#I just need to start getting help with the struggles part

[pearlymel]

reader touching herself while thinking about sunday? u decide what happens after

Summary: What happens when your boyfriend catches you having a little bit of fun without him? One, he'll teach you how to do it properly, and two, you'll reward him in return.

Warnings: NSFW, smut, afab! reader, early-relationship, fingering, slight nipple play, ōral (m! receiving), cūm swallowing.

Notes: wrote this with one hand btw

Dinner. Wine. Slow music.

It was the perfect date after you both have recently agreed to get together, who could ever resist someone as charming as him? The ever gentleman man, always taking his time with you, and his hand placements whenever he holds you or kisses you? The absolute cherry on top.

What about his scent? Aeons, his scent was stuck on your head the entire night ever since he embraced you, the way his wings would flutter everytime you got too close, especially when you whisper sweet nothings into his ear and how his ears would visibly get red.

The mental image of his flustered like that doesn't even make you realise that it got you slipping your panties off, your fingers messily toying with your clit in fast circles, a whine eliciting straight from your throat and onto the pillow when you inch one finger inside, but it's not enough—you need more, you need more of his scent, more of the way his gloved fingers trailed smoothly up your skin.

"Oh, fuck..." Your body shudders at the sinful thought, your lips quivering, you don't know if you want to stop or to keep going, was it bad that you want to sit on his pretty face now?

You thought he would take his time in the bathroom. Poor you, you couldn't even wait until he finished, he just had to come back and witness you in this pathetic state.

Sunday gripped the doorframe tightly, his nails digging into the wood as his eyes were glued to your fingers, to the way your chest rose and fell. He couldn't help but feel the heat pooling in his groin, the sight of you struggling to reach orgasm has him dizzy.

The minute you feel a set of arms envelope around you, you gasp and freeze, you were so caught red handed that it was embarrassing.

“I'm sor—” but he doesn't let you finish before he's shushing you, your back pressed against his chest, one hand around your breast and the other caressing your thigh up smoothly until he was able to hike your dress higher to expose more of you, more of what he's missing out.

“couldn’t wait till i was finished?” he whispered, clicking his tongue before taking your thigh and prying your legs open, “spread them apart for me.” Your legs are immediately open for him, his voice angelic, a contrast to the way he pulls his glove off his hand using his teeth, leaving it discarded on the bed.

Your lips parted when his fingers start to slowly gather your slick, trailing over your folds, feeling your slit, teasing and playing with you before slipping one finger inside.

He groans at the wetness that greeted him, his finger thrusting in and out of you, slowly at first, taking his time finding a pace while his other hand rolled your hardened nipple that peeked out of your dress, pinching it then soothing it with a gentle roll with his thumb, the stimulation only making your body arch against him as you try rocking your hips to match his measured pace.

You squirm when he abruptly adds another finger, filling you, stretching you, and you whine out in pleasure when Sunday curled his fingers, pressing against your spongy spot repeatedly, his thumb soon joins in and rubs your clit in circular motions.

It's like his fingers were making out with your pussy.

The room was soon filled with the sound of your ragged breaths, your moans, the loud squelches and wet slap of his fingers altogether. He could feel your cunt clenching down around him, the signs of your impending orgasm.

When his fingers starts ramming inside you to help you reach your release, you cry out with your head thrown back against his shoulder, which makes his free hand leave your nipple to wrap it gently around your neck, keeping you in place.

He could see you bite your lip, your eyes clenched shut, your body writhing beneath him. “You deserve to cum, angel. It's been a long day.” Sunday murmurs next to your neck, and another press on your swollen nub is what makes you whimper loudly, eyes rolling back as you grab onto him.

He smiles when he sees the haze in your eyes, your body relaxing in his arms after being satisfied from the release you've been aching to have.

When you slowly come back to your senses, and now you are suddenly all too aware of how hard he was the whole time, and you could feel it rubbing right below your ass.

“Sunday—”

“do you need to rest now?”

“No.” as you clear your throat, you turn around and are met with his captivating gaze. Your hand instinctively reaches closer, drawn to his wings. Slowly, your fingers brush against the feathers, and his wings immediately flutter in response, there's the response you will always be excited to see.

With tenderness, your lips press a gentle kiss against the feathers, and you feel the slight shudder that runs through him, your other hand meanwhile runs down to unzip his pants swiftly, to free his cock out of the tight confinements.

“You don’t have to—” and you're the one shushing him this time by pressing your lips against his for a chaste kiss.

“I want to please you.” You tell him in a low tone, another peck making it's way to his lips once again, “please?”

The minute he nods, you press his chest back down and he leans back on his elbows before you inch your face lower to lift his shirt slightly just enough to reveal his v-line, just for you to teasingly pepper his skin with soft kisses only for him to make his wings flutter in response.

Your hands work on taking his pants off, and he lifts his hips to help you slide them off with ease. Sunday's eyes never left yours, even when you were eye-level with his throbbing cock, the head already flushed and glistening with pre-cum.

his hand wraps around the base of his shaft, guiding it towards your awaiting lips, “open,” he commands gently, and he lets out a hiss when you start by flattening your tongue at the tip, licking the salty pre-cum off before wrapping your lips around him, the sensation only made his coke twitch in anticipation, his hips instinctively rocking forward.

Your mouth was warm, soft, heavenly.

“H-hah, don't tease me,” Sunday’s lips parted at the feeling of your tongue repeatedly circling around his tip then massaging at the pulsing vein on the underside of his cock. 

You then start bobbing your head up and down, making him whimper above you as he shuts his eyes tightly.

It was a mistake to even re open his eyes, his eyes locked on your mouth, your cheeks hollowing out as sucked like it was the sweetest treat ever. He could feel the tension building in his body, his orgasm near, and he reached down, his fingers tangling in your hair.

Your throat constricted around his cock, and he tries keeping his moans low every time you start gagging and choking.

“W-waitwait—” Sunday was gone the minute your hands started fondling with his balls, and he thrusts abruptly into your mouth until warm, white ropes of cum erupted from the tip of his cock, harsh gasps leaving his throat, followed by his trembling wings as his hips continued thrusting sloppily until you pulled out after swallowing every drop. His tip glistening with the residue of your saliva, and your lips with his seed.

You both are now shyly looking away from eachother, soft breaths and silence coming from both of you.

You're the first one to move, wrapping your arms around his waist and collapsing right on top of him. Sunday welcomes you in, his own arms finding their way around you before kissing the top of your head.

"I want to sit on your face next time." You murmur your fantasy to him out loud, and his eyes widened before his wings made the move to cover his flushed face, making you laugh at his adorableness.

[alpaca-clouds]

Solarpunk Game Ideas: CRPGs

Here I go on with my ideas for Indie Solarpunk games, that are not some sort of building sim or farming sim - and of course I cannot do this without mentioning CRPGs.

Mind you, despite what you might think given that over the course of the last year I have barely played anything but a certain CRPG (BG3), CRPGs are actually not really a genre of game I am super into, even though some of my favorite games are CRPGs. But as a genre in general I usually like faster paced games a lot more. It is just that when I hyperfocus on something that usually is a result of me getting obsessed with a character from it - and that is more likely to happen with a CRPG than with a metroidvania.

But how to do a Solarpunk CRPG?

The Issue:

Look, there really are not any CRPGs right now that are in any way Solarpunk. And I would argue this goes again back to the issue that people struggle with telling stories within a Solarpunk setting, as they are too set in the idea that a) Solarpunk needs to be an utopian setting (or a setting that pretends to be utopian) and b) that utopian settings will not allow for any conflict whatsoever. Additionally there is of course also the issue that most CRPGs do involve violence in form of fighting, which is what a lot of people struggle with - even though some amazing indie games like Disco Elysium have shown very well, that you can do a CRPG without a combat system.

So, let's go over some ideas for Solarpunk CRPGs.

Idea #1: Off-Brand Princess Mononoke

If you follow me for any time, you might know that to me there is no movie or piece of media that is more Solarpunk than Princess Mononoke. And thankfully we can easily build a sort of CRPG around it, either with a similar historical setting or just a fullon fantasy setting. Because remember: Solarpunk does not need to be Science Fiction!

No matter whether you go with a historical setting or just a full-on fantasy setting, the idea is fairly easy: The player character has a magical problem and they need the help of some sort of spirits. As they travel to the place of the spirit, they find out that the spirits are in a war with some group of humans, that are encroaching of the home of the spirits, because they try to access some sort of ressources, driving the spirits nearly to extinction. The player would have the choice in the end which side to join - or whether they will try to broker peace between spirits and humans.

Bonus: You'd have several choices how to play the game - but it is not a clear cut "good" and "evil", especially when the humans might have good reasons to need the ressource.

Idea #2: A SciFi Conspiracy

This idea is very much for a somewhat shorter game. Think a bit more like "Shadowrun Returns". Something that has more like 15 to 20 minutes of a runtime.

We go with the idea I brought up in one of the other ideas before: We have a Solarpunk world, that runs on mainly anarchist principles, and there are some arguments going about over some of the security mechanisms. (Anarchy can after all not properly work, if some people have weapons and others don't have - but you cannot undo the existence of weapons.) Our main character is part of some security force, that mostly are just trained to deescalate situations, but are in some cases allowed to use force.

And when a group of pro-capitalists or maybe even actual fascists start a conspiracy to take over the government, and they already have some co-conspirators in all positions. And the main characters need to navigate this with a mixture of diplomacy and violence, with the player getting a fairly good influence on how this plays out.

Idea #3: A Natural Disaster

Let me take one approach, that is inspired by one of the most Solarpunk movies, that is not by Ghibli: Misaki no Mayogai. That movie takes place after the Tohoku earthquake and is very much about mutual aid in the community.

And here is the thing: No, CRPGs do not need to have combat. So this is an idea for a CRPG without combat. We have a natural disaster of some sort. Honestly it does not matter. An earthquake, a flood, a vulcano... Can be anything. It just did destroy a lot of stuff in a big area. And the game is very much about rebuilding after this disaster, about people helping each other through mutual aid, and then building something better from it. It could feature a society going full Solarpunk if you want to (like a positive post-apocalypse) or just something getting a bit better. Build back better and such.

And if you are interested in creative Solarpunk endeavors, I would love to invite you into the Solarpunk Creatives community! :)

[thatsmzbitchtoyou]

Sweet Pumpkin Chapter 5

Summary:  Bucky is struggling with the dating world and knows that if he ever hopes to have a serious relationship, that he needs to get through his touch deprivation issues.  It’s not that he doesn’t want to touch people, or them to touch him, but after decades of pain he doesn’t know how to accept physical intimacy from others, or how to give it himself.  He hires Y/N, an intimacy coach and professional cuddler, who comes highly recommended.  Will his heart be able to distinguish between a service given versus real love?

Warnings: mentions of past violence and past sexual assault, language, physical intimacy, eventual smut

**curvy reader

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Their relationship very quickly progressed after that.  Neither of them saw any point in waiting any longer when they both felt good about themselves and where the relationship was taking them together.  Bucky moved into her apartment, not bringing much of anything with him since he loved her stuff so much.  He only went on missions every once in a while, and only ones that were more stealth or surveillance.  He was tired, both physically and mentally, and ready for a slower, cozier life to settle into.

The hardest part was getting over the fact that she had other clients that she was helping and close with.  He met most of them in passing as they came in for appointments and he would disappear into the back rooms to let her work.  The jealousy of knowing that she was physically close with others like she’d been with him was hard to stomach, but his rational brain knew better than to fixate on the idea.  That was until she shut the door hard after a fairly new client he hadn’t met one day.  

Bucky opened the bedroom door and walked through the hallway to the main living room, finding Y/N hugging herself and leaning against the front door looking unhappy.  “Pumpkin?” he said, walking up to her.  “What’s wrong?”

Y/N shook her head and then rubbed her face harshly.  “I think I’m going to have to fire my newest client,” she said tiredly.

“Why?” Bucky asked, reaching up and grasping her hands.

Y/N looked up at him worriedly.  “Because he keeps pushing the contract boundaries.”

Bucky immediately became enraged.  He had to sign a contract when he first started working with her, and the rules and boundaries were extremely clear.  Y/N was a consummate professional, never pushing the boundaries beyond what was specifically listed within the contract.  She was friendly with her clients, as she had been with Bucky, but the second he had expressed feelings toward her she had ended their working relationship, she just so happened to reciprocate his feelings.  “Who is he?  What did he do?” he asked, trying to keep the anger and bitterness in his tone at bay.

Y/N sighed, and he could see she was upset but trying to keep her emotions under control.  “Helmut Zemo.  Retired Sokovian special ops.  He’s been very pushy about getting straight to the cuddling part, and just…” she swallowed harshly.  “He keeps giving me lingering touches on intimate parts of my body.”

Bucky inhaled deeply, his hands almost shaking as they held hers.  “Where?” he whispered, looking her over.

“My face,” she blinked rapidly to keep her oncoming tears back, her voice starting to wobble.  “My lower back, close to my butt.  And…” she paused, her lips trembling as she shut her eyes tight.  “He touched my breast.  He tried to play it off as an accident but…he squeezed it,” she released Bucky’s hands and hugged herself around her chest again.  

Bucky’s jaw clenched, his frown making his brow hurt from how tense he was.  He lifted his hands and cupped Y/N’s face, making her look at him.  Her tears started to fall and he quickly swept them away with his fingers.  “You’re going to call him,” he said, keeping his voice even and quiet, “and tell him that you’re voiding his contract for inappropriate behavior and touching.  If he decides to be an ass about it, I’ll take care of it.”

“Buck, you don’t have to–”

“Believe me, pumpkin,” he leaned down and kissed her nose.  “I’d love to.”

Y/N called the client a few minutes later, gripping Bucky’s hand tightly.  “Hey beautiful,” his voice rang out through the speakerphone.  

“You can’t call me that, Zemo,” she said simply.  “I’m just calling to inform you that our contract is officially void as of this moment, and I won’t be taking you as a client anymore.”

“Excuse me?” Zemo asked, his European accented voice angry.  

“Our sessions are canceled.  I will not be working with you,” Y/N said firmly.  

“And why may I ask?” Zemo sneered.

“For inappropriate behavior and touching,” she explained.  “Goodbye.”

“Y/N–” 

She hung up the phone and blocked his number, sighing heavily.  Bucky hugged her tightly.  “Good job, pumpkin.  I’m proud of you.  If he ever even looks your way again, you tell me and I’ll handle it.”

Y/N snorted.  “My big bad super soldier boyfriend is gonna come to the rescue?”

“Always,” Bucky said, kissing the top of her head.

@mishkatelwarriorgoddess @cjand10 @railmesebstan @danzer8705

[yanderes-galore]

Could you write the Yandere Alphabet for Louis (Beastars)?

Sure! Only seen the Anime to bear with me here ^^;

Yandere Alphabet - Louis

Pairing: Romantic

Possible Trigger Warnings: Gender-Neutral Darling, Obsession, Manipulation, Unhealthy coping mechanisms, Possessive behavior, Trauma, Clingy behavior, Blood, Murder, Violence, Overprotective behavior, Kidnapping, Forced relationship.

Affection: How do they show their love and affection? How intense would it get?

Louis would feel very... complicated towards his obsession. He's arrogant and has a ton of self-loathing due to his past. As a result, he tends to hate relying on other animals.

So, when it comes to you, Louis isn't sure what to think.

Louis is shown to be kind and caring to those he likes, even if he struggles with relationships. With his obsession he'd definitely be as respectful as he can. He no doubt thinks he shouldn't pursue you...

Yet as all obsessions go... You stay in his mind and it makes him conflicted.

Louis would start by being distant, although his affection later on would be close. You'd probably be like an unhealthy coping mechanism for Louis, making him stick around you.

In terms of how intense? He may not seem like it... but I can see him as pretty intense, especially as the leader of the Shishigumi.

Blood: How messy are they willing to get when it comes to their darling?

Considering how he hates to show weakness, I can see Louis getting his hands dirty due to his obsession. He's used to guns and has killed before due to being in the Shishigumi. If someone pushed him into a vulnerable state, threatened you or tried to take you from him...

He may be unstable enough to pull the trigger for his own selfish benefit... under the guise of protecting you.

Afterwards... He can't help but notice it makes him feel stronger.

Cruelty: How would they treat their darling once abducted? Would they mock them?

I feel his behavior depends on if you're an herbivore or carnivore. If you're a carnivore, he would mock you at times yet still cares about you enough to meet your every need. If you're an herbivore, he forgoes mocking entirely.

I feel Louis would have a higher chance of kidnapping if he was part of the Shishigumi. He has lions under his control and can simply order that you're looked after. He'd make sure you get the food you want and have a comfortable place to stay.

He doesn't care how comfortable he is... He wants you well cared for, even if he tries to be stoic. Having you safe beside him soothes him.

Even if you panic, cry, scream... He couldn't let you go if he tried.

Darling: Aside from abduction, would they do anything against their darling’s will?

I feel Louis could go either way. I imagine he doesn't want to stress you or make you hate him on purpose. Yet at the same time... He's assertive and can't seem to be away from you for long.

He's only vulnerable with you, while he hates being vulnerable at all, he knows he loves you too much to push you away fully.

I imagine there's things he'll force, like who you can speak to or where you should stay. However, if he deems it safe, Louis would give you freedoms. Monitored, of course.

He doesn't like the idea of keeping you fully as a prisoner too much unless you try to leave him.

Too close to home.

Exposed: How much of their heart do they bare to their darling? How vulnerable are they when it comes to their darling?

At first, barely any at all. He hates being weak. Even more so when he resents his obsession for making him... obsessed and reliant.

However, eventually Louis will end up being... very vulnerable with you in private. Privacy with you allows Louis to cope. In fact, he realizes you're better than any drug he can take.

He likes to lay against you, bury himself in your scent, and just sit there. He wants you to hold him. He wants your attention on him, all to himself, for as long as possible.

While he's stoic and hostile in public. Even intimidating and protective around you. In private...

In private he'd kill just to have you look at him with affection... not fear, pity, or rage.

Fight: How would they feel if their darling fought back?

Irritated. You fighting him and his feelings makes his insecurities flare. You fighting him stresses him... and he'll do anything to make you stop.

Be that bribes, threats, restraints, or pressuring you... He wants you to listen to him. He knows he shouldn't force your affections, that it isn't healthy.

Yet Louis is impatient... and full of fear for what could happen when he loses you...

He understands why you're upset with him, after all he's done...

He just hopes you'll understand why he has to be so forceful at some point.

Game: Is this a game to them? How much would they enjoy watching their darling try to escape?

Not really and he'd hate you trying to escape.

Hell: What would be their darling’s worst experience with them?

When it comes to Louis and his character... I can think of a few things.

Such as, seeing him shoot someone in front of you for one reason or another. Another could be having the Shishigumi kidnapping you for him. That or even the isolation he forces you into just to soothe his own trauma... not daring to ask anyone else for help.

One way or another, you will see the top student deer covered in blood most likely not his own... all while he takes you away from the society you once thought you knew...

Just so he can drown out his insecurities in you...

Just so he can "love" you.

Ideals: What kind of future do they have in mind for/with their darling?

Hard to say for him considering he still has an arranged marriage technically. However, with how you make him feel by the peak of his obsession, Louis would rather have you as his spouse. You just seem to... take his stress away.

He's reliant on you, even if he never wanted to be.

You are his stress relief, his guilty pleasure, one way or another he'll find a way to make you his...

That's the only future he wants.

Jealousy: Do they get jealous? Do they lash out or find a way to cope?

Louis does get jealous, yes. He's jealous of the power carnivores have and jealous that Legoshi treats Haru so much better than he could. So... when he sees you off with someone else? Smiling, laughing, happy...

He may just lash out.

He wants that attention, that look you give...

He wants you... needs you...

Hopefully he'll have you soon.

Kisses: How do they act around or with their darling?

He's obsessive, clingy in private, possessive yet tries to pass it off as protective... Louis needs you like he needs air to breathe.

When he first met you, he never wanted to admit it, but his addiction to you and your soothing scent...

He's desperate and he hates it.

When he takes you into the Shishigumi, he's vulnerable in private... yet in front of his lions he tries to be as possessive as a carnivore.

Louis is an herbivore who will try to be as intimidating as a carnivore... but in private with you?

He's still the vulnerable deer he hates to be... holding you in his arms even if you hate to be there.

Love letters: How would they go about courting or approaching their darling?

I would think you both meet at Cherryton. Originally you don't associate much because he's the popular student at school. Yet eventually, fate brings you together, be that due to Tem's murder, drama club, or helping him in some other way.

If you're a carnivore, Louis originally looks at you with disdain. If you're an herbivore, he still tries to be distant, yet appreciates your presence. Louis doesn't like to rely on others, as said before.

However, when he tries to push you out of his mind, the thought of you doesn't leave.

This would make Louis hate his obsession for being so distracting. You make him feel weak and vulnerable... so he blames you. You don't deserve suffering for his feelings... yet it doesn't stop there.

After that he soon begins to realize he needs you. Even more so when he's with the Shishigumi for months. He hates to ask for help...

But you mean a lot to him.

Maybe you showed you cared for him but he always took it for granted or pushed you away? Maybe he realizes he shouldn't have been so harsh on you? Either way... Louis realizes he needs you.

You make his pain go away...

Which leads into him falling into his obsession, once again making you suffer due to his unchecked emotions.

Mask: Are their true colors drastically different from the way they act around everyone else?

In public, he tries to act the same with everyone. In private, he's vulnerable with you because he trusts you as his coping mechanism... his beloved whom he wants to rely on...

His.

Naughty: How would they punish their darling?

I imagine isolation or something psychological. Something that forces you to need him as much as he needs you. I can't see him physically harming his obsession normally.

There's no need for that in his eyes.

Oppression: How many rights would they take away from their darling?

He wants you to have your freedoms, but isn't afraid to... "limit your options" by keeping you isolated within the Shishigumi.

Patience: How patient are they with their darling?

Louis is mostly patient... but if you push his buttons in a certain way, like threaten him or try to leave...

That quickly drains his patience.

Quit: If their darling dies, leaves, or successfully escapes, would they ever be able to move on?

I... imagine not. He knows he should move on, he has to move on... but he was so reliant... so attached....

He probably will eventually... yet the thought of you weighs pretty heavily on him.

You never leave his mind... and he's never the same.

Regret: Would they ever feel guilty about abducting their darling? Would they ever let their darling go?

A little but he most likely won't let you go. He knows he should... but he can't.

Stigma: What brought about this side of them (childhood, curiosity, etc)?

Most likely trauma... unfortunately. He's lived without genuine love for most of his life. Now he's going to crave it once he feels it.

Tears: How do they feel about seeing their darling scream, cry, and/or isolate themselves?

A small part of him feels guilty he's using you... all while he attempts to console you. Another part of him is frustrated you keep doing this and won't accept him. He needs to either be patient or let you go...

Both options are hard...

But he knows deep down he isn't ever going to let you go on his own.

Unique: Would they do anything different from the classic yandere?

SKIPPED.

Vice: What weakness can their darling exploit in order to escape?

Good behavior I assume, reciprocating his affections and soothing him. Maybe trying to convince him to do the right thing and let you go if he truly loves you... That you'll come back to see him soon.... The issue is, if you try to trick him, he does have help and most likely will catch you.

However... play your cards right... and you may be able to taste a little bit of freedom for a while... until he finds you.

Wit’s end: Would they ever hurt their darling?

Not intentionally.

Xoanon: How much would they revere or worship their darling? To what length would they go to win their darling over?

Not a worship yandere... entirely. Yet he'd go to great lengths to keep you by his side. He needs you... and he's determined to have you need him too.

Yearn: How long do they pine after their darling before they snap?

I imagine it would be after a few months, maybe almost a year, before he finally gives up and realizes he needs you.

Zenith: Would they ever break their darling?

Unintentionally.

[hahaifolded]

Can We Make This Work? (6)

Nanami Kento x POC!Fem Reader x Gojo Satoru (Masterlist) Chapter 6: Teacher and Student (Previous) (Next) Summary: Gojo pisses you off. You decide to help a student with his homework. Warnings: Off-handed comment, POLL AT THE END!

The brisk morning air felt nicer today. It was probably because you no longer held the weight of a failing marriage on you. Instead, just a failed one. But, it looked like you’ll be able to save one person of this cursed union as you might be able to free your husband of it and enter in a better… another marriage. 

Wanting to give your husband some of his freedom back, you decided to take an early mission today in the outskirts of the city. Which explains why you found yourself wandering through an empty warehouse so early this morning. That’s one way to start the day. 

The information seems to be right, you thought. The energy in the place signaled the presence of a first-grade curse. You spat out one of your own, a weird long-snout creature that you had picked up in Mexico, to locate the thing. Within a matter of seconds, your special-grade found the first-grade curse and held it down. The first-grade curse reeked of sorrow and rage. Your curse kept attacking the sad curse until the thing could no longer walk. It laid on the floor, crying and struggling in agony.

You crouched down to look at the curse. It’s weak enough, you observed. You placed a hand on it and began to caress it. You hated how your cursed technique worked. In order to absorb a curse, you first had to weaken it and then understand the root cause that caused its creation. Sometimes you’re able to understand what caused the curse, and other times, you couldn't. This one was easy to pinpoint as you could tell it was the product of the poor working conditions that this place used to uphold. 

Now your least favorite part. You brought the withering thing up to your face. 1 - 2 - 3, gulp. You gagged. Not the worse, but not great either. Taking in a deep breath, you sighed, realizing that you still had your special-grade out. To your annoyance, the thing wagged its tail, almost as if it was taunting you. Let’s get this over with. You shrunk and swallowed the thing.

After dry heaving, you felt a strong presence behind you. You whipped around and got into a fighting stance. Fuck. This wasn't good. The one downside of your technique was that after swallowing a curse, you're energy-less for roughly 5 minutes, leaving you completely vulnerable to any sudden attacks. Usually it’s never an issue as you always wait to swallow a curse until you’re done. But you were so caught up in your thoughts this morning, you missed this sudden burst of energy. You stood straight, arms out, ready to survive for the next few minutes. However, as soon as it appeared, it disappeared, leaving you dumbfounded. But as soon as you relaxed, you felt it again, much stronger now, right behind you.

Two hands landed on your shoulders. “Boo!” a voice yelled. You swung behind you, but instead of making contact with whatever was behind you, your fist stopped midair. You refocused your gaze and realized what who loomed behind you.

“Gojo?” you asked in a surprised tone. You didn’t expect to run into your husband’s “friend” out here. From what you recalled, you were the only sorcerer assigned on his mission. "What are you doing here?"

Gojo smiles and takes a good look at you. You couldn't see his eyes, but you didn't like the way his head scanned you up and down. "Just wanted to check up on our newest toy. Make sure it wasn't defective, but just my luck, you're better than I expected," he praises. Or at least, what he thought was praise.

He notices the way your body tenses up and your stare goes cold. Gojo wasn't stupid. He knew you were upset, but he really had no idea why.

Toy? It? You couldn't believe the gall on this man. You were a living, breathing human being, not some object that needs to be tested.

You got in his face. “You might think you're something just because the society here told you, but you're just like the rest of us...a fuckng pawn." You hiss out that last word. You weren't scared of him. Powerful or not, he was just a man at the end of the day. "So you better watch who you call a toy." You stare straight at his blindfold.

Gojo was speechless. He didn't know how to respond. He didn't mean to offend you. He was trying to be cheeky. This completely dampened his plans of befriending you. "Wait, no, I didn't-- I think this was a misunder--"

"Don't care. Whine to someone who will," you snap, turning your back on him. He can kill me if he wants. At this point, it'll be a favor.

You leave the warehouse angry by the interaction while Gojo stands there feeling guilty.

-- -- --

After a quiet morning, Nanami went on with his day, feeling like something was missing. He assumed it was because he had a hard time falling asleep. It's not everyday you talk about aiding in finding another husband for your wife. Feeling restless, he decided to eat his lunch outside, hoping the sun would calm his nerves.

And it seems like he wasn't the only one who thought that as he found you sitting in the courtyard.

"(Y/N), how are you?" he asked as he approached you. You titled your heads towards him, but made no effort to greet him. That's odd. "Everything okay?"

You let out a deep breath. "Yes, sorry. Hi Nanami." Nanami tried to dwell too much on the fact that you called him by his name instead of your preferred nickname for him, husband. "Sorry, just not feeling well."

"Oh, have you eaten lunch yet?" he asked, taking a seat right next to you.

"Can't." Why? Nanami stares at you, waiting for a further explanation.

You groan. "Had a mission this morning. And every time I absorb a curse, it just messes up my stomach. So I'm really not in the mood to eat right now." You deflate in your seat.

Oh. Now that he looked back on it, that explained why you would sometimes cook dinner, but not eat any of it. He felt bad for not asking you about it earlier.

Trying to ease his guilt, he changed the subject. "Well, how did your mission go then?"

"Fine. First-grade curse, nothing too difficult," you said mindlessly. Suddenly, you scowled as you further recalled your mission. "Ran into your friend actually," you grumbled out.

"Friend?"

"Gojo," you gagged as you said his name. Just by saying his name, Nanami felt a headache coming on. He asks what happened and you tell him. After recounting your story, Nanami lets out a deep breath.

"He means well but has a funny way of showing it," he reasoned. You scoff, clearly not content with that. Wait, Gojo might actually be useful here? "You know, Gojo is single and comes from a good family. Maybe--"

"Pass." Got it. Before Nanami can say anything else, he hears someone calling his name.

"Nanamin!"

-- -- --

You look over to see one of the first-years running towards your husband Nanami. Itadori?

"Itadori," Nailed it. "How's the project going?" The smile on his face disappears.

"Not great. Everyone keeps rejecting me," he admits, scratching the back of his head. You furrow eyebrows, confused by the conversation. Thankfully, Nanami notices.

"Itadori, (Y/N), my... my wife. (Y/N), Itadori, one of the first-years here. He has to interview a sorcerer for a school project." Itadori quickly waves at you, wide smile back on his face. You wave back. You ask why Nanami hasn't helped.

Yuji jumps in. "Gojo said that I have to expand my horizons and ask other sorcerers for help besides your husband." You notice Nanami still at that. Fuck, I have to find a new husband... fast.

"Any sorcerer?" Yuji nods. Not seeing the big deal, you offer to help.

You didn't think the boy could smile any brighter. "Really? You're a literally a life-saver. I don't think I could have taken another no."

He seems like a nice kid and it's not that hard to answer a couple of questions. "Am I missing something here? How come everyone said no?" Nanami and Yuji both look at you in disbelief. Itadori breaks the silence with a laugh. You stare at him until he realized you weren't joking.

"Cause you know?" You tilt your head. Yuji looks at Nanami for support. He looks back at you and continues, "Cause of Sukuna."

"What's that?" Both of their jaws dropped.

Nanami starts. "What do you mean 'what's Sukuna'?" Yuji starts to stutter.

What's their deal? "Yeah, what's that? Is it some disease or something?" Suddenly a deep voice came out of nowhere.

"The only disease here is this that you call humanity," it hisses. You feel an increase in energy from the boy. You take a good look at him and notice the second mouth that sprouted on his face. Was that always there?

You stand up and grab the boy's chin. You turn his face to get a good look at the second mouth hat sprouted on his cheek. Nanami stands up, but keeps his distance, unsure of how this will play out.

"Yeah, this is Sukuna. He's some old curse user-turned curse that lives inside--" But before Yuji can finish his explanation, you do the unimaginable. You stick your finger in the mouth.

Sukuna gags. "HOW DARE YOU?" he roars. You go in to stick your finger again, but the mouth disappears before you can.

Nanami was baffled. "You did not just stick your finger inside of Ryomen Sukuna's mouth?" You wipe your finger across the boy's shirt. He yells in disapproval.

"Seems like you got a curse in you. You should probably get that checked or something," you say.

"Aren't you scared?" Yuji couldn't believe it. You didn't even cower or shy away from him or Sukuna.

"Why would I? It's clear you got a good hold on him. Besides he wouldn't be the first person who's tried killing me so nothing new really." Itadori just stares at you, stars shining in his eyes. You didn't expect to get such a reaction out of the boy. You look at Nanami who is also looking at you with starry eyes.

"Okay... how about that project?" you announce, trying to break both of them from their trance. That seems to do the trick as Yuji comes to.

"Oh yeah, let me pull out the questions that Gojo wanted me to ask," he informs, pulling his phone out of his pocket. You visibly cringe. Ewe, I forgot Gojo is his teacher.

Word Count: 1791

Previous - Masterlist - Next

Author's Notes: I'M SORRY FOR THE DELAY! Trust me I love this story, I just got sidetracked with other thoughts. But here is the long awaited chapter 6!

Also y'all can't tell me you never thought about sticking something in Sukuna's mouth?

Also I don't know if y'all noticed but I changed tenses here. I began in past tense but then switched to present towards the end. What do y'all prefer? I'm leaning towards present, but would love to hear your thoughts. Here's a poll so it's easier to hear from y'all:

[teddypines]

To Scotland, (the aftermath part 2)

-----------------------------------------------------------

Summary: The team made it to Scotland in one piece, getting the warmest welcome from the MacTavish family. It was time for healing, some fun and little outings.

Note: Soap's place of birth and his parents names are made up by me and my friend, because i couldn't find anything canon, so headcanon it is. Also part 3 will get more little outings and maybe more.

The aftermath part 1

--------------------------------------------------------------

Location: Scotland, Stirling, countryside near Drip Bridge. Soap’s parents home.

Date: November 4th 20XX

Soap’s mom, Fiona, walked down the porch as Johnny walked over to the house with some of the bag’s. “Johnny, sweetpea!” She yelled while opening her arms for a hug. “Hey, mom.” Johnny answered once he let go of the bag’s and was safely in his mothers arms. “Missed ya, Mom.”

John walked over to Johnny and his mother with the other bag’s while Simon and Y/N helped Kyle walk after them. “OWh and look at them, you sure picked them out didn’t ya.” Fiona marveled as she looked at the others. “You three sure are handsome and you dear are an angel.” Fiona complimented the other four. “Now come in, come in, you all are probably tired from your trip here and everything that happened before. I have tea and cake inside.” 

After Fiona got to hug and greet everyone and the bags were all inside and taken care of. Everyone gathered into the living room, Johnny quickly sat down in his usual spot before helping his mom with tea and the cake. Fiona made her famous apple pie for everyone, wanting them to feel welcome and loved.

Kyle was still a bit out of it, the pain meds were less heavy but his mind was still a bit foggy. He lay his head onto Y/N’s shoulder as he sat between her and John, nice and safe as the others talked over tea. Of course Soap’s dad, Callum, wanted to know everything about the mission, the escape and what happened at the safehouse. He didn’t get everything he wanted to know, but he got what the team was allowed to tell family and loved ones.

<-------------------------------------------------->

After tea and cake everyone took it easy. John took Kyle upstairs for a nap, because the poor man really needed one. Simon joined Kyle after about 45 minutes. He needed a nap too. Fiona went to work on dinner, wanting to make a feast for her son’s safe return home and to celebrate his loved ones. Y/N went with Johnny and his dad to check on the animals and John started helping Fiona after a while of letting Kate know everything was okay in Scotland.  

Of course Y/N adored the sheep the MacTavish family kept. They were all so fluffy and adorable, like little walking clouds. Johnny was lucky when he caught the moment of Y/N holding one of the younger sheep in her lap on camera. Saving it for a rainy day and sharing it with the boy’s in their private group chat. Callum only loved it that Johnny’s partner loved the sheep just as much as he and his family did.

Monty, the barn cat, got the same kind of attention from Y/N as the sheep did. But Monty got the privilege of going back inside with Johnny, Callum and Y/N, while the sheep had to stay inside the barn for the night. 

Dinner was nice and homey. It did bother Simon a bit and even John was struggling with this loving and warm feeling a parent could give. Fiona’s food was delicious as always and to her own delight there were no leftovers. Y/N helped Johnny with the dishes as the others went to do their own thing again until tea time.

<-------------------------------------------------->

The moment Johnny’s head hit his pillow something felt wrong. He was so used to having his loved ones in the same big bed as him when they were out of the field. Yet now he lay alone in his childhood bed, it just felt wrong. Even Though the others where in the two bedrooms across the hall, he missed them. Their warmth and closeness. Johnny was debating on going to one of the bedrooms to sleep there, but he was shaken out of his thoughts when his door opened. 

“Johnny?” Y/N whisper asked once she got closer to the bed. Johnny slowly nodded his head. “What is it, bonnie?” “I can’t sleep… Kyle moved to sleep with Simon and John and I feel so cold without one of you next to me.” Y/N answered. Johnny quickly opened the covers for Y/N and let her crawl into bed with him. They didn’t need words to understand what they both needed. And thus Johnny rubbed Y/N’s thigh as she hugged him. The two of them fell asleep like this, both not so cold and lonely anymore.

<--------------------------------------------------->

Location: Scotland, Stirling, countryside near Drip Bridge. Soap’s parents home.

Date: November 5th 20XX

Today was an easy chill day. The most everyone did was the necessary things, like taking care of Kyle and the animals. There was time to take it easy and to not worry about doing everything in a short time limit. It was nice, Johnny updated his journal. Simon was watching tv with Kyle and John was taking an old man nap with Callum. Y/N took the time to call her family. Telling them she is safe in Scotland and that Kyle and Simon are getting better by the day.

Later that day, around tea time Johnny was looking through the list of dvd’s. “Mom? Do you still have that one movie? You know the one used to love as a kid?” Johnny asked as he tried to find something to watch. “The one with the dog’s or the one with Hugh Jackman as a rat?” Fiona answered from the kitchen. “The one with the dog, but the scary one.” Johnny answered. This interaction confused John a bit, but he also loved it. He knew Johnny could communicate in a nonsensical way that made sense at the same time, but he never saw it happen like this. He saw it happen with Simon and Y/N, but that was different from this with Fiona.

“You mean the one with the penguin?” Callum asked Johnny as he looked back at his son. “What? No, it was a chicken right? Right?” Johnny asked, now even more confused than before. “It was a penguin, he just looked like a chicken because of the glove on his head and you are looking for 'Wallace and Gromit in the wrong trouser.'” Y/N answered, not even looking up from her phone. “And no, I did not just google this.”

Johnny slowly nodded his head. “Yeah.. That one.” He responded before searching for it in the dvd stand. “How? How do you know that is the film I was talking about?” Johnny asked after a long moment of silence. “I watched those too as a kid.” Y/N answered with a shrug. She shifted a bit, making Kyle groan. “Sorry, love.” Y/N whispered to Kyle. “Besides it’s a national treasure, not knowing Wallace and Gromit is like not knowing the queen. And not everyone on the team had a shittie childhood, Johnny. No offense Simon.” Simon just nodded. “None taken”

“Sooo… What is this I hear about Hugh Jackman as a rat?” Kyle asked as he shifted his head against Y/N’s thigh. Johnny turned red as Kyle asked him about the Hugh Jackman rat. Fiona could only smile as she walked into the living room with a tray and everything for tea and a movie on it. “Well, Kyle, Somewhere in the early years of Johnny’s life he watched an animated movie about sewer rats with the male lead being voiced by Hugh Jackman. My baby boy had to watch the movie every weekend and once he found out Hugh Jackman was in it he had to watch every movie with him in it. Some might say Johnny boy had a crush and a gay awakening.” Johnny whined in embracement. “Mom~ Stop! They don’t need to know about that” Johnny said only for everyone to laugh at his reaction. 

“I get it, Johnny boy. Mister Hughs Jacked Man is very nice to look at.” Y/N said as she started to run her hand through Kyle’s hair. “Yeah and he was totally hot in Australia, the movie not the country.” Kyle agreed. “And in X-Men.”

“Yeah, yeah I get it, just stop!” Johnny whined and hid his head in his hand. Fiona could only laugh. “Owh and don’t forget your little crush on that Legolas guy.”

“No! mom! Shush! Don’t tell them about that!”

“Legolas, hu?” John asked with a teasing smirk on his face. “He is a very handsome man, elf, okay?!” Johnny answered. “No no, you're right, Legolas is very handsome.” John reassured Johnny. “I really liked that Aragorn fella,” Simon commented to which Fiona nodded. “I agree with that, Aragorn is a good man.” 

And so the rest of the evening was spent talking about celebrity men, and women and the plants the team had for the next day. 

<--------------------------------------------------->

Location: Scotland, Stirling, Stirling castle.

Date: November 6th 20XX

Y/N had the little map and info brochure in hand as John paid for the tickets. It was like Y/N was the mom with how much she had to look up to make sure Johnny and Simon didn’t get into any trouble with the other people that were walking around the castle. Kyle looked over Y/N’s shoulder and smiled. “Can we go there after looking around the castle?” He asked as he pointed at a little café icon on the map. “Yeah, sure, wait… You really want to go to the Unicorn Café?” Y/N asked to which Kyle nodded. “Yes, besides it’s the only café they have here.”

Simon and Johnny gathered around Y/N and Kyle. “We are going into the little shop’s right?” Johnny asked. “Of course we are.” John answered as he came back with the tickets. “Now, one rule boy’s. Do not touch it if it doesn’t say you can touch it.” The boy’s nodded their heads and Y/N giggled. “So I can touch everything?” she asked with a cheeky smile on her face. “Oi, don’t get smart with me Princess.” John warned before taking Y/N’s hand and leading her to the castle like she was it’s queen.

[addledmongoose]

Good Omens Fanfic Friday (20 Sep 2024)

Because I finished my first draft of my latest (a Reverse Omens AU), and because two separate bangs are starting to come out this month, I have a really long list of (mostly short) stories to recommend this week. And if you like your GO fanfic smut-free, this is the list for you. Only one of these stories is rated E.

These first three aren't part of any bang.

Tadfield Zoo (40K; Rated E) by @groovynightstrawberry

Human AU. Crowley is the zoo's herpetologist. Aziraphale is the new vet. Crowley needs a plus one for his cousin's wedding, and Anathema has a great idea.

***

There’s no algorithm for the ineffable (12K; Rated T) by @thinkinginscripts

Human AU. A lovely, angst-free short with a lot of wonderful witty dialogue between the Ineffable Husbands.

Aziraphale Fell has been running Heavenly Matches, bespoke dating concierge for queer professionals looking for serious relationships, for over twenty years. His success rate is unsurpassed.

His new client, Mr Crowley, is just lovely - there are plenty of candidates interested in taking him to dinner. But after three dates with three perfect men, Crowley's not even sure what he wants anymore.

***

Flowers From Hell (42K; Rated T) by @entanglednow

I loved this story so much. Set post-notpocalypse, Aziraphale makes an effort to get more involved in Crowley's interests, especially his love of gardening. I don't want to spoil it, but I can say you will absolutely fall in love with Ivy.

***

These shorts are part of the GO Fairy Tale Minibang. There are a lot of stories in this collection, so be sure to check them out if you like fairy tales.

The Marriage of Robin Redbreast and the Wren (9K; Rated G) by @starryfull13

A Scottish tale about a wild red-breasted robin and a wren of the Royal court.

***

A Warrior in a Garden (9.8K; Rated T) by @snarky-synesthete

Set post-scene after Wessex, Aziraphale is a Knight of the Table Round when Crowley shows up to sow discord as Morgana la Fey. This story could have easily fit in the GO world like an extended Wessex minisode.

***

The True(ish) Tale of Hansel and Gretel (4K; Rated G)

Aziraphale arrives in a small town to find several of the village children missing and goes to find the witch responsible, only to stumble upon a lovely, ginger-haired demon he hasn't seen in a few years.

***

The Bounds of Gold (18K; Rated T) by @suavissimapenna

Human AU. Nice twist on the Rumplestilskin story.

All Aziraphale wants is to Illuminate a book commissioned by the royal family, but a gold shortage in the kingdom means he has to use a cursed spell book to spin straw into gold. All Crowley wants is to escape the curse that's bound him to the spell book for centuries. When the royal family finds out about Aziraphale’s new skill, things go to hell in a handbasket. A Rumplestilskin AU.

***

When The Lanterns Are Lit (5.7K; Rated G) by @the-ineffable-dance

Deep in The Wood, pixies Aziraphale and Crowley live a life of carefree delight. But when a doorway into Faerie appears, Aziraphale and Crowley have to work together to help two lost human boys admit the feelings they have for each other... and maybe recognize their own feelings along the way!

***

These stories are part of the Do It With Style Silver Screen bang. There are a lot more stories in the works, so be sure to check it out.

The Bookshop Around the Corner (18K; Rated G) by @luinlothana

It's You've Got Mail in the GO universe. This is NOT a human AU. It's the story of angel who doesn't want to sell books and a demon who is feeling a wee bit guilty about one of his plans coming to fruition.

***

The Crowley Family Values (11K; Rated T) by @ezomind-the-other-one

Human AU. As the name implies, this is a crossover fic with the Addams Family Values. If you don't know the other IP, you might struggle a bit simply because the dark humor can seem odd, but if you do know the Addams Family, you'll find the story fits perfectly with the style of humor.

[junedenim]

2007

beneath the boardwalk, part 5 (series masterlist)

my mistakes were made for you

warnings: angst, fluff, smut, robert, etc.

word count: 12.3k

I had my hair cut just above my shoulders but it was not a bob, I am adamant about this. I got a light fringe that I never wore full-frontal on my forehead. I was inclined to pull the two sections apart like a curtain or, regrettably, have them as side bangs.

After New Year's, I returned to London and left many things behind in Wakefield, most notably my journals. I was starting fresh and wanted to claim independence. Stacey gifted me a stack of Moleskine notebooks for Christmas that I wrote in and I began babysitting two girls (5 & 7) who lived in the building with their single mother, Lee, who was 6 years older than me. Georgia and I refused to turn on the heat because we weren't overflowing with cash, especially after my father and I agreed I would start paying rent after the three-month grace period he gave me. 

The other reason was we felt more like struggling artists, piled under blankets, wearing two pairs of socks, and heating meals in the microwave because they had grown too cold too quickly. Georgia would write poetry in her room then meet me in the living room and recite it. I was without an editor since Alex and I's parting. So, I began to share my writing with Georgia.  After we traded pieces, we would crack the window open and smoke cigarettes out of it. 

I was aware I was using Georgia to refill the Alex-shaped hole in my life. What Georgia and I were doing was what I dreamt for Alex and me. I had overwhelming happiness for Alex but I felt disappointed (and certainly jealous) that we didn't experience the struggling artist phase together. But Georgia was what I needed: a friend.

Madeline Critchley, who helped me submit to Granta, got me a position with the University of Greenwich's literary magazine, Anthology. It felt dumb to start at the magazine a few months before I was finished with school but she told me it didn't matter how much time I put into it but what I got out of it. It was cheesy but it ended up being true. I wrote endlessly, trapped inside that building. I was overcome by some being and she never let me stop.

*

I was invited to a secret gig at The Leadmill in February. Arctic Monkeys's tour director emailed the invitation. I thought about going but used the excuse of babysitting and RSVPed no. Georgia, her new girlfriend, Kyle, Dianna, Robert, and I went and saw Amy Winehouse instead. Obviously, I don't regret the decision.

Not speaking of Alex seemed an unspoken rule but I couldn't help but think of him when Amy came on stage. Not because I related her songs to Alex and our relationship but because the bastard got to meet her and didn't fucking introduce me to her!

Robert's place was a close distance from Astoria so we all, except Dianna, went back and crashed at his place instead of taking a 40-minute ride home on the underground late at night. Georgia and Kyle would sleep on the pull-out and Robert would share his bed with me.

Before we went to sleep, Robert and I smoked a joint in his room. It didn't do much for me, only making me tired-eyed. Robert was in a constant state of haziness. He wore leather pants and a turtleneck. His hair was overgrown and every movement he made bounced his curls. 

"Heard about you and Alex." It was the first time we had seen each other this semester. I had only told Georgia, she informed everyone else for me.

"Yep."

"Sorry 'bout that."

I shrugged. It wasn't something I wanted to talk about.

"Sucks we can't get free concert tickets now."

I huffed a laugh. "I didn't think you were much of a fan anyway."

"Well, you know, it's a good place to pick up girls." He eyed me. It was obvious.

"I didn't pay attention to that kind of thing."

"Oh, come on, like you weren't watching every girl there who could steal your man."

I shrugged again. I was never threatened by that idea or maybe I was just uncaring towards it.

"Your ambivalence is a man's greatest dream."

"He never did anything for me to not trust him."

"What about me?"

"Oh," I exaggeratedly rolled my eyes. "I'd never trust you."

We shared a laugh and the joint had reached its butt. He put it down. "So, shall we just get to fucking?"

I pushed off the wall and walked over to what had been deemed my side of the bed. "God, Robert."

"Come on. It's been a long time coming. We're here. We're single. It's our last year. We're never gonna be here again."

"You just want to get yours wet."

"So, you're wet? And hell yeah."

"Shut up."

"Let me kiss you."

"I'm going to bed."

"Fine. Me too."

We laid side-by-side for a minute before I kissed him and then we fucked. I don't remember much. I wasn't that drunk or high. It just wasn't very memorable.

*

Robert and I had a transactional relationship. Before we began hooking up this was the case and now that we were spending our nights together, we shared awful things with one another, none of which were words. Drugs seemed to be the biggest thing. A joint after sex was expected and by March, Robert and I were snorting coke with one another. It was quite enjoyable. For the time.

We ended up in Regent's Park one night. We sprawled across the vast grass. He called people—they weren't friends—on his Motorola Razr and switched between rambling with them and rambling at me. I brought my notebook and thought about writing but he was too loud.

I searched through my bag for something I never found and remembered when I came with Alex. I hated the infection of him but something about that night and picturing him on a bench next to me made me smile. 

I thought of guards changing. My first trip down to London when I was 10 and how Stacey and I stood, faces squeezing through the gates of Buckingham Palace to watch the New Guard replace the Old Guard. I couldn't understand how anyone would want to stand outside on sentry duty for hours. The relief when the New Guard showed up must have been such an enormous relief as their bladders ached and their shoulders begged for mercy. I wondered about the relief Alex felt as the New Guard replaced him. Or did he wish to continue to stand still by the palace's side? But the Old Guard becomes the New Guard eventually. They all just go spinning around. 

I wrote about the places we attribute to people. The corners of the world that just belong to them. (Alex, unbeknownst to me, had already done the same [505]). I left Alex's fingerprint out of the piece but it had him all smeared over it. I wrote about the Guard and Stacey's little head nearly trapped in between the metal bars. It was my favourite piece I wrote for Anthology. 

I sent it to Alex. He responded:

Buckingham Palace still has guards???? Are people still trying to actively kill the Queen?

I responded:

Diana's ghost.

Alex never sent me any of his work. I dreamt of a book one day appearing on my car roof. But my car stayed in Wakefield and Alex stayed nowhere. It was a rotten daydream.

*

In April, days before Favourite Worst Nightmare was released, the band played the Astoria for two nights. I hadn't heard any material yet, besides the recently released single "Brianstorm" and its b-sides, I had heard none of the album. It was unsettling not to know the songs. To not have the entire setlist memorized, front to back. 

My goal was always to be friends with Alex and going to the concert felt like solidifying this notion. Georgia found my need to befriend Alex so quickly after we had ended bizarre and unnecessary. But it had been months and I was ready to rip the Band-Aid. Georgia came with me. Robert insisted too. 

It did end up being bizarre. I was unacquainted with going to an Arctic Monkeys concert and not talking to Alex beforehand. When they came on stage, their appearances were much like when I saw them last. Alex hadn't changed one bit, but his demeanor had. He was stiffer, not in a good or bad way, just an indistinguishable way.

New additions met my ears well with the bass of "Balaclava" ringing through me for days to come. I shifted around "Do Me A Favour" as details became obvious that the subject matter was concerning us and our teary eyes. It made me fidget but I loved it so I couldn't quite complain about the feeling of irk I got. My opinion changed when it was followed by "Mardy Bum" where I knew all of this was a conscious choice. It was an attack on my heart whose walls were still susceptible to incursion.

I found myself relating to songs that weren't written for me like I was the average listener. "Leave Before the Lights Come On" had a different meaning standing next to Robert. I felt ashamed for that and that made me enraged by Alex because without moving a muscle I felt like he was dictating my life through my hippocampus only. 

After the show, we waited outside for the band. Georgia also found this insane. Robert said it was tragic but in a poetic way. I said they could go but both refused. 

Jamie came out first with Katie who wrapped her arms around me which could be deemed as a threat to my life if it wasn't so loving. She did the same to Georgia and I laughed at the way Georgia flailed her arms around.

The rest of the band followed with Alex's eyes wide and looking between the floor and me, unable to process the sight in a simple glance. "Alright! We're heading back to Robert's place!" Matt shouted. His eyes on Alex became clear he was teasing him. 

Regardless, I chuckled and hugged Matt. "No. I was hoping to join wherever you were going if you don't mind the intrusion."

"Never," Nick said, giving me a hug. Nick and I didn't know much about each other other than what Alex told each of us. I liked him because he had always greeted me with a wide smile, welcoming to all. He often seemed like he was just happy to be along for the ride wherever that ride took him. I like that quality very much.

As we walked out further into the street, the paparazzi snapped away, more at the band than the 3 dimwits following them, nevertheless, Robert began a potent rant against the invasion of paparazzi and how it was Big Brother and flexing that he had read 1984 as if it wasn't required reading for everyone in high school. He continued this the whole ride until we arrived at the pub.

It was premier service for a place that felt so unchic but I knew nothing about how the status of celebrity worked. Alex and I didn't go out enough for me to witness it. I had no qualms about using the complimentary service for my drinks. 

In the booth, Robert sat with his arm around me. Our displays were often limited to his flat but when he stood to go use the restroom and kissed my cheek I knew what he was doing. I had to laugh, it was impossibly amusing.  

I left for a cigarette. Alex followed a minute later. My back was against the wall as he approached. "Hi."

"Hi." I unconsciously handed him one. It was second nature.

He blew a puff out and asked, "You got a review for me?" That was also second nature.

I chuckled and shook my head, looking down at the floor. "Excellent as usual."

"Dry as ever, come on, Janie, you've got to give me more here."

I gave what I could. "I liked the new songs."

It seemed less jokey now as his laughter fell but he smiled at me sincerely. "Thanks."

"I'm sure the album will be great." I never doubted that. Even if he wrote the most scathing things about me, I would love it because he’d word it in such a way that I simply could not hate it.

Our conversation was like hitting a tennis ball back and forth but each time one of us hit it the other wouldn't hit it back. I thought about going inside. Then, he asked me, "You and Robert together?"

His bluntness had taken me aback and I focused on my cigarette to process the question. "Does Robert strike you as the boyfriend type?"

It made Alex laugh, which was the only relief in the world I would need. "I suppose not. Kissing you on the cheek and all—I'm sorry, not my business."

He was flustered, which made me laugh. He was small and cute when he was flustered, messing with his hair and shaking his head. "You know, he gets a kick out of making you jealous."

"Really?" Alex chuckled at the idea. I think Alex, for many years, viewed himself as the underdog, even if he was more famous, richer, cuter, and kinder than nearly anyone else I knew. 

"I think you make him feel insufficient. I'm not sure why but he's always felt a need to overcompensate when you're around."

"So, he doesn't do stuff like that usually?"

I never liked lying to Alex. "No. But in full transparency, we are doing the hook-up thing or whatever."

He verged on saying something but closed his mouth and scuffed out his cigarette. I joined him in dropping mine. "Lucky him."

I pushed him light-heartedly. "Shut up."

We returned inside and Robert's arm returned around me. Later, when we were saying our goodbyes for the evening, he was loud in his exclamation that we were leaving together and returning to his flat. I had to hide my laughter. Robert's usual too-cool-for-school conduct faded at the sight of Alex. It made it funnier when Alex pulled me aside while everyone was saying their goodbyes.

"Are you coming to the show tomorrow?"

I shook my head. 

"Come."

"I can't. I've got to babysit."

Matt interjected, "They let you around children?"

Before I could say anything, Alex told him, "Will you shut it, Matthew?"

When Matt moved away, Alex grabbed my hands. "Just come tomorrow. Another night of free drinks if you want."

I giggled at his earnestness. "I would if I could."

"Cancel. Come on."

"Al."

"Look, how many nights am I in town for? Come on, Janie."

His eyes wide, his mouth saying his name for me, and his hands clutching mine. I didn't say no.

*

My arms are crossed and my head is shaking the first time I hear "505" because I don't know what to make of it and I don't know what to make of this. Alex was dressed in a sky-blue Lacoste (this will be more relevant in a few years) and he pressed down on the keys as he pressed down on me.

I was having a hard time wrapping my head around it. I wasn't sure if I should cry or smile. The song left me uneasy and I felt I didn't know what was true anymore. That wavelength between us had been severed and I imagined Alex felt sad about our break-up but I never thought he was rethinking his actions and pining for that hotel room again. I had been the one to lament over our break-up and send it to him. He had stayed reserved in all his opinions and hid away his emotions. It wasn't a new thing by any means. But I did feel a sense of betrayal when I heard the information with 2,000 other people instead of under blankets and sheets, whispered in the dead of winter.

But I didn't want to talk about it so after the show I didn't bring it up. His mannerisms shifted from his awkward movement to more deliberately positioned as he hugged me after the show like he had done so many times before, sweaty.

"Drinks?" I asked him.

He moved back and forth between his left and right foot. "I was thinking I could see this new flat I keep hearing about." 

Everything was intentional and obvious. "It's not very fabulous."

He waved me off. "I'm sure you've gushed the place up."

"Gushed the place up?" I questioned his verbiage.

Alex rolled his eyes and squeezed my upper arm. "Come on. Let me see the grounds."

Off we went on the underground to my flat, just the two of us. He kept jumping in his seat on the way over, citing excitement. "It feels out of place that I haven't seen your place," he said.

"Yeah. I know what you mean."

On our way up the stairs to my flat, Alex tried to challenge me to a race but my feet hurt and I couldn't believe he still had enough energy after performing concert after concert. My back was slumped and Alex was standing up perked as I unlocked the door. 

"Georgia home?" He asked as we made our way through the door.

"With Kyle."

He nodded, tight-lipped. I could see the scene unfolding before him in his mind as we stood in the living room/kitchen hybrid. He looked around the room like he had actual interest in it before his eyes landed on me with a smile.

"Do you do this in every city?" I asked.

"Huh?"

"Al. You're easy to read."

He stuffed his hands in his coat pocket as he tried to fight that grin bursting across his face. "I wanted to see your place."

I rolled my eyes and walked toward my bedroom. "Yeah, sure." He followed behind like an obedient puppy.

He was attentive in looking around the room, nearly all those trinkets he had memorized from my old room had been replaced with new ones. The poster flier from one of Georgia's poetry readings, the Amy Winehouse ticket stub, and the dumb joke from Alex's Christmas cracker were pinned on my mini bulletin board. The paper crown and mini deck of cards sat displayed on my desk. A slight upturn came to Alex's cheeks at the sight.

His gaze moved back to me. "A lot smaller than your room back home."

"Yeah. Rent's expensive and I'm paying rent now."

"Out from under your dad's thumb." Seeing him as pleased with this as I had been was a happy sight. Those long chats in hidden coves where we'd be independent together. But as always Alex was happy for me even without having him as codependence. 

Alex faked looking around my room more as I sat on the edge of my bed. He'd bend down to look at things like he was at a museum. His hands stayed in his pockets the whole time and he examined the corners and details of everything as if he'd be quizzed on it.

"Are you looking to see what you're going to steal from me?" I asked him.

He chuckled. "No, sorry. Just curious." He picked up the mini deck of cards, tossing it in his hands. "Round of Gin?"

"Alex." I wanted to be clear. "You came over here to play cards with me?"

His eyes were stuck on the deck's package, fiddling with the cardboard lid. "I just..." He shrugged multiple times and bounced on his feet. "I guess, I missed you, you know."

"Yeah." It was an easy sentiment to agree to because I feared I'd miss him for the rest of my life.

"We were in Tokyo a few weeks ago and I wanted to go see that Buddha you wrote about that, that, that—"

"Kamakura Daibutsu."

"Yeah." He looked down solemnly. "Wasn't there long enough to do it. I don't know. It just had me thinking about you and I know the relationship thing has sailed." 

I didn't believe that. I didn't want to believe that. I had held on to those hidden beliefs that after all the madness we'd return to each other's side and all would be well. An abyss grew in me that Alex didn't believe that too.

"But," he continued. "But just all that shite that I'd done to make it worse and I vowed I'd never do that and I'm sorry for being a total dickhead."

"I did things too that I knew would hurt you."

"You did nothing."

"I slept with someone in Aruba."

He froze, his stare on me as he processed the information. "Uh, that's fine."

I shook my head. "Don't do that. I don't want to start acting like my parents."

"I don't want tonight to be this depressing," he laughed wetly. 

"What did you want tonight to be?"

"I, I, to be—to hang out, to be with you."

"We could have done that at a pub. Why'd you want to come to my flat?" We looked at each other, both knowing the answer but waiting to see if the other would verbalize it.

He put the deck back on my desk and sat beside me. He stared forward at the wall for a moment before falling on his back. He rubbed his face as if to scrub it off, not wanting me to see the sight of it. My eyes never stopped following him. I was afraid to blink.

"My plan was to be all cute, tha knows."

"Aren't you always?"

The comment seemed to drop his guard a bit as he placed his hands on his chest. He took a deep breath and looked at me. His smile slowly grew as if it was being watered by the sight of me. "If you want to kiss me, you can."

I rolled my eyes and turned away from him but my smile was unavoidable.

"Come on." He tugged on my wrist. "You wouldn't let me endure one of the most embarrassing moments of my life."

I slapped away his hand's grip. "Quit mocking me."

He sat up. "I'm not mocking, Janie. I'm making the bad good." His face was right next to mine and it felt like the best move was to kiss him because kissing Alex could never be wrong even if he was leaving tomorrow and I would be left here.

So, therefore, having sex with Alex could never be an issue even though I slept with Robert the night before and I would sleep with him tomorrow. I wanted relief. The only solution was Alex in me. It was memorable.

*

His excitement worried me. "You're graduating in a few months. You could join us for festival season. It'll be in all those incredible places you want to go with beautiful weather. It'll be perfect. Where do you want to go? We'll go."

Lying in his arms had always been a comfort but now I felt this inevitability of hurting him with the false hope I had given. We lied on our sides, looking at each other, his hand draped over my waist.

"I don't know what kind of job I'll have after school. I might have to stay in London."

"We should hire you. You'll be our on-the-road journalist." His smile was infectious and I wished to have similar sentiments that once the obligation of school was done then we'd be fixed. But I wasn't going to kid myself.

I fell onto my back and clutched the bedsheet to my chest. "I think I'd be a bit biased. I don't want to be a journalist anyway."

"What do you want to be then, Janie?"

I shrugged. "I'll know when it's here."

Alex propped himself up on his elbow and quickly hovered over me. "You can't lie to me, Janie. You're a writer."

"Everybody's a writer," I argued.

He bit back a chuckle and shook his head. "Don't give me that shite for 4 years ago. You're a writer. I've seen it with my own two eyes."

"Well," I bite my lip, "there's this magazine, Granta, that I've submitted pieces to. I don't know if I want to do the whole freelance writer thing but I like writing what I want to write."

"Do it," he urged. "I'm not just saying that because you'll be able to come on the road with us."

I side-eyed him. "Sure."

"Have faith in me. I'm always looking out for the best for you. I'm always in your corner, Jane Cavendish."

It hit me. I knew it was the truth and he had always rallied for me so deeply even when we were far away from each other. "Ditto."

Alex rolled onto his back and looked at the ceiling. "Plus, you'll be able to see us headline Glastonbury."

I laughed but he didn't correct himself. I looked over and that smug bastard smirked at me and slowly nodded his head. "Fuck off. You're joking." He wasn't. Obviously.

*

Alex left for Liverpool at 6:30 AM. He shook me out of sleep saying he'd see me in a few weeks and kissed me.

Hours later, when I woke up, I would've figured I'd dreamt it if he hadn't written a note and placed it on my nightstand.

Come to Leadmill on the 21st & 22nd. I want a formal review. —A.T.

A couple of days later, Favourite Worst Nightmare dropped, including my—to this day—only songwriting credit on "Fluorescent Adolescent." I sent a text to Alex calling him a plagiarist. He told me to look out for the royalties check.

My relationship with Robert had remained unchanged but he gave the impression he knew what I had done with Alex. We never talked about it and when I left for Wakefield on the 20th he told me to tell the band he liked the album. I kissed his cheek. He was an annoying piece of shit but he was my friend. Few people understood it but we related to one another in a way I've never related with anyone. We were twin flames and it's why I couldn't handle him for more than a night at a time. We lit each other's fires but a fire is still a fire even if it keeps you warm on a cold night and burns you the next.

In Wakefield, my parents informed me they were moving. It had little to no effects on me other than sentimentality and having to clean out my childhood room. Stacey, however, would be uprooted and for that, I hurt.

My parents' guilt-tripped generosity allowed Stacey to attend The Leadmill show—her first Arctic Monkeys concert. She was slightly aware of the ambiguity of Alex and I's relationship and over the winter had prodded me for more. No one can claim to be a bigger fan of Alex Turner than Stacey, not even myself.

I wore my Arctic Monkeys tour T-shirt purchased at the London shows and Stacey wore the one I had purchased for her (I bought them at the merch table because it felt too awkward to ask Alex or the band for one. I used to just steal them. I decided to not hold the poor merch girl at gunpoint for a shirt). I drove my car there so Alex couldn't persuade me into drinks after. Stacey's coming eliminated any funny business. I wanted to get through school before starting anything up with Alex again. If I was even going to do that. I wasn't sure yet.

The setlist had a few new inclusions and Stacey jumped around freely. It was a beautiful sight of youth to see. It's the first time I really felt old at the thought that used to be me. Then, I felt stupid. I was a fresh 21, I had no clue how old old would really feel.

After the show, we congratulated the band on a good show and said good night. Alex told me to come to his parents' house before the show tomorrow. I accepted. I missed David and Penny. They would also be a good prevention buffer.

Up in his room, we sat on his bed and talked like the old days. There was much that had happened to talk about. Alex took the news of the house selling harder than me. I guess my sentimentality had rubbed off on him but I never viewed that house in the rose-coloured view that Alex did. But moments in my room I've locked away in my heart for just him and me. Things for only my ears to hear, my eyes to see, and my flesh to feel and vice versa for him.

After the show, we sat in my car.

"I feel like we're back to being 18," I told him.

"Why?"

I laughed to shield the seriousness with which I was speaking. "These trysts of ours."

"I already told Miles so." He had come out and performed "505" with them that night.

I rolled my eyes and chuckled. "Of course you did."

He shrugged helplessly.

"I'm still—well, I continued my thing with Robert. I'm not gonna lie to you."

"I kind of figured."

"I don't know how I feel about starting this again. Always being so far."

Alex sighed and leaned forward on his elbow on the center console. "After you've graduated that might not even be an issue."

"I'm not gonna follow you around like a puppy dog for years, Alex."

"I don't expect you to. But it could be fun this summer. After that, there'll be a break and we'll go wherever you pick. Swear it." He stuck his pinky out.

I bit the inside of my cheek and looked at his sweet face, always seeing so much with those big eyes. I loved him to pieces. Through all the struggles, there was that sweet face. So, I wrapped my pinky around his.

*

Alex was in Orlando when I graduated. He sent me a long email that is too long and personal to be printed in full here but here's an excerpt.

I think you should be a food reviewer that way we get into all the best restaurants that I'm not elegant enough to get into. Or you could just bat your eyelashes. Either would work I'm sure.

Be whatever you want. You'll be the best at it. Unless you want to do my job then stick to your day job otherwise I'll be out of one. Call me after, whenever you can. I wish I was there so imagine I am. It'll make me feel better.

He sounded like a dad. Some version of Atticus Finch morphed into a buffoon. I thought for hours about how to respond to the email. My eyes began to hurt so I just sent him photos from the day that Georgia had taken. 

Georgia hid her discrepancies with me over abandoning the flat to "run off with Alex" as she said every time I brought up my summer plans. I sublet my room with full intentions of returning in September. 

Robert was messier. We mutually seemed to agree that our sexual relationship would come to an end in May when we graduated. Robert held plans of going to New York and being a vagabond and I felt settled in London. Our activity had grown sparse after my trip to Yorkshire but didn't cease.

Two nights before graduation, I told him of my plans for the summer. He nodded along but laughed when I finished. "Whatever, Jane, be a fucking groupie all your life."

"I'm not."

He laughed maliciously at me. "I think you're scared of what comes after uni so you're clinging to this rich, successful ex-boyfriend. Play second fiddle to him. That's fine."

He was jealous. But I worried he was right.

*

I met up with the band in Dublin, which seemed fitting. It was easy to fall into the old habits of 2005 when I joined the band during the summer. However, Alex and I's relationship hadn't returned to what it had been. I slept in his bunk due to lack of space but that wasn't difficult. We struggled more with communication.

Their two shows in Dublin were messy and fanatical in the crowd. I stood backstage and listened to people singing along to a song I wrote. It didn't feel as out-of-body as I imagined and I wondered if Alex felt the same way when he heard the crowd singing along with him. 

In between their first and second show in Dublin, Alex and I escaped to Wicklow, much to the annoyance of his management who worried the whole day that he had ditched the show. We returned in time, although we did cut it close.

We hiked the Glen Beach Cliff where the ocean kissed the mountains and I knew Alex wanted to complain the whole time but he didn't. His shoes were old, the seams nearly ripped open as we hiked the 3 miles. Below us, on the beach, were seals. It felt like a different world compared to the one we had experienced last night.

As we walked downhill, Alex wrapped his arm around me and despite nearly tripping several times and knocking me down with him, I refused to let him remove the arm. 

"Are we dating again?" He asked.

It had been a largely neglected topic, mostly because I hadn't made my mind up about it. It was easy to be with Alex but being with Alex when we weren't actually with each other was frustrating. My biggest worry had always been ruining our friendship over the failure of our romantic relationship. Still, I wasn't sure of anything. "I guess."

He lightly chuckled. "That was enthusiastic."

"I'm sorry. I guess my question remains about what will happen after summer." The wind swirled around us and I tried my best to keep my hair out of my face.

"That's more a question for you than for me. You know what I want but I'm going to be happy for you whatever way you go. You know that right?" Alex has always been insistent on making sure I know he's steadfast in his support of whatever direction I decide to head and he has held true to that (mostly).

"Then, I'll need time to think about that. See what opportunities come my way this summer."

He nodded and tugged me closer. "This is over in December and then I'm all yours. Besides, I've already called you me girlfriend so you can't go back on it now."

In my sarcastic nature, I tossed my head on his shoulder, sounding, "Ugh! Don't be presumptuous, Al."

*

I got my favourite pair of sunglasses stolen at Glastonbury and I will hunt down the thief until the day that I die. Not that sunglasses were required for much of that day. The sky was dim, the ground was muddy, and it rained the whole weekend. We got there a day early to settle and like any night before a big show, it was spent drinking and horsing around late into the night.

Alex and I didn't get to bed until way past midnight and even then we had left Jamie, Matt, and other mates still fucking around. As we got ready for bed Alex had grown quiet, slow in his movements, and shrinking down into the small bed.

We laid down together and silence was awkward and he felt stiff. "You nervous?"

"Yeah," he laughed out in an effort to mask his nerves.

I curled my arm around and hugged him. I did my best to comfort him the way he always did for me. I held him tight and tried to possess a shoulder to cry on the best I could. "You know, I'll still love you even if you make a fool of yourself."

"Thanks." I leaned back to look at him as he struggled with a smile. His hand reached up and pushed my hair behind my ear. He held my cheek and it felt like his muscles had finally relaxed. "I'll try my best not to. I know you don't want to be stuck with a fool." 

"Aren't you already?"

He rolled his eyes and was relieved with a laugh. "Maybe only for you."

"That's so cheesy. You should be put in jail."

"As long as you were there."

I slapped a thunk onto his arm. "Stop it, you. I'll imprison you. Shush!"

He resisted my push away from him, wormed his arm under me, and landed the other over me. He wiggled us close and he felt like a preheated oven as my bones were left out to defrost. "Are you happy? Excited?"

Alex often needed me to reassure him during this period of our lives, especially after we got back together. That summer our relationship was ambiguous and it was easy for Alex to fear that at the first sign of unhappiness, I would ditch him. He wasn't exactly wrong. I wouldn't have left if Glasto sucked but if I became unhappy with Alex, it was an easy out for me. I've always appreciated easy outs.

"Yeah. I wish I had a camera. Then, I could sell them all to The Sun and make a killing."

"Is all this okay with you?" More questions. Another valid one. An undiscussed topic had often been I, an at-the-time unknown, being pulled into the public eye for my attachment to Alex. It's not like he was some tabloid superstar but it didn't leave me as a virtual unknown, especially with the band only getting bigger.

I nodded, my ear rustling against the pillow. "No stalkers. Except maybe you." He hadn't left my side since we arrived. I couldn't complain one bit. For once, I wasn't the clingy one.

He mused, "What can I say? I love you."

"Stop." Too cheesy, too cheesy.

Alex laughed into his pillow. He softened up and inched closer to me on our tiny bed. "Why didn't you bring your camera?" My photograph production had declined since college but I still held onto the habit.

I frowned. "It broke right before graduation."

"The ol’ Canon finally bit the dust,” he joked. It had been the only camera I ever owned. I used my mother’s old cameras when I took that photography class with Matt. I never bothered investing more in it than what I could borrow. “We can pick up another one."

I sighed. "Too much money. I'm an independent woman now."

"Oh, damn, you need me to be your daddy now."

I pushed him off the bed.

*

We mudded up our wellies the following day to see Amy Winehouse before the rain poured in full force again. I think it relaxed everyone to feel like we went to Glasto just to enjoy it and not actually headline it. We nodded our heads along with the songs and stood with our hands stuffed into our pockets. 

Opposing Alex's nerves, I was wracked with excitement. I went off into my own world during Glastonbury and wanted to enjoy the hippie nature and the history. I loved the whole weekend. The nights after watching The Killers and The Who and I'm pissed with Arctic Monkeys to this day for having me miss Björk to watch their stupid headline set.

Dressed in their overcoats and Matt with his Adidas track pants, their set went off without a hitch and I had fun dancing with Katie and briefly with Dizzee Rascal before he joined them onstage for "Temptation Greets You Like A Naughty Friend." The road had and would be lonely but it was eased a little bit by having another girl by my side. When Miles came out and joined the band for "505" I thought of Eva. I hadn't talked or heard about her since The Little Flames disbanded. I shamed myself for it. I had become a person who held onto objects that reminded you of a person as an excuse to no longer see them.  The thought crossed my mind that Georgia was my only friend and I hadn't talked to her since I joined the band on the road. Then, Katie hugged me to her side and I felt a little less lonely.

I had grown desensitized to the meaning behind Alex's songwriting. I never stopped and thought about how he was singing songs that were rooted in our break-up because it no longer seemed important because we were together and how the past could affect the future. But there was this moment during "Do Me A Favour" where he had seemed rather emotional, furiously strumming his guitar and rushed singing close to his microphone. I felt ashamed for not having the same reaction as him. I felt like I was missing a gene by not crying at "Mardy Bum" or not swooning at "I Bet You Look Good on the Dancefloor" but I suppose night after night, I just became numb to the meanings of those songs. I wish I hadn't. I wish I enjoyed it more but everything felt fleeting so I made no effort to cherish moments at that age.

When they got off stage the thought had floated away and we were ready for a night of exhausted celebration. The weather was rough and the band had their casual round of press before we enjoyed drinks and party favours in the camper. Alex and I made out against the door of a porta-potty at one point. It was very disgusting.

*

I fulfilled more travel fantasies with this tour. The limitations no longer sat in Great Britain and Ireland as we moved up to Scandinavia, first stopping in Oslo. I was set loose and skipped their concert, instead visiting the Akershus Fortress and seeing "The Scream" at the Munch Museum finally returned to its home after being stolen in 2004 (although, I'm partial to Munch's "Madonna" but that's neither here nor there). In Stockholm, I continued this by going to the Vasa Museum and in the evening hiking up to Skinnarviksberget and watching the sunset, but, sadly, no Northern Lights.

We continued the festival run going through Germany and then Rock Werchter where at this point I should have broken the world record for seeing Lily Allen live as I once again watched her on the Pyramid Marquee before seeing my boys on the Main Stage.

A festival or so later, a day off was given before their Paris show, and, in a way, I finally got my Parisian dream. The hotel was nice and the toilet worked like how a normal toilet works but Alex and I shared a room. Privacy for the first time since his room in Sheffield. We did the obvious, a few times.

It's weird to put it how sex works with Alex and me. It's like a weird recalibrating device. I suspect it's because our relationship started through it that whenever we need to get back on the same page fucking seems to help. It was late and we shared a cigarette after because you can do that then in Paris. I would talk, he would smoke it, then he would talk, I would smoke it.

"You and Katie have become best mates," he said. Katie had returned back to England a few days prior and I once again was the lone girl.

"I like her a lot. She's a calm presence amongst the chaos."

"Yeah, she's done Jamie a world of good. Calmed him a bit." That was undeniably true. Jamie had always been a kind and caring guy but he had an uncontrollable craze at times and a mouth that poured at things that maybe shouldn't have been said. Katie seemed to kick him and keep him in check.

I have always been fascinated with how people change people. Somewhere at our center these people worm their way in and change your hardwiring or maybe they just expose what has always been there. "Have I calmed you?"

Alex chuckled. "Quite the opposite I think."

"Hey!" I became jokingly affronted. "I can be a calm presence. You lot are the ones who are messing around so much."

He continued to laugh at me. Eyes bright and smile light. He reached over and began to pet my hair. "I don't think calm would be the right word." I thought about hitting his chest but that would prove his point. "I just think you've made me more confident."

It was a peculiar thought to me. I didn't feel confident most of the time and I was nowhere near the confidence of going on stage and headlining festivals as a band's frontman. "How?" I asked.

He reached back to stub out the cigarette on the ashtray on the bedside table but he kept his hand steady on the side of my head, rubbing smooth circles. He returned closer and with a soft smile. "In a lot of ways. Your encouragement." I couldn't argue with that. Alex had done the same for me tenfold. "I feel like if you believe in me, even if I fuck up out there, you'll still be here." I wanted to always be there. I hated how life got in the way and people stayed and others went and I just wanted to stay in little corners of the world with Alex forever. But in those early years, it was an impossibility. We tried our best. 

"Plus, you're smoking hot." I rolled my eyes but I was, of course, charmed by the comment (I mean, I wrote it here for a reason. I want everyone to know he finds me smoking hot). "Do you know the power I have by having you as a girlfriend? For god's sake, Robert almost kicked my ass over you."

I pushed away from him. "Ew. Don't talk about Robert when I'm naked."

"Why? You've been naked with him."

Forces froze and I waited to see if he had more to say or if I had anything to say but we both felt chilled by the awkwardness. I slowly sat up more against the headboard and rested back against it. "Were you hurt by that?"

"What?"

"Me having sex with Robert because you don't really have a right to be pissed." I was defensive because I was in the right but I also framed his words as an attack.

Alex was slow in his response, I guess he was trying to find the best way to say what he was thinking without me biting his head off for it. "No. I mean, you're right. There's no reason to be pissed."

I wanted to know his real feelings. I knew he wouldn't shame me for doing it but I wondered if he felt the act of Robert and I's relationship was an attack against him. I played with my fingernails and we didn't make eye contact. We were two planks beside one another. "But were you?"

I peeked over. His shoulders shrugged and he looked down at his hands. We were mirror images of each other. "I don't know. I mean, I don't like the idea of you being with anyone else. Truthfully, Robert annoys me so I guess that confused me or upset me more. But I love you, you know." He looked over. Insistent on this part. "And that's not going away. I figured that out a long time ago. As much as I love the idea that I get to be with you for...you know, I know that I can't get everything I want. But I want you to get all that. I want it more for you than for me. You got that?"

It took me a while to regain control. I was stuck between smiling so wide my face ripped into two and crying until my eyes fell out. I took a shaky breath. "Yeah. But I want all that for you too so you're right back to getting everything you've wanted again because I want that."

"You're always forcing me to take care of myself, Janie."

I hugged him. I needed to touch him. To hold him. I whispered into his neck, "It's 'cause I love you, you know."

*

When the tour went on break I went with Alex to Black Box Studios in Maine-et-Loire, France where he and Miles recorded the first Last Shadow Puppets album. The whole album was recorded in a matter of 2 weeks but nothing about it was rushed. The landscape was lush and the downtime felt like something out of an Eric Rohmer film.

On the last few dates of the tour, we ended up in Sydney. It was the only time during the tour that I got the urge to call my mother. I didn't because my Nokia couldn't call that far but I sent her and my father a postcard and I bought Stacey Uggs, authentic Uggs. We had a day off where we went to Bondi Beach where Matt and I braved the cold water. Afterwards, we visited the zoo where I got to hold a koala. I felt like holding a baby, except with the softest fur imaginable. Afterward, I pouted about not being allowed to own one so Alex bought me a koala stuffed animal.

A week after, the band went to play Summer Sonic in Osaka and Tokyo. I went back home for a week. It wasn't intentional, the dates just lined up that way but it felt best to skip such a rough place. Alex has a habit of embodying the mood of places based on memories. This behavior can likely only exist for a guy who has been to so many places.

I joined The Last Shadow Puppets a few days into recording. When I arrived, Miles and Alex had just returned from riding their bikes together. They looked like twins, shaggy-haired and brown-eyed boys. Alex threw his bike down and tossed his arm over to me like we were two buds, just getting off our shift at work. It filled me with endless excitement. Then, Miles came over and cupped my face, pinching my cheeks. I slapped him away and we went inside and had dinner.

At that dinner table, I could picture a whole future. Ones where Alex and I had Miles over our house, our little stray puppy. Nights where we all went out drinking and he crashed on our couch. Miles and I would both be hungover and Alex would give us painkillers and make us scrambled eggs.

Side-by-side, Alex and I brushed our teeth. It was a greater act of love than a marriage proposal.

*

I had begun to videotape these Shadow Puppets. On the morning of my second day there, Alex and I were lounging around in bed when he told me he had a little present. He came out with a camera, a Pentax 17. 

"For me?" I pointed to myself, holding the delicate thing, cradling it like my baby.

He snorted a laugh. "Who else?" He petted my hair back and he was the sweetest man who ever lived. 

In those two weeks, I didn't have many subjects. Most of the footage and pictures were of Miles and Alex. James Ford, who produced and drummed with the Puppets, made some appearances. I slipped by in a couple too. I began to develop this plan to make a documentary on the band. It fell through, mainly because when they went to do the orchestral parts of the album in December, I couldn't go, and I was also lazy. They used some of it for a 4play documentary but it wasn't the vision I had. Alex says I would have won an NME award (I have desperately wanted to win one solely for the middle finger trophy. Alex has plenty, only one on display for joking sake, but I would beg to win one. It might have been my only chance). It probably would have sucked. I've never worked with actual film to make a movie. I never worked with anything to make a movie because I've never made a movie. I will never make one either. Because I am lazy. But, I guess, I'll get through the rest of this book and stop interrupting the flow of the story by telling you I'm getting ready to write more of this book which you will read now. Or now. Now. Now. Now. Now. Now.

Now, I have filmed much more on that camera other than Miles and Alex skipping through great fields and picking daisies, although I still shoot that too. If I could submit home videos for the NME Awards, I would have won one by now.

Most afternoons we rode bikes around the tiny town. I would occasionally drop into the studio out of pure boredom but I spent the majority of my downtime writing or exploring. One afternoon, the trio of us biked by Château d'Armaillé.  It was a lofty manor contrast to the farms and livestock breeders we usually biked by. I stopped and stared as I usually do.

"Can you believe people lived in that thing?" I questioned, completely mesmerised.

Alex laughed, already pleased with his joke. "Yeah, isn't that the size of your family home?" 

*

On our last night there we had a little dinner party with everyone we had come across at Black Box Studios in the two weeks we had been there. Since this was pretty much the middle of nowhere, there were very few people. But it felt celebratory to end this little project with gloriously catered French food and playing dress-up. It was mainly an excuse for me to wear a vintage dress I had found at a used clothing store in Nantes when I was waiting for a car out to Black Box. 

It was a white drop-waist dress with a little bow on the side of my hip and a skirt with a light lace overlay. It was paired with a cloche hat that I regretfully didn't buy, but I still have the dress. Alex wore a button-down and slacks but Miles and I talked him into wearing a stupid top hat that had been lying around Black Box for the 2 weeks we were there. Alex ended up taking it home with him, although he does not still have it. Miles wore shorts, a grey T-shirt, and a bowtie. 

The food and conversations were far more important with the most delicious potatoes I've ever tasted that were mixed with a sauce that I might forever be wondering what it was but my tongue can still feel the taste. The wine was white and Alex dropped his glass on the floor halfway through the dinner, which he doesn't want me to mention, which means I totally will be mentioning it (obviously).

His arm rested on the back of my chair and our plates had long been cleared and the dessert, Gâteau Nantais (a delicious almond pound cake, soaked in rum, and topped with glaze—I really, really liked these meals), had been picked away at. I was still eating the crumbs of my second slice and Alex drank from his new wine glass. I could see futures, but for the first time, I felt like this was the future. Friends, old and mostly new, surrounded us and we drank and ate and talked and laughed and the warmth of Alex radiated on me. I was in love with everything.

"Will Jane be heading back on the road for North America?" James asked Alex. 

He turned to me with his teeth showing, smiling enough for sparks to come off it. Pride radiated off of him; it still makes me want to cry. "As of this morning, Miss Cavendish has a job with Simon & Schuester." 

When I told Alex, I was cautiously concerned that his worries would overshadow the news, but I never doubted he'd be happy for me. I got the call when he was brushing his teeth. I told him when he returned to our room and he grabbed my hands and made me jump on the bed with him. (Shall I avoid the Monkeys Jumping on the Bed joke?).

The table cheered loudly and drunkenly. "Oh, shit, I know those two boys!" Miles, sooooooo drunk, exclaimed. I bashfully tucked my chin down, avoiding the attention. 

Alex's hand skimmed over my left shoulder. He bent down to kiss my downturned cheek and it was like my crush just kissed the spot—my cheeks flushed red and my heart pounded on the gates of my ribs. 

I waved for the noise to quiet down. "It's just an editorial assistant position."

Alex squeezed my shoulder, looking over at me, and rolling his eyes. "Cut it with that rubbish, Janie. It should have been the first thing we cheers to when we sat down."

He reached for his wine glass and I shoved his arm away. "Stop it. You're flustering me." His breath smelled of Chardonnay and his behavior spelled out drunk—his bubbly drunk phase, which is the most flattering phase. He leaned over kissing my cheeks repeatedly making the table erupt in noise again. I took a grip on his face and tried to push him away.

"I've made you all red," he boasted. Alex's face was all red too but it was likely more to do with the alcohol than me. "It's time to cheers, Janie." He motioned toward my almost empty wine glass. I shook my head. "Time to cheers, Janie," he insisted. 

"You sure you aren't going to drop your glass again?" I teased.

"Oh, shut it, you," he said, but he laughed and tugged me close to him. I almost thought he was going to give my head a noogie.

He drank all the wine out of his glass before raising it. "To Jane Cavendish, Simon & Schuester Editorial Assistant."

*

I started on a Wednesday and I did little editing in my editorial position. But Helen, one of the editors, gave me old drafts they hadn't published and the book and told me to pick all the differences out and she would be quizzing me on it the next day. I went out drinking with Lee and Georgia and came in hungover the next day. Helen said I was the first editorial assistant she had that didn't fall for the quiz prank. That endeared her to me and she became my mentor.

Alex was off doing interviews about virginity for the Virgin Fest and I had never been more thankful I didn't lose my virginity to him. I used to wish that and tell Stacey when assuring her not to lose it so young. But it's probably best since I'd associate the time I lost my virginity with an interviewer from AXS Uncut asking Alex to name virgins.

I had moved back in with Georgia and her new girlfriend, Kyle, who was always a sweetheart, even if she didn't do the dishes. They weren't the annoying kind of couple to live with. They weren't loud and I never felt like the third wheel around them. It was easy for my mind to drift to Alex. I would relive the way Black Box felt. While the majority of it felt like a vacation, at its core, we were coming home each night together. The home is what we lacked on the road and the togetherness is what we lacked at home. I just thought of him being in my bed, sleeping. I always liked the way he looked sleeping.

Alex called more than he did on the last tour. I guess he had learned a lesson. Being in North America was a bit easier than when he'd been in the Eastern Hemisphere since he was only 6 hours behind. He'd call me when I got off work before he'd perform his concert and we would talk of the monotony of my day. A couple of hours later, usually while I was sleeping, he'd text me about how the concert went. It was usually only one word: "Good." "Great." "Best." "Sucked." "Wanker." "Drunk." 

We had fallen into a pattern and although it seemed dull, it was successful. My heart still ached and sometimes the sight of Georgia and Kyle made me want to stick my head in the oven, but he was there when I needed him, even though he couldn't be here.

Working felt comfortable and, for once, I eased into that comfort. I got after-work drinks with editors and fellow editorial assistants. I'd joke around with superiors at work and I'd go home to Georgia and Kyle, who had made dinner for me. Georgia was working various gigs, but still heavily focusing on poetry. Kyle worked as a set developer, which meant our living room looked like a craft store had exploded. I didn't mind. I spent most of my off-time in my room and would only venture to the living room when we watched TV together.

However, when the North American leg finished at the beginning of October, Alex dropped by, and with a clicking of his tongue and the shaking of his head, he said, "Oh, Janie. You've got glitter everywhere." He said this in front of Kyle, so I hit the back of his head and dragged him to my bedroom.

Alex's stay at our flat during October was never agreed upon, he just showed up and I'd never turn him away. A week in, however, Georgia asked me when it was just the two of us in our kitchen, early in the morning before I headed off to work, "So, is he like living with us now?"

I shrugged. "No. I mean, he'll be back on the road before the end of the month."

"How do you feel about that?" What a good therapist she would be.

"Better than last time. I'm occupied now. I don't have to worry about lying around all the time thinking of him."

"You're a big girl now, Cavendish. But if he stays past a month, he will have to pay rent."

I laughed out loud. "I doubt he'll be living here with us."

"All I’m saying is rich rockstar can pitch in on groceries."

I told Alex of this conversation and he took me to the store to point out all of Georgia's favourite food goodies and bought them for her. Georgia felt bad after that until she had Jelly Babies. Then, she insisted Alex buy groceries every week.

On Alex's last night at the flat, he bought takeaway for everyone and watched I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here! with us. Several jokes were made about Alex doing the show, but I don't think Alex could eat a bug or be stuck with Katie Hopkins for a month. After dinner, Georgia and Kyle left for a "late-night poetry reading" or more likely avoid-the-lovebirds game.

Alex and I showered, changed into pajamas, and brushed our teeth together. In two parentheses, curled to bookend one another, Alex brushed his hand down my side. I told him, "I hope you get a good tan in South America."

"I'm too pale for you, Janie?"

"Maybe your butt," I giggled. It was some form of drunk-in-love. I felt rush through me every time he looked at me. It was like taking a hit.

"Wish you could come with us," he said. He was sober in his tone but his eyes were glazed over.

"Me too, but I'm happy here. I love my job and it sucks to not be with you but—"

He smiled—beamed bright and overwhelming. "But you're happy." He curled into me. My manners had transferred to him as he curled his arms around me and dug his face into my neck. "I'll be back for a week in November."

"And you'd come back here?" I questioned. There was a touch of uncertainty in everything we did that year, mostly because we had never even said we were back together and the other part was the reason for our break-up.

Alex lifted his head, his smile still showing. "Yeah." He sounded so happy and sunny. It was a cocoon of bliss. The young love I had always wanted. His fingers traced over my shoulder, making little finger drawings. His eyes looked down on his creation, avoiding my eyes. "And then we've got two shows here in December and then that last show in Manchester, which I thought maybe you could take off work and come up for. It's on a Monday so understandable if you can't."

I smiled at him but I'm unsure if he saw it due to his shy gaze dodging my face. "I'll try my best. I'll definitely be at the London ones."

His face was aglow but attentive to his finger tracing. "And then I was thinking, maybe—I don't know—maybe I'd come back to London."

I lightly chuckled. "You're not banned from the city. You're always welcome here. Georgia and Kyle like you a lot."

"I like them too but I was thinking we could stay somewhere else."

"What? Like a hotel?"

He finally looked me in the eye. "No, maybe we move in together. Like, get our own place. Maybe. It was just a thought."

It pleased me to no end. The thought wrapped its way around me the first time we slept together and over three years later to encounter the reality of it, I couldn't believe it. "A flat for just the two of us?"

"Yeah. I know you like it here but maybe we could find somewhere that I'm not finding specks of glitter all over my clothes."

I giggled all over him. "Yeah, yeah. I'd like that too. I'd like anywhere as long as you're there."

Alex shook his head with a big smile like he couldn't believe it. He hugged me, kissing my cheek, and then...then we did other stuff, you know.

*

People have asked me if Alex plays songs for me. They've imagined a world in which Alex sings me a lullaby every night. And I guess the answer is "yes" but I'd say more of a "sort of" situation. Alex would often strum his guitar to me but not in a dedicative format. It was something he would have done if I was there or if I wasn't. So, I would say he never did it for me.

Except once.

He was back in London and he had arrived late the night before. I was in my jammies and my slippers when he arrived and he made fun of me for my pajama pants that had Christmas elves printed on them. 

I was waiting on my bed for him to return from the bathroom. He came back, chilly from the lack of heating; Georgia and I weren't turning it on again this winter. He paced around my room before he asked, "Can I play you something?"

I furrowed my brows. "Like a song?"

He nodded and picked up his guitar. "I'm gonna do it on Radio 2 tomorrow. Like a little teaser for what's to come."

"So, this is a song for the next album?"

He shrugged. "Maybe." We never talked about the next thing, which was a problem and not a good choice for our reunited relationship.

Alex adjusted his guitar on his lap and sat in front of me, playing "Fire and the Thud" to me. He had never been that overtly romantic in a song before. Songs on the previous two albums never felt like love songs, but rather songs of longing or infatuation. But it felt like he had written this song for me as he played it for me. 

It would be one of the sweetest things anybody has ever done for me if he didn't go on to do even more songs for me. Not to brag or anything.

After he put his guitar down, I curled my arms around his neck and yanked him down with me to lay back on the bed. "You like it?"

"Loved it. I love everything you write."

"Yeah, but you really loved this one right?"

"Sure."

*

A few weeks later, when Alex and I returned from the final show of the Favourite Worst Nightmare tour, we moved into a new flat. Together. I had picked the flat out. Alex said whatever I liked he'll like and I wasn't going to argue being the sole picker. 

We moved in at a record speed, mainly because I had very little stuff and Alex had nothing, everything still back home in his childhood bedroom. My parents had officially moved down to Bath and I had received scathing phone calls from Stacey. I still feel sorry for that poor teenage girl.

Alex and I got a studio, which I liked because it felt artsy and a total adult thing to share a studio with your boyfriend. Later, it would be the start of many fights between Alex and me because I never had any privacy.

We had our bed in one corner, the kitchen in the other, and a small bathroom down the hall. Plus, it was in Clerkenwell, which was closer to work. We had his record player on the floor and a shared dresser. It was a greater act of love than sex or writing songs. It was his things mixed with mine.

We weren't there for very long. We each went back to our family's homes for Christmas, which suddenly was no longer the same area. Our time apart was short and when we returned we cleaned up the rest of our shared apartment and decided to have a New Year's Eve party.

It was wild debauchery from start to finish. Though we provided liquor, it seemed like every guest came with their own stash. I hadn't realized how many friends Alex had in London. His number of guests heavily outweighed mine but it didn't have much of an issue. Everything was communal and it was truly a night where everyone seemed free. Maybe it was the New Year's part or maybe it was being in the start of our early 20s. When I look back on this time, I forget how young I was. 17 and slutting up the streets at Barnsley and how in 4 years, I had obtained an establishing job and lived in London with my boyfriend. It was a dream book experience and like most things it was a small portion of our lives. But I felt straight out of a movie with this ending to the year I had received. 

Katie and I hid in a corner to talk close together to avoid all the noise. We shared a drink and both drowned in heavy alcohol consumption but we loved each other very much and I knew we'd be friends forever (I was very drunk when I thought this and slurred this to her but time has held this statement to be true. Drunk words are sober futures). "I'm going to marry him," I told her. We were watching Jamie attempt to throw Alex over his shoulder, fireman-style. Alex was a sweet ragdoll, laughing about and swaying.

Jamie was the loyal rescuer. "I'm going to marry him too," she slurred back to me. "We'd be like band sisters-in-law."

"Aw," I cooed. "I don't have a sister-in-law." (I mean, I do, my brother's wife, but I was referring more to Alex being an only child and I was wildly drunk. Forgive me, Cecilia).

"Then I can be yours!"

Before midnight, only a minute or so before, Alex and I huddled up in the kitchen with our closest friends of the bunch. Matt and Jamie were arguing about who had drunk more and we all watched on laughing. I was burrowed under Alex's arm. He was the cave I chose to hibernate in this winter.

"Don't forget the beer you had before coming here," Alex egged Matt on.

"Yes! And the beer I had 'fore coming here!" Matt sloppily shouted to Jamie. 

I pulled on Alex's hand he had thrown over me. "Don't they know I'm the drunkest?"

Alex chuckled. "Yes, with that breath you probably are." He was quite sober compared to the rest of us. Mostly because he knew how drunk I would be getting and somebody had to make sure our new place didn't get destroyed. 

I pulled back, offended. "It is not that bad."

"Yes, it is," he laughed.

"So bad you won't kiss me at midnight?" I hung off of him. You'd think we were in some basement in Wakefield.

He moved his hand down to the arch of my back to steady me. "I could never not kiss you."

My eyes snapped over to him, and I raised my eyebrows with a smirk. "Really? I don't recall that being the truth."

He laughed again. "Fair enough." But then he leaned in and kissed me until way after midnight, making out in the kitchen. It was disgusting and I loved the whole thing.

Nick knocked into us as he moved through the kitchen. "I'd tell you to get a room but we're all in it." He laughed, pleased with his joke, and moved to grab another beer.

Later in the evening, Nick threw up on our bed. Nick was the drunkest. 

Somewhere around one in the morning, I sat on Alex's lap and his arms were around me, holding me close to him as I talked to Georgia on one side of the couch and Alex talked to Miles on the other side of the couch. We held separate conversations about separate lives but he held me to him and he held me tight.

*

a/n: sigh, this is all i can think about writing as of late. i am a series girl after all.

[dullgecko]

I know you said baby Riz stays in the bird cage until he turns back, but after your last response I’m now imagining that in his kit brain Fabian now means food and safety to him, something that he’s desperate for after 4 days.

He keeps trying to reach through the bars and grab whatever part of Fabian he can and at one point when Fabian absolutely HAS to leave him alone (it’s been 4 days of non stop running around leviathan, they all desperately need a shower and sleep).

As soon as he’s out of sight Riz just lets out the most heartbreaking, high pictured wailing goblin kit noise and Fabian can’t help it he rushes over and without even realising it he’s undone the cage and is now cradling the goblin desperately checking him for signs of injury or distress.

Riz doesn’t try to get away or even struggle instead just stares at Fabian with huge watery yellow as high floppy ears hang down in sadness wondering why he was once again left alone.

Xx

They take the cage back to Mordred because they are /not/ leaving it unattended in Leviathan after the shitty few days they've had (and the room has NO windows or bolt holes just in case). Fig is left in charge of watching the cage while Ayda prepares to reverse the spell so that everyone else can go get cleaned up.

The INSTANT Fabian leaves the room Riz starts wailing and trying grab for him through the bars and Fabian cracks instantly. Plans for a shower and food abandoned because he can't leave the room without the crying starting again. He manages to escape finally when Riz calms down and falls asleep but he has to take off his shirt to put him back in the cage because baby goblins cling using CLAWS.

[kindaasrikal]

Do you think Cole used to help Nya with feeling comfortable in her own skin again and feeling flesh and bones, as well as acting alive again, whilst also helping her keep her form and be more conscious and sure of it after merging with the sea, simply because he gets it?

Ghost Cole you will not be forgotten.

[the-kipsabian]

wrestling fic writers!!

i have decided to be the change i wanna see, so lets do a nice little thing for each other, as a community full of incredible and talented writers. yes this is writer specific only, but thats cause thats where the main problem of people not interacting with creative works lies in this fandom as far as i can tell and have seen people talking about it especially in the last couple of months

if you read this, please add links to your written works. it can be just a single fic youre really proud of, your writing blog, your writing tag, your ao3 account, anything where your works can be found

and if you leave your link here, PLEASE check out someone else that has left their works, and interact with them. leave them a comment, even just a kudos, REBLOG their fic, etc. interacting is the keyword i want to emphasize here, along with building a sort of a masterpost of where to find people writing in this fandom

and if you are not a writer, youre still highly encouraged to interact with this post and share it and show love to the writers in this fandom, obviously!! i think that should go without saying, but adding it in anyways

a bit more about my vision and resources and such under the read more, but thats the gist of it. happy linking and please be kind and supportive to each other!! 💜

nobody is too big or too small to add their things on this list. if you write and post anything in this fandom whatsoever, be it fics or drabbles or headcanons, any companies or any kind of ships or reader inserts or any content whatsoever no matter how 'dead dove dont eat' or hell even if its just meta, we welcome all here and nobody can say that one thing is less valid than another. just please tag your content accordingly, especially if theres content warnings, and feel free to mention what you write, who you write, any info you wish to leave that would help people before they click on your links. but even so, that should not and hopefully will not deter people from interacting, no matter what it is. someones trash is another ones treasure, i promise you

and unless the amount gets really overwhelming, im personally going to be checking out everyone that leaves something here. unless it squeaks me out, but even then, i'll spread the word. and i just wish as many people as possible will do the same, and not just use this as a potential board to only get eyes on their stuff. ofc thats also the point, but you should give as much, if not more, than you get. we need to be kind and supportive of one another (besides, from personal experience, if you show love to someone else, they are more likely to do it back than without you taking the first step, so... pay it forward)

as for resources, heres a few links that should be helpful in leaving comments and feedback. of course everyone does their own thing and no comment is too big or too small to leave, but for those who need them. if you have anything you'd like added to this list, dont hesitate to get in touch or drop it in the post yourself!!

101 comment starters

ao3 floating comment box

kudos html

dont know how to comment? easy solutions

a quick hot guide to commenting (by yours truly)

an overall guide to appreciating fanfic writers

and just in general.. leave people comments. leave them asks about their projects. just go over and gush about their work. i know it sounds embarrassing but writers love nothing more than to hear that someone likes what they are doing. if you find a fic that hasnt been updated in forever, comment on it. it might just be the spark the author needs to continue. while kudos and likes are nice, and just as valuable to some, its definitely in the words the people leave for them that matter the most. im not saying this to put pressure on anyone, its just how it is, and i feel like unless people are writers themselves, and even then sometimes, thats just hard to grasp, especially if the writer is a smaller and less popular one who doesnt get a lot of traffic in the first place

i think thats all. just be nice and considered to everyone, reblog peoples works, this post with others add ons and so forth. and if i find anyone talking shit here or at other writers for something they share, you'll be blocked and im probably taking your kneecaps. be fucking nice. we are all struggling here and we need to stick together

happy sharing and commenting 💜💜

[enhanced-operatives-division]

Junicrane/Starstruck Ramble

I will not be brief, all under the cut

To clear some things right off the bat:

No corpse, no proof with Juniper. Obligatory this is set in a canon where he's alive and adjacent to the agency in some way.

Reggie & Juniper are just gay to me, but I don't mind any interpretation of their sexuality

The games are set in 1967/68 to me (based on a couple bits in game) which is before it was legal to be gay in America at least (1971), which is relevant to how I interpret canon as being somewhat grounded in reality, despite unrealistic elements.

This is just an insane amount of headcanons/elements of and AU all culminated into one post. I will talk about some headcanons like they're just facts because they are established in my head, and it saves me over explaining literally everything, however I will explain some parts a little bit for clarity.

Alright. Actual beginning of the ramble:

Juniper is a character to me who had gotten so lost in his job as an actor and a social presence that in the end his whole life revolved around that 'role'. Because of this, by the time he's put into the situation where he's around the Agency, he basically knows nothing about himself, though he doesn't realise at first. Furthermore, what little identity he had has changed in so many ways. He's no longer a beloved famous actor in the prominence of public light, he's legally dead and he tarnished his career just before he was supposed to die, with the bonus of that making him lose the majority of his estate. From that, he also has horrific facial scarring from the electrical burns from literally having his face fried. I believe a friend of mine made a post about this a while ago (I also think they were the first to think it up also), but, to me, Juniper has a permanent trimmer in his right arm (aka his dominant hand) from the electrical current and it is messing with his nervous system.

All in all, he's not doing great, but he's too proud to admit that he's not doing great, because if anything, what's left of his ego is all he has as a defense since he's deep in unfamiliar water.

Before ending up around the agency (I have multiple interpretations of this, so I'm just going to bring it up generally), he'd never actually seen Reggie, and his only impression of him is a single voicemail, which was his only reference he had to later impersonate him. Juniper probably has very little feelings other than the ones he projects onto him because of Phoenix and that, at the very least, he's physically attracted to Reggie to some degree (that's like the beginning of how everything else would tumble into place in this sort of interpretation at least).

And on Crane's side? His feelings towards Juniper are probably very intense and muddled. On the one hand, he adores musical theatre, and that's his now ex-favourite actor. The thought of just casually being around him blows the bit of fanboy in him away at first because THAT'S the GUY, plus the inklings of a celebrity crush which still poke at him. And then there's the rational side of him, which knows Juniper has committed absolute atrocities on the side of Zoraxis, and hates him for that. Then there's how much Juniper comes off as an asshole at first because he refuses to cooperate with anything the Agency tried to put in place. He finds Juniper endlessly frustrating, and yet he's stuck working with him since, afterall, he's the one who knows the Agency's history with Juniper the best. I imagine him acting a lot like how he does IEYTD 1 around Juniper.

At this point, I'm just describing the pitch for a romcom.

I think the start of their relationship with one another largely started with Juniper trying to wind Crane up. It was a way of getting his attention, and I don't think Juniper knows why he's so dead set on that at first, because I don't think he realises he has a crush on 'this grump' at first. (I think that's actually the fun part about these two, because it's almost like a role reversal of the celebrity crush dynamic. This ex-big name actor has a TERRIBLE crush on an average joe and it is KILLING HIM.) But of course the Agency keeps them together because Juniper is at least conversing with Crane, so it's a start.

Through one way or another, they actually get talking casually, at least mildly at first. It takes Juniper a long time to fully deconstruct the wall he's built, and the thing is, Crane isn't the one trying to deconstruct it, at least at first, because yeah, Juniper realises if he wants Reggie to actually like him in any way, he can't keep winding him up. So they talk. Small talk at first, something rhythmic and almost easy to keep to a script. And over time that turns into actual conversations. Genuine ones in which Reggie rips out the occasional one of his jokes which Juniper is endlessly endeared about. The way he smiles just before he makes them, like he wants to chuckle at what he's about to say before he says it. That's probably when Juniper realised that he does have some vague crush on him, and that it wasn't going away.

This is what kickstarts John I can't-buy-you-things-to-impress-you-so-acts-of-service-it-is Juniper to do little things for him. It mostly starts off as him trying to make Reggie his tea how he likes it. However, the nerve damage in his arm makes that hard, as the weight of the kettle and trying to pour is hard all of a sudden. And he refuses to accept that, so he tries for a very long while. Long enough that Crane would go to investigate what was going on. And when he does see Juniper leaning over a cup with the kettle as he uneasily tries to pour it, and when Crane asks Juniper responds so matter-of-fact that his intention is nothing but genuine. And it catches Reggie off guard because Juniper hadn't done anything like that up to that point, and his very apparent vulnerability is so clearly on show.

It shifts something between them.

From that point on, conversations are longer, more familiar. Both of their attitudes soften, and Reggie makes more jokes. Juniper learns how to better use his left hand while strengthening his right back to a point where it could be used again. Slowly, they're both spending time with one another not because they have to, but just because they can. Little bits at first, not too far outside what they already were doing, but those little bits turned into long bits to a point where the other person's company was genuinely desirable.

As time passes, Juniper probably realises that he doesn't genuinely know much about himself or what hobbies he's into, because he never really had the time when he got big, and his home life in his youth wasn't bad, but it wasn't picturesque. I think Reggie would pick up on it, and absolutely try to introduce him to some things he's into. Some things stick, other things don't (corn husking very much stays Reggie's passion, and John will go with him sometimes because it's him, but it's not something he strongly cares for). Crane introduces him to a lot of music, and it's something that becomes a staple between them, with tracks they listen to more than others (tragically, I know relatively little about 60s music so I couldn't really say what). Occasionally they dance, never anything intense, think slow dancing, but the closeness is nice.

Through all of it, Juniper is battling the worst crush of his life, and he can't stand it, because I think he struggles to read people since he doesn't have anything like a script or a director to refer back to, so he has no idea if Reggie likes him back or if he's just desperate for that to be true. I think because of that any sort of confession between them would be incredibly raw, not only because of the time they live in making it hard for them to be truthful about how they love, but because it's a complete show of Juniper who's worked to be this better person. I don't exactly know how that would go, mainly because I don't have one set version of their dynamic, this post is just a generalisation of main consistent points.

Reggie does like him back, because he's gotten used to Juniper being just this guy, not a figure in the public eye, not a Zoraxis lackey, and not any sort of Agency operative (despite being under their care to some degree). He's someone he genuinely cares for, because they've given one another the time of day to learn one another, and I think because Reggie was a field agent, he was a lot better at reading Juniper than Juniper was at reading him. Eventually Juniper's company becomes something he could see around him for the rest of his life, and I think he accepts that he likes Juniper a lot more gracefully.

I think any affection directed at Juniper would at first be met with him feeling a little muddled. Reggie was a very physically affectionate person when he could be, and sure the initial flirting with one another came with the occasional little touches, but everything now was so deeply intentional. I also don't think Juniper would almost ever get over the novelty of being able to kiss him, or many other gestures, because it made the fact that they were together so very real, and it was great. I do think it comes easier to Reggie, and it's a big way of showing how much he cares, so it's important for Juniper to try and show it back because he knows how much it means to the other.

I like the idea of them eventually living with one another, too. I think Juniper would have always had a quiet little daydream of sorts where he does just live a domestic quiet life, and he can with Reggie (well, as close as they can get between the Agency and Zoraxis always being at odds), and he loves that, and he loves him, and it's immense.

I think they cook for one another a lot, it helps Juniper work on his dexterity in a controlled environment, which means a lot because it's a huge point of insecurity (that and his scars). He does improve, and Crane is proud of that and shows it and it's great. I also think they'd probably cook together too, because they can deal with being in the kitchen together and they work well with one another. It's probably a good way for them to unwind because over time they can do it in relative silence.

As I said before, I also think music is a staple in their household, and that Reggie listens to things on vinyl almost all of the time because he likes the background noise. Sometimes Juniper will catch him chuntering along to the music which he finds endlessly endearing. I wouldn't put it past his dramatic ass to also join in to fluster Reggie, but I also don't think Reggie would mind that terribly because Juniper has listened to the music enough to know the lyrics, and that's huge to him.

I don't think they are without rough patches, no relationship is, but I think the good part about them is that they're willing to talk about it (... eventually). They're used to long conversations, and while they're often less fun conversations, they're needed and they know that, and it works out.

Alright. I think I'm done for now. I haven't mentioned everything, but this definitely got the worst of it out of my system. If you ever want to hear any specific thoughts my ask box is open but other than that, behold my general dynamic for these two which has been festering in my head for years. I think they're great

[goldkirk]

Got my first meeting with a psychiatrist in over a year since the last one demanded details about trauma when I was visibly sweating and shaking! Let’s hope today goes much better and that I have the prefrontal cortex online enough to leave if necessary instead of tolerating that kind of thing again

[whattraintracks]

90s Raphael’s characterization between the first movie and the next two is interesting. Could make for a good fic.

I love Raph's characterisation across the 90s trilogy.

There are so many little things I could point out, but overall, I love that he's a little guy with big feelings! He doesn't always know what to do with them given he's a teenager with sensory issues and trauma. I love his strong convictions about right and wrong and justice and helping others and protecting his family and bystanders. I love watching this kid who spent fifteen years in isolation discover what he wants and fight for it.

Splinter tells him and his brothers their whole lives (as gently as possible) that the world above will never understand or accept them, but Raph carves out a place for himself anyway. He must have brought home so many strays growing up, and then he brings home three humans who change their lives. As he gets to know April, Casey, and Keno, he learns that he craves connection, a wider social circle than his family can offer. He wants people to know he exists. And we see how much he wants, but the price to have it is too steep. Because he can't reveal himself to the whole world and protect his family; he can't live in ancient Japan and have them, too. Despite so desperately wanting more, he chooses his family every time. I love when tmnt media and fandom explore these aspects of Raph.

My 90s fics tend to focus on how Raph is harmed by their conflict with the Foot Clan.

Sunset is my take on some of the missing hours between Raph's capture and rescue from Foot HQ.

Wrestling imagines how Raph might've broken down after the first two movies given everything he went through.

Thanks for the ask =)

[harvest-of-the-present]

me, shuffling cards in a rather desperate moment: just... why???

Dionysus: *throws cards that describe the situation in its different layers and how ones should work behind others to reach the goal another card symbolizes, which is exactly what I've been meaning to achieve*

me:

me: thank you but why so difficult-

[witherbythesword]

.