#I like essay Andy-ing

[wildpeachfarm]

Ok anyone else reading this who doesn't know me as well as Moku; all of this is the opinion of someone who's been watching Jacksepticeye and Markiplier since 2012/2013, and is also incredibly loud themselves. We're talking ultra stan, I've been to both of their youtuber liveshows and have signed merch.

Jack lost a little bit of relevancy. It's (mostly) not his fault, as time passes some youtubers fade or quit and while it's sad (thumps fist against chest then raises it to sky, Matpat Game Theory) it's the cycle of life, and the life of youtube is not something that can be kept up forever. Jack is not pulling the same views he used to- and to be fair to him he's not the only one, Mark also sometimes doesn't pull the same views, its the cycle of life. Not all of it is Jack's fault.

HOWEVER.

Jack did also shoot himself in the foot a little bit. He started doing less collabs, something that always helps with combating less relevancy. For comparison, Mark still does collabs all the time (tbf with the same two/three people, bob wade and ethan, but he still does them). Jack also started changing his content a few years back. Instead of just gaming videos, what he's always done, he started adding in react andy content- meme time reddit reactions, tiktok compliations, cringe comps, epic fails, that kind of thing. There's no harm necessarily in reaching out to try new content but it always does come with risk.

He also changed how he posts videos. Idk about yall but 30min to 1hr is my golden zone for videos. 1.5hrs max (or 3hrs max for a vod). He was/is uploading full games as 1 video. 4hrs plus. Saw one even that was 12 hours. Clickbait titles. Or titles that are just "(game name)- full game". For me this was a personal turnoff. I don't have the attention span for content that long.

He also, and this is the potentially upsetting part to people as I know my comments will butt heads with Irish culture and stereotypes, but like, he didn't "get with the times". The way he yells and overreacts in videos is very 2010 youtube era. Yes some of his volume control is due to being Irish, I get that, I also have volume control issues, but sometimes it's reminiscent of like. Jake Paul videos. Ricegum videos. Even with a nostalgia bias it's hard to swallow sometimes and I'll click back off a video.

For comparison, Mark still does (although limited) collabs, and interacts with other youtubers in the community. Mark has stuck to similar/the same content he's been known to make, and although he does branch out (A Heist, In Space, Iron Lung, sponsered videos, or other video game genres) he usually still sticks to what he's known for- horror video games, and has stuck to the same video lengths with only a few variations for reasons that are usually extremely understandable. And this is less of a fair comparison because Mark was never "loud" to begin with, so while he did tone himself down he did not have to tone himself down as much as Jack in theory would.

My speculation is that Jack is taking the "lost a little bit of relevancy" a little bit too hard, a little bit too personal, RSD style (we know for a fact he has ADHD). Whereas Mark (and again I'm trying to make this as fair a comparison as possible, Mark is also ADHD) hasn't taken it personally because he seems to recognize any loss in viewership is not his fault but rather just a fact of times changing and people growing older. While I can't recall if Jack has ever said anything on the same lines, I can recall Mark on multiple occasions saying he could never quit youtube or making videos, because even if he's "only making one single person happy with his videos, that's still one person he's making their day better". Less of a views thing for Mark, and more of how Dream sees videos and content creation- trying to bring joy and happiness to people. Idk if Jack has ever said anything like that, or if he has it's not something I can currently recall so it was likely a once-off, whereas I remember Mark and Dream saying those things because they've both talked about it multiple times.

Essay Andy Echo out.

This is so interesting, thank you Echo 🫶

[oxventurequotes]

What's your favourite of the Oxventure series? Is it the D&D, the BitD, the One Shot Wobders or the Deadlands? Asking because I am just genuinely curious.

hihihi!!! this is like, the trickiest question i could get bc oxventure in all its forms is fucking incredible lmao and i am very, very prepared to write an essay on the subject so tldr: probs the d&d if i had to choose but i love them all equally, wall of text ft me ranting abt how much I like oxventure under the cut.

oxventure d&d is my favourite in the way of if i was held at knifepoint and made to pick a fave yknow? it was the first d&d related anything that i’d ever watched, and im very very nostalgic for the earlier episodes in the basement of loading bar. theyre my comfort vids, theyre a safe place to take my mind to when it’s all a bit much or if new oxboxtra content is overwhelming because im very autistic and new content is sometimes very hard. also, i love seeing how oxboxtra has grown from their awkward kinda-roleplaying-kinda-not winging it through the spicy rat caper to really understanding and manipulating the mechanics of the game whilst maintaining several threads of really uplifting and entertaining story.

i also think that the d&d (and for that matter, gaming as a whole) part of the internet doesn’t cherish johnny chiodini enough because their dm-ing throughout the entirety of oxventure has been nothing short of fucking stellar, like, since day one they have brought nothing but passion and patience. they are so fucking funny and personable and seem to know exactly where the story needs to turn to come to a satisfying close. they’ve made being a dm into an art form and i hope they know that. more people appreciate johnny challenge.

blades in the dark, though, is also very close to my heart because its darker and more serious and everyone is a little more settled into the concept of roleplaying that they really begin to experiment with their characters, and it is a delight. also, luke. fucking luke westaway and his questionable voice acting and his fantabulous imaginarium. Oh my fucking god luke. fucking hell. was it not enough to be a funny internet man. was it not enough to make very good music. must you also create meaningful stories and mysteries and uhgjfgf luke.

and i could go on and on about “but the one shots!” because they’re so fucking funny and “but deadlands!” because its brilliant to see yet more characters (and gm cowboy andy! my prayers answered!) and there’s the rub. if i think about it for more than five minutes, i can’t choose a favourite, i just really fucking love oxventure as a whole. im so glad that it became more than a one-off d&d playthrough and im so glad they’re making something of it because that’s what it deserves.

as a group they have such fantastic chemistry that its hard not to believe that the whole channel wasn’t originally dedicated to ttrpgs in the first place. it's obvious the love they have for these games and these stories and it's such a love letter to the idea of found families and hfjfshdfidsfhsf idk im very brainrotted abt them

sorry for the actual fucking essay oh my god

[minamotoz]

on the topic of andi mack why dont we talk about the shows awful treatment of its black characters because it was god awful lmfao. walker was perfectly fine, one of the best reoccuring characters imo, but the way they wrote him out of the show was clunky and awful. the out of nowhere characterization of him being a 'player' who gave every girl painted shoes (at least i think, forgive me its been 2-3 yrs since i last watched the show lmfao) was so sudden and completely out of character for someone who has been a nice, gentleman-ly character up until that point. they had no reason to suddenly antagonize him other than to officially end the stupid wandi vs wuffy triangle that no one ever liked anyways and to set up muffy endgame (which also sucked ass but thats a completely different essay) and kira. well. you see kira had a lot of potential, especially to be a narrative foil to buffy, being a bit more extreme version of buffys problem with being overcompetitive in s1. but the writers just COMPLETELY dropped the bar on kira. like ah yes, one of our only black characters! lets turn her into a one note homophobic manipulative shitbag with no redeeming qualities! i could genuinely go on about how pointless the s3B tyrus drama was, how its only purpose was to extend the time it took for tj and cyrus to get together because god forbid we let the gay characters get together before the finale! or just how awful s3b was in general for a multitude of reasons (looking at you marty) but tldr the am writers cant treat their black characters well for shit, except for buffy, who still got put with the worst written character on the show in the worst relationship that arguably makes her a worse character. (sorry for all the muffy hate it just slips out when i talk abt this show)

[rwprincess]

Midnight Sun'd Prologue (Brian Johnson x Fem!Reader)

Masterlist

Word Count: 10.5K (She like...20 pages long. Sorry).

Synopsis: My movie/Canon Prologue, but from Brian’s POV. That’s right, I’m Midnight Sun-ing this b*tch.

CW: Underage marijuana smoking, suicidal ideation, self-deprecating thoughts/self-doubt, low self-esteem, swearing, child abuse, parents being terrible, sexuality (since this is based on the movie, nothing is really outside the scope of the movie in terms of content).

Saturday, March 24th, 1984

Shermer High School, Shermer Illinois

Brian knew why he was here. In fact, he thanked his lucky stars that Saturday school, or detention, rather, had been his punishment. If this hadn’t been an extremely out-of-character first offense for him, he surely would have been suspended, or even expelled. His family had made their disappointment clear, especially when his mother told him to find a way to study and make amends today, even if he was asked to just sit in a room with strangers and reflect on what he did. When he arrived in the library, he was surprised to see Claire Standish already sitting there. She, of course, did not look up or make eye contact with him, but he chose to sit at the table behind her nonetheless. Before he could gather the courage to ask her what a popular, polished girl like herself could possibly be doing here, another two figures approached the doorway. Andrew Clark’s large, stocky frame loomed there for a moment before excitedly spying Claire. Again, no attempt was made to include Brian; he was practically invisible at this school, which was a big part of his underlying problems and self esteem here at Shermer High. It wasn’t so much that Brian wanted or needed popular people like Claire or Andrew to notice him. He didn’t really look up to them or desire their attention. It was just that, sometimes, it felt like everyone looked through him, as though he wasn’t even there. Adults acknowledged him, sure. He was polite and an overachiever, the perfect student. But his peers didn’t take much stock in him. He had a few loyal, true friends, but rarely did anyone outside of his particular interest groups reach out to him.

As Brian settled into a seat behind Claire, he took note of the second figure who had entered, the one who came in shortly after Andrew. It was her. Brian had to restrain himself from gawking when she entered the library, as she was one of the absolute last people he could ever picture earning a detention. Brian knew her from his English class last year; he had been stunned by her beauty the moment she entered the room that first day of high school and felt the same nervous, heart-pounding sensation he felt now, seeing her enter the library. He lamentably had zero classes with her this year, but he would see her in the hallways sometimes and that old familiar feeling would come rushing back to him, reminding him of the crush he had on her all last year. Back then, he had sat behind her, across the room and would catch himself staring at her or admiring her answers and volunteered opinions. His strong suit was in the more concrete subjects: science, math, that sort of thing. So the insightful analyses she would give always impressed him, and through them he got the sense that she was smart but also kind. This was precisely why he was shocked to see her here now, having earned the same consequence he had for bringing a weapon into school. But he couldn’t imagine her doing anything like that, anything to warrant this. He not-so-discreetly watched her as she hurried across the room and took a seat in the front row opposite to him. She, like Claire and Andrew, had not made eye contact or acknowledged him. Her seeing right through him hurt more, though.

Brian had sat down, but had not quite unpacked as he was still reeling from the revelation of Y/N being in the same detention as him, and that meant he would be in the same room as her for nine hours. He hadn’t even noticed John Bender stalk into the library, surveying the landscape that he was clearly king of. That is, until Bender stopped in front of him and snapped his fingers to get his attention and indicated for him to move out of his seat. Even if Brian weren’t the type to try to accommodate someone, a people pleaser, he would have followed John Bender’s instructions. Everyone in school knew of his reputation, and while some things were probably a lie (like throwing flaming toilet paper over Mrs. Applebaum’s house), some were definitely true, including his penchant for getting into fights. Brian had never had to fight someone before and he was pretty sure he lacked the capability to do so. Simply put: he would get his ass kicked. So he got up immediately and moved to the next seat over...right behind Y/N. He noticed that she stiffened, sat up straighter, as he slid into the seat behind her. So she had noticed his existence. But from her body language, he assumed that she didn’t particularly enjoy his presence. ‘Great. Perfect way to start this whole shitty day,’ he thought. At one point, Brian would have fancied himself an optimist, but lately that attitude was all but gone...not that his current situation helped much.

He also noticed the girl with black clothes, heavy makeup, and messy hair quickly walk along the outside of the tables and sit behind him, facing away from not only himself, but the entire group. He raised his eyebrows in disbelief, ‘Should be an interesting time,’ he thought while taking stock of her, Bender, the populars, and...Y/N. It still puzzled him that she could be here. Bender made total sense. Everyone knew that he practically lived here in detention. Based on how she looked and seemed to make herself comfortable, Brian guessed that the girl behind him also was a regular here. While he didn’t exactly expect Claire or Andy to be here, he wasn’t hugely shocked by it. Claire probably skipped school or was rude to a teacher or something and Andrew was an asshole anyway. He fit into the jock stereotype pretty well, all brawn and no brains, picking on those that he saw as weaker than him. Maybe that’s why he was here.

Vice Principal Vernon walked haughtily in, looking down on each and every one of them; a lord surveying his fiefdom. Brian’s posture stiffened as he both tried to show respect and unconsciously showed his fear of the man. The last conversation with him had also involved his parents and that was abhorrent, a total disaster. The recollection of the event made him nauseous. Right after he spoke, Claire raised her hand, “Excuse me sir, I think there’s been a mistake. I know it’s detention, but, um...I don’t think I belong in here.” Internally, Brian rolled his eyes. He didn’t really know Claire (he suspected that no one really truly did), but he had always been under the impression that she was full of herself. All of the popular clique seemed to be that way, just full of arrogance. And here she was announcing how she was better than all of them in front of them. Vernon completely ignored her statement and told them it was 7:06, on the dot. Brian quickly looked down at his watch and aligned it to Vernon’s time. He was very particular about organization and precision.

As Vernon started his speech about rules, Brian tried to shift slightly over, get comfortable. But Vernon looked right into him and Brian could swear he saw into the depths of his soul as he said, “You will not move from these seats,” and pointed right at him. He froze like a deer in the headlights and quickly moved back. Brian had almost always blindly followed authority and now was definitely not the time to change that. Vernon continued and Brian only half-listened, looking around to gauge how the rest of the group was reacting, until he heard him say, “Good. So, maybe you’ll decide whether or not you care to return-” He saw this as the perfect time to redeem himself and started to stand up, raising his hand.

“Um, you know, I can answer that right now, sir. And that would be a no for me-”

“Sit down, Johnson.”

“Thank you, sir.” Brian sat back down, gulping. His embarrassment was only made worse noticing that Y/N had turned around to look at him when he started speaking. He wasn’t so invisible now, just his luck.

*~~~~*

There was little to no surprise that Bender antagonized the group. His main targets seemed to be Claire and Andrew, but he was making snide or crude remarks to everyone, and this made Brian very uneasy. He hated conflict and confrontation, which was probably why he had brought a flare gun to school rather than talk to his Shop teacher about replacing his failing grade or talk to his parents about how much he was truly struggling. He tried to take his mom’s advice about just doing work. He tried to convince the others to just write their assigned essays and not end up in a fight, but it didn’t work. He reasoned that he could at least do the right thing, but he couldn’t help but keep getting drawn into their conversations. It was almost like watching a trashy soap opera...or a staged wrestling match. “Go to hell!” Claire screamed at Bender, and Brian looked nervously to the door. Vernon surely heard that and would come storming back in, right?

But he didn’t, so Andy continued their conversation and got in a new dig at Bender, “You know, Bender, you don’t even count. If you disappeared forever it wouldn’t make any difference. You may as well not even exist anymore.” Brian gulped, thinking about his recent and frequent thoughts about how he himself ‘may as well not even exist anymore.’ He was doing...okay since the day he had had a semi-plan to take his own life, but the feelings didn’t just stop. He was still failing Shop, of all classes. He was still a disappointment and burden to his parents. He was still invisible at school, to Y/N. None of that went away when Mr. Ryan found the gun in his locker. Bender turned Andrew’s comment around and said he’d go out and join some clubs.

Now, Brian saw his opportunity to be less invisible, maybe. “I’m in a math club!” He blurted out. No dice. Bender and Claire just continued bickering, ignoring him completely. But he couldn’t help it when he stated “I’m in the Physics Club, too,” in their direction just hoping, praying that someone would acknowledge him. He hadn’t counted on that person being Y/N, though. She’d turned slightly towards him and his blue eyes flickered to hers and he froze. Having been lost in the argument between the others, he had almost forgotten that she was there. She gave him a gentle smile and a nod that made him gulp. He’d suddenly failed to remember how to breathe, how to function and his mind was only filled with a channel of ‘Oh shit. She’s looking at me.’

But then she added, “I’m in the Drama Club.” Of course, he knew that, but it was still nice for her, of all people, to be making conversation with him. He was immediately forced to snap out of it, though, when Bender addressed him.

“Excuse me a sec. What are you babbling about?” While Brian hated the look John gave him (it was much too similar to his parents’ frustrated looks when he was clearly ‘bothering’ them with something), Brian felt compelled to answer. He had wanted to be noticed, to be involved in the conversation, right?

“Well, what I’d said was, I’m in the Math Club, the Latin Club, uh, and the Physics Clu-Physics Club,” he stumbled through his words nervously. He felt regret instantly as Bender turned it around as a slight on Claire, and also managed to insult him by calling him a dork in the process. Still, he yearned for his attention and approval, so he eagerly answered John’s follow up questions. He just wanted to get along with everyone and have them accept him, and even though John was just using his input as ammunition against Claire, he liked that he was at least being included.

*~~~~*

It was a long, dragging morning. It was only around 10AM and topics of conversation seemed to already run out. Everyone was now more or less keeping to themselves. At first, Brian thought about writing his essay, as he said he planned to, but why bother? There were still many hours to fill, and how was he possibly supposed to answer the prompt of Who Am I? He truly did not know. He’d actually been pondering that a lot lately. All of his life he was praised for his smarts, but the ‘real world’ was showing him that that didn’t mean jack shit. Sure, he could understand difficult concepts and dissect complex equations, but that meant nothing if he couldn’t apply it. He thought he was taking the easy way out with Shop. It was meant to be a class he didn’t have to worry about; a stress-free A to keep his GPA up while juggling various clubs and volunteer opportunities to put on his college applications next year. But it ended up being a total nightmare. He was absolutely terrible at it, and he had never failed at anything before. Now the burn-outs and underachievers had the upper hand and were able to make their projects work and look good and he had...nothing. He failed so miserably that it tanked his self-esteem and now he was stuck in an identity crisis. It was much too early on a Saturday to confront those demons, so instead he chose to sit and daydream. And subconsciously, as with many teenage boys, his attention fell to girls. As much as he thought Claire was self-centered and spoiled, he had to admit that she was attractive. She carefully curated herself to be so. She had perfect, beautiful red hair that was never out of place, flawless makeup, perfectly fitting chic clothes...and she was staring into space licking and biting her lip, which had him completely flustered. Y/N only added to it by adjusting and stretching in her seat. Her beauty was more effortless than Claire’s, or at least seemed less...intentional. She did not have the designer clothes and her hair was more natural than trendy but alluring in her own right, and the way she was pushing her chest out was not helping. He could feel the shift and tightness in his khakis and tried to nonchalantly clear his throat, but now Y/N was turned three-quarters around and could clearly see him, so he tried to sneak his hat into his lap and acted like nothing was going on by setting his head on the desk. ‘Oh shit. Oh fuck.’ were the chorus of his thoughts as he could see her quickly turn back around and face forward. ‘I’m sure she thinks I’m a creep now. Great going, Johnson,’ he chastised himself.

Vernon was almost a welcome sight when he strode into the library at 10:20 to allow them to use the “lavatory.” Brian almost let out a sigh of relief. Almost. When they returned to the library and it was clear that Vernon wouldn’t return for a while, Bender started ripping up a book and when he threw it at Brian, the latter took that as his cue to walk away. He spotted Y/N looking through the catalogue of books and approached her. “Hey.” He nodded in her direction, trying to play it cool and seem neutral. ‘Smooth. Great opening,’ he thought. But to his surprise, she actually said ‘Hi’ back and smiled. He had no idea what to talk about and didn’t really think this through, but the black-clad girl let out a startling, “HA!” that made them both jump.

Brain looked back to the others and heard Andrew sarcastically say, “Oh, you’re breaking my heart,” to Claire.

“Sporto?” Bender asked, “Do you get along with your parents?” Brian started to look between the two of them nervously.

“Well, if I say yes I’m an idiot right?” Andrew responded. Bender leapt over the ramp’s banister and started at the other boy.

“You’re an idiot anyway. But if you say you get along with your parents, then you’re a liar too.” Not only did Brian not like being involved in confrontation, he also hated being witness to it. As Andrew followed Bender, he felt compelled to go break it up, put a stop to this.

“You want me to turn it up?” Bender asked, flipping off Andrew as Brian stepped between them, placing a hand on one of each of their shoulders. They smacked his hands away, almost in sync and he withdrew, but he knew words could be just as powerful as actions.

“I, I don’t like my parents either. I don’t know. Their idea of parental compassion is just...whacko.” Brian confessed.

“Dork? You are a parent’s wet dream, okay?” Bender replied, clapping him on his shoulder. It was a friendly enough gesture, but it actually dealt a devastating blow. Brian knew he was a disappointment to his parents. He was being open and honest with the group and was shut down immediately anyway. “...face it, you're a neo-maxi-zoom-dweebie. What would you be out doing if you weren’t making yourself a better citizen?” Another hit. This one made Brian sink against one of the tables. He hung his head and didn’t even notice Y/N approach him until she softly placed her hand on his shoulder.

“You okay?” She offered, gazing into his eyes. He was terrified that she would be able to read him and to see the truth, to see the sad and scared kid he truly was inside. Instead, he stiffened up and sat rigidly, clearing his throat of emotion.

“Yeah, thanks.” He also tried his best to ignore that she was touching him. If he weren’t in detention being told he was the epitome of geek by John Bender, he’d have sworn this were a dream. Bender now moved his disdain to Claire, asking if she were a virgin. Y/N shifted uncomfortably away from Brian and crossed her arms over her chest, but still stood next to him, watching the same drama unfold. Bender and Andrew soon stood in front of them, fully in a heated argument and Bender took a swing. Brian didn’t think twice and reflexively shot his arm up to shield Y/N. Sure, his crush on her might be stupid or silly, but he was not about to let her get caught in this crossfire and get hurt. He watched as Andrew wrestled Bender to the floor and Bender said, “I don’t want to get into this with you, man...cuz I’d kill you.” Andrew let him up and they seemed to separate and cool down, so Brian finally moved his arm back down, assuming the danger towards Y/N was gone but he was on-guard still, ready to move again if he needed to. “It’s real simple. I’d kill you and then your fucking parents would sue me and it would be a big mess, and I don’t care about you enough to bother.” For some reason, this hit Brian hard and he had to look away, look down to escape. But then he heard a click and his head shot up. Bender had pulled out a switchblade. His eyes went wide and he looked cautiously at Y/N who looked just as shocked. They all relaxed a little when he stabbed it into a chair instead of Andrew’s flesh, but immediately panicked again when the door audibly unlatched and opened. They scrambled to get to their seats, Bender quickly striding to the front and sitting far away from Andy so as not to implicate himself. But that meant that he had stolen Y/N’s seat. On her original route to it, she diverted and sat quickly and silently next to Brian. He swallowed hard in response.

Instead of Vernon, Carl the janitor walked in. They collectively sighed with relief and he addressed Brian. “Brian, how ya doin’?” Brian quickly averted his eyes, both embarrassed to be seen here by Carl (he stayed late in many clubs and had built up a good rapport with the man and didn’t need him thinking less of him for being in detention) and by being seen as associated with him by his peers. Carl was a great guy, really funny and nice; accommodated every need each one of his clubs had...but Brian was still a teenager and image was everything and being thought of as ‘dweeb who is friends with the janitor’ was not how he wanted to be seen.

“Your dad work here?” Bender inquired, smirking deviously. Brian just shook his head in response and didn’t answer Carl, either. “Carl, can I ask you a question? How does one become a janitor?” Bender continued.

“You want to become a janitor?” Carl asked, knowing that Bender didn’t really want to know.

“No, I just want to know how one becomes one. Andrew here is very interested in pursuing a career in the custodial arts.” Bender glanced over at Andrew and smirked again, pleased with his implied put-down.

“Oh really? You guys think I’m some untouchable peasant, serf, peon? Maybe so. But following a broom around after shitheads like you for the last eight years, I’ve learned a couple of things.” Carl looked towards Brian and Y/N, “I look through your letters.” Brian thought he saw her stiffen and freeze, just a little bit, as if Carl were addressing her. She suddenly shifted away from Brian and he wasn’t sure what to make of that. “...I am the eyes and the ears of this institution, my friend.” Carl stopped and smiled, “By the way. That clock is twenty minutes fast.” Brian looked at it and then his watch, noting that he was right. He wasn’t sure if he should adjust his wrist piece or not; to go with the time on the wall or the time Vernon was keeping. But he couldn’t be bothered with the choice when Bender stood up and faced his table. He was afraid of what he might do or say to them, but he simply nodded towards Y/N’s seat, indicating that she could have it back.

“I’m good for now,” she said, surprising Brian. He assumed she would have moved back, a moment ago she moved away from him, but now she was looking at him out of the corner of her eye before glancing back up at John, who was raising an inquisitive eyebrow. “Thanks for not dicking with my stuff though,” she said.

“Oh, shit.” Bender said “Do you think I should steal something or has the moment passed?” The tension seemed to drop and they all smiled as he went back to his seat, but he turned his attention back their way. “So, you’ve been pretty quiet, what’s your name?” Brian had a bad habit of blurting out. He liked answering questions as it was, showing his knowledge. A lot of the time, it didn’t matter if he was being asked or not. So, without thinking, he responded to Bender’s question and told him Y/N’s name. It was a reflex, but one he instantly regretted, feeling like he just shot himself in the foot. Bender gave him a look and he steeled himself for his worst, for the mockery sure to come, but instead he just looked at her and followed up with “Is that true? Is that your name?”

She didn’t acknowledge his weirdness either. She simply nodded and told John, “Yeah, (Y/N). Or, I guess you could call me (Y/N/N) if you want,” and Brian let out a quiet shaky exhale in relief. That could have been...disastrous. After a moment, while Bender was otherwise occupied, she turned to him and said, “Thank you, for earlier. I mean, blocking me when those two were getting into it.” He felt his heart race; he wasn’t sure she had even noticed that earlier, even though he wasn’t exactly subtle.

“N-no problem.” He responded, trying to restrain the smile creeping up onto his face. He wanted to play it cool, like it was no big deal, like that’s just what manly men such as himself do: put themselves in harm’s way for others.

Vernon came in to dismiss them for lunch much too early for his liking. He didn’t really have much of a chance to talk to Y/N while she was sitting next to him, and as soon as they were allowed to mill about like the caged animals they currently were, the remaining members of their detention gravitated towards Bender near the center of the library. Brian was slightly disappointed when she wandered off into the stacks as Bender looked through books and Claire continued her daydreaming. Not really sure what to do with himself, Brian folded his long legs over one of the ramp railings and sat atop it, hunched over. He looked up when Bender called out, “Hey, Peachy!” There were a few moments of silence before Y/N looked back over in their direction and Brian froze, immediately disliking Bender addressing her as such and worrying what uncouth thing he might say to her. But he just asked her what she could be in detention for, because she didn’t seem the type, which Brian wholeheartedly agreed with. He waited intently for the answer, as every interaction he had with her (or every observation, rather), she seemed so...sweet.

“Oh. Well, you know how in Biology they dissect like, frogs and shit every year?” She looked a little defeated and a blush crept up her cheeks as she continued, “I---sort of stole and freed the frogs.” Brian couldn’t help but laugh. That seemed like something you shouldn’t get detention for, anyway, but it was definitely on-par with the personality he knew her for. He felt relieved that the reason aligned with how he thought of her. She was in here for something nice, and debatably, the right thing. His heart melted a little when she told Bender that she had researched enough to let the frogs go responsibly; that she would have adopted them if they wouldn’t have made it on their own and he couldn’t help but smile in her direction. Bender, of course, moved on quickly, scanning one of the books in his stack to find new material to talk about, to bother the girls with, but Brian’s gaze was still fixated on Y/N. She was running her fingers along spines of books, seemingly in her own world. He felt like maybe it was fated that they were both here, like he was getting a second chance. He still hadn’t really conjured up the courage to talk to her yet, but they were only half-way through their day; there was still time.

“Claire? Y/N? You wanna see a picture of a guy with elephantitis of the nuts?” Bender asked, “Pretty tasty. How do you think he rides a bike? Oh Claire, would you ever consider dating a guy like this?”

“Wait,” Y/N’s eyes lit up and she looked their way again. “Elephantiasis? Like the movie The Elephant Man? Great movie! Really sad though.” Brian grinned at the way she scrunched her eyebrows together in remembering the emotion from the movie. He had seen it, too. It was really good...and touching. Maybe that could be his ice-breaker. Movies were normal things that normal teenagers talked about, right? He didn’t really notice that Bender and Claire were still conversing until it implicated him, though.

“Oh! Watch what you say. Brian here is a cherry.” Brian looked at him, startled.

“A cherry?” He asked, indignantly, cheeks flaring up with a red hue. “I am not a cherry.” He didn’t need Bender calling him out like this, embarrassing him. He didn’t need the obvious association that the nerd was a virgin. Especially in front of beautiful girls, particularly Y/N. She didn’t need to know that he was an inexperienced loser.

“When have you ever gotten laid?” Bender asked, doubtfully

“I’ve laid lots of times.”

“Name ONE.” Bender said, sarcastically, hoping to catch him in a trap.

“She lives in Canada. Met her at Niagara Falls; You wouldn’t know her.” Brian said, prepared with this answer from previous conversations about this topic. It wasn’t the first time he’d been involved in a conversation about virginity that he couldn’t be entirely honest about, nor was it the first time he had been mocked for being a virgin or doubted about the non-existent relations that he didn’t have. Even though part of his brain felt like it was glaringly obvious to the outside world and must have been stamped on his forehead that girls did not typically talk to him, nor had he even kissed a girl before, but he still lied about it anyway. He knew he didn’t precisely have an ‘image’ to protect, but he didn’t want to seem like a total lost cause or dweeby stereotype.

Bender, however, wasn’t having it. “You ever lay anyone around here?” He scoffed and Brian panicked. He had noticed that Y/N had turned back to the aisle of books and was praying she wasn’t listening, and Claire didn’t seem to be paying attention, so he tried to gesture to Bender to keep it down, to let him off the hook before either girl noticed him or this conversation. Bender immediately twisted it around and attacked him with it, though. Brian felt his heart being squeezed and felt overwhelmed, instantly, as Bender said, “Oh. You and Claire did it.”

“Oh, uh I-Let’s just drop it, okay? We’ll talk about it later,” Brian attempted to get out of it again, praying that John would have one ounce of mercy on him. However, Brian was never really very lucky.

“Well, Brian is trying to tell me that in addition to the number of girls in the Niagara Falls area, that presently you and he are riding the hobby horse.” Brian’s eyes slammed shut in embarrassment.

“You little pig,” Claire growled at him and his eyes shot back open wide. He scrambled to defend himself.

“No! I’m not! John said I was a cherry and I said I wasn’t. That’s it. That’s all I said.”

“Well then what were you motioning to Claire for?” Bender followed up, not giving Brian any wiggle room.

“You know, I don’t appreciate this very much, Brian.” Claire sounded more disappointed and hurt than anything, which made Brian feel like a slug, instantly. He didn’t mean to implicate her or to bring her down. He was just trying to hide his embarrassment from John and the girls.

“He is lying!” Brian tried one last attempt to deflect.

“Oh, you weren’t motioning to Claire?”

“You know he’s lying, right?”

“Were you, or were you not motioning to Claire?” Brian hated this. He’d been stuffed in lockers before and yearned for that over the torture Bender was inflicting now. He couldn��t save face; either he was a disgusting creep saying he had had sex with Claire when he didn’t, or he’d have to tell them the truth and feel humiliated at telling everyone he was a virgin. He grit his teeth and chose to go with the latter.

“Yeah, but it was only- it was only because I didn’t want her to know I was a virgin, okay?” They looked almost...shocked by his response, which he wasn’t expecting. He thought it would be a ‘Well, duh, you’re a virgin, Johnson! Who would want to touch you?’ But Claire and Y/N looked surprised. “Excuse me for being a virgin, I’m sorry.”

“Why didn’t you want me to know you were a virgin?” Claire asked honestly, like it was no big deal. If she only knew...

“Because it’s personal business. It’s my personal, private business.”

“Well, Brian, it doesn’t sound like you’re doing any business,” Bender snuck in another jab and Brian was brought down to what he knew all along, that they were just going to laugh at him.

“I think it’s okay for a guy to be a virgin.” Claire’s unexpected response gave him instant relief. She was taking his side and Bender had no more ammo. Brian perked up even more when Y/N agreed with her. It wasn’t an embarrassing secret for him now because they didn’t mind. They almost seemed to admire him for it. The thought caused his lips to twitch and he hid his smile by leaning his head against his knee.

*~~~~*

During lunch, Bender didn’t have any food, so his appetite turned to targeting the rest of the detainees again. He started in on Claire for a bit, but then came over to taunt Brian. It seemed like it could be friendly, at first, as John just examined his lunch. But as he drew out each item, his tone became more and more sarcastic. “Here’s my impression of life at Big Bri’s house.” Bender went on to mock him, painting his life like it was some episode of Leave It To Beaver where the family would all hug it out at the end. Brian’s throat became dry and he could feel eyes on both Bender and himself, trying to judge his reactions to John’s farce. He hated being such an easy target. He hadn’t done anything towards John personally, but he was still constantly in the hot seat because John could get away with it and the others would laugh and enjoy it. At least Andy fought back...even Claire did. And Bender didn’t even really bother to mess with Allison. She had an aura of ‘don’t fuck with me,’ and he didn’t even touch her as a subject, even though she was just as odd and out of place as Brian. Not to mention, he was wrong. It wasn’t all peachy-keen happy endings at Brian’s house. If it were, Brian wouldn’t be here today.

Still, it was hard not to be drawn in by John, and he watched his next dramatic retelling of his own home life in stunned horror. John’s dad called him terrible names in this act and hit him. “Is that for real?” Brian asked, brows furrowed. It wasn’t that he didn’t believe John, it was just that...well, the situation sucked and he needed to be told it wasn’t true. Like a kid hearing that a ghost story was made up and there was nothing to fear. But he knew by John’s pained expression that it was, even before he spoke.

“Wanna come over some time?” Bender asked him and he flinched away. Andrew didn’t believe him though, and questioned it so John revealed to them all his very real cigar burn scar on his arm, claiming he got it from spilling paint in the garage. The group collectively flinched and no one moved for a few moments while Bender said, “I don’t need to sit with you fuckin’ dildos anymore,” and raged through the library.

“You shouldn’t have said that,” Claire admonished Andrew.

“How would I know? I mean he lies about everything anyway.”

“That doesn’t make it okay.” Y/N snapped at him and looked back towards Bender as though she wanted to follow him. Brian tried to will her silently not to; he didn’t really trust that Bender would control his emotions and she might get hurt. He felt relieved when she turned around, but then his heart began pounding once more as she gathered her lunch into the sack and stood up. ‘No, don’t do it, Y/N.’ He stared at her, but she didn’t seem to notice as she cautiously walked past and crept up the library stairs to where Bender was and sat next to him. Brian felt a little calmed when Bender didn’t lash out; he just rolled his eyes but stayed rooted to the spot. Meanwhile, the rest of the group at their lunch in silence.

*~~~~*

Brian felt guilty for leaving Bender behind, for allowing him to sacrifice himself for the group. Hell, they all did. Especially when Vernon started shoving him around and saying he was going to be in jail. Brian couldn’t help but wonder if he could become like John. It’s not like he was born into that life. But he had it tough at home, struggled at school, and had problems with authority (particularly when they lied). Brian could see some parallels. He, too, was unhappy at home. While his parents didn’t beat him like John’s did him, or berate him to the same degree, he couldn’t help but feel like a disappointment. And he felt like he was just slipping. Now he had broken school rules, brought a gun to school, watched as others destroyed school property, and was gaining a healthy distrust of authority by seeing how Vernon acted today. He’d even corrected him once, when counting Bender’s detentions, not that the truth seemed to matter to Vernon anyway. What if he continued down this path? What if things just kept getting worse at home? Would it really be that bad to be like Bender? Despite being a total jerkwad, he had the charisma to draw people in. He’d even had Y/N eat lunch with him! It just didn’t seem like the deal was all bad when he looked at it that way. ‘What’s next? Are you going to take up smoking?’ His brain scolded him, even though he had completely forgotten that he had drugs stashed in his pants right now...until Bender fell through the ceiling and asked for them back. He dug them uncomfortably out of his underwear and handed the bag over. Bender took off to smoke in the library and Brian realized he had a choice to make. Boy, was he tempted. ‘What’s one more rule broken today?’ He felt more emboldened when Claire stood up and followed John. Andrew tried to talk him out of it, shaking his head. Brian drummed his hands on the desk. He wasn’t sure he’d have another opportunity. Most of his friends and acquaintances didn’t do drugs...to his knowledge, anyway. He thought momentarily about his cousin Kendall, and how he started smoking pot and didn’t feel like he belonged anywhere. ‘You already don’t feel like you belong anywhere,’ His mind reminded him, and with that, the decision was made; what did he have to lose? So he slunk off to join Bender and Claire.

It was...definitely a different experience. Brian didn’t care for the way his thoughts seemed so disjointed, that he couldn’t keep one train of thought going. For someone who was known for his intelligence and felt like his brain was his one good quality, it was a little scary to have that slip away. But, there was a sort of numbness that came with the drug that made him worry less about that. He felt less worried and anxious in general, actually. His focus was being pulled in too many directions to wonder what his parents would think or if he was saying the right thing, or if this could even be a mistake. He felt relaxed and oddly open. He was even making Bender and Claire laugh, which he hadn’t expected. It was like there was a new persona underneath that was unlocked. He didn’t know what he was doing, but it wasn’t the worst thing ever. He was, however, surprised by how long the effects lasted. It was a little more than an hour later and the whole group was sitting in a circle (Y/N and Allison never seemed to have joined them in the marijuana. Not that he had noticed, anyway) and Allison was telling the group that she was a nymphomaniac, which was exciting. Particularly to someone with zero experience, to hear someone claim she’d done ‘almost everything’ was utterly fascinating. However, his head was still swimming and he seemed to have a lack of filter between his brain and his mouth. He couldn’t catch his words fast enough, which was often a problem for him sober, but now it wasn’t just supplying corrections or information, the more cruel thoughts slipped through, too.

“Obviously she’s crazy if she’s screwing her shrink,” he added to the group without even thinking. Y/N was sitting to his right and promptly hit him on the arm with the back of her hand.

“Brian!” She hissed and gave him a glare. ‘Oh shit. Did I say that out loud?’ He thought, looking at her with wide-eyed fear. The realization sobered him up pretty quickly and he was much more in control of his thoughts and words after that. Despite the weed taking away most of his worries, he still cared how she perceived him. From then on, he was more focused on the conversations in front of him and how he added to them, but it was harder to control his emotions when Andrew began telling them about why he was here today.

“You guys know what I did to get in here today? I taped Larry Lester’s buns together.” Andy said, with a hint of a smile. ‘How can he just smirk like that? He has to know it was a shitty thing to do and that he hurt Larry.’ Brian thought. He knew Larry had been attacked this week by one of the sports, but he didn’t know who. Larry didn’t even know the kid’s name, had never talked to him, but still got jumped anyway. An experience that Brian was all too familiar with.

“That was you?” Brian asked, somewhat surprised, but started to get angry.

“You know him?”

“Yeah, I know him.” He said quietly, trying not to let the anger bubble past the surface.

He had to bite his tongue when Andy made Larry into a joke, “Then you know how hairy he is right?” Bender and Claire chuckled at his joke, at him bullying one of Brian’s friends. ‘I guess I shouldn’t have expected anything different,’ Brian thought dejectedly. But he was hoping that they were all better people than...this. The realization that they weren’t better than that, coupled with Andrew expressing his feelings about his father got Brian thinking. “I...hate him. He’s like this mindless machine that I can’t even relate to anymore.” Brian felt so disconnected from his parents, too, even though the rest of the group thought they lived in a fairytale. He was their pride and joy once, but it felt like ever since he started high school, he just wasn’t good enough. He wasn’t a good enough student, he didn’t do his chores right, he wasn’t setting himself up for college correctly, he wasn’t a good role model or brother to his sister...it all just added up and weighed on him immensely. He covered his face with one of his hands to hide his emotion and expression from the group. He didn’t even react when Andrew started screaming what his father had told him, but when everything settled down, he took the chance to speak.

“That’s like me, you know, with my grades. Like, when I step outside myself. A-and I look in on myself...and-and I see me, I don’t like what I see,” it was a difficult thing to admit but after what Allison and Andrew shared, he felt like maybe this could be the space to do so, too.

“What’s wrong with you? Why don’t you like yourself?” Claire asked. He knew it was meant to be nice, encouraging even, but it just made him feel worse. This beautiful, popular, and rich girl asking someone why they weren’t happy with themselves? Like she could have any sort of clue. No wonder it baffled her; she had everything. But he could also see Y/N nodding vigorously, agreeing with Claire. He didn’t want to put her on the same plane as Claire, he felt like she would be above that. But she clearly didn’t understand the way he felt, either. That just made him feel more alone.

“It’s stupid, but,” Brian said, “because I’m failing shop. We had this assignment to make this, uh, ceramic elephant. Anyways we were supposed to-it was, it was a lamp. When you pulled the trunk, the light was supposed to go on. But my light didn’t go on. I got an F on it. I’ve never got an F in my life. When I signed up, y’know, for the course, I thought I was playing it smart. I was, uh, ‘I’ll take Shop, it’s an easy way to maintain my grade point average.’”

“Why’d you think it would be easy?” Bender chimed in, not making eye contact. Brian had been lost in his own thoughts and his story and not looking at the group either, really. He had wanted to be honest, but he was also embarrassed. Honesty would have been hard to maintain if he was looking at them and seeing their judgments in real time.

“Have you seen some of the dopes that take Shop?” Brian asked, not realizing it would strike a nerve.

“I take Shop.” Bender responded, now turning his eyes to him, “You must be a fucking idiot.”

“I’m a fucking idiot because I can’t make a lamp?” Brian snapped defensively. He should have known it would be a mistake to put himself on the line like this, to open himself up to their judgement. He knew Bender was lashing out because he was insulted, but that didn’t make his jibes hurt any less.

“No, you’re a genius because you can’t make a lamp.” Bender shot back, sarcastically.

“What do you know about Trigonometry?” Brian fought back.

“I could care less about Trigonometry.”

“Bender, there’s no engineering without trigonometry.”

“Without lamps, there’d be no light.” Bender replied grumpily, grasping at straws for a fair comparison.

“Okay, so neither one of you is any better than the other one,” Claire jumped in. Before either of them responded, Allison added her own odd addition.

“I can write with my toes!” Both Bender and Brian looked at her incredulously, but she did calm the two of them down and add levity to the moment.

“I can make spaghetti!” Brian said cheerfully after a moment. Y/N smiled at him and his heart fluttered. He returned the smile and for a moment, forgot all about his blunder. Maybe that smile had given him the courage to participate again, to be open and vulnerable. Claire and Bender began fighting again, which wasn’t a surprise, but it opened a door for Brian to ask what had been weighing on his mind since their circle began. He felt like they had all bonded. They had told each other some of their deepest secrets and biggest pains, but did that really make them friends? “I know it’s kind of a weird time, but you know, I was just wondering...what’s going to happen to us on Monday? I mean, I consider you guys my friends,” he continued, looking around the circle, “I’m not wrong, am I?”

“No,” Andy reassured him. So, he wasn’t imagining it, they felt like friends, too.

“So on Monday, what happens?”

“Are we still friends, you mean? If we’re friends now?” Claire asked.

“Yeah.”

“You want the truth?” Claire couldn’t meet his eye, and Brian knew from the question she posed, he really didn’t want the truth. He knew what was coming, but he continued anyway.

“Yeah, I want the truth.”

“I don’t think so.” Claire responded and he somehow still wasn’t prepared for the blow. It still hit him hard, causing a squeezing pain in his chest and he looked away, clenching his jaw to hold the tears back that were welling in his eyes.

“With all of us,” Allison asked, “or just John?”

“With all of you,” Claire confirmed, looking away from the group.

“That’s a real nice attitude, Claire,” Andrew said gruffly.

“Oh, be honest, Andy,” Claire groaned, “If Brian came up to you in the hall on Monday, what would you do? Picture it, you’re with all the sports.” Brian glanced up at his name and looked at Andy hopefully. In his heart, he knew Claire was probably right, but he wanted to believe that Andrew was really his friend, that they all were. “You know exactly what you’d do. You’d say hi to him and then you’d laugh and cut him all up so your friends wouldn’t think you actually like him.”

“No way.” Andy denied, and that gave Brian a glimmer of hope, one he so desperately wanted to believe.

“What if I came up to you?” Allison asked.

“Same exact thing.”

“You are a bitch!” Bender yelled at Claire.

“Why?! Because I’m telling the truth? That makes me a bitch?”

“No. Cuz you know how shitty that is to do to someone and you don’t have the balls to stand up to your friends and tell them you’re gonna like who you wanna like…” Bender continued berating Claire, but Brian now started to fail to hold back the tears that had been threatening so long to fall. He didn’t make eye contact with anyone in the group and tried to quickly wipe the tear away, hoping no one was paying attention to him; that they couldn’t see how they had impacted him. But he still felt eyes on him, particularly when he wiped the next tear away. He let Claire and Bender’s argument surround him. They called each other out, that neither would associate with him or Allison, that their image was too important to protect to reach out. It was a story that Brian had lived all of his life. ‘How could I think that one day would change everything?’ He thought, pitifully.

“So I assume Allison, Y/N, and I are better people than you? Us weirdos?” Brian interjected when Claire and Bender were silently fuming from their spat. “You, would you do that to me?” He asked Allison.

“I don’t have any friends,” she replied, which made Brian smile a little, even though he rolled his eyes some.

“Okay, but if you did?” He let out a light chuckle, urging her to answer.

“No. I don’t think the kind of friends that I’d have would mind,” Allison replied and Brian nodded, then steeled himself to turn to Y/N and ask the same question. He saw her quickly swipe at her face with her sleeves and realized, suddenly, that she had been crying too. He wasn’t sure why; she had been very quiet through this whole exchange, but maybe that was because it hit home hard for her, too. He felt a painful pang in his chest, both from seeing her tears and from fearing the possibility of her answer. He had spent the day hoping that this was a second chance, that he could get to know her. This was a bold move and would tell him if there was even a chance or not; and he feared the ‘not.' She locked eyes with him and he gulped, petrified to dive in but knowing he had to.

“What about you, Y/N?” He asked, quietly. It felt like the question hung in the air for an agonizing eternity, even though she answered right away. Time worked differently when you were waiting to hear if your world was going to be shattered.

“I would be honored to be your friend,” she replied with a shaking voice. Even though it was strained, it filled him with instant relief. He believed her as he had believed Allison and nodded, biting his lip.

“I just want to tell, each of you, that I wouldn’t do that,” he turned to the group,” I wouldn’t and I will not. Because I think it’s real shitty.”

“Your friends wouldn’t mind because they look up to us.” Claire told him and he couldn’t help but laugh derisively in response. Next to him, he heard Y/N give a sort of squeak but figured that it carried the same disbelief towards Claire as his gesture did.

“You’re so conceited, Claire. You’re so conceited. You’re like, so full of yourself. Why are you like that?” Brian noticed the tears falling again and swiped them away. He didn’t want Claire to think she wounded him, that she had the upper hand. While it stung to have all of his beliefs about how the popular kids perceived him and his friends confirmed, that wasn’t what really was bothering him. It was more that it reminded him that he was invisible, he didn’t matter, which was exactly why he was here today.

“I’m not saying that to be conceited. I hate it. I hate having to go along with everything my friends say.”

“Then why do you do it?”

“I don’t- I don’t know,” Claire sighed, and Brian noticed that she was drying her own tears. He didn’t necessarily like having caused them, but it was nice to know she was still human, that she was feeling the way he was, too. “You don’t understand, You’re not friends with the same kind of people Andy and I are friends with, you know? You just don’t understand the kind of pressure that they can put on you.” That, however, lit a fire within Brian. ‘Pressure from other assholes is so important? Try your own parents, Claire.’

“I don’t understand what?” Brian began, gesturing towards himself and planting his fingers into his chest. It relieved some of the dull ache there. “You think I don’t understand pressure, Claire? Well, fuck you! Fuck you!” ‘Also, fuck ‘bravery’ or saving face,’ Brian broke down into sobs in his elbow before calling out from his hiding spot, “do you know why I’m here today? Do you?!” He sat up to look at the group, the people he considered friends, to share his pain with them. “I’m here...because Mr. Ryan found a gun in my locker.” The words turned thick as they left his mouth and took on a life of their own. His eyes darted quickly around the circle, noting Claire’s dropped jaw, Allison’s tearful eyes that couldn’t meet his own, the way Andrew looked away and Bender seemed to know how he had felt, but also how he was surprised that Brian had the balls to do such a thing, and finally...tears silently and consistently slipping down Y/N’s face.

“What’s the gun for?” Andrew asked, interrupting Brian’s thoughts.

“I tried. You pull the fuckin’--trunk and the light’s supposed to go on and it didn’t go on, you know?” ‘You’ve said too much. They all thought you were a weirdo, now they think you’re a psychotic weirdo.’ “Forget it. Just--forget it,” he said in an attempt to brush it off, as if everything could go back to normal with the bombshell he just dropped on them.

“You brought it up, man,” Andrew insisted.

“I can’t have an F. I can’t have it and I know my parents can’t. Even if I aced the rest of the semester, it would only be a B. I’m ruined.”

“Brian…” Claire started, but there was nothing she could say to make this alright. ‘You’re a failure, Brian, and now you’ve become a freakshow. Look at her pity,’ his brain taunted him and he lashed out to hit the stool on his right, not even thinking about it until Y/N jumped up in her seated position, startled. The last thing he would want to do is hurt or scare her. ‘Shit, great. Another fuck up.’

“Sorry,” he mumbled in her direction before setting his head on his knee and continuing with his story from before, “Just considering my options, you know?”

“No, killing yourself is never an option!” Claire yelled at him, which made him scoff.

“Well I didn’t do it, did I? No, I didn’t think so.” ‘She really just doesn’t get it, does she? She still can’t picture why I’d want to--’

“It was a handgun?” Allison asked

“A flare gun. It blew up in my locker.” Brian sighed, but then he heard Andrew start to laugh. “It’s not funny.” Brian asserted. Andrew tried to clear his throat to stop laughing, but he couldn’t and Brian bit his lip and smiled in realization, “Yeah, it is.” The laughter was contagious...and better than crying. “Fucking elephant was destroyed.”

“You know what I did to get in here?” Allison asked the group, and Brian almost feared her answer. “Nothing. I didn’t have anything better to do.” That completely brightened the mood and Brian fell over laughing. It seemed like he was forgiven and that no one here was judging him for the failed lamp or the gun nor would they tell anybody about it. They...they had accepted him in the end after all.

*~~~~*

“...we trust you.” Claire was trying to talk him into writing one essay to cover all of them, and she was using flattery. Lucky for her, it worked. He looked down the row to seek approval from the others and they all nodded. But he liked knowing that they thought he was the smartest and the most capable, that they trusted his words would win over Vernon in a way that they wouldn’t be punished for not doing their own essays. It was a big task and a lot to entrust to him, so he took pride in fulfilling it. Claire took the other girls with her somewhere and it was just Andrew and him sitting silently in the library, so he decided to get to work. Andrew was just lurking about, playing with his jewelry, but he wasn’t a distraction. However, Allison passing by looking completely different was. Brian looked up, shocked that this was the same person he had spent all day with. Her hair was away from her face and he could actually see her brown eyes and she was wearing...white, the opposite of all of the layers of black before. He caught her glare at him staring at her so he tried to give her a reassuring smile, that it was a good look for her. She said, “thank you,” and moved on toward Andrew. Brian turned back to his essay and finished the last couple of lines, not noticing Y/N approaching behind him. If he had, he probably wouldn’t have kissed the essay or given himself a ‘good job’ punch in the arm.

He sat up in startled revelation when she spoke, “That good, huh?” He realized she had just seen everything. He had never felt more like a dork in his life and a blush crept up into his cheeks.

“Uh...yeah, I-I guess. I mean, do you want to read it?” He asked as she started to pull back the chair next to him to sit down.

“If you want me to, but I trust you.” She took her seat and placed her arm gently on his forearm. ‘Holy shit. She is touching me! She’s looking at me. What do I even say? Do I acknowledge the touch or do I just--’ “I’m impressed that you came up with something so quickly though.” Brian felt pride bubble up within him, knowing that she noticed...no, she was impressed by him. He cocked his head and looked at her sideways, trying to figure her out. She quickly looked away and pulled her hand back, now fiddling with her sleeves. ‘Is she...nervous?’ He thought, trying to decode her reaction. “So, um…you said earlier that you were in the Math Club? Um, I mean, if you have the time, do you think you could tutor me? I’m like totally lost in Clarkson’s class.”

He blinked. He wasn’t sure what he was expecting, but it wasn’t exactly that. Not that he would say no to spending more time with her. He had wanted that second chance, after all. “Yeah, no, I could do that,” he told her and watched as she twisted away and looked behind her, grabbing paper off of Allison’s desk. She leaned back forward and reached for his pen in front of him. She was actually close enough now that he could smell her shampoo and his body threatened to turn into jello on the spot.

“Here...is...my...phone number.” She said as she wrote it out on the paper and handed it to him. “Call me so we can set something up?” She looked up at him and knocked the breath right out of his lungs.

“You--You want me to call you?” He asked with raised eyebrows, wholly surprised by the request. He’d not only not kissed a girl, but one had never given him her phone number before.

“Yeah.” She smiled at him and his heartbeat picked up even faster, if that was possible. She cleared her throat and nodded towards Andrew and Allison. “So, those two, huh? Unexpected, right?”

“Oh. Yeah.” He was suddenly hurtled back to Earth, to reality. “Definitely. Wait, where’s Claire?”

“She...she said she was going to go ‘check on’ Bender.”

“Wow. So them, too.” ‘Everyone is coupling up maybe we should--’ he interrupted his own thought and shot it down. All he could say was, “That’s really...weird.”

*~~~~*

After they were finally released and Brian left his essay on the desk for Vernon to collect, and hopefully reflect upon, they all walked out together. It made sense as they all had to go to the main entrance, but there was a feeling of solidarity within it that made Brian think that the members of what he dubbed The Breakfast Club would continue their friendship come Monday.

Allison and Andrew branched off together, as did Claire and John. Brian looked quickly at Y/N as she walked down the steps with him. His dad was there to pick him up, which he was thankful for. His mom would definitely notice him walking with a girl and have a million questions and a lengthy lecture lined up, but his dad would barely notice, much less think anything of it. He reached for the door handle as Y/N was about to depart, but then she called his name, “Hey Brian,” he looked up, not sure what else she could possibly have to say, especially since they had been silent while the couples had veered off. “See you Monday.” She reminded him and gave him a small smile. He gave a grin in return.

“Yeah. I’ll talk to you on Monday.” He replied, beginning to get into the car, her phone number burning a hole in his pocket. For the first time in a long time, he was actually looking forward to another week school.

Tags:

@criminalwipes

[randombubblegum]

THIS TURNED INTO AN ESSAY I'M SO SORRY I DIDN'T EVEN REALIZE I'M JUST VERY LONG WINDED AND THIS BAND WAS THE BIGGEST PART OF MY LIFE FOR LIKE 3 YEARS AND I DIDN'T EVEN GET INTO EVERYTHING W THE GUY I DO TALK ABOUT. PROCEED WITH CAUTION

okay i may as well be like a semi-official as it is scholar (less so in the last several months just due to some me stuff) so i may have a bit of insight but i do wanna say patty is quite literally My Boy like. parasocial relationship aside he is 100% for sure the nicest "celebrity" i've ever met in person and i've met quite a few, his vibes are really just immaculate and as much as i'm able to not knowing him personally i think he's genuinely very sweet and cares a lot about just people in general and also in a really unique turn of events i have literally only heard of a single other band dude that had a problem with him and surprise surprise: it was a palaye royale guy. there was a tiny bit of drama there during warped 2018 which i will recount later if you don't know it already but the entire thing is pretty ridiculous and was not long lasting either. the thing that another anon mentioned with all of then suddenly cutting a member off is i believe to do with andy westhead, who was a former guitarist that ronnie ish took the place of in ~2017/18 (can't exactly remember u get the deal). i do not know this for like certain but i saw a few different things on various social media sites that i believe line up with whatever he was doing on his personal social media that alluded to them deciding to cut ties with him due to some really iffy personal politics of his. i also don't know what those would've been exactly, but i will say i kinda got whiffs of some (BRITISH. HOW) trump supporter and homophobia shit. they're really not a "political" band in terms of their music and presentation of the group but the members themselves have always been pretty open about the fact that they're like. very much not the conservative type of people? like they weren't doing crazy ahead of their time shit or anything and they were usually bro-ing around with a lot of the other white boy pop punk bands but they were always pretty affirming of feminism and lgbt+ people and the like. that was also very close to the time that they were shifting from their kinda generic "it's okay not to be okay" vibe and starting to get into more serious issues and darker themes surrounding mental health and they really 180'd their aesthetic and took a lot of their inspo from like mcr and other aesthetically emo bands and patty (+ben a bit) specifically was starting to present like pretty androgynously so i definitely think that's worth noting when you try to make some sense out of it. they've actually lost quite a few members up to this point now but i don't think there's much to say about the others that isn't like Known, i think ben leaving may have been a little bit messier than they portrayed it but i can't say for sure and it almost definitely wasn't anything other than like purely musical or within the band. they did swap bassists like several years ago and i can't even remember the og guys name but that was like before they'd gotten almost any substantial attention as a band and i literally haven't heard like anything about it at all. it may have been what the other anon was referring to but since i actually had like an idea about andy i figured i may as well shed some light. obv take this with a grain of salt since i don't know them personally and i actually only got very into the band just a bit after the dust had settled on this so there really wasn't much talk of it at that point, i just dove deep like a mfer after i did get into them bc y'know special interest things. would be cool to see if any like Veteran as it is fans have something that'll like blow the lid off this whole thing and prove me wrong lmao

i dont even have much to say this is just so cute LOL…… i love how much u love them :,) patty does genuinely seem sweet i think hes more than made up for his sin of being a youtuber

i wanna hear the warped 2018 if u remember it!!! also yikes @ the conservative bassist but good on them for booting him immediately. im kind of curious abt ben leaving being potentially messier but not even in a like ooh dig up the dirt gotcha way, they seem too nice and generally chill for me to believe theres actually any shit behind the scenes now…… anyway its kind of refreshing to have a band thats just Some Guys (positive) :)

[deobis]

i dare u to write an essay on why u love sunoos rapping

………………………….. this is only a fraction of what I want to say but it was getting kinda long so……… uhhhhhhhhh :)

우리 얘길 펼쳐봐 머리 맡에Baby what you waiting for?다른 말로 표현할 수 없는 느낌너와 난 서로를 끌어당겼지한없이 역시

Unfold our story by the bedsideBaby what you waiting for?A feeling that can’t be expressed in other wordsYou and I were attracted to each otherEndlessly, as expected

This one verse, that takes no longer than 10 seconds and no more than one breath of air, is where I started falling for Sunwoo’s rappingーand soon after, falling for him as well. As someone who has never studied rap, I could never really explain why these 5 lines sent shivers down my spine. This ask really made me sit down and think about why this verse (thanks Andy 😉), and all his rapping in general, resonates with me and never fails to impress me.

I do not have a rap background; however, I played piano for around 8 years so I have a decent understanding of rhythm and dynamic. Sunwoo takes these two things and makes them his bitch. In this essay I will be exploring Sunwoo’s rap stylistically, and rhythmically.

Looking back, I’m not that surprised that his 4EVER verse got to me. It’s a melody rap. To be honest, I had never really been a fan of rap in the past. I only delved into it when I started stanning Stray Kids. Living in the US of A, rap here doesn’t really appeal to me. Sure, some are headbangers, but I never felt the need to put anything on repeat. After finding SKZ (pun intended lol), I became more interested in the rhythm and dynamic of rap in kpop. Some of my favorites are I SEE and Start Line in terms of rap/melody rap. As a Stay, my favorite kpop rapper quickly became Changbin. Changbin’s rap always stands out in any SKZ song; this is mostly due to his unique rasp and deep voice but also bc his style is punctual. Basically, he hits down beats hard and his syllables are often sharply pronounced. Since then, I have paid far more attention to rappers, both soloists and in groups. Some of my favorite rappers to this day are: Sunwoo, Haon, Changbin, Hua Chenyu, and Zhou Zhennan. And all for different reasons ofc. But Sunwoo stands out from the rest and really has a place in my heart, even though he may not be the most skilled out of all of them.

Beginning with the verse in 4EVER, the reason it first stood out to me was because 1: it was in the very beginning of the song, and 2: the flow was very interesting and different from other flows I have heard in kpop. The song starts of with Chanhee and Kevin’s vocals, setting the tone of the song to very mystical and calming. When Sunwoo comes in after them, he is able to retain this feeling while also bringing a feeling of excitement. This feeling of excitement and lightheartedness is introduced due to the added beat in the background and the faster flow that Sunwoo brings in. However, he doesn’t speed up too much. It’s just the right amount. It really gives the feeling of looking back on the beginning of a relationship and seeing it as fate or destiny.

Anyone could rap this verse and it would sound fine, but the emotions Sunwoo brings out while rapping is accompanied by his unique pronunciation and makes it impossible to replicate. Sunwoo begins the first line softly, but then emphasizes the “펼.” You’ll find that when he emphasizes a syllable, he also tends to drag it out a bit as well. Often times, rappers in kpop will emphasize a syllable and make it extremely sharp. This way, it stands out and adds an impact. Changbin’s first verse in Hellevator is a good example of a rap that has sharp beats and really contrasts the first few seconds of the song. This adds a shock factor and makes Changbin more memorable. Sunwoo, on the other hand, contrasts the beginning of the song but not for shock factor. It serves as a build up and doesn’t take away from the chorus or the rest of the song. By dragging out the stronger syllables, he really connects the whole verse together. Especially for a song like 4EVER, this effect is needed. In 4EVER, he does this 6 times:

우리 얘길 펼쳐봐 머리 맡에Baby what you waiting for?다른 말로 표현할 수 없는 느낌너와 난 서로를 끌어당겼지한없이 역시

Other rappers tend to rap quickly in order to show their lung capacity or feeling like the quicker, the more talented they are. Sunwoo can rap quickly. He just chooses not to (this is shown in his rapping class in Come On! The Boyz School). The rap in 4EVER, isn’t quick but because he drags out sounds, it flows as one and has no breaths in between (except for one after the second line due to the pause). His second verse in 4EVER does the same thing and sets up the next part of the song perfectly. Along with his rhythmic choices, he also has an interesting pronunciation for certain sounds. One thing I have always been attracted to with vocalists, is the ability to pronounce the “봐” clearly. This is why Kyunsoo and Jinseok are my top two vocalists. However, I have never really seen this sound being pronounced the same way in rap. Sunwoo is able to do this in his second verse in 4EVER. Once again, the stylistic choices he makes are:

발자국을 남겼지 모래 위에마주 봐 서로를 놀라게 만들었던 그 때다른 말 필요 없지 넌 내 세상 속의 주인이른 밤부터 늦은 아침까지 속삭이지

Everything bolded is emphasized and slightly dragged out and the italics are where he cuts the sound slightly shorter. This verse has a very similar flow to the first verse but differs in sound. The first verse is melody rap while the second relies more on the beat. After listening to Sunwoo’s first few lines in 4EVER a million times, I realized that the reason I loved his rap so much was because of all these stylistic choices. He flow and sound choices all revolve around the song itself and though they might not stand out the most at first, listening to a song over and over again makes his parts that much more unique while still blending in with the tone of the song.

Overall, Some things I really adore about Sunwoo’s rapping are:

How he utilizes sound and rhythm to add something new to a song but not taking away anything from it either.

How he doesn’t rely on rhyming to make his rap good. Instead, he often uses near rhyme and the way he raps to make the ends of lines flow together (a good example is their cover of A Midsummer Night’s Sweetness. Even though the rap wasn’t written by him, he raps it differently from San E and personally, I like his version better. It’s more innocent and free-flowing like the song itself.)

His pronunciation.

How he is always so laid back when rapping. He’s chic. That’s the word.

Anyways, this is already long enough. Maybe I’ll do more analysis in the future but as of now Sunwoo is my favorite rapper and I can’t wait until he drops that mixtape to shake the entire world.

[sapphicambitions]

Laynie Rose’s Library

At the Heart of the White Rose: The Letters and Diaries of Hans and Sophie Scholl. Edited by Inge Jens

Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone: Syltherin Edition by JKR

King Charles III by Mike Bartlett

Edge of Twilight by Paula Christian

This Side of Love by Paula Christian

Serious Money by Caryl Churchill

The Waves by Virginia Woolf

Gay Old Gals by Zsa Zsa Gershick

Men Like That: A Southern Queer History by John Howard

Carmilla by Joseph Sheridan Le Fanu

Searching for Sappho: The Lost Songs and World of The First Woman Poet by Philip Freeman

If Not, Winter: Fragments of Sappho translated by Anne Carson

Maiden, Mother, Crone: The Three Faces of the Goddess by D.J. Conway

Victorian Sappho by Yopie Prins

Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen (Collectors Edition)

Romeo & Juliet by Shakespeare (Collectors Edition)

Collection of Best Loved Fairy Tales by Hans Christian Anderson

The Norton Anthology of Drama Vol.1

The Norton Anthology of Drama Vol. 2

A Noble Treason: The Story of Sophie Scholl & The White Rose Revolt Against Hitler by Richard Hanser

The Art of Dramatic Writing by Lajos Egri

Strong is the New Pretty: A Celebration of Girls Being Themselves by Kate T. Parker

A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L’Engle

Our Town by Thorton Wilder

A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens

The Hunchback of Notre Dame by Victor Hugo

Cloud Nine by Caryl Churchill

My Own Words by Ruth Bader Ginsberg

Bad Feminist by Roxanne Gay

Cinderella Ate My Daughter: Dispatches From the Front Lines of the New Girlie-Girl Culture by Peggy Orenstein

Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf by Edward Albee

The Woman Warrior by Maxine Hong Kingston

How to Be A Woman by Caitlin Moran

The Elements of Style by Strunk & White

Brave New World by Aldous Huxley

The Curly Girl Handbook by Lorraine Massey

Save The Cat! The Last Book on Screenwriting You’ll Ever Need by Blake Synder

No Sisters by Aaron Posner

Three Sisters by Anton Chekov

Gmorning & Gnight by LMM

Carry On, Warrior by Glennon Doyle Melton

The Feminine Mystique by Betty Friedan

The Original Folk & Fairy Tales of the Brothers Grimm

The Complete Works of William Shakespeare

Yes, Please by Amy Poheler

Becoming by Michelle Obama

Eleanor Roosevelt: In her Words edited by Nancy Woloch

What I Know For Sure by Oprah Winfrey

Astrology 101 by Kathleen Sears

All the Single Ladies: Unmarried Women and the Rise of an Independent Nation by Rebecca Traister

Mrs. Dalloway by Virginia Woolf

A Midsummer Night’s Dream by Shakespeare

The House on Mango Street by Sandra Cisneros

The Short Life of Sophie Scholl by Hermann Vinke

1984 by George Orwell

feminist theory by bell hooks

The Heart of a Woman by Maya Angelou

The House of Mirth by Edith Wharton

To the Lighthouse by Virginia Woolf

Dear John, I Love Jane: Women Write About Leaving Their Men for Women editied by Candace Walsh & Laura Andre

Anger by Thich Nhat Hanh

A Moment’s Liberty: The Shorter Diary of Virginia Woolf abridged and edited by Anne Olivier Bell

Hidden Figures by Margot Lee Shetterly

The Book of Unknown Americans by Cristina Henriquez

The 100: Day 21 by Kass Morgan

The Feminist Papers: From Adams to Beauvior: A Collection of Feminist Essays Throughout History edited by Alice S. Rossi

Appeals in Modern Rhetoric by M. Jimmie Killingsworth

Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen

A Survival Guide for Stage Managers by Mary Ellen Allison

Wonder Woman and Philosophy: The Amazonian Mystique edited by Jacob M. Held

The Awakening by Kate Chopin

The Entire Harry Potter Series by JKR

the Entire Percy Jackson/Heroes of Olympus Series 

Together We Rise: Behind the Scenes of the Women’s March by the Women’s March Organizers

The Stage Management Handbook by Daniel A. Ionazzi

Girl Talk: What Science Can Tell Us About Female Friendship by Jacqueline Mroz

Making it On Broadway by David Wienir and Jodie Langel

I Am Malala by Malala Yousafzai

Patience and Sarah by Isabel Miller

Alexander Hamilton by Ron Chernow

Slaughterhouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut

Ceremony by Leslie Marmon Silko

Eleanor Roosevelt: Vol. 3: The War Years and After by Blanche Wiesen Cook

A New Earth: Awakening Your Life’s Purpose by Eckhart Tolle

The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck by Mark Manson

Eleanor & Hick: The Love Affair that Shaped a First Lady by Susan Quinn

Adulting: How to Become A Grownup in 468 Easy(ish) Steps by Kelly Williams Brown

Seth’s Broadway Diary by Seth Rudetsky

Stage Management: The Essentials Handbook by Gail Pallin

Is It a Date or Just Coffee? The Gay Girl’s Guide to Dating, Sex, and Romance by Mo Brownsey

Rad Women Worldwide by Kate Schatz

Technical Theatre for Non-Technical People by Drew Campbell

Virginia Woolf: Life and London: A Biography of Place by Jean Moorcroft Wilson

A Collection of Robert Frost’s Poems

All Passions Spent by Vita Sackville-West

The Backstagers by Andy Mientus

Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen

Simon vs. The Homosapien Agenda by Becky Albertalli

The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood

Guyland: The Perilous Wold Where Boys Become Men, Understanding the Critical Years between 16 and 26 by Michael Kimmel

A Room of One’s Own by Virginia Woolf

Three Guineas by Virginia Woolf

Why I March: Images from the Women’s March Around the World

The Unofficial Harry Potter Cookbook by Dinah Bucholz

Little Women by Lousia May Alcott

What We Do Now: Standing Up For Your Values in Trump’s America: A Collection of Essasys by an assload of people

The Lady’s Guide to Petticoats and Piracy by Mackenzi Lee

The Resolutions by Mia Garcia

Next to Normal by Tom Kitt & Brian Yorkley

Wanted: The Book I Wrote in Middle School

The Scottish Play (I WONT WRITE IT) by Shakespeare

Riotous Flesh: Women, Physiology and The Solidarity Vice in 19th Century America by April R. Haynes

Black Feminist Thought by Patricia Hill Collins

Dear Ijeawele, or a Feminist Manifesto in Fifteen Suggestions by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

Savage Beauty: The Life of Edna St. Vincent Millay by Nancy Milford

Orlando by Virginia Woolf

Alias Grace by Margaret Atwood

The Voyage Out by Virginia Woolf

Night and Day by Virginia Woolf

Dykescapes: Short Fiction by Lesbians editied by Tina Portillo

The Myth of The Goddess: Evolution of an Image by Anne Barrin and Jules Cashford

On Our Own Ground: The Complete Writings ofWilliam Apess, a Peaquot

We Should All be Feminists by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

The Letters of Vita Sackville-West to Virginia Woolf edited by Louise DeSalve and Mitchell A. Leaska

At This Theater by Playbill

[w0tchervie]

[ ooc: i made this a private post in like . may 2020 and i'm going through all my posts now and unprivate-ing this ... it's incomplete and i dON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S FOR!! ]

so this is: sassy slughorn (from the archives).

SLUGHORN: What would make you say that, my girl? You’ve brewed some top notch potions together and it’s only September!

ANDIE: Well - see, it’s not that, Professor… he’s just. Have you seen him?

ANDROMEDA: What’s he hiding under there?? And… well… he’s a Muggleborn, which means he can’t possibly be excelling in the course—

SLUGHORN: But Miss Black, Ted Tonks gets better marks on his essays than you do. I’m surprised too, m’dear, but, well, you can’t ignore a hard worker!

(Slughorn hair flip vibes or some other mic drop thing,,,)

[omgpoindexter]

imagine on Valentine's Day,,aka Derek Malik Nurse's (loml) birthday, and everyone is super focused on their SO (Derek isn't mad, he's used to it) he goes the whole day thinking everyone forgot until he gets invited over to the haus for team dinner and is surprised w a birthday party, and this boy is so overwhelmed he's like lowkey almost in tears. he asks who planned it and everyone looks at dex, who had the date circled w hearts all year. This is pre-relationship but they're Screwed

this is the cutest prompt ever and it jumped right to the top of my list ooops hehe. this starts off kind of boring because nursey’s day also starts off boring, so stick in there lmao. i liked writing this a lot, so enjoy!

“Do you think roses are okay?” Chowder asks from the couch, where he’s lying down staring at the ceiling, throwing Nursey’s eraser up into the air and catching it repeatedly. “Too cliche?”

Nursey smiles and shakes his head, but doesn’t stop writing. “Roses sound perfect, C. She’ll love them.”

The room falls silent and Nursey scribbles down some more notes in his essay plan. He’s sitting cross legged by the coffee table with his notebooks spread over it, three empty mugs resting on a copy of King Lear.

“How about chocolates?” Chowder says again after a minute.

Nursey sighs and drops his pen onto his notes. “Chris.”

“Yes?” Chowder catches the eraser and sits up. 

“You could buy Farmer literally anything for Valentine’s Day and she’d love it,” Nursey says earnestly.

Chowder grins. “Thanks, Nursey,” he says and vaults over the back of the couch. “I’m off to get some roses. Be back in ten!”

“Should I be fining you for this?” Nursey laughs. Chowder just sticks his tongue out and skips out of the door backwards.

Nursey sighs to himself once Chowder has left and picks his pen back up.

Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. The Samwell campus has been swamped with hearts and red streamers for at least a fortnight. Valentine’s Day has never been Nursey’s favourite holiday, mostly because it falls on his birthday.

Bitty’s voice drifts from the kitchen, his conversation rife with pet names. Nursey smiles to himself. He assumes that fines don’t really count on a day dedicated entirely to romance. 

Nursey wakes up on his birthday to his phone ringing and several birthday messages from friends back home. He chats to his moms as he makes his way to the Haus at 09:00.

“Happy birthday, bro,” Whiskey shouts at him on his way out of the door, clutching a bouquet of flowers and seemingly in quite a bit of a hurry.

“Thanks!” Nursey yells at his retreating back.

“Good morning, Nursey!” Bitty sings as he walks into the kitchen. “Happy birthday! I’m off and I think most people have gone out, but there’s some breakfast in the oven just heatin’ up.”

Nursey blinks at him. “Oh,” he says. “Alright.”

His phone buzzes again his pocket and he pulls it out to check the screen. 

Dex: Happy birthday, Nurse! Have a good day

Dex: I’ll probably see you later.

Nursey smiles to himself, replying with a quick thank you and shoving it back into his pocket. For some reason his heart beats twice as fast as usual but he ignores it in favour of making his way over to the oven.

He pulls his breakfast from the oven, walks into the lounge and takes a seat on the couch. He turns on the TV and settles on watching Brooklyn Nine-Nine. Then, he sinks low on the couch and sighs.

For some reason, he’d thought this birthday would be different. His moms both worked every year, so they’d give him his presents and quickly get in the car before 8:30, leaving Nursey to spend his birthday at school. 

Samwell had been different. The hockey team are a new kind of family; even at Andover the hockey team were nowhere near as close. He’d been expecting something a bit less underwhelming for his birthday this year.

“Just you and me today, then,” he says to his breakfast.

But then he finishes his breakfast and his day sucks again. He sighs deeply and stretches himself out on the sofa, his mind drifting to the pile of schoolwork on his desk.

“Well, I’ve got nothing better to do,” he says to Andy Samberg before switching off the television.

The same evening, Nursey’s phone buzzes again on his desk, waking him up. He lifts his head up from his desk and holds his phone up to check the screen. 

Bitty: complusory haus team dinner, ten minutes :)

Nursey groans. Despite the members of Samwell Men’s Hockey being some of the best friends he’s ever had, he’s not feeling particularly friendly after spending the entire day with this nose in his textbooks, by himself.

He shoves his shoes and sweatshirt on anyway. It’s probably about a million dollars in the Sin Bin for missing a Haus dinner. 

When Nursey opens the Haus door, the building is uncharacteristically silent. 

“Bits?” he yells. Nothing.

“…Dex?” he tries after a moment, ignoring the way his heart speeds up.

Somebody giggles, and Nursey frowns. The kitchen door is never closed, but for some reason today he’s finding out what it looks like. He grabs the door handle and twists it.

“Happy birthday!”

Nursey lets out a yell of surprise and claps his hand over his mouth.

The entirety of the hockey team, plus Lardo, Farmer, Jack and Shitty, are gathered around the table, on which sits a birthday cake with sparklers alight.

Tears prick his eyes.

Never before in his life has Nursey had a group of friends that cared this much, so much that they would choose him over their significant others. Chowder and Farmer were even here together, despite Chowder being so excited about his Valentine’s Day date rest and constantly telling the rest of the team about it. 

“Is he crying?” Ransom whispers very loudly, pausing mid-banner wave.

“Nurse…” Dex says uncertainly, “are you okay?”

Nursey nods as his tears start to spill over. “Yeah,” he says hoarsely.

“Aww, Nursey, honey!” Bitty croons, making his way over to Nursey with his arms open wide. Nursey steps into his embrace and begins to cry properly as the rest of the team join in for a group hug.

“Thank you guys, so much,” he says. “Really. Nobody’s ever done anything like this for me before. I love you all.”

More awwing and crooning follows his words, and Nursey finds a plate shoved into his hands with the famous Haus dinner. 

“It’s Dex you should thank, Nursey,” Shitty says with a wink as Jack hands him a plate. “He planned all this.”

Nursey blushes; somehow, Shitty always knows what Nursey’s thinking, so he of course knows about Nursey’s growing crush on Dex. Nursey ignores him.

But when everyone’s getting their plates, chatting and laughing amongst themselves, Nursey approaches Dex with flushed cheeks and a grin.

“Thank you so much, Dex,” he says, hoping he sounds at least half as chill as he’s trying to be. “I mean it. I didn’t realise I was worth all this.”

Dex scoffs and grins back. “Of course you are. Happy birthday, Nursey.”

Nursey’s insides light up and if he spends the rest of the night looking at Dex in some sort of enraptured adoration, nobody mentions it. They definitely notice, though.

send me a prompt!

[thesinglesjukebox]

TAYLOR SWIFT - BEAUTIFUL GHOSTS

[3.50]

Taylor takes a chonce...

Thomas Inskeep: Where we learn that Swift has ambitions of writing relentlessly overblown, ridiculously florid Broadway songs just like her co-writer, Andrew Lloyd Webber. And god, her keening vocal on this makes me want to punch someone. [0]

Alfred Soto: Her voice is not her strongest element, a fact this farrago overlooks. By comparison her accent on "London Boys" is a Meryl Streep Oscar stroke. [2]

Katherine St Asaph: I don't mind Taylor Swift being on this, in theory (in voice is a somewhat different proposition); Sarah Brightman was a dancer in Hot Gossip. Nor do I want to reassign this piece to Andrew Lloyd Webber's cat. I could even, begrudgingly, stop minding that Nile Rodgers worked on this, or that there's a gratuitous Phantom reference, or that the whole thing is a worse version of Jekyll and Hyde's "A New Life," when Cats already had the blueprint for "A New Life." But I do mind there being no structure, melodic, emotional, or otherwise. [3]

Katie Gill: The idea of adding in a song to CATS kind of misunderstands the structure of the musical. You see, CATS already has a big awards bait song, "Memory," which is musically is integrated into the show via a prelude at the end of act 1, other cats singing the tune at various point, and the prelude ending with a leitmotif often heard throughout the show. HOWEVER, now "Beautiful Ghosts" exists. It's positioned as a direct response to "Memory" and ALW loves his goddamn leitmotifs so logically it should sound like a response to "Memory", but it doesn't! It just sounds like a Taylor Swift song! Likewise, if this song is a direct response to "Memory" then one would think it would come AFTER "Memory" or the "Memory" prelude. However, "Memory" is the emotional climax of the show and the prelude is the Act 1 finisher, neither of which are a good time to add in a pop song to kill the plot. "Beautiful Ghosts" should really be positioned as a response to "Grizabella the Glamour Cat" because the transition between that song and the next one is an awkward spot in the musical that the pop song + a bit of dialogue could help smooth over. HOWEVER, if you position "Ghosts" as a response to "Grizabella" then it'll occur way too early in the film and also rob "Memory" of its lyrical impact. Part of the big impact of "Memory" is that you've had two goddamn hours of fiddle-dee-dee Jennyanydots whimsical nonsense and then WHAM, we go right into "touch me / it's so easy to leave me" which gives us the big, giant, emotional impact that "Memory" deserves and dammit, I don't have anywhere else to write about how this addition means that ALW fundamentally misunderstands his own musical so y'all are going to have to put up with me here. [4]

Jackie Powell: What makes this recording so charming is how practically imperfect it is. And I mean that as a compliment. The attempt at a British accent aside, Taylor Swift did her homework. And I'm not talking about T.S. Elliot, which I'll return to. This performance reminded me of Roland Barthes' "The Grain of the Voice," an essay that discusses how perfect vocals aren't what always sell a performance. The French philosopher and critic pontificates that a singer who is compelling has what he refers to as a "grain" or the "body in the voice." In other words, when Swift embraces her weaker while spectral head voice on the verses, cracks on the last line of the bridge and forces her belt on the last note of the entire song, she embraces Barthes' "Grain of the Voice" almost to a tee. Her belting is far from bodacious and like Jackson McHenry of Vulture, I question if this Andrew Lloyd Webber penned melody was really meant for Swift. But ALW did, in fact, need her. "If you can't get T.S. Eliot, get TS," she said while in the studio with Webber. "I'm here for you." And TS does study up on T.S. In "Beautiful Ghosts," Swift penned a lot of gerunds and descriptive nouns that have shapeshifted into gerunds. Or sometimes she just uses the suffix -ing more than twice the amount that Elliot employed it in his 1915 poem "Hysteria." In between all the "Chonces" being "Bawn into Noothing" and being "let intou," it's endearing to get a sense of Swift's acting chops via listening to her inflection, diction and even her ability to weld some dynamics that we don't often hear in her own catalog. But Swift was in between too many decisions. Was this supposed to be a pop version of a Broadway-style song? Was this supposed to be akin to Demi Lovato on "Let It Go?" (Maybe not, as we all know which version of the song is sung at karaoke.) But with all else being equal, Swift shalt have made a commitment to one of these two worlds: she's now clinging to pop but Broadway is now calling? She's straddling between these two islands and it doesn't work as well as she might have "waaanteed." [7]

Isabel Cole: Is it weird that I think I would like this better if it were more awful? Taylor Swift and Andrew Lloyd Webber are not similar artists, but they are two people who have between them made [checks spreadsheet] a million bajillion dollars by being wildly extra and unafraid of leaning the fuck in. Many of my favorite Taylorisms are fun because of their hyper-earnest theater kid melodrama (just think of the tremor with which she sings another girl in "Style"); many of my childhood memories involve belting "Memory" in my bedroom. But this is just so... dull. TS + ALW 4 CATS sounds like a nightmare of unhinged excess, but this could be any generic Best Song Oscar also-ran; the most interesting part is that she reuses the best line from "Fifteen." Worse, these artists who can write a hook that will be stuck in your head until the end of time somehow came together to write a melody so sprawlingly uninspiring I cannot hum it after several listens. There's nothing here even to make fun of beyond (objectively funny) Taylor's sporadic British affectations. Like, come on, guys: I'm not sure you can do better than this, but I know you have it in you to do worse. [2]

Alex Clifton: Cats didn't really need a new song (nor, frankly, did we need the new nightmare adaptation) and I'm mixed on Andrew Lloyd Webber at best, but this still hits my heart somewhere, especially with Swift's breathy delivery for the first half of the track. I am both surprised and annoyed to relate to a song sung by a cat. Points deducted for chooooooooooonces. [6]

Natasha Genet Avery: Let's dispense with the obvious: 1. That newfangled British accent is...something. 2. Playing into her favorite victimhood narrative, Swift's contribution to Cats *had* to one-up Grizabella ("At least you have something!". 3. This is blatant Oscar bait. Now onto the meat: Cats is a corny and embarrassing head-scratcher. Cats is why people don't trust musicals. I love Cats. To me, to anyone who has been in a musical, musicals are about unreasonable, outsized commitment--you peel off your self-protective shield of irony and spend dozens, if not hundreds of hours donning clown-school makeup and spandex, somersaulting across the stage and belting the praises of storybook animals. If you're entrusted with a big number, you practice and practice until your delivery is technically masterful, if not heavy-handed. Beat me to death with that vibrato. Fuck me up with those dynamics. Leave it allll on the stage. And so, when Taylor set out to out-emote "Memory", she agreed to take on 30 years of mockery, three key changes, Elaine Paige, 600+ professionally recorded covers, and countless school productions and karaoke renditions. A lot of people fault Taylor for being a try-hard (I've always found it sort of endearing), but here, she simply didn't try hard enough. Swift admitted that she wrote most of "Beautiful Ghosts" "immediately after hearing the song for the first time." Without T.S. Eliot's hand, Beautiful Ghosts" is empty, untouched by whimsy. Oh, and the singing: Swift is sorely out of her depth, and mostly opts for limp falsetto, culminating in a strained, awkward belt. We'll see what Francesca Hayward does with it, but for now "Beautiful Ghosts" should get booted from the clowder. [3]

Wayne Weizhen Zhang: I consume music of all genres voraciously -- with the exception of musical soundtracks. This is for a number of reasons: 1) I haven't seen a lot of musicals, 2) for the ones I have seen, I tend to find the music and lyricism overwrought and boring, and 3) I would prefer to just listen to artists' original music outside the parameters set by some make believe world. I was worried that I would have a tough time trying to check my own bias in reviewing this song, but am now relieved and confident in asserting that "Beautiful Ghosts" is objectively bad. In an alternate reality, this could be a compelling country-lite track on Fearless or Red, or even a synth heavy ballad on 1989, but here, Taylor just sounds drowsy with a weird British accent, selling a metaphor that makes about as much sense as the utterly bizarre Cats movie trailer. [3]

Andy Hutchins: One tweet that has stuck with me is the one that correctly called Reputation — before its release, even! — the final boss of 2017. I think Cats might play a similar role for the final days of 2019 and the first month or so of 2020, even if its pitch is obviously to a smaller segment of the population than pre-Crisis Taylor reached. So how convenient it is that we have Taylor here, indulging her theater kid impulses with none other than Andrew fucking Lloyd fucking Webber co-writing, singing her heart out in the ingenue role she's clung to throughout her 20s for better and worse (which is, hilariously, not her role in the film itself!), pining for something wild for what feels like the 20th time. "Beautiful Ghosts" is as subtle as a hurricane, and churns powerfully, and Taylor almost hits that note at the end — the strings wouldn't swell if she'd hit it perfect, of course. It's good. Fine. Whatever. This sort of hopeful schmaltz is so safe, though, that it mostly makes me wish that Taylor were still willing to take excursions from beaten paths: That way lies "Style," even if you might have to double back from the doorsteps of "Look What You Made Me Do" or "End Game" on occasion. [5]

[Read, comment and vote on The Singles Jukebox]

[wildpeachfarm]

See the thing is with streaming its going to die regardless, yes companies handing out less contracts is killing it further but its already dying at a fast rate? I'm not a stream hater either btw I really enjoy them but like. For example. 2020, 2021? When school was remote and I only ever worked mornings because of covid hours? I was clocked into that Philza 8hr stream DAILY. I was scheduling my classes around those streams so I could do homework while listening/watching. Went as far as to use my monthly speaking privilge to ask Phil what date British Daylight Savings began so I could keep my schedule clear. The second everything was no longer remote, and store hours went back to normal, I maybe caught 2, 3, maybe 4 streams in that year before I decided enough was enough about QSMP and I LOVE hardcore content.

From a company standpoint I can see why YT may not be interested in handing out streamer contracts anymore. Like Dreamie and a few others they're recognizing the Covid Number Boom is over- but unlike Dreamie, because theyre a corporation, they can't just "stick it out" and "recelebrate milestones". They have a "bottom line" to protect and they're not getting that same sweet sweet ad revenue from streams because of decreased viewer counts. Esp bc people don't just go back and watch vods unless there's a REAAAALLY good reason to. So no ad viewership there either. They're going to go back to relying on videos (and unfortunately probably shorts as well, I hate the tiktok-ification of every socmed site) to keep their ad revenue up, especially with the battle of ad blockers. I see more ad and monitization deals being handed out.

With streams (bc vod watching is lowkey practically nonexistant) not being in high demand bc of time constraints (happening while busy, timezones issues) the demands for videos will be higher as videos are ALWAYS readily available. Someone uploads at midnight your timezone? I mean it'll be there when you wake up, you won't have "missed" anything like you would have a livestream. Get a video schedule set out and you're GOLDEN- the first thing I do when I get home from work is check if a handful of youtubers have uploaded to put on to watch. If not, I rewatch some of my fav vids.

Also psychologically I actually think this is for the better of all CCs as a whole. Streaming, esp for some of the hourly requirements some of these ppl either HAVE to hit to get paid or WILLINGLY put themselves through (Tubbo) you have to wear your persona the ENTIRE time. You have to make sure you don't slip up that ENTIRE time. You have to be entertaining the ENTIRE time. You have to filter yourself because it's all live. To me this just sounds like what I do on a daily basis masking my audHD and that shit is so tiring and it's why I could NEVER be a streamer. If you're recording videos you can control what goes out. You don't have to wear whatever persona you decide to put on for 8hrs for a stream, you can record 3 hours of footage and then be done for the day, and that can either be one video or multiple depending on a lot of factors. Accidentally say your mom's name? Cut the clip. Bit isn't funny? Cut the clip. They will still have to actively filter themselves yes but for a much less amount of time. In the end CCs will have a lot more mind power that they're not using up to take care of themselves. I genuinely think it's psychologically better for them all.

It's unfortunate that the streaming industry is going to collapse this way. But also seeing how the communities heavily affected by streaming are more drama filled than communities w/o streaming, I'm lowkey hoping it's for the best. Pulling the plug like this imo is a mercy kill.

And now I'm gonna wash my mouth out for all that corporate speak I just used. Sorry for the manifesto. And if someone wants to put this manifesto on reddit idc just crop/block any usernames IG

I appreciate the essay-andy-ing these are interesting thoughts! I don't think the streaming scene will collapse entirely but I do think that it will become more advantageous to be a youtuber because people have found that to be the most consistent for many years as a CC rather than streams which require a lot of additional things (like you mentioned)

And I feel like we are seeing quite a few people say they're going to prioritize youtube more in the future which seems to be the beginning of that transition

I am curious if twitch will ever try to keep certain big-viewer streamers on the platform with 'kick-style' ($$$$) contracts.

[twistednuns]

November 2017

Watching the entire first season of Babylon Berlin with Lena and Obi. Eating popcorn and roasted pumpkin, talking about buying a house together.

The huge full moon and crystal clear nights.

Reading Ronja Räubertochter on a bright morning. What a lovely tale about love and nature. I wonder why I had never read it before.

Spending time with Moni's baby. And my mum. Who still thinks I'm super special, even after all those years.

Reading everything I can about feminism, queerness, gender politics. Roxane Gay's Bad Feminist was an excellent start and I'm looking forward to listening to some podcasts and reading Andi Zeisler's new book as well as Libertine magazine.

I'm obsessed with dumplings and creamy mushroom sauce. Comfort food deluxe.

Also, I realised that downloading free fonts and layouting grammar worksheets makes me feel all excited #word2010 Edit: I don't feel any less passionate about PowerPoint presentations.

"The haberdasher took my measurements - and my heart." - I think she is my favourite character in the Babblebrook series. Flawless.

My balcony has become a playground for a squirrel and many tiny birds.

Reading about verselbstständigte Diminutive on Wikipedia #linguisticsnerd

Before the Internet.

Meeting Hannes. Bonding over languages, children's books, our Bavarian accent and the Rocky Horror Picture Show. We even made plans to watch it together next weekend. Now that was really nice for a change.

Spending my Sunday at Milla with GoSingChoir! We learned Sweet Dreams by Eurythmics. I love singing in a choir. I'll definitely go again. Afterwards we even did a little flashmob in a restaurant and performed our song in front of a very surprised audience. Also, the choir leader is very charming...

Hey Arnold series creator Craig Bartlett (explains)[] how he built the cartoon city that every ‘90s kid dreamed of living in.

Reading Roxane Gay's essay collection Bad Feminist. I didn't care much about her book Hunger but you know you're reading something excellent when every other page triggers a google research on interesting words or (pop) cultural phenomena.

Yanic proposed to Lexi! He got her a white mid-sized guitar for her birthday along with a gift voucher. It said: "If you want guitar lessons from your husband say yes!" What!

Seeing the Rocky Horror Picture Show with Hannes at Museum Lichtspiele. You can buy bags filled with props so you can throw or use them at the appropriate time during the movie. I still found rice stuck to my body when I went to bed that night. The cinema is made to look like Frank'N'Furter's mansion and you are allowed to sing, dance and yell insults during the movie. I had a very good time.

Having breakfast all afternoon at Café Münchner Freiheit with Hannes. Drinking coffee after coffee and only saying goodbye because it was time for me to walk over to Kammerspiele in order to see On the Road with Lexi.

Receiving quite some praise at work for my presentation and for organising the OBGYN talk for the girls. Even though both events were exhausting I quite liked talking to the parents (they had pretty good ideas). And the talk with the doctor went very well, too (hilarious at times thanks to Reena and Ermira). Also, taking care of Yvone. She's gonna be my next project.

(Many) drinks at Tollwood with Hannes. Considering getting tiger slippers as a Christmas present for my mum.

Ramen noodles and more mulled wine with Lexi and Lena.

Fargo-ing with Frank.

Checking out a new apartment offer thanks to Mr T. (I still don't know if I want it, noooo)

Mas Ysa - Face / Benjamin Clementine - Jupiter / Wolf Alice - Beautifully Unconventional / St. Vincent  New York / Rolling Stones - She's a Rainbow / Michael Jackson - Man in the Mirror / MGMT - Little Dark Age / Oliver feat. De La Soul - Heart Attack / Severija Janušauskaitė - Zu Asche, Zu Staub // and the creepy version of Heart of Glass in the third episode of The Handmaid's Tale.

[lapizusb]

B.III  Experiments with Bilderatlas Mnemosyne as method or heuristics (in chronological order from earliest to most recent)

http://www.engramma.it/eOS2/atlante/index.php?id_articolo=1618#III:Experiments

2001

Introduzione alla Tavola Fantasma. Tavola Fantasma ex tavola 42 di Mnemosyne: dal Teatro della Morte al Teatro della Pietà."La Rivista di Engramma". Issue 6. February/March 2001. Issue 6 of Engramma features an example of a tavola fantasma (ghost plate) entitled Mnemosyne: dal Teatro della Morte al Teatro della Pietà (Mnemosyne: from the Theatre of Death to the Theatre of Devotion and Compassion). A tavola fantasma is a display featuring initial stages of work with images from the Bilderatlas Mnemosyne. It is possible that a tavola fantasma may potentially result in the construction of a new Atlas plate. It is important to note that the editorial board of Engramma considers the tavola fantasma to be preparatory work and not an actual Atlas plate. Click here to see the tavola fantasma and to read what Engramma refers to as its saggio interpretativo or interpretative essay. For all of issue 6, click here.

2002

Tavola Tematica ex. 53. Dolore e Malinconia. "La Rivista di Engramma". Issue 14. February 2002. Issue 53 of Engramma features an example of a tavola tematica (thematic plate) entitled Dolore e Malinconia (Pain and Melancholy). Like the tavola fantasma, a tavola tematica is an approach to working with the Bilderatlas Mnemsoyne: it involves collecting a repertory of images identified with a particular theme identified in the Atlas. It then brings related images together from their various positions in the Atlas onto a single virtual display panel. Also in this case, it is important to note that the editorial board of Engramma considers the tavola tematica to be a way of working with the Atlas, and does not consider it to be a new Atlas plate. Click here to see the tavola tematica and to read what Engramma refers to as its saggio interpretativo (interpretive essay). For all of issue 53, click here.

2008

Tavola ’68: Mnemosyne 1968 – Mnemosyne 2008. "La Rivista di Engramma". Issue 68. December 2008. Issue 68 of Engramma features the first example of use of the Bilderatlas Mnemosyne as a heuristic device. All previous exercises with reading the Bilderatlas Mnemosyne can be understood as leading up to this experiment. The editorial staff of Engramma considers this plate to be the first example of an attempt at a new Atlas plate. The issue features a series of articles – including excerpts of essays by filmmaker, poet and philosopher P. P. Pasolini, psychoanalyst and philosopher J. Lacan and philosopher M. Foucault – along with original essays by Engramma contributors and the experimental Atlas plate Tavola ’68 or Plate ’68; the latter was created by collaborators of the Seminario Mnemosyne (Mnemosyne seminar) at the Centro studio classicA IUAV. An essay accompanies Tavola ‘68. Click here to see Tavola ’68 and to read its accompanying essay. For all of Issue 68, click here.

TASWIR Atlas. V Homage to Aby Warburg. Conceived by A.S. Bruckstein Çoruh in cooperation with the Berliner Festspiele and ha’atelier. TASWIR Project Atlas. Design by Benjamin Metz. 2008 and ongoing. An initiative sponsored by the Goethe Institut and the Robert Bosch Stiftung, the TASWIR Atlas was first presented in an eighteen-room exhibition at the Martin-Gropius-Bau in Berlin in 2009-2010, and then in the rooms of Aby Warburg’s library in Hamburg for the occasion of the conference Jewish Concepts of Law and Modern Legal Theory in 2010. According to the project’s description, TASWIR, “playfully relocates the axis of European Modernity, which in Warburg’s Mnemosyne is largely seen as an extension of the Renaissance and of classical antiquity, and positions classical exhibits and topics from Islamic and Jewish traditions as constituents of a contemporary order of things that can no longer be called Western.” In its description of its Atlas, TASWIR cites German philosopher of religion J. Guttmann and Austrian scholar of Jewish art history D. Kauffmann’s Geschichte der Attributenlehre (1877). TASWIR’s work with the Bilderatlas Mnemosyne is largely informed by interpretations of the Atlas by art historians G. Didi-Huberman and C. Zumbusch and its perspective on the Atlas is influenced by writing on W. Benjamin’s Arcades Project by scholars S. Buck-Morss, C. Zumbusch and artist J. Toufic. The project privileges the concept of Schlitterlogik or logic of slipping or slithering and the Ikonologie des Zwischenraumes or Iconology of Intervals. TASWIR describes its Atlas as “keep[ing] a kind of “surface-record” of its own doings, a digital palimpsest, overwriting its own history with continuous, yet ephemeral, visual, sonic, philosophical configurations.” For a description of the project, click here. For the TASWIR atlas, click here. For an essay on what the TASWIR Project refers to as the “tradition” of “palimpsest, abyssal matrix of creation” that it claims has been “repressed by European memory,” see the cited essay by Talmudic scholar D. Boyarin, The Song of Songs, Lock or Key: The Holy Song as a Mashal.in Reading of Midrash, 1990, and other essays by the same author.

2011

TASWIR Projects (2009 and ongoing). Essay by A.S. Bruckstein Çoruh. IBRAAZ: Contemporary Visual Culture in North Africa and the Middle East. 2 November 2012. An essay in the online journal IBRAAZ by curator A.S. Bruckstein Çoruh on the TASWIR exhibitions and Atlas.

ATLAS. How to carry the world on one's back? Curated by Georges Didi-Huberman. Museo Nacional Centro de Arte Reina Sofia, Madrid, 26 November 2010 - 28 March 2011, ZKM, Karlsruhe, 7 May - 7 August 2011 and Deichtorhallen, Hamburg, 1 October - 27 November 2011. This experimental exhibition is included in this section because it attempted to create a new walk-through Atlas: printed reproductions of individual plates from the Bilderatlas Mnemosyne were arranged in exhibition display alongside works of artists and scholars whose respective practices art historian G. Didi-Huberman identified as sharing affinities with processes at work in Warburg’s Bilderatlas Mnemosyne. It is important to note that the objective of the exhibition was not to explore instances of direct influence. The exhibition catalogue published by TF Editores, Madrid 2010 is out of print. For a descriptions of the exhibition as it took form in various cities, click the cities in the bibliographic reference above. For an interview with Didi-Huberman and video documentation of the exhibition at the Museo Reina Sofia, click here.

Histoire de fantômes pour grandes personnes (Ghost Stories for Adults). Curated by G. Didi-Huberman, with installation design by A. Gisinger. Le Fresnoy, Studio national des arts contemporains, Tourcoing. 5 October - 5 December 2012. This exhibition is also listed under the 2012 listings in sections II and III on Bilderatlas Mnemosyne exhibitions and Warburg’s Mnemosynein Contemporary Art (scroll down) because it appears to be the first documented exhibition in which an enlarged projection of a plate from the originalBilderatlas Mnemosyne was displayed, and because it can also be considered an exhibition of contemporary art. The installation design for the exhibition was developed in collaboration with artist A. Gisinger. The Fresnoy exhibition is also included here, in section I on experiments with Warburg’s Atlas because its expansion upon Atlas Plate 42 is an example of experimentation with the Bilderatlas Mnemosyne as a method or heuristics. For the Le Fresnoy archived description of the exhibition, click here. For a France Culture radio special on the exhibition edited with images from the exhibition, click here.

2013

Atlas, Suite. Curated by G. Didi-Huberman, with installation design by A. Gisinger. Museu de Arte do Rio, Rio de Janeiro. 28 May 2013 - 28 August 2013. This exhibition is a revisitation of the original Le Fresnoy exhibition (see the 2012 listing for Histoire de Fantômes pour Grandes Personnes provided above) with site-specific differences. For video documentation of the exhibition and related symposia, click here.

2014

Afteratlas. Curated by G. Didi-Huberman, with installation design by A. Gisinger. Beirut Art Center, Beirut. 23 January 2014 - 22 March 2014. This exhibition is a revisitation of the original Le Fresnoy exhibition (see the 2012 listing for Histoire de Fantômes pour Grandes Personnes provided above) with site-specific differences. For images of the exhibition, click here.

Nouvelles histoires de fantômes [New Ghosts Stories]. Curated by G. Didi-Huberman, with installation design by A. Gisinger. Palais de Tokyo, Paris. 14 February- 7 September 2014. This exhibition is a revisitation of the original Le Fresnoy exhibition (see the 2012 listing for Histoire de Fantômes pour Grandes Personnes provided above) with site-specific differences. For video documentation of the exhibition, click here.

Instrument Erinnerung Der Bilderatlas Mnemosyne von Aby Warburg (Memory Instrument – Aby Warburg’s Bilderatlas Mnemosyne). Organized in cooperation with the 8.Salon, Hamburg. Kunstraum Muenchen. 22 May – 15 June 2014. This exhibition featured a series of large-scale reconstructions of the Bilderatlas Mnemosyne worked on at 8.Salon in Hamburg between the years 2012 to 2014. It displayed these reconstructions of the Atlas alongside works by artists Andy Hope 30, O. Metzel and B. Reiß. The curatorial statement for the exhibition asserts that the Bilderatlas is not only an “instrument to be decrypted but to be applied” (English translation from the original German. As indicated by the links provided in the “Warburg” section on the 8.Salon website, the 8.Salon work with Mnemosyne appears to have been inspired by the Engramma online edition of the Bilderatlas Mnemosyne. To read more about the exhibition, clickhere. For more information on 8. Salon and its workshops dedicated to individual Atlas plates, click here.