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fortruthseekers · 3 years ago

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REFRESHER ON MY INSIDER SOURCES: BTW, this is Purv aka @p-redux. This is my original Tumblr blog I’ve revived to archive past source info.

In 2014, I first posted my insider source info. I didn’t have a Tumblr blog, so I posted everything on my old Twitter account, all the details the sources gave me then. The fandom, especially shippers, went into an uproar because my source info sunk the ship. The SamCait ship had barely started sailing and I sunk it before it had made it out into open sea. Shippers have never forgiven me for that. Mea culpa, mea maxima culpa.

Throughout the years, I’ve reiterated my source info, but summarized it because most people had already heard it, and I didn’t see a need to keep rehashing it. The more time past, the more it became clear Sam and Cait weren’t a couple, and that the info I had shared with the fandom AHEAD of time was true. Cait was seen with Tony a lot. And Sam was seen with different girlfriends or dates. But since I’m turning this account @fortruthseekers into an archive account, I’m going to post the original source DETAILS again, for newbies. This post is going to be LONG, very long, because I go into detail. Read it if you need a refresher on what I said previously about sources, or if you’ve never read the source details before. Click on Keep Reading to find the rest.

Okay, so about sources. REAL sources. I live in Los Angeles and used to be in the industry many years ago. As a result, I still know people in the industry. And just by living in L.A., you meet people who know celebs. In 2014, I got who I call “my original industry source” through a friend who knew I was watching Outlander. And she thought it would be cool for me to talk to this industry person who had Outlander connections. My friend put me in touch with her so we could talk about our common interest. Initially, me talking to the source was just to schmooze about insider info, I wasn’t planning to make it public or create a celebrity insider info account. But I was surprised about how much she knew. At the time many people, including myself, thought Sam and Cait were most likely a couple, when the source told me she knew for sure they weren’t, I was floored. Then after she told me all the details of her interactions with Sam, Cait, and some of the Outlander cast, and the fact that she was friends with one of Cait’s besties, I knew I’d hit a huge source of info.

At first, the source didn’t want me to make the info public, she didn’t want to get in trouble, but she thought it was important that people knew the truth about whether or not Sam and Cait were a couple. She figured if they knew, then people wouldn’t get their hopes up and be disappointed when Sam and Cait became more famous, and would inevitably be seen with other people. As I said, that original industry source is good friends with one of Cait’s female best friends. And because she’s in the industry, she also had a connection to Sam through his talent agency. So, she had insider info on BOTH Cait and Sam. Jackpot.

Because I knew her full identity and knew I was talking to the real person on her real and blue check verified Twitter account, and my friend had introduced me to her, I could trust that her info was legit. She is also Instagram blue check verified and has made a name for herself in the industry. People would be shocked if they knew who she was. SHE is the one who told me 100% Sam and Cait were not dating and that 100% Sam is not gay. At first, she didn’t want me to post things publicly, but I begged and she finally relented, as long I would swear I would keep her identity private and would leave out some identifying details.

So, in 2014, I went public with all the details she told me. And through the years, EVERYTHING she told me turned out to be true. I didn’t have a Tumblr blog at the time, so all my source info was posted on my old Twitter account. I posted every detail of what she told me and I also posted some of her DMs with permission, and name blacked out. Unfortunately, all that is gone because I deleted my old Twitter account a long time ago.

The main points were: Sam and Cait weren’t a couple and never have been. When I said to her that I knew actors were different than regular people, but that when I saw Sam and Cait talking about watching the wedding scene together, while drinking a bottle of wine, that there was no way they didn’t hook up at some point. She said she’s been around a lot of actors and said Sam and Cait are both natural flirts and very touchy-feely people, and she didn’t see anything out of of the ordinary in their interactions–she reminded me their behavior is the norm when promoting a show.

She also said Sam isn’t gay per people she’s talked to who know him. She knew the director of Batman Live, the live show Sam starred in years ago. The director was a gay man, and when she asked him if Sam was gay, since he seemed too good to be true and was so good-looking, he said no. And he said he and other crew who were hoping Sam was gay were disappointed that he was straight. The director told her that the reason Sam didn’t seem to have much of a dating history, was because he had always been focused on his career and on working out. And that because he was traveling with the show, there wasn’t time for a committed relationship. Later, we found out that Sam had indeed been dating a woman named Katie Rebekah, but they broke up because she moved from London to Australia, and Sam started to tour with Batman Live. That’s the info I got in 2014. If Sam was gay, the gay director would have told my source and squeed about it.

This source used to work between New York and Los Angeles. She was in New York for one of her TV shows during the July 2014 premiere of Outlander and hung out with Cait and Cait’s bestie, as well as some of the other OL cast and crew. She also had some business meetings with Sam in NY. She confirmed Sam brought Amy Shiels as his “plus one” to the premiere and even skipped out on an unplanned event the cast was invited to because he “had a date.” When they saw him the next day and asked him how his date went, source said Sam replied “It was great!” Even though this source got info from Cait’s bestie…the bestie kept quiet about Cait and Tony, and simply said that Cait and Sam weren’t a couple….I found out about Tony from someone else...more on that later.

This source did share some info about what Cait thought about Sam. She said that Cait cared about Sam as a costar and friend, and they got along very well. But Cait said Sam was not her type, that Cait didn’t date actors, and that Cait referred to Sam as “a bro,” and that Cait was not into guys who spent so much time in the gym. She said Cait genuinely liked Sam as a person, but there was not more to it. And that Sam was just a big flirt, and that they were both trying to promote Outlander as much as possible because they knew it was their big break.

This is also the source who told me that Cait’s friend, the one the source is friends with, didn’t particularly care for Sam. To be very clear: I don’t feel this way about Sam, Cait doesn’t feel this way about Sam, and my source doesn’t feel this way about Sam. In fact, my source said Sam “was lovely” to her and “a sweetheart.” But one of Cait’s besties, just ONE FRIEND–not plural, the friend said that she thought Sam “could be self-absorbed,” and “douchy.” ONE of Cait’s friends said this. No one else said this. And that was way back in 2014. I’m sure Sam has matured since then, as people tend to do as they get older. BTW Cait has a lot of close friends, some of which aren’t well known to fans. Reiterating: Cait doesn’t feel that way about Sam, the source didn’t feel this way about Sam, and I, Purv, don’t feel this way about Sam, nor have I said anything like that about Sam.

Back to Sam being a natural flirt, remember, even Cait said “he could flirt with a lamppost.” Well, my source said that the times she saw Sam at business meetings, he was always very nice to her and would greet her with a big bear hug, tight enough that she could feel how hard his chest was. He would look down at her, right into her yes, hold her gaze, and smile big at her. And this was a woman he was not interested in romantically. He was just being friendly and sweet. Imagine how high the charm wattage is turned up for a woman he IS interested in. No wonder that Samshine has been hard to resist. This is also the source who said that Sam would always say goodbye to her by saying his now ubiquitous “Let’s get together for a wee dram when you’re in Scotland.” Of course, that “wee dram” never happened. I think that’s just Sam’s people pleasing qualities coming out, never wants to disappoint anyone. The source also said whenever he would text or e-mail her for business related stuff, he was always super enthusiastic and used a lot of exclamation points !!!!!!

Anyway, my original industry source “broke up” with me years ago because she didn’t want to chance anyone finding out who she was, as Outlander got bigger, and as she got bigger in the industry. I still sometimes look at her Twitter and IG all nostalgic, remembering when it all started...ah, memories...

My second major source was my Tony family source. My Tony source is someone from Glasgow who was friends with someone I’d known for awhile. My friend put me in contact with her. The Tony source approached me to tell me that she was shocked to find out a relative of hers (later found out it was her brother) had revealed “the lead actress from that new show Outlander is dating Tony McGill.” She was shocked because she and her family have known Tony and his family for years, all of them growing up in and around Glasgow. Her brother went to school with Tony and his brother, Joe. She then told me the whole backstory of Cait and Tony. She wanted me to keep the info to myself and she had no motivation or intention of making it public. But she finally agreed, after I gave my word that I would protect her identity and I have.

What she shared with me in late 2014 is that her brother found out their friend, Tony was dating Caitriona Balfe. At the time she said they’d been dating for about 9-10 months, that’s why I always put the start of their relationship around March 2014. She was told that by December 2014, the relationship was “dead serious” between them and that Cait had spent Christmas 2014 in London with Tony and his dad. And then Tony had flown to Ireland with Cait to spend New Year’s Eve and New Year’s with her family and friends (we’ve all seen the pic and video on Donal Brophy’s IG). My source said that Cait and Tony had been friends for 9 years or so at the time (again, this was told to me in 2014) and had met years ago when Tony rented out a room to one of Cait’s friends. They hooked up briefly back then and then remained friends, until it turned romantic again around March 2014. The source said that she and her family knew Tony and his family from back in the day, and she told me what school Tony went to in Glasgow (something I haven’t and won’t make public). She said that Tony had moved from Glasgow years ago and had been living in London for awhile (again, this was told to me in 2014). Also, that he and his brother owned a bar/live music place in London, The Library in Islington (they later opened a second one, The Reading Room, which Cait posted from on IG) and a music production company. And that prior to that, Tony was the band manager for some Scottish bands, most notable, The Fratellis. She described Tony as “fun, clever and hysterically funny.”

The Tony source came into the picture after I had my Twitter account up, where I was posting insider info given by my first source. I had already posted that Sam and Cait weren’t dating. This second source is the one that filled in the missing puzzle piece I didn’t know was missing and told me she knew WHO Cait was dating. I would have NEVER known the name Tony McGill associated with Cait if not for this source. He was on no one’s radar. And he wasn’t on social media. This source told me details only an insider would know. And I also had her full identity, so I knew she was legit as well. Then ‘lo and behold Tony started showing up places with Cait. There is NO way I would have known about Tony without this inside family source. No way. Of course after my source told me about him, I did look him up online and there was hardly any information about him. Never in a million years would I have linked Tony McGill with Cait on my own. And I mentioned Tony McGill way before he started showing up places with Cait. How could it be that I said sources told me Tony McGill is dating Cait, and then a man identified as Tony McGill is seen out and about with Cait? The only way I knew about Tony is because the source told me.

Back in the day, when Cait and Tony weren’t yet living together yet, people wondered how they made their relationship work given the sometimes long distances? Well, when they first started dating around March 2014, Cait was filming Outlander Season 1, so Tony would go to Glasgow or Cait would go to London on weekends. Then when Season 1 wrapped and Cait went back to L.A. (where she had been living) in late Sept. 2014, Tony went to L.A. to visit her in October 2014 (both their birthdays are in October, Cait Oct. 4 and Tony Oct. 12, not Oct. 14 like some have said. Libra/Libra bond!). The Fratellis were also in L.A. Oct. 2014 and Tony helped them out with some business stuff, even though he was no longer managing them then. Then, as I’ve already stated, Cait and Tony spent time together Dec. 2014 and January 2015 for the holidays. Then Valentine’s Feb. 2015, Cait flew to London for the opening of Tony’s 2nd bar, The Reading Room. She posted a pic on IG. Then in April 2015, Tony flew to NY to join Cait for the premiere of the second half of Season 1. Eyewitness sources saw him sitting with Cait’s friends at the screening and then with Cait and her friends inside the after party. There was one PUBLIC pic on Twitter of Cait, Tony and Sam. And I and others have been shown private pics of Tony there. Many of us have seen them but we couldn’t make them public because they show the location where they were taken, thus identifying the source who took them, and she would get in trouble with her boss. After that, in May 2015, Cait went back to Glasgow to begin shooting OL Season 2, and this time, she brought her cat, Eddie with her. Per more than one source, Tony pretty much lived in Glasgow after that with Cait. One person who went to Tony’s bars in Glasgow and then reached out to me, said that she had asked about Tony and was told “he doesn’t come around much anymore because he moved back to Scotland.” They then moved into their new place in Glasgow, move out of that one and into a new one in Glasgow, and also have a place in London, and are now married and had their first son. THAT’s how Tony and Cait made it work.

My Tony source also parted ways with me, also due to fear of being found out. She didn’t formally break up with me, the way the original industry source did, she simply ghosted me. But I also see her pop up on Twitter or IG sometimes and get all wistful. Oh well...

After I posted the insider info from BOTH these sources, then people started to contact me with source info. They knew I was Anon and would keep them Anon--win/win. People who went to Hollywood parties, or premieres, or meet and greets, people who saw celebs at the market, or baseball games, or the beach, or at the gym, or walking down the street, or just happened to be at the right place at the right time, started sending me info. From all over the world, wherever Sam and Cait were. And if I could confirm it to be true, I would post it. If I couldn’t completely guarantee it, then I’d say it was speculation. And that’s what I still do. Granted, back in the day, I was somewhat naive, and did get burned and betrayed a few times. I admitted when that happened. I’m much more careful now. But for the most part, the MAJORITY of the info I’ve posted has been ACCURATE. People who have been here for years can corroborate that. I don’t post everything that is shared with me though. And because my sources are actual real humans, they can’t know everything or be everywhere…I don’t always get minute by minute info, that doesn’t mean I don’t have real sources.

As for me also being the first to let the fandom know that Sam was dating Abbie Salt in 2015...I had a couple of Abbie sources. One of them turned out to be super sketchy and once I figured that out, we parted ways. My Abbie sources approached me after I had already established my account as an insider info sharing account. The motivation was to debunk that Cody and Sam were still seeing each other since they no longer were, and Abbie had started seeing Sam.

BTW: as an aside...I was also the one that, through an eyewitness source, told the fandom that Sam and Cody Kennedy had gone to the Matthew Morrison Halloween party in October 2014, and the source had seen them kissing while waiting for the valet to bring their car around. You don’t know the LENGTHS that Extreme Shippers went to to disprove my source. They even Google Earthed the driveway from the street to the valet and measured it trying to prove that my source could not have seen where Sam and Cody were waiting for their car. Hahahah omg. Except, my source wasn’t on the street, she was right next to them. After all the bullshit from ES, it’s a wonder I’m still here, but here I am...the strongest bitch you’ll ever meet. But I digress...

Anyhoo, back to Sam and Abbie. I had no idea Abbie Salt existed or that she had dated Sam before and was friends with him…until my Abbie source contacted me to tell me that Sam was no longer dating Cody Kennedy and had resumed dating Abbie Salt. Abbie met Sam years ago when her sister, actress, Charlotte Salt starred with Sam in “A Princess For Christmas,” they dated briefly then, and then rekindled their romance in early 2015. Cody Kennedy’s mom later confirmed this by posting publicly in response to a fan Sam and Cody had broken up because “Sam went back to his old girlfriend in London.” Abbie lives in London. Again…I was surprised because I had no idea…but all the info checked out and then whadda you know, Abbie started showing up in Glasgow…in Sam’s flat (IG pics since deleted)…in L.A. in February 2015 at the London hotel, West Hollywood seen and photographed by an eyewitness for Oscars Week parties (the pic is of Sam and the fan, taken by Abbie, fan said Abbie was super sweet)... n NY when he was there for the OL premiere April 2015 (she posted on her IG, since deleted the pics), in Miami when he was there (eyewitness and Miami source proof that they were in Miami together, and NO that was not me, it was a source) and in Barbados together (Barbados source confirmation, and NO that was not me, it was a source, and pics from Abbie and Sam Tweeted he had been in Barbados). After that, Abbie was in Glasgow and Sam in London, where Abbie lives, on several occasions…not to mention she was photographed as his date in Monte Carlo for the TV Film Festival. It couldn’t be a coincidence that the Abbie Salt sources told me about AHEAD of time, then started to spend all that time with Sam. I didn’t even know Abbie existed, how would I have ever known anything about her without sources?

I also told the fandom about Mackenzie Mauzy and Sam dating via a source who saw them in person, holding hands and leaving together at a Guns N Roses concert in Los Angeles April 1, 2016. A friend of someone I know in L.A. was there and recognized Sam. He told my friend that he’d seen “that Outlander dude, Sam Heughan holding hands with a blonde, leaving the Guns N Roses concert.” At first, I thought it may have been Cody Kennedy, but afterwards, sources came forth to confirm it was Mackenzie Mauzy. Later on, I was contacted by a different Mackenzie source and given more info, which I posted. That Mackenzie source ghosted me too because Mackenzie was probably asking questions as to who was doling out info. Also, by sheer providence, a fan was in the stands at the Dodgers baseball game in June 2016 and sent me a video of Sam and Mackenzie at the game together. Another source sent me the video of Sam and Mackenzie leaving their hotel together at San Diego Comic Con. I’ll repost all that in the archives. And someone I’ve known for years on Tumblr and trust completely came forward to share that she found out Sam and Mackenzie had broken up from one of Mackenzie’s relatives who live near her. Again, that was also by chance. Life can indeed be stranger than fiction. The relative told her Mackenzie wanted to get married and have kids and Sam wasn’t ready for that yet, so they broke up. That source came forth and identified herself on Tumblr, so that also proves my source info was legit.

In summary: I was the FIRST to let the fandom know Cait and Sam weren’t dating, Cait was dating Tony, and Sam was dating Abbie, and Sam was dating Mackenzie BEFORE anyone else knew. You can’t do ALL of that simply by scouring social media posts as haters would have you think. It’s just not possible. And reasonable people understand that.

Before Covid-19 hit, people who were attending industry events would contact me and say “Hey Purv, I’m going to the PCA, or the TCA, or the GoldenGlobes, or the Outlander Season premiere and after party, I’ll give you the scoop!” I’d say “Cool, thanks! Send pics or video and let me know what and who you see.” That’s it. No social media searches or data mining needed. There is no conspiracy involved. No one is “feeding” me info from Sam or Cait’s camps or non-shipper or shipper sides to propagate a certain “narrative.” It’s just different people, who are at the right place at the right time, or are privy to certain insider info, sharing it with me because they know I post info for fans who are into that. As I’ve said ad infinitum, I am quite simply THE MESSENGER.

Any questions, send me an Ask or a Direct Message on my MAIN account @p-redux Thanks!

#purvarchives #source #sources #realsources #samheughan #caitrionabalfe #p-redux #fortruthseekers #amyshiels #codykennedy #abbiesalt #mackenziemauzy #tonymcgill

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sscarn · 3 years ago

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Saturday, it started just like any other Saturday that I worked to make some extra money. I didn’t have to get anyone else ready, just me, myself and I out the door. I put the address into maps and I was off. I stupidly didn’t listen when Siri (that’s what everyone calls the voice of maps, right?!?!) told me to get off the second exit I came to because stupid Siri didn’t mention the upcoming traffic. So, I sat in the traffic, worried about how late I would actually be, but so far the traffic was only adding an additional 13 minutes, so I would still be in the office before my first patient’s appointment time and very slightly relaxed. I turned up the music and tried to decide how I would take on the rest of the day.

I knew my husband was probably still asleep and hungover as shit. He and a friend had finished a whole bottle of Elijah Craig the night before. I had had one whiskey sour but stopped drinking after I proceeded to take my son and our dog on a walk and three GIANT loose huskies ran up to us. They didn’t attack, but my dog had just been attacked by a chihuahua a few weeks prior, like legit attacked, so we had some PTSD and I just screamed for my husband to come help me because we barely made it up the block And I didn’t know what else to do.

So, I worked the short Saturday shift and decided we really needed to work on the pool liner. I helped my husband with that and we let the kids “help” too as the water was filling the bottom and we were working out the wrinkles. After we had put our time in, we decided to go out to eat at one of our favorite spots that is super kid friendly. They literally have the best French onion soup and the chocolate Kiss drink is like drinking your dessert. Since I didn’t really have a great Friday, I decided to meet up with some friends after dinner with my family.

We literally were having the best time!! Our one friend was turning 39 on Sunday and they all had went to school together, so I was the baby at the party. We all were laughing and joking and having the absolute best time. I tried doing a boomerang of us doing pistachio shots, that were absolutely incredible, but it took multiple tries and quite a few bloopers to get the perfect boomerang to post on Insta.

Fast forward to us moving outdoors for the smokers and to get some fresh air when I decided to tell one of my closest friends about a really weird experience I had had on Friday. There was this guy I went to school with that was asking me about OnlyFans and asked if he could send me some material to give him advice on. Needless to say it got way blown out of proportion when my friends drunk fiancée overheard the convo. He thought I was showing her nudeys of some guy and started to freak. That’s when he called me a “whore” which I’m not sure if anyone had actually ever called me before but I’m not saying I’m not, but I wouldn’t necessarily classify myself as one. But what exactly counts as a whore?

The dictionary says whore- noun: DEROGATORY prostitute. Well, for one, I’ve never actually been paid for sex. When I was younger I definitely have used my promiscuity to get things from men, but I never was actually paid for sex as I feel a prostitute would be.

This friend’s fiancé has been known to go to far after one too many drinks, but never have I seen him do it with anyone but his fiancé. Also, I believe us to be friends so even though I was pretty damn drunk, his words cut like a knife “WHORE” and then he proceeded to bring up he who shouldn’t be spoken of. And I’m not sure what else he said because then all I remember is being really drunk and I screamed back at him and then was being ushered into the house by friend because she wanted to

Protect me and not let me get hurt.

The fiancé ended up getting driven home by the only sober friend and we all sat and talked for awhile til I ended up passing out on a chair in the living room. When I woke up it was almost 5:30. My watch was missing. The cat was purring at me. And all that really stuck with me was being called a “WHORE”. Just the thought of the words stung my whole being. I mean I know I slept with someone I shouldn’t have. I’m

Married with children. I’m not supposed to have this crazy side sexual life, so the fiancé was right, right?! I was feeling queasy and knew I wanted to go home. I looked up an Uber and my stingey (is that even a word) self refused to pay $10 plus a tip

To walk 2 miles that I’ve run actually even ran in the past. So, I decided to gather my things, I had to sneak into my sleeping friends room and snatch my watch off the charger, found my purse and slide my green old navy flip flops on to begin my journey home.

As I walked down the hill from my friends house I saw the most beautiful sunrise and couldn’t help but take a couple good pictures even though I couldn’t really stop replaying “WHORE” in my mind. I think I was as close to sober as I could be at 5:30

In the morning and the weather was honestly quite perfect for my walk home. I spent the beginning of the walk thinking about just how much of a “WHORE”

I am. I definitely have slept with quite a few people, but since I’ve been married I’ve only fell in love once. Wait, what was I thinking, I fell in love and I’m married. Holy fuck I am a fucking “WHORE”. Who falls in love while

Being married. How fucking taboo? I mean Will and Jada have a relationship like this but we a far from Will And Jada, but are we? We are humans with needs and wants. And I needed more and succumbed to my husbands wants. My husband wanted me to sleep around! I am a “WHORE” !!!!

I kept walking with my head spinning, not sure if it was from the excessive amount of alcohol or the fact that my mind was making me believe I was in fact a “WHORE”. Every time I replayed the word in my mind the knife just seemed to cut deeper.

I was about halfway home when I felt the knife cut so deep, I’m not sure if it was seeing my pathetic reflection walking home from a drunken stupor or just the word “WHORE” repeated for the the millionth time

But I started to cry. The tears were just flowing. I wasn’t sobbing, but I was hurt. I felt like a “WHORE” and all over falling in love with someone that didn’t even feel the same, and then I remembered the other stupid thing I did while drunk. I blocked him after he looked at my Instagram stories and I attempted to text him “I hate you” possibly multiple times, but drunk me deleted all

And any evidence so I don’t even know what I truly said. I started to cry even more. So now I felt like a really stupid “WHORE”.

As I finished my trek home, i continued to cry and feel bad for myself because I was hurt. Hurt that I was just another one of his “WHORES”. I think the knife cut so damn deep because it made the reality sink in that he was only having sex with me just like any of the other girls he’d hook And walk away from. He was never really into me, he made it pretty clear with his actions and even though we were in a weird and difficult situation, if he had loved me, even the tiniest bit, he would have shown me even the smallest ounce more of respect. And that’s when I knew maybe this night was exactly what I needed. Maybe life throws these hard truths at you just to get you to open your eyes and see the bigger picture. So, maybe I am a “WHORE” but maybe I’m not. Maybe I just fell in love with the wrong person and made a lot of stupid decisions.

#my writing #real life #fiction #how it started #feedback needed #romance novels #writers on tumblr #emotions #books & libraries #novel #writeblr #writing #romance #writing smut

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vidavalor · 4 years ago

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They’re gonna fight whether or not that article is correct and I’m hoping for peak married angst, tbh...

I have thoughts on those rumors from that site that probably isn’t legit anyway but this is basically future SamBucky plot spec so yeah...

There’s no way to make a movie or another series (or both) of TFATWS/Captain America without Sam & Bucky having some conficts. They can still be in love and on the same team and everything but TFATWS essentially sets up at least several more bits of Sam-and-Bucky-centric story. At minimum, there’s a Captain America 4 (and if there’s a 4, there’s probably a 4, a 5 and a 6) and/or another season of TFATWS at some point. Which is why it’s interesting that they end TFATWS S1 in such a place of peak romance because it’s then all about establishing that foundation for the upcoming canon and they have to have more conflict in those stories than just how many stray cats they’re going to adopt. But there’s a *ton* of potential for the growth of their relationships over whatever they end up fighting about because there will be something.

I don’t know enough about the website that started the fighting rumor thing to have an opinion on whether or not it’s legitimate. Based on what you all who have been around this beat longer are saying, it seems to not be but I’d be willing to bet that if that’s the case, that site’s been sticking around by making logical story predictions for awhile and calling them leaks. Like, I could do a few myself. Here you go lol:

-Rumor has it that Joaquin Torres will don The Falcon wings in S2 of TFATWS!

-Rumor has it that Sam will struggle with the world being obnoxiously racist to its first public-facing Black Captain America in Captain America 4!

-Rumor has it that Bucky will once again interact with the characters from Wakanda in future bits of Marvel canon!

To me, saying that Sam & Bucky will fight in the future is as sure bet likely as any of the above and so was a safe rumor to start, whether or not the site is legitimate.

Since everyone’s talking about what their dream fight scenarios are and if we can’t just have the domestic bliss versions because there needs to be a plot (sadly lol), that would eliminate my dream sequence ‘they’ve taken up boxing in their training because Sam is determined to be able to knock Bucky on his ass without mentioning how fine his ass is as a distraction’ and I give you a whole Plotty McPlot set up in TFATWS for whatever the next story beat is (Cap Amer 4 or S2 of TFATWS)... the ‘Hydra Returns’ plot.

TFATWS conveniently gave the audience way more info than Sam & Bucky know about the antagonists right now. It’s not just that Karli was working for Sharon-- the audience knows about Madame Hydra and Walker but Sam & Bucky do not. They *couldn’t* know because the story needed them to have their Delacroix romantic happy ending, not just running right out to stop Hydra but Evil Elaine and John Walker are not going anywhere and that means that Hydra is going to be resurfacing in Sam & Bucky’s plot in the future. Now, imagine Bucky’s response to learning that...

Think Bucky is going to stay in line? Think he’s going to treat this like any other mission where he’s normally willing to back up Sam & is fine with that? Oh. Hell. No.

No Hydra people are getting within ten miles of any of his Wilsons. No way on Earth.

Bucky’s going to go rogue and the plot will somehow involve him seeming to get back into Hydra-- he’s either going to go undercover against Sam’s orders/will because Sam will be like no, he doesn’t need to do this to any authority asking and tell Bucky he can’t let him do this and Bucky’s going to have to work around Sam-- ironically, the guy who has always been about making sure Bucky has the space to make his own choices after all the free will that was stolen from him. Sam is objecting because he can’t see Bucky be hurt again and this is dangerous-- more so than the Zemo situation in TFATWS, especially since Sam can’t go with him. Bucky’s going to defy Sam to go do it anyway.

He’ll be undercover with Hydra when Sam comes after Hydra, resulting in Sam & Bucky possibly having to fight one another. (And, see, if they want to add in my boxing bit or another training sequence to the beginning of the movie when they’re in their happy domestic bliss to set up how they’ll fight one another for real later in the movie, NO OBJECTIONS HERE, MARVEL...)

Alternatively or in addition to that, Hydra could get ahold of Sam and hurt him in some way. (I’m really hoping this doesn’t go the route of them trying to get Bucky to prove that he’s really one of them by trying to force him to hurt Sam so let’s hope that doesn’t happen.) I’m not sure if I buy the rumors that Sam is going to get the serum in Cap Amer 4 or the next beat of his story or whatever. He could but it won’t be willingly if it he does. The only way that could happen is if someone forces it on him or if it’s some kind of accident. It’s made abundantly clear in TFATWS that Sam doesn’t want the serum and wouldn’t take it if he had the choice. He has real empathy as well for the fact that Bucky never had the choice and lives with that everyday. If they’re tussling with Hydra, though, it’s possible that something happens to Sam and he winds up being given the serum against his will and then will need to lean on Bucky in the future for help with figuring out how to deal with that. I would prefer they don’t do this. I love the possibility of it in terms of it being something for Sam to angst over & something for him & Bucky to go through together a bit-- storywise, it has potential-- but I like Human!Sam and I think that’s a better story, ultimately, than making him a literally super superhero.

But forget the serum in question, I could just see Sam & Bucky on opposite sides of the idea of how to handle Hydra and Bucky working undercover making Sam worried but he’s also aware that Bucky is their best in to stopping them. There’s just no way that they didn’t set Walker up with Madame Hydra in TFATWS for that plot to never really again cross paths with the former Hydra assassin and his husband who spent the whole season going up against Walker. It’s going to be all about Hydra & the next beat of SamBucky is totally Hydra-angst fanfic where they go through hell but save the day because their somarried trust in one another, even if they have a moment of doubt or something, will ultimately win out.

Bonus points if it ends with them sweaty and exhausted and beaten half to death sprawled somewhere after a fight and Bucky’s just like “I’ve been meaning to tell you... I think we should get a cat.”

#sambucky #sam wilson #bucky barnes #tfatws #captain america #hydra #theirgonnafightlikethemarriedcoupletheyareguys #undercoverbucky #the winter soldier #and then they're gonna gets cats

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genderfluidlucifer · 4 years ago

Text

Response to being asked to give an opinion on Connie’s calout by residentevil-4

(Tw: CSAM, rape fic, incest fic, predatory behavior, racism, ableism, kink mention, nsfw mentions. Minors should probably dni.)

“Connie and I know each other irl and went to school together for 3 years, although they now live in a different state and have cut contact with me. We went to a private therapy school in Manhattan as we're both disabled and were deemed unable to attend public school. Even though we were pretty close, Connie didn't like having photos taken of them, so I don't have any selfies of the two of us; however, these are from our sophomore and senior yearbooks which at least confirms that we were in the same year at school. People who have seen Connie's selfies should be able to confirm that that is what they look like. First and foremost, Connie is not TMA. They are intersex and the two of us have discussed intersex issues both in person and online, but they are still decidedly CAFAB.” Ok so first off, I want to address this part of the callout. To be honest...was it really necessary to literally doxx Connie ehre? Because this textbook definition of doxxing. Yes Connie’s done some shitty things but I freally don’t think that what they’ve done warrants this level of doxxing. Or...even better, any doxxing. This feels like a really unnecessary breach of privacy, revealing sensitive information on Connie’s childhood that they choose to confide in you with. I really don’t agree with this aspect of the callout as it feels very invasive and bordering on stalkerish. Btw when I say bordering on stalkerish I’m not directly calling you a stalker Bonnie. Just so we’re clear. I am not defending Connie supposedly faking being TMA. Because faking being TMA is a very serious issue. HOWEVER since I don’t know Connie irl and to be quite frank it’s none of my business what the nature of their agab is. Were not close and I’m certainly not going to like lead Connie onto thinking we’re friends just to confirm this with them because that would be creepy. So to be honest I’m going to take this part of the callout with again of salt for now.

[ID: A cropped screenshot of a numbered list Connie posted to their blog hadrosaurs in response to an ask.

“3. I’m TMA And that’s completely irrelevant. I’m not accusing them because of their gender I didn’t even know their gender when they said that to me saying that they said that because they fucking said that and the reaction to it was incredibly alarming. Don’t fucking say that stuff to people.]

I mean I”m not a trans woman so take this with a grain of salt if you want but...I don’t see how this is really proof of Connie being deliberately transmisogynistic? Yes Connie gives iffy retellings of mistakes they’ve made in the past. I’ve seen that on their blog before and I won’t pretend it doesn’t happen. BUT here they sound genuine enough and to be honest a growing issue I’ve seen with callouts as of late is. A person confirms they in fact did not do the thing they were called out for. And then the people who make the callout choose to see it as proof of incriminating behavior anyways. To be honest it’s a big problem and it’s also incredibly unfair to the person being called out. If you’re so determined at that point to see the person as bigoted no matter what they say then of course anything they say can be seen as proof. So I’m going to have to pass on this bit of evidence. “Connie responded: “Final note: I have spoken extensively with several trans women about using TMA to describe myself. I will not be getting into discourse about that on this blog again. All that leads to is people demanding my medical records and calling me slurs. If you wanna have a thoughtful conversation about it direct message me cause it’s not happening again here.” Again this really doesn’t seem all that self incriminating. Connie mentions here that they’ve talked to rl trans woman about whether or not they can be considered TMA. Connie really doesn’t have to disclose that personal information to people for any reason. Yes even when people are e including this ask response in a callout. And considering lots of people DO get invasive about Connie’s medical history ans general personal life over matters like this? I feel their reaction is pretty understandable here. “Connie has constantly compared “exclusionists” (or anyone, really) to TERFs, even when the people in question are not transmisogynistic, trans exclusionary radfems, or are even transmisogyny affected themselves.

“ Gonna have to disagree with this part of the callout too. Lots of ace inclus blogs, even some run by trans women , have proven that the ace exclus movement was started by swerfs/terfs. But the blog that has the most evidence for this is courteousmingler on tumblr. I suggest you check out that blog’s archiving of the history of ace exclus rhetoric before rushing to call me a transmisogynist for disagreeing with this part of the callout. I looked through all of the evidence for Connie being racist and tbh as a black ndn it all feels incredibly flimsy. It’d be one thing if Connie was using their experiences to derail and invalidate the discussions about how black people are oppressed But they weren’t doing that there at all. This part of the post feels incredibly biased. And like OP is looking for things to be mad about. Going to have to pass on this list of evidence. Also uh I seem to recall that residentevil04 got called out for some questionable behavior as well. “Both me (insepsy, hi) and ezrat have had really weird spikes in activity on our Statcounters, both on the same day. (Saturday, 4/17/21) For both of us, majority of the pages looked at by these visitors have been related to or about Connie, or have been posts that Connie would find "problematic" such as the f slur untagged or something related to "panphobia"/aphobia. I’m sorry but...none of the proof of cyberstalking holds any water. Visiting someone’s blogs and rbing posts to disagree with them is not cyberstalking. Keeping tabs on urls that an abusive person who has harassed are using so you can block them (in this case with kyoshi) and warn your mutuals is not stalking. As a victim of rl stalking it’s...really weird to call this legit stalking at all. Much less claim that you have damning proof of it being stalking when no such evidence exists in the callout. Besides after Connie and nonbinarydave called out one of kyoshi’s buddies for sending a death threat hate anon to nonbinarydave’s toddler st4lker partly admitted to doing it a few times. Then other mutuals in kyoshi’s toxic social circle clearly began joining in. Making side accounts where they tried to spin a false narrative of nonbinarydave’s daughter being one of their alters (ableist as hell.) And also trying to do it in such a way that they thought would trigger nonibnarydave’s psychosis (also ableist as hell.) If you’re going to drag Connie for their mistakes and never let them move on from those mistakes then it’s only fair to do that to people you agree with who also do toxic/bigoted things. ALso the fact that your wording here suggests that you think panphobia and aphobia aren’t real makes me doubt this claim even more. Exclus and their allies are notorious for mislabeling inclus disagreeing with them as stalking. “connie said that they would release that info at a later time and the minor began to argue with them that they had a responsibility regardless of their complicated relationship with age. in this argument connie for a time kept their age ambiguous and at one point told the minor (who confirmed in a later ask that they were severely traumatized by adults) that they obviously weren’t traumatized. connie quickly deleted this ask and any mentions of it and the next post they reblogged was about how wrong it was to try and quantify or discount others’ trauma. on my old blog i @ed them in the replies and asked if they had just done that. connie admitted to it and said it was fucked up but quickly blocked + deleted my comment. i can’t remember whether or not connie apologized to the minor, they may have? but yeah. i thought that was pretty weird.”] I do agree with some of the concern here that adults shouldn’t over expose minors in discourse. I’ve been contemplating this for awhile myself. And trying to figure out how to take better steps to avoid including minors who are triggered by discourse in discourse, especially. HOWEVER I have one little issue with this addition to the callout. If that is the case then exclus and their allies need to practice this as well. You cannot ignore the fact that the reason a lot of minors are getting involved in exclus discourse is due to adult exclus and their allies forcing minors to pick a side in the discourse. Y’all are not at all exempt from this problem. I still remember an ex mutual of mine trying to convince a minor to agree that aces can’t face corrective rape. And based on how aggressive it got with me when I tried to avoid giving an opinion on the matter, I can’t imagine that it would’ve reacted better to the minor refusing to give an opinion or to the minor outright disagreed. Refusing to put these standards on exclus and their allies is both hypocritical and quite frankly very transparent. The claims about them glorifying dark topics on AO3 through their fics also seems unfortunately legit. I mean those asks of shaming people who ask their viewers to not romanticize or glorify abusive relationships in their works is very damning. I’m very disappointed to see that Connie has taken being an inclus to the point of validating antis anti culture wholeheartedly. I can’t think of much more to add to my opinion on that part of the callout. As for the issue of Connie interacting with pro shippers in the past, I do know that this claim is legit. I’ve seen it before and so has Breeze. This was why for a brief time we decided to stop following their blogs. Because it was triggering to have pro shippers put on our dash. And sometimes we just don’t feel it’s worth it to always let people we’re platforming know they’re rbing triggering stuff. So sometimes we just quietly unfollow and choose to not interact until we’re sure they’re filtering what they do and don’t rb in some way. I definitely don’t agree with that behavior. And if they’re still doing that I”ll deplatform again. “The anon asks: “A weird question but do you know any other stimboard blogs with your follow criteria? (No radfems, racists, fandom antis, etc.) I was hoping to find more through your “similar blogs” but a lot have no anti-antis for their DNI or allow truscum/transmeds and exclus. :(“

The user responds: “I know of @turtle-pond-stims, @outofangband, and @kinaesthetics! 🍂🍄" “[ID: A cropped screenshot of an ask sent by Connie from their now-deactivated blog, butch-with-a-tortoise.

Connie says: “hey anon I have safe stim blogs. dm me if you want them. And radfems/bigots aren’t allowed to interact. For my own safety (because the community is honestly terrifying) I can’t publicly say on my blogs that I’m safe for proshippers/kinky people but I try to spread word how I can.”] [ID: Screenshot of a post by evilwriter37, which reads, “I’ve been seeing posts about fandom police leaving ao3, and it’s like: Good. We don’t want you here anyway. Go find your own fanfiction site.”

The post is tagged “#Fandom #AO3 #Antis #Purity Culture” and has 87 notes. It was posted on December 21st, 2020.

There is a reply from main-to-outofangband-andothers saying: “there are Silm antis on that site who are against Russigon (Maedhros and Fingon) not because they’re cousins but because they’re both male (coded)”] [ID: A screenshot of an anonymous (though signed off as being from outofangband) ask sent to evilwriter37, which says, “Melkor and Viggo solidarity is ‘Look there’s nothing wrong with keeping my enemy chained up in my personal chambers at all times so please just focus on the war efforts and I’ll focus on the boy* in my chambers’ -@outofbangand.

*boy used figuratively @ antis”

The user responds: “Pfft!!! Hahaha! You’re absolutely right! (And Viggo does refer to Hiccup in canon as ‘my boy’).”] I can’t really say anything to refute this. Because these are all posts of Connie outright stating that they disagree with antis. And not only sympathize with anti antis but are fully against antis. Looks like very damning evidence. Although ngl I’m not entirely against kinky blogs as a whole? Just so long as they truly stay in their lane with their kink content. And don’t force it on others in any way. Or shame people who are triggered by their kinks. It is true that being entirely against kinky blogs no matter what is dipping your toes into swerf rhetoric. Tbh I’m not going to look at the rest. This is pretty much all I need to make a decision on whether or not I”ll continue platforming Connie. Though I will try to get some more perspective from people who I interact with as well. Because I feel better about making a more definitive decision after doing that. Also in general please don’t not try to get an opinion from me on how I feel about syscourse. A lot of the claims about Connie’s age weirdness and them using their alters as a shield feel like syscourse to me. Especially if this callout was written by one or several singlets. Singlets should never be trying to judge how legit someone’s system is ever. Even if their system friends encourage them to. You can call out a horrible person with a system without trying to insinuate that they’re lying about their alters in some way. Doing otherwise is ableist ESPECIALLY if you’re a singlet. Also in general the reason I stay out of discussions of judging how someone is handling their systems is because it’s syscourse and syscourse is triggering for my system and I. If this post was an attempt to get me to give an opinion on the validity of Connie’s system I don’t appreciate it. And I would appreciate not being dragged into such matters again, thank you.

In general there’s like a few parts of this callout that feel legit. Which is unfortunately cluttered with obvious bias and obsessive hatred of Connie. I’m not here to stan or coddle Connie. I know they are not a perfect person. Especially since no human being in the world is perfect. But I feel the way this callout was created was very sloppy since a lot of the evidence was messy at best. And some points were very hypocritical as well as there being some no true scotsman moments from OP. In acting like exclus never do any of the thing that they tried to call out Connie for. Which is behavior that I am not a fan of. This is why people need to be more careful about callouts and like make roughdrafts and have a more unbiased person helping them if they don’t feel they can do it on their own. I’m even trying to make a resolve to do better at that myself. So it’s not like I’m unwilling to put my money where my mouth is. Anyways those are all my thoughts on this messy callout. And tbh I’m not going to get too much more heavily involved in this. Because I need to focus on more immediately serious rl stuff more often, like doing what I can to get out of the hellish landscape of a house I currently am stuck in.

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classyandroidandy · 5 years ago

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Imagine #3 : Waking Up In The World of Pokemon (Part One)

I low-key just thought of this and I legit made myself snort with the idea. I also am drop dead in LOVE with Pokemon, and I’ve been absolutely fawning over Professor Kukui!

Bitch is a snack and he knows it.

Also! He isn’t married in this, cause I ain’t writing about homewrecking, that’s not cool here. And this is kind of a slow burn, but I think it’s pretty solid myself. Just letting some creative energy flow before it’s all gone! This is really a part one that I might continue later if I feel good about its receival.

WARNINGS: Language, and a hawt professor.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I must be crazy...” I muttered, staring across the bluest ocean I’d ever seen. The summer sun warmed my cheeks and caused the rolling water to shimmer brightly. It was truly a beautiful day.

“I’m going absolutely crazy...” I whispered again, still staring. It really was a perfect day to be at the beach. However, the pokemon strolling casually across the sand, more than just a handful, were what had me at a loss for words. It wasn’t that they didn’t look majestic or cool, it was the fact that they. Didn’t. Exist.

I looked at my hands, wringing them nervously as I began to walk forwards and closer to the pokemon.

“Clearly this is just a dream. Just a lucid dream.” I mumbled, watching a litten lay across my path. For a dream, it was rather vivid.

I stopped walking to look at the small pokemon. It seemed tired and unbothered by my presence. I knelt down slowly, reaching a hand out to the cat-like creature. It lifted a lazy eyelid to look at me blearily. I smiled.

“Hey there, bud. Whatcha doin’?” I whispered. The litten laid patiently, allowing me to stroke its head gently. “I could use a partner right now. I’m not really sure what’s going on, but would you travel with me while I figure this out?”

The litten seemed to sigh, but stood nonetheless.

With precise agility and speed, the feline ran up my arm mid-stroke and draped itself across my shoulders, pressing its face into my neck as a rumbling pur resonated from its chest. The warm heat it gave off felt comforting, friendly, and I was all too happy to have a companion. I smiled, nuzzling my cheek against the feline.

“Thanks. I can’t thank you enough.” I cooed, marching along the beach with a new determination. “It’s much easier to face dream monsters with your own fire power. Uh, literally.” The feline yawned.

I couldn’t imagine why it was so willing to travel with me, but I knew it was a good sign. Perhaps a good omen, if I was lucky.

Which I guess I wasn’t.

As soon as I began to really recognize the Alolan setting, I was shoved harshly into the sand from behind, the other person grunting painfully as my litten landed, claws out, onto them. The sand burned against my skin, and the amount entering my nose and mouth was downright disgusting. I had never had so much grit in my teeth before. I sat up angrily, rubbing my bruised chin as I turned to look at my attacker, whom litten was still proudly scratching the shit out of.

“Agh! Stop! Stop, stop, stop! I’m sorry!” The person shouted, scrambling to pull the litten away from their clawed face. The deep voice that called out eased my nerves as I finally recognized the male. I felt my spirits lift at the confirmed sight of who it was.

“Professor Kukui!” I practically screeched while throwing my arms around the taller male as he finally pried my litten off of his face. I sighed, clinging to his warm body. “It’s so good to finally see a familiar face...” I whispered. Litten gradually clawed its way back to me, perching itself on my shoulder as I pulled away from the tan professor. He seemed confused as he rubbed the back of his head, staring down at me with a raised brow.

“Sure thing, but do I know you? I don’t believe I’ve seen you on the island before.” He inquired. I paused as I looked up at him.

“Uh, I’m... Not from here.” I responded slowly, insuring he understood what I was saying. The scientist laughed loudly as he flung an arm over my shoulders and began to walk me off the beach.

“Obviously not, cousin! You’re far too fair skinned to be from here, yeah!” He laughed, poking my arm as we marched away from the public beach. Litten huffed in annoyance before getting situated again on my shoulders. The pokemon sat facing the professor with a prominent glare.

“Hold on. What did you say?” I asked, looking at him with confusion. The professor stopped to look at me funny.

“I said you’re too fair skinned? Why? Is that offensive back where you’re from, cousin?” He questioned carefully. I stopped.

“Where are you taking me?” I inquired. Professor Kukui laughed and pointed down the path a ways.

“To my lab, obviously. We gotta get you situated, cousin! You look dazed!” He exclaimed while beginning to drag me forward again.

“Uh, Kukui. I don’t think you understand.” I stated. “I’m not from here. Like, from this world.” I pointed, staring at his face. I wanted to catch a reaction, but I saw none.

“Man, cousin, you must be sun sick. Better get you in the lab quickly so you don’t burn up.” He concluded, dragging me into the front door of his home. I let out an exasperated sigh my litten seemed to mimic. I quickly grabbed the pokemon and held it in front of me.

“You know I’m not from here?” I asked urgently. It rolled its eyes. “Holy shit, you really understand me then.” I breathed. The litten leaned forward to lick my nose before nodding.

“Wow. You been with that litten long, cousin?” Kukui questioned as he came through the door. I shook my head no at the question, still staring deep into the pokemons eyes.

A male.

“He’s a boy.” I whispered. The litten mrowed gently before climbing back onto my shoulders. I poorly suppressed a giggle as he rubbed his head against my jaw.

“It’s really taken a liking to ya, cou-”

“If you say cousin one more time, I’ll break your nose.” I threatened, stroking the top of the cats’ head. It had been awhile since I had played my pokemon games, let alone remembered how the Alolan professor talked. Kukui seemed to gulp at that response, putting his hands up in a mock surrender.

“Sorry, cou- er... What’s your name?” The male asked, walking into the living room. I followed slowly behind.

“(Y/n). I’m from a place far from here.” I answered, sitting on his couch.

“Like Kalos far?” Kukui inquired. I sighed in irritation.

“No. Farther. Another dimension far.” I grumbled. Kukui rubbed a hand down his chin.

“H... How did you know me then?” The professor urged.

“Pokemon exist in the sense that their fictional in my world.” I explained. “It’s a game, a show, fucking playing cards. But we don’t have them for real.”

The litten shifted slightly on my shoulders, becoming more restless as each second passed.

“Looks like its ready to battle with you!” Kukui yelled enthusiastically.

“Him.” I corrected. “Not it, him. And I’m gonna call him Ikaia.” I stated proudly. The pokemon meowed in approval before stretching and jumping off my shoulders.

“Well, I guess now’s as good as any time to battle. Wanna go catch and battle new pokemon?” Kukui asked excitedly. I smiled as I nodded at him. We both walked out of the house and into the thick forest behind. As we walked along, I couldn’t help but wonder how I could prove that I wasn’t from here. And why did everything seem to continue on as if I was?

Kukui was practically running down the path as we head deeper into the wooded area, watching closely for any signs of pokemon wandering nearby. I walked with care, Ikaia perched on my shoulder and looking for potential battle partners. As I went to let out a deep breath of fresh air, Kukui smacked me roughly in the chest as he pointed quickly at a moving pokemon.

“You’re at a type disadvantage, but it’s still a good catch!” Kukui whispered excitedly. I rolled my eyes playfully at his behavior.

“Welp, I guess it’d be good to figure out how to battle.” I muttered, standing and walking towards the pokemon. I was unable to identify it till now.

A noivern.

The large pokemon turned quickly, locking eyes with me. I let out a breath as I stared at it in absolute awe. It snorted as it turned its whole body towards me. I heard Kukui panickedly state it was preparing to fight.

“You’re so beautiful...” I whispered, reaching my hand out towards the creature. It looked at the appendage in surprise before leaning forward to breathe my scent.

“Wha...?” Kukui muttered behind me. The noivern stalked closer, breathing my scent more fully as it looked at me with hesitant curiosity. After a moment of simply watching each other, the noivern walked forward, pressing its forehead against mine. I brought my hands up, gently cupping its jaw as we embraced each other.

“You’re spectacular... Partner...” I whispered. The noivern grunted in response, nuzzling more into my neck as I laughed.

“That’s never... You’re amazing...” Kukui breathed, staring at me in awe.

I turned to him in confusion, stroking the soft fur of the wild bat. “Huh? This? I don’t think this is how it works, but they seem to really like me.” I shrugged as the noivern began to shove its head into my stomach, hoisting me above it as it fluttered its wings happily.

“No, I don’t think you understand, cousin. Pokemon, especially evolved wild, don’t ever do this. For anyone. You’re somethin’ else, cousin!” Kukui exclaimed, throwing his arms in the air. I let out an annoyed sigh. The noivern seemed to sense my displeasure and growled protectively, lifting me away from the dancing professor.

“It’s okay, Anuhea. He’s just crazy.” I laughed as the noivern lowered me back to the ground. “’Atta girl... May I capture you?” I mumbled, stroking the pokemons’ nose. She seemed to rumble in agreement, stepping back so I could approach the professor.

“Hmm?” Kukui paused, looking down at me. I smiled, brushing hair out of my face.

“Gotta pokeball I could use to capture this beauty?” I questioned. Kukui’s eyes lit up as he scrambled to pull a pokeball out of his shorts, yanking the small ball out of his lowest cargo pocket. I grabbed the ball, throwing a small wink as a thank you, and walked back to the waiting pokemon.

Kukui waited with baited breath as I hugged the majestic beast, Ikaia quickly following suit and accepting the fellow being. I pulled back, allowing the noivern to sniff the pokeball before stepping farther back and preparing to capture her. She bowed her head, resting her wings and preparing to be claimed. I let out a breath, tossing the pokeball gently towards her.

“I choose you. I hope you’ll choose me.” I breathed, watching as Anuhea became engulfed in a bright beam, swiftly disappearing into the pokeball. The small sphere landed on the ground, the button flashing for a moment. I walked forward, grabbing the ball and pressing my forehead to it. The button stopped flashing and the ball rumbled.

“That was spectacular, cousin!” Kukui cried, running over and picking me up in a tight hug, spinning me around enthusiastically. “I’ve never witnessed such a thing in my whole life! You caught a whole noivern! Without a fight! This is incredible, cousin!” The professor gushed. He turned his bright gaze to me, staring at me intently as he observed my features. “You were incredible...” He whispered, tucking my loose hair behind my ear. I felt an embarrassed blush cover my cheeks as I shoved him away, stomping back.

“Distance, pretty boy. I’m just doing what everyone else here does.” I muttered, rubbing my cheeks to cool them. Kukui shook his head as he walked closer, placing a comforting hand on my shoulder.

“No. Not everyone here does that. And I want to test it farther. Let’s go catch some more pokemon together, (Y/n).” He mumbled. I felt my cheeks warming farther at my name. I let out a forced laugh as I pushed him away slightly.

“You didn’t call me cousin that time.” I teased, struggling to not look into his deep chocolate eyes. Kukui laughed, pressing a lingering kiss to my cheek. I snapped my face to him, barely catching the teasing breath of his lips on mine as he pulled away with a smirk.

“Catch another crazy pokemon like that noivern and I’ll be giving you a whole new name, cousin.” Kukui laughed, walking back into the forest. I watched him walk for a moment, thinking about what he said.

“What the hell does that mean!?” I yelled, chasing after him. The male simply laughed in response, waving a hand to beckon me closer.

Guess I needed to find a new wild pokemon, and fast.

#pokemon #professor kukui #pokemon kukui #professor kukui x reader #pokemon x reader #reader insert

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boogiewrites · 4 years ago

Text

No. 9:”The Body.”

Chapter Four

Characters: Diego Hargreeves & OFC Eve Corpuz

Summary: Eve feels the pressure of learning about her powers and takes steps to do that when Diego takes too long to respond. She ends up meeting him again, by chance or fate, and they begin to realize that they have more in common than they thought.

Warnings/Tags: Light descriptions of fighting. Flirting. Bonding.Little bit of Luther.

Click on my icon then go to my Mobile Masterlist in my bio for my other works and chapters. Please like, comment and reblog if you enjoyed it! It helps out us writers A LOT! If you’d like added to the tags, just let me know. This is a multi-chapter fic.

Eve sits in the on-call suite with an ice pack on the back on her neck. She’d begun seeing how her power worked while she was at her job. She found it harder, the more she practiced the more drained she became. Being the overachiever she was, she’d passed out cold and gave everyone a good scare. She knew the cause but she couldn’t really say that so she’d had every remedy thrown at her and told to rest. So here she was with an energy drink in one hand and her phone in the other. She just had a few hours, she could make it. But she knew there would be more days like this if she didn’t take some time to figure things out.

As on-brand as ever, Diego had not texted her since the initial number text. She sighed and begrudgingly sent him a message first.

“I’m going to see if I can get my hours lowered. Whenever you can, we need to figure something out. I need to learn how to deal with this before I hurt myself.”

Her impatience for a response led her to take plans into her own hands. She made a few stops before she went home, to her community center to see where her defense instructor suggested she could go for some more intense training.

She settled in for the evening, making it easy on herself. She could probably get some decent info from a good google search on the Hargreeves. What? She was by nature a researcher and this was as close to a book on powers she was going to get. She had a personal training appointment with a new gym on the calendar for her next free day. With a plan in place, she felt better. For now anyway.

————————-

The response of “alright let me know.” Seemed underwhelming but at least it wasn’t only one letter. He’d sent it at 2:37 AM. What kind of sleep schedule was this guy on?

She’d been approved for fewer hours, not by much. But when you throw out the words ’work-related mental episode’ they tend to listen. She'd taken the first few checks she’d received and as she had never done before, she treated herself to new workout gear.

She figured she needed to learn to fight. If Diego, well, the whole family, did it and she was one of them... it made sense. If the wrong person found out about her, she could potentially be in danger, and she was not one that liked to be ill-prepared. Since she didn’t think he was moving fast enough with suggestions for what to do now, she’d found a quaint old gym upon the suggestion of her self defense teacher.

“They’re very good at what they do but they’re a little rough around the edges. Ask for the big guy, he’s the nicest, the other brother is a dick.”

She was always down to support family-owned small businesses and if they were good then what is some poor bedside manner when she dealt with people spitting on her for saving their life. This is should be nothing.

Good thing she had such an attitude because she’d far overestimated how good of shape she was it when she got winded from the warm-up. She was certainly getting her money’s worth. Extra fees to be seen at a late hour due to her weird work hours, but once she said she was a doctor the polite man on the other end of the line was very accommodating. That polite man turned out to be one of the biggest men she had ever seen. She thought it curious but didn’t want to be rude and assume he was the Luther she suspected he was. Luther sounded like a name any big guy could be called. This guy could just be super jacked on steroids and injectibles. As long as he was a good trainer she didn’t care. And so far he was giving her the most polite ass-kicking she’d ever received.

This night was an introduction to the gym, consultation, and free training session. She was sweating and focused as Luther went over the importance of safety in form.

“I don’t know if you’ve noticed but I am a little bigger than you.” He laughs and she can see it’s a joke he’s used many times before. “Usually my brother helps in this part, he’s… a lot smaller than me. Not a lot he’s not tiny or something he’s… people-sized he’s normal...human man height. So learning with someone closer to your size is better than-“

“I think she gets it, big guy.” She hears a familiar voice coming down the stairs from the offices and apartment.

“Oh! I didn’t know you’d be in tonight.” Luther says with relief.

“Yeah, plans didn’t play out.” As oddly enough, his plans stood right in his gym.

“Eve here is getting her first session in late, she’s a doctor so… weird hours.” As soon as she saw Diego she knew he was the dick brother she'd been warned about. Checked out.

“Who’s stalking who now Doc?” He asks with a smile and a cocky suaveness he carried himself with.

“I didn’t know this was your gym.” She says a roll of her eyes.

“Oh you... know each other?”

“Yeah,” Diego asks without looking to Luther. “We at my part yet?” He asks with a raise of his brow.

“Yeah left it for last.”

“I got her from here.” He says giving him a casual hand of dismissal.

“Oh, you sure? I’ve got her forms filled out-“

“Yeah, I’m sure. Don’t worry about em. Head on out, I’ll close up.”

“You sure?”

“If you ask me that one more time I’m going to demonstrate on this dummy,” he pokes his chest, “instead of these other ones.” He knocks his head to the side of the room where the standing targets were lined up.

“Yep.” A gives a close-lipped smile and a nod. “Nice meeting you Eve, he’ll schedule you for the next one, kay?”

“No problem.” She gives him a warm smile and a nod in return to answer any doubts he might have about leaving her with him.

So Diego kicked off his boots as Luther wobbled around to lock the doors and turn off the lights. With half the room lit now, they stood face to face and sized each other up a moment. “You really didn’t know?” He asks after he hears the click of Luther being out of earshot.

“I swear. I asked my self-defense teacher and they recommended this place. Said you were good at training people to fight so…” she shrugs and offers her hands up.

“We are. I am.” He smiles proudly. “Why are you wanting to fight?” He asked with squinted eyes. She could tell he hadn't expected it.

“Well.. you do. I mean all…the people with powers do. I thought it’d be smart if I could really defend myself if I needed to. In case something goes wrong and... like... I get found and people wanna kill me.” she gives a weak shrug of explanation

He considers it a second. “Yeah, you just didn’t strike me as the type.”

“Why? You knew I took classes you stalker.” she taunts him.

“Well I had to know if you were legit before I came at you didn’t I?”

“And I you.” she quickly quips back.

“See. We have an understanding.” He passes his hand back and forth. “So… fighting huh? What you into? Judo? Jujitsu? Some boxing?”

“Everything.” She says with a self-assured nod and he lets out a dry laugh.

“Everything?” a cocky laugh that came from decades of experience busted out and stayed on his face in the form of a grin for awhile after.

“I wanna be good. I wanna be strong. I wanna win. Or not die and be maimed at least…. So whatever that takes is what I want to do.”

He could see a conviction in her eyes, she meant it. He was inspired for a moment by the rawness she gave so openly. The honesty was refreshing. “Then let’s do some conditioning. Start there and we’ll start discussing styles. Sound good?”

“Yeah.” She offers a supportive nod.

“Then drop and give me 50.” He grins.

She’d never sweat so much in her life. He put on music and had her do every cardio move she could have ever imagined. She left the desire to stay looking nice long ago once the hair started to stick to her forehead. She took everything he gave, and he was once again impressed. She’d yell out when she was trying to push herself and he'd clap and yell right back. She’d crack a smile when he told her to let it out and scream at him. So she did and she collapsed with her last burpee onto the mat. He pulls her up and gives her cheek a good supportive smack as she glares at him playfully.

“Ya did good, kid.” He pats her arm supportively. “Next time we’ll work on some moves too.”

“Good because I really want to hit you after that.”

------------------------------------------

“You’ve not been out for weeks, what’s been your deal?” One of Eve's friends she worked with, Molly asked. Her face always had a glint of sarcasm in her eye and a brow that never twitched. “I’ve had to work with Sean so much it’s been a pain in the ass.”

“Yeah, sorry about that. I’ve just been… busy… going through some weird stuff right now and needed more time for myself. I’ve considered a career change anyway.”

“You what? You aren’t leaving me you bitch.” She says playfully but she means it. “Don’t leave me with those doctor dicks.”

“I’m one of those doctor dicks y’know.” She laughs.

“Nah you’re just a dick.” She grins and taps her glass to her friends. “I’m never very good at being sugar-coated but I'm here if you need to talk about it.”

“Uh...not yet. I’m okay, not sick or anything. Just had some stuff from my past kinda...come up.”

“Ah. The middle of fucking nowhere coming back to haunt you?”

“Yeah, I guess. Some big feelings and stuff came up with...in therapy.” She tries to cover and explain.

“Ah. I get it. It’s dirty work.” She gives a supportive nod. “But for real if you’re leaving let me know where so I can transfer too.” She smiles and knocks the bar to order another round of drinks.

“I need to get out though, just of the hospital and my apartment...so thanks for still asking.”

“No one else we work with is any fun. They don’t wanna go to loud shows they wanna go try out some overpriced bullshit Gastro-pub- whatever the fuck that is- and I’m just...it’s not me.”

“So I’m your only single friend in other words?” She chuckles.

“Nah I actually like having you around, don’t tell anyone that though.” She knocks her arm.

“What about people outside of work?”

“Eh. We have such fucked hours it’s hard to keep in touch.”

“Yeah.” Eve murmurs. “Making friends when you’re old is hard.”

“We sound like two old married birds bitching to each other.” She slides the new drinks their way.

“Here's to acting like we’re much younger women.” They clink glasses.

“Were you much of a slut when you were younger?” Molly asks after looking over the crowded basement of the bar. A small stage shoved in the back corner and the small doorways connecting the string along rooms made the space feel even smaller than it was.

The sudden question makes Eve laugh and almost choke on her drink. “I’ve had my moments.” She shrugs.

“Because there’s this fella that’s been looking at us for a while now and -don’t fucking turn-Christ-“ she laughs and smacks Eve’s knee. “No wonder you're single.” She rolls her eyes. “And if you happened to have been a slut, and in the spirit of our toast wanted to act like your younger self I think you might have a chance tonight.”

“Someones? Looking at me? Are you sure they just don’t want to kill me?”

“Nah, he’s been playing it cool.” She narrows her eyes in the way of the guy. “Here’s what we're gonna do. I’m gonna go to the bathroom, maybe take my own little stroll around this place and see what I’ve got options wise. And we’ll give this handsome stranger a window to come talk to you. I’ll be checking my phone if you need saving.”

“You don’t have to-“

“Hush. When’s the last time you got some?”

Eve opens her mouth then shuts it, defeated with the answer.

“That’s what I thought.” Molly teases. “So tits up and hopefully we won’t see each other until work Hmm?” She pats Eve's shoulder and quickly blends into the crowd of moving bodies.

She began scanning the room. She didn’t have to wait long to find out. She saw him smoothly moving through the crowd, in all black, and not a harness or knife in sight. The moves she’d seen at training with him were reflected in the way he moved, a bit like he was stalking but he hadn’t met her eyes again yet.

He was hurriedly doing a habitual perimeter scan as he moved across the room towards her.

She sat smugly, letting him come to her, feeling as if she finally had the upper hand. They meet eyes and an almost shy but endearing smile was matched and shared between them.

“Who’s stalking who now?” She says as he gets within earshot. “Just so you know it’s always been you stalking me.”

He gives her an easy smile and slides onto the stool next to her. “I knew you’d say that.” He shakes his head. “But I’m actually not here for you tonight.”

“I suppose it was a bit pompous of me to assume.”

“Not with how weird our lives are.” He shares the casual and almost comfortable air between them now.

The training had led to the banishment of that awkward physical barrier between them rather quickly. There wasn’t as much room for chit chat at training so the actual sharing of oneself, something neither were particularly skilled at, was still trying to break through that awkward stage. Luckily they were both practiced in faking it until you made it.

“How do I know you aren’t following me?” He teases

“How would I know where you’d be? I’m not the super boy detective here.”

“Funny” he answers flatly with a raised brow before waving to order a drink. “Then why are you here?”

“My friend wanted me to go out. I had been so preoccupied with… well… y’know all this going on now that I’d been neglecting what little social life I had. So I was due for a night to just see a show and chill but...you had to show up.” She jabs back with a warm smile.

“Lucky for you I’m not here for work.” He says almost proudly as if he were proving something to her. “I have a friend in the band and wanted to have a “chill night” too. But here you are.”

“Can’t get away from me.” She beams cheekily.

“You want another drink?” He offers with a nod towards her empty glass where the ice was starting to clink as she involuntarily moved it while she spoke.

“Oh. Guess I finished it.” She laughs at herself, a short sigh before rubbing a hand through her hair. “Yeah. Why not. Fuck it.”

“What’d you have? Virgin Shirley temple?”

“Oh, he’s got jokes.” She rolls her eyes. “Give me a… Horsefeather.”

The bartender grins. “Alright, Dorothy.” Before slipping away.

“What the hell is a Horsefeather?”

“The drink of my people.” She says as if he should know.

“Are you like a...native American or something?” He asks earnestly.

She laughs and pats his arm. “Be thankful you’ve got your looks hun.” He gives a smile before looking down and trying to figure if he wants to react to the insult or the praise. “No. It’s a Kansas thing.”

“You’re from Kansas?”

She nods and hands the empty glass off to a rapidly clearing and clearly overworked girl behind the bar. “Yeah. Basically.”

“You don’t look like you’re from Kansas.” he narrows his eyes.

“What is that supposed to mean?” She doesn’t feel any hostility from him, as she’d learned he often spoke without thinking.

“You’re not...y’know...White. Wait. Are you?”

She lets out a louder laugh and he enjoys the sound of it. “Honestly Diego, I don’t know. No one ever told me. I don’t think Corpuz sounds white but what do I know?”

“You kinda look Asian.” He muses out loud.

“Stop before you get racist bro.” She warns playfully with a pointed finger. “And what? Asians can’t be from Kansas?”

He pauses and considers it. “You right.” He answers quietly with darting eyes that showed him piecing his newly formed opinion together.

She sees the lull in the conversation coming as he gets distracted. His round dark eyes were still blinking in thought under straight brows that were furrowed in the middle, currently concentrated. The beginnings of a beard, a heavy five o clock shadow covered the lower parts of his face but his lips that she regrettably had noticed were full and soft weren’t hidden from its length yet. A rub of his chin and a scratch through his almost fluffy short hair distracted her as his long and lean hands fidgeted with themselves. She was used to seeing his hair damp and flopped over his forehead from training. Tonight it was dry and styled up, same for his choice of clothes. Just long enough to cover his scalp but not long enough yet to look messy. He was always in black, which she respected as a fashion choice. Although for New York it wasn’t very abnormal as a color of choice.

Eve quickly turns the conversation back to distract him from his self-reflection. “Did you come with anyone tonight? You give off that lone wolf vibe and I don’t think your brother is small enough to even fit through the door.”

His face transforms back to it’s easy-going politeness as it does when he’s with her. “Yeah, I’m alone. Just wanted to not be a shitty friend and try to be supportive by coming to watch them tonight.”

“That’s very nice of you.” She praises. “I was guilt-tripped too.” They both share a small laugh.

“Well, I’m glad we both got guilt-tripped then.” A warm tone she could feel more than hear as he slid her drink her way. “How’s your… y’know...stuff going?” he offers as he wasn’t entirely sure how to conduct himself outside of their usual healing or training.

“It’s…” she sighs and wrinkles her nose. “Going?” she shrugs and presses her lips. “I don’t really want to talk about it tonight if that’s alright. I came out to just be normal for a night. And get back to being… whatever tomorrow.”

He nods supportively. “You wanna go grab this booth and just... be normal? No super shit tonight?”

“I would fucking LOVE that.”

--------------

Molly, the greatest wingman, stalks the bar and circles, keeping an eye on her friend who was rustier than her when it came to picking up anyone. Besides being busy, which she most certainly was, Molly was lost as to why Eve didn’t have someone. She was attractive and smart and kind. Eve was straightforward forward and most of the time that didn’t ring well with men. Eve also got into her own head too much, preoccupied with the thought of messing up, anxious that someone would take one look at her and deem her not worthy and she’d get fired and lose everything she’d worked so hard for. Perhaps her fear of being vulnerable kept her from branching out. She had a lot going for her but didn’t really see it for herself. She’d spent so long being focused on her education and career, proving herself now against the past she had on paper that she was in fact good enough. Imposter syndrome is a real bitch. Not to mention being a woman, and a minority on top of that. Or at least she assumed she was, her mother was and none of the super-powered people knew who their father was. It was enough to be a woman in the medical world, but being one with slight monolids and an ambiguous face and skin color made it even harder. If she was professional, her face was read as cold and bitchy. A strong jawline and not super soft and feminine features made her unable to pull off the damsel in distress routine to slip under the radar unassumingly with her male colleagues. She’d had a terrible upbringing, rough and wild adolescence and now was trying to find her place in the midst of having powers and navigating adult life.

But Diego understood all that. He was the only person she’d ever met that could even possibly begin to understand what she felt. So as it does, shared trauma can create intensified bonds where other’s never existed before. So perhaps that’s why she felt so at ease as soon as she understood who, or what he was. It was almost as if a built-in trust came with his intense eyes and confident actions. Feasibly, that’s why they spent the majority of the night pressed shoulder to shoulder, shouting into each other ears from inches away in a booth, smashed together by the crowd of people around them. As the number of drinks rose, the inches between their bodies dropped.

They sat together as two ordinary people, sharing musical taste and stories of shows past. They drank and laughed and to anyone else they seemed like a cute couple on a date, sitting close with no show of awkwardness between them. After you’d had someone's head between your thighs, covered in both of your sweat and bruises from your grappling the previous day, sitting together seemed like nothing. And it also felt that way, effortless.

What surprised Eve the most about the night was how easy and fun it was. The conversation kept going despite the noise. There was even harmless flirting that she was realizing was a built-in thing with Diego. He was a professional, he was raised to be able to manipulate and know how to engage with people. But she never once felt like it was fake or forced. The crinkles in the corners of his eyes when she’d be inches from his ear and make him laugh led her to believe this was all genuine no matter how unreal the whole situation that brought them together felt.

“Thanks for getting me home,” she says with no slur but the warm buzz of alcohol being felt in her stomach and face.

“Can’t let anything happen to you now can I?”

“I”m trying to not let anything happen for myself….” her eyes go distant before fumbling with her keys. “Can we do some training that’s like… I wanna be able to hit, y’know?”

“You wanna do some boxing?”

“Yeah. I think I do.” she nods and roughly shuffles into her apartment. “I wanna hit you in the face.” she says seriously before they both snort and start laughing.

“Join the long line, honey.” he says with stretching arms. “I’ll find ya some gloves.” he nods in thought. “Tomorrow, if you’re able to anyway,” he smirks,” We’ll get started on learning what it feels like to take a hit.”

“I’m not that drunk.” she says with a wrinkled nose of playful defensiveness. “I’ll chug a pedialite and be fine.”

“Spoken like a true doctor.”

“Or a true alcoholic.”

“Too bad you can’t heal your own liver huh?” he teases.

“Maybe that’s what I'll work on next.” she says as she sighs, the tiredness setting in. “My brain training. Not the body.” she clarifies. “We’ll do punch kick beat em ups and I’ll try to heal the damage this stress is causing.”

“Punch kick beat em ups?”

“Shut up I'm drunk.” They both laugh and she reaches out to hug him. He didn’t expect it but he certainly didn’t deny it.

“Oh are you THAT drunk?” he smirks and looks down at her.

“You fuckin’ wish.” she snorts into his chest before pulling away. “We were...being like..normal for a minute. For tonight, I mean. I needed it, thanks. That was… the hug, why I hugged you... to thank you.”

“You’re starting to ramble now, go on and get in bed.” he turns her body and pushes her into the apartment. “You’re welcome. I had a good time too. It was nice to just…” he shrugs. “Not be me for a few hours.”

She nods and starts sitting her things on her counter. “I know what you mean.”

“That’s some depressing shit.” he stares at nothing in particular for a moment.

There’s a pause of reflection before they both laugh again. “At least we can bitch to each other?” she offers. “I’m glad you got stabbed Diego.” she chuckles.

“What the hell?” he laughs at her as she pats his arm.

“We wouldn’t have met otherwise ya idiot!” she shoves him back into the hallway lightly.

“Oh. I thought you were having some hella mood swings or somethin’.”

“Hella? This is New York son, not Cali.” she teases. “Get out of here before you say something else stupid and I decide I can’t be friends with you anymore.”

“That's the most solid and hurtful advice I’ve been given in a while.” he tips an invisible hat to her.

“I got plenty more!” she calls out to him as he leaves. “See you tomorrow!”

He raises a hand, a cute spin to face her, and walk backward. “Get some rest. I’m beatin’ your ass tomorrow.” he gave her a big smile that they both kept on their faces long after they were out of sight.

@s-h-e-w-r-i-t-e-s @jaegeeeeer @diegos-butt @anglovesthis

#diego hargreeves #diego hargreeves fanfic #diego hargreeves fic #david castenada #the umbrella academy #diego gargeeves x ofc #diego hargreeves fan fiction #diego hargreeves au #tua #tua fic #tua fanfic #the umbrella academy fanfic

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luci-in-trenchcoats · 5 years ago

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Dazed and Confused (Part 8)

Summary: Dean Winchester grew up wanting to be a cop. When he gets kicked out of the police academy on a fluke though, he turns to a life of crime. After breaking up with Dean and seeing him committing a crime in the act, the reader becomes an officer herself and eventually a detective. Four years after that day, the reader is sent undercover to figure out what Dean is up to. Only she has no idea how far Dean is willing to go to keep her from finding out the truth…

Pairing: AU!Dean x reader

Masterlist

Word Count: 1,200ish

Warnings: language, scary situations, violence, murder, etc.

A/N: This series has been on Ao3 only for awhile now and I am finally reposting here as well. It’s not new but it may be new to you. Please enjoy!...

______

“How’s he doing?” you asked as soon as the surgeon came out of the operating room.

“He’ll make a full recovery,” he said, relief flooding through you. “His injuries weren’t as extensive as the other stabbing victim. Mr. Winchester needs to rest and recover here for a few days but his injuries aren’t life threatening.”

“Can you tell me if you saw any similarities between the two?” you asked.

“Mr. Kline’s injuries were deeper. At first we thought there may have been a second weapon involved but it appears, based on Mr. Winchester, your culprit makes smaller incision firsts before they go back over them with more force, cutting deeper on the second go around,” he said.

“Any ideas on the kind of blade? A surgical scalpel? A-”

“My best guess would be your run of the mill kitchen knife, something with a sharp point and slightly serrated edge, like for cutting meat,” he said.

“Thanks, Doc,” you said.

“Your other vic, Mr. Kline, made some improvements today,” he said. “I expect he’ll be just fine.”

“Thank you,” you said, stopping short. “Doc, could...could you not share that information with anyone else?”

“Why?” he asked.

“Because I asked,” you said, the Doc squinting his eyes. “At least hold off on sharing it for a few hours.”

“A few hours, Detective,” he said with a head nod as he walked away. About ten minutes later you were in ICU, checking on Jack when you heard John storm down the hall.

“Y/N!” he shouted at you. “Get your ass out here!”

“John,” you said calmly as you pulled Jack’s door shut. “This is a hospital. Jack needs to rest and-”

“I told you to watch him!” barked John.

“I secured my apartment and the culprit got in anyways,” you said, John’s face growing redder by the second. “I spoke to the doctor. Sam will be fine.”

“I don’t give a fuck! My son almost died because you couldn’t do the one job you had!” he shouted. He grabbed you by the arm and tugged you down a quiet hallway into an empty room, chest heaving. “Dean...I didn’t want to believe it either but my Sammy almost died. I need to know that if it comes down to it, you’ll do what needs to be done.”

“We don’t shoot on site,” you said.

“You’re right. We don’t. But Dean is…” he said, taking a deep breath.

“Dean’s what, John?” you said.

“A killer. There’s something...wrong with him. I’ve known it since he was a small child. He was different. For years I wouldn’t face it,” said John. “I thought about taking Sam and Mary away from him but couldn’t do it. Then...then I came home one day and he’d snapped.”

“You’re out of your fucking mind,” you said, John squeezing his eyes shut.

“I wish I was. Maybe they got in a fight, maybe he just finally acted on it but she was dead and Dean was on the phone with the police,” said John. “And I helped him cover it up.”

“You what?”

“He left the weapon by her body. I grabbed it, cleaned it up and hid it in his room, told him I’d take care of everything because I couldn’t confront the fact that he did it. So I helped protect him and tried to keep him in line ever since,” said John.

“I know what you did to those boys John,” you said, cocking your head. “I know how you treated them.”

“If being the strictest asshole on earth kept Dean in check, I’d do it,” said John. “It worked too. He was normal for a while. Until he went away to school, until he found you. Kid, for years I waited to get a call that he’d done it again...to you.”

“You’re saying, Dean, killed Mary? That he tried to kill Sam? Went after Jack?” you asked, crossing your arms. “He did all that?”

“Yes. He just...he doesn’t remember he did it. He...the knife was still where I put it years ago yesterday morning. I moved it. After he went after you-”

“He didn’t,” you said, John shaking his head. “John, he wouldn’t.”

“He just snaps, it’s not like it’s really him when he does that shit. I tried...I tried to convince myself that I was so backwards about Mary, that it had to be someone else that I called in a favor with a friend. They used to have an investigation on Mary’s killer going, but somehow Dean ended up on the team and I think he’s just used it as an excuse to take care of those urges. It’s just too much for him now and he’s just trying to wipe away everyone on the team, get rid of Sam or me or you,” said John.

“Yeah, right,” you said. “Oh, that sounds totally legit, doesn’t it?”

“Y/N, I’ve spent so long trying to tell myself he wasn’t bad. I should have helped him but I can’t go back and change it now. I just need your help to stop him before he hurts someone else,” said John.

“Dean’s not a killer,” you said.

“Fine. I’ll deal with him,” said John, rolling his eyes. “Try not to let Sammy die in the meantime.”

“John,” you said, John out of the room before you could get out another word. “Goddamn Winchesters.”

You sat down on one of the beds, pulling out your phone to give Dean the heads up his dad was hunting him.

“I told you to watch him!” barked John.

“I secured my apartment and the culprit got in anyways.”

You stopped typing to Dean, trying to think of how someone could have gotten inside. There was obviously the front door but even if they’d managed to pick the lock and deadbolt, you didn’t remember the chair not being where you’d left it propped up there. The only other option was your fourth floor bedroom window next to the fire escape. But the odds that someone slipped in past both you and Dean unseen, attacked Sam and slipped back out…

Then there was the fact Dean had blood all over him.

If you can, meet at dad’s asap.

You stared at your phone, shaking away the doubt John had tried to plant there and headed for the Winchesters.

The house was dark when you got there. The back door was open, the door down to the basement open and a small light shining up.

You pulled out your gun, quietly going down the stairs, whipping around the corner with it raised, Dean and John both in front of you, Dean sighing.

“Take a seat, Y/N. We have some things to get out in the open.”

_______

A/N: Read the final part here!

#supernatural #spn #dean x reader #dean winchester #au #spn fanfiction #series

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lovemesomesurveys · 5 years ago

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Have you ever laughed at someone because they had a funny name? >> Not to their face, but I’ve definitely laughed at some people’s names if I come across them online or something. Especially if it’s one of those names that can make a juvenile sex pun out of, lol. <<< lol same :X I legit knew a kid in my neighborhood whose name sounded like hymen... Speaking of names, why do celebrities always call their kids stupid ones? Gah, I don’t know. They think they’re being cute and trendy I guess, but no. Just no. It’s not nice for the kid. Like Elon Musk, wtf? If you have a problem with someone, will you confront them? Probably not. How do you like your tea? With a packet of sweetener. Do you get car sick easily? Yes.

What did you want to be when you were a kid? A teacher. Insert funny memory here: I don’t feel like thinking of one at the moment. Do you think you’re a good conversationalist? Why is that? Ha, nope. I feel like I never know what to say and I just make things awkward and lame. Are you more likely to be called a hard worker or lazy? I’m sure people think I’m lazy. And there is a laziness factor, but the bigger picture is health related issues and having no energy or motivation to do much of anything. What is your sense of humor like? I don’t really know how to describe it. Do you think you’re fairly intelligent? In what way? I just feel very average. How do you like your eggs? Scrambled, sunny-side up, hardboiled, deviled. Do you enjoy visiting your relatives? Yeah. It’s been awhile since I’ve visited with any family outside of my immediate family, though. :/ And that’s even before the pandemic hit. What’s your favorite thing about the nearest upcoming holiday? Fireworks are visually appealing, but I don’t enjoy how loud they are. I’m too jumpy and sensitive to loud sounds like that. Have you ever been on a float in a parade? What were you doing on it? Nope. Have you ever had a strange compliment? What was it? Some lady asked me if I had polio and when I told her no, she said, “Oh okay, I thought you looked pretty good for having polio.” Wtf?? When was the last time you had deja vu? Hmm. I don’t remember the last time I experienced it. Have you ever had a dream in black and white? I don’t think so. What about a dream with no sound? Uhhh. I don’t know, actually. Like... I’ll recall things being said in a dream but I’m not sure if I recall them actually being said or I just know they were. That’s interesting. What is something you find interesting but would never pursue as a career? Well, I’m very interested in psychology and got my BA because I thought I wanted to pursue something in that field, but I don’t. I have no idea what I actually want to do. What types of people do you tend to avoid? Arrogant and cocky people. What is one personality trait a potential friend must have? Good sense of humor. Have you ever seen someone slip on a banana peel? No. Have you ever been in a helicopter? Yes, when I had to be flown to the hospital after my accident. What is a color you love that’s not your favorite? Uhh. If I love it, it’s a favorite. Where would you like to travel to? I want to travel to a lot of places. What color is your car? / What color would you like it to be? I don’t have a car, I don’t drive. If I did, I’d probably want red. Does anything hurt on your body right now? What? I’ve been having a bad pain flareup.

What is your favorite mode of travelling? Car or plane. Have you ever had chicken pox? Yes. Can you roll your eyes into the back of your head? No. If you have online friends, do you think you’d get on in real life? I think our survey community on here would get along well. Who is your favorite animated character? Winnie the Pooh. Are your favorites often what the majority like? Hmm. I feel like I don’t like a lot of things majority of people seem to like, actually. If you could have anything for dinner tonight, what would you choose? *shrug* It’s 2:54AM, I’m not thinking about dinner. Do you prefer sweet or savory foods? Savory. Do you worry about eating too much? What about eating too little? I don’t have a problem of eating too much, in fact I need to be eating a lot more. Is it dark outside right now? Yes. Do you get scared when it’s a full moon? No. Do you think Jaffa Cakes are a cake or a biscuit? I had to Google that, but from what I can see it looks like a cookie. If you go anywhere, do you always buy souvenirs for people? I always buy souvenirs, but usually for myself lol. What was the last toy you got in a cereal box? Wow, I don’t remember. I haven’t had cereal in years. Hypothetically speaking, if you owned a charm bracelet, would you always make sure the charms meant something to you? Well, yeah. Choosing the charms are the fun part. If I’m going to wear something, I want to like it. Are you waiting on anyone coming home right now? No. Is it easy to make you gag? Yes. Do you like the way your voice sounds? No. I hate hearing my voice in a recording. Do you usually keep to yourself? I keep a lot to myself. Can you see the stars from your house? Yeah. How would you react if your favorite band made a song with your first name as its title? It’d be pretty cool. Are you considered an awkward person? I definitely consider myself to be very awkward, so I’m sure others do as well. Has a career advisor ever helped you choose your ideal career? No. If you were abandoned for a week, would you be able to fend for yourself? You gotta be more specific. Like for one, where am I? Is there a light on in the room you’re in? Yes. Have you ever been friends with someone who was your complete opposite? I had a best friend who was the outgoing, adventurous, outspoken one and I wasn’t any of those things. She helped me have fun and get out of my shell a bit at times, though. Have you ever wished you were an identical twin? If one, do you hate it? It’s weird to imagine someone looking exactly like me. What day were you born on? A Friday. What’s your favorite number? Why did you pick that? 8. It’s been my favorite since I was a kid. What does your favorite perfume / deodorant smell like? One of them has patchouli notes in it. The other is a beachy scent with some lavender. Who’s your favorite Disney character? Alice from Alice in Wonderland and Winnie the Pooh. Do you like having a favorite everything or do you enjoy keeping open? I always say I have a lot of favorites of things. I have a hard time choosing just one for a lot of things. What’s your favorite advertisement? Or do you find them all irritating? I don’t have a favorite advertisement. I generally just tune those out.

#personal #text #survey #surveys

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turdblossommm · 5 years ago

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Marry Me {7}

Summary: Bucky and the reader are hopelessly in love with their best friends who are getting married, where the pair first meet. Will there friendship turn into something more or will it crash and burn?

Pairing: Bucky x Reader

A/N: Hiiiii sorry I haven’t been posting! I was up in Elk camp for awhile and didn’t take my computer with me. Good news, I got one! And the thanksgiving part of this is legit the shit my family does

part six // masterlist

You smiled as you teased Bucky’s hair and put a little makeup over his face. He may look like a

like a hobo but damn was he looking good. You pulled your costume on and put your arms out and Bucky smiled, trying not to laugh

“This is actually pretty great” Bucky wrapped his around your waist and you kissed his cheek as he snapped a picture and posted it to his feed with the caption ‘castaway’. You and Bucky walked the three blocks to Sam’s place instead of driving.

“Hey!” Sam swung the door open clad in a pirate costume. Bucky pulled you along to the kitchen where he poured you a drink and found Steve who was dressed as a army man and his girlfriend Peggy in a women’s version of the costume.

“ I don’t think we’ve officially met, I’m Steve and this is Peggy” He stuck his hand out

“Y/N” You shook both their hands “Pleasure to meet you” The song changed and a smile crept onto Bucky’s face

“We have to dance this is my favorite song” He grabbed your hand as you shook your head

“I do many things Barnes, but dancing is not on of them” Bucky stuck his bottom lip out

“Y/N” He whined

“I don’t dance, I’m form the town in Footloose” YOu looked over to him “I’m Kevin Bacon”

“Shut up and dance with me” He tilted his head to the side and pouted again

“No! Don’t do that thing with your eyes” You covered your eyes

“Please” He pouted

“The lord in my shepherd” You whispering towards the ceiling while pinching the bridge your nose “Fine” Bucky pulled you along and he started to move to the beat

“Stop being a damn board” He wrapped his arms around your waist and you moved your hips in sync with his. You dance for multiple songs until Bucky pulled you from the very full living room to the equally full kitchen

“I’ll get drinks, I’m smaller” YOu smiled and started to weave in and out of people until you reached the bar.

“You know Bucky’s my best friend” Steve leaned his back against the bar while facing the living room

“I do” You trend to face him “Is there a problem with my friendship with him”

“I just don’t think he’s in a state to be seeing someone”

“Whatever happens between Bucky and I really doesn’t concern you Steve”

“It does when he’s going to be the one getting his heart broken” He sneered and you chuckled

“It already is Steve” You walked away “And Steve” He turned to you “We’re not seeing each other, were just friends” Bucky took his drink from you

“What you were guys talking about?”

“Nothing and everything” You smiled and chugged your drink “Want to get out of here” He nodded and followed you actions and dragged you out of the apartment.

“Hey what are you doing for Thanksgiving?” You asked during the lunch you two took together

“Nothing” He shrugged and continued to eat his sandwich

“I’m sorry what?” you looked at him dumbfounded “Did you just say you were doing nothing for Thanksgiving” Bucky shrugged and nodded

“It’s not a big deal in my family” YOu smiled and Bucky paled

“Buckle up, I’m about to give you the best Thanksgiving you’ve ever had” Bucky scoffed at your antics knowing damn well that T’Challa only give Thanksgiving day off because he doesn’t celebrate it because he’s not American. So when Bucky found himself on a red eye to Oregon a week before Thanksgiving he was shocked

“This is going to be the best Thanksgiving you’ve ever had” Bucky shrugged, his parents were immigrants so Thanksgiving was just an excuse to not have school for a few days or have a few days off from work. Bucky was pulled out of his thoughts when a beat up red pick stopped in from of them at the terminal.

“Hey Ben” You yell as you threw your bag in the bed and Bucky followed your actions. You climbed in and sat in the middle while Bucky took the passenger seat

“Hey sis how the big apple”

“Too fuckin big” Your brother glanced at Bucky

“Ben this is Bucky, Bucky this is my younger brother Ben” Bucky shook hands with Ben, being 18, Ben tried to crush his hand “Pitter patter” You swatted your brother’s hand away

“You ready for this year, I’ve been practicing for months” YOu shook your head

“You’re going down baby bro, I am, and will forever the youngest ever champion”

“Not unless I get it this year, then we’ll be tied” You ruffled his hair

“Focus on the road” Bucky marveled at the scenery as the closer to your house the greener it became. You watched Bucky take in Oregon, the hidden gem in the US, hidden by constant cloud cover. You fidgeted in your seat as Ben turned down the familiar gravel road and the house came into view

“I can never park this thing”

“Double pump the clutch dumbass” you yelled as you practically shove Bucky out of the truck

“There’s my green bean” You spun and saw your parents on the porch and quickly jogged to the porch and hugged your parents.

“Who’s this young man” Your dad looked over your shoulder

“Ma, Dad this is Bucky he’s a friend from the city” Bucky shook your dad’s hand and gave your mom a hug

“Where do you plan to sleep”

“I assume Muriel has my room so I was thinking we take the barn or the mother in law house, where the mother in law should be” You smiled as you refused to call your grandfather’s fifth wife grandma and pulled Bucky along to the barn

“You’re welcome to have the barn” Your mom smiled. You and Bucky settled into the hay loft and he smiled as you introduced him to all the horses and shook his head as you promised to show him the steer and goats later.

“Green bean were going shooting a final time before we head out tomorrow” You gave your dad a two finger salute.

“I can’t believe you grew up like this and now live in a city” Bucky chuckled as you led him back to the other barn

“I know” You giggled “I always told myself I’d never live in the city” You two were staying in the biggest barn where the horses were kept, the other barnes held feed and other tools. You started to back out the ranger while everyone started pulling up on their quads.

“”Y/N/N” Bucky watched you become a completely different person since getting here, it was like the city changed you and here you were completely you. He smiled as you crouched down and squeezed a little girl and ruffled the boy’s hair

“Can we ride with you?” They asked excitably as you looked over you shoulder to a shrugging Bucky

“Course you can, riding with your daddy isn’t any fun anyway”

“I take offense to that” Your oldest brother hugged you before handing you their ear protection “They’re yours now”

“Be nice bother, they go back to you when I’m done with them” You brother rolled his eyes at the mischievous glint in your eye

“You must be Bucky” You brother looked over your shoulder

“That’s would be me” Bucky took your brother’s hand

“Braxton, pleasure to meet you” Braxton and Bucky watched as you strapped the kids into the Ranger and a smiled formed on Braxton’s face “I haven’t seen her this happy since Frank, make sure she stays that way” Bucky watched you make goofy faces at your niece and nephew

Bucky’s found himself watching you a lot more. He loved watching you laugh, that was his favorite. Watching you be surrounded by your family and loved ones, he felt special to be considered that to you. Bucky could tell you were closed of and maybe that’s because of this Frank, or maybe Clint. Bucky wasn’t sure, he just wanted you to be happy

“Ever shot a gun?” Bucky’s jaw dropped as you pumped a shot gun, taking him out of his trance “I’m taking you silence as a no” You looked over to him

“My cousin’s pistol when I was like 12”

“Alright listen close cause we don’t have a lot of time” YOu pulled him in “Biggest rule, don’t point the gun in anyone’s direction, keep it to the sky loaded or unloaded.” He watched you click a button now showing red “This is the safety, red means dead okay. Always have the safety on”

“Anything else I should know?”

“Don’t miss” You push your other shot gun in his hand

“You got the right choke in there?” Someone yelled at you and you nodded. Bucky watched you walk to the edge of the ridge

“Pull” Bucky watched in awe as you hit a three of the clay pigeons, he chuckled as you jokingly blew on the end of the barrel. You joined him with a smile on your face, adrenaline pumping in your veins

“Ready?” You smiled and You laughed as his face paled “I’ll go up with you” You walked with him up the ridge, showed him how to properly hold the gun and aim

“What if I miss?” He asked and you gave him a small smile

“Then you miss Buck, I can’t tell you how many times all of us have missed. You learned from these things” You kissed his cheek and took a step back. He missed all three, he missed all three the second and third time he went up, but the fourth time he hit the last pigeon

“I hit it?” He smiled as you nodded and everyone cheered for him. Bucky didn’t know there were families like this, only in movies. He couldn’t remember if there was ever a time he was surrounded by his own family and felt like this

“Alright everyone” Your dad tried to calm everyone, Bucky listened not being able to take his eyes off you. “We have an early morning tomorrow, have dinner and get some fuckin' sleep cause at dawn we ride” Bucky watched as you shook your head at your father

“I’ve never known anyone to take hunting this serious”

“We’re rednecks Buck, this is life for us” You laughed as you led him back to the house.

Taglist:

@hailqueenconquer

@2ptonpt

@sebbbystaaan

#bucky #Bucky Barnes #bucky fanfic #bucky barnes au #sad bucky #winter is coming #Winter Solider #winter solider imagine #winter solider x reader #winter solider fanfiction #marvel #Marvel AU #avengers au #Avengers

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jenniez-tv · 5 years ago

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Hello Everyone,

Its been awhile since I’ve updated you all on this. I had some people ask me when I was planning on updating. I didn’t realize you guys were still reading. <3 Thank you for caring. Anywho, its been about 3 months since I found out I was in remission/done with chemo. Every 3 months I have to get a CT scan, for the next 1-2 years. After that I don’t know how often I will need to. That means that I just got my first post remission CT scan. Man, I got to tell you, the week of the scheduled date I was so nervous the whole time worrying about it. The anxiety is no joke when it comes to getting it done and then having to wait for results. EEP. I got the scan done yesterday morning and I am not seeing my oncologist until Monday for a follow up and the results of the scan. I was not looking forward to worrying about the results all weekend. THANKFULLY though, my doctor who did my colectomy surgery read the results a couple hours after it was submitted and then called me directly to let me know! Ugh, I really do have the best doctors. It just feels amazing that they go out of the way to do a gesture that impacts the patient greatly! And... the results were that it looks the SAME aka still CANCER FREE!! Yay! Now I could finally breathe and enjoy the weekend!

Work wise - which many of you have asked.. I have started working again about 3 weeks ago. Now don’t go jumping for joy, its only 4hour shifts twice a week for now. It is also doing admin work, not direct patient care working on my L&D unit. Baby steps! (Ugh). I was the one that asked work and my doctor if I could go back to work. It just felt like my brain was melting away not being used. And it felt like I had no reason to get out of bed and do anything. It also felt like I wasn’t needed. Don’t get me wrong, I have so many limitations written by the doctors for what I can and cannot do at work because I still have so many side effects from chemo that I am still waiting (really impatiently now) to go away. - I will go over these in a minute. With work though, so far, so good. Slowly getting back into the routine and hoping to up my hours soon. I was told by multiple health care workers to stop trying to rush to go back to work and do this for like 6 months until I am due for another evaluation. I legit said.. I mean the only reason I want to work more is because who can live off of only working 8 hours a week?? Not me... I was BLESSED enough to get so many donations from so many people last year when I first found out I had cancer. But as you all know, all those doctor appointments, surgeries, chemo, etc is not cheap.. even with insurance. And of course I still had bills to pay monthly. So all the donated money is now depleted and I need money to pay my bills. Otherwise, I really wouldn’t rush into working my body that has just been through hell. Don’t worry though, I’m not jumping in and am really trying to be realistic. Plus, its not like I’ll get approved to go straight back in anyways even if I wanted lol. Honestly though, any suggestions? Oh and just for shits and giggles.. my very first day back working only 4 hours.. I went home and slept for 5 hours.. LOL

As for my side effects, I was told they would start going away after a few months (and now that its been a few months..) GO AWAY! I still have neuropathy - tingling, numbness, pain in my fingers and toes (which is also the most annoying one), fatigue, loss of balance, wonky ass emotions, chemo brain, umm.. I know I have a few more but I’m having trouble thinking of it. (Example of my stupid chemo brain winning). The neuropathy is worse during the winter because of the cold weather and ugh it is just so frustrating. Having trouble buttoning/zipping up my clothes/jackets, tying my shoelaces, holding/picking up stuff that’s cold, bending my fingers to grip and hold stuff.. you get the picture. Its hard at work too because the office I am using is shared with 2 others. One of them likes it cold.. and her temperature of it feeling nice is my omg its freaking freezing!! My hands are so cold (even with hand warmers) that it becomes hard to type. My fingers legit get cold as soon as I stop holding the hand warmer. I also have a hand warmer that plugs into the computer but it doesn’t get my fingers =\. I think i need to buy a small portable personal heater that goes on my desk and it pointed right at my fingers or something. =[. I was told if i still have neuropathy after a year it may never go away. Thankfully, I think it is a little better than before when I was still on chemo. So I’m really hoping it will go away. *fingers crossed*.

I did start working out again! I’m only going about twice a week and I have to stop a lot because I’m nauseous, lightheaded, dizzy, and really fatigued. I have to use the lightest weights and do all the exercises slower. It’s annoying because its such a backtrack from where I was, but hey, at least I’m working out again right? That’s what I have to keep telling myself. -_-.

As for my incision.. its getting better. After it healed all nicely (the last picture that was posted) it decided to hypertrophic on me!! Aka it like tripled in size and raised up! It also got super red! I feel like it happened over night or something. SO upsetting.. I swear I thought I was in the clear and the incision would be so thin, light pink and not very noticeable. Sigh. I also have a lot of scar tissue all over my abomden from the surgery that really is limiting my range of motion. So, I started seeing a chiropractor who do ART (active release technique). Pretty much it means that this technique is used to help break up scar tissue, decrease the pain, and increase the range of motion. (Its used for many other things but that’s what it is used for for me). I have been going twice a week for about 6 weeks now. When I first went, I showed the doctor how far I could lean back and was literally just standing up super straight hahahaha. Now, I can definitely lean back about maybe 30% on a good day? It likes to retract back so fast so i need to continuously stretch it out. THey do/use so many different tools and techiniques to work on it.. but lets just say.. NONE of it feels good. In fact, its pretty uncomfortable lol. I mean its breaking up scar tissue.. why would it feel good? The pain is worth it because not only do I have more range of motion, the pain is definitely less and the scar is actually softer/smoother. I’m no where near close to being done but I’m off to a good start, that’s for sure!

Anywho, I feel like I typed a lot and everything looks like its just being mashed together so I think I’m done for now. Feel free to ask me any questions though! Or/and let me know what other stuff you’re curious about so I can make sure to address it in my next post!

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suzie-guru · 5 years ago

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Are you still writing Strange Magic fics on AO3? Just wondering 'cause it doesn't look like you've been on the site for awhile. Still writing but your creative passions are in hibernation or have you quit?

I’m going to be completely honest and frank with you, Dear Anon, because it’s late and I’m tired and I don’t have anything else to do before going to bed and honestly, I guess I’ve been waiting for someone to send me a question about this because I’m that bitch who wants to make a post about this very issue but can’t because she thinks it will be construed as a cry for attention and she needs to wait for someone to ask about it in order to believe people are genuinely interested in her life.

ANYWHO.

You’re absolutely right, I haven’t been on AO3 in a long time, not since 2018 it looks like. As to your query about whether I’ve quit or if my creative passions are in hibernation...

It is truly one of my dearest wishes to finish my Strange Magic fanfics and timelines that I have/had planned. It was then, and it is now. So as long as that desire is there, I can’t say that I’ve quit. I don’t think I can.

But two things are making it hard as holy hell to get back into writing regularly the way I used to.

One, for the majority of 2016, 2017, and 2018, I was severely depressed and I fell out of writing. I was empty and despairing and in serious need of help, and my passion for writing and keeping a regular routine with it got fucking gutted. I’m in a much better state now, and genuinely happy and mentally healthy, but I haven’t recovered my writing, not the way I wrote before. And honestly, I’m scared I’ll never have it again.

The second thing is...no one is really interested in my writing anymore. Not my fanfics, not my original work.

With my Trollhunters fanfics, I haven’t seen any of 3Below so I feel like I can’t continue the fanfics I wanted to unless I pull an Alternate Continuity and do what I want and screw Canon, and I don’t think people would care for that. With my Mad Max story, I never got that much attention for it so even though I would like to continue it, I feel pretty at peace it would only be for myself.

But my Strange Magic fanfics...

You need to understand, I was part of the rise of the fandom for that movie. I had never been recognized by other fandom members, nor experienced such a joyous sense of community. It was intoxicating, and easily one of the happiest times of my life. I was creating, having a LEGIT writing schedule, and people were telling me what they thought about my stories. It was heaven. I met some of my absolute dearest friends through the Strange Magic fandom. I felt known and loved, and that’s incredibly rare for me.

And now...

I think the fandom for Strange Magic is alive and well, and that’s a great and glorious thing, but people that I knew have moved on. I’m still friends with the people I have met through the fandom because more than the fandom connects us, and I thank my lucky stars for that.

But no one really shows any interest in my fanfics anymore. No one wants to know what happens in the storylines.

And I know that not being active for the past three years has played a big part in that, and I wish I could claw my depression out of me and whack it with a shovel for what it did, but it is what it is. People don’t care about my stories.

I tried to get back into them, tried to participate in fandom again. I wrote Chapter Ten for Between the Shadow and the Soul and eagerly waited to see what people would think, how they would react...

...and nothing happened. No one cared that I posted it. No one gave a rat rancid rump, much less comments and feedback and thoughts.

And I’ll admit, that was a huge fucking blow. Maybe I got arrogant, I fully acknowledge that. But that fanfic is incredibly dear and beloved to me, and I felt so triumphant for getting back to it. And no one cared. Not one, not even my friends who had been so excited for me in the past.

So...I don’t know, Dear Anon. I don’t want to quit these stories. But I’ve also come to realize that hearing people’s thoughts and getting feedback is really important to me. I’m not OWED it by any means, of course, but it certainly helps me move forward. I miss that. I miss being part of a creative community, one where we help build each other up.

Maybe I’m being bitter and tired, but it feels like people have moved on from my stories, and on from me. Even though I know at the end of the day a writer should write for themselves...I loved writing for the Strange Magic fandom.

And I feel like I don’t matter there anymore.

#suzie's replies #strange magic fandom #strange magic fanfics #suzie's strange magic fanfics #sorry if this reads as a bitter and or bitchy #I don't mean to be #but I guess this has been sitting on my heart for a long time #Anonymous

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heartshapedcreaturefromcriptoon · 5 years ago

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The deal with my deer tail: Continued from the last tagged post (MENTIONS OF EX’S AND OHS OFF THE PORT BOW).

Like, I’m very painfully aware that this is %200 a trauma/coping thing that I’ve developed for myself now because deer were … My exe’s absolute favorite animal of all time ever and he associated with them deeply in regards to certain aspects of his personality and hobbies and this kinda plays a little bit into why I was attracted to him in the first place because it was such unique interest for someone to have and then ….Of course his favorite film ever was “Bambi” like, to the point of having the plushies and the original ORIGINAL book by Felix Salten along with it’s original sequel book and everything and it’s like …So odd for me because I live right by the woods in the middle of nowhere anyway and not a day goes by without discussion of these creatures in my house or without an offer to go “deer spotting” or “Bambi Spotting”… And I don’t have much room to say “no” because who would say “no” to deer sighting so I typically just go along with as if it doesn’t effect me because I have no choice….. And anyway outside of my home life I know tumblr typically loves deer and deer aesthetics as well and while I thought I’ve been trying to go out of my way to avoid this particular animal (at least on social media if I’m unable to in my home life) for the longest time because I associate them so deeply with my ex … Because deer were *HIS* thing … I’m slowly coming to terms with this creeping realization that I’ve had that I’ve not only been surrounded by the actual animal since before I met him …. But I’ve also just … Been surrounded by just …. All these deer characters and deer aesthetic since he left me…. And that also hurts me ….Because ….Since he’d been trying to find ways to get back in contact with me for the better part of the decade yearly since then, without ever apologizing, and since 2017 I’ve only had two years without receiving something from him in order to fully process how he’d been in my life for a near full decade like, wether I wanted him to be or not … That sort of just … devolved into this odd habit of me projecting unto certain characters with these kind of aesthetics and relationship dynamics to help cope because he never gave me anything else and it’s weird because I started to seek out these things and look at them in context to my relationship with this person and I just felt ….. bittersweet but okay because I would think of him and I would think of the way that he used to make me feel and feel and I would feel sad but because of the nature and narrative that I was projecting toward I would also feel comforted in a way and validated and calm? Which is also the way I’d start to feel whenever I’d see an actual deer or mention of deer or even see clips or concept art from “Bambi” or a baby deer …

But ………

So back in 2018, just a couple days after what would have been one of our “anniversaries” had past, and I hadn’t even keeping track of how many at that point but like, basically something happened that triggered me into a remember the time that in 2013 he had found my tumblr and followed me without warning, context or permission, without even speaking to me after finding me the year before this just to let me know how much he couldn’t care less about me, apparently ….. which, sure, Jan.

But … This time he was freaking me out because he was just following me silently on a blank account out of nowhere and I kind of managed to find what could’ve been considered my first ever girlfriend within the six months to a year that he’d been out of my life and it is me and this new girl had only “official” for 3 days after like, 6 months of slow burn flirting with each other and then this other cowardice arsehole who didn’t even have the dignity to speak to me proper was … Someone who had known for me for 3 years and someone whom I had once shared the most intimate parts of myself with.

In short I could already foresee this becoming a pattern after he’d managed to contact me the last time so I ended up breaking down and having a panic attack.

I didn’t know what to do and I felt sick to my stomach and I didn’t want him putting me in a spot, so… I made a screen cap and a post and kind of explaining who he was and how he hurt me and how I didn’t want him hurting my girlfriend or anyone else so just PLEASE don’t talk to him etc. And then I blocked him and threw up. And would-be-girlfriend blocked me the next day because of this…

A couple weeks later around New Years, I decided to log into the old hotmail account that I had just because I was curious….

The first email that he sent me was to let me know that he was going to follow me on tumblr and he was asking how my Christmas was and inquiring how I was doing, he wanted to know if I was “fine”. His version of pet names all included as if nothing had gone wrong between us ….

The next three emails, sent within minutes of each other, each only sentences long, were all responding to my reaction to his following me on tumblr without a word, without context, and seemingly without context …. These emails all of which I did not end up saving or screen caping because…. I’m pretty much 99% freaking. Percent. SURE! That he stated something passively along the lines of: “ If I REALLY wanted to *BLANK* , I would have done so… >.>” cause I distantly remember his little side eye emoji that he placed after the words “done so” and like, it’s really easy to kind of place the words “HURT YOU” in the middle of that, because that’s what I was talking about him doing in context, which would lead to at least vaguely remembering this in a full sentence as: “If I REALLY wanted to hurt you, I would have done so … >.>”

So yes, I’m at least 99% sure that he had threatened me, like that …

And of course I didn’t respond, but I do remember feeling threatened enough that it made my heart race and it made me cry and I needed to ask my mom for champaign to calm and I also remember that the whole reason why I didn’t save those emails was because if I did it would make the threat real and would need to tell my parents and I just didn’t want to think of him that way or what he’d meant by that and because this was already becoming a pattern, I didn’t want to spend another entire year of being paranoid he was planning something …

And he also kept going about what a nice guy he was and told me to have a nice life and told me he was gonna check up on me anymore and said that I treated him like shit …

So I just took a sip of my champaign, told myself I’d see him in a year, and deleted his emails… This was in 2013.

In 2014, I caught him spying on me through the visitors page of an account I’d already gone out of my way to block him on, and I noticed that, even though it been two years, he still had the icon that I had personally picked out for him as his avatar, an odd memory to keep from someone you claim to not care about, constantly ….

In 2015, he sent me a silent skype request…

In 2016.. He found my tumblr again …Actually saying something where I could access it this time … He sent me like, 7 IM’s and for the most part was back to being nice as pie, back to his version of calling me pet names and everything … claimed that he just wanted to say Hello …

He said that we could talk someday if I wanted to and that it was up to me … I still didn’t answer, because for one this was past midnight on Friday The 13th and when I saw that I had 7 IM’s and a new follower I just …. I got this sinking gut feeling that I knew that it was him and then I told myself that I was being paranoid again and that he couldn’t possibly because I’d already blocked him and so I opened up the messages just to prove to myself that I was wrong and got met with his username and a single smiley face emoji like:

“:)” Was the first thing I saw when I opened his messages…

And I immediately closed them out again and I closed tumblr out and I just sat there …. for awhile … Because the last thing he did say to me verbally was to threaten me and tell me that I treated him like shit … And I had no way of knowing what could be behind that smiley face …

But I needed to know … So I opened the messages and read them …

And that’s when he went back to being as nice as his own pie recipe and seemingly pretending like those emails and the spying didn’t happen …

Like, I don’t know if he knew I knew about them, but I have an inkling he must’ve otherwise he wouldn’t have been that cocky … “:)” is not a friendly smiley face, nor will it ever be.

And in the middle before all that he was like: “Let’s hope you don’t bite my head off this time …. xD” referring back to only the 2013 incident when I said something indirectly and that scared away the girl I was about to maybe start something with, again as if that didn’t happen ….

So, I didn’t answer him, because he didn’t earn it.

So like yeah, back in 2018, due to …. certain contexts of certain things which would also lead into me having anticipated myself getting caught up in an over abundance of people’s appreciation for deer, due to something that I not mention, I’d also been triggered/hit with a sharp realization that, October 27th, 2019 would have been the 10 year anniversary of having met that person in the first place, if he hadn’t discarded me after 3 years and then spent like, the better part of the decade trying to get in contact with me, upon the deeper realization that, even as of now, I’ve only really officially had this person out of my life for two years, and on top of that, he’d still find a way of showing up in my life Every. Single. Year. For the past four years. And now I would have to be dealing with an over abundance of deer and ‘Bambi’ references and puns, even more so than I obviously did and still do now, in my home life…

So my reaction was to laugh. REALLY fucking hard. And then I realized that deer might actually just…. LEGIT be my trigger always and then I started crying laughing cause I was just like “OH dear GOD… (and I can’t even like, say that that or type that without it already being a pun without it being a pun …which only makes it FUNNIER …) I might LEGIT have Bambiphobia!”

And then I broke down. Because I didn’t know how to feel about this or how I was gonna deal with it.

I’m still figuring out how I feel about this and how I’m dealing with it ….

My ex …. Was….He wasn’t a very complex boy but, he had always been more ,… In touch with things like femininity and sensitivity, or at least made a show of it, but I’d like to think he was genuinely like that considering what his interests were and he might’ve been autistic too just, looking back on things in context?

(His absolute FAVORITE music to listen to was also Owl City and he loved Adam Young, and considering Adam Young is self diagnosed and my ex’s special interest in deer, and Bambi and the books and the plushies and the the way he could just …talk and talk to me about anything for hours and hours and hours and we’d never we’d never get tired of each other…. I’ve just been doing all this math in my head I’m not trying to imply anything bad about these things and they all play into factors of why I was originally attracted to him to begin with).

He openly identified as Bisexual before I even knew what that was for myself and still kind of considered myself “Straight but not Narrow TM” or whatever kind of definition I saw on Television.

He wrote poetry as a hobby and of course knew how to play the piano while I did none of those things.

He was 17 when I met him but due to cultural difference of where he lived… he enjoyed wine and opera.

He was extremely well spoken and charming and articulate, and he also loved Mr. Rodger’s and Albert Einstein to the point of just having just … One big black and white poster of Albert in his room and one time, he was going on about his admiration for Rodger’s and so innocently told me how he intended to write and send him fan-letters one day and then reasonably became extremely upset when I informed that Rodger’s passed away, and I felt even more so helpless to comfort him when he asked me if I could tell him a little bit more about Rodger’s life to make him feel better and I knew absolutely nothing about the man aside from vaguely remembering that I used to watch his show when I was small …

So yeah my ex’s personality could essentially be summed up as: “ Eccentric, Silly “Smart” boy”, if I needed to …

He once excused himself when I told him that I needed to eat soon and came back, all decked out in a tuxedo to “have dinner together”, and I was about to eat a taco…

This one time he noticed that I was super uncomfortable and upset because I just watched this disgusting ableist film that had like incest in and shit and I didn’t wanna tell him but he got it out it out of me and HE KNEW WHAT FILM I WAS TALKING ABOUT AND THEN WANT ON BIG RANT AND ESSAY ABOUT HOW VILE IT WAS AND HOW I SHOULD PAY IT NO MIND AND AFTERWARDS HE WAS LIKE: “You know what? We need some music to wash the taste out of our mouths…” and then he just started playing the piano to calm me down further.

And I’m only saying it like this because incase no one has noticed it’s been a little bit more… Confusing? For me to try and throw a man like this into everyone’s typical “FuckBoyTM” box and call that “Healing”.

I wouldn’t even wanna put labels on him …

I genuinely feel as though I would need to think back to olden times in order to find a way to insult him that would accurately combat and deconstruct the amount of passion we brought out in each other, if it is appropriate to speak of my feelings for him in this context.

His mistreatment of women that he did not like …. Left much to be desired in regards to his attitude. Though his comments were mostly reserved for his half sister, my half sister, and fictional characters and I’m not bringing this up to try and say that this was justified or frame it into a: “Well, he never did that to ME sort of picture …” Though, the odd thing is that, for all the things that my younger self had shared with him, after his abandonment, ever year for four years I’d kept on waiting for the shoe to drop and for him to call me names and slurs and for the verbal abuse to finally commence and he just …

He wouldn’t do any of that. He never did. Not once. Not even during times he would get angry with me when we were together.

So when HE DID, lose his patience with me, he never resorted to name calling, so when he said and did things that hurt me, that he should’ve known better for doing, that meant he was really fucking harsh ….

So harsh, that one night….. It would be the final night I’d ever thought I’d speak to him again. Or at least begin to test him to see if he would come back and apologize and therein lies the the issue: HE ALWAYS came back, HE NEVER apologized.

Perfect. Gentleman. (Of course I’m using sarcasm).

Seriously, you know that new chat post about Male Victorian Novel Protagonist has fucked by his Lady Love and Knows This, BUT is Too Proud to admit this though still pines for her so when he speaks to her now he just: *sweats*…Is your family in good health?

Legit triggers my PTSD cause for the past four years with me it’s been just: Hey mate. Wanted to see how your X-mas was. Is your family okay? Are you fine? I’ve got some time off… Okay fine, I won’t check on you anymore, it’s not like I still love you or anything, baka! >.< *cue two more years of silent bating before* Hey kiddo you doing okay? I know it’s late but my days off today and if you wanna talk someday you can I’ll leave you alone now! :)

Like I know I’m paraphrasing but that’s pretty much it (and I know I know I’m sorry for the “baka” joke, but he WAS a huge otaku nerd to a certain extent and all the anime that I would watch before I really started interacting with AMV editing community on YouTube was recommended him so needless to say I do not watch Anime so much anymore but I couldn’t resist making a “baka” joke in my own mind while reading his poorly veiled passive aggression and it’s written down and out of my system how I’m gotten to properly share one of the ways I’ve teased him for this if only in my own mind.

The thing that makes me feel weird/guilty about all this though is despite his behavior suspicious as shenanigans, he’d only ever attempt close contact once per year (as far as I know) and as far as I know aside from that one time I’d caught him spying on an art group from an account I’d already blocked him on which I don’t really know how he found (which okay, still a little shaken up about that one every time I type about it) his way of always popping up in my life somehow never really strayed from his ordinarily open way of trying to do it, and he’d never verbally abuse me or call me names or slurs while this was happening, despite how condescending or ominous he was while trying to get a razzle out of me …

MEANWHILE, because I let him get a razzle out of me, no matter how long ago it was before I found cpunk, I ended up deliberately calling him an extreme ableist slur just to send him away from away from me, over what was nothing more than a silly misunderstanding and classic case of miscommunication because I couldn’t see his first email and didn’t think to check before I went off on him, regardless if the misunderstanding could’ve been prevented if he communicated directly or not.

And I was too caught up in my reaction to him choosing being ominous and condescending when once he finally decided to try to speak to me again after two years of silent lurking after the last time he tried to speak to me he passively threatened me, that I didn’t get to take back the use of my ableist language toward when I had the chance. Which is the only thing that I’d ever apologize for before his, if he ever gave me one, and of course not conditionally for the both of us.

My ex’s most sensitive spot has always been his mental health and I’ve always known this because I found out once in the early stages of our relationship when we were roleplaying and I went a little too far with my character, so that’s in 2013 when I panicked I decided to say something…like that to upset him in hopes that he would leave me alone but I was really more hurt than I was scared and I would have confronted him directly but again I had a putting it quite bluntly flakey rebound “girlfriend” at the time and I had no idea where she was and I was freaking out and I didn’t want him putting me in a spot and I didn’t know what would happen if he left me alone. And this was at a time when I was taking the “stealth” mode about being disabled. Partially because of him (Gee I WONDER what could’ve happened).

The only person who knew this about me, very intimately (not intimately enough), was him and of course at the time I would NEVER tell my silly abled-bodied brit of a rebound girlfriend.

So, I did what I did and I said what I said.

At the time I only became slightly afraid when I read his reaction in those emails, and then the next year when I caught him spying on already blocked account and the blocking system worked both ways so I had no way of confronting him about it even if I wanted to ether way.

Though, I was admittedly slightly comforted knowing that he never changed the icon I’d picked out for him ….enough to kinda calm me down a bit…… Is that weird of me? It was weird of him.

Now because of this trigger and the context of certain things as to WHY this was such a strong trigger and in context of certain things that we both said… and in regards of the way he handled trying to get back in contact with me for four years and responded to the one reaction he got out of me and proceeded to continue the pattern for 3 years when he couldn’t just used that time to apologize like I’d been waiting for him to do and meanwhile I’m still… confused and guilty … because the first and final reaction he ever got out of me was …that.

For the past year now…. I haven’t been able to stop myself from crying and I just don’t feel like I can let it be like this anymore because I already felt awful about everything before but relating everything in context of the trigger which is another case where I could actually use it help cope is just making me feel so much worse.

What makes this even worser though is that this particular trigger is not only very popular and very public and with this substantial involvement of deer and deer aesthetics and then certain aesthetics and even names …. That I feel like only the two of us would get that it’s just ouch… But like, this thing is also interconnected with Owl City, like not officially but in it’s own way? Which is one of the first things that I thought of once I let the trigger settle because one of the FIRST questions that my ex asked me the day that I met him was wether or not I liked Owl City and I had never even heard of them before so I looked them up and my heart melted and I just knew I had to keep this God Damn Fucking Ray Of Sunshine in my miserable life and never let him go….

And I like to think obviously that the tables must have turned a little bit since then which is another part of what makes using my triggers as coping mechanisms if I can, so cathartic and funny to me and why people can pry this method from my hysterical hands …..

But what I’m getting at here making the Owl City mention even though I hadn’t had myself listen to a single Goddamn thing of theirs for 7 years up until this FREAKING. YEAR (because the tears were already flooding, my honey’s, so I figured MIGHT AS WELL! And yes I did end up crying my eyes out like I knew that would happen if I’d ever let myself listen to Adam Young ever again …) is that… This this thing….. That I love….. Is also a thing my ex would love ….And the reason that all my projectional coping mechanisms work so well is because the dynamics that remind me of our relationship tend to work both ways and is probably part of the reason how I was able to keep (at least reasonably) calm through the 4 years he kept tabs on me was because I felt like I had this very specific trope-y outlet to project my feelings onto and I know that he was a nerd so, if he was … paying attention and absorbing the same media I was …(he would’ve already learned how to apologize…)

No, but seriously, the difference is with THIS media though… Is because it has so many ties to so many of his own aesthetics and things he enjoys …..I just know ….. That he was seeing exactly what I was seeing. I was DREADING the concept of knowing that I was going to fall in love with this thing from the very beginning and it got to the point where I’d be reminded of certain elements I’d forgotten or I’d see certain things play-out for the the first time and, my breath would hitch in my chest …. and I feel guilty (You cannot be attracted to this you cannot be attracted to this you cannot be attracted to this. Not THIS time. Not again. Never again. Stop it …. Stop it…Stop it. Because ether way this is bad. This is terrible. This is going to be by far the WORST one because you know it involves the actual THING now for both you instead of just elements of the thing why are you subjecting yourself to this?! You know he’s seeing this right now….If he watched the Owl City thing that we’re not watching, then he’s watching this. And YOU shouldn’t be watching this ether!

And so, I would discipline myself to disassociate: You will NOT project THAT relationship onto these two characters, they haven’t even interacted yet!

And then …. that happened. They interacted. And it obviously felt so much worse then…. I prepared myself two seconds in for how it was gonna play out. But I wasn’t prepared that it would end ….or even be that close to home. And then I reminded myself that he was probably watching the same thing that I was, as I’ve always done because it was fun being reminded I was right, my only solace really because projecting myself through these characters was the closest I’d ever get to an apology, but the time that the first viewing was over, everything just felt so wrong and I just felt so uncomfortable about everything and I started to cry cause I knew my reactions to this dynamic were gonna be the most intense from here on out and ………I was so confused and afraid of my own emotions at that moment… And I was feeling a lot of them.

What concerned me the most here though, was being almost certain of the fact that that, if I was watching and it triggered a reaction, HE was most likely watching and it triggered a reaction.... And given the context of the trigger that I’m talking about .... I mean, if it hit close enough to send me into a freaking emotional whiplash and make ME breakdown and make cry and make sick enough to tell my parents and they didn’t even care ... because they said that they already “knew”...(not even discussing the fact that a year later, I would be assaulted by the one man in my family who should have never been the one to guide me through something so awkward but who “helped” me through this emotionally but, again would beat me a year later while my useless mother watched and laughed and would tell me it was it was my fault and I would end briefly removed from my home because of this because he’d left me with bruises and a permeant physical scar ... over food)

...then, I can’t help but think of how my ex would ....Ether be absolutely disgusted with himself or... be... very entertained by all of this. Or both. I know I’ve been both.

And oh, remember all that emotional whiplash I just mentioned in the above paragraph? Well it’s only gotten worse as time went on. Right now I’d say it’s at it’s peak.

Funny this thing is ....I’d been trying to fight back against this temptation to reach out to my ex since this whole thing started and like .... Once we were well into 2019 I just .... realized that fighting this wasn’t going to work anymore if certain circumstances were going to be what they were and things ended up cutting so close to what I feared that it almost doesn’t matter anyway and it still hurts me just as much if not now more so, because of other certain happenings that I will not mention.

And now I can openly admit why the entirety of 2019 has just felt like a ticking time bomb to me. Like of course there are plenty of other factors adding into why .... I’ve been preparing to go through with reaching out to him now but ,like... My paranoia has been like, trying to tell me that this has all just been one big long game or a test and has been making me feel as though he had somehow pre-planned this all and is he currently anticipating me contacting him before 2019 is over.

And that notion is driving me just as bananas as the idea of actually letting myself go through with contacting him.

So I might as well.

I mean ....

Our relationship was taken extremely seriously by the the both of us for the most part... up until the end.

And we were technically each others first times.

We weren’t even dating, really... I just refer to him as my “ex” to make things less complicated..... But for those three years.... We were each others partners....In a way. It just makes things easier to say He Vas My Boyfriend.

I’m suggesting it that would make sense if he would want to try getting back in contact with me and check on me but feel shy and not know how to make it better since he’d have to understand how he fucked up that badly. And for a time... he was the only one who kept extending the invitations for contact.

At least this way I can check to see if he’s okay.

Everything is so fucked up. I know this.

Though Christmas might be the right time to except his last open invitation, all things considered.

I would’ve originally had more time to plan this out had it not been for everything that happened.

My coping mechanisms are as bitter as wormwood and as sharp as a doubled edge sword.

I’m just a creature. That’s it. I cannot change this.

I might not be online for a while.

Another Friday the 13th.

Well fancy that.

#Moon Outta' Spoons #ask to tag #ask to tag better #I watched Bambi and Bambi II for the third or maybe fourth time in the last couple of months and like .... Also really for the first time #ever. I don't really know how that's impacted me yet but like it's gotta be good for something taking the leap that I'm about to.#You guys ever notice how MegaraxAladdin was a really popular crossover ship? That's pretty neat huh?#If I ever allow myself to express specific inspiration it's just gonna play out like ...#EX: *FINDS ME* ME: HOW THE FUCK DID YOU KNOW IT WAS ME? EX: BECAUSE IT IS YOU YOU HAVE THE SAME INTERESTS YOU'VE ALWAYS HAD YOU JUST #YOU JUST SLIGHTLY CHANGED YOUR URL!#I told you guys that this was gonna get weird and you have no ideer but it's like now after all these years and I've finally been presented #The opportunity to be able to vent about something that's been causing me so much pain for so long SO SPECIFICALLY that I wouldn't be able #to go through with if I wanted to because SOMEBODY OUT THERE WOULD DEFINITELY HAVE AN IDEA!#So I guess no more playing Hide and Seek then .......#Again I don't really know what to say I just might not be online for a while.

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mayaparker · 5 years ago

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@rydenbolt, @scarlettxruby & Maya meet up at the Autumn Festival and do so much needed catching up.

Part I

Maya didn’t want to go home. She rarely wanted to go home these days. So instead, she and Hermes were wandering the festival for another night. She’d picked up a spiked hot chocolate earlier, but had yet to drink it. She didn’t feel much like drinking tonight. While lively, the festival wasn’t turning out to be quite the kind of party that let her take her mind off everything. “What do you think?” Maya asked the husky at her side, “Think we should blow this popsicle stand?”

“Yanno, ‘blow’ and 'popsicle’ totally fit t'gether in any sentence you say.” A familiar voice she probably hadn’t heard in a while answered instead of the dog her question was directed at. Ryden, a bottle of Guinness in hand, approached Maya with his usual sharp grin. They haven’t seen each other in a while - a fact that made Ryden feel strangely giddy when he recognized her from a distance and decided to say hello.

Maya wasn’t expecting Hermes to answer, of course. She was therefore a little surprised to hear any answer at all. She looked up to see Ryden approaching her, beer in hand. The smile that broke across her face was impossible to stop. She even huffed a laugh. But still in the back of her head alarm bells went off. Somehow Ryden always saw through her. Which meant he’d probably see through her attempts to be 'just fine, thanks’. But she had missed him. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you have your mind in the gutter,” Maya replied. Hermes, on the other hand, regarded the newcomer with suspicion and moved to stand between the two of them. She, though, didn’t even notice.

Ryden snorted in amusement as Maya scolded her dog for growling at him, letting the husky get a whiff of him just enough to remember the scent and stop being nervous about him before he stepped past Hermes to join Maya properly. “Yeah, I can see it. There are things he can do that I can’t. Like licking his own butt. Legit.” He bumped his beer bottle against her cup of hot chocolate. “Cheers.”

Having decided that while this person looked like those people Maya was afraid of, but didn’t smell like them, Hermes returned to Maya’s side. “Sounds like you’re just not applying yourself,” she teased. She knocked her glass with Ryden’s and returned his cheers. She took a sip. The drink was stronger than she’d expected, a fact which showed in her expression before she managed to council her expression. Trying to move past it, she asked, “How’ve you been?”

“Yer a bonnie lass, luv, but I ain’t gunna kiss me own arse for ya, sorry.” Ryden’s grin widened, having missed the banters they shared. Her face as she sipped on her hot chocolate got him laughing fondly at her. “Wha'choo put in there, yo? Nasty cough syrup? Ya look like yer about to retch."His smile faltered a little when she asked him how he’s been. It was strange to hear her ask that - they’ve grown so close lately that it felt odd to act like acquaintances who haven’t seen each other in a while. "Ahh, yanno me. I’m alright. Enjoyin’… whatever this is.” He glanced about, knowing that the festival is autumn related but not really his thing. He was just there for the music and drinks. “You?”

“So I’m hoping I’m going to do it or…?“ Maya teased again. Even in the dim half light, the mischievous sparkle in her eyes was easy to spot. Of course, he’d caught her reaction. "I was expecting whiskey and I got vodka. A lot of vodka,” she explained. She offered it up for him to taste too, to prove that she wasn’t overreacting. Someone had gone a bit heavy handed on the vodka. It didn’t escape Maya’s attention either the slight fade in his smile when she asked how he’d been. It was better this way, she tried to tell herself, them not seeing each other as often meant he wouldn’t feel like he had to save her from this cult nonsense. She could save herself. Even she didn’t really believe it. As far as an answer, she shrugged, “Can’t complain.” That much was true, but even to say she was fine wasn’t really true.

Ryden took the cup from her, tasting the chocolate with a shrug. “I see no problem with this.” Because honestly, he willingly drank much much worse before. Returning the cup to her, he hunched a little to peer into her face. “How about them worry lines ya got overnight? Can’t complain of those either?” He knew how Maya looked when well-rested and content. This was not it.

Maya stuck her tongue out. It wasn’t like she’d been exactly going easy on the drinking recently, but for a family friendly festival it was more vodka than she’d expected. And then there it was, the reason she hadn’t called or texted in awhile. She gave him a plaster smile, “I’m fine, Ryden.” She was lying. Usually, at this point, she would’ve used sex to try and distract him. Back in New York, it always did that trick. But she already knew that wouldn’t work here. Almost as if on cue, something in the corner of her eye snapped her attention to it. It wasn’t one of them. Her shoulders relaxed. She took a sip of her drink and refocused with a smile.

“Yer sayin’ my name. It ain’t good if yer sayin’ my name.” Eyebrow quirked, he watched her head spin around to glance at something only to decide it wasn’t whatever she thought it was. He took a long, careful sip off his beer, eyeing her suspiciously while he drank. Ryden wasn’t good at figuring complicated people out, but what he knew very well was how to read body language. Maya was on edge - it was so completely obvious that it poked him right in the eye. “So, what shit have ya gotten yerself into, hm? It ain’t drugs for sure. Ya don’t rob banks either. A bloke ya picked up for a while and can’t handle bein’ dropped? Or is it some supernatural, magic related shit?”

Maya shook her head, “I haven’t gotten myself into anything.” Technically true seeing as it wasn’t her fault this cult had decided she had some kind of destiny. She took a long drink from her cup. Maybe it would be better to get drunk tonight. “Certainly, not anything I can’t handle,” she added. Hermes whined, clearly disagreeing. Maya threw the husky an accusatory look as if he had betrayed her.

“Yeah, if ya could, what’s the backup doin’ here?” He pointed at the husky, just as he whined in protest. “Sledge pullin’ aside, why a guard dog?” He dropped by Maya’s place a couple of times when she wasn’t in to pick some stuff up. Her place still looked as safe as a place could get and there were no signs of anyone having broken in at any point. Ryden clicked his studded tongue against the roof of his mouth, draining the last of his beer. “Fine, ya won’t tell me. Yer choice. I ain’t gunna coddle ya into it. But ya should know that when yer in a situation, it’s a smart thing to ask for help. 'Nless I’m totally overreactin’ here but I don’t think I am cause, girl, the only person I know that’s got worse luck than you is me.”

Maya looked away from Ryden. He was right, of course. It wasn’t getting any worse, but it wasn’t getting any better either. As for his first two questions, she didn’t bother answering them. There wasn’t a way to do it without lying. Or worse, admitting she was terrified. She only brought her gaze back when he said the smart thing to do would be asking for help. She drained her own glass. “Yeah, and when’s the last time you asked for help?” she asked.

“Just cause I got stupid issues, don’t mean ya gotta jump off that bridge too,” Ryden snorted at her, with a hint of annoyance to his tone. He tossed the beer bottle side, then straightened the leather collar of his jacket. "I’m crashin’ at yer place for a while.” He declared like she got no choice in it.

“I can take care of myself,” Maya bumped her shoulder against Ryden’s, “Y'all don’t have to worry about me.” She couldn’t help her smile when he announced that he’d be crashing at hers for awhile. She should be annoyed and it would make it harder to pretend she was fine. But it made her feel safer. For a long moment, she looked around the festival, just observing. She wasn’t looking at him when she said, “I’ve missed you, you know.”

“No ya can’t. Ya suck at it big time,” Ryden bumped her shoulder back, a smirk back on his face. As if he were just waiting for that permission, he threw an arm around her shoulders when she confessed she’d missed him. His lips pressed against her temple and stayed there for a long moment, breathing out his relief. Unusually enough, he felt safe with her too - she was a brief, occasional escape from his own problems, a safe place he wasn’t finding anywhere else. Even though everything they had between them was built on promises to keep distance, it felt good to pretend with Maya that they were both fine and that everything was okay.

"Rude and uncalled for,” Maya managed to tease, “If somewhat true.” She was trying to prove just that to herself at the moment, that she could still take care of herself. As he threw an arm around her, she leaned into his warmth. Until this moment, she didn’t realize how long she’d been cold. Ignoring the bustle of the festival around them, they just stood there. Maya’s heartbeat slowed properly for the first time in weeks. “Can we just pretend?” she asked quietly, “Just for tonight that there’s no one chasing me and no one chasing you. That we’re just two normal people with normal people problems?”

Reluctantly, Ryden broke contact to look down at Maya, though he kept his arm around her, the fabric of her jacket cold against his palm. “Okay, so sumone’s chasin’ ya.” It wasn’t a question, but a conclusion, since she’d just confessed it. He squeezed her shoulders just a bit tighter when she asked him to pretend, at least for tonight. “Yeah, I guess we could do that. I’m into roleplay.” He huffed out a breathy chuckle.

Ruby was back at the festival with no real goal other than more churros and a LOT of beer. She held her sixth… or was it seventh… up to her mouth and finished it off before tossing the bottle into the trash. She had a lot on her mind recently, some of which was pretty confusing. Not necessarily in a bad way, but just in a way that required… a LOT of beer. She had headed back to the drinks stand when a familiar smell drifted towards her. Ruby turned her head and followed the scent, and when she saw who it was she grinned big enough to hurt. If he hadn’t been so long since she’d seen him, and she’d had less to drink, Ruby might’ve been more tactful. Especially since Maya hadn’t seen him in just as long. As it was, she merely ran in Ryden’s direction, giving barely a warning before launching herself at her friend in a what amounted to a tackle hug. “Oh my god… text a bitch once in awhile you loser…” she said, hugging him tight, oblivious to the serious conversation that had passed between the two.

Maya looked down when Ryden repeated what she’d admitted to. She brought her gaze back up with a genuine smile though when he agreed to pretend. A wicked grin curved her lips, even though the light hadn’t fully returned to eyes, “Oh? You should’ve told me…” Her sentence was cut off when someone jumped at Ryden. Immediately her brain went into fight or flight. But after half a second, her brain recognized Ruby and she relaxed a little. Hermes barked once, seeming to think that Ruby had agreed with his first impression of Ryden.

Good thing that Ryden’s wolfy sense got him to turn just in a nick of time to catch Ruby as she launched herself at him. “Holy fuck, ya got heavy, lass! Too many doughnuts?” He picked her off the ground, giving her a little spin. When he put her down, he was grinning from ear to ear. “Yeah, naw, I don’t like you, didn’t ya git the message?” He teased, pinching her chin. Then his nose picked up the scent of alcohol on her. “Drunk ass bitch, don’t run when yer barely standin’..”

Ruby couldn’t help the laughter that bubbled up as Ryden spun her around. She heard Hermes’ bark, smelled Maya’s familiar scent of cake and other things, and when Ryden sat her down, she tried not to wobble. “It’s the churros, not doughnuts,” Ruby grinned. She gave him a hard poke at the not liking her comment, tilting towards the touch to her chin with friendly affection. “I’d be standin’ fine if someone hadn’t spun me like a top.” She grinned at Maya. “I know you want him all to yourself, but you coulda texted me too lady.” She was teasing. Mostly.

Maya just smiled as Ryden spun Ruby around. She was safe here. Those cult kids would have to be crazy to kidnap her surrounded by people, especially when she was with two werewolves. Soon, she’d need another drink, but for now she was alright. As for Ruby’s comment, Maya raised an eyebrow, “Rude, first of all and second patently untrue. You know how well I love a threesome.” At the very least she liked that a drunk Ruby would, hopefully, distract Ryden from what was going on with Maya.

“I fuckin’ love churros,” Ryden confessed, then put his hands up to placate the situation. “Oi, girls, chill. Plenty of me for ya both. Don’t argue over it - shits up the mood.” He threw an arm over them both, him in the middle. “What are we drinkin’ t'night. Yer choice, Rubles, cause I ain’t lettin’ ya mix.”

“Yet still haven’t had one,” Ruby pointed out, booping Maya’s nose. “We should get more then,” Ruby said about churros. And beer. “I’ve had… beer. Lots of beer. Soo…. beer?”

Maya tilted her head, grinning wickedly. “I mean, I have had at least one. But that sounds like a challenge there Ruby.” She slung an arm around Ryden’s waist, seeing as it was the only part of him her arm could reasonably reach. “But yes to more drinks,” she added, “Although I’d like something a little harder than beer.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, okay, hold on. First of all, were ya talkin’ bout threesomes without me and second, what the fuck you two, ya hurt my feelings!” Which was, of course, not something Ryden was seriously considering but could always joke about. If he knew Maya and Ruby had a thing too, it would point his trail of thought in the right direction though. Directing them towards the alcohol stand, he grumbled. “Geez, ya both hella needy t'night. 'I want sumtin’ stronger, I want churros’.” His tone high pitched to ridicule their requests, Ryden chuckled, tightening the hold on his girls a little to keep the crowds they passed through from parting them.

“I mean… ain’t no party like a threesome party, right?” Ruby wrapped a hand around Ryden as well, humming thoughtfully as they walked. “Though I’m totally down to watch…” She was only partly joking. Given the right motivation - and the right amounts of alcohol - Ruby would totally put her voyeur kink into play. “How 'bout somethin’ stronger AND churros then?”

Maya laughed, “I’m sorry, but are you suggesting you wouldn’t want to fuck us both? We’re hot together.” She was still teasing. But it was also a distraction, a deflection from what she and Ryden had been talking about earlier. Plus she did know that they were both good in bed. As far as being needy, she only offered a shrug and, “Like five minutes ago you told me I was shit at taking care of myself and having to buy me something strong is what you get for rude comments like that.” She was teasing and deflecting again. But this time she was relying on Ruby’s drunkenness to keep them from getting too deep into it. Besides, it couldn’t be that big a deal if she could joke about it. Right?

“A'ight, so, ya two make up yer mind and keep me posted,” Ryden dropped those reins cause it was getting out of control and it amused him to no ends to find out where this discussion would end up at. But he had to point out the following to Maya. “Okay, so, me tellin’ ya you can’t take care of yerself calls for you to prove just HOW MUCH ya can’t take care of yerself? Hands down, ya got me there.”

Ruby snorted. “So needy tonight….” she grinned, repeated Ryden’s earlier tease back at him. But something else caught her ear too before she could make another threesome comment. “You can be pretty shit at takin’ care of yourself…” Ruby noted casually. “I mean usually you’re bombass… but come on… we practically got chased through a mirror house by one of those crazies just the other day.”

To say that Maya’s plan hadn’t gone like she expected would be an understatement. Later, much later, it would make her think about her life in New York and why anyone used to let her get away with deflections so obvious. She pulled her arm out to make a surrendering gesture, “Hey man, I’m just trying to get a free drink out of you.” Her expression blanked though when Ruby spoke. She hadn’t counted on that. But she gave an over-exaggerated smile, “But I’m still here. Thus, proving my point.” Instead of slipping her arm back around Ryden, she crossed them over her chest. She swallowed and glanced over her shoulder. It was fine. She could joke about it. She was fine.

Pursing his lips, Ryden was quiet for another moment, just to see if Maya would dig her own grave just a bit deeper. Seriously, this girl never learned. Whatever she was hiding, it was impossible that he’d never find out. Finally, he turned to Ruby. “Imagine that, she hadn’t told me yet, so do continue.” This was Ruby’s cue to share whatever Maya wouldn’t.

“Nothin’ else happened,” Ruby amended. “But there was this… guy. Watchin’ us. Even Hermes saw him. But then he was gone. Figured he was just some perv…” Ruby shrugged. “The three of us - Aedan was there too - made a run at the funhouse… guy followed us… nearly caught up to us in the mirror hall. Run as in we decided to try it out… not like we were… runnin’ from him or anything.” Ruby frowned, trying to remember that night. “We got out the emergency exit, locked the guy in… after that… we went home."

"See, just some perv,” Maya replied. She wrapped her arms tighter around herself. She couldn’t help but glance over her shoulder again. Still, there was no one there, but she couldn’t shake the feeling of being watched.

“Some perv who I’m pretty sure smelled like those cult fuckers that came to your house…” Ruby cut in.

“Uh-huh…” Ryden might’ve had too many cogs punched out of him throughout his life, but when what was left had to turn, they turned fast and with a purpose. “A perv doesn’t follow a group of people. Ever. They’d single out a person when they’re alone. And even if this perv is infinitely stupid and gits his kicks from gettin’ caught, he could be after Ruby or that Irishman. Not you in particular. Ruby don’t seem bothered. You do, though.” Then Ruby added this little tidbit about a cult and Ryden’s frown deepened. “What kind of cult?”

Maya swallowed. She stopped walking, arms wrapped as tight around herself as they would go. Ryden was right and they all knew it. Some perv wouldn’t act like the guy that night had. She’d met enough of them to know. “I can take care of myself, okay? I’ve been taking care of myself for a long time,” she argued. She didn’t bother trying to argue that it wasn’t the cult or that they hadn’t been following her. At this point, it was useless. “Whether or not the two of you believe it, I’m not some damsel in distress who needs rescuing.”

“Of course yer fuckin’ not. No one’s actually sayin’ that. I’m a nosy prick and I want to mess up your shit and you can’t stop me, fuck you. I’m crashin’ at her place for a while, by the way.” Ryden informed Ruby on that last note.

Ruby wasn’t bothered as far her own safety was concerned. Perhaps that was foolish, but she could handle herself, and when she couldn’t, she’d learned to outright ask for help. She knew that Maya wasn’t one to do that though. And Ruby didn’t judge. She’d tried to get her friend to listen, and in Maya’s own way, she had. The charms on her apartment. Hermes. But denial didn’t help the situation. “Ain’t nobody said you can’t,” Ruby told Maya. “We also ain’t said you need rescuin’. But your goddamn prides gonna get you somewhere you can’t talk your way out of.” Ruby might’ve been a little drunk, but that only loosened her tongue. “Good. I tried to stay. She kicked me out,” Ruby said. Which wasn’t 100% the truth. Ruby had stayed awhile, until she knew Maya had fallen asleep. But Maya hadn’t wanted her to stay at all.

“I’m going home,” Maya announced. She immediately turned and started to walk away. Mostly, she didn’t want them to see her start to cry. She was so completely terrified that she didn’t know what else to do. Not of Ruby and Ryden of course, but of this cult and of the person she was when she was scared. Hermes followed at her heels with one hopeful look back at the werewolves.

“Sure, okay, whatever.” Ryden shrugged, trailing after Maya with his hands stuffed into his pockets. “Ya gunna hang? I know where she hides her vodka.” Ryden threw that over his shoulder at Ruby.

Maybe it was cruel to have seemingly ruined Maya’s night. But it wasn’t as if the subject hadn’t been brought up. Offhandedly or not. And it was only concern for her friend that had moved Ruby to speak. “Course I am,” Ruby said, following the others.

#ryden bolt #Ruby Devereaux #all the beds I've made: chatzy

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