#I learned how to put photos side-by-side and I'm proud of myself

[no-name-publishing]

What Doesn't Kill you by Hanschen (@whatwememeintheshadows)

So so SO pleased with how this turned out. It's almost one-to-one how I imagined it in my head. If you're a fan of the WWDITS movie then this is a MUST read. Check under the cut for close-ups of the cover and typesetting!

My idea for this specific binding was to replicate the imagery of the peeling wallpaper inside the character's home. I did this by first painting gray paper (using acrylic ink and white tempera paint) to look like water-stained drywall, and then using the same acrylic ink mixture to stain the marigold paper. After I assembled the cover paper I used some coptic markers to finish coloring in the moldy areas and accentuate some of the 'discoloration' and running water.

Transferred the title using carbon transfer paper, used a paper towel to really smudge it out, then darkened it a bit with black acrylic ink. After that was just tearing up the marigold paper and arranging it over the 'drywall', just used wheat paste and put it under my press to dry as flat as possible. No shots of that though, I forgot lol. Anyway, the typesetting, complete with emails and journal entries and text messages:

Thank you so much to @whatwememeintheshadows for sharing this lovely piece of writing with us and for letting me bind you a copy.

[lightofraye]

Debunking Nonsense Against Jared

There's apparently some crap about Jared that is just absolute nonsense. Full of lies and bullshit.

It'd be one thing if people just didn't like him. It happens. Not everyone is likeable. You're not expected to like him. But don't pull up lies to explain why you don't like him. Especially when they've been debunked again and again and again.

1. The "racist" tattoo. Y'all, this is nonsense. It's been debunked over and over and over. It's not a racist tattoo. For one, it's lacking the logo of "Come and take it", which would make it a racist tattoo. But a lone star above a cannon does not a racist tattoo make.

Jared is a proud Texan. He also donates to many a charity and organization that help people, speaking out about them often. Not to mention, prior to pro-gun rights appropriating the symbol and logo, it stood for a proud history in Texas. Jared would've known.

So how about instead of focusing on a mere tattoo, come up with more proof that Jared is a racist? Hmm?

Besides, if you're mad at Jared's tattoo, are you then mad at Jensen's t-shirt, which did show the saying as well?

2. Fighting with fans online. Oh come on. Misha's done it. (Misha's done worse, in fact.) Danneel's done it. Jared doing it does not a bad person make. And I don't think he's done it in a long time.

And of course, people will go "Danneel was hitting back!" And? What's the difference? Jared was hitting back too. Danneel went a step farther most of the time, siccing her followers on them, threatening them with Clif, even ran crying to Clif because people were being "mean".

3. RE: Prequelgate. Give me a fucking break! Jared was right to be upset! He called and texted Jensen for hours before he gave up and responded to that tweet about The Winchesters announcement. Jensen also lied about not being allowed cellphones on The Boys set. When they weren't filming, they were allowed. (Of course they can't have their cellphones on their person during filming, unless it suited the scene!) Besides all that, Jared honestly didn't know about it! Kripke was even shocked when he learned Jared didn't know! Supernatural and its legacy is as much Jared's as it was Jensen's! The whole freakin' industry gave Jensen a massive side-eye for his unprofessional behavior. Kevin Smith, a man who has directed, written, and acted in the industry, thought it was uncool. Also, Jared wasn't drunk.

4. Supposed bully accusations. I'd need to see more of this to believe it, but outside of occasionally putting Misha in his bullshit place, I've never heard of Jared bullying anyone. Everyone he's worked with has sung his praises. The only one who hasn't is Misha and that's because Jared won't let Misha put him down. And in fact, has had to step in to stop Misha from torturing Jensen. So fuck off with your noise.

5. His fanbase. Is he now responsible for his fanbase? I never knew that. What about Misha's fanbase sending Jensen death threats for denouncing Destiel? Has Misha ever stopped that? What about AAs hoping for Jared to suicide after Walker was cancelled?

6. What about Genevieve? Oh come on! Do I like that Gen is featuring the kids a lot? Myself, no. But if Jared was truly bothered by it, I'm sure he would've spoken to Genevieve. And Gen isn't any different than many other mommy influencers. I'm not keen on exploiting the kids like that, but would you say the same about Danneel abruptly grabbing the kids at Wales Comic Con and dragging them out for a photo op? All because she had no one in line for her autographs and desperate for attention?

7. Jared's Hair. Apparently there are some claiming Jared had gotten hair plugs. My response to that is: So what? Misha's had plastic surgery (trust me, it's obvious--his eyes and clearly lip fillers). Danneel's had worse--her hair is fried, bad extensions, plastic surgery galore that has ruined her hair line because of facelifts, fillers, Botox, and breast implants (twice!). Jensen's likely had a bit of work too.

So. Fucking. What. About Jared's hair?

--

Come up with truthful reasons to hate Jared, hmm? Not bullshit.

[soundwave-macaque]

My personal queer adventure. Happy Pride!

For those who are uninterested, this is my story of how I became very queer. I yap a lot so tl;dr I'm an Aromantic Bisexual Demigirl who couldn't be more happy right now.

I am making this post in part to always remember this pride month (and specifically this day). Being queer has always been hard for me to do, growing up AMAB and surrounding myself mostly with people who judge highly for being outside the norm made me pretty convinced of some schools of thought that I currently find detestable.

Despite my struggles, finding people who accept me and learning how to allow myself to be queer has been a frankly bizarre and wonderful adventure. I wouldn't trade it for anything, even with how difficult it can be.

It was rather easy to come to the conclusion that I was Aromantic (for as long as I could remember I wasn't the biggest fan of romance) and not long after it became pretty apparent to me how attractive men can be, even if not in a romantic lens. What was really difficult was understanding what the fuck was going on with my gender identity.

It took a while for me to realize that I didn't like my assigned gender at birth. To be fair I still don't take as much issue with it as others like me do. That's probably why it was so easy to dismiss my feelings. "I hate how I look not because I'm experiencing gender dysphoria but because I'm ugly." You know, stuff like that. I felt for the longest time that I couldn't be a different gender because of how little I seemed to hate my assigned gender compared to what others said about there own gender. At the end of the day I was probably just in denial.

Things started to change when I was finally able to grow my hair out. Having long hair gave me something to actually like about myself that I didn't have before. Granted I just chalked this up to liking long hair, no implications of gender whatsoever! What was harder to deny was the way wearing dresses made me feel. One of my best friends was able to gift me one of their dresses. When I tried it on it was like I had finally woken up out of a nightmare. I actually liked what I looked like in the mirror. Liked it! Me! I looked at myself and thought "I look good"! That had never happened to me before.

Now of course this was not enough to make me consider my gender identity no no no I just liked dresses! That was totally cisgender (btw it can totally be cisgender all clothes are unisex if you try hard enough). What especially stopped this was showing this side of myself to my family. They didn't really understand. Some of them tried. Others didn't. It ended up putting a huge damper on my feelings around GNC dressing and really halted my exploration of this side of myself.

Unfortunately for those who very much did not want this outcome, my insatiable gender envy and dysphoria stopped for no mortal! I started to genuinely wish I was born with features that are more feminine. It got to the point where I had started doing research into how I could fake some feminine features. The big one being breasts. I felt like if I could get breasts it would cure a lot of my dysphoria. It was around this time I started to consider the label of demigirl. Mainly because I still don't really feel fully like a girl. I want to look like a girl and dress like a girl, but I'm not fully a girl. More and more research and time went into it and I decided to try out the label, see if things worked.

That leads us to today. In which I haven't fully completed operation fake titty, but I have something to base my feelings around. And oh my god, I love them. I realize that I do not have breasts, but seeing what looks like breasts on my body gave me so much euphoria that my brain finally full sent me into "oh shit, I'm not a man." and honestly, I don't know if I've ever felt better!

This is the only photo I'm proud enough of that has the fake breasts that I can be proud of right now, but I still wanted to share it. I can't put accurately into words how happy I am right now, but wow. This feels good. This pride month will always be special to me. Today will always be special to me. Because today was the day I finally found a piece of myself that I have felt missing for years. Happy Pride everyone. I hope yours are as good as mine is.

[fourseasonsfigs]

LV 1854

Following up yesterday's Shizuka is today's LV model Gong Jun!

I actually adore Louis Vuitton. Many, many, (many) years ago, when I got my first bonus check at work, I was so proud of myself that I bought myself a LV handbag. A ridiculous use of money, especially at that time, but I wanted to reward myself for working so hard with a fancy purse. I still have the handbag, and every time I look at it I remember how it felt to hold that check in my hands, and feel that sense of accomplishment and joy. I still love it as much as I did then, after all these years. So I can't tell you how delighted I was when Gong Jun became the ambassador for LV!

I'm not saying I necessarily like all their fashion looks, because I don't, but I don't think the point of high fashion is to necessarily like the looks. I think it's more about appreciating the artistry. Some outfits, I must admit, I am just too artistically impaired to appreciate. But put Junjun in LV, and suddenly my artistic appreciation goes way, way up.

The inspiration for this fig is Junjun's pics from one of his photo shoots for LV on his Weibo account on August 17 last year:

This is the exact inspiration pic for the fig! See how his leg is kicked up like that and his arm is alongside his crossbody bag?

I love those flowy white pants on him! Also a big fan of that crossbody bag, it seems a lot bigger and more functional than the one he was wearing at the concert. Which I love for obvious sentimental reasons, but it's the smallest and most impractical thing in the world. I can fit my phone and the world's tiniest wallet in it, and that's literally it. Well, and a lip balm, Junjun was right about that when he showed it off at the concert.

There is a LOT going on with this jacket. For fig comparison purposes, I tried to find this jacket on the US LV site, but was unable to. So I went to their China site, and found it! It is the Multi Patches Mixed Leather Varsity Blouson Jacket, for a cool 46,500 RMB (roughly $6,700 USD).

The patch saying LV 1854, the year the house was founded in France, is of course the name of this fig. Huh, wizards. Go figure!

And another 1854 patch on this sleeve! Two patches, I guess, if we count the #54. So much detail on this. Alright, on to the fig!

Ahhh he's so cute even all packaged up for traveling! His perfect little face, and the beauty mark on his ear right there.

Unfortunately, his cute little kicked-up foot pose means that he can't stand up at all, even for a single glamor shot. So on he went onto a standee. I don't typically like to do this, but I glued him down immediately. He's really heavy - that head of his is solid! My experience with heavy headed figs with any tilt to the side has been that the weight of the fig will topple them over. I have learned this the hard way as figs have gone careening down my display shelves! I was not going to risk his precious little self, so out came the glue, and he's not budging now.

Since this is a light colored outfit, I figured I'd put him on a non-white background for better contrast. Wow, his hair looks incredible from this angle! I love this hairstyle on him, and fig-wise it's perfect.

The detail here on his coat is fantastic. You can also see how his foot is totally lifted up there off the base - it's not resting on the fig stand at all.

Ah this is a good angle to see his foot kicked up too. He looks long and lean from this angle - definitely Junjun's proportions.

Again, really fantastic level of detail on the jacket here. It's hard to see all the patches clearly Junjun's photos, but if you scroll back and forth on the actual jacket photos you'll see this is an excellent rendering at this small of a scale.

You get a little bit of the flowy look of the pants here, while still preserving all the detail on his white and blue shoes. This fig maker does a phenomenal job!

Speaking of the shoes, this is a great angle for the detail on them.

Ahahaha, I see the wizards! And of course, instead of the name of the maison, we have Gong Jun's English name.

Here you definitely get the flowy lines of his pants, and please note the little fold line in his ear, so cute (wow, never in my life did I think I'd be commenting on a fig's ear fold, life really is stranger than fiction). His eyes are expressive and beautiful, and his hair is absolutely perfect! This is another great angle of those fancy shoes, too.

Here's a zoomed in pic of the front so you can see the really incredible level of detail.

I made sure to get a bottoms-up photo before I glued him on the standee!

The top down pic is not too exciting, I admit.

A+ box cards from this fig maker. Just like with yesterday's Shizuka card, she uses the actual background from the photo.

I can't believe I forgot to mention how much I love his rascally little quirked up smile there. My favorite! Junjun you cutie!

Thank you fig maker for literally listing out every piece of the inspiration for this fig on the box card! Even down to the time stamp. Amazing.

There wasn't any box art - these all came in plain white boxes, but no matter when the card art is this lovely.

Come back tomorrow to see the last fig in this series of releases!

Material: Resin

Fig Count: 346

Scene Count: 24

Rating: A varsity jacket has never looked so good!

[link back to Master Fig Index for more posts]

[belladonnix]

I've been making my boyfriend a custom jacket for Christmas and it's finally Finished!

I'm so hyped to finally be able to share this. He doesn't use Tumblr anymore so there's no risk of him seeing it but I've been working on this present for MONTHS! It cost me about £180 for all the materials for this jacket and I will never ever tell him - I don't want him to feel like he owes me anything or that this was about money at all. Luckily I have enough of some of the materials, like fabric ink and photopolymer, to use on dozens of other projects so it's not a huge loss of money.

The jacket itself cost me £10 second hand and I didn't anticipate spending so much on it but the more I fell in love with him the more I decided he deserved something he would love and treasure and hopefully that would remind him of how much I love him when he wears it.

So here it goes;

#1 - The Jacket

Got this faux fur removable collar, 100% denim jacket for about £10 second hand on eBay! Absolute bargain. I bought it before we got serious, probably in July or August, and was only gonna distress the denim a little originally. Maybe buy a few cheap band patches if I could find them. But as time went on and I fell in love with him, I decided it should be a lot more meaningful than that.

#2 - The Patches

It took me M O N T H S to accumulate the patches I wanted. I made a detailed list of all of his favourite bands and got to work. I was only able to secure 4 patches from the bands he loved - one of them being catfish and the bottlemen. This gave me a little trouble since Catfish haven't been active since the middle of last year and the patches on their merch shop hadn't restocked, but I was deadset on getting that patch. I found it on a redbubble clone and ordered it from overseas - the biggest issue was it came printed rather than embroidered, which is what I wanted for an authentic look, but it's on the smaller side so I figured it didn't matter too much and went ahead.

There was something missing though. A back patch, yeah, of course! I wanted to find the perfect back patch, something that would scream "HIM" as loud as possible. I'd already been playing with the idea of what I wanted but I went ahead and looked for a back patch of The Fool Tarot Card. Unfortunately, like catfish, all the patches I found of it were printed. For such a big patch it was important to me that it was as authentic as possible, so I reached out to someone and had my dream patch custom embroidered just for this project! It was the most expensive piece and without it the jacket would have been less than £100 worth of materials but alas, when it came I was starstruck. The level of detail he'd been able to attain was not unnoticed and I was proud to be able to put this on a present for someone I love.

Then there was the layout. I messed around with it a couple of times until I got it right but I was beyond happy with the composition and my absolutely flawless, somehow for once, sewing skills.

But there was something missing.. his favourite band of all time, I couldn't find any actually up-to-date or stylish patches for it but it was a must. I wanted to show him I truly pay attention, and there was one perfect solution for including it...

#3 - Screen Printing

That's right. I taught myself to SCREEN PRINT FROM SCRATCH FOR THIS! I learned how to make a frame, what materials to use, bought a good photopolymer and fabric ink (of which I have TONS left over) and took my sweet time making it. For transferring the design onto the screen I troubleshot a few different ideas; I couldn't find any plastic to print the design on, so I decided to just use the glass that came with the photo frame I used! We're resourceful in this house. Next getting the design onto the glass, I tried tracing with Sharpie and paint but I'm so impatient it just wasn't working for me. So I got the brilliant idea to painstakingly cut out the intricate design and PVA glue it onto the glass, since it dries clear it wouldn't affect the photopolymer! And it worked!

Oh what band was this for you ask? What band was so important to him that I spent hours stretching chiffon, cutting a design, curing polymer and scrubbing out the screen for?

My Chemical Romance, baby

After the screen finally dried from rinsing I did some test prints on an old pair of jeans, and it went so well I was ready to try it on the jacket!

Didn't go so well. There was a button I hadn't accounted for that made it impossible to print it on the pocket where I wanted it, so I tried just lower and it was a complete bust. I spent 15 minutes cleaning the ink out before retrying on the sleeve. The sleeve went a lot better, not exactly what I wanted but it's clear, visible and opaque.

Perfect. Now we just needed some final touches and it would be ready just in time for Christmas.

#4 - Final Touches

We're talkin' lil bits and bobs here. Nothing too extravagant but small embellishments that really make the piece what it is.

I'll start with pins. I only have 2 so far, maybe planning on getting him more for his birthday next year to add to the jacket, but these have just as much sentimental value as the rest.

Frank Carter and the Rattlesnakes, the pin was on sale and it's another one of his favourite bands! It was a must. The goose, goofy and silly but perfect as we'd played Untitled Goose Game together earlier this year as a sort-of date.

Adding a personal touch; the jacket was originally an ASOS piece, but I didn't like how the label looked in the back so I removed it, only to feel like it was too bare after. So I painted him a custom brand label using that fabric ink from earlier and scrap black cotton from my fabrics; sewed it in place and it was finally coming together.

Fixing up any damage; I found on the removable collar, while I was sewing the patches, that one of the elastic loops that held it in place had almost snapped and was hanging on by a thread, so I repaired that! I know it might never be noticed, but that's the funny thing about love isn't it? We do things that our loved ones might never notice just to make their lives a little better, a little easier.

I'm considering roughing up the edges of the seams with a scalpel, just to give it a more worn look. But knowing my Kyle, it'll have that look no problem by the middle of summer.

Conclusions

This was absolutely a journey. There was a lot of stress, but equally there was a lot of time, effort and love poured into this project. I can't imagine him not loving it based on that alone, not even considering the inclusion of his favourite things. If this gets a good reception I'll post a reaction when I give it to him on Tuesday.

I love this man so much, and I think I already know I've created something he will adore and cherish for years to come. And in years to come, assuming I'm still around, I'll be there to patch it, paint it and fix it however he wants, however our lives evolve together as inspiration. I'm as proud to have put work into this as I am to have put work into our relationship. All the tenderness, and care, and patience will be worth it.

And before you ask; Yes, my love language IS acts of service.

[dreamsinfiction]

A fresh start (aka first 3 months of 2024 recap)

I am starting blogging again! Not to say that I haven't been journalling cos I have (almost daily thanks to the Hobonichi heh) but it is nice to have an online repository for my thoughts and where I can put photos next to them.

So, okay let's get this mega recap out of the way. As a typical planner, I am going to divide it into parts:

Overall

Ngl, the first few months of 2024 has been hard but on hindsight I think necessary (I am a glass half full kind of person). Hard mainly because of work and some personal stuff which I will explain more down below.

All in all, I am much better mentally now! Life is both ups and downs - just need to remember that the downs don't last while I'm there.

Work

Work was a rollercoaster homg, and I feel like it's only in late Mar that I feel a bit more assured of myself and the imposter syndrome quieted down a bit.

Work things that happened recently:

Posted into MSF strategic comms - a Ministry which I've always wanted to be in because of the issues that it deals with and is quite personal to me, but also a new side of comms that I don't really have much experience in (slightly dabbled in it in MCI but this is a whole new ball game hurhur)

Felt quite depressed/down actually in the first few months because everything was so new, and I feel like this is the steepest learning curve I've had in all my postings. Commence the daily imposter syndrome where I am winging it every day (thankfully SR gave very comforting words on this; she actually seems to have it worse in her agency now, I wonder how I would have fared there since it was orignially my first choice haha)

Got thrown a lot of things my way which I have absolutely no clue about hahaha (crafting and presenting to SMT on an overall MSF strategic comms plan when I barely know half of what the division/depts acronyms are?? Helpz. Thankfully SMT was kind that one time I presented. We recently presented with another item (my colleague did the presentation) and they were not as kind huhu)

Have already stayed late at work my first 3 months into the job. It was close to 8.30pm I think and all because of a team lead that messed up my slides the day before the presentation ugh. Apparently, everyone she interacted with has some sort of horror story with the way she works lol.

Some positives! Got praised by 2 team leads for my presentation and a training course I facilitated heh (almost wanted to cry cos that was when I was in a dark hole huhu). Lunches with random colleagues (because CED is a large division) and actually getting along well :)

Finally went for Induction (6 months into the posting lol). It was the usual (this is my 3rd time participating in an Induction/Orientation so I roughly know what is planned), confusing at times (Amirah, Liyan and I couldn't stop laughing when HR talked about "Tops" and "Bottoms" - apparently it was for this organisational simulation exercise which is supposed to make us understand the role of everyone in an organisation from minions like me to SMT. The labels though hahaha. One good thing that came out of it was there was this cute guy in my group hahaha but I think he's a few years older (he said he had 10 years of working experience total?), unsure if he is married/attached tho.

Socials (aka fun stuff I've experienced)/family/friends:

a. Played badminton more regularly! Signed up for MSF's badminton club and ngl, the first day turning up for the session was hard hahaha I almost left when I was already at the stadium's bathroom changing into my sportswear. But am proud of myself for sticking to it and making friends across MSF.

b. Went for Coldplay with Sya and Tommy! First time seeing them in person despite being a long-term fan (Fix You, Clocks will always remind me of pushing through JC and the trauma of A Levels lol). They were so good live (how is this possible at their age) and I had so much fun! Bonus was definitely seeing hologram!Bangtan. I loved the TikTok that I made heh (sound currently muted since Universal Music is still sorting issues with TT)

c. Went on my first dating app date(s)! Met up with this guy who seemed quite nice online and he was during the first date. But then he started saying some weird shit which I couldn't stand for (I cannot with people who casually throw DV words out, especially after what I've been through -.-) So I chose to end things hurhur. I feel like I deserve a pat on the back since I now know a bit better what I am looking for in someone and what I absolutely detest hahaha.

d. Went for coffee barista class as part of division HLS! Fun to be making coffee (last I did was during Coffee Bean days heh) but clearly I can't make the artistic latte art lol.

e. Continued taking Korean classes! Class is turning out to be pretty difficult now with so many grammar to remember. The level of imbuhan in Korean is next level, even more than Malay hahaha. Then again, I still managed to ace my term test heh. Sejong is also exploring having Korean immersion classes this year and I hope I would be able to make it for the winter one (pls pray that I can ace the interview when it comes round in July heh)

f. Took self-care days / went for Jac's annual CNY gathering - some things don't change and I love that hehe. I also like how I now know when things are getting a bit too much for me so I would need at least a day off by myself :)

g. Decided on going to Korea end year with Jac (+R) and Sya! EXCITED. Firstly just to go Korea again lol. But also to be going around Jeju again (and driving! pls pray that I will get over my fear of parking hahaha)

h. Having F1 back in my life heh - New season started and so far, the Ferrari boys are doing so well (compared to the heartbreak I had week in week out last year lol). Hoping the podium streak continues since it's their last year together 💔

Spirituality

Not sure how this happened actually - like all years, I did make a resolution to try a bit more intentional with my religion and prayers and I guess this year....it has been happening? Maybe it has to do with turning another decade older but actually I've been thinking on this for a few years alr, like what is our purpose on this earth, can't be just having a 9-5, having a family, friends etc.

So I started being more intentional by going to books as shared by my bookstagram friends (heh of course) and actually learning a few things. Podcasts are also a great help since I listen to them on my 20-min walk to the MRT on WFO days.

I think learning more about the religion actually helped me climb out of the dark hole that I was in for a couple months. More inner peace, feeling more assured of myself because since I gave things my best effort then I should learn to let go and let Him play things out. Some days are harder than others still ngl. Taking my own pace on this and seeing how things go ❤️

Okay thanks for reading my yapping hahahaha I do hope to continue my monthly recaps and making it into a habit :)

[repo-net]

Month of Nagisa - I'm Still Me

(IT IS OCTOBER 23 AS I POST THIS. HAPPY NAGISA DAYYYY FOR 2022, HERE'S TO ANOTHER YEAR AND FOR HOPEFULLY HITTING 1000 NAGISAS IN MY ALBUM SOON)

Another 7pm evening where I sit down on a desk, a cup of ramen noodles on the side as I type at a computer for hours to search all across the internet for the notes and answers I need while I try to finish the thesis paper that got handed to me last minute.

Really, what was our professor thinking? Does he genuinely expect us to finish a four page paper before his class tomorrow morning? We're not lab rats who can pump out product after product at inhumane speeds. Not all of us, at least.

Look at me and my genius self though, complaining about how much I detest the work I've been given yet finishing it anyways. I haven't changed at all, have I? I guess some habits just never die, no matter how hard I try to put them away.

It's bizarre to think about in general... there's so many ways my life could've turned out differently. For better or for worse, really. But what can a man do about it other than just ponder of what could've gone right, and what could've gone wrong.

Yeesh, look at what's happened. I'm doing work on an ever-approaching deadline with absurd expectations. It's not as severe as it used to be, but it doesn't make me feel good either way. You're still outclassed in that department, Father. No one can touch you when it came to burdening me the way you did.

Burdens... it's safe to say I still carry far too many of them for my own good. It's not like I'm completely innocent either. I had far too many chances to do the right thing, and yet I stood idly by and let people get out of control and die. I lie awake at night thinking about whether what I did was just, and yet I remember the hollow gratification I felt when you two died.

... And I know. If there's one thing I would've wanted, it's that you would've loved me. I wanted to see you be proud of me more than anything else. But now... I feel like redemption for myself is a far-gone conclusion and isn't ever something I could really truly achieve in it's fullest capacity.

I look around me and notice the picture frame I have on my table. A group photo of me and the most important people in my life. Me, and four other kids in a classroom posing with one hand each from us forming a heart. It was childish, but we were kids back then, so why would I get mad about that?

Even if you four have wronged me at some point in my life in one way or another, I wouldn't have traded the experience and time I had with you all for anything in the world. I just wish for one of you... we could've ended on better terms. I don't mind if you hate or don't care about me, I just wish I could've had closure and told you that I think you still have a chance to turn things around.

Heh, I talk about redemption for myself a lot but you four have far more opportunities for it than I. Maybe the road'll be shaky at times, but I think you'll all get there. Doesn't matter to me if no one else believes in you, I always will. I learned with all of you that family wasn't connected by genetics nor name, but rather by bond and growth.

We all screwed up. Massively. Fought back against a world that wronged us, and innocents got hurt in the process. But there's still hope for you all... and if I'm still alive despite everything I've been through, from near-death experiences to the hell that my own blood put me through, then I might as well keep thinking there's hope for me too.

People are going to keep bringing my past up as I get older. And that's fine. I don't expect or need people to forget about what I did, or forgive me at all. I just want them to know that I'm not the same idiotic kid I was back then. The Nagisa Shingetsu that tried to repress himself for a hopeless goal is long gone, and what I am now is a Nagisa Shingetsu who's going to keep at it. Not for anyone else's expectations or satisfaction, but for myself.

I hadn't lost my heart. I just finally figured out to open up and listen to it. And that's all that matters now. I'm still me.

[defdaily]

‪[TRANSLATION] Arena Homme+ Magazine April 2021 Issue featuring JAY B

Translated by defdaily.

JAY B is free and starting again from scratch. That is what JAY B has in mind. GOT7’s leader announced that he would be leaving JYPE as the group stays together. JAY B is preparing to debut as a solo musician while planning to also release mixtapes and hold exhibitions as Def. We had a chat with JAY B, who has gained more freedom and strength, at the swimming pool about courage, depression, literature and aspirations.

Did you come here alone?

Yes. I took a taxi here. I was the type to go around freely even when I was in JYPE but catching the taxi to work this time around felt new.

All GOT7 members decided to leave JYP but stay together as a group. As a leader, you needed to make a decision, right?

Although we ended up leaving JYPE, we wanted to continue as GOT7. We all agreed to leave [JYPE] and try it between ourselves.The product made from me taking responsibility/taking charge was the single 'Encore’ that was released not too long ago. I was involved in the whole process with a new record label. I was happy to see a good response [to the single]. It was lacking in some areas but I was just very proud that we were able to show a different step. Since we showed through this single that “we did not disband”, what’s next is more important. When we left JYPE, Director Jung Wook mentioned "Your role as a leader starts now." I'm realizing it now.

”I wanted to learn everything about the process of releasing an album and how difficult it is. I wanted to start again from scratch.”

Your role as a leader actually starts now.

I used to find the role of a leader burdensome at times but now I feel a greater sense of responsibility. While supporting each person’s journey, I thought I needed to be the one to step up once we got back together. We also talk regularly in our group chat. Not long ago, Jackson went to China. When Mark went to the USA, I could see him off but when Jackson was leaving, we couldn’t be together because of a schedule. So I told him to have a safe flight, apologised for not being able to see him off and thanked him too. He replied saying he’ll take care and be back.

What motivated you to leave the large agency you've been working with for a long time?

The thought came to mind suddenly as we were promoting as GOT7. Am I taking all these benefits I get for granted? When a schedule is released I just do it, and when they ask me to confirm things I do, but what kind of long process has it gone through before it came to me? Who sends a request and how is it processed? Why am I only waiting until it reaches me and simply watching it unfold? I wanted to be directly involved in that process. I wanted to learn everything about the process of releasing an album and how difficult it is. I want to be humble and start from the bottom again.

Didn't you need the courage?

Of course I did. I was also afraid. My position has risen to all the way up here, but when it comes to my actual knowledge, I think I'm only down there. I was afraid that the difference would feel too big once I left the company. But I think I would have been more afraid if I stayed at JYPE. Since that difference would have grown bigger and bigger. My real self is here, so I should face it head-on a little faster. That's what I thought.

As JAY B or as Def. who releases mixtapes and holds exhibitions, you must have had the desire to do something new.

I want to do research and build it up step by step without haste. JAY B will show hip hop and RnB music that appeals to the general public and Def. will do activities that Def. wants to do. It could be mixtapes or exhibitions, or other different kinds of fictions. Def. is the nickname I used as a bboy before I became a trainee. It’s like air floating about freely. It could be house or soul or acoustic or even modern rock. In a way, you can say that Def. is close to my “main self” but since I debuted as JAY B, I’ll also show a devoted side of myself through JAY B. I want to be a person who can do both what he has to do and what he wants to do freely.

Listening to your mixtapes, and hearing that you like the styles of D’Angelo and Ray Charles, you seem to be attached to the Southern US rhythm and blues and soul music.

I do like them a lot. I like the entire hip-hop culture that originated from there. That culture also includes DJing, graffiti and even bboying. Since I started as a bboy, I would look up older videos to watch, study the culture and also look into what each dance move symbolizes, with my bboying crew and that's how I became fascinated. What captivated me the most was their obstinacy. I felt respect towards the conviction and obstinacy they carried with their culture.

Is that mood still incorporated in your music and dance?

Yes. For example, I don’t think choreography is dance. I think dancing is when music plays and you like the rhythm and start humming and bobbing your head and moving your body. I think dancing is a free act you do out of enjoyment.

What was the reason you joined an idol group after starting out as a bboy?

I gained an interest in music too, not just dancing. When I was young, I listened to D’Angelo’s music and wanted to become a singer like him. But I was rebellious when I first joined JYPE. Haha. I was even suspended for a month once as a trainee. I definitely said hello but they said I didn’t so they said "If you're going to be stubborn, then go home" and me with my young heart replied “Then I shall head home.” and left. Then I met up with my bboying crew after a long time, and in just a few months it turned into a different world. The crew members were above me and I was worried because I could feel myself far away by myself. Should I go back to bboying? Should I continue as a trainee? In the end, I wanted to do my very best in whatever I chose so I decided to focus on becoming a singer. Since I wanted to do music, it was a choice I made with no regrets.

You started as a dancer and ended up as a main vocalist. What was music to you back then?

It was a challenge. Trainees are divided into singing and dancing. I joined as a dancer but what I wanted to do was become a singer and not just do dance. But since I was put into the dancing division, I worked even harder with singing to break that prejudice. I often felt defeated. I still feel defeated with singing. Haha. But music is about endless research. Now it’s more about research than studying.

You grew up as an only child to your parents who did farming?

I was an ordinary kid. I enjoyed Haruki’s Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki and His Years of Pilgrimage and thought the “colourless” kid was just like me. I was a calm kid who helped his parents with their farm work. I don’t know if it’s because I don’t have any older siblings but they said I used to talk to myself a lot. My mother said there was a way she would know if I was home or not. If I was home, she would hear me talk to myself and be like “Oh really?” “Yes really” haha.

It’s extraordinary to read Haruki at that age.

There was an older friend that I knew and he was really cool. He looked really cool reading on the bus with his legs crossed. He said “Hey, Read a book and build up some knowledge.” As I was trying to be cool like him, I gained a favourite author and started reading more since I enjoyed it.

What kind of books do you like?

When I was a teenager I often read Kafka On The Shore. It felt like Kafka was just like me, and so while reading it, I even cried. The style of Murakami Radio was also interesting. The ending phrase “But I like that more…” was very witty. I’m collecting books from secondhand bookstores from authors who won the Young Author awards. I like Lee Jang-wook's short story Byeon Hee-bong. The main character knows the actor Byun Hee-bong, but the world doesn't know him. He would ask "Don't you know Byun Hee-bong from the movie The Host?" But no one knows. I like stories that don’t intend to be funny but they end up making me giggle.

What do you read these days?

I try to read poetry. I purchased and read the first volume that appeared on Moonji’s Poetry Collection, but it has too many Hanja characters. Haha. I started with Munhwak’s Poetry Collection. I have volumes 1 to 85. I also read poet Park Joon's collection of poems and poet Lee Eun-gyu's Affectionate Name. I even underlined and wrote things down.

Among the idols and musicians I’ve met, I think you are the most extensive reader.

We went on tours often and we would have a lot of time in my hotel room. When I went out I took pictures and when I stayed in my hotel room I read books. When I go on an overseas tour, I pack around 30 books in my suitcase. Then I bring back the books that left an impression on me, and those that didn’t sometimes I dispose of them there. These days, I look for independent publications too. I often look for independent publishing bookstores in Nakseongdae or Haebangchon. There are many books that contain honest stories that are not refined, and the power of those sentences is great.

How does reading influence your work?

The poetic expressions with poetic license help when writing lyrics. You read a new sentence and think “What is this expressing?” You receive inspiration from that image being expressed in a new way. I think of lyrics as poetry too. There are times I write how I feel honestly, but when I want to include a certain meaning I’d want to write the lyrics like poetry.

In your photo exhibition <ALONE> last year, you took pictures of objects and signs in the middle of the road.

Wouldn't it feel very lonely if you think about it from an object’s point of view? The camera captures just an instance but the object will stay there. I think each person has an insatiable loneliness. I like the artist Seonglib’s works, and I feel loneliness in his drawings. I don't know why I keep talking about loneliness, I guess I’m familiar with loneliness.

Seems like you take more pictures of objects and landscapes than people.

I don’t really like taking pictures of people. You can clearly see a person’s emotions in their eyes. I prefer hiding things rather than revealing them too much. I prefer objects, backgrounds, and natural objects rather than subjects that openly express 'It's me!'. Tranquil things, I like when you go past something and go “that’s how it was.” I try my best since my job requires being presented to people but that’s also how I am.

Who do you like as a movie director?

I like Woody Allen’s directing. My favourite is Match Point. It's a love story that goes beyond taboos, and it's electrifying. The face of the actor who secretly asks the reunited lover to give him her number remains in my memory for a long time. How could he direct such a real-looking, raw look in their eyes? When I was a theater and film major, I used to take directing classes rather than acting. If I were to direct a film, I would like to shoot an eccentric witty romantic comedy like Love Fiction directed by Jeon Gye-soo.

Are you self-conscious as an artist?

I’m interested in a variety of genres, and interact with crews often, but I think goofing off just because they are an artist is an arrogant attitude. Everyone is their own artist, no matter what they do, right? I'm not trying to be pretentious, I just think there's a difference in expression, and people who work in the office are also doing their own art. That’s why I’m a little shy about the title “artist.” Is there a need to be puffed up with pride because I’m an artist? I’m just a person.

While filming for “What's in my bag” and revealed your medications for depression and panic disorder. When did you face your depression?

I didn’t know I had depression. I thought I was being weak for a short while and let it pass. But on an occasion I got examined and found out I had depression. They asked how I lived by without going to the psychiatrist. I said I just thought I was the type to feel blue. Haha. I’m the type that doesn’t show [what is wrong] but they said I was in a state where I needed treatment. After going to counselling and taking medications, I’m much better now.

“I just wanted to talk about it. It may not show, but depression is both a common and dangerous illness.”

I think you’re cool for having the courage to talk about this.

I got diagnosed and looked at the people around me. There are friends who are ashamed of it and try to hide it, and there are friends who talk about it as if it’s insignificant. I just wanted to talk about it. It may not show, but it’s both a common and dangerous illness. A mental illness is an illness too. Among my fans, or those who read this interview, if there is someone who feels depressed, don’t be ashamed of it and I hope you receive treatment and overcome it. It’s not an embarrassing thing and it doesn’t need to be hidden. And I was filming content where I show what’s inside my bag; I can’t lie. I wish everyone would be healthy.

Are you bad at lying?

Yes. If I have to tell a lie, I think it’s just better to not say anything. Since I’m the type that’s honest and straightforward, I also don’t like beating around the bush.

Can you share a way one can take a step forward towards recovering from depression?

Look at the world in a broad view. Know that there are many places you haven’t been to yet and there are many things you haven’t felt yet. It's also good to take a walk and go off your usual route and take a path you've never been on. Small adventures can also be of great help. Just by leaving the house you’re already halfway there. I think there are more ways you can refresh yourself outside rather than inside. Also, I thought I was an honest person but after being diagnosed with depression, I thought I should be more honest with myself and more faithful to myself. At times like this, think of yourself before others.

What do you believe in?

I just believe in god. I don’t have a religion. I don’t know what kind of existence god is but I do believe that there is a god. When I’m thankful or am having a hard time, I pray. “Thank you.” “Please let me get through this wisely.”

What is the greatest motivation that moves you?

As long as I’m alive, I want to continue doing work that will leave a message. I believe that there is no next life. I think I should live this time diligently to the fullest. To have no regrets.

Translated by defdaily.

[lucifer-is-a-bag-of-dicks]

so I just learned that my great grandmother was an Aboriginal/Islander woman, like not white passing either, somebody in the family has discovered a photo of a woman who has been positively identified to be my grandfather's mother, and even in black and white she is very much very obviously very indigenous

my grandfather doesn't take after her at all, he's all Scottish like his father, and she either died before my mum and her siblings could meet her or when they were too young to remember

the reason that this is such a big deal to my family is that my grandfather had never mentioned it, and my grandmother would swear up down and sideways that her mother in law was not black if her ethnicity was ever brought up, which apparently it had been by I presume some other older members of the extended family who had met her before

my mum and her siblings never knew why there was a rumour that she was a black woman, any time they asked my grandmother she wouldn't shed any light on the situation, she would just continue to insist until she was blue in the face that she was absolutely NOT Aboriginal or Islander, and my grandfather would just say nothing on the matter at all

finally having evidence has kinda put a real spotlight on my grandma, now we know the reason she was so defensive was because she knew damn well that her mother in law was a black woman, and she chose to hide that from us, presumably out of shame if I had to guess

I don't know if any of my family has called her out on it yet or even shown her the photo, but I can't imagine anyone's particularly keen to be the one to do it, it would probably be a hell of a confrontation, I know my mum would kill me if I did it (I'm not very good at being diplomatic with this kind of thing and that side of the family is volatile)

I love my grandma, I have spent a lot of time with her growing up, she's always been wonderful to me, but like many grandparents I always knew she had the touch of old folk racism in her, she is an adamant defender of being able to use the N word however she likes despite all of our attempts to educate her

but I always sort of assumed that that was where it ended, that she wasn't really racist, she was just old fashioned, maybe assumed isn't the right word, hoped might be more accurate

so finding out that she kept a huge part of our family heritage a secret out of shame, a heritage that wasn't even hers, it's got us all a bit shaken, does my grandad feel ashamed? did she make him feel ashamed?

it sits in stark contrast to my dad's side of the family, who have bent over backwards to track our family tree and all know the exact name of my grandpa's one very distant aboriginal ancestor, he was a good few generations away but they're all proud to know his name, even if that's all they know

if we'd known about our great grandmother we could have learned a lot more about our family tree, gotten in touch with our indigenous heritage, we might have even known who our tribe was or what language they spoke

I would love to look into it now, but since I was never raised to feel like I belonged with that community, I wouldn't know where to start, I would feel out of place, I don't look indigenous at all, I don't feel indigenous at all, I don't feel like it's okay for me to claim my heritage since I was never raised in it and I don't even look like I belong there, I wonder if that would have been different if I had known from the start

I want to know more about my family history and culture, but I don't know how to do it without being disrespectful, without feeling like I'm pushing myself into somewhere I don't belong

I don't know if I will ever learn more about her side of the family, I don't know if my grandad will ever talk about her, and even if he wanted to my grandma probably wouldn't let him

it's disappointing to know that her racism was that deeply rooted, that it didn't just stop at the N word, it was probably naive to ever think it did

[jiminsproof]

alike with my idol🌛

(tagged by @mintsugarr and @cosyserendipity!! thank you, i enjoyed reading yours so much!! elena buying children books and sonja keeping photos and tickets legit made me so emotional, you two are genuinely so sweet and i'm sending you a big hug.🥺)

The goal here is to think of one of your idols and chose the idol whom you share the most similarities with. It's not the "oh we share the same birthday, favourite colour, same age..", you know? You gotta think deeper than that hehehe.

listen, figuring it out was DIFFICULT. i frankly have no idea who i am most like cause there is no way for me to be objective about it. i know the most about bts, so i knew it had to be one of them. HENCEFORTH I THINK that i share a few traits with jk.

pardon me for going quite deep with this, using my psychologist card as a reason for rambling this time! also, of course, this is my interpretation of jk's behaviour and words - he might be a completely different person, or you can have a different opinion than me.

competitive, loves a good challenge: well, it is clear as a day that jk is a very ambitious person. it can be actually said about all members of bts but in terms of jk, i feel like his enjoyment of challenges goes even slightly deeper, to the point where the hardest choreo like 'on', which puts him under considerable strain, is actually his favourite. i can absolutely relate to that. i genuinely enjoy doing things that are seen as difficult or hardly possible, and my life is basically doing a crazy amount of objectively difficult things in order to feel the challenge, otherwise i'm bored and uneasy.

hard time focusing on things that are not within the range of their interests: when jk said during his interview that he can't focus on things he doesn't like, i felt that. despite always being deemed as the 'gifted' kid who was supposed to become a lawyer, i actually quit after one year of doing a law MA because i absolutely loathed everything about it.

was a shy kid and still gets shy sometimes: lmao, you know the compilations of jk trying to avoid giving a speech like it's the plague? i feel like that often, too. i still prefer to pretend i do not see an acquintance than do small talk tbh, though my confidence soars quite high nowadays.

had to grow up fast: when yoongi said in one of the interviews that he felt sad for jk because he had to grow up very fast and at first didn't really know who he was, i felt that. it must have been tremendously difficult for him to go through puberty in the spotlight, and i am so in awe that he turned out to be such a well-mannered, thoughtful person. in terms of myself: my younger sister once told me that she is very grateful that i have been a parent to her, and i think it sums up nicely what kind of a child and teenager i was, as she was born when i was 10. before now, i could not really be a child, and i'm very happy to be discovering this side of myself.

goes against the rules/social constructs: in terms of jk, i am thinking about his beautiful body art and piercings, as well as wearing genderless clothes (what an icon). and he does both in a very conservative society!! in terms of myself, i wear clothes that are men's and women's wear because gender is fake. i'm also out and proud about my bisexuality, despite living in a homophobic society.

self-proclaimed romantic: my bro believes in fate, loves romantic movies and songs about love, wants to have a very public beautiful kiss with picking up his SO before he dies. sadly, i get it.

feels strongly for the ones they care about, sensitive, cries easily: play a sad movie and this is it for both jk and me! all jokes aside, i am always in awe about how thoughtful jk is, how much he feels for his hyungs (and army), how he tries to help them (even the fact that he is learning english to help namjoon - wow). though it seems to me that he is the least physically affectionate out of the maknae line (which, lol, is not difficult, since jm and tae are basically PDA in a human form), his care is very easily noticeable. i especially can relate to the fact that he seems all tough on the outside, with his black clothes, piercings, tattoos but on the inside... softie.😌

tagging the lovely (but please don't feel pressured, this IS very personal, i know): @tinyhope, @clutterbugs, @kimchokejin, @mutedstring, and anyone else who wants to do this!💜

[aclosetfan]

Part 2: For some strange reason, I feel a sudden case of Deja vu, ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ MsButterFingers has two fics and both made me cry so... for you. :) And lastly, "The notion of Loss" & "Paper Hearts" by Gold Scribbles. Paper hearts is the cutest Blues fic ever.Switching over to questioning you about anything and everything, tell us more about your fake dating au and plans!! And that is it. I hope you do well and hope you haven't read at least one of these fics so I can feel so proud of myself.! :)

Oh no! Idk if there was a part 1 to this ask but I never received it :(

I'll have to look up MsButterFingers. Idk if i've read anything by them yet, and that's pretty wild cause I've read a lot!! I love when fics make me emotional~ can't wait!

AND AHH OMG okay okay okay the Notion of Loss by Gold Scribbles is my fave fic like ever!!!!!! I love it, which is a big deal given how prominent the reds are in that fic because usually I stray from that pairing but ugh the author just fucking NAILS it. If i could ever write anything half as good I'd die happy fr fr

I rec that fic to everyone!! I left a review for it on ffn and the author actually replied, and I about died and went to heaven. It was like meeting a celebrity. I love all their work, but I don't think they update their profile much anymore :( so happy you mentioned them! FEEL PROUD OF YOURSELF YOU'VE READ ONE OF THE BEST AHHH! The greens in that story *killed* me and Boomer's characterization??? So good.

Fake dating au updates under the cut!

i don't have much of an update :( it's still just an outline, but here are some fun facts b/c i really can't wait to write this one

1) I love the idea of Buttercup in her "boyfriends" oversized sweaters, so that's featured heavily

2) I'm actually excited to write Blossom in this one. I'm portraying her as the stoic "doesn't emote often" character--like cool nerd, not the overachiever I usually write her as. I think I'm going for "burnt-out prodigy" lmao. Outside of that, I really don't have any plans for her. Bubbles is featured more prominently then she is.

3) i like making the greens huge dorks who go to great lengths to cover up their dorkiness. This story, as opposed to Buttercrush, shows more of Butch's dorky side. The whole point is the two greens finally get to see each other in a light that rumors/stereotypes/popular media doesn’t portray the other as.

So, Buttercup is the "stone-cold bitch one", but in reality, she's a very passionate and excitable young superheroine (who's overly competitive). She's just a little socially awkward and shy, is all, but she's always determined to help a person in need. She's also the youngest member of Townsville's only superbeing roller derby league (because in canon, the girls aren't the only people with superpowers and I've decided there's probably enough super-people to have super-people sports leagues)

Butch is the "promiscuous bad boy," but in reality he spends his weekends either camping/back-packing or building incredibly nerdy military models. I'm making Butch the Townsville version of an eagle scout BUT because he was "evil" (at one point) HIM had put him in Demon Scouts to meet like-minded children. Demon Scouts is just Boy Scouts, where they learn how to tie knots and match car derbies, but with 10x more blood rituals/sacrifices. (Imagine the delight BC will have finding the fam photos with little butchie in his little demon scout uniform, I'm crying it's so cute).

Butch doesn't mind too much that people think he's a whore, but it bugs Buttercup because she doesn't think it's fair to Butch

In line with Boy Scouts, I just found out in one of the ppg comics the girls were in "Muffin Scouts" and Buttercup only joined so she could eat the cookies, so i'll definitely be using that to my advantage.

4) All of the above is important because a major turning point in the story is Buttercup getting fed up with people assuming things about Butch, her, and their supposed relationship. Everyone thinks they'll break up because she's a "bitch" and he's a "whore," and she's like DAMMIT Butch I know we said we'd fake break-up today!!!! But they can't treat us like this!!!! We'll show them we're the best couple in the whole damn school by becoming Prom Queen and King

and Butch is like lol yeah ok--wait, what are we doing??

5) LOL I can't wait for Buttercup to "meet" Butch's parents. I don't plan on having HIM in this story, just Mojo. But Mojo being like what is she doing on my couch, in my living room, where I live??? Causally?? And Butch is like oh lmao yeah, sorry dad, this is my girlfriend Buttercup. You've met before, right??

And Buttercup--who's funny and a good sport, and love, love, loves fucking with mojo--is like oh lol sup mojo, absolutely love what you've done with the place, haha, anyway I'm boning the fuck out of your boy.

And Brick, Boomer, and Butch (b/c he kind of forgets for a second she's talking about him) are just like 🤣🤣AHHHHHH🤣🤣🤣 YEAH SHE IS

and mojo just straight up dies.

[madampianoo]

Hey guys 💖 Here's Zlatans latest FULL interview with France Football. Hope you guys enjoy it as much as I did. This was such tasty appetiser before tomorrows main course meal match and start of his new season.

P.S. Please excuse english, it was google translated

Have you ever found your stolen Fido Dido ?

"Not. They stole it and I never saw it again. But maybe it was cosmic justice for all the bikes I stole. It's a pity, it was my favorite bike ... "

If you could find the one who stole it from you now, what would you do to it?

"I would buy him a new one and take mine back."

You devoted a lot of space to that story in your autobiography. Was it a turning point in your life to move from the role of victim to the other side?

"No. I was young and stupid. I did all sorts of things to survive. I needed a bike to ride here and there. When they stole my bike, I started stealing them from others. I did it solely for the reason that I could not afford to buy others. I know it's not a positive story ... But things like that are done to move forward in life, right? ”

What would you steal from football today if you could and give it to little Zlatan ?

"Nothing. I would just tell him to be more patient. And that his hard work will return one day. I worked hard, but I didn’t have the patience. I wanted everything now. "

How did you learn to be patient?

"It's very difficult when you're young. But when you have the experience I have now, learn what patience is. But when you are young and wild, full of various ideas and energy, when you want to discover the whole world and learn everything at once, then it is not easy to be patient. You need to be surrounded by people who have experience, who will calm you down and who will tell you the truth. "

What will be left behind Zlatan Ibrahimovic when he finishes his career?

"I do not know. Something will remain ... If something remains, it means I did a good job. Maybe some of my ideas and thoughts will remain from everything. That you should believe in yourself, that you should have your own personality and that you should not refrain from saying something you think. "

Did you make mistakes?

"I make mistakes every day. I am making a mistake now that I am talking about your newspaper. "

Maybe we're making a mistake talking to you too ...

"I'm kidding ... Mistakes are normal, we make them every day and they help us to be better people. "No one is perfect."

What are you most proud of?

"Everything I did. I come from a place where everyone condemned me and told me that something was impossible. I was constantly told that I was not good enough. And I'm still here. I stand still in my football boots. At 39 years old. And I'm proud of that. "

Could you have done more than this?

"It can always be more and better. It's a question of mentality. "

Even you?

"Every person can do better and more. In my head I always aim for the maximum and I am always convinced that I have given the maximum. Could I have done better, that can be discussed ... "    

Do you ever get tired of the attention of the public, journalists, fans, everyone's opinions?

"It's all part of my job. I didn't choose it that way. When you are as good as me, that is inevitable and must be accepted. "

How do you comment on the claims of some that you are a great player in small games?

"Everyone has the right to an opinion and to express it."

Did that bother you when you were younger?

"Not. I used it as a propellant to be as good as possible. I was motivated by such stories. I went forward and looked to never be satisfied. I received all these criticisms in such a way as to ignite the fire in my heart and to extract additional energy from them. "

What do you regret?

"It simply came to our notice then. Do you really think that I would be a better football player if I won all the trophies? "

Not. Even the Brazilian Ronaldo did not win everything ...

"Exactly. Of course, it would be wonderful if I won everything. But that doesn't make me a weaker or better footballer. I like guys who say to me: 'Zlatan, you didn't win the World Cup, you're not a good player'. Okay ... But it's easier to win the World Cup when you're French than when you're Swedish. Let's go back to the Champions League. The longer you wait for it, the sweeter it is. I still have a goal to win it. I won everything but her in club football. But I won't quack even if I don't win it because I've already done a lot more than most footballers. I'm a happy man. "

You didn't even win the Golden Ball. Does Zlatan miss the Golden Ball or does the Golden Ball miss Zlatan ?

"I think they miss me there on that list of conquerors."

You finished in fourth place in terms of the number of votes in 2013, and that is your best ranking. Is it weird that you didn't win it?

"You see, every player wants a trophy that tells him he is the best in the world. Deep down, I think I'm the best in the world. It would be prestigious if I won it, but it is the voters who decide. You journalists are voting and you know why I didn't win it! Ha-ha-ha ... ”

Well, it's not just us from France, there are also journalists from all over the world ...

"A-ha-ha!"

Messi and Ronaldo have won it several times. What do they have that you don't have?

"If you talk about essential qualities, I have nothing less than them. If you look at the trophies, I didn't win the Champions League like them ... But I really don't know how you measure and calculate that. Nor am I obsessed with it. You see, when you do good collective things, then individual rewards are a consequence of that. An individual cannot be good if the collective is weak. "

Where do you see yourself in the history of football? If there was a table, where would you put yourself?

"What do you want me to answer you?"

Who would be next to you on that table?

"It is not relevant to compare players from different eras. Everyone played in their generation, with different teammates. These are difficult things to compare. Everyone has their own story, and mine is full of problems. "

Does your personality set you apart in the world of football?

"I am just what I am. People try hard to be ideal to others. I always say ‘Be what you are and that is perfection’. I will not change because of success. For no reason will I change. Whatever happens, I will be what I am. I just want to play my game and have my team win. The rest will come of its own accord. I didn't choose to be famous. It's just a consequence of the work I do. "

We thought about jumping out of the pattern and what you're doing on the field.

"But it's all connected to the field. People talk a lot off the field today. But if you're not good on the field, and you talk a lot, then you're just a clown. "

Are there many clowns in the world of football?

"As much as you want ... A bunch!"

You consider yourself ideal in your head because you are what you are. How do you know this is right?

"I don't want to be perfect to someone else by force and talk about how I don't make mistakes. Maybe all this is a mistake. But I will remain what I am. I don't want you to send me questions before the interview, I don't want to know what you're going to ask me, I don't care. Readers will judge us whether the interview is good or not. "

When you left Paris Saint-Germain, you said, 'I came like a lion, I leave like a king . ' Do you really care so much about being remembered?

"I wrote my story in Paris and left my motto. Now let someone else write it and leave your motto. I don’t try to make people remember me by what I say. He will remember me on the field and what I did there. "

Are you arrogant or pretentious?

"I'm just a man full of confidence."

Does it matter to you that they recognize you as special?

"I am not special. I am a normal guy and a professional. I don’t want to share my whole life with the rest of the world. I'm not an instagram clown who wakes up in the morning and thinks what is the most beautiful photo for him to post. I share my professional challenges with the rest of the world. Privacy must exist. I don't want to share it either. But I want to share some parts of my professional life because it's part of my job. "

Do you deliberately block the fragility and insecurity from your childhood with your behavior, when the fierce guys in your Rosengard called you "lukewarm"?

"No. And I have a part of the personality that is fragile. I have emotions and weaknesses. There are things that hurt me. It's all natural. I'm not the Hulk, I'm not Superman, nor have I ever wanted to play them. I had difficult moments that hardened me, but I stepped forward. Today, I am no longer a guy of 20 or 25, but a family man with two children. I think differently, but my character has remained the same. "

Are you still a fierce guy at 40?

"People, is it possible that you still consider me a football gangster?" I know you had that title and some picture ... I'm no gangster. Of course I'm still a strong guy. I am almost two meters tall and I train hard and work on myself every day. I'm not someone who lies on the beach and shows muscles. I was born like this and I try to adapt the game to my constitution. I'm not as fast as I was at the age of 25, but now I have some other qualities. "

Does that mean you're a good guy?

"Yes I am. When you meet me, you will see how much heart I have. When they don't know me, people hate me. "

Do you want to be loved by everyone?

"No. I just want to be respected when I do something good. In fact, what is the love of all? There can be no love from someone I don't even know. Love is something reserved for those closest to you. Take Inter fans for example. When I was with them, they loved me. Now they hate me. This means that love has never been as real as with loved ones. Love cannot arise and disappear so quickly. I'm not one of those guys who will organize humanitarian actions just for someone to tell them: 'Wow, he's a good guy!'. It's a 'fake'. I'm going to do something because I want to do it. And not because someone would like me. I do it with my heart, some do it with my brain. If I send money to hospitals, it doesn't have to be known. I'm doing this because they really need that money with this damn crown. And I will not brag publicly. "

Is that one of the worst things in football today?

"It's simply part of football. People want to have perfect images. But in the end, they will meet reality. Everything will be known. Look at Tiger Woods. It seemed to be the most perfect character in the world ... People, just be what you are and don't try to be someone else. Don’t manipulate because it will all come back to you. No filters! ”

When you learned the Swedish national anthem, did you do it from the heart, not to be loved in your own country?

"When I was little, I didn't feel like a Swede. My parents are from Bosnia and Croatia. They influenced me to feel different, to look at me differently, to judge me differently and to treat me differently. That's why I didn't feel 100 percent Swedish. But today I am 100 percent Swedish. Even in France today, many talk about some old France and old times. The world today is full of various mixes and contrasts. And it doesn’t mean you’re not 100 percent Swedish or French if you accept that world. When you are young, you do not understand some things. It is mentally difficult when you are treated differently as a child. People think that it will pass quickly, and they do not know that the consequences remain for years. I was always in favor of getting the strongest blow at once because the pain lasts less than being constantly harassed with small and vile blows. Constant harassment leaves longer traumas. But those people who are harassing do not know that they are backward and live in the old world while we pass in front of them with the new world. It is a world of open minds in which I am Swedish and in which my children are Swedes. "

Do you still think differently from LeBron James, with whom you used to be friends?

"I do not want to enter politics because it divides people. Football unites people. I was lucky to meet people I would never have met without football. From all over the world. "Sport and politics are two different worlds and I am glad to be in the former."

But it happens that you express an attitude that has to do with politics.

"We athletes spread love and joy. I'm good at it and I know how to do it. You will not bring politics into my world. "

What are your fears and anxieties?

"With this corona situation, the world has changed completely. The situation is improving a bit, but ... The other day I went out to a restaurant with my family. It was weird. Then cam video audience in stadiums. And that was weird to me. I got used to it and I only wanted one thing: To go home ?! I'm used to the house, the masks ... It won't be easy to come back mentally. I hope that everything will be the same as before, but I am afraid that this will leave consequences on people. "

When you became a parent, did your children bring fears?

"There is no room for fear when we talk about children. We can talk about weaknesses. When you have children, they become your weakness. Then your life is no longer in your hands but in theirs. They become the most important ... Guys, we missed the interview date! I won't give you any more! I'm too expensive to tell you so much, ha-ha-ha ... "

How expensive are you?

"A lot ... Ask PSG!"

Can I have another five, ten minutes?

"Come on."

We would like to ask you about retirement. Are you afraid to stop playing football?

"A little bit. It is difficult for every football player when he has to retire. You have been programmed throughout your career. It is known when you get up, have breakfast, train, have lunch, rest, have dinner ... Someone else takes care of everything, it's just yours to press the 'repeat' button every day. The first day you wake up at the end of your playing career, you ask yourself, 'What the hell am I going to do today?' You are no longer programmed and you do not know what to do. That scares me a little. But what should I do? Luckily, I don’t think about it yet. I'm not for retirement. "

We in France call it the ‘little death’.

"That's it! Absolutely! After a lot depends on what kind of person you are. How will you cope and how will you fight. It's not easy".

But isn't that some kind of relief? You can eat and drink whatever you want

"After my playing career, I want to disappear. When you are in this world like me for so long and you know what you have been through physically and mentally, you just need to disappear and enjoy life

[giulsherondale]

"I will never give up on her."

Serkan is really changing and for the first time fighting for the one he loves the most. I'm so proud of him.

Serkan telling Engin that this is the last day of Eda at the office so he has to find an excuse because Serkan needs to spend the most time possible with her. This gave me episode 11 vibes✨

Serkan didn't listen a word during the meeting because he was so afraid that Eda would leave him again. My poor babe is so in love that he doesn't know how to handle it.

"Eda is more important to me now."

The proof that Serkan is changing pt. 2.

Eda takes out the meter to misure that Serkan is at least one meter from her. This was so funny. And he ask her if she feels safe now that she knows that there is one meter of distance.

Serkan asking Leyla if she can put the ring in Eda's pocket. I think that the ring represents Serkan's hope in the relationship. I love Serkan and Leyla relationship, he's the only one to notice the ring on her finger, and when she tells him that she's engaged to Erdem (the one that he doesn't love😂) he's worried about her, his face say oh come on you can have someone better than him. He even tells her that they would talk about this engagement. He cares so much about Leyla.

Serkan wants to open a case against the paparazzi not because of his imagine or reputation, but because this upset Eda and made her faint, because is so worried about her. And he ask Ceren not to tell Eda because he doesn't want that she thinks that he's interfering in her life. The proof that Serkan is changing pt. 3

"What do I need to do to make you stay?"

"Nothing."

"Say whatever you want. What can I do to make you stay?"

"Serkan, you're so unbalanced towards me that I no longer know what to think."

"Don't go away... Don't go away."

"Serkan..."

"Didn't you tell me to say 'don't go' if I didn't want you to go... So now I'm telling you not to go away."

"Why? To get even more disappointed?"

"There will be no more disappointments. I promise you."

"Look... Every time I believe you, every time... Breaking the promise that I made to myself. But this time I won't. This time I gave my word to my aunt, I will stay away from you. And I will keep my word."

Episode 11 vibes in this scene. I get why Eda behave like that, I would have done the same, but I feel so sorry for Serkan. When he finally has the courage to say 'don't go' Eda doesn't believe him anymore.

The whole scene when Serkan see the photographer and Eda talk his jealously is over the moon. He even ask to Engin to say something just to be near them so he can hear what are they saying. And when Engin told him that he wants to marry Piril and have 7-8 babies Serkan says that he approves, like an old brother. Their friendship is so special.

Serkan showing up at the photoshoot... Oh God he's so jealous. I love the fact that Serkan has still and effect on Eda and he knows it. She more than once ask him not to look at her.

"The woman you called an angel, Eda... Is my girlfriend. We're not just dating, we are a couple. She is the woman of my life. And I'm everything in her life. So no hamburgers. You understood me. Cancel. Now."

His smug and proud face make me laugh so much. He's so jealous.

"How can you still call us engaged?"

"Yes, it might not be real, but..."

"But?"

"We fell in love with each other. Now will you give up our love?"

"And then deception, disappointment, lies..."

"I only deceived you only once, and in order not to upset you."

"But it doesn't work that way. You can't destroy a relationship and then stick it together."

"You're right. There's only one important thing..."

"Which one?"

"You. Eda, everything can work out. Everything. Let me settle this."

"What are you still talking about? What are you talking about after last night? You made me wait for you for hours, do you know?"

"What?"

"I shouldn't have said. I said again. Because I'm stupid. Stupid!"

"Eda, what's going on?"

"Don't bother anymore. Please don't bother. All mine feelings to you... It's over."

"Eda. I was waiting for you all night yesterday at that restaurant."

"You were definitely waiting."

"I waited."

"I was waiting for you there, Serkan."

"It's impossible I was there."

"I was there, you didn't come."

"Eda are you kidding me? Which restaurant did you go? Maybe you went to the wrong place?"

"Restaurant in the Levent area, I went there."

"What?"

"Not the one?"

"No."

"Not the one?"

"You went somewhere else. Was it written in the envelope?"

"Yes."

"Good, so someone changed the envelope."

"Who would replace it?"

"There is someone on my mind but... Wait a minute you went at the restaurant. So to give me a chance?"

"Not in terms of love relationship. That's what you said."

"Yes. I told you to help me become a better person."

"Serkan, I really don't know what to think..."

"Do not think. Do not think. Feel. I know that you feel the same as me. Therefore, do not think. Be by my side. How would you go to the end, so let's go. As you want. Just be there. What do you say?"

I don't think that this scene need an explanation, it speaks for itself.

"Eda is in the kitchen, I think. It's time for me to drink some water."

Eda worried about Serkan, because he followed the man that Sayfi hired and never came back. And he's so satisfied because she still worries about him. And the way they look at each other🔥

The engagement misunderstanding was so hilarious. I laughed so hard during the whole scene. And the photos... Awww beautiful.

"Good night Eda Yildiz."

"Good night Serkan Bolat."

Yesssss they're back at it. I missed this 'coded message' between them. And he's going to pick her up the next morning. I'm so in love with the old Eda and Serkan.

"I missed it. This place. Through this beautiful air, through the trees."

Of course Serkan... You missed the place... Of course. He really needs to learn how to lie, he's not believable.

The final scene... Oh God it was perfect. The fact that he didn't want to go to the restaurant because Eda's claustrophobia. I love that he didn't force her to try to get in the elevator. But when she's willing to try he's immediately at her side to help her. I loved that he push all the buttons so if she couldn't do it they could get out. And the way Serkan calmed her down. It was beautiful and perfect. And the kiss... WE FINALLY HAVE A KISS... I'm so happy. The kiss gave me Teen Wolf vibes, when Lydia kissed Stiles to calm him down because he was having a panic attack. It was really beautiful.

[ratherbefangirling]

hiya! May I get a BTS ship? please and thank you! my personality type of INJTA-A and I'm a Gemini! Year of the Tiger!

Little about me, I am 5'3, green eyes and a brunette. I am actually colored blind, with my blues greens and purples, so I 100% think my eyes are blue. But Ive argued with the eye doctor before, and they've said they are "most definitely green". I am rather opinionated and confrontational, I am not scared nor shy away from standing up for someone. Ill speak my mind when it's appropriate, I've learned that sometimes it's just best to save your breath and your words. I love older music, 20s 30s all that jazz, and even jazz it's self along with other genres. Im not much of a TV shows kind of person, I sometimes watch some shows on HULU, but I'd rather be outside doing something visiting new places. I have taken painting as a hobbie, I love to go on trails and LOVE TOO COOK MORE THEN ANYTHING. Plus I like to take photos. Am also a huge sarcastic dick, that it has gotten me in trouble at times. And sometimes I don't even realize I'm being a said dick, I am rather honest and blunt. I'd rather someone get an honest opinion that comes from myself, from a good place then from someone that wants to do harm an be a bully. Cuz sometimes it's not best to sugar coat things, cuz then how are you supposed to grow?

I'm an extrovert but sometimes need to stay in to charge but not always. I'm rather loud at times, and am not afraid to dance in public if I see others dancing or shout compliments across the street if I like someone hair color, clothing etc. Or even just go play on the playground or just have some fun regardless of what others think.

The oldest of 4 kids, so I have a mothering side to me with others that are younger then I or even older. I'd use to skip school and steal food or other necessities for my siblings. I really did put their own needs before my own. So I really took the roll of the second parent, and sometimes it makes it difficult to find others that relate to such a thing.

Though I am rather hard on the outside, I am very much soft (though it doesn't come out often) on the inside. I can be rather quiet, and reserved, I'm rather nice and people have told me I'm great with conversation and a great listener. I'd be the first to approach someone if they look uncomfortable or are shy at a large event, but I'd be the LAST to do karaoke.

I do have four pets, three rescues beside one that I did buy. I love nature, and I work a lot to be able to provide for my pets. Can't have them with no toys or treats or not looking their best. Same with my siblings, I buy them a lot of things, and make sure they have what they need.

I'm sorry this was so long! But thank you and have a great day!

Hey @animesllut666,

You sounded wonderful, manifesting a great week for you.

The person I ship you with is Jungkook.

Magic, wasn't a word foreign to you any longer born in the slums picked up by a passing magician who could sense great levels of mana* in you when you tried to steal from them. In your defence you belonged to a not so well to do family and tried to save your lunch money by stealing any food you could find or going hungry.

Now as a high level witch working in the government things were different. You could cook all the food in the world. Buy all the original Music instead of replayed discardes pirated ones. Not only could you provide for your family, you also were a proud owner of your pets who you spoiled to your hearts content.

You were enjoying your normal day off when you recieved the summons. Jin was at the hospital. Jin or Kim Seokjin was your benefactor, the magician who you had stole from who had later become your guarantee.

You rush to the healers tower. You find Jungkook there, your arch rival and his guarantor Namjoon who was Jin's close friend.

"What happened?" You ask.

"He overworked himself to a near mana deficit."

You gasp. Mana deficit could have killed a wizard of lesser calibre. But Jin was no lesser wizard infact he belonged to the division called bull proof knights. <pls don't kill me>

"Does anyone have a mana reserve that we can provide Mage Jin." The healer asks.

Jungkook volunteers. You have always been envious about his high level of mana... among other things.

You and Jungkook had come around the same time. Always competing. You remembered the wide innocent looking doe eyes and introverted boy. Over the years he had become an a prankster and a tease. You remembered the day you had completely removed him from your life. The day he was taken as a member of bps. How him and Jin grew closer almost like brothers.

Jungkook can barely stand as he comes back the healer advises bed rest. It's decided Namjoon would stay with Jin and you'd drop Jungkook home.

"Cant" He whimpers and collapses without giving you his address. With no other choice you take him home.

Jungkook inhales the scents of delicious food. Licking on his face wakes him up and he finds himself with your furry buddy.

"Ah, you're awake would you like something to eat?" You ask.

He nods you set the table for the two of you. You've prepared porridge for him and a hearty lunch for yourself(to treat yourself for facing such a difficult situation nicely).

While you think he'll leave he decides to stay over you're secretly glad you don't have to stay alone with your thoughts that will drive yourself crazy with worry.

You both sit and work on your documents at the dining table. At night you sit under the stars sharing hot chocolate.

"I kinda hate you." You confess.

"'I know."

"Who even says that?"

"You don't hate me you hate loosing to me."

"I guess that's true."

The night passes and things get better. In a few days Jin is well enough to work. Life is back to normal. Except you're kind of in love with Jungkook and he's in love with you and you're kind of crazy for each other and it's just like magic.

Mana - magic level indicating aura

[workmaninprogress]

Forewarning, this is a long post. I tried to pare it down but couldn’t.

I don’t know how to do a page break thing on this app, so y’all will just have to scroll.

Sorry not sorry (I am a little sorry).

Four years ago, I had my first testosterone prescription in my hand.

I remember the day clearly. At the time, I was seeing an endo 2 hours away. A few of my friends also saw him, so I had been to that office multiple times as fun group trips.

When it came down to it being my turn to go on hormones, I drove myself by myself. I’m not sure how I felt about the solitary aspect of it at that moment. I was probably bummed that my friend’s class schedule didn’t fit in my favor, but I doubt I was too concerned about it.

Though, I think, even without fully realizing it, I was gearing up for my transition to be done in solitude.

As I started to research medical transitioning, I kept finding people going through the same journey. I was watching them as they were having “goodbye boobies” cakes and “man-niversary” parties. Pre-transition me was so excited for all of that. I wanted that camaraderie—those celebrations.

I had this grand idea that I’d meet a girl that cared deeply enough to be around for every shot and kiss me after I put the bandaid on. Or that I’d have the group of friends where we all celebrated each other’s milestones together.

But that’s not what happened. Instead, I met a girl, and for nearly four years, I felt like a compromise. Like my transition was in the way of what she wanted. She didn’t care to watch me jab a needle in my leg. She didn’t treat my scars with kindness. She cared that I was “hot” and that I was “the best of both worlds.” I thought it was a compliment, it wasn’t.

While prepping for top surgery, I struggled to find someone to go to Florida with me. I wanted a couple of friends to share the experience with; help make it fun instead of only focused on recovery.

I watched many people go through their transition with friends loving on them. But when it was my turn, it felt like it was a challenge to find people who could be around.

Those moments were hard. I felt like I wasn’t as worthy as the others who were surrounded by loved ones. Quite frankly, I was bitter and jealous.

I’ve moved past those feelings since then. I'm able to acknowledge that schedules, work, and money all played a factor, but when you hear ”you’re just asking way too much,” then you start to feel like your existence is too much. And that hurts.

Thankfully, I did have people to support me (my mom & a friend) during that trip.

Because I DO have plenty of support, even if I’m stubborn and put up a wall, making myself feel like no one is around, I have people that love on me and care for me.

I don’t want to come off as ungrateful or like I’m bashing my friends.

I know they care; I know I’m not a burden to them.

I just never expected my transition to feel so lonely, and some days that thought hits too hard.

I had friends around for my first shot, the first time I shaved my face, and the days we spent filming a silly coming out video. Those moments of camaraderie have existed in my life. They’re few and far between, and I’m positive I’ve forgotten about a lot of them. But they have existed, and I’m grateful for them.

There are just so many times that I wish this wasn’t such a lonely process.

For the most part, I emptied my top surgery drains myself. I peeled off the incision tape myself. I do my shots alone in my bedroom. I take the progress photos of myself.

Some days it’s an empowering feeling, like “look at all I’ve accomplished on my own,” other days, the silence cuts deep.

What I’ve learned over my four years since getting my first ‘script is that transitioning isn’t a team sport. It’s you working your ass off day and night to reach the goals you’ve set for yourself.

And sometimes, that means it gets ridiculously lonely.

Your experience may differ from mine; in fact, it probably does. You may have someone with you for every shot. You may have someone who emptied your drains and tucked your post-surgery-drugged ass into bed.

Maybe you’re in more solitude than I am. Perhaps you’ve gone through every single part of this journey as a solo tour.

Maybe you’ve experienced a bit of both with people that have come in and out of your life over the years.

There’s no wrong way to go through this process. We’re all just as strong for sticking around and sticking needles in our butts whether there are people by our sides or not.

When I posted the photo of that prescription in my hand, my golden ticket, I said, “This is only the beginning. There is so much more to come.”

And I still believe it.

Four years later, I’ve become more cynical and perhaps bitter towards my transition, but there truly is so much more left to discover.

Now that I’ve gotten that rant out of the way (it’s one I’ve been deciding whether or not to post), I acknowledge that I do have great friends. And a great family. I have people in my life that are so utterly proud and aren’t afraid to say it. I’m grateful for all those that have been by my side. Truly.

Sometimes my walls get in the way and make things lonelier than they need to be, so I’ll work on it.

If you’re feeling lonely in your transition right now, as weird as this sounds, you’re not alone in those feelings. Even if you have the most supportive people next to you, it’s still okay to feel lonely. You don’t have to feel guilty about it.

That’s the main reason I’ve written these thoughts out; because they’re confusing and often conflicting.

I have had a hard time letting myself feel lonely without an overwhelming sense of guilt about it.

I wanted to share these thoughts for those of you that are in the same head space.

It’s nice knowing that I have accomplished so much of my transition myself. I feel stronger because of it. I’ve come a long way in the four years since that solo drive, and will forever be thankful and proud.

Just as I will be forever proud and thankful for those who have been by my side during the journey.

I really do appreciate you all.

[catcze]

Oh, Catte, my beloved... The bracelet is so beautiful. Goodness, did I cry when I took it out of the envelope. It's almost as beautiful as you are, I love it so much! I'm never ever taking this off. Oh starlight I'm so happy, you may as well have just proposed! I love you so so much, thank you💜💜💜

I'm glad Cyno is doing well for himself these days! It's not really that complex of a spell, simple transmutation really, but I'm sure he didn't want to overwhelm you. He may not talk a lot but trust me; he cares. I should write him sometime, if only so the next time an emergency arises he won't think I only remember he exists when I need his help, hehe... I'm joking of course, he's not the kind of person to care. I do still owe him a favor though. Two, now that he's gone out of his way to teach my girlfriend magic, and specifically for helping you make me this wonderful present. Send along my thanks please, but please don't mention that I said I'd write him, just in case I somehow forget to. You know me, heh..

Also I'm a little surprised to hear that name again! Collei was quite the visitor when she was here a few years ago, it's a long story, and one I doubt very much she'd want me to tell. Suffice to say she and Amber are good friends, but I'm sure she already asked you about her as soon as you mentioned Mondstadt. I'm so relieved to hear she's safe, and studying medicine no less! Tell her I'm proud of her. She'll do great things in her life.

I must admit I'm slightly bothered to hear that so many scholars accosted my poor babygirl to ask if I'd return, I'm so sorry darling. If they give you any more trouble, oh I'll come visit alright. To dispense punishment(although I'd definitely grab some food on the way as we left). Speaking of food, that's so sweet of you to offer to learn the local cuisine just for me~ you're so thoughtful, it's one of the many many things I love about you. My reputation around the school is honestly the only accomplishment you'll find though sweetheart. I wasn't really all that social there, aside from talking to the professors and scholars. I couldn't afford to procrastinate if I wanted to learn everything I could. Funny, that sounds completely unlike me, now doesn't it~ Those lectures can be tiresome at first, did they provide you with the appropriate reading materials, or are you only listening? I still have my copy of the first semester alchemy textbook--it's only about 800 pages, but they're packed to the brim with knowledge. I still reference it sometimes.

Like I mentioned though, most of my time in Sumeru was spent at the Academy or at the local restaurants. If you wanted food recommendations, those I can provide, but unfortunately I won't be of much use otherwise. Sorry cutie~

[the next page of the letter is a list of local restaurants, many with recommended dishes written next to them. There's also a fair number of heart shapes and "I love you"s doodled around the edges of the paper]

I hope you'll try at least some of those and tell me what you think. The more you talk about it honestly, the more it's beginning to grow on me. I do want to go back and visit with you, my love. I miss it, even if I don't want to admit that. It would be so much fun to sight see with you, being able to just meander aimlessly through the city, not a care in the world, and with you by my side... That sounds amazing. I'd want nothing more. Perhaps for our honeymoon~? [the last sentence of the paragraph is crossed out with a single streak of ink cutting through it]

Your photos are all amazing, darling. I just wish I had as many to send you in return, but unfortunately I don't own a camera, nor can I afford to leave the library long enough to travel to Liyue and buy one. That being said, Albedo does have one, and he already took that first photo. Darling, I'm curious, and please, *please* say no if it would bother you even slightly. If I... Perhaps wanted to take some... Pictures, just for your enjoyment~ ...would you mind if I had Albedo continue to serve as the photographer? I want my baby to be thinking of me, especially since I'm not there to pleasure you myself~💜 again, PLEASE say no if you'd have any problem with that. Or I could ask Jean if that would be better. I just want to treat my princess to some candy~

That line is going to have me up all night, I swear. I do wish I was there for you in every sense, but goodness does my heart ache for you. I miss the way you taste so much, my precious little munchkin~ you're not going to sleep at all the first night you're back in my arms, I hope you know that. I'm going to edge you so hard you'll cry for me, hehe~ I'm a little peeved you didn't take notice of my comment about punishing you! There will be ropes involved when you return to me. Just the way you always like it, cutie~ tell me, how bad do you miss me? Miss my tongue you love so much~? Don't worry baby--you'll get everything you could ever want for when you come home. I can't wait to taste you~ goodness, excuse me a moment baby... I need to scratch an itch before I finish writing this letter, hehe...~

Okay, I'm back. That was quite the itch, it just kept coming back~ that picture you sent with this letter may have helped with that... Celestia, you're so so beautiful, my rose..~ I love you so much.

Where was I... Ah yes. I'm very glad you've been eating and sleeping properly. Such a good girl you always are~💜 and don't worry; I'm taking care of myself as well. I've been becoming more adjusted to the late nights lately, since your letters often arrive around this hour(it's 11:30 right now, although up until a page ago it had been 10:15, hehe...). I don't mind it at all, since you know I love to sleep in anyway. I love reading your letters sweetheart. They truly do carry your love across the distance. I'm so happy that you're my partner. I love you so so much. I reread your letters every day, they put such a smile on my face.

Also, what's this about ideas you're having ever since I mentioned the uniform? Tell me!! Pretty please~? 💜

I'm going to call my letter to a close here, before I end up needing a bigger envelope, hehe~ I love you so much, starlight. Please take care, and I hope you're well rested when you read this. Hopefully I can put a smile on your beautiful face. I just wish I was there to see it. I love you so much, take care and write me back when you can, promise~?

Yours Always,

- Lisa 🌺💜

Milddd nsfw here muaH <33

Hi, love, I’m so happy that you like your gift! I love you very much as well— hopefully it can give you comfort on some particularly hard nights where I cannot be with you, dearest. Sort of like a reminder that although I cannot be there with you in person, you always carry a piece of my heart with you, you know?

I’ll be sure to relay your message to Cyno and Collei! They were rather surprised when they found out I was your girlfriend, haha! In a good way, of course— they’ve been great company so far.

And don’t worry about the other scholars, Lisa dear. I can handle them plenty fine. I’m sure they’ll go running if I even so much as imply that you wouldn’t be pleased with them for their behavior, my love. They wouldn’t want to mess with one of the best sorcerers to ever roam those halls, you know?

Regarding the lectures, they offered to loan me some textbooks actually, but I had to turn them down since, well, I am just an observer, and carrying so many books with me to and fro would weigh me down. Still, although I sometimes get confused while I observe, It’s such a fun and interesting experience! I can’t say I’m remembering every bit of knowledge I hear, but I’ve definitely learned at least a thing or two.

Just yesterday, there was a bit of a lull in lectures that I was attending— something about one of the scholars who had agreed to host me taking their class out to fieldwork, and I was unable to accompany them. So I took the time to check out some of the restaurants you listed for me! I went to just one of them for lunch, since I didn’t want to get too full throughout the day, and I enjoyed it very much!! I included a picture of one of the dishes you noted for me (a best seller of theirs, apparently) and I didn’t regret purchasing it at all. It was so good! In my free time, it’s one of the recipes that I hope to familiarize and bring back home to you— I think you’ll rather like it, especially since there’s no meat. Hopefully I’ll get good enough at making it that you’ll be able to savor the flavor too!

Though, I don’t mind either if you’d rather return with me next time, and we can have a dinner date here? I really like the ambiance of the place— its both romantic and private. And the view from the balcony here is absolutely magical. Or we can maybe visit a couple of the other restaurants you’ve recommended to me? I doubt that I’ll be able to try all of them this time, and being able to experience it with you would make the experience a million times better.

Also, regarding the photos you mentioned— well, I’m fine with it if you are. As long as you’re comfortable with whoever is photographing you love, then it’s perfectly alright with me. Besides, I know that we’re devoted to each other, so there’s no cause for me to be uncomfortable 💞 If you so wish to grant me such photos, I eagerly await them, love! They’re not the same as you being here, of course, but I’m sure they could help me with how much I miss you.

And ah, sending such things only makes me miss you more! Perhaps I should take a good, long rest before I come back to Mondstadt, if you plan to keep me up all night. And who says I didn’t notice your comment? Perhaps I was just teasing you by keeping quiet about it, especially if I know what’s awaiting me back home. And yes, I miss you so so much, I miss your tongue and you lips, your touch on my skin, the way you hold me and make me feel so good each and every time— Love, really, if your intention with that letter was to get me all worked up, then safe to say you’ve succeeded. My, I doubt I’m going to be getting any sleep tonight, thinking of you.

And regarding that bit about the Academy uniform… well, I might have found a local seamstress who was willing to make me a version of it, tailored to my measurements. It’s not ready quite yet, but hopefully I can send you some photographs soon 💞

By the way, love, there’s no need to have to wait up for my letters, not if you’re not getting enough sleep! I don’t mind waiting a bit for your reply as long as I know you’re sleeping on time. I worry about you as much as you worry about me, so for both your sake and mine, promise me you’ll get enough sleep? Either way, though, I’m glad you’re taking care of yourself, dearest. It makes me happy, knowing that you and the others are doing well. I love you very, very much you know? Please continue to stay safe, dearest, and know that I’m always missing you.

And, well, regarding a proper proposal, though I can’t say I haven’t thought of it before (how could I not? I can fully envision spending the rest of my life with you) I would much prefer if I were able to give you the ring and ask you in person, love. That being said, take the bracelet as a promise that I’ll return to you soon— and hopefully with a ring that I think you’ll like and a question that I plan to ask you.

All the best wishes, dearest. I love you very much 💞

—Catte 💞