#I kinda forced myself to sit down and do it because i haven't got time nor energy for anything self indulgent lately.

[a-s-levynn]

Sooo i did a thing, let me share it with you all

The casing of my crystal necklace broke a while back and i was planning to replace it some way shape or form but i had no concept until i saw the pic below. And so i was like, i can do that. Or something close to it. So i did it.

Original pic of Vessel (altho i cropped it here) by @jacobshepherd_ on IG

I feel it turned out pretty well considering i wasn't planning on a 1 to 1 recreation. Got quite close anyway. And i'm sorta happy about it. It's been a while since i made anything arts and craftsy but i'm so glad i finally was able to create anything at all.

[bellysoupset]

irl story under the cut -

my guy is an absolute BABY. He's very sarcastic and cynical most of the time, but the minute something as minor as the sniffles hit him he'll be complaining and whining, wanting cuddles, etc. Thing is, we're not from the same town so that's pretty difficult already, but also we work very different schedules AND he never ever takes breaks. So you know, I never get to experience the good stuff even though he's a germ magnet.

Just so happens this week he's got the stomach flu (again?? in like 3 months??) and still he was insisting he was fine, could work through it. Yesterday he texts me like "I haven't eaten all day because I was feeling queasy, but I forced myself to and now I think I'm gonna puke" and little updates because he still had one hour of commune before getting home. All "yeah, don't think I'm gonna make it."

Eventually he got home, we texted just a bit, I could tell he was dead, he told me he'd go to bed. His normal time to get up for work is 4 AM, yep you read that right, so I woke up at 6 AM and I was a little weirded out he wasnt answering me so quickly, but alright. Then he texted me at 9 AM "I actually stayed home today"

That really shocked me, he's the type to drag himself, but he explained "yeah, I was going to, but then I threw up on my doorstep when I was going out and spent the next 20 mins dry heaving, so I had to call in sick." Again my brain went blue screen at this, I'm just mumbling at this point and then he said "can you come over? I'm on break tomorrow"

Normally I work from home, so you know what, sure I can come over. My work day was slow anyway, so I drove to his place and he looked like a damn corpse, just throwing himself on top of me and whining and I'm like playfully rolling my eyes at him. He was definitely running a temp, but a low one. We cuddled a bit, watched some movies, I told him he had to eat something and so did I. He was actually very open to food, since he hadn't eaten anything since morning and we shared some leftovers, which wasn't anything heavy.

So we cuddled up in bed again and he pressed his mouth to my shoulder while we watched this very funny cutesy movie (L1sa Frank3nstein), which is super baby for our average taste, but it has multiple gross scenes and halfway through he kinda sits up and goes "can we pause? I don't feel good."

I paused, put the laptop aside and kinda patted my lap so he could lie down, which he normally loves, but he shook his head, paling considerably, "no, really, I don't feel good..." followed by a small gag. I cringed, pushing his hair back, "do you want me to get a bucket?" "no, I'm a grown man, I can puke in the bathroom."

I thought it was funny he said this, considering he was shaking from the nausea, but still not making a move to go to the bathroom. I didn't answer him, just scoffed and continued to rub his back, keeping quiet. I could literally hear his tummy gurgling and him gulping down burps.

He's stubborn as hell, so he didn't puke despite it coming very close, then collapsed down on my lap and asked for hair pets again. Which I did, so now he's snoring and I'm typing this on my phone. I'll type more if there are updates.

(this man is gonna give me a stroke)

[ncillary]

Self Aware AU (Xavier)

Summary: You have the lowest Affinity with Xavier. The reason is because you feel bad for the Queen MC and vow to play only the main story for his path so that you can find a way to return him to Queen MC safe, sound and happy end.

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Masterlist Self Aware AU

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| 1 | 2 [current] | 3 | 4 | 5 |

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"The Hunter Contest is nice. But trying to complete it is another story."

"You know. You have that lover boy. Why can't you just use him? He has a lot of green gem, right?"

"Protocore."

"Same difference. Just... Use HIM. You need the red diamonds, right? For that new... story... liking all of them, by the way."

She huffed, "Why don't you just play it? Are you going to sit next to me when I roll the gacha again?"

Your friend grinned, "Of course. I'm your lucky charm. Besides, I'll need a good phone to download it, right? Let me collect my funds first then we can shout out and grimace to our hearts content."

You chuckled.

-------&&&&&-------&&&&&-------&&&&&-------

"I know you hate being Lumiere but I kinda need to pass this level, 'kay."

He blinked. Confused to hear your voice right now.

Girl. I don't care. Just use me all you want. Our Affinity is almost there. I can feel it.

-------&&&&&-------&&&&&-------&&&&&-------

"Look. Look! I got the birthday card!"

"How many times you wanted to show it to me? It's not that lover boy, though."

"Heyyyy... I'll get his too. Birthdays are much more important than other limited 5* so far. Wish I could get the fishie's one. Shouldn't have been so stuck up on exchanging the diamonds for the Blue Ticket at that time."

"No worries. Nothing special."

"It is though. Maybe there's not much happening compared to Snowy here."

"If Snowy got a birthday kiss, your lover boy will definitely get one too." You friend wiggled her eyebrows.

"Shush."

"Still going to get it?"

"Yes."

"Woah. Didn't you say-"

"Birthdays are special. I'll compromise. He still belongs to Queen MC."

Your friend sighed.

"You have the red umbrella one though."

*SMACK*

"Ouch!"

"Travel companion. Nothing more, nothing less."

She smirked, "Sure~"

You pouted.

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"Haven't been able to force myself out lately. Do others have a higher Affinity with her now?"

He looked solemnly all around the cafe. It looks like she changed the cafe to the beach one. He liked the breeze here.

*Ding*

Head whipped quickly. The entire body automatically returned him to the designated spot.

"Oh, Xavier. It's been... a week? Yeah, a weak... Nice to see you."

As do I - a big inner smile

"Lumiere is a lot of help. Ah, sorry. I just completed your Light Seeker cards. The story is beautiful. Finally I could experience it in-game. I could only see it from fan sharing before."

She quitened.

"I really hope you could be with her in Ulruru soon."

She tapped the Stamina for the evening and logged out.

He could only stare. The mouth. Her mouth. Your mouth. He saw it.

He blushed, "It's cute."

Clearing throat, "Did she change her phone or something? Her front camera is on perfectly fine this time."

-------&&&&&-------&&&&&-------&&&&&-------

You were restless. Findling with your phone. Your friend pinched you.

"Aww!"

"It was just his birthday. AND... You already KNOW about it from the official news. Just LOG IN already."

"Jeez... Calm down. How about YOU log in first so that I'll know what to expect."

She stared, "Good idea. I'm sick of your nerves."

Your friend logged in. The Event icon has a NEW indicator on the corner. She tapped at it and the event started. You were awed by it. Mentally prepared on the event when you logged in after this.

"Happy?"

You grinned, "Totally."

"Diamonds?"

"Enough to get R1 but of course if and only if others didn't bother my 50/50. And of course if I already get it in the first 50/50 I'll stop."

"Saving for future?"

"Saving for future."

They laughed simply.

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"Finally my plan is fruitful. For two days... It's going to be just you and me." She spoke to her phone.

"And chores...hahahahahaha..."

"Xavier's birthday is tomorrow. I'll log in at night. Judging from past birthday events, the video call happened after the birthday celebration. I'm going for his card tonight and watch it afterwards. Wait until tomorrow's night to answer the phone call to feel more canon. Yup. Good plan." She grinned confidently.

"Let there be... songs~" She proceeded to play songs on her phone before continuing with her chores in a high mood.

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~Hmmhahmm~

He blinked, "She sounded happy today. Probably hyped up by the birthday event."

"You've been appearing frequently. Maybe because of your birthday event. We'll meet tonight, 'kay."

Her chuckle got cut off.

He smiled, "We'll definitely meet tonight."

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Plates full of food. Phone charged, currently has been set up well in front of you. Eating dinner while pulling the gacha and having a good time out of the birthday story will be a nice night for you after a long day of chores.

"What does the moon look light tonight?"

"Sloppy. Hungry. The moon outside is chilling well with the clouds though."

You joked around. A small unusual upturned of the lips when unnoticed.

"Let's get your birthday card, yeah."

*Bling*

You gasp. It was his birthday card. Your 50/50 were not wasted. You jumped out of happiness. Coughing afterwards to the food you chewed being jostled uncomfortably in your mouth. Forgetting that you were still eating.

After settling down, you immediately watch the memories. Tissues prepared for the big confession.

The dance was almost over. He stared at you. You briefly noticed his eyes looked different. Or maybe your imagination from the sobbing you're having right now.

"Here it comes... Here it comes... The confession."

"I... ... ..."

Your cupped your mouth to hear it better.

"I'm real."

Blank. Your mind took a screenshot of what you just heard.

He lifted MC and whispered the next dialogue.

"I see you. Please don't be scared. I'm real."

The scene didn't stop as MC seems to whisper something in his ear. He smiled but his eyes glanced straight at you. The real you. Not MC.

The scene faded as they kissed in front of the water fountain.

The memory ended.

Your hands trembling.

Slowly taping your way to the front screen. His birthday's attire glistening in the golden light. Face conjured up to one you've never seen before. Stuck that long on his face.

"Breathe."

You cough. Immediately standing. Just realizing you're holding your breath.

"Hey. Hey. I apologize. Go. Go drink some water or just... lay down or... anything to get you to calm down."

Watery eyes blearly saw his gestures were free will now. A bit closer to the screen. Not on his designated spot.

You sucked a deep breath, "I need to sit."

You crumbled onto the floor with your back flattening on the nearby cabinet.

Silent.

A few moments pass.

"Umm... Hello..."

Silent.

" -sigh- she passed out."

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| 1 | 2 [current] | 3 | 4 | 5 |

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Masterlist Self Aware AU

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[httpiastri]

PERFECTLY FINE – CHAPTER THREE (MELBOURNE & IMOLA)

genre: angst, fluff, comfort, etc.

word count: 6.6k

warnings: more heartbreak but that's probs it

author's note: hello again !!! i've been meaning to post this for several days now but never found the strength to proofread it all. decided to fit melbourne and imola both into one chapter because they were kinda short on their own, and they are about a lot of similar stuff so i think it made sense. hope you enjoy, thank you for all love on this <33 monaco chapter is like maybe halfway done so it shouldn't take too long !! (& i like that one more hehe)

series masterlist

MELBOURNE

"ollie, put on your sunglasses," dino tells his friend, doing the same with his own reflective sunglasses before flipping his cap around. "let's look tough and cool."

you roll your eyes, shaking your head at the boys in front of you. ollie does as he's told, both of them crossing their arms over their chests as they lean their shoulders against each others. "is that really the pose you're going for?" you ask, and you're instantly met with a string of protests from the impatient swedish man, making you raise your hands in defense. "as you wish..."

you lean back slightly to fit the whole wall behind them into the frame, all works of graffiti apparently important to include, according to your friend. you're glad that you were quick to press the button to take the picture since, of course, they can't keep the pose for more than a few seconds before breaking into a fit of laughter.

you may be complaining a lot about having been dragged around melbourne the entire day, taking photos of your friends, and being forced to socialize. but really, you're thankful for this opportunity to take your mind off everything that's been going on. during your entire break since jeddah, you've been mourning your feature race and dwelling on everything about paul. it's easy to get stuck in your head, to only remember the bad things. and in those times, you're glad to have people around you to pull you out of the darkness.

melbourne will be different. that's what you've been telling yourself ever since you got out of the car in jeddah. you got your first f3 win here last season, and despite how it's still a fairly new track to you, you have a lot of confidence driving around it. you have faith in your car, and you know you have the skills to perform well. you just need to actually score some points again to keep up in the championship.

"can you two losers stop laughing already?" you huff, slipping your phone into your pocket. "i'm starving, and i refuse to have dinner in the f2 hospitality before the race weekend has even started."

"blah blah blah, you're just picky," dino says as he strolls up to you, one of his hands coming up to mess up your hair. you shoot him a glare. "whatever, let's get going. i'm really hungry myself, actually."

you rake a hand through your hair to fix the chaos he caused, before hurrying to keep up with the long-legged boys who've already started walking away. as you squeeze in between them, ollie reaches for your hand, fingers slipping between yours. you let out a content sigh; not only because you're finally getting some food, nor because of the way ollie squeezes your hand.

like this, it's like you don't seem to have a single care about anything in the world. like you've just flown across the world to hang out with your best friend and your boyfriend, to just have fun and relax in the sun.

dino and ollie pick up on the change in your mood, too; it's hard not to. though you haven't spent any time with them during the break, with the trio split up between england and italy, your slump has been so palpable that they could tell even from so far away. so seeing you this lighthearted and happy makes them satisfied, too.

the calm before the storm, as they say.

"and you said i was the picky one?" you ask as dino sits down at your table in the hospitality, nothing but some plain pasta and some kind of meat pie on his plate.

"you're not much better now, are you?" he asks back, glancing down at your empty plate and then up at your face again. the little baguette you've already eaten was not nearly enough to fuel you for the upcoming qualifying session.

you sigh. "i miss the fish and chips we had yesterday..."

"that was definitely not a part of our diet plan."

a scoff passes your lips and you shake your head. "maybe it wasn't the best possible food for my performance," you start, looking over your shoulder at the long buffet table. "but at least it was edible. my muscles may not have grown, but my heart sure did. isn't that important, too?"

dino chuckles as he chews down some pasta, shrugging his shoulders. "speaking of your heart," he says before taking a long sip from his water bottle. "i was surprised to see how lovey-dovey you and ollie were yesterday."

you raise an eyebrow at him. "aren't we always like that?"

"yeah you are, that's the thing."

you pause for a long moment. "and what's that supposed to mean?"

a sliver of regret makes its way onto his face, so slight you almost don't pick up on it. "well..." he tries his best to play it cool, even pulling his phone out of his pocket to check his notifications, but you see right through him. "i may have heard something, but it doesn't mat-"

you can't stop yourself from cutting him off. "tell me. now."

now it's dino's time to let out a sigh, pulling a hand through his hair. "i heard that you and ollie were having problems. but clearly, that's not the case."

"and who told you that?"

"well, here's the thing, i-" dino's voice cracks just like it always does when he's nervous or when he's lying. he takes a second to clear his throat, and you intervene.

"it was paul, wasn't it?" you ask, and he doesn't answer. the fact that he doesn't immediately deny it, along with his blank expression, gives it away. "that idiot! oh my god..." dino is just about to speak up again, to explain himself or make up an excuse, but you give him no space. "why are you listening to him and not me? why would you not ask me if it's true before assuming something? is he really more reliable when it comes to my relationship?"

"y/n, you know i'm stuck between you three. you're all my best friends, and..." he drags a hand down his face, shaking his head. "how should i know who to trust and who to talk to? i can't even mention him around you."

when his words kick in, your expression softens from the infuriated frown you were earlier displaying. you understand what he means; it must be hard for him to be in the middle of this ongoing cold war. "i get it, i get it," you finally say with a dismissive hand gesture. "just... tell me the details. tell me exactly what he said."

to be fair, the things paul had said to dino weren't as bad as you had expected. it had just been a tiny comment, something along the lines of how paul wasn't sure if you and ollie were still as comfortable around each other since you weren't spotted with him in the paddock in bahrain.

a full-on lie, but not the worst thing to ever happen.

though, what dino then tells you about, is the fact that paul wasn't the only one he heard about it from. kimi had confided in him, too; just like gabriel and dennis.

kimi's story had been pretty much the same as what paul told dino, but dennis said that he had heard that you and ollie had broken up already. and according to gabriel, paul has been telling people that you and ollie are only dating for publicity.

what a joke.

the weight of the rumors sits heavy on your shoulders, but you refuse to let them break you. and despite how much you loathe the thought of even looking at him, your body is bubbling with the need to confront him. this can't go on.

how are you supposed to not think about paul and ollie all day, every day after that?

when you know your ex-boyfriend has been spreading fake rumors about you, how are you supposed to look at his stupid smile when he's walking through the paddock and not punch him in the face?

you manage to restrain yourself, with some help from pepe subtly grabbing your arm to hold you back whenever he notices that paul is near. the negative thing is that it means you don't get an outlet for your emotions.

you have yet to find any positives to it.

you were always told to not mix your driving with romance. now, you understand why. you're so distracted that pretty much everything gets messed up your entire weekend. you aren't able to prepare well for your sessions, so you end up with a weak 15:th position in the qualifying, along with one dnf in the sprint, in what's probably one of the fastest cars on the grid this weekend.

not even the feature works out for you. after a lucky start with five positions gained, you were finally fighting for points again. though, stalling in the pit is apparently not the most optimal thing to do when looking to climb the ranks, which was something you learned the hard way.

the worst of it all is the fact that of course paul ended up with yet another podium. where's the karma in that?

just when you've gotten out of your car and made your way back to the paddock, you spot him. he's on his way to the podium from the cooldown room, climbing a staircase and loudly chatting with zane maloney about the race.

this time, you can't hold back. he ruined your race; he deserves your anger.

"you're a complete idiot, you know that, right?"

your voice startles zane, who looks at you with a guilty expression for a moment until he takes in paul's reaction, realizing that he's not the one you're mat at. "yeah?" the estonian chuckles.

"yeah, you are!" the volume and intensity of your voice rise by the second as you make your way to the foot of the staircase. "where did you find the audacity to run around spreading false rumors about me and my boyfriend?!"

zane slowly steps away, not wanting to get caught in this crossfire, and ascends the steps towards the podium. paul's amused expression doesn't change at all. "what false rumors?"

you gawk at him, completely dumbfounded by his entire way of acting. "that we're having issues."

"well, you are."

"we are not!"

"come on," he starts shaking his head as you take a quick couple of steps up the staircase. "it's easy to see that you're not happy with him."

it doesn't take long for you to reach the landing he's standing on, and for the first time ever, you find yourself hating how tall he is. the way he looks down at you only furthers your aggravation – it's like you're smaller, like you matter less, like you aren't as strong. "and how would you know that i'm not happy?"

he sighs, as if he's completely uninterested in this entire conversation. like your anger doesn't affect him the slightest. "because i know you." he shrugs. "you don't smile like you used to. ollie isn't right for you."

"oh, but you were?!" you scoff, not believing your ears. "you're so conceited, holy shit! you just ruined my weekend, you ruined both of my races, just- leave me and ollie alone!"

when you turn around to descend the stairs again, you notice the crowd that's started to form below you. great. you haven't exactly been subtle, and you wouldn't be surprised if your yells could be heard all the way back to the campos garage. the sight should scare you – any other day, you would've been so embarrassed you'd want to melt through the floor. but right now, you're too full on anger to care.

"maybe you would be driving better if you were still with me."

paul's voice stops you just as you're about to walk down the first step. you slowly turn back to him, mouth gaping wide and eyes blown up.

"something about being with him is clearly bothering you. you weren't like this when you were with me." you're at a loss for words, which he notices and takes advantage of. "you're prioritizing him over your own racing. you did it in bahrain, you did it again in jeddah. it's not good for you."

"maybe what's not good for me is you, have you ever thought about that?" you walk up to him, a finger pressed up to his chest as you stare up at him. "maybe the reason i'm distracted because you won't leave me alone! you keep on spreading these stupid rumors about me and-" you have to pause for a moment to force down the tears that threaten to spill from your eyes. "i can't take it! just back the fuck off!"

you feel like you could explode any second – if that isn't what you just did – and the fact that paul still looks like he doesn't give one single fuck about this makes you want to give him that beating he so deserves. but you hear pepe's voice in the back of your head, reminding you of how the fia wouldn't appreciate having a driver on the grid who gets into fistfights, and so you back off. with one last shake of your head, you turn again, storming down the stairs.

the sea of people at the end of the staircase splits open for you and you hurry away, not taking any time to see if you notice anyone you know in the crowd. you hear a familiar voice call out for you, one you can't quite identify, but you continue running towards your truck.

paul is an idiot – there's no denying in that fact.

but why was there more passion in these two minutes of fighting him than you've had in your entire relationship with ollie?

he can't be right, you decide. you really are in love with ollie, but not in a way that makes you compromise your racing. it's a great relationship, no matter how different it is from the one you had with paul. he may not believe it, but you will make it work.

he can't be right. you won't let him.

ollie heard about the fight between you and paul just minutes later. of course, there are people around the paddock who loves to run around and gossip – and how could they not tell the story of this huge fight to the man who was the topic of it?

in hindsight, he should've come to you instantly. he thought that the wise thing would be to give you space, to give you a few moments to breathe before he came in with all kinds of questions.

but then, when you finally come out of the campos truck over an hour later and make your way over to where he is waiting for you, he can't say anything. he sees the redness of your eyes and hears your heavy sighs loud and clear, and he knows you won't want to talk. he's too late; the wound may still be far from healed, but he still doesn't want to rip off the bandaid you've so carefully applied on yourself.

all he can do is wrap his arms around you, let you rest against his chest and kiss the top of your head, hoping to bring you at least a little bit of comfort.

next time, he will be quicker. he will be there for you right when you need it.

ollie sleeps soundlessly next to you when you pull out your journal from the bedside table. he hasn't had the most flawless weekend either, but at least he scored his first points of the season, which is a great start.

you usually can write paragraphs upon paragraphs about paul. any other day, you're jane austen and nicholas sparks both in one body. but today, there's only one thing that comes out of you.

paul aron is an asshole.

after a few seconds of just staring at your blank journal, another sentence comes to you; one you just can't bring yourself to write down.

but what if he's right?

maybe what you have with ollie isn't true love.

but maybe it's enough.

yourusername just posted!

yourusername not the best weekend race-wise, but alright off the track. we will come back stronger, thank you to the team for all of the hard work :)

show all 54 comments

user keep pushing y/n!! don't let this weekend affect you ❤️

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎

user .....what is pepe doing in the last slide?

→ yourusername wish i knew 🤷‍♀️ he sure looked silly doing it, that's all i know

→ user ollie and dino then?

→ yourusername 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎

user pretty embarrassing weekend tbh

→ user send your hate somewhere else

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎

user did anyone else hear those rumors... about her and paul....

→ user omg what rumors

→ user check your dms 😘

IMOLA

melbourne was not a good weekend in any possible way, and having it be the last weekend before a long break? not exactly what you had hoped for.

in times like these, you do the one thing you're better at than anyone; distracting yourself.

hours upon hours in the red bull simulator, mornings and evenings at the gym, rewatching old f1 and f2 races all night. anything to get your mind off your love life. pepe is a lifesaver too, since he's good at picking up on the little hints about your current mood and he understands which of your buttons not to push when you're like this.

though ollie understands why you're behaving the way you are after melbourne, he still doesn't enjoy the fact that you're much less open and harder to get hold of. there's a long period of time where you don't answer his texts as often as you usually do, where you cut your face time calls short for random reasons, and where he just can't get through to you. and it hurts him so much more since he's several hours away in italy, not able to properly talk to you about it.

that's why he was overjoyed when you arrived in imola a few days earlier than you needed, just so the two of you could spend some time alone before the weekend started.

it's currently wednesday night, and you just need to swing by your hotel room before heading out for dinner. "i'm to be really quick," you say as the light on the door blinks green and you enter, shuffling over to your suitcase. "i just need to find my purse..."

ollie strolls around for a few moments, almost as if inspecting the room, before just standing to watch the sun set over the city through your balcony door. eventually, you hear his voice from behind you. "what's this?"

when you turn around, you find him staring down into your open duffle bag on the floor – and on top of all your clothes lies your journal.

shit.

"it's... nothing."

he chuckles. "it's clearly not nothing. it looks like it's been used quite a lot," he says, eyes moving over to you. "is it a novel? a calendar?"

you turn back to your suitcase, pretending like it's no big deal, that you're just much more interested in finding your purse. "well, something like that."

"something like what?" ollie frowns, bending down a little to take a closer look at the outside.

"found it!" you reach for your handbag, pulling it out and holding it up in the air as you step away from the suitcase. "we can go now."

"why aren't you telling me? is it secret?"

ollie is stubborn; it's one of the things you like about him, one of the things that makes him the person he is. without his determination, he would've never made it to f2 nor the ferrari driver academy – and he wouldn't be your boyfriend. so, you aren't surprised that he's not letting go of your journal.

he can clearly tell it's a big deal for you, despite the fact that you try to hide it, and he can't help but feel a bit of worry creep into him when you don't answer him instantly. he regrets pushing you for an answer, but he's also immensely curious – and he's a bit tired of you still keeping secrets from him, despite the fact that he would never tell you that.

after a few more moments of silence, he takes your hand, leading you to sit down on the edge of the bed with him. and with the way he's looking at you, there's no way you can hold back from telling him.

you tell him about when you first bought it, that rainy day back home in cambridge and that little bookshop near your elementary school. you tell him about how it just called for you, begged for you to buy it, how the dark blue color felt like it was chosen just to attract attention from your eyes and your eyes only.

and you tell him about your therapist and the amount of time you've spent trying to work out all of your issues. you tell him about how when she suggested that you find an outlet for your emotions that's more easily accessible during race weekends, your mind instantly wandered to the little journal you'd bought but found no use for yet.

but you make sure to leave out all of the details, only filling him in on the major issues. you don't tell him about just how bad your performance anxiety gets, or about how close you've been to just quitting racing when your imposter syndrome thoughts cloud your mind. you can't let him know too much, get too close.

you try to brush it off as something casual, like it's no big deal; but you also make sure to tell him how extremely secret it is and about the many ways you would kill him by if you found out he'd read in it. your tone is one of levity, of course – but in reality, you weren't really kidding.

paul knew about the journal, too, and you knew how much he longed to know more than the color of the wrapping. you'd often find him with pleading eyes as he watched you write, tiny pout on his lips and a joking comment along the lines of "you're not cursing me out in that, are you?".

but despite how curious he was, paul never overstepped his boundaries. he would never – and you trust that ollie won't, either. he's far too good for that, too kindhearted and empathetic to go against your wishes. especially with how fragile and vulnerable you look to him in this moment.

he makes sure to listen to every word that leaves your mouth, nodding understandingly and letting you finish pouring your heart out before he speaks up.

"you know, you could also use me if you want to,” he starts, a gentle hand coming up to caress your cheek. "to talk to, i mean. or rant, or anything. if you think being vocal about it instead of writing could work."

of course he would try to find a way to help you out. to him, it's a win-win situation – if venting to him works for you, then that's great, but it would also mean that he could maybe finally work himself past that wall you've built up around yourself. if you start telling him about your feelings for your own sake, maybe he can finally get to know you better and get closer to you.

but that's the thing. opening up means being vulnerable, letting your guard down. you do trust him, you really do; so why can't you just do it?

ollie smiles at the little nod you give him – it's not a promise, but it's a good start. you've started talking to him, and he thinks that maybe the momentum will keep you going.

you realize that he's still holding your hand when he gives it a soft squeeze, standing up from the bed. "enough of that now," he says, trying to ignore the slightly somber expression taking over your features. "let's go to that restaurant, hm?"

you intertwine your fingers with his and rise next to him, slinging your purse over your shoulder with another nod. "let's go."

seven missed calls.

that's the sight you're met by when you scan over your phone notifications after your post-qualifying debrief with the team. you don't even need to check who they're from; you knew your dad would be dissatisfied with your results from the second you stepped out of your car halfway through the session.

before today, you hadn't spun out in a qualifying session since your karting days – but apparently, there's a first time for everything. another qualifying outside of the top ten means that yet again, you will be starting in the lower ranks in both races. missing out on the reverse grid always sucks, but it sucks a little extra when you know you could've, and should've, performed better. with pepe's third-place finish, you know your campos car was good enough to end up in the top of the timings. if only you'd kept the car on the track, maybe you could've proved something.

proven that you're capable, proven that you belong here. proven that you actually can handle the pressure.

if you know your dad right, he's definitely not calling to give you his condolences or cheer you up. it's not exactly his style. chances are, he's not just going to criticize your performance, but also compare it to a certain someone else's.

ollie managed to snatch that second place for the starting grid on sunday, which is something you should only be happy about. but as much as you adore your boyfriend and wish him all of the joy in the world, it's upsetting that he needed to perform so well this weekend. it's like the fuel to your dad's "you should've gone to ferrari"-fire he wanted so badly.

pepe knows that look on your face by now; he's been a first-hand witness to your fights with your father too many times to count by now. his hand on your shoulder gives you a quick squeeze after he's watched you flip your phone upside down on the table with a sigh before slumping further into your seat.

"did someone die in here or what?" sebastian's voice spreads through the room when he walks into it and catches a glimpse of you. the air is so thick with tension that he fears he will choke on it if he doesn't try to lighten the mood a bit.

"nothing except my weekend, i guess," you mumble back, not giving into his attempt that easily. what's he so happy for, anyway? his result of qualifying 25th isn't exactly something to celebrate, either.

"hey, cheer up," sebastian says. "we'll have an overtaking party this weekend!"

when you stay quiet, pepe says something quick in spanish to sebastian who just nods, eyes flickering between you two. you let out a groan – it's ironic, really, since you're a driver for a spanish team, but you hate it when people speak spanish around you since you can't understand it. especially when you know they're talking about you but not with you.

pepe apologizes instantly, but the smile on his lips never falters. not even your behavior is enough to stop him from beaming over his own qualifying results. for the first time in a while, he is actually happy after a session – and he won't let you ruin it.

"okay, come on. i have the perfect plan to save this night," pepe starts. your phone buzzes on the table with what you assume is another angry message, and you're just about to open it when he interjects. "and that starts with giving me your phone."

"that seems pretty suspicious…" you say, though you understand immediately why he does it. pepe knows you far too well already.

you reluctantly place your phone into the hand he holds out for you. "i promise to let you know if ollie or anyone on the team texts you. but i think you need to stay away from this for a while." he nods toward sebastian, whose eyebrows shoot up in surprise. "could you run out to get some kind of candy? anything that could work as poker chips is good enough."

"and i suppose that means my deck of cards is needed, too?" you ask, not able to hold back from smiling anymore at your friend's silly attempt to cheer you up.

"you bet."

call it childish, but your poker session really did serve its purpose. it ended up being the first time you've been able to properly relax and just have fun in months. it didn’t matter that none of you three got a lot of sleep – just getting to enjoy the moment was good enough.

however, the next day, it was all back to square one again.

the sprint race was indeed an overtaking party, as sebastian had suggested – but six overtakes from p20 is still not enough for any points, not even when about five drivers crash in the first lap. despite all that, you still had some hope for the feature; even more laps to work your way up the ranks and the possibility of having a good strategy were the only two thoughts on your mind.

but yet again, you left the race having scored exactly no points. and to your biggest annoyance, the winner was the one person you prayed would not get the win. one pretty much no one had expected.

just like spa last year in f3, paul was insanely lucky with his choice of strategy. with a perfectly timed late pit stop when the safety car came out, he came out in the front of the field on his new option tires. pretty much the entire field behind him had opted for the opposite strategy, which meant he soared away at the safety car restart and took the win quite easily.

at least, now the championship can't possibly get any worse, can it?

celebrations are always due when paul wins, and this weekend is no exception. you honestly wanted nothing more than to stay back in your hotel room and forget about the weekend even happening. but after some combined begging from ollie, pepe and jak, all saying something about how "you're no fun anymore" and "it's been so long since you partied with us", you finally gave in.

"and i promise, you won't be left alone for even a second," ollie whispers into your ear as he wraps his arm around your waist, guiding you through the door to the club of the night. "i'll be right here, and all of your other friends. okay?"

your answer comes in the form of a hum and a quick nod as the loud music floods all of your senses the second you step into the club. your boyfriend gives you a squeeze, just about to speak up again, when he spots pepe waving at you both from a table a few meters ahead.

"you actually made it!" he exclaims when you join him, reaching over to give your shoulder a gentle squeeze before letting his hand drop to his side again. "and you look great. i was scared you'd show up wearing your race suit or pyjamas just as a form of protest."

"trust me, i wanted to," you tell him with a shrug. "but someone stopped me. said it wasn’t appropriate."

"what, i was just supposed to let you make a fool of yourself?" ollie scoffs from next to you. "isn't that why i'm your boyfriend? making sure you don't embarrass yourself in public?"

"of course, what else?" you say back without missing a beat, giving him a pat on the top of his head. you then turn to greet dennis, zak and gabriel, who are also standing by the table. the discussion around the table easily falls into a race debrief, before morphing into a debate about the f1 race of the night. but it doesn't take long until the group is split up, with pepe and gabriel deciding to go for a round of dancing on the dance floor, and dennis and zak both running off toward the bathrooms.

you have to confirm to ollie about five times that you indeed will be alright standing alone for a few moments as he walks the twenty meters away to the bar to get you both a drink before he actually goes away. the way he's treating you feels somewhat strange; like you're some kind of fragile glass sculpture, like even the slightest hint of turbulence will make you break.

but then again, maybe you've earned it. your recent months definitely haven't been making you any stronger, that's for sure.

you don't really mind it at first; the slight tipsiness you already feel from the shots dennis had ordered for the table and the throbbing bass from the random house song playing on the dance floor doing a good job at drowning out your thoughts. except, that's only until something out on the dance floor catches your attention from the corner of your eye.

paul has been gone all evening, busy celebrating his win probably, and your heart flutters momentarily at the sight of him out there. but when you turn your head towards him to take him in fully, your heart drops instead.

he's with someone. and not just anyone – a girl.

a girl who's got her arms draped around his neck, while his hands hold her hips close to him.

the smiles on their lips can be spotted from miles away, and you can hear the sweet sound of paul's laughter ringing in your ears when you see her lean in to whisper something in his ear.

who is she? what's she doing with her arms around him? why is she-

your thoughts all go silent when paul places a hand underneath her jaw, leans down, and gently presses his lips to hers. it's like the entire world goes silent; like everything else is just a blur of blinking lights, but the spotlight is on the couple on the dance floor. your eyes can't help but follow their lips, their hands caressing each other's bodies...

goosebumps spread across your skin in an instant and an eerie feeling passes through your body. you finally manage to pull your gaze off paul and the girl – who is she, anyway? – and you turn away, making a beeline to the restroom. thankfully, a woman exits through the door just as you arrive, and you're quick to lock yourself in.

once you're inside and pressing your back up against the wall, it's like everything that's been building up in you is let loose. the walls are broken down, and every thought and emotion you have comes crashing down onto you. rivers of tears are flowing down your cheeks before you can react, and you slide down the wall, knees coming up to your chest as your hands come up to cover your face.

there's this strong, heartbreaking feeling spreading through your chest. is it jealousy? is it disappointment? regret?

what you do know is that this aching feeling in your heart is stronger than ever.

is this how paul feels when he sees me with ollie?

it can't be, you think – it just can't. paul can't be in this much pain...

does this mean that you still love him? does this mean you still aren't over him?

you know you should be over him already. you've tried so hard, put so much energy into your relationship with ollie. and yet, you still feel like this.

it's not fair. not to you, and especially not to ollie. he cares about you, respects you, supports you – hell, he's probably out there right now looking for you and wanting to make sure you're okay. he really likes you, and he thinks you like him too. but here you are, crying about another man.

when you're all out of tears, you use your last piece of strength to push yourself up from the floor, standing up and leaning over the sink. wearing non-waterproof is both a blessing and a curse; the trails down your cheeks are straight out of a nightmare, but they're also easy to wash off with a little water and some paper towels. the redness in your eyes isn't as easy to erase, unfortunately, but it'll have to do. you hope to be able to blame it on being tired, or having too much to drink.

you take a deep breath before stepping out of the bathroom and making your way towards the crowd on the dance floor again. the music is just as loud as it was before, and the crowd is just as sweaty and chaotic as a packed summer festival. thankfully, you don't see paul anywhere, but you find ollie quite easily. he's standing by a high table with gabriel and dennis when you approach, eyes lighting up when he spots you.

"there you are!" he exclaims, throwing an arm around your shoulders. "i've been looking for you–" ollie cuts himself off, his eyebrows furrowing a little. his voice lowers a few notches. "what's wrong?"

he noticed. in hindsight, how could he not? he's always been extremely attentive. "it's nothing, i..." you start, looking down at your feet. "i'm just exhausted from the day."

but he isn't stupid. he knows, he understands. even if he doesn't know who or what caused it, it's easy for him to tell that you've been crying. he nods, arm dropping from your shoulders to hold you around your back. "okay," he says, hand giving your waist a soft squeeze. "let's leave."

you look up at him again. the last thing you want is for him to have to cut his night short just for you. "no, i can go alone-"

"i don't mind. we came together, so we're leaving together." and before you can interject again, he's already said his goodbyes to the boys and pulled you along through the crowd.

the cab ride back to the hotel is mostly silent. you play the "exhausted" card, while ollie plays the "naive boyfriend" card. but just because you're both quiet doesn't mean your heads aren't absolutely buzzing. your mind is racing with the memory of paul's lips on that girl, kissing her and holding her like he used to kiss and hold you. but your thoughts are also clouded by the guilt you feel for being this much of a mess, and making yourself so unavailable to ollie.

ollie, on the other hand, isn't exactly rolling his thumbs, either. it takes his everything not to push you into telling him what's wrong; he wishes you would tell him because you want to, not because he's pressuring you. he's so worried about you, but at the same time, he hates the fact that you won't confide in him.

what's he doing wrong? why don't you trust him?

ollie is fast asleep next to you in your hotel bed when you pull out your dark blue journal from the bedside table.

the journal is not a secret from him anymore per se, but you still waited until this moment. the guilt of writing about another man when ollie is the one in bed with you is too big to face with his brown eyes looking up at you, so you'd rather do it like this.

yet another round of the championship, yet another bad weekend. no points, bad results as always – and that's not even the worst part.

paul was with another girl. someone i've never seen before. but he was acting like they were attached by the hip. like they've known each other forever. like i wasn't even there.

he must've known i would see. and yet, he had no issues kissing her like his life depended on it.

is it only this painful to see paul because we haven't spoken in weeks?

or is it going to be like this forever?

and just like in melbourne, there's one more thought that springs to your mind that you just can't find in yourself to write down.

i wish it were me.

yourusername just posted!

yourusername a weekend to forget, focusing on monaco instead. thanks for your support. ❤️ #foreversenna

show all 47 comments

user you did the best you could 💙

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎

user honestly what is she doing?

→ user bad results over and over even though the car is on fire, what even

→ user awkward

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎

user are she and ollie even a couple anymore?

→ user just because she doesn't post him, they've broken up? 🤨

→ user no no it's just because i've heard things... 😶

→ user omg pls tell me

→ user she'll delete the comment probably 🤪 but lemme dm you

[tttt06]

Follow My Lead

Word count- 7.3k

UnexperiencedReader x IdolJeongin

Both are in the military.

Synopsis~ 

Y/N is a veteran of the Army; she's been there since she was 18. She lost a friend a couple of years back, and she's never been the same.

Her sergeant assigns her to silently watch over the smiley boy because everyone can tell he's too friendly.

I mean, Jeongin's new. And he's a K-pop Idol. Some K-pop guy again. You're not even from Korea. You wouldn't know. 

He's so comforting and soft with you. Even though you're his superior, somehow you follow his lead.

!Warning! Y/N refers to Jeongin as Yang. The two of them are (Kinda) enemies to lovers. Y/N is also in a higher rank than I.N. Also, Jeongin is kinda a freak and horny. He likes that she is his boss, but he likes making her submissive. Also, this is from a view of a black reader the word 'nigga' is used like three times

"L/N! Stop with the Alpha Charlie and get to work!" I bit my lip and stayed silent as I tightened my grip on the weapon. I've been in the military since I was 18 years old. I'm about to turn 23 soon, and once again, I'll be spending it in a country I'm not from.

I'm from the States. I joined the military because I had no other option. Free living, free food, free friends, and a good job. 

I was a high ranker, but I didn't let that go around as known. Most people underestimate me, and those who know how high I'm ranked don't say much.

"Uhm, Sarg, Commander wants to see you." I looked at Nigel. He had a faint smirk. "The fuck you do? Hm?" I got up with a huff, "Respect your officer." 

I walked to the commander's office, and knocked, "It's L/N." He answered quietly, "Come in." I walked into the office and saluted, "Yes, sir, how can I help you?" He sighed, "Sit the hell down, Sarg." 

I relaxed in the seat. "I have a new assignment for you. We have a couple newbies coming in, and they need training. You're our lead trainer." 

I sighed, "Sir, I declined the offer years ago. I'm just a Spec." He shook his head, "You've been E6 for a while. You're taking this job."

I tried to stay respectful, but it fell apart. "Don't you think it's a little odd how quickly I became an E6?" He let out a long sigh, "Sarg, you saved our country from a terrorist attack. Of course, it's strange. You need to start doing your duties. Now, I assigned you to take care of Private Yang."

I crossed my arms, "Sir-" He closed his eyes quickly, cutting me off with a swift hand motion. "Kid. No professional bullshit right now, you have to listen. You're forcing my hand. The Colonel is asking me why you haven't fulfilled a single duty I put on you. I can't tell him you ignore his direct orders. I've never asked of you... but you're risking mine and your own neck."

I leaned back in the chair and thought to myself. I was starting to feel the weight of my title crash on me. 

"Fuck. Fine. But just Private Yang. Ask Sergeant Surtees to train the rest of the faction." 

He went quiet before he asked, "Are you doing alright?" I stood up, "You know what happened last time I trained privates. You also know the answer to that question." I walked out of the office to go for a walk on base. 

I had to attend back to my post in about ten minutes. I just needed time to think.

The next day, I was at the office I hadn't been to in almost a year.  It was dusty and messy. The last time I was here, I had a breakdown. Being here was something I never thought I'd do. Yet, here I am. I was coming to pick up my files.

I hadn't trained in two years, so I forgot how to. I had to go back to my notes to see what to get.

I sat in the chair and spun. The squeak sent a shiver down my spine. A flash went through my head.

That day was hard to remember. The loud explosion as I screamed out to my comrade. 

The sound of it imploding on the swing as the rubber seat flew into the air. 

He laid in pieces as chunks of guts and blood pooled on the mulch. The sound of the swing creaking back and forth kept me breathing. A day hard to forget.

A hand waved in my face. I was met with this smiley face. "H-hi." 

My eye twitched, "Yang! You call me Sarg! You approach me as such. You never start a sentence with Hi, you understand me?" The younger boy's smile dropped. "Yes, Sarg." I stood up and said, "We're going to the training grounds, and you're going to do 50 rounds of 10 push-ups."

I looked at him with serious eyes. He ran to the training grounds and began immediately. 

I screamed for about four hours. When Yang stood again, I shouted, "NOW DO FIVE LAPS AROUND THE ENTIRE BASE."

Yang got to running. I sighed while sitting on the floor. I watched my higher-up walk over to me. "Surtees." He laughed, "I haven't seen you train in a long time." I laughed, "I know. Just doing what I'm forced to." 

We talked as we looked over his trainees. Surtees asked, "How long you think he'll make it for?" I shrugged, "He's too smiley, I give him a week. He'll crack." 

Surtees asked, leaning over, "You heard what he did before this?" I looked at him, "He was in the Stray Kids group. He's the youngest." I watched as my trainee was running back from behind the building. 

"You serious?" "Hella." 

My eye twitched again. "I'm dealing with a stuck-up princess then." 

I saw how focused Jeongin was as he ran for the next lap. He wasn't fucking around. 

I did have doubts about his abilities, but he seemed athletic enough.

It had been a week of training. Yang learned to shoot, he learned to run, and he learned to listen.

He picked up on it quickly. His only issue was he was a horrible yeller. 

The kid couldn't respond loud and confident for his life. I was back in my office with a new chair. I asked Commander to get me a new one because the squeaking triggered me.

I had repainted the walls to a pastel green, and the office was decorated with my interest. I was lost in paperwork.

I've done my research on Yang. He's very quiet with his group. He's seen as adorable and thick-skinned. 

It rings true. Yang is resilient...somewhere, but he needs support to stay strong. The boy is probably one of the best when thinking of rookies.

However, I got an email from the colonel. He wanted me to go on a solo mission with Yang for a teaching lesson.

When it came to training, I was the best. Commander still doesn't know much about my past, even before the military, but he knows I'm tough.

I'm tough on everyone I love and hate. That's because I care.

After I completed my office work, I moved to packing up my bags. 

We were to leave tomorrow. I sent one of the trainees to get Yang for me and waited to give him the news. 

"Sarg." I motioned toward the door with my head. "Close it." He closed the door and saluted me. "Sit and relax." 

Though it's horrible, I often let my trainees relax. They're supposed to be soldiers, but nobody can hold a cold face.

"Yang, we have been ordered by the colonel to go on a mission. Can you handle it?" He raised an eyebrow, "What's gonna happen?" 

I blinked at him, "Well, we do a perimeter check and watch. Something could be found." 

He looked confused, "Well, why?" I sighed, "There was a shooting. We're in Korea. We're being sent to keep a special look-out at the crime scene. It might be... a terrorist attack."

His eyes widened, "A gun?" I nodded, "We're being sent out tomorrow. Pack your bags. Be up and ready by 7 o'clock sharp."

He nodded, and I excused him.

I left my room to see Yang already outside. I followed behind him, "Yah! you're early." He saluted, "Yes, I am, Sarg." I let out a small laugh and packed my bags into the trunk.

Yang got into the driver's seat and put his seatbelt on. "You don't wanna stop by anywhere for something to eat?"

He looked at me and read my facial expression. "You're hungry. What do you want to eat?" I felt my face flare with heat. I turned the other way in embarrassment. "I want..." His sigh broke the tension, "Yes?" 

I continued while looking out the window, "I want Chik-Fil-A." He smiled, "We don't have that in Korea. We'll get something else."

I shyly proposed, "Some ramen then."

That was odd. I'm usually not shy like that, but when Yang had the strange dominance over me... I felt something.

He told me I was hungry and asked me where I wanted to eat. That was so hot.

I hadn't spoken the whole ride. Yang turned something on in me. 

I had cornered myself close to the door, squeezed my thighs together, and hadn't turned to him.

Ordering food was what broke the silence. As we ate in the car, Yang started asking me personal questions. Ones I shouldn't answer, but he's just a kid.

"So, your family supported your career?" I swallowed my noodles, "The bills needed to be paid." He looked at me, and there was this glint.

"...Sarg." I confusedly stared at him. His hand reached for my cheek, and I felt his thumb rub across it. 

"You had sauce on your cheek." I looked down at my bowl of ramen. "Thanks." 

Fuck, why did I want him to kiss me?

He continued asking questions. "So, you got a boyfriend or something?" I only glanced at him, "No, never have." 

He smiled, and a chuckle left his chest, "You embarrassed about that?" I sighed, "I... almost did... something happened." 

He ate his kimbap, "What?" My lips moved to a lopsided smile, "He died." 

Yang calmly put his food down. "Why do you always have to be so depressing?" My eyes widened in shock, "Excuse you!" He raised his eyebrows, "Look, you're young! Your life sucks, your friends died! But they wouldn't want you to be grumpy all the time."

"I don't deserve to be happy." His hand landed on my shoulder, "Yes, you do." 

He looked into my eyes. They were so free and genuine. 

I looked away. "Yeah." I had nothing else to say. 

I always forget he's older than me. He's a smiley person and has a younger aura about him. He's so mature and is holding onto this life pretty well.

I huffed, "I'm supposed to be your sergeant. Not your friend." He smiled while he laughed through his nose, "You can be both." 

He put both his hands on the wheel and began to drive off.

When we arrived, we were immediately directed to the crime scene.

A tarp covered the dead body, but not the pool of blood. Yang only looked at me in concern as I reached for his hand.

He entangled his fingers with mine and squeezed. 

I can't do this. I can't... I feel like I'm right back.

I let go and walked off. I felt like I was suffocating. The smell of blood, the quietness, the body... I couldn't take it.

As my chest ran out of breath, I caught myself wishing for Yang. My hands instinctively grabbed my chest as I tried to find the air.

I cried, "Fuck." 

There was silence before a voice behind me made me jump. Yang's eyes followed mine with concern. "Hey, hey, hey. You okay?" I nodded and pushed him away. "I- I can't take this." 

He rubbed the back of his head, "I get it." He grabbed my hand and pulled me toward the bench. 

"Can we look at the cloud together?" I just nodded along, barely hearing what he asked. I looked up at the morning sky and felt my air return to my lungs.

I felt so small. 

Yang still hadn't let go of my hand. "Your thoughts feel clearer?" I looked down to see him staring. "Yeah... they did." He only smiled, "I won't make you talk about it. I have a member from my group, Han... he has anxiety too." 

I looked down and played with his hand, "It's more like PTSD. I can't see blood or hear that squeak sound... It just reminds me of that day." 

He only listened. "He was my comrade, my friend. The love of my life all at once. I didn't follow orders. My commander told me to stand down. Only one guy was left. At least, that's what we thought. My comrade said two against one was too easy. We ran in, but... he ended up dying. There were four guys in there. I killed them all, yet my comrade still died."

Yang let go of my hand and grabbed my whole body. He scooped me up into a warm embrace. I felt safe in his arms.

"You're with me now." I nodded.

We stayed there in silence. I eventually worked up the courage to go back.

We were there all night and were both too tired to drive back. I ended up getting us a one-bedroom. Two beds in one room. It was an overnight stay, and we'd be up and back on our way that morning. 

I let my commander know we'd be back late. When we got to the room, I smacked right on the bed. "Be up by 7."

I didn't hear a response, but I went straight to sleep.

I woke up in a sweat. I shot up and felt my lungs gasping for air. "Sergeant?" I turned to the other bed to see Yang fully awake. 

"Ah, sorry." He turned on the bedside lamp. "come here." He flipped the cover over in an inviting manner. 

I sat on my bed for a moment, thinking. 

Is this okay? He's my subordinate... But I need to sleep.

I sighed and got up. I walked over to Yang's bed, and he pulled me closer. His warm breath tickled my ear, "Sleep well." 

When I woke up, my cheek was squished against his chest, and his hand held onto my shoulder. My hand lifted me from his chest. 

His eyes opened sharply. I smiled, "It's just me." He smiled and swooped a loc from my face. He tucked it behind my ear, "Good morning." 

I felt my heart tingle. I pushed away, "Get ready. I'll drive us back." I slammed the door shut and walked to the convenience store. 

No way am I falling for a subordinate. Not happening. The last time I fell for someone here, they died. Plus, he's an idol... he won't be able to make this public.

I grabbed the convenience store food and went to pay for it. The cashier mentioned, "You look upset." I looked up at him. "I am." He smiled, "Maybe a stranger could help."

I huffed, "I'm his boss. I like him." He looked at me with shock, "Oh... well." 

I gave him a defeated smile, "I told you so. I'm hopeless." There was a silence before he just responded, "Hey, you never know... You know Blackpink?" 

I gave him a blank stare, "Nigga... I speak Korean fluently. What are you trying to say?" "You never know until you try." 

I laughed, "That's not what the song is about." He shrugged, "I don't listen to them." My eye twitched, "I can tell. Thanks for the useless advice."

I walked out with my bag of supplies and back to the hotel. Yang was walking out. "Yah, I got us food." 

I handed him the bag, "How'd you know... you got all my favorite stuff." I shrugged, "Just eat." I got in the car, and the first thirty minutes were quiet. 

That was until Yang burped. "UGH! What the fuck, Jeongin!" He turned to me quickly, his eyes wide. "What did you just call me?" 

My eyes stayed glued to the road, "I don't know what you're talking about." He said, "Please, call me that a lot."

It had been about two months since that whole situation. Yang had been wondering why I hadn't been talking to him. Plainly because I don't want to.

That whole situation with having to calm me down, cuddle me, and feed me... it felt too personal. 

I finished my report and heard a knock on the door, "Y/N, it's Surtees. Let me in?" I sighed, "Come inside, it's fun inside." He laughed as he walked in.

"Why are you singing Mickey Mouse?" I just laughed. Surtees sat, "I don't know how, but that Yang kid is already at the top of his class. They're thinking of promoting him." I let out a half smile, "He's a good kid." 

Surtees crossed his arms, "What happened on that mission, Y/N?" I squinted at him, "I told you." He rolled his eyes, "I don't think you're telling me everything." He leaned back in his chair.

I looked away from him to 'finish' my paperwork. There was a long silence. The only sound was sheets of paper swinging in the air. 

"Y/N." 

I looked up to see Surtees staring at me. "You serious about this being your last couple of months?" I sighed, "I can't take it anymore. My friend died here. When I did that mission with Yang, I couldn't take it. I'm weak. Too weak to protect the country." 

Surtees said, "Ah, so that's what happened." I raised an eyebrow, "What do you mean?" His smile spread, "You had a panic attack in front of the trainee, and now you're too embarrassed to talk to him."

I looked down, frustrated. "Y-yeah." Surtees only laughed. "You know the kid has a crush on you, right?" I looked up, appalled, "What?!" He held his stomach as he hunched over from laughter. 

"What are you talking about?" He smiled, "He's obsessed with you. He even came to ask why you haven't spoken to him." 

I felt my body tense as I thought about him holding me tight that night at the hotel. 

I didn't want to... but I think I really like him.

I shook my head, "That's... not right." Surtees said, "I think you should go for it. It's clear you're able to be vulnerable with him." 

I shook my head, "No! I shouldn't!" Surtees sighed, "Why? He's not going to die at war like your friend did. It's okay to fall in love again."

I shook my head, "But... Avery died because of me." Surtees smile had depleted. He looked at me, feeling sorry. I hated the pity, but it felt nice to be cared for.

"Y/N, you should sign up for the therapy they have here. You should also let Yang take you out. Maybe it's what you need."

I took his word as I silently cried. The tears fell from my cheeks, and Surtees stood up. "I know you hate when people see you cry. I'll see myself out." He patted my head and walked out. 

Surtees was always like an older brother. He was ahead of me by age and the system. I was one of the younger ones here. 

And that's thanks to the misfortune I suffered at 17.

I ended up huddled up in my office for about three hours. I eventually got up to quickly get something to eat. 

When I walked out to get some fast food on base, I was met with Yang. He was standing outside the convenience store alone. 

"You're supposed to be sleeping." He laughed, "Can't sleep when my friend ignores me." 

I glanced at him and walked past him. I was quick to get my food, but on my way out, Yang shouted to me, "Call me Jeongin... one more time." 

I turned around to look at him, "Excuse me?" He said, "Just once... I-I'd like to go out with you."

My eyes widened, "Yang, you're crazy." He asked, "Please? I want to be the person you want." I held my breath as I stared. My heart was racing, and my hands were shaking. 

"Y/N, you should sign up for the therapy they have here. You should also let Yang take you out. Maybe it's what you need."

Surtees's voice rang in my head. 

"Sure. But don't try to fuck me on the first night." He laughed, "No promises. When are you free?" 

He said, "Tomorrow, all day." I smiled, "Fine, let's meet at five." He smiled, "At the small pond, with the fishes." I nodded absentmindedly. I turned around and walked home. 

The next day, I had on civilian clothes. It wasn't often I wore an outfit, but I did today. 

I don't understand, but I wanted to impress Yang.

I wore a thigh-high dress, some white sneakers, and white socks. My locs are in a quick bun with the two front strands out to frame my face. 

I exited my place to see Nigel at my door, "Really?" He looked me up and down and said, "So Yang really did ask you out."

I embarrassingly punched him in the shoulder, "Shut up! Respect your Sergeant." 

He crossed his arms, "Looks to me like you're playing civilian. A civilian just punched a military officer." I furrowed my eyebrows as Nigel continued, "You don't look good. You look like a bodybuilder in a dress."

I had nothing to say. 

Do I?

He snickered, "Enjoy your date." I walked away with a new insecurity. 

Am I too big? Am I too buff? My job requires me to work out, but am I too muscular?

My thoughts were clouded as I made my way to the park. I saw Yang there with flowers. He was stylish. "Hi Y/N." 

My eyes widened. 

I'm not used to hearing my name. "Oh, hello." He smiled while handing me the flowers, "Come sit." 

I finally took a look at my surroundings. Jeongin made a little makeshift picnic. "It's not Chik-Fil-A, but I tried." 

I smiled and carefully sat down. "You look good in yellow." I tucked my loc behind my ear, "Thanks." 

He smiled back and looked at me. I wasn't paying attention when he started talking because I was thinking hard.

He said I looked good in yellow. Do I look good in the dress? I shouldn't eat, I should lose the weight then. I don't want to look huge. I need to get muscular but dainty. What meal plan do I have to follow to get like that.

"Y/N!?" I blinked as I looked at Yang. "You okay? You spaced off completely. I called your name like five times. Am I boring you? You wanna go somewhere else?" 

I shook my head, "No-no! You already set up." 

Jeongin said, "What's on your mind?" His voice got soft when he asked. It made my heart flutter when the concern bubbled from his throat.

"Nothing." He crossed his arms, "C'mon. Age-old tricks get you nowhere. What's wrong?" He smiled as he waited for an answer. 

I played with my fingers in my lap and whispered, "Just something stupid Nigel said." He leaned in, and I couldn't help but notice how buff his arms were. "What'd he say?" 

"I look like a bodybuilder in this dress."

He quirked his eyebrow, "You surprise me. Didn't take you as someone naïve." I looked up at him in shock. 

"Yes, your arms are a little muscular," He leaned over to squeeze them, "But you're still tiny." He kissed my cheek, "Now eat. I worked hard to beg Minho to make these chicken sandwiches."

I was still shocked by the kiss. I came up with a conversation, "Minho is your bandmate, right?" He nodded as he chewed his sandwich. 

"Second oldest hyung. I'm the maknae." I nodded, "What's it like being famous?" 

He looked up at me, "It feels like I have these guardian angels around me all the time. It feels like a higher power is protecting me. When I go out, people recognize me. I can tell even when they don't come up to me. If something happened to me, my fans got my back." 

I smiled, "You actually love your fans?" He nodded excitedly, "... It's like when your favorite cousin comes over for a sleepover." I laughed, "I get that." 

I ate the chicken, "Wow, this is good. Is Minho single?" He squinted his eyes, "Not funny, will never be funny." I smiled, "I'm kidding."

I thought, "Would I get to meet them? Your bandmates?" He nodded, "Them before my parents." I laughed, "Probably for the better." 

He raised an eyebrow, "What about you? When do I meet your parents?" 

I smiled, "Well, they're both dead, but we can meet their graves in America." Jeongin pouted, "I walked into that. How'd it happen?"

I said, "Bank robbery." I popped a strawberry in my mouth, "I was 17 when it happened. I had to go into foster care and got kicked out the day I turned 18. Came to the military to get money."

He nodded along, "That's upsetting. I get why you don't trust people then." 

I nodded, "Not even. It was just a traumatic time. I felt like life was so unfair. I was still grieving, and to be homeless while trying to go to high school was not fun. I got bullied." 

He furrowed his eyebrows, "That's super fucked up." I smiled, "I got suspended because I fought the whole group of girls and won. My dad was an ex-convict, so I know how to prison fight." 

Jeongin laughed, "And there it is." I smiled, "Not a Y/N story until I get slick at the mouth with someone." 

Yang laughed, "I love your slick-ass mouth. It's hilarious." I laughed, "You like bratty girls, don't you?" He shrugged, "You're gonna have to find out." 

I rolled my eyes, "Might have to find more than one thing in the bedroom." I sipped my water, and he laughed. "Trust, you make me so hard that it grows three times the size!" 

I laughed back, "Did you just admit to having a small penis, Yang?" He leaned closer, "I told you, my name is Jeongin." He kissed me deeply and slowly.

My arms wrapped around his neck as he slowly pushed us on the blanket. His hands kept him above me as one lifted the already short dress higher up my thigh.

"Mm~" He smiled against my lips as he kissed me again, "You like that?" I nodded, and he looked down, "You like being touchy, don't you?" I nodded again. "Fuck. You're so adorable when you're under me." 

He pulled away and sat up. "I have to keep my composure with you. You're dangerous." He pulled the corner of the blanket onto his lap. 

He was right about how fast and big it grows. It was huge.

I bit my lip and looked away, "I should probably tell you, I've never had sex before." He smiled, "I can tell. I'll make sure you can handle it."

I giggled at the thought of it. Jeongin cheesed, "Oh, you're a nasty girl."

"You'll just have to find out."

We'd been together for a couple weeks now. We'd sneak around and mess around. It was honestly so fun with Jeongin. 

Jeongin was actually a funny person. We had each other's sense of humor. He was also very lively and had a HIGH sex drive.

The two of us hadn't done IT yet. Mostly because I'm scared to. He hasn't mentioned it. He always stops when it gets too far or when I cum from his fingers. 

He's a patient man. Even though there will be times he invites himself into my office to display his boner. He won't mention anything.

Only a few know about what's going on between us. Everyone knows not to fuck with me because I'll have you on cleaning duty, and you'll be starting with the kitchen refrigerator. 

"Sergeant L/N, it's your boyfriend." I rolled my eyes, "What the fuck do you want Nigel." 

He walked in and sat on my seat, "You know Yang cursed me out after saying you looked buff in a dress. Ah, fun times. Now, we have an assignment. There's a new gen of trainees. They want to make you train a team." I sighed, "I don't want to, but fine, I guess." 

I smiled to myself while thinking of Jeongin. He'd been on my mind all day. He said he had something planned after work for me. He always gives me his time and attention. 

"Stop thinking of your boyfriend and take this folder of paperwork. It had the trainee's background at Bootcamp." 

I nodded, looking at the first page, "Ah, this person cried and peed himself on the second day? Jesus. Why does Commander give me all the weak ones." 

Nigel laughed, "Because your softness on them makes them tough." I bit my cheek, "Alright, get out." He stood snickering and left the room. 

I was only sitting on this for five minutes before I heard another knock on the door. 

I opened the door, "Nigel, what the hell do you want now-" 

Jeongin smiled and pulled me into a tight hug. "I finished early. Now, give me a kiss." I wiggled my head out of his tight headlock and kissed his cheek. 

He kicked the door behind him, "A real one." I laughed and kissed him for real. His lips were soft, and his breath was light on my top tip. 

He sucked in a breath, and his hands traveled to my waist. He lifted his shirt, and I gasped. "Here?!" He turned around and locked the door. 

"Whose gonna know?" I laughed as he lifted me onto my desk and kissed down my neck. I moaned as he lifted my shirt. He threw it on the floor and sucked on the hickeys he left last time.

He unzipped my pants and rubbed his thumb over my clit. "You couldn't even wait for tonight?" He smiled, "Because you looked so good today. You look so good in uniform." I bit my lip as he kissed my ear.

I felt his fingers dip into my panties. My legs spread absentmindedly. "Fuck, you're so submissive to me." I leaned back, using my hands to prop me up on the desk. "It feels good." 

"Can you sit on my face tonight?" I nodded, moaning to his rhythm. 

He was always slow and steady. Always curling his fingers until it hit my gummy spot. 

My stomach started to feel tight as he sped up. "I love it when you make that face for me. You're about to cum on my fingers? Hm, baby?" I nodded as I felt myself about to release.

I held his shoulder to keep me steady. He pulled his fingers out and flipped me over my own desk. 

He pulled down my pants and dug his face into my pussy. I moaned as his tongue swiped over my clit. 

"Shit. Innie, I'm cumming." He only dug his fingers deeper into my hole. I covered my mouth as I came all over his fingers. Jeongin licked me clean, "Give me your underwear." I stepped out of my underwear. "They're so wet. You're so nasty. Letting me take you in your office." 

I turned around, and he pressed a kiss on my lips. He kissed me harder as his big hands wrapped over my ass. He tightly squeezed it and let go. My ass jiggled from his release. 

"You have such a pretty ass. Pretty stretch marks, pretty skin... from my pretty girl." I bit my lip, feeling shy. "You like my stretch marks?" 

He smiled and gave me another kiss, "You're gonna get more when I get you pregnant. If you don't like them, you better start now." 

I had put on my clothes and was ready for this makeshift date Jeongin had made up.

He kicked out his roommate and made a movie night. It is endearing. I sat on his office carpet floor, and he pulled me into a cuddle. 

"You wanna watch Ponyo again?" I smiled, "I love how you always wanna watch my movies. What do you wanna watch?" He thought, "I heard 'The Challengers' with Zendaya was pretty good." 

I turned to him, not having it, "Either you love Zendaya, or you just wanna watch sex movies with me." He smiled, "Euphoria wasn't a movie." I rolled my eyes, "Baby, we already did stuff three days ago, two days ago, yesterday we did it four times, then today, and you wanna do it even more?! I'm exhausted." 

He looked at me seriously, "You want me to calm down?" I could tell he was taking it to heart, "I-uh...no." He clicked his tongue, "That's what I thought. Now, pick a movie." I sheepishly smiled and turned on Ponyo.

I'm predictable, I know!

We sat together watching it. We ended up moving to the couch and spooning. Jeongin was a little spoon, mostly because I liked being pressed against the back of the sofa. I felt safer here. My arms were on his shoulder as I watched from behind his big frame. 

Jeongin said, "This is my favorite part for some reason." Sosuke walked outside to see the water reaching the doorway. I smiled as I reminisced. 

This movie got me through a lot. 

"Ah, I love when the boat gets big because of her magic!" Jeongin turned to me, "You are so cute." I pouted, "When will you see me as sexy?" 

"When you take all your clothes off." 

I rolled my eyes and shoved my hand on his face. I turned his head, "Watch the movie horn-hog."

Honestly, I liked that he was so horny all the time. It was so attractive. He said, "You look so cute in my clothes. How am I supposed to contain myself?" "By watching the movie." 

Jeongin said, "You think I don't notice when you mouth the words?" 

He turned to me with that smile. He lifted me onto his lap, and my middle felt how hard his dick was.

"It's so cute when you do that. How many times have you seen this?" 

I smiled, "219 times." He laughed, "That's like 3% of your life dedicated to this movie."

I said, "Actually, 2.7%. I did the math. This movie reminds me of my childhood. How good I had it, how big my imagination was. How big the world seemed." 

He cupped my cheek, "The world is big." I scrunched my nose and leaned down to kiss him. Both my hands kept me propped on his big chest.

"Your dick is bigger." He smiled, "That's my girl." 

He flipped us over instantaneously, "You wanna feel it for me?" I laughed, "Not in the living room." He sighed while scooping me up bridal style and threw me on the bed.

"What about in my room?" He smiled at me as I crawled over to the edge of the bed. 

He bent down on one knee to meet my eyes, "Cutie, you wanna try today?" His eyes were sincere. 

"Trying going all the way? Y-yeah." 

He smiled, "No pressure. You can always tell me when to stop." 

He smiled at me as he pushed me on the bed gently. I expected him to be rougher. 

He's all talk. He's actually the sweetest and gentlest baby ever.

He loves to take care of me too.

He slid off his sweatpants from my body. "Always wearing my clothes." I nodded as he kissed my neck.

I let out a soft moan as he dug his fingers into my hole. "You're still stretched out. But I'll need to add another finger." 

He shoved in a third finger, and I moaned out in pain. "Nng~" He whispered between my legs, "I know, baby." 

He looked up, "You feel comfortable taking your shirt off?" I nodded as I pulled it off.

Jeongin's lips teased my clit. He kept flicking it. I bit my lip when I felt his other hand slide to my chest. 

He rolled my nipple between his big, callased fingers. 

"You feel good, baby?" I could only whimper, "Mhm~" 

I felt my stomach growing a knot, "I'm gonna cum soon." He let out a soft sigh, "Cum for me, baby. I can't wait to watch you shake under me." 

I loved how much of a talker he was in the bedroom. He always pushed me to the edge with his words. "Your sweet pussy is gonna cum all over my fingers, hm?" I nodded as he went faster. 

My moans only got longer as I squeezed my thighs around his head. "Ah~ I-I'm gunna... mmm~" I came on his fingers.

He pulled away, "I can't lick you clean today, I need that for me." He looked me over before kissing my nose, "I'll be back." He walked to his bathroom and came back with a pack of condoms. "Not sure how long until I wear you out, I brought three condoms." 

I shook my head in disbelief. I knew he was only half joking.

He slid his pants down. His dick was so hard. "Can you put it on for me, baby?"

Fuck yes.

I crawled over, now in only a bra. I pulled down Jeongin's boxers and watched his dick spring out.

It slapped his stomach as it touched right above the belly button. It was huge, I've never seen his dick before. It was pale, and the tip was pink. 

I put it in my hand as I felt it throb.

His hand immediately gripped my head as he observed me. 

I carefully slid on the condom. I never put one on before, so I struggled a bit. Jeongin groaned as he watched.

"Fuck, your so cute." He grabbed both wrists with one hand and moved his hand from my head. He slid on the condom, and his head dove back.

My warm palms were right back on his dick. "Fuck, Y/N. What are you doing?" I slid his long and thick dick in my mouth.

I kept going until it reached the back of my throat. 

"Fuck! Yes, baby, take it." I moaned as my eyes fluttered closed. "Fuck, your throat feels so good, baby." 

My hands were on his thigh as I sucked on his tip. Jeongin had put his hand back on my head. 

"Just like that." He pushed my head back and forth. 

"Let me fuck your throat. I want to watch you gag on me." I let his dick drag on my tongue as I looked at him with my doe eyes. 

He bit his lip, trying to keep his composure. He grabbed my chin and kissed me hard.

"Put it back in your mouth, baby." I grabbed his dick and started sucking it. He held my head steady as he thrust deep into my throat. 

Apparently, I don't have a gag reflex. Jeongin's dick slid right into my throat. 

His tip grazed against my front teeth, and I felt him shiver. "Oh fuck. Just like that baby." I swirled my tongue around his dick as my other hand massaged his balls. 

His grip on my locs tightened. His thrust got quicker as he began to groan. "Oh yeah, baby. Let me destroy that pretty little throat." 

He never was usually like this. Jeongin has always been a gentle horn monster. Hearing him speak like this to me made me hot and bothered. 

My fingers traveled to my pussy as I began to finger myself to his fast-paced rhythm. "Fuck yes, baby. Touch yourself to me." 

He went faster, but his thrusts were shallow. I started gasping with every moan, which led him to pull out a little.

Jeongin squeezed his eyes shut as he began to let out a long moan. "Fuck Y/N, I'm cumming." 

He came in the condom, and I watched as it leaked through the condom. I swiped my finger across his twitching dick and licked my finger.

He tasted salty.

Jeongin then pushed me on the bed, "It's your turn, I'm gonna fuck you so deep and slow, you won't know your own name."

I pulled off the used condom and put on a new one. Jeongin gripped my wrist and put the fingers I used to finger myself in his mouth. 

His tongue swirled around my fingers, and I moaned.

He positioned his dick into my pussy and shoved it in there.

I felt the immediate stretch. I felt so stuffed like my pussy was about to pop.

I squeezed my eyes closed and let out another pained whimper. My hand dropped from Jeongin's mouth, and he kissed my cheeks.

"You okay?" I nodded, "Yeah, you're just really big." He smiled gently, "Am I too big, or are you super tight?" He kissed my forehead, "Relax for me. It'll feel better." 

He slowly pulled out and thrust back in. My hand gripped his shoulder. "Agh~" He panted, "Fuck your tight little pusy is squeezing around me." 

I moaned as his thrust gotta a little rougher. His dick was already hitting my gummy spot. 

I muttered, "Faster." My body was shaking from pleasure as he picked up the pace. Already, my stomach was tying the knot around him. I let out loud moans. 

I felt like I was peeing as this wet substance sprayed out of me. I started to shake uncontrollably.

Jeongin pulled out quickly and kissed my neck, "You feel good, don't you, baby?" I nodded as I continued to ramble incoherent words in pleasure.

My body relaxed as Jeongin rubbed my thigh. I said sadly, "Did I just pee?" He smiled, "No, babe. You were so aroused that you squirted."

I looked away from him. He continued, "That's a good thing." 

I huffed, "Can we keep going, or does that mean we have to stop?" He cheesed, "Do you wanna keep going?" 

I nodded, "I do." He smiled and towered back over me. He positioned himself back in, but this time his dick popped right in. The pain was thin between pleasure.

I let out another moan, and he sunk into me. I bit my lip as he thrust into me at the same pace. He whispered in my ear, "I won't lie. Watching you squirt was the hottest thing I've ever seen you do."

I let out a laugh, but it turned into a moan as he roughly slammed into me. 

The knot got tighter as I curled into him. My neck dove back, and Jeongin took it as the perfect opportunity to suck on my sweet spot. 

I felt myself starting to cum all over again. "Ah~ I'm gonna cum Innie." He thrust faster as he rubbed my thighs in a circular motion. 

I balled the sheets into my hands and felt myself cum. My eyes rolled to the back of my head as my back arched.

"Fuck!" I squeezed around Jeongin's dick leading him to twitch. But he didn't cum. 

He let me ride out my orgasm, and relax a little before the next round. Instead, he held me mid-air, and my legs hooked on his shoulder. He was slamming into me quickly. My moans were loud in his ear as he panted from his rhythm.

"Oh fuck! You're so deep~" My body swung into the air and collided with his stomach. The squelching noises of my pussy were loud in the air. 

He sighed as he started to throb in me. He carefully placed me on the bed and fucked me from behind. My face was digging into the sheets as he slapped my ass hard. 

We were at least on the third condom by now. My legs shook as I cried out, "Fuck, I'm cumming!" He said with a satisfied groan, "Me too, baby girl." 

Our moans harmonized as I fell over. Jeongin plopped onto the bed and caught his breath.

"You're such a good girl." He cupped my cheek and kissed me deeply.

We cuddled that night all night long. When I woke up, he was there, and with breakfast.

We traveled together to America on leave, and he visited my parents. And we ate Chik-Fil-A because I cried the whole car ride back.

That was the day I told him I loved him too.

[aithusarosekiller]

fic recs, some positivity for your blog!!

(all on ao3, it's all i use)

"only the brave" by solmussa is genuinely my favourite fic ever (in my years of obsessive fanfic reading), it's got jegulus, wolfstar, dorlene, rosekiller, pandalily, amazing ocs (elspeth fawley my love my darling my beloved), MOONWATER FRIENDSHIP SUPREMACY, regulus being an evil (not actually) mastermind and literally i like fucking cannot. i cant even begin to describe how much i love this fic, 100/10 absolutely recommend reading if you haven't already [completed, 64 chapters, 645k words]

"go east" by xinasvoice is a wolfstar howls moving castle au, literally need i say more [completed, 11 chapters, 84k words]

"threes family" and it's sequel "eights company" by darkbluedark, im obsessed with marauders time travel fics if you couldn't tell [threes family is complete, 5 chapters, almost 20k words; eights company is a wip, 3 chapters, 15k words]

"the golden king" by maladaptivewriting, another time travel fic!! jegulus, wolfstar, drarry, regulus being a slayboss icon as per usual [wip, but already has 123 chapters and almost 500k words]

"like real people do" by arins_writings has jegulus, wolfstar, dorlene, time travel (yippie!!!), enemies to lovers, forced (ish) proximity and all sorts of shit that makes my autism happy [completed, 60 chapters, 201k words. sequel is a wip, 6 chapters, 16k words]

"into the dark" by phantomgrimalkin another time travel fic!!! wolfstar, jily, drarry, bastard rat ass motherfucker albus dumbledore [complete, 20 chapters, 88k words]

"(i will) wear you down" by rainiris is an amazing motherfucking concept, really slow updates but is absolutely worth it. jegulus, wolfstar, marylily, dorlene, past jily (and harry!), basically regulus fakes his death but james goes looking for him, the cutie patootie [wip, 18/32 chapters, 121k words]

"you only live twice" by drift99 is also really good, it's wolfstar, jily (jegulily later on ehehe), polyamory time travel bullshit (literally my favourite kind of bullshit). remus and hermione saving the world, underrated friendship tbh [completed, 47 chapters, 95k words]

"anti-hero" by rweoutofthewoods has jegulus, wolfstar, bamf regulus, moonwater friendship!!! regulus fakes his death, but remus finds him. platonic soulmates istg. also has marylily but it doesn't end well for them :((… [completed, 41 chapters, 237k words]

"dear your holiness" by mollymarymarie is basically, at it's barest bones, a wolfstar fleabag au. priest remus lupin, modern au, sorta-partly-kinda texting fic, very very sacrilegious, and a happy ending! [completed, 12 chapters, 142k words]

"saccharine" by moonymoment is a sweet little (maybe not little, but shorter than my usual 100k+ word fics) wolfstar modern ghost au! background jily, happy ending, basically sirius is a ghost that haunts remus' apartment and its really domestic

if you've read any/all of these pls lmk what you think i love to talk about the marauders

OMG HIIII

I also only use ao3 so don't you even worry 😭 ao3 is my baby I live there

THIS IS PERFECT TIMING bc i started only the brave last year big for some reason stopped? Idk if it was school work or something but I've been telling myself that this summer im gonna read it all the way through because I remember loving the writing and the story so I can't wait to sit and get all the way through it again. I've already seen so many spoilers but I'm gonna pretend I haven't 💀

I've been subscribed to the golden king since Reg's first Diagon trip and it LOVE IT SO MUCH 😭 the bond with Harry, the relationship with Sirius creeping back, the entire MESS with James. I love it. So good.

Okay about like real people do 😭 I SWEAR I MUST HAVE READ IT???? I love time-travel and I love Jegulus and I love long fics....and I SWEAR it rings a bell in my mind so tell me why I just went over to ao3 to double check and I literally cannot remember it 😞 maybe I read a bit then lost the tab???? Or started smth else and forgot to go back???? Either way it's going back onto the tbr bc why the hell would I not have read it all that's insane. Thank you for reviving my pea-memory so I can come back to this one 🙏

I LOVE ANTI HERO SO SO MUCH DUDE like I remember reading it last year and not putting my phone down until it was done, it's a PROBLEM. Whenever I think about reg lives I think about that even when I've read so many others with the concept it's just so...AAAAA. The desert scene of forever stuck in my mind for some reason idk 😭

I personally will probably not read the others (the people who know my blog could smell this coming, I see you) because wolfstar and jily aren't really my thing anymore (I dealt with a few elitist/aggressive fans over the years which has unfortunately just completely put me off being able to enjoy any content for them anymore :( still makes me sad icl) but!! I will tag it with them so all the people who DO love them can see these recs and go and read them if they haven't already because the premises look SO cool

[the-fiction-witch]

I'm Listening

Media The Artful Dodger

Character Jack Dawkins

Couple Jack X Reader

Rating Sweet AF

Requested: Hey really love your blog <3 I'd like to request a Jack dawkins one where she is autistic and has a meltdown because she got overstimulated + too much emotions and Jack maybe panicking a bit because he doesn't know what's wrong and she is rocking and kinda hurting herself through stimming. Just hurt/comfort stuff. Kinda specific so only if your comfortable with it but would be very happy about it. Thank you ♡

Warning: Panic Attack / Overstimulation / emotioanal meltdown / stimming / Nail picking / Nail biting /

I sat, my knees pulled to my chest, my mind a flood with thoughts, feelings, and every other thought in the world. Everything had just overflowed so I had run up to our room and hidden away from the world. Tears flooded down my cheeks, picking at my nail beds beyond the point of it being painful, my body uncontrollably moving back and forth to rock myself. I heard the door open and immediately didn't want to have to deal with explaining myself. 

"Ahh, There you are Y/n." Jack smiled as he shut the door, "I've been looking all over the hospital for you," He laughed as he came over and kissed my forehead, which was enough for me to almost scream and move away, he noticed and put some space between us. "What have I done?" he asked but I didn't have the strength to speak, "Ohh come on sweetheart what have I done? You have to tell me you know I hate you being upset with me."

"Y-You haven't done any-" I forced as I tried to speak,

"Have you been up here all afternoon?" He asked and I nodded, "Then talk to me, what's made you so upset?" He asked, "And please stop doing that y/n." He said trying to make my hands stop picking my nails, but I slapped his hands away "Please, I don't know how to help sweetheart. You have to tell me so I can-"

"Enough!" I yelled putting my hands over my ears and trying to just sit quietly,

He was silent and sat on the bed keeping a distance between us, he was slow and gentle with his breaths keeping loud enough that even if absentmindedly I began to follow them, he waited for a while before he spoke up, softly and gently. "I just wanna help." 

"I know... I know... I'm sorry,"

"You don't need to be sorry. I know you... get like this sometimes." he said, "I guess this is from, Everything down there."He asked and I nodded, "Alright, I wanna help. Just tell me what you need me to do, take as long as you need." 

"I'm sorry-"

"It's Alright, my fault for not noticing you were like this. We can talk. I can help. or we can just sit in silence whatever is gonna help." 

"Silence. for now."

He nodded and for a while the two of us just sat together with the only sound of our breathing, the room darkening as the evening rolled in, after a while, I took his hand and set it on my head. He smiled and gently stroked my hair "You ready to talk?" he asked and I nodded, "Okay, I'm listening."

"Today just... got to be too much."

"That's okay, it has been very hectic today. I'm proud of you for coming up here and taking time for yourself." He smiled, "Come on you talk as much as you need to I'll be here to listen."

I let out a sigh, "It's all been too busy, so many people and they are all complaining about nothing, and the nurses are getting irritable with me because I can't find anything where they moved the cupboards around last week, and it all got so loud, and hot, and I couldn't find anything, and I was already uncomfortable being on my own all day and my socks are very tight and it's uncomfortable!" 

"...You done? That everything?"

"I think so."

"Okay," He nodded, "It's all okay sweetheart, it's over now. No more work, we can sit here in the dark together if that's what you want. I'll even leave you alone if you'd prefer."

"No, I'd like you here."

"Then I'm very happy to stay" he smiled, "You wanna sit in the dark?"

"Yes please,"

"Okay, No worries. I like the dark." He smiled still slowly stroking my hair, "I know this is hard for you, and I'm happy you let me in even after a little while, I feel terrible I keep kinda forgetting what you like sometimes."

"It's okay. not on you to deal with my nonsense."

"It's not nonsense. It's you. and I love taking care of you sweetheart." he smiled, "I know what might help." he said briefly grabbing something from the side, "Would sock owl help?" he asked giving the small owl made from old socks and fabric cuts in his hand I nodded and took the little owl giving it a squeeze feeling the various stuffed fabrics move a little as I did, "There, better?"

"Yeah thank you, Jack." I smiled,

"You're welcome." he smiled, taking my hands and kissing my fingers where I had picked them so much they had bled, he gave each a kiss before cleaning my fingers and wrapping them up in bandages "There, all better." He smiled, "It worries me when you get this bad, you know it's the one thing I don't like you doing. You need your hands, and your cute little fingers, we work and live in a hospital sweetheart you need them, and it's the place most in contact for infection, I know it... what you feel you have to do. But you have sock owl, and me, I'd just really rather you try working on some other types of stimming when you're like this. Okay?"

"I'll try Jack."

"That's my girl." He cooed, "You think you're okay enough for a cuddle?"

"Yes." I nodded giving him a tight cuddle,

"Aww hi, sweetheart." he smiled kissing my head, "You feel better?"

"Much better, now you're here."

"I'm glad I could be so helpful to you, and I'm glad you feel better Y/n." 

[loverlylight]

Sometimes it's just... I dunno, odd trying to build up to being a functioning human again. And I have made a lot of progress, but sometimes it's odd what I still haven't got back, if that makes sense? Putting a read more because this got long and talks about suicidal ideation and all that.

Like, eight months ago, I was just blank. I could respond physically to stuff, but I was in so much emotional pain my mind was just not really there, I couldn't speak much and from what I've been told when I did speak it was very dull and unemotional. I couldn't force myself to do anything I did not have to do, and my body was also barely functioning because of all the breathing issues and weakness and the fact that I was somehow hoping I could starve myself to death without anyone noticing which yeah is stupid but I wasn't in the best state of mind, and anyway that resulted in me several times just sitting motionless for hours doing nothing. There were multiple times where I'd go days without eating, or forcing myself to eat but being unable to keep from crying because I knew eating was keeping me alive which I did not want, and I obviously wasn't keeping track but mom estimated that days when I would eat I'd have like 500 calories a day. And I either wanted to die or was thinking about how I could follow through on that desire in a way that would cause the least amount of trouble for people. (I remember one time, since I live on the second floor, I was weighing jumping out the window but decided that not only would that likely not flat out kill me but that we live right near this tiny playground our complex has and I was like okay I don't want to risk a kid coming across me and getting traumatized or anything. Also had a serious discussion with my sister about whether it would be better for her & the family if I died for my body to be found or not.) There were a lot of times when I got up to the edge of taking action, sometimes I would have tried if my body had more energy, and then when I finally did try but stopped myself in time, and... I dunno. Basically, for the longest time I was completely unable to do pretty much anything.

And now, like, I'm getting better at stuff. I can't be anywhere too crowded or without having a way to leave if things get to be too much, but I'm able to drive again, and more than just down the street. I'm able to interact with the world and other people, even though it's still kinda shaky and different. I consistently eat two meals a day, I still fall down multiple times a day but I'm able to go on a full walk around the block, but I'm just... I just find it kinda weird what my brain's doing, like I'm able to take some initiative to connect with other people but it's a lot... shallower on my end, for lack of a better term. I still care about people very much, but the ability to do something about that care is not very strong. Like, gifts, in past years I've put a lot of thought into not just the gift but also like how I'd wrap it and the type of tag and all that, but this year while I still got people gifts, I didn't have the mental energy to put in the thought I'd have liked to. Anyway, I have gotten this far and lack of sleep is catching up to me so, uh, bye.

[medtech-mara]

If you haven't read it, the 1992 Robocop versus Terminator crossover is amazingly batshit. As someone who was pretty unimpressed with Frank Miller's script for Robocop 2 (or at least the comic adaptation of it), I liked it a lot. It actually feels like more than an empty action figure mash-up, but a genuine clash of tones and themes, Miller turning out be suprisingly good at evil AI monologues, and he and Walt Simonson could still comicbook like no one else. It ends in the dumbest and absolute best way it could.

I desperately wish I had the ability to sit and read like I used to. I used to be such an avid reader. I'd read a book a week depending on how much school/work got in the way.

Now I can barely even force myself to read a chapter before bed. I have attempted to force myself back to reading again, by reading my favorite book (which is not at all cyberpunk but is a historical fiction). And I DEVOURED that book, and I started on the Witcher after.... I'm still working thru it and 1Q84, which I have almost completed the whole series of 1Q84, but something got in the way, so i decided to start over a couple years after I put it down.. I'm still working my way thru.

I sometimes get the chance to read peoples Fics if they ask me to read it, but beyond that, I'm busy being a mother and world building... though, maybe I should cut back on my vidja game time for reading instead, but I really need instant gratification these days when I have so little time for me.

Though, I will put it on the list of books I might suggest hubby to put it on the list for Audible and see if thats something we might listen to together.

However if we wanna talk A.I, I can talk about I have no mouth and I must scream?

So FUNNY STORY ABOUT THAT!

I used to get such ANXIETY from Cyberpunk dystopia's or anything to do with robots/tech/a.i rising up, or what the government might do with such things. Like it created a whole existential crisis everytime it crossed my mind, just from "I have no mouth and I must scream." well and an i.t abusive ex

When I tried to watch Bladerunner 2049 for the first time, I couldn't make it past them flying over L.A. The oppressive architect and the darkness of the city, everyone all piled together (i grew up rural). It caused a panic attack, I tuned it off. I ofc have gotten over that, because of Cyberpunk: Edgerunners, somehow, that cured me. Thanks Studio Trigger. 👍🏽

Anyway AM is one evil sick A.I and scared me beyond belief. Still kinda does. He is A.I right?

[one-winged-dreams]

Dropping some 'what do angels dream of' lore that pertains to my insert's weapon.

(this is long as fuck so putting it under a readmore)

SO. My s/i uses a gunblade that's kind of shitty because it was the best I could afford as a 3rd class because my parents disowned me, and I had to fend for myself pretty much. I'm stuck in the vicious cycle of having to keep getting it repaired, so I can't afford a new one because I can't save up BECAUSE THE GODDAMN THING KEEPS BREAKING.

Anyway, I never articulated that Angeal and I actually meet for the first time when I'm assigned with him on a mission as like, assistance. I had advanced from 3rd class to 2nd like, REALLY quickly because, despite my debilitating fear of failure, 2nd class was pretty low-stakes and I'm a damn good fighter.

Anyway, he got to see firsthand how good I am at kicking ass, and for the last fight of the mission, my gunblade breaks AGAIN from the force of the final blow, and I just kinda frown.

And he comes over to commend me on my performance, and I'm like internally screaming because holy shit, I'm getting praised by one of the 1sts, and also he's VERY handsome.

He makes a comment about my weapon, and I'm like, "Um, yeah, it's kind of cheap. I'm gonna have to get it repaired again, I guess."

Angeal will remember this.

Anyway, after a few more assignments, we start like. Getting close. REALLY close. And I'm still using that shitty gunblade over and over again, and it keeps breaking OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

And then one day, during a particularly tough mission, it just absolutely shatters, and the mechanisms all but explode on me. And I'm sitting there holding the hilt of it and thinking about how fucked I am because there's no way I'm gonna be able to buy a new one anytime soon.

This depresses the FUCK out of me because that shitty thing had been with me since my compensation check for joining the SOLDIER program, and I guess I'll have to learn how to use a proper sword again, hopefully a good one isn't TOO expensive.

Anyway, Angeal and I are doing our couple thing, he's trying to cheer me up because, goddamn, I'm bummed the fuck out. And he's like, "You're not nervous about your assignment tomorrow, are you?"

And I'm like, "Of course I am, I haven't used a regular blade since early training, and even then I swapped over to learning to use a gunblade halfway through."

"Hm. That won't do, then, will it?"

And he stands up, and I watch him just kinda walk over to something, he looks back at me and smiles that charming smile and tells me not to look.

And I don't, and I'm confused until he comes back around with the most kickass gunblade I have EVER seen and is just like, "Would this make it better?"

And I'm just sobbing and telling him he didn't need to do that, and he's internally like, 'I don't know what I expected,' but he sits back down and hugs me and tells me of course he didn't, but he WANTED to. Okay, maybe he DID need to, how am I supposed to do assignments if I don't have a proper weapon?

And then he tries to ground me like, "This one probably has more kick to it than your old one, why don't we go to the training room and test it out?"

And we do, and holy shit, he's SO right, but I take it like a champ, and he's so proud of me. so much so that he has to SHOW me how proud he is that i can take to a powerful weapon so naturally

And that thing is my pride and joy for the longest time until the events of Crisis Core and my desertion. Of course I take it with me, it's all I have left of Angeal. When I literally toss it aside while fighting Zack because I'm just so willing to let him kill me, he barely misses and just sticks the buster sword in the ground and grabs me by my shirt and just gives me the most passionate speech ever about how I have to keep living because he and I are the last of Angeal's legacy. And he gets through to me, leaves, tells Shinra he couldn't find me, and then we never see each other again.

And about two years after Zack 😬, I'm still in that little village/town I ran off to, doing work slaying monsters and helping out to the point where 'that guy living out in the woods' is just a positive part of their lives. But Shinra found out there's a rogue ex-SOLDIER there and sends some people to ask questions, and they just keep coming back until I come and kick ass and tell them to leave and never come back. Which obviously does not work, because come on, Shinra's just evil like that. And they keep coming back, and I keep kicking ass until they bring like... IDK, a mech or something and threaten to raze the whole town. And then off I go fighting my hardest, and manage to destroy the thing, but I'm very much injured to the point of near death. And I go to the... town elder or something, idk, and tell him next Shinra shows up, show them that their SOLDIER left for good and it's pointless to keep looking for him here.

And then I present my gunblade and tell him, "Give this to the next person who comes along. Someone who dreams... of an honorable cause."

And then I fuck off back to my little hut in the woods, where Angeal is waiting to take me back to the lifestream, and OH GOD, I'M CRYING, OKAY, POST OVER, YOU'RE FREE TO GO.

WAIT, HOLD ON, NEVERMIND

In a super meta turn of events, I forgot that this is a weapon that my insert for Barret can get in the VII story lmfao.

[thegeminisage]

plan of sitting atop zelda to farm her for parts ruined by 1. i have adhd and to get all my parts would be up to 90 minutes of doing absolutely nothing 2. star fell, had to get it

got lucky! she was really close to the great sky islands so i've gotten back to her by flinging myself off those

oh boy she's taking us through this storm lol

just doing this for an hour seems excruciating. she's been doing it for 10,000 YEARS. i'm gonna kermit

AAAAAUGH another fallen star................this is HORRIBLE i already gave up a naydra opportunity to sit up here! if i go get this one i definitely won't get lucky enough to get back on her back, she's head towards the sparse and UNEXPLORED skies over the gerudo desert so i'd have no way to fast travel back to her...i wish i could leave a medallion on her head

i got another spike so it'll be at least another 10m anyway...might as well go

goodbye babygirl 😢

i got it! AND without the bike lol

i've left epona out forever but right near a stable. felt bad so i let her run on the road to a different stable where i finally boarded her, except first she disappeared for a second?? which was a terrifying little glitch lol

forced my bike into this big cave with me which was good because i got to skip what would have been a very difficult climb in cave-rain

unfortunately even though i was a cheapskate about it i can't get it out of here :( rip. i hate having to spend fans...

a chest ALSO vanished on me :/ weird 1.0 glitches........

i only have one korok seed left in this little area but its next to a lynel :///

might as well try to fight it while i'm here i suppose.........

i actually got him?! man NICE......

even tho lurelin was my fav place from botw (and totk, bc i simply Love The Beach) i feel kinda bad coming here now like let me PAY you for stuff!!! i have moneyyy

but those koroks arent gonna fly themselves.........

awww the skyview tower rito is here. now that i've got them all he gets to get a wife and settle down here lol

ah! the proper heart shaped lake had SO many fairies but i dropped my bike before they loaded and then they loaded as it dropped which ofc scared all of them away :(

ugh my bike despawned AGAIN...............life is so hard all the time

ugh!!!!!!! i thought about going to get that shrine in eventide i missed since i'm sort of in the area but like. i'd have to kill ALL those pirate monsters again. this is why i turn shrines on sometimes. i want them to be a surprise but also missing one like that fucking SUCKS

naydra sighted again, but i feel like i see her a lot around here so i'm passing her up for now. i got shit to do which requires my bike. also the little list i used to know how much stuff i need was on r*ddit and it's shut down now lol so like

ok nvm i got my last seed on this route and she's literally right above me. i'd have to ditch the bike anyways

god i love riding dragons. can't wait until i can do this with farosh

i think she's about to go into the depths...maybe i'll see if i can stay on and go with her lol

oh maybe not...she's going sharply upward suddenly

girl where are we GOING???

oh no i think this may be it, she's descending again and there's a chasm ahead...

OHHH there's zelda in the distance :( i can't go to her now!!! i might literally not be able to lol, she's not near anything. but i really wanna see if naydra will go into a chasm while i'm on her back...

i climbed a spike to be sure i wouldn't fall off lol

OHHH THIS IS LITERALLY IT SHES GOING DOWN

and the kakariko chasm too! i haven't dove in here yet...

just realized she's going to be an eternity getting to the bottom. it takes ME forever falling at maximum velocity

still cool af tho

oh, i haven't been down this chasm but i have explored and lit up the world beneath it lol. let's see which direction she goes ig

I SEE A LIGHTROOT FROM HERE........i'm not ready to leave her yet tho. if i'm really lucky she'll take me right to it

there's an area, which tbh i'm just as happy to pass over for now...and a yiga hideout!! and we are literally going in the right direction. so cool.

ok bestie this is my stop! ugh i just realized i took video in the chasm but now when we went through it...whatever

i'm glad zelda doesn't come down here. poor girl.

i used the springs here and there were so many i sprung myself up to the ceiling lol

i see a flux construct and a lightroot. i could go down and fight it but that would make getting the lightroot much harder unless i spent fans on a bike.......

fuck it ig

easy peasy! i havent fought one of these guys in awhile and i'm pleased to see how much easier it's become

oh duh. i can just fast travel back to the lightroot i just got. i don't have to climb lol

oh COOL i'm just in time to see naydra exit the chasm!

this is such a fun little lightroot trail. every time i get to one another pops up. i actually see TWO from here. they're so addictive...

omg you can fuse stuff to the master sword 😭 i was out of weapons to fuse this flux heart thingy to and i tried and it worked but it is SO UGLY :( im so sorry fi

i am near the spring of wisdom i think!! im gonna ignore this lightroot (HARD.......) and see if there's a poe statue guy there

...i think i flew right into it. i cheated by checking my interactive map lol

oh no just kidding i was climbing to the ceiling! i flew OVER it. anyway i got there

DARK!!!

HOOD!!!

GIRL YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM DARK LINK AT LAST

dark link my beloved.......................................

onto this last lightroot and then i'm outta here. too bad i didn't collect any zonaite...

oh good god. im on top of a mountain which means valley down here. UGH i have to climb

no way. bike time. this is what it's for.

lol and meanwhile i pass a monster camp with zonaite and can't be assed to get off the bike. and i've just seen ANOTHER lightroot. we are in hell

ok yeah i've had enough. i don't see anymore lightroots, i'm getting out of here. even though i REALLY need zonaite.

GOD i love dark link armor...night speed UP babey. i only wish u could upgrade it (monkeys paw activates and i have to fight hands to do so)

i basically only have 3 areas left on the right side of the map - lanayru which i do not wanna do bc i hate the snowy mountain and the waterway makes me nervous, and the zora area, and death mountain. and i guess the tingle islands so that's technically 4

gonna start w the zora area tomorrow unless a different mood strikes me - there's a shit ton of caves and seeds i missed all clustered together that will be easy to knock out

for now tho bed. sorry for anyone scrolling past this i did the whole day in one post lol

[akash1618]

10 feb. monday

got 333, and then 312 in the morning.

sm traffic. reached office at 10:15.

boring day. work isn't exciting. but glad to at least have something on my plate. bad days when i sit idle.

umm, saw her through the glass, walking. the only good thing in the day is seeing her, and using pinterest to create boards. idk what she wore, seemed something like black? here i was thinking she wasn't wearing anything black from days haha. wear whatever you wish madam. (lol, it wasn't black. i found out in the evening.)

lunch time, came so quickly. the new sales intern was joining us from today. she was up for lunch as well. everyone had done eating. three coworkers left. two interns, and two coworkers were staring at me eating. some were making jokes. i insisted them to leave, but they weren't leaving. they were perhaps thinking that they were being respectful by sitting with me, but i was consistently asking them all to leave. the new intern was forcing her talks on me, trying to pull my leg; but i was replying politely. i could barely swallow my food. i was feeling uncomfortable. she was in a way dominant, and i was hating every second of sitting there. everyone, except one senior coworker who always sits with me, was making me uncomfortable. i finally pulled out my last resort of closing the tiffin before i was done eating. this forced them to leave.

everything felt so pathetic.

post-lunch. work and work. the senior coworker said that i look like an easy target because i look like a tired person who has lost everything. frankly dude, sm on point. idc much about grooming myself. i do the basic hygiene, dress fair enough, use a perfume and that's that. mother has taught - to always be presentable, and moreover be clean and tidy. nobody likes a dirty person. this is the only thing i care about the most at times, to just be presentable. so i try only to be presentable enough.

time went in a snap. it was evening. snacks time.

went to the canteen. ordered a fruit plate - just watermelon and papaya.

kinda sad because i didn't get to see her throughout the day. but hey, it's still better than friday in a way because on that day, the 1.13 was closed. i have been more busier with work, so i don't find much time to go outside as well.

sunny told the sde intern girl that I like a girl from our office. man, just why in the world? it's barely a week since you've met that girl, and you go on to reveal my secrets?

intern's first question was - "have you spoken to her?" nice guess. no i havent. why? she's from a different company and i don't have the skills to have small talks. and then next, comes up with some "tricks" on how i could talk to her. i was so embarrassed all the time during having my snacks as well.

tricks were so funny and cheesy, i must log them haha. one was - go near her, check out what's she eating, and ask her "hey what are you eating. i want to order the same, so just asking." another was - "hey, i'll befriend her and then you be friends with her." umm, ok. do these work actually? i highly doubt.

intern asks again why i haven't talked to her. i wish i could explain how much i wish to talk to her. idk how and what. i also don't know how she'll respond. also, i go blank whenever she's around.

we came down.

and then next, the thing i was afraid of the most. intern now wants to see her. oh sis please no. i outright denied.

later, when i was returning from the washroom, i saw her. she didn't wear black, but rather it was a maroon. i adore her.

i went back to fill my water bottle at the dispenser. she was now near the vending machine.

i have been unable to figure out how tumblr works. even if i set the date and time of the posts, it gets posted to the current time. i then have to go and set the time again to 11:30. yo, i just set you, how come do you ask me again sir?

even two of my entries were public. ig it's because i edit my entries multiple times when they are in my draft.

but i like tumblr because i can backtrack posts and also edit my previous entries.

but there's no option to mass edit posts on mobile, so i need to switch to my laptop to make published posts private. i can't do it regularly. might have to do on weekends. haha, so now my logs will be public for a week if i don't take a look? idc, i'll just keep them public.

left office at 9. got 181, and then 410 right away. grateful. halfway through apna sapna money money now. lol, i didn't realise how they had used so many adult jokes. the last i had watched it was years back. kinda feels embarrassing to watch it with parents.

it was teddy day today. coworkers were asking to at least give her a chocolate. and then? then, run away. haha.

they say it's fine to give a chocolate in the valentine's week. idk. idk anything about it. i have a strong intuition that they were fooling around.

[sailorgizmo]

"Every moment in your life is a turning and every one a choosing. Somewhere you made a choice. All followed to this. The accounting is scrupulous. The shape is drawn. No line can be erased."

I've spent my life forgetting and forcing myself to feel less.

I often wonder now how I would have been if I hadn't of fucked us up. How much I just let myself exist if not actively trying to ~not~ exist.

I'm surprised I passed senior year in high school or lived, really. My future was not a thought at all. I wanted to crawl into a hole and fall asleep forever. [That's kinda why I'm letting these thoughts, feelings, urges flow through me because this was an ever-present thought since you left and years after].

I was barely alive if you could call it that during the beginning of the end. I stopped drawing, reading, eating, sleeping..more and more and more. I wanted to fade into the ether and cease feeling. Become a ghost.

Constantine. Seven. Sailor Moon. Kill Bill. League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. Cruel Intentions. [Why I still say I like a 1960s Jaguar Roadster]

[Yet here I am prodding and prodding myself in all the soft, hurtful spots. Over and over and over, because trully I reveal in the pain and sorrow and excitment. All of it. All different flavors. I think you're the only one who has understood even a bit of that. Not like I let many people close. Loser]

There are no such things as coincidences.

I have to keep repeating this to myself now to help "deal" with these..truths? And yet again, it's your words. Something you talked about a lot.

How many things I haven't done, because I can't stomach not doing them with you. All these truths I'm allowing myself to see now.

I'm crying now because deepdeep deep down in the secret pits of me, I know I stopped living after losing you, and I never got back up.

I scrambled and went to college because my parents pushed; I guess thinking I'd get better living away from home. I started in chemistry...are you surprised? Still still.

[All these realizations have put me in a tail spin. I did not think these things then. I had to keep you away from my thoughts, or I'd stop moving and let the earth eat me whole.]

I couldn't do it without you. I was still too in my despair. That was just me at this point. I met people and tried to do the thing. I made connections, but nothing stuck. I wouldn't let myself get close again like that.

I'd find myself looking at her page posting photos of you and her far away from here. Then the spiral. This only happened a handful of times before I forced myself to stop. College allowed me to hurt myself more than I could previously. No one watching or caring. I was just a ghost.

I looked around, seeing all the other people being able to just...~do the thing~ and I never could. Letting myself examine this in a more open sense, I know now it's because I didn't want to live in any way, yet I guess I couldn't just sit and let the earth take me. I let myself die back in high school. Oh, the human capacity for hope. Foolish, foolish hope.

"I'd prefer not to."

I threw myself into others and tried to make myself just..live? I stopped even seeing your face. I don't remember your voice. *sobs*

I am not sad she told herself for that is the worst thing for others to know you are sad.

Until she contacted me in the aftermath. Telling me that you'd come back home. Back to our state. You guys were over and *only* a handful of the horrid things you put her through.

I commiserated.

I could recall more back then. I'm not saying I'm looking on the past with rose colored frames. Just..some of my more prominent memories aren't the bad ones. The ending yes..but before? Eh. I know there was, but I can't remember much.

*time and active forgetting*

I can't remember your voice. i cant remember your voice..

You used to tell me stories all the time because I asked, pleaded, begged. Just talk to me. Just talk to me.

Would you could you do me a kindness? Oh, the things you didn't realize you'd miss a lifetime ago. Or am I just an overfeeling nostalgic fool?

I read a book a few months ago, and it makes me think of you. ~gone to see the river man~

"It puts the lotion on the skin, or else it gets the hose again."

Maroon/Blue

[oddi-verse]

I got a lot to get through so let's go one by "one"

in order it will be: Dexter The system (Perry, Lionson, Turtle Master, Andrew, spoilers: Persephone, Void, Maniac) Yuuki Gikai Augustus

Dexter hates driving in the snow and his Vigilante outfit doesn't provide a lot of warmth when on patrol. though he can appreciate it when in down time and warm quote: "It would be better if it did not have to be cold for it to snow.."

the system generally really like it. all for their own reasons. Perry is the only one who doesn't like it cuz it slows him down. he can't run errands without snow slowing him down. and he's not really one to stop and smell the roses. quote: "mmaann stop being cold already!! I have shit I needa do and this snow and ice is slowing me down!!" Lionson enjoys the peace that is creates, and it gets him paid more in his construction freelancing. quote: "it's real pretty. and if nothing else I get paid more when I'm doin under the table work.- wait don't tell Dexter it's under the table.." Turtle Master loves looking at the snow. just sitting and watching it makes him feel very peaceful. quote: "I'm just... gonna sit... and watch.. the snow.... Brew me some tea.. or hot cocoa.. and watch.." Andrew feels so little care for snow. he doesn't like or hate it.. he spends most of his time in his lab with no windows so he doesn't really interact there. quote: "wait is it snowing? shoot I guess I needa send Perry to get my supplies earlier today- wait it's not snowing?? then why the fuck you asking me about snow?! get outta here!" (this question was asked in July.) the rest of the system characters haven't been introduced so spoilers: Persephone loves to explore outdoors and appreciates all kinds of weather in nature because she likes to just watch as nature grows and changes around her Quote: "oh- it's pretty! people don't recognize the sort of beauty that can come from a snowy forest.. the slightly foreboding feeling is so nice to see and feel.." Void loves the snow. he loves the silence that accompanies a snowy landscape. it lets him feel like himself. quote: "huh? me? not Maniac or- oh okay.. uh.. I like it. it's quiet. makes me feel like I'm allowed to actually be myself for once. which... isn't very common." Maniac couldn't care less about snow. he'll keep on keeping on with what he's doing in that moment no matter what the weather is. though he does like pranking Andrew by getting naked in the snow then forcing him out quote: "what? why would I care?! Dex won't spar with me in the cold but Augustus or Yuuki might. there's no weather I really care about. everything kinda gives me a different challenge.. I like finding ways around those challenges... though on slow snow days I'll pull some deviousness with Drew"

Yuuki likes the snow. it's pretty and reminds her of Asuna. as well as the fact that her Spark keeps her warm well enough Quote: "oh the cold weather doesn't really bother me so I just really like how pretty it is"

Gikai's robot body computer systems are protected from the water and the cold keeps the robot bodies running longer without having to refuel as often. Quote: "I like the snow. helps keep me going for a longer time.. pretty? I mean I guess so but you can only see so many 'pretty' videos of something before being oversaturated in it, y'know?"

Augustus likes the snow as much as any weather. he uses it as a weapon to fight and when it's snowing out his non-lethal attacks are much stronger. so he appreciates that much. quote: "awe who put you up to asking me this? Dexter? Persephone?? Logan? eh whatev's, doesn't matter.... my Snow and ice abilities with my Spark are strengthened when it's snowing so I can take people down without hurting them easier.. but I don't really care much for any particular weather... 'pretty'? m8 I do not careee. it's just a part of the sky. I see snow every day when I'm flying. it's just another thing."

how does your oc feel about snow?

[httpiastri]

Hiii Love!

Gosh, I haven't been here in a while! I hope your doing good!

I actually managed to watch the race last Sunday, which is the first race I have watched since the summer break. That's so crazy 🙈 but I am just trying to get the most of the nice weather before it just starts to rain all the time here.

I am so so happy about choosing to do the year abroad, and even though sometimes there are harder days (like when my au pair kids do the opposite of what I tell them to do) and it gets frustrating, I love this work and the country and the kids of course! One of them was all cuddly today and didn't wanna stop hugging me 🥰

But the race was so good! Even though I am very... unsure what to think about Carlos as a person, I love love love Carlando and the teamwork at the end of the race was everything!! Gosh, I was so nervous!

I was planning on watching the race on Sunday as well, because it's early in the morning before I could go out, but now it turns out I am going out the night before and won't be home till 3 am 🙈 I really don't think I'm gonna be able to keep my eyes open to watch or even get up. How did I do this back home??

I don't know if I missed anything because I haven't read all of the asks, but did you come to a decision about your University? Just if you wanna talk about it :)

Also, I read that you were struggling a bit about a writer's block and I just wanna say that just starting is the most important thing, even if it might be absolute bullshit! You can always improve it later! Hope it resolves itself soon and you have more time to write as well!!

-✨

hello love! i’ve missed you!! i’ve been doing good, how about you? <33

aw im glad you got to watch the race, it was a good one!! not just the boring old “max verstappen wins by 64 seconds” race 🤭 i’ve been kinda unsure about my feelings about carlos recently too but i can’t say no to carlando, such an iconic and lovely pairing 🥰 just wish it had been swapped around so lando had the win!

but yes you’re right for enjoying the weather and spending time with the kids! i’m really glad you feel like going away to be an au pair is the right thing 🥺 since i work with kids too (they’re probably a bit older than yours, though?…) i really get you, it can be annoying at times but it’s also so much fun. and a cuddly child 🥺😭 that’s so sweet awwww i’m so happy for you about this whole thing 🫶

oh god if you’re up that late then it indeed would be hard to stay awake 😩 good thing you can always watch it later! and i hope you have a great night out 😁😁 idk how i’m gonna survive it either, i really wanna catch up on some sleep this weekend… why couldn’t this weekend be a later race 😔😔

about uni, i ended up not going and instead i’m taking a course in journalism at another university! it’s only once a week though, so i’ve been working these last few weeks. first time i’ve ever worked an actual 9-5 job for more than like two days 😵 i’ve done so many other types of work but this is new territory. it’s quite alright so far! the only problem being that i never fall asleep until 1am at the earliest, so i never get a lot of sleep :/ well well!

you’re very right, always when i get a block i just sit down and force myself to write either way. i have barely had any time at all to write these last few weeks tho so i haven’t gotten around to doing it. i did manage to sit down last night though and had a good writing moment! but it was at 2am so my work today is going to suffer from it 🥲 thank you love!

i hope you have a great weekend sweetheart 🥰🥰

[aimfor-theheart]

ooh, i'd love to hear more about your opinions on trigun once i make it through both properties! but for the moment -pulls up a chair and sits down- okay buckle up cielo

i guess to start, i do agree even without seeing the remake yet, 90s anime have a certain charm to them that modern anime just doesn't have! beautiful art style, animation, intricate backgrounds and unique designs etc

unfortunately, i dont have the love for space westerns that you do, and i think that bit me in the butt in terms of engagement at first LOL i skimmed through the first 4 episodes before something about episode 5 kinda hit me and i forced myself to sit through all 4 episodes again properly. the most slowest of plot burns. im dying, im begging for scraps. (episodic episodes, my hell, my nemesis)

BUT what really tides me over is the characters!! vash as the forefront, is of course, the most soggiest man i've ever met. he's so goofy and the show loves to use him physical slapstick humor (which can be a bit much for me) but it sharply contrasts his more serious moments. hes also very intelligent?? like he's so silly but also highly competent when the situation calls for it, and also very observant. he's a funny lil guy. but also he's fucked up i bet.

like sometimes there are just such juicy little nuggets of characterization when characters actually talk to each other that i just have to sigh and follow the trail and see where it leads me

there's a moment between wolfwood and vash that just stops me in my tracks because it's so. humanizing and quiet and Good. Vash watches Wolfwood do an act of genuine kindness when at first he appeared as some lackadaisical, salespriest and vash just smiles watching it and wolfwood immediately clocks him and says he's surprised vash /could/ grin so genuinely, because the rest of the time his smiles are so empty behind the eyes. Vash is a person who hides a lot of pain and struggle behind a veneer of cheer.

ALSO, about Wolfwood!!! yes okay, i have to say, i've SEEN the wolfwood in stampede and im so mad. they gave him a nose job!!! i hate that, i love his big ol honker!!! bring it back

okay i have to end it here or i'll go on forever, overall, i wouldn't personally have gravitated towards trigun by myself, BUT i am having fun, i love the characters, and im desperate for more plot

was so happy to see your ask with more of your thoughts 💕

okay that's fair!! space westerns are very Niche in some ways. and also episodic storytelling is like...a dead artform atp lol. i feel like we haven't seen it in awhile!! i personally have a sense of nostalgia for it and actually really enjoy it! i watched cowboy bebop recently too and...i think it just reminded me of how good episodic storytelling can be. but i get it can be slow!! esp nowadays when we're used to almost cinematic/film storytelling? i feel like tv shows now are like really long movies just broken up a little. cowboy bebop took me a second to get into too because i also was like....oh episodic storytelling you slowpoke.

but god yes THE CHARACTERS. vash especially. what an incredible main character. i love his lil slogan ab himself lol a stoic peaceful gunslinger searching for the allusive mayfly of love or whatever it is. he's just wonderful to watch!! and honestly i really love meryl too. i like this iteration where shes got a bit more sass and bite than the new one. i get her motivations have changed between og and the new one so her attitude might too but. i really like og meryl right now.

and that moment between wolfwood and vash is such a good one!! honestly they have a lot of really wonderful interactions. really enjoyed the interactions between wolfwood and millie too. i think part of the reason i love and miss episodic storytelling/tv shows is because it allows a little more room for character/relationship building, you know? i think the og does a really nice job of it.

new wolfwood they just....kinda botched. especially in the appearance department. give him his nose!! don't make him look so pretty!! wtf is that outfit!!

well thank you for your thoughts friend!! and im glad you are enjoying trigun!!! you'll have to update me on your thoughts as you continue to watch!!