I stopped a few times to take pictures, which I haven’t been super great at doing. It felt nice to indulge for a little while. Especially for the sake of Mia & I having a picture together.

We got some groceries & returned to the house, kinda exhausted. Gopala had called me while I was out & hadn’t noticed.. because my phone is so full, it hardly register’s any notifications anymore. Gopala was still extremely keen for me to go to the ceremony, but I was already falling asleep & it was like 7pm... there was no way I was going to last that long comfortably, so I called him to say I wasn’t going to go & that I hoped he understood. I fell asleep on Mia’s bed with a belly full of fresh pasta & garlic bread & avocado toast. James & I also tried to catch after severally rounds of phone tag, until I passed out cold & somehow managed to crawl over to the couch.

I woke up yoga-time (extremely early) and sat and watched the sunrise from the terrace at the back of the apartment. I waited a slightly more reasonable amount of time before going to wake Mia- cause she said she’d wanted to join me in Yoga on the beach in the morning. Tom & I were both feeling more morning-y, Mia a little less so. We walked to the beach barefooted with towels to stretch out on. We watched the early morning surfer’s as I coached them through the breathing exercises. I let up a little, because I sensed they weren’t as into it as I was, so I continued my practice as they did their morning thing. That is-- until a sudden huge wave came up and soak us all- phones, shoes, towels and all. We decided to turn back to the house with our heavy clothing.

And now here I sit, in the living room of the apartment, writing this-- trying to sort out my banking stuff & figure out a way to clear up some space on my cellphone. We’ve got dreams of going to chinatown & Hollywood, and maybe a few thrift stores while we are here. But for now, we chillin’. Gopala wants to meet up today, and I might have a few friends that happen to be in this neck of the woods too-- who knows!

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