#I love Billy’s awful southern accent

[billysgun]

your girl

billy the kid x cowgirl!reader |requested!|Ciara is a childhood friend turned lover one drunken night...he lives with the consequence daily and now, with his eyes set on you, you do too.|

"how 'bout this one?" Ciara smiles, curls bouncing as she picks up an obviously rotten fruit

"mm, it looks ripe!" Billy smiles back at her as she lets out a soft laugh, placing the moldy fruit down as her painted nails skim the apples

"can 'ya check over there for some oranges, there in season" she purses her lips before pointing down ways way, he nods and passes through civilians before finding the citrus

well, not just the citrus.

your hair was out of the bun you usually kept it in, he knows because it's tucked under the cowboy hat you usually have cemented on when you ride.

he saw your horse when they walked in but he only prayed he'd be able to see you.

you're Jesse's sister. he's been riding with you since he can remember and also felt his heart race around you since he can remember

all this time and he's only stuttered a few words to you.

"sir, are you gonna buy that?" the cart owner asks and he shakes his head to get you out of it, flipping a coin to the owner as he takes the orange he'd been gripping for a few minutes.

he loves Ciara...but he doesn't love her.

they were friends until a drunken mistake and awoke no longer virgins and suddenly a couple.

he hates himself for it. taking her virginity when he had more whiskey than blood in him and now he pays the price with this relationship they never questioned.

he assumed the pet names and touches would stop after a few weeks, but then he heard from the townspeople that they were together.

he'd go up to her and tell her...but he feels too guilty. and now you're here and he can't think straight

"Hey Billy" your southern accent rings through his ears and he turns to see you, hand on your gunbelt and a smile on your lips. he can feel his face burn at the sight

"hey, Y/n. what 'cha doin' here?"

"gettin' food." you snort out the obvious and he shakes his head, feeling like an idiot around you

"I assume you doin' the same with your girl?" you tilt your hat toward Ciara.

even you knew about this.

"uh- yeah, I am- we are..." he corrects, staring at the sand beneath him as you let out a giggle that always makes him smile

"well, I'll see you back at the cabin" you grin before spinning on your boots and walking back toward your horse, he wants to punch himself...but when he turns to see an awaiting Ciara, he wants to punch himself even more.

"Billy!" she calls out, he makes his way toward her, but after he turns and gets one last look at you.

an: thank you for requesting! I already talked about this, but I'll reiterate it again...because billys character would 100% break it to Ciara that he doesn't love her, but because he took something irreplaceable from her and she loves him he just feels too guilty. and he's also a mess around y/n because he knows it's awful to feel the way he feels about you, but he can't help it. SO, that's why he might seem a little ooc!! <333 ilysm! <333

[driverlando]

Heyy, is like to request a 💍 please! Also, CONGRATS ON 2K SO DESERVED BABES 💕

This is low-key hard but I'll try my best.

I'm a pretty outgoing person, really talkative and one of the biggest compliments I've ever gotten is that when talking to someone I make them feel really comfortable and help pull even shy people out of their shell. I've been called pretty charming and overall just sympathetic and a decent human. I like to think I'm pretty smart but I'm also extroverted (bad combo) so when I think I'm just trying to tell people interesting stuff, I tend to come off a bit cocky and arrogant. I will admit, I'm a tad bit narsicistic (is that how you spell it??) but I'm working on it, I swear! I'm from the U.S. south, so charm comes with the accent and the trucks. I enjoy listening to music and I like a bit of everything. I love Billy Joel, Zach Bryan, Jack Harlow, and Rihanna. I love travelling and meeting people from different places and one of my greatest skills is probably my lingustics. I pick up languages really easily and am proud to say that I know decent pieces of almost a dozen languages, varying levels of course. I'm pretty much fluent in Spanish, Italian, and Croatian, with a close skill in Dutch and Korean. I've been trying to learn some more Portugese but I'm really busy so it's hard to work as much as I want. However, I have a heavy southern drawl so that makes every language sound a bit weird. I love cooking and have been told I'm pretty good at drawing. I'm quite athletic and enjoy playing sports or even just backyard games with friends and family even though I tend to get a bit too competitive. I am very family oriented and have lots of pets, including a couple farm animals. I've been into F1 since I was a kid, along with basketball, baseball and American football.

Hope this wasn't as much of a mess as it seems to me, congrats again!!

THANK YOU LOVEEE!! I appreciate it sm 💘💘

I feel like Danny Ric would be your perfect match. you both have outgoing and charismatic personalities and enjoy making people feel comfortable (the best type of people honestly). and I can just imagine the jokes you two would share, you’d both be making eachother laugh practically all day long lmao. like your banter would be top tier for sure. I feel like he could be competitive too and that’d definitely make game nights at your house super interesting, it’d be so funny and entertaining fighting over a game. he’d also be in awe of you, and your language skills, I feel like he’d ask you to teach him and it’d just be super sweet. and you’d both visit all those sports games together and you could be his plus one to the met gala 😌

[harlowcharlton]

“Really? You a Texas boy?” Harlow asked, the smile apparent in his voice.

For Harlow, home meant a lot of different things. It was his little apartment, his walls covered with pictures of his loved ones. It was even the smell of coffee at A Novel Idea, and the sound of hooves beating in anticipation whenever he made his way up to the stables. It was Laurel’s name appearing on his phone, and Rosie, wherever she was, even if she didn’t have time to answer his calls. But nothing really beat the feeling of actually going home. Harlow missed Texas something fierce, so the more the other man talked, the more Harlow felt drawn to his easy cadence.

“Your Simon?” Harlow asked, his eyebrow raised at the casual term of endearment. Simon hadn’t said anything about having a boyfriend, never mind a gorgeous, older boyfriend with an accent that made Harlow feel like butter sliding over warm toast. In fact, everyone was kind of under the impression Simon and Billy were due a get-together any time now. Harlow didn’t wanna seem mercenary, but money had certainly passed hands, Katie and himself placing bets on just who would come to their senses first. Harlow wasn’t quite sure how they’d divvy up the money if it turned out Simon was interested in another man altogether.

“Simon didn’t tell me he had a boyfriend.” Harlow said, letting out a low, long whistle. “Lucky Simon!”

Tucking up the collar of his jacket to avoid the biting wind, Harlow decided he might as well get to work. He was used to lugging around weight, bales of hay at the stables, taking in the delivery every day with Billy, boxes and boxes of heavy books. Hefting the weight of a box into his arms, Harlow balanced the box onto his side, cocking his hip to create a perch, while the other reached out to envelop his new friend’s hand in a quick, firm shake. Harlow had always been a sucker for nice hands, and tried not to melt immediately as the two introduced themselves.

“Aw, why thank you.” Harlow preened under Maverick’s compliment, ducking his head so his new companion couldn’t see the blush creeping its way up the Southerner’s neck. “Momma thought I was gonna be a girl. Loved Jean Harlow, you see?”

If Harlow had had to, he wouldn’t have been able to guess that the man stood before him was a Maverick of any sort. It brought to mind those Top Gear movies Laurel had liked, somehow so firm in their masculinity and yet extremely homoerotic. The furthest thing from a sweet man with big, puppy-dog eyes shaping the minds of tomorrow’s youth. And yet, it felt right.

“I like Maverick.” He chirped, suddenly remembering that he was still holding onto the man’s hand, shaking it up and down, over and over. He dropped it with a flustered giggle, bringing his hand to close over the box still balanced on his hip, hauling it back up from where it had slipped from his grasp slightly.

“Course I am! So, where’d you want them, Mav?” he asked, the nickname slipping easily from his lips, almost subconsciously. It hadn’t even occurred to him to ask if he liked nicknames - Harlow just tossed them out easily. “Not so young anymore, but I can pull my weight, don’t you worry about that!”

Harlow wanted to be stupid suddenly, chivalrous, offer to take in all the boxes by himself. He wasn’t one for showy displays of masculinity, throwing his weight around, however, so instead accepted Maverick’s offer with a small smile on his face. He tried not to stare at his ass, tightly clad in jeans as it was, as he bent over, instead averting his gaze to the school ahead.

“Not much to tell.” Harlow shrugged, slowly making his way up the school stairs, glancing over his shoulder to make sure Maverick was behind him. After all, Harlow didn’t know where he was going.

“Grew up in Houston, lived there my whole life up until about fifteen years ago. Put down roots in the big apple, I still go home on the regular.” Harlow drawled, following Maverick into the long school corridor. It was cute, quaint, with colourful drawings on the wall from the kids and classrooms bearing the teacher’s names. It reminded Harlow of going to Rosie’s school, doing the drop offs or attending parents evenings all those years ago.

“What about you, though? Where’s that accent from? Same place as you, I guess.”

When the handsome gent dipped his Stenson in Maverick’s direction, he couldn’t help but feel a little weak at the knees. Had he been 17 and still under his father’s thumb, the gesture might have had quite the opposite effect on him – the sight of anything that reminded him even vaguely of the life he’d left behind had made Maverick uneasy for a couple of years – but as sure as the sky was blue, Mav’s tummy was doing somersaults.  

“Well gee, you must be pullin’ my leg!” Maverick exclaimed as he heard the other man’s accent. Much like the Stenson, the steady cadence of the man’s accent instilled both a sense of nostalgia and something more within Mav, and he found himself smiling wildly, desperate to learn more. “I surely think you might be from my neck o’the woods!” 

There was a cold chill in the air, on account of the wintery day, but Maverick felt flushed from the tips of his toes all the way up to his hairline! He blushed under the weight of the other man’s smile, watching with rosy cheeks as he fanned himself, a bead of sweat dripping down his throat. 

"By golly, it surely is my lucky day. A man as handsome as yourself delivering my kiddos a mountain of books, and you happen to know my Simon? I surely am spoiled today, aren't I, mister?" Maverick beamed, the words spilling from his lips before he could think better of them. 

While Maverick liked to think of himself as a little wiser with age, his years bringing a certain level of savvy, he had never quite worked out how to act sensible in the presence of a pretty face. He found, more often than not, that he was blushing and beaming whenever faced with Simon and Billy – the combined force of their gorgeous faces and palpable sexual tension was enough to send him spiraling for days – and any time he was sat across from Rafferty, his stomach appeared to wrap itself into knots so precise they’d rival that of a boy scout. 

“Harlow - now isn’t that just the prettiest name?” Maverick found himself responding, barely thinking better of his word choice. With a shy smile, he ducked his head, offering his own hand up for Harlow to shake. His grip was firm, strong, and the teacher suddenly thought he might be in need of a very cold shower. “How do you do, Harlow. The name’s Maverick and it’s a mighty pleasure to meet you!” 

He wondered if perhaps he should be more cautious about so openly complimenting strangers. Openly gay as he was, Maverick had never had any qualms about complimenting men - or, for that matter, anybody of any gender – and rarely thought too long and hard about whether or not the receiver might be offended. He knew that toxic masculinity was a thing – had come face-to-face with it at its ugliest while living in Texas – but he tended to forget that many straight men squirmed under the weight of niceties from queer men. Personally, he thought it was nice to spread a little joy and cheer, and what better way than to boost the confidence of those around him and ensure they felt loved and appreciated in whatever way he could offer them in that moment.  

He deliberated over it for only a moment before deciding that Harlow knew Simon – and, by association, if he knew of Billy McHale's infatuation with his beautiful friend – then he likely wouldn’t be too bothered. Besides, enough visits to A Novel Idea would make it clear to anybody that vibrant queerness appeared to be a very important detail in Billy’s hiring criteria – not that he liked to make assumptions about the man before him, but he liked to believe he was at least an enthusiastic ally. 

"Well, cripes, you're gonna help me lug these on inside?" Maverick queried, delighting at the implication of his offer. "I suppose it would be mighty silly of me to turn down the help of a strapping young man such as yourself!" 

Shifting his weight, Maverick clumsily stepped over the smaller bulk of the boxes and shimmied his way around the stack so that he was now shoulder-to-shoulder with Harlow. Tipping his head sideways to smile at the other man, he caught a whiff of his scent and felt suddenly dizzy with desire. Perhaps his brief dalliance with Simon had unlocked something from within – he'd gone an awfully long time without so much as a peck on the lips, never mind something more, and now he seemed to find himself giddy anytime a handsome man looked his way.  

“How about I lead the way,” he started, slowly bending his knees as he reached down to slip his fingers under the large box at his feet. He’d suffered enough back pain to last him a lifetime, so he was sure to be careful when lifting now. “And while I walk, you tell me a li’l more about that darlin' accent o’yours?” 

[fernweh-writes]

Hey, can I maybe request the slasher with an S/O that is a native German speaker and that she has a hard time speaking English? Or just a s/o that isn’t a native English speaker?

Like she can understand English really good but when she has to speak she begins to stutter and maybe how she pronouns words is kinda wrong? And that she is really insecure about it and her accent and afraid that it’s not understandable what she says?

I already say thank you really much!!💕

I’m always more than happy to write wholesome slasher hc’s! Hopefully I titled this correctly, if not please correct me.

-Fern🌿

Slashers x Non Native English Speaker

Michael Meyers

This boy is not fazed by anything ever, reacts to nothing. It’s safe to say his poker face is absolutely unmatched. You won’t have to worry about weird looks or an annoyed response from Michael.

His patience is also unmatched. All that stalking takes time you know. So he’s more than okay with giving you time to say things correctly if you need it. In other words, it’s okay take your time.

Always makes sure to nod so that you know he heard what you said and understands you. Secretly enjoys hearing you to talk and thinks your accent is endearing. He makes sure to let you know he’s paying attention so that you’ll keep talking.

Of course, Michael isn’t very affectionate and is overall kinda awkward. He is good at reading you though and can pick up on the fact you’re insecure about he way you talk. Expect some awkward head patting whenever you get frustrated when trying to pronounce something correctly.

If you hate being corrected though then Michael is your perfect match. He doesn’t talk so he’s never going to say anything about it. Wouldn’t correct you even if he was talkative though.

Anyone at work giving you a hard time about your accent and stuttering at work? Oh, they turned up missing and were later found dead? That is truly unfortunate, who knows how that happened, that’s so weird.

Bo Sinclair

He’s an ass, it’s in his nature to tease you for your accent and stuttering. Bo would spontaneously combust if he wasn’t able to pick at you. It’s all lighthearted teasing though, so don’t take any of it to heart.

However, if someone else teases you about the way you talk well… they’ll be beyond Vincent’s repair to put it lightly. Refuses to have someone who makes fun of you immortalized in his town.

Bo also has that thick southern accent which means you can tease him right back. Oh you didn’t pronounce something correctly? Well at least you don’t say ya’ll’d’ve. (Means ya’ll would have for those who might not know)

Southerners just take every word and find a way to shorten them or shove them together so you have plenty to make fun of him for. Although he finds it funny when you try to mock his accent.

Bo would rather die than admit it but he does find your accent and stutter cute. He’s also entertained by the way you try to pronounce things from time to time and can’t help but to laugh at you with you.

Vincent Sinclair

He’s pretty indifferent about the whole thing. If you can respect the fact he can’t talk, then he can respect the way that you do talk.

Is always quick to reassure you that there’s no need to be insecure or embarrassed about your accent or mispronounced words. He doesn’t want you to think you’re inconveniencing him in any way because you’re not.

If he can deal with his brothers ridiculous accents then what makes you think that he can’t deal with your accent. You probably pronounce more accurately than Bo or Lester could ever dream of.

Bo is teasing you? Vincent dares him to say royal. Go on Bo, say it since your such a scholar, go on, do it. Bo will never make fun of you again.

Vincent is very patient and encourages you to take all the time that you need to say things right. He’s not going to rush you, it’s not like life is busy in the little town. Even if he’s busy with work he has plenty of time to listen.

Having someone just sit and talk to him while he works is refreshing. Please just sit and talk to him about everything and nothing, he adores it.

Brahms Heelshire

Brahms has plenty of free time and plenty of lessons. Honestly, I would be surprised if he didn’t know a few phrases in at least one different language.

Would be more than happy to learn your native language if you’re willing to teach him. Brahms is smarter than you would think and is quick to pick up at least a few phrases. Immediately wants you to teach him how to say I love you in your language though.

Also just likes to hear you speak in your native language. He may not understand it, but he thinks it sounds pretty nonetheless.

“Be good to him and he will be good to you.” If you’ve been good to him he’ll be patient and kind to you. Doesn’t mind the way you might trip over words or mispronounce them. His patience will only wear thin when he’s upset with you but even then he’ll normally just shut himself back into the walls.

The Heelshire mansion is full of books and you’re expected to read to Brahms every day. Once Brahms reveals himself he uses the time you read to him as an opportunity to teach you how to pronounce words correctly. He makes sure to be polite when correcting you since you’ve been so sweet to him.

Thomas Hewitt

He enjoys just listening to you talk to him. It doesn’t matter what you talk to him about, he simply enjoys the company and loves that you’re able to fill the silence.

Won’t allow any of his other family members to even mention anything about the way you talk. He remembers how much he hated being made fun of for his appearance and refuses to let anyone ever make you feel that way, especially his own family.

Of course, Luda Mae is more than patient with you. You make her son happy so she’ll make sure that you feel comfortable and at home in the Hewitt household.

Thomas always seems to be able to understand you. Maybe it’s the fact he doesn’t talk that makes him able to understand others really well. You can always pick up on what he means just by gestures and expressions and he can do the same for your mispronounced words.

Makes sure to let you know that he finds the way you talk adorable. Honestly, he’s in awe of just about anything you do. Thomas loves you to much to ever view you in a negative light.

Billy Loomis

He has a habit of always correcting you when you mispronounce words which can get old pretty fast. Billy doesn’t mean for it to be rude but his attitude always makes the way he corrects you to seem like an insult.

Would probably act like he can’t understand you sometimes because he simply thinks that it’s funny. No one said that Billy was ever a nice person.

Although he’s allowed to make fun of you, anyone else who tries will quickly become his next victim. You’re his to make fun of anyone else who tries must have a death wish.

Does his best to be considerate if you tell him that you’re insecure about your accent and the way you trip over words sometimes. He’s not the best with emotions or making people feel better but he’ll make sure that you know it doesn’t bother him.

Feels bad if he ever makes you feel bad. Billy does have a tendency to go to far even though he’s better at reading the room than Stu could ever be.

Stu Macher

You thought Billy was bad about the teasing? Stu really doesn’t know when to stop joking around and be serious for once. For a serial killer you’d think he’d be better at reading people, but Stu does a terrible job of it. Takes the teasing way to far.

When he finally figures out he’’s hurt your feelings though he makes sure to be more considerate of what he says. Uses grand gestures as an apology and only uses actually saying I’m sorry as a last resort.

Even though he teases you, he really doesn’t mind your accent or stuttering. You’ll be lucky to even get a chance to talk considering that Stu loves to talk and does so all of the time. He does not shut up.

He’s big on making sure you don’t feel insecure when talking around him though. Even though he loves to hear himself talk it’s no fun if you’re to nervous to add to the conversation.

Goes around telling people he has a foreign babe.

Jesse Cromeans

Jesse isn’t fazed by your stuttering or heavy accent. In fact, it’s probably one of the things that draws him to you. To him, it makes you seem innocent and Jesse loves the idea of someone as corrupt as him having someone as sweet as you love him. Thinks he has you wrapped around his finger when really, it’s the other way around.

Preston would be the one to give you hell about it and Jesse will kick his ass before the smart ass comment can even leave his mouth. Spann would be the one constantly correcting you because she thinks that she’s so prim and proper. Jesse will make sure she keeps her mouth shut as well.

Sometimes he has to make sure that he understood what you said. You’re phone will ping with his best guess of what you just tried to say with a bunch of question marks around it. He’s doing his best okay.

Absolutely loves it when you talk to him so he makes sure that you don’t feel insecure when talking to him. You’re to cute to just sit there and say nothing, he wants to know what’s going through your cute little head.

Keeps an eye on you at work and in public. No one gets away with teasing you, especially not girls who could only wish that they were you. We all know that Jesse targets women.

Asa Emory

Honestly, he would see you as something exotic for his collection.

He’s an entomology professor, not an English professor, he could care less about your accent and mispronounced words. He also has a lot of patience but Asa still won’t hesitate to give you an annoyed look when he’s busy.

Unlike most of the other slashers he’s not going to tease you for the way you talk. Asa has more class than that. Instead, he’ll tease you about the way you begged for him to give you what you wanted.

Won’t tolerate anyone else joking around about your accent since he knows your insecure about the way you talk. He’s an intimidating person and he uses that to his advantage. Besides, if they keep trying they won’t be alive much longer anyways, Asa will make sure of that.

He still corrects you from time to time. If you’ve been having a rough time he won’t, he doesn’t want to make you feel worse. But if he thinks you’re able to handle the criticism he’ll correct your pronunciation. Believes that you have to learn the correct way to say things at some point right.

[floralkittygambler]

Am I Tripping Or Is Helluva Boss Also Stereotypical? (Bit of a rant sorry, wasnt impressed :< )

Name is Cleatus with a ‘hill billy’ (sorry, idk if that’s seen as an offensive term? I think red neck is offensive so Im going for what feels safer but idk help me out-) accent. (Honestly the voice is so unfitting it feels like a parody-). HB seems to love the Southern accent (nothing wrong w the accent but the portrayals... Ehhhhh...) Considering everyone gets their own VA to sound unique, the female sheep sounds like we’ve heard her voice in all of Viv’s works before. It’s a pretty voice! But just... Save money and VAs are versatile to play various roles in one series- This really caps their full potential.  Horse imagery everywhere. Lets be honest, Blitz liking horses and his IG pet ended up being the SH logo, it’s really awkward self praise- I hate to say it but it does make me cringe a little... The sciency villians designs. Just... Awful and out of place- Seems like a try hard attempt at a parody. Forced. Misses the mark. Also got Villainous vibes too, like that Dementia (sorry forgot her name but lizard hoodie girl!) lady. She suits her world at least and carries her humour a bit better. The warning is again immature (its an adult cartoon yet I - an adult - feel more like a teen when they cant trust their audience to understand ‘sexual references/scenes’ and opt for ‘horny’. Also no suicide warnings bc dayum even censored it was graphic - and Im a fuckin horror simp! Plus - even accidental - it’s a sensitive topic you need to be careful with. Again, just feels like childish attempts to make ‘funny edgy humour’. Dark humour is an artform most think they have yet lack.  Removal of Tilla. The most unique designed and actually interesting looking imp. Gone. And with the poster originally showing all three earlier it just shows lack of consistency when S2 is scripted therefore there should be consistency now.  Blitz going back to the silent o. CAN WE PLEASE JUST LEARN THE CORRECT FUCKIN NAME! I struggle with pronunciations as it is ;; Moxxie abuse for no reason that isnt actually funny needs a counter. Does anyone else find some of the animation in HB a little robotic/delayed/jarring sometimes? Idk... Just doesnt feel as fluid or smooth anymore - ESPECIALLY for actual movement (like walking. They look and feel so rigid..) Tour bus appears and disappears a lot.  Free stock photo of money for a trillionaire is pretty chuckle worthy! But immediately ruined by suicide prompting. No warning for animal mauling if anyone needed it (Honestly they could have done that joke way better like how it’s done in Madagascar, which this scene reminded me of) Pro: Cat suits (minus Blitz’s, sorry. It wasnt cute) Idk how I felt about the cuties ref tbh. Imma sound fuckin paranoid as hell but Im pretty sure Netflix declined Hazbin according to the timeline and tweets. Agreed, cuties was fucked up and why they accepted it idk but this felt less calling out nonces and more of a petty jab at Netflix. Again, personal opinion but still. More suicide prompting. Also kinda weird Blitz is asking teens in cars whether theyd fuck an old guy... Right after using pedophilia to upset him. The opera was empty then suddenly full. Also Im getting Phantom of the Opera vibes but... Less classy of an homage- Sorry. Im not normally into musicals but that is a brilliant one!  Ok I sorta like the glimpse of Heaven being just as bad as hell but it feels messy. Good point, they’re hypocrites. However the easy to anger seems more like the sin of wrath- which doesnt make sense for a Heavenborne. The swearing... Look, Im always fuckin effin and jeffin but couldnt they just for ONCE think of some more articulate way for the characters to express themselves? At this point, it feels like 50 shades of a single oc. It’s nice to see Millie and Mox be affectionate but that kiss was definitely a gross factor and what teens joke about kissing being like.  Pro: Cat Mox and Mil. Again. I love cats. Though seeing Millie never help when he’s hurt yet him always coming to help her gives me Chaggie vibes.  How is Opera lady still singing when shes dead? Another horse ref shown by unicorn. Old man you could literally de-age yourself in the machine you stupid motherfucker (I miss cowbelly) Ok seeing the old man in diapers and hearing some creepy shit recently about diaper kinks was yikes. Also Cherubs, yall coulda helped him with that piano. Love the pianists class though. Again good to show the hypocrisy of Heaven yet it feels really... 1 dimentional? Also didnt Viv say in a recent stream Heaven was going to be alien and futuristic? And yet its... Just cliche lambs and cherubs with a doe and some bees? The same futuristic heaven she criticised another creator for-  Im sure Wally’s only back bc he got so much fan simping tbh, similar to how Pent was supposed to be a one off and Travis is a minor character. Overall the humour really didnt hit (and I LOVE shitty puns-), it felt mediocre at best BUT BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT Can we give credit that FU-CKING FINALLY we had 1 - ONE - UNO - SINGULAR plot that actually fucking flowed, made sense (sorta), wasnt just messily patchworked plot pieces together and actually flowed like an episode? Still that should be bare minimal that it feels almost dirty to give credit for. Likewise, I felt *stupid* watching. Like they think the audience is so stupid they have to explain everything to them. Basically a kids show if blood and swears slipped in.  Weirdly, this was the weakest episode as well as the strongest plotwise. Halfway through S1, this is... I laughed once, which was even less than last time.  It just feels like watching someone with talent piss it all away for their 15 minutes instead of building a more solid foundation thatll last far longer. Likewise, it almost felt like anti-heaven propoganda in a way rather than ‘both sides wack’ and like heaven is an after thought. I didnt really feel the passion. Yes the other episodes need a LOT of work to be professional studio quality but at least you could feel a soul, a passion. This felt filler. There was no development or anything. Like you could skip it and still understand (well ‘understand’ considering the usual storytelling). Like Ep 1 had a flowing, linear plot (look Viv and SH have shown they arent capable at branching and juggling multiple plots efficiently) and everything sorta feels downhill from there for me... Also for a cat owner it feels Vivs only seen persians and tuxedo cats. (Id also like to personally add - AND IM SORRY - that how husk-like Mox’s felt, idk whether it was a subtle shitty HD ref or just lack of creativity for cats. Also the tux cat with ‘buttons’ and bowtie needs some variation and spice FAST) Again, its a shame Viv/SH dont open themselves up for genuine critique as itll bit their ass sooner or later. Been there, done that, never a-fuckin-gain.

[antisociallilbrat]

omg bichie trying tongue twisters.....

Okay but can you imagine Richie encouaging Bill to use tonge twisters to help with his stutter?? And it turning into making out 

Read on Ao3

“Cuh-can you cuh-can a c-can as cuh-cuh-canner cuh-cuh-cuh- FUCK!” Bill drops the paper that held the tongue twister and falls back on the bed, shielding his face with his hands as he feels his face turn red with embarrassment.

“It’s okay, you almost had it this time Big Bill,” Richie picks up the paper and scoots up on the bed so that he was sitting next to where Bill had fallen back. Reaching to pull Bill’s hands away from his face, “Come on try one more time, for me please? I’ll give you a nice reward if ya do handsome,” he uses his awful fake southern belle accent for the last part.

Bill looks over at the face of his boyfriend to see Richie batting his eyelashes at him, and he tries to fight the smile tugging at his lips. Richie sees it anyways and just reaches his head down to snuggle into Bill’s neck, obviously happy about getting Bill to smile. Sighing Bill reaches up to run his fingers through Richie’s unruly curls. Speaking, “Why are you even having m-me do thu-these Ruh-Riche?”

Richie sits back up, Bill accidentally yanking on his hair, “Because Bill! When I was looking for ways to help you, Haystack gave me this book that says doing tongue twisters are supposed to help with speech impediments. I’m just wanna help you, I hate feeling useless when you get frustrated over your stutter,” he says seriously as he thrusts the paper back on Bill’s chest.

“Rich you s-shouldn’t fuh-feel useless. You help m-me in more wuh-ways than you nuh-know.”

Richie kisses Bill’s forehead, “Will please just try again for me Bill?”

Richie is giving Bill those damn puppy eyes again, which is only magnified behind his glasses. Bill is so in love with Richie, thankful that he would go through this trouble just because he wants to help Bill. “Fuh-fine Richie I’ll try to guh-get this one ruh-right, but when I say it ruh-right you have t-to do suh-something for me.”

Intrigued, Richie brings himself closer to Bill, “Anything Billy.”

“After you have to guh-give me suh-something else to twuh-twist my tongue.”

Richie is visibly excited at this idea, “And people say I’m the horn dog in this relationship.”

“Shut up Ruh-Richie,” Bill sighs, him blushing for a new reason now, and picks the paper off his chest, determined to stutter his way through this stupid tongue twister, “Cuh-can you cuh-can a can as a c-c-canner can kuh-can a can?”

Richie is smiling encouragement, “Again Big Bill.”

“Can you cuh-can a can as a kuh-kuh-canner can can a c-can?”

“One more time Billy, you almost have it.”

“Can you can a can as a canner can c-can a can?” Bill feels a surge a pride as he almost masters the damn saying.

Richie looks just as proud of Bill as he leans down again, kissing Bill. Bill's hands immediately go into Richie’s hair again to hold him in place. The kiss stays pretty innocent until Richie is running his tongue along Bill’s bottom lip.

Bill decides to make him work for it, keeping his mouth closed. That resolve breaks though when Richie bites down on Bill’s bottom lip, causing him to gasp open. Richie waists no time pushing his tongue in alongside Bill’s. Their tongues battle for dominance, Bill’s losing in the end. He allows Richie to map out his mouth with his tongue, running it against Bill’s teeth to the roof of his mouth. Not breaking to kiss, Richie moves so that he now straddling Bill, grasping Bill's flannel.

The kiss continues to get a little sloppier till Richie pulls back so that they can get a breath of air, “I take it you prefer that tongue twister instead Billiam?”

Bill laughing, “Yes I do R-Richie,” before reaching up and joining their lips once more.

[randogirlo-fando]

Andante, Andante Part 1/?

Summary-Keg King Billy Hargrove becomes infatuated with Mike and Nancy’s cousin who is staying with them over the summer.

Warnings- swearing, mentions of sex, eventual smut

Word count-2.5k

May 1985

You close the door to your baby blue 1984 Jeep Cherokee you got as a graduation present, giggling after hearing the faint voice of one of your favorite cousins exclaiming “She’s here! She’s here!”. Nancy comes running out to give the first hug, squeezing pretty tight for such a petite girl.

“It’s been way too long!” She smiles brightly and you embrace her back just as tight as she did.

“It has, I would’ve visited sooner but private school has been kicking my ass.”

Soon Karen comes out holding Holly and you smile at them, excited to finally meet Holly when she actually has thoughts and opinions.

“(Y/n/n) look how grown you are!” Nancy let’s go of you to make room for her mom and sister while the redness goes to your cheeks awkwardly. Karen puts Holly down and pulls you into a hug, Holly hiding behind her legs. It was expected considering it’s been 4 years since the last visit.

“Holly this is your cousin (y/n). You were a lot younger when she last saw you.” After waving to her she smiles and pokes your knee causing another giggle to erupt from you.

“Ted can you come get (y/n)’s bags?”

“Sure honey” All of you head inside once the bags are grabbed and you begin to study all the things that’s changed about the house. The new pictures on the shelves, the new rug Karen must’ve got to tie the living room together, even the new vacuum she must’ve got after the old one broke. They may not have actually been new, but they were new to you.

“So where is Mike?” Karen smiles and gestures her flailing hand to the basement amusingly.

“All of his friends are down there too, they missed you a lot.”

“Will too?” She nods and you cringe when the stairs creaked under your tiptoeing feet.

“What was that?” Lukas’ eyes widen at the thought of something bad, making it harder for you not to laugh.

“Holly, I’ve told you you can’t come- (Y/N)!!” Mike jumps up to hug you, arms around your arms almost like he was caging you in.

“Dude you’re taller then me what the hell?” He smiles and within a flash you’re dragged to the kids and forced to sit down next to Dustin and Will. Dustin smiles and you put an arm around him to hug him. Once he realized your arm isn’t moving anytime soon his cheeks start to heat up, definitely going to be the cause of some teasing later on.

“El, Max, this is my cousin (y/n). She’s awesome.” You smile and pinpoint the girls. Eleven, the savior, the innocent, and Mike’s girlfriend, was wearing an oversized flannel and jeans while her hair was in a short French braid. Max, the redhead, the fireball, and last you checked Lukas’ girlfriend, was fixing up small bits of hair in El’s head that’s in front of her lap while smiling at you quickly before moving her focus back to the task at hand.

“So these are the girlfriends, if y’all wanna go get ice cream and talk about the guys I’m always up for it.” El’s eyebrows furrow while she tilts her head in confusion, making Max mess up a little. She whispers something to Mike, which makes you self conscious of your voice and accent.

“Oh (y/n) is from somewhere else called the south, so she has a southern accent.” She nods although still confused so youve made a mental note that she’ll be asking questions throughout your trip which you don’t mind.

“So were y’all just waiting for me or were y’all doing a campaign because either way here I am and I’m ready to do anything.”

“Well we were talking about Max’s douchebag brother.” Lukas’ rolls his eyes before Max punches him in the arm not too hard but definitely not lightly. Dustin at this point was just wanting to talk to you just you and him the moment he found out you were coming. Growing up, he always had a crush that manifested over the years and you always were nice to him not wanting to hurt his feelings.

“The one that attacked lukas and scared the shit out of everyone?” They nod and you lick your lips before sucking on your teeth harshly.

Every year Mike updated you on the things happening in Hawkins so you knew pretty much everything except maybe some very minor details and that guy Billy has been on your list for as long as he’s been in Hawkins.

“How about we call up Jonathan for a second car, invite Nancy and we all go pay a visit to Steve at his new job?” They all nodded and spoke their own agreements until Mike speaks up.

“Actually El isn’t allowed in the mall, can you drop us off at her house?”

“Of course, I understand. Don’t go pissing off Hopper though.” You wink lighting at the two and Eleven hides in Mike’s neck, Mike flipping you off lightheartedly.

“Nancy! Can you come down to the basement?” She comes down quickly while putting her earrings in.

“What’s up?”

“Wanna call up that boyfriend of yours and we all go pay a visit to Steve?”

“Okay I’ll call him now!” She runs back upstairs, careful not to hurt her ear, and everyone else discusses carpool.

Dustin calls shotgun and sits in your car, turning the radio on his favorite radio station and smiling a big toothless grin at you. Once Mike and El get in the back, you guys pull out of the driveway to get a head start from everyone else.

“So El, do you know your address?”

“Uh, no.” She sheepishly looks down in her lap and furrows her eyebrows.

“What about directions?”

“Go on the main long street and then it’s in the woods.” You have to think hard before nodding and try to listen to her to your best ability.

“Hey I found it.” A smile of accomplishment comes to your face and you look at El through the mirror as she smiles back. Once the car is parked, you ruffle Dustin’s hair and get out with them to walk them to the door.

“Hey Hopper, I’m dropping off kids.”

“(Y/n) I didn’t know you’re in town.” He gets up to greet you with a smile and you return it.

“Yes sir, just got in about an hour ago and now I’m taking kids to get ice cream. Of course I heard El can’t be in super public places so here I am.”

“You always were a good kid. If you need a summer internship or anything I’m sure we can get you something at the police station.”

“Thank you sir, and if you ever need someone to stay with El I’m always happy to!” You shake hands with him and the kids say bye to you before heading into what you assume is El’s room, leaving you to run back to your car.

“How does everyone like you?” He looks in awe, completely enthralled by you.

“Southern charm, honey.” He laughs and you pull out of the driveway to head to the Starcourt Mall.

“So (y/n), would you want to rent a movie and come over to watch it? We could eat popcorn and stuff. You don’t have to I just thoug-“ you cut him have with a small giggle, calming his nerves a little.

“I’d love to Dustin, I missed my partner in crime.” Once you stop at a red light you take a second to look at him before taking his hat and putting it on.

“I think this hat looks pretty good on me” Dustin mumbles something under his breath but you choose to ignore it.

“So any summer plans?”

“I go to Camp Know Where.”

“Aw when are you leaving me?”

“The second week of June. I’ll be back before Fourth of July though!”

“Perfect! So we’re gonna have to all go to the fair together!” He smiles at you with a small blush and you smile back before getting to the mall. You meet up with everyone else at the front entrance and Max looks a little more stone-faced then before.

“What’s wrong Max?”

“I’m an idiot as always.” Lukas sighs and starts walking in.

“Boys are mad dumb it’s okay.” You whisper in an attempt to her cheer up a little and she gives you a small smile.

“Excuse me I’ll have a tall scoop of Harrington.”

“Look, I’m trying to- (y/n)? What are you doing here?” He jumps over the counter and envelops you in a bear hug, the smell of his cologne right in your nose with your head against his chest.

“Well I’m in the mall to get my damn ice cream. Nice sailor suit, captain.” He laughs when you attempt to solute him through the hug and finally lets go to look at you.

“Last time I saw you was the summer before my freshmen year.” A faint pink came to your cheeks remembering the last encounter with Steve Harrington.

“(Y/n), I-I like you....” he closed his eyes to prepare for the rejection, but instead he felt a kiss placed on his cheek rather quickly.

“I like you too Harrington.” He smiled before realization and sadness hit his soft features.

“Why do you have to leave?”

“I start school in a week. I can’t stay forever...” he hugged you so very close, not wanting to let go.

“Steve?”

“Yes?” Your sparkling (e/y) eyes stared into his and suddenly you move closer to each other before sharing your first kiss together.

“Yeah I actually ended up skipping 8th grade, so I graduated with you.”

“Hey can you two stop making goo goo eyes and get us some ice cream?” Dustin says, rolling his eyes making the other kids giggle. You break concentration from the brunette before you, realizing you’re missing two people.

“Will where did Nancy and Johnathan go?” You look around trying to find the two through the crowd of people.

“They went to see some movie they’ve been wanting to see.” A sigh of relief washes over you before you turn back to Steve, grabbing him by the upper arms.

“Well Steve, I’m here all summer. Call the Wheeler house if you want to catch up.” His face lights up before he sighs pretending to check a watch.

“Uh yeah totally, I’m like super busy here most of the time but I’m sure I can make time for you.” You roll your eyes at his antics before giggling and messing with his hair, ordering ice cream for everyone and going back outside.

“You guys ready to go?”

“My brother is gonna be at the Wheeler house looking for me in like half an hour so we should probably leave.” Max sighs making you feel the need to comfort her by rubbing her shoulder.

“Max gets shotgun!” The boys groan at the statement and you make eye contact with Max while giggling.

“So Max, what’s your plans this summer?”

“Hang out with the party, go to the arcade, skate my skateboard, and stay away from the pool.” Your eyebrows scrunch, trying to figure out why.

“How come?”

“Billy works there. He’s a lifeguard and he’s told me not to.”

“Who would put him in charge of people’s lives?”

“Well he used to be a lifeguard in California, a pretty good one too.” Nodding, you think about what he’s like when he’s good at saving lives but bad with people.

When you pull up, a blue Camaro was in your spot in the driveway to you park on the side of the road. Max sighs and gets out first, throwing the ice cream wrapper away.

“Max where the hell were you?” A deep voice says with frustration lacing it, catching you off guard and causing you to flinch.

“You’re early.” Is all she says before getting in the passenger seat and slamming the door.

“You better tell me why you were in a strangers car.”

“I’m not a stranger buddy.” The buddy laced with sarcasm as you get out of your own car, his face changing from frustrated to cocky, a devilish smirk that you can’t help but find attractive coming across his face with the change in attitude.

“Well, I didn’t know it was a pretty stranger.” He leans against his car door and you roll your eyes, walking closer to him while placing your hands on your hips.

“I’m Nancy’s cousin, and I’m way out of your league pretty boy” He’s a bit taken back by your remark but smirks while studying your every movement and detail from top to bottom.

“Not from here, huh? I’m gonna guess....southern?” The pause almost taunting you.

“You bet your sweet ass I am. Now run along and stop yelling at such a good kid. None of these kids deserve what you’ve put them through.” Your facial expressions soften when you make eye contact with the embarrassed ginger.

“Max, when you come over next how about I take you home afterwards?” Your cold stare looks back at his dark eyes and you watch frustration come across his face but his smirk never falters.

“Sounds amazing!” She smiles and he rolls his eyes before slowly stepping towards you.

“I’m sorry but I’m not very comfortable having her in your car. How about we get dinner so I can get to know you better?” He gets closer, looking you into your eyes with those bright blue eyes you almost want to fall into, but instead you push his shoulders back to keep a minimum of 7 feet apart at all times.

“In your dreams lover boy, unless she needs to be at home differently I’ll bring her home at 5pm every time. That way if y’all end up having dinner or something she’s there and you don’t have to worry your pretty little face about picking her up.” He gives up and huffs.

“That works” He gets in the car and sends you one final wink before you flip him off. Once he finally pulls out of your spot, you quickly pull into it and park once more.

“Woah (y/n) you’re the first girl other than Nancy to reject him like that!” You get out of your car, forgetting the other kids were still here. The smile on their faces made your heart swell.

“Well he’s a jerk. Too bad I promised Aunt Karen I’d go to the pool tomorrow.” You all start to walk in, Dustin explaining how you should not go.

“Why would you still go when he’s there? That’s so dumb.”

“What’s dumb?” Karen comes out of the kitchen with her oven mitts on, scaring everyone half to death.

“Oh I told them I’m going to the pool with you and Molly tomorrow and Dustin is flipping out.” She furrows her eyebrows before laughing it off.

“Dustin, she’s going to be with me and/or Molly the entire time. Let her have some fun.”

“Thank you Aunt Karen! Finally someone on my side.” The party sighs and you usher them to go downstairs.

“Dinner is almost ready, I’ll call you guys when it’s closer to time!”

“Thank you aunt Karen!” You close the basement door and sigh.

“Okay, let’s play some DnD!”

—————————————————

A/N-hey y’all, I’m sorry this took longer than I promised. I wanted to make it longer but I have so much trouble writing with my health and trying to do school. I love y’all if you guys wanna be on the taglist then ask! Also I changed the car without realizing lol

Taglist

@dreamwavej

[queennicoleinboots]

Taco Mac with Count Macrula and Count Macula, Jr., part 6

Colonel Mac, FreeLee the Banana Girl, and I were back at Publix to pick up ingredients for vegan Taco Mac. Michael the Great Arc Angel of course flew around and followed us. It is important to note that Colonel Mac wore a white MAGA mask: Make America Godly Again.

Colonel Mac was rattling off ingredients from his long list: corn tortillas, black beans, pinto beans, great white beans, brown rice, white rice, spinach, tomatoes, mushrooms, jalapenos, onions, cilantro, Annie's vegan macaroni and cheese, Daiya cheddar cheeze shreds, red bell pepper, yellow bell pepper, orange bell pepper, green bell pepper, limes, ground pepper, green tomatillos, red tomatillos, tobasco, and whole golden kernel corn.

"Are we getting more margarine?" FreeLee the Banana Girl asked.

"Oh yes, I forgot," Colonel Mac said.

"But we are not getting Blue Bonnet," I clarified.

"No, but are we getting Smart Balance with olive oil?" Colonel Mac asked.

"No," FreeLee the Banana Girl said.

"Really? That's the kind I usually get for Mr. Williamson and his wife," I said.

FreeLee the Banana Girl then stared at me as we were picking up all necessary items from produce: spinach, tomatoes, mushrooms, jalapenos, onions, cilantro, red bell pepper, yellow bell pepper, orange bell pepper, green bell pepper, limes, green tomatillos, and red tomatillos. She said, "You need to repent."

"Everyone's been saying that lately," I said. "And it is a process."

FreeLee the Banana Girl sighed. "Let's go to the margarine aisle. All of life's questions will be answered there," she said.

So we travelled clear on the other side of the store to the margarine aisle.

She pulled out the Smart Balance Margarine with olive oil from the refrigerator and read the ingredients. "Vegetable Oil Blend (Canola, Palm, Extra Virgin Olive, And Flaxseed Oils), Water, Less Than 2 Percent Of: Salt, Pea Protein, Natural And Artificial Flavors, Sunflower Lecithin, Vitamin A Palmitate, Beta Carotene (Color), Vitamin D, Monoglycerides Of Vegetable Fatty Acids (Emulsifier), And Potassium Sorbate, Lactic Acid, TBHQ and Calcium Disodium EDTA (to Protect Freshness)."

"TBHQ? What's that?" I asked.

"Precisely," FreeLee the Banana Girl said.

Colonel Mac looked up what TBHQ was on his smartphone. "Tert-Butylhydroquinone (TBHQ, tertiary butylhydroquinone) is a synthetic aromatic organic compound which is a type of phenol. It is a derivative of hydroquinone, substituted with a tert-butyl group," he read.

"So basically it's an oil we have no business eating it in the first place," I said.

"Exactly!" FreeLee the Banana Girl said.

Michael the Great Arc Angel said, "Wow. What the fuck? Thank Goodness I don't get that. But I must check my butter at home to ensure that there is no TBHQ in it. I shall return." He then flew out of the store.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Crickets with Angel wings chirped as they flew through Publix. When we walked by the free sample booth, a FreeLee the Banana Girl video popped up on the screen: https://youtu.be/ZRuytGHlpNc

Too long didn't watch: It is about what she eats on a high-carb fruitarian diet.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Michael the Great Arc Angel then screamed as he flew to the margarine aisle.

Everyone in the store looked at Michael the Great Arc Angel and gave him their undivided attention.

"Fucking hell! I had Smart Balance! So what if it is on sale?! It is poisoning humankind! I must burn it! XARA! Open the glass door with the Smart Balance margarine in it!" Michael the Great Arc Angel shouted.

I opened the glass door with the Smart Balance margarine in it.

Michael the Great Arc Angel shot blue death rays out of his eyes and burned all products related to Smart Balance margarine and screamed.

FreeLee the Banana Girl screamed. Everyone in the store screamed.

"But remember. Save the Earth Balance margarine. It's legit," FreeLee the Banana Girl said in a normal voice. She then grabbed the Earth Balance Soy Free margarine and put it in the cart.

The Grinch then hobbled over and screamed. "Smart Balance is a balance of over-price and chemical deathhhhhh," he said. Then he hobbled away.

Michael the Great Arc Angel then announced, "If we were not making vegan Taco Mac with Count Colonel Mac-"

FreeLee the Banana Girl, Colonel Mac, The Grinch, Paul the Goat, Smeagull, the cast of PeeWee Herman, and everyone in the store screamed. "Taco Mac with Colonel Mac" was still the phrase of the last four months. Wait?! He said "Count Colonel Mac." When did Colonel Mac become a Count?

Michael the Great Arc Angel then continued, "Then I would prefer butter or a buttery spread."

"Agreed!" Colonel Mac, other non-vegans, and I said with authority. "Wait? I'm a Count now?'

"Not that I use much butter, but I know better than to use margarine on my own account. It is evil," Michael the Great Arc Angel shouted. "And yes. I dub thee Count. It's Halloween. Colonel is not sufficient for your caliber."

Paul the Goat bleated loudly.

"In that case, am I granted vampiric powers?" Count Colonel Mac asked as he rode around Publix with Michael the Great Arc Angel.

"Absolutely!" Michael the Great Arc Angel said with a salesangel smile as he pointed his two index fingers at Count Colonel Mac dramatically. "And a cape to boot!"

"Oh boy! Grant me vampiric powers!" Count Colonel Mac spoke with excitement.

"As you wish," Michael the Great Arc Angel said with a huge smile before he chanted in a dark angelic language.

All shoppers were watching with awe.

Michael the Great Arc Angel continued to chant as Publix was getting darker.

Count Colonel Mac was smiling widely, and his teeth were getting sharper. He growled with excitement.

Michael the Great Arc Angel continued to chant before he sang and danced to Voltaire's song of "Brains.": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vpLRJyWe814 He was definitely a character of the Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy when that show was popular.

OH SHIT!

Michael the Great Arc Angel stopped everything after he sang the last note of "Brains" for just a liiiittle too long.

Count Colonel Mac turned into a gray vampire cub who wore a cape. He was just sitting in his chair.

Everyone gasped.

Michael the Great Arc Angel looked over and gasped in horror. "OH SHIT!!!! I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry. I held that note for just a liiiiiittle too long. Oh God I gotta reverse this!" he spoke quickly and frantically.

Count Colonel Mac looked down at his paws before his glasses fell off and grinned widely. "COOL!!!" he said in a high-pitched Southern accent.

"You're okay with this?" Michael the Great Arc Angel said with his eyebrow raised

"YEAH!" Count Colonel Mac said as he jumped out of his chair. "I can walk! I can walk! I'm not in pain!" he started to skip. "And I'm wearing a cape, motherfuckers!" He skipped around the store and growled cheerfully. His black cape swished behind him.

"Awwwww!!!!" everyone in the store said.

"Count Colonel Mac is so cute," I said.

He turned around, skipped over to me, and looked up to me. "I am not a Colonel. I have no affiliation with the military. I only accepted the name because you needed a Colonel to replace Colonel America. So I took the honor. Also, KFC is an insult to chicken," he spoke with a cute cub growl.

"YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY CORRECT!" Michael the Great Arc Angel shouted. "Keep going."

"Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you," Count Mac(?) said. "Also, Popeyes is a much better option for fastfood fried chicken."

"LOVE THAT CHICKEN FROM POPEYES!" Aunt Jemima sang. She's still relevant?

"Yes, I do. Anyway, like I said, I am not affiliated with the military, nor do I ever want to be. I'm a gray cub first and foremost. We are the most passive species of bear, next to the white bear. But... I was cursed with gray fur, becuz you know, I am a vampirebear... vam...bear. Vambear! Vampire creatures can't be blessed. Anyway anyway anyway anyway anyway anyway anyway, I am now..." the gray vambear cub said before he took a deep breath. Then in a booming voice, he said, "Count MACULA!!!!!" He then laughed an evil laugh.

Everyone, including the cast of PeeWee Herman, screamed.

"I dig it!" Michael the Great Arc Angel shouted.

"So the story should now be called "Taco Mac with Count Macula, part 6?" I asked.

The cast of PeeWee Herman, FreeLee the Banana Girl, the Grinch, Seagull, and Paul the Goat screamed.

"Is that a yes?" I asked.

"Yes," Count Macula said. "Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes."

"No!" Michael the Great Arc Angel protested.

Count Macula blinked. "But... I've been the title character for the past five stories. Why would this one be different?" he asked.

"I AM THE ONE WHO GRANTED YOU THE POWERS!!!" Michael the Great Arc Angel shouted. The foundation of Publix shook.

"I don't mean to be rude, but Taco Mac with Michael The Great Arc Angel is kind of a long-winded title," Count Macula said.

"I AGREE!!!" Michael the Great Arc Angel said. "But who says I am keeping this title?"

"No one," Count Macula said.

"Exactly! I am Count MACRULA!" the angel said before thunder, lightning, and darkness came upon him. He transformed into a dark angel. His wings were as black as night. He now wore a black tie with fire on it, a black dress shirt, black slacks, black shoes, and a long black cape. His skin was as white as snow, and he had a fiery red beard. "Happy Halloween, Mother Fuckers!"

"Happy Halloween, Count Macrula," Count Macula said.

"Thank you. Also, I dub thee Count Macula, Jr.," Count Macrula said with a booming voice.

"OKAY! OKAY! OKAY! OKAY! OKAY! OKAY! OKAY!" Count Macula, Jr. shouted. "I am only seven after all."

"I have spoken!" Count Macrula said.

"There should be a story called 'Count Macrula Has Spoken,'" Count Macula, Jr. pointed out.

"Absolutely! But this is NOT that story," Count Macrula said.

"No. But Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing has a story with a title of him speaking. If he can have it, you should have one, too," Count Macrula, Jr. said.

"You are goddamn right!" Count Macrula said.

"THAT'S GREAT! WHAT ARE WE CALLING THIS STORY!?" FreeLee the Banana Girl yelled.

"Taco Mac with Count Macrula and Count Macula, Jr.," I decided.

"Part 6!" Count Macrula and Count Macula, Jr. shouted.

"Part 6," I confirmed.

"Can we get on with the shopping then?!" FreeLee the Banana Girl asked.

"Yes," Count Macrula said.

FreeLee the Banana Girl, Count Macula, Jr., Count Macrula, and I continued to shop. We picked up Annie's vegan macaroni and cheese, canned pinto beans, canned black beans, canned great white canned beans, corn tortillas, bags of brown rice, bags of white rice, and Daiya cheddar cheeze shreds.

FreeLee the Banana Girl then looked around the canned vegetable aisle to look for the canned whole golden kernel corn.

FreeLee the Banana Girl looked frantically for the golden whole kernel corn while I was absent-mindedly putting the other groceries in the cart.

“WHERE THE FUCK IS MY CORN?” FreeLee the Banana Girl screamed loudly to the point where the whole store could hear. Count Macula, Jr. dropped the list because he was shocked at the random loud volume of FreeLee the Banana Girl's voice. “Count Macula, Jr., find the fucking corn now. What the hell? Where the hell’s my corn, Count Macula, Jr.?”

“I don’t know! I'm trying. Stop yelling at me!” Count Macula, Jr. said as he was crying and slumping his shoulders.

I was slightly shocked when a Jewish Karen joined in with her voice. “Yeah, where the fuck is ze corn? You’d think canned corn would be easy to find in a fuckin’ grocery store,” she yelled.

A store associate rushed to the scene in a panic. “What kind of corn are you looking for, ma’am?” she asked.

Another woman sales associate chimed in, “We’d love to help.”

“Golden kernel,” FreeLee the Banana Girl said.

Everyone in the store was looking for the corn she mentioned. Even Count Macula, Jr. and I were in on looking for it. I wanted FreeLee the Banana Girl and the Karens to shut the fuck up. I lifted Count Macula, Jr. in my arms as we looked for the corn.

“No, no, not here, dammit,” the Jewish Karen said. “Son ov a bitch!”

“Not here,” Count Macula, Jr. said.

“Is this it, ma’am?” one of the customers asked her.

Count Macula, Jr. randomly farted. It smelled like too much tacos. 

“No! I said ‘Golden kernel,’ you stupid mother fucker!” FreeLee the Banana Girl yelled. “I already told you. ‘Golden kernel’ ‘Golden kernel’ Goddammit!”

“Sorry, ma’am, Jesus Christ, please help us find this ‘Golden kernel’ corn,” he said.

“Jesus Christ wasn’t born yet,” the Jewish Karen interrupted. “SHIT WHERE THE FUCK IS FREELEE’S CORN?”

“All of a sudden my corn is gone. It has been on this particular aisle for ages. Why is it gone? Where the fuck is the CORN?” FreeLee the Banana Girl ranted.

Count Macrula carried several cans of whole golden kernel corn as he flew to the carts we were pushing. Angels and Lord vampires literally sang as he flew. It had no added salt, so the angels and Lord vampires sang even louder.

He saved Publix.

"Really Publix saved Publix. It had this corn in stock. And I found it. They didn't move it 40 feet down like the Publix on 11 did two years ago," Count Macrula pointed out. He flapped his wings quickly for effect.

"But you still found the corn and saved Publix," I said.

He stared at me. I stared at him. We blinked. There was a moment in which I was honored by his darkness.

"Thank God Publix can stay alive. Now can we pleeeasssse get out of here!? I would like to get over this Taco Mac with me series and move on," Count Macula, Jr. said. "And if I have to listen to ingredients ONE TIME, I am going to scream."

Count Macrula, FreeLee the Banana Girl, the cast of PeeWee Herman, the Grinch, Smeagull, Garfield, and everyone in the store screamed.

"At least no one is reading ingredients. Ugh!" Count Macula, Jr. said as he ran like the cub he was to the check-out.

"In non-GMO, organic, gluten-free corn tortillas, they have WATER, STONEGROUND ORGANIC YELLOW CORN MASA FLOUR, ORGANIC GUAR GUM, and LIME," I said as I read the ingredients just to troll Count Macula, Jr.

Count Macula, Jr. screamed so loud that everyone else started screaming. "THAT'S ABUSE!!!!!" he shouted.

Paul the Goat even walked back in the store and bleated.

Then we went to check-out because Count Macula, Jr. just couldn't take anymore.

[idthellyeah-blog]

My Daily Affirmations

(I opened for Tig Notaro in September of 2011 at a very cool little bar in Omaha called The Sydney. Its the same place I did my first stand up set and a lot of drugs. I love it dearly. Tig was great, such an awesome comedian. It was in the era of OK Party Comedy where we had a good relationship with a comedy tour manager who would try and route people our way even though we couldn't offer tons of money or much of anything else. Those were truly the best times.)

(To be read in the morning after waking up before your morning bath, not during!)

IDT,

   Today is the day!  It’s time to harness some forward momentum and make some positive life changes.  Like the movie Click starring Adam Sandler…the part where he realizes that dying from being fat is scary and awful and he quits being a dick to his hot wife and sexy kids…not the other stuff.  Try to avoid thinking about how you cried in front of your friends the first time you watched the movie Click, you will just spend the rest of your day thinking about the consequences of owning a magical remote control, rather than making positive forward progress.

   Today is the day that you start all of the personal and professional projects you have been putting off.  No more time wasting!  Remember that documentary you watched on Netflix about an all natural juice diet (That fat man became so much less fat!)…you are starting that diet today!  At the very least put a juice in your Amazon queue and check on it once every couple of months.  What about the  other documentary about cutting processed foods out of your diet to cure your diseases and become a better human being?  You are starting that today as well (at this point you resemble a sad pregnant teenager, but without all of the glamour).  Stop enjoying food and start hating yourself more!  What about the documentary you watched about ethnic genocide in Africa?  You should probably not do that today, that was terrible and sad…but keep that in your mind so you avoid any genocides while making juice and eating food from Trader Joe’s (sidenote: double check to make sure Trader Joe was not involved in any African genocides)

   All of those barely started screen plays, sketches, and dragon sex fantasy novels?  Today is the day you finally make an honest effort to become a “real” writer and finish ALL OF THEM!  That will require you not being a lazy idiot, so change everything about yourself.   Your best chance at getting super rich is the pitch for the movie you came up with called “Jesus! Hockey?”  Tagline: Jesus Doesn’t Save…He Scores”  Everyone wants to see a movie about Jesus returning to Earth from space to play hockey.  Think The Mighty Ducks meets Encino Man meets that Bible movie (see if we can’t get Sandler to play Jesus…he would be PERFECT!).  The sketch you wrote about “The Negro League of Extraordinary Gentlemen” (MLK, Reggie Jackson, Eli Whitney, Fredrick Douglas, and Tyrese)?  You might need to re-think that one.  Maybe just Tyrese…if all else fails just stick with what you know and love...sexy dragons..  Today is the day your dreams come true!

   Get in front of the bathroom mirror and read the following out loud to yourself in a non-hysterical voice (for once):

- I will be healthy and happy.

- I will not eat in the bath tub while taking a bath, or if I do I will not tell anyone about it (even if it makes total sense and cuts out the middle man known as the dishwashing machine).

- I am sailing on the river of wealth (probably the river from that Billy Joel song).

- I will do laundry today because at this point everything in my closet is covered in gross stuff, eventually you’re going to wear a black t-shirt that has your seed on it to a bar and no one will think it is quirky.

- I will be calm and relaxed in every situation.

- I will avoid the happy couples with kids or dogs that walk around my neighborhood, their judgement gazes bring down my victory thoughts.

- I am surrounded by love.

- I am also surrounded by bugs.  Yuck.

- History is fiction, God can’t touch us now....we’re out of his jurisdiction..

- I will stop taking my frustrations out everyone named Travis, it isn’t their fault their name is super fun to yell in a Southern accent..

- I will be successful in whatever I do.

- I will stop telling people about my Illuminati conspiracy theories that places the blame on former Minnesota Twins outfielder Kirby Puckett…Kirby Puckett is dead so it’s kind of a dickhead thing to say.

- I will practice both the male and female parts in Meat Loaf’s “Paradise By The Dashboard Lights”.  You never know when you’ll be asked to perform either…especially in corporate job interviews.

- Everything is getting better every day (except for most things).

   After reading these out loud, make sure you don’t have any shit in your teeth, drink one quick rum and Gatorade in the tub…and go out and make today the best today ever.

Love,

Ian Douglas Terry

(find out if they’re making a sequel to Click…if they aren’t, write it)

[itshillaryrodamn]

Dancing In The Dark

Hillary and Bill backstage in 1993 before the first of their 11 Inaugural Balls. Inspired by the song Perfect by Ed Sheeran

Bill paced the floor backstage at the first of the 11 inaugural balls he was to attend tonight. He tugged at the sleeves of his freshly pressed suit jacket, his pristinely shined new shoes squeezing his feet just a little too tight through lack of wear. He was nervous, a somewhat rare experience for him. But then this had hardly been a normal sort of day. Being sworn in as President of the Unites States, taking that oath of office and now bearing that immense responsibility was only just beginning to sink in, and his heart began to beat faster beneath his crisp white shirt as he caught a quick glimpse between the curtains of the crowds beyond the stage. All waiting for him. And Hillary. Where was Hillary? Bill frowned, checking the time. He hadn’t seen her yet tonight as they had traveled in separate cars and she had still been getting ready when he had left. She wasn’t usually the type to spend hours getting ready but again, this was far from a usual night. Bill checked the time again. They had roughly 15 minutes before they were due to be onstage, and he was just beginning to panic at the absence of his wife when as if on cue, Hillary finally emerged from the dressing room and joined him in the wings at the side of the stage. Bill was unable to stop his jaw falling open in amazement as he took in the sight of her. Her golden hair, normally worn loose was styled in a beautiful twist around her head and her indigo dress glittered magically as it caught the light, the fabric clinched in at the waist with a thin buckled belt accentuating her gorgeous curves. Bill licked his lips, struggling to form a coherent thought as all the blood from his head rushed to a lower part of his body. Hillary smiled, her glossy pink lips parting to reveal her row of perfect white teeth. “Hey honey.” “I-you look-wow…” Bill stammered, his eyes scanning her up and down, drinking in every inch of her. Hillary giggled, a blush creeping over her already rouged cheeks. Her appearance was not often high at the top of her priority list, but it always thrilled her to know she could still have this effect on her husband, that he still desired and wanted her as much as she wanted him. “You don’t look so bad yourself!” She responded, stepping in closer to him and straightening his bow tie. He placed his hands on her back then slid them slowly down towards her hips, pulling her in toward him. Blue met blue as their eyes locked leaning in closer and closer. Bill’s gaze traveled down toward her lips when Hillary suddenly raised her finger and stopped his advances. “Not unless you want me to have to disappear again to fix my lipstick.” Bill groaned, and the sound sent a stirring through Hillary’s core. “But later,” she added, lowering her voice, “you can kiss me anywhere you want.” “You can bet I’m going to hold you to that.” Hillary giggled and they drew closer together, wrapping their arms around one another. As Hillary leaned her head against Bill’s chest she could feel the beat of his heart racing, matching the speed of her own. She tilted her head up at him, blinking her thick dark lashes. “Are you nervous?” Bill nodded, swallowing. “A little. This is a big moment. Historic, really. Can you believe we’re going to be a part of history now?” Hillary shook her head, still in awe with the weight of their new lives not having quite sunk in yet. “It’s incredible.” She breathed. “You’re incredible.” He stared into her eyes in wonder, meaning every word. He might be President of the United States now, but nothing filled him with more breathtaking amazement than the woman stood before him who still chose to be with him every day. Despite his all faults and failings she still gazed at him with eyes filled more love than he had ever known in his life. He couldn’t believe how lucky he was.

“Ten minutes sir.” A voice called from the side of the stage shaking Bill out his reverie. Bill nodded at the stagehand, who then disappeared behind the curtain again with his clipboard. Hillary noticed Bill tense and she massaged his shoulders a little to soothe him. “You’re going to be amazing honey.” Bill smiled gratefully, but she could tell he was still anxious and she frowned. “What is it baby? You weren’t this nervous this morning and that was the actual inauguration!” “It’s nothing really, it’s silly.” Hillary sharpened her piercing gaze into him curiously until he finally gave in. “It’s just the dancing.” He admitted, in a somewhat shy manner that Hillary had always found irresistibly endearing. “Aww Billy, don’t worry about that your dancing is great. Besides we’ve practiced loads all week.” “I know.” He sighed, “I just hope I don’t tread on your toes like I did at our wedding dance.” Hillary couldn’t help giggling at the memory, remembering the look of utter dismay on his face when his foot had managed to slightly squash hers in her open-toed shoes under the white cotton of her wedding dress. “Or trip,” he added, “Now that’s one way I don’t want to make history, can you imagine; first president to trip up during inaugural ball!” Hillary tipped her head back with that beautiful laugh he loved so much. Nerves had never affected Bill’s ability to deliver an eloquent speech, but they did however manage to have the adverse effect of giving him two left feet. “Well we can’t have that now can we Mr President?” She smirked, before dragging him into a darkened empty space behind the stage, “come on let’s practice one last time. Just like we did the night before our wedding barefoot in the kitchen remember? You and me, dancing in the dark.” “Practicing didn’t do me much good then did it?” He complained, but he was smiling as she draped her arm over his shoulder and he took her hand in his, leading her in a sweeping slow dance across the floor backstage. “Well you have experience on your side now.” She reassured him as they circled across the floor. “Besides, unlike at our wedding you don’t have the added pressure of my father closely watching exactly where you were putting your hands.” Bill couldn’t help laughing at that. “Well I’m certainly glad of that mercy at least. I still remember the stress of feeling his eyes burning into me from across the room. The amount of self control I had to display when I had just married the most breathtaking woman in the world was honestly admirable really.” Hillary shook her head with a chuckle, “flattery will get you everywhere.” “I certainly hope so,” he smirked suggestively, a look that Hillary instantly returned. They continued their steps rhythmically back and forth, in sync with one another, and Bill’s attention was soon torn between watching what his feet were doing and watching the beautiful sight of his wife swaying in his arms, biting her lip in concentration as she sometimes did. They practiced every move they knew, easing a little closer into each other with every twirl and swing and step. “See, once you relax you’re absolutely fine. Better than fine actually,” Hillary smiled up at him. “That’s because nobody’s watching us now.” “Well, once we get out there just don’t think about the people watching us. Just focus on me and imagine it’s just us.” Bill nodded and returned her smile, “focusing on you is definitely a technique I highly approve of. In fact, I think the real struggle here might actually be me managing to ever take my eyes off you." He brought his hand up to her face, gently cupping her cheek and running his fingers through the few loose strands of hair that framed her face. "You’re so gorgeous Hillary. You know I never could have done any of this without you.” “Well don’t you worry honey, you'll get your chance to show me exactly how appreciative you are later on.” He hummed in approval at this suggestion and raked his eyes up and down her figure again as she fluttered her lashes, her eyes glittering with mischief. As they continued to dance across the floor they gradually pressed their bodies closer and closer together, rubbing up against each other as though they were twenty years younger and pushed up against a dormitory door at Yale again. The heat between them grew and lust poured from their locked eyes into one another. As the friction and tension increased Bill leaned in and whispered huskily into Hillary’s ear in his low southern accent. “I���m going to make sure I tell the crowd at every single one of these balls how fucking sexy you look tonight.” Hillary couldn’t help laughing at his words. Honestly sometimes the way he acted and spoke around her it was as though he were still a teenager. “Well I’m flattered honey but you might want to tweak that choice of phrase to something a little more G-rated.” “Pity,” Bill licked his lips, still looking her up and down as they continued swaying through their dance, “because there really is nothing G-rated about the things I want to do to you in that dress.” Hillary rolled her eyes at him but Bill caught the giveaway sign of her wetting her lips in anticipation. He raised an eyebrow at her, desire reflected in the blue of his eyes as they danced. His hand resting on Hillary’s waist began to slowly find it’s way lower down her back towards her thighs, caressing her skin through the smooth silk of her dress as he gripped her delicious curves. “What underwear are you wearing?” “Bill!” Hillary’s skin flushed and she quickly glanced around to check nobody could hear them, relieved to find the darkened wing was empty besides the two of them. He grinned at her mischievously as he spun her around under his arm then pulled her right back in close to him, her head resting against his shoulder for a moment and she ceased her opportunity to whisper quickly into his ear. “Black lace.” Her hot breath tickled against his neck and he groaned in response as a shiver ran down his spine. He hadn’t expected her to actually answer, a fact she very well knew and so she couldn’t resist catching him off guard. “God do you have any idea what you do to me?” His hands began to travel further down her lower body longingly in search of the concealed lace. Hillary let out a soft moan at his touch and soon began to feel the effects of both their actions pressing hard against her thigh. She glanced up at him with a wicked smile. “Y’know you should probably change your track of thought, seeing as we’re about to step out in front of millions of people.” “Shit,” Bill swore, his expression eliciting another giggle from Hillary. “I don’t know why you’re laughing baby you realize this is all your fault!” “Well then, I’ll have to try my very best to make it up to you then won’t I?” Her voice dripped with seduction and she rolled her hips up against him slowly, not helping Bill’s predicament in the slightest. “Baby,” he warned, feeling another twitch in his pants at the friction between them. She smiled up at him seemingly innocently, but eventually had mercy and relented, ceasing her movements and giving him a moment to collect himself before the crowds beckoned them onstage. She felt suddenly grateful that the pooling evidence of her own arousal was decidedly more easy to conceal than his. “Ready?” She breathed after a few minutes, a heady excitement back in her voice as the chanting of the audience beyond the stage grew louder and louder, calling for them. “Ready.” Bill smiled back, lacing his fingers through hers as they heard the opening chords of ‘Don’t Stop Thinking About Tomorrow’ strike up from the stage. They edged closer to the edge of the wings and waited for their cue, both taking one final deep breath before stepping out from behind the curtains. The heat of the lights shone brightly down onto them and they were hit by a wall of incredible sound as the crowd went wild, cheering their names in unison. Bill greeted the hordes of people with his usual charismatic charm and stole a quick glance over at Hillary, who was waving and smiling in awe. He could tell she was slightly overwhelmed and he squeezed her hand tightly as they crossed the stage and approached the microphone, where he began his speech to ripples of thunderous applause. “Well, you did it…! Are you proud to be an American today?” Bill gestured his hands out to the audience as he continued speaking and Hillary gazed at him totally hypnotized, her heart bursting with the pride she felt for her husband. Watching the way the people hung on his every word as he captured their spirits and reaffirmed in them the same sense of hope his campaign had promised, Hillary found herself falling in love with him all over again. “…And doesn’t Hillary look beautiful tonight?” Hillary felt her cheeks flush as she remembered Bill’s alternate phrasing of that sentiment to her earlier. He gave her a knowing look and she slowly raised her arm to wave as the crowds cheered and whistled for her. Bill found himself lost in the sight of her for a moment as he watched her in awe. America’s new First Lady; his incredible wife. Her smile shone so brightly with such warmth illuminating her whole face, and the intricate beading of her dress caught the colors of the lights as she moved across the stage. Even after all these years he was still so blown away by how utterly captivated she made him feel and how deeply in love with every single part of her he really was. She never failed to take his breath away for in his eyes, she truly glowed.

  When I saw you in that dress Looking so beautiful I don’t deserve it Darling you look perfect tonight

http://archiveofourown.org/works/10294244

[harlowcharlton]

After tearing apart his wardrobe that evening, Harlow had come to a particularly startling realisation. It appeared that Harlow owned an awful lot of denim.

It had never seemed a problem when he was getting ready for a shift at his favourite bookstore-cum-café. Everything he wore was bound to gain a few coffee stains and be covered in dog hair by the end of the day, anyway. And he never wore anything he had any special attachment to to the stables. To put it bluntly, Harlow was not a man made for dressing up. He was a man made for getting down and dirty, scuffing the toes of his favourite cowboy boots and wearing away the knees of his good jeans. But for Maverick, he really wanted to try.

Turning this way and that in front of his only full length mirror, at the very end of a particularly cramped hallway, Harlow tried to picture the kind of thing Mav would like. Truthfully, he didn’t know the other man very well, not enough to know exactly what he liked in a man, or on a man. But he knew enough to know that maybe Mav liked him. Enough to ask him out, at least. And he knew enough about Maverick to know that the sheer thought of him brought a smile to Harlow’s face. There was something about him, that pretty boy accent, every inch a southern gentleman. Something about those soft eyes, those full, pretty lips, something that made Harlow’s knees feel weak. Safe to say, he was harbouring a little bit of a crush.

Eventually, with every piece of clothing he owned scattered across his small, rustic bedroom, the majority of which lay littered across his hardwood floors, he pottered into the living room to find Marley, knees pulled up to her chest, one hand lazily tickling Bucket behind the ear. The blonde’s eyes were glued to some British sitcom she was currently in a love-hate relationship with, criticising the lazy jokes one minute and snort-laughing the next. It was real sweet, a welcome breaking up of the monotony of his home life. Harlow had had to step right in front the screen, blocking Marley’s view to get her opinion on his get up.

“Now, don’t laugh.” he’d warned, bracing his hands on his hips as he sported his final look. In the end, he’d gone for dark-wash denim jeans, paired with a denim shirt, in something Simon had once politely informed him was called a ‘Canadian tuxedo’, despite the fact Harlow was pretty sure Texans had a monopoly on it. Around his neck, an ascot of deep red lay tucked neatly, moving with every bob of his Adam’s apple. Raising an eyebrow at Marley, he’d asked, “Well, will I do?”

In the end, Marley licking her thumb to flatten an especially stubborn piece of hair that wouldn’t stop sticking up, she’d decided he’d do. Harlow felt somewhat good about himself, and pressing individual kisses to the top of both Marley and Bucket’s heads, he’d set off with a spring in his step and butterflies in his stomach.

He couldn’t believe he was lucky enough to be spending Valentine’s Day with a man like Maverick, a feat he’d previously thought impossible, like capturing lightning in a goddamn bottle. He, Harlow Charlton, had a Valentine! For the first time in a good couple of years, and he felt good about it, too. He’d somehow weaselled his way into a date with a man who made him feel like a giggly teenager. Never mind that there was a tiny, practically minute kicker, which was that perhaps Harlow’s eye might wander every now and again, given they’d be in the same vicinity as his favourite bartender.

When it came to the aforementioned harbouring of crushes, Harlow was pretty damn good at it. Rafferty Reyes was another man Harlow found his mind wandering towards, Harlow often having to be nudged by Billy during his shifts because he’d found himself daydreaming yet again about Raff’s hand wandering across the bar to envelop his own.

But tonight, he would put aside his fanciful daydreams and concentrate on the man who had asked him out. A man who wasn’t utterly unattainable, stuck in a loveless marriage and absolutely not okay for Harlow to fantasise about. Maverick? He was okay to fantasise about. And Harlow did. Quite regularly, actually.

Taking a deep breath as Harlow approached his final destination, Harlow let his boots skid to a stop. He was a few minutes early, after all, and it wouldn’t hurt to stop, repeat some light affirmations and gather up his courage to see not only one, but two extremely handsome men in the same bar tonight. Turning to the darkened window of a shop next door, Harlow tweaked his ascot, smoothed down the front of his shirt, and seriously began to re-think the denim on denim.

He didn’t have long to worry, however, as a familiar honeyed twang pulled him out of his reverie. Glancing sideways, a bright smile broke across the Texan’s face at the sight of Mav striding towards him, looking cute as a goddamn button. His stomach flipped and flopped like a fish on a hook as he lifted his hand in a shy wave.

“Hullo,” Harlow gushed, cheeks tinging a light red as Maverick gave him a quick clap on the shoulder. Before he had time to measure whether or not it was an entirely good idea, Harlow found himself leaning into the man, wrapping the Southerner in a quick, bright hug. Harlow’s lips sought out the other man’s cheek, his stubble rough against Harlow’s chin as he flushed even brighter. This was a date after all, right?

“I sure am!” Harlow chirped, trying to keep the waver out of his voice as he pulled back, tucking his thumb into his pocket just for something to do with his hands. “They got karaoke here?”

He bit his lip to suppress a smile as he thought about just how much Raff must hate that. Tons of drunk assholes crooning into the mic night after night, singing bad renditions of Billy Joel and Celine Dion. Sounded like an awful good time to Harlow, but then again, he and Raff were not all that alike.

“You strike me as a kind of Shania Twain man, am I right?” he chuckled, picturing Mav up on stage, loudly proclaiming that Man, he really did feel like a woman!

Shaking his head as he giggled, Harlow let his nerves do the talking as he surged forward, catching the man’s hand in his own. Interlocking his fingers with Maverick’s, he was surprised at how soft his hands were compared to his own. Nice hands, that helped little kids with their painting and thumbed through books and would probably feel absolutely wonderful running through his hair. The thought tugged on his heart warmly.

“Let’s go inside.” he led the way, pushing the door open to reveal the soft glow of the bar, the ruckus that was always contained inside, and the homely smell of cheap beer.

Pulling Maverick through the crowds, his eyes moved quickly from the few empty tables to the bar. It was pretty packed in the small bar, busier than Harlow had ever seen it actually, probably due to the nature of the date and the deal that had followed. Peering over the heads of the loved up patrons, Harlow could just about spot the sullen but still heartbreakingly gorgeous face of Raff, looking less than enthused about tonight’s crowd.

“You wanna go get a drink and I’ll get a table? First round’s on me.” he insisted, patting his back pocket to show Man he had his wallet on him. “Say hi to Raff for me, maybe?”

When Maverick had texted Harlow to invite him out this evening, he hadn’t actually expected the man to say yes. Despite the other man’s overwhelming kindness and deeply charming personality, Maverick still had an unhealthy tendency to assume the worst in himself. It was the sort of self-deprecating behaviour that he’d spent most of his life trying to untrain in others, but he never seemed particularly good at listening to his own advice. He’d never had a whole lot of friends and, while he had a knack for talking the ear off of just about anybody he encountered, he wasn’t always great at maintaining normal, healthy friendships with other adults. In truth, one of Mav’s favourite things about teaching children was knowing that, without fail, he could always rely on his kids to be honest with him and knock him down a few pegs. 

Despite his fretting, however, Harlow had agreed to spend the evening with him, and Maverick was thrilled to pieces at the thought. There was something about Harlow Charlton that just seemed right. He was like a breath of fresh air, bringing with him a healthy dose of nostalgia and homesickness, with Maverick marveling in the familiar cadence of his accent. Of course, it probably hadn’t gone unnoticed to the whole, wide, spectacular world that Maverick Rojas was sporting quite the crush on the cowboy-turned-bookseller that he’d recently become acquainted with, but he was sure hoping that it wouldn’t get in the way of them sparking up a dandy friendship. He didn’t want to make the man uncomfortable – certainly not after everything that had unfolded with Rafferty. 

Maverick’s mood suddenly soured at the thought of his friend. He was making his way to the very bar that Rafferty worked at, ready to meet Harlow outside in the next ten minutes or so, and he found himself with a sudden case of the jitters. In truth, Maverick hadn’t heard from his friend since New Year’s Day. While Rafferty and Helen had been so kind as to let Maverick stay over, he’d been so embarrassed by both their hospitality and his own behaviour that he’d slipped out early the next morning, keeping his head low and barely sparing their home a backwards glance. He wasn’t much one for texting unless something took his fancy, so he hadn’t had the courage to reach out to his friend and, truth be told, he’d been avoiding the bar at all costs. He could swear black and blue that he was just much too busy with work now that the new term had started back up again, but he was saving himself a whole heap of embarrassment and rosy cheeks by simply tucking himself away in the safety of his dark apartment, with the occasional glass of scotch to drown his sorrows. 

A part of him hoped that maybe, with a bit of luck, Rafferty might have the day off – but, as soon as the thought had entered his mind, Maverick banished it, guilt eating away at him over the mere thought. It felt unkind to wish that he might not see his friend; Strange as things might have panned out for the pair of them, Maverick still considered Rafferty to be his buddy, and he sure hoped the man returned the sentiment. It simply wouldn’t do for Mav to be letting a silly, schoolyard crush get in the way of whatever friendship remained and he was, quite frankly, a master at repressing any romantic or sexual desires he might be harboring. It shouldn’t be too difficult for him to set his feelings aside. 

Upon arriving outside the bar, he gave the area a quick scan, before finally spotting Handsome Harlow just a few short yards away from their meeting point. Maverick smiled to himself as he took a moment to just watch the other man, quietly endeared by the way he was adjusting his collar in the window of the store next door. He thought for a moment that in an alternate reality somewhere, he might quite like to take Harlow out on a date – but for now, he’d have to settle for simply going for drinks with his good pal. 

“Why, fancy seein’ you here,” Maverick called out, a wide smile lighting up his face.  

He felt a twinge in his heart as the reality of having not one, but two crushes on two lovely yet unattainable men caught up with him. He pushed that thought to the back of his mind, though, and simply clapped a hand on Harlow’s shoulder as he finally reached the other man. He sure did look mighty handsome today – Maverick was starting to wish he’d made more of an effort past his favourite jeans – Simon once told him they made his booty look spectacular! – and his collared shirt with ducks on it that Ellie had gotten him for Christmas. 

“You all set for a night of cheap drinks, delightful company, and tryin’ to pull me away from the karaoke machine?” Maverick joked.