#I know it’s a silly thing but hhhh also not having enough energy because of projects and exams

[roseofcards90]

Augh I feel like I’m doing everything wrong and disappointing people 😭

[grayskies-2525]

An Admirable Denial |M/M| Part 8

Word Count: 4,324 Words

Link to all parts: An Admirable Denial (14 parts)

Connor’s surprised to wake up inside of his car, reclined back in the passenger seat. He wonders if he’s ever fallen asleep in a car before; he doesn’t think so. He also wonders why every part of his body is aching. Simply the contact from his clothes pressed against his skin is causing discomfort.  Even his eyelids hurt. 

Scattered bits of thoughts flit through his mind out of order as he tries to slowly come out of his sleepy state. He’s sick — very sick —  that’s the first thing of note he remembers. Then, other things start trickling in.

The expo, the snakes, the … tarantula? 

Connor furrows his brows as he tries to conjure more vivid memories so everything will start making more sense. 

Yes, Felix adopted a tarantula. At a Reptile Expo. Because, of course he did. If Connor had realized there were going to be spiders at the expo, he may have reconsidered taking Felix to it. In hindsight, even as hazy and disordered as it may currently be, he realizes that it does make sense for arachnids to be at the expo —  since the same insane people who are interested in reptiles would also, naturally, be interested in tarantulas. He internally groans as he realizes he’s going to now have to coexist with the world’s most terrifying creature. 

“How are you feeling?” a voice asks from the driver’s seat. 

Connor, still unable to muster the immense effort it will take to open his eyes, just murmurs something he’s sure is unintelligible. He decides going back to sleep is the best course of action. Going back to sleep means he won’t have to talk, and most importantly, won’t have to open his eyes. The problem with this, though, is that his incessant shivering is keeping him from falling back into the gentle lull sleep promises. Also, he feels a burgeoning tickle in his sinuses. 

He’s too tired and too achy to sneeze. Eyelids tightly shut, he tries to ignore the tickle. 

“Hhhhh hhhh hh HEH-MPF’SHUUUUH!”

He aims the unwelcomed sneeze at the door, feeling too weak to raise an arm to cover it. The sneeze irritates both his throat and chest, and he finds himself lost in a fit of coughing.

“That good, huh?” Felix asks, and Connor realizes he’d forgotten Felix was still there — which is silly because of course Felix would still be there. He’s the one driving the car. The car. That’s right —  he’s in a car, and Felix is driving and they’re going… he can’t hold onto the thought long enough to figure it out. His cough is back and he can’t stop shivering. 

“B-b-b-blanket?” Connor asks through his chattering teeth.

There’s some hesitation, which frustrates Connor because he’s sure he’s never been so cold in his entire life and he needs a blanket. “There’s no blanket in the car,” Felix’s soft, gentle voice finally says. “But I can turn the heat up a little, though it’s already pretty high…. You’re that cold?” 

“C-c-c-can’t s-stop sh-sh-shivering.”

“Okay, then. I’ll turn up the heat,” Felix says. 

Connor remains quiet, with the exception of his chattering teeth. 

“Hehh-p’tshooo! Hmp’shooo! Hmp-shuuh!”

And his sneezing. They come out weak, his body seeming to lack the energy to make them any more forceful. 

“Shit,” he hears Felix say. “You never took anything to bring your fever down, did you? I meant to give you a couple after I came back with Edna, but… I forgot. Shit,” he says again. “I’m so bad at this,” Felix says, sounding disappointed. Connor doesn’t know what Felix thinks he’s bad at. He wants to reassure Felix that he can’t possibly be bad at anything, but that would take a lot of words and his energy is being quickly depleted by all the sneezing, coughing, and shivering.

“Ep-shuuh! H’ptshuuh! P’shhh! P’shhh!”

These sneezes come out fast and wet. He didn’t bother turning his head, letting them mist the air in front of him.

“Okay,” he hears Felix say. “Okay, it’s fine. I’ll just give you some now. I know there’s a bottle somewhere around in the console.”

Connor manages to drift off, somewhat, but his eyes open slightly when he hears Felix’s voice again, sounding… frantic. 

“How the hell is it empty? Who puts an empty bottle back instead of throwing it away?” 

“Ep-shoo! Ep-shoo! Ep-shoo! Ep-shhhhh!” The sneezes are weak but they just keep coming. He wants them to stop so he can go back to sleep.

“Okay, so new plan. I’ve got to make a stop somewhere. We’ll get some Tylenol in you and you’ll start feeling better soon. I promise,” Felix says.

Connor keeps his arms tightened around himself as shiver after shiver wracks his body.

__________

He frowns as he feels a hand on his forehead that quickly moves to his cheeks, then his neck. The hand must be Felix’s, but isn’t Felix driving the car? This is when he realizes the car is no longer moving. They must be stopped somewhere. Had he fallen asleep?

Felix is cussing to himself, voice low. Connor wants to reach out a hand to comfort him, but he can’t even open his eyes, let alone move an entire limb. 

“Here, keep this under your tongue,” Felix says as Connor feels something against his lips. He, instinctively, opens his mouth. Felix slides something under Connor’s tongue. The still functioning part of Connor’s brain finally identifies it as a thermometer. Felix must be checking his temperature. Connor thinks the gesture is pointless, given that Connor already knows he's running a fever.

But, still, while still keeping his eyes closed, he lets the thermometer stay in his mouth while Felix holds it in place. 

Finally, it beeps. Felix removes the thermometer, then mutters something under his breath that Connor can’t discern. As he’s drifting back off to sleep, he’s stirred awake, again. This time, Connor does finally open his eyes, but only halfway. He sees Felix holding his hand out, as if Connor’s supposed to take something from it, but Connor just lets his eyes fall shut again.

 A moment later, Felix is pressing something else to his lips. “You need to take these so you can get better. Your fever’s really high and I… I don’t know what to do, Connor. How high can a fever be until you have to take someone to the hospital?” Felix asks. Connor doesn’t know the answer to the question — at least not at the moment. Connor imagines the list of questions he is capable of answering right now could fit on a sticky note — one of the small ones that people use for aesthetic reasons that don’t seem to serve any real purpose.

His body’s wracked with another shiver. Then, his nose decides to chime in with its own problems.

“Hep-t’shoo! Hep-t’shoo! HEP-shooo! Ep’shhhhhh!”

He doesn’t know where the sneezes land, but he never stood a chance at being able to cover them. 

He hears a sigh from Felix. “Okay, please, Connor, please take these pills. Just open your mouth so I can give you the medicine. Then you can have a sip of water. After the medicine you can go back to sleep.”

So, Connor takes the pills, swallows them, then closes his eyes. Felix is putting something over him — a blanket? He suddenly starts shivering even harder until he maneuvers the blanket tightly around himself. He sneezes, weakly, three more times before closing his eyes again. 

__________

“Yeah, Mom, I know. I just… I’m not used to this and I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m literally at a pet store right now, which I feel is the last  place I’d be if I were a good boyfriend. But I just adopted a tarantula and I can’t take it home without having anything to put it in.

Connor realizes Felix must be talking to his mom on the phone through the car’s Bluetooth because he hears Felix’s mom’s voice next.

“You adopted a what?” Melissa Brown asks.

“A… a tarantula. Connor took me to a reptile expo and they had different kinds of arachnids there too… it was a whole thing. But anyway, that is very much so not the point. I need help.”

Connor hears Melissa sigh over the phone. “Fevers always seem scarier than they actually are. It’s just Connor’s body attempting to fight off the virus. I doubt he’s in any actual danger. You gave him some Tylenol, right?”

“Yes, but… He’s still fast asleep. The few moments he’s been awake, he’s barely talked and won’t even lift his hand to cover a sneeze. It’s like his body’s just given up on him.” Connor tries to remember if he’s ever heard Felix’s voice sound this way before. 

Melissa lets out a chuckle. “Felix, I’m sure that’s not what’s happening. Probably the opposite, actually. His body is doing its job by forcing him to rest so it can heal. It’s normal, honey. I went through the same thing when you were a baby. I remember rushing you to the emergency room the first time you spiked a fever. It’ll be okay is what I’m saying, all right?”

Felix is silent.

His mom sighs again. “Just keep an eye on it. If it doesn’t start going down soon, then you can take him to the hospital. You can take him now if that’ll make you feel better, honey. I’m just trying to tell you that from my many years of experience, these things turn out just fine. Didn’t you say when you had this nasty flu, yourself, that you also spiked a temperature of 104?”

“Yeah, but… This is Connor. He’s not… He’s not supposed to get sick like this. He’s not supposed to get sick at all.”

Before Connor even feels the tickle, he’s snapping forward. “HAAAAP-TSHOOOOOOOO!” His weak sneezes from before seem to have retreated, for the moment. This sneeze scrapes his throat and mists out in front of him in a dense cloud. It’s disgusting in such a complete and objective way that it makes his cheeks burn. 

“Oh my! Bless you!” calls out Melissa’s voice from the car speakers.

“Th-thank ET-CHOO! ET-CHOO! ET-CHOO!” Each sneeze is, of course, launched straight out in front of him since his arms are still firmly tucked under his blanket.

“Felix wasn’t exaggerating, huh? You sound awful,” Melissa says.

Connor knows he sounds awful, knows he looks awful, and knows that his entire current state of being can be easily summed up as awful. Hearing it said aloud, though, brings back the same sense of failure he had in high school after losing a football game— when he’d see the unmistakable disappointment etched across his father's face. He’s surprised to feel his throat tighten and his eyes sting. Felix reaches out a hand and gently squeezes Connor’s blanket covered thigh.

“Well, now that he’s awake, I’m going to let you go, Mom, all right? I need to get into the pet store. Thanks for listening to me freak out,” Felix says.

“Any time, honey. Text or call if you need anything. Love you.”

“Love you too, Mom. Bye,” Felix says, hanging up after his mom gives her goodbye. 

Felix turns to face Connor, biting his lip. “I know you probably hate this question, but due to how I’ve spent the last hour convinced you were literally dying, I have to ask,” Felix says, a faint tremble to his voice. “How are you feeling?”

Connor does, indeed, hate that question. He feels the words “I’m fine,” attempt their escape from his lips — a response that feels as natural to him as breathing —  but he’s decidedly not fine. He’s undeniably sick, but also… there’s something else simmering beneath the surface that he attempts to push down. There was something about hearing Felix’s mom on the phone, voice full of warmth, telling her son she loves him —  as though it were the most basic and easy to admit fact in the world. With effort, he does push the inexplicable feeling away, but he’s left with a sense of foreboding, as though that’s not its last appearance.

Connor manages to… well, not quite smile, but he thinks he succeeds at not looking as miserable as he feels. “I’m… not at my best,” he answers honestly, not feeling equipped to be more detailed.

Felix, with knitted brows, reaches forward and, in what’s becoming an all-too familiar gesture, places the back of his hand on Connor’s forehead. He pulls it back and breathes out a sigh. “Okay, I think you’re finally starting to cool down. A little, at least.” Felix settles back into his own seat. “And you’re actually speaking now, which is a vast improvement. So, yeah, I think you’re doing better.”

Connor, finally pulling his weak and tired arms out from under the blanket, catches three sneezes into the crook of his elbow. 

“Hep’shhhhew! Hh’pshew! Ep’sheew!”

Felix laughs a little. “Still really sneezy, though.”

Connor goes to speak, but instead has to duck back down for another “Hep’shew!” 

“God, Connor, I get it. You’re sick. You don’t have to keep trying to prove it,” Felix jokes.

“Hep-t’choo!”

Felix sighs, dramatically. “You’re doing this for attention aren’t you? Be honest” he says. Connor wants to laugh at the joke because obviously attention is the last thing Connor is looking for. But, once again, he’s ducking back into his arm.

“Oh my god,” Connor finally manages to say. “Why do they just keep coming hh hhhh hiih’tchoo!”

“Hmm…” Felix hums. “My guess is you're so congested that you can’t get the big sneeze you need, so your body is giving you all these little baby ones.”

“Felix,” Connor starts, but doesn’t know how he’ll finish the sentence. He’s feeling…whiny —  like he just wants to moan about how awful he feels to Felix and have Felix sympathize with him. This is extremely unfamiliar territory. He becomes distracted from this uncharacteristic urge to complain, however, when he looks down and finally gets a good look at the blanket splayed across him. “Felix, is this… is this Anna and Elsa from Frozen?”

Felix winces a bit, but nods. “Yeah… uh, you kept talking about how cold you were and you wouldn’t stop shivering. So when I stopped at a store to pick up the Tylenol, and I saw that blanket on clearance at only three bucks, I had to get it right?”

Connor stares at the pink and purple blanket and the cheerful faces of Anna and Elsa smiling up at him. He starts to laugh, but the laughter quickly devolves into coughing, and he slumps back down into his seat. He pulls the blanket up higher. 

Felix frowns and chews his lip. “Okay, you just stay put and rest. I’ve got to go and… uh, get some stuff,” he says.

Connor’s eyes are already closed before Felix gets the sentence out.

__________

After his third car nap of the day, they finally made it back to Felix’s house. Connor had wanted to demand that Felix take him back to his own apartment so he could recover alone. He’d imagine what that would look like — lying in his own bed, coughing and sneezing without restraint. He could shiver and whine and fall apart all he wanted no one would notice. Or care. Which was exactly what he wanted — what he’s been craving this entire time. So, why then, didn’t he put up more of a fight? He could attribute this easy surrender to his exhaustion. But… he was so sick, and the mere thought of having to take care of himself, though he knew he could, made him feel weary right down to his bones.

Unexpected thoughts of Felix started coursing through his mind — Felix bringing him food, water, and medicine while Connor just relaxed, letting his body get the rest it was clearly desperately craving. Connor’s initial reaction to these unwelcome thoughts was to flinch at the intrinsic discomfort they elicited, but still, Connor couldn’t stop them. What surprised him the most was how he imagined Felix wearing his sloppy grin the entire time, as though he didn’t mind in the slightest. Would that be the actual reality, though? Somehow, Connor found himself thinking maybe it actually could be. The idea of allowing himself to just be sick was starting to sound enticing in a way he’d never expected.

 The mere act of getting into the house had been a nearly impossible endeavor  — dizzy and weak, he had reluctantly held onto Felix as they made their way to the bedroom, having to stop multiple times to rest against the wall. By the time they reached the bedroom, all previous qualms about whose place it was had entirely vanished.

Now, he sits propped up against the headboard with a tissue pressed firmly around his nose. He slowly blows, emptying his nose’s thick contents. He looks at the tissue, winces at the color, then disposes it into the trash can that’s close to overflowing with all the other tissues he’s discarded in the last hour. His nose is in constant distress. If Connor isn’t blowing into tissues, he’s sneezing into them. He’s seen plenty of people get sick before, and knows sneezing is a normal part of illness, but surely it’s not normal to sneeze this much. As he has the thought, he’s already snapping forward into yet another sneeze.

“IHHH-P’tCHuuuUH!” 

It sprays out along his comforter since he didn’t have time to grab a tissue. His constant nasal dilemma has caused more than just a simple mist this time, so he holds his hand over his face as he grabs another tissue to clean up.

He’s heartily blowing his nose when Felix walks into the bedroom. He waits for the feelings of shame and mortification to arise at Felix hearing his gurgling, slurpy attempt to dispel his endless supply of snot, but… they don’t. In their place is an almost sense of safety — knowing he can lie in bed and sneeze and blow his nose and hack up his lungs as much as his body necessitates. And that it’s okay. It’s never been okay before, so why is it okay now?

He considers this as he watches Felix make his way toward the bed. Felix climbs onto it and sits cross-legged at the foot of the bed. “Okay, so, I’m trying to figure out boundaries,” Felix begins, expression serious. “Here’s what I want to do. I want to crawl underneath the covers and curl against you. But… you mentioned something about us needing to take things more slowly… And, I don’t know how much of that stemmed from honest feelings you were having, or if you said it just to keep me from seeing you sick.”

Connor has a lot he wants to say in response to this concern, but instead, yawns so forcefully his jaw cracks.

Felix snorts. “Okay, admittedly, this may not be the best time to discuss this, huh? You look all nice and cozy tucked into bed, and I guess I just wanted to join you. But I don’t want to violate any of your boundaries.”

“Felix… I really do worry that I’m taking advantage of you, of how easy you offer forgiveness. I wasn’t lying when I said that. And, I want to make sure I earn that forgiveness, okay? I mean, I hardly think I’m there yet. All I’ve been doing, after all, is sleeping. Well that, and sneezing,” Connor explains before jerking forward to sneeze into yet another tissue, as if he needed to illustrate the point.

Felix stares at him, his eyes wide, and mouth slightly open. “Connor — are you serious? You… you took me to a reptile expo that you spent hours researching. You let a snake wrap itself around your arm just because I asked you. And it peed on you! And, like, you barely even complained. And, oh my god, not to mention,  you didn’t so much as bat an eye when I adopted a tarantula.”

At this, Connor jolts up in bed, his eyes growing wide. “I forgot about the tarantula. Did that actually happen? I was hoping that was a fever-induced hallucination.”

Felix’s cheeks turn slightly pink. “Like I was saying, you were super cool with the tarantula thing and —”

Connor shakes his head. “No, no, no. I am not cool with the tarantula thing, Felix. I am as opposite as cool as one can be about the tarantula thing! Felix, you have to… you have to give it back. Oh my god, or find someone else to take it, or hap’tshooo! Heh heh hap’tshoo!” The sneezes snuck up on him and the mist sprays out in front of him. He wipes his nose with a tissue while still glaring at Felix. “You can’t keep that thing. Holy shit… Where is it? Is it here?” he asks, growing frantic. Hazy memories of the furry, multi-eyed creature come back to him. “It escaped, Felix! It ran all around the expo hall, and you… you want to keep it?” Connor sneezes once more, but makes it into his tissue. It’s becoming apparent he needs to hold a tissue in his hand at all times.

Felix hums, looking down at his lap. “Her,” he mutters, sheepishly.

Connor narrows his watery, aching eyes at Felix. “What?”

Felix shrugs his shoulders, still not meeting Connor’s gaze. “Her. She’s a girl. Her name is Edna. If she were male, then her lifespan would only be a few years long. But, since she’s female, she can easily make it to twenty years.”

“Twenty years?” Connor asks, incredulously. The increase in pitch must be too much for his lungs because he starts coughing. He makes sure to catch all the coughs in his tissue.

“Yep,” Felix says after Connor’s fit winds down. “Anyway, yeah, like I was saying…. You’ve just been so nice about me adopting Edna. So, I’d say you’re pretty committed to repairing our relationship, right? Since you’ve acquiesced so easily to my new pet?”

Connor stares in astonishment at Felix, his mouth open. “I know what you’re doing, Felix. And… fuck. Fine. Fine. If it will help you realize how important you are to me… then, just…fine. I won’t criticize your decision to bring such a vile creature into our lives.” Still incredibly uncomfortable with this thought, he adds “But it stays away from me, Felix. You need to treat that thing like it's a prisoner in a maximum security prison. Do you understand?”

Felix’s face lights up with a huge, happy smile, and Connor’s frustration instantly wanes. “See? Like I said, my forgiveness is totally earned because you are so unconditionally supportive of the amazing decisions I make.” Felix’s expression sobers as his smile falls. “But, Connor, in all seriousness…. Do you want to know how I actually know you're committed?”

Connor frowns, but eventually nods. Felix scoots closer up in the bed to Connor, settling back into a cross-legged position. He takes Connor’s hand in his. “It’s because you’re finally letting yourself be soft around me,” he says, squeezing Connor’s hand. “I mean, I saw you slumped against a wall, nearly passed out and here you still are.”

Connor feels the color drain from his face. “Fuck,” he says, as the unwelcomed memories start pouring in. 

Felix winces. “Uh-oh. You forget that, too? Your fever was crazy high, so I guess I’m not surprised you don’t remember much about the expo. But, okay, maybe you haven’t exactly been letting yourself be soft around me so much as your body’s given you no choice.,” he says, scratching the back of his neck.

Connor is still being barraged by the mental images of everyone at the expo crowded around him, staring as he lay against the wall, too weak to even hold up a water bottle. 

Felix winces again. “I can see you’re still bothered by this. Okay, just think of it as exposure therapy. I mean, what better way to face your fear of vulnerability than by lying helplessly against a wall as your body fights to remain conscious?”

Connor blinks at him. Then, he shuts his eyes and slumps back farther into bed. “This has been a hard day,” he says, eyes still closed, feeling insurmountable levels of fatigue settling in. 

Felix climbs up onto the bed and maneuvers himself close to Connor, pressing against his side. Connor shifts slightly, wrapping an arm around Felix’s smaller frame, while Felix nestles in, tucking himself comfortably against Connor's chest. “Is this okay?” Felix asks, looking up to meet Connor’s gaze.

Connor lowers his head so he can press a gentle kiss against Felix’s hair. “Yes, sweetie, I think it is.”

They eventually settle down into the bed with Felix curled into Connor, his head resting against Connor’s chest. Connor absently twirls his fingers through Felix’s mess of waves in a sleepy daze as he tries to contemplate why it does all feel so okay with Felix, until a gentle whisper of a thought says does it even matter? And with that question left unanswered, he allows himself to drift off. 

Part 9

[haknew]

hello!! just thought I'd stop by and say thank u for making content for us!! your little creations help make my day go by a little better :) also I thought I should ask whats your favorite thing about each tbz members if you dont mind? I'm in the mood to adore these boys more! 💞🥰

ahhhh i’m glad i’m able to brighten someone’s day with my content ! that’s all i could ask for ^~^ hmm i might end up writing an essay so here goes:

(also i might mention two things for some just bc 1 is more about them as a person in general and the second thing is about them as performers!)

sangyeon - for sangyeon, it might be a bit on the nose but i really think my favorite thing about him is his leadership, esp when oneus were collabing with tbz on rtk, he has really good people skills and knows how to talk through and guide conversations and group dynamics !

jacob - this is a bit,,, tough ,,, as a performer jacob is a good all-rounder, i absolutely adore his vocals and his dancing and i think he’s one of the strongest members in both categories... in general terms though, my favorite thing really is what everyone probably said too which is how kind, considerate, and angelic he is... i know he said he likes keeping his own problems to himself because he doesn’t want to burden anyone else with it, but then he goes around trying to take a little of everyone else’s problems to try and make them feel better,,, he really loves and cares about everyone around him;;; and he never really complains or take it out on anyone else and i just- ... yea i’m love he :((

younghoon - i think my favorite thing about younghoon is how unique (?) / eccentric he is,,, he tends to think very divergently / outside-of-the-box and considers stuff i never would have even dreamed of coming up with,,, and he’s just proud and unapologetic about it too ! he’s silly but bright and i think that’s the really cool thing about him :))

hyunjae - my fav thing about hyunjae is his tendency for acts of service ...? if that makes sense,,, he uses actions to express things just as much as his words ;;; like he did this vlive with haknyeon once where he adjusted the camera to include hak even tho it wasn’t intended to be a two person vlive anyway, or on chanhee’s bday vlive where he told off bbangkyu for blocking chanhee,,, it’s really just how much he tires his best to take care of others even when he’s jokingly teasing them despite it !

juyeon - my fav thing about juyeon is his ... what i’d call a perfect combination of self confidence and humbleness haha,,, he knows his strong points and he knows how to utilize them best and to his advantage but he never lets it inflate his ego bc that’s just how down-to-earth he is :,,))) you can kind of tell in the way the other members always prank him but he’s just so trusting of the people around him, he never shows off without immediately getting a bit shy after and i think that’s very admirable and wholesome of him :,)

kevin - HHHH okay let’s see... my favorite superficial thing about kevin is this one smile he has where,,, when someone says something he finds funny or he’s talking to fans and he smiles so wide it looks like his cheekies are about to burst from how happy he is and ..... yea ok i’m- going to say something serious now,,, this is also from his gen z interview video but i think the thing that i love the most about kevin is just how aware he is... of those around him,,, during mafia games for example, he’s always peace keeping and giving members the chance to defend themselves and he’s always trying his best to adjust his own behavior to fit in with what he thinks other people want ;;;; and i just,,, really adore him for that,,, i hope he can feel comfy and unapologetically himself too of course, and i think he is when he’s drawing and being artistically active and so i’m just *heart eyes* i guess *sigh* 

chanhee - hands down my favorite thing about chanhee as a performer is his voice... i talk about this a lot bc i was a choir kid for 4 years but, chanhee is a spectacular vocalist, and his voice is so distinctive too,,, falsetto king, he’s got this light airy / breathy timbre and it’s so beautiful to me ;;;; and his. adlibs!!!!! as a person... this is actually really difficult for me to put into words bc i just want to say my fav thing about chanhee is he’s tinie LOL but what i mean by that is,,, he’s got this,,, delicate sensitivity ? idk i feel like we’re similar in many ways which is probably my fav thing about him,,, he clings to the other members despite their teasing but he always tries his best to avoid embarrassing stuff and he’s introverted ... ok yea please give me one pass i cannot pick just one fav thing about chanhee i am a mess

changmin - hmm i think my favorite thing about changmin is just how genuine he is,,, i think he likes to just... talk ! about anything he wants which is why he goes on vlive so often, and i’ve noticed he is pretty straightforward and says stuff directly ! it’s not a bad thing i admire him a lot for it, actually, he really just talks with so much open honesty about how he feels and what he thinks that it’s almost second nature to him... i really love just listening to him talk about anything honestly his vlives are like having 3am conversations over the phone with your best friend... that kind of feeling 

haknyeon - THIS IS THE HARDEST T^T i love so many things about haknyeon... ok as a performer, my favorite thing about haknyeon is how adaptable he is and how he completely (?) absorbs a concept,,, like it doesn’t matter if it’s cute like keeper or darker like reveal,,, he fully embodies whatever concept it is almost to the point you would never guess how he is irl,,, i really think he’d make a great actor just bc his stage presence is so powerful and convincing and his facial expressions are killer... as a person,,, i think my favorite thing is something i’ve talked about before but he has this natural wonderment in his worldview... i think it’s his confidence like he talked about in the generation z video but he treats everything as something new he can learn from,,, he gets so so excited over the smallest things and is easily intrigued by anything and everything around him and he treats it all as a personal challenge, like if he tried hard enough he could do literally anything  (i compare him to a cat going outside of its house for the first time and getting to see a butterfly that kind of vibe ;;;;)

sunwoo - my favorite thing about sunwoo is how caring he is ? i’m not sure a lot of people catch it but despite his endless clowning and bullying of the other members, he’s also always one of the first members to praise them or shower them in compliments. he’s also so whipped for all of them T-T he (mostly) always laughs at any of their jokes, dumb as they may be, or agrees with whatever they’re saying, the teasing and shading is all a front almost :,)) it’s really cute of him

eric - my favorite thing about eric is his pure earnest enthusiasm for everything,,, i know all the tbz members work their hardest at everything they do as performers, but eric,,, he tries his hardest and then 54396 times more,,, i think it comes from him being the youngest member maybe, but he works so hard at anything and everything, may it be games or performing... he just acts as if he’s always trying to prove something, our energy eric T^T ! he never lets up even for a second and i adore him so much for that, goofball that he may be !

[astroellipse]

live blogging but it’s all one post and not actually live at all. this one is really long open at your own peril.

This has to be one of my favorite cutscenes in the game... I skipped most of the cutscenes in this questline with “Tsuyu” and whatever else went on because I don’t care for it, aside from some funny Asahi bits. And this cutscene is the KING of funny Asahi scenes, him just getting straight up murdered. It’s even funnier the second time around because now I realize... he was never actually acknowledged by Zenos. That was Elidibus controlling his body, simply using Asahi’s devotion for his own devices. And I realize now that Elidibus was trying to back up Emet-Selch’s own carefully laid plans, which... is something to keep in mind for later. I can’t wait to see more of Fandaniel later I love his/Asahi’s voice actor. And I know it’s fairly negative in this case but I can’t help but enjoy the campy villains...

And now I can finally stop skipping cutscenes! I realize I just now skipped the part where Alphinaud set out on his doomed journey to Garlemald, but... man I didn’t want to hear Gosetsu cry about Tsuyu I just hate that plot point so much. They really shoulda just let them die.

Oh my god I forgot that Gosetsu is bald now. I know it’s like a tradition thing and serious and everything but. Hhhh he looks so silly without it... Doesn’t help that it lets you see the outlines of all the polygons comprising his head...

Oh man I appear to have gotten events swapped around. Is it now that we see that energy source on the Azim Steppe? We’re about to go and put up that barrier in the Brume, which I’m pretty sure i thought came after ShB for whatever reason. I think I’ve mentioned it in a previous post... though that one I also think I deleted for an unrelated reason, I think because I was tired and got some details wrong and in my frustration and exhaustion threw the whole thing out. I’ll have to write down those particular thoughts again, after I see whatever it is that’s about to happen.

Oh man. i wonder if Hien doesn’t realize that Y’shtola is blind. They get to the Azim Steppe and he’s immediately like “Let me show you my favorite spot where you can see the pretty fields and sky :)” and she returns with “Yeah yeha okay let’s get on with what we came here to do”. Very funny. Actually Hien and Y’shtola are in general very funny together I like seeing him react to her talking to him like he’s an idiot.

So, the legend goes that a “wayfaring soul” came to the Steppe and received a sliver of Nhaama’s power in the form of a shard, and used it to cleft the earth and raise it to the heavens to avert calamity, then made an offering of blood. The sliver of power is Allagan technology, which was used to raise Azys Lla and create Dalamud. The dialogue has been very particular about referring to the person in this story as “wayfaring soul” and not shorter synonyms like “traveler”, which i think is probably deliberate? Especially with this now being the lead-up to ShB.

I guess now would be a good time to re-write some of my thoughts about the Steppe. It is not an original theory that Azim the god and Azem the ancient are related if not one in the same. They are both light, and related to travel. The WoL is expressly referred to as a traveler by Cirina’s grandmother, and iirc Azem is as well. Azim descended from the heavens to walk amongst his children, who are all nomadic. If they do have a relation, then the people of the Azim Steppe might be thought of as Azem’s people. I say this because I’ve been wondering why the Empire hasn’t touched the Azim Steppe, the real reason. The Xaela would make incredibly useful conscripts, and could be easily trounced by a suitably large magitek army during any one of their squabbles, or I’m sure the Empire could destabilize them in any other way. And that isn’t even to mention the large energy source hidden away in its cliffs, which have to be giving off some kind of signal. I wonder if the Empire ignoring the Steppe has anything to do with Solus and his sentiment for Azem.

I suppose I should actually get on with re-seeing this part, then.

God. I love y’shtola the bit with Magnai is so good. The voice acting. He sounds so hurt with his “Little...?”. “Look into my eyes” She’s blind you absolute dumbass.

Alright. Well. I didn’t actually gleam anything new. We’re about to go into the meeting sequence and. God. This is another one of my favorite cutscenes in the game. the visual effect used to represent the WoL’s soul being torn from their body is so cool... I wonder which outfit I should wear? I’ve changed all of them I think since uploading screenshots last. AST is cute and what I’ve been using for the last few quests to soak what little exp I can, but... this is a bit too serious for a cute healer in a skirt and glasses, plus the collar on the shirt would cover his face in some of the shots... DRG it is again then, I guess. It has sort of taken over as my primary class. I enjoy playing it more than BRD :\

“Let us hope that the coming meeting passes more peacably than the last such gathering in ala Mhigo” jfc Y’shtola. Hhhhhooooo here we go!!!!!!! Hhhhh I love Alisaie I remember this was the part that solidified her as precious little sister numero uno.... god... the scene where she gets taken away I’m already nearly tearing up I love Shadowbringers man holy shit.

Raha you dumbass!!!!! Endangering everyone like that. Literally takes five tries before he gets it right, and trying to explain everything while the WoL can’t rightly hear. I know he’s desperate but goddamn dude. Just. God. I’m so excited. I’m excited to see Urianger get to be an actual character again. I’m excited for the Scions to actually care about each other and especially the WoL. Also to see Doran grapple with these troubles as Secret did, finally finally learning why the hell he’s here, what Secret is and what he is, and... coming to terms with it. He was excited when it first happened, before his memory was sapped, mostly a product of being fused with Secret for so long without a will of his own, but... after experiencing all this, seeing these people as his friends. Learning to accept his place in the story much more easily than Secret...

There’s a reason I’ve kept the title “The Last Resort” on him. It’s for my own purposes. Secret has still not accepted that she as a person, though not her soul was created for the sole purpose of being a hero. If she can’t accept this in time... she might resort to letting Doran take the reins. Forfeiting her personhood altogether. This path would rely on unofficial lore about Fantasia, about how it warps reality to make it so that you were always this race or that... I might actually do it, too. I’ve done more things right with Doran, and I have friends on this server. I... suppose Secret would take Doran’s place in my personal narrative then. Which. Feels bad. Like a disservice to Secret, though... I suppose it doesn’t have to be. At this point Doran is still no less relevant to her. Secret will have simply gotten literally washed away with her memories.

I’m uh. Starting to think I might be too attached to Secret. The thought of having her not be my main character, of neglecting her in any way, of having to make this choice is. Making me genuinely emotional... though I suppose I’ve seen enough people on here talk about how they cry about ocs and whatnot.

Anyhow. I think I might change Doran’s hairstyle for Shadowbringers. might make it longer. It seems only appropriate, it having been so long... and something more elegant would be fitting. Maybe I’ll finally find and settle on an AST glam that is suitably pretty. I adore my current one for how cute it is but it doesn’t exactly fit ShB’s vibes.

Oh wait back to serious stuff. It’s funny that Lyse didn’t get called. G’raha explained it as the people closest to the WoL were called, and... for even Urianger to be called and not Lyse. It has funny implications.

MAN....... WHY does this game put Alisaie through so much :(((((((( Endwalker had BETTER give her and Alphinaud some damn good development like they implied. LET THE WoL BE THEIR OLDER SIBLING OR SOMETHING...... The WoL and Alphinaud were so good together during HW, and then them and Alisaie in this sequence and a few other scenes before now and during ShB but... it just doesn’t feel like it’s there during ShB, not with all the other adult characters around.

Granted I do this with every kid in this game. I saw Myste and even before I knew what their deal was it was just

this plays in my head every single time i see a kid. Let me adopt Unukalhai. Game. Game I am demanding now let the WoL care about others. That poor kid has just been sitting in the Solar for two entire expansions then some, and not even as a result of being a necessary quest npc stuck in a time bubble like Urianger’s double in the Waking Sands like he’s aware of what’s going on. I... actually imagine he might be relevant in Endwalker. Reaper comes with your very own voidsent, which means the void will be relevant again which might mean Unukalhai will be relevant!!! At the very least to the Reaper questline, if it has one.

Continuing the story again. Actually you know what LET THE WOL HUG THEIR FUCKING FRIENDS!!! It wouldn’t take THAT long to set it up for each different race which I assume is what keeps them from having the WoL physically interacting with much of anything but it would be SO GOOD!!! IT WOULD BE WORTH IT!!! I wanna give Alisaie a hug she’s suffering so much :(

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH IT’S HIM HIM HIM HIM IT’S EMET-SELCH FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YES! HELL YES I’VE BEEN WAITING!!!!!!!!!I forgot he was introduced here!!!!!!!!!!! It sounds like his voice actor hasn’t settled into his voice yet at this point though :0 And his theme!!! i love his theme I thought it was so weird at first but it’s fitting...

Oh my god did they not update Varis’s model since his debut? Look at this shit

Why are his pupils square... and blown up as it is on my screen it’s like... i can see individual splotches of color on his texture??? Incomparison Emet-Selch’s eyes are still sharp up close and instead of weird splotchy skin you can see individual pores. I just. Why. Didn’t they update him???

OH LMAO RIGHT AND THEN VARIS JUST SHOOTS HIM! GOD. And the FACE they have him make. Emet-Selch is such a good character.

Actually I’ve decided that Garleans are just ugly. I think that’s just it actually.

And then there’s... Black Rose, was it called? This would be confusing to see if you didn’t do those sidequests in Gyr Abania. Granted they were to unlock aether currents but I imagine plenty of people skipped them. This would have been a very abrupt introduction, and it loses relevance so soon after...

Hmm. With the story bringing back what I now realize are forgotten/resolved tidbits about the Empire, I can’t help but wonder if they’ll bring back the Optimates, what with us finally seeing the Garlemald in person in Endwalker. They would make for a good enough rival faction.

I have... changed Doran’s hair... it’s really just his old hairstyle but longer, the highlights are even in the same place though they’re fainter. He has gone through subtle changes between expansions. First I changed his lips to a darker color, flip flopping between not wearing lipgloss to a peach color then to as dark as you can get without wearing actual lipstick. Then I changed his eyebrows, still short but angled slightly downwards. And now his hair is long... the implication is that he’s let it grow out over time. It looks nice with most of his outfits, even plays nice with DRG’s hood, though as I expected my previous AST glam is a no-go. It actually looks cute from the front but it sticks right through them hem in the back and we can’t have that.

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh may have just spent 800k gil on a nice shirt. On the bright side my AST glam is now just about as pretty as I can get it. I took the vibe I liked from the old one and now Doran’s a little... uh... maybe I shouldn’t have given him long hair.....

Ah shit I haven’t put together a GNB glam yet and I’m running low on funds... the only reason I could even afford that shirt was bc one of my fc members gave me and the only other guy that was on 1mil one night at random :| I really like the current glam but... it’s too cartoony for ShB!!!! hhhhhhhh Maybe I’ll be able to utilize some of the next Scion set once I get it...

hhh back to story... there’s this person in my FC that’s super talkative, but 56 and married and getting into over-sharing territory :| not like... weird oversharing but man I don’t need to know you get hives that was unprompted. Chill otherwise and it IS like 12 but wtv.

Aw man if that guy in the most recent trailer really was the twins’ dad then no wonder Alphinaud is out here looking to make any man who’s nice to him out as a father figure. There’s Estinien, Arenvald, now Gaius... and you might count Urianger and Thancred, and maybe the WoL.

Oh, Ascian lore! There’s a hierarchy. Red masks stand above black, already knew this. Those joined to the Source stand above those adrift in the shard. I don’t think I would have understood this the first time.

“A silent agent of death... Now that I think on it, Black Rose may well possess the perfect aspect.” I... is this him pondering whether this is how the Calamity will take shape, or deciding it?

Oh I really don’t like Varis’s voice acting. I’m glad he dies soon. Although, that “... It was by design!?” was pretty good. So is that information that Garlemald is an Ascian construction is absolutely hilarious, as is Emet-Selch toying with Varis.

OH. Emet-Selch has all these clones because Varis choose him as a test subject while messing around with Allagan cloning technology. I thought for some reason that the clones had been Emet-Selch’s doing.

“I’ve a feeling this won’t be the last time his bravery in the Empire will serve us here in Eorzea.” Said by Raubahn about Alphinaud setting back Black Rose production. Probably obvious foreshadowing for Endwalker.

Sharlyan... attempted to negotiate peace with the Empire? That’s not exactly surprising, though it is still new to me. Tucked in optional standing-around dialogue from Alisaie

Oh my GOD I hate Varis and his idiot hat. This scene is so uncomfortable and not just because I have to hear Varis speak. All of the city-state leaders act like monumental shitheads just to create tension and let Varis put them down it’s stupid. You idiots you’re supposed to be engaging in peace talks not venting about the Empire. Put aside your pride and play parley with the single most hated man in the world. It’s literally all just to stall for time, why would they do any of this. And oh my god, who even let Aymeric speak here. He brings up his stupid little battle with the dragons or his daddy issues at every opportunity. Yes yes we all played Heavensward but I can assure you it was not for its politics or message about war. Like yeah that whole ordeal ended terribly. We just killed the evil people/dragons and that was that. Solved purely through force.

Hhhh I forgot about this. That Varis AGREED with the Ascians. “There will be but one race--a perfect race--as we were when time began.” HHghghh. Oh right and he freely admits the bit about Garlemald being built by an Ascian.

Hm. Currently the Ascians’ plan is to bring about more Calamities which would be terrible and kill lots of people. Fandaniel... wants to kill everyone. I wonder how he accounts for the other shards. Wouldn’t it have made sense to at least try and work with his fellow Ascians? Either to round all up all the souls in one place before blowing it all to hell, or by sabotaging their plans and creating more situations like the one that created the Void. Or if decimating the Source would kill everyone anyways.

“Don’t you dare leave me alone.” ALISAIEEEEEEEEEEEEE AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I HATE THIS PART! I HATE IT! DON’T TAKE HER AWAY THAT SCENE HURTS SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!

Taking a break to do my dailies for poetics bc I BARELY make the ilvl requirement for the next dungeon. anyhow. In this prae run there’s a Haurchefant look-alike called “Haurchefant Corpse”. He’s wearing a white suit and a halo, and is a scholar. I’m still laughing man wtf!!! Dude kinda sucks though he didn’t summon his fairy before the battle with Nero and only got out like two offensive spells lmao

Alright. Story again. G’RAHA. STOP BEING A CRYPTIC ASSHOLE!!! ALISAIE!!!!!!!!! HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I KNOW THEY REUNITE SOON BUT... HER REACHING FOR THE WoL... WHO LET THEM BOTH ONTO THE BATTLEFIELD!!!!! I’ll fucking cry man... this is cruel...

Oh my god I was looking to see if there were any story sidequests at this level i skipped the first time and saw that there IS story with Unukalhai that I haven’t seen, currently. Because I haven’t been able to do all of the savage trials with him... maybe once I get to 80 I’ll be able to convince someone to unsync them with me for first clears... the questline is called “Void Quests” too... Ah. To do this last questline you have to have ALSO done all the role quests. Good thing I’m leveling one of each currently lmao... wait. I don’t have a caster. I suppose I’ll have to level summoner on him after all...

“But no one is invincible, Doran. Not even you. So please, take care of yourself out there.” Foreshadowing of the WoL nearly getting merc’d on the battle field. Side note I had to look that up because I’ve been thinking of that word a lot lately. And now realize that it is not a real word but a gaming term? Also that it’s written like that. It comes from CoD4. Or. Actually. reading more I have no clue where it comes from though I did know it was in relation to mercenaries at its root even if its meaning doesn’t.

Ah... speaking of this is probably the last story bit I’m going to do before bed. Though. I... think this leads right into entering Norvrandt. Oh holy shit Doran’s forehead is so big now. he looks so goofy in this shot they took away his fucking eyebrows.

I’ve mostly been wearing his new AST glam since I changed his hair and that at least has glasses... and GNB wears a full-face mask and BRD has a half-face mask. But this. This looks like a lil bit silly ngl.

Ohhh I forgot you fight as Hien against Elidibus/Zenos... While waiting for the WoL to arrive. i love fighting as DRG against Zenos. Same reason as I enjoy using SMN. Fighting using the power of a beast, it’s fitting. Also goddammit G’raha... Why are you so stupid. My guy. Thank goodness Estinien is some kind of stalker because my god. Ohhhh riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight it’s later you actually go to Norvrandt. Rn you just get a lil peek at G’raha. Again, waaaay too recognizable. Literally not even a secret.

Hhhgh... hearing Aymeric speak to the WoL.... they are Friends it is Cute. He like... actually tries, I realize. He makes it clear that he’s fond of the WoL past the obvious hero stuff. Godddddddd this is adorable... Aymeric is still an idiot but he is an incredibly endearring idiot. Ah... and Count edmont comes to visit too. His fatherly relationship with the WoL is adorable as well... I still remember their moment during the DRK questline.

Hhhhhhhhhhhhhggggggg and Tataru crying about seeing the WoL... fwiends... ShB is GOOD. And the WoL goes and kneels in front of her.. ghghhh

Ahh that WAS finally the end of the intermediate stuff. Oh my god I love this game. Jesus christ this is so good. And I finally got the new travelling outfit! Hopefully this’ll give me an idea for a GNB glam... I... can’t use the body piece cause it’s too gaudy but the others would work maybe.

Oh shit I finally lost my sprout too! I’m gonna stop writing now just gotta finish up some business...