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iamjungkooked · 5 years

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All In

Synopsis:

Jeon Jungkook is everything you have ever desired in a partner. He’s kind, passionate, funny, honest, warm and every positive adjective in the dictionary. He totally gets you and you get him. He seems like the perfect guy for you, except he is dating your best friend. What could possibly go wrong?

The four times you get the wind knocked out of you by Jeon Jeongguk

Genre: Angst (a lot of it) + mild smut + a li’l bit of fluff but mostly angst

Pairing: Jungkook x female reader

Word count: 13.1k

A/N: a huge thank you to you if you read this. Any kind of feedback is appreciated ❤️ I hope you enjoy it!

*****************

So far there have been two times in your life where you have gotten the wind knocked out of you. The first was when you saw your favourite band in concert for the first time ever. The second is when you see Jeon Jeongguk across the room at your best friend’s party.

{3 years ago}

Standing in the corner of the room, you scan the crowd that has filled the house. As you continue your examination, your eyes catch a stranger across the room. He’s got a beer in one hand, and with the other, he is running a hand through his hair. To say you feel unsteady on your feet and can’t breathe would be an understatement. Immediately mesmerized by his smile, you find it hard to take your eyes off him. He catches your gaze across the room, and you immediately lower your eyes. Fidgeting with your phone, you leave from the crowded living room and make an escape for the front yard of Mina’s house, which is the only quiet place.

The night is silent, save for the sounds of crickets chirping into the distance somewhere. You amble quietly towards the tree in the yard, which is yours and Mina’s favourite spot. Dusting off the roots that protrude from the ground, you sit down and rest your head against the bark.

“I thought I saw someone heading in this direction” the nameless stranger from before makes an appearance, almost making you lose your balance even though you are sitting.

“Hi” you tuck a strand of hair behind your ear

“What are you doing out here leaving that awesome party?” he chuckles as he sits next to you, drawing his knees to his chest.

“It’s too loud. Not my kind of scene” you play with your hands in an effort to detract from the nervousness.

“Thought I was the only one”

You shake your head. “I took you for the parties-are-my-thing- kind of guy”

With eyebrows raised in surprise, he looks at you. “Really? What makes you say that?”

“Only the people swarming around you, and just your general aura. I guess” you shrug.

“Hmm” he nods in thought. “I am Jungkook, by the way” his hand crosses the gap between you, and he holds it in front of you.

You look at his hand for a moment, before sliding yours in. “I am y/n”

“Nice to meet you” his lips stretch in that perfect smile, which is capable of breaking hearts.

“So, if parties aren’t your thing, what do you like?” he asks after a moment of silence.

“Nature, books, Netflix of course, and people watching”

He laughs at your response and nods his head. “I haven’t met a single person to date who doesn’t like Netflix. But people watching, now that is something I haven’t heard before”

“I mean, you would have to be some kind of a monster to not like Netflix. People watching is a weird name for it, but more like observing my surroundings. People more so than other details.” you chuckle at the ridiculousness of it. “The human condition is very fascinating”

“How so?” his interest piques.

“You can learn a lot about someone just by looking at them. I don’t mean giving them a once over, but really observing them”

“So what did you learn about me?” he grins with a twinkle in his eyes.

“You are confident given your posture. Definitely an extrovert, since you just struck up a conversation with a random stranger. You keep an open and inviting body language, which tells me you aren’t afraid of showing your true self and letting people in. What else?” you pause in thought. “That is all I can think of right now”

“Was I just a part of the crowd or did I happen to strike your fancy? I saw you looking at me”

“Oh that…” your lower your gaze partly in nervousness and partly in embarrassment. “I am sorry if that was weird. I was looking around the room, and I saw you and just…” you trail off.

“It’s alright. I am happy you did. Otherwise, I would never have come up to you and I never would have known how intelligent and fascinating you are”

You didn’t expect him to respond like that which eases your nervousness, allowing you to gather the courage to look at him. “You are good at giving compliments. Thank you” you smile at him, heart beating slightly faster than usual.

“Actually, thank you. For saving me from boring conversations” he motions his head to Mina’s house. “I am glad I met you. I have seriously never met anyone like you”

“I have never met anyone like me either” your lips stretch into a grin.

“What do you gather about them?” Jungkook points to presumably a couple in the making sitting on the steps leading to the house.

“Why don’t you give it a shot?” you prompt with a crooked grin.

He mulls the offer for a moment. “Well…” he pauses as he studies the couple. “She’s leaning in, so she’s definitely interested. He might be interested but he’s put a little bit of distance between them. So maybe he’s not sure about her. She’s touching his arm, and she just threw her head back and laughed so she’s totally into whatever he said. Either that or she likes him so much that she’s just laughing at whatever. He’s fidgeting with his hands, so maybe he’s nervous” he looks to you for confirmation. “How am I doing so far?”

“You are a pro at it Mr. Jungkook”

His smile widens. “The effect of hanging out with intelligent people” he winks.

You chuckle and shake your head. “It’s funny isn’t it?”

“What?” he turns to look at you.

“It takes a lot for two people to be together. There are so many layers and so many complexities and so much drama involved. There is no guarantee that we’ll be happy once we find whatever we’re looking for. Yet, we’re all desperately searching for the one person who can give us the validation we need without even knowing where we will end up. It might be a good person or a bad one, but we never stop. It’s like actively looking for heartbreak, and that possibility is somehow better than being alone”

“Everyone wants to be loved. I don’t think it’s the feelings that we crave or even physical contact. I think it’s the fact that someone is choosing us for who we are. You know the whole package of good, bad, and ugly. That is why we have so many dating websites now. Everyone wants in” he replies looking at the couple who is still sitting on the steps.

He gets you. You can actually have a proper conversation with him. He’s the whole package too. He’s smart, and from what you can tell a genuinely kind guy. He’s not just a superficial guy, like many others you have met before who only want to talk about interests and hobbies, and likes or dislikes because those are the topics of conversation when you first meet someone. God forbid, you actually dig deeper and try to unravel the many layers of human personality.

“Do you want in?” you question.

“I-” he’s interrupted by Mina, who is approaching.

“Y/N!” she squeals and you move to stand up, but Jungkook is already offering you his hand.

You slide your hand in his and nod your head for a thank you.

“Oh my god! Thank god you guys met!” she exclaims. “I was so scared to introduce you guys to each other. But the universe took care of it for me” she looks heavenward and sighs.

You can smell the alcohol on her breath. Mina is a typical social animal. She’s got tons of friends, and whenever the occasion arises she hosts parties . Of course, like any other extrovert, she is constantly embroiled in the painful cycle of relationships. She’s had so many boyfriends over the years, you can’t even count anymore. Ever since you met her in grade 1, she’s always had someone she’s either crushing on, or she’s in a relationship with. She is the perfect example of people suffering from “love syndrome” as you like to call it. But she’s also your best friend because, despite everything, she will fiercely defend you if anyone hurts you, and she’s always there for you. She’s been through thick and thin with you and in the 2 decades of friendship, you have gone through a lot with her.

“What do you mean?” your brows knit together in confusion.

“Y/n, this is Jungkook. He’s my boyfriend”

You blink at her owlishly because there is no other way to respond. You never thought there would be a third time when you would feel like you have been sucker-punched. But this is it. This is the third time in your life when you felt like the wind was knocked out of you.

By the end of the night, all the fantasies you had built in your head about marrying him, having a cute family together, and living a cliche suburban life came crashing down.

Because Jeon Jeongguk is your best friend’s boyfriend.

*********

{Present day}

“Please do it!” Mina begs folding her hands, following you around like a child needing attention.

“No!” you shake your head as you pick up the cleaning agent and the cloth and head over to the table that was occupied by a group of high school students. Mina follows you to the table. You begin cleaning the mess the kids made.

“Why!?” she questions.

You can’t give her the real reason. So you settle for the whole I-don't-have-time-to-date-right now spiel. But there is only one reason why you don’t want to date: Jungkook. As hopeless, and wrong it is to have a one-sided love for him, you just can’t seem to invest in anyone else. As much as your instincts and reasoning contradict this stubborn desire of yours, you still can’t seem to detach yourself from the insufferable feelings.

He is, after all, Mina’s boyfriend. So that should make things easy. But not for you. It’s been three years since Mina and Jeongguk got together. It was three years ago you when your pining for him began and it’s three years later and you are still stuck in the same place. Sometimes being around him is suffocating. Sometimes you hate him for being the reason behind your inability to move on. It’s been three years and you have not understood what it is about him that appeals so much to you.

At first, it was the fact that you could have genuine conversations with him. But then you met Kim Namjoon, who is your ex-boyfriend. It was surprisingly easy with Namjoon. You could talk about the most superficial to the deepest things in the span of one conversation. Namjoon managed to stimulate your mind in a way most people can’t. Yet, it didn’t work out because of your inability to invest in the relationship. But you did end up getting another best friend out of it.

Being with Namjoon made you realize that it’s not that you could have genuine conversations with Jungkook that made you like him, but it was the unfathomable truth that you just liked him. That was all there was to it. Love without a reason is the hardest to grasp and it was no wonder you are having difficulties understanding your emotions.

“Bullshit!” Mina yells, startling you with her shrill voice. You turn around to face her.

“Bullshit? My choices are bullshit for you?”

“Yes. You have been doing this for so long to yourself that you can’t even see what you are doing is not good for you” she stares at you unyieldingly.

“If you really knew what I wanted, we wouldn’t be having this conversation. In fact, we wouldn’t even…” you feel the anger which is prompting you to act this way.

“Wouldn’t even what?” she folds her arms against her chest, and motions her head at you.

“Look” you sigh. “I have had a long day Mina. I can’t get into this and trust me it’s better this way” you begin to walk back to the cash counter and shut the tiny gate so Mina can’t enter

She is relentless in her pursuit of you as she follows you to the counter and leans against it. “Why can’t you just go on one date with Hoseok? He’s a perfectly nice guy!”

“Because I can’t date!” you reply.

I only want your boyfriend, which makes me the biggest bitch in the entire world.

“It’s not that you can’t. It’s just you don’t want to and I want to know why. I am not forcing you, babe. I am just worried for you” her brows furrowed together in concern.

“I am sorry Min. I love you but please drop this” you open the cash drawer and begin counting the bills.

“No. This has gone on forever” she digs her heels into the ground to prove to you just how serious she is.

You drop the bills you were holding in the cash drawer, and slam it shut. It’s good that the cafe has closed early because you can actually leave. You turn around and go to the back where you know Mina can’t follow you. But you can still hear her rambling by herself, which she does when she is pissed. You roughly take off the apron and instead of hanging it on the hook, you leave it on the floor. At this point, you just need to get away from her. Grabbing your coat from one of the other hooks, you go back out the way you came in.

Of course, Mina is still there, but she’s sitting in one of the booths, her eyes glued to her phone. You walk past her towards the door and hear her calling out. But instead of turning around you walk right out and take a right on the street. You have no idea where you are going, but you are too wired to try and figure it out.

You put in your headphones and pull the hoodie over your head. The sound of music instantly soothes the anger that had built up. You turn around to make sure she is not following you and when you find yourself on the street alone you let out a long exhale.

You don’t see it because you were somehow too busy gawking at the cobbled sidewalk, but you end up bumping into someone.

“I am so-” you stop midway because it’s none other than Jeon Jeongguk.

“Hi, stranger” he steadies you by putting his hands on your shoulder.

“Sorry I didn’t see you” you pull out your headphones and shove them in the hoodie pocket.

“Are you okay? You look a little stressed”

How he always knows what you’re feeling, you’ll never know. That is one of the things you like about him. You never have to say anything to him and he always knows how you feel, which at times makes you wonder if he is aware of your feelings towards him. If he is, then there is nothing worse and more embarrassing than that.

“Can’t hide anything from you, can I?” you sigh and look heavenward, and stretch your neck to the right.

“No. I know you extremely well” he rubs concentric circles on your arms, and that is when you realize he had been holding you the entire time.

“Your girlfriend and I just got into a little argument and I might or might not have been completely unreasonable and by default a bitch”

“Another date?” he questions, his hands still on your arms as he switches to gentle stroking. You almost want to move away, put some distance. But you like the feeling of him touching you too much to do that. At this point, all you want to do is, collapse in his arms, and let him hug all the negative energy away. But you can’t. It’s absolutely and completely wrong. Even wanting that, makes you feel like you are the worst human being to ever exist. You have to grapple with so much guilt every day that it’s a true wonder you still have the ability to feel the whole spectrum of emotions.

You remember he asked you a question and nod. You don’t even need to ask how he knows. He’s Jeongguk and he’ll always know. So, why you aren’t together despite being so perfectly in tune with one another, you don’t know.

“I am exhausted” you mumble, feeling your lip tremble and a lump form in your throat. It’s the worst possible moment to cry but he’s standing right there in front of you. You already feel too much from your conversation with Mina and now Jeongguk is there and you can’t help it. Loving him is the worst thing ever. It’s like drugs. You know they are bad for you, yet you can’t give them up. You realize what you had told him on the night you first met about human- beings actively looking for heartbreak.

The irony of that statement hits you because you are doing exactly that, despite telling yourself you never would. First guilt, then hurt, and now self-betrayal.

“Hey” he whispers in a soft voice, which makes it even harder to hold your tears back.

You sniffle as they fall one by one. You tuck your chin into your neck so he can’t see you. You should not be crying in front of your best friend’s fucking boyfriend. But there you are, doing exactly that. It almost feels cheap because you feel like you are forcing him to react in a way that he shouldn’t because he’s Jeongguk and he’s nice and he’ll do whatever he can do to comfort you. So knowing him you know what’s coming next.

Sure enough, he wraps one arm around your waist, and with his other, he gently pats the back of your head. You bury your face in his chest.

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to” he continues to gently caress your hair.

You sniffle again and press your face in his chest further. He doesn’t say anything and holds you. But he shouldn’t because Mina isn’t there. It’s too intimate.

You sniffle again and remember how wrong this is. “I am sorry” you pull away from his arms.

Jeongguk almost looks shocked, and a little bit disappointed too. Maybe you are being delusional. He nods and slides his hands into his jean pockets. Neither of you say a word and stand in the middle of the sidewalk unable to look at each other.

“A-anyway” you croak. “You should go check up on Mina” you offer a weak smile.

His lips push into a thin line. “Take care y/n”

You walk past him, your arm brushing against his. A few steps down the sidewalk you look back and see him disappearing into the corner and then he’s gone. That's’ when you finally break down.

Why does it have to be him?

*********

Mina hasn’t spoken to you in 24 hours which is a record for her, considering she is a chatterbox. You don’t know how to approach this new development in your friendship. If anything, it strengthens your resolve of preventing Mina from knowing your feelings. Because if she is this angry when you refused a date with another guy, it’s easy to imagine how angry and hurt she would be if she knew your feelings.

The only person you can think of at the moment for help is Jeongguk. But you will be damned if you ask him. You need to stay as far away from him as possible and figure your life out because you have decided you cannot be a pathetic loser for the rest of your life. So the only way to kill two birds with one stone is to do what you are about to say.

“I’ll meet Hoseok” you glance at Mina and then pretend to flip through the magazine.

It’s silent. That is not what you were expecting. You look up to confirm if she is there and that she heard you. She is present alright. But she’s frozen at the spot, and she is staring at you with the eyes of someone in complete disbelief. If they open any wider, you are sure her eyeballs will pop out of their sockets.

“Are you serious?” she moves so quickly, you don’t even register she is sitting next to you on the couch.

“Yeah” you close the magazine.

“Oh my god. I never thought you would say yes!” she wraps you in a hug so fast that you both end up toppling over and you hit your back against the couch.

“I’ll go” you pat her on the back.

“Yes!” she squeals and sits up, allowing you to do the same. “Well, since I know how much you hate going on first dates, I already invited him over for dinner tonight” she looks at you with anticipation.

“How did you know I was going to say yes?”

“I know you better than you know yourself, honey” she laughs.

“That is true” you laugh with her.

“I cannot wait for you to meet him y/n. He’s so sweet and I am already imagining your cute babies together!” she exclaims and wraps you in another hug.

*********

Mina left the house to go get groceries. She wasn’t exactly a good cook, so obviously, Jeongguk was going to come over and cook for everyone. He was going to come anyway since Mina had arranged a dinner. He was perfect in every way possible. Mina was such a lucky person to have found him. He was lucky to find someone as caring as her too. The only unlucky person is you, who is stuck with horrible unrequited feelings.

It comes as no surprise that Jeongguk arrives earlier at your place. The weather suddenly takes a turn for the worse with lighting and thunder making a sudden appearance in the sky every so often. You can hear the wind howling outside the window. Jeongguk enters the house completely soaked.

“Oh my god Jeongguk” you exclaim and sidestep quickly to let the poor man in.

“I am okay” he sneezes.

“Yeah. Totally” you roll your eyes and take the bags from him and leave them on the kitchen counter. “By the way, Mina went to get groceries. I guess she didn’t inform you”

Jeongguk sighs and shakes his head. “As usual, she did not”

You hurry to the bathroom and grab a spare towel for Jeongguk. You hand it to him and he runs it through his black locks, which fall over his forehead. “I am going to wash up before I catch a cold” he sniffles.

“But your clothes…”

“Mina’s room” he supplies.

Your heart sinks. Of course, Mina has a spare set or two of his clothes. He is her boyfriend, you remind yourself.

“Right” you smile halfheartedly.

Jeongguk turns on his heels and disappears into the bathroom. While he’s gone you arrange the groceries on the counter so it’s easier for him when he’s cooking. You know you shouldn’t do nice things for him because it only makes you more attached. But somehow when you see him every resolve you have ever built goes out of the window.

{2 years ago}

“I wish I had met you before I met Mina” Jeongguk muses in his drunken state as you support him. If you knew holding him up would be such a nuisance, you would never have let him drink this much. Mina is a similar story if not worse. By the time you get into the taxi, Mina is already asleep and snoring away and Jeongguk is softly mumbling something you cannot make out. Shutting the backseat door, you get into the passenger seat and give the driver the address to your apartment which you share with Mina.

The car starts moving and you look back to find Jeongguk’s and Mina’s limbs entangled with each other. You chuckle and face forward, hoping that getting them into the apartment would be a better experience than getting them into the taxi. You arrive fairly quickly.

The taxi driver was kind enough to lend you a hand with Jeongguk, after you settle Mina into her bed. You give him an extra tip for kindness because you couldn’t have supported Jeongguk all by yourself, especially since people tend to feel heavier when they are asleep.

After paying for the taxi, you enter the apartment and take your shoes off at the entrance. You can hear Jeongguk rambling something in his sleep once more, and go to check on him. Throwing your purse on the coffee table, you crouch down and take his shoes off. Then you collapse next to him, feeling like all energy has been drained out of you.

Jeongguk snuggles up to you, which causes your breath to catch in your throat. “Jeongguk” you try to push away his arm from your waist, but he has you locked in. Even in a drunken state he’s that strong.

“Jeongguk” you call him again, hoping this time he would let you go.

“Just stay like this” he mumbles. “You smell good”

“I am y/n. Not Mina”

“I know. I am drunk but not that drunk” he tightens his hold around your waist and snuggles further into the crook of your neck. “Please. Stay. I like you y/n. Don’t leave me”

The moment he utters those words, you forget to breathe. He’s completely wasted and he won’t remember any of it which means you shouldn’t react to it at all because it’s meaningless. Yet, your body reacts. Your heart quickens, stomach tightens in knots. Out of guilt you glance at the partly closed door of Mina’s room.

“No you don’t. You’re drunk” you manage to say as you turn to look at him. His eyes are closed and he’s half asleep yet he insists he isn’t that drunk.

“I know you think I am wasted. But drunk people don’t lie y/n. I like you and I wish” he stops. “I wish really badly that you and I…” he trails off and the sounds of his heavy breathing fills the room. You look down at him sleeping soundly and only one thought occupies your head.

“Why does it have to be you Jeongguk” you whisper to yourself, closing your eyes and letting slumber take you.

The next morning, you wake up alone with a blanket drawn over you and Jeongguk isn’t there.

*********

“Y/n” you are drawn out of reverie by Jeongguk’s voice. “Where are you lost?” he asks.

You blink away the thoughts in your mind and focus on him. “Uhh.. nothing. I was just thinking about something”

“You think a lot you know?” he chuckles as he moves behind the kitchen counter and starts washing the vegetables and laying them out on the cutting board.

“It’s a disease” you reply with a smile of your own. Grabbing the water jug, you pour yourself a glass of water. Being parched around Jeongguk is like an occupational hazard because loving him somehow has become your full-time job. You are in the midst of taking a sip when-

“But that’s what I like about you” he replies in a mindless manner, all focus directed at chopping the vegetables that he doesn’t even look at you.

You choke on the water, followed by a coughing fit which immediately grabs Jeongguk’s attention. He rushes to your side and begins stroking your back in a gentle manner. It only makes you cough harder because that what happens when he touches you; whatever you are feeling in the moment is amplified ten times more.

“I am okay” you croak heavily, grabbing your throat.

“You scared me for a moment” Jeongguk shakes his head. “You good?”

You really want to ask him what he meant by his earlier statement, but that will only cause you to spiral. You will dissect it to the point of driving yourself nuts. When it comes to him, you are back to being a fucking teenager. It doesn’t really get much worse than that.

“Yeah” you clear your throat and stay at your spot while he turns his back to you and resumes chopping the vegetables and you-- well-- you stay you.

“Hey” Jeongguk looks at you over his shoulder. “Did Mina mention anything to you?”

“Like what?” you question, suddenly curious.

“We just had a little fight. So, I thought she might have said something to you”

“Surprisingly enough she didn’t. Would it matter if she told me?” you prod further and move closer to where he is standing.

Jeongguk abandons the knife and his intention to prep for whatever he’s making as he does a 360 turn to face you. “It matters what you think” he shrugs. “To me” he adds whilst leaning his back against the kitchen counter and scrutinizing you in a most intense manner.

You stare at this lovely man who stands in front of you. A man you love so much, that you don’t know what to do with your feelings. A man who makes you want to cry every time he’s around because everything is hopeless. In fact, if you could, you would cry right now because when he’s around there is always a tight feeling in your throat which you have to keep swallowing down.

“Why do you always say things like that?” suddenly things become much more serious. You can feel it in the air.

He’s silent as he regards you. You wait, feeling the weight of it as every moment passes.

“I am not supposed to say this. Hell, I am crazy for even thinking this but I have wrestled with this for so long” he scratches the nape of his neck.

Don’t Jeongguk, You scream inside your head

You have an inkling as to what he’ll say.

“Don’t” you shake your head before he even opens his mouth. He looks at you and you know he understands what you mean.

“So you know” he steps closer, and you take a step backwards.

“No” you whisper. He takes another step forward and you take another backwards. “I didn’t know. Until now” the words fall as another whisper through your lips. He moves forward, and you move backwards.

“You?” he questions. “Do you?” he prods. He doesn’t even need to complete the question because you know what he’s asking. You have waited for this moment for three years. You clearly never imagined it would happen so suddenly, nor while he was still with Mina.

“Will my answer change anything?” You continue your little dance as you step back again while steps towards you.

“Maybe not” he speaks so softly, it’s almost at the edge of a whisper. The only sounds in the room are that of the refrigerator and the sound of the heating system as it turns on.

“We shouldn’t be doing this” you look him in the eyes. That is when you realize how terrifying it is to look in someone’s eyes and see how they feel.

“I know” he takes his final step forward and has you pinned against the kitchen counter. He places his hands on either side of you on the white marble. “Is it bad that I want to” he leans in and his lips hover so near to yours, that you can almost taste his signature strawberry scent.

You know what you should say, but it’s not easy because you want it too. Maybe this is your chance. Maybe if you just say ‘no’ now it will put an end to all those painful feelings. It’s right at the tip of your tongue. You can’t believe you are actually considering it. But then an image of Mina flashes to your mind, which pulls you back into reality.

“Yes, it’s bad. We can’t. No matter how much we want to. We can’t do it. We’re good people” you lick your lips as your eyes bounce to his lips.

“What do I do?” he whispers against your lips. “You make me want to be a bad person y/n” he caresses your cheek and reaching up your hands clench onto the material of his shirt.

“ It’s only a moment. It’ll pass. I know you won’t do it, no matter how strongly you feel about this. You’re a good person Jeongguk.” your voice cracks because you are so close. You are so close yet so far from him that it breaks your heart for the millionth time and tears well up in your eyes.

“And that’s the problem isn’t it?” he bites his lip. He rests his forehead against yours and closes his eyes. For the next few moments, your breathing even out and matches with his. You stand there trapped between his arms, trying your best to soak this feeling because it will never happen again. The fact that you are doing this simple thing is wrong on so many levels you begin to feel the guilt creep up. You begin to feel ashamed of yourself for even letting him this close but goddamn it, you want him so bad you can’t help it.

Taking a deep breath he pulls back and steps backwards, putting some space between you.

You smile at him.

“How can you smile at a time like this?” he muses softly, eyes resting on you.

“Just knowing how you feel is enough. It’s more than enough Jeongguk”

He regards you in silence, his eyes bouncing from your eyes to your lips and back again.

“I am already feeling weak y/n. Don’t be that nice. I might just kiss you”

“And knowing that is enough. You’re with Mina and I could never do that to her. I know you would never do that to her either. Maybe one-day karma will bless us with something good” you pause. He waits in silence for you to continue. “Just not today”

He nods very slowly. “Just. Not. Today” he repeats softly.

*********

You, Mina, Hoseok and Jeongguk sit on the circular dining table. If there was ever a slim chance that you could skip one moment of your life and go to the next, it would be this one. Never have you felt so awkward. It’s not Hoseok. It’s not Mina. It’s Jeongguk. It’s the way he looks at you when you speak to Hoseok. It’s the way his eyes tell you to stop when you laugh with Hoseok. When you told him the first night you met him you were good at reading people, you meant it. Because you can read him like a book right now. His halfhearted smiles, listless eyes, closed-off body language clearly express his disinterest in the entire evening.

He hasn’t spoken a word to Hoseok the whole time. Jeongguk has only glared at Hoseok or completely avoided looking at him. You glance at Mina and Hoseok who are completely immersed in their conversation. It leaves you and Jeongguk. But you won’t say anything to each other. Not after admitting you like each other in the vaguest way possible. It’s because you can’t be together that makes it awkward.

Mina and Hoseok are immersed in their conversation which leaves you and Jeongguk to do the same per social rules. But it’s too much, too soon. You can’t even look at him properly without wanting to cry. But somehow knowing his feelings has lessened the burden of your own feelings.

“Y/n” Mina puts a hand on yours. “Help with the dishes please” she motions her head to the kitchen

You comply, but only after glancing at Jeongguk. He shakes his head signalling you not to go because he’ll be left alone with Hoseok. You mouth ‘sorry’ to him and follow Mina into the kitchen.

“So. What do you think of Hoseok?” Mina questions as she puts all the plates in the sink.

“He’s…. Nice” which is true. But he isn’t Jeon Jeongguk and therein lies the problem.

“Do you like him?” Mina turns around to look at you, and places her palms behind her on the counter and leans against it.

You should say yes because it’s the only way you’ll move forward. But since you have been hit with the disease of stupidity all you can manage is a shake of your head. “ I am sorry”

“I know. I can tell” she smiles.

“I know I shouldn't bring this up because this is about me and not you. But did you and Jeongguk fight?”

“He told you?” she doesn’t even try to deny it.

“No” you lie. You wouldn’t throw him under the bus. “It’s the way you are with each other today. You are distant from each other”

“Goddamn, you and your people-watching skills” Mina sighs. “I am not going to lie to you y/n. Things are not the same anymore. We’re trying. We are trying so hard to get back to the way things were, but you know that connection you feel when you get together with someone? It’s just not there anymore. But we promised we wouldn’t give up on it and try to make it work”

Unsure how to feel about it, you offer a halfhearted smile. On the one hand, you should be happy your best friend is working for her relationship, but on the other hand, this means that you might actually get your chance with Jeongguk someday. You try to shake the latter thought away because it is wrong. No, in fact, it is immoral for you to think that way about your best friend’s situation like that.

Just then Hoseok strolls into the kitchen. “Everything okay ladies?”

“Yeah. Actually, I need to speak with Jeongguk for a moment if you two will excuse me” she smiles at you knowingly before she leaves the room.

Surprisingly enough you don’t panic. Normally, you would be internally freaking out, trying to think of every which way you could get out of this situation. But you’re not doing anything like that. It’s probably because you know how Jeongguk feels now and the element of the unknown has been erased from the equation. Now that you know, you don’t have to kill yourself over and over again for thinking it’s just you. It’s him too which makes it easier to move on because now you should. It feels like closure. Not to move on, would be akin to sabotaging their relationship. And a saboteur you are not.

“Jeongguk seems like a nice guy” Hoseok muses as he looks down at the floor.

“ Yeah. He is” you clear your throat, definitely surprised at him for bringing Jeongguk up. It’s not exactly a first “date” topic of conversation.

“Let’s be real with each other y/n” his eyes move from the floor to you. “You and I are both not interested in dating each other. I can tell by looking at you. I also know that something is definitely up with you and Jeongguk”

“No-” you try to speak but he raises his hand.

“Don’t worry I won’t tell Mina” he reassures you. “Since I know that about you, it’s only fair I tell you that I feel the same way about Mina as you do about Jeongguk”

“What!” you look at him with raised eyebrows.

“I have liked her since the first day we started working together. We talked about a lot of things and I just felt this connection with her. But she told me she has a boyfriend, so I let it go. But working at the same place and seeing each other 5 days of the week doesn’t exactly make moving on an easy task” he sighs.

“I can understand that” you offer in agreement.

“So, I am in the same position as you except I don’t think Mina feels the same way about me that Jeongguk does about you” a corner of his mouth rises up in a sympathy-smile.

“No” you shake your head vigorously as if that will change his opinion. “You have got it wrong. Jeongguk doesn’t”

“I see the way he looks at you y/n. It’s the way I look at Mina. Love doesn’t know what’s right and what’s wrong and our bodies respond to it without us even noticing. I don’t think he knows it either. He looks at you the way a connoisseur of art looks at paintings. Bad metaphor, but it’s true”

“I honestly don’t know what to say to that because anything I say will be wrong” you huff through your nose as your shoulder slouch.

“It is tricky. But it is what it is. We can’t change how we feel any more than a cow can learn how to fly” he chuckles.

“You really have a thing for metaphors don’t you?” the corners of your lips stretch into a smile.

“What else can a man do but pull out bad metaphors in a situation as dramatic as this” she shrugs casually in his defence.

“I agree. Don’t worry I’ll keep your secret too” you reply. You are in no position to interfere with this matter because you are doing the exact same thing as Hoseok. You would be the last person to throw Hoseok under the bus because you totally understand him.

Silence befalls, but it’s the comfortable kind of silence because now you both know each other’s deepest secrets. And that makes you more than friends. So you feel comfort in knowing that you are not the only one. Not that it makes the guilt feeling creep back into the shadows.

Just when he is about to say something, your attention is stolen away by the sound of what seems like arguing. You can clearly distinguish when Jeongguk is speaking and when Mina is. Hoseok and you share a look before treading a few steps closer to the entrance of the kitchen.

“Well, why the fuck are we even here then?” Mina shouts.

“Because we wanted to try didn’t we? Goddamn it!” Jeongguk replies in an equally loud manner.

“I can’t do this right now Jeongguk”

“Me neither” Jeongguk replies.

Then you hear the sound of the door slamming shut. You and Hoseok look at each other, clearly aware of how sour the situation turned very quickly. Both of you make your way to the living room where the sounds were coming from. The closer you get, the sound of sniffling gets louder.

“Oh Mina…” you hug her and she cries on your shoulder. You gently stroke her back and let her cry it out. Because God knows this is the least you can do to be a good friend because you haven’t been a good friend to her at all.

“You- you h-h-heard that didn’t you?” she chokes in between sobs.

“I am sorry. But we were in the kitchen and we could hear everything” you squeeze tighter around her waist as her body wracks with violent sobs.

She pulls away from you and wipes her eyes with the back of her hand. She glances at Hoseok and then at you. “I am sorry you guys had to see this”

“It’s alright” Hoseok interjects as he sits down on the other side of Mina.

“Where did Jeongguk go?” you ask Mina.

“I don’t know” she sniffles and Hoseok hands her a tissue that she uses to wipe her nose.

“I would ask Hoseok to go, but they don’t know each other. Is it alright if I go check up on him?” you ask Mina for permission because it’s the right thing to do.

She sniffles again. “He’s probably off somewhere crying his eyes out too”

You chuckle at the thought of it because it sounds sweet. “Thanks, Min” you kiss her cheek before standing up. Glancing at Hoseok, you nod at him and does the same in understanding.

*********

“Hey stranger”

Jeongguk turns around to face you. The wind whips through his hair, making his hair stand up in every direction. He turns back around. You approach him slowly with your hands behind your back. You pause next to the bench on which he is sitting and watch as he stares mindlessly at the black sky twinkling with hundreds of stars.

“I thought I would find you up here on the roof” you glance at him but he’s still preoccupied with looking at the sky. You take a seat on the other corner of the bench, ensuring you put plenty of space in between.

“I guess you know me as well as I know you” Jeongguk deliberates.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” you turn to look at him, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear as the wind blows through your hair.

“It would just complicate things even more” he shrugs and fidgets with his fingers.

“Does my being here make you nervous?” your eyes flicker to his fingers and then to his face.

“Yes,” he replies in a soft, almost inaudible voice.

“Do you want me to leave?” you question, heart thumping in your chest waiting for his answer.

He remains silent, still playing with his fingers. Still not looking at you. So, you take that as your cue to leave. You get up and pivot on your heels, about to leave when you feel his hand hook around your wrist. You turn to look at him and he shakes his head, pleading with his eyes as they bore into yours.

“‘Stay” he manages to say.

So you sit down. Silence falls and both you gaze at the sky. Even silence with him isn’t terrible like it is with other people.

“Hey, do you want to go get coffee?” Jeongguk turns to look at you.

“Now?” your brows rise in question

“Yes. Coffee Monster would still be open”

You mull it over for a moment. How ‘right’ would it be for you to get coffee with him when Mina is downstairs in a sad state? Not at all. You should be with her because she is your best friend. You should be the one consoling her right but Hoseok is doing that for you. He’s there when you are not. Instead, you are on this roof with Jeon Jeongguk; the last person you should be alone with given your predilection for him, seriously considering if you should take him up on his offer.

“If you are thinking it’s wrong for us to be alone like this. Let me remind you we are friends too” Jeongguk poses with a shoulder shrug casually.

“Okay. Let’s get coffee” he manages to put you at ease. It is enough for you to agree.

*********

Just like the world is starved for love, it’s also apparently starved for coffee. There is some kind of coffee place at the corner of every block. It’s ridiculous. You walk side by side, hands warming in your pockets, occasionally glancing at each other but not exchanging a single word. Jeongguk kicks his feet as he walks, and you copy him, making a game out of it. Maybe for this one night, he can just be your friend, and you don’t have to feel guilty about your feelings for him.

You arrive at Coffee Monster, and like the gentleman he is, Jeongguk opens the door for you.

“Thank you, kind sir” your lips widen in a smile

“No problem m’ lady” he tips his head graciously.

The smell of coffee wafts to your nose and you inhale it all in because nothing like coffee to make you feel better.

“I’ll go get our drinks” he offers kindly.

“I want-”

“An iced caramel macchiato, with soy milk, and extra caramel on the top. I know” he smiles.

How does he always do this? It warms your heart every single time and makes it that much harder to let go of him.

“As usual, you’re right” you mirror the smile.

He goes to the ordering counter, while you go to find a spot to wait for him. You pull out your phone and send a quick text to Mina.

You: Mina are you doing okay?

A second later your phone chimes

Mina: yes, I am okay. How is Jeongguk?

You wonder if you should tell her you are getting coffee with him just to be transparent. But then you decide against it because what if she takes it the wrong way? You don’t want to upset her more than she already is.

You: Yeah. He seems to be doing okay 😊

Mina: Okay, love. Take care of yourself and him 🤗

You look up to find a girl next to Jeongguk, with long brunette hair, and modelesque features, chatting with him at the pickup station. She’s leaning into him with a suggestive smile on her face, gently touching his arm and throwing her head back as she laughs at something he says.

Your brows furrow as your watch from afar, feeling a little hurt. But then you notice Jeongguk hesitate and step back a little. Just as she leans in, he leans back and tries to put space between them. You watch as he taps his foot on the ground and angles his body slightly away from her.

You approach them with a grin. “I thought you ran away with our coffee’s” you stand next to Jeongguk, wrapping your hand around his arm

Jeongguk looks down at you and immediately grins. “I would never”

“Who is this?” you question as you look up at him.

“She just wanted to talk” he shrugs casually. The girl frowns at the sight of you, clearly unable to hide her dislike.

“Are you a friend?” she asks

“I am his best friend” you squeeze his arm tighter and he takes it as his cue. He wraps an arm around your shoulder, the one you had been holding onto and pulls you in closer. “A little more special than a best friend”

“Oh… alright” her face falls, and her previously self-assured demeanour disappears and so does she.

You wait for her to get out of sight before separating yourselves from each other.

“Thanks, y/n” Jeongguk smiles at you.

“I am sorry if that was weird. I saw you getting uncomfortable so I thought I could help you out” your gaze lowers to the ground.

“No. It was actually nice” he partly pulls his lower lip between his teeth.

“Damsel in distress” you tease him.

“The biggest damn one you will ever meet” he grins

“One iced and one hot caramel macchiato for Jungkook” your conversation is interrupted by the barista.

Jeongguk picks up both the cups and hands yours to you.

“Are you copying me now?” your brows knit together in a mock frown.

“Did you know that people who like each other, tend to copy each other’s actions?” he says casually but then a second later he realizes what he has just said isn’t so casual after all. His smile disappears into a thin pursed line of his lips as he avoids looking at you.

“Yeah. We like each other, so what? We’re friends” you try to lighten the mood but somehow it just gets more awkward.

“Right” he nods and takes a sip of his coffee. “Friends” he scoffs.

*********

You walk the same path you had come from. Both of you are silent again, avoiding eye contact with each other as best you can. You try to distract yourself by studying your surroundings but your mind is still preoccupied with Jeongguk’s proximity and the occasional brush of his arm against yours.

“How was Mina?” Jeongguk glances at you.

“As well as can be expected. She was crying” you bite your lip.

“Shit” he exhales. “I am the worst boyfriend ever”

Hearing that word from him is like reality slapping you in the face. Your relaxed demeanour vanishes and you tense up because it triggers the return of guilt. You should seriously not be here with him.

“Fuck. I am sorry y/n” he stops in his tracks. You are forced to do the same but you would much rather keep walking. “I should not have said that. I am sorry” he turns to face you and you do the same.

“It’s fine. It’s true so it doesn’t matter how I feel” you shrug casually tying your best to pretend you are not affected by it.

“I care about how you feel. I have since that first night we met. I mean, fuck. Why couldn’t I have met you before I met Mina?” he laments.

“You can’t do anything about how I feel. You cannot even do anything about how you feel so what’s the point in talking about this?”

“But why can’t we?” he runs a hand through his hair. “I mean, what is so wrong in talking about this. About us?”

You scoff. “Us? Jeongguk there is no us. There can never be an ‘us’. It’s not happening”

“Wow” he looks at you with raised eyebrows. “So, you won’t even stop for one moment to talk about it?”

“What is the fucking point Jeongguk?” you look at him wide-eyed.

“For fuck’s sake y/n. It’s been three years. Three whole fucking years we’ve been skirting around each other. We have been tiptoeing around our feelings for one another for so long, we have forgotten what it feels like to be any other way. I mean I can’t remember a single time when being around you wasn’t a painful reminder of what I could have had with you. The least we can do is talk about it!”

“It’s not fair to Mina!” you exclaim

“It’s not fair to us!” he matches the loudness of your voice.

“You’re right. It’s not. It’s not fair that you’re with her and not with me. It’s not fair that we both have to go through this endless cycle of pain and hurt. It’s not fair that we both have to keep silent about all this. But Jeongguk, that’s how it is. That is our reality and we have to accept it”

“Bull-fucking-shit!” he responds.

“You think it’s easy for me to watch you be with her!” you pause to swallow the thick lump of emotions that has risen to your throat. “I have been heartbroken so many times you have no fucking idea. But what’s wrong is wrong. Loving you is wrong. It just is. I can’t change that. I desperately wish I could. I wish I could say to you that it was right. But it’s not. You are my best friend’s boyfriend Jeongguk. She loves you. I can’t get in the way of that” your chest heaves and falls with effort

Jeongguk blinks owlishly at you. “You love me?”

Shit

“I- I. No! No, I don’t love you” you shake your head as if you are trying to convince yourself more than him. You look at the cemented sidewalk because God knows you can’t look at him.

“Then look at me and say it” he steps towards you.

“You should go home to Mina”

“Shut up” he takes another step forward and you can feel him towering over you. “Look at me and tell me you don’t love me”

You choke on a sob and press the back of your hand against your lips.

“Look at me y/n” Jeongguk presses.

You shake your head in response.

“Please”

You shake your head again.

“The only way to get over this is to tell each other how we feel” he steps towards you once again, and places his hands on your shoulders and presses his forehead to yours. “Please look at me” he whispers.

He pulls back to look at you and you finally find the courage deep within yourself to look at him too.

“I love you” he exhales and closes his eyes, waiting for your response.

Something breaks inside you. Whatever inhibition was holding you back vanishes the moment you hear those three words from him.

“I love you too” you reply before you can even think about it. The weight of those words you had been carrying around for three years lifts. You feel light like a load has been taken from you. Your tense body relaxes, and your frantic breathing begins to even out. There is a sense of relief beyond all the other layers of emotions you feel. If you had known you would feel so much better after telling him, you would have done it years ago.

*********

As it turns out moving on isn’t exactly easy.

As it turns out, you still love Jeon Jeongguk

As it turns out, Jeon Jeongguk still loves you.

It also happens to be that Jeon Jeongguk is still with Kim Mina and you are back to square one.

But not completely because one single revelation is about to change things.

“You did what!” you blink at Mina, slightly unable to comprehend what she said.

“IkissedHoseokandthenweslepttogether” she mumbles quickly and avoids eye contact, pretending to be busy doing something on her laptop.

“I am sorry” you crouch in front of her. “You kissed Hoseok and then you slept together?”

She nods, shutting her laptop and hiding her face behind her hands.

“Mina! Oh my god!” you fall on your butt.

“I know. I know” she whines and topples over on the couch, still hiding behind her hands.

“I thought you and Jeongguk were trying to work things out” you look at her wide-eyed, hardly able to believe it.

She finally reveals her face. “We are, or were. But things have been different between us. Since that fight we had when Hoseok came over, Jeongguk been different. I mean I can’t say I am hurt because I am not. He’s avoiding me and to be honest I am relieved he is!” she whines. “That night when you left to go check up on Jeongguk, Hoseok really helped me and then he told me he likes me and then he leaned in for a kiss and I kissed him and then we slept together. That night I realized I like him too” she rambles to explain herself.

“Then why in the world did you try to set me up with him?” your face contorts in confusion.

“I just thought that pushing him towards someone else would force me to move on. And I knew that if it happened to be you, I wouldn’t act on my feelings” she exhales. Oh, this is the worst thing ever”.

You knew all too well what she meant and the fact that she would back off if Hoseok got together with you makes you feel even worse because you couldn’t do the same with Jeongguk. “Do you love Hoseok?” you question.

“I guess. I mean I am not sure. But I do know I don’t feel anything with Jeongguk anymore. I feel suffocated around him. I love him y/n. I do. I truly do and I only want the best for him. But I am not in love with him anymore”

“Does he know?” you ask.

“I don’t think so” she shakes her head.

Just when you thought things would start getting better, they just got worse. You love Jeongguk, Jeongguk loves you. Mina doesn’t love Jeongguk anymore, and she thinks she likes Hoseok. But Hoseok definitely loves her and you don’t know what Jeongguk feels for Mina.

Your head spins just thinking about it. “I need water” you announce from your position on the floor. You stand up slowly to avoid getting dizzy because lord knows you are on the verge of fainting. You slowly retreat back to the kitchen and pour two glasses of water. You head back to where Mina is and offer her one glass.

“So what now?” you ask once you had your fill of drink.

“I guess I have to talk to Jeongguk. Because we can’t do this” she sighs and so do you because who knows what is going to happen next?

*********

{3 weeks later}

The clock strikes at 8 pm. Mina isn’t home. She’s working late and you hope to God she isn’t fooling around with Hoseok because she and Jeongguk broke it off only three weeks ago. But you cannot control her life any more than you can control your own. Besides, she has the full liberty to make her own decisions as an adult. All you can do is make sure she doesn’t do anything that will harm or hurt her in any way.

You flip lazily through the channels, with your feet propped on the coffee table. All you need is a glass of wine in one hand and you would be the advertisement for a lazy Sunday. It’s been too long since you have had the apartment to yourself. The quiet save for the sounds of television is exactly the kind of relaxing environment you need. Sometimes solitude is the best company one can have.

Your stomach grumbles as a commercial plays on TV depicting the perfect, juiciest steak you have ever seen. So it is naturally a given that you abandon your perch and head to the kitchen to fix up some food. Rummaging through the refrigerator all you find are a few eggs, some asparagus, a carton of milk, a loaf of bread that is expired and some apples. You really need to go buy groceries.

You look through the pantry to see if you can find something. You find a bag of chips hidden in the corner so you settle for it. You drag your feet across the marble floor and make your way to the living room. Settling down back in your spot you turn up the volume.

Just then the bell rings and you get up with a sigh and make your way towards the door. Through the security system monitor you see Jeongguk standing on the other side of the door.

“Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit” you panic because you are in no shape to be seen by Jeongguk in your PJ’s, with dishevelled hair, and bits of chips on your shirt. You run back to the living room and fix the coffee table, and shove the bag of chips underneath one of the cushions. Running to your room, you quickly take off your PJ’s and grab whatever comes into your hand as you throw open your closet. It’s a white shirt and you grab a random pair of jeans. The shirt gets stuck on your head because in a panic you end up trying to put the sleeve through your neck. Once you figure out the shirt mess, you fix your hair up in a ponytail, while another bell rings at the door.

“Coming!” you shout and race to the door skidding to halt right in front of it. You take a few deep breaths and compose yourself as you place your hand on the doorknob. You unlock the door and try to put on your best smile.

“Hey! Come in” you usher him inside.

He hangs his jacket on the coat hanger by the door and goes to the living room.

“Do you want anything to drink?” you ask as he settles on the sofa with a thud, and you proceed to the kitchen.

“Water will be good” he rubs his face and rests his neck against the back of the couch. “Do you know where Mina left the box of my stuff?” he calls out.

“In her room!” you call out and hear faint footsteps going in the direction of her room.

You go back out into the living room with a glass of water and leave it on the coffee table for him. Just then he comes out carrying a big brown box of his stuff and he leaves it by the door under the coat hanger.

He comes back to the living and you notice he’s staring at you with raised eyebrows.

“What?” you question, patting your cheeks and your face to see if you have something on your face.

“Your shirt is on inside out,” he says and presses his lips together to hold in his laughter. But you can see his chin quivering, and his eyes getting glossy.

“Fuck” you look down and sure enough it is inside out. You collapse onto the couch grabbing one of the cushions and hiding your face behind it.

You hear him break out into laughter and feel the sofa dip beside you. He continues laughing for a good minute and for the duration you ensure to keep your face hidden behind the cushion.

“I am sorry” he chokes out between laughs. “It’s too funny”

“Yeah. My misery is obviously funny” you mumble against the cushion

You look up to find him bent over his knees, holding his belly. “ Sorry” he laughs.

“It’s your fault” you pout at him.

“Me?” he points to himself, chest still heaving with the effort of laughing.

“Yes. You showed up so suddenly, unannounced I didn’t want you to see me in my PJ’s and bedhead hair”

“You didn’t have to do that you know?”

“Yes, I did. You would have never let me live it down if you saw me like that” you try to suppress a smile.

“That is true” he nods.

He looks around the living room and peeks his head into the kitchen.

“Have you eaten yet?” he questions.

“I was actually going to buy groceries. We’re out”

“Let’s go then” he stands up and offers you his hand.

“You want to come with me?” you look at him in question.

“How could I ever miss the chance of grocery shopping with you? It’s so domestic” he grins, clearly enjoying the idea of domesticity more than anything else.

“I’ll just go fix my shirt” you tell him to wait and within thirty seconds you are out and by the door

“I didn’t know you wanted to do this so bad” you ask him as you crouch to the floor and tie shoelaces.

“I am a free man now y/n. I can finally follow my heart” he offers you his hand and once you place your hand in his, he interlocks your fingers and leads you out.

*********

The mart is close by so you and Jeongguk decide to walk. The whole way there you walk hand in hand, swinging your arms like children and laughing for no reason other than pure excitement.

You arrive at the store and you are about to let go of his hand to grab a shopping cart, but he pulls you back and shakes his head. Instead, he grabs the cart with his free hand and maneuvers it like he’s done it a hundred times.

“I am not letting go of your hand” he squeezes tighter.

“I can see that. But you know it’s a little impractical” you motion to the cart which is going sideways instead of going forward. He fixes it so it movies in a straight line

“I have wanted to do this since the first night we met. I have wanted to spend time with you for so long, so now I am going to make up for it. No matter how weird, crazy, or impractical you think it is” you walk hand in hand around the store.

“It’s only been three weeks since you and Mina broke up” you remind him. “Isn’t this too fast?”

“A month, technically. Anyway, one, we broke up mutually because we both fell out of love with each other and fell in love with different people. Two, it’s not fast for me because I have waited years for this. Three, I want everyone to know how I feel about you. In fact, I want you to know how I feel about you because I am sick of hiding it”

You stop in your tracks and tug him by his hand towards yourself. “How do you feel about me?”

Jeongguk stares at your eyes and then your lips. “Fuck it” he mumbles and he presses his lips to yours. His hands enclose your waist and he pulls you in further. You rest your hands on his shoulders and melt into the kiss. It’s everything you imagined it would be and more. He feels like home and never in your life have you felt calmer than that moment. No heart racing, no tight knots in your stomach. Nothing. Only a sense of calm that washes over you as he holds you in his arms and spills all his love into the kiss. It is tender and soft. His lips are warm against yours, and his kisses are even warmer. He pulls back to look at you and tucks a strand of hair behind your ear.

“Perfect” he murmurs as he cups your cheeks. Then he kisses your forehead, your left cheek, right cheek. He plants a soft kiss on your nose followed by a quick peck on the lips.

You giggle like a little girl. “I did not take you for the romantic type”

“I’ll show you just how romantic I am” he entwines your hands once more and hurriedly leads you out of the grocery store.

*********

You are completely pressed between the wall and Jungkook as he kisses you. You gasp as his lips trail down your neck. He stops to look at you, as if for confirmation.

“Just kiss me” you pull him in by grasping the fabric of his shirt and he doesn’t hesitate.

He lifts you up, and you wrap your legs around his waist, kissing him as if you will never have tomorrow with him. He leaves gentle kisses everywhere and you don’t know if you have ever felt this euphoric in your life ever before. Every part he touches is left in goosebumps and tingles.

“I love you” he breathes against your lips as he captures them again in a kiss.

“I love you too” you gasp as his hand traverses down your abdomen.

And love you, he does. It’s an indescribable feeling to be wrapped up in each other, limbs tangled, soft kisses left here and there. His hands never rest for a single second because he wants to explore every inch of your body. He wants to know you in a way no one has ever known you before. You lose count of how many times you come undone as you lie in his arms and he shows you how much he loves you.

*********

The next morning Jeongguk acts like a baby and doesn’t let you get out of bed.

“One more kiss and I promise I’ll let you go” he whines and grasps your wrist and tugs you back into bed. You are helplessly pinned underneath him.

“Fine one more” you tap his lip with your index finger. He pushes your finger away and his lips are onto yours once again. Unlike the first time he kissed you, this feels more rushed like he’s scared he that he’ll never have another day with you.

“I could do this all day long “he mumbles as he pulls away.

“Unfortunately for you Mr. Jeon Jeongguk. I don’t have all day to do this” you shove him and he falls on his back on the bed.

“Yes you do” he sits up on his elbows and stares at you with a suggestive look in his eyes. “Round 2?” he questions.

“No more rounds Jeongguk. I have to go back to the apartment and figure stuff out” you pull your shirt over your head. You sit at the edge of the bed and put your pants back on. The bed dips behind you and you feel Jeongguk’s arms enclose around your abdomen and his chin rests on your shoulder. He kisses your cheek gently.

“There is nothing to figure out” he whispers close to your ear.

“Yes. There is the matter of telling Mina about us” you place your hands on his arms and lean into his chest.

Jeongguk sighs and digs his forehead into your shoulder. “I know” he mumbles.

“So” you pat his arms. “Let go of me so that I can go and figure it out for us. Plus it’s her birthday in 2 weeks and I want her to know before then to save everyone any drama that might occur because of us.”

“Us” Jeongguk muses. “I like the sound of that”

*********

The silence weighs heavy in the air. Mina is chewing on her lip as she deliberates what she has been told. She mumbles and nods to herself which kind of scares you because she only does that when she is angry.

“Say something” you look at her in concern.

“Well, there is nothing to say y/n. He loves you and you love him. I am just mad for not seeing it sooner. I should have picked on it” she sighs in frustration. “Looking back at it, to be honest, I don’t think we ever loved each other” she muses the last part to herself.

“I am a terrible friend, aren’t I?” you try to swallow back the tears.

“No!” she moves closer to you and wraps one arm around you. “If anything, I have been a bad friend to both you and Jeongguk. We should have broken it off a long time ago”

“Doesn’t make me feel any better. I know you loved him. But I still had these feelings for him. I swear to you I tried my hardest to forget about him. I even dated people I shouldn’t have dated just to distract myself from Jeongguk. I thought maybe I would meet someone worthwhile and I would forget him. But I couldn’t and I am sorry. I am a terrible person and a worse friend”

“I am not going to lie. It’s a little bit weird. I mean you and Jengguk. It feels strange to even say it and I am going to need time to adjust to it and it’s not because I am hurt or disappointed in both of you. I am perfectly okay with you guys dating because Jeeongguk and I were over a long time ago. We just held on because we were too scared to hurt each other” she pauses to look at you and you nod for her to continue. “But I have no feelings for him. It’ll just take me time to get used to seeing you with him just because I dated him too once and now he’s with my best friend. I hope you understand”

Of course, you understood.

“Thanks, Min” you wrap your arms around her in a hug.

“I am happy for you babe” she squeezes you gently.

*********

Jeongguk’s late.

He’s not winning himself favours by being late. You tap your foot on the footrest of the barstool impatiently, quietly sipping your drink. A sports bar was the last place you wanted to be at, but of course, Mina wants to celebrate her birthday at a place that serves booze. You sigh and signal the bartender for another cocktail. You had no clue Mina knew so many people. But then again she is a social butterfly so there are close to one hundred people present. Somehow she even managed to get a small section of the place cordoned off for her birthday party.

You look at your wristwatch, and the clock keeps ticking. Yet there is no sign of Jeongguk. You crane your neck to check the entrance but it’s as empty as ever.

“Where is your boyfriend?” Mina makes an appearance from her tight schedule as she has to keep floating around between different groups of friends she has.

“What boyfriend?” you scoff, annoyed by Jeongguk’s tardiness.

“Ooh” Mina winces. “He’s in trouble” Mina looks over your shoulder. “Speaking of” she motions her head towards the entrance and none other than Jeon Jeongguk is approaching you with a grin on his face. “That’s my cue” Mina leaves.

“Hi, there stranger” Jeongguk props himself up on the seat next to you.

“Hi” you avoid looking at him and keep your eyes affront.

“So what is a beautiful girl like you doing sitting alone at this bar?” he leans into the palm of his hand as he looks at you, a grin simmering at the corner of his lip.

“Waiting for my boyfriend” you sip your drink.

“Well he’s not a very good boyfriend if he’s making you wait”

“Clearly” you turn to face him.

“Hmm. How about we remedy that?” he offers you his hand.

“Are you making a pass at a committed woman?” you squint your eyes at him

“No. Just asking you for a walk outside” his lips curve into a smile. “Besides, I am a better man than your boyfriend”

“I think all men are the same” you slide your hand into his and he helps you down the stool. You then let go and walk past him towards the entrance.

Outside it’s dark. Cars and buses are passing by and the street is really busy.

“Are you still mad at me?” he slides his hand into yours and interlocks your fingers.

You huff. “I am not mad at you”

“You look mad” he turns on his heels and tugs at your arm to bring you closer and then wraps an arm around your waist. “I am sorry I was late, but I was getting this” he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny red ring case.

“Are you…” your blink furiously as you glance between his face and the case in his hand.

In answer, he opens the ring case and you find one silver ring, embedded with his name on it.

“Jeongguk” you look at him as tears well up in your eyes.

He takes hold of your hand pulls out the ring and slides it onto your ring finger. “It’s a promise ring”

“A promise ring?”

“Jeongguk..” you whisper as your vision gets blurry. “I don’t have a ring” you choke on a sob as tears stream down your cheek. “But I promise that I will be honest with you every step of the way, I will offer you my unconditional support in whatever you choose to do, and that I will love you till the day that I die”

“I promise that each day I spend with you, I will love you. I will choose you every day knowing that you aren’t perfect. I promise I will give this relationship the best of me, and that I will honour your heart and your feelings for the rest of my life” He uses his thumbs to wipe away the tears on your cheeks.

“You remember when we met the first night at Mina’s house party?” Jeongguk holds both your hands in his as he faces you.

“Of course”

“Do you remember you asked me if I want in?”

You nod again because every single detail about that night is still fresh in your mind.

“Well, I want in. I am all in. With you” Jeongguk dips his head and places a chaste kiss on your lips.

And that was the fourth time in your life you felt like the wind had been knocked out you and it was always because of Jeon Jeongguk.

End.

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romancandlemagazine · 3 years

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An Interview with Al Baker

I first came across Al Baker’s photography whilst looking through an old copy of a magazine called Flux I’d snaffled from Manchester’s world-famous second-hand wonderland, Empire Exchange.

Hidden in the magazine’s pages, between an interview with Mark E Smith and a review of a newly-released sci-fi film called The Matrix, were two black-and-white photos, snapped from the window of an ice-cream van, showing kids lined up for a bit of frozen respite from the summer heat. Reading the fairly minimal bit of text below, it turned out the photos were part of a series called ‘Ice Cream You Scream’.

I’d missed the exhibition by approximately 20 years, but thanks to the high-speed time-machine known as the internet, I managed to track him down. Here’s an interview about his fine photos, his time living in Hulme Crescents and the benefits of carrying cameras in a Kwik Save bag...

Classic ‘start of an interview’ question here, but when did you get into photography? Was there something in particular that set you off?

Like a lot of young people, I knew that I was creative but hadn’t quite found my place. I didn’t know whether I wanted to be a writer or in a band. I used to doodle, copy Picasso’s in biro, so off I went to art college and tried my hand at different things. All it really taught me was that I had neither the patience, technique or talent to become a painter. Photography seemed a much easier way to make images, a more instant result. Of course, the more you get into it you realise that whether you’re any good or not does rely upon patience, technique and talent after all.

Was ‘being a photographer’ something that people did in Manchester in the early 90s? Who did you look up to back then?

Not really. It was very rare to see another person wandering around with a camera back then. Even years later when I began photographing the club scene in Manchester no-one else seemed to be doing the same thing. Not at the night clubs I went to anyway.

Now it’s very different. These days you see people with cameras everywhere. Club nights almost always have a photographer. People are far more image-conscious due to social media. Today most people are busy documenting their own nights out with their phones. Look at footage from any major gig these days and half the room is filming it. Back in the 90s no-one seemed to care about documenting anything like that. You were very unlikely to see the photos that someone might be taking the next day or, in fact, ever. People often used to ask ‘What are you taking photos for?’ with genuine surprise or distain.

In terms of photographers whom I looked up to there are so many! There are great image masters like Cartier-Bresson or Elliott Erwitt. Photographers of war and social upheaval like Don McCullin and Phillip Jones-Griffiths. I liked Alexander Rodchenko and Andre Kertez, how they broke the conventions of their day with wit and invention.

I loved the dark and dirty images of Bill Brandt, and his inspiring nude studies too. I loved the city at night recorded by Brassai. Paris in the 1930s definitely seemed to be the place to be. Diane Arbus, Jane Bown and Shirley Baker. American street photographer Gary Winogrand was a huge influence on me, as was Nick Waplington’s book ‘Living Room’.

I was also quite lucky to be living in Manchester at that time. Daniel Meadows and Martin Parr had both attended Manchester Polytechnic. Denis Thorpe had worked for the Guardian in Manchester. I saw Kevin Cummins iconic Joy Division images, Ian Tilton documenting The Stone Roses. Both were regularly in among the inky pages of the NME.

I also saw an exhibition of Clement Cooper’s photographs of the Robin Hood pub in Moss Side, which was another big influence. I was also very lucky in that my very first photography tutor was Mark Warner, who produced very beautiful images, did a lot of work for Factory Records. He shot The Durutti Column’s (1989) Vini Reilly album sleeve. He was probably the first person who ever really encouraged me.

I really like that series of photos you took from inside an ice-cream van in the late 90s. What was the story behind that?

The initial idea for that project came from my friend Steve Hillman, who is an actor. At the time he was ‘between jobs’, which is an actor’s euphemism for being unemployed, so he was working an ice-cream round to help to pay the rent. I was at his flat one night, thinking aloud about where I might go next with my camera. I’d spent quite a long time following graffiti artists work around Hulme, and had my first exhibition based around that. But it only seemed to lead to offers of more work with graffiti artists, and I wanted to do something else.

I’d done a 2nd exhibition based around portraits of my friends in Hulme. I’d flirted with some one-day projects, like Belle Vue dog track, Speakers Corner in Hyde Park. Anyway, while I was talking, not really knowing what I was going to do next, Steve simply stated ‘You should come out on the ice-cream round with me. No-one ever comes to the van without a smile on their face.’ And it just struck me as a beautiful & simple idea. So, one day we just set off. 4 or 5 rolls of film and all the free ice-cream I could eat, which I discovered wasn’t very much!

What was the logistical side of those photos? Were they taken from the same van?

They were all shot on the same day, the same van, all around Salford. It was good fun, but actually very hard work. Trying to constantly find new angles, different framing and working on a hot August day in such a small confined space. By the end of the day I felt that I had enough strong images for my next exhibition. They were much jollier images than ones I’d made before. As a result, because it had more universal appeal, I got quite a lot of good publicity out of it, and Walls gave us hundreds of free Magnum ice-creams to give away on the opening night!

These days I could think of more than a few reasons why you probably shouldn’t drive around Salford photographing other people’s children without permission haha (in fact, I’m surprised that I wasn’t hung from the nearest lamppost!) but I was much younger and far more naive back then. Besides, that was something that I’d learned from living in Hulme. You don’t ask for permission. Someone will only say ‘No’. Just crack on and do it anyway.

You also documented the last years of the Hulme Crescents. A lot of people talk about that time and place in Manchester, even now—but what was the reality of it? What was a normal weekend there like?

It was quite unlike anywhere that I’d ever lived before. It looked like a fascist dystopian nightmare, only one peopled by Rastas and anarchists. Bleak concrete interconnecting walkways. No through roads whatsoever. A fortress feel to the place. The entire estate was earmarked for demolition before I arrived. Everyone else seemed to be busy moving out. But I was already spending a lot of time there, post-Hacienda, parties, friends, lost weekends.

There were lots of young people living there. Families had mainly moved out as the heating didn’t work properly, flats were cold & damp, often infested with cockroaches. There were traces of old Irish families, the Windrush generation, interwoven with punks and drop-outs.

There was a cultural & artistic flowering among the ruins. A Certain Ratio, Dub Sex, A Guy Called Gerald, Edward Barton, Ian Brown, Dave Haslam, Mick Hucknall, Lemn Sissay, all lived there at one time. It was the original home of Factory, where all the post-punk bands played. In turn that led to Factory Records, New Order, and the Hacienda. The PSV club later hosted raves and notorious Jungle nights. It was a good time to be young.

You lived there as well as shooting it. Do you think it’s important to be a part of the thing you’re photographing, rather than just an outsider with a camera?

I don’t know that it’s important to be a part of the thing you’re photographing, ‘embedded’ is what the war photographers call it, but you definitely capture different images. Certain things that might have been shocking to an outsider were commonplace, normal & every day to me. Boring even. On the other hand, I was much less likely to be robbed walking around. That meant I could take my camera places that other people couldn’t, or maybe shouldn’t!

I used to wear my camera beneath my coat so it couldn’t be seen, and I carried my film and lenses in a Kwik Save shopping bag so as not to attract unwanted attention. I got into the habit of handing that bag over the bar at the pubs I went in. I would collect it the next day if I could remember where I’d been the night before. Bless you, saintly barmaids of old Hulme.

If you look at my images of Hulme people they’re usually reacting to me and not the camera. Either that or they’re not reacting at all. They’re ignoring the fact that I’m taking a picture. That’s what gives them that ‘fly-on-the-wall’ feeling.

This is something that I put to greater effect later when I was photographing in night clubs, skulking stage side or hiding in a DJ booth. When DJs & MCs see you week in week out at the club doing the same thing they stop posing for the camera and just get used to you being there. You become part of the furniture. And when people stop being conscious of the camera, when they ignore that you’re even present, you can step in much closer. Put simply, you get better pictures. They’re much less performative and far more honest. It’s not often people can say they like it when they’re being ignored, but for photographers it’s a gift.

Do you think somewhere the Crescents could exist now, or was it just a case of the perfect accidental recipe for that kind of creative, DIY activity?

No, I don’t think anywhere like Hulme will ever happen again. I think the city council learned that lesson a long time ago. It was a dystopian utopia for us, but it grew out of failure. When I 1st went to university they warned us never to set foot there. I said, ‘But what if you live there already?’ and there was an embarrassed silence. They really hadn’t expected a poor boy from Hulme to be in the room. Now they own half of it and it’s all student Halls of Residence.

The city centre has been regenerated, redeveloped & gentrified. We can’t afford to live there anymore, and people like me are pushed out. Hulme was a failed social housing experiment, an eyesore & an embarrassment to the people who had commissioned it. People like me moved in & we made it our own. They’re never going to allow anything like that to happen again. Every quaint old fashioned pub that closes becomes a block of flats. The footprint is too valuable to property developers. One day all we will have will be faded photographs to bear witness to a very different way of living.

Was it through the Crescents that you started shooting graffiti? 

When I first arrived in Hulme I’d just spent 3 years living with mates in a couple of houses elsewhere in the city. It suddenly struck me that that part of my life was over and I had very few photographs of that time. I’d been too busy learning photography, taking the kind of photos that every art student takes: Broken windows; abandoned buildings, and bits of burnt wood. I vowed I wouldn’t do that again. I began documenting the life that was around me.

I started with the architecture, as it was quite unlike any other place I’d ever seen. It had a desperate, faded beauty even then. The whole estate had been condemned for demolition before I arrived, but the city council had given up on the place long before that.

I started to notice graffiti pieces going up, seeing the same names repeated. It was obvious that there was a small group of writers trying out their styles on a large canvas for the 1st time. Wanting to claim this derelict space as their own Hall Of Fame. I started to document them as they sprang up. Then I noted that context was crucial, and so I began to include the soon-to-be-derelict buildings in the images also. The shapes & colours of the graffiti looked positively psychedelic beside the drab monochrome of the setting.

With your graffiti shots, you show a lot more than just the pieces. Was it an intentional thing to show the act behind it a bit?

Because it was Hulme and no-one cared, these guys weren’t working in the dead of night like most graffiti writers do in the train yards and what-have-you. They were working during the day, right out in the open. So, documenting their work, it wasn’t long before I ran into Kelzo. He really didn’t trust me at first, but I kept coming back. So, I got to know them. They started to let me know where they were going to be painting next.

In 1995 Kelzo organised the 1st SMEAR JAM event (named after a young aspiring writer who used to come down to Hulme to learn, and had died suddenly from a nut allergy). That was such good fun that another event arrived the following year, another & another. Graf writers came from London, Edinburgh, Leeds, Sheffield, and as far afield as Spain. The local community came out to support and, as usual, it turned into a party that lasted all weekend.

I got into the habit of taking 2 cameras. One loaded with B&W film to capture the event itself, and another with colour transparency to document the finished artwork.

Graffiti… hip-hop… kids getting ice cream… I suppose there’s a few different subjects there, but was there an underlying thing or theme you wanted to show with your photos? Maybe getting a bit philosophical, but they’re all quite free acts—is it about enjoying what’s there?

It was more about documenting the life I saw around me. Moving to Hulme was what led to me capturing graffiti, and graffiti led to hip-hop events. Once Hulme was demolished I moved my camera into the city centre and began photographing club nights. House and hip-hop turned into Drum’n’Bass, and then dubstep. Residents and warm-up acts have now become headliners in their own right. Manchester has always been a great city for music, and it kept me busy throughout the naughty Noughties. I’ve pretty much retired from all of that now. I’d had enough after over 15 years of it. I no longer feel compelled to document something as ephemeral as a club night anymore when half of the audience are doing it themselves anyway. Then coronavirus came & properly killed it all off. I don’t know what it’s going to be like now going forward, but it’ll be someone else’s turn to document whatever that is.

What do you think makes a good photograph? 

You need to have a good eye. You need to notice & be aware of the world around you. You always see an image before you create one. You don’t require expensive equipment. Mine never was. And you don’t need to be trained. It’s one of those areas where you really can educate yourself. A certain amount of technique and technical understanding goes a long way but, again, you can pick those things up as you go along.

There are different kinds of photography, of course, but for me it was always about capturing a moment. The Decisive Moment, as Cartier-Bresson so eloquently put it. It’s something that the camera has over the canvas. For me the camera has always been a time machine. Like an evocative love song on the radio, it can transport you back immediately to a time & place long gone. It also acts as a witness for those people who were not there. Images tell stories. And we all like to hear and tell stories.

A couple of years ago I was invited to talk at the University of Lancaster for a symposium on documentary photography, which is a tradition that I had always considered my photographs sat within. But oddly, as I gave my slide-show presentation, images that I have seen and shown many times before, and thought I knew very well, I suddenly saw in a brand-new light. I could see myself in every image. Almost like a self-portrait from which I was absent but my own shadow cast large. I realised that I haven’t been documenting anything other than my own life. 25 year old images suddenly had something new to say, something new to tell me.

Do you still take photos today? What kind of things are you into shooting these days?

I don’t really do a lot of photography these days. I teach and facilitate as part of my job now. I still do the odd event but night club photography is a much younger man’s game. I really don’t have the levels of commitment, energy or enthusiasm I once did. I feel like I’ve taken enough images. If I never took another photograph ever again, that’s OK. Maybe, perhaps, I’ll get into a different kind of image making in my twilight years … but for now I’m trying to reassess the images I made 25 years ago. People are far more interested in them now than they ever were at the time. Now they have become documents of a time and place which has gone. The graffiti and the walls that they were written on have disappeared. Many of those night clubs have closed. Time moves on. The images and the memories are all that is left.

Over all those years, how has the art of photography changed for you?

Back when I started taking photographs, where I lived in Hulme, the kind of music that I was into, the magic of a night club moment, there were very few people I knew of who were doing the same thing. Now I am aware of others who were. Almost everyone is their own photographer now. Mobile phones & social media have given a platform for anyone to make & share images of their individual lives, whether it be their friends & families, holidays, public events or more private & intimate moments. Anyone can document their own lives now, so I no longer feel that I have to. I do still love photography, it’s still my favourite form of art, but I don’t feel compelled to capture it all anymore.

I suppose I’ve pestered you with questions for a while now. Have you got any wise words to wind this up with?

If you want to become a photographer you must learn your craft. Keep doing it, and you will get better. But you must remember to always be honest. Make honest images. Listen to the voice of your own integrity. Don’t worry too much if no-one sees any value in what you do. If you’re any good people will eventually see it. It may take years, it did for me, but images of the ordinary & everyday will one day become historical, meaningful & extraordinary.

We live in a world today mediated by images, a Society of the Spectacle, but we still need photographers: People who have a good eye, an innate feel for the decisive moment; what to point the camera at and when to press the shutter. The images that you make today will be the memories of the future.

See more of Al’s photos here.

#Photography #Interview #Al Baker #Manchester #Hulme Crescents

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brentwatchesmovies · 3 years

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Brent’s Top 10 Movies of 2019

Scorsese is probably my favorite living filmmaker, but I’ll be honest, when I heard that Scorsese was making this movie, and *how* he was making it (heavily digital de-aged actors) I was a bit skeptical. De Niro and Pacino haven’t been turning in interesting performances in quite awhile, and Pesci came out of a decades-long retirement for the movie as well. On top of that, the first trailer released did little for me. All that to say I was an idiot to doubt the master.

Scorsese returns to the crime genre that he re-invented many times over the years, this time with the eyes of a man in his 70’s, looking back on his life and career. The movie is very long, but in my opinion, it needs the length. The viewer needs to *feel* the totality of a life, and as is his intent with The Irishman, the *consequences* of this specific life. The final hour or so of this movie feels like a culmination of Scorsese’s career in many ways. The energy and entertainment of a crime/mob epic, with the fatalism and philosophical leanings of a movie like ‘Silence’. It’s a 3.5 hour movie that I’ve already rewatched, and actively want to again, so that alone ought to speak volumes.

Harmony Korine made one of my favorite movies of the 2010’s, the neon-soaked and often misunderstood ‘Spring Breakers’, so I was already in the bag for whatever he did next. When I heard it was a freewheeling stoner comedy where Matthew Mcconaughey plays a guy named ‘Moondog’ costarring Snoop Dogg, I reserved its location on my top 10 list.

This movie doesn’t have the empty heart at its core that defines Spring Breakers, opting instead for a character study about a ‘Florida man’ poet after his life pretty much falls apart. It’s basically plotless, stumbling from one insane, borderline hallucinatory sequence to the next, but I just loved living in the world of this movie. Beach Bum almost feels like a deliriously fun VR simulation of hanging out with Matt McConaughey and his weirdo friends down in the Florida keys. This is one that probably won’t pop up on many top 10 lists but I really adore, and will surely rewatch it a dozen times in the years to come.

Let the record show, I’ve been a huge fan of Bong Joon-ho since I first saw his monster movie/family drama ‘The Host’. Some time later, he went on to make ‘Snowpiercer’, one of my favorite movies of the last decade. All that to say, I think Parasite is probably his best movie, and a true masterwork of thriller direction. It also has his usual brand of social commentary and a script filled with darkness and humor, following a South Korean tendency to juggle multiple tones throughout, sometimes all in one moment or scene.

Parasite also follows a big 2019 trend of commenting on class and social dynamics between the rich and the poor. I think that’s part of why it’s done incredibly well at the box office (especially for a Korean language film), the fact that people can relate in a huge way, regardless of which country your from. Parasite is one of the most entertaining movie viewing experiences I’ve had this year and I’d recommend everyone check it out.

If you were to ask me what the funnest movie-going experience I had in 2019 was, I’d have to pick Rian Johnson’s ‘Knives Out’. Hot off making one of the best Star Wars movies ever made (don’t @ me) Johnson decided to make a passion project in the vein of classic Agatha Christie style murder mysteries, and the results are a total blast. Filled with clever twists and turns, weaponizing the structure of murder-mysteries against the audiences expectations, it stays one step ahead of you the entire time.

Aside from the clever mystery of it all, it’s the actors performances and chemistry that really sell this thing. Jamie Lee Curtis and Toni Collette are expectedly great per usual, and Daniel Craig is having the time of his life as Mississippi private-eye Benoit Blanc, but the heart of the movie is relative newcomer Ana de Armas. She brings an emotional weight and anchor to the movie that always keeps you emotionally invested amidst the terrible, money hungry backstabbing by the other heightened characters. I hope everyone sees this movie and Johnson is able to give us another Benoit Blanc adventure somewhere down the line, I’ll be there opening day.

Nobody makes an upbeat, feel-good movie like Ari Aster does! After last years light and breezy ‘Hereditary’ (which I liked a lot but didn’t totally love) he’s back with a completely riveting and emotionally draining (not to mention horrific) masterpiece. What I connected to most in Midsommar is the journey of Dani, played incredibly by Florence Pugh. The way the film portrays the relationship between her and her dog shit boyfriend played by the (usually) charming Jack Reynor keeps you invested in every twist, perfectly paced out over the movies admittedly long runtime.

I won’t get into spoiler territory, but where this movie goes in the end is what makes this a fully 5-star movie for me. After putting you through hell, like Aster loves to do with bells on, Midsommar ends in a euphoric, psychedelic orgy of music and violence that I couldn’t help but laugh out loud. Midsommar rules so hard and I can’t wait for whatever twisted thing Aster cooks up next.

One of my increasingly favorite brands of movies is a finely crafted, primo slice of dad-movie cinema, and James Mangold has made one with Ford v Ferrari. The story chronicles the partnership of ex-racer and designer Carroll Shelby and racer Ken Miles as they work to make a Ford that can compete in the 24 hour race of Le Mans. Bale and Damon are a blast to watch bounce off each other and the race sequences are pretty damn thrilling, combining (what I expect is) a solid amount of great VFX with practical racing to great effect.

I also didn’t expect it to have as much to say about the struggle to create something special by passionate people and not committees while also inside the very machine that churns out products on an assembly line. Just a random note, this original movie was just put out by 20th Century Fox, now owned by Disney but that’s completely unrelated and I’m not sure why I’d even bring that up??? Anyway, I love this movie and dads, moms and everybody else should check it out.

If you saw my list last year, then it must appear like I’m some diehard Mr. Rogers fan. I don’t really have many memories watching his show as a child, but what the documentary ‘Won’t You be my Neighbor’ and this film by Marielle Heller have in common is a shared fascination of his immense empathy and character. It’s only right that America’s dad Tom Hanks should play him, and I was surprised at the end that I was able to get over his stardom and accept him as Rogers. He’s not doing a direct impersonation, and I think it’s all the better for it, instead opting for matching his soft tone and laid back movements.

On a pure emotional level, this movie was a freight train. It didn’t help that the movie covers a lot of father stuff, from losing your own to becoming one yourself (2 big boxes on the Brent bingo card). Heller’s direction is clever in its weaponizing of meta/post-modern techniques, such as one incredible fourth wall break in a diner scene. It literally breaks down the barrier between Mr. Rogers, we the audience, and the films intent to make us feel something.

I cry a lot at movies, that much is well known, but it’s rare that a movie makes me weep, and this one did. Even thinking about scenes right now, days later, my eyes are welling up with tears thinking about the messages of the movie. Mr. Rogers and his lessons of empathy and emotional understanding have rarely been as vital and important as they are right now in our world.

Robert Eggers first film ‘The Witch’ from 2015 is one of my favorite movies of this decade, possibly of all time, so my hype for his black and white, period piece two-hander ‘The Lighthouse’ was through the roof. Even with sky-high expectations, it still blew me away. With dialogue reminiscent of The Witch in its specific authenticity to its era, to the two lead actors giving all-time great performances, It was one of the most entertaining film viewing experiences I had this year.

There’s something about both of Egger’s movies that I really keyed into watching this one: his fascination with shame and the liberation from it. Where Witch was from the female perspective, Lighthouse literally has two farting, drunk men in a giant phallic symbol fighting for dominance. It’s less a horror film than his first, but still utterly engrossing, demented and specific to his singular vision. I can’t wait to see 20 more movies from this guy.

This is another big movie of 2019, like The Irishman, where you can see the director looking inward, at what his films mean and represent. It initially caught me so off guard that I really didn’t know how to feel about it, but after seeing it again, it’s one of my favorites of the year, and probably Tarantino’s filmography overall. More akin to something like Boogie Nights or Dazed and Confused, letting us live with and follow a small group of characters, it mostly doesn’t feel like a Tarantino movie (until the inevitable and shocking explosion of violence in the third act, of course).

‘Hollywood’ is the most sincere and loving movie Tarantino has made, interested in giving us a send off to an era of Hollywood and artists that have been lost or forgotten (Some more tragically than others). In the end, the movie functions similarly to ‘Inglorious Basterds’ in it’s rewriting of history to give us catharsis. “If only things could have worked out this way.” Luckily in movies, removed from the restrictions of reality, they can. And once upon a time in Hollywood, they did.

Uncut Gems probably tripled my blood pressure by the time the credits rolled. A slice-of-life story about a gambler/dealer in New York’s diamond district, the movie follows Howard Ratner, played by Adam Sandler in easily the best performance of his career. Ratner is basically addicted to living at the edge of a cliff, being chased by violent debt collectors, juggling a home life and a relationship with an employee, and fully relying on risky sports bets to stay afloat. It makes for a consistently tense and unique viewing experience, expertly directed by the Safdie brothers.

Something that might not work for everyone but that I personally loved, is the chaotic way in which the movie is shot. What feels like loosely directed scenes, with characters talking over each other and multiple conversations happening at once, adds an authenticity and reality lacking from most other movies. It’s more adjacent to Linklater (thanks to Adam for the comparison) or Scorsese’s earlier films (also fitting, that he’s a producer on this). Following Howard Ratner as his life descends into chaotic hell was one of the best times I’ve had watching a movie this year.

HONORABLE MENTIONS

AVENGERS ENDGAME

DOLEMITE IS MY NAME

BOOKSMART

JOHN WICK CHAPTER 3

THE FAREWELL

AD ASTRA

#top 10 #movies #2019 #top 10 movies #midsommar #uncut gems #the irishman #martin scorsese

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iridescentides · 4 years

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hi again dia! happy first day of december ❤️💚 i wanted to ask you what, in your opinion, are the 5 most underrated dcoms? i remember you saying before that you've watched all of them so i'd love to hear your opinions 😊 - 🎅🎁🎄

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH secret santa you are so good! asking me all the best questions 💜

okay so i literally had to make a list of all the dcoms i consider underrated and then narrow down a top 5. theres lots of dcoms that i love, but that i think got the right amount of attention and care (like lemonade mouth and the teen beach movies, for example), so this list just focuses on ones that deserved more hype for their quality level.

5. The Cheetah Girls: One World (2008)

okay so even as i type this i feel like a hypocrite. i have only watched this movie one time. BUT i can acknowledge that its one of the most criminally underrated dcoms ever, tons of people didnt watch it simply because raven wasnt in it. thats why i avoided it as a child, and i didnt get around to watching it until i did my big dcom binge in 2016. and it was so good. theres a really long post floating somewhere around tumblr full of specifics on why its actually the best cheetah girls movie (my favorite is the second one purely out of nostalgia), so to paraphrase some points from that post:

its a solid example of cultural appreciation, rather than appropriation, as the girls go and learn about bollywood and indian culture together

the indian characters arent treated like props or unimportant sides, they get their own agency and storylines that are important

the songs are good!!!

basically this movie was overlooked and slept on even though in terms of role modeling and social value, and just like the first two cheetah girls movies it was important and impactful.

4. Sharpay’s Fabulous Adventure (2011)

okay so as someone whos very neutral and occasionally negative-leaning towards the hsm franchise (mostly bc its overhyped and not really representative of all dcoms), i was pleasantly surprised by sharpays fabulous adventure. this is another one that i know lots of people skipped right over and dont hold with as much esteem as the main hsm franchise, and that doesnt sit right with me.

i do not agree with the “uwu sharpay was the real victim in hsm” arguments bc in their efforts to look galaxy brained the people who say that overlook the fact that she was a rich white woman who used her power and status to exercise control over opportunities that should have been fairly and freely available for all; they were not “making a mockery of her theater” in the first movie, they were literally just kids who wanted to try out a new school activity that everyone was supposed to be allowed to participate in; and despite allegedly learning her lesson and singing we’re all in this together with everyone at the end of the first movie, she literally showed no growth in the second movie as she fostered an openly hostile environment and favored troy so heavily that it literally cost him his friends, all as part of yet another jealous plan to take things away from people who already have less than her. she was NOT the victim in the main franchise, and she did not seem to exhibit any growth or introspection either.

and that!!! is why sharpays fabulous adventure was so important. in focusing on sharpay as the main character, they finally had to make her likeable. they did this by showing actual real growth and putting her outside of her sphere of influence and control. we saw true vulnerability from her, instead of the basic ass “mean girl is sad bc shes actually just super insecure” trope (cough cough radio rebel), and this opened us up to finally learn about and care about her character. throughout the movie we see her learn, from her love interests example, how to care for others and be considerate. she faces actual adversity and works through it, asking herself what she truly wants and what shes capable of. and in the end, when she finally has her big moment, we’re happy for her bc she worked hard to get there. she becomes a star through her own merit and determination, rather than through money and connections. this movie is not perfect by any means, but it is severely underrated for the amount of substance it adds to sharpays character.

3. The Swap (2016)

okay i know im gonna get shit for this but thats why its on this list!!! just like sharpays fabulous adventure, its not perfect and definitely misses the mark sometimes, but it deserves more attention and love for all the things it did get right!

the swap follows two kids who accidentally switch bodies because of their emotional attachment to their dead/absent parents’ phones. and while i normally HATE the tv/movie trope of a dead parent being the only thing that builds quick sympathy for a young character, they definitely expanded well enough to where we could root for these kids even without the tragedy aspect. we see them go through their daily struggles and get a feel for their motivations as characters pretty well. as a body switching movie, we expect it to be all goofy and wacky and lighthearted, but it moves beyond that in unexpected ways.

the reason the swap is on this list is for its surprisingly thoughtful commentary on gender roles. its by no means a feminist masterpiece, and its not going to radicalize kids who watch it, but it conveys a subtle, heartfelt message that deserves more appreciation. the characters struggle with the concept of gender in a very accurate way for their age, making off-base comments and feeling trapped by the weight of expectations they cant quite put their finger on. we watch them feel both at odds with and relieved by the gender roles they are expected and allowed to perform in each others bodies, and one of the most interesting parts of the movie to me is their interactions with the other kids around them. as a result of their feeling out of place in each others environments, the kids inadvertently change each others friendships for the better by introducing new communication styles and brave authenticity.

the value of this movie is the subtle, but genuine way it shows the characters growing through being given the space to act in conflicting ways to their expected norms. ellie realizes that relationships dont have to be complex, confusing, and painful, and that its okay to not live up to appearances and images. jack learns that emotional expression is good, healthy, and especially essential to the grieving process. one of the most powerful scenes in the movie comes at the end where, after ellie confronts jacks dad in his body, jack returns as himself to a very heartfelt apology from his father for being too hard on him; the explicit message (”boys can cry”) is paired with an open expression of love and appreciation for his kids that he didnt feel comfortable displaying until his son set an example through honest communication. this is such an empowering scene and overall an empowering movie for kids who may feel stuck in their expected roles, as it sets a positive example for having the courage to break the restrictive societal mold. for its overall message of the importance of introspection and emotional intelligence, the swap is extremely underrated.

2. Freaky Friday (2018)

this is my favorite dcom, and probably my favorite movie at this point. ive always assigned a lot of personal value to this movie (and i love every freaky friday in general), for the message of selfless familial love and understanding. i know i can get carried away talking about this topic; i got an anon ask MONTHS ago asking me about the freaky friday movies and i wrote a super super long detailed response that i never posted bc i didnt quite finish talking about the 2018 movie. and thats bc on a personal level, i cant adequately convey all the love i have for this movie. so i will try to keep this short.

first lets state the obvious: the reason people dont like this movie is bc its not the lindsay lohan version. and i get that, to an extent, bc i also love the 2003 version and its one of my ultimate comfort movies, and grew up watching it and ive seen it a billion times. i even watched it a couple days ago. but the nostalgia goggles that people have on from the early 2000s severely clouds their judgement of the wonderful 2018 remake.

yes, the 2018 version is dorky, overly simplistic plot wise, a bit stiff at times, and super cheesy like any dcom. the writing isnt 100% all the time. the narrative takes a couple confusing turns. the song biology probably shouldnt have been included. i understand this. but at the heart of it all, this movies value is love. and its edge over all the other freaky friday movies is the songs.

on a personal level, the movie speaks heavily to me. i cried very early into my first viewing of the movie bc i got to see dara renee, a dark-skinned, non-skinny actress, playing the mean popular girl on disney channel. that has never happened before. growing up, i saw the sharpays and all the other super thin white women get to be the “popular” girls on tv, and ultimately they were taken down in the end for being mean, but that doesnt change the fact that they were given power and status in the first place for being conventionally beautiful. so, watching dara renee strut around confidently and sing about being the queen bee at this high school got to me immediately. and in general, the supporting cast members of color really mean a lot to me in this movie. we get to see adam, an asian male love interest for the main character. we have a second interracial relationship in the movie with katherines marriage to mike. ellies best friend karl is hispanic. and we see these characters have depth and plot significance, we see them show love, care, and passion for the things they value. the brown faces in this movie are comforting to me personally. additionally, the loving, blended family dynamic is important to me as someone in a close-knit, affectionate step-family.

but on a more general level, this movie is underrated for its skillful musical storytelling and the way it conveys all kinds of love and appreciation. in true freaky friday fashion, we watch ellie and katherine stumble and misstep in their attempts to act like each other. its goofy and fun. but through it all, the music always captures the characters’ intimate thoughts and feelings. the opening song gives us a meaningful view into ellie and katherines relationship and the fundamental misunderstandings that play a role in straining their connection. ellie sings about how she thinks her mom wants her to be perfect, and her katherine sings about all the wonderful traits she sees in her daughter and how she wants her to be more open and self assured. this is meaningful bc even as theyre mad at each other, the love comes through. the songs continue to bring on the emotional weight of the story, as ellie sings to her little brother about her feelings of hurt and abandonment in her fathers absence. the song “go” and its accompanying hunt scene always make me cry bc of the childlike wonder and sense of adventure that it brings. for the kids, its a coming of age, introspective song. for katherine who gets to participate in ellies body, its a reminder of youth and the rich, full life her daughter has ahead of her. she is overcome with excitement, both from getting to be a teenager again for a day, and from the realization that her daughter has a support network and passions that are all her own. today and ev’ry day, the second to last song, is the culmination of the lessons learned throughout the movie, a mother and daughters tearful commitment to each other to love, protect, and understand one another. the line “if today is every day, i will hold you and protect you, i wont let this thing affect you” gets to me every time. even when things are hard and dont go according to plan, they still agree, in this moment, to be there for each other. and thats what all freaky friday stories are ultimately about.

freaky friday 2018 is a beautiful, inclusive, subversive display of familial love, sacrifice, and selflessness, and it is underrated and overlooked because of its more popular predecessor.

1. Let It Shine (2012)

this is another one of my favorite dcoms and movies in the whole world. unlike the other movies on this list, it is not the viewers themselves that contribute to the underrated-ness of this movie. disney severely under-promoted and under-hyped this movie in comparison to its other big musical franchises, and i will give you five guesses as to why, but youll only need one!

let it shine is the most beautifully, unapologetically black dcom in the whole collection. (i would put jump in! at a notable second in this category, but that one wasnt underrated). this movie was clearly crafted with care and consideration. little black kids got to see an entire dcom cast that represented them. the vernacular used in the script is still tailored mostly to white-favoring audiences, but with some relevant slang thrown in there. in short, the writers got away with the most blackness they were allowed to inject into a disney channel project.

the story centers on rap music and its underground community in atlanta, georgia. it portrays misconceptions surrounding rap, using a church setting as a catalyst for a very real debate surrounding a generational, mutlicultural conflict. this was not a “safe” movie for disney, given its emphasis on religious clashes with contemporary values. it lightly touches on issues of image policing within the black community (cyrus’s father talking about how “our boys” are running around with sagging pants and “our girls” are straying away from god), which is a very real and pressing problem for black kids who feel the pressure (from all sides) of representing their whole race with their actions. its a fun, adorable story about being yourself and staying true to your art, but also a skillful representation of struggles unique to black and brown kids and children from religious backgrounds.

on top of crafting a fun, wholesome, thoughtful narrative and likeable protagonists, let it shine brought us what is in my opinion the BEST dcom soundtrack of all time. every single song is a bop. theyre fast, fun, and lyrically engaging. “me and you” is my favorite disney channel song of all time due to its narrative significance; i will never forget my first time watching the movie and seeing that big reveal unfold onstage, as a conversation and a plot summary all wrapped into a song. the amount of thought and care that went into the music of this movie should have been rewarded with a level of attention on par with that of other musical dcoms.

if disney channel had simply cared about let it shine more, it couldve spanned franchises and sold songs the way that other musical dcoms have drawn in success. i would have loved for a sequel that explored and fleshed out cyrus’s neighborhood a little bit more, and maybe dipped into that underground scene they caught a glimpse of. i wanted a follow up on the changed church community once cyrus’s father started supporting his sons vision. i want so much more for these characters and this world than disney gave them in just one movie.

for its bold, unabashed representation of blackness and religion, subtle, nuanced presentation of race-specific issues, strong, likeable characters, and complex, thoughtful songs, let it shine is the most underrated dcom.

and because i made a full list before i started writing this post, here are some honorable mentions:

going to the mat (2004)

gotta kick it up! (2002)

tru confessions (2002)

dont look under the bed (1999)

invisible sister (2015)

#this took me embarassingly long to write #i cant help myself i literally think about this all the time #youre doing a great job with these questions secret santa!#dcoms #disney channel #answered asks #anons #gcwca secret santa #Anonymous

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putschki1969 · 4 years

Text

H-el-ical//’s First Online Interview (English Translation)

Note: Here’s my English translation of H-el-ical//’s first online interview with SPICE. I hurried to finish my translation because I wanted everyone to read this awesome interview. I think there are so many gems in this, especially for us Kalafina fans. Hikaru is talking quite a bit about Wakana and Keiko and their respective solo careers. Please be sure to check it out! As always, take everything you read with a grain of salt, my Japanese is by no means perfect. CREDIT me if you share my translations or use parts of it.

In her first online interview H-el-ical// talks about a new world ~ “I want to discover this world together with everyone”

Solo project『H-el-ical//（ヘリカル）』 by Kalafina’s Hikaru//. Although many songs have already been released on her official YouTube channel, her major debut single 「Altern-ate-」will be released under NBC Universal on May 20. In this interview she has told me about stepping forward on a new musical path with the help of this song which is currently being used as the opening theme for the TV anime "Gleipnir". What is Hikaru// 's “relationship with music” at this moment?

I already know the happiness of being able to incorporate the things I love in my work

―― We did a SPICE live broadcast together recently but it feels like it has been a while since our last interview. First of all I would like to ask how you are dealing with the current situation?

I am simply staying at home. Before all of this I was forced to leave the house for work but now I am really just at home all the time (laughs).

―― In the past you have often said that you like staying at home.

Yes. I have always been a hikikomori but I used to go out for work or to visit a collab café or maybe some bookstores. Now all of that is not possible. It has gotten bad, there are times when I don’t leave the house for an entire week or longer.

―― Under such circumstances you are celebrating your major solo debut as H-el-ical// with your single 「Altern-ate-」. How did you feel when you heard that you would have your major debut under NBC Universal who you are now affiliated with?

Well ... I was beyond happy! Of course, my work as part of Kalafina is very important to me and it’s an experience I will treasure forever but receiving the great honour to make myself known as a solo artist made me incredibly happy and I am very grateful. I felt a strong sense of wanting to do my very best.

―― I get the impression that your song 「Altern-ate-」 is tied very tightly to the anime “Gleipnir”. You have always had a strong desire to "be involved in anime" haven’t you?

That's because I really like anime. That's not the only thing I want to do of course but I already know the happiness of being able to incorporate the things I love in my work (laughs).

―― How so (laughs)?

By being in charge of an anime song I feel like I can surpass myself. I think it’s because I have so much love for the work, more so than even for myself. It’s something I have always loved so I am also able to put a lot of love into my work. I think I am able to sing anisongs because I have so much love for anime. That’s how I see myself and how I want to be.

――「Altern-ate-」is definitely an anisong. Watching the opening one cannot help but notice that the video and the song are very strongly connected. Was the song produced before you saw the anime?

Well, after hearing about the plot and receiving some reading materials, I asked Gushimiyagi-san to write the song in advance. Of course we also sought out the opinions of everyone involved in the creation of the anime. Finally I added the lyrics and then I asked all of them to review the song. When I got their OK everything fell into place, they added the OP video. If you feel like the song and the images are matching it's thanks to the anime creators.

―― Didn’t they request anything from you regarding the song?

No one told me to do anything particular for the song. However, I heard them mention that they would like an up-tempo song so I kinda knew that would happen (laughs). When I got the song, I immediately thought it had a catchy tune.

―― So your first impression was that it had a catchy tune?

Yes, since it is my first single I thought that kind of catchy melody was great for me. Personally, I am the type that likes listening closely to the lyrics but first-time listeners who don't know H-el-ical// will most likely pay more attention to the melody so I think the song I received is perfect for this occasion.

―― The lyrics which are tied to this melody were written by yourself, right? You have been writing the lyrics for all songs released under your project H-el-ical//. I had the impression that you read through the manga "Gleipnir".

I read all of it (laughs). After all, I felt the need to get as close as possible to the original work since I was creating music for it. However, there are also lots of people who don’t know anything about the manga listening to the song so in order for those people to be able to identify with the song I also included many aspects of our daily life.

―― It's not just a song for fans of the work?

I made lyrics that I associated with scenes and dialogues that impressed me in the manga. It’s about conflicts and frustrations we all experience in our everyday life. This song is meant to push you ahead, to provide strength, it’s supposed to support you in moments when you feel like you need and want to become a stronger person.

The responsibilities of working solo

―― In the lyrics you are saying twice 「この物語の主役じゃない | I am not the protagonist of this story」, I think those lines are leaving a strong impression. This leads right to a line saying 「でも逃げない | But I won’t run away」. I think that very much encapsulates the essence of “Gleipnir”.

Yes, it really screams “Gleipnir” (laughs).

―― I thought those lines reflected the feelings of the main character Shuichi very well but in a way I also felt like somewhere within those lyrics you also put a lot of yourself in there.

When I was reading the original work there were lots of things I could relate to, it’s those aspects I worked with…how do I say this? The manga might be fiction but in some way it feels very real to me.

―― So it is a fantasy but it’s also real?

Yes, there are definitely many things that resonate with me. I like manga and anime because you can escape from reality but at the same time they can offer solutions for your everyday problems.

―― So there really is a lot of yourself in those lyrics.

For example, let’s talk about the lyrics 「主役じゃない | I am not the protagonist」, I think we are all the leading characters of our own lives but when we do something out of respect for someone else we are no longer seeing ourselves as the main character. I think what motivates people in life is thinking about others. However, when we are taking action while thinking of someone else it is necessary for us to make up our minds, to be determined, after all, we are responsible for our behaviour... So yeah, these were the thoughts going through my mind while reading the manga (laughs).

―― That’s very deep ...

Yes, “I want to share this feeling with everyone”. Having that in mind I wrote these lyrics (laughs).

―― Watching your daily activities and talking to you on broadcasts I feel like there are not many artists these days who take their fans’ thoughts and opinions into consideration as much as you do. I wonder if that is because you are also a fan of anime and manga.

I think the feeling when I really like something about an anime or manga is the same feeling when people who support me say things like, “I love this and that about Hikaru, I would like to see more of it!” I appreciate it and I really want to cherish that. So yeah, that may be the reason why I am valuing those thoughts and opinions so much, it’s because they are born out of love.

―― It got more noticeable once you became a solo artist. I think it was a great chance for you to use social media to convey your thoughts and to put more of yourself out there.

Yes, you are also in charge of what you say and what you do because you are the only one around. You may upload something and regret it later, since it’s all your responsibility you have the option to correct your mistakes and to explain yourself.

―― The responsibilities of working solo

Well, as member of Kalafina I was part of a unit so I always had to worry about the possibility of my personal actions damaging the image of Kalafina. But now everything I do is my own responsibility. It can be quite daunting but it's also very rewarding.

―― All mistakes are your own.

Yes, it’s all my own doing. All the good things and all the bad things are my responsibility. Of course there are advantages and disadvantages to being responsible for yourself but it helps you to become more aware .

―― So you actually want to take on all that responsibility? Do it all your own way and take responsibility for your own actions? As you mentioned earlier, there are advantages and disadvantages. I wonder, during your Kalafina days, did you ever want to be that kind of person?

Hmmm...I don't know ... I never really thought, “I want to be that kind of person!” I think balance is very important when you are part of a unit. After all, you always have to be aware of the consequences of your actions regarding your group. It's a good thing to have some individuality but for the most part we always made sure there was some sort of balance.

Rather than standing all on my own I would like to borrow everyone’s strength

―― You also shot a MV.

Yes, all you see in the video is me (laughs). It’s quite surprising. I was wondering, "Can I handle this on my own?" Until now it has always been the three of us ... (laughs).

―― You are the only one standing in the middle of the forest and on that cliff.

That's right. There are many parts of the song where I am not singing so I wondered about how fast I should be moving. I was really confused and lost. We used a drone to shoot the video and I was asked to do multiple takes. Since it would be boring if all my movements had been the same, I changed little details during each take but gradually I ran out of variations, there is only so much a single person can do (laughs).

―― You are worrying that the impressions given by the MV will remain boring and one-sided (laughs)?

Yeah (laughs). I felt good while shooting the MV but all the time I kept wondering what kind of MV it would be. I felt very grateful and constantly had to remind myself that, “wow, this is the MV for my first single…!” Even when we did a final check I was very happy with the result, we only had to fix one little thing.

―― I would like to ask about the title of the song, did you come up with it?

Actually, I was asking members of the staff to help me with that. I eventually went with my manager’s idea.

―― Your manager’s idea!?

Yes. I first proposed a few of my own ideas but I wanted to hear other thoughts on it as well so I discussed different options with everyone. “Please share your wisdom with me!” We all put our heads together and eventually came up with the title 「Altern-ate-」.

―― Since your manager is also attending the interview why don’t we ask him? How did you come up with the title 「Altern-ate-」?

Manager: Well, the story is about the two main characters becoming one so I investigated a bit and came across the word “オルタネイト | orutaneito” which has the meaning of "alternate/mutual". After further investigation I realised that the final part of the word “ate” is actually the English past tense of “eat”. In this anime world, the two protagonists meet early on but they don’t have a lot in common. Surviving and defeating all your enemies is the most important thing for them, I felt like the word really fit into the world that was created here. That’s how we ended up with 「Altern-ate-」.

―― I see, it really is fitting.

As one would expect from the H-el-ical// team! I've said it a few times already but H-el-ical// is not made up of just one person, this project is a group effort.

―― Yes, you have mentioned that before.

Of course it is very important for me to do things myself but I have spent 10 years of my life as part of Kalafina and if there is one thing I learned during this time, it’s to rely on others to make up for the things that I myself am lacking (laughs).

―― Very significant words.

You should never force something that’s not possible. Of course there will always be things that will be impossible for you but those things still have to be done, that’s why you have to do your best and cooperate with the people around you in a way that is satisfying for all parties involved. Rather than standing all on my own I would like to borrow everyone’s strength from time to time. That’s what I learned during the past decade growing up (laughs).

―― Inner growth?

Yes, I definitely grew up in those times. Before I became a part of Kalafina I had never really relied on other people. Of course I am still hesitant when I need to rely on others but I allow myself to ask for help more often now compared to before. So this is something I have learned as a member of Kalafina.

―― Now please tell us about the second song. The title is 「Clea-rly-」. I felt this song was also very reminiscent of “Gleipnir”, when I listened to it for the first time I had the impression it might have been sung by the heroine Clair-chan.

We thought a lot about what kind of coupling song to make for this single. Originally we had the plan to make it a ballad that would be the exact opposite of 「Altern-ate-」but since this is my major debut single we decided to go all out and use the momentum. Once we had decided that the B-Side would also be an up-tempo song I worried a lot about the lyrics.

―― I see.

My producer Akihiro Tomita-san said that 「Altern-ate-」incorporated Shuichi-kun’s feelings very well but I guess the lyrics may also be interpreted from a different character's point of view. Either way, it was quite the challenge to come up with something fitting for the B-Side, I ended up writing the lyrics with Clair-chan in mind.

―― I think it's interesting that both songs are up-tempo, the B-Side「Clea-rly-」 has a sharp 8th note groove. So I feel like people who are watching the anime might think this kind of groove is very Clair-like.

I guess so.

―― I think the personalities of the hero and the heroine are reflected very well in the rhythm of these two songs.

I haven’t asked Gushimiyagi-san whether that was his intention or not. But we were definitely thinking about creating a balance when we recorded these two songs.

―― During your Kalafina times there weren’t really too many crisp rock songs likes this. I wonder, did you have a hard time recording this song?

We recorded 「Clea-rly-」super quickly.

―― Oh really, you did it quickly?

We were finished very quickly (laughs). I think I've always liked such songs, I like it fast (laughs). So I don't think there was any difficulty.

―― Is that so?

I usually have the song separated into different blocks and I will record each block at least three times, out of these recordings we will extract the best takes and use them. I didn’t feel any hesitation this time around so the recording was over in no time. But generally speaking, every song takes about an hour or maybe two hours to record.

―― I guess that can be attributed to your growing abilities as a singer?

Maybe so. Tomita-san and Gushimiyagii-san listened outside the booth and made some decisions but basically the recording was left to me, I had full control. That may be the reason why I was able to finish so quickly.

―― Once again we are back to the "responsibility" that you mentioned earlier. I guess you are starting to take responsibility for everything.

Until the time of the recording I will think of various patterns and singing styles. I have to choose among them. I am in charge of the lyrics and vocals but of course there are things that I have to leave to others like the arrangement or mixing but I will occasionally ask, “can you maybe do it like that or change this a little?" My team has a lot of respect for the production process and they make sure to include me so we always make smooth progress.

I want to give back back as much as possible to the people who support me abroad

―― At this point of time you have released two albums independently as H-el-ical//, your first album “H-el-ical//” which was sold at your live and the mini album “elements”. Now you are releasing 「Altern-ate-」. Your major debut is a tie-up, does this feel different than your two previous releases?

Hmm. The degree of freedom is different. After all, when you are writing a song and lyrics for a specific work that adds a certain kind of responsibility, you have to respect creators of the work and the people who love it. With these added feelings your attitude changes quite a bit.

―― Are you going to continue releasing your music on Youtube while you also release physical albums?

I don’t just want to do tie-ups, I want to find out what kind of songs I can create as H-el-ical// and just sing for the sake of singing, that’s my individual pursuit. I want everyone to listen to this and feel like we share the music. I definitely don’t want to lose this platform so I plan to continue posting music on my official YouTube channel.

―― When you are looking at the YouTube comments, you get the impression that your foreign fans are very happy. You are providing lyrics in multiple languages and you always add an English translation to your tweets.

Yes. I know that there are so many people out there who support me, I can't just ignore that. Of course I know that there are also many of them who are studying Japanese and trying to understand my Japanese tweets and even doing their best to understand the lyrics.

―― I think overseas fans are very happy that you are always thinking about them.

People will listen to music for all sorts of reasons, they like the melody or the sound or the voice of the singer. I am happy if I can share my thoughts with the people who listen to my music. Depending on what you know or don’t know your impression of a song is very different after all.

―― Yes, I think that is the case.

I am that kind of person. I would like people to think, “ohh, she is singing that kind of song, how interesting!” I will do the best I can to return the favour and give back as much as possible to the people who support me, not only in Japan but all over the world. I don't know how much I can give but I would like to show my appreciation as best as I can.

―― More so than taking your fans’ thoughts into account it’s almost like you are taking a fan’s perspective.

Yes, I guess I am seeing it from a fan’s perspective (laughs).

I am very much looking forward to everyone’s solo work

―― In this long-awaited interview I would also like to ask a little about your past and the future. We've talked about it many times but I think the existence of Kalafina is still very important to you.

Yes of course.

―― First it was Wakana-san, then it was you. Keiko-san has also decided to make her solo debut. All three of you are now being active as solo singers. As ⅓ of Kalafina I would like to hear how you feel about this?

I'm incredibly happy. Of course I am more than happy and grateful for ten years worth of singing together as a trio as a part of Kalafina, there is so much significance in that experience. But I think the three of us as singers have the will and power to express music by ourselves.

―― You each have pride as a singer?

Yes. In the interviews I have done in the past I always talked about not just wanting to be part of Kalafina, I have never abandoned my wish to work as a solo artist, I had never forgotten about that dream. Back then I was the only one who had expressed that wish but I am happy that now each of us is determined to do solo work.

―― Yes, I remember, you always said that it was your wish to sing solo.

At that time I thought it would be best to do it alongside my activities as member of Kalafina. Nowadays I am filled with happiness because I know we all have the opportunity to pursue our own music, our songs and all kinds of other things. I love Wakana-san and Keiko-san’s voice and I'm looking forward to what kind of music they will be creating. Among everyone who has been involved in Kalafina they have always been the closest to me so I am just really looking forward to what they are doing. I love them as a fan just like everyone else (laughs).

―― You were always singing together and now there is this new situation where each of you is listening to the others from an outsider’s point of view, right?

I have seen Wakana-san and Keiko-san singing non-Kalafina songs during many Yuki Kajiura Lives. However, there was no such thing as them performing solo. Right now I am just cheering for them and very much looking forward to what’s coming next.

―― As singers isn’t there are some sort of rivalry between you?

I guess that’s par for the course in this line of work.

―― I see.

When I am talking about rivalry I mean it in the sense of a healthy competition, they are worthy opponents. We are able to bring the best out in each other. For me there is absolutely no negative connotation to the term “rival”, I have no wish whatsoever to beat them or kick them down. I think every singer feels that way. It’s not about being jealous or wanting to be like that person.

―― By being aware of each other you can bring out the best in each other.

At the end of the day when it comes to our relationship with music it is the most satisfying thing to express what we want to express. I am more than happy when the people who listen to my music can find something they like but if they don’t like it they should find music they can enjoy. During my Kalafina days I think there were many people who didn’t particularly like my singing but they loved Wakana-san and Keiko-san’s singing and expression. It makes me very happy that the three of us now have the chance to play an active role in our respective fields and to deliver music to as many people as possible.

I think music has always been rooted in people's lives

―― This interview is conducted online at the beginning of May during Golden Week. I feel like the world has changed a lot recently. After the lockdown period has ended, I think it will take quite a while until we will be able to hold big lives again with thousands of attendees. At the same time things are changing drastically when it comes to how we express art, our viewpoints have changed, everyone is exploring various new things.

I agree.

―― I would like to hear what you think about this.

Hmm...well, I think music is something we can’t live without. Music has always been rooted deeply in people's lives. For example, praying for rain by beating the drums or singing a song. People have been doing this for centuries.

―― Yes, dancing and singing are often considered to be offerings to the Gods.

Yes. When you wanted to celebrate something or feel healed, music has always been what people turned to. With that in mind, I think music will never disappear. There will always be people who will crave it and when that happens I want to be able to provide my own music.

―― As someone who has chosen music as their path in life, you want to provide what is required.

Yes, I have chosen this job as my profession and I am doing the best I can but it is a profession that can only exist when there are people who listen to the music. So I want to keep singing and stand before you as long as there are people who want to listen to me. Honestly though, I will probably sing for the rest of my life even if no one is listening to me (laughs).

―― Unfortunately, your acoustic live that was scheduled for April was cancelled, it would be nice if the world got back to normal soon so public lives were possible again.

I think it’s also important to find a connection through the screen, that’s what we can do right now ... But I always say that lives are like a "conversation" for me, meeting you in person and being close to each other provides a lot of warmth, we can share our thoughts with each other, so I hope that we will be able to do that soon again.

―― Finally, please leave a message for the fans.

Thank you for reading this article to the very end. I often think about my position as a singer. I decided to do the best thing I could and launched the H-el-ical// project. Now, with the help of all kinds of people, I have been able to release a major debut single as a solo artist, the day I watched the first episode of "Gleipnir" I cried like a baby. This brought so much happiness, I will never forget it. H-el-ical// is something that I want to create with all of you. Of course it's my solo project but there are many more people involved in this project, including everyone who is reading this article. I would like to discover and see new sceneries, new places and a new world together with all of you. Therefore, I would appreciate your continued support for H-el-ical//.

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artificialqueens · 4 years

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Tree House Kisses, Chapter 36 (Adorney) - Scorpio and Veronica

A/N: Brand new content! Thank you so much to anyone following this reposting. We’re now caught up, and the idea is to post about a chapter a month until we’re done with the story. (Fingers crossed.) Please let us know if you have any requests!

Click here for previous chapters, or here to read on AO3. XOXO!

Chapter Summary: After the Spring musical forces Courtney and Adore back into each other's lives, Adore gets advice from a very unlikely source.

Chapter 36: Something Good

It was about 2 weeks into play practice for The Sound of Music when Courtney discovered her favorite place in school to make out with Roy: the backstage dressing rooms. She was sitting perched on the counter, Roy’s mouth trailing down her neck. Her hands moved to his waist, tugging on his fly.

Roy groaned slightly, then glanced around the dressing room, asking, “Aren’t you worried that someone might walk in?”

“Isn’t that part of the fun?” she replied with a wicked smile.

He grinned back, dimples deep in his cheeks, shaking his head. Now that the musical had begun, he was relieved, in a way, that there was finally an after-school activity that they could do together. Ever since she’d quit cheer in the Fall, it seemed to Roy that Courtney had been floundering. She wasn’t involved with any sports or clubs. He knew that a big part of it had to do with Adore. She was obviously still feeling depressed about their fractured friendship, which was understandable.

And Roy was happy to fill in the gaps, in theory. But as much as he loved Courtney, he worried that maybe she was putting too much pressure on their relationship. After all, he was just one person. One busy person. So the play gave them a chance to spend time together with more of a purpose. And even better, forced her to socialize with people besides him.

“It’s also slightly terrifying…” he said, gesturing to the door.

Courtney giggled, popping open the button and unzipping him slowly, lips brushing against his, tongue teasing. Roy knew that he shouldn’t let things go this far in public, at school. That this was just part of their game--the one where she was always pushing the envelope and he was responsible for setting the boundaries. But he was only human. Sometimes he didn’t want to be the one to stop things. Sometimes, he just wanted to enjoy himself.

“Fuck…” Roy’s fingers dug into her waist as her hands reached into his pants, heart pounding in his throat.

“Hey-oh dear god!” Jinkx stood in the doorway, a hand covering her eyes. “Uh, Leisl...we need you onstage…we’re about to work on Our Favorite Things.”

“Okay!” Courtney chirped, sliding off the counter, buttoning her top and giving Roy a chaste peck on the cheek.

“And uh…please take care of that...gross situation...” Jinkx made a vague gesture towards Roy’s crotch. “...before you come onstage?”

“Shit, sorry.”

“Good luck, Daddy,” Courtney sang, tossing Roy a kiss as she sailed out the door, leaving him reeling and dizzy.

The worst part about having to see Courtney all the time, for Adore, was how visibly okay she was.

Adore knew she shouldn’t be watching them. But somehow, she couldn’t help her eyes from drifting in their direction at lunch. Watching Courtney lean back, her fingers pressing into the grass. Her head fell backwards, elongating her neck and catching Roy’s attention.

Roy stared at her for a few moments, probably as transfixed as Adore as the sun highlighted Courtney’s angelic features. Adore watched as Roy reached over, slipping his finger under the chain of her necklace before leaning over, placing a soft kiss on Courtney's shoulder. Her glossy pink lips stretched into a wide smile, basking in his attention.

Wishing that she hadn’t seen such a small act of affection, something similar to sadness washed over Adore. Adore knew that Courtney missed her, in theory. She knew that cutting her off had upset her. But she also knew that, ultimately, she was fine. And that was the really gut-wrenching part.

Because Adore was not fine. As much as she tried to pretend sometimes, the loss of her best friend was like an open, gaping wound. She never forgot. She never moved on. She just went through her days feeling numb at best, and miserable at worst, and usually somewhere in the middle.

She had other friends. And she loved them. But Courtney had always brought a special kind of light into her life that no one else could. And the really sad thing was that for a long time, Adore genuinely believed that she’d done the same thing for Courtney.

But it was clear whenever she glimpsed her giggling at play practice, or fooling around with Roy on the grass at lunch, or even just walking through the halls—her light was still there. Adore’s absence hadn’t dimmed it at all.

Adore hated to even admit to herself how much it hurt, but there it was. The raw truth.

“Willam, stop!” Courtney tried to hold back her laughter and get him to focus on their choreography.

Willam was a clear example of how boys could get lead roles with two left feet, whereas she got scolded if she missed one step. They were trying to rehearse their dance during “16 Going On 17” and he was just not taking anything seriously. Partly because he’d been empowered by Mrs. Maguire to be a bit of a ham, when she told him, “I’m not saying you have to camp it up like Dan is doing, but don’t feel like you have to play him perfectly straight.”

Of course, Willam had taken that direction and ran with it, mincing about the stage and tossing imaginary hair. Still obviously a little bitter about getting passed over for the ‘Baroness in Drag’ role she’d given to Dan. In spite of everything though, Courtney was happy that they had so many scenes together. Yes, he could be a pain in the ass, but screwing around with him like two naughty children was just the perfect distraction for her.

Sometimes, as much as she loved Roy, the sympathy in his eyes when she got down was too much to bear. With Willam, there was none of that. They could laugh and have fun and be crazy and she never had to worry about him making her think about something deep. She never had to worry about him being tender or careful the way Roy was sometimes - the way even her mother had been since she’d confessed about her fight with Adore all those months ago. If she spaced out or got wistful, all Willam would do was punch her on the shoulder and tell her to stop being a moody cunt. It was refreshing and necessary.

“Okay, let’s try that again,” said Mrs. Maguire, gesturing for Thorgy to reset the music.

“Hey, Mrs. Maguire. I thought this scene would be kinkier. Weren’t Nazis really into like, BDSM and shit?”

Courtney let out a shrieking giggle, clapping her hand over her mouth.

“Willam, please try to focus on-”

“You’re thinking of Cabaret,” Jinkx answered from the front row, not even looking up from her script.

“Ohhh, bummer.”

“How about a spanking?” Courtney asked gleefully, bouncing around the stage on the balls of her feet. “I mean, he fully deserves it. Both Willam and Rolf.” She gave him a good smack on the ass to emphasize her point, spirits high, an almost manic gleam in her eye.

“Guys-” Mrs. Maguire was starting to look a bit irritated.

“Oh no, I’ve been a bad little Nazi,” Willam said, bending over, putting a finger in his mouth. Courtney giggled harder and slapped his ass again, harder this time.

“What in the actual FUCK?” Bob said, darting out from behind the wings.

Courtney and Willam both whirled around to face him.

“Guys. Please pay attention-” Mrs. Maguire began, but Bob cut her off.

“No, I’m sorry, are these two blonde, blue-eyed, devil fuckheads trivializing white supremacy right now?” he yelled. “Actually, no, worse, they are fucking fetishizing white supremacy. What the fuck?!”

Courtney’s eyes went wide in alarm.

“I’m sorry, Bob,” she said immediately, hitting Willam in the shoulder. This was all his fault, after all.

“Yeah, sorry,” he echoed, “But my character just really likes a spanking-”

“Bill!” Courtney exclaimed, hitting him again. “Bob, I really am sorry. That was dumb.”

“You’re damn right it was!” Bob said. “Now, I want you to apologize to everyone here! Including your Mexican boyfriend!” He pointed at Roy.

“I’m sor-”

“I’m not Mexican, Bob,” Roy called up from the audience.

“Stepping on my motherfucking point, Del Rio!” Bob yelled back.

“I’m sorry, I really didn’t mean it that way,” Courtney said, heart pounding with embarrassment and fear. Bob hardly ever got angry like that. What if he stayed mad? What if she lost him? What if she lost April, too? Tears pricked at her eyes. Why was she so stupid? “That was insensitive; we won’t do it again, I-”

“Good!”

Bob began to march offstage, and Courtney swallowed, regret swirling in her chest, cheeks still hot with shame. What the fuck was wrong with her? Why did she let Willam rope her into that whole thing?

“Leisl! Rolf! Can we get back to your number?!” Mrs. Maguire asked.

“Yes, sorry!"

Courtney rang Bob’s doorbell and bit her lip, clutching the pink bakery box in her hands.

“Hey…” Bob opened the door, looking her up and down with a slightly confused expression. “What’s up?”

“Um...April said that the apple fritters from Hal’s Donuts are your favorite.” She held out the box, which he took from her skeptically.

“They are…but why?”

“I just felt bad. About the thing with Willam earlier.” Courtney shifted uncomfortably.

“Oh.” Bob sighed. “Well, you should. I mean...I think it’s okay that you feel bad.”

Courtney nodded, swallowing down a lump in her throat.

“I wanted to tell you that I really care about you, and I’m sorry, and if I can make it better-”

“Court, this isn’t about me and you. You know? It’s just like...sometimes it’s really exhausting how much racism and bigotry is just everywhere, all the time, even in a stupid school musical,” Bob said.

“Yeah. I get it. I mean...I think I get it.”

Bob smiled ruefully, holding up the box. “But I do appreciate the reparations.”

“Anytime,” Courtney said, grinning back at him.

“Just want to make sure...you’re not hitting on me right now, are you?”

“No!” Courtney glared at him. “Come on!”

“Okay, okay, just checking,” he laughed.

Adore sat in the back of the theatre, trying to get some of her most annoying homework done while the Von Trapp children rehearsed “So Long, Farewell” onstage.

“I’d like to stay, and taste my first champagne-”

“Courtney!” Mrs. Maguire cut in. “Can you please do the champagne line in a less sexual way? Remember that he’s your dad in this show, not your boyfriend.”

“But I love my Daddy,” Courtney simpered, fluttering her lashes and making the other Von Trapp children titter with laughter.

“Stop it,” Roy said, trying to suppress his grin.

“Courtney, look at it this way. It would be a real problem if Captain Von Trapp got a boner on stage. Especially while his kids are singing,” explained Mrs. Maguire, increasing the giggling from the peanut gallery.

“Yeah, a real problem!” Roy echoed.

“Sorry Daddy!” Courtney sang, skipping back to her place in line.

“Dude…” Bob’s voice carried further than he intended through the theatre, catching Adore’s attention as he thumped Jamin on the shoulder. “Did you see that?”

Adore tilted her head, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear as if she actually needed any help hearing Bob. He was only a few rows away, and even though he seemed to think he was being quiet, his big mouth was 100% audible to anyone in the vicinity.

“Courtney? Is a total fucking nympho,” Bob continued.

“A nympho?!” Jamin repeated, tossing his head back to let out a loud cackle, earning a few looks, but ultimately ignored.

“No, really?” Thorgy gasped at the idea, blinking at Bob in disbelief through thick glasses.

“Yeah, I’m telling you!” Bob insisted, snickering. “Roy says that she used to be kind of a prude, but now she cannot get enough. She just wants his dick like, all the time. Everywhere. I think he used the word ‘insatiable.’”

“Attagirl!” Willam said.

Anger started to find its way into Adore’s veins; the natural instinct to defend and protect Courtney regardless of them not being on good terms poked at Adore like a hot spike.

“Poor guy, he’s exhausted,” Bob said, laughing some more, and Adore slammed her binder shut, immediately grabbing her stuff and racing outside.

Something about that conversation made her feel embarrassed and angry, almost vengefully so. How dare they talk about Courtney that way? Sure, she had her faults, but hearing them laugh about her was so vile, so utterly boy. So wrong. And Adore knew exactly who to blame.

The sound was a cross between a thump and a click, and it caused Roy to look up from his desk, confused. It was after the second one when he realized that something was hitting his window. He crossed the bedroom and lifted it, surprised to see Adore standing there, several pinecones in her hands, about to hurl another one.

“Uh...hi?”

“Come outside!” she demanded.

“Why didn’t you just use the doorbell like a normal person?” Roy asked.

“Why don’t you stop asking pussy-ass questions and get out here?”

Roy rolled his eyes. Obviously, she was in some kind of mood. (What else was new?) He decided to follow the path of least resistance and just do what she wanted.

“I’ll be right down.”

She was pacing around the driveway when he stepped outside, practically wearing a hole in the pavement.

“Hey. Are you alright? What’s-”

“What the fuck is wrong with you?!” Adore exploded. “Why are you such an asshole?”

“Uh…” Roy wasn’t sure what this tantrum was about, so he decided to diffuse the situation with some humor. “Well...my parents are both assholes...and then they fucked, and…” He held up his hands as if to say ‘Ta da!’

“That is so not funny,” she said, turning on her heel and sitting down on the curb.

“Listen. I’m sure I deserve all this wrath, but I don’t actually know where it’s coming from. Care to enlighten me?” He walked over and sat down beside her. Just far enough that he’d have time to run away if she took a swing at him. Which wasn’t entirely out of the question.

Adore groaned before speaking.

“Bob is going around talking about how...how you told him that Courtney used to be a prude but now she’s a nymphowho can’t get enough of your stupid dick. It’s gross.”

Roy began to laugh, and only stopped when he saw the expression on Adore’s face grow even angrier, cheeks darkening.

“I...Adore, come on. I never said that.”

“Well, Bob says you did!”

“Well, Bob makes up a lot of shit! Who believes Bob?! And who knows why he said it?” Roy said, suppressing another laugh. He knew why, if he was honest. He’d been telling his friend about how extra needy Courtney had been lately, and he may have left out the part about how sad she was and exaggerated the sex part...just a little bit. That was harmless, right?

“People believed him!” Adore insisted, tears pricking her eyes. “And you need to put an end to it, or you’re just as guilty as him! If you really cared about her, you wouldn’t want people saying that shit.”

“I don’t really think Courtney would be-” Roy paused mid-sentence, remembering who he was talking to. Who the hell was Adore Delano to lecture him about this? If he really cared? He had given her the benefit of the doubt, seeing how upset she was, but now he was pissed. “Why do you care, anyway?” he asked. “You’re not even friends with her anymore.”

Adore’s face crumbled, tears filling her eyes, a hand covering her mouth. Roy suddenly felt overwhelmingly, unjustifiably guilty.

“Hey...come on…” he began, and then reached out to give her an awkward hug. “It’s...it’s all gonna be okay.”

“It won’t,” Adore sobbed.

“Sure it will,” he insisted.

“I didn't mean-“ Adore hiccupped, “-for it to go on...so long.”

“Okay so...end it. You’re the only one who can.”

“But what am I supposed to say? How will I explain?” Adore buried her face in her hands, Roy’s own hands hesitantly patting her back.

“It doesn’t matter what you say, Dory. She won’t give a shit,” Roy sighed. Was he really going to be the one to fix this friendship, after everything that happened? Apparently, yes. What a chump. “She really misses you, you know. She still wears that stupid bracelet every day.”

“I know,” Adore said, voice breaking.

“And she still...you know, she thinks that any day, you’re just gonna magically be friends again. You know how many times she’s said like…‘Roy, she’s not gonna possibly be mad at me on Halloween...She can’t hate me on Christmas...Roy, it’s my birthday, she’s gonna call me.’”

Adore closed her eyes, gulping for breath, too upset even to make fun of Roy’s terrible impression--he sounded more like a low-rent Marilyn Monroe impersonator than Courtney.

“Are you trying to make me feel worse?”

“No, I’m trying to say...whenever you decide that enough is enough...she’ll be ready. She won’t care. She won’t need an explanation. She’ll just be...so happy.”

“Why are you telling me this?”

Roy looked at her curiously, wondering if she knew how much he knew.

“Why wouldn’t I tell you? It’s the truth.”

“Yeah but…” Adore sniffled, wiping her face on her flannel shirt. “I know you hate me. I figured you’d be happy to be rid of me.”

“I don’t hate you. You hate me,” Roy explained slowly.

“I do not. I just...you know, you’re like that one obnoxious, know-it-all cousin that we all have.”

Roy frowned, brows furrowed.

“I don’t have a cousin like that.”

“Right, because you are that cousin, dork,” Adore laughed through her tears, shaking her head.

“Oh.” Roy paused, tilting his head. “Why do you think I hate you?”

Adore shrugged.

“I’ve never hated you. And...even if I did, I’d still want you to make up with Courtney, because I love her, and she loves you. And I want her to be happy.”

“What a hero,” Adore said, rolling her eyes.

“Look...I’ll tell Bob to knock it off with the nympho comments, okay?”

“Okay.” Adore sighed, wiping her eyes again. “Thanks.”

“Sure. You gonna be alright?”

“Yeah…” She swallowed, looking away, suddenly a little embarrassed about losing it and crying all over Roy, of all people. “Why do you have a basketball hoop, anyway? You're three feet tall and you suck at sports.”

“First of all. I'm 5’9” - a totally reasonable height. And second...it's Vanessa’s.”

Adore chuckled, looking back down at the ground. She knew what she had to do now, but she wasn’t sure how.

Pearl’s pencil moved in quick light strokes across the page, filling in the lines on a weed bouquet, with rolling paper for stems and nugs as petals. The cold frame of Violet’s bed continuously pressing into her back from Violet’s constant shifting above made it a less than comfortable position for her, but Pearl was content. Because honestly, no matter how sarcastic, bitchy or self-centered Violet could be, Pearl always jumped at the chance to hang with her; especially when it was just the two of them.

“Ugh, can you believe this. ‘Who Wore it Best?’” Pearl was suddenly engulfed in the aroma of lemon and berries as her sketchbook was replaced with a magazine and Violet’s long dark hair brushed against her face, tickling her nose.

“I mean obviously, none of them. That dress is sooo, fucking ugly.” Violet scoffed. “I mean, nothing. Nothing. Can save that dress. Those pumps on Jessica are really cute though.” Violet’s red fingernail dragged across the page.

She then snorted before the magazine disappeared and she shuffled back to her position on the bed, tucking a pillow under her chest to get comfortable again.

When it was just the two of them, things were different. Violet would never admit it but she was much different outside of school, outside of being surrounded by tons of people she didn't like. She was softer, sillier and more enjoyable. Pearl suspected it was because Violet felt like she had to keep her guard up at school. Like she had to keep everyone at a fair distance so that no one would ever have the upper hand on her--or maybe it was because she was a Gemini and just a crazy bitch. But either way, Pearl liked it.

The blonde smiled to herself before setting her sketchbook aside and climbing onto the bed beside Violet. “Let me see.”

“I know!” Courtney exclaimed, as Jinkx laughed beside her, “That’s why I always ask him to-”

She stopped speaking suddenly, pulse racing. Adore was standing behind Jinkx, waiting for her cue, and around her neck was something Courtney hadn’t seen since wrapping it in September--the choker that she’d given Adore for her birthday. She’d long ago accepted that Adore might have just tossed it in the trash, or donated it to Goodwill. But she’d kept it.

For the first time in so long, Courtney felt a surge of hope, overcome with so much joy that tears stung her eyes.

“Are you okay?” Jinkx asked, placing a hand on her arm.

“Yeah…” Courtney watched Adore carefully as she turned to answer a question from Willam. Had she noticed Courtney? Had she noticed that Courtney noticed her? Courtney turned back to Jinkx. “Yeah, I’m good.”

Courtney stood in the wings, watching the little exchange between Willam and Roy in the “graveyard,” laughing to herself. If Mrs. Maguire thought that her flirting was bad, she should take a second look at Willam. Courtney glanced around to see if anyone else was enjoying their scene as much as her, when she spotted Adore. She waited for Adore to look up and catch her eye.

Adore gave her the slightest little nod, her first sign of civility since the Fall. Courtney’s heart soared. What should she do? Somehow, as much as she wanted to fling herself into Adore’s arms and sob her eyes out, she knew that it would be the wrong move.

So she bit her lip, making a slight motion towards the stage to beckon Adore over.

“Willam’s fucking with Roy. It’s totally making him squirm,” she explained in a soft whisper.

Adore chuckled a bit, standing closer to get a look at them.

On stage, Roy grasped Willam by the shoulders and hissed his line in a stage whisper.

“Come away with us!”

Willam waited a beat. But instead of reaching for his whistle like he was supposed to, he collapsed in Roy’s arms, crooning, “Yaaas, Daddy!”

“You ass,” Roy pushed him off.

Courtney turned to Adore, giggling, glad to see her laughing too, searching awkwardly for something to say. She reached out and touched the veil of her habit.

“I can’t believe you’re playing a nun.”

“Apparently, a lot of nuns were gay. No men to answer to, just women, don’t have to marry some douchey old asshole. Lesbian havens.”

“Wow. Cool.” Courtney nodded. “Sounds like cheer camp.”

Adore stared at her, blinking.

“Huh...I never realized how gay cheerleading was…”

“Oh yeah. Super gay. You should have joined in with me. You’d have cleaned up,” Courtney finished with a sly smile.

“Yeah,” Adore snickered. “Too bad I can’t dance.”

“That doesn’t matter. I can’t dance.”

“Shut up, yes you can.”

“No, I can learn choreography. But according to Alyssa, I had no rhythm,” Courtney explained.

“Yeah, well...Alyssa is a twat.”

“True,” Courtney laughed. She caught Adore’s eye again, grinning at her. And when Adore smiled back, she really did feel like she might break down in tears.

So she looked away, swallowing hard, dared to reach out her hand towards Adore. When Adore allowed her to link their pinkies together, her breath hitched in relief. Even better, Adore took a small step closer to her, allowing Courtney to rest a head on her shoulder.

They probably had a lot to talk about. And it was possible that things wouldn’t ever truly be the same as they were before. But for now, in this moment, Courtney felt like everything was exactly perfect.

Spring had brought more than blossoming flowers—and “pollen,” as Violet constantly whined about—for Adore. That dark cloud that had been hovering over Adore for so many months had finally vanished. The light in her eyes and the genuine laughter that fell from her lips was a breath of fresh air for everyone, but mostly herself.

She had been in such a good mood, she even volunteered to join Violet and Fame for a sleepover.

And now, Violet, Fame and Adore found themselves in the battle of the bored-est; Fame was stuck in a cycle of indecisiveness as she changed around her MySpace theme for the fourth time that evening; Violet was surrounded with a mess of old clothes from her closet on the floor; and Adore, well she was stuffing her face with pizza as waited for Courtney to text her back.

It felt as if things had never changed as Courtney was complaining about her grandmother, who Adore wasn’t too happy to hear had moved in. It had actually come as a shock to Adore. Yes, she noticed Muriel around more often in the neighborhood, but Adore never would have thought that she’d move in.

If only Adore could have been there for that conversation between Courtney and Karen.

Adore knew that it would be the thing she would always regret the most about pushing Courtney away--all the time and moments she should have been there and she wasn’t. The stories she could have been a part of, but now would only hear secondhand, through Courtney’s animated storytelling.

Adore willed away regretful tears before they came. There was no reason to shed sad tears now. She and Courtney were in a better place now.

Maybe, with time, they could even be better than before.

“Ugh, no. I can’t do this!” Violet suddenly announced, crumpling up a blouse and tossing it across the room in frustration.

Adore arched an eyebrow, waiting for Violet to elaborate.

“What’s wrong?” Fame asked, only glancing over at Violet, who was now sitting with her arms crossed, a pout forming on her lips.

“Wassup, Vi? Can’t find your favorite skirt?” Adore joked.

“Shut up!” Violet snapped, “No, I-I’m just… I need a break. I’ve been conceptualizing this dress for nearly two weeks now. And I don’t even like the fabrics together. I mean they’re sooo, fu-cking tacky.” Violet emphasized her point by tossing clothes in the air around her.

“Yeah, and I can not with this theme. I really wanted a theme that would incorporate everything that I am.” Fame pushed her desk chair away from Violet’s computer.

“I didn’t think there was anything wrong with it. You had one of the cutest themes in school,” Adore tried to reassure Fame.

“Yeah, but it didn't say ‘FAME!’' she threw her hands up giving her best spirit fingers. “When someone clicks on my page they should instantly know ‘this girl is not like the rest.’”

“Why don't you just, put some pictures of a chicken as your background, and I’m sure we can find an audio of chickens clucking on the internet and call it a day. I mean everyone will definitely know ‘this girl is not like the rest,’” Violet suggested, causing Adore to choke out a laugh.

“I’m not sure whether to be insulted or… because that was actually a pretty good idea-”

Fame’s answer was followed by Violet’s famous screech of, “Hell no!.

“What?” Fame questioned.

“You’re an idiot,” Violet shook her head, climbing on her bed and settling beside Adore. “Do not put chickens as your background and please do not even think about an audio of chickens clucking, because I will never visit your page ever again.”

“Ugh, whatever,” Fame rolled her eyes, before focusing on Adore. “What do you think?”

“I wanna dye my hair,” Adore responded, gladly leaving the chicken conversation behind.

“Wait, huh?”

“Really?”

“Yeah,” Adore sat up, tucking her feet under herself. “I think it's time for a change.” She gestured to the two-toned black to a faded blue greyish hair upon her head, the turquoise dye from the summer almost completely gone.

“Wh-” but before Fame could even finish her sentence, Violet let out something between a squeal and a roar of excitement, shocking the other two girls, as she bounded off the bed and started digging through her closet.

“Fame, come on, put on your shoes. We have to do this before she changes her mind. I mean, I had planned to just cut all her hair off tonight in her sleep, but this is so much better!”

“Wait, what?! OUCH!” Adore tumbled off the bed, trying to untangle her legs from beneath her.

By the time she was right side up, Violet and Fame already had their jackets and shoes on their feet.

“You wanted to cut my hair?”

“Adore, only in theory,” Fame tried to reassure her, “now put on your shoes and let's go.”

Adore swatted her hand away, “That doesn’t even make sense.”

“No, but neither did you. You were the one walking around here like some kind of dehydrated smurf, these last few months, so let's go.”

Violet began to pull Adore out of the room before she could even get her shoes on.

“Ugh, I don’t even know why you let it get this far.” Violet shook her head, whipping the dye together in the bowl.

“Tell me about it...” Fame’s disappointed tone made Adore smile. “The blue was fading three months ago. Violet, I told her to let me handle it back then.”

“She doesn’t listen.” Violet rolled her eyes as Fame draped an old towel around Adore’s shoulders.

But in spite of being the object of their derision, Adore felt amazing. In the drug store earlier, she’d chosen a bright, fiery, cherry-red. It would be glorious, a real statement--and it wouldn’t interfere with the play, since she’d be wearing a nun habit the whole time anyway. She was practically bouncing as she sat on the toilet seat in Violet’s small bathroom.

“You both just need to focus on not fucking my hair up. Because if I end up bald because of you two, I’m ready to fight,” Adore joked.

“We know what we’re doing,” Violet reassured her.

“Honestly, all this kinda makes me want to dye my hair,” Fame shrugged, looking thoughtfully at her reflection.

“Omigod! Please go red with me,” Adore begged excitedly. She loved the idea of more people joining in on the fun.

“Hmm, maybe. Not that bright though, maybe a bit more auburn-ish.”

“That… would look so good on you.” Violet’s eyes lit up at the idea of Fame’s famously blonde hair a darker red.

“You think?” Fame tossed her hair, fluttering her lashes at both of them.

“Yes, let’s do it!” Adore cried, gung-ho and excited, bouncing up out of the chair.

“Calm down, bitch,” Violet said, shoving her back into the chair. “One victim at a time here at Chez Violette.”

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pilferingapples · 5 years

Note

For the ask meme poetry smash for ship and Bahorel for character if they have not been asked?

Aaaah this one will definitely have to be under the cut XD

Bahorel!!

How I feel about this character:

TARGETED, ATTACKED, SINGLED OUT. :P

I love the way he’s introduced right up in the context of state violence and civil unrest and then his intro just saunters on cheerfully into Wacky Fun but then veers back into Social Uprisings-I have a Lot Of Feelings about that kind of Chaotic Joy combo and this post is already so long but AUGH, MY FEELINGS.

And aside from All My Emotions about him as a character in the story, he and Prouvaire were what really got me to look into French Romanticism in particular and now I’ve got a major Life Interest and all this metacanon overlaying the fictional character and the whole dang novel so it’s a whole This Character Changed My Life thing now?!?

Any/all the people I ship romantically with this character:

more Romantically than romantically, really, but you know it’s Prouvaire XD ..and also I’m open to being sold on about any pairing for him, really, depending on how it’s written-- he’s not a very picket-fence-domestic character to me so there’s no big contradiction there :P

(This also includes the Laughing Mistress- I like a lot of versions of her, but not every one, and she’s a character fans pretty much have to make their own, so! it’s not a thing I can say I *always* enjoy reading)

My favorite non-romantic relationship for this character:

his instant Avatars of Paris Unite!! bond with Gavroche, of course :D

My unpopular opinion about this character:

He’s not replaceable or graftable onto the other Amis in any way that works with any sort of detailed adaptation! He’s got a specific character and a specific role and it’s important, dang it, there’s a whole dialogue about the role of street violence in the ideal of the revolution in there and how it gets cyclical and put him in your adaptations and give him his scenes, you cowards **shakes fist**

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon:

Wow it’s great that after the uprising he took on Gavroche as his Apprentice Hellraiser and went on to long weird successful career as a civil activist /organizer, what a good story ;__;

Favorite friendship for this character:

Leaving aside the two people Already Named, I’ve got So Many Feelings and Ideas about his friendship with Enjolras? They’re so wildly different (and Bahorel knows it!) and so intense in ways that are actively contradictory but they obviously work well together and love each other and that is fascinating to me!

My crossover ship:

Well now that Fixa’s mentioned it I’m never going to be able to not think of him with Porthos, being Terrible Carousing Combat Nightmares together XD

002 Shipping Questions

Poetry Smash

When I started shipping them:

agh geez, I don’t even remember Not? When I first read the book, maybe?!? I know they’re in some of my very earliest fanart (and if anyone reblogs it I will DELETE IT oh gad the Shame but still...it’s a Record...) Even before I knew The Backstory, I recognized them as having , potentially, one of my Favorite Ship Dynamics, so I was sunk early on XDAnd then I found out about the Metacanon and My Life Was Changed Forever.

My thoughts:

I don’t see this pair as ever fitting into the “ settle down” pattern ever, at all. Not just in the sense that I don’t think they’re a Permanent Lifebonded Monogamy kind of pairing (though I very very much don’t; I can see them going through phases of being intensely Together and phases where they don’t see each other for weeks outside of gatherings with other friends and they’re always open to New/ Other Grand Romances, it’s all good, they Follow Their Passions) , but in the sense that I don’t think they’re a calming force on each other at all. There is no Reasonable One in this relationship--they run on a “ Yes, and” basis. Like:“ We should go to the top of Notre Dame in the night, so we can see the city under the stars.” “ Yes! And we can recite some of the grand combat from Hugo’s novel when we do!” “ Yes and! we should take a great banner proclaiming the endurance of the Republic and hang it for all to see!” “ Yes! and--”

At no point will either of them even consider saying “ wait, but--”, it’s just constant amplification until they wake up three days later going “what omnibus hit me and where did I get a llama” and that’s essential to how they Work as a pair, romantically or otherwise

What makes me happy about them:

Hijinks! Emotional soul-baring! Cheerful but serious fascinations with Death (the Ultimate Betrothal!) !

What makes me sad about them:

DO YOU REMEMBER OUR SWEET LIFE **sobs forever**(does this question even need to be answered in this fandom, really)

Things done in fanfic that annoys me:

Nuh-uh-uh, listen, SOME fancy people might be so very buried in fanfic for their pairing that they can be all picky, but me? this? there are like five people who write anything for it EVER and I Love Them For It, maybe we have some different interpretations! maybe they do settings or stories I wouldn’t write if I could write! But they’re singing a version of My Song even if it’s in a different key and I just vastly appreciate it *__*

Things I look for in fanfic:

...ex...istence... A Lot Of Feelings , displayed very openlyAlso both of them being coequal Partners in Havoc, action and emotion-wise , in their own way.

My wishlist:

i always love Magical Realism or Fantasy-tinted AUs with these two? And i love it when someone can write into their heads a bit and it feels Real And Right--that’s too subjective for me to name Specific Things but I know it when I see it and I am always Elated.

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other:

Oh, I don’t think of them as “ ending up with” each other, or anyone? Neither of them is a very...Ending Up With kind of person. I never think of them as a permanent, exclusive kind of thing, and I have zero problem with people writing them having other lovers or even spouses; it’s easy for me to imagine them still wandering happily into and out of each others’ paths forever regardless of whatever else is going on.

...Anyone who’s gonna be with either of them long-term needs to be totally onboard with The Romanticist Soul, though,or their life will be hellllllll, gad, imagine trying to live with that kind of Energy when you don’t share it?!?

My happily ever after for them:

a young but thriving Republic , where there’s room for Weirdo Artists and their movements to develop without censors and arrests , and a large house somewhere in Paris with friends and people wanting to argue with them going in and out all the time. Everyone’s Fine and all the duels end in comedic misadventure, IT’S FINE EVERYONE IS FINE.

#...this took forever #and I didn't say half what I have to say on either option XD #but IT TOOK FOREVER #thank you for asking though <3 #answereds #Poetry Smash #firing the headcanons #aflamethatneverdies

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whetstonefires · 6 years

Note

While i was rifling thru your fic tag like a half-starved raccoon in a cake tin I found your clone Damian's fic & i'm in LOVE! And like, do u hav anymore meta on that verse? like how do the rest of the fam find out? how do they REACT?! how does Damian? does the heretic clone still exist? Just reading abt tim with a bunch of tiny dami's gave me heart palpitations. Thank you for this gift.

(In reference to this post.)

Why thank you!

It’s vaguely inspired by some meta @cerusee and @audreycritter did about what if Damian was one of several identical clones, but I’ve been fascinated by the character potential suggested by Damian having been cloned since Talia first revealed it, so.

Let’s see.

I don’t think the Heretic still exists, not in the form we saw. This story fragment sort of assumes Talia went less crazy than they made her for the whole Leviathan storyline; she doesn’t regard the clones as sons the way she does Damian (she totally relied on cloning to get him perfectly matched organ replacements, like that spine) but she’s not “sons are born to die in battle” “let’s grow him big inside a WHALE” levels of whacked out.

She hasn’t fully committed to having them compete to be selected as the official Damian #2, either, because she’s still attached to the original, though the growing prospect of that was a lot of the reason they ran for it. One of them might have wound up as the Heretic, in another timeline? But it was a timeline that diverged long before they fled the League.

So they make it to Tim’s emergency van without being intercepted, and get as far as his secure site on city limits, but they have to fight their way through the last leg of that trip and to make it inside the bunker, and it’s supplied for a siege but not really big enough for eight people, even if seven of them are small, and also staying there and being besieged would draw the attention of the Bats, which defeats the whole purpose of not making for the Cave/calling reinforcements.

So he calls his friends for extraction, and they all wind up in Kansas.

Tim puts off contacting the family until the clones have with his guidance sorted out exactly how they want to present themselves.

Unfortunately, the last stage of the ninja battle was showy enough not to be overlooked, so his absence was noticed much sooner than he expected, and regarded as more worrying. On the second day Dick calls Kon to see if he knows where Tim’s gotten to, and Kon fails to lie adequately.

Dick can’t pressure Kon as easily as he can most people because last time he asked Kon for a favor Kon came to the North Pole and died for him.

Which is the kind of thing even Nightwing isn’t veteran enough not to take seriously.

But he still calls his bluff and asks a bunch of questions, and winds up very suspicious and worried, so at this point Tim and the Damians have to hurry up and figure out how to announce the situation or go on the run from the Bats as well as the League, which would be. Not smart.

Tim explains the situation over videochat with the Cave before having the cloneboys join him on the feed; this spares them the worst of the yelling.

Bruce, Dick, and Damian all respond pretty badly. Bruce because he doesn’t like change and he’s reflexively suspicious, and having eight Damians to raise is a justly horrifying notion. Also anti-clone prejudice. It’s unfortunately an established trait of his, though not like. A strong one.

Dick because he’s really defensive of Damian, and perceives this first and foremost as an emotional threat to his bab’s fragile identity.

Damian because he knows exactly how he was raised to react to someone being in a place he wants, and he knows how many opportunities his father’s household policies gave him to take shots at Tim, and they may be six years old but there are seven of them. He is going to die.

All things considered, Damian’s being the most rational here.

He’s wrong though. The clones were raised as disposable ninjas, not princes; they’re perfectly well aware killing him would gain them nothing, and they have very little sense of entitlement.

Bruce and Dick do try to be nice to the kids once it’s finally settled they will be staying at the Manor at least for a bit, because they need to be somewhere safe and Bruce can’t leave them at Clark’s house forever. Even Ma Kent has her limits.

But Bruce blows bewilderingly hot and cold and Dick kind of makes a point of of not being too warm to them, because he’s loyal to his demon brat. Damian starts staying at his place a lot and consequently working with Nightwing instead of Batman.

Bruce has no idea what to do about this or if he even should do something. Damian’s thirteen, right? Teenagers are supposed to rebel??? This is a pretty harmless way to do that?

But he misses him.

This does lead to making more time for the Seven Identical Six-Year-Olds.

Their sense of morality revolves around having made the breakthrough to valuing on another’s lives; they aren’t as opposed to not-murder as Damian was but they’re also a lot harder to coax into seeing things his way because they don’t need as much from him, emotionally.

This makes them ironically less terrifying for Bruce, even if he’s still having trouble actually bonding with them the way he normally does with his kids.

Barbara meanwhile is cautious. She always takes a while to warm up to new people, and she doesn’t have Tim’s history with clones to get her over that speedbump. She tries very hard to be fair, but she’s not really welcoming. She’s Reserving Judgment.

Jason thinks this is the funniest thing ever and goes out of his way to tease Damian about it. Privately he’s super creeped out, but as that wears off he starts getting mad about Bruce and Dick making the kiddos feel unwelcome and at some point does a rant, and after that is vaguely protective in a useless sort of way.

He enjoys being a bad influence. The septuplets also enjoy this. They think he’s funny, too, and he’s easier to communicate with than most people around here. Achieves a fairly high tier on the Favorite Non-Clone Brother list they aren’t exactly keeping.

Cass is super about these kids. She can relate to them even more than to Damian, because they weren’t raised as heirs to anything and don’t have the sneering put-down form of pride going, and also she’s actually around to meet them at the crucial getting-to-know-you stage.

She thinks sparring one-on-seven is an excellent sibling bonding activity. There are assassin-child puppy piles once they’re all worn out. Many photos are taken.

She’s doing much better than Bruce at getting them to extend their nascent sense of empathy beyond one another, without actually making an effort. It’s not like they’re actually much behind their cohort when it comes to social development, they’ve just got murder conditioning flattening their affective empathy. (And are ahead of cohort intellectually, which contributes a lot to the dissonance.) Cass’ accidental therapy involves butterflies.

Tim continues to be around, a lot more than he has been for a while because he’s kind of obligated to see this through. The septuplets trust him, which is more than they do anybody else for a while, so he winds up with a lot of childcare duties.

Since this amounts to ‘showing them where to find soap’ and ‘being in their vicinity’ rather than i.e. brushing their teeth for them and making sure they don’t steal each others’ snacks, he’s fairly okay with this.

Sizdahum sticks especially close, which is fine because he’s not a big talker; he winds up getting a lot of absent lessons on detective work.

Tim gets yelled at for having murder scene photos open in front of him; both of them and Haftum, who happens to be there at the time, roll their eyes a lot throughout.

Tim’s friends also visit the Manor a few times specifically to visit the kids, since they already met them. At one point the Damian clones, Tim, Kon, Wonder Girl Cassie, and due to rumor mill Anita, Cissie, and Greta all have a picnic in a rare afternoon of sunshine on the Manor grounds.

Alfred packed the picnic so it has ludicrously expensive cheese, a fruit salad featuring freshly pitted cherries, and thermoses of milkshakes in the favorite flavors of everyone who got one, even the ones he’s never met before. In response to this bounty Anita threatens to come to visit every time she can get babysitters for her parents.

Then she considers introducing her parents to the clone kids. They’re turning out almost as weird, even if in theory they don’t remember their previous lives. We’ll see how that turns out.

Bruce got used to how all his sons’ friends know his secret identity over a decade ago, it’s…fine.

Steph thinks they’re creepy but she’s far enough from ground zero to laugh about it, especially about their occasional appearances as Tim’s row of ducklings, and also she trusts Cass’ judgment.

Everyone does, to a certain extent; it helps the septuplets’ cause incredibly over the course of the first few weeks. It wins Alfred off the fence about them after about three days, which is quite a coup; even before that he was fast catching up with Tim in the ‘learning the differences between the septuplets’ sweepstakes.

(Cass is the only one who can even semi-reliably tell them all apart if they’re not wearing their nametags, or catch them switching, but learning things like their individual preferences in weaponry or cake is arguably much more important.)

Speaking of names, it’s a difficult issue. Bruce would (with considerable angst and self-doubt) be willing to name them all if asked, and they’d probably be open to it if he offered, but they’re not quite comfortable naming themselves and he’s too insecure and weirded-out to suggest anything else.

The other members of the family are varying degrees of not okay with the numbering system. Steph’s main issue with it is she has trouble remembering them precisely, because she doesn’t speak Farsi and learning seven unfamiliar similar-sounding words at the same time doesn’t play to her strengths.

Damian has a tendency to call them by their numbers in English, which only some of the clones actually mind but it offends the hell out of Bruce.

The necessity of keeping them secret until they have actual public-ready names and a story has been settled on wears on everyone’s nerves a bit. The issue that there exists no story more believable than the actual extremely weird truth stands in the way.

Barbara actually crafts an entire cover about rescuing the products of an illegal cloning operation by people planning an overly complicated ransom scheme for Damian, and Bruce going ‘well dammit they’re my kids too,’ which doesn’t get deployed for a while because:

1) everyone’s still hunting for something a little less weird and

2) they have to review the entire body of legal precedent relating to clones to make sure this won’t put the kids in jeopardy down the line or undermine Bruce’s chances of getting custody somehow.

Meanwhile, Bruce absolutely forbids the clone squad from getting involved in vigilante fighting. Because they are six. They’re not quite on house arrest but they have strict supervision and a curfew. They mostly accept this; they’re used to discipline and they did come here for refuge.

He tries to take away all their live weapons. Because they are six. This fails to stick. It threatens to become a serious bone of contention.

Cass, Tim, and Damian (somewhat unwillingly) wind up having to broker the issue; explaining to Bruce that the kids think he suspects them of plotting murder, and to the kids that Bruce doesn’t think they can be trusted not to hurt themselves with sharp objects is. Fraught. On all sides.

Why does Bruce never get any kids for whom normal responsible parenting guidelines are fully applicable?

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shastlelow · 5 years

Text

The Rise of Kylo Ren (2020)

(This post was originally posted March 11, 2020)

HELLO! YEEAAAHHHHH!

Welcome to This Week in Comics – Star Wars Style!

As mentioned last week, this week there are three books. First up is the new ongoing series, Bounty Hunters #1, telling stories of a band of bounty hunters in the time between Empire and Jedi. There is also the second issue in the ongoing Darth Vader (2020).

Then, there is the conclusion of the limited series The Rise of Kylo Ren (Issue #4 (of 4)), by Charles Soule, illustrated by Will Sliney. This review will be a summary/review of the entire 4 issue series.

SPOILER WARNING: This review/summary may contain spoilers for this issue, as well as any previously released Star Wars media (Films, TV Shows, Novels, Comics, Video Games) released to date, including #NotCanon. Also, this post may CONTAIN ADULT CONTENT!

Long Ago.

The Rise of Kylo Ren #1 (of 4)

“I am called Ren. But that is not my name” The issue opens with a mysterious masked figure. He wears a cape, but no shirt. His mask is non-descript. Silver with some red markings. No facial features to speak of. Chunks of flesh missing on his arms and torso.

He is crouched in front of two brothers. They are hiding from the battle around them. Seems that Secsec and the Knights of Ren have both been looking for these two.

“Ren” appears to be Force sensitive, what he calls “touch the shadow” and he believes that one of the brothers is, too.

The young man shows that he can. The offer to “follow” Ren, who responds, “You don’t follow me, friend, you follow this.” And he ignites a red lightsaber. “The Ren.”

“The Ren doesn’t stop to worry about what it’s burning or the right or wrong of it, or the goals it might achieve. The Ren just is. It lives, and it consumes, and it doesn’t apologize. It is its nature and nothing else.”

Ren believes in that principle on a deep, DEEP level. He grabs the blade with his other hand “SSSizzle” He has, in fact, dedicated his life to it.

The brother could have all this, too. All that is required is a death. When the brother proclaims he’s killed more people than he can count, Ren say, “No. A good death.” It is understood Ren means his brother. As the boy questions this, we see a blaster fire. The young man falls to the ground, his brother the one who fired the blaster. He wants out. Ren comments that he’s “got the attitude. I respect that.”

“But you can’t touch the shadow” and he leaps, lightsaber ignited and kills the other brother.

Now, the Knights of Ren are gathered, dead bodies everywhere, they’ve ended the battle.

“Didn’t work out?” one asks.

“No. If it was easy to join us, everyone would do it. The master will find us someone soon enough”

Now. The Jedi Temple of Luke Skywalker.

We see a burning temple, with Ben Solo looking over it. A starship arrives, carrying Hennix, a Quarren male, Voe, a human female, and Tai, a human male.

They get no readings. Just Ben. They approach him and ask where Master Luke is. Ben responds that Luke attacked him. Tried to kill him in is sleep. “Now he’s dead.” Voe exclaims that this can not be.

Ben replies “What? Don’t think I could do it? I’m stronger than the three of you combined. Skywalker made us act like we were equal, but we’re not. I was the prize student”

Tai tries to speak to Ben. Says it couldn’t be as bad as he says. Ben responds that he is leaving, and they should, too. Hennix and Voe ignite their lightsabers (Blue for Hennix, green for Voe) over Tai’s objection. They can talk this out.

Ben tells them “None of you are Jedi.”

They battle. Tai eventually ignites his blue lightsaber.

Ben tries to leave. The three take him on. Reaching out to the Force, Ben causes debris to fly everywhere away from him, injuring Hennix. He initially looks a little shocked, but he tells them as he walks away “I warned you.”

He then returns to his ship. The three follow.

Ben’s droid asks where they are headed. That he hasn’t entered a destination. He suggests Hosinan Prime, to return “home”

Just then, a dark voice says “It happened, did it not? We both thought it might. Skywalker feared you, your strength. He was always small” and we get Ben’s view of the event as we did in The Last Jedi.

We then see a bit more. Just before the temple explodes. Ben watches it happen, cries NO! and runs to try and save people. “I never… I didn’t want this.”

The voice responds “And you did not choose it, Ben. The Jedi did. Skywalker.

Ben tells his droid that they aren’t going home, they are going somewhere else.

On the ship of the three others. They try to figure out what happened, how Ben could do this. They debate if they should tell Leia. The resolve to try and get to Ben.

Elsewhere.

A holographic planet surrounded by metallic rings yet connected by what appear to be roots.

Ben approaches Snoke, his throne made of stone, surrounded by lush plant life. He is pleased Ben came to him. Ben tells Snoke he’s been thinking….

….about the Knights of Ren.

The Rise of Kylo Ren #2 (of 4)

Issue 2 picks up right where the last issue ended. Snoke speaking to Ben on this strange planet. Snoke implies that while Ben Solo might be interested in the Knights of Ren, they may not be interested in Ben Solo. Ben responds that he hates that name because it is the name of two legends. Feels everyone expects him to BE Obi-wan. They are interrupted by a droid alerting of an incoming transmission from General Hux. Snoke tells the droid that Hux will have to wait, he’s in the midst of an important conversation. Ben is intrigued. Who is this Hux? Snoke states that while he is not the most social person, he does have other friends. He then gets back on point. What is Ben’s true name, then, if not Ben Solo? Snoke says “I was not born Snoke, I became Snoke. Who will you become?” Snoke can sense what Ben is thinking and thinks that is good, very good.

Snoke tells Ben that when he is ready to be called by that name, when he actually kills that part of him, he will be read. Ben leaves the planet.

Years Earlier

We are on a starship. Inside, we have a young Ben Solo, Luke Skywalker, and Lor San Tekka (Lightsabers and wands up, and bells for Max von Sydow). They are looking for a lost Jedi Outpost that Lor has heard about, and he mentions that it is probably High Republic era. Young Ben is visited by the dark voice, showing that it has been with him a while.

They land at a temple on the planet Elphrona. There are some touching scenes with Luke encouraging Ben. They enter what turns out to be a treasure trove of artifacts, including a Jedi Holocron. Luke comments that it may be better than Jocasta Nu’s cache. Just then, both Ben and Luke sense…

Cold.

It is the Knights of Ren. Claiming ownership of all that is there. Luke tells then how wrong they are, that these belong to the Jedi Order, which right now means him. He is the Last Jedi, though not for long.

“Ren” from the last issue states they will show this “old fool” what they can do. Ben interrupts by yelling “This is Jedi Master Luke Skywalker. He is a LEGEND!”

“Ren” responds that the Knights of Ren are LEGENDARY and ignites his red lightsaber.

Luke tells Lor to take Ben. Ben asks “What about you? There are seven of them!”

Luke responds “Oh, I’ll be just fine.”

A fight ensues. Luke handles them handily. It is down to Luke and Ren. Ren tells Luke to come get the blade. He probably can, but that he just activated the kill switch. If it leaves his hand, it will blow everything away.

Ren says he thinks he’ll just take his men and leave. On his way out, he says to Luke “you said you could sense the shadow in all of us – that’s right. We’ve all got it. But you know your apprentice does too, right? Powerful. Can feel it. Better be careful, Jedi Man.”

He then takes off his mask. He questions Ben if he is sure this is the path for him. That there are other paths. As he leaves, he leaves his mask and tells Ben if he ever wants to learn more of the about the shadow, come look them up.

We then are in the “present” – in the same temple on Elphrona. Ben enters and picks up the helmet. He puts it on. The helmet speaks to Ben. “Hey kid. Was wondering if we’d ever hear from you again.” He then tells Ben to go to the Vanrak system.

As he takes the helmet off and is approached by the three padawans, telling him “you have nowhere left to run.”

The Rise of Kylo Ren #3 (of 4)

The Mid Rim. Varnak.

The Knights of Ren are at what appears to be a bar. In walks Ben Solo. The two talk. Ben is presented with the “good death” from Issue #1. Ben says he’s killed a Jedi. Not Luke Skywalker. Ren says maybe the boys would like to hear this story.

Most of this issue is the story of Ben and the other three. Voe “thought the Force was a contest she could win” – Hennix thought the Force “was a Puzzle” and Tai “was just Tai”

Ben is explaining who these people were to him. During the flashed to the fight, it is clear that Ben just wants to leave, but they, especially Voe, won’t let him. At one point, he screams “you think I’m a murderer, Voe? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT ME TO BE?” It looks like he kills Voe, but in actuality, it is Hennix. He then destroys the outpost.

Ren states that it was a death, but not a good death. Not good enough. Ben protests, but Ren says that he didn’t really want to kill him. But since Snoke vouched for him, they will let him spend some time with them. Maybe he’ll get that good death. But he needs some clothes. He looks like garbage, and the Knights of Ren have a reputation.

We then see Ben in an all-black getup.

We then return to the outpost. Voe and Tai force their way out. They vow to find Ben and end his path. Tai comments that he think’s Ben is already lost.

The Rise of Kylo Ren #4 (of 4)

Mid Rim. The Minemoon of Mimban

Ben, Ren and the Kinghts of Ren have a group of people on their knees. Ren is threatening to kill the leader if he won’t give him the information he desires. Ben stops him and says there could be another way. We see Ben reach out, causing the man great pain. It is the first time he’s done this.

Ben has obtained the information. Ren compliments the move. He then orders the Knights to “release them” Ben is shocked that they have killed them all. Ren says he did.

Ren expresses disappointment in Ben. Perhaps Snoke was wrong. Rai and Voe arrive. When asked who they are, Bn responds “The Past”

Tai tells Voe to go help the people while he takes on Ben. Ren goes on the attack, and Voe stops him. They fight. Meanwhile Ben and Tai are fighting. Ben explains that he has no choice. He is the son of the light and the dark. Tai explains that all paths have two directions. That it’s never too late, there is always hope. Ren and the knights are having a tough time defeating Voe.

Ben and Tai eventually are over a lava pool. Tai pleads with Ben. “Be who you---” and his neck is snapped – by Ren. He once again states that Snoke was wrong about Ben. They have the following exchange.

Ben “You killed Tai”

Ren “I sure did. Snoke was completely wrong about you. You’re fighting this every step of the way.”

Ben “You think so?”

Ren “You don’t want to live in the shadow.”

Ben “True” uses the Force to pick up Tai’s lightsaber. “I am the Shadow”

They fight. The Dark Voice returns “Now you will be who you are. Who you were always meant to be” and it appears to be Palpatine.

The fight continues. Ren saying Ben thinks he’s special. Ben responds that, no, it is everyone else who thought he was. This is a great double page spread. I’ll include it as the image from this issue.

Ben finally understands what Ren meant. “Here’s your good death!” and he kills Ren.

Then, he finds Voe. She says, “you killed the master.” Ben responds “of course I did. I’m a murderer, remember?” and kills her with Ren’s lightsaber. The Knights then all kneel around him.

We then see a shirtless Ben crafting a new lightsaber. He takes the blue crystal, clutches it in his hand, and with a raged strain, fractures it and it “bleeds”

He places it in the saber, and it is wild. It is coming out in odd places. He has an idea. He adds the now iconic hilt. He ignites the saber. The Dark Voice says, “What is your name?”

END

Master Shast LeLow’s Thoughts

This was, overall, a good mini-series. Similar in the tone of the inner voice/conflict of the current Vader run. A good back story that still leaves plenty of room for further expansion. The final issue was exciting, and had some real stunning visuals.

I want to point out that this is the second mention of High Republic that I have come across in my re-reads for these reviews (the other was in the Star Wars title). It’s cool to note, because these issues came out before they announced what Project Luminos was.

When Ren first removes his helmet in issue #2, I originally wrote this. “He looks exactly like an older Ben, with grey hair.” – but I can’t find any corroboration online that this was intentional. In Issue #3 when they are together, they don’t look the same. So maybe it’s just me. Would be curious to hear from others who’ve read it.

‘Til the Spires, and May the Force be with you!

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missmentelle · 5 years

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I feel really stuck. I'm trying to move fowards but something always comes up. I still live with my family and I have no privacy and have to explain where I’m going and what I'm doing all the time. I really want to get back at uni and I’m trying but that means no time to get a job and won’t be able to move. I can’t stand the city anymore, i can’t stand being so useless. I feel like I haven’t lived at all, i’ve never been in a relationship, haven’t travelled, how do i take control of my life?

It’s tough to make a step-by-step guide or action plan for getting your life together when I don’t really have a ton of information about your goals or financial situation, but I will give it my best shot:

Go easy on yourself. While there are some people out there in this world who manage to be world-travelling Instagram stars, planning their dream weddings and moving up in their glamorous careers at age 25, those people are very few and far between. Many of them come from incredibly privileged backgrounds or have the types of parental support that most of us can only dream of. Being unworldly, directionless and living at home with your parents is the normal 20-something experience. What you’re going through is common. You feel like you haven’t lived yet because your life has barely begun; you haven’t fallen behind, you and your peers are still on the starting line. You have a lot of time ahead of you, and it’s important to be kind to yourself, and to be realistic about the progress you’ll make. You aren’t going to go from being broke in your childhood bedroom to being a high-flying career person with a spouse and a ritzy apartment overnight. Be gentle, and don’t beat yourself up for being young and inexperienced - you have a long journey ahead of you, and you’ll need to save your emotional strength to make it through.

Focus on finishing university. At this point in your life, I think your top priority needs to be finishing your degree as quickly as possible, even if it requires some short term sacrifices. I know that your living situation is irritating and that you are tired of not having privacy, but if you can tolerate your parents and your city for a little while longer and keep going to school while living at home, you’re potentially setting yourself up for a huge advantage in life by completing your degree with minimal debt. The problem with putting off university to get a job and move out is that once you’ve taken on financial responsibilities like rent and bills, it will be a lot more difficult to find the time, resources and motivation to go back to being a student, and your options will be limited for moving into a higher paying job. It’s very easy to get yourself stuck in a vicious cycle of living paycheque-to-paycheque in a low wage job, and not being able to improve your situation because you can’t afford to quit your job and go back to school - my high school friends are in their mid-to-late 20s now, and many of them are now stuck in retail or service industry jobs because it’s difficult for them to give up their source of income and return to school, especially now that some of them have kids or partners. A degree is not a guarantee of a good job, but it’s certainly a mandatory minimum requirement for most opportunities now, and it opens up possibilities like grad school or law school; the sooner you get it out of the way, the sooner you can start building a career, gaining independence and saving up money for travel. University is also a valuable social resource - by getting involved on campus, you can start making meaningful friendships, meeting potential partners, and building useful connections.

Try new things. One of the keys to living an interesting life and gaining valuable experiences is to actively try new things. It’s hard to gain life experiences by doing the same things over and over again. Challenge yourself to do at least one new thing per month. You don’t necessarily have to like it - you just have to try it. Sign up to volunteer somewhere new. Take a zumba class. Sign up for a new dating app. Write a short story. Change your hair. Start a blog. Go to a restaurant you’ve never been to. Join a local D&D group. You might be surprised by what you end up liking. I ended up in my current career because I took a psych elective to fulfill the social science requirement of my computer science program - sometimes trying something new can lead you down a whole new path you never imagined. It’s also a great way to meet new people that you might never otherwise have met. If you’re feeling like your life is in a rut, new experiences are a great and easy way to un-rut yourself.

Have side projects and goals. It’s easy to feel like your life isn’t going anywhere when you don’t have any way to measure your progress. Even while you’re stuck living at your parents’ house, there are ways to keep moving forward with your life. Always have a project or hobby or goal in your life that you can work on. The possibilities are pretty much endless - you could work on your physical fitness, an artistic project, knitting, improving your cooking, journalling, photography, restoring furniture, learning a language, playing an instrument, etc. Anything that captures your attention. Set small, manageable goals and track your progress. Feeling like you are improving in one area of your life can go a long way to calming your jitters when you are feeling stuck in other areas of your life.

Don’t rush into a relationship or “settle”. It’s hard to predict where or when you’ll get into your first relationship - you might meet your first partner next week or five years from now. Some people meet the love of their life on Tinder within weeks of signing up, some people use dating apps for months without success. All you can really do is put yourself out there, keep working on yourself as a person, and see what happens. The one thing I will advise, though, is that you be cautious of settling for the first person who comes along. If you’ve never been in a relationship and you really want to be in one, it can be tempting to rush headfirst into a relationship with the first promising person you meet - especially if you’ve had to watch your other friends be in long-term relationships for a while now. If you meet someone who seems great, it can be easy to get very serious, very fast, and rush straight to “let’s move in together”, especially when you are already looking for a way to get out of your family’s house. Don’t rush. It’s okay to be disappointed that you haven’t had a relationship yet, but remember that a relationship should be something you get into because you truly want to be with the other person, and not just because you want to check “dating” off your list of adult milestones. If you meet someone, that’s fantastic, but remember that it’s okay to take things slow - if this is really the person for you, they will still be there six months or a year or two years from now. Getting too serious with someone too quickly can mean missing some glaring red flags, and tying yourself financially to someone you haven’t been dating very long can be a recipe for unwanted stress.

Remember that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. It’s easy to blame your problems on the city you live in. The world is full of people saying that everything would be better if they could just get out of this town. Thousands of people dream about moving to NYC, and there are thousands of people walking around NYC who dream of getting the fuck out of here. No matter where you live, there is someone who dreams of moving there, and no matter where you want to go, there is someone there who is desperate to leave. No place is perfect - every place has its perks and its downsides (for instance, NYC has lots of things to do, but every square inch of this place smells like stale urine and hot dog water). Unless you are making a drastic change in setting - like from rural to urban, or from one country to another - you’re going to find that most places have very similar problems; high rents, rising cost of living, too much competition for jobs, bad dating scenes, overcrowded public transit, crumbling infrastructure, etc, etc. There might be legitimate reasons to want to leave your current location - you live in a dying small town, the climate where you live is affecting your health, you want to work in an industry that only exists in a specific location - but it’s important to keep in mind that location isn’t everything, and you can still make progress in your life while living somewhere that you don’t necessarily love or want to stay in.

I can relate a lot to what you’re going through - while most of my friends moved out on their own right after high school and started what I thought were glamorous adult lives, I lived at home with my incredibly overbearing parents for four years and took the bus back and forth to a sensible, commuter campus university in a city that I didn’t like. I had friends and I did my best to make the most of my time in college, but part of me felt like I was being denied the formative experiences that other people were having - moving in with their partners, getting an off-campus apartment with roommates, partying all night and not having to answer to their parents, and so on. After graduating, though, I was able to find a full-time job in my field earning more than double the minimum wage, and I moved into an apartment with my best-friend-turned-boyfriend. The money I had saved by living at home during university allowed me to go after my dreams of attending grad school in NYC, and that decision led me to all kind of experiences I never expected to have and friends I never expected to meet. At 26, my life isn’t perfect, but it’s definitely well beyond what I expected when I was a frustrated 21-year-old commuting to school and having my mother constantly ask when I’d be home. Change takes time, and your 20s are tough. Have patience, and keep doing the best you can.

Best of luck to you!

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dat-fandom-losertown · 5 years

Text

Cat Out of the Bag

•◊•◊•◊•◊•

Chapter 1: Prologue & The Encounter

•◊•◊•◊•◊•

Neko!Hank Anderson x Artist/Author!Connor

Genre: Angst, Fluff

Warnings: Swearing (assume this’ll be in all future chapters as well lol), A tad of Violence, Panic attack similar to my own, Blood/Injury Mention

Word Count: 9,453 (I have no clue how to write short chapters/fics lol)

•◊•◊•◊•◊•

Synopsis:

“I ain’t some starvin’, twink cat that you can just bring home and teach how to trust and love or whatever the fuck else books try to say. Hell, I’m not even a Persian or Maine Coon cat with those bushy, pale tails like people always love to give us bears. I’m just an old, fat calico.”

“I personally don’t agree with the stereotypes as well. But as I offered before, you’re always welcome to leave. The front door is right there, I’m not keeping you trapped here... If you wanted to stay, though, I can make you breakfast? You can watch me make your breakfast, or you can make it yourself if you want.”

•◊•◊•◊•◊•

~> Next

•◊•◊•◊•◊•

Growing up, Connor was always stuck in the worlds he fabricated in his mind, and he wasn’t ashamed of it like his family tried to tell him to be. Even when he would introduce himself to people since middle school, he would always say his name then state that he had an uncontrollably active imagination, and if they ever are speaking to him and he doesn’t appear to be actively listening that they should try to not be offended. He just simply found inspiration and was committing whatever it was to memory to come back to later, or has laid out a simple plot to follow along later. He really meant no harm or disrespect to them.

Let’s just say that, among the school’s nerds, jocks, or other cliques, “Crazy Connor” did not fit into any social group, and regularly gained more bullies than friends. He never minded too much, though. He always lived vicariously through his character’s lives which he created, and they always had plenty of friends and allies they could turn to when in trouble. That’s all he needed, or at least, that’s what he always convinced himself so he wouldn’t become swallowed by loneliness.

By his first year in high school, he wrote an entire book, and by the end of his first year, he wrote another, longer one. For his second year in high school, he was “gently persuaded” into taking an art class for whatever reason the school offered (he wasn’t listening on purpose that time), and he discovered he had a natural gift in the subject. With the encouragement of his art teacher and his one and only friend, Markus, he started posting his artworks on a blog he created just for this purpose, that way he didn’t flood his normal social medias with the unusual content. Soon after, he bought himself the equipment to start doing digital art and quickly switched to that for any piece that wasn’t a graded assignment.

By the end of Connor’s second year, an online social media influencer found the one fanart of them he made– and his blog and all of his other works by extension– by pure chance. After some talking and interactions, they asked if they could commission him to do a small line of t-shirt merch designs. Of course, Connor said yes. They loved it, and so did the customers and fans who looked at and bought the t-shirts. He still knows to this day that he is more than extremely lucky to have had this chance.

After designing the merch, his art blog started gaining more attention, and by christmas break of his third year in high school, he was making more money each month than any student he knew with a job. He got donations from very generous people just for sharing his art and little comic scenes, and he regularly got commissions from people, and was even asked to create pin and more t-shirt designs for that same online influencer. Connor never gave up writing, however, he simply never posted it anywhere public. Although, as soon as he turned 18 early in his Senior year, he immediately self-published the first book he wrote after doing some heavy editing (it was an actual cringefest trying to read through it), and made it well known on his blog that more were coming in the somewhat-near future.

It didn’t do too well, to say the least. A world where nekojins and inujins don’t exist, especially for the sake of not making certain things in the plot happen conveniently and provide crude or perverted humor? It doesn’t fly for most people. He didn’t give up, though, of course not. He expected this book to not do well at all, so he wasn’t put off in the slightest. He self-published his next book during his final new year’s break of high school, which ended up doing much better than his first, considering it was a fantasy adventure genre and had a nekojin as one of the main characters. Looking back on it now, this is probably where his career in writing first started.

Up until this point, Connor was convinced he’d be stuck at a nine-to-five office job for his entire life, since he couldn’t see himself doing what he loved due to the lack of publisher and author connections and, as much as he loves art, that’s not where his true passion lies. He knew that he’d eventually get burnt out if it were his job and only source of income. Although, he also couldn’t imagine doing something he actively disliked because he would rather rip his hair out than be an accountant or anything of the sort like what his family wanted. However, this second book made him realise that it could be possible to do what he wanted full time.

As Connor very soon found out, nekojins and inujins weren’t popularly a main character in books or any media for that matter, and if they were, the book almost always had a forbidden love type of plot or the partial-human was a slave of some sort of one of the other main characters. The fact that Connor, a high schooler, wrote a book with a kick-ass nekojin who gives no fucks and takes no shits as a main character with a pure human lover/sidekick was decidedly open minded and extremely controversial.

At one point, an encounter with a reporter brought up the question of how he found the courage to make such a bold statement. Connor felt somewhat guilty when he admitted that this story idea had just been in his head for so long and it just had a bad-ass nekojin as the main character. He put no thought into what people would think about it or what kind of statement it could possibly give. It’s just what the story always was, so he made it how it is. Simple as that.

And apparently that was an open minded answer. The fact that he hadn’t even thought about what the public might think and didn’t care whatsoever that the main character was a nekojin proved that in his head was a world that easily existed where partial humans and pure humans lived in perfect equality. The writers of those articles weren’t exactly wrong, but Connor still didn’t like how every single one of his artworks and writing pieces were soon heavily criticized and people looked far more into them than even Connor himself thought was possible. It was almost intriguing how people could pull such in-depth ideas and conspiracies from works that were made simply because he thought “Oh, this kind of pose looks cool for this character” and “Wow, these colors look cool with it so we’ll smash them together like this” and “Ta Da! I did it! I made a thing! Look guys!”.

By the time he graduated, he was in the midst of self-publishing a third book that Connor carefully picked because the story line didn’t have anything blatantly controversial in it. His fourth or fifth ones didn’t have anything especially attention-grabbing in them either. Although, that’s just how he planned them in his head. Yes, he did have other titles deemed more risky and controversial, but he didn’t release them only because he didn’t want that kind of attention on him again yet. Eventually, all the controversy surrounding Connor had died down once people began realising that such a large statement from him was likely going to be a one time deal. All that was left behind from the ordeal was a sudden spike in interest and income from the people who found his work because of the fuss.

Yes, he hated that partial human slavery still existed, and no, he never planned on getting one of his own and helping the economy of those types of businesses, but he couldn’t gather the bravery needed to make any grand statements on his blog and march along with the groups of people trying to make things equal. He had morals and human decency, but they apparently didn’t run deep enough to make him less terrified of the mass of negative attention he once faced, so he supported the protesters in spirit for doing what he can’t with minor guilt.

He still feels that way even now at 32 years old. He’s lucky enough to no longer be a starving artist, and he moved out of Markus’ and Simon’s shared apartment to live on his own a couple years ago. He still mainly does digital pieces when creating art, but he took inspiration from Markus and his father and started using different types of traditional medias again. Although, somewhere down the line, art stopped being the larger source of his income, and started being extra cash he put into savings and funding for larger luxury items– such as trips across America for more experiences that he could use in his art and books.

He no longer has to self-publish anymore, yet he still occasionally does under an alias when his agent, a good friend of his by the name Luther, wants him to change too many aspects of a book to make it more commercialized. He has told Connor in the past that he comes up with other manuscripts to pitch quickly compared to the other writers he works with, so he doesn’t worry too often about Connor self-publishing something he didn’t accept. He understands that, to Connor, these aren’t just books, these are tiny pieces of himself in written form. Though, Luther always goes into detail about what parts he doesn’t like and why because there are times where Connor decides that the world in his head would be made better with the changes Luther wanted.

Connor is currently heading home after one of said moments. He just got done with a meeting to pitch his next potential book, and Luther had suggested that he change the time travel portion in it to make it a trilogy and expand on some character’s backstory and development. Connor, not understanding why he hadn’t written a series of any kind yet, since most of his books are rather long, quickly and happily agreed to go home and edit large chunks of it to make it work.

He wonders if he can somehow convince Luther or the publishing company to hold off on publishing the books until all three are completed. Connor hates waiting months for sequels and much prefers having all of the books in a series so he can binge them, and he knows that he’s far from the only one who feels this way. They probably won’t stall until all 3 books are fully completed, though. He’ll just have to somehow work quicker than usual without getting burnt out, or pitch a different book from his list of ideas to work on in the meantime.

Connor blinks out of his head to pause and take in the scenery around him. Connor’s lucky to live in a more suburban area. He’s always been an extremely light sleeper, so he could never get much rest when he lived in the city with his family. The nearest area like that is just far enough away that the only evidence of it being there are the skyscrapers in the distance and the fact there are precisely 14 stars on a clear night sky, and on the nights that aren’t clear, the clouds over the downtown area have an enchanting glow to them.

In the area Connor lives in now, most of the roads are all one lane per direction, with the exception of the main roads with the stores and sloppy grids of traffic lights. This is where Connor is right now, walking along the strangely empty sidewalk. He lives in one of the apartment buildings in the area, and the rumble of cars and occasional shrieks of emergency vehicles are enough to make him want to move back to Markus’ quieter area, despite there still being five more months left on his two-year lease. Looking off to the side where his apartment building should be, Connor decides that he should start hunting for other apartments if he really wants to move somewhere else.

Connor pulls out his phone to take a picture of the serene scene he’s just been greeted by. The setting sun casting the sky in a brilliantly beautiful gradient of rich orange and gold. He has to shove the small sense of guilt away for thinking something that air pollution has caused is gorgeous, because that’s exactly what it is. The small trees that are planted in the middle of the wide sidewalk on the other side of the road look like a black void is trying to rip and glitch its way into swallowing the sky whole, yet is always coming up short. The road he walks along is empty for now due to the traffic light glowing red behind him, which gives him a chance to get an unobscured picture.

This is the perfect scene to paint back at home. Maybe it’s just the thing to finally get him out of his art block.

Connor quickly snaps several pictures at varying levels of brightness and contrast before the light turns green. He quickly puts his phone away and continues on his way home. Honestly, Connor should have taken an Uber or something instead of walking, but he isn’t regretting it quite yet. He probably will in a few minutes, though, when the only light will be from the moon and the occasional street light. He supposes he can always call an Uber now, but he’s currently only a fifteen minute walk away from his apartment complex if he doesn’t take the shortcut through the trees, closer to ten minutes if he does.

Besides, the air is nice and cool for once, if not a bit on the humid side– but that’s just what happens when you live along the east coast, you get non-stop humid air. On top of the air being nice, Connor really needs to get more of it from outside, rather than the stale air inside. The last time he left his apartment (besides hopping into his car for grocery, work, or mail related journeys) was probably a little under a year ago, maybe a little over. Sure, once in a while he’ll open his windows, but that isn’t the same as being outside, feeling the sun on his skin and slight breeze in his hair.

Huh, that could make a cool land in his series. A place where no matter where a person stands within the small civilization, there is always wind to be felt. They could remain protected and unspotted with the use of a force field of sorts that spreads itself over the town. Maybe that could be because they are a true neutral civilization and don’t want any part in the war–

A thud of something hitting metal immediately followed by a quiet groan of pain interrupts Connor’s wandering train of thought. He probably wouldn’t have even heard it if he hadn’t retained his habit of somehow being alert to his surroundings while zoned out from back when he was in school. He doesn’t even know where the painful sounds came from, but that doesn’t matter because he wouldn’t just jump in to other people’s problems. What if there isn’t anything happening at all and that was just someone who tripped and fell?

So he checks the time (for evidence purposes, just in case) and keeps walking straight, hyper aware of every little movement and sound around him, yet never turning his head. That is, until he jumps at the abrupt sound of sharp laughter coming from behind the boutique that’s closed for the night.

“The fucker’s weak and already passing out! Who would’ve guessed! Ha!” a nasally voice taunts. Connor freezes against both his will and better judgement.

“Should we call some place to pick ‘im up? We could get some extra cash?” a woman asks.

“Hell no!” a masculine voice shouts, “Who the hell do you think would want an old, fat neko like him, anyway. We’d be doing everyone a favor by just killing it.”

That gets Connor moving silently into the narrow alley towards the voices. He may be socially awkward and loathe conflict, but he grew up training in different types of combat and self-defense. If someone’s life is in danger, he damn sure will fight, and as long as none of these people have a gun, he will win.

“Uh, I didn’t fuckin’ sign up for murder.” the nasally voice says uneasily, “I just wanted to go out and have a good time.”

“Ugh, it’s not like we’d get caught. And even if we did for some reason, we would get a slap on the wrist at most.”

“Are you actually that fuckin’ stupid, Damien?” the woman snaps. “If we kill him, that will be seen as worse than killing an animal. Even I’m not stupid enough to think that we’d get away with something that in a place out in the open like this. Someone’s gonna have to take out trash, and evidence of us being here is everywhere.”

Connor finally lets himself fall still, ceasing his silent shuffling towards the corner. He presses against the wall in hopes to lower the chances of being spotted, and promptly rests his back on something sticky. He jumps forward just slightly, but not enough to be seen.

“What was that?” the first guy asks.

But is apparently loud enough to be heard.

Connor braces himself for a fight, tensing up and getting into position–

“Dude, you’re being paranoid. Let’s just get the fuck out of here. I’m bored, anyway, and getting eaten alive by mosquitoes.” The supposed ringleader persuades, his boots thumping on the concrete as he walks away. Connor lets himself relax, thankful that nothing more is going to happen for now.

“Same. C’mon.” The woman starts following him if the sound of clacking heels is anything to go by.

There’s a relieved sigh, then one last set of footsteps walking away. Luckily, based off of the sounds of scuffling and skateboards from around the corner, there’s another way to get in and out of that place besides the one Connor is hiding in. He stays completely still and silent for several minutes after they’re gone, just to make sure they won’t come back. When he finally feels that it’s safe enough to look at the time on his phone, only twelve minutes have passed since he last checked it.

Taking a deep breath, he moves himself out of his hiding place. He spots the large nekojin laying against a dumpster in the alley and can immediately tell that the 911 emergency responders won’t do much, if anything, for him because there’s no collar around his neck and no obvious lethal wounds. The poor guy’s got blood in his hair, which is grey with age, and there’s a bit of blood on the ground and dumpster where he was presumably knocked down. His wrist is also zip tied to the back handle of the dumpster, so his arm is raised high above his head and Connor can see where the zip tie is digging into his skin. He watches as the man takes a small breath with a small sigh of relief.

That seems to make something in Connor click, because he’s suddenly dropping to his knees to check for any less obvious injuries. First thing’s first, Connor removes the zip tie from the man’s wrist by jamming his fingernail between the latch and tail slowly undoing the loop. He carefully puts the man’s arm down by his side. Connor only knows so much about first aid and injuries from past, admittedly extensive research for his books and comic scenes, but he does remember how to spot the signs of various broken bones. He also knows that won’t be enough to make sure he’s actually okay.

Therefore, he yanks his phone out of his pocket and texts his friend, Kara, who is some kind of doctor, hoping that she’ll be kind enough to come and look this guy over herself. It’s not like Connor wouldn’t pay her for her expertise, after all.

Connor Child Today at 19:28 (7:28)

Hey, are you busy right now?

Connor doesn’t even have time to repocket his phone before it vibrates in his hand. She mustn't be busy, if she responded so quickly.

Best Mom Friend Today at 19:28 (7:28)

i’m free. what’s up

Connor Child Today at 19:29 (7:29)

You know how you’re a doctor? Are you, like, a general doctor, or are you specialized in something? And is there a difference between pure and partial humans medically/biologically?

Best Mom Friend Today at 19:30 (7:30)

We’ll call it a general one. and no there aren’t major differences besides the tail and ears and heightened senses and all that jazz.

weren’t you just with luther? what happened?

Connor Child Today at 19:20 (7:30)

I was, but I found an injured Nekojin that was beat up by these three assholes while walking home. It doesn’t look life threatening, but I’m not a doctor and I also have no way of getting him to my place.

When Kara doesn’t respond immediately, Connor carefully lifts up the large man’s shirt, carefully avoiding touching his white, tan, and black blotched tail that’s draped protectively across his chest before he passed out. He notes that there’s a lot of bruising, which could mean a few things, some worse than others. He’s taking even breaths instead of short, sporadic ones, though, which could be a good sign. After checking a few other things tenderly and carefully, Connor decides that it’s probably okay to carefully lay the stranger down so he can check his back.

It’s immediately apparent that they jumped him from behind. The entire back of his shirt has blood all over it, and some blood on the wall and dumpster where he was leaned against them. After a solid twenty seconds of processing what he’s seeing and choosing what to do about this first, Connor finally forces himself to tenderly lift the back of his shirt up. He notices that none of the cuts should be deep enough to do any lasting damage beyond scars. He doesn’t even think blood loss should be a problem, since the blood wasn’t even visible for the most part until he was rolled over. That doesn’t account for any possible internal bleeding though, and for the fact that Connor still isn’t a doctor.

At that thought, Kara finally messages back with perfect timing.

Best Mom Friend Today at 19:34 (7:34)

first of all, where are you?

second of all, you shouldn’t bring strangers into your home.

third of all, you should take him to a hospital anyway.

Connor cringes at his phone at the last suggestion, then begins typing.

Connor Child Today at 19:35 (7:35)

We both know he won’t get proper care at a hospital, especially since he doesn’t appear to have a collar or a way of contacting someone who will pay off the debt for the stay. Also, I’ve already thought about every other option besides bringing him to a hospital and they all end with him getting abandoned and/or hurt again out here. I don’t wanna leave him like that.

It’s then that Connor realizes that he likely has most of the things needed to take care of these types of injuries at home in his jumbo first aid kit. Markus bought it for him on his birthday as a jab at how clumsy he is, but it’s come in handy multiple times since then and none of his friends let it die.

Connor Child Today at 19:36 (7:36)

Besides, I think I have everything needed to clean him up at my apartment, I’m just not sure about any internal injuries or how to move him.

Oh god damn it, apparently Connor’s going to be one of the dumbasses who brings injured strangers back home. He can’t just leave him out here and he can’t trust anyone else in this area– state, even– to not abuse this guy as soon as Connor is out of sight, though. He gently feels around the stranger’s head, carefully avoiding his tan and black ears, for any obvious injuries as he works things out in his head.

Maybe he can call Markus to come over to help keep watch just in case? No, he and Simon are out in New York on vacation until Monday, and today’s Thursday. He can’t ask Carl or Luther to come over, since Carl is old and wheelchair bound and, as well as Luther can act and despite his massive size, he does much worse with conflict than Connor does. He’d be on edge from being around a wild card for the night, then stressed for days after. Connor knows Kara would come help him out, but she doesn’t get enough sleep as it is, with the weird hospital hours and helping with taking care of Alice. She doesn’t need to be more involved in this than she already is, anyways.

This is either going to end surprisingly well or very badly, and Connor has a feeling of which it’s going to be. That is decidedly not a good sign, but Connor elects to ignore it anyway.

Connor finds a rather large knot on the right side of the man’s head where the majority of the blood in his hair is, which is probably the same injury that pretty much knocked him out in the first place. He doesn’t even know if there’s a way to check for concussions when the person is unconscious.

His phone finally pings an alert for a new message.

Best Mom Friend Today at 19:37 (7:37)

fine, you win. tell me where you are and i’ll bring you guys to your place. who’s staying with you, cause it isn’t going to be me or luther.

Connor Child Today at 19:37 (7:37)

Thank you so much!! I’m at the boutique near my apartment complex! And I have a friend that I’m going to message!

You’re the best!!

Connor rolls the stranger into what he hopes is a more comfortable position, then finds a place where he’ll be able to watch the parallel parking lanes in front of the boutique and the unconscious nekojin at the same time. His phone chimes again, and he doesn’t bother opening it for the simple three letter in the message notification.

Best Mom Friend Today at 19:41 (7:41)

Omw

With that taken care of, all there is left to do is wait for Kara. He moves and sits down in his spot, and just a bit over ten minutes later, she pulls up. Connor glances back at the old stranger, making sure he won’t die or something in his absence, then quickly steps out of the alley so Kara will see him. She does and parks her blue SUV in the spot closest to where Connor is waiting.

“Kara! You’re a lifesaver, really!” he calls after Kara steps out of her car.

“I know, I know,” She shuts the door behind her, “Where’s the guy?”

“He’s back here. I didn’t want to move him too much.”

She nods in approval and silently follows him to the old nekojin, then starts looking over his wounds. She decides that the cuts on his back aren’t as bad as they could be and the bleeding has already slowed down a bit. At her request, Connor retells everything he knows. After a few more minutes of checking, she states that the stranger no doubt has a concussion and will need plenty of rest and another check up once he’s awake. Thankfully, she doesn’t think his wrist is dislocated or fractured or anything, and his ribs seem fine. Together, they carefully lift the unconscious man into the back of the SUV, and Connor climbs in the back to sit with him.

They reach Connor’s apartment complex in just over two minutes (he swears he isn’t staring at the clock in the car), then fight to awkwardly lift the man out of the car and up the flight of stairs to Connor’s apartment. Once inside, they lay him on the bed in the guest room. Kara makes a comment about the sheets not making it through unscathed, but Connor disregards her with an obvious lie about needing new sheets anyway.

Kara then washes the man’s back and arms then carefully tends to his plentiful superficial wounds with Connor’s help, since there was apparently glass in some of his cuts. By the time they’re finished with that and the man has a light blanket draped over him, a couple of hours have gone by. Kara leaves once Connor promises (lies) that the person he texted about staying over will be on their way very soon and isn’t there now because they have a shift at the grocery store.

Now that Connor is completely alone and is starting to feel the nerves from having a large, presumably strong stranger unconscious in his home, he doesn’t quite know what to do. Normally when things get stressful or unusual, he’d write a short story depicting a character going through something that would make them just as uncomfortable and stressed as he is and post it on his Patreon, but he doesn’t want the click-clacking of his keyboard to mask any noises that the man might make.

After a bit of thinking and standing around, he decides to paint the sunset he took a picture of earlier.

He goes down the short hallway that connects his room, laundry room, and bathroom to the rest of the apartment. He opens the closet on the right side of the room and grabs a canvas and various paints and brushes. Going back out to the area of life, as Connor calls it (since the kitchen, dining room, and living room are all one large area, with the living room sectioned off by couches and the kitchen by a counter island and tiles on the ground), he sets up his stuff on his small, square table. He makes sure he’s facing the doors to his and the guest rooms with his back to the front door and the sliding door to his balcony/patio thing.

He pauses in his painting every 45 minutes to an hour so he can check on the nekojin. When the sun finally rises in the morning, Connor’s finished two sellable paintings and is starting a third. He has officially reached the level of exhaustion where he no longer feels tired as long as he ignores the pressure behind his eyes and the headache starting to form. Sometimes his insomnia-like-symptoms flare up until he gets to this point, so he isn’t worried.

After checking on the man yet again, Connor decides to fix a breakfast sandwich using his near-expired bacon and a tube of premade biscuits. He makes enough eggs and bacon for only one person, not knowing when the nekojin will wake up and if he even eats eggs or meat.

He’s in the middle of putting his food on a plate when there’s a slight and distant creak. If he were alone, Connor would have been able to convince himself that it was the building settling or something of the like, but he isn’t. He quickly turns around and is relieved to see nothing behind him. He hastily scoops the last bit of eggs onto his plate before cautiously walking through the living area towards the guest room. He pauses right at the door and listens for movement, just in case the man woke up and is trying to do something stupid and/or dangerous.

Connor may be trained in various types of combat and self defense, but he’s not stupid enough to think that makes him invincible. Especially against someone who is as large as that man was, and that’s excluding the chances that this stranger has training in some kind of combat as well.

After a couple of seconds of complete silence, Connor hesitantly opens the door just wide enough to slowly peek half of his head through. He immediately sees that the man is no longer in his bed. He’s barely able to open the door wider to step inside before a heavy weight barrels into him from the side. Next thing he knows, he’s pinned to the wall by a furious nekojin, with his ears pinned to his head and fangs sharp as needles. It’s already getting hard to breathe and Connor, as predicted, can’t move the arm that’s pushed against his throat. Trying to move his right arm and both legs is useless because the man also has them pinned enough to where he can’t make any effective attacks on him.

He must have some kind of training in combat as well, or has learned from personal experience. Connor is completely screwed if this man decides he is too much of a threat or isn’t worth his time.

“Cause any trouble and I make your life painful, ya hear?” the man snarls lowly, and if Connor wasn’t already used to being pinned against walls and threatened, he’d probably be panicking right now. Connor rapidly nods as calmly as he can (which isn’t nearly calm enough) while being in this situation. “Who the fuck are you?”

“Connor” he rasps painfully, “I’m– no harm. Please–”

The older man hisses, and it sounds nothing like when cats do it. When cats hiss, it almost sounds like an air leakage from a pipe; high pitched and more breathy than anything. This hiss, though, is not unlike what demons sound like in horror movies. It’s lower and almost growlish and absolutely terrifying enough to make up for the lack of a small, agile body.

It shuts Connor up to say the absolute least.

“Where the fuck did you bring me?”

“My–” Connor coughs and gasps painfully, “apartment.” That must have been the wrong answer because the pressure on his throat increases. Since moving the arm is impossible, he starts patting it to try to signal the stranger that he really needs air.

“I can fuckin’ see that, dumbass. I meant where the fuck is this place?”

“Not– far, fr-from… alley…” Huh, so the darkness not only invades from the sides of your vision, but the focus of it also dims too. And nobody ever mentioned in the books he read about how much pressure is building in his head right now, like it’s going to explode soon. Aw great, now he’s starting to mildly dissociate. Just what he needs.

The nekojin is trying to say something to him, but the only things he can make out clearly from the sudden white noise are “you”, “better”, and “punk”. Connor doesn’t want to agree to something preposterous, but he also doesn’t want to try to ask for clarification or anything like that and make the man angrier. He suddenly has a fleeting thought of dying here, and his mind just as suddenly latches onto it and won’t let go. God he’s so fucking stupid. He knew this was a horrible idea, and he still fucking did it. Why doesn’t he ever listen to anyone?

Just as Connor tries to reach his left arm up to damage the man’s face somehow and force him to let go, he’s abruptly released.

Connor barely avoids dropping to the ground and instead leans against the wall because his legs want to function more like jelly than anything remotely solid. He coughs and gasps but locks his knees so he’s less likely to fall over into a more defenseless position. He distantly recognizes that the nekojin is trying to talk to him again, but he’s too preoccupied with getting air into his lungs and not falling over to even try to decipher it. Thankfully, whatever he said apparently wasn’t super important because nothing happens when Connor doesn’t give any kind of response, and nothing continues to happen until he’s breathing normally and standing up on his own again.

“You said I wasn’t far from the alley,” the nekojin spits out, “How close is it?”

Connor blinks the tears from his eyes. “Five minute walk, maybe.” he answers quietly, throat hurting.

“Where are your roommates?”

“Don’t have any.”

“You live completely alone?” he asks, an eyebrow raised in suspicion.

Connor silently nods.

“Why’d you bring me here? Think you could tame some fuckin’ stray to be your personal pet? ‘Cause you’re very wrong.” he ends in a growl. It sends shivers up Connor’s spine and he can feel the sweat on him beading and rolling down. If this comes to blows again, there’s no way Connor will be able to win, especially not like this.

“No. You’re hurt.” he says more sure, finally lifting his head to meet the other’s eyes.

“You honestly expect me to believe that you brought an old, stray nekojin home just because he was a little hurt?”

Connor nods. “Didn’t know if you were bleeding out or not–”

He shuts his mouth with a click and braces himself for another attack when he sees the stranger move. It’s barely a shift to the side, but it’s enough to send Connor back into highest alert. The guy must realise this because he shifts backward a step.

“What do you get outta patchin’ me up?”

“...technically nothing?”

“No one does anything without any reward, so fuckin’ spill it.” he spits.

“A clear conscious, maybe?” There’s no bite in his words, only the underlying fear of giving the wrong answer. When the older man doesn’t immediately shoot another question, Connor continues. “Look, I just don’t like it when people’re in pain. I wanted to help, so I did.”

“People.” When Connor stares blankly in return, he continues. “I’m not people. Won’t ever be, thanks to the ears and tail.”

“You should be people.” he breathes. “A lot of others agree with me, nowadays.”

“Ah, so you’re one of those activists? You realise you guys are going to get killed before anything substantial changes right?”

“I’m– uh, I’m not really an activist? I don’t like all the attention.” Connor forces himself to loosen up a little, more to prove that he isn’t a danger to the wild card in front of him and less because he actually wants to. “It makes me nervous.”

“Yet you supposedly bring home a dangerous stranger from the streets into your own home just for the sake of patching up a few scratches.”

Connor stands at full height once more, his voice sharp, “You also have severe bruising and a concussion. And the hospital wouldn’t have done much for you because it wasn’t immediately life threatening and you don’t have a collar.”

“If it wasn’t fucking life threatening then you should have left me out there! To hell with your hero dilemma or whatever the fuck you have!” the man snaps, waving his arms in wide, angry gestures, “How the hell did you even know where to find me, if you really aren’t with the fuckers who did this to me?”

“I was walking home from work and heard someone get hit, then voices threatening murder. I just stayed until they left in case I needed to jump in and stop them.” Connor says gravely.

The man sighs. Connor can feel his exhaustion from that one breath alone, but holds his ground. He doesn’t know what is genuine and what is an act to get him to lower his defenses. He’s suddenly aware that he’s shaking.

“And how the fuck did you get me here?” His tone is slightly less angry.

“Called a friend with a car. She’s the one who patched you up ‘cause she’s a doctor.” Connor tries to slow his trembling, and, to his surprise, it’s kind of working.

The older man eyes him, “And why the fuck did she help?”

“She thought someone else was staying with me last night so I wasn’t alone with you.” Connor blurts before reassuring, “No one else is here, but she doesn’t know that. She has her own things to worry about. I don’t want her involved.” With that, he stops his breathing exercises, confident he won’t start panting or hyperventilating.

“And you don’t have one?” he can almost hear the raised eyebrow accompanying the nekojin’s question.

“Not really.” He doesn’t really want to talk about this, especially not to someone he doesn’t know.

“Nothin’ to lose by taking in a stranger, huh? Self destructive much?”

“Not– not exactly.”

There’s a few moments of tense silence. Connor still refuses to move a single muscle from earlier and it’s starting to get strenuous now, but he won’t lower his guard until he knows this nekojin isn’t a threat anymore.

“...You’re not gonna try to name me or some shit?” the partial-human asks warily and, if Connor isn’t wrong, with a hint of timidity.

That… was not at all what Connor was expecting out of the gruff man after what has been going down. He didn’t even know that people did that to partial humans. It sadly makes sense, though, considering history. Animals have always been renamed with little issue, and back in the day, people used to do just the same to partial humans too. Connor thought that kind of thing died decades ago, though.

“No? I didn’t even fully realize that was a thing people still did…”

“And none of these drawers have clothes of my size in them?”

“I– No! Check if you want but–”

Connor falls silent when the other man suddenly turns to the single dresser in the room and opens the first drawer. Every drawer after that was opened and reshut with great haste. Finding it all empty, he moves on to the closet and goes through the small shelving unit in there. He once again finds nothing, and shuts the closet with an obvious breath of relief. He sharply turns back to Connor. The man must see something in Connor because he sighs and shuffles towards where he’s still sitting against the wall.

“You really don’t want any ownership over me?” The man sounds less angry and more skeptical.

“If you don’t believe me, then you can always leave. I don’t want to trap you. But you’re still hurt.” Only silence follows, so Connor tries again to make this man trust that he won’t slap a collar on him. “I’ve never been interested in getting a nekojin. I hate what you guys have to endure, and I’ve always pretty much seen everyone as equals. It actually got me a bit of unwanted attention when I was younger.” He adds after a split second of hesitation.

The stranger huffs in what seems like a mocking manner. Connor can understand why.

“You sure you’re not an activist? Going out and parading and getting arrested by plan?”

Connor fights the urge to squirm in shame and apprehension and shakes his head. “I’ve always been too shy for anything like that, and I don’t like a lot of attention focused on me. It’s stressful.”

The man takes two steps closer to Connor, who instinctively tenses, not realizing that he ever relaxed just the slightest bit in the first place. The other pauses, then shuffles back half a step, putting his hands in his pockets in a way that makes it obvious that he’s forcing himself to do so, rather than keep them ready for a fight and out in the open.

“How do I know you aren’t with those three brats and are gonna try your shot at taming my fugly mug into something sellable? Hm? How do I know that no one’s waiting to catch me if I try to leave like you offered?”

Connor speaks without thinking. “You’re not fugly, just in need of a shower and new clothes.” Connor hates the tense silence that immediately follows, so Connor quickly moves on and fills it, “And, I– uh– I guess you don’t? I mean, I don’t know how to prove it? That I don’t think it’s a good idea to ‘tame’ anyone? I mean, don’t you need those life skills? To like, survive and stuff in our current society?”

The nekojin only gapes at him as if he’s said something completely absurd, and knowing himself, he probably did without realizing it. When it becomes obvious that Connor isn’t going to continue, the stranger shakes his head incredulously.

“Do you know how many people would call a nekojin’s feral state ‘life skills’? Even the damn activists have their own ideas about how our sanity should be managed. Are you fucking insane?”

Connor winces at his tone. “Uh… I mean, you don’t seem feral to me, as such… But I know I’m socially awkward and I’ve been told I’m dense–”

“I can’t tell if you’re shitting me or if you’re really trying hard to get me to not fucking hate you.” He suddenly sniffs the air and his expression becomes darker. “Something is burning. What the hell are you cooking?”

Burning? Connor thinks, sniffing the air. He can’t really smell anything. A partial-human’s sense of must be substantially stronger than a pure human’s; a single truth within the many lies of the internet.

“I was making a breakfast sandwich before you woke up… It might be the biscuits that you smell burning?”

He should really go pull them out of the oven, but he’s still afraid that this guy will pounce on him again if he tries to make an unannounced move for the door, and he doesn’t want a repeat of that whatsoever. On another note, there is absolutely no way he’s going to have his back turned to an aggressive stranger for any amount of time, especially because this one has claws and fangs.

“Fine, I smell the eggs and bacon too, but I’m gonna go sit out where you’ll be cooking so I know where you are and what you’re doing.” He straightens up and crosses his arms defiantly. The post is practically begging Connor to refuse the guy so he can do something about it. Too bad Connor doesn’t want to.

“That’s fine,” Connor pauses, then tries something bold at the last moment, “As long as you tell me what to call you.” The other startles at that, “I’m tired of calling you ‘stranger’ and ‘nekojin’ in my head.” Connor relaxes his pose just enough to seem like he isn’t ready to spring into any kind of action still, even though he definitely still is. “I’m Connor.”

He scrutinizes the younger man, then sighs and untenses just a tad. “Fine. Lead the way, then. I’m Hank, and that’s all you’re gonna get outta me.”

“I didn’t expect anything else.” He attempts a smile that he suspects looks more like a grimace.

Now that Connor is somewhat confident that the stranger– Hank isn’t going to pounce on him the moment his back is turned, he’s able to exit the door and walk to the kitchen area without looking alarmingly tense and uncomfortable. Connor hears a door close as he finds and pulls on a pair of oven mitts. Connor still keeps a mental map of where Hank is by the sound of his footsteps as he grabs the pan of moderately burned biscuits out of the oven.

He sets the pan on the counter so the cooked-to-dark-brown biscuits can cool so the trash bag doesn’t melt when he throws them away. Then he swiftly pulls out a stool from the kitchen island and takes the smoke alarm off of the ceiling, then deactivating it right as it begins beeping with the timing and grace of only someone who has done this a million other times can achieve. He gets down and puts the stool back. He moves back to the oven and turns it off all while avoiding having his back completely to Hank, who’s standing in his living room.

There’s complete silence in the room that makes Connor’s nerves bristle. Connor glances over to the knife block next to the fridge, knowing that he would never actually use them to harm anyone, but he likes to believe he could bluff his way out of a dire situation. Although, now that he’s thinking about it, maybe he couldn’t. Hank would probably be unfazed or get angrier after everything he’s experienced in his lifetime, and that’s if he somehow believes that Connor would actually use said knife after everything he’s said and done.

Connor jumps when Hank starts speaking.

“Everything good now? You’ve been standing there starin’ at nothin’ like a lunatic.”

Connor says nothing, choosing to just nod instead as he casually crosses his arms and leans against the counter next to the oven in a strained act of nonchalance.

Hank studies him carefully. “Why are you helping me, really?”

Connor can’t help but silently sigh. He may have already said this once or twice before, and he may not blame the guy in the slightest for not believing him, but still. It’s not like his answer is going to change from when he asked earlier. Although, that may be why he’s asking again, as some form of test or something.

“Like I said before, I don’t think I’ll get anything tangible out of this. If you really need something, then maybe self-satisfaction or a clean conscious for helping someone in need, but nothing tangible like money.” Hank shoots him a blank look that he hates. He sighs. “I just– My gut told me that you needed some real help, and I was going to give it whether you were a pure human or partial. It’s just that after finding out you had cat ears and a tail, I knew that no hospital in the area was going to give you proper care so 911 was essentially useless. I generally have good intuition when it comes to people, so I trusted it and brought you home instead of leaving you tied down in that nasty alley.” What Connor doesn’t mention aloud is how he’s been regretting not leaving him bandaged up in the cleaner part of that alley ever since he couldn’t see the other man in the guest room’s bed earlier.

His last statement catches Hank’s attention, who then turns his head to look away from Connor for the first time since being awake and looks out a window. He clears his throat, cutting off Connor’s growing panic. The guy’s head is down and his shoulders are slumped, but it’s still obvious that he’s still on edge and wary of his surroundings and Connor. When he speaks, it sounds like he has to force the sound from his lips.

“Look, Connor, I’m sorry for snapping at you, even if I don’t entirely regret protecting myself like that. But I still don’t trust or like you, got it?”

“Yeah. The sentiment is kind of the same right now, no offense.”

“None taken,” Hank pauses and straightens up, “Do you at least get where I’m coming from, though?” he takes a step forward. “Like, according to society, I am an untamed animal or slave, and I wake up in a strange room and am getting checked on every god damned minute by a complete stranger when the last thing I remember is getting kicked around and beat with broken bottles.” He shakes his head and looks away.

“I ain’t some starvin’, twink cat that you can just bring home and teach how to trust and love or whatever the fuck else books try to say. Hell, I’m not even a Persian or Maine Coon cat with those big bushy tails like people always love to give us larger people. I’m just an old, fat calico.”

Hank suddenly stiffens upon saying that last word, but Connor ignores it and lowers his head.

“I personally don’t agree with the stereotypes as well. But as I offered before,” Connor raises his head to meet Hank’s eyes again, “you’re always welcome to leave, The front door is right there. I’m not keeping you trapped here, and there’s not anyone after you or anything that I know of, so…” Connor shrugs.

For the first time this morning, Hank looks more uncomfortable than anything else, and Connor doesn’t really have the energy to unpack that. He starting to feel tired because of the lack of adrenaline in his system, so he’ll probably need some caffeinated tea soon. Maybe a new breakfast to go with it, too; his stomach is starting to hurt with hunger because he forgot dinner last night.

Still, Hank hasn’t responded, so Connor takes this opportunity to give him the explicit option to stay because he’s already given the nekojin multiple outs and, as stupid as Connor knows he can be, he doesn’t think Hank should be left on his own quite yet. Besides, he really doesn’t think that Hank will do any harm for no reason. His anger and violence earlier were understandable at the least, and neither of them seem to want a repeat of that any time soon. Connor doesn’t think he’s making the wrong decision by doing this since Hank’s already here in his apartment, anyway. Emphasis on think.

“If you wanted to stay, though, I can make you breakfast? Or you can watch me make your breakfast, or just make it yourself if you want. I mean, because I’m willing to bet that you haven’t had anything decent in a while, yeah?” He chuckles awkwardly. It almost works to make the atmosphere less heavy. Almost.

Hank stares him down, obviously still skeptical and wary of Connor. The creator tries to not do anything that could be taken as suspicious, but that in of itself could be suspicious in a way. A few more seconds pass like this in tense silence before Hank finally sighs and relaxes his shoulders the slightest bit.

“What the fucking hell is my life anymore.” He mumbles, then raises his voice to a normal speaking level “Alright. I’m gonna sit on that stool,” He points to one of the two the kitchen island, “And I’m gonna watch you so you don’t poison my food. And then you can hear me if I even so much as shuffle, so you’ll know I won’t attack you from behind.”

“Okay.” He watches as Hank moves with a slight limp in his left leg and sits with a poorly concealed wince. “Did you… did you want to maybe redress your wounds? I have over the counter pain meds if you want, but I doubt you’d trust that.”

“You’re right. I don’t trust that a single fucking bit. This ain’t nothin’ I haven’t gone through before, so you can quit your worryin’.” Hank hesitates, then continues, almost meeker. “And you don’t need to worry about allergies. I’ll eat anythin’.”

Connor simply nods in response, already getting used to Hank’s vulgarity and irritation. It’s probably not healthy why he’s already getting used to it, considering it’s mostly due to questionable parenting choices and plenty of childhood bullying, but no one really has the time or patience to unpack that right now (or ever, if Connor has any say in it). Therefore, he does what he does second best, and instead of slowly unpacking that box of troubles and sorting through it like any healthy person should, he simply tapes that box shut tightly with three layers of duct tape and shoves it to the back of his mental storage unit while he takes out his pan cleaner to wash off the remnants of his food before starting Hank’s.

As he gathers ingredients and tools to the island so Hank can see exactly what Connor is doing at all times, he never once looks up at Hank. The why from earlier tries to rear its ugly head again, but he shoves and forces it down again with practiced ease. Unlike what it has to say about the damnable why, his gut is telling him that Hank isn’t really a bad person, that he’s just been dealt a shit hand in his life. It’s right about people much more often than it’s not, and Connor can only hope that this isn’t one of those times where it’s not.

He finds himself almost wanting to like Hank, to show him that the world isn’t completely filled with stupid assholes, only mostly full.

•◊•◊•◊•◊•

~> Next

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A/N: Hey guys!! I hope you didn’t mind the wait too much, but I ended up changing the plot to this story last minute and rewrote this chapter, like, 3 and a half times now? So, yeah, there’s that. This chapter was a bit angsty and I still kinda really hate it, but!! But!!! I am moving on because Protective Hank™ will be making an appearance next chapter!! The next chapter of The Drift Between Us may not come for a couple of weeks because I have to update the EXO x Reader I’m writing on a blog I share with my friend that I have been neglecting lately Lol. So, that’s pretty much it! Thank you for taking the time to read this, and I hope you have a pleasant day/night! 😊💕

#hankcon #hank x connor #hank anderson x connor #hankcon fanfiction #hankcon fanfic #hankcon au #hannor fanfic #hannor fanfiction #hannor au #hannor #neko hank anderson #dbh neko hank #cat out of the bag #chapter 1

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