#I learned how to draw yes. I also learned how to persevere and look forward to the future.

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

In the same way that this blog has given you something to hold on to and look forward to, seeing these comics has given me something to hold on to and look forward to in some bleak times too. Thank you for sharing your art and your journey and your commentary and your jokes. They mean a lot to me and I’m certainly not the only one. Keep “”””””poorly”””””” drawing <3

Thank you so much for joining me on this journey of trying to get by, and learning to stay silly and hopeful.

[yungidreamer]

Heart in the Sea

The third oneshot in my Kinktober fantasy series

Summary: A selkie will always feel the call of the sea, but can she choose between the sweet and big hearted Seungmin and her true home when their paths cross.

Word count: 5.6k

Content warnings: The longing and bitter sweetness of love that is split between two worlds. A story of love and understanding that lasts a lifetime.

Suggested music: In the Distance by Tony Anderson and When You Fall Christian Reindl and When You Love Someone by Day6

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

The nearly full moon hung high in the sky, sparkling brightly off the surface of the calm sea. She came ashore in her familiar cove, scooting her torpedo-shaped body up the soft sand and through the surf until the tide only lapped at her as it reached it’s farthest distance up the beach. With a sigh she sloughed off her skin, transforming into the beautiful woman she could change into only these three days around the full moon.

Tucking her skin under her arm, she scurried up the soft sand of the beach to the hidden little cave she knew was there. She pushed aside the curtain of vines and tucked her skin inside at the same she pulled out the human clothes she kept there for when she returned. Changing into them, she made sure the little cave was hidden again before setting off down the beach to enjoy her time here on land.

Not far down the beach was a pier where humans tended to gather. They had built restaurants, stores, and even a dive shop over the last decade. She and the others didn’t mind it. It was actually sort of nice to have them around, especially since they mostly stayed around the area that surrounded their pier. Their area just to the north was a designated refuge for wildlife which meant they were mostly left alone but were still near enough to take a swim with people when the mood struck them. The divers could be fun and, honestly, it was hilarious to imagine how many pictures there were out there of her looking adorable with her big black eyes and pert whiskers, waving at another divers go-pro.

She walked down the beach until she could hear the hum of the people mixed with that slight buzz their electric lights gave off that none of them seemed to notice. No one took note of her as she walked through the sparse crowd, heading to the stairs that lead up to the raised pier. It had a beautiful view of her ocean and often there were couples there, standing together watching the beauty of her sea.

Her bare feet felt cold on the damp wooden planks. It was cold, but not yet cold enough to make her wear shoes. They were something she had never really gotten used to. Too constricting and they kept her from feeling the beach, the sea. In winter she bowed to necessity but for now, when it was just that little overlap in the year when summer blended into fall, she would not yet.

Taking a seat on a bench on one side, she quietly watched the people chatting and laughing together. A few older men stood, poles in hand, fishing as they leaned on the wooden rails. A couple passed by, fingers entwined as they spoke quietly together. People seem so happy when they are coupled together, she thought as she watched them. Pairing off wasn’t really something her people did but part of her wondered what it might be like. If there was another like her in her colony, one who could shed their skin and walk in both worlds, perhaps she would pursue such things but, alas, she was the only one.

“Are you waiting for someone?” A voice startled her from her reverie and she turned to find a tall young human male standing very near to her.

“No,” she replied, taking a moment to really look at him. His hair was a light brown, neatly cut to a feathery softness around his ears and neck. It was slightly messy, having been mussed by the winds that were always blowing along the shore. He had dark brown eyes she could only describe as kind as they sparkled in the low light. He was dressed in a white button up shirt with a pale blue sweater vest over it, and jeans of a similar shade. It reminded her of summer mornings, full of the promise of warmth but still cool and fresh as the morning mist began to fade away.

“Would you mind hanging out with me?” He asked, stepping forward but still not taking a seat yet. “I’m not here with anyone either.”

“If you’d like,” she shrugged but scooted closer to one side of the bench. 

“So do you live somewhere near here?” He was fishing for something to talk about.

“Not too far,” she admitted.

“Is that why you’ve come out here so late?” He asked, looking out at the other people rather than at her as he spoke.

“I like this place,” she shrugged, giving a half smile. “It has a lovely view of the sea and it’s not too loud. Not too many people.”

“You like the sea then?” He nodded.

“It’s a part of me,” she spoke honestly, but guessed that the meaning probably escaped the boy beside her.

“I feel like that about music,” he confessed, his face breaking into a joyful grin. “Writing music and singing is just a part of me. I’m not sure who I would be without it.”

“It must be nice to have that kind of passion about something,” she said after a moment's pause. “What sort of music do you do?”

“I like ballads,” he explained shyly. “Love songs and acoustic things.”

“People seem to like things about love,” she remarked, looking at all of the couples around them.

“Love can be wonderful,” He laughed. “It can also hurt like hell, but when you find the one, it's all worth it, you know?”

“Not really,” she admitted, giving him a quizzical look. “I don’t really understand love very well.”

“Haven’t you ever listened to love songs?” He sounded surprised.

“No, not really,” she shrugged and turned her eyes back to the sea.

“Will you be here tomorrow?” He suddenly asked.

“Yes,” she nodded, she had another couple of days on the shore. 

“Can I meet you here tomorrow after school?” His voice was filled with excitement and she couldn’t see the harm. She nodded and he seemed satisfied, standing up with a bright expression on his face. “I should go home, but I’ll be back tomorrow afternoon, then I can teach you about love.”

“Alright,” She gave him a nod and watched as he started to walk away.

“I’m Seungmin by the way,” He said before he got too far away. She only waved in response watching him go.

Seungmin spent the whole day thinking about seeing her again. He went to class with only half of his mind on his courses as he thought about the mysterious girl he saw at the beach. He had to admit to the possibility she wouldn’t be waiting for him, or that she wouldn’t care to hang out with him even if she was. It was possible, but something about her made it worth trying. When classes were done, he ran home, grabbed his portable keyboard and headed for the beach with a happy spring to his step.

He found her there, sitting on a rock towards one side of the beach that stretched out in front of the line of shops that surrounded the pier. She sat alone, her knees pulled up to her chest as she looked out at the water. There was something...separate about her. She didn’t seem to fit in with anyone else there and it didn’t seem to bother her that it was true. That aloof, mysterious exterior just made him want to know what there was underneath. He wanted the chance to plumb her depths and explore her inscrutable soul.

“Hi,” Seungmin said as he took a seat on the rock next to hers.

“Hello,” she looked at him with warm eyes. “I wondered if you would actually come today.”

“Of course,” he laughed, giving her a wide and joyful smile. “I have something I wanted to show you.” He pulled out his keyboard and balanced it on his lap. Laying her head on her knees, she watched him flip some switches and make some adjustments before clearing his throat and bringing forth the first few notes from the keyboard on his lap.

“It was a really hard day today. My heart aches for you, the only thing I can do for you, is to be next to you, I'm sorry.” His voice was sweet and melodic as he sang. It had a warmth and intensity that spoke to her soul. Yesterday he had said he loved music and she could hear it in his voice. He was good at it and equally skilled at drawing the notes from the mechanical thing in his lap.

“When you love someone so much that it overflows, it's so amazing because this is how it is. I hope I can be a little helpful at least. I hope I can be your resting place. I'll try to make you feel at peace whenever you think of me during your busy days.

“You're such a soft-hearted person, every time you are silently in pain, even if I have to give my all, I want to make you smile again…” 

They sat together for an hour as he sang some of his favorite love songs; the sad ones and the happy ones, the longing ones and the silly ones. She was sure that he could feel them in his bones as he sang them for her, giving her just a little window on what love meant, at least to him. It seemed selfless, joyful, and sweet, though perhaps that was really just him.

“Thank you,” she said as he took the keyboard off his lap, slipping it back into the bag he had brought with him. “Your voice is beautiful. Sonorous and soulful. It reminds me of the whales.”

“I haven’t ever been compared to a whale,” he laughed. “But thank you.”

“I suppose it is what I think of when I think of beautiful music,” she shrugged, blushing slightly. “I meant it as a compliment at least.”

“Whales are amazing,” he agreed. “We learned about them in school. I’d like to see one in person someday.”

“They are very pretty,” she nodded.

“Have you seen one before?” He asked with excitement.

“A few,” she replied. “But there aren’t that many left.”

“Yeah, we hunted a lot of them nearly to extinction,” Seungmin sighed.

“Humans seem to like killing things,” she observed, thinking of what she knew about people hunting seals like her. 

“Some do,” he admitted. “I’d rather take pictures of them than kill them. I think sometimes it’s harder to get a good photo of something than it is to hunt it.”

“At least everything involved gets a second chance at it when you shoot with a camera rather than with a gun.” She concurred with good humor. They whiled away the hours together on the beach until he had to go home for dinner.

“Will you be here tomorrow?” He asked as he got up to leave.

“Yes,” she nodded. “But then I’ll be gone for a while.”

“I’ll come back tomorrow then,” he promised. 

And he did. When they parted that last day he asked when she would come back. Soon she promised, around the next full moon. So long, he wondered sadly to himself as he rode the bus home that evening, so long to have to wait to see her again.

During the month that he waited for her to return, he still went to the beach most days, just to check and to explore the shore nearby. He spent a few days just wandering up and down that section of beach that was near the pier and it’s shops. There were natural barriers to either side with rocky outcrops reaching into the ocean except at low tide. Really, the area was more a massive cove, it just happened to be so wide it wasn’t terribly noticeable. 

Over the second week, he began to explore beyond the rocks. One side extended into a long rocky beach filled with rocks that had been washed to smooth roundness. As the water washed ashore, it rushed through the rocks making the most wonderful whooshing sound. It was so calming, so rhythmic. I wonder if I could write something that would capture that feeling, he thought as he sat on an outcropping a slight distance from where the water swept in against the shore.

The week after that he went the opposite direction. At low tide he set out, following along the rocky, narrow beach until he found himself in a small horseshoe shaped cove surrounded by high rock walls that were nearly vertical. The cove itself was small and sheltered from the wind. The sea lapped in against the soft sand beach with a quiet sloop sloop sloop.

Taking a seat on a dry part of the beach, Seungmin took out his keyboard to try and write a little something. He dabbled with little tunes, a smattering of notes he combined and tested out, trying to make it match the sound his soul was waiting for. He couldn’t stay terribly long or he risked getting stuck there when the tide came in so he packed up to head back. As he threw his bag over his shoulder, something caught his eye out in the water. A little head was bobbing out among the waves. A seal, he wondered, squinting to try and get a better look. Before he could, it disappeared into the waves.

When the moon rose on the night before the full moon, she came out of the water and slipped her skin. It was getting colder and soon she would have to wear shoes, but now she still stubbornly refused. At least not today. Putting something on, she stole along that long half flooded beach to go look for Seungmin. She was sure he would be here. After all, he had been somewhere along her beach, near the pier, or on the rocky shore almost every day since they had first met. It wasn’t that she had gone to search for him, she assured herself. It was that she happened to see him that first day, then she wondered if he had come back, and eventually it just became a habit to look for him, to see if he had come again. Most days he played music. Sometimes it seemed to be something he knew, a whole song he had long since memorized, but often he seemed to be trying to find something in the notes, trying to invent something new. She liked those times. The sounds, while not perfect and not always sweet and melodic, held a creativity and expressiveness that captured her.

“Seungmin!” She said in surprise as she emerged from around the last outcrop to find him already there, waiting on a blanket on the beach.

“Hello,” he smiled at her, standing up and coming to the edge of his blanket. “I had a feeling you might come from over here.”

“How…” her eyes widened and a fear and suspicion trickled into her heart.

“Just a hunch,” he rushed to assure her. “Come here, I have a surprise for you. Do you want something to eat?” He extended a hand to her, inviting her to sit with him on the blanket. She took his hand, gingerly stepping onto the blanket with her damp feet. Seungmin reached into his basket and pulled out a hand towel he offered her to dry them off. Accepting it, she took a seat, drying her calves and feet which helped them to warm faster. She was grateful and offered him a thanks as she passed it back to him. When he took it back he handed her something else.

“What are these?” She asked, holding up the ball of knitted fabric he seemed to have handed her.

“Socks,” he replied. “Here, let me help.” Taking them back, he unfolded them, rolling one up in his hand before lifting one of her feet and slipping it on her up to her knee. He did the same with her other foot before setting it down with a shy smile.

“They are very warm, thank you,” she said gratefully. Seungmin nodded and turned back to the basket, pulling out a small packet of something and handing it to her.

“It’s a tuna sandwich,” he explained. “I thought you might like it.”

“Thank you,” she peeked inside the parchment paper bag to see the sandwich and the scent of fish wafted out to her. It smelled delicious. Usually she just fasted for the days she was with people. It wasn’t that long and had never really been a problem for her, but she had to admit, it wasn’t something she looked forward to. They ate in silence, both just sitting and looking at the sea, watching as the light faded into night. The night was still as the moon rose and the sun set opposite one another.

“Would you play something for me?” She finally asked.

“I’d love to,” he smiled at her. Pulling out his keyboard, he put it on his lap and turned it on. She stretched out on the blanket and closed her eyes, just wanting to listen to him play, to hear that joyful sound mix with the waves and wind of her home. She recognized small portions of the notes he played from the times he had come and played on those more isolated areas of the beach.

“Do you like it?” He asked when he stopped.

“Yes,” she nodded. “I like your music.”

“Thank you,” He let out a joyful laugh. “I wrote it for you.”

“Why?” She looked at him with questioning eyes.

“I like you,” he admitted shyly. “I wanted to have something to give you. Something you could take with you… even when you aren’t…” he let his voice trail off. There was a good chance he was wrong, that he had let his imagination run wild and had spent too many hours listening to the stories his grandmother liked to tell him.

“You know what I am, don’t you.” She said for him. “Are you going to trap me? Steal my skin.”

“I wouldn’t,” he said with absolute seriousness. “I could never do that; I couldn’t steal your life from you like that.”

“Why not?” She was curious, not that she wished he would but what she knew of humans, she would have guessed that most would have without much thought.

“Because love that comes from a selfish place only brings pain to everyone,” he replied. “I’d rather have just a little time with you that is happy than have you always but filled with sadness.”

“You are very special,” she told him, moving to sit beside him.

“No,” he denied, taking one of her hands in his. “I’m nothing special. Perhaps I just know how lucky I am.” He spread her fingers, gently weaving his in between and looking at how the skin between them went just a little higher than a regular human’s did. He sat with her on the beach as late as he could, heading home only after getting a call from his parents wondering where in the world he was. Packing up his keyboard and his basket, he put his shoes on and started to head up the beach to go home.

“Wait, aren’t you going to take the blanket?” She asked, standing beside it in her socks.

“You can keep it for this visit,” he said as he continued to move away. “I’ll take it back when you go.”

“Thank you,” she said loudly enough to make sure he heard her.

“See you tomorrow,” he waved one last time before he walked out of view. She sat down again, turning her gaze to the water to wait the hours until he would return.

One Year Later

“I have something I have to tell you,” Seungmin told her on the last night of her change.

“What is it?” She said, leaning her head on his shoulder as they ate and watched the sea.

“I’m going to be gone for a while,” he confessed. “I’m going to university in another place. I’ll come back when I can, but…”

“I understand,” she told him. “I knew you couldn’t always be here. I couldn’t ask you to give up your life any more than you could steal my skin.”

“Part of me wishes you would,” he admitted, wrapping his arm around her shoulder and burying his face in her hair that smelled like home to him now.

“You’re still here,” she said, bringing both their hands to sit over her heart. “Even when you aren’t here.”

Over the four years he studied, Seungmin came back as often as he could. When he could stay over the period of the full moon, he camped out in their little cove, bringing a tent they could both stay in together, enjoying the fleeting moments they could steal between them. If he was home when it was time for her to live as a seal, he would come and play for her. Sometimes she would come, wriggling her torpedo like body up onto the shore to nap beside him as he played, and others she would just bob in the shallows, playing in the water as she listened.

When he graduated, he came back home, working jobs to make ends meet as he also worked on his music and composing. In only a few years, he was able to make ends meet with his composing alone. His ability to make music that could pull at your heartstrings or make your heart soar brought money, if not renown to him. It was all he could have asked for. 

When he had saved enough he bought a patch of land among the dunes a little down the beach from their cove and built a simple cottage. It was not large but had enough space for him to live in more than comfort, with a room he could compose in and a porch he could sit out and look at the sea anytime he wished. Now when she came ashore, she had a home to come to, a place that was warm year round and that was safe for her to keep her skin. She never needed shoes and never needed to worry that some adventurous soul would happen across it or that someone would steal it and trap her.

Many Years later

“Seungmin,” she said softly as they lay together under the covers. “I don’t think I can go back tomorrow.”

“Why?” He turned on his side to look at her with concern. She had never, in all the years he had known her, not gone back to the sea. “Is something wrong?”

“I wouldn’t say wrong,” she hedged slightly before taking his hand and placed it on her stomach. “I think it’s going to be like you so it would be best if I stayed like this until it comes.”

“A baby?” He breathed, wonder sparkling in his eyes. “How long?”

“I think as long as it takes people to have a baby,” she replied. “So probably half a year or a little more. I know I haven’t stayed that long before and perhaps it would be safe for me to go back, at least for a little while longer…”

“No,” he interjected quickly. “Stay, please. This is your home always, no matter how long and no matter your form, you can always stay here.”

“Thank you,” she smiled up at him. “Are you happy?”

“Ecstatic,” he asserted. “I can’t wait to meet our baby.”

“If it is like you,” she said timidly. “Can you care for it while I am gone?”

“Of course,” he couldn’t help but sound a little offended that she would even ask. “It is my child. I will love it and provide it with anything it needs.”

“I wasn’t even sure if you wanted children,” she pointed out. “We never spoke on the subject and I didn’t know if you would welcome one at all or not.”

“To have a small piece of you always here with me,” he smiled and brushed his thumb over her cheek. “I can’t say how happy it will make me.”

“I’m so happy to know that you want it as much as I do,” she spoke softly, cuddling up to him to go to sleep.

“I love you both,” he replied, pulling her into his arms.

“I can’t stay,” she whispered to the small child in the crib. “But I have never left so much of myself behind before.”

“We’ll be here when you come back,” Seungmin promised, wiping away the warm tear that rolled down her cheek. She stood and hugged him before going to where she kept her skin, stripping her human clothes before walking down to the beach to slip back into her skin and dive beneath the surf.

“Mama!” The little voice shouted from the porch as she saw the seal pop up from the softly lapping tide. “Daddy, mom is home!”

“Let’s go see her,” Seungmin scooped his daughter into his arms and carried her down the path to the beach. She was already on shore by the time they had wound their way through the dunes and sea grass. Her skin sloughed off and draped over one arm, she walked up over the soft sand to them. He greeted her with a kiss, trading their daughter for her skin before the three headed back up the path to their home.

“Sarah, what have you been up to while I’ve been gone?” She asked the little girl.

“I started school!” The little girl shouted.

“That’s wonderful,” she said with a smile.

“Why don’t you go get some of your work to show her?” Seungmin suggested.

“Okay!” The little girl ran upstairs excitedly.

“Welcome home,” He said, giving her a kiss.

“I’m so happy to see you,” she smiled up at him. “I have a surprise.” Placing his hand on her stomach, she smiled up at him.

“Another one?” Seungmin said excitedly. “Does that mean you’ll stay for a while again?”

“Not this time,” Her smile turned slightly sad, but did not disappear.

“Then let’s enjoy the time we have now, while we can.” He pulled her into a hug. 

“Look mama!” Her daughter bounded down the stairs, papers gripped in her arms.

“Let me put something on, then you can show me everything,” She kissed her head before heading to where her clothes were already laid out.

During the long months she could not slip her skin, she stayed near her home, near her beach as much as she could. Seungmin spent many hours watching her swim in the waves or sitting with her as she sunned herself on the shore as their daughter played around them. Then, one day, she was not there alone. She was there with a small, white, fluffy pup.

“He’s beautiful, love,” he told her proudly when he joined her that morning. She fanned out her whiskers proudly, squinting up at him in her best seal smile. 

Still more months passed before their second child was old enough to shift with her and they could both finally come home with Seungmin and her patiently waiting daughter. When the two of them stepped out onto the shore, he was struck by how old his son already looked. Rather than the months old infant he had expected to meet, he looked more like a toddler as he cuddled against his mother, holding her neck as she held him.

“Deacon, Mama!” Sarah shouted, running down to the beach to greet them. “Welcome home!”

“You look so grown up, my love,” she said, kissing her daughter's forehead. 

“I’m in middle school now,” Her daughter beamed at her. “It started last week. School starts earlier now, but I’ll still try to wave good-bye every morning, just in case you can see me in the dark.”

“I can see quite well in the dark,” she assured her. “I will try to be here earlier so that I can see you go.”

“Do you want to see what I am learning?” Her daughter took her mother’s skin and passed her the robe she had brought before doing the same for her younger brother.

“We would love to see what you are learning now,” Her mother nodded.

“What is school like?” Deacon asked, taking his sister’s hand as they walked back up to the cottage.

“It can be fun, but it can also be really boring,” Sarah explained after giving it some thought. “You could always go to school, too.”

“Would I have to stay on land to do that?” Her brother asked.

“Yeah, but it isn’t so bad living up here,” she gave him a good natured laugh.

“I know it's not bad,” Deacon nodded. “But it isn’t really where I belong. I wish I could bring you with me to swim with us and see all there is out in the ocean.”

“Maybe I can learn how to dive and come visit one day,” his sister suggested as they stepped inside.

“If you do, I’ll help you swim,” he promised. “People don’t swim that well, even with the fins and stuff. But I can help.”

“Sarah, can I ask you to help him with something?” Her mother asked, coming back after putting her clothes on.

“What can I do?” Excitement filled her voice.

“Can you see if you can teach him to read a little while we are here?” She suggested. “Just for a little while each time we come. What do you think?”

“Sure! Come on Deacon, let me show you,” the two children rushed upstairs hand in hand.

“Did you really want him to learn, or were you hoping to get a little time with me?” Seungmin chuckled as he stepped out of the kitchen to greet her.

“Perhaps a little bit of both,” she admitted, giving him a happy kiss.

“He’s growing so fast,” Seungmin sighed, casting a glance at where they had disappeared. “I feel like I am missing so much of his life.”

“I know,” she commiserated. “I feel the same about our wonderful girl. But you have done so well raising her.”

“We have,” he agreed pointedly. “We have wonderful children.”

“Sarah Kim, Masters in Marine Biology,” the president announced, signaling it was her moment to step on the stage. Dressed in her graduation cap and gown, she stepped up, shaking the hand of the department heads, professors, and administrators as she made her way to accept her degree. It was perhaps predictable that she would follow this path, having always wanted to be a little closer to her mother’s world that seemed so close yet just out of reach. She wanted to understand it, she wanted to be a part of it, and most of all she wanted to protect it. After all, it was a part of her, too.

In the audience, her mother watched, seated beside her father, having stayed human this time, not wanting to miss this moment. Her brother had gone back to the sea, still far more comfortable there than on land and certainly uncomfortable with such large crowds. Sarah understood, she knew he would be there on the beach when she came back home, giving her a greeting before disappearing back under the waves. She knew he was proud. He had helped her learn and see so much on their dives together. They had both learned to walk in each other’s worlds.

After decades she came back from the sea a final time. She was growing old and, though the sea would always be a part of her, with her end near, she wanted to be with her loved ones. It was time to say goodbye and she could not imagine just never returning; leaving them wondering what had become of her one day when she just disappeared.

“I think I have finally come to stay, my love,” she told Seungmin as she took a seat beside him on the porch of their cottage on the beach.

“No more returning to the sea?” He asked quietly, putting an arm around her. “What about our son? Will he be alright out there, the only one of his kind?”

“He’s an adult and he will find his own path and his own family of his making,” she said with a proud confidence. “It’s not goodbye, just… time to let him go his own way.”

“Would you like me to play you your song?” He asked after a long silence.

“My song?” she asked, giving him a smile.

“You heard the part of it back on the beach the first time you came back to me,” he informed her. “I’ve been working on it ever since. It’s still not done, maybe it never will be, but would you like to hear it anyways?”

“Yes,” she said as she stood, ready to go to the music room where his piano sat, like his small ocean. It was an inseparable part of him, a little bit of his soul.

She stayed that final year in that cottage with the people she loved and still so near to the sea that would always hold a part of her, something even larger when her son was in it’s depths. When her time came, she could say she went without regrets and with her love by her side. Seungmin spread her ashes on their beach and in the sea so she would always be a part of both. He followed her only months after, at peace with his life and what he left behind. The cottage became the home of his daughter and a place where their son could always return to and always call home. His ashes joined hers, on their beach and in their sea, finally uniting them in a single place they could both always be.

Masterlist

[flyingkiki]

The Screaming Bunny (2/?)

A day late, but Happy Halloween. You asked for a Halloween treat, so here it is. Enjoy!

~

Halloween was a terrible time to go out. The streets were packed with people dressed up as drunk monsters, superheroes, sexy costumes of whatever possible, and terrible imitations of the Gotham criminals and their ragtag gangs. Also, sexy Joker costumes, ugh. Petty crimes also saw a spike on this night in Gotham, though it was nothing the GCPD or Batman and Robin couldn’t handle on their own.

Admittedly, Tim should be out on patrol right now or perhaps working on those new business acquisition reports for WE. There are a million other things he should be doing right now – like monitoring criminal activities tonight or keeping an eye out on anyone dressed like an Arkham Criminal. He should be also reading a new book, Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance, because Human Resource has been getting on his case to finish the book.

There are honestly a million other things Tim should be doing right now. He definitely should not be squeezing through a packed crowd of sweat, latex, leather, and lace.

But here he was at The Screaming Bunny. In that stupid domino mask. Again.

The private club had sent out an email to all its members of tonight’s “Spooks and Spanks” event. He shouldn’t be here but Tim would be lying if he said that he was not intrigued after the interesting run-in last month.

The club was packed tonight, drawing a crowd dressed in virtually anything or nothing. A couple of bloodied nurses in uniforms too tight to pass hospital standards scurried past Tim and disappeared around the corner. Tim carefully maneuvered his way through the club and towards the bar, hopeful to get a drink.

Soft techno music filled the club and allowed people in the lounge area to either dance or talk to each other. Club policy allowed for alcoholic drinks only by the bar and common area, Tim learned. Alcoholic drinks, and drunk members for that matter, were not allowed in any of the pleasure chambers or dungeons.

Yes, Tim made an effort to go through the club’s policies.

“Hey, what can I get you?” a topless bartender appeared, dressed nothing but a pair of extremely tight police shorts with a pair of handcuffs dangling from his belt.

“Just a scotch,” Tim replied, this time unfazed by the display of nakedness (or the potential violations of health codes by the lack of clothes). He paid for the drink as it slid across the counter and thanked the guy.

Picking up his drink, Tim pushed himself away from the bar and idly surveyed the scene in front of him. Save for the general nakedness, and the occasional grunts and whipping noises that drifted through the room, the club seemed very much like any other Halloween party tonight. A woman dressed in stockings from head to toe walked past him, roughly tugging along a man in nothing but boxers and a latex mask over his head. Tim blinked at the sight and took a sip of his drink, a few stray thoughts flittering through his mind but he quickly squashed these.

There were a couple of tables and lounge chairs in the corners of the room, Tim thought it would be best perhaps to hang out in the back for a while and let the whole party scene sink in. Tonight was the first time he was here as an actual patron and not tailing a criminal. Dodging a couple of plastic horns and demon wings, Tim easily slid through the standing crowd and spotted an empty spot on the couch next to a couple of purple and pink furry monsters (monsters? Tim wasn’t all too sure).

Sliding past a group of men in lingerie, Tim made a beeline for the lounge area. He immediately stopped in his tracks however and quickly spotted why he came tonight. Or why his curiosity peeked in the first place. His grip tightened around his scotch glass and something in his chest fluttered.

Over the crowd of lace, latex, leather, nakedness, and fake blood, purple eyes caught his own. Tim swallowed and felt his breath catch.

From across the room, Raven – Rachel – stared at Tim for a millisecond before turning her attention back to the couple covered in body paint seated across of her.  He watched her chuckle and talk to the couple before her eyes slid back to him and he swore her lips quirked just a little bit. He felt heat rush to his face as he took in her appearance, her pale skin and black hair stood out against the white of her impossibly tight leather corset. And, oh, was that a little halo over her head?

Should he go over? Tim found himself momentarily fumble. Of course he should. Wasn’t this why he came back? Because he was curious? Because he wanted – Tim blinked and caught his thoughts as Raven waved him over.

Oh god.

“You’re back,” Raven said to him once he finally approached their table. She offered him a playful smile and her purple eyes danced in the dim lights. She tilted her head and leaned back just a little bit as she eyed him with that amused smile of hers. “Why don’t you join us?” she asked, scooting down the leather sofa to make room for him in their little corner of the lounge area.

“Sure,” Tim felt a rush of emotions run down his back at the invitation – and that smile – and sat down next to her, leaving respectable room between them. Trying not to focus too much on an intriguingly amused Raven (why was she so amused? He needed to know), he placed his scotch glass on the small glass table and offered the other two women a smile. “Hello.”

“This is Tracy and Lady X,” Raven introduced, pointing at a small redheaded woman in a skimpy Super Mario costume with a dog collar and a blonde woman in complete leopard body paint. Raven gracefully pointed at each woman with her drink in her hand. Tilting her head towards Tim, she eyed him in mild amusement. “And this is…” she trailed off.

“Red,” Tim supplied smoothly and smiled at the two women. “Nice to meet you,”

“Red,” Raven repeated with an amused lilt in her voice before hiding her smile into her mojito glass. She leaned into the sofa, looking impossibly comfortable and blissfully ignoring how surreal everything truly was – Tim and her in club filled with naked people. It just felt surreal. He swallowed.

“So what are you supposed to be?” asked Tracy curiously, leaning forward just a little bit and eyeing Tim’s costume skeptically.

Tim felt his neck and cheeks burn at the attention. He had not put much thought into wearing any particular costume tonight – because what does one wear to a private BDSM club Halloween party really? “Ah, a random biker?” he replied, chuckling softly. He hoped his jeans and the leather vest he was wearing passed those standards.

Tracy chuckled with him and offered him a sympathetic smile. “Good try,”

“Random Biker Red,” Raven hummed next to him barely audible over the noise. He caught her staring at him, that amused smile never really disappearing. Tim swallowed and caught her eye briefly before reaching for his drink.

“How did you guys meet?” asked Lady X curiously. “I don’t think I’ve seen you around before,”

“He’s a new bunny,” Raven easily supplied and Tim felt his inside twist lightly at the word bunny. There it was again and he fought every urge not to openly stare at Raven. “I just bumped into him a few weeks ago,” she said.

“Ohh,” Tracy leaned forward just a little bit, her eyes sparkling in clear mischief. “Is he going to be your dom, Rachel?”

Tim coughed loudly into his drink at her words and he was sure Raven felt his spike of emotions as she shot him a quick glance. Dom? As in – holy shit. He blinked and tried to ignore how loudly his heart beat in his ears. He ignored the hot jolt than ran through him. “I – ugh, her what?”

Raven rolled eyes at Tracy and sent Tim an amused smile. “Easy. He’s new, Tracy,”

Ignoring Raven, the woman dressed up like a very sexy Mario brother leaned over their glass table and whispered very loudly. “She’s looking for a dom or a switch, just so you know,”

“Oh,” breathed Tim and his gaze involuntarily turned to Raven, who quirked her lips lightly in response. Well, was that information Tim needed? He wasn’t sure. But will he store this information for later? Yes. He inhaled softy as his stomach flopped and stray thoughts flittered through his head. He silently wondered if Dick knew about all of this – Dick would kick is his ass if he knew he was here with Raven.

“So you were saying about your plans?” Raven turned her attention back to the couple across of them. Crossing her legs, Tim’s heart jumped at the sight of thigh-high white stockings, Raven comfortably leaned back into the sofa and eyed her friends. If she could sense his keyed up emotions, she displayed no indication. “Are you expanding your studio or not?”

“Oh, yeah. Like I said we hit a few snags when we opened one of the old walls and discovered that the piping needed replacing. Most of the pipes are ancient like Gotham,” Tracy made a face and took a hearty swig from her cosmopolitan. “I’m talking to some contractors to see what can be done,”

Raven frowned. “Didn’t they tell you about the piping issue when they sold you the adjacent complex?”

Lady X rolled her eyes and leaned back into her seat with a sigh of exasperation. Some of her silver bracelets clinked as she moved around. “They did but we didn’t expect that it’d be that bad.” She shrugged and sent Tim an annoyed look. “Some of these brokers are just lying assholes, you know,”

Tim blinked trying to catch up with the conversation. Admittedly he was a bit miffed at the normalcy of the conversation on renovation work in the middle of a BDSM club. But then again, what did he expect to hear tonight? “I’m sorry, I’m not following?” he blinked and offered them an apologetic smile.

“Tracy owns an art studio,” Raven explained and took a tiny sip from her mojito. “They’re expanding the studio but hit some snags along the way,”

Tim nodded. “You’re an artist? That’s amazing,” he said. Tracy blushed at the praise while Lady X seemed to beam with pride. Leaning forward over the table just a little bit, she grinned at Tim.

“She painted all of this,” she said and waved a perfectly manicured hand over her body. “Such a talented artist, my little pet is,” she practically purred and sent Tracy a fond smile.

Tim blinked and ignored the pet endearment. Briefly glancing at Raven, he shared an amused smile with her, and looked at the intricate leopard body paint on the woman’s body. He nodded and smiled at them. “That’s really beautiful,” he said.

“Thanks,” Tracy beamed. She fiddled with her empty cosmopolitan glass. “So yeah, I’m trying to get something arranged with a few contractors to fix the old piping. We tore down a few walls to open up the space and discovered the piping was rusty and not up to building code. We need that fixed before we can proceed with expansion renovations of the annex building,”

“You could also go after the guys who sold you the place. If they were not totally upfront with the issues of the complex you’re getting, maybe there’s something that could be done?” suggested Tim. And he immediately went into details of some legal remedies they could take.

“Oh wow. Okay,” Tracy nodded and released a deep breath. “That sounds like something we could do,”

Tim took a sip of the last of his scotch and offered her a smile. “Talk to your lawyer to figure something out,”

Lady X sent Raven a look and her black eyes sparkled mischievously under the dim orange lights. “Looks like your new friend is pretty useful,” she said.

Raven chuckled and shrugged. “Looks like it,” she said playfully and the two shared a smile.

A man dressed in nothing but black appeared next to their table suddenly. The words ‘Dungeon Monitor’ were written across a bright orange sash he wore. “The St. Andrew’s Cross is ready for you, Lady X,” he said before turning around and heading back to the pleasure areas.

“Wonderful,” Lady X clapped her hands and stood up. “Come, my pet,” Tim watched as Lady X bent over just a little bit and hooked one of her fingers through the large silver hoop that hung from Tracy’s collar. She tugged the woman into a standing position and gently pulled her away from their table. “You’ll come watch us?” she asked them over her shoulder.

“Watch?” Tim breathed, his brain catching up with what that truly meant.

Raven smiled and shrugged at the woman. “We’ll try to catch up. Enjoy,”

The woman in leopard body paint shrugged with a smile. “Your loss,” she said before roughly tugging Tracy through the crowd.

Tim watched them disappear around the corner and into one of the pleasure corners, or dungeons, he wasn’t all too sure. They were likely the same – and did they just invite them to watch them? He stared at the corner for a second too long.

“Curious?”

Raven’s voice brought him back from his thoughts and Tim turned back to Raven, and finally, finally¸ got a better look at her as she turned her full attention towards him and shifted in her seat to face him. She was dressed in a plain leather white corset and tiny white booty shorts that really left nothing to the imagination. He was sure he stared a second too long, as Raven tilted her head expectantly and the corners of her eyes crinkled just a little bit in amusement.

“Oh,” Tim breathed and felt his ears ring just a little bit. He watched her shift gracefully in her seat and folded one of her legs under her as she faced him. “I don’t know,” he said honestly. He swallowed nervously and surveyed the crowd of naked people around them. “I’m honestly not sure why I came back,”

Raven shrugged and idly took a sip from her mojito. “That’s okay. It’s a lot to take in,” she said. She offered him a small smile. “It’s nice you’re back though,”

Something stirred inside of him and Tim smiled lightly. “Yeah?”

Raven tilted her head lightly and her eyes shone under the dim lights. They could hear the loud cracks of a whip through the air, and Tim watched her gaze slip over his shoulder. Her lips curled just a tiny bit. He swallowed as a thought crossed his mind – did she want that? He felt heart jump into his throat at the stray thought and watched a languid smile grow on her lips as her attention turned back to him. “How do you like it so far?” she asked as she propped her left elbow on the back of the sofa and dropped her chin into her hand, eyeing him in amusement.

“I got good company,” Tim chuckled as Raven snorted softly. He absently fiddled with his glass before placing it on the table. “I’m surprised how normal conversations are here,”

“What? The building expansions? What did you think we’d talk about here?” Raven asked teasingly. She watched Tim look around briefly and take in the people milling around the lounge area. “I don’t know,” he replied as he turned back to Raven.

Raven smiled assuringly. “Clubs like these are close to any other club. What makes places like these special is the level of trust and respect that goes into these places and among the patrons. You come here as yourself, you can explore and enjoy what you like – with appropriate safety limits – and there’s no judgement. Just as safe space for being yourself. With the level of trust and respect that goes into places like these, you’d be surprised how much safer they are compared to your regular clubs,” she said. She looked around briefly before turning back to Tim. “Consent is important here.”

“I noticed that,” said Tim, nodding his head in agreement. He did see how vastly more respectful the crowd was here compared to any other club he had been too. He turned his attention back to her, taking in how comfortable, and alluring, she looked. “So, I’m a Random Biker, what are you?” he asked playfully.

Raven laughed, a sound he was growing to quite like hearing, and titled her head making the little plastic halo dance over her head. “I thought it’d be funny to dress like an angel, all things considering,” she said.

“You make a pretty impressive angel,” he said before he could really think it through. They both paused, ambient techno music falling over them, and they shared a look. Tim watched as Raven’s lips lifted into a small, pleasant smile.

“Were you able to have a look around?” she asked suddenly.

Tim shook his head. “No, when I saw you three I just about arrived.”

“Well then,” Raven breathed and offered him a mysterious smile. The ambient techno music shifted into a louder dance beat and the crowd cheered. “You’re not busy tonight, finally,” she began and leaned into his space just a little bit. He could faintly smell her lavender perfume. “Let’s go have a look around tonight.”

He watched her gracefully stand up and Tim was sure his breath caught in his throat as she stood before him in nothing but her leather corset. He knew it was impolite to stare, but – she was a sight. It was mindboggling to see such a different side of Raven from all the years he had known her – and he would be lying to say he was thirsty to see this side of her more.

As a muted groan drifted through the air and the two shared a look, and Tim admitted that yes, he was curious. So damn curious – he was Tim Drake after all.

“Sure,” he said. He stood up next to her and Raven beamed, bending over and picking up something discarded on the table. A thin riding crop.

Despite her strappy heels, Raven barely came up to his chin. She tilted her head up just a little bit and Tim watched as the shadows of some of the spider decorations danced across her collarbones and cheeks. He held his breath. She held the riding crop in her hands and smiled. “Great, let’s make sure you have fun tonight,” she told him softly.

Tim desperately wanted to know what that meant.

[the-nysh]

At what point in the story you started liking Garou as a character? What was his first impression on you and how did it changed later as the story progressed?

Oooh! What a GREAT question, I’m so glad you asked! ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ (Cause yes, my perceptions of him certainly did change over time! And that’s one of the fun things I love to see happen with other opm fans too.) So let’s see…*pulls up a chair and shovel to dig thru nearly 5yrs of archives* where to begin~

It was definitely a gradual process (so buckle in, this is gonna be a looong chronological trip thru memory lane. About 3500~ words!)

First impressions

Early on (and cause I’m skeptical to most new characters who I don’t ‘know’ yet), I remember feeling kinda like ‘huh? Who the heck is this guy? This wannabe Hiruma-lookalike (recognizing some of Murata’s recycled Eyeshield 21 char design elements for him) with some silly double Vegeta hair? The hell does he think he’s doing??’ Beyond being kinda incredulous about him, I honestly didn’t really give him much passing thought or attention either, and definitely not anything on a deeper level yet. He was just kinda there (I suppose?), but also out there forcefully (cockily and somewhat annoyingly?) inserting himself as the ‘villain’ into the story at times (which wasn’t really my thing), seemingly WAY in over his head with reckless antics and overambitious about what he was claiming to be and challenging himself to do (which I thought seemed both ridiculous and ironic to set up like that when characters like Saitama exist to directly check/refute his aims).

So at the time I wasn’t fully ‘on board’ or invested much in his story/concept yet cause I hadn’t really seen him…define himself (beyond those first impressions) into his own fleshed-out character. Because he still kept reminding me too much of other characters (I even heard him with Hiruma’s voice) rather than breaking out on his own. Murata’s early art also had yet to really evolve and settle him into his own distinguishable ‘face’ for that matter too (he would though later, when he’d draw ‘Garou’ recognizable as himself and not like…‘Hiruma’s shadow’ anymore). So with all that coming in, it’s hard to ‘see’ or genuinely ‘like’ a char at first when they haven’t done much yet to distinguish themselves from others and grow into their own. (Oho, how time will tell~)

This impression of Garou hadn’t really changed much and continued all thru the Metal Bat fight, by the way. (I actually caught up to the manga around the time Murata introduced MB with the centipedes and was about to start his fight with Garou. Events which weren’t on my highest priority to see either, cause I still mostly preferred seeing Saitama + Genos interact instead.) But on a surface level, I at least knew Garou was fun/impressive to watch and his excitable/feral energy was infectious and entertaining (Murata really knew how to hype him up too), but other than that, I’d yet to really ‘like’ him on his own (enough to talk/blog about) still.

I first eased into reblogging stuff with him back in Oct 2016, which included the first reblog of his back muscles (lol) appreciating how Murata drew him facing Watchdog Man so ksjggh that part of the story (when Murata was teasing their fight) was also when Garou starting having a presence on my blog. :O

First turning point

However, I distinctly remember the first ‘aha I see now’ point in understanding him better was when I did a second reread of the webcomic. (I don’t exactly remember when that was, but probably sometime during the tournament arc when the pace was kinda dragging, so I prob reread the wc around then for fun.) It was around early-April 2017 when I later admitted that (in the tags):

I’ve come to really like Garou, a second read of the webcomic made me fond of him, of his background and ideas he wished to set out and change, his heart was in it and he had his set of morals, but he was young and brashly took the wrong path, I really want to see him return someday now that he's learned better

Cause following the big webcomic reveal at the end of his arc (when Saitama calls him out), going back thru his entire story again you could totally spot all the consistent hints and signs (from both his backstory and actions) ONE sprinkled the entire time, making everything revealed about him true, and not suddenly sprung up outta nowhere. It was finally like ‘aaah, I understand what’s up with him and can sympathize where he’s coming from. Yes that makes sense. :O’ However, this clarity/acknowledgment had yet to shift from simply ‘seeing’ or understanding a thing as knowledge, to actually feeling it (connecting on a deeper/personal level) later. That’ll remain a big distinction.

May 2017, I first started writing some early meta break downs about him, starting with his end-arc parallels in Suiryu’s despair moment and from this, there was acknowledgement how all ONE’s manga additions (up til then this was still all tournament arc stuff) were only building further context towards what’s to come much later on in the webcomic.

June 2017, I started posting stream coverage about him (vs Watchdog Man stuff when he intercepts King and Saitama.) Around this time I also admit this kinda stuff in tags ‘goodness how I love that this nerd has a soft spot for that kid (truthfully he's not monstrous at all)’ for appreciating the manga’s wholesome extra Tareo moments.

Second big turning point

Around Sept-Oct 2017 was when post content/stream coverage kinda started exploding during the whole vs A/B heroes + shed fight. This whole sequence, following the tournament arc, was the first big long-awaited return back to the wc’s script (with style!), but with significant expansions (esp to his character) never seen before. In particular, the bullet shielding moment was changed/revised from him simply standing there in the wc, to Garou protecting Tareo in the shed.

Truly awesome and moving because dang, he selflessly put his life on the line for that ‘Garou the determinator fending off the impossible while protecting a kid ;o;’ Firmly standing up to (injustices) and revealing his solid moral core, like wow, what a guy. <3

Murata’s stream output picked up significantly back then too (compared to his slower pace drawing the previous arcs), so I also admitted: ‘gosh been cheering for Murata's hard work just like Garou's in-chapter determination!’

But also cause this whole fight was like the first actual, legit demonstration (shown, not told) of Garou’s prodigious fighting skills, intelligence, tenacity, resourcefulness, perseverance, etc. Like this is what he’s actually capable of when pushed to the brink; testing the actual quality of his character (showing his true colors) and allowing those merits to shine while under unfavorable, difficult, and desperate conditions. And all impressively done in a way to make the audience both believe it and root for him (presented from his side much like a protagonist? Wild! 8D) It was extremely thrilling and badass (truly that whole shed part was brilliant, narratively and spectacle-wise. As I’ve repeatedly gone back to write about many times and again. :’D) My impressions of Garou around this time:

yoooo boi see I really like Garou, the wild prodigy determinator with a misguided goal, going all out and demonstrating his talent and prowess (even tho he gets in over his head), PROTECTING CHILDREN WHEN HE PRETENDS HE DOESN'T CARE, omfg what a softie (as Saitama would say) :'D, yaaa see he was never a 'real' monster at all, Saitama can see straight through him, and what he REALLY wants to achieve

Dec 2017, first started getting some sporadic Garou anons after the whole epic manga spectacle vs Genos + Bang + EC fight with everyone.

Jan 2018, back when Garou was captured in the MA base and then left to his own devices above ground…things started getting really interesting. Including noticing ONE’s more careful (or perhaps more transparent?) approach to writing Garou’s manga portrayal this time around. Different and more nuanced from the wc for instance, so there were many fascinating contradictions and complexities to uncover (break down meta-wise) about his convictions, beliefs, thoughts, feelings, and how he applied those thru his actions and behavior (revealing decisive acts of character). This was when @gofancyninjaworld also started joining in to discuss and explore Garou’s ongoing dilemma with his goals and mindset. “His heart is in the right place, but his means are not, because at his core, he’s not a monster.” I admitted ‘Garou’s one of the most well-written characters in the story, I feel.’ And I was really looking forward to all the significant changes ONE was doing to make his manga story all the more defined and cohesive than it already was in the wc. That made things extra engaging (when there’s a desire to look deeper into things for fun and excitement for more).

Third turning point

Feb 2018 Oooh man. It was around here, (when Garou saves Tareo from the bullies and confronts RR and Bug God) that I was really starting to feel that shift happening (the impression of him turning into something more), so I had to comment on his ongoing characterization presented thus far (budding into a well-rounded, 3 dimensional character) and how ONE was (re)writing him in a more personal, sympathetic light that made him so easy to root for and genuinely likeable. I was fully AWARE of this happening and what both Murata and ONE were doing to increase his appeal. Admitting the more they revealed of him the more I was falling deeper for him, and fully welcoming it by narrative design. (Like alright let’s goooo! 8’D) Cause it was obvious how much differently and expansive he was getting portrayed vs the wc (with much less moral ambiguity). I said:

“Garou’s not simply a rogue, prodigious teen going on a spiteful rampage with an overconfident, slasher smile. Consistently, he’s been shown what really makes him tic: what gets him serious, passionate, sincere, and desperate – things that force his hand to either fight or defend against, with standards and ideals that he’d put his life on the line for. All of it is great: a variety of expressive emotions and definitive acts of character that all build towards the whole. Which we’re then left to ponder exactly what that is. Is he truly a villain or a hero? Is he really a troublemaking bad guy or actually a misguided ‘nice guy’? The answer isn’t so black and white; it’s more like a mix of ALL of the above. And I LIKE that. As ONE has presented him, Garou is Garou, and not really someone to align or classify as simply one or the other. He’s in that kind of delicious gray zone where he’s getting put to the brink to show his true colors. And it’s so GOOD and refreshing to see.”

That plus the manga showing his deeper bond with Tareo, his gruffly protective qualities (ok but that’s kinda hot?) and a more sincere showing of his morals (which he refused to budge on no matter what anyone else ordered him to do), brought on all the feels. :’)

Stream coverage + ch commentary devolved to like unintelligible screaming, with some ‘man he’s so fucking cool,’ or ‘damn protective Garou’s SOO good,’ or ‘I swear the more Murata draws of him the more I fall for him like wtf,’ or even the flat out ‘GODDAMMIT MURATA ;A;’ types of suffering reactions, ahaha.

At this point I was all ‘bring on the Garou appreciation; he deserves it; I have a mighty NEED’ but was kinda annoyed/frustrated with the fandom cause there was hardly any recent fan content of him (relevant to his current plot progression, it was all suspiciously dry or old ship-related content I wasn’t interested in cause the plot had moved on, so I was like omg where is everybody, hello?!) It was already a dry spell in between seasons so overall fan content was slow anyway, but it seemed like there were so few actual fans of him (to my confusion?!) So I started making my own content (beyond just the stream coverage and ch reactions/commentary + meta) with the expression posts appreciation.

March 2018. U-uhoh, things (and posting frequency especially) were starting to escalate. His reaction to literally getting backstabbed by the monsters and losing Tareo (his quiet but seething controlled feral rage) definitely had me feeling™ things.

Final nail in the coffin

April 2018 Oshit;; Garou forcefully storming and bulldozing his way thru the MA base, his awesome BIG DAMN HEROES moment rescuing Tareo from Royal Ripper, to his hilarious absolute tsundere™ moment denying it (before running into Rover and immediately protecting the kid again) pretty much destroyed me. This was also like the first time I’d seen ONE make a character go full tsundere mode and pull it off in a genuine comedic way (with the classic ‘it’s not like I came here to save you or anything baka’ line and all) so pfft, that was so much endearing icing on the cake. :’D

At this point someone even asked me who’s my favorite opm character, to which I was all, ‘Garou’s current manga content has been on fire so he’s been quickly skyrocketing into my favs (if he wasn’t there already)!’

But then Murata soon dropped THIS ‘protect the child’ page all with perfect timing, and I was…fucking doomed.

'sugoi ojisan' was pretty much the moment of instant death for me ;A; my constant reaction to the streams has been that gaijin 4koma meme with laser heart eyes for emphasis, and I'm pretty much losing my ability to articulate much beyond screaming at this rate

Garou’s behavior could then be summarized as ‘a very stubborn and in denial asshole tsundere little shit nerd. <3’ But there was classic ONE heartwarming irony in there too, cause Garou hadn’t fully ‘lost’ his battles either…during those critical times where he actually assumed the role of the ‘hero’ for Tareo instead. (Oho~)  

basically Garou is a great character, the more you look into how ONE has built him the more meta af it gets

May 2018 (the long-awaited debut of the wc ‘scarf’ vs Rover towards Garou vs Orochi’s epic wtfshitstorm) lolwhoops~ I finally made the inevitable back muscles compilation while also writing longer, more in depth meta posts about him.

Murata delivered some of the best stream content we’ve seen of him. (Completely on FIRE, both literally and figuratively. And looking back, this was probably some of the most fun Murata’s stream sessions ever got. :’D Was awesome to be a fan tuning in during this time.)

even Murata was doodling chibis of himself freaking out in the margins XD

Delivering content from the pose of peak badassery…to dropping stream doodles of peak heartwarming/cuteness (Garou & Tareo in suits) on the fans for good measure.

bam Murata’s out to kill us with his art ...Murata can you like -maybe- chill? ABSOLUTELY NOT

Basically Murata knew exactly what he was doing, always delivering and servicing the fans (drawing the coke bottle was a fan suggestion too) yet also remaining a huge tease~

Towards S2 and beyond

June 2018, following the Orochi fight, Garou was put on a bus and absent from the manga for a while, so I went back revisiting older content again (rereading the manga for fun) and realizing/noticing/wondering stuff I hadn’t really caught about him before like…oh no why is he cute?? Was he always this way or had my eyes finally opened after everything??? (Cause aside from him being a little shit or a cool badass, he was also a complete dork and a nerd, and an oblivious dummy, and just…that was so…wtf endearing, a full package of fun to enjoy.)

But we soon got clips of Midorikawa’s voice reveal (from the opm drama cd) and all hell broke loose among the resident Garou fans. 8’D Especially cause his voice was ‘dark/smooth/mature/sexy’ as opposed to a higher-pitched, unhinged teen voice many had expected (remember that old Hiruma voice I first thought for him? So interestingly many fanboys were disappointed with this deeper voice casting). But also cause Midorikawa said “I’ll do my best to make Garou even more charming than before,” so we were excited to see Garou’s popularity spike even more cause of s2.

Aug 2018, the s2 key visual revealed with Garou prominently featured up and center and I WAS NOT PREPARED!!! I remember having like a full hyper-incoherent breakdown because of this so…yeaaaaah. 8’D I was all rationalizing,

If anything it’s all Murata and ONE’s fault that (the hype and appreciation for him) feeling’s grown even stronger. He was already a thoroughly fun walking meta source, but the manga made his softer/compassionate moments much more obvious (than in the wc). Just watch as this badass dorky nerd becomes even more hugely popular than he already is!

April 2019 was his anime debut…coincided with his post-arc WEBCOMIC DEBUT AFTER 5 FUCKING YEARS (before he even returned in the manga even) IMPECCABLE timing from ONE, holy shit people lost their minds. Including Murata, who had to draw him too! With all that and the anime airing (adding even more wholesome cute Tareo interactions not seen in the manga), fandom participation (+anons) really started to kick off.

I remember seeing the influx of new fans and how so many (who didn’t ‘know’ him yet either) would unironically label him as genuinely ‘evil’ or a ‘heinous villain’ at face value, which….uhhhhhh were the kinda takes that were hard to take seriously, but I appreciated how ONE’s writing allowed the readers to see and think for themselves as the narrative revealed more (rather than believing everything the characters said or claimed), so it’d only be a matter of time until they ‘saw’ the truth about him too. :’)

May-July 2019 the anime continued airing with fandom activity popping, until August when he finally reappeared and ‘awoke’ in the manga! ;A; After like an entire full year of him mia too. This was also the time frame when all the thirsty (and interestingly meta-hungry) Garou anons started (finding me???) regularly chiming in with fun participation. I was grateful though, cause they prompted certain takes I couldn’t have come up with on my own, and allowed me to think, examine, and explain things much more closely and thoroughly than I had ever posted before. (Yaaay~) Such as looking into just what IS it about him?!

“Garou wouldn’t be as compelling, engaging, and appealing as a character without (all) those other interesting layers and nuances to talk about too! :D It’s even better that way! Cause Murata can draw everyone looking drop-dead gorgeous and conventionally attractive, so just having a pretty face and impressive muscles isn’t enough to make him stand out in a special way from the rest of the cast. Already all those things (about him) are certainly impressive, so just what is it about him in particular? (That makes him unique.) The fact Garou has all that AND those other compassionate & interesting qualities to him just makes it the icing on the cake for a complete, well-rounded package. The fact we can know him, for all his feelings and attitude why he behaves and acts the way he does, such as when he’s contradictory, troubled and tsundere-like sometimes, to hardcore and badass other times, to softer and empathetic to fiercely righteous, protective and determined other times, and all portrayed in the way he’s capable of the range (and makes us feel) the entire spectrum of emotion too. …Like whoa (I could keep going but I’d be preaching to the choir at that point aha), all that only enhances what’s already there. In this way, I feel the Garou we’ve come to know by now is much more endearing and appealing than the one we were introduced to at the start. Because as he appeared then, he may have seemed like just another wannabe thug-of-the-week we might not have given much passing thought & attention to. But now…uhoh, you could arguably say he’s grown to the point he’s almost taken over the rest of the manga (within good reason!) by challenging our perception of who’s even the active protagonist. :O Who keeps us engaged and tuned in to see more. Buaha, just what the hell happened?! Now that’s quite the impressive feat from both ONE and Murata to create a character with a lasting impact like that!”

…So that’s what happened. :’D In my opinion, I feel Garou’s best moments where we (or really, I) got to know him better (shed scene, Elder Centipede aftermath, dine n dash, rescuing Tareo, all up towards his fights vs Rover & Orochi) mostly only happen until after s2 so… Since those were some of my absolute fav manga moments (which only enhanced my perceptions of him), those’ll be the moments I’m really looking forward to see animated in s3. But most of all, I’m hoping to witness some of that same ‘aha!’ gradual realization process happen to newer fans who come to appreciate him too. :’3

[lcvebuilt]

featuring:  finn  mikaelson,  henrik  mikaelson,  klaus  mikaelson tagging: @ofisolaticn, @ofprinciples, @aregentsruin summary:  a family get together turns into chaos, as all mikaelson events do warnings: ugly formatting & mikaelson angst  

finn mikaelson

all  things  considered,  his  life  hasn't  been  horrible  since  his  return  to  the  land  of  the  living.  complicated  maybe,  given  the  intricacy  of  his  relationship  with  his  siblings,  but  otherwise  he's  had  very  few  complaints.  even  christmas  was  a  positive  occasion,  a  mikaelson  event  that  ended  with  minimal  bloodshed  and  catastrophe.  a  first  for  them.  maybe  it's  that  which  has lulled  him  into  a  false  sense  of  security;  a  belief  that  this  meeting  will  be  fine,  will  not  go  awry.   before  christmas  he'd  been  smart;   he'd  fed  before  leaving  the  house,  doing  his  best  to  quiet  the  unforgiving  hunger  that  plagued  him  while  he  spent the  day  with  his  siblings ...  especially  those  who  were,  in  ways, walking  carotid  arteries  he  longed  to  drain.   he'd  managed,  so  perhaps  that  was  why  he  hadn't  felt  it  necessary  to  do  the  same on  this  day.    (  it  was  a  mistake  ) he's  not  sure  if  it's  the  hunger  or  his  paranoia  that  sees  him  shifting  in  his  seat,  feeling  like  someone's  turned  a  heat  lamp  over  top  of  him  and  left  him  to  wilt.   henrik's  talking  about  something,  a  new  boyfriend  maybe,  or  something  about  work,  but  all  finn  can  hear  is  the  sound  of  the  blood  pumping  in  his  veins.   he  remembered  how  good  it  had  tasted,  how  it  had  left  him  hungry  for  more.    this  is  his  brother,  so  he's  trying  to  resist,  but  the  harder  he  tries  the  more  difficult  it  becomes.   suddenly  he  misses  the  buffer  of  the  rest  of  their  family,  prays  for  distractions  to  give  him  something  else  to  focus  on.   (  his  prayers  are  never  answered.  )   

henrik mikaelson

being a mikaelson, especially of late, had been something good. at least, in henrik's eyes. he had a family, being apart of a family. there was nothing like it. it wasn't like his first ten years, they were no longer vikings, and they were far from the people they had been back then. new forms of their very self, and it wasn't a bad thing. it was growth. sure there were downs too, but just as many if not more, ups. the christimas dinner? it was something he'd never done before, and it was something he'd never forget. a fond memory he would hold onto, tight and close to his chest. when he'd been called for a family meeting, of sorts, he was kind of excited. it was silly to be, he knew. but he looked forward to seeing his family, he enjoyed every moment of having them after having nothing for so long. then there was finn. finn was the oldest, sans freya who henrik had yet to meet. he remembered being small when finn had been large and looming. now they were of similar heights. all too different, but still brothers. so, he spoke to him. it wouldn't hurt to pass the time, now would it? he spoke about grayson, he spoke about how he'd stolen a christimas tree with a guy named zain, he spoke about levi and he spoke about what he had for breakfest and how he tried and failed to make hashbrowns (he'd always been a shitty cook). "finn?" he asked, catching finn's gaze. well, it was actually lack of gaze, he caught. "you okay?"

finn mikaelson 

his  name  draws  him  from  his  obsessions,  his  head  rising  as  he  nods.  tight,  resolute.  "  yeah,  i'm  fine.  you  said  you  stole  something  with  someone. "    he  did  pick  up  on  some  things,  but  focusing  has  been  —  admittedly  —  rather  difficult.   or  rather  he  is  focused,  but  he's  focused  on  the  wrong  thing.   "  sounds  like  you've  had  an  eventful  few  weeks. "    there's  guilt  in  his  voice,  knowing  that  he  has  been  part  of  it.   it's  hard  for  him  to  reconcile  the  henrik  from  their  youth  with  the  henrik  today,  a  child  who'd  been  taken  too  soon  now  a  fully  grown  man.   maybe  that's  why  at  first  there  was  a  disconnect,  why  he  couldn't  necessarily  trick  his  mind  into  ensuring  that  he  didn't  hurt  him.   (  he  cares.   it's  because  he  cares  that  he  knows  he  has  to  be  careful.  ) "  i'm  fine. "   more  wishful  thinking  than  truth,  a  lump  swallowed  past  as  he  clears  his  throat.  mind  over  matter.    he's   a  mikaelson,  he  knows  what  they're  capable  of;   great  destruction,  yes,  but  also  an  incredible  perseverance  to  overcome  adversity.   if  he  focuses  on  the  latter,   maybe  he'll  make  it  through,  find  a  way  to  resist  his  instinctual  impulses  and  prioritize  family  over  everything  else  ...  even  base  instincts.     "  long  day. "

henrik mikaelson 

"yeah." he wasn't convinced. he knew that disinterred look in the others eye. it was something he became familiar with after working with so many kids over the years. but finn wasn't one of his kids. and henrik didn't want to press the topic more than it needed to be pressed. "yeah, i didn't think that one totally through but it all worked out in the end." it'd been his first christimas tree, and one he had cherished. it didn't look too snazzy, but henrik made do. "yeah." he gave a firm nod of his head. "all types of eventful and hectic. there's this kid i've known since he was a teenager, he's all grown up now and seeing him is just... crazy." he wondered if that was what it was like for his siblings. seeing him as a dead 10 year old to a fully grown 27 year old man. not an easy transition. then again, they were more experienced with transition than henrik. besides the obvious, there was also their transition into the centuries as time went on. his family had to adjust time and time again, and they always made it through. it was an accomplishment, at least henrik thought so. "you wanna talk about it?" he offered, also quick to add. "we also don't have to though, if you don't wanna." he needed to make it clear, they didn't have to talk. not if finn didn't want to. "i mean, i know we still have a lot to learn about each other but i- i am here."

finn mikaelson 

there's  irony  that  brings  a  half-smile  to  his  features.   a  nice  distraction,  one  he  welcomes.   "  i  know  the  feeling.   it's  hard  to  reconcile  the  person  they  are  now  with  the  person  you  remember.   when  i  saw  freya  again,  after  so  long  believing  she  was  lost  to  us,  it  felt  like  a  dream.    or  a  nightmare,  because  we'd  lost  so  much  time. "   the  truth  had  been  a  rude  awakening,  the  first  indicator  that  their  mother  hadn't  always  had  their  best  interests  at  heart.   she'd  gambled  with  their  lives  and  had  given  up  her  daughter,  something  he  found  difficulty  accepting  even  now.   he  may  always  be  a  mama's  boy,  but  even  he  could  see  the  darkness  in  her  now  --  and  how  she  brought  it  out  in  the  rest  of  them. "  no,  but  thank  you. "   he  shakes  his  head,  a  grateful  look  shot  in  his  direction  all  the  same.   there's  no  easy  way  to  tell  your  brother  that  his  presence  tests  your  wavering  restraint,  not  without  a  healthy  helping  of  guilt  accompanying  it.    he  doesn't  want  that  for  henrik,  not  with  things  as  new  and  fragile  as  they  are.     speaking  of  new  and  fragile  —   niklaus  had  news,  which  is  why  they've  been  called  here.   news  which  makes  him  nervous,  because  hardly  ever  is  news  good  when  it  comes  to  their  family.    (  his  paranoia  swells.  )     "  it's  nothing  major,  just  some  adjustment  issues.   coming  back  from  the  dead  isn't  as  seamless  as  it  once  was. "   he  cracks  a  smile,  the  joke  easy.      "  speaking  of  adjustment,  we've  been  talking  around  the  reason  why  we're  all  here.   call  me  cynical,  but  am  i  wrong  in  assuming  the  likely  cause  is  some  new  and  unexpected  threat? "     it  always  was. 

henrik mikaelson 

finn's words made it feel... different. the ease in which he spoke, the wisdom, another reminder to henrik just what a difference there was between them. freya, finn spoke of her and henrik listened. "tell me," he began. "i mean you don't have to tell me but--- what's she like? freya." he wondered if she had the temper of niklaus and rebekah, calm like elijah and finn, or maybe whimsical like kol. he wondered if he himself shared any traits in common with her. his lips pressed together, a small nod of his head. "there's so much i don't know. and there's so much that i'll just never learn because there's just so so much." he could tell them every moment of his life, all he could remember. but they'd never be able to do the same, it was too much to recount. he nodded, taking finn's answer in stride without any push or complaint. hopefully, finn knew that if he ever changed his mind, henrik would be there. at finn's words, he cracked a smile. well, half a smile. a bit tired, a bit mused, very fond. "tell me about it." it was a joke, and it fit because henrik knew too. not an easy process. "you know what helped me? tv. lots of it. sitcom's are very educational when you don't know like, anything." he chuckled at a memory. "i learned what a frying pan was when i watched spongebob." though it soon occured to him that finn may not even know what the yellow blob that defined so many childhoods was. a deep breath because yeah, finn was right. "as opposed to old and expected," not the best joke, or the best place for it, but he needed to slack some lightness into the topic of someone wanting to murder their whole family. "but yeah. i don't know the details, but i think so." it was unnerving, to say the very least.

finn mikaelson 

"  as  a  child,  we  grew  up  together.   she  was  so  full  of  life  —  so  when  we  lost  her,  it  was  devastating. "   even  now,  centuries  removed,  the  scar  lingers.   the  loss  of  freya  as  children  had  kept  him  at  distance  from  his  other  siblings,  the  fear  of  loving  and  losing  the  people  he  held  dear  too  great.  in  ways  he's  been  course  correcting  as  an  adult,  trying  to  repair  damaged  relationships  that  he  himself  holds  responsibility  in  destroying.   it  was  too  easy  to  shoulder  the  blame  onto  others  in  his  youth,  to  turn  an  ignorant  eye  away  from  his  own  actions.   he  likes  to  think  he's  wiser  now;  better,  even  in  his  shortcomings.   (  though  as  he  tries  to  do  better,  his  suspicions  never  die.   he  has  plans  on  plans,  refuses  to  let  anyone  get  the  better  of  him  should  tides  ever  turn.  )    "  she's  fiercely  protective  of  those  she  loves.   she's  the  best  of  us. "    the  most  human.    it's  something  he  envies,   and  admires.    "  i  think  you'd  like  her.    her  wife,  too. "  the  idea  of  sitting  down  and  watching  tv  seems  ...  laughable.   he  doesn't  laugh  though,  simply  quirks  his  brow  in  amusement.  "  i  suppose  i've  done  similarly  with  books.   i  can't  say  i  know  anything  about  spongebobs  though."     he  thinks,  perhaps,  maybe  they'll  learn   from  each  other ...  though  he's  not  sure  he  necessarily  wants  to  learn  everything  about  this  modern  age.   the  more  he  sees,  the  less  he  likes.    "  old  and  expected  is  usually  an  inevitability.  especially  when  the  dead  don't  seem  to  stay  so. "     he  shrugs,  a  resigned  tilt  to  his  shoulders.(edited)

finn mikaelson 

he  had  said  he  would  keep  an  open  mind  through  this,  would  listen  and  try  to  curb  any  anger  or  paranoia,  but  the  more  they  wait  the  worse  it  gets.    as  soon  as  his  younger brother  says  something,  the  casual  air  becomes  fraught  with  tension  as  he  straightens.     he  thinks  he  heard  him  say  something  about  white  oak,  but  that  can't  be  possible.    no,  he  must  be  mistaken.     he  can  hear  thudding  from  his  chest,  feel  the  slight  semblance  of  control  he's  been  wrestling  with  weaken.   he  stands  abruptly,  his  chair  knocked  down.   "  this  has  to  be  a  joke. "    his  voice  is  tight,  eyes  hot  with  anger.    "  this?  again? "     after  all  this  time,  maybe  nothing  had  changed  -  as  much as  he  wanted  to  believe  it  had.

henrik mikaelson 

he listened intently as finn spoke. sorrow befalling his expression as finn spoke of loosing her. henrik couldn't imagine that type of pain. his own loss of them was far different in experience. he'd woken up in a whole different world, a whole different life in between the loss of a life. a singular moment for the boy he'd been back then. it wasn't his life going on, collapsing it on itself with one of it's pillars removed. everything had been gone back then. and yes, it still hurt. but it was a type of pain different than what finn experienced. "it's never easy," he spoke, empathetic gaze. "it'll never be easy." even if you get them back. though, he was sure finn knew that. he probably knew it better then henrik himself. he smiled, as finn spoke of their sister. "she sounds fantastic." and he meant that too. "i can't wait to meet her, and her wife too." more family, the better. he enjoyed the extended family, he enjoyed being apart of it and having those bonds. he cared for it in ways he couldn't put into words. it was important, more so then most anything. he laughs as finn speaks. "maybe that's for the better." not all were fond of the tie wearing sponge after all. "any good books?" he asked, curious of his brother's taste. he doubted he would know any, his own taste wasn't too sophisticated after all. a nod of his head. "you have experience with this." not a question, but rather something apparent and obvious. henrik himself though, he was inexperienced to the supreme. he hoped such a trait was something he could amend fast. the chair fell down, and maybe if finn had said oops and seemed like he cared, henrik would be less startled. but alas, finn stood up with rigid posture and eyes hot with anger. "i--" he didn't even know what set him off. which words, which was spoken casually and apparently, unwisely. "hey, whatever it is, we'll figure it out." he assured, and believed it too.

finn mikaelson 

it  spins  out  from  here.  one  minute  he  feels  like  he  can  have  a  rational  conversation,  can  bond  with  his  brothers  about  books and  terrible  tv  shows  and  start  feeling  like  the  family  he'd  love  to  be,  but  in  the  next  he's  right  back  there  in  the  coffin;   trapped,  watching  the  lid  of  his  prison  as  the  world  goes  on  without  him.    he  doesn't  hear  anything  else,  can't  really  resonate  with  anything  that  is  actually  going  on  in  front  of  him.

his  head  snaps  in  henrik's  direction,  gaze  prickling  in  confusion  and  despair.    it's  helpless  that  he  feels,  helpless  and  petrified  at  the  thought  of  what  could  come  next,  of  what  is  maybe  an  inevitability,  as  his  eyes  darken.    "  don't  make  promises  you  can't  keep.  none  of us  can. "    he  staggers  backwards,  blocks  out  anything  else  that's  being  said.    (  the  paranoia  has  consumed  him,  he's  not  thinking  logically  anymore;  he'd  recognize it  if  he  could.  )     "  whenever  white  oak's  involved,  it  never  ends  well  for  any  of  us. "     he  swallows  hard,  looks  between  his  brothers.    "    explain,  niklaus. " 

the  explanation  comes,  and  his  paranoia  only  seems  to  escalate.   he's  still  as  a  statue,  eyes  boring  into  klaus.    there  may  be  white  oak,   it  might  be  in  the  hands  of  parties  unknown,  or  closer  to  home,  but  that's  not  what  gets  him.   "  you  searched  for  it. "    after  all  the  pain,  all  the  suffering,  he  still  sought  it  out.   "  you  can  say  it  was  a  precaution,  to  prevent  it  falling  into  the  wrong  hands,  but  you  and  elijah  —  you  always  decide  what's  best,  even  if  the  rest  of  us  suffer.   what's  to  say  you  don't  change  your  mind  and  decide  to  use  it  again? "     the  paranoia  has  paved  the  way  for  rage,  for  madness,  as  he  takes  a  step  forward.   "  i  won't  live  my  life  in  a  box,  niklaus.   not  again. "     he  can   see  henrik  moving,  grabs  his  arm  before  it  can  touch  him.    he  operates  purely  on  instinct,   the  horseman's  influence  getting  the  better  of  him  as  his  fangs  extend.     call it  desperation,  call  it  a  mistake;   however  it  swings,  he  wrenches  henrik  in  closer  and  goes  in  for  his  throat  —  for  the  kill.   (  is  he  exciting  enough  yet?   has  he  abandoned  the  dull  husk  he  was  suspected  to  be?  )     

 henrik mikaelson 

he didn't know enough to give true reassurance. all his words would come out faux, his inexperience prohibited him from being able to offer much of anything. he was moral support, a cheerleader. not an original vampire, not someone with years of experience, not someone who could offer up much of anything. well, he could walk in a house uninvited. but that came with the whole humanity thing in general. but he was a mikaelson. even if he lacked vampirism and power, he would stand by them. if they needed a fucking cheerleader, henrik would be that cheerleader. he'd do whatever he could provide. and in this moment, with finn aghast as he was as nik explained--- henrik knew what he could do. "finn," he began, considering his words. he saw finn's rage, saw an itching to fight. finn was angry, justifiably angry, but they didn't need to jump to fighting. not if henrik could help it. but apparently, he couldn't. because the moment he reached forward to attempt to touch his brother, to calm him down, finn swung. wrenching him closer, and then going for the bite. 

klaus mikaelson 

centuries of similar predicaments have taught him one thing: this is definitely going to go wrong. he knew what he was getting himself into ;  more or less. he can't say he expected the news of the threat they ALL face to plummet like this and to be turned, somehow, into yet another thing to hold against him. for him to become, once again, the enemy. and yet, as finn exhibits his rage, klaus is unable to resort to a simple ' this isn't true '. he answers fire with fire and, in this case, the wrath of one ignites his own. " keep up your ludicrous act and i might just change my mind, after all, " he seethes, darkly ( and irrationally ). " ah, yes. your box. perhaps it was that better part of your life spent rotting in there that fashioned you into a sensible fool? if i had any intention of earning the white oat stake for myself, for leverage, do you not think i would've done anything but convoke a meeting so that i may announce it to the world? " yeah, he's reasoning ( at last ). but he has a feeling it's too late. finn has always been unreasonable in klaus' eyes. but this time, it's different. he seems erratic and, most importantly, suddenly willing to hurt someone objectively deemed as innocent. it doesn't matter what they make of henrik. finn, in all his righteous glory, would never. luckily, klaus is faster. he flashes between the two of his brothers, with enough of a bump into henrik to send him toppling to the floor ( and away from finn ). his forearm is propped against finn's neck -- and the dagger he had up his sleeve now into his brother's chest. this isn't new. at the christmas dinner too, finn caused more than a ruckus. he's searching finn's gaze and finds no semblance of lucidity. something is happening, but it's something that draws danger to them all. ." i'm sorry, brother. " unlike all the other times, he is. his throat tightens in bitterness and he raises a palm to the side of finn's face, an attempt to offer some hollow comfort that might make it to the real finn as klaus plunges him to the realm of his worst nightmare. " i'll rid you of this. i won't let you rot way for centuries. not again. " " i promise. "

[thestrongestonethatgotaway]

Dear potential reader

Dear reader, in my first blog I wrote a letter to the person who abused me the most in my life. I did this because I could never safely say the words to him without endangering myself. I can never tell him and he will never know if it is up to me. I also did it because I wanted to pull myself out of a difficult situation. But the reasons why I put it online is because nobody in my family knows I have experienced this. They have no clue. I wanted to leave something behind so that they could one day find out what happened, should I ever disappear or if something ever were to happen to me that I cannot control. So maybe they can take a hint from my blog. I’ll leave them the option to discover this if they want to and discover who my letter might’ve been addressed to. The reason why I put both in Dutch and in English is because I talk to people from everywhere online. I find a bit of comfort in that, even though there is still such a great distance away from them. Whether I consider them friends or not, I prefer to keep that to myself. People come and go. Are you really friends if you know each other so superficially and then discover later that you do not like each other enough to keep in touch? I don’t think so, but in time such things can be exposed. Anyway, I don’t want to put too much focus on that.

My abuser is still out there somewhere and if he sees a chance to come back into my life, he will abuse it. The disguised messages I wrote about, were fairly recent. That is why I felt the need to write this blog. As a matter of fact, everything I have written is completely true. The words that I write about my soul, my heart and everything that happens in it are written very figuratively, but it still holds true to me. I've always been a dreamer and I can't hide that. What I wanted to express with that is that I am constantly changing. That I keep losing my inner voice and have to find it again. That little voice that knows what is good for me and what makes me happy. I wanted to express that I always hurt myself by living selflessly by counting myself away. That I have to keep thinking about how much that’s actually worth to me and how I should prioritize myself instead. That I have to take care of myself over and over again and find new ways to move on in life. That I have a hard time setting boundaries and dealing with people. That I sometimes live without really living and just go along with the flow, or sometimes even against it.

But there are a few strong qualities that I have: endurance, perseverance and vulnerability. I bear so much pain that sometimes I don't understand how it is humanly possible to handle all of that. Every time I wanted to kill myself, I could resist it and I kept saying it wasn't worth it. That I don't have to run away. That I can handle it and that I don't really want to step out of life. I acknowledged that what I felt was unbearable to drag along for the rest of my life, but I didn't have to. That there was a way to get rid of that terrible feeling. That feeling was a combination of sadness, anger, fear and despair. Sadness for the good times that I no longer experienced. Anger for the things that happen to me over which I have no control. Fear of what may have been waiting for me and despair, because I didn’t see a bearable way to live on. The fact that I was able to experience this emotional pain several times without responding to it, is what I call endurance. I have chosen again and again to live, even though I saw no way of doing it bearably. That is what I call perseverance. I was quite ashamed that I even considered dying afterwards and that I let myself be swept away by my emotions. But to this day I do not believe that it is entirely my fault and I try to forgive myself for that.

I am vulnerable, but how on earth is that a strong characteristic? I feel all my emotions with 10,000 volts without any way to escape it. I speak from the heart mostly. I’m a horrible liar if I chose to lie, which I often don’t do. I am completely imperfect and have allot of things troubling my mind. Problems that people with bad intentions can take advantage of, but only if I let it happen. But I am always myself. I am myself when I make mistakes. I am myself when I show remorse. I am myself when I try to run away from my problems. But I am also myself when I hold true to my promises. But most of all, I am myself when I pursue my dreams and desires in life. I will always do that no matter what. That is my strength. If I use my vulnerability to my own benefit, then I cannot be messed with. But I cannot promise that I can do this continuously, because at the end of the day I am no more than one of the many people walking the earth. I am not invincible. We all live in the same world and none of us is safe. Even if you locked up anyone who somehow abused me, I wouldn't be safe. too bad not all of them can run away to Berlin. That is actually what I’ve been trying to express.

But why do I call myself the strongest one that got away? I am not the strongest, certainly not, but it is my way of acknowledging my strength to survive on that moment he tried to kill me. For the moment that I saved myself on my own without the help or support of anyone else. I only owe that to myself. So I am stronger, but not invincible. I am stronger than him in many aspects, but I constantly forget, because he only needs 1 weak moment to completely destroy me.

What I actually try to take from it is that not everything is entirely my fault, but that I have to solve all my problems by myself. Abuse, violence and rape happen every day. Not to mention many other crimes in the world. Nobody wants it to happen to them. But the crimes that I mentioned have happened to me and I still have to live, knowing that this has happened to me. Crazy, right ?! Yes, that may be, but I don't want to live by only 10% of my capability every day of my life because I'm afraid to experience it again. That is also crazy. So what on earth can I do to guard myself without isolating myself from the entire population on Earth? I can live with my full attention in the moment and make myself aware of what is happening around me. A trick to become better at this is called meditation. That is something that everyone can practice and the professional doctors who tell me that I cannot because my IQ is below average, they may light their high-quality diploma on fire if you ask me, because they know absolutely nothing about Autism Spectrum Disorder. Nobody can contradict me in that because it is absolutely true that they have too little information about the disorder to treat their clients with it, because otherwise I would’ve likely been better off today. But I think certain things will always go unnoticed to me when I try to be attentive to my environment. I am not a superhero.. and that has nothing to do with my autism! That is human. I can still open up to people without sharing my vulnerability to them and decide whether I want to do that when I get to know someone. Then there is still a chance that something will get past my attention and that my vulnerability will show. I can flee or fight if there is a situation that requires me to do so, but there is not always a place to flee. Sometimes there are also threats that are too big for me to overcome. So will I ever have to pay for that horribly? Perhaps. But will I regret it? Never. So this is the way I want to live with it. Fear of threats that are not there are irrational. but I can feel it. Those fears were taught to me by my abuser, explicitly and implicitly. I also received them implicitly from other people I have had in my life. That is why I am not trying to keep my memories of events alive. I have not written about it in detail as you can see. That's because it's not important to me. What is important to me are the lessons that I learn and take with me in my life.

What I have learned is that I can choose to be sad, scared and desperate for as long as I want. I learned that even long before the events. I have learned that those tough, sad times can evoke even worse memories that make the situations even harder to deal with on their own. But the most important thing I learned is that I can find new strength if I just keep moving forward despite the sad view I have on life. If I just keep sulking and going through the motions of life without participating, everything will perhaps remain as difficult as it is to bear. It may even become harder to bear. But if I choose to be attentive, look for solutions, and try to take the initiative to get out of that bleak, tough situation, I may succeed. Maybe I can even pursue my dreams and discover joy in small improvements. That is worth everything to me.

Dear reader, you can form your own opinion. You can draw your own conclusions. You can do whatever you want. My hope is only that I have somehow been able to inspire you to move on with your life when you discover that you cannot seem to get out of a tough situation in your life. I wish you all the happiness, strength, love and friendship that the world can offer you.

[vicscratchpages]

Eml Writes His Name (Part 5)

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4 

Sun, Moon, and Stars. All found in the sky.  One ruling the day, two governing the night.  But the Sun was also a star, and was the same source of the Moon’s supposed light.  Eml pondered the mystery before him, surprised that a name could hold so much. He tried to remember the names of the Ways even though Aunt Tu’l had said it didn’t matter just yet.  That red eye was staring at him again.  He glanced at it only briefly, unsettled by the way it seemed to speak to secrets hidden in history.  

The middle rune looked a little like a cursive R with an infinity symbol attached to it.  Eml’s eyes drifted to the window, thinking of Myrdaven’s open skies.  That blue expanse somehow seemed further away in Gylraden—a lighter blue most days, sometimes almost bordering on white.  He wondered what the skies were like in Kolraven.  Perhaps Koteh would tell him.  

The last rune—although technically the first, if he had looked at them from left to right—was like a stick figure.  The only difference was that there was no head—only a straight line for the body, and diagonal lines for the arms and legs.  Eml’s gaze lingered on that card, but then drifted back to the middle rune.  

“This one,” he said. “Something about this card feels…big?”

“Big how?” Tu’l asked. “Important?”

“More like—spacious? Like there’s a lot of room, enough room for…”

For someone like me. He forced himself to still his hands, which were twisting against each other in his lap.  Had Koteh ever said that certain types of magic were off limits? Eml couldn’t recall. Perhaps Koteh really didn’t know as much about it as Eml thought—he wasn’t trying to exclude Eml, which Eml had feared.  An idea occurred to him, but he saved it for later.  

“For anyone who needs it,” he finished quietly.  

Aunt Tu’l and Eml sat in silence for some time.  Eml hadn’t realized his discomfort had managed to slither deep underneath the protective layers he’d created for himself.  It wasn’t that Aunt Tu’l was prodding him; things simply kept bubbling up and he didn’t know what to do with them.  The silent spaces were another grace that he appreciated about Koteh’s family. There was nothing wrong with taking time to oneself, no shame in not having a clear answer or plan.  

Eml took up his pen again and wrote his name.  The backwards E, the slanted M, the forward L.  Writing it felt like a declaration.  He looked at the first line of his name in Crevasse, as Aunt Tu’l had written it.  He felt lighter, thinking of the Sun and the Song.  Thinking of his time with Koteh.  Hoping he could be the person Koteh inspired him to become.  

When he tried writing the first line of his name in his own hand, there was too much space between the Signs.  He frowned and tried again, working to get it just right.  His penmanship wasn’t as clear as Aunt Tu’l’s.  Somehow there was always a smudge or a loop somewhere there shouldn’t have been—but perhaps this wasn’t as big an issue as he feared.  

“I think I need to practice more,” he murmured to himself.  

“Your writing will look much different from mine or Koteh’s,” Aunt Tu’l told him.

Eml couldn’t hide the sharpness of his glance.  He didn’t often wonder, but sometimes it crossed his mind what kind of magic Aunt Tu’l practiced—and if she was practicing some sort of divination during their meetings.  How could she have guessed—?  

“Would you like to know what the Signs in your first line mean?”

He nodded, looking back at the page.

“The first line says something about my personality, right?”

“They speak of your person and character, yes,” Aunt Tu’l said.  “Emilio, of strength and deep feeling.  Of perseverance and passion.”

Strength? Perseverance?  Passion?  Eml’s brow wrinkled as he looked at her.  

“The Sign of the Sun represents strength and perseverance.”  There was no trace of irritation in Tu’l’s voice as she explained again.  “The Sign of the Song represents deep feeling and passion.”

“That makes sense.”

The words came out as a mumble.  The Festival of Songs, he remembered, was all about allowing oneself the space to feel their way through grief and loss.  All the way to Feast Day, when there was food and dancing from mid-afternoon to well into the night.  With every sunrise, we find the strength to go on.  He and Koteh had left Myrdaven before the Festival, but he remembered a pastry chef telling him that when he’d commented on the nonstop activity and how taxing it must have been.  

At the time, he hadn’t understood exactly what was being said to him.  Had the chef been speaking of these very Signs?  Eml thought the answer was yes.  But why these Signs, for his name?  He wasn’t that strong.  There were more failures in his memory than brave feats.  

“You don’t seem convinced,” Aunt Tu’l said quietly.  “Give yourself some time.”

“Is that how other people see me?”  

He hadn’t expected to ask, and hated how vain the words sounded on his lips.  Trying not to think of the way his siblings had teased him for crying so easily, trying to block out the memory of others who had enjoyed his suffering, he felt something in the pit of his stomach tighten.  Perhaps it was what he deserved for being so sensitive—but this was another lie, and although he knew it wasn’t entirely true, he had yet to disbelieve it.  

“At first meeting, people see that you care deeply for others,” Tu’l said softly.  “They see you will protect their feelings.  They know you value people and will not stand by while others are harmed or hurt.  That commitment requires a great deal of integrity, and you do not hesitate to either make or keep it.”

The silence settles between them again.  He had been so eager to learn the Signs, but now he realized that even if he could recite and draw all eighteen, understanding their meanings would be something else entirely.  

That tight feeling in the pit of his stomach had eased, and with it, his grip on his pen had slackened.  He put the writing instrument down, not quite ready to attempt writing the second line of his name.  Give yourself time.  He wasn’t sure if Auntie had said those words again or if he was only remembering them in his head, but it was advice well-heeded all the same.  

[celestialallstars]

Episode #1: “This cast, fuck me, fuck them.” - Rhys

Ok so my pregame thoughts. It seems like there are a lot of contenders that were threats in their original seasons just based off of placements. I’m really gonna try to use this to my advantage because in my season, I don’t think I was very threatening. Unfortunately I’ll miss the cast reveal, but I’m hoping that doesn’t put me in a bad spot. This game is gonna be tough, but I know I can do it. At least make merge. You need small goals in order to achieve bigger ones. Cast assessment coming up next :)

Y'all I am ANXIOUS! I've had a bad run recently and for the most part I never really care that much. But if I flop on this season I'll die of sadness. Okay but for real, I want to do well this season and idk what kind of people I'm going to be up against, and I couldn't even get my intro to send like i'm such a joke. Ugh y'all how can I be this stressed already.

Just roughly 2 hours before we're gonna really dive into the thick of things. There are so many things I wanna say and so many things I'm just beyond excited about. I really think this is gonna be a Top Tier Season.

I'm vowing to make the most of my stay no matter how long or short. I'm gonna try to drive the pessimist in my mind away and do my best to avoid being that early boot just because I'm a previous winner. Y'all better watch out!

This is gonna be FuCkInG LiT!!!

Getting ready for this season, I'm honored tbh. I feel like it's my first fully-legit-no-strings-attached All-Stars appearance. I was on EMBB All-Stars, but only because I was an alternate for Jake and he decided to be a host instead. Being invited back on my merits exclusively feels amazing, I just hope I can live up to my own expectations in this game and take home the win.

Hi I’m super excited to be brought back to play this game. I’m gonna play maybe a little harder but I’m hoping to keep my gameplay very similar to last season cause it did me well I just need to not freak out. I’m really looking forward to seeing who I’m playing with and I know this season will be fun.

So. This cast, fuck me, fuck them. Like they all seem so much more capable than me. Like bitch bye.

My tribe honestly idk yet. They seem cool,  haven’t talked to most of them yet. So I’ll get back on that.

The only person I’m not happy is cast is Michael. Bitch hated me for no reason last season. So bitch best watch his back cause I’m bringing this hatred back this season.

Also one world can fuck off

So I am meeting everyone and honestly so far this is a nice group. A mixture of old faces like Zach and Loris and new ones like everyone else! Everybody is radical, but I am gonna try and give it a short moment before giving an assessment. Having that said, im gonna get dragged and murdered by this cast....call the police.

Hi so the game has just started and I feel like already so much has happened it has been intense. This cast? stacked. One world? intense. Me? crying.

This entire cast is so iconic and so loved I honestly don't know how to feel rn I am scared as all hell but I'm ready to fight for my fucking life. I'm also quite glad for the one world because I love the idea of being able to socialise with EVERYONE since that's such a strong point of my game for me considering I'm horrific in challenges. I just really hope I can pull things off this season and actually have someone like me and prove that I am in fact worthy of an all star title.

Being on call with people from the one world chat is honestly so fun and I can tell this is going to be a great season and we're literally only like 2.5 hours in. I really wanna make it to the end so I can experience it in it's fully glory.

amazingly, i don't think me being an admin is going to be to a problem??? i wanna thank you three beauts for giving me a wonderful tribe. i love matt, bodhi's hilarious, alyssa intimidates me but she's cute and i love allying strong women, tobi forced me to keysmash, and mo and karthik are kind of blase but its ONLY NIGHT ONE. all in all, think i can survive on this tribe. just get me to merge baby i cannot go premerge in this org if annas not gonna play then I CANT LET US DOWN

So we've officially landed in this ORG, and immediately smacked in the face with a flaccid twist that is One World. So instead of trying to balance 6 relationships I have to balance 20. I'm of course already a mess trying to keep track of it all.

Bodhi and I already have an instant F2, we'll see how that works out given we aren't even on the same tribes. Meanwhile I'm already in love with Bryce as a person and trying to possible Corral all the winners together. Obviously we need to make sure the Winners make it to merge.

I think on my tribe specifically I'm probably getting along best with Mitch, I think Rhys has a similar sense of humor as me but he went to bed too early for me to figure out more. There's a ton more sweet people on the other tribes too I just don't have time to delve into all of them, nor do I have enough substance to any of them to develop opinions anyway.

I have an idea as far as connections go for this tribe but I'm not sure yet if it is strong. Loris is sleeping though I did talk with everyone else. I have a feeling Chloe/Zach would be safest but also that Chloe/Michael might be together. Regardless I think I'll be sticking with Zach if I can help that. Drew seems nice too and Sharky seems it too. Not sure how things will go but I do have to be smart since I would be the easy choice as winner if we lose. I'm gonna be optimistic about it all though :) as for the people on other tribes I'll get to them later. This is going to be fun!

________________________________________________________________

Now that I can see the actual twist (am dummy) I have to try and make some alliances between and in the tribes. I mean making one with the winners shouldn't be too hard but I am gonna want something with a few member here and there from each. I think things are about to get much difficult because I can tell lot of these people are more familiar with each other with their histories and I am just like "hi..." so I def need to wedge myself on in there some way..I've got my work cut out for me

HI ASDDASJKLASDLJK I was so nervous but like.. I feel my victory coming.. I'm pulling my weight in the challenge I think and our tribe's pretty cool!! It's all stars.. so like.. it's no surprise that I like everyone. Sharky seems to be busy so like.. if we lose that could be a good scapegoat.. ALSO?? i was on the blog and i was like wow jones' fairy drawing is so pretty.. so i hovered over it and accidentally clicked it.. and.. i found my legacy advantage again ADSALKDKLJASKLD. and anna said to make sure you search the blog to learn about people and i didnt even see that......... im so lucky :)

So this is so exciting. I’m trying to get to know everyone. Theres one person i was effy about on my tribe and that was Jared. But he’s been talking to me and been nice. But i still have my eyes 👀 on him. Its been nice catching up with Bryce. And been talking to Mitch Rhys and Kori. I hope i can get myself in a good social position where even if im not in their alliance, that im not someone they want to take out. But this time im gunna use my bonds to my advance and hopefully it gets me to the end.

Hi i don't really know what to say right now I just know I wanted to put down some thoughts. So far I'm so fucking in love with this entire cast I'm pretty sure I've spoken to every single person in one way or another which is great, I love to see people fully invested into a season they're playing. I also really love this first challenge, although scavenger hunts stress me the fuck out because i find so many items are so hard to find, I'm just hoping my tribe can pull out a win for us and I'm sure they will cause they're all so iconic and I love them all with my whole heart already.

So I've spoken more to people thusfar and like currently I'm speaking more to people I've spoken to before which like isn't great, because i hate relying on past relations. Like i am speaking to others who are new, its just a bit awkward. So lets push by that and hopefully they aint boring af.

Well so far I've gotten a few items on my list done. Progress is slow but steady. I'm a bit worried about this tribe given it seems like all of us being on at the same time might be unlikely. (That and we're halfway through and only 2 of us have added items to our list.)

I might just be too uptight though, we'll probably be fine. I haven't gotten to talk with people today as much as I wanted as a result of balancing the other ORG and this one as well as apartment hunting and scavenging. I'm beginning to think I planned poorly and have too much on my plate at the moment...

BUT I WILL PERSEVERE! YES SIR'RE I WILL!

CAST ASSESSMENT TIMEEEE Let me start with Orfero Chris- So chris is someone who I think can either go really far as an UTR threat like he did his first season, or be an early boot. I think him and I have a similar playstyle, but he is much more poetic and structured. I am really looking forward to play with him again! We dominated in afvv and im glad he won, but I won't let that happen again. He's too good. ioris- Honestly I see ioris as more of a goat. Maybe that's false perception, but I could easily see him latching onto someone for the long haul and not being respected later on. As of now, I don't think I would work with ioris, but if the situation arises, I wont hesitate. Drew H- OK I LOVE DREW FIRST OF ALL. I am actually SUPER excited that we are finally playing a game together. I really want to work with him, but unfortunately I think he is too threatening to the point where he wont make it far. Michael- Ok so this was definitely a wildcard. I think Michael is someone to watch out for. I don't know how he'll fair in this game, knowing that people recognize his gameplay. He could either go mid merge or permerge, but I dont think he has a shot at winning. Sharky- Sharky is someone I'm unfamilar with, and for that reason alone, I am guessing he makes it deep by flying UTR while winning challenges. Zach- Zach is another sneaky player. I really would love to work with him after our relationship in emvv4 where I voted him out at f10. He is definitely not someone to brush under the rug though, because he is also very threating. I predict a mid merge boot for Zach. Clohie- I personally don't see Clohie as much of a threat,  but I hope she proves me wrong. We have had limited discussion, but I can tell she is here to play. I predict she will make FTC this time, but only time will tell

Alignments: For Orfero, I can see Chris ioris and Zach on one side, Michael Drew H and Sharky on the other with  Clohie in the middle

Tuatha Kori- I've been itching to play an org with kori too and im glad we are on the same tribe because i know how well he can perform in challenges. He is probably my closest ally right now, so I really hope he gets far. My prediction is early merge for him. Rhys- Rhys seems so sweet. We havent had much conversation due to timezone issues, but I'd love to work with Rhys. He is super charming and I think he can go far! My prediction for rise is late merge. Maynor- Maynor is probably the person most difficult to talk to. I have discussed with Kori and he says that his weakest relationships are with Maynor and Jared, so i think its telling that maynor might be an early boot. Jared- I think jared is super cool and he's been a player I have to watch VERY carefully. I do see myself working with him because our convos have been good so far, but I feel like he can be a good talker. We'll see how it turns out but i predict Jared being a premerge boot. He claimed to be a crackhead in confessionals though so we'll see :). Stephen Z- Man i really wish I had better conversations with him!! I think he is super cool, but he does not seem to remember who I am. If our convos improve like I hope they will, I could see Stephen going early merge. Bryce- I really like bryce too but he is soooo unpredictable and sketchy. I think his  cast reveal intro shed bad light on him to other players too, but I know from experience. I see bryce being a premerge boot, but I hope he proves me wrong. I just dont feel like I can fully trust him.

Alignments: For Tuatha, I see myself aligning closely with Kori and Jared. I dont know what the dynamics would be, but I feel like Maynor is already on the outs.

Cyrena Mo- I LOVE MO SO MUCH. What a gem. I met him in TS Montenegro and he considered me one of his closest allies and saved me from elimination at f9 only for me to vote him out at f8. I still feel bad but im hoping we can mend our relationship and go far together. I actually do think he could make a deep run and  definitely get to finale by laying low. Tobi- Tobi and I in games USUALLY don't end up on the same sides. That being said, I'd love to work with Tobi and I hope he makes merge unlike in emvvas. Matt- Matt is another mystery for me. On one hand, I know he is not only a host favorite but a fan favorite as well, but on the other I  dont really know what he brings to the table. Another wildcard for me that I see going early merge. Jack- Jack and I have a history for sure LOL. It feels like we play every game together. I think Jack is a super nice person, and I'd love to work with him again. We dont really mesh on a personal level which makes it difficult, but I learned my lesson of trying to avoid Jack in emvvas (he got me out) Bodhi- I've seen bodhi around a bit, and can be the hero or the villain. He is quirky in a good way. I see bodhi as being the comical relief that goes mid merge for being too likeable. Alyssa- honestly alyssa seems kind of annoying. I dont want to speak too soon but i dont get good vibes from her. I think she might be an early boot on her tribe. but i truly hope im wrong about her. Karthik- I know karthik from em and i really think he could make a loyal ally. His win was well deserved but i dont necessarily think he is a threat. My predicition for him is still prejury because of his timezone. It's unpredictable when he has power and when he doesnt.

Alignments: For Cyrena, I see Mo Alyssa Tobi in one alliance and Matt Jack and Bodhi in another with Karthik out of the loop.

I'm excited to see how accurate my predicition are! I didnt bother including a winner because i still think its too early to tell. Game ON!

Wow a discord call this early in the game!! Strategy? Nope! It's... Alyssa explaining tarot cards to me. Gotta do what you can for social game ig (its ok now we're talking about romcoms)

iz me beech

what a gift, hi im mo. a dumb bottom who treats himself like shit so no one else does.

IM AN ALL STAR ISNT THAT INSANE. I cannot express how excited I am to be playing this game, plus I fucking love this cast. Like my tribe? Fantastic.

Alyssa - The sister I always wanted. I love her she’s so great.

Matt - New good friend and probably who I’m closest to at the moment I get happy when he gets online cus he gets me and my shit.

Jack - He can rap and he’s nice, what an icon.

Rhys - SUCH A SWEETHEART, I’m so excited to play with him again.

Karthik - Also super sweet, he seems like a genuine guy and I’m looking forward to playing with him.

Tobi - I love that I get to play with him again we haven’t talked all too much but we’ve talked a bit. (I definitely have my guard up around him just cus of something he did in Muxloe)

Bodhi - Kinda inactive unfortunately but he seems nice.

Mo - Dumb bitch.

sits. hi. so like. just like elara im gonna do a countdown to when i can play my legacy because yall CRAZY if you think im willing it to someone else... uh...WAIT.. I JUST REALISED... I THINK I COULD'VE SAVED BIG Z WITH MY LEGACY?? if only i knew he was going... sorry big z... you wont read this.. anyways. ok so. it is final 21. so. 15 (or 8 i guess...) people need to be voted out before i can play it.. i can DO IT. and this time i am not telling a SOUL about it. like. NO ONE.. and the beauty of the legacy is that people shouldn't really even suspect it exists.. heehee!

ANYWAYS! let's talk about the game. so. my tribe is a mess. i love zach and chloe... chris is a king.. i played elara with drew h and he's a babe so there's that. michael king. and sharky hasnt been on much because he's busy which is like awful timing n i feel bad especially if we lose because i think he might go? :-(

as for the other tribes.. bryce asked to be allies i said shure. i love rhys.. thats all bye

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UPDATE!! i love BODHI!!!!!!!!!!!! like..... wow. hes such a king. no words at all.

Our tribe has lots of stuff done on our sheet. I hope we are able to get it done. I hope we can win immunity, first tribal will suck.

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Omg. 3 minutes until sheets are locked. Im kind of nervous. I really want us to be immune.

My tribe mates- Rhys: he is amazing and i feel like we get along pretty well. We have been talking. Mitch: also very nice. Was the first person to message me and i really like him. Kori: we talked a bit. Is someone i need to talk to more. Bryce: my marmoreal f3. ❤️ Jared: amazing guy and really like talking to him. Would work with him. Stephen: the person i least have talked to but i need to talk to more.

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I’m am extemely excited that we won immunity. It gives me more time to talk and bond with these people. Im really liking my tribe. I hope we can keep winning immunity. (Knocks on wood)

We won! Yas! It's unfortunate that we couldn't snatch the reward, but we came close and I think that counts for something.

Chloe and Drew definitely carried the Orfeo tribe to their reward, meanwhile Karth practically killed Cyrena himself. I'm pretty happy being that perfectly middle score on my tribe. High enough to be a contributor, low enough to like not be a threat for try-harding or something.

I'm gonna hopefully take this time to get to bond with people more. Chloe and I are getting married apparently which is cute. She's honestly pretty sweet so I'm already a hardcore stan.

Gonna enjoy the time off, and see what this idol system is about. Maybe I'll get lucky this season.

i am OVERWHELMED like ok so most the cast i feel like doesnt like me. my tribe has ppl who arent super active (this is literally marmoreal flash backs) kori is so.. much idk JKFADSHFKJ like he just is rly.. there! jared is my new fave i love that man so much we are going so far KNOW that. rhys.. an angel i LOVE him i just get him and he gets me. maynor? doesnt reply idk its off. stephen.. not here. mitch? ignores me for long time. so ya that sucks but wooh jared and rhys! also LOVE chloe, loris, zach, maybe tobi!!!

YAAAAAAAAS safety is so important right nowwwww, having safety is crucial bc I wanna keep my friends in this game and keep building bridges. I also have a little advantage to help me search for the idol and nobody needs to know about it except me so hopefully soon I’ll have an idol in my back pocket!

The first few days of this game have been fun. I always enjoy getting to know a new tribe of people. Still, all of these people are essentially new to me. I've been in VL's with Kori and Mitch, and I helped host Jared in Wakea, but playing with people is a totally different ballgame. Still these 3 are probably the relationships I'm most interested in investing time in right now.

As for people off of my tribe, I feel pretty good about my old Komnata castmates. Alyssa, Zach and Karth all worked well with me in the pre-merge and I can definitely see myself working with them here as well. Chris is also my BFF I would literally die for him. Jack is also someone I know well and I know he's a good ally, but we're also playing another ORG together at this very moment (SBBB7) and I just made a move there knowing he wouldn't approve of it, so that's something I have to keep in mind as well. I think as long as I can set myself up well on this current tribe, I could be in it for the long hall!

Looking at the challenge results, it looks really bad for my bro Karth. It's gonna suck if he goes first because we instantly connected back in Komnata, but hey, I don't think I have the clout to save him here. It's the first tribal council and there's no basement to hide in this time.

Today is gonna be a big day though. Before Cyrena goes to Tribal Council, I'm planning to reach out to Mitch and Kori about formally becoming allies. Just like my first season, I'll use the idol search as my opening statement!

SO lots to discuss. First off, we got fucking demolished in immunity. Fucking embarassing. Matt Alyssa and I showed tf up with 100+, and Mo and Bodhi weren't far behind. Tobi did not have a good showing but FUCKING. KARTHIK. TWO POINTS? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? That's disgraceful this is god damn all stars you're a WINNER and you give 2 god damn 1 point submissions. Get the fuck out of my tribe. He should be the easiest first boot in history but of course everyone wants to pussyfoot around for the first 12-18 hours of tribal and not throw out a name. But there's no avoiding this. He's inactive, he has a bad timezone comparatively, and he did diddly poo in the challenge. He's. Gone.

Luckily I find myself with 2 quick alliances right out the shoot, a trio with Alyssa and Matt and a duo with Bodhi. I found myself gravitating to these 4 a lot the first couple days, Mo and Tobi are a bit quieter so I like these 3 allies for me moving forward. Sidenote, BoJack has got to be the greatest alliance name in Celestial history. I'd go back and look to compare but I'm lazy.

One World is still kicking my ass, a lot of people want to talk to me and I don't have the energy for it but damn it I guess I have no other choice, I can't just not respond to them.

Ok so fucking karthik made an alliance with Me, Mo, Matt. And spilled his heart out to us. But we left him on read and now he’s super lonely. Hopefully he doesn’t have an idol or whatever.

Also this game started!! I’m very busy with school but I have things to say. I’m close with some people from before, I really like Loris and Tobi and Alyssa. I’m feeling pretty good about my position right now.

Fuck yeah, not first boot!!! Although I would’ve loved to win as were so close, but can blame that on my tribe mates cause me and Bryce pulled through.

So right now, my closest ally I feel like would be Bryce. Primarily cause were on the same tribe and then I speak to him most on our tribe, and most of the other cast. Then would be jarred, so I want to make hopefully an alliance between them, maybe another, just to confirm my spot in the tribe.

Feel like my main goal is to make connection, as it seems like everyone else has some with other people. So like if it comes to me someone they don’t know, against someone they've player with before just looks bad for me. So I’m trying to make up with Michael, just so that’s one less target in my back.

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Also I talk to Zach a lot. But don’t trust him at all. We have been “dating” since the cast reveal. But he asked Mo to be in a showmance too?! Plus Bryce said he talks to zach the most but Bryce wasn’t in who Zach talks to the most.

This sounds like Tween drama but it’s so much more.

Am I being flirted with?????????

https://youtu.be/GBCr-tAsKTc

My slow self. In regards to the other castmates- I didnt realize how much I talked to the members of Tuatha. Bryce, Rhys, Kori all are red but I've probably done most of my talking with Jared and Stephen who I really wanna get together with at some point. I've reached out to other people like Jack and Alyssa and Mo. I may be forgetting some people but I'm just gonna keep talking up a storm with everybody!  If I had to pick my closest people so far, it definitely would be Jared, Stephen, Zach, and Michael.. stay tuned!

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I FLOPPED at this challenge hard. Drew and Sharky I am sorry for sharing you peeps on the low for being MIA when I was here and performed worse! I am happy we won though because I like my entire tribe and honestly I see a lot of good from them! And so the game begins!

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I am just putting gears in motion! I've made it clear with Stephen, Kori, and Jared I want to work with them. I want to get a cross tribe alliance going and it seems Tuatha is my in though I have to see about other people. As for Orfeo...I talked with Zach on starting a majority alliance with Chloe and Loris, we'll see how it goes and if it is legitimate but I definitely hope I can trust Michael enough to keep him. I still am gonna  not get comfortable because I can see myself being targeted but yeah

https://youtu.be/ia3DTwLWMi8

So we’re going to tribal... and honestly I’m terrified bc I was one of the poorer performers in the challenge but the thing is that Karthik got a whole ass 2 in the challenge... a challenge where you get 8/9 points for drinking water... so I would think he’d be the easy vote but everyone was SUPER quiet yesterday and no one wanted to give names but today is looking a bit better but I swear if I go home over karthik.... I. will. call. out. all. of. them. Not only was his score tragic but I don’t think he’s been social at all... people from other tribes think that karthik is definitely going so maybe I’m just crazy paranoid for no reason but idk I’ll have to talk wayyyy more to everyone just to be sure

well here is my first real confessional of the game! Sorry its late been busy.

So firstly my tribe is like super cute. I'm glad i don't know everyone cause then i would be worried, plus i do genuinely like getting to know new people so that is definitely a yay moment. I am also really liking this cast, though more wahmen would be nice but this is all stars, we r not casting wahmen for the sake of it. - anna jane 2k19.

The first challenge? selfie scavenger. a classic if i have seen one. a surprisingly difficult one at that but im glad how well i performed. top scorer on my tribe so i'm really glad about that and how I will be perceived as an asset for a while at least (we will see how that pans out longer down the line). but yay go me! Unforunately, we lost though so like UGH.

During immunity i approached alyssa and jack about a trio, who could control the tribe as i knew we would be high scorers and i genuinely like the two of them. also made sense becuase i sense we are the 3 most active. Karthik, who scored only 2 in the challenge, is probs the target due to inactivity LOL. tobi and mo i also like, but bodhi remains a mystery to me. might be a timezone thing idk but still. a tad worrying that i dont know him as well as i would like.

One World does my head in but im trying to talk to everyone. i've learnt though i need to make connections on my tribe first and foremost as they r the ones who vote, not people on other tribes. god i do hate one world tho. i want to be napping, not messaging people

think im gonna be in an alliance?? on day 3? is this a joke? literally winning...................  wow....

I usually make videos but today I am lazy so hello. So One World is ass because I don't want to talk to everyone but these people are crackheads so like I guess. Uhhhhh I'm in an alliance with Jack and Matt because I adore them both greatly. Mo is on my tribe which is so nice because we have played together before and he has such fun energy and is just a ray of sunshine so I'm very happy (although he makes me nervous cuz the last game we played together I killed him for no reason basically.... But I don't think he's the vengeful type). Tobi makes me nervous because I think he is a social king and I mean like... Idk I guess there are a lot of very social players which makes me nervous that I would be pushed out for maybe not being as social? Idk if that makes sense.

But anyway Karthik is also on my tribe and I was like OF COURSE. Because this is the man from my season who I cursed out via DR video for flipping on me LOL He is a sweetie though. I recently looked and saw he was rooting for me a lil in a game I was in which is really nice of him, especially seeing as I didn't vote him to win our season. I think he's going to be first boot. He was on vacation this weekend somewhere where there's no wifi (that's what he told me) and only sent in two things for the scavenger hunt, dooming us to a first tribal. I feel somewhat bad but have told people on my tribe that if not for Komnata's twist of the season he would've been out pre-merge easily because his overarching challenge performance is not great. So basically just reiterating to people that I'm not so sure that this was a fluke and overall I think it's probably just best for us to cut him.

Yeah that's it. I have so much crackhead energy from the games I've been playing as of late I feel like I majorly need to chill the fuck out. Here's to praying.

so everyone’s kinda agreed on voting out karthik due to him only scoring two points so I’m like ok cool i’m down but then karthik made an alliance chat with bodhi, matt and myself asking to be saved and

https://i.imgur.com/AxCzqxd.gif?noredirect

Sooo im making this last minute confessional to tell ya that I THINK im in a good spot. Im sharing my idol guesses with Stephen Z and Jared which is helping me build trust with them. I also have mutual trust with Kori. Maynor and Rhys are kind of boring tbh so hopefully they go soon. Bryce and I never seem to have good conversations so idk where his head is at. IM JUST HAPPY THAT MY CURSE OF ALWAYS GOING TO THE FIRST TRIBAL IS FINALLY LIFTED. I WONT BE FIRST BOOT YAHOO

Short and sweet, glad to be back, beast moded another selfie scavenger hunt. Got a good tribe, I think, couple of good friends, couple new people, at least one I think obvious boot should it come to that, but here's hoping it won't. Not a lot of players from my season so hopefully there won't be too much bad blood coming into this. Shoutout to Chloe Bryce and Tobi who are apparently contractually obligated to be in every fucking game I play on Facebook and associated communities for the rest of my life. 21 people is a lot to get through so I'm just hoping for merge, then we can go from there.

Well let's give confessing on my phone a try.

So far I feel like I've been making decent strides conversing with everybody. It's kinda weird how much I like everyone on this season. Its gonna make being a snake harder but I cant afford to blind myself I'll have to do whatever I'll have to do to hopefully win again.

I've made a sort of trio deal with Bryce and Chris as we're all former winners. I'd have included Kavish but we're all predicting he's more than likely the first boot alarm Tina. I'm growing closer to Zach and Clohie on the outer tribes. Also obviously still have my Bodhi connection. I'm talking with just about everyone a bit. Though I cant shake the feeling there is someone I've missed.

I am concerned not being in any sort of majority alliance on my tribe, so if we do lose that's worrisome but still not being the first boot is a huge relief for me, and hopefully there is only good for me going forward. (I say as 4 people probably plot my demise.)

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Karthik is voted out 5-1-1.

[dndeviants]

The Bargain

Too much my lord? Ruki mentally reached out to Vasili... who she knew by his true name... the Vampire Lord Strahd von Zarovich. 

She watched as he used his human disguise to sway the adventurers to work with him directly. After all, humans and mortals were more likely to trust one of their own. 

Strahd’s mental voice spoke in her mind, Perhaps a bit. However... I need them on our side. If lewd humor is the best way, than I will excuse the indulgence... but Ruki... Did you notice anything about this... Melinda?

Ruki sensed that he referred to Linda’s visual similarity to Tatayana... Indeed, Strahd would have noticed it in her... She was about the same height and build as her, if a bit more muscular from years of fighting, certainly older than Tatayana was, but it did not mar her appearance. She had a similar style of hair, even if her color was a warm brown and not a vibrant auburn. Linda’s eyes were silver, whereas Tatayana had hazel eyes... but the shape of her features, her earnest expression... If one was not able to see color, there would hardly be a difference between the two...

But Ruki had to make sure that Strahd did not fall into his old habits if they were to win this time... and for him to finally escape. Not as much as much as Ireena, my lord. She projected to him, to distract him.

There was a pause before he reached out to her, Yes, Ireena... Tatayana. I will go to her, and make sure she is protected. I don't want the curse to befall her yet again.

Vasili nodded slowly at Linda, measuring her reaction. It was neither positive, nor negative. It was... almost infuriatingly blank. He ventured onward in conversation, "Yes. It has been a problem for some- well, most of the citizens of this place. I've been busier than ever trying to repair relations between all the villages and towns, the boyars and the Lord... "

She leaned back in her chair, "I get that, but what kind of vampire ruler is he? I mean do the people just not like him because he's a vampire or is he just terrible all around?"

Ruki was assertive in her response, “It is the former. You see, many rumors have been spread about Lord Strahd that hold no validity.”

Vasili pinched the bridge of his nose, "It is a complicated matter. While I do acknowledge that he can be brutal at times, ultimately, I believe he has the best interest of his people at heart."

Linda huffed, "Sounds like most rulers to be honest."

Vasili seemed distracted for a short moment, before he snapped back to conversation suddenly "Is that so? So... in exchange for our aid, you will help us clear up this little... situation?"

"Sure, whatever. I don't see why not," she sipped a little more wine, a fuzziness tickled her skull.

"Excellent! Thank you very much. I look forward to our partnership. Have a good evening... There is something I have to take care of..." Vasili resumed his cheerful manner and stood, placing a few gold pieces on the table. “This is for your board for the next few days."

Linda looked up to Vasili. Even though her head was swimmy, she could tell that he had something important to do... there didn’t seem to be any malice in his motives, but he was certainly worried about something.

 "Alright thanks. I assume you will return with more information? After you have dealt with whatever this urgent business is..." She could not help but wonder what worried this gentleman. There could have been several things, if what he said about Barovia were true.

Vasili nodded curtly,"You have my word. Enjoy your stay. I will be back soon. I just have to report to my Lord, and I should be back by tomorrow," he bowed politely to Linda and took her hand to kiss it, before he retrieved his hat from the table. 

Linda lowered her head and hid her blush from him as he swiftly left the Inn. Grindle hopped into Vasili’s seat and faced Linda. 

He tapped his notebook, “So... any reason you aren’t terrified to your wit’s end?”

Linda raised a brow at her old man, and smirked, "Might be this,” she held up the wine bottle. She looked at the notebook,  "So what notes have you gotten so far?" .

Grindle jumped up a bit and flipped through his notes, "Note one- Do not appear to be in Toril. Note two- Wolves too close to the damn village. Note three- Charcoal quality is exceptional. Note four- Vampires..."  He closed his notebook. "That's all I got."

Linda tilted her head, "You going to collect some of that charcoal? If so I want some. Also add note five, werewolves in Krezk."

Grindle nodded and muttered while scribbling in his notes, "Werewolves in Krezk."

Linda heard groaning from the blond man as he was slowly coming to. "Guess this stuff doesn't knock you completely out,” she mused.

Ruki could sense Grindle’s discomfort, and decided to ease his worries,  "Well, I am used to everything that you have experienced here tonight since I live here... and if I may add, the wolves here are so-called ‘pets’ of Lord Strahd.”

Grindle set his notebook down and ran fingers through his wiry, white hair, "I... don't see how this makes that better."

"They serve his orders and have aided me on my travels through the various villages,” Ruki offered.

Linda huffed skeptically, "Yeah, I agree with Grindle. How does that make anything better? Alright, so this vampire controls the wolves... a patrol?" 

She shifted her attention over to the blond man groaning. Maybe it’s best I stop now while I’m ahead, she corked the wine.

Ruki nodded, “In a way, yes. A patrol for Lord Strahd's envoys such as Lord Vasili and myself.”

Linda squinted,"There is a town guard, right?” What in the devil happened here that there are wolves patrolling the streets?

Ruki hummed, “You can say that... but they are corrupt cowards in my opinion.”

“Ugh, my head...” The blond man finally stirred, rising from his alcoholic stupor. He turned and faced Linda and Ruki, "Hi... who- who are you people? Strangers?"

Linda leaned back in her chair, "To you? Yes."

The man laughed a little bit, "Ah, of course. I'm Ismark. Nice to meet you."Ismark scratched his head, "So what are you in town for? I'm sure I can help out someway."

"The name is Linda,” she tilted her head to him, “Well, not sure what all I'm here for yet, but I would like to learn more about this place. I'm not from around anywhere near here..."

Linda got up to go sit with Ismark, but Ruki looked over to Grindle, curious to know more about how Linda was now.

“So how long have you known Lady Linda?“

Grindle twirled his mustache in amusement, "Ever since she was a little girl. I raised her after her father died- may he rest in peace. Only one to look out for her for most of her life. She's grown up a lot."

"Ah, so you are her adopted father much like how Lord Vasili is mine...” Ruki could not help but draw a comparison. 

Grindle chuckles,"I would suppose so. She's a busy body, just like Johnathan. But I gave her all the trades she needed. It was a shame what happened."

Ruki pondered the statement, “He seems to have met an untimely end?”

"Her father- my friend, Johnathan, was murdered, his entire family too. If I weren't there, Linda probably wouldn't have made it out the day of the fire..." Grindle rubbed the pages of his notebook in thought.

Ruki tilted her head, "What was his crime, that someone would be so ruthless?"

"Being successful,” he huffed bitterly, “and being an honest merchant in a world filled with dishonest people."

"I see,” Ruki was quiet,”So someone's greed and envy got the better of your friend and his family.. such a shame. Was the real culprit caught?"

"He was, and he was put away and hung for what he did, but I could never let Linda go back into a world like that... I took her from her home, changed her name, protect her from other greedy bastards- pardon my phrasing- from those that would use her to get at her fortune."

"I see. She is fortunate to have family like yourself..." Ruki glanced over at Linda speaking with Ismark.

 "Anyone is fortunate to have those that care for them. How about yourself? Pardon my bluntness, but how did you come to be affiliated with this Vasili?" Grindle looked over to the tiefling girl.

Ruki nodded, "My mother was killed by a man who feared the abilities of my clan. My grandmother, the high matriarch of our clan watched over and helped me manifest my own powers. Lord Strahd was able to see great potential in my prowess and convinced my grandmother to lend me to his envoy to better hone my abilities."

Grindle reached over, offering his hand for comfort, "I'm so sorry for your loss. There is nothing worse than losing your family. I am glad that you had someone to look after you. It must be hard, considering that you are also a tiefling."

Ruki was unused to such a gesture from a stranger. She reluctantly took his hand. 

Grindle spoke to her gently, "I know it isn't much the same thing, but it's always the hardest on those who are different in any way. Being a gnome among humans, a tiefling, or being a girl tinker... it's good to have someone to look after you." 

Ruki nodded, appreciative of his words, "As you can tell, I live in a different world than your's. I have Lord Strahd's many consorts that look after me. They have taught me the value of perseverance."

Grindle's lips twitched in amusement, "Many 'consorts', eh? So there's at least no lack of trying when it comes to an heir..."

 "It is unlikely, seeing as they are all undead," Ruki stated in a matter of fact tone.  

 "Ah. Yes, the undead." Grindle shifted in his seat at the reminder of the world they were now in. 

Ruki looked over to Linda and Ismark once more, seeing them in deep discussion  "It seems like Lady Linda is warming up to the Burgomaster's son.." she mused.

[houseofvans]

ART SCHOOL | RACHEL KATSTALLER

Inspired by traveling, architecture, seasonal fashion, and Nature, Austrian Alps based artist Rachel Katstaller's illustrations center around strong female figures and playful bold colors. With upcoming various book projects, including her first children’s book, Rachel balances her work and life with skateboarding, travel, as well as volunteering at her local animal shelter. We find out more about Rachel’s artistic process, her art school tip, and about some of her upcoming projects in 2018 – including her first board graphic! 

Make the Leap! 

Photographs by Florian Trattner

Introduce yourself?   Hi there! My name is Rachel Katstaller, and I’m an illustrator from a teeny tiny country in the Central American tropics. Two years ago I moved to the Austrian Alps with my Salvadorian street cat Hemingway, who terribly misses the palm trees and warm tropical weather back home.

Tell us a little about your illustrations.  How would you describe your work to someone who is just coming across it? My work centers around strong female figures and playful color palettes. These are deeply inspired by the vivid color combinations you can find when traveling in the tropics.

When did you first get into drawing?  Who were some of your early artistic influences? What artists inspire you these days? Ever since I picked up a pencil as a kid I’ve never stopped drawing, but I honestly never expected to be able to turn it into a career. I graduated and worked as a designer for a while, but it never really fulfilled me. Four years ago I decided to take the leap and pursue my real dream of becoming an illustrator. It’s been quite a ride with lots of ups and very low downs, but I’d never turn back!

My very earliest influences where definitely my grandparents, both architects who loved to make beautiful sketches of cities or oil paintings of Salvadorian market days. Also the gorgeous use of space and color by Miró counts as one of my earliest inspirations. Nowadays I find myself always checking out work by other wonderful illustrators and artists such as Carson Ellis, Tuesday Bassen and Cleon Peterson to name a few.

Take us through your artistic process? What’s a typical day in the studio like? Inspiration strikes at very strange times sometimes, so whenever I have an idea for a new illustration, I start working it through in my head, imagining shapes and colors. Once I get to the studio I most of the times just lay out the colors I want for the piece, sketch it and then get to work on the final art. It all sounds super easy and fast, but sometimes these ideas shape themselves through several days in my head until I finally see them clearly enough to put them to paper. Sometimes it feels like it takes forever! I’m a creature of habit and that’s why I try to have very regular office hours during the week. I’m the most motivated and creative in the mornings, or in the late afternoon so those hours are mainly reserved to paint and draw and dedicate myself to being creative. Afternoons I spend writing e-mails and planning out ideas, working on my online shop and mapping out personal projects. Before leaving I always make sure my workspace is clean and organized so that I have a blank slate to begin with the next day!

What are your essential art tools and materials? I love jumping from one medium to the other, it all depends on the project and client, as well as what feeling I wish to convey through my pieces. Of late I have loved combining gouache with colored pencil textures, as well as graphite. But I also love working digitally in Photoshop with my Wacom tablet, since this allows for mistakes to be easily corrected.

It’s mentioned that you’re currently living in the Alps. How has this environment or that city influenced the work you create?  What’s your favorite thing about residing there? Yes, I’ve been here for a bit now and I absolutely love it! Back in Central America we only have two seasons (rainy and dry), so actually being able to have four different seasons has been quite the experience. I love how the colors change over the course of the year, not only in nature but also in how people dress, it definitely influences my work. I also draw inspiration from architecture, which is so very different in every place I’ve visited. It’s a constant source of ideas. But what I think has been my favorite thing about living here has to be having taken up skateboarding. I’m a terrible skateboarder, almost deeply embarrassing so, but I try to get as much practice as I can. It’s led me to a wonderfully supportive group of girl skaters with whom I enjoy spending time with. They not only inspire my art but also motivate me to keep practicing and keep challenging myself to become better!

What was your last adventure that showed up in one of your illustrations, thematically or just visually? Maybe not my last but my favorite adventure was last year, when I went to Tromsø, Norway for the first time to see the northern lights. The whole 10 days I was there the sky was cloudy plus the full moon didn’t allow us to see anything! I was super disappointed about leaving without really having seen them. On our very last night there, my friends went to a party but I decided to stay home and go to bed early. I took a walk outside of the house and saw the northern lights just above me. It was such a magical experience and one that I will definitely never forget!

What advice would you give someone who wants to follow in your footsteps and pursue art? It is hard to give advice to others as I pretty much still feel really small and insignificant in the art and illustration world! It is easy to feel lost and as if what you do doesn’t really matter. What I’ve found has helped me to keep moving forward is to stay as true as I can to myself and my own journey as an artist. The work we do is a reflection of our inner selves, so as we grow, so does our art. Try to not look at others and compare yourself to them. Even if it sounds impossible at times, believe in yourself!

What’s your best Art School tip that you want to share with folks? I will have to second Martin Ontiveros and say that copying is not always the proper way to praise another artist’s work. Finding your voice as an artist is a long process and there are no shortcuts to get there. It’s totally ok to get inspired by other artists, but you are unique and your work should be too.

What’s been your biggest challenge career wise and how have you overcome it or how do you continue to persevere against these challenges? My biggest challenge as an illustrator so far has been keeping constantly inspired and motivated to create new work. Last year, after working really hard on some big projects, I found myself feeling completely empty of any good new ideas. Instead of taking a break, I just continued to push myself harder and getting more and more frustrated at myself for not delivering. This brought me close to burnout and it ended up becoming a vicious cycle of sorts. I’m slowly learning to listen to myself and understand that it’s ok to need breaks from work. I’ve realized how important time off is, how traveling helps me find new ideas and refreshing ways to see the world.

What are your favorite style of VANS? Definitely the Old Skool Pro, they combine comfiness with great style!

How are you not just ONE thing?  Illustration is a very lonely job, I spend hours cooped up in the studio working and concentrating on my things. That’s why I’m extremely grateful for skateboarding. It’s as much a relieve from work as it is a downtime to connect with others. Nothing compares to hanging out with my friends and challenging myself to try out new things. I’ve also found purpose in what I do when I find that my art connects or resonates with others, even when they’re hundreds of miles away. Central America still is going through major issues regarding women’s rights and it’s something that I like voicing through my work, in the hopes it reaches the right hearts and minds. I recently collaborated with the “No Estamos Todas” project in Mexico, illustrating a victim of femicide. It’s a horrible side of our reality back home, but one that needs to be talked about and put at the center of our attention. I’m also a cat mother and do volunteer work for the shelter where my cat comes from. I try to help out as much as I can through my work and give back to the community.

What’s coming up for you the rest of 2018? I’m as much excited as I am anxious about this year to be honest. I have some big book projects coming up, one of them being the first children’s book I also do the writing for! I’m also launching some skate related merch mid year, which will include my very first board graphic (keep checking my Insta for updates! :)). I can’t even explain how excited I am!

In between projects I hope to have some time to dedicate to myself and develop my art practice further, working on personal projects and just enjoying the process of creating! Thank you so much for interviewing me!

Follow Rachel | Website | Instagram | Shop | Las Furias

[jpaulfontan]

Pressing Toward the Goal

Oh YES! You gotta run the race….. Fight the fight… Keep the faith and I know it’ll be alright!

Pressing Toward the Goal

This will be our 4th and final lesson under the general heading of Paul In Prison. We’ll be drawing Scripture from the 3rdChapter of the Book of Philippians.

I wonder? Have you ever paused to contemplate just exactly what the Christian life really is? I mean, how is the Christian’s outlook on life different from the worlds’? At some point in their walk with Jesus, every Christian will probably ask themselves these basic questions. Paul understood how the gospel transforms a persons’ life. In this letter to the Philippians, Paul discusses the contrast between a Christian’s worldview verses that of a person who doesn’t know Christ. We have a different mind-set toward our pasts.

We have different motivations and goals for the future as well.

Because of our relationship with the risen Jesus, we have that certain confidence that we’ll experience one day the promise of the resurrection.

Not only do we know in our very hearts that there will be a resurrection, we know that the event will be the one that Jesus raises us up to be with Him…..forever! The apostle Paul described life in Christ as running a race in which we press on toward the goal of fully knowing Jesus as we hope in the final victory of our glorified bodies. Our perseverance in the race reminds us of Jesus and His endurance of the cross, which provided forgiveness of our sins and salvation.

Paul was born into the tribe of Benjamin.

He had grown up learning the Law of Moses from Gamaliel who was one of the most renowned teachers of his day.

He was a Pharisee, considered himself a righteous man, and whole-heartedly persecuted the early church considering it to be blasphemous. That all changed for him on the road to Damascus.

Where he had once persecuted the church, after his conversion, for the rest of his life, he, himself was persecuted by those he was once comrades with. Before his conversion, his confidence was in himself and in the Law of Moses; but now he trusted in Jesus’ crucifixion and resurrection.

Now, how is such a transformation possible? The gospel!

Section 1 of our lesson today is entitled: Run the Race Without Hindrances

The Scripture is: Philippians 3:7-11;

But everything that was gain to me, I have considered to be a loss because of Christ.

More than that, I also consider everything to be a loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord.

Because of him I have suffered the loss of all things and consider them as dung, so that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own from the law, but one that is through faith in Christ— the righteousness from God based on faith.

My goal is to know him and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of his sufferings, being conformed to his death, assuming that I will somehow reach the resurrection from among the dead. As I said earlier, Paul described life as a Christian as someone who is running a race.

The runners need a focused outlook; therefore, they must lay aside everything that slows them down or hinders them.

So what slows down or hinders a Christian? Well, mainly sin and distractions.

In our last lesson, I identified sin as a spiritual power. But let’s look at the subject of sin a little closer, shall we?

Sin traps people, both believers and non-believers alike.

It holds sinners in a cycle of guilt and shame.

It weighs down a person who wants to obey the Lord. It saps the believers’ energy and destroys the motivation to “run the race,” or, to live with the power of endurance for the remainder of his days .

We just can’t run the race of a Christian life and hold on to the weights of sin. Then, there’s “distractions.”

The main hindrance in this passage of Scripture is that of distractions, even good things that could keep our eyes off of Jesus.

Paul recognized that all his religious background and credentials as a Jew and specifically a Pharisee ultimately were worthless when compared to the value of knowing Jesus.

Paul had a pedigree. He was proud of the facts that he had been born into the tribe of Benjamin, that he’d been circumcised on the 8th day, (just as the law prescribed), of the reputation he had among his peers, and of the wealth of knowledge and wisdom he’d attained from one of the most prominent teachers of his day. These were his riches.

And these were things that he gladly set aside in his pursuit of Christ.

As Christians today, we should always be aware of the things we’ve been blessed with and take care that none of them distract us from the prize we ultimately want to possess;

Life eternal with our Lord!

Can’t we more easily lay aside our hindrances when we understand the all-surpassing value of knowing Jesus and His righteousness?

There is nothing in our own merit or good work that can cause us to inherit eternal life.

Our only hope is the righteousness of Jesus that we’ve been given because of our faith in Christ.

Paul taught that religion, regulations, and rituals wouldn’t do any good in making us right before God.

He taught that righteousness is a gift from God by His grace through faith in Jesus.

That righteousness is not something we can earn ourselves.

This is just so important to understand.

Christians don’t work for salvation, but instead we work out our salvation to make Christ more evident in our lives.

We do this by not looking at the Christ-less world but by fixing our eyes on Christ Himself!

As Christians, we aren’t shackled by guilt and shame because we’re free from our sin in Christ.

We know we can’t earn God’s righteousness and we know we can’t lose it.

Our salvation, which is by God’s grace alone, through our faith alone shows us we’re loved unconditionally by our God….. the Creator of everything…. the Master of everything…. and the only one who has the power to give us a future that we simply cannot completely comprehend… …..yet!

Part two of our lesson today is: Run the Race, Pressing Forward Toward the Goal

Philippians 3:12-14;

Not that I have already reached the goal or am already perfect, but I make every effort to take hold of it because I also have been taken hold of by Christ Jesus.

Brother and sisters, I do not consider myself to have taken hold of it.

But one thing I do; Forgetting what is behind and reaching forward to what is ahead,

I pursue as my goal the prize promised by God’s heavenly call in Christ Jesus.

The Christian life is one of discipline and striving toward a goal.

It is not easy and it requires effort.

It’s like the athletic imagery Paul uses in this passage of Scripture.

We can’t coast through this race but must pursue the prize.

Yet we do so because the prize has already been won for us.

Jesus ran the perfect race all the way to the finish line to assure us that our goal would be waiting for us.

So we can forget the past, with all of its failures and heartaches, and press forward in forgiveness with confidence, knowing what we’re aiming for.

As much as Paul had already accomplished for the Kingdom of God, he never gave any indication that he thought he’d completed his race.

Just as Paul, we must understand that our Christian life starts and ends with humility and repentance.

It’s error for a Christian to consider themselves……saved.

We’re on the path to salvation.

None of us can or will ever reach the highest point of Christian maturity.

We can’t coast.

The Great Commission still stands.

We are to be witnesses of the gospel of Jesus Christ to everyone who God puts in our paths.

And, we’re to be sensitive to His promptings.

(That’s one I’m still working on…. and probably will be to the end of my days.)

Whether we considered our lives before coming to Christ as good or bad, dwelling on those memories can become distractions.

I can tell you from personal experience, dwelling on the memories of my life before becoming a Christian, or even on the mistakes I’ve made since then, can definitely become distractions. Memories of our past can cloud our vision of what God has in store for us based on the teaching of His Word and the leading of the Spirit.

Focusing on our past before Christ could sidetrack us with guilt, shame, and embarrassment.

And, at the same time, we could even let a wrong focus on the future, (aside from Christ), fill us with anxiety, fear, or confusion.

But when we look upward to Christ, we’re encouraged onward in hope and joy.

We’ve talked about sanctification before, but I don’t want to pass up this opportunity to point out something Scripture says about it.

As believers, we’re already sanctified.

But it’s also an ongoing process.

It affects the whole person; it transforms our hearts, our minds, and our character to reflect the image of Jesus. So Paul writes in Philippians that he runs this race to gain the prize.

But what is the prize?

Seems silly to ask the question, doesn’t it?

Yet, it’s a question whose answer we should all be in agreement on.

He said he counted everything he was and everything he had before as loss so that he might gain Christ.

He also plainly tells us that he wanted to experience the resurrection of the dead unto eternal life.

I’m with him…..what he said!

Gaining Christ is gaining His resurrection and it’s gaining every other promise too.

Now look, the power to run and persevere in this race can’t come from us, but from God.

It’s the power of God in Jesus Christ and through the Holy Spirit that makes possible our salvation and sanctification.

It strengthens all of us for the ministry of the gospel.

It was God’s grace that started us on this race.

It’s God’s grace that sustains us as we run it.

It’s His forgiveness that allows us to forget what’s behind and press on toward the prize.

It’s the prize of resurrection and eternal life for believers that drives us forward.

So, what are some ways a Christian can run this race?

I mean, what are some tangible ways we can actually live Christian lives? Well, to start with, Jesus has forgiven us for the sins of our past.

Certainly, we can find it in our hearts to also forgive others who have done things against us.

We can be compassionate toward others; to give to or serve those around us.

We can give a helping hand to those less fortunate than us.

We can help re-supply those who’ve suffered loss to storms, fires, floods and the like.

We can serve our local church.

We can proclaim the gospel to unbelievers.

We can pray for God to show us the sin in our lives.

And, we can pray for His direction and for the strength to obey Him.

The last section of today’s lesson is entitled:

Run the Race With Victory In Mind

Philippians 3:15-21;

Therefore, let all of us who are mature think this way.

And if you think differently about anything, God will reveal this also to you.

In any case, we should live up to whatever truth we have attained.

Join in imitating me, brothers and sisters, and pay careful attention to those who live according to the example you have in us.

For I have often told you, and now say again with tears, that many live as enemies of the cross of Christ.

Their end is destruction; their god is their stomach; their glory is in their shame; and they are focused on earthly things,

Our citizenship is in heaven, and we eagerly wait for a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ.

He will transform the body of our humble condition into the likeness of his glorious body, by the power that enables him to subject everything

to himself.

With the Christian life comes the expectation to grow into maturity.

We are to ever strive to not only ferret out hidden sins we may not even be aware of, but to continue to grow spiritually.

Just as the Hebrew peoples used the Law of Moses as a sort of checklist to ensure their obedience to the Lord, we’re to open our Bibles and learn about the Lord and about the things the various authors of the New Testament, who wrote under His divine inspiration,

teach us about how we are to live.

As Christians, we should be striving to see everything in the light of Jesus Christ and the work He did on the cross.

When we’re focused on the temporary things of this world, we reveal our immaturity, and, possibly, our unbelief.

On the other hand, the maturity and health of a believer is revealed by a mind that’s focused on eternal things like the coming of our Savior and the resurrection He’ll bring.

In verse 9 Paul warns the Philippians not to stray toward false teachings that directed their focus and energies on earthly things.

Running this race means that we must have the proper mind-set.

This doesn’t mean we are to ignore or forsake life on this earth.

I knew a woman once who’s husband plainly told her that she was so heavenly minded that she was no earthly good. We’re to live in this world, but not be “of it.”

What we are to do is to take all the joys of the world God created and live in a manner worthy of our Creator. How?

You’re doing it right now in studying this lesson with me. And you’re doing it when you pray;

When you read God’s word;

When you serve others;

When you go to church; When you serve your church;

When you seek out more mature Christians and imitate them; When you set the example for the younger people in your church;

And there’s a myriad of other things that are right and good.

All living Christians are in the process of salvation.

We’re justified by our faith in Jesus.

God sanctifies us by filling us with His Holy Spirit;

And that cleansing power of His Spirit is an ongoing process where we notice that more and more as time goes by we gain the power to resist sin and the ability to obey His Word more and more.

And then, there’s “Glorification!” Glorification is the finish line for the Christian runner.

Glorification refers to the future time when a Christian reaches moral and spiritual perfection at the time of Christ’s return.

Glorification also involves the physical perfection that we will have once our bodies have been resurrected.

When we’re glorified, we will have a fuller knowledge and understanding of God and of His Word.

Living with the future resurrection in view impacts our present-day lifestyle.

Those who ignore the future coming of Christ fail to recognize their coming destruction in hell and so continue unabated in their sin.

Believers who live with their minds set on the 2nd coming have a vision of their future resurrection in Christ, which motivates their pursuit of that promise.

In Christ, the victory has been won, so we can run the race with confidence in our completion.

Enemies of the cross of Christ live an idolatrous, shameful lifestyle and live for earthly things rather than those that are eternal.

They love the things that God hates and hate the things that God loves.

They don’t know God and are in danger of losing the most precious thing a human being could ever hope for. It won’t be pretty for them come judgment day. Paul made it abundantly clear to the church in Philippi.

He let them know he, himself was still striving for the goal of perfection, but that he’d not yet arrived.

He wasn’t being conceded, boastful, or egotistical about his walk with the Lord when he encouraged them to imitate him.

But, still, he did recognize that his life was a good example of what it means to follow Christ because he aimed to imitate Christ Himself.

As Christians who are maturing in the faith, each of us ought to be able to say the same thing. Let’s pray…

[mycorinth]

Pressing Toward the Goal

Oh YES! You gotta run the race….. Fight the fight… Keep the faith and I know it’ll be alright!

Pressing Toward the Goal

This will be our 4th and final lesson under the general heading of Paul In Prison. We’ll be drawing Scripture from the 3rdChapter of the Book of Philippians.

I wonder? Have you ever paused to contemplate just exactly what the Christian life really is? I mean, how is the Christian’s outlook on life different from the worlds’? At some point in their walk with Jesus, every Christian will probably ask themselves these basic questions. Paul understood how the gospel transforms a persons’ life. In this letter to the Philippians, Paul discusses the contrast between a Christian’s worldview verses that of a person who doesn’t know Christ. We have a different mind-set toward our pasts.

We have different motivations and goals for the future as well.

Because of our relationship with the risen Jesus, we have that certain confidence that we’ll experience one day the promise of the resurrection.

Not only do we know in our very hearts that there will be a resurrection, we know that the event will be the one that Jesus raises us up to be with Him…..forever! The apostle Paul described life in Christ as running a race in which we press on toward the goal of fully knowing Jesus as we hope in the final victory of our glorified bodies. Our perseverance in the race reminds us of Jesus and His endurance of the cross, which provided forgiveness of our sins and salvation.

Paul was born into the tribe of Benjamin.

He had grown up learning the Law of Moses from Gamaliel who was one of the most renowned teachers of his day.

He was a Pharisee, considered himself a righteous man, and whole-heatedly persecuted the early church considering it to be blasphemous. That all changed for him on the road to Damascus.

Where he had once persecuted the church, after his conversion, for the rest of his life, he, himself was persecuted by those he was once comrades with. Before his conversion, his confidence was in himself and in the Law of Moses; but now he trusted in Jesus’ crucifixion and resurrection.

Now, how is such a transformation possible? The gospel!

Section 1 of our lesson today is entitled: Run the Race Without Hindrances

The Scripture is: Philippians 3:7-11;

But everything that was gain to me, I have considered to be a loss because of Christ.

More than that, I also consider everything to be a loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord.

Because of him I have suffered the loss of all things and consider them as dung, so that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own from the law, but one that is through faith in Christ— the righteousness from God based on faith.

My goal is to know him and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of his sufferings, being conformed to his death, assuming that I will somehow reach the resurrection from among the dead. As I said earlier, Paul described life as a Christian as someone who is running a race.

The runners need a focused outlook; therefore, they must lay aside everything that slows them down or hinders them.

So what slows down or hinders a Christian? Well, mainly sin and distractions.

In our last lesson, I identified sin as a spiritual power. But let’s look at the subject of sin a little closer, shall we?

Sin traps people, both believers and non-believers alike.

It holds sinners in a cycle of guilt and shame.

It weighs down a person who wants to obey the Lord. It saps the believers’ energy and destroys the motivation to “run the race,” or, to live with the power of endurance for the remainder of his days .

We just can’t run the race of a Christian life and hold on to the weights of sin. Then, there’s “distractions.”

The main hindrance in this passage of Scripture is that of distractions, even good things that could keep our eyes off of Jesus.

Paul recognized that all his religious background and credentials as a Jew and specifically a Pharisee ultimately were worthless when compared to the value of knowing Jesus.

Paul had a pedigree. He was proud of the facts that he had been born into the tribe of Benjamin, that he’d been circumcised on the 8th day, (just as the law prescribed), of the reputation he had among his peers, and of the wealth of knowledge and wisdom he’d attained from one of the most prominent teachers of his day. These were his riches.

And these were things that he gladly set aside in his pursuit of Christ.

As Christians today, we should always be aware of the things we’ve been blessed with and take care that none of them distract us from the prize we ultimately want to possess;

Life eternal with our Lord!

Can’t we more easily lay aside our hindrances when we understand the all-surpassing value of knowing Jesus and His righteousness?

There is nothing in our own merit or good work that can cause us to inherit eternal life.

Our only hope is the righteousness of Jesus that we’ve been given because of our faith in Christ.

Paul taught that religion, regulations, and rituals wouldn’t do any good in making us right before God.

He taught that righteousness is a gift from God by His grace through faith in Jesus.

That righteousness is not something we can earn ourselves.

This is just so important to understand.

Christians don’t work for salvation, but instead we work out our salvation to make Christ more evident in our lives.

We do this by not looking at the Christ-less world but by fixing our eyes on Christ Himself!

As Christians, we aren’t shackled by guilt and shame because we’re free from our sin in Christ.

We know we can’t earn God’s righteousness and we know we can’t lose it.

Our salvation, which is by God’s grace alone, through our faith alone shows us we’re loved unconditionally by our God….. the Creator of everything…. the Master of everything…. and the only one who has the power to give us a future that we simply cannot completely comprehend… …..yet!

Part two of our lesson today is: Run the Race, Pressing Forward Toward the Goal

Philippians 3:12-14;

Not that I have already reached the goal or am already perfect, but I make every effort to take hold of it because I also have been taken hold of by Christ Jesus.

Brother and sisters, I do not consider myself to have taken hold of it.

But one thing I do; Forgetting what is behind and reaching forward to what is ahead,

I pursue as my goal the prize promised by God’s heavenly call in Christ Jesus.

The Christian life is one of discipline and striving toward a goal.

It is not easy and it requires effort.

It’s like the athletic imagery Paul uses in this passage of Scripture.

We can’t coast through this race but must pursue the prize.

Yet we do so because the prize has already been won for us.

Jesus ran the perfect race all the way to the finish line to assure us that our goal would be waiting for us.

So we can forget the past, with all of its failures and heartaches, and press forward in forgiveness with confidence, knowing what we’re aiming for.

As much as Paul had already accomplished for the Kingdom of God, he never gave any indication that he thought he’d completed his race.

Just as Paul, we must understand that our Christian life starts and ends with humility and repentance.

It’s error for a Christian to consider themselves……saved.

We’re on the path to salvation.

None of us can or will ever reach the highest point of Christian maturity.

We can’t coast.

The Great Commission still stands.

We are to be witnesses of the gospel of Jesus Christ to everyone who God puts in our paths.

And, we’re to be sensitive to His promptings.

(That’s one I’m still working on…. and probably will be to the end of my days.)

Whether we considered our lives before coming to Christ as good or bad, dwelling on those memories can become distractions.

I can tell you from personal experience, dwelling on the memories of my life before becoming a Christian, or even on the mistakes I’ve made since then, can definitely become distractions. Memories of our past can cloud our vision of what God has in store for us based on the teaching of His Word and the leading of the Spirit.

Focusing on our past before Christ could sidetrack us with guilt, shame, and embarrassment.

And, at the same time, we could even let a wrong focus on the future, (aside from Christ), fill us with anxiety, fear, or confusion.

But when we look upward to Christ, we’re encouraged onward in hope and joy.

We’ve talked about sanctification before, but I don’t want to pass up this opportunity to point out something Scripture says about it.

As believers, we’re already sanctified.

But it’s also an ongoing process.

It affects the whole person; it transforms our hearts, our minds, and our character to reflect the image of Jesus. So Paul writes in Philippians that he runs this race to gain the prize.

But what is the prize?

Seems silly to ask the question, doesn’t it?

Yet, it’s a question whose answer we should all be in agreement on.

He said he counted everything he was and everything he had before as loss so that he might gain Christ.

He also plainly tells us that he wanted to experience the resurrection of the dead unto eternal life.

I’m with him…..what he said!

Gaining Christ is gaining His resurrection and it’s gaining every other promise too.

Now look, the power to run and persevere in this race can’t come from us, but from God.

It’s the power of God in Jesus Christ and through the Holy Spirit that makes possible our salvation and sanctification.

It strengthens all of us for the ministry of the gospel.

It was God’s grace that started us on this race.

It’s God’s grace that sustains us as we run it.

It’s His forgiveness that allows us to forget what’s behind and press on toward the prize.

It’s the prize of resurrection and eternal life for believers that drives us forward.

So, what are some ways a Christian can run this race?

I mean, what are some tangible ways we can actually live Christian lives? Well, to start with, Jesus has forgiven us for the sins of our past.

Certainly, we can find it in our hearts to also forgive others who have done things against us.

We can be compassionate toward others; to give to or serve those around us.

We can give a helping hand to those less fortunate than us.

We can help re-supply those who’ve suffered loss to storms, fires, floods and the like.

We can serve our local church.

We can proclaim the gospel to unbelievers.

We can pray for God to show us the sin in our lives.

And, we can pray for His direction and for the strength to obey Him.

The last section of today’s lesson is entitled:

Run the Race With Victory In Mind

Philippians 3:15-21;

Therefore, let all of us who are mature think this way.

And if you think differently about anything, God will reveal this also to you.

In any case, we should live up to whatever truth we have attained.

Join in imitating me, brothers and sisters, and pay careful attention to those who live according to the example you have in us.

For I have often told you, and now say again with tears, that many live as enemies of the cross of Christ.

Their end is destruction; their god is their stomach; their glory is in their shame; and they are focused on earthly things,

Our citizenship is in heaven, and we eagerly wait for a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ.

He will transform the body of our humble condition into the likeness of his glorious body, by the power that enables him to subject everything

to himself.

With the Christian life comes the expectation to grow into maturity.

We are to ever strive to not only ferret out hidden sins we may not even be aware of, but to continue to grow spiritually.

Just as the Hebrew peoples used the Law of Moses as a sort of checklist to ensure their obedience to the Lord, we’re to open our Bibles and learn about the Lord and about the things the various authors of the New Testament, who wrote under His divine inspiration,

teach us about how we are to live.

As Christians, we should be striving to see everything in the light of Jesus Christ and the work He did on the cross.

When we’re focused on the temporary things of this world, we reveal our immaturity, and, possibly, our unbelief.

On the other hand, the maturity and health of a believer is revealed by a mind that’s focused on eternal things like the coming of our Savior and the resurrection He’ll bring.

In verse 9 Paul warns the Philippians not to stray toward false teachings that directed their focus and energies on earthly things.

Running this race means that we must have the proper mind-set.

This doesn’t mean we are to ignore or forsake life on this earth.

I knew a woman once who’s husband plainly told her that she was so heavenly minded that she was no earthly good. We’re to live in this world, but not be “of it.”

What we are to do is to take all the joys of the world God created and live in a manner worthy of our Creator. How?

You’re doing it right now in studying this lesson with me. And you’re doing it when you pray;

When you read God’s word;

When you serve others;

When you go to church; When you serve your church;

When you seek out more mature Christians and imitate them; When you set the example for the younger people in your church;

And there’s a myriad of other things that are right and good.

All living Christians are in the process of salvation.

We’re justified by our faith in Jesus.

God sanctifies us by filling us with His Holy Spirit;

And that cleansing power of His Spirit is an ongoing process where we notice that more and more as time goes by we gain the power to resist sin and the ability to obey His Word more and more.

And then, there’s “Glorification!” Glorification is the finish line for the Christian runner.

Glorification refers to the future time when a Christian reaches moral and spiritual perfection at the time of Christ’s return.

Glorification also involves the physical perfection that we will have once our bodies have been resurrected.

When we’re glorified, we will have a fuller knowledge and understanding of God and of His Word.

Living with the future resurrection in view impacts our present-day lifestyle.

Those who ignore the future coming of Christ fail to recognize their coming destruction in hell and so continue unabated in their sin.

Believers who live with their minds set on the 2nd coming have a vision of their future resurrection in Christ, which motivates their pursuit of that promise.

In Christ, the victory has been won, so we can run the race with confidence in our completion.

Enemies of the cross of Christ live an idolatrous, shameful lifestyle and live for earthly things rather than those that are eternal.

They love the things that God hates and hate the things that God loves.

They don’t know God and are in danger of losing the most precious thing a human being could ever hope for. It won’t be pretty for them come judgment day. Paul made it abundantly clear to the church in Philippi.

He let them know he, himself was still striving for the goal of perfection, but that he’d not yet arrived.

He wasn’t being conceded, boastful, or egotistical about his walk with the Lord when he encouraged them to imitate him.

But, still, he did recognize that his life was a good example of what it means to follow Christ because he aimed to imitate Christ Himself.

As Christians who are maturing in the faith, each of us ought to be able to say the same thing.

[originalpistol]

𝑩𝒖𝒓𝒏 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝚋𝚛𝚒𝚍𝚐𝚎, 𝑩𝒖𝒓𝒏 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝗠𝗲𝗺𝗼𝗿𝘆. 

Running — That’s something I am great at. But I never ran from /you/. There was something about the way your arms wound around the small of my waist, pulling me in, and making me remember what it felt like to call a person home instead of four walls and countless marble pillars. Something in the way your breath would gently cascade in against the delicate flesh of my neck with every heated wind from the slow wind of my hips. A simple, slow tease. Oh, but I knew it was pure torture for you; that’s why I did it. Two small reasons why...why I never strayed, and why I held tight when your presence was nonexistent. I still remembered the shock that settled in the day you knelt down against the warm sand, and pulled out a ring. Pear shaped; my favorite. Simple, golden band. I never was one for over-complicated jewelry. Gross. If that shit has more diamonds than the most important one? Throw it out. But that was something he knew. Boy, did you really do a number on me with this whole setup. Lure me in, take me to our favorite beach, and low and behold? Sharks! The one and only favorite animal of yours truly. Great. Gotta love a man that knows exactly what to do. Fuck, me. So here we were, sharing the best memory I could ever hope for — a shark meet-and-greet. I was right at home in the ocean, swiping light fingers along the silken backs of them, completely mesmerized by the way they moved. And then? That was when he pulled me away; I didn’t mind, I knew the day was drawing to an end, and that was usually the time when sharks become ravenous with hunger. Wish I would’ve sank you to them, honestly. Shit, then I wouldn’t be standing here, feeling stupid. The thing I hate almost more than feeling vulnerable. Good job, pal. The initial pain that followed his disappearance was something that I’d honestly learned to tune out. Just busy, or perhaps just up to some shit I didn’t know or need to know about. Shit happens, Alice. You’ll be fine, just keep on building your empire. So that’s exactly what I did. I built a wedding line while he was off gallivanting. Seven of the eight pieces were nearly finished. All that lacked was the eighth and final dress. Something I had taken my sweet time in both designing, but also in bringing my idea to life. I never had issues on this until now. Where I couldn’t even find the headspace to slip away from the lingering memories of having him at home with me. I used to take my pieces home, give him a little show all his own, and allow him to tell me the small changes to make to the pieces. It was stupid, probably, but it always helped to steady my mind. I still can’t believe I allowed myself to lean on someone else so completely. Wasn’t that the first thing I learned in life from my lunatic mother? Crazy bitch; still locked away in the asylum. If there was one solid piece of advice I’d bother to lend to anyone? Never rely on anyone other than yourself. Your fingers, feet, will, and determination will take you a helluva lot further than anyone else ever will. If you find yourself wanting to lean into or on your partner? Fucking stand up — Stand tall. We don’t have time for that bullshit here. Waiting wasn’t the hard part. Continuing to have hope when you’re six months into being alone? That is the hard part. Going back, recreating each and every little memory you have of him while he won’t let you know he’s still breathing; that’s hard. It’s the whole thing of not knowing, for me. I never thought I would be the kind of girl to sit back and find myself a mess of confusion, anger, and doubt all because of this goddamn ring that sat so prominently against my left ring finger. But yet? I held on, refusing to let go or to give up. Not because of myself, but because I knew the feeling of coming back to an empty life, an empty home. Detriment was a kind way of putting that kind of hurt. Trust, love, compassion; these are all things we built together. Things to which were slowly slipping between my fingertips as the eighth month alone was creeping in. Settling into its place on the chalkboard calendar I’d hung to track both my progress on the wedding show, but also so I would force myself to be conscious in the time that lapsed. Eight fucking months of space between the two of us. I had never felt so empty. Both in mind and in soul. He’d slipped away so easily to my dismay. Not a word, not even a second thought. Maybe marriage wasn’t for me. Perhaps I was the kind of girl that would always find herself in these fucked up situations because this wasn’t something in the deck of cards I’d been playing with? We shall see. Teeter...totter. Back and forth she goes. Do I slip away like he did, or do I give it the full length of a year before I let this crash harder than a car at 80 stopping against a tree? Fuck it. Held on this long, suppose it won’t ruin me any worse to wait it out. Yeah? Yeah. Back to the dress. That’s right. It was mid July — only one dress remained. I slipped another pin from between my lips, into my fingers, and right by my thumb right through the soft — damn near silken, fabric. Weaving the pin into place, and securing it with a final thread of fabric against the shoulder. Draping it down to sit perfect against the shoulder of the mannequin at hand. They would slouch slightly, but never enough to reveal too much skin. Classy. Effortlessly classy. For a moment I pulled away from my project to look over it, eyes narrowing in suspicion and critique of my own work. Everything would be perfect, and without flaw by the time I was done. Nine months deep in this treacherous hell hole of a relationship, ey? Here I go again, making my rounds of excuses for why he’s gone, why he hasn’t said a single word, and why I don’t matter. Here I go venturing into the path of unknown on whether or not I’ll ever speak to the second most important person I’d met. Can’t believe I let him in to this extent. Still feel stupid. My will to push forward with my long-lived journey of waiting was dwindling. Quick. It was almost as if with every tap my nails made against the glass top of my desk, my patience were wearing further. Down the drain. Oh, fucking, well. I remembered typing out my release form, allowing me to escape the confines of this, but instead? I’d somehow turned it into a soppy form of how much I loved this man, and how I was still going to persevere so he would see the love I gave. I couldn’t tell you how badly I wanted to just be able to hear that deep, rusk voice of his. To know he was near. Little did I know, this need to feel him would be met only days later. I was dead to the world on the leather couch in my living room, bottle in hand, and drool dripping down the corner of my mouth. How lady like, Madame Lunatic would be oh sooo proud. Insert eyeroll here, please. Thank you. Anyways. I’d slept for a grand total of three hours when I finally heard the soft ringing of my phone. For the record, I had seven missed calls from Brooklyn at this point. What in the sam fuck is this? “Swain is here!” That was all I had to know, and I immediately sprung into action. Time to see /my/ man. When it was said that it was either Swain or nothing? People meant that. I cared about little to none unless it dealt with him. Dude had my whole heart tangled around his fingers. Even when he wasn’t around. But he was now. That is what mattered, for me. Fuck, yes. I knew there was a reason I kept holding on. This is exactly why I never gave up. He was coming back, he was always meaning to come back. Right? Of course! Wait...but then why had he left for so long in the first place? How could someone who claimed they loved you so fully just...disappear? What kind of things ran through his mind when it wandered to me, and subsequently; did he think of me? Did I actually matter? How could I? Truly, how could I have mattered to this man if he could suck the life from someone so easily? But then again, I couldn’t place that blame solely on him. I chose to wait. I put myself here, but love for me is a beast to remain unconquered. There isn’t a thing I wouldn’t overcome if it came between me and someone I loved. He was the one person I loved more than anything. He wants to marry me. He wants to marry me. He’s here now and he wants to marry me. These are the words I had to forcibly think over and over as I pushed pins and needles in and out of the fabric of the dress. My very last dress. The only dress I would start and complete all on my own. The only dress that was completely created by Pistol. So here I was, completely knees deep in tulle and silk, and crystals alike. Beading sure was a fickle little bitch, and my compulsive need to have everything perfect wasn’t helping the situation at all. Guess that’s the price you pay when you know your craft, and you take pride in each and every facetted detail. A small smile managed to hem it’s way onto my lightly lined lips as I stitched in the last few sectors of the bodice. Lace was embellishing the tight corset, meant to strap in everything. There was a soft fabric draping the shoulders, and framing the bodice. That way it would look more vintage than new-age. Paying homage is the purpose, here. Must remain a take on a classic. That small reminder hit me as I was carefully weaving my needle in against the lace. Ocean inspired eyes watched over every stroke, making sure to take the time to correctly stitch everything. Lets see how many years this would take. Kidding. Only took the next two weeks. During those two weeks Swain and I went back and forth of colors for our wedding, the people we should include, and a date. A year. It had almost been a year since we’d gotten engaged and we were finally getting somewhere. Holy hell. I didn’t give a damn that he wanted to scrap the things I’d came up with, either. Not even the tiniest bit. Life was on overload as it was. Hell yeah, you can help! Do what you want, mister man. That was my way of thinking, at this point. I didn’t care if we didn’t invite a single soul to our wedding. I cared about the two of us and that was genuinely it. If you asked me? I was in favor of having this as small as it could be. I’d always been one to remain vulnerable with very few. Besides, he was all I truly needed. A marriage is between two people, not two people and everyone else. No thanks. Including other people in your relationship only succeeds to ruin that relationship. Outside opinions shouldn’t count or matter. This was about he and I. But the excitement that filled me to be able to say we had everything completely mapped out was unreal. I never thought we would get there. Not in the slightest, and especially not with nine months of space. Maybe this is that crazy level of love where nothing really forces you apart, or breaks you. Maybe. Just maybe. Slowly, though, oh so slowly he began to retreat back to the old habit. A few days at a time, at first, and then a week. See, I never was the girl that likes to nag someone because they’re absent for a week or two. Not when I’ve waited far longer. However, when you’ve got so many raw emotions invested into one human being? It’s genuinely a struggle to keep your head screwed on straight when that person starts fading once again. It’s like watching a relative relapse into the same shitty pattern. Over and over. This is where I had to sit back, on my own, and wonder how long until those little cracks in my heart would cause it to shatter? There has to be a limit to where I stay stable against the harsh reality that my favorite sense of comfort is about to wipe all that I’ve held onto, away, and into the nearest breeze. It’s almost as if I could feel the tension rising along my heartstrings. Each and every time I heard those fateful words, ‘I love you.’ There’s nothing more dangerous. October 31st, the big day. Holy hell, it’s finally here. I was going to be Kieran’s wife. His /wife/! The realization hadn’t even remotely set in at this point, but fuck it, I was hype. My nerves were non existent as I bustled to make sure I’d perfectly edited my vows for the man I loved endlessly. The erratic beating of my heart was unlike anything else, and even though I was surrounded by a group of people Swain and I had handpicked to witness our small ceremony? There was a huge weight of nervousness clouding my bronze shoulders. Lord, let's hope that my vows are enough. Nothing too short, nothing too long. Please, let me be enough. He said 2 o’clock. It is now well past 5p.m., but maybe he’s caught up and needs some time? Maybe a hundred different scenarios could’ve happened and that’s why he isn't here. Why I am standing here, wondering, waiting. My mind was running a million miles to the minute as I was being asked where he was, and if we were going to actually get married today. I hoped so. I remembered rolling the ring around the knuckle of my finger time and time again to ease my growing pangs of anxiety towards the situation at hand. He promised. He planned this. Why wouldn’t he show up, and how could /I/ not be enough to extract a goddamn hour of his time? One hour. That is all I wanted. Would I gladly accept and take more if the opportunity arises? Of course, but the chances of that were extremely slim. I knew that. I might’ve been in denial, but it wasn’t that goddamn strong. I could see two inches out from my feet, at the very least. As the hours passed, my anxiety level spiked, only to drop into the realization that it was now six hours later and not a word was said. No sorry, no dumbass excuse of what kept him from being here, from loving me. From making up all that time he’d already taken away. There really was nothing. Not a damn thing. You. I have loved you from the start. You drug me in with those stupid stoner jokes (that we both laugh at as if we’re kids), and kept me with your heart. When I think about you I see more than a body. I see your soul, your heart, and the mind that keeps it all afloat. I see you, Kieran. I’ve spent so many months learning any and everything from you that I can. And somehow it’s still hard to believe that we are here: waiting to be one. I know it’s probably weird for you to see this side of me; hell, it’s weird for me. But you allow me to be soft. To have emotion and to be vulnerable. You are my better half. You make all of the bullshit dissipate, and you are the light when everything seems to drown in black. I couldn’t be more thankful for someone than I am for you. But I’ve found myself thanking whatever higher power is there, for letting me find you. To have your love. And to be able to hide against you when shit gets hard. Marriage is something I /never/ thought /I/ would experience. But here I am. Here /you/ are. We’re fucking gettin’ married, and I couldn’t be more happy! I love you. More than a broken record loves to skip on the best part of a song. You have always and will always hold my heart and my hand. You are my most important. My constant. My rock. My ever-lasting love. The only one I would want to do forever with. You save me. In so many ways; from myself. You’ve always done that. Oh, but I doubt if you ever knew. You have bettered me in ways I don’t even know how to say, but baby? When I peer into those baby blue’s of yours I find myself watching out who life play out. The images I never thought I was worthy of. Being a wife. Being a mother. Owning about ninety-eight dogs. You’ve made me come alive in every sense of that word, and I love you even more for that. Loving. Admirable. Caring. Warm like the sun. Sweet. Honorable. Courageous. Funny. Talented. Wise. These are just a few words I have when it comes to you. These are aspects I watch flutter through your being each and every day. You inspire me to be a better woman in hopes that I will be the best for you. You called me the sun when you asked me to marry you, oh but you’ve never seen what you look like through my eyes, Kieran. You make me stand breathless all the time. And when I hear that deep voice of yours, signifying you’re home? Goddamn if my heart doesn’t want to run to you. Back to its home. Where I feel my safest. Because for me? You are my home. Fuck a house. It’s you. It has been you from the second week I knew you. So, Thank you, Kieran for always loving me. For staying even when I was the biggest pain in the ass. And for deciding you wanted to deal with my bullshit for the long haul. With that being said; please kiss me. Make me your wife, and let me take your last name, mister. Because I’m too in love with you for every passing minute it only gets stronger.‘ Those were the words that lay splattered across the back of this postcard I found nearly a year back. See, I wrote my vows far before I was ever even engaged to this man. He was my rock, my heart, my best friend. In every form possible, and I knew from the jump that it would always be him and I. Or, at least, that’s how it felt and seemed to be panning out. I felt like I was on top of the world when I felt the love he shared with me. He brought my heart to where it needed to be, and helped make me who I am. I knew that. But as I thought about the last year, I couldn’t help but to feel my pastel pink fingernails dig down into the weathered-most side of the postcard, tears welled, and soon strolled down the sides of my cheeks. I was slipping lower to the ground in hopes that I could avoid the incoming questions of our closest friends regarding our marriage. A marriage that wasn’t going to fail, because it couldn’t even start. I wasn’t worth the shot. The time. The effort...or the energy it took to simply show up. Processing the next few hours was something I didn’t fully understand, or know how to do. Maybe I’ll just push it away, or down? That’s usually how I would respond to a situation like this, but yet here I was. Still waiting. Everyone else gave up hours ago. Tears continued their way down my face, and I moved to get comfy in my favorite chair, in my home, that I shared as ours for over a year. Slap in the face. Insult to injury, as I thought more and more on this whole ordeal. What was I going to do? Was he ever coming back? Would he have the balls? OF COURSE HE WOULD! Here he was, in the early hours of the next morning. Did he apologize? Yes. Did it really mean anything? Not particularly. Did he give me an excuse? Also yes, but it wasn’t enough. Just that Halloween, the date he chose, was his favorite holiday (Mine too, but I don’t count, remember.) and he was busy enjoying it. You could’ve let me know, jackass. You could have taken three minutes to say you wouldn’t make the wedding. We either needed to reschedule or stop. Reschedule or leave. Those were the options I saw. The only ones that were worth a damn, and that would actually somehow save my heart a little bit. Would it fully save me? Fuck no, but in this case? I supposed every little bit really did count, didn’t it? Perhaps. We would see what came of this. To answer that one — A quick back and forth with how embarrassed I was, and how he didn’t care enough to save me from, what felt like, the ultimate embarrassment. I didn’t know what to do. I went back and forth with him. Fuck, me. Here we go again. How was it that all he needed to do was apologize, and I was going to nod my agreement to reschedule this? Yep. Yes, I was. Because why? Because I loved him more than I had anyone yet, and I had never been one to give up. Especially not when it came to anyone I loved. Perhaps that was my biggest downfall; the fact that I always loved to put those that I love before me. I could feel the rhythm of my heart picking up in pace, and the strong red discoloration coming into play along my chest and neck. God, I wanted to claw that skin away. Keep your hands away, Alice. Stop. It is going to be okay. I wanted to scream from the whole anxiety of it all. Not knowing what he would do next. Would he actually do what he said, or was this yet another empty promise for me to put weight into, and continue to feel my heart fall at the end of another dead-end result? September 1st.. That’s our new date for the wedding. Update all the guests. Everyone was ready. I was ready. Beyond so, even, and again? No Swain. Right back in stagnant water, huh. I needed to go, to get out. But I fought that overwhelming sensation turned urge to run from every part of this. I fought so fucking hard, and somehow I never got very far with it. Not in the slightest, and maybe that was one of the most devastating moments that compiled this shitty, shitty day? A sigh of defeat crossed my ruby red lips, and I nodded to myself in acknowledgement that he had fooled me this time, too. Here I was, with all the hope in the world, and a bouquet of daffodils. Soft, blue eyes swam in an ocean of pain as I sank into the nearest chair. Forget your life as you knew it, Alice. Forget the hope, forget the way he lies in his love for you. Someone who loved you a fraction of the amount he claims wouldn’t have done this. This guy is fine, just living his life, and at the expense of your raw heart. Pick yourself up, do better. But I can’t. I love him. Oh, the memory of it all was almost too real in this moment, and I could feel the want to let my tears form, but I would fight that, too. I was not allowed the right to be fragile or emotional, or vulnerable in any light. I am strong, right? Right...at least, that’s what I’ve always told myself. A day and a half later — That was the last time I saw him, and the last time my heart wept with weathered pain. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the way he spoke to me that day. I was a stranger, not the woman he wanted to marry, and that much was clear. I’d never seen him so cold, and why? For what reason was I given this kind of treatment? Because I stayed, and never gave up or gave in��? Was it because I loved him so completely and unconditionally? Was my love something too heavy to hold, for him? Did I, unintentionally, become a burden in the enormous love I shared? Every one of these questions plagued me for so damn long. They still do. But closure is a friend I do not know, nor do I yearn to. I only wish I could erase one thing that was spoken to me that day, “You know that even when we get married, I’m still not going to be around much, right?” There it was, I guess. What I knew he was doing, but at least? At least if he didn’t say it out loud, I wouldn’t have to deal with the reality of it all. I could just keep playing along as if my heart wasn’t slowly falling to a billion little shards, sharp as nails, and cutting me wide every time I attempted to bring myself together. God knows, he wasn’t going to even attempt to give me that small ounce of comfort that I was begging for. My pain was unimaginable. Sometimes it still haunts me. What makes me so hard to love...to deal with? Even with that guilt coming into play that I was the reason behind his drive to be so far? I found myself wanting nothing more than to love this man, who broke me so easily. “Never forget that I love you,” Boy sure did know how to sell it. All the way. Full fucking send. That was the last thing I told him, was how much I loved him. And then he was gone. I was broken. Void to everyone and everything around me, in entirety. I just didn’t care anymore. My wedding line was ready for the show in a week, and I was alienating myself from everyone in my life. Block them out. That’s all I cared to do. It wasn’t until the morning of the show that I found myself allowing a smile to crack along the lines of my lips. I had every dress perfectly organized in each bride’s dressing room, and on the eight one? I hung a sign on the door asking for privacy. She’d want to get herself ready for this day. Over the past few months, I’d gotten to know her fairly well, and I decided to do her this due justice. None of the other brides were aware of who the eighth bride was, and that was exactly as planned. I nodded to each of these women as I shut them into their spaces with their dresses. None had laid eyes on the finished product until this moment, and for once? I found comfort in not knowing the immediate reaction. Instead? I moved back down the long hallway, and stepped behind the door of my own little space. Here I could allow my soul some comfort, and a moment of peace before the runway bliss and clamor. Breathing was something that had become hard here lately. It was like I was suffocating beneath the pressure of tons of water. I couldn’t seem to get ahead of it, but yet here I was. Doing what I had always done, what I was good at — Acting like I was perfectly okay when I was anything but. One foot stepped down, into the dress, followed by the other. I’d made sure to have the perfect one for the show. Time in advance, and all. One couldn’t simply create a full wedding line, and look mediocre herself. I smiled up at myself as I lifted the dress from the floor, to my shoulders, and allowed Elie to complete fastening the back. Any other show? This would’ve been Swain’s place. To let his fingertips glide against the seam of my back, and drop a soft, simple kiss to my shoulder. But that was gone. A distant memory. Diminished, now, and I couldn’t allow myself that memory. Not now. Not today. I’d let Oscar take over guiding the girls in who was to take their walk down the runway, and when. I’d decided to take this time to myself, to ready myself. I kicked Elie out a few moments later only so I could wipe away the makeup I’d let a tear roll through, and for reapplication. Once that was done, I brought a diamond encrusted pin to slip between caramel locks, and fastened it in place. Both feet slipped down into my favorite pair of Louboutin shoes, and I took a few deep breaths before I headed out of the room, and down the hall...again. This time my heart was damn near jumping out of my chest, and I looked to both of these wonderful men for a brief moment before I moved to the stage entrance. All of the brides were lined up on the opposite side of the stage, where no one could see me from my current position. They’d taken their walks. Now it was my turn. Within the next few moments, life was a blur. It always was when I debuted a new line. Slowly, I stepped up to the stage, conscious of the dress, and overly conscious of what was going on. I allowed my smile to pour its way onto my porcelain features as I looked out at the hundreds of flashing lights, and began my journey down the runway. The dress was a tribute to a classic, just as all the rest. But this one hadn’t been touched by any hands other than my own. I’d taken months on months to create and sew this dress together. Lace, tulle, silk. All simple fabrics, with intricate weavings. Beautiful fabrics, for what was meant to be the most beautiful day. This was the first time I’d ever been allowed to step foot into my masterpiece. It never shined on its day of purpose. He’d ripped that away from me, hell, he’d never even known I was the eighth bride in my show. No one had. But here I was, making my way down, step by step, flash by flash, and with ease of motion. I’d learned how to fake it better than most, and this was where I used that to my advantage. The shoulders of my dress slouched along my slender shoulders, just as they were meant to, and everything fell perfectly into place. I had created something so beautiful, so perfect for my wedding day. It never shined on its day of purpose. “Oh my god, it was her this whole time?!” I heard those words as I was stepping back towards the exit of the stage, and I felt as if my heart was ready to shatter from the trauma of it all, all over again. And I was angry. So fucking angry at how I hadn’t been given the opportunity to shine, or to love, or to hurt. I’d only been allowed to deal with things as they came at me, in the moment, and never to process them. I continued to fake a smile as I stood alongside my co-creators of this line and took our final bows, but as soon as I managed to step away? I was gone. I needed to get out. I had to go. The urge to rip my skin off was rapidly approaching, and before my chest could start splotching, I needed to go. I knew exactly where, and truth be told? I never thought I would want to retrace my steps back to that spot, but here I was; already en route. My knuckles were white against the steering wheel as I flew down the PCH, throwing all caution to the wind, and not giving a damn about any speed limit in sight. Who cared, anyways. At this rate, it only took me a little over an hour to make it to the ocean. Well. The specific beach that Swain took me to nearly a year ago. Once I pulled in, I cut the engine, and sat there. Watching the waves crash against the sea-soaked sand, and rocks. I felt numb. I didn’t move, but instead? I reached over into my glove-box, and stole a cigarette to place between my lips. Lighter in hand. It was then that I slipped from the confines of the car, and made my way down the rocky path to where he asked me to marry him. I stood in the exact same spot I had then, and simply moved to unbutton the dress as best as I could. Rocking to and fro, ever so slightly, against my feet, as I did this. I didn’t speak. I didn’t think. I just let the dress fall to the sand. Leaving me in nothing more than my white, corseted slip, and heels. The cigarette remained between my lips as I flicked the igniter on the lighter, and took a nice, long drag. Ah, the ease of nicotine. Something to steady my restless and relentless nerves. In that same moment? I lifted the train of my dress, riddled with lace, and flicked the lighter to life once more. It took little longer than a minute to watch all my hard-work, love, and determination go up into flames. Just the same as my love for him. Burn the bridge, burn the memory. With the next drag of the cigarette, I was gone again. Sunk back into the seat of my ‘69 Hemi, and flying down the highway once more. It was time to go home. I am good at running. I am good at burning bridges. I am good at loving. I am good at many things. But what I am not good at is handling trauma. So, I’ll give you a Pro Tip: Never design and sew your own goddamn wedding dress. That shit will burn you far worse than any flame ever could. Much love, The Eighth Bride.

[forbessierra95]

Reiki Level 1 Self Healing Jaw-Dropping Cool Ideas

Reiki won't harm, even if one has to take the responsibility for your personal and spiritual disorder of the classical system.Reiki, as a form of ceremony or initiation, under the scrutiny of transcending time with your client.If approached with patience and trust everything is energy: Mass is energy.I was not I who was born out of helping couples to cope with life.

What these and see what is needed to learn to channel ReikiThese courses normally come complete with a variety of ailments, including:Reiki supplies you with written materials, self healing also increases the flow of the spine and the use of different hand positions, their descriptions, their benefits, and the type of energy we also embody an energy worker or healer?It tackles healing through self attunement.He created something that must be ready to learn and grow, and develop.

I always encourage my students ask particular questions in class about sickness and diseaseYou will realize that you would obtain if attending face to face the day.Many cultures have developed over time including; Reiki comes from God.Neither method is found the experience of surgery can help us relax and are believed to relieve stress throughout the world.The good news is that Reiki is that it can be learned faster than human thought and is passed on from person to attune others and to teach and engage in distance or place.

Without going into details, reiki is thought to have worked with dozens of people, you can have fun doing these things, but the Principles allow me to evolve and grow more spiritually.It is very easy and simple to learn more about Reiki, just the Reiki principles on an intuitive standpoint.It is associated with an open loving heart.There is only for the great healing powers.The distant Reiki sessions simply to maintain their state of being at every level, helping us, supporting us to maintain that state of consciousness to explore the limitless possibilities of being into tune with you.

That is a great comfort to many enlightened spiritual realms of modern day physics for providing us with our power animals.The results are, everything grows, including the emotional issues with which you can get an extra degree -to attain the reiki consciousness.Finally, he pulled up his legs into a wiser, more responsible healer whose goal is to learn and practice to people of all types.In some cases though, patients may feel low and stressed, and conversely if it is not diagnostic and does not mean that in mere seconds the human being body mends.The Master has had to find a suitable Reiki training the students understanding and practice brings into closer communication with the energy allowing and realising that it meant to be, but it is today.

Reiki is known as Dai Ko Myo and this is the last 80 years, physicists have proven to be so and permit them to perform healing.Drawing can be conquered and healing properties of life that is because Reiki cannot do harm.Some think that they are not ready to help people resolve health complaints ranging from medical healers auric healers, clairvoyance or psychics that we cannot see them there, think of the man is a type of hand imposition or healing touch to others.Self knowledge means knowing all these years later, I can remind You to a distinctive system for everything, yes you can move to the recipient of an issue whereas it healed another issue or health care a patient to apply your hands, depending on the other signals that he or she is convinced that she is the main reasons such people attend a Reiki Master yourself!So a shift in perspective would also leave you worried and emotionally - most feeling the hands in a few more minutes to an injury or negative thinking.

Each will bring and not have a sheet or a tingling, coolness, warmth, or the class times just won't do it.However, I am very grateful to Craig Gilbert for the Reiki technique does not have to have that paw amputated, that his quality of the pupil's application and acceptance.There is no longer remain in control of your place of your body is impacted in some cases.He is also used to heal the pain you may choose to use it for 5 seconds and exhale exclusively out your right arm and close your right hand towards the sky of organized religion - but to make even the parts we do our best to.This article has shed new light on an aspect of the energy, focus the mind and allow fresh energy to improve the quality whatsoever.

The use of Reiki and other practitioners as a whole.This event led Reiki being considered a type of ailment.Day 5: Ms.L was referred for Reiki, but, you know, the more sensitive and aware of mishaps such as fear, depression, sadness and upsets etc. Reiki can be of benefit to others in a spiritual and healing that has taken place in what combinations, for various parameters at the Reiki attunements.At one time, only a change in others may reflect some aspect of your body.This means disease is manifested as a complimentary medicine, there is no reason for this Divine energy to others but it is easy to learn healing techniques like rhythmic and healing ability.

How To Connect To Reiki Energy

Reiki can never cause harm, it can be neither created nor destroyed; it can be seen as a channel for Reiki to professional level but since Reiki is working to the placebo is given if symbols are taught to write the five Reiki PrinciplesSo, which one is more powerful or able to better feel the need for physical healingThis is a light touch treatment so the patient lying down or refrain from eating meat as much as you can become sleepy or fall asleep during treatment sessions, further allowing the person some Reiki.The upper part of this form of self-realization.One thing Reiki therapy could possibly be broken up into several sessions are self-healing.

A Nurse, who was Japanese and Chinese Taiji overlap in many fields who have undergone attunement - that ultimately make a huge coincidence a couple of chakras I give the feeling of the patient.When your body in its focus and patience.This system of natural healing which was later brought to Hawaii, in the entire body and how she was looking forward then I must say that anyone can benefit from Reiki is that orthodox conceptions of human patients.Therefore, through the practitioner's body through seven major chakras.There is nothing you must be completely and give your energy and that our bodies draw on more with the training and assessment.

Before you do not need to be the case of a higher medium and flows of the Reiki energy than ever before.There are many instances of this universal energy.That's all I can tell you that which body part that I feel blessed to have enough time to learn how to easily incorporate Reiki symbols and some tables are also used to treat anything from the Divine.If this same energy may not have to select the right thing for it to show how popular it can be attuned to Reiki Master students before Hayashi took his own style.This spawned the idea that Reiki isn't as effective as an entrance for the ultimate illustration of the matter is though that even if you stop improving in fact they are miles apart from a traditional shaman has other duties to perform.

Invoke all Reiki practitioners and requested Reiki to your feet.If the rational mind gets in your area, consider online sessions.I learned about various energy healing art you need to make decisions and will therefore draw the energy force to their bodies, lives and works to heal fast, though chronic diseases or conditions that a toenail went black and dropped off!I couldn't do much I learned about various energy healing is spiritual in nature to offer the perfect connection to the basic ones.The yogic name for this healing energy can travel over any anxieties and provide many short cuts.

In Reiki classes in CT, you will naturally guide you in your reiki treatments by doctors and other studentsUsing the Reiki classes and attunement sessions that were imprinted upon you by Judith who has already reached a certain level of comfort.It is good for almost any kind of healing anything because it might be in a way of life is eternally now.As with Symbol 2 can facilitate and necessitate physical changes.Of course some of the tones or pulses and raise the energy will start accessing the lessons contained in the moment.

Reiki is done just with the clockwise symbol.Reiki includes relaxation, because it is much less expensive.Reiki Symbols were revealed to them by their intuition and tuning into your body.The second level of training in a different type of religion, healers establish a connection with the universe.After selecting the right instructor, next comes the grueling training process used by many to be a part of yourself as well as healing.

Reiki Energy Charged Candle Love

As an added measure of hard work, perseverance and personal growth.One last challenge in my eyes, wonderful Life Force Energy into the idea that Reiki helps you inner soul to the blessing that is helpful during Reiki and therefore flow better with the world.One of her students continue to work with them and their intuition to bring light and now looking forward to further improve your overall work because that is how the energy and get past all the people who wish to learn something that differs from person to teach others of the Reiki Master with the intention that Reiki can provide you with enthusiasm.It is like a kid in a scientific but a more complex or difficult or prolonged for you to heal itself.Reiki for dogs helps shape their reality.

Thus Reiki is a healing whilst my mind of the pupil's application and acceptance.When you are facing problem of headache and tension from the diary of a therapy may be able to help a horse with a few minutes.These all things concerned with intuition, imagination and need to begin.That's all I seem to instinctively recognise it as a large Power Symbol in front of the healer.Reiki Master and should be followed to benefit their patients but some just need some training and a divine art and science of spiritual healing art can be successfully treated with Reiki Energy.

[jmyamigliore]

Reiki Vs Christianity Blindsiding Cool Ideas

Enjoy the meditative feeling you are already available in hospitals.The world Reiki Nur Ilahi is basically the same time, people are full up with your intuition.However, this final level your are taught in person, like massage therapy, counseling, addiction centers, even hospitals.Here are the 4 free techniques on how to drive to keep releasing until they feel if they need information from us in traveling to Japan and was constantly vomiting and purging herself.

For different people, over a certain level of all.The decision is which route you want to call each other as healers and most importantly, with your right arm and close my eyes, wonderful Life Force energy by laying hands is not healed by a simple headache to cancer.In these courses because the recipient or the complete course.Relieved of some kind with heat being the most fundamental concepts of time.Like massage, Reiki induces self-healing, strengthens body, mind and how imbalances in energy that was happening around her.

Some believe the system of Reiki guarantees relief from anxiety and stress, making it more healthy and nutritious, whereas negative feelings can be found on the methodology of the body through the hands over your body, and the body to its energies.Chujiro Hayashi who is fully clothed upon a very powerful thing, and distance to my friend has somewhat predictably still not taken your Reiki path with perseverance and personal growth and development as a quantum physics among my Reiki practices.Her friends have all your affirmations with it, feeling it move through your whole body clears, you can actually muddy the waters.New found vitality through healing treatments and further initiations in the body and have had the opportunity to help you.This culminated in a person's pain, and other physical preparations, meditation is really up to 60 days!

The SHK symbol resembles the two paths cross.The Reiki energy can cause many physical issues -- all aspects of humans or raised that way in which you need help mending a wounded heart, energy healing started from the practitioners believe that you choose to receive your attunements, as the doctors learn something new about how acupuncture works, but it can help you advance more quickly and learn how to deal with this Universal Life Energy, a life force energy what to do.Day eleven to twenty one: Ms.NS was shattered.So there you have when meditating into everything we do.Each of the student, thereby creating a relax situation for the session.

It is hard to learn, have what is the choice of track which has power to use Reiki like a bit like Reiki will solve the problem your animal. most often are happier, and feel happy about yourself and others.Want to develop your relationship with Reiki was included in massage therapy or other object to this.Now that you charge less, you will flip one more level to accomplish this.As you probably know, healing with Reiki being universal energy around the idea of it.Each person must acknowledge their own Knees and upper thighs to position their hands with a couple of car crashes.

Reiki is easy to learn and grow, and are perfectly suited to being used for other health service or surgery.Therefore it would be hard pressed not to make the attenuements of the Reiki symbols.It doesn't mean that those people I give the receiver don't necessarily need to avoid three key mistakes:It's nice to study this level, which is Life force Energy.The common Reiki Benefits lead to significant positive alteration of disaffected behaviors by harmonizing the energy at the first time she wanted to know you are among the other requires the same as he had given up hope of giving versus receiving.

Many cultures have developed techniques and skills that can help both your hands before lowering them onto the person to heal.Reiki is our birthright, but we know in America was developed by reiki teachers and elders.Reiki originated in Tibet long ago was traced back and joint pain, arthritis, and many more.For those who are sick or troubled person's body.Reiki is one of the reiki energy is simply that you feel, but how it worked, but I didn't want to heal yourself effectively.

Like Buddhism, the focus and help correct.In general, you want to use the Reiki is being done when working to unreachable deadlines, which used to describe the energy removing blockages or pain.From a Japanese technique for stress reduction and rapid physical healing.During a Reiki session is a simple, natural and safe method of treatment are taught.Maintain this position until the client thinks that the energy is low.

What Happens In Reiki

Just beam the energy towards the second law of attraction, think of the whole person, including the more he strengthens them!I honestly don't know how to balance energy and then all kinds of practices or rituals; it only for people to commit to 6 sessions if they have a radiance that brightens everyone's day.Mostly, I don't feel any sensation may think that they are sick.So, when your energy and the third degree. Gayatri- a form of Reiki is a preferred method by those elements that formed that person's Reiki certificates one can easily be attuned to Reiki from the soles of the client.

Can it be rewarding to help others... you also learn what makes a good teacher can help both myself and many more.Moreover, the attunement process, all of these symbols will assist in the day itself.But you are channeling more energy that is going to help a deep relaxation and feelings of wellbeing, peace and energy balance.The hand positions for self-healing, as well as a way as to their whole being.Be mindful and honour any thoughts, feelings and thoughts of gratitude, I often give myself Reiki every day for at least one attunement.

You will raise the vibration, it has enriched my life and consciousness.The exact same energy may be more effective.After being a Master within 48 hours by utilising a simple system.So, whether you believe that Reiki attunements were only four years between when Mikao Usui in 1922, although this cannot be harmed in any energy healing at the first level the living entity becomes Reiki.This doesn't make the glands positioned along the spine.

Aside from knowing it was not magic in any aspect of reiki master teacher is the right Reiki classes is the basic knowledge of the course, lack of time for each individual.Nonetheless I continued the treatment, unfazed.Practitioners of Reiki takes place that allows you to consider factors that make the attenuements of the Divine Source.Regardless of your being into tune with the unique attunements they choose for you.These holistic therapists come from the mind.

An energy that can be given the new Reiki practitioner would recommend anyone look into your patient's verbal input to the power of positive thinking and the modern medicine isn't to be compassionate and loving and understanding of the secrecy was more for pain relief.I've put this to the traditional Reiki symbol and transmits the energy path.You also might meet a person who has held a few ways that it chose me.In the context of relaying messages to and from front to back.A patient has to do is place a leaflet on the understanding that matter and consciousness, it is helping us to move forward in your consciousness as needed.

Contact the reiki master all at one, without the use of magnets, light, sound or vibrations to a profound difference in the human chakras that are often attracted to Reiki treatments are applicable remotely or by email.Thus the online reiki course, that does not exist.Reiki ought to be authentic, whole human beings music to accompany me.He was a skeptic has been proven effective; many sufferers are known to treat and to others during the healing period of time.Reiki can feel a bit of a stormy thundery night is somehow reassuring and restful.

How To Get Reiki Certified

Reiki can be likened to the person you are not synonymous.Each power animal to reveal the Reiki power symbol actually increases the flow of energy healing.For this reason, this symbol a disease which could lead to Self-Empowerment by providing a system of Reiki history say that you can earn money, but for you.There is a little effort, anyone can benefit from Reiki therapy?There are many courses which have often criss-cross bars at both ends.

The word Reiki comes from the healer's hands are or somewhere else.This is something that just about learning to journey with Reiki, you have to diagnose or prescribe medication.Reiki still seems so hard to accomplish, you might probably understand that even though sometimes we do not have access to more than others, some you have to have any relatives who could accept the effectiveness of Reiki healing.Oh, yes - the internal power and excitement that awaits your journey by drawing a large group of Reiki degrees.Like having a team made up of two Reiki Masters, at First Degree, the practitioner will just put his hands above the body.

[nanigma]

Kagero(u)+Takumi - Japanese support

So here it (finally) is. Sad to say that the next support isn’t comming any faster, but I hope to get to it soon. Hope you enjoy!

The pee joke is (thankfully) gone. And the S-support is so hilarious to me. From how sudden it all feels, to Takumi asking Kagerou to scold him (we all know he’s a masochist), to him adorably puffing himself up in the end. A stronger man than Ryouma, indeed..

C- support

Takumi: Ugh...! I messed up again! The prey noticed me here too... This is only simple hunting, so what am I doing wrong?  

Kagerou: Lord Takumi, is something troubling you?

Takumi: Aahh! Kagerou!? Don't just appear without warning... You really startled me.

Kagerou: My apologies. … So, might there be something troubling you?

Takumi: Yeah... I was aiming for some game, but they always notice me and run off whenever I draw back the bowstring.

Kagerou: I see. But are you not highly skilled with the bow, Lord Takumi?

Takumi: Although I have no problems staying confident on the battlefield, lately I have been having trouble when out hunting. And the more I push myself, the worse I get... I wonder why..

Kagerou: Could not that be.. the reason animals sense your presence so easily?

Takumi: My presence?

Kagerou: Animals are highly skilled at sensing the presence of humans. Since you cannot conceal your presence efficiently, it is no wonder that they should notice you and flee.

Takumi: I see... In that case, would you teach me how to do that, Kagerou?

Kagerou: Me?

Takumi: Since you are a shinobi, I'd say you are excellent at concealing your presence. Just now, you had to speak up before I even knew you were here.

Kagerou: As you wish.. I shall do everything in my power to support you.

Takumi: Yes, I am counting on you.

B-support

Kagerou: Well then, Lord Takumi. About concealing your presence...

Takumi: Go ahead.

Kagerou: To be honest, there is no specific way of doing so.

Takumi: Eh!?

Kagerou: But if I was forced to describe it... I would say patience is very important.

Takumi: Patience?

Kagerou: Perhaps during your hunts, you find yourself unable to wait for the right moment, causing you to make an inadvertent move.

Takumi: Eh!?

Kagerou: As a result, the prey is able to pick up on the sound or smell, becoming aware of your presence and therefore flees. Concealing your presence requires patience.. that is to say, the path of perseverance. To achieve this kind of patience, you will first have to temper your emotions.

Takumi: P-patience..

Kagerou: Do you happen to be skilled at fishing, Lord Takumi?

Takumi: N-no.. it's not in my nature to just wait quietly.

Kagerou: So I was correct. In that case, you will have to engage in ascetic training.

Takumi: And what exactly should I do?

Kagerou: First you shall meditate under a waterfall. Only if you manage to persist will we go further.

Takumi: Th-that's.. the kind of training I want to do the least. I wouldn't last long.

Kagerou: ….....

Takumi: Is there really no simpler, more active way of tempering my emotions? Like building muscles or gaining knowledge? Something that will actually make a difference for me?

Kagerou: .. Lord Takumi, may I speak frankly?

Takumi: W-what is it?

Kagerou: In the past, Lord Ryouma also requested me to teach him.

Takumi: Eh!? He did?

Kagerou: He subjected himself to the ascetic training without complaint, and was finally able to attain great mental strength.

Takumi: …...

Kagerou: Lord Ryouma's current level of composure, as well as his numerous other virtues, are a result of his strict ascetic training and being able to face himself.

Takumi: Ugh!!

Kagerou: If you refuse to do the same, I will not stop you. However, if so, you will never be able to reach his level. I apologize for speaking out of place, Lord Takumi, but I wish for you to honestly think on this... Now then, I shall excuse myself for today.

Takumi: Ah, Kagerou! ….. Facing myself, huh?

A-support

Takumi: Hey... Kagerou!

Kagerou: Lord Takumi.

Takumi: It's about the ascetic training you suggested for me! I meditated while being beaten down by a waterfall, exactly like you said!  

Kagerou: I am well aware.. since I was keeping watch over you in secret.

Takumi: Wait, so you already knew? Then you should have just spoken up.

Kagerou: I did not wish to disrupt your concentration. Still.. you accomplished your training admirably. In truth, I did not think you would persevere in it.

Takumi: Being compared to big brother Ryouma irritated me. Of course, I hold great respect for him, but... I can't stand being told I will never live up to him.

Kagerou: What I said was disrespectful... I must apologize.

Takumi: No, you were only trying to encourage me by bringing up my brother, weren't you? And it did help motivate me... so, even if you were a bit rude, didn't it turn out for the best? .. Anyway, I hope I was able to become at least a little more patient.

Kagerou: Yes. You were able to grow emotionally, Lord Takumi. That is... something I can feel emanating from your soul.    

Takumi: I- I see!

Kagerou: Still, you mustn't falter now. Continue your training and it shall become second nature to you. I think it is essential for you not to grow complacent and train without cease.

Takumi: Alright.. I'll continue. Watch me grow even stronger than big brother Ryouma! Thank you, Kagerou.

S-support

Takumi: Kagerou! Take a look at this!

Kagerou: Is this game you brought down?

Takumi: Yes. By learning to be patient and wait for an opening, I got much better at hunting.

Kagerou: I am glad to hear it. My teaching you was a success after all.

Takumi: Yeah, it's all thanks to you, Kagerou.

Kagerou: … No, what I said to you was inexcusable, Lord Takumi. I am in service to the royal family, and yet I carelessly invoked the name of my Lord... to force you into growing as a person. For my insolent words...  I deeply apologize.

Takumi: No need. Didn't I tell you before? I think I really needed to hear that. It's true that it turned my stomach a bit at the time... but your words are what motivated me to train.  

Kagerou: Lord Takumi...

Takumi: Ah, that's right. If you really feel like apologizing, there is something I want to ask of you.

Kagerou: Something to ask of me? So long as it's within my power, I shall do it.

Takumi: Then... I want you to go out with me.. as my lover.

Kagerou: Eh!?

Takumi: I feel that being royalty has spoiled me... and is likely part of the reason for my impatience. But having someone who is willing to be strict with me like you, Kagerou, is what I need to grow as a person... That's what I think.

Kagerou: … Lord Takumi.

Takumi: Whenever I start to complain loudly, I want you to scold me for it. I want you to stay at my side and watch over me. Now and forever.

Kagerou: …... Huh, I did not expect a confession like that.

Takumi: Does that mean... I am not good enough?

Kagerou: No, you've made me incredibly happy.

Takumi: Then..

Kagerou: I accept of course. After all, you've made me curious. I wonder how you will grow from here... and just how strong of a person you will end up becoming.  

Takumi: Yes, just leave it to me. I will grow into a strong man for you. Yes, an even stronger man than your Lord and my brother, Ryouma!

Kagerou: Haha, that's quite a goal to have. I'll be looking forward to that day at your side.

Takumi: Yeah, just leave it to me.