#I keep being like I haven't had a migraine in over a month but I'm thinking. Maybe. That. Isn't true.

[bsaka7]

im thinking i might need to re-grade my hierarchy of headaches like

full on migraine: stabbing pain + nausea + light/sound sensitivity, lasts 8-16hrs = can't do anything except maybe sleep

migraine minor: stabbing pain behind one eye + light sensitivity + minor nausea, can last several days = can do some things but feel sick during them

migraine-ish: stabbing pain, can last several days = can do most things, running usually helps

headache regular: head hurts. comes and goes.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AiTA for not wanting my friends at my booth anymore?

I (29 F) have been trying to get started as an artist at our local conventions. So I found a few friends willing to booth share so we could split the table cost. I always put the down payment on the table for cons in full.

The first year was really hard. People haven't shown as much interest in my fandom merch as I had thought they would (prints/keychains/etc).

They (25) make bags by hand (non fandom related). They're cute items, but people don't show as much interest in them.

The first year we boothed together they were late to the con, and to when the vendor hall opened, and to when I had set times I needed a break from the booth, and wasn't answering their phone. When they have been on booth duty, they spend all their time on their phone and don't talk to attendees unless people ask them questions.

I had a convo abt how disappointed I was with the lack of communication and them being late months after the con. They said they'd work on it and I tried to make it clear that this was my booth (since it's my money we're gambling with). I didn't mind renting out space on it. I had already promised them they'd have space at the table this year, so I didn't push the issue further, but I made it clear if we were to keep being friends I couldn't be in a position where I relied on them professionally. They said they understood, but we had been drinking when talking abt it.

This year, they were late to set up again. They brought people not involved with the booth to sit with us without asking me. So there was four people and my partner didn't feel comfortable being the fifth even though though my partner was the one that helped with set up the day prior. They were an hr late to dinner plans with us that night with 0 notice for an important phone call (their partner found out abt the DBZ guy dying. That was the importaht call) They didn't show up today until 2 hrs after open today with no notice of what was going on (they're rooming with 2 other people that have my # and were at the booth day 1) supposedly due to a migraine, but I know they drink hard after con closes. They have been there when I needed a break and responded when I asked where they were, they've had matching cosplays with me all con and it's all things I'm into. I can see they genuinely tried compared to last year.

Then my partner thought they heard them complaining about me while I was on lunch break today. (I only got food for my family/SO during the 2 hrs their half of the booth people was MIA. I assumed they were getting their own food in that time. Since yesterday they had food before showing up and didn't want lunch). And I had included them in my paid cosplay shoot without asking for them to chip in.

I spent way more money on the table this year literally the day we drove up to the con (long story, but point is I locked in the space, they weren't involved in getting table space this year) It's turned out better than before against all odds. I broke even day 2 not including their sales.

Then they were talking abt how next year they want more table space to take commissions and bring more stuff and be "more involved" with the table. I don't want that. It's like they don't remember agreeing it was my table at the end of last year.

I'm known for being flat/blunt when I'm upset. And at this point it's gone passed inexpeirience to just not thinking abt this as work.

Last year we agreed they'd give me $50 or what sales they made and this year it looks like they won't sell enough to make it to the $50. If I don't take their cut, I know my SO will be frustrated with me for being a push over and them for not following through on our agreement.

Idk how to firmly establish the boundary that it's my table and I don't want them having any more space/control over it without them saying I'm the asshole. I think it would be shitty to do that after demanding all their sales, but idk when to bring it up. It's also their birthday week this week.

I don't mind renting space, but at this point they don't understand that's what they are doing and I'm kind of done. This is our 2nd year doing this convention together, but my 4th table. My partner's furious with them abt the whole thing. I just want the freedom of making choices with my booth without being disappointed by people who say they care about it, then act like working the booth isn't a job.

AITA? Is there a way to not have them less involved with the booth next year without coming off as an asshole?

What are these acronyms?

[slifarianhawk]

Chapter 5: Transfer

The weeks following my first Pankration match were tantalizingly busy. I had Roussimoff scheduling me for a fight every few days. The number of coupons I was raking in was far more substantial than my days working long hours on the production floor. However, the crowd still seemed to hate my guts. While some warmed up to me more often than not, people placed higher bets on my opponent. Not that I cared. It just meant I could afford a minuscule upgrade in my way of life.

I was walking through the admin area on my way to see if wosley had any more Fonta available for purchase when Sam ran up to me. He seemed to be in quite the rush.

"Ah! Sam, care to share a Fonta with me? I have quite a few coupons left over from my winnings." I said, smiling.

He panted as he placed his hands on his knees, "Silva! His grace would like to see you in his office."

"Well, I'm sure his grace would understand if I'm a little late. You look like you were sprinting a mile. Let me get you that Fonta." I smiled, wondering why Wriothesley wanted to see me.

I helped Sam over to the tables. Wolsey walked over to Sam and handed him a bottle of pure water. That was probably a better move than a Fonta.

"I have to go see his grace. Keep an eye on him, Wosley." I said as I walked away.

Once again, I'd only seen him in passing glances. He always seemed so busy. But he was there at each of my Pankration matches. I always saw him for a brief second out of the corner of my eye during the final moments of the bout.

It was oddly comforting. I heard from Roussimoff that his grace still participates in Pankration matches. That he was a champion Pankration fighter numerous times. Maybe I should ask for some tips or something.

I opened the massive metal door. I could faintly hear jazz playing in the background. I walked in and slowly ascended the stairs. The music gradually increased in volume as I climbed. I stopped at the top of the stairs and noticed his back turned towards me.

"You wished to see me your grace?" I asked as I approached him.

"Ah, Silva, thank you for coming. Please have a seat. I just put a fresh pot of tea on." He said back still towards me, his hand gesturing to the sofa.

"Thank you, Wriothesley." I said, walking over towards the couch.

"It seems I owe you a set of thanks. I just received a letter with a contract and an order sheet from Bubu pharmacy." He said, turning towards me a package in his hand.

"A promise is a promise, your grace. I am a woman of my word. I may not be a prideful person. However, I do hold myself to that standard." I said as he sat the package and two letters on the coffee table.

"That package came from Liyue Harbor addressed to you. It came with three letters, one addressed to the Duke of Meropide, the those are addresses to you." He said, walking over to the now whistling tea kettle.

"Thank you, Wriothesley. I don't know if you noticed, but there are those here who aren't my biggest fans." I smiled as I picked up the letters. One was a light blue envelope with a green wax seal with a snake on it. Baizhu, I'm glad he replied. The other one was just like the last letter his grace handed me.

"Care for any sugar or cream?" He asked, pouring the tea into their respective cups.

"Depends. What blend are we drinking today?" I asked, slowly opening Baizhu's letter.

"I'm using your blend, seeing as we haven't shared tea in the past month and a half. Not to mention the reports I've been getting from Sigewinne about a certain inmate with a migraine every few days. I figured it would be the best course of action." He said, placing a cube in his tea.

I felt a blush graze my cheeks, "Just one then, your grace. I must apologize  about my actions. They seem to have made you worry about my well-being. I just didn't want there to be any call to arms against you. As I said earlier, there aren't very many here who look kindly upon me."

"I figured that was the case. Tell me how long have you been receiving those threatening notes on your workstation in the production zone?" He asked, sitting next to me on the couch.

I must have had a shocked look on my face because Wriothesley let out a small chuckle. He took a sip of his tea.  I gazed at the scars under he eyes lift as he did. Did my heart just flutter at that... nope, that couldn't have been it.

"How long have you known? I haven't told anyone about them." I said, trying to hide my expression by taking a drink of my tea.

"Sam... He reported it. He noticed the random slips of paper appearing at your work bench seemingly overnight when no one was around. He read one and was horrified. He brought it to my attention later that shift." He said, glancing at me.

"Sam..." I said, looking at my hands shaking.

"I decided to investigate, and I can tell you that they are dropped off between my early morning rounds and start of your shift. Being that I only started this investigation about three days ago, I'd say your package arrived with perfect timing,  paper trail, and all." He said with a smug tone in his voice.

"Thank you, Wriothesley. If I weren't so stubborn about not feeling like a burden, I would have brought it to your attention. It's been happening since my third day here." I sigh, setting my cup down.

"You should have brought this to my attention." He said, turning towards me, "I know a lot of gaurdes and prisoners are still used to my predecessors' rules and policies. My new policies instill the main rule of rehabilitation and consistency. I want Meropide to be a place where people learn from their wrongs and grow in a place free from the constant threat of violence. That's why I kept the Pankration ring."

His tone was like he was scolding an inmate, and in the truest sense of the thought, he was. However, there was something else there, it seemed. I shook my head, I was just thinking too much into it.

"Would you like me to read the letters to you, Wriothesley?" I asked, flustered quickly, trying to change the subject.

"Oh ahem, yes, that was the main reason I did call you here. Monsieur Nuevillette wants to know if you were in contact with the people who matter to you." Wriothesley said, pouring more tea into both mine and his cups.

"He is a very kind man." I said, placing a single cube of sugar in my cup.

"You've only seen him in a decent mood. He has a temperament that is to be minded." Wriothesley said.

I opened the letter and started to read. Baizhus voice playing in my head, Changshengs as well.

"Silva, I am glad to have received your letter. When Mr. Zhongli informed me of your circumstances. I was sure it would be quite a while before I heard from you again. It brings comfort to me and Changsheng to hear you are well. To think you'd make a deal to bring me more mora while so far away. I'm glad to see you haven't changed from the kind girl who volunteered to help Qiqi and Gui dry herbs in her free time. I sent you some more of the tea that I provided you with before your trip, as well as something special. Mr. Zhongli asked me to provide it to you, even covered the costs of the shipping. I think he figured part of the mystery of your mother. He wouldn't talk to me much about it, so I'm not exactly sure about the details. He had me send a letter from him in this parcel. Have the lovely head nurse reach out with any needs of your medication. I'll be glad to cover the expenses until you return to Liyue.

On one last note, however, Changsheng wants you to be careful. Goodness knows what will happen if you come in contact with that drug again. Dendro energy can be very volatile when not properly controlled. She doesn't want to see you hurt. Nor do I, for that matter. Take care of yourself since I'm not there to treat your wounds. Please write to me when you can. Take care, Baizhu and Changsheng."  I said, wiping tears from my eyes.

"He seems like a very good man and an even better doctor. Who is Changsheng? His wife?" Wriothesley asked, and I simply laughed.

"No, nothing like that. Changsheng is his familiar he inherented from his master." I smiled.

"Oh..." He coughed a bit of an embarrassed blush on his cheeks, "Ehem... I won't have you read that letter from your other friend. It seems the information is strictly meant for you. I understand the importance of finding out where you came from. It isn't talked about much, but I was raised in a foster home."

I noticed something in his expression, a forlorn darkness. There was something he clearly needed to unpack. But I don't feel like I should dig. We were just becoming more familiar with each other. But something compelled me to say something.

"You okay, Wriothesley? You seem a bit sullen all of a sudden." I say instinctively, placing my hand on his back.

He stiffened for a brief second at the touch but quickly relaxed, "Yeah, just lost in thought."

He stood up and stretched. Walking over to his desk, he pulled out a couple of papers and a quill. He motioned me to come to over to him.

"I need you to sign a couple of things. Would you come over here?" He said.

I simply nodded and walked over to the desk.

"What do you need me to sign?" I asked curiously.

"Well one I need you to sign without a doubt before you leave. In all honesty, I'd feel safer with it in place. The other is a contract between you and me if you are interested." He said, staring into my eyes.

This piqued my interest. What kind of contract would I'd be signing, and what was the first paper about. I stopped in front of his desk, and he handed me the first paper he pulled out. It had notice of work transfer in bold on top.

"I discussed this with Nuevillette. I told him about the notes on your workstation as soon as i heard about it as he wants updates and all. He believes this will at least lessen the chance of someone taking their version of justice out on you." Wriothesley said, interlocking his fingers together.

I read the document and confusion spring up in my mind.

"To the kitchens, are you sure? Wosley normally doesn't trust violent offenders in his kitchens." I asked.

Wriothesley chuckled, "He welcomed the thought with open arms. I distinctly remember him saying he finds you pleasant for conversation and would love to learn more about the cuisine you've picked up through your travels. He said that the hours are longer than the production zones but is willing to give you time off for your Pankration matches."

I felt a shock run through my system. Wosley even describes himself as a person who doesn't trust very easily. I felt an ease of tension flood my body. Then, a saddened thought dripped into my  thoughts. How would I train for my matches. Even though I was still new in the ring. The release it gave me from my frustrations was almost euphoric.

I heard another chuckle from his grace.

"I know that look. Debating between the transfer and the ring, huh?" He said, handing me the second paper.

"Am i that easy to read?" I asked, taking the supposed contract.

"No, I was in your position at one point during my stay. That's why I had this drawn up. I think you'd find it quite beneficial for us both." He said.

I felt drawn to the contract. What was it? What did it entail? I picked it up and started to read through it. I must have looked incredibly flustered.

"It doesn't involve anything of a personal nature. If that's what got you looking like that." He assured me.

I felt my cheeks redden, and i stopped reading, not even getting past the secondline. That wasn't what I thought! Was it? No, definitely not. Ayato always told me to wait to find someone I cared about to do anything like that. I barely have known Wriothesley for a couple of months, archons. This is only the second time we have even actually spoken.

"I promise Wriothesley! it's not that!" I exclaimed.

He let out a laugh that clearly built from his stomach, "Oh relax, sweetheart. I was just pulling your leg. If I had five mora for every time a  female inmate offered herself to me, I'd be able to afford the kitchen overhaul Wosley has been asking for."

Sweetheart? That word rang in my ears. I shook my head at my stupidity. He was the administrator. Of course, he wouldn't do that.

"This is simply a sparring and training  contract." He said as I set it down and walked up behind me.

"Training?" I asked, turning my head to look at him.

"I've been at each of your matches, and I know you know that. You're good with your weapon and alchemy. However, your martial arts is sloppy, to say the least. At the same time, i find your combat interesting. I want to train you to be able to use your abilities to their fullest. I could even help you make some improvements on your weapons. " He said, placing his hand on the contract.

"You want to train me?" I asked, noticing his scarred hands hidden behind black bandages.

"It's just an offer. It would allow you to be up after lights out and be able to not allow the other inmates to watch you train. I'd even have Sam escort you back to your bunk." He said.

"You sure about all this, even the weapons your grace. All I use are wires? How can that even be modified?" I asked my mind racing.

I felt something heavy on my opposite shoulder. I quickly turned my head and saw a black and brass gauntlet resting on it. Where the hell did that come from.

"It surprises most people what a little knowledge of mechanics can do. I was able to perfect these during my time here. They resonate very well with my catalyst." He said, pulling his gauntlet away from me as he walked back to his chair, "in the end, this decision is completely up to you."

"I know, I've made up my mind." I said, setting down the contract, "I'm tired of doing the same old thing. Be it combat or work. It's been getting harder each match in the ring. Not to mention, I have a feeling that the asshole who stabbed me is still out there."

"Well then, the dotted line is right there, sweetheart." Wriothesley said, handing me the inked quill.

I took the pen and signed the documents. Sliding them over to him, I noticed his face seemed contemplative. I wondered what was going on behind those lovely blue grey eyes. I sighed at my thoughts. I felt as if I should start my job for the day.

"Wriothesley, when would you like to have our first training session?" I asked curiously.

"How about tomorrow? You have a match tonight, right? That way, I can finish off what regimen to build off of." He said, standing up looking at the time, "speaking of which you should probably head to the kitchen. Don't worry, I'll bring the crate brought to your bunk later."

"Thank you, Wriothesley." I said, heading towards the stairs.

"No problem. Here, let me at least walk you out." He said, catching up to me.

"Thanks," I said, stopping at the stairs and trying to turn towards him.

Unfortunately, my balance didn't want to stay stable. I felt the air of the office rush past my ears. Well fuck... I awaited the pain to strike only to feel a strong pull. The next thing I felt was warmth and my face pressed against fabric.

I looked up only to see myself pulled into Wriothesley's chest, his hand on my wrist, and his other arm wrapped around my back. I saw concern on his face, but his cheeks were slightly pink.

"Hey now, be careful. I can tell you from experience those metal stairs hurt." He said his gaze off to the side, a slightly snarky tone in his voice.

"Of course, I'm sorry." I said as he released me.

"No need for apologies. Can't let you be at a disadvantage in your bout later, right?" He said.

"Yeah, guess you right. I guess I'll see you at the match?" I asked.

"Wouldn't miss it." He said as I walked down the stairs.

As I walked out the doors, I heard a deep clicking noise after they closed. The guardes looked confused.

"Wonder why he locked the door?" I heard one guarde ask the other.

The other just shrugged and resumed guarding the door. My mind wandered as I made my way to the kitchen. Why would Wriothesley lock the door behind him? Did I do something wrong?

When I arrived at the kitchen, I shoved all those thoughts aside. I just knew that today was the start of something for me.

[vreemd]

wish there was some room in online adhd spaces for people who don't want to or can't take medication. I so often see people acting like we're just stupid or self sabotaging.

I got stimulant medication prescribed to me. I had high blood pressure at the time (and always do; I have cptsd and suspected POTS, or something else) and no one at any point explained to me that this was an actual risk. like a life or death level kind of risk. I was just told to monitor my BP. at age 25 I wasn't really sure what my BP was even supposed to be like.

so one morning, a few months into taking ritalin, I woke up with an absolute fucker of a migraine, and just feeling very weird. like my entire body was making overtime, working too fast. my heart was beating out of my chest, I was out of breath, trembling more than normal. my skin felt too small and tight to contain all my blood and my body hurt all over.

I took my BP. it was 190/240. great, I thought, that's normal, right? I wasn't 100% sure so I sent a picture of the meter to my brother in law (he is an EMT). I was completely wrong; 90/140 is normal. my numbers were both 100 points too high.

I had to go to the ER, got BP medication and had to stop the adhd meds immediately. I also had to take my prescription of benzodiazepine medication regularly to keep my BP down while the meds left my system.

I had had a hypertensive crisis. this could've been a lot worse had I not questioned my BP numbers. I could've very well had a heart attack had I taken the adhd medication again.

you might think "but you didn't have a heart attack so, crisis averted, right?" my endurance after having that hypertensive crisis had dropped to zero. I had to build my walking endurance back up. to the mailbox, a bit past it, etc. I remained out of breath for so long. I couldn't do any strenuous activity, I couldn't read out loud of talk for more than a minute without being completely out of breath. this took months, if not an entire year, to reach some kind of normalcy again.

my blood pressure, while it was always high and I have one or more conditions that make it so, has stayed higher after that than it was before. I'm on more blood pressure medication now, and on a higher dose. I didn't do anything in my life that caused high BP to begin with, and now I have to watch what I eat, have to exercise regularly and avoid caffeine, which is fun when you have chronic fatigue.

so no, I don't want medication. I'd maybe try a non-stimulant one, but that isn't very common in my country and I haven't found any doctors yet who'd be on board with trying. some people genuinely CANNOT take stimulant adhd meds, others don't want to for health or other reasons.

the fact that the entire online (and offline) experience of finding other people with adhd is just "oh I was a lazy dysfunctional POS until I started taking meth!" is so alienating. like I genuinely truly believe that there is a lot of work you can do to function easier with adhd, and I think the psychiatric system is just lazy and unwilling to try to do anything other than giving anyone and their mom a prescription for extremely heavy medication with potential deadly side effects. I don't think that's normal.

I do also think that if you do take the medication and it works for you that's great, but that's not my point here.

[thessalian]

Thess vs Restarts

So. I have a quandary. Actually, I have multiple quandaries, and all of them stem from being understaffed at work and lacking spoons for most things.

The last time I played Horizon: Forbidden West was about two months ago. I'm in endgame. I think I could probably get back into the vibe of it without starting at the beginning, but I'm not sure. But I don't really have the spoons for that shit anyway so I'll let that sit on the back burner. If I can still get into the endgame vibe now, I'll still be able to get into the endgame vibe in a month or whatever.

The last time I played Baldur's Gate 3, not counting a little bit yesterday, was a little over three months ago. The little bit I played yesterday has made me well aware that no, I cannot just get back into the vibe of it at the point of "Let's go rescue tieflings from squid-jail". Which means a restart. On the one hand, I have nearly 264 hours in that fucking game and have never finished a full playthrough. On the other hand, I have had it since early access, like, years ago, and I did get very nearly to the end at least once, so maybe I shouldn't be as infuriated with that as I am.

In both cases, it just feels aggravating to start all over again. On the other hand, a restart really wouldn't be the end of the world. Forbidden West is like ... hey, at least I'll be starting from a point of knowing what the fuck I'm doing this time. As for Baldur's Gate 3? Sure, I know where to look for a lot of things, but everything being a matter of dice rolls means I haven't had the exact same playthrough once in the several I've had to do and redo and redo again. Because there have been a lot of those.

(One of them was because of a mod incompatibility so I really hope that when they get Patch 7 working, their mod manager doesn't mess with the mods that are already out there...)

Anyway, I figure what's going to happen is that I'm going to restart Baldur's Gate 3, because I cannot deal with frenetic combat right now and turn-based is about the limit of my abilities just now, and I have a migraine so anything too convoluted probably isn't a great idea, and I can start an Alisaie liveblog with her as an actual Aasimar quite some time after the half-elf version was so that even if I do repeat some jokes, they'll probably hit like new anyway. And I will get back to Forbidden West eventually. That's the good thing about endgame here. I've dealt with literally everything at this point and I am not about to forget how much I want to turn those Zenith jackass's faces into pincushions with my arrows, so the vibe won't be hard to find. But not entirely remembering the path it took to get from "Oh fuck I'm on a Nautiloid" to "And here we go into the tower to rescue some tieflings" actually matters to BG3. Which is part of its charm, but it's exactly why I haven't been able to complete an entire playthrough yet - I keep getting low on spoons.

Hey, at least I get to mess around with the character creator. C'mon, that cannot only be my entire jam about games like this... Right?

As an aside, things really are a mess at work right now. The others seem to be dawdling through shit to avoid not so much the longer ones (although anything above three minutes is still avoided like the corpse of a shithouse rat by everyone except I think Goblin, ironically), but the Annoyances. So I get all the Annoyances now. I am so tired of the Annoyances. It's no wonder that I never have spoons anymore.

I would dearly love to get takeaway, but I can't. I mean, part of that's because gluten-free takeaway tends towards the expensive, especially these days ... but mostly it's because I did defrost leftover risotto so it needs to be eaten. At least hot meal won't require many spoons.

[galaxietm]

popping on to give some updates!

- updated blog icon to match @peachiiihearts (ily dew) - updated pinned list for june bdays (with the exception of my own, but there's several muses whose bdays i'm excited for, so hopefully i can hop on to do stuff for them) - considering updating blog header?? not sure - trimming down muse list in the background, will probably post what muses i'm dropping soon(ish??) - working on getting muse pages finished so i can share carr.d link, may just share carr.d link without the pages being done. - a few more oc pages are done, others have been started

other general updates below the cut, somewhat unrelated to rp stuff but adjacently related to blog status i guess? feel free to keep scrolling if you'd like! no pressure ♡♡

tl;dr / me attempting to condense it all here. i haven't been around as much due to mental health (probably the second biggest reason) as well as stressing about money-related things; i don't want to bring that energy and such onto here so i've been avoiding it, more or less. i've been working a lot the last two weeks, in part so i can catch up with rent and try to get ahead of that and bills, and i think i'll start to have free time in about a week / week and a half (as my birthday this month comes up, funny enough lol) since i've been all over the place due to work, that's why some of my activity is all over the place. my shifts at work vary from overnights (think 10pm to 6am) to early mornings (around 2am - 7am, 4am - 9am, etc) and sometimes somewhat close to each other- so i really mostly have time to come home, eat, wind down and relax. so if i hop online, it's moments like now (where it's like, 2:30am-ish) for a little bit before one of my early shifts.

have also been dealing with random aches, pains and headaches as well (woke up with a really bad migraine a week ago when i was gonna try to be online / try to write, so that didn't happen) so i've been attempting to self-care while i can, and i'm trying to get up the courage to reach out to a few therapists for consultations so i can finally like. i dunno- try to get that part taken care of since my last therapist didn't work out and it's been a while. i'm also trying to fit in getting new glasses, since i've had my current pair for, uh- way longer than i should have.

but anyway. aside from the stress and still slow recovering from the legal stuff with evicting ex-roomies early this year (as well as avoiding the attempts of updates people have tried to give me about them, because there's people who have been attempting to tell me about them lol) i've been slowly doing better. trying to do what i can to fix up my place and trying to get things in shape on my end. i've been far happier without them here, i can actually relax and like. start to get to know myself and be myself again. it's been?? a little bit bittersweet, honestly. complicated feelings for different reasons, i guess. i had to hide parts of myself because of the first set of roomies, and i didn't get to bring those parts back for a while.

i've been finally watching through some anime on my backlog and i've been resisting the urge to joke about possibly writing dungeon meshi characters or others- but there's a few characters i've picked up (one i'm finally indulging myself on trying to write lol) and a few that that i'm waiting until i finish trimming the muse list until i decide to pick them up- for my own sanity, really. i'm trying to be less attached to them and more 'do i get to write for you aside from saying i'd like to? then bye' about some of them.

but anyway. i hope all of you have been doing well. think of this as a bit of a vent post? i haven't done one of those in a while, haha. it's been an interesting year, but hopefully soon i'll get to be active here again- i really miss writing, so hopefully soon i'll be able to get back on here and just. write and interact with some of ya'll again.

if you'd like to try to keep in touch better, i've got a disc.ord i can exchange with mutuals.

[multifandumbmeg]

Random update per my fics:

Sorry I haven't updated in the last few days. I usually try to write some every day, but I took a day off to plan Golden Glint and then finished the mini fic (Reckoning of Mike Carrera) I started before it because that's what I wanted to write and I wanted to finish it.

On the topic of all my in-progress fics, my writing just isn't consistent right now. I mentioned a while ago that I'm going through AO3 author's curse and would eventually expand on that, so since I'm extremely frustrated and paralyzed from being productive today I'll do that now.

Starting from winter/late fall of 2022 I got sick and basically never got better. I was having illness after illness that meds weren't solving, and my headaches just got more and more frequent until they were every day for at least three months. By the time I came home from Korea, I was having full-blown debilitating migraines every day and attacks where I would almost pass out and couldn't breathe. It took me a couple months but I got on insurance, started a new job, and managed to convince my parents to let me focus on getting my health together this year.

It's been extremely difficult and frustrating because US healthcare, but I found out I do not in fact have ANY allergies despite doctors telling me I do, literally putting me on allergy shots for a year, and telling me that was the cause of migraines, inability to breathe, and constant illness, none of which were true. I had to prove this to them by fighting to see an actual allergist and getting re-tested which costs me hundreds of dollars out of pocket, but at least the allergist was a good dude who wrote a SCATHING letter to my primary care demanding I be sent to the proper specialists for my symptoms. Several blood tests and medications later, we have whammy number two:

The hypoglycemia I was diagnosed with as a teenager was not in fact random. Instead, I have hyperthyroidism caused by Graves Disease. Except I ALSO have Hashimoto's Disease, because I am just so special like that. Basically, rather than allergies like I was always told, I have been getting every single sickness that rolled by for the past several decades and because I was so used to being sick and so criminally gaslit about it, I didn't even know I was ill and just kept going. Thyroid also has tumors on it. I may also have other autoimmune disorders, or thyroid cancer, but I won't know until I finally see an endocrinologist an hour away later this month.

Though my daily migraines stopped last summer, I still get frequent headaches and now extremely bad ones (or migraines) every time it rains. Generally, there seems to be some kind of inflammation issue where my body over-reacts to literally everything by swelling up and causing more problems.

Possibly tied to that, I was in pain every single day at work. Considering my age, there is no normal reason I should be crippled by joint pain but that is yet to be solved. I now only work two days a week, which has helped significantly, but I am still consistently in a ton of pain two days a week, sometimes three as a rebound.

In January, before I had gotten any diagnoses, my parents gave me an ultimatum that they were kicking me out in May. I had to beg them to go part-time because I simply could not keep up with job applications while I was so constantly tired and pain. After sobbing for two straight days about the inevitability of becoming homeless because I can't afford to or logistically live on my own, my mom convinced my dad to let me go part time on the condition that I continue to pay the same rent Ive been paying to live in one of their empty spare rooms.

In February, I went in for the first appointment toward getting an Autism screening. The therapist suggested I get an ADHD test and recommended me for the official autism screening, saying I have a solid case for suspecting. After a little computer game and another talking appointment, slightly to my own surprise (especially because of how easy it was) I was clinically diagnosed with ADHD. I recently started meds for that and it has made basic tasks and job applications infinitely easier to the extent it's insane, plus my final Autism screening is next week and based on my results every step of the process so far diagnosis seems likely.

All that said, the job search process has been soul-destroyingly frustrating. I have a masters degree in a specialized field, backed up by a Bachelor's in a relevant field, years of study abroad and work abroad (which is relevant to my career path) and a track record of excellent academic achievement. I also speak French and Korean near-fluently and am conversational in Romanian and Russian, as well as knowing a fair few phrases in a number of other languages. Every job I've had has stressed me out to the point of quitting by around a year (hello Autism), but also none were related to what I studied at all, highly customer service oriented, and still every one would tell you I was one of the best employees they ever had and begged me to stay. Even with this track record, after literally HUNDREDS AND HUNDREDS of applications (which in my field almost always require a cover letter, often questionnaires and lengthy short answers, or even writing samples in addition) I have had ONE interview in four years. ONE. And I was so heinously underqualified for that hail-Mary I'm 99% certain they only interviewed me to meet a quota. As you can imagine, for someone with highly probable AuDHD, doing the same thing over and over for 4 years with a 100% failure rate is enough to make me want to dive into a lake with a pile of bricks chained to my back.

I'm still months out from seeing a neurologist about my headaches and general constant pain, I don't have a plan of action for my buck-wild medical anomaly thyroid, and I don't know if my parents are kicking me out next month. They haven't brought it up so maybe with my recent headway on the Peace Corps application (was told I stand a very good chance, but that's another contract job overseas, further pushing back my ability to find a stable, long term career job) and slew of diagnoses and medications, my dad is cooling off a bit. I don't know.

All that to say my body is crumbling out from under me, my job is stressful, and despite being extremely qualified and putting in so much effort, I have zero long-term life prospects. Sometimes, that results in me diving whole-hog into writing for fun and as an outlet, other times I'm too tired or need to bury myself in mindless content consumption or days of spending every spare moment staring at my ceiling in silence until I maybe fall asleep. Did I also mention the crippling lifelong insomnia which my ADHD meds (along with rapid weight loss I'm desperately trying to curb because I'm already borderline underweight due to my thyroid) are exacerbating?

Anywyay. Point is I'm very tired and stressed so my writing is going to be much less consistent than in the past. Hope you understand. Also just an update for my online friends. TMI but I needed to rant and put it out there for those wondering to lower expectations.

[firespirited]

Yesterday I had an ultrasound scan of my salivary glands (wrt long term swollen tongue with ridges loss of taste and thick saliva) . It came out clear. Next step is a panoramic teeth x-ray. But after the post car ride migraine took me out, I had an odd moment of pain clarity if that makes any sense. I made a bunch of decisions weighing up the cost- benefits of various stuff. It just sort of clicked into a logical sense like when you understand the spoons metaphor but for multiple factors intersecting with energy. It was a horrid 16 hours rager of a headache and insomnia but I guess something shook loose. Funny how that happens.

Once i could use screens again, I continued the momentum and did a kon mari of youtube and instagram subs.

Anything not actually sparking joy/enjoying the actual person instead of fomo... unfollowed. I much prefer the tumblr dollblr vibe and the commentary channels were either critiquing media I just can't get around to watching any time soon or discourse I find a little silly (drama pays the rent but I hate rewarding the algorithms that pay for drama).

I've really enjoyed interactions over the past few months with folks here and it puts things into perspective. This is fun, it sparks joy, I can be useful and the rest is sinking work into an attention economy that my type of energy and output isn't made for. I've also been working painfully for over 7 months and while I can't take a break and vacations are for well people, I do need to cut myself some slack in other areas.

To Do lists become a weight around your neck if they were put together in a different time with different constraints. Even, if that was last week. You end up focusing on what you can't do instead of shelving that To Do list and making a new one that fits the current state of affairs. Or in this case, multiple lists: daily, physio goals, hobby projects, destash...

❇️ I'm going to do some hobby stuff at the end of the month even if it costs me because that's a thing just for me and not chores. The head bundle didn't sell (the buyer is a regular question asker who's interested then doesn't actually buy) so I've removed all those reroots and will be sending them out to be rehomed this autumn (energy permitting). I haven't been spending money on the hobby and doing ok with very occasional treats.

Next up:

❇️ Map routes to walk that avoid the tiger mosquito danger zones - there's a stagnating stream close to the phone library. Keep to set times due to the heat wave.

❇️ Delete TV, films and documentaries that aren't actually fun-fun or seem to rehash stuff I already know. I went ahead and got paperbacks of bell hooks just to have in hand. Felt extravagant but she's essential.

❇️ Schedule medical appointments after the heatwave is over. Factor in the post car-ride migraine to weekly chores.

❇️ Stop beating myself up for being 'negative', it's ok to be annoyed and angry. However, recognizing patterns of things that are not worth engaging with when you're overtired and sore is also a good habit. Writing this stuff down helps to remember.

Discourse is the mind killer, Explaining capitalism or Barbie is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will NOT face the discourses. I will permit it to pass over me by aggressively muting or scrolling past. And when it has gone past I will NOT turn the inner eye to say that very pertinent take even if the other person is completely off base.

[alukewarmdefenceofapathy]

SPILLING MY HEART OUT FOR FUNSIES /j

tw/cw: mental health, menstruation and related issues, i dunno, 500 flavours of sad i guess.

i've had period problems ever since i first got mine when i was 10. i would not have a period for two months and then have a 15 day cycle the next month. i've lived with depression for as long as i can remember, even back when i didn't know it had a name. today i either can't sleep for 36 hours or won't wake up for 14 hours straight. i haven't had a period in six months and it's like i can feel the buildup inside me. if my period does start up again i will bleed so much for so long that i'll need transfusions of blood and iron. doctors might give me meds but once the course is done, rinse and fucking repeat. been plagued with crippling lower back pain recently because of course. i don't even think to mention my chronic migraines and other kinds of pain anymore if someone asks. been diagnosed with everything from garden variety depression and anxiety to borderline personality disorder and schizophrenia but nobody will take me seriously when i say i think i might have adhd. gynaecologists and ultrasound techs literally laugh at me when i tell them about my mental health struggles, psychiatrists tell me to "just do it" basically. and sometimes to eat almonds. both tell me that losing weight is the solution. i feel like smashing my head against the wall and using the kitchen knife to give myself a diy hysterectomy is the only thing that might help at this point. i've tried to kill myself 3 times in my life, and i don't know what to do anymore. it's like i'm screaming into a vacuum and the pressure pockets are making my skull cave in, but the process never actually finishes. i was an anthropology major but dropped out almost at the end of my last year because of the crippling and i mean crippling executive dysfunction that stopped me from being able to complete my final thesis. i used to dream of a career in academia. i used to think i would be able to get out from under my parents roof. i used to think my parents weren't bad people. but then again i used to believe i could have a future if i worked hard enough too.

i don't know how i'm supposed to keep doing this. i cannot comprehend for the life of me how i'm supposed to keep going. i'm 26 and have never had sex or a romantic relationship, nor have i ever particularly wanted one. but i also feel so alone. i hover my thumbs over my phone keyboard but no longer want to bother my friends with my predicaments and so no longer press send on those texts anymore. they have lives and jobs and marriages now, i just have a brain that won't shut up. if i tell someone that i think my uterus et al are messing up my mental state even more, that it's a viscous cycle - i can't bring myself to want to live but when i seek help they say the only solution is going to the gym and exercising which is something i am no longer capable of, nobody believes me. i doubt they even hear me at all. but an unmarried woman who hasn't had kids yet and no notable predisposition to cancer wanting a hysterectomy? that's bonkers. genuine question: why did we decide that mental health and physical health are such alien concepts when compared to one another? does the mental stuff not happen in the brain? and is the brain not part of the body?

i feel helpless and sad and pathetic. and then i hate myself for being so adamant about feeling so sorry for myself. and then i feel like a narcissist for having such an abdominable level of self-loathing. and when i remember that trying to kill myself never actually ends in my favour, apparently i spill my guts out to strangers on the internet. to what end, i still haven't figured out. being the perfect child did not spare me from the fate of eventually becoming an utter disappointment, a shameful burden, only fodder for gossip among extended family.

feels like i died somewhere between then and now. where i currently am is the 7 minutes of "your entire life flashing before your eyes" before the brain really dies. except it's dragging on for way too long. my mind is still half awake, imagination gears still churning, dishing out all the what-ifs and what-could-have-beens in double time. i am being haunted by my own ghost before i even got the chance to truly take my leave. this feels like a single very long sleep paralysis episode. it must be either that or being in limbo in purgatory. and i can't prove any of those not true. i want it to end. i desperately need it to end, whatever "it" is. because it ain't life. this is not living. i am no longer alive and that is the only thing i know anymore.

[ovaryacted]

Questions 3 and 30 for the ask game <3

Also hiiiii nic, how've you been? 🩷🩷 I'm so glad the ask box is open again. I hope you are feeling better since you said you were really busy a while ago, if I remember correctly?

Also OH MY GOD THEY WEREN'T KIDDING WHEN THEY SAID COLLEGE LIFE WAS WILDD 😭😭 ESPECIALLY WHEN IT COMES TO DATING 💀 tell me why I met this boy and got into a relationship with him after an embarassingly short amount of time, then he lovebombed me, had a mental breakdown, got bored and attempted to fake his own death 😭😭 safe to say we're over, though I'm still a little worried about his mental health lmaoo. It's a shame though, I thought I met my brunette version of Leon Kennedy irl, he was really sweet and dorky and all I could ask for. But whatever, life goes on. I think I might quit dating real men until I graduate tho 💀💀 Leon and Chris it is until then!

Sorry if this felt like a rant, but it was too hilarious not to share 😭😭 I hope you're having better luck with real men than I am nic 🥲 it's okay tho, who needs some crazy Texan nerd when Leon Scott Kennedy is right there?

Also, if you have any vague details to share about your upcoming fics, please do! I always stalk your blog for updates, your writing is just that good!! I can be patient though, no pressure. I hope you're having lovely writing time :3

Take care pookie, sending lots of love <3

-🌑

writer ask game

Omg hey new moon anon! It's always so nice to hear from you. 🫶 I'm doing alright for the most part, dealing with migraines so that's fun but I'm handling it. I hope you're doing good too. And yeah, I was busy and a little burnt out from answering all of those asks for like a week straight so I closed my ask box to regroup, but I'm more energetic now so that's good!

#3. how do you feel about your current WIP?

Oh my current WIP is a pain in the ass LMAOO. I've been working on it for like a month on and off and I'm about to revisit it today and re-edit it completely. Sometimes I think I overstress myself about writing certain things because I'm a perfectionist and want to put out stuff that I am happy with, but I'm really hoping I get this done. It's the first chapter of my series, which is hilarious cause I've been drafting this idea out for like 6 months and I still haven't uploaded it. I will though, eventually, I'm just scared about putting it out into the world since it's something I've planned so thoroughly.

#30. share a fic you're especially proud of

I believe I've answered this already but definitely One Of Those Days simply because of how cohesive it is and how easy it was to write. It's one of my favorite things that I've written, and because lord knows I want a dilf to take care of me after a stressful day so it's personal.

Now college boys? Babe, as someone older I'm going to tell you, stay away from them boys at school. Obviously, have fun and be safe duh, but don't let these LEWSERS derail you from your education. I'm sorry that happened though seriously, being lovebombed is the absolute worst thing ever, but he sounds crazy for that like. Don't think that what happened determines your worth romantically, believe me, you will be okay. <3

As for me? I haven't had a man within 6 feet of me in 2 years by choice HAHA. They just get dumber and dumber and frankly I don't want to be stressed so I choose to keep my peace, I can't deal with another dating horror story and trust me I've had plenty. Celibacy does get annoying though, I feel like as you get older, your hormones get out of wack and every ovulation cycle gets more intense. I'm literally at my limit but I'm trying to stay strong and not let the voices get to me. May break my celibacy this summer, I'm feeling reckless, but nobody is a #realfucker like me so I'd rather save myself the dissapointment. Sadly, real men are nothing like the fictional ones we all thirst over, so we must all suffer booo.

And as for my fic ideas, I have a lot written down and I'm actually deviating from Leon Kennedy because I'm fixating over Chris Redfield so I'll tell you some of the things I want to write for him in particular!

Essentially, I have a DDLG fic idea I want to crank out with Chris and it kind of extended to me wanting to create a mini universe of Chris and his sub partner just navigating life and learning more about kinks and how to grow in a dom/sub dynamic. I originally wanted to do that with Leon, but the ideas I had just didn't fit his characterization naturally in my head, it felt forced. And now that I've been doing a fuck ton of character analysis and plotting with Chris, my brain changed and everything that didn't fit Leon fits Chris in my head (because they're foils of each other). So yeah, I'm definitely planning on doing that, probably several different one shots about Chris and his gf in a dom/sub partnership and how they explore it together, and they can all be read as stand-alones or in the same "universe" type of deal.

I'm still hesitant cause of how people think about DDLG as a whole and how they view Chris, but I'm just learning to not give a fuck anymore and post it anyway. :)

[oriun]

I'm stating the obvious, but living with a chronic condition in a society that doesn't accommodate for chronic conditions sucks. Need to rant.

I'm good at my job, I often doubt myself but objectively I know I am good based on the feedback I get. My managers don't doubt that I'm good at the job. When I have a few random days off sick over a couple months due to chronic migraines, the human side of my managers says "I get that you're unwell and you can't control these things," but their HR-compliant side follows with "but is there anything we could do to keep them from happening so that you don't miss work as often."

And my occupational health assessment can say both me and management are doing everything we possibly could to prevent them, but higher up they will still ask "is there anything else, though?"

I've had eight migraine-related days off sick in the past three months. It's more than usual, yes, but I have also had two family deaths in three months and a slight delay in my last round of botox because I was abroad dealing with the aftermath of one of said deaths (and I also feel like I have to justify my grief because "they were old so it's expected" but also they were like my parents, I'm 29 and I've lost the equivalent of my parents, I've lost most of what connected me to where I come from, it's a lot more to process than just "old person dies of being old"). So it's not entirely unreasonable that I would be getting more migraines than usual, is it.

And it's not entirely unreasonable to assume that this will probably stabilise itself and that as I get better mentally I will have more capacity to get through a work day with a migraine kept at bay with medication as I've often done in the past, because right now my threshold is a bit lower than usual because, again, I've lost the two most important people in my family.

It's frustrating that the migraines are unpredictable (I was fine yesterday, then I wasn't this morning), that "get signed off sick for a couple weeks to rest and reset" isn't a thing that works for this (I was already off sick to rest and reset, I feel mentally fine, my mood is fine, my energy levels are fine). It's frustrating that "reduce your hours so that you can do just four days" wouldn't work because I might just get a migraine on that day off (not that I could afford to reduce my hours anyway).

And it's frustrating to know that my managers as human beings understand my struggles as a person with a medical condition, but that my managers as employers have to see me, to a significant extent, just in terms of how productive can I be and how much impact I have on the team when someone needs to cover me.

I also understand it's unfair on my colleagues to have to cover me unexpectedly on short notice. But I can't help it! If there was something I could do to have less migraine days, I would! I'm doing all I can in terms of lifestyle, workplace adjustments, getting treatment from a neurologist. Even the occupational health doctor said they couldn't think of anything else that would help me unless I came up with something myself. Which I haven't been able to come up with and it's not like I don't think about it.

It's just frustrating. And despite all this, I'm actually really lucky that I have responded relatively well to the botox treatment and that I am able to keep a full time job.

[laptoparmageddon]

Are you actually sick? I know you've slowed down updates or whatever but what's happening?

Yeah I'm still sick and stuff. People have been wondering about the Deltarune blog updates but I can't keep up as much as I use to.

I haven't gotten into much detail since like- last year?? Because I felt that the constant "yep I'm still sick!" Updates were getting a biiit annoying but yeah I'm still not better. In fact, I've gotten worse!

My physical condition has gotten so bad to the point I'll be in random bouts of pain I call "the agony". Due to this, I can't leave my house as often anymore as the pain is too severe and I never know when it'll happen. That pluss migraines and other pains that I can't figure put either have made just being awake a NIGHTMARE. Not to mention the whole being able to spit blood thing... and my worsening memory. I just call it old man disease at this point.

And don't get me STARTED on the actual nightmares. I usually type down my dreams for potential inspiration but these are so bad that od prefer to forget them... it's probably a sign of poor mental health, that of which has gotten worse due to life situations, not just counting the physical health stuff. I'm not going to go into detail about ot. You guys don't need to know everything.. in one of my previous comic posts, I mentioned that I had recently gotten diagnosed with PTSD. It makes sense considering everything that's happened.. that's how bad things are now...

I'm thankfully seeing a new therapist now (my old one left and also wasn't very helpful regarding the spending habits..) so we're working on dealing with the mountain of problems that apparently were never properly treated over the years. Wow! It might take years to make any progress considering irl situations right now. I should be getting some medicine soon. It'll be difficult to remember taking it due to my shit memory but I gotta try. O also gotta work on the gacha stuff.. apparently my poor self restraint is one of the many unfortunate mental health symptoms. One day I will defeat gacha gaming. (Or at least get in the habit of not to spending so much...)

I haven't seen a medical doctor yet, unfortunately. I've tried making appointments but they never answer my calls... ots been who knows how long since I've seen one .I most certainly can't remember. I'm hoping to see one soon as I'd like to at least know what's happening to me but I don't know if oll ever be able to.. with work and thr pain and the life situations ot might be a few more months. Hey! Maybe I'll be dead by then? Who knows, i definitely don't! I don't want to go to the ER or urgent care as waiting times in my area are too long for me to handle. And again the memory and reading compression. In my condition, I'd need someone to be with me in case something goes wrong (it has in the past). My primary doctor is the only doctor aware of my situation and would be prepared if I suddenly forgot why I was there or something. (Yes it's gotten that bad at points) but making an appointment myself has proven to be very troubling...

So yeah. I haven't been doing very good in any way shape or form. I'm sorry to have worried yall about it and I doubt going into detail has helped but I feel it best that you know how much I'm currently up against and why updates are slower than usual. I'll get to stuff eventually, you'll just have to wait.

[lasersheith]

I'm chronicling some of the weirdest shit that's been going on with my brain over the past year and a half mostly for my own sake but also maybe someone else will find it funny or helpful

-phantom smells/stuff smelling different

This was a side effect of the medication used to reduce the swelling and also a side effect of the actual condition and for some reason resulted in me being absolutely revolted by the taste of cooked carrots

I also couldn't use the bathroom after my partner had showered until it completely defogged because for whatever reason the shampoo and skin care and eczema medication combo he uses made me gag when it was steamy in there

Randomly smelling very odd specific shit like cherries or a very unique candle that was definitely in a different room and not lit

-6th nerve palsy

Literally my brain was under so much pressure it squished my eye enough to keep it from moving properly with the other one?? No idea how that happens still but it was fucking brutal. I couldn't switch between short range vision and mid/long range vision without intense vertigo and seeing double. None of the meds touched it at all. It was super annoying.

-speaking of vertigo

Shake my head? Vertigo. Cough or sneeze? Vertigo and blinding pain behind my eyes. Bend down? Vertigo and reflux. Try to stand up? Lol sit back down bitch you dizzy af

-aphasia

This was the fucking worst. I'd feel like I had a complete picture of what I wanted to communicate in my head and start talking and it was like I was trying to speak a language I'd half assedly done some duolingo lessons in. So intensely frustrating, especially with having to talk to so many doctors and insurance people and they'd talk over me or try to guess what I meant and finish my sentences incorrectly and completely derail me. It made me so upset constantly.

-brain fog and fatigue

Yeah I feel like we all know what that means. It sucked!!! I'm still only a month out from surgery and this is my worst remaining symptom combo I think

-weird heart stuff

Too bright? Heart palpitations. Too anxious? Heart palpitations. Too hot? Heart palpitations. Haven't had enough electrolytes? Heart palpitations. Very uncomfortable. Still happening to some degree but much improved.

-pins and needles

Face, lips, feet, hands, sometimes randomly my stomach??? Excruciating honestly. So uncomfortable. Thankfully much less severe and limited mostly to my feet now that I'm weaning off meds

-headaches and migraines

Nothing fucking helped them either. Not acetaminophen not ibuprofen not opioids not migraine rescue meds. Weed helped sometimes but not always. So brutal. 0/10

-probably other stuff

I'm tired and want to look at more dumb memes

[macharaara]

I said I was gonna use Tumblr like a diary so here we go

All I have left to wait around for is an MRI of mah brain. Hopefully that's chill and I'm all good haha But it won't be for a while.. actually it's not eve scheduled. Waiting to hear back which could take months apparently, gotta love that.

On the plus I have the future to look forward to.

Realized some things about myself that I wouldn't have understood if it hadn't been for an entire year of a panic disorder amongst other things (OCD diagnosis, ARFID, Migrain issues) landing me in the ER left and right... man hospital bills.

But I plan to go into Zoology/Wildlife Conservation at a college close to my boyfriend then plan to get a place. I'm pretty over art being my career, it's not me turns out. Funny how that works since it's been my entire life. Ive always loved animals and helping with issues/learning about the environment and habits of species. For some reason I just stuck to art because thats all I knew, it was the only source of validation I had ever. My personality was never enough, I wasnt good at math or science, I hardly had any friends, and the ones I did have smothered me in their own toxic behavior that I found myself simply justifying or dealing with it because I didn't know any better. But speaking of, I have good people in my life that don't make me feel like a burden, less than, or ungrateful anymore.. I'm happy and hopeful for once. Ive got people who understand and are patient with my closed off anxious habits. Theres no judgment or pressure, just a lot of love.

Random side note, I also picked up crochet? It's super fun, I've made so many things lol

Let's see.... trying to catch up on One Piece, that's been a ride. Still keeping up with M!IK and Spy x Family.

I haven't streamed much since my vision episodes have gotten worse but I'm hopeful one day I can return to that. Until then it's watching stuff on my phone, snuggling my cat Clover (who I've definitely forgotten to mention here), and annoying my boyfriend because, duh.

Anyway, no idea when I'll post a little diary/journal entry next, and I know nobody cares, it's more so for me to just release my feelings somewhere.

But if anyone did read this for some reason thanks for getting this far.

I'm happy to be getting my old self back and looking forward to every day.

Here's to tomorrow then!

~Van

[timeoverload]

I have spent a lot of my weekend sleeping but I keep having horribly vivid nightmares. I woke up at 5 because I had another one.

I've had to cut down on smoking a lot (against my will) since the person that was helping me with that is strung out on coke now or something and I don't feel safe going over there anymore. They have changed a lot and I can't trust someone in that state, especially when they have weapons laying around. I don't want to be around that stuff and I'm not going to put myself in a potentially dangerous position just for that. I'm not sure what I'm going to do now but I will probably have to stop entirely since I don't really talk to anyone anymore. I'm pissed that I can't just go to the store and get it myself and I wish it was legal here. It's so much better than drinking all the time and I haven't really wanted to do that either. I don't handle hangovers very well anymore. It's probably good for me to take a bit of a break but I hate it and I'm grumpy. I think that has contributed to me having more nightmares and definitely isn't helping with my pain, appetite, or my mood. I thought I would be more motivated without it too but now it's worse.

I decided to get up and force myself to go to the grocery store this morning since I couldn't fall back asleep. I bought way more stuff than I normally do so hopefully I can get myself to eat more. I like going to the store really early when there aren't very many people there so I don't get overstimulated and feel like I need to rush out of there. I don't feel like I did that much but I'm worn out again. I also feel like I have a migraine coming on. I need to force myself to get more stuff done today and tomorrow. It feels like any time I make any progress, I have to start over again. I'm tired of it being that way.

I greatly appreciate my family letting me live here for free because I would probably be homeless otherwise but I really wish I had a little more room. I really like my bedroom but with all of the stuff in here it feels small and overwhelming. I really miss having my own bathroom and my washer and dryer. It is nice not having to pay rent since I was spending almost $1000 a month on that since I usually ended up having to cover most of it. I like being able to save some money and also buy myself the things I always wanted when I wasn't allowed to spend money on myself without getting in trouble. I've made quite a bit of progress with paying off my debt too.

I guess I've still been feeling a little bitter though because the person who ruined my life has gotten to live comfortably in a brand new place since I left and I have had to struggle to do everything. I'm still angry with his family for treating me like I'm a bad person and spoiling him when they witnessed how he treated me and they were fine with it but I don't think they ever liked me or understood me anyway. They could tell I was traumatized and I wanted to tell them that he hurt me but I couldn't trust them. I also couldn't sleep at night without worrying that he would do something to me while I was unconscious. He was a creep and lacked self-control. He didn't get my permission. He didn't have respect for my bodily autonomy. I remember him insulting my appearance and then later trying to say he was just joking. Apparently no one ever taught him that it's not ok to hit a woman either until I came along. I remember him responding to my panic attacks by trying to wrestle me and pin me down and I had bruises on my arms from trying to get away from him. Sadly that's not the worst thing he did to me. There is a lot of mental illness and violence in his family too. It got to the point where I had to start fighting back and I'm not that kind of person. I didn't like how he and his dad started buying lots of guns and it made me uncomfortable to know there was one in the closet when we lived in the apartment. I don't miss getting screamed at on a regular basis either and getting in trouble for doing anything. Mental illness isn't an excuse in my opinion and he refused to get on medication until after I broke up with him and tried to use that as leverage to get back together but obviously I said no. He also wrote me a 40 page love letter and forced me to sit on the couch while he read it to me after we broke up even after I begged him to stop and was crying. He also went and got tattoos on his arms that matched the color and theme of the ones I have after we broke up because he wanted to match and I thought that was weird. He was just being obsessive and wouldn't leave me alone for a while even when I would ignore him. His mom always hated me too because I "took her son away from her" when he was the one who pursued me initially and wouldn't back off until I decided to date him. It still grosses me out that his dad also tried to sexually harass me on multiple occasions when he was trashed and I was still expected to be around him despite my complaints. I want to warn his current girlfriend about him because I don't want to see anyone else get hurt but it isn't my place to do so. I'm happy he moved on. I don't miss him and I don't care that he's with someone else but I just hope he treats her better than he treated me. I know I wasn't the perfect girlfriend but I spoiled him and did everything he asked me to do and it still wasn't enough. I let him manipulate and control me for so long and I had to relearn how to make decisions for myself. I'm so happy I never have to see those people again. I would never go back. I can't say they never did anything for me but they definitely didn't treat me with respect a lot of the time. I'm really surprised that our last conversation was amicable considering what a nightmare it was trying to get out of there. Lately I have been thinking about all of the bad things that happened to me during the time I spent with him and I know I made the right decision to leave. I don't think he ever truly loved me because that's not how you treat someone you love. I'm so thankful we never had any children together despite him pressuring me to do so. I couldn't imagine trying to raise a child in that environment. It wasn't healthy at all. I spent so long questioning my reality and wondering if I was as evil as he said I was. Unfortunately those memories have been resurfacing in my nightmares and I feel like I need to talk about it because it has been bothering me. I definitely have PTSD from that situation. I'm glad that I feel safe here with my family because I never want to experience that again.

I know I will always have a home here. I know my dad has tried really hard to be patient with me and make me happy and I'm not sure where I would be without him right now. He stepped up and took care of us when my mom couldn't do it anymore while trying to work full time and take care of the house. I know that being a single parent isn't easy. He has a lot of responsibilities and things to worry about and I don't want him to be super stressed out all the time. He doesn't show it but I know he is. I'm thankful that he has helped me take care of the cats too because it has been difficult for me to do anything. I wish I could do more for him and help him more and maybe I will be in a place soon where I am able to do that because he deserves it. He hasn't had an easy life and has worked really hard and I think he needs to take a vacation soon. I definitely feel like I owe him a lot for helping me get my life back.

I just can't wait to get out of this slump because I don't think I have ever been this bad. I know I'm capable and I'm not giving up on myself. I think I am also getting stir crazy because I have been cooped up in here for a long time now. The weather has been really nice lately and I want to go outside more because my vitamin D is extremely low but I don't really like going for walks by myself because of past experiences. I really hope I can get out and do something fun this summer because I really need it. I'm going to enjoy the rest of my day and try to stop thinking about bad stuff so much.

[excitingrbl]

pushing through.

(from the archive of Timeless Ramblings aka my old ass drafts. I visited them with the full intent of deleting but SURPRISE, couldn’t)

some people LOVE telling other people what they should be grateful for. it's an arrogant level of annoyance I haven't quite learned to tune out. it bothers me because it's just another way of us telling people how they should feel.

if your body is what you'd consider normal, you'll see the entire world differently. have you ever sat down with anyone who lives with chronic pain? a lot of times, that pain comes from chronic illnesses. now imagine being sick and in pain every minute of your existence...even when you're trying to sleep. imagine that there are no painkilling remedies strong enough to take the pain away unless you want to be rendered unable to operate any moving machinery or have a clear thinking mind all day. imagine having to opt out because you need to make a living for yourself and/or family.

also imagine that when the pain becomes nauseating, you take 4 Advil...not to make it go away but to dull it from a 20 to a 15, on a scale of 1-10. again, imagine this is how you live everyday...not for just a couple of days (which is still painful). imagine this for months and years of your life.

now imagine someone coming along to tell you to be grateful you're alive. to not complain because it could be worse. these people have no fucking idea what's worse than living with pain everyday because THEY HAVE NEVER LIVED LIKE THIS. they assume death is worse because (in their mind), living can't be THAT bad, right?

sometimes being able-bodied can make us insensitive. we assume it isn't "that bad" and that people just need to look on the bright side. that's an easy stance to take when you don't live anything even remotely close to the lives of those you're speaking to.

I'm always in pain and I have been since I was a little kid. I'm not even talking about the emotional pain because I've suppressed and blacked out a lot of that over the years. I can only deal with one set of intense pains at a time and the physical always wins. I've had ulcers, nerve damage (my pain is delayed), pain in my bones (it feels like when foil touches those silver fillings in your mouth BUT IN DIFFERENT PARTS OF YOUR BODY) and migraines since I was a kid.

I push through.

I've been in car accidents, have several repetitive stress injuries, scoliosis, sciatica, carpal tunnel in both arms and wrists...and those dastardly migraines again.

I push through.

I have diabetes, cysts in my breasts that feel like having mastitis EVERYDAY, and degenerative disc disease (there’s no cure AND can eventually paralyze me). walking, sitting, standing, laying down, just existing IS PAINFUL. yet…

I push through.

as a result of alllllllllllllll the above, I also have two lifelong best friends that go by the names Dan Depression and Agatha Anxiety. they never leave my side. they’re around when I’m up and DEFINITELY when I’m down. they’re nothing if not consistently present and have been since I was a child. <sarcasm> thanks for having my back </sarcasm>.

I am also the mother of an amazing person who deserves far more than I give her but hey, I’m doing the best I can with what I got to keep… pushing through.