#I live in a house with homophobic transphobic racist grandparents and it sucks

[fitzhastoomanysideblogs]

I swear to god I can't stand another minute of living in this house

[goremet-chef]

random little (very long) vent thing lamaoo

my birthday is soon and im like. IDK ive just been incredibly fucked up recently with like. anti trans legislation and general negativity, so ive been trying to keep away from twitter since thats where i see most of it

last year, my mother had me come get my cake with her and to my surprise it said "happy birthday dominic" and i couldve cried, like i was wearing my face mask cuz it helps my dysphoria but holy shit i was smiling so hard

she said dominic when she sang my bday song with my siblings and it made me really happy

she hasnt called me dominic since, and whatever im like. im not really over it but i will say and act like i am because it prevents me from dwelling on unnecessary pain yknow?

i guess recently she's had a change of heart, cuz she told my sibling that she wants to start calling me by dom and that she doesnt want me to hide who i am from her, and i know what she means definitely

ive been very like.. closed off? especially since her bf came back (he fucking sucks i hate him) i just havent spent time with her or anything unless hes gone cuz i definitely dont feel comfortable being myself around him

anyways this is pretty cool all things considered. i have told her before that i knew she wasnt gonna be part of my journey and ive accepted that, and usually i say shit and she just ignores it but maybe she actually heard that and listened

so, dominic is having his 4th bday soon and im happy about that, but like.. we're gonna go do mini golf for my bday which is a surprise! because i mean. if you know me, i dont really like to leave the house, like at all. i guess thats kinda how covid affected me? theres no reason to leave the house anymore so i guess i wont (and i guess it worked cuz i havent gotten it) but it was like. so horrible for my mental health

like i always said "oh, yeah, i dont mind being inside id prefer to not go outside anyways" and thats true but its like. doubled my social anxiety somehow. im normal in public until theres people around me or god forbid interacting with me 💀💀 the way i act when i have to buy my own shit is awful, i get sweaty and i stutter and i shake, i need to take a long breath after it fucking sucks it feels awful. JUST TO LIKE. PUT SOMETHING AT THE CASH REGISTER AND AHVE THEM ASK IF I WANT A REWARDS CARD OR WHATEVER THATS ITTT it sucks

so yeah im surprised i agreed to it, but its glow in the dark minigolf and one thing about me is i love minigolf and i love glow in the dark im gonna have a five nights at freddy moment (which means i gotta wear my shirt like i just gotta) and im sure itll be great fun (pleased about glow in the dark cuz im sure itll be. DARK in there and i dont have to worry so much about people seeing me)

my problem is that im hanging out with my aunt as well and i love my aunt!! everyone on my dads side except for my dad is amazing i love them, but i dont know how she would be yknow? idk if my mom has spilled the tea about it and told her or if theyre gonna just put my deadname on shit this year again like. i dont know

what if it did say dominic? how would my aunt react? its scary to think about, im so scared to LOSE more of my family

i havent even technically lost my moms side, its just that theyre a bunch of racist queerphobic losers and i know if they knew me, they wouldnt want me anymore

yeah im just stressed about it, all this shit is starting to pile up inside of me and i feel like ill explode and jsut say fuck everyone im ME and i dont give a fuck what you think, cuz no, i dont

my immediate family that i live with knows, my grandma knows, thats all that really matters. the only benefits to knowing my great grandparents is they give me money on my birthday, and that might sound hollow or whatever but its true, they fucking suck

just gettin tired of this sht yknow? even now, there is a hostile on the farm!! my moms bf is so homophobic, most likely transphobic too

hes SPECIFICALLY annoying, all the shit i order comes under dominic and hes brought me my things multiple times so he knows, but he'll still say shit like "thats how females are" or "hello girls" and to me its honestly like

its FUNNY because its like the only thing he knows about me is that to him, im a girl SKFJS like genuinely. i dont share anything with him because i fucking hate him, hes the absolute worst. the fact that theyre married and hes my stepdad technically is something i just deny, im never calling that man my dad lol

anyways im thinking about getting a hip binder? i realize thats one of the things im insecure about, is my fat is at my hip and even when i bind it gives me a feminine sort of shape so a hip binder would be great

i realize that i actually dont care so much if im plus size, i just care if my body looks feminine or not

i will absolutely be your fat guy friend with no hesitation okay like that shit? yes im so content for now like that is acceptable, but yknow fat distributes differently so its either baggy ass clothes orr stay inside SKJF

okay im done talking thanks for coming to my ted talk you are safe (for now)

[samtheflamingomain]

family’s not forever

So I've written a shitload about my parents and sister and their involvement in my being kicked out. Today I want to talk about how my extended family reacted, which I don't think I've discussed.

So when I was first kicked out, I lived with my best friend Connor for a few days. On night one I realized I should call my grandparents and see if they'd give me a place to stay.

My mom's parents are extremely transphobic and therefore I hadn't seen them in years. My mom’s mom was always nice to me and warm, but she’s got health problems, lives in the middle of nowhere in Northern Ontario, and still lives with her awful, racist, homophobic husband. Also, when my mom was a kid and found her dad cheating on her mom and told her so, the same thing happened: her mom denied it. Being only 9, she couldn’t leave. Anyway, point being, I doubt she would’ve had much to offer.

My sister is a selfish person with a very low IQ, and had no capacity to deal with me. She lives in poverty up north of Toronto and I couldn’t stand the thought of living with her.

So my next thought was my dad's parents. His mother and step-father, actually.

It was an interesting phone call to say the least. Kathy picked up and told me to go home, that she didn't think I had any reason to be on my own, that I was blowing things out of proportion. When I told her that my own damn mother told me I was a psychotic liar and to get out of her house, Kathy didn't believe me. I will not attend her funeral. I do not care about her any more. She used to be one of my favourite grandparents, but that night, I saw that she was no better than my cheating father, about whom she specifically said, "would it really be that bad if he did do it?".

I contacted uncle Mikey and aunt Shelley, whom both told me they "didn't want to get involved" and that Mikey felt "I'm an adult and should get my shit together". I will never forgive them. They're lucky I haven't called Child Services on them because I know Mikey is the same as my dad. Both horrible people with a proclivity towards abusing their children. But because his abuse is likely the same as mine was (non-physical) there's not much I could do for my poor cousins Hannah (12) and Danielle (9). Of all the things I've lost, I somehow feel the worst about them. We were never particularly close but I saw the shift from "happy children" to "distressed pre-teens" and I saw it because the same thing happened to me.

A few weeks later I called my dad's parents again and my step-grandad Royal picked up. We've had our disagreements, but he was one of the very few family members I had left. I gave him my (old) phone number and told him I wanted to see him. Unfortunately, within a few weeks, I had to change my number, and I've been too much of a coward to call again.

But I've been deeply considering sending a letter or leaving a voicemail. He's halfway toward dementia, but he was lucid enough to realize the situation I was in when I called him back in March. He's literally the only extended family that didn't gaslight the fuck out of me when the shit hit the fan.

But he also can't do much, and though his relation to my family is just one by marriage, I still feel better being completely cut off from all of them.

I'd been dreading the holidays - I still am. But luckily I work all day Thanksgiving so I won't have to think about that. Christmas will probably suck, but to bring it back to my point, I'd rather be alone than have anything to do with anyone in that clusterfuck of a family.

Not sure what my point was here; I guess it was about me processing why I haven't tried contacting my granddad again. I think it's because, back in March, I will still in the middle of the crisis and would've given anything for a supportive family member, whereas now I'm at the point where I've mostly moved on, and I feel like getting involved in any way with anyone related to me would be a step back.

It's a bittersweet thing to know that the last time I talked to him will likely be the last. He's got maybe 3 or 4 years left in him, 1 or 2 of him being lucid at best. It's a shame because I would've been there for him and taken care of him, and I know his wife won't - she'll stick him in a nursing home when she gets sick of him. And I would've liked to be able to attend his funeral, but nobody has a way of contacting me to inform me.

But that's the way it has to be. Probably forever. But I'm starting to get used to it and create a new life for myself that doesn't require family.

It's a hard thing to do when every month is someone's birthday or a family day or a holiday and we're bombarded with cliches about family being forever and even when no one else is, your family will be there and all that. I've had to learn that those things simply aren't true.

I have friends and a boyfriend, so I'm not completely alone. But I'm definitely on my way to living as if they never existed. I don't spend all day agonizing over every detail of that 4-month period anymore.

I'm not there yet, but I definitely don't fear Christmas as much as I did in the summer, for example. I've become less afraid of being alone.

Stay Greater, Flamingos.