#I know it sounds a bit silly and pretentious but like this is my tumblr blog and I can choose the coping mechanism daydream to post about.

[ryderdire]

I think I need to go out into nature alone and just exist around it. I think that will fix me.

[crab-in-a-pocket]

reserved farmer headcanons + meeting the bachelors for the first time!

wanted to make some generally reserved farmer headcanons to kick off this blog and bc i see a lot of very friendly farmers out there and i... am not one of them LMAO

additionally, there's reference to a supposed volatile relationship with a (former?) loved one (projection time!)

also i forgot to open my askbox bc idk how to tumblr ?? i think it's open now (i hope).

tw: drinking and alcoholism, references to past trauma, one Bad Word (sh^t!)

when you first meet everyone, it's a quiet greeting and maybe a witty remark, but you don't stay for any chit-chat

close-lipped smiles are your signature move, along with the Man Nod whenever you run into someone

you are, of course, a nice and courteous person but you don't feel the need to say hello to everyone every damn time you pass by them because, really, you're too busy rushing to Pierre's for some seeds or lugging around foraged beach stuff

okay, maybe some of them think you're a little cold and an introvert who has... problems

but you're not! you are a strong and emotionally stable farmer who gets Shit Done and prefers to observe over participate and think over talk!

mayor lewis is extremely puzzled and almost mistakes you for someone else-- it's been over a decade and people change too much, too soon. he makes a remark about a wishing well your grandfather had built long ago (remember the well? how you fell in it that one time?) and you nod along politely (i didn't fall, i climbed in because i desperately needed my wish to come true)

it's nice to meet people who aren't as temperemental as the tides. maybe, for once, you could have a proper relationship with someone.

alex

easily the most annoying and extroverted person in town what with his obsession with sports and loud, brash personality but you two get along fabulously because you had that same passion for gridball in college before you were too busy being a corporate slave

he's a little surprised that you sit next to him at the saloon but he goes along easily and the conversation flows between the two of you easily, ranging from future plans (thinking of going pro... think i'll make it?) to the weather without sounding like you're making fake smalltalk (i wanted to play pro, too, and here i am now. if you really want it, you'll have to leave this all behind)

there's something genuine about him that's intriguing and it leaves you wanting to find out and see what the real alex is like inside because you can see through that wall he's made

and there's something enigmatic about you, who is reserved and quiet and seems to be a simple open book, when in fact, you are a very attractive onion with many, many layers

sam

you think he's immature. a wildchild, a manchild, a wildmanchild, really. sam, on the other hand, is drawn in by your calmness and how in-control you appear to be-- when you offer to play a game of pool when sebastian doesn't show up, he's delighted at the opportunity to know you better

okay, so he is immature and a wildmanchild but there is a softness in him that surprises you every time he shows it-- which is frequently around you

he has a soft smile to counteract his proud one and he's so in awe of how you get so much stuff done every day (i don't know how you do it, that's gotta be tough), every week, and every month (you'd like the responsibility, i think. to me, it's one big project i need to finish)

he has instant crush on you because you're so cool even though your line of profession really doesn't evoke much awe. i mean, you're  attractive, you are so in control of your life, and you have a really cute smile whenever he compliments you-- how could he not?

shane

bit bold of you to sit next to him at the saloon because every knows he's can be a real asshole, but he glances at you with a hint of awe and more than a hint of annoyance. you elect to ignore this and choose to order a whisky on the rocks (if you don't drink, call it apple juice)

whisky: shane's a touch impressed because you look like a lightweight. well, it's nice that someone can hold their liquor. he makes a remark about it (planning on getting drunk, huh?) and you raise a brow at him, looking a little haughty and tell him that it's your drink for the week. he's annoyed at your remark and starts an argument that surprisingly, settles down into a civil conversation

apple juice: he snorts at that and makes a remark about meeting penny for your lessons the next day. you play along and sip at your drink, making witty remarks (thank yoba for hangovers. it's the non-drinker's edge, really. just like not having liver failure). he's not sure if he should be annoyed or impressed at your cool-as-a-cucumber personality, not sure if it's too big city or too closed-off

you offer to buy him a pizza if you can take a away his beer-- at any rate, he looks like he'll end up with liver failure the way he's going. shane aquiesces and devours the entire pizza. your conversation is slow and punctuated with his loud chewing but you're pleasantly suprised that he's quite smart and well-read about whatever you're interested in

the fourth time you sit next to him, he turns down your pizza and doesn't say a word. neither do you and it's almost like it's back to square one until you realize that he hasn't made a single salty remark about anything. you decide to try again the day after tomorrow-- nothing comes too quickly to people like you and shane.

sebastian

it was the necklace you wore that caught his eye. a shining teardrop stone hanging off a gleaming silver chain. he had spoken before he could stop himself and watched as you smiled and told him he was right-- it is supposed to be a Yeti's tear.

you're pleased to meet someone who is also a homebody and a touch more reserved than a lot of other people in town. he's easy to get along with (oh, you're kidding, you really have the signed edition?) and he's got pretty good taste when it comes to literature-- after all, who can refuse a good sci-fi book? (of course i do, i'm dedicated fan)

oddly enough, your conversation is quick and eager and not all reserved. instead of the companionable silence everyone assumes you two to have, you two nearly talk over each other because you finally have someone to complain to about everyone's over-friendliness and he finally has someone who understands what it's like to be trapped in a small world

you tease him about the corporate rat race and he fires back at you about being a part of it. you like sebastian and he likes you-- it's as simple as that.

elliot

he had heard of you through leah who had heard of you through emily who had heard of you through gus who had heard of you from lewis. it was a long grapevine and he's not sure how much of the truth was preserved and it's almost a relief to meet you because, to be frank, he's tired of being the town's newcomer.

first-- you're not peppy and overly cheerful at all. second, you are definitely not hot-tempered. and third, there's something so fascinating about you, something hidden under your calm, pragmatic character. he finds a kindred spirit in you, save for the flowery words and, admittedly, the vanity.

you're amused to meet a writer living on the beach. the cabin was built by one of your grandfather's old friends, a rather surly man who had taken a liking to you when you were much younger. while the hut is in no way fancy, you can't help but consider how pretentious and, contrastingly, humble the writer must be. pretentious in such a way that he thinks living in a sandy, damp shack is a way to beat writer's block (it's odd, it's rarely a choice people make) and humble in such a way that he accepts and bears with living in a worn house with little complaint (it's admirable, if not a little silly!)

you find yourself in his company late at night when you can't sleep and it's so easy to open up to him because he's kind, he listens, and most importantly, he's not embarassed to admit he's got faults, at least to you. you let him see past your collected facade and into your cracked heart far sooner than you think and elliot doesn't mind at all

harvey

you might be the most mysterious person in town simply because of the way you present yourself. he finds himself always stuttering a little whenever you're around because of the way you watch him, set in a relaxed stance, your gaze flat and cool. later, he realizes that it's your resting face. he wonders about what you'd look like if you smiled-- really smiled

he's touched at the fact that you buy him coffee whenever he had to patch you up-- which is frequently, given your liking for the mines. you're adorable when he gives you general anesthesia. he had run out of local anesthesia and you needed a fair amount of stitches and though you told him that you have a high pain tolerance (stitches are far more painful than you think. i really don't want to put you through that), he insisted and you let him (fine, fine. get on with it, doctor). you had let out several inappropriate jokes under anesthesia and your cheeks had hurt from laughing non-stop

harvey's entranced. there's no other way to put it-- he's bewitched by your bright character hiding under that collected facade. he never pries for your secrets because he's got secrets, too. you like harvey because he's sweet and compassionate and even though he has to put up a firm, professional affectation, he wears his heart on his sleeve.

you see him as a friend at first, all platonic and it seems to be the end of it. but one day, as you hand him a coffee, he laughs and smiles and hands you a coffee just the way you like it. you're falling for him so hard and fast you think someone's put a spell on you that makes you notice the minute expressions on his face and mull over the way he talks to you. you're in love with him-- you can only hope he feels the same way too

[we-are-indeed-villains]

Some things I wish I had known before getting sucked into the whole “dark academia” business:

I waited a very long time to start posting here because It just seemed necessary to wait a bit since DA exploded out of nowhere last year. I just couldn’t bring myself to write when I was so disgusted with the community. Now that it seems like we are out of fashion again (lol) I decided it could be worth giving this blog a try.

Also, almost everything I say here goes for pretty much any change in lifestyle, and these are just some general guidelines that I find particularly easy to follow, but do what works best for you!

1 - You DON’T have to spend all of your money to fit into this “aesthetic”.

The biggest problem with what is now called dark academia (but really, it has been a thing for such a long time) is that people put it in the same category as, for instance, VSCO girls or Indie (not that there is any problem with these aesthetics in specific, they are actually quite cute!). I know this sounds like rubbish, but DA really is a little bit more than that. The clothing/visual part of it may be important to some, but the way you choose to live your life and the hobbies you opt to engage with are crucial for everyone!

That being said, don’t spend a ridiculous amount of money on expensive linen shirts and fancy blazers. You don’t need a brand new pair of Oxfords or a 100% leather messenger bag to consider yourself DA. Start small, then make investments if you find it to be worth it. That brings us to our second point:

2 - Find your favourite aspect of the community.

I know it can be very overwhelming to adhere to any new style of living, but there are some easier ways to make a smoother transition (also, you don’t really want everyone to notice that you went from water to wine in one week, and then back to water after two more because you felt lost amidst all of those weird nerds you found on Tumblr, right?).

Begin with figuring out what part of the lifestyle you identify with the most. Is it the musical part? Classical dance? Are you into poetry? Books? History?

Once you have that done (I plan on doing posts on all of those topics and more, so stay tuned!), narrow it down until you find the very core of your interest. For example, I absolutely love literature, but what do I love about it? Is it the writing part? The reading part? Both? Do I have a favourite style? If the answer for the previous question is ‘no’, try to find one! There are so many amazing styles and eras to explore!

After determining what is/are your main interests, make sure to find time to fit them into your life. Buy more books, if possible. There are also public libraries with a great variety of literature to choose from! If you already do that, I encourage you to try getting out of your comfort zone and attempting something new. Why not experiment reading a different style of books? Or maybe getting into the more poetic part of literature?

3 - Get into it!

Have you found your main interest? Great! Now it may be time to actually get into the fashion aspect of the whole thing. Also, remember that, although it is not a requirement per say, being academically successful is something you may want to achieve, so put some effort into that as well.

I won’t get too much into the fashion rabbithole, but I may write something about it later. In the meantime, you can definitely find some great guides on different DA related blogs.

4 - Don’t adhere to all the negative habits that DA romanticizes.

We all know that mental illness and self destructive behaviors are heavily romanticised, and I will say this from the bottom of my heart: DO NOT LET YOUR MENTAL HEALTH SLIP BECAUSE OF SOME 15 YEAR OLD ON TUMBLR! Trust me, it is NOT worth it.

Cigarettes, alcohol, coffee, all-nighters, heavier drugs. All of that may seem cool and edgy from the outside (why people think that, I could not tell you), but it can also defeat the main purpose of DA and, even worse, ruin your physical and mental health for good. How are you going to stay ahead in school and go to Oxford if you are too busy partying and snorting coke? You will get a sore nose and a big hole in your pocket, that’s all.

Nihilism is another one. Note that I said “nihilism”, not "existentialism" (more on that coming in the future). If you enjoy pondering the reason for human existence and you question the religious beliefs that control our society, welcome to the club! But please, please, don’t let that get too much in your head. Existential depression is a very painful and difficult thing to deal with. It will take away any joy you may find and it is not in any way productive. If you have it, you will know what I mean. Thinking about it sometimes, writing poems, debating with friends, that’s all good, even encouraged, but don’t let it go to your head and become a problem. Not worth it.

Some extra things I would like to mention:

1 - Don’t force yourself into doing or enjoying anything. Sure, reading is good, but if it isn’t enjoyable there is no reason to become obsessed with it! DA should not be a burden.

2 - Stay away from the eurocentric ideals that come with the community. Racism is bad even if you want to live in the 1800s. There is simply no excuse to think that European culture is richer or more refined than any other. Remember that the only reason you think that is because some rich, old, white men decided to murder and opress millions of different people for pure egoism. Not really something to be proud of.

Also, if you are thinking “Yeah, whatever, but English culture is a lot nicer than Mexican, or Indian culture”, then you should probably reevaluate the reasons for your interest in DA.

3 - Don’t be mean to people just because you think it fits with your all-new pretentious and arrogant character. I don’t care if you want to be perceived as such, but it can be very bad in the long-run. Just be aware of that.

And most importantly, don’t let DA take away your personality! It’s okay to like video games and read gossip magazines every once in a while. It is also okay to be yourself. You don’t have to (and probably shouldn't) get rid of all the qualities that make you unique (yes, this is a cliche, but there is a reason why people say it all the time). Be silly, say dumb things and play minecraft with your friends all night, for godsakes!

“This above all: to thine own self be true,

And it must follow, as the night the day,

Thou canst not then be false to any man.”

(Hamlet - Polonius, act 1 scene 3)

-- Shakespeare, William

Memento Mori, dear villains.

[bubmyg]

u know i’ve talked at nauseam before abt how yoongi is my artist for life, how much his music means to me, etc etc so each year that passes it feels a bit redundant to reiterate it again and again but i think today being my four years of being a fan of yoongi (not to. pontificate about twitter words fjdksfd but fan feels more appropriate than stan in this instance idk) feels very. full? fourish years ago today i was sitting in the dining hall furtherest from the dorm i didn’t want to return to at all in general let alone in subzereo temperatures crying after having heard the entirety of the agust d mixtape for the first time even after “stanning” bts since october of 2017. today in 2022 i potted two new plants, made myself some hot chocolate, felt like a person in my own skin for the majority of the day. 

four years isn’t a super significant number. im probably a lil bit lame bc i track these things at all but shrug emoji idrc i don’t think lmao. a bit lamer to say it doesn’t feel like four years bc yoongi’s art has become such an integral part of my being that it just feels like it’s always been there. like im genuinely not trying to sound pretentious, being a fan of yoongi has always felt a lil different to me, if only in the way i hold his music super dear and close to me. i’m fairly confident i’m always going to. if tumblr’s search function actually worked i’m sure u could find this exact sentiment a thousand times on my blog: i’m not joking when i say yoongi is my artist for life lmao (i also want to bite him. it’s called duality—)

anyway. cheers to four years of me making a fool of myself publicly on this blog w how much i love my silly little favorite celebrity. cheers to all the other times i’ve privately looked to one of my inspirations for comfort. can’t wait to see what u do next bubs <33

[danni-dollarsign]

HEY here’s Danni yet again ranting about writing bc all I ever do is read books on writing and stare at my WIPS and cry. I’m gonna ramble a bit on word choice and how I personally like to go about that, since I keep running into “USE THESE WORDS INSTEAD” posts and wanted to deposit my thoughts to anyone particularly interested in ‘em. 

Ok, so a lot of times I come across those Tumblr posts that are like “Use any of these words other than this general one in your writing!” and I legit always look at the list of “synonyms” and about half of those words do not have close enough definitions to be used interchangeably. Words used irresponsibly can result in just as much dissonance as bland/basic word choice, so nothing is gained. But as a pretentious, flowery writer who loves romantic and poetic prose, I can’t deny the importance of varying word choice. So, what do we do? If these posts give the impression of simply listing the synonyms list of commonly used words that I can’t just switch out easily, how can I change my word choice to keep the flow and avoid stagnancy?

Allow me to offer a pretty boring but still important standard for your consideration: Try to refrain from switching up word choice just for the sake of switching up word choice.

It’s definitely good to incorporate a wide vocabulary in your writing, not just to retain the interest of your readers, but also fosters language development and comprehension skills for yourself! But at the end of the day, if you’re looking up synonyms for a word and none of their definitions really fit the idea you’re going for, then you’ve already got the perfect word. Use language deliberately, and use it well.

BUT!!! What if you still want to vary verbiage, but your story’s context/scene are making you feel trapped in a specific realm of generic words. Here’s another one that I almost always use in my stuff -- and it’s Re-thinking your scene to generate more evocative language. 

This strategy is sometimes disguised as that whole “Change your Setting” tip you might come across in writing advice forums. But if your story’s setting needs to be specific and cannot be changed, then definitely I recommend this instead. 

Sometimes, the scene I have in my head, the way my characters interact with the plot and each other -- there are only so many words befitting of those strict and specific instances. So, I re-imagine the scene -- not so much the weather or setting, but more figuratively speaking. I imagine myself some dwinky little director man, changing the lighting, re-writing possible dialogue, re-thinking character presentation, doing the scene exactly the same except “a little to the left” (lol) -- all for the sake of discovering just what word-choice can really make this scene “pop”. While I don’t have the energy to write it all out (if you do, like wow I envy u sdhgjfg), I already spend a lot of time daydreaming, so this is perfect for those dreamers who already fixate on their storylines. For instance, changing the “lighting” of a scene can affect the tone, thus changing what syntax structure I want to use; a scene I might cast in blue, somber colors might employ more poetic, gothic writing, words more pertaining to heart-wrenching emotions that reverberate like cathedral bells in the ribcage. Or, that same scene cast in summery daylight of orange and yellow can demonstrate more vitality, naive and seemingly eternal, leaving a brightness in your smile and a twinkle in your eyes. See what I did there? Get a little silly with it - Hell, sometimes when I make that figurative lighting ironic, contrasting like a sad scene with a “happy” tone, it evokes a strange emotion seldom realized in life, but somehow so exceedingly real that it tends to become my more favorite scenes in a fic. While these can be very trial-and-error and might not come across the way you hoped with your readers the first few times, it’s always worth trying if you find it particularly fun.

Right. So we’re still left with that initial question of how can I vary my writing without simply switching up words used in a synonym list?

Well, first, please always look at the definitions of each of those “synonyms”. While, yeah, they are definitely synonyms, but there’s a reason why they’re separate words. Always have confidence that the words you’re using are the best words you can be using in a scene (or at least pretend to have confidence, since literally that’s me everyday of my life). Get friendly with online dictionaries (personally I like online the best bc they’re databases and therefore update a bit easier than a traditional print dictionary). If you’re feeling spicy, seek out a word’s historical usage - sometimes, it can give an extra dimension of POP that can sometimes feel like an Easter egg for readers and rewards those who either seek out that information or already know it. 

For the record, I’m very much an “emotional” writer. I like passionate language, words that particularly strike a chord with me. Your story may not play well with this advice, so disclaimer hgfhggfh - BUT certainly there is plenty reason to beware of just spamming “Find & Replace” all your common words to try and sound better in your writing. Seek out those who’s writing resonates with you. Seek out references and support. Curate your learning experiences so that your writing skills evolve in the best way they can in your amazing care. Certainly don’t just listen to me - try new things, see what works and what doesn’t, and proceed from there. But like, seriously, let’s move on from the whole “said is dead” propaganda - educate, don’t replicate.

[creatingnikki]

Dearest Atlas,

That is a really fun choice for a pseudonym. Perhaps, your actual name? Unlikely but for the sake of this letter and me you’re Atlas irrespective. So, hello! You’re almost a decade younger to me and I must admit, I’m a little nervous to write you this love letter. I’ve never had an issue writing or interacting with people older to me by 3-4 decades even. But talking to someone younger always takes me back to when I was their age and how much I hated older people acting as though they knew better.

Of course, now after growing up I have realized that it’s just natural for you to know more and learn more as you live more (exceptions exist always and there’s not an equal increase in age and knowledge/wisdom, as we all know). I mean, compared to a 5 year old, you know so much more. But I think the one place where most adults go wrong is that instead of looking after those younger to them, they either patronize them or exploit them. Shouldn’t we, by default look after those younger to us? Protect them, so that they don’t lose their innocence and heart due to this shit world as early as we did? This sentiment is why I love a classic that most people don’t – The Catcher in the Rye by J.D Salinger. If you haven’t read it, I highly recommend it. I will warn you that the narrator is annoying but his heart is in the right place and that’s the most important thing.

I guess since I’ve already started writing this letter my nervousness is out the window. Do forgive me if at any place I come across as preachy or pretentious. Know that isn’t one bit intentional.

You know how I know I’m no longer a teenager? Because I just spent 10 minutes looking up what LB(BT) means. I still don’t know but as per Google this is what it could mean:

Let’s be bored together (doesn’t fit the context as you said ‘I’m LB(BT)’)

Something related to LGBTQ+ (Is it?)

Lembaga Bela Banua Talino (Which is an Institute for Community Legal Resources Empowerment – umm probably not?)

When older people would be so clueless with slangs like LOL and TTYL and BRB 10 years ago I would think, ‘Are they serious? What’s not to get in that?’ But this is a WTF moment for me because I have crossed over to the other side, clearly. Anyway, now I’m quite curious so do let me know, please! Haha

Though, I do have a really embarrassing and silly story related to internet slang and ‘brb’. So this was back in 8th grade – 2010 – when I had just joined Facebook and had started to talk to this senior in school who I soon developed a crush on. Now, you need to know 2 things for context:

Back then everyone in school would type in “chat language” which was very “cool”. For instance, ‘What is up with you?’ would be typed as ‘wht is up wth u?’

This guy would use terms of endearment for me like sweetheart, darling, etc. *pukes*

So, for a whole week when we would chat, and he would use ‘brb’ during our conversation I had no idea what it was but I just assumed it was another term of endearment. Oh my god. Shall I even say it? Okay…so I thought it was….barbie. YES WHY WOULD HE CALL ME THAT. It’s bloody weird but my 14 year old brain worked in weird ways, and yes you’re a whole lot smarter than I was at 14, and I just assumed that. Why I continued talking to a guy who I thought called me ‘barbie’, I do not know. From entering the world of social media at 14 and not knowing slangs like the back of my hand to reaching here – writing a letter to a 14 year old and not knowing another slang’s full form – a I believe I have reached a full circle. Thank you? I think it’s very humbling but also grounding to realise how old you are or just how much time has passed by. Adulting is quite disorienting and moments like these are needed.

And thankfully, I know what you mean when you say you’re Wiccan. And I think that’s pretty cool! Around when I was 16 I read a Jodi Piccoult book about teen Wiccans and I was so fascinated that post that I did 3 things:

Convinced my friend to become Wiccan with me

Installed an app for spells

Convinced my mom to let me get a tattoo with a sentence from the Wiccan Rede

My friend ditched me, the spells on that app needed things that weren’t accessible to me and I was too much of a chicken to actually get inked (still don’t have a single tattoo!) and none of those things ever really materialised.  In yet another way you’re so much smarter than I was back then. I keep saying this not to be weird but to admire you and just express how in awe I am by certain things you mentioned.

Shall I just paste the Wiccan Rede here for everyone to see how beautiful and solid it is? Or perhaps the end of it that hit me the most?

“With a fool no season spend or be counted as his friend.

Merry Meet and Merry Part bright the cheeks and warm the heart.

Mind the Three-fold Laws you should three times bad and three times good.

When misfortune is enow wear the star upon your brow.

Be true in love this you must do unless your love is false to you.

These Eight words the Rede fulfill:

“An Ye Harm None, Do What Ye Will”

And the sentence I wanted to get a tattoo of? Any guesses?

Well – An Ye Harm None, Do What Ye Will.

While I didn’t get it, I do want to talk about it.

People will always tell you what to do and what to be and what to think and how to behave and what to not wear and what to see and what to not talk about. These people will be your friends, parents, teachers, siblings, relatives, strangers, lovers, the government, employers, enemies and bullies. A lot of them will be well-intentioned and that’s where it will get tricky. But you should always do what feels right to you. No matter who says what. Stand up for what you believe in no matter who or how many people are against it. That’s from the book To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee and another book that I highly recommend.

As you grow older, the lines between good and bad, black and white, brave and weak will quickly and confusingly blur. You’ll have to make a million choices, a lot of which won’t matter in a few years while some will stay with you for the rest of your life. And sometimes it will feel like you’re in a maze and thick fog (all the confusion between what’s right and what’s wrong) is surrounding you and there is this loud, piercing noise (other people’s voices) that won’t stop until you find your way out that maze. What’s waiting for you outside? Some people think it’s success, money, love, or even death. It really depends on how you see things and what’s the most important to you.

To me? I think what’s waiting out there for me is peace and truth. Lately, I’ve been able to find my way out but it’s only seconds until I’m dragged back inside. So, how to figure a permanent way out this maze is my journey next. I don’t know anything. No one knows anything. But yet people insist on pretending to know. And sometimes that’s important too (like at work). But I hope when you’re on your journey of figuring things out for yourself, you do what feels right to you and only remember – An ye harm none do what ye will.

A picnic with your friend family where everything was so happy sounds like such a precious and beautiful memory. I’m glad you got to experience that and I can only hope that while you navigate your way through the maze, you find such absolutely lovely and blissful moments in plenty. And as for your ex who sent you anon hate – so glad that such an ass is out of your life. As someone who has received a lot of nasty anon hate on tumblr, I know it hurts the most when you suspect (more like just know it) that it’s someone who used to be close to you. I guess that’s the other stuff hiding in the maze – bitterness and pain. But I think as long as you have a few people who have the best interests for you at heart who hold your hand and figure the way out together, you’re going to be okay.

So, Atlas, I do think this turned out to be a tad bit didactic but know that’s only because the part inside of me that’s still 14 is cheering on for you and sending you much love.

xoxo

Nikki

PS I know I’ve given you 2 book recs already but here’s a third one cos I think you’d quite like it – Undead Girl Gang by Lily Anderson. It’s a book about two high school best friends who are Wiccans and one of them kills herself and the other uses a spell to bring her back to live temporarily to figure out what really happened.

Guys, February is 29 days of love letters. I’m writing love letters, as part of The Love Project, and if you’d like me to write one to you, drop me an email at creating.nikki@gmail.com

There are 10 more spots left, and you can still be a part of it if you’d like :D

I wrote this letter for Atlas based on some questions they answered. You can read their answers here.

[sanguinarysanguinity]

Twenty Titles meme

(x-posted from DW, and gakked from china_shop)

My last twenty fic titles on AO3:

A Jelly Good Show (Whitehead Holmes)

The Adventures of Goatratio Hornblower (Hornblower)

Tell-Tale (Hornblower)

The Taste of Truth (ACD Holmes)

New Year's Snow (Hornblower)

A Well-Rooted Briar (Hornblower)

To Make Dreams Truths (ACD Holmes)

Their Shared Will (Hornblower)

Seeking High-Energy Self-Starter, Flexible Schedule (My Dearly Beloved Detective)

HMK Nonsuch (Hornblower)

The Golden Sand (Hornblower)

Solace and Comfort (Hornblower)

Cock on the Right (Hornblower)

Opinions of her Own (Hornblower)

No. 36 Bannerman Road (The Sarah Jane Adventures)

Any Service Required (Hornblower)

Tea for Two (Moriarty - Horowitz)

A Tendency to Tease (Hornblower)

Kissing Lessons (Hornblower)

William Bush, Oldster (Hornblower)

1. How many are you happy with?

Fourteen, maybe -- I've vastly improved at titling in the last year or so. I require a title to be easy to remember and easy to match with the fic; ideally, a title should furthermore speak to some fundamental aspect of the story, or work at multiple levels. Over the last year, I've gotten better at identifying what is core about a story, and teasing out or devising a phrase that gets at it.

2. How many are... not great?

Eh, three? "Tell-Tale" comes annoying close to being a good title; it almost is a figurative descriptor of the gift as well as a literal one, and yet I'm not convinced it actually comes off. "New Year's Snow" is just blah. I mean, it's fine, but it does absolutely nothing of any kind of worth. "To Make Dreams Truths" is pure ugh: it's a line of poetry that doesn't QUITE fit, it comes off as annoyingly pretentious, I always have to squint at it a bit to remember which story it's supposed to be, I hate it.

3. How many did you scramble for at the last minute?

Nearly every single one -- eighteen were titled as part of prepping for AO3. At least one ("William Bush, Oldster") was actually first published without a title to tumblr. I have sometimes been tempted to keep those tumblr vignettes titleless when I pull them over to AO3, just write "Untitled" where it demands a title. But it's too cumbersome to have a bunch of things titled "Untitled" in my works list, so I've always given in at the last second and put something there.

4. How many did you know before you started writing/creating, or near the beginning?

"The Adventures of Goatratio Hornblower" and "Seeking High-Energy Self-Starter, Flexible Schedule" are the only two I knew well in advance, and it's probably not a coincidence that they're both silly, comedic titles for silly, comedic premises. In both cases, having the title in hand was very helpful in keeping me from losing my way with the stories: I kept drifting serious, then remembering that I had titled the thing "Goatratio" or that long horrible twist of management-speak, and then would use that to give myself permission to be silly and ridiculous again.

5. How many are quotes from songs or poems?

Two: "The Golden Sand" (Poe, "A Dream Within a Dream") and "To Make Dreams Truths" (Donne, “The Dream”). I'm happy with the former -- "Dream Within a Dream" is thematically spot-on for the fic, as is the image of the golden sand slipping through the dreamer's fingers while he weeps. My only discontent is that Poe is anachronistic for the Hornblower canon, but whatever, the stories were written in the 20th century and reek of their era, I don't care. Whereas the Donne... Eh, it's just not a great fit. It'll do, of course -- that's why I chose it -- but I don't like it, and the bad title almost makes me hate the story by association.

No, wait, I miscounted: it's three titles from story/song quotes. "Tea for Two" is obviously from a song, hello! I love it as a title -- such a perky, upbeat, happy song, imagining what a pot of tea can mean to a relationship, and meanwhile Moriarty has twisted that pot of tea -- and the underlying relationship -- into an evil caricature of the song's ideal. You know that thing they do in movies where they play something upbeat on an out-of-tune music box so it sounds evil and creepy and ominous? That’s how that title takes me, and I couldn't be happier with it.

ETA: I correct myself again! @educatedinyellow brought up "Cock on the Right," and THAT'S a quote, too, from a maritime rhyme extolling the benefits of various protective tattoos: <i>Pig on the knee, safety at sea; cock on the right, never beaten in a fight.</i> In my head, the title was a straightforward declaration of the story's most significant element -- the fighting cock tattooed on Bush’s right foot -- but it's actually a quote!

6. How many are other quotes?

Maybe ten of them are quotes from the story itself; another four or so might as well be direct quotes, being descriptions of a time or place in the story. Obviously, I find it very productive to dig into the text of the story for a phrase that sums up one of the central themes or problems of the story.

7. Which best reflects the plot of the story/content of the fanwork?

"Their Shared Will," possibly. Will is literally shared between them, obvs, but in-text it's a reference to his subbiness, and that what is getting him off is that they share a will about how to use him. It works perfectly on both levels, and both levels are a succinct and accurate summary of the fic.

8. Which best reflects the theme of the story/fanwork?

"The Taste of Truth," maybe. The title works literally, of course -- there's a fruit that you eat that allegedly tells you a truth, but it's a bitter, nasty fruit, and it tends to tell you cherry-picked truths designed to fuck you up to the maximum extent possible. Only a taste of truth, one designed to tantalize and ruin you. But the main action of the story is the characters experimenting with candid honesty, and so it's not just that bitter, nasty, poisoned truth they've been tasting, but also the good stuff, that which clears your palate and lays the foundation for fixing your life -- and maybe the taste of that is good enough to lead to better things. (I could probably have played more with that metaphor more at the end? Ugh. Maybe in some covert revisions...)

9. Which best reflects the character voice of the story/POV of the fanwork?

"A Jelly Good Show," possibly, being that the character voices are nothing but puns straight through. It was absolutely critical to give that story a punny title and summary.

10. Which is your favourite?

"The Adventures of Goatratio Hornblower," maybe. Distinctive and unmistakable -- I dare anyone familiar with the story to have trouble matching it to its title -- and an honest indicator of the kind of silly fun you're likely to find inside.

[ginnyzero]

Motivations to Write

In my last discussion post, Ideas, Squeaky Toys of Doom, I touched upon a few motivations of why people write. And I guess, it’s the next natural thing to talk about, once one has an idea, there has to be some sort of will to go forward with it, other than tossing it in the bin as useless. As in all things, from going to the grocery to store, to committing a crime, one must have a reason! And if you want to sound sinister (or overly legal) we call it motive!

Before I start meandering, the dictionary describes motive as an inner drive or impulse that causes one to act. A motive is an incentive. It’s the stimulus that gets us out of our chairs (or into them) and doing something. They are the reasons that provide us with the stress to change our ways. (Yes, I said stress. There is positive stress and negative stress, just like there is positive criticism and negative criticism.) Motivations affect us and can be as varied from “I need to eat” to “I have a dream.” Eating is something solid, dreams, are the exact opposite, ephemeral. And having both is important. (I’ll just leave this here.) Motivations are what take you from where you are now, to the future of where you want to be if you want it.

And motivations, these reasons, are as varied and broad and different as the people that come up with them. These are a few I know it. Whether or not the writers you know fall under them may or may not be the case. Just like there is no bad idea, there is no wrong motivation to write. At least, I’m not holding any judgements. And all of these can be combined and used to fuel each other.

Basic Motivations: Money, Fame (Power), Love

Firstly. Let’s get these three fundamental motivations out of the way.

Money, everyone wants to write a book and get rich just like JK Rowling. They want their own house, a swimming pool and a private jet. (Hey, don’t we all want to be rich. No judgement.) Or, you’ve got the other writers, who want to make enough money just to pay their bills and live comfortably. Money is a big motivating factor. The world seems to go around on money and it’s hard to do anything without it. We’ve all got to eat. We need roofs over our heads and as a society we’ve become very dependent on this thing called electricity.

Fame, and I lump fame with power. Writers, just like everyone else, want to be known. They want to be recognized. They want to leave behind a great body of work that people can come back to over and over again. This is a way to become immortal. Fame also brings other perks. Fame can bring television or movie deals. Fame has public appearances and interviews. Fame has people coming to you instead of you going to them. Fame gives you influence and power. Influence and power can change things. Some people like the idea of it.

And love, there are writers that actually just enjoy writing and want to do what they do. They love to come up with ideas, string together plots, hack through scenes and what characters grow and change. I feel, and this is just my feelings and opinions, that all people should love what they do in one way shape or form. And if writing is what makes someone happy and that’s what they like to do above all others, then that love can be a great motivation.

Now, there are five other motivations that I have thought of/remembered and there are probably many more, but these are ones that I see talked about by other writers.

Motivation: “I like this.”

These are the writers who just plain like a concept. I don’t think Louis L’amour and Zane Grey would have wrote so many westerns if they didn’t plain just like them. (Err, that was unintentional, and I’m leaving it. Homophones!) These are writers who will take their idea and just pound it into the ground until you have to wonder if they ever had another idea in their head. Brian Jacques wrote 21 Redwall novels before his death. Mercedes Lackey has written 30 tales in Valdemar (and as far as I know is still writing in that universe.) Jim Butcher is on his 16th Dresden File (of a proposed 28, I think.) And Anne McCaffery’s son has taken up where Anne left off in Pern. And that, ladies and gentlemen is just in science fiction/fantasy. To write that much material for one universe or genre alone takes dedication. Formula writers (by which I mean the structure of their story is the same for every single book/trilogy they write,) genre writers and romance writers can fall under this motivation.

But then there is the opposite.

Motivation: “I don’t like this. I want to see this instead.”

This motivation is often reactionary. This is the cry of disgust from every reader who has thrown a book across the room, got up and went to their computer and sat down and tried to write it better. There are also things that some writers just don’t want to see or write in their novels, so they don’t.

This writing can often be derivative. But you say, what writing isn’t? That’s a real good question. But this motivation uses a lot of things in the public domain such as Jane Austen, Sherlock Holmes, fairy tales and legends. Historical Alternate universe can also fall under this, such as ‘His Majesty’s Dragon,’ by Naomi Novak. In fact, I feel almost anything considered ‘historical’ can be considered this. A ‘I don’t want to see the battles of the war of the roses, I want to know about the love lives of the nobles instead!’

I also find that this motivation can also be used as sort of a research tool. For instance, when a writer likes things from two or three different (but similar potentially or even not) novels, but doesn’t like how any of those novels actually used their ideas. So, the writer takes the ideas they like, combine them into one thing and wah lah, they have their own universe to play in.

“I don’t like this, I want to see this instead,” is a huge motivation in fan works. A huge amount of fan work is either exploring romantic pairings that wouldn’t happen in canon, expounding upon things that weren’t seen in canon or even changing the setting completely and seeing what the characters will do. Continuations, prequels and the children of the main cast are all very common stories that happen in fandom. Given how huge fanfiction.net, mediaminer.org and AO3 are, plus the stuff on journaling sites, private sites (including forums) and tumblr and so on. This is a huge stimulus for people of all ages to write.

Motivation: “I have a story I want to tell.”

The ultimate, “I have something I want to talk about.” By golly, these people have something to say and they’re going to say it, whether you like it or not. They may have a message to get out there.

There is the personal side of this. These are the autobiographies, biographies and ‘based on a true story,’ writers. They’re using their story to spread a message or theme that they think everyone should hear. Which isn’t a bad thing, everyone who writes has a message whether or not they know it. These writers are just more aware of it than others.

Then there is the not as personal aspect of this motivation. These are writers that have a story in their head that they want to tell. And they’ve looked on the shelves and it’s not there, or it’s there in similar form but not how precisely they would do it. They see a void in the market place that they want to fill. Or sometimes, they just have a story in their head trying to get out and they need to get it out so they can move onto something else! There is usually a heavy dose of ‘I like this,’ involved in this type of writing.

Motivation: “I want to help others.”

Ah, the selfless motivation to write or the pretentious one depending on how you look at it.

This can go hand in hand with “I have a story to tell.” These writers hope that by telling their story that they can inspire, help or warn others. Stories about overcoming adversity. Stories about reaching out to others. Stories that show the bad side of life. Or conversely, the stories that show the good side of life. These writers want whoever reads their story to take away something from it, something that will hopefully make the reader a better person.

I have to say that a lot of Christian fictional literature falls under this heading. I’ve read quite a bit of it and not a lot of it has stayed with me, because there isn’t a lot of Christian fictional stories (or at least not when I was reading them) that focused upon walking the life of a Christian. They were usually much more focused upon converting the reader and if you’re a Christian already it feels like they are preaching to the already converted (aka the choir.) Or they were trying to show what a good Christian marriage was with varying degrees of success. Pick one.

And lastly,

Motivation: “I want to feel better.”

This motivation is where writing hits the pure emotional level. This type of writing is cathartic. It releases the feelings inside the writer and gives them a voice. A lot of emotional writing comes from a place of anger and despair. How the writer chooses to translate that anger and despair in their writing is up to them. There are those who will through the guise of writing graphically describe incidents that happened to them so that they can use the characters as a method of coping. They take back their power and control in their writing and use the fictional world as a cipher of the real world to change things. There is also the opposite, those who take that anger or despair and write silly happy things as a way of making themselves feel happier. It’s a way to make themselves laugh while in the undercurrents of the writing they are also often dealing with the deeper issues in their life. In emotional writing, an audience isn’t necessary and may or may not be helpful.

Emotional writing can go along with “I have a story I want to tell,” and “I want to help others.”

Now on the other hand, some people write dark, angry, disturbing stuff because they like writing dark angry disturbing things. And other people write funny silly things, because they like writing funny silly things and they don’t need to feel better. (So, I don’t recommend you call out anyone on the motivations for their writing if you feel it’s coming from an emotional place, because it may not be and you shouldn’t assume anything.)

A lot of these motivations for writing are the same as the motivations for publishing. There is a huge difference between writing something and publishing that something. Just because a writer creates a story, doesn’t mean that they will want to or are going to put it out there in a public manner. That’s their choice and no one should try to take it away from them.

Motivations are tricky things. They can change over time or be joined by other incentives. If you desire to write, there is no wrong reason to do so! They’re your reasons and no one has the right to call them bad ones. It might be because of one of the reasons I posted here or because of others. Whatever the reason is, we writers have to feed those Squeaky Toys of Doom and keep on plugging away.

[mildlymaddy]

Yearly (Belated) Review

Alright, there it is. My answers to the Yearly Review meme. Honestly I found this SO HARD. Not only was it hard to find positive things to say about my writing, but also I don’t remember anything of what I wrote last year? It’s hard to answer these questions if you don’t even remember any detail about your own fics.

It’s really weird because I take so much pride in my actual job, like I know I’m good at it, I know exactly what I’m good at, I could answer all the questions in the world about it. I also think that I’m a really good beta reader, like I’ve never found anybody else like me? Someone who will actually nag at you and go deep and force you to rework stuff and get even better. All of this, I can easily see and appreciate. But my personal writing? UGH. Nothing to keep, throw it all away please.

Writing this was really painful for me, when it seems to have been so much fun for everyone else (as it should be, because y’all are so fucking talented and I’m glad you realize it)... but you know what, soldiering through actually helped me take a step back and force myself to see what was good about my writing. I’m incredibly grateful for it.

1. List of works published this year:

This one at least is easy, you can find the list here.

Except that I forgot my original ficlet I wrote, a soft lesbian summer haze story inspired by some Danielle Campbell photos! It’s there and I think only two people in the world have read it but I really like it.

2. Work you are most proud of (and why):

Hahahahahahahahaha…. hahahaha… haaaa.

Sorry.

Um.

I guess, maybe, the Lilo Brits verse? Because it’s like, one of the more “serious”, angsty things I’ve written (and La helped me make it good).

I guess it’s pretty clear I have a real big problem about thinking “happy” fic is meaningless, which is kind of a downer considering it’s almost all I write (and probably what I’m best at).

Oh, okay, I’ve just re-read that ghost!Liam lirry fic and it’s surprisingly nice. I guess I like the way it’s a total crackfic and yet it’s very tender and bittersweet. I can grant myself that. :)

And now that I’ve found back that Danielle fic I linked to above, I can honestly say that I’m super proud of it. I’m proud of how soft it is, and how tentative, and I just… I really like how poetic it is? The words came out exactly as I wanted them to. I really love it.

3. Work you are least proud of (and why):

Most of them? Like, they’re okay, but most could have been infinitely better if I’d just forgotten about them for a bit and come back to them with fresh eyes, instead of posting them straight away. There’s stuff that people loved that I’m re-reading today and I literally cringe thinking of how much better they could/should have been.

4. A favorite excerpt of your writing:

I couldn’t say. Like, it’s not just that I’m super harsh on my writing, but how am I supposed to remember everything I wrote?? The way you guys all managed to answer this one is what baffled me the most, because I legitimately cannot do it. I’d have to re-read everything I posted (and even then I probably wouldn’t like anything enough to think it’s worth quoting here).

But one thing I can say is that I have a huge soft spot for my Lilo fairy verse. It’s not the most amazing thing in the land but I think Louis as a fairy works really, really well, and it’s just silly and happy and I’m glad I wrote it. :)

 5. Share or describe a favorite review you received:

This one is surprisingly hard to answer! I mean, obviously, @catateme9 is the most supporting reader and friend anyone could wish for, by far. The way you boost authors you like is heartwarming, and shows that you don’t need to actually put out material to be a vital part of the fandom. <3

I’m also just really grateful when people yell at me in their reblog tags, which happens often, it’s probably the most satisfactory feedback anyone can get.

I’m sorry, I feel bad for not being able to recall a really good one, I just… any kind of feedback makes my day. I cherish each and every comment/tag/message I get about my fics, so it’s just impossible to pick one.

 6. A time when writing was really, really hard:

Honestly ask me for a time when writing was easy, it’ll be easier to pinpoint. Writing is torture, all the fucking time. But some of the random ficlets I wrote in bed were wonderful gifts, sudden unexpected inspiration that I managed to see through in one sitting.

But writing has been especially hard for the past couple months, I have to say. I used to constantly daydream about my plots and now there’s only static in my brain.

 7. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you:

I guess all the het fic I wrote. I’ve always written exclusively slash, even back in my HP days (the only Hermione/Ron fic I can remember writing was PG, I couldn’t stomach the idea of writing a sex scene). I think because for a long time I wanted to get as far away from heterosexuality as I could. I guess me writing all those elounor, or elounorexha, or louelle fics shows my own real life path towards accepting I’m bi and that there’s nothing wrong with “het” sex.

 8. How did you grow as a writer this year:

I don’t think I grew at all. Queen of stagnation, that’s me. 😞

 9. How do you hope to grow next year:

I… don’t know? Maybe just… learn to give myself more credit? Be as kind to myself as I am to other writers? Oh and also if I could stop comparing myself to all of you and feeling terrible because I’ll never be half as talented, that’d be nice.

10. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc):

@ferryboatpeak will never not be wonderful. She uses both the carrot and the stick to keep me on track (or tries to, at least), and she’s also sent me some DELIGHTFUL things to beta, for which I’m always so grateful because honestly, reading her stuff and then seeing her turn my suggestions into gold is a fucking privilege.

To be fair, I have a lot of incredibly talented writers as friends. You’re all inspirations in some way, but I’ll mention 3 writers that have really stood out for me this year (please don’t get offended if you’re not in the list you KNOW how much I admire and love all of you, omg, so much!!)

@queerlyalex the sheer range of what you write, and the softness with which you tackle tricky subjects, is absolutely incredible. Your fics aren’t only perfectly written, they’re also so enlightening, and eye-opening, and as someone who was very very clueless before I joined Tumblr, they’ve been a wonderful, soft way of truly realizing there is so much more than what I’ve experienced, and getting my head around some stuff. I feel so incredibly grateful to be your friend.

@polaroidgirlfriend, I’m sorry I haven’t yet read your fionrry, but I still think about your university Narry fic all the time. I’m still floored by how perfect and honest it was, you have a way of… of getting at hidden, unspoken human emotions that is so gentle and yet so uncompromising, it’s a testament to your beautiful soul.

@1000-directions, your love for the boys’ girlfriends (and friends, like Bebe) is the most heartwarming thing ever, and I’m so happy you’re constantly putting out these empowering, woman-positive slices of life out into the fandom world. We need more people like you here. I also love what you said about learning to write for yourself and not caring about how niche something is, that is something I could dearly do with.

I think it’s telling that the three people I’ve picked out have that one thing in common, your way of gently dissecting relationships to get to the heart of them, unflinchingly uncovering the good and the bad bits. You somehow all manage to depict love as a bloody beating heart, both beautiful and terrible, soft and ragged, full of hope and despair, and I just… love this so much about you. There’s a line in one of my fics (that sounds so pretentious omg) which goes “so she’ll stop cutting his heart open as softly as if it was a peach”, and that just really sums it up. I only wrote that one sentence, but y’all actually do it in every one of your fics, and I’m just... in total awe of you. ♥♥♥

 11. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year:

Pretty much everything I write is about me. I get sick? I’ll write some sickfic. I’m super tired? Louis can’t seem to get any sleep. Little gestures I love end up in my stories. Things I crave end up in my stories. Often I’m embarrassed about just how much my stories are a reflection of myself, to be honest. I’m an open book.

 12. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers:

I’ll share wisdom from my actual job : do not cling to your ideas. It doesn’t matter how cute/sexy/well written that paragraph is, or how brilliant that idea is, if it doesn’t fit with the rest of the story or if it’s blocking you up, GET RID OF IT. Seriously. Being able to just delete chunks of your own writing when you realize it’s not serving your story will save you a lot of pain and time.

 13. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:

Any of my WIPs, god, please. I started so many things and they fell through the wayside and I feel so guilty and gutted about it.

The most important thing of all would be finishing Take These Chances, because I still get comments on it from time to time and I’ve dropped it just before Louis and Liam finally realized they were in love and it’s just… it’s terrible. I want to finish it, I just don’t know how to make myself do it.

But I also have that summer heat nouis fic, puppy/kitten lilo, the lilourry mermaid thing, lilo new year’s kiss, another lilo fic about kisses in which liam must kiss louis every hour to make up for waking him up early, the nouis watching Stranger Things, a new installment of caldell highschool au, that hendes fic, a steamy Elouelle ficlet, the follow-up to the sleep-deprived Louis fic… all of these are half-written or more, they just need a little more work, but I can’t. seem. to do it!

If anyone’s got idea on how to motivate me through this, I’m ready to hear them.

 14. Tag three writers whose answers you’d like to read.

I don’t need to tag anyone, you’ve all done it already (and they were a joy to read). ^_^

[silhouettesandsalsa]

June Eleventh

Dan did not like birthdays. He didn’t have anything against the desserts, or the presents, or the scent of birthday candle smoke. He quite liked all of those, actually. One of his first childhood memories was going to his friend Christopher’s third birthday party. He remembered the velvety chocolate cake, and thinking that one day, he would have that same cake on his own birthday. His mother had always bought vanilla cake for birthdays, and he’d never had the heart to say he’d prefered chocolate. But despite all that, he liked nearly all aspects of birthdays.

For other people. Not for himself.

As a kid, Dan had liked his birthdays. Heck, he even looked forward to them, the presents and candy and pinatas. But gradually, as he grew older, he noticed the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Winnie the Pooh themed decor start to disappear, until themed parties were deemed only for “losers.” In fact, it was on his fifteenth birthday that he realized-- he was no longer a kid anymore, and all birthdays did was tell you that you were a year farther away from watching Sesame Street and playing Pokemon, and a year closer to the adult world and boring office jobs and worrying about bank loans and dating, which he thought was disgusting, and inevitably, he realized, death. That day, he excused himself from his French classroom and ran to the boys’ bathroom. He stood in front of the foggy mirror, peering at his pale reflection tinged with green from the faulty bathroom lighting, wondering when he’d suddenly become so old, and exactly when his childhood had slipped from his desperate grasps until it only existed in his memory.

That was why, on June 11th, 2017, Dan did not want to wake up. He had though, a few rays of sunlight beaming in through the windows in his room, shining directly in his eyes.

This, he thought as he pulled the grey covers back over his head, was not a good way to start a day. Having your eyes directly assaulted by a sunbeam. He wished it would rain, or at least be cloudy, as a way of watching his already somber mood. But upon checking the weather app on his phone under the covers, the light illuminating the creases of fabric, he was informed that his birthday was going to be, as he muttered to himself, “bloody brilliant.”

The sky was an exuberant shade of royal blue, with puffy clouds almost resembling marshmallows inching proudly across. The sun was shining brightly, and the birds outside his window were trilling a morning sonata.

“Bloody brilliant,” he repeated. It was as though the entire world wanted him to be happy today, when all he could think about was the inevitability of death. He felt like lying on his bed for the rest of the day, curled into a lump of bitterness and regret.

He knew that at any moment, Phil would come bursting in with some silly cake and party hats, or a messily-baked pan of homemade brownies, or cupcakes from the bakery down the street in some exotic flavor like “avocado” or “mango-chili” or “dark chocolate-bacon.” The thought of Phil brought a small smile to Dan’s lips. Even on days like these, somehow, Phil was always able to make Dan happy. He remembered when he’d been in college, horribly unhappy with his life, in what he liked to describe as his quarter life crisis, and Phil would randomly grab his hand and pull him out of the apartment on mystery outings. Sometimes they’d go buy ice cream cones and eat them in the park nearby. Sometimes they’d buy weird board games from Japan or Italy and spend the night trying to figure out how to play. Sometimes they’d just wander around, their fingers almost touching as they walked side by side. Whatever it was, Phil would always manage to make Dan laugh, even if it was just with a stupid pun.

Dan lay on his bed, letting his eyes shut. His breath became even, and after a few minutes, he was fast asleep again.

  Dan woke with a start. He pulled the hot covers off his head and grabbed his phone from his bedside table. It was three o’clock! He’d been asleep for hours! He scrambled out of bed. Phil must be worried sick! He grabbed a pair of dirty jean off the floor and pulled them on over his pajama shorts.

“Phil!” he called as he hurried downstairs to the lounge. His voice echoed off the walls, mixing with his heavy footsteps. He opened the door to the lounge to find… no one. He checked the kitchen. Nothing. Phil’s room. The bathroom. The gaming room. The balcony. Phil was nowhere to be found.

Huh, Dan thought, brewing himself a cup of coffee in the kitchen. He must be out, he reasoned, pouring coffee into a large mug. He took a sip and sighed. Perhaps this wasn’t so bad. Dan never liked big celebrations for his birthday. He always tried to act happy and upbeat, when really, he just wished that he could sit alone in silence, mourning another year closer to death.

He padded back to the lounge, where he scrolled through Tumblr on his phone. Birthday messages from his friends and followers filled his screen. He sighed and tossed his phone aside. He couldn’t escape from his birthday. Any other day, he’d appreciate those posts, but today he couldn’t stand them. Mindlessly, he grabbed his phone to tap out a thank you tweet to everyone, knowing it was the nice thing to do. Still, he couldn’t help feeling like his somber mood leaked into the tweet as he reread it before posting it. Everyone would notice his lack of enthusiasm, he worried, before realizing it was hard to ever sound enthusiastic over a tweet without overusing all-caps and emojis. Oh well, he thought.

He pulled out the Nintendo Controller and launched himself into a game of Mario Kart, hoping it would take his mind of off everything.

  Hours passed.

Dan finally looked up from his hundredth game, realizing it was already six o’clock. Phil hadn’t bothered to text or call or leave any signs. No DMs, no Snaps, nothing.

But as Dan refreshed his Twitter feed, a tweet caught his eye. It was Phil’s. Just random gif of a birthday cake.

Dan thought nothing of it until he noticed Phil had tagged his location. Someplace called “Bob’s Boba.” Dan remembered walking by it a few weeks earlier and agreeing to try a bubble tea from there at some point with Phil. Now, as his stared at his screen, he almost felt betrayed. Sure, it was small, but they had agreed to go together! And now Phil was off galavanting with who knows to get bubble tea!

Dan frowned. Phil wasn’t one to go back on his promises. What if Phil couldn’t help that he was at Bob’s? What if-

No, Dan shook his head. It was too impossible. But what if? Dan bit his lip, and couldn’t help but let the thought flood his mind.

What if Phil had been brought there by a kidnapper? He hadn’t told Dan about any plans he’d had today.

The hairs on the back of Dan’s neck stood on end. Phil, poor innocent Phil. Kidnapped?

Dan couldn’t stand thinking of his best friend being dragged around by some huge thug, tweeting random gifs to make it seem like everything was normal, against his own will!

He should phone the police, Dan realized. His finger hovered over the nine on his phone’s keypad. No, he thought. He wasn’t even sure that Phil had been kidnapped. He would go to Bob’s, he reasoned, to find Phil for himself.

He ran upstairs and quickly changed out of his pajamas and old jeans into a pair of clean, nondescript ones and a shapeless black hoodie. He couldn’t be bothered to be recognized today, not when he was on a mission. He grabbed his headphones, his wallet, and his keys, shoved them into his hoodie pocket, pulled on a pair of worn black Vans, just in case he needed to run, texted Phil a few hundred times with no response, and headed out the door.

He passed the cute hipster cafe, the grocery store, and the Starbucks. After a while, the buildings began to blur together into a jumbled mess. He was sure he was going the right way. Right? He looked up at the street signs, but they all seemed unfamiliar. He turned to his phone to check Google Maps, but suddenly realized, to his dismay, that he was over his monthly data limit, only eleven days in. He muttered curses to the sky, which, he noticed, was looking grayer than before. In fact, it looked positively cloudy, the cheery sun from before blotted out by ominous masses of cloud.

It started raining a few minutes later. Dan groaned, cursing his earlier self for wishing it would rain. This wasn’t a light rain, either. At first it was a few drops, but then, just like that, it was pouring. Dan was soaked to the bone in an instant, water sloshing around inside his drenched shoes. He shivered in the dark light, ducking under awnings in an attempt to keep dry. His teeth chattered, his hunched figure dripping and dark. His hair stuck to his forehead, and his fingertips grew freezing in his pockets. The rain stung his arms, coming down almost sideways in the wind.

Finally, he came to a street called Borrows Avenue, which sounded familiar. He could’ve sworn Bob’s was nearby, so he picked a direction and walked in it for a while, hoping he was going the right way. After a few minutes, a glowing neon sign came into view up ahead.

“Bob’s Boba.” Dan grinned, breaking into a run. He flung the foggy glass door opened to find a nearly empty shop. A woman with blue hair stood at the counter, a few years younger than him, looking boredly at her phone. A pretentious-looking older man sat by the window, stroking his pointed beard and scratching away in a small leather notebook. Beside those two, they were alone.

“Um, excuse me?” Dan approached the woman at the counter. She looked up, snapping gum in her mouth, and raised an eyebrow, as if to say “what do you want?” Dan bit his lip and continued. “I was just wondering if you’d seen a tall guy come in here, about my height, with uh, black hair? Blue eyes? Pale skin?”

“Nah,” she mumbled through her gum. “I didn’t see no one lookin’ like that come through here.” She looked thoughtful for a moment, or as thoughtful as one could look while blowing bubbles with their gum. “Wait, actually. Black hair, right?” Dan nodded. “He left, like, twenty minutes ago, or somethin’. He was with a tallish guy and a shorter woman. Blonde, I think. They went that way.” She pointed out the window.

The man sitting in the corner looked up from his work. “I could’ve sworn they went thataway!” He gestured in the other direction.

The two argued for a few minutes while Dan used the Wifi to check for new tweets. Indeed, Phil had tweeted another gif, this time a bowtie tying itself. Again, he’d tagged the location, somewhere called “Pixel.” Dan loaded Google Maps, thanked the woman as she yelled, “No, you’re wrong, you bloody twit!” at the man, and hurried out the door.

Another ten minutes in the rain and he arrived at the store. It was a video game store that Dan made a mental note to return to. Again, he asked the cashier if he’d seen Phil. Again, the guy described the same group of people as the woman at Bob’s, and directed Dan in their direction. Again, Dan checked Phil’s tweets and found another gif. This one, however, was not tagged with the location. Dan sighed with defeat as he stepped out into the rain. Phil, wherever he was, was definitely not kidnapped, and was obviously avoiding Dan. Surely he’d gotten his hundred texts! Surely he knew!

Dan wandered dejectedly home. What was he even doing with his life? Twenty six whole years of what, chasing his friends who clearly didn’t want to be found? He sighed. Another birthday went wasted. Dan hated birthdays, but even he couldn’t help feeling the slightest bit annoyed with his friend. Deep down, he knew that he really didn’t hate the silly cakes and streamers and party hats. Deep down, he liked knowing that his friends cared, even if he didn’t like knowing he was a year older.

Dan was shivering by the time he reached his building. He rubbed his red nose, thinking about Phil on the elevator ride up.

Phil was the one person he knew he could depend on. Phil, who would bring him little gifts without any real reason. Phil, who had supported him for years. Phil, with his clear blue eyes and brilliant laugh that could light up any room. Phil, who, Dan realized, he desperately wanted to be with. He wanted to spend his birthday with Phil, he realized. He wanted to spend today with Phil, and tomorrow with Phil, and, he realized he sounded a bit like a strained fanfic writer, everyday with Phil. He couldn't erase those eyes, that smile, those eight years of companionship. And yet… he thought, as the doors opened to his floor, there was something missing. Some little piece of the puzzle that was Dan and Phil… gone. Had it ever been there? He trudged to the apartment door, dripping, sultry, and alone.

A sliver of light shone onto his feet from under the door. He must have left the hall light on. He pushed the key into the lock, leaned into the door, and…

“SURPRISE!” The light blinded him for a moment, and suddenly Dan realized he was facing his friends. There was PJ and Chris and Louise and Cat and Joe and Alfie and Casper and even Tyler Oakley in the back. And then, popping up right in front of him was Phil. His glowing face, his shining blue eyes, his dark hair falling in his eyes. And suddenly, Dan grabbed Phil into a huge hug. Phil, his Phil, had been planning all this for him! Phil leaned in Dan, even though he was getting wet from Dan’s jacket.

They both pulled away after a moment, realizing their hug had lasted a little long.

“Happy birthday, Dan!” Phil grabbed Dan’s hand. It was warm and reassuring. Dan was too busy grinning to speak.

“Thank you guys so much!” He finally said after a moment of standing there, awestruck. As his friends started to mingle and chatter, Phil explained that he, Louise and PJ had gone to Bob’s and Pixel to get presents, and to get Dan out of the house so they could set up for the party. It touched Dan that Phil had done all this for him.

   The party started to wind down a few hours later. Dan’s friends stood in small clumps, talking and eating slices of rich, velvety chocolate cake. (How Phil had known that Dan loved chocolate cake, Dan had no idea. Lucky guess, he assumed with a smile.)

Dan had wandered away from the friendly conversations and up to the second floor with the balcony that looked out over the city. The rain had stopped, but the scent still lingered in the night air. Dan sighed, staring up at the huge, glowing moon. A few small clouds scuttled across it, but otherwise, the night was clear. The stars formed criss-crossing constellations above, and the street lights did the same below. For once in his life, Dan felt truly happy. He hadn’t known this feeling in a long time. He wasn’t worrying about the future or wishing for the past. He was thinking about now. He was living in the moment, like Phil had to always remind him to do.

The door creaked open, and as if on cue, Phil slid onto the balcony beside him. Neither one of them said anything for a while, but instead, they stared out at London in silence, their shoulders touching.

“Beautiful night,” Phil finally remarked, breaking the silence.

“Kind of like you,” Dan blurted out before he could think. He blushed, looking away.

“Or you.” Dan looked back at Phil, surprised. He’d never really been the flirty type. They were flirting, weren’t they? Dan’s heart began to flutter without any reason to. He didn’t need to be nervous around Phil, right?

“Thanks so much for everything, Phil. I mean it. The party, the cake, everything,” Dan looked into those familiar blue eyes for a moment before he realized the were getting closer to him.

“How about this?” Phil’s voice softened as he leaned into Dan. They grew still for a moment, their lips almost touching. Then, as if he’d played out the moment many times in his head, Dan brought his lips onto Phil’s. It was so natural, their bodies intertwining together, their hearts beating as one. They finally pulled apart, smiling and blushing. Their fingers remained intertwined.

“I should probably go back inside,” Phil smiled up at Dan. “They’ll wonder where we are.”

“I’m going to stay out here for a moment,” Dan beamed back. Phil shut the door quietly behind him, leaving Dan to stare up at the sky. For some reason, his cheeks ached, and then he realized it was because he was grinning so hard. He brought his fingers up the his lips. He could still feel the pressure of Phil’s lips upon his own. The puzzle that was Dan and Phil was complete. He laughed out loud, knowing he was the only one who could hear it.

And that was how, on Dan’s twenty-sixth birthday, on the balcony on a flat in London, on a cool summer night, Dan suddenly realized-- he had loved his birthday.

[quitbeingbanished]

Changing my genre (Charlie x Jo)

Title: Changing my genre

Pairing: Charlie x Jo

Prompt: Songfic for #kimsbirthdaychallenge @ilostmyshoe-79

word count: 1215

warnings: AU where Jo is an edgy larp girl and Charlie is normally not into that, Larping, Charlie being awkward and adorable

song: Changing my Major from Fun Home OST

a/n: I had two other fic idea I tried to do with this but...this happened. this is my first wlw fic I’ve written since I came out as trans. I did have my lovely assistant @becomingmyinnerdemons help me make sure it wasn’t uncomfortable. As such pretty rated G and kinda fluffy.

tagging: @brewsthespirit-blog , @smallreferencepools​

Charlie totally loved LARP. She considered herself a bit of a larping queen actually. But she preferred high Fantasy, elves, dragons and magic. She felt comfortable in that setting. She could min-max her way to being the baddest bitch on the game floor. She read books like Harry Potter and the Hobbit. She liked fantasy, it was a happy place where the heroes always won—well, except for Song of Ice and Fire. It was an escape, a warm blanket of an escape. She liked fantasy. She had no interest in dark and gritty settings. Comics in the 90’s had been terrible. Batman was overrated.

She’d seen the source material a few times in her local game store. Books that were marked ADULT as if somehow playing vampires or werewolves were the mature thing to do. Charlie had plenty of adult encounters while in Middle-earth, thank you very much. But when there had been a flyer in her local gamer den for a new larp on the local college campus? Yeah, Charlie had decided to give it a go. Not because she was interested in this pretentious system but because her main game was in its offseason.

Sometimes a girl just needs a larp fix, regardless of the genre.

   She had sent an email to the contact on the flyer for the online group for the game. Roads Not Taken was a silly name for a campaign but Charlie had once been in a D&D game called Elf Quest so who was she to judge? She joined the topic for new players where the Story Teller--how weird was that to call your game master?-- that told her the system was just humans who got tapped with powers to fight monsters. It didn’t sound as goth as she had been expecting.

  Charlie was wowed by just how normal and geeky everyone had seemed. Just normal geeks who were planning on starting a larp about hunting monsters. One of the other players offered to help her build a character for the system. Charlie was fairly sure she could figure out how to build a character by herself but the offer game with the chance to actually know someone before hitting the game floor so she’d agreed.

  They had chatted privately for a couple days before agreeing on a time to meet up before the game to go over the basics. Charlie learned her real name was Jo. Charlie loved talking to her if she was honest. She learned Jo had an older taste in music. She worked with her mom at a bar not too far away. Jo had a wicked sense of humor. Jo also apparently was super well versed in the system. She had pdf copies of all the books for the system that she had emailed to Charlie through an encrypted server. It wasn’t the first time Charlie had gotten a crush on a girl across the internet but she was falling hard for her.

  Charlie felt comfortable enough to talk about her own life. How she worked in IT. What her favorite books and tv shows were and how much she really missed having a game that ran on a set schedule. How her Hogwarts house was Gryffindor and Hermione was her favorite character. 

  Jo said that was adorable. Charlie had screenshot that exchanges to her phone and stared at it sometimes feeling her face go red every time.

  Her favorite character from Harry Potter was Ron. She considered herself to by a Gryffindor as well but Pottermore had sorted her into Slytherin of all things. Jo talked about her collection of fantasy swords as well as just knives in general. She mentioned her favorite shows were a little more mystery than fantasy. She liked terrible B horror movies as well as good horror.

  Jo even made Hunter the Reckoning seem interesting and three dimensional. Jo made it a very human story. How people could just be going about their lives when suddenly the powers that be pulled back the curtain and revealed the monsters that existed in the world. Jo made the dark and gritty world of darkness even seem kind of cool.

  Charlie learned from talking with Jo on her skype that Jo was in at least 3 other larps in the city. Charlie got to learn all the drama of the intersecting Organizations of larps, two vampires and one werewolf. She got to hear some off-topic stories about how her friend Dean was constantly in some new crisis in a game because he couldn’t ignore or not take the bait for a plot. She heard about how the politics of one vampire game screwed up all her fun in the other one.

  Jo even asked for her facebook. Charlie had been hesitant to give it at first, it was full of some memes and her different cosplay pictures. But she gave it anyway. She liked Jo. Jo seemed like a good person. Jo was gorgeous. Her smile in her photos was infectious. Charlie found herself smiling every time she got a text or IM from Jo anyways but now she had a face to go with it.

    Through facebook, she also got to put other faces to names. Jo started a small group chat with some of the other players going to the hunter game to have a slight chance at building a group that sort of knew each other. Charlie found she liked most of them thought Sam and Dean seemed to be constantly getting each other off track. Adam normally only seemed to communicate with memes. Castiel was the assistant Storyteller for the game and seemed to be trying to keep Dean from getting too out there. Charlie was falling in love with Jo’s friends too.

  The only thing Charlie couldn’t seem to ask was whether Jo felt the same way about how they were getting along. They were talking all the time now. Once facebook had been exchanged then Instagram and twitter followed. Charlie wondered if she had a Tumblr but was afraid to ask, her Tumblr was overflowing with personal posts gushing about how much she liked Jo, it seemed a bad plan to open that door right now.

  So when are we meeting tomorrow? Charlie texted Jo.

  Want to catch coffee tomorrow before game? I want to see if the Unicorn thing is as bad as everyone says. Jo responded.

  It’s a date. Charlie had responded without thinking.

  Hope that means you’re paying ;) Jo had texted back.

  Charlie had to lay on the bed and remember how to breathe.

   Charlie totally hadn’t driven herself crazy with what to wear to meet Jo for the first time. She wasn’t sure if it was a date-date or just a ‘gals being pals’ event. That would have been insane to hyper stress about what to wear. She had stuffed her character clothes in her bag and showed up fifteen minutes early to the coffee shop and tried to calm her breathing.

  When Jo walked in with a t-shirt of Captain America’s shield colored in the bisexual flag Charlie was sure she’d died and gone to heaven.

  “Cute shirt.” Charlie has said waving Jo over.

  “thanks. I only save it for first dates with cute girls.” Jo had grinned.

[clothestop]

Hi, I'm not sure if this will be weird to ask but i've read that you have a math degree and knows how to code so i hope you can give me some advice regarding my career choice. If that's okay. Tbh i'm still not sure if i should take up computer science or pure mathematics. Math is my favorite subject in school and the more i study college-level theoretical math, the more i realize that i would want to do this professionally.

But i also considered computer science because i’m weighing the employability of both majors and i know that i could get a more stable job with comp sci. I’m so confused i’m sorry if my ask doesn’t make much sense but i have so many questions. May i ask what age did you start coding? And like my dilemma, i’m wondering why you went with pure mathematics and didn’t take up computer science. What put you off? Also, how did you start coding/ what made you start learning how to code? Did you take up comp sci classes? I’m a 17 yr old girl heading to university next fall but i just started learning how to code last year so i feel a bit left out. I’m really enjoying it so far but thinking of a possible career with it, i’m also scared as a woc in that kind of field. This may sound silly but like what the tumblr saying goes: i don’t want to be a sell out while i work for something i love. Lastly, i know that even if i’m still a beginner and there are a lot more things that i could learn in university. But in the meantime to prepare for that, what advice can you give to someone like me who is a beginner (words of encouragement, pros and cons, skills to develop etc etc)? Btw i’ve read that you lived in Southeast asian countries and i’m from SE asia currently living in the US so i relate to what i’ve been reading in your blog. Thank you for reading and sorry for

Hello there! No worries, I didn’t think that your ask is weird. And ofc, I’m more than glad to give you my advice :)

Well, I started with basic coding at around 12 or 11, eventually studied it extensively and moved to more complicated programming languages when I was 15 or 16—but I was already in uni during that time (uhm, yes I was younger than most of my peers). I play games a lot, and when I was younger, I dreamt of developing my own video game or website. And as a kid, you wouldn’t be surprised that I even thought of using my knowledge of coding with making cool stuffs™ like robots haha. To be honest, I wasn’t “put off” of taking up Computer Science; it’s just that my head had always been gravitating towards Pure Mathematics ever since. However, I admit that I did fancy taking up that degree because I was opting for another major that would *complement* my Pure Mathematics track, since my mum initially wanted me to have a degree that is “lucrative” to her standards. Basically, even if I didn’t end up pursuing Computer Science, we met at a compromise with me double majoring in Pure Mathematics and an applied maths major which relies on heavy programming as well. Despite being good at maths in school, programming was unarguably one of the most difficult things that I’ve studied. Not to mention that at the beginning, I was self-taught. After uni, I became more serious with my self-study, and even took up few short courses in Computer Sciences just because I’m really interested with it. Never considered to pursue it professionally, though.

If you look at the macro statistics of how students perform in different subjects, Singapore, Hong Kong, South Korea, Taiwan, Japan and China (particularly Shanghai) has always ranked really high in maths and sciences. Yet, until recently, most of the technological breakthroughs are happening in the West.. Or perhaps, most technological advancements that happened in Asia (mind you, not only in East Asian and Southeast Asian countries) weren’t relatively discussed and/or recognized in a global scale during the past few years. Furthermore, living in Caucasian-dominated countries, I know that minorities would always have to go through the eye of a needle to have our voices heard and our efforts recognized and properly credited; otherwise the achievements we had produced would never see the light of day, or worse, People in the Position of Power™ would take credit for what we worked hard for. (Disclaimer: I don’t live in the US)

Additionally, two years ago, reports disclosed by large tech companies like Google and Facebook show that females make up less than 20% of technical employees. Unfortunately this figure drops to single digits for the larger tech community. But you shouldn’t be fazed with these facts. Yes, this is a sad reality but we can do something to change the system. At present, females working in most industries (not just in tech companies. Believe me *sighs*) should work twice as hard as a man to get to the same place, and it was made into a norm that we should just be prepared to do that. Thus, at least eventually in the tech sector, the more girls who learn how to code, the less unequal it would get. If you think about it, apps and websites like Instagram and Facebook (and uh well, Tumblr) have a wide female user base. And I truly believe that women need to be part of the voice in creating this technology to serve the users more effectively.

Yes I’m Southeast Asian as well currently living in a Caucasian-dominated country (again, not the US). But I lived in different Asian countries, so I also understand how tech startups in these regions lament the lack of local talent. Universities produce graduates who are well-versed in computer science, yet the latter go after paths that only require an understanding of programming languages suited for banking and finance. Conversely, startups use something much different and more modern—something that tech companies want to see more of. Moreover, a few years ago, tech giants like Microsoft, Facebook, and SAP appealed to the European Union education ministers to tackle skills gap in information and communications technology, saying that an estimated 900,000 jobs in Europe would be left unfilled by 2020 if not addressed. The UK has since implemented computing into the national curriculum. Again, Tumblr Politics™ could make an asinine analogy of this to Destroy Capitalism™, but the reality dictates that we need this to achieve growth in the foreseeable future. (Another disclaimer: I’m very much against classism and capitalism, but I can be level-headed as well to understand the global economic and political atmosphere that we live in. Less whining, more tangible actions to abolish these systems.)

Correct me if I’m wrong (this could easily be googled), but from what I’ve read, the average salary for a good fresh graduate programmer in the Silicon Valley is around 100,000 USD. So you can verify that this is indeed an in-demand job. But I definitely agree with your outlook as well. I quit my last job despite the high pay, advantageous position, connections and opportunities in the corporate ladder™ because I lost my passion and felt like I no longer learn something of value from it. I felt like I was just a small cog of a devious capitalistic machine, operating at an auto-pilot, and can never make an actual difference to society (contrary, I felt like I was actually working against it D:). BUT! Please. Please. Please. Never fully absorb everything you read in this hellsite as a clear reflection of how the world works. Always take everything you read with a grain of salt, because despite of the positive things we could see and the amazing people we could meet here, Tumblr is a very, very problematique™ place to take inspiration from. Of course I’m not generalizing, but sadly, some people here (despite their charisma and very persuasive convictions) proclaim revolutionary™ ideologies that only promote hateful agendas. Thus, even though I would always believe that money should never supersede passion, I also understand that the system is working against us and that it wouldn’t be as easy as we imagine it to be. So, I always seek to find balance in every decision that I make. It would also help to have a concrete plan of how you would like to see yourself in a few years (I know it sounds cliché, but I promise it’ll help), and to choose to work for a company that you know would create progressive measures to aid society as a whole, and would promote sustainable growth for the planet and the human race. Sorry if that sounds so cheesy and pretentious, but I mean it. I would like to think that that wouldn’t make us corporate sellouts™, rather, we are dreamers trying to survive and thrive in this very demanding society. [Hmm. To be honest I think corporate sellouts are the ones who exploit the society, and trample over others just to achieve their goals. Soulless creatures, I tellss ya. But yeah, maybe tumblr SJW vocabulary made another revolutionary™ breakthrough.]

That said, I know that you are already in the right track. And even though you seem to be in a dilemma, I could see that you’re geared towards computer science already :) Both maths and programming are your passions, and I’m glad that you discovered that at an early age. Don’t be afraid to take the leap. And if later on you realize that perhaps the degree you pursued wasn’t where your heart is, I can only assure you that you are not the first and last person who would feel this way—and that’s perfectly okay. Lots of people end up in jobs that are radically different from what they took up in uni, and they excel and feel really satisfied in those fields. And there are others who eventually go back to school to fulfill the academic approach that they had missed. Whatever happens, don’t be afraid to troubleshoot and start again. Don’t think that you had a late start on coding. I’m in my late 20s and I know that I still have a lot more to learn—not just with programming—and that really excites me. Remember, formal education isn’t the only place where we could learn and harness our skills. We’re so lucky to have lived in this digital age where everything could be presented to us with just a click or a tap of a button, so we should take advantage of that.

My last advice to you is to master BOTH the technical and creative skills needed in this science, both of which are essential to be a good programmer—bridging the technical side of coding with the creativity to solve problems. I know I still have a long way to go, but somehow, I think I could consider myself as someone who already has a good foundation and an in-depth knowledge of programming. This skill is something that does not only aid me in my career, but it also helps me with problem solving and thinking about issues structurally. With coding, I can solve problems and think of multiple solutions for the same problem, and can see the pros and cons for each solution. Further, I’m able to challenge my own assumptions in all of these solutions. However, like I’ve said, I don’t think that programming is something that I could do professionally. Despite excelling in the technical side of it, I believe that in this industry, the creative ability of a programmer is the one that is highly sought after. I totally concur that one should never underestimate how HARD programming is, and I guess that’s the beauty and challenge of this discipline. I know that I have the dedication and patience for this skill, but even if I master the complexities and technical skills needed in programming, admittedly, I still lack the creative elegance that I see in a professional programmer. But I hope that you could find the equilibrium in these factors and excel on them.

It will never be my intention to discourage you, on the contrary, I hope that with these information, you could objectively weigh the reality of the field that you would get yourself into. Which is why I’m glad that you did your research because it shows how serious and passionate you are to take time in educating yourself with these details. More importantly, I hope that you could talk to someone you look up to and trust in real life, because choosing a career is a serious life-changing decision. But feel free to DM me if you want to add or discuss something else :)

Thank you for your question, gotshineboc. I really hope that this could help you out. Very best of luck!

[enlightenedrobot]

Thinking points

I think I’m going to come out and say it... I’m a tad bit depressed right now. 

I’m coping with it pretty well, and this isn’t some desperate cry for help. I’ve been depressed before and I came out of that okay. It’s just that... I don’t know, I feel like some things need to be expressed.

I have no interest in going into specifics, at least in this particular post, but I will mention that a lot of it has to do with the fact that I’m a senior in college. A lot of things have been changing. 

I’d also like to note that any previous drama you might have seen recently out of me is because of the depression thing, not the other way around. People who go through my stuff will know what I’m talking about.

At the very least, theres a few talking points of a less tangiblle nature I think I’d like to get off my chest. Things about the way I think I why I do the things I do. Usually, you’re not supposed to say  these things, because Good Art™ doesn’t loudly proclaim it’s intentions... but screw that. I’m depressed, and I want to talk about it. This isn’t an art piece for a museum... it’s not even an editiorial or anything like that. It’s a stream of thought long post that’s mainly for my own benefit. Maybe you guys relate. Maybe I’m a pretentious jerkwad. Who knows.

First off, I’d like to mention that there is a lot of common intent behind every thing I do and everything I make public. 

From a critical standpoint, authorial intent doesn’t matter... what matters is the work’s relationship with the observer. And honestly, I’m inclined to agree. I invoke Death of the Author pretty frequently, and I encourage others to do the same. Any my stuff shouldn’t be excluded... maybe someone find’s something in my stuff that I didn’t intend. That’s great.

But that shouldn’t mean that my thoughts are a null point, or that I myself can’t be self critical of my own work. I’m not saying I should do this, or that it’s particularly professional of me to do so, but hey, I’m a human being subject to my own inner demons. 

I suppose what I’m getting at is that I’m a tad bit thin-skinned. I seriously encourage critisism on my posts, and ike 90% of the critisism I get is justified... I’ve reblogged arguments against things I’ve said without comment, mostly because I don’t know what else to say. 

But sometimes I get a lot of vitriol for getting something wrong, or seemingly wrong in some cases. Just, for the record, Snap-rap is an actual thing, I’m aware that Phill Lamar has voiced half my childhood, and no, I wasn’t aware that Queen performance of “We are the champions” actually does end with the line “of the world”, though I am aware now.

I’d like to point out that I don’t have the authority to speak on most things. I’m a guy on tumblr. Surprise, surprise, I write stuff to entertain people, not to make some big point about real things. The only times I ever feel genuinely justified in making some kind of point is when I talk about race, because, hey, I’m a guy with brown skin trying to get a career in a predominanty white field. But even in those cases, I try to speak from a personal point of view, as opposed to a universal one.

And see, one of the things that bugs me about a lot of this are the implications that I’m not allowed to speak about certain subjects. I can’t analyze pop culture because pop culture is meant to be silly and superficial, I can’t defend something because said thing is problematic, and I can’t critisize certain world views because they still oppose something far worse. 

I never claimed to be the end all be all authority on things. I want people to disagree with me, and I want to have interesting multi-faceted conversations with people. But that doesn’t mean I want my own thoughts dismissed entirely.

The other big implication a lot of this has is that a person can only ever be a single thing. There’s no such thing as a stupid intellectual, an enlightened romantic, or a pop artist. Cognitive dissonance is a myth. People can never carry more than one viewpoint at a time.

I write about pop culture because I think pop culture is worth writing about. There’s a beauty to the trivial that I think a lot of people miss. Whether its a good thing or not, we live in a capitalist world engulfed in logos, advertising, and terrible sitcoms. I grew up wanting to become like Walt Disney and Steve Jobs... and honestly, that’s still who I aspire to be. But maybe not in a literal sense. I don’t particularly care about some of the actions performed by these people in real life, but their legacy’s carry a weight to them not even the real versions of these people could ever live up to. 

This is the mythology of the modern day; a pure distilled version of an ideal world. And though the real world is rife with actual, tangible problems, it’s only through the pursuit of this dream that we as a culture can better ourselves. 

This kind of pop cultural beauty is something I’ve tried to capture in my music. There’s a reason why I sample cartoon sountracks and top 20 hits. These so called “low” forms of art genuinely speak to people. 

I designed a specific part of my Magical Boy mashup to evoke a certain emotion. It’s kind of sad and lonely, but it’s also kind of magical and uplifting. There’s childish vocal chops, reverbed piano, and an arpegiated music box.

The samples came from Hermione Granger in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, the modern classical piece River Flows in You by Yiruma... and this:

Hateful Love by Little Big... a gabber infuenced parody of glittery bubblegum pop, with lyrics primarily consisting of the lines “I hope you die/ Please die right now” and synths that wouldn’t be out of place in a David Guetta or Calvin Harris song. It’s a song that’s intentionally stupid and mean spirited... and yet there’s still something to the sample, isn’t there. Listening to it makes me want to simultaneously laugh and cry at the same time... though I doubt that was Little Big’s actual intent.

So yeah... that’s me I guess. 

Anyways, I’m doing fine. I make it all sound super serious, I know, but at the very least I’m coping with it well enough. Thanks