#I kind of regret not bringing my laptop but I did write myself a lot of notes | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

simpsiren · 4 years ago

Text

lee taeyong x reader

description. I liked Lee Taeyong. A lot. And with every book I gave him, whatever purposes, I hid a love letter in between its pages. After all this time, I still wonder if Taeyong has yet to read even one of them.

Tsundoku— buying books and not reading them; letting books pile up unread on shelves, floors, or nightstands.

genre. fluff, angst, love letters!au, friends to lovers!au, one-sided love! au, bartender!taeyong, university student!reader

word count. 12.4k~

warnings. none!

a/n. was randomly scrolling through printerest when i found this word and suddenly this idea popped up in my headd. i had to change the meaning of the word so tha itll fit the story line better but the overall meaning is the same sooo. anyways that’s all i got for you now please enjoyy!

Books. An interest both Taeyong and I shared since college. Though our interest laid in the same object, our uses for it were far from the same. For me, it’s for reading. Like how it should be used, its main purpose. Like any other bookworm, constantly having my head shoved in romance or fantasy novels. Taeyong on the other hand, he... he uses it as decoration. Something that to him, should be kept on shelves, unread for display purposes.

I got to find out quite quickly that it was a habit for him to collect books that had nice spines just so he could place them on his shelves. I’ve been to his home once. One entire wall was just shelves filled with books. It was aesthetically pleasing indeed, but it disappointed me that he didn’t even bother to read a single one. So we made an agreement that I’d read his books. If he were to buy a new one, he’d let me read it first before tucking it away to never be pulled out again. I guess that’s why my friendship with him worked so well.

Taeyong decided to work as a bartender after college while I, went to pursue my studies with university. Should say that I regretted that on-impulse decision of mine nowadays.

It’s Friday. I just got out of university, at one in the morning. What an ungodly hour, considering that my classes started at nine this morning. I agreed to meet Taeyong at his bar. Luckily for me, the distance between school and the bar wasn’t far. Taeyong took me as a factor into consideration while trying out jobs around the school’s area, just so he’d get to meet me more often. That, was one of the million reasons why I fell for him.

I dragged my feet across the side walk, the screeching of my boots scraping against the rough surface. As much as I tried to hold up my posture during my long trip there (it felt like I’ve been walking forever when really, it has only been ten minutes), my back slowly slouched with each step till I was fully slouching. The extremely poor and back paining kind. Can’t blame me. University is mentally draining, but physically as well, having to walk to different classes constantly that’s being situated on opposite ends of the facility. It’s a workout.

I looked up to take a breather, seeing the glowing sign above the bar. I gazed down, to the glass windows, noticing how there was a lot of people in there. Well, it’s a Friday night afterall. I placed my free hand onto the door’s handle, pushing it open and entering.

Classical music played in the background. People’s murmurs could be heard as they had their own conversations. The place was dimly lit with an orange hue; a calming atmosphere. I went right up to the bar, getting on an empty cushioned stool and adjusting my butt onto it. I looked around the area. Taeyong wasn’t to be seen. I only assumed that he was making drinks.

I took out my book from my tote bag, flipping to the page where I folded it’s edge to continue where I left off. I was already two third done with it. And I was determined to finish it by Monday just so that I could get a new book to read.

My head was faced down, eyes scanning each sentence as I blocked out the entire world, putting myself in my own little bubble as I imagined myself in the story’s plot, too immersed to give a single care for my surroundings.

Suddenly, a hand appeared beside me, tapping its knuckles against the wood to get my attention. I lifted my eyes up, seeing Taeyong standing in front of me. White button up shirt, three buttons unhooked, revealing the slightest bit of his collarbones in a way to tease you and having the urge to see them fully. Black dress pants with a belt that cinched on his waist, framing his lower body beautifully.

“Literally called you from two steps away and you didn’t hear any of it.” Taeyong leaned against the counter, elbows supporting him as his face got close to mine. “I was busy.” I said, lifting up my book slightly. “You done with that? I need to put a new book on the shelve soon. It bugs me that there’s an empty spot.” Taeyong shivered as he mentioned that, making me chuckle softly.

“By Monday, I promise.”

“Need anything to drink? You look worn out.” Taeyong eyed me up and down. I probably looked terrible since Taeyong scrunched up his nose and shook his head. “You know I don’t drink. I mean I can, but it’s still the school term. I can’t afford getting off track by anything.”

Taeyong breathed a short laugh in response. “Ah of course. Didn’t you say you wanted to dropout just yesterday?” Taeyong looked up for a moment before bringing his eyes back down on me with a teasing gaze. My mind went back to yesterday when I texted Taeyong a long ranting paragraph about how stressed I was this week. I frowned. “Should I?”

Taeyong bobbed his shoulder. “It’s up to you. But I sincerely think you should. I mean look at you.” He added a light scoff at the end, his hand going up and down in front of me. “I’m just worried.” He proceeded to shift his weight form one leg to the other, sliding his fingers into the pocket of his pants. I felt his sense of sincerity, invariably imbued. Another reason why I fell for him. He’s always caring, too caring for his own good, especially towards me.

“Will think about it.” I mumbled, taking note of my book’s page number since I was too lazy to fold it before closing and shoving it back into my tote bag. “Anyways, when are you getting off work?”

Taeyong turned around to grab something. I realised it was his wallet and phone as he shoved the wallet into his back pocket and kept his phone in his hand. “Right now.” He flashed his smile. The signature smile. One he has on ninety percent of the time, at least around me. It was unique. A smile that only suited him and not anyone else. He owned it . Like he should. Yet another reason why I fell for him.

I got off the stool as he went around the counter that had the space in between for staffs to pass through. “Want me to drive?” He asked as we made our way to the door. I shook my head. “You had a long day. Just go home.” I kindly rejected. I bowed my head as he opened the door for me. A gentleman; adding onto the long list.

“You had an even longer one. I don’t care. It’s late too. I can’t let you walk home alone.” I laughed weakly, waiting for him outside as he closed the door. As we make our way to Taeyong’s car, he whispered, “Sleep straight when you get home, okay?” He opened the car door for me. I nodded, “Yes father.” I dragged on.

The car ride home was silent. Completely silent. There wasn’t even music playing in the background. I had my eyes fixed on the view out of the window, too scared to look at Taeyong as I can’t bare to look at him long enough before I melt on sight.

My apartment came to view after the many trees and street lights we drove past. The car pulled to a halt and I turned to Taeyong, who was suddenly up close to me, one hand looming over my chest as he reached for the seatbelt. I possibly stopped breathing. His eyes looked into mine, expressionless. I couldn’t even blink I was that shocked. “Sorry. I thought you were sleeping.”

Taeyong pulled back to his seat. I exhaled sharply. I looked to the seatbelt. He didn’t unbuckle it. I huffed quietly and did it myself, sliding my tote bag onto my shoulder. “Remember. Sleep right away.” He advised a second time as I make my way out of the car, slamming the car door shut.

Before I turned around, he rolled down the window, leaning forward slightly. “And my book!” He shouted. I placed two fingers up my head and pointed it back at it as a way to say, “Yes sir.” Before swirling around and walking away, his car’s engine starting up and driving away. The noise was quick to get muffled and go away as he drove further out of the neighborhood.

The hours of studying I had to do at home went by quick. Before I even knew it, I didn’t sleep that night at all. Unfortunately, I didn’t listen to Taeyong. I had assignments to complete by Monday for God’s sake. I’ve come to terms with the fact that the number of times I’ve pulled all-nighters are now inhumane.

I checked the time on my clock. 5:05AM. I sighed, looking across my study table that’s pilled with worksheets and my opened laptop. I nodded my head as I made the mental decision of finally cleaning up as I rechecked to see if I’ve left any work undone before beginning to stack the papers and shoving them into my tote bag. The only thing left on the table was a stack of decorative papers, with beautiful outlines of red roses around the edges.

I slid one paper off the stack, placing it in front of me. I grabbed a random pen from my organiser, clicking it as I swirled it around, trying to figure out what to write.

Hey taeyong. This is my 127th love letter, confession letter, whatever you would call it. I’m not sure if you’ve read any of them. My last note was in ‘It Ends with Us’. I find that you aren’t giving any reaction or anything. I know you don’t read the books but do you even bother flipping through its pages for the letter to fall out? I’m still hoping you’d at least open this one. Please. I’ve been waiting for ages. For you. I like you, Lee Taeyong, for the 127th time.

I placed my pen back to where it belonged before holding the note in my hand, lifting it up to my face. I bit my bottom lip before opening my book, randomly opening a page and placing the note in, making sure it’s secured before putting that into my tote bag as well. Too lazy to even get into my bed, I fell asleep uncomfortably at the table.

It was now Sunday. I almost forgot the fact that I’m meeting Taeyong today to pass him the book, which to be honest, I didn’t finish. The book was boring. It was like those books that you force yourself through so you wouldn’t feel the regret of buying it. Though I used Taeyong’s money, I still felt bad for leaving it unread. I wasn’t like Taeyong at least.

While thumbing through my closet to find something to wear after showering, my eyes stopped at the sweater that Taeyong borrowed me not too long ago because I was dumb enough to meet him at two in the morning without a jacket. I was frozen stiff due to the cold.

Absentmindedly, I took it off its hanger and brought it close to my chest, dipping my head down as I deeply inhaled, Taeyong’s scent was still on there. I put it on and continued getting ready.

Just when I was done placing my valuables in my sling bag, the doorbell rang. Thinking it was the mailman, I rushed to the door with immense speed. I opened the door forcefully. But instead of the mailman, I was met with Taeyong standing in front of me. We locked eyes for a split second, which made my heart leap. I then eyed him up and down. He was wearing his usual all black outfit. Shirt, jeans, and boots. I liked how the plain and simple outfit was able to cup his body well, accentuate all his body features. It always made me swoon for him.

“What are you doing here?” I noticed how Taeyong kept eyeing his sweater that’s on me despite his attempts at trying to remain eye contact with me. “I thought of just letting you give me the book now and spend the day here. Can I?” No wonder he wore a regular outfit.

“So I dressed up for nothing?” I feigned my exasperation, folding my arms as I cocked an eyebrow, huffing ever so softly. Taeyong followed my poster one on one. “And wearing my sweater is called dressing up? How lovely.” It was now his turn to fire back, which made me frown. “Whatever.” I gave in, turning around to head back to my room.

I heard the door closing as Taeyong’s footsteps were quick to follow closely behind, maybe due to the large steps he took with his long legs. As I entered my room, Taeyong lets out a hum of satisfaction. “Your shelve’s looking good. More full than last time.” He complimented. I took a seat at the study table as he made his way to seat at the edge of my bed. “Mhm.” I softly answered.

With the remembrance of what he came here for, I grabbed my tote bag and fished out for the book. I then toss it onto the bed beside Taeyong, not speaking a word as I jerked my head to it. “Thanks. You read fast.” Taeyong held the book in his hand. Open it, open it. Oh God why can’t he just find the damn note I placed there?

“No I don’t. It’s just that the book was extremely boring for my liking.” I stated, matter-of-factly. Taeyong examined the book, quickly turning it over to read the synopsis. “Ew.” He mumbled.

“It was only good at first. The ending sucked.” I added on to my complains. “By the way...” Taeyong trailed on. I wonder what he wanted to ask. Was it something about the book? About the notes?

“I’ve been thinking I should read one of the books.” I folded my arms with arrogance, slouching into the chair as I tilted my head, the side of my lip lifted up slightly. “So after more than four years I was able to reel you in to read your first book?” I questioned, sounding smug.

Taeyong let out an annoyed ‘tsk’. “I find ‘If I never met you’ interesting, okay? Let me be.” Taeyong pouted and folded his arms, turning his head away from my direction. I stood up, walking to the bed and plopping myself down which made the two of us bounce up and down of a moment. “It’s cute how you’re a newbie to reading.” I made up an excuse when really what I found cute was how Taeyong acted. It made me blush a bright pink. It was probably extremely noticeable when Taeyong suddenly mentioned, “Did I make you so proud that you’re now blushing?” Taeyong teased, a giggle following after.

“Oh shut up.”

Lee Taeyong. This is the 128th letter. I still remember the first one I wrote. Feeling so hopeful and acting like a little girl that’s too shy to confess up front. I’m still like that. Yet to physically hint at you about my feelings. I can only express them like this, through notes that could all end up being meaningless if you’ve never looked at them. I’ll come by your house today. I’ll probably slide it in between books instead of pages. I long for your love, the kind that’s much more than that of a friend. I’ve been holding on for so long. Perhaps too long. But it’s okay, you’re Lee Taeyong. I won’t let the feelings I’ve bottled up for years go to waste. I’ll do something... soon. Yes, soon.

Later that day, I made my way to Taeyong’s house. I asked him to stay at home so that I could surprise him by coming over. But the reaction that I expected from him was way too predictable.

“You could’ve just told me to pick you up!” Taeyong whined. There he goes again being way too caring. Stop it. It’s hurting me.

“It’s not that troubling to travel, Yong. Calm the heck down! It’s really nothing.” I shouted back, reassurance being imbued into each word. He made way for me to enter. And as I did, I walked slowly, long strides to the living room where the large bookshelf was placed. The one that covered the entire wall. Well, almost, since he made space for the television. Other than that, it was just books surrounding it.

“Wait.” I turned around sharply. I realised that my sudden action made Taeyong stop in his tracks instantly. But he was close to me. Way too close for my own good. We stayed there for a moment, exchanging blank stares while I took the time to remember this moment; my heart stopping, his tall figure looming over me, his eyes looking into mine as if he’s trapping me in his gaze. Moments like these happen often. And I’d often take the time to remember them, shoving them into a mental folder called ‘Head over heels for TY’.

“Sit down. I’ll... get the cheesecake.” Taeyong was the first to back out, taking a step away from me and chuckling awkwardly. He quickly turned away after avoiding my eyes and rubbing the back of his neck. He looked nervous. But why? If I have seen it correctly, it looked like his cheeks were ever so slightly red as well. What even...

I shook my head vigorously, throwing those thoughts out of my mind. I sat down on the brown leather couch, leaning back and allowing my body to sink into it. Somehow, the thoughts crept back in. I thought about how what I observed just now could not have been real. It’s Lee Taeyong. Hundreds of girls are always hitting on him at the bar during his shift. He might even be seeing someone. Wait why am I even saying that to myself? I’d end up feeling jealous with no real reason. Great, you’re a dumb one indeed.

I felt Taeyong’s weight beside me. I looked up from the table, realising now that I was in a trance of my own thoughts, and to the cheesecake that he placed down. He leaned forward to cut a slice, placing it on a small plate as he placed the fork down beside it and handed it to me. “Here. Bought it especially for your brain recovery, and cravings. You’re period came, right?”

My eyes widened. My brows furrowed and got closer to each other as I backed my head away in surprise. “How’d you even know?” I asked shockingly. Taeyong lets out a chuckle, bringing his plate up and taking a bite. “I know you long enough to know that your period’s consistent and is usual around this time. But I was just taking my chances. I know you’d still eat the cheesecake either way.” Taeyong flashed a cheeky smile.

I knew he was extremely considerate towards me. He’d always advise me to take breaks, giving me a shoulder to lean on when I need rest, coming over to comfort me till sunrise whenever I texted him a ‘feel depressed lmao.’ He’s always on standby, ready to assist me when I need him, for whatever reason. Even if he wasn’t there, he was somehow able to choreograph his silent dance of support. But I never knew he was this meticulous to take note of my habits, my favourite food and even my period. He knew everything about me at the back of his hand. He really does make me feel some type of way. Perhaps a feeling far beyond love. An unknown feeling that only I could experience since it’s Taeyong. It’s always him. Always have been, and always will be.

I grabbed a big bite, scooping it in my mouth and moaning out dreamily, letting myself sink into the cheesecake and its flavours like a bath. “Fuck this is good. Where’d you get it?” I questioned with immense curiosity. I was genuinely curious. Because I’d love to get more.

Taeyong raised both his brows, his lips forming a thin line as he gave a slightly awkward or nervous cheeky smile. I couldn’t quite tell. “I made it.” He whispered. “No way!” I instantly take another bite, this time with Taeyong in mind. I mean, he already was from the moment he gave me the plate, but with now knowing that he was the one that made it? It suddenly tasted a thousand times better.

“Fucking bake more! Why haven’t I known that you can bake?!” I screamed with excitement. I finished the first slice, now on my way to tackle a second. Taeyong laughed hilariously at my reaction. “Is it that good? It’s my first time trying the recipe.”

“I know you cook like you’ve cooked for me many times but what the heck you should to do this more often. I’d eat it whole.” I squealed as I savoured the cheesecake’s flavours.

“If it’s for you then I’d gladly do it.”

Once again I felt the kindness and love through his voice and tone that’s ever so sweet and gentle. I’d imagine that this was how angels sounded like. Taeyong has always been able to put me at instant peace with just his words alone. Be it through the phone or in person. I always felt calm and protected.

It amazed me just what love could do to you. Everything they do now seemed perfect and beautiful, you blind yourself with their beauty and everything that’s good in them. In Taeyong’s case, I’ve never seen the bad side of him, shockingly enough. I’ve been friends with him for more than five years yet there wasn’t any argument between us that made a major impact on our relationship, if you don’t count those when I wouldn’t talk to him for only one day but we’d be able to act normal after.

We ended up spending the evening watching Netflix. We’ve been through two movies now. The cheesecake was now fully finished as well, down to its crumbs. “Want me to cook dinner?”

“I’m fine with anything.” I blinked my eyes once and a soft smile appeared on my lips. Taeyong hummed softly and nodded his head as he made his way to the kitchen, the sound of his slippers can be heard as he shuffled away.

I laid down on the couch, using my phone. A thought suddenly popped in my mind. I instantly peeked my head above the back rest, seeing Taeyong’s back in view as his body swayed slowly by the stove. His sleeves were rolled up to his elbows. He ran a hand through his hair. How can a man look this... amazing. I can’t think of any other ways to describe Taeyong at that moment. Boyfriend material? Stunning? Breathtaking? All of the above.

As much as I wanted to stare at his figure, I had another agenda I had to accomplish before getting back to it. I rose from the couch, slowly and quietly, taking the note out of my sling bag. I walked up to the overwhelmingly large bookshelf. I scanned it carefully, trying to figure out where to place it.

“What are you doing?” I turned instantly at Taeyong’s voice. He was a few steps away from me, two plates of pasta in his hands. He turned around to place them on the table.

I took this chance to quickly slide the note into the shelve. One edge of the note was sticking out. Shit. It wasn’t obvious but it’s still there. I didn’t have any time to adjust it when Taeyong faced his body back to me.

“Just looking. The fact that I’ve read all these books... I’m such a bookworm for reading this much.”

“That’s what I like about you.” I was eyeing the pasta when Taeyong blurted that out. It was quick and soft, I couldn’t make out the words. I could only infer. “What?” I asked purposely, just to see if he’ll answer.

“It’s nothing.” Taeyong shoved a spoonful of pasta into his mouth, adverting his gaze on anything else but me.

I thought about how weird he was acting. It’s the first time I’m noticing that Taeyong’s been acting... wary, cautious of his every move around me. Just as I thought about how he’s clueless and delusional about my feelings for him, it could have been the same for me.

Luckily (Thank the Gods kind of lucky), classes ended early today. And Taeyong told me to meet him at his dance studio. For what reason? I wasn’t actually sure. I headed there, passing by the many other practice rooms till I saw the number that Taeyong told me. I opened the door, seeing Taeyong and two other guys I’m unfamiliar with. All of them turned their heads to me in unison, Taeyong blinding me with a bright smile while the others looked to each other with confusion.

“You came!” Taeyong squealed, running up to me and hugging my tightly. He was extremely sweating. I would try to push him away, but he probably wouldn’t let go and let me suffocate. Thankfully, he didn’t and pulled away, grabbing my wrist and dragging me to the other two guys.

“Ten, Mark. This is my friend, _____. I wanted her to come so that we’ll have an audience to show our piece.” Taeyong explained to them freely as he pointed to Ten and Mark respectively, an arm swung around my shoulders. I bowed my head amicably with a smile while they did the same. “You never told me you have a girlfriend, Taeyong.” Ten teased, lightly punching Taeyong’s chest. I couldn’t help but blush a light pink. I swallowed and looked up to him, who had a nervous and shy face on, which I didn’t expect at all.

“We’re best friends, please.” Taeyong denied, no hesitation whatsoever. In my head I wanted to frown but I had to keep a smile on.

“Hey, Ten. Wanna get Starbucks?” Mark suddenly asked, looking at him with a wicked grin as if he’s hinting to Ten about something. Ten was quick to respond, nodding his head with affirmation. “Yeah. I’m thirsty. You should just stay here with her. Need js to get anything?” Ten trailed on while the two of them began to take their wallets out of their bags that were at the back of the practice room.

“You guys are really going all the way to Starbucks that’s a fifteen minute walk from here?” Taeyong asked, extremely shocked. I did walk past Starbucks on my way here, and it is indeed extremely far. What the heck were they trying to do by leaving so abruptly?

“Eh it’s fine. Well we’ll leave you to it! Peace!” And just like that, Ten and Mark have left and it was now just me and Taeyong. The two of us turned to each other and chuckled at the same time. “Come on show me your dance!”

“It’s a duet that I’m doing with Ten. Can’t dance if he’s not here.” I looked up for a moment, thinking. “Dancer by day. Bartender by night. That’s Lee Taeyong.” I spread my hands out with jiggling my fingers as if showing a rainbow and mimicking stars. Taeyong laughed and shoved his hands into his pockets. “Broke university student by day, author by night. That’s _____.”

I looked at him weirdly, eyes narrowing at him as I furrowed my brows. “How am I an author?”

“Eh I just assume you’re one since you’re such a bookworm.” Taeyong fakely rolled his eyes but flashed a cheeky smile after. I smiled back and got closed to him, both hand resting on my hips as I rested my weight on one leg. “So what are we gonna do mister dancer?” I asked with the tone of a child, making me laugh after from how ridiculous I sounded.

Taeyong proceeded to take my tote bag off my shoulder, putting it off to the side with the other bags while he grabbed his phone and went to Spotify. “Let’s dance.” He suggested with confidence. He played a song. It’s one of my favourites. A song that didn’t make me think twice to bob my head to, which I instantly did. “I haven’t danced in years and you know that.”

Specifically, it was six years ago. I used to dance in highschool as extra curricular thing. But in college I started to dance less frequently, and my dance friends and I slowly grew distant. But I was okay with it. I mean, it’s life. The world still had to spin no matter the situation.

“Come on I know you have it in you. Just vibe.” Taeyong swayed his shoulders up and down slowly, grooving to the beat as his whole body began to work its magic, his dancing was at the level of professional ones. I never know why he didn’t want to pursue dance as a career and became a bartender instead.

I slowly moved my body in a weird way. Not dancing for years, your body is bound to be uncomfortable and you’d be looking weird as you move. Which was definitely me. Taeyong laughed at me, making me frown and stopped dancing. He huffed with a smile and held both my hands. Instantly, my legs and body moved in sync with his. It felt amazing dancing with Taeyong. It was fun and carefree. I could dance as stupidly as I want and even though Taeyong could pull off the best dance moves, he’d still choose to dance stupidly along with me. He was able to serve himself as a guidance as I found my groove and vibe that I didn’t have in me for a long time.

When the music stopped, Taeyong’s hands where on my waist, while I had mine on his arms. We turned to the mirror and giggled, throwing out heads back happily.

“You still got it.”

“Make sure to find the ones with pretty spines.”

Taeyong and I decided to head to bookstores today for our monthly book shopping. And while I was carefully reading the synopsis of books that had an interesting title, Taeyong was busy examining their cover pages and the aesthetics, mostly the spine.

“Have you started on the book you told me about?” I asked, flipping the book I just took out to its first chapter to get a feel of the writer’s writing style. “I have, actually.” My head shot to him instantly. He’s read the book. But I remembered putting the note in the back pages of the book. Has he reached there yet? “But I’m a slow reader. And busy. I’m only at the third chapter.”

As much as I was surprised about the fact that he’s speed in reading was extremely slower than what I would consider normal, I couldn’t blame him. He’s body with work most of the time and he has a life to live. Not to mention how it’s the first book he’s actually reading. This is a good example that the gap in terms of our reading abilities are definitely big.

“Liking it so far?” I asked. “Yeah.” Taeyong simply replied as he took a book off the display. “I’m getting this. And these as well.” He giggled like a happy child who’s buying a bunch of toys as birthday present from his parents. He lifted the books up slightly, fiddling around and trying to stack them properly while I closed the book that was in my hands. “I’m just buying this.”

“Seriously? Oh wait nevermind you’re a broke university student.” Taeyong taunted, rolling his eyes. My mouth opened slightly, faking my exasperated as I huffed loudly. “Okay mister bartender. You didn’t have to rub-”

“Oh my God. Taeyong?!”

In unison, the two of us turned around to the noise. A girl was running up to us. The moment she came, she didn’t hesitate to hug Taeyong around his torso. Taeyong chuckled, almost awkwardly and hugged her back.

I took a quick look at them. Their hug made a few things clear to me. One, she’s probably known him for a long time. But if she has, why didn’t Taeyong told me about her before? He shares all his secrets, I pretty much know him from A to Z. So why hasn’t he mention her before? Second, Taeyong was quick to reciprocate the hug, from his awkward form to a loving one. They looked like a couple that hasn’t seen each other in ages; a meaningful reunion.

I wasn’t exactly happy with where this was going. I didn’t like how in an instant, she could simply let herself be in such close proximity with him. I’ve never hugged Taeyong for that long at all. It made me feel a couple of things. Jealousy? Judgmental? Sudden hatred towards her? But why should I? It felt so invalid of me to feel these things.

“It’s been years, Taeyong.” She chuckled happily as they pulled apart. Finally. “Who’s she?” Her finger lifted up to me.

“A friend.” Taeyong answered. Of course, Why did I think I’d be any more than that? Just a friend. We’re just friends. Just.

While they were having a chat about who knows what, I wasn’t exactly paying attention since I simply assumed that it was to catch up with each other. I wondered off to another section of the store. After browsing through a few books, it was then I realised that they weren’t no longer in the store anymore when I got back. They left, Taeyong left. Without telling me. It was my fault for leaving the scene discreetly since I felt like my presence wasn’t needed in their bubble at the time, but why did Taeyong not come find me? Was I... simply forgotten?

I went straight home that day after cashing out the books. I didn’t know where Taeyong went after leaving that that girl, but I didn’t want to act like some busybody who asks something that isn’t her business. I got texts from Taeyong asking if I left yet. Was he planning on returning there after leaving for two hours? He actually expected me to wait. Unbelievable.

After that day, my meetups with him became less frequent. He occasionally replied to my texts. More like one sentence after four or so hours. He still updates his socials. And it was all about her. Photos, videos. They were hanging out together more often. For some reason, it felt like she was a replacement; my replacement. I somewhat distanced myself away from Taeyong thinking, “I assume you don’t need me anymore so I’ll stay out of your way.”

But one day, out of pure curiosity, I decided to follow them to a cafe. Taeyong did text me that he’d be heading there, but I left him on seen. Like I said, I’m slowly removing myself out of his picture.

I sat at the corner of the cafe, black jacket, black cap and large black sunglasses. I looked like a stalker in the eyes of strangers. I mean, I was.

I covered myself further by holding up a book to my face. As I continuously stared at them, I grew bored. Don’t get me wrong, I was feeling negative. I didn’t like how she’s teasingly touching Taeyong’s arm, how they laughed happily together and chatting as if they’re in their own little world. But I started to wonder why I even came here. I did want to see what they’re like. But I’m making myself feel more bad this way.

I decided to write a note. I was done with the book I’m currently holding. All I needed to do was give it to Taeyong. With the note. I took out a random piece of paper from my tote bag, fishing out for a pen as well and began to write.

It’s my 145th letter. Fuck how long am I going to do this? Might sound weird, but I’m currently looking at you. Watching you with her. Why does it feel like you’re happier with her? You’re smiling, laughing more. You’re more brighter. I mean you have always been bright. But you just... radiate differently; a new type of glow I never knew you had. I saw your socials, constantly posting about her. I’m jealous, very. I want to be like that with you. But it just feels wrong, perhaps not right. Like I shouldn’t be craving for you. For your touch, your whispers, giggles. Why do I feel like this? The more you spend time with her, the more I realise that my chances of getting you is slowly slipping away from my grasp. But why can’t I move? Why don’t I want to move? I’m not sure what’s stopping me. And that’s what I’m fearing the most.

I felt my cheeks getting wet. It took me awhile to realise that I was balling my eyes out, slowly and painfully. I took off my sunglasses for a moment to wipe off excess tears before putting them back on. I can’t belive I’m crying. I looked down to the note. A tear fell onto it, a spot crinkled as it left a visible mark of my feelings. Just as I was sniffing, constantly having to wipe my cheeks dry since my tears were getting uncontrollable, I looked out the window. And what stood on the opposite side shocked me.

I knocked on the glass, his head turning quickly. He looked around inside the cafe, not sure of where the signal came from. I knocked once again. He looked down on me and I took off my sunglasses, pulling down my hood.

“Nakamoto Yuta?” I mouthed to him, my lips moving widely so he could read them. His eyes blinked rapidly and he leaned in before widening them after realising who I was. We take a few of the same classes. I see him often in school. But we never really talked. He immediately rushed into the cafe, covering his face as if hiding his identity and running up to my table to take a seat.

“Why were you looking in like some stalker?” I asked, pulling my hood back over my head as I lowered myself, my eyes still fixated on Taeyong.

“You look more like one than I do.” Yuta commented. I notice how he was constantly turning around, specifically to Taeyong’s direction. “You haven’t answered my question.”

“I’m looking at them.” He pointed his finger out ever so slightly. And as I predicted, he was referring to Taeyong and the girl. “You know Taeyong?” I immediately asked, extremely curious as to why he was spying on them just like I was. “No, but I know Jiung.” So that’s her name. Pretty name for a pretty girl. Of course.

“And why are you doing that exactly?” Yuta let out a huff, leaning in with his elbows on the table, his shoulder rising up to his ears. “Because I want to see what they’re on about. I keep seeing her with that Taeyong guy. I like Jiung so I’m jealous.” I puckered my lips and nodded. My face showed as if I shrugged it off. But my mind began turning its gears. So he likes Jiung and he’s jealous of them together? He has the same reason of me coming here as well. What forces swirled around the world for us to come together like this? It’s weird how coincidentally the situation was.

“I actually came for the same reason as you. I like Taeyong, and I’m jealous of Jiung.” I frowned slightly, a sigh leaving my lips. I opened up to him quick about my situation since I felt a sense of similarity with him. He probably wouldn’t remember anyways. It’s not like we’ll be crossing paths in the future.

“Were you crying? Your eyes are hella puffy.” He asked suddenly. I breathed out a laugh awkwardly. I gulped and cleared my throat, thinking that I should shove all my feeling down so I wouldn’t look even more ridiculous in front of Yuta. “Yeah.” I quickly slid the note in between a random page.

“Funny how we met here. For the same reasons. It’s like fate.” I couldn’t agree more. “An idea just came to my mind.” Oh no.

Yuta has always been the class clown, saying out his ideas that were completely mind blowing and far fetched. His way of thinking is... unique, in a funny way. I got somewhat nervous after he said that sentence, you can never guess what he’s thinking about or get a clear grasp of the way he thinks.

“How about we try splitting them up?” I didn’t reply, his words slowly resonating in my mind. He can’t be serious, right? But why am I slowly being persuade by an unknown force?

I have yet to say a word, my eyes still on them as I was deep in thought, wondering about all the possible outcomes of me agreeing and disagreeing, weighing them carefully so that I could make the more beneficial decision.

“Come on. You’ll get to be with Taeyong more. And I’ll have Jiung. Win-win situation, right?”

I sighed, inhaling as my chest puffs up.

“Alright.”

Yuta: How’s it going?

Me: amazingg :D

“Who are you texting?” Taeyong asked, I placed my phone down to the side, screen faced down. “No one.”

This is the sixteenth outing with Taeyong after that day. I was able to spend time with Taeyong a lot more, just like before. And probably just like it should. I’ve seen Yuta posting more often on his Instagram stories, mostly of him and Jiung. Our plan of keeping them apart is working. Though Yuta told me that it was Jiung who’s constantly asking to meet up with Taeyong, he was able to force her to hang out with him instead, giving her no chance whatsoever. It was extremely helpful.

I know this whole situation sounds as if I’m being evil or whatever you call it. But why wouldn’t I accept a chance to be closer to Taeyong?

“Should we head to the carnival after this? Or desserts first? Oh I want to head to that new ice cream shop! Ten said it’s delicious but extremely crowded. I don’t mind waiting since I’ll have you to annoy.” Taeyong rambled on. I laughed happily, taking in this moment. I want to treasure such simple moments like these. I want it to be in a snow globe; something remembered forever.

“Do anything you please, Yong.” I chuckled, flashing an eye smile.

Just then, the bell above the restaurant’s door opened, signalling a new costumer coming in. Taeyong widened his eyes at the door. I tilted my head at his weird action, turning around to see just what made him react that way.

“Jiung?” “Yuta?” The two of us whispered at the same time.

Jiung’s eyes immediately went to Taeyong, her face lighting up at the sight of him as she tried to make her way over. But Yuta stopped her by the shoulders. I now understood what Yuta meant by saying, “She’s so attracted to him.”

While Jiung was struggling to eacape Yuta’s strong grasp, Taeyong was halfway off his seat. I immediately reached a hand to place on his arm. “Where you going?” I asked, faking a smile when in reality I was getting nervous.

“Wanting to say hi to Jiung.” Taeyong was about to alide himself off his seat so I grabbed his arm, trying to stop him in the most natural way possible. “I don’t think you should. She seems busy.” I tugged on his arm slightly, an attempt to get him to sit back down. “But it looks like she’s struggling. I- Wait here.” Taeyong noticed how I was trying so hard to stop him from leaving. He raised a brow and shook my hand off in an instant, his strength powering over my desires.

I followed behind him. Taeyong forcefully removed Yuta away from Jiung and Yuta’s eyes immediately glanced to mine. Both of us sending nervous signals to each other in that split second. “What the hell were you doing to her?” Taeyong growled lowly, his voice and tone suddenly growing dark as he held Jiing’s wrist, his body standing in front of hers as if he’s protecting her.

“I was just getting her out of the restaurant since it’s quite packed.” Yuta awkwardly replied with an excuse. “No you were purposely stopping me from going to Taeyong.” Jiung fought back. I stood there frozen, watching by the sidelines as nervousness started rising in me. Are they going to find out about my plan with Yuta?

“I think it’s just a misunderstanding. You two can go now.” I ripped Taeyong’s tight hold around Jiung’s wrist, dragging him back to stand beisde me. “I just want to chat with Taey-”

“I don’t think that’s necessary. Move along now.” I tried to shove Yuta and Jiung out the door. Taeyong’s hand suddenly gripped onto mine. I looked up instantly.

“Pause. You’re very acting weird. What’s going on?” Taeyong’s voice was raised higher than before. A few people were staring at us. “Nothing...” I whispered, looking down. I was now scared to the bone. I didn’t know what to reply, how to cover it up. It’s gonna have to slip out eventually. At least I was able to be with Taeyong more often.

“Yuta and I planned for you guys to never meet again.” That’s it. It’s all over. With that simple line of confession, the truth was now out. No where left to hide or run. Yuta smacked me on the arm, making me wince. “What the heck?!” He half-shouted in a whisper.

“Are you serious? And for what? Jealous or something?” Taeyong was mad. So mad. And I felt it. I was so scared. I was shivering with every word he said. I gulped, avoiding eye contact with him. I didn’t need to give a reply. My body has said it all. A moment of silence filled with tension circled around us. Suddenly, Taeyong stormed out.

I panicked, immediately going back to the table we were at to grab my belongings and rushed out, wanting to stop Taeyong. I looked around frantically. I spotted him walking down the street on the left. I ran as fast as I could, my hand reaching out for him as I shouted his name countless of times, but he doesn’t respond as if he was deaf.

“Taeyong, please!” I cried out. I finally had his wrist tightly around my fingers. He turned around sharply. He tried to walk away, but I tried harder to grip onto the hem of his sweater tighter. “What?”

I realised at that very moment that I didn’t know what to say. I wanted to stop him, but I never thought of what to do afterwards. I wanted to say “Don’t leave.” But it never left my lips.

I stood there silently, my thumb caressing against the cloth as I bit my lip hard. “Hello?” Taeyong asked, annoyed. That one simple word hit me, right on the heart. It was like an arrow, painfully accurate at where its being shot. Just as how one word from him could light up my day, and one word from him can make it come crashing down as well. His change in tone and mood was quick and intense. I couldn’t stop thinking about being terrified.

I eventually took in a deep breath, opening my tote bag and taking out the book that I have forgotten to give him that day while I was spying on him.

“Here. Have it, as a present.” I brushed a hand down the back of my head, my fingers combing through the ends as I turned around and walked away in the opposite direction after shoving the book to Taeyong’s chest, remembering the note was somewhere in there but I never bothered knowing exactly where.

My breathing started to become unstable. The further I walked away, the urge of falling down to the ground and collapsing became stronger. But I continued walking, telling myself to stay strong the whole way till I reach home. “You can cry on the floor all you want. Just quickly get home now.” I kept whispering to myself, begging my legs to speed up but my wobbly knees were not helping.

I cried that night. Very hard. The whole scene of kept replaying like a movie tape. All I could think about was how mad Taeyong looked. With his voice and eyes. It was a look I’ve never seen on him before. It was like a completely new side of him. The entire opposite of what he usually was. I now realised that he’s one of those “Their all butterflies and rainbows till they get pissed off.” That phrase cannot be any more true in regards to Taeyong.

Every day I tried to meet Taeyong. At the bar, his home, the bookstore. Anywhere he could be. He wasn’t replying to my texts, or calls. He probably blocked me. And on his socials as well. He wasn’t responding to me at all. I got worried sick. Is he never going to talk to me ever again?

Constantly, I mentally slammed my head against an imaginary wall, thinking about how I never thought of this outcome while weighing out the possible aftermath of the decision I made. How could I be so stupid, so reckless?

I eventually gave up trying to get in contact with him. He needed time and space away from me, completely. The hole this made in my heart was deep, like a dried up well with vines that has sharp long thorns growing in them. And every time I thought about Taeyong, I am constantly being pierced by those thorns of regret and agony, pricking deeper into my skin the more I fell deeper.

It was choking me; Taeyong’s absence. I couldn’t breathe at all. I was sinking, gasping for air each time I longed for him. I just wanted him back. I wanted things to get back to normal. I wanted to be us again.

Two months have passed. It was the worst two months of my life. Worst than the exam stress I had for last year’s final project. I had university to worry about on top of Taeyong. I was mentally going through hell. And again, the worst one yet. And it was now that I realised, I’d be much better off having him as a friend than anything less. But I was selfish enough to not treasure it that way, and it’s now finally gone. Completely out of my reach.

One night, I was up. Doing assignments. Nothing’s new. Nothing’s changed. Taeyong has yet to open up to me. I glanced at the clock on my phone, groaning as I let my head fall on the table. I closed my eyes. I was too stressed. The world’s spinning too fast. I needed it to stop for awhile. My brain can’t bear this much.

As if on cue, the door bell rang while I lifted my head off the table. My head slowly turned to my room door. The bell rang again. A few seconds later, it rang yet again. Whoever’s outside was frustrated or something, jamming their fingers on the bell while saying “I’ll keep annoying you till you open this damn door.”

I pushed my chair back and walked over to the door. I looked through the peek hole. Taeyong...? I opened the door. On instinct, I grabbed him by his waist while his body fell on me. His face tilted up to meet mine. His cheeks were flushed red. His eyes were half opened and looking around as if stars are swirling above his head. He’s drunk.

“Good night. I wanna go in.” Taeyong whispered. Yup, he’s drunk. His breath reeked or alcohol as he spoke. I stood there for a moment, needing to process the current situation. At three in the morning, Taeyong showed up here drunk. I can think about why later. But now I had to figure out a way to carry his heavy body into the living room.

Taeyong wrapped his arms around my waist, sticking his body against mine. “You’re so warm.” I blinked rapidly. I looked down on him. I can’t believe it. He’s here. After two months of ignoring, he can simply show up here. Drunk, even. Worst of all, I still had the love to move along with this. The anger was still there. It’s just that his sudden presence made me forget about it a little while.

Out of the blue, like a marionette on strings, he jerkily push himself off me and staggered his way to the lviing room. I followed closely behind, not bothering to turn on the lights. I didn’t feel the need to. I sat down at the edge of the couch while he laid his body down. He giggled to himself and muttered things I couldn’t understand. I know what he’s like when drunk. Unstable, crazy, a lightweight. Will not remember a single thing the next morning.

“What are you doing here?” I asked, not even sure why. Why did I bother asking when he won’t remember any of this the next day? Well, he’s here now. And no matter what state he was in, I just wanted answers.

“To thank you. Me thank you. Mwah!” Taeyong puckered his lips in the end, eyes closed and shaking his head furiously. His fluffy hair moving along. I smacked my bottom lip and nodded. “For what exactly?”

“For getting rid of Jiung for me. She’s so annoying. I’d much rather be with you.” Taeyong mumbled, finger slowly pointing up to me. Unconsciously, I pointed back to myself too. “Me?” Taeyong pursed his lips into a thin line and nodded firmly. “Uhuh. Yes, right. Mhm.”

I kept silent for a moment. “That wasn’t really what I got from how you reacted two months ago.” Suddenly, Taeyong forcefully gripped onto my wrist, pulling me down. I let out a soft gasp, realising that my body was laying on top of his. We stared at each other for a long while, the close proximity making it so that I could feel his cold breath on my skin, sending shivers down my spine. I breathed heavily as I felt my face getting hot. Stop it. Why are you falling for him too quickly?

“Go home, Taeyong.” I whispered so softly in a calming and light tone. Taeyong whined in response. He was now pouting with his big boba eyes. He looked like a sad puppy. My heart instantly melted at the sight. I couldn’t resist. “I’m staying here.” He said in a high pitch voice, hugging me closer and putting me in an uncomfortable position for my body. Regardless, I stayed.

After two months he was finally here, and in my arms. This night might not mean anything to him but it made me feel relived. The fact that he remembered my house, my name, me. Whether it was just the alcohol driving him to do such things that are out of his control, I didn’t mind. All I needed was for him to be here. It felt good to be with him for that one night. Just one night was all I needed. It didn’t stop my anger for him about the fact that he ignored me, but I was okay with it. That night, I let it go. All I wanted was to feel such peace with Taeyong.

We ended up sleeping together on the small couch. I woke up with terrible body aches but either way, I sighed in relief when I woke up before Taeyong. I tried finding his phone, that was hidden under the crack of the cushions. I typed in his password. I memorise it like how he memorise mine. I went to his contacts and called the one person I knew.

“I have a favour to ask, Ten.” I said nervously as I watch him carry Taeyong into his car. He hummed, pulling his head out of the car and slamming the door. “Don’t tell him he went here.” Ten gave a half-shrug, nodding his head in response. “Sure. I’m not sure what’s going on between you two, but it seems like a lot. Should solve it soon.”

“Yeah... I hope so.”

16th October.

I’ve lost count on the number of love letters I’ve given you. I can’t give them to you anymore, since you don’t even want anything to do with me. I can’t blame you. I knew you’d be pissed. I was hesitant on doing it but I was so selfish, wanting you all to myself. But what can I do, Taeyong? I’ve wanted you for so long. Yet you’re so delusional of my feelings. How could you have not read any of of my letters? Perhaps you have and chose to ignore it. That’s more painful than you being upfront and rejecting me. As much as I allow you to hate on me, I’d still say this. Fuck you, Lee Taeyong.

23rd October.

I saw you at the bar. You look... happy. Without me. You act as if nothing happened. Like I never happened. I wonder if you’re just putting on an act, or are you actually okay without me by your side. Are you still mad? Did you forget about it but have gotten use to not being with me? I want to know Taeyong so please, respond. That’s all I ask from you. Fuck that. You don’t even have to talk. I just want you here with me. Whether the air around us will be filled with tension, I don’t care. What I’m going through, is not nice, Taeyong. It is punishment for my actions. But how long do I have to keep it up? How long to I have to suffer to take a breath? For you to pull me out of this mess with your forgiveness. I’m falling apart.

14th December.

Wow. It’s December already. I’m sitting at the park we go to every Christmas. We’d be freezing to death but still glued to the bench chatting about life since we just loved being out in the snow. And yet, you never got back to me. I found out from Jiung that you left the country but never said where. I miss you, Lee Taeyong. I’m tired. So tired, of constantly penning my feelings down on pieces of paper. Words I can never say to you out loud, are all in the letters in your books that you never bothered to open. I even hid one between the books of your huge ass shelf. Why haven’t you said anything about them? I know I should move on, because it really does seem like you never want to talk to me ever again. I’m losing hope, more faster than before as each day pass, wondering where the hell as you and how you’re doing. I keep telling myself “Let it be. Let him have his moment.” But I wonder if you ever think about how I’m bearing all of this as well. That without you, I might never be able to forgive myself.

I slide the notes under Taeyong’s apartment door. I knew he was out of the country. Some nights I’d sit by his door, the note in hand as I envision him in his house. I couldn’t think about what he’s doing. And I constantly ponder about it. Is he eating well? Sleeping well? Is he enjoying himself wherever he’s at? Months passed. And as time went on, I began to wonder if my letters were even worth writing. Why was I giving so much? Why am I going through such lengths, physically and emotionally, for Taeyong to be okay? Why am I bearing such emotions when it’s not even certain that I’ll be given the same in return.

I’m making a promise to myself. I’ll let go of Lee Taeyong. I’ll slowly, bit by bit, remove my feelings out of my heart. It’s not worth it, I kept telling myself. I’m meaninglessly suffering for someone who is isn’t appreciating it. So why should I go on? I loved you, Lee Taeyong. I changed my words. I loved you.

And that was the last love letter I wrote.

Along my journey to forgetting Taeyong, I suffered a lot. I was always drawn back to him. I was always willing to put my pen on paper and just write something to him. About anything. It was a bad habit that needed to stop. I had to let go years of feelings that were being pilled up in my heart. And it was something that’s extremely hard to let go. But other than my own factors, there were external, circumstantial ones as well. Whether it was coincidental or not, that was something I can never know the answer to.

I was on my laptop, casually scrolling through Pinterest to calm myself with the aesthetics of random things. Room decor, clothing ideas, handsome idols. Anything that can take my mind off my billions of overloaded projects for awhile.

I didn’t know how, but I ended up looking at quotes, Japanese ones to be exact. The deep meaning of words. Some were heartfelt while other were heartbreaking. I read them off casually till I paused at one.

‘Tsundoku— buying books and not reading them; letting books pile up unread on shelves, floors, or nightstands.’

I scoffed to myself, pinching my temples as I shook my head. It’s just like you, Lee Taeyong. “Fucking hell.” I mumbled, slamming the laptop shut. I’ve been able to not think about Taeyong for a long time now. Or at least I felt like it was a long time. I wasn’t going to let a word get me off course. I placed my laptop on the bed and went back to my study table, suddenly feeling motivated to continue as a way to distract myself from thinking about him.

Thinking that I wouldn’t be facing that state of dilemma again, I just so happen to see a quote the first thing I entered Pinterest.

‘If they were meant to reunite, they had to go separate ways.’

I was then reminded of Taeyong yet again. But I don’t think I was thinking about him as a person, but our relationship. Just our relationship. Having to part ways as a mean to reunite. That’s something I found hard to believe. Why am I having hope that it’ll happen when I highly doubt I’ll experience it? Why is my mind slowly pulling me back to the memories I have with Taeyong? I want him long gone. I want him holed up in the corner of my mind, out of sight, out of mind. But things are always popping up randomly around me, and it all reminded me of him. I feel like it’s his doing, funny enough. Constantly hinting about him with almost everything I come across.

“What the fuck?”

I looked at the Youtube home screen and what was recommended for me. One of the videos had Taeyong’s name. And his face was on the thumbnail. The title? Lee Taeyong | Freestyle dance | Paris In The Rain (Lauv) My finger moved on its own, bringing the cursor to the video and clicking on it.

As I expected, the video was taken in Paris. So that’s where he has been. He was in Paris this whole time without my notice. I was shocked to find that the video has tons of likes and view. I read through the comments. They were all swooning over Taeyong.

“Who wouldn’t?” I said to myself. I scrolled up and played the video. My eyes didn’t leave the screen for a second. I was frozen, not being able to move an inch as I watched, completely in awe. Firstly, Taeyong has his hair dyeda light ashy grey or blue. It suited him well, all too well. His dancing was immensely beautiful. Anyone would fall for him. Visuals, talent. He has it all. Dancer by day, bartender by night. He looked so free and alive in his dance. Serving the world with a hard punch with his deep emotions that were imbued perfectly into his movements.

I bit my lower lip. Fuck. I felt it. The goosebumps, the quivering of my lips. My eyes started to well up with tears. “No, this is not happening again.” The video was still playing, the music ringing in my ears but I couldn’t bear to look at the video. I was watching Taeyong, living the perfect life in Paris. What more could he needed? I clearly wasn’t in his equation. I’m completely gone, removed out of his life. No trace of my presence to be found.

The longer I think, the more I forced myself not to cry. Eventually, being weakling I am, I ended up falling deep into the harsh and intense whirl pool that is my feelings once again, a place I never visited in a long while. The feelings started dancing in my mind like butterflies flapping in unison to the soundtrack of my sadness. I could only assume that it’s what the world wants. It’s how it wants to spin, how it wants to work.

Eight months. I actually counted how long I’ve lost contact with Taeyong for. It didn’t bother me. I was trying to live a life. It’s getting better. It took a lot of baby steps. But I’m feeling a whole lot lighter now. It’s March.

I was walking back from University when my phone started vibrating in my hand since I’ve always left it on silent mode. I lifted it up. It was an unknown number. Instinctively, I chose to not pick up the call. But a few seconds later, the same number showed up on the screen. With a light groan, I picked up and brought the phone to my ear.

“Hello? Who is this?” I asked formally, waiting by the traffic light. I heard the person on the other hand breathe out a chuckle, almost like a disappointed kind. “Who the-”

“So you deleted my number?” That voice... No doubt. It was Lee fucking Taeyong. “Meet me. My home. You got ten minutes.” The call ended.

Rapidly blinking my eyes, I slowly brought down the phone. I read over the number again. It was Taeyong’s phone. Why didn’t I remember it? I used to know it. It’s one of the few things I used to be able to tell off the top of my head. “Ten minutes?” I looked at the time.

I don’t know what urged me, but I ran. I ran as fast as I could. The unknown force. It was unfamiliarly familiar. If that made sense. I was able to live a life without Taeyong. I was. I was capable of it. And that’s what I did. But at the very moment, I felt the need to see him. The spontaneous out of the blue kind of feel. It was all just pouring out of me.

I stood at his doorstep, hand on my chest and other as support for my body against the wall. Panting heavily, I tried to slowly calm myself down. I gulped, and rang the doorbell. No turning back.

The door flung open. And there stood Taeyong. He still had his ashy hair colour. His face never changed a single bit. Nor did his overall physique. He was still handsome, breathtaking. “Come in.”

I sucked my lips and sidled in timidly and warily. Nothing has changed in his house as well. The large bookshelf with the television in the centre. I started to remember the love letters. All of them are hidden in the pages of the books in that very shelf. It reminded me of my feelings for him.

I sat down on the leather couch as Taeyong disappeared into the kitchen. I kept my head faced forward, placing my tote bag down, leaning it against the couch on the floor. Taeyong came back moments later. Two plates with a slice of cheesecake. He handed on to me. “Try it.” He said.

I slowly took a bite. Chewing on it, I scrunched up my nose, placing the plate down on the table. “I hate it. Tastes too artificial.” I commented dryly. Taeyong chuckled and cleared his throat. “Knew you’d say that.” Taeyong shoved a bite into his mouth, eating it as he placed the plate beside mine. “Want to know why you’re here?”

I bobbed my shoulders. This atmosphere, the air between us. It wasn’t awkward at all. Though our words were dry and short, it felt normal. It wasn’t weird being next to him after not seeing him for eight months.

Taeyong stood up, taking small steps to the shelf. As if practiced, he pulled out one letter from a book, another, and another, and another. It was never ending. It took him at least ten minutes to slide out all the letters and placing them on the table. I silently watch, my anxiety turning up a notch with each letter.

He finally took what I hoped was the last letter and went back to sit next to me. A specific letter is held in his hand. He unfolded it, placing the paper on the table and turning it so that I could read.

It was my last love letter.

“So you knew.” I whispered, looking down, leaning forward as I laced my fingers together. I took in a deep breath, my eyes scanning down the note before turning my head to Taeyong. “Then why the fuck didn’t you do anything about it?”

Taeyong lifted the paper off the table, holding it in front of him. He reread it. Running a hand through hair, chest puffing up as he inhaled and exhaled sharply. “Because I wanted you to keep writing to me.”

“What...?” That was definitely not an answer I was expecting.

Taeyong licked his lips, smacking them before sniffling a rubbing his nose. He lets out a weak chuckle. “I liked them. From your handwriting, to your words. I felt it; your love, with each letter.” He whispered softly.

I simply couldn’t believe what I was hearing. This was the explanation and truth I’ve been wanting to hear for months. This is what kept me up at night, what led me to have my mental breakdowns, the constant ‘what if’s I formulated throughout. “You just like them? Taeyong if you’re rejecting fucking do it now-” I was about to scream, but Taeyong was quick to cut me off.

“In a way it felt like you were writing a book. One just for me. That’s why I never bothered to read any other books. I just needed yours. Your... simply overpowering pain in the heart love letters.” Taeyong smiled down at the letter, hovering his fingers over the words.

“And I don’t just like the love letters. I love the author. Paris made me realise that. It took me that long. And I’m sorry for how long you needed to wait.”

“What do you love about the author?”

I could tell Taeyong was taken aback by that question. And I knew he would react that way. He still knew me well, bouncing back and giving a confident answer.

“I don’t want to sound common by saying it’s her smile, laughter, brightness. But it truly is what I love about her. All the times we’ve spent were filled with nothing but pure bliss. Serenity, is what I feel when I’m with her. Longing, like I was meant to be by her side. I’ve known her long enough to know every single detail about her, ones that maybe she doesn’t even know herself. Like how drinks two straws when she’s sad, or having the habit of twiddling her thumbs when she’s excited. Little things like those, I find them adorable. No matter what she is, a nerd, weirdo, plain crackhead, it’s... the energy, her own energy. A light and force only she could illuminate.”

I couldn’t say anything. I frozen stiff by his words. He actually meant it. I could feel it through his voice. He stuttered here and there nervously, finding words to say. But he was able to structure them in the most beautiful way possible. I had no words to say.

Suddenly, Taeyong slowly brought his hand up to cup my cheek. That one touch alone made me feel a lot of things. It was like I was hit by a huge wave of feelings all bunched up together and crashing over me. But it wasn’t something I couldn’t handle. It was overwhelming, but I was calm. I was at peace. It felt good. Just this.

He slowly and carefully swiped his thumbs across my cheeks like I’m the most fragile thing in the world. His touch was lightweight and simply serene. “Another thing the author doesn’t know about herself is that she really doesn’t know when she’s crying and spilling out tears.”

I blinked my eyes, Taeyong smoothing his hands from my cheeks and to my shoulders, placing them there firmly as his eyes stared into mine. I can’t exactly explain what I felt. But it was like the stars aligned, as cliche as that sounds.

‘If they were meant to reunite, they had to go separate way.’ I resonated with this now. I understood what it meant. Our months of separation were all for this exact moment. Both of us suffered, one trying to find themselves again while the other needing the time to realise that what’s most valuable was right in front of him. We needed that gap, for us to reunite and actually be able to love each other properly and willingly. Which definitely would not be a trouble now.

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thevoilinauttheory · 3 years ago

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The Great Eight

[ In lieu of the Rising event ending tomorrow - and myself, just now finishing it - I had some words I wanted to get out.

I get this type of nostalgia - it hurts, it physically hurts my chest; I feel sick to my stomach, and I just want to cry. I’ve asked others if they ever feel this way, but I’ve never gotten a yes to it.

The Rising always gives me this feeling. It’s be eight years since I first picked up XIV. Eight whole years. That’s a slap to the face, it’s been so long and it feels so short. I wish I could give people the same experiences and feeling I had for this game - the pain and happiness this nostalgia brings me. When I say this game means so much to me, it’s not an exaggeration. This game changed my life - I wish to share it a little bit with you. I touched on some of it in the past, but here I’m laying it all out. ]

[ I first started playing in 2013, when a friend recommended the game to me shortly after the game’s rerelease. They were ecstatic to have another player join them, and I owe them a lot for the experiences they gave me. My very first character was Raramlah Ramlah - she was a paladin, because that’s what I mained in WoW. I realized shortly that a tank probably wasn’t the best way to go, but also that my computer at the time couldn’t handle playing it, due to the graphics.

I gave it another shot in 2014, that’s when I made Danny Harold. He was the first character I ever got to level 50. I absolutely loved the game, when I wasn’t sitting idly for my friends to come online as I had with Raramlah; when I picked it up of my own accord. I remember I was in the hospital when I first picked it back up, when I first made him and leveled him through Gridania. But I was still going intermittedly between it and WoW. I missed the first Rising due to ignorance.

2015 comes around, and I’m in a stressful place. I just started a new job, and I’m finally able to live on my own with little issues from my disabilites. However, my apartment complex didn’t have internet, and so I’d take my laptop to Starbucks and sit there until they closed playing WoW instead. I wanted to spend what little time I had on the internet with the friends I already had grown close to. Year 2 went on without me. But it still wasn’t all bad. Near the end of 2015, Maximiloix Voilinaut was created - and when I started up my XIV tumblr account under “ishgardianscholar”. See, I had made it to Heavensward on Danny when I found out that someone I had met through a friend was starting up a new character for the purpose of RP. I thought to myself “I want an Ishgardian character” - and rolled a new one. It was a new adventure, a clean slate, with a couple of friends I knew from WoW to join me.

Here comes 2016... and WoW had let me down. My disabilites came back full force, and I was left bed bound and reliant on partial disability from my workplace while waiting for SSDI to start kicking into effect. My roommates did little to help take care of the house we were renting, lied to me about their incomes, and forced me to use what little money I was getting to pay for everything myself. I’m short a total of 2000$ because of it. But. But. That was the best year of my fucking life. It ruined me, that year ruined my life, but it was the happiest I had ever been. Lothaire Voilinaut was first conceived and Maximiloix became my pride and joy as a character, I found the class I wanted to keep playing - I made friends, so many of them! So, so many of them! And I loved them, and I still do! I miss them terribly. If I could relive one year of my life... it would be that year. What I would give just to feel that way again - because I had never felt it since. I didn’t realize until Year 3′s Rising came around, how nostalgic just the few short times and experiences were to me. Because I was met with two things... the first song that truly captured me in Final Fantasy games (Prelude), and the first song I ever heard in the game itself (A New Hope). I cried there. Music has always hit me so hard, and I never realized just how much this game meant to me until then. This was how I knew I would stay - that XIV had my heart for good.

2017, during the release of Stormblood, I went homeless. I had wanted so badly to see my first expansion release - and only witnessed second hand “Raubahn EX”. My friends moved on without me, and I was left alone again to start playing. But I told myself already. XIV had my heart, there was no reason to go back to WoW. So I didn’t. I didn’t, and I don’t regret it. This is when I truly started playing Lothaire fully - and when I met my spouse, he became my main. I made it to Year 4, and cried just as much.

2018 - with the loss of friends, did I find new ones. It wasn’t the best time of my life, but I wouldn’t trade the memories for a thing. Year 5 came and went faster than I could blink, but that was it. I heard the music, I remembered my first Rising, I remembered all the times I had before. And I cried.

2019 started off rough. I moved across the country and had a hard time finding a place to live. I got it down, started a new job... and made it to the release of Shadowbringers. I had grown so much since I first started - and the expansion release was everything I wanted it to be, regardless of the issues that came with it (though I’ve been told that it was a far smoother release than the others). I was so excited... and I was not let down. XIV upheld its standards and presented to me a game worthy of pushing onto my friends no matter how annoyed they got with me about it (looking at you @rose-color-boy). Everything about it was a pure masterpiece, people think I’m exaggerating. But this game had done so much for me, that finally, now, I got to witness something I always wanted to. Sure, I didn’t have many friends to start the expansion with... but the story captivated me immediately. Year 6... and I cried.

2020. There wasn’t much to say about it, I was stuck inside all year and I hit a bad patch during the end of it, but... Year 7. It hit me like a truck. It gave me goosebumps, it gave me laughs, and ultimately, it gave me tears. I actually sobbed, this time. Remembering everything I gone through hurt me so badly, the nostalgia was coming in hard. But I knew, in the end, this game would always be here for me. This game had wormed its way into my heart accidentally, and yet I feel like I couldn’t live without it.

This year. Perhaps it didn’t hit me as hard - I still cried. This game means so much to me. So, so much. It hurts, it really and physically hurts how much it means to me. This game made everything in my stressful life so much easier, littered the pain with good memories. I can recall bad places I was in, and associate it with something good that happened to me in the game. 2020 - I got knee surgery... but 5.3 had just released and holy shit. My spouse got a little annoyed at me that the only thing I was listening to was the theme of that last battle (To the Edge). It helped me get through it, the pain and the misery I felt from not being able to walk. 2019 - Work was driving my depression in deep, and I didn’t want to live and continue the pain I was feeling... but I got to the end of 5.0 and only wanted more. I wanted to know what happened next. I still remember that one cutscene, how they got me attached to a minor character so quickly and ripped her away just as fast; and the first dungeon? Experiencing the Trust System, and going through this intense battle on a grand scale with the help of the friends they kept on the sidelines for so long. 2018 - My life was monotonous and I had three other people living with me in my one-bedroom apartment. One of my roommate’s ex’s was now stalking him around my apartment, and work was becoming physically taxing on my legs. But I remember how much fun I had doing maps - and the release of the Tsukuyomi fight? That whole scene there? Oh, wow, it was so bittersweet. The fight was beautiful, the music was haunting, everything about it. Not to mention the ending solo-instances and Ghymlit? The Burn? Omega? The Four Lords? As much as I disliked them (due to my computer issues), even Rabanastre was memorable. 2017 - I was homeless, forced to work a job my body couldn’t handle. I met my spouse, though. I became heavily invested with my tumblr account, doing a full re-write of it all. While I wasn’t much of a fan of the expansion itself, there were some places that really opened my eyes. Azim Steppes? So beautiful - and gotta hand Y’shtola the award for sickest burn. Then I heard my favorite piece of music, and the most nostalgic for me when it comes to SB, Skalla’s theme (Far From Home).

Lastly, I know this has been long. But I thank everyone around me for being so supportive and kind - I may not be in a good place, but know that every good thing that happens will be associated to this moment. I’ll look back on Year 8 and go “my security was compromised, and my anxiety ran high, but there were these people here who supported me on tumblr, that kept my blog running strong”. I will remember my roleplays, I will remember the music and scenery - even now, I’m getting nostalgic about Shadowbringers, and Endwalker hasn’t even come out yet! So thank you. Here’s to year number 8 - 8 whole years of XIV being in my life. It may not have been that long for many of you, some of you, this might be your first year; hell! Some of you, it’s been longer! But know that this community has helped me so much, and I can’t wait to continue being a part of it. Here’s to the eventual tears Year 9 will bring me! ]

#ooc #ffxiv #the rising #sorry for the long post #but there were so many feelings i had to get out before i wrote my prompt #tl;dr #i love you all and thank you for making my experiences with this game the best thing to ever happen to me #thank you for making this game mean so much to me

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syms-things-5 · 4 years ago

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CLEAR THE AREA - Chapter Twenty

Previous Chapter here

Warnings: language and the usual angst

Summary: I made it! My first story at an end. Thanks for stopping by and sticking by me over the last few months. I'm strangely quite proud of myself for sticking with this even when I had zero idea of how things were going to go. I have plans for a sequel of sorts and I hope you come back for that (when I get my ass in gear to write it!).

Tags: Thanks to @kelbabyblue @jennmurawski13

Chapter Twenty

The hot shower was a welcome relief when she finally stepped inside. It had been a hell of a long day. Far longer than she could recall and she had battled plenty.

Sarah had been back at work for a week or so and trying her hardest to deflect questions. Audrey had, she realised, kind of figured most things out without having to awkwardly impose the third degree on her pal. She knew everyone in the family knew and while at first she was happy and possibly even a little excited by that knowledge, her enthusiasm soon turned to concern when Sarah informed her that Shanna had been ignoring all of her messages and calls ever since. None of Audrey’s queries beyond that were met with much more than a non-committal shrug. How could Sarah be expected to answer any of Audrey’s questions when she didn’t have any of the answers to her own?

“She’ll come around. She has to.” Audrey said, in her soothing tone that always seemed to work no matter what news she was giving. “She won’t want to lose you. You’ve been friends for years.”

A few people had said variations of the same thing to her lately. That Shanna will come around, that she was just shocked but she’ll eventually understand, and that things will get better. Carly said Shanna had a wicked stubborn streak in her that even she struggled with at times but she also knew she loved Sarah very, very much. It was just a tough time but she’ll learn to understand. It would absolutely be OK, she would bet money on it Sarah wasn’t so sure.

She already knew Shanna was as stubborn as they come - she’d lived with her long enough - so when exactly was she expected to “learn how to understand”? More importantly, why did she even have to? They had been best friends for years but Sarah had betrayed her trust and flat-out lied to her face. Multiple times. “White lies” Scott called them, shrugging them off as though they were a big pile of nothing and just something people do when they need to get out of awkward situations. Sarah wasn’t sure sleeping with her best friend’s brother counted as an “awkward situation” or something that could be casually brushed aside with a sweep of the hand but nevertheless, she appreciated his efforts.

These were the conversations that kept circling around her mind as she stood under the shower head. Normally, she wasn’t one for wasting water but she allowed herself to enjoy it a little more this time. The soapy lather and fragrances of lavender and sandalwood surrounded her senses and was very soothing to her brain.

She barely noticed the fog steaming up the bathroom and focussed on the feel of the hot water cascading over her tired, worn-out body instead. If she died right here, right now, they could say she was probably the most relaxed she had been in months.

“Shall we pick you up from the airport? It’s no trouble.” Jocelyn fussed on the end of the line. There was a loud scraping sound somewhere in the near-background so Sarah figured she was back on the DIY again. That, or she had given the pottery classes another go. Recollections of Shanna laughing herself silly at Jocelyn “doing pot” flooded back into her memory all of a sudden and only served to leave her feeling sad in the pit of her stomach.

“No, Mom, it’s fine. It’ll be late. I’ll just get a cab.” Sarah calmly affirmed, one hand holding the phone to her ear and the other shoving yet more clothes into her suitcase. She’d given up on folding like an adult. “The flight could be delayed so I don’t want you hanging around the airport any longer than necessary.”

“But you’ll have bags, Sarah. Heavy bags and that’s no good. You don’t want to give yourself an injury.”

“Mom, I have one suitcase. Don’t be so over-dramatic.” She eye-rolled.

That was the…fourth lie? Perhaps the fifth since this conversation had started? Who knew. Sarah glanced down at the suitcase on her bed currently lying next to a smaller, overnight suitcase. There was also a backpack and a laptop bag sitting ready by her bedroom door. It was just easier this way. If she had to explain her real intentions, she would never finish packing and her parents would be on the red-eye to Boston.

“OK, well, keep us posted when you leave and when you land and I suppose we can go from there.” Jocelyn sighed. Whatever she had been doing had now stopped and Sarah could imagine the look of concern on her face. She was momentarily consoled by the fact that her Dad would at least see things from her point of view and hopefully Jocelyn would learn to just drop it.

Sarah hung up the phone and went back into the bathroom to finish drying her hair currently wrapped up in a towel. Shanna had shown her a trick with a towel and an old cotton t-shirt some years earlier after she had eventually agreed to stop cutting her hair. “It’s so beautiful and curly but, like, it’s a nice curl? A gentle curl. Honestly, girls would pay so much money every day to have waves like yours.” enthused Shanna at the time. It was a sweet thing to say. Jocelyn had said much the same thing as she was growing up but Sarah always preferred shorter cuts because she couldn’t be bothered to spend time styling it every day. And it would always take time. Too much time.

Her longer hair felt so lifeless and dull by comparison, she thought, except when Audrey would blow-dry it during one of their all-too-rare girls’ afternoons and rub this coconut concoction into her roots so it smelled delicious for days afterwards. Or when Chris would gently comb his fingers through it when he thought she was asleep. She didn’t mind it so much then.

She finished the last brush-through and switched off the dryer, wrapping the cord around the handle ready for it to be packed. A dab of foundation under her eyes and she looked reasonably well-rested now; well enough so as not to draw attention to any stresses or worries. Jocelyn always had a knack for sussing them out and it was frustrating and unwelcome at the best of times. That she was usually right was beside the point.

She mentally ticked off a list of items she made a point of packing; some comfy sweatpants, a couple of books, her particular brand of coffee because her folks now apparently hated the stuff. She located her passport and boarding pass for the tenth time, making sure they were safely zipped in the side pocket of her backpack. She was pretty much done. If it wasn’t for the looming feeling of regret, she would call a cab to take her to the station right that minute.

Looking down at her phone, she decided to call Shanna one last time. It rang a few times before a groggy voice appeared on the end of the line.

“Hey….” Shanna offered, cold but not totally unhappy to hear her, Sarah thought. The last few times she had tried calling Shanna, it would ring for a lot longer. The shortness here was a small step in the right direction.

“Hey, how are you feeling?” Sarah asked with some trepidation, trying not to sound overly familiar and casual. She was trying to follow Shanna’s lead with regards to friendly small talk.

“Better. Mom’s been making soup every day. Sick and tired of the stuff to be honest.” Shanna had come down with a small cold and had used it as an opportunity to stay in the relative ease and comfort of her mother’s house. Sarah would much rather have seen her in person before she left but speaking on the phone without one of them, or both of them, ending up in tears was also good.

“Well, at least you’re in the best place. Your Mom always makes me feel better when I’m unwell.” Sarah smiled down the line.

“I’m not unwell, Sarah.” she said, defensively. “It’s just a cold. I’m just tired.”

Sarah feared she’d overstepped the mark. “OK, well, still, it’s good that you’re there. ‘Cos…Lisa would just worry otherwise. Probably.” She was babbling now and she knew it but she couldn’t think of anything to say. Shanna had put up something of a wall between them now and while she was talking to her and not completing freezing her out, it felt different and not altogether pleasant.

“Yeh, that’s true.” Shanna responded after a brief pause. “But you’re a nurse so you would think I would be better in my own home.”

“Nah, I’d just be bringing back all kinds of infectious things.” Sarah joked and was relieved to hear a laugh on the end of the line, a laugh that very quickly turned into a harsh cough. But it had definitely started out as a laugh so she’d take that as a win, too.

“So, have you been really busy?” Shanna asked after she managed to clear her throat.

“Same old. We have a new intern and she’s pretty eager to get stuck in which is great. Audrey is impressed so that should tell you how amazing she is.” Sarah offered. It had in fact been busier than most days but now wasn’t the time to relay the usual information she wouldn’t normally think twice about offering to Shanna when she had asked.

“That’s cool.” Shanna coughed again and cleared her throat. “Have you been working all the time or, um, have you had much of a break?”

“Pretty much all the time, yeh. I did those double shifts I was meant to do last month so I’ve cleared my flexi-time now which is good. I’m back on track.”

“That’s cool.” Shanna said.

“Yeh and I built up some more which is good, too. It’ll come in handy at Christmas perhaps.” Sarah was trying to keep the conversation going as best as she could.

“Cool. Do you just come home and crash, then?”

“Most of the time, yeh.”

“You don’t go out anywhere or anything?”

“Um,” Sarah had a vague idea of what she was getting at. “I don’t really have time to do anything else. I wanted to get my hours back up to a healthy point. You know what O’Brien can be like.”

There was silence on the end of the line. Sarah could hear her shuffle about in what she assumed was her bed. Shanna coughed again, gentler this time, and sighed as she tried to think of what to come back with. She knew she was probably being a little obvious now.

“Well,” Shanna started. “I hope you’re getting through it all OK. Y’know, the work and stuff. I hope you’re doing alright.”

“Thanks. Yeh I’m…I’m alright.” Sarah replied, touched by the slight concern she could hear her speak. “I hope you feel better soon, too. It’s not fun having a cold particularly at this time of the year.”

“I’m sure Mom has been crushing aspirin and vitamins into my food so I’ll be Wonder Woman before you know it.”

Sarah laughed. “Absolutely you will. I’ll, er, let you get back to resting. Are you up to much?”

“No, I’m just watching Netflix.”

“Ah right. That’s cool. Lots of new murder shows from what Audrey tells me.” Sarah nodded. She knew Shanna wasn’t about to launch into a description of what programme she had been binging the last few days so they both vocalised their goodbyes and hung up. It was the first call that had ended on a mutual note and not Shanna making a lame excuse to cut off Sarah’s equally lame attempts at small talk. Again, Sarah took it as a positive.

Sarah looked down at her phone, a photo of them both in their graduation gowns on her home screen. She hadn’t changed it since she’d gotten the upgrade a year earlier and she had no intention of doing so now. It was a nice day, a nice memory. The hangover she suffered for days afterwards was more than worth it.

She was unsure why Shanna had felt the need to ask her what she’d been up to. She had seemed very specific, more so than about anything else they talked about lately. Naturally, Shanna knew Sarah well enough now to know she relied on work whenever she was dealing with something upsetting and difficult so surely it would have been obvious that she had had zero contact with Chris. He probably would have said as much to her in person. Or he would have talked with Scott or Lisa, and Shanna would have eventually found out by default.

The more she thought about it, the more anxious she felt. Knowing how she and Chris had left things, it was almost entirely likely that he hadn’t spoken to Shanna too much. Perhaps he had holed himself up in his apartment like he did following a tiring shoot, trying to sleep and rest and eat whatever carbs he could get his hands on. Maybe the opposite and he’d thrown himself into some training again. Maybe he’d gone back to Los Angeles for work, that he’d finally given in to Matt’s nudges and agreed to accept one of the many lucrative endorsement deals brands would throw his way every so often. Maybe he had been entertaining himself with the boys. Or with someone else. Someone…

No. This had been Sarah’s fault. There was no point trying to find justification for his absence. She had created a rift between a brother and sister where one should not have existed. He should have talked to Shanna but from Shanna’s probing and what little information she could gleam from Scott, evidently that didn’t appear to have taken place. She briefly considered googling his name to see if any news outlets had a scoop before deciding against it. She almost made it to her kitchen before giving in and bringing up a search on her phone. No. Nothing. He’d gone radio-silent as per usual. As she suspected. Normally, it was quite impressive of him to go under the radar with such precision but now it was just inconsiderate. How dare he not make his whereabouts publicly known so Sarah could come up with a half-convenient lie as to why he and Shanna hadn’t seen each other. A comforting lie that could make herself feel better about the mess.

It would have made her feel so much better to know they were getting along again. Selfishly, it would have made it easier for her to leave knowing that they were finding their own way of getting back on track with one another. Sarah could imagine Lisa fretting to Scott and Carly at night, wondering how she could help her two most stubborn children become pals again. Sarah would rather she had been forgotten completely in favour of them piecing their relationship back together, for everyone’s sake. If there was one thing Sarah hated more than drama, it was knowing she was the root cause of the drama. Separating herself from the family now would be preferable than being made increasingly aware of the glaring hole setting up home in their house. A meteoric hole that she had been responsible for. A hole inside a family unit that had gotten through a lot in their forty-plus years together. A wonderful, loving, generous family that had taken Sarah in without question and had accepted her as one of their own just because Shanna had once said she was “pretty cool”.

No, Shanna did not deserve to be frozen out by her brother. Chris didn’t deserve to feel like he couldn’t speak to his baby sister.

Another day passed and Sarah didn’t feel much better. She did, however, feel momentarily relieved by Audrey’s personal admission that she had googled Chris a couple of times as well. Another sip of steaming hot coffee and she further admitted to having set him up on her Google Alerts “just in case”.

“For safety. I’m just looking out for you.” Audrey declared before smirking at her across the table. “I didn’t want you waking up one morning to photos of him draped over some starlet or whoever. And don’t think for one second that I will not come for anyone who dares to speak ill of you online. You are beautiful and kind and funny and sweet and absolutely good enough for him. I swear to God and he can quote me on this. Think of me as your own personal hype-woman.”

“Wow. Thank you. That’s a lot to take in but it’s very kind.” Sarah laughed nervously. “I think.”

“All I ask in return is dibs on designer dresses for the wedding.” Audrey winked at her as she left the staffroom. She didn’t catch neither the eye roll nor the middle finger Sarah proffered in return.

A few moments of quiet passed and Sarah pulled up Scott’s number on her phone.

Sarah 10.45am: Is Shanna feeling any better?

Scott 10.52am: So so. She’s terrible at being an ill person. I don’t know how you manage it xx

Sarah texted a laughing emoji back in response followed by a couple of red hearts. She’d give anything to “manage” an ill Shanna right now.

Scott 11.04am: But how are you??? We miss you Xx

Sarah could feel the tears forming at the back of her eyes. It had been a couple of days since she had last cried but as her departure flight loomed ever closer she was feeling it more and more.

Scott 11.08am: Seriously………

Scott 11.09am: Please come see us soon. Mom is super worried about you and threatening to bring you her tiramisu

Scott 11.11am: don’t worry, I stopped her xx

She bit the inside of her lip a little too hard.

Scott 11.13am: but you owe me one. I had to eat half that thing xx

Chris loved tiramisu, she remembered. Maybe he was responsible for eating the other half.

It was no good. She was going to have to call him soon. Against the promise she’d made to herself about not thinking about him, it only served to keep her worrying about him more and more.

Sarah 11.20am: I know, I’m sorry. Tell her I’ll call her soon, I pormise xx

Sarah 11.21am: *promise

Scott 11.24am: not sure that’ll do much honeybun. You know what she’s like. Love you xx

She texted him a kiss emoji and felt relieved that he didn’t respond again. She pulled up Chris’ number and contemplated sending him a message. How would she even start? A simple “hey” was not going to cut it at this point, nor was a “how are you?”. Time was running out and as Ryan peered his head round the door to check on her, she shoved her phone back in her locker and left to finish off her day.

Sarah 15.58pm: Are you still alive?

She stayed staring at her phone for what felt like an eternity. Just before she resigned in disgust at her pitiful attempt at casual humour, she saw the tell-tale three dots appear at the bottom of her screen. They flickered for some time before stopping then starting again. She wasn’t sure if it was because he was composing some irate response at her pathetic joke or if he was deleting a message in favour of ignoring her altogether. She wasn’t sure which option she would prefer had she had the choice.

No response came through. She pulled a cup from the cupboard and set about making a small pot of coffee for herself. She still had a little time yet before she was due to leave for the airport and she had made plans to clean the place up a little before Shanna returned home, presumably a day or so later when she figured Sarah was safely out of the picture.

She picked up some daffodils and daisies on the way home from the hospital and separated the bunches between the living room, the kitchen and the hallway. She had visited two different grocery stores to find Shanna’s favourite flavour of ice cream and the fridge was stocked with some healthy veggies and yoghurt so she could make her breakfast smoothies in the morning. She also set about steam-mopping the hard floors so the clean, floral smell could spread through the entire apartment. It was a nice welcome home, she thought. She would appreciate it if someone had done the same for her.

Her phone started vibrating in the back pocket of her jeans as she folded the bedding that was fresh out of the dryer. She wasn’t altogether able to name the feeling she experienced at seeing Chris’ name flash on her screen alongside a photo of him smiling like the goof he was. A beautiful, sweet picture taken from Shanna’s birthday party three years previous. There was a time recently when she’d let it ring a little longer than was necessary just to allow herself the chance to stare at it for a few seconds more. But now was not one of those times.

“I genuinely didn’t think you were gonna answer me.” He said, his voice displaying the disbelief he was feeling.

“You would have kept ringing me otherwise.” It wasn’t an accusation as such, and he knew it.

“Yeh, probably. But I would have tried not to.” He said, matter-of-factly. ��I’m not great with sussing women out but I figured you didn’t want to talk to me that much.”

She felt sad to hear him say it out loud even though it was true to an extent. He seemed submissive in some way. “Really?” She asked, more beseeching than she had intended.

He paused and she could hear him sigh. “Yeh, I would have. It would have been tough but I’ve thought about it a lot recently and I do have a little pride left, believe it or not.” She heard him straighten up and realised he’d been either lying on his couch or on his bed. “But you messaged me first. I’m kinda surprised to be honest.”

He wouldn’t be as surprised or impressed if she said it was just to check he hadn’t died in his sleep. She decided to keep that little tid-bit to herself.

“You’ve been quiet lately.” She said. “I mean, I thought...I don’t…” She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “I don’t actually know what I meant to be honest. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t haven’t contacted you out of the blue like this.”

“It’s fine. I’m glad you did.” Chris was feeling generous and decided to help her put out the fire. He knew she was panicking a little and no matter what else he was thinking right now, hearing her sound apprehensive wasn’t going to make him feel any better.

“I just wondered how you were doing, I suppose. I’ve been talking to Shan a little bit. Not a lot, not like we’re back to normal or anything but I wanted to check you were OK as well.” She tugged at the end of her sweater sleeve currently stretched between her fingers. “I haven’t really asked you that.”

He thought for a second. How was he feeling? He wasn’t sure he could give her an answer. He didn’t really know and he couldn’t make it sound half-positive even if he did. He had thrown himself into his work a lot more, much to the joy of Matt and some producers who had been trying to get his attention. When he wasn’t working out, he was reading scripts and when he wasn’t reading scripts, he was watching his diet. He had been very quiet on social media to an extent that someone in his PR team had taken to posting a couple of things on his behalf. Just two or three charity posts and something NASA-related to let his fans know he hadn’t completely disappeared. The team had notified him earlier that day that a cute dog video they had posted just 24 hours previous had gone viral and he had received more marriage proposals than usual as a result.

By now, he had learned how to fend off his mother and his brother. To be fair, it wasn’t all that hard to do with Scott. Scott had been understanding enough recently and he had the benefit of knowing when to shut up and let Chris go at his own pace. Pushing him was only going to have the opposite effect. More than once, he found himself wondering if Scott had spoken to Sarah. When he tried to hint around the situation to see if that had in fact been true, Scott had shut him down just as quickly. He didn’t mind that all too much. He appreciated Scott’s discretion and no doubt Sarah needed him just as much as he did.

“I’m alright, Bernette.” He said. “You know, fine.”

“Fine?”

“Yeh. Just fine. Nothing more.” He said. He didn’t much care about sugar-coating things but maybe that was out of a little tiredness and boredom. They were way past protecting each other from the other person’s feelings at this point.

“Anyway,” he shook his head. “What about you? How’s things with O’Brien?”

“Oh y’know. Yeh, fine, I guess.” She replied. “How did you know there was any issue with O’Brien?”

“You gotta love that Audrey.” He chuckled.

O’Brien had come under fire last week for yelling at a couple of interns and one of them, unbeknown to anyone else, happened to be the niece of a local congressman. Rumours were circling but Sarah and in fact most of her team had no time to pay attention to anything going on above their heads. That’s the thing with medical emergencies, you see: they never stop just because somebody’s job is on the line.

“Right.” She said. “What else has she said?”

“Nothing much.” He said. “She said you were worried about me.” There was a smugness that she decided to gloss over. Why was Sarah so surprised they had been talking about her behind her back? Why was she surprised that they had each other’s phone numbers?

“And you didn’t think to get in touch?”

“I thought you didn’t want to talk to me.”

Sarah chewed her bottom lip. If he could only see her now. He’d get a kick out of it for sure.

“Alright. Fair enough.” She sighed. “You’re OK. Good to know. I’ll let you get on with whatever you’re up to.”

“Is that it? That’s all you wanted to say to me?”

“Apparently Audrey has been filling you in.”

“Oh fucking-” He stopped himself. “You cannot be mad about this, surely. Listen, all she said was that you weren’t sure if I was OK because you thought I hadn’t been in touch with the guys. That’s all. She was doing the very thing you should have done yourself.”

She paused and swallowed. “Right.”

“Come on, Sarah. She thought she was helping. She’s just being a good friend.” He pinched the skin on his forehead between his thumb and forefinger. “And it was like yesterday or whenever. It’s not like we’ve been in touch constantly and talking about you all the time. She hasn’t said anything about how much you’re in love with me or how you can’t sleep for thinking about me.”

“What?!”

“It was a joke.” He deadpanned.

“Oh.” She said.

His heart sank – it wasn’t that much of a joke, he had hoped. He slid his hand down his face in frustration, pinching his nose slightly before leaning back on his sofa and staring up at the ceiling. He held his phone tightly to his ear and waited for her to speak.

“It’s OK.” She finally spoke. “I get it. I shouldn’t have been so distant these past few days. I’m sorry, Chris.”

He certainly wasn’t expecting that apology but he could roll with it. “This isn’t all on you, Sarah. I could have been in touch more, too. With everybody, I guess. I had a couple of meetings I had to prepare for so I think I just took that as an excuse not to be more present.”

“Anything fun?” She asked, taking the opportunity to change the subject.

“Kind of. Nothing massive. It’s an ensemble piece that a director wanted to talk to me about. It actually sounds pretty cool.” He scratched the side of his beard in contemplation. “It’s your cup of tea for sure. You like those murder-mystery-type films, right?”

“Oh yeh! Like Agatha Christie and Poirot? Love them.”

“I thought so. It’s a great script and I get some funny lines for a change. It’s something a little different and Matt keeps telling me that I need to think outside of the Marvel box, so…we’ll see how it goes.” He could feel himself growing a little more enthusiastic at the prospect of doing the movie. He should probably call Matt and tell him the same thing. He sounded like he was having a rough day so a contrite and grateful actor would cheer him up no end.

“Anyway, that’s about it. I’m kinda bored to be honest. Have you eaten yet today?”

She had all but emptied the fridge last night to remove anything that might go off in the next couple of days. Now it was filled with some of Shanna’s favourite things and there wasn’t anything in it that really appealed to her at this moment in time. She hadn’t thought much about food all day to tell the truth. She figured she’d grab a bagel while waiting for her flight.

“Um, no.” She said. “But I’m not that hungry either.”

“You don’t want waffles? With white chocolate? Raspberries?”

She did want that now he mentioned it. “No, I’m good.”

“That’s a lie.”

“It is not a lie.” Even she knew she wasn’t being convincing.

“Everybody wants waffles.” He implored. “It’s God’s way of saying he wants you to be happy. Come on, it’s my treat.”

“I just think…we probably shouldn’t see each other for a while.” She looked down the hall at the packed bags currently leaning against her bedroom door.

“It’s waffles, Sarah. I think I can control myself.”

“Um…”

“That’s good enough for me. See you in twenty.”

He hung up before she could respond. With no opportunity to persuade him otherwise, she stayed put in her kitchen, waiting for waffles.

“Hi.”

“Hi,” She smiled at him openly and saw his shoulders relax. Without prompting, he walked in past her and placed the take-out boxes on the counter. They were the size of pizza boxes and she felt her tummy rumble in anticipation.

“So, I’ve been thinking.” He started as he turned to face her again.

“In the few minutes since we last talked?” She spoke in jest.

“Hush, Bernette.” He eye-rolled. “I’ll have you know, I’ve been thinking very seriously these past few days and I know it’s tough right now but just hear me out, OK? Because I think I know a way to make things a little easier. Maybe if you get some time off from work, get some time away from everything, from Boston perhaps, it could actually make things a little better for the both of us. For everyone. I’ve been trying to think about things in a different way and not in my usual blinkered view or whatever the fuck Scott says I have, and I honestly think I’m seeing things a little clearer now, and…”

He glanced away from her face for only a split second but it was enough for him to visibly shrink a little in his stance before her eyes. Sarah followed his eyeline to the bags currently resting down the hall. The angle of the suitcase was hiding the other bags behind it but if he shifted a mere foot forward, he could possibly get the full picture.

Turning back to look at her, he furrowed his brow in confusion. “What’s going on?”

Sarah visibly swallowed and he knew the answer before she even opened her mouth. He became all too aware of her hands and arms hanging limply at her sides.

“I’m going to see my parents for a few days.”

“A few days? That’s a lot for a few days, Sarah. You normally travel light.”

“I just packed for a little longer ‘cos I wasn’t sure what I was going to-”

Chris didn’t give her time to bend the truth. He turned and walked back into the kitchen. She watched him move to the window before looking down at his feet and shaking his head in frustration. He rubbed a hand solidly over his beard. “You’re leaving.”

“Well, yeh, I’m going to see my parents and the two usually go hand in hand.”

“Oh, fuck off, Sarah.” He spat. “Don’t get smart with me. You’re doing a runner. This looks like a fucking cop-out.”

“No, you’re wrong. It’s not a cop-out and I don’t appreciate that tone either. If I was doing a runner, do you think I would do it in broad daylight and tell everyone what I was doing? I literally just told you where I was going.” She retorted.

She grabbed the last bottle of water from the fridge. She wasn’t particularly thirsty at that moment in time but she knew that he would eventually want it and she didn’t much feel like being accommodating right now especially not to a man who was calling her out in her own home. That he was entirely accurate in his assumptions was, well, irrelevant.

“How long are you really going for?” He asked as he watched her disappear from view and back down the hall to her bedroom.

“I just told you. A few days, maybe a week or so, and then I’ll figure it out from there.”

“Figure what out?”

“Just…” She turned back to face him, waving her hand vaguely in front of her in the vain hope he would suddenly understand everything she was trying to say. Either he did and didn’t want to give her an easy “out” or, most likely, he had zero clue because neither did she. Giving up, her shoulders slumped from their squared-off position just seconds ago when she was trying to give the impression of strength. “It’s just a lot, all of this, and I need some time out.”

He took another couple of small steps towards her before stopping by her bags. Looking down, he could see her intentions as clear as day now but as he looked back into her eyes, he could see her exhaustion ever clearer. They should be on the same side. He shouldn’t be picking on her this way.

“You just said I could do with a break, right?” She shrugged. “So, this is what I’m doing. You should be pleased. You could even say I’m taking your advice if you wanted to.”

“Yeh, but I actually meant taking a break together.” He conceded. “I came here to say I thought we could go to L.A. for a little while. I need to check on a couple of work things and I thought you could come with me. Nothing funny, I promise. Some proper sunshine might be cool, right?”

Sarah was struck by the kind gesture and the glint of hope now showing in his eyes. Despite what they had both said, he clearly hadn’t lost the small possibility that maybe they could try and forge something out of the ruins and, under different circumstances, she might have been tempted.

“Thanks for thinking of me.” She offered, merely giving him a small smile. It didn’t seem like there was much else to say. The bags were packed and now that he could take in his surroundings, it felt a little emptier somehow and like it had all been wiped clean. Except he didn’t feel so clean. He could feel her on him, on his skin and in his head, and he doubted he could remove her as easily as she was clearly hoping she could remove him.

“Do you think you’ll let us know when you come back?” he asked.

She looked passed him and down the hall, focussing on nothing in particular. “Yes, of course I’ll let you guys know. I’m not going forever.”

She tried her best to convince him but she knew it wasn’t going to do much.

“I know that,” he sighed. “but it’ll be weird not seeing you every day. It’ll be sad. I’ll be sad about it.”

He let out a deep breath and shuffled his feet awkwardly as he tried to think of something to say that might drag things out a little more, that might cause her to rethink her plans. It was one of the more frustrating things about her, that she could keep a secret so well. He briefly wondered if he could think of some more frustrating things about her that might help him cope with the current situation but no. Who was he kidding?

“I like this apartment.” He finally offered. “Some good memories.”

“You know that Shanna will still be here, right?” She chuckled.

“But you won’t be.” He said. “And between you and me? You’re kind of my favourite.”

“I won’t tell Scott you just said that.”

“He knows already. I wouldn’t worry about it.” He said. “Hey, do you think I could come and visit you?”

“Um-”

“-Just think about it. You don’t need to answer right now. It’s been ages since I’ve been to Maine and I hear they have amazing seafood.”

Sarah laughed again and regarded him like the small puppy he so obviously was. A small puppy that she realised she had been kicking ever-so-slowly over the past few weeks and it made her feel like shit. As much as she tried to convince herself otherwise, she knew she was running away and she knew she was a coward.

“I am sorry, Chris. For everything. I can’t really explain it in a way that means anything right now but I just wanted to say it clearly one more time to you in case I hadn’t really said it before.”

Chris held his hand up to stop her from saying anything more. He didn’t need an apology from her. Hearing her apologise only made him feel worse. Of the multiple times she had been caught under his gaze, nothing was quite like the way he was looking at her now.

“Sarah,” he started. “I need you to know that whatever it is you want from me, I’ll never say no.”

“Chris, I-”

“-Honestly, that’s….that’s the only thing I really wanted to say.” He held his hand up again to stop her if she was thinking of interrupting him again. “I’m gonna go and I hope you have a safe trip, OK? Enjoy your waffle. Maybe send me a text or something, let me know you made it there in one piece. If you want to. Maybe we’ll see each other again sooner rather than later.”

She saw his eyes glance behind her and into her bedroom. He turned and glanced once more into the bathroom like he was taking a mental picture of the place which seemed crazy to her until she remembered that he wasn’t strictly talking to Shanna and it was unlikely he’d be back here anytime soon. God, she hoped they’d fix things. She needed to at least believe her leaving would make things a little better for them. Otherwise, what would be the point?

They didn’t say goodbye in the typical sense or any kind of sense, really. She was almost relieved to watch him walk away quietly without looking back and equally as relieved to have made it to the airport without much more fuss.

Like it was said, she was a coward.

Audrey had called her to wish her a safe journey and then spent fifteen minutes complaining about O’Brien and a patient who had taken to calling her “princess”. Sarah was glad of the distraction as she made her way through the airport towards the waiting lounge. It was pretty busy for the time of evening but she was glad to feel invisible once again as she moved through the heavy criss-crossing crowds of people, each with their own issues to deal with. Something about strength in numbers perhaps. A couple more hours and she’d be home again. A couple more hours and Jocelyn could stop texting her messages that made little sense.

Oh God.

Living with her mother again was going to try her patience. Maybe this was the price she had to bear? It wasn’t too late to change her mind, Audrey had said before pleading in a half-joking, half-serious manner that surely, she wasn’t going to leave her to handle the hospital by herself? It was almost like she was expecting never to see Sarah again. A few weeks. That was all it was going to be. Then she’d figure out what to do from there, with a break and some fresh Maine-air to clear the cobwebs. Chris was right about the seafood and the closer she got to her departure time, the more she started looking forward to it. She was sure she was making the right decision.

Chris 19.46pm: Don’t forget about us xx

She was sure she was making the right decision.

It was 100% the right decision.

Right?

#chris evans #chris evans fic #fanfiction #clear the area #sarah bernette #chris fic #chris evans x original female character #evans fic

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memory-hoarder · 3 years ago

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WARNING (LONG POST AHEAD)

I turn off the lights, scrolled my phone and clicked the Spotify app currently listening to (calming acoustic) 10: 05 PM, best time to unleashed all emotions that piled up from nowhere. I covered myself with a huge blanket and placed the laptop on my lap and decided to visit my page. I know, I'm being inactive lately but I'm doing my best to update my journal publicly to remind me of my long absences.

Tonight, I decided to post the questions I received a night before my birthday celebrated. I kept this on my file for a month now. Admittedly, this is the huge decision I made on my birthday. So, I asked a random people on my messenger lists - some are my work colleagues while others are acquaintances. At first, I am hesitant to ask for favor to anyone but I did. Well, I guess it was successful though I received different reactions - some confused and thought I was making fun while others are game on to sent their questions. Obviously, it took days for me to answered cos it turns out that I wasn't prepared myself for few questions that somehow affects me literally.

The twist here is I am not allow to send my answer to their questions. However, I can answer it through this journal. Which I described as bravery.

Here are some of the questions:

How’s Life? How’s Life?

A question that been asked me twice. Well, this year was the great sadness of my life that challenged me mentally, emotionally and drained me physically. Sometimes a mere struggle on financially. I’m doing fine but lots of times I seriously breaking down especially the trauma of what happened 8 months ago. But today, I accepted the fact and slowly healing me and appreciate what really God’s intention and plan for my life.

Are you happy right now?

Not sure how to put it into words but there is no reason not to be happy. Right? If you just appreciate the life you are living right now or even the smallest thing that makes you smile or giggle I guess there is no reason to be sad at all. Although, lots of times I felt happy, sad, angry or lost. But there are still lots of reasons to celebrate or be joyful too. I juts let myself felt all the emotions that life wanted me to experienced to remind me that I indeed exist. There are people who could bring me joy and sadness at the same time but all I know they are all part of my journey.

Have you ever missed me before we lost our communication? Do you consider me as true friend?

Of course, I do. I miss the old you the person who I genuinely treasured during my college days. And, you are one of the reasons why I indeed survived college. I just don’t understand why we both let this friendship died. Was it because we no longer catch up? But, how I hope building friendship again will no longer hard as I imagined. But, please know that you became part of my story. I always count on you whenever I am sad and confused. I feel comfortable sharing my thoughts because I know you will never judge me. Hope to see you again soon. Take care of yourself!

Why there are times you don’t have the mood to talk?

Because, I read my surroundings and I feel comfortable being alone not to isolate but to process my own thoughts with myself which my normal thing growing up and I choose this way - became aloof at times not wanted to talk to anyone or go out. It makes me sad to think only few understand my personality. However, I can't just normalize this because of extrovert people I knew. I don’t have mood to talk and I push away people closed to me because I find a happy place being alone. Its not sad or dark what it gives me is peace of mind that no on can offer.

Would you like to change your past or stay on your present path? Why and why not?

I believed majority will choose the past, we all wanted to change one thing that we regret of doing - apologies, goodbye's, places to travel, opportunities we must have and other important things we slip away that is why I choose the past over my present. One thing I am eager to experience all over again is my mom's precious life, only if I had the power to bring her back. I was just 16 years old when she died, and I think the years of her being a mother to us will never be enough. However, her life is a blessing and all the valuable teachings that she imparted on me and to my siblings will remain on us forever. How I wish for her to at least see as growing up especially my brother that she spoiled a lot, and for us to give back all the things she deserved. I imagined date her on a restaurant, buy her clothes, treat her to the salon or accompany her on the grocery store. I also wanted to visit the past to catch up with my high school friends – Mira and Jeno, I will never forget how they literally brings me deep joy and the reason I am early bird during junior high because of the dare. I just missed the sound of Jeno's sense of humor, I treated her more than a friend rather a sister and it broke me when I received the news that he's gone. I was not there for him nor visit his and mom's grave for years now. I wanted to comfort Mira, but I am too far away and impossible to have my own money for my flight expenses. What I did is to cried and prayed for his soul. All of the good memories flashed back once more yet I realized God might took away two beautiful souls in my life but I am confident they watching over and guiding me through life.

I am or was curious regarding James situation, did it ever cross your mind you regret James being your boyfriend?

In all of the questions I received this one hits me hard to the core. For everyone’s knowledge James and I are in a relationship for over 4 years now. Just like other couples we did fight over little things yet we matured and grow together. One thing I really loved about James Charlie is how kind and pure his heart. He helps people as long as he can even himself are struggling to live. Not to mention his over confidence that I am jealous of. I guess, because of how friendly and inviting his amour. Also, a talented one he knows how to dance, sing and imitate different kinds of sounds, He’s grammar and vocabulary are lit. He can also play guitar very well, draw portrait’s and even writing a poems. He knew, he won my heart through his creative abilities. I was also surprised how he interested over history of aliens, bermuda triangle, mermaids and what I consistently heard of the Pyramid of Giza, life documentaries and other related history of it. I find him sexy whenever he talked about some of it. Our age gap is never an issue on our relationship and I am lucky that he guided me on everything, considered my opinions or thoughts and when I freaked out badly which occasionally happened he handle me perfectly and I appreciated his temperament level during my anxiety attacks or whenever I choose to isolate myself him being shut off. He understood me in my own terms and be myself. Yet relationship will test your loved from one another, there were also things that I don’t like of him doing however James does listened to me. He listens to advises either coming from me or from other people that cared for him. He is a vocal person, that one thing that I fall for him is his sense of humor. I guess talkative and being clingy towards person is his nature especially growing up in a broken family. Consistent communication is a key. I remembered he told me that I was different to all the girls she dated on his past life. That I am out of his league, he doesn’t know that he is of out my league too but when I know him deeply he taught me lessons in life and felt his warm love. Over the course of our relationship he respect the limitless of our love language and he accepted and understood the love without intimacy is a different level of love and respect and from his perspective I wanted everyone to know that James has a huge respect towards me, my beliefs and reasons. How someone could wait for something that he can easily took away something on his past relationship. Our relationship is somehow changed us individually into a better person. Getting older, he became dreamer and goal oriented. I witnessed all his hard work, that he celebrated through silence. He wanted to build home and think of small business that will be our retirement in the future. How many kids we wanted or how many dogs we will going to breed. I guess, some people misunderstood James for so long, how miserable life that no one to talk and curse during your victories or failures? Friends and addiction in alcohol and other stuff are his way of escaped, escape from the reality that lead him to take his own precious life once. I know how difficult life for him way back on his early 20’s that he fought all his battle alone and how he overcome his depression and addiction without someone to lean on. And nowadays, everything makes sense to me that I realize being independent sometimes is not a choice but more on a decision. decision and accepting no one will guide you through your journey so you have to do it alone either it brings you sadness or happiness in a process, not to count living alone and make money all by yourself. I agreed he might do bad decision in life but that doesn’t mean his life has no purpose at all. Instead, God is confident that he will win this battle not for everyone, not for the sake of me or our relationship but for himself. As for our current situation, I know being with him and fight through the end will inspired him a lot. Yes, he currently working on his self and will prove to everyone when the time comes that he will be able to regain his new

life and continue living.

We introverts, tend to think a lot, like really overthink a lot. What do you mostly overthink and how deep? Deep, like does it leads you to think more negatively resulting to depression? (mild depression, maybe).

I overthink some scenarios on my head when it really affects my whole being and when every time I think of it, obviously it trigger my anxiety not depression I guess. I can recall one or two hard situations that happened to me, and I know it wasn’t me trying to act that way. I even punished myself and literally breakdown trying to hurt myself, call me freak or whatever cos now I asked myself too how I even allowed myself to did terrible things, because anxiety creeping on me and telling me to do it. But, mostly I think of is my future and myself – deep that it scared me a lot. I have lot of questions of this world that I keep on searching by myself until now.

Why it took for you to share your problems?

Honestly, when I’m having a serious problem I am not confident to share to anybody except to my family who already knew. It took too long because advises no longer work for me, I listened because it was normal people do – advise and advise. Maybe, it was me who are picky to share my problem with, sometimes people listened but never in heart. Not all people deserve to know your struggle and during your lowest times, I have my own terms of coping so you do.

How do you maintain your petite body? If you had three wishes, what would you wish for?

Wow! I never see this coming. Well, I guess being fit is what I inherited on my father's side. They not so fat unlike on my mother's side. I have no limit on foods I intake in other words not your discipline person to look up to. I do eat carbs, junk foods and sodas is always on my list. I never worried if I am physically fit aside from walking Maxine during days off. I don't know how do I maintain this body I guess I'm never. Being fit actually is my insecurity. However, I do loved my body whatever what happen.

Well, if I had 3 wishes in life - first, to end this pandemic so that everything will back to normal. second, for James to have peace of mind and good health while waiting for the process of his case. And, lastly, for me to be strong, lasting patience and strong faith.

How would you solve your problems?

Problems is always part of lives. But, I believed it is always about the degree of the problem. Whenever, I had problem sometimes I resolved it in time but other times I need more time and space to think what will be the resort of it. And, pray for some guidance.

As independent being, how do you handle depression and anxiety?

Good thing to end all of this questions, I became independent when I graduated from college. I have to commute 131 kilometers back and forth from another city just to apply on my first job and the process is never easy at all. When you sent all of your applications form on each companies but never accepted It brought so much sadness, one point of my life I am eager to seek job because I used it as my coping mechanism to walked away from home which I did now, I walked away to protect my peace of mind especially having anxiety growing up and having this thing is hard as people imagined. You might only see darkness and feel of losing but for me, I guess for a year now I handled myself perfectly I never allow this condition to swallow me whole and affect my way of living. I reminded myself to keep strong and remain optimist and always protect my peace of mind at all cost.

I am 24 now strong and happy and leaving Haruki Murakami quote: "And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what storms all about"

#self love #journaling #birthday #24 years old

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jay-and-dean · 5 years ago

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I don’t need you Chapter 7 : Borderline Villains

Dean x reader

Summary : She’s a warrior, she’s a loner. Nothing can stop her, nothing ever had. She doesn’t need Dean, does she ?

This is a request by @magssteenkamp that I decided to turn to a serie, see the original request on the serie Masterlist.

Serie Warnings : Swearing (duh). Mention of death. Smut, probably all kind from rough to fluffy, I’ll precise in the chapters if there are specific warnings. Fluff. Angst of course.

Chapter warnings : Swearing. Angst. Implied smut. Fluff

Words : almost 3k

Note : I’ll try to stick to the 3k rule, like for Rescue You

I thank @roonyxx because I would never have made it without her. She kept me motivated when I was exhausted and discouraged. And for the calculations...

If everything goes as planned, you’ll get one chapter every wednesday (Thanks to @magssteenkamp, I call it WednesJay, lol. Sorry okay, I shut up).

***Want to read more ? => MASTERLIST***

*** I don’t need you MASTERLIST***

_________________________________

7. BORDERLINE VILLAINS

Reader's Pov

My fingers hurts from gripping Dean's belt so hard, and my throat is sore from holding back screams.

I'm panting, focused on him still inside of me, on his shaking sweaty palms under my spread thighs.

I want him there forever...

I fight against this thought with all my brain but the truth is I really want him right there for the rest of my life. And it's not my brain asking for this... Just being one with him, his lips on my neck, his arms holding me tight. Like nothing could happen to me, like everything was right for once.

And his smell.

The crush kid-me had on him evolved, despite my will to curb it. And I have to admit now that it's not just about the hero... But about the man. This is terrifying.

"Y/n" he whispers in my ear, like he was asking me to be with him and I close my eyes at his voice resonating in my core.

He's softening inside of me and, deep down, I want to cling to him. But I have to let him go... I can't take that risk.

I look down, his scruff tickling me, and see the gun on the ground, sighing. When he puts a shy kiss on my collarbone, I finally find the strength to push him.

I can't get attached to Dean.

Because close is dangerous. Because he would be so disappointed if he could see me, stabbing humans in the chest, cutting throats like a serial killer. Bad men I'm killing... but still people.

And Dean is not a man of one woman, I know that, I have read the books about his life a hundred times, studied him, I have seen him flirt without even realizing it during the hunts. Who could be enough for a man like that ? No one deserves Dean Winchester for them alone.

I know myself. That's what a lot of lonely times does to a person, that's what being confronted to your limits does. I do know Y/n... And I know that give in to Dean would mean love.

I can't do that. Not love. It would break me.

"Move" I say low.

He takes a deep breath and withdraws, his cum dripping from me like the world was telling me it was too late to not get my heart too close to fire.

He puts me on my legs cautiously and searches my face, but I avoid his eyes, trying not to look too cold, but inaccessible in a way, to make him understand.

"That was really hot" I state, bending to reach my pants. "You're... really good at this" I try to compliment him.

"Good at this" he repeats, stern.

"Yeah" I whisper, feeling like I could suddenly cry at the hint of hurt crossing his manly face.

"Good at this" he says again, like he was trying to digest my words, putting his cock back in his pants, and closing his belt harshly. "Can we talk ?"

"About what, Dean ?" I shrug, my armor getting thicker.

"About us" his green eyes hitching on me, he sighs.

"There is no 'us'. Don't..."

He nods, biting his lower lip, his eyebrows slightly raised.

"Yes..." he sighs.

Adjusting his flannel, he poses a second, still looking at me, and finally turns to leave.

Dean's Pov

I could kill her right now. I could...

I rub my face on the parking, not wanting to go back to Sam and I's room right away. I don't want to face my brother and I don't want to see that stupid bedroom again.

I just want to scream, and fucking kill her ! My anger is making my blood boil and I have to stop myself from running back to her room three times.

Why do I even care ? She doesn't want me, she doesn't care. She's a good friend and an awesome hunter, it should be enough. The only one I can blame is me.

Talk about us.

Stupid !

How desperate do I sound now, huh ? What would I have said anyway ? It's not like we were going to, I don't know, date ? I can't have a relationship, and it was always fine like that. And Y/n... She's not like the others, she's not someone you can bring home to cuddle, she's not someone you can own or tame.

Y/n is wild. And even if she was not...

She doesn't like you. Not because you have those... damn feelings !

"Stupid !" I groan, hitting the wheel of Baby with my foot.

What do I do now ? What am I supposed to do ? I can't forget us, she lives with us... I can't seduce her, I can't have her, I can't let her break me. And when she decides to go, I won't hold her back.

She will leave. She will.

Maybe I just need to be a good friend. Stop whining and be a friend... I admire her, and I really like her being around, so I will just take that, and suffocate those unrequited feelings that are making me crazy.

I have no right to be angry.

I enter the room and avoid Sam's eyes when I go to the shower. I can feel his glare on me but I don't want questions, I don't want him to ask me if we "talked"... He called her a time bomb...

Well guess what Sammy, my heart just exploded.

***

The victim is talking to Y/n, she saw her friend being hunted by a weird man with claws and sharp teeth... She is in shock and shaking. But somehow, Y/n makes her calmer, like magic ; and she does with a softness I wish I could seen in her eyes when she looks at me.

But it is not going to happen, because she barely looks at me anyway since that evening three days ago.

I can't help but wondering : Did I hurt her ? We were rough and wild. Or did I scare her ? How could I... She was the one holding a loaded gun to my head. No... She just regrets it.

Simple and hurtful regret.

Sam is staring at her like he was trying to understand how she can be so fierce, and so sweet. She just can, she just is. Both leather corset and Hocus Pocus t-shirt. She's a kid that grew up too fast, she built defenses no one can really understand, but her heart is still all new and shiny under it, too sensible behind the walls.

Walking to us, she bites her lips anxiously and I can tell she's sincerely pained by the young girl grief.

"She said it was before midnight" she states. "She's absolutely sure. Sorry Sam, it doesn't match. Maybe we should just... take a little break ? You guys look exhausted. I say we go eat something, and we take turns to sleep. Sam you need a nap, I'll keep searching okay ?"

When I'm about to decline her offer, my brother sighs, and accepts, admitting he's so tired his head hurts.

"We've been hunting for months, I really think we need a serious break after this one. Dean you look like crap" he says and I chuckle.

"Thank you Sammy, always a pleasure."

The room is silent, and I would appreciate the calm if my heart wasn't resonating so hard in my skull.

Sam went to sleep a little, giving us a thousand orders, and Y/n wrote everything down, winking at me. I understood later that she just wanted him to be relaxed enough to sleep, so she made him think everything was going to be exactly like he wanted to while he was resting...

She's focused on her screen, reading something with a light frown, now and then writing down something on a notebook she bought a few days ago. And it makes me think of all those notebooks she had.

"When did you start writing on notebooks ?" I break the silence, clearly surprising her.

"I... uhm" she hesitates a second, then dive her eyes deep inside mine. "I had no laptop when I was... when I had no home. So in my bag I could only fit a notebook... Later it kinda became I don't know, a habit ?" she chuckles lightly, almost OCD if you want my opinion."

"It is an awesome idea, my dad's journal saved my life more times that I can count" I smile shyly.

"Yeah... well" a sad look appears on her face. "Your dad's journal didn't burn. When I think I could have saved everything if it was a numeric file..."

"I'm sorry" I sigh, not knowing what else to say.

"It's life" she shrugs. "And I'm used to lose everything at once."

I swallow hard, her words hurting me right in the chest, getting up to get two beers and a few snacks. Handing one to her, I dare :

"How long ?"

She looks up at me before I sit again, closing the book in front of me to make her understand I really intend to talk now. She always thinks she has to be by herself, she doesn't, she has friends now, she has me, and if I can't be anything else than that, at least I'm going to be a good friend.

"What ?" she takes a sip of her fresh beer.

"How long did you stay alone in the street ?"

She freezes, looking down for a minute, playing with the label of her beer, like there was anything to be ashamed of. There isn't.

"After my parents died... When I was 12. I... I tried to get out of the city to join that aunt I heard of in Main, my father used to say she was a nice person. I had never seen her but I knew her name" As I listen, I sit back in my chair, giving her all my attention. "I didn't want to go to a children home, because I knew cops would interrogate me... and, well I also knew vampires controlled some cops."

The more she speaks, the more she looks like that beautiful woman that got up in the middle of the night in her apartment with her messy hair. She pushes some strands out of her face and takes a shaky breath, still not looking at me.

"But, yeah, the vampires were looking for me, and of course, everyone was. The daughter of the murdered couple had disappeared, my face was everywhere. That stupid picture of me sitting on the couch with my Nintendo..." she shakes her head like remembering that picture was making her uncomfortable. So I hid. It was... really pathetic, Dean, nothing was heroic about it."

She takes another sip of her beer, closing the zipper of her hoodie, like she subconsciously needed to hide.

"Time passed. People concluded I was dead, and my face disappeared from the streets. The first year I didn't have enough money to go to Main anyway... Why am I telling you all that ?" she sighs.

"Please, you know everything about me because of those books, just... tell me a little more" I almost plea, and she bites her lip.

"The next years, I just thought it was better for my aunt too, if I stayed dead. Thanks to the Supernatural books, I knew about hunters... It was a book, but has vampires existed for real, why not hunters ? It took me years to find signs of their existence. When Joe..." she swallows hard, holding back tears. "When Joe found me turning around the bar like a stray cat and offered me food, then that first job, I was eighteen. It saved me from the cold and the hunger. I couldn't work with alcohol but he trusted me to clean after he closed the bar. Hunters didn't ever acknowledge me. But at some point, I asked about you, you know..."

"Really ?" I raise my eyebrows, my own voice annoyingly interrupting her story.

"Yes... Th-they told me to forget about you, they said you were dead 'again' after fighting leviathans."

When I really thought talking about her parents death, or Joe's would be what crushes her, she wipes a tears saying that.

"Y/n" I say getting closer cautiously, my chair aware that this could make her close totally for good. "I... I came back."

But she doesn't close, her wet eyes finally come up to mine and search my face.

"You don't understand Dean. You were the... the hope. I used to hold on to those books and sleep with them against me like a bible" her voice breaks. "And the very second I learn my hero actually exist for real... they tell me you are dead."

I put my hand on hers, holding back tears ; my brain suddenly randomly realizing she's way younger than me, I never actually thought of it.

"It's..." I try but what to say after that ?

"That's when I understood if I needed a hero, I had to become one, and only count on myself."

I lower my head, my heart pounding in my chest, still convinced that any faux pas could make her shut me out completely.

"That's why you can't... grow attached to anyone..." I dare.

Reader's Pov

His hand is sending shivers in my spine, and his words hit me like a fucking train.

"Among other reasons, yes" I whisper, my emotions strangling me. "But yeah... Look what happened to Joe..."

I wish I could push him away, tell him to leave me... But the strength irradiating of him is wrapping me like reading books used to. I feel both safer and exposed...

"What reasons ?" he asks after a while, like he was weighting his words.

Dean is not someone that usually insists on talking, so I guess he really wants to understand something.

"Dean... Your brother is right... I'm a time bomb" I free my hand from his. "Not the fun kind. I... I get angry."

"I get angry too" he states, serious.

"Dean... listen. You said killing humans was the definition of monsters..." I swallow and take a deep breath. "Then I am just that."

"Me too... you and me... we're borderline villains" his index finds my chin and lifts it to make me look at his face.

I just can't get used to how beautiful he is.

"Sam did researches on you, Y/n... With help and a witch friend... he found some things, and a trail of human monster corpses in your wake... We watched who you killed and... I'm so sorry you had to face all of this so young... Who would I be if I told you that you should have bought them to justice ? Violence brings violence..."

My heart falls from my throat and I nod.

He knew. I knew and he's telling me that he would have done the same... Suddenly, the high walls around my soul fall apart and I burst in tears.

He quickly bends and wraps his arms around me tightly.

"I'm not in Purgatory... I'm not in books, I exist... I'm right here, Y/n. I'll stay here. I'm so sorry you were confronted with all that sick crap so young..."

I cling to him, hiding in his neck to cry, my hands fisting his flannel like my life depends on it. His palms are flat on my back, and it feels like he was holding me together.

The door suddenly opens, and I slightly jump, but Dean puts a protective hand on my head and I know I have nothing to fear.

"We will be here in a few, Sammy" Dean says softly.

"N-no problem..." Sam stammers and clears his throat. "Rowena found something on the vampires but you take your time."

"Okay, thank you" my hero says, still holding me.

The door closes and I let go for a second to wipe my face, afraid to soak his skin with tears.

"Y/n..." he catches my eyes.

And before I can see it coming, his soft plum lips slowly crushes on mine, my salty tears wetting both our lips.

I close my eyes and forget with kisses are too important. Nothing is really important anymore. So I let him kiss me, his lips tasting mine shyly...

Too late for not falling in love.

________________________

***FEEDBACK IS GOLD***

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#supernatural #SPN #spn fic #SPNFamily #dean winchester #Supernatural Dean Winchester #dean winchester fic #dean x y/n #dean x reader #spn dean x reader #Smut #angst #fluff #jay-and-dean

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hollands-poppet · 5 years ago

Text

Dancing with Our Hands Tied // Epilogue // Tom Holland x Reader

Summary: Tom Holland is your best friend and your roommate, but you both have undisclosed feelings for each other.

Word count: 3.5K💛

A/N: Hello again!! I honestly thought I would never finish this story but I did....I can’t believe it. I want to thank @ladybirduris for really pushing me to finish this story, y’all deserve a proper ending and here it is..even though the wait was long! Alright, enjoy..see you at the end!!!

Warnings: Italics is flashback, cussing, I kind of proofread but not really, maybe some tissues?

PART 1 PART 2 PART 3 PART 4 PART 5 PART 6 PART 7 PART 8

“I feel like I can actually be in a room alone, you know? No fear, no anxiety.” Y/N remarks as she updates her therapist on the last couple of weeks. She had been seeing her shrink for about a year now.

“It’s been a tough road but I feel so much better. I feel like I can actually take over the world now.” Her hand grips her right knee, she holds it tightly almost as a pinch to remind herself she’s not floating from her excitement.

Y/N had been sort of high on life lately, she’s gotten really good press for collabing with Haus Labs and she’s being recognized by a lot of celebrities for her makeup work. She didn’t know that life could be this good, considering the fact that her life was a mess a year ago. She knew life was unpredictable but didn’t know that she could live life comfortably so soon.

Her therapist responds with a nod, “Have you found a place to live yet?” They scribble some notes while keeping their contact with her client.

Y/N giggles, “What can I say? I’m a gypsy. My belongings are at my mom’s home but I bounce everywhere.” It was true, she was busier than ever and she just never got around to getting her own place. And she honestly felt like she didn’t need one at this current point of her life, she didn’t want to anchor herself to a permanent place just yet.

She felt so liberated the day she moved out of her old apartment. It felt like whatever negative energy had been latched onto her and wasn’t letting her live a normal life had stayed behind in that place. Her anxiety and depression, her neediness stayed at the place where her intruder had robbed her of her peace of mind. It took time but her peace eventually made its way back to her.

“So… what’s next for you, Y/N?”

Y/N takes a deep breath while tucking a piece of hair behind her ear, “ I don’t know..something different. I feel like I can take on the world, you know?”

Her therapist nodded with genuine happiness for her and began to look through her notes, “It’s been a good year Y/N, but I have to ask...anything in the past you feel like you want to go back to?”

Y/N purses her lips in thought, she’s taken herself to the day she decided she wanted help. So many memories, an overwhelming moment floods her thoughts.

“We can’t, Tom.” She doesn’t move, not even an inch because the warmth feels nice and familiar. She’s weary of even giving into a hug or a kiss, she doesn’t want to regret her decision.

He notices her not wanting to give into him but he also knows that this is what she has wanted for a long time..actually what they both have wanted for the longest time.

“Come on, love…aren’t you tired of dancing with our hands tied?” He asks as his hands rest on her neck, and her hands slowly come up his.

Her head comes closer to his, their noses touching at this point, “I am tired..but I need to work on myself first.”

Their lips touched and it felt like nothing had ever gone wrong between the two. They were just two young kids who wanted only this and this moment to last forever.

She pulls away and her sighs, she needs to express a bit more before any of this goes further, “Tom..I just want you to know that I can’t move to Kingston…”

He nods in agreement as their noses are still intact, “That’s okay, love. You don’t-”

“But, I do. I really do want to move there and be with you.” She bites her bottom lip as her hands hold onto arms tightly, “I just need to make sure I’m okay..And I don’t know if that’ll be tomorrow, a week, a month, a year.” There is a pause between the two, she’s nervous. All she wanted was this to work and whether that meant they had to work on themselves separately or together.

All y/n wanted to make sure was that he made her heart feel safe, and that if this wasn’t okay that he needed to tell her that. All she wanted to hear was that it was going to be okay, and his response was only a few moments away. She hoped he didn’t run away this time.

“Hey, if the universe wants us to be together...then we’re going to be together.” Toms says defeated, he wanted nothing but the best for the girl he loves. He watched the tears roll down her cheeks, he brings his hand to her cheeks and wipes her tears away. He gives out a sad smile, “I’m gonna let you go.”

Y/N’s tears flow even faster now, it was a bittersweet moment. He was respecting her wishes but she didn’t want to leave him. He continues, “I’m not going anywhere. I’m always going to be here for you, I will always want you.”

She feels comforted by his words, and she was relieved by his willingness to wait for her but she couldn’t do that to him. “You don’t have to wait for him, Tom.”

He looks into her Y/E/C eyes, he’s grasping in what he knows is going to be one of the last moments he is going to have with her for a while. He clears his throat, the ball in his throat causing him to choke up a bit.

A tear finally escapes his eye, “We’re endgame, darling.” They both let out a laugh, he relieves the tension by making a cheesy, yet serious statement.

Y/N nods, her sobs making the most noise in the room. “Okay..endgame it is.” She gives a crooked smile and he gives her one back.

Without hesitation, both of their lips meet. Tom and Y/N take each other in for a few minutes, they didn’t know what the future held for them but now it was goodbye.

She sighs through reliving all of the past with just a few seconds, “I don’t know, a year ago I would’ve said yes in heart beat but now… I’m not so sure.”

Her therapist gives her a reassuring smile, “And that’s okay. As long as your progress and your happiness isn’t going to be jeopardized then that’s okay to take time to figure that out.”

Y/N takes in their comment, she didn’t know what she wanted to do now. She is in such a different place than she was a year ago.

“I don’t want to keep you here all day, so we’ll finish here but let’s get together for an update in six months, okay?” Her therapist remarks as she writes down the future date on an appointment card.

“For sure.” Y/N says, six months was far from this moment but she knew it would fly by just like this year did.

It had been about a month or so since her final therapy session and Y/N’s progress was kept, she was very happy. She felt normal finally, whatever that meant.

She had just finished doing Priyanka Chopra’s makeup for an event, a sweet client that Y/N had just started to work with. Y/N had left the hotel that she had just done her appointment in, throwing her kit of makeup into the lyft that had been waiting outside.

Just as she closes the trunk, she feels her phone begin to vibrate in her pocket. She decides to let it ring and gets into the car, a tired sigh escaping her mouth.

She felt like her phone had been vibrating forever, so she decided to just answer it. Without even giving her screen much of a look and seeing the contact, she answers the call, “Hello, this is Y/N.”

“Hey, Y/N! It’s Z!”

Y/N’s heart dropped, she hadn't seen or spoken to Zendaya that day she had dipped from the shooting Far From Home. She and Zendaya didn’t end off on good or a bad note, she just left. She needed help and she went to get it, and it’s not like she avoided Z because she was resentful. She just felt like her toxic behavior at the time had pushed her best friend away.

“Z- oh my god. I- how are you?”

“I’m good, Y/N. I miss you.” Z remarks, she’s lying in her bed with Noon while her laptop rests on the edge of her bed.

Y/N is trying to process her thoughts at the same speed of their conversation, “I- I miss you too. I wasn’t expecting this phone call today, sorry if I’m a little speechless.” There was a long pause, they hadn’t spoken for a year and it had hit both of them hard.

This was a lot to process, Y/N couldn’t believe this was happening.

“I understand. How are you, Y/N?” Z breaks the silence, she couldn’t pick up her friend’s vibe through the phone yet. She never held anything against her friend for leaving, Z really believed in mental health and it was important that she got help for her mind, body and soul.

Y/N sighs, “I’m okay… okay as in great. I just finished treatment not too long ago so I'm excited to just move on with my life. Life is good right now.”

Zendaya smiles, she sits up in her bed adjusting herself to go a little deeper in the conversation. “That’s really amazing news, Y/N. I’m glad you took care of yourself and you did what you had to do.”

Y/N nods but forgets that Z can’t see her reaction, “Yeah, it was- I’m sorry for everything. Just know that my trauma was taking over me. I never meant to hurt you in anyway.”

“I understand, I was scared to call but I’m happy I did. I never blamed you for anything.” Z exhales nervously before continuing, “I would love to see you, Y/N.”

Y/N smiles, “I-I’m ready to see you... I would love to see you.”

Zendaya giggles, “You know, it still might be too soon but I’m working on a show and I feel like you would kill the makeup looks!”

Y/N laughs at her friend's quick insert for trying to get her a job, “Ah, two birds, one stone. I see, Miss Zendaya.”

They both let out a laugh, Y/N knew Z’s intentions were all good and she probably just wanted to spend time with her again.

“No - but seriously. It’s called Euphoria and the makeup ideas floating around are so dope! You would honestly kill it.

Y/N sits in thought, it’s been a whole year since she and Z had done anything together. “It sounds fun but-”

“Please, please Y/N! You can’t say no!”

Y/N laughs, “How about we talk about it when we see each other?”

Fine.” Z says quickly with a pout. “Oh, my god! Please tell me you’re free this weekend!”

Y/N closes her eyes and thinks about her schedule, “Um, I might be free I think. Why, whats up?”

Z gets excited, she starts speaking so fast Y/N can barely catch up with what she is saying. “We’re doing press this Saturday for Far From Home at Disneyland! You should totally come!”

Y/N forgot she had even worked on that movie. A lot of wild stuff happened during that shoot that she completely blocked that movie from her mind.

There was another bit of a pause and Z took it as maybe Y/N wasn’t vibing, “Look, I understand if you’re not ready-”

“No, I am. I am so over it. I’ll come, I miss Disneyland as much as I miss you.”

Z squeals, “Oh my gosh, yes! Yay! I can’t wait to see you, Y/N.”

Y/N honestly can’t wait to see her best friend either, “Hey, I’m going to let you go here, I’m pulling up to my mom’s house. Send me more info for this weekend when you can.”

“Alright, Y/N, I will. I love you. Bye,bye.”

“I love you, too.” Y/N says right before she hangs up the phone. She lets out a breathy laugh because she can’t believe she had just spoken to Zendaya. She couldn’t believe that they hadn’t spoken in a year. It felt almost the same, she would see how everything would go when she sees her for the press junket.

As Y/N sat in her thoughts, it hit her hard that Tom would be at this press junket too. Oh, shit.

The days leading up to the day Y/N was going to Disneyland was nerve wracking. There has been so much progress and she was scared her nerves would wreck it all.

Maybe she felt scared that Tom would have moved on already. They were at first just roommates turned lovers turned….friends?

Could that be a thing? She didn’t know what to expect, how do you be friends with someone you were once in love with… or still in love with?

Y/N didn’t even go back to their apartment that they had once shared together to get her things, he shipped everything to her mom’s house. At the end of the day, she knew whatever was going to happen was out of her control. But Tom did say that if they were meant to be together, it would happen.

The nerves running through her body were making her palms sweat as she sat on the tram on the way to the park. So many scenarios of how this could go down but she truly had no idea. She got off the tram with the rest of the crowd, and had given Darnell, Zendaya’s assistant, a call because she had her backstage pass. Y/N’s nerves were still really high because this moment was a year in the making.

Darnell met up Y/N at the front gates of California Adventure, they caught a bit and he explained that the cast was going to surprise fans and film some promos. Her anxiety was shooting through the roof as she makes her way through the backstage section of the park but she never felt like more in the right place than she did right now.

“Well, aren’t you a sight for sore eyes?”

Y/N turns around and sees her friend standing right behind her, “Z!!”

With no hesitation, the girls are in each other’s arms. It was one of those moments that fels so right, and it didn’t even feel like the two hadn’t seen each other in a year.

Z pulls back bringing her hands to Y/N’s cheeks, “You look so good! Oh my god, you look amazing!” She pulls Y/N in for another hug which Y/N doesn’t mind, she missed moments like this with Z.

Y/N pulls away, “Thanks, babes! You look so good, too!”

Z does a little pose showing off her look, “Law killed it as per usual!”

They both laugh, “Agreed!” Y/N lets out while tucking her hair hand behind her ear. “So, what are you guys doing now?”

“We actually just finished filming with some fans and took photos. They’re pretty much going to film us going on rides because they need B-roll.”

Y/N nods, “Sounds fun. What were you planning on getting on?”

Z grabs a churro from Darnell, “Well Jacob headed back to the hotel because he doesn’t do rides but Tom wanted to ride Guardians first.”

Fuck, Y/N had already completely forgotten that he was here too. “Z, I-I’m so nervous to see him.” Y/N rubs her palm sweat on her jeans and bites her lip to help calm her jitters.

Zendaya licks the sugar off of her lips, “He hasn’t stopped talking about you..” There is a slight pause only because Y/N was lost in her thought process.

“If you’re not comfortable we can go, the fans only care about Tom anway.”

“You’re not chickening out are you now, Zendaya?” A familiar voice asks and immediately causes Y/N’s heart to beat 10x faster than it already was.

Zendaya turns around and that’s when Y/N she comes into Tom’s full view. This is the first time he had since Y/N that day she left. Sure, he had seen and lightly stalked her instagram here and there but this was the real thing. Time literally stopped, everyone and everything had become frozen in time.

The only noise that can be heard is the theme park music, their eyes locked onto one another.

Y/N makes the first step towards him, and doesn’t hesitate to wrap her arms around him. His arms wrap around her just as quickly as hers did. As much as Y/N’s leaving was growth, it was a learning experience for him too.

He was able to focus on himself and his work but it would be a lie to say time apart from Y/N was difficult. He pulls away, “I missed you so much.” Y/N didn’t even speak, she didn’t have to and just

as the two are about to kiss-

“Alright, lets go. You guys can catch up on the way to Guardians.” Zendaya interrupts.

The two looked at each other and they noticed they were drawing a bit of too much attention from the crew around them.

It was a little bittersweet but catching up sounded nice too. Zendaya and Darnell led the group while the camera crew followed them to every ride. It was a bit hectic but security was able to keep the guests and fans at a good distance.

While the cameras weren’t rolling, Y/N and Tom updated each other on their lives. They both mentioned how they were doing, what they were working on. It was all good vibes, it felt like nothing had changed except that Y/N was leading what calls a “normal” life now.

It had been a really fun day, a draining one as well. Y/N wanted to hang around the park a little bit longer to watch the sunset at Paradise pier. Zendaya and the crew left the park, they were drained but Tom stayed behind with Y/N.

Y/N and Tom stand at the bridge of pier overlooking the view, the ferris wheel and the rides behind adding a very romantic vibe.

“I’m truly happy for you, Y/N. I really am.” Tom says as he looks at the girl next to him.

She smiles while keeping her eyes on the sunset, “You know..I really didn’t want to leave you that day.”

He looks back over at the direction of the ferris wheel, “I know.”

Y/N sighs, “I honestly was scared to lose you.” The sun begins to disappear, the lights of the ferris wheel and park lights shoot up around them.

“I didn’t know if I wanted to come because I was scared that- I was scared that this was going to be different but just being here and seeing you…”

They both look at each other and she continues, “It just feels like home, you know?”

He nods in agreement, “My feelings haven’t changed Y/N.”

She blushes, “So what now?” She asks as she presses her lips.

He shrugs his shoulders, “Well, what is it that you want?”

Y/N turns to Tom, “This year has been soo good to me. I’ve been able to grow, feel like I’m in control of my own life but some things…”

The two turn their heads from the view and to each other’s eyes, “Some people were missing.”

A quick silence between them, nothing changed except for Y/N and this was a better version of herself, “I’m so much better than I was and all I want is to keep growing with you, Tom. I never stopped loving you. I love you, Tom.”

“I know what I want...I want what I wanted a year ago and that’s still you. I love you, Y/N.”

He brings his hand to her cheek and begins to pull her in for a kiss until she stops him, “What did you say that night before I left? Let’s stop Dancing with Our Hands Tied, Tom.”

Tom laughs and brings her head in closer, their noses are touching. “Shut up, Y/N.”

They both laugh and without reluctance, both of their lips meet for the first time in forever and it felt like home to both of them. He pulls away and keeps her close in his arms, “I’m glad you came back to me, YN.”

A/N: THE END. OMFG. ANOTHER STORY COME TO AN END. I just want to thank y’all for sticking with those story for as long as you guys did. I wanted to give Y/N and Tom a proper ending... I can’t believe it’s over. Please send me your thoughts, I love you guys!!! -Amy 💛

#tom holland #tom holland x reader #reader x tom holland #y/n x tom holland #y/n #tom holland blurb #tom holland au #tom holland fic #tomholland fanfiction #tom holland angst #tom #holland #tom holland imagine #tom holland imagines #tom holland x you #you x tom holland #tom holland x y/n imagine #zendaya x reader

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saeyoungs-sunflower · 4 years ago

Text

A Piece of You: Chapter 3

Pairing: Zen x MC

Synopsis: After the death of his sister, Zen is entrusted with raising her daughter. Six years later and MC has settled into RFA, but she just wants to be back on the roof with the love of her life like she was two years before. But dealing with teenage years, dragged out engagements and a lot of unsaid feelings, you start to lose a piece of you. Or, perhaps, find a piece you had that had been missing the whole time.

Warnings: None!

A/N: Heya! So I know this series isn’t getting a lot of notes or anything, but I still have a lot of ideas/inspiration for it so I’m gonna keep it going, even if it’s just for me haha! Also want to say a massive thank you to @sunshinejihyun for saying such kind things about this series and being so enthusiastic for it, as well as just generally being a lovely human being. She’s given me a lot of motivation to keep writing this so thank you so much for that! Love ya!! <3

⇦ Previous Chapter

***

“Oh, two can play at that game, buddy!” MC cried as she threw a handful of flour at Saeyoung, who was currently rolling on the floor, clutching his stomach as tears of laughter rolled triumphantly down his cheeks.

“Honestly, MC! It was an-an accident!”

“Ah okay, so the egg just accidentally got crushed on my head, did it?” you questioned, finger tapping expectantly on the counter, raw egg white now trickling down your forehead.

“Well,” Saeyoung tried to speak, but kept being interrupted by his own laughter, “I guess…you could say you have..” he bit his lip, “egg on your face.”

“You have five seconds to run,” MC said eerily calmly, but Saeyoung knew what was coming and did not miss a beat to bolt out of the kitchen. MC promptly followed, arms held out ready for the most fierce tickle war anyone had ever seen.

“So childish,” Saeran mumbled, perched on the counter-top as he scooped batter out of the mixing bowl before licking the spoon.

Saeyoung was finally caught by MC on the couch, shrieks of laughter filling the house as MC mercilessly tickled his stomach - his most ticklish spot, she’d learnt.

The three had grown remarkably close over the past year or so, after MC spent most of it living with the twins to help the two grow closer together, and to help Saeyoung when Saeran was at his lowest. She always knew how to calm Saeran down whilst also reassuring Saeyoung that he was not at fault. They had become more like triplets, and MC adored her little family. It wasn't a family until she found them, and Saeyoung willed himself to believe that such an immense kindness was nurtured in a place of warmth and care.

But MC was not an open book. She was a brand-new novel, placed prettily on a coffee table to be admired and shown-off. In order to read the contents, the spine would have to be broken, edges curled, pages stained. To understand her would be to break her, which was a price MC wouldn’t dare bid.

Saeyoung thought that such a warm heart would never survive the biting ice of the world, and therefore wearing it on her sleeve would be suicide.

And that’s where he went wrong. That’s where he lost his chance. Because the world wasn’t as cold as either of them initially thought, you just had to look in the right places. Saeyoung had found his place now, and the taste of remorse lingered bitterly on his tongue when he realised he couldn't be that place for her, and that she still didn’t know where to look.

But that thought was for another day. Outward gratitude spoke louder than inward regret.

“Okay! Okay okay OKAY MC I’m sorry! Please, have mercy!” Saeyoung pleaded.

“Hm, sorry’s not good enough.”

“What about if I promise you the love and affection from your favourite tomato - God Seven!”

“I get that anyway. And besides, Saeran’s my favourite tomato.”

Saeyoung let out a cry of disbelief, but Saeran snickered from the kitchen, “Idiot. Know your place.”

He sighed, giving in, “Fine, I’ll stop giving physics lessons in the chatroom for at least two months.”

“Now that’s a deal I can get behind.”

The two shook on it, giggling like children as they headed back into the kitchen, clearing up the absolute bomb site they had made. MC idly glanced up at the clock before letting out a loud gasp, startling both twins. “Crap, I gotta get ready! And get this stupid egg out of my hair!”

“Ooooo,” Saeyoung sung, the corners of his mouth curling into a smug grin, “has someone got a date?” he joked.

MC stayed quiet, suddenly peaking the interest of the red-heads who promptly stopped what they were doing, “Wait, are you serious, MC?!” Saeyoung burst, voice cracking (adorably) at the end, “You actually have a date?”

“Did that punk finally ask you out?” Saeran said nonchalantly as he finished scraping out the remainder of the batter.

MC quirked an eyebrow, “What do you mean? What punk?”

Saeyoung shot his brother a pointed look before turning back to MC, “Ignore him, it’s the salmonella talking. So who are you going out with? Do we know him?”

MC tried to busy herself by checking the cupcakes in the oven, suddenly feeling a little coy about the subject, “I doubt you know him, he's a friend of Zen’s. They’re co-stars in the play he's in, actually.”

Saeran gave Saeyoung a perplexed look, which went completely missed by MC. Saeyoung brushed it off, though he knew he felt the same way as his brother, “Awwww MC! You’re all grown up!” MC groaned, but this only encouraged him, “So, what’s his name?”

“His name’s Chul. And don't you dare go snooping around and doing background checks or whatever. I can figure him out for myself, thank you very much. Promise?”

Saeyoung whined like a toddler, but agreed anyway, “Well, you better get going or you’re gonna be late! Do you want a ride home?”

“It’s okay, I have to stop at the shop on the way,” MC said as she put on her coat and slung her bang over her shoulder. She was also incredibly grateful that she remembered to bring a hat today to…you know, hide the egg and whatnot. “You better save me a cupcake!”

“We’ll bring some round tomorrow,” he called after her, “and you can tell me all the juicy details!”

“Not a chance, Choi boy!” she called out from the doorway before slamming the door.

“She’s seriously going on a date with another guy? I could have sworn she was all loved up by Mr ‘God’s mistake’ or whatever.”

“She was,” Saeyoung sighed, cleaning up the remnants of their shenanigans, “but that was what, two years ago now? Zen hasn’t shown any indication of wanting to go further, she has the right to move on.”

“Sure,” Saeran started as he hopped off the counter to help his brother, “but isn't she going to ask him about it? Just in case?”

“Something tells me she already has.”

Her visit was completely welcome, but unexpected. MC had called the night before asking if they wanted to hang out, when she’d usually just text an hour or so before to check that they weren’t busy and then just turn up. It was like she needed the reassurance, like she needed to have the certainty that she would see them. Like she needed it to get through the night.

It could have been written off as pre-date nerves, but Saeyoung suspected it went deeper than that. You learn a lot from living with someone for months, and Saeyoung knew that MC wasn't acting like herself. The thought made him chew on his lip as he continued to wash up.

Saeran noticed this, lightly punching his brother in the arm, “Hey, she’s a tough girl. I’m sure she's perfectly capable of handling boy-drama.”

Boy-drama? Probably. But Saeyoung knew very well, from his own experience, the look of someone in love, as well as the look of someone heartbroken. He saw the first look fade away from MC’s face, being replaced by the latter. It felt like a punch in the gut.

Once everything was cleaned up, Saeyoung opened up his laptop and started typing away.

He was going to have to break his promise. Just this once. For her sake. He couldn’t fail her for the second time.

He never wanted to see that look on her face again.

***

“So, how long have you known Zen?” Chul asked casually as the waitress brought the bill.

“About two years now, I think?” MC replied, taking a sip of her wine.

“Mm, and how much of that time have you been in love with him?”

MC almost choked on her drink, her eyes darting to his. Chul chuckled, handing her a napkin, “Sorry, I suppose that was a little forward.”

“Just a tad,” MC said, trying to recover, “What makes you think I was in love with him?”

“I saw the way you were looking at him on stage, and the look on your face when he was doing the kissing scene,” he took a sip of his own drink, “I just connected the dots.”

“Ah…I see.”

“Relax, I’m not going to say anything to him. I just want to know what he did to make you look so defeated, so upset,” he stared directly into her eyes, “Were you guys together at some point? Did he hurt you?”

“God no! No no, we were never together,” she felt a sharp pang in her chest, “and he never did anything to hurt me. He’s always been such a sweetheart…”

Chul nodded, listening intently, “So why did you never get together? You both clearly care for each other.”

Why did they never end up together? Ah, yeah, because Zen clearly didn’t want that. Maybe she wasn't his type, maybe he saw her more as a sister, maybe she just wasn’t good enough for him.

Ouch.

“I…We just weren't meant to be, I suppose.” And why were they talking about this anyway? Bit of a weird topic of conversation for a first date, MC thought, “Why did you want to know?”

He smiled, “I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t getting in the middle of anything. And I’ve been worried about that look since I last saw you. I wanted to know if you were alright, and if you weren’t, if it was something I could help you get over.”

MC smirked, “Oh? You think you can help me get over him?” she said jokingly.

“I do,” Chul said gently, “If you let me.”

The night was surprisingly pleasant. Not that MC doubted that Chul was a nice guy, she just thought that going on a date with someone considering her current situation would be too weird, but she actually had a lovely time. They had a fantastic meal at a beautiful restaurant, which despite MC’s protests, Chul paid for. She said she’d pay for the next one, which made Chul smile at the confirmation of a ‘next one’. He walked her home, slowly strolling under the warm glow of the streetlights they passed, hands occasionally brushing against each other, chatting as though they were old friends.

He kissed her softly on the cheek at her doorstep before wishing her a good night. As he turned away, his words from before rang in MC’s ear.

If you let me.

He was already halfway down the block when MC caught up to him, grabbing his arm to spin him round to face her. After a moments hesitation, she balanced on her tip-toes to land a chaste kiss on Chul’s lips, which he happily returned with the same gentleness as before.

MC had never been one to kiss on the first date. Hell, she had never been the one to date full-stop. But she saw an opportunity for adventure, for companionship…for love. She obviously didn’t love Chul, but she knew she could. She would no longer wish upon a shooting star, now she would shoot after it herself.

She broke away from the kiss first and slowly untangled her arms from around his neck, “Goodnight, Chul.”

He smiled softly at her, loosening his hold around her waist, “Goodnight, MC.”

As she walked back to her apartment, she swore she felt the ghost of Chul’s hand on the small of her back, his lips on her own. She suddenly missed his voice, his scent, his touch. She suddenly missed him. Or did she miss being wanted by him?

MC took out her phone once she made it through her door, her thumb hovering over Zen’s number. Usually it was instinctual to call him the second she felt the pull of loneliness, and she knew he would have been worrying about her. But she couldn't bring herself to press the button.

If things were going to work out with Chul, she needed to give him the best chance. She needed to give him her attention, and needed to confide in him rather than a love that never was.

She knew that you can’t get over the hurdle if you never leave the starting line, and she knew that Chul could help her get over it once she did.

If she let him.

***

Masterlist || Next Chapter

#mystic messenger #mystic messenger fanfic #mystic messenger fanfiction #zen x mc #zen ryu #hyun ryu #mm zen #mystic messenger zen #my writing

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superthiccthighssavelives · 4 years ago

Text

Angsty Prompts

Alright @primaba11erina, here is part 1/2 of your prompts.

It’s long af, so I had to split it into 2 pieces, it’s really sad honestly, and my heart hurts from writing it, but hopefully this is what you wanted from them. ❤

Please listen to:

*Ocean Eyes - Billie Ellish*

*Everything to Help You Sleep - Julien Baker*

*The Beach - The Neighbourhood*

(and whatever heartwrenching music you have to get into the mood)

The 2 prompts from the angsty list are in bold

48- “You’re hurting me”

49- “Please just let me go”

@alyss--in--wonderland, @linseykalynn, @jolovesfandoms and whoever else wants to read it.

I’m 3 months into my first semester at college, and I’m completely miserable. I missed my family, I missed my friends, and I especially missed my boyfriend. I knew it was going to be hard, without everyone, but not this hard. I walked around with a black cloud over my head, I couldn’t sleep, I lived off black coffee and my best friend was a tube of concealer.

My boyfriend, Taron, and I had been together since middle school, ya know the innocent puppy love, developing into a more serious relationship. We were always together, we never fought, well rarely, it was so easy with him. He was my best friend. We barely talk. Between classes, studying, sleep?, and everything else, it’s usually twice a week. A quick goodnight here and there, and maybe facetime on the weekend. This sucks. I haven’t even seen him since I left.

He stayed back in London, going to a drama school. His talent was too good to pass this opportunity up. We agreed before I left to make sure nothing would change, we both cried like babies, and couldn’t let one another go. After a few hours, I had to tear myself away or I’d end up staying.

Now, 3 months later, I feel like we’re strangers. It may be naive to think that we could keep this relationship from destructing, especially being so young, but, we really do have an amazing thing going. Or did. I tried to concentrate on school, but as time passed, and more time passes, my thoughts get farther and farther away from that, and are planted in worry and ...that uncomfortable, writhing, anxiety ridden feeling in my stomach.

It’s Friday, and I’m about to finish my last class. I wish I could go home for the weekend, maybe take a day or two off after, to see my mom, my sister, and Taron. I don’t even think we’ve talked in a week, the anxiety was building back up again. We basically were playing phone tag, he’d call when he was free, but I was in class, I’d call him but he’d be in rehearsal. I hate this. I hate this so goddamn much.

I drag myself back to the dorms, skipping the coffee, I just want to sleep. I feel like a snail, I’m practically crawling back. Halfway down the hall, I see someone standing by my door. My eyesight is terrible, I can’t see anything more than 6 feet in front of me. I try to focus my gaze, figuring it was another dude my roommate was banging. As I get closer, my heart speeds up, I see him, my boyfriend, and I very nearly knock him over as I plow into him with a hug.

“Oh my god, what are you doing here?”

He smiled, god, I love his smile, I missed it.

“Surprise!”

I felt tears welling up in my eyes, I couldn’t believe it. He was really here.

All I could do was stare at him, study his face, the color of his eyes, his pink lips, the way the front of his hair has a little curl to it. I barreled myself into him again, squeezing as hard as I could. I don’t care if we just stay like this for however long he’s here, I don’t want to let him go.

He pulled back, placing his hands on either side of my face.

“Are you alright sweetheart?”

I sniffled, realizing I had actual tears dripping down my face.

“I just, I really missed you.” “I’m so glad you’re here.”

“I was going crazy not being able to talk to you, I’ve been miserable.” “My mam got sick of me, I was kind of being a dick, so she bought me a bus ticket to come for the weekend.”

I grabbed his hand, pulling him into my room. My legs were starting to get weak, the walk to the dorms is a bit aways from campus, and I hadn’t slept proper in weeks. A yawn slipped out, maybe I should have grabbed that coffee after all.

“Bored of me already?” A cheeky smile spread across his face

“Sorry, I’ve had a rough couple of weeks, I’m just a little tired.”

I moved closer, sitting on his lap, wrapping my arms around his neck, pressing my forehead to his.

“I’m so so so so so happy you’re here, I can’t even tell you how much.” I could feel my eyes watering again, I really was draining myself so much that I’d become an emotional mess.

He wiped my stray tears away with his thumb, and gave me a gentle kiss. I wanted to stay like this forever. He felt like home, comfort, my heaven. My lips returned to his, just wanting to feel him, his body, his energy, his whole being, just close.

This feeling was so overwhelming, I stopped and just pulled him closer again, my head on his shoulder. His arms were wrapped as tight as they could be around me, rubbing my back.

He soothed me, whispering in my ear, kissing my cheek, my temple.

Eventually I let the craziness pass, and asked what he wanted to do while he was here.

He shrugged “Really, just wanted to see you.”

I couldn’t help but smile. He brought out what I hadn’t felt in months, happiness.

We ordered a pizza and watched movies on my laptop, while I struggled to stay awake. His body was warm, and familiar, and my eyes were drooping, and I ...was...so...tired.

I snuggled up as close as I could get to him, his arm wrapped around me, his hand twirling around in my hair. I felt more and more relaxed as each second passed, I couldn’t fight it any longer.

I jumped up abruptly, not knowing what day or time it was, thinking I was late for class. It took me a second as I looked at the clock that read 11:13, to figure out if it was AM or PM.

My brain started to wake up, glancing beside me to see Taron looking at me concerned. “Are you alright love?”

“Yeah, is it morning or night?”

“Morning, you’ve been out for 12 hours, are you sure you’re alright?”

I plopped back down, pulling him to me for a kiss, even though I’m sure my breath was terrible, I just wanted to make sure he was still there and I wasn’t dreaming.

“Of course, I’ve not been sleeping well, and I think my body just decided to take over. I’m sorry I slept so long, is there anything you wanna see, or do today?”

“Whatever you'd like.”

I thought for a moment, unsure of where to take him. There is that bookstore/cafe I go to a lot when I need to get away from my roommate and her endless stream of men. It was late autumn, so a walk through the park to see all the beautiful colored trees and landscapes would be nice too.

After a shower, and doing the minimum on my hair and makeup, I hurried back to my room. I didn’t want to waste any time doing anything but being with him.

We had an amazing weekend, I took him to all my favorite places, we tried a new restaurant I’d been afraid of eating at, and crashed back at my room. We definitely made up for lost time, I forgot how incredible he felt and what he could do to me and my body. It was almost enough to make me quit school and go back home with him.

Sunday afternoon was upon us, and I dreaded sending him off. I just hope this feeling would linger after he’s left, enough to keep me going for another month until winter break.

He gave me the sweetest kiss and whispered that he loved me, and then he was gone, like he was never there at all.

I had the urge to chase after the bus, and beg him to stay with me, just for a little while, but my brain was too rational and instead, I sat on a nearby bench and text him all the things I couldn’t say before he left. Have a safe trip, text me when you get there, thank your mom for me, I already miss you, I can’t wait until winter break…

The next month plodded along, it felt like a damn eternity. I worked extra hard on my assignments, I needed the distraction. I packed as much as would fit in my suitcase and took a taxi to the bus station. It took a few hours to get home, which of course, felt like days, I just wanted to relax for a few weeks. My stomach was in knots with every mile closer.

The last time I spoke to Taron was 2 weeks ago, I hadn’t gotten a moment to call him, and he must have been on the same schedule, because I’ve heard nothing from him, not even a text.

We had one phone call the week he returned back to London, but he was distracted, at rehearsal, every time I tried to say something, he’d yell back to someone in the background, laugh, apologize, say a few words, and repeat. I’d gotten frustrated and told him to just go back to whatever he was doing, I wanted to hang up on him, but I knew I’d regret it after 5 minutes.

He seemed so distant, and after the weekend we had, I thought that would bring us closer after all that time apart. But...guess not.

I did text him a couple of days ago to remind him I’d be in on Saturday afternoon, and couldn’t wait to see him. But, no reply. I was a little upset, but really, I just wanted to get home and wrap myself around him. I’m sure there was a good explanation.

I finally arrived, running the moment I caught a glimpse of my mom. Again, my emotions were flooding out of me and couldn’t help but cry and squeeze the living daylights out of her.

The house looked different, but the same, that weird being away thing that affects your thinking. I text Taron, telling him I’d made it back, and was looking forward to seeing him, again. Mom made the best meal I’ve eaten in months, I caught up with my sister, going over the latest high school drama.

I kept checking my phone, every other second, waiting, but still nothing. I was starting to worry, and run through a thousand ridiculous scenarios, which caused my awful feeling to build.

I snuck away for a moment, and tried to call him, but it went straight to voicemail. It was becoming too late to go anywhere to see if he was home or ...who knows where.

I felt awful, my stomach wouldn’t stop twisting, making me nauseated. I didn’t know what was happening, or why he hasn’t even contacted me in weeks. As tired as I was, I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep, emotions, for a lack of a better word, suck.

I threw on a jacket and flittered out to sit on the front porch with a cup of coffee. I tried to pick out the constellations I could spot, text some of my friends to plan a meet up, and tried Taron again. Same straight to voicemail. I was halfway between detrimental anger and wanting to cry my eyes out. It was just about midnight, and I had no idea what to do. Everyone in the house was asleep, I felt completely alone.

I raided the bathroom cabinet to find something to knock me out, I definitely was going to need help falling asleep. I found some allergy meds that were supposed to make you sleepy, I crossed my fingers downing 2 pills. It kinda worked, I passed out for a couple of hours, but woke up with a racing heart around 3am. My phone blinded me, lighting up with a text.

Taron - ‘See you soon xx’

I stared at the screen, waiting for more, something else, an apology, an explanation, that he missed me, anything but some generic ass, nondescript text.

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

I threw my phone, thankfully it landed on my area rug and not the wood floor. I was so pissed. After 3 weeks, that’s all he has to say?

My mouth was dry and I had a terrible taste on my tongue, I darted downstairs for a drink, trying my hardest not to grab caffeine. I poured a glass of milk, and grabbed some cookies, I guess I was hungry too.

Halfway up the stairs, I almost dropped my glass when my phone started chirping, loudly. Taron.

I should ignore it, like he’s been ignoring me. I watched it for a moment, and sighed answering.

“Yes?”

“Baaaaaaabyyyyyyyy, where are you?” He was clearly drunk.

“Taron, I’m home, remember?”

“Come see me, I’m…” The sound was muffled and I heard shuffling, then laughter.

“Oops, I dropped you.”

I rolled my eyes, my anger turning red hot. He was out, getting wasted, and hasn’t even attempted to contact me.

“Taron, It’s 3am, I’m going to bed.”

More laughter and voices in the background.

“Taron?” “Hello?’

“Sorry, where are you love?”

His speech was slurred, and quick.

“Home, in bed.”

“Bed, ooh, what are you wearing?”

“Goodnight Taron.”

I waited for him to say something, but I just heard some people in the background laughing more and mumbling things I couldn’t make out.

“Ok, bye then.” I hung up, frustrated and upset.

A minute later, my phone was lit up with another call. I ignored it.

And another.

He left a voicemail, I couldn’t make out half of what he was saying.

He tried to call again. I shut off my phone and took some deep breaths to calm down.

I woke up to the smell of bacon and pancakes. My nose carried me downstairs, only to find Taron in the kitchen with my mom, shoving a cinnamon roll into his mouth.

“Mornin sunshine!”

I glared at him, pouring myself some orange juice. He came up behind me, crossing his arms around my waist, whispering in my ear, “Missed you.” then kissing my cheek.

Mom excused herself sensing something off.

“What are you doing here?”

His eyes bulged. “What do you mean? I wanted to see you.”

“You wanted to see me so bad that you didn’t text or call me for 3 weeks? And then wouldn’t reply to anything either? Then you call at me fucking 3am drunk?”

He sighed, rubbing his forehead.

“Shit, I’m sorry, we had a good first show, so we celebrated.”

“Oh, good to know, maybe if I knew, I could have been there to see, but, it’s cool.”

He reached for my hand, but I withdrew, pulling my robe tighter.

“I’m sorry, I am, it’s been just really crazy lately, you know?”

“I guess.”

“Babe, come on, don’t be mad at me, please?”

He made an exaggerated sad pout, causing me to yet again roll my eyes.

“Stop, I wanna be mad at you.”

Honestly, looking at him, and those ridiculous puppy dog eyes he was giving me, was breaking me down.

He kissed my cheek “Come on.” *kiss* “Let’s eat.” *kiss* “I’ve missed you.” *kiss* “You look so cute with your hair a mess.” *kiss* “I’m so happy you’re home”

“Alriiiiight, stop.” He was so damn charming, he could get away with murder. I couldn’t help the grin spreading across my face.

He kissed my lips, and grabbed my hand to lead me to the table.

We spent the next couple weeks glued to one another, the only time we were apart was a few hours on the weekends when he had a show to do, he slept over almost every night.

I found some time to hang out with some of my girlfriends, do some shopping, catch up on our lives. I still had 3 more weeks at home, and I couldn’t have been happier, and avoiding every thought that entered my mind about going back.

Taron’s break was much shorter than mine, so time with him after that was few and far between. He did invite me to one rehearsal, that was fun. The rest of the time I just lounged as much as I could, read a few books, and mapped out my new classes.

It was my last weekend home, thinking about going back to school was making my stomach turn. I didn’t want to leave.

Taron took me out for a semi-fancy dinner the night before I had to head back. We, of course, again, promised each other things would be ok, and to never let more than a week go by without speaking. We had every good intention to.

We ended up at a pub for a few drinks with all our friends, I wasn’t going to see anyone again for 6 months. I didn’t want to be hungover on the long bus ride back, so I kept it to a minimum. Can’t say the same for Taron though. I had to basically carry him to the taxi and then to his doorstep. I was a little disappointed that this was our last night together, and I couldn’t even talk to him properly. I got him to his bed, covered him up and sat down beside him. His eyes were closed, but not yet passed out. I pushed his hair back from his forehead, running my fingers along his cheekbones, lips, jawline. I wanted to memorize every piece of him.

His eyes sprung open, a silly grin on his face, and pulled me down to him. “I love you.” He gave me a rough kiss on my cheek and was out for the rest of the night. I gave him a gentle kiss on his lips, took one last look and made my way out.

Another sleepless night was ahead of me, I felt different, I didn’t know exactly what ‘it’ was, but I knew it felt like a change.

The drive to the bus station was quiet, save for the dripping rain down the windows. I hugged mom goodbye, and she promised to come visit me soon.

Back at the dorm, it felt empty, and cold. I unpacked, and just laid in my bed staring at the ceiling. I hadn’t even looked at my phone since before I left. Of course, there were messages from him.

Taron - “Are you still here?” 12:42pm

“Please tell me I didn’t miss you leaving?” 12:55pm

“I’m so sorry, I swear, I didn’t mean for the night to go like that.” 1:14pm

“Text me, call me when you get there, please.” 1:47pm

“I miss you, it feels so empty when you’re gone.” 3:02pm

“Are you home yet?” 4:55pm

“Please call me.” 5:33pm

The last text was just my name and a sad emoji. 6:01pm

There were a few missed calls from him, and only one voicemail, no words, just a few seconds of a sigh, and a *click*

I was tired, I still had one more day before school started again, and I was going to use it for sleep. 8:35pm

I woke up too early the next morning, and needed the coffee I had been avoiding at home. I threw on whatever was visible on my floor, threw on a beanie and headed out the door.

My phone was dead, I must have forgotten to charge it. Oh well.

The coffee was so hot, and exactly what I needed. I took the long way back, opting for a few detours through the city. It was lightly raining, and chilly, but somehow it felt like the best thing ever at that moment.

I gazed at the dead, bare trees, the grey, gloomy sky, and the droplets of water gently plopping to the ground, it was beautiful. Even though everything was dead, decaying, it would be reborn, and more glorious than before. No, this wasn’t some metaphor for my life, or maybe it was. I don’t know.

When I returned back to the dorms, my roommate was back, unpacking. We exchanged some light words, and she headed out, leaving me to my own devices again. I binged watched some Netflix shows, and avoided charging my phone. It was still in my handbag, and I didn’t feel like getting up. I passed out early, awaking the next morning right on time to start my new semester.

Eventually, my phone was revived, strangely it took me a few days to even bother. A few messages cascaded in, from mom, my sister, one of my friends, and only one from Taron.

Taron - “I’m sorry.” Monday 1:37am

I called mom, assuring her everything was fine, caught up with my sister, replied to my friend, and left the last message unanswered.

I didn’t know what to say right now, and I needed more time to think before I decided to say anything.

A few weeks passed, surprisingly that black cloud lightened, and the sun came out. I was doing extremely well in all my classes, and I had met a few new people from my dorm hall, and my psychology class. I started to go out more, enjoy life, find myself. I took an art class even though I have no artistic talent, I hoped maybe it was hidden.

I felt a heaviness over me at times, I hadn’t replied to Taron at all. I had to eventually, either resolve it, or just ...no, I didn’t want to think about it. I was in a sort of bubble, and I didn’t want to burst it, not yet.

I dialed his number, listening to the multiple rings before his voicemail hit.

“Hey...we need to talk, umm, yeah, call me when you get this.” I hung up before I changed my mind.

Around 9pm I heard a knock at my door. His hair, and clothes were soaked. His face was covered in worry and somberness.

I stood there, in awe for a moment.

“Get in here.”

I grabbed a towel, handing it to him.

“What are you doing here?” This felt familiar.

He just looked at me, mouth open, taking a moment, while attempting to dry himself off.

“What’s going on?” “What’s happening?” “I’m worried.”

I sighed, I honestly had no idea what to even say.

“Take off your clothes.”

He raised an eyebrow, looking amused.

“They’re soaked, You’re not sitting on my bed all wet.”

I dug through my drawer, finding a t-shirt and oversized pajama pants for him to put on.

“Why haven’t you answered any of my calls, or messages?” “Is everything alright?”

I remained quiet, still not sure of what was going on myself.

“I don’t know.” was all I could come up with.

“You don’t know what?”

“Anything.”

It was quiet for a minute.

“Things aren’t the same, don’t you feel it?”

He stared, searching my eyes, trying to understand.

“I don’t know, maybe a bit.” “But life never stays the same, things always change.”

“Yeah, they do, and …” I pinched my lips, trying to figure out how to put the next sentence together. “And I think we’ve changed, too much.”

It grew quiet again.

“I’m sorry.” was the only thing that slipped from his lips. His head down, arms rested on his knees, and his hands running through his hair.

“Don’t be, I mean, it happens, as much as we don’t want it to, it happens. It’s no one’s fault”

“How can you be so, calm?”

“I’ve had a lot of time to think. Until right now, I didn’t know what was happening, it tore me apart, it’s been ripping me to shreds for months, ever since I first came here. I missed you so much, I spent so many nights lying awake, crying, wanting to just say forget it and go back home. I was so incredibly happy when you came to visit that day, I thought if I just waited it out, things could be good again, but things never work out like we plan.”

“I’m sorry, I swear, I didn’t mean for that night to end up like it happened, I promise, I will do anything, let’s just work this out, we can figure out how to make this work.”

I shook my head, I couldn’t. Not anymore. It was killing me, everytime he leaves, or when the phone doesn’t ring for 2 weeks, I let a little piece of him break away.

“Taron, I can’t, I just, can’t.” I was feeling that nauseous feeling creeping back in, and my heart bursting into millions of pieces.

“Please, I know we can.” He grabbed my hands, pulling me towards him. “Look at me, please.”

I was afraid to, I knew I was either going to buckle and give in, or immediately start crying.

He tilted my head up to him, his finger under my chin. He went on and on, trying to convince me we could make it work, that we can schedule times to talk, and we’ll visit every other weekend.

I couldn’t take it anymore, my eyes betrayed me, spilling salty tears down my cheeks.

“Taron, stop, you’re hurting me, please just let me go.”

I could barely get the words out, I was out of breath, I felt ill, I couldn’t stop bawling.

I turned away, trying to calm myself. He came around to face me, placing his hands on my face, gazing deep into my eyes. “I’m so sorry, I never meant to hurt you, I’m sorry.” Tears were forming in his eyes, making them glisten. He gave me one last lingering kiss on my forehead, grabbed his things and walked out the door.

#angsty prompt #writing #fiction #fanfiction #taron egerton fic #taron egerton imagine #taron egerton #taron egerton x reader #taron x you #creative writing #part 1 #primaba11erina #prompts

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thesunnyshow · 4 years ago

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Name: Alana

Writing Blog URL(s): @jinyoungsir

What fandom(s) do you write for?: GOT7, BTS, Monsta X, Stray Kids, Ateez, NCT

Age: 27

Nationality: American

Languages: English

Star Sign: Aries

MBTI: I’m not sure. I’ve taken the test so many times but I never remember the result.

Favorite color: Black

Favorite food: Potatoes! All forms of potatoes!!

Favorite movie: Harry Potter? Jurassic Park/World? Twister? Jaws? I love movies...it’s so hard to choose!

Favorite ice cream flavor: Vanilla with lots of fudge & brownie bits.

Favorite animal: Tigers! I like big cats and the way they move.

Coffee or tea? What are you ordering?: Coffee- Peppermint White Mocha HOT! Or any flavor tea hot or cold as long as it’s sweetened!

Dream job (whether you have a job or not): Writing and Traveling. Something far from the 9-5, ‘working for the man’ type of job.

Go-to karaoke song: ‘Shoop’ by Salt-N-Pepa (thank u Deadpool)

If you could have one superpower, what would you choose?: The ability to manipulate time because I am late for everything and also, I would 100% pause the timeline for a little mental health break once a day.

If you could visit a historical era, which would you choose?: Idk if this counts but I low-key would have loved to be a pirate. So whatever timeline that fits into.

If you could restart your life, knowing what you do now, would you?: No, thank you. I already have a defiance disorder. I’m not going to be under 18 ever again. I like doing what I want when I want as an adult lol. Everything turned out okay.

Would you rather fight 100 chicken-sized horses or one horse-sized chicken?: 100 chicken-sized horses. I hope I drown in them. What a dream.

If you were a trope in a teen high school movie, what would you have been?: I AM a teen highschool movie trope lol my husband and I met in school at fourteen.

Do you believe in aliens/supernatural creatures?: YES, because the world is just too big for there not to be.

Fun fact about yourself that not everyone would know?: I stopped eating pizza for several years for no real reason other than not wanting to eat pizza and then just starting eating it again one day as if I had never stopped.

When did you post your first piece?: I think it was May 2019.

Do you write fluff/angst/crack/general/smut, combo, etc? Why?: Mostly fluff & humor because I’m kind of soft and I really love a feel-good fic. Any angst I write is typically resolved by the end because I live for a happy ending. And occasional smut strictly for the spice.

Do you write OCs, X Readers, Ships...etc?: OCs & xReaders.

Why did you decide to write for Tumblr?: I love/hate the format tbh but mostly because of my tumblr community. I love being able to meet and talk to new people easily thru the platform.

What inspires you to write?: Everything! Songs, movies, commercials, personal events, etc. Sometimes it’s just a word, phrase, or picture.

What genres/AUs do you enjoy writing the most?: I’m a major sucker for friends/strangers to lovers! and I LOVE a good Mafia/Gang/Assassin!AU. On the opposite end of the spectrum, you can catch me writing dad!au stories.

What do you hope your readers take away from your work?: I just hope it makes them feel good. Laugh, smile, cry, yell, uwu, just- all the emotions.

What do you do when you hit a rough spot creatively?: Take a break. Read a book, dive into a k-drama, binge a few fics. Sometimes I just have to put the laptop away until I’m ready to start again.

What is your favorite work and why? Your most successful?: My favorite story is probably ‘Over The Top’ with GOT7’s Bambam. It’s a dad!au about bam’s twin boys’ first birthday party. I’m quite attached to their family dynamic in the story and may even revisit twin terrors Somsak & Somchai in the future. Most successful? Probably the ‘Bubbles’ series, a Monsta X OT7 fiesta. I had a lot of feedback while posting that series and made a lot of friends. (It was also my first actual fic & it jump-started this blog!)

Who is your favorite person to write about?: Jackson Wang or Park Jinyoung from GOT7 and Han Jisung from Stray Kids.

Do you think there’s a difference between writing fanfiction vs. completely original prose?: This is kind of a tough one because, yes- as a fanfic writer I’m using a real person as a character, however, the storyline, the dialog, the emotions, the actions of the characters are all organic. I could take any one of my stories and replace only that person’s name and it would be considered entirely original. So, I guess I would say it’s not so different.

What do you think makes a good story?: Great dialog.

What is your writing process like?: Sometimes I get an idea and go straight to word vomiting and editing. Sometimes it’s planning the title, characters, tags list, & summary then not looking at it for a few weeks until I’m ready to write it.

Would you ever repurpose a fic into a completely original story?: Yes. All of my stories are AU (non-idol verse) so I would totally repurpose them.

What tropes do you love, and what tropes can’t you stand?: Love: friends/strangers/enemies to lovers, + grumpy character only soft for their love interest. Dislike: Love triangles, angsty slow burn, cheating, etc.

How much would you say audience feedback/engagement means to you?: IT IS EVERYTHING. I love reading tags, getting aks, getting messages, it warms my heart, and really motivates me to keep going.

What has been one of the biggest factors of your success (of any size)?: When I write and I really like my own story, it feels like a success.

Do you think fanfic writers get unfairly judged?: Yes, they certainly can be. I think people who don’t understand fanfiction can have a very narrow mindset and belittle fanfic writers because of that misunderstanding.

Do you think art can be a medium for change?: Yes. Even if its something as small as changing one’s mood.

Do you ever feel there are times when you’re writing for others, rather than yourself?: Not usually. I try to only write things that make me happy and if I ever get requests I’m not into, I usually won’t write it. If I’m not enjoying myself and the story, it’s not worth the pressure I put on myself to write it.

Do you ever feel like people have misunderstood you or your writing at times?: It’s definitely possible, but I haven’t had many issues with this so far.

Do your offline friends/loved ones know you write for Tumblr?: My mom, dad, sister, husband, and two other friends know.

What is one thing you wish you could tell your followers?: I’m always here to make you laugh and smile, whenever you need it. I hope my stories can bring you joy.

Do you have any advice for aspiring writers who might be too scared to put themselves out there?: Do it for yourself. If you are enjoying yourself then it’s worth it.

Are there any times when you regret joining Tumblr?: I love this hellsite. I’ve been here since high school and I have no regrets.

Do you have any mutuals who have been particularly formative/supportive in your Tumblr journey?: AJ: my favorite bean, Chelle: my fav writer & inspo, Megan: my hype squad gf, Leena: my sisterwife, Na: my #1 supporter, and Val: my JJP/Wonu Soulmate.

Pick a quote to end your interview with: “mo0n Mo0n JiN m0oN!” - Jeon Jeongguk

BONUS ROUND: K-POP CONFIDENTIAL

#jinyoungsir #thesunnyshow #featured author #episode 43 #got7 #bts #stray kids #monsta x #ateez #nct

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thorne93 · 5 years ago

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Unforeseen Chasm (Part 50)

Prompt: Two sisters fall for men that are absolute enemies. The love they have could tear all of them apart, or it could bring them together.

Word Count:2925

Warnings: tired reader, flirty gambit, doting Bruce, angry/ jealous tony and loki, arguing and mentions of a fight

Song for this part:There no way-lauv and julia michaels

Note: This is by far the longest thing I’ve ever written (including my novels). It’s a collaboration with the amazing @mrs-dragneel-stark-solo. It started as a funny “What if…?” and it evolved and got huge. This took two years to write. We are both proud and happy and we hope you enjoy it. It follows from Thor 1 to Endgame in the MCU. Some of the timelines may be off in order to fit certain people, and some characters may show up earlier or in different ways than they have in the movie. But for the most part, it follows the MCU. It also has a bit of crossover with some other Marvel characters throughout the story.

Masterlist for Unforeseen Chasm

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A week had passed at this point, and three more sessions had taken place between you and Shannon. Shannon was nearly bed ridden at this point, doctor’s orders. The treatments were healing her internally, they were helping, but physically, she felt weak. As for you, if they lasted extended periods they could take a toll on you, and most of the time they did wear you out. Keeping your power set to low for long periods of time took a lot of endurance.

One day after your session you were sitting in bed reading when Remy entered the room with a small box of your favorite candy. “There’s the hero,’ he greeted with a grin. Remy had been around more and more each day and the company was much appreciated as Shannon seemed to sleep off most of her sessions.

You scoffed. “I’m no hero,” you assured.

“Not according to that woman,” he stated, pointing to Shannon. “You’re saving her life.” He handed you the candy and sat on the bed. “How you feelin’, darlin’?”

“I’m hanging in there,” you said with a sigh. “This has to be boring, checking up on the bed ridden girl every day,” you noted with an eyeroll.

“Quite the contrary. I look forward to this part of the day, every day. Don’t you?” he asked, the hidden meaning in his tone.

A red hot blush flushed your cheeks before you looked away, refusing to answer. “What have you been up to?”

“Actually learned a new card game. Wanna play?”

‘Sure, I guess I’m in the mood to get my ass beat,” you joked.

“Oh come on now, I’ll go easy on you,” he said as he shuffled the cards with showmanship. “We aren’t gonna wake her, are we?” he asked, gesturing towards Shannon with the cards. “If she needs to rest…”

You glanced to your best friend. “No, I think she’s already in a deep sleep,” you assured.

“If you say so,” he said with a smile, and you were sure you saw a sparkle shine on his teeth, making you blush again. He caught the shade of red on your cheeks and a bit of color rose to his own before he dealt you in and began to explain the game. The two of you spent all afternoon playing until Shannon woke up, and he dealt her in as well.

----------------------

A couple of days later, Bruce was in the bedroom, bright and early checking on Shannon. At this point you were sure it was habitual for him. He always greeted you, and checked on you verbally, but he practically doted on Shannon. In one way, it was adorable. In another way, you cringed thinking of what would happen if Tony ever caught Bruce looking at Shannon the way he was right now.

“Mon cher, you up?” Remy asked, poking his head in the room.

“Always,” you groaned. “What’s up?”

“I thought you might like a movie day,” he stated, bringing in a laptop.

“Movie day? But I thought I had a session?” you asked, looking to Bruce.

He shook his head. “Actually, that’s a no go today, Y/N/N. Shannon is still too weak from the other day, plus she’s still asleep. You need a day of rest anyway.”

“That’s all I do is rest,” you groaned. “And Loki hasn’t been by.”

“I could shoot him a message,” he offered.

“If you wouldn't mind?”

“Sure thing. Now, don’t wake Shannon,” he instructed, sternly.

You saluted him. “Yes, sir.”

With that, he swept out of the room.

“Scoot,” Remy ordered in a kind voice, his face lighting up.

You frowned quickly. He wanted to sit on the bed? “You want to sit here?” you asked, perplexed.

“No, I thought I’d sit on the floor while we watch movies all day,” he said sarcastically while rolling his eyes. “Yeah, I want to lay next to you. Now scooch.”

With trembling hands, you picked up the blanket and scooted over to make room for him, throwing the blanket back. He sat down, gave you the laptop, and swung his pajama clad legs under the blanket, getting snuggled.

An image of Loki appeared in your mind, and you were extremely thankful he wasn’t there in that moment because the attack on New York would pale in comparison to his reaction to this. You slightly shrunk away from Remy at the thought.

Remy asked what you wanted to watch, but you said he could pick. You were hoping he’d choose action, or comedy - something completely neutral. But he chose a romantic movie, and it made you want to crawl under the floorboards. Every kiss, every touch, every hug made you feel like you were on fire. It took everything in you not to look Remy’s way at some scenes, making you hot under the collar.

“How about a horror next?” you all but shouted when that one ended.

“Not a big romance fan?” he asked.

“Just… want something to get our blood pumping,” you tried, before realizing how that sounded.

“I might have a thought on how to do that,” he stated, glancing your way.

Internally, you had died. This couldn’t be happening.

“I, uh… I think a horror would be good right now. I haven’t seen a good scary movie in a long time. Find me a good one, please?” you requested.

“As you wish, chere,” he said with a bit of a smirk.

You glanced to Shannon to make sure she was still asleep, but she was on her side, facing away from you. You tried to take a deep breath. All you had to do was survive movie night… the possibility of that happening was looking bleak.

----------------------------

When your session had ended the next day, Shannon was about to lay down when Bruce walked in again.

“Hi, Shan. How are you feeling?” he asked.

“Actually, I’d really like to go for a walk,” she stated.

“I don’t think that’s such a good idea,” he started, rubbing his neck, not comfortable telling her no.

“Please? I haven’t been outside in over a week, and we both know it’s not healthy. I need fresh air. You can be right with me to make sure I don’t hurt myself.”

“I don’t know, Shan--”

“Oh for christ’s sake, take her on a walk,” you ordered. “It’s a walk, Bruce, not storming Normandy beach…”

With that, Bruce looked back to Shannon, offering his hand. “Alright,” he sighed. “Let’s go.”

“Have fun,” you called after the two. “But not too much fun!” you shouted before Shannon leaned back to glare at you. You stuck your tongue out at her. You were just about to lay down when Remy came waltzing in.

“You’re already in bed?” he questioned incredulously.

“I’ve had a long day,” is all you answered with.

“I could do something to take your mind off of it,” he offered as he came in and sat on the edge of your bed.

“I could just sleep,” you said sarcastically. You adored Remy coming by all the time, but you were worried those old feelings were starting to be new feelings. Loki hadn’t stopped by in almost two weeks, and unless you were texting him first or calling him first, he didn’t talk to you. You were starting to feel forgotten by everyone but Remy.

“Nonsense. You’ll sleep when you’re dead. Would you want to walk in the garden?”

“Too hot,” you retorted.

He put his hand on his chin. “Hmm. We could bake something together…”

“I’m not supposed to be out of the bedroom for that long.”

“I know,” he said, pulling is phone out. You peered at him, your eyebrow perked up.

“What are you up to, Cajun?”

“Hold your horses,” he ordered before shooting you a sly smile. A song softly filled the room. It wasn’t one you’ve heard before, but it had an amazing tune. He stood from the bed and held out his hand. “May I have this dance?” he asked, his smile making your knees weak -- good thing you were in bed.

“I don’t know, Remy,” you tried, shaking your head, sounding unsure. You knew why you didn’t want to. “I’m supposed to be on bed rest…”

“It’s a dance, Y/N/N, between old friends. Come on, I’ll go slow.” He reached towards your hands and gently pulled. “You can’t lay around all day. You need some exercise and this is perfect.”

He pulled you into his arms, your chests pressing together as he held your hand up, and you rested your other hand on his shoulder. He quickly found the beat and began leading you in a delicate slow dance, sometimes twirling you out, and you secretly loved it, all while hating that you loved it…..

Maybe it was the fact that Loki hadn’t been around lately. Maybe it was because now you two were focusing on your lives and careers rather than each other like when you were in the cell. Maybe it was how sweet Remy had been lately… Whatever it was, it was a dangerous concoction.

The song spilled into the room, and you hadn’t quite registered the lyrics, but you should’ve listened harder to what your friend had chosen…

You touch me and it's almost like we knew

That there will be history between us two

We knew someday that we would have regrets

But we just ignored them the night we met

We just dance backwards into each other

Trying to keep our feelings secretly covered

You touch me and it's almost like we knew

That there will be history

There's no way that it's not going there

With the way that we're looking at each other

There's no way that it's not going there

Every second with you I want another

But maybe we can hold off one sec

So we can keep this tension in check

But there's no way that it's not going there

With the way that we're looking at each other

I wish I could make the time stop

So we could forget everything and everyone

I wish that the time would line up

So we could just give in to what we want

'Cause when I got somebody, you don't

And when you got somebody, I don't

I wish that the time would line up

So we could just give in

---------------

Meanwhile outside Bruce was keeping a close eye on Shannon. He didn’t think she should be outside just yet. ”I think we should head back inside, Shannon.”

“Bruce, we haven’t even been outside that long. I’m sick of sleeping and just looking at the same four walls,” she said, exasperated. “Please just let me enjoy the fresh air and the sun.” She looked at him.

He gave in knowing well there’s nothing he wouldn’t do to make her happy. “Alright, how about we go a little farther that way. I think you might like seeing the younger kids playing.” He had been walking beside her at a safe normal distance but he couldn't help wanting to get closer.

“Lead the way.” She smiled for the first time in ages. She felt so comfortable around him she knew he could turn into the Hulk and protect himself if anything triggered her. It’s probably why she’s only let him be this near her.

The two were walking enjoying the sounds of the kids laughing, when Shannon seemed to lose her footing and Bruce was quick to catch her. Worried she’d over exerted herself, he helped her get back up. “Here, why don't we go sit down over there?” He pointed to a little area.

“Yeah sounds like a good idea, seems as though I'm still pretty weak.” She sat down and waited for Bruce to do the same. “Thanks for being here with me, you didn't have to.”

“I wanted to make sure you were okay.” He sat down close to her. “You still doing okay?” He looked to her

“You don't mind if I lean on you for a bit, do you?”

“Not at all.” He moved his arm so she could get comfortable. “Is this alright? Or do you want to lay your head on my lap?” Bruce blushed at the realization of what he asked. “Unless you feel uncomfortable doing that.”

“Actually if you don’t mind, I would like to lay down. It's been a while since I’ve done so.” She scootched further down and was finally comfortable. “This is nice. I’ve missed being outside I’ve forgotten what it feels like to feel the sun on my skin.”

Bruce had been watching her enjoy being outside. His hand had gone from being on the grass to her arm and had moved up to her hair slowly he passed his fingers through it and he felt her relax further. He was enjoying this time together and hoped he’d get more moments like these. He knew there could never be more between the two and if Tony caught them he’d never forgive him. So he took what he could get. She looked so beautiful in the sunlight her hair was a shade lighter in the sun it looked almost blonde brown. He kept passing his fingers in her hair and watched her smile at the feeling of the movement.

“This is nice,” was all she said. “I’d like to do this more often if you’d let me, Bruce.”

“So as long as I'm able to make sure you're okay, I don’t see why not.” He smiled down at her.

Just then, Tony was walking through the path with a few things in hand when he noticed Bruce sitting on the grass with someone. The closer he got he realized the person was Shannon. Tony had never felt the way. He didn't know how to react. His wife was lying in the lap of another, a close friend of his at that. He saw how at peace Shannon looked that he didn’t want to ruin her mood. He hadn’t seen her this relaxed in a while. He knew he’d have to have a serious talk with Dr. Banner later on because that was just not acceptable. Bruce was looking at her in a different way and he didn't like that. He thought about how unfair it was that she so openly let Bruce come this close to her, let alone touch her in any way. When he tried it, she would flinch or move away as if she were scared of being touched. What was it about Bruce that made her feel like she won't have anything to fear?

Heading inside to drop things off in the room she was sharing with you, he saw Loki storming out. Tony took the chance to take his anger out on him, needing to let some steam off hoping that the other man can help him relax a bit.

“Hey, Blair witch, where you heading off looking like a kicked puppy?” Tony remarked seeing the other man in the same wavelength of emotion.

"Not that it's any of your business, Stark, but I'm... I just saw Y/N dancing with someone else."

"Really?" he asked, slightly intrigued, and partly sympathetic. "Who with?"

"I don't recognize him," he answered, his anger shining through as he clenched his fists.

Tony sighed. "Well, anyone is probably an upgrade from you, right?” he offered, flashing a smile that ate at Loki.

"Same could be said for you," he shot back as he started to walk off. He wasn't in the mood for Stark and his games.

"I'm ready to go any time, anywhere, name the place," he challenged, getting in Loki's face.

"You're not worth the trouble, Stark," he responded evenly. "You'll have me put back in that cell."

"Nope. It'll be a fair fight. Just you and me. We'll finally settle who's the better man. Unless of course, you already know the answer and you're just afraid this will prove that."

"I'm not afraid of anything. I'll happily remind you that one of us is a god, and one of us is a human flying in a tin can."

"Then let's do this," he said with a grin. But just when he reeled his arm back, readying the first punch, a deep voice boomed in the halls.

“Hey!” the gravelly, authoritative voice yelled out. “Knock that shit off. If you’re gonna do this, do it right.” Logan approached the two men who cocked their heads at him. “In the ring,” he insisted with a smile.

“Did someone say in the ring?” Wade Wilson pops out of a nearby room. “Sounds to me like it’s about to get entertaining!”

“You seriously want us to box?” Tony asked with a bit of a smile. He’d boxed a lot and he was fairly certain Loki didn’t even know what the sport was.

“It’s the only fair way for men to fight,” Logan offered, grinning from ear to ear. “What do you say? You in?”

“Logan’s right Mr. hot shot, are you gonna be a man and fight in the ring or not?” Wade grins seeing the two men looking ready to kill. “How’s about a little wager Logan?” he turns to the burly man next to him.

“Your on asphalt face.” Logan grins at the man next to him and turns to lead them to the boxing ring.

Tony and Loki exchanged looks before shaking hands and agreeing to it. A few of the kids in the hall cheered and followed the men into the gym.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tag List: @essie1876 @magpiegirl80 @letsgetfuckingsuperwholocked @iamwarrenspeace @marvel-imagines-yes-please @superwholocked527 @missinstantgratification @thejemersoninferno @rda1989 @munlis @thefridgeismybestie @bubblyanarocks3 @igiveupicantthinkofausername @kaliforniacoastalteens @feelmyroarrrr @kaelingoat-blog @friendlyneighbourhoodweirdo @damalseer @heyitscam99 @yknott81 @sorryimacrapwriter @glitterquadricorn @xxqueenofisolationxx @little-dis-kaalista-pythonissama @bittersweetunicorm @alyssaj23 @sea040561 @princess76179 @thisismysecrethappyplace @sarahp879 @malfoysqueen14 @ellallheart @breezy1415 @marvelmayo @random-fluffy-pink-unicorn @cocosierra94 @hardcollectionworldtrash @capsmuscles @marvelloushamilton @paintballkid711

Loki: @lostinspace33 @ultrarebelheart @lenawiinchester @esoltis280 @tngrayson @wangdeasang @harrymewmew @jayfantasyatyourservice

UC: @lokis-high-priestess

#unforeseen chasm #loki x reader #loki fic #Loki Laufeyson #tony stark #tony stark fic #tony stark x ofc #bruce banner #gambit #remy #wade wilson #deadpool #logan #hank #Charles Xavier

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artxmisery · 4 years ago

Note

ANSWER THEM A L L L LL LL L H AH HAHHEHAHEHAHAHAHAH HAH AHH AHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH HAH AHA HAHAHHAHAHA

Here we go! 1: Let’s start with a tricky one; what is the real reason you are confused right now? No reason, in particular, just the fact that my life is a confusing mess.

2: Do you ever get “good morning” texts from anyone? Not really, no.

3: If your significant other smoked pot, would you care? Yes, but mostly because I’d be concerned for their safety.

4: Do you find it easy to trust others? Hell no.

5: What were you doing at 11 PM last night? Failing quite badly at sleep.

6: You’re drunk and lost walking down the road; who is with you? Hopefully a friend.

7: What would you do if you found out you had been cheated on? Cut ties and tell them to do better next time.

8: Are you close with your dad? Eh, relatively.

9: I bet you kissed someone last night, right? God, I wish. Sort of.

10: What are you listening to? The Silent Confessions album by sad boy with a laptop

11: You can only drink ONE liquid for the rest of your life - what is it? Plain old water.

12: Do you like hickeys? Not particularly.

13: What time do you go to bed? Before midnight, if I’m lucky.

14: Is there someone who continuously lets you down? Nope.

15: Can you text as quickly with one hand as you do both? More or less.

16: Do you always answer your texts? In time, yes.

17: Do you hate the person you fell the hardest for? No.

18: When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends? A minute or two ago.

19: Is there someone that makes you happy every time you see them? Most of my friends tbh.

20: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night? I haven’t the foggiest.

21: Is anyone else in the room with you? Nope.

22: Do you believe what goes around comes around? Absolutely.

23: Were you happier four months ago than you are now? For sure.

24: Is there someone you wish you could fix things with? A little bit.

25: In the past week, have you cried? Yep.

26: What colour is the shirt you are wearing? Grey.

27: Do people ever call you by your last name? Once in a blue moon, yeah.

28: Is anyone ignoring you right now? I hope not.

29: Do you have a best friend? Not one person in particular, no.

30: Would it be hard seeing someone else kiss the last person you kissed? Not particularly.

31: Who was your last call/text message from? My mum.

32: Are you mad at anyone? Myself.

33: Have you ever kissed someone older than you? A few times.

34: How old will the last person you kissed be on his/her next birthday? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

35: How many more days until your birthday? 167.

36: Do you have any summer plans yet? Stay inside. And that’s about it...

37: Do you have any good friends of the opposite sex? Yeah.

38: Are you keeping anything from your best friend(s) now? Perhaps.

39: Do you have a secret that you’ve never told anyone? Absolutely.

40: Have you ever regretted kissing someone? Not really.

41: Do you think age matters in relationships? Depends on the context. Most of the time, yes.

42: Are you available? Quite.

43: How many people have you had real, strong feelings for since high school ended? A few.

44: If you had to get a piercing (not ears), what would you get? Nose, probably.

45: Do you believe exes can be friends? Absolutely.

46: Do you regret anything? Nearly everything I’ve ever done.

47: Honestly, what’s on your mind right now? Entirely too much.

48: Did you ever lose a best friend? Sort of, but not really.

49: Was your last kiss a mistake? No.

50: Why aren’t you pursuing the person you like? Assorted reasons, mostly because I’m a coward and it’s complicated.

51: Has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry? Yes.

52: Do you still talk with the person you LAST kissed? Yes.

53: What was the last thing you ate? Fried rice with an egg over the top.

54: Did you get any compliments today? Not really.

55: Where are you going on your next vacation? I don’t know yet.

56: Do you own anything from other countries? Quite a bit, even if we’re only talking souvenir-type stuff.

57: Are most of your friend guys or girls? Guys, I guess.

58: Where have you lived most of your life? Washington.

59: When was the last time you took a long drive? A couple days ago.

60: Have you ever played Spin the Bottle? Once or twice, yeah.

61: Have you ever TP’d someone’s house? House? No.

62: Who do you text the most? Text? My immediate family, probably. Discord, who knows.

63: What was the last movie you saw? I honestly don’t recall, it’s been a long time.

64: What’s preventing your current boyfriend/girlfriend from going back to their ex? Ahahahahaha...

65: How many boyfriends/girlfriends did you have in 2011? None.

66: Is the last person you kissed younger than you? Yes.

67: Do you curse around your parents? I try not to.

68: Are you happy with where you live? More or less, but there are definitely places I’d rather live.

69: Picture of yourself? Nah.

70: Are you a monogamous person or do you believe in open-ended relationships? Depends on the context, but I think that a healthy open relationship could 100% work.

71: Have you ever been dumped? Not really.

72: What do you most like about making out? Physical intimacy.

73: Have you ever casually made out with someone who you weren’t seriously involved with? Maybe once? But no, not really.

74: When you kiss someone for the first time, is it usually you who initiates it or the other? Generally the other.

75: What part of a person’s body do you find most attractive? Eyes, most of the time.

76: Who was the last person you talked to last night before you went to bed? A friend of mine.

77: Had sex with someone you knew less than an hour? Nope.

78: Had sex with someone you didn’t know their name? Nope.

79: What makes your heart flutter and brings a big cheesy smile to your face? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

80: Would you get involved with someone if they had a child already? Depends on the person, but most of the time probably not.

81: Has someone who had a crush on you ever confessed to you? A few times.

82: Do you tell a lot of people when you have a crush? I certainly hope not.

83: Do you miss your last sweetie? A good deal.

84: Last time you slow danced with someone? A couple of months now? I think?

85: Have you ever ‘dated’ someone you’ve never met? Nope.

86: How can I win your heart? Just existing is sufficient most of the time. Kindness helps.

87: What is your astrological sign? Capricorn.

88: What were you doing last night at 12 AM? Failing quite badly at sleep.

89: Do you cook? A few times a week.

90: Have you ever gotten back in touch with an old flame after a time of more than 3 months of no communication? No.

91: If you’re single right now, do you wish you were in a relationship? Somewhat, yeah.

92: Do you prefer to date various people or do you pretty much fall into monogamous relationships quickly? I generally stick to one relationship to see if it works out.

93: What physical traits do you look for in a potential interest? Not many, honestly.

94: Name four things that you wish you had! The ability to shapeshift. Or go back in time. Significantly more money. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

95: Are you a player? Nope.

96: Have you ever kissed 2 people in one day? Once or twice

.97: Are you a tease? Sometimes.

98: Ever meet anyone you met on Tumblr? Don’t think so.

99: Have you ever been deeply in love with someone? Yes.

100: Anybody on Tumblr that you’d go on a date with? Absolutely.

101: Hugs or Kisses? Hugs.

102: Are you too shy to ask someone out? Always.

103: The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? Their voice, generally.

104: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you babe? Can be.

105: If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was in a relationship, would you go for it? Depends on if I know them and their partner(s). Generally, no.

106: Do you flirt a lot? Sometimes.

107: Your last kiss? It happened, yes.

108: Have you kissed more than 5 people since the start of 2012? Yes.

109: Have you kissed anyone in the past month? I wish.

110: If you could kiss anyone who would it be? [redacted]

111: Do you know who you’ll kiss next? Nope.

112: Does someone like you currently? I doubt it, but I can hope.

113: Do you currently have feelings for anyone? Yep.

114: Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings? Serious, all the way.

115: Ever made out with just a friend? The ones I have didn’t stay that way long, one way or another.

116: Are you happier single or in a relationship? I think it generally goes the other way around, honestly.

117: Your own question that you want me to answer. Just write it. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

#food cw #food mention #long post #very long post

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taehyungiestummy · 5 years ago

Text

Stuck -- Chapter One

Masterlist Next

Word Count: 3520

“This is it,” I bounce on the balls of my feet. “We are finally in line for our last trip to take us to our boys. I am going to lose it.”

Emily chuckles, “You were not this excited when we graduated, which is kind of surprising. The plane ride isn’t as important as finishing school, so we never have to come back here. Unless with the boys.”

“Graduation is the reason we had to wait two weeks after our normal date to fly over to the city we belong,” I fix my glasses that have slid down my nose.

“When you put it that way, I can understand your feelings. However, we are going to be spending the rest of our lives with them,” she tugs me forward as the security line moves.

“Eh,” I shrug. “Still, I had to wait even longer than last year to see the love of my life.”

“Oh, don’t get gushy now,” she chuckles. “We are going to see them very soon. Keep it together.”

“I will,” I adjust the straps of my backpack, so my shoulders won’t be sore. “I just, he’s the love of my life, and I am going to spend so much time with him. It’s finally sinking in.”

“You are so cute,” Emily ruffles my hair. “How can you be so cute?”

“It’s just luck,” I giggle, swatting her hand away and fixing my hair. “Tae may also be rubbing off on me. He is overly cute at times.”

“That’s his whole deal,” Emily motions for me to see that we are almost to the front of the line.

“He’s the cute one, I know.”

“Last year, I remember we talked about our looks, but I don’t think much has changed since then. I have a tad more purple in my hair, and that’s it.”

“I wear my glasses more than not to please Yoongi and Taehyung. The blue in my hair is a richer shade and more prominent. It is crazy how one year can change a ton, and the next not so much.”

“As is life,” she places her backpack on the conveyor belt.

I follow, and am glad that we were the lucky group that were able to keep their shoes on. It makes this process go boy just slightly faster, but it is so satisfying because then it doesn’t feel like such an eternity.

“Finally, now we can get to our gate,” I sigh, falling into a good pace next to Emily.

“Do you think our parents believed us when we said we won’t be coming home?” Emily asks.

“We mailed boxes of our things to Nari. We left objects of ours that we can replace or don’t want behind in their houses. They must know we are serious. There’s nothing left for us here.”

“Our graduation party was like a goodbye party as well. Some of the people that came we won’t see for a long time. Really, all of them.”

“We can Skype, but that probably won’t happen often. People get busy. We’ll be busy.”

“Skype dates will be a thing of the past. We will always go on real life dates from now on,” she grabs my arm and pulls me towards our gate.

“They were fun, but I like dates where we can kiss. Gah, I want to kiss Tae so bad,” I fore myself to push all thoughts of Taehyung’s lips out of my mind.

“I didn’t kiss Namjoon nearly as much as you kissed Taehyung, and being away from him I wished I had.”

“You can make up for it in a few days,” I pat her upper arm. “he probably regrets not kissing you, and is going to fix it when the two of you reunite.”

“How are you feeling about the topic of marriage now?”

I take in a slow breath, “You know, I’m good. It doesn’t freak me out. I love Taehyung more than anyone, and I want to be his wife. I want him to be my husband.”

“Truly the cutest couple in this whole world. You two will be beyond happily married. It needs to happen soon.”

“Oh, no, not soon,” I walk us over to our gate. “A few years, maybe. I’m still quite young.”

“He is the love of your life,” she pokes my side as we take a seat. “You work with him now, so you’ll be with him all the time. You are practically married already.”

“You need a job,” I smile, bringing my hand up to touch the infinity sigh necklace Taehyung gifted to me for my birthday last year. “Has Nari found anything?”

“Not yet,” Emily sighs. “I’m sure something will pop up soon. At least by the end of the summer.”

“I’m sure it will. Everything will fall into place when it is meant to.”

“That is very true,” she pats my hand. “That’s how we should live our lives.”

“I want to board soon because I have emails to send,” I chew on my bottom lip for a second. “And we have to discuss surprising the boys at their last fan sigh before coming home for a bit. I can’t wait to go to some new countries. I like traveling with the boys. No matter how tired it makes me.”

“It does wear you down. Last year you had a few meltdowns, and I think they were due to being so tired.”

“Yeah, that had a lot to do with it. And then my mental health had a dip.”

“You’ve been on a high for some months now, so hopefully that keeps going.”

“It should, when we get where we belong,” I smile. “I can’t wait to see how they react to seeing us at the fan sigh.”

“Calling it now, you will cry. Not bawling, but you will shed a few tears.”

“Probably. I’ll be so happy that it will be the only thing I can do.”

“Are you going to make Taehyung watch baseball with you?”

“Hell yeah. This is the Cubs year. I will pay so our TV plays all of their games.”

“Oh my, gosh. That’s right. You and Taehyung are moving in together. I had forgotten.”

I grip the bottom of my t-shirt. “It’s pretty crazy, but it will be so good for me. Tae will be the best roommate.”

“Your apartment will always be filled with love. Even more so when you get your two dogs.”

“I can’t wait to get two puppies.” I giggle. “All that’s important is that we save them.”

“A kind soul. You always try to look out for others.”

I shrug, “When you grow up how I did, you learn to give others what they need. It helps me get over being raised by my siblings, and a warmth spreads through my heart when I help others.”

Emily opens her mouth to reply, but is interrupted by the lady over the intercom, “Now boarding the flight to Seoul, South Korea.”

“That’s us,” I slowly stand up, feeling a rush of nerves run through me.

“You okay? You look sick,” Emily stands up and places her hand on my forehead.

“I’m fine,” I take in a breath. “I just can’t believe it. We are finally going home. Two years ago, when we made the first trip over, I didn’t think much would come out of it. Now, I can’t imagine my life anywhere else but in Seoul. With you, and Nari, and all the boys. I just want to be home.”

Emily has pulled her hand away and is smiling at me with an unending amount of love. “Let’s get in line to board this place. You seem to be homesick, and so am I.”

********

“Vernon is such a sweet boy,” I smile as I send the email to him. “I’m so glad I could help him and become his friend in the process.”

“Did he get the girl?” Emily takes a sip of her Sprite.

“He did,” I giggle. “Oh my, I was a wingman. Sort of.”

“What was her hesitation to date a super cute boy?”

“The fact that he’s an up and coming idol, and so many people know who he is. She likes her privacy, which is totally understandable. However, he’s her best friend. She couldn’t deny the feelings forever.”

“How did you convince her?”

“I didn’t, Vernon did. I just gave him some helpful tips. Like, he’s still the dork that talked to her the first day of school, and being an idol shouldn’t keep them apart. Simple stuff, really.”

“I bet he wants to thank you personally,” Emily gently pinches my cheek. “I bet you want to talk to him in person.”

I feel my cheeks barely heat up, “Well, yeah, I’d love to talk to him. He’s in one of the first groups we looked up, and the one we stuck with. We were with them when they had more members than they do now. Before they even had any music out. From the very beginning.”

“That is true. They’ve been through a lot, too.”

“Enough about those cute Asian boys, though,” I close my laptop. “Taehyung got a role in a drama, and I’ve never been so happy or excited for him. Filming is done, but he said that his is just the beginning.”

“When the drama comes out, we will have to watch it together. All of us. Taehyung deserves it.”

“It doesn’t come out until December, so remember that. I’d love to have a weekly get together to support my babe.”

“Has he told you anything about it?”

“Not much,” I slip my laptop into my backpack. “Just that it is set a few hundred years in the past, and his character is just like him. Plus, a few pictures of him in costume. He looks to damn good with long hair.”

“Joonie hasn’t been up to much like your boyfriend,” Emily chuckles. “Just song writing. He says the new album, with an October projected release, is the best yet. They barely have half the songs written, and like nothing recorded.”

“Then we will be blown away if they have that much faith. The last few albums have been pretty good. I am looking forward to whatever they come up with.”

“How is Yoongi coming along with his mixtape? Is he going to drop it soon?”

I chuckle, “He’s almost done, I think. He’s a perfectionist, so it could still be a while. Besides, he really wants me to sing on it, and won’t drop it until I do.”

“You’ll do great. You’re singing has improved so much, and it sounds so lovely now. Yoongi wouldn’t ask you to do it if he didn’t think you were capable.”

I give her a slightly shove. “Thanks for that. I had so many Skype singing lessons, so I hope I would be kind of good.”

“I’m so glad you are more positive about yourself. I know it was hard to go from brining yourself down to picking yourself up, but I am so proud of you.”

“Thanks to Tae and Yoongi,” I slightly smile. “Really, all the boys. You got the ball rolling, though. You’ve always been so positive for me.”

“Anything for my best friend,” she ruffles my hair.

I yawn, sliding down in my seat. “Man, I need to take a nap. I am beat. A few hours before the plane, which is just enough time for a good sleep.”

“Nope, we still have to talk about what we are going to do at the meet and greet.”

I close my eyes and sigh, “Fine. Um, we have to dress so our faces are hidden, so the boys don’t know it is us right away. I also don’t want many of the other fans to know it is us and ruin the surprise. I’m out for all the world to see.”

“So we just stand in line like normal ARMY’s? Are we bringing gifts?”

“Eh, if we go shopping tomorrow, then yes. I don’t think it will matter. Won’t we be gift enough?” I smirk.

Emily chuckles, “I guess so. I’ve been meaning to ask how being public has been. Namjoon has made it clear that he has a girlfriend, but not that it’s me. My face, name, almost everything is still hidden.”

I slowly open my eyes, titling my head so I can look at my best friend. “Big Hit made sure most of my private life stayed as that. Private. But, I felt like ARMY deserved to know a little bit about me, so I let Tae post a few pictures of him and I on their Twitter. Then I just gave my Twitter out.”

“That’s why you have so many more followers. ARMY actually followed you. Are they nice?”

“Mostly, yeah,” I yawn, pushing myself to sit up in my seat. “I don’t look at comments and such too much. The boys get hate, and I must get some too. I’d rather not risk it.”

“I understand. Taehyung might see it.”

“He does,” I fix my glasses that threaten to fall down my nose. He told me about it recently. It’s not much, just jealous people. Tae said it doesn’t matter. He will always love me.” My eyes flutter close. “It hurts him, though. Knowing people don’t accept me for who I am. They don’t understand that he’s found his soulmate, and nothing, no amount of hateful words can tear us apart.”

“Not everyone was bound to be happy, but hate is never called for. You two will be able to push past it. It will never break you up.”

“I know. It just sucks to know people took time to hate on me, on him, on the others,” I sigh. “I really need to sleep before I burst into tears. I’m going to cry if we keep talking about this.”

“Sleep tight, Amber. I’ll wake you up before we land.”

********

“We made it,” I groan, my back still tense as we wait for our luggage. “My back is happy,” I sigh as I reach for the ceiling and feel my muscles begin to relax.

“I’m glad to be back in Korea,” Emily smiles as the luggage conveyor belt starts up. “I guess that means we should switch to Korean now.”

“It was fun being able to talk to each other at school and no one knew what we were talking about,” I fall into my Korean tongue with great east. “The looks on the first day when we did it. I’ll never forget.”

“They finally believed us,” Emily points to our suitcases coming our way. “But, I’m glad to leave them all in the States.”

“And in the past,” I smirk.

The two of us walk over and grab our one suitcase each before walking away from the conveyor belt. I’m the one who takes the lead to get us to the exit.

“I was thinking, when we travel with the boys now, since they are much more popular, airports will be full of people trying to see the boys. It will be crazy,” I run a hand through my hair.

“Sunglasses and face masks, that will be how we keep hidden. The boys will be very protective of us. They won’t let us go until we are on the plane.”

“Or they will never let us go. Tae likes to be touching me in some way. He’s very cuddly. I missed that the most. Next to kisses.”

“When you move in together, you’ll get all the cuddles, snuggles, kisses, anything you want, all the time.”

“I’m excited for it. Tae said our apartment is really cute. The place allows pets, which was a must. We will be such a happy family,” I force the smile to stay off my face, but the right corner of my mouth pulls up just slightly.

“The cutest family. Your dogs will be so loved,” Emily grabs my hand. “He has decorated the space, yes?”

“Yes, with the basics. Bed, TV, video game consoles, couch, and all that. All my stuff will fit into it easily. He wants to combine our stuffed animal collections.”

“It will be so big,” she chuckles. “That’s really cute, and shows that you share things now. It’s no longer one, it is both of you as one. If that makes sense.”

“It is us now,” I begin to scan the area for Nari as we are almost to the exit. “I like it,” I feel my necklace bounce around. “Do you see Nari?”

“Um,” Emily begins looking around with me. “Oh, I think I spot a sign with our names.” She releases my hand to point at the spot.

I look over to where Emily is pointing, and a flash of nostalgia washes over me.

Nari is standing with a simple piece of white paper that reads ‘Amber and Emily from America.’ Just like it was two years ago, and I know she did it on purpose.

Emily and I pick up our pace, reaching Nari in the next few seconds. All three of us can’t get the smiles off our faces.

“Oh girls, it is nice to see you,” Nari lowers the paper. “I have been counting down the days for months, and I am so glad you are here.”

“For life,” I nod. “We told our parents our plan, but how much they understood and truly believed is not clear.”

“But we are here to stay,” Emily takes over for me. “We can’t leave our boys again. It would be too much. Amber had such a bad few months when we first got back this time, and I never want to see that again.”

“I can’t do that again,” I mess with my glasses. “I just can’t. I am not leaving Taehyung ever again like that. We will be together for the rest of our lives.”

“That’s cute,” Nari pokes my nose. “Speaking of being together, Taehyung picked up the boxes you sent over. They are probably just sitting in your apartment, waiting for you.”

“That’s crazy. My apartment. I didn’t pay for it, but I can now. I don’t want Tae to worry about all the bills. That would be selfish of me.”

“You work at Big Hit now, so the two of you can handle it.”

“I’m sure. I also have money in the bank I’ve been saving for a while. We should be good for a long time.”

“You may have to dog sit, Nari,” Emily chuckles. “You know the cutest couple want some doggies.”

“Yes, I will do that,” Nari giggles. “Traveling will be crazy, and long days at the studio.”

“I can do it during the day,” Emily says. “I still have to find a job.”

“It will happen when it is meant to happen,” I bite my bottom lip. “Oh, Nari, how is Jin-oppa?”

“Jinnie is good,” Nari nods a few times. “He actually moved in with me. A few months ago now, and it ahs been wonderful. He still stays at the dorms when needed, but we communicate so we can see each other and all that good stuff. It has been nice. Having him around at night, and when I wake up. We cook as often as we can together. It is fun having him for a roommate, and he has paid rent, so that’s a plus. I would love him anyways, but helping with financial stuff is nice.”

“That’s awesome,” Emily shuffles around. “Now I’ll be your other roommate. That will be so much fun. I’ll try to stay out of your way.”

“Ah, you and Namjoon aren’t up to the living together level yet,” Nari pats Emily’s shoulder. “Both of you couldn’t move out at once anyways. I wouldn’t be able to handle it.”

I giggle, “I’ll come over as much as I can, or you can come over to my place. I love you, Nari. You made so much possible. Besides, I’m staying over tonight.”

“True, true,” Nari says. “Are you excited to ride the train in a few days?”

“Yes, I love the train. It is so much fun. Tae and I had a lot of fun last year when we took it to visit his family.”

“I’ve never ridden on a train before, so I am excited for it,” Emily answers. “I just want to see Namjoon.”

“Of course,” Nari bobs her head a few times. “It has been another nine months, almost ten this time around. They probably want to see you just as much. One more day.”

“Can we just get back to your apartment and eat something?” I yawn, my legs beginning to cramp. “My feet are hurting, and it has been such a long day.”

“Yeah, I agree,” Emily yawns, stretching out her back. “Plane rides are so draining. Going to have to get used to it, though.”

“Traveling will be a big part of our lives very soon,” I rub my eyes, fixing my glasses right after. “So let’s get some rest in now while we can still help it.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Holy crap! I am so excited to get this story started! For now, expect a chapter each Friday until I am finished with this Spring Semester, and then I will figure out what days a chapter will go up. Anyways, thank you so much for reading. I hope you enjoyed, and I would love to know what you thought! Moodboards of the girls will be going up soon. :D

#BTS #BTS x OC #BTS imagine #BTS fan fiction #Jungkook x OC #Jungkook imagine #Taehyung x OC #Taehyung imagine #Jimin x OC #Jimin imagine #Namjoon x OC #Namjoon imagine #Hoseok x OC #Hoseok imagine #Yoongi x OC #Yoongi imagine #Seokjin x OC #Seokjin imagine #My OCs

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