#I just realised that I am finding it difficult to interact on phone too

[call-me-as-you-want]

Heyyy . How are studies going ?! Take care of yourself please . Ily

heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! I have no answer to your question just like in examhall!!

and uhnmmmmmmm thank you ..👽👀

[loveandmurders]

The Sun of Ambrose V (lost Sinclair!daughter reader AU)

Hi everyone, this is the final part of my Sinclair!daughter AU in which the reader is Bo's daughter and she has been taken away and adopted by a new family.

You can find part I here.

Hope you'll enjoy! <3

Warnings: no proof reading, killer!reader, mentions of guilt, violence, murders, blood, some sort of dark angst/comfort

You quite enjoyed your summer break in Ambrose. You loved to sculpt with Vincent, you loved to watch your dad work on a car and to have him show you things, you loved to wander around with Lester. You loved to play with Jonesy as well. Everything felt good. You never slept so well in years, because you were finally feeling safe enough to fully relax.

You hadn’t asked about the tourists anymore because you didn’t have enough strength for more drama for the moment. And whenever people were coming around, the brothers made sure you were busy somewhere else in the town or with Lester. You pretended you didn’t notice anything. You just wanted to be happy. 

And for the moment, your own desire to kill has quieted down. You were still feeling sick from the murder of your mother.

The brothers didn’t notice anything amiss; apart from the fact they still hadn’t heard the sound of your voice, you were once again their ray of sunshine. You were making them so full of joy. The twins were talking, late in the night, about the legacy once again. They hadn’t thought they could resume their plans on this matter. They were so relieved.

However they were a little bit concerned about your adoptive father. They were certain that even if the man wasn’t doing too well for the moment, at some point he would want to get “his daughter” back. The twins had no idea how to cut him out of your life without killing him. Bo would love to murder him - out of jealousy - but he knew that you would know it one day, and he didn’t want to upset you that way. Both your mothers already died after all…

You were having a snack in Bo’s garage while he was taking care of a new car. You were sucking on the chocolate that dripped on your fingers, as you were listening to the music your father put on. You were both enjoying each other's presence even if you weren’t interacting directly. Bo was always a lot more at ease when you were in the same room than him or at least in his line of vision. He was still traumatised; he lost you once, and he promised himself it would never happen again.

You slightly jumped when you felt your phone buzzing next to you. You grabbed it and frowned when you saw it was your adoptive father. Bo noticed the look on your face.

“What’s up, baby?” he asked you as he came closer to you. You put your phone on your lap so you could sign

“He is wondering where I am.” you replied, knowing Bo would understand who was the “he”. You father rolled his eyes and groaned

“Oh so he remembered he's supposed to look after ya?” he ironized and your crossed your arms on your chest “Don’t pout” he hummed and kissed the top of your head

“I’ll have to tell him I’m here. I can’t lie to him about that. Just be nice to him, okay? Things are difficult and… And he won’t be happy about the situation because…” you trailed off

“Because what?”

“Well before mom got sick, she discovered I was chatting with you and Vince and Les, and she was worried about me. She wanted to call the cops on you” you explained. Bo didn’t show any emotion but you read in his eyes that he was quite concerned about such news

“Luckily she got sick then” he commented out loud before realising it “Sorry, love, I didn’t mean it like that” he quickly added as you looked away. Luck had really nothing to do with it, you thought.

“Anyway, I will tell him I’m here. And he’ll probably come get me. I’m just gonna make sure he doesn’t call the police or anyone” you promised as you got up and left the garage

You needed to be alone to write to your adoptive father: “Hey dad, are you feeling better? I didn’t really have anywhere to go so I went back to Ambrose. Everyone is very nice to me and Bo is inviting you over (so please don’t call the police, they really didn’t do anything wrong!). Will you bring me back home?”

The answer was almost instantaneous: “Yes, I will. I won’t call the police because I shouldn’t have asked you to go away in the first place. Love you, I’m sorry for everything”

You were relieved, knowing he wouldn’t be lying to you, not after what happened, not when he had failed his mission of taking care of you.

You came back home and settled at the kitchen table, thinking about what to do next. You didn’t want to leave Ambrose but you wouldn’t be allowed to stay here. You tried to busy yourself on some silly games on your phone but soon enough you grew bored. You were feeling quite upset as well. For the first time in weeks, you wanted to kill someone. You needed to express yourself in another way than sculpting or drawing. You needed to take out your frustration on someone, but there was no one to kill here.

Vincent opened the basement door, in need of some water when he saw you. He quickly saw you weren’t your usual happy self. He put an hand on your shoulder for you to look up at him before signing:

“What’s wrong?”

“My adoptive father will come get me. I think he should be here tonight” you replied

“Do you want to go?” Vincent tilted his head to the head, you quickly shook your head

“No, but I can’t really do anything about it”

You could tell that Vincent wanted to say something but didn’t dare and he simply sadly nodded his head at you.

“How about we make something together? Would it cheer you up?” he offered, which made you smile

“I’d love to”

As you focused on the art you were making with Vincent, you forgot about your adoptive father and you forgot about the time. Your need to kill quietened down, but was still there, waiting for you to be on your own to eat you up alive once again.

You were about to finish a sculpture of Jonesy you intended to offer to Lester, when you heard two vehicles coming into Ambrose. You looked at the window, but didn’t recognise your adoptive father’s car. There were lost “tourists” who were following behind Lester’s truck. Vincent tensed and looked at the clock before asking you:

“When do you think your adoptive father will come here?”

“I’m not sure, soon I guess” you shrugged but you saw the panic rising into Vincent’s eye

“Alright. I let you finish the sculpture without me. We have work to do. Stay here, please.” Vincent replied

“What work?” you frowned

“Promise me you will stay here” Vincent asked, firmly signing each work. You understood he was pretty serious about it

“Of course, I promise you, uncle” you finally replied as you sat back down and watched Vincent leave the room and go back into the basement.

You were about to go back to your sculpture when you heard people violently arguing. The “tourists” didn’t seem to be too happy with Bo. Lester was quick to intervene as well. You watched the scene of a man pushing Lester to the ground, and Bo hitting the said man. Your eyes widened at such a display of violence. You nibbled on your bottom lip. Were your family killers, or was it just bad people disrupting the peace of Ambrose?

You saw that things were getting pretty rough between the three tourists and your father and uncle. You wondered where Vincent was, and almost got into the basement to look for him… Until you saw your adoptive father’s car coming into view. He really couldn’t have arrived at the worst moment. He stopped in front of the garage and tried to put himself between Bo and the man, and to appease the situation. Bo asked him to go away, you guessed, according to his gestures. And your adoptive father refused.

You were too far away to see everything, and even more when they seemed to come more into Bo’s garage. You just knew that at some point someone screamed. Two tourists ran away, Lester ran after them with what seemed like a knife, and Bo was covered in blood. You had to stop yourself from leaving the house. You wanted to help, and you wanted to be the one covered in blood. However, you never broke a promise you made to your family before, so you had to be better, you had to stay inside. You didn’t know where your adoptive father was anymore and you grew worried. How could things go so badly after such happy weeks in Ambrose?

Bo grabbed a rifle and was about to go after the tourists when he received a massive hit on the head from behind and fell on the ground. You saw your adoptive father with some mechanic tool in his hands.

You couldn’t stop yourself this time. You took the gun Bo was hiding under his armchair and ran to the garage. You had to stop them, you had to do something about it. You couldn’t scream or you would have. Your legs brought you in front of the two men with such speed, as the adrenaline was pumping into your veins. Before you knew it, you aimed at them.

Your adoptive father who was ready to hit Bo stopped his movement as he noticed you and he brought his hands in front of him. Bo was still on the ground, pretty disoriented by the hit he received on the head. He looked up and saw you. You had never looked so much like a Sinclair before. He knew you were his daughter then; he wouldn’t even be disappointed if you decided to kill him.

You were perfect.

“What are you doing? Shoot him, shoot him! He killed the guy, and he wants to kill us all. Your mother was right, they are murderers!” you adoptive father yelled as you eyes moved between him and Bo

“I won’t hurt ya, baby” Bo whispered to you “Everythin’s alright” he continued, trying to sooth you. And one thing was certain, you wouldn’t stand to never hear him talking to you like that anymore.

You looked back at your adoptive father, tears in your eyes. You wanted to tell him how sorry you were about what you were going to do, about what you did to his wife, but with the gun in your hands, you couldn’t.

You shooted and closed your eyes. His body loudly fell to the ground and you shivered. You looked down at Bo and helped him to get up.

He quickly hugged you before gently rocking you, so you could calm down. You didn’t cry in his embrace, you felt at peace. You felt like everything was as it always should have been.

“Ya alright?” Bo whispered to you as he cupped your face into his bloody hands. You nodded and sniffed.

Screams resonated from the House of Wax and you moved from Bo. You were ready to help, you were ready to kill some more but Bo grabbed your wrist. He softly took the gun from you and kissed the palm of your hand.

“Don’t worry, baby. Les and Vince are taking care of the two others. Ya can rest now. Ya did amazin’. Ya saved me, ya saved the family” he hummed, pride shining into his eyes. “Told ya everythin’ was gonna be alright,” he added as he brought you back against him once again.

You couldn’t fully relax, not knowing if your uncles were doing alright. You kept your face towards the House of Wax, waiting for them. Soon enough, you saw them pulling two bodies out of the museum and you felt the adrenaline leaving you.

“I need to sit down” you signed to your dad who quickly nodded. He opened Lester’s truck and sat you down at the passenger seat, as it was the most comfy place he could offer for the moment. He didn’t want you to see the body of your adoptive father either.

“Stay here, I’ll be back soon” he murmured. He needed to let his brothers know about what happened. 

Soon enough, they were all around you. You quickly scanned them, to make sure they were unharmed. They didn’t really know what to tell you. They were happy, of course, but they weren’t too sure how you were feeling. You killed the man who raised you for years, after all.

Truth to be told, you used to feel guilty because of the death of his wife that was driving him crazy, but now they were back together. You felt free. You felt ready to kill again, to kill for the family business.

“Bo told us ya did the right thin’” Lester told you and you gave him a soft smile “Feelin’ all good?” he asked and you nodded.

“You don’t have to feel bad for having… killed him, you know. You protected your real father, you protected us. You did what you had to do” Vincent signed to you, even if Bo and Lester weren’t too sure that reminding you you killed him was a good idea. To their surprise, you relaxed into the seat and nodded again.

“I am a Sinclair” you said in a rough voice you hadn’t used in years.

--

Taglist : @murder-hobo - @lacychick ; @magical-sass ; @limehaspassed ; @loveinglymessedup ; @bloodmoon-bites ; @iwantsleepplz ; @kawaistrawberry21 ; @12gaugefalls ; @kriston1210 ; @slushi-chan

[imagine-that-100]

Will We Talk | Part 4 ~ Teaser

A/N: I'm hella sorry that it's not the full part besties, I truly am. But I'm giving you a good chunk of it to give you something to look forward to. I'm aiming to post the full thing before the end of the month. I've just checked im up to 10.9k words, and this tease is 2.3k of it for you xxx Thank you for sticking with me and I hope you enjoyyyyy x

~*~*~*~

I need to speak to you 

You text the singer as you’re walking home from Katie’s. You thought about just leaving it but you know if you keep what you're feeling bottled in it will just make you go back into your shell when you’re around him, and that’s the last thing either of you want. 

Thankfully those thoughts don’t have enough time to fester because about 2 minutes later Alex texts you back. 

Christ

Am I in trouble? x

His response makes you roll your eyes as you can practically hear him asking you. You know for a fact he will have snorted when he got the message through and when he typed that one back to you. So you keep him in limbo for a bit. 

You’re not funny 

Phone me when you’re free. 

Thankfully you’re not waiting for ages for the call. Your phone starts ringing as you turn the corner and head down your road. It’s a little embarrassing how excited you are to get back in your house for a bit and just relax until the party later. 

After greeting him, Alex gets straight to the point, “What’s up Y/N?”

“About this holiday,” You start, “Katie told me she wants me to come and I want to know how you feel about that before I start to spiral.”

You can already sense the panic in your chest as you feel like you’re at a bit of a stalemate. You don’t want to let Katie down but you’re also definitely not going to go if Alex wants a break from you. You don’t want to intrude on his holiday. Especially one that’s for his birthday. 

“Don’t spiral.” Alex begs, and you swear he’s also outside as you can almost hear the way he takes a drag of a cigarette before he says, “The last thing we need is you spiralling and questioning everything again.”

You can picture the smile tugging at his lips as he says that. So much so that him finding your panic amusing means that you silently want to scorn him. 

“I’m well aware of that.” You say a little bit too bluntly, so you attempt to soften the blow when you follow up with a rhetorical, “Why do you think I asked you to call me?”

Alex definitely mutes a laugh, covering it by him pretending to clear his throat. To make sure he doesn’t get himself into trouble he distracts you by asking, “What’s panicking you now?”

“The holiday.” You take a deep breath before you start to vent your worries, “Apparently it’s for your birthday, I don’t know if you want me there with what’s going on with us. The fact that you’re apparently paying... I don’t want you paying for me if I come.”

“I did tell Katie to invite you if she wanted to.” Alex reveals. 

“That’s not the point. Do you want me there?” You ask him directly, “I don’t want to intrude on a holiday that’s for your birthday.”

Alex takes a second to answer that, not because it’s a difficult answer but mostly because he wants to know, “If we weren’t sleeping together would you come?”

You think about it for a second and realise that you probably would, but not without speaking to him and asking Katie at least 30 times if you were actually welcome. Not to mention trying not to interact with him much when you were out there. And you certainly would not be allowing him to pay for you. 

“I still would have double checked with you first, or got Katie to. But that doesn’t matter, it’s different now,” You start talking about your reality again, “The dynamic has changed.”

“Y/N, we were friends anyway,” Alex sighs and you’re glad he can’t see the way your face contorted in disagreement. “The only thing that’s different this time is that we’ve seen each other naked.” 

You almost scoff. 

You’ve done a lot more than see me naked, sir. 

Feeling flustered at the memories of him fucking you flooding back to your mind, you just get back to the point, “So, do you want me there or not?”

And you listen to his response as you unlock your front door and get into your house. Feeling the absence of the chill from outside makes the singers answer all the more bearable. 

“I just want you to do whatever you want to. You can come and have a holiday. I don’t expect anything from you if that’s what you’re worried about.” Alex says sincerely, before adding, “And I am paying.”

“I don’t want you to pay Alex,” You whine like a child not getting their own way. But you add honestly, “It makes me uncomfortable.”

And it’s not even just because you’re fucking him, although that is your main concern. It’s the fact that you’ve barely known him properly before now (and you still wouldn’t say you were all that close in any way but physically), you can’t in your right mind let him spend thousands on a skiing holiday for you.  

“Y/N, I didn’t invite you to make you feel uncomfortable.” The singer sighs, feeling like you should know this already. 

He’s not ever excluded you from something before and he’s certainly not about to start doing so now. And he’s not letting you pay for yourself when everyone else who is coming is paid for already. Christ, he doesn’t really know why this is even a conversation when everything has already been sorted and paid for in advance. 

You feel like you’re whining when you again admit, “I know that’s not the intention but I still feel it Alex.”  

“Well It’s up to you.” Alex shrugs, hoping to convey how much he’s unbothered by the fact he’s paying for a holiday, but he doesn’t want to pressure you. “You’re very welcome to come and I’m paying for everyone, not just you.”

“But-“ You start but then stop yourself. 

Alex immediately questions, “But what?”

He would rather know what’s going on in your head rather than be left guessing. He needs to know how best to reassure you otherwise you both will just regress. And he doesn’t think that wanting for your honesty is too much to ask.

You can’t bring yourself to say it. So you just leave him with silence. 

But that silence speaks volumes. 

“You worried that if I pay for you to come I’m expecting you to shag me?” A few beats of silence pass and as you don’t dismiss him entirely, he already knows it to be true. His question is entirely rhetorical, “That’s it, isn’t it?”

You can’t even confirm it for him. It’s embarrassing to admit, but that is a worry of yours. 

“Y/N.” Alex sighs, knowing he’s right because of your silence. “I don’t expect anything from you, you know that right? You can come away with us and we don’t have to do anything.”

“It’s not compulsory, even when we’re home. Y/N/N, you’re Katie’s best friend, you’ve been around for 10 years.” He backs up his point some more, “You came on the last holiday we went on, this is going to be no different to that. My birthday just happens to fall on a day whilst we’re there.” 

“You didn’t pay for me last time Al.” You argue in a slight huff, already feeling like you’re fighting a losing battle. 

“Hey, listen to me.” Alex persists, “I’m paying for everyone to come, not just you, and I’m not expecting a huge orgy all week.” 

You can help the laugh that escapes your lips at that. It’s a full giggle that the singer can’t help but grin at as he takes another drag of his cigarette. 

“There’s that laugh.” He hums, enjoying the sound even more purely because it’s him that’s caused it. 

Only after your laughter subsided, do you ask, a lot calmer now, “Are you sure you want me there?” 

“Yes, sweet.” Alex assures you. And just to convince you some more, he adds, “I need someone to entertain Mrs Cook when I pull Jamie away for a pint anyway. Think you fit the brief.” 

“Ah yeah, I think I could do that for you.” You chuckle a little, but then you’re serious in a soft tone, “I still feel bad that you’re paying though Alex. Skiing holidays are a lot of money.”

“I have a lot of money that I’ll never need.” The singer tells you, and you try not to think about the way anxiety in your chest dissipates when he says, “I’d rather treat my friends to a week away.”

You're his friend. Something so simple shouldn’t make your heart swell. Especially when the other night he tongue fucked you until you came, twice. 

“Well I’m buying you food and drinks whilst we’re away then.” You counter, finally readying yourself to admit defeat. 

“We’re going all inclusive but thanks.” You can almost hear Alex’s smirk. 

You sigh, dropping down onto your settee and leaning back to try and get comfy, “Well I’m assuming we won’t be staying in the hotel for your birthday. They’ll be pubs and cafes I’m sure.” 

He counters, “I’ll take a drink at the airport before we go.” 

“Okay deal.” You accept but know you’ll find ways to do more than just that, “Thank you Alex. You really don’t have to do this.”

“Well I want to.” Alex smiles, and his tone is full of amusement as he says, “And I can’t have you spiralling.”

You hum in a silent laugh at that and let your eyes close as you take a deep breath. You’re about to tell him that it’s just how you are but you’re okay now you’ve spoken about it. But he takes your attention again. 

“You know that this goes both ways right, Y/N/N?” You’re about to ask him what he’s on about until he continues, “If I text you asking to come over, you can say no and I’m not going to be offended by it. I understand that it’s not going to happen every time.” 

He’s talking about fucking you. And trying to make you feel more at ease about your situationship. 

Alex finishes off by saying, “I just ask on the off chance that you’re up for it.”

“I am always up for it.” Are the words that slip from your lips, and when you realise what you’ve said, your eyes shoot open. 

Oh my god woman, you sound so needy. Backtrack now. Now!

You sit up as you begin to pathetically backtrack, “Well. I mean, I- when you say you are, I, I- usually am too.”

“Good to know you’re always up for me, sweet,” You can hear Alex's smirk then, but thankfully he doesn’t tease you more for it he just carries on to say, “It seems like I’m texting you all the time asking to come over but you can text me. You’re allowed to get horny too.” 

You try and fail not to flush at hearing him say that. Especially when you can feel the ghost of his touch as you’re sitting on the settee he had you ride him on a week ago. 

“Alex, you’re over twice a week, if not more... It’s not like I’m without relief for long.” To drive the point home you say, “It’s not a ten month wait again.”

In your little meetings you’d discussed when you’d both last been with someone else. Yours was a guy you were seeing at the beginning of the year who turned out to just not do it for you after you dated him for a few months. 

Alex’s last fling was another rebound of his after the French girl he cheated on Taylor with. Turns out Alex hadn’t been with anyone in the last 5 months which did surprise you a little. But who are you to presume he’d just become a slag after his break up? 

“Still. We started this for a reason.” Alex drives the point home, wanting you to fully understand, “You can say no and you can call me whenever you want too.” 

You nod even though he can’t see you, “I know.”

“Maybe this holiday can just be the friends you’re so persistent we’re not.” 

You frown, confused, “What?”

“Your rule, ‘no sex while we’re away’.” Alex smirks, but he’s sincere when he says, “To make you feel more comfortable. 

“I don’t wanna seem like a prude Alex I just don’t…” You fail to continue your sentence, Wanna seem like a prostitute. 

“I think of all people, I’m not the one who’s going to think of you as a prude, sweet.” The singer can't help but tease, finding himself funny. 

You take a deep breath, trying not to let your amusement or embarrassment show, “So where are we going?”

“The Alps.” The singer tells you almost smugly, “Where else?”

You decide that you may as well ask him for the details if he’s sorting everything out, “When do we go?”

“Early morning of the second, we need to be at the airport for like four.” He tells you after a moment of thought. 

You hum, finally letting the excitement for a holiday bubble in your stomach, “Okay.”

Alex is smiling already hearing you finally sound at ease about the holiday, but he can’t help but push his luck a little more, “You free tonight, sweet?”

“No and neither are you,” You almost laugh, the amusement clear in your voice, “We’ve got Katie’s New Year’s party.”

Alex is grinning as he comes back with, “I mean at like three in the morning.”

“You’re a horny fuck.” You can’t help but tell him as you shake your head. 

You’re entirely unable to stop your face from flushing, making you very grateful he can’t see you. All you hope is he’s picturing you with a completely unbothered yet 

“You’re the one that just said you’re always up for me.” Alex counters and you have to bite your tongue. 

Idiot Y/N. 

“See you later Alex.” You immediately dismiss him, not wanting his teasing right now. 

Alex laughs loudly, “See you later sweet.”

~*~*~*~*~*~

A/N: Are they gonna make it to the end of the holiday???? Who knowwwwssssss... Also I need your helpppppp, what stuff at a bar could Alex or Sweet do that would make the other jealous? Even if its just something subtle??? Let me knowwww x (Can't promise all suggestions will go in because I need to get this out to you but any ideas are welcome, please let me knowwww xoxoxoxo)

[mysticalrambling]

Hi!!!!!!! I have a request for you😋

Its something to do with the recent Chris and Lizzo interaction(no hate to her). Can you write something about their recent interaction, like chris and lizzo talking about the baby joke and the internet goes nuts. But what chris doesn't know is that his girlfriend feels hurt, that he is disregarding her feelings, like its kind of humiliating to the reader, that chris her boyfriend is talking about baby with other person when he has his own girlfriend and she is hurt by him. She confronts Chris but he just gets mad and calls her jealous and insecure, which hurts her further and she just gets mad and leaves his house. Later when Chris mom sees the news she scolds him about joking of having a baby with someone else and hurting his partner then he understands how his girlfriend must have felt and they recincile. I hope you're getting what i m saying sorry if it sounds confusing, but can you write it? 🤗

Facing Realities (C.E)

A/N: Thank you so much lovely and I loved the plot line. I loved writing about it and I made a few additions to the story. Hope you like it and I am open to more requests.

Chris Evans Fanfiction (Fanfiction Master List)

Summary: You feel unimportant when Chris can easily discuss about having a child with Lizzo in public but will always dismiss you when you bring up the topic. Getting in to a fight, you leave him and he eventually realises his mistake because of his mom.

Warnings: Angst but eventual fluff.

._._._._.

“The fans want to know about the Instagram dms between the two of you.” The reported quizzed Lizzo and Chris as they both sat in front of him on the couch.

“Well, our baby is going to be the best.” Lizzo spoke with amusement clear in her eyes.

“The world is going to have a little Captain America at their hands soon, right Lizzo?” Chris chuckled.

“Right. And how is your new movie coming along?” The interviewer started asking different questions and soon it was all over.

“Will see you soon Cap. Say hi to (Y/N) for me.” With a quick hug, she left the studio with her usual power walk. Chris just shook his head slightly when he heard all the fans asking her about the baby. They were all truly something and Lizzo just went through them without giving a response.

You didn’t have anything against Lizzo because you knew that everything between her and Chris was platonic. The fact that Chris was so open to discuss about having a baby was what bothered you. He always dismiss you when you wanted to talk about your future and extending your family. It felt like you were the only one in this world that Chris did not want to talk to regarding this topic. This made you feel worthless and pathetic.

You knew that jealousy wasn’t the right word to describe your emotions right now but that’s what it felt like. Confronting people was never your thing and you always did what they asked instead of arguing. It was much easier but you knew that you couldn’t get away with this. This was in regards to your future and so when Chris was going to come home from his interview, you were going to talk to him about it.

“Honey, I am home.” Losing his jacket on the love seat, he made his way towards the kitchen because it was dinner time and he could smell the delicious food from the hallway.

“Hi babe. I am making your favorite. Just go and freshen up.” You stated not turning back because you knew you would break the instant your eyes landed on your boyfriend.

He came to the dining table in his sweats and dived into the food immediately because he was starving. “So…” You tried starting up a conversation but backed down when you saw his questioning gaze trained on you. “Um how was the interview?”

“It was nice. Lizzo and I talked about the baby. God, I just love that woman.” The self doubt in your mind was growing by the minute because he was casually talking about a baby with another woman. He didn’t realise that he was hurting your feelings and he just kept on talking about how amazing it would be to actually have a baby with Lizzo.

“So have you ever thought about extending our family?” You finally mustered up some courage to ask him the question.

“No, I haven’t. We can talk about it another time. So what did you today?” The dismissal in his tone was enough to break your heart into tiny pieces.

“But we have too, Chris. We have been in a relationship for the past three years.”

“I do not want to discuss it today so just drop it (Y/N).” The stern look would have made you back down in a normal situation but not today.

Dropping your fork on the plate, you spoke with irritation, “You never want to have this discussion with me but you would gladly do it with Lizzo.”

“I knew it had something to do with her. Why are you so jealous?”

“I am not jealous. It’s just that you are willing to discuss about your baby with everyone except me.”

“There is nothing going on between Lizzo and I, if that’s what you mean.”

“I know that. I just want to know if you have ever thought about having kids with me or am I just a fling to you?” You we’re absolutely done with him at this point and you dreaded his answer.

“(Y/N), I have told you a million times that you are not a fling. What are you on about?”

“It just seems that I am no longer the person that you want to discuss things with. It’s just not about the whole kid thing but you didn’t even tell me that you are starting in a new movie. I had to find it from the fucking paparazzi.”

“I was going to tell you and I am just not ready for a family yet.”

“Well instead of ignoring me every chance you got, you could have told me about it.” The frustration in your eyes was clear but Chris chose to ignore it. It was as if he was totally immune to all of your emotions.

Whenever the topic of children came up, Chris didn’t tinker why he acted like a jerk. He had always thought about expanding his family but when you came in to the picture, he was so terrified of losing you that he couldn’t even think what a baby would do to your relationship.

“I am not good with all this and you need to be patient with me.”

“All I have ever been is patient for you. Not anymore.”

“What do you mean?” Sudden realization dawned upon him and he was left speechless.

“I need a break from you. Call me when you figure everything out.”

“(Y/N), you are doing this because of Lizzo. Stop acting like an insecure and jealous bit-” Stopping mid sentence, he looked at you in horror.

Tears sprang in your already damp eyes, “Why are you stopping now? Finish the sentence, Chris.”

“(Y/N), I-”

“Good bye, Chris.” Walking out of your once shared home was the most difficult thing that you had to do in this life but there was no other choice. You both were at an impasse and you needed time to sort it all out. Hailing a taxi, you went to your friend, Scarlett’s house. She was a mutual frond of you both but she had become your best friend in the past three years.

Meanwhile, Chris downed a whole bottle of scotch and sat in your shared bedroom with your picture in his hand. He didn’t want to lose you to a stupid argument but he failed to see that he was at fault. Sleeping without you proved as a heinous task and he gave up after two hours. He just sat in the bed alone and hoped to God that you will come back to him. A life without you wasn’t a life at all. However, Chris would not be the one to apologise because in his opinion, he didn’t do anything wrong.

The passing few days, you absolutely refused to get out of the house and stayed holed up in Scarlett’s guest bedroom. “(Y/N), you need to eat something.” Your friend barged in with a tray full of food and you instantly felt nauseous.

“Not in the mood, Scar.” Your eyes had been red and puffy for the last week but you didn’t care. Chris was the only one that you cared about. However, you could not be in a relationship that had no future. You deserved better than that.

“You need to eat and get out of this mood. It’s making me depressed.”

“I don’t care. Leave me alone.” Snapping at her was never your intention and you instantly regretted it. “I am sorry. I am just not in the right frame of mind.”

“It’s okay. You want to watch something.”

“Yeah, F.R.I.E.N.D.S.”

Chris was no better than you or maybe even worse. He hadn’t changed out of his sweats for the past two days and had a slight scruff covering his face. Empty bottles of alcohol laid around the whole house and rotten food was placed on the kitchen counter. The whole house was a mess and he didn’t care about anything. Except you. Everything in this house reminded him of you and he hated it. From the bedroom walls to the well groomed garden.

The phone rang for the millionth time and he picked it up from the nightstand. It was his mom. Sighing, he finally picked it up. “Christopher Robert Evans, where the hell have you been?”

“I was at home, mom.” The loose thread on your pillowcase suddenly seemed more interesting than the phone conversation.

“With (Y/N)?”

“She left me, mom.” Chris didn’t want to talk about it but he figured that his mom wouldn’t leave him alone otherwise.

“Serves you right. You left her no other choice.”

“How can you say that? I haven’t done anything.”

“I saw the interview, Chris. Have you ever talked with (Y/N) about extending your family?”

“No but I was just joking with Lizzo.”

“It doesn’t matter. She would have felt unimportant because this is a very private matter and she was not a part of it.”

“But-”

“Imagine if the roles were reversed.” Realisation dawned upon him and he quickly said goodbye to his mother because he had a girlfriend to win back. Every second spent without you was agonizing and he never wants to experience it.

“(Y/N), Chris is here to see you.” Peeking her head through the door, Scarlett informed you about your boyfriend. You quickly untangled yourself from the sheets and ran to the washroom. You wanted to look presentable but Chris could see the dark circles under your eyes and your thin figure. There was a sudden pang in his heart because he knew this was all his doing.

“I am sorry, baby. I shouldn’t have said anything. I am a fool. Please forgive me.” He started ranting as soon as Scar left the room.

“Chris, have you thought about what I said?” Your calm aura was scaring his wits so he quickly answered with a yes. “Please elaborate.”

“I have realised that I was at fault and I am going to be more open about the future of our relationship from now on.” The sincere look in his eyes was hard to miss.

“Promise?” Gone was the calm and collected exterior, and stood before him was a vulnerable young woman.

“I promise, baby. Now, will you come back home? I have missed you.”

“Yes and I missed you too.” Kissing him on the lips, you sighed because this was your heaven and you wouldn’t want to leave it for the world.

Hope you guys enjoyed it!!

._._._._.

A/N: I love Chris Evansand I was happy to write a fanfiction about him. If you guys have any more request, I will be happy to write about them and message me if you want to be added to the tag list.

Taglist: @justile 

Like, comment and reblog.

._._._._.

[solaroptile]

Hi there, I haven’t done this in a while, but could I request an encanto matchup? I’m an adult, bisexual , and go by she/ her they/ them pronouns.(romantic)

when I say I struggle interacting with others, I mean I struggle- I have social anxiety, and I often get close to a few people and sort of close to others. I can’t interact well with people when I’m not in college- my phone is often off because I forget to reply.

i get anxious really easily, but I have a lot of energy too. I love my friends a lot, and I’m kinda said to be puppy-like, I bounce around, I love cuddles and snuggles and I talk a lot about random things. Sometimes I just run. It makes me feel sometimes that I’m annoting or don’t let others get a word in edge ways. I try to make it obvious that my friends can come to me when they need support and I support them unconditionally. But I still feel guilty..

I struggle with Ptsd, and often have moments when I start to spiral a bit and need to be calmed down- haha daddy issues. I have short, curly brown hair, and am VERY pale, and burn easily, but I also have a lot of freckles and am severely near sighted. I’m also kinda short - 5’4. It may not seem that short, but I’m the shortest in my entire family So I get teased a lot for being that small lol.

I have a lot of hip pains and issues at the moment- makes it difficult to walk sometimes, but I’m trying to figure it out.

i’ts funny, my body is just completely wrong lmao! I have a ton of allergies- like Cheap metals, wool, certain paints.. :( I was born with hips that were disjointed, my eyes are bad, and I’m convinced I might have my hearing going because I can be really loud without realising it and I get really upset and embarrassed..

I love to draw and create characters, stories and narratives! I made a light box the other day and it’s so pretty! I really want to be an illustrator in the future To make children’s narratives really diverse so that every child can see themselves in it! That’s one of my hobbies, but I also taught myself to crochet amigurumi- so I made a lot of pumpkins recently to sell for charity. I also enjoy painting and getting messy- even Before I start painting, I get paint on myself somehow? In my art classes, I’m one of the few people that deliberately get really messy sometimes. I’m ridiculously clumsy though, so the amount of times I’ve dropped the brush or cut myself Is... insane in itself. I burnt myself twice yesterday on a hot glue gun lmao.

I currently study Media Studies, Literature, and Art, in college So that’s fun.

Thank you!

^_^

this one's a long one so you gotta bear with me

i match you with... bruno madrigal!

bruno's also a very awkward and anxious person, so it might be a rocky relationship for you both at first, but i think over time you two will eventually find yourselves growing more and more at ease with each other

while he's not exactly the most receptive to sudden cuddles or touches, all he needs is a bit of time to warm up to and even look forward to it

he's also a very good listener so he doesn't mind letting you ramble about things, especially something you seem to have a keen interest in

he doesn't exactly know how to quell your anxiety over being too talkative or noisy so instead he just tries his best to reassure you by telling you he really doesn't mind how much you talk because he likes seeing you so engaged and excited in what you're discussing

sometimes when you do get too loud for him he'll just tap on your wrist or arm as a non-verbal sign to maybe quiet down a little; he doesn't want to embarrass you but he gets easily overwhelmed if he's in an area that's overly noisy

when you feel as if you're being annoying or having one of your episodes he'll shield you from the rest of the world as best he can and immediately hold you in his arms, if you feel comfortable enough to engage in physical contact. if not expect him to be there prepared to do anything possible to calm you down and show you he cares

bruno is incredibly empathetic when it comes to your physical health and allergies. he'll go to any length to make sure you're comfortable enough wherever you two may be, and is willing to make any accommodations necessary

very quick thing but i could see bruno being 5'4, maybe 5'5 so in order to prove he's taller he'll try to rest his arm on the top of your head and just ends up falling over

he loves watching you work on your illustrations. there's something oddly calming about it and if you ask him for any sort of critique or opinion he'll try to be as honest as possible

there's almost never a need to sugarcoat anything though because most of the time he can never see even a single stroke of paint or an awkward line of a sketch out of place

not to mention how admirable he finds your ambitions of wanting to be an illustrator. he finds it a bit difficult to stay motivated and work his way towards his own goals so seeing you pursue yours helps tremendously

although, please, do not ask this man to paint. he will tip over every paint bottle or easel in existence just trying to get everything set up

he's about as naturally clumsy as you so expect him to be drenched in sticky paint once you both are done

[mcybank]

✄┈ playbook, chapter one

( jj maybank x female! reader )

summary jj and john b challenge each other to engage in evocative and romantic situations with girls, points being awarded depending on what they do. what happens when jj finds out the reader has something which can make him win the challenge?

word count 1.3k

warnings nothing really. drinking? maybe and a little bit of swearing

author’s note should i write a part two or is this b o r i n g

masterlist taglist

gif by @toesure​​ !

John Booker Routledge and JJ Maybank have done a plethora of things to look down on them for throughout their friendship. But their recent scheme had to top it all. In the name of thrill, a suggestion made by JJ when intoxicated appealed to John B not only when he was intoxicated, but sober.

This is what brought them to the current situation. John B held a blunt pencil in his hand, doodling on the top right of the page as both, himself and JJ pondered about one last conquest to end off the list. “Something big,” JJ spoke, his eyes set on the wall as he thought of possible ideas. 

Two weeks in, both teenagers were nearly level on points, John B around five points above. JJ’s perpetual nature of finding something enjoyable completely tedious had hit him at a Boneyard Kegger. He glanced at the boy he was up against;  John B’s hands were wrapped around a random brunette’s waist with his lips connected to her own. Great, he thought to himself.

Of course, the entire point of this challenge was hooking up at the end of the day. But doing so consistently had grown on the blond who was seeking contrasting methods to engage himself whilst gaining points along the way. 

And for a guy like JJ, it wasn’t difficult for him to find something to be engaged in— or someone. 

Walking to the scene of the party with one of your closest friends, Sarah Cameron, you felt a few eyes on yourself and her. You wore a white bikini top paired with loose black shorts along with small accessories paired to the outfit. You weren’t a huge fan of partying at the Boneyard mainly because you got a minimum amount of thrill out of doing so, but tonight, Sarah had managed to convince you to give it a chance and you hesitantly agreed to doing so. 

JJ Maybank’s eyes were set on you as soon as he noticed you sitting at the edge of a sun-bed staring at your phone, disentangled from the party with a glass of beer in your other hand.

“I’m JJ,” he introduced, startling you by the sudden presence as he took a seat beside you, a little too close for your liking. You uncomfortably stood up from the sun-bed, a chuckle leaving your lips at his attempt to string you into a conversation. “I know who you are,”

How would you not? Everybody knows the JJ Maybank; ultimate womaniser and it’s clear to see why. Before you could walk away from his reach, you felt a grip on your wrist that was holding your phone. It wasn’t a harsh move, in fact he held your wrist with as much tenderness, not wanting to venture out of his boundaries with you. “Come on, I don’t bite,” JJ knew that if he didn’t manage to get something out of you, he wouldn’t be able to add any points to his tally for this night considering how monotonous he found hooking up and simply just hooking up after two weeks of doing so. 

You reluctantly sat down on the vacant spot beside him, shifting slightly to the side to avoid any unnecessary contact. “You’re making me feel bad here, y’know? I’m not that scary,” you rolled your eyes at his words although they did help you warm up to interacting with him. Both of you remained in silence, JJ unsure of how he should approach you. “I’m y/n,” your introduction took a lot more time than he anticipated, but it managed to cut the awkward silence. 

“I know who you are,” he responded, a smug smirk taking over his lips. 

You couldn’t help but scoff at his words. “Do you really?” It wasn’t that you didn’t expect him to know you, that was a given. But his attempt to copy what you previously said to him failed as you didn’t mean that you knew just his name.

“Y/N L/N, Kook” he tried to string his words together, add on more about what he knows about you other than your name and your status. He shrugged when he noticed you slightly laughing at him, “So what do you know about me, huh?”

“Well, you’re JJ Maybank. Well-renowned Pogue. Womaniser. Player. Heartbreaker—” you were cut off by JJ sarcastically gasping and putting his hands on his chest. “Well, it’s rude to make accusations as hurtful as that. I am far from any of those things,” you stared at him, trying your best not to burst out laughing but the way he painted a hurt expression across his face, you couldn’t. “Oh, don’t be melodramatic,” you spoke in between of laughs, causing JJ to let out a small chuckle as he shook his head at your reaction. 

What happened in the next few minutes was something you never expected. You didn’t expect to be coiled into an enjoyable conversation at this party. And you could never expect to be coiled into a conversation, at best, with JJ Maybank that you mildly enjoyed ever. 

JJ was in the middle of narrating a humorous incident of himself and his friends when you heard your phone vibrate, indicating a text. “Boyfriend?” JJ nudged your shoulder playfully after noticing how quick you were to pick up your phone. “No, mother,” you corrected, showing him the message that was filled with absolute rage telling you to come back home.

“Alright, then. Let me have your number and something else before you go,” JJ was hoping that you say yes, not because he wanted to speak to you more but because he wanted points. At the end, this was all just about scoring a few points off some girls and you were the chosen victim. He handed you his phone, one that he rarely used and you dialled your number before saving it.

You felt a rush of heat going through your cheeks. As much as you hated it, you hoped that JJ texted you later tonight. “What else do you want?” you questioned as you texted Sarah to let her know you were leaving. “Well, this,” as he spoke, he leaned closer to your face, so much so that his lips were hovering over your own. You could feel the warmth of his breath against your face, his large hands tenderly cupping your cheeks before he connected his lips to yours.

It began as a compassionate kiss but slowly turned into one that was lustful; his tongue  eagerly exploring your mouth displaying the hungriness going through his body whilst you succumbed into the feeling of intimidation with him. 

“I’m taking you out soon,” JJ informed you as you stood up from beside him, getting ready to go back home. 

JJ didn’t feel guilty. Not until he saw the uncontrollable grin on your face as he saw you enthusiastically type on your phone, perhaps, telling your friends that you had a potential date. But that was soon washed over as soon as he realised he had late-night plans that would definitely be of help for the Playbook.

When he was sure that you had left the area, he pulled out his phone and clicked on John B’s name that was drowned in the numerous names of girls from his messages.

jj: +5 points for getting someone’s number. +15 for making out.

30 points in total. That’s what you were to him. Although he would have loved to go further in order to higher his tally, he knew that you would provide him an adequate amount of help, eventually. 

All you could do was wait. Wait for him to message you. But he was too immersed in messaging provocative statements to another girl. Another girl who was unbeknownst of the fact that the only reason JJ showed interest in her was in the name of a few points. And the reason he showed interest in you wasn’t any different either. 

taglist @obxmxybxnk @tragicmisfits @poguemacking @baby-iyania @baby-bearie @2ndrain @sarcasticbean05 @psychicforest @wambach1 @conniehellard @xxxxxxxxxxxxxooooooooooooo​ @euph0riafilms @decap-quadrant @calumbroutledge @thelocalpogue @lovingxjj @shawnssongs @jayjaymaebank @dontjinx-it @ilovejjmaybank @thesweetlifeoflaney @tomcansuckmyass @yelyahryan @bxbyyyjocelyn @laheyparadise @fanficscuziranout @maebanks @drew-starkey @thenameishayley248 @shoppingcarthappiness @aliciamarie515 @write-from-the-heart @redstarryskies @may8ank @sexytholland @bxmaaa @dpaccione​ @elisemurphy08 @serrendipiity​ @suemesabby @drewstarkeyobx​ @outrbank @talksoprettyjjx​ @yeslifeofateen​ @johnbenderrs​ @starlightstarkey​ @anonymous0writer​ @suckitsu​ 

[fyeahsharonrooney]

'Finding Alice' star Sharon Rooney on silencing the social media bullies and why her granny was her greatest inspiration (Sunday Post, 17.1.21)

'...Fire up social media on your phone and within moments you’re free to interact with a world full of people. Holiday photos from your cousin in New Zealand? Click like!

Your pal’s video of a Yorkshire terrier that sounds like Brian Blessed? Hit retweet! Don’t like the way someone looks? Tell them to lose some weight!

Hang on, that last one is probably a bit rude. You wouldn’t wander up to a stranger in the street and casually advise them to give the sweeties a miss, not unless you were desperately craving a sore face.

Yet that kindly advice is precisely what someone like Sharon Rooney is offered when she logs into sites such as Instagram.

Sharon, who starred in Disney’s recent live action Dumbo remake, E4’s My Mad Fat Diary and hit sitcom Two Doors Down has endured her fair share of trolling.

“It’s the unsolicited medical advice I enjoy,” she laughed. “Telling me not to eat jellybeans. Thanks!

“I learned quite quickly people will pick apart anything. They will find something. Even if I was five sizes smaller, someone will tell me I looked better before. You’ll never please everyone.

“There’s a lovely mute button now. If someone writes something rude I just quietly say ‘Shhh’ to them.

“With My Mad Fat Diary I’m already saying, ‘Hello, I am fat human’. What can they say?

“I have eyes, I know what I look like and I’m fine with that. Sorry if you’re not. I’m doing OK, so please don’t worry about me.”

(© Carlo Paloni/BAFTA/Shutterstock)

Sharon, 32, is doing more than OK though, which you’ll see if you tune into new ITV drama Finding Alice tonight.

She stars opposite Keeley Hawes and it’s a role that saw Sharon cross the Bodyguard star’s name off a special list.

“I’ll let you into a secret. Every actor has a dream list of people they’d love to work with and Keeley was on mine,” she said.

“I told Keeley. She just rolled her eyes and told me to shut up.

“Why would you not want to work with her? She’s fantastic in everything she does.

“Keeley’s everything I thought she would be. Whe’s one of a kind. A special human being. Look, Keeley’s not paying me to say this! Maybe she should…?”

Praising a colleague is, of course, second nature to an actor. There’s a reason they call them luvvies; plus you don’t want to end up working with someone you’ve bad-mouthed on a project in a year’s time, do you?

This isn’t merely empty platitudes for a thespian pal. Sharon’s praise is warm, generous and genuine. It’s how she herself comes across, along with a dash of wry humour.

Perhaps it’s the influence of her late granny, who Sharon describes as her soulmate.

“This sounds so cheesy but she truly was,” she added. “You know you get one human who you just chime with? I just loved her. We were two old souls.

“She taught me so much. I think grannies have that magic where they teach you to deal with life after they’re gone. I just enjoyed every minute I had with her.”

The pain and sadness we’ve all experienced over the past year, along with the forced holiday she’s had to take with being locked down, has let Sharon think about the grief she felt when her gran died.

“Even if you’re preparing for a death I don’t think it’s any easier than if it’s unexpected,” she said.

“When it is unexpected, like the way Harry dies in Finding Alice, you’re left reeling from it for so long before you can take in what’s happened.

“With Nicola, the character I play, the initial shock has happened. Her big brother has died. So how do you move forward? Grief itself is such a complicated thing. There’s no guide book. When you feel sad, you feel sad.

“Grief sneaks up on you. You think you’re fine then it appears with a ‘Hiya!’

“I still get it. I’ll think I can’t wait to show my gran something before going, ‘Oh yeah’.

“My gran spoke about it before she died. We were talking about how thinking of someone after they’ve died is like ringing a bell for them.

“She said, ‘Don’t think of me too much, hen – I’ll get no rest.’”

(Sharon Rooney as Miss Atlantis with co-star DeObia Oparei in Tim Burton’s Dumbo)

Happily, Sharon brought her sardonic and garrulous Glaswegian spirit to the set of Dumbo, in which Sharon appeared alongside Hollywood legend Danny DeVito.

“You forget they’re still humans, which is easy to do when you’re standing in front of Danny DeVito. All I could think was that this was Danny DeVito. Has anyone told him?

“You just talk on set. Gab, gab, gab. That’s all we did. I was shouting over to Tim to ask for two minutes so Danny could finish his story.

“That’s Tim Burton, by the way. Listen to me, I just call him Tim now.”

Casting for a Disney blockbuster like Dumbo was straightforward, although it did come with an ironclad ban from telling her friends about the project until it was announced.

My Mad Fat Diary focused on the plus-sized character Sharon played but, since then, the roles she’s taken don’t normally specify anything about her character’s weight.

“A lot of parts I go for don’t say the character must be plus-size or look a certain way,” she said.

“I’ve only been doing this for eight years or so but for me it’s never been an issue but I know for some it has been.

“It’s about owning who you are. I realise that’s difficult because of social media. What I try to do is take jobs with people who are authentic characters.

“If it does specify a plus-size actor then my response is to ask why. Let’s investigate this.

“These days – well, before the pandemic – I would go to auditions and the room would be filled with so many different people, which I love. The room isn’t filled with girls who all look the same.

“And I love seeing a role that I didn’t get go to someone completely different to me. Well, I don’t love it because then I’ve not got the role, but it’s still nice to see.”

(The cast of Finding Alice © Joss Barratt)

A closeness with her other granny (the pair are bubbled up) has developed during the lockdowns of the past year, from which Sharon has taken heart.

Other than that she’s been enjoying her break ahead of Finding Alice’s release, as well as browsing social media.

Although these days she’s a lot wiser in how she does it; retaining the enjoyment with the help of that handy mute button.

“I used to follow every celebrity and every celebrity magazine,” added Sharon. “But it just made me doubt myself. I’d go to post a video then I’d wonder if I should put more make-up on first.

“I’ve stopped doing that. On Twitter these days I post videos where I’ve just woken up.

“I mean if you do post a video where you look great and have all your make-up on, then great, but I don’t know how you do it! I look forward to my no-make-up days.

“Oh you should see the state of me. I live in loungewear now. I put on jeans the other day. What are these things? What is this material we wear? These are awful!”

Finally, some feedback with which we can all agree...' X

[cheri-translates]

[CN] Gavin’s Reflection of Beauty Date (Eng Translation)

🍒 Warning: Detailed spoilers for a date yet to be released in EN! 🍒

Phone call between Gavin and Mr Keller before the date: here

Candlelit Night Collection: Kiro // Lucien // Victor

Trivia regarding the name of the date: 

This date is called 惊鸿照影来, which is part of a couplet from “Shenyuan”, a poem by Lu You written in the Song Dynasty

Rough translation of the full couplet: Alas, the green water under the forlorn bridge / Once reflected the charming face of my beloved one!

It was inspired by the poet’s own love story, where he was forced to leave his wife because his mother didn’t like her. Even so, their love never ceased. Ten years later, they met again in Shenyuan Garden (which was also the place he first fell in love with her). Lu You inscribed a poem on a stone wall, conveying his anger and sorrow towards their separation. A few days after seeing the poem, she died from depression :’<

“Shenyuan” was written later on as a memorialisation of his undying love. It conveys how revisiting old places makes one remember past lovers and sentiments

-

[ CHAPTER ONE ]

The date begins with MC and Gavin having a rehearsal for the sequel of the “Three Lifetimes” play

The audience had a deep impression of them in “Three Lifetimes”, so Mr Keller wrote them into the sequel as second leads

In the play, the town looks forward to the marriage between Lady Su (the female lead) and Swordsman Bai (Gavin)

But Lady Su is in love with Swordsman Bai’s friend, a scholar (the male lead)

Meanwhile, Swordsman Bai is in love with the character MC is playing (a high-ranking palace maid and a close friend of Lady Su)

After the rehearsal, Mr Keller gives them suggestions on how to improve, and tells Gavin to gaze at MC and hold her hand during a particular scene:

Gavin: ...all right. 

-

[ CHAPTER TWO ]

Once the rehearsal is over, Gavin is a sweetheart as always, bringing water and a few bananas over to MC with this face:

Gavin: If it isn’t enough, I can get a few more? 

MC: There’s enough, there’s enough. 

Su Xuan, the actress playing Lady Su, tells them to change outfits for the photoshoot:

Su Xuan: I’ll help you put on some make-up first, then marry you off beautifully to your Mr Gavin. Come, close your eyes.

Without giving me a chance to explain or argue, she skilfully helps me with my make-up, as though she’s really helping a sister prepare for her wedding. 

Su Xuan: Mm, that’s more like it. 

She pulls me to my feet. After looking me over carefully, she tilts her head and smiles at something behind me.

Su Xuan: What does the groom think? 

Before I have time to react, Su Xuan pushes me lightly, and I fall into familiar arms.

Gavin: Pretty. 

Gavin, who has walked out of the changing room, is also wearing a matching set of red wedding attire.

The colour, which isn’t typically found on him, suits him unexpectedly well.

His easy-going independence has been toned down, replaced with fiery passion.

Gavin: What are you looking at? 

MC: This outfit really suits you.

MC: ...very handsome!

Gavin: [coughs] ...you look very pretty in red too. 

Gavin’s ears have a tinge of redness. He rubs the back of his neck, his eyes containing insuppressible surprise and warmth as he looks at me. 

Su Xuan: All right, you two “newlyweds” can appreciate each other after the shoot! The photographer this time is quite picky.

As she speaks, she pulls our hands together. 

The both of us stop talking, perhaps due to the dry air around us, or the warmth surfacing in our eyes. 

Gavin holds onto my hand tightly.

-

[ CHAPTER TWO: A flashback ]

Location: Outside Lynn’s Kitchen

By the time Minor and Gavin leave the noodle shop, the sky is mostly dark.

Only traces of the sunset glow faintly from behind the tall buildings. 

Minor: It’s so difficult to get tickets this Chinese New Year... I’m always struggling during this part of the year, and spending the New Year’s alone here is too cheerless. Gavin, what are your plans? Eh... why am I even asking - you’re definitely spending it with Boss.

Gavin is the same as always, letting Minor ramble on at his ear. 

Only when he hears the final sentence does a corner of his heart feel a light tug.

Gavin: Mm. I promised to help Mr Keller with her. 

Gavin smiles faintly without even realising it himself.

Minor: Huh? ...even though I find this method a little off, it’s not bad I guess! Boss has been asking everyone in the office what dishes they usually make for New Year’s. It made me curious... so you two are spending New Year’s together!

Minor’s words cause Gavin to recall the few memories of “spending the New Year’s” he has.

New Year’s should be a festival of celebration. There was a time when he looked forward to it.

It’s just that afterwards, this day gradually became no different from a normal one. 

That is, until the girl reappeared in his life, drawing the link between this day and warmth. 

It made him start looking forward to it again.

Minor: Bro Gavin? What are you thinking about? It’s rare to see this look on your face... I got it!

Minor makes an exaggerated expression, predictably receiving Gavin’s neither hard nor soft punch. 

Gavin: Minor, are there places selling New Year goods near her home? 

Minor: Bro Gavin, you want to... buy New Year goods?!

Gavin: What’s wrong with that?

Minor: Nothing nothing nothing...

Gavin: ...your smile is a little nauseating. 

Minor: I’m just happy! Then again, as compared to preparing in advance, there will be more of an atmosphere if you pick them out together!

Gavin: Makes sense. 

Gavin nods, quickening his pace slightly. 

Minor: Bro Gavin, where are you headed to next?

Several images flash across his mind - a warm light in the living room left on for him, a table with the home-cooked dishes he mentioned liking, and the girl waiting for him on the sofa, hugging a pillow. 

Gavin: Home. 

-

[ CHAPTER THREE ]

The photoshoot turns out to be more difficult than MC expected

Photographer: You must imagine - you two are about to elope, so it has to be dynamic! And yet have a tinge of... hesitation and worry! You’ve got to feel it! Change your pose!

MC and Gavin struggle to understand the photographer’s abstract descriptions

MC suggests they pretend to chat while sitting on the grass

MC: ...the weather is getting cold. Does Sparky need to be sent for maintenance? 

Once the words leave my mouth, I’m filled with a sense of regret. This topic is too forced...

Gavin seems to be stunned for a moment, then the corners of his lips lift gently.

Gavin: Mm, I have plans to do so. We can find a day to go together.  

MC: Ah, okay!

Gavin smiles, lifting his hand to tuck stray tendrils of hair behind my ear. 

His amber eyes, which are filled to the brim with smiles, hold my blinking and grinning expression within them.

Photographer: Very good! That’s the right feeling! Could the both of you try lying down? Girl, close your eyes and lift your head slightly.

MC: ...all right. Like this? 

I follow the photographer’s instructions and lie down at Gavin’s side, closing my eyes. 

In the darkness, a familiar warmth encases me tightly, allowing me to have a peace of mind and lean into his arms. 

We are very close to each other. His unique scent entwines with the reed grass that has been dried by the sun, reminding me of the summer we spent together. A breeze brushes past us. 

It makes one want to draw even nearer. 

Photographer: Very good very good. Can the man include some movements to add on to the idea of newlyweds interacting?

Gavin: ...uhm.

I hear Gavin’s breath halt for a moment, as though he’s deep in thought. 

After a while, he seems to have thought of something, and he laughs softly. 

Gavin: MC, don’t move. 

Right after he finishes speaking, I feel a lock of hair near my ear being lifted gently. 

I don’t dare to move a single inch, nor dare to open my eyes. I leave myself entirely to Gavin. 

The frequency of my heartbeat increases, and a numbness travels from the roots of my hair to my spine. My hair seems to be gently held in his palm.

Gavin: ...let me know if it hurts. I’ve never tried this before. 

Even though he says this, his actions are cautious and tender. 

All I can feel are the slight vibrations from my hair, the lock of hair ascending and descending along with his fingers, and then falling by my ear again. 

I purse my lips tightly, frantically trying to control my rapid breathing. I’m afraid that I might accidentally ruin this ambience. 

The shutter continuously sounds. The photographer seems to be saying something again, but I can no longer hear him clearly. 

Next to me, Gavin’s breathing brushes against my forehead and the tips of my hair. The breath, which carries a certain warmth, feels like a light kiss. 

Even though this is just a photoshoot, I wish time would give us this moment for a little while longer.

The words he said during the Qixi Festival last year surge from the depths of my heart, and once again gather in the centre.

I can’t help but feel that even if our destinies entangle and cross, and fate only allows for fleeting meetings, we will ultimately accompany each other at the very end. 

In my ear, the sound of his heartbeat is akin to him giving me a definite answer. One after the other, regular and resolute. 

Photographer:

Gavin: MC, we can get up now. 

I open my eyes slowly. The past few minutes have felt like a small, beautiful dream. 

In Gavin’s hand are locks of our hair tied together with a red string. 

Noticing my gaze, Gavin clear his throat unnaturally. 

Gavin: ...when the idea of “newlyweds” was brought up, I could only think of this. 

[Trivia: In Chinese culture, one’s hair represents one’s self. During a traditional Chinese wedding, the couple would each cut a lock of their hair and tie them together. This is called 结发 (”joining of hair”). It symbolises the couple becoming one flesh and blood, and how they would be connected forever... T^T]

I nod, not daring to meet his eyes. 

His short sentence channels layers of emotions in my heart, converging into unstoppable ripples. 

In a most straightforward way, his unembellished words leave a long and sweet aftertaste in my heart. 

MC: Let’s go over there so the next group can use this place...

Gavin: Hold on...

Without waiting for Gavin to finish, I’ve already sat up. Only when I feel a light tugging sensation do I realise that my hair is still tied to Gavin’s. 

MC: Ah-

Gavin: ...does it hurt? Don’t worry, I’ll untie the knot.

Gavin’s voice, which carries within it concern, is very close to the top of my head. In the next second, the strands of hair that are pulled are immersed in a tender warmth. 

Gavin: ...I might have tied it a little too tightly.

MC: Let me try...

Gavin agrees with a sound, cooperating by bending down slightly to make it easier to untie the red string. 

I try pulling at the end of the string, but the knot refuses to budge.

Gavin: ... 

MC: It does seem a little tight... could it be a dead knot? 

Gavin seems to have leaned in a little closer. Perhaps it’s just my misperception, but he seems even closer than he was during the photoshoot. 

His temperature and breath make my face feel increasingly flushed. I focus on the knot in my hand, hoping he wouldn’t notice my flustered state.

MC: N-next time, don't tie it so tightly! Or else I’ll leave it to you to untie. 

I pretend to be angry, wanting to break the atmosphere that makes my heart go into a frenzy. 

Gavin: All right, I got it. 

When I hear his voice in my ear, I know fully well that my attempts are futile.

When the red string is finally released and falls to the ground, I release a huge sigh, yet feel an inexplicable emptiness in my heart. 

It’s as though my fate with Gavin has become untied. 

They get called back to the rehearsal

MC: We should go over then.

Gavin: ...hold on. 

Gavin pauses, then takes the red string from my hand.

In a slightly clumsy manner, he uses the string to tie a knot at the end of my plait.

Gavin: This is also considered joining of the hair.

Gavin looks at me, his eyes clear, as though he has seen through all my emotions. 

Gavin: Let’s go.

While he speaks, he takes my hand and we leave. 

I hold onto Gavin firmly, the red string on my hair swaying gently along with our footsteps.

We will never miss each other again. 

-

[ CHAPTER FOUR ]

At 8pm, the play finally begins

On stage, MC is supposed to read a letter to Gavin

But when she opens it up, she realises there’s nothing on the letter even though her script is supposed to be on it

Gavin notices that something is amiss, so he steps in to calm her down while pretending everything is normal

MC starts reciting her lines based on memory, but starts panicking in fear of ruining the play

Gavin then takes the letter from her and pretends to read from it, reciting her lines perfectly

The First Act of the play comes to an end, and there’s an intermission

MC decides to thank Gavin properly after the play is over, but Su Xuan suddenly looks for her:

Su Xuan: MC, are you free now? Pass the silk ball to Gavin! I don’t know why, but the prop hasn’t been brought over yet.

MC: Okay! I’ll go now!

Thinking of the little time left, I grab the silk ball and run towards the other end without much thought. 

In the next scene, Gavin and I are supposed to enter the stage from different sides, which is why I have to cross through the entire backstage to reach him.

The silk ball is an indispensable prop in the next scene. Also... I have a “thank you” to say to him in person.

With this in mind, I quicken my pace, and find a familiar figure afar off in the busy backstage.

MC: Gavin! I’m over here!

I stand on my tiptoes and wave at him, thinking of ways to reach him even faster. 

Hearing this, Gavin raises his head. After seeing me, he immediately weaves through the crowd and walks towards me. 

People are moving to and fro. Our eyes only have each other, and we go against the flow of people, walking towards our only focus. 

Staff: Prepare for the second half!

When I’m only a few steps away from him, the countdown for the second half of the play resounds. 

MC: Gavin, this is for you!

In my desperation, I lift my hand. The silk ball flies in a slightly shaky arc, landing steadily in Gavin’s arms. 

[Trivia: In Chinese culture, the silk ball (绣球 - ”xiu qiu”) is used to symbolize love. Giving it to someone reflects the giving of one’s heart. If a woman is in search of a fated life partner, she will toss the ball high into the air in a crowd. The person who catches the silk ball would become the person’s husband]

MC: Gavin, about earlier...

Staff: MC? What are you doing here? Go back, we’re about to start soon. The snatching scene is next, and it’s very important. 

MC: Please wait! I haven’t finished what I wanted to say...

The staff doesn’t give me a chance to continue, and pulls me to the other end. 

I turn my head towards Gavin, and I have no choice but to swallow the words of gratitude I couldn’t say to him in time. 

Gavin: [unintentionally sexy whisper] Wait for me.

Gavin stands in place and looks at me, mouthing those words to me. 

The bell from the venue rings, and the noise from the audience gradually dissipates.

Staff: The Second Act! Begins!

-

[ CHAPTER FOUR: A flashback ]

Location: Gavin’s home

MC: “It’s good, and I doubt the lady would refuse, but...”

Gavin: Are you still looking at your lines?

MC: ...Gavin? Why are you here!

[Note: I have no idea why MC asks this since the backdrop is of his own house LOL]

Gavin walks over with a blanket in his hand. 

MC: The rehearsal is the day after tomorrow, so I’m trying to make use of my time to familiarise myself with the script, especially the scene where I’m reading the letter. Even though I should be able to read straight from the letter on the actual day, I think it’s better to memorise it just in case... Gavin, why don’t you accompany me in going through the lines!

Gavin nods and sits beside me. After covering me with the blanket, he takes the script from my hands. 

Gavin: From here? 

MC: Okay!

Gavin and I go through the dialogue. Places I usually get stuck at become miraculously smooth.

Without realising it, we’ve gone through the entire script.

I flip through the script, marking out places requiring additional attention. 

MC: I feel like Mr Keller has taken reference from the personalities of the actors when writing the lines. I keep thinking that the lines sound like what you would say.

While speaking, I let out a yawn.

Gavin: If you’re tired, rest. We can continue tomorrow. 

As the year draws to a close, there are more things than usual to settle at work. And when I come home, I’d have to familiarise myself with the script. It’s natural that I’d feel fatigued. 

MC: You don’t have anything on tomorrow? 

Gavin: I don’t have work tomorrow, so we can practice our lines.

MC: That’s great!

A warmth gushes out of my heart. I shift closer to Gavin, sharing half the blanket with him. We look at the script together. 

MC: This is so much warmer!

Gavin: ...do you still want to look at it? 

MC: Mm, let’s look through the letter scene again. “If you lack medical knowledge... attach some... scattered silver... I hope to do my best...”

The words in front of me gradually become blurry and distorted. After a certain line, I lean on Gavin’s shoulder in a dazed state, giving up on my fight against sleep.

Gavin: MC? Are you asleep? 

The girl, who loftily said they would look at the script together just a few minutes ago, is now leaning softly against his shoulder, sleeping peacefully. 

Gavin doesn’t wake her up, and simply covers her with a jacket. He flips to the first page of the script, quietly reading the girl’s lines, and memorising them. 

The city is asleep, but the room filled with the breath of two people is still illuminated with a tender light. 

The all-knowing stars in the night sky are silent, and will guard the small world belonging to these two people.

-

[ CHAPTER FIVE ] The curtains are drawn slowly. I once again step onto the stage, following the script. 

In this scene, Gavin will snatch the silk ball, and I will hand it to the male lead so he can bring his beloved home.

For the scene to be more realistic, the actors are allowed to walk around spontaneously. 

As such, I have to run past various settings, weave through the crowd, and finally reach the stipulated spot. 

MC: Swordsman Bai? 

Panting slightly, I stand underneath the embroidery building, looking for Gavin. 

[Trivia: In ancient times, women who were more socially well-to-do would do embroidery in embroidery buildings.]

The sense of deja vu blurs my perception of the boundaries between the play and reality. 

A strong wind arrives as promised. Following the glint of a sword, a path forms in the crowd, interrupting my thoughts.

Gavin is dressed in red. One hand holds onto the silk ball, and the other sheathes his sword. He walks straight towards me. 

Gavin: Trivial matters held me back, and I seek forgiveness from the lady. 

The corners of his lips are curled into an open smile. His eyes are wilful and tender. 

The setting of the blue sky, the red silk in the surroundings, and the startled magpie birds surround Gavin, who is donned in wedding attire. It makes one unable to look away. 

At this moment, he finally stands before me again. 

The crowd and the noise of the world - they no longer have anything to do with me. 

Gavin places the silk ball into my hands steadily. 

Even though I know this is a script, and that it’s part of the plot, I can’t help but feel that the red silk ball in my hands is akin to a solemn promise. 

A greedy thought even flits across my mind - maybe it’d be good if the story ends like this. 

On stage, the silk ball is finally handed to the scholar. The lady takes the silk ball and holds it with her lover.  

Under the embroidery building, Gavin suddenly takes my hand. 

Gavin: Perhaps this may be abrupt. MC, are you willing to marry me and become my wife? 

MC: ?!

Was there such a line in the script? 

I look at Gavin with confusion.

Gavin doesn’t say a word. He stares straight at me without a hint of evasion.

There are so many emotions within that pair of eyes, leaving me unable to make sense of them. I have no idea what to say. 

Off-stage, the audience erupt in thunderous cheers.

I glance to the side. Mr Keller, who has been watching the entire play, nods in my direction, signalling that I should continue in my role. 

My confusion dissipates when I see Gavin’s amber eyes, which are filled with deep, tender emotions and lingering affection. There is even an undercurrent of questioning and anticipation. 

It’s as though the answer I give would be an entrustment of the rest of my life. 

My heart beats loudly in my chest, feeling like it would leap out from my throat in the next second. 

MC: I... I accept. 

I blush and respond, not even sure if my words are loud enough to be heard by the audience off-stage. 

However, every single word is heard by Gavin, who has received my feelings. 

With a gentle laugh, he wraps an arm around my waist and lifts me up. 

Gavin brings me up the embroidery building to stand alongside the male and female leads.

At the end of the play, there is thunderous applause from off-stage. There are even a few audience members who are fully immersed in the story, sending us their blessings. 

In the midst of the applause, I tilt my head and lean towards Gavin’s ear, speaking softly. 

MC: Gavin, just now... I don’t remember seeing such a scene in the script?

Gavin: Mm, it was impromptu. 

MC: Why didn’t you tell me beforehand? I even thought...

Gavin doesn’t respond further, only smiling at me. 

Facing the cheering audience, the four of us bow and thank them for watching, as though worshipping the vast sea of people. 

After the play, everyone involved in the show gathers together to celebrate over dinner

MC: Gavin, thank you so much for today! It’s a good thing you saved the show! Back then... I really didn’t know what to do.

While I speak, I raise the drink in my hand, clinking it lightly against Gavin’s.

Gavin: You were looking for me just now to say this? 

He raises his drink, making up for the delayed clink. 

MC: Yeah. I wanted to thank you properly, but time was so tight that I couldn’t find the chance. Come to think of it, how did you know my lines...

Gavin: When we were rehearsing lines together, I just memorised them as well.

Gavin lowers his head and takes a mouthful of food, maintaining his usual casual attitude. Noticing that I’ve been watching him, he rubs his neck in slight confusion.

Gavin: Um... is there something on my face?

I immediately shake my head. A warm wave of emotions overflow from my heart. Countless words of gratitude are lodged in my throat, but I feel that no matter what I say, it would not be enough.

In the end, I silently fill a bowl of soup for him.

At the table, everyone is eating and drinking merrily, and the atmosphere is warm.

MC: After spending so many days with the crew, thinking of how we might not have the chance to get together like this again makes me feel quite reluctant to part with them.

I lean against Gavin, looking at the lively crew around us. 

MC: Gavin, I suddenly thought about something from my childhood. My dad used to be busy producing programs, and would bring me to the recording site to spend the New Year’s. The site was always busy, but no matter how pressed they were for time, everyone would sit down together and have an especially sumptuous dinner. Once I grew up, I also started spending my New Year’s working. I still remember that the warm ambience back then was the same as right now. 

Gavin: Mm, I can imagine. I used to spend New Year’s with my teammates, and it was very lively. 

MC: Even though it’s not at home, it’s still a different kind of fun!

Gavin: Since we’re on this topic, [coughs]...

Gavin seems to have something very important to say, but he takes another sip of his drink and stops. 

I blink, waiting for him quietly. I can vaguely guess what he wants to say.

In the end, he seems to become determined. He clears his throat and turns his head to look at me with a serious expression. 

Gavin: Over the next few days, if you don’t have anything else planned....

Gavin: Spend the New Year’s with me at home.

His tone is light, but the look in his eyes tells me just how solemn this invitation is. Even the tips of his ears turn an unnatural shade of red. 

I am very certain that, to the both of us, these words are the most precious and serious treasures from the deepest parts of his heart. 

MC: Okay. 

I nod heavily in response. Since a very long time ago, this answer has not changed.

The corners of Gavin’s lips turn up slightly. Those eyes, which always have an undercurrent of emotions, look like a glacier that has melted in spring, tenderly melting into a warm current. 

Gavin: I’ll pick you up then.

MC: Mm!!

The way his lips are curled upwards is as though all the uncertainties in his heart have found a most potent answer. 

I find myself smiling along with him.

MC: I recently learnt how to make a few New Year’s dishes, so we can try them. 

Gavin: All right, I can help. My skills... have improved. 

I freeze for a moment, making a sudden realisation. 

MC: Have you been practicing in secret? Looks like teaching you how to cook was a wise decision.

Gavin: ...I occasionally tried to.

MC: I’ll have to check the results of my teaching this year then!

Gavin: No problem. 

Gavin smiles, nodding his head with some measure of seriousness. He suddenly thinks of something.

Gavin: Oh yes, do we need to buy things like spring couplets?

MC: Mmhmm, we also have to buy the character “福”! It will only feel like New Year’s when we have these things pasted.

[Trivia: During the Chinese New Year, households paste an inverted red coloured square with the character 福 (“fu”, which means auspiciousness, blessing or happiness) on doors, walls, etc. to usher in such tidings]

I continue talking, listing on my fingers the items I want to purchase.

In my memory, my aunties’ fierce interrogations don’t seem that long ago. In just a blink of an eye, a new year has arrived. 

[Note: She’s making reference to the Spring Festival Date!]

This time, we can leave our time to each other. 

In a place belonging only to us, flipping open a new year’s calendar together.

The atmosphere at the dining table is just right. The sound of clinking glasses and celebration comes in waves. No one notices this small corner. 

We clasp each others’ fingers quietly. 

Our pulses, only separated by a layer of skin, call out to each other in the language of warmth.

I’m so lucky to have you by my side. 

[mikasaluna]

生きていたんだよな

⚠ WARNINGS：potentionally triggering content ! graphic suicide descriptions ! self harm ! dark content !

MINORS DO NOT INTERACT. MINORS WILL BE BLOCKED IMMEDIATELY.

「 Keep in mind your triggers and do not engage if it will provoke negative emotions. You are responsible for your own actions. 」

♥️

notes：gender neutral pronouns, angst, fluff (kind of?), 1,640 words

If you need help I recommend posting on r/suicidewatch or searching for your area’s local suicide helpline using ctrl+f on the following wikipedia page.

♥️

A/N：Also, I didn’t realise until now as I’m writing the tags, that most people spell Kuroo’s first name as “Tetsuro” without the “u”. I wrote it differently because that’s just the direct Japanese spelling and I didn’t know. Sorry about that.

Haikyuu!! / ハイキュー!!

Kuroo Tetsurou 黒尾鉄朗 

Kaji, hatsu, mame. Kaji, hatsu, mame. Kaji, hatsu, mame. You repeated the radicles to yourself as you wrote out the character over and over, feeling the muscle memory in your wrist kicking into gear. Your head was throbbing, hundreds of kanji readings swimming around in your mind. Now more than ever, the pressure of growing up had began to weigh down on you like a pile of bricks. Trying to make sense of all the pre-set rules in your life was difficult enough as it was, but just trying was never good enough. Nothing ever was. For every happy person in the world, there had to be an opposite, there had to be a person like you. It was pathetic. You were so damn pathetic. 

Your relationship with your mother, who’d left Japan to raise you all on her own, was hanging by threads. Could you really blame her though? Your grades had been falling steadily over the semester, and the scholarship which you’d worked so hard for was slipping through your fingers. You’d given up on yourself, and you wouldn’t be surprised if she’d given up on you too. The things that used to be so easy, laughing together at your little wooden dining table, became so far away, every night like a video tape stuck on repeat.

一体何を思ってるんだろう！バカの？

“What the hell are you thinking! Are you stupid?”

Why should you care? Maybe things would be easier if you just let your life fall to pieces. Maybe once you had nothing left to hold on to, you could finally break free. Maybe all this time, all you ever were was stupid. 

わかんない。

“I don’t know.”

You were lying through your teeth. Of course you knew. You were stupid for ever believing in all the things that made your life worth living, because they didn’t mean a thing at all. Locking yourself in your room, like you always did, isolating yourself. Too craven to face your problems, too tired to care. I can’t do this anymore. You’d been wandering through life aimlessly for so long. Searching for something, anything; waiting for that reason to come into your life, like every other person was insistent it would. Forcing yourself through each and every day, waiting and waiting; but it was time you realised, that reason never really existed at all. It was just another lie people told themselves, to try and make sense of their own existence. You were sure they knew as well as you did now, somewhere deep in their hearts, that their lives, your life, was just another figure on the chart. Another meaningless statistic. Your thoughts were racing, clogging up your brain and threatening to spew out of your mouth. You pulled your diary out from under your pillow;

’Thursday, 24th of December’

「Today’s a special day, isn’t it? I don’t know if I’ll be around for Christmas this year, that’s okay, it was never really my thing anyway. 

お母さん、ごめんなさい。いま、離れなくちゃダメだ。　　」

“Okaa-san, I’m sorry. I have to leave you now.”

With that, you couldn’t take it anymore. You’d been thinking about this day longer than you could bear, drafting your final words over and over in your head. But when it came down to it, was there really a right thing to say?

Grabbing your grey hoodie, you plugged some headphones into your i-pod. You’d figured that leaving your phone behind was a better idea, it meant that no one could call or track you. You’d do it right, and this time you’d make sure not to wake up ever again. Reaching the pavement outside, you began moving along you streets. You walked slowly, taking the time to look along the streets one last time. It was almost nostalgic, dream-like in a sense. The urban road you grew up  which you had never payed much mind, was calming. For once in a long time, you felt truly at peace.

There was a parking building nearby, one which your Okaa-san often parked in. It was tall and old, reaching 7 storeys into the sky, surrounded below by solid, grey asphalt. This was it. In the elevator ride to the top floor your heart was beating hard in your chest, thoughts so loud you thought they’d grow out of your mind and become real. You couldn’t allow yourself to look back now.

Standing by the ledge of the building, you looked out over the city, and wondered if anybody could see you up there. What would they think of you, somebody who’d throw their life away so easily? Hitting play on your i-pod, 生きていたんだよな (ikiteitandayona) by あいみょん (aimyon) began to play. The lyrics were tragic and bittersweet, but the rhythm made your adrenaline pump. You teetered even closer to the building’s edge, legs wobbling. The height made you feel dizzy as you peered down off the drop, and all the way down to the pavement below. But not for a second did you feel scared.

冷たいアスファルトに流れるあの血

♩ ‘On the cold asphalt, their blood flows.’

赤さが綺麗で綺麗で

♩ ‘That red is beautiful, beautiful.’

How long would you fall? You thought, sitting down and swinging your legs over the side of the building. You almost wanted to laugh. It reminded you of all those times you had snuck onto the school roof with your classmate in high school, what was his name again? Kuroo? Right, Kuroo Tetsurou. On the last week of school while you were skipping last period maths together, you had convinced him to smoke a joint with you right there on the roof. Those were the final memories you had ever made together, since you’d each left for different universities. Why were you thinking of him now, of all times?

最後のサヨナラは他の誰でもなく

♩ ‘Their last goodbye,'

Standing up, you leaned back and looking out over the view, one last time.

自分に叫んだんだろう

♩ ‘screamed to nobody but themself.’

You took a breath in, deep enough to feel your lungs burn. Tears stung at your eyes, but you bit them back and closed your eyes. Part of you wished you could fix this all, but you didn’t know how. You didn’t have the energy to try and make things better.

鳥になって 雲をつかんで

♩ ‘becoming a bird and grabbing the clouds’

Shuffling your toes over the edge, you had made the decision in your head.

風になって

♩ ‘becoming the wind...’

Your muscles relaxed, and you allowed yourself to fall off of the edge.

“WAIT-!” You heard a scream for a split second, a hand grabbing hopelessly at the back of your hoodie as you began to descend. It was too late now. The wind in your ears blocked out the voice yelling from above, muffling the sound. It was strangely tranquil here, floating down off the the 7th floor, the clearest your head had felt in months. Nevertheless, you couldn’t help but wonder.

Was this the right choice?

Finally, the concrete embraced you as your body slammed into the ground.

[This artwork does not belong to me. I saved it to my laptop a long time ago and now I can’t find the source, if you know the artist please send me a message so I can credit properly.]

________________________________________________________________

Your eyes fluttered open and bright white light flooded your vision.

Where the hell am I?

Everything hurt. Your head was pounding and your mind was fuzzy. Cotton sheets lay underneath your aching body and a mess of black hair lay beside you. Someone was sitting on a chair next to the bed, his cheek resting on your arm, shoulders rising and falling slowly in his sleep.

“Tetsurou?” Your voice came out broken and hoarse. 

He lifted his head slowly, eyes red and swollen, had he been crying? 

“W-where am I?”

“We’re in the hospital,” he said shakily “the firefighters caught you when you fell.”

The memories came flooding back. That’s right, you jumped. So, that wasn’t the ground you felt back then? Your head was filled with questions, but you weren’t sure where to start. He probably thought you were pathetic too, but part of you was just so happy. Happy you were alive to see him again. Kuroo had to be the only friend who ever really understood you and your stupid humor, having him there reminded you of that. Maybe it had impacted you more than you realised, not having a single person at uni who really got you.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” He uttered quietly from beside you.

“Tell you what, Tetsurou?” You looked over, sitting up steadily. His eyes were filled with pain.

“I was so scared, why didn’t you tell me what was going on!” Kuroo covered his face with his hand, but you could still see the tears falling onto his lap as he spoke. “I-I love you, you know that right? I still love you, and I would do anything... so why the hell didn’t you come talk to me!” His confession was broken and hurt, but it made your stomach twist. You couldn’t even understand it yourself, why you felt like this.

“What was I supposed to say? I’m pathetic, I don’t have any other reason.” It was true. Compared to most people, your life was easy. You had a family, a home, friends, education. What reason did you really have? To try to end your life, to be unhappy at all.

“I don’t care about that, just please... don’t leave me again.” It was the first time you’d ever heard Kuroo being so serious, and it almost scared you. Tears were stinging in your eyes at his words. You felt his big arms wrap around you, enveloping you in a safe, warm hug as your tears stained his shirt. Were you really so oblivious that you never realised how he felt about you?

“O-okay... and, Tetsurou?” 

“Yes?”

“I love you too.”

[leilalupin]

2020 recap and a big thank you to my favourite creators

Wow - 2020 really felt like so many years at once. And I can't believe that I only just discovered fanfiction and wolfstar this January while I actually was in the middle of writing an important essay. It's just - it feels like it has been years instead of months.

And never could I ever have expected how these two boys and their love just swept me off my feet so completely.

I just can't stop reading about their love! And it has already helped me through so many difficult situations. I just had to switch on my phone and had so many comforting words under my fingertips. And I realised how much I love writing myself and interacting with other readers and writers so I hope that I'll soon be able to publish some fics myself.

But now, I want to thank my favourite authors and creators who inspired me so much this year. You just deserve all the praise because you do all this work for free!

So I'm very happy to take part in the @wolfstarlibrarian 's lovely new year's challenge to send out all my love to you!

Favourite creators and fics in 2020:

Sweater Weather by @lumosinlove

I feel like I need to start this list with @lumosinlove because Hazel's fics brought me into this fandom and were the reason I joined Tumblr in the first place! I just love how she creates her characters, how she builds her worlds, and how she interacts with her readers. Her stories just feel so real! So picking one fic to recommend was very hard. But I think I'll go with Sweater Weather because it just felt like such a life-changing read for me in the way that she addresses the homophobia in the NHL and creates her OC’s.

Unknown Pleasures by @kattlupin

I love reading Katt’s fics and commenting on them so much! Not only does she write the most amazing fluff, but also she never fails to react to every comment with so much love. So picking just one fic was super hard. But I chose Unknown Pleasures because I thought it is such an interesting idea to combine a lockdown with the magical world and the domestic bliss she created is just chef’s kiss! (Also please follow her and @remus-john-lupin to check out their current wolfstar love letter series Ink & Parchment you won’t regret it!!)

Celestial Bodies by @remus-john-lupin

RJ’s fics are just always soo good! I still have many many that I want to read but, for now, I want to recommend Celestial Bodies. It is just so super wholsome and you can really feel their relationship blossom and how Remus gets more and more confident. And Remus parents are just hilarious! 

You’ve Got Love by @cruisinwritealong

This fic is the reason why I am absolutely in love with New Orleans - it was  described so super well and I now want to visit asap. But more than that JB just creates such a beautiful atmosphere and I cried from happiness when they finally kissed! The fic is based on the movie You’ve Got Mail but I’m not sure if I want to watch it after reading JB’s masterpiece. I think it seriously can’t hold a candle to it!

Fanfic Writer AU by @mlim8

I absolutely had to include Mel’s artwork in this list! She constantly makes me laugh, swoon or cry with her drawings of our favorite boys. Please check out her profile! My current favorite is her Fanfic Writer AU which is just hilarious, honestly! (Plus: it features the dog Padfoot and his Moony plushie!!) 

The End of a Serene Quarantine (aka: Why The Hell Did Lockdown Have To End) by @blitheringmcgonagall

I just love love love Mia’s writing! And I literally can’t wait to finally find the time to read her big and complete Marauder’s Era fic We Can Be Heroes. Until then I want to recommend you this short fic of hers because Remus is just so adorable and hilarious! (And for me as an introvert, he is also totally relatable). Also thank you Mia for tagging me in funny picrews and writing me sweet messages, they never fail to warm my heart!

Heavy In Your Arms by @mollymarymarie

This fic - I just have no words. Like with all of Molly’s fics I completely binge-read it. It has got a great Slytherin Sirius, Reggie and Remus bond together to save him and it’s sweet and thrilling at the same time! Plus the descriptions of the different common rooms are just amazing.

Chocolate Cake by @theprongsletthatlived

This fic is hands-down one of the funniest ever! I just love how Sirius slowly realises that he loves Remus and that he is an angel that he can’t afford to lose!  Victoria does this so lovingly and it’s just a pleasure to read (and please also read the story from Remus’ perspective: Banana Split). 

Kings of the World by @simplysirius

This is the Titanic AU that completely took me by surprise! I must say that I have not watched the movie for a long time but I think that Katerina managed to make her fic feel like a completely different story and with its own captivating atmosphere. This fic was so thrilling, sad and heart-warming you just need to read it! With Sirius as Rose and Remus as Jack + Reggie and Jily.

Sirius loved Remus’s angel curls by @wolfstarlibrarian

Last but not least, I also HAD to include the librarian in this list! Not only do they comfort us with their lists and fun challenges but they also bless us with tiny, amazing bits of writing, too! Thank you for everything you do for this fandom!

This list is in no way complete and there are so many more fics that I loved! So thank you to everyone who writes, makes art and shares it with all of us! You are amazing and I definitely need to make more lists like this in the future. 

Happy New Year!

​

[boredfanwrites]

Love, Simon Harringrove AU

I'm sorry (not really) this is probably a bit long but I've already started writing this fic and these are just outline bullet points.

Anyway, what I mean is after a short reprieve following the submission of my assignment: I'm back and please take this poor persons Harringrove AU.

First - Billy isn't as big of an asshole (my AU so I say so).

Second - modern day, pretty much exactly the same setting as Love, Simon.

Third - Neither of them have their cars, this is important later.

Fourth - I have complete control over characters so if I say Barb lives, Barb lives.

Moving on.

Steve is Simon, Billy is Brahm but also not really.

Steve is the one to kick things off, he places an ad in their school paper, not blog because he knows fewer people read the papers and the kind of people Steve wants to meet are the kind that pick up the papers.

He intends to communicate through the ads but the editor adds the email address he'd created to send in the submission.

Hi, lets get things straight: I'm not. I'm gay. I'm not expecting advice or a congrats or whatever. Hell you don't even need to publish it. I just, I needed to get it off my chest somewhere. I've spent my whole life either not knowing, or hiding when I realised. I don't know why I'm even doing this. I don't wanna be alone anymore, I think that's it. I can't be alone. I'm gay, that's normal, I'm fine the way I am. I'm sick of hiding, but I don't think I'm ready to truly come out.

In comes Billy, reading Steve's little piece, obviously not knowing its Steve. And against his better judgement Billy finds himself writing a reply.

I'm like you. Gay that is. I've known since I was thirteen and I kissed a boy in the bathroom of a dingy movie theatre. I've been hiding ever since. I've always been scared of what it meant. But maybe I'm not so alone. If you want a friend in this, I can be one.

It's the first time Billy's admitted it out loud, even if it is only on an electronic document. It's his first admission that he's not the son his father wants him to be so desperately.

Max is still his step-sister, but he gets along with her far better in the AU. She's still a little shit of a sister but she knows when to back off and Billy knows to not take his anger out on her. It's not her fault.

They don't have a good sibling relationship in the slightest but they're doing ok.

Steve still drives around the nerd herd. Still babysits Dustin - though it's less babysitting more making sure he doesn't accidentally kill himself.

Steve reads through the reply, the only reply he'd gotten and he's thankful. He wanted a friend so badly. He had Robin, of course, they were both gay but it was kinda difficult to give each other advice, dating or general LGBTQ+, when they didn't like the same gender. Steve could give a few tips but his track record left nothing to be desired. And Robin barely interacted with boys.

Steve has Jonathon and Nancy, but they don't know so it's not the same. Not really. Besides they're usually too coupley to give a shit about his poor sad single life half the time.

Billy and Steve are hesitant friends, they're both friends with Jonathon so are civil to each other, they're around each other a lot but they're not friends.

So Steve writes something back, and so does Billy. They ask the stereotypical icebreaker questions: favourite foods, colours, places etc. But they both want to dig a little deeper.

After a few emails, Steve suggests fake names to sign off with, a way to get closer.

Billy agrees but only if they can be named after their absolute dream cars - Billy is stuck driving Neil's beaten down pile of crap and needs to remind himself what he's working towards.

So they become Beemer and Camaro and boy does Billy have a field day with Beemer.

Regardless, having names to address each other by leads them to open up more. The person on the other side of the screen becoming more real.

Steve talks about how he's not doing so good academically but he wants to be, he's trying but it's never enough. How nothing is ever good enough for his parents but they're never around to see him either.

He mentions that there's this kid he looks after and how he's basically the little brother he never had and how much his mom wants to adopt him. Steve admits if it wasn't for appearances he's sure his parents would jump at the chance.

Billy admits that as much as he can get along with his stepsister she can be such a little shit. He's supposed to look after her but 'she's 13 for god's sake, she has her own mobile phone, and I can't do anything' and how his dad will beat on him if she's not home by a certain time.

It frustrates Billy to no end because even she's home by curfew she'll offhandedly mention something else that Billy did that his dad didn't like him doing. His dad finds a lot of reasons to punch Billy black and blue.

Steve finally gets given his own walkie and he feels honoured. He uses it to communicate with everyone, but Dustin informed him there's a special channel just for Steve that is one on one if the others ever need him and only him. Steve teared up a little bit.

Billy's been happier than ever talking to Beemer and Neil notices, starts finding even smaller reasons: not placing his plate in the dishwasher, not picking up after Max, not helping Susan unpack the groceries (he wasn't even home, how was he supposed to know?).

Max isn't an idiot. And one night she hears a resounding thud and Neil storming off and the shattering of glass. An engine rumbles and roars down the street. Max races into Billy's room, only to find the boy unconscious on the floor. She screams for her mom but Susan pretends not to hear, so she does the only other thing she can think of.

Steve has been having worse bouts of insomnia so he's awake, trying to be productive when his walkie goes off. Imagine his shock and horror when Max’s voice heaves out between sobs that Billy isn’t waking up. So of course he grabs his keys and goes running.

Billy wakes up to Max’s heavy breathing and an unfamiliar pressure just below his left eye. He struggles to open them but then hears a familiar voice telling him to ‘relax, don’t force it. You’re gonna have a great shiner in the morning but other than that you’ll be ok.’ And Billy knows that voice, that’s Harrington. Why is Harrington in his house?

An hour later, both eyes open and a few scratches patched up, Billy and Steve sit on the end of his bed, Max on the floor in front of them. None of them say anything, but Steve holds out a pinky to Billy and Billy takes it.

A few days after Steve takes a moment to think. Camaro said his dad beats on him. Unless Billy got in a fight earlier and it was a delayed reaction it could only be his dad.

So Steve tests the waters, admittedly his most stupid mistake.

I was trying to be productive a few nights ago. You know how my insomnia is getting. Anyway one of the friends of the kid I babysit called me and said her brother wasn’t waking up. I go over there, patch him up and then we don’t really say anything else. I’m glad my first aid training came in to play, lord knows I’ve patched the kids up too many times. But it was the weirdest experience of my life, honestly.

Camaro drops off the face of the earth. So does Billy. The only reason Steve knows he’s alive is because both Jonathon and Tommy text him updates from time to time. Tommy doesn’t go into detail, doesn’t really give a shit, just a thumbs up whenever he sees Billy.

But Jonathon. Steve is very thankful for Jonathon’s friendship. He tells Steve whenever there’s a new mark on him, how Hopper picked him up and Joyce had bailed him out. How Will was getting along with Billy so well since he’d camped out on their couch a few weeks ago.

It’s been so long. Months. And Steve is so lonely. Even before Camaro, he didn’t realise how much he and Billy actually interacted, how much time they’d spent together. It was back to just Steve and Robin. Which wasn’t bad, but wasn’t the same. Steve had given up hope.

Look. I know we know who each other is now. I know that’s not good English, I’ve had a couple beers so forgive me, King Steve. I like talking to you, I really do. But I meant it when I said I was scared. I can’t do this. Just give me a week or two, I’ll be back in school and we can go back to how it was. I’m sorry.

Steve doesn’t think it can go back to how it was.

Billy doesn’t want to go back to how it was. He doesn’t want to lose Steve now that he has him. But his body felt like it was falling apart most days. The only reprieve was the few nights every couple weeks he spent on the Byers’ couch. Even if he did get a worse beating after.

Steve tries to make life easier on Billy in the ways that he can. Brings Max back at least fifteen minutes before curfew, he offers to help Susan here and there when he sees her, offers to babysit Max if he’s looking after the rest of the nerd herd.

Neil likes him, Steve hates Neil. But he never sees Billy.

It comes to a head one day. Steve has to pick up Dustin when he hears arguing. Heading out to the back he sees Max stomping about, yelling at Billy and god, Billy just looks tired. So Steve heads over, places himself between the two and tells Max to wait with Dustin in the car.

He turns to Billy, sees his glassy eyes, and sees how much weight Billy has lost. And did all of this stem from him and Billy not talking or was there more.

Billy takes one look at Steve and breaks. He babbles nonsense about how he would never hurt Max, would never lay a finger on her. Steve shushes him, carefully placing his hands on Billy’s shoulders. Billy doesn’t notice.

Steve wonders where it came from, what was going through Billy’s head. He pulled him closer until Billy’s hands fisted in his shirt, a patch on Steve’s chest dampening.

I really fucking like you. You’re so good. And I’m scared, I’m so scared.

Billy. I really fucking like you too. It’s ok that you’re scared. I get it. I just want us to try. It doesn’t have to be now. It’s only ever gonna be when you’re ready but I’m going to be here.

Billy has only ever wanted someone who tried. Someone who was going to stick around for him. There Steve was, making promises. Being way too good for Billy.

Steve doesn’t let him go.

There’s gonna be a few scenes in the fic that weren’t mentioned, mostly because I will be writing this fic at some point and I want a few mysteries and extra stuff. Likewise for the emails, they’re all gonna be included.

Also, currently I’m not sure I like the ending, I was planning on doing a few fluffy, epilogue one-shots once the fic is done but I don’t know whether to keep the ending I’ve got or whether to stick more closely to the Love, Simon (Steve trying to do something big and public etc.). But for now, take what I have and be on the lookout for either the first instalment or just one long-ass fic in the near future.

[checkurwindow]

someone you don’t even know

Book: Open Heart

Warning: Mention of accident, injuries, memory loss. Angst. So much angst.

Rating: General

Pairing: Bryce x F!MC

Word Count: 4500+

Author’s note: It’s been a hot minute and this fic forever to write but here we are. Also, it’s 1 am here so Merry Christmas to those who celebrate it! Make my Christmas a little bit merrier by checking out my masterlist while you’re here!

He opened the door and let her walk in first. She walked in slowly, taking in the new surroundings. He closed the door behind them and put down the duffle bag full of things she used while at the hospital.

She felt relieved, being able to get out of the hospital after almost 3 weeks. The apartment felt familiar, yet she had no recollection of it at all. It was like something was pulling her in, making her feel the slightest bit of comfort, but she didn’t have a clue what it was.

She turned to face him, the man who had been by her side throughout her stay at the hospital. The man who took care of her day and night, dropping everything that was going on in his line for her. The man who hadn’t spent more than 20 minutes apart from her since she had woken up. The man who was her boyfriend. Supposedly.

Bryce smiled at her softly, “welcome home.”

“Thanks,” she smiled back, feeling like it was the polite thing to do.

The first night ‘home’ hadn’t been as comfortable as she had expected it to be.

She had taken a shower and found him sitting on their bed, back resting against the headboard and reading a book. He looked up when she had come out of the bathroom and smiled at her. She smiled back a fraction of a second too late, which was just enough to make him clear his throat and sit up straighter in bed.

Cautiously walking back to bed, she took hold of her phone, mindlessly scrolling through social media as a lousy attempt to ease her mind; it wasn’t the most comforting thing to sleep in the same bed as someone whose full name you could barely remember.

“Not sleeping yet?” He asked as he put the book down on the bedside table next to him.

“Soon,” she answered, her back still facing him.

He scrolled through the texts on his phone, most from people at the hospital who he had barely talked to throughout his whole residency. He didn’t pay any attention to those texts, he knew they just wanted to find out details about her condition, since he made sure that nobody except the doctors at Edenbrook who had treated her knee about the full extent of her condition.

The only good thing to come out of the messages from all the fake people were that he knew exactly what they knew about her injuries, and he had full control of what else they would know.

At the very least he could still bluff everyone and hide the fact that she had memory loss, as there weren’t any big indicators of it that anyone knew of for now. Dr Banerji, who was one of those trusted doctors, told her to take all the time she needed before coming back to the hospital, and that she would still have her spot on the program no matter what.

All he needed to do was ask for privacy and follow the steps that their close friends had advised him to do. Then again, when had he really followed all the rules? Despite that, he was going to try his best to make her as comfortable as possible. That’s all he really wanted.

She finally put her phone away and he followed suit when she laid down on the bed. He went to switch off the lights but she stopped him.

“Can you leave the lights on?” She asked, her grip on the blanket tightening a bit, “I’m afraid of the dark…”

Bryce was, of course, well aware of that fact. But he had forgotten that the reason he went to turn the lights off was because she had grown used to sleeping in the dark as long as he was by her side. He simply nodded and smiled, keeping the slight bout of pain on the inside, before taking his hands off the switch.

She laid on her back as he adjusted the blanket on her, tucking her in. He closed his eyes and took a step back. It took every single once in his being to resist giving her a kiss goodnight, or one on the forehead, even a hug would’ve felt exceptional to him.

A few moments later, he felt the weight on the bed shift as she moved. He opened his eyes only to find himself looking at her back instead. He lowered his gaze and took a deep breath. He shut his eyes tightly, willing the upcoming tears back, and reassured himself that it was only the first night back. She would get better.

The following morning, she woke up with a jump after realising that her body was being embraced by someone from behind. It had been an act of muscle memory, a force of habit for Bryce, not knowing that it had scared her greatly. She quickly sat up defensively, leaning against the headboard as far back as possible.

“Oh, god, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you,” he apologised, now fully awake as a result of the sudden movement on her part.

She was panting slightly at the shock, trying the calm herself down with deep breaths, “no, it’s okay. It wasn’t your fault.”

He had barely managed to get a single syllable out before she immediately got off the bed and ran straight to the bathroom.

On the second night, he noticed she was still curled up on the living room couch reading even though it was well past midnight. She had told him to go to bed first as she wasn’t sleepy yet, but he decided to stay with her anyway, sitting on the couch opposite her and working on holographic blueprints of the latest modifications of his suit.

They talked every few minutes, somewhat like they used to, commenting here and there. She was getting sleepy but continued reading.

They both yawned almost at the same time and he let out a short chuckle, “you should sleep now, I can tell you’re tired.”

“It’s fine, you can sleep first. I just want to finish this chapter,” she replied, eyes plastered on the book in her hands.

He gave a flat smile and nodded wearily, “don’t sleep too late, okay?” he said and retreated back to the bedroom.

He didn’t expect to wake up a little later than 2 in the morning to find the space beside him still empty. Thinking that she was still up reading, he went back into the living room to try and coax her back to the bedroom to sleep.

He expected to find the book she was reading open on the couch or even the coffee table, but he found it perfectly placed in the bookshelf where she had gotten it from. He let out a soft sigh when he realised that she purposely wanted him to go to bed first so that she could sleep outside alone.

He personally knew from experience that falling asleep on the couch overnight would result in a lot of back pain in the morning, but he couldn’t bring himself to disrupt her in her sleep, especially when this was the most peaceful she had looked these past 3 weeks.

Retrieving a blanket from the cupboard, he gently placed it on her, freezing up when she started to stir in her sleep. He stopped himself from stroking her head with his hand, something he had always loved, scared that she wasn’t fully asleep and would yet again jump at his touch.

Before going back to the bedroom, he turned off all the main lights because nobody liked to wake up with blinding lights in their eyes. But he also made sure to turn on the small lamp in the corner of the room, just so if she woke up before dawn, she wouldn’t be left in complete darkness and be scared.

It was around 4 in the morning when he next went into the living room. He had spent the better part of the last 2 hours tossing in turning in bed. He just couldn’t get his mind off her being so uncomfortable and cold in the living room.

So he returned to the living room, this time finding her curled up in a ball, holding the blanket as close to her body as possible.

Bryce wanted nothing more than to carry her back into the bedroom and hold her close to keep her warm. He didn’t want her to be sleeping on an uncomfortable sofa when there was a perfectly good bed to sleep in just 20 footsteps away; especially since it had barely been 2 days since she was discharged from the hospital.

But after recalling how she had reacted earlier in the morning, he had been more cautious with his actions. He didn’t want her to wake up in shock again in his arms.

So he bent down beside her and lightly tapped her arm, “hey..wake up.”

She frowned slightly and stirred in the small space of the sofa before eventually opening her eyes.

“You shouldn’t be sleeping here, I know it’s uncomfortable,” he said softly.

She looked as if she was still processing his words but in reality was trying to come up with a good enough lie after being caught by him, “oh, I just...fell asleep I guess,” she sat up slowly before getting up from the couch, the cold getting the better of her.

Bryce stood up from his crouched position as well and trailed behind her back to the bedroom.

Sleep was as awkward and silent as the previous night, if not more, as she was cautious to prevent that morning’s incident from happening again. He quickly picked up on it and grabbed an extra pillow from the closet and placed it between them.

She glanced up at him with a shocked expression but he simply smiled. She gave him a small nod before lying down on her side, once again with her back facing Bryce. He rested his head slowly on his pillow, eyes still only being able to focus on the back of her head.

He wondered when it would end, he longed for the day he could have the old her back. But he knew as hard as it was for him, it was much more difficult for her. He couldn’t even fathom living a life that didn’t feel like his own, much less actually live it. He just needed to be patient.

However, the following nights made Bryce worry if patience alone was enough. Was he doing something wrong? Was giving her time and space in the first place the wrong choice? She had been purposely avoiding him and limiting their interactions, and he knew that she needed time but how much longer would he wait? Finally, he decided to bring it up at breakfast the next day.

“Sleep in the bedroom tonight, okay?” She instantly looked up from her phone, “I’ll sleep in the guest room.”

“Bry...” he smiled, it had been so long since he had last heard her say that. She had been so formal with him ever since the accident and he missed all the nicknames and little things she used to call him.

‘I’ll be fine. I just don’t want you to sleep in the living room,” the guest room had a bed that hadn’t been used in a long time since they lived there by themselves , it was a dusty, small, not his ideal place to sleep. But he did what he needed to make her comfortable, he’d do anything for her.

3 weeks later he sat at the dining room table drinking his coffee and reading through the newest issue of his favourite medical journal. He heard the creaking of a door and looked up to see her walk through the doorway, “morning,” he greeted with a kind smile, “do you want a big breakfast? I’ve got some time before work.”

“It’s fine, I just want some toast,” she said and he smiled again with a nod.

He swiftly made his own breakfast as well as hers and placed it on the table in front of her before taking a seat opposite her.

“Do you have any plans after work today?” He asked when silence had loomed over them and left them awkwardly looking down at their own plates.

She nodded, “I’m having dinner with a friend.”

Bryce tried his best not to look disappointed. He knew it had been difficult for her as well but it had been two weeks since she had last eaten dinner at home with him. He only got to see him in the mornings and late at night before bed. It almost felt unfair that Bryce was the person that spent the least time with her compared to her colleagues and friends even though he was the one living with her.

His mind wandered through the worst possibilities when the ring that rested comfortably around her ring finger caught his eye. He smiled and reassured himself that everything was still fine between them; she just needed time.

“I’ll be home late so don’t wait up,” she added, dusting the bread crumbs off her hands and got up to wash her coffee cup and plate.

“Thank you for breakfast, Bryce,” she said as she passed by him on the way back to the bedroom. That would be the last time he saw her that day.

The moment he heard the dreaded sound of the door close, his hand went up to his face to massage his temple as he rested on the other propped up arm. Her other doctors had advised him to take it slow. No big gestures like sudden hugs or kisses; even a touch of the hand might be bad, but he could try from time to time. He had been taking it slow, painfully so.

He had even told her that she could ask him about anything that she wanted to know and he would answer it immediately, no questions, but she just nodded and continued her ways of not speaking to him unless necessary.

At times, Bryce felt as if she wasn’t even trying, but he knew deep down she was. He had seen her scrolling through her old Instagram posts and photo gallery, looking at pictures of them.

He had wanted to talk about it and tell her certain events related to the photos but she would turn off and hide her phone quickly whenever she caught him staring at her while she was looking at the pictures.

That night, she sat in a restaurant scrolling through her phone gallery again. She paused after coming across a picture of both of them at home. Bryce was hugging her from behind, his head resting on her shoulder with a wide smile on both their faces; they used to look so happy together.

She looked up when she heard the chair opposite her pull back, “missing someone?” Sienna smiled at her.

She looked up, smiling back before she turned off the phone and placed it by her side.

“Is it possible to miss someone you don’t even know?” She let out a dry laugh but Sienna’s smile dropped a little.

“Is everything okay?” She asked, but the other just nodded with a smile that seemed too wide to be real.

“Do you,” she started, hesitating halfway through, “do you know anything about me and Bryce? About what we were before all of this?”

She was quiet for a while, taking time to come up with the best answer to the unexpected question, “Bryce is probably the best person to answer th-”

“Please, Si, I need to know.”

She exhaled, before starting again, “You...loved each other a lot. You’d go to the greatest lengths to protect one another, there were little to none limits when it came to you two.”

She nodded, Sienna wasn’t the first person to say that. She had asked everyone, Jackie, Elijah, even as far as Ethan Ramsey, and had gotten similar answers. They all said that they hadn’t officially gotten married but they had long ago moved in together. They wanted to get married, no big ceremony, somewhere nice, somewhere quiet, just their close friends and family, that was all they needed.

Everyone said that Bryce loved her, a lot. It was the first thing almost all of them had said. It was almost as if they wanted to reassure her given his past reputations, but she didn’t need any reassurance. How could she feel insecure about who loves her and who doesn’t when she could barely remember who the people in her life were.

She got back a little earlier that night. Bryce was sitting in the living room watching something on the tv when she walked in.

“Hey,” he greeted, pausing whatever was playing, “do you want to eat anything?”

He had already stood up when she said, “no thanks, I’m just gonna take a shower.”

Bryce nodded and she made her way to the bedroom. It wasn’t long before she emerged from the hallway and decided to join him in the living room. Albeit awkward, she sat on the sofa beside him, earning her a soft smile from Bryce as she turned to him.

“What are you watching?” She asked.

He shrugged, “nothing special, just some reruns of trashy reality shows,” from then on their silence was only accompanied by soft murmurs of the audio from the tv.

Slowly reaching out for her hands on her lap and bringing it to his own, he caressed the back of her hand with his thumb, “can we talk?” He turned to face her and she did the same, “it feels like it’s been a while since I last got to talk to you.”

She nodded silently, prompting him to continue.

“You know you can ask me anything, right?” She held his stare, “about anything; myself, our relationship...anything,” he looked at her with an expectant look in his eyes.

She nodded, “yeah, I know.”

“I just feel like,” he exhaled slowly, “ I feel like you’ve been avoiding me recently,” he let out a soft, dry laugh, “I really miss you.”

She looked down at her own free hand, unable to hold his gaze any longer, “Bryce,” she took a deep breath, “do you have any idea? How hard it is to live with a stranger?

She pursed her lips and closed her eyes, trying to regulate her racing heartbeat.

When she finally did open her eyes, she was immediately met with his soft brown ones, and something in her tugged at her heart, forcing her to speak up again, “I try, okay? I try so hard to remember what we had, to remember how much I used to love you because that’s all everyone around here can tell me.”

Her eyes had started to water, along with his, but his grip on her hand never faltered, “but I can’t, I can’t remember anything. Every day, I try to get something, anything out of my brain. I just want any little memory to bring back my feelings for you,” her voice was so strained and pained that Bryce just wanted it to stop.

But she wanted to tell him all those things, to make him understand what she’s feeling, so he listened.

She looked away and wiped her tears with the back of her hands. She took a while to pull all her feelings together, but when she turned back to him, there he was, patiently waiting for her, as he had always been.

“Every day it pains me to see you, to see this man, who had been so kind and patient with me all this while that I feel like I have to force myself to love this person, who I barely know, love him like how I had loved him before,” her voice began to shake, but I just...I can’t, I don’t.”

Bryce looked away, blinking away the tears that were brimming at his eyelids. It was painful to know that he could never have her back, the real her. But he would never want her to be in pain, even if it meant that he could never see her again.

“It’s okay,” his arm clutched the sofa cushion, “what do you want me to do? I’ll do anything you want, please” he pleaded earnestly.

She held his gaze for a while, maybe she was searching for an answer in the entrancing eyes of his, before speaking softly. It was as soft as a whisper but he heard it loud and clear, word for word.

“I want you to let me go.”

If heartbreak were audible, she would have heard the loud shattering of his heart breaking into a million little pieces; pieces of a puzzle he wasn’t sure would be able to be put back together.

He tilted his head to the side, trying to get a good look at her face and hope she’d take back what she just said. Her head hung low, eyes shut close and waiting for his response.

Nodding to himself and swallowing the lump at the back of his throat, he took her hand from his lap and placed it back on hers, “okay,” was all he said.

She opened her eyes and lifted her head, finally meeting his gaze again.

“I’ll let you go,” it was the furthest thing from what he actually wanted to say, but he said it anyway.

He forced a smile, “I understand. But I want you to take the penthouse; I’ll move out.”

“Bryce-”

He shook his head, “you’re still recovering, stay here. You can look for a new one once you’re better. I just want you to take it slow for now.

Her eyes started to water again, she never intended to hurt him. That was why she had gone out and avoided being at the penthouse every chance she got, she didn’t want to see his pained expression every time their eyes met.

And yet, they both got hurt in the process, there was no turning back now.

The next morning saw her awkwardly walking into the dining room where Bryce was already sitting. He looked up and smiled as he had always done every single day since she had woken up in the hospital.

He placed a plate of eggs and sausages in front of her seat before finishing his own ‘breakfast’ of a large cup of coffee.

‘You aren’t working today?”

He shook his head and smiled at her. It looked fake, his face looked drained and tired, his eyes were puffier than usual, but he responded in the cheeriest tone he could muster, ��you?”

“I’m off today.”

“You can help me pack then,” he joked, letting out a dry laugh.

Her eyes widened, “you’re moving out today?”

“Yeah.” he nodded, “I have a friend who has an extra room, I’m renting it from him for the time being. It’ll take some time to move all my stuff since I don’t want any movers coming in and out of the apartment, so I hope you don’t mind.”

She fell silent, eyes lowering to the still uneaten food on her plate. She thought that Bryce shouldn’t be the one who moved out. She was the one who told him to let her go. She was the one who should leave; leave the apartment, maybe the city, leave his life. She didn’t deserve him, he deserved far better than the broken soul that he still loved.

He noticed the guilt on her face, he was always so good at reading her, “hey,” he tapped her hand lightly, “look at me.”

She was hesitant, playing all the scenarios out in her head.

“Please.”

She looked up. She didn’t know why she did but it was like his voice alone could surpass the control of her own body, it had that effect on her.

“It’s okay, really. I’m okay,” he sounded sincere, “I was so focused on your recovery that I didn’t even realise how much pressure you already had. I’m sorry.”

It wasn’t right, she should be the one apologising, but she kept quiet. She couldn't speak, afraid that her body would break down if she made the whole situation worse by saying something wrong.

“Maybe we weren’t meant to be together for long, but I don’t regret any of my time spent with you,” tears rolled down his cheeks and he laughed it off, wiping it with the back of his hand.

He stood up, the scrapping of the chair filling the room, “I have to start now if I want to make any progress by the end of the day,” he said, smiling at her.

That smile, she had no clue why or how, but it broke her on the inside.

By the end of the day, he managed to pack a few boxes, but decided on just taking some of his clothes and essentials for the night and coming back for the rest the next day.

With his luggage by his side and a duffle bag right on top of it, Bryce felt as if he was leaving the country for another of his usual boring business meetings, but the thought of him not returning to a place he shared with her made his heart ache.

He turned back to bid his goodbyes to her but she spoke up first, “can I...hug you?”

The shocked expression on his face faded as a smile set in instead, “sure. I’d like that.”

She leaned forward and hugged him tightly, and he returned the hug with as much love as he could muster, trying somehow to transfer his feelings and leaving words and unspoken as to not tear up the second he met her eyes again.

He hid his face in the crook of her neck, closing his eyes. It felt like centuries had passed since he last had the luxury of hugging her. He felt her hand at the back of his head, her hands running through his hair and stroking comfortingly.

It was almost as if the accident had never happened. For the next few moments that he would treasure endlessly for the rest of his life, it was like they were back to 3 months ago, they were so in love, he was so deeply infatuated with her, he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her.

“If one day, just if, you want me back, please just let me know,” Bryce’s voice was muffled against her neck.

It was almost impossible at that point but he still held that last strand of hope that one day her memory would return. She understood what he meant, but couldn’t bring herself to give him more hope and look forward to the day she runs back to him, because she had no clue if that day would ever come.

“Yeah, maybe.”

[vowled]

Unpopular Opinion: Johnlock edition

So, I am, as invariably suggested by my blog and username, a major Sherlock fan. I absolutely love it. The first time I watched it, I immediately related to it, and my peabag brain instantly saw a friend in John Watson. Sherlock’s character, on the other hand, was quite unconventional to me. I couldn’t bring myself to quite like him for the first 2 episodes. He was.....different. I knew I wanted to watch the series just for the dynamic duo and their and sweet friendship. The cases I couldn’t at first care for much, but eventually that changed too. I always was completely amazed by how well they had managed to adapt the series to the 21st century and their subtle winks to the original canon too was quite impressive. Eventually, I fell in love with it, and proceeded to watch the entire series thrice. in a row. I was, and still am, completely obsessed. 

Then came the thought, which was also somehow initially suggested subtly by the show itself, ” What if Sherlock and John are in Love?” I must agree, I had read too many conspiracy theories about certain celebs being closeted to not come up with that question. 

At first it was just a thought. But then, critical analyses on tumblr came up. I couldn’t stop reading them?! and so many of them were thought-provoking and persuasive and honestly, I was living for it. The phone = heart theory is still one of the best Theories I’ve read among all the fandoms I’ve ever been in. And that is just one among many. JohnLock was everywhere. Other ships were persistent, but none could reach the amount of fervor as JohnLock. And I was living for it too. I still really enjoy all the adorable fanfics and the ever-interesting theories, and honestly, at this point, my motto is “I’ll find homoerotic subtext even if it kills me”.

Shipping is ok, shipping is good. But here’s the deal we need to talk about:  we shouldn’t justify our ships to the point of interpreting every action as romantic. This propagates unrealistic expectations and results in harmful stereotypes.

Yes, I’m talking about the unending debate on Johnlock. 

From season one itself, Johnlock was phenomenal. It is widely argued that  the show-runners themselves inserted subtle hints, and hence, birthed this beast on their own. The Sherlock fandom remains one of the oldest fandoms in the world, with its beginnings rooted in the Nineteenth Century when ASiS was published, and since then many have argued about the latent homosexual subtext embedded into the writing, my point here being people have been shipping Johnlock for well over a hundred years. Hence, It’s not really a surprise that people are still drawn to this ship. But to be shipped by this magnitude of people? This invariably suggests that there’s material provided to us by the creators themselves that is very blatantly obvious about the relationship. And while in most cases shipping two characters is completely okay in itself, according to me, shipping Johnlock has further validation in the fact that there is proof of intent of it becoming canon eventually (at least in the first two seasons).

Like I said before, shipping is OK, shipping is good. 

But is shipping okay if we take it to the point of over-analysing every move?

Sherlock is a comfort character for me. God knows half of my maladaptive daydreams are about him being a father figure towards me. My entire twitter tl and Tumblr dashboard is stuffed with cutesy or angsty things about him, and that’s great! But being in the fandom for about eight months, I’ve realised how this sort of feed eventually resulted in me completely forgetting the original storyline, and more importantly, in me forgetting how flawed a character Sherlock is!

Everyone(including me, the first time) freaks out in HLV because of how Sherlock isn’t listed as John’s pressure point. I, however, think we should question ourselves: Why should John still consider Sherlock that tantalizingly close to himself as he was in the beginning? John learnt his best friend had died, and he decided to do the bravest thing he could: make peace with it and move on. BUT NO! The Ghost of the man who loved him returned from the grave to haunt him! Here I talk about the other possible reasons why Sherlock wasn’t a pressure point for John in HLV. 

I am tired of this constant sugarcoating of Sherlock’s character. I am tired of seeing constant posts about how Sweet and caring Sherlock is and how much he loves John and how he loved her more than Mary. I am done with over analysis of every single shot where Sherlock looks at John, completely done. This shot below? It’s been overused for so many fanfics and cheesy romantic lines that I forgot that it’s supposed to be a look of GUILT.

Anyone who knows me knows that I love sherlock so dearly because he’s a very unlikeable character. That is precisely what sets him so far apart from the other characters. Sherlock started off with a hateful and dismissive character, but through the course of the events he undergoes a lot of emotional development. And that is truly noteworthy. In TFP he said for Mycroft, “ He did the best he could (for Eurus)...” and that is truly sentimental. This sort of development is always heartwarming.

What I want people to understand is that Analysis is, obviously, important. And CRITICAL ANALYSIS more so. And it’s saddening to see so many people glossing over the critical part of the analysis. Why is it so wrong to point out HOW HURTFUL SHERLOCK’S ACTIONS TOWARDS JOHN HAVE BEEN?  Why is it wrong to to point out Johnlockers borderline bully other shippers? 

Can we finally talk about the problematic aspects of Johnlock, or rather Johnlockers?

Even though I’m relatively new to the fandom, I’ve noticed how dismissive people are of anything negative said about Sherlock. In the beginning, it was endearing, really; but now I see this pattern of constantly singing praises of Sherlock’s character, and it has lead me to realize how detrimental it can be to the relatively younger audiences. Sherlock is Rude, period. There’s no question about it. And this constant glorifying of his rudeness and arrogance and dismissing it as  a quirk could very well possibly give the impression that arrogance and vanity are in fact not so bad, and hell, it might make one seem a little cooler even ! Oh, don’t be mad if I act like my comfort character ! I’m quirky like that !

Constant bashing of the creators. And when I say constant, I mean it. This sort of bashing about is never-ending. And when I say this, I don’t mean that the creators were perfect; some of their mistakes were, quite frankly, blatantly ignorant ( like Irene the Canon Lesbian falling for Sherlock), but I don’t see enough people praising it for what it is. Even now there is so much slander against the creators ( and personally I feel bad for Mark Gatiss because he’s actually on twitter and is constantly spammed). Is it really a surprise that the creators hate the fans and especially the Johnlockers? Was it supposed to be so shocking when Martin said that being in the show wasn’t very fun anymore because of the fans?

We just don’t actually analyze anymore! I get that we haven’t got any new content for FOUR muheffing years but please I literally don’t see anything that’s actually interesting or analytical anymore and that kills me because that was the reason I joined this fandom- to read and comprehend the subtext, and the AMAZING META!  All I see are cute couple-ish pics of ben and Martin and tbh we can do so much better than that?!

Johnlockers have so much actual stuff to talk about? There is literally so much going on Subtextually, and yet all I see is people losing their mind over any interaction between Sherlock and John. This is so unfair! AND it’s detrimental too! With people painting every interaction as romantic in nature, the younger teenagers in this fandom who might not have experienced Love or Attraction may glean unrealistic ideas about them! It is difficult as it is to navigate oneself through romantic entanglements, let alone being fed such rose-colored ideas! And I say this because although I don’t know much about the audience on Tumblr, but Stan Twitter is like, (at least) 50 percent teenager-fuelled. It actually isn’t healthy for them at all.

Stop with the Benedict-worshipping for God’s sakes. Are you only in here because of him? We all get it, he’s absolutely stunning but come on, we’re here for the stories too right?

Romantic love is important, no doubt. But you know what’s completely overlooked? The platonic sort of love. And it’s tiring. Sherlock and Molly/Janine/Irene/John are all amazing duos and each pair has it’s own uniqueness and tang to it! Let’s not constantly dissect everything in the name of shipping, shall we?

lol looking back at it, I feel like it’s a vent rant for the prevailing circumstances on Stan Twitter. I apologize if anything I said hurt anyone, it wasn’t meant to. I completely understand that shipping people is for...recreation (?) but this was just my opinion. Let me know what you think about it!

[daemoninwhiteround2]

Does Zantana ever explain what happed in the magic mirror verse??? Or does only Jay know that he was erased? Is there any solution??

Now, Jason is the first person to admit that he's not the detective of the family, but he is able to put 'was hit with magic's together with 'family doesn't know me/appear to have been erased from history' and come up with 'it's probably the magic's fault'. Getting the Bats to call Zatanna is more difficult, but they give in easier when he's able to describe the fight they all just had nigh on perfectly. (Also lets him move 'teleported to a different dimension' much further down the probability list.)

Zatanna remembers him, which goes a long way to making the rest of the Bats relax. Bruce doesn't, of course--Jason can basically see his brain ticking over as he comes up with multiple reasons why this might have happened, Zatanna could be compromised, maybe it's not really Zatanna--but the others flip from being stand offish to curious. Zatanna grabs the stuff she needs to run some tests, hair, a bit of blood, that sort of thing, and retreats to the laboratory part of the Cave, leaving Jason at the questionable mercy of a group of notoriously paranoid individuals.

It's ... weird. Jason ... The last time Jason was the centre of everyone's focus like this was probably just after things were really popping off as Red Hood. But they're not ... They're all just curious. Damian offers to spar with him, and tuts irritability when Dick intervenes before Jason can accept. Cass gives him a once over--what she sees, Jason has no idea--smiles, pats him twice on the cheek and trots over to where Bruce hovers, clearly torn between which stranger-to-the-Cave he should be menacing. She pats Bruce twice on the cheek as well, and Jason does his best not to roll his eyes at how Bruce relaxes. Sure, his and Zatanna's word doesn't mean shit, but when Cass...

No, that's not fair to Cass. He's a stranger right now, and Zatanna is both magic and not tightly tied to the Bats, of course Bruce is edgy.

(And yeah, Bruce would also trust Cass over Jason even if he did remember Jason, but that's still on Bruce, not Cass.)

"So!" Dick chirps. "'Died on the job, got better'?"

Aww fuck, he really did lead with that, didn't he? "Uh, yeah, it was this whole..." he trails off, desperate to find some way to spin it, but, "thing," he finishes weakly.

Dick's eyes flick over his chest, his thighs, and Jason does his best not to bristle too obviously. They've gotten rid of his weapons, what more does he want?

"You a meta?"

"What? No, you know Bruce, he'd never let a meta be Robin."

"Uh-"

"Yeah yeah, I know about Duke, but that's now. He'd never let a meta be Robin back then."

It's not so much that Bruce has chilled in his old age as his orphan hording tendencies have gotten worse.

Dick scratches the back of his head and huffs a laugh. "Point."

There's a long beat of silence. Dick keeps on looking him over. Jason has no idea what he's trying to find.

Finally, Dick says, "So you were Robin after me?"

"Yup. You'd fucked off to the Titans like ... Six months beforehand, I wanna say? The Batmobile was parked in the Alley--it was, you know," he waves his hand in a circle, the way Dick grimaces lets him know that Dick knows why the Batmobile would be in Crime Alley, "anyway, I saw it there unguarded and thought, I could sell those tyres, so I-"

"You jacked the Batmobile?" Tim interrupts. He sounds utterly delighted. It's ... weird.

"Yeah. Well. Tried to. Batman came out of no where as I was working on the fourth. I hit him in the gut with my tyre iron and took off. He hunted me down, and to make a long story short, took me home."

It's so weird to tell them this story. Hell, Jason isn't sure he's ever told anyone this story. Superheroes just knew he was Robin, they either didn't need to know or didn't bother asking about the how and why. For obvious reasons, civilians couldn't be told that he met his new dad guardian while said guardian was dressed as a giant bat.

Jason's memory from that time isn't the best (getting hit in the head repeatedly by a crowbar and then blown up will give you traumatic brain injuries that affect your long term memory, who knew?) but he's relatively certain that he didn't tell Dick. He doesn't think he'd want to admit to it. That doesn't mean Dick didn't know, of course, but he didn't hear it from Jason. And, for even more obvious reasons, he never told any of the more recent additions.

Dick's head shoot up. His expression goes from realisation to mild apology as he says, "Oh, wait, is there someone we should call? Or, is there someone you want to call?"

Jason grunts, thinks. Zatanna remembers him, but the Bats don't. He and Zatanna don't exactly interact much, so it's a crap shot, but might as well try. "Yeah, thanks. Can I have my phone back?" He doesn't know if they'll remember him, but he doesn't want to leave them worried if they do.

Tim winces very slightly. "We, uh, while we were operating under the impression that you'd broken into the Cave, we might have taken apart your electronics so we could get at the tracker in them and disable it?"

Jason can feel the muscle above his eye spasm. "Of course." He turns to Dick. "Don't suppose I can borrow your phone?"

Dick hands over an unlocked burner phone without a word.

Jason takes a couple of paces back as he dials Roy's number from memory. Of all his outlaws, Roy's most likely to pick up.

"Yeah?" Roy answers. There's loud banging in the background, weird and echoy, and Bizarro's familiar voice.

"Hey, Roy, it's-"

"Jason! Holy shit, am I glad to hear from you!" Sounds go muffled and Jason can faintly hear Roy yelling, "it's Jason!" and the banging stops. His next words come through loud and clear. "You alright? The news showed you taking a blast to the gut."

Jason raises his eyebrows. "Really? Which channel?" If he can show the others a clip of them working together, a clip from an unbiased source, then maybe...

"Uh, can't remember--hey, Kori, what channel were we-"

He's cut off, sounds go distant again for a second, and then:

"Jason."

Pure warmth and gladness. No one says his name like Koriand'r does.

"Hey Kori. Sorry to worry you."

"We were not concerned until no one answered your phone."

"Sorry, yeah, magic did a number on the others, they don't remember me, and-"

Kori laughs. "I can guess what happened. We were on our way already, we will arrive in Gotham in three hours."

"Aww, Kori, no, you don't-"

"We do," she says simply, and really, that's that. Kori's an unstoppable force.

He cuts his losses. "Thanks, Kori. I'll see you soon."

"Goodbye Jason."

He hangs up and turns to face the Bats, who do their best to look like they haven't been listening in--hell, knowing Bruce, the cell was probably bugged.

"The Outlaws will be here in three hours."

"Good," Zatanna says before anyone else. She walks over and looks ... grim. Fuck. "We need to talk."

[mollydollyjournals]

Everything feels so quiet again. I hate this about being nocturnal. At least during the day more people are around and online and I might have a little interaction. I wonder if I'll ever get my body clock to function on a 24hr schedule. Even as a child and teenager I've always had sleeping problems though. My body clock has always fought against regular timing. I definitely find it easiest when I'm actually excited to get up for something in particular, but that's not all there is to it. Besides that feels like a tall ask right now.

I've been crying a lot recently. I dont usually cry that much at all but the past month maybe, in increasing frequency, and the majority of the past few days, I'm always on the verge of or in tears. I'm on so much prozac I can sometimes feel it pushing me to just smile through it and do something, but I think my mind wins over it when it sees that my 5 minutes of positivity didnt bring luck like everyone says it will. I'm tempted to lower my dose just so I can at least be consistently sad. Part of me hopes I'd get bad enough to SH and do more noticeable stuff so someone will realise how I feel, but part of me knows that's not how itll work and I'll just do those things and feel even worse because I'm still by myself. Most of me feels guilty because that's the dramatic stereotype and nobody likes an attention seeker, but most of me also knows it's not socially acceptable to directly ask for help and support. The times I've said a thing about how bad I feel, very obviously in need of support, i havent got it. So if i did something more, i still wouldnt get it, but I'd just be bothering people even more by letting them see. But then maybe I'd actually get the balls to just end it properly and get it over with. But I also know I'm not someone who'd do something so final without exhausting all options first, which means I'd also say that more directly, and then the same issue applies.

I'm so sick of feeling like this. I feel like such a waste of space and it's the same problem where I need x to do y but I need y to get z and I need z to get x. Whenever I try to force myself to break that cycle alone, I burn out. I feel worse for the fact that I'm doing it alone. I feel like theres no point in achieving any of it if I'm still alone. I did so much growing up by myself and doing way too much and all it got me was a bit more time alive so I could watch everyone else actually live and realise how cut off i was. Last time i had a major breakdown i came out of it over time but i felt worse afterwards than before because of the fact that I'd had to deal with it alone. I felt resentful of all the people who saw me say outright on my social media 'I feel really terrible and I need support/dont think I can deal with this alone/etc' and either said nothing or just briefly acknowledged it then continued on. I didnt really get over it, I just stopped in the same way a baby learns to stop crying eventually if nobody comes. So i came out of the breakdown with the resentful and anxious feeling that i cant really rely on anyone and am truly alone.

Now I'm so much more sensitive. Of course I'm more sensitive. I'm scared this is more permanent mental shit that I wont be able to get rid of. I cant stay like this forever. I never used to be this bad. But I had some outlets at least, and some hope that it might be different at some point. Now it feels like I'm just so worn out and I need to rest and be protected but the longer I go without it the more I need and the more impossible it gets and then I feel like theres no point in trying because theres no way to fix the cycle. Not without some anime-level miracle.

All I can do is drink and hope I get distracted by something else for a while. Hope I get chatty and confident enough to send the first messages and make the first posts, hope the audience happens to be responsive. Hope I come up with some kind of idea that'll keep me busy and entertained.

There was a day a few months ago where I drank a lot over the course of a day, and I started getting really bad palpitations where my heart was stopping for a few seconds at a time and restarting painfully. It especially stopped whenever I lay down and kept still, ie when I was trying to sleep. I thought I was probably going to die in the night so I wrote out a little note on my phone just in case. But I was kind of happy about it. For whatever reason, a few friends had been online and we'd all talked a lot, and I'd had things to do, and we talked about what we were doing throughout that day, and we all screwed around and shitposted, and it was just nice. It didnt feel so much like quarantine as just long distance friends and I felt like if that was gonna be my last day then so be it.

Of course, I didnt die. It turned out my meds needed adjusting so I did that and the palpitations lessened. I kind of wish I did just die. I guess it's morose. But it would have taken the guesswork and worrying out of all this. I'm just so tired. Its not that I dont want to get better and enjoy life. I just dont know if I can. I dont know if theres too much damage been done. I was already a difficult case before the pandemic but it's really fucked me over a lot and brought up a lot of old and new insecurities and I dont know if I'm really able to make the transition to something normal and okay.

My heart palpitations are bad again right now. Today it's because of restricting food. Theres some kind of weak heart trait in my family so I've always had the occasional palpitation, but they get bad sometimes. It's not painful right now, just weak. If I breathe too deeply it loses rhythm. I keep beginning to hyperventilate from anxiety and my heart gets irregular and weird. Of course as I say that I get some pain.

I dont feel like I can eat more though. I did have a meal for dinner. Low calorie, but a meal. So my calories for today weren't super low. One thing that's always consistent about my thing with food etc is the control element. That when everything is bad, I need something to go my way, and this is all I can do. I dont know.

Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow. Probably not. But I really want to. I really need to. It only takes small things, small distractions to keep me going. If I can just survive long enough to keep at some things to change my situation, maybe I can get out of this. But if I crack, I drink and binge and do other things that make me feel worse. I dont know. I'm trying to drag myself along but I guess it doesn't look like I'm doing anything at all.

[mistymark]

the one where you’re someone else. [donghyuck] [part 2]

lee donghyuck x reader // 1.4k words // highschool!au // body switch!au

summary; in which you wake up in someone else’s body. more than once.

warnings: swearing, confusion, terrible enemies to lovers trope

requested; nope

The room before you should make you feel fearful or, at the very least, a little anxious. Mostly because the room you wake up in isn’t your own.

Yet, you feel yourself smile slightly at the sight of it, carefully rubbing sleep out of your eyes as you sit up in the bed. The rooms walls are a grey colour that is neither too light nor too dark, giving the room a cosy vibe. There’s a string of fairy lights hanging across the far wall, and a dying potted plant on the desk.

The posters and photographs located around the room stand out the most. A lot of them have been up there since you were a kid, and you even spot a photo of your 8 year old self in a wonder woman costume, a boy of the same age standing next to you in a batman costume. The fact that you’re taller than him in this photo amuses you. The fact that Donghyuck still has the photo taped haphazardly to his wall surprises you.

You wonder why you’re at Donghyuck’s house, let alone in his bed, and exit his bedroom to find the kitchen. In the kitchen, however, you only find his mother, “Oh, good, you’re awake.”

You offer her a faint smile as you stand in the doorway, looking around the kitchen wearily. Youre about to open your mouth to ask where Donghyuck is when she says something else.

“Are you going to come have breakfast or are you just going to stand there?” She lets out a warm chuckle and continues buttering her toast.

“Oh, right, s-,” you stop midsentence, your eyes widening. Your voice. Am I sick or something?

“Well, I have to head off in five. Don’t forget to lock the house up before you leave and pick up some milk on the way home!” And she’s gone. And now you’re all alone in Donghyuck’s house, presumably. You hadn’t heard anyone else.

So, you prepare yourself some toast and find a jar of honey in the cupboard.

Realisation strikes when you walk past the microwave and - even though at first you thought it was Donghyuck standing behind you - you realise, somehow, you’re in Donghyuck’s body. What the fuck.

After running to the bathroom to look in the mirror and check that the microwave door wasn’t somehow lying to you about your appearance, and then looking for your phone and only finding Donghyuck’s, you decide you need to get to school because, holy shit, how did this even happen? And holy shit, where is Donghyuck? Holy shit, is he you in the same way that you’re him?

You don’t know how Donghyuck normally gets to school, whether he drives or takes the bus or carpools, so you go on a whim and catch the earliest bus possible. Youd tried to dress yourself in clothes Donghyuck normally wears - though attempting to find clean clothes in that boys room had proven to be a difficult task. You eventually went with a pair of black jeans and a striped tee, throwing the hoodie you always see him wearing into your - his - backpack.

There’s no one from your school on the bus with you, which proves to be a relief as you had no idea how you were going to interact with them without first talking to Donghyuck. The horrible thought that you might not even see him, or yourself, at school today passes through your mind, but you dismiss it quickly, hoping that somehow, he shows up.

“What are you doing to Y/n’s locker?” Yeji asks, once she sees you - Donghyuck - trying to open your locker.

The question confuses you for a second, before you turn to her, an attempt at an innocent look on your face, “N-nothing?”

Her eyes narrow, “The last time you said that, I had shaving cream leaking into my locker so-“

“No! No, nothing like that. I...uh, I took her schedule yesterday so I’m just returning it.”

She doesn’t look at you as she closes her locker door, “Right. Well, that’s nice of you, I guess.”

You don’t respond, now staring into your locker until she leaves. She walks behind you, but turns on her heel to ask you a final question, “How do you even know her locker combination?”

The question throws you off guard, and you stammer out a response, “I-I see her do it all the time?” It comes out more of a question than an answer.

When she leaves, heading to a choir rehearsal, you stash Donghyuck’s backpack and books in your locker. The phone in your pocket beeps, and you quickly pull it out to read the message from Renjun, “drive me to school?”

“can’t. already here. have to meet y/n.” Short and to the point. Is that how he normally texts?

“lol wtf,” is the response you get, so you assume he didn’t notice anything was up.

You wait for the remaining half hour until home room, but you haven’t seen any sign of the real Donghyuck, or any sign of other people acting weird. Groups of students walk in as normal, you see your own friends and almost run up to them as you normally would, then decide against it considering you don’t look like yourself.

Trouble comes in the form of Jaemin and Jeno, who clap you on the back in greeting, and you almost trip. “Hey, man,” Jeno says.

“Oh! Hey, guys,” you offer them a smile.

“Have you seen Renjun?” Jaemin asks, standing on his tippy toes to search the sea of students. You don’t know why he does it - he’s already taller than most of them anyway. “We’re supposed to go over our presentation for Lit.”

“I think he’s still on his way. I couldn’t give him a ride this morning.” You hope Donghyuck normally gives Renjun a ride.

“Oh?” Jenos eyebrows knit together and he cocks his head as he says it, and you can’t help thinking how cute he looks. “Why not?”

“I need to see Y/n.”

Jaemin rolls his eyes, “You always ‘need’ to see Y/n.”

“Shut up - this is serious.” At that moment, he must see Renjun because he slaps you and Jeno on the shoulder and then attempts to squeeze between you two, yelling the older boys name.

Jeno watches him go, before his attention goes back to you. “Are you okay, dude? Something seems off.”

“Huh? No, I’m fine. Just annoyed because Y/n’s late.” It feels weird to refer to yourself in the third person.

His gaze lingers on you momentarily, but then he shoulders his bag and lightly bumps you in the direction of his own locker, “She must be sick. You know Y/n, shes never late.”

Sick. Maybe you were sick. You definitely weren’t well.

Jeno talks about his chemistry assignment, and fills you in on his evening, while you feign interest and keep an eye on the front doors.

By your first class you’re beginning to give up hope, so you sit in History, focusing on the teacher’s slides and writing out notes, trying to stop your mind from wandering to thoughts of Donghyuck.

None of Donghyuck’s friends are in this class, so thankfully you’re given a slight break of pretending to be friends with them while you work.

“Sorry I’m late-,” your eyes instantly snap up to the sound of the voice. Your voice. “I had an appointment.” You watch as you walk into the classroom and hand the note over to the teacher, who takes it and turns back to the board, before quickly looking back at you. The feeling is surreal, watching yourself walk around and talk as if it isn’t you. Almost like a dream.

Although, in a dream, at least, you’d be better dressed. You were wearing a pair of wide-legged old jeans and one of your dad’s hoodies, which you usually only wear around the house. You stare at yourself wide-eyed. None of your usual light makeup, and it looked like you hadn’t brushed your hair.

Your eyes are lowered to the floor, but you slide into the seat next to you. “Y/n?” Your body whispers.

You freeze, your gaze not leaving your notebook, “D-donghyuck?”

He - you? -  lets out a breath, “Yes.”

There’s silence for a moment, and he begins taking notes. Eventually, you can’t take it any more.

“What the fuck are you wearing?”