#I kinda forced myself to sit down and do it because i haven't got time nor energy for anything self indulgent lately.

[a-s-levynn]

Sooo i did a thing, let me share it with you all

The casing of my crystal necklace broke a while back and i was planning to replace it some way shape or form but i had no concept until i saw the pic below. And so i was like, i can do that. Or something close to it. So i did it.

Original pic of Vessel (altho i cropped it here) by @jacobshepherd_ on IG

I feel it turned out pretty well considering i wasn't planning on a 1 to 1 recreation. Got quite close anyway. And i'm sorta happy about it. It's been a while since i made anything arts and craftsy but i'm so glad i finally was able to create anything at all.

[bellysoupset]

irl story under the cut -

my guy is an absolute BABY. He's very sarcastic and cynical most of the time, but the minute something as minor as the sniffles hit him he'll be complaining and whining, wanting cuddles, etc. Thing is, we're not from the same town so that's pretty difficult already, but also we work very different schedules AND he never ever takes breaks. So you know, I never get to experience the good stuff even though he's a germ magnet.

Just so happens this week he's got the stomach flu (again?? in like 3 months??) and still he was insisting he was fine, could work through it. Yesterday he texts me like "I haven't eaten all day because I was feeling queasy, but I forced myself to and now I think I'm gonna puke" and little updates because he still had one hour of commune before getting home. All "yeah, don't think I'm gonna make it."

Eventually he got home, we texted just a bit, I could tell he was dead, he told me he'd go to bed. His normal time to get up for work is 4 AM, yep you read that right, so I woke up at 6 AM and I was a little weirded out he wasnt answering me so quickly, but alright. Then he texted me at 9 AM "I actually stayed home today"

That really shocked me, he's the type to drag himself, but he explained "yeah, I was going to, but then I threw up on my doorstep when I was going out and spent the next 20 mins dry heaving, so I had to call in sick." Again my brain went blue screen at this, I'm just mumbling at this point and then he said "can you come over? I'm on break tomorrow"

Normally I work from home, so you know what, sure I can come over. My work day was slow anyway, so I drove to his place and he looked like a damn corpse, just throwing himself on top of me and whining and I'm like playfully rolling my eyes at him. He was definitely running a temp, but a low one. We cuddled a bit, watched some movies, I told him he had to eat something and so did I. He was actually very open to food, since he hadn't eaten anything since morning and we shared some leftovers, which wasn't anything heavy.

So we cuddled up in bed again and he pressed his mouth to my shoulder while we watched this very funny cutesy movie (L1sa Frank3nstein), which is super baby for our average taste, but it has multiple gross scenes and halfway through he kinda sits up and goes "can we pause? I don't feel good."

I paused, put the laptop aside and kinda patted my lap so he could lie down, which he normally loves, but he shook his head, paling considerably, "no, really, I don't feel good..." followed by a small gag. I cringed, pushing his hair back, "do you want me to get a bucket?" "no, I'm a grown man, I can puke in the bathroom."

I thought it was funny he said this, considering he was shaking from the nausea, but still not making a move to go to the bathroom. I didn't answer him, just scoffed and continued to rub his back, keeping quiet. I could literally hear his tummy gurgling and him gulping down burps.

He's stubborn as hell, so he didn't puke despite it coming very close, then collapsed down on my lap and asked for hair pets again. Which I did, so now he's snoring and I'm typing this on my phone. I'll type more if there are updates.

(this man is gonna give me a stroke)

[httpiastri]

PERFECTLY FINE – CHAPTER THREE (MELBOURNE & IMOLA)

genre: angst, fluff, comfort, etc.

word count: 6.6k

warnings: more heartbreak but that's probs it

author's note: hello again !!! i've been meaning to post this for several days now but never found the strength to proofread it all. decided to fit melbourne and imola both into one chapter because they were kinda short on their own, and they are about a lot of similar stuff so i think it made sense. hope you enjoy, thank you for all love on this <33 monaco chapter is like maybe halfway done so it shouldn't take too long !! (& i like that one more hehe)

series masterlist

MELBOURNE

"ollie, put on your sunglasses," dino tells his friend, doing the same with his own reflective sunglasses before flipping his cap around. "let's look tough and cool."

you roll your eyes, shaking your head at the boys in front of you. ollie does as he's told, both of them crossing their arms over their chests as they lean their shoulders against each others. "is that really the pose you're going for?" you ask, and you're instantly met with a string of protests from the impatient swedish man, making you raise your hands in defense. "as you wish..."

you lean back slightly to fit the whole wall behind them into the frame, all works of graffiti apparently important to include, according to your friend. you're glad that you were quick to press the button to take the picture since, of course, they can't keep the pose for more than a few seconds before breaking into a fit of laughter.

you may be complaining a lot about having been dragged around melbourne the entire day, taking photos of your friends, and being forced to socialize. but really, you're thankful for this opportunity to take your mind off everything that's been going on. during your entire break since jeddah, you've been mourning your feature race and dwelling on everything about paul. it's easy to get stuck in your head, to only remember the bad things. and in those times, you're glad to have people around you to pull you out of the darkness.

melbourne will be different. that's what you've been telling yourself ever since you got out of the car in jeddah. you got your first f3 win here last season, and despite how it's still a fairly new track to you, you have a lot of confidence driving around it. you have faith in your car, and you know you have the skills to perform well. you just need to actually score some points again to keep up in the championship.

"can you two losers stop laughing already?" you huff, slipping your phone into your pocket. "i'm starving, and i refuse to have dinner in the f2 hospitality before the race weekend has even started."

"blah blah blah, you're just picky," dino says as he strolls up to you, one of his hands coming up to mess up your hair. you shoot him a glare. "whatever, let's get going. i'm really hungry myself, actually."

you rake a hand through your hair to fix the chaos he caused, before hurrying to keep up with the long-legged boys who've already started walking away. as you squeeze in between them, ollie reaches for your hand, fingers slipping between yours. you let out a content sigh; not only because you're finally getting some food, nor because of the way ollie squeezes your hand.

like this, it's like you don't seem to have a single care about anything in the world. like you've just flown across the world to hang out with your best friend and your boyfriend, to just have fun and relax in the sun.

dino and ollie pick up on the change in your mood, too; it's hard not to. though you haven't spent any time with them during the break, with the trio split up between england and italy, your slump has been so palpable that they could tell even from so far away. so seeing you this lighthearted and happy makes them satisfied, too.

the calm before the storm, as they say.

"and you said i was the picky one?" you ask as dino sits down at your table in the hospitality, nothing but some plain pasta and some kind of meat pie on his plate.

"you're not much better now, are you?" he asks back, glancing down at your empty plate and then up at your face again. the little baguette you've already eaten was not nearly enough to fuel you for the upcoming qualifying session.

you sigh. "i miss the fish and chips we had yesterday..."

"that was definitely not a part of our diet plan."

a scoff passes your lips and you shake your head. "maybe it wasn't the best possible food for my performance," you start, looking over your shoulder at the long buffet table. "but at least it was edible. my muscles may not have grown, but my heart sure did. isn't that important, too?"

dino chuckles as he chews down some pasta, shrugging his shoulders. "speaking of your heart," he says before taking a long sip from his water bottle. "i was surprised to see how lovey-dovey you and ollie were yesterday."

you raise an eyebrow at him. "aren't we always like that?"

"yeah you are, that's the thing."

you pause for a long moment. "and what's that supposed to mean?"

a sliver of regret makes its way onto his face, so slight you almost don't pick up on it. "well..." he tries his best to play it cool, even pulling his phone out of his pocket to check his notifications, but you see right through him. "i may have heard something, but it doesn't mat-"

you can't stop yourself from cutting him off. "tell me. now."

now it's dino's time to let out a sigh, pulling a hand through his hair. "i heard that you and ollie were having problems. but clearly, that's not the case."

"and who told you that?"

"well, here's the thing, i-" dino's voice cracks just like it always does when he's nervous or when he's lying. he takes a second to clear his throat, and you intervene.

"it was paul, wasn't it?" you ask, and he doesn't answer. the fact that he doesn't immediately deny it, along with his blank expression, gives it away. "that idiot! oh my god..." dino is just about to speak up again, to explain himself or make up an excuse, but you give him no space. "why are you listening to him and not me? why would you not ask me if it's true before assuming something? is he really more reliable when it comes to my relationship?"

"y/n, you know i'm stuck between you three. you're all my best friends, and..." he drags a hand down his face, shaking his head. "how should i know who to trust and who to talk to? i can't even mention him around you."

when his words kick in, your expression softens from the infuriated frown you were earlier displaying. you understand what he means; it must be hard for him to be in the middle of this ongoing cold war. "i get it, i get it," you finally say with a dismissive hand gesture. "just... tell me the details. tell me exactly what he said."

to be fair, the things paul had said to dino weren't as bad as you had expected. it had just been a tiny comment, something along the lines of how paul wasn't sure if you and ollie were still as comfortable around each other since you weren't spotted with him in the paddock in bahrain.

a full-on lie, but not the worst thing to ever happen.

though, what dino then tells you about, is the fact that paul wasn't the only one he heard about it from. kimi had confided in him, too; just like gabriel and dennis.

kimi's story had been pretty much the same as what paul told dino, but dennis said that he had heard that you and ollie had broken up already. and according to gabriel, paul has been telling people that you and ollie are only dating for publicity.

what a joke.

the weight of the rumors sits heavy on your shoulders, but you refuse to let them break you. and despite how much you loathe the thought of even looking at him, your body is bubbling with the need to confront him. this can't go on.

how are you supposed to not think about paul and ollie all day, every day after that?

when you know your ex-boyfriend has been spreading fake rumors about you, how are you supposed to look at his stupid smile when he's walking through the paddock and not punch him in the face?

you manage to restrain yourself, with some help from pepe subtly grabbing your arm to hold you back whenever he notices that paul is near. the negative thing is that it means you don't get an outlet for your emotions.

you have yet to find any positives to it.

you were always told to not mix your driving with romance. now, you understand why. you're so distracted that pretty much everything gets messed up your entire weekend. you aren't able to prepare well for your sessions, so you end up with a weak 15:th position in the qualifying, along with one dnf in the sprint, in what's probably one of the fastest cars on the grid this weekend.

not even the feature works out for you. after a lucky start with five positions gained, you were finally fighting for points again. though, stalling in the pit is apparently not the most optimal thing to do when looking to climb the ranks, which was something you learned the hard way.

the worst of it all is the fact that of course paul ended up with yet another podium. where's the karma in that?

just when you've gotten out of your car and made your way back to the paddock, you spot him. he's on his way to the podium from the cooldown room, climbing a staircase and loudly chatting with zane maloney about the race.

this time, you can't hold back. he ruined your race; he deserves your anger.

"you're a complete idiot, you know that, right?"

your voice startles zane, who looks at you with a guilty expression for a moment until he takes in paul's reaction, realizing that he's not the one you're mat at. "yeah?" the estonian chuckles.

"yeah, you are!" the volume and intensity of your voice rise by the second as you make your way to the foot of the staircase. "where did you find the audacity to run around spreading false rumors about me and my boyfriend?!"

zane slowly steps away, not wanting to get caught in this crossfire, and ascends the steps towards the podium. paul's amused expression doesn't change at all. "what false rumors?"

you gawk at him, completely dumbfounded by his entire way of acting. "that we're having issues."

"well, you are."

"we are not!"

"come on," he starts shaking his head as you take a quick couple of steps up the staircase. "it's easy to see that you're not happy with him."

it doesn't take long for you to reach the landing he's standing on, and for the first time ever, you find yourself hating how tall he is. the way he looks down at you only furthers your aggravation – it's like you're smaller, like you matter less, like you aren't as strong. "and how would you know that i'm not happy?"

he sighs, as if he's completely uninterested in this entire conversation. like your anger doesn't affect him the slightest. "because i know you." he shrugs. "you don't smile like you used to. ollie isn't right for you."

"oh, but you were?!" you scoff, not believing your ears. "you're so conceited, holy shit! you just ruined my weekend, you ruined both of my races, just- leave me and ollie alone!"

when you turn around to descend the stairs again, you notice the crowd that's started to form below you. great. you haven't exactly been subtle, and you wouldn't be surprised if your yells could be heard all the way back to the campos garage. the sight should scare you – any other day, you would've been so embarrassed you'd want to melt through the floor. but right now, you're too full on anger to care.

"maybe you would be driving better if you were still with me."

paul's voice stops you just as you're about to walk down the first step. you slowly turn back to him, mouth gaping wide and eyes blown up.

"something about being with him is clearly bothering you. you weren't like this when you were with me." you're at a loss for words, which he notices and takes advantage of. "you're prioritizing him over your own racing. you did it in bahrain, you did it again in jeddah. it's not good for you."

"maybe what's not good for me is you, have you ever thought about that?" you walk up to him, a finger pressed up to his chest as you stare up at him. "maybe the reason i'm distracted because you won't leave me alone! you keep on spreading these stupid rumors about me and-" you have to pause for a moment to force down the tears that threaten to spill from your eyes. "i can't take it! just back the fuck off!"

you feel like you could explode any second – if that isn't what you just did – and the fact that paul still looks like he doesn't give one single fuck about this makes you want to give him that beating he so deserves. but you hear pepe's voice in the back of your head, reminding you of how the fia wouldn't appreciate having a driver on the grid who gets into fistfights, and so you back off. with one last shake of your head, you turn again, storming down the stairs.

the sea of people at the end of the staircase splits open for you and you hurry away, not taking any time to see if you notice anyone you know in the crowd. you hear a familiar voice call out for you, one you can't quite identify, but you continue running towards your truck.

paul is an idiot – there's no denying in that fact.

but why was there more passion in these two minutes of fighting him than you've had in your entire relationship with ollie?

he can't be right, you decide. you really are in love with ollie, but not in a way that makes you compromise your racing. it's a great relationship, no matter how different it is from the one you had with paul. he may not believe it, but you will make it work.

he can't be right. you won't let him.

ollie heard about the fight between you and paul just minutes later. of course, there are people around the paddock who loves to run around and gossip – and how could they not tell the story of this huge fight to the man who was the topic of it?

in hindsight, he should've come to you instantly. he thought that the wise thing would be to give you space, to give you a few moments to breathe before he came in with all kinds of questions.

but then, when you finally come out of the campos truck over an hour later and make your way over to where he is waiting for you, he can't say anything. he sees the redness of your eyes and hears your heavy sighs loud and clear, and he knows you won't want to talk. he's too late; the wound may still be far from healed, but he still doesn't want to rip off the bandaid you've so carefully applied on yourself.

all he can do is wrap his arms around you, let you rest against his chest and kiss the top of your head, hoping to bring you at least a little bit of comfort.

next time, he will be quicker. he will be there for you right when you need it.

ollie sleeps soundlessly next to you when you pull out your journal from the bedside table. he hasn't had the most flawless weekend either, but at least he scored his first points of the season, which is a great start.

you usually can write paragraphs upon paragraphs about paul. any other day, you're jane austen and nicholas sparks both in one body. but today, there's only one thing that comes out of you.

paul aron is an asshole.

after a few seconds of just staring at your blank journal, another sentence comes to you; one you just can't bring yourself to write down.

but what if he's right?

maybe what you have with ollie isn't true love.

but maybe it's enough.

yourusername just posted!

yourusername not the best weekend race-wise, but alright off the track. we will come back stronger, thank you to the team for all of the hard work :)

show all 54 comments

user keep pushing y/n!! don't let this weekend affect you ❤️

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎

user .....what is pepe doing in the last slide?

→ yourusername wish i knew 🤷‍♀️ he sure looked silly doing it, that's all i know

→ user ollie and dino then?

→ yourusername 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎

user pretty embarrassing weekend tbh

→ user send your hate somewhere else

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎

user did anyone else hear those rumors... about her and paul....

→ user omg what rumors

→ user check your dms 😘

IMOLA

melbourne was not a good weekend in any possible way, and having it be the last weekend before a long break? not exactly what you had hoped for.

in times like these, you do the one thing you're better at than anyone; distracting yourself.

hours upon hours in the red bull simulator, mornings and evenings at the gym, rewatching old f1 and f2 races all night. anything to get your mind off your love life. pepe is a lifesaver too, since he's good at picking up on the little hints about your current mood and he understands which of your buttons not to push when you're like this.

though ollie understands why you're behaving the way you are after melbourne, he still doesn't enjoy the fact that you're much less open and harder to get hold of. there's a long period of time where you don't answer his texts as often as you usually do, where you cut your face time calls short for random reasons, and where he just can't get through to you. and it hurts him so much more since he's several hours away in italy, not able to properly talk to you about it.

that's why he was overjoyed when you arrived in imola a few days earlier than you needed, just so the two of you could spend some time alone before the weekend started.

it's currently wednesday night, and you just need to swing by your hotel room before heading out for dinner. "i'm to be really quick," you say as the light on the door blinks green and you enter, shuffling over to your suitcase. "i just need to find my purse..."

ollie strolls around for a few moments, almost as if inspecting the room, before just standing to watch the sun set over the city through your balcony door. eventually, you hear his voice from behind you. "what's this?"

when you turn around, you find him staring down into your open duffle bag on the floor – and on top of all your clothes lies your journal.

shit.

"it's... nothing."

he chuckles. "it's clearly not nothing. it looks like it's been used quite a lot," he says, eyes moving over to you. "is it a novel? a calendar?"

you turn back to your suitcase, pretending like it's no big deal, that you're just much more interested in finding your purse. "well, something like that."

"something like what?" ollie frowns, bending down a little to take a closer look at the outside.

"found it!" you reach for your handbag, pulling it out and holding it up in the air as you step away from the suitcase. "we can go now."

"why aren't you telling me? is it secret?"

ollie is stubborn; it's one of the things you like about him, one of the things that makes him the person he is. without his determination, he would've never made it to f2 nor the ferrari driver academy – and he wouldn't be your boyfriend. so, you aren't surprised that he's not letting go of your journal.

he can clearly tell it's a big deal for you, despite the fact that you try to hide it, and he can't help but feel a bit of worry creep into him when you don't answer him instantly. he regrets pushing you for an answer, but he's also immensely curious – and he's a bit tired of you still keeping secrets from him, despite the fact that he would never tell you that.

after a few more moments of silence, he takes your hand, leading you to sit down on the edge of the bed with him. and with the way he's looking at you, there's no way you can hold back from telling him.

you tell him about when you first bought it, that rainy day back home in cambridge and that little bookshop near your elementary school. you tell him about how it just called for you, begged for you to buy it, how the dark blue color felt like it was chosen just to attract attention from your eyes and your eyes only.

and you tell him about your therapist and the amount of time you've spent trying to work out all of your issues. you tell him about how when she suggested that you find an outlet for your emotions that's more easily accessible during race weekends, your mind instantly wandered to the little journal you'd bought but found no use for yet.

but you make sure to leave out all of the details, only filling him in on the major issues. you don't tell him about just how bad your performance anxiety gets, or about how close you've been to just quitting racing when your imposter syndrome thoughts cloud your mind. you can't let him know too much, get too close.

you try to brush it off as something casual, like it's no big deal; but you also make sure to tell him how extremely secret it is and about the many ways you would kill him by if you found out he'd read in it. your tone is one of levity, of course – but in reality, you weren't really kidding.

paul knew about the journal, too, and you knew how much he longed to know more than the color of the wrapping. you'd often find him with pleading eyes as he watched you write, tiny pout on his lips and a joking comment along the lines of "you're not cursing me out in that, are you?".

but despite how curious he was, paul never overstepped his boundaries. he would never – and you trust that ollie won't, either. he's far too good for that, too kindhearted and empathetic to go against your wishes. especially with how fragile and vulnerable you look to him in this moment.

he makes sure to listen to every word that leaves your mouth, nodding understandingly and letting you finish pouring your heart out before he speaks up.

"you know, you could also use me if you want to,” he starts, a gentle hand coming up to caress your cheek. "to talk to, i mean. or rant, or anything. if you think being vocal about it instead of writing could work."

of course he would try to find a way to help you out. to him, it's a win-win situation – if venting to him works for you, then that's great, but it would also mean that he could maybe finally work himself past that wall you've built up around yourself. if you start telling him about your feelings for your own sake, maybe he can finally get to know you better and get closer to you.

but that's the thing. opening up means being vulnerable, letting your guard down. you do trust him, you really do; so why can't you just do it?

ollie smiles at the little nod you give him – it's not a promise, but it's a good start. you've started talking to him, and he thinks that maybe the momentum will keep you going.

you realize that he's still holding your hand when he gives it a soft squeeze, standing up from the bed. "enough of that now," he says, trying to ignore the slightly somber expression taking over your features. "let's go to that restaurant, hm?"

you intertwine your fingers with his and rise next to him, slinging your purse over your shoulder with another nod. "let's go."

seven missed calls.

that's the sight you're met by when you scan over your phone notifications after your post-qualifying debrief with the team. you don't even need to check who they're from; you knew your dad would be dissatisfied with your results from the second you stepped out of your car halfway through the session.

before today, you hadn't spun out in a qualifying session since your karting days – but apparently, there's a first time for everything. another qualifying outside of the top ten means that yet again, you will be starting in the lower ranks in both races. missing out on the reverse grid always sucks, but it sucks a little extra when you know you could've, and should've, performed better. with pepe's third-place finish, you know your campos car was good enough to end up in the top of the timings. if only you'd kept the car on the track, maybe you could've proved something.

proven that you're capable, proven that you belong here. proven that you actually can handle the pressure.

if you know your dad right, he's definitely not calling to give you his condolences or cheer you up. it's not exactly his style. chances are, he's not just going to criticize your performance, but also compare it to a certain someone else's.

ollie managed to snatch that second place for the starting grid on sunday, which is something you should only be happy about. but as much as you adore your boyfriend and wish him all of the joy in the world, it's upsetting that he needed to perform so well this weekend. it's like the fuel to your dad's "you should've gone to ferrari"-fire he wanted so badly.

pepe knows that look on your face by now; he's been a first-hand witness to your fights with your father too many times to count by now. his hand on your shoulder gives you a quick squeeze after he's watched you flip your phone upside down on the table with a sigh before slumping further into your seat.

"did someone die in here or what?" sebastian's voice spreads through the room when he walks into it and catches a glimpse of you. the air is so thick with tension that he fears he will choke on it if he doesn't try to lighten the mood a bit.

"nothing except my weekend, i guess," you mumble back, not giving into his attempt that easily. what's he so happy for, anyway? his result of qualifying 25th isn't exactly something to celebrate, either.

"hey, cheer up," sebastian says. "we'll have an overtaking party this weekend!"

when you stay quiet, pepe says something quick in spanish to sebastian who just nods, eyes flickering between you two. you let out a groan – it's ironic, really, since you're a driver for a spanish team, but you hate it when people speak spanish around you since you can't understand it. especially when you know they're talking about you but not with you.

pepe apologizes instantly, but the smile on his lips never falters. not even your behavior is enough to stop him from beaming over his own qualifying results. for the first time in a while, he is actually happy after a session – and he won't let you ruin it.

"okay, come on. i have the perfect plan to save this night," pepe starts. your phone buzzes on the table with what you assume is another angry message, and you're just about to open it when he interjects. "and that starts with giving me your phone."

"that seems pretty suspicious…" you say, though you understand immediately why he does it. pepe knows you far too well already.

you reluctantly place your phone into the hand he holds out for you. "i promise to let you know if ollie or anyone on the team texts you. but i think you need to stay away from this for a while." he nods toward sebastian, whose eyebrows shoot up in surprise. "could you run out to get some kind of candy? anything that could work as poker chips is good enough."

"and i suppose that means my deck of cards is needed, too?" you ask, not able to hold back from smiling anymore at your friend's silly attempt to cheer you up.

"you bet."

call it childish, but your poker session really did serve its purpose. it ended up being the first time you've been able to properly relax and just have fun in months. it didn’t matter that none of you three got a lot of sleep – just getting to enjoy the moment was good enough.

however, the next day, it was all back to square one again.

the sprint race was indeed an overtaking party, as sebastian had suggested – but six overtakes from p20 is still not enough for any points, not even when about five drivers crash in the first lap. despite all that, you still had some hope for the feature; even more laps to work your way up the ranks and the possibility of having a good strategy were the only two thoughts on your mind.

but yet again, you left the race having scored exactly no points. and to your biggest annoyance, the winner was the one person you prayed would not get the win. one pretty much no one had expected.

just like spa last year in f3, paul was insanely lucky with his choice of strategy. with a perfectly timed late pit stop when the safety car came out, he came out in the front of the field on his new option tires. pretty much the entire field behind him had opted for the opposite strategy, which meant he soared away at the safety car restart and took the win quite easily.

at least, now the championship can't possibly get any worse, can it?

celebrations are always due when paul wins, and this weekend is no exception. you honestly wanted nothing more than to stay back in your hotel room and forget about the weekend even happening. but after some combined begging from ollie, pepe and jak, all saying something about how "you're no fun anymore" and "it's been so long since you partied with us", you finally gave in.

"and i promise, you won't be left alone for even a second," ollie whispers into your ear as he wraps his arm around your waist, guiding you through the door to the club of the night. "i'll be right here, and all of your other friends. okay?"

your answer comes in the form of a hum and a quick nod as the loud music floods all of your senses the second you step into the club. your boyfriend gives you a squeeze, just about to speak up again, when he spots pepe waving at you both from a table a few meters ahead.

"you actually made it!" he exclaims when you join him, reaching over to give your shoulder a gentle squeeze before letting his hand drop to his side again. "and you look great. i was scared you'd show up wearing your race suit or pyjamas just as a form of protest."

"trust me, i wanted to," you tell him with a shrug. "but someone stopped me. said it wasn’t appropriate."

"what, i was just supposed to let you make a fool of yourself?" ollie scoffs from next to you. "isn't that why i'm your boyfriend? making sure you don't embarrass yourself in public?"

"of course, what else?" you say back without missing a beat, giving him a pat on the top of his head. you then turn to greet dennis, zak and gabriel, who are also standing by the table. the discussion around the table easily falls into a race debrief, before morphing into a debate about the f1 race of the night. but it doesn't take long until the group is split up, with pepe and gabriel deciding to go for a round of dancing on the dance floor, and dennis and zak both running off toward the bathrooms.

you have to confirm to ollie about five times that you indeed will be alright standing alone for a few moments as he walks the twenty meters away to the bar to get you both a drink before he actually goes away. the way he's treating you feels somewhat strange; like you're some kind of fragile glass sculpture, like even the slightest hint of turbulence will make you break.

but then again, maybe you've earned it. your recent months definitely haven't been making you any stronger, that's for sure.

you don't really mind it at first; the slight tipsiness you already feel from the shots dennis had ordered for the table and the throbbing bass from the random house song playing on the dance floor doing a good job at drowning out your thoughts. except, that's only until something out on the dance floor catches your attention from the corner of your eye.

paul has been gone all evening, busy celebrating his win probably, and your heart flutters momentarily at the sight of him out there. but when you turn your head towards him to take him in fully, your heart drops instead.

he's with someone. and not just anyone – a girl.

a girl who's got her arms draped around his neck, while his hands hold her hips close to him.

the smiles on their lips can be spotted from miles away, and you can hear the sweet sound of paul's laughter ringing in your ears when you see her lean in to whisper something in his ear.

who is she? what's she doing with her arms around him? why is she-

your thoughts all go silent when paul places a hand underneath her jaw, leans down, and gently presses his lips to hers. it's like the entire world goes silent; like everything else is just a blur of blinking lights, but the spotlight is on the couple on the dance floor. your eyes can't help but follow their lips, their hands caressing each other's bodies...

goosebumps spread across your skin in an instant and an eerie feeling passes through your body. you finally manage to pull your gaze off paul and the girl – who is she, anyway? – and you turn away, making a beeline to the restroom. thankfully, a woman exits through the door just as you arrive, and you're quick to lock yourself in.

once you're inside and pressing your back up against the wall, it's like everything that's been building up in you is let loose. the walls are broken down, and every thought and emotion you have comes crashing down onto you. rivers of tears are flowing down your cheeks before you can react, and you slide down the wall, knees coming up to your chest as your hands come up to cover your face.

there's this strong, heartbreaking feeling spreading through your chest. is it jealousy? is it disappointment? regret?

what you do know is that this aching feeling in your heart is stronger than ever.

is this how paul feels when he sees me with ollie?

it can't be, you think – it just can't. paul can't be in this much pain...

does this mean that you still love him? does this mean you still aren't over him?

you know you should be over him already. you've tried so hard, put so much energy into your relationship with ollie. and yet, you still feel like this.

it's not fair. not to you, and especially not to ollie. he cares about you, respects you, supports you – hell, he's probably out there right now looking for you and wanting to make sure you're okay. he really likes you, and he thinks you like him too. but here you are, crying about another man.

when you're all out of tears, you use your last piece of strength to push yourself up from the floor, standing up and leaning over the sink. wearing non-waterproof is both a blessing and a curse; the trails down your cheeks are straight out of a nightmare, but they're also easy to wash off with a little water and some paper towels. the redness in your eyes isn't as easy to erase, unfortunately, but it'll have to do. you hope to be able to blame it on being tired, or having too much to drink.

you take a deep breath before stepping out of the bathroom and making your way towards the crowd on the dance floor again. the music is just as loud as it was before, and the crowd is just as sweaty and chaotic as a packed summer festival. thankfully, you don't see paul anywhere, but you find ollie quite easily. he's standing by a high table with gabriel and dennis when you approach, eyes lighting up when he spots you.

"there you are!" he exclaims, throwing an arm around your shoulders. "i've been looking for you–" ollie cuts himself off, his eyebrows furrowing a little. his voice lowers a few notches. "what's wrong?"

he noticed. in hindsight, how could he not? he's always been extremely attentive. "it's nothing, i..." you start, looking down at your feet. "i'm just exhausted from the day."

but he isn't stupid. he knows, he understands. even if he doesn't know who or what caused it, it's easy for him to tell that you've been crying. he nods, arm dropping from your shoulders to hold you around your back. "okay," he says, hand giving your waist a soft squeeze. "let's leave."

you look up at him again. the last thing you want is for him to have to cut his night short just for you. "no, i can go alone-"

"i don't mind. we came together, so we're leaving together." and before you can interject again, he's already said his goodbyes to the boys and pulled you along through the crowd.

the cab ride back to the hotel is mostly silent. you play the "exhausted" card, while ollie plays the "naive boyfriend" card. but just because you're both quiet doesn't mean your heads aren't absolutely buzzing. your mind is racing with the memory of paul's lips on that girl, kissing her and holding her like he used to kiss and hold you. but your thoughts are also clouded by the guilt you feel for being this much of a mess, and making yourself so unavailable to ollie.

ollie, on the other hand, isn't exactly rolling his thumbs, either. it takes his everything not to push you into telling him what's wrong; he wishes you would tell him because you want to, not because he's pressuring you. he's so worried about you, but at the same time, he hates the fact that you won't confide in him.

what's he doing wrong? why don't you trust him?

ollie is fast asleep next to you in your hotel bed when you pull out your dark blue journal from the bedside table.

the journal is not a secret from him anymore per se, but you still waited until this moment. the guilt of writing about another man when ollie is the one in bed with you is too big to face with his brown eyes looking up at you, so you'd rather do it like this.

yet another round of the championship, yet another bad weekend. no points, bad results as always – and that's not even the worst part.

paul was with another girl. someone i've never seen before. but he was acting like they were attached by the hip. like they've known each other forever. like i wasn't even there.

he must've known i would see. and yet, he had no issues kissing her like his life depended on it.

is it only this painful to see paul because we haven't spoken in weeks?

or is it going to be like this forever?

and just like in melbourne, there's one more thought that springs to your mind that you just can't find in yourself to write down.

i wish it were me.

yourusername just posted!

yourusername a weekend to forget, focusing on monaco instead. thanks for your support. ❤️ #foreversenna

show all 47 comments

user you did the best you could 💙

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎

user honestly what is she doing?

→ user bad results over and over even though the car is on fire, what even

→ user awkward

‎ ‎ ��� ‎ ‎

user are she and ollie even a couple anymore?

→ user just because she doesn't post him, they've broken up? 🤨

→ user no no it's just because i've heard things... 😶

→ user omg pls tell me

→ user she'll delete the comment probably 🤪 but lemme dm you

[aithusarosekiller]

fic recs, some positivity for your blog!!

(all on ao3, it's all i use)

"only the brave" by solmussa is genuinely my favourite fic ever (in my years of obsessive fanfic reading), it's got jegulus, wolfstar, dorlene, rosekiller, pandalily, amazing ocs (elspeth fawley my love my darling my beloved), MOONWATER FRIENDSHIP SUPREMACY, regulus being an evil (not actually) mastermind and literally i like fucking cannot. i cant even begin to describe how much i love this fic, 100/10 absolutely recommend reading if you haven't already [completed, 64 chapters, 645k words]

"go east" by xinasvoice is a wolfstar howls moving castle au, literally need i say more [completed, 11 chapters, 84k words]

"threes family" and it's sequel "eights company" by darkbluedark, im obsessed with marauders time travel fics if you couldn't tell [threes family is complete, 5 chapters, almost 20k words; eights company is a wip, 3 chapters, 15k words]

"the golden king" by maladaptivewriting, another time travel fic!! jegulus, wolfstar, drarry, regulus being a slayboss icon as per usual [wip, but already has 123 chapters and almost 500k words]

"like real people do" by arins_writings has jegulus, wolfstar, dorlene, time travel (yippie!!!), enemies to lovers, forced (ish) proximity and all sorts of shit that makes my autism happy [completed, 60 chapters, 201k words. sequel is a wip, 6 chapters, 16k words]

"into the dark" by phantomgrimalkin another time travel fic!!! wolfstar, jily, drarry, bastard rat ass motherfucker albus dumbledore [complete, 20 chapters, 88k words]

"(i will) wear you down" by rainiris is an amazing motherfucking concept, really slow updates but is absolutely worth it. jegulus, wolfstar, marylily, dorlene, past jily (and harry!), basically regulus fakes his death but james goes looking for him, the cutie patootie [wip, 18/32 chapters, 121k words]

"you only live twice" by drift99 is also really good, it's wolfstar, jily (jegulily later on ehehe), polyamory time travel bullshit (literally my favourite kind of bullshit). remus and hermione saving the world, underrated friendship tbh [completed, 47 chapters, 95k words]

"anti-hero" by rweoutofthewoods has jegulus, wolfstar, bamf regulus, moonwater friendship!!! regulus fakes his death, but remus finds him. platonic soulmates istg. also has marylily but it doesn't end well for them :((… [completed, 41 chapters, 237k words]

"dear your holiness" by mollymarymarie is basically, at it's barest bones, a wolfstar fleabag au. priest remus lupin, modern au, sorta-partly-kinda texting fic, very very sacrilegious, and a happy ending! [completed, 12 chapters, 142k words]

"saccharine" by moonymoment is a sweet little (maybe not little, but shorter than my usual 100k+ word fics) wolfstar modern ghost au! background jily, happy ending, basically sirius is a ghost that haunts remus' apartment and its really domestic

if you've read any/all of these pls lmk what you think i love to talk about the marauders

OMG HIIII

I also only use ao3 so don't you even worry 😭 ao3 is my baby I live there

THIS IS PERFECT TIMING bc i started only the brave last year big for some reason stopped? Idk if it was school work or something but I've been telling myself that this summer im gonna read it all the way through because I remember loving the writing and the story so I can't wait to sit and get all the way through it again. I've already seen so many spoilers but I'm gonna pretend I haven't 💀

I've been subscribed to the golden king since Reg's first Diagon trip and it LOVE IT SO MUCH 😭 the bond with Harry, the relationship with Sirius creeping back, the entire MESS with James. I love it. So good.

Okay about like real people do 😭 I SWEAR I MUST HAVE READ IT???? I love time-travel and I love Jegulus and I love long fics....and I SWEAR it rings a bell in my mind so tell me why I just went over to ao3 to double check and I literally cannot remember it 😞 maybe I read a bit then lost the tab???? Or started smth else and forgot to go back???? Either way it's going back onto the tbr bc why the hell would I not have read it all that's insane. Thank you for reviving my pea-memory so I can come back to this one 🙏

I LOVE ANTI HERO SO SO MUCH DUDE like I remember reading it last year and not putting my phone down until it was done, it's a PROBLEM. Whenever I think about reg lives I think about that even when I've read so many others with the concept it's just so...AAAAA. The desert scene of forever stuck in my mind for some reason idk 😭

I personally will probably not read the others (the people who know my blog could smell this coming, I see you) because wolfstar and jily aren't really my thing anymore (I dealt with a few elitist/aggressive fans over the years which has unfortunately just completely put me off being able to enjoy any content for them anymore :( still makes me sad icl) but!! I will tag it with them so all the people who DO love them can see these recs and go and read them if they haven't already because the premises look SO cool

[the-fiction-witch]

I'm Listening

Media The Artful Dodger

Character Jack Dawkins

Couple Jack X Reader

Rating Sweet AF

Requested: Hey really love your blog <3 I'd like to request a Jack dawkins one where she is autistic and has a meltdown because she got overstimulated + too much emotions and Jack maybe panicking a bit because he doesn't know what's wrong and she is rocking and kinda hurting herself through stimming. Just hurt/comfort stuff. Kinda specific so only if your comfortable with it but would be very happy about it. Thank you ♡

Warning: Panic Attack / Overstimulation / emotioanal meltdown / stimming / Nail picking / Nail biting /

I sat, my knees pulled to my chest, my mind a flood with thoughts, feelings, and every other thought in the world. Everything had just overflowed so I had run up to our room and hidden away from the world. Tears flooded down my cheeks, picking at my nail beds beyond the point of it being painful, my body uncontrollably moving back and forth to rock myself. I heard the door open and immediately didn't want to have to deal with explaining myself. 

"Ahh, There you are Y/n." Jack smiled as he shut the door, "I've been looking all over the hospital for you," He laughed as he came over and kissed my forehead, which was enough for me to almost scream and move away, he noticed and put some space between us. "What have I done?" he asked but I didn't have the strength to speak, "Ohh come on sweetheart what have I done? You have to tell me you know I hate you being upset with me."

"Y-You haven't done any-" I forced as I tried to speak,

"Have you been up here all afternoon?" He asked and I nodded, "Then talk to me, what's made you so upset?" He asked, "And please stop doing that y/n." He said trying to make my hands stop picking my nails, but I slapped his hands away "Please, I don't know how to help sweetheart. You have to tell me so I can-"

"Enough!" I yelled putting my hands over my ears and trying to just sit quietly,

He was silent and sat on the bed keeping a distance between us, he was slow and gentle with his breaths keeping loud enough that even if absentmindedly I began to follow them, he waited for a while before he spoke up, softly and gently. "I just wanna help." 

"I know... I know... I'm sorry,"

"You don't need to be sorry. I know you... get like this sometimes." he said, "I guess this is from, Everything down there."He asked and I nodded, "Alright, I wanna help. Just tell me what you need me to do, take as long as you need." 

"I'm sorry-"

"It's Alright, my fault for not noticing you were like this. We can talk. I can help. or we can just sit in silence whatever is gonna help." 

"Silence. for now."

He nodded and for a while the two of us just sat together with the only sound of our breathing, the room darkening as the evening rolled in, after a while, I took his hand and set it on my head. He smiled and gently stroked my hair "You ready to talk?" he asked and I nodded, "Okay, I'm listening."

"Today just... got to be too much."

"That's okay, it has been very hectic today. I'm proud of you for coming up here and taking time for yourself." He smiled, "Come on you talk as much as you need to I'll be here to listen."

I let out a sigh, "It's all been too busy, so many people and they are all complaining about nothing, and the nurses are getting irritable with me because I can't find anything where they moved the cupboards around last week, and it all got so loud, and hot, and I couldn't find anything, and I was already uncomfortable being on my own all day and my socks are very tight and it's uncomfortable!" 

"...You done? That everything?"

"I think so."

"Okay," He nodded, "It's all okay sweetheart, it's over now. No more work, we can sit here in the dark together if that's what you want. I'll even leave you alone if you'd prefer."

"No, I'd like you here."

"Then I'm very happy to stay" he smiled, "You wanna sit in the dark?"

"Yes please,"

"Okay, No worries. I like the dark." He smiled still slowly stroking my hair, "I know this is hard for you, and I'm happy you let me in even after a little while, I feel terrible I keep kinda forgetting what you like sometimes."

"It's okay. not on you to deal with my nonsense."

"It's not nonsense. It's you. and I love taking care of you sweetheart." he smiled, "I know what might help." he said briefly grabbing something from the side, "Would sock owl help?" he asked giving the small owl made from old socks and fabric cuts in his hand I nodded and took the little owl giving it a squeeze feeling the various stuffed fabrics move a little as I did, "There, better?"

"Yeah thank you, Jack." I smiled,

"You're welcome." he smiled, taking my hands and kissing my fingers where I had picked them so much they had bled, he gave each a kiss before cleaning my fingers and wrapping them up in bandages "There, all better." He smiled, "It worries me when you get this bad, you know it's the one thing I don't like you doing. You need your hands, and your cute little fingers, we work and live in a hospital sweetheart you need them, and it's the place most in contact for infection, I know it... what you feel you have to do. But you have sock owl, and me, I'd just really rather you try working on some other types of stimming when you're like this. Okay?"

"I'll try Jack."

"That's my girl." He cooed, "You think you're okay enough for a cuddle?"

"Yes." I nodded giving him a tight cuddle,

"Aww hi, sweetheart." he smiled kissing my head, "You feel better?"

"Much better, now you're here."

"I'm glad I could be so helpful to you, and I'm glad you feel better Y/n." 

[invisibleraven]

21. “How often does this happen?” for PeterPatterLina plz and thank you

Reggie is no stranger to the nurse's office at school-he's pretty accident prone as it is, but where he's also on a couple medications, he has to visit for those as well.

Today though-it's a special circumstance. He's walking the hallways with Alex, not paying attention where he's going and then he sees them-Luke and Julie-the school's power couple and the unrequited objects of his affections.

Not that he's ever told them how he feels, no. He's only really talked to them in the two classes they share-math because they needed a tutor, and music, because they all got assigned together for a group project.

But he still stops when he sees them, staring as they talk to each other in that cute close way that couples do. Heads bent together, oblivious to the world.

Alex has already gone ahead-he knows Reggie is lost for the next little bit, and besides if he times it right he can catch Willie between classes for an indiscrete kiss or three.

But because Luke and Julie aren't paying attention, and well, Reggie is too absorbed in them to really notice, they all bump into one another, knocking the three of them down.

"Ow," Luke groans, righting himself, and offering Julie a hand up. "You okay?"

"Yeah," she replied, dusting herself off, then looking at Reggie. "Are ou okay Reggie?"

Reggie gave a vague thumbs up, but his head was spinning-it had taken the brunt of the force when he hit the floor. "Kinda dizzy."

"Yeah, let's get you to the nurse's office," Luke said, scooping Reggie up under the arms, Julie gathering his stuff and walking slowly down the hall. "Warn me if you gotta hurl."

"Can do."

They enter the nurse's office, and the receptionist there doesn't look at all surprised to see them. "What did you do to yourself now Reggie?"

"Oh you know me Flo, always bumping into things," Reggie replied with a grin. "Though I maybe just a tiny bit concussed."

"You know the way to your bed," she sighed. "I'll get Nurse Kline."

"Oh yay, she's nice," Reggie said, nodding towards a bed near the back. "That way."

“How often does this happen?” Julie asked. "You ending up in here?"

"Um, a fair bit," Reggie admitted, thanking Luke as he set him down on the bed. "I always seem to be hurting myself, and thanks to several different diagnoses, I have a whole slew of pills to take."

"That sucks," Luke said, absent mindedly playing with a tongue depressor.

"Eh, it is what it is," Reggie shrugged. "You guys don't have to stay. Nurse Kline will look me over, let me rest, and even give me a sucker to bring my blood sugar back up. It's the same every time."

"It's our fault you're in here, we're going to stay," Julie declared.

"Yeah," Luke said, sitting next to Reggie on the bed. "Not like either of us were in a hurry to get to History class."

"Flo will write you a note if you ask nice," Reggie said. "She's the best."

"Back again Reginald?" Nurse Kline asked, but she had a smile on her face.

"Hit my head," Reggie replied.

"We knocked him over," Julie supplied.

"Accidently!" Luke piped up.

"Uh huh," the nurse said, feeling Reggie's head and tsked. "You've got quite the goose egg young man. Do I need to make ou wear a helmet in the halls now?"

"Please no, it'll mess up my hair," Reggie whined.

"Well then let's get some ice on that bump, and some juice in you, it's almost time for your pills anyways and I know you didn't eat enough at lunch today."

"Haven't gotten my allowance yet," Reggie deflected.

"Here," Julie said, offering him a granola bar. "It's not much, but it's something."

"Thanks," Reggie replied, taking half of the bar down in one bite.

Nurse Kline came back with an ice pack, a glass of juice and a small paper cup of pills. "I got some pain killers in there too-the good ones, just for you."

"Bless you Doris."

Reggie swallowed the pills dry, then gulped down the juice before holding the ice pack to his head, hissing at the cold. "I'm good now if you two want to go."

"Do you want us to go?" Julie asked.

"I just don't want you to feel like you have to," Reggie replied.

Luke snorted at that. "We do what we want. And we want to hang out with you. Outside of class. Get to know you."

"Why?"

"Because you're smart, and sweet," Julie stated.

"And super cute," Luke added, making Reggie blush.

"That too," Julie agreed. "You cool with that?"

"Very," Reggie said. "But maybe remind me of it later so I don't think it's the concussion talking?"

Luke and Julie exchanged a grin. "We can do that."

And the way they reminded him was even sweeter than the sucker he got when he left the nurse's office-and tasted just like it too.

[loverlylight]

Sometimes it's just... I dunno, odd trying to build up to being a functioning human again. And I have made a lot of progress, but sometimes it's odd what I still haven't got back, if that makes sense? Putting a read more because this got long and talks about suicidal ideation and all that.

Like, eight months ago, I was just blank. I could respond physically to stuff, but I was in so much emotional pain my mind was just not really there, I couldn't speak much and from what I've been told when I did speak it was very dull and unemotional. I couldn't force myself to do anything I did not have to do, and my body was also barely functioning because of all the breathing issues and weakness and the fact that I was somehow hoping I could starve myself to death without anyone noticing which yeah is stupid but I wasn't in the best state of mind, and anyway that resulted in me several times just sitting motionless for hours doing nothing. There were multiple times where I'd go days without eating, or forcing myself to eat but being unable to keep from crying because I knew eating was keeping me alive which I did not want, and I obviously wasn't keeping track but mom estimated that days when I would eat I'd have like 500 calories a day. And I either wanted to die or was thinking about how I could follow through on that desire in a way that would cause the least amount of trouble for people. (I remember one time, since I live on the second floor, I was weighing jumping out the window but decided that not only would that likely not flat out kill me but that we live right near this tiny playground our complex has and I was like okay I don't want to risk a kid coming across me and getting traumatized or anything. Also had a serious discussion with my sister about whether it would be better for her & the family if I died for my body to be found or not.) There were a lot of times when I got up to the edge of taking action, sometimes I would have tried if my body had more energy, and then when I finally did try but stopped myself in time, and... I dunno. Basically, for the longest time I was completely unable to do pretty much anything.

And now, like, I'm getting better at stuff. I can't be anywhere too crowded or without having a way to leave if things get to be too much, but I'm able to drive again, and more than just down the street. I'm able to interact with the world and other people, even though it's still kinda shaky and different. I consistently eat two meals a day, I still fall down multiple times a day but I'm able to go on a full walk around the block, but I'm just... I just find it kinda weird what my brain's doing, like I'm able to take some initiative to connect with other people but it's a lot... shallower on my end, for lack of a better term. I still care about people very much, but the ability to do something about that care is not very strong. Like, gifts, in past years I've put a lot of thought into not just the gift but also like how I'd wrap it and the type of tag and all that, but this year while I still got people gifts, I didn't have the mental energy to put in the thought I'd have liked to. Anyway, I have gotten this far and lack of sleep is catching up to me so, uh, bye.

[runfast-runfar]

Hey friends!! It's been a while!! I want to try and post on here more regularly because I genuinely miss this community of people so much! So here's to little life updates becoming a thing again :)

July 2024

I think I mentioned on here a few months back, but the startup I was working at for 2 years shut down in April and so I have been unemployed since then. Getting my next job has been rough.. but things are finally moving a bit more and I am getting more interviews and hopefully something will work out sooner rather than later.

Life hasn't been too exciting recently, mostly because of the lack of job and me being me, a huge introvert, my days haven't been filled with much. But to be honest, in many ways, that's been quite nice.

Last week I went to go see the movie Twisters and it was SO good!! I'm biased because I am in love with Glen Powell (and also low key in love with Daisy Edgar-Jones in a be BFFs with me please kinda way lol!) So that was a nice afternoon out!

I've been getting back into running after about a year and a half pretty much off from it. When I went to residential treatment last year for my ed I had to cut back on running and a few months prior to going there I had been running less just due to not doing well with food. So the past maybe month or so has been the first time going back to running consistently since close to 2022!? And I am so glad I took the time off I did and didn't force myself to do it otherwise I think it would have ruined the sport for me! But I love it and am so happy to have that escape/coping skill back. I will run and either listen to music or sometimes listen to an audiobook, and it's honestly my favorite way to decompress.

I usually end my run at some sort of shop lol, today was ending at the local farmers market and then walking home :)

I saw this pin there today too and tbh if I had an income I would have bought it lol

Since being unemployed I have been dog walking/and dog sitting pretty often which tbh if this could be my full time job, I would die happy haha! I walk this dog Finn every week (and spend probably 1-2 weekends every month or so staying at his house dogsitting) and it is always SUCH a highlight! He's got a super special place in my heart my Finny boy! For OG's who followed me years ago I used to dog walk/dog sit an Australian cattle mix pup named Finley who was my heart and soul! She passed in 2020, but I watched her for almost 6 years and there is something about dogs named Fin/Finn I think because these two pups have such incredibly special places in my heart!

Life has been good in some ways and incredibly hard in others since I've really last been on here. But that is life I guess, there's often good and bad intertwined.

I hope that you're all doing well!

[medtech-mara]

If you haven't read it, the 1992 Robocop versus Terminator crossover is amazingly batshit. As someone who was pretty unimpressed with Frank Miller's script for Robocop 2 (or at least the comic adaptation of it), I liked it a lot. It actually feels like more than an empty action figure mash-up, but a genuine clash of tones and themes, Miller turning out be suprisingly good at evil AI monologues, and he and Walt Simonson could still comicbook like no one else. It ends in the dumbest and absolute best way it could.

I desperately wish I had the ability to sit and read like I used to. I used to be such an avid reader. I'd read a book a week depending on how much school/work got in the way.

Now I can barely even force myself to read a chapter before bed. I have attempted to force myself back to reading again, by reading my favorite book (which is not at all cyberpunk but is a historical fiction). And I DEVOURED that book, and I started on the Witcher after.... I'm still working thru it and 1Q84, which I have almost completed the whole series of 1Q84, but something got in the way, so i decided to start over a couple years after I put it down.. I'm still working my way thru.

I sometimes get the chance to read peoples Fics if they ask me to read it, but beyond that, I'm busy being a mother and world building... though, maybe I should cut back on my vidja game time for reading instead, but I really need instant gratification these days when I have so little time for me.

Though, I will put it on the list of books I might suggest hubby to put it on the list for Audible and see if thats something we might listen to together.

However if we wanna talk A.I, I can talk about I have no mouth and I must scream?

So FUNNY STORY ABOUT THAT!

I used to get such ANXIETY from Cyberpunk dystopia's or anything to do with robots/tech/a.i rising up, or what the government might do with such things. Like it created a whole existential crisis everytime it crossed my mind, just from "I have no mouth and I must scream." well and an i.t abusive ex

When I tried to watch Bladerunner 2049 for the first time, I couldn't make it past them flying over L.A. The oppressive architect and the darkness of the city, everyone all piled together (i grew up rural). It caused a panic attack, I tuned it off. I ofc have gotten over that, because of Cyberpunk: Edgerunners, somehow, that cured me. Thanks Studio Trigger. 👍🏽

Anyway AM is one evil sick A.I and scared me beyond belief. Still kinda does. He is A.I right?

[one-winged-dreams]

Dropping some 'what do angels dream of' lore that pertains to my insert's weapon.

(this is long as fuck so putting it under a readmore)

SO. My s/i uses a gunblade that's kind of shitty because it was the best I could afford as a 3rd class because my parents disowned me, and I had to fend for myself pretty much. I'm stuck in the vicious cycle of having to keep getting it repaired, so I can't afford a new one because I can't save up BECAUSE THE GODDAMN THING KEEPS BREAKING.

Anyway, I never articulated that Angeal and I actually meet for the first time when I'm assigned with him on a mission as like, assistance. I had advanced from 3rd class to 2nd like, REALLY quickly because, despite my debilitating fear of failure, 2nd class was pretty low-stakes and I'm a damn good fighter.

Anyway, he got to see firsthand how good I am at kicking ass, and for the last fight of the mission, my gunblade breaks AGAIN from the force of the final blow, and I just kinda frown.

And he comes over to commend me on my performance, and I'm like internally screaming because holy shit, I'm getting praised by one of the 1sts, and also he's VERY handsome.

He makes a comment about my weapon, and I'm like, "Um, yeah, it's kind of cheap. I'm gonna have to get it repaired again, I guess."

Angeal will remember this.

Anyway, after a few more assignments, we start like. Getting close. REALLY close. And I'm still using that shitty gunblade over and over again, and it keeps breaking OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

And then one day, during a particularly tough mission, it just absolutely shatters, and the mechanisms all but explode on me. And I'm sitting there holding the hilt of it and thinking about how fucked I am because there's no way I'm gonna be able to buy a new one anytime soon.

This depresses the FUCK out of me because that shitty thing had been with me since my compensation check for joining the SOLDIER program, and I guess I'll have to learn how to use a proper sword again, hopefully a good one isn't TOO expensive.

Anyway, Angeal and I are doing our couple thing, he's trying to cheer me up because, goddamn, I'm bummed the fuck out. And he's like, "You're not nervous about your assignment tomorrow, are you?"

And I'm like, "Of course I am, I haven't used a regular blade since early training, and even then I swapped over to learning to use a gunblade halfway through."

"Hm. That won't do, then, will it?"

And he stands up, and I watch him just kinda walk over to something, he looks back at me and smiles that charming smile and tells me not to look.

And I don't, and I'm confused until he comes back around with the most kickass gunblade I have EVER seen and is just like, "Would this make it better?"

And I'm just sobbing and telling him he didn't need to do that, and he's internally like, 'I don't know what I expected,' but he sits back down and hugs me and tells me of course he didn't, but he WANTED to. Okay, maybe he DID need to, how am I supposed to do assignments if I don't have a proper weapon?

And then he tries to ground me like, "This one probably has more kick to it than your old one, why don't we go to the training room and test it out?"

And we do, and holy shit, he's SO right, but I take it like a champ, and he's so proud of me. so much so that he has to SHOW me how proud he is that i can take to a powerful weapon so naturally

And that thing is my pride and joy for the longest time until the events of Crisis Core and my desertion. Of course I take it with me, it's all I have left of Angeal. When I literally toss it aside while fighting Zack because I'm just so willing to let him kill me, he barely misses and just sticks the buster sword in the ground and grabs me by my shirt and just gives me the most passionate speech ever about how I have to keep living because he and I are the last of Angeal's legacy. And he gets through to me, leaves, tells Shinra he couldn't find me, and then we never see each other again.

And about two years after Zack 😬, I'm still in that little village/town I ran off to, doing work slaying monsters and helping out to the point where 'that guy living out in the woods' is just a positive part of their lives. But Shinra found out there's a rogue ex-SOLDIER there and sends some people to ask questions, and they just keep coming back until I come and kick ass and tell them to leave and never come back. Which obviously does not work, because come on, Shinra's just evil like that. And they keep coming back, and I keep kicking ass until they bring like... IDK, a mech or something and threaten to raze the whole town. And then off I go fighting my hardest, and manage to destroy the thing, but I'm very much injured to the point of near death. And I go to the... town elder or something, idk, and tell him next Shinra shows up, show them that their SOLDIER left for good and it's pointless to keep looking for him here.

And then I present my gunblade and tell him, "Give this to the next person who comes along. Someone who dreams... of an honorable cause."

And then I fuck off back to my little hut in the woods, where Angeal is waiting to take me back to the lifestream, and OH GOD, I'M CRYING, OKAY, POST OVER, YOU'RE FREE TO GO.

WAIT, HOLD ON, NEVERMIND

In a super meta turn of events, I forgot that this is a weapon that my insert for Barret can get in the VII story lmfao.

[mlobsters]

supernatural s10e3 soul survivor (w. brad buckner, eugenie ross-leming)

(i feel like eugenie and brad episodes have been on the better side of things generally? that's why i tag the writers in the post so i can theoretically go back and get a ~feel~ for how i felt in an organized fashion esp since i can't remember episodes names/numbers for shit)

priest blessing?? whatever the blood to de-demon dean also inexplicably has an accent

dean, i'm begging you, please bring your voice back up a smidge. also i really thought the demon arc was longer! probably because fic is fleshing out all that potential they left hanging

oh, jackles directed this one. he shoulda given himself notes that he's... coming across very forced in this little chat in the chair. :S

oh, sam. padalecki's been coming through on the worn down and emotional

DEAN Sam, I know you think you’re gonna try and fix me, but … did it ever occur to you that maybe I don’t want to be fixed? Just let me go live my life. I won’t bother you. What do you care? SAM What do I care? DEAN You think I’m just gonna sit here like Crowley? Getting all weepy while you shoot me up? Well, screw that. I don’t want this! SAM Yeah, I pretty much figured that out

dean's turn with the soulless(ish) desire to stay as such

speaking of forced, this weird romantic-ish tension they're trying to do with hannah and castiel is weird

margiekugel's got a neon sign and everything, fancy

wiki

Margiekugel is a beer from Wisconsin created for the show that is named after Production Designer Jerry Wanek's mom (see Leinenkugel).

okay so i thought the whole deal for the dude's wife/crowley wanting dean to do it was strange, well. okay, sam. but we know scruples go out the window when dean needs saving

cracked me up. lurking in the bushes yelling out a correction. also, jared, i can see your gum, dude -_-

i'm kinda seething along with sam because like yeah dean's trying and probably succeeding at getting under sam's skin but he's also saying stuff that isn't true and you know what a fucking uptight ass i am about things like that :p

DEAN Let me ask you this, Sammy: If this doesn’t work, we both know what you got to do to me, right? You got the stomach for that, Sam?!

or we could shaun of the dead the situation

LOL i was wondering if there was a throne. also, i paused twice because i thought the background hell-wailing in the show was one of my kids upstairs crying for me 🥴 almost a third time but i stopped myself

CROWLEY I was thinking of better days. DEMON Yes—your sabbatical. CROWLEY My what? DEMON Uh, we were worried, of course. Your misadventure with the older Winchester was quite the topic of speculation. Uh, if you’ll forgive my boldness… I could now be your wingman.

i'm just. having a hard time believing crowley was really that starry eyed over demon!dean? he's a permanent flirt but also very practical and not exactly sentimental. oh, is he still doing the human blood thing? i haven't really wrapped that into my little character model in my head for him :p

forced to have a semi-scenic stop and chat

this is so strange. he's not interested, she's making good points but then gets all grabby and close like she's gonna go in for a kiss or something

DEAN You notice I tried to get as far away from you as possible? Away from your whining, your complaining. I chose the King of Hell over you! Maybe I was just … tired of babysitting you. Or always having to yank your lame ass out of the fire since … forever. Or maybe … Maybe it was the fact that my mother would still be alive if it wasn’t for you. That your very existence sucked the life out of my life!

very effective at pushing every sore spot and insecurity. sadly didn't get much feeling out of me other than stress on sam's behalf. i fear they've broken some of my emotional attachment to the show somehow

DEAN You never had a brother! Just an excuse for not manning up. But guess what: I quit. SAM No. No, you don’t. You don’t get to quit. We don’t get to quit in this family! This family is all we have ever had!

only way to quit is to die. but even then it's probably not gonna work

self immolating demon, ok. that seems very specifically not demon like, in the slightest???

CASTIEL Just … I’ve been around humans for long enough to see how easily distractions occur. HANNAH “Distractions.” CASTIEL Emotions, feelings … They’re dangerous temptations.

and they're going to try to help save dean because... nothing to do with emotions or feelings on castiel's part? what. just because you're not interested, don't go blaming it on having ~distracting emotions~

is it time for hannah to die? is she gonna... reup castiel's grace?

sink

how old is that pie??? ew.

it's the mushy familiar music again, but this time... strings? so we've had piano twice (that i noticed), some horn-ish thing and now like.. cello?

i do appreciate that we have more pictures, with bobby and the boys as grownups together too. and it's sweet that they can just use s1 happy behind the scenes type pictures and make it sam and dean

oh, crowley can steal some grace so we don't have to have a moral crisis

mhmm

(mushy music came back briefly during the chat through the door before dean broke it down)

so i did know about the hammer via fic. jackles seemed to be having fun being on his little merry violent hunt. made think (the little i know) of his character in the boys

ok

CASTIEL Well… I see his point. You know, only humans can feel real joy, but … also such profound pain. This is easier.

(mushy music AGAIN [piano variation] at the end of dean and cas's conversation)

DEAN What did Sam say? Does he want a divorce?

very normal joke (??) to make about your brother, especially when you basically had a handfasting ceremony in a church along with the other 10 years of things like that. but we're the josie grossies for shipping it. uh huh

CASTIEL I’m sure Sam knows that whatever you said or what you did, it wasn’t really you. It certainly wasn’t all you. DEAN I tried to kill him, Cas. CASTIEL Dean. You two have been through so much. Look, you’re brothers. It’d take a lot more than trying to kill Sam with a hammer to make him want to walk away. DEAN You realize how screwed up our lives are that that even makes sense?

that "you're brothers" feels tacked on to make it seem less weird

DEAN I’m glad you’re here, man. CASTIEL Hey, maybe you should um … take some time before you get back to work. Allow yourself to heal. It’s, uh … I don’t know. The timing might be right. Heaven and Hell—they seem reasonably back in order. It’s quiet out there.

does that means it's time to trigger another apocalypse? surely need at least 3 running subplots as well. i have no idea actually, i avoid too plot specific stuff of the later seasons in fic these days so i'm not sure what's on deck

they could have milked demon!dean for more in a lot more fun ways (which i surely would have complained about, "don't tempt sam with demon blood 😭") for longer, remain surprised how quick they wrapped it up. they dragged out lying about stabbing jewel staite for HOW MANY EPISODES???? lol

[mrsaguapapi]

Ch 1  Ch 2  Ch 3  Ch 4  Ch 5  Ch 6  Ch 7  Ch 8  Ch 9  Ch 10  Ch 11

Chapter 12

Declarations

The Vibe:

Boy

I'm kinda freaking out. Like, full-blown panic. It's almost time to pick up Namor, I spent the day stress-cleaning the apartment and shopping for snacks and ingredients for dinner; I'm making stir fry with sauteed shrimp on the side (in case he doesn't eat meat 😬). I don't know why I'm so nervous about him being here, I feel like this is kinda a big deal. I haven't been able to eat because of my nerves and Peter talked me down from canceling several times and practically forced fed me meal replacement shakes so I wouldn't fall over.

Thank god for Peter, by the way, he said he'd make himself scarce for the night and patrol the city; Fridays are busy for Spiderman. Honestly, he's been busy almost every night, I high-key think he may be seeing someone; that 'Black Cat' girl maybe? He hasn't said anything to me since telling me about her and I swear the other night he smelled like women's perfume.

I suppose he'll tell me when he's ready

I'm wearing a pair of stone-washed jeans and a navy green crop top layered with a beige extremely cropped long-sleeve turtle neck. I was going to pair it with heels but decided to throw on my white sneakers since we were just staying home. My braids are starting to look a little raggedy so I throw a bandana on to cover my loose roots. Top it off with a pair of gold hoop earrings and I'm done. I look at myself in the mirror satisfied; with my scar, I don't usually like my belly exposed but today I look good.

I put on my sling ring, and do a once over the apartment, everything looks good. Checking my phone and see it was only 7:45 pm so I decided to play on my phone and smoke a joint to help with my nerves. Opening and sitting by the window I see I have 3 more unread texts from Bucky

Fuck I never replied to him

3:22 am

I saw you read my message...

3:36 am

I just want to apologize. I've been terrible to you.

5:02 am

I coming to see you

Is he serious right now??

I begin to text him back,

7:50 pm

Bucky, stop. I have company coming over, and you will embarrass yourself, Just stay home and we can talk about this tomorrow. Have a good night.

Almost 5 minutes later he responds with 2 thumbs up.

"Girl he is something else," I say to myself while turning my phone to silent. Closing the window, I quickly go brush my teeth, then eventually open a portal inside Namors Temple. Leaving the portal open behind me, I step through and see Namor painting something new on his wall. He was wearing signature green shorts and white robes; I don't think he's noticed me here just yet.

"Táan wáaj a ts'o'oksik, in Ajaw? 'Are you ready my king?' I ask him

He turns a bit startled and smiles at me, "Where did you learn to speak my language like that? I've heard you speak it before but now you sound as if it's your native tongue."

"Yaanten in secretos. 'I have my secrets' " I laugh, "Uts ti' a wich? 'Do you like it "

"Ma'atech a cha'ik u sorprender in. 'You never cease to amaze me " he replies

I giggle and look away, "Stop it"

He's got me blushing like a high school girl.

Namor puts his brush down and has a seat at his table, "Come closer Ki'ichpan" he says raising out his hands to me

I walk up to him and place my hands in his, "You look beautiful today" he says smiling up at me

"Thank you" I smile

He then takes his hands placing them on my hips pulling me closer between his legs and places a kiss on my bare stomach and looks up at me, "I've missed you"

"I've missed you too," I say playing with his hair, "Come on" I start to pull him out of his seat, "let's go so I can cook you some dinner."

----------------------

I gave Namor a tour of the place, it's not huge; your basic 2 bedrooms, 1 bath, and a kitchen right off the living room. He was sitting at the kitchen island, watching me prepare our bowl with the stir fry, "I made some shrimp on the side if you'd like some. I wasn't sure if you ate meat."

"Absolutely" he smiles

I finish by adding a handful of shrimp to our bowls and hand him his while I sit across from him, "I hope you like it" I say, watching him try his first bite.

"I Like it," He says with a soft chuckle, "This is good, thank you"

"You're welcome" I reply.

He is giving me the warm fuzzies

We eat our dinner mostly in silence, the food was pretty good, I hadn't eaten all day and he So thoroughly enjoyed the taste. Now we find ourselves on the couch sharing a bowl of ice cream. I've easily convinced him out of his robes and am sitting in his lap, feeding us back and forth.

"I don't think I have had this much fun in a while. You're good company" I laugh

"I can say the same about you Ki'ichpan. Keep feeding me like this and I'd give you anything"

"Anything?" I ask

Oh this should be fun

I scoop the last bit of the ice cream and hold it to his mouth, "Here last bite." Namor opens his mouth and I 'Accidentally' drop the ice cream on his chest, "Oh shoot, let me get that for you" I say dipping down and licking it off his chest, "Better?" I ask

"You're playing a dangerous game Ki'ichpan. I didn't plan on taking you this early in the night." Namor warns

I spread my legs a little further on his lap and lightly grind on his dick teasing him, "What's stopping you hm?"

Namor pulls me into a fiery kiss quite literally taking my breath away. He breaks away only to kiss and bite my neck causing me to moan.

"Keep that up and you won't last the rest of the night."

Before I could reply we were interrupted by a knock at the door, "Ignore It" I say continuing our kiss.

The knocking gets a little louder, "Sounds important. Go, I can wait for you"

I nod my head and get off his lap and head to the door. I look through the peephole and see that it's Bucky.

The Vibe:

Celeste - Strange (Lyrics) | I am still me you are still you

"What the fuck" I say exasperated

"What's got you upset?" Namor says walking to me and taking my hand

"It's Bucky." I say embarrassed, "He's been messaging me since last night. He said he was coming to see me, but I didn't think he'd follow through. I also explicitly said to stay home."

Namor's eyes darken a little, "Let me take care of it."

"No, no. I can take care of it, just please wait here." I crack open the door so bucky can only see me, "Bucky what the hell?"

"I just want to talk, can I come in?" He says beginning to walk forward

Holding my hand out I make contact with his chest and firmly stop him from entering, "No Bucky, I'm serious go home. I don't want you here."

"Fine I'll say what I have to say here then," he says

I feel the door being ripped from my hand, it was Namor, he was now standing over me with one hand on the door and the other holding the frame. "Why don't you leave as she said."

Bucky clenches his jaw looking at Namor and then at me, "Really Millie?"

"Really what James? I don't owe you anything. And both of you knock it off with the alpha male behavior Okay?" I snip, "You want to talk?" I say pointing at Bucky, "Fine, 5 min, and then take the hint and go the hell home." I push him into the hallway and turn around to Namor, "Please stay here, I'll take care of it."

He looks at me, then at Bucky, and back at me, "I don't trust him." He says pretty loudly.

"Hey man, why don't you go back inside and mind your damn business." Bucky scoffs

"Will you just be quiet, please?" I yell to Bucky. Looking at Namor, "You don't have to trust him. Trust ME when I say I'll be fine." He looks at me and nods, walking away and closing the door behind him.

He's very upset

I let out a sigh of frustration and turn to look at Bucky, "Dude what's the matter with you? You're giving me whiplash. You break up with me because what? You think I could do better, but when I start to move on you want me? I don't understand you."

He brushes his hand through his hair, "I still love you."

"Well I'm sorry but it will pass," I say half hysterical

"Do you not love me anymore?" He asks

"What does it matter? Bucky YOU left me." I Yell

"It matters!" He yells back

"WHY?"

Before I knew it he was kissing me; I wanted to stop him and fight back but my body betrayed me. The kiss was desperate and full of desire. I instinctively wrapped my arms around his neck as he held me tight in his arms pushing me back into my door making a loud thud. The noise brought me back down to Earth,

What am I doing?

"Stop" he continues to kiss me, "STOP" I push him off trying to catch my breath.

Finally, he begins to answer my questions, "It matters because if you still love me, then we have a chance. If you don't I will stop and move on" he begins to walk away, "Call me later when you're ready to talk"

Fuck...

I catch my breath and gather my barrings before I open the door and come back inside. Namor was standing there by the door waiting for me. His face and body language were unreadable, I don't know where his head is at. His energy is a bit alarming I can't tell if he wants to yell at me or jump my bones, or both.

Uncomfortable with the vibe, I take a step back putting my hands in my back pockets, "Hey..." I say "Did you hear-" I try to continue

"Everything," he says softly. He was looking me in my eyes like he was reading my mind searching for something. Finally, he speaks up, "Do you love him?"

I feel myself about to cry, twice tonight my body fails. I look down so he can't see my eyes filling with tears, "I don't want to..." I say softly.

Walking towards me, he gently lifts my head, pulling me into his gaze, "It's okay." he softly says pulling me into a hug. I was fully expecting him to yell and be angry with me but he surprised me with his compassion. "Love is a library of confusion. It's complicated, I can understand that."

"I'm sorry," I say embracing him back.

"Nothing to be sorry for. Millaenyia," He calls to me. I look up, " In case I haven't made it abundantly clear already, my heart burns for you. I want you to be mine, and I to be yours. You may not love me now, that's fine because I can wait until you do; whatever our souls are made of, yours and mine are the same" he kisses me. Unlike my kiss with bucky, this one was calming and gentle, he let me lead. Just before I can lose myself in this kiss he pulls away, "I can smell him on you."

"I'm sorry... I don't know what to say"

What can I say in this scenario? How can you remedy an impossible situation like this? He thinks our souls are one of the same. I can't deny at this point that I still love Bucky, but with that being said I'm developing feelings for Namor. Fast and Hard. What do I do? Everything is complicated right now.

"Millaenyia?"

"Hmm?" I say focusing back in on Namor

"Where did you go just now?"

"In my head"

"What are you thinking about?"

"That I am confused." I half chuckle and half cry, "I don't know I guess I'm overwhelmed." I place my hand on his face, "I appreciate your words, you've been extremely accommodating of my feelings. I just need a little time to think and gather my thoughts before I respond to your beautiful words. I don't like jumping into things half cocked and if I'm going to be with you, I want to BE with you. Does that make sense?"

"I understand, take your time" he nods, "In the meantime, while I'm here with you, can we forget about everything and just enjoy each other's company?" He smiles

The Vibe:

Doja Cat - Freak (Audio)

Smiling back at him, "What did you have in mind?"

"I was hoping I could get that smell off of you and replace it with something more," he looks me up and down, undressing me with his eyes, "pleasant"

"I could go for something pleasant" I smile grabbing the top of his shorts and pulling him closer to me, "Ba'axten ma' ka pitik a ka pitik hmm? 'Why don't you take these off hmm?' "

"Teeche' yáax 'you first' " he challenges me

I have been waiting for this moment hehe

Tonight I decided to spice it up a bit and wear a white crochet lace garter lingerie set. I take my time peeling off my top layers one by one, slowly revealing my snug bralette. Namor couldn't help himself and reached his hand out to touch me but before he could, I smacked him, "Le taj muk'óolal jach amarga, ba'ale' u yich ch'ujuk 'Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet" I wink at him and begin to unzip my pants and drop them. Stepping out of them I stand dangerously close to him and whisper in his ear, "U a Cha' paax in ajawo 'You're permitted to touch my king' "

He abruptly picks me up which startles me, causing us both to laugh; he leads me to my bedroom closing the door behind him. Namor puts me down on the bed and steps back to take his shorts off exposing his erection. Unable to help myself I slide off the bed falling to my knees in front of him. Being face-to-face with his dick is quite a daunting experience, he's the biggest I've been with so I'm a little intimidated. When I look up though, I see Namor watching me, waiting in anticipation; just the thought of him at my mercy immediately washed away any anxiety that I had.

With a sudden rush of confidence, I take his cock in my hand and begin to slowly stroke him and eventually take him in my mouth. I started slow, taking him further and further with each bop of my head sneaking occasional looks up at him, watching his reactions.

I can tell he's holding back like he needs more, so I snaked my hand up his leg, lingering a bit on his ass, and eventually grabbing his hand and placing it on the back of my head, silently permitting him to let loose. He takes the hint and begins to take control, slowly face fucking me, going deep and deeper with each thrust.

"Fuck you're so beautiful like this," he says now grabbing my head with both hands fully losing control, grunting and moaning with every other thrust. Namor was hitting the back of my throat now causing me to gag a bit, and making me tear up. I'd never fucked like this before, it was intense, and the heartbeat in my pussy grew more feverish as Namor came closer to his climax. I look up at him making eye contact as I take my free hand and begin to touch myself, wanting to feel just as good as he does.

Watching me do this lewd act was all he needed to reach his climax; he began to pull out not sure if he should finish in my mouth but I held him in place. Namor gratefully takes the opportunity and begins to grunt through his teeth and say words that I couldn't understand, losing himself entirely as I take every last drop of him down my throat.

After collecting his breath he slowly pulls out of my mouth and wipes away some of his cum from my lips, "You mystify me," He says helping me up and kissing me.

Slowly he starts to walk me back to the bed and gently lays me down kissing me as he works his way down to my panties.

"My turn to take care of you Ki'ichpan." He says as he hooks my panties; pulling them down.

[thegeminisage]

plan of sitting atop zelda to farm her for parts ruined by 1. i have adhd and to get all my parts would be up to 90 minutes of doing absolutely nothing 2. star fell, had to get it

got lucky! she was really close to the great sky islands so i've gotten back to her by flinging myself off those

oh boy she's taking us through this storm lol

just doing this for an hour seems excruciating. she's been doing it for 10,000 YEARS. i'm gonna kermit

AAAAAUGH another fallen star................this is HORRIBLE i already gave up a naydra opportunity to sit up here! if i go get this one i definitely won't get lucky enough to get back on her back, she's head towards the sparse and UNEXPLORED skies over the gerudo desert so i'd have no way to fast travel back to her...i wish i could leave a medallion on her head

i got another spike so it'll be at least another 10m anyway...might as well go

goodbye babygirl 😢

i got it! AND without the bike lol

i've left epona out forever but right near a stable. felt bad so i let her run on the road to a different stable where i finally boarded her, except first she disappeared for a second?? which was a terrifying little glitch lol

forced my bike into this big cave with me which was good because i got to skip what would have been a very difficult climb in cave-rain

unfortunately even though i was a cheapskate about it i can't get it out of here :( rip. i hate having to spend fans...

a chest ALSO vanished on me :/ weird 1.0 glitches........

i only have one korok seed left in this little area but its next to a lynel :///

might as well try to fight it while i'm here i suppose.........

i actually got him?! man NICE......

even tho lurelin was my fav place from botw (and totk, bc i simply Love The Beach) i feel kinda bad coming here now like let me PAY you for stuff!!! i have moneyyy

but those koroks arent gonna fly themselves.........

awww the skyview tower rito is here. now that i've got them all he gets to get a wife and settle down here lol

ah! the proper heart shaped lake had SO many fairies but i dropped my bike before they loaded and then they loaded as it dropped which ofc scared all of them away :(

ugh my bike despawned AGAIN...............life is so hard all the time

ugh!!!!!!! i thought about going to get that shrine in eventide i missed since i'm sort of in the area but like. i'd have to kill ALL those pirate monsters again. this is why i turn shrines on sometimes. i want them to be a surprise but also missing one like that fucking SUCKS

naydra sighted again, but i feel like i see her a lot around here so i'm passing her up for now. i got shit to do which requires my bike. also the little list i used to know how much stuff i need was on r*ddit and it's shut down now lol so like

ok nvm i got my last seed on this route and she's literally right above me. i'd have to ditch the bike anyways

god i love riding dragons. can't wait until i can do this with farosh

i think she's about to go into the depths...maybe i'll see if i can stay on and go with her lol

oh maybe not...she's going sharply upward suddenly

girl where are we GOING???

oh no i think this may be it, she's descending again and there's a chasm ahead...

OHHH there's zelda in the distance :( i can't go to her now!!! i might literally not be able to lol, she's not near anything. but i really wanna see if naydra will go into a chasm while i'm on her back...

i climbed a spike to be sure i wouldn't fall off lol

OHHH THIS IS LITERALLY IT SHES GOING DOWN

and the kakariko chasm too! i haven't dove in here yet...

just realized she's going to be an eternity getting to the bottom. it takes ME forever falling at maximum velocity

still cool af tho

oh, i haven't been down this chasm but i have explored and lit up the world beneath it lol. let's see which direction she goes ig

I SEE A LIGHTROOT FROM HERE........i'm not ready to leave her yet tho. if i'm really lucky she'll take me right to it

there's an area, which tbh i'm just as happy to pass over for now...and a yiga hideout!! and we are literally going in the right direction. so cool.

ok bestie this is my stop! ugh i just realized i took video in the chasm but now when we went through it...whatever

i'm glad zelda doesn't come down here. poor girl.

i used the springs here and there were so many i sprung myself up to the ceiling lol

i see a flux construct and a lightroot. i could go down and fight it but that would make getting the lightroot much harder unless i spent fans on a bike.......

fuck it ig

easy peasy! i havent fought one of these guys in awhile and i'm pleased to see how much easier it's become

oh duh. i can just fast travel back to the lightroot i just got. i don't have to climb lol

oh COOL i'm just in time to see naydra exit the chasm!

this is such a fun little lightroot trail. every time i get to one another pops up. i actually see TWO from here. they're so addictive...

omg you can fuse stuff to the master sword 😭 i was out of weapons to fuse this flux heart thingy to and i tried and it worked but it is SO UGLY :( im so sorry fi

i am near the spring of wisdom i think!! im gonna ignore this lightroot (HARD.......) and see if there's a poe statue guy there

...i think i flew right into it. i cheated by checking my interactive map lol

oh no just kidding i was climbing to the ceiling! i flew OVER it. anyway i got there

DARK!!!

HOOD!!!

GIRL YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM DARK LINK AT LAST

dark link my beloved.......................................

onto this last lightroot and then i'm outta here. too bad i didn't collect any zonaite...

oh good god. im on top of a mountain which means valley down here. UGH i have to climb

no way. bike time. this is what it's for.

lol and meanwhile i pass a monster camp with zonaite and can't be assed to get off the bike. and i've just seen ANOTHER lightroot. we are in hell

ok yeah i've had enough. i don't see anymore lightroots, i'm getting out of here. even though i REALLY need zonaite.

GOD i love dark link armor...night speed UP babey. i only wish u could upgrade it (monkeys paw activates and i have to fight hands to do so)

i basically only have 3 areas left on the right side of the map - lanayru which i do not wanna do bc i hate the snowy mountain and the waterway makes me nervous, and the zora area, and death mountain. and i guess the tingle islands so that's technically 4

gonna start w the zora area tomorrow unless a different mood strikes me - there's a shit ton of caves and seeds i missed all clustered together that will be easy to knock out

for now tho bed. sorry for anyone scrolling past this i did the whole day in one post lol

[harleiquina]

I think this resonates a lot mostly with those of us that want/are trying to become artists in any field but society tells us "you need a serious job".

I'm 32 and... hold yourself... I'm making about US$800/per month. For living in Argentina is more than enough, but still feels very little considering all the things I can do and I'm giving up to do my 5 or 6 hours of daily work.

I love writing since I'm 13. I kinda wrote an awfully written book at my 18s. I have over 20 projects going on in my head and anything can spark a new one in any time. But I haven't written any new words in my novel for almost two years now. I did scribbled new ideas here and there by hand on a notepad I keep next to me on my desk while I work... but, by the life of me I can't sit down on my computer for more time that the one that I need. All I do is sitting down in the computer and it is taking a physical toll (yes, lots of weight gain and I'm pretty sure about a low level of depression as well).

All I do is sleeping, eating and working. I don't even have the weekends for myself because on Saturdays I do volunteer work in the Russian Community Club where I learn that language and Sundays are the days where I visit my aunt (she completely isolated herself from the rest of the family and is getting deep down on the wrong side of a religious craze... but that is a different can of worms).

I am the sole breadwinner at home because I live with mom and my other aunt, both above their 50s and in here it is impossible to get hired at that age. Damn it was impossible for me to get hired at my 20s!

I started off working as an Over the Phone Interpreter for 8 hours a day... then switched companies and I was forced to do less hours (6) due to the lack of call volume, both companies paid me US$4/hr so I would make about US$460 to $600 per month -depending on me doing OT or not-. Now I switched again to a company that pays me US$7.50 and in this month I should get about $800 for all the hours I put (they have a system where I get to claim hours from a website where all interpreters claim them at the same time, so I get what I can, usually 5hrs per day).

Mom does say "do as much as you can, anything counts" bacause she got used to work about 10 to 16 hours a day at Walmart and when I complain about my job both her and my aunt are like "but you don't have to commute, you only work a few hours" and such... they can't see that it is killing me but I grind my teeth because we all rely on it. Long before I got this job, about 2 years after my graduation mom told me "you need to find a job, I don't want you to get lazy. Both you and your aunt studied stuff that, yes, its nice but worthless" (my aunt studies Anthropology)... not only I was heartbroken for hearing her say that but... I studied freaking Advertising! I would've studied Cinema... by far I liked it more but thought that Advertising was going to get me a job quicker! And I would've gotten a job quicker if I wasn't taught to respect myself and not to become a boot-licker!

I am tired... yes, even with 6hrs a day of work. Being a glorified bilingual parrot is hard... staring at the screen and take notes about everything is terrible... to lock myself in a room, away from any noise and any human interaction is soul-crushing.

I'd love to write "properly" again, to be able to read a book (last one I've read was back in 2016 when my gandfather was at the hospital), to paint or decorate anything in a day as I used to instead of dragging a project off until "I have time to finish it".

But all of it is "doing nothing" because it doesn't give me money... and the worst of all is that I know that I could do something to make money out of it but I need time to do it and I don't have it and if I do... I'm just too tired.

actually for fusies, let’s make it a poll

original post for context:

[sailorgizmo]

"Every moment in your life is a turning and every one a choosing. Somewhere you made a choice. All followed to this. The accounting is scrupulous. The shape is drawn. No line can be erased."

I've spent my life forgetting and forcing myself to feel less.

I often wonder now how I would have been if I hadn't of fucked us up. How much I just let myself exist if not actively trying to ~not~ exist.

I'm surprised I passed senior year in high school or lived, really. My future was not a thought at all. I wanted to crawl into a hole and fall asleep forever. [That's kinda why I'm letting these thoughts, feelings, urges flow through me because this was an ever-present thought since you left and years after].

I was barely alive if you could call it that during the beginning of the end. I stopped drawing, reading, eating, sleeping..more and more and more. I wanted to fade into the ether and cease feeling. Become a ghost.

Constantine. Seven. Sailor Moon. Kill Bill. League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. Cruel Intentions. [Why I still say I like a 1960s Jaguar Roadster]

[Yet here I am prodding and prodding myself in all the soft, hurtful spots. Over and over and over, because trully I reveal in the pain and sorrow and excitment. All of it. All different flavors. I think you're the only one who has understood even a bit of that. Not like I let many people close. Loser]

There are no such things as coincidences.

I have to keep repeating this to myself now to help "deal" with these..truths? And yet again, it's your words. Something you talked about a lot.

How many things I haven't done, because I can't stomach not doing them with you. All these truths I'm allowing myself to see now.

I'm crying now because deepdeep deep down in the secret pits of me, I know I stopped living after losing you, and I never got back up.

I scrambled and went to college because my parents pushed; I guess thinking I'd get better living away from home. I started in chemistry...are you surprised? Still still.

[All these realizations have put me in a tail spin. I did not think these things then. I had to keep you away from my thoughts, or I'd stop moving and let the earth eat me whole.]

I couldn't do it without you. I was still too in my despair. That was just me at this point. I met people and tried to do the thing. I made connections, but nothing stuck. I wouldn't let myself get close again like that.

I'd find myself looking at her page posting photos of you and her far away from here. Then the spiral. This only happened a handful of times before I forced myself to stop. College allowed me to hurt myself more than I could previously. No one watching or caring. I was just a ghost.

I looked around, seeing all the other people being able to just...~do the thing~ and I never could. Letting myself examine this in a more open sense, I know now it's because I didn't want to live in any way, yet I guess I couldn't just sit and let the earth take me. I let myself die back in high school. Oh, the human capacity for hope. Foolish, foolish hope.

"I'd prefer not to."

I threw myself into others and tried to make myself just..live? I stopped even seeing your face. I don't remember your voice. *sobs*

I am not sad she told herself for that is the worst thing for others to know you are sad.

Until she contacted me in the aftermath. Telling me that you'd come back home. Back to our state. You guys were over and *only* a handful of the horrid things you put her through.

I commiserated.

I could recall more back then. I'm not saying I'm looking on the past with rose colored frames. Just..some of my more prominent memories aren't the bad ones. The ending yes..but before? Eh. I know there was, but I can't remember much.

*time and active forgetting*

I can't remember your voice. i cant remember your voice..

You used to tell me stories all the time because I asked, pleaded, begged. Just talk to me. Just talk to me.

Would you could you do me a kindness? Oh, the things you didn't realize you'd miss a lifetime ago. Or am I just an overfeeling nostalgic fool?

I read a book a few months ago, and it makes me think of you. ~gone to see the river man~

"It puts the lotion on the skin, or else it gets the hose again."

Maroon/Blue

[httpiastri]

Hiii Love!

Gosh, I haven't been here in a while! I hope your doing good!

I actually managed to watch the race last Sunday, which is the first race I have watched since the summer break. That's so crazy 🙈 but I am just trying to get the most of the nice weather before it just starts to rain all the time here.

I am so so happy about choosing to do the year abroad, and even though sometimes there are harder days (like when my au pair kids do the opposite of what I tell them to do) and it gets frustrating, I love this work and the country and the kids of course! One of them was all cuddly today and didn't wanna stop hugging me 🥰

But the race was so good! Even though I am very... unsure what to think about Carlos as a person, I love love love Carlando and the teamwork at the end of the race was everything!! Gosh, I was so nervous!

I was planning on watching the race on Sunday as well, because it's early in the morning before I could go out, but now it turns out I am going out the night before and won't be home till 3 am 🙈 I really don't think I'm gonna be able to keep my eyes open to watch or even get up. How did I do this back home??

I don't know if I missed anything because I haven't read all of the asks, but did you come to a decision about your University? Just if you wanna talk about it :)

Also, I read that you were struggling a bit about a writer's block and I just wanna say that just starting is the most important thing, even if it might be absolute bullshit! You can always improve it later! Hope it resolves itself soon and you have more time to write as well!!

-✨

hello love! i’ve missed you!! i’ve been doing good, how about you? <33

aw im glad you got to watch the race, it was a good one!! not just the boring old “max verstappen wins by 64 seconds” race 🤭 i’ve been kinda unsure about my feelings about carlos recently too but i can’t say no to carlando, such an iconic and lovely pairing 🥰 just wish it had been swapped around so lando had the win!

but yes you’re right for enjoying the weather and spending time with the kids! i’m really glad you feel like going away to be an au pair is the right thing 🥺 since i work with kids too (they’re probably a bit older than yours, though?…) i really get you, it can be annoying at times but it’s also so much fun. and a cuddly child 🥺😭 that’s so sweet awwww i’m so happy for you about this whole thing 🫶

oh god if you’re up that late then it indeed would be hard to stay awake 😩 good thing you can always watch it later! and i hope you have a great night out 😁😁 idk how i’m gonna survive it either, i really wanna catch up on some sleep this weekend… why couldn’t this weekend be a later race 😔😔

about uni, i ended up not going and instead i’m taking a course in journalism at another university! it’s only once a week though, so i’ve been working these last few weeks. first time i’ve ever worked an actual 9-5 job for more than like two days 😵 i’ve done so many other types of work but this is new territory. it’s quite alright so far! the only problem being that i never fall asleep until 1am at the earliest, so i never get a lot of sleep :/ well well!

you’re very right, always when i get a block i just sit down and force myself to write either way. i have barely had any time at all to write these last few weeks tho so i haven’t gotten around to doing it. i did manage to sit down last night though and had a good writing moment! but it was at 2am so my work today is going to suffer from it 🥲 thank you love!

i hope you have a great weekend sweetheart 🥰🥰