#I know the logical answer to EVERYTHING would be “take a break doofus”

[soggy-fishsticks]

guys ive been drawing so much lately I've been starting to actually hate it 🙁

[popculturebuffet]

Ducktales Final Four: The Life and Crimes of Scrooge McDuck Review! or The Batman Trial Episode but with Ducks, Sharks, And the Fonz

Hello all you happy people and welcome to the penultimate Ducktales review... for season 3 anyway. I still have most of season 1, all of season 2 (I did cover one but I’ll probably redo it), the tie-in comics, the 87 series, and even then i’ll never really be done with ducks between all the scrooge comics and other duck related shows like Darkwing Duck and Quack Pack. But as far as covering the show as it comes out as i’ve done for the past year, that’s’ts almost done. It’s honestly just starting to hit as I type this: this is the second to last episode. After next week while there’s always fan fiction (And I certainly aim to contribute to that), a possible Darkwing Duck Reboot under frank (though that’s in doubt) where they could show up, and a movie down the road given what we saw with Phienas and Ferb and the show’s popularity it’s still not the same as getting these well animated, well crafted adventures every week with breaks or the ocasional entire week of them. The show won’t go on, and whatever happens with the property next is a mystery no amount of ducks can solve. 

So with all that in mind naturally this episode is a breather episode: It’s not unimportant: like the rest of the season it ties off a lot of loose ends, adds in some stuff we didn’t know we wanted, and in general feels necessary like every episode this season. It’s something I credit the season for immensley: They knew this would probably be it so while they had more stories to tell, they made sure if these were their last, to leave no loose ends. And outside of ones they just never wanted to address in the first place like “What happened to Donald’s parents”, “Why was every trace of Della missing despite Scrooge’s search for her having just ended”, and “What did Della thing of the decades long seperation”, they’ve tied up pretty much all of them except for FOWL and what Beakly was lying about, and I feel both are about to ducktail into one another int he finale. Could be wrong but  I applaud them for tying off almost every loose end and character arc by this episode that isn’t related to FOWL in some way. Not every show can do that: She Ra was a masterpiece but still had a few things like Scorpia and Catra’s broken relationship, Hordak’s reformation and Adora’s Parents just left up in the air due to time constraints, Steven Universe ONLY got to go back and answer a lot of questions because they were lucky enough to get an epilogue mini series, and Star Vs... was not as good as either show by the end and by the finale about 80% of things it’d brought up all had the following answer:

My point is it’s VERY hard, even when you know the end is coming to tie everything up in a neat bow. And I can’t know how good the finale be or how satsifying it will be but given how well this season’s wrapped everything up so far,  i’m betting on immensely. But we can talk about that when it finally comes around next week. For now we have a trial episode to talk about that’s mostly good.. mostly. See why the mostly under the cut as I discuss and recap the episode with full spoilers.  Count it down!

We open in the Mansion, where a bunch of tribble like Fuzzy creatures are running amok. Unsuprisingly, Scrooge bought one for Louie as a pet to teach him responsiblity.. again. And once again he instead turned into a get rich quick scheme, didn’t read the manual and now they have an infestation. 

ONCE AGAIN, Louie is written like he’s barely changed at all in the past three seasons. Anyone whose been following my reviews regularly knows this has been a pet peeve of mine for the entire season. Despite having an ENTIRE arc about Louie growing as a character and learning the human cost of his scheming and to use his angle seeing talent’s wisely, the writers keep writing him as if he learned nothing. I went back to track it and while not as often as it felt I noticed a few things. The first is that it WASN’T like this for the first half of the season. No really. He even learns brand new lessons in The Trickening and Louie’s Eleven. Granted he also exploits his uncle in Louie’s Eleven but that’s mostly played for laughs.. still not a great bit but not a major part of the episode. 

So he was fine for the first act of the season... but then for whatever reason from Let’s Get Dangerous onwards (Again I don’t count the Christmas episode as both of those are meant to slot in anywhere and chronologically take place before this season for the timeline to make any sense), he’s just...

He’s utterly insufferable in his small parts of the first half of Let’s Get Dangerous! as he berates Huey for daring to look a gifthorse int he mouse.. even though everytime he’s seemingly got something for nothing or minimal effort it’s backfired and it’s something that seeemd to stick with “The Richest Duck in the World!”. He’s fine in Impossibin and alright in split sword as while he clearly hadn’t learned lying isn’t the best policy we at least got a good story out of it. He then went right back to obnoxious with New Gods on the Block where he, EPISODES AFTER THE SOLEAGEO FISACO again thinks an easy way out is the right way, and has NO guilt over possibly killing a bunch of people with his gold powers and in fact is disapointed he dosen’t get to keep a living being turned to gold!. He spents all of Fight for Castle McDuck being a huge dick to Huey AGAIN iwth no lesson, and now has yet another family endagering get rich quick scheme he feels no remorse about. 

I will admit when I”m wrong and I DID think it was in way more of the season than I thought. And let’s face it in real life personal issues don’t just go away and you can sometimes slide back, i’ve done it way too many times and i’m not proud of it. We’re only human. But this isn’t real life, this is cartoon ducks. And cartoon duck wise most character development has stuck or if a bad trait’s come back it’s been in a new way. Webby is still trusting, but knows how the world works now and while idolizing scrooge dosen’t think he’s perfect anymore. Huey is no longer a skpetic towards the super natural and hasn’t forced a party on anyone. Dewey hasn’t craved other people’s love or thought he needed to earn his mom’s love again. And that’s just the other kids. They aren’t the same people theyw ere going in, neither is Louie. So it’s grating when an episode acts like h’es exactly the same, let alone almost a fifth of the season.

What makes it even worse though is that he had an ENTIRE STORY ARC dedicated to learning some of these lessons already. With the others if one episode were forgotten i’d let it slide as it happens with tv, i’m used to it. It’s not a great look but it happens. Mistakes happen again we’re all human. But you can’t act like an entire arc of a series didn’t exist. While they ignore Della’s history somehow being hidden for the rest of the show they don’t ignore that Dewey spent a whole season looking for her, as he never hides something like that from his brothers again nor do they, and he’s out of them the biggets mama’s boy. While they did take a while to adress Lena, partly because the episode got pushed back, they didn’t act like season 1 never happened and she was still working for her aunt. Della still isn’t on the moon and Owlson still isn’t working for glomgold. Actions. Have. Consequences. That’s the whole point of this episode, but they act like none of it got through to louie and it makes his arc feel like a giant waste in hindsight. This episode even feels like it was SUPPOSED to be in that arc: Louie is back to his season 2 characterization, Scrooge is actively trying to mentor him again.. it just feels really out of place as our second to last episode in that way and drags it down a bit.

Thankfully after Scrooge bars the door, and possibly leaves everyone to their deaths but he presumably has enough faith in the kids, the twins and Beakley to take care of it, he gets a summons to court.. and gets kidnapped. He and Louie are whisked away to a mystic court presided over by a giant statue of justice holding scales, that judges someone based on Karma. Scrooge’s foes have brought him to court, blaming him for being evil and if he looses he looses EVERYTHING. And their proscutor? 

Sadly not Droopy, maybe next continuity, but searing the same Hannibal-Esque Getup is Doofus Drake to Louie’s horror. As for why he’s like this.. he thought iht was fun. Great gag. 

After the credits we find out why he’s doing this: He’s still pissed about Louie taking half his inheritance and giving it to his family, so he’s going to take LOUIE’S inheritance. It’s.. honestly a great setup: Doofus was already a villian I liked, being a nice weird evil mirror dewey instead of a walking fat joke like last series. So I was glad to both see him pop up one last time to make it a full trilogy of apperances as an angonist and to see him take a step up from his passive roll in the past: in his first two apperances while he was evil and abusive, and still is, his evil was mostly due to his own warped logic, feeling he could put shock collars on and control people and that Louie lying to him was enough to warrant making him into a pinata. He’s still a bad person mind you: kid or not he ensdlaved his parents, tried to enslave louie and goldie and in general REALLY needs some help empathizing with people. But my point is that before he didn’t come after anyone.. so it’s a nice capper to have his final turn as antaognist be him going after our hero.. and at his most dangerous. Before someone would’ve come for Louie eventually in Doofus’ first apperance and Goldie would’ve found a way out or Scrooge, despite grumbling about it, would’ve helped.. if nothing else than to lord having to save her from a 12 year old over her. Here if he wins the family is out on the street and three of their greatest enemies are now infinitely more well funded. 

So while naturally unnerved by his rival Louie offers to defend Scrooge who denies it despite the fact that Louie is REALLY good with words, and Scrooge, while not bad with them, can’t stop shouting and keeps pissing off the baliff, played by my boy Henry Winkler whose done a lot of voice work and also played Fonzie on Happy Days, is currently on the HBO series barry and in general is just a fucking delight. The irony is also not lost on me that he’s not playing a lawyer here despite being one on arrested development. 

We get our first witness: FLINTHEART GLOMGOLD. Hell. Yes. It’s nice to see him in his full glory one last time, as I don’t know how much he’ll be in the finale. Scrooge blows of the Duke Baloney thing, which is fair given that while Scrooge screwed up there, Glomgold still stole money from him right after and then spent his whole life trying to one up him. But Glomgold has a different tale in mind as he stole something else from him: the limelight. 

It was 1980-something and Glomgold was a bonified celebrity in Duckberg for his hot dogging, grandstanding and treasure hunting loved by all and took Baba Wawa, a nice mix of Barbra Walters and the parody of her on SNL by the late Gilda Radner, to a shark shaped cave to get the gem of the shark god, a ruby tooth at the end of the cave. Naturally Scrooge popped up and easily made his way through and stole the spotlight. As it turns out he wasn’t always well loved and it makes sense: he dismises Baba asking him about how disliked he is, and dosen’t care and even in the current story, or rather season 1 of it, he dismiseed PR entirely in Jaw$. He was rich enough and enough of a job provider he just didn’t see the need for fame or glory, that just came second so it’s logical no one liked him. Fortunes naturally reverse as you’d expect though: Glomgold dashes forward and ends up putting Baba and her camerabird in danger and being Glomgold he irrationally assumes she’s working for Scrooge and leaves her to die. Scrooge however, after getting the rock, goes out of his way to save her because it’s the right thing to do. He can be selfish at times, and as we’ll see monstrously so, but at his core Scrogoe is a good man who will do right when the chips are down. So this leaves Glomgold trapped and Scrogoe getting his good press instead and realizes he likes the attention. 

As the flashback ends Glomgold fills in the gaps, pointing out he was stuck with the sharks for days, but slowly bonded with them learned from them and they became family, helping him with traps, joining him for thanksgiving and even getting a heart taatoo with a shark on it. Awww. Look I didn’t really need to know where Glomgold’s love of sharks came from, nor that he had some weird tarzan origin story with them.. but my life is 100% better knowing all of this so thank you Frank and Matt. Thank you. I’m also entirely convinced the two have had this whole part of his backstory ready to go for three seasons and were waiting to use it, along with the other two bits we’re about to get to. This episode as you can tell is also a vingette episode, but one where the wraparound is way more improtant than usual.. but it works given the setting and allows the stories to be as long as they actually need to be, and it addds some nice stakes instead of just having Scrooge’s villians gripe about him. 

Scrooge protests and the Bailiff puts a clamp on his beak, so he has no choice in the matter when Louie steps up for the defense. Louie also proves that irresponsible he may be.. he’d be a damn good lawyer, as he easily picks things apart, pointing out Glomgold was ALREADY bad by then, Scrooge had no intent to steal the spotlight and Glomgold is currently planting dynamite under his chair, with predictable and hilarious results. So he gets put on the “good” side of the scale. Next witness.

Next up is Ma, and I was delighted that as I’d hoped and theroized this episode wrapped up one little plot point that while not major, was something I was curious about: Ma’s claims Scrooge stole Duckburg from her family.  This was also likely the backbone of the episode at one point as Frank pitched a beagle trial episode at one time, but Disney nixed it. Likely the magic stuff was added both to justify it better and to distract Disney Channel’s higher ups because they constantly underestimate what a child will like. It was for the best though as the beagles are just a bit weaker here: While Character Actress Margo Martindale is a delight and was specifically cast for the role, overall it just feels like they ran out of ways to make the beagles a big threat and releigated them to muscle when needed, to the point they only appeared in one episode besides this one this season as with FOWL about, they didn’t really need villians of the week and what ones they did use like Glomgold and Mark were far more entertaining villains who needed a coda to their stories.They aren’t bad characters, but in a series where their breaking into the bin or mansion wasn’t a story the crew was interested in they served no real purpose. 

So we finally get answers about the whole Deed thing: It was sometime in Ma’s childhood, good look guessing when, and the Beagles owned Duckburg having clearly overwhelmed Fort Duckburg at some point in history between Clinton’s defense of it and now, with Grandpa “Pa” Beagle finally making an apperance. In the comics he was basically what Ma is to both series: the scheming brains behind the beagles who showed up on occasion and it was a good idea to use him as the past version of her. 

Scrooge naturally comes a calling and unsurprisingly Ma was lying: Scrooge offered to buy the place first from Pa, he refused outright, and then when Scrooge showed off the money he was offering, Pa bet the deed for it in an arm wrestling contest. Not only that but as Scrooge finds out as he almost looses, Pa was cheating having a smaller beagle boy operate pull a lever in a device attached to his arm to give pa extra force. Scroooge simply dropped a few coins to distract the guy and claimed victory and the deed. 

Little Ma is left dejected though and Doofus claims he ruined his life, but Louie steps up, at this poitn Scrooge has learned to reign himself ina nd accepted Louie as his defense without saying anything, a nice subtle bit. He probably realized that while irrepsonsible.. Louie has everything to loose her and no reason to slack off and dosen’t even relaly have to lie for his uncle to get him off: he’s simply using his ablitiy to see all the angles to poke holes in their story. 

Case in point, he orders the “tape” to continue and finds Little Ma berating her dad for his failure and forcefully taking control of the family. LIke Glomgold, Scrooge may of cost her something.. but it was something she and her family hadn’t earned and they were still on a bad road. Scrooge just made it worse. 

But suprisingly, its MAGICA, who we’ve established is an uncaring monster, who has a story Scrooge genuinely feels bad about. Like the rest she was not a good person: Long ago she and her brother Poe were extorting a villiage, and lording over it as gods, changing the population into goats, toads and other things. The only diffrence from what Magica would do to the blot and presumiibly others later, is that Poe reigned in her manical tend ices, trying to get her to think things through. The goat transformation was so they’d have milk and at least get something out of it and as to not waste all their slaves. Poe is voiced by Martin Freeman of The Hobbit and Black Panther fame. Great actor, does amazing work here.  So like the others Scrooge changed things, and fought someone with bad intentions for his own self. He talked Magica into fighting him with both amulets by playing into her ego and Poe trying to talk her down, and easily deflected her bolt with the dime to turn her into a crow with her own spell. So far it’s just like the other tales in a nice mirror.. it’s what comes next that makes Scrooge into a  bad guy too. Not as bad as Magica and Poe.. but sitll not good. Poe dives selflessly in front of the coin.. and shockingly while she cared nothing for Lena.. that wasn’t the case for Poe. Magica is truly devastated, desperatly trying to put the amulet back on and begging scrooge for help while he just ignores her and fills up his sack. And while they both deserved it... Scrooge and Louie both recognize he was wrong as the flashback ends with Poe escaping and Magica sitll haven’t having found him to this day. And props to Catharine Tate here a she takes a normally hammy terrible person who was wholly unsympathetic and manages to make her painfully human.  

What makes the act so terrible is not who it happened to, they both desrved it, but Scrooge’s attitude, utterly callous to magica’s pain with not a drop of sympathy. While she deserved it as did Poe.. he’s not doing this to her as some justice for her crimes, or because she did something horrible to him or any valid reason.. he’s doing it because he’d rather get more of her and poes gold than lift one finger to help someone who had , for all his evil, selflessly sacrificed himself for his sister. For all Poe’s evil and tyranny.. there MIGHT of been a good man in them, in both of them.. and Scrooge could’ve cared less. He shut the door on Magica ever becoming a good person, ever getting her brother back to line his own wallet and to satisfy his own ego. See that’s the true mark of a hero: how they treat others, even the worst of them. And in his lowest moment Scrooge could’ve cared less about anyone but himself. 

Scrooge feels bad and Louie does finally get the responsibility thing and this is where things start to go off the rails: he apologizes to Doofus and admits he dosen’t want an enteral rivalry and h’es sorry for any pain he caused. The off the rails part is because Doofus is genuinely not a good person, ahs done very bad things and is trying to bankrupt Louie for the crime of “taking half your fortune after you used it to torment and enslave your own parents’. It just.. dosen’t play as well as they’d like. That said I DO like both Louie deciding to bury the hatchet instead of just avoiding him and Doofus showing some nobiity in accepting it. Maybe he’ll change. 

He goes off into the night, and Scrooge genuinely apologizes and accepts repsonsiblity... and here’s where the plot finishing going off the rails and into someone’s living room: the bailiff AWARDS THEM SCROOGE’S FORTUNE BECAUSE HE ADMITTED SOME CUPLABLITY AND WAS HUMBLE. 

This just.. it makes no sense, it will never not baffle me and it hurts my brain> Yes he admitted some wrong doing and apologized for it.. but it was also THROUGHLY proven the other two weren’t his fault, and he was simply being a good man which should get him some good. Thankfully the conclusion is a bit better, as Louie points out while they made him, he made you so who made who, who made you... okay i’m getting into the AC/DC of things point is these incidents all shaped Scrooge into a better person.  His mistake with Magica. is clearly learned from. He’s stopping a group of bullies in Ma’s story and saving a life without a second thought in the second. He learned to value others, to value family all because THEY showed him what happens when you don’t. By seeing the worst person he could be.. he became the best. So the trial’s thrown out his assets are returned, and their teleported out before magica can hit them with lighting. Lesson learned.. well kinda Louie tells scrooge to do it because he got the pet. 

Final Thoughts for The Life and Crimes of Scrooge McDuck:

Great title aside.. this one is a mess. It’s not a terrible episode: the flashbacks are genuinely engaging, each one helping flesh out the villians and in Ma’s case pulling one last dangling plot thread. Glomgold’s was just entertaining , clevelry using his 80′s origns for an 80′s style news special and giving us the origin to his love of sharks that we didn’t know we needed., Ma’s tied up a loose plot threat with a fun flashback and Magica’s was genuinely heart wrenching and did the tall task of making us feel for someone that terrible. The wraparound.. was a bit weaker. Doofus was the best part, playing an excellent manipulative bastard lawyer, and being a genuine threat and his walking away peacefully was a nice touch, and Louie having to defend scrooge was great and showed him off better than ever. And Louie did get some moments to shine.. it was just wierldy bookened with him acting terribly AGAIN, in a way he should know better than in an episode where he acts fine for most of it and even then he thinks lying to a judge is a good idea! I know he’s 12 but he’s not this stupid and while as I made very clear i’ve seen this shit before, I haven’t seen it flip flop in the same episode. Louie deserves better than this. 

But it’s also in service to a responsiblility aseop that just.. dosen’t work as presented. Yes you should take responsiblity for your past, yes you should learn from your mistakes and own up to them, I have, and yes it’s all too easy to slide back> That’s all fine.. but him apologizing to Ma, whose family was terorrizing a town, and Glomgold, who he did nothing to, and having Louie apologize to Doofus, who while he tried to exploit him still enslaved his own parents and deserved to loose half his fortune AND loosing half his fortune wasn’t even the main thing Louie wanted to do as his main goal was getting BOYD a loving family.. it’s bullshit. Just pure Grade-A bullshit. Why are you booing them their right. It’s a good idea for a moral but it’s executed so overwhelmingly poorly it bogs down what was otherwise an exceptional episode, into just passable.  It’s just mind numbing and saddening to know the next to last episode wasted so much good ideas on a clumsy moral. Thankfully I have hope the finale will be better, and again at least we got some good out of this one. 

Next Time: Endgame Baby! Clan McDuck and their Amazing Friends Vs F.O.W.L. for the fate of adventure itself! One last ride! I can hardly wait!

This week on the blog: Ducks Ducks and more ducks.. and a top 12 list of my faviorite superheroines later today’s for international women’s day. But after that we have more of the Della arc, the last step in the Lena arc before Shadow War next week, and the 87 ducktales pilot treasure of the golden suns!

If you liked this review, share it around, follow for more, and you can comission your own for 5 dolalrs an issue or episode, or kick in some money on my patroen, link on my blog. Even a dollar a month helps and my next stretch goal is 5 dollars away and if we reach it i’ll review both the super ducktales mini series introducing gizmoduck AND a darkwing duck episode a month. Until the next rainbow it’s been a pleasure. 

[minnochu]

Lustrous (pt. 13)

Hybrid!Kook x Reader AU

Pt 1 | Pt 2 | Pt 3 | Pt 4 | Pt 5 | Pt 6 | Pt 7 | Pt 8 | Pt 9 | Pt 10 | Pt 11 | Pt 12 | Pt 13 | Pt 14 | Pt 15 | Pt 16 | Pt 17 | Pt 18 | Pt 19

A/N: Hello Hello! I’ve been writing this part for a while now, it’s been hard trying to find inspiration or find time this semester, all the while feeling any bit satisfied with what I did write. It’s a little unorganized and sloppy but please enjoy!

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Incase Kim Taehyung didn’t know what heart wrenching terror was. This was exactly it. The full overwhelming force of a werewolf-vampire hybrid’s anger directed solely at him. Fighting it the other night was another story, but this right here was enough to make him shit his pants. 

Seokjin had ordered everyone into an emergency meeting while Jimin and Hoseok were busy calming you down and explaining the situation to you as understandably as possible. At least... as much as they could get with trying to explain that they were werewolves that could most definitely tear your head off, but they wouldn’t. 

They had seated the young vampire at the dinner table while the others were pacing around and glaring at him with their arms folded. Jungkook was one of the latter, glaring furiously with a snarl at his lips and eyes glowing a brilliant blue with a glint of gold forming a ring around his pupils. If just his werewolf gene showing wasn’t scary enough, his full hybrid self was a force to be reckoned with at the idea that the vampire had just screwed up his imprinted. 

“So let me get this straight,” Namjoon releases an exhausted sigh, his index and thumb pinching the bridge of his nose while he moves to stand away from the feral hybrid, “You went and unlocked her memories, but she became unstable and locked everything out?”

Taehyung gulped as Jungkook’s glare grew even more heated, “Yes, thank you for rubbing more salt into the wound, hyung.”

“I can put more than salt in that wound,” Jungkook snapped, his claws threatening to come out the more angered he got. Rationality and logic had gone flying out the window, and the youngest was merely driven by his emotions at this point. 

“Calm down, Kook,” Yoongi warned, casting him a warning look and moving to stand between the two, “We don’t need anymore problems to deal with, and certainly don’t need another dead vampire on our hands.”

The hybrid sent the two elders a glare of annoyance before snapping his head away and standing down. His claws sunk back into their normal length as he turned towards their leader. 

“So what do you propose we do then?”

“We’ve got to get it back obviously,” Namjoon shrugs as if the only answer were clear, “How’s your ritual thing work?” 

Jungkook mouth opens to speak when there’s a knock on the front door. His nose wrinkles at the familiar and yet so very unwelcomed scent waiting outside, Yoongi mirrors his expression as Seokjin goes to answer it. They momentarily ignore the scent as Namjoon turns to ask Yoongi the question again when Jungkook interjects, “I can do it.”

“Are you sure? It’ll be dangerous if anything goes wrong like what happened to a certain doofus over here,” Yoongi asks although sending a pointed look at the younger vampire who deflates in his chair.

The mind meld ritual, it meant inserting a wolf’s claws into the back of another’s neck in order to enter their memories or mind. Memories can be manipulated or removed completely, but it was dangerous to the point of possibly leaving someone paralyzed or even dead at just a simple slip.

Jungkook wasn’t even so sure himself. This would be the first time performing it, especially as a beta. Yet, he felt himself needing to be the one to do so, but why?

“I’ll be fine hyung,” Jungkook nodded but froze when the scent grew worse each passing second before a voice entered the fray. He knew this scent anywhere, and he despised it from the bottom of his heart. 

“Fine doing what, huh?” Hyejin frowns as she enters the kitchen with her hands on her hips and glaring at the hybrid with distaste.

The male inwardly groaned. It had to be her. You just had to become best friends with her. Of all the humans at your school, it had to be her.

“Why are you here?” He spits out, unintentionally adding a snarl at the end. 

The girl freezes on the spot at the sight of Jungkook’s eyes, the golden ring prominent against the blue of his irises. She seems to visibly shiver and take a step back into Seokjin who had entered behind her. Noticing their stares, Hyejin bit her lip and trained her gaze on anywhere but Jungkook’s eyes, “(Y/n) hasn’t been to school for the past few days, you don’t think I won’t be suspicious when she’s living with a bunch of monsters?” 

“Ouch, it’s been a while since you’ve talked to us and you’re already insulting us?” Yoongi sighs, moving to stand beside Jungkook. Not that he needed to, but precautions needed to be in order with the hybrid’s genes being shown. 

“I wouldn’t call it insulting when it’s just plain facts,” she shrugged, her hands rubbing along her forearms in subtle attempts to calm the goosebumps that have appeared along her skin, “That’s beside the point though, where is (Y/n)?”

Jungkook crosses his arms over his chest as he tears his glare from the girl to the vampire at the table, “I don’t know Taehyung, why don’t you explain.”

The latter further sinks into his seat as he takes a moment to explain to Hyejin about the past few days, including fighting Minerva and Jungkook going berserk and finally Taehyung causing you to lose your memories, again. The whole time, the human girl listened intently before the story ended and she was back to glaring at Jungkook.

“I thought I warned you lot about hurting her!” The frown on her face deepens, “I warned her! Now she can’t tell me I was wrong because you made the same mistake again!”

“You don’t think I wanted to put her in danger, do you?” Jungkook explodes, face red with fury and frustration as he paces back and forth now to keep from getting out of control. A desire for bloodshed sits at the pit of his stomach, growing and growing the more stressed he got. It grew with fury, burning like a growing spitfire. Now the gold had begun to burn even brighter than the blue in his eyes and it makes the others grow restless.

“That’s the last thing I ever want!”

Namjoon moves to step in and break up the argument, noticing how the hybrid has become to breathe uneasily, but Hyejin continues to rub salt into his wounds.

“Oh? And I don’t suppose imprinting on her was also part of the plan of avoiding her, is it?” She sneered, crossing her arms over her chest, “You don’t really feel anything for her, it’s the imprinting, your wolf is making you feel that way.”

“Imprinting or not, no matter who or what, you always end up hurting them! She might not be precious to you, but I don’t want what happened to me to happen to (Y/n)... but I guess it looks like you’ve already gotten a head start huh?!”

“That’s enough,” Seokjin reprimanded before Jungkook could do or say anything, frowning at both of them as you, Jimin, and Hoseok emerge from the living room, “We’ll do the ritual, just don’t make any more mistakes.”

Yoongi presses a hand to Jungkook’s shoulder, but the younger is too worked up to acknowledge it. What was he even doing?

It took a while. But the boys, and mostly Hyejin, managed to persuade you to take a seat on the couch with Namjoon beside you and Jungkook standing above you both from behind. Perspiration coats the skin of the wolf’s neck and forehead as he licks his lips and hovers his hands over each of your necks. Namjoon glances over at you beside him, your eyes pinched closed and hands clenched tightly to the point of trembles in your lap.

Seokjin notices this and steps over with a small smile, “(Y/n), you’ll be okay, just do your best to stay calm for us, okay?”

The sheer amount of magical aura emitted from the men in the room was overwhelming, but they couldn’t amount to the hybrid behind you. His presence struck fear in you, making you feel vulnerable with his hands so close to being able to possibly wrap around your throat and crush your trachea. Gulping down the lump in your throat, you provide him a meek smile and nod. There was no other choice but to go through with this. Back in the room, it was hard to believe what Jimin and Hoseok were saying, but they proved trustworthy in not wanting to hurt you. You’d just have to endure it.

Jungkook looks to Seokjin and share a nod with each other. Closing his eyes, he takes a deep breath before he opens them again to reveal his blue ones. Pressing his fingers at the back of both yours and Namjoon’s necks. He takes another breath as he shuts his eyes once again and extends his claws into the flesh of both of your necks. In response, the two jolt upon insertion and the room begins to vibrate and shift violently.

Jungkook reopens his eyes with a start, his body strapped down to a bed. He makes a noise of confusion and surprise, to which he feels another presence in the room. To his right is Namjoon who has also appeared to come through in the same position. They both share the same look of confusion and desperation to be released from the confines of the straps that keep them bound to their respective mattresses. The thick straps prove sturdy, more metal-like than their leather appearance as it hinders any movement of struggle.

Summoning both the power of the werewolf gene inside him and the blood of the vampires that has infected his blood, the hybrid snaps the binds with much struggle before moving to help Namjoon out of his.

“Looks like we’re in her subconscious,” the vampire points out with a huff, straightening out his clothes, “We need to find (Y/n).”

Jungkook nods as Namjoon glances towards the only door in the room. The elder opens and leaves first with the younger following soon after him. A blinding light floods the room as his whole being once again seems to vibrate and shift wildly, just as it did back in the cabin with the others during the ritual. 

The shakiness goes away and Namjoon is nowhere to be seen once the light subsides. He’s in familiar warehouse full of crates, cages, lab equipment. The building is massive with flickering old light bulbs over head. Crates filled with things he never knew of stacked over each other and nearly reached towards the high ceiling. Scattered haphazardly around the remaining space not taken up by the large trunks and equipment, were cages filled with miserable were-creatures. He knew by heart the sunken faces filled with learned hopelessness of creatures of many kinds. They sat waiting for their next experiment or in hope of death soon to come. Some might’ve been long dead as their bodies became worn out from forced breeding or rejection of another creature’s blood in their circulatory system. That fear and death mixed into a putrid scent that stunk up the place. It caused the boy’s nose to wrinkle as he stepped carefully over wires that ran across the floor in a network like veins and arteries to different equipment and devices. 

The weariness from breaking out of the binds seems to persist and evolves into full on ragged inhales of much needed air while his nerves seem to go on alert. 

Why was he back here? 

That thought raced through his mind before everything had gone silent in his mind and he could no longer think. He nearly doubled over, stumbling into a cart full of capsules containing various eyes submerged in an unknown liquid in order to preserve them. If he wasn’t clasping a hand over his mouth to keep the blood and stomach acid from leaving his mouth, he’d have recognized a few eyeballs belonging to creatures like a wolf, a gorgon, or a wendigo. However, his insides burned harshly and yet his hand felt ice cold over his pale lips. 

The blood, he thought, was he going to end up like the many others and reject the blood he’d been given just before he’d been killed? From what he remembered, they had all ended up bleeding from their eyes and bellowed in pain until their bodies gave way and they died. His eyes flickered between amber and gold, incisors sharpening into a needle-like point. The flames of pain sear along his veins, as his nerves go numb and his ears begin to ring at his transitioning phase. 

Then it all halts. The ringing stops. The pain turns to hunger and anger.

“They did this to you!” A man bellows at Jungkook, causing him to whip his head towards a man and a woman being shoved into the light by a henchman. They are brought to their knees before the hybrid, their heads lowered and shoulders sagged in depression.

“They made you into this!” The man shouts again, but his voice feels closer, as if his mouth were right beside his ear, “They sold you to us, to experiment on you, pick you apart.”

“They didn’t want a son! No… They decided to give you away to anyone who would offer them a fortune, even if it meant torturing you and turning you into a science experiment.”

His insides burned at that. The fire that raced through his blood with pain turned into anger as his eyes bled gold with specks of amber. A growl emitted from his chest as his eyes focused on the two adults kneeling, pupils narrowing into slits thin as a needle.

How dare they, he thought.

“Do it!” The man urged, “Kill them! Make them repent for what has been done to you!”

 In a fit of rage, he’d forgotten his nausea and tore his parents apart as they cried and screamed for him to come to his senses. It was too late for him, the blood of those wretched blood suckers was coursing through his veins and amplifying his anger and wanton to kill and feast on blood. 

“You truly are the perfect slave!” the man cackled as he appeared beyond the remains of his shredded parents, a wicked grin at his lips with fangs peeking out from his upper lip and golden eyes to reveal his maturity as a vampire. 

“You feed off of your anger and distrust! You really believed your parents did such a thing to you?!”

Jungkook lurched forward and sunk his fangs into the man’s neck, drinking profusely to complete the transition as his claws ripped apart his body and eventually tore off his head from his neck. Despite his initial disgust as a born wolf, his body welcomed the blood, gulping down until he grew tired of the metallic taste and discarded the decapitated corpse to the side.

The man could only laugh at his misfortune, praising him in finishing the ritual in becoming a hybrid as he took his final breaths.

Rage and sadness filled the hybrid once again as he knelt at his parents’ sides, crying in sorrow at his blindness and believing that man for what they had never done. He was kidnapped, not sold. How could he believe such lies?

His gold morphed and shifted into a bright azure hue as he glared at the remaining employees within the building. Red clouded his vision as he murdered each and every one of them without remorse. They ran and screamed, abandoning one another in attempt to same their own lives, but he was too fast with the combined power of both races. 

Moreover the employees, he opened each cage and killed each creature in captivity. His desire to kill was insatiable, and continued until not a single shred of life remained in the building. 

Only did he stop when he felt a weak tug on the back of his rugged shirt. He tilted his head slightly to glare down at whatever being could survive his slaughter but he found you, at least your younger self. You only reached up to the mid of his thigh, staring up at him with those large eyes of yours. 

“(Y/n)?” He rasped with a twitch of his fingers in desire to hold your small hand in his.

No, don’t look at me, he thought desperately as his eyes widened a fraction and he realized the state he was in. 

You ignored his call of your name and glanced around at the mess in the laboratory. Blood and carnage, flesh and death. Fear struck it’s way across your expression as you turned to him with watery eyes.

Don’t look at me like that, he thinks as his heart twists in pain at the sight of you fearing him. 

“(Y/n), it’s not what you think!” He says desperately but your mouth opens wide and you wail. Your cry is loud, almost piercing like a siren’s in his ears as you make fists holding onto his shirt. Wincing, he can’t think with the volume of your crying in his ears. The crying persists as large black and purple runic circles appear from above. His eyes widen as the tips of thorns appear from the centers of the circles.

“(Y/n)!”

.

“Hey, what’s going on?! Whats happening to him Yoongi-hyung?!”

There had already been enough tension in the room just watching as the three of you delve into your subconscious to unlock what had been “forgotten”. However, they can only be startled as a gasp leaves Jungkook, his breathing turning abnormal and soon evolving into painful grunts as blood trickles from his mouth.

Yoongi has to snatch the back of Jimin’s collar and yank him backwards to keep the younger from interfering with the ritual. 

“The mind meld was successful, if you interfere there’s a chance they’ll get hurt even more or even be trapped inside her head.”

.

“St-stop (Y/n)!” Jungkook groans as his body takes the brunt force of another round of thorns being simultaneously launched at him. The pain is strenuous, setting his body on fire. It reminded him of the ritual that made him into a hybrid. His dead body convulsing and burning as the vampiric blood raced through his bloodstream and revived him as a transitioning hybrid. The thought disgusted him. 

Your crying never seized. He didn’t understand what he was supposed to do. Why were you appearing before him as a child? Your large eyes bore up at him in fear and sadness, tears rolling endlessly from them as you bawled. 

Biting his lip, he knelt down and pulled your tiny body towards his, one hand against your head and the other on your back as he hugged you tightly. He tucked your face into his chest as he continued to withstand your attacks. 

“Calm down for me (Y/n), please, you’ll be okay, I’m here…” he whispered as you sobbed into his tarnished shirt. He didn’t know what made his shirt wet, the people he killed, your tears, or his own blood from being stabbed continuously. He hugged tighter as he felt his body vibrating once again, and the painful sensations relinquished. Blue eyes opening carefully, he watched as you pulled away from him to run off. 

“Wait!” He called out as you ran without looking back. Stumbling forward, he rose to his full height and continued after your retreating figure. His body no longer burned in pain as he followed after you. You pushed yourself past double door with one last glance his way; you disappeared. He called out for you once again, launching himself into the doors, only to stumble into a vast field. From left to right, forward and back, it felt like the field carried on endlessly and yet it was so cluttered. The sky was murky with dark overcast, and the ground couldn’t even be determined with the amount of broken televisions piled all over. The screens were shattered and depicted a static effect that glitched where cracks in the screen occurred. However, some screens displayed videos, although glitchy and not of great quality, of a little girl. They appeared like home videos, showing the life of a little girl who studied in secret and endured the bullying from her fellow family members.

“Jungkook.”

The hybrid turned with a start at his name being called, to see Namjoon having just appeared and staring down at a particular screen that played a recording of Jungkook holding you after your magical fit that injured him in the process. 

“These are her memories,” he whispered as he turned to look at another recording of their trip to the grocery store, although he winced at the remembrance of the altercation with her mother right after. Jungkook watched as the video showed him following you around like a puppy along the aisles, urging you to let him carry things and grab items from higher shelves for you. His small smile morphed into a frown as his nose picked up on the scent of smoke and burning flesh. There’s a tell-tale crackle of flames, smoke billowing from its source up ahead where it rises into the clouded sky. 

“(Y/n)!” Jungkook gasps as he climbs over the piles of television screens, his foothold slipping occasionally as he forces himself to hurry to the base of the smoke. The vampire follows after the youth, following suit in clamoring over the endless supply of screens. 

The flicker of flames grow into a full blown flare as they near the apex of the smog. The fire reaches towards the sky as Jungkook pushes himself harder and takes to leaping on all fours like a wolf. At the base, he felt his blood run cold as dark and wispy figures gather around the flames. The shadows don’t turn or budge at his presence, continuing their ominous murmurs in an indistinct language. 

Your name left his mouth, sticking to the tip of his tongue as he glanced back and forth amongst the figures before he shook his head and pressed forward. The wolf pushed and swiped at any of the wisps in his way, some moving to the side, and others disappearing upon contact. The closer he moved towards the flames, the murmuring grew louder and louder and louder. It grew into an incessant screaming and then screeching. His heightened senses didn’t make it any easier as the screams pounded into his ear drums. 

It’s upon his realization that they weren’t murmuring in another language. The closer he got to the middle, the more he could hear what they were saying.

“Unforgivable.”

“Burn the witch!”

“Disgrace. Disgrace. Disgrace. Disgrace. Disgrace. Disgrace. Disgrace. Disgrace. Disgrace. Disgrace. Disgrace. Disgrace. Disgrace. Disgrace. Disgrace. Disgrace. Disgrace. Disgrace. Disgrace. Disgrace. Disgrace. Disgrace. Disgrace. Disgrace. Disgrace. Disgrace. Disgrace.”

Sucking in a deep breath, he continued onward till he reached the clearing where your body is suspended just slightly by the two large thorns that pierce your body in a figure akin to a cross, all the while flames burn from beneath you, licking at your body as you stare lifelessly at the ground. Small runes float in the air around your body. 

As he inches closer, a thorn is cast from one of the runes and penetrates the ground near his feet in warning. He remains calm, or at least as calm as he can with the ringing of the continuous mocking screams in his ears. 

“(Y/n)!” He shouts in an effort to not be drowned in the sounds of the wisps behind him. 

Your eyes slowly slide upward to meet his, but there is no glimmer of recognition nor life. It was as though the body before him was merely just that, a body, a cold husk of nothingness.

Reaching out towards you, he catches the glint of multiple runes flaring in warning. Baring his canines, he jerks backwards in attempt to dodge the oncoming attacks. At his previous spot is covered in multiple spines of sooty thorns, bursting into ashes after a second and leaving behind a small crater from the impact.

Clicking his tongue, he knew the only way to get to you was to sustain the attacks of the runes. They would be there for longer if he continued to dodge. Figuring that was the only way, he relents and steps forward. A needle-like thorn lodges itself through his left calf within a second. The area immediately bursts into immense pain, but it’s not enough to paralyze him as he trudges forward. 

“(Y/n)!” He calls out as the thorns cause him to stumble and sway back and forth upon impact. It hurts, but he knew he had to endure it in order to get you back to him. It almost feels as though he was the one burning in the flames as he continues to take the attacks from the runes.

“(Y/n)!” He called again, watching patiently as your eyes slowly rise again to meet his, “Keep your eyes on me!” Reaching out, the wolf grabbed your limp hand and yanked hard to force his body forward and towards you. Arms opening, they wrapped around your suspended body, a warm palm pressing at the back of your head as he nestles you against his shoulder. 

The runes continue to attack without fail, blood dripping from his lips as he hugs you closer to his heat, “Come back to us (Y/n), back to me.”

Your eyes widened slowly, glimmering with a film of tears as your chapped lips opened and closed in an effort to speak, “J-Jungkook? Why?”

He quirked a tired smile, closing his eyes as the wisps are no match to the soft whisper of his name. He wondered why as well. Why would he go so far for your sake? Was he compelled to protect you as a result of the imprinting? That thought didn’t sit well with him. He himself didn’t understand his own feelings and compulsions. But hearing your voice call his name melted away the pain of your magic. He just couldn’t find an answer as to why.

“You’re just like me,” he croaks out decidedly, “An outcast. Alone. A freak. You and I.” 

“It must’ve hurt… being alone, experiencing all that hate and bullying… But we need you to be strong and come back to us, yeah?”

The emotions well up inside of you as you pour it all out into his shoulder, “It was overwhelming. Seeing my mother again. Ostracized from my family. I didn’t want to remember any of that.”

“It must’ve been hard... but you have a family now,” Namjoon speaks up from behind Jungkook, “Yahiko-ssi, Jungkook, me, everyone else at the cabin… we’re all waiting for you to come back.”

“But they neglected you (Y/n),” You recall Taehyung saying back then, “Family is Yahiko, family is us. That is… if you see us that way…”

“A family should be a place or people you can go home to and feel safe and loved. Evidently, the Blackwells do none of that.”

“Shutting yourself down and trying to push away the painful memories will only leave you running in circles,” the elder vampire says gently as he places a hand on the younger’s shoulder to signal for him to step back, “Those memories are what make up you, they shape and mold you into the (Y/n) that the pack cherishes more than anything.”

“Embrace your past, don’t let yourself live in fear of it and fall into the hands of the Blackwells. You’re so much more than that.”

Namjoon holds out a hand, palm facing superiorly as he smiles back at you in encouragement. Without hesitation, you take it, his lithe fingers curling around your own as his others touch the three points on your head and cheeks just as Taehyung and Blackwell vampire had done before.

Ah. There’s a warmth. It unfurls from your fingertips and slowly spreads throughout the cold husk your body had become upon rejection of your past self. Closing your eyes, you are no longer met with darkness, only with a blinding light as you reopen and find yourself face-to-face with your child self.

“You had it hard, didn’t you?” you smile sadly down at the youth. 

She nods her head, and you find it hard to ignore the noticeable scratches and bruises on her exposed skin. Her clothing is battered, appearing as though she had just escaped another bulling attempt from her coven-members. 

“It was hard for us, wasn’t it?”

She nods again.

“But we’re no longer alone.”

A nod.

How could you have possibly been so strong at a young age? You can’t stop the tears from springing to your eyes, your hands come up to furiously wipe them when you feel her hugging you. 

“(Y/n).”

Your younger self is replaced with a tall body, a shaggy mess of hazelnut blocking your vision as you recognize the owner of the voice. Eyes widening, you watch as he pulls away slightly to reveal yourself back in that field of electronics. The fire continues to crackle beneath the three of you, but it doesn’t hurt. The thorns have seized fire, and slowly deteriorate as the sky clears.

He thought for a second, mulling over the battle within him but relented.

“Let’s go home.”

The smile that spreads across your face is unstoppable as you nod and everything within radius is obliterated into fragments of light.

.

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The 5 Stupidest People On The Planet (Are All Donald Trump)

How many times are you allowed to say or do something stupid before you realize you yourself are stupid? Seven times? 24? Butts? Rush Limbaugh has been wrong about 270 things a day for 40 years, and he would be truly shocked to learn he’s stupid. We aren’t good at spotting our own intellectual limitations. We walk around thinking we’re brilliant, no matter how many times we get our head stuck in an alligator or our genitals stuck in an alligator. I can prove it: I think I’m smart enough to write an article on intelligence, and the only book I’ve read is the movie Bloodsport. I also recently typed the number butts. Twice. Hold on, butts times now.

The cluelessly stupid are a diverse and colorful community, but most of them fall into one of five distinct categories. I’ll include a famous example of each one, which may end up getting confusing, since our dumbfuck president is somehow the example for all five. So here is a list of dumb idiots, which is maybe the best idea I’ve had for an article since 8 Album Covers White People Could Never Pull Off or Your 3rd Grade Textbook, Only Written By Gary Busey. Here’s the book cover for when it inevitably gets adapted into national bestseller:

One last thing before we start. I imagine that some of you have already taken the idea of this article personally, and you’re keenly watching for any logical flaw, strawman fallacy, or typo which will allow you to dismiss me as a totally wrong hypocrite. If so, I have some bad news: You’re much dumber than you think, and this article is about you. And since you’re already in the comments section, the rest of this sentence is for everyone else: See if you can guess which entry that guy was!

We live in a world infested with experts — body language experts who speculate on handshake meanings, social media experts who tweet about Twitter to Twitterbots, romance experts who tell you how to fuck on a pizza*. There are no rules to declaring yourself an expert. And when you’re self-important enough to think universally shared experiences are yours alone, you become a Keeper of the Common Knowledge.

*Cheese-up, while generously fingering your lover’s pepperoni chakra. You’re welcome, couples.

A Keeper of the Common Knowledge can become a leading mind on a subject after a Wikipedia paragraph or a few hazy childhood memories. Here’s how it works: Every day, about 4,500 American tourists check into Paris hotels. After a few days of standard vacation packaging, they come home, and their barely noteworthy trip is only brought up every time France is mentioned for the rest of their lives. But for a Keeper of the Common Knowledge, those three days offered an insight into a culture so complete that they know the mysterious French people better than they know themselves.

A Keeper of Common Knowledge offers their wisdom when you need it least. They are bursting with things no person could possibly not know, and it spills out at the slightest relevance. They might insert themselves into a discussion about pro wrestling only to explain it’s fake. If you make eye contact with them at a buffet, they give conspiratorial advice, like how to pile the most expensive foods into little shrines honoring your victory over the restaurant. They interrupt movies to share arcane knowledge like how guns are quite noisy or hanging from a cliff makes your arms tired. They’re the kind of person who tells you not to use shampoo as a lubricant, as if they’re the inventor of making love to a bowling ball. Let me spend Valentine’s Day however I want, genius.

Helping Understand Keepers Of The Common Knowledge With Stupid President Donald Trump

Remember when Trump was always saying he was the best at military? That wasn’t a crafty lie to get the tank loader vote; he really thinks that. But why? How? He dodged military service with a note from his gynecologist, and the only book on war he’s read is a Hitler cat recipe book. Well, I’ve done my best to piece together how he came to think of himself as the greatest military mind of our time. It’s pretty amazing how many personality and mental disorders had to come together to make it happen. Keep in mind that I’m not a licensed doctor and can’t diagnose him. However, I do know that popular disabled impersonator Donald Trump has so much evil inside him that his proctologist’s ungloved fingers now add an anus to any flesh they touch. When Trump got an MRI, the computer just showed an image of his daughter squatting over Jesus Christ and peeing into his missing eyes. With that in mind, let’s examine the 4D chessboard the commander in chief calls his “very good brain.”

During the debates, Donald complained that George Patton was spinning in his grave because we announced we were going into Mosul. “Why not go in quiet?” he asked many times. It was most likely rhetorical, but also so ignorant that one moderator accidentally answered it for him. Also, Patton famously led an insane decoy army to distract the Nazis. Saying he’s spinning in his grave over someone being bold is like saying, “I didn’t even read the Netflix description of the movie about the guy I’m invoking” and then adding, “It is truly impossible to miss how terrible I am. I am a walking DO NOT IRON WHILE WEARING SHIRT label. People see me and wonder what helplessly uninformed assholes created a need for me.”

Trump kept referring to a secret military plan to defeat ISIS which he would only reveal after he was made president. This lie was almost cute, like when your boyfriend pretends he knew it was your birthday, or when Mike Huckabee’s son says, “The dog was ritually murdered this way when I found it!” But I don’t think Trump was lying! He really thought he had solved ISIS when his very good brain invented the “sneak attack.” Paradoxically, he knew it was brilliant, but also so obvious that the generals were stupid for not thinking of it. I know a lot of absurdity is getting thrown around in this article, but he actually said that, and Mike Huckabee’s son actually murdered a dog. And Trump’s proctologist absolutely adds buttholes to all flesh he touches. It happens so often that he’s stopped apologizing for it.

From what I can tell, the rest of Trump’s military tactics are made up entirely of war crimes. One morning, convicted fraudster Donald Trump called in to a talk show to suggest we kill the families of terrorists. In one of his first executive briefings, he asked three times why we can’t use nuclear weapons if we have them. That’s his understanding of modern warfare — he thinks all the bad people travel in one bombable group, moving to a new town every time the guileless United States military announces it’s coming. Which means their only weakness is the first president with enough balls to instantly and without warning murder their children. It’s weird, because most clinical sociopaths know that in order to blend in, they’re at least supposed to pretend human life has value.

Trump sounds like a guy who had atomic bombs explained to him by an ill-advised puppet show, but he assured us that “There’s nobody that understands the horrors of nuclear better than me.” How deep does our president’s record-breaking understanding of the horror of nuclear go? Well, in the most aggressively uninformed statement ever made by a dumbest man in the room, he told reporters, “You know what uranium is, right? It’s this thing called nuclear weapons. And other things. Like, lots of things are done with uranium. Including some bad things.”

Those words came out of his mouth. After bragging about being the leading nuclear mind on the planet! No, you don’t get it. You, me, all of us, we now live in a world where anything can happen. Our president, the PRESIDENT, knows three war things — sneak attacks are surprise, nuclear is some bad things, nothing fucking else — and with all his heart, he believes he is a military genius. And we, the people who all knew at least those same things, believed him! We put him in charge of the military! You can absolutely fuck off if that doesn’t prove magic is real.

There’s a soothing belief among the unskilled and dumb that every issue is simple and knowledge is a pointless endeavor. A Pure Intellect Untainted by Expertise thinks they have a refreshing outsider’s take on every issue. They say things like “Hollywood should only make daring, original films” or “The cure for the obesity epidemic is fucking eating less” or “Have depressed people tried not being sad?” Everything is so easy to solve if you stop ignoring the obvious answer!

There is a lot of appeal in thinking any of the world’s problems can be fixed with your no-nonsense telling it like it is. In fact, our movies and TV shows cater to it. They manufacture situations in which the obvious solution is ignored until the doofus character suggests an extremely common-sense idea. The others say something like “My- my God, it’s so simple it’s brilliant!” If you’re dumb enough, it feels like they’re talking to you! Let me give you an example.

Remember in Top Gun, when Maverick is being chased by an enemy jet through the danger zone? He’s going to die if he can’t get behind them, but how? Easy: He’s going to slam on the brakes, and they will fly right by. No one in the movie can believe it. That shit isn’t in the Pilot Rulebook, Maverick! But rules and pilots will never replace raw street smarts like the kind you and Maverick have. Personally, I’m so street smart that I don’t even wonder how the jet already had brakes if Maverick was the first guy to invent the idea of slowing down a jet with jet brakes. I’m so street smart that I would have thrown a bowling ball out the window and said “She broke my heart too, pal!” as it smashed into the enemy pilot’s chest, making a perfect comedic callback to earlier, when I was having sex with that bowling ball.

Here’s an example from a movie that isn’t 31 years old:

Have you ever noticed how in sports movies, there’s always a wildcard character who ends up being the best at the sport because they’ve never heard of it? They hit the golf ball or kick the football furthest because they haven’t cluttered their brain with pointless “knowledge.” Or maybe they’re unstoppable at basketball because they’re a caveman, or a dog. If you’re fetally alcoholed enough, these movies send a truly comforting message: Your lack of knowledge is specifically what will make you great at things. And think of how many things you don’t know how to do. But not too hard; you don’t want to accidentally understand anything so well that you become bad at it, like George Lucas did with Star Wars or Gamergate did with women.

Helping Understand Pure Intellects Untainted By Expertise With Stupid President Donald Trump

Knowing nothing about how to do something but also being the only one who can do it is Donald Trump’s defining philosophy. He went into his campaign telling everyone how he knew nothing about politics, and that’s virtually the only thing he didn’t lie about. But of all his shortcomings, nothing demonstrates a Pure Intellect Untainted by Expertise as much as his stupid fucking Mexico WALL.

To think a wall is the solution to drugs, illegal immigration, or human trafficking requires a spectacular lack of knowledge. You have to carefully not read the first sentence of the first Google result on any of the issues. Most undocumented immigrants arrive legally and overstay their visas. Nothing has stopped drugs ever. I don’t have all the stats on human trafficking, but every Staples I called said that they haven’t printed an unusually high number of SEX SLAVE LIQUIDATION SALE signs since Trump announced he wanted a fence.

I’m already attacking the problem with facts, and our president wouldn’t know a fact if it unraveled his combover and rappelled down Trump Tower. A human should know a wall wouldn’t work simply by remembering what they know about walls. And since we live in an amazing time when anything can happen, we’ve actually witnessed Donald Trump accidentally think too hard about his wall and figure out that it wouldn’t work.

In November of last year, Trump was explaining walls to a crowd. He reassured them that no one could scale his wall by saying, “There’s no ladder going over there.” He then took a long, silent thought … maybe to consider whether Mexicans have ladder technology? He caveated, “If they ever get up there, they’re in trouble, ’cause there’s no way to get down.” Still deep in thought, he added, “… maybe a rope.” And with that, he debunked his own fence, almost a year ago, by inadvertently thinking about it for just the smallest amount of time.

Since then, it seems like any time Trump talks about the subject for too long, he’ll remember another way to defeat a wall and have to add a feature. He once remembered that you can dig under walls, so he added special vibration-sensing anti-tunnel technology. He once misunderstood what someone meant by the word “transparent,” and insisted that yeah, it was important to make the wall transparent so you can see the giant bags of drugs falling over it. And when he remembered that hammers can smash through walls, he suggested we fill it with, no bullshit, nuclear waste. There was also some talk of solar panels and a railroad. So now this thing senses vibrations (except for its own railroad), is climb-proof, is immune to everything but rope, and they’re going to fill it with nuclear waste, which you can see because the wall is transparent. Also it’s made of solar panels. So maybe this is an example of how knowing nothing about a thing sometimes can make you the best at it. Because Trump knows less about walls than a free-range chicken’s limitless dreams, and he somehow designed the sweetest goddamn wall in the world.

The Determined Fool decided many years ago that they were extremely correct about something. Maybe they picked a political party, or a video game console, or the concept of snakes as pets. Whatever it was, they went about building their identity around the simple, unquestionable truth of that thing’s supremacy. Since absolute certainty is a trait shared only by the very stupid, it turns out they were wrong. About everything. The alien-worshiping religion or the perpetually sued president they chose did not in fact end man’s quest for universal truth. So now their life is devoted to developing the insanities necessary to keep their minds from noticing their mistake.

The human brain is an amazing organ. It can keep the Determined Fool ignorant even in the face of overwhelming education. In fact, proving to a Determined Fool how they are wrong usually only makes them more wrong. But who am I to say what’s real? Our perception is just the interface we use to interpret a Universe of unknown wonders. I think it was Guy Fieri who once honked the horn on his top-down Chevelle and screamed, “Truth is a fleeting concept, like a slippery dildo in a dildo sweepstakes booth, weeknights at 8 on the Food Network!”

I found this image in a folder called DRUNK PHOTOSHOP and thought “I’ll never find a place for whatever this is, drunk me.” In your face, sober me.

No one has a handle on truth, but 2,300 years ago, Aristotle said that the best truth is usually the one balanced between two extremes. So how are the most extreme people always the most sure they’re right? It’s been a dumb thing to think since they literally fucking invented how to think. Completely unaware of this, the Determined Fool starts political wars from indefensible positions like “trickle-down economics” or “Let’s hear these Nazis out.” Luckily, they have an arsenal of behavioral problems and logical fallacies to help them move out of any checkmate. For instance, maybe you decided you support Trump because he’s a great businessman who tells it like it is. Fine. So you bought a little hat, masturbated to a picture of the nude first lady, and warned the Muslim in your building that Sharia law is no longer welcome in America. You’re just the worst. A true piece of shit, like back when America was great.

Then you read an article about how Trump has failed in every business he ever started, sometimes intentionally to launder Russian mafia money. And it turns out his immigration policy is just something called “racial intolerance.” Also, you find a study revealing that more than 80 percent of the things Trump says are wrong — sometimes from dishonesty, but often from weirdly comprehensive dumbness. Oh man, this Trump guy? I think you really blew it. I wrote an online quiz that might help you understand.

So what are you supposed to do now? Get a refund for your hat? Apologize to the Muslim in your building who turned out to be something called “a Sikh”? Why bother? There are no consequences for anything, and your garbage brain can easily convince itself the media was lying. Plus, history eventually proves all racists to be right about daughter-killing immigrants, which because of Sharia law is perfectly legal in your Muslim neighbor’s apartment. And with those simple mental gymnastics, boom, America is great again.

Neuroscientists call this type of nimble stupidity “cognitive dissonance,” but I’m not a neuroscientist. I’m a man who types things like “a shrieking Guy Fieri trying to justify an all-rib diet to his own hickory-smoked diarrhea.” That’s what the Determined Fool is: someone bursting with shit who would rather pitch you on a world of diarrhea fountains than deal with their own problems.

Man invented the scientific method 400 years ago, when Galileo thought to sometimes ask, “What if we’re wrong about this?” They teach it to third-graders. So try to remember this: Every single time you’re 100 percent convinced you’re right, you’re dumber than a 17th-century leech farmer or an eight-year-old C student. Even if you turn out to be right. You hopeless, self-brainwashing diarrhea fountain salesman.

Helping Understand Determined Fools With Stupid President Donald Trump

Not all Determined Fools have minds elastic enough for cognitive dissonance. In order to hang onto their harmful, evil, self-destructive, or otherwise dumbass beliefs, some have to resort to false equivalencies. Like when Trump was asked how he feels about Putin being a killer, and he said, “So what? Other people are killers too!” That’s how seductive false equivalencies can be to a simple mind. These fucks end up arguing FOR murder and FOR Nazis, and they think they’re making, like, a point?

Since basic human decency is now a political issue, some of you were already thinking “THE LEFT DOES IT TOO!” Sure, buddy. There are other things wrong in the world besides murder and Nazis. For example, your mother’s footjob game. And sure, for every ten Gamergaters threatening to kill a girl for abiding a black Human Torch, there is a Twitter warrior who chose to support feminism with an overly harsh meme. But sanctimonious heroism isn’t anything like being a Nazi. And nothing any Democrat will ever do is similar to bragging about grabbing pussies while you’re married to a model you bought from Slovenia. If you’re confused, always remember: When two things are described with different words and have different meanings, they aren’t the same. You don’t get to lie and murder and be Kenyan just because Obama does it too.

When your world is built on top of something as flaky as religion or politics, it’s exhausting. You have to defend nonsense all day because you don’t know which crack in your foundation will require you to rebuild your entire belief system. That’s a ton of work. I still convince myself electronic music is fun because it’s easier than developing rhythm. People still chase children with knives because it’s faster than explaining why they became a clown. But if your beliefs are so flimsy that they shatter as soon as you admit a mistake, let them shatter. You can rebuild a far superior personality and system of values with a single episode of Super Friends.

What if I told you that television shows were dangerous? It’s true. In the year 2000, four out of every five injuries occurred in a home that owned a VHS copy of Robocop III. Someone might say, “That’s compelling Robocorrelation, but that data alone does not suggest Robocausation.” Fine. But maybe your first instinct was to say, “Robocop III is a movie, not a TV show, you fucking dumbass.” If so, then congratulations, idiot, you’re a Technical Genius. You’re smart enough to spot a technicality, but too dumb to know everyone else did too and it was light years away from the point. You’re the kind of person who tells your doctor, “Um, it’s Chief Chirpa?” when he tells you that getting the Wicket doll out of your asshole will require surgery. “And, um,” you’ll add, “it’s an action figure? Maybe you should have gone to a non-stupid medical school.”

The nice thing about being a Technical Genius is that it feels like proof you’re smarter than everyone. They can say you don’t “get it” all day, but they’re the imbeciles who think Robocop III is a TV show. Look at it like this: You are the only one in the history of Koala Times Bus Tours to contract syphilis from a koala bite. You might be embarrassed, but at least you aren’t like those other fools screaming “Don’t touch the koala bears!” when they are in fact marsupials. I mean, if koalas were actual bears, your whole face would be missing, not still here and covered in pulsing chancres.

Technical Geniuses reach maximum annoying when they decide that pointing out technicalities is a sense of humor. For instance, if you announced, “My wife is pregnant and we’re having a boy,” a Technical Genius might quip, “Well, technically only women can have babies. Unless you count the Chief Chirpa action figure currently breaching my anus — um, which you should, since it is the dictionary definition. Heard of it? Hey, everyone! This idiot with no dictionary is watching me shit out a Chief Chirpa, and he doesn’t even know which gender gives birth!”

Technical Geniuses have such a rigid understanding of the rules of language that they miss the meaning behind words. They mistake sarcasm for a mistake that needs correcting. Their idea of wordplay is assuming you meant the wrong homonym, which makes them both a walking Family Circus cartoon and the person condescendingly explaining to the Family Circus characters how “cool” may sometimes refer to “tubular” instead of temperature. And god help you if you get into a written discussion with them, as the tiniest typo can turn even the most important debate into a fourth-grade grammar lesson. They’d rather tell you that “non whites” should have a hyphen rather than agree that killing them is wrong.

For the most part, the Technical Genius just derails conversations with unlikeability. But their fierce misunderstanding of unspoken rules can lead to problems way more serious. You know what happens when you can’t see past the immediate and literal meaning of words? Well, I’ll show you. It’s technically unfair how there’s no “White” History Month or “White” Entertainment Television, right? And fine, black lives matter, but isn’t it MORE loving and accepting to say that ALL lives matter? See? I’m only two sentences into my life as a Technical Genius, and I’ve already talked myself into racism. All it took was the limited observation skills of a bad ’90s standup routine with the deliberate cultural ignorance of a bad ’90s standup routine.

Remember when that panty-dropper at Google got fired for writing, word-for-word, how women aren’t good at robots because of their emotions and milk-squirting nipples? That guy was absolutely a Technical Genius. Men and women are different, sure, but if you’re either of those things, you already knew that. You also might know how, almost always, these differences aren’t worth mentioning and vary from person to person. Yes, a woman is a bad hire if you need someone to stand next to a wolf for 29 days without bleeding. But even as someone who’s not a wolf scientist, I can think of a few workarounds: wolf nose plugs, baking soda underpants, menopause, chaining the wolf out of vagina-biting range … are we sure we even need to fill this standing-near-a-wolf position? See, this is how a healthy mind operates — it solves problems, asks questions, and keeps ladies safe from crotch-biting predators because it’s the right thing to do. A Technical Genius makes a short-sighted, clumsy observation and acts like they put all reason in checkmate. You know who could explain this better than me? The outrageously bad con man the worst 20 percent of our population voted into the White House.

Helping Understand Technical Geniuses With Stupid President Donald Trump

This is a classic example of a Technical Genius. To this dumbshit, it seems like he’s turned the tables on the entire concept of racial oppression. He raises the same point made by most clueless fucks on their first day of imaginary struggle: “How come whites can’t do one of the things blacks do? Isn’t that the REAL persecution?” It’s worse than ignorant. It’s the kind of childlike question you might ask the Star Trek crew if you’re a checkerboarded alien who knows nothing of their world’s Ray Sizzum.

There are different rules, unspoken or not, for every caste, race, and gender. You have to play some pretty intense make-believe to say you don’t know that. And only the dimmest, pussiest of white people invent their own oppression, like not being allowed to say “Merry Christmas” or “the N-word.” I’m not either, but I bet white billionaires have different troubles than the characters on Black-ish, and it seems impossible that Donald Trump hasn’t had this explained to him by Omarosa’s hairdresser many times.

The things Technical Geniuses say are often so frustratingly wrong but also “not wrong” that they act as traps. Your every instinct is to add context to them, but don’t — you will only become them. Look again at our evil president’s “Black-ish” tweet. You might feel the urge to correct the five grammatical mistakes he made in its three sentences, but any decent person should feel compelled as fuck to explain just the most basic, introductory concepts of race to him. This grown man thinks that the unfairness of having a show called Black-ish when there’s not one called “Whiteish” is “racism at highest level.” That means you have to start your explanation with “Um, have you heard of a little thing called slavery?” And look what’s happened. You’re the one saying dumb, obvious shit now.

Sometimes a stupid person starts to figure out that their brain doesn’t work as well as everyone else’s. Maybe they looked around their home and realized they only owned books by Ann Coulter on how to identify different Asians by which part of the human they eat. Or maybe they watch The Big Bang Theory, which for eight seasons has just been Jim Parsons staring directly into a camera and repeating “You are an idiot ape. You are a mindless sack of tepid water.” It’s true, Big Bang Theory viewers, and I’m the only one with the courage to say it.

Discovering your own intellectual shortcomings is terrifying, especially for the insecure. So some of them create a new reality, one with rules carefully constructed to make them brilliant. The disorder starts simply enough. Your friend tells you that birthday meals are free at any restaurant if you tell them you’re a registered sex offender. Later, Yahoo Answers tells you that impersonating a sex offender is not technically a crime. Later still, in jail, you decide you hate being tricked. They become the Untrickable.

The Untrickable believes that not being fooled is the pickle of human intelligence, but we assume they mean pinnacle. For a person to avoid being fooled, they need deep, multi-dimensional knowledge. Luckily, there is a shortcut: Assume everything is trying to fool you. Assume every video you watch is fake, and use that single word to describe each of them in the comments section. You’ll find that not only do you suddenly feel smart, but you’re also significantly smarter than anyone who has ever believed in “God” or “science” or “Guy Fieri not being a toilet brush brought to life by a lonely plumber’s wish.”

There’s only one problem with this: When everything is fake, nothing is. You start solving mundane mysteries with “ghosts.” Lizard men infiltrating a Target becomes exactly as likely as non-lizards asking you to leave for trying to pull human masks off the customers. The flatness of the Earth becomes a frustrating reminder of how no one else is smart enough to see through the lies of Big Fact. Luckily, our president is 100 percent immune to the lies of Big Fact.

Helping Understand The Untrickables With Extremely Never-Tricked President Donald Trump

Trump has the unique mix of confidence, paranoia, and ignorance that creates a perfectly untrickable person. He thinks global warming, a savagely obvious thing only one political party in one of the world’s countries isn’t aware of, is a scheme to undermine America’s industry. He thinks the same thing about the Paris Climate Accords and regulations against dumping coal sludge into drinking water. It would take two minutes to teach a six-year-old Honduran immigrant the English necessary to teach Donald Trump why he’s wrong about any of these things. Which would, at best, lead to a tweet claiming that Mexican children are a scheme to destroy America’s industry.

Special thanks to Aaron Clode for the custom illustrations.

Seanbaby invented being funny on the internet. You can follow him on Twitter, or play his hit mobile game Calculords.

Not sure if you’re stupid? Smack yourself in the head with these giant mallets until you know for certain.

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The 5 Stupidest People On The Planet (Are All Donald Trump)

How many times are you allowed to say or do something stupid before you realize you yourself are stupid? Seven times? 24? Butts? Rush Limbaugh has been wrong about 270 things a day for 40 years, and he would be truly shocked to learn he’s stupid. We aren’t good at spotting our own intellectual limitations. We walk around thinking we’re brilliant, no matter how many times we get our head stuck in an alligator or our genitals stuck in an alligator. I can prove it: I think I’m smart enough to write an article on intelligence, and the only book I’ve read is the movie Bloodsport. I also recently typed the number butts. Twice. Hold on, butts times now.

The cluelessly stupid are a diverse and colorful community, but most of them fall into one of five distinct categories. I’ll include a famous example of each one, which may end up getting confusing, since our dumbfuck president is somehow the example for all five. So here is a list of dumb idiots, which is maybe the best idea I’ve had for an article since 8 Album Covers White People Could Never Pull Off or Your 3rd Grade Textbook, Only Written By Gary Busey. Here’s the book cover for when it inevitably gets adapted into national bestseller:

One last thing before we start. I imagine that some of you have already taken the idea of this article personally, and you’re keenly watching for any logical flaw, strawman fallacy, or typo which will allow you to dismiss me as a totally wrong hypocrite. If so, I have some bad news: You’re much dumber than you think, and this article is about you. And since you’re already in the comments section, the rest of this sentence is for everyone else: See if you can guess which entry that guy was!

We live in a world infested with experts — body language experts who speculate on handshake meanings, social media experts who tweet about Twitter to Twitterbots, romance experts who tell you how to fuck on a pizza*. There are no rules to declaring yourself an expert. And when you’re self-important enough to think universally shared experiences are yours alone, you become a Keeper of the Common Knowledge.

*Cheese-up, while generously fingering your lover’s pepperoni chakra. You’re welcome, couples.

A Keeper of the Common Knowledge can become a leading mind on a subject after a Wikipedia paragraph or a few hazy childhood memories. Here’s how it works: Every day, about 4,500 American tourists check into Paris hotels. After a few days of standard vacation packaging, they come home, and their barely noteworthy trip is only brought up every time France is mentioned for the rest of their lives. But for a Keeper of the Common Knowledge, those three days offered an insight into a culture so complete that they know the mysterious French people better than they know themselves.

A Keeper of Common Knowledge offers their wisdom when you need it least. They are bursting with things no person could possibly not know, and it spills out at the slightest relevance. They might insert themselves into a discussion about pro wrestling only to explain it’s fake. If you make eye contact with them at a buffet, they give conspiratorial advice, like how to pile the most expensive foods into little shrines honoring your victory over the restaurant. They interrupt movies to share arcane knowledge like how guns are quite noisy or hanging from a cliff makes your arms tired. They’re the kind of person who tells you not to use shampoo as a lubricant, as if they’re the inventor of making love to a bowling ball. Let me spend Valentine’s Day however I want, genius.

Helping Understand Keepers Of The Common Knowledge With Stupid President Donald Trump

Remember when Trump was always saying he was the best at military? That wasn’t a crafty lie to get the tank loader vote; he really thinks that. But why? How? He dodged military service with a note from his gynecologist, and the only book on war he’s read is a Hitler cat recipe book. Well, I’ve done my best to piece together how he came to think of himself as the greatest military mind of our time. It’s pretty amazing how many personality and mental disorders had to come together to make it happen. Keep in mind that I’m not a licensed doctor and can’t diagnose him. However, I do know that popular disabled impersonator Donald Trump has so much evil inside him that his proctologist’s ungloved fingers now add an anus to any flesh they touch. When Trump got an MRI, the computer just showed an image of his daughter squatting over Jesus Christ and peeing into his missing eyes. With that in mind, let’s examine the 4D chessboard the commander in chief calls his “very good brain.”

During the debates, Donald complained that George Patton was spinning in his grave because we announced we were going into Mosul. “Why not go in quiet?” he asked many times. It was most likely rhetorical, but also so ignorant that one moderator accidentally answered it for him. Also, Patton famously led an insane decoy army to distract the Nazis. Saying he’s spinning in his grave over someone being bold is like saying, “I didn’t even read the Netflix description of the movie about the guy I’m invoking” and then adding, “It is truly impossible to miss how terrible I am. I am a walking DO NOT IRON WHILE WEARING SHIRT label. People see me and wonder what helplessly uninformed assholes created a need for me.”

Trump kept referring to a secret military plan to defeat ISIS which he would only reveal after he was made president. This lie was almost cute, like when your boyfriend pretends he knew it was your birthday, or when Mike Huckabee’s son says, “The dog was ritually murdered this way when I found it!” But I don’t think Trump was lying! He really thought he had solved ISIS when his very good brain invented the “sneak attack.” Paradoxically, he knew it was brilliant, but also so obvious that the generals were stupid for not thinking of it. I know a lot of absurdity is getting thrown around in this article, but he actually said that, and Mike Huckabee’s son actually murdered a dog. And Trump’s proctologist absolutely adds buttholes to all flesh he touches. It happens so often that he’s stopped apologizing for it.

From what I can tell, the rest of Trump’s military tactics are made up entirely of war crimes. One morning, convicted fraudster Donald Trump called in to a talk show to suggest we kill the families of terrorists. In one of his first executive briefings, he asked three times why we can’t use nuclear weapons if we have them. That’s his understanding of modern warfare — he thinks all the bad people travel in one bombable group, moving to a new town every time the guileless United States military announces it’s coming. Which means their only weakness is the first president with enough balls to instantly and without warning murder their children. It’s weird, because most clinical sociopaths know that in order to blend in, they’re at least supposed to pretend human life has value.

Trump sounds like a guy who had atomic bombs explained to him by an ill-advised puppet show, but he assured us that “There’s nobody that understands the horrors of nuclear better than me.” How deep does our president’s record-breaking understanding of the horror of nuclear go? Well, in the most aggressively uninformed statement ever made by a dumbest man in the room, he told reporters, “You know what uranium is, right? It’s this thing called nuclear weapons. And other things. Like, lots of things are done with uranium. Including some bad things.”

Those words came out of his mouth. After bragging about being the leading nuclear mind on the planet! No, you don’t get it. You, me, all of us, we now live in a world where anything can happen. Our president, the PRESIDENT, knows three war things — sneak attacks are surprise, nuclear is some bad things, nothing fucking else — and with all his heart, he believes he is a military genius. And we, the people who all knew at least those same things, believed him! We put him in charge of the military! You can absolutely fuck off if that doesn’t prove magic is real.

There’s a soothing belief among the unskilled and dumb that every issue is simple and knowledge is a pointless endeavor. A Pure Intellect Untainted by Expertise thinks they have a refreshing outsider’s take on every issue. They say things like “Hollywood should only make daring, original films” or “The cure for the obesity epidemic is fucking eating less” or “Have depressed people tried not being sad?” Everything is so easy to solve if you stop ignoring the obvious answer!

There is a lot of appeal in thinking any of the world’s problems can be fixed with your no-nonsense telling it like it is. In fact, our movies and TV shows cater to it. They manufacture situations in which the obvious solution is ignored until the doofus character suggests an extremely common-sense idea. The others say something like “My- my God, it’s so simple it’s brilliant!” If you’re dumb enough, it feels like they’re talking to you! Let me give you an example.

Remember in Top Gun, when Maverick is being chased by an enemy jet through the danger zone? He’s going to die if he can’t get behind them, but how? Easy: He’s going to slam on the brakes, and they will fly right by. No one in the movie can believe it. That shit isn’t in the Pilot Rulebook, Maverick! But rules and pilots will never replace raw street smarts like the kind you and Maverick have. Personally, I’m so street smart that I don’t even wonder how the jet already had brakes if Maverick was the first guy to invent the idea of slowing down a jet with jet brakes. I’m so street smart that I would have thrown a bowling ball out the window and said “She broke my heart too, pal!” as it smashed into the enemy pilot’s chest, making a perfect comedic callback to earlier, when I was having sex with that bowling ball.

Here’s an example from a movie that isn’t 31 years old:

Have you ever noticed how in sports movies, there’s always a wildcard character who ends up being the best at the sport because they’ve never heard of it? They hit the golf ball or kick the football furthest because they haven’t cluttered their brain with pointless “knowledge.” Or maybe they’re unstoppable at basketball because they’re a caveman, or a dog. If you’re fetally alcoholed enough, these movies send a truly comforting message: Your lack of knowledge is specifically what will make you great at things. And think of how many things you don’t know how to do. But not too hard; you don’t want to accidentally understand anything so well that you become bad at it, like George Lucas did with Star Wars or Gamergate did with women.

Helping Understand Pure Intellects Untainted By Expertise With Stupid President Donald Trump

Knowing nothing about how to do something but also being the only one who can do it is Donald Trump’s defining philosophy. He went into his campaign telling everyone how he knew nothing about politics, and that’s virtually the only thing he didn’t lie about. But of all his shortcomings, nothing demonstrates a Pure Intellect Untainted by Expertise as much as his stupid fucking Mexico WALL.

To think a wall is the solution to drugs, illegal immigration, or human trafficking requires a spectacular lack of knowledge. You have to carefully not read the first sentence of the first Google result on any of the issues. Most undocumented immigrants arrive legally and overstay their visas. Nothing has stopped drugs ever. I don’t have all the stats on human trafficking, but every Staples I called said that they haven’t printed an unusually high number of SEX SLAVE LIQUIDATION SALE signs since Trump announced he wanted a fence.

I’m already attacking the problem with facts, and our president wouldn’t know a fact if it unraveled his combover and rappelled down Trump Tower. A human should know a wall wouldn’t work simply by remembering what they know about walls. And since we live in an amazing time when anything can happen, we’ve actually witnessed Donald Trump accidentally think too hard about his wall and figure out that it wouldn’t work.

In November of last year, Trump was explaining walls to a crowd. He reassured them that no one could scale his wall by saying, “There’s no ladder going over there.” He then took a long, silent thought … maybe to consider whether Mexicans have ladder technology? He caveated, “If they ever get up there, they’re in trouble, ’cause there’s no way to get down.” Still deep in thought, he added, “… maybe a rope.” And with that, he debunked his own fence, almost a year ago, by inadvertently thinking about it for just the smallest amount of time.

Since then, it seems like any time Trump talks about the subject for too long, he’ll remember another way to defeat a wall and have to add a feature. He once remembered that you can dig under walls, so he added special vibration-sensing anti-tunnel technology. He once misunderstood what someone meant by the word “transparent,” and insisted that yeah, it was important to make the wall transparent so you can see the giant bags of drugs falling over it. And when he remembered that hammers can smash through walls, he suggested we fill it with, no bullshit, nuclear waste. There was also some talk of solar panels and a railroad. So now this thing senses vibrations (except for its own railroad), is climb-proof, is immune to everything but rope, and they’re going to fill it with nuclear waste, which you can see because the wall is transparent. Also it’s made of solar panels. So maybe this is an example of how knowing nothing about a thing sometimes can make you the best at it. Because Trump knows less about walls than a free-range chicken’s limitless dreams, and he somehow designed the sweetest goddamn wall in the world.

The Determined Fool decided many years ago that they were extremely correct about something. Maybe they picked a political party, or a video game console, or the concept of snakes as pets. Whatever it was, they went about building their identity around the simple, unquestionable truth of that thing’s supremacy. Since absolute certainty is a trait shared only by the very stupid, it turns out they were wrong. About everything. The alien-worshiping religion or the perpetually sued president they chose did not in fact end man’s quest for universal truth. So now their life is devoted to developing the insanities necessary to keep their minds from noticing their mistake.

The human brain is an amazing organ. It can keep the Determined Fool ignorant even in the face of overwhelming education. In fact, proving to a Determined Fool how they are wrong usually only makes them more wrong. But who am I to say what’s real? Our perception is just the interface we use to interpret a Universe of unknown wonders. I think it was Guy Fieri who once honked the horn on his top-down Chevelle and screamed, “Truth is a fleeting concept, like a slippery dildo in a dildo sweepstakes booth, weeknights at 8 on the Food Network!”

I found this image in a folder called DRUNK PHOTOSHOP and thought “I’ll never find a place for whatever this is, drunk me.” In your face, sober me.

No one has a handle on truth, but 2,300 years ago, Aristotle said that the best truth is usually the one balanced between two extremes. So how are the most extreme people always the most sure they’re right? It’s been a dumb thing to think since they literally fucking invented how to think. Completely unaware of this, the Determined Fool starts political wars from indefensible positions like “trickle-down economics” or “Let’s hear these Nazis out.” Luckily, they have an arsenal of behavioral problems and logical fallacies to help them move out of any checkmate. For instance, maybe you decided you support Trump because he’s a great businessman who tells it like it is. Fine. So you bought a little hat, masturbated to a picture of the nude first lady, and warned the Muslim in your building that Sharia law is no longer welcome in America. You’re just the worst. A true piece of shit, like back when America was great.

Then you read an article about how Trump has failed in every business he ever started, sometimes intentionally to launder Russian mafia money. And it turns out his immigration policy is just something called “racial intolerance.” Also, you find a study revealing that more than 80 percent of the things Trump says are wrong — sometimes from dishonesty, but often from weirdly comprehensive dumbness. Oh man, this Trump guy? I think you really blew it. I wrote an online quiz that might help you understand.

So what are you supposed to do now? Get a refund for your hat? Apologize to the Muslim in your building who turned out to be something called “a Sikh”? Why bother? There are no consequences for anything, and your garbage brain can easily convince itself the media was lying. Plus, history eventually proves all racists to be right about daughter-killing immigrants, which because of Sharia law is perfectly legal in your Muslim neighbor’s apartment. And with those simple mental gymnastics, boom, America is great again.

Neuroscientists call this type of nimble stupidity “cognitive dissonance,” but I’m not a neuroscientist. I’m a man who types things like “a shrieking Guy Fieri trying to justify an all-rib diet to his own hickory-smoked diarrhea.” That’s what the Determined Fool is: someone bursting with shit who would rather pitch you on a world of diarrhea fountains than deal with their own problems.

Man invented the scientific method 400 years ago, when Galileo thought to sometimes ask, “What if we’re wrong about this?” They teach it to third-graders. So try to remember this: Every single time you’re 100 percent convinced you’re right, you’re dumber than a 17th-century leech farmer or an eight-year-old C student. Even if you turn out to be right. You hopeless, self-brainwashing diarrhea fountain salesman.

Helping Understand Determined Fools With Stupid President Donald Trump

Not all Determined Fools have minds elastic enough for cognitive dissonance. In order to hang onto their harmful, evil, self-destructive, or otherwise dumbass beliefs, some have to resort to false equivalencies. Like when Trump was asked how he feels about Putin being a killer, and he said, “So what? Other people are killers too!” That’s how seductive false equivalencies can be to a simple mind. These fucks end up arguing FOR murder and FOR Nazis, and they think they’re making, like, a point?

Since basic human decency is now a political issue, some of you were already thinking “THE LEFT DOES IT TOO!” Sure, buddy. There are other things wrong in the world besides murder and Nazis. For example, your mother’s footjob game. And sure, for every ten Gamergaters threatening to kill a girl for abiding a black Human Torch, there is a Twitter warrior who chose to support feminism with an overly harsh meme. But sanctimonious heroism isn’t anything like being a Nazi. And nothing any Democrat will ever do is similar to bragging about grabbing pussies while you’re married to a model you bought from Slovenia. If you’re confused, always remember: When two things are described with different words and have different meanings, they aren’t the same. You don’t get to lie and murder and be Kenyan just because Obama does it too.

When your world is built on top of something as flaky as religion or politics, it’s exhausting. You have to defend nonsense all day because you don’t know which crack in your foundation will require you to rebuild your entire belief system. That’s a ton of work. I still convince myself electronic music is fun because it’s easier than developing rhythm. People still chase children with knives because it’s faster than explaining why they became a clown. But if your beliefs are so flimsy that they shatter as soon as you admit a mistake, let them shatter. You can rebuild a far superior personality and system of values with a single episode of Super Friends.

What if I told you that television shows were dangerous? It’s true. In the year 2000, four out of every five injuries occurred in a home that owned a VHS copy of Robocop III. Someone might say, “That’s compelling Robocorrelation, but that data alone does not suggest Robocausation.” Fine. But maybe your first instinct was to say, “Robocop III is a movie, not a TV show, you fucking dumbass.” If so, then congratulations, idiot, you’re a Technical Genius. You’re smart enough to spot a technicality, but too dumb to know everyone else did too and it was light years away from the point. You’re the kind of person who tells your doctor, “Um, it’s Chief Chirpa?” when he tells you that getting the Wicket doll out of your asshole will require surgery. “And, um,” you’ll add, “it’s an action figure? Maybe you should have gone to a non-stupid medical school.”

The nice thing about being a Technical Genius is that it feels like proof you’re smarter than everyone. They can say you don’t “get it” all day, but they’re the imbeciles who think Robocop III is a TV show. Look at it like this: You are the only one in the history of Koala Times Bus Tours to contract syphilis from a koala bite. You might be embarrassed, but at least you aren’t like those other fools screaming “Don’t touch the koala bears!” when they are in fact marsupials. I mean, if koalas were actual bears, your whole face would be missing, not still here and covered in pulsing chancres.

Technical Geniuses reach maximum annoying when they decide that pointing out technicalities is a sense of humor. For instance, if you announced, “My wife is pregnant and we’re having a boy,” a Technical Genius might quip, “Well, technically only women can have babies. Unless you count the Chief Chirpa action figure currently breaching my anus — um, which you should, since it is the dictionary definition. Heard of it? Hey, everyone! This idiot with no dictionary is watching me shit out a Chief Chirpa, and he doesn’t even know which gender gives birth!”

Technical Geniuses have such a rigid understanding of the rules of language that they miss the meaning behind words. They mistake sarcasm for a mistake that needs correcting. Their idea of wordplay is assuming you meant the wrong homonym, which makes them both a walking Family Circus cartoon and the person condescendingly explaining to the Family Circus characters how “cool” may sometimes refer to “tubular” instead of temperature. And god help you if you get into a written discussion with them, as the tiniest typo can turn even the most important debate into a fourth-grade grammar lesson. They’d rather tell you that “non whites” should have a hyphen rather than agree that killing them is wrong.

For the most part, the Technical Genius just derails conversations with unlikeability. But their fierce misunderstanding of unspoken rules can lead to problems way more serious. You know what happens when you can’t see past the immediate and literal meaning of words? Well, I’ll show you. It’s technically unfair how there’s no “White” History Month or “White” Entertainment Television, right? And fine, black lives matter, but isn’t it MORE loving and accepting to say that ALL lives matter? See? I’m only two sentences into my life as a Technical Genius, and I’ve already talked myself into racism. All it took was the limited observation skills of a bad ’90s standup routine with the deliberate cultural ignorance of a bad ’90s standup routine.

Remember when that panty-dropper at Google got fired for writing, word-for-word, how women aren’t good at robots because of their emotions and milk-squirting nipples? That guy was absolutely a Technical Genius. Men and women are different, sure, but if you’re either of those things, you already knew that. You also might know how, almost always, these differences aren’t worth mentioning and vary from person to person. Yes, a woman is a bad hire if you need someone to stand next to a wolf for 29 days without bleeding. But even as someone who’s not a wolf scientist, I can think of a few workarounds: wolf nose plugs, baking soda underpants, menopause, chaining the wolf out of vagina-biting range … are we sure we even need to fill this standing-near-a-wolf position? See, this is how a healthy mind operates — it solves problems, asks questions, and keeps ladies safe from crotch-biting predators because it’s the right thing to do. A Technical Genius makes a short-sighted, clumsy observation and acts like they put all reason in checkmate. You know who could explain this better than me? The outrageously bad con man the worst 20 percent of our population voted into the White House.

Helping Understand Technical Geniuses With Stupid President Donald Trump

This is a classic example of a Technical Genius. To this dumbshit, it seems like he’s turned the tables on the entire concept of racial oppression. He raises the same point made by most clueless fucks on their first day of imaginary struggle: “How come whites can’t do one of the things blacks do? Isn’t that the REAL persecution?” It’s worse than ignorant. It’s the kind of childlike question you might ask the Star Trek crew if you’re a checkerboarded alien who knows nothing of their world’s Ray Sizzum.

There are different rules, unspoken or not, for every caste, race, and gender. You have to play some pretty intense make-believe to say you don’t know that. And only the dimmest, pussiest of white people invent their own oppression, like not being allowed to say “Merry Christmas” or “the N-word.” I’m not either, but I bet white billionaires have different troubles than the characters on Black-ish, and it seems impossible that Donald Trump hasn’t had this explained to him by Omarosa’s hairdresser many times.

The things Technical Geniuses say are often so frustratingly wrong but also “not wrong” that they act as traps. Your every instinct is to add context to them, but don’t — you will only become them. Look again at our evil president’s “Black-ish” tweet. You might feel the urge to correct the five grammatical mistakes he made in its three sentences, but any decent person should feel compelled as fuck to explain just the most basic, introductory concepts of race to him. This grown man thinks that the unfairness of having a show called Black-ish when there’s not one called “Whiteish” is “racism at highest level.” That means you have to start your explanation with “Um, have you heard of a little thing called slavery?” And look what’s happened. You’re the one saying dumb, obvious shit now.

Sometimes a stupid person starts to figure out that their brain doesn’t work as well as everyone else’s. Maybe they looked around their home and realized they only owned books by Ann Coulter on how to identify different Asians by which part of the human they eat. Or maybe they watch The Big Bang Theory, which for eight seasons has just been Jim Parsons staring directly into a camera and repeating “You are an idiot ape. You are a mindless sack of tepid water.” It’s true, Big Bang Theory viewers, and I’m the only one with the courage to say it.

Discovering your own intellectual shortcomings is terrifying, especially for the insecure. So some of them create a new reality, one with rules carefully constructed to make them brilliant. The disorder starts simply enough. Your friend tells you that birthday meals are free at any restaurant if you tell them you’re a registered sex offender. Later, Yahoo Answers tells you that impersonating a sex offender is not technically a crime. Later still, in jail, you decide you hate being tricked. They become the Untrickable.

The Untrickable believes that not being fooled is the pickle of human intelligence, but we assume they mean pinnacle. For a person to avoid being fooled, they need deep, multi-dimensional knowledge. Luckily, there is a shortcut: Assume everything is trying to fool you. Assume every video you watch is fake, and use that single word to describe each of them in the comments section. You’ll find that not only do you suddenly feel smart, but you’re also significantly smarter than anyone who has ever believed in “God” or “science” or “Guy Fieri not being a toilet brush brought to life by a lonely plumber’s wish.”

There’s only one problem with this: When everything is fake, nothing is. You start solving mundane mysteries with “ghosts.” Lizard men infiltrating a Target becomes exactly as likely as non-lizards asking you to leave for trying to pull human masks off the customers. The flatness of the Earth becomes a frustrating reminder of how no one else is smart enough to see through the lies of Big Fact. Luckily, our president is 100 percent immune to the lies of Big Fact.

Helping Understand The Untrickables With Extremely Never-Tricked President Donald Trump

Trump has the unique mix of confidence, paranoia, and ignorance that creates a perfectly untrickable person. He thinks global warming, a savagely obvious thing only one political party in one of the world’s countries isn’t aware of, is a scheme to undermine America’s industry. He thinks the same thing about the Paris Climate Accords and regulations against dumping coal sludge into drinking water. It would take two minutes to teach a six-year-old Honduran immigrant the English necessary to teach Donald Trump why he’s wrong about any of these things. Which would, at best, lead to a tweet claiming that Mexican children are a scheme to destroy America’s industry.

Special thanks to Aaron Clode for the custom illustrations.

Seanbaby invented being funny on the internet. You can follow him on Twitter, or play his hit mobile game Calculords.

Not sure if you’re stupid? Smack yourself in the head with these giant mallets until you know for certain.

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