#I know im lucky in a lot of ways
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This one powdered detergent smells so fucking good but my building said āonly liquid in the machinesā and if I use it hand washing my stuff is sometimes stiff afterwards. It smells so fucking good though š« and lasts way longer than the liquid stuff š but they have cameras outside the laundry room (and I know they use them because sometimes they will put a note by your door if you forget a rule) so I canāt get away with using it in the machines. The shirt I put on today was washed a few months ago when I was still using it and it smells so good š« I am sad
#emma posts#is it a bit unnerving to have cameras in the hallways? yes#but there arenāt any in the actual apartments and with the money i have it was either this place#a place without full sized kitchen appliances#and a place that was cheap but was known for its bedbug problems#so I picked the nicest one I could get. obviously#out of the options I had im picking the best I can get for myself#and this place is actually fairly nice#they get money from the state and county for housing poor and disabled people so thatās who they want#im really lucky that there was a place like that here#so im not risking eviction if I can help it#itās a weird kind of stress to be living somewhere you wonāt stress over living in but will stress over loosing#itās like āwow. I found somewhere actually kinda nice that will take me. i canāt loose it oh my godā#and the property owners seem a bit more out of touch than the building managers but itās this. no oven. or bedbugs#so itās obvious which im hoping works out for quite awhile#renting always feels impermanent though#im actually lucky that if I donāt have a place I can live with my family#but I canāt keep all my stuff if I do and i donāt want to buy/find new furniture again#I know im lucky in a lot of ways#but that can run out and I know it#I canāt drive so I need to live in town but towns are always more expensive#unless you include the price of running a farm or something#that gets into harder to quantify territory#like. equipment and parts and fuel and seeds and fertilizer etc#expensive. BUT you are spending it on a thing that is how you get money#so you just hope that things donāt become more expensive than you get#or that you donāt have shitty harvests#and itās not like itās easy to sell a house out there#Iāll stop getting into family farm stuff#our dad tried to encourage us to leave it actually š
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Hi! Whose your fav in twisted wonderland? Or if you dont have any what characters to you use the most?
(Pssst by the way can you drop your friend code š„ŗš„ŗš„ŗ)
Most of the characters are likable assholes so I don't really have a fav lol If judging solely on design, Ortho's and Leona's outfits are usually great
Dorm Riddle was my first card and I have no regrets, he hits like a truck and is still my most used card

My Player Name is Quess!
#twst#twisted wonderland#riddle rosehearts#leona kingscholar#azul ashengrotto#despite drawing him a lot malleus is not my fav lol hes very funny and fun to draw tho#dorm riddle and rollo are the only cards i pulled for dupes#usually the units the game hands out at the beginning fall off quick in gachas but riddle is the queen#before leona i wouldve said halloween silver cause i got lucky and got 2 of him in the same pull plus double fire plus healing#but i just have more leona cards that are versatile and his dorm is also amazing#azul is such a guy i want to put him into situations bless the author for drawing him like that in the manga iykyk#but yeah he's 100% there for riddle#tbh i dont know why i rolled for rollo this hard but i did and he truly has the powers of god and anime on his side#im noticing i have way too many fire units lol#i just realized i placed leona in the number 2 spot lmao F#lil' doots
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hello! how do you find consistent friends in fandom? as in, how do you find people who stick with you through different fandoms and listen and read your work. also, how long have you been writing for and how long did it take you to get so good at writing and character analysis.... your work is such an inspiration to me, genuinely one of my top 3 authors across ao3. i hope the writing goes well!
hey! this is really sweet, thank you very much for your lovely kind words. š
re: friendship: i don't mean to be a downer about this so i hope it doesn't come across this way, but i do think the concept of friends where you follow each other through all your fandoms and continue to read each other's work etc kind of... either doesn't exist or is just a rare phenomenon and not a 'type' of friend per se more than it is something that just happens out of luck. i am lucky enough to have friendships which have persisted through all of us changing fandoms, but the reason those friendships last is actually because we found connections that went beyond common interests. i think sharing a fandom/interest is great as an initial point of connection and a way to meet, but for a relationship to last, you need to have a deeper bond than both being into the same thing--so contrary to what you've asked about (oops sorry) those friendships im speaking of only last because we didn't follow each other into different fandoms, really. we didn't have to. along the same vein, i'd respectfully argue that it wouldn't be productive or fair of me to group 'reading my work' in as an element of friendship, so to speak--i definitely don't expect my friends to read my fic and vice versa, we all understand that we can support each other in our creative pursuits and lives in general / in the abstract without needing to be a fan of the same things or even necessarily being fans of each other's work (although of course it's always nice). i know this doesn't really answer your specific question but i hope it doesn't come across as pessimistic as it might sound. i truly and genuinely believe it's a positive thing that the idealised friendgroup traipsing through fandoms together doesn't really exist (or if it does exist, it's luck and not something to shoot for in itself), because this just tells me to look out for these great opportunities to form bonds that last beyond superficial interests.
in terms of how to make those friendships to begin with, im honestly even less help. my friendships kind of just happened to me. im actually quite terrible at reaching out to people and i am notoriously difficult to reach myself hahaha so honestly all the credit for my friendships goes to my friends for being patient and sticking with me despite that. i am honestly just very lucky in that i've been able to talk out loud into the void and have had wonderful people reach out to me because of it, but that's hardly a reliable strategy... i guess i'd encourage you to be more like my friends, who are the anime protagonists wielding the power of friendship to my prickly antagonist, or whatever. oh another thing to remember i guess is that some friendships just don't last this way and will stay within fandoms and may peter out, and that's ok. i don't consider those relationships less real or valuable for being less lasting.
re: writing: i want to caveat that i don't think i'm fairly able to say (or comfortable saying) that i'm particularly good at writing or character analysis, certainly not to an extent that i'd be willing to hold myself up as an example of it, but i really appreciate that you feel that way about my work and am incredibly honoured to be considered an inspiration in any capacity!!
with that disclaimer made, i'll do my best to answer for whatever it's worth. i've liked writing ever since i was a very little kid, but i will credit any actual progress i've made in developing the skill to writing fanfic because i think that being able to focus on building character and logical flow in plot progression over other things like creating characters, worldbuilding, inventing plots wholesale, etc--which has allowed me to sort of expedite those skills in particular and which i think are helpful in writing more broadly. (this also answers the 'character analysis' part specifically--when you don't have to/get to invent a character, you have to spend more time taking them apart.) anyway, i started writing fic about twelve or thirteen years ago, and there have been periods within that where i've progressed faster or slower depending what's going on in my life haha. i do think time played a massive role in any skill developments i've made, but i also know people take less time or more time to make similar progress (caveat again: progression is subjective, this is very approximate), so i think the other key ingredient besides time is engagement. if it's helpful, i went into that a little bit more here, but as stated i have a lot more to learn and would never present myself as an expert lol
#asks#sorry god i dont know if this is remotely helpful. probably not.#i dont know how to express in a measured way that im possibly the worst and least helpful person to ask about friendship#im very 'tch... friends... what the hell is up with that shit...' and then my beloved friends go 'ok dude' and care abt me anyway#so. i am sorry. im very little help on this front. ive learned a lot about 'friendship' in the abstract FROM my friends but#very little about how to MAKE friends like on purpose because my friends just kind of happened to me. because im lucky?#but i will say the perspective ive gained on friendship and what one can realistically expect from it has been very valuable#and has led me to value my friendships even more#anyway... tch... friendship... what the hell is up with that sh#rookthots#hi my friends reading this i love you
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ah 2024, the year of obey me and changing my art style every month as i please
#my art#2024 art summary#ok my tags are my safe space so ill be a bit sappy for a sec#im bad at words but genuinely thank you so much for your support <333 youre all way too nice to me and i WILL cry that is a threat#im just very happy and very lucky and wah im gonna go overthink the path that led me here#anyone that has ever told me my art has made them feel a thing has forever touched me in ways you'll never know#its a big reason that despite the way a lot of things in my life feel kinda stacked against me doing art i keep doing it anyway#excited for 2025 cause i have a lot planned and i cant wait for yall to see :>
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....and if I said I wanted Johnny and Kerry in the messiest divorce arc since Paul McCartney and John Lennon.. what then...
#SORRY i was listening to how do u sleep by lennon and i may not like that guy BUT my GOD#he knows how to write a break up song huh....#and im not even personally into bandom like that BUT FR WAS SOMETHING GOING ON THERE BC YALL#no reason to drag out the messiest breakup of the last century like this.....#like i want these two throwing shots at each other in interviews and i want them writing whole rock ballads of a diss track#i want them being petty as fuck towards each other in the public eye post samurai when theyre pissed off at each other#then acting all buddy buddy when on stage chemistry just absolutely oozing between each other#and then off stage want them at each others throats letting their resentments known the minute their off stage#i want it to be a whole will they wont they on off messy ass situationship the tabloids can barely keep up with#as they watch that slow break in real time the degradation of their relationship all the way up until the op....#IM SORRY I DONT WANT THEM TO SUFFER but... its just how they're wired its not MY fault#(i want u to guess whos who...)#(THERES PARALLELS TOO OKAY especially since lennon was considered the more popular beatle that#and how do u sleep is typically regarded as the better track#and lennon in the song devalues the FUCK out of the contributions McCartney made to the band#like how kerry felt sidelined/overshadowed by johnny. like how i KNOW johnny was constantly devaluing his and everybody else's contributions#due to 'not fitting the vision' or some shit like that he'd use to justify it#(LENNON ALSO CALLS HIM PRETTY LMFAO while aslo using it as a way to talk down on him SO IM JUST SAYING))#((also in too many people (mccartneys response) has lyrics like 'you took your lucky break and broke it into two what can be done for you'#and I KNOW SAMURAI DIDNT NECESSARILY BREAK UP BC OF THEM AND THERE WAS A LOT OF FACTORS#BUT U CANT TELL ME KERRY AND JOHNNY'S RELATIONSHIP DIDNT INFLUENCE IT TOO))#(((GOD LISTEN I HAVE A VISION AND IM SEEING IT OKAY#idk if their break up was on the levels of breaking pop culture news like the beatles nor can i b sure to compare samurai to the beatles#...but you know who tf would? YOU KNOW WHO WOULD THINK HES LIKE FUCKING LENNON? HAD A BIG FUCKING HEAD LIKE LENNON??? IM JUST SAYING)))#((((please ignore all the typos and grammatical errors man i KNOW I USED THE WRONG THEYRE but its 3 am and ive had like#its 3 am when im typing this and also running on like three hours of sleep in the last 24 hours š))))#silverdyne#johnny silverhand#kerry eurodyne#ult speaking
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but what if she was a superhero-ish guy. what then. what would you do then
#fun fact! this was gonna be a magical girl squiddo#but then i got really caught up in the whole ādirty scruffy vigilante with lots of explosives who annoys all the fancy hero peopleā#aesthetic. but i also have some stuff#like the bows and the wing cloak that read as magical girl#and im gonna use pastel colors and cheerful colors to make it seem like she WAS initially#a really traditional happy-go-lucky magical girl who over time had to do things her own way instead of just flashy magical blasts#and so she started making bombs and became more of an underground hero of the people who donāt have a voice#but she still has that bright optimistic magical girl outlook where she knows that the *magic of Friendship* actually has power#and sheās not optimistic in spite of a darker setting#sheās optimistic *because* of it. sheās a magical girl of the alleys and the dirty towns and the messy fights#in short sheās a magical girl whoās more hands-on#more optimistic in a realistic way#like a person who might dress up as a magical girl to save the day but doesnāt have magical powers but saves the day anyway#and she HAS magical powers#mind you#but theyāre chaotic and messy and she canāt control them for the sort of picture-perfect showiness of most superheroās powers#so she learns to use them to AID her fighting#not the sole weapon she uses#and as a result sheād be much stronger than most if her powers were blocked#because she knows how to fight on her own merits too#tl;dr squiddo is a magical girl who will beat you up with no hesitation and also has bombs. lots of bombs.#squiddo#daily squiddo#the real squiddo#mcyt#uhhh#superhero au#magical girl au#????
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im gonna say something corny but... the profound effect that living in a women-only house had on me was and is insane. it was (almost) completely by chance that only women ended up living there, but i think moving in with my housemates was possibly the best decision i've ever made. i genuinely wish i could describe that kind of love and community, but i don't have the vocabulary. all that i know is that it's such a privilege to have gotten to live in that house and to love those women and to get to keep loving them. they're my most precious friends and i owe that feeling of safety and community to them. there was just something very special about that house. i was very lucky, i think. i don't think people get to love like this every day.
#im having a lot of big feelings tonight#and i miss my friends#and my house and the way it felt to live there#and come home to them#i want to grip the world in my hand and tell them how lucky i am#and i KNOW this is corny#but y'all... i hit the fucking jackpot with them i really did#and i WISH i had the words to articulate it#if i ever write one beautiful thing.. please let it be about them#vent
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Yes, you may retire, but I will not reveal my identity just yet.
Itās hard to comprehend just how long Iāve known you. Five is such a small number. Your hand could count to it so easily, but years stretch out the quantity of such a digit. And in every one of those days ever since I met you, I donāt regret the passing that led us to this relationship.
I enjoy the moments when you return to tumblr for a checkup or a hello, but you have a life to live in the real world. You are someone I look back to within the five years with a smile, knowing I that I had the chance to befriend such a lovely person.
Iām sure all the many friends youāve made on this site agree.
I, as dottore mod and your mutual, wish you greatness in the future when the distance of the internet separate us. May the joy and happiness you provided me be reciprocated to you in the future by a tenfold.
Iāll give you many hugs in return. Thank you for being who you are and giving me laughter when the air around me filled and emptied my lungs in dull cyclesāthey, too, thank you for that change of laughter once in a while.
Ah, I seemed to have gone on a slight tangent. Perhaps, sappy cal brings out the sappy mod in me. All I wanted to say is to live your life to the fullest because it is what you deserve for all the positive moments youāve brought to people. <3
~ dottore mod.
no wait there r actually tears in my eyes oh my gkfofnfjjf
#š„¹š„¹ā¦ā¦ MODDDD!!!!#WAIT#ā¦.AUGHHFJDDJB ;; im#im cryingnjgngjfj#augh this is so sweet mod i was NOT EXPECTINGBFJF#you have a way with words. makes me cry :ā)#i wish i cld express myself better w my words!! ive changed a lot these past few months#but expressing myself continues to be a struggle i guess hehe#but but but i hope its clear that i cherish you very much mod#you and lock r pretty much the highlights of my entire tumblr experience š„¹#been through many phases on tumblr and met so mamy diff kind of people but like#u and lock r those kind of people that i just Know i cld always come back to and feel like im at Home#WAIT IK ACTUALU CRYING I CAN FEEL THE SINGULAR TEAR DRIPPING HAHAJSJX#BUT y yeahš„ŗ im so honored to be perceived in such a joyous way by u <3#my biggest fear is to be forgotten . and i think that since i have u and lock . that fear wont easily come true š¤#yk one of my friends said to me that im a person who smiles a lot FHDJDJD and that i shld protect it no matter what happens#i still have doubts worries anxieties but i crave nothing more than to be remembered as the person who infects others w her joy#makes life so much more brighter and worth living for š«¶#AHHHH I YAPPED SM FJFJFJFK IM JUST IN MY FEELS RN#CRYING TEARS OF JOYY ToT#i js appreciate the people who stayed for this long sm ;; <3#hfjdbdjfdjdj#i wldnt be this happy go lucky person if it wasnt for u guys !!#i beat around the bush a lot and often get through everythung with jokes and humor#but in this case i want to say that u guys r so so loved and cherished by me hfjdhdj ššš¤
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#feeling so silly lawwlll walking in circles#i thnk im feeling a special type of way ..#i know i keep going on ab the samw bs and how crazy gf YEAAH UEAH WE GET IT#but i thnk in doing so im like revisiting parts of myself and writing more and i think im jst being sentimental#sooo sentimental .. so saccharine ..#everyone has been rly nice ab my art LIKE SOOOOO NICE RECENTLY#and imean people always have like im very lucky and grateful 2 be able to feel like i can share my hobby .. ^__^#but i thjnk like . to take smth that is so representational of my like . art goals and wants from a young age#ouuyyyyuuuuuyyfff T__T ooiujjjjjj#I DONT KNWWW i dont know . i dont know what im saying but i feel like i just need 2 talk abd be like hey this is so reaffirming .needs 2#i think like . bc my life turned out soo different than i imagined ive been dealing w like . a lot of hopelessness and feeling soo stuck and#stagnant and idk bad things and in a way i think like . coming back 2 something years later and being able to see progress in such a physica#physical way and to feel like more at ease and more like myself than i ever have is rly crazy and making me think long and hard abt stuff#and its all of these like . reflections im dealing w that r then padded by like some of the nicest comments and tags itslike#head in my hands /pos . grief but like ij a way happy grief#INFEEL SOOO RIDICULOUS its ridiculous it rly is IHAHAHAHAHAHA#i think its bc im turning 25 soon and thats the age i told myself id never live past iykwim which ks like crazy to drop on tmblrdotcom#but there r so many emotions tied 2 that and i think this is just one of the things^ stupid fanart ^ that makes me rly happy idk#do you know what i mean . like i feel so goofy saying it but its genuinely the connection i rly appreciate and means a lot 2 me#i feel like my āthank yous/i appreciate it/ means a lotā grow tired but its soo fr every time i swear#kicking rocks or watever . i wish i cld extend my gratitude but anyways . thanks 4 reading this far if u have#ughg man and i think of the friends ive made thru this blog specifically nd my eyes r burning#sorp.. guys i love u all thank u.
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Maybe I'm Suffering from Success but the gatcha portion of Limbus feels really easy?? I've not played many gatcha games but it usually takes a long time in those to save up for pulls- however LC practically gives em out for free!! Not only that but I get new characters so so easily here it's pretty much at least two '00' characters per 10 extraction
So anyways I have so many new identities that I do not have the resources to build and I have no clue which ones are any good
#i think its says a lot that im still new to the game (only 4 '000' identities)#but i keep getting new identities with no clue how to build teams!! is limbus usually this generous with pulls or am i just lucky?#so yeah anyways are w corp teams any good i have a lot of them now#limbus company#limbus#pjmoon#project moon#oh also if any Good Gamers know a faster and easier way to get thread and exp that would be great lmao
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waded through the wreckage of a house š shits fucked!
#it was a house my parents own and rent out and they sent me to help the tennant#cus shes an old lady and uh. her house has a tree on it.#so that was fun and exciting.#that house is.... totaled.#like SHIT dude.#but now im home again š#not that there's a lot to DO at home. so many downed trees and power lines#they're talking about some areas here not getting pretty for up to 3 weeks#im lucky enough i love in the middle of a big city so I'll probably be the one of the first to get power back#either me or the sister closest to me will get it first out of my siblings for sure#since we both live here#the others live in outer cities and towns so they'll probably get theirs back after us#and the sister i don't like has apparently been radio silent since 4am#which isnt. good.#but ill let my parents handle contacting her#I've done my good deed for the day and i went driving with tte crazies already#no stop lights btw!!! every stoplight is out!!!#and most everyone apparently has never fucking seen one cus these people have no clue how to fucking drive#when a stoplight is out!!!#(it's treated like a 4 way stop sign btw. as in right of way goes to whoever got there first OR the person to the left)#(not that any of yhese assholes know that. jesus fuck)#shh ac#hurricane helene
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Just wanted to plant an idea if you wanted a bit of fuel: Mahiru asking Yuno to come to her cell before everything goes down.
Edit: I forgot the ask didn't say it but this is part of Kyanako's incredible Order Of Attack AU!
Didn't mean for this to become a mini Mappi study but here we are ⨠Thank you for the request! I fully intended to write them hanging out, but it's more right before they hang out lol. Went a bit on-the-nose with foreshadowing, but isn't that the fun part? It has become Emotional Over Mahiru Hour...
I kept things vague, but TW for mentioning her boyfriend's state of potential self-harm
Mahiru tried not to act superstitious, she really did. As much as she loved the idea of little luck charms, or avoided easy signs of misfortune, it was easier to keep quiet about such ridiculous things.
Maybe catching a brideās bouquet meant no guarantees; maybe there was no real harm in stepping underneath ladders, maybe a coin tossed into a fountain had no real magic to its wish. However, the one thing she knew for sure held power was a lucky presence. Being in the right place at the right time could alter everything. And today was the right time for something. There was this waiting in the air. The prison had been holding its breath. Mahiru knew it was time to release it all.
āYou must be so lonely, why donāt you let big sis Mahiru keep you company?ā She beamed at Amane.
She often recalled the good fortune that she and a certain young man had crossed paths on the university terrace. She used to laugh with him about the wonderful coincidence of bumping into each other outside of the bakery, then the convenience store.Ā
Though sheād never spoken about it to him, she was also grateful for many occasions where she walked in on him at the precise moment to talk him out of something reckless. She always told him that theyād do everything together. He didnāt need to be alone anymore.Ā
āI wish to be alone. I need peace of mind to think.ā Amane turned away from the cell door.
It was a good thing, too. Mahiruās smile wasnāt as convincing as she said, āo-oh. Of course.ā
She made her way around the panopticon, hearing Fuuta pace his cell in anticipation. He must have felt it too, this holding of breath.Ā
Or perhaps not. He turned down her offer for a bit of company, including a few more colorful words than Amane had. Mahiru just apologized for bothering him and headed back to her cell. She wasnāt sure where Mikoto was at this hour, but she didnāt feel like smiling through a third rejection.
She shook her head back and forth. She wished the motion could rattle the voices inside, she wished she could shake them all away. With her arms secured in place she could no longer cover her ears. She used to hum to keep them at bay, but lately theyād been too loud to stifle. They just kept on talking.
Their words told her the two were right. Nobody needed her company. No ā nobody wanted it. Being together hadnāt helped her boyfriend. In fact, being together had been the very thing that got him killed. No wonder Amane and Fuuta wanted to avoid her.Ā
So then, this was for the best. She would rather deal with the brief sting of refusal than stumble in one day to find them hurt⦠or worse. As much as she tried to avoid the superstition of it all, the voices reminded her that her very presence could mean life or death.Ā
āMappi, are you alright?ā Mahiru hadnāt realized a tear had slipped down her cheek until she hurried to swipe it away in front of Yuno.Ā
āHah, Iām fine! Just fine.ā It was impossible to fool her, Mahiru had learned, but that never stopped her from trying.Ā
At least she always spoke tactfully. āRough morning?ā
Mahiru shifted her arms in her uniform, making a small sound of agreement.
āCan I do anything to help? What if I stay with you for a bit? I can do your hair, andā¦ā
The voices were right. Amane and Fuuta knew it, too. Presences did hold power, and Mahiruās was cursed.
But she would sound foolish admitting such a fear to Yuno. She'd heard plenty from the voices about how stupid and airheaded she was, there was no use in getting the same lecture from someone as grounded as her.
Mahiru managed a weak protest, unable to explain her real reasoning.Ā Yuno was insistent. She didnāt give much of a choice. Could she feel the strangeness of the prison, as well?Ā
At last, Mahiru allowed her shoulders to sag. Yuno was lucky. And kind. Having her nearby would do her good. Amane and Fuuta would be alright. Mahiru had tried spending more time with them after verdicts were announced. Now, she made a mental note to pull back. If her love couldnāt save anyone, at least she could spare them from her curse. They would be safe.Ā
āYes. Please stay. The truth is... I don't want to be alone.ā
#milgram#mahiru shiina#yuno kashiki#amane and fuuta mentioned#i dont know how well this all fits in with your vision of the au but i had a ton of fun with this lmao sorry š#oh hey if anyone knows any japanese superstitions like those in the beginning lmk#i was trying to research them but i kept getting lucky symbols/words - not necessarily actions like that#anyway thank you so much for this!! it was a really interesting moment to capture >:0#drabbles that take me way too long to combine my three brain cells but im really pleased with the end result#i had a lot of Mahiru Thoughts but it took a bit of fiddling to make them fit together#the superstitiousness - the focus on one's presence - the parallels with his bf - what she's dealing with from the voices#im glad it came together semi-smoothly in the end asdfsd#i didnt mean for mahiru t break the fourth wall or anything --#i always saw her as a master at picking up on social changes/cues so she can tell when things are most tense/kotoko is fully prepared#but she doesnt consciously know it -- she just knows that things feel Off#not only do the attacks confirm mahirus fear that shes cursed - but yunos involvement confirms her belief that shes extra lucky#i wonder if shed still end up spending all her time with yuno now that she thought she was such a protective person...#i couldnt articulate it right since the end was wrapping up so nicely - but mahiru starts to wonder if most people are fine being left alon#and *shes* the odd one out for craving company#then she feels isolated because by getting what she wants shes dooming someone else#i mean... if everyone you try to get close to starts getting hurt... wouldnt you worry about the same...?#AHAHAHAHA hope you enjoyed š#*posts this then retreats back into the void for a bit*#drabbles
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i know periods of loneliness come and go and i know that itās Okay!!!! or whatever but also iām really sick of it lmfao and it feels like itās lasting Too Long this time and i really want a change but also every time this has changed iāve just ended up feeling lonely in different ways . does anybody know what to do about this
#like itās not about being āfriendlessā tho ofc thatās been a factor at times#itās that even when this isnāt a factor i still feel like itās useless and that iām just as lonely as i was when i was alone#like DAMN maybe iām the problem fr and iāve found the few people in my life that will ever love me#and thatās all i get.#okay DEEP BREATH. IM ONLY TWENTY. IM ONLY TWENTYYYYYYY#but u know what. when youāve felt this way for almost half your life . through periods of friendlessness and periods of being surrounded#by friends. itās real hard to believe that it will ever go away fully.#like what if it doesnāt matter and itās just me. and iām not the kind of person that gets to feel any way but this . but whatever i think#itās actually chill#*through gritted teeth* iām only twenty.#and i never mean to sound ungrateful for the people i do have bc i really feel lucky in a lot of ways . but 1) theyāre all far away#and 2) itās really easy for that to feel like thatās not enough when iām seemingly surrounded by people who are just so natural at#connecting with people . when i had to fight and claw my way towards every meaningful thing thatās ever happened to me#and iām sure thatās not fair but i meanā¦.. you can only feel on the outside of everything for so long before you start to believe that itās#your fault and that itās where you belong . but no iām chill#iām CHILL.
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I wish I could go back and tell younger me that I would in fact find that place one day full of people that I adore deeply and who I know love me in return. Who make me feel wanted and cared for and appreciated in a way I never thought would be possible. And none of it required hiding, or forcing myself to be a person Iām not. And I still have that space even though Iām aroace.
For the first time ever, I see a future where Iām not alone. And I wish I could go back and tell my younger self it would happen. Itās possible to not be constantly lonely.
#ravenpuff rambles#Iāve been lucky enough in my life to make amazing friends several times#several of whom are still in my life now#but itās only been recently that Iāve felt like I truly found my place#I donāt know how to explain it#I guess up until now I have always gone into friendships expecting them to end and holding back just a little bit#and this is the first time I donāt feel like I have to run because I donāt feel like these people are going to leave me#maybe itās just because one of them is also aroace and weāve talked a lot about those similar feelings of being left behind#never had someone quite get that before#and maybe itās just I feel more willing to open my heart#admittedly this group of ours went through some shit together and thatās how the friendships really started forming#and so maybe that helps#but itās like#Have you ever met someone who is so much like you in so many ways that its like the joke of ā#ācan I copy your homework?ā āyeah just be sure to change it so no one knowsā#Itās a weird thing of feeling so completely and totally seen by somebody sometimes without having to say a word#anyways#Iām really happy with this little place I found and I wish I could tell younger me#and also tell xem that no it doesnāt look like a fanfic dream#no im not their person but yeah theyāre kind of mine but thatās okay#its nothing and everything like I always thought of#and for the first time in my life I donāt feel a crush sense of loneliness#yes I wish I could see them in person#but I can be okay with everything I do get
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listen.... i love matthew and sasha as much as the next person, but sometimes i really do miss them
#the way this is just the tip of the iceberg too#don't even get me started on the fucking instagram posts they used to make about eachother#i know a lot of newer panther fans only became fans post-matthew-trade so they don't fully get the lore#but like !! they were in love i tell you!!! in love!!!#in my head if i was talented enough id love to write a fic where matthew and sasha are both trying to either navigate ..#...long distance relationships or dealing with the fall out/break ups caused by the trade#and maybe they resent each other a little bit but then they actually end up growing close together and help heal eachother and grow togethe#but it would be like a long haul slow burn teammates to friends to lovers sorta angsty type beat#but anyways#sorry but posting the 1619 fic has been making me think of them lmfao#jonathan huberdeau#sasha barkov#aleksander barkov#florida panthers#long post#never not thinking about 'im so lucky i get to be around him#'he makes me feel right'#HE MAKES ME FEEL RIGHT??#WHAT THE FUCK
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CHAT I JUST WON AT SWIM SHARKS AND MINNOWS TWICE I AM LOSING MY MIND
@blue-the-gay-king
#Basically swim sharks and minnows is you canāt be tagged if your head isnāt above water#I am a GOD at it because I just GO UNDERWATER THE ENTIRE WAY AND HOLD MY BREATH#THERE WERE KIDS I DONT KNOW ASKING ME HOW I WAS DOING IT#Anyway in this version sharks were allowed to pull you above water#Otherwise I never wouldāve gotten tagged EVER#Anyway again I got lucky because only one of my friends was there and she was busy targeting other people#And my coach [my FAVORITE coach] just didnāt target me for some reason#SO I WAS ONE OF TWO PEOPLE WHO WON THE FIRST TIME#Then I was a shark#THEN I was one of THREE people BUT MY COACH DECIDED TO PROTECT ME AND I LIVED FOR THREE MORE ROUNDS AND WAS ONE OF TWO PEOPLE WHO LIVED#Then my other coach [least favorite] said that with lungs like that I should be breathing every five strokes on my 100 free#Which isnāt how that works#Because the moment I breath my body realizes I need oxygen#So I just have to NOT BREATH AT ALL#Then gasp a lot when I finally get to the wall#ANYWAY IM VERY PROUD OF MYSELF
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