#I love being afraid of commitment tee hee

[gummy-sharks666]

Dawg I’m so fucking annoying bc like I want a relationship but I also don’t want a relationship bc I fear commitment but I also can’t figure out if I want a bf or if hooking up would just be better or like fwb type thing but I also want a bf to like know every part of me as a person but I’m too afraid of letting anyone in that far so I think instead I’ll just ignore all of these feelings and keep bottling them up until I explode

[muffinrecord]

Himena's magical girl story was really good but also really terrifying and I don't mean the part where Himena tells Sasha, "If you wanted me to, I would kill your uncle for you tee-hee."

The earlier bits where she has anxiety about if her friends were leaving her was absolutely anxiety-inducing for me, but mostly because... I've had friends like this and we do not mix whatsoever. Personally, I'm the kind of person who needs her space. If I couldn't hang out with someone and they sent me a thousand texts and phone calls: that would be the last time I'd ever talk to them because you bet your ass I'd be afraid of them. The Hiko bits in particular made it hard to watch. It was suffocating!

I think Hiko genuinely loves her, probably. But god. Imagine if he wanted to escape her and was lightly rebuffing her this whole time out of politeness, then he started getting bullied... and then things got worse, and he couldn't escape his bullies or Himena. Then he commits suicide to escape the whole situation. AND THEN SHE BRINGS HIM BACK IN HER FUCKING BRAIN.

This is peak nightmare fuel for me specifically. Being stuck in someone's head. Without my permission. Forever. I'd beg Himena to kill me again a second time, probably.

Oh but to add, I stand by my earlier comments on Himena, that I don't think she's a bad person. Like for me she is terrifying, but that's cause of my own issues specifically. I think she's a person who really needs therapy and validation. I think she's been alone and ostracized and surrounded by fake friends for a long time, and it's led her to a lot of pain. She's so scared of going back into that whirlwind of pain that she's willing to do anything, be anything, as long as she never feels it again. And I think that's a very human thing to feel, whether it means you're scared of losing people or if you're scared of being around them.

I have a few thoughts that she might have Borderline Personality Disorder but... that one can get stigmatized badly and I hate to put that on the character that tried to genocide all of Kamihama at one point. BPD gets enough shit online, I don't want to add on "hey this homicidal character looks like u lol," you know? :/

She also seems very teenager to me, and not just in the manner she speaks. Girl hasn't experienced enough of life yet to realize that sometimes people are just busy and it's not all about you. I mean that in the kindest way possible.

...

Actually, having said that-- you know, there are a loooot of people online who dislike Himena, who act like Hikos. But having met a few of them, they tend to have a lot more in common with Himena than with Hiko-- particularly with that self-centeredness. If you don't talk to them every day, they think you hate them and lash out and want to hate you more. Anything you do is a sign meant for them to interpret. That sort of thing.

It makes me wonder if (some of) the Himena haters look at her and see an aspect of themselves that they don't like.

Anyways, I definitely recommend watching her Magical Girl Story. Some parts of it feel a little exposition-y, but it's all good and it's an interesting dive into her brain. I'd actually be really interested to hear from someone who can relate to her more than I can and what they think of her MGS.

[saintsenara]

Classic: Harmony; Drarry.

A bit niche: James/Sirius; Regulus/Barty Jr.

Tastefully deranged: Voldemort/Barty Jr.; Lily/Bellatrix.

Deranged: Barty Sr./Winky.

Crack: Drapple.

ok, well this is the game that keeps on giving... thank you, anon!

hermione granger/harry potter

i'm afraid to say that i've never read a single piece of harmony all the way through.

i just never see it working unless the characters are changed beyond recognition. harry's conflict-avoidance versus hermione's love of debate is a recipe for disaster, and while i absolutely don't go in for the common anti-harmony argument that harry doesn't like spending time with hermione, it's certainly true that he doesn't pay a huge amount of attention to her and her interests in canon.

all of which is to say, there's a huge potential for drama here, which i would really like, but most harmony is in the vein of "tee hee, ron is so ugly and stupid, harmony is smart and perfect, come darling let us solve world hunger".

and that's not for me.

draco malfoy/harry potter

i fuck with drarry providing draco is the more feral of the two.

i've seen lots of drarry with harry being basically bewitched by draco and... no. draco "i'm keeping tabs on how many times you go to the hospital wing and constantly trying to get your attention from the slytherin table" malfoy is down bad and up to no good. he is not suave and cool.

harry's just there.

sirius black/james potter

canon.

regulus black/barty crouch jr.

i've mentioned a lot that i hate fanon regulus. well i hate fanon barty even more, since he actually has a canon personality.

that is to say, if they're both sweet woobies who didn't realise they'd joined a terrorist organisation, and just wish they could leave the death eaters and teach the world to sing, it's a hard no from me.

if they're both deranged aspiring war criminals with daddy issues, sign me up.

barty crouch jr./lord voldemort

i'm incredibly into it, and will one day publish the wip i have with this very pairing.

lily evans/bellatrix lestrange

i don't love it as a concept, largely because lily has enough drama queens in her life with snape, james, and sirius. she needs someone whose idea of fun isn't running around shrieking and committing murder.

plus, imagine the awkwardness of being lord voldemort's love rival. it couldn't be me.

barty crouch sr./winky

don't have sex with your slaves.

draco malfoy/apple

the apple - a crisp granny smith, since smith is a pureblood name [descended from hufflepuff, don't you know] - is the purest thing draco has ever encountered.

they're a match made in heaven.

[blackcatanna]

Phoenix Wright: Rise from the Ashes OPINIONS

Greetings, Tumblrinos! I have FINALLY aquired the original Ace Attorney trilogy on PC and have just finished the first game. I didn’t have any issues with the first four cases BUT I have a lot of UNANSWERED QUESTIONS about the fifth case, which was not in the original game. There were many things I loved about it (it gave me so much delicious evidence to play with) but I feel like its long, complicated plot had a few more HOLES than I like to see in a game all about finding contradictions and I have to SHOUT MY QUESTIONS/OPINIONS TO THE GREAT TUMBLR VOID so heeeeere we go! :D SPOILERS (duh)!!!

NUMBER ONE: WHY did Gant MURDER NEIL MARSHALL?!??!?

This is never addressed in the game, which I found very odd. This case is, I think, the longest in the main series and yet it ended SO SUDDENLY?!? Gant admitted how he killed Goodman to stop him reopening the case but he never gave a motive for killing poor Marshall AND SO I am left to speculate.

Of course, we know that Gant wanted to control the prosecuters and so it’s reasonable to think that he did it purely to frame Ema and thus get Lana under his thumb. However, he states that his motive for collecting evidence against Ema was simply “insurance” in case the case was examined too closely...? Is he lying? He might lie in order to distance himself from Lana and Goodman’s murder but then he goes and confesses anyway so why would he bother to do that?

Okay, so, murdering Neil worked out pretty well for Gant. He was promoted, Lana was promoted and he had leverage over Lana AND SO it looks like Gant purely wanted to frame Ema and that’s why he killed Neil. HOWEVER, this is still WEIRD AF. 

Okay, so, in order for this to be EVEN REMOTELY PLAUSIBLE, Gant would have to be on the extreme end of murderous psychopathy. To murder your colleague who’s UNCONSCIOUS is just... It’s insane behaviour. He killed Goodman because Goodman was a threat. Marshall was just... THERE. ALSO, he’s have to be a huge hypocrite! Gant says that he did everything because he hates criminals and wants to catch them, no matter what AND YET HE LIFTS UP AN UNCONSCIOUS MAN, IMPALES HIM ON A SWORD AND PATS HIMSELF ON THE BACK FOR CONVICTING DARKE?!?! AND HE SEES NO ISSUES HERE?!?! 

Furthermore, I don’t think that any of this was necessary to convict Darke. Lana seems to think so but it looks like Marshall and Gant had pretty much cracked Darke when he made a run for it. Lana wasn’t there for the interrogation. Not sure how relevant Darke is to Gant’s motivation but it’s interesting that it’s thrown into the MOTIVATION SOUP that we’re presented with.

Therefore, it appears that Gant killed Neil because he believed that it was for the greater good: by controlling both the police and the prosecutors, he would be able to ensure that those he deemed to be guilty would be punished. Fair enough. 

Okay, so, Gant and Lana are about to crack the case. Gant states that he’s already up for his dream job. If they succeed, Lana will be able to become Head Prosecutor. SO all that Gant needs is leverage over Lana. BUT SURELY, she already admires and respects him. They’ve been partners for years. They’ve cracked many cases together. They are the dream team! Pretty sure they even have a name in game like “Dynamic Duo” or something... “Legendary Duo”, thank you, Google. Presumably, Lana trusts Gant. He could give her forged evidence or omit things and she would most likely use it without ever knowing, much like Miles Edgeworth did. 

SO, if Gant hadn’t killed Neil and framed Ema/Darke, Lana would most likely still be Queen Prosecutor and would trust Gant. So, not only did he take a HUGE RISK killing Neil (MORE ON THAT LATER), he also jeopardised the valuable relationship of trust between himself and Lana, replacing it with BLACKMAIL. Perhaps, blackmail might seem like a more solid bond to someone as TWISTED as Gant BUT there are two problems with this blackmail.

FIRSTLY, there is the possibility that the person being blackmailed will SNAP. This doesn’t seem to be a huge risk with Lana. SECONDLY, this blackmail is based on LIES. It potentially becomes USELESS if someone figures out that Ema is not responsible so he’d have to believe that he’d left no traces (so I guess we can add HUBRIS to his list of character flaws). Oh, and this brings up another problem. In order to follow through on his threats to Lana, he’d have to admit that he covered up the truth in the first place! 

Okay, so I have decided that killing Neil didn’t accomplish that much of a REWARD for Gant so let’s look at the RISK. He PICKED UP an unconscious, fully grown man without disturbing the other two unconscious people in the room or Neil himself. The building was full of people for the award ceremony, presumably. To be fair, it took place in Gant’s office and so it’s unlikely that anyone else would walk in but the office had massive windows! 

Although unlikely, the possibilty of someone else witnessing Gant’s murder definitely existed. Furthermore, there was the more likely possibility of someone IN THE ROOM regaining consciousness and catching him in the act. Darke had hit his head, but Ema had merely fainted and I can’t believe that Marshall never regained consciousness while someone cut out a segment from his waistcoat, PICKED HIM UP and SKEWERED HIM ON A SPIKE. I mean, c’mon. Even if you agree that it’s possible that he didn’t get woken up by being impaled, how would Gant be so sure that this wouldn’t happen. 

The more I talk about this, the more questions I have but I MUST SAVE THEM FOR NOW. 

Okay, so Gant walks into the room, sees three unconscious people and thinks, “Gee! I could totally do a murder right now and frame one of these people, tee-hee. OMG if I make it look like Ema did it, Lana will TOTALLY have to do what I say, like, for EVER.” So, Gant does a murder and tries to cover it up but leaves A FRIGGIN’ HUGE OBVIOUS TRAIL BEHIND HIM THAT ANY IDIOT COULD SPOT, HOLY COW. IN FACT, WE’RE GOING TO TALK ABOUT THAT NOW. 

WHY DID NOBODY QUESTION THAT THERE WAS A SQUARE CUT OUT OF MARSHALL’S WAISTCOAT??! THIS IS SO OBVIOSLY HIDING EVIDENCE!!! LANA EVEN HAD A PHOTO OF HIM WITH THE SQUARE MISSING AND A PHOTO OF HIM TAKEN MINUTES BEFORE WITH AN INTACT WAISTCOAT!!! NOBODY THOUGHT TO POINT THIS OUT?!?!?

WHY THE FLYING FUCK WOULD MARSHALL WRITE EMA’S NAME ON THE WOBBLY VASE?!?! This particular piece of evidence didn’t come to light until the current trial but it’s just so stupid! Obviously, Ema didn’t try to kill Marshall. It was an accident. Why would Marshall think, “I must not let this demon child get away with this heinous crime!” and use his last strength to do this nonsense. Furthermore, HE WAS IMPALED ON A SWORD. HE COULDN’T HAVE REACHED THE VASE. HE WAS TOTALLY SKEWERED. 

Speaking of that ugly-ass vase, did none of this top notch investigation team try and piece it together? Presumably, they did. That would bring up the question of the missing piece. Gant, you idiot! No wonder all of the investigators were suspicious. 

I guess that Gant thought he was untouchable and could just shut anything down with his authority but he made such a mess of everything that he was caught out by many people and eventually had to resort to  the ol’ Stabby Stabby just to shut people up. Gant’s supposed to be this brilliant person but he just comes across as an idiot with a TERRIBLE personality. I feel like a lot of Ace Attorney villains slip up because they’re in positions of power and think that they’re untouchable but I think that this is the stupidest one I’ve encountered so far. 

Okay, so, ASTONISHINGLY, Gant’s plan works. He gets away with THE MURDER and now it’s time for some sweet, sweet blackmail... He tells Lana that Ema will be convicted of murder if the truth gets out. Wait, WHAT??!?! HOW!? IN WHAT UNIVERSE COULD EMA BE SEEN TO BE GUILTY OF MURDER. Manslaughter, perhaps but she was acting in self defense! She pushed a guy wielding a knife. I DO NOT BUY THIS AT ALL. It seems likely to me that Lana would still co-operate because she was afraid of letting Ema know that she was responsible for Neil’s death but that seems to me to be the extent of the hold he has over Lana. Lana claims to have sold her soul for this. Does she believe that it’s worth it to spare her sister from the truth? Perhaps.

SO, IN SUMMARY, in order for this to be any kind of plausible, Gant has to be EXTREMELY SOCIOPATHIC, HUBRISTIC, HYPOCRITICAL and brimming with, my favourite, UNFATHOMABLE STUPIDITY! The UNFATHOMABLE STUPIDITY is what I have the biggest problem with. He is supposed to be SMART and CAPABLE. So are the rest of the team assigned to the serial killer case. I just, ugh... It doesn’t make sense... 

NUMBER 2 (finally): WHERE’S THE BLOOD, BITCH?

Why is there so much blood by Lana’s desk in Gant’s office? Neil died on the other side of the room AND YET there is no trace of blood to be found there! I sprayed the HECK out of that suit of armour and there was NOTHING. If Neil was skewered there, he would, PRESUMABLY have bled A LOT. Also when they UN-SKEWERED HIM. In fact, we know that he was coughing up LOADS OF BLOOD while he was skewered, thanks to Lana’s photo. SO, WHY. IS. THERE. NO. BLOOD. THERE. Presumably, Gant had the office thoroughly cleaned in the TWO YEARS since the incident but, then, why can I still see blood in Lana’s half? And surely there would have been blood traces there two years ago when this, ALLEGEDLY, UBER-COMPETANT TEAM investigated? 

Number 3: WHY THE EVERLOVING FLYING FUCK did the police decide that Goodman had been MURDERED in the evidence room?!??!

What did the police find to lead them to believe that a murder had been committed?!? They had a video showing someone dressed like Goodman entering the evidence room, followed by that annoying af megaphone guy, who got beaten up, cut on the hand and knocked unconscious. THAT’S NOT A MURDER. NOBODY DIED. THERE WAS NOTHING TO INDICATE THAT A MURDER HAD TAKEN PLACE! WHY WOULD THEY REPORT IT AS A MURDER, LET ALONE GOODMAN’S MURDER!!?!? THIS MAKES ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE!?! 

Furthermore, WHY WOULD THEY HAVE MEEKUMS DELIVER THE REPORT TO EDGEY BOY WHEN HE WAS THE ONE THEY SOMEHOW DECIDED WAS THE MURDERER?!?!? At the time, I thought that Gant sent Meekums or whatever his name was (cba to look it up because he was SO ANNOYING) because he knew that Edgeworth would ignore him because he was so annoying and he’d be able to make Edgeworth look bad in court later. But, seriously, what was even in that file? There was no murder!!! If Gant was trying to throw us off, why would he draw our attention to the evidence room and the two-year-old case?!? Whyyyyyyyy!?!?

Tbh, I have no explanation for any of this. IT DOES. NOT. COMPUTE. 

THING THE FOURTH: Why was Lana’s hand not bleeding in Angel’s photo?

Lana says that she cut her hand because she was shaking while stabbing Goodman’s corpse. YET, Angel’s photo VERY CLEARLY shows her without any injury. Angel ran down to the car park because she saw Lana stabbing Goodman. Therefore, by the time Angel took the photo, Lana must have already stabbed the guy. Also, Angel states that she saw Lana stab Goodman repeatedly and that she was wearing a muffler. So, the stabbity stabbity must have happened before the photo was taken. 

Question the Fifth: Who the Hell calls an exhaust pipe a “muffler”?!?!

Well, I just googled it and it’s something that reduces noise coming from the exhaust pipe. Yay learning!

Question the Sixth: Why did the cameras not catch Gant giving Goodman the old stabby stabby? 

Presumably, Gant erased the footage immediately after exiting the room but this was never addressed, for some reason. I guess it was already a long af case but I like details, dammit!

7: How did Gant clean up so quickly?!?

Bruce Goodman died of bloodloss. That’s A LOT of blood to clean up! He summoned Edgeworth to the room to collect the screwdriver only 20 minutes after he himself first entered the evidence room with Goodman. In those twenty minutes, he must have had the fight with Goodman, waited for him to stop bleeding, moved the body, stuffed it into Edgeworth’s trunk, found cleaning products, mopped up ALL THE BLOOD from a guy who DIED OF BLOODLOSS, hiden whatever it was that soaked up the blood (slorp), erased the video footage and somehow not got ANY BLOOD on himself and WASN’T SEEN by ANYONE stuffing a body into a car ON THE DAY OF DATA TRANSFERENCE!?!? HOW?!

8: Seriously, how many identical white detective coats are there?!?!

Marshall wears one to impersonate Goodman, Goodman is wearing one when he is MURDERED, Lana is wearing one in Angel’s photo and, weirdly, it has a bloodstain on it in the same place that Marshall’s one does. However, we can still see Marshall’s costume coat sticking out of his locker. WEIRD. 

SO YEAH

This concludes my list of puzzling things in this episode! There are probably more random things that I’ve forgotten but, in that case, they can’t be bugging me too much. What really IRKS me is the question of the “murder” in the evidence room and how UNFATHOMABLY STUPID everyone, especially Gant was 2 years ago. These two things just make the episode feel a bit incomplete to me. I admire the ambition of this episode but I feel like some things slipped through the cracks and left my brain aching for the wrong reasons.

[pinayelf-archive]

OC interview - Imryll

The awesomest @veridium-bye​ tagged me in this some time ago but now I have time to finally dO IT. Thank you Veri <333333

Also please pretend this is her writing answers to an interview Varric wrote for her, it’s the only way to explain the hearts and faces lmao I NEEDED TO ADD THOSE OKAY

name ➔ Imryll Ilao Bahaghari Lavellan. It’s really long, I know! I don’t think I’ve ever been able to say it in one breath. 

are you single ➔ I’m in love :3c

are you happy ➔ That’s too general, I think? I’m happy about some things and not about other things. 

are you angry ➔ Again, too general. Though yes, I do find myself angry about certain things. are your parents still married ➔ Married is the human term - we Dalish bond. And yes they are still bonded ^_^

NINE FACTS

birthplace ➔ Seheron, and Mythalenaste do I miss it sometimes. Despite it being such a dangerous place at the moment for elves. hair color ➔ Black. I’ve seen Varric write down “raven-haired” in one of his drafts. I quite like that. eye color ➔ They’re black as well! Which I didn’t know was a rare thing until my clan moved South.  birthday ➔ My mamae can’t remember the day, but knows it was in Firstall, 9:16 Dragon. mood ➔  Anxious, if I’m being honest :c gender ➔ I am woman. Though gender is such a silly thing to us Dalish, well in the way humans see it sometimes.  summer or winter ➔  Summer. Oh creators, my eyes are tearing just from thinking about the summers in Seheron. The ones down here are not nearly as warm or as bright. Many would probably find the heat suffocating but I adore it. I absolutely adore it.

morning or afternoon ➔ Mornings are gorgeous and I love it when I’m awake early enough to see the sunset. But alas, sleep is more beautiful so noon awaits me.

EIGHT THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE

are you in love ➔ Yes yes yes yes Y E S <3 do you believe in love at first sight ➔ Hm...I believe you can feel something very strongly when you see that someone. But whether or not it prospers is on you. 

who ended your last relationship ➔ Um. Uh...her death. I don’t like speaking about it much. have you ever broken someone’s heart ➔ Oh dear, I hope not D: are you afraid of commitments ➔ No! If you’re willing so am I <3

have you hugged someone within the last week? ➔ Of course! I just gave Varric a hug after he handed me this to fill out :3 have you ever had a secret admirer ➔ Not that I was ever aware of! have you ever broken your own heart? ➔ Not when it came to romantic love, but when it comes to other things :c Not a lovely or ideal feeling at all.

SIX CHOICES

love or lust ➔ LOVE <3 But lust isn’t bad at all tee-hee. lemonade or iced tea ➔ I adore tea, but I miss this citrusy drink I used to have back in Seheron. It wasn’t lemons, they were small lemon-looking things but green. I’ll have to ask my Papae what they were the next time I write. cats or dogs ➔ I’ve never had a dog and I’ve only had a cat since I’ve joined the Inquisition, so it wouldn’t be fair of my to judge. I love rabbits however :3 I’ve had a few growing up. 

a few best friends or many regular friends ➔ A few best friends. I feel it rather exhausting having to spread myself thin - although please, anyone who has a lot of friends don’t take that the wrong way. I feel a lot...comfortable and safer with few close people.  wild night out or romantic night in ➔ Romantic night in. Anything cozy is good to me. Especially when being held in someones arms <3 day or night ➔ Day. I love the sun. So MUCH.

FIVE HAVE YOU EVERS

been caught sneaking out ➔ Sneaking out is such a funny term to me. You can’t really sneak out of camp? The Keeper always called it walking off and gallivanting. 

Not much to be honest, and most of those times either Tala somehow convinced me or Danae and I followed Tala to make sure she didn’t do anything stupid.

fallen down/up the stairs ➔ I’ve not met many stairs in my life, but there’s been a few hills that weren’t very kind to me :c wanted something/someone so badly it hurt? ➔ Yes. From the very beginning of this all the only thing I’ve wanted is to go home to tell the absolute truth. And I still DO. wanted to disappear ➔ Anytime I’m around Orlesians. Or noble shems. Or when I eventually have to face Corypheus :c

FOUR PREFERENCES

smile or eyes ➔ Eyes. Especially if they’re golden amber and warm. shorter or taller ➔ Haha, I think most people are taller than me. intelligence or attraction ➔ Am I allowed to say kindness? I think kindness trumps both of these things for me. hook-up or relationship ➔ Relationship. I am far too anxious for a fling. 

FAMILY

do you and your family get along ➔ Yes, we’ve recently managed to close old wounds <3 And I’ve found my brother again. would you say you have a “messed up life” ➔ I wouldn’t say so. Not until the Conclave :/ have you ever ran away from home ➔ I suppose the closest is me agreeing to go to the Conclave. I regret that sometimes, actually.

have you ever gotten kicked out ➔ Tevinter and the Qunari sort of kicked us out of Seheron if you really think about it. :/

FRIENDS

do you secretly hate one of your friends ➔ Of COURSE NOT. Anyway, making friends with someone I despise takes too much energy and work. do you consider all of your friends good friends ➔ Yes ^_^ who is your best friend ➔ This is rude! I can’t just pick one.  who knows everything about you ➔ Right now? Sera and Cullen probably. Though I have a feeling so does Leliana haha. Oooh I hope she doesn’t read this.

[temeraaires-blog]

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Season 2 Song Starters

SUPER long post and some  a lot of these are nsfw. Feel free to change pronouns/names/do whatever. 

Theme Song

I’m just a girl in love.

I can’t be held responsible for my actions.

I have no underlying issues to address.

They say love makes you crazy.

Love Kernels

I can live for days off a single “you really listen to me.”

I’m like a sexy fashion cactus.

But how do I know he loves me?

I guess the only way to prove it is through abstract symbolism.

He gives me love kernels.

If you read between the lines he’s saying “I love you.”

I’m the most important person in his life, next to his friend.

God, I’m thirsty after all that popcorn.

Whatever you got, baby, I’ll take it, baby.

Your house smells like lemon.

I’ll take it.

It’s a stretch but I’ll take that too.

______ is now played by a broom on a stand.

We’ll do our best with what we have.

We Should Definitely Not Have Sex Right Now

We should definitely not have sex right now.

I need time to reflect.

I’m in a really weird place.

There’s no reason to have sex again. But I’ll be ready to go again in ten.

Maybe This Dream

When I was a little girl, I felt like a princess.

I thought my dreams would come true, but then as I grew, the world was all like, "Nope.”

Maybe this dream won’t end in disgrace.

Maybe this dream is in reach.

Maybe this dream won’t be like my vibrator, breaking when I need it most.

Maybe this dream will finally me feel like I deserve a dream.

Greg’s Drinking Song

There’s joy and there’s glory more than you can think.

Yes, this is what happens to me when I drink.

I pee my pants!

Wow, I did not know it was that bad.

Chase down the regret with some gin for good luck.

I puke on my cat.

Poor little ____ did not expect that.

What happens when, I try to have one it just turns into ten.

That wasn’t a woman?

No, it was a bush.

So that’s where that scar comes from!

But he’s breaking his cycle and making a push!

He’s quitting his drinking.

I Could If I Wanted To (Reprise)

Whoop de frickin’ do.

My best friend is sleeping with my ex behind my back.

Who cares? I don’t.

But I could if I wanted---

Ping Pong Girl

Sports!

I could tell she’s the most perfect girl who’s ever existed.

Oh man, look at her pong that ping.

She does it for herself and that puts my fears to rest.

BRO!

She’s so aloof it borders on cold. And that’s what makes me want her.

Nothing’s hotter than a chick who’s good at sports.

She scored a thousand points!

I think I love her.

Ping pong shows she has control of her body, but it doesn’t threaten my masculinity like basketball or hockey.

She’s like Serena or Venus

She’s so indifferent. It makes me want a tangible commitment.

The Math of Love Triangles

What’s a girl to do when she’s stuck between men?

I wasn’t really listening

The center of the triangle is little ol’ me!

So I need to decide which man’s more acute.

Those are good puns, but please pay attention.

We’re starting to suspect you don’t sincerely want to know about triangles.

Is this a triangle?

No that’s a shoe.

No that’s you.

So I’m a triangle?

What? No!

Ooh, are you erect?

That’s really erect!

We’re tired of all your tangents.

You all deserve a kiss.

Lady, we’re all gay. We get nothing out of this.

It Was a Shit Show

I love you, yes.

The thought of staying is so enticing.

Then stay.

When you speak, my knees get weak.

I can’t believe what I’m sacrificing.

But let’s get real. We know the deal.

Darling, let’s not tiptoe.

This thing we had was not just bad. It was a shitshow.

We can’t undo, can’t make amends.

Disfunction is our lingua franca.

We can’t unscrew each other’s friends.

There’s hard to get, then there’s neglect.

To say it’s fate, you’d have to be a bit slow.

Not to be crass, but this sucked ass.

This was a shitshow.

We have chemistry, of course. But that’s a formula for divorce.

Oh what the hell, let’s get a hotel.

Life is short, and we’re not getting any younger.

But after sex what happens next...I mean, in the long run. Not just fatigue and hunger...

And when you say that I should stay, that’s exactly when I should split, though.

Though I won’t forget, I won’t regret.

Though I won’t forget, I won’t regret this beautiful, heart-stopping, breathtaking, life-changing…..

We Tapped That Ass

We tapped that ass all over this house.

Sometimes him. Sometimes me. Though never simultaneously.

But one of us was hitting it, usually.

That bed is really uncomfortable!

Right? It’s like a prison cot!

What? Too cheeky?

A little to the left/right

Wait! No, you’re doing it wrong. I’ll do it myself!

Barkeep! What’s on tap?

How much more tapping could one ass endure?

Thought Bubbles

Well, I don’t mind being alone.

I’m not afraid of what enters my mind when I’m so low.

I’m perfectly capable of taking of advantage of this time.

No, I don’t mind being alone with my thoughts.

That’s a bad thought!

I don’t like that thought!

What happens if I go to hell?

Chill out.

If I can’t hit the gym how will I ever be a good father?

Friendtopia

When my friends and I stick together there’s nothing we can’t do.

I specifically mean we’re going to stage a coup.

Squad goals!

A dystopia around our friendship

There’s a really exclusive sushi place that never lets us in.

Let’s just go home and drink rose.

I put drugs in the water supply.

Aww, I love Hocus Pocus.

Zig-a-zow!

Stuck in the Bathroom

Get me out of here!

Tonight was already super weird and now [you’re/she’s/he’s] stuck in the bathroom.

I have a deceptive amount of muscular strength thanks to my amazing core.

Her little bird arms aren’t going to do anything!

Whoever renovated this house did a terrible job!

I can’t believe it took us that long to come up with the most obvious solution.

Research Me Obsessively

Hey, what are you doing for the next, like, thirteen hours?

Don't do anything healthy. Don't be productive. Give in to your desire.

Find out everything you can about me

You Go First

We used to be there for each other, every second

I really wanna tell you that I'm sorry!

I really wanna tell you that I am the worst!

I just want to say I miss you every day!

This is almost entirely all my fault here. But you gotta admit it's just a tiny bit your fault too.

Sometimes you can be really passive aggressive!

Sometimes you can be really self-involved.

Go ahead and say you're kind of sorry! So I can say "Oh, no, no, no, please!” Just like I rehearsed!

If you open the door, I'll apologize so much more.

[But] You go first!

So Maternal

Parenting ain’t harrowing, demanding or traumatic!

Step aside ladies, give your babies to a Carol Brady level matriarch.

Low expectations - Raise ‘em up!

You know, I guess I just instinctively get how to be a mom and that's what sets me apart from other "mothers."

Damn, I’m so maternal!

Duh!

Duh! What was I thinking?

Can’t believe I couldn’t see it all along.

Don’t know what was going through my mind!

I’m just like -- ugh! God, I’m so stupid.

Looking back on old times. Like that one time. And that other time.

It’s so obvious!

Duh!

Who’s the New Guy?

Who's the new guy? I don't trust him

Do we really need a new guy this far into the season? And by "far into the season" I mean it's almost fall.

He's suspiciously good looking. In ways that normal people are not

Is this someone new we're gonna have to grow to care about?

Why should we root for someone male, straight and white?

We’ll Never Have Problems Again

We’ll never have problems again!

It's only smooth, smooth sailing from now on…

We used to have problems but now they're gone.

Do you remember, back when we had problems?

Man, that was annoying.

But now our love has magically solved [our problems].

And there won't be any more [problems] in our future at all!

Fine. I guess I’ll just Soul Train out of here.

The first test failed but that’s ‘cause it wasn’t true love. 

They say obsession biologically lasts four years at most but science doesn't apply to us.

Remember That We Suffered

But before you feel too great...remember that we suffered!

But we sing in a minor key to remember that we suffered!

Being happy is selfish!

You have no idea what pain is!

When I say 'we' you say 'suffered'!

Santa Ana Winds

Hello there, it's me.

I make things weird

That's science for "a pain in your asses"

They just got Santa Ana winded!

I'm a prankster. Tee-hee-hee-hee.

I just wanna see what will happen

You're looking really guilty

That kiss was all your fault!

I just reveal your deepest wishes and fears

So it's you, ________. It's not me who is super weird.

You ruined everything.

Let’s Have Intercourse

Unfortunately, I want to have sex with you

I don't know what happened

For some reason, you're now on the top of my to-do list

Let's get this over with so I can focus on other tasks

Just pretend I'm seducing you

Let's quickly have intercourse so I can move on with my life

Once we do it, it'll be like “Well, that's what that was like.”

I mean, obviously you want to, too

Just super quickly have intercourse

Sometimes my body wants things that my mind does not

My body wants things that make my mind go, "Uh, body, what?"

We're animals It's unfortunate.

So come on, let's contortion it!

I won't be back to normal till I see what your nipples look like.

Until we stop wasting time talking 'bout it and we super quickly, it'll only take a second, have intercourse.

Good thing I happen to have an old condom In my wallet

You’re My Best Friend (And I Know I’m Not Yours)

You’re my best friend, and I know I’m not yours.

And that’s okay.

I’m not your best friend.

I’m okay.

Friendship doesn’t have to be a two-way street.

I don’t need a shoulder to cry!

Your best friend is somebody else. But I get it.

I love you like a sister and you love me like a second cousin.

I said it’s okay! Really!

Man Nap

It’s a man nap!

Time to nap like a man!

Life is so tiring when you’re a man.

It’s exhausting being so damn strong.

‘Cause when a man gets older, his testosterone starts getting low.

Tell Me I’m Okay, Patrick

You represent the outside world because you don’t know me.

No pressure, but I seriously need to know.

‘Cause I think I’m fine ______, but I’m only, like, forty-three percent sure.

I’m sorry that I yelled.

Tell me I’m okay.

Period Sex

It’s period sex.

Put down a towel, party till it’s dry.

Are those sheets expensive?

I’ll Venmo you back for your sheets.

I hope you can get those sheets again.

What a Rush to be a Bride

Can you believe you snagged him?

Forever you will have him standing right there by your side.

I’ve been picturing this day since I’ve been a little girl.

Why veer from the classics?

Rebecca’s Reprise

You’ve gotten everything you’ve ever wanted.

It turns out magic exists.

Everything in the past will just fade away.

I’ll never have problems again.