#I just woke up and felt so energized and refreshed that I feel like I’ve snorted three lines of coke

[aphroditesforest]

10 Things I tried (that worked) to improve my life

I know that when it comes to anyone improving their life, the first question is: what could I possibly do that would make a difference?

The answer is simple. Literally, anything.

More often than not, we get discouraged to do something before we even get started, the reasons for that are abundant, and not necessarily rational.

I had reached a time in my life where I was in a dark place, which seemed to devour me, and I didn’t know how to come out of it. Job was stressful, bills and expenses threatened to become overwhelming, and interpersonal relationships were either too tense or so loose that I wondered if they even still qualified as relationships.

I woke up one morning, feeling strangely refreshed after about 10 hours of sleep (a miracle at that point), and searched on the internet how to improve my life. I found a lot more articles there on how to improve one’s life than I thought I would. Goes to show, there are more people like me, lost and unhappy who just want to get better.

All of the articles I had found promised a better life, but the skeptic in me refused to blindly have faith. I’m a “seeing is believing” type, so I wanted to see for myself.

After many trials and errors, I found a balance for myself. There is no such thing as a recipe that can be applied to everyone, because simply put, each one of us is unique in their own way.

I took it one step at a time, and ultimately came up with this list that worked for myself.

1.      Getting enough sleep – I used to stay up very late until you could actually call it early again. One night I’ve decided to break out of my unhealthy routine, and went to bed “early”. I managed to sleep for 7 hours, and while I still wasn’t completely refreshed after the first night, repeating this one thing over a week, I started seeing improvements. I yawned less (which was good since my boss gave me the evil eye each time I did that), I felt energized, and had a more cheerful attitude.

2.      Laughing – people tell me that I’m funny all the time. Funny enough, I don’t always aim to be funny. And while I made others laugh, I never really laughed myself. People seemed happy or at least more relaxed when they laughed. So, I tried it. I picked out a really good rated comedy, and watched it by myself, laughing the whole time. I realized, laughing is good for the soul, and there was no need to hold back. It made me feel lighter.

3.      Spending time with friends and family – that was a tough one. We all have that one friend or relative that is just annoying, and never stops talking about themselves. Well, I suggest you avoid those, at least for a while. The first person I really talked to was my grandmother. It wasn’t anything in particular I wanted to say to her or learn from her, just talk, and while doing so I learnt something about her I didn’t know before. Sometimes, allowing yourself to spend time with others teaches you things about them, but it often teaches you about yourself as well.

4.      Expressing gratitude – sounds easy. And it is. I have coached myself to be friendlier, and thank people. As soon as I started, I already saw a change not only in myself, but the people around me. I started wishing people a very good day at the end of a call or smiled more often. Some looked at me as if I was nuts, but the majority welcomed the friendliness, and offered it back. The same happened when I thanked people, even for the smallest of things, and you know what? One lady at the grocery store, overworked, and stressed out, told me that she really needed a genuine thank you that day.

5.      Meditation – you don’t have to be an expert in meditation techniques – I myself checked out a Youtube tutorial, ‘cause yeah, you can find them there. The point of it is to relax and try to disconnect yourself from everything that burdens you, let it go, and become one with the world surrounding you. I wasn’t sure what to expect, and I’m sure others do it way better, but at least once a week I reserve some alone time with myself, doing nothing, just flushing out negativity, and try to find my inner peace. Confession: I’m still a work in progress, but I am told, that’s a good thing!

6.      Being optimistic – I used to call myself a pragmatist, but I had to wonder where pragmatism ends, and pessimism begins. Turns out, it’s a fine line, that not all of us know how to walk. There’s one thing to be pragmatic, and another to avoid living because there’s a chance of failure. I used to avoid new things and came up with excuses, that in retrospect made no sense. After I decided to look at my life and future in a more optimistic way, I decided to say yes instead of no. Being optimistic isn’t a bad thing, it means being hopeful. Why shouldn’t we be hopeful? We don’t know what the future holds. Yes, it is scary, and things might not be going our way, but if we think that only failure might await us, we doom ourselves, and thus fueling our already bleak view of our own lives.

7.      Challenging myself – this part goes hand in hand with being optimistic. In order to challenge yourself, you have to have faith in yourself, and believe that you will succeed. A mindset that constantly thinks of worse case scenarios will ultimately attract failure. Challenging oneself isn’t just about success, in fact, I would argue that it’s about pushing your own limits and boundaries, and learning what you are actually capable of in a scenario you’ve never encountered before. Win or lose, the experience itself will help shape you, and prepare you for more challenges.

8.      Touching someone – now that sounds creepy. Doesn’t have to be. It is simply about contact with other people. Holding someone’s hand, shaking a hand, giving a hug or a kiss (romantic or otherwise), touching someone makes our interactions more real. They give us a sense of belonging, of home, of camaraderie and improve our health in more ways than we may think. Humans are social animals, and we need to be close to others.

9.      Nature – when I was a child, we used to take day trips into the forest, learn about plants and animals, and just enjoyed a good hike. As I got older, these trips became fewer and farther in between, until they stopped altogether. Not everyone has the privilege to live near a forest or have access to a large area that isn’t surrounded by concrete. But a stroll through a park can be just as helpful. Nature is all around us. However, nothing compares to the peacefulness of a flowery meadow. If you have the chance, go outside, take a hike, breathe in the world.

10.   Exercise – last, and not my personal favorite. I’m not a big fan of working out, but exercising doesn’t mean you have to go to a gym where you might feel inadequate. Exercising can be done at home, privately. Even some light exercises can get your blood pumping, and in time you will feel better. There are many reasons why we should exercise, health reasons being primarily, but I have found that after a good workout, I feel refreshingly relaxed, which might sound odd. Exercising helps getting rid of negative energy coursing through your body, and allows you to really focus on what is important to you, instead of the things that drain you and make you unhappy.

[softly-savage-mint-yoongi]

Allotrope Christmas Special

Genre: Idolverse Pairing: Kim Junmyeon (Suho) x reader Words: 2.7k Warnings: Fluff. Smut. Happy endings. Authors Note: Merry Christmas! I wanted to share this gift with everyone for the holidays. I am such a sucker for my own story and the characters and I felt like it would be really rewarding to get to see into their future in one way or another, and so this was born. I always knew in my head how their life together would progress and what it might be like- it’s been exciting to be able to write this and now, to share it!

You smile before your eyes even open, drifting to consciousness with delighted glee buzzing along your skin. When you finally open them, your smile broadens. It’s still dark, barely five hours have passed since you fell asleep to the soft glow of white Christmas lights hanging around the bedroom. There’s excitement humming in your bones, a feeling you try to quell while your lover sleeps beside you, but the feeling erupts from your throat and manifests as a grin too wide for your lips and a wiggle in your shoulders. You’re in your happy place. It’s- you check your phone- five nineteen in the morning on your favorite holiday with your favorite person still sound asleep beside you. Except that he isn’t, you realize, when a tiny mumble slips past his pouted lips. Turning to him as you coax yourself to relax back into the linens, your smile remains. Your fingers rise to his hand, tucked in front of his chest where it landed after it slipped from your waist when you woke. His skin is silky smooth, chocolate hair just as silky fluffed about with the natural wave it carries. His lashes are long, catching the faintest glow of the warm amber light hanging from the headboard. With pink lips, his pucker continues to twitch in his dreams. Every nuance of his brings a smile to your lips and love to your heart, as dumb and corny as that sounds. Every simple thing, like the way he always flexes his toes before he lets his feet hit the floor in the morning, or the way he always stirs drinks counterclockwise three times before tapping the straw or spoon against the rim twice. At how he seems particularly happy during the early afternoons, in his own words his favorite time of day because he isn’t hungry and work is almost over so he is more productive. Things you’ve spent nearly three years getting to know, the last year of which has been spent living together in what used to be just your apartment. He moved in just after the new year, almost a year after you said your first ‘I love you’s. A laugh bubbles from your throat, remembering the first time you saw him doing his skincare routine. Hilarious and meticulous as it may be, it has grown into a beneficial routine of pampering for both of you. You recall how his skin felt under your palms just a few hours ago. The way you worshipped one another under the same glowing lights in your shared bed, naked as the angels themselves and singing praises to the heavens just the same. As if being called to life at the memory, desire for him stirs in your gut. You wonder if he is too tired or if he might be so inclined to give you a gift this early on Christmas. Unable to help yourself, your fingertips graze the side of his face, physically admiring his angelic beauty with a quiet, breathy chuckle. “Mm… ‘S funny?” he mumbles, the center of his brow twitching a fraction. His fist clenched the duvet, followed by a deeper scowl on his brow as he noticed it was not where he left it. With his eyes still closed, he splayed his fingers and reached out toward you, humming with content when he felt the warmth of your skin. Your smile grows wide again, excitement unsetting and freed once more by the simple interaction. “I am just so very much enamored with you, Kim Junmyeon. That’s all.” His brows fluctuate their shape into one of surprise, and he peeks one eye open at you, unable to stop the smile that forms. “Well good morning to you too, sweetheart.” He says with an air of smug happiness. Free to express your love for him, your fingers now find themselves pressed to his hairline briefly before you drag his bangs out of his face, giving his scalp a good scratch along the way. Junmyeon sighs with delight. He rises on one shoulder, side-eyeing the lights still glowing around the room as he stoops his head to yours and plants a soft kiss directly to your lips. Then another when your head lifts from your pillow to chase his lips, and a third when your arm snakes around his neck. His eyes find yours, wide awake. He searches briefly in silence for an answer to the question he doesn’t ask. When he finds it, he smiles, rolling himself over you completely. You hunger for his lips, more and more until the space between your bodies is nonexistent and you part only to breathe. “Merry Christmas,” you whisper against his lips as your fingers climb his shoulders. He is adjusting the linens swirled around his hips when a thought hits him. Junmyeon’s body stills momentarily, lagging in motion as he thinks. Suddenly, he reaches his arm across his side of the bed, struggling to grapple with the knob of his bedside table without rolling you on top of him, a thought you consider while you wait. His head turns back over his shoulder and he levels you with a heavy stare, locked in his uncomfortable position. It feels like the moment drags on for a long time, but you feel no signs of something wrong from him. You know him well enough to notice when he is working up his nerve. He leans back over to you with one hand strategically behind his back, “Close your eyes.” You obey his command immediately, curious at his shenanigans. “Why do I have to close my eyes for a Christmas present?” “Because I love you,” he starts, and his voice sounds shaken. Puzzled, you wait for instructions. They come in the form of a deep breath from him before you feel his fingers on your cheek. “Because I want to surprise you, and most of all, because I cannot fathom spending the rest of my life without you.” You’re certain the way your eyes pop open is not at all graceful or beautiful, but he is smiling at you for all he is worth anyway. In his free hand, is a small blue velvet box, and nestled inside of it is a shining diamond ring. After many attempts to catch your breath and form words, all you can manage is a feeble “What are you saying?” In slow motion you notice how the apples of his cheeks are tinged a rosy color that spreads to his ears and his neck, much the way he blushed the very first night you met. “I am asking, or begging or pleading for you to say yes.” You are still stunned and unable to respond for a second longer than his nerves can bear, so he babbles a little, “Please, please be my wife. Let me make you as happy as you make me and let me keep loving you.” He winces at how hard your palms come to grasp both of his cheeks in your palms. Perhaps you’re a bit nervous as well, too energized to control your movements with as much precision as usual. Rather than words, your body lifts to crash your lips to his as your arms curl around his shoulders. He kisses you back with fervor, clutching your naked back in his hand to keep you grounded against him. He kisses you harder, faster, with as much passion as he can muster with his whole body shaking just slightly. Your fingers smooth down his arms, to his hand clutching the soft blue box, holding onto it tightly. When you part from him, eyes absorbing every minute detail of the moment, his eyes are large and round and soft. Fragile with emotion and the glittering of tears he refuses to let fall or acknowledge at all because he knows how cliché it would be. It takes a moment for him to realize what you’re waiting for, until you ask. “What are you waiting for?” Junmyeon blinks at you and smiles, fumbling, “Oh, is that a ‘yes’?” His reaction and bashful smile are infectious, pulling a genuine laugh from your chest loud enough to wake your neighbors, “Oh my goodness,” you grab his cheeks again, “Yes, you goof!” Your lips smear against his in an effort to defend yourself from your own tears, and you both laugh. The sound is breathy and refreshing, smiling like idiots too in love to stop kissing long enough for him to slip the ring onto your left ring finger. The first thing you do once it’s on, is lay your palm flat against his chest, over the space where his heart beats strong and steady. Where it beats honestly, reassuring in the comfort of every pulse that gives him life. Your eyes catch his briefly, lit up like Christmas lights as he watches you admire the diamond there. “Well,” he whispers, unsure whether to continue, “how does it look?” You grin in return before schooling your expression into one of mock concern, “I’ve got bad news,” you sigh dramatically, “I’m afraid it looks like you’re going to be stuck with me for the rest of your life.” Junmyeon snorts in jest loudly in the intimate space of the bedroom, tossing his head back with mirth. When he returns to you, he shakes his hair from his eyes, and his lips pucker in an attempt to keep himself from smiling so hard he can’t see. “I’m glad you like it,” he declares, relief flooding his shoulders. Then he bends to steal a kiss from your lips, pulling away with only enough space to form words. “Merry Christmas, sweetheart.” He comments quietly, looking at you until it becomes too much to bear and his lips need to descend upon yours once more. It doesn’t take long to rekindle the fire from minutes ago, sparked brighter with the new affirmation of your love with the engagement. In the three years you’ve been doing this, with practiced ease you fall deeper in love with him every day. Junmyeon leans over you, slowly forcing your back into the soft linens and using one hand on your knee to spread your legs wider for him. “Time for another present,” he winks with a gentle laugh as he sinks to his abdomen on the bed. Your lover pulls your hand to him, letting his thumb catch against the ring he just gave you with a smile before he tugs your fingers to his head. He sighs in pleasure with the first tug on his hair not a minute later, tongue, nose and chin wet with your arousal and his saliva. Not that you need it, but two fingers stoke the flame of desire in your core as your hips struggle to stay on the mattress. Junmyeon swears every sound you make is more holy than any hymns the angels could sing today, every touch of your skin a greater gift than the birth of God himself, not that either of you are practiced believers. Just before you’re sent toppling over the edge, he removes his tongue and his fingers- stifling your whine of despair with his lips and the ache in your core with an easy slide of his cock that has you gasping into his mouth. You can’t count how many times you’ve done this with him. Can’t even count the times you’ve had him like this in your shared bed, let alone every other place. Even so, something is different about this time. Magical, you are sure with or without the engagement ring glittering from your finger. Perhaps it’s the pure joy of Christmas morning, coupled with your affection and utter devotion to one another that sends you toppling over cloud nine in less than a minute. The fullness of your heart, fit to burst so it spills tears down your cheeks when it overflows. Junmyeon wipes every one of them away, kissing your lips, your cheeks, your forehead and the tip of your nose as he chases you slowly into blissful oblivion. His release is quiet and gentle, buried completely with his free hand touching your cheek so delicately. As if he is holding your soul, as he sometimes does when he is so tangled in feelings he knows words can’t express. Your own hand rises to rest over his, stroking the knuckles and watching his head lift from your neck. Although dark naturally, his eyes hold a sparkling that lights him up like every Christmas tree in the city. Every bulb on every string of them around your apartment is no match for the beauty he holds. He takes a moment to admire the way your ring catches the lights behind your head, humming his appreciation. “I love you,” he confesses, turning his hand from your cheek to catch your fingers, “I am honored and, admittedly, a little amazed, that you’re mine.” A smile forms on your lips, “I think the honor is all mine.” _____________________________________ Days later, your fiancée sits beside you at the large round dinner table. The setting is beautiful. High class with tablecloths as white as the snow on the ground outside, accented with black linens and seasonal flora in golden vases around the grand ballroom. Expensive and classy are the words that best describe the scene in your mind. They pale in comparison to the man beside you. The one with golden skin and dark hair swept to the side stylishly atop his head. He’s wearing a tuxedo with his own expensive watch and cufflinks to give the image his own style. His brothers talk loudly with him, seated at the table for ten. Some of the chairs are empty, scooted from the table or not quite pushed in all of the way at odd angles. Empty, but no less warm or inviting knowing they belong to people who will return to them when food reaches the table. Junmyeon keeps your left hand with him beneath the table. He holds it gently, absentmindedly spinning your engagement ring around your finger while he talks. After dinner, you dance, reflecting on your years with him. With the other familiar and friendly faces of his company, and the sense of pride that you’ve grown so much in the time you’ve spent with him. The first time you came to an event with him, the fear of gazes that pass over you now seemed so silly. You greet them all with a smile, pressed close to the love of your life, feeling comfort and ease with the joy you see in each of the people that notice the ring on your finger. Most that you recognize already knew before this party, but the reassurance that each one resonates such approval and happiness on your behalf makes you giddy with excitement all over again. You dance late into the night with several of his brothers, each stealing you away with the promise to do it all over again at your wedding, quipping Junmyeon’s protests with the truth that he will get to dance with you forever so it is important that they steal you away for a dance at the few meaningful evenings. Neither of you says a word of protest when his youngest brother reaches for your hand last, although it doesn’t stop any of you from grinning and laughing when you take his hand and he leads you back to the dance floor. Just as the your dance with Sehun begins to come to a close, the lights dim and a shower of white lights litter the space above the ballroom. A countdown begins on a screen high on the far wall and people- yourself included- rush to their loved ones for the grand finale. The kiss to end one year and ring in a new one. You don’t remember the countdown ending, because Junmyeon finds you and catches your waist at seven seconds, and his lips find yours at six and they don’t stop until after the gold confetti that rained down at midnight has stopped. And just like that, you enter your fourth year with the love of your life, ready to count for many, many more.

[hotpinkhoshi]

the pact (6)

pairing: jinyoung x reader

genre: romance, smut, a lil angst

warnings: a lot of fluff. i cried, you might cry. cursing as always, some mentions of cheesy romantic films?!?

word count: 6.2k

summary: you desperately need to get over your decade-long crush on lim jaebeom, and your close friend jinyoung needs to get over his ex—so the two of you make an arrangement: just sex, no feelings. what could go wrong?

a/n: oh wow, so this is the last part, huh? it has been quite a journey. i’m going to gush a little right now, because this has been such an incredible experience to post this story for you guys. i’ve interacted with so many amazing people, both readers and fellow writers, and i absolutely have this story to thank for that. i’ve grown so attached to these characters, i know that this won’t be the last time i write about them. not even close. so don’t worry, it’s not goodbye. 

as for what’s next, there will be an epilogue that i’m praying i can post this week. if not this week, definitely next week. after that, i’m planning on focusing on some drabbles that i have sitting in my inbox (yeah, remember those?! i didn’t forget about them!). and i’ve got an idea i’m really excited about, it’s still in early stages but i feel similarly about it as i did when i first came up with the pact. if you notice some tags on my posts of a certain member... you might get a little hint. but that is all i’ll say on THAT. 

okay, my loves, please enjoy this last part. as always, let me know how you feel about it all! i’m proud of this, i really am. 

↳ index here

Somehow, a few minutes had turned into a few hours, and a few hours turned into staying the night. 

You knew you should’ve left—you should have fessed up and gone home, but you didn’t. You couldn’t. 

Not when you woke up to the smell of sizzling bacon and eggs, in an empty bed. You rubbed your eyes groggily as you sat up straight, letting your vision adjust to the bright light. 

You shivered, noticing you were still naked. After you pulled yourself from the warm comfort of Jinyoung’s bed, you dressed yourself in his shirt and the joggers he’d given you before padding out to see what Jinyoung was up to. 

The sight that greeted you in the kitchen was one you wanted to burn into your memory. He stood at the stove, in just a plain white tee and a pair of plaid pajama pants, stirring scrambled eggs with a spatula. 

He must’ve had a bluetooth speaker set up somewhere, because he was currently humming along to a soft, piano heavy John Legend song, one sock covered foot tapping to the beat. 

You were so distracted by the sight you ran into the kitchen island, stubbing your toe on the stool. “Ow,” you whined, reaching down to rub your foot. 

Jinyoung turned towards you, eyebrows raised. “Good morning. You okay?”

“I’m okay,” you replied, standing up straight again. “What are you making?” 

“Eggs, bacon, and some waffles.” 

It smelled incredible. You hadn’t had waffles in years, probably not since the dining hall in college. You walked over to the stove, curiously peering at the spread he’d made. 

“It smells really good,” you remarked, reaching for a piece of bacon off the serving plate. 

Jinyoung waved your hand away. “Nuh uh, go sit down. It’ll be done in a minute.” 

With a pout, you made like you were going to listen to him, but managed to swipe a tiny piece from the plate before scurrying off. Jinyoung swatted at your backside and you yelped, shoving the piece of bacon in your mouth. 

“Ah, you little-!”

You giggled as you slid into the stool at the breakfast bar, crossing your legs and watching him innocently. “I was taste testing.” 

Jinyoung shot you his trademark displeased side-eye before turning back to tend to the breakfast. “How’d you sleep?” 

“Good. You?” 

You’d slept better than good. Jinyoung was like a living, breathing furnace and he’d spooned you all night, keeping your body nice and warm. You felt completely refreshed, having not even woken up once during the night. 

“Good,” Jinyoung responded. “Do you have anywhere to be today, or do you wanna stick around for a bit?” 

You needed to leave, but he’d made breakfast and it would have been rude to take off before eating… but after that, you needed to go. You’d stretched this out far too long. 

“I… have some errands I need to run, so I should head out after breakfast.” 

Jinyoung simply nodded and turned the volume down on his speaker, though you could still hear the romantic crooning over the sizzling of the bacon. Just the smell was enough to awaken the hunger in your stomach, considering you’d barely eaten any of the takeout Jinyoung had ordered last night. You’d been overcome by a different kind of hunger. 

Both of you had been insatiable. After you rested for an hour, it was like you were re-energized, exploring each other’s bodies like the first time until you were too sore and tired to move. You were grateful for the peaceful sleep that had followed. 

Even now, just sitting on the stool, you could feel the ache in your thighs and soreness in your arms from one particularly creative position Jinyoung had gotten you in. You blushed to yourself, remembering how loud he’d had you begging.

“What?” Jinyoung asked, setting a plate of steaming food in front of you. “Your cheeks are all pink.” 

“None of your business,” you teased back, snapping out of your private flashback. You squealed when Jinyoung pinched your side, laying a wet kiss on your cheek. 

“So ungrateful towards the one that just made you a full breakfast,” he said, shaking his head at you and clicking his tongue. 

His hair was messy, falling over his eyes in the front and one little piece standing up in the back. Other than that, he looked as refreshed as you felt. 

“Oh, sorry. Thank you, kind sir, for the food. I cannot ever repay you for this act of kindness.” You bowed your head and clasped your hands in front of you, stifling a giggle. 

“You know what,” Jinyoung started, giving you another pinch. “You got a lot of attitude for a girl that, just last night, was begging me to pull her hair and slap her a-“ 

You lunged to cover your hand over his mouth, your face flushing a deeper shade of red with wide eyes. “Jinyoung!” 

The mischievous smile on his lips was evident even underneath your hand, eyes practically twinkling as he stared down at you. He was right, that did happen, but in the daylight, you felt embarrassed. 

“Don’t be bashful,” he teased once you let your hand fall away, locking you in with his arms on either side of your body, pressing his hands into the counter. “It was sexy.”

The intense gaze he was giving you was enough to revive that need inside of you once more, only laying dormant for as long as you’d been asleep. You shouldn’t, it’d only make it harder, and yet…

Your hands reached for his waist and you pulled him closer, legs parting for him to stand between. “Kiss me.” 

Jinyoung was always such a good listener. He closed the distance between you, lips melting into yours as they had a million times by now. And still, you found yourself never wanting to pull away, only wanting more and more. 

It didn’t take much for the kiss to turn more heated, both of you clearly forgetting about the plates of food on the counter, more concerned with your hands wandering each other’s bodies. It was a craving that you weren’t quite ready to kick. 

Jinyoung began peppering kisses along the line of your jaw until he’d reached your neck, the skin already tender and covered in marks from last night. Neither of you worried about leaving bruises, hickies, or scratches. It was like you’d both wanted to mark your territory. 

There was already a slickness pooling between your legs, and it had taken no time at all, he had barely even touched you. It was so easy for him—it made you want to stay in all day, let him hold you and in return, worship every inch of him. 

But you couldn’t. 

Like a blast of cold water, you realized with a start that it was now or never. If you didn’t end it now, you’d continue putting off the one thing that you needed to do. This was it. 

“Jinyoung,” you whispered, voice coming out weaker than you’d intended. 

“Hm?” he murmured against your skin, the vibration sending a shiver down your spine. 

“We need to-” Your words were cut off by a gasp from his teeth nipping at your collarbone. “We need to stop.” 

“Why?” he asked, smirking against your skin. “We can always heat up the food later. I have an appetite for something else now.” 

Your teeth dug into your lower lip. You already felt the tears welling up behind your eyes and your heart painfully pounding in your chest. 

“No,” you replied. “We need to stop. This. All of this.” 

It was like it took a moment for it to register, for your words to get through. He pulled away, slowly, eyebrows furrowed. 

“Wh-” he shook his head in confusion. “Why?” 

You gulped, taking in a deep, shaky breath. “I just think it’s the right time. You’re over Yeri, right?” 

“Yes,” he answered, with no hesitation. “But-”

“Okay,” you responded, lips pressing together with a nod. “Then… mission accomplished, right?” 

Jinyoung shook his head once more with a humorless laugh. “I don’t get it. We have fun together. I thought this was working for both of us, we were getting what we wanted?” 

When he said it, it made sense. You did have fun, and you were getting all of your needs met and then some. But you couldn’t keep it up, you couldn’t let your feelings grow until they’d be impossible to ignore. 

“I just-” you whispered, searching for the right words, the ones that could get him to agree without him seeing right through you. “I don’t want to do this anymore.” 

Jinyoung stepped back until no part of his body was touching yours. You felt cold already. His tongue ran along his lip as he stared at you, searching your face for an answer you prayed he wouldn’t discover. 

“Can you at least tell me why?” 

You wanted to. You really did. There was a big part of you that wanted to tell him the truth, how you fantasized about this all being real, not just for fun. Something that could last. You wanted to wake up next to him in the morning and fall asleep in his embrace every night. But it was one-sided, which meant it could never happen. 

“I broke one of the rules,” you managed, voice cracking. 

Jinyoung’s entire body tensed in front of you, and you watched as a cold brick wall went up behind his eyes. That openness, the trust you’d built. Suddenly, you felt like it’d been severed in half. “Which rule.” 

You swallowed, wringing your hands tight enough that you could feel your nails pressing crescents into your palms. “It doesn’t matter. I think we should stop. Okay?” 

“What do you mean, it doesn’t matter? Of course it fucking matters. If you-” he stopped himself, exhaling slowly, and you noticed his fists clenching at his sides. 

“Please don’t make me say it, Jinyoung. Just trust me, I didn’t mean to. I… it all happened so fast. I should have said something earlier, before last night. I’m sorry.” 

A realization seemed to dawn on him, his eyes darkening. He took another step back. “Fine.”

Maybe he knew. Maybe he could tell by your tone that you’d fallen in love with him, and after all, it had been a dealbreaker. You both went into this specifically because there would be no feelings involved, and you’d gone and fucked it up. 

“I’m sorry,” you whispered. Your heart felt like it was cracking into a thousand pieces. 

“Don’t.” Jinyoung’s jaw looked like it was wired shut, and there was a fire in his eyes you’d never seen before. “I thought—you know, I don’t know what I thought. Fuck me for thinking we’d be on the same page here.” 

“Jinyoung, I tried. I did. I wanted this to work. But it just happened. I saw Jaebeom… and I…” You wiped at a stray tear on your cheek. You wanted to explain it to him, that you didn’t realize until you saw Jaebeom, but the words were hard to find.

At Jaebeom’s name, Jinyoung narrowed his eyes and balled his hands into fists.

“Why are you crying?” He asked harshly. “You wanted this, and we promised we’d be honest, right? So when did it happen?” There was something new in his tone, something you’d never heard from him before. Deeper than anger. Hurt. 

You sniffled. “When you were in New York.” 

Until he’d left you, you didn’t realize how deep your feelings for him ran. The distance had brought you clarity, however terrifying it had been to accept your fate. You simply couldn’t ignore the truth any longer. 

After an unbearably long silence, Jinyoung turned and walked over to the sink, leaning his palms onto the counter. “You should have told me last night. Before.” 

Your lip quivered as you brushed more tears away. Of course you should have told him sooner, you should have told him the minute you figured out that you felt more for him than friendship. But you’d been weak and scared. 

“I’m-” 

“Please, don’t apologize again. Just…” he turned back around, words coming out slow as if he was carefully choosing each one. “It’s probably a good idea for you to leave before I say something I’ll regret.” 

This was a new side of Jinyoung for you to witness. Cold, angry, and bitter. You should have known better, to keep your heart out of it, but it was too late now. You didn’t fully understand why he was so hurt, but he had every right to deal with your confession however he pleased. 

Another apology was on the tip of your tongue but you swallowed it back, simply nodding before you began gathering the few things you’d brought with you. Jinyoung watched you in silence, his eyes burning holes into the back of your head as you slipped your shoes back on. 

Luckily, you made it all the way to your car before you doubled over, finally releasing a strangled sob. Why did it feel like a thousand knives slicing at your skin, all at once? 

You loved him. God, did you love him. Even now, with your heart in pieces, you couldn’t let that feeling go. You shut yourself into the safety of the driver’s seat, grateful for your tinted windows as you cried your heart out, forehead pressed into the steering wheel. 

Maybe you’d be able to move on someday, just as you had with Jaebeom. But for now, you’d let yourself feel the emptiness. 

~~~~

You sniffled, grabbing another tissue and blowing your nose. 

“How do you look at the girl you love, and tell yourself it’s time to walk away?”

Your lips mouthed the words along with Channing Tatum, at the very same moment that Bambam snorted, chewing his popcorn noisily. 

“Come on, man, this movie is bullshit.”

“Bam. Shut the hell up,” Sana retorted, jabbing her elbow into his side from her spot on the couch. 

“Ow,” he complained, rubbing his side, but he shot you an apologetic look regardless.

It was movie night, and you’d been given the privilege of picking the film to watch, which you were sure was completely out of pity. Usually, it was put up to a vote, but for the first time ever, Sana declared that it was up to you to pick. Yugyeom and Bambam whined about it, but let it go fairly easy. 

It’d been more than a month since that morning with Jinyoung, and you hadn’t seen him since. You didn’t feel it was your place to reach out to him, knowing he probably needed time, but you’d been surprised after the first few days of silence. 

Then it hit you. You’d lost him, for good, all because you couldn’t control yourself. The one person you’d grown to trust wholeheartedly through it all, even beyond Sana. You let Jinyoung see every part of you, and you had nothing to show for it now besides a broken heart. 

You’d cried more that first week than you had in years. Your lowest point was Friday, when Sana came home to you laying on the couch, watching Bridget Jones’ Diary and eating marshmallows straight from the bag.

Things got better from that point, but you still felt as if you were walking through life on autopilot. Wake up, go to work, come home, eat dinner, sleep, repeat. You hadn’t realized how big of a part Jinyoung played in your daily life until he was gone. It all faded from technicolor to black and white. 

“I’m just saying… she wouldn’t be crying if she’d let us watch John Wick like I suggested,” Bambam offered up weakly. 

You took a deep breath, straightening your back and wiping your cheeks. “I’m fine. It’s just hormones. I have my period,” you said, knowing this would get him off your back. 

“No you don’t,” Yugyeom said. “Your period was last week.”

“How do you know that?” you asked, gaping at him. 

Yugyeom shrugged. “I figured out your menstrual cycle. For my own good. You always make me carry in the incoming orders when you have cramps.” 

Damn, maybe you needed to stop using your period as an excuse. 

You blinked at him and everyone laughed. Everyone except Jackson, at least, who continued to sulk in the corner of the other couch. He’d been keeping his distance from you, though he still came over occasionally. There was a certain icy exterior about him in your presence. His loyalty to Jinyoung trumped his loyalty with you, which was understandable. 

You focused back on the movie, desperately trying to keep your thoughts away from Jinyoung. It had been the biggest hurdle you’d faced these last weeks, and one you’d failed to cross every single time. 

You didn’t care about the sex. It had been incredible, but you would have lived without it if you could just have him back in your life. Even just as your best friend. The one you texted when you saw something funny, the one you leaned on when you were feeling sad or anxious, the one whose laugh was the single best sound you’d ever heard. 

If only you knew how he was doing. Did he hate you? Your mind had jumped to that conclusion thousands of times by now. You knew him, you knew if he’d decided he was done with you, that was it. The same as he’d done years ago when he chose to get over you. 

Jackson excused himself to the kitchen for a drink and you quickly followed, claiming you wanted to refill your popcorn. He was crouched in front of the fridge, arm extended painfully to reach the last can of cider in the back corner. 

“Jack?” you asked, fingers tapping nervously against the side of the popcorn bowl. You kept your voice down, knowing your friends in the living room would be able to hear you easily, and there was no way they weren’t attempting to eavesdrop already. 

He glanced up, acknowledging your presence, then returned his focus to the task at hand. 

“Can I ask you a question?” 

Finally, his fingers wrapped around the can and he stood up after retrieving it, turning around to face you. “I guess.” 

You’d never seen him like this. Jackson was one of the most loyal human beings you’d ever known, but you didn’t realize how awful it would feel when it worked against you. 

“How is he? Is he okay?” You swallowed, wringing your hands together. You had a million other questions, but you’d start there. 

Jackson traced the lip of his cider can with his fingertip, tongue pressing into the inside of his cheek. “He’s fine. You’re not his favorite person right now, if you want me to be honest.” 

Of course you weren’t. That message had certainly been received. 

“I know. I just-” you cut yourself off with a deep breath, leaning against the kitchen counter. “I guess I thought it would be okay after a few days, and we could go back to normal.” 

Jackson looked at you like you were crazy. “Seriously? You thought it’d go back to normal? Come on, Y/N.” 

Your stomach turned with guilt yet again. “I miss him. And I… I didn't realize what was happening until it was too late. It was an accident.” 

“What, you tripped and Jaebeom’s dick caught your fall?” he asked, eyebrows raised. There was no way your friends hadn’t heard him. You heard rustling, and it sounded like someone paused the movie. 

“Wait… what?” You asked, eyebrows furrowed. “I didn’t—he told you I slept with Jaebeom?” 

“Yeah. You told him you did. Didn’t you?” 

“No!” You shook your head, gripping your bowl so tightly it felt like it would break. “Why would he think that?” 

Jackson shrugged. “He said you slept with Jaebeom while he was in New York, that you admitted it when he came back.” 

“What the hell is going on in here?” Sana interrupted, standing in the doorway of the kitchen. “Y/N did not sleep with Jaebeom. Did that asshole say she did?” 

“No, Y/N said she did.” 

“I didn’t!” You set the popcorn bowl down before you could drop it, rubbing your temples once your hands were free. “He thinks I slept with Jaebeom? That’s why he hasn’t talked to me?” 

The world seemed to spin around you and your heart pounded deep in your chest, all of the information falling together as you remembered back to that morning. 

I broke one of the rules… I saw Jaebeom… It just happened… 

“Oh my god.” 

“What?” Jackson and Sana asked at the same time. 

“I didn’t sleep with anyone else! I’m in love with him!”

Both of your friends stared at you, jaws practically on the kitchen floor. Bambam and Yugyeom appeared in the doorway behind Sana, ears perked up like curious cats. 

“Who are you in love with?” Yugyeom asked, looking between you and Jackson, pointing to the latter. “Him?”

“Oh my god,” you repeated, pinching the bridge of your nose. “He thinks I slept with Jaebeom. What the fuck?” 

“You’re in love with him?!” Jackson asked, eyes nearly bugging out of his head. “But he—Y/N, you need to tell him. Right now.” 

“Tell who?” Bambam asked. 

“Jinyoung!” You and Jackson answered in unison. 

“You’re in love with Jinyoung?” Yugyeom asked, but you were already pushing past him to get to the living room. 

You needed to talk to him, explain it all. The thought of sleeping with someone else… it made you physically sick. Jinyoung was the only one you’d wanted for a long time. Longer than you even realized. 

“Hold on a second,” Sana called, stopping you. You turned back around to face your friends. “I thought you said he didn’t feel the same way?” 

“I didn’t think he did. Does he?” You asked, directing your question to Jackson. 

He chewed his lip. “It’s not really my place to say…” 

“Jackson.” You took a deep breath. “If I go over there and pour my heart out, am I going to make a complete fool out of myself?” 

Jackson took a moment to mull it over, then shook his head. “No. I think you should go over there, right now.” 

------

You didn’t even change out of your comfy clothes before heading over to Jinyoung’s. It didn’t matter how you looked right now, you just knew you needed to get to him. Your heart was racing at a million miles a minute, hoping and praying that you weren’t too late. 

What if you were? What if he was out on a date now, or had someone over? If that was the case, you didn’t think you could come back from that. Just the thought was enough to break you, but you had to try. 

Pure adrenaline propelled you to his apartment door, but once you were there you froze. What were you going to say? Should you just come right out with it? 

I know you hate me, but there’s been a misunderstanding—I’m actually in love with you. 

You found yourself whispering the words to yourself over and over as you stared at his door. It was easy to say out loud now, but you knew it would be more of a challenge to say it to his face. 

“I’m in love with you. That’s all you have to say. Come on, it’s not that hard. God, stop being such a wimp,” you told yourself, running your fingers through your hair until you felt like it was going to start falling out.

“Sorry to interrupt, but-”

You nearly jumped out of your skin at the deep voice next to you, spinning around to come face to face with Jinyoung. He was in his usual dark grey suit and black tie, grasping his briefcase in one hand. 

“Jesus,” you gasped, hand clutching your chest. “You scared the shit out of me.” 

His expression gave nothing away. For all you knew, he still hated you. Although it was a relief that he had been at work, not out sticking his tongue down some other girl’s throat. 

“Sorry. Uh,” Jinyoung reached up to rub the back of his neck. “Do you mind? I need to get in there,” he said, nodding towards the door. 

You apologized and moved out of his way, watching as he pulled out his key and unlocked the door. You didn’t realize you were holding your breath until Jinyoung kept the door open for you to follow him inside. 

That was a good sign, right?

After letting the door shut behind you, you didn’t know where to go, so you just stood close to the door and shoved your hands in the pocket of your hoodie, if only because you had no idea what else to do with them. 

“How long were you standing there?” you asked, silently praying he hadn’t already heard you confessing to the door. 

“Not long,” Jinyoung replied, setting his briefcase down at the kitchen island and shedding his suit jacket. 

Typical. He didn’t give anything away, and he still hadn’t even made eye contact with you. He definitely hated you. 

“I need to tell you something,” you said, finally. You couldn’t remember the last time you’d been this nervous. 

Jinyoung turned to face you, hands resting in his pockets. You hadn’t seen him in over a month, and the sight of him in his dress shirt and tie… was overwhelming, to say the least. You gulped, averting your eyes to the floor. 

“Okay…” 

“I didn’t sleep with Jaebeom. I didn’t sleep with anyone else,” you started. First and foremost, you needed him to know that. It killed you knowing he’d spent the whole month thinking you’d given your body to somebody else when you couldn’t even stand the thought. “That wasn’t the rule that I broke.” 

It took you a moment to be able to look up at Jinyoung. He was biting the skin of his lip, almost like he was nervous too. He took a single step forward, though it still felt like there was an ocean between the two of you. 

“Okay. Which rule did you break, then?” 

One deep breath in, one long breath out. You could do this. But you needed to feel him, to ground yourself to earth before you risked it all. 

You took a few hesitant steps towards him, one foot in front of the other until you were close enough to smell his cologne. 

“I didn’t mean to. And if you don’t feel the same way, it’s totally okay, I just… can’t lose you. This last month has been hell without you. So, the truth is...” 

You reached out, wrapping your fingers around Jinyoung’s wrist until he slipped his hand out of his pocket. Finally, his fingers intertwined with yours and you felt it. Safety. Security. Home. 

“I’m in love with you,” you finally confessed. 

“I know,” he responded. 

“What?” you asked, stuttering. “H-how did you know?”

“I heard you telling my door,” he answered, one side of his mouth lifting in a smirk. 

You sighed, ducking your head in embarrassment. “Oh god.” 

Jinyoung tugged your hand and pulled you closer. “It was kind of adorable. But I wanted to hear you say it, you know, to me.” 

Tilting your head up, you looked him in the eyes and shrugged. “Well, it’s true. Do you…?” you trailed off, your heart pounding in your ears. 

“Hmm,” Jinyoung hummed, lifting his free hand to rest against your cheek. “Do I what?”

Your head tipped forward to rest against him and you whined, “Come on. You know what I’m trying to say.” 

Jinyoung chuckled, the sound rumbling deep in his chest against your forehead. “Okay, okay. Let me see your face.” 

With a sigh, you pulled back to look up at him. He was staring down at you, complete adoration in those brown eyes. You swallowed, fingers squeezing his hand to anchor yourself. 

“I’ve been in love with you for a long time, angel. I tried to deny it, but I couldn’t do it.” He spoke softly, and even though he didn’t say much, you felt every ounce of his feelings for you spill out at once. “You’re it for me.” 

You blinked and a tear fell. For the first time, you didn’t try to hide it or wipe it away. “I’m sorry that I took so long to catch up.” 

It was odd to think that all of these years, you’d been chasing after Jaebeom when Jinyoung had been right under your nose. This person that understood you on the deepest level possible, and could make you smile more than anyone you’d ever met. He was everything you lacked, and vice versa. You couldn’t believe it had taken this long for you to see it. 

“There’s no rush. You’ve been in my life all this time, and that was enough for me.” Jinyoung caught one of your tears under his thumb, swiping it away. “I thought I’d gotten over it. I threw myself into work, into Yeri, but she saw right through me. Then you suggested this… arrangement, and I couldn’t say no. It all came flooding back that first night.”

You still remembered it like it was yesterday. The way he’d held you, made you feel beautiful and wanted, like nobody else ever had. That was the first time it’d felt different with him, the first time you saw him as more than a friend. Now here you were, more in love with him than you thought possible. 

“I was scared. That’s why I didn’t tell you sooner,” you admitted, bringing your joined hands up to your lips so you could kiss his knuckles. “But now that I’m here, I’ve never felt more secure. It’s worth the risk.” 

“I promise,” Jinyoung began, brushing his fingertips along the line of your jaw, “that I will never hurt you. I’ll keep you safe. I’ll love you for who you are, through all of your good and bad days, your chaotic cooking, all of your teasing and testing of my limits.” 

You let out a half laugh, half sob. “Jinyoung, you’re it for me too. I can just… I feel it, you know? Here.” Your free hand came up to rest on your own heart. “This is yours.” 

“I’m never going to take it for granted.” 

You’d never seen him so soft, so vulnerable. There were tears in his eyes, too. It was almost like the last decade had been leading to this moment, right here. Even though he was fully dressed in his fancy work clothes and you were wearing a ten year old hoodie and ratty joggers, this was where you were meant to be. 

“Can you kiss me now, please? It’s been too long.” 

Jinyoung laughed, tucking a strand of your hair behind your ear. “I think I can do that.” 

By the time he leaned down, lips only inches from yours, you finally felt like the world had righted itself. 

You tipped your head up the rest of the way until your lips melted into his. Letting go of Jinyoung’s hands, you wrapped your arms around his neck and pulled him closer. There were tears falling down both of your cheeks, but it was the best kiss you’d ever had. 

With Jinyoung’s arms around your waist, he brought you flush against his body, kissing you until you both had to come up for air. Jinyoung pressed his forehead against yours, noses brushing together as you caught your breath. 

“I want to do this right,” he said, quietly, gripping your waist. “Start over, almost. I want to take you out on a real date, one that doesn’t end with sex. I just…” Jinyoung shrugged, pulling away just enough to kiss your forehead. “I want to show you what you’ve deserved all this time.” 

Your cheeks felt hot, just thinking of going out on a date with Jinyoung. As if you were a teenager again, being asked out for the first time. This was how it was supposed to feel, you realized. 

“I love you,” you told him and slid your hand into his hair. You had missed the way his strands felt between your fingers. “I don’t want to stop saying it.” 

“God, you’re so god damn cute.” Jinyoung kissed your nose and you giggled, leaning down to bury your face in his neck. 

“Shut up,” you whined and squeezed him close in a hug, feeling him laugh into your hair. “Can we cuddle and watch a documentary?” 

“Mhm,” he hummed, bending down to tuck his arms under your knees. You gasped as he lifted you up easily, wrapping your legs around his waist so he could carry you over to the living room to set you on the couch. 

“Ugh, you’re such a show off,” you said as you snuggled into him, nudging his side. 

Jinyoung poked your side with the remote in retaliation, grinning enough that his dimples popped and his eye whiskers made an appearance. It made butterflies flutter in your stomach, a feeling you now welcomed rather than buried down. 

“Here, pick something,” he said as he handed you the remote and wrapped his arm around your shoulders. 

After ten minutes of scrolling and debating on what exactly to spend your night watching, you finally decided on a two hour documentary about Edgar Allen Poe. You easily leaned into Jinyoung’s side, your bodies fitting together like puzzle pieces. 

Your eyes drifted shut after twenty minutes, so comfortable in Jinyoung’s arms that your body fell into a light sleep. You vaguely registered a blanket being draped over your lap, though Jinyoung’s warmth never left you. You just snuggled deeper into him, nuzzling your face into his chest. 

An incessant buzzing awoke you from your impromptu nap, feeling something vibrate against your thigh. You whined, lower lip jutting out as you opened your eyes. Jinyoung kissed your temple as he pulled his phone from his pocket, eyebrows knitted in confusion as he stared down at the screen. 

“It’s Sana. I honestly didn’t even know she had my number.” 

“Answer it. Make it stop,” you pouted, rubbing your sleepy eyes. 

“Hello?” Jinyoung asked after bringing the phone up to his ear. 

Jinyoung was silent for a while, and you could just barely register the sound of Sana’s voice on the other end, but not loud enough for you to make out what exactly she was saying. 

“Yes, she’s here. Yeah… No, I know… Jesus Christ, Sana… Listen, you have nothing to worry about, okay? Yeah… Okay, bye.” 

Jinyoung cleared his throat as he hung up the phone, setting it down on the empty cushion next to him. “Well,” he began, slipping his arm back around your shoulders, “it’s safe to say, you have a very loyal friend in Sana.” 

You raised a brow. “Oh yeah?” 

“Yes. She just explained, in very graphic detail, how exactly she would, uh, remove my manhood if I ever hurt you. So.” He pressed his lips together, eyes staring into space as if he’d been scarred for life. 

You fought back a smile. “Oh, wow. I mean, you’d better listen. I’d be very sad if anything happened to your-” 

“Please don’t say manhood,” he finished for you, releasing a deep sigh.

Giggling, you patted his thigh. “Alright, I won’t say it. But the fact still stands.”

Jinyoung chuckled and shook his head. “I won’t, though. You know that, right? I can’t even imagine it.” 

“I don’t need you to promise that, Jinyoung. Life…” you shrugged your shoulders, turning your body so that you could truly face him, look him in the eyes. “Things happen. Maybe one day, you’ll have a bad day at work and snap at me when I tease you a little too hard. Or maybe I’ll snap at you. We’re gonna fight, Jinyoung. And it’ll hurt. But this,” you reached for his hand, lacing your fingers through his. “This feels right. This is what I care about.” 

The corner of Jinyoung’s lips lifted as he looked down at your hands, then back up at you. “How about a new pact?” he asked, twisting your hands until only your pinkies linked together. 

“Okay.” You curled your finger around his. 

“Let’s make a deal. We’ll love each other, listen to each other, be honest, and just… choose each other. Every day.” 

The deep, sincere tone of Jinyoung’s voice was enough for your eyes to well up once more, though you fought it back down. 

“Deal,” you said, leaning forward to kiss the back of your own thumb, the universal ‘pinky promise’ gesture. Jinyoung did the same, then pulled you closer by your hand to press his lips into yours. You smiled into the kiss, melting against him once more.

You didn’t know what would happen in the future; you couldn’t make predictions or promise that it would always be perfect, but you knew that finally, through all of the ups and downs and the wrong turns, you had found your home. It was here, with Jinyoung. 

[shytiff]

Small Dec Wins

i cant believe its December already tf?!?!?!

1 - poli KIA today. saw a mother who cant feel the movement of their baby. the senior midwife tried to find the baby’s heart beat but not finding it. she said she hopes she were wrong. fell asleep at 3pm-ish, woke up super hungry. ate. i swear i feel like my weight when i measured it this morning was ~52, but after eating its close to 54 lol. eating banana and chocolate nextar is yummm. dalbang today is hella funny as always and suuper endearing. fell asleep after dalbang, didnt study hufttt

2 - today im at igd but joined azkia at vk for a bit to see partus. its not that im scared (maybe not consciously) but when the mom was being stitched i felt lightheaded, nausea, cold extremities, and i even had to squat multiple times because i couldnt stand. But i felt better after the partus so maybe seeing it was the cause. I did not feel scared at all honestly ._. and i’ve seen multiple partus before. i dont know why. i can literally feel my symphatetic tone giving out lmaoo. tried matcha latte with Cy matcha powder. it tasted more milky and grassy. mom thought it tasted like nori. i prever cocodeli alll the way (although Cy is cheaper). i think it also has a bit of caffeine that made me feel awake like a normal person should be. 

3 - today is vk but there’s no patient so thank god i saw sumn yesterday. did some cicil ukmppd in the morning accompanied by matcha latte. tried to order dufan tickets and i couldnt find my damn ktp...... fell asleep after worrying about said ktp

4 - matcha latte in the car, swab at lmk, went to dufan by tj with willy, had quite some funn with atikah nila willy amel pupuy. first time trying kereta misteri, quite fun. it rained after ashar so we didnt ride anything after that. turns out my ktp was at barel’s fotocopy lmaoo thankyou ara for picking it. went to solaria ancol afterwards, picked up by mom. i didnt tell her in the morning that i was going to dufan lmao. plenary @ zoom 19 pm. rapat nemo. fell asleep.

5 - went to lmk by tj to surprise clara. went back home and fell asleep. didnt rly do anything afterwards because this ragged body gets tired easily and i dont eat much recently. i can feel the difference before and after eating and there’s actual energy after eating. its not that im hungry though, but i feel less energized. felt annoyed terrible and just wanna lay in bed (this is unrelated with the less food in my system). even though i met up with friends

6 - after LOTS of sleeping i feel somehow better but not to a ‘normal’ amount. watched kimbab family videos. did power vinyasa by doogether with fianti. took a shower and ate indomie and i felt quite normal, except i slept again wtf. i thought i would have the second half of the day but nah. did self tryouts with fianti, 150 FDI questions. I got 96/150 right. huft. such a great reality check

7 - poli lansia with dokter isip, matcha latte in the afternoon rly helps me not sleeping the day away, packed up for depok

8 - poli umum with dr gita (helped doing phys exam), packed the rest of my stuff, ate some risol and matcha lattteee in the car, took swab results, picked up hazmats etc, zoom discussion with FT PKM Kalideres (dr gita) on the way, and i finally arrived at tamel. dinner is granola with vsoy. Taste like a slightly wet granola bar, nutty fiber-y vibe

9 - walked in ui with ara, managed to jog from the trees near st ui until kuburan bikun wow. i reached that point where my leg and heart were going in a steady unburdened pace and my willpower to keep going on was tested. tried the signature steak in Double U Steak by Chef Widi, while ara tried ribeye. the ribeye was more tender than the signature. but the seasoning in the signature is quite delish, salty and oily without being too much (like futago ya). read poppyland fast pass from ara’s phone omg season 1 is finally complete! went to coftof (omgggg i miss this place), it looks different now. ordered matcha latte and it tasted weirdly like a soy milk although ara doesnt feel that way. the matcha tasted weird. wont repurchase. read chainsaw man, its so entertaining, funny and deep at the same time. denji mess around and be too naive sometimes but hes lowkey hot lmaooo. aki is lovvvvve.

10 - first day at rsud budhi asih. had moesli combined with granola + vsoy for brekkie. went back to tamel at 3 pm. it rained when i got back. bought warteg lugina worth 32k. walked to sbux for tumbler day its been a while since i had their matcha latte. it tasted quite good, but not as good as i remembered (?) maybe bcs i asked for non fat milk. sbux closes at 8 pm for now hikss

11 - left tamel at about 7:10 and arrived on budhi asih at 08:54 yalll the traffic. Icu. Bought eatlah double and ate the salted egg part. Nap. ICU discussion with dr Dedi @8pm. I presented from my phone to save data hehe,,

12 - woke up at 8, eatlah brown butter for brekkie, symcard, saladstop's caesar salad for lunch (quite 'eneg' because i didnt eat the cheese evenly so the chicken and cheese were eaten last after the vegs are out. The vegetable's not that variative, and the non vegs make the salad taste delicious (albeit maybe not THAT healthy). Evening jog @UI and i realized i can get wifi sitting near the lake n library. Stared at the night sky from my room, i swear the sky seems super clear. Saw tiny fireworks in the distance

13 - ate muesli and saladstop’s banana walnut cake, symcard, bought moon chicken and saladpoint. lunch was egg salad and the wings. the original tasted so good like??? maybe i havent had msg for a while. also tried big bang, not too spicy which is nice. cicil ukmppd. put my laundry at buih barel lmaoo. try out with fianti. got 70/100

14 - breakfast was salad and leftover chicken. today was bangsal with angga armand. the geriatric patient has a loud murmur yall (and scoliosis, so much that the heart looks distorted). went to margo city to see sales, but when i think about it id rather just thrift stuff lmao. bought lugina. slept through kuliah guru besar. writing this in yellow truck coffee, that had 2 customers on the 1st floor including me. tried banana milk. yall after trying to drink less sugar the beverage tasted super sweet. my headache just goes away. sugar is magic but unhealthy whyyyyy.

15 - igd siang with indah. This body sure is frail. Did cbd with dr afifah AND rescheduled pleno. Rip mobile data i have to use for hotspot.

16 - ok today. Inserted goedel and did bagging. I bagged the patient the wrong way at first (too much). Thankfully the nurses were kind and taught us a lot :) watched some bts content. I feel like after reading househusband my tiktok page is now immensely funnier. Dalbang is also hilarious as always. Put on ginseng sheet mask (smells quite strong)

17 - bangsal. snacked on fried chicken. matcha latte starbucks (turns out its quite full here) and liqo about keeping our tongues in check

18 - arrived at icu. And then opened line. Turns out hadin's swab is positive, so agung kak iman and me have to isolate and swab. So i went back. Ordered kanayam chicken and fish and tempe. Nasi liwet tasted goood damn. Sleptt in the afternoon. Pleno at 4 pm (entered the room 4:30). Had no motivation to do anything. Azkia is getting married! Spent 20 mins formulating words to congratulate her lmaoo

19 - osce simulation, kak nanu was so kind and encouraging. Did try out solid. Lunch is fish bite pasta with melted cheese (cause i had to reach the minimum amount for promo). It got cold so its not that good (pairing it with self made mentai sauce, mixing the mayo and chili, is way much better). Jogged in ui (and searched for wifi). Approached by someone selling haraus coffee (25k), saying that some earnings will be for charity. Its basically sweet. Can barely taste the coffee.

20 - had kanayam for lunch (brekkie is almost always muesli lately). The nasi liwet tasted much better the first time. Walked to yellow truck coffee in the pouring rain. Got banana milk. Saw webinar ksk (electrolyte correction and dr nadhira talkshow). What i got from it is that, dr nadhira is a different person from the first place. Shes visionary, knows what she want and not afraid to reach it. The mindset is different. Even if i try as hard as her, her propensity to growth is different. Cicil ukmppd. Try out with fianti (got 72/100). Talked for an hour about love and marriage and engagements (there are so much of it lately)

21 - leftover kanayam for brekkie, also ate roti salman in cikini st. swab today (met kris, nessa and others). muesli for lunch. i thought my body felt a bit warm, so i decided to find sumn to eat. tried kedai abu bakar’s spaghetti brulee. its okay. maybe because its not too cheesy or meaty, mainly bechamel sauce. the one pupuy made is much tastier. finished the whole 10x20 portion in 2 eating sesh. cicil ukmppd @ bed in the evening (somehow felt refreshed enough to be able to concentrate in bed)

22 - went early to icu to put dops form. lugina for early lunch. i feel like my metabolism is faster? or my body is not so much in calorie deficit mode anymore and it got greedier lmao i used to just ignore hunger but not now, for health. starbiiies tumbler day. ordered black tea latte with non fat milk and vanilla syrup (because raspberry syrup is no more). did cbd geri ppt. 

23 - finally knew the swab result bcs kak iman asked kak farras. thankfully negative. igd with jordi. quite a few chances to do iv line, but i failed 2 times. managed to do iv injection to insert 2 drugs. saw the worst cpr ive ever seen in my life. its too slow, with maximal interruption. fish bite for lunch. wasted the rest of my day

24 - originally intended to run but i cant bring myself out of bed. packed up my stuff. picked up by mom. got the paper result of swab, got ksk from kelvyn @ capitol. can finally drink self-made matcha latte again, but it tasted horrible. i know cy matcha doesnt have that much going on, but even this is low even for them. previously i was starting to get used to the grassy smell.

25 - my lil bro remarked “maybe shes depressed because she doesnt have her chair”. fuck yall. this “depression” that im in is caused by this very place and the people. and im supposed to still muster the strength to study for ukmppd AND get my face together for solid book photoshoot. that shit is too much. this is why the money that goes to cafe, and the bike ride there is worth it for my sanity. after showering, things felt a bit better. had absolutely no will to study today. ate muesli with a bit of matcha latte.

26 - muesli for breakfast. matcha latte is lyfff ive probably said this before but it ~somehow~ makes me feel normal and not in a slump. like im a regular person. with normal moods. and not wanting to sleep all the time. i try to do ukmppd exercises but the pace is so fucking slow, bcs im distracted by get rich haha,,,. the latest potn update (64) is omgggg the mixed feelings? love? hate? anger? everything and nothing? the ~tension and passion~? im obsessed. watched a ton of bts content today and yesterday lmao.

27 - nasi kebuli for brekkie. went to flavola, im the first customer lmao. tried kopi susu coklat, tasted quite close enough to janjiw’s kopi soklat. had the same ~improved mood and concentration~ effect. tried to read ksk. bought milky banana 1L from puyo to give dajen (its his bday yesterday) (i feel prompted (?) to gift people when theyve given a present to me) (because my love lang is not gift giving at all so i barely think abt gifts lmao). talked with sum 33 ipa guys @ dajens house. yay appropriate amount of social battery charging. tryout with fianti, padi this time. got 67/100. 

28 - ate muesli with matcha latte after breakfast. cicil ukmppd. Listened to yoongi's vlive until i fell asleep lol. 2 burger and salad for dinner. omggg hansol revealed his gf. 

29 - spent half of my day tidying up the mess that is my room. figured out what to wear for solid book photoshoot with fianti, ara. matcha latte terosss. phd for dinner. 

30 - breakfast is muesli with cimory choco hazelnut. mom made matcha chocolate brownies. tryna study. slow pace terosss. read some padi materials. dalbang.

31 - bought vsoy low sugar and multigrain. moved my body a bit to youtube videos. showered. felt better. it also rained (which i love). the pleasant mood only lasted til the evening. did nothing from 7pm even though im not sleepy. cant tell when did i start to sleep

and just like that, 2020 kkeut. its sad to say i dont rly remember much remarkable things this year. other than the trip and memories with minor rotation friends. i just remember wasting my life away in my house. i guess that’s the danger of living a monotone life. sometimes you gotta invest some time to have fun, to have motivation to live on and do things. not doing this makes it difficult to live day by day. and friends. meeting friends, seeing new stuff. that helps me live. 

[darkshadow90]

His Obsession Chapter 4

A/N: Hey, guys. I’m really happy to see people liked Chapter three, so here’s chapter four. I posted Chapter 21 on Archive Of Our Own, and I’m so happy I’m up to 117 kudos. That’s the most I’ve gotten on any story I’ve been writing. It means so much! Things are about to get really intense, especially in the next chapter, so I hope you’ll keep reading and let me know what you think. Also, feel free to message me and say hi! My inbox is open and I’m always up for talking to you :)

Chapter 4

Arthur slept more peacefully that night than the last few weeks. It was so refreshing for him. He had forgotten what it felt like to wake up feeling energized. He figured it was because he had someone who brought joy to his life. As great as he felt, it was foreign to him because until now he wasn’t happy at any point during his life. Part of him felt bad. He did something to scare Ashe and made her cry. He wasn’t sure what he did wrong. He hated seeing her cry. In his mind, she was always happy to be with him. She wasn’t scared. He thought about how terrified she was when she heard about the possibility of the killer being a clown. When he thought about it, he was relieved he no longer worked as a clown at Ha-Ha’s. She wouldn’t have to know he was a clown. It would have scared her even more. He didn’t want to result to other measures to subdue her if he could help it. He was prepared. While he was in the hospital with his mother, he stole several sedatives. At the time, he was planning on using them to help with his insomnia. He didn’t need to worry about getting caught. He was very discrete. Even if someone noticed, it was a hospital in Gotham. They would have looked the other way. ‘Hopefully I won’t have to use them on her. I’ll keep them around just in case.’ He also thought about how odd it was that the people of Gotham seemed to care three Wall Street guys were killed, but they didn’t care that drugs were stolen by people at the bottom of the ladder like him. He put it out of his mind. ‘It doesn’t matter. I killed those guys because they were assholes. They were harassing a girl and she needed my help. I could see it in her eyes. It was the only time I was grateful for another uncontrollable fit of laughter. That girl was able to get to safety, even though the men’s attention was then focused on me. They got what they deserved. They got what they deserved, and I know that girl was grateful I helped her.’ Arthur was proud of himself. The best thing was there was nothing directly linking him to the murders. Ashe stirred in her sleep. She murmured, but Arthur couldn’t make out what she said. He gently stroked her face and was careful not to wake her. He decided to get dressed and make breakfast.

Ashe woke up and still felt exhausted. She felt stiff, too. How could she possibly be well-rested in this situation? She had nightmares all night. She dreamed about a clown. He killed six people, and then he was chasing after her. She was scared he was going to kill her because he killed those people right in front of her, and he thought she would tell the police. He eventually caught her. She expected him to shoot her, or choke her to death, but he didn’t. Instead, he tenderly cupped her face in both hands and kissed her. She was crying and trying to push him away from her, screaming at him not to touch her, and to leave her alone. That was when she woke up. She was very anxious. ‘God, I hate clowns. Of all things, why did the killer have to be a clown? No way in hell will I let one get close enough to me.’ When she finished waking up, she took a bath and went to the living room. It was a gloomy day. She could tell from the light blue that was peeking in. It was probably going to rain most of the day. Arthur made oatmeal and sat at the table. He put Ashe’s oatmeal across from him. “Oh, good you’re awake. I made oatmeal for breakfast. I hope that’s okay.” Ashe still couldn’t look at him. She looked at the floor and nodded. “Did you sleep okay?” Ashe was still looking at the floor and shook her head. “No, not really.” Her voice was still quiet, barely above a whisper. “Did you have a bad dream?” Ashe nodded. “Was it about the clown?” Ashe didn’t say anything. “I told you. I won’t let anyone hurt you. Besides, he’s probably long gone by now. He probably had a reason to kill those guys. They were probably awful like a lot of people in this city.” Ashe felt sick by what Arthur said. She couldn’t believe Arthur was trying to make excuses for the clown’s actions. She was afraid to tell him it’s never okay for people to kill others. She was worried it would upset him for some reason, so she let it go.

They finished eating and turned on the TV. The news came on and there were a few updates. The reporter said police have begun questioning employees at Ha-Ha’s. Police said most of them had an alibi. They had a few more suspects to question in the hope to gain more information to catch the killer. They knew for sure the killer was a clown, and it was likely one of the remaining suspects works at Ha-Ha’s. Ashe was relieved to hear the new bits of information. It meant police were that much closer to catching the killer. ‘At least that’s one less thing to worry about. Once they catch that crazy clown, I won’t have to worry about him being on the streets, and I’ll finally be able to focus on getting out of here. As fucked up as it sounds, Arthur hasn’t really done anything bad to me. It’s better than being killed by an insane clown. At least I’m safe here. And even though both are shitty choices, I’d rather be stuck with an insane, overprotective neighbor than a clown that wants to butcher me or God knows what else. They’ll catch him soon. I just need to hang in there a little longer.’ Ashe saw Arthur stand up and clench his fists. She was scared. She saw his eyes go dark. Something must have upset him. It was uncomfortably quiet. She was too afraid to say anything.

Arthur was furious. He didn’t like what he heard on the news one bit. He knew it was most likely only him and Randall the police needed to question. ‘I’ve got to do something. I can’t really trust any of the guys to not mention me, except Gary, maybe. He’s one of the only people who’s ever been nice to me. But Randall, no. I sure as fuck can’t trust him. He got me fired from my job. He gave me that gun for protection and then fucked me over. Shit, what do I do? He better not show his stupid fucking face here. If he does, I’ll...’ “Arthur?” Ashe’s soft voice brought him out of his rage. He looked over and saw Ashe. She looked worried. “It’s okay. I’m fine now. I just need a smoke.” He grabbed the last cigarette from the pack and sighed. “I need to get more cigarettes. I won’t be gone long.” He put on his tan hoodie, zipped it up, and locked the door behind him as he left. Ashe heard thunder and it began to rain. Since she had nothing to do, she figured she would read Arthur’s notebook while he was gone.

[fluffy-marshmallow-heart]

A Twist of Fate ch.11 -An Unexplained Feeling

The Elementalist au

Beckett x MC (Oriana)

Words: 2571

Master List (Catch Up Here)

The next morning, Beckett woke up spooning Oriana. She was pressed completely into him, and he felt himself sticking out into her. For a moment he allowed himself to daydream about kissing her and the way she reacted to his touch, like he alone lit a fire in her all throughout her body. Trying to make as little movement as possible as not to wake her, he inhaled her scent, and wondered what their combined scent would be like.

  He felt her move in his arms lightly, her skin brushing against his erection, making him even harder than he already was. He groaned as quietly as he could, not wanting her to wake up and hear the effect she was having on him at that moment. He loved having her in his arms, but if he was going to end up with a constant hard on it was going to be a problem. He looked over at the clock, 7am. He needed to get moving. He started to slowly pull away from her, immediately missing her warmth. When they were finally disentangled, he crept out of the room quietly.

He was still so tired. He couldn’t stop thinking about everything she’d told him last night. He stood in front of his mirror, buttoning up his shirt and attempting to style his hair. He grimaced at the dark bags beneath his eyes. He finished primping as best he could and head down the stairs, but to his surprise, Oriana was standing over the coffee machine.

“Ori?”

She turned and gave him a tired smile. “Morning. Coffee’s almost done.”

“I didn’t mean to wake you.” He told her.

She smirked. “And I told you that you’re cute in the morning and I want to do something nice for you.”

Beckett felt his face flush.

“Oh, and here’s your lunch.” She handed him a container. “It’s the dinner we never ate last night.”

“I’m sorry I missed dinner…. wait. We? You didn’t eat either?”

She shook her head. “No. I’m also going to eat some for lunch.”

Beckett didn’t even know what to say. Does she actually want to have every meal with me? Why?

“You still look exhausted.” She pointed out

He rolled his eyes. “Well, I haven’t slept much since you walked into my life.”

She bit her lip, and his gaze fell to it, images of making out with her the previous night flashed through his mind again. I shouldn’t have done that. But it really seemed like she wanted it to happen. If I hadn’t stopped…how far would it have gone? No. Don’t think like that. What she gave you was far more meaningful.

She stepped forward. “Um…I can help with that.” Before he could ask what she meant, she had stepped forward, placing her hand over his heart again. Warmth and light spread throughout his body and he instantly felt lighter, happier, more energized. Her eyes had turned golden, and in that moment, Beckett knew he was head over heels in love with her. More than that, he knew he’d always been in love with her.

He heard a gasp escape her lips, and she took a step back, breaking their connection, with a strange look on her face. “You should probably go. Don’t want you to be late.”

“Ori...” He started. “Is it like that with everyone? The light you put in my heart. Does it always feel this way?” Tell me why you gasped.

She cocked her head to the side. “What do you mean? You should feel energized. That’s what it does to people.”

“Right…” He narrowed his eyes at her. There was something she wasn’t saying. But then, there was something he also was not saying. “Alright, I’ll…see you later. Thank you. For coffee, lunch, energy…you’re incredible.” He hadn’t meant to say the last part out loud, but sure enough, it came out of his mouth.

“Bye Beckett.” She responded softly.

At work, Beckett felt amazing. He couldn’t believe how good he felt. He wasn’t tired, he wasn’t worried, he could actually concentrate for the first time in days. He greeted everyone he saw, the lunch she had packed him was outstanding. Things were good. The first time he looked up from his work was when he heard his office door close. Dave and Tom stood in front of him, arms crossed.

“Uh…hey guys. Can I help you?”

Two sets of eyebrows raised. “You’re in a really good mood.” Dave said.

“Yeah.” Tom agreed. “I haven’t seen you this refreshed and motivated…well, ever.”

“You always did have a dim outlook on life.” Dave pointed out.

“So, what’s going on?” Tom finished

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Beckett told them. “I’m having a good day. Is that so hard to believe?”

“For you? Yeah, kinda. You’re not exactly Mr. Sunshine.”

But I have my own personal sunshine at home.

“Wait, what? Am I never in a good mood? I’ve had good days before.” He said defensively.

Dave pulled up a chair. “Not like this. This is a whole other level of happy.”

Beckett stared at them a moment.

“Did you sleep with her?” Tom asked

“What?? No!! Of course not, it’s only been a few days…”

“Almost a week.” Dave piped in

“Okay, almost a week. That’s not long enough to…”

“Are you kidding? It’s definitely long enough when you’re living with someone you’ve always been in love with.” Tom exclaimed.

“I…we have not had sex.” Beckett said firmly. “And I never said I was in love with her.”

“Beckett.” Dave started. “You know how we could tell something happened when she first moved in and you were denying that anything was going on? I’m getting the same vibe here. So just cut to the chase and tell us so we can all move on with our day.”

Beckett sighed. “We got…closer. But not sexually. She told me some things…horrible things…she said I’m the first person she ever told. And it felt…good. Not good that she’s gone through these things, but good that she would trust me like that. No one’s ever placed their faith in me before, at least not on a personal level.”

“She’s telling you things she’s never told anyone? Not even her ex? Her best friends?”

Beckett swallowed. “Uh…yeah. Why?”

The two men shared a glance and a smirk. “No reason.”

Beckett pinched the bridge of his nose. “There’s a reason. Just say it. You made me come out with it, it’s your turn.”

“How did that particular subject matter come up?” Tom asked.

“Does it really matter? You guys are ruining my good day.” Beckett snapped.

“It’s all about context.” Dave replied.

“I’m done talking about this. It’s been great sharing all this with you, but I have work to do.”

“Beckett, come on. We’re trying to help. You said she told you horrible things she’s never said out loud before. That’s a big deal. Things like that don’t just randomly pop into a conversation. So what led to that discussion? What happened to make her open up to you like that?”

Beckett glared at them, remaining silent.

“Fine. If you don’t want to tell us, then don’t. But we’re the married ones. We may know a thing or two that can help you win her over. I guarantee you’re closer than you think. And as you said, it’s only been a few days. Which means things can easily go either way. We want to help you make it go the right way. Because we like this new Beckett we’re seeing. It’s refreshing. You’ve never smiled this much since you started here.”

The two men started to leave his office, and right before the door clicked shut…

“I kissed her!” Beckett blurted out, before burying his face in his hands.

“I knew it!” Dave announced gleefully. $5 please!!”

Tom rolled his eyes, shoving a $5 bill into Dave’s hand.

“Are you…did you make a bet?” Beckett asked incredulously.

“Perhaps.” Tom shrugged. “Dave here thought you kissed her, and I thought you slept with her. We decided to make it interesting.”

Beckett’s mouth fell open. “Seriously?”

“Seriously. No one’s in this good a mood unless it has something to do with their girl.”

“She’s not my girl.” Beckett mumbled.

“Yet.” Tom corrected.

“Why are you two so invested in this?” Beckett asked.

“Because we’re your friends. So. You kissed her. How’d that happen? And how did it lead to her telling you extremely personal things?”

“Well…” Beckett trailed off, the tips of his ears turning read.

“Oh my god. You almost slept with her!” Tom cried. “What the hell, man? Why’d you stop?”

“Because she just got out of a relationship! She’s too vulnerable!”

“And willing to sleep with you! From everything you’ve said, it sounds like she barely even liked her ex, they were together more out of convenience and familiarity than anything else. Jesus, Beckett, okay, so you rejected her? I can’t believe you’re even alive right now.”

If only you knew how accurate that really is. “Well, she was definitely pissed and tried to kick me out. But I wouldn’t let her, and when she saw I wasn’t giving up…she let me in. On a deeply personal level. That’s how it happened. Satisfied?”

Beckett glared at them, annoyed he’d just told him all of that, annoyed that they could figure it out. The room was silent for several moments before Dave finally spoke again, his voice quiet.

“Wow. Good for you. That’s impressive. You really do love her, don’t you?”

Beckett nodded once, not saying a word.

“Okay…” Tom began. “She definitely likes you, or she wouldn’t have kissed you back…wouldn’t have reciprocated your advances…certainly wouldn’t have let you stay after rejecting her. She likes you. Maybe…maybe she even loves you. If she told you things she’s literally told no one else…There’s gotta be a reason for that.”

Beckett scoffed. “She hated me for years, she’s not going to fall for me in a matter of days. She has no idea how long I’ve wanted her.”

Dave sighed. “Again, if she actually hated you…she wouldn’t be in your house right now. And she doesn’t know because you haven’t told her. You should. Also, she thought you hated her, and you definitely didn’t.”

“What are you trying to say?” Beckett asked in frustration. 

“I’m saying be honest with her. Tell her how you feel, how you’ve always felt. She likes you, and you deserve this, something good. You both do. So be that good in each other.”

With that parting comment, they left his office, and Beckett leaned back in his chair with a huge sigh. Well now my concentration’s fucking gone. Way to go assholes. This is why friends are overrated and I’ve avoided it in the past. Who do they think they are, butting into my life like that?

Try as he may, he couldn’t get back into his groove. He was annoyed, and all he could think about was Oriana. The things she told him about Chase, and the things that happened to her while she was with him. It was awful, and she trusted him with it. He’d actually kissed her, could have slept with her, he was sure, and he couldn’t even be happy about it. He was having this nagging feeling that something was wrong. And, to his immense disappointment, he knew his friends were right, this relationship could easily swing either way. He stood up, gathered his things, and told his boss he was leaving for the day. Luckily, Beckett often worked long hours, as he never had anyone to go home to, so he could more than afford a couple hours off.

He didn’t know what he was doing, but he knew he needed to see her. It’s how he always felt now. Now that she was in his life, he couldn’t imagine it without her. Something was happening between them, something strong, something he’d never experienced before. He could feel her now, he could tell she needed to see him. She’d been radio silent all day, which was unlike her. He didn’t like it. When he got home, he burst through the door, calling out her name.

She stepped into his vision, eyebrows furrowed. “Beckett? What are you doing here?”

“Are you okay?” He asked immediately.

She frowned. “Uh…yes? Why? What’s going on?”

“Do you regret telling me the things you did last night?” He blurted out.

She looked at him in confusion. “No.”

He waited for her to continue, but she didn’t.

“Oh.” Was all he could think of to say.

“Are you okay?” She asked. “You seem a bit…off.”

Beckett ran a hand through his hair. “Sorry. I uh, took the rest of the day off. I thought we could spend time together.”

She blinked. “Oh…”

“Is that Beckett fucking Harrington??” He heard a screech from her phone that he just now realized she was holding. The faces of Shreya and Zephyr were staring at him in shock. “THAT’s who you’re staying with?? Okay, this is clearly an emergency, we’re coming home right now, and you’ll stay with us.”

“Um, guys…I should go.” She turned the screen back to face her. “Don’t cut your trip, really, I’m fine.”

“You are NOT staying with that asshat, Oriana.” Shreya said sharply. “Do you not remember…”

“Gotta go, guys, seriously, I’m fine and I’m staying here.” As her friends began arguing she hung up the phone and looked at him guiltily.

“Beck…”

He rose a hand to stop her. “It’s…it’s fine, Ori. You didn’t want them to know where you’re staying. You already told me to be careful of who knows.”

Even though I completely disagree with that. Especially since this is going so well. But apparently, it’s not just Chase she wants to keep in the dark.

“I was about to tell them when you walked in, I swear.” She looked at him pleadingly.

“Do you really think they would tell Chase?” He asked

She laughed lightly. “They hated him. There’s no way they would tell him anything.”

“Then why…”

“I told you I was literally about to tell them. I’d only been talking to them for 10 minutes. Honestly, I just hadn’t gotten there yet.” She was searching his eyes, and he could tell she was being sincere.

“Okay. I believe you.” He felt some relief wash through him, knowing she was okay.

“Why are you actually here?” She stepped towards him, a suspicious look on her face.

“I just had a feeling…” He trailed off. What am I going to say? I thought something was wrong, so I came here as soon as I could? She’ll say I’m crazy

“What kind of feeling?” She questioned.

He started blushing. “I can’t explain it. I just felt…”

“Anxious?” She supplied

He nodded.

“What are you feeling right now?”

“Uh…not…anxious?”

“Beckett…” She began. “When did you start feeling that something was wrong?”

“I don’t know. Does it matter?” She rose an eyebrow as he fidgeted uncomfortably. “Maybe about an hour ago?”

She shook her head. “That’s...that’s impossible.”

“What’s impossible?”

“I’ve only heard of this kind of thing happening, I kinda thought it was an urban legend.” She murmured, more to herself than to him. "I guess I realized but...still.

“What?” He was getting frustrated.

She met his gaze and he instantly knew what she was going to say. “You were feeling my anxiety about that phone call.”

  @annekebbphotography @carabeth @gardeningourmet @eileendannie @dancetothestoriesinyoursoul @alesana45 @thequeenofcronuts @zigortega4life @drakewalkerfantasy

@emerald-bijou @xo-endlessmayhem-xo @divergentofhogwarts @rissah @syltti78 @damienswhore @askdana @giulia2372 @symonde @coffeebeandragon @flyawayboo @pbmychoices @wickedgypsymoon @kendrasgue @timmagicktoad @feartheendlesssummer @elainew13 @the-soot-sprite @endlessly-searching-for-you @nerdynstoned

[a-woman-apart]

Sometimes You Just Need a Nap (The Effexor Saga Continues)

So today, I started the day off well. When recording my voice diaries, I started to ramble a lot about how I’ve exceeded my food budget and spent money on medication I couldn’t even use. I was able to course-correct, though, and I came to the realization that my actions were justifiable considering everything that was going on. Also, even if I did make some poor decisions, this did not indicate a pattern of irresponsibility. I could forgive myself for being human and making mistakes. The only reasonable action to take following that realization was to strive to make better choices in the future.

As the morning bled into the afternoon, I started to feel more and more depressed, even though I had made some progress against self-criticism and self-doubt. I wanted to go to the laundry mat today and pick up around the house a little more, but I felt too weak. It was all I could do to go pick-up lunch (the responsible thing to do rather than paying for it to be delivered) eat it, and then collapse back onto the couch and cover myself with a blanket.

When I finally did go to take the nap, my sleep initially seemed fitful. I had strange dreams and thought I was hearing all sorts of noises. I woke up to what sounded like banging on the door, but when I looked out no one was there. I think the neighbors were just being super noisy today. Surprisingly, though, when I was able to get over the strangeness of it all, I realized that I felt so much more refreshed and energized than I had before. I still didn’t have the strength to run any errands, but I felt chipper enough to watch a movie, and so I did.

Sometimes, you just need a nap.

Of course, at the end of the day, I was back to being in an existential crisis. After my terrible experience of withdrawal with Effexor/Venlafaxine, I have decided that I want to take action against the manufacturers of the drug, or at the very least raise greater awareness about the harm that it can cause. If my experience with Effexor were unique to me, I would write it off as bad luck and would not be concerned. However, hearing the testimonials of so many other people who have been hurt by this drug and others like it, I am compelled to take action.

My boyfriend does not fully agree with my taking this course. He points out—rightfully so— that waging a war against a specific drug or class of drugs might be a waste of energy. The entire pharmaceutical industry, he said, was bork. We discussed how doctors are sometimes paid to prescribe medication. This is not to say that no prescribers have their patients’ best interest in mind, but it does mean that what they say needs to be taken with a grain of salt.

My boyfriend also cautioned me against strictly refusing to take a medication just because it falls in a certain category. I assured him that I still believe in medicine compliance but pointed out that the only psych drug that I have taken—as a bipolar patient— that has been more beneficial than harmful over an extended time period has been lithium. Even when things like antidepressants worked, I would have to be switched to a new one because they would not remain effective over time. Invega was wonderful, but the reproductive side effects were so bad that I had to be removed from it. I actually brought up the idea of my not needing antipsychotics for a long time, citing the irregular periods as a harm that I wasn’t sure was good for me to tolerate over the long term. It took me bleeding on/off for 40 days for them to listen to me.

I have now effectively become skeptical of anti-anxiety medication as well, even as my anxiety continues to be a problem. Lithium, on the other hand, has been doing its job. It hasn’t eliminated the symptoms of bipolar disorder (or I wouldn’t be taking other drugs along with it) but I have not had a major depressive episode or a full-blown manic episode since being on the drug.

I told my boyfriend that I did not feel like I should sacrifice my physical health for my mental health. He rightfully said that sometimes you cannot strike that “perfect balance” where your psych medicines do not cause other health problems. I pointed out that it depends on what you are willing to tolerate. I have tolerated weight gain, excessive thirst, and the risks of serious—even life-threatening side effects— so that I can exist at a healthy baseline of functioning. I have actually been very fortunate that I haven’t had to deal with some of the gnarlier side effects, but I’ve had my moments.

On Wellbutrin (taken for depression), my vision was poor enough for me to need to wear glasses to read; I first noticed the vision problems upon taking Wellbutrin but thought that they were exacerbated by a physical problem. Surprise— no more Wellbutrin, no more eye problems. Were the vision changes more annoying that truly harmful? Yes. Would I take Wellbutrin again knowing that they caused that? Nope.

For me, habit-forming drugs and drugs that cause discontinuation syndrome are deal-breakers. Drugs that cause excessive drowsiness that does not go away are deal-breakers. Drugs that cause hypomania/mania are deal-breakers. Drugs that are used to treat anxiety—but may instead cause it—are deal-breakers. Effexor fell in the latter category for me, but because I was using it to treat depression, I was willing to tolerate the slight uptick in my anxiety. This was a mistake. When my psychiatrist implicated it in my mixed mania, it went from a small mistake to a big one. I had always known that antidepressants carried a mania risk if they were used for a long time, but I took the risk. Taking that risk almost ended me in the hospital.

There is also a possibility that the Effexor and the Abilify don’t mix well, because adding that second dose of Abilify fucked with me, too, and was actually a partial catalyst for everything that transpired after that. My psychiatrist both removed the extra Abilify and Effexor at the same time, and that was when my symptoms went from “hard mode” to “nightmare mode.” The rest is history.

Look, I only have one point here. My boyfriend has been on the same antidepressant medication—with excellent results—for years. Antidepressants save lives.

They also take them.

I am not saying that these drugs should not be available. Also, to the manufacturer’s credit—but not that much because they are forced by law to include drug information— if you go to the website and read the boxed warning you can see that there is a warning about discontinuation syndrome. It is true that it is the responsibility of the patient to read the warnings and be informed about the drugs. However, in most pharmacies when you go to fill a prescription, if a drug carries a particular risk, you usually receive consultation regarding how to safely take that drug. In the same way, just as doctors now warn about the risks of suicidality for children and adolescents who take antidepressants, they should be required by law to warn patients about the severity of discontinuation syndrome.

I am not convinced that it is necessary to push for Effexor to be removed from the U.S. market—even though it is already banned in parts of Europe—but I would like to see patients being more informed about what they are putting into their bodies. When you go to a psych doctor, you often trust them to make decisions with your best interest at heart. In my opinion, this is sometimes a misplaced trust. They either are not aware of the consequences of certain medications, or they are deliberately downplaying the side effects of these medications, so you won’t be “too scared” to take them. This is disingenuous and must be stopped.

My boyfriend is concerned for my health, but I assured him that I wasn’t becoming anti-medicine. I know that alternative medicine can be just as bad—if not worse— than traditional western medicine. Depression can often not have a “cause” outside chemical issues in the brain, and if those issues are not first addressed, additional treatment may be ineffective. If a person struggles to get out of bed, exercise, and participate in work, family, and group activities, they may need a “jump start” to at least raise their level of functioning to where they can begin to slowly reintegrate into society and their lives. It’s true that medicine works best when paired with therapy and the use of coping skills, but the most important thing is to get that person well enough to participate in their own recovery. Like I said, too, lithium has been a wonder drug for me. It doesn’t “cure” everything, it just brings me up to where I can handle doing the hard work it takes to maintain a healthy life.

Even lithium, though, is dangerous. It can cause thyroid and kidney problems, so frequent blood tests are required. There is no drug that is risk-free. If I want to get off lithium though, I won’t start sweating, vomiting, and having seizures. Capsule sizes exist in enough variety that I can taper off slowly and safely. I just feel that if withdrawal is at all a concern, that concern should be discussed upfront with the patient. There are no exceptions.

Even though today has been better than a lot of days, I still don’t truly feel like myself. The intermittent gastrointestinal problems and dealing with fatigue are still affecting my day to day life. It’s true, sometimes you just need a nap, but sometimes you also need to be able to trust the people who are involved with your mental health.

I don’t think that’s too much to ask.

[tintinwrites]

hypnagogic | Poe Dameron x Female Reader

A/N: Hypnagogic is related to the state immediately before falling asleep? I mean, reader and Poe replaced that with some good, old-fashioned banging BUT STILL

Rating: M.

Warning: Brief mention of alcohol. Long mention of sex. That means this is just smut lmao

Word count: I know drabbles are supposed to be short, but apparently this is 1,729 words I’M SORRY

Prompt: “If you can’t sleep...we could have sex?” (as requested by an anon from this list of prompts)

Tags: @fireboltrose7559 (hope you wanna be tagged lol)

It had been a long day.

You'd gotten up before daylight to go on a mission with Poe and your squadron, which ended up with you running through an overgrown forest for what felt like hours. Overgrown meaning that if you didn't jump or swerve in time, you would trip on underbrush or stumble into a tree; and you were too busy running as fast as possible to always react when needed.

You were tired. You were exhausted.

You all made it back to D'Qar by dinner and everyone wanted to celebrate a mission well-done — you were feeling pretty well-done, too, but the whole group went to the dining hall out of politeness.

Your food was mostly untouched. You only had the energy for a couple of bites, leaning heavily against Poe's arm while he talked and laughed with everyone at the table. How could he still be so energized? He got up early, too. He ran, too. You had to help him get one of his boots out from under an oddly grown tree root that he tripped on.

Yet he was acting fully rested and relaxed. Not that you minded that much; you could feel the vibrations of his voice and laughter. It was so soothing, you could have fallen asleep right there.

You jerked awake from your very light doze as the smell of strong alcohol appeared in front of your face. A familiar hand was holding a glass of clear liquid out to you, and the thought of having alcohol in your system when you were so tired had you grunting and pushing the hand away.

"Okay, grumpy." Poe chuckled, handing the glass off to someone else. "You okay? You haven't touched your food." He only laughed again when you mumbled something that even you couldn't translate. He leaned over to press a kiss to your temple, whispering, "You don't have to stay. Go to bed."

You leaned into the touched. "I'm fine." But you were closing your eyes again and had to force them back open to keep from passing out. "Maybe I'll take a shower."

"Don't fall."

You nodded, getting up and shuffling out of the room, almost in a trance. You didn't realize you had made it into the refresher in your quarters until you were already undressed and standing under the water.

You washed yourself and your hair lazily, most likely still covered in suds when you got out and dried off. You could hear your bed calling for you and you changed as fast as you could in your tired state.

There was another body in your bed. A quick look told you it was Poe, seemingly fast asleep, half of his clothes thrown on the floor. You smirked. He may have hidden how tired he was, but he wasn't some amazing being with unlimited energy. You supposed he came to your quarters just to be close to you, since you likely wouldn't be intimate because of exhaustion.

You pressed a kiss to his head, moving around to the other side of the bed and climbing in.

And as soon as your head hit the pillow, you—

—woke up.

The heaviness in your eyes disappeared so quickly you might have thought you just had a dreamless sleep, but nothing had changed. All your positions were still the same and Poe still laid beside you.

You brushed it off and closed your eyes, expecting to doze off quickly.

A minute passed and you didn't feel the least bit sleepy.

Maybe you needed to change how you were laying. You turned onto your right side, facing Poe and cuddling up to him.

You didn't fall asleep, but your arm sure did.

With a soft groan, you decided to turn onto your stomach. You felt comfortable and snuggled up, but it was quickly giving you a crick in your neck.

So you turned again, now on your left side. Light suddenly illuminated from behind you, making you wince at the brightness. You looked over your shoulder to see that Poe had turned a light on and was sitting up.

He was staring at you. "Please stop."

"Sorry," you mumbled, tearing up slightly as you ran a hand over your face. You just wanted to sleep. "I can't get comfortable."

"What? I've seen you fall asleep on your hands and knees." The day after that had been full of apologies, insisting that you hadn't fallen asleep because you were bored with the...activities you had been in the middle of, but you had just been tired. Thankfully, you were telling the truth and Poe wasn't one to distrust you. "You were falling asleep on me not even a half an hour ago."

"I know, but then I laid down and now I feel like I could run laps around the base." You settled back down, looking at the wall halfway across the room. "Go to sleep."

He was silent for a moment and you would have thought he did as you said if the light hadn't still been on. "If you can't sleep...we could have sex?"

"No, we—" You had started to laugh it off, but paused. "Could we?"

"Why not? I'm not gonna be getting any sleep with you elbowing me in the ribs every time you try to get comfortable."

"You're sure you're not too tired?" You looked back at him.

"As long as I'm not on top, I'm good."

"—well, I don't want to be on top either."

"Okay, Miss 'I-could-run-laps'. How's about we meet in the middle?" His hand moved to your hip, giving it a squeeze as he pressed himself against your ass. He was already half-hard and you were impressed.

You forgot whatever train of thought you had when he started pressing gentle kisses to your neck and his hand slipped under your shirt, pushing the fabric up as he walked his fingers over your stomach. Your muscles tightened in response to the tickling sensation and your breathy giggle turned to a moan when he squeezed one of your breasts.

"Not fair," you practically whined. "You get to do all you want in this positio—" He gently pinched your nipple and you gasped.

You weren't going to just lay there. First you reached back to run your fingers through his hair, giving it a light tug, which brought a moan out of him. Then you trailed your hand down, moving forward slightly so you had space to slip it into his pants. You wrapped your hand around his cock, stroking him slowly.

He groaned and let his head fall, face pressed to your neck. "You know what you do to me, baby?" His hand slipped down to mimic yours, moving under the waistband of your pants and stroking your folds, easily finding your clit. "Did you forget something?"

You dimly recalled seeing your bottom undergarment on the floor when you left the refresher after your shower. "I was tired." Who cared? You were glad to have forgotten to put it on, as the lack of it gave Poe easier access.

"Mm." He stroked your clit until you started to moan, then made quick work of pushing your pants down your legs. You did the same to him, both of you kicking off your pants so they were left under the covers, at the foot of the bed. He helped adjust your legs so he could press his cock to your entrance smoothly, giving you a kiss on the cheek. "You ready for me?"

"Am I ever not?" You smiled at his chuckle, but your mouth fell open as he pushed into you.

Both of you were silent, Poe with his face against your neck and you with your eyes closed tightly. It wasn't until he was pulling out and sliding back in, hitting just the right spot, that you moaned together.

His pace was slow and sweet, and you just kept running your fingers through his hair to be able to touch him in some way. He was squeezing your hip before his hand returned between your legs, rubbing your clit.

"Poe...I need...more."

"I know, sweetheart...I know." His fingers moved faster against you.

There was something so blissful about it; the way it felt to have him rocking into you, his body pressed against you, his face in your hair, the sounds of his pants and moans of pleasure. You never felt more safe and at ease than when you were this close to him.

"You're so beautiful," he whispered. You loved it when he whispered. His tone was so smooth and sweet, just like his words when he wasn't saying something naughty to make you blush. "So smart. So amazing. You were so amazing today. You could've left me back there."

"Absolutely not." You put your hand on his cheek, turning your head back to kiss him deeply. You refused to break the kiss even as you felt a tingling sensation that had become all too familiar when you were with him, simply moaning against his lips. "I'm...close."

His fingers moved more firmly against your clit and you did stop kissing him, if only because the rush of feelings had your jaw dropping. You pressed your face to his as best as you could and he pressed his right back.

"Go ahead. I'm here."

You weren't sure what the reminder was for, if it was just because he was tired, but it sent you over the edge all the same. You bucked your hips as you clenched around him, moaning his name in a way that would make what you were doing obvious, should anyone happen to be listening.

Poe was barely seconds behind you, releasing into you with a low groan. You laid there, eyes closed, sharing a few quick, gentle kisses.

"You good?" He nuzzled your neck.

You were blinking heavily again and you smiled, nodding. "Mhm."

He carefully pulled out of you, moving away to turn off the light. You just managed to turn onto your other side to face him before he was grabbing you, dragging you into his arms.

You stroked over his shoulder and bicep, and he kissed all over your face as you both relaxed into the bed. You felt yourself dozing within seconds.

And, snuggled up to Poe with your face pressed against his neck, you finally got some damn rest.

[the-bark-is-worse]

HumaniTea- Rivetra

Chapter 6- Of First Days and First Customers and First Dates

Read previous Chapters of HumaniTea here on AO3!

Their day of rest had been just that. Though Petra had hoped to have spent the day in town visiting the shops, she quickly found she had been exhausted, drained from her episode the night before, with only enough energy for a trip to the bakery and a few household errands.

Levi had not brought it back up after their talk that morning; it was something she was thankful for, not only for her embarrassment, but to spare herself of the awkward realization she had asked him to share a bed with her. There was no denying the fact she felt something for him, and while her request for him to stay had no venereal backing to it (quite the opposite, in fact,) it still was a thought that made her cheeks feel warm with embarrassment, for herself and for the position she had put her captain in.

But…it was comforting…

She had always felt safe with her captain, but she had never felt safer than she did in his hold; a feeling and thought that caused those butterflies that danced the night she kissed him to flutter in her stomach once again.

And while Levi seemed to keep his focus on what waited for them the next day, he too was quietly thankful the subject did not resurface.

—————

“Alright, so let’s go over this once again…” Petra started, causing the man across from her to look up from his meal. His expression, seemingly masked, was a mix of amusement, disbelief, and if Petra was paying any sort of attention, she might have caught a slight roll of his eyes.

“Again…”

“Yes, again; we can never be too prepared,” she popped a chopped piece of carrot into her mouth, making sure to finish chewing and swallowing before speaking again.

“Now…wake up at 5am, get dressed, eat, and be downstairs no later than 6am…you’ll make sure everything is clean and in order and…’reclean as necessary,’” she mimicked his earlier words, and this time she caught him rolling his eyes.

“I’ll get started on the first couple of batches of tea biscuits and keep enough dough on standby in case we need to make more later in the day. 7am, we’ll make sure the stove is lit and the kettles filled and ready for heating, and by 8am we should be ready to open the doors…does that sound right to you?”

His gaze bore into her over the teacup he held before his face, gently blowing into the liquid to cool it down.

“…well?”

He took a sip, swallowed, and kept his cup suspended as he spoke.

“…you forgot to add in time for us to go over this plan again in the morning.”

Petra’s shoulders slumped, a long, exasperated sigh escaping her as she leaned back into her chair. She set her fork down on the edge of her plate in favor of picking up a cloth napkin.

“Look, I’m just nervous, okay? This is your shop, and I don’t want to let you down,” she said, wringing the napkin in her hands, gazing beyond him and into their kitchen.

“Petra…”

Her eyes glanced to meet his which were staring right into her. His cup had been set down on the table, no longer obscuring his face, though his features revealed nothing but his typical, stoic expression.

“In all of the time we’ve worked together, you’ve never let me down once.”

She opened her mouth to argue, but before any sort of noise could pass between her lips, Levi stood from his seat and carried his empty dinner dish to the sink.

“Including the 57th.”

Her lips pressed into a fine line, watching as he began cleaning his dishes. He knew her well, though he knew all his soldiers well. Perhaps that too was what made him so admirable to them as their captain…

——————

“Petra-“

Her eyes twitched, rolling over in the bed and mumbling out, “Just five more minutes, please-“

“…it’s 5:45…”

Her eyes flew open, an expression of panic plastered on her face, similar to what Levi would see when she would often show late to their early morning trainings. He had always found it to be amusing, though never could admit or express such in a superior position.

Quickly, she rolled out of bed, not bothering to straighten her appearance before the man as she began to make the bed.

“I can’t believe I woke up late!!” she exclaimed, smoothing out the blanket on top of the bed.

“I just knew this was going to happen,”

“Petra-”

“-and now I won’t be able to take a shower-“

“Petra-”

“-and I was hoping I could at least make you breakfast before we-“

“Petra!”

She glanced up to him, oblivious to the fact that he must have crossed the room towards her bedroom door while in her panic induced tirade. His face betrayed no emotion, no hint of annoyance or disappointment, though she thought she may have spotted a bit of weariness from lack of sleep.

Petra looked to him expectantly when he did not continue to speak, her brows raising in hopes to prompt him so that she may continue to do all she needed to in less than 15 minutes.

“I’ve got breakfast handled…,” he spoke his eyes casually looking from her to the clock on the dresser, “and it’s only 10 after.”

She was quick, though not as quick as him. Before she knew it, he was gone, the pillow from her bed landing on the floor where he once stood with a thud as she vowed to get him back at some point.

——————-

Despite Petra’s ‘late start,’ she and Levi had managed to start their preparations for the shop as planned. Levi took to making sure everything more or less gleamed while the shop filled with the warm scent of baking biscuits.

Time seemed to pass quickly, and with each passing second, that bubbling feeling of nervousness came over Petra once again. In just a few moments, they would open thee shop doors to the public for the first time.

“Are you ready?” Levi asked, standing a few feet beside Petra as he wiped his freshly washed hands on a towel.

“I- well…I’ve no choice but to be.”

Levi hummed in acknowledgement, folding the towel over a hanging bar and walking towards the shop’s front door. He placed a hand on Petra’s shoulder as he passed behind her, giving it a gentle squeeze. He understood. But he also knew what she was capable of. After all, a few old biddies coming in for morning tea was nothing compared to the war she had lived through. The war which she saw to the end and survived.

He tuned the lock on the front door, propping it open with a door stopper and set out a wooden sign Petra had decorated a few days before, indicating that HumaniTea was open for business.

No sooner had Levi turned his back and made his way to the counter again, it seemed that those biddies he thought of just moments before had trickled in, eager to put their long noses into the shop for something to gossip about later.

“My, it smells heavenly in here,” one of the older women spoke.

“Clean as well; certainly more of a refreshing look compared to the ale house here before,” another commented.

Petra looked to Levi, who stood beside her with his arms folded, leaning against the back work countertop. She gave him a quick, half smile, drinking up enough confidence just by looking at him before turning towards the women and smiling wider.

“Welcome to HumaniTea.”

Her voice was warm and melodious, able to melt any frozen heart that had the fortune of witnessing such a tune.

“Tell me about this shop, young lady,” one of the group of four spoke, standing closest to the counter while the others continued to hobble their way in.

“Well, it’s a tea shop,” she started, a slight and subtle clearing of Levi’s throat he was somewhat amused by her obvious response. Of course, she had no intentions of being rude to their first potential customers, and with a genuine smile she continued.

“There are plenty of different varieties to choose from, many imported from outside the walls.”

A hum of interest sounded from one of the women, two others listening as they squinted their weathered eyes to read the selections, while the fourth kept her focus on Levi.

“You can either sit in the shop while we brew tea for you to drink here, or you can buy leaves to take home.”

Another hum, and this time a different woman spoke, “Do you own this shop, dear? It seems like quite a feat for such a young woman.”

Scratching her cheek, Petra turned her gaze from the women to Levi, “Actually, it’s-“

“Co-owner; we manage the shop together,” Levi cut in, “would you like to order some tea?”

Nosy women were some of his least favorite people to deal with. Nosy women were all he ever dealt with at the height of his military career. They were unavoidable, that much he knew; and he’d have been a moron to think this business would not attract such women these. So for the sake of the business, he’d muster just enough politeness rather than telling them in his crude fashion just where they could stick their long beaks.

“What would you recommend?”

“Well,” this time Petra cut in, “my personal favorite is black tea. And we have plenty of different blends of that, though the last week or so I’ve been drinking a cup of green tea in the mornings. It’s refreshing, energizing, and a good way to start the day, I think.”

The four women began to lightly chatter amongst each other, and within a few moments, one of them spoke again.

“Very well; we’ll each have that then.”

Petra beamed, excited for their first sale.

“We’ll get started on that then. Pick a table and we’ll have it brought out to you,” she said, before turning towards Levi to speak, brows raising in surprise as she hadn’t even noticed the couple that had come in, now discussing their orders with him.

--------------

The day had kept them busy, a handful of townsfolk passing through just for a look, while majority of their visitors came for both a look and a taste of what HumaniTea had to offer. It was nice, Petra had thought, to see so many different faces, and yet she realized just how exhausting meeting so many new people could be. Exhausting, but exciting to see just how well their first day had gone, and how many people left satisfied and eager to return another day.

It was nearly 3pm, closing time for their shop, their last customer, another older woman, paying for the tea and biscuits she had just finished.

“You look quite familiar, young man, have we met before?” she asked Levi, handing over a few bills and coins.

“No, don’t think so,” he responded, placing her payment inside the till.

The woman looked him over a few long moments, sure she had met or even seen him previously, though could not place her finger on where. Her eyes glanced from him, to Petra, and with a smile, she spoke again.

“Your wife is lovely, and has excellent taste with her tea recommendations.”

“Ah-ha, I-oh no, ma’am, I’m not his wife,” she managed to quickly say, her cheeks hot and heart thumping in her chest. Dumbfounded at the woman’s words, she was unsure whether to be flattered by her compliments or embarrassed by her assumptions.

“Oh, what a shame. You’d make for such a lovely couple. Perhaps there’s hope for the future,” the woman said with curl of the corner of her lips and a hint of amusement in her eyes as she left the shop.

 After what seemed like an eternity (granted, the woman did walk with a cane and very slow at that,) a cough sounded from the raven haired former captain, snapping Petra out of her mortified trance.

She turned to him, face still flushed and unsure of what to say.

“I-“

“Let’s start cleaning up,” Levi said, walking towards the entrance to bring in their sign and lock the door.

Petra sighed, picking up a cleaning cloth for the tables to start working, too preoccupied with her own embarrassment to consider that perhaps he was just as equally.

Silently they worked, washing and wiping and prepping for the next day. It had taken them another hour and a half, but once again, the shop was in the same pristine shape it had been the moment they opened the doors that morning. Petra’s embarrassment was long gone, instead now replaced by the joy and sense of accomplishment that came from a successful first day.

“We did it,” she spoke, looking out the shop’s window as Levi counted out the money in the till.

“We did.”

“Everyone seemed to really like the shop as well.”

“They did.”

Silence fell over them once again, Petra watching fondly as a young boy walked past the shop, hands clutching the side of his mother’s skirt.

“I know this was only the first day but…I’m really glad I came with you,” she said, a soft smile gracing her lips.

He did not respond, continuing to count out the day’s earnings. Petra remained at the window, watching, a few minutes passing before finally turning away, stepping back in slight surprise to see he had finished counting and had started to approach her.

“Do you…” he started, taking pause in his words for a moment and tucking a leather pouch in his hands under his arm.

“I know we had already planned for dinner tonight but if you wanted, we could go somewhere…nicer than the pub…”

Petra bit her bottom lip before curling it into a grin.

“Captain…are you asking me out on a date?”

“Call it whatever you want, just give me a damn answer.”

She chuckled. Clearly he had used up all of his patience for the day.

“Yes, I would love that,” Petra said, her excitement for their success bubbling into excitement for something else.

[joopiterjoon]

Yoga Day 6

Welp, technically it is day... 20...

Because I didn’t practice for over a week.

Stuff happened.

Some of it is excusable and some of it is just an excuse. After Day 5, there were people to hang out with. I chose socialization and bettering my mental health over yoga, though I could have still made time for it. I felt guilty, but I also made needed connections with other members of my cohort who had access to resources, committees, etc.

Then came the excusable stuff. That week, I was also dealing with an emotional rollercoaster of realizing how unsatisfied I am with my life and also how trapped I am. I had days where I didn’t get out of bed, and meeting with my therapist only improved things a bit. Second, the massive fucking snowstorm. I am from North Carolina where we get two or three inches of snow all the time. So when Texas straight lost their shit over ice, I laughed... until I fell on the ice. On the first day of freezing temperatures... and bruised my tailbone and wrist.

So, I had to pause on the yoga. Then, my apartment lost power and water. I stayed at a friends until things blew over, and now I’m back home.

And I told myself get your fuckin ass on that mat!

By god, do I need yoga!

My posture was KILLING ME! Every morning that I woke up on my friend’s couch, I thought, I need yoga. My core was a mess, I had a strange pain in my side from over correcting, and my hip muscles were so tight.

30 minutes on the mat and I feel so much better!

So I’m really proud of myself for recognizing yoga could help me and actually DOING the yoga (even though I forgot several times today).

I’ve also find a rhythm as of today. In the morning, I have to sit down and work while I have the energy. If I do yoga at night, I feel oddly energized but also too exhausted. So, I’m doing yoga after my “work day” ends (any teacher understands the quotations around work day... it never ends). That way, when I feel refreshed after yoga, I still have time to do other things for me like write and organize and such.

We did a bunch of core stuff for Day 6 of Breathe. I found that despite the break, I still had the meager balance I’d been building. While Adriene said nothing creepily relevant to my life today, I was glad to see her. I’m hoping that while I deal with admitting the fact that I don’t like many things in my life right now, my interest and passion for yoga will continue to grow.

This post is oddly optimistic, and I blame the yoga!

[beyondthetemples-ooc]

...I don’t know where to put this...

...I meditated. After connecting with my soulforms (especially laz’i), and the Nexus-met avatar of Peace....

Introspective.

My stomach has been in a lot of pain, physical burning and cramping and stinging and rubbed-raw lactic-acid-and-something-else PAIN. The automatic “healing” protocol. (Last night’s episode was... especially bad, due to certain... elements, triggering ten minutes of an unending gag-reflex, and all day i’d been fighting the nausea on the “When Is It Happening” level... ;; and when it finally Was Happening, it was relentless, desperate, and it hurt to hell.....

...it broke me down to tears.)

And I woke up, still in pain and tension and exhaustion and sickness and whole-body aches, and the mentally raw-rubbed feeling of phobia panic.... 

I took my meds, reading to distract myself... Reading from my mirror-book entries to try finding peace, and comfort.

I always find peace, with Her, really....

...But then, I curled up more on instinct than intention, and wrapped my hands around me, and sought the sources of my pain.

Healing meditation? Energy healing? Whatever; it was instinctive, and it’s much harder to heal myself than another, for some reason.

The energies near my stomach (not just the “solar plexus” “chakra” place, but the energy channels around it) felt BLACK. What should have been burning like embers and fire and a lively spiraling vortex of energy, was dark and nearly lifeless, barely in motion. (Paralyzed? That was the instinct. And now I really do think I need to talk to the GE specialist about gastroparesis....;; )

..but it felt like there was an Awful Residue there. (This is typical to a degree; as an empath, it’s always my stomach that gets hit and debilitated when I’m “overwhelmed”, absorbing more than I can process. The stomach is the processing center. For myself, and for what I absorb from others. I’ve long known that my nausea was associated with empathic issues...)

...but this didn’t feel like Stuck On residue, or something External. I followed its source, and... my own energy channel was producing this muck? Not “toxic” exactly, but... flat, useless, inert, building up. I energetically “cleared out” what I could, soothed the pain, stimulated the refreshing/healing around my stomach tissues (internal, lining, and external). Swathed a protective barrier over them, where I could.

Then I did some detective work. Followed it as far as I could, energetically  “feeling it out”, and it feels like the channels that produce the lively-swirling-vortex energies are... also dark, changed. Like something was infecting them, or changing them... and still further, producing the muck. I followed it as far as I could, branching out in a few different directions... (Bile ducts? Pancreas/enzymes? Filae? Intestines?) 

But upwards, it was like there were “burrs”. (Something I’d... “swallowed”, from someone else, or some negative entity. I think it got there from an attempt and failure to process it during some overwhelming or another... I removed what I could.)

And then I swathed that area in soothing, then “reminding” and “change back” energies (because this isn’t what it should be like; not at all), and energizing / motion-inducing, then healing, then a “packet” to keep it going, then protection again.

I couldn’t find the “source” of the muck, or these changes. It feels like it’s excreting it wrongly, but I don’t know how, or why.

(It could be a secondary thing, rather than what’s CAUSING all the illness; it could be exhaustion, malnourishment, dehydration.... but it didn’t just feel “weak” and “less energetic” and “built less strongly”, like my energies feel when I’m hypoglycemic or dehydrated. It didn’t feel like a “reaction”. It felt CHANGED and DULL and WRONG to the core.

And I was brought out of the meditation shortly after. Messing around in my stomach made me feel sick again (...I’m so badly overstimulated in that area; even my own energies feel like a Bad Sensation;; .....)

I’d taken zofran less than an hour before, but my stomach felt like I’d be sick again. Like there’s something it needs to get rid of. A lot of the pain was actually soothed. But it STILL feels like there’s something in my stomach that my body wants to cast out. Like my own productions are the “muck” that’s making me ill.

I don’t understand any of this, and I don’t know what’s “changing” my energy channels or how “reliable�� this is as a reflection of my health... but that’s terrifying. I don’t know how to explain this to doctors. “I was meditating and everything was black and producing useless muck for energy. Any thoughts?”

...no. But paralysis, infection, alterations--? Genetic mutation in organ-based tissue, or ducts, or the surrounding tissue, can lead to malfunction.

It just feels like something is so dreadfully NOT as it should be. I didn’t feel any locations of SPECIFIC injury (ulcer; irritation; infection). I don’t think this is just “food sensitivity”, because the irritation they’ve always caused were wide-spread, but localized, and felt like an “active pain”, not a “this is Wrong” patch of... lifelessness;;;;

And this was on a PHYSICAL level, not the emotional “aura” that impacts the physical. That’s what’s scaring me. This was a “reading the energies directly from the body” thing. Causation from emotional or astral sources usually has an “echo” in the energies. Almost like a... coloration? I “read” it and I “hear” the emotion in them.

But this... .this had no color, no echo, no light or motion. I’ve been sick for two months now, and without any external causation that I could find. Even water makes me sick.

I feel like the black muck is causing some of the nausea, and part of the reason nothing, not even water or rice or soup broth, is sitting well in my stomach. The muck can’t do anything with it.

But WHY is it black muck? I think the cause is internal, I really do. But it’s scary because I don’t know how to fix this; the ultrasound of my gallbladder/pancreas/liver found nothing, a lower-abdomen ultrasound and CT scan found nothing. (They still haven’t studied my stomach, at all. But I suppose the emergency room isn’t going to seek chronic conditions unless it is literally threatening my actual immediate life.)

My pcp said something about checking my enzymes, and my mother said something about seeing an endocrinologist (studying the systems that produce your body’s chemicals, hormones and thyroid and such but ALSO digestive chemicals). But nobody wants to take these steps until I have an endoscopy.

(If they find a bacteria infection or an ulcer or something, I’m going to keep pushing to look DEEPER, because I’ve had this issue to a much lesser degree my ENTIRE LIFE. Something is devastatingly wrong, and I can’t find what’s causing it.)

I don’t know what any of this means, but I know it needs fixed, and taking the pain away and taking meds for the nausea is only “patching up” the symptoms, rather than removing the root cause.

I badly need to get to the root of it... for my health, my mental state, hell it’s even affecting my will to live on some days. I need this to stop.... Gods help me, we NEED to find out what’s wrong.......

[weightloss18-blog1]

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[jaosh-logbook]

LOGBOOK ENTRY#1 PALAWAN

7-5-18

5:35AM — We are on our bus to Clark International Airport and we almost left Gina behind because she was late. I mean what’s good Gina? There’s nothing new here hahaha! Things are getting pretty exciting, minus what happened with those three taxis with Ryan. We also got a discount from the Genesis Bus for being PAL customers! It’s surely is an adventure for us. This is the first time I saw the sun rise while I am inside a bus, this is amazing. Pale skies turned into blue eyes and the sun brought back the colors.

8:30AM — Early birds! We took over a bench and made it our own beds at the airport. We’re still waiting for Ferds because he’s got our hotdogs.

9:55AM — My heart is pounding like crazy at this moment. Besides my ID problem, Clark International Airport just had their last call for team Gina and I still have the nerve to type this down! I’m really nervous and anxious as fuck because we might miss our Palawan trip. Worse, I might not even join them because of my ticket problem.

10:03AM — We literally bolted through the security gates like crazy heads running for our lives! The marshals are pressuring us even more and we were throwing our things through the scanner. It was so funny what the fuck hahahaha! Once done, we ran to our vehicle to our plane. We looked like casts from the Amazing Race Philippines and did the walk of shame for being late to our seats.

10:20AM — Finally on our plane and the adrenaline rush was still pulsing through my body. I got more anxious as the plane got faster, this was the first time for me being concious to ride a plane. Lucky enough to be seated beside my best friend, whose left arm was crushed by yours truly. Sorry Dust haha!

10:40AM — At 44,000 feet, my long life dream to be with the clouds finally came true and I got the whole zoo on my stomach!

11:20AM — We were picked up by a driver who seems to be part of the Need for Speed cast for his driving skills. Busuanga, Palawan already looks fine as hell with these views and the cold weather! Nothing will top Palawan’s greetings with its rainfall. Manila rain can choke. Everything’s going North so far!

12:30PM — Finally arrived at Ryan’s home and the vibe is nothing but warm and welcoming. Food is great. Like reaaaaaally fucking great. View is amazing and the people are so nice. His mom prepared a house for us to stay in. Yes dude, a fucking house. We all took our naps and recharged our energy for another adventure!

10:16PM — Ryan’s mom cooked us the best first dinner at Palawan! All fish and veggies. Lerma is already shaking. We also did some short grocery at the bayan where we met some locals, aunties and friends of Ryan. It’s a small town and people know each other. They are so nice, they always tell us to enjoy our stay in Busuanga. We spent the night drinking mixed alcohol from a blender and playing cards. Okay well they played cards, I don’t know how to play. Someone also cried and poured his/her heart out but I will never tell who it is. It was the best way end our first night, I think this trip will be nothing but memorable and definitely one for the books. The logbook lmao.

7-6-18

8:07AM — We are on a boat to Calauit Safari to meet some MOTHER FUCKING GIRAFFES. My heart is too excited, I’ve always wanted a pet giraffe since I was little but my mom said giraffes are not domestic animals. Yeah, sure mom. My first island boat experience was a cleansing experience. I don’t know why I used the term cleansing. It’s not like I dipped my face in the water or anything, It just felt like the wind is washing something from my past.

8:50AM — I’VE PET AND FED THE GIRAFFES. My heart was so overwhelmed I was smiling from ear to ear. Two giraffes ate at my hand on the same time. Their tongues are kinda rough, long and it has the color of an aged eggplant. Another life-long dream came true, I love Palawan already!

10:21AM — We left Calauit Safari and we are now on our way to a beach to have our lunch. At the safari, we also saw some zebras, monkeys, snakes, turtles, crocodiles and even a porcupine. Our tour guide gave us a porcupine spike as a remembrance for our trip. I kept it behind my phone for luck lol

12:53PM — We had our lunch at a restaurant by the beach called Palatpat. Our food was made by Ryan’s family friend, we ate and dipped our feet at the beach. The view is amazing. It was so funny because from a distance you can see a storm approaching and we did not mind it at first. After a few minutes we took lots of pictures before a heavy storm locked us in our cottages. We were cold and stranded so we just watched our videos from the safari. And also, we discovered that Gina called the giraffes kangaroos hahahaha!

7-7-18

10:29AM — This view of the ocean is really breathtaking. It was drizzling a little bit and the raging waves said hello as we arrived on the dock. We were supposed to go to the famous Black Island, but sadly the current is too strong. I honestly thought it was passable, but tita said our boat might flip and I honestly don’t mind that lmao

11:40AM — We went to the Concepcion Falls instead where I ate a lot of crabs and did not get sick. I fucking love it here. Palawan got me eating crabs! We also met Merissa, who’s a 22-year-old backpacker from California doing her research. She joined us in our stay at the falls.

1:15PM — We took a refreshing swim. The water was cold but it was definitely rewarding. I felt as if the falls was cleansing me from something I was hoping to be free from. But I honestly don’t know what it is but I feel great. Oh and my friends are simply the best, they make this trip extra ordinary.

10:53PM — Sleeping beside your best friend is all fun until he becomes this big scared dweeb. Dustin was so afraid of our ghost stories he squeezes himself beside me and grabs my blanket. He’s not really brave when it comes to this stuff haha! So of course we made fun of him and took advantage. A weakness has been revealed!

7-8-18

5:30AM — Shit! Shit! Shit it’s 5:30AM and I’m already running from Ryan’s house to the church here in Busuanga. I cannot be late for church so I ran like I’m running for the marathon of my life! It was so far and I had no choice but to bolt.

7:37AM — Ferds and Ryan waited outside the church for me. I was surprised to see them there. We went to buy pandesal for breakfast, went to a basketball court and back to the dock. At the dock I saw a sleeping dog under the sun that reminded me of how my Bella loves to do that back home.

12:43PM — We are on a speed boat to an island for lunch, it’s a place called Alfaro. Seriously, I’m still shocked at the fact that you need to go to an island just for lunch hahahaha! Man I hope I live here. Alfaro is at the top of this small mountain and it has a pool that completes the relaxing-island vibe. I ordered squid for lunch of course and it was delicious as eff.

2:46PM — We then took a dip in the pool and enjoyed the every moment Alfaro has to offer. The view at the top takes you to a new level of comfort and peace. I looked far away and I saw a nice place that looked like a private mansion on an island. We all stared at it and dreamed to have our own island one day hahaha! Wish we can go there but I doubt it. They played a game in the pool where the three boys cheated hahaha! We then washed ourselves together in a bathroom and I’ve exchanged sandos with Dustin on our way home.

11:30PM — We drank alcohol again and this time I wanted to get sleepy drunk so that I could feel well rested by the morning. Is that weird? Anyways, we drank and played a corny version of never have I ever and Ferds was so funny with his shit. I then realized that I woke up today at 5:30 in the morning and was so tired from our activities. I then decided to sleep early and ditch my friends who are still chatting.

7-9-18

8:10AM — I woke up with a little hang over (lol at my plan to be well rested) so I decided to do some exercise and stretch out a little bit outside our home.

9:10AM — Today we are about to go hiking to the viewdeck of Busuanga and I’m sure as scared and excited for this activity. Another first for me!

10:16AM — After climbing, stepping on slippery rocks, holding on trees and a couple of mosquito bites, we finally reached the top before the rainfall. The view was covered by the rain and a thick fog, 0% visibility at its finest! We were drenched and frozen from the rain so we huddled in one corner at the viewdeck and waited for the storm to calm.

10:36AM — The rain stopped and the fog cleared, the view of Busuanga was uncovered right in-front of our eyes. It was so fulfilling to climb and witness this view! We took lots of pictures and videos. It was pure and genuine joy for me. I absorbed every moment at the top, just self-reflecting what I have done for the past years and pondering what I wanted to be free from. I whispered, “Come what may.” before leaving the place.

11:20AM — We are now going down from the viewdeck and I think it is much more difficult to go down than to go up. The way was slippery because of the rain and it became more steep. Dustin and Ryan both fell on their asses as we go down and I managed to go down with zero falls. A King, I know. Do we stan? Yes we do. lol hahahaha jk.

1:50PM — After preparing and having our lunch at Ryan’s house, we went to our home and took a shower. We also took our power nap before doing our laundry and preparing for our fishing activity.

2:22PM — So this is what it feels like to take naps with your best friends during the afternoon. I felt like a kid who took a mandatory nap with his best friends, getting energized for another adventure. Dustin can sure get extra sleepy and baby-ish at the same time tho, I’ll give you that. Ryan went missing.

6:05PM — We were peacefuly doing our laundry while waiting for Ryan’s arrival at his house. We planned to go fishing after our hike earlier, but it’s getting late and Ryan cannot be reached. Out of suprise, tita arrived with a van waiting outside. Suddenly everyone was in a rush, it turns out we were going to Busuanga Bay Lounge and Ryan did not inform us! WHO’S SHOOK? BITCH WE ALL ARE. WHERE’S RYAN? WHERE ARE WE GOING? WHAT ARE WE BRINGING? THIS IS NOT IN THE PLAN, WE WERE SUPPOSED TO GO FISHING HAHAHAHA

6:30PM — After panicking, running and preparing around the house, it started to rain and we are now on the van tracking Ryan’s whereabouts in the town. Finally the signal returned and we were able to contact him. We found him in a kubo with two of his friends eating lomi. It turns out Ryan was not informed too and the signal was to blame for no messages can come through. I forgot to mention that there was literally no signal in the island, you are lucky if you encounter a place with a good reception.

7:11PM — Busuanga Bay Lounge - okay so this place is hella expensive. Like waaaaay expensive. I was not prepared for this restaurant by the dock or in other words, I AM SHOOK. We’ve seen this place from the Alfaro view the other day, this was the mansion we were admiring from a far! It’s funny how we were just wishing to go here the other day and now we are actually here. Breathing! Me and my friends were exchanging looks and laughing because of the menu and its price range. We were laughing because we are not used to fine dining, for Pete’s sake we eat at Hepa Lane you guys. That’s our thing, our brand lmao

8:01PM — I had this deep talk with Dustin out of nowhere after dinner. We talked about our separate plans after college, our time together and some more stuff we don’t usually talk about. I like it when I have deep conversations with people, specially this douchebag, because it’s rare. I was not able to say some of the things that I want tho, but I hope he knows how much he means to me as brother, all of them. Food was amazing by the way. It was worth the price if you were wondering

7-10-18

1:35PM — We made fishing rods out of plastic bottles, nylon strings and hooks for our activity this afternoon. We are finally fishing! We went to the dock and I picked up a rod on the way. They said someone owns it so I was worried I will be in trouble for taking it, but I took it anyway to the dock with me. Pasaway.

2:16PM — We were on the same dock where we were supposed to depart for Black Island. I recognized the place because of the mini tower at the sea near the dock. The only thing different this time is that the sea level is low and I think the tower on the sea can be reached.

2:31PM — Dustin caught a fish! He got so excited after his first catch. A master of the sea? Does this have something to do about Dust being from Navotas? The Fishing Captial of the Philippines. I don’t know hahaha but he caught a real fish alright! He even got the gang more excited and energized! I did not hold back, I wanted to catch one too!

3:00PM — It started to rain really hard and the rain drops were hitting our skin like pebbles. The wind and the waves grew strong but our energy grew stronger, we did not leave the dock. We continued fishing and I have felt so alive in that moment. It was surreal! Fishing during the storm by the dock made me feel no fear, I was unstoppable.

3:15PM — I have no photos of this moment but we went to the mini tower I was talking about and went back to fishing again. It was still raining hard and the dock was slippery because of the moss, it was an exciting adventure for everyone! We’ve felt so happy we don’t mind getting injured lmao!

3:45PM — After the rain, we went back to the higher ground of the dock and walked back home. I returned the rod I have borrowed earlier to the same place. Dustin was carrying his catch and the others were all tired and happy from our fishing adventure.

5:00PM — We cleaned and piled ourselves on the couch and watched Master Chef at Ryan’s house. Tita arrived from work with these delicious pizzas and pastas from her friend. I was skeptic at first on the taste but Palawan keeps on delivering surprises! The pizzas and the pastas were amazing! The flavors are on point. Others should take notes! We rewarded ourselves for fishing today by eating a lot. Like a lot!

7:30PM — We were still full from our merienda but we have no choice but to eat dinner because tita cooked crabs! I fucking love it here. Happiness never ends, and when I say happiness I mean food! We then realized that it was our last dinner together in Busuanga for our trip at Ryan’s house and it was kinda sad to think about. We ate our feelings that night, we were introduced to the famous Coconut Cake. Let me just get real with everyone here. You have to eat this cake before you die. It’s so good I’m not even exaggerating anything here! I wish I could take this cake home and give my family a slice. They’re missing this back at home!

8:40PM — Still full but it did not end there. Tita and Ferds opened these freshly picked coconuts and we drank and ate it all. It was delicious, it made Gina and Dustin go number 2 hahahaha! Tita is just the sweetest and most genuine, she wants us to rest early for our early trip to Coron tomorrow. That’s when it hit us that it was our last night in Busuanga with tita.

7-11-18

7:05AM — Tita rented a van for us to ride to Coron. I was seated beside Dustin and I immediately fell asleep because we were up so early. We left Busuanga with my eyes open at 25%.

7:30AM — We arrived at our new place and we prepared for our tour. We were not yet allowed to check in so I changed my outfit at the lobby. After changing my shorts, I saw the cctv camera pointing exactly at me and I screamed and we all laughed hahahaha! That was so stupid but I have no regrets hahaha! To Jasmine’s Place of Coron, please don’t leak me online. No one wants to see me that looool

7:55AM — We chose to have breakfast in a mini carinderia where they serve surprisingly delicious and tasty breakfast. For P85.00 I got one longanisa, one egg, one hotdog with rice and a cup of coffee. That was my first breakfast in Coron.

9:05AM — We arrived at the dock where we boarded a boat for our island hopping tour. Our tour guides are locals who are very good at their job and are very kind. When the captain asked for a volunteer for a picture, I immediately raised my hand and took the chance. He was good at taking pictures, even better than some of my friends hahaha!

9:43AM — Our first destination was the Green Lagoon. It was definitely a beautiful moment. The rock formation is really unbelievable and this view just takes you out of the zone. We took lots of pictures on the boat and we dipped in the lagoon and experienced the refreshing salt water. We got that vitamin sea game now haha!

10:19AM — We are off to our next destination and Dustin placed his leg above mine like he always does. He does this when he is too comfortable with the people he is with. I’m gonna miss this little things about this goof.

11:07AM — We arrived at the famous CYC Beach and we were told to be careful as there are sighting of sea urchins and jelly fish. When I got off the boat, I jumped to the water and swam the fuck away in fear of steppin on a sea urchin. Ain’t nobody got time to go to a hospital today, that’s not happening haha!

11:19AM — We were playing with the sand and I said, “Guys gusto ko na malibing.” My friends were like, “Same.” hahahaha! They all dug a whole beach grave for me. How supportive.

11:22AM — While they were busy digging, me and Ryan saw some beach dogs nearby and we immediatley petted them. I never imagined that one day I’ll be at a beach with some dogs.

11:30AM — My friends are assholes! They left me burried as our captain called everyone back to the boat haha! I had to rise up from the dead alone and run on water naruto style to the boat.

11:55AM — Our captain and his team cooked a lot of dishes for us. They cooked fish, liempo, some sea weeds, steamed veggies, oysters, salted eggs with tomatoes and more! Surprisingly, everything taste so gooood! Like restaurant-quality good!! And the most impressing part is that they cooked everything in our boat while sailing. THIS IS THE LIFE, MAN!

12:20PM — I think I’m pregnant after eating a lot for lunch. Patay-gutom jael was satisfied, guys. We are sailing to Kayangan Lake and they said it’s far away from where we are so we’re sailing for some amount of time. The weather turned cloudy and the vibe is just peaceful and surreal. I closed my eyes and listened to the waves splashing our boat before falling asleep.

1:03PM — I know I have been talking about all of the sights and sceneries here in Palawan, but the one above Kayangan Lake is THE VIEW OF THE TRIP. It made me realize that I have been living and doing a lot of firsts again in the past few days. I know that the past 4 years of my life has been a roller coaster, this trip is like a big pat in my back saying “hey, you do you. you did great and you deserve the world.”

1:40PM — We had the entire lake for ourselves. The water is so clear and fresh it is as if the Pokémon, Celebi, lives here. We have to wear our life vests all the time because the lake was very deep. We swam further and floated, just staring at the sky and thinking. I know I sound like someone from a book, but don’t you crave for that experience? just floating, flowing and allowing everything as you pause from the world. It felt like that.

2:05PM — The lake was covered with fog as it started to rain. Kayangan Lake started to look like a place from the Jurrasic World, I was really hoping for a big monster to come out of that big stone formation in front of us and roar really loud. I think I’m imagining too much but I have always been this way and I think a lot of people should too.

2:55PM — We are now on the middle of the sea again. We were looking through the corals below us and I can see from a far that a heavy rain was headed towards us. Everything was slowly fading as it goes inside the fog and the rain. I was outside our boat when it reached us and that rain felt gooooood for some reason. I went inside and we sailed through the cold rain back to the dock.

3:45PM — We thank our captain and his team for doing such a great job. I wish I could do what they are doing someday. Meeting and exploring with new people everyday is something I’ve always wanted to do. At the dock, we bought refrigirator magnets as pasalubongs. And yeah we cheap like that.

4:05PM — So me and my friends decided to go to this famous hot spring in Coron to cleanse us from the sea water right after we landed at the dock. We went back to our hotel to get some money and we did not even change our clothes, we were too excited.

4:24PM —

[silenceconsumes]

Why I missed a day.

So I obviously missed my entry last night but I consider why I missed it a fairly good reason. Before I get in to why I missed it though I need to jot down how I am going to make up for it. Normally I would write two seperate entries and post them a few minutes apart from each other but this time I'm going to just write a longer entry and count it as both entries. It might be a bit of a cop out to some but I think given the situation that it'll be alright.

So... why did I miss my entry last night... to make a rather long explanation brief my Uncle Lonnie is in really rough shape and the doctors don't know if he'll pull through. There isn't any love lost between him and I, but my Dad is taking it really hard. That, and my difficulty empathizing and sympathizing with people, has made it hard for me to connect with my Dad about the situation. I needed advice on what to do, how to connect with him so that I could to try console him. So I asked Ashley since she seems really good at it and she told me that, while she couldn't give me an exact answer, that I needed to make sure he knew I was there for him. That some people need to be alone for a bit while others want to reminisce about the good times so they can work through it. Dad enjoys telling stories so I asked him if he would like a drink. He agreed and asked for tequila (surprise I know lol). I ran into some friends at the store and we bullshitted for a bit. When I got back Dad and I sat down and talked about how I have difficulty connecting to people at times. I apologised to him for earlier in the day when, looking back, I probably made him feel bad. I didn't mean to but it happened so I felt like I should probably let him know I felt bad about it and that I would try to do better. After that we each opened our bottles (his tequila and my rum) and set in to a steady rhythm of stories. He seemed to really enjoy it and between that and the liquor we were both laughing pretty dang hard. I have to admit, when he wants to he can drink fairly quickly. He even gave me a run for my money. I was both impressed and slightly worried.

This morning was a different story however. I woke up feeling great: refreshed and energized, ready to take on the day. He, on the other hand, woke up with a massive hangover. I felt really bad for him. He took it well enough though. We went out to eat for breakfast and each got an omlette. He had a couple bloody marys (hair of the dog the bit ya and all that) so he started feeling reasonably better. Then we went around and paid off some bills, hit up the mailbox, all that fun stuff. I think he just needs some sleep at this point. Another night to kinda recharge his batteries if you will.

Well that's where I'll leave the end of what SHOULD have been last nights journal entry.

Tonights entry will consist of me bragging that I may have found another hair oil to help tame the frizz. And the bright side is it smells pretty damn good too. I just wish my hair would grow past this awkward 'damned if you do, damned if you dont' phase. Its just long enough to always be in the damn way. Long enough start to curl, but not long enough to fall into ringlets or anything. Its actually really freaking annoying. I can't wait until its long enough to pull back and braid. Then we'll see how it looks. If nothing else I can always cut it off later. But lets get to the point where seeing it is an option first.

Lets see... what else is there to cover... still making plans for Valentine's Day weekend. I believe I decided on a place to take Ashley. I need to call and make reservations for us. I'll probably call tomorrow or Monday. The activity I won't have to call for though. I just hope she gets the day off so we can have a full day. Either way Im still wanting to take her out for dinner. If I'm being honest with myself? I'm super nervous. Excited! But nervous. I have butterflies in my stomach and I just want everything to go right. I would say perfect, but thats not a thing. Plus, the unexpected makes for a much more memorable night.

I should wrap up this entry for tonight though. Not only am I running out of stuff to put down, but I'm reasonably groggy-headed. I've been trying to fight off a migraine for the past few days. And while the pain has been managable, its making it hard to concentrate on writing/talking and I'm having auras around sources of light including my phone.

Journal Entries #29 and #30 00:53, Sunday Febuary 4 2018

Will

[kidnobu]

I keep on telling myself it's just a moment in time

It'll pass

But that doesn't make it feel better

I've never felt like this for this long

I don't know why either

Or maybe I do but I just don't want to admit it to myself

This is a trip

Just trying to put all the pieces back in place

I woke up good

Hella feeling myself and someone I lost it

Maybe I just burned myself out

I've been thinking about that

I've been so happy for such a long time I feel like a fuse just burned out

Something in my head just said

No Mothafucker we can't do this forever and it fizzled out hahahaha

The universe hasn't been vibing to my frequency

I need to re-energize if that's a word

I think I'm gonna go hit up the homie Prophet soon

Shits been upside down

I think I need to reset myself

Restart

Refresh

Start Over

New everything

New

😁

Don't know what but NEW

Definitely need to sit down with Prophet

Time to move backwards

Time to move backwards

Backwards

😁😉😏

You Can Do Anything But Move Backwards

We moving Backwards

I think I'm Emotional attached to the wrong things

[almajonesnjna]

What Happened When I Ditched My Alarm Clock For A Week

This article was originally published on Thrive Global. Most people wake up to the sound of an alarm, and I’m no exception. Every morning, my phone blasts a siren in my ear informing me it’s time to get up. It’s an abrupt way to start the day. Recently I noticed that I was actually waking up before my alarm went off, and my morning routine looked something like this: wake up, look at the clock, see I had fifteen more minutes until my alarm was going to sound, then roll over and go back to sleep before being rudely awoken fifteen minutes later by the blaring of my alarm. It almost goes without saying that this left me feeling groggy and annoyed as I pulled myself out of bed, wishing I was still asleep. Having read how waking up naturally is better for you because it doesn’t interrupt your sleep cycle (which leaves you with that half-asleep but wishing you were still fully asleep feeling), I figured it was time to say goodbye to my alarm.

For one workweek, I tried waking up every morning without setting an alarm. I did have a fail-safe though — a roommate whose alarm usually goes off around 7:45 a.m., the same time I normally get up, so I knew that I wouldn’t sleep through the day. Here’s how my experiment turned out. DAY 1

Setting an alarm for the morning is engrained into my nighttime routine, so not setting one last night felt not just weird, but unsettling. Even with the security of knowing my roommate wouldn’t let me oversleep, I still woke up at 5 a.m., then 6 a.m., then 6:30 a.m., glancing at the clock to make sure I hadn’t accidentally slept until noon. My last anxious clock-check was at 7:20 a.m., earlier than I usually get up but I figured I’d start my Monday with some extra time. Even with my clock-checking, I felt recharged and ready for the day, helped by the fact that I went to bed at 10:30 p.m. last night. DAY 2

I started clock-watching around 6 a.m. Even so, when I naturally woke up at 7:10 a.m., I felt refreshed. It feels good to wake up when my body is ready to instead of rising at the command of an alarm. DAY 3

My morning stress level is way down. I didn’t watch my clock as much this morning as I did on Days 1 and 2, but the change went beyond just waking up naturally at 7:15 a.m. I went through my morning routine feeling relaxed and in control. I even had enough time to open a book, something I never have time to do during a normal morning. DAY 4

The second-to-worst case scenario happened: I was jolted awake by my roommate’s alarm at 7:45, a horrible way to start my morning. I had gotten so used to getting up on my own that the sound was shocking. I dragged through the morning with less energy than I’ve had for the past few days. DAY 5

Yesterday’s situation left me so stressed about oversleeping that today, I reverted to clock watching. I started nervously checking at 6:30 a.m. — not great, but still better than the 5 a.m. clock watching that happened on the first day of my experiment. I got out of bed at 7:10 a.m., still happy not to be woken up by the sound of an alarm. SHOULD YOU TRY GETTING RID OF YOUR MORNING ALARM? Waking up on my own helped me ease into my mornings better. A month later, I still wake up alarm-free. I decided to set an alarm every night just in case, but I’ve woken up naturally 10 to 30 minutes before it ever goes off. Plus, I no longer watch my clock in the morning. Instead, my body seems to know when it’s time to get up and start the day. I recommend giving it a try.

Since making this change in my morning routine, I feel more energized that I did before I ditched my alarm. On the one or two occasions when my just-in-case alarm has woken me up, I feel groggy for the majority of the day. It’s been eye-opening to see just how big of an effect my alarm has on how I function. Next time you see you have 30 minutes before your alarm sounds, instead of rolling over and trying to fall back asleep, get up and start your day on your own terms. It revolutionized my mornings, it might do the same for you.

The post What Happened When I Ditched My Alarm Clock For A Week appeared first on Under Armour.

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