#I just think after years of torture Dean deserves to get **** *******

[paunchsalazar]

purgatory sandwich…

[marvelfanfn2187a113]

Hope

Sam and Dean Winchester & little sister!reader, Crowley & Winchester!reader (platonic)

Requested by anonymous

Synopsis: (very very loosely) set during 5x10 when Sam and Dean get killed and go to heaven (doesn’t follow cannon really)

Crowley took in the room before him, a pit opening up in his gut at the gruesome scene. Sam and Dean were splayed out on their respective beds, chests gaping open from near-identical bullet wounds. And then there was you.

The brothers’ young sister was sitting on the floor between the two beds, the demon-summoning ingredients in front of her. She was shaking from head to foot and her eyes were red-rimmed and wild with desperation. Her eyes met Crowley’s, and he nearly staggered back just seeing the haunted terror residing there.

“Darling…” Crowley’s voice was quiet, apologetic.

“You have to bring them back,” you whimpered. “Please.”

“I…I can’t,” he sighed. “Just because I’m king doesn’t mean I can just reanimate whoever I want. Not without…” Crowley stopped suddenly, but it was too late. Your eyes lit up with realization. “No,” Crowley said, but you were already nodding.

“I’ll do it,” you said. “You can have my soul, just bring them back!”

“It’s not that simple. If the demons find out that I brought their biggest threats back to life…” he was stalling, and you both knew it. He didn’t want your soul in hell, but he would never admit that.

“Please,” you pleaded. “Crowley, I-“ your voice cracked. “Please. I-I can’t live without them.”

Crowley looked from the boys’ dead bodies to you, then back again. You followed his gaze, your eyes settling on Sam first, then Dean.

“It was hunters.” Your lip quivered. “They-they said Sam was evil, and-and he had to be stopped. Then-then Dean recognized them, so they said that…” your voice cracked as tears slid down your cheeks. You took a deep breath before continuing. “They said they had to kill him, too, so that he wouldn’t come after them. De-Dean didn’t even care.” A sob wracked your body, and Crowley had to resist the sudden surprising urge to comfort you. “He didn’t care that they were gonna kill him, he-he just told them over and-and over not to kill me. I guess they thought I couldn’t be much of a threat.” You pulled your knees up to your chest, and your next sentence was so quiet that Crowley had to strain to hear. “I wish they got me, too.”

Crowley had been ready to leave you here, to turn down your deal and walk out and leave you with your brothers’ corpses. He didn’t want to make this deal, he didn’t want Sam and Dean screwing things up for him in hell, and he didn’t want you, just a kid, to give up your soul. You didn’t deserve hell.

But the last thing you said—your wish to die alongside your brothers.

Crowley couldn’t turn away from that.

“You’ve got yourself a deal.”

…

Crowley was gone before Sam and Dean opened their eyes. They sat up simultaneously, identical gasps leaving their throats as they breathed again for the first time.

You were off the floor and in their arms before they even knew what was happening.

…

“What happened?” Dean asked after he had gotten his bearings. “We were caught by Zachariah, how did we…” Dean caught sight of the summoning ingredients on the motel floor, and it hit him like a truck. Sam and him hadn’t gotten out by themselves.

“No…” Sam breathed, his gaze following Dean’s. “Y/N, no, tell me you didn’t.”

“Don’t pretend you wouldn’t have done the same,” was your response.

You flinched when Dean slammed his hand against the desk.

“What were you thinking?” He demanded.

“That I wasn’t about to let the two of you die,” you shot back.

“We could’ve gotten out ourselves!” Dean exploded. “The angels need us alive!”

“Yeah, but they would’ve tortured you until you said yes to Michael and Lucifer first!”

“How long did you get?” Sam’s quiet voice interrupted you and Dean’s shouting match. His tone sobered the room.

“A year.” Your voice was no longer strong or defensive. You were scared, and the boys could see it instantly.

“We’re gonna get you out of this,” Dean promised. “You’re not going to hell. I’m gonna call Crowley and—“

“Who do you think I made a deal with?” You sighed. “He may be the king of hell, but there’s only so much he can do. It was dangerous enough for him bringing you guys back as it was.”

“I don’t care,” Dean said. “He helped get you into this, he’s gonna help get you out.”

…

The year passed faster than anyone had anticipated. Crowley never answered when the Winchesters summoned or called, and they hadn’t been able to track him down or summon any other demons either.

You were on your last day, sitting on a motel bed next to your brothers, when he finally made contact.

“Hello, boys. Y/N.”

All three Winchesters nearly jumped out of their skins at the sudden appearance of the king.

“It’s about time, Crowley,” Dean growled. “We’ve been trying to contact you for—“

“Three hundred sixty-four days, twenty-three hours, and twenty-six minutes,” Crowley interrupted. “Y/N’s almost out of time.”

“Exactly,” said Dean. “Now fix your mess.”

“I can’t undo a deal, Squirrel.” Crowley couldn’t meet your eye as he spoke. “There’s nothing I can—“

While his gaze was focused on Dean, he didn’t notice Sam pulling out the demon knife until it was up against his throat.

“Then why are you here?!” Sam demanded.

“I can’t undo the deal,” Crowley said, his hands raised defensively. “Nor can I tell you about the hidden escape hatch out of hell. It would be utter treason for me to accidentally leave Y/N’s cell door in hell open in exactly seventeen hours and twelve minutes, when the guards change. It would be an affront of all I stand for to give you boys this address,” Crowley reached into his pocket and pulled out a piece of paper, handing it to Dean while Sam kept the knife on him. “It also wouldn’t be possible for me to tell Y/N to take two lefts and a right, and that the escape hatch is behind the giant rock shaped like a nose—trust me, you’ll see it.”

The trio of siblings was silent for several long seconds as they took in Crowley’s words.

“Why are you doing this?” Dean asked.

“I didn’t want to make this crummy deal in the first place,” Crowley sighed. “But you Winchesters are stubborn, so I made it. Now I’m doing the little I can to un-make it.”

The Winchester brothers began questioning Crowley about the specifics of the plan, but you remained silent. The men seemed to forget your presence until you suddenly interrupted them.

“So I still have to go to hell?”

All eyes turned to you.

“I’m afraid so,” Crowley said, still unable to look you in the eye.

“Dean?” Your pleading voice had your big brother in front of you in an instant. “Does…” your gaze focused on your fidgeting hands, and your voice came out in a tearful whisper. “Does dying hurt?”

Dean’s heart lodged in his throat. He wanted so bad to lie, to tell you that you wouldn’t feel a thing, and that you’d be reunited with your brothers before you knew it. But you didn’t want just assurance, you wanted the truth. You needed someone to trust more than you needed comfort. So he did the last thing he wanted to do; he told you the truth.

“Yeah,” Dean sighed heavily. “Yeah, it’s gonna hurt like crazy.” Dean’s hands found your fidgeting ones, and he held them tightly. “And those seventeen hours are gonna feel like a whole lot longer. And it’s—“ Dean’s voice cracked. “It’s gonna be real dark, and you’re gonna feel like the only person in the universe for a little while. Then the demons are gonna come, and it…it’s gonna be really bad for a while, kid.”

Tears were steaming down both of your cheeks now, but still Dean continued.

“But you just gotta hold on, ok? Hope is the only thing you’re gonna have down there, so you can’t let it go for anything, understand?”

“Ok,” you choked, holding Dean’s hands in a vice grip.

“Ok,” Dean forced a fleeting smile. “Good girl.” He pressed a kiss to your forehead. “You’re gonna be ok, alright?”

You nodded, leaning into your big brother’s touch.

Dean felt you flinch in his arms, and he pulled back to see you glancing around wildly.

“Did you hear that?” You breathed. You glanced up at Sam and jerked back, gasping in surprise.

“Hey, hey,” Dean tried to grab your arms, but you backed away from him, trembling. “What you’re seeing, it’s not real, ok? Y/N, it’s me.”

“I have to go, they can’t see me here.” Crowley was gone before anyone could comment.

“Y/N, it’s Sam.” Sam appeared on your other side. “It’s ok, you’re ok.”

“Baby close your eyes.”

You looked up to see Dean staring down at you.

“Just close your eyes,” he repeated. “It’ll be ok.”

You closed your eyes tightly before the hallucinations started again, your last visual memory being that of your big brothers holding onto you. You felt Dean’s hand squeeze yours, and your breathing turned to hyperventilating when you heard the hellhounds burst through the door.

Your instincts were screaming at you to open your eyes, but Dean seemed to read your mind.

“Keep your eyes closed, sweetheart. We’re right here, we’re not gonna leave you.”

You couldn’t help the terrified gasps that were escaping you, but you listened to your big brother and kept your eyes closed, even as you heard the vicious bark of the hellhounds.

Even as you felt their claws rip into your flesh.

You shrieked in pain, and you struggled to back away from the hounds, to no avail. But you never opened your eyes.

And you never let go of your brothers’ hands.

…

Seventeen hours later, Sam and Dean were waiting at the address that Crowley had given to them. Your body was laid out carefully in the back of the Impala, having been carried there by Dean. Dean told himself over and over again that you weren’t dead; they were just waiting to get your soul back to your body.

“Is there something we should be doing?” Sam asked, glancing around.

“Not according to Crowley,” Dean sighed. “He said as long as her body is here, and she gets through that escape hatch, it should be a done deal.”

The brothers had done what they could for your body; Sam had stitched up your wounds, and Dean had done a homemade blood transfusion using his own blood. They could only hope that your soul returning to your body would somehow help the more internal injuries that they couldn’t fix. Dean insisted that they do this, since Cas wasn’t around to heal your injuries, they didn’t know what state you would be in when you got back to your body.

“So we just sit he—“

Sam’s question was cut off when your body suddenly jerked upright, a deep breath filling your lungs.

“Y/N!” Dean was by your side immediately, Sam coming to stand beside him.

“Dean? Sam?” You were out of the Impala and in your brothers arms before you even finished getting their names out.

“Hey kid,” Dean breathed a sigh of relief as you relaxed completely in his arms. “Miss me already?” He quipped, but his forced easygoing tone dropped at your response.

“It felt so long.” You held Dean tighter and started to cry into his shoulder.

“I know, I know it did sweetheart.” Dean brought his hand up to cradle your head. “I know. You’re safe now, ok? We’re right here.”

“Hey,” Sam pulled you away from Dean and held you at arms length to look at you. “How do you feel?”

You touched the stitches running up your stomach.

“It feels sore, like-like it’s healing.”

“Ok.” Sam sighed in relief. “Ok.” He pulled you into his arms, letting you relax against him.

“Let’s get going,” Dean said. “We don’t need any demons figuring out what happened.”

Dean regretted his words when he saw you tense in Sam’s arms.

“Hey.” Sam noticed too, and he pulled away and brushed your hair away from your face. “We’ve got you, ok? You’re not going back to hell. Ever.”

For the first time in months, a smile found its way onto your face.

“Let’s hope so.”

Taglist:

@nyotamalfoy @mrvlxgrl

[scoobydoodean]

Could you elaborate on why you want season 8 Sam to die? It's been years since I watched that season ahah. I don't doubt that he deserves to, but I cannot remember why.

He saw Kevin be kidnapped and abandoned him to a life of torture without so much as telling his mother or another hunter or even the angels who would have had a stake in saving him.

His flashbacks are unbelievably awkward and boring. I'm supposed to care about the trash disposal he fixed while Dean is doing sexually charged battle scenes with Cas and Benny in Purgatory.

He gets together with a woman who accuses him of hitting a dog on purpose and implies that he's a white supremacist.

He tells Amelia he wants to fight for their relationship, but as soon as her ex husband suggests they should let her choose between them, he leaves her in the middle of the night, then after she's moved on, he comes back just to be a homewrecker.

He keeps saying he's going to leave the life as soon as the business with Kevin and the tablet is concluded and Dean needs to "let him go" (???) but also doesn't want Dean to have any friends besides him and demands Dean cut ties with Benny or else (while Dean is telling Sam to go back to Amelia if that's what he wants).

The entirety of "Citizen Fang", from sending a hunter he knows is mentally unstable to "keep an eye" on Benny to going along with Martin beating Dean over the head and chaining him to a radiator to keep him from interfering with the Benny witch hunt to pretending afterward like HE was the victim because Dean sent him a fake text from his ex to prevent Sam from MURDERING SOMEONE. To taking zero accountability for Martin or Elizabeth.

Dean tells Sam that he is suicidal and Sam insists on doing The Trials based on Dean's suicidality and says that he will survive The Trials and renew Dean's hope in living, then within two episodes he pretends that conversation never happened and basically tries to gaslight Dean for the rest of the season into thinking it didn't happen while also getting furious at Dean whenever he gets the slightest feeling that maybe Dean doesn't believe in him.

When Sam is sick, Dean takes care of him, bringing him food, getting his fever down, etc, and is treated like this makes him a piece of shit who doesn't "trust" Sam enough (????). Sam repeatedly projects feelings onto Dean that Dean doesn't even have and ridicules him for thought crimes.

While being furious that maybe Dean doesn't trust Sam more generally to have his back, Sam ignores that he has done everything possible to destroy Dean's trust, from abandoning him, Cas, and Kevin to die and presenting a deeply unfeeling exterior about it, to promising to survive The Trials then almost immediately telling Dean he's going to die and to get over it. He acts entitled to Dean's trust and on top of it, the expectations are one-sided. He is allowed to distrust Dean all day every day but Dean isn't allowed to distrust him ever.

All of this culminates in Sam "confronting" Dean for trusting other people besides Sam, having friends besides Sam who showed more loyalty and care to Dean than Sam has, and telling Dean he's jealous of his other relationships and all but flat out blaming him for the fact that Sam now wants to commit suicide.

In the aftermath he gets mad that Dean convinced him not to commit suicide by telling Sam that he loves him and it's all okay and he's there for him when Sam was literally blaming Dean for his impending suicide. He claims Dean "made him" make the wrong choice because he is incapable of ever taking accountability for anything.

Basically it's the worst things Sam's ever done dialed up to 11 and it doesn't stop the whole season and he is so thoroughly miserable to watch that he's almost unrecognizable to the point I joke about him being a podperson. Also see: #season 8 sam.

[lavenderleahy]

My husband joined me in my most recent rewatch of supernatural and we finally reached the finale. I refuse to watch it, but he did. Here is his reaction:

Recap didn’t have carry on 0/10

Daily life montage 8/10

Pie fest 5/10

Sam mourning more for Cass than Dean 0/10

Knife murderer that's just some guys 2/10

Still doing FBI gig after 15 years 2/10

Jack resurrected monsters 0/10

Dad's journal lol? 3/10

Weird monster torture porn 1/10

Ninja star setup 9/10

Clown Ambush 2/10

Jenny callback meh/10

Monologue Jenny kill 3/10

Spike through heart 0/10

Dean having to explain to Sam that he's dying -1/10

Dean's goodbye monologue opening 2/10

Dean telling Sam not to bring him back because "you know it always ends bad" -100/10

Dean's monologue closing 6/10

"I did not think this would be the day" yeah me neither/10

"I need you to tell me it's okay" 2/10

Head/hand touch weird/10

Jared crying unintentionally funny/10

Dean's funeral only attended by dog 1/10

Post Dean lonely Sam morning routine 7/10

Dean gets into Heaven 5/10

Bobby telling and not showing 0/10

"It's the Heaven you deserve" barf/10

Cass not stopping by to say hi 0/10

Does Dean's dad also have a copy of Baby or did Dean steal it?

Carry on finally 8/10

Old Sam very funny/10

Thank you to fans 10/10

No Ninja star payoff -9/10

Some notes: He is GA-ish, but he always listens when i pause and tell him about destiel. He doesn't actively ship destiel, but he perceives it. That being said, please don't judge him too harshly for spelling Cas wrong, he doesn’t know better.

[winpocalypse]

Would really love to hear your thoughts on the topic of Sam + purity & religion as it is one of the leading themes of his character. How do you think it reflects on his perception of Dean, of himself, and their relationship as a whole?

fair warning friend this will get long and i might not make sense at all!!

first, what i find so interesting about sam and religion is that it was probably the first choice he ever made for himself (and that backfires of course). usually with religious characters you have a background, their family taking them to church, they associate religion with fond memories or with restriction and violence so they want out. sam is born a hunter, his dad is after some demon, they do not have any sort of religious tradition, and even so, he goes and chooses to believe, to pray. he was the one after it, as a little kid. he probably learned a thing or two with pastor jim, but he was the one who picked faith and hope. "i mean i was just a kid, do you think i knew? that i wasn't clean?" john kind of reiterates that, i mean, he knew about sam, and sam tells us that john treated him differently, it didn’t matter what he did, it was never enough. he even had a confession when he was a kid (would have loved to see a scene for that btw missed opportunity) and that is heartbreaking because he tried so hard to hold on to religion and faith, we see this in s1 and s2, but ultimately religion fails him. the angels don't even see him as human, cas first refers to him as the boy with the demon blood, basically he’s just some tool, to break the seal, to get dean to say yes, to be the devil’s vessel. he goes, he stands by god's side, and they still don't spare him a glance. it is bleak to see the evolution of sam's hope to sam understanding nobody's coming to save him, not even his brother, who pretty much becomes the president of the "crucify sam" club.

and here comes the double standards. you see, when dean goes to hell, he's tortured, he tortures, he enjoys it, he breaks the first seal, but that never changes how he views himself or how sam views him. he’s feeling guilty and he’s traumatized, but he does not carry a religious burden. and all of his actions are justified because he did it to save sam. he’s still dean, but with more baggage. but the minute sam does some ambiguous shit because he wants to save people and get revenge for dean? he's a freak beyond understanding. dean is not the religious one but he does believe his brother's tainted. he even uses it against sam "why did an angel tell me to stop you?" he could not give three shits about the angels but he knows sam does. and even years after the events of s4, even after how many years of sam in the cage being tortured, dean still maintains this belief. when sam says “do you think i knew i wasn't clean?” his response is “it’s not your fault” not “you’re not unclean”. he even has a list of sam’s wrongdoings that he could confess, one of them being “coming back without a soul”, like my dude, i’m pretty sure he can’t be blamed for that. but it doesn’t matter. he sinned that one time, there’s not enough punishment for that- much like in christian beliefs: if you sin, you deserve to spend eternity in hell. sam crucified himself for the world, but he did not get the jesus treatment, he was not idolized or turned into a saint, simply because he was not considered pure enough. it doesn’t matter that all of it- the demon blood, being lucifer’s vessel- were not in his control. and the worst part is that sam believes it too!!!!

another thing, spn shows us that dean lacks faith and sam tries to hold on to it. but that doesn’t mean only religion. again and again we see dean’s lack of faith in sam (he shows faith one time and that is swan song so his brother could jump in the hole) while sam believes so much in his brother, even after some nasty events (hello panic room), and that creates an interesting dynamic. dean is not religious but he has such a fixed christian view of the world: there's bad and there's good. monsters are bad, hunters are good for getting rid of the filth (that's why it hurts so much when he says he would want to hunt sam). its all pretty black and white. the way he tries to save sam is by punishing him, and that’s pretty catholic of him, huh. now, sam views the world in shades of gray, he doesn’t believe all supernatural beings are monsters, he believes people change, he believes in redemption, and when he tries to save dean is usually by trying to talk, by believing in him. even though sam loses faith in god and angels, he never loses faith in dean, but because he is who he is, he needs to have faith in something, and that does some damage. because he’s going to take whatever dean gives him, he’s going to forgive whatever dean does. that leaves their relationship severely unbalanced. much like the relationship between god and his followers. god can do whatever, unquestioned, and the devotees are the one who will pay for daring to deviate from his wishes. and the sad thing is, they will not question it. 

[luci-in-trenchcoats]

Not My Brother

Summary: What happens when two guys looking exactly like you show up in your world yet no one bats an eye except the three of you? A whole lot of confusion. Especially when everyone keeps calling those guys you've never met before your brothers...

Pairing: None (features Dean Winchester, Beau Arlen & Ben/Soldiery Boy)

Word count: 8,600ish

Warnings: language, Soldier Boy's language, mention of torture, spoilers for Supernatural, The Boys & Big Sky

A/N: Here's the triplet fic! I wrote this basically a year ago and finally finished! Told from all 3 guys POV's. Enjoy!

_______

Beau

“I’ll be heading out in five,” I said, turning the corner with my eyes locked down onto a file. And smacking straight into a body. Poppernak bounced back, an apologetic look on his face.

“Sorry, boss.”

“It’s fine Pop. What’s…” I trailed off.

Sat in the two chairs in front of my desk were what appeared to be my fucking twins. One had shorter hair and a days worth of scruff on his jaw while the other’s hair was a tad longer than mine, a beard on display. He was a bit more muscular than the other one, which was saying something since they were both strong. The one with short hair was more of my body type, his green eyes flashing with a flicker of surprise at the sight of me but then nothing more. He shifted in his seat, his flannel shirt riding up in the back. 

Meanwhile the other one looked pissed as all hell, jaw clearly clenched. Unlike the other one in jeans and workboots, the angry one was in a pair of sweatpants and a zip up, his sneakers absolutely filthy.

None of this would have been alarming if not for the fact that I was not a fucking identical triplet.

“Nollins found your brothers fighting again,” said Poppernak as I noticed the little scrapes on their cheeks and knuckles. “We brought ‘em to you per instructions.”

“Right…” I said, Poppernak staring at me. Was I hallucinating or something?

“You want to charge them?” he asked just as Hoyt walked into the doorway with a file in hand. 

“I need a signature…well if it ain’t the Arlen boys,” she grinned, looking at my clones sat in the chairs. “Let me guess, Ben started it.”

“I did not!” said the angry one. The short haired one quickly argued against that, Jenny giving me an apologetic smile.

“I thought Ben and Dean were getting along better lately?” she whispered as she held out a file and pen to me.

“Uh, guess not?” I said, quickly scribbling on the form she wanted me to sign. “I need to deal with this.”

“Night guys! Behave for your brother for once,” she said, giving them a quick wave. Poppernak left behind her, allowing me to shut the door and lock it after them. I closed my eyes and spun around, the two men still sat there. Oh god, I was losing it.

“What the fuck is going on!” I said. Dean and Ben shared a look as I held up a finger. “Ah. I know what’s happening. I’m having a stroke. Oh! I bet I slipped on that damn front step that’s been wet all day. I slipped and hit my head and now I’m dying on the ground somewhere. Huh. That’s sad. I never got to get Emily that motorcycle like I wanted. Is she going to cry at my funeral? Stupid question. Of course she’s going to cry. God, I hope she’s not too upset. Poor baby doesn’t deserve-”

My face was suddenly tingling, Ben standing there with his hand clenched as I cupped my cheek.

“You punched me!” I said, the pain feeling way too much like a real hit. “What kind of near-death hallucination is this!”

“Stop being a fucking pussy and man up. You think I’m happy about losing my powers? You don’t see me being a bitch and crying about it,” said Ben. Dean yanked him back, pointing a finger at him. “You want to go again?”

“Shut up and sit your ass down!” Dean growled. He rolled his eyes, turning to me with a friendly enough smile. “Relax dude. You’re not dying, okay? I have a good idea of what’s going on and if I’m right, me and jackass over here will be out of your hair really soon.” He slapped my arm, dropping his smile when I stared at where he’d touched me. 

These guys were real. Like in the flesh real.

“Before you freak out on me, let’s take this conversation somewhere more private, hm? Maybe not a police station? Okay, Chief?” said Dean.

“I’m the Sheriff,” I mumbled, closing my eyes. 

“It’s just a nickname, buddy. You got a house? Let’s go to your house okay, Sheriff?” I nodded in what felt like slow motion, grabbing my jacket as Dean convinced Ben to come with us. 

If I was going to have a mental breakdown, at least the Dean one seemed nice.

“Where’s my airstreamer!” I said twenty minutes later when I pulled up to where my home should have been. Instead, a large, beautiful wood cabin sat in it’s place, nestled in the trees. “That’s not my house!”

“According to google it is,” said Dean. I glanced to my right, glaring at him as he scrolled through my phone. 

“How did you get that!” I said, trying to snatch it away.

“You tossed it in the cupholder, dumbass,” scoffed Ben from the backseat. “Is this numbnuts house or not, cocksucker?” Dean turned in his seat, his features tight. 

“First off, dickwad, I screw women. Second, there’s nothing wrong with sucking cock, got it?” he rolled his eyes and scrolled the phone more. “We totally would have a homophobic alter ego out there in some universe. We’re just that damn lucky. Even you with your Sheriff job and seemingly normal life, I bet it’s fucked up to a degree huh?”

“Yeah,” I breathed out, Dean humming as he stopped his finger on the phone.

“I’m not homo whatever you called me,” said Ben, leaning forward in his seat. “I know what that means. I don’t care if a dude fucks a dude. You just look the type.”

“That’s still a problem, jackass. People don’t look-”

“Guys,” I said, swallowing thickly. “Can we just agree we shouldn’t judge other people, for anything besides their character and focus on more important things like what the fuck is happening?”

“Yes, Beau, excellent point,” said Dean, slapping my shoulder, giving Ben a glare. “Isn’t it?”

“Sure, whatever,” he said, getting out of the car. Dean slid out too with my phone, leaving me scrambling to put the car in park and follow after. “Oh you’re so a dirty cop to afford this place. I can respect that.”

“I am not a dirty cop!” I snapped, Ben raising his eyebrows as I got in his face.

“Well, well. Maybe our little pussy has a dick after all.” I looked back at Dean, his face in an apologetic smile.

“You can see how we got arrested for getting in a fist fight now, huh?” said Dean. He walked past me, slapping my shoulder before putting a hand on my back, guiding me forward towards the house. “So this isn’t your house, Beau?”

“Like I said, I live in an airstream on this plot of land. There’s an old cabin not too far but my house was right here this morning and now-”

“Fuck!” growled Ben. Dean and I froze, carefully spinning around to watch him fall to the ground on hands and knees. He started to shake, Dean moving fast over to his side. I looked around, this close to going back to my dying theory, when Dean hoisted Ben up, an arm around his body. 

“Beau. Inside. Now.” He was moving fast and I jogged up the few front steps to the porch, opening the door and flipping on a light switch. I blinked, catching a framed picture on the wall. It wasn’t one I recalled taking but I could clearly see why.

There was Ben, Dean and I, arms around each, wearing big smiles on what looked like some sort of camping trip.

“Beau!” shouted Dean, already past me and up the stairs, Ben clinging to him for dear life. “Find us a bathroom now!”

“Right, sorry!” I said, jogging up after them. I skirted around them in a hallway, finding a bathroom in the first bedroom I checked. I whistled as I hit the lightswitch, Dean inside with Ben, sitting him down on the floor before he reached inside the shower and turned it on full blast. “What’s-”

“He’s having a panic attack,” said Dean. I glanced down, Ben shaking hard, his eyes staring at the tile floor but not quite seeing anything. I didn’t even notice Dean leave, quickly back in the bathroom and returning to Ben, slapping a pair of noise-canceling headphones over his ears and wrapping a blanket tightly around him. 

Ben blinked, staring at Dean with tears in his eyes, anger and shame in every feature of his face.

“Go ahead and call me a cocksucker all you want man, but I ain’t leaving your ass until you’re though this, understand me?” Ben nodded once. Dean sat back next to him, sighing deeply. “Sheriff? Maybe you want to go tell your wonderful neighbors to fuck off with the fireworks? I want this guy with us when I tell you guys what’s going on.”

“Yeah, I’ll, uh, I’ll be back in ten.”

“Are you a cop? Or ex-military?” I asked Dean half an hour later. We were sitting on the large sectional in the family room of the home, big enough for more than three grown men to comfortably lay on at once. Ben glanced at Dean from where he sat by himself way down, steadily nursing his glass of bourbon and refilling it.

Dean cleared his throat and shook his head.

“You act like it,” said Ben. He said that with certainty, a twinge of remorse in my gut for not realizing he was suffering from PTSD earlier.

“You must have served,” I said to him, Dean sipping from his cold beer. I drank from my own as Ben closed his eyes. “Like Dean said, I think we’ve all had some bad hands dealt to us. Maybe of our own doing, maybe not. I’m still pretty sure this is a fever dream and isn’t actually real-”

“It’s real,” they both said. 

“How do you know that?” said Dean with a nod at Ben. Ben smirked, slumping back in his seat.

“Where I come from, I was born in 1918. When I was a young man, I signed up for a secret war effort and then injected me with Compound V. It made me a superhero. Superstrength beyond what you two can even comprehend. Invulnerability. I never aged past my mid-forties. I was a war hero. A movie star. Women, men, everyone wanted to get fucked by me or be me. And then my team betrayed me, I was tortured for forty years by the russians, and they stuck nuclear waste down my gullet. But I was so damn tough it didn’t kill me. No, no. It made me powerful. I could fucking explode. Bring down buildings. Turn other supes human. Kill them.” 

Ben knocked back his bourbon and smiled, looking between Dean and I.

“I was born exactly like the two of you. Just a boy. Just a man. And I could do all that before they drugged me up and trapped me back in a box. So if all that was real, then I can believe that life has the ability to throw me into another fucking dimension, or whatever the fuck this is, too.”

My eyes couldn’t have been wider, Ben snickering at me but I couldn’t even try to be mad at him.

He’d been a fucking superhero? A superhero? That was-

“I hunt monsters. And demons and the supernatural and a whole bunch of shit. Even took on the devil and God a few times and won. Technically I died in 2020, even though I did that a bunch too, but I was dead dead last I checked and it was also like 2070 something last I knew and according to the calendar in your office it’s like fifty years earlier so something weird is definitely up,” said Dean.

My head turned slowly to him, eyes still wide, mouth gaping now. 

“Also, other worlds totally exist which what I’m pretty sure is happening. We’re all different versions of the same guy in different universes,” said Dean.

“You hunt monsters? What kind of fucked up world do you live in? At least he’s like superman!” I said, pointing at Ben.

“If superman does hard drugs off a hooker’s ass then sure, I’m like that guy,” chuckled Ben. My head whipped back to him, Dean holding up a hand. “Who died and made you the head of this operation in the first place, Deanne weenie? I'm the oldest. I’m in charge.”

“I spent forty years tortured in hell by demons, grandpa,” growled Dean. “I know what the hell I’m talking about so sit down, shut up, and let me figure out a way to get you back to whatever universe you belong in.”

“I spent forty years getting tortured too, cum guzzler. It don’t make you special,” said Ben, getting to his feet. Dean rose fast, the two of them bumping their chests against each other.

“Wait!” I jumped over the ottoman in the center of the couch, forcing them each to take a step back. I took a deep breath, Ben grabbing my arm to yank me backwards.

“Not now, kiddo. I need to finish what I started with this one,” said Ben. I planted my feet but Ben was strong. Maybe not super strong anymore but still, he pulled me back hard and fast. Fast enough to make me trip and hit my head on the way down.

“Ow!” I gasped, wrapping an arm around my head, slowly getting to my knees. When I opened my eyes, Ben was worriedly staring at me, his hand on my head. “Get off-”

“What is going on?” Ben asked Dean, looking over his shoulder. He was wide eyed when he looked back at me, looking me over. “Why the fuck do I feel bad I just did that? I don’t give a shit about you. I don’t know you. I don’t…”

I looked at Dean, his eyes closing. 

“When Ben had his panic attack-” I said, Ben growling. I ignored him, looking to Dean still. “When he was scared, you went full blown…you were acting like you cared about him.”

“For some reason, when that happened, something clicked,” said Dean, kneeling down on the floor beside Ben and I. He found Ben’s gaze and nodded. “It felt like you were my brother. Even when you pushed Beau just now, I don’t hate you when I easily could. I just…”

“Care that Beau’s okay,” said Ben. He held out a hand, helping me sit up, a gut punching hitting me in the stomach. I swallowed, the same thick swallow they were sharing. “Dean.”

“You’re using my name. Now I’m concerned,” said Dean. Ben groaned but I understood where he was going with this.

“Dean, I think what Ben’s trying to say is…this isn’t your guy’s universe and it’s not mine either. I have one brother and he’s not you guys so wherever the hell we are-”

“We’re brothers here,” said Dean. He closed his eyes. “This is our house too. There’s too many pictures of us in this house, the bedrooms are too different, the garage outside has my muscle car in it I’m pretty sure. Which means we’re in a completely different universe.”

“Or we’re not,” said Ben. Dean opened his mouth to argue but Ben slapped his hand over it. “We could be dead. Or in purgatory.”

“I was already dead and you two weren’t there,” said Dean. “Besides, it’s 2023. I was dead and Ben was in a box? Or some shit. We couldn’t die twice.”

“I wasn’t dead in the box, moron,” sighed Ben. “I was just in a coma kind of. On ice. For probably the next forty years.”

I stood up, needing something for the splitting headache between my ears. I left them to bicker in the family room, something nagging at me that this was familiar. It couldn’t be though, right?

I wandered into the kitchen and swiped some pills from the cabinet, ducking down the hall to a bathroom and tossing a few down.

“Guys?” Loud footsteps approached as I existed, holding up the bottle. “How did I know where this bottle would be? I’ve never been in this house.”

“I’d assume the medicine would be in the kitchen,” said Dean, Ben shrugging. I shook my head, shaking the bottle.

“No. No I always keep my medicine in the bathroom. I always have my whole life. My parents did, I did, my ex-wife. Always in the bathroom. So why did I know to go to the kitchen?” I asked.

“Because that’s where Dean keeps them, isn’t it?” said Ben, crossing his arms.

“I think I know what’s happening,” said Dean, very slowly holding up a hand. “Ben. You and I woke up on that trail, remember?”

“Obviously,” said Ben. “Get to the fucking point.”

“Beau, did anything weird happen today? Did you…did you have an emergency? Did you black out?”

“No. I was at work, pursued a thief, caught them-” Dean grabbed my wrist, his face tight. 

“How did you pursue the thief? Was it dangerous?” 

“It was on a motorcycle. It got a little fast but-”

“I know what happened,” said Dean. He dropped my hand and ran his own over his face, eyes wide. “I don’t know how to fix this. Fuck, I think we’re stuck until we die.”

“Fine with me,” said Ben. 

“What happened?” I asked, crossing my arms. Dean shut his eyes and breathed deeply.

“We are in a world where the three of us are brothers. Triplets obviously. And the reason the three of us care about each other and get flashes of things, like knowing where the pills were, are because we’re remembering lives that aren’t ours.”

“Uh…” Dean swallowed.

“Today Ben and I died. This version. We fell off a cliff while hiking. Ben fell and I tried to catch him but we both went over. And you Beau, you got hurt on that motorcycle. The versions of us from this world, they all died today. But for some reason, we all got put in the wrong damn bodies and now we’re here.”

“That makes zero fucking sense,” said Ben. He held up a finger. “Actually, it’s fucking stupid. It makes more sense that-”

“Nope, Dean’s right,” said a voice behind us. I spun around, a young man in his twenties smiling back with a wave. “Sorry, paperwork mix up. I’ll pop you guys back where you belong.”

“Hold up shortstack,” said Ben, striding over to the young man. “If-”

The man disappeared, Ben and Dean still close by. The familiar nagging feeling was gone but the three of us were still there.

“Jack! It didn’t fucking work!” said Dean.

“It did! You three are exactly where you’re supposed to be. Beau, I shuffled a few things around in your universe so Dean and Ben can stay. Ben wants to and Sam wants you to have a fair shot at life too so he’ll see you when it’s time, okay? Talk to you guys when you die! Bye!”

“The fuck is going on!” shouted Ben.

“This is why God should not be a child,” groaned Dean. “We’re stuck. We’re fucking stuck as brothers. For real now. All because man-child druggie over here wanted to not go back to being in a coma. I was dead and I was ready to go!”

Ben threw a right hook, Dean barely dodging it. He tried throwing another but I caught his bicep, yanking him away from Dean.

“Enough!” I shouted, holding up a hand in front of each of them, keeping them at arms length from one another. “You fucking calm down, Ben. And Dean, cut the guy a break for not wanting to go back to being captured.”

“He’s clearly a piece of shit. You heard him talking before, Beau,” said Dean. “I-”

“I said enough!” Dean’s jaw snapped shut, both of them huffing, giving each other dirty looks. “Ben, go take the bourbon and hang out on the porch, alright?”

He said nothing and went past, not without forcefully bumping Dean’s shoulder. When the front door slammed shut, Dean wiped a hand over his face again. “Really dude?”

“Beau, I get you want to be the nice guy but he doesn’t belong here and neither do I,” said Dean. I skirted past him, stopping in the main hall of the house, looking out the front door to find Ben sitting on the front porch with his head between his knees. “We don’t know Ben. Maybe he deserves to be locked up. Trust me, I’d love to be alive again but I want that with my real brother, not this place. Ben and I aren’t supposed to be here.”

“Actually you are,” said that young man’s voice again. We both looked around, the young man sighing. “Listen, Dean. This is Beau’s world, the Beau in front of you. Maybe I went ahead and switched things up a bit, made you guys all brothers and yes, you can recall memories when needed. Maybe I did fuck up Beau’s world. But there’s a reason for that. All three of you need each other. You-”

“I was at peace Jack. I-”

“You were bored out of your fucking mind in Heaven. Hey, you want to get back in the game? Consider this your audition. Help your new brothers,” said Jack. “Beau?”

I pursed my lips, crossing my arms. “Yes, uh, Jack?”

“You don’t have to be afraid of me. But I don’t pop into your world often. You guys don’t get into as much trouble as say, the world Dean lived in.”

“Excuse me but who’s fault was that?” argued Dean.

“My point being, Beau, is to be yourself. Your ups and downs are as valid as your brother’s. Your monsters just don’t come with claws or lasers,” said Jack. “Now I really, really need to go. Dean, magic doesn’t exist here so yeah, you guys are stuck until you kick it. I promise I will pop you back to Sam when you do, okay? Just try to be there for each other. And maybe get a stiff drink in Beau. He’s pretty sure he’s lost his mind. Be sure to stay away from rebar!”

“Little shit!” shouted Dean. He grumbled but was quickly going to the liquor cart, grabbing a bottle of tequila and shoving it in my hands. “Drink.”

“Was that…God? Is God a kid in his twenties?” I asked, Dean ripipng the cap off, and pressing the bottle to my lips. I swallowed back two shots worth before he let me up for air, patting my back.

“Yes…technically he’s his grandson. God was a major dickhead. Jack’s cool but hands off which means-”

“Which means this is for real,” I finished. Dean knocked back some tequila himself before throwing an arm over my shoulders and leading me outside.

“We stuck?” grumbled Ben.

“Yup,” said Dean, sitting down on a porch seat, leaving me to lean back against the railing, taking another swig from the bottle. “Happy fucking new universe to us.”

“It’s actually pretty nice,” I hiccuped. Ben groaned and drank down a fifth of the bourbon bottle without so much as a flinch. I blinked, staring at him as I felt flashes of a memory. “You were in special ops. You went to rehab twelve years ago for a drug problem but you’ve been clean since,” I said. Ben narrowed his eyes at me, smirking darkly.

“Your wife divorced you and left you for a rich schmuck. Oh, and your kid potentially wants nothing to do with you. Sheriff.” I turned away from him, Dean closing his eyes in his seat.

“Can we all just agree to shut up and drink tonight?” sighed Dean. 

“Agreed,” we both said. No one said a word as we silently passed the bottles between ourselves. 

I knew I’d have a killer headache in the morning but I didn’t care. If I was ever going to have an excuse to get blackout drunk in my forties, this was it. But even as the three of us lay on the porch hours later, everyone too far gone to even move, something tickled the back of my mind.

“We used to have sleepovers on our parents porch,” I mumbled.

“Are our parents nice?” breathed out Ben. I hummed. “Is our dad?” His voice was thick, Dean shifting beside me.

“Don’t worry about it man. Look at Beau. I’m sure his…our parents are really nice people, right Beau?” said Dean.

“Good. I don’t want anymore shitty ass parents,” said Ben. I forced my head to the left, finding his back to me. He was soon snoring, Dean relaxing comfortably close by.

Maybe when I woke up, I’d realize this was all a very intense dream that had never actually happened.

Somehow I knew in my gut though that in the morning when the sun rose, Ben and Dean would be exactly where they slept.

And they weren’t going anywhere.

Dean

I groaned as I sat up. Sleeping on the hard wood of the porch had been a mistake. I noticed a blanket had been tossed over myself, Ben snoring loudly off to my side with his own blanket and hugging a pillow to his chest. 

The smell of coffee hit me and I hummed, wearily following it inside. Beau was in the kitchen, sipping on a cup of nearly white colored coffee and the thought to tease him hit me.

“You like to drink a lot of cream in the mornings do we Beau?” I said before I could help myself. Beau slurped it back, his annoyed smile letting the tightness in my chest relax.

“Only if he bought me dinner first,” he chuckled. “And yes, I like cream in my coffee. Sue me.”

“Leave some for the rest of us is all,” I said. He poured me a cup as I got out the carton, the two of us working around each other like we’d done it a million times. It was only when I sat at the kitchen island did I realize he was freshly showered and dressed, a badge and gun on his hip. “You going to work?”

“Yup,” he said, pouring more coffee in a travel mug. “I don’t get the most time off in the world and I’d rather save my vacation days for…”

Emily. In my head I saw a clear picture of her, a protective instinct towards her I’d only felt towards Sam before. Glancing at Beau though, I sensed it too and somehow, I knew it’d be there for Ben too.

“I’m so jealous of you,” I said. Beau fixed the cap on his mug while he worked on putting together a ham and turkey sandwich. “I mean…”

“You want to be a dad. I know. I feel like we’ve had this conversation before,” said Beau. “I get the feeling my daughter adores you and Ben.”

“The bastard has to have a soft spot somewhere,” I said. I glanced over my shoulder towards the front door, a pang of guilt rushing through my veins. “I can keep an eye on him.”

“I appreciate the gesture but Ben’s a big boy. He makes his own choices,” said Beau, sliding his sandwich into a baggie, tucking it away in a soft sided lunch box. “You guys probably have jobs too you ought to get to. Maybe check your rooms?”

“Good idea,” I said. I quietly watched him finish packing his lunch, Beau rinsing out his mug before placing it in the dishwasher. “I guess we’ll see you later today then.”

“Yeah. It’s friday last I knew so maybe we can order some pizzas, try to get to know each other?” I smiled, a small twinge of jealously in my gut again. “Sounds like a plan. Text if you need something.”

“Sure thing,” I said, watching him gather his things and start to head out. He froze halfway down the hall though, spinning around to look at me. His face was curious and bashful at the same time. 

“When you say you fought monsters, that include demons?” he asked. I nodded, his eyes widening for a moment. “Does…does salt actually keep them away?”

I chuckled, looking him over. I liked Beau more and more. “It’s actually ghosts the salt works on. Demons you need either an enchanted amulet or something like that or an anti-possession warding.” I peeled down my shirt collar, revealing my tattoo. “Doesn’t seem like an issue in this world.”

“I’d rather not know the answer to that,” he said, smiling softly. “Later Dean.”

I nodded, the house quiet for a beat. I trudged upstairs, finding a bedroom that I instinctively knew was mine. It was the room the three of us had crammed in the night before, the memory of Ben shaking on the bathroom floor forcing an unpleasant ache.

Only Sam had ever elicited that ache.

But something about Beau, even Ben…it rushed in my blood, made me hope Beau got to work safely. Made me wish Ben didn’t have to endure that kind of fear. 

“This is what I get for complaining that heaven was too fucking boring,” I mumbled. I opened a closet, eyes darting around for clues when I caught a pair of coveralls with my name stamped on the front. “I’m a mechanic? That tracks.”

My phone on the nightstand rang, an unflattering picture of Beau eating a plate of nachos popping up.

“Hey,” I said, flipping through the closet. “I think I’m a mechanic.”

“Actually it looks like you’re a firefighter. Your work badge is sitting on my passenger seat,” he said. “And uh, you’re probably going to be pissed but your name is Dean Arlen according to it.”

“It’s whatever,” I sighed, resigning myself to that fact I’d be spending the next forty years in this world. At least.

“Any luck on what Ben does?” I slipped out of the room, going to the one across the hall. 

“Nope. I just checked…aw, this must be your daughter’s room. It’s so pretty. Will you be my dad?”

“No, idiot,” he laughed. “I might be oldest but-”

“No offense kiddo but I’m pretty sure I’m oldest,” I said, closing the door and heading down the hall.

“Tell you what? I’ll look up our birth records when I get to work. Loser has to make dinner.”

“You’re on, kid.”

“Asshole,” he mumbled. “I’ll drop your ID off at the firehouse, okay? It’s down the block from the station.”

“Ten four, Sheriff.” Beau sighed and hung up as I pushed open a door, this room neat and tidy, a framed children’s drawing on his dresser. I went to the only other room in the hallway, grimacing when I opened the door.

Ben’s room was a disaster. Clothes everywhere. A pungent smell of old spice in the air. There were beer cans and bottles on nearly every surface. I almost decided to give up and assume Ben didn’t have a job when a slip of paper on a covered desk caught my eye. I slipped inside, frowning at it.

“Guessing this one’s mine,” grumbled a voice behind me. I spun around, Ben walking in with a glass of something gross looking. He took a sip and closed his eyes. “We should get a maid.”

“Or you can clean up after yourself,” I said. He chuckled, his features dark. “Is that beneath you?”

“Listen,” he said, putting the glass down and walking up to me, pressing his chest against mine. I was not a small guy but this one…he had twenty pounds of muscle on me easily. He stared me down, narrowing his eyes. “I don’t know how they do things in your universe but in mine, people do what I say, understand?”

“We’re in Beau’s universe so tough shit. Here, you can be a damn man and clean up after yourself.” Ben leaned in close, smashing his nose against mine, a threat of violence in the air that reminded me of when I had the mark on my arm.

“Give me a reason to snap your neck, boy,” Ben growled. “Unlike that pussy cop, I don’t give two fucks about you or anyone else here.”

My instinct was to snap back, headbutt this asshole into the next century. But...if I couldn’t shake the feeling of giving a shit about these guys then that meant he couldn’t either.

“Then kill me Ben,” I said, raising my chin. “Go ahead. If you really don’t care, do it. I won’t even make it hard for you. Because I’ve died. I know where I’m going. You though? Something tells me you might end up going downstairs and trust me, you won’t like it one bit.”

Ben’s hand shot to my throat, a threat in the air. There was no pressure though, only his heavy pants in the air.

Suddenly it was gone, Ben storming across the room, throwing most of the things from the dresser onto the floor. Glass smashed against the hardwoods, items bouncing against the carpet before coming down with a hard thud. He kept his back to me, breathing heavily.

“I’ll take that as you aren’t going to kill me then,” I said. Ben mumbled something, shoulders shaking slightly. “Listen, you got crap? I get it. I get whatever the hell this is too. But it’s the twenty first century. You can get help and be a fucking man too. I have work. Can you survive on your own?”

“I don’t need a damn babysitter.” With a roll of my eyes, I left, going down to my own bedroom. After a minute, I wash changed into a fresh pair of jeans and had found a t-shirt with a fire emblem on it, one I assumed matched the fire station I worked for. I quickly grabbed a black flannel and a pair of white and dark olive green sneakers out of my closet, whistling to myself.

“You look new,” I said to myself, pleasantly surprised they fit so well. I jogged downstairs and noticed Beau had made up an extra pair of lunches while we were talking earlier, grabbing one and heading for the door.

“Wait.” I had my hand on the handle as heavy footsteps came downstairs, Ben changed into a baseball jersey and pair of tight jogger sweatpants. He slipped on a pair of sneakers in the tray by the door, staring at me. “Alright, let’s go, jackass.”

“I didn’t realize I was your fucking chaufer.”

“I’m drunk,” he growled. I nodded back at the kitchen.

“Beau made you lunch. Might as well take it before I drop you off wherever it is you’re going.”

“I’ll be back before then,” was all he said. Two minutes later we were on the road, driving in dead silence. For the first time I caught Ben smiling as we rode along in Baby, his hand running over the dash. “Ah. See this is a car I could drive. Don’t get me wrong. That cocksucker of a brother we have-”

“Don’t insult him.” Ben’s lips pressed into a thin line. “The man might not have fought monsters like I did or had super powers like you but he’s divorced with a teenage daughter. And he’s a cop, in charge of all the other ones. In charge of this town. The man is kind but don’t underestimate him. He’s got crap too. He’s us, remember?”

Ben crossed his arms and stared out the window for ten minutes until we hit the edge of town. I wasn’t sure where we were going but I let muscle memory guide me, eventually coming up to a small complex of doctor’s offices. Ben didn’t move when I leaned forward, recognizing the name on the sign from the letter on his desk.

“You’re an asshole,” I said. I saw his lip twitch up in the passenger mirror. “Go on before I kick your ass out. I got work.”

“You’re such a bitch,” said Ben, climbing out of the car and heading inside the building without a second glance. I shook my head, driving down the road for a few minutes, passing by Beau’s truck out front of the police station. I let instinct take over, eventually finding a fire station down the block. I found an empty spot out front and parked, inhaling sharply.

“Here goes nothing.”

Work was amazing. I wasn’t just a firefighter. I had seniority. I worked on arson investigations. I got to teach little kids on field trips all about fire safety. It was like tapping into these untouched parts of my brain. The more I let go, the more memories filled in. One’s about work, about Beau and Ben. 

Maybe Sam had a point about forcing me to live a normal life like he’d been able to. I missed the hell out of him but I knew I’d see him again and for him, it wouldn’t be that long. In the meantime, I knew two guys that could do with my help right here.

“Howdy, Sheriff,” I said late in the day as Beau and the pretty female cop my brain told me was named Jenny pulled up to the scene of a small house fire. “We just put out that fire, Beau. What you doin’ bringing more hot things my way?”

Beau’s eyes glared as Jenny laughed, smacking my arm. “Oh, I love you Arlen boys. All of you are such flirts. Except Beau. That some sort of big brother thing?”

It was my turn for my face to fall as Beau threw his arm over my shoulder, giving me a tight squeeze. “It must be. My little brothers are such flirts. Especially the baby, isn’t that right, Dean?”

“By twelve minutes!” I said, dread filling my veins as a memory popped into my head. I so was not the baby brother. I hadn’t spent a lifetime of being Sam’s big brother to suddenly be thrust into baby brother status.

“Enjoy it, kid,” Beau whispered in my ear, slapping my back as he pulled away. “Everything settled here?”

“Space heater caused the fire. Minimal damage. No injuries,” I said, Jenny looking me up and down, a twinkle in her eye. “Jenny, you want to grab a drink after work?”

“I would but I have a hot date with Cassie. Unless you want to join us?” 

“Sorry, Dean’s going to have to take a raincheck. We need a little guy time after the incident yesterday. Plus Dean has oh so graciously offered to make us dinner,” said Beau, narrowing his eyes when Jenny wasn’t looking. 

“Right. How is Ben by the way?” she asked. “I thought rehab stuck this time.”

“It did for the drugs,” I said, my mind filling in a gap it didn’t know existed a split second before. “We’re still working on the drinking.”

“He’s cutting down,” said Beau as I found myself nodding along with him. We shared a concerned look, Jenny polite enough to not say anything.

“Well, I know he’s a big softie deep down. He’s making progress which is something,” she said, clearing her throat. “Beau, I’ll do a quick interview and write up the report.”

“Excuse me, are you volunteering to do paperwork? What demon are you being possessed by?” Beau teased. I stared at Jenny, probably too long, Beau grimacing behind her. “Uh, sure. Need a ride back to the station when you’re through?”

“Dean can give me a lift,” she said, a curious smile on her face. 

“Alright. Dean, I’m ducking to the grocery store. You’re making me pizza tonight,” he said. He waved as he walked away, Jenny crossing her arms and staring after him.

“Your brother is something else,” she said, dipping her tongue out past her lips.

“Oh,” I said as it clicked. “You’re hot for your boss.” She grabbed my arm, quite hard for how small she was, dragging me around to the end of the fire truck. 

“Dean, I told you I don’t know how I feel about Beau. I just…don’t say anything to him. Or Cassie or Ben or anybody, got it?” I held up my hands, Jenny letting out a small exhale.

“Can I ask a personal question?” 

“Careful, Dean,” she said but nodded anyways.

“Why not me? What’s so different about Beau and me?” I asked. She smiled softly, resting her palm on my bicep.

“You’re sweet, Dean. A good friend. You boys are similar in ways but Beau’s friendship…it lifts me up if that makes sense. There’s a light to him that-”

“I understand,” I said, flashes of memories that weren’t my own but were popping into my head. “Beau’s the good brother, Ben’s the bad one and I’m the one that’s known for sleeping around.”

“You’re known for pushing women away when they start getting to close Dean. I know you boys have only been in town a year but I’d guess that’s who you’ve always been. It’s a shame. You’d really make someone happy if you just let yourself.”

Awesome. I was the same guy in this universe, just without a legitimate reason for being alone.

“Thanks, Jenny,” I said when she pursed her lips. “Honestly.”

“Life’s funny. It doesn’t mean it’s too late for anything,” she said, walking past me. “If you know what I mean.”

“Like you wanting to fuck my brother?”

“Shut up Arlen!” she said with a huff. “All you fucking men…”

I had the feeling Beau was still very much in love with his ex-wife. Yet…something told me Ben and I got on his back about Jenny. One man and two potential women to enjoy?

I’d rather deal with the devil all over again.

Ben

My head was fucking killing me and not just from the hangover. Everything was so fucking confusing. There was too much information in my head. It was too fucking much. I knew what the internet was and bluetooth and all those other fake fucking words Hughie had made up. Or I thought he’d made up.

I’d been gone almost forty years and in that time everything had changed so fucking much.

Funnily enough, I fucking enjoyed therapy. It turns out I wasn’t a complete piece of shit. If you don’t give a shit about everyone equally, you’re just an all around asshole which was a step up in my book. 

But apparently my language was “inappropriate” or some shit. It “hurt” those around me. Like my brothers. Yeah right. Those two little shits would get hurt walking to the damn mailbox in my world.

Maybe not Dean. He seemed…angry in a way Beau wasn’t. But they were both still pussies by all standards.

It was getting late in the afternoon as I walked down yet another sidewalk in downtown, the air slightly cool. It must have been early fall based on the few trees starting to turn color. 

“Hey Ben,” said a gorgeous woman with a small wave as she struggled to get her keys in the door. Cassie. She was Beau’s friend and by proxy, mine too. 

“Hey,” I said, walking over, resisting the urge to comment on her ass as I took a box out of her arms.

“Thanks,” she said, opening up the shop door. “Today’s been a disaster. I can’t believe it’s already after three and I’m only now just getting in.”

“I bet,” I said, following her inside, trying very hard to keep my mouth shut. I mean this woman looked good. The old me from before Russia would probably already be screwing her over the desk by now.

“You’re abnormally quiet,” she said, taking the box from my arms. “And no flirting? I bet your interview didn’t go as bad as you think.”

“Interview?” I asked, Cassie rolling her eyes at me. 

“You know, the one you were supposed to have today…the security thing?” Memories flashed in my mind about Beau and Dean pulling strings with a friend of theirs to get me an interview with a private security company. A job I could clearly recall not wanting in the first place.

“Oh. Yeah,” I said, catching a clock on the wall. This supposed interview was in less then fifteen minutes. “Doesn’t sound my style.”

She suddenly looked annoyed, setting the box on a counter off to the side. “Well I’m kind of busy so maybe you should go anyways.”

“Baby-”

“I have a boyfriend, Ben,” she said, narrowing her eyes. “Go to the interview for your brothers sake.”

“Whatever,” I said, leaving and walking once again. It only took five minutes to find the place I was supposed to go but I didn’t want a fucking job. The only job I’d ever had was being a supe. A movie star. Model. All of those I’d made the rules.

Anyone who tried to make me do anything other than what I wanted could get fucked.

One Hour Later

I took the fucking job. Why oh why did I say yes to that fucking job? Worst of all, they wanted me to start on Monday.

At the fucking daycare. They wanted me to work at a fucking daycare at the front desk. Me. 

“Hey,” said Beau, pulling up to a stop on the street as I sat on a bench, a stack of black polos with the security logo stamped on them beside me. “You cool?”

“Just get me the hell home,” I grunted, grabbing the shirts and pilling into the passenger seat, grateful when he kept his mouth shut most of the way there.

“So uh, Cassie texted me.” I glared at Beau, his eyes on the road. “I guess you had a job interview?”

I mumbled the story to him, Beau making a surprised sound when I finished. “What’s that supposed to mean, dickhead?”

“Means they must like you, must think you have the capacity to deal with an environment full of kids all day,” grinned Beau. 

I would have slapped him in the face if he hadn’t been driving.

“If I’m lucky I’ll die snorting coke off a whore’s tits before Monday,” I said, Beau frowning as we pulled up to the house. 

“Don’t do that,” he said when I was halfway out the door. I rolled my eyes, Beau’s face so pathetic looking though that I closed the door and sat back in my seat.

“Why not? I don’t want to be here and the world don’t want someone like me in it. I was someone in my universe. Here I’m a mooching scumbag apparently. So who cares if I go out the fun way?”

“I do.” Beau shook his head at me, my annoyance growing. “God, Jack, whatever…that kid put you and Dean in my world for a reason. Dean, I get. He died young and this is a chance to live a normal life. Me? Maybe I do things differently and don’t bottle up my shit and move on from my ex. And you? Maybe you need to get rid of your superiority complex and learn to just be a normal person without superpowers or torture or whatever. So don’t do something stupid cause I will find you in the afterlife and I will kick your ass if you do.”

“Fine,” I grumbled. A minute later I was in my bedroom, frowning at the space. It was pretty fucking filthy. “Why don’t we have a fucking maid again?”

“Because we’re not rich,” said Beau as he walked past my open door. I heard him go into a bedroom and exit a moment later sans his firearm and badge, his shirt untucked. “Dean’s making homemade pizza when he gets in.”

“Good. I’m starving,” I said, following Beau downstairs. “How much to get you to clean my room?”

“What did I say to you not five minutes ago?” asked Beau, spinning around on the stairs, looking up at me. “Find a closet or bathroom. I’m sure there’s cleaning supplies in there.”

“Well I’ve never cleaned shit so how was I supposed to know that?” Beau raised his eyebrows. “What? I grew up rich and then got even richer.”

“Well I seriously doubt mom and dad would let you get away with not cleaning your room. Think and you’ll remember.” I frowned. Of course I knew how to fucking clean something. It didn’t mean I wanted to.

“Still stupid,” I mumbled.

“Ben,” said Beau, raising his voice. “I know you think you’re hot shit but you are a sorry excuse for a man. Start acting like one and maybe every conversation you have won’t be a fight.”

Beau went downstairs, leaving me standing there feeling for the first time in a very long time like maybe my dad had been right.

I really was a fucking disappointment.

I cleared my throat an hour later as I went downstairs to find Beau and Dean laughing in the kitchen. They turned their heads when I walked in, a strange awkwardness settling in my gut.

“I uh, cleaned my room,” I said, glancing at the three ready pizzas. “One of those for me?”

“Come on, man. You can make up your own,” said Dean. I settled next to him, looking at the different topping options. “I heard you got a job today.”

“Yeah,” I said, sprinkling some pepperoni on top of one. 

“So what was it like growing up rich?” asked Dean. “Personally we had jack shit after I was four. Nice to know I was well off in one universe.”

“It was alright,” I said, Beau passing me a bowl of peppers and onions. “Actually it sucked. I was never good enough for my dad.”

“Been there, done that,” said Dean. “I mean, I made up with my dad eventually but it wasn’t until after he died.”

“My dad’s nice,” said Beau softly. “Our dad. You guys will like him.”

“I’m sure we will,” said Dean, nudging my ribs. “Hey. Even if he’s not perfect, beats being tortured for forty years, am I right?”

“You have a point.” I put some extra jalapeños on my pizza before I was done, Beau hopping up on the counter. Dean grabbed a few beers from the fridge, handing one to each of us and then putting the first pizza in the oven.

“So,” said Beau, taking a draw from his bottle. “I know this situation is kind of crazy but not gonna lie, I don’t mind having some company at home again. Em stays with her mom a lot lately.”

“I lived with my brother most of my life,” said Dean with a small smile. “It’s not half bad.”

They both glanced at me, waiting for me to share something personal. I resisted the voice at the back of my head screaming for me to snap an insult back at them.

“I’ve kinda always been on my own I guess,” I said, fiddling with the bottle in my hands. 

“Well not anymore,” said Beau.

“Just stop calling us pussies all the time?” asked Dean, a smirk on his face.

“No promises,” I said, Dean slapping my back.

“Told ya you’d warm up to us,” he said. I rolled my eyes, Beau chuckling into his beer. “We’ll work on it.”

Beau held up his bottle, raising his chin. “To Ben working on his potty mouth.”

“To living in a world where we can have normal lives,” said Dean, lifting his. I tilted mine up, nodding once.

“To my new, weird as fuck, brothers.” 

“I’ll drink to that,” said Dean, throwing an arm over my shoulders, a strange warmth filling me up. “Now who’s hungry?”

________

[lightofraye]

I decided to torture myself.

I don't know why.

Her voice is just awful. Dear Danneel, please get vocal lessons. Bring it down an octave or something because fucking yikes.

A follower sent me this and asked if I had seen it. I had not. It was, after all, a fan compilation of various interviews of Danneel, videos, whatever. And...

How the hell do people stan her?

She's vapid, uneducated. Ugh.

Anyway... points of interest.

Throughout the whole video: WHO CARES ABOUT THE DAMNED HAIR TWIRLING?!

0:54: During a photo shoot I guess at a premier. ZERO chemistry between Danneel and Jensen. Jensen is smiling politely and wanting to get away as fast as possible.

1:00: Yes Danneel. We can see that it's a hallway. GOD. How insipid. Even Jensen was like "OMG, what?"

1:54: Uh. Danneel, honey, why would anyone else play Dean Winchester besides Jensen Ackles? He did not like that one bit.

4:14: Uh huh. If Jensen had witnessed some of it, why was nothing done then? I'm super-dubious about this claim. I really am. And how could he have witnessed it when he was likely filming Supernatural during that? Hmm.

5:55: Yeahhh.... had the family, but the steady career? Hahaha. Nope.

6:35: Danneel, honey, neither do you. If you expect me to believe you do any of the cleaning, I'm gonna call you a liar. You do nothing. Also, Jensen looked annoyed at the idea of so many bathrooms.

6:43: You are also not nice. I came across some old rumors about you, honey. You were awful, vicious, and the reason you got fired from One Tree Hill was because of your *whispers* drug habits.

6:55: WHAT IS SHE WEARING?!

7:35: The ever-changing face, proving that she lies about her plastic surgery. (Supposedly she claims she doesn't that many and I died laughing.) Also: "beautiful men with big egos"--bullshit, honey. You're the one who has the massive ego with zero to back it up. Plus she sounds as insincere as fuck.

8:22: "It's good. I love him. He's great." Insincere.

8:33: I'm cringing on Jensen's behalf. "Where the magic happens". And bypassed Jensen's wishes and insisted it not be cut--and guess what? It wasn't cut. As if they've shared a bed in years.

8:44: Ohhhh my gods. The brewery interview. Pay attention to Jensen's face as the interviewer talks about working together, living together--Jensen's done. And actually says "yes" to being tired of being with her. Danneel looked pissed. Ah honey...

11:43: Uh huh. The ring, huh? Gold digger.

12:04: The so-called flight anxiety. Whatever, Danneel. If you're able to fly without supposed help or therapy...? (No, getting drunk is not legitimate help.) You fly a lot, more than most "average" people. You take your kids. You go to conventions. You supposedly saw your husband a lot when he was filming Supernatural. You flew for your tidbits of roles. Then you're fine.

14:34: "Jensen's first time being in here." For the kitchen? Oh please! As if he never went in for a snack, beer, or anything. SHUT UP, DANNEEL.

14:38: "Nothing can happen to me, not for me, but for my kids." Excuse me, I need to shake some sense into her. Babe, honey, you do jackshit for your kids. They'll be fine.

Also that's not how panic attacks work. You literally aren't able to talk yourself out of it. Please stop.

15:36: "We're having another baby." That look your husband gave you? A deserved death glare because you knew he wouldn't like it. Stop emotionally torturing him, god!

16:41: I love that Jensen called her out on her lie about her name. I don't think she liked that either.

17:24: Ah. The insult about him smelling bad. God, can't she ever say anything nice about him? See the way he took a deep breath, braced himself? That's not a normal reaction to a "joke".

17:43: How can he not know women put perfume on their wrists and elsewhere? Translation: he never sees Danneel do it. Because they don't share a bedroom after all.

18:11: HOW CAN HE NOT KNOW THAT CHAIR MOVES?! Did the man not live there at all?!

19:34: Oh god. The doll. Honestly, Jensen should dump it. Stop torturing him with it! It's not funny!

19:53: Couldn't let him have the closet joy, huh? Bitch.

20:18: No. You're not nice. Nope. Not at all.

God. My eardrums. I'm crying now.

Danneel, babe, vocal coach. Please!

[maxinemartinsdrill]

spn women I have strong feelings about:

1. ROWENA ROWENA ROWENA. Rowena will get CRAZYYYYY interesting backstory dropped in various episodes and ppl just ignore it. like she grew up poor and when she had Crowley she was miserable and alone and she despised him for it because she needed to be strong and he felt like a weakness to her. and then she spends years fleeing witch hunts running around Europe and she finally grasps some level of power to find security because magic is her way out magic is her strength etc etc. and we first see her killing pimps and then helping those girls and then punishing them for lacking the strength she wants to see in them. like is she a nice person? absolutely not. but the reasons for her desperation to hold onto power are SO SOS SO COMPELLING. ppl would be allllllll over her if she were a man I mean that so sincerely.

AND THEN. She meets the Winchesters and they keep kidnapping her and she gets thrown into all this shit with Lucifer and she's not as strong as she thought she was. she's not strong enough to be safe. but the she gets to know Sam better and she finally gains the levels of power she's sought of angling for as well as some of the emotional security because he's vulnerable with her and he gets it a little bit. and she can let herself be bit more vulnerable and she can open herself up to feeling more than just scared or vengeful. the fact that when she's safe she will let herself love people??? excellent. like her becoming less evil to me is wayyyyy more interesting than the way spn does this a lot of the time and it feels rly fucking authentic.

AND EVERYTHING AFTER THA IS GREAT AS WELL. her trying to decide where she stands morally, admitting she did awful things to herself and getting on with it, only being able to love her son after he's dead, bequeathing Sam everything she had after she died. LIKE THERES SO MUCH THERE. and obligatory Lucifer trauma mention because samwena Lucifer trauma bonding was what got me back into spn and into Sam in the first place.

2. BILLIE. singing oh death in the hospital. holding Rowena while she completely loses itm she is THEE benevolent death to me. I love the fact shs one of the only characters who banters with Dean on his level of strange anachronisms. Love how when she was reaping him she was debating whether to tell him sam was still alive. possibly I am just obsessed with her because for once they gave a woman interiority in a way that wasn't inherently evil (like she wasn't portrayed as a saint for it but it was like just business) and then s15... At least 75% of my hatred of the cas confession comes from the fact they made Billie 'evil' in order to set it up.

3. Mary.... ohhhhhh mary. More about the implication than anything else - 'they couldn't stand each other at first but by the time we were done with them...' truly awful. the way she tries her whole life to get away from hunting and runs right back into it. and she comes back to deeply troubled children who she is expected to parent without having any idea of how to do this because she does not know them. and she's a mother to them not mary.

4. bela talbot :(( you're dying. And utterly alone. and you died to free yourself and you've been running and running your entire life but you can't run any longer. and there's someone on the phone, maybe the only person who can understand you. you're similar and he may as well be the only person left in the world. and then he calls you a bitch and says you deserve to die. and you get ripped apart by dogs and tortured for the rest of eternity.

5. KELLY KLINE!!!!!!!!! craziest mf on the show istg. again do I think the writers were trying to do anything serious with her? No. BUT THE IMPLICATIONS. like as I have rambled about before she is insanely republican and Christian pregnant with the antichrist AND on the run with a queer fallen angel who went on a blasphemous murdering homophobes and republicans spree a couple of years back. she is overwhelmingly positive despite this possibly because she is completely divorced from reality due to her bizarre politics (how to have an affair with the president in a god honouring way is it morally wrong to get an abortion if the fetus is the devil etc). and for some reason she is convinced that jack will save the world which is so fun!!!! I also really enjoy the fact that most of her bizarreness was left to be implied because it allows us to see her as a normal person doing her best in an awful situation and empathise with her. Despite the fact that they could have easily made her a full blown lady Jessica type (i don't know enough about dune to say if this is right) with the whole magical pregnancy manipulative religious delusions/cult type thing going. which would have still been interesting but also lacked depth in places. here they just tell you shes absolutely ridiculous and then have her interact completely normally despite the abnormal circumstances. which (accidentally???) gives her a lot going on. also the bit where she meets jack in heaven and realises he's dead the 'cas said he would look out for you' one of if not the most devastating line in late seasons spn not even joking.

honorary mentions:

Amara :))) literally 90% if when she is on screen I am unconvinced however gimme shelter was sooooooo good. SHES A FEMINIST!!! OBLIGATORY SHOUT OUT TO THE WIRE MOTHER CLOTH MKTHER DEAN AMARA POST

[motelsnleatherseats]

Is Sam Submissive or Dominant? An Analysis. (wincest edition)

so let's talk about a couple of things: canon portrayal of sam hooking up, and during what season it's happening.

early on when we see sam hooking up with someone, he appears to be more aggressive in the way he touches and kisses. he looks hungry for it, maybe even a little forceful or overly eager. he uses his strength and his size to his advantage and effectively seizes control, so i can see how portraying or seeing him as dominant is evident.

now in relation to wincest, i think sam could lean either way here in terms of top or bottom, though i still think he's got that 'i want to call the shots' attitude so maybe he initiates or leads. he's not afraid to ask for what he wants.

seasons 1-4, we're getting sam dealing with the loss of jess, and on top of his trauma response being guilt, it's also anger as a mirror to john and how he handled losing mary. he got dragged back into the hunter life, but he had spent 4 years away from the oppressive thumb of his father (and brother at times) and he wants to hold onto what independence he had discovered in his time away. he wants to prove that he can make good decisions on his own, that's he's strong, and that he's inherently good despite being corrupted demon blood when he was a child. he still wants to make the calls, he still wants control and autonomy, and i think that translates into the bedroom as well.

fast forward to season 6, and we got soulless sam. obviously without a moral compass, he's quick to satisfy carnal desires regardless of circumstance in a take what he wants kind of fashion, so i see the dominant aspect at play here. side note but relatable tangent; considering we've seen plenty of people lose their soul a la amara's insatiable appetite, i'd like to say it's pretty impressive he went an entire year without going off the proverbial deep end. people knew something was off about sam, but he was smart and calculated enough to play off empathy and concern for a good chunk of the year.

season 7 is where we start to see the switch. at first when he gets back and he doesn't remember hell, he feels redemption at first. he atoned for his sins and got satan back in solitary, and he got to come back to his brother. but then the memories come back from his time without a soul, and we get guilt guilt guilt in heavy hitting waves. just when he thought he finally did something right, the narrative screws him. just when he thought he had finally washed his hands clean, they're drenched in blood yet again. then he remembers hell and we've got a full blown case of battered woman (person) syndrome. he's jumpy, he makes himself smaller, he loses the ability to defend himself, sex is now associated with violence (i mean really, the poor guy seems to be sexualized in most torture scenarios), and now he's gotta save face and keep up the illusion that he's managing alright on his own.

once he opens up to dean regarding the visions of satan and dean can see just how badly he's handling it (especially with the lack of sleep), i think he'd try to offer as much comfort as he could afford. sam needs that comfort. he needs softness. and dean is the only one who knows what hell is truly like, he's the only one who understands, and i think submission to dean is imminent. dean deserves his submission, he deserves his apology for trying to do things on his own, because look at how much worse he made things thinking he could do it without dean. we see this carry on into later seasons as well. after the whole amelia debacle, everyone else is really off the table. he can't afford to let dean down again, can't do anything that would drive him off to anyone else, and we see this carry on especially towards the end of season 8 with his confessions before completing the trials. 'i'm sorry for everything i did, i'd rather die than you let you down again.' -> i'll do anything to make it up to you, please tell me what to do.

i also think it's interesting to look into how dean deals with his trauma. it's almost flipped compared to sam's, because when he got back from hell, it took some pushing on sam's part to get him to open up and we see vulnerability, we see tears and remorse for the things he did, but everything else after that evolved into deep rage. he became more controlling of sam, kept secrets, told him we're doing this my way because i said so, end of discussion, and sam has no choice in the matter. he treads carefully for some time until it comes down to dean's survival, then he starts making bad decisions again (i.e. roping charlie into getting the mark off of dean's arm which effectively gets her killed and then releasing the darkness in the process) because existence without dean doesn't make sense.

another thought, as the seasons go on, we don't see sam nearly as interested in sex (though he wasn't very much at any point by comparison to dean), and who would blame him?

anyway, point of the long drawing on of thoughts and reflections~ top or bottom, i don't think it matters. i think sam is completely capable of being both dominant and submissive in relation to his mental/emotional state of mind and what kind of trauma he's processing along with how dean is treating him.

but in regards to drabbles/roleplays/fics/what have you, hey man whatever floats your boat.

-> i wanted to reblog and comment on this post but i didn't want to hijack op's post.

[ardentpoop]

your a person who I feel really understands Sam and I always enjoy seeing your opinions on the show so i hope you don’t mind me asking a bit of a specific Sam question. In s8 Sam says that the time is he found with Amelia was something unique that he found for the first time in his life. I’ve always found that line to be a bit weird considering Stanford and Jess but I’d like to see what you think Sam means and is saying by this line. Have a good day.

hi :)

I have mixed feelings on the amelia arc leaning more positive than negative bc I’m a contrarian and I thought the fandom disliked that arc for the wrong reasons lmao - as usual dean’s inescapable perspective aggressively dampened ppl’s ability to empathize w/ sam. also as usual this fandom hates women as much as the show does.

anyway bird’s eye view: sam’s “break” with amelia pre-s8 followed the extremely traumatic events (for sam more than anyone) of s4-s7. he spends literal years dealing w/ one catastrophe after another, his and dean’s relationship suffers its first major breakdown in s4 that imo they never truly recover from, he sacrifices himself to save the world bc it was “his fault” it nearly ended, he suffers an eternity of torture in the cage and loses those memories then regains them then loses them again, nothing feels solid to him least of all his own body and mind. and then dean dies in the s7 finale! or at least, sam thinks he does - he has no reason to believe otherwise. and sam looks for dean, we see that he does, we see him spinning out and suicidal again, but then he stops. bc he hits a dog! and he meets A Girl. and this girl, like him, is drifting and grieving and desperate for something solid to hold onto for just a while. and she’s prickly and unapproachable at first and sam finds that comforting.

my overall point is that sam’s headspace going into stanford era and sam’s headspace pre samndean reunion in s8 are like…. impossibly different. he goes through shit his teen self wouldn’t even have the words to describe. he and dean hit lows that he would’ve never thought possible when they only had each other for comfort under john’s roof.

stanford era sam was blessed with ignorance; he was trying to be Normal, he left his stifling family unit behind and started planning a stable future without them, he was doing everything you’re Supposed to do to be a happy successful person per american individualism - and at the time, it WAS making him happy, bc everyone had kept him in the dark abt the nefarious plot he was smack-dab in the middle of; he didn’t know his freedom was an illusion and that he’d never stopped being watched.

pre-s8 sam on the other hand has long since given up on normalcy. he views himself as a freak who will “never be okay” and hunting as a burden that he deserves to bear. it takes dean being gone for the veil to lift a little and remind him that A) it’s maybe okay that he’s a freak lmao bc amelia’s kind of a freak as well and they can help each other specifically because they’re broken in similar ways, and B) he CAN feel okay when he’s not hunting.

like we know sam’s always hated hunting lol his introduction as a character is centered on this inner conflict. however sam “running away” from “the life” before he knows abt what azazel did to him and before he’s made to shoulder the burden of the apocalypse in s5, among countless other burdens, and sam making an Informed Decision to step back from hunting are 2 entirely different things. to me.

also btw sam turning away from hunting is inextricable from sam turning away from dean, and punished accordingly. bc sam’s Place is at dean’s side whether he likes it or not. he is reminded of this the very instant dean gets back from purgatory and bombarded with guilt abt it for the rest of the season until he cracks.

[watchingspnagain]

Rewatching The Rapture

Welcome to “It’s Not Like He Boiled *Her* Arm, Jeez: A Supernatural Rewatch Blog” with Lor and Mace!

Up today, s4e20: The Rapture.

Cas appears to Dean in a (lovely, peaceful) dream and gives him a note asking him to meet him at a warehouse. When the boys show up at the warehouse, something angelic has clearly gone down, and they find Cas—but not. It’s Jimmy Novak, the man Cas was using as a vessel. Cas is mysteriously back in heaven. After a good deal of objection and argument from the boys, Jimmy returns home to his family (who think he walked out and disappeared on them a year ago, probably as part of a psychotic break). We see several flashbacks of Jimmy when Cas first began to speak to him, as well as Jimmy’s tortured attempt to rejoin his family. Meanwhile, demons are up to shit, threatening Jimmy and his family. When Cas returns to find Jimmy wounded, he possesses Jimmy’s daughter Claire instead. Cas assures Jimmy that he has done well and will be rewarded in heaven, but Jimmy insists that Cas not subject Claire to the rigors and pains of possession, and Cas agrees to possess Jimmy once again. Cas then reveals to Dean that his trip to heaven has cured him of his doubts and that he serves heaven… not Dean. The boys return to Bobby’s, being all fraught with one another about Sam’s recent confession to Dean that he’s been drinking demon blood. Bobby and Dean trick Sam into the panic room and lock him in, hoping to force him to detox from the blood.

Below is a log of our real-time reactions as we watched. Remember that there may be spoilers for any part of SPN’s 15-season run here. Note also that the nature of our conversation is adult and thus it may contain adult language and themes.

[and we begin:]

Lor:

omg. He deserves to sit by a quiet lake and fish

Mace:

Misha looks so young and gorgeous

Lor:

he DOES

Lor:

the way you know IMMEDIATELY it's not Cas

Mace:

is he…doing a higher-than-his-real-voice voice?

Mace:

or has his voice lowered a bit with age, I wonder

Lor:

yeah I'm not sure. he is for sure doing a higher than Cas voice

Lor:

aw Dean doesn't like that Cas isn't in there anymore. like not just that he doesn't know where Cas is, but like, that is supposed to be Cas and it's NOT

Mace:

YEP

Mace:

I wonder, if Cas never returned at this point, would Dean and Jimmy have gotten together?

Lor:

naah

Lor:

he's too... vanilla

Mace:

but he’s also HOT

Lor:

that IS true

Mace:

and Cas isn’t exactly spicy

Lor:

he WOULD have a lot of fun undoing that aaaaall the way up tie

Lor:

Cas's Dom brow begs to differ

Mace:

may i remind you that those eyebrows belong, in fact, to Jimmy

Lor:

but he doesn't DEPLOY them

Mace:

oookay

Lor:

omg he's just little

Mace:

Oh Sammy

Mace:

we gots to get you off the juice, man

Lor:

right?

Lor:

"was it a refreshing Coke?" Dean, you little shit, I love you

Mace:

snork

Mace:

HANDS

Lor:

YES

Lor:

oooh, I forgot Jimmy cooks. maybe they WOULD get together

Lor:

but he'd have to stop putting his arm in boiling water. Dean's little caretaker heart couldn't take it

Mace:

okay, i relent. Dom Cas just made Jimmy boil his own fucking hand

Lor:

HAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA

Lor:

MACE

Lor:

we just flipflopped

Mace:

oh gross. HER again

Mace:

WE DID

Lor:

ug Anna

Mace:

well, no, actually. I never stopped liking the idea of Dean and Jimmy

Mace:

Jimmy Dean sausage, baby

Lor:

HAHAHAHAHAHA omg dude

Mace:

(oh I just grossed myself out. apologies)

Lor:

(lololololol)

Lor:

oh Jimmy you're gonna be in so much trouble

Mace:

he is SO pretty

Lor:

omg LOOKIT him just lounged there in his t-shirt

Mace:

YAS

Lor:

I mean, if he took the pills, he'd still hear Cas....

Mace:

omg what an idiot. don’t leave him! who tf cares if he takes meds HE’S FLIPPING HOT

Lor:

HAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA

Lor:

and he's not dangerous?

Mace:

well, a little dangerous would be okay...

Lor:

lol

Mace:

ooof that closeup of his LIPS

Lor:

it's like he's all INNOCENT

Lor:

omg the HEAD TILT

Mace:

YES

Mace:

“like what?” like boning? I’d be ready for boning

Lor:

HAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA

Lor:

Amelia kind of annoys me

Mace:

oh LOOKIT HIM with the daughter

Mace:

yeah me too

Mace:

they all drink milk SO WHOLESOME

Lor:

I get her need to protect herself and especially Claire, but her lack of compassion with her husband who she thinks is having a mental break makes me nuts

Lor:

RIGHT?

Mace:

omg the tears in his eyes HE IS SO GOOD

Mace:

YEP

Lor:

omg the way his voice breaks when he says he's not gonna say grace

Mace:

YES

Mace:

Oh Jimmy

Lor:

right?

Lor:

feeling kinda stupid now, AREN'T WE, Amelia?

Mace:

look, Amelia, THAT’s how you support your spouse

Lor:

LOLOLOL

Lor:

"I'm sorry we were" poor Dean just wants to keep people out of this shit

Mace:

yeah

Lor:

jeez Sammy

Mace:

he’s got the DTs leave him be

Lor:

oh fine

Lor:

oh Sammy

Mace:

right? poor tiger

Lor:

Amelia's not here anymore

Mace:

snork

Lor:

heckle and jeckle lol

Mace:

snork!

Mace:

omg Dean’s face when Jimmy gets shot

Lor:

right?

Mace:

yeeeah, they SO wouldn’t get together…

Lor:

picture the look I am giving you

Mace:

aw, loving adoration. thanks, friend.

Lor:

LOLOLOLOLOLOL

Mace:

yes, I AM so smart and pretty

Mace:

omg Sammy

Lor:

you ARE

Lor:

ooof Sam

Lor:

and Dean's face

Mace:

YES

Lor:

and Cas!Claire all with the judgement

Mace:

YEP

Mace:

Misha is SO GOOD

Lor:

RIGHT?

Lor:

there are individual performances of all three of them that were absolutely emmy worthy

Mace:

Dean’s all “hello, boyfriend."

Mace:

YES

Lor:

YEP

Lor:

"and I certainly don't serve you"

Mace:

ooooh playing hard to get

Mace:

SMART

Lor:

whatever you gotta tell yourself, hon

Lor:

HAAAHAHAHA

Lor:

oh man, Dean's in a snit. brother's an addict, boyfriend's pretending he doesn't care

Mace:

Sammy. Read the car. Dean has other troubles right now. Boyfriend is playing hard to get.

Lor:

"mostly I'm just tired, man." oooof

Lor:

LOL

Mace:

yeah

Mace:

“shag ass"

Lor:

RIGHT?

Mace:

I ADORE that expression

Lor:

YES

Mace:

BOBBY NO

Mace:

At least put me in there with him, dude

Lor:

oooooo Dean and Bobby setting him up offscreen

Lor:

HA!

[paarthurnax59]

"Soul of Liberty"

chapter 3

 Warnings: swearing, angst, and hating on exes   

Dean packed a small bag for the next few days while traveling to New York city. He made sure to bring a suit, fake IDs and a copy of the invitation to the Gala. He needed to find a way to get passed security when he got there. Not to mention how expensive New York was and getting a motel was going to be pricier. But he was determined. Dean was determined to expose you for what you are in front of the whole world if he must. Then maybe you would be as miserable and alone as he was. The Avengers would dump you and forget about you and making sure the entire world would turn against you. It’s what you really deserved after all.

   He just got his stuff together and placed it all in the Impala when he saw Sam in the doorway to the garage with his arms folded. 

“What do you want, Sam?” Dean scowled at him closing the door to his baby.

“Dean, where are you going?” Sam asked not moving from his spot. 

“Going on a little vacation, Sammy. I need sometime away, and I don’t have a long time.” He replied 

“Dean, I know what you are doing. It’s written all over your face.” Sam looked at him giving him a puppy dog face when he’s trying to talk him out of something. “Dean, please just let it go. Let (Name) go and just live your life. Don’t let her get to you like this.” Sam trying to reason with his older brother who as stubborn as their own father. “Besides, if the Avengers find out what you are trying to do, they will tear you apart.”

“Not if I exposed her in front them and the whole world. Let’s see how loyal they’ll be when they find out how much a dirty, backstabbing whore she is.” Dean huffed with a smirk while Sam looked at him like he wasn’t even looking at his brother.

“Is that what you are trying to do? Ruin her life that she has now?”

“She ruined mine, Sam. Now I think it’s time I return the favor. I’m tired of hearing on the freaking news, from the people we interview and even other hunters of how freaking amazing she is and when I tell someone I used to be married to her, they laugh at me and say ‘Yeah, right keep on dreaming pal, none of us are that lucky!’ She’s defiantly out of your league!” Dean confessed to Sam and the younger man’s eyes grew wide. “and as for her powers and that freaky hair color of hers? You know how she got them? Because I have a very good idea.”

“And what idea is that dean?” Sam asked, starting to feel very tired about hearing his brother’s crazy ideas.

“She sold her soul to become a superhero, plus to make her so attractive that no man would be able to resist her, not even Captain America himself.” Sam’s eyes furrowed his eyebrows when his brother alleged his ex had done. “Yeah, pathetic right? That she needed to sell her own black soul to be something to someone, because she knows no one would love her for who and what she is. A fraud and a cheater. She wanted to remain relevant and be something that she isn’t and get men like Steve Rogers. Knowing well she couldn’t do better than me if she were still an unattractive nobody.”

“Dean, you don’t have any proof of that. And if she did, she is going to be biting the dust in ten years and being tortured in Hell.  She’s done for in a few years.” Sam retorted trying to stop his brother from making a huge mistake. “As for ruining your life, she’s only doing that because you are obsessing over her. She wasn’t the one that made her cheat on your girlfriend that you were so proud to have that you rubbed it in her face, that was you. (Name)’s got nothing to do with what is happening now. We haven’t even seen her sense that day at the restaurant all those years ago.” Sam continued to try to reason with his brother who mind seemed to be too warped to see sense. “And of course, people are not going to believe that you were married to her. To them you’re a nobody, but she is known superhero throughout the world.” Sam tried to talk but all Dean did was scowl at him, wondering why his brother is defending the slut that cheated on him with his soulless body. “Besides, have you seen her fight? We see her tearing robots apart and that sword she has?! It slices through metal! FREAKING METAL! God’s sakes! She will beat the living daylights out you if the Avengers don’t get a hold of you first! You’re a dead man if you even try this!”

“Why are you defending her so much? You remember what she did to me? To us? She tore us apart for months and didn’t have a good excuse for it.”  Dean spat out spitefully waving his arms around. 

“Dean, that was years ago. Just let it go.”

“Do you want to fuck her too?” Dean accused him making Sam’s eyes grow wide while he took a small gasp.

“Dean…you can’t be serious. Do you even hear yourself?” Sam answered shaking his head his brother.

“I mean, you already did, didn’t you? while I was still married to her?” Dean scowled at him stepping closer to Sam. 

“Dean, I was soulless! I didn’t know what I was doing! You knew that! I would have never slept with your wife if I was still me!” Sam reasonably defended himself, knowing Dean must understand that he would never hurt him like that intentionally.

“Then why are you defending her? She blamed you for the affair remember?! Tell me Sam, how long did you have a thing for my ex-wife, uh? When was I first met her or when he first started dating? Or was it after I tied-the-knot with her? When was it? I mean, I know for a fact you could do better Sam, but I have seen you with some nasty chicks before, like Ruby.” Dean stared at him leaving his brother in absolute state of disbelief. Had his brother hit a new low? Why had he gotten so dark all of a sudden? Did Dean really hate (Name) that much to want to risk everything that he had built? Sam was about to say about Dean’s ludicrous claims suddenly Castiel appeared next to Dean.

“Don’t do this, Dean. You are better than this. We all hate (Name) for what she did to you, but this is taking it too far. You need to stop, or things are going to get worse for you. You already lost your girlfriend, who was a good woman. You really think trying to ruin (Name)’s life is going to make you feel better? You think this will give you closure? You think you will be happy after this? Guess what, Dean? It won’t!” Castiel trying to help but Dean just sneered at him. 

“Yeah, it will. I’m not going to sit here and watch the bitch that betrayed me get everything because she saves the world a couple of times, while we saved the world more times long before the Avengers even existed. She doesn’t deserve it. Any of it.” Dean grumbled going to the front seat  if his car and almost got in when Castiel zapped in at his side and grabbed on to Dean’s shoulder. 

“Dean, I’m begging you. Don’t do this.” Castiel warned him one finally time, he wasn’t going to physically stop him. Dean shrugged him off and got in the driver’s seat and slammed the door shut. He turned baby on and opened the garage door to the open road and one his way to the east coast to settle the score with (Name). If he can’t be happy after the divorce, then neither should she. 

……………………………………………………………………………………………………

    Dean had arrived in New York in less than a day, nonstop trip with no rest or sleep. Only stopping for food or to go to the bathroom, not wanting to waste any time trying to get everything ready. When he checked into the motel in New Jersey, he spent days preparing for crashing the Gala to expose his disgusting ex in front of her new “friends”.  When the day finally arrived for the Gala, Dean donned on a security guard uniform and drove to the metropolitan Museum. Dean’s mouth gasped when he saw all the rich and powerful gathered to drink wine that costs more than what his baby was worth. He searched the crowd of the elegantly dressed people to see if he could get a good glimpse of (Name) anywhere.

“Where are you, you bitch?” Dean grunted as he took out his binoculars. He act as if it was a normal hunt going after a monster. Only instead of killing a monster, he was going to reveal one. The destroy the image that everyone perceived her to be and show the world of what she really was. He just had spot his target and get passed security. 

Then, he saw a black Mercedes pull up on to the red carpet of the MET and could see the famous Captain America get out of the car with the help of the chauffeur. He was wearing what looked like a designer black tuxedo with a bowtie. and then he saw her.

(Name) emerges out of the luxury car, and to say she was beautiful was an understatement. She looked like an absolute goddess. Her long white, hair was styled in elegant 40’s curls. Her make up done so exquisitely that it made her skin look completely flawless, like she was a model. And don’t get him started on the dress. The dress she wore was most defiantly a high-end designer gown with a dark shade of blue that was off the shoulders and an A-line skirt, like the evening sky. The dress probably cost more than what he and Sam would spend more on groceries for an entire year. She looked incredible and Dean hated it. 

    Dean then sees Captain America grab her hand and she smiled as he escorted her up the steps of the museum and to the party. The crowd clapped and applauded the pair, and she sheepishly waved her hand at the crowd as she grabbed onto Captain America’s arm nervously. He whispers something her ear and she giggled.  Dean can’t lie when he thought about how beautiful (Name)’s smile was. He imagines her laugh when he remembered the time they would laugh together.

  Dean suddenly had his blood boil once again watching his ex-wife, cozy up to the biggest heart throb in America. 

“Oh… feeling jealous now, are we Dean? I mean really don’t blame you either. She looks otherworldly. No wonder so many men are falling in love with her.”  Said the voice in his head while watching his beautiful ex. 

“Shut up! I am not jealous. I just think it’s disgusting that someone as awful as her is with a guy like him! He must not know about her shady past. Poor Bastard.” Dean said looking back to his binoculars again. “I’ll be doing the guy a favor by exposing her before they get super serious. She needs to be knocked down a peg and I’m the one person that do that.”

‘You know, for someone who claims to be over a cheating ex, you sure do like to obsess over her like an addict. Not everything is as it seems, Dean. You don’t know what happened to her during those five years since you have seen her and a lot can happen, Dean. She could have changed for the better.”

“Shut up will you! Look at her! Do you really think she has suffered?! she’s a world-famous superhero, drop-dead gorgeous and is dating captain pretty boy? Yeah, I think she’s doing pretty good for herself. Then again, she sold her soul for it, so no she doesn’t deserve it! Besides, do you think I care what she had been through?! After what she did to me?! Why does she deserve to be happy?! Why?!” he yelled back, not knowing why he was talking to these voices in his head.

"You would be surprised at what you find out, Dean. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you of what you may discover.” Said the voice again but Dean didn’t want to listen. He then zeroed in on his focus on (Name) and her date, wanting to puke. She cheated on him and she gets to be the arm candy to the Steve Rogers, Mister virtue and righteousness? Not on his watch.  He parks his car in a place where it would not be spotted by large crowd. Time to get to work.

[ambersock]

I feel like Dean has tried to kill sam quite a bit throughout the 15 seasons of supernatural

Like I know they've both tried to kill each other because of various supernatural beings cursing or possessing them, but it kind of feels like dean holds it against sam more than sam holds it against dean. Sam almost always immediately offers forgiveness and says he knows it wasn't dean, but dean doesn't really say the same in return. It's like he holds on to so much against sam and he can never let it go, not the same way he can for literally anybody else. But it's just wild to me that with all that he holds against sam, sam never does the same back, he doesnt bring up all the times dean has harmed/tried to kill him (or if he does I just haven't made it to that episode yet)

Anyway there's no real question here I just kind of wanted to rant about sam

Funny you should bring that up, I have a fic for that:

Your feelings about Dean holding things against Sam are absolutely valid and fully supported by canon, and I've got concrete examples below. Warning, there are spoilers through s10 if you haven't gotten that far.

1x10 Asylum

While under the influence of Ellicott, Sam tries to shoot Dean. Afterwards, Sam apologizes, but Dean doesn’t accept it. Dean relents only after Sam asks if they need to talk about it.

2x14 Born Under a Bad Sign

Meg shoots Dean while possessing Sam. After Meg is exorcised, while Sam is in pain from a severe burn with a hot poker, Dean punches him.

4x14 Sex and Violence

Dean tries to kill Sam with an axe and is stopped at the last second by Bobby. The next day (4x15), after Sam has already apologized multiple times for what was said under the siren’s influence, we get Dean’s passive-aggressive, downright whiney “I don't want to be holding you back or nothin’.” There is no apology from Dean for the things he said or, more importantly, for trying to kill Sam.

8x06 Southern Comfort

Dean tries to shoot Sam while under the influence of the Confederate soldier’s ghost. Afterwards, Sam is justifiably angry about the things Dean said, but the very next episode, it’s like nothing ever happened and the first thing Sam does is try to ease Dean’s guilt about leaving Cas in Purgatory.

Now here’s the kicker: the things that Dean said while possessed were things that he never stopped holding against Sam even after Sam spent 180 years being tortured in the cage. Some of which Dean even admitted weren’t Sam’s fault back in 5x05. But wait, there’s more: he also held Sam coming back without a soul against him, something that was obviously out of his control. “But,” you may say, “he just said those things because he was possessed.” To which I respond by pointing out that the laundry list of Sam’s failures that Dean called out in 10x23 were the same things he called Sam out for while possessed: "All right. Well, I'm just spit-balling here, but if I were you, uh… Ruby, killing Lilith, letting Lucifer out, losing your soul, not looking for me when I went to Purgatory"

(And BTW, I have a fic for that too. A few, actually.)

10x03 Soul Survivor

Dean psychologically assaults Sam with the most emotionally damaging things he can think of to say, then hunts him down and tries to brain him with a hammer. Sam responds by running out to “pick him up a big ol’ bag of crap food and stuff it in his face” himself.

10x23 Brother’s Keeper

Dean lures Sam to the restaurant to kill him, calls him evil, tells him he deserves to die, tells him it was a mistake to stop Sam from sacrificing himself in 8x23. Sam responds by telling him, “You will never, ever hear me say that you -- the real you -- is anything but good.”

[kiyaar]

Tell me about the things Destiel does for you? Is it the way Cas has torn himself apart (metaphysically, spiritually, his literal true form is mutated and scarred) for his love of Dean, but in a way Dean cannot physically SEE without it burning his eyes out, that all the other angels and demons keep insinuating Dean or Castiel himself has done SOMETHING permanent and transformative to his true form, but Dean brushes it aside as queer innuendo? That he CAN'T accept that Cas loves him so much it’s broken him or else he has to acknowledge that love or shoulder the burden of being the very poison to people he loves just like he’s always feared? And Dean brushing off the angel's comments might make Cas feel like Dean doesn’t really care rather then him not understanding/shielding himself?

(And that Cas's final act forced him to face all of that?)

Or that Dean, a man that went selectively mute as a child after the fire for almost a year, can't ever SAY what he wants. How he needs people to see past his protective, false layers of bravado and machismo to know what he's truly asking for. And this man that can't ask directly loves so dearly this Alien Being that can see HIM as he is truly, but lacks the experience, context, (and self esteem)* to read between the lines of “you're family” “stop being stupid and listen to me” “… you leaving?” and “I need you” instead of hearing: “I care about you so much I will die without you just like I would without my brother” “be safe I don’t want you hurt” “please stay” and “I love you”. And thru Cas's lack of comprehension Dean takes it as rejection over and over? That this man that hates his inability to speak at the right time or to say what he needs to say, who hates that he reacts with anger or silence instead, can’t say anything back to Cas that MEANS half of what Cas said at the very end

*(Cas at the beginning and later at points thru the hazes of regret and self loathing Cas hears “we are of a few comrades in this fight” “I don’t trust your judgment you idiot” “please leave already” and “you can stay because you are useful”

He SOMETIMES gets to “you are part of a very small group of friends we trust” “please don't get in trouble we have to bail you out on” “what are you up to? Want to watch a movie?” and “my life is easier and better with you in it buddy”)

i think it has to do with queer loneliness for me. i come to spn assuming dean winchester is a deeply closeted bi man and is dealing with some hefty queerphobic daddy issues and is also like big into self-denial and masking and self-destruction via substance and willing himself to be a human tumbleweed to deal with those issues. okay. in comes castiel whose first relationship move as a weapon (!!) of heaven is to literally brand him, singlehandedly pull him out of hell and then imprint on DEAN PERSONALLY which is like. a (queer) trauma savior fantasy.

castiel laid a hand on you and he was LOST! like! fuck me!! (–dean winchester, probably –) no one has ever loved me that way and certainly i can't deserve it and god i want to keep it but i don't know how! and like. the Show puts them in RIDICULOUS situations like. the world is ending. i sold my soul. i was tortured for 40 years for nothing. you can't go home again but sometimes home comes to pull you out of hell. dean goes to hell a child and he comes out an old man. he drinks and he gripes and he cries a lot but jesus god, i'd cry too. who on EARTH is going to understand that experience? no one has the language to talk about time like that, the absence of it, the agony of the duration, the skip. castiel does, because he's ancient as fuck.

it would be far less compelling to me if dean could articulate what he wants and needs and loves, but he has trauma blinders and castiel is like. he is so dangerous! but in the way a weapon in the hand is dangerous to the holder if the holder keeps fucking pointing it at himself. and castiel's only (successful) love language is burning the world down for dean and dean doesn't fucking want it! or he doesn't want it like that! or he wants normal things, instead, like consistency and a relationship that isn't constantly chafing his avoidant attachment and abandonment issues - but all he knows how to do is be mad and seethe and wrap it all up and cry about it behind a locked door in a hotel room he shares with his dipshit brother! god!! man cannot handle being loved unconditionally and he makes it everyone's problem! i'm unwell! see also: Mitski_I'm Your Man.mp3

[toxic-ship-tournament]

ROUND 1 / SIDE A / POLL 2

Dorian x Beau ( @monoma-neitoblog-blog )vs Deputy Dean Sinclaire x Jacob Seed ( @derelictheretic )

who makes up your ship?:

Dorian x Beau

why does your ship deserve to be considered the most toxic?:

Beau and Dorian were childhood best friends. They've known each other since they were little and they became even closer as they grew up. They dated for a little while, and had an unofficial third in their other best friend, Orias. But Beau moved away to seek better opportunity (because he desperately wants to be famous) and broke up with Dorian before leaving. Fairly healthy so far right? But Dorian is a MESS. He's super reserved and never deals with his emotions, but he just WILL NOT leave Beau alone. It's bad, like every night he calls him and leaves him some heart-wrenching and VERY manipulative voice-mail, he sits there crying all the time, admits he would do ANYTHING to see him again. Beau just ignores him the whole time. Eventually, they're brought back together in a VERY public setting, with Orias there too (who has been watching Dorian crumble this whole time) and they all hook up. Beau wants to keep it hush-hush and not get back together with Dorian but Dorian is so glad to have Beau back. Orias wants to stay with both of them but doesn't do anything about their relationship either. Eventually Beau and Dorian kind of get back together? But it's still a mutually destructive relationship because of their inherently conflicting priorities and incompatible personalities. It's bad Tl;dr Beau left because he wanted to be famous and Dorian won't leave him alone so them and another friend are all brought back together and get back together even though they're all worse off for it.

ship tags/playlists/pinterest boards?:

I don't have any art of all of them together but feel free to contact me and I'll find a way to whip something up!

****

who makes up your ship?:

Deputy Dean Sinclaire x Jacob Seed

why does your ship deserve to be considered the most toxic?:

It all starts with Jacob kidnapping Dean, or having his chosen kidnap him for him technically. You know, how most loving relationships start. Then it goes into Jacob starving Dean for weeks, mentally conditioning him, psychologically torturing him and chipping away at his mental resolve until he breaks and becomes the perfect murder machine; which is when Jacob tricks him into killing one of his closest allies. (Not to mention his initial goal was to make someone deserving of killing him, romance in self destruction via outward force and so on and so forth). After all of this you'd think they hate each other and honestly a part of Dean does hate him but another part of him craves his praise and attention and he knows he's too far gone at this point and the only person who could love a monster is another monster. He's everything he ever feared he'd become and Jacob is the now steady force holding all his broken peices together. Congrats to Jacob for literally making him worse! And congrats to Dean for making Jacob unhealthily obsessed with him and making him feel something for the first time in years! Even if it was possessiveness and a twisted version of love! They beat the shit out of each other on multiple occasions, sometimes before or during sex. They threaten to kill the other's families and almost go through with it a few times. By the end Dean is willing to kill anyone who tries to hurt Jacob and Jacob is willing to do the same, they're tragic, they're toxic, they're the worst, they make everyone uncomfortable and they'll probably die covered in each other's blood. But at least they'll be holding hands <3

ship tags/playlists/pinterest boards?:

Tag: #ship: Only Us Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4GDAKjOCyUKxWqw7acgzgi Pinterest: https://pin.it/2WOuuEp

[silverlining317]

High Infidelity

I imagine that Dean always had the doubt of whether Ginny cheated on him. Ginny for her part tries to be noble in her own way.

------------------------------------------------------------

"Ginny, wait..." Dean started running after his ex-girlfriend. Ginny quickened her step. It wasn't the first time she had heard that phrase from his mouth, and for a month, she had done everything in her power to escape the conversation that preceded the call of her name -"'Please''- Dean said - ''I promise not to talk about us, I just want to know if you're okay'' -"Okay?" - Ginny stopped short just inches from the great hall. -'' I heard that Harry broke up with you and...'' "Of course" -Ginny laughed- "Is that why you came for? To rub it in my face that now I am the one they left? Are you happy to know that you were right? That Harry was just using me to feed his ego because there was no way someone could get over the chosen one?'' -'' I'm sorry I said those things to you''- Dean sighed- ''We had broken up for no apparent reason and you were already snogging him  in front of the whole school...'' "I didn't want to have that conversation then and I don't want to have it right now" -Ginny straightened up - "Have a nice break." -'' Please, Ginny''- Dean stopped in front of her, cutting her way- ''Don't you think I deserve it? I never got between you two nor fed the rumors that you had been cheating on me all along.'' -'' Well, maybe you should have listened to them''-said Ginny uninterested "What are you talking about?" Dean said with his mouth half open. -'' I cheated. For months. Maybe all summer, it feels so far away now that I can't remember.'' A pair of third-year girls had stopped a few statuettes away. -"It's not funny," Dean said through gritted teeth. -"It's not meant to be a joke" -Ginny said, walking back to the great hall. -‘’ Are you going to leave after telling me that?" -Dean said, taking her by the elbow. -"Let me go" -Ginny lowered her eyes to the elbow, and just as that Dean let go of her arm. -'' I do not understand.''- Dean move his head- ''Why would you two do something like that to me? We have always been friends'' -'' Do I really have to spell it out for you? We all know the only reason I didn't break up with you sooner was that I didn't want to miss that thrill of seeing him jealous. I spent the entire Christmas break flirting with him and pretending you didn't exist. So yes, maybe  we didn't kiss sooner but I definitely cheat'' -'' Are you okay, Dean?'' - Ginny approached touching his shoulder- ''Do you see now how painful it is to be asked how you are?... When they see you on the floor bleeding to death…''

"I don't recognize you," Dean said with glazed eyes.

-''I'm sorry, perhaps I bent the truth too far around. I spent the whole year trying to ignore what I felt, even though you insist me to tell the truth  . I was dancing around. Wasn’t i?''

"You don't have to go on," Dean said.

"Why not?" Ginny said. "You told me you want to know how I was doing? You have been chasing me for a month now to make me confess that I had been unfaithful. How many times exactly did you ask me after the final what I saw in him? I never knew what you expected me to say. I mean, Do I really have to chart the constellations in his eyes? You used to make fun about my valentine song so often... I bet its not the only thing you regret now.''

"I was a lousy girlfriend to you," Ginny laughed. "It feels liberating to say it out loud.But don't worry, destiny is making sure that I pay the consequences. Everyone is staring at me now. Some even with pity. They know that he left me scarred. I'm going to be the first one they come to question and the first one they come to torture...''

The voices in the great hall were louder and lower than ever.

-Ginny...

-'' Yeah. So perhaps everyone should know that I've been cheating on you all this time, because of the three of us you're the only one with a chance of getting out clean from this story. Take care Dean...please''