#I knew very little about Jordan until recently

[lesbiantenets]

Moving Towards Life: Exploring the correspondence of June Jordan and Audre Lorde, Marina Magloire assembles an archive of a Black feminist falling-out over Zionism

[patheticbatman]

@answeringmysister won this round!

The 53rd Win A Commission story was ‘West of the Sun, East of the Moon’, based on the Norwegian fairy tale, ‘East of the Sun, West of the Moon’! If you would like to read the story and see the illustrations in context, please

Dani was tired of the East Coast. Tired of the traffic, tired of the loneliness of being one in millions, tired of her family's drama.

So when a recruiter offered her a contract in Alaska, she snapped it up.

“Are you out of your mind?” Asked everyone she knew.

And every time, she would tell them the same answer. She loved her friends, her family, even her very dependent maman. But it was just too much.

“Dah-nee-el-la,” her maman would say, drawing it out in a way only a Dominican accent could. “We have no family up there! No friends! Who will take care of you?”

Unspoken was the ‘Who will take care of me?’ Maman had cancer attacking her spine.

Dani had been her roommate, her confidant, her servant, and a little bit her punching bag for too long.

Meanwhile, her brother had finished school and then some.

The lawyer for the misdiagnosis case was still working on it, but it had been eight years – so Dani did not expect anything to happen now.

Dani was 27. She deserved to have her twenties too.

“Maman, I’ll be fine. I can fly back whenever I want!” - provided that there wasn’t a snow storm – “and it’s only a year. Jordan will stay here” – to keep an eye on you, finally – “until I get back.”

Dani was not going to be dissuaded.

So when her contract at Cooper finished up and Christmas was over, Dani hopped on a plane with several bags of clothes and left for Alaska, much to her maman’s dismay.

“At least I probably won’t have any seizures!” She assured her maman as she stood in line to board. “You know they don’t really happen unless it’s too hot or bright, anymore.”

Dani flew from Philadelphia to Chicago, from Chicago to Seattle, and then stopped at a hotel for the night. The next morning, she flew to Anchorage, got delayed for 17 hours due to a storm, and finally arrived in Qikiqtaġruk.

Once upon a time, the town was called Kotzebue, after an ‘explorer’, but it had recently returned to its Iñupiaq roots. She was to work in the Maniilaq Health Center, and emergency room. She adored the fast pace, and the stretch of her mind as she sought a solution. Sure, a lot of the time she would mostly just work with colds or mild allergic reactions, but she knew how to take the fun with the boring.

She picked up the keys to the car she leased, loaded her stuff, and slowly made her way through the icy roads to the little house on the northern outskirts of town that she was renting for the year.

As she suspected, the pictures had managed to hide a couple of issues – a mold spot in the bathroom, peeling paint – but otherwise, it was a good house. Toasty, already furnished, and quiet. Plus, it had a beautiful view of the sea to the west, and the low foothills to the east.

She would never tell her maman this, but on that first day, she slept straight on the mattress, no sheets at all.

By the third day, the house was mostly set up. Dani knew that she’d have to work the next day, and was not used to the time change yet. So she made everything comfortable, treated herself to some local sushi and set up her own house.

Her very own house.

The quiet was initially unnerving – her maman’s house basically needed a revolving door, with the amount of relatives from France, England, Dominica, and all over the continental United States passed through. Dani had loved it, but long to try something a little different.

Plus, it was pretty hard to date when your maman was constantly around.

But Dani pushed that thought away. Surely she’d be too busy for that!

———

She was not. It turns out, while living alone meant that she was the only one doing chores, that also meant she did not have to clean up after anyone else. Leaving her a lot of free time.

She thought about getting a cat, but decided against it. She really liked only having to take care of herself.

But that didn’t mean she liked being with only herself, all the time.

The other staff at Maniilaq were extremely friendly, and Dani could not keep track of how many outings, parties or high school sports games she attended with her new friends. Most of them were paired up or married to someone in town or close by, but that did not mean her options were limited.

After all, EVERYBODY had a cousin or a friend or a grandmother’s dog’s groomer’s husband’s brother’s neighbor who was just perfect for her.

And when she let slip she was pan? That just opened her up to more matchmaking attempts.

Finally, after the potential stress of starting dating around Valentine’s Day had passed – she had spent that weekend watching sappy romances over Teleparty with her old friend Manuela - Dani agreed to go on a couple dates.

“Just a few!” She warned, stomach sinking at the overly large grins on her coworkers’ faces. She could’ve sworn Melissa in the back was chanting under her breath, “Fresh meat!” Over and over again.

A few (“Just three or four!”) turned to several (“Eighth time’s the charm!”) Until the amount reached the double digits. Dani was becoming pretty familiar with the restaurants in town, much to her palate’s delight and her wallet’s chagrin.

A few were a little too quiet for her taste people. People she ended up befriending, but not dating. She wanted someone to help her fill her house with singing, talking and just general noise.

Some just had beliefs and habits that grated on her own. Things like not stopping completely at a stop sign, or asking excessively personal questions when she mentioned her last boyfriend was trans. Those people, she ghosted as soon as she got home.

Then there was that lady who was extremely forward and did not take no for an answer when Dani refused to kiss her good night. Danny had to jab her in the kidney before she got the message. Dani had a slight frame, but a mean left hook.

Thankfully, the friend who recommended Ms. Handsy was very ashamed and told Dani that her cousin had really only been up for the the woman anyway. Dani happily never saw her again.

On her thirteenth (“And last!”) date, Dani went out with a person named Ada. They were tall, and rounded in a way that told Dani that they really liked food, but enjoyed exercise too. They had spider bite piercings, catching the light under their smooth brown lips. Their dark eyes sparkled with mirth, accentuated by their eyelashes and facial tattoos, a skin tapestry of pride. Their hair and little mustache were black with cinnamon strands in the light, and straight as a pin. Overall, Ada was pretty cute.

“What’s something fun I can do when it’s hot out?” Dani asked after they made their introductions and ordered. “I’m enjoying catching up on my shows and books here – one of the first things I did was get a library card – but I am looking forward to the sun again.”

Ada giggled. “Yeah, I guess it’s a big change from New Jersey! It won’t even be warm enough to play in the snow for another month, basically.” They thought for a moment. “Well, we have a couple wailing festivals around the area – I am a champ at blanket-tossing.”

Dani didn’t know what that was exactly but nodded anyway.

“–And there’s sailing and hiking and – oh! Probably the biggest change is that we kind of become – what’s the word? You know, not diurnal or nocturnal but the other one?”

Dani nodded in her head. “Crep- crap- creps-”

“Crepsuc- crepus-”

“Crepuscular?”

“Crepuscular!” Ada hit their palm on the table. “Yes, that!” Suddenly embarrassed, they lowered their voice. “It doesn’t get disgustingly hot exactly. Our summers usually only hit the 60s, with only a few days much higher than that. Global warming, you know.” They rolled their eyes and Dani joined in. “But what does happen is that it gets so bright you could burn just like that!” They snapped their fingers.

Dani looked at their skin, a warm terra-cotta, darker than her own tawny. Both were slightly pallid from the lack of sun. “I don’t burn easy. It even affects you?”

“Oh yeah. So we all kind of exist during the sunrise and sunset. Even some jobs switch their shifts to those times.”

“Don’t they like, end quickly? You make it sound like sunset is a whole eight hours.”

They shrug. “It’s not eight hours, but it is a couple hours. If we were a few hours more north, the sun wouldn’t go down at all!”

Dani sat back. “Huh. I know the sun shows up differently around the world – I was even attracted to the darkness of your winter! – But I guess I didn’t really think about how it would balance with the rest of the year.”

Ada’s eyes gleamed. “Yes! And –”

The server returned with their food. For Ada, a mushroom burger with no cheese and lots of fries. And for Dani, French toast and a small salad with a vinaigrette.

“God, food is so expensive here!” Dani complained when the server walked out of the earshot. “Unless you’re getting fish – which for the record I do like – then it costs an arm and a leg!”

Ada shrugged. “Well, when the government heavily regulates our local food sources, and businesses don’t want to ship up here…” Her mouth twisted and she shrugged again. “We eat the shipping costs. But I’ve heard that the shipping lane up to Anchorage is getting more popular. Used to be, we’d get everything shipped from Vancouver or Seattle.”

Dani, who had grown up smack dab between New York City, Philadelphia and Baltimore on land colonized partly for its fertility, could only shrug back. She had always been in the center of food and shipping. “That sucks.”

“Yeah. But all this talk about food made me remember we were talking about things to do in the summer!”

“Oh?” Dani said, taking a bite of her French toast.

“I like to go on sunset picnics. Dawn’s are pretty too, obviously, but then the daytime hits and there’s hardly any chance to see the lights.”

“The aurora borealis?”

“Yeah. I, of course, have seen many,” they said smugly. “But I never get tired of them.” Ada took another bite of their burger. “I heard this year, 2024, is going to be especially pretty and strong. Magnet cycles or something.”

“I’ve always wanted to see one,” Dani admitted. “My cousin in New Zealand once saw the southern one – the australis, I think? And didn’t shut up about it for weeks.”

“Well, we’ll have to go and see some.” Ada smiled shyly.

Dani smiled back. “Sounds like a plan.”

They chatted as they ate, and Dani enjoyed herself so much that she suggested they stay for dessert.

“Best not,” Ada said, genuinely remorseful. “Looks like we’re due for another storm.” She pointed a thumb at the window.

“Oh snap! That reminds me. I have to go to Margie’s Materials before they close.” At Ada’s bemused look, she explained, “I’m making curtains. To block out the noise from the wind and I guess now to block out the summer sun.”

Ada nodded. “Yeah you’ll need them. Mention my name, she might knock off a dollar or two. We go way back.”

Dani beamed. “Thanks, Ada! Text me!”

She was still smiling as she paid her bill, picked up the material, and drove all the way home.

———

Of course, this was the one time that winter that the storm lasted for more than three days. On days Dani had to work, she woke up early, drove incredibly slow to work, hands gripped tight on the wheel, practically slid over the road, ice inches thick. Otherwise, she stayed at home, cursing at all the streaming services that were unavailable, and the frequent power outages. She did a lot of reading and sewing by candlelight and by the window. It was not the best thing for her eyes, but as a friend back home liked to say, boredom was the mind killer.

What she most enjoyed was texting with Ada, when the signals permitted. They were quite sweet and funny, and helped her create increasingly bizarre meals as her food supplies dwindled.

Dani

<<I swear my fridge was full just a few days ago. But I just don’t like driving out in this weather. And on a workday, by the time I get out, either the store is about to close or I’m so tired I just wanna go to bed!>>

Ada

<<I know what you mean lol. I live closer to my work than you do but further from Rottman’s. It sucks.>>

Dani

<<Yes! And really, they’re not that far! If it was warmer out, I’d walk>>

Ada

<<And I would walk 500 miles, and I would walk 500 more. To be the nb who walked a thousand miles to bring food to your door>>

Dani

<<😆❤️>>

Ada

<<Wait, actually do you live far? Maybe we can still have lunch together.>>

Dani‘s heart skipped the beat. Her maman did always say romance bloomed fast out in the country. She texted her address before she could lose her nerve.

Ada

<<Nice, I’m less than a five minute drive to your place. I’ll bring some home cooking. Lunch tomorrow sound good?>>

Dani

<<Omg you’re too amazing. Thank you!!! ❤️ >>

Casting her eyes around the house, Dani felt renewed vigor for her projects. “I have to show Ada my magnum opus when she gets here!”

Outside, a gust of wind blew especially hard, as if in an agreement.

———

Dani expected Ada around noon – but had yet to hang up her curtains.

A text came through.

Ada

<<Truck won’t start, I’ll be a little late.>>

Dani

<<No worries! I’ll put some candles at the window so you know which house is mine if it gets snowy again. My porch light is broken.>>

She started hanging the curtains all around the house, working double time. But as she was short and did not trust the chair she used a stepladder all that much, she was still very slow.

By the time the very last one was finished, her phone said it was 12:17.

Outside the wind started whipping again, and she neither saw a car coming up her street or anybody off-roaring in the snow planes and the low foot hills behind her house, encircling the ocean and bay.

Which meant she probably still had enough time to put all her candles out. Her family had always prized appearing perfectly ready for guests. Dani kept the habit up, because she enjoyed feeling organized. She drew away each curtain from the windows, and placed a candle on the sill. She missed summer, so she had all the more tropical scents out.

Just as she was sitting out her favorite piña colada candle, the wind cleared away from her eastern window, and she saw a large shape out back. Was that …

“Holy crap,” she breathed. “A polar bear!”

She knew they lived in the area, of course. As per her coworkers advice, she kept her trash in the garage and only set it out the morning before garbage trucks came by.

“They eat ANYTHING,” Barry emphasized. “Polar bears would be happy to eat your trash. Or,” he wiggled his fingers, “you!”

Dani had rolled her eyes at the time, but had listened, and was now glad for it.

The animal was huge – possibly 5 foot at the shoulder. And it was dragging something?

A thought struck her, and Dani’s blood turned ice. She hadn’t heard from Ada in a while, and they’ve been talking about, walking to her house just yesterday.

She grabbed her phone out of her pocket. No answer. Called Ada. No answer. Call Ada. No answer.

Her gut roiled as the beast got closer to the house. There was even something red in the trail following the bear.

She tried calling again, but her service went out. Desperately she typed out,

Dani

<<There’s a polar bear near my house! Please tell me you aren’t walking!>>

But just as she was about to hit send, the polar bear stopped right next to her window. She ducked around the window.

And suddenly there was no polar bear anymore. Instead, there stood Ada, adjusting their kuspuk, hat and mittens, shivering occasionally. And the thing behind her was a sled with a bundle on top. It was leaking red, but instead of blood, it was just a jam jar, fallen over and cracked open, dripping.

Dani could only gape.

Apparently satisfied with their looks, Ada pulled the sled a little further, out of her sight.

Oh God. Was she going to let them in? Maybe she had imagined it. But it was so cold! Plus, kuspuks were about as warm as sweatshirts – pretty good for weather over 40 degrees but nowhere near warm enough for a day like this. So something was definitely wrong. But she couldn’t just leave Ada out there! Even if she was a polar bear before, she certainly wasn’t one now.

Knock, knock, knock!

No time to hesitate now!

Swallowing down the rush of rmotion she weathered the last few minutes, Dani flew to the door. “Ada!” She plastered on a smile.

“Dani!” They answered back, their smile real, spider bite piercings glinting in the sun.

Dani’s heart skipped a beat.

And the wind smacked her in the face and invaded the house. “Come in, come in! Do you need help bringing the food in?”

“No,” Ada said, grabbing the sled one-armed. “I’m good.”

Dani’s heart fluttered again. That sled looked heavy. Still, she scooted around her tall date and grabbed the leaking jam jar. “Don’t want to spill in the house!” She tittered.

Ada covered their mouth with their other hand. “Oh, I didn’t even see that come. Dang it! That was my last jar of nagoonberry jam! Aata - my Dad - won’t share anymore of his.”

“Nagoonberry? And how did you get here? I don’t see a car.”

“My truck still won’t start, so a friend dropped me off down the street.

They hadn’t come in the direction of the street.

“Are you insane? It’s single digits out there!”

Ada shrugged asshe finished shaking off her snow pants - the last of her winter clothes to go. “Darling, maybe I’m just built different.”

Dani couldn’t help but laugh. In more ways than one! “Okay, so what did you bring me, muscles?”

Ada pulled a large basket out of a snugly wrapped blanket, which in turn had been wrapped in a tarp. “To keep the ice off, but the cool in,” they explained. The basket was woven tightly, wide and low, with a huge a huge lid, topped by a carved fish, probably made of ivory or bone.

“So, I hope you’re not too hungry, because I wanted to give you a little lesson before we eat.”

She nodded. “Are you gonna tell me about the nagoonberry?

Ada waved their hand. “All good time.” They pulled two Tupperware containers and stuck them in the freezer. “For later.” Finally, they opened up the basket, and began laying out the food.

“So I was mostly raised up in Utqiagvik, with my aakaga, my mom, until I was about 14-ish. My parents divorced when I was little. I’d see Aata in the summers and sometimes winter break if the weather was mild. Then mom’s writing career finally took off – remind me to bring a couple copies over sometime – and she had to go on a tour. So I moved in with Aata!”

“Let me guess – that’s when you started being interested in making food?”

“You bet! I mean, I knew how to heat up a pizza or make cookie dough. But Dad’s budget was a little tighter, and he’s a lot more connected to his people, so… yeah. Aaka and I are Iñupiak – that’s the dual form of Iñupiat, which is –”

“I know what a dual form ⁂ is!” Dani said excitedly.

Ada lifted their eyes brows, but continued. “Fair enough! Well, Aaka was not very traditional when I was growing up. She had to attend a lot of church as a kid, and she spent a lot more time with her father’s family than her mother’s. I think she was still sorting herself out from that, you know? But anyway, Dad is very Yup’ik. Not dual form for that, by the way,” they flashed a smile. “The plural is just Yup’ik, we don’t really conjugate it anymore.”

“Is this going to be Yup’ik food?”

“You bet! You say you like sushi –”

“Oh yeah,” Dani confirmed, eyes gleaming.

Ada chuckled. “Well, then you’re definitely going to like this. More protein, less filler, all local.” They pulled off the lid. “You seem to tend towards sweet-and-sour foods more than anything, and you mentioned wanting to eat more protein.” They smiled shyly. “So I took that into account. I’m going to introduce you to qassaq.”

Once again, Dani was speechless. Both because she was touched and in awe of the gesture, and because she didn’t know what that meant.

Ada must’ve seen her her face, because they started grabbing dishes out of the basket. “Okay! So this is not the most comprehensive introduction to Yup’ik cuisine, and I did end up going to the grocery store for some ingredients, but I figured we could ease into it.”

“This,” they held up a small casserole dish. “Is modern assaliaq. It’s a fried fish casserole with mostly bulb and root type veggies. That’ll be our main course. I’m going to heat it up in your oven, if you don’t mind.”

Dani shook her head and took the assaliaq, mouth dry. All this, for a second date? “How hot?”

Ada told her, then continued “This, if you dare,” they smirked. “is ciss’uq. Much more traditional, and a bit of a delicacy.”

Dani sniffed. Even wrapped up, its scent was strong and inviting. “What is it?”

“It’s fermented herring. Pulled it out right before I found out my truck wouldn’t start.”

“It definitely smells sweet!”

“If you enjoy this, then I think you’ll really like Tepa. But, that’s more of a summer food, remind me to show you later.” They moved on. “This is tepcuaraq, which is fermented frozen salmon. We can dip in some seal oil!” They set the container aside, with a little tureen on top. “And finally … drumroll, please!”

Dani happily obliged, giggling.

“Ice cream! Just in case you do want dessert. I wasn’t sure what you’d like, so I bought Neapolitan.” They grinned, a little sheepish.

After a moment, all Dani could say was, “I am blown away. You made all of this?” She gestured all around the kitchen as she put the ice cream in the freezer.

Ada smiled, still bashful “I really enjoyed talking with you, Dani.”

“I feel so unprepared!” Dani joked. “But I really like talking to you too.” She felt the blood rush to her face. “I hope you aren’t expecting to go home with leftovers, because I really want to try everything!”

———

Dani wasn’t sure if she’d ever eaten so much in her life. “You eat like this every day?” She asked, dipping another filet into the nearly gone seal oil. Another bite couldn’t hurt.

“I mean, not usually when I’m working. The counseling center is great, but I don’t normally pack a ton just for one meal. I’m a snacker, so I make a bunch of little stuff on the weekends and eat it throughout the day. But you can’t snack all day for a date!”

“How is that? By the way, don’t you guys counsel like, everyone from miles around? That must get a little bit conflict of interest-y with everyone being so tight around here.”

Ada shrugged. “I mean, I like helping people. Especially kids. On Thursday and Fridays the Center sends me to both of the schools to check up more personally, in case parents don’t want to bring them in.” They shook their head. “It’s like no one remembers how tough it is to be a kid sometimes.”

“I know!” Dani fumed. “Back home, a little girl was brought in after burned her foot when she put it on the stove top.” Both winced. “Not only were the parents careless, but they didn’t understand why she nearly screamed herself blue! It was the most painful thing that little baby had ever felt. It’s like they forgot everything is new.”

“Exactly.” Ada nodded.

Dani couldn’t stop smiling. A pretty date, good food, and excellent conversation. She didn’t want this to end. “Do you wanna watch something?”

“Sure! Have you seen Dungeon Meshi?”

Dani shook her head. “Isn’t that on Netflix? I think my friend just started.”

“Let’s watch that! I think it features cooking and fighting.”

Laughing, Dani grabbed two bowls and two spoons. “Everything is food with you, huh?” She grabbed the ice cream and a scoop. She could probably fit in dessert. “So why aren’t you a cook?”

Ada laughed too. “I tried for a year! But I like to take my time while cooking. I just couldn’t keep up at any of the restaurants. So I eventually got my psych degree.”

“Yeah, the restaurant business is tough. I do not miss being a waitress.” Dani handed Ada their half of the ice cream, with most of the chocolate and some of the strawberry. Dani took most of the vanilla nd the rest of the strawberry. “Hey, doesn’t Alaska have its own type of ice cream or something?”

Ada nodded as she pulled up the show. “Mhm. We call it akutuq, Inuit or Alaskan ice cream. It’s kinda like this?” She held up her bowl. “In that it’s a cold mix of sweet and fat. You have to try it. But I used up all my berries, so you’re not getting any soon. Though Lou still owes me – wait. I doubt xe has any either. Ugh.”

“Another summer treat?

“We’ll have to see,” Ada shrugged. “Oh well. You ready to watch?”

———

By the time the two had reached the second to last of the episodes released - they kept one-moreing it straight through episode six - it was quite dark.

“Let me give you a ride home,” Dani said. “I can’t believe I didn’t think of it earlier.”

Ada snorted. “You’re silly. But yeah, I’d be happy to save the trip.”

Dani dashed out to start the car, and they finished episode seven.

After both had finished redressing - for if the trucks heat suddenly failed, they did not wish to be cold – Dani drove her home. The sky was briefly clear, and they could see the moon setting on the sea.

It looked like a fairly normal home, even with an absolutely true part-time† polar bear living there. Dani did not see any polar bear paraphernalia. Not even a Welcome mat with paw prints in the pattern. She shrugged mentally and and gave Ada a kiss on the cheek.

Judging from their bashful reaction, they really liked it. With a wave goodbye and a “Text you later!” They grabbed the sled from her truck bed and rushed in the door, narrowly avoiding a particular vicious torrent of wind.

Dani played some instrumental music on the slow ride back, truck occasionally rocking and sliding against the onslaught of wind and ice. She hummed along, in between growls of frustration.

It had been kind of stupid to invite someone new over her own house, when emergency services could take a while to respond, for a second date. It had been monumentally stupid to invite a known anthropophagous bear into her house.

But God, Ada was cute. Dani was surprised they hadn’t kissed during their long date. Had it really been six hours? Dani had trouble enjoying that amount of time with any of her previous partners – and she had been thinking about marrying her ex-boyfriend!

Ada was witty, and sweet, and quite cuddly. And God, could they cook! The food they made was delicious, and made Dani feel brave and adventurous. Their shoulders were to die for, and Dani didn’t think she had felt that warm since last summer.

She shook her head. “I’ve got it bad.”

And what did this mean magically? Were all the things her grandparents worried about real? Was the Evil Eye real? Should she start wearing a cross? Was God real?

Then Ada popped up in her head again, and her worries melted away at thought of her cute date. Dani’s existential crises could wait until she got home.

———

Both Ada and Dani were busy with work, but they made time to see each other at least every Saturday – often extending all the way into Sunday.

Spring was slow to come, but as the weather warmed from ‘Immediate frostbite’ to only ‘You really just need one pair of mittens to go outside’ Ada delighted in showing off the beauty of town in the spring time. They walked around Swan Lake, pointing out the animals’ coats shifting to summer morphs, and the occasional bits of green fighting their way to the surface. They worked out together most days, and Ada would often fill Dani’s fridge up with food, but especially qassaq.

The sunlight increased every day and Dani loved it. She missed the easier weather back home, the earlier flowers, and the perfect days of May, but Dani was enjoying her break from home far more. It was worth it.

Dani’s hair, which she usually kept straightened, was starting to get on her nerves. The static electricity from the cold certainly did not help.

Dani

<<Ugh, I wish I had remembered to bring the good straightening stuff. I bet it will cost me an arm and a leg to get it shipped up here.>>

Ada

<<Darling>>

<<We do have hairstylists>>

Dani Scoffed.

Dani

<<Babe. No offense, but your hair is straight>>

Ada

<<Darling>>

Ada liked to double text for affect.

Ada

<<Where do you think my cousin Kayla and her mom got their hair done?>>

Dani had met their cousin when she came to visit Ada’s dad, Greg, for the first time. Delighted to finally meet her, Greg celebrated by cooking a little feast. The three stuffed themselves full of qageq, cuakapaq and tamukassaaq, which they ate like if chips were chewy.

While they played Sorry!, relatives stopped by to chat. They would then see Dani, and then the little chat would last at least half an hour while they introduced themselves and told at least one embarrassing story about Ada.

Dani quite enjoyed it, though by the end, she was a little exhausted. It was the first time she’d been on the other end of the dynamic.

One of the other relatives, a very old man, had referred to Ada by a different name a few times, but his son, who’d been with him, smiled apologetically. “He gets confused sometimes.”

Kayla had been the adorable daughter of Cousin James and his wife Kendra. She and her mom had most definitely not had she and her maman most definitely did not have hair as straight as a pin. In fact, Kendra had tried to talk to Dani about her hair, but then Greg’s cat Hobbes had knocked her glass off the table. By the time everything had been cleaned, the little family had to go because it was a school night.

Dani

<<All right, I’ll bite>>

A little part of her wanted to ask if this is where they got their fur done as a polar bear.

Ada

<<Guys & Gals Inc.>>

Dani checked out the next day, and was pleasantly surprised at their work. For the first time in over 15 years, she let herself be talked into a natural hairstyle, instead of straightening it. Maybe all that talk about reconnecting from Ada had gotten to her.

Sabrina, her stylist, was mixed Yup’ik and Black, and very chatty but in a welcoming way. “So why did you straighten it for so long?” She said, working on another bead. “It seems like you took care of it, I don’t see too much damage, but that’s a long time!”

Dani considered the question for good moment. “My hometown, back in New Jersey, was almost perfectly half and half black andwhite when I was growing up. It’s a little different now, but there’s pretty much the same ratio between black-and-white.”

Sabrina was nodding.

“But my family is from Dominica – NOT the Dominican Republic – so we were pretty different from the other black folk already there. My parents have accent, we eat goats and organ meat, and with my Papa away for work a lot, no one could drive us kids around. I just wanted to be,” Dani tried to find a better word. “Normal.” She winced.

“So you hung out with more white kids?

“Yes. Jordan – my brother – didn’t really care, but I did. And to be normal –”

“You have to be like everyone on TV, AKA, mostly white people.”

Dani felt small. “Yes. After a while, it just became habit. And my maman’s half Kalinago❧ , so her hair is just wavy.” She sighed. “When she had to learn how to deal with all this,” Dani gestured to her own hair, “she had quite a lot to say.”

Sabrina chuckled. “Sounds like your mom should have thought of that when she married your dad. Because you have beautiful, definitely curly, 4A hair.” Sabrina squeezed her hand comfortingly on Dani shoulder, “In any case, hon, better late than never. Look at yourself!”

Dani looked up, and gasped.

She hadn’t been sure if she’d been able to pull off the hairstyle as an adult, but she had wanted it all the same. Her scalp had always been sensitive, and she avoided tight braids when she could.

Instead, she had opted for long twists, stabilized by beads of bone and baleen, the latter of which had a stripe of golden paint in the middle of each bead.

She felt gorgeous. Even if she never wore her hair like this again, she knew she treasure the beads forever.

Dani was still feeling gorgeous by the time she got home. But she was also exhausted.

Staying still for several hours with genuinely hard work! Ada had been knocked out all weekend when she got her hand kakiniit done. She flopped onto the couch after lighting a candle. She looked at the time on her phone. It was three hours until six… That meant she could have an hour to snooze, an hour to cook, and then she should be ready! Dani set an alarm on her phone. A little nap wouldn’t hurt.

———

Dani was at a restaurant, alone. She kept ordering qassaq and quaq dishes, but the polar bear waiter kept bringing foods that were further and further away from what she was ordering. From sashimi to grilled chicken and on and on, until the waiter lifted the lid to her plate, and it was a lettuce leaf vegan burrito.

In between all that, the polar bear brought up a ringing telephone, set it down, and left it on the table.

She would pick up, or immediately hang it up, but after what felt like mere moments would pass, it would ring again. In exasperation, she picked it up and threw it away. There was a crash, but finally the ringing was far enough away that it stopped bothering her.

“Dani!” Someone in the restaurant called. “Dani! Wake up!”

Dani whirled around, but couldn’t seem to locate the voice.

CRASH!

With the start, Dani woke up to see her candle on the floor, burning, her door was off its hinges, her phone was still ringing on the other side of the room, and for half a second a polar bear stood at her doorstep.

Then a flash, and it was Ada.

The fire caught onto Dani’s sock. She ripped it off, and beat the blaze on the floor with it.

When she looked up again, sock and floor out but still smoking, Ada was running over with a pot of water from the kitchen. She dumped it onto the smoky mess.

Heart beating wildly, Dani caught their eye. And started giggling.

Ada tried to keep their face straight, but soon started giggling with her, both falling back onto the couch and relief and the stupidity of it all.

“I can reattach - hehe – the hinges,” Ada said, after they mostly finish laughing. “Are you okay?”

Dani was not done laughing. “Just – hmheehm – Bam! And you’re there,” she kissed Ada, then giggled a bit more. “My hero!”

Blood rushed to Ada’s face. “Yeah, yeah. Your hair looks pretty, by the way. The beads are a nice touch.”

“Heehmhm – you just like them because your cousin carved them.”

“How did you know Josie makes beads?”

“Well, the little stand at the hairstylist had a blurb about her, and from there it was a lucky guess. You have a lot of cousins.”

Ada smiled. “You got me there.” Their face turned serious for a second. “Actually, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about something.”

“Oh?” Dani’s heart raced. Did Ada realize that she had seen her as a polar bear today? Could they both finally come clean?

Ada took a shuddering breath. “Yeah, so, I’ve been thinking, and… I’m going to change my pronouns.” Dani’s trepidation fell, but then turned to excitement. “Awesome! What are you thinking? Neo pronouns? I played fae/faer in college. Or xe/xir? My friend uses those. Or –”

Ada looked a little overwhelmed. “No, no. I was just thinking she/her. Like, I’m going to try both they/them and she/her for a while.”

Dani hugged her. “Thanks for telling me. I have a question for you too.” She had actually been planning on asking this at dinner, but now felt right.

“Oh?” Ada said, slightly mocking.

“Yeah, oh. Listen, do you want to be my themfriend?”

Ada kissed Dani. “Hell yeah.” Then her stomach rumbled. “I’m guessing you didn’t make dinner?” Her stomach rumbled again. “Because I’m starving.”

“Yeah, next time I say I’m cooking, I won’t get my hair done first. How about I pick up Chinese, and you get my door. Thank you, by the way.”

Ada waved her off. “It was no problem. Now go get me some General Tso’s!” They got up to get the tools from underneath Dani’s sink.

“As you wish.”

———

“Darling?”

“Hm?”

“There’s a festival up in Utqiagvik, where my aakaga, my mom lives. Do you want to go?”

“Sure! I’d love to hear more embarrassing stories about you. I’m sure your aaka has tons.”

“Ugh, why do I love you?”

“Because I’m cute. Now hand me some of that arumaarrluk.

———

It had just been getting into light jacket weather in Qikiqtaġruk when it was time to fly up to Utqiagvik.

“It’s the northernmost spot of the Unethical Spoils of America!” Ada grinned while Dani worked that one out.

“Oh, USA. Okay, good one. Why are you bringing that up while I am packing, my thrilling themfriend?”

“Because, my striking sweetheart, it will not be warm enough to wear your pantsuit.” She said, pointing out the pantsuit Dani had laid out.

“Don’t you mean my PAN-tsuit?” Dani grinned briefly as Ada groaned. “And for real?”

“I mean, pack it if you want? Global warming and stuff, I could be wrong, but whenever I go there, it’s still pretty chilly. But suits look weird layered, my pretty panwoman.”

“I think I will, my lovely lesbian.” Dani stuck out her tongue, and Ada pretended to grab it. She shrieked and tackled her girlfriend to the floor, both laughing.

———

Utqiagvik, or Barrow as some of the older people said out of habit, still had snow. Dani wondered briefly if Ada’s polar bear form missed it, but she did not ask.

She loved Ada, but knowing the secret – and knowing that Ada was both keeping it from her and didn’t want Dani to know – was eating her up inside. And she was determined to have a good time – and if the opportunity arose, and the time felt right? Then she’d bring it up!

After an exhausting few flights – they had to fly south to Anchorage to catch a flight to Utqiagvik – Dani was ready to fall asleep. She was still adjusting to incredibly long days, and the solstice had just passed.

Thankfully, Ada’s mom Barbara was waiting for them at the airport. She gave her child a hug and a kunik∵ , and then turned to Dani. “You must be the girlfriend I’ve been hearing so much about!” She opened her arms once more.

Dani hugged the woman back. “Hi Ms. Stevens! I just finished reading book 6, and I’m itching to find a copy of next one! Ada doesn’t want to give me hers!”

Ada squawked in indignation. “Aaka, that’s not true! I los– I mean, I lent it out to someone else. I’m sure … Barry will give it back soon!”

Ada‘s mom rolled her eyes. “Please dear, call me Barbara. And I have extra copies to give you both so that Ada can ‘lend’ out a few more.” She winked.

“Aaka!” Ada whined.

———

Somehow, it was even brighter in Utqiagvik, then Qikiqtaġruk, despite the extra fog. But that didn’t stop the whaling festival, Nalukataq.

A lot of the butchering was already done, so the whales were fresh and ready to eat, and people were clearing out their freezers for any bit of last year’s catch.

Since everyone there was a fan of snacking all day, Dani was soon stuffed. As a newcomer, the whale guts and flippers were offered, and then there was the coffee and the goose and the caribou soups. And of course, the frybread! It was a delicious medley.

Ada happily introduced her to her maternal family, and friends from before she moved. They ran into many of them, because virtually the whole city had turned out for the festival.

There were so many vendors selling beautiful combs, baskets, parkas, kuspuks, embroidered boots, and so many other beautiful things. Dani ended up buying a basket for herself (topped by a polar bear), an arctic fox carving, and a baby blanket embroidered and lined with rabbit fur. It was ridiculously soft and fluffy.

Her friend Annika, who she was going to see on her trip back to New Jersey the following month, was due August, and she figured it made for a great baby gift.

Barbara winked when she saw the baby blanket, and Dani tried to explain herself, but Barbara just poked her in the side. “Come on, dear. You should see Ada at the blanket toss. It’s what the festival was named for, after all!”

The activity so far had been fun, but more expected, like prayer at the church, singing, storytelling, there would be dancing later, and the distribution of meat between family. Ada’s cousin Malik had done the majority of the hunting this year, but Ada promised to come help in 2025.

The songs were lovely, but sounded off to Dani, who been hearing a lot of Yup’ik the last couple months.

“Yes, it’s like Spanish and Portuguese, or so I’m told,” said Barbara, as they strolled over to the blanket toss. “Yup’ik and Iñupiaq. They’re fairly different, despite being relatively close. I couldn’t understand Greg when he slipped into Yup’ik, I’ll tell you what!” She chortled.

“Do you miss having Ada up here?” Dani asked quietly. Being around Barbara reminded her of her maman.

“Of course. But they’re happy in Qikiqtaġruk, and I’m happy here, and they come visit very fairly often. If they,” here she raised her eyebrows meaningfully, “ ever were to have kids, I would of course expect to have quality grandma time. But seeing as all involved are adults, we all do as we wish.”

To cover up for her blush, Dani laughed. “You should meet my maman, I’m sure you two would have fun, bugging about grandkids.”

The two arrived at the blanket toss. A huge blanket, mapkuq, sewn together out of walrus and seal hide, lay stretched between ginormous whalebone stands, with a host of people surrounding the edges.

“Okay, Dani, I have to help out now –” she nodded over to the tarp, where a few spots around could still be seen – “But why don’t you climb up on my truck! That way you can see my girl best.”

Dani, excited because she still wasn’t quite sure what to expect – she hadn’t spoiled herself at all – clambered up the red truck and situated herself upon the roof.

First came the captains. All but the oldest, who held a cane, got up on the mapkuq, and took their turn.

One, two, three bounces, and then four! The naluaqtit, the pullers, would pull the mapkuq taut, and up would go the captains.

Being generally older and serious, they would perform as straightforward a jump as possible, with minimal kicking, but by the end, even the most of dour of the nalukatat, blanket dancers, would land back upon the mapkuq, slightly winded, but grinning despite themselves.

Non-pullers were gathered around the mapkuq, which worried Dani somewhat. What if someone fell on them?

After the captains were the wives. “In old times,” Dani heard a nearby father tell the little boy sitting on his shoulders, “They used to toss baleen and tobacco, and other such treats, to show their competency as providers. But today they throw –“

“Candy!” Squealed the little boy, leaning past his father’s head as he reached for the tossed candy. The father, nearly bowled over by his son’s excitement, chuckled and gently warned the boy to be careful.

To Dani’s relief, the boy obeyed, and the two moved closer to the candy rain.

The last of the wives, who seemed young and athletic, hopped up on the map with clear excitement bubbling under her skin. She held a bag of candy, but unlike her predecessors, seemed to have something more in mind.

The young woman whispered to the leading naluaqtiq. He nodded, and then the woman went to the center of the blanket.

This time, the naluaqtit seemed to lift the mapkuq with an extra heave, and on that final bounce, the young woman went sailing into the sky.

She twirled the bag of candy by its bottom, high above her head and whooped, much to the delight of the entire crowd, Dani included. The candy went far and wide. Then she when she landed, the naluaqtit sent her up again! This time, she did a backflip and landed in a curtsy. Everyone cheered. From their reaction, it appeared the captains’ wives usually did not do such things.

Next step was apparently amateurs. Three separate people accidentally bounced off the mapkuq and into the crowd – who caught them quite readily. Dani realized they were so close so they could catch any accidental crowd surfers. The mapkuq was held on hard ground, so that the naluaqtit could hold it steady. Which meant a terrible landing for any who weren’t caught. Dani was just glad she didn’t have to rush into action.

Someone called for any new volunteers, and Dani thought about it, but ultimately held off. Between her full stomach, and the fact that she didn’t know many people, she felt it would be best to hold off. Maybe next year.

Next year? A small part of her whispered.

Shut up, a larger part whispered back.

Finally, she spotted her themfriend and cheered.

They strode up to the mapkuq confidently, with a few wolf whistles and whoops in their wake.

“Ada!”

“Ayo! It’s the champion!”

“We missed you at the Olympics!”

Ada smirked and shrugged off their attention.

The crowd stood at the ready.

The blanket bounced one, two, three times. She went up. A simple jump. Then to Dani’s awe, they flipped not once – not twice — but thrice.

They were spinning, so tight that it was like Dani was looking at a ball.

Only their braids, whose fur wrappings were coming loose, flew freely as they soared higher, higher, higher – nearly skimming the clouds it seemed – and then hurtled down.

Dani‘s breath caught in her throat her girlfriend approached the mapkuq. Would she fall, just like that?

Then the last second, her legs shot out, the mapkuq arose to meet her feet and up she went again. Two barrel rolls, a backflip, and on the last flip, Ada unfolded herself a little early and landed like a surfer. She lifted her arms and whooped.

The city went wild. Dani went wild. She launched herself off the truck and flew over, grasping Ada’s face and kissing her in front of the roaring crowd.

She had the coolest girlfriend in the world.

———

Barbara was incredibly proud of her child, and was bragging all the way back to her place after the day’s festivities ended. She stopped to breathe for a second, and Ada was about to get a word in edgewise, when Barbara turned to Dani, who was riding shotgun.

“Ada is great at all sort of sports. They must’ve been practicing quite a lot at your little gym – the Lord knows no one’s pulled that level of a trick for a while.”

“Aaka,” Ada pleaded, blushing.

———

“So you were in the Winter Olympics and you never told me?” Dani poked Ada in the side. They were walking at dusk, the cool air blowing off the water just this side of kuspuk, not coat.

Ada laughed. “It’s not the Olympics you’re thinking of, I’m surprised I forgot to tell you.” A pause, then, “I won third place in the 400 m dash in the Summer 2016 Olympics.”

“Really?!”

“No, no,” They said, and laughed. And then yelled when Dani poked them in the side once more. “Okay, okay! I used to do some jumps in the World Eskimo – Indian Olympics, the WEIO¤, in Fairbanks. I went for the first time with my dad, competed two years later. I didn’t go during Covid, and between this trip and then the trip to NJ,” they squeezed her hand, “which I’m very excited about – I haven’t been able to go to one in a while. But maybe we can go, next year!”

There was that dreaded phrase again. Next year.

Dani swallowed around the lump in her throat. “Was that the only kind of jump? The nalukataq?”

“Nope. But I mostly did stuff like the tow jump or the knuckle jump. I’d show you, but one requires a little set up and the other would hurt on the concrete.”

“I’ve never done anything like that.” Dani confessed after a moment. Then, “But I used to be point guard on my middle school basketball team. We should totally play some on one when we get to find a court! After you show me these jumps, of course.”

Ada squeezed her hand. “It’s a date.”

Fog started rolling towards their path, so both turned tail to head back to Barbara’s.

“Oh, is that a … rainbow, or something?” Dani pointed to a ring of light that encircled the setting sun. It appeared white, but the more she stared at it, the more pink and blue appeared at the edges.

“Oh!” Cried Ada, pleased “A fogbow! I haven’t seen one in ages! I think Qikiqtaġruk is too far south for any.”

“That’s neat! Back in NJ, I saw a triple rainbow once. But never anything like this! It kinda looks like a trans flag. Happy pride month to us!”

Both giggled, and then a harsh gust of wind swept away both the fog and any desire to stay outside. They hurried in.

Barbara was clacking quite loudly at her keyboard when Dani and Ada walked in – it no longer threatened to fall off her desk, thanks to Dani bolting it to said desk – but it still rattled. The woman pulled off her headphones and said, “There’s leftover assaliaq in the fridge, tepa if you want something sweet.” She put her headphones back on and returned to her clacking.

Dani rushed over to the kitchen. “Tepa? Isn’t that the sweet-and-sour stuff you wanted me to try?”

Ada actually wiggled to fingers. “Yes, oh my God. This is going to be good. I knew putting off fishing was a good idea!”

Tepa was a great way to end a great day. It was less sour than Dani expected, and she would happily admit to stealing some heads off of Ada’s plate. That got her an evil glare, but she just stuck at her tongue.

Ada put down her fork. “Hey, do you want me to show you another Olympics activity?” Her tone was innocent. Too innocent.

Despite herself, Dani aquiesced.

They sat upon the floor, and Ada showed her how to arrange herself.

With their right leg bent with her knee up, foot on the floor, and their left leg outstretched, toes of the sky, Ada folded themself around Dani, so that their left leg stretched under the arch of her right, and right foot by her hip. One mirrored the other. Ada and Dani put their left hands on each other’s right ankles, holding one another down. “Then, we cross our right arms, like this, and we pull away from each other.”

“No fair, you’re bigger than me!” Dani stuck her tongue out again. “You’ll push me to the ground.”

“Well, darling,” Ada purred, and leaned in even closer. “I could be mistaken, Ms. Basketball-Star, but I think you go to the gym more than I.” They pulled back, laughter in their eyes. “And besides, you win by pulling your opponent towards you. Whoever gets to hit the floor first, etc.”

Dani saw where this was going. She darted forward and picked Ada on the lips before they could say more. Then before the shock could wear off, she pulled them both down. “I win.”

Ada licked their lips. “You most certainly did,” they said after a breathless moment.

“Is this actually a sport, or is it just your special move to get all the girls?”

Ada rolled her eyes and kissed Dani back. “Oh no,” she deadpanned, “you found out my deep, dark secret. My armpull skills bring ALL the girls to the yard, and you’re just the latest in a slew of broken hearts.”

Dani had to laugh at that. Ada was NOT that smooth. “Well babe, I have to say, your reasoning and methods are solid. When am I getting replaced?”

Ada pretended to think for a moment before kissing her again. “Hm, I’m thinking this time next never. Sound good to you?”

“Do I have a choice?” Dani tugged on a strand of Ada’s hair.

“Nope. Suffer.”

That earned them another giggly kiss. “Love you, darling.”

“Love you too, babe. Bon swé.”

———

Something was off. Dani woke up in the middle of the night, alone in bed, dawn rising in the distance. She got up to look for Ada (and maybe grab a little tepa - the snacking lifestyle was rubbing off on her) when she heard voices just outside the lee-side living room window, accompanied by the flickering glow of a candle.

“I just don’t think it is a good idea. She’s a lovely girl, I really do like her, but you barely know her! Give it time.” That was Barbara’s voice.

“But Aaka, I think she get it, you know? She’s even Indigenous herself, I don’t think she’d reveal anything personal. She knows what it’s like to feel different in your own home. Even if we,” Ada’s voice went quiet, “broke up. Or something. She knows what it’s like to be ostracized for things you can’t control. She would not tell!”

“Maybe. Maybe not. But it’s not like she’s planning on staying. You have to protect your heart, Ada.”

The hurt silence was only interrupted by the low moan of wind on the other side of the house.

They must’ve switched to Iñupiaq after that, because Dani couldn’t catch anything more. She could’ve sworn she heard nanuq a couple times – she knew that to mean polar bear - but that was about it. Her heart became more and more numb, crouching under the window sill.

Only when she heard a growl did Dani wake up from her miserable trance. She peeked and yes. Ada was a polar bear again.

She heard the sound of footsteps towards the door. Dani flew to their bedroom, and threw herself under the covers.

Of course. Of course, she could not be told. She was just another outsider, a stranger. How could she be anything more?

———

When Dani woke up, Ada still wasn’t back.

“Oh, she just went fishing with her cousins!” said Barbara cheerily. “You know how early dawn is around here! Maybe we can all have some barbecue when they get back. Then I’ll take you up to the airport.”

Dani nodded, too morose to say much.

Ada did, in fact, bring back some fish, and they fried it up in some seal oil.

Dani tried to muster up her usual enthusiasm, and the food was delicious, but she just felt heavy.

“Are you okay, darling?” Ada asked, after Dani sighed for the third time.

Caught, she spluttered, “Oh! No. Just thinking about something, you know how it is after the adrenaline crashes!” A half truth was better than a lie, right?

“If you’re sure.”

———

Things were a little colder between them after that.

Sure, they still ate together, worked out together, and enjoyed each other‘s company. But how could she open up to Ada if Ada was not open to her? And why should Ada open up to her if she wasn’t staying? Did she want to stay?

Dani kept promising herself she would talk to someone about it. She was putting up walls and shutting Ada out – and she hated to see that hurt look flash cross their face. Dani hated hurting them. Dani loved them. But would she stay for them?

Her maman needed her. And it wasn’t fair to expect Jordan to step up all the time. Was she a bad daughter if she likes keeping away from her maman? Was that the reason enough to stay?

Was she just using Ada as an escape?

All that roiled in Dani’s gut as they flew across North America.

They caught a flight to Anchorage, to Portland, to Minneapolis, to DC, irritatingly down to Atlanta, and then finally to Newark, where Jordan picked them up. The cheapest flight plan wasn’t always the best flight plan.

Ada, who hadn’t been out of the state since college (partly due to Covid) basically had her face pressed to the window the entire time, especially when they crossed over the desert.

Dani had to laugh. Maybe next time they could stop in Las Vegas. If there was a next time. Dani did not have to laugh anymore.

To her surprise, Jordan looked older. More mature. They texted and called occasionally when she was in Alaska, but Dani had not realized how much he had become an adult. And it didn’t look like a weight on him.

She hugged him, long and hard. “I missed you! She cried. “I swear, you weren’t this tall when I left you.”

Being a whole 2 inches taller than his older sister and proud of it, Jordan gave her a noogie.

“Hey, not the hair!”

Jordan turned to Ada. “Hey,” he said, holding out a hand.

Ada reached to shake it, but Jordan withdrew his at the last second, sweeping it over his cornrows and lifting his left hand to cup his chin and smirk.

Okay, maybe he had not matured that much.

“You won’t help with the bags?” Jordan said, already grabbing two bags and hauling them towards his backseat.

It was a tight fit in the two hours it took to get back to Cottington.

Being laconic over the phone, but verbose in person, Jordan filled her in on all the family drama that their maman had forgotten to share.

“What do you MEAN, Sienna got into Princeton?! Is that why she’s ghosting me? Too good for the likes of a Rowan girl?”

Jordan sucked his teeth. “Man. I don’t know. She hasn’t been returning my calls or texts either.”

They all laughed at that.

“This is it!” Dani exclaimed as Jordan pulled in front of the house. “Let’s hit the hay, I am beat.” She grabbed both suitcases beside her, excitement beating exhaustion.

The door was unlocked, so she burst into the house. As per usual, her maman was in her armchair. But to Dani’s surprise, she actually got up. “Dah-nee-el-la!” The woman opened her arms wide. “Oh mon fille, you’re home!”

“Maman!” Dani could believe help could not help but get a little teary.

They hugged.

Maman let go first. “Now where is she? That Ada girl? Oh!” She dropped Dani like she was yesterday‘s news. “Oh, you must be Ada. You look so strong, so pretty. Though the silver bits in your mouth –” she plucked at one of them, causing Ada to yelp. Mama and sucked her teeth. “Well, nobody’s perfect. Still!” She turned back to Dani. “You’ll make even more money.”

Ada looked at Dani wide-eyed over Maman’s head – all were short, but her maman was by far the shortest – and Dani shook her head and rolled her eyes. Ada winked in understanding and went back to surviving the woman’s chatter. Her stomach rumbled audibly.

“Oh yes, and you must be starving! Tell me, do you like hot food? Dani only likes it mild, she must’ve gotten that from her father –” Maman lead them all to the kitchen, whereupon a small feast laid.

“I just thought the island food was like. Fresh fruit and pork. Maybe some fish.” Ada whispered to Dani, eyes wide, and nose at work.

Dani giggled. “Not Dominican food, babe.” She grabbed an accra. “Try this first. I told my maman you were a foodie.”

Maman had brought out the good stuff. She was a great cook, but rarely did she pull out all the stops. She must have caught a train to Philadelphia to get the ingredients this fresh, this flavorful - this Dominican.

There were grilled breadfruit strips, fried in coconut oil, accra to the side – ready to be eaten with the fish and sweet and spicy goat stew, and of course, the crêpes.

“Crêpes are more of a breakfast food, said Jordan in between stuffing his face. “But they’re Dani and Maman’s favorite, so she made them for dinner. She really pulled out all the stops with this one!”

“Yeah, we don’t usually have this much meat.” Dani said, daintily wiping her mouth with a napkin.

“But when my Dani comes home after being gone for so long –”

Dani could feel THAT little needle.

“- and she brings home such a pretty girl, I wanted to spoil her.” Maman grabbed both Dani and Jordan’s cheeks. “Not that they aren’t spoiled enough.”

“Maman!” The sibling said in unison.

Ada, who could not get enough of, well, anything, nodded politely, mouth quite full. Her eyes were watering, but Dani could see the excitement there too. Finally, she swallowed. “I must say, Ms. Romain, youre cooking is inspiring. Would you mind sharing the recipes with me?”

“Please, call me Patience.” Maman grabbed Dani‘s arm. “You better keep this one. Mon Dieu, she could make up for your lack of charm!”

Dani flushed angrily, but did not say anything, as did Ada. Her maman was a master at blending a compliment with an insult.

———

How could she keep Ada?

———

They went to Great Adventure. They went to New York City and saw The Wiz. They went out with her friends and cousins. They visited a friend’s petting zoo farm. All these things.

Dani enjoyed herself. She could tell Ada was having a blast.

But every night, Dani’s dreams, when she got to see them at all, were plagued with questions. How could she be with someone if they couldn’t be honest with each other? If they couldn’t be themselves with with each other? How could she love them this much and not be sure if she could stay? If she could leave her maman, forever?

Maman had been high energy that first night, but her chronic pain made itself quite known during the following week. Every day, after all their activities (With the exception of their day in NYC. Her papa was home that evening and he brought pizza). Dani would get home and be expected to make dinner. She could make a mean crab farci, but she did not take joy in cooking like her mama or Ada.

Her maman’s pain and love were real, but as Dani grappled with her own dishonesty and commitment questions towards Ada, the old anxieties and irritations of home reared their ugly heads.

Her maman would bark orders at her, and fawn on Jordan the next. She had been away from home for over six months, and yet she had to cook for the household again? God, she loved her maman, but hate and love were not opposites. They were two sides of the same coin.

As Dani trudged upstairs to bed, hands wrinkled from washing dishes, her maman called to her. “Dah-nee-el-la!”

Dani groaned internally and turned around. Her parents’ bedroom was on the first floor. “Yes, Maman?”

“This house is a mess. You will help Jordan and I clean in the morning.”

That meant Dani would have to get up at six to clean while Maman supervised and occasionally wiped off counters. Jordan might wake up in time to maybe sweep and take out the trash before he had to go to work.

Dani turned to go. “Oui, maman. Bon swé.”

“Bon swé. Je t’aime bien.”

“Mon aussi, je t’aime.” She meant what she said, but wished she did not.

———

Nearly everything went as she expected, much to Dani’s displeasure. 6 AM wake up, clean up for a couple hours, and then Jordan took the trash out before he went to work, apologetically smiling. Ada woke up halfway through and joined in, making Dani love her all the more, though Maman looked on disapprovingly.

Their last fun day was to be spent at the beach. Ada didn’t know how to swim, and Dani’s hair had just been redone, so they didn’t spend much time under the water. Still, they splashed and got a bit burned - despite using sunscreen, both forgot to lotion their ears - and ate overpriced ice cream and fried Oreos.

“I can feel my arteries wheezing their death rattles,” Ada said while stuffing another Oreo in her mouth “I need a salad, stat!”

Dani snorted. “There’s no saving you now. Your palate will forevermore be unclean.”

Ada died.

Dani slid her remaining Oreos over.

Miraculously, Ada came back to life to take them back just as thunder cracked in the sky.

“Snap, that looks like it’s moving in fast!” Dani said. It wasn’t raining on them just yet, but she heard the pattering of precipitation and saw a sheet of darkness fall and saw a sheet of darkness fall a mile down the boardwalk.

The same direction as her car, of course.

She grabbed Ada’s hand. “Come on!”

Everybody started fleeing, much to the couple’s dismay, the crowd moving against them. Apparently everyone else had parked in the opposite direction.

When the two finally found the car, it was cold and the wind was whipping. A sheet of rain rapidly approached the vehicle.

“Beat you there!” Ada challenged, and ran to the car.

Dani cursed and ran too.

Ada had already reached the car and was pulling on the doorhandle. They turned to Dani. “Come on,” they whined. “Let me in.”

Huffing and puffing to the driver’s side, Dani hit the unlock button. But only once, so only the driver’s side was unlocked. She slid in.

“Jezebel!”

The rain was only two cars away.

Smiling, Dani unlocked the door.

Ada slid in, frowning. “Evil woman,” she groused as the rain hit the car.

“I don’t start things,” Dani flipped her twists over her shoulder. “I just finish them.”

Ada sniffed delicately. “You better not leave me out in the cold again.”

Dani laughed hollowly at the words that reminded her of the questions that plagued her each night. “I’m sorry, babe. Let’s go to the house.”

Ada reached for a kiss, and Dani barely returned it. It was too much. She hated seeing the hurt on Ada’s face – so she did not look.

———

Their full morning in New Jersey was spent hanging out with her maman and any family who stopped by. With a farewell that part of Dani wished had come sooner, the couple left her family’s house.

Their flight was at 9 AM the next day, and her old friend Annika live close to the Newark airport. As such, she had voluntold her husband Antonio to drive them to the airport the following morning.

So, the two took an Uber to Annika‘s house.

“I’d take you myself,” Annika said over the phone, laughing, “but I’m just too big to fit behind the wheel anymore!”

It was true. When they arrived at Annika and Antonio‘s house, the woman had to waddle out. She was tall, but her husband was tall – tall. Dani did not want to know how big that baby would be at nine months.

“I’m not sure that baby blanket I packed is going to be big enough,” she whispered to Ada from the backseat.

Ada snorted.

“Dani!!!” Squealed Annika as she made her her way down from the porch, carefully.

“Nika!” Dani squealed back, getting out of the car and forgetting her bags. She rushed over and slowed down, just before impact, going in for a side hug and a cheek kiss instead. “How are you?”

“Ah well, the baby is coming along. It was beating me up earlier, the little stinker.” The woman caressed her stomach with a slight wince. “I’m surprised I’m not lack and blue yet!”

Dani chuckled. “That’s great and all, but I asked about you, not the kid.”

“Oh!” Annika smiled. “I feel like a bumper car, I can hardly walk, and I only ever feel like sleeping or crying. But I’m also bored and tired of waiting. Does that make sense?”

“Sorry to interrupt, Dani, but I don’t have the app and the driver wants us to pay.” Ada butted in, embarrassed.

“Oh sorry babe, I’ll go get that.” Dani squeezed Annika once again and rushed over to the driver, phone in hand.

“So you are the famous Ada!” Dani heard her over her shoulder.

———

The rest of the afternoon, all three chitchatted and played monopoly, too tired or too pregnant to do much else. Antonio got home and made them burgers – Annika‘s favorite, aside from sushi, which she wasn’t allowed to have due to the fetus.

“I miss it, I really do!” said Annika, eyes watering.

Antonio’s eyebrows rose with alarm.

“After the kid is out, I’d love to come up and try some of your qassaq, Ada. It sounds divine!”

Antonio cast his eyes pleadingly over at Ada.

But Ada never needed any encouragement to share their cooking. “I’d love to make some for you! You should absolutely come up, we’d be glad to have you.” They glance to her stomach. “Once the baby is ready, of course.”

“Of course!” Annika said.

Dani could see the relief flooding Antonio‘s face. “And on that note, does anyone want dessert?”

Ada declined, looking at her phone and saying that she wanted to hit the hay early. She went upstairs with a “Thank you, you two! It was nice meeting you!” Dani was pretty sure her girlfriend was actually not going to sleep just yet, considering this sheepish look on her face. She probably just saw an update notification for a fanfic she liked.

Antonio graciously got both Annika and Dani ice cream, waving off her thanks with a “It’s habit now.” Then he went to bed, probably to actually go to sleep.

Annika was a night owl – Dani remembered how they both stayed up 37 hours one weekend when the two were eleven, just because they could. Being a medical professional now, Dani winced at the thought. Both had improved their sleeping habits, but to say Annika was cured would be laughable.

“Do you want to watch a movie?”

“Does it have many flashing lights? My head is still spinning a bit from the amusement park.”

There had been a light malfunction on a dark ride and Dani was pretty sure she almost had a seizure. Which would have gotten her stuck in NJ, meaning a bunch of breach of contract, meaning her decision about Ada would have been temporarily made for her. SHE wanted to make the decision. Even if her decision at that moment was to put off said decision.

“It’s animated, but I looked it up earlier and some parenting site said it’s decently epilepsy safe. There’s a few fireworks, and some characters made of fire, but no strobing, or big flashy changes!”

Dani narrowed her eyes. “Are you trying to get me to watch that elements movie again?”

Annika pouted. “It’s like, the best movie of 2023 and you didn’t even watch it!”

“You know I don’t watch a lot of kids movies.”

Annika thought for a moment. “I’m pregnant, and you need to see this movie.”

“Your logic is astounding,” Dani said dryly. “Okay. Put it on.”

———

Dani had gone into the movie expecting to endure it. Instead, she began to draw … similarities to herself.

By the end, they were both weeping. “It’s like me with the farm a couple years ago!” exclaimed Annika. Then she blew her nose, and offered the tissue box to Dani.

“I think it’s like. My maman and I. But nicer.” Dani took a tissue.

“Mhm.” Annika snatched the box back to herself. “And you know,” her voice suddenly turned sly. “I think somebody in your life is a little like Wade.”

“Oh, shut up.” Dani balled up her tissue and threw it at Annika’s head, who squawked an indignation. “What do you know, anyway?”

Annika smiled and tapped close to her eye, creepily reminding Dani of the Beldame from Coraline. “Mother’s intuition.”

“It hasn’t even been born yet!”

Annika shrugged. “You can’t help with sneak glances at her, even this far into the relationship. You desperately wanted your mom to like her, which I don’t think she even met any of your previous partners.”

“That’s more because of her than –”

“And it looks like you’re keeping secrets, and it’s killing you.” Annika caught Dani’s eye with a long steady look. “This isn’t just a fling for you.”

Dani looked away first, unable to hold her gaze. “I’m not even sure if I should stay in Qikiqtaġruk,” she said to the floor. “Why should I make any drama if I can’t even stay.” She started to weep.

Annika opened her arms, and Dani nestled into her side. Annika gave pretty good backrubs – her calluses from work, always scratching Dani‘s back just right. “Let’s not talk about should, or would, or can.” Annika said. “Let’s just talk about want.”

“I know what I don’t want.”

“Okay?”

“I don’t want to let anyone down. But I don’t want to take care of my maman – I’m 27 for God’s sake! She loved on me the first day, and then it was like I never left!” She thought for a moment. “Plus I want to keep my girlfriend. She is pretty cool.” They both chuckled. “And I don’t want to leave all that pressure on Jordan. And it feels wrong to kind of leave Ada hanging.” Dani sighed. “I just don’t know what to do, and it’s biting me in the butt. Ada and I had a great time this trip, but I kind of held them at arm’s length. And Ada definitely saw that.”

Annika chewed on this. “Your mom doesn’t put things on Jordan the way she does on you, does she?”

Dani shook her head.

“Maybe you should ask him what it’s been like for him, instead of assuming. Either he gets out of it, or he found a way to keep her happy that works for him. Maybe … the workload changes when you’re not here.” Annika sneezed.

“Bless you.”

“Thanks. Anyway, when you start feeling like a family member is a burden –”

“It means you’re a crap person, and –”

“No! It means you need time away from them! To reevaluate and appreciate each other and stuff. I got to know my parents and like them a lot better when I moved out for college and stayed out! And you, you never had that. Until now. And with a person who looks at you like you hung the moon.” Her voice softened. “You had a terrible taste before this. All your exes were way less fulfilling, and more toxic than nuclear waste. I don’t know what compelled you to get with this person, but they’re keeper.” The woman grinned. “Especially since you still have a gooey look when I say their name. AdaAaAa!”

Dani’s face did not change. She made sure of it.

“AdaAaAa,” Annika repeated, this time poking Dani in the side.

“Hey! Cheating.”

Annika rolled her eyes like SHE was not the childish one. “Anyway, the only person you need to be worried about disappointing, is yourself. I know you love New Jersey, and me, obviously and me, obviously,” the pregnant woman put her hand on her own chest. “But I don’t think it’s enough to make you content, let alone happy.”

“I miss you,” Dani offered.

“I miss you too,” Annika squeezed her. “But it’s not like we can’t see each other. And besides,” she laughed. “With the time difference, I’m sure the baby will keep me awake long enough to call you, if this kid is anything like me.”

They both laughed at that.

“Oh! Hold on.” Dani got up and found the gift bag she’d been hiding up in her room. She waved at Ada, who was indeed reading on their phone, and went downstairs. “For you,” she said, holding out the gift bag.

She saw the water in Annika‘s eyes and she handed over the tissue box as well.

“What’s this?” Annika sniffled.

“It’s for the baby. From when Ada and I were in Utqiagvik. I saw this adorable booth selling things like this and I knew you’d love it.”

“I do,” wailed Annika, who hadn’t even opened it and was reaching for more tissues.

“Nika. Look in the bag.”

After a bit more sniffling, Annika finally opened the bag. “Oh my God, it’s too cute!” Annika practically shoved some tissues up her nose to avoid getting snot on the beautiful blanket. “My mom has this cradle her dad carved for her when she was a baby, and she put my brother and I in there when we were babies for pictures and, and, and,” she blew her nose again. “I am totally putting my baby in there with this blanket. Oh my God, thank you, Dani!”

Dani just hugged her.

———

Dani helped Annika settle on the couch. The doctors had said minimal stairs, and the couch was nice, so the woman slept there most nights.

After helping her friend, Dani went to bed. She had a lot to think about.

———

At 4 AM, Dani smacked the alarm.

Ada snorted, but snuggled back into her pillow and went back to sleep.

Dani sighed with relief. She slowly got up and dressed, packing both their things into the car (Annika said she could borrow it), only leaving each of their handbags with change of clothes in their room. Then she grabbed Wawa for breakfast, a last little New Jersey treat before returning to Alaska.

At 5 AM, she shook Ada awake. “Babe, wake up.” She planted a kiss on her themfriend’s cheek. “I want to show you something.”

Ada stretched and nodded, sleep still clouding her vision, and trudged off to the bathroom. At 5:20, Ada finally got her butt downstairs, where Dani was champing at the bit.

“Babe, come on, we’re going to miss it!”

Ada yawned as she closed the door, then fixed her eyes upon the Wawa bag. “What do you have there?” She woke up a bit.

“A reward for after we get to the beach. Come on!”

“Why are we going to the beach? I don’t think it’s safe at right now, it bei dark and all. And you didn’t tell me to get in my swimsuit!”

“You’ll see. Just come on already! Before it gets hot and you melt again.”

“In my defense, it’s stupid humid in New Jersey. I don’t know why anyone wants to live here.”

Both giggled as their flip-flops hit the sand path through the dunes. The birds were singing their sunrise songs, and already catching bits of seeds and bugs.

The couple reached the surf. Dani sat down carefully, cursing herself for not bringing a towel, and beckoned for Ada to sit too. “So I actually brought you here for two reasons.”

Ada suddenly looked guarded. “Oh?”

Dani swallowed around the lump in her throat. “Yes. First, I wanted to show you the dawn on the ocean. It’s pretty cool, and… I know you like sunset picnics back home.”

Ada smiled. “I do.”

“And… I think I’ve been dishonest. And kind of … noncommittal. And I hate that, and I want to respect your time and –” Dani realized she was rambling. “–And I know you can turn into a polar bear.”

Ada‘s eyebrows almost reached her hairline, and her mouth opened in shock. Whatever she had expected to hear, it was not that. “What?”

Dani felt all the blood rush from her face. “When you walked to our second date – I saw you. Walk up with the sled. And again – when you broke down my door? Polar bear. And – and, when you talked to your mom that night after Nalukataq!”

Ada’s face was stone.

Dani panicked. “And I think it’s totally cool and I didn’t tell anybody and I wasn’t sure if you knew that I know or if you’d be mad especially since –”

“So you’re afraid of me?”

“What?” The word vomit stopped.

“Have you been afraid of me, this whole time? Is that why you always say yes?” Ada stood up, hands shaking. Her voice remained quiet. “Is that why we’re dating? Too afraid to tell this giant, man-eating beast no, unless you’re in your home territory?” Their voice broke. “Do you … not love me?”

Now what it was Dani’s turn to be shocked. “What? No!” She grabbed Ada‘s hand.

It was the wrong move.

Ada’s eyes went impossibly wide with fear, and quicker than Dani could track, they were a polar bear, and Dani was holding air. They turned to run into the ocean, but Dani swallowed her fright at the change and jumped in front of Ada.

“Ada,” Dani worked hard to keep her hands by her side. She desperately wanted to hold her love’s face. Even with the teeth, the fur, the sudden immensity, she saw Ada and those eyes.

“Ada,” she repeated. “I love you. All of you. I just don’t want there to be secrets between us.” Dani closed her eyes and breathed in Ada, and after a moment, Ada breathed her in too. A kunik.

To the east, dawn bloomed.

Ada transformed back. “I can’t speak when I’m using my Nanuq Atiq, they explained hesitantly. “I – are you … sure?”

The tension in Dani’s gut roiled into laughter. “Babe, I’m moving to Alaska permanently. What do you think?”

Tears welled in Ada’s eyes. “You what? You’re staying?”

“You bet, babe. I’ll figure it out with Maman.” Dani was tearing up too. “So you better not be planning on getting rid of me.”

“Okay,” Ada choked out, laughing between tears. “Okay.”

They sat silently, watching the sunrise.

———

“Jordan? Hey,” Dani said at the O’Hare airport lounge. Her arms were crossed over her chest, AirPods in

“What’s up, Dani? You made it to the airport okay?” He sounded sleepy but concerned.

“Yup! All good on that front. I’m in Chicago. But I wanted to talk to you about Maman.”

“Maman?”

“Yeah,” Dani heaved a breath. “You know … she treats me differently than you, right?”

A long silence, then, “If this is about me not helping you clean, I’m sorry, Dani. This was like the one week the cleaninglady couldn’t come in, and they were all these emergencies, and –”

“She let you hire a cleaning lady?” Dani’s hurt and anger rose up. “She never let me do that. Said it was a waste of money, didn’t want any strangers in her her house.”

Jordan was silent for a moment. “Did she not tell you?” He said quietly, angrily. “The compensation from the doctor who misdiagnosed her finally came in.” He cleared his throat. “She pays for a cleaning lady, a nurse and a meal service now.”

Dani was burning up. “I’m not coming back. I’m staying in Alaska.”

“What?! Listen, I thought she told you. I thought you liked taking care of her!”

“I literally moved thousands of miles to get away from her!” She yelled.

The whole lounge looked over.

Ada stood up behind her and squeezed her shoulder. Dani put her hand on top of Ada’s, just holding on.

“I – I didn’t think. Jordan said lamely.

“When did she get the compensation?”

“What?

“When did she get the compensation?”

Jordan went silent. “A few weeks before you decided to move. I thought that was why you went. Because it was okay now.”

“It was never okay, Jordan. Dani hissed. “I barely survived, keeping things as she liked and perfect for when you and Dad get home.” She swallowed her fury. “I get to live my life now, Jordan. I love you, Papa and Maman. But I’m disappointed in you all.”

Dani could hear him crying through the phone. Some big sister part of her wanted to make it stop, hated herself for making her baby brother cry.

But the truth needed to be said.

“I love you, Jordan,” she repeated. “And I always will. Call me if you need me or have a question about Maman‘s care. I’m not gone forever.”

A sniffle. “I don’t think maman is going to get better.”

Dani pressed her hand to her mouth to cover up her sob. Her breath hitched anyway. “I don’t think so, either. I’ll come help when she – when it happens. But for now, I need some space.”

Another sniffle. “OK, Dani. A beat, then, “I’m sorry I never stepped in for you. I know she and Papa were always,” sniff, “harder on you than me.”

“Thanks, J, she said simply. “Love you.”

“Love you too. Text me when you’re back safe?”

“Yeah. Bye.”

Ada came around and hugged her tight. “Do you need to go and clean up?” She asked, nodding her head to the bathroom.

Dani nodded, trying really hard to hold her tears back.

Ada grabbed their stuff, sacrificing their seats to a young couple with two children who had been loudly complaining about the lack of seats and that parents had it hard.

Ada helped her clean up and kissed her when it was done. “You okay?”

Dani shook her head and held her forehead against Ada’s, just breathing her in. “About this? I probably won’t ever be, not completely. But thank you.” She leaned back and shook a finger. “Don’t you start psychoanalyzing me, doctor. Conflict of interest.”

Ada chuckled, their warmth soaking into Dani’s heart like a bomb. “I’m still working on that doctor part, darling.”

“Oh, so it’s all right then.”

Together, they rejoined the lounge, and resigned themselves to standing. They’d be sitting for the rest of the day on the plane, anyway.

———

To Dani and Ada‘s delight, the flight attendant informed them that they had been bumped up to first class for their flight straight to Anchorage.

The loud family who stole their lounge seats looked at them with poison in their hearts.

Dani and Ada did not care.

———

Dani and Ada had both been busy at work, Dani catching up on her hours and Ada catching up on her patients. It was August when they finally had a time where both were free, neither were tired and it was a clear sky.

“The long sunsets are going away.” Dani observed as they walked towards the where the Pacific Ocean became the inlet.

“Yes, but tonight’s perfect for the for seeing a really good aurora. You ready?”

“You bet, babe.”

The two eventually settled in a clear spot, the wind gently whipping away the genuine heat of that day.

Dani pulled out some curry colombo and crab farci, the spices for which she brought home in her luggage from New Jersey. She was finally getting into cooking for herself.

Ada pulled out some slightly thawed kumlaneq and niinamayak. The niinamayak tasted just right when thrown in with the curry – and Ada had been working on her spice tolerance.

They ate peace for a while.

Then Ada turned away. “I can’t tell you everything.” She finally said, face hidden.

“Huh?”

“I can’t tell you all my secrets,” Ada said. “Some of them are things I share. My family’s berry patches, I won’t share with anyone except with any kids I have. The secrets my patients tell me. Even what my dad likes to put in uquq to make it so sweet. But everything I can’t tell you, I’ll tell you that I have to hold back if you ask. And everything else, is yours.” She turned away to grab a crêpe.

Dani gently put her hand on Ada‘s shoulder and kissed her. “Thank you. That’s enough for me, babe. I’ll do the same for you.” Then she handed Ada some jam. “Finally the famous nagoonberry jam! You made me wait months for this!”

Ada took it and thanked her. “You ready?”

“You bet!”

The hype was not unfounded. It was naturally sweet – Dani could tell hardly any sugar was added – and a little savory. Ada’s aata Greg probably couldn’t resist cutting in a little uquq. There was hardly any citrus taste, just enough to heighten the sweetness - it was clearly added by someone who knew their jam. It also tasted slightly of the sea – there was a good chance Greg had sourced the salt from the ocean to get just the right taste.

“This is delicious! I can’t believe you would hold this out on me!”

Ada grinned. “I owed Barry a lot for a favor he did me a couple years ago. I just finished paying it off, then he introduced me to you.” They winked. “Looks like I owe him again. Better memorize the taste – he’s got one hell of a sweet tooth. You probably won’t be getting any for a while.”

“No, this is mine now. He can get his own,” Dani said with a devilish smile. She glanced up and - “Oh my God! It’s here!”

The couple laid back on the blanket and watch the aurora dance its way across the sky.

It made Dani’s heart feel light, and strange.

She squeezed at Ada’s hand. “I think the only thing more beautiful than this is you.”

Ada spluttered, then smiled and gave her a kunik. “You're cheesy.”

Dani gave her one back. “And yet it works on you.”

Ada squeezed her hand and turned back to the lights above them. “To us.”

“To us,” Dani echoed.

And the aurora danced on.

———

This post is VERY long, so I split up the glossary and the explanation. Enjoy!

Glossary

Explanation

The following are footnotes from within the story

⁂ A dual form is the term that specifically refers to two objects. Like how with English, adding an -s to the end of a noun makes it plural, but Iñupiaq has a way to make it clear that there’s just two nouns, and not one or many.

So one person is Iñupiaq, two people are Iñupiak, and any more than that is Iñupiat. Same q/k/t rules apply to most nouns. The language is referred to as Iñupiaq. The Iñupiat people are neighbors and cousins of the Inuit, but are a different culture entirely. Same thing with the Yup’ik.

† There’s a cool book called, ‘The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian’ by Sherman Alexie. It’s about a Spokane Indian* boy named Arnold who learns to code-switch (change himself to fit within one’s original culture and that of the majority) to survive going to a better school off his reservation. It’s meant for young teens and up, and it’s totally worth the read. I’m pretty sure it was my introduction to modern Indigenous characters - historically, they usually only portrayed in conjunction with early colonization efforts, AKA the cowboy genre and the like, from the point of view of the colonizers.

*Indigenous is a rallying, unifying term for (generally) all peoples originally found in lands that were so heavily colonized that they are now the minority. So the Koori of Australia are Indigenous, but the Akan people of Ghana are not, despite both being colonized. Indigenous in this usage is fairly new. Usually if someone uses that term as a self descriptor, they’re young. It unifies peoples from all over the world.

Native American is a legal term to describe all peoples with ‘enough’ blood connection to the Indigenous people of the contiguous United States of America, where the blood quantum is determined by the state and not by actual connection to those cultures. This is a huge problem that legally separates actual Indigenous people from their cultures and rights just because someone(s) in their family married outside the culture. Most Indigenous people do not like to be called this, but would prefer it over slurs or inaccurate guesses.

Indian (or American Indian or Amerindian) is the historical term that many older Indigenous people use as another pan-Indigenous rallying term. While many do not like it or the inaccuracy and bloody history behind calling Indigenous Americans (both continents) ‘Indians’, a lot of people were upset when the (USA**) government changed the legal term to Native American. It’s because they did not get a choice in the matter. So many people still use it because they decided it’s their word to reclaim (which it totally is). However, mostly Indigenous people within the USA have reclaimed the word - in other areas it is a non-issue or is considered rude or out-dated. And it’s more popular with older people.

**Other modern countries in the Americas do/used to call their Indigenous peoples Indians. Some have kept that name (such as Chile, though they say ‘Indios’, which is Indians in Spanish), some have not. For example, the Indigenous peoples of modern-day Canada are now called ‘First Nations’ by the Canadian government, but were once called Indians.

So to review: Indigenous is the younger identity word that covers all populations that were colonized and are now a minority in their historical lands. Native American is the legal term as used by the United States for Indigenous peoples originally from nations in the contiguous USA. And Indian is the preferred term by older Indigenous people in those areas. The label ‘Eskimo’ is also preferred in a similar fashion for the Inuit people, and more broadly, the Indigenous peoples of Alaska and north/western Canada. See footnote 5 later in the story for the idea in context.

However, the most polite thing to do is to not mention anybody’s ethnicity unless they bring it up themselves. If you must talk about it, then use the most specific terms possible to be polite. That’s why I mention that Arnold in that book is Spokane, and did not use the very loose term ‘Native American’.

❧ So there’s the Indigenous Kalinago people of the island of Dominica. They were once called Caribs - and thus the Caribbean Sea was named - but that was from a misunderstanding on Christopher Colombus’s part. Carib likely just meant ‘brave warrior’. So in 2015, the people legally changed their name to Kalinago, their original name. Kalinago is the plural form, and Karifuna is the singular form. So Dani is Karifuna, and Dani, her maman and her brother Jordan are Kalinago.

∵ A kunik is like a greeting kiss in terms of intimacy. But it’s not just for romantic partners. One (or two! It can be mutual!) people will hold their nose close to the other’s skin, and breathe them in. It’s like loving someone so much, one just has to breathe their atiq, their spirit, in. A lot of ***Alaskan Native Peoples practice this, as their mouths were often covered outside during the long winter months (to keep water and warmth in). An ‘Eskimo kiss’ is a bastardized version of a kunik - it does not usually involve rubbing noses together.

***Alaskan Native is a legal term for the Indigenous peoples of Alaska. They get slightly different rights and restrictions by identifying as such and not ‘Native American’. The Indigenous Hawaiian (Native Hawaiian) people have a similar deal with the USA government. Both Indigenous Alaskans and Hawaiians prefer this legal distinction - while both got the shorter end of the stick, they still have a better deal with the government than the Indigenous peoples lumped under the category ‘Native American’. However, ‘Alaskan Natives’ prefer to be referred to their individual ethnicities (Yup’ik, Athabaskan, etc.) or Eskimo when relevant, and ‘Native Hawaiians’ prefer ‘Kānaka Maoli’, ‘Indigenous Hawaiians’ or just ‘Hawaiians’.

¤ This is an example of where older terms, such as Indian and Eskimo, are still used, because both Indigenous groups lumped under those old labels got to choose the name themselves. Despite ‘Native American’ and ‘Alaskan Native’ (respectively) being the legally correct terms according to the modern USA government, both groups like exercising their autonomy by sticking with the names they chose, despite the terms being legally out-dated. The WEIO’s name is a case where tradition and pride combine well.

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

My journey through John Oliver's IMDB page that I've been doing in the last few days (summary: his old Cambridge doc got taken off YouTube, I got paranoid about how I'm glad I'd saved that but this is a reminder that nothing stays on the internet forever so you need to save the stuff you want to keep, this escalated too quickly into me buying a new external hard drive just to see how much of his IMDB page I can download and put in one place) has brought me through a documentary about Russell Howard from 2021. I previously knew that documentary existed, but I hadn't watched it because even before Russell doubled down on the Jordan Peterson thing enough for me to be done watching his stuff (I ignored the mild comments for months before he actually invited Peterson onto his show and made ignoring it impossible), I didn't need to see a documentary about how the pandemic made life difficult for an extremely rich and successful touring comedian.

However, I learned today that John Oliver had a credit in the documentary, so obviously I immediately downloaded it. To be honest I haven't watched the whole thing, I just skipped through it in search of the John Oliver bits. Because I have given up on Russell Howard, but his former connection to the Chocolate Milk Gang, and my hobby of cataloguing all Chocolate Milk Gang history, is the only thing that will make me temporarily suspend my closely held principles such as a hard line against all Jordan Peterson apologists. I did the same thing with his recent podcast, rolling my eyes when I first saw it announced because surely he doesn't need another platform and Britcom doesn't need another bland podcast, until I saw that there would be a John Oliver episode and obviously I listened to that one.

Anyway, the point is that there was some fun Chocolate Milk Gang history in the documentary, I've cut out the relevant clip:

The Chocolate Milk Gang goes by many names. Andrew Maxwell apparently called them "the guys with the bags". Stewart Lee has called them "The hanging around gang". In a discussion with Richard Herring they were labeled "the nerds of the circuit". But here we have a new one: the golden generation. A name coined by Russell Howard and then immediately and entirely justifiably ripped apart by John Oliver, what good stuff. I greatly enjoyed that. Someone should make a Chocolate Milk Gang documentary. I could probably cut together a Chocolate Milk Gang documentary from all the media files I've hoarded. See how many names they've been given over the years.

Based on the ten or so minutes I watched, I think I might genuinely be capable of putting together better videos than the person who made this Russell Howard documentary, the editing on it looks surprisingly amateur-ish for a film about such a huge mainstream star. However, it did provide me with very slightly (only very slightly, but still) higher quality versions of a couple of CMG-related images I had seen before, but had only seen in terrible quality, so it's nice to have those a little clearer:

And I hadn't seen this one before, I don't think Andy Zaltzman changed in appearance at all between 2003 and about 2017.

Oh and Steve Hall shows up at the end, which is fun. I like that guy. I like Steve Hall probably too much, given the fact that the main thing I've heard him do is be quite gross on several episodes Daniel Kitson's radio show in 2007-2008. But it was really funny. Those episodes made me laugh almost constantly and I recommend them to absolutely no one, no one should ever hear that. Though it's not the only thing I've heard him do. I have to be the only person in the world who watched the We Are Klang sitcom in 2023 just for one actor, but that actor was not Greg Davies. Oh and Steve Hall was in that Late 'n' Live recording from 2007, but that's not a lot better for making him respectable. He writes on The Russell Howard Hour and on some level I know he was probably involved in bringing in Jordan Peterson and probably if I asked Steve Hall to tell me all his political opinions I wouldn't be able to enjoy his old sitcom anymore, but luckily he doesn't have a big enough platform to tell us all his opinions so I'll just assume it's fine.

@lastweeksshirttonight, tagging you in case you don't happen to see this post because you'll really enjoy that video clip, it is relevant to your interests.

[lcveaffairs]

(—) ★ spotted!!  KARTER WINDSOR on the cover of this week’s most recent tabloid! many say that the 33 year old looks like MICHAEL B JORDAN, but i don’t really see it. while  the FORMER PRINCE / REALITY TV STAR / INFLUENCER is known for being CUNNING my inside sources say that they have a tendency to be UNRELIABLE i swear, every time i think of them, i hear the song DOGTOOTH BY TYLER THE CREATOR  { he/him / cis male} - penned by IVY, 21, CISFEMALE, SHE / HER

hi luvs !!! i'm ivy :)) so happy to see you all ! please excuse my bad timing and bad impulse control , i just kept typing HAHA but can't wait to write with you !!

𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐒𝐓𝐈𝐂𝐒 :

name : karter antonio windsor age : thirty - three birthday : june 4th sign : gemini - gasp !! birthplace : london , england career : formerly , prince ! now . . . reality tv star & social media heartthrob !

𝐁𝐀𝐂𝐊𝐆𝐑𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐃 :

soo for those who hadn't already guessed , karter completes the windsor siblings trio ! he was formerly prince of uk until a few years ago , when their parents relinquished the royal title & moved them all to america !

but let's take a few steps back. before all this , honestly , karter had very few complaints with his royal life. he always felt like he was made for a life of luxury and attention , and he'd practically come out the womb trying to charm those around him. he enjoyed his privilege and wasn't shy in using it , often grinning at all the house staff when he'd act up and asking them not to tell his parents about whatever trouble he got into.

the more stiff , less idealized parts of royalty didn't appeal to him , however. in fact , there were probably pictures released of him falling asleep during royal ceremonies & trying to escape LMAO ! it was w relatively selfish intentions , honestly , his thought always being why put so much effort into something that matters so little to me ? i wouldn't be surprised if his parents constantly had to wrangle him growing up !!

but his redeeming quality def was his charisma as i mentioned. though most can agree he wasn't the most poised prince , he was very approachable & generally not ultra uppity ? and for that , he did best in public appearances , service projects , etc. basically he was like ... i want you to adore me but not worship me !

anyways , when he got to america the best way i can explain it is modern giselle from enchanted HA ! like ... he was so overwhelmed w all this newfound freedom , not only from moving but no longer being a royal ? and well ... he went crazy.

karter wasn't even there a week before the paparazzi had pictures of him club hopping , dancing over everyone , and being an absolute mess !! sure , there were those who he knew were only talking to him for his status , but he didn't mind. in fact ... part of him liked how his title could make people's heads turn , for better or for worse. because at least they were looking at him.

i find it entirely canon that when approached by the paparazzi regarding his chaotic life he said - " if you want the royal story , read my parent's book ! but if you want to know the karter story , just turn on tmz ! i'm sure you'll find me there. "

yeah .... guys he's one of my most chaotic muses yet HAHA !!!

but soon the appeal of mindless partying wore off , and so did the intrigue of the former prince moving to town. he wanted more attention , and didn't want it to stop with his title.

so , in 2021 , he starred in a too hot to handle-esque reality show , very steamy & scandalous vibes ?? i probably don't have to explain that he had an absolute field day but ! it also blew him up once again , w him developing a new sub-set of fans who now knew him as reality tv karter , not just former prince karter !

on the show i imagine he was the epitome of this gifset , but also always saying the most off the wall quotable things during his confessionals ? and essentially became one of those people you love to hate.

so ever since , he's been wiggling his way into the mainstream influencer / celebrity culture for his own projects ! since he's done numerous modeling gigs for big companies , had small roles on several entertainment networks , and currently is guest starring as a returning contestant for the reality show he starred in !

he wanted to give acting a try but is lowkey terrified no one would take him seriously & they'd only gonna cast him for comedic relief roles. not because he wouldn't like it but like ... he would hate to feel like that's all he can do ??

fitness has always been incredibly important to him , though , and when he moved to america he had a desire to do something of true meaning that would allow him to generate his own income. his big project right now though is trying to open an exclusive gym in hollywood , where celebrities can work out amongst each other without the prying eyes of the public ! it's still in the works , but he's looking for help to get him started up !

so most of his own income has come from public appearances & sponsorships , and since most of that is getting saved up for the gym he's living relatively below his means.

his relationship w his parents has also grown incredibly complicated now , as he hasn't exactly been the model son of the year , and at the age of 33 is still making a life of clubbing and chaos. but more than that , he's been more distant from his parent's lately , as he feels close association always is going to group him as a royal and not as his own person ? so he's been more distant than usual , and he feels guilty as hell , but hasn't done much about it , either.

𝐓𝐑𝐈𝐕𝐈𝐀 :

I SWEAR i try so hard to keep these short and they never are ... here's to making sure i keep this personality section reeeal concise !

ok so i think i got most the obvious things out the way via his background , but as you can tell this man is a lothario !! full of charisma , heeeavy flirt , adores attention but doesn't know how to keep a relationship to save his life.

honestly though ... smarter than he comes across ! those who first meet him might think he's a himbo , because he can come across as pretty aloof , but well-meaning ! the truth is though , he is smarter than he seems , he just doesn't like to share everything w the public , but wants them to feel like they know everything. by " dumbing down " his image to a party guy he keeps the headlines about him predictable and frequent , but keeps them away from the things that truly matter to him in life.

in the romantic sense , though , he is horrid at relationships bc he a.) he doesn't want one b.) he can't tell he can come across as such an asshole sometimes by being so blunt ?? he doesn't want a relationship , and since he can be self-centered , doesn't understand that other people may ? he also sees himself as a walking red flag after all the news about him so doesn't expect those to approach him to be in the market for something seriously anyways.

part of him hates this , though , because he feels like he can't be taken seriously. numerous brands he's tried working with clown him bc of his background , and he struggles to make true friends in america bc he feels like they're all either clout chasers or just see him as someone to party with !!

that being said , he can come across as emotionally guarded bc he doesn't know who he can trust. but when he trusts you ?? ugh this man is fiercely loyal ! almost to a fault. bc on that token , he can be incredibly protective and will go to war for those he loves.

when you truly get to know him below his exterior , i would say he radiates golden retriever energy. very clingy & affectionate , dotes heavily on those he loves , as well as constantly poking fun of his loved ones in healthy doses.

when they first moved to the us , he had intended to adopt a german shepard who would accompany him on his runs , only to realize he'd said the wrong name when he asked them about the dog rescue. well out came this little yorkie and well .... he felt too bad to complain , and now he has a 8 pound dog named zoe who he accidentally fell in love with and yes she still accompanies him on his runs !!

sidenote i need to remind myself ivy u literally won't have anything else to write w people if you keep typing !! so i'm gonna stop myself here because otherwise i won't shut up !! pls i would love to plot w u all and i'm so excited to be with you MWAH !

𝐖𝐂𝐒 :

costars !! i'm keeping the premise relatively vague on purpose , but at some point in 2021 karter starred in a show similar to too hot to handle !! so i would love it if some of his costars were still around , esp if they had drama on the show ? or alternatively , someone who the show did evil editing on to make it seem like they had a rivalry when they were actually cool w each other !

roomies question mark ?? if this doesn't happen i'll probably have it be canon he lives on his own ! but tbh i could see karter being in the chaos spawn that is a content house ! probably 25+ leaning since idk i don't think he needs to be living up w people too much younger than him efjjefoijeoi ! but i think it could be so fun to have a hype house vibe except like ... they're all a little older and so it gives it a bit of a different vibe !

exes !! you'll soon see i love a messy plot so any sort of ex would be great. bitter , still a little in love , a relationship that never really became a thing , high school sweethearts ( if somehow they were in the uk lol ! )

current fwbs , messy or not ! he has both drama-filled and more tame situationships , so this could go anyway !

the one that got away ? i feel like there's max oooone person who karter truly thought he could love at some point or another. but maybe sh*t happened and they didn't make it out together. would totally love a more angst leaning plot where there could potentially still be lingering feelings but not necessarily !!

if there's any other muses from the uk , i'd also love to see childhood-oriented / long-term connections ! he's also probably much closer to them than most others in hollywood which would give a different side of him for sure !

enemies / frenemies !! i definitely think there's people who don't like karter and i would love to see some muses he has a more tense relationship w !! honestly he's drawn to people who don't like him bc he's ultra-competitive and it makes him want them to like him that much more. but on the other hand , maybe also someone he has a mutual nemesis-sort of relationship w , and who's twitter feuds are constantly making celeb gossip news ?

former tour guide also !! i assume karter's probably been to america at some point before moving , but regardless it was definitely a culture shock not only moving but to no longer be treated as royalty ?? so i think it'd be super fun to have someone who showed him the ropes around ( maybe even hollywood specifically for those who were born into the life ) , and grow close in the process ! we could also do flashback threads for this of their adventures if u would like !

any and everything else. <3 if i can think of anything better , i'll add it , but truly i love nearly everything & totally like just talking it out as well !! never feel afraid to hit me up bc if you don't have an idea , we can plot it out 'till we do !! <3

[discoveringorthodoxy]

St. Seraphim of Sarov the Wonderworker

Christ is Baptized in the Jordan by John!

Hello my brothers and sisters in Christ! I pray that you all continue to have a blessed Theophany and blessed new year! Today I would like to look into the life of St. Seraphim of Sarov, one of the most beloved Saints in recent Orthodox history. I have seen a lot of quotes from this saint but I never knew much about him. I only knew that he was often depicted with a bear. Why is that? Why is he so well loved? Today we're going to find out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Prokhor Moshnin (Feast Day: 2 January) was born in the town of Kursk on July 30th in either the year 1754 or 1759. He was born into the family of a wealthy eminent merchant. He lost his father, Isidore, at a young age and was brought up by his pious widowed mother, Agathia. Since he was a child, Prokhor would read the Holy Scripture and go to church services daily. One day, he fell from a bell tower of the church his father had started building before his death. However, a miracle happened and Prokhor was alive and unharmed (St. Seraphim of Sarov).

When Moshnin was around 9 or 10 years old, be became gravely ill. One day, the most holy Mother of God appeared to him in a dream, telling him that she was going to heal him. When Agathia put him up to the miracle-working icon of the Mother of God called "The Sign", he was miraculously healed.

When he was 19, the saint felt a call to follow the monastic path after visiting the monastery of Sarov. So, Agathia blessed him and gave him a large crucifix made out of copper, which St. Seraphim would wear over his clothes until the day he passed. At the age of 20, he joined the Sarov Monastery as a novice.

In 1780, the Saint was stricken with a sickness which he endured for three years, until the Theotokos healed him, appearing to him with the Apostles Peter and John (Seraphim the Wonderworker of Sarov).

In 1786, Prokhor was tonsured a monk and was given the name Seraphim, after the holy Hieromartyr Seraphim, Bishop of Phanarion (Dec. 4). St. Seraphim was ordained a hierodeacon and then a hieromonk. He served the Divine Liturgy every day and in his love for God, continually added labours to labours. Once, during the Divine Liturgy of Holy Thursday, he was counted worthy of a vision of the Lord Jesus Christ, who appeared encompassed by the heavenly hosts (Seraphim the Wonderworker of Sarov). After this vision, St. Seraphim gave himself over to greater labors.

In 1794, St. Seraphim got a blessing from the Monastery's Hegumen Nicodemus to become a hermit. So, he took up the solitary life in a cell in the forest, where he lived in a remote cabin. The Saint devoted most of his time to praying, fasting, reading the Gospel, and working in his vegetable garden (St. Seraphim of Sarov). He spent 1000 successive nights being awake and praying on his knees. This period of extreme asceticism lasted about 15 years and his only visitors were wild animals.

Once while living in isolation, St. Seraphim was assaulted by robbers who severely injured him. They broke his chest and his head with their blows, leaving him almost dead. Even though he could have defended himself, he did not and completely forgave the robbers for their crime. St. Seraphim began to recover after receiving another appearance from the Theotokos, who was accompanied by the Apostles Peter and John. The Theotokos pointed to St. Seraphim and said to him, "This is one of my kind" (Seraphim the Wonderworker of Sarov).

In 1810, after being weakened by his more than human struggles, St. Seraphim returned to the monastery, where he lived as a recluse until 1825. For the first five years of his reclusion, he spoke to no one at all and very little is known about this period. After five years, he began receiving visitors, giving them counsel and consolation to ailing souls.

In 1825, he had another vision of the Mother of God, who blessed him to become an elder. She revealed to him that it was pleasing to God that he fully end his seclusion. Thousands of people would come to him for advice and blessing. People remembered the elder as extremely meek and joyful, greeting everyone with the words, "My joy, Christ is risen!" It was also at the command of the Theotokos that St. Seraphim undertook the spiritual direction of the Diveyvo Convent. The Saint healed "body ailments, foretold things that were to come, brought hardened sinners to repentance, and saw clearly the secrets of the heart of those who came to him" (Seraphim the Wonderworker of Sarov).

The last time the most holy Theotokos appeared to St. Seraphim was on Annunciation in 1831. She announced to him that he would soon enter into his rest. The holy Virgin was accompanied by twelve-virgin martyrs and monastic saints with St. John the Baptist and St. John the Theologian.

Shortly before his death, St. Seraphim became very ill. And less than two years after his last vision of the Theotokos, he fell asleep in peace on January 2, 1833. He was found asleep by his cell attendant standing on his knees in front of the icon of the Mother of God.

On the night of his repose, the righteous Philaret of the Glinsk Hermitage behind his soul ascending to Heaven in light. Because of the universal testimony to the holiness of his life, and the multitude of miracles that he performed in life and death, St. Seraphim's veneration quickly spread outside of Russia to the whole world (Seraphim the Wonderworker of Sarov). And on July 19, 1903, St.Seraphim of Sarov was canonized by the Orthodox Church.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

St. Seraphim of Sarov is often depicted with a bear in his icons. The story behind this is as follows:

One day Matrona, one of the nuns at the monastery, saw St. Seraphim sitting on a tree trunk in the company of a bear. Being terrified, she let out a scream. The elder, seeing her, patted the bear and sent him away. He then invited the nun to sit beside him. But, they had barely sat down together when the bear returned from the wood and came and lay at St. Seraphim's feet. Matrona was terrified but when she saw that St. Seraphim was unconcerned. He was treating the bear like a lamb, stroking him and giving him bread. When Matrona was wholly reassured, the Elder gave her a piece of bread and said: "You needn't be the least afraid of him, he won't hurt you." So, she held out the bread to the bear, and felt great joy as it ate the bread.

Seeing how much Matrona was enjoying feeding the bear, Fr. Seraphim said: "You remember the story of St. Jerome feeding a lion in the desert? Well, here we've got a bear obeying us."

"The sisters would die of fright if they saw such a sight!" Matrona exclaimed.

"They won't see it," replied the Elder.

"I'd be very sad if anyone killed him," Matrona went on.

"Nobody will kill him and nobody except yourself will see him," answered Fr. Seraphim.

Matrona was rejoicing at the thought of telling the sisters about it, but Elder Seraphim, reading her thoughts, said to her, "'No, my joy, you're not to tell anyone until eleven years after my death. Then God will show you whom to tell."

A day came years after St. Seraphim's death where Matrona went past an artist's studio in the monastery. The artist was working on a portrait of the Elder in the forest on a tree trunk. "You really must paint the bear!" Matrona told him. "What bear?" the artist asked in surprise. Then Matrona told him the story and remembered the Elder's words. Eleven years had gone by since his repose (Carlson).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

St. Seraphim of Sarov is indeed a holy and blessed man. His life alone shows the beauty of God's grace and love for all of us. There were many times where St. Seraphim could have fallen to illness, but through the Theotokos, God healed him. He had every opportunity to give up and not fully commit himself to God. For example, the 1000 nights of prayer. If I did that now, I wouldn't make it very long. But St. Seraphim, through the grace of God, did.

I love the words that he greeted everyone with: "My joy, Christ is risen!". I might start doing the same to my brothers and sisters.

And the fact that he reposed while praying to God is the most beautiful thing. If I had to choose how I'd die, that is the death I'd seek.

The story behind the bear is also beautiful. I think it's interesting how his words about revealing the story of the bear came true. And St. Seraphim was so peaceful and holy that a wild bear felt safe to lie at his feet. It is truly a testament to the kind of person St. Seraphim was.

Until next time and may God bless all of you!

Love your sister in Christ,

Joanna

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Works Cited:

Carlson, Kristofer “The Story of St Seraphim of Sarov and the Bear.” Why Mary Matters, 3 Sept. 2017, http://wmm.dormitionpress.org/archives/1285.

“Seraphim the Wonderworker of Sarov .” Greek Orthodox Archdiocese of America, Greek Orthodox Archdiocese of America, https://www.goarch.org/chapel/saints?contentid=366.

“St. Seraphim of Sarov.” Https://Obitel-Minsk.org/, St. Elisabeth Convent, https://obitel-minsk.org/st-seraphim-of-sarov.

[thursdaygrl]

Jordan bit their tongue. This was a dangerous game they were playing, toying with this notion of wanting one another though they'd had that conversation about being cool. Or, well, Jordan had it, laying down the bricks of moving past that hot and heavy moment in the studio and the oddly tender moment that followed it. They'd meant it, they didn't expect anything and they didn't want anything to get in the way of their dancing together, but there was an ease to being around her following it that hadn't been there originally. They held hook-ups at an arm's length, never the same person more than a couple times in order to aid in no one getting attached. It hadn't always helped, but they hadn't struggled with being cold and nipping things in the bud. If Marie wasn't Marie, the hopeful, sweet tone of her voice would have put them off and destroyed any chance of them making their way over to someone's place. She wasn't anyone, though and she was being honest, admitting that she did want them to come over. They almost resented her for it. "I see..." They swallowed, listening as she addressed the elephant in the room. This wasn't serious, they both knew that... and her roommate wasn't home... and she was thinking about what they'd done. "Bet you were, yeah." They said smugly, leaning back on one of their palms, just listening to the cadence of her voice, imagining what her face looked like as she spoke and feeling heat under their sweats at the thought. Maybe they should have let her down easy, but they knew they weren't going to. They knew even before she uttered that word that made them utterly melt when it came from her lips. "You're a fuckin' brat, wielding that word. I was already gonna say yes. Think maybe we could both use the tension relief." It was an easy excuse, the first one to come to mind. "I'll be over in like ten."

It was then that they realised that they'd answered her call without shifting and they felt a strange tug of discomfort, wondering if Marie had noticed or found it strange. They hadn't had a lot of time to live comfortably in both forms recently, mostly just shifting on a whim at the end of practices, almost to stop themselves sometimes from flirting a little too hard with their pas de deux partner. Or so they wouldn't get hard when the dancing took a turn for a little too itimate. Turning off their PS5, they got up from the bed and flit around their apartment, chugging half a bottle of water, shifting into their masculine form and freshening up quickly in the bathroom, very subtly styling their hair so it wouldn't sit flatly, though they knew Marie would mess it all up with those wandering, tugging hands of hers. Anticipation built as they finally left their apartment, keys and phone shoved into their pocket. It was barely more than an elevator ride down and they hadn't really needed the ten minutes after all, finding themselves at her apartment, a knowing smile on their lips as the door opened. They stepped past her into her place, almost playing coy. "They really give freshmen the crappiest of the apartments. Even the special ones. Kinda forgot what they looked like." Their eyes traced the room until they turned, gaze landing on Marie.

Marie said nothing for a moment, a warm smile adorning her face even if they couldn't see it. Because both of them could try and guess how she would’ve asked them, but they’d never know for sure. “So you were picturing me? That's hot,” she fired back, albeit softly. Their theory was unfortunately right, though; if she'd had the same conversation a week ago, confidence would’ve effortlessly radiated from her, especially if they’d taken things further the night of the party. But she hadn’t much to lose then; they danced, sure, but most of their time together was spent with tense muscles and apprehension, as if waiting for one of them to screw up, to say the wrong thing, to get under the other’s skin. But now? They’d found a good rhythm, one she valued. So, yeah, it was scary to affect that delicate balance for a moment of weakness. And it was even scarier to find out that maybe they could get away with it and not affect that carefully built rapport at all. Their question was clear and unambiguous, and although Marie was tempted to turn the tables on them and ask them if that was something they’d like to do, she chose to be achingly honest. “Yeah, I really do.” She laughed despite herself, kind of wishing she could blame her candor on the alcohol like she’d done on that very first night. But Marie Moreau was certainly not a coward, so she kept going, speaking as she began walking towards the love seat in the living room.

“I know we agreed to keep things easy, and I haven’t forgotten about it... but my roommate is out again, and she isn’t coming back until tomorrow night.” And God, she adored Emma, but didn’t that sound like an irresistible amount of time? “And I was thinking about you. About that day in the studio.” She tried to confess it like an afterthought, a memory that had crossed her mind, when in reality she just hadn’t been able to stop thinking about it at all. It was something—to be unable to watch their expression, to wonder if she had the same effect on them even when their eyes weren’t studying her. “So, I figured... If we wanna go for it just tonight, then it wouldn’t have to make anything complicated. We could see it as a do-over, just a way to make up for that Sunday.” The lies she was willing to tell herself were remarkable because they were in a very different place now. And yet, she still wanted them as much as she had that day. That much was obvious in the way she burned as she asked, all pretty and sweet, “What d’you say, Jordan? Wanna come over? Please?”

[rons-wheezely]

224 || G.W.

George Weasley x Reader, Soulmate AU

Genre: Fluff, humor

Summary: Each soulmate pair receives a special number to them, and them only, on the day they’re born into this world. The placement on the body can vary, so people usually keep to themselves unless they fancy someone or it’s displayed somewhere public. How do you go around explaining to your best friend that he’s the one?

A/N: i have been so inactive, I’m so sorry rip I am going to try to post a fic here and there, but I’m still a student doing student things... This blog recently turned 2 years old, and has reached about 300 followers, so thank you so much for those of you who have found me in the piles of other wonderful works :) I love you all from the bottom of my heart.

--x--

“Oh, do forgive me, Georgie,” you playfully shove him out of the way. He stumbles away from the shelf containing the last package of Fizzing Whizbees in time for you to snatch it into your hands. You hear him chuckle as he regains his balance behind you. It’s suffocatingly crowded with fellow students in Honeydukes, so he leans in close so you can hear him. 

His warm breath comes close to your ear, saying with a soft laugh,” At least share, alright?”

You tapped your chin thoughtfully as the smile plastered on your face turned into a smirk. You make your way to the cashier with George close behind. The candy in the box shake in your hands, and the decorative ring you’re wearing on your middle finger glimmers in the shop’s light. You call over your shoulder,” If you win the next match against Slytherin, I might.” 

This statement alone had George fist pump the air in satisfaction. Even if he lost, you would most likely share it anyways –– to cheer him up, of course. You two have been best friends since your first year when you cleverly evaded one of the twins’ pranks. It was a lucky guess, but the outcome left Fred and George tangled in a mess of burping up slugs for three hours. It was an easy friendship after that, other than the secret feelings you harbored for George, that is. 

Soon enough, the match came and the sight was an absolutely thrilling one. You watch as each player flies by, and each time the wind sweeps your hair in every direction. Fred and George are on a spectacular streak, and they never once miss the bludger. Thankfully you had a pair of binoculars and Lee Jordan’s commentary; the team was so small in the air that it was hard to tell what was happening.

Harry Potter was no doubt going to catch the snitch, and here he comes now swooping in underneath his teammates. He’s almost flat against his broomstick, urging it to go faster before Malfoy could get to the fluttering golden speck. All eyes are on Potter, and the boy is mere inches away. Just as his nimble fingers wrap around the snitch, another Gryffindor teammate drops from the air.

You can hear the subtle gasps from a few in the crowd who noticed. The Gryffindor team were too enraptured with Harry’s catch to notice that one of them was dropping ten, twenty, thirty meters to the ground. “George!” You cried.

As if sending a telepathic message to the other twin, though it is most likely he heard you yell as clear as day, Fred swoops down to save his brother from impact. You notice now that you're standing on your feet and leaning on the railing that separates you from your best friends on the field. You watch on in horror as Fred barely makes it in time. The breath you didn’t know you were holding finally escapes you, and your surroundings come back all at once. 

You hear the deafening silence and the sound of the wind blowing by. No one moves as they watch Fred land on the ground with George. It was Lee who ended the tension,” And with that, Gryffindor earns 130 points and has won the match…” 

All at once, everyone in the stands scrambles to get out. Elated with Harry’s catch and the twins’ safety, the student body goes their separate ways. You follow them as well and weave your way through the crowd to get to Fred and George. Panic fills your lungs, and every fiber in your body screams to make sure they’re okay.

“Fred!” You call out,” Are you two alright?”

“Yeah, no harm done to me,” he sighs,” –– Other than this git. A bludger whacked him straight on the side and he passed out on his ride down.” 

“It looks like it hurts… but it’s nothing Madame Pomfrey can’t handle, right?” You wince. You try to convince yourself that George is just sleeping a very deep, restful sleep.

“I reckon he’ll be fine, y/n.” Fred winks your way with a sly grin. “Visit him lots, yeah?”

Madame Pomfrey refused to let anyone in until she was done running some tests. When she finally let you visit, you rushed to sit next to George’s bedside. He stirred at your frantic movements and opened an eye to see you. “It’s not that bad is it?” He chuckles.

“She said that you’ve broken a few ribs, but you’ll be alright.” You smile. 

George sits up slowly, pretending to be in agonizing pain. You worry for a bit and reach out to him on instinct, but he laughs and tells you he’s okay. His torso is wrapped entirely with gauze over his clothes, and there are a few bandages wrapped around his forearms as well. Pomfrey had drawn a blanket over George earlier, so the white sheet still covered the lower half of his body. A moment goes by, and you hear a soft wheeze leaving George’s lips. “You don’t suppose my soulmate is into beaten up ginger-heads, do you?”

“Well,” you mull over your words. Pretending to take his question seriously, you answer,” they would have if you were Fred..” You laugh a little as you catch the glint in his eyes –– the mischievous one you had grown to love. 

“Oh, if only I looked exactly like that bloke.” He jokes. His head falls a little forward as he laughs. His gaze is drawn to his lap, and if you didn’t know any better, you’d say that he looked like those shy love interests in romantic muggle films. 

You notice that his fiery hair is covering his eyes, and your body compels you to get another glimpse of that wonderful boy’s face. Ever so gently, you reach your hand out and tuck a strand of his hair behind his ear. When your fingers curve around the back of his ear, you notice a few dark marks of what looks like a tattoo. Your eyebrows furrow together in confusion. You go to move more of his hair out of the way, but he turns his eyes to you. 

“Are you getting handsy with me y/n? Tryin’ to make a move, are you?” He smiles, but there is a small panic in his eyes as they frantically search yours. “You could’ve just asked me out, you know.”

“Is that your soulmate mark?” You ask.

“Maybe.”

“Well,” you huff playfully,” I might be able to tell you who your soulmate is. I might cry if your soulmate is Madame Pomfrey, though.”

“Is that a bad thing?” He asks, a playful tone in his voice.

"Georgie, please don’t tell me you have a thing for milfs.”

It takes everything in him to hold back his laughter. George pulls his hair back to reveal the numbers 224 etched behind his left ear. Your breath catches in your throat, but you try to hide your very obvious shock. 224 was a number you knew too well, and seeing that number reflected on your best friend’s skin meant that your deepest feelings were true. It’s okay to be in love with George because now... now there is chance he feels the same way.

Your mark is tattooed on the band of your middle finger, which is usually covered up by jewelry. You fidget with your rings nervously, trying to ground yourself all the while. George doesn’t pay too much attention to it when he says,“Fred has his numbers on his right ear. I might be the right-hand man, but he’s lucky enough to be the right-ear man.”

You laugh at his really bad pun,” Really? Out of all of the ear jokes, you chose that one?” 

“It made you laugh, didn’t it?” He nudges you with his shoulder, and you can’t help but giggle some more.

“Would you like to hear a fun fact?” You ask. You gulp down all of the fear that has started to swallow you whole. You are George’s soulmate. The idea buzzes in your head along with a million other thoughts. George nods for you to continue, and you fight the panicked urge to scream. “...In the muggle world, they have such advanced technology.”

“Yeah, dad would know––” George interjects for a second.

“The numbers 224 actually hold a meaning to them. It’s something like a code–– it’s related to their fancy devices I think? Anyways,” you take a deep breath. You remember vividly the details your friend went to great lengths explaining to you. 

“Your number is all kinds of special, y/n!” Mae beams at you. Her eyes twinkle in an amusing manner as she tries to prove herself. A soft thud could be heard when her hands meet with the common room table, and she quickly jumps to her feet. “Imagine, having such a fantastic number as that!” She exclaims with awe.

“I don’t understand?” You bemusedly remark. Why would numbers hold more meanings beyond your standard soulmate reason?

“My brother loves binary code, a certain muggle science,” she explains,” and he told me a few meanings. One of them being yours! Now, if only fate would tell us who your soulmate was...”

If Mae were in this room, she would be bursting at the seams from pure glee. You look into George’s eyes and say,” ...the numbers actually mean something along the lines of ‘Today, Tomorrow, Forever.’ It has to do with the bond you and your soulmate have together.“

He blinks once or twice before breaking out into a grin,” Okay, can you say it again but,” he emphasizes,” simpler, maybe?

“––it means that your soulmate will love an accident-prone idiot like you forever and always,” You joke halfheartedly.

The familiar gleaming smile he wore after a successful prank creeps up onto his face: one of self satisfaction and deserving of many awards based on looks alone. His smile is much gentler and you almost miss it, but a blush tints the very tips of his cheeks. “Oh? wait ‘till dad finds out that numbers have meanings to muggles. How’d you know all of this anyway?”

“Oh, it’s just something my friend talked to me about.” You dismiss his questioning gaze and clear your throat. Every second that passes makes you more and more anxious being around George, simply just by knowing you two are soulmates. It’s a dream come true, sure. But how do you go around explaining to your best friend that he’s the one?

“Are you alright, y/n?” George asks. “You seem real fidgety. Do you need to go somewhere?”

“Oh–– no, it just that,” you gulp. “Well.. I think left the Fizzing Whizbees back in my dorm room.” You lie. You know it’s in your bag with your other belongings, safely tucked away for later consumption. “Post-game snacks are essential, and I did make a promise.”

“Are you sure you left it there? I thought I saw it in your bag...” He leans over to find your bag, and sure enough, he pulls out the box of candy.

“Oh.” You look at him. There’s an awkward pause before he clears his throat.

“You’ve really got to get yourself together mate–– looks like Nearly Headless Nick showed you his neck hole again or something.” George jokes to lighten the mood, but he’s right. The longer you sit there and stare at him, the more you either want to slam your lips against his or vomit profusely. You feel pale and sickly; just enough to feel the twists and turns of your stomach. Is this what having butterflies feel like? He opens the bag of candy and offers you some.

You share the box of whizbees with him, taking one out and popping them into your mouth. It fizzes and jolts a little as the sweet taste melts on your tongue. “I think maybe Fred slipped something to me earlier,” you avert your gaze,” I’m not sure.”

“Yeah, sounds like Fred.” George grabs your hand and looks you in the eyes. He’s rubbing soothing circles on your hands, and it does seem to relax some of your nerves. He looks at you softly and gently, and all at once, your anxiety starts to melt away in his presence. You almost forget why you’re so worried in the first place. “You know I’m not going anywhere. If you have to take a massive shit, I’ll wait for you.” He says as he pats your hand reassuringly.

You erupt into laughter and shove him away. “And here I thought we were having a moment.”

“Nothing says true love like bowl movements, darling.”

As the laughter dies down, the somber feeling in your gut returns. It’s now or never, right? “George, I think I need to tell you something. I—“

Fred bursts into the door with Lee following shortly behind. “There’s my favorite twin!” He beams. He gets a disapproving look from Madame Pomfrey peering around the corner from her office. Fred doesn’t pay much attention, choosing to walk past her with barely a glance over his shoulder. George rolls his eyes as Fred happily trots over, spilling some liquid from two mugs in his hands. “—had to have Lee help sneak these in for the party, which you lot are missing out on.” He hands you a mug of butter beer and George, the other.

You decide to drop the subject even after George was free from the hospital bed. It’s a few weeks since then, and school has made you push those thoughts of pesky soulmates and true love aside. Of course, George kept looking at you funny, waiting for you to bring it up again. To his dismay, you didn’t.

“Alright everyone, class is dismissed.” Professor Sprout announces as she busies herself in setting up plants for the next day. It’s the last class of the day, and you couldn’t be happier. Repotting plants was hard work, and you were sweaty enough as it is. Beads of sweat dripped down the side of your face, and as much as you hated it, it did make for good eye candy across the room — namely George, although there’s a lot of dirt smudged onto his face too.

He’s cleaning up rather quickly so you call out to him,” Can you grab my rings, Georgie? They’re over there by my bag.” You had to remove jewelry in order to “safely handle” the creatures and wear proper gloves. Those of which you hastily pull off to wash your hands. The suds come and go as you lather and rinse away in the sink.

“Today, tomorrow, forever eh?” George’s deep voice rumbles in your ear. You jump a little at the sudden scare. “I think I like the sound of that, don’t you?”

You turn your head a little to the side and come very close to George’s face. You can feel his breath fanning on your skin, and his nose is just barely touching yours. You fear that if you blink, the sight in front of you will vanish. Every freckle that glitters his skin is so close you could count them like the stars and draw constellations between them if you wanted to. It’s absolutely breathtaking. Your body feels like it’s on a cloud— so feather light and airy— as he smiles at you. Your throat is dry; your tongue struggles to keep up with your thoughts. “...what?” You choke out. You cover your hands on impulse, but you know it’s too late.

“It means you’re stuck with me forever, y/n.” He grins. “Soulmate magic is no joke, you know.” He hands you your rings and walks beside you out of the greenhouse. You slip the rings on to your middle finger where it’s always resided, deciding to fidget with it a little.

Nothing should be different. You’re walking with George in the hallways like you always do, your hair is no different than yesterday, and class was the same as an other day. And yet your heart is beating faster and the sun seems to shine brighter. The grass is greener and the lake bluer than it was this morning. Words remain unspoken, but the truth is there. His fingers are interlocked with yours. 224.

[cowboy-eddie]

Humanised

I’m a simple woman; I see a video, I see a bts photo of Eddie with his hands raised, and my mind starts thinking of all the possibilities.

(I forgot a read more but it’s here now so. Y’know. Apologies for that)

“Eddie!”

Buck’s voice echoed through the warm night air, bouncing off every fire truck and police car on scene. Hen grabbed him by the arm, Bobby right behind and Buck hiccupped as he turned to Bobby. Bobby wrapped Buck in his arms, covering his ears for a moment as Buck held in a sob. That was when they heard it.

“I’m coming out! Don’t shoot!”

Buck lifted his head, eyes widening as Eddie appeared with his hands raised. The shooter appeared shortly after, his gun still to Eddie’s head. Buck locked eyes with Eddie, internally willing him to stay calm even though he knew Eddie was military trained for situations like this.

It was different now, though. He had Christopher to think about. If he died, Shannon wouldn’t be there to-

But Buck would be. He’d keep Christopher safe. Make sure he knew he was loved.

humanised

The hostage negotiator approached Buck and Bobby, clearing her throat.

“I understand that Eddie has military training?” She said. Bobby nodded.

“He does, but he’s been going through a lot personally. We’d prefer it if we didn’t have to give him some signal and hope he got it.”

“I do have another plan. Buckley, you and Eddie are very close. I want to use that, if you’ll let me. You see, that man?”

She pointed toward the man with a gun pointed at Eddie’s head. In the headlights from the police cars, Buck could see Eddie was sweating. He wasn’t crying, but he was definitely sweating.

“That man had a family of his own. A wife, three kids. If we can work with his humanity, and humanise Eddie at the same time, we might have a chance of getting him out of this without force.”

“You mean without shooting him?” Buck snapped. Bobby glanced at Buck, whose shoulders had tensed up and his face had pinched into a tight expression.

“Yes. I want a sniper to be our last course of action, especially because Eddie was shot by one last year and that will instigate too many traumatic memories. He could become catatonic, and we need him switched on.”

Buck opened his mouth to protest, maybe tell the woman that Eddie wouldn’t dissociate like that, but he’d seen it recently. It was more likely than he’d like to admit.

“Okay. What do you want me to do?” Buck finally said.

“Come with me.”

humanised

“Hey, Rodger. My- my name is Evan Buckley. I work with LAFD and that- that guy you’ve got there? That’s my best friend, Eddie Diaz.”

Rodger’s wild eyes looked to Buck, gun pressing harder into Eddie’s temple. Buck winced, watching the way Eddie’s hands shifted from raised in surrender to behind himself. What the hell was he doing?

“What the hell do you want?” Rodger snapped. Buck swallowed.

“Rodger, listen to me. Eddie is a dad; just like you. He- he’s got a little boy. His name is Christopher. He’s ten, nearly eleven. About three years ago, Christopher lost his mom. Just like you lost your wife.”

“How did you-“

“-Rodger, tell me about your kids. You have three, right?”

Rodger blinked, the desperate glance on his face beginning to fade.

“Mackenzie, she’s uh- she’s five. And then there’s… there’s Brooklyn, she’s eight… and Jordan, he’s eleven.”

“Can you imagine how sad- no, how miserable, your kids would be, if you were in Eddie’s position? Rodger, after losing one parent… things are never the same. And I think you know that. Now imagine the pain of losing the only parent they have left.”

Buck took a step forward, pushing into the front yard despite the cops in his ear barking for him not to.

“That is how Christopher will feel.”

“And what about you? You have kids?” Rodger asked. Buck nodded.

“Yeah. I do.”

Eddie looked to him, silently agreeing with the angle Buck was going for.

“You see, Rodger, Eddie isn’t just my work partner. He’s also the first person I want to see when something exciting happens. He’s the first person I can see in a crowd because he provides comfort. There’s some science behind- uh, the idea that the first person you can see in a crowd is the one that you know will keep you safe. I read an article on it. Rodger, your kids look to you just like Christopher and I look to Eddie. Please… don’t take that away from us.”

Rodger blinked. And just like that, the gun was on the floor.

humanised

The cops flooded in, handcuffing Rodger without a second glance at Eddie. They knew the 118; Eddie was in good hands.

“Buck-“

“-it’s okay. I got you.”

Eddie stumbled down the steps, Buck catching him right as his knees gave out. Burying his face into the crook of Buck’s neck, Eddie’s entire body shook with the adrenaline of the situation.

“Is Hen okay?” He whispered. Buck pulled away from their hug, nodding.

“She’s fine. Look.”

Stepping aside, Eddie could see Hen and Bobby jogging toward them. They approached carefully, quietly, until Eddie reached for them.

“Hey, guys,” he croaked. Hen couldn’t take it anymore and hugged Eddie, her entire body relaxing as he gave in to her.

“You’re safe now, it’s okay. How about we get you to the ambulance?” She said. Eddie let her lead him away, leaving Buck and Bobby standing on the front steps.

“That was incredible, Buck. Well done,” Bobby finally said. Buck swallowed.

“What if I’d failed?” He finally said. Bobby shrugged.

“You didn’t. That’s what is important right now. Go and be with Eddie; I think he needs you.”

humanised

In the back of the ambulance, Hen kept her hand on Eddie’s back as she moved, grabbing equipment to check him over. Eddie doubled over, head between his knees. Hen watched him for a second, before she stopped what she was doing and reached for Eddie.

“It’s okay. Just focus on your breathing.”

Eddie suddenly scrambled, hauling ass out of the ambulance to find Buck who caught him at just the right time.

“Hey, hey. Sit down.”

Buck gently guided Eddie back to sit on the back of the ambulance, running a hand through his hair.

“Panic attack?” Buck asked. Eddie nodded, squeezing his eyes shut as tears streamed down his face. Watching Eddie silently cry made Buck feel like he lacked control. He felt Eddie’s fingers tangle into his uniform as he pressed against Buck’s shirt, trying to control his breathing but it was only becoming more rapid. Buck ran a hand through his hair, working out the knots from the gel and the sweat and the panic.

“Copy my breathing.”

Buck took one of Eddie’s hands and placed it on his heart. He watched Eddie’s eyebrows furrow for a moment and Hen reached for an emesis bag just in case, but Eddie seemed to collect himself.

“Can Buck stay while I get checked out?” Eddie asked Hen.

“I was actually going to suggest it,” she said. Together they got Eddie on to the stretcher in the ambulance, thanking god that he wasn’t hurt enough to need a trip to the hospital. While Hen checked Eddie over, Buck stayed by his side. His hand rested on Eddie’s thigh protectively, his gaze on the rest of the world because he was not going to let anyone hurt Eddie if he had something to say about it. Satisfied that Eddie was not in any physical danger, Hen put her stethoscope around her neck.

“I’ll go and tell Bobby everything looks okay.”

“Thanks Hen,” Buck and Eddie murmured. She closed the ambulance doors behind her, granting the two some privacy. The second she was gone Eddie was scrambling off the stretcher to hug Buck. Buck wrapped his arms around Eddie’s waist, sighing as his shoulders released all the tension he’d been feeling. He felt Eddie’s entire body slowly stop shaking, his head against Buck’s shoulder. Buck cupped the back of his neck.

“Ready to go home?”

“Yeah. Let’s go home.”

[anxiousnerdwritings]

Highs and Lows

Tw: mentions of deaths, drug usage/drug abuse, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempt, and yandere themes

It had been a while since you felt that sense of belonging, that familial security. After what had happened to your family the Zarick’s had been kind enough to open themselves and their home up to you. They made you feel like family and not some charity case. They were all so loving and inviting, you couldn’t believe just how lucky you’d gotten.

That was until tragedy struck once again. Joey had died in a freak accident on the way home from school.

You weren’t the same after what happened to Joey and no one should have expected you to be, especially since you had witnessed the accident first hand. You were traumatized and scarred. All you saw when you closed your eyes was the same horrific scene repeating and it wouldn’t stop.

When you thought things couldn’t get worse Wiliam died shortly after finding out about Joey. You could still remember his reaction, how he ran out of the house with some kind of intention in mind, leaving you and Denise in pieces. You never would be able to know what he had planned when he abruptly left that night.

If only you knew it would be the last time you saw him, maybe you could have tried harder to stop him.

After that Blue Valley didn’t seem like home anymore. Denise just wanted to get away from anything and everything that reminded her of what she and you both lost. You were more than willing to leave when she brought up moving. You wanted to get away just as much as her. Everywhere you looked you were haunted by the memories of two loving people who were taken away far too early. It was just you and Denise now and you both wanted nothing more than to leave your ghosts behind.

Everything was set and ready to go. Denise even seemed more rushed than before to leave Blue Valley behind. The two of you were in the car and everything seemed normal. The radio was playing but it was only to fill the silence. Neither of you knew what to say, a part of you felt guilty for leaving yours and the Zarick’s home. It felt like you were abandoning Joey and William but that warmth from before just wasn’t there anymore.

Everything seemed so cold and dark, like all the light had been sucked out. This place was only a reminder of sadness and hurt. Even the good times couldn’t outweigh the burden in your hearts.

It was quiet for a while longer before Denise spoke up, “This is for the best, (Y/n). There was nothing left in Blue Valley. Not anymore. It’s just us now.” She was trying to keep her voice from breaking and you were trying to keep your tears at bay, but you knew she was right.

You were all she had now and she was all you had.

And that was the last thing on your mind before a crashing noise hit your ears. Both you and Denise were sent rolling.

When you open your eyes again, you were waking up in the hospital back in Blue Valley. You were obviously hurt, body aching from the ordeal it had been through. It’s only when you try to sit up that you realize you aren’t alone.

A firm, yet gentle, hand pushes you to lay back down. Looking up, you’re greeted by a man you’ve never met before. You’re too caught up in your staring and confusion to realize he’s speaking, “You shouldn’t try and strain yourself. Not after the ordeal you’ve been put through.”

Once you’re laying back comfortably again, the man fixes his suit and heads back to a chair off in the corner, you assume he had been occupying it before you awoke.

It’s unsettling to say the least and all the more ominous, the way he stares at you that is. His gaze is intense and it scares you. It’s like he’s trying to see everything that you are and everything you’ve ever been. The coldness of the room doesn’t help ease your anxiety. If anything it adds to it, making you feel all the more vulnerable.

“I’m sorry, I haven’t properly introduced myself. I am Jordan Mahkent, I am- well, I was a friend of William’s.” Oh, so he was familiar with your past adoptive father? That made you feel a little more at ease.

“Oh, um...okay. By chance do you know where Denise is? I would really like to see her.” For some reason it feels like the room’s gotten colder. It doesn’t help that you can’t quite read the expression on Jordan’s face. That is until it turns into one of sympathy.

“I’m sorry, Y/n, but Denise didn’t make it.” You could feel all the air leave your sore lungs. What the hell was he talking about? Denise didn’t make it? But she had been right next to you the last you remember.

Throat dry you try to speak again, “What so you mean? She was there, I was with her and she was fine!” You’re choked up, tears streaming down your face. You don’t even notice that Jordan is now sitting next to you, wiping your tears away with a hand considerably colder than normal. He’s trying to be comforting but all you can focus on are his words echoing in your head.

“I’ve got you, Y/n. I’m here for you now.”

////

There wasn’t a single day that passed without Jordan visiting you. You had to stay awhile longer in the hospital to recover, especially given you had woken up from a coma due to the crash. You didn’t mind though, you didn’t feel right being back in Blue Valley and you were still processing how you lost everything in a matter of a few days.

But Jordan was nice. He was patient but most importantly he was there for you. He seemed kind enough. He would even tell you stories about when he and William were close. It was comforting hearing about William, especially in his youth but it still hurt to hear his name knowing full well he wouldn’t be coming back.

The day of you getting discharged, Jordan had offered that you stay with him and his family. Thai scenario felt oddly familiar. Similar to how you’d been brought into the Zarick family. You couldn’t deny that it was a kind gesture and it’s not like you had anywhere else to go.

His family was just as welcoming as the Zarick’s had been. You kept trying to remind yourself that these people weren’t your past family but the memories and comparisons just wouldn’t leave you alone. You couldn’t quite put your finger on whether it was healthy for you to think this way or not.

It hurt, that much was for certain. It didn’t help that you felt like you were not only replacing your old family but that you were also using these nice, generous people to fill a void in you from everything that you’d lost. It didn’t feel right at all to you and the Mahkent’s definitely didn’t deserve it either. They were just trying to do a good thing after all.

You tried giving what you could to this new family but it was hard. You were obviously depressed and still dealing with what happened to the Zarick’s. You just wanted your family back. You just wanted your Joey, your William and your Denise again. You just wanted to be home with them, where you were happy and content. The only thing that seemed to make you feel better were the pain killers the doctor had prescribed and they didn’t make you feel anything. You’d guess that the numbness was better than the hurt in the long run. Not to mention it helped keep away the horrible images in your head of Joey’s death, even if only for awhile.

And sometimes, if you were lucky, you could see William, Denise, and Joey. It was as if they were right there with you, like the four of you were together again. It was nice to say the least. It gave what you needed, even if it was just a little taste of it.

Fortunately for you, your injuries and trauma were severe enough that you were given a prescription of painkillers to refill as long as you needed them. You could feel numb and be with your family again whenever you needed to, as long as you had that prescription.

As hard as you tried to keep this away from anyone else, especially the Mahkents, you weren’t very successful. Jordan knew something wasn’t quite right. He was understanding that you would need time to adapt and get comfortable with them but he thought you would surely grow to love and be part of his family by now. Don’t get him wrong, Jordan was seeing you trying to be involved but it wasn’t enough. You were still holding back.

It wasn’t until Cameron came to him, worried about you that he started to see a different change in you. You seemed spacey and not really in the moment but that was understandable given your medication. It was some pretty strong stuff after all. But Jordan took note to ask about it at your next checkup. Thankfully you had to have mandatory checkups and your most recent one was coming up.

But Jordan was going to have a talk with Henry, not only for some information on this specific medication but also to have Henry tell him just what was going on in that head of yours.

Your check up went well. You still need your medication but the dosage as been dropped. Once your assigned doctor heard that you were acting just a little too out of it they thought it was about time to decrease your medicine, even though the before amount shouldn’t have affected you like that. After that was said and done, Jordan left you at the vending machine and headed off to Henry.

It didn’t take him long to find Henry nor did it take Henry long to read your thoughts. But once Jordan heard what was going through your head, he couldn’t quite pinpoint how or what he was feeling exactly. One thing was for certain though, he was going to be monitoring your medicine intake from now on.

You knew you had a problem. You were conscious of that and you had tried to stop but you couldn’t bring yourself to. You wanted the hurt to stop, you just wanted to stop feeling altogether. And that’s just what you got when you took a few extra pills then prescribed. You guess you should have been more mindful. That’s why when Jordan started handing out your medication a part of you was relieved. Maybe things could get better. Maybe you could get better. But then that all too familiar itch was back and you were in need.

But Jordan was determined to not to let you destroy yourself. He didn’t care what you lost at this point. You had something new and alive right in front of you. You had a family right in front of you. But you weren’t seeing them. You weren’t seeing him. You weren’t seeing anything anymore.

It’s all getting to be too much. Everything is getting to be too much.

You’re starting to feel too much. You’re starting to feel everything.

Everything is so overwhelming and erratic.

Your emotions are so overwhelming and erratic. What do you do? What is there to do?

Before you know it, your standing at the very bridge where Joey’s accident happened. You’re only standing, staring off, not a single thought passing through. Then you’re somehow over the railing, standing on the edge of one of the steel beams holding the bride up. It’s only now that a thought comes to mind, one single word: Jump.

But you don’t really want to, do you?

You would get to be with your family again.

But then you would be leaving behind another family.

You would finally not have to feel anything anymore.

But you would be hurting others in the process.

You could be happy again.

But would you really?

Jump.

Jump.

JUMP!!!

You’re crying now. You can feel the tears, you can taste them from the corner of your mouth. You can hear something. You can hear someone calling out to you. Turning your head, you see Jordan running over towards you. He’s panicked but his voice is calm.

“Y/n? What are you doing over there??? Come here. Come on, I got you.” He’s holding his arms out for you. He’s here for you. That’s when it hits you, the realization of what you were just about to do. And you’re scared, reaching out to him. Jordan gets close enough to grab hold of you, pulling you over the railing like nothing.

He’s clutching you close, so close it hurts. But it’s a good hurt. It means you’re there with him, that he has you safe in his arms. It doesn’t even matter how cold he is anymore.

You’re sobbing now, clutching at him just as feverishly. “I’m sorry!! I’m so sorry!! I didn’t mean it! I don’t want to die!!!”

He tries to console you, still holding you so tightly. His voice is calm, soothing as he says, “You’re okay, you’re safe now. Everything’s going to be okay, Y/n. I promise.”

No, you don’t want to die. Of course you want to see William, Denise and Joey again. You want nothing more than to finally be reunited with them once more but you just can’t.

Not yet. Not now.

And they can wait. The’ll wait for as long as they have to. They’ll always be waiting for you.

[jimines]

Whats actually happened between you and taemaknae? I read about it on the tea blog and still confused

This is an insanely long story so I'm going to put it below the cut so for anyone interested in this absolute shit show, continue on.

Essentially, I posted these headers about a month ago:

It was a set of like 8 colours and it was the first time I had ever posted any headers or anything. The issue nic had with these, was the ripped paper bottom. Because apparently you can trademark that. I had asked a (now ex) “friend” of mine if she knew where I could find the ripped paper effect because I had seen the effect on the header of her network blog and I had been trying to find a similar thing for months and google images never gave me anything good. She ended up referring me to google images anyways and after like an hour of dedicated searching, I found this ripped paper effect and used it. This ex “friend” went on to tell another friend of mine that I had "asked where nicole gets her resources for her headers" and then screenshotted my dm as "proof", which still confuses me because I never mentioned nicole there lmao. I've seen the screenshot.

Tell me where I said nicole. It was literally just a question born from seeing the header they had on their network lmao. I feel it’s important to mention I didn’t know this person ran said network at that time, which is why i said “these people”.

This other friend then came to me and just said my headers "may be seen as similar to nic's” and said she noticed it on her own and never mentioned my other “friend” approaching her. I was confused because other than that ripped paper effect that I know many people on tumblr use, I saw no similarities. Nic's headers are usually more complex and more than just a coloured background with a little effect in it. I just wanted to make some simple headers for fun because I was bored. But, regardless, I messaged nic about it to make sure she didn't feel the same way. I told her a friend of mine was worried nic might think my headers are similar to her's and I assured her that if she found them similar I would take them down, no questions asked. Nic told me she was surprised this friend brought it up and told me that it was entirely up to me if I found the headers similar. She never once told me she felt they were the same, never mentioned anything about them, she insisted it was up to me to do as I pleased. So, since I genuinely found no similarities, I left them up.

About a week went by and things between nic and I were fine, or so I thought, based off the fact that she was interacting with my posts, sending me cute asks and replying to a lot of my comments and stuff being kind and whatnot. Then, I decided to post a small list of my creations and the series I had running at the time. 

After that, all of a sudden I got an influx of rude hate anons:

To anyone I mentioned the anons to, they agreed with me, you cannot trademark circular icons. This anon also accused me saying “just the fact that you had an anxiety attack about it proves you copied them” Like no sweetie, it’s called three strangers walked into my house and I got anxious.

Despite me not seeing the issue, I messaged nic, assuming she wouldn't care about the icons (it wasn't like I was taking her exact work and copying and pasting them as my own) and that made her very upset. When she responded to me, she was incredibly heated and gave off the vibe she was waiting for me to message her about it. 

She said things like "this has actually been bothering me for a while", "i expected you to be able to read between the lines and delete the headers", "i don't know who that anon was but clearly they recognize my style". For starters, she never told me that she was annoyed with me, she was being very kind to me publicly. And I have no idea how I was meant to “read between the lines” of what she said especially considering how kind she was to me the following days. I also never accused her of knowing this anon, she just insisted it wasn't her and she didn't know them right off the bat. She also insinuated that I copied my gifs from others as well, which ticked me off because I made my 100+ layer psd myself thank you very much. But I kept my cool, and I told her I had no idea she felt the way she did, and I told her I would delete the headers (which i did as the conversation was going on), and that I would stop posting my icons and bringing attention to them because no one ever paid it any mind before that point. And I asked her “please tell me straight up the next time you have an issue with me because I am generally pretty dumb with social cues”, I have my adhd to thank for that. And instead of replying, she just blocked me. And conveniently, the hate anons stopped dead right after we blocked each other and I haven't received any since.

Also, these are the kinds of icons I posted:

Looks pretty generic and idk, universal, right?

Then, as I've recently found out today, she was in an "anti-loverjimin" groupchat with at least 2 other bloggers. 

Which explains why this all went and fell into place. I know who the two other bloggers are because of what happened two days later but I won't name them just yet, but these two people had been "friends" with me for several months. So, a day or two after nic blocked me, all of a sudden some good friends of mine were blocking me and not talking to me when I asked what was going on. I found out soon after it was because nicole and those two now ex “friends” of mine had taken old dms I sent them and were showing them to people. And I will go into detail about them but I won't name the people they are about for privacy reasons.

Before I move on, to clarify some lies nic has been spreading about me, I never once shit talked nicole to my friends. One of these ex friends also said I was trying to get people on my side. I would have reacted to this all very very differently if that were the case. I would be dragging everyone through the fucking dirt but I don't get off on drama or micromanaging what my mutuals do. My issues are with these people, if you're still friends with them that's your decision i could not care less. So, back to it, the only thing I said about nic was that she and I had a stupid small fight over icons and that she was spreading lies about me, based off of what nic said to jordan.

That exact message, or slight variations of it, was sent to anyone I interacted with because I didn't know if nic was going to stop at jordan or try and get to everyone I fucking knew lmao. Some of the people I messaged this to told ME nic had done this kind of thing before, that she has sent hate anons, launched hate campaigns, cancelled people, etc. Over stupid shit like icons lmao.

Here are some responses I received after I mentioned nicole:

And nic or one of her friends also took it upon themselves to send anons to that tea blog to blow shit up and named everyone and made it an even bigger mess when they saw no one was actively trying to fight me after the dms got out. 

I also love that in this following ask, they named my two “friends” that were behind the whole dm drama and backstabbed me, as well as two other people I never badmouthed, that story was twisted. But we’ll get into those details shortly.

And she also told people I clout chased big blogs and only cared about notes. At one point, yes, I did care a lot about my statistics. However, never once did I think clout chasing was worth my fucking time or energy, Nic is the biggest clout chaser on this damn site and there are receipts of that, ask jordan lmao. And I couldn’t give two shits about my statistics anymore lmao, much less anxiety that way. Do I still crave validation sometimes? Sure. But it's not a driving force of my tumblr experience like it used to be.

But, moving on to the dms, the first one was sent when I first came back to tumblr full-time and didn't understand why people self reblogged things, I found the pretence of self reblogging annoying and greedy and I complained about it and it was a comment fuelled by two bloggers that i would see sr a lot on my dash. But I never thought THEY were annoying, as these people are saying I did, it was self reblogging I found annoying and as you can see I have come to understand why people sr and I do it myself too. I didn't even know these two bloggers at this time either. That dm was cropped to hide the fact that this "friend" agreed with me and hid the date as well so it seemed recent, and was sent to one of the bloggers I mentioned as an example, someone I had since become good friends with. 

I didn’t befriend one of the people I mentioned there until mid to late June. That friendship is now over thanks to this drama and all the lies. The second friend of mine they went after was never spoken about in dms, they went and turned her against me through lies and manipulation so that friendship has ended too. And while those two were doing that, nic went off to try and turn jordan against me.

There was a particular user on here that I did say some nasty things about but we weren't friends, as many people have been made to believe. I was particularly mad at this person in those dms and was hurtful, I admit, and I have since apologized and owned up to all of it to these people. I did call them fake and/or two-faced. 

And what in the gassing me up bullshit was their response though lmao. I also sent this following dm before I even talked about the issue with this person. They urged me to continue and to name drop the person, and I stupidly thought they were trustworthy.

My reasoning for what I said wasn't unwarranted though, I don't make a habit of going around shit-talking people, unless they do something to me first. I vent when I am upset and this person had sent me a passive aggressive ask and then denied sending it when I asked and I thought that was just very fake, especially since she was so kind to me in dms before the ask came in. But all of these dms were cropped too to hide timestamps and responses, and in most cases, like those screenshots prove, these "friends" either gassed me up or egged me on to continue ranting or to name the people i was mad at and they had agreed with me on several, several occasions. Turns out they were trying to get dirt on me to use in their cancel campaign. But the point is, nic has made me out to be this horrible person that befriends "big blogs" (an overrated statement) and then shit talks them behind their back without remorse. Yet it was one person I said rude things about and I, again, owned up to it all and apologized to them the first day. I would've done it sooner had I a) remembered feeling the way I did all those months ago or remembered the dms themselves or b) felt that way still after meeting them. But neither is the case.

I find it really amusing though that these people wanted things to be kept quiet and didn’t want anyone they spoke to to talk to me about it because I was going to “out them on my blog” and “make a big scene”, then they three went and made it a big fucking scene and ruined my friendships. I’m familiar with this pattern of manipulation as it has happened to me in real life before and it’s the most childish bullshit to witness.

Before this callout day for nic, I had never once been directly rude to or about her, same goes for those ex “friends” that betrayed my trust and friendship. The fact that they plotted against me in a group chat while still actively talking to me and being all buddy buddy is just disgusting. Both of them were talking to me that day at the same time they were sharing the dms and shit-talking me to my friends. But yeah, that's my side, the untwisted side, of the whole story. I tried to be mature and talk to nic and when I didn't do what she wanted me to do, she blocked me and launched the hate campaign with dms and the power of photoshop. I’ve been hesitant to make any of this public because it was meant to be a silent ordeal but I’ve grown tired of her constantly publicizing everything without consequence while I remain silent like I promised.

[hookingminor]

the way that you love me - anthony beauvillier

a/n: inspired by pov by ariana, a lot of it is from tito’s perspective. lightly edited. all fluff. thank you @thirteenisles​ for telling me to write for tito

word count: 2.5k

summary: anthony’s been in love with you for a long time

-

Anthony was in love with you.

He knew it from the moment he met you that he was done for. There really wasn’t anything inherently special about you, which probably wasn’t the nicest thing to say, but it was true. But when you smiled at him for the first time and extended your hand in introduction, something inside of him shifted.

It was subtle, almost imperceptible, and he didn’t even register it at first, but then he shook your hand and a calm settled over him. Anthony didn’t understand what it meant then, but he understood it now.

It was the same feeling he felt right now as he watched you sleep next to him your hair strewn across the pillow and mouth slightly agape. Soft snores escaped your lips, though you always denied it when he told you. It bothered him a bit at the beginning, the snores used to keep him awake during late nights when he had early morning practice. Now he couldn’t sleep without you, snoring and all.

You looked so peaceful lying beside him. With one hand lightly holding onto his bicep, his heart fluttered. It was something you always did when you were asleep: reach out until you grabbed some body part.

When he came home late at night from road trips across the country and settled into bed, you never failed to do the same thing. You were a notoriously heavy sleeper, but whenever Anthony slid under the sheets, you swatted in his direction until you came into contact with him. Whatever you hit, you grabbed onto before rolling over and crawling as close to him as possible.

The first time it happened, all Anthony could do was laugh. He thought you might’ve been awake and that his return woke you, but when he didn’t see your breathing change or eyes flicker open, his chest had gotten so tight he was afraid it would burst.

An overwhelming softness consumed him at that, and it hit him with full force every time it happened. It was the little things. You never realized you did it, nor did he ever tell you.

“Stop staring, weirdo,” you peeked one eye open and caught Anthony looking at you.

Anthony coughed out the stiffness in his throat before replying.

“I can’t help it,” he chuckled, hoping you couldn’t see through him and how vulnerable he was feeling right now, “You’re so beautiful in the morning.”

Whatever Anthony was afraid of you seeing, you didn’t because you rolled your eyes.

-

“Can you make me some tea, please?” You called out to your boyfriend who was rummaging through the kitchen.

“Yeah, give me a minute,” he hollered back, and you heard the coffee machine running to dispense hot water.

Anthony reached over your shoulder from behind to place the mug on the table next to your textbooks. He paused halfway through his retreat to rest his hand on your shoulder and gave you a soft kiss on top of your head.

“Baby, you have three other mugs in front of you,” Anthony said, noticing the half-filled mugs in front of you.

You shrugged, “It tastes better when you make it.”

Anthony left you to continue your studies, but your statement replayed in his mind as he went into the living room and turned on whatever game was playing at the moment. You’d said it without hesitation, and Anthony doubted you even processed what you said.

It was all he could think about.

Later that night when he went to clear the table after you’d disappeared to take a shower, he saw that the only mug that was empty was the one he’d made for you earlier.

He noticed everything after that. Every morning before you left, there was always a mug semi-filled with coffee or tea resting on the counter that you’d made before going to class. Every evening when he made you a cup of tea before bed, you drank every drop.

Intrinsically, Anthony knew he didn’t make tea any better than the next person, but it never failed to brighten his mood every time he woke up and saw the empty tea mug from the night before sitting on the nightstand.

-

Anthony knew you had your doubts sometimes. Not about him. Never about him.

But he knew you had insecurities. About your relationship, about yourself and the need you had to compare yourself to other girls, about why Anthony was even with you to begin with.

None that you ever voiced them with him, but he could tell when you began to pull away and close yourself off from him. He never understood why or what caused it, but he could always read the signs leading up to it.

Anthony also knew how to snap you out of it. The first time it happened, he feared you were going to break up with him, but now he was practically a professional.

“What are your plans for the night? Are you still going out with the guys?”

You had been unusually quiet during dinner, and now you were hand washing the dishes instead of just putting them in the dishwasher; a telltale sign you were thinking too much and needed a mundane task to clear your head.

Approaching you from behind, Anthony wrapped his arms around your abdomen and nuzzled his face into your neck.

“Actually, I was thinking we should stay in for the night,” the words sounded muffled against your skin, and the vibrations tickled, which only caused Anthony to squeeze you tighter.

“Oh?” You questioned, unable to stop the smile tugging at your lips.

“Mhmm,” he hummed as he reached forward to turn off the sink, “I can’t neglect my girl right before leaving for a road trip.”

“You’re not leaving for another two days.”

“Then we’ve got less time than I thought,” Anthony said with fake realization, “Better get started now.”

You squealed in surprise as Anthony spun you around and hiked you up by your thighs. He had no care for the wet hands clutching onto his shoulders as you steadied yourself. Leaving the dirty dishes to be dealt with later, he carried you from the kitchen and into the bedroom where he spent all night showing you just how much he loved you.

-

“How’s Y/N doing?” Mat asked Anthony when they boarded the plane, “Tell her I say hi.”  He’d plopped down next to Anthony who was sending you one final text before take off, and Mat knew that love struck face anywhere. It was a face he only reserved for you, and Mat didn’t have to look at his phone to know Anthony was texting you.

“She’s doing well,” Anthony answered, firing off an ‘I love you’ before locking his phone.

“Yeah? You guys are still coming to the wedding next month, right?” Mat asked. One of their teammates was finally tying the knot, and Anthony knew Mat was only asking so he didn’t have to be the only single one there. He would still be the only single one, but Mat always inserted himself into yours and Anthony’s relationship whenever he had to third wheel.

“Yeah, we’ll be there,” Anthony replied with an eye roll as he checked his phone one last time to see you’d replied with an ‘I love you too’ before switching it to airplane mode.

“God, it’s just a matter of time before you two are getting hitched and I’m left all alone,” Mat sighed before pulling an eye mask over his head and putting in his headphones.

Mat made the comment in passing; he didn’t understand the weight of what he’d just said, and he was already brushing it off and leaving Anthony to sit and think about it.

Maybe Anthony should’ve felt panicked after the realization hit, but all he felt was that same sense of calm wash over him. He’d never given much thought to his future. He definitely didn’t plan on ending things with you and when he pictured himself in five years, you were always there beside him but he’d never made definitive plans.

Mat began dozing off as the plane took flight, but Anthony was wide awake. He knew he wanted to marry you, he was sure about that. There was no doubt in his mind that you were the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, but the feeling was all-consuming.

He was happy, yes. Calm in a way he’d never felt before but also nervous. It wasn’t something you two had ever talked about, and for the first time, Anthony was insecure. He imagined it’s what you felt like when you started pushing away, and he finally understood.

Would you even want to get married? Did you want a life with him? Kids? A picket fence? The whole nine-yards?

Anthony knew he would give you anything you wanted, but the question was: Did you want him to?

-

As you flitted around the party, Anthony watched you with intent eyes. The girls had stolen you away earlier in the evening demanding pictures and that you mingle with them instead of hanging onto Anthony the entire night, not that Anthony minded that. He very much preferred when you were near him, if only to stop the chirps he was receiving.

“God, you’re such a lost puppy without her,” Jordan commented, snapping Anthony from his stupor as his gaze flickered back to his friends. Anthony blushed, knowing the comment was directed at him, but he had no comeback.

“Ease off, he’s just imagining his own wedding now,” Matt teased with a knowing look. Nearly all the guys had been there before, and Anthony knew they meant it in good fun.

“Popping the question any time soon, Beau?” Scott asked as he took a swig of his beer. Being the most recent one to get married, he understood the feeling probably better than the other married guys.

“Not soon but thinking about it,” Anthony admitted sheepishly. He wasn’t one to talk about his feelings with the guys. Sure, he went to one of the older ones if he ever needed advice, but those times were few and far between. By the raised brows of everyone near him, he could tell they were shocked with his admission. Happy, nonetheless, but still surprised.

Anthony had started thinking about it during the road trip when Mat had unknowingly dropped that bomb on him. He thought about it constantly, but he still hadn’t brought it up to you yet.

“Really? Good for you, dude,” Jordan said, and suddenly Anthony felt shy.

He couldn’t help it, his eyes shifted back to find you in the middle of conversation with Sydney as you snapped some pictures for other girls. You were glowing. You always glowed to Anthony, and maybe it was the wedding atmosphere, but right now, it was like you had a halo surrounding you.

Your face lit up at something someone said, and even though you were across the room, he could hear your laughter in his head.

The other guys exchanged a few glances between themselves as Anthony’s attention was stolen again by you. They couldn’t really blame him, they’d all been in his shoes at some point.

As the night dragged on and the drinks flowed freely, Anthony absorbed all of it: the soft voice you used when talking to the young kids who begged you to play with them, the way you clutched onto his arm when you made your rounds and mingled with other guests, the atrocious line dancing you did with Mat since Anthony refused to cotton-eye joe.

“Come on,” you said out of breath as you extended your hand to Anthony. You were tired from the long dance and a slower one had come on right after, “Just one dance.”

With a heavy sigh, Anthony took your hand as you led him to the dance floor for a slow dance. Your face was warm for the exertion and alcohol, and even a little sweaty and smudged, Anthony thought you were gorgeous.

His hands fell to your waist as yours wrapped around his neck, and he pulled your body flushed with his. You swayed to the music and rested your head on his chest.

“I wish you could see yourself the way I see you,” Anthony mumbled against your hair. Although unprompted, it wasn’t unwelcome.

“Oh yeah? Why is that?” You asked, pulling back to look at your boyfriend. It wasn’t normally like Anthony to be this soft, especially in public, but the wedding had only enhanced his good mood.

“Because I can’t even begin to describe how beautiful you are and how much I’m in love with you.”

He said it so simply and casually, as if he were recounting his favorite part of dinner instead of baring his heart for you to see. Your teasing smile softened into one of appreciation.

“Who knew weddings could turn you into such a sap, Beauvis?” you joked lightly, though you pulled yourself closer to him. It was that same stupid nickname Mat had called him one time, and you frequently used it much to Anthony’s dismay.

He tightened his grip on you as he returned your warm smile, and he could see it all right then: his entire life laid out ahead of him with you in the center of it all. Truth be told, Anthony was a sap for you, had been for a long time and you knew it.

“I want a winter wedding, too,” you commented easily after a moment, and Anthony felt his heart rate speed up.

“And if I want a summer wedding?” He threw back, though the smile on his face indicated he was only teasing.

“Hmm…” you paused to ponder the thought, “I think we might have to compromise on a fall wedding then. Summer is too hot for me.”

“Fall sounds nice,” Anthony mused, “A little difficult with the season, but we can make it work if you want.”

“As long as you’re there, I don’t really care when it is,” you replied, and Anthony found himself thinking the same thing.

He didn’t respond after that, deciding to let the music engulf the two of you as you continued to sway. Another slow song followed right after, but Anthony made no motion to leave. He would’ve stayed there all night if you wanted if it weren’t for Mat disrupting your dance and asking to cut in.

Anthony let him take over without hesitation as he didn’t really care much for dancing anyway, but he walked back to your table feeling lighter than he had ever felt in his life.

Unable to stop himself, he pulled out his phone as he watched you and Mat laugh on the dance floor, the song changing to a more upbeat one. Mat spun you away in a dramatic twirl that almost sent you stumbling had it not been for Mat’s hold on your hand.

Anthony smiled to himself as he opened Google to search for engagement rings.

[freddie-weaselbee]

Reflection//F.W.

Pairings: Fred Weasley x Reader

Warnings: Implied eating disorder, implied body dysmorphia, body insecurities, insecurities in general, mentions of food/drink, language, angst, fluff, sad and insecure Freddie :(

Summary: Fred can’t even look at his reflection without feeling bad about himself and thinking about how you deserve so much more than anything he has to offer. 

Word Count: 4.5k

A/N: YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. No matter who you are or what you look like, you are absolutely beautiful. If you or if you know anyone who suffers from body dysmorphia (specifically men because it’s not talked about enough), please reach out to someone and learn more. My messages are always open!

Arthur Weasley. Molly Weasley. Bill Weasley. Charlie Weasley. Percy Weasley. Fred and George Weasley. Ron Weasley. Ginny Weasley. The Weasley family. While all connected by their Gryffindor house and flaming red hair, each member of the family was unique in their own sense. 

Arthur and Molly were the parents. Arthur’s fascination with Muggles as a Pureblood and Molly’s blunt but loving motherly nature were what set them apart. 

Bill was the oldest, the golden child. He was loved at Hogwarts and became a successful curse breaker. No one ever had problems with the wonder that was Bill Weasley. 

Charlie forged his own path. The great Hogwarts Quidditch star who likely could have gone professional, had he not found his passion in dragons and made a new life for himself in Romania.  

Percy. Perfect prefect Percy, the one who would grow up to be the Minister of Magic, at least that's what everyone thought. He had every aspect of his life perfectly planned out down to the last detail, and oh how Molly loved her rule-abiding son, never a troublemaker. 

Ron had a more difficult time making a name for himself. The youngest brother in the family and yet not quite the baby. However, his friendship with Harry Potter and their knack for getting themselves into trouble every year made Ronald Weasley a known name around Hogwarts. 

Ginny was the only girl, which made her unique already.  Not only that, but she was fantastic at Quidditch, had the heart of a true Gryffindor Lion, and was overall a kind, vivacious, adventurous soul. 

Each Weasley had one thing that set them apart. Everyone, that is, except the duo that could never be separated. 

Fred and George Weasley. Not Fred Weasley and George Weasley. Fred and George. As if they were one person, joined at the hip with the same ideas, the same personalities, and the same feelings. No matter how hard they tried when they were younger, everyone always came back to calling them Fred and George. Even their own mother often got them mixed up, and showed no care in doing so. As long as it was one of the twins she was alright

. 

Once their years at Hogwarts started, the two boys decided to stop fighting the inevitable, and thus began their reign as “Fred and George Weasley, Prank Master Extraordinaires.” They were always together. They were both Quidditch beaters. They pulled some of the finest pranks Hogwarts had ever seen together. They sat next to each other in all of their classes and would sometimes switch seats or call each other the wrong name to see if anyone else would notice. They never did. 

“Freddie, you coming?” you asked your boyfriend, jumping up onto his back. It was Hogsmeade weekend, which meant the tradition of you and your friends raiding Honeydukes, Zonkos, and finishing out at The Three Broomsticks was minutes away from happening once again. Fred laughed and spun around, quickly getting dizzy and pulling you both down into the Gryffindor couch. 

You rolled on top of him and pulled his chin in for a quick kiss, limbs awkwardly tangled in each other as you shared a sweet moment with the ginger you’d been dating for the last 3 months. 

“Ugh my eyes!” George stood behind the couch, hands covering his face in order to shield his view from the innocent scene in front of him. 

“Oh shut up George,” you said. “You’re just jealous.”

Fred smirked at his slightly younger brother and pulled you down into a deeper kiss. “Yeah, jealous,” he mumbled against your lips, which resulted in George physically separating your faces with his hands. 

“You two disgust me,” he scoffed. “Are you guys ready?”

Fred struggled against his brother’s hand for a second trying to recapture your lips once again, but he eventually gave up once you caved and pulled away. 

“I’m all set, has everyone else already left?” The rest of your small friend group consisted of Lee Jordan, Angelina Johnson, and Alicia Spinnet, who you had been close with since your first year. The three boys would run off and pull horrendous pranks while you, Angelina, and Alicia would roll your eyes, secretly coming up with new ideas for jokes to pull on Filch. 

George jumped over the couch and hoisted you up by your arms, his strength making you fly through the air for a few seconds before you landed shakily on the warm rugs decorating the floor. 

“Yep,” replied your friend. “They said they’d meet us in the Courtyard and we can go from there. If I remember correctly it’s your turn to buy butterbeers.” 

You groaned and threw your hands to your pocket, making sure you had the money. “I thought you would’ve forgotten about that.”

George wrapped his arm around your shoulder and gave you a brotherly squeeze. “Never, love. Let’s get going.”

Giggling, you walked in step with your best friend and wrapped an arm around his waist. You turned your head and put out your other arm, gesturing for Fred to come join you. 

“C’mon, Fred, what’re you waiting for?”

Fred wasn’t waiting for anything. In fact, the longer he saw you interact with George, the less he wanted to spend the day watching it continue to happen. He didn’t look at you and instead just fiddled with his sweater, the one you had stolen from him so many times until he finally took it back to appreciate how it now smelled like you. 

“I’m not feeling too well today, you guys can just go.”

You pouted and fully turned to face your boyfriend. “You were fine just a second ago, do you want me to stay with you?”

He could tell you were about to walk back over and crawl into his lap, but he really needed to be alone. “I’m ok love, just not feeling it today. Bring me back something from Honeydukes though, will ya?”

You gave him a small smile and nodded, wondering if there was anything else you could do to help. 

“Don’t worry Y/N,” said George, “I can take care of you. We’ll have a blast!”

“I can take care of myself, Georgie,” you said. Fred winced at the nickname. “But I thank you kindly for the offer.” You bowed sarcastically and began to howl with laughter as George tickled your sides and threw you over his shoulder. “See you later Fred, don’t have too much fun without me!”

He looked up at the last second, only catching a glimpse of your face contorted with giggles as his twin carried you through the halls of the castle. 

Fred sighed and got up from the couch, sulking as he made his way to his now empty dorm room. He lied down on the bed and stared up at the ceiling, imagination and worries running wild. What were you and George doing right now? Was he still holding onto you, laughing as he clutched your perfect body in his arms? Fred’s jaw clenched, thinking about his brother holding you, kissing you like he did. Because what was the difference between him and his brother? Why would you care if it was George that was touching you instead of Fred. They were the same. To everyone in the world, they were just the mirror images of each other. Just a stupid, unoriginal reflection. 

He felt a few hot tears well up, so he turned onto his side and curled up, letting sleep take over and wash his troubles away. 

------------------------------

“Alright George, put me down, you’ve had your fun.” The Weasley boy pretended to drop you, only making you clutch his shoulder harder. 

“Oh I see,” George said smirking, “now you don’t want me to put you down, huh?”

“Sod off, loser.” You wiggled out of his loosening grasp and elbowed his side. George had decided to carry you not only out of Hogwarts, but also almost the entire way to Hogsmeade itself. An act quite impressive, but the beater was known for his renowned upper body strength. 

Angelina came up and grabbed your arm, slowing you down so you would fall away from the rest of the group. “Not trying to steal my love, are you Y/N?” she asked, trying to glare at you but breaking quickly and smiling in the end. 

“I don’t know Angie,” you teased, “if you don’t make a move soon maybe I’ll have to take both twins. Paris does sound very nice this time of year.”

She rolled her eyes and gave you a soft shove. “The annoying part is that you could probably pull both of them too. I see the way George looks at you.”

Your best friend, usually so confident and collected, was now very shy and insecure about her love for the younger of the Weasley twins. You and George had no feelings for each other. Both of you knew that and she of course knew that. But sometimes dumb thoughts plagued people’s minds. 

“Angie, wanna know a secret?” you asked. 

She looked up and nodded slowly. 

“The reason George and I’ve been hanging out recently is because he keeps asking me about you. ‘What’s Angie’s favorite food?’ ‘What does she like to do when she’s not kicking ass on the Quidditch pitch?’ blah blah blah.” 

Angelina laughed at your horrible impersonation of George’s voice. “You know he’s like a brother to me. I mean, if things between me and Fred keep going how they are then maybe one day he’ll be my actual brother.”

She nodded gratefully and sighed a breath of relief. “I know, I know. It’s just a little weird for me that you two are so close. I feel like I’m third wheeling whenever you guys are there, and you aren’t even the ones dating!”

“That’s just how George is. He’s so sweet, so he’s always there to cheer me up. But you have to trust me, there is not and will not ever be something between me and him. No offence to George, but that’s gross.”

“You’re dating his twin brother! How is that gross?”

“You of all people know that they’re not the same. I prefer my men cocky, arrogant, and pretty,” you quipped, calling Fred out. 

“And I prefer mine sweet, compassionate, and handsome, but it looks like George has got a long way to go before he can earn that title.”

Angelina was referring to the scene in front of you, where the man in question was currently shoving Lee’s face into the snow-covered ground. 

“Maybe we both need better taste in men,” you said, running with Angelina to tackle George and save your dear friend. 

------------------------------

It was 2 weeks later, and Fred was once again missing out on a trip to Hogsmeade. Gryffindor had just played Slytherin in the game of the year, a close match that had the entire school screaming and on the edge of their seats. 

“And there Malfoy and Potter go, racing into the sky with their eyes on the snitch,” Lee Jordan shouted into the microphone. “The current score is Gryffindor with 130 points and Slytherin with 110. It all comes down to who can catch this flying bugger.”

A loud crack resounded across the pitch as George sent a bludger straight toward Malfoy, hitting his broom and almost knocking him off. 

“Amazing hit by Number 6, beater George Weasley. This could be the end of the game folks, this could be it. Oh! Malfoy’s back on his broom and racing to catch up to Potter. Weasley gave the young Gryffindor seeker a great head start, and it looks like he might have it!”

“Fred!” Angelina cried. Fred looked to where she was gesturing and saw the bludger coming straight toward him. This was his shot. He had a clear path to hit Malfoy, securing the win for Gryffindor. 

You were in the crowd, screaming at the top of your lungs. He didn’t want to disappoint you, or the team, or his house. He didn’t want to disappoint people anymore. 

“Number 5 Fred Weasley winds up to hit a bludger, he’s got a clean shot toward Malfoy! If he can get this hit it’s game over and victory for Gryffindor!”

With all of his strength he sent the bludger flying, but apparently his aim hadn’t improved with the extra practice he had been doing. 

Lee continued to comment on the disaster that was about to happen. “One strong hit to the bludger, but it looks like it’s going in the wrong direction. Oh no! Instead of hitting Malfoy the bludger just hit Potter, sending him and his broom spiraling out of control! Malfoy has taken this opportunity to catch up to the snitch and...and...he’s got it. Malfoy catches the snitch, making the final score 260 for Slytherin to 130 for Gryffindor. A well played match by everyone.”

Except it wasn’t a well played match for Fred. He had let everyone down, again. He was used to it from his parents and older siblings, even most of his teachers. But he had never let down his house before. He had never let down his team. 

Fred locked himself away in his room, refusing to talk to anyone. He pulled off his Quidditch robes and shirt and stared at his reflection in the wall length mirror hanging in his dorm room. 

He stared at his body, something many girls would comment on and swoon over. He was Fred Weasley, star Quidditch player and resident hottie at Hogwarts. Except he wasn’t anymore. 

The definition of his abs weren’t strong enough. He was gaining too much fat, eating too much food. He wasn’t working out enough, that was it. If he would've worked out more then he would’ve made the shot during the game. 

Fred wasn’t as ripped as George, he knew that for a fact. Living in the same room for their entire lives, Fred knew how strong his brother was, how defined his biceps were and how he could lift you with absolutely no problem. Fred knew that George was the better beater. It was just statistics. He made the most hits, had the best aim, and won the team the most points.  

The only thing Fred was better at was making jokes, but he knew no one liked them. His friends must’ve laughed out of pity. There was no way anyone could not find him annoying, especially with how cocky and overconfident he came across. They just tolerated him because of George. You just loved him because you saw him as another George. You should be with George. 

Fred stared into the reflection of himself in the mirror, the one that looked equal parts like him and his twin brother. He groaned as he bent down to the floor, quickly starting another repetition of countless pushups until he would pass out from exhaustion.

------------------------------

Fred had stuck to his cycle. Wake up, eat (but not much), go on a run across the castle grounds, go to class, work out for 2 hours, eat dinner (but once again, not much), work out again and then pass out from working so hard. Any time he had outside of class was spent on the Quidditch pitch or locked away in his dorm, overworking his body and secretly comparing it to his brother’s. No matter what he did, he never caught up. He was still the more annoying, weaker, less attractive reflection of his twin. 

“There’s something wrong with him,” George said to you, walking to the courtyard for one of your breaks. “He’s been so off lately and I can’t figure out why.”

“You’re telling me!” You had noticed Fred’s changes in behavior and tried to talk to him about it. He had become quieter and less outgoing, usually choosing to be alone and do God knows what while you went off with your friends. In fact, the two of you hadn’t had an evening to yourselves in over a month. Not ever seeing your boyfriend was beginning to take a toll on you too. 

“I’ve tried talking to him and asking if anything’s wrong, but he always blows me off,” you complained. “He just seems so sad and miserable, and the worst part is, I have no idea why!”

George just shook his head. “Me neither. He’s my bloody twin brother and we never even talk anymore. He’s always on his broom or locked himself in our room. Doesn’t ever let me in, so I don’t know what’s going on back there.”

Thoughts began to race through your head. “Do you,” you gulped. “Do you think he’s hiding something from us? Or...or someone?”

“Oh Godric no,” George said suddenly, wrapping you up in a hug. “Fred would never cheat on you darling, he loves you too much for that. He would go on and on about how bloody beautiful you are and how you’re the perfect person for him and it took everything I had not to strangle the git sometimes cuz he would never let me sleep.”

You squeezed him back tighter. “When...when did he say these things?”

George paused for a few seconds. “A little over a month ago. I...I haven’t really heard him talk much recently…”

You broke down sobbing in your friend’s arms, lowering yourself onto a bench and turning to cry into his chest. 

“Shh, shh darling, it’s not your fault. I’m sure this is a misunderstanding. Freddie loves you so much, he would never hurt you, ever.” He grabbed your chin so you were looking up at him. “Do you understand me?”

You nodded, eyes red and puffy before going back to his chest to cry. You spoke to him through broken sobs. “I...I’m gonna talk to him tonight. I need to f-find out what’s...wrong.”

George stroked your hair soothingly and rubbed your back. “Sounds like a plan, love. You’ve got this.”

You thanked him and continued to cry until you felt all of your sadness release. George helped you up and walked you to the bathroom to get your face cleaned up for the next class. Little did you or George know that Fred, from afar, had just witnessed the entire scene. 

------------------------------

In his usual place as of late, Fred was curled up on his bed, unable to move from the intensity he had just put his body through. He tried to shift to get into a more comfortable position but it only made him groan and his stomach growl. 

His arms, which were supposed to be getting stronger, were weak from malnutrition. He wasn’t even strong enough to sit up and do his Potions homework, which only made him feel worse about himself. 

All his life it had been Fred and George. It didn’t matter that his name was first, because there was always George to follow. They were the same person, and yet he still felt inferior to his brother. No matter what he did, how hard he worked, George was always going to be better. He was the stronger twin, the kinder one, the more compassionate one who knows when a prank has gone too far. He was everything that you deserve, and everything Fred wished he could be. 

Fred was startled by a knock on the door. “Freddie,” your muffled voice called through. He stayed quiet, hoping you would leave and look for him somewhere else, or better yet give up on him altogether. He couldn’t stand to look at you at the moment. 

“Freddie I’m coming in.” Before he could do anything you had cast alohomora and were standing next to his bed. 

Fred turned his head away from you, trying not to let you see how red his face was from crying. He pulled the covers up over his face, blatantly ignoring you. 

“We need to talk.” You sat down next to him and ripped the blanket off, revealing a mostly naked Fred aside from his pair of boxers. You grabbed his shoulders to roll him over to face you, but you jumped back as he let out a pained groan. 

“Get out, Y/N. I don’t want to talk to you right now.”

You huffed and crossed your arms over your chest. “You haven’t wanted to talk for the past month and I’m tired of it. I know there’s something wrong, and it’s killing me to see you like this. Please, Fred, you need to tell me what’s happening.”

The boy rolled his eyes and slowly moved to face you. “Why?” he asked. “So you can run off to George and have him comfort you? Why don’t you just save us both the trouble and go be with him.”

You were shocked by his words. Fred had never been the jealous type. Whenever you would talk casually with your exes or other boys would flirt with you, Fred was understanding and calm, always saying that you were his and he knew he didn’t have to worry about anything. But now for some reason he was seething with jealousy, and over his brother no less. It didn’t make any sense. 

“What in the world are you talking about?” you asked indignantly. “You know that George is just my friend, my best friend. He’s in love with Angelina and I’m in love with you.”

Fred scoffed. “Yeah, alright then. What did you and Angelina do, draw straws and decide who gets who? It’s not like it would matter, as long as you got one of the twins.”

You sat down on the bed, fuming with anger. “Where is this coming from? You know I love you. I don’t love George, at least not more than a friend or a brother. I don’t love anyone else and I don’t want to be with anyone else, just you.”

Your hand traveled to his shoulder but he jerked up so that he was inches away from you. “Don’t lie to me. You’re just like everyone else. You got one of the twins, and then you realized that you got the worse one, so off you are to go seduce George, because he’s just my reflection but better. I know exactly how you think you worthless bitch!”

Both of you went silent. Fred had never spoken those things to you before. Never once had he raised his voice in anger, and he had never even thought about calling you a bitch or anything of the sort. 

You brought your hand back to slap him, but you hesitated when he just gave up and sighed, awaiting the hit and not even trying to do anything about it. He was weak and exhausted and had completely given up on everything. 

Lowering your hand, you moved it to caress his cheek. He leaned into the touch, letting small tears fall from his eyes and drop onto your fingers. You pulled him into your shoulder slowly, where he sniffled and cuddled up next to you. 

“I’m so sorry, Y/N,” he said quietly. “I didn’t mean that. You’re perfect.”

After a few seconds you finally spoke up. “I love you so much. You cheer me up when I’ve had a bad day with your jokes.” Fred hummed into your shoulder. “You’re always helping me relax when things get too stressful, and you take me on the best adventures I could ever imagine.” He turned his head to meet your eyes. “You and George, while you might look the same, are completely different. I could never love him the way I love you, because he’s not you. He’s sweet, compassionate Georgie, and you’re fierce, loyal, loving, optimistic, beautiful Freddie.”

Fred nuzzled into your shoulder and pulled you down so you were both laying down on his bed. He mumbled something that you couldn’t make out. 

“What was that love?”

“Do you really think I’m beautiful?” He spoke so shyly, pieces of his insecurities finally becoming apparent. 

You held his face in your hands and stared into his mesmerizing brown eyes. “I think you’re beautiful, gorgeous, handsome, pretty, and absolutely perfect the way you are.” You ran your hands down his toned abs, starting to understand what he had been doing those many hours each day. “No matter how much muscle you have or how big or small you are, I’ll always love you. You look perfect to me.”

To show Fred exactly how you felt you kissed him all over his body, starting at his neck and moving to his chest all the way down to his thighs and calves. “Just because you’re a guy doesn’t mean you have to be super buff and toned. All bodies are beautiful, and that goes for men too. And you are the most beautiful of them all.”

Fred squeezed you tight, mentally hitting himself for not talking to you earlier. You loved him and he knew that. You didn’t love George and you didn’t love him because he was one of the Weasley twins. You loved him because he was simply Fred. Fred Weasley. 

You shifted out of his hold and started to leave the room. “Where are you going love, please stay,” he asked, giving you his biggest puppy dog eyes. 

“I’m gonna sneak into the kitchens and get you some food. You need to eat, Freddie. I’ve seen you skip meals and it’s not healthy.” He nodded reluctantly, still self conscious about the weight he thought he gained. 

“Speaking of not being healthy, I think you should slow down with the workouts. There’s nothing wrong with getting a better body, but you’re destroying yourself in the process. Can you take a break for a few days and rest up before reevaluating your workouts?”

It took Fred a second to think over. He still wanted a body like his brother’s, but you were right. He wouldn’t get it from not eating and constantly hurting himself. “Yeah, alright.”

“I think there’s leftover ham and potatoes from dinner, does that sound good?” Fred agreed, cozying himself back up under the covers. 

“Perfect,” you said. “I’ll get food and we can eat and catch up, and maybe read that book I was telling you about? You said you wanted to read it with me.”

“Sounds perfect, love. Thank you so much.”

You nodded and walked out the door, closing it softly. Fred looked around the room he had spent so much time in recently until his eyes landed on the mirror hanging on his wall. With what was left of his strength he got up and stood in front of it. 

It wasn’t going to be easy. He had so many deep seated insecurities that he would need to work out, and it would take time. But for the first time in a while, Fred could finally look at his reflection and smile. 

[toughguywithbossygirlfriend]

Diana’s unexpected superpower

After looking at @dailydccomics​ ‘s post, Batman’s words to Diana :  “You’re the most powerful of us” just popped in my head. Looking at this little exchange, Diana calling out on him, scolding him, facing fearlessly his Bat-glare and changing his mindset with not much more than a disapproving look. I had to take a look at the Comics it came from...

(Edit from DC Comics “JLA-Spectre:Soul War” in Jan-Feb 2003)

So lets have a little fun at the expense of the Amazing Dark Knight, with first a show off of his incredible Will power opposed to anyone or anything, and then ... Diana  ... pshhhHHT ! (massive Will power leak) ... XD.

The story is about a team up between the Justice League and an entity far more powerful than all of them together : the Spectre. The Soul that drives this version of the Spectre is Hal Jordan former Green Lantern, so he knows the members of JLA very well. Of course he first talks about Superman, admiring the power of a God and the modesty of a farm boy.. Then comes the Dark Knight ... The Spectre comments about the mistakes most people make about Batman... convinced he is only Madness and Shadows ... but he knows better, giving a nice description.

But everybody of the JL gets his visit : Diana, J’onn Jozz, Arthur, Plastic man, and the GL Kyle Rayner even if there are not much details.

(Edit from DC Comics “JLA-Spectre:Soul War” in Jan-Feb 2003)

A very powerful psychic entity (or entities), “the Trans”, threaten the Multiverse and the Spectre feels deep down that he needs the JLA but doesn’t understand why.

I like how both other parts of the trinity act always ... The JLA needs a Plan so Clark asks for it (Batman always has plans) while Diana is always the one to remind Bruce that he needs to behave when no one else in the group finds the guts to even open their mouth ... XD... She already seems to be the only one to have any control over him.

(Edit from DC Comics “JLA-Spectre:Soul War” in Jan-Feb 2003)

To understand what kind of of “power” Diana holds we need to take a look at Bruce’s will power levels ... The Spectre and the JLA need to separate their physical bodies from their Souls to fight the enemy on the imaginal level but end up trapped in perfect dream worlds (similar to way the Black Mercy operates) ... None of them can escape their seductive dreams, even the most powerful Spectre is trapped... none except ... Batman.

(Edit from DC Comics “JLA-Spectre:Soul War” in Jan-Feb 2003)

The physical powers even divine don’t really matter in an Imaginary realm. Will power, “Soul power”, however you call it, matters more.

The Trans, finally revealed as multiple entities from another reality, regroup to gain more power and to beat the JLA and the Spectre ... They understand that they have first to address their greatest problem ... they need to bend/”convince” the Dark Knight’s will... But Batman answers with his usual diplomacy...

(Edit from DC Comics “JLA-Spectre:Soul War” in Jan-Feb 2003)

Unleashing all their incredible Psychic power the Trans ... still get their asses kicked by the unbeatable Will of Batman again... Freed again, the Spectre can only face the truth ... nothing can stop or bend Bruce Wayne, the Batman.

(Edit from DC Comics “JLA-Spectre:Soul War” in Jan-Feb 2003)

This indomitable will was highlighted on numerous other occasions and even Divine entities fail to control Bruce Wayne... hereafter the Trinity faces 4 demigods of Apokolips. One of them took over Wonder Woman, The Princess of Themiscyra resisted the best she could but in the end failed. Superman tried to resist to the second demigod but ultimately failed as well against such a powerful spirit... then, later, Batman strolls over the desert to meet them after they got already freed from the demigods, only to ask them how long he’ll have to wait until someone can get the trapped god’s spirit out of him ...XD

(Edit from DC Comics “52 Aftermath : the Four Horsemen” of Apokolips )

Even Darkseid himself avoids a fight with Batman on that level ...

(Edit from DC Comics “Final Crisis #6”)

A more recent example would be a Dark version of Bruce : the Dawnbreaker ... overriding with his Will power the Green Lantern Rings most secure embedded laws/rules..

(Edit from DC Comics “Dark Nights: Metal - The Dawnbreaker”)

And what to say about Bruce using the Black Lantern Ring in “Dark Nights : Death Metal” ? During the “Blackest Night” Event all superheroes wearing such a ring became brainless murderous killing machines entirely under the control of the ring (Including Diana whose love for Bruce finally broke the bond) ... In “Dark Nights:Death Metal” Bruce on the contrary controls the ring, unlocking pretty much every one of Nekron’s power (Nekron is the Lord of the Unliving and the Embodiment of Death).. Powers going from raising an incredible number of dead Superheroes and Supervillains to fight with him ...

(Edit from DC Comics “Dark Nights: Death Metal #1-#7”)

... to his personal immortality making him able to resist a bullet that could kill a God or regeneration to the point that not even Diana could tell he was actually undead since the beginning of the story, ...

(Edit from DC Comics “Dark Nights: Death Metal #1-#7”)

But lets get back to the old comic. Once freed by Batman from the power of “the Trans”, Hall Jordan/the Spectre could finally make the enemy flee but had to sacrifice his own soul to save the JL. Alive again the JL wanted to bring Hal Jordan back from oblivion using their faith in Hal Jordan... But such kind of “Hocus Pokus” isn’t really the forte of one of them.

All that endless unbreakable Will that Nothing can bend, ... but against Diana.. she doesn't need a Batglare, or mind control, ...just one fierce look of disapproval and... he knows he’s defeated..

(Edit from DC Comics “JLA-Spectre:Soul War” in Jan-Feb 2003)

Those two are going to be the death of me !! ... XD.

And don’t think for one second that Diana can only make Bruce face the truth and change his mind in older comics. Here’s one from the Rebirth era in “Superman : Heroes” (around 17 years later)...

(Edit from DC Comics “Superman : Heroes” #1 in Feb 2020)

Bruce is angry, stubborn and totally set on some personal POV... Diana sees right thru him... tells him he is wrong ... some silence ... and Bruce gets soft again, accepting he was wrong... changing his POV.

In the “JLA-Spectre : Soul War” after Diana and Bruce’s little exchange they try to save the Spectre but fail because Bruce has still some Issues. But a gift from Hal Jordan proves Batman that Diana was right all the way and Hal needed saving so Bruce wants to try again... but the medium helping them can’t reach the Specter anymore...

(Edit from DC Comics “JLA-Spectre:Soul War” in Jan-Feb 2003)

Fortunately Diana already changed Bruce’s point of view earlier and once he is set on something ... nothing can stop him.

(Edit from DC Comics “JLA-Spectre:Soul War” in Jan-Feb 2003)

Refusing failure again, Bruce reaches to Hal alone and brings him back from Oblivion.

The Spectre thinks it was “faith” ... but we all know Batman doesn't need faith.

(Edit from DC Comics “Wonder Woman (1987)” Issue 166)

All he needs is Diana ! XD ...

At the end of this two Issue story of the “JLA -Spectre : Soul War” everything is fine again. The Spectre is back, the World is safe, and Diana in the background knows she just did what no one else could do : making Bruce do the right thing and save the day again ...

(Edit from DC Comics “JLA-Spectre:Soul War” in Jan-Feb 2003)

Imagine If the Trans only knew that they just had to “mind control” Diana in order to “convince” Bruce ... They could have won so easily !... Luckily they didn’t know she had that unique special Superpower. ;)

OK, I had a lot of fun and did bend a bit the whole thing focusing mainly the post around Bruce/DIana and highlight how she can change his mind no matter how stubborn he usually is, but it is nonetheless a recurring thing between the two.

[lilydalexf]

Old School X is a project interviewing X-Files fanfic authors who were posting fic during the original run of the show. New interviews are posted every Tuesday.

Interview with Audrey Roget

Audrey Roget has 10 fics at Gossamer, with some different ones at AO3, fanfiction.net, and her website. You might know her from her very good fics or as part of Musea, a collective that all wrote fic and posted X-Files fic recs. I’ve recced some of my favorites of her stories here before, including Three Times Dana Scully Didn’t Go to San Diego for Christmas and The Shirt. Big thanks to Audrey for doing this interview.

Does it surprise you that people are still interested in reading your X-Files fanfics and others that were posted during the original run of the show (1993-2002)? A little, yes. Not so much by folks who were around in those days. I sometimes go hunting for beloved stories from the early years, both those I read and loved, and those I never got around to. I am always delighted to hear that later generations of fans have stumbled across my stuff, especially since I haven’t posted anything new in a number of years. It’s fantastic that both years-long fans and new ones are out there continuing to rec fic from all eras, and to maintain archives for fans yet-to-be born. What do you think of when you think about your X-Files fandom experience? What did you take away from it? What did you take away from your experience with X-Files fic or with the fandom in general? It may sound corny, but the main thing I think of, and the thing that has ultimately been most valuable and lasting, has been the friendships. The feeling of having found a tribe – not just of TXF fans, but of other people who could be as enthusiastically engaged as I was (if not more so) with fictional stories and characters – was mind-blowing. Since I was a kid, I had often mulled over the books/movies/TV I loved and speculated internally about what happened off the page or off-screen, or created new stories for characters in my head. But, except for an elementary school phase where I and my two BFFs regularly played Charlie’s Angels, I hadn’t engaged in that kind of gleeful immersion in a fictional world with others until TXF fandom. My involvement in fandom followed pretty quickly from getting hooked on the show, so for me, it’s all one big ball of experiences. Even as my interest in/involvement in fandom has waxed and waned over the years, I’ve been lucky to remain friends with wonderful people who I originally connected with as fellow fans.

Social media didn't really exist during the show's original run. How were you most involved with the X-Files online (atxc, message board, email mailing list, etc.)? What got you involved with X-Files fanfic?

My initial entrée to the fandom was through fanfiction. I didn’t get interested in the show until mid-season 5. Around the same time, I read an article in a zine called Might (co-founded by Dave Eggers) about this thing called fanfiction that people would write and publish online. At first I thought it was satire or a joke – the fic cited involved Wilma Flintstone and a polished sabre tooth, as I recall – but then realized this was an actual thing. So I figured that a show then at the peak of pop culture must have fanfiction, and I went looking. Early on, I scrolled atxc on a daily basis and downloaded stories. But I didn’t engage in discussions about the show on Usenet, since I only knew how to access it with my Earthlink email client, and I didn’t want to post using my real name.

Later, I set up a pseud address with Yahoo and subscribed to a couple of email fanfic/discussion lists, and stayed subscribed to those for years. There was also a period in there somewhere – of maybe only a year or so, when I think about it – when I’d often nerd out into the wee hours with other fans via IM chat groups. That was around the time the small writers’ collective Musea was founded, and we were active for several years after the show’s initial run. In the early aughts, I followed many authors to LiveJournal and eventually set up my own account and stayed involved in fandom that way, until it mostly dispersed as well. What was it that got you hooked on the X-Files as a show? In a word: Chemistry. I had casually watched a couple of episodes during the first four seasons, but I’m not a huge sci-fi/horror fan at heart, and the story lines didn’t immediately grab me. But I happened to tune into The Red and the Black in 1998, and BOOM. For the first time, the intense layers of emotion and attraction between Mulder and Scully really struck me – and then of course, upon further viewing, I realized it was unmissable, an essential element in the fabric of the show. As a wise woman once said, a switch had been flicked. Mulder and Scully’s magnetism was like nothing I’d ever seen, and though I eventually came to appreciate the storytelling, humor, production values, and other components that made the series so successful, watching those characters interact has always been what kept me coming back. Were you involved with any fandoms after the X-Files? If so, what was it like compared to X-Files? I was part of a list-serv discussion group for The West Wing for a while, which was a fun melding of character and plot analysis with political discussion. Later, I got into the House, MD fandom, again mostly as a fanfic reader/writer. I was finding that other fandoms, unlike TXF, were more dispersed, the networks of people structured more loosely, if at all. There were fanfic and discussion communities on LiveJournal, and fanfiction.net was the other main hub for posting and reading, but if there was anything centralized like Gossamer, Ephemeral, or the Haven, I never found it. Within all those fan communities, as in TXF, there were partisans for various characters and pairings, and flame wars erupted over plot developments that outraged this faction or that. One main difference was that those other shows had larger, ensemble casts and more varied subplots. So on one hand, there was more opportunity to explore back stories and multiple perspectives. In House MD in particular, there were several entrenched rival shipper camps, which were about equally grounded in canon, rather than TXF’s central ship. I was less into TWW fic, but my impression was that readers were less militant about their pairing preferences than TXF or House fans. Who are some of your favorite fictional characters? Why?

I was deeply fascinated by Greg House for several years. (And the love-hate chemistry between him and Lisa Cuddy was a strong draw for me.) House MD came early in a wave of TV shows centered on anti-heroes, and Hugh Laurie brought amazing complexity and thoughtfulness to the character.

Philip and Elizabeth Jennings (The Americans) are a lethal pair of antiheroes. The inherent moral conflict of a sympathetic narrative from their POVs, and the global political conflict they embody was TV catnip for me. The internal struggles at the hearts of those characters were so exquisitely written and performed, they completely fascinate me.

The West Wing felt so much like a show created specifically for me. I’m especially fond of story arcs and scenes that centered on CJ Cregg, Charlie Young, and Josh Lyman. Though I loved Martin Sheen’s human portrayal of Jed Bartlet, the fact that he was the President always made him a little untouchable in my mind. But CJ, Charlie, and Josh were basically hard-working functionaries who were ambitious and idealistic and funny and flawed, and they spoke to me. What is your relationship like now to X-Files fandom? Do you ever still watch The X-Files or think about Mulder and Scully? Do you ever still read X-Files fic? Fic in another fandom?

I do continue to think about Mulder and Scully and watch episodes somewhat often. I’ll sometimes run a favorite episode as background when I want something comforting on. I read TXF fic pretty regularly, which can inspire me to go back and watch a particular episode or story arc I haven’t thought about in years. Just recently, I started listening to The X-Files Diaries podcast (@XFDPodcast, @admiralty-xfd), and that’s a fun dive into the characters, and how other fans react to and interpret episodes.

Every once in a while, a TV show or movie – and more particularly, the characters – will grab my attention and make me curious about how fanfic writers have interpreted the original material. Random example, I saw Singin’ in the Rain for the first time in a theatre a couple of years ago, and the chemistry of the three leads sent me to AO3 as soon as I got home. I also loved the first season of Mercy Street and found some well-done stories in that fandom. I usually peruse the Yuletide gifts every year and have been amazed by the sheer variety, creativity and cheekiness of the output. There are a bunch of other shows I’ve followed faithfully, and sought out fanfic – Broadchurch, The Killing, Agents of SHIELD, Elementary, The Good Wife. Although I’ve found some well-written stuff in those fandoms, I’ve rarely gotten the same charge from them as reading TXF fic. Do you have any favorite X-Files fanfic stories or authors?

syntax6 (@syntax6) – Universal Invariants/Laws of Motion. I’d also shout out to syn’s Hunter fics, too – well worth reading even for those who have never seen or particularly loved the show itself.

JET – I re-read Small Lives Awake every year around Thanksgiving time. Other annual holiday re-reads: Revely’s The Dreaming Sea and Jordan’s Through the Fire (both set at Halloween).

Amal Nahurriyeh’s Casey universe – the rare post-col fic that felt hopeful, made extra intriguing by a kick-ass original character. [Lilydale note: the series starts with Machines of Freedom and has lots of additional fics and snippets.]

Prufrock’s Love – Finding Rokovoko was genuinely terrifying and tender.

melforbes (@melforbes) – Seaglass Blue is a recent favorite, lyrical and bittersweet.

These are just a few (apologies to those that didn’t come to mind immediately). Fortunately for readers, there’s an astonishing number of authors who have written in TXF fandom whom you can depend on for a good yarn, insightful character study, and/or ingenious “fixes” where 1013 went awry.

What is your favorite of your own fics, X-Files and/or otherwise?

Probably the two set in my own (former) backyard of Southern California: Enivrez-vous and Ravenous. I’d first read the Baudelaire poem that was the source of the former’s title back in university days, so I was tickled to be able to use a few lines as an epigraph. Do you think you'll ever write another X-Files story? Or dust off and post an oldie that for whatever reason never made it online? It’s not out of the realm possibility. I’d meant for “Three Times Dana Scully Didn’t Go to San Diego for Christmas” to be followed up with “And One Time She Did.” In fact, the idea for that never-finished story was what inspired “Three Times” in the first place. I have a couple of scenes sketched out and – unusually for me – even know exactly how to end it. Every year, November rolls around, and I think I should finish and post it…maybe in 2021?

Where do you get ideas for stories? Sometimes it’s from my environment. “Enivrez-vous” and “Ravenous” describe places that I’m fond of, that made me want to place Mulder and Scully there. “What Not to Wear” has that element too – I set it in Memphis as a tribute to a great trip there with a sister Musean. But WNTW was also inspired by a kink challenge in a years-ago LiveJournal thread, so sometimes ideas come from fandom discussions or even other fanfics. In the House MD fandom, a fic by another writer made me want to continue the story, and the author kindly allowed an authorized sequel. What's the story behind your pen name? I wanted my pseudonym to sound like it could be a real person’s name – or at least, maybe like a romance writer’s pen name – rather than an online handle. I also wanted to use a slightly obscure fictional character, to amuse anyone in the know. I had long had a bit of an obsession with Whit Stillman’s 1990s film trilogy, which started with Metropolitan; the 3rd installment, Last Days of Disco, came out the same year I started down the TXF rabbit hole: 1998. The central heroine of Metropolitan – who is mentioned in or makes a cameo in the other two – is Audrey Rouget, a lover of Austen and, eventually, a book editor. I altered the spelling of the last name as a nod to every writer’s companion, Roget’s Thesaurus. Do your friends and family know about your fic and, if so, what have been their reactions? I have a few close friends – from outside TXF fandom – who know that I’ve written fanfic. I don’t know if they know my pseud; if they do, or if they’ve ready any of the fic, they haven’t said so to me. They are fannish sorts themselves, but not really TXF fans. A smattering of other friends and family members know or could intuit that I’ve been a fangrl on some level for years. My boss, whom I’ve known for about 3 years, recently mentioned off-handedly that she was really obsessed with TXF “back in the day,” and I am DYING to know if she got involved in fandom, but don’t think I’ll ever work up the courage to ask.

Is there a place online (tumblr, twitter, AO3, etc.) where people can find you and/or your stories now? Most of the X-Files stuff continues to be generously and steadfastly archived by Forte at The Basement Office. The House MD stories and some TXF things are at fanfiction.net; same for AO3. If ever post anything new, it will probably go to TBO and AO3. I really ought to get it all together in one place, one of these days…

(Posted by Lilydale on April 6, 2021)

[nothinghcppens]

when nothing’s said- fred weasley

masterlist

pair: fred weasley x slytherin!female!reader

summary: y/n has known the weasley twins since first year and wanted nothing more than to befriend the pair, but one of them wants nothing to do with her. never one to back down, she worms her way into their lives and captures the heart of fred, whether he likes it or not.

warnings: slight swearing, italics is memories

a/n: first hp fic!!! thank you for all the support on my marvel fics so far it means so much <333 i’m gonna start a taglist so message me if you want to be added! and specify if you want to be added to marvel, hp or both! also requests are open!

“wicked.” you heard the voices of fred and george weasley chant behind you. their voices still managed to boom over the loud chatter of zonko’s. they were looking at the new line of products that had been added to the shelves. you were in your last year at hogwarts and had been through your entire school career with the twins. however, you had a love-hate relationship with them.

being sorted into slytherin in your first year immediately made them dislike you, their deep rooted hatred for slytherins being the cause of that. you met on your first day, in the great hall before the sorting ceremony. you heard their murmurs about pranks and tricks they could play on each professor and a small smile crept on your face.

“oi! what you smiling at?” the one on the left asked, you later found out to be fred.

“i strongly suggest you don’t prank professor snape. that won’t turn out well on your behalf.” you replied. your parents were high up in the ministry of magic and were well respected individuals in the wizarding world. they had told you all about the professors at hogwarts and what to expect when you arrived.

“oh yeah? i don’t know about you fred, but i don’t think professor snape stands a chance against us.” the one on the right said, george, you now know.

“you’re absolutely right, george.”

“y/n y/l/n!” professor mcgonagall announced and you stepped up to the sorting hat.

“oh? a y/l/n? i remember your mother. you two are very similar. wow, i see. very cunning. very ambitious... slytherin!”

and that was all it took. that budding friendship, gone. it was more fred than george, well at least that’s what you seemed to notice. fred had a very sort fuse and could never seem to control his anger towards you, george seemed to tolarate you a little more.

you had many run ins with the them throughout your years in hogwarts, many of them to fred’s demise.

“hey george! you said you needed help with potions?” you called, jogging slightly to catch up with them.

“yeah, you’re like crazy smart at it and snape doesn’t like me.”

“snape doesn’t like anyone.” you stated.

“he likes you.” he replied.

“it’s only because she’s slytherin. he doesn’t care that she’s the smartest in our class.” fred complained.

“you think i’m smart?”

“everyone thinks that.” he said. you send him a confused look, did he just compliment you? “i mean, you like to rub it in everyone’s face that’s all.”

“ignore him. library after dinner?”

although the fred disliked you and george only spoke to you for help with potions, their friend lee jordan had a soft spot for you and you two actually got on very well.

“y/n!” lee called. he pushed through the crowds of children to where you stood near the entrance.

“hey lee.” you greeted with a smile, “where are dumb and dumber?”

“drooling over new products, what’s new?” he replied.

you chucked, “usual for them then.”

“who are you with?” he asked.

“uh, y/f/n. she’s looking for something to get her brother.” you explained.

lee nodded his head, “how about you two join us for some drinks at the three broomsticks?”

“hmm a chance to piss off the twins? how could i resist?” you teased.

“meet us there in like half an hour?” he suggested.

“of course. see you then.” you said, winking at him and leaving to find your friend.

you scanned the busy store in search for y/f/n, noticing her talking to adrian pucey.

“hey, y/f/n, adrian.” you greeted. adrian and your friend both smiled warmly at you.

“afternoon, y/n.” he said, “me and y/f/n were planning to head back to the common room, want to join us?”

“actually, lee just invited me to the three broomsticks. why don’t you come with us?”

y/f/n scoffed, “what? just to see you and fred bicker like a married couple the whole time? thanks but no thanks.”

“it’s not my fault he doesn’t like me! i’m only going to talk to lee anyway.” you explained.

“uh huh, sure you are.” she mumbled.

“oh shut up.” you said, laughing lightly.

“i need to pay for this stuff,” y/f/n stated, gersturing to the items in her hands. “you guys wait here and then we can walk you to the three broomsticks.”

you and adrian made conversation until she came back, robes pockets slightly bigger than before she left.

“shall we?” adrian said, letting you guys leave first.

the streets of hogsmeade were filled with excited students, snow falling on their heads. you wrapped your coat around you tighter, feeling the harsh breeze under it. the wooden sign of the three broomsticks came into view and you saw lee and the twins standing outside.

“well, i’ll see you guys later.” you announced, waving at the pair as you walked away.

you approached the trio of boys and greeted them, “good evening boys.”

“where’s y/f/n?” lee asked.

“oh her and pucey wanted to go back to the dungeons.” you explained.

“what the fuck lee? you said we were waiting for angelina.” fred spat.

“whoops sorry, must’ve forgot.” he joked with a large smile on his face.

fred groaned in annoyance and walked into the three broomsticks. “what’s got his knickers in a twist?” you asked.

“he just fancies you.” george replied, with a smirk.

“oh yeah, who wouldn’t.” you joked. you stepped into the dimly lit pub and swept your eyes across the busy tables. george came in behind you with lee and lead you to a table where fred sat with a scowl set on his face. him and lee went to get butterbeers for the table, leaving you two alone.

“hey sunshine.” you said, sliding in beside him. his mouth stayed shut and his eyes stayed trained on the empty booth in front of him. “you cant ignore me forever.”

“actually i can, sunshine. and i will.” he replied.

“merlin, you’re so dramatic. is this only because i’m an evil, muggle-born murdering, slytherin? or is there something else to it?”

he scoffed and turned his head to look at you. “oh come on! just because i’m a slytherin doesn’t mean i’m evil.”

“i’m pretty sure it does.”

you let out a shocked laugh, “grow up fred. i’ve never done anything to you. you’re the one that pranks my friends and i! and fair enough some of my house mates are wankers but me and y/f/n haven’t done anything to you.”

he opened his mouth as if to say something, but closed it immediately. “i think you need to let go of this petty hatred towards me.”

“i think he does too.” lee announced as he approached the table with two butterbeers in his hands. him and george sat on the other side of the booth from you and slid two glasses across the table.

“he’s not one to back down easy is my brother.” george said.

“very stubborn so he is.” lee added.

“right that’s enough you two.” fred groaned, taking a swig of his drink.

“anyway, did you listen to that record i gave you?” lee asked you.

“yep, i’ve been listening to it on repeat. my roommates hate me for it.” you replied, chuckling.

“you like muggle music?” fred questioned.

“yeah it’s actually how lee and i became friends, he heard me whistling a song by queen and began singing along. since then we’ve been giving each other albums to listen to.” you explained. you took a sip of your butterbeer.

“wicked, what album was it he gave you recently?” he asked. out of the corner of your eye you saw george and lee subtly high five each other and begin having their own conversation.

“it was parklife by blur, it came out last year.” you said.

“i think i remember lee playing that one. when you give it back i’ll make sure to listen to it.”

you and fred spent the next hour bonding over your love for muggle music. you were surprised that he listened to so much and you guys actually had a very similar taste in music.

“do you remember professor lupin?” you asked. fred glanced over to george and smiled lightly.

“uh yeah, vaguely.” he replied with a laugh.

“well one time i was going to ask him for help with my essay on vampires and he was listening to david bowie! i mean i knew he was my favourite teacher but that just made me love him even more.”

“bowie huh? i can see that.” he said, nodding in approval.

“oi you two.” george stated, catching both your attention. “we’re gonna head back.”

“do you want to go?” you asked.

“you two go on, we’ll stay here for a bit yeah?” he replied, turning to look at you for confirmation. you nodded with a smile which fred returned.

george chuckled and winked at fred who just rolled his eyes. you watched the pair leave the pub and turned your attention back to fred.

“it must be fun having so many siblings.”

“it is, they’re so much fun to prank.” he chuckled. “want to go for a walk?”

“you want to go for a walk with me?” you asked with feigned shock.

“shut it, come on.” he grabbed his glass and finished the leftover butterbeer at the bottom before pushing you slightly to get you out the booth.

you slid out and grabbed your coat that you had abandoned earlier, putting it back on.

the cold air hit your face as you opened the door, fred stepped out behind you. he sucked in a breath, “bloody hell it’s freezing out here.”

“good solve detective.” you joked.

“being a cheeky bugger is my job.”

“well now you’ve got some competition.” you laughed and tucked a piece of hair behind your ear as you walked down the main street. a comfortable silence fell over the two of you as the snow fell on the ground. the crunch of your shoes against the snow was all the could be heard.

questions began to flood your head, why was fred here with you? what made him change his mind? shouldn’t he hate you? surely talking about music wasn’t enough for him to get over whatever made him despise you?

“okay i have to ask.” you blurted. fred glanced at you and nodded, signalling for you to continue. “why are you here?”

he furrowed his eyebrows in confusion, “what do you mean?”

“don’t you hate me? i feel like you shouldn’t be as nice to me as you are being right now, considering you avoided me like the plague from first year. i’m not sure what i did, but i’m just confused on how you seem to no longer hate my guts-“

suddenly his lips were on yours and you froze, he was kissing you? why? you pulled back in shock and looked up at him, glancing between both his eyes.

“why did you do that?” you asked.

“i don’t hate you. i never have. i was pissed off myself for liking you, for thinking you were beautiful.” he explained, “you are a slytherin and for some stupid reason that made me push you away.” he placed his hands on your arms, “i’ve been raised on the idea that slytherin’s are all evil and are all with them. but i know now, that’s not true. so i’m sorry.”

“merlin you are one soppy bastard aren’t you! i accept your apology don’t worry.” you said, “i knew you secretly didn’t hate me.” you smiled up at him.

“how could i? you’re a catch darling.” he replied with a smirk.

“anymore of that and my head will be bigger than yours.” you joked. “anyway, i believe i owe you something.”

“what?-“ you leaned up and kissed him before he got the chance to say anything else. he smiled against your lips and wrapped his arms around you, pulling you closer. you lifted your arms up around his neck and laced your hands together.

fred pulled away first, breathing heavily. “wait till george hears about this. godric he’ll go mental.”

“he told me that you fancied me earlier, should’ve believed him.”

he chuckled and pressed his forehead against yours, “what’ll your family think when you tell them you’re dating a weasley?” he asked.

“woah, woah, woah. dating are we?” you teased.

“obviously, love. unless that’s not what you want.” he replied, placing his hand on your cheek and rubbing his thumb across your lips.

“i’ve wanted that since the moment you called me smart.”

“i wasn’t subtle at all was i?” he asked, cheeks going slightly red from embarrassment.

“not really now that i think about it. but i was oblivious.”

fred chuckled and pressed a soft kiss against your lips again, exhaling a laugh through his nose.

“can we continue this somewhere warm? i’m freezing out here.”

[tmrrwppl]

Canon Divergent - Clarissa & Ultra

It had always been a high stakes game for Clari, and the odds had been in her favor so long it was really not surprising when they began to turn against her. Somehow, this pain in the ass agent had caught onto her absolutely chaotic methods, appearing almost every time. The first few times, they had scuffled and she utilized every ounce of her powers against him. She had even thrown a car at him, and he had surely went back to Jedikiah to report that anything that wasn’t nailed down was obviously a weapon she could use.

His appearance at the party during the chaos had led to an on foot chase through the club as she tried to get to a place to teleport, his bullets catching her in the side and in the arm. He could have killed her, she knew he could have. But he didn’t. While she appreciated that very little as Cas and her stitched her up with their handy super glue and a sewing kit, she could after the fact, and confided it to John. He had pulled Stephen into the conversation, and Stephen had come back with information that he uh he likes the way she is ‘equipped’. John, being the leader, had to keep a straight face while Clari’s had burst into a shade of red and Cas howled from the couch.

But, in a shadow war, information was quite vital. Especially when it kept their species alive. After the party, the Agent did not engage her once. Through Stephen, she knew he was Jordan Reynolds, and he had been given a different ROE... to bring her in unharmed (which, truth be told, did much more psychological warfare on her than she cared to admit, jumpy, paranoid and barely sleeping for fear he would somehow find her). It was still a high stakes game, but this was much more cat and mouse. She thought he was playing with her, since he rarely announced himself, and was only lurking out of sight. Like he could somehow find her, she could find him. But she wouldn’t let onto that fact yet. 

When Jedikiah caught a ride with Russell to the Lair, she decided to be nice enough to keep an eye on him, apparently since no one else could stand being in the room with him much. Russell was sent to get food, currently persona non grata for the epic shit storm he had dumped on all their heads. She had been polite enough, maybe hoping he would stop viewing them all as a threat (though, considering he was bound to a chair as a hostage... probably not). But she did take advantage of the chaos in the moment, asking him why the change in the Rules Of Engagement when it came to taking her into custody.

“Was I not, until just recently, a case of ‘Bring her in warm or cold’?”

“Ah, well, hoping you don’t take offense to the previous orders.”

“I do, but go on. Why was it changed?”

"There was a major change in your status. I ordered it.”

“Why? What change?”

“Did you know your mother visited New Jersey for Spring Break in 1989? Nasty fight with her husband.”

“Why the Hell would I know anything about my mother, Jedikiah? I was born in December. She’s the one who declared me dead 3 months after I went missing.”

“Well then, why do you think your brother has blue eyes like his parents... and their grandparents... and their grandparents before that while yours are hazel. I know you know about Mendel's plants, Clarissa, basic genetics wouldn’t be lost on you. I know you’re smarter than that, despite the lack of diploma.”

“I don’t fucking know, why don’t you explain it to me like I’m 15 in science class.”

 “Well, for starters, blue eyes are the dominant gene in the Tellemanca line with very, very, few recessive mutations, and those were usually green... I checked in the course of studying your history. However, hazel eyes are in the Price family with our recessive being blue or dark brown.”

A pause as the two stared each other down, Jed’s lip in a thin almost smile. He was right, she wasn’t stupid. And she had known immediately what he was implying. Even if she hadn’t once listened to his stupid lecture series on f1 and f2 generations.

He continued at her brows furrowing, knowing he had caught her interest.

“I was the recessive blue, but still passed on the dominant gene, to you. My daughter.”

“You’re lying.” She hissed through gritted teeth. She knew he wasn’t, but by God did she want him to be. It all came crashing down in a whirlwind of sense.

“I’m not. And I think you now understand why Juan Tellemanca didn’t deserve you as his daughter. Because you were never his. I changed your ROE after registering your blood sample from the party. Half matched to Casimiro as half-sibling. And half to my own as parent and child. I may be a lot of things, but I would never hurt my own daughter.”

Jedikiah had only been so lucky that Cas was around the corner as she delivered a taste of how willing she was to hurt her own father as she snapped like a rubber band, a familial trait of inherently prone to fits of violent anger flitted through her mind. John, for Jed’s safety and for Clarissa’s sanity, sent her to get some air topside. Apparently, everyone collectively either forgot Ultra had mounted a full scale manhunt for Jedikiah, or they didn’t expect Clari to get caught with the change of ROE... Set by Jed... Who was currently their prisoner.

She had been riding the train for about 10 minutes on loop when Jordan stepped into the car. Jed’s boss, a man he referred to as “The Founder” wanted to talk to her and he was over whatever game her and Jordan had been playing.