#I knew tumblr was going to have a field day with this issue

[jamiesfootball]

Whumptober Easy Mode Edition

Day 2: Trust Issues

Going into Whumptober, I knew I wouldn't be able to fill every day's prompt. However, my discord group is doing daily discussions on each day's prompts, so my goal for the month is to at least play with the ideas and then share a little ditty about them on tumblr. If they get written in the future, great! If not, we can at least all have fun playing in the sandbox together

And then today's idea snowballed and it's actually longer than some of the fics I've posted - it's just gonna be like that sometimes. I talk a lot on discord.

So for today I have in mind an AU of the story I posted for day 1:

What if Ted had tried to reach out to Jamie after he was sent back to Manchester? What if he succeeded?

The general idea is that once Jamie leaves, Ted does keep attempting to reach out to him – at first with well-meant voicemails that Jamie reads the worst into, but then via annoyingly chipper text messages.

The problem is that the nicer Ted is, the more Jamie thinks he’s rubbing his face in it.

“Caught your game last night! I know you weren’t on the field much, but boy you made an impression on those spurs. Way to go, bud!”

To which Jamie hears Ted delighting in his severely reduced minutes, sarcastically mocking him for drawing a foul in the last ten minutes. Disguising mind games behind a facade of kindness.

He already got suckered in by that once. Look where letting people in got him. 

He has no way of knowing that Ted actually cares (except Ted insisting he does, of course). More than that, he has no idea that Ted feels guilty for him getting sent off like that without warning (Jamie doesn’t know what’s going on behind the scenes at Richmond, and Ted is taking full responsibility for the fact that Rebecca ‘misunderstood’ whether Ted wanted to keep Jamie.)

But if Ted thinks that his insistent ‘Good luck out there today!’s are going to somehow get into Jamie’s head, or even trick Jamie into giving up details about City, then he’s sorely mistaken.

In fact, Jamie’s going to take this opportunity to tell Ted exactly what he thinks of him.

So they fall into a pattern:

Ted watches all of Jamie’s matches, even the ones where he doesn’t play. He sends encouragement and cute gifs that make Jamie’s eyes roll into the back of his head.

In return, Jamie watches all of Ted’s matches and interviews. He unleashes insults. He mocks Ted’s ability as a coach and the team’s inability to score a fucking goal without him, and he never misses a chance to point out that Roy Kent is a hairy old twat past his prime.

To his horror this only makes Ted start bringing up Jamie in his interviews, talking about how impressed he is with Jamie’s performance and how he does know one thing that Pep doesn’t seem to know: that that kid’s gonna be a star one day.

(Ted doesn’t think for a second how the fuck that’s going to land for Jamie when he goes back into the dressing room. Fucking hell, Ted)

But then the thing about Manchester is that Jamie really didn’t know how good he had it at Richmond until suddenly he had to deal with his dad being around all the fucking time. And it’s absolutely eroding him, like roadkill getting dragged under the wheels of a car.

So one day he has a match where he gets to play the full ninety. Should be a good thing, right? He can finally show off, and hopefully it’ll help him shake off the weird funk he’s been in lately (trouble sleeping, trouble eating, jumpy as hell, and he can’t seem to focus on anything. Normal, but fuck it hasn't been this bad in a long time)

Instead what happens is he goes out and plays the worst 90 minutes of football he’s had all season. Possibly in his entire life.

He never stood a chance. With other players out on injury, it was a guarantee he’d play, and the opposing team came prepared for blood. 

Honestly, with the exception of one very bad moment, he wasn’t awful. Maybe 60-70% of what he’s been putting up all season. Not great, but he hasn’t had a full game with this team literally all season and his head is in a funky place and he’s stressed out.

But the match is a train wreck, and his dad lets him know it. He rips into Jamie like he’s nothing more than a wet newspaper left out overnight.

The cherry on the situation is when he gets home and checks his phone, he finds that Lasso didn’t even bother to send one of his condescending messages about how ‘great’ he played. That’s how bad he played – even lasso feels guilty taking the piss out of him.

Later that night when he’s licking his wounds and rewatching match coverage on Sky sports for the upteenth time, Jamie decides that no, actually, that’s not fucking fair. If Ted’s going to jerk him around then he needs to commit, he’s not allowed to go radio silent just because he feels bad for Jamie or he pities him or something.

He sends an absolutely scathing text message in this respect.

Meanwhile back in London, Ted also had a Bad Day. His marriage is officially dissolved, custody agreements inked and everything. He’s been antsy all day, and to make matters worse him and Beard had a– well, not a fight, exactly, but a cautioning. Beard knows that he’s been texting Jamie, trying to keep in touch with him, and he questions Ted as to whether he thinks that’s wise. He knows what sort of responses Ted gets out of Jamie, and while Ted brushes them off-

“He’s a bit feisty, but if you look past the bark, he’s not so bad. Hell if you edit out some of the profanity, he’s got some pretty good ideas for Richmond mixed in. Well, between taking pot shots at Roy, that is.”

– Beard thinks Ted is maybe letting himself be a bit of a punching bag out of misplaced guilt surrounding the circumstances of his leaving.

“Wow, you’re not mincing words today, huh?”

But between one thing and another, it all gets jumbled up Ted’s head. Later that night he has a conversation with Henry and it goes- fine. Forced. Feels like they’re just stuck in the same old pattern of Ted asking about school and then a few question about Michelle. Then it’s time for Henry’s day to start just as Ted’s is ending, and maybe he’ll pour himself a drink. Maybe he’s been drinking a bit more than he should be lately.

Mostly he feels like a scooped out person today. It’s not until he gets the text from Jamie that Ted realizes oh shoot, that’s right. Jamie had a match. He better get on that really quick.

Double-time, if the amount of acid of that text is any indication. The fact that Jamie reached out first at all is a concern in itself.

Despite what Beard accused him of (which does have some truth to it, if he’s being honest), Ted does, genuinely, enjoy talking to Jamie. He’s a sharp kid with his own point of view and a unique way of putting things together. Ted wouldn’t want to hurt Beard’s feelings by saying it, but Ted’s always learned better with a visual aid, and between watching Jamie’s matches and hearing Jamie talk unfiltered about Richmond���s performance, Ted thinks something’s finally starting to click for him when it comes to this silly little game they call football.

Or at least it’s clicked enough that when he watches the replay of Jamie’s match, his response is a very emphatic, “Oof.”

“Hey, bud. Sorry I didn’t get back to you sooner. It’s just been a long day. I just watched your match, and wooh-boy, I am sorry. I’m sure that wasn’t exactly how you were hoping your first full game back would go. You know, it’s still crazy to me that y'all actually give the credit of own goals to the player from the opposing team that did it? In hockey, we just give it to the teammate who’s the closest to the goal. Which now that I think of it, probably doesn’t make any sense either, but at least it feels more whimsical. A goal by association, you know, like just the power of somebody else’s presence being nearby was enough to turn the tide and make a difference.

“Look, I know you probably already heard all this tonight – that everyone has a bad day and one match isn’t the end of the world, even if it does feel like it at the time. But you know what, it doesn’t mean you aren’t talented. Sometimes a bad day is just a bad day; nothing for it but to sleep it off and try again next time. So chin up, alright? It’s not easy, trying to find your feet in a place where everyone else already knows what's going on, but anyone who knows you at all should know by now what you’re capable of. This was just a hiccup, nothing worth beating yourself up over. I believe in you, and I know you’ll get ‘em next time.

“Oh, and uh- sorry for the long, rambly voicemail. I know you don’t like those. I just…. I really want you to know that I hope you’re doing alright. And you can call me, too, if you ever need anything, anything at all. I’m just a phone call away.

“You have a good night now.”

Ted hangs up with a long sigh. Not his best work. Nothing he hasn’t said before, really, but he can admit to himself that his heart’s a little sore and that was probably more for himself than for Jamie.

Tomorrow, he promises, tomorrow when he's more clearheaded but no less tenderhearted, he’ll try again. Send Jamie all the usual encouragement and let the kid swat back at him.

Ted doesn’t know that approximately four hours north that Jamie’s listening to his message on repeat. That he’s biting his lower lip so hard that it’s reopened the split. That he’s trying to choke down a sob and losing. That if he presses his face any harder into the cushions, he’ll disappear.

No one told Jamie any of that. Ted’s the only one.

It was easier to brush off Ted when he couldn’t hear the sincerity in his voice. But he listens to the voicemail over and over again, until it’s burned into his brain, until it feels like a living thing in his chest scrambling to get out.

That’s when a niggling feeling of doubt starts to creep in and he starts to scroll back through their text history.

He rereads all the messages Ted has sent him the past few weeks. Caught between Jamie’s own barbwire responses are the “Good job, Jamie!”s and the, “Well done, champ!”s and the, “Well, I don’t know if that sort of feedback is necessarily gonna motivate Roy, but I´ll let him know you were thinking about him. We all really miss you, bud.”

Jamie starts to wonder what they would sound like if they were true. If they were sincere. If Ted really did mean them.

For some reason it’s that thought that finally makes the dam break.

The next two weeks pass in a blur. Ted’s not sure what changed, but after his voicemail something’s different. Usually Jamie thrills in letting Ted have the full force of his opinion, but lately the kid’s so clammed up it’s like digging for pearls. 

(From the way Beard gives him a so-so gesture when he shares his metaphor, Ted figures they’re still in not-agreement on the Jamie situation)

It’s disconcerting, this level of restraint. If he didn’t know any better, he’d swear the kid had gone shy. Not too shy, though. He’s still more than willing to tell Ted exactly where Richmond’s strategy is going wrong, although with less colorful language. No, it's mostly his responses to Ted that have taken a muted turn. The last few congratulations Ted has sent, they haven’t gotten back more than a thumbs up in response – which is the opposite of Roy’s usual thumbs down approach. Now Ted has two players that are stubbornly sticking to pictographic communication methods.

(He may not be Jamie’s coach anymore, but in every way that matters Jamie is still his player in his heart)

Ted’s still turning around the puzzle that is Jamie Tartt when the universe decides to throw him a curveball in the form of a phone call from the Mancunian devil himself.

Ted’s halfway through a greeting when Jamie cuts him off with a panicked, “You said I could call you if I ever needed something. Did you mean it?”

There’s a sense of urgency in his voice that makes the hair on the back of Ted’s neck stand up. 

“I meant it from the bottom of my heart. What’s going on? Are you okay?”

In the long pause that follows, ambient noise filters in, a severe and orderly racket that starts filling in some blanks.

Jamie inhales sharply. He sounds wrecked. “I’m in hospital. I’ve, uh. I’ve got a concussion, and they won’t let me leave without…”

He trails off. A small sniff brushes down the line, but it could just as easily be a shirtsleeve sliding across the speaker.

Ted is four hours away down in Richmond. He was on his way to practice. Later this evening, he has one of those press conferences that’s a little too shaped like a firing squad for his comfort. At lunch, he has a meeting scheduled with the scouting department. He’s spent the better part of a week trying to figure out a way to say, “I get what you’re all suggestion, but what I really want is sitting up in Manchester, warming the bench on somebody else’s roster.”

He doesn’t know when he decided he’d fight to get Jamie back, but it wouldn’t change his answer even if he did.

“I‘ll be right there.”

[zephfair]

Hello? Anyone still here?

Hey, who disappeared for months and has desperately missed all her little friends who live on this hell-site but has been too exhausted and overwhelmed to actually login ... and who lost track of where this sentence was going ... Yeah, this girl.🤗

But, wow, have I missed you all and all the beauty that is Tumblr, and I hope you'll forgive me for secreting myself away since--holy cow--January.

Quick life update behind the cut.

So, I knew going back to work full-time at my age after quite a long unintended break AND now having health disabilities, well, I knew it would be hard. I knew I would have to adjust my whole, entire life. I expected it to be incredibly difficult, and I fully planned to give myself some grace and time in having to change my every routine.

But somehow, I still underestimated it.

I am so thankful to have a job now, with a steady (if small) income and benefits that frankly make me want to weep with thanks. I mean, I don't have time to go to the doctor, but at least now I could afford to go, if I could get there.

But wow, work is tough. Not just the literal work but, as I said, changing my entire life around it. I'm not complaining, but I am doing my best to learn all new skills (job is not in my old field), relearn how to work and reschedule my own needs and just upend everything.

The absolute worst thing has been trying to take care of my aunt. I was to leave town on Jan. 7 to start my training on Jan. 8.

My 90-year-old aunt fell and broke her pelvis (and a finger and needed some stitches) Jan. 2. I spent every waking hour with her over the rest of that week. While I'd planned to spend that week cleaning my house, getting my business in order and just resting, I was freaking out and traveling through the snow and literally worried sick about her.

It was bad.

And I couldn't stay with her like I did when she broke her hip because I had to attend training full-time. At least they let us come home super-early from that first on-site week of training, but that led to a literal nightmare of a drive home one night through snow, ice, rain, flooding and fog that I'm not joking I've had nightmares about before and now since. Long story.

So, I spent January and February training and working 9 hours a day then spending all day Saturday at her place cleaning and doing laundry and making sure she had everything she needed for a week, and then I had Sunday to do my own laundry and clean the house and take care of my own things...which just keep getting pushed back because I'm too worn out.

Thank God, Aunt made a miraculous recovery and now is doing her own house and laundry etc. but I still go out one day a weekend and do anything else she needs and make sure she has all her groceries and supplies and stuff.

We're all each other has.

Needless to say, I haven't been taking care of myself. I don't sleep well anyway, but add the stress of the new job and my dear aunt and my own health issues, and I'm exhausted. Weary. Overwhelmed and just so very tired. My body is so heavy, I can barely move anymore. It's bad.

And when I finally got to my doctor two weeks ago for my long-delayed check-up, found out I was right about my blood pressure being sky-high again. It went high for the first time several years ago when my Mom was dying, but it eventually settled and was fine. But yeah, it's bad again now. No shock there. And all my lovely chronic health conditions have flared which was no surprise--again, I had braced myself to expect it and power through it, and that's what I'm doing. But it sucks. And it's hard. And there's so much pain.

I don't want to say much about my job, but the over-arching Praise the Lord wonderful thing about it is working from home. There have been so many days already that I never would've been able to get to an office to work, but I can push through it here because I don't have to use any spoons to get myself "ready" (sweatshirts and leggings, no personal grooming necessary, yay), and I don't have any anxiety about driving because zero commute. It has its challenges too because Teams is a weird office communication alternative to get used to, but on the good side, I don't have to deal with interpersonal drama from co-workers.

The work itself is challenging, but I have some days where I finally feel quietly competent and think, Oh, I can actually do this. And then there are some days that leave me in tears and praying for help because it's just too hard. But there's no way I'm quitting; they're going to have to fire me because did I mention the benefits are incredible? I mean, I live in the US and if you knew how much I had to pay last year for my own health insurance, and then the scope and biopsies and then the skin cancer and surgery and then the other skin pre-cancer biopsy and treatment. Yeah, I'm still in big debt from all of that.

So I keep praying that they keep me and that I'll do a good job. And my immediate supervisor has started piling extra work on me over the past 3 weeks so suddenly I'm doing my own stuff AND cleaning up the work from co-workers who aren't keeping up. And all of them have been working since October while just a handful of us began in January?

I have been complaining about this to my aunt, and I thought it meant that my supervisor thinks I'm incapable or is punishing me for trying to get through own my entire workload every single day. But she believes he's giving me all their shit work because I'll actually do it, and I admit, I have gotten some of it completed successfully after they'd given up on it. So, I don't know.

I know that I'm a perfectionist and I've always pushed myself as hard as possible to do my best at work (not at housework and other things in my life lols) but I really hope that it gets me a good reputation at this job and they keep me.

So yeah, that's what's going on here. I've completely abandoned the fandom things in life that I actually enjoy. I almost feel, like, guilty when I'd think about trying to make some time to browse Tumblr or wasting time on social media or even trying to write fic. I get done with work at 6:30 pm, and until I get something to eat and then clean up, it's 8 or 8:30. I have to spend about an hour on the phone with Aunt (and I call her every morning, break, and lunch time too). By then, I can barely walk or move so I just try to make it upstairs to bed. Even though I can't sleep, it just feels nice to lie down.

But I miss all of you. And I miss fandom fun. And I want to be around more because maybe it would recharge me rather than me feeling so freaking overwhelmed every minute of the day.

And I promise not to complain and bitch all the time, now that I've gotten it out of my system. But thanks for listening.

I do miss you, and I love you all.

PLEASE let me know if I've missed anything important in your lives and goings on here! I've got A LOT of catching up to do!

[reflections-in-a-critical-eye]

I've been slacking in the literature dep here, despite saying I'll talk more about that. But today I thought I might show a really really small part of my book collection. More than 80% of them are somewhere else and one day when I move into a larger place, I'll have my own study/library room that I can fill with everything I own.

Most of the books here are in English. I find that in some cases, reading a translation doesn't do it justice. Like in Joan Didion's case. That is not to say that translation is not an art in and of itself.

I'm not the biggest Virginia Woolf fan. I initially had to force myself to read Mrs. Dalloway, but then I got accustomed to her style. I'm still not a fan and I still haven't touched the book you see in the photo, but perhaps someday.

I picked that famous Jane Goodall book after I watched a documentary about her work in the 60s. I only knew her by name, but no details. The book also filled that big gap and it was just amazing to read how she developed an entire field of study.

My Year of Rest and Relaxation was a purchase influenced by some recommendation made on this website The Attic on Eighth. It's made by these young women who write about literature, art, politics, fashion and food and from what I could tell, they all met through tumblr!

Anyway, the book was an experience, to say the least. Anyone looking for appealing main characters to root for should stay away from it. But if you've ever gone through depression and have no issue reading about the habits and actions of a spoiled rich girl (and a real bitch too), then go for it. I don't regret it.

Hm, what else? Let me go through quickly for a few others. Enchanted April is perfect for easy session of reading when you want to relax on a lounge chair. And if you can do it in a garden, even better. And then if you want something a bit more scandalous, some satire of 1930s British upper class, Evelyn Waugh is the way to go. Perhaps pair it with Maurice as well.

I couldn't finish that Margaret Atwood novel and the Foucault is just for research. The Secret History was another purchase influenced by scrolling through tumblr. A lot of hype around it, but it's a good book too. So it deserves its reputation in a way.

I read Proceed With Caution (fanfic readers might now it) and Giovanni's Room was mentioned. A few weeks later I saw it in a bookstore so I grabbed it. I was bawling my eyes out towards the end and I remember finishing it during working hours because I couldn't put it down. I'm glad I work from home.

As to Joan Didion, my plan is to have a collection of her entire works. I know comparing and wishing to write similarly like someone else is redundant, but my god I wish I could have a particular style like her. Didion has a special way of looking and examining the world around her in ways that are not so obvious. It's difficult for me to describe her writing style. It's journalism through a personal filter, but like in this sort of perfect balance. Reading one essay of her and you'd know exactly what I'm talking about.

So that would be it for now. There are some other titles scattered there, but some I have yet to read.

[schuylerpeck]

Hi Sky! I have legit been following your blog & art for over ten years at this point and if I may, I absolutely adore you and your writing. I've been a fan since you did the writing prompts here on tumblr and you have inspired me in so many ways.

I have recently decided that I would like to go public with my poems too, but it's really scary to make yourself so vulnerable while wanting your art to be seen at the same time. I was wondering if you had any advice for a baby poet on where to start or what to look out for? Is Instagram a good place to publish poems for the first time? Do you recommend using a watermark or some trademark symbol to prevent people from stealing?

If there is any time you would be willing to take out of your day to answer some of these questions, it would be highly appreciated 💕 Thank you for being the person you are, I hope you are well.

sweet friend !! <3

ten years!!! my goodness, I'm sending you a tight embrace.

how exciting! (terrifying, yes, but exciting!) first, I want to say that whether you do decide to share your writing with the world, or if you change your mind and keep it to yourself—you are still a writer. that doesn't change with where you're writing it or who may be reading it. <3 that being said, I have a lot of tricky thoughts on this matter, so I hope any of it can be of help to you.

I'd think about what your interest is in sharing your work (if you're looking for community, personal interest/relief, publicity, etc.). that way, you can manage your expectations, set a practice or a schedule (if needed), and hopefully bypass any initial feelings of rejection.

I'll let you know now that the fear of vulnerability never really goes away. (haha, sorry<3) 10+ years of this and my stomach still tangles itself sometimes before I click "Post." I remember when I first started sharing poetry, it felt like I was flinging myself off a great height, hoping there was a soft place to land at the bottom. after a while, I grew an appreciation of feeling brave. every so often, a stranger might send me some kind words; that they knew the feeling I was talking about, or needed to hear what I had to say. I began feeling more proud of my writing style and ideas. those aspects (which can take time to cultivate) continue to make it feel worth it.

the last two questions, I'll answer here. instagram has its purpose, but it is very important to remember that if you have any intention of reaching an audience, you will constantly be working to please an algorithm. (again, intentions are important here. hoping to just share with friends every once and a while? no problem. go for it!) I am so, so, so grateful tumblr has been the first home (and main home) for my writing. as much as this site has changed over the years and definitely has its flaws, it's felt like a more welcoming environment and has a way of sharing art that aligns with (most) of my ideals. (less competitive mindset, doesn't demand a constant feed/output, no one knows/cares how many followers you have, you can never post a selfie/be completely anonymous and it's chill.) I don't have that much experience with watermarks (and thankfully, only a few instances of plagiarism), so I can't speak to that regard as confidently. although, I think I pivoted to posting my poetry in picture format to deter stealing. you still take risks posting anything online, so it's up to you, but I see people frequently using watermarks without issue.

again, I'm so excited for you! "thank you" seems to fall short in how grateful I feel for such long-held support. please know it means the world to me. I can't wait to see your work (should you decide to share) and am wishing you many green clover-filled fields of good luck. <3 mwah!

[purple-compromise]

[A fun BLU Specialist-centric fic submitted by @taytay4674788 Thank you so, so much for sharing this!! 💜]

Yeah this took a while between tumblr being weird with glitches and going back and forth with support on unresolved issues since October. But I think I found a temporary way to submit stuff to you at least at the moment ( at least 8 pages of fic in google docs).

I originally wanted to do a double take moment via a dream but it didn’t make much sense to do so with red spesh(and that’s going to be with a different character instead ;) )… So I ended up doing an eight page half character study half second half story with Blu spesh instead, as I enjoy making characters suffer having them question their own morals! It might be Ooc for both blu med(to be fair blu med would likely relish in torture in you wronged him or to send a message, especially if it’s from the enemy team) and blu spesh but I’d love to hear thoughts anyway since it’s been nearly a solid year since my last actual fic, on top of the fact that this is my first reader fic and first time writing the mercs. There is a part one to this fic, I just held it off since I had better flow with this one and I’m still trying to figure out dialogue, characterization and a few other details so the period of time is intentionally vague so it can act as a stand alone.All I know is that it takes place after chapter 31 in TIWWAN, and this is on the in-game Badlands control point map, not Teufort, not the overall arching map of The Badlands.

Very important distinction.

_______________

You aren’t a bad person for taking this job. You knew that you’d get money,good money. Highest pay rate than anywhere in this backwater wasteland to send back home and still have enough to indulge into cigarettes daily from the dinky corner store in town.

So should it disturb you as much as it really should?

You kill each other out on the field every day, with most of the time the Red bastards push through to capture a point. So really it should be an equal retribution in all things considered. She kills you, you kill her. It’s all equal in the circle of life in a private war funded by cash that even the IRS wouldn’t shy an eye away from collecting all of it if it weren’t for Miss Pauling. You may have been the family disappointment to drop out of college, but you’re sure as hell that you’re not letting your sister do so. She has viable dreams to chase, well you, just need a little more time to figure it out.

Flicking open the nice red and white packaging of your care unit of cigarettes into your crisp uniform pocket of your assigned blue uniform, hair neatly tucked and out of the way. Counting under your breath the fresh cigarettes left in your case; you’ll be going to town this weekend to get some more. You’ve been saving the ones Spy has acquired for you, towards .. a later occasion, for when it really matters. For now, the ones from the corner store are going to suffice, even if it just tastes like chemically processed tobacco.

Your boots, a bit dusty from today’s scrimmage against those Red team bastards, click gently against the quiet blue dirt stained concrete. Making your way out through the hall passing cold steel to have a quiet smoke, the hum of electricity droning a bit too loudly in your ears for your taste. Maybe staring up at the stars for a bit if it isn’t cloudy again tonight. Sometimes it brings peace when you can’t listen to rerun broadcasts of Earplay on the radio that Engineer built for your team, that is when you could get more than the two stations Tuefort has and.. When you’re in the mood.. For that sort of.. Media. Yet, it’s a bit of romance and entertainment you needed while waiting for The Firesign Theatre to release their latest album of dramas.

Art keeps you human, on a fragile equilibrium from diving into the pure insanity that is your team. Being paid to kill humans, who well, keep reviving through technology that most would strive to get their hands on to achieve immortality. It can be a nasty sentiment that you don’t like to think about when it crawls up. How humans with bonds can and will destroy each other over the smallest discrepancies out of greed.

The uncanny valley isn't a physical place, only one of the mind. Diving straight into your soul. To unsettle yourself from the basic facts of life.. At least.. As you know them.

Does it unsettle you, walking past the infirmary in the evening, peeking through the infirmary double doors carelessly left open as if it was an actual medical emergency. It probably would’ve been, if the ones screaming bloody murder weren’t .. feminine screams, ones that match your own after taking a buckshot to the back. To witness a struggle between your team's medic and a visage of yourself trying to fend back clearly being overpowered from experimental medicine. Her blood, iron instead of standard antiseptic, attacking your senses. Nearly being able to taste it despite it being scattered on the floor and not on your hands this time. A mess against the contrast of the lack of life in the sterile halls collecting dust and oil. Fluorescent lights screaming out with a buzz with an underlying static tone against your heart rate. One needle that you can tell, already sticking out from her dominant arm, it’s different from the standard syringes your medic uses while in battle. Then again he’s mentioned offhand about a crossbow type weapon that he’s been gloating in development as of late, at least whenever you had an issue that a cigarette couldn't solve. His blue scheme of a lab coat is disrupted by large splotches of crimson soaking into the material on his shoulder, while she is struggling to keep awake. Grimacing on her face definitely indicates that something more than–

“Fräulein!-”

The loud slamming of metal trays holding medical instruments against the concrete floor in an escape attempt off the gurney forces you to jump back in a bit of pain and out of sightline. The sudden loudness to look away from the sight, forcing you out of your thoughts to cower, covering your ears. Gunshots are one thing, metal on concrete is probably worse. Oh definitely you’re going to get her on the battlefield for that one.

For only a moment that you consider that maybe he has one shred of decency in him. He rarely, if never takes a charity case on the field, especially for the enemy team. Perhaps that there’s actually a moral compass in there somewhere; trying to maybe preserve her life from whatever injuries—

Smack!

The sickening short sound echoing out of the infirmary reverberates against your heart. Shouts of insulting degradation, an unnatural sounding crack resulting in a sharp feminine cry of pain shortly following his remarks. Something you aren’t accustomed to outside of combat, especially not coming from yourself.

A quiet sigh further reinforces your gut judgment of character into actual fact of life about your medic. Not surprising in the slightest. Blue is not a calming color on this team, regardless of what literary analysis says.

Glancing back in as your team’s medic degrades your red counterpart, her coat’s thrown across the floor soaking up drying blood. No sign of visible weaponry as far as you could tell between the scuffling. You don’t know a lick of German, and don’t care to learn, but his expression reads of one who clearly has the upper hand in this fight as far as you can tell. His weight shifts quickly to keep her pinned down with one arm as she still flails to get him off. She is rightfully terrified, attempting to calculate another escape route struggling against the gurney, not seeing a needle sedative of some sort ready to inject into her flesh; hiding behind his back presumably grabbing from one of the smaller trays not immediately by the gurney. Only for your counterpart to use any means of what’s left functioning to get away from him, grasping at the restraints to undo them one handedly. Really the only time you could sympathize with her. If you could help her, you would. Her death is on the battlefield, not one on one with your medic who breaks femurs for amusement. As of now, you can only offer pity.

He’s absolutely playing god for his own benefit, and dialing it up beyond 10. Evidently in the vindictive smile he wears as his blue gloved hand wrapped around her throat. Relishing in her distorted chokes, her body still convulsing to fight his grip. Probably leaving a bruise if she doesn’t get sent through respawn first. Her distress is that his other hand is probably touching open wounds, likely in retaliation of some sort.

It’s something you’ve known all along, nor does it surprise you by any means. However, a human trained in pharmaceuticals to lose their shit on a patient who’s at a current physical disadvantage.. And torturing them in a way to send a message, seeking vengeance outside of the battlefield, leaves a distaste in your mouth.

It furthers your questioning of how your own medic sees you. You already knew that he sees you as a sack of organs waiting to be mixed and matched into a chimera abomination. A chill courses down into your spine in a pale realization.

Who’s to stop him from treating you the same way he does her? A paycheck?

You need a cigarette.

You don’t think that you’re a bad person, the medic on your team would absolutely flip your organs around like a 1,000 piece puzzle, pushing the limit of functioning. Interfering with his latest vanity project of immortality, is not worth being under the knife instead of your counterpart. That’s a fight between him and his counterpart for data, not you to be a martyr for someone who knew what she signed up for. Shrieks and swears threaten to distract you from your internal justifications once again.

It hits you, she’s been able to beat you down on the field before and has most definitely sent you straight back to respawn before. She should be able to defeat this man single handedly by all things considered in terms of adrenaline strength, you think. Briefly glossing over that Engineer had stayed back to test out a prototype of a sentry model and a few other machines outside. Mentioned it back at dinner a couple nights back about improving positioning and range, recalling that conversation in your mind. But even then, a normal sentry hasn’t completely taken her down with her shield without an übercharge, it at least hasn’t with your own shield by any means when you’re paying attention and not getting shot at from their loudmouth Scout. For now, you stare back to the corkboard filled with notes neatly laying on beige and blue paint on the walls. Looking for a rationalized answer, as if the corkboard of past events and reminders would just give it to you.

Memory flickers back from earlier before shift, Medic mentioning about a crossbow weapon in development. Something about needing a longer range, in order to focus on building über to take out the Red team, truly you have a tendency to tune out the bastard most of the time. Really it wouldn’t surprise you if it was really an excuse for him to just build über with Heavy. He’d probably stick that Medigun of his right up Heavy's ass if he physically could with how he doesn’t heal much of anyone else on his own team, except at the beginning of the match. Your eyes slowly search back into the blast of fluorescents, she still wriggling under his touch, an animal trying to gnaw off its leg caught in a trap to escape.

She probably would’ve struck equal if the ever increasing mass of needles, at least one that you’re guessing is a numbing agent, weren't stuck in her dominant arm. Only one of them you recognize from surgery, the others just look indistinguishable from his syringe gun but its size forces you to swallow down spit in your dry throat. Her fingers are trying to feel for something as the metal doesn’t feel crisp, spitting at your medic in disgust. Mentioning something about adjusting the contents of whatever he shot her with, the nut case being overwhelmingly gleeful about it too. Her, while you give her credit for being a fighter, slowly keeps searching to leverage against. Anything to try and gain an advantage.

Her eyes, realizing you are still staring into a macabre mirror of horror, locking into yours, silently pleading to you for a swift death. Something to get out of his hands. The air drops into a cold you haven’t felt in sometime, as all you could do was stare back at her. Reaching out if her closest arm wasn’t restrained down against the gurney, minimally in spirit. At least for a moment, before a natural response averts the moment into one of resistance from instruments of surgery to shredding flesh.

Is it wrong to outright deny mercy in a power imbalance to your enemy who is clearly begging for it?

Would she grant that same mercy to you?

The flashes of her pleading for death on a doctor's gurney in your mind, processing the unnaturality of it. Not that you fight her everyday over god knows what, or that she’s in surgery, the contrast of red outside the battlefield is supposed to be the remnants of blood medic should be cleaning up. Not dissecting a patient from the enemy team after hours.

For you to imagine intervening and putting a bullet between her eyes out of mercy has a different moment of surrealism. Yes you’ve insulted, spat on, kicked, trampled over her corpse, and probably broke her nose with more force than necessary more than a few times during work hours.. you.. easily forget when indulging in victory when the final bell rings at 3pm.. just not 7:38 in the evening, looking at a reflection where a mirror isn’t supposed to be.

You really need a cigarette.

Peeling yourself away from the sights and sounds of yourself, jittery hands reach for a lighter in the opposing pocket. Deliberately ignoring the drying blood on the floors trailing through the halls, that you noticed taking a second glance. The scent of iron you didn’t create slowly leaves your senses. Forcing the chilling screams fading back into echoes once again. Letting your body go on autopilot towards a quieter spot towards the exit door as the sounds of the infirmary become mere echoes. To the sound of comforting footsteps at this moment in time. Flipping the lip of the white and red box to reach for the safe constant of tobacco.

The Badlands despite being a natural wasteland spanning several acres.. Does have its own natural beauty when not roasting alive underneath the harsh sun of the New Mexico desert. Really the moments of transition between night and day are poetic in their own right. A production ending with a curtain call each day, skipping over the rehearsal and casting call; Straight on to the show for the next morning. A repetitive show that doesn’t truly conclude.

Click, click, click

The cold lighter shakes slightly as you try to focus on just having a quiet smoke. Your thumb brushes over the smoothness of the lighter as you close it with a solid click. Trying to wipe away.. whatever the hell you’d encountered back there.

Inhaling spicy warm tobacco gives you comfort from the thoughts and guilt of your mind. A walk, your brain drifts, is what you need. Exhaling out a puff of gray smoke, admiring the sun slowly setting into the evening sky. The cirrus clouds clawing through the sky breaking the gradient of the evening, layering clouds upon itself as your shadows trails further behind you. The dirt and sand kicking up under your boots, heels dragging along creating a path in the quiet desert, straying away from base the nightlife slowly waking up to their circadian rhythm against the machine guns and soaking of the day’s bloody rain.

Your peace.. is disrupted from the following of loud curses in German, maybe a different dialect but you can’t quite tell if it’s the echo.. And distinct, American English echoing through the landscape. Which is to be expected, after all, she’s patient zero for an upgrade in immortality that’s what you could gather from the medical record from your first intelligence grab. A big game of capture the flag, really.

With a syringe gun and shotgun pointed out barreling towards you, you throw your hands up that’s normally reserved for a bitter defeat. Yes, your Commander is at the ready if their idiotic Soldier starts blasting at you for existing in blue; but if the fight is unpaid it’s not worth your time. Your Soldier may berate you for insubordination or some shit, and the worst side of the spectrum is that Medic might schedule a sudden examination of your internal organs. Getting sent through respawn after hours isn’t worth buying time for someone you loathe to be around. Besides, as long as your Red counterpart doesn’t screw up by doing something incredibly stupid, you’ve got free room and board. A class on both sides or none at all, right?

You roll your eyes as their incredibly loud Soldier, starts barking orders and pumps his shotgun, presumably to aim at your chest. Incessant arguing increasingly becomes irritating to the disagreement you’re not even a part of. At least their medic has enough of a brain to identify a peace offering when he sees one.

Their Medic dressed in red narrows his brows in suspicion. Granted from his irritation, he himself has slathers of blood covering his lab coat, the dust decorating him in an offset of brown glitter. Working on who, well with an enormously large figure hauling a large glintering silver barrel at his side just pacing further behind from the duo here? Well it doesn’t take a ton of context clues to figure it out.

“It’s too much of a lovely evening to be standing out here in the desert. Might want to check out the infirmary for sunburns. The desert is harsh on skin after all.”

Pulling the cigarette out of your mouth for a moment to flick the glowing embers to the dusty earth, the dry smoke blowing from your lips. Their medic, placing themselves a bit more forward probably to keep their soldier from shooting you into swiss cheese. The desert sands carrying your voice out further towards the enemies who shoot you up on a daily basis, a sigh escaping from your lungs,

“ Fellas! I didn’t sign up for unpaid overtime, you don’t exist to me after that final point is captured at 3pm.”

Your eyes connect to try and read their next move, syringe and shotguns still not fully lowered. Obvious distrust, needing more information that clearly isn’t a trap into an ambush. Or a spy posing as you from your own team. After all, you’d hope at least some of your teammates would hold you to have a similar weight of importance in their eyes if Red ever decides to pluck you in retaliation from this event.

You nudge your head slightly towards base, as a directional guide. A puff of smoke exhaling out from your mouth, blocking the view of two visibly stern faces of your sights.

“Mighty shame that our Engineer hasn’t been able to fix our defective emergency exit alarms near our second point, yet..” A specific piece of information needed to earn trust, I mean your Engineer has been caught up with a few different projects lately, neglecting any other maintenance that he can easily fix around this particular base. But it is on his list to fix, whether he actually has gotten to it is yet to be foreseen. It’s up to the Administrator now to decide if an evening brawl would be worthy to add to the workday. That would be a nightmare.

“I’m sure he’ll get to it once he gets a break.”

Clear cut eyes still question your authority, not the answer of a go ahead for a temporary truce. Really, it likely had the opposite effect with their fingers sliding towards the trigger, while your tired hands are slowly seceding to your own gun. If they fire first, well, it shows a reflection of their own character. That or they need more of an outright spelled out truth. Which really, the lead paint they must’ve licked, had done more damage than what New York State had initially found in their own population.

“Don’t bother to waste your bullets–”

A quiet snark leaving your throat, the smoke escaping your lips as the warm cigarette rests between your forefingers.

“–Sending me through respawn only gives him more time.”

Fallen ash singes against the cooling desert sand, drifting back into the earth between the gentle breeze. Their soldier, becoming increasingly antsy about the lack of gunpowder flying into the air, doesn't even bother to hide it on his face. To level the amount of testosterone of ego out on a 3 v 1, your eyes connect with the shade of crimson with a cross that trails up to their medic.

“She needs you more than what I’m worth in wasted time.”

Perhaps in a way, bargaining for a favor without outright stating it, being saved for a later date not explicitly labeled. You haven’t once brandished your gun for a show of power, nor have they shot you up into a million pieces. Granting mercy to bloodthirsty mercenaries. Aside from some on your team berating you for inaction, the Administrator has eyes everywhere in the Badlands, not just this particular map of dust. You’ve seen the hawking cameras blinking in dark corners documenting everyone’s moves. Could it land you under Miss Pauling’s quicklime? Possibly.. If it’s a repeated behavior, however, you don’t foresee that happening again. If their medic is anything like yours, it’s possible that your counterpart would be tethered to him on the field. Given her judgments and of what little Spy has shared in code, you seriously doubt that she’ll listen to even her own healer of the team.

You’re only here for money, not to worry about anyone else. It’s the entire point of why you’re here in the first place, not to brawl it out 24/7.

Are you putting too much faith in your enemies? Quite likely, but maybe you can guilt one of the three of them for a favor down the line if this fragile equilibrium, at some point, falls apart. It’s not a guarantee, but it’s a risk you’re willing to take. A life for a life won’t leverage its own weight in a world of daily rebirth by bloodshed. A debt for a debt holds a hierarchy in a lawless land.

Their medic, jaw clenched, must've struck a nerve somewhere but refuses to show it. Giving a silent eye to their Heavy for a silent reassurance of the next step. While their Soldier is barely keeping restraint to shoot something on behalf of Uncle Sam or for the honor of America. A brief moment of silence, before sharp eyes reacknowledge your peace bargain.

“Danke.”

A 2/3rd agreement to keep moving forward, while Soldier grumbling at sparing the life of an enemy. He may be trigger happy because you exist in blue, but at the least is willing to half recognize a peace offering with information.

The barrage of dust and sand kicks back up, as their plans of attack fade with the movement of tumbleweeds strolling alongside you under a waning moon. Hand resting in the comfort of your coat pockets. Your cigarette, a dim beacon of light against the growing darkness in the night sky. Stars peeking out against the handful of bright lights against wooden shacks against the field.

The logistics of morality in private combat is ever changing, and quite frankly gives you a headache to try and think about “doing the right thing” when following the money supports your family. Your heart only knows one certainty when it comes to such mental conflicts on the field.

You’re not a bad person.

____________

A few fun facts with the research I did for this fic:

New York city was the first city to outlaw further usage of lead paint in 1960 before New York state followed through banning usage of lead paint in the late 70s. Lead was effectively banned in 1986, however it didn’t apply to pipes that were already in the ground and walls already painted with lead, it only banned new lead pipes to be placed in for usage beyond. https://www.nyc.gov/site/doh/health/health-topics/lead-poisoning-information-for-building-owners.page

https://www.brookings.edu/blog/up-front/2021/05/13/what-would-it-cost-to-replace-all-the-nations-lead-water-pipes/

I had to take a few liberties with blue spesh and a bit of history too, so I figured that she might get enjoyment out of radio dramas since her inspiration of doing theater in university before dropping out had to come from somewhere. The 70s had a dry spell of radio dramas, since reruns of shows weren’t really commonplace and many live radio dramas were performed live on air in the 40s and 50s until recording media for reruns. Earplay is an actual radio drama that aired in 1972 until 1982 but got picked up by other networks at least until the 1990s.But for this fic its gonna be running a bit earlier than 1972. The Firesign Theatre actually did have some albums for their shows, before their second split.https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Firesign_Theatre#Albums

[kaija-rayne-author]

Finished the main game with my qunari. (Again, 3rd time, this series has me so hard.) I'm very ready for this run to be done.

The 'make Solas hate me' thing wasn't even remotely easy for me. Though, I gotta admit antagonizing him was fun for a while. 😅 I'm only playing Trespasser with this character, (not the other DLCs) because I'm having painful dysphoria issues with the curvier female qunari form.

There's a reason I usually play male elves. Skinny little twinks are pretty androgynous and don't bother my dysphoria so much. Even female elves don't bother me. They're all pretty androgynous. If only I were.

Plus pointed ears. My entire family has slightly pointed ears so it's just fun.

I actually only gave Sera a Romance chance because of a tumblr post I saw. I'm glad I did. It was the hardest Romance of all for me, but it’s actually really sweet and happy. Good brain chemicals.

As soon as I finish Trespasser to get angry Solas end lines, I'm going to take another run at modding Frostbite. (Seeing bitchy Solas in game was way more powerful for me than a YouTube watch would be.)

I've been modding games since modding became a thing, so it wasn't fun to realize how bloody difficult Frostbite is to mod.

But because I really want to play DA:I with some of the mods, and because DA:DW is built on Frostbite too, I gotta figure it out. It was mostly an ADHD patience/frustration thing, I think. I expected reasonable levels of difficulty in modding Frostbite and it is an absolute monster.

I'm actually tempted to play the whole series again since I'm almost done with reading the books and comics. They added so much depth to the games and characters that I'm curious about how it'll change my perception of them.

And I've heard there's art and references to 'The Dread Wolf' in all games. Curiousity absolutely gets me into trouble, frequently. 😅

It's how I ended up on the Solavellan Hell train. I knew who Solas was 'cause I'd already played DA:I, but I still did a Solavellan playthrough out of curiousity.

Being a writer/editor/literary analyst, I didn't truly think that Weekes would snag me, much less snag me so fucking hard!

So, yeah. A day or two, depending on how much time I have to game, to finish Trespasser, and then I'll be trying again to mod this beast of a game engine.

Once you're an insider in publishing, it becomes more and more difficult throughout the years for stories to capture you. I know all the tropes and can see where things are going so easily because I've been working professionally in this field for close to a decade.

Even with that, Weekes grabbed me by the heart then proceeded to rip my heart out. (He did it in Masked Empire too, great book.) Gotta love star crossed lovers. It's one of my very favourite tropes and I'm actually grateful that Weekes reached me. So little does anymore. And to think I got into this field after leaving STEM because I love to read 🤣, oh... sweet summer child.

Once I get it successfully modded, I'll decide on a full series replay (it would give me more to write about) or not.

Right now, I'm so stressed out by my job search that I'm clinging to DA as my only real stress relief. Usually special interests aren't this chronologically long lasting for me. I tend to cycle through them more quickly.

But with the job search being what it is, and my stress levels being through the roof, I'm just grateful this one hasn't abandoned me yet.

You really wouldn't think finding a decent job (something I'm good at, salary with good benefits, ideally remote because I'm more productive from my home office) would be so difficult, would you?

Anyway, enough of me jawing about DA for now. I need to make an online portfolio for my graphic design stuff. I've been doing it as long as I've been doing editing & literary critique (24 years), and writing for 33 years, but having an online portfolio hasn't ever been a priority because my clients have always found me by word of mouth.

Sigh. I'd rather be doing many other things. I just want a job I can be good at that I'm paid a living wage for that actually uses my skills and maybe pushes me a little to increase my abilities. One that doesn't require my autistic/ADHD ass to do social things because that's probably around the 7th layer of hell for me. Why is that so hard to find?

[little-green-lies]

I can't believe you think they're treating Choni badly this season or that they have bad storylines and especially that they painted Toni as a villain in 708 when she was simply finally granted some perspective and they tackled an issue with their own writing that always plagued Choni back in the high school days, to show how much they've matured. Their content this season is nothing short of excellent.

Okay this is the second time I'm typing this because Tumblr glitched and wouldn't post the first one. I probably typed too much but I really wanted to give you a solid answer. I will try to keep this more succint but I have a lot of thoughts on this so hopefully it posts this time.

I apparently also deleted my first paragraph so I've typed this section out three times now. I do not think they are treating Choni bad this season. My issue is and will continue to be the setting for this season. After two seasons of them not being together they've now thrown them into a situation in which they "can't" be together and that irks me. I thought when we got confirmation that they were soulmates, that maybe just maybe they'd let them be fully happy in the final season. And that is the full crux of the issue, it's the LAST season. I discuss Riverdale a lot more on my main page (which I encourage you to check out because I do speak about this a lot more in the tags of a lot of my Riverdale reblogs) but i actually just made a post stating that I think this may be Riverdale's best season. They opened this season with one of the strongest episodes I've seen in television thus far. Especially coming from a CW show. I do think this season is also shaping up to be Choni's second best season. They've had a lot of solid scenes and Vanessa and Madelaine are giving it their ALL. That being said, forgive me for hoping the last season would be spent wrapping up happy endings mixed with the usual Riverdale drama. I did not go into this season expecting SO MUCH new plot. And if it wasn't the last season, I wouldn't complain as much. That's always been my biggest gripe, it's the last season. That's all. If this was season 5 or 6 and I knew we had 7 seasons, then I would have nothing to say. Because yes, it's given us some really good content. I just don't want it for the finale. They could've tackled homophobia back when Kevin came out to his dad or when Cheryl came out to Toni. I don't want to see my favorite character forced back into the closet because they decided to set us in one of the worst eras in American history.

Now for my villain comment. I stand by that. I do think that scene framed Toni in a really bad light and here's why: Everything she said was valid and yes, it's an issue I've been wanting them to tackle for YEARS. What she said is not what made her the villain. It was the way they framed the scene that I knew would be misconstrued by the people that watch this show and always have a bone to pick about whatever she says or does. Up until that scene, we were led to believe that Toni's biggest issue with Choni is that she lost herself. But all they show that as, is she's given up writing for cheer. Okay fine, drop cheer and go back to writing. Cheryl wants to see her gf but she's not gonna stop her from doing what she loves. However, Toni breaking up with her felt out of left field to me because she's allowed to be her own person AND still date Cheryl. So I figured maybe they were setting it up for the fact that she doesn't like commitment and the other greaser got in her head about Cheryl being a rich girl too scared to come out of the closet. Also a valid reason. But that's not the scene they gave us. What they gave us was Cheryl asking if the issue was because she was white and Toni saying yes. Nothing up until that point had given us any indication THAT was the issue. What frustrated me even further was that they don't even give them room to have a discussion about it. Toni says her peace and leaves and all we get is a shot of Cheryl crying. She clearly cares about Cheryl enough to have pursued her for that long and then she drops her without even having a discussion?? And so soon after they got together? If we had gotten a scene where the difference of their skin was brought up before that (and that could've have been anything from an offhanded comment to Cheryl laughing about something someone says in their presence she didn't know was meant to be a dig) and we see that register with Toni, it wouldn't have felt off balance. Especially since her and Betty get along and she's white. Her and KEVIN get along and he's white. Kevin and Clay are dating and there seems to be no problem THERE. So they can be okay but she can't date Cheryl because of it? It just felt like after they gave us such a strong opening ep regarding race, to then have her drop that with no nuance didn't sit right with me. All of the digs against Toni that we had seen had been because she was bi or at least "queer adjacent" as far as Evelyn was concerned. The only time we see anyone being racist, is when she's dealing with the adults, never the teens. And I knew someone was gonna watch that and say "oh of course the black girl has an issue with her white gf blah blah blah". That's why I said they set her up to be the villain. Not that she was one. Purely based on how that scene was framed. It just felt like it was missing context. And who knows, maybe they filmed a scene and then cut it but either way, it felt off to me and having it not get brought up again until the Black Athena ep just left me feeling unmoored.

[13thpythagoras]

me to donkey: does tumblr even stan a girl boss?

nope, "splitting the vote" did not get trump the white house in 2016, lmao US history class is now in session

Reality Winner, a person, not anything but a young lady from Georgia, a millennial even, working in Florida, working for the federal government, leaked that the Russians hacked everything in the election up to and including actual voting machines and the tallies they created, how much more specific can I be, they cooked up the votes to get Trump in if that makes sense. You can google any of this, it's all out there publicly available info that I find so few people are aware of...

Reality Winner went to prison for 4 years over leaking this, which is interesting considering they don't send you to prison for mis-information, slander, or libel (unless you're the governor of Mississippi and you're going after a journalist who nailed you for corruption but won't reveal their source so you're jailing her over not revealing her source, but that's another story)

is it any mistake that Oregon, the whitest state in the USA, is the only state with total vote-by-mail voting? Every other state, y'know, where there are more black people, makes people wait in line like a soviet bread line, because they want that poll tax, they want it to cost a day's wage to vote if you're black, they want those illegal poll taxes so bad it's illegal to give people water in Georgia, but you don't wanna bring up how those poll taxes are incredibly unconstitutional and how it's unconscionable that we don't have total 100% vote by mail access in this country, but you wanna blame that darn Bernie or Jill. Open your eyes maybe

there are 46 million registered Democrats, and 38 million registered generally oppressive people, why the fuck are we allowing them to fully always and forever control the house and senate, and steal every other election dating back to that Gore v Bush scotus coup in 2000, but no let's not talk about how scotus committed a coup why not just blame ralph nader? (lol this was me, I remember writing an article for the high school paper blasting Ralph Nader with this exact same point, and even then, my high school paper editor was like, "eh, ok no. Not printing that. Thanks though." And he was right!

if you take away third party candidates, the russians will still steal the vote count you're still going to lose

I'm not saying don't vote blue, I will be, but this issue isn't about those pesky far-left-wingers letting their votes get split, it's about literal coups stealing the elections that are always landslides for progressives, 46-38 million registered dems to GOP remember, we should be winning every election in a fucking landslide but the playing field is so goddamn slanted we're lucky to have what we have now

let's focus on election security, eliminating poll taxes, and admit we can't blam-the-far-left our way out of this... I agree, vote blue this election, I will be, but I'm 10trillion times more concerned about Russians hacking the voting totals than I am about people voting 3rd party, I'm 10trillion times more worried unconstitutional poll taxes, the lack of vote by mail access, and evil bosses who know what they're doing and try to deny PTO on voting day will keep working class people / Democrats away from the polls

further noting you can be fired for voting on voting day in these states, yes bosses can still disenfranchise working class voters at will in these states, and fire workers who disobey and decide to vote anyway and that's fully legal.

"States that don’t mandate any time off to vote

Connecticut

Delaware

Florida

Idaho

Indiana

Louisiana

Maine

Michigan

Mississippi

Montana

New Hampshire

New Jersey

North Carolina

North Dakota, which has a law “encouraging” companies to give employees time to vote, but doesn’t actually require them to do so

Pennsylvania

Rhode Island

South Carolina

Vermont

Virginia

Washington"

Whatever happens, two things remain true: 1. Trump might be distancing himself from Project 2025, but his Agenda 47, which is on his website, is basically the same thing. 2. Third party voting is useless without ranked choice voting; it's mathematically impossible to elect a third party candidate. DO NOT SPLIT THE VOTE.

[bmenvs3000f23]

My Relationship with Nature – Blog 1

Nature (according to me): a safe haven, a connected community, a place of exploration, a beautiful sight, a provider, a piece of art… I could go on for ages.

Nature has given me so much joy from an early age. I constantly seek to improve my relationship with nature and enjoy all of the benefits it provides us with, including purified air, a sense of relaxation, an environment to ground and escape our busy lives, stunning views, and a sense of home. Hiking, swimming, and nature photography are just a few ways that I like to connect with nature. Due to my interest in nature, I knew that environmental science was the perfect program. I feel blessed to have benefitted from the environmental science co-op program at the University of Guelph. In this program, I’ve been given the opportunity to work in various environmental fields and conduct environmental monitoring through gas and water sampling. This past summer was spent working with a conservation authority during my co-op placement, where I conducted routine water sampling in the Grand River watershed to record water quality parameters such as pH, turbidity, dissolved oxygen, conductivity, and temperature. Water quality monitoring is crucial to ensure that the water quality remains acceptable to support the numerous types of organisms that rely on it, ranging from aquatic plants to fish and benthic invertebrates! However, working in an environmental career can weigh heavy on the heart when realizing that humans have caused so much pain to the one earth we have. I often wince when hearing about oil spills in oceans, uncontrollable wildfires that consume vast areas of trees and destroy wildlife, and tsunamis that wash away entire communities, to name a few environmental catastrophes. Due to my empathy for the environment, I believe I am deeply intertwined with nature, which has shaped my life.

At age 4, I was first introduced to the benefits of nature from cottage visits, where I participated in various recreational activities that nature provides, including swimming, fishing, boating, and hiking. My interest grew after many summers at my cottage and extended into my high school studies. At 14, I took a particular interest in the environmental lessons in science class and began to get a feel for my future career. At age 16, I travelled to summer camp near North Beach Provincial Park in Consecon, Ontario, where I spent whole days with campers and helped many campers gain comfort outdoors. At age 18, I decided to sign up for my first ecotourism trip with Operation Groundswell. Here, I travelled to Cusco, Peru, and learned about the environmental injustices that the Indigenous community faces regarding mining. I became interested in environmental justice, and I was able to spend three days hiking in the Sacred Valley, where I could experience mountains for the first time (which can be viewed in my Tumblr header). This trip was a great form of nature interpretation and allowed me to immerse myself in nature and Peruvian culture while learning about global environmental issues. When it came time to enroll in university, I decided that the University of Guelph would be the perfect atmosphere to further my studies regarding the environment. After four years, three co-op placements, a stunning trip to Bruce Peninsula Provincial Park with the UofG Outdoors club, and lots of learning, I am now one semester away from completing my degree in environmental science. In the future, I plan to further my relationship with nature and obtain a career focused on environmental monitoring and stewardship.

It truly is an understatement to share that nature has shaped my life and continues to do so. I look forward to furthering my knowledge and experiences in nature, and I hope everyone can feel a deep connection with nature sometime in this lifetime.

[sunshinelittlethings]

March 30, 2023 - Thursday

Hello Tumblr! It's been a whileeee! Grabe akala ko makakabalik agad ako here kasi napupuno na ako ng sama ng loob but unfortunately, di ko magawa kasi wala akong time para bumisita at magblog dito huhu. Napaka chaotic ng March ko promise, I told myself that I will enjoy our foundation day yet, I can't. Well, somehow, I find it naman but most of it, hindi. Stress ako e.

So baket ako stress at di ko magawang i-enjoy ang foundation week namin? Since I am a student council plus head committee ng isang event sa department namin na lalaban sa competition, nagpile up ang stress ko dahil don. Wala pang acads yan ha. Well, basically, wala naman talagang stress if things were smooth like butter. Kaso hindi, ang daming nangyaring unexpected. Hindi ko na ichichika ng detailed yon pero sobrang lala ng epekto nya sa akin. I am aware naman sa mga gawain ko and duties ko but alam mo na hindi mo naman mapipilit na perfect ang lahat.

Daming problems na dumating, ngayon ko lang din naalala na head committee din pala ako sa pageant namin, kada department kasi lalaban sa pageant. Naassign na lang ako bigla don and I have no clue ano ba need gawin sa pageant, literal na nangapa ako don since last minute change sya. Tapos idagdag mo pa na nakisabay ang Field Demo, event sya under na sinusupervise ko at yung Speech Choir. Dang kagulo lahat.

Tapos eto pa, malalaman ko na may nagrereklamo na ang bagal ng response namin hueheuehue, if they only knew gaano kahirap mag ayos ng internal issues. Tapos ayon magulo as in. Tapos may mga attendance kami and need picture sa mga student council, 2nd day ako naassign para magpapic sakin mga students ng smt, tapos sabi ko sa friend ko, kakain lang ako sa labas I did not say specific place kung nasaan ako kasi I know someone will go there para magpapic sa akin. Kaya nga ako Umalis ng school para mapayapang kakain tapos sasabihin ko exact place ko? Edi sana kumain na lang ako sa school kung ganon lang din naman. Nainis din ako sa way ng approach saken ng isa kong classmate saken, "tinataguan" ko daw ang students. Lol, kung magtatago ako, lumayas na dapat ako at umuwi ng bahay. Umiyak na ako non dahil sobrang stress na ako.

Ayon, sobrang pagod ako until now, but di pa tapos talaga chika ko kaso inaantok na ako huhu. Mamaya ulit hehe

Byeeeeee

[nasa]

NASA Spotlight: Earth Climate Scientist Dr. Yolanda Shea

Dr. Yolanda Shea is a climate scientist at NASA's Langley Research Center. She’s the project scientist for the CLARREO Pathfinder (CPF) mission, which is an instrument that will launch to the International Space Station to measure sunlight reflected from Earth. It will help us understand how much heat is being trapped by our planet’s atmosphere. Her mission is designed to help us get a clearer picture than we currently have of the Earth’s system and how it is changing

Yolanda took time from studying our home planet to answer questions about her life and career! Get to know this Earth scientist:

What inspired you to study climate science?

Starting in early middle school I became interested in the explanations behind the weather maps and satellite images shown on TV. I liked how the meteorologists talked about the temperature, moisture, and winds at different heights in the atmosphere, and then put that together to form the story of our weather forecasts. This made me want to learn more about Earth science, so I went to college to explore this interest more.

The summer after my junior year of college, I had an internship during which my first assignment was to work with a program that estimated ocean currents from satellite measurements. I was fascinated in the fact that scientists had discovered a way to map ocean currents from space!

Although I had learned about Earth remote sensing in my classes, this was my first taste of working with, and understanding the details of, how we could learn more about different aspects of the physical world from satellite measurements.

This led to my learning about other ways we can learn about Earth from space, and that includes rigorous climate monitoring, which is the area I work in now.

What does a day in your life look like?

Before I start my workday, I like to take a few minutes to eat breakfast, knit (I’m loving sock knitting right now!), and listen to a podcast or audio book. Each workday really looks different for me, but regardless, most days are a combination of quieter moments that I can use for individual work and more interactive times when I’m interfacing with colleagues and talking about project or science issues. Both types of work are fun in different ways, but I’m glad I have a mixture because all researchers need that combination of deep thinking to wrap our minds around complex problems and also time to tackle those problems with others and work on solving them together.

When do you feel most connected to Earth?

I’ve always loved sunsets. I find them peaceful and beautiful, and I love how each one is unique. They are also a beautiful reminder of the versatility of reflected light, which I study. Sitting for a moment to appreciate the beauty and calm I feel during a sunset helps me feel connected to Earth.

What will your mission – CLARREO Pathfinder – tell us about Earth?

CLARREO Pathfinder (CPF) includes an instrument that will take measurements from the International Space Station and will measure reflected sunlight from Earth. One of its goals is to demonstrate that it can take measurements with high enough accuracy so that, if we have such measurements over long periods of time, like several decades, we could detect changes in Earth’s climate system. The CPF instrument will do this with higher accuracy than previous satellite instruments we’ve designed, and these measurements can be used to improve the accuracy of other satellite instruments.

How, if at all, has your worldview changed as a result of your work in climate science?

The longer I work in climate science and learn from the data about how humans have impacted our planet, the more I appreciate the fragility of our one and only home, and the more I want to take care of it.

What advice would you give your younger self?

It’s ok to not have everything figured out at every step of your career journey. Work hard, do your best, and enjoy the journey as it unfolds. You’ll inevitably have some surprises along the way, and regardless of whether they are welcome or not, you’re guaranteed to learn something.

Do you have a favorite metaphor or analogy that you use to describe what you do, and its impact, to those outside of the scientific community?

I see jigsaw puzzles as a good illustration of how different members of a science community play a diverse set of roles to work through different problems. Each member is often working on their own image within the greater puzzle, and although it might take them years of work to see their part of the picture come together, each image in the greater puzzle is essential to completing the whole thing. During my career, I’ll work on a section of the puzzle, and I hope to connect my section to others nearby, but we may not finish the whole puzzle. That’s ok, however, because we’ll hand over the work that we’ve accomplished to the next generation of scientists, and they will keep working to bring the picture to light. This is how I try to think about my role in climate science – I hope to contribute to the field in some way; the best thing about what I have done and what I will do, is that someone else will be able to build on my work and keep helping humanity come to a better understanding of our Earth system.

What is a course that you think should be part of required school curriculum?

Time and project management skills – I think students tend to learn these skills more organically from their parents and teachers, but in my experience I stumbled along and learned these skills through trial and error. To successfully balance all the different projects that I support now, I have to be organized and disciplined, and I need to have clear plans mapped out, so I have some idea of what’s coming and where my attention needs to be focused.

Another course not specifically related to my field is personal financial management. I was interested in personal finance, and that helped me to seek out information (mainly through various blogs) about how to be responsible with my home finances. There is a lot of information out there, but making sure that students have a solid foundation and know what questions to ask early on will set them to for success (and hopefully fewer mistakes) later on.

What’s the most unexpected time or place that your expertise in climate science and/or algorithms came in handy?

I think an interesting part of being an atmospheric scientist and a known sky-watcher is that I get to notice beautiful moments in the sky. I remember being on a trip with friends and I looked up (as I usually do), and I was gifted with a gorgeous sundog and halo arc. It was such a beautiful moment, and because I noticed it, my friends got to enjoy it too.

Can you share a photo or image from a memorable NASA project you’ve worked on, and tell us a little bit about why the project stood out to you?

I absolutely loved being on the PBS Kids TV Show, SciGirls for their episode SkyGirls! This featured a NASA program called Students’ Clouds Observations On-Line (S’COOL). It was a citizen science program where students from around the globe could take observations of clouds from the ground that coincided with satellite overpasses, and the intention was to help scientists validate (or check) the accuracy of the code they use to detect clouds from satellite measurements. I grew up watching educational programming from PBS, so it was an honor to be a science mentor on a TV show that I knew would reach children across the nation who might be interested in different STEM fields. In this photo, the three young women I worked with on the show and I are talking about the different types of clouds.

To stay up to date on Yolanda's mission and everything going on in NASA Earth science, be sure to follow NASA Earth on Twitter and Facebook.

🌎 If you're looking for Earth Day plans, we have live events, Q&As, scavenger hunts and more going on through April 24. Get the details and register for our events HERE.

Make sure to follow us on Tumblr for your regular dose of space: http://nasa.tumblr.com.

[noellevanious]

more bitching and moaning about twitter below the cut. god help me and my tendencies

see like. twitter and the attitude around it drives me nuts. like when you think about it or when you've been on this site for long enough. you see all the issues people on twitter complain about.

"it's really hard to curate a following on tumblr" no it fucking isn't. you just don't do anything besides post your art with 30 tags once, maybe twice, and hope somebody finds it. because on twitter people will just rt whatever the algorithm gives them. there's no community. if there is a community, it's from friends who already know eachother elsewhere. all the "interactions" i see on twitter are people apologizing cause other people are bitching them out, or friends that have been friends forever talking about stuff.

meanwhile almost everybody i've met i've met that i interact with, i met through tumblr in some way. my friends for the past 5 years since i got out of college? all originally from tumblr. all these people that i interact with? met them here. it's a little community of like-minded people who i cherish and appreciate even if, so far, our interactions are just text and images on a screen.

the entire fun of tumblr is the community aspect. we like promoting eachother. we like interacting with eachother. i've had more fun in the past year or so of being on this site than i've had on basically any forum.

like i follow artists that have dipped their toes back into tumblr after seeing them complain and whine and moan about "ohhh god i gotta go back to tumblr boohooo i have no clout there i get so fewer notes/reboggles/whatever" and. they like. post a single piece of their art a day. and then just. nothing. when the site is literally built around reblogs.

there's no algorithm in the "Good" "pure" way to experience the site. You meet friends with common interests, maybe through tags, maybe you already knew them. maybe you joined tumblr because of them. they reblog certain people. you reblog those posts. It's very natural. You find stuff you like, and people you like, and blogs you enjoy seeing. so you keep going. and that's how you start getting traction. you be genuinely funny or charming or talented.

and trust me. i get it. nobody's terminally online like me. you don't need to tell me that.

nobody else literally spends 90% of their time looking at the dashboard*. so it's just more "normal" people who check their twitter or tiktok or insta or whatever every now and then inbetween their work in their field. so like. this is all just small potatoes to them. they just want another outlet or avenue to share their media. more power to them.

but like. these websites suck shit. and current internet sucks shit. don't get on your high horse about waaaaah waaaah the shitty website that literally any moderately thought-out forum or webzone would put to shame, where the only interaction 90% of the time is trying to climb an imaginary internet ladder and be the Talk of the Town for 15 minutes so you can get a bunch of follows, is slowly crumbling around you, so there goes your small internet niche you carved (when in reality, if it had literally any weight or gravitas whatsoever, people would follow you to whatever outlet you move to).

It's a shitty fucking website. Let it burn. Tiktok is worse, Facebook is worse, Instagram is worse, but at least one shitty, advertiser-focused consumer-hating site is crumbling. That's good.

* (and trust me when i say that if i had my choice, i'd be like. in a full-time job. or my adhd would be solved so i could do creative stuff i wanna do, like make video essays, or write more, or draw more, instead of staring at this website so much)

[leftoverenvy]

Tastes Like Sugar (ch. 2)

Summary: India Mae, or Indi, is a music major, struggling to pay bills, tuition, work, and make good grades.  Emily Prentiss is a BAU profiler, as well as a DC socialite thanks to her huge family fortune.  The two enter into a mutually beneficial arrangement: Emily will pay for Indi's school if Indi accompanies Emily to her social functions for a few months, posing as her girlfriend.  As weeks go by, the lines between their arrangement and their true feelings start to blur.  But money can't buy love, right?

Pairing: India Mae Banks x Emily Prentiss; OC x Emily Prentiss

Warnings: eventual smut; sugar baby relationships; age gap (16 years - but all over 18); very slow burn

Word Count: 2.3k

Emily's POV!

Read on Wattpad | Ao3 | Tumblr

Taglist: @ssa-sapphic 🧸; @5raysofsunshine 🌮; @reidselle 🦭; @milfprotector 🐝💚; @gaelic-symphony 🎻 ; @scargarcia-magshotchner 💜; @hotchs-bitch ; @multiverse-mxdness ; @sadgirlml ; @spencersendgame

Chapter 2 - Forced Proposal

Emily's POV: I was sitting in the bullpen, trying to finish my last report for the day, but I couldn't focus.  Paperwork days were the bane of my existence.  I wanted to be out in the field talking with families, or in the interrogation room questioning suspects.  I pulled the pen, fresh with new teeth marks, out of my mouth and sighed.

I urged myself to finish this report; if I finished this one, I could go home.  But even that wasn't as big an incentive as I'd like.  There was nothing for me waiting there.  Even though I had felt lonely in my last relationship, now – since splitting with JJ – I was lonely AND alone.  It had never bothered me before, but I had several big events scheduled over the next few months.  It didn't help that the last tabloid read, "Ms. Prentiss seen alone once again at Senator Kane's birthday party."  I didn't want to see that again the morning after a social function.

I had never minded being alone before.  In fact, being alone was required during my time with Interpol.  I thought taking this job at the BAU would help me have a more normal schedule and be able to put roots down.  Dating my coworker was the wrong way to do that.  But truthfully, I had no way to put roots down because I didn't meet anyone outside the walls of this bullpen.

I quickly scribbled a last note on this shit report.  It was well-below my standards, but I didn't care anymore.  I quickly packed up my briefcase and stood up to go home.

"Prentiss!" Rossi, standing in the doorway of his office, shouted from across the bullpen.  I snapped my head up and raised an eyebrow at him.  "Come here!" he shouted again, waving his hand to draw me in his office.  I had been so close to sneaking out undetected. 

I wound my way through the bullpen, up the stairs, and towards his office.  "What?" I asked, a bit too curtly.

"Hey now!" he responded defensively.  "Don't bite my head off yet.  You don't even know what I was going to say."

"I'm sorry, Rossi," I apologized remorsefully.  "Really.  I'm just tired."

"It was a long day of boring paperwork."  He let me off the hook with a smile.

So I could get home quicker, I asked, "What did you need?"

"I noticed you haven't dated since JJ…"

My eyes widened so far I thought they might fall out of my skull.  Because dating coworkers was forbidden, JJ and I had kept things a secret.  Well, I thought we had kept things a secret.  "How-"

He held up a hand.  "Don't worry; I didn't tell anyone."  That wasn't the issue, but I was too embarrassed to say anything, so he continued.  "I don't think anyone else knew either.  Anyway!" he stopped himself, "I did something for you.  And before you go poo-pooing the idea, just hear me out."  Oh boy.  This couldn't be going anywhere good.

I bit at my fingernail, anxious to hear what he did.  "What is it?" I mumbled.  He flipped his computer around to show me a social media page with a picture of me I had never seen at the top.  I looked closer trying to figure out where that picture was taken, but upon closer examination, I noticed it wasn't a social media page; it was a sugar baby website.

"ROSSI!" I gasped, outraged.  I reached for his computer.

"I said don't poo-poo it immediately!" he reminded, pulling his computer out of my reach.

"Delete that!" I commanded.  "Now!"  I couldn't believe him.  I didn't need some vapid, materialistic sugar baby feigning interest in me just to get a diamond necklace and a Louis Vuitton.  I wasn't that lonely.

"This doesn't have to be serious," he said, still trying to get me on board.  "It's just for fun.  If you hate it, you can rub it in my face and lord it over me for the rest of our lives.  I'll even let you say 'I told you so.'  But just try," he begged.  "Don't delete it yet.  Give it a chance."

"Why should I?"  I was a bit hostile now; this was incredibly offensive.  But as I thought about it, I realized I wasn't going to meet anyone any time soon.  And the thought of showing up to the next event without a date, to hear my mother go on and on about how I must be doing something wrong, was unbearable.  Even if it were a fake date, I would not hear my mother criticize me for being single again. 

"There's nothing wrong with a little companionship, Emily.  Here," he handed me a paper, "Take this; it's the log-in info.  Just give it a try."

I was already on board, but hell if I was going to tell Rossi I was doing this.  "No."  I heard him sigh as I walked out of his office.  "Have a good night!" I threw over my shoulder.

I rushed home, called for takeout, took a shower, and then flopped on the couch.  David's log-in info, my log-in info, burned my hand as I held it and stared at my computer.  He already made it, I reminded myself.  Curiosity got the better of me and I logged in.  I was blown away by the twenty-six notifications I already had.  But first things first, change the password so David couldn't check up on me.

I then clicked on my profile to see what David set up.  I smirked.  He way underestimated my net worth.  There was no need to change it though; it was already quite high.  I marveled at my profile picture.  It was lovely.  Somehow David got a nice shot of me secretly taken on the jet.  I decided if I was going to do this, I'd go all out.  I added one of me in a nice suit taken at some past event.  I rolled my eyes at the memory of my mother chastising me for wearing a suit.

I clicked on the little bell icon to scroll through my notifications.  Each profile was nearly identical.  They were all obviously catered to what they thought someone would want to hear.  "Will show you the best time for small allowance" or "Looking for someone to spoil me and I'll spoil you in return ;)"  I rolled my eyes at each profile and then sighed, embarrassed that I had let myself get excited about this when I knew this was exactly how it was going to be.  I didn't need a brainless idiot only seeking a few bucks.  Anger swelled in my chest that David forced my hand in this.

I almost shut it down, but then I saw something different – someone different: India Mae.  My heart fluttered and my breathing increased.  She was gorgeous.  The first thing I noticed were her huge, brown eyes.  They were deep and somehow safe.  I knew I could lose myself in them forever, uncovering the world's lost secrets.  She had a video posted of her onstage at what looked like a piano recital.  She was extremely talented and obviously enjoyed music immensely.   You could see the passion exude from her as she played.  She was, in a word, stunning.  Seeing someone genuinely display parts of their personality, things she truly cared about, was a refreshing change from the dozens of profiles I had just scrolled through.

Her bio discussed her drive to finish her degree and her financial difficulties.  Education and music were important to me, as well.  I would be more than happy to help her pay for her degree.  I looked back to her profile picture, entranced by those guileless eyes once more.  Perhaps Rossi's plan wasn't so bad after all.  I hit the like button faster than a lightning strike.  I couldn't leave anything up to chance.  I wanted to message her as soon as possible.

"India, You've caught my eye.  You are absolutely stunning – I'm not convinced you're real.  I can tell this isn't usual for you, as it is not for me.  I'd love to hear more about your music tastes and how you got started playing the piano.  You are incredibly talented, by the way.  Your video took my breath away.

Briefly about me: I'm Emily.  I'm thirty-eight and I work for the FBI.  I went to Yale for undergrad and then studied psychological profiling.  I have demanding hours, which is why my friend basically forced me to do this.  If you can handle my work schedule, I'd be very interested in getting to know you more.

In my free time, I enjoy going to the symphony, reading, and drawing.  My favorite medium's charcoal, and when I have time off, I'm usually always covered in charcoal dust.  Ha.

India, I sincerely hope to hear from you.  I can already tell you're different than anyone else I would find on this site.

Sincerely, Emily"

Because she was young, I expected an immediate response, anticipating she'd always be on her computer or phone.  As the minutes ticked by, I grew impatient.  And then anxious.  And then embarrassed.  She was gorgeous, and young, and smart, and talented.  What the fuck would she want with me?  She was obviously ignoring me.  Maybe Rossi's plan was just as bad as I had originally thought.

Ding!  I laughed as I saw "India Mae messaged you" scroll across my screen.  I was utterly absurd.

"Emily, Thanks for reaching out.  I don't know if I would say I'm different from everyone else on this site, but you are right about this definitely being unusual for me.  And it sounds like we were both forced to join by overly meddlesome friends.  My best friend forced me to make this profile, basically under threat of death lol.  But it seems to be looking up 😌

Thank you for the sweet compliments.  I've been playing the piano as long as I can remember.  I always knew it would be something I'd want to pursue as a career.  Music is more than just a hobby to me.  I've been wanting to learn how to play the guitar, as well, but I guess I only really have time for one instrument right now.

Wow!  You sound very busy, indeed!  What exactly is psychological profiling?  And what do you like to draw?  Landscapes?  Portraits?  I'm hopeless as an artist.  Maybe you could give me a few pointers.

Thanks again for sending a message.  I hope we can get to know each other better too ☺️"

I was completely giddy.  It was a bit ridiculous how excited I was by each of her responses.  As we messaged back and forth, my interest in her only grew.  She was fascinating.  To hear her describe playing sounded like a holy experience to her.  I didn't feel that way about drawing, but perhaps I never allowed myself to lose myself in my art like that. 

The website was tedious and slow to use.  After about half an hour of IMing, I sent a message that said, "India, would it be too forward to ask for your phone number already? It would be easier for me to text…" and I listed my phone number.  I was pleased that I heard my phone vibrate against the coffee table nearly immediately

Unknown Number: Hi :) It's me. I actually go by Indi

I couldn't help but smile.  Of course she went by Indi.  It somehow suited her perfectly.  I quickly saved her number and texted her back.

Emily: Tell me more about you?

Indi: I'm not sure what you really want to know, but I grew up in a small town in Washington state. No siblings, and my parents died in a car wreck a few years ago. It's, ultimately, what helped me feel okay about going so far away for school. Washington to Washington (DC). It's been hard, so much change, but there was nothing left for me in Washington. And having my roommate has been amazing. She's one of the best people I know. She's one of those people that basically just embodies sunshine. I'd be lost without her. Anyway, when I'm not drowning in piano practice or waiting tables, I try to read as much as possible.

My heart ached to hear she had lost her parents, her entire support system, so early in life.  But I admired her all the more for making her way in life with very little.  This did satisfy my curiosity why her parents weren't helping her with school.  I tried to reign my privilege in – not everyone had parents that could help them with going to college.  Not everyone had a seemingly endless trust fund.  I was also concerned about her working.  I'd have to – delicately – ask if she would be willing to forego work during our arrangement.  That is, if she wanted to pursue an arrangement.   Don't put the cart before the horse, Em.

Indi: Your turn :)

Indi: Actually, hold that thought. I am exhausted. I had a rough day and I'd just like to go to sleep. I'm really glad you messaged me, Emily. Talk tomorrow?

Emily: Definitely. I'm sorry to hear you had a tough day. Sleep well, sweet girl

I wanted to add a kissy face but didn't because 1) I wasn't quite sure how, and 2) I thought it a bit much for the first night.  I laid down on my couch, clutching my phone, already a fool over this girl.  What had Rossi gotten me into?

_ _ _

Continue to next chapter

[maomao-words]

Soo, I recently logged in into my old Tumblr account, @hejer-maomao​, and lo and behold, I found that my poorly-written and extremely short Solo Leveling HCs have reached over 600 notes with more than a few asks wanting to read more. 

So, I yielded! (✿´‿`)  I sat down for two days and finally finished reading Season 2 of Solo Leveling webtoon (I was initially going to wait for it to finish up to binge it T___T) and I’m now back with fresh content to please everyone!

Contains subtle hints to happenings from SL Second Season. It also gets a bit steamy at the end, so be careful~

Sung Jin-Woo as a Boyfriend HCs (Part 2): Dating Jin-Woo as an S-Rank Hunter:

As the world slowly began to fall into chaos and turmoil with hundreds of gates manifesting daily all around the globe, your country finally decided to pool in all of its resources into collaborating with South Korea’s hunter; Sung Jin-Woo.

The plan was quite simple. Your home country would send in its best S-rank hunter; you, to help speed up the clearance of some of the most difficult gates which spread in Korea in return for a promise of help from Jin-Woo if an S-rank gate were to appear in your native lands.

The fact that the governmental officials chose to send you, their best hunter and the sole asset they struggled for a long time to keep hidden, just to be able to form such a thin connection with Sung Jin-Woo testified to how terrifyingly strong the Korean hunter was.

Once you arrived in Korea, the press awaiting at the airport were too shocked to even move at the sheer amount of bodyguards by your side. While it was a known fact that your abilities were of a non-combatant hunter, the details of your powers were kept under tight wraps. As such, you couldn’t accept interviews nor remain exposed in public for too long without proper protection. Without even sparing the countless journalists desperately fighting to catch a glimpse of your face a glance, you immediately disappeared into a black car prepared for you beforehand before being escorted to the Korean Hunters Association headquarters.

 Not even a second ticked by after you placed the tip of your high heel past the building’s entrance, when a suffocating presence enveloped your senses. Your blood boiled within your veins and you could feel goosebumps slowly forming on your arms. Your nearest bodyguard called your name in worry, but you could only concentrate on the intense magic waves slowly getting closer to you, shamelessly demanding your utter and complete submission.

“Hunter Sung Jin-Woo,” Your manager’s worried voice echoed as the demonic presence finally entered the room. “I will have to ask you to tone your magic down. Our hunter is extremely sensitive when it comes to mana, and the slightest amount of exposure to it will bring her powers to the surface.”

You clenched your teeth and dug your nails into your palms, drawing tiny droplets of blood. You raised you head, your eyes already transforming into pools of crimson and fire. In front of you, you could see Jin-Woo’s initially indifferent eyes slowly widen in surprise.

“A Banshee.” Jin-Woo’s voice carried a hint of curiosity as his lips curved in a smirk. “Yes,” you calmly responded as your transformation now enabled you to withstand his powerful presence. You both locked eyes, intense magic waves radiating off of your bodies as you acknowledged each other’s unique strength.

“When your government proposed this deal with us, I knew they were hiding a pretty powerful trump card,” President Go Gun-Hee finally spoke, breaking the silence. “But for you to turn out to be a Banshee! I might say, this is a pleasant surprise!”

You inwardly breathed a sigh of relief as Sung Jin-Woo nodded in agreement. Your country desperately needed this collaboration to work, especially considering Jin-Woo’s world wide fame. The possibility of Jin-Woo rejecting to even try and work with you was too high but your country decided to gamble on his interest in your precognitive abilities as a Banshee to make the deal work.

Working side to side by Jin-Woo was a challenge, to say the least. The man already possessed everything and needed no one by his side as support. Even the most powerful S-rank hunters could be labeled as utterly useless compared to him. 

Once you finished clearing your third joint gate together, you mentally patted yourself. Thank God I’m a Banshee, or else I would have only been a dead weight to him.

With your accurate vision into the future, Jin-Woo’s abilities soared to another level, enabling him to finish clearing A-rank gates in under fifteen minutes. After all, no gate’s interior structure was too complicated for you, nor was the abilities of any of the monsters residing inside hidden to your eyes. The first time both of you emerged from a gate, barely ten minutes after you entered, the journalists waiting outside were stupefied. You remember grinning widely at their expressions, spontaneously turning to catch Jin-Woo looking fondly at you, before turning away with a deep blush once you locked eyes.

Your heart did not stop racing that night even after you parted ways with Jin-Woo and headed to your own hotel.

The first kiss you shared happened a week before your due return to your country. Sung Jin-Woo’s mood has been gloomy ever since you received the notice to return home. 

You have grown closer in the past few weeks that you spent by his side. He has been your trustworthy shield in every single gate you entered to the point you stopped taking any of your A-rank bodyguards with you despite your manager’s disproval. Jin-Woo has been so gentle with you, making sure he constantly has one arm wrapped around your waist in case of any monster attacking you while you used your powers. Due to his protection, you have failed to sustain even the smallest scratch even though the gates you raided daily were too dangerous for hunters below S-rank. 

You shared meals together, stole each other’s desserts and made fun of one another. Jin-Woo even made it a habit or him to escort you to your hotel after your work is done, softly pat your head before disappearing within his dark shadows.

By then, you were fully aware of the love that fully bloomed within your heart but you refused to mutter a word to Jin-Woo. You were simply terrified. Terrified that those eyes that looked at you gently and were filled with tenderness will turn cold at your confession. But one night was enough to completely change your mind.

After escorting you to your hotel room, an unusually sullen Jin-Woo merely nodded at you and turned around to leave without even patting your head. Your heart was torn apart at the thought of him leaving you at that state, so you quickly extended your hand, intending to catch his sleeve to stop him. But your field of vision was quickly filled with Jin-Woo’s handsome face, his fragrance filling your senses as you found yourself pinned against the hallway wall. You blinked in confusion and stared at Jin-Woo, but the man you loved did not speak and simply tightened his hold on your wrists. 

You tried to move your hands but they refused to even budge under Jin-Woo possessive hold. “Jin-Woo,” you softly whispered, your heart aching more at the sadness filling his eyes.

“...Don’t leave. Stay by my side.”

Your eyes widened at the soft words spoken beside your ear. You trembled as Jin-Woo nosed at your neck, breathing in your familiar scent. His lips soon touched the heated skin of your throat, alternating between gently pecks and warm licks. You whimpered at his hungry touch. Your legs were growing weak with each peck he left on your throat and almost gave in when he exposed his teeth and bit down, a low growl in tow.

“Jin-Woo,” you whispered again and again before he finally lifted his head towards you. His eyes were glistening with desire and his lips were slightly reddish, making him even more irresistible to you. 

“Kiss me,” is what you ended up saying instead of telling him to stop. In a heartbeat, Jin-Woo’s lips were on your own, warm and starving for your taste.

You had so many issues to solve ahead, but at that moment, you chose to leave all of the burdens on your shoulders fall and only focus on the man standing in front of you.

Everything else can come second to him.

[jimlingss]

(sorry my tumblr app glitched so im not sure if this was sent twice) taking a chance for the requests! how about a seokjin or namjoon arranged marriage au with this: “Am I your lockscreen?” “You weren’t supposed to see that.” 🎄 happy holidays!!

↳ Playground Promises

1.9k || 100% Light Fluff || Kim Seokjin

The bell rings.

Moments later, children are sprinting from the doors and flooding the playground. You watch in fondness as some climb the monkey bars while others sit and dig into the sandbox. All of them were forging their first friendships they’ll remember forever and you were their witness.

This is one of your favourite times of day. You enjoy seeing the kids have their fun, listening to their laughter and giggles, watching their games of tag to play pretend. But today, your enjoyment is interrupted by a certain male teacher that comes to stand behind you.

Tall. Dark. And handsome. His broad shoulders carry the weight of the third-grade class and practically the entire elementary school. But you’d never admit that out loud.

“It’s a bit chilly out today. You should’ve brought your coat with you.”

You hum.

Every staff member, married and single, swoons over Kim Seokjin. It’s hard not to. But if others knew what your relationship was with him, you’re sure you’d never hear the end of it. The kids would make a big fuss and so would all the staff and faculty, and you’d rather avoid that.

“I didn’t know you were on playground duty today.”

“I switched with Sana,” he says and leans over to smile. “Thought you could use some company.”

You scoff. “She’s perfectly fine company.”

The corner of his plump lip pulls. “If you want to talk about the mathletes program. And I’m pretty sure you don’t.”

Before you can respond, a boy approaches the two of you with pink cheeks and wind-swept hair. “Mr. Kim, can I go to the bathroom?” the third-grader asks in the midst of catching his breath and the older man nods.

“Go ahead. But don’t run in the hallway, Lucas.” 

Said boy grins and dashes off.

Seokjin turns to you and lowers his voice. “My mom’s been asking about the kids.”

Your brows furrow. “Why? They’re a good bunch.”

“No.” He shakes his head. “I don’t mean your class’ kids, I mean our kids.”

You blink owlishly. “There are no our kids.”

“That’s the problem.”

You sigh and roll your eyes. “Wasn’t getting married enough for them?”

Seokjin shrugs with a faint, mischievous smile. “They want to go out for brunch with your parents this Sunday. Are you free?”

“When am I not free?” you retort lightly, but slip your phone out of your pocket to check your calendar anyhow. Seokjin glances over to your screen and once you finish, you slip it back into your pocket. “I have some marking to do, but I’ll probably finish by then.”

“Okay.” The pair of you turn back to continue monitoring the children playing and you’re glad to revel in the silence that’s been created between you. But after a beat, Kim Seokjin pipes up again. You don’t know why you’re surprised. He’s quite the talkative guy. “Hey, Y/N.”

You look over and he meets your eye.

He asks, “Am I your lock screen?”

Your face heats. If you were once cold, now you were warm from head to toe. “You weren’t supposed to see that,” you mumble. It was just a picture from the other day and you wanted to change things up on your phone. You had nothing else to use. It was convenient. That’s it.

Your entire relationship with him is built on convenience. At least...on his side it is.

Still, Seokjin grins and fortunately, he doesn’t tease.

You rush to change the subject. “A-Anyway, yeah, Sunday works for me. But we should probably talk about this after work.”

“Why? No one’s around.” His smile is spread from ear to ear and he leans in, whispering, “Are you that scared of people finding out we’re married?”

Immediately, you whip your head in all directions. Luckily, there’s no kid or nosy faculty member. You turn back to him, glaring. “I already said, I like to keep my private life under wraps.”

“I remember. But if I didn’t know any better, I’d think you were embarrassed of me.”

You scoff and a murmur unintentionally spills out of you, “That’s impossible.”

You don’t notice Seokjin’s smile.

It’s been three months since you got married. It was a summer wedding. More importantly, it was an arranged marriage. And not because you were both wealthy and needed to be wedded to get the inheritance under some arbitrary contract rule or because it was your grandmother’s dying wish. No. You live a much more mundane, normal life than the dramas, movies and books.

It was your mom who threw a fuss. She was scared you’d be alone and unmarried, an old maid like your aunt — you didn’t say it, she just heavily implied it. But following her practically senile meltdown, you agreed. Partly to appease her worries and partly just out of curiosity.

You always wanted to get married. And deep down, you always wanted your own kids. But at the rate you were going, you had a feeling you wouldn’t be able to meet someone on your own.

What you didn’t expect on that blind date was for the other person to be Kim Seokjin, third grade teacher. Down the hall from you at the school. Someone across the room every lunchtime. Your dads were apparently long time colleagues, but Jin was still as equally shocked as you were during that first meeting. Yet, he easily agreed to getting married when you brought it up. Even when it was only after two months of occasionally seeing one another outside of your workplaces.

You still don’t know why he said yes.

“Ms. L/N!”

You’re torn out of your trance by a little girl at your knees. 

She pouts. “Jennie won’t let me play on the slide!”

“Did you ask her to share?”

“Yes!”

Before any more can be said, she drags you over and Seokjin trails after you. There’s another girl with brown braided hair climbing on the slide, and she swivels her head over as the two of you approach, eyes the size of saucers. 

“Are you taking turns, Jennie?” you ask her, and she vigorously nods.

“I am!”

“Well, you’ve been on it for a while. How about Lisa takes a turn next.”

“Okay,” she draws out and gets off of the slide before turning to her friend. “Here you go.”

It’s always little problems you have to solve — from sharing to knee scrapes and monkey bar accidents. Sometimes it’s difficult for the children to compromise, difficult for them to apologize and difficult for you to find a good solution. But you undoubtedly wish your own issues were this simple.

While you’re stuck in your thoughts, you miss Jin watching you fondly. 

“You’re good with kids,” he says as you move out of the way of running children and walk back to the perimeter.

“I wouldn’t be doing this job if I wasn’t. But I deal with older kids much better.” There’s a reason you teach fifth graders and not any lower than that. Seokjin knows it too.

“Remember when we had to supervise that kindergarten class together?”

You shudder. “It was a nightmare.”

“You weren’t that bad,” he tries to say but then laughs. You feign a glare, and he adds on, “Okay. I’m sorry, but I still mean it. It’s not as terrible as you thought. You’d make a good mom.” 

At that, your glare vanishes in favour of furrowing brows. You really shouldn’t, but you can’t help it when curiosity pries — so you break your own rule against discussing private matters at work. 

“Do you want my kids?”

Seokjin is wide-eyed and he turns to you. “Why not? We’re married.”

“Yeah….but…”

“But? Do you not want kids?” 

“No! I definitely want them,” you declare, almost a bit too boldly. He nods and you explain, “It’s just...I don’t know if you’re serious.”

Seokjin blinks. “I’m being perfectly serious.”

“I mean I don’t know if we’re serious.” You add, “Enough to have kids.”

“What’s more serious than being married?” Jin has a genuinely inquisitive and amused expression, head quirked to the side. 

You inhale a sharp breath and his gaze coaxes you to go on, so you do. “It’s just that you agreed so quickly to be married to me. It doesn’t….feel real. I don’t know if you wanted to marry me, if you did it on a whim, if this is some kind of joke—”

He frowns. “This isn’t a joke, Y/N. I wanted to marry you.”

Your mouth hangs open. Your eyes are rounded.

“Wh—”

“Mrs. L/N!” You’re interrupted by your fifth-grader, Park Jimin. He sprints to you, huffing and puffing, before leaning his hands onto his knees to catch his breath. “Have you seen Taehyung?! We’re playing tag!”

“No, I haven’t.”

Jin suddenly points to the left. “He went that way.”

Jimin books it.

Silence fills the spaces between you and Seokjin again, but it isn’t like normal. It’s filled with unanswered questions and the suspenseful cliffhanger of an unfinished conversation. The laughter of kids on the playground and field resound around you, but for the first time, you don’t listen to it. 

It fades into the background as you turn to Seokjin, wanting to know more. “What did you just say?”

The man smiles softly. “You have to know.”

“I don’t,” you assert. “So tell me.”

“I’ve always liked you.”

You blink and he continues, “Since you substituted for the art teacher and I saw you squirt red paint all over yourself. It’s something I couldn’t forget. Plus, the way you draw those stick people.” Seokjin laughs heartily and you’re trapped in your spot, unsure of how to react or what to say. He reads your expression and softens. “Did you really think I would rush into a marriage if I didn’t have feelings for you?”

“I…” Your mouth is agape. “I don’t know. Why did we never talk about this?”

Seokjin shrugs. “You never asked and I didn’t want to make you feel uncomfortable if you didn’t feel the same way. I knew you married me for convenience.”

“That’s not true,” you retort within a beat. This whole time, you thought he married you for convenience sake. But it wasn’t entirely like that for you.

Seokjin’s eyes are big and you swallow down your embarrassment. “Isn’t it obvious every single breathing person loves you? It’s hard not to.”

Slowly but surely, a grin spreads into Seokjin’s puffy cheeks and he’s smiling from ear to ear again. “Well, you’re very good at hiding it then.”

Suddenly, the bell rings.

All the children reluctantly climb off the equipment, some dusting their hands while others grabbing their friends, and they rush into their lineups. There’s a few stranglers lugging their legs while groaning. But busy in their small playground worlds, no one turns around to notice you leaning in and pressing a chaste kiss to Seokjin’s mouth. It’s shy and brief, like the first peck exchanged between two for the first time. And you pull away just as fast, lips left tingling.

“We can continue this later, Mr. Kim.”

You stride off while Seokjin’s left smiling. After a breathless moment, he chases after you like children who have just made promises of their first love on the playground.

[redux-iterum]

Out of curiosity, what *exactly* do you think went wrong with your original Redux to the point that it caused you to start Iterum?

God, what didn't go wrong? There were so many things at play, even excluding the less-than-stellar attention I was receiving at the time (as major of a factor as it was). Which, to be fair, was at least partially justified by the Redux's content, but partially overblown and, frankly, still confusing to me to this day.

The root problem - that which can explain almost every smaller problem - was that I was zeroed in on subversion of canon above all else. That's why some of the plot twists made no sense on a second of consideration, and why things that I just added in at random were out of left field and not actually helpful to the story, regardless of how long I'd had them in mind. Once in a while it worked out (Tigerclaw's trial remains my favorite part of the Redux), but a lack of setup and thought cost me quality in the name of shock value.

There's also the factor that I was improvising a great deal of the Redux. I have a bad habit of planning chapters out for fics and then going off the rails a bit too much (Steorra suffers from this as well), and that happened a fuckton more when I was starting my writing career. I didn't have an editor or betas like I do now. I didn't have someone to course-correct and rein me in when I started getting too wild. Sandstorm's death was on-the-fly, as the biggest one I can remember. It bought temporary self-satisfaction at the reactions of readers and nothing else. Though posting it on Christmas of all days was a delight, I can admit it.

The simple truth is that, when the Redux started, I was fresh out of high school and only had a comic and some choose-your-own-adventure threads on a forum as my experiences for writing. I was very used to making things up as I went along thanks to reader interactions on all of those stories with a vague overall idea of what I was aiming for. Plotting concrete, serial events that all linked together and made a coherent, large-scale story was not something I was good at or even knew how to do. After I quit the Redux, I made a mediocre book as my first foray into actual literature, which I don't think is worth attention, but it gave me enough experience to get the basic idea down of how to tell a long-term tale. The comic helped immensely as well - if not improving in art style, improving in the details of writing something good (character interactions, dialog, worldbuilding, etc). That gave me the confidence I needed to return to this world with a fresh eye.

I would, however, be remiss if I didn't at least acknowledge that the drama I was pulled into at the time was a major factor in me losing my zeal for the Redux and was part of what went wrong. Y'all know that I try my damndest to stay out of arguments and avoid sensitive topics in case they drum up some trouble. Against my will, drama found me and I was in the spotlight of Tumblr's favorite past-time in those days: finding issues, minute or major, and berating the target until they slink into the dark, never to be seen again. I won't argue that I was free of critique-worthy habits, but I still hold that folks assumed the worst of me and decided I was being deliberately malicious and arrogant instead of being a reclusive twentyteen who was uneducated and just wanted to write a fanfic and have fun with fans. Not everyone was vicious towards me, but enough people were that I left the fandom and to this day refuse to interact with it beyond my small circle surrounding Iterum.

If I remembered any of the rest of the Redux, I could probably go into detail about how this plot point was stupid or this lore bit was too edgy. Alas, I don't. I hope this discussion of the grander problems is satisfactory!