#I like to think that if Dirk had been raised by his bro he would still try and initiate strife sessions

[anameorsomthing]

Lil’man wants to strife

[weirdmageddon]

i love these tags this person is so right

actually, can you imagine if dave was raised by B1 roxy?

i wanna get into this actually

(ok i had to spend a few hours rewriting this because IT DIDNT FUCKING SAVE AFTER FIVE HOURS OF WRITING WHEN MY COMPUTER UPDATED WHILE I WAS AFK so it would mean a lot to show this post some appreciation. i LOVEEE hearing what other people have to say)

even though these things mom does are presented in an extravagant, kitsch, jokey way, her intentions always came from a place of sincerity. she is simply Funnie

but rose reads too far into it and assumes things that aren't there, that her mother is passive-aggressively feigning interest in rose's interests simply because the things she does are so extra. "why do all of this if not to mock me"

im telling you right now if dave lived in this household he wouldn't assume antagonism, he'd go,

don’t forget who LITERALLY patented tangible jpeg artifacts as their post-scratch adult self and scattered shitty scummed up statue of liberties all over the planet. theres no way some of that overboard artful shit wasnt post-ironic / circling back around to genuine funny sincerity

dave's natural state is funny sincerity like roxy. he's had the natural capacity for this type of humor from the start and this is the direction he goes towards when he grows out of his brother's shadow by the end of the comic. dave and roxy share an earnest “so bad its good” type of humor

(lots more under the cut; the length of this meta analysis just got unwieldly with all the pictures and whatnot)

despite the alcoholism, roxy is a supportive mother. she's not the ideal guardian but hells of a lot more supportive of her kid than bro is. if she knew dave's interests she would totally indulge in them with some over the top silly goofy haha shit as a genuine gesture simply because she loves him

rose isn't too keen on it though. but she is more similar to dirk in her natural state of thinking of overthinking shit and assuming the worst, like the tags said

and yes dave got the sweet cuddly yet sometimes backhanded ouppy gene from roxy, probably even moreso lol

roxy's even said rose "sounds like girl dirk"

side tangent here, but this is something i wanna talk about.

i dont think bro should ever be in custody of children ever but if theres anyone who would be up to the task it's rose probably. i know she'd be able to keep up with him. not only does she have a defined personality (dave is more malleable and absorbs his environment like a sponge), if anyone can pick apart B1 dirk's batshit brain and probably be right on the money it's her. lil cal has been pumping patriarchal nonsense into bro's head and rose would be able to bring the fucking facts to the table without losing her own and being a living example of a badass little girl. i also don't think bro would try to force masculine roles onto rose like he did with dave, seeing as she is a girl, so she would actually have more of a leg up and get some passes that dave was never afforded. and rose wouldn't stand idly and accept any bullshit; she is no doormat. and i think this would earn bro's respect

but anyway, from this, couldn't we conclude roxy "sounds like girl dave"?

yeah okay. we havent even gotten into their penchant for funny typos or misspeaks, deliberate or otherwise

so, dave's environment

the sentiment "god you hope you can be as good as your bro at this some day" might have been genuine at the time when he idolized bro but of course he's not able to express that in any sort of sincere fashion because he's in dirk's fucking household. and this level 10 irony shit isnt doing dave any favors

his role models were the Internet and a vague idea of what Bro was like. So he built up his facade based on irony–not the literary definition of irony, as Rose might be quick to point out, but a popular concept of irony based on the idea that things that didn’t make sense actually made sense in some roundabout way. As a master of irony, Dave probably reasoned, he could see in a way other people couldn’t why a world that was scary and didn’t make sense really did make sense, and could therefore convince those people that he was superior to them. And he would wield his knowledge to maintain the appearance of superiority by calling everything ironic and pretending he didn’t care about things that didn’t make sense, and he would use walls of vaguely rhyming words to keep everyone at arm’s length so they wouldn’t discover his insecurities (source)

roxy's style is the embodiment of post-irony. being raised by mom lalonde would be like being raised by joel vinesauce ok

what can i say ….. (getting meta about this actually, hussie got these jpeg wizard wallpapers from a spyware website. link takes some time to load because internet archive)

rose is quick to read post-irony as actually being a joke/insincere, which in bro's case would be true. but i believe dave's natural instinct, outside of the influence of bro, is to read post-irony as genuine, which is exactly how mom serves it. we see this as early as act 3 from him; he understands her motives better than rose does herself:

and in act 6 intermission 2 i think it's pretty clear

but the thing is, it's always genuine from her. dave wouldn't have to second guess it because he's not one to naturally second guess someone's sincerity; that was learned due to his bro being virtually unassailable

there two types of ironies at play here:

seems like a joke, is actually genuine (roxy)

doesnt seem like a joke, is actually a joke (dirk)

you can make the argument that the second is is more psychologically destructive because it makes you question the reality of what is genuine sentiment and what isn't. dave never knew what was genuine and what was irony so he just sort of existed in this sincerity-ironic limbo and always did the opposite of what he genuinely felt on principle even if it always did originate from a genuine place.

"it just a joke bro i was just being ironic i dont actually x" is so much more trust-breaking and psychologically damaging than "wait are you being serious" / "i am being so fucking fr rn davy gravy" / "ok thats actually pretty fucking awesome. giant ass wizard statue" / "RIGHT"

how much about dave would change do you think? his character arc would be completely different for one thing, i think he'd have it good aside from mom's alcohol issues. he'd be left with the sweet and funny parts of him that we see at the end of the comic. the fake coolguy stuff is out, but this remains. this is dave in his element and we see it as early as act 1

he'd probably have no shades growing up in the lalonde residence* either cause those were given to him by bro straight out of the crater as an extension of his own cool image. and john gave dave ben stiller’s aviators for his 13th birthday to replace them so he could “spread his wings”

dave said he was wearing them for the ironies but i kind of doubt it. maybe post-irony but there was some reacharound to it being genuine because dave never put those pointy anime shades on his face again.

*though... it’s kind of hard to imagine him without his shades at all? B2 dave still got stiller’s shades from stiller himself so maybe getting them is a universal constant. i can imagine mom getting him them as a birthday gift cause shes pretty wealthy and probably could buy it out in an auction. but also itd be cool if john still gave him it as a gift

dave is actually a lot more genuine and easy to read than he lets on even when grappling with his upbringing with B1 dirk (again, see this post). this can be seen all throughout he comic but a good example is the evolution of thoughts about his interest in the preserved dead things in his room:

if B1 roxy was dave's guardian he probably WOULD have pursued paleontology because she wouldve indulged him in it and probably find it cool and worthwhile to pursue, instead of allowing dave to flounder under ironic detachment, being poisoned by irony to the point of gaslighting himself into believing he doesnt actually believe he thinks this shit is cool. even if it was indulged in this such a way; a superficially kitsch and ironic appearing presentation, it comes from a genuine place and inspires genuine interest. just read the comments.

basically, i think if B1 roxy raised dave, their relationship would have a surface level appearance of being bizarre or over-the-top but they’d have an unsaid mutual understanding that it’s completely in earnest and just build on each other's funny and absurd gestures of affection. rather than seeing it as one-upping each other, it'd more like collaboration of some silly bullshit that you take a step back and look at full and just say, "fucking incredible"

speaking of paleontology, mom had the proto-ectobiology lab. maybe they'd be able to use the equipment to appearify paradox ghost imprints of the dead shit to create paradox clones of things from the cambrian era??? sounds like a fun mother son bonding activity. and theyd actually put the sciencey shit in the household to use

oh god i know exactly the kinds of music shed listen too also growing up as a teen in the 80s. she on that (post)-punk/art rock/new wave/new romantic mtv stuff. XTC shit fr. this is a B-52S HOUSEHOLD. maybe the associates for the campy melodramatic flair. so he gets to keep the record on his shirt cause he is an enjoyer of the shit in her vinyl collection. dave would still gravitate towards musical expression and music itself but of more variety outside of just rap, with an 80s-90s, even 70s flavor due to mom’s influence. see this for perhaps a glimpse. ​she probably visited new york city a lot for business trips and because the music scene was cool as hell around that time, imports came straight from jfk airport, she probably got in on that a bit and have remnants in the form of vinyls and cassettes. in this way she could be distributing void to dave (influencing him with forgotten / presently irrelevant music). now he can REALLY rave about bands none of his friends have heard of. “hey davy grvay watcha listenin to” (he holds up vinyl cover) “omg snakefinger”

btw dave lalonde would look like this to me

[calware]

would you ever share a list of your fave fics to reread ? Id love to hear your recommendations and faves

sure thing :) i'm only going to list works that have been going on for a while (or at least have gotten past the very beginning of the story) and that i've read all the way through. i'm also not going to list any of the super iconic fics i like because this list is already pretty long. these are all based on stuff that i personally find more interesting to read about, mostly focused on the human characters and not a lot of romance

i don't really know if these first two count but they're too good to not include:

Jade Route by spicyyeti

a post-epilogues comic centering around jade, this is my favorite homestuck fanwork. i especially love the artwork and the way it frames the story. it is reaaallllly hard to read it on a phone so make sure to read it on a computer or tablet

House of Dirk by imarriedacherub no rating - graphic depictions of violence - 13,570 words - 20 chapters (unfinished) A sitcom about completely normal and well-adjusted newlyweds Dirk and Caliborn attempting to make a good impression on their son, Dave, and his boyfriend, Karkat.

another comic, this one hosted on both ao3 and mspfa (though the ao3 version has more pages). i like how ridiculous it is. will probably never be finished, sadly

moving on to the actual fics:

Reallocated by breezefulskies mature - chose not to use archive warnings - 324,756 words - 65 chapters (unfinished) Hal finds himself stranded aboard a certain meteor, impact-bound for Houston, Texas circa 1995. And everything spirals out from there. Because sometimes, when a system seems to be just short of defunct, all that is required is to take a step back and reevaluate the materials at hand and redistribute your available resources. And so, with birth comes a countdown on a cycle that begins as it ends: In the red.

hal is mysteriously sent to earth via unknown means and finds himself raising a baby as best as he can, which, given that he's glasses, is not easy. this is my favorite homestuck fic, not just because it's about hal, but also because i love the focus on family dynamics and the plot as it unfolds. begging everyone to read this, i can't say what happens exactly without spoiling things, it's just really really good. at the moment, it updates once a month

Ersatz Abyss by katreal mature - no archive warnings apply - 120,092 words - 39 chapters (unfinished) You look into the mirror to find your own face looking back at you. You laugh. And then you cry. Last, you try and figure out how you got to this moment. The Auto-Responder had long since resigned himself to an artificial existence, his only dwindling hope for escape hinging on a promise that has yet to be fulfilled. Then one day he wakes up, Dirk nowhere to be found. What's the point in getting what you want, if you can't show off a little?

another great hal fic. i managed to get my roommate (who has not read homestuck) to read this and they really enjoyed it, so i'm sure you all won't have any problems liking this one either. there are a lot of fics out there of hal getting a body, but this one is very different in that it's not the happy ending that you might first think it is. this fic perfects the feeling of everything snowballing into a bigger and bigger problem until it all falls apart

Falling for the First Time by nobrandhero teen - no warnings apply - 63,818 words - 11/17 chapters The game is over, Alpha Earth resets to 2009, and Dirk's bro doesn't live up to expectations. The movie director who appears so chill and stoic in interviews is actually a talkative, needy dweeb like his teenage counterpart. It's not a bad thing, as far as Dirk's concerned.

for whatever reason, i'm a sucker for fics where the characters somehow end up on earth again post-game, and out of all the fics that follow that concept this one is my favorite. sadly, this one barely touches on jane and jake, but it's pretty interesting to read about what dirk and roxy are getting up to with their guardians (and the earth) restored to their previous conditions

The Haunted Harley House by hemoanarchists teen - chose not to use archive warnings - 78,462 words - 23 chapters (finished) There is an old house you built a long long time ago, alongside someone very close to you. Now as you don a new name, slipping back into society to care for a descendant, to whom tragedy has left you as her only family left, you take her to the house, the house that bears your family name. You really shouldn't have been surprised when he came to join you. It is his house too, after all.

carlah, a young girl who lives on earth c, has just been taken in by her uncle "jacob harley" after her mother's death. as time goes on, she slowly learns more about the true nature of her new guardians and the house they all live in. normally i'm not that interested in OCs but i love how intriguing carlah is as an outsider of the story. it's really easy to get invested in her as she uncovers a mystery we all know from the beginning and another that we have to learn along with her. shoutout to dysfunctional family dynamics

actually, while i'm at it, i'm going to recommend a bunch of other stuff he's written:

Atlantis Bound teen - chose not to use archive warnings - 33,263 words - 8 chapters (unfinished) Dirk tracks down an old friend

prequel to the haunted harley house but can also be read after (or separately). i really like the dynamic between dirk and vriska here, and i also love the way vriska's repeated reincarnation is utilized. vriska's journey through the newest iteration of her life while dirk watches over her is soooo captivating, especially when snippets of her previous lives are sprinkled in throughout. do you guys love cycles? personally i love cycles

Cherubian mature - chose not to use archive warnings - 54,011 words - 29 chapters (unfinished) The 5000 year time skip never happened, at the dawn of time the gods desperately try to guide the planet into a better future. But with tensions rising it feels like one bad day could bring everything crumbling down.

all of dante's earth-c god fics as a whole changed my brain chemistry and this acts as the beginning (and catalyst) of that overarching story. a lot happens in a very short amount of time

Transitional teen - no warnings apply - 1,860 words - oneshot a simple question what changed when you went godtier?

super simple but also an interesting exploration of the headcanon that players' bodies change when they go godtier. the twist is that each "change" is unique to each character and relates to their Self in some way

Monster under the bed teen - chose not to use archive warnings - 2,573 words - oneshot Skeletons in the Closet mature - chose not to use archive warnings - 2,910 words - oneshot Small Talk teen - no warnings apply - 8,944 words - 6 chapters (unfinished)

putting all three of these together because i believe(?) they're all part of the same narrative

[lovelyrotter]

thinkin about beta dirk and how hed undoubtedly in my mind still be a piece of shit guardian who 1) wasnt prepared for a baby even if he knew dave was coming in advance, 2) not at his best regardless bc of his lived experiences on earth (2a being absolute refusal of support for those experiences and then problems through toxic coolboy masculinity. also the 80s-90s. hes def in the 'nothings ever wrong w/ me cause thats admitting weakness' generation of men). but also how lil cal made him so so much worse

like i genuinely dont think the undertones (sometimes overtones) of nonphysical sexual abuse happening in the apartment would be there if not for caliborn and his preoccupation with making platonic affection an intensely erotic activity. i can very easily see bro genuinely seeing hugging dave as sexually inappropriate but beating him bloody a 'proper bonding activity' because, again, hes had the most violent entity in paradox space as a comfort item from day 1

his smuppets and highly specific porn being everywhere and too easily accessible to dave is an obvious problem but again i can imagine it just not crossing bros mind as an issue because hes not touching dave. hes not hugging him or ruffling his hair or holding his hand when they cross the street. he cant do those things with his son because hes grown up with lil cal and lil cal sees those things as intensely sexual. this has never been contested. but strifing isnt sexual. strifing is the new platonic affection. strifing is the opposite of tender. strifing is cool. and hes gotta prepare dave doesnt he? hes gotta make sure they both make it into the medium and win. hes gotta be a heart player, THE heart player. how do you raise a god while also trying to contain and control an absolute evil force, that will never actually be controlled? you cant. itll consume you eventually and you wont even notice. and while youre doing all that you can still indulge in your hobbies and run your smutty sites. sure you can. daves cool. hes pretty grown up already cause you made him so. he wont mind. dont even worry about it bro

[davekat-sucks]

I had always wondered what Alpha Bro Dave was like in the Alpha Kids' session. Because Dirk would refer to Lil Cal as the real guardian over Alpha Bro. Even if he knew that his Alpha Bro would face ICP and die by Her Imperious Condesce's hands, he still favors Lil Cal. Why though? It can't just play up the joke of the usual guardians acting strange or weird to their child like it was played up in earlier acts. That would imply Dirk had to have been with Alpha Bro for some time to really know him. And that Alpha Bro Dave's must have done something to make Dirk think he was not the greatest. Alpha Dave couldn't have left Dirk that alone at too young of an age. And it be a weirder implication if LIL CAL was the one raising like Bec does for Jade Harley. Part of me likes to think if Bro Strider was considered abusive towards Dave, then Alpha Bro Dave would have been something like this to Dirk Strider. If not physically abusive, then emotionally neglectful.

[the-meat-machine]

Any thoughts on how the Alpha and Beta kids would handle parenthood compared to their adult counterparts?

Predictably, the character I have thought about most in this regard is Dirk. So, let's start with him.

Dirk

Dirk does not want children. He does not think he is capable of being a good parent. But if forced into a position where he had to take in a child, I think he would do a much better job than he thinks he would. He'd still be a pretty intense parent, but he'd be way better than Bro.

I think Dirk's instinct would be to micromanage every aspect of the child's life to ensure they have the Optimal Childhood. Like, after taking this kid in, he becomes an expert in childhood nutrition overnight, throws out all his own crappy food, and from there on out makes nothing for either of them except mediocre-but-nutritious Optimal Childhood Meals. Until the kid gets old enough to express that actually they don't like the Optimal Childhood Meals, at which point Dirk overcorrects and abruptly decides to let the kid eat anything they want. Except now he keeps trying to sneak vitamin powder into their ice cream and shit. Look, he's trying. He's trying so hard.

Because the thing is, Dirk knows that his controlling tendencies are his worst trait, so at the same time that he's trying to micromanage the kid's upbringing, he's also trying to micromanage himself into being the Chill Parent who can Roll With Anything. He is going to get a good grade in Chill, something that is both normal to want and possible to achieve. Please do not let him know how not chill he actually is; I'm not sure his heart can take it.

The overall result is that of a parent who is trying to anticipate his child's every need while also desperately trying not to pressure the kid into anything. In the end, I think it'll balance out into him being a weird-but-okay parent who maybe accidentally gives the kid a complex about expressing themself... because every time the kid takes so much as a passing interest in anything, Dirk takes it upon himself to secretly learn everything there is to know about the thing so that he can Support His Child. And once the kid catches on that this is happening, that reaction in itself feels like kind of a lot of pressure! So Dirk's efforts not to pressure the kid ironically backfire. Whoops.

(Woe betide Dirk if the kid ever decides they want to learn swordfighting. The part of him that would be thrilled to have a protege to teach would be overshadowed by the part of him that would now be convinced that he's two seconds away from becoming an abuser every time he helps the kid train.)

Everyone Else

My thoughts on the rest of the kids are all halfbaked in comparison to my thoughts on Dirk, but I do think they pretty much all have the capacity to be decent, if flawed, parents. Though I'm going to start with the two I think might be the most flawed, haha.

Jane

I'm about to be kinda harsh on Jane here. We see in canon that she wants to have children, but I don't think she's really considered what the reality of that would be like. I think she would find parenting harder than she expects, and frankly I'm not sure she'd even like kids that much? Like, she could grin and bear it and go through all the motions and provide the kid with all the right things. But somewhere under there, I think there'd be this simmering resentment that this isn't how she wants to spend her life, and I think the kid would eventually pick up on it.

Jane also has a lot of baggage around reproduction that has been brainwashed into her (CEASE REPRODUCTION), so that's fun. All in all, she's perhaps the only one of the kids who I think has the potential to be a significantly worse guardian than their alt-universe counterpart.

But! Maybe I'm being too harsh on her and she'd be a great parent. Definitely fun to bake with, if nothing else.

Jake

If Jake can grow up enough to accept the responsibility of raising a child, I think he could be an okay, if way overly permissive, parent. That said… there's no evidence as of the end of the comic that he's prepared to do that growing up, so he could equally end up just as flighty and irresponsible as Grandpa Harley was. I know that most of the stuff about Grandpa Harley fathering a bunch of children and then ducking out of their lives to go off adventuring some more is dubiously canon at best, but really, I absolutely believe that was the kind of man he was. And frankly, I'm not sure that Jake will ever be ready for the responsibility of having children. But who knows! Maybe I'm underestimating him.

Roxy

A doting mother if there ever was one. Genuinely would love being a mom; even the hard parts I think she'd take on eagerly because she is just that into being a mom. Hopefully she can avoid relapsing into alcoholism, thus avoiding Beta Mom's biggest flaw. And unlike Mom, Roxy has friends around to help and support her with this, so I think she can manage it. That said, she may have a bit too much of her self-image wrapped up in Being A Mother, and her kid might find her a bit smothering at times. But overall, I think she'd be a pretty good parent.

Rose

I'm trying to evaluate each of the kids as parents on their own merits, without regard for their potential partners. So I'll do the same for Rose and speculate on what kind of parent she'd be without Kanaya in the picture (who, if they were together, I think would probably take on a greater proportion of the parenting duties than Rose would).

Anyway, I think Rose would be a good, thoughtful parent overall. Perhaps a bit too distant and may come off as cold sometimes. But though she's not that demonstrative with her love, she would love her child deeply and I think it would show through her actions if not always her words.

Dave

I think he'd be a pretty good parent, if a bit overly permissive. This kid is gonna get spoiled rotten. ...I should probably have more to say about this, but alas, I don't.

Jade

The Fun Mom! Honestly, I think she'd be a great parent. …Jade really deserves a better analysis than this, but unfortunately I apparently am not equipped to provide it. Sorry, Jade!

John

I almost forgot to put John on this list, whoops. I think John's biggest pitfall as a parent would be emotional distance. Again, I don't have much to say about this other than that Candy!John's relationship with Harry Anderson seems plausible to me.

[cadaverousconsumer]

helloooo here are my beta kid headcanons! @icarusshomestuckfan do u remember that one convoersation we had about how i had no headcanons? well i do now!!!!

also im only doing the beta kids rn cause i dont wanna spoil anything for @giggleshitter0

ok chat starting with my main dude

Dave Strider hc!! dave is definitely, at the start at least, very thin but relatively lanky bc of general malnourishment from bro. however i like 2 think that he would become healthier throughout the comic and eventually become a healthy weight for his height. dave i think, if he went 2 school i think people would like him and think he was cool and wanna hang out buttt i think that he wowuld only have a couple good friends like the other beta kids buttt like his irl friends. i think dave definetly learned many domestic chores at a very young age. however i think bro would care about how dave looks, like his style and whatnot, but it would be strictly mandated by bro, with lil room for dave to express himself differently from bro. i think that dave is biracial bc i think roxy is black n dirk is pale asf in a white way.

kk now for our unoffical main character the nicest sigmaest guy john!

John Egbert hc: just clariying i think june egbert iis totally cool and probably canon buttt i personally never rly thought about it b4 getting into the fandom so i have no headcanons for her so here r my headcanons for john. john definitely is on the chubbier smaller side imo. his dad does bake a lot! i think john had a pretty good upbringing and was pretty happy with his bad movies and prank obssession. at school he probably had a couple nerdy friends and tehy were all very close! i dont think he would play dnd buttt if he did i bet thats where he would meet his friends, stranger things style. john is a classic nerd and people like him bc hes so nice and very considerate. john likes basketball n has fun playing it but isnt very good. i think john is half brazilian bc i think jake is brazilian but alpha kids are for another day haha. john has definetly broken his glasses a few times tripping over things. i think hes a bit clumbsy lol.

now onto our goth queennnn rose

Rose Lalonde hc: rose definitely had a rough childhood 2 but i think her mom took more care of her then bro did even if it was only 2 play the role of motherhood for her passive aggressive tendencies. she definitely stopped doing anything (other than vacuuming lol) once rose was old enough to do it herself. i think roses hair is bleached and straightened to oblivion and when she gets older shes defintely gonna wish she hadnt done it so much when she was younger. i think at school many people would have wanted to be her friend but she prefered more solitude, for wizard fanfics and eldritch god study. i think rose is shorter and curvier, (i def like the idea of her being shorter than kan) and a bit darker than dave. she started her intensive makeup routine in the hopes of attracting her mothers attention negatively, but with no luck. however she kept up with it because she found she liked the repetitivness of putting it on each morning, as well as the fact that it fit her overall aesthetic.

now for everyones fav doggie girl, jade!

Jade Harley hc: i love jade i think she is sooo cute. jade had an interesting childhood, being raised by a god level dog. i dont think it was necessarily bad just... very different from the other kids. i imagine she was left unattended a lot, but bec would always be aware of when to teleport in 2 save her. her hair is very long and has never really been cut officially due 2 living in the woods. jade is completely homeschooled and has nevre left the island. i think jade is rather petite and pretty thin overall... i imagine dogs probably arent the best at nutrition for humans haha. even tho jade doesnt know any kids her age in person i think she probably had many online friends and spent a lot of time online, playing games, watching videos, and just messing around. i think she learned bass from a youtube video. jade is also half brazilian cause jake

well those r my shitty headcanons

[lolliepops-rox]

Look I love people who write good guardian David/Alpha!Bro. It's sweet and Dirk deserves nice things. But honestly if Dirk got to grow up in the same year as Jane & Jake, I don't think David would have been a good guardian.

He would be emotionally constipated, lacking most of that character growth that had Dave has. I think he'd be alot like Beta!Mom actually. Neglectful and throws himself into work. Dirk would still be stuck raising himself alot of the time. He would still think the sun shined out of David ass thou. He would make excuses for him never being home, that 'his work was too important to abandon', and that 'Dirk was just fine on his own' (he's not).

I think part of the reason David would avoid Dirk, is he knows about the game, how he'll probably die, and lose Dirk. He can't bear to get too close to Dirk, so he just leaves the kid home alone so he doesn't have to face his fears & problems.

[ottiliere]

I've gotten many asks about how Dave actually plays into hospital dirk's life. besides what I talked about in this post, I’ve compiled additional information about him here.

to start off with, I guess, I will say that the beta kids do not exist in this au, to me. i love when people insert them into this and show me OF COURSE but, like, narratively they are not here. i got an ask about this once and I think I answered it with something along the lines of how my creative "mojo" is exclusively contained in a bubble around dirk and how people interact with dirk, and the world dirk lives in in a way that most reflects canon. this is what feels good to me in a narrative sense, and it is what is pleasing to my brain to think about.   guess my standpoint on their involvement in dirk’s narrative is that, PERSONALLY, to me, i do not want them to cross paths. because they didn’t in canon their whole lives I guess.

what I've ultimately decided on for alpha dave were two important scruples:

dave knows dirk exists.

dirk does not know that dave knows he exists (until a certain point).

the conversation of the specifics on how this came about is below.

there are “story plots” brewing in my mind for these two, potential meetings and whatnot. what i was envisioning for the reason he knew dirk existed in the first place was because bro would’ve contacted him at some point and been like btw you have a brother. his name is dirk. you're famous and rich now maybe you can take him because i sure don’t fucking want him. and this wouldve been kinda early on in his career. definitely wealthy enough to raise a child or hire a full-time nanny. but i think he would've been at that stage of fame where it's going to his head and he's a little solipsistic to everything

so he sees this message like an email or whatever from bro and is like. whatever not my fucking problem. because i think he has a lot of resentment towards bro and is not willing to do him a favor, while just as equally (and subconsciously perhaps) avoiding engagement because he has a lot of fucked up memories from that trailer and doesn't want to be confronted with them. there are many excuses mixing together in his mind as to why dirk isn't any of his business. over the years he would think about it A LOT however. and eventually feel really bad about it. and then a few more years pass before he finally gets over that guilt to go see him.

we're basically just taking about alpha dave here

i then hit the upload # limit and had to stitch these together frankenstein-style. sorry. oh god they just rendered into a horribly pixelated mess. i’m so sorry.

i think that’s it. as you can probably tell through our roundabout conversations there was never really a set “plot” in place for any of this, this progression just sort of blooms naturally through beautiful conversation...even if i never execute any of these ideas i still think they’re well-encapsulated in this little artistic bubble. more will be discussed about his and dirk’s potential meetings at some point i’m sure 0_0

[simmonsized]

Mmmm, okay I’ve decided to bug you again. This time it’s for your Bro Strider hcs, it can be as random as you want them to be. Shoot ‘em at me bro!

(Side comment: Mom lalonde’s lack of cooking skills in TRaG kills me every time. I love her <333)

haha you're not bugging me! it's been really fun! this time I will not go on a crazy in-depth rant, because my actual deep dive on Bro Strider's personality, past, and like, general state of being would be embarrassingly long and i refuse to face the mortifying ordeal of being known THAT well like u know, half a million words of nonsense already out there and what have u

BUT i can give u some sillies and they are just. RnG specific, for fun also! (fun for me lol) For canon Bro it's a little too hard bc like.... lmfao the man has no speaking lines, so i'm extrapolating from a 2-D sprite of a version of a guy raised by a demon puppet. Whatever that says about me.

Bro (and D) are both missing a molar on the upper right side, towards the back

Bro got his truck when he was 22, before that, he would carry Dave around on the bus lol

He (like Dirk) doesn't like the crusts on his pizza, but started eating them as the parent of a picky toddler, and I guess never broke that habit, he is a parent down at the center of himself, even if he wouldn't admit it

I headcanon all the Striders as having pretty severe ADHD, just well. Because lol

He has a bunch of the same shirts and shoes because they're "efficient" not because he particularly liked any of them, and I don't think he could be considered particularly fashionable, even if popped collars were, indeed, a thing in 2009

He gets freckles in the sun, which I think he usually manages to avoid with his silly little hat

He's left handed but that's not really a headcanon so much as canon bc hussie is left handed and tends to draw all of them holding swords in their left unless the sprite is flipped haha!

Big Ol' Crush on Jake Harley when he was a kid. Compounded with time and bitterness made for a pretty fraught relationship lol

Bro (obviously) loved Jim Henson as a kid

Hand in hand with that, he's super good at voice impressions, to the point where it's more uncanny and haunting than just like, a little silly

He worked under the table at a car garage after moving into the apartment by himself, and yeah! c:

He was a little ?????? in between 18 and 20, so he started going to college, but dropped out because Dave showed up

Also I headcanon that the kids dropped on Mom and Bro's 20th birthday, due in part to my (regretful) knowledge of the Skaianet files which I don't know if anyone remembers that but like, it mentions grandpa harley picking mom and bro up in 1975

I also have a formula for figuring out the alpha guardians age which is insane but i'm right about it

Bro used to DJ (i mean he has mixing equipment but we all know the smuppets are where the money is at) but Dave was getting too old to leave alone in the car (yes he fucking left his baby in the car don't tell me he wouldn't i know him) so he had to stop

He broke his arm when he was 12 (he fell down the stairs lol)

Bro is afraid of airplanes because he doesn't like being out of control, there's nothing to do, and there are no feasible exits from said plane

He didn't start smoking until he got Dave (unrelated to Cal, but I do think that Cal's influence grew and built over time, and possibly was even more extreme because of Dave's presence, so who knows where he'd be without it)

also neither he nor Mom really know how to cook, Bro a little more than Mom because she spent most of her time drinking and pretending to be a parent without putting the work in and Bro has been on his own basically since teenhood

He and Dave have been to Disneyworld (they got kicked out)

He was really into phreaking payphones as a teenager (lookin at u geometrician)

His first Halloween costume was Sam the Eagle

:)

[desertsfic]

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) wanna share those onions?

(in reference to me saying i have a lot of "onions" which are like opinions, but better, and often times, have layers (y'know, an ogre, perhaps) about alpha dave and his opinions on bro)

Yes, PC, I will share my onions with you. ONCE!!!!!!!!

Okay to start I want to apologize because I'm going to talk about their personalities again. A lot probably. And also apologize to you because we are buddies so I'm going to try to sound less ???? idk i never actually sound academic just slightly unhinged but because we're friends I am going to sound slightly MORE unhinged than usual because i feel weird talking about this lol (WARNING: i'm talking about abuse again who is surprised but also apologies.)

ANYWAY.

TO START: We can refresh and go over the Dave vs Dave vs Bro debate if you want but there is also the Director's Cut on Ch 45 which i feel like covers a lot of the way that the Guardians tend towards thinking of their counterparts as themselves and therefore (at the beginning) have a tendency to treat them as Less-Than-People lol.

NOW.

I mean I think it is pretty clear at first that Dave (we're just going to call him Dave here sorry but assume i mean A!Dave unless i say otherwise) really truly just points right at him and goes "This is Dirk."

He doesn't super know what that means yet like he's got that funky instinct there's a jam in the radio signal in his brain but he knows, the way a guardian is supposed to, that This is Dirk.

but he also perceives him as a threat. I think that is my second favorite thing about their relationship. There is a mutual "oh this dude would fucking eviscerate me huh" between them.

Fortunate for us, then, that Dave is slightly deranged, high on life, and more than a little determined to make Bro his new friend.

I think that there is probably a point where Dave gave up his Hollywood glamor, his persona, his facade, because he did not need it anymore, or he only put it on for special occasions, but I think it's an easy routine for him to slip into, and I think that seeing Bro here, this fucked up concept of Bro-Dude-Irony-And-The-Sincerity-Beneath-It he is so perplexed and somehow jealous he's just like

oh my god he's ridiculous

oh my god i HAVE to know more i think this man might be insane

We're not getting into Dave's Oedipal complex. The jokes write themselves, I am merely the pen through which they flow.

I do think that finding out that Bro died is something like a gut-punch to him. Like there is always going to be a part of him that screams "Failure" at the aspect of his kid (no matter how big, shitty, and disconnected from him) dying, and the fact that Bro is three years younger than he should be in 2012 will always be a reminder of that.

Moving on.

For the sake of this becoming googly doc length, Fairly quickly he finds out that this dude is not just A Dirk but is in fact kind of fucked up. Like, varying levels of fucked up depending on the day but still fucked up. But he doesn't want to admit that he's off because that would mean admitting that Rose is right and he IS in over his head, and it makes it more frustrating and honestly a little heartbreaking the more he gets to know Bro, and when he finds out about the way beta session Dave was raised, in Ch 43.

So okay.

Here is where I sound like a dick.

Here is where I think I might get in trouble with people but like.

I think a lot of people expect Dave to go off on Bro about this, or like, beat him up or some shit idk. I've seen all sorts of things get said but you know the thing is,

The thing is we don't really know much about how Bro and Alpha Dave grew up? and at least in this case, and it's kind of hard to explain because i'm not excusing it but i'm not sure we can rule out the concept that the relationship between Dirk and a!Dave would have been, if Dave had raised Dirk, complicated after all. Would Dave have trained Dirk to use a sword? he didn't have Cal so surely even if he had it wouldn't have been that bad but at the same time what makes teaching someone to use their Strife Specibus "okay" vs "not okay"? Whatever Mom and Rose had going on was a fucking nightmare, and beyond John and Dad fighting with shaving cream and cake, everything else looks??? super fucking bad lol

Anyway so I guess I do wonder to a point, what he would think, in that scenario

but we are not in that scenario

the scenario we are in is that a survivor of a hostile alien takeover (though can we call him a survivor if he died?) is confronted with the fact that the alternate version of someone he considers to be his kid, abused a kid version of him, was cruel and unkind and unforgiving in all aspects of their relationship.

But that's a hard fucking thing to grasp. That's a hard concept to tackle because at this point, we have a dude who has watched people die, who has killed people, who hasn't even SEEN a kid due to the condesce and all her weird shit I guess idk i don't remember canon, whatever, in YEARS, probably, so what does it mean to him that a kid who he doesn't even know beyond his own point of reference, himself, suffered at the hands of a Dirk?

Like, how do you grapple with that? Does he have the right to be mad? IS he mad? does it make him angry? or does it make him pity them both, to a point. Is he angry, but frustrated, beyond that, because it's so fucking obvious that both of them are miserable, and later, when he pushes Bro over it, and Bro basically says he doesn't WANT to do it again but that he would do whatever was necessary for the timeline, does THAT make him mad not because Bro is excusing his behavior but because he won't even fucking admit that he actively chose a decision that hurt himself the most??

I don't even know if he'd be protective over Dave or DS for it. Tbh I don't really think so. Neither of them particularly like him, and it's clear at this point, to Dave, that they are both hanging their little hopes on the Get Bro Better program lol. I don't even think A!Dave WOULD do anything unless possibly DIRK asked him to. because. waves hand at complicated Dave vs Dave bullshit. Like, Dave's happiness fully hinges on Dirk's happiness. If Dirk wanted him to do something, he would. but he doesn't. So he never will.

Shittily, to quote myself, "Bro Strider is not a good man, or wasn’t a good man, but for whatever fucked up reason, your kid cannot rest until he learns to redeem himself. However long that takes."

Idk. it's complicated. I think a part of him really resents Bro for it, because he DID have the an opportunity to grow up with Dave, something he never had, he never even got the CHOICE, and he fucked it up so irreparably that none of them will be able to take it back, not ever ever ever. He had the opportunity to love his kid and be loved by his kid and he fucked it up. It's not FAIR. None of what Sburb handed them was FAIR but Bro made the worst choice and it impacted them both so fucking bad that it rippled through the timeline, and now Dave has to deal with Dirk feeling responsible for something he didn't even DO. it's just. a lot.

What would beating up Bro accomplish? Killing him? Nothing, because he thinks he deserves it, because it's what he wants, because it's the easier way out.

I don't feel like I need to outright spell out that Lil Cal is basically an allegory for substance abuse in this scenario but. I also won't let us excuse Bro's actions as "Not Him" because of something as flimsy as "mind control" lol.

The whole point is that Bro is a Dirk, and he is a Dirk in the most extreme way (this is all part 2 stuff but like. C'mon. it's relevant, i know you know that). He is a version of Dirk who was bent cruel and believed so much more in fulfilling his own vision that he didn't stop think about the consequences. Or maybe he did, maybe he didn't care. We don't know. It's a lot. It's a whole lot all the time.

So where does that leave us? Where does that leave them?

Basically, I don't think David in this scenario has any right at all to properly judge Bro like some kind of fucking, court room drama. I just don't see that in the cards, man.

I do think that from Dave's perspective there is a level of "we have both done bad things for a purpose we assumed was greater" which is not necessarily healthy, but unfortunately rings true, a certain amount. He sees the similarities between them. That is part of the reason they get along so well, I think. There is a level of understanding that they are not who they used to be, or are trying to be different now, and more than that Dave, fucked up as it is, believes in him. and I think Bro needs this weird, semi-uncomplicated relationship with a Dave who he has not hurt before, who knows he's fucked up, but wants to be around him anyway, but without all the baggage.

It's not perfect, of course, and they still run into a lot of infuriating walls of horseshit, but I do think that Dave genuinely likes him, and believes he can be better, too, if he just puts in some serious fucking effort for once, jesus christ.

So that is just like. The bare minimum of my onions on their relationship. yes.

[sabotdrop]

HandDave (or: how I found a way to make Dirk even more fucked up)

So apparently there was this old, pre-Act VI theory that Alpha!Dave would become Lord English’s new servant as a reflection of the Handmaid. I decided to try my hand at figuring out how this might have worked.

-First off, I’d like to thank this post for introducing me to this theory (MAJOR EPILEPSY WARNING) https://www.deviantart.com/elycien/art/The-Emissary-262571445

-Second off, for reasons I’ll be merging this with one of my big headcanons; that being Alpha!Dave and Alpha!Rose being in the future with their descendants, raising them directly in this version. Broadly, I think it’s more logical than the canon version and it sets up some important stuff latter on.

-So, the big divergence here is that when Alpha!Dave & Alpha!Rose square off against the Condesce, she allows Dave to kill her. This results in Dave inheriting her curse, gaining immortality and immense power in exchange for eternal service to Lord English. As Dave loses control, he tells Rose to flee, and she promises to keep Dirk and Roxy safe before escaping; just before LE assumes full (if indirect) control.

-Dave, freshly dubbed “The Emissary”, assumes control of the Condesce’s schemes on Earth-B, running things from the shadows, setting the stage for SBURB. Alpha!Rose, after taking temporary custody of Dirk, dies fighting off Imperial drones in attempt to protect both a group of Human survivors and her children. In the process, the twins are split up, Roxy flees with the main group while a freshly activated Hal guides Dirk to safety. It’s almost a year before the soon-to-be heroes of Heart and Void are able to speak to eachother again. -Now, imagine, for a moment, that you are Dirk Strider. You remember your Bro, quite well as a matter of fact. He raised you, trained you, taught you, cared for you more than anything else in the world. Good Bro, best Bro. For all you know, he died years ago, and as a hero for that matter. - Now imagine, yet again, that you are Dirk Strider, only slightly further along in the timeline. You’ve been in the game for a while now, and nothing’s really going anywhere. Apparently you’re gonna get to meet an alternate universe version of your Bro at some point. That sounds pretty neat. -Now imagine, for a final time, that you are Dirk Strider. You’ve been sitting in a Dersite cell for hours now and it’s starting to get to you. You hear shuffling outside your door, the Carapacian guards making way for the Empress herself. “Ahh,” you think, “it’s just like her to come torture her captives personally, isn’t it.”. The cell doors part, and you see…

…

N-No. This, this cant be right. “B-Bro?” -Jesus, when I was drafting this in the discord I swear I made at least 2 people cry. I don’t think you could make an AU that fucks up Dirk more if you tried (or at least, you’d have to try REALLY hard). I mean, Christ, the way Dirk talks about Bro in canon, he makes him sound like a damn Saint. Bro meant everything to him. Just imagine how messed up Dirk would be by all this. And gog help him if The Emissary goes down fighting like Condy did in canon. And if Dirk has to be the one to do it… fuck, man. -And that’s not even mentioning how Beta!Dave would react to this. In canon, Dave is pretty damn unnerved by the mere thought of his Doomed Timeline clones, so having a superpowered evil version of him running around probably wouldn’t help cool his nerves. But beyond that, Alpha!Dave is everything Beta!Dave wishes he could’ve had. He’s smart, he’s funny, he’s caring, he’s compassionate. He’s everything Dave wants to be, everything he wishes his Bro could’ve been. But seeing all this happen… I shudder what it would do to him.

[vikkirosko]

I have already written about Dave, Dirk, Bro, Alpha Dave and Hal. It's time to add a cute bird to this list

🕶 Davesprite x Reader headcanons 🐥

Davesprite had a lot of problems that others didn't think about. And one of those problems was his feelings. His feelings for you

In his timeline, you died in front of him. He had a lot of things he wanted to tell you in person. He wanted to confess his feelings, but did not have time. You died almost instantly. And now, looking at you from this time line, he can't decide to do it. Looking at you, so warm, breathing, alive, he can't say what he wanted so much. After all, you didn't need his feelings. After all, Dave was just as alive in this time line

You were on the ship with John, Jade and the sprites. Davesprite normally communicated with you, but he was uneasy at heart. He really wanted to hug you. Make sure that you are alive and that this is not an illusion. Even though he understood that you are not from his time line. But the memory of your death was still fresh in his mind

You treated Davesprite as an individual, not as a replacement for Dave. You liked talking to him, playing video games with him, and watching movies. Usually all this took place in the company of John and Jade. But there were times when you and Davesprite spent time alone

You really liked to touch Davesprite. Stroked his hair, stroked his feathers. This caused him mixed emotions. But with every sign of your attention, his heart bled. He didn't want to be a substitute. Therefore, he decided to take a desperate step. He decided to start dating Jade

It would seem that you were happy for your two friends. But since Jade told you that they started dating, it's like you've been avoiding them. Every time you found yourself with Davesprite and Jade, you hurried away, justifying yourself by saying that you did not want to interfere with them. Davesprite did not understand such changes of yours. He didn't even notice how often he began to talk about it with Jade

No matter what topic Jade raised, Davesprite's thoughts returned to you and to worrying about you. He didn't understand what was happening to you. When he asked John if he knew what was going on, he said he had no idea what was going on. This gave him the idea that he had offended you in some way. He thought about it a lot until Jade decided to break up with him

When he asked the reason for the breakup, Jade said that Davesprite does not have feelings for her and that his every look is directed at you. Davesprite didn't know what to do. Were his feelings for you so obvious?

Davesprite came to you to talk. He wanted to clarify the situation. He wanted to get your old relationship back. He didn't want to lose you

When his eyes met yours, he felt his heart skip a beat. You smiled at him. But there was longing in your eyes

"Listen, what's going on?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Since Jade and I started dating, you've been avoiding us constantly, even now that we've broken up, you continue to avoid us. What happened? Have I offended you in some way?"

You shook your head negatively and lowered your eyes to the floor

"I like you..."

Davesprite smiled wistfully. Of course you like Dave

"You will see him soon and you will be able to tell him this in person"

You looked at him. There were tears in your eyes

"I love you stupid! Not Dave, but you!"

Davesprite froze. And you kept talking

"That's why I've been avoiding you and Jade! Because I didn't want to spoil everything with my feelings!"

Davesprite leaned forward and hugged you. Your body was shaking. You were crying

"I love you..."

"I love you too"

For the first time since becoming a sprite, he was happy. You were there for him. Warm, breathing, alive. Loving him. Davesprite was really happy

[dirk-has-rabies]

Bro Strider (ongoing as i add more sources)

im gunna clear something up for the people on tiktok (and probably other places) who think that just cuz they read the wiki that means they know everything about a character and their underlying story and personality.

Bro strider has a background. 

a statement that shouldnt be considered bold or cancelable.

let me start of by saying that this is an explanation NOT an excuse for his actions. Bro strider is abusive yes, that is not the argument, but HE doesnt think he did wrong.

pg 48 book 3 “in round 1 of daves strife with bro, he warms up against his old puppet sparing buddy, lil cal. bro operates cal so fast you cant see him. it is suggested this is a pretty common battle routine for the strider brothers, an extreme training regime to prepare dave for battle. its almost like bros training him to face the last boss. or it would be if the last boss had the slightest thing to do with this creepy puppet,which of course is preposterous.”

bro knew dave was coming before he was even born which we know since he was waiting with a pair of tiny shades for the meteor carrying dave. 

he orders an extra copy of the game not for himself but for dave just to make sure he can get in the game because he KNOWS that the end is coming. 

the first thing he does besides joke around and train with dave is save his life by cutting the meteor in half and then upon entering the game he instantly goes to the biggest boss he can find to fight so dave will be safer. 

bro is influenced and corrupted by lil cal. cal from day one is a juju containing the soul of caliborn, gamzee, and arquiussprite. the cal that bro has is a future version of the cal that dirk goes to earth with and an even MORE future version of the cal in daves nightmares. cal is corrupt and corrupts and controls those around him. He can move when bro isnt alive or around because he can have YOU move him. he has bro, dave, and gamzee move him in canon, dave not even realizing hes doing it himself. not even bec nior can turn away from cals influence as he disposes all the “trophies” except him as cal needs to move along to “hatch” so he has bec keep him. doc scratch literally calls him “the most important character is homestuck” even caliborn calls the evil puppet for what it is by telling alphadirk to chuck him out as he is a “nightmare who curses all who live in the same universe as it” 

staring into cals eyes brings out insanity (as seen by both gamzee and jack doing this) this is why bro and dave wear shades. it protects them from the puppet which he is tasked to protect and serve by fate. 

even dave calls out the puppet for being a large factor in bros personality on page 7749 of homestuck

DAVE: i guess it didnt help either that we lived with what we have come to understand may theoretically be the most evil doll to exist in any universe ever DAVE: in fact its my tenuous understanding that he came down to earth with that thing and like actually grew up with it DAVE: maybe... DAVE: maybe spending 30 some years being unseparable from that hell puppet had some effect on him?? DAVE: maybe if it hadnt been casting a pall over our apartment 24/7 since he took me in...

according to the skaianet documents: “He(jake) just set up an infant from the sky named Dirk(bro) down in Texas with a trust fund, setting him on a path to be of use to the company.” proving that bro grows up knowing about the game and is influenced by cal and HIC to get ppl to enter the game so she may take over. 

Bro cares about dave. Bro loves him truly, he just doesnt know how to do it correctly. a big part of his story resonates with people that were forced to help raise their siblings and ended up being the bad guy since the parent who should of been raising the kids never taught them how to do it correctly. bro was just a year or two over 20 when dave landed (hes 32/33 when dave is 13 according to hussie) he was not trained on how to raise a kid (not to mention all of dirk and bro is autism coded so most of his problems correlate with that) he was only trained to fight and to train others to fight. and so thats what he did. 

[p1nkwitch]

Can I also ask you about homestuck for the blorbo ask? I'm actually quite curious about your answers for this one 👁️

Of course! I always love to talk homestuck. Ah its been a while.

blorbo (favorite character, character I think about the most)

Gamzee Makara my son how have they butchered you and turned you into a joke...

I love him, similarly enough as with Peter, lonely kid, raised on a weird religions who was mostly abandoned by his guardian? sIGN ME THE FUCK IN. The fact that Karkat was his best friend and his moirall killed me in a good way, i was so angry that it got ruined and that they ended up turning his character into an evil deux ex machina plus an asshole in every way. He was also just a kid and he was utterly fucked from the begining due to his blood caste and basically everything else! He had no chance to win or have a happy ending. So yeah i love him and i have feelings about him and what was done to the kid.

scrunkly (my “baby”, character that gives me cuteness aggression, character that is So Shaped)

Roxy Lalonde, Vodka Mutini and John! Listen one is a cat i know, but Roxy and John were the highlight to me during the entirety of the last act, every time i saw them i was happy, their relationship was cute, they literally were hope incarnated and i will always hold them dearly to my heart no matter what. John grew on me as a protagonist and Roxy overcame her troubles and was all around a good friend to everyone.

I stan this two and want nothing more than to hold their cheeks and squeeze them.

scrimblo bimblo (underrated/underappreciated fave)

The mailwoman, she went utterly murder stabby and once her job was done she went back to being her normal self to work on the thing she loved the most. She takes no shit from anyone and she will kick your ass.

Also Aradia cause i love her and she is cool as fuck.

glup shitto (obscure fave, character that can appear in the background for 0.2 seconds and I won’t shut up about it for a week)

Technically its not obscure... But like every small appeareance of my boy davesprite made my day. I was always looking for them to reference my boy or making sure he was still alive. Davepetasprite is also my child and i adore them as well, but i will always favour the fanta child first.

poor little meow meow (“problematic”/unpopular/controversial/otherwise pathetic fave)

Bro Strider and Spades Slick. Bro because well, he ended up being horrible, then again we will never be sure if it was fully him or if lil Cal messed him up to the extreme, i feel he is compelling to be honest.

Spades Slick was cool as fuck and i will remain bitter that he got killed and we got Jack Noir as a trade, its not the same, that man was Karkats sort of mentor and he was hilarious, plus he and Ms Paint were cute. Did he murder a lot? Yes, did he try to kill Hussie? Yes. He was the best character there was.

horse plinko (character I would torment for fun, for whatever reason)

Dirk and Karkat, im sorry for Karkat, but by the end of the comic he was... a shadow of his former self in many ways, so a bit of torture will have to do.

Dirk pissed me off a lot too, he had his moments where i enjoyed him greatly, but oh boy did they get interrupted by some weird fucked up shit he did.

eeby deeby (character I would send to superhell)

Caliborn, every singly time he appeared i wanted to skip his text beceuse he was annoying, i knew he would be ending up as lord english but like, god his teen self was just so obnoxious i wanted him to die already.

[davekat-sucks]

I was thinking about the whole "Bro was abusive" thing again and i still don't think HE was abusive, let me explain why i emphasized that "HE". BUT let me get one thing out of the way first: i doubt Hussie had planned for Lil Cal too be a combination of 4 different guys at first, i do think Cal was supposed to be an evil puppet controlling Bro too an extent, but since canon its now that Cal is 4 dudes i thought I'd make a lil analysis. I think Bro was being fully possessed by lil Cal, I do not think his actions were technically his own, I'll get into why i say "technically". Like i stated earlier Cal is a combination of 4 guys (i guess 3 and half if you want too be THAT technical) being, Caliborn, Lil Hal, Equius, and half of Gamzee. Lil Cal's design also takes influence from aspects of those characters, he has Caliborns face, his shirt is the same color as Equius's blood, he wears a hat referencing the strider aspect, I'll be honest i cant exactly say where Gamzees influence comes in, I'd probably pin it on the laughing Cal does but whatever. Even stuff Bro "does himself" reflect this, the snuff filming, the rapping, the fighting, the crude comic making, etc, all of those things are something THOSE GUYS do. The point is Cal IS a combo of these guys, he is literally THEM. I think the best way too explain how Bro was possessed by Cal is like Pixars Inside out, instead of Riley it's Bro and instead of the Emotions it's Caliborn, Hal, Equius, and Gamzee, all forcing Bro too do those actions, ALL of them had an imput in raising Dave. But let's get into that "technically" now, Lil Hal is Dirk, Dirk is Bro, while everyone else was doing their bullshit while being Cal i think Hal was the nurturing part of Bro, we've seen how Hal/Dirk can care for people so i think it's safe too say he was the one responsible for protecting Dave and caring for Dave. I didn't put quotations around "part" last sentence was because Hal IS Bro technically, probably the only true and real part of the ACTUAL Bro. So technically Bro wasn't the abusive one, he was the caring part through Hal which IS him, it was Caliborn, Equius, and Gamzee were the abusive "parts" of Bro.

That is an interesting way to look at it. I can certainly see how parts of each one taking control to have Bro raise and care for Dave in different ways. Things like sparring would come from the sides of ARquius (Lil Hal and Equius), since both have been known to train and fight [Lil Hal on training Jake and Equius fighting with his robots]. Gamzee, Equius, and Dirk have an interest in rap/slam poetry. Equius and Caliborn have an interests in arts (Equius love for hoofbeast while Dirk & Caliborn do drawing). Setting up the porn bots to talk to each other (to having like an AI), would come from Dirk/Lil Hal/Auto Responder. Makes me feel sorry for Bro that his mind would be fucked because of this.