#I love big ol’ fluffy hens so much

[a-literate-chicken]

May I humbly request a salmon faverolle? I had one named Santa as a kid, she was such a good girl

Oh my gosh they’re so fluffy!

[gunslinginnhogtyin]

Anna and Butch for the kid meme 👀

If they had a kid… // @dragonskxn

• Name: Soleil

• Gender: Female

• General appearance: has Butch’s hair color but Annalise’s big ol fluffy hair as well as her dragon horns. She’s pretty small, taking after the both of them in that regard and as a baby dragon skin, has a bunch of blue feather peach fuzz all over her! She’s often seen wearing overalls or animal themed outfits (cow print is one of her favorites) and hats such as her pig hat and her frog hat. Annalise often puts her hair up in pig-tails.

• Personality: Soleil isn’t the brightest but she’s always well intentioned. She’s very outgoing and explorative, and she absolutely ADORES life on the farm as animals bring her great joy. She also seems naturally gifted in getting along with just about any animal she comes upon, including wild and feral animals. She’s loves the outdoors and horseback riding as well as baking and cooking with her parents. She’s still growing in those dragon teeth so she’s always chewing on something, usually a bone of some sort she’s brought along with her. She’s always eager to jump into a new adventure as well as explore, and she’s never afraid to get dirty or scrape a knee in the process.

• Special talents: as a dragonskin, she has the ability to shapeshift into her dragon form as well as breathe fire, though she’s still growing into her wings and getting the hang of it all. She also has incredible strength which can sometimes cause problems as she’s not completely aware of how strong she truly is. Though her dragon-like qualities are prominent, her demonic qualities are more so dormant at the moment, all except for her tail (and her wings in her dragon form when she’s able to fully shapeshift) which share a resemblance to Butch’s in his demon form.

• Who they like better: Honestly? I want to pick a favorite but I feel like she would absolutely adore and look up to both of them. There’s so much that Annalise and Butch enjoy doing both together and separately, so I’m confident she will be spending more than enough time with both of them doing fun things like taking care of the farm animals, knitting, horseback riding, shooting, and hunting to name a few! also, she’s pretty well behaved so neither parent needs to do much scolding… in fact, I feel like Butch and Annalise would both have little moments where they let her stay up a little later than they should or they give her extra sweets after dinner, just cause she’s so darn adorable.

• Who they take after more: definitely Annalise, though she did inherit Butch’s single brain cell. Soleil is so pure hearted and kind; I feel as though she might even have trouble hunting animals at some point, feeling bad for hurting them. She’s definitely naive to a fault, especially when she’s young, but she’s always well intentioned and fair.

• Personal headcanon(s): once as a baby, Soleil got into the hen house and ate a whole batch of eggs all at once; she didn’t hold it down for long (RIP one of Anna’s favorite sundresses). She treats Smudge like a big brother, following him around on all fours and all. She takes after Butch in terms of taste, and will eat literally anything no matter how bitter or plain. Butch and Annalise sing songs to her before bedtime using his guitar. Puts her right to sleep everytime!

[zevlors-tail]

i need more poly shindeku :(

I do too! Which is why I'm coming at you with random headcanons for my ultimate comfort ship minus my platonic self ship with Shinsou. Needed a break, and poly is just easy for me to think about for some reason sooo. Enjoy!

More Poly ShinDeku Headcanons

-These fuckers the type of little shits to visit the seasonal/holiday section at stores and completely GOOF OFF.

-It starts innocently enough. You ask if the three of you can peruse the seasonal isle to look at decorations for your apartment. You want it to feel nice and homey, you know? Sometimes it gets lonely with Deku gone all day and Shinsou working thirds most of the time.

-Izuku will pick out anything All Might themed, Shinsou goes for the weirdest decor he can find, and you're the only one actually trying to coordinate (well, okay, Izuku is trying, at least give him credit).

-But it all goes to hell in a hand-basket when Shinsou starts messing with the decor. If it's Halloween, that fool is trying to scare you with a weird looking pumpkin or a skeleton or ghost or some shit. Christmas? You get bopped on the head multiple times with a plastic candy cane. Summer? Prepare for battle, because once Shinsou grabs one of those toy swords, it’s OVER.

-And if you’re not the one battling him, you immediately become a hostage to one of the boys while they toss around their fake swords and duke it out over you. Hero complex, anyone?

-The three of you are just laughing and having a good ol’ time in the middle of the isle when a member of management is like “Excuse me, can I help you?”

-All of you freeze mid whatever it was you were doing. Shinsou’s mouth is half open in a laugh, Deku looks terrified, and you’re just staring in embarrassment. Shinsou comes up with some lie for the three of you and if that doesn’t work, well then you better run! Imagine the headline you’re gonna see on the news tomorrow; Heroes Deku, Mind Jack, and H/N Banned From Local Convenience Store. Hope you have a good PR manager!

-Both boys love turning ordinary dates into extraordinary ones. They know how to appreciate the little things and find happiness in the small moments! The three of you can literally have fun anywhere at any time.

-Lots of park dates, museum dates, trips to the zoo, and planetarium outings! Staying at home is also a popular date night choice but they love to take you to all sorts of places.

-For park dates, it’s common for you to walk in between them on the sidewalk holding both their hands. If you or Izuku feel particularly energetic though, you might visit the swings. Shinsou isn’t very far behind, always pushing either you or Izuku but refusing to be pushed himself. He’s more or less there to watch the two of you smile and laugh, and that’s enough for him.

-If it’s too cold to go to the zoo or park, then the next best thing is museums and planetariums! You would have never guessed, but both boys have such a fascination with space. 

-Especially when it comes to those rooms with the stars on the ceilings and the projections of planets and the sun and everything. It’s endearing to see the way Izuku’s eyes twinkle like the lights above him and how Shinsou’s shoulders instantly drop in relaxation. And they both learn so much- “Y/N, did you hear what they said about this star!?” “Maybe we should go check out that interactive exhibit with the planets later?” “You two really like space, huh?”

-TAKE THEM TO AN INTERACTIVE SCIENCE MUSEUM. TAKE THEM TO AN INTERACTIVE SCIENCE MUSEUM. TAKE THEM TO AN INTERACTIVE SCIENCE MUSE-

-They’d be so cute. Let them be children again! Izuku won’t be able to keep his hands off anything and Shinsou will be sooooo fascinated. But also, expect your purple haired boyfriend to make lots of sarcastic jokes about it at first. He might need to warm up a bit to it but he’ll want to go back afterwards for sure.

-If you don’t already have a cat, you now have several. It started with one- a really cute kitten followed Shinsou home one day without him realizing (or at least, that’s what he told you), and it was all downhill after that. Izuku was fine with the first one; it was cute, little, and completely loving. But then it happened again. And...again.

-You and Shinsou found the third little kitty in a big cardboard box with “Free Kittens” written on the side of it when you were walking downtown and of COURSE how could you just leave him there!?

-Izuku tried. He really tried. He didn’t want a third cat, and you already had two, and he was literally in the middle of trying to make a point about it when you blurted out a name for it and he knew then and there it was hopeless.

-Shinsou, immediately after you named it: “See? He has to stay now. Y/N named him.” Izuku still loves you, Shinsou, and the cats regardless. You’re a happy little family.

-If Shinsou is upset, you and Izuku will gift him a cat in his lap to help him feel better. If one of you is upset, he will absolutely do the same with an added Hang In There! cat meme. It makes Izuku smile and you find it funny. 

-And speaking of memes, they might as well be a love language for the three of you. There is a group chat that you have dedicated to just memes that you send each other. Shinsou primarily sends cat memes, Izuku sends All Might and other hero memes and just random ones that remind him of you and Shinsou, and you send whatever garbage you can find to make them laugh. There have been times where one of you are only a room away from each other sending memes and listening to the other laugh about it through the wall.

-If Deku has the day off and Shinsou doesn’t have to work that night, it’s not uncommon for the three of you to stay up late with each other and just catch up over a warm drink. It’s different for everyone; Shinsou has decaf coffee (Izuku will mother hen him if he drinks caffeinated anything after 6pm), Izu usually makes hot chocolate or tea, and you have your drink of choice.

-Often times your conversations last until early in the morning. You all just check up on each other and talk about life or your hopes and dreams and worries, and it’s an effective and good way of communication between the three of you. 

-It’s cozy and comfy, and it’s hard to tell who’s who when you’re a mess of tangled limbs under a giant fluffy blanket. And then of course the cats join in when they want!

-If Shinsou is exceptionally tired, he falls asleep first. This makes both you and Izuku happy since the poor guy hardly gets any quality sleep. But more often than not, Izuku will pass out first since he works days, and you go next with Shinsou following you. 

-Overall just a really fun relationship to be in, and it’s filled with joy and laughter and love. You will always feel protected and cared for and understood when you’re with the both of them.

:)

[popatochisssp]

Obviously no pressure, but if you wanted to share your ideas on house pets, there would be great interest from at least one person. But headcanons are closed and I totally respect that (this very ask aside sorry). No pressure to do anything!!! just wanted to let you know that it seems like fun info.

Sans (Undertale): Strongly inspired by a fantastic fanfiction I can’t recommend enough, he has a cat affectionately named Catsup (Norwegian Forest Cat). Of course he does. Pretty typical story here, he more or less went to a shelter, locked onto the biggest, fattest cat there, and filled out the paperwork to damn her to a life of having a pun for a name. He...may have only gone to the shelter because he was hardcore struggling with depression and his brother read somewhere that pets can help a little, but that's...that’s neither here nor there. Catsup turned out to be a perfect fit for Sans in spite of his initial attitude of, 'I'm only doing this to make Papyrus happy'-- she's probably just about as chill and lazy as the skeleton himself, content to flop over just about anywhere, anytime and hang out. Her laidback nature was a blessing for Sans, a first-time cat-owner who didn't really know what he was doing or what she needed right away. A more high-maintenance cat probably wouldn't have been as forgiving and there'd have been a lot more stress on everybody before he got it figured out. Now, he considers Catsup his best little pal and doesn't even need to be reminded to change out her bowls and her litter. He's surprisingly responsible, when he actually really cares about something.

Catsup’s Quirks: Likes it when you gently slap her belly, always gravitates towards the room with the most people in it, often appears in unusual places that it seems like she shouldn't have been able to get to

Papyrus (Undertale): He...begrudgingly missed working with the Canine Unit once the Royal Guard was officially disbanded... It took him awhile to be able to openly admit he was interested in getting a dog, and when he did, he had standards-- it had to be a smart dog, one that could learn tricks and follow rules, unlike a certain annoying creature that’s plagued his life and home and special attacks in the past!!! So he did a lot of breed research, found a local, ethical breeder for the kind he was looking for, and went to pick out a pup. Spike (Border Collie), so named for his incredible coolness, is a perfect fit for his energetic skeleton friend and loves to run, exercise, and learn new tricks all the time!

Spike’s Quirks: Learned to wipe his feet before coming inside just by watching Papyrus do it, hams up his tricks and sometimes does them without prompting, never leaves the park without an impractically large stick to bring home

Sky (Underswap Sans): You will literally never get him to admit the real reason he got a dog companion because he knows in his heart of hearts that it’s such a silly reason... He saw a video online of a dog delicately eating a watermelon and while most people would’ve had a kneejerk reaction of, “I NEED TEN,” but not gotten any, he had the same reaction and just...talked himself down to one. And so came Poff (Samoyed), a big ol’ floofer who’s a lot like her master when it comes to levels of energy and affection. She’s happy to follow him around on patrols, training sessions, and even through obstacle course...so of course, she tends to get very dirty very quickly. Luckily, Sky’s diligence in grooming her keeps her coat as white and fluffy as her namesake!

Poff’s Quirks:  Loves baths, tap dances at the mention of treats, doesn't chew her toys and just hoards them instead

Paps (Underswap Papyrus): He wasn’t really in the market for a dog, himself. He was just along for the ride when his bro was picking up Poff, when he happened to hear the most hilarious sing-screaming sound he’d ever heard in his life. He followed it all the way to the little fellow who would soon be known as Smoochie (French Bulldog), and he sure seemed upset about...something? He never really figured out why, he was laughing too hard from hearing a sound like that come out of something so small and weird-looking. He didn't try to adopt Smoochie that day, much as he loved his sound, but he found himself going back to the shelter a couple times just to check on and play with him. After two or three months with no one else adopting the little prima-donna, he figured he might as well commit and take him home. He's a fun little dude and Paps hasn't regretted it for a second, but he's forever in denial about just how much of a Dog Dad he's become since. It's totally normal to carry your dog around in the hood of your sweatshirt, isn't it???

Smoochie’s Quirks: Screams a lot, will eat food out of peoples’ hands if they’re not paying attention, jumps higher than it seems like he should be able to

Jasper (Underfell Sans): Like most things in his life, he didn’t put a whole lot of planning or forethought into getting a dog. He was out one night, decently drunk, and a friend of a friend of a friend of a coworker was talking about this dumb dog he had that was supposed to be a guard dog but couldn't do it worth a damn because he was too friendly. The guy was yammering about how to get rid of it and something about that struck a chord with Jasper. It was pretty soon after monsters surfaced and maybe that's why it felt...important to him? He was probably just drunk and emotional and soft that he even stepped in or said anything, but it is what it is. He’s a skilled enough conman that it didn't take him long to talk the guy around in circles until he was willing to pay Jasper for the privilege of taking this animal off his hands and in short order, he was almost bowled over by the big dog that planted its paws on his shoulders at their first meeting. Jasper immediately renamed him from something cliché and 'intimidating' to Tubbs (Rottweiler) for how heavy the goofy bastard was and then brought him right home. His brother wasn't particularly pleased and swore he would not be caring for this beast, but he never had to; Jasper kinda missed having something trusting and affectionate to take care of, and Tubbs has been daddy's little fatty ever since.

Tubbs’ Quirks: Shreds even the heaviest duty toys, lays on people as if he were a lap dog, drools rivers if somebody's eating food around him

Pyre (Underfell Papyrus): Who am I to defy literal years of fanon...? His first meeting with Doomfanger (Persian) was about as clichéd as it gets-- a scrawny, dingy, scraggly and matted cat scurrying out of an alley in the rain. She went right up to him and, well... it was love at first mew. He scooped her right up, bestowed a fittingly intimidating name upon her, and took her home with him, in spite of the fact that she looked more like a mutant rat than a cat at the time. After shaving the mats off, bathing the dirt away, and getting her some regular food, though, Doomy actually ends up being an exceedingly beautiful feline! He credits his attentive care and grooming for her pristine, silvery fluff and will brag about it at a moment's notice, but he's just ever so slightly in denial about her sweet and gentle nature. Doomfanger is a vicious killing machine, a true apex predator that nothing stands a chance against! That's...that’s obviously why he carries her around so much... And why he plucks her away from any other animal that comes near her like some sort of mother hen-- he's minimizing the bloodshed! If he let her loose, there would be no survivors!

Doomfanger’s Quirks: Meows in peeps, avid shadow-chaser, extremely receptive to handling

Mal (Swapfell Sans): Hey, anyone remember FGTC? This one cameo’d in that fic, she may seem familiar~ So...he wanted a pet. At first, he thought a cat would be good, fierce independent hunters that they’re reputed to be...but after spending time with a lot of cats and not really clicking with any, he was forced to concede that he was just more of a dog person. In hindsight, of course that’s what he was looking for: a loyal companion to (literally, ha!) dog his steps and follow his orders. Before he can actually, intentionally start looking for one, though, the universe works its magic and he finds one digging around in the garbage out behind the house. The emergency vet he brings the scarred and skeletal stray to tells him that, judging by her injuries, she was probably bait in some dog-fighting ring somewhere and got thrown away when she wasn’t useful anymore. Well. Fuck that, Princess (Pitbull) deserves better than that, and she’ll have it! He takes on the duty of nursing her back to health and earning her trust and it isn’t long before she shows her true colors as the loviest sweetheart of a dog that ever was. She’s utterly useless as an attack/guard dog, but her barks are loud and intimidating, and she obeys commands at the drop of a hat, so Mal doesn’t hold that against her. She goes with him just about anywhere she’s allowed and he shows her off with the same enthusiasm you’d expect for a pedigreed Best in Show dog.

Princess’ Quirks: Wags with her entire butt, will kiss the moment someone’s face is in range, barks at doorbells both real and on TV

Rus (Swapfell Papyrus): He didn’t mean to get a cat, not really... He was just following along with his brother when Mal was kicking around the idea of getting one, and Mal may not have clicked with anybody there, but he sure did. Actually... Kitkat (Manx) may have picked him and he’s just along for the ride. Kitkat was kinda young at the time, a little smaller than all the rest and also...no tail??? But what a personality, loud and playful and super sweet and...when it was time to leave the shelter, he just...he couldn’t bring himself to do it without her, he was in love! It’s mutual, at least-- she latched right onto him pretty much instantly and is pretty much never not with him whenever he’s at home, following him around from room-to-room.

Kitkat’s Quirks: Bone-rattlingly loud purrs, loves to play fetch, prone to 3AM zest for life and zooming all around the house accordingly

Slate (Horrortale Sans): I actually wrote about this one! But the gist of it is...he likes cats. Eventually got confident enough to go get one and zeroed right in on the weirdest-looking, least adoptable cat in the shelter he volunteers at. Slinky (Cornish Rex) was deaf, kinda ugly, and a whole lotta weird, but hell, she’ll fit right in at home, yeah? And so she does! She wrecks a lotta shit and is loud as hell, but stuff is only stuff and Slate’s never had an issue with noise. Actually...she really helps him out with his sleep and focus issues, it’s hard to drop off or dissociate when you have a cat in your lap, yelling at you at batting your face because it’s Play Time or Dinner Time, wake the fuck up!!! She’s a bastardous gremlin, but he loves her to bits.

Slinky’s Quirks: Clumsy and bad at judging distances, loves ankle-looping, insists on sniffing all people-food but never actually tries to eat it

Papy (Horrortale Papyrus): Following the trauma of the underground and the ensuing massive outpouring of empathy from humanity at large, monsters were made aware of many therapeutic resources that they could take advantage of, one of which was therapy animals. Papy naturally thought this was a wonderful idea...for other monsters, who were of course far more psychologically-damaged and not quite so good at enduring as himself. But...his brother does volunteer at an animal shelter, and he goes to visit him on occasion so he's made friends with a lot of animal people. This is how he hears about a therapy dog in need of a new forever-home due to complicated circumstances with her former owner, and well... it would be rude not to offer the Lady (Borzoi) a place to stay! He’s surprised by her appearance at first, having expected something more like a golden retriever or some kind of shepherd??? But he's very quickly charmed by her and actually feels more than a little bit of kinship with her no stranger to being long and oddly proportioned, himself-- and they're both doing their best to make it look graceful instead of weird. Since Lady proves to be a sweet and gentle-mannered dog, Papy just sort of...never bothers trying to find other accommodations for her. She’s welcomed wholeheartedly into their home, which she repays with plenty of unconditional love and effortless emotional support!

Lady’s Quirks: Spins in circles when excited, very polite when begging for table scraps, never barks but howls often

[xpouii]

Sooooo, I saw the ask thing and of course I would LOVE to hear what you have on Remus

Ask Link: https://xpouii.tumblr.com/post/188454024496/give-me-a-character   

             Ok, first off, as a side I LOVE REMUS. My creativity tends to lean toward the darker side of things, horror and angst and smut and occasionally slapstick comedy. Sooo I have an extreme appreciation for the work Remus does. Without dark creativity, I would not be a published author, nor would I have fics that people enjoy so much—in my opinion! Remus is extremely important at his metaphysical core, and of course as the horny, wacky, disturbed one, he’s the dark answer to Patton’s dad jokes and “airheadedness”.

                 Now, who do I ship Remus with? Literally everybody. Go nuts! I’m a big ole shameless multi-shipper! However, my absolute #1 Remus OTP is Intrulogical (Remus/Logan). Honestly, Logan isn’t fussed about morals very much, so while nonsense can annoy him, he won’t fault Remus for his darker ideas as long as they don’t defy reality. On the other hand, Remus can also provide Logan with a comforting escape from feelings. They can be as cold or as rough with one another as they want, and feelings will not be hurt. Guilt isn’t a thing either of them feel, so messy apologies aren’t going to be a thing they have to struggle through often. For these two, love literally does mean never having to say you’re sorry.

                 My favorite nonromantic OTP for Remus is Demus/Intruceit! Deceit is as much of a mother hen as Patton is, considering he’s kept his “Dark Sides”tm hidden for their—and Thomas’—safety. I just imagine him as a single mom with all these wacky assholes running amok in the subconscious until he’s so fed up that he lets one go upstairs. Then that one (Virgil) ends up taken away, and when he actually gets mad enough to do it again, he sends the one least likely to be embraced by Patton (Remus) because Patton is basically the HBIC of the “Light Sides” tm. Anyway, back on subject, Deceit is the longsuffering sensible one to Remus’ wacky humanoid tornado. I think even if Deceit doesn’t end up being the canon den mother, they’ll at least have an old friends dynamic where they drive each other crazy but still love and protect one another when the chips are down. Think Ouiser Boudreaux and Clairee Belcher from Steel Magnolias! They love to bitch at one another, but they’re basically platonic soulmates.

                Now time for unpopular opinions! Oh god, there’s one that I’ve hinted at that might literally get my blog burned to the ground, so let us gloss over that one for now and I’ll pick out another hot take! Remus isn’t a villain! Having to tag him as sympathetic feels like a slap in the face—same with Deceit! The Sides cannot be evil! They’re all just doing their jobs. Literally doing their jobs and they all want what’s best for Thomas. Hell, even Patton harms Thomas pretty regularly and he’s everybody’s sweet fluffy cinnamon roll (and he is, you’re right!). So in my opinion, the sides are not inherently good or evil. They are neutral, like all humans, however, I don’t think the Sides have as much free will as humans do. Aka when Roman almost develops and then it all comes crashing down in Moving On pt 2. He can’t help it. He is romance! It would be like Logan saying no to logic, or Virgil ignoring a warning sign or Patton being completely immoral—or Deceit telling the truth in a way that would harm Thomas or himself! SO, Remus being sympathetic isn’t such a character shift that he’s suddenly a new person! He is doing his job; good and bad is all made up nonsense just your opinion.                  If I had my way 100% there would be an episode where Thomas has to go to Remus for help. Roman’s not cutting it and Logan helpfully suggests that perhaps the creativity they need for this problem isn’t present. So Thomas summons Remus and he and Roman actually work together to overcome the writer’s block or the lack of motivation or blablabla. I just want Remus to get to show off his skills and importance. I think the suggestion that any side is unnecessary is wrong, and it would be a nice way to show the fandom that yes, Remus is a side and not just a scapegoat!          

[iknownothingihearnothing]

Game of Thrones 8.4 “The Last of the Starks”

I. Am. MAD.

This...this week’s offering right here is an example of an episode I loved and loathed in equal measure. There were lovely moments of--

And then...then there were even more ones of--

Y’all know what I’m talking about. From Brienne’s heartbroken face to that motherfucking Northern stubbornness, to Missandei’s capture and death, to Jon still not knowing enough (he’s so naive), to Euron shooting poor Rhaegal out of the sky, to JON BEING A HORRIBLE WOLF-DADDY!

He just ABANDONED Ghost! Without even a pat goodbye! Even if he had to leave him, he could’ve at least spared a frigging goodbye. Yeah yeah budget blah blah. You couldn’t get an actual big, white, fluffy dog for the few seconds needed for Jon Snow to bid his wolfy buddy who RISKED HIS LIFE for him a proper farewell?! 

I pet my dog and call him a good boy when he gets the ball and goes poop outside. You couldn’t spare more than a “laters, brah” nod to your poor puppy?!

LOOK HOW SAD HE IS!

I want to hug him and kiss him and snuggle him and tell him he’s the goodest boi in the North. Pawning him off to Tormund to live Beyond the Not Wall where he knows no one, what’s the matter with you, Jogon of House Snowaryen?! 

Dany may be leaning a biiiiiit too far into her House Targaryen roots but at least she is a dedicated pet owner. We know she loves her...scale...babies? They have spines, right? Spine babies? Fire babies. 

Ugh, let’s get into this week’s slice of sadness. 

The episode opens with a massive funeral for those that died in the Battle of Winterfell. Including Jorah, Lyanna, Theon, Mr. Edd, and Beric, who is now definitely out of lives.

Dany, crying, leans over Jorah’s prone body, kisses his forehead, and whispers something we’ll never know into his ear.

At least, we’ll never know unless either Emilia or Iain decide to spill the deets. Iain Glen said in a post-ep interview with Entertainment Weekly that it was “something definitely profound”. But who knows, he could be bullshitting us and she actually said “I like muffins” or something and he had to lay there pretending to be dead.

On second thought, she’s English. So perhaps she prefers crumpets. 

Sansa is sniffling over Theon’s body and places a House Stark pin in his shirt. Jon is looking out at this sea of corpses like--

There is no more Ol’ Nighty to bring them back.

Or so we’re led to believe. 

The camera pans across the mourners and we catch a glimpse of our favorite furry friend.

He’s such a good, loyal doggo. Wolfo? Direwolfo. 

Oh Jon I am so MAD AT YOU!

Saving my rage for a bit further down. Barely.

Jon gives a farewell speech about all their dead--they defended the realms of men, no one will ever see their like again, etc. etc.--and then some of the mourners who knew the dead best are given flaming branches in order to set the bodies alight. In the North, they burn their dead. I guess cus the ground is forever frozen and one day someone from House Whyrevr said fuck it and lit his dead grandma on fire. 

Afterwards, they have a joint funeral/”glad we’re alive” party because of course they do. Kinda reminiscent of our shiva except people are sitting on chairs. At the head table, Jon is looking awkwardly at Dany--apparently, that whole “we’re technically related and oh you have a better claim to the throne than me” stuff has lingered beyond fighting for their lives. Damn. Not even surviving Team Undead’s invasion could get them out of that business. 

Elsewhere, Gendry asks the Hound if he’s seen Arya. Does Robert’s bastard have a wee more on his mind than all the death? Like, say, his wee-wee?

Some things never change, no matter what century it is.

Gendry tries to stutter that it’s not about that but the Hound knows it is. Gendry’s alive and the dead are not. Might as well take ASS-vantage of it.

Eh? Eh?

Srsly, this is like the worst party in the history of Westeros. Uh, aside from the Red Wedding (but not the Purple one, #ByeJoflecia). They just buried burnt a heap of their dead, two of their hosts are keeping a huge secret from everyone (and being super weird around each other because of it), and Dany’s endlessly fighting against that frigging Northern hardheadedness. It’s not GREAT, Bob.

Speaking of that famous Northern jackassery, Dany sees an opportunity to crack that stubborn ice as Gendry crosses the party hall. Calling him over, she at first inquires about his parentage, asks him if he knows that Robert Baratheon kinda had her whole family killed and wanted to slaughter her as an infant. Gendry’s like “Whoa, did not know that he was my daddy until after he was dead” and Dany’s all “Yep he dead and so are Renly and Stannis so who’s Lord of Storm’s End?” and no one knows.

This is Dany’s chance to make good.

Not only did Gendry survive the battle, he got laid and made a lord!

You go, Glenn Coco, Gendry Baratheon, Lord of Storm’s End!

Ser Davos, the onion knight (lol) leads the room in a toast to Gendry, the newest Lord on the block.

Don’t be fooled cus he’s now a Lord, he’s still he’s still Gendry from the Forge.

Tyrion remarks that now Gendry will forever be loyal to her and Dany says that he is not the only one that is clever.

Sansa, hearing this, looks at her like bats just sprouted from her head and flew out her ears while her eyes turned red as she chuckled evilly. 

Oh, come on! This is what people in powerful positions on the show do. That’s how they secure allies without, you know, marrying their allies. You want someone’s loyalty, do something for them. Dany’s not the first one to try that. And it’s not like she had Drogon Dracarys the hell out of one of Gendry’s enemies to secure that loyalty. She made him a damn Lord. 

The Starks are annoying me this season. Except when Arya laid the smacketh down on Ol’ Nighty. 

In another corner, Jaime and Brienne are celebrating by gettin’ crunk. She offers a halfassed excuse but Jaime’s all “Dude, we defeated a horde of zombies. Drink up!” and she does, giving him this look:

Bow chicka wowowwwwwwwwwwwwww chicka chicka boom.

Not that I can blame her. Aside from all that incestin’, Jaime’s a fine slice of Kingslayer pie.

Ser Davos of House Onion and Tyrion are talking about Melisandre, who last episode took off her necklace and aged into evaporation. Davos tells Tyrion that he swore to Melisandre he would kill her next time he saw her but he never got the chance, as she did it to herself. Or the Lord of Light took her. Or whatever. They don’t like him much. They fight his war and then he fucks off. 

Tyrion crosses the room to BranBot, who is reading in his wheelchair, which Tyrion calls a clever invention. I keep forgetting that wheelchairs aren’t really a thing in Westeros. 

BranBot, as animated as he’s programmed to be, delights in telling Tyrion that it is reminiscent of the one Daeron Targaryen made for his nephew over a hundred years ago. Just your regular episodic reminder that BranBot is...BranBot. 

Tyrion says BranBot’s BranVision will come in handy as the Lord of Winterfell, which he technically is as Ned Stark’s last surviving “trueborn” son. But BranBot doesn’t want it. BranBot doesn’t really want anything or anyone. He totally just doesn’t care, man.

Tyrion envies BranBot’s ability to not give a shit and and BranBot tells him not to because--

Yes, yes. You’re an “old soul”, BranBot. BranBot calls himself a grandpa in a teenager’s body. He forgets what generation he is and refers to people his own age as “you youngins”. He constantly crows that he is a “proud introvert” who’d rather be reading. We KNOW, BranBot!

Tormund leads a toast (with his awesome tusk cup) to the Dragon Queen and everyone cheers so maybe Dany’s making headway. She herself turns her own toast to Arya, the hero of the Battle of Winterfell. 

Jaime, Brienne, Tyrion, and Pod are playing a Westerosi version of Never Have I Ever with wine and Tormund, a bit drunk off his red ass, is going on and on about how awesome Jon is. Meanwhile, Dany is listening and though she toasts him she knows that she will always be an outsider to these people and they fucking love Jon.

Also, this happened:

“May I have your name?”

“Daenerys Stormborn, the Unburnt, Queen of Meereen, Queen of the Andals and the First Men, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, Mother of Dragons.”

“Okay, that’s Daniellris Shoehorn, the Sunburnt, Keen of Mean Girls, Bean of the Sandals and the Thirsty Hen, Call Sweetie of the Eight Assed Bee, Brother of Wagons. Is that correct?”

“Ugh. Just write Dany.”

“Okay, Fannie.”

The PTB at HBO have since digitally removed The Cup from the episode but wah bro I think they should have kept it in. That’s hilarious. I want to live in a world where Starbucks exists on Game of Thrones. And it survived the battle. Of course House Styrbycks is right around the corner from Winterfell, conveniently situated at the heart of the town square. 

And you better believe there’s a ride-thru for the horseman on the go.

I enjoy how HBO came out with a statement that Dany ordered herbal tea. I can see Dany ordering herbal tea.

In warmer climes, though, she’s definitely a dragon fruit smoothie girl.

Aside: Liam Cunningham recently went on Conan and gifted him The Cup:

He swore it was the actual cup. How is that even possible?! Wouldn’t someone have tossed it after all this time? And the fact that it was still around had to signal to someone on set that a) trolol a person in Consistency fucked up and at least one dude on GoT knew it before the ep aired and b) that Emilia’s discarded latte appearing in a scene would be gold. 

I want to believe it’s legit. I want to believe so hard that it’s the real Cup and that all these circumstances came together to land the Cup in Liam’s hand all this time later. I want to, and so I shall.

(Yes, I know it is not the real Cup but shh I want to BELIEVE!)

So, Dany is watching everyone have fun and be close with each other, especially how everyone seems to love Jon here, and she’s feeling even more like an outsider (and not a bit insecure about her claim to the throne) and she gets up and leaves. Varys starts to follow her with his watchful Varys eyes.

Jaime, Brienne, Podrick, and Tyrion are still playing their game and getting increasingly drunker doing so. Drunker and more giggly. Everything’s all well and good until Tyrion suddenly sits up, looks Brienne in the eye, and accuses her of being a--dun dun dun--virgin. Pod nonchalantly sips his wine.

Brienne clambers out of her seat and mutters that she has to piss. Tormund, also drunk as a skunk, stumbles to their table, celebrating, and asks--

Well? Who did shit in Tormund’s pants?!

It’s kinda awks because Tormund is into Brienne but Brienne has feelings for Jaime and when did GoT become a teen soap opera? It’s like The North 00000 up in here.

Tyrion pours more wine into Tormund’s tusk as Jaime follows Brienne out.

Dramz. Will they? Won’t they? Stay tuned next week!

No, they totally will right now. 

But first, Tormund is going to bitch.

I was cheering for Tormund to win his Big Woman, I really was. But then Jaime showed up and their chemistry just...reignited. 

Tormund expresses sadness until a Northern lady volunteers to take up his time. The Hound continues to drown his sorrows--tho idk what he’s sad about, he’s alive--ignoring even the prospect of sexytimes until Sansa, finally able to make eye contact with the Hound, shares his table. It was a long time ago when she couldn’t even look at him, back when she was just a little bird. But now she’s a dark phoenix (see what I did there? Because Sophie Turner is starring in Dark Phoenix!) risen from the ashes, having had her revenge against her latest torturer/husband, Ramsay Bolton via his own hounds.

None of if would’ve happened if Sansa had left K.L. with the Hound way back when. But Sansa gently squeezes his hand and says that without Ramsay, Littlefinger, and all those assholes, she’d still be that same naive little bird.

Anyone else get the vibe that David and D.B. are kinda...trying to justify what Ramsay did to Sansa here? Just an itty bit? All that’s missing is Sansa belting out Christina Aguilera’s “Fighter”. 

Outside, Arya is practicing her archery skillz when Gendry, the new Lord of Storm’s End, is imbued with way too much enthusiasm after being dubbed by Dany and legit blurts out a proposal to his one night stand right then and there.

Ugh. I can’t wait until my shitty copy of Phhotoshop arrives. Until then I have to use paint shop. Look at those corners! They are making me itch.

Anyway, Arya obvs rejects Gendry’s proposal and it’s d’awww. Gendry is like that guy you hook up with once because he’s hot and afterwards, he won’t stop calling you and texting you and trying to add you as a Facebook friend and messaging you on Twitter suggesting that you fly to Michigan to meet his parents for Thanksgiving. This is something I know nothing about.

Ah, now we’ve circled back to the Jaime and Brienne Show!

That’s if he’s not still obsessed with his siiiiiiiiissssterrrr (she’s a psycho!)

Brienne’s throwing more wood onto yet another hearth (there are a lot of hearths in Winterfell) when Jaime knocks on her door and unceremoniously proclaims that she did not drink when Tyrion accused her of being a V to the gin. He pours her some Dornish red and mutters about it being hot in here; Brienne has learned in the North to always keep a fire going. Jaime has learned in the North that he hates the fucking North. Brienne counters that it grew on her.

Jaime wonders if Tormund Giantsbane also grew on her. He seemed quite sad when she left.

He wants the V-card and the V.

Jaime chuckles awkwardly and begins to pull at the collar of his shirt because “it’s bloody hot in here”. Brienne watches him warily for a second until she gets annoyed and unties the garment herself.

You see where this is going.

First time for Jaime, too. He’s never slept with a knight before.

Has he ever slept with anyone who isn’t his sister before?

Shows how much he cares about Brienne. Letting someone in who isn’t Cersei. That’s a good, non-incestuous step forward, Jaime.

It’s a big moment for Brienne, too, aside from the obvious. She’s had a thing for Jaime for years. This is like that guy you’ve been secretly pining for suddenly realizing he’s totally into it.

In the next scene, Dany confronts a “slightly drunk” Jon, who did not know Ser Jorah very well, but he is pretty sure that if he would’ve chosen a way to die, it would have been protecting Dany. Dany knows Jorah loved her, but she couldn’t love him back--not the way he deserved, not the way she loves Jon.

They kiss and it’s like before Jon ever found out he’s also Aegon until--

“Does Westeros have any support groups for this? Maybe I should ask Ser Jaime.”

Jon wishes that Dany had never told them that they were related and I’m sitting here like--

He would’ve figured it out sooner or later, right? I mean, if he knew he was half Targaryen and all and Rhaegar was his daddy. I understand math is hard but...

Dany tries to forget and sometimes almost succeeds until tonight when she saw all those people gathered around him, looking at him like I’m The Hero! People have looked at her like that before, lots of people, but not here, not on this side of the Narrow Sea. She begs him not to tell anyone of his Targaryen lineage, to swear Samwell and BranBot to secrecy, so that things could go back to how they were before between them. 

But Jon must tell Sansa and Arya because family and nobility and Starkism and all that. And we all know Sansa no likey Dany, despite the fact that HER ARMIES SAVED YOUR NORTHERN ASS.

She begs him some more and he promises that she is his Queen and they can all live together. And they can, if Jon keeps his trap shut.

In Brienne’s quarters, if the animal pelts are a rockin’, don’t come a-knockin’!

Warm enough in there now, Brienne? 

In the War Room--damn, don’t we all aspire to have a War Room?--our favorites are gathered around the Great Table or whatever with a map of Westeros in the center and some old timey Checkers pieces standing in for the two sides’ respective armies. Obvs, the Battle of Winterfell has depleted Dany and Jon’s forces greatly, but they still have enough to wage hell on Cersei. Yara has taken back the Iron Islands in her name, and the Prince of Dorne pledges his support. Still, Cersei has the Golden Company led by Guyliner Greyjoy and the Lannister Army fresh and ready to fight. 

Dany is not appeased. No matter how many noble people declare their fealty to her, while Cersei still sits on the Iron Throne, she can still call herself Queen of the Seven Kingdoms.

Jon, Tyrion, and Varys reassure her with talk of dragons and the people of K.L. having rebelled against their King before. Sansa adds that she wants to give the armies time to recuperate, which is also--

--since they just fought Team Undead and all. But Dany wants to hit up K.L. NOW NOW NOW because the longer they wait, the stronger her enemies become. Or something.

Someone’s starting to lean a wee too far into her Targ roots. It’s just common sense, Dany. Take a chill pill.

But Jon sticks up for his GF. Very sternly, he swears the North will honor its commitments and allegiance to the Queen of the Seven Kingdoms and blah blah blah. 

Dany appears smug.

Silently, Arya and Sansa trade glances like--

Tyrion narrates that Jon will lead the remaining forces up the Kingsroad while a smaller group of them will take a fleet to Dragonstone while the Queen will follow on...dragonback.

Jaime will remain at Winterfell as a guest. 

The camera ticks to Brienne’s expression at the mention of her former crush and new lovah’s name:

She’s trying to outwardly remain passive, but inside--

She’s getting laid and she’s not dead. Those are good times in Westeros.

Dany completes the conference and Arya demands a word with Jon. Outside, Jon is like “We’d all be DEAD if not for her” which is again DUH and Sansa snides “Arya’s the one that killed the Night King”. Arya wouldn’t have had the chance to kill the Night King without Dany’s armies because they’d all be DEAD. Seven Hells, you people are ridiculous. “We don’t trust her, ShE’s nOt OnE oF Us.” That is an absurd reason not to trust someone. I’m from New Jersey. It’d be like me about to be murdered and refusing help from someone because they’re from Florida. Don’t trust her because of her personality not because of where she is from.

And then, like a naive idiot, Jon actually thinks because he swore them to secrecy, Sansa and Arya will for sure totally keep his true lineage behind zipped lips.

This here was one of the scenes that made me roll my eyes so hard, they almost got stuck.

From that, thankfully, GoT moves on to one of my favorite scenes of the episode. Jaime and Tyrion sitting there over drinks gossiping like yentas. Jaime’s giving his younger brother all the deets vis-a-vis his liaison with Brienne. When Tyrion doesn’t say anything snide, Jaime is visibly uncomfortable, and Tyrion claims he’s happy Jaime is happy. 

And--

Tyrion has been waiting for ages to make tall person jokes.

He also wants to know what she’s like “down there”. Jaime calls him a dog.

But then Bronn shows up, finally after Creepy Qyburn hired him to kill Cersei’s “traitorous brothers”, a bit drunk off his ass, brandishing that crossbow. After he smacks Tyrion in the nose, he tells them that Cersei offered him Riverrun, but he knows the Queen is fucked after seeing Dany’s dragons, even with their depleted forces. And Cersei can’t pay up if she’s dead, so...

So Tyrion counters the offer. Highgarden for Riverrun. Bronn would be made Lord of the Reach. It’s certainly open now that House Tyrell has been decimated (RIP Olenna, you ultimate badass). Jaime blanches. How could Tyrion just give him Highgarden? Well hell, it’s better than being dead. 

Jaime doesn’t think Bronn will seriously kill them. Jaime is wrong.

Jaime scoffs Highgarden will never belong to a cuttrhoat but Bronn laughs pish-posh. Isn’t that how all the great Houses started? Kill a few hundred, they make you a Lord. Kill a few thousand, they make you a King?

Tyrion gives Bronn-y his word he’l give him Highgarden as long as they take King’s Landing. Bronn opts out of leading the fight, but wishes the brothers luck with a casual “Don’t die”.

The Hound yells “FFS!” when he meets up with Arya on the Kingsroad. Yep, they’re both goin’ Kings Landing way. Nope, Arya doesn’t really care to hang around, even if she is the hero after knifing that horned fucker. Yes, she probably will abandon the Hound again if he gets hurt.

They both have “unfinished business”. Arya to scratch Cersei off her infamous Kill List. The Hound, presumably, to finally fulfill our fantasy of Clegane Bowl!

Elsewhere, Dany is getting ready to leave the fucking frozen North, petting her dragons. And on this show, that is not a euphemism. One of them, presumably Rhaegal, takes flight.

While Drogon remains with her, that mama’s boy.

On the bridge, Sansa is watching Drogon and Rhaegal lift off, trying to shoot them down with her eyes.

Before he leaves, Tyrion tries to convince her one more time that Daenerys is it, or at least a way better option than Cersei, and he believes in her, her people love her, Jon loves her, etc, and he’d totes appreciate it if they were at least allies, and he turns to leave as the camera pans close on Sansa’s face; she calls him back to spilleth the beans..eth.

Did I win?

As Jon is loading up his Horshon Wagon, Tormund jokes that he’s not riding the dragon down south. Jon laughs that Rhaegal needs a break; he doesn’t need Jon weighing him down.

Tormund says that he has had enough of “the south” and plans to take the Free Folk back Beyond the Not Wall through Castle Black. It’s not home, not where they belong. Or, suddenly, where Ghost belongs either after EIGHT YEARS.

Yeah, this is where I RAGE.

Jon insists the North is no place for a direwolf and asks Tormund to take Ghost with him back Beyond the Not Wall, where he knows no one, will be lonely, and have to contend with even colder weather than what he’s used to. Tormund tells Jon that he has the “real” North running through his veins and “maybe” they’ll meet again before he departs and Jon goes to HUG EVERYONE. 

ALMOST.

RAGE! RAGE AGAINST THE JONCHINE!

I know, I know working with the CGI wolves is ExPeNsIvE, blah blah. I DON’T CARE. There are dragons that spit actual fire on this show. Y’all couldn’t substitute a real big, white, fluffy doggie so Jon could bid his furry friend a real goodbye?! This was the saddest scene in GoT history. Forget Ned’s beheading or even the Red Wedding. This right here is inhuman.

The episode’s director, David Nutter, tried to defend himself, weakly, by insisting he thought this way was more powerful. He obviously does not own dogs. Or any pets of any kind. He did not anticipate how much we all love our furry friends. As soon as the episode aired, Twitter lit up with #GhostDeservedBetter. Poor Ghostie. He lost an ear for you! You’re leaving forever. I snuggle my dogs when I just leave to go to the bathroom. I shall honor Ghost here, First of His Name, Protector of the Realms of Men, the One Eared and the White Furred, Warden of the North. Or at least Warden of the Woof. 

I had to watch this portion a few times to get the right screenshots so now I must go snuggle my own doggies. And tell them they are my own little direwoofies and I will never ever leave them. Especially for King’s Landing.

Jon “I’m the worst Wolf Daddy in Westeros” Snow rides off and Sam, Gilly, Tormund, and Ghost watch him go, even after his owner slighted him, because he is the goodest boi on the continent.

On the way to Dragonstone, Tyrion has immediately spilled to Varys because let’s be honest: Jon’s true parentage was always going to stay a secret for about, meh, an hour? And now eight people know--Jon, Dany, Sansa, Arya, Tyrion, Varys, Sam, and BranBot. Which makes it less a secret and more info. If the internetz had existed back then, the whole of Twitter would’ve known within fifteen minutes. #JongonSnowgaryen would trend worldwide. Westeroswide? 

I need to start following The_Mastr. 

People like Jon. They follow Jon (even tho he’s a terrible pet owner). If this were to get out, Dany would lose the North--Winterfell and the Vale. Sansa would see to that. 

Tyrion suggests marrying them and they could rule together. They love each other, but Varys ain’t so sure Jon could ever see beyond that whole “she’s his aunt” thing. And Dany doesn’t like to have her authority questioned. Then Tyrion cheerfully suggests that Cersei could end up killing them all anyway and that would solve their problems.

And then Guyliner Greyjoy comes out of nowhere and motherfucking shoots down Rhaegal!

I literally gasped “NOOOOOOOOO!” out loud when this happened. My animal-loving heart can only take so much, Game of Thrones. There’s a fan theory that technically we didn’t see Rhaegal die and two somethings appeared in the sky in the trailer for the next episode so he could come back with a vengeance. Please come back with a vengeance, Rhaegal. 

Dany is furious that Captain Maybelline shot her baby and orders Drogon to make a beeline for him. But afraid for her other baby’s life, she turns at the last minute. Euron, annoyed that he only took down one dragon, instead aims for the boat carrying Team Daenerys, which explodes under the force of multiple scorpion arrows. 

All of them swim to shore--all of them, except one. Just before the arrows flew, Grey Worm ordered Missandei to seek refuge on the skiff, and, when we shift to the castle gates, we see Cersei presiding over thousands of innocents who will be caught in the crossfire of war between her and Dany, her child (which she tells Captain Maybellne is his), and a captured Missandei.

In the War Room at Dragonstone--every Great House has a War Room, it seems--our merry band is presiding over a map of King’s Landing where Varys looks Dany in the eye and begs her not to attack the castle. They have Missandei, they killed Rhaegal, yes, but thousands of innocents are held inside the Red Keep, which is Cersei’s modus operandi. Varys pleads with her not to destroy the city she came to save but Dany believes she has a destiny to rid the world of tyrants, and she will fulfill it, no matter the cost.

That sounds vaguely culty, Dany. It wasn’t that long ago you were doing all you could to avoid a battle inside King’s Landing, cus you didn’t wanna destroy the city and the people you were gonna rule over. What happened? Don’t go all Aerys on us.

Tyrion suggests offering Cersei her life in exchange for the throne to avoid carnage. Dany knows Cersei will never go for it, but it’s good for PR, anyway. The people will know that Daenerys Stormborn tried to avoid bloodshed, and Cersei Lannister refused.

Take it back a few, Dany. Just a few, mkay?

At the hearth--there is always a hearth chat going on, and Dragonstone is no exception--Tyrion and Varys are having A Talk. Varys has served many tyrants, and they all talk about destiny and stuff. But, Tyrion negates, Dany has walked through fire and made dragons and lived, maybe she really is destined to rule the Seven Kingdoms. 

Varys considers How To Solve A Problem Like Jon Snow. Who may not be a problem so much as a solution. Who would make a better ruler, Jon or Dany? Varys knows Jon doesn’t wanna rule, which is partly why he bent the knee, but maybe a good ruler would be someone who doesn’t want to rule at all.

And Jon’s a dude, which, in ye olden times, was important. Also why he’s got a tighter claim to the throne than Dany does. They’re talking treason right now. Tyrion accuses Varys of abandoning all of the kings he served under. Varys reaffirms that he will always serve what’s best for the realm and the people, thousands of whom will die if the wrong person sits on the throne. 

Tyrion asks what happens to Dany and Varys gives him a look like “What do you think?” 

At Winterfell, the Northerners are rebuilding while Sansa and Brienne are being all secret-like, talking in whispers and glancing at Jaime. He follows them, having the creeping sensation that they’re talking about something that pertains to him. When he asks what’s up, Brienne tells him that they just got word of Guyliner Greyjoy’s ambush on Dany’s ships, Rhaegal’s death, and Missandei’s capture. 

And another for Jaime Reacting to Bad News screenshots:

BUT what exactly is he reacting to? That Cersei is going to die or that he isn’t going to do it himself?

That night, Jaime is watching Brienne sleep, then creeps outside to pack up his mighty steed to head back to the capital. Too bad Brienne wakes up and catches him. The city is going to be destroyed, they all know this. And Jaime doesn’t have to die alongside Cersei.

Jaime doesn’t think he’s a good man. He pushed a boy out of a window and crippled him for life (which led to him becoming BranBot) for Cersei. He strangled his cousin to get back to Cersei. He would’ve killed every man, woman, and child in Riverrun to get back to Cersei. She’s a monster. And so is Jaime.

And then he leaves and Brienne is heartsick and her POOR FACE. 

THIS EPISODE IS KILLING ME.

But--and I know a lot of other people think this, too--after I wrung my hands a bit, I thought about this moment. I think Jaime’s going back to K.L. to off Cersei himself, leaving Brienne to believe he left because he thinks he doesn’t deserve her. It still SUCKS but it’s less sucky than thinking he’d rather have his twin sister’s V. 

In said capital, the remaining Unsullied and Dothraki forces, along with Dany and her merry men, are lined up outside the gates. Cersei, Pirate von D, and Cersei’s ever lurking zombie Mountain are on the battlements with a chained Missandei. The camera sweeps to show both sides and when did King’s Landing get so FLAT?

Isn’t King’s Landing supposed to be all lush and hilly? What has Cersei done to the place?! This is Dubrovnik, ffs!

Creepy Qyburn comes out of the gates and Tyrion goes to meet him, Hand to Hand. Queen Daenerys demands Cersei’s unconditional surrender and the return of Missandei, unharmed. Queen Cersei demands Daenerys’ unconditional surrender. It’s a stalemate and they’re not getting anywhere so Tyrion tries to appeal to Creepy Qyburn’s logic. They have a chance to prevent bloodshed. To not cause the screams of thousands of children as hellfire is rained down upon them. It’s not a pleasant sound, Qyburn agrees. Alas, he still goes on about Cersei being the one true Queen so Tyrion pushes past him to speak to his sister himself.

Meanwhile, the rest of us are all--

Dany also thinks this is not a good idea.

Some of the Lannister army up on the battlements with Cersei and Co get their bows and arrows ready but as Tyrion approaches, Cersei waves them off with a smug smile. Calling up to her, Tyrion says he knows Cersei doesn’t care about the people of the Seven Kingdoms; they hate her and the feeling’s mutual. 

He mentions her children, her unborn child. How she loved them more than life itself. And just because her reign is over doesn’t mean her life has to end, her her child has to die. 

Just for a moment, one moment, it appears as if his words are getting to her. Cersei takes a deep breath, lets it out shakily. Lena’s acting in this instance is superb. And then, she crosses to Missandei as Dany and Grey Worm race toward the gate in alarm, and murmurs “If you have any last words, now is the time”.

Missandei’s last word?

With her last word, Missandei is telling Dany to fuck it all and burn King’s Landing to the ground.

Cersei gives zombie Mountain the nod to take off Missandei’s head, and poor Grey Worm can’t watch as the undead monster kills his girlfriend.

Dany shakes, turns, and walks away as Cersei smiles triumphantly.

The Mother of Dragons is so done fucking around, y’all.

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh this episode was a ride. I wanted to wring SO many necks. Jon Snow, how does it feel to be the villain of the internet? Jaime, you best be headin’ back to K.L. to kill Cersei. Don’t you be breaking Brienne’s heart for nothing. Burn it all down, Dany! #Cleganebowl!

I am EXCITE for the penultimate ep. So EXCITE!

[thebarefootcajunpetiteshistoires]

Petite Histoire - Ms. Lilac and the Crepes

The owner of the Crepes named Ms. Lilac had lived there for years. She was an independent woman, in the day, and that was bold; the year was 1965, lots of notable history, but I’ll mention one important to Ms. Lilac, the soap opera, “Days of our Lives” debuted on NBC. Ms. Lilac was an avid follower; even prayed for the characters.

Ms. Lilac’s living was earned through quilting - good old fashioned homemade quilts. On most days she quilted on a big screened in porch on the backside of the house. There she had bird feeders; especially, honing in on hummingbirds; she was enamored with the suce-fleurs, (flower suckers), as she referred to the tiny jet moving birds. On occasion, she had counted exactly one hundred birds flitting around her old-fashion garden sucking nectar from her colorful native plants. There was a buzz in the air as those beautiful petite oiseaux (little birds) flitted about moving their tiny wings at breakneck speed.

Often her customers wanted themed hummingbird quilts. Ms. Lilac thought that God had played a cruel joke on women when He created the male hummingbirds more beautiful with their neon feathers glowing brightly in the noon hour sun. Ms. Lilac sang church hymns while she quilted - mostly the ones that she sang at the First Baptist Church of the Mimosa village, her favorite hymn was “In the Garden” since she loved her garden so much. There were more mimosa trees in that Cajun village than they were residents living there. Mimosas grew wild, and during the summer, pink fluffy feathery-like flowers emitted a sweet, sticky nectar-like smell all over the Crepes.

Ms. Lilac was a happy woman. Her parents had died young, leaving her an adult orphan at the age of eighteen. The only child of farmers Octavia and Ollie. Giving up on having children, Octavia and Ollie had accepted that they would be childless until one day, a surprise; Octavia felt the baby stirring inside of her. They celebrated sitting under the Crepes drinking muscadine wine and eating sweet cantaloupe plucked straight from their large garden patch. Those melons were like basketballs - Ollie swore it was the soil that he scraped from the barn floor used as fertilizer - big ole melons like giant sized basketballs. Octavia and Ollie never sold their vegetables or fruit, they gave it all away. People who left with melons had to use both hands, usually stopping to rest before arriving during the short walks to their 60’s vehicles.

Sweetest melons ever - like injecting sugar straight from the sugar bowl. Octavia even made jams and jellies from the melons leaving out any added sugar. Ms. Lilac grew melons to this day, often leaving them in the garden patch for the animals who lived on her property. Ms. Lilac had a natural ability to communicate with animals. She only had two pets; two cats named Ti Coon and Grande Blanche - both feral cats that had become tame - inside and outside cats - they had the best of both worlds.

The cats were instructed by Ms. Lilac not to disturb the animals who lived on her property. She fed the cats plenty, and she had a hard and fast rule, no killing her animals - all were welcome. The Crepes was a virtual zoological wonder with every sort of creature imaginable; I mean Cajun animals native to the South Louisiana Prairie. Of course I failed to mention two other special pets - Lucy Bee and Ethel, two of Ms. Lucy’s prize laying hens. Each day these two girls placed two giant light brown eggs in a planter on Ms. Lilac’s steps on a rug that said, “Mais, Cher, Bonjour!” (Well, honey, welcome!)

Ms. Lilac also milked a cow named Tevalia. That cow was pretty special, too. Ms. Lilac always placed fresh flowers from her yard clipped onto Tevalia’s ears. Ms. Lilac had fresh milk, cream and butter each day of her life. She preferred her butter on homemade white, fluffy, soft bread that she made in an outdoor oven on the ground. She had created a fire ring using old stones that she had found on the prairie and created a tripod to hang a black pot suspended above the fire. Ms. Lilac preferred outside cooking. Her homemade bread in a black pot was the best within a twenty-five mile radius. Ms. Lilac had never gone beyond that; therefore she could only judge her bread by how far she had traveled in her lifetime. Always, she added a smidgen of salt atop the butter on her homemade bread; she liked it best that way.

In her spare time, Ms. Lilac wrote using an old fountain pen and a Big Red tablet bought at the Ben Franklin five and dime. She loved shopping in that old store - it had creaky wood floors and a variety of unique items, for only, you guessed it, a nickel or a dime. She especially enjoyed buying five and dime nick-nacks - mostly ceramic ones painted with vibrant colors. She knew it was an addiction, but she didn’t care; they brought her joy. Each Monday morning she carefully picked each one up, adored it, and dusted it off; this was one of her favorite chores in her house.

Ms. Lilac wrote short stories about people in her community; mostly fun, humorous stories about the people she loved. With no family to speak of, her community was her family. One night a month, Ms. Lilac had a reading on her screened-in porch; remember it was a big porch since that’s where she quilted. Ms. Lilac also slept on that porch most nights. She was a healthy spry woman, nimble and quick. Each day she stretched - somewhat doing yoga poses before that was in vogue. She did her stretching in her back yard where she could face the rising sun while doing sun poses and greeting the sun. Each day animals seemed to mimic her pose - maybe that’s why the animals living on the Crepes lived for years beyond what was expected.

All was well with Ms. Lilac; at one hundred and one, the combined ages of her parents when they died; Octavia was fifty-one and Ollie was fifty. Ms. Lucy had a message from God that He needed another angel in heaven; not a surprise, she had a sense that God would take her home soon. He told her that He had the perfect work for her in heaven. Giddy, ready to meet the Lord and be reunited with her parents, she could only hope that the Lord meant that he needed a quilter; one who specialized in Hummingbird quilts.

To this day when people pass through the village of Mimosa in South Louisiana on the Cajun Prairie and trek through the Crepes, tiny breezes of sweetness wafting through the air linger in remembrance of Ms. Lilac, the Crepes and her menagerie of animals.

Suggestion: be aware of Ms. Lilacs and the Crepes all around you, or maybe you’re a Ms. Lilac who lives on a place like the Crepes. Life is good, notice eccentricities; they just might bless you?!

One of my nieces calls me her eccentric Uncle; that’s a compliment!

An original Barefoot Cajun, South Louisiana, petite histoire (little story)

[henry-hart]

I have the big writer’s block so I don’t have much but uhhh how about some good ol fashioned squad fluff with ray and the kids?

OKAY I HAD THIS ALL TYPED OUT AND IT WAS PERFECT BUT THEN MY LAPTOP FREAKING REFRESHED THE PAGE AND I LOST IT. HHHHHH

I hope I remember it well enough

(I feel that writer’s block frustration. It’s a mcfreakin’ pain in the butt, my dude.)

I made it a little goofy as well as fluffy bc I really like the comedic dynamic of HD. I hope you like it!!!! :)))))

I just got back from a beach trip, so let’s go with that

it’s summer in Swellview and it’s crazy hot

that summer heat is taking no prisoners

Ray is down in the Man Cave and everytime the elevator opens up, it lets out all the hot and stuffy air from the store

he’s all “no. nope. not happening. I’m here sweating when I could be on the beach sipping from a coconut with one of those frilly umbrellas. this is unacceptable.”

he calls Schwoz and the kids and tells them he’s taking them on a spontaneous beach trip

he says he wants them to come with bc he doesn’t want to be alone and look like a creep

but it’s really bc he enjoys their company and wants them to have fun

he sends the kids home to get ready while he closes shop

“Can Piper come?” “Who’s Piper?” “My little sister, Ray.” “Aw, no. Is she that little loud girl?” “I guess she can be loud? Anyway, can she come or not?” “I feel like saying ‘not’ would make me a bad person but I really don’t want to say yes….” “Come on, man.” “UuuuuUUUggggGGGGhhhHHH fine. Paper can come.”

they all pile into Ray’s car

the ride there is a bit chaotic bc the beach is 45 min away and the car is cramped and it’s hot and no one can agree on a radio station to listen to

“Henry, I’m not going to say it again. Move. Over.” “Piper, I’m not even touching you.” “You’re about to touch me.” “Are you kidding me?” “No, I’m not.” “Where do you want me to move? There’s only so many seats in the car.” “I don’t care. I can feel the heat coming from your gross body.” “Okay, I’m not gross, for one, and I would scoot over if Jasper would get in his seat.”

“I already told you I can’t be by the window. I get carsick.” “Then why did you choose the window seat?” “Because I get claustrophobic in the middle seat.”

“Henry, I’m gonna kill him.” Char overhears and intervenes. “Hey, Piper, why don’t you sit with me on the way back?”

Ray heard all of their bickering, so he rolled the top down to cool them all off

as soon as they got to the beach, Schwoz shot out of the car blurting out something about having to pee

Ray packed food from the auto-snacker (sandwiches, chips, fruit, etc.–things he thought the kids would like), so he grabs the ice chests full of food/drink while the kids get their stuff

there isn’t too many people on the beach, so they don’t have a problem finding a quiet spot

Char x Piper get Hen to take pics of them right where the waves meet the sand

Piper posts them with captions like “beach day with my best-ay” and some lyrics about summer

she even takes a few with Hen for their parents

Jasper brought wayyyyy too much sunscreen

“I don’t joke about my skin care. Skin cancer is not a joke. Do you think I maintain this ivory color by not using sunscreen?”

Piper agrees with him bc she’s fair-skinned too

Hen doesn’t like it too much bc he doesn’t like how it feels, but it beats sunburn

Ray, however, won’t use it.

“I’m indestructible. The sun is no match for me.” “It’s literally a ball of fire in the sky.” “Psh. I’ve had worse.”

the kids don’t agree with him, but they know arguing is futile so they let it go

Hen brought a beach ball and some paddles with a matching little ball

the Harts used to go to the beach a lot, so Hen had a lot of stuff to choose from

he and Piper team up like they used to when they were younger and together they are un-beatable

like

no one else wins. at all.

they have this ridiculous handshake/victory dance they do every time they win and it’s so over-the-top (like Ross x Monica’s new years dance routine for you friends fans)

even Ray thinks it’s a bit much

Char x Jasp have no idea what to think

they’ve never seen Hen like this

“I always thought Piper was the scary one.” “I know. Did you see Hen’s face when I scored a point?” “He looked like he was going to kill you.” “Yeah, and Piper looked like she was going to help him get rid of any evidence.”

(I like that little ride or die sibling bit ajksjslksj)

Schwoz comes back from the restroom and Ray scoops him up, running to the water to throw the little man in

everyone joins in

the tide is pretty rough and Ray’s a little worried

esp for Char and Schwoz and whatever her name is bc they’re all pretty short

Hen is chasing Jasp x Piper, pretending to be Jaws

a pretty big wave comes and washes over all of them

Hen x Jasp are okay bc they could just easily stand up but Piper is a lot shorter

Hen starts freaking out when she doesn’t come up

Ray is worried too

he sees the little girl and immediately yanks her out of the water and into the air

“Paper! Paper! Are you okay???”

she swallowed a good bit of nasty saltwater that burned her throat/nose, but she’s okay

“It’s Piper.”

Hen sighs in relief, moving the hair out of her face. “She’s fine.”

they take a break from the water for a bit to eat lunch

Ray unpacks the food he brought for them

Hen x Jasp eat their lunch on an inflatable unicorn inner tube :)

Piper takes some more pics of the gang eating

she records a snapchat video of Hen being attacked by a swarm of seagulls after his sandwich

he takes off down the beach after them but gives up, hoping the birds at least enjoy it as much as he did

he doesn’t bother asking Pipes to delete it bc he knows she won’t

after lunch Hen x Char go off alone to collect seashells

Hen finds a really pretty spiral shell to give to his mom

Jasper tries to get Ray to at least put on a little sunscreen, but Ray is still being ridiculous

Piper is flying a kite, but Schwoz keeps pestering her about using a new device he created that’s supposed to make the kite fly ten times higher

she lets him do it just to shut him up, but it goes wrong

the string gets cut, and her favorite kite flies away just like the birds did with Hen’s sandwich

she’s furious

Ray jumps between them just in time

a second later and Schwoz would be pummeled

“Look, Paper, I know he’s an idiot, but I kind of need him, so if you could just not kill him, I’d really appreciate it.”

“Its. Piper.”

Hen x Char return from collecting shells and everyone gets back in the water

he won’t let Piper go out in water that reaches any higher than her stomach (she put up a fight but she agreed, not wanting to drink anymore disgusting water)

Jasp x Hen played a game where they’d wait for a big wave and then turn around so that they could fall backwards into it

a fish brushed against Schwoz’ leg, and he tried to jump up on Char to get out of the water

she just dropped him so the he ended up going under right where there was a school of fish

Ray let Char x Piper get on his back so he could tow them around

he also picked them up so he could toss them into the water (playfully, of course)

a fish nibbled Jasper’s foot, and he wanted to catch it so he could bring it home as a pet

no one could catch it, and there was no way of telling which fish it was

Hen got a pretty gnarly sting from a jellyfish, so they all decided it was time to get out of the water

the sun was beginning to set anyway so the others weren’t too upset about getting out 

there was still some food left over from lunch, so Ray made a little campfire and they all ate a light dinner

they watched the sun dip down below the horizon line

the sky turned dark

Ray reached behind his back and pulled out a surprise: s’mores

Hen’s leg was still hurting so Ray handed the s’more fixings to Piper

“Here, Piper. Why don’t you make one for Henry?”

she just stared at him, shocked that he had used her real name for the first time

she didn’t say anything 

she just took the food from Ray and made her brother a s’more just the way she knew he liked it: marshmallow extra crispy, chocolate extra gooey, and graham cracker as is

Ray smiled to himself, knowing Piper’s reaction was bc he’d remembered her name

he didn’t call any attention to it though, knowing neither of them wanted that

they ate their s’mores in comfortable silence

Char noticed Schwoz was smiling mischieviously

“Schwooooooz…..why are you making that face?” 

he just giggled and produced a small guitar from behind his back

everyone groaned

“What? What? Why the not happy sounds?” Ray just rolls his eyes. “Because, Schwoz, no one wants to hear you play.” “Why? What’s wrong with my tunes?” “Your ‘tunes’ sound like a dying cat.” “So does your singing, but I never tell you you can’t.”

he plays anyway and…he’s actually…..really….good???

“Schwoz, where’d you learn to play like that?” “I had lessons.” “When? You never leave the Man Cave?” “………from Lelani….”

Char keeps Ray from jabbing Schwoz with his hot s’mores stick

Schwoz keeps strumming away while they all sit around the campfire, listening to it crackling, listening to the waves crashing against the shore, watching the light flicker on everyone’s faces, watching the smoke from the fire rise up the the stars

the kids almost fell asleep, but Ray got them up and in the car, deciding it was time to go home

he let them get seated while he packed everything up

the kids did fall asleep on the drive home

Ray kept the hood down so the cool night breeze makes its way to everyone

he finds an alternative station that’s playing a slow, soft, hypnotic song that’s perfect for night drives

he keeps checking on everyone in his rear view mirror and smiles big when he sees them all sleeping soundly in the same seating arrangements that had caused problems before

Hen x Piper are leaning against each other when they’d been complaining about being too close before

Jasp is propped against the window, no longer needing to worry about getting car sick since he’s sleeping

Char even let Schwoz use her as a makeshift pillow despite the fact that he drools

Ray turned the radio up a little bit

he drove on under the yellow street lights in the quiet night, listening to the quiet pulsing song, feeling perfectly content and happy

it had been a good day 

bonus:

Ray wakes up the next morning and screams at the top of his lungs

he’s as red as a stop sign

he got sunburned after all (just as everyone else knew he would)

“Sun: 1 Ray: 0″

[apartofmyseoul]

Food Thief - Boyfriend IM (Monsta x)

I’m adding the finishing touches to my beautiful fried rice (it’s more complicated than it sounds don’t judge me), when my very own cute boyfriend walks into the room.

Now. It seems IM can smell good food from a mile away because I swear to god he is supposed to be at practice right now.

“Heeyy~” I greet him suspiciously, “whatcha doing back so early?”

“Shownu let us go early! We NAILED the dance!” He replies easily, fluffing his already fluffy hair and exchanging his smelly t shirt for a big, floppy sleeved hoodie. He looks mighty cuddly right now, but daren't go near him in fear he will steal my food. I don’t care how famished he is from practice.

My food.

He still hasn’t noticed the dish in my hands and comes over to give me a hug.

“Ugh I’m so tired--” He stops, sniffs, “what is that smell…”

I run.

Well slight jog.

I don’t want to spill my rice.

“HEY WAIT IS THAT RICE?” He bounds after me and in the next second the dish is out of my hands and being clutched by my ever so thoughtful boyfriend.

Who starts eating it.

My food.

“Hey!” I shout, “give it back!”

“No,” He smirks, “come get it.”

I narrow my eyes.

And pounce.

Which fails.

And guess who falls on their butt?

Good ol’ me.

“YAH!” I scream, “BRING ME MY FOOD!” Changkyun just laughs and sits on the couch, scoffing my hard work. I jump over with my spoon and try grab some off the plate. I try every which way - climbing on him, surprise attack, tickling, crawling over him (yes I know that’s the same and climbing on him shush). Whatever I do he just pushes his arm out further and since he’s taller than me I have no chance of getting it. I sigh in exasperation and sit on the opposite end of the couch, my back to him.

“Aww come on,” Changkyun coaxes, “I’ll give you some if you say please?”

I silent treatment him.

Why should I have to say please for my food.

I just huff again and storm to the bedroom.

It takes five minutes but he finally comes in bearing gifts. A couple packets of crisps (chips for ya Americans), a few ramen cups (uncooked, what do I do with these?) and some of my favourite drink. Irn Bru.

How the heck did he find that? It’s no-where in Korea. My beautiful Scottish drink is right in front of me and I have to play angry (not play really but I can’t give in).

“Hey…” He says softly, “sorry for taking your rice… I was hungry and forgot how much you love rice?” Hm. Good enough apology for me to grab some irn bru and crisps. “I got this for you from a friend, it’s the right one, right?” I just take a gulp in answer. Wow. Nice. Must’ve been someone from the UK because this is proper Irn Bru and not the exported kind I’ve had elsewhere. But still. Not enough. I continue ignoring him. “Hnngngg, okay! I’ll go out get you food?” I don’t acknowledge but YAS.

I much on crisps and fizzy juice for 15 minutes before I hear the door going. I dash towards IM and tackle him to the ground, looking for the food.

“AWW!” He exclaims, sounding happy, “YOU MISSED ME! I PROMISE I WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU AGAIN!”

“Oh my god you idiot where is the food?”  I bluntly ask.

“OH! Uhm here!” He presents me with some spicy rice cake and fried rice. Amazing.

“YAY!”

“ARE YOU HAPPY NOW? NOT ANGRY ANYMORE?”

“YES YES I LOVE YOU AGAIN.” I tell him, walking into the living area with my takeaway. I sit on the couch and turn the TV on, Changkyun settling in next to me. Aware of the takeout routine. I snuggle into him and start eating, my eyes on whatever the TV is playing.

My boyfriend starts stroking my hair and mumbling. I can’t quite work out what he’s saying.

“What?” I ask him.

“Oh nothing.”

I shrug and get back to eating. Alls well that ends well I guess?

“She’s weird. But she’s mine.”

-----

HEY, PLEASE READ THIS!! This is a sort of future excerpt I may or may not put into my Wattpad story A Part Of My Seoul (check it out pls) which I am updating soon. I say ‘may or may not because I don’t yet know if the story will play out this way I JUST WANTED TO WRITE THIS OKAY?

Ta hens

[thecoroutfitters]

Written by R. Ann Parris on The Prepper Journal.

Editors Note: Another article on chickens from R. Ann Parris to The Prepper Journal. If you have information for Preppers that you would like to share then enter into the Prepper Writing Contest with a chance to win one of three Amazon Gift Cards with the top prize being a $300 card to purchase your own prepping supplies!

Chickens are some of the most popular livestock worldwide, modern backyard enthusiasts to sustenance-level farms from China to the Balkans. There’s good reason. They’re economical, versatile on the table, and multi-function laborers. Most chickens have pretty short “working” lives, though, which means we need to replace them regularly.

(Full disclosure: I don’t actually like chickens, but they’re essential to my production capabilities and I respect them as such.)

Breeding capability builds our resilience against the personal and short-term disasters as well as the nation-shaking and world-altering crises. A good rooster and reliable broody hen are a gold mine in these days of ordering chicks.

Those broodies are worth identifying, especially. They can save us time, electricity, and effort, and even increase the efficiency of our other poultry. Watching for some key traits in our hens, both good and bad, can maximize our flock’s ease and success.

I’m specifically talking about chickens, but many factors also apply to other poultry, and the behavioral aspects apply to the other super-efficient, inexpensive, every-prepper, apartment to acreage meat source: rabbits.

*Not everybody who can/will shoot a person or a wild animal is capable of harvesting something they raised. Start small and make sure you can actually control the population before you go big or breed more.

Broodiness

Broodiness is basically when a hen is ready and willing to sit a nest. I have never successfully induced broodiness. If a hen doesn’t want kids right now, game over. Maybe somebody is managing, but don���t waste too much time trying on this one.

See, most of the suggestions miss a big factor: Successful mothers are usually older hens, 3+ years. The best are typically upper-echelon birds hitting 4-6 years old.

Because laying decreases significantly every year, a lot of people have already replaced hens by then, leaving mostly young birds. It’s expecting a toddler-teen to focus, earn, budget, and shop like a 30-40-year-old.

That said, do use breed reviews to help anticipate broodiness expectations.

If you want a laying flock to periodically reproduce or serve as surrogates, avoid breeds listed as “low” and “no/almost never” for broodiness.

If we want 3+ clutches annually, we might maintain a couple keepers from breeds listed as “high/yes, often broody”, but try to go with breeds that break off broodiness easier, not breeds listed as persistent (read: constantly, stubbornly broody).

For fewer over-broody frustrations but periodic clutches from our layers, choose a “moderate/occasionally broody” breed.

Laying Boxes

Most of us expect our hens to share laying boxes. That can be a problem for brooding. If a hen shows signs of being inclined but isn’t sitting the eggs we’ve left, see if she’s getting displaced by other hens.

If so, that box is too popular. You need more boxes, to try moving her and her clutch to a different box, or relocating her box and replacing it for the other hens.

*Bonus tidbit: You may need extra boxes even with only 6-12 birds in non-brooding daily layer life, although you should be able to have a minimum of 2-4 layers using each box. — If you’re having problems, check the placements but start watching for personality traits and your own habits. There’s usually a problem, and it’s usually our fault or a particular animal or two with unacceptable behavioral issues.

Insufficient boxes can also be responsible for full and partial-clutch abandonment (she started sitting, then abandoned her eggs).

Check the hen and flock for battle signs, although roosters are rough lovers. She’s a sitting target on the nest, so he may actually be the problem. If it’s not him, she’s fighting off other hens for her nest, and may eventually give up or lose.

*Bonus tidbit: Hens with “love torn” back feathers are actually the indicator for most-likely-fertilized eggs.

Mean Ol’ Bitty

A hen should not resist being nudged out of the box daily. Nor should you be pecked over every egg. That’s cause to assess how calm the coop is at collection time (checking for problematic human habits) and then send problem birds to the glass-jar coop in the pantry.

Since our birds are calm, cool, and cooperative, we can recognize a hen exhibiting broody behaviors: staring daggers as soon as you appear, racing from feed/calcium/water to occupy the box before you get there, becoming increasingly unwilling to leave the box while you collect, fanning out feathers, pecking your shoe, snatching your sleeve, trying to squeeze through the lift in back-access boxes to follow her egg(s), and-or trying to wedge into the collection basket or hovering over it.

*Bonus tidbit: Also watch for hens laying near their favorite box(es) but not in them. Sometimes they can’t get in to lay because a broody is defending it.

Those behaviors are – for this out-of-character, slow-ramping (3-8 days), and temporary behavioral change – acceptable.

So long as they’re not excessive.

We are not going to screw with this hen often, but we are likely to want in there.

We need to add, crayon (track), and candle (check the contents of) eggs. We may want to get our hands on the hen (briefly and noninvasively) to feel under-the-feather condition.

In some cases, we may need to relocate our hen and her clutch/box (extreme weather, coop companions, brooder or grow-out pens, changing conditions that affect nest safety).

We’re usually going to want to get our hands on the chicks somewhere through their “raptor” stage at least once or twice, even if we’re not sexing or weighing them and don’t handle/socialize our birds.

We need to be able to do this without the stress that excessive guarding creates within the flock and her clutch. Excessive guarding can also be contagious to the flock and chicks, and carry over to her post-clutch conduct.

We might let an over-aggressive bitty raise this clutch (be aware: the genetic inclination is there if it’s her chicks). We wouldn’t indulge her broodiness again, though, and she’s looking hard at the butcher-paper poncho.

(Apply that to rabbits and other livestock, too. There’s a line mothers need to walk between enough and excess.)

Successful Broody Traits

On top of her personality, a broody hen needs to check a few boxes successfully, and a few more if we’re not hand-rearing the chicks or she’s raising them inside a flock.

One, and it might seem obvious, but she needs to eat.

Two, she needs to be lickety-splickety, and then get back to the clutch.

(Psst … We usually need to feed her, not expect her to free-range forage.)

Some hens are easily distracted or not dedicated, and will leave a clutch too long. Flip side, some barely budge at all. We may need to provide her with some extra tidbits, or keep feed and water closer.

Good mothers of most species lose condition, but if she loses too much, it may be months before she recovers enough to lay again after her brood.

Also seemingly obvious: She needs to sit her nest for the 12-60 hours it takes all the eggs to hatch.

Flaky hens will sometimes only sit the first few chicks, then abandon the rest. It’s especially frustrating to find cool, wasted eggs that were abandoned half-cracked and chicks that have gone hypothermic. Check them frequently when hatching starts.

Some young hens are like any other new mother, and just don’t get it yet.

We may be able to finish the hatching this time, but if she leaves early a 2nd-3rd time, we need to not indulge her broodiness anymore (and weigh feed-productivity against a glass-jar coop).

Unless we’re taking the chicks away to raise and only wanted the non-electric incubator, our broody hen needs to walk another balanced line: showing her fluffy-fuzzies how to eat and drink, but keeping the late-cracking pips and wet peepers warm enough.

This is another one where a food-water station near the box can make a difference.

If she’s keeping her peepers, the bitty walks that narrow aggression line again: Being peck-happy enough to protect her chicks from other barnyard residents, but not being a feathered Terminator intent on keeping everything 50’ away from the shed.

*Chickens are brutal. Do let her keep other birds off the chicks.

I prefer flock-raised clutches, but it’s not always possible. Big-gap fencing, small hawks/big crows, free-range factors, and the broody spending too much time guarding can make it unfeasible.

*Watch for a particular bird harassing her/them; problem chickens get the Ziploc poncho.

Especially if we have a big, multiple-breed, or mixed flock, we’re likely to need a brooder pen. Usually multiple hens can share them, especially if the nests are within 2-4 weeks of each other.

Once they’re separated, we’re going to have to be careful with introductions/reintroduction’s to the flock.

Surrogates

While my preferred birds will raise guineafowl, quail, turkey, and waterfowl, I for-sure want hens that will incubate them.

Sometimes we can add 3-4 eggs at a time, so she has the 10-20 she can cover in just a couple days. Sometimes we can add a full dozen at once. Sometimes it has to be slower, adding 1-2 eggs at a time to the ones she’s laying.

Some will roll significantly different-sized eggs out of the nest. I don’t love it, but it’s not a glass-coop or never-again offense to me.

A workaround is swapping for her eggs. Sometimes we’re stuck with 1:1 egg replacement, but usually we can match the size/mass of what she had – 2-3 hen eggs for 3-6 quail eggs or 1-2 goose or turkey eggs.

*Hen size determines her max egg count. Chickens cannot fit over as many goose or turkey eggs/chicks as they would their own.

Some hens will take on not only foreign eggs, but live chicks. Some will accept even 7-10-day-old chicks into their clutch.

It’s a rarer hen that will let you add already-hatched other-species to her own chicks, but they’re out there. (Some bitties would happily sit a half-grown emu.)

If you’re going to lose a clutch anyway (power/heat light out, mother overwhelmed or killed), give it a shot but brace for carnage. The earlier you can add them, the better.

I love the surrogate trait, but I don’t want hens too crazy with their adoptions. Too-keen birds trying to steal eggs or chicks are too disruptive, especially in smaller flocks.

It can result in fights, serious injuries, production-stoppage (stress), broken eggs, and mangled, run-over chicks.

We spent 5+ weeks (minimum) doing without a layer’s production to get those young birds. Heaven forbid they be from slow-laying, low-production game birds. The problem hen heads to Camp Kettle.

Broody Birds

Reproducing our flocks takes some pre-planning and know-how, but it increases our resilience to everything from personal disasters to worldwide crisis.

Reliable, versatile broody hens further increase our capabilities, even beyond small (but devastating) crises like outages/gennie failure and burned-out incubators and brood lights. They improve the efficiency of all our poultry.

Older, slower-laying chickens can raise clutches for higher-yielding young hens, maximizing each’s strongpoints and minimalizing each’s inherent age weaknesses.

Chicken surrogates incubating slower-laying game bird eggs gets those hens back to laying faster, too.

They also give us a canny bird to raise clutches for species that are mortally stupid mothers.

However, excessive broodiness is a problem akin to clutch abandonment and fake broodiness, and there are other broody behaviors we want to remove from our bloodlines. It can be hard for some keepers, but it’ll give us a more peaceful and productive flock in the long run.

Follow The Prepper Journal on Facebook!

  The post Raising Chickens: Breeding Resilience with Broody Hens appeared first on The Prepper Journal.

from The Prepper Journal Don't forget to visit the store and pick up some gear at The COR Outfitters. How prepared are you for emergencies? #SurvivalFirestarter #SurvivalBugOutBackpack #PrepperSurvivalPack #SHTFGear #SHTFBag