#I just get really passionate talking about how gender fucked butches can be

[yanderespamton78]

ive been kinda hesitant to make an actual post about this for a while because I don't want to start a fight or have people think I'm transphobic but no one else is talking about it and i need to SPEAK MY TRUTH. so. transmasc bive angers me more than anything else ever. Its sexist and dare i say misogynistic.

you guys could probably infer that a bit from the dni and how my friends keep sending me asks that just say "transmasc bive" but you still do not fully know why so i will tell you :3

quick disclaimer here!! i do not mind people headcanoning characters as trans!!! that woman is a transwoman? cool! that duck is transmasc? why not!! the fallen god posessing a rock is transmasc? its not hurting anyone!! but that masculine woman is not a man FUCK OFF. the masc woman can be a trans woman but im not allowing transmasc.

okay lets start off with my main point. how funny that people only tend to headcanon the masc woman character as a man. isnt that interesting. i have not once seen a transmasc split or STAT or mozelle. admittedly ive seen a transmasc melanie shoutout to that person but i have seen like 5 people who hc bive, the masc woman, as transmasc and one person who has headcanoned a femme character as transmasc.

fascinating isnt it. do you think shes just too masculine to be a woman? do you think a woman shouldnt have rights to her womanhood simply because she doesnt look feminine enough? because she does stereotypically "masculine" things like not caring about her appearance and not keeping on top of her hygiene? interesting.

id like to add something i really like about bive is the fact that shes a woman, because literally EVERY other batshit crazy character ive ever seen is a man. spamton, adrian pimiento, Adi Singh. honestly just look for any kinda insane character and theyll be a man 4/5. but someting i like about regretevator is when making characters the developers dont really think about gender and it means that characters of all genders are well written and entertaining and its great!!!!

and you could argue that there are plenty of butch woman characters in media, and you wouldnt be wrong. i could name plenty off the top of my head, but almost all masc woman characters are cool butch super strong super intimidating women. Susie Deltarune, Vi Arcane, Rosa B99, Undyne Undertale, yada yada. we need our butch loser representation please

and on a more personal note, I WANT A CHARACTER WHO IS MY GENDER!!! my gender identity is something very specific that i never have really gotten a grasp of, and ive definitely never had a character to compare it to. It can best be described as "boygirl thing" and that is more or less bive!!! and you could argue "oh im transmasc i want a character who is my gender" SHE CAN STILL BE TRANS!!! TRANSFEM PEOPEL EXIST!!! YOU WANT A TRANSMASC CHARACTER THEN CHOOSE A MAN CHARACTER TO MAKE TRANSMASC OR CHOOSE A TRANSMASC CHARACTER!!! GREGORIAH EXISTS???? BOOM GENDER RIGHT THERE TAKE HIM AND LEAVE BIVE ALONE!!

i am saying this as a masculine woman who gets misgendered daily!!! shocker! women can be women without being buff and cool or being feminine and pretty!!! who couldve guessed!!! women can be women when just being themself with short hair and trousers and baggy clothes!! ooooo gender non conformityyy scaarryyyy

okay thats it. this was probably a bit dramatic and a bit mean but this is a subject i feel very passionately about (both in the transmasc bive aspect and in the "women dont have to be feminine to be women" aspect.)

in conclusion: just make bive transfem. trans woman dont have to look like women either you know.

[scuderlia]

haircut!anon again: ok. wow. had to slam my phone down in my uni computer lab and wait until i could string together a coherent thought again. first off like au itself on back burner your MIND and the way you construct this narrative is INCREDIBLE and so raw adn true and pulling on the queer (as in deviant and as in gay) hair experince sooo deeply i feel soooooo deeply you are a magician. further. i was PICTURING max in braids and god fuck the tenderness of charles and max setting their mise en place and sitting together and braiding her hair before their prey comes in…. god. jesus. i can't stop re-reading the snippets. FUCK! sorry this isn't coherent thoughts after all. max and control and cutting charles' hair. fuck me uppp….

anon! i spent so long smiling like an idiot because of this ask, at this point you're basically my betrothed <3

but yeah, you get it. at the core of max and charles' relationship is truly their hounded devotion and acceptance of one another. the queer experience really is defined by those you hold close, and it's been interesting (for me) to try and thread that idea through this greater story about desire and hunger in a way that feels genuine. i've pulled on a lot of my personal experiences of being a young lesbian and being guarded about sexuality, but ultimately it all comes back to (like you mentioned) the idea of relinquishing some control and feeling comfortable enough with someone to let go of the safety of doing things alone.

i also love love love giving characters their own little rituals, and seeing as how max and charles both have a lot of emotional connections to their hair/haircuts/etc. the braids were an easy decision.

(more about max and her relationship to hair below the cut)

there's this really interesting article by Amelia Abraham titled 'What butch queer identity has to do with hair' that got put out by Dazed in 2022. it primarily covers a photography exhibition called Close Shave—which centers itself around butch haircuts and identity—but also goes into the cultural relevance of 'masc' hairstyles and their role in queer (mainly lesbian) expression.

i remembered and re-read it when i was in the early stages of fleshing-out max's character. i recommend the article to everyone, but especially people who are maybe looking to better understand the history of butch optics, and kind of where i'm coming from with some of max's characterization.

(see one of my favorite quotes from the article below)

While having short hair and identifying as butch don’t necessarily come as a pair, for butch people, haircuts can be transformational – getting your hair cut off brings you closer to your gender identity.

like I mentioned in the the answer to your previous ask, max's haircut kind of serves as a physical manifestation of her relationship with her father, and more specifically, how that relationship influences her feelings of shame (and eventually acceptance) towards her own sexuality.

part of the reason that max is so struck by charles saying she'd let her cut her hair is in large part because, for max, hair is incredibly representative of an individual's ability to control how others perceive and relate to them. by breaking the ritual with her mother, charles is essentially showing max that she not only finds comfort with her, but also trusts her enough to have her identity placed in her hands.

i could honestly talk about this forever... since body politics and queerness are things i'm just genuinely very passionate about... but i will save the innocent bystanders of this blog from having to read through all of that in one sitting.

(anyways, i'm so happy that people are as invested in this as i am... keep sending me long asks like this... if you couldn't already tell i'll take any opportunity to talk more about this au)

[carnalphenomena]

headcanons about rachel louis mack noah

FIRST GEN

LOUIS.

cis man. thought he was completely straight until he was 18 or 19. then he really leaned into not just exclusively fucking women. ezra haven's whole thing is an incredible turn-on.

extremely sexually active. does weird sex stuff with his buddies in hotels, louis' apartment, ezra's apartment. extremely open-minded but mostly sticks to his rough dom persona (unless he's with ezra or someone ezra adjacent - then he turns into a bratty little mess who badly needs to be tamed).

has never committed to any person for more than like, three months. took a long time to view sex as something more than just masturbation with a twist - then he got a lot better at it.

his mustache makes receiving oral sex from him a bit of a Trip, but he's very not bad at it - mostly through trial and error.

MACKENZIE.

cis woman. has never really doubted this about herself, but it was easy for her to wrap her head around cass and jm's gender non-conforming swagger because they were so confident and she never really knew them as anything else

realized her sexuality was not hetero from a very, very young age. in fact, liking men came up much later in life. women, more feminine people - her attraction to them has always made more sense to her.

mack herself is still quite feminine, however. not quite butch, not quite a complete femme either. some secret third thing. she definitely looks more femme around cass, though - cass can dress more edgy and carry themselves more intensely.

being poly was also something that just kind of made sense to her very quickly. when mack was younger, she saw her complete and utter queerness as a complete rejection of everything her father stood for, so she really leaned into that. now she's a lot more comfortable just being who she is because that's...who she is.

bla bla idris is homophobic bla bla cass and mack were always seen as Very Good Friends and mack is now very open about her relationships with cass and jm - very affectionate in public, quick to introduce both of them as her partners, etc.

definitely the switchiest of the three in the bedroom. loves having control and feeling powerful - which makes giving those things up so refreshing and such a turn on. likes really intense, passionate sex, even with people who are strictly sexual partners, friends with benefits, etc.

fucking loves oral sex - receiving, mostly, because she can be a bit indulgent like that.

NOAH.

probably one of the more straightforward of my muses. very masculine (despite his long hair and the fact that he's a sensitive tortured artist, which like, okay, are we really going to go there)

used to use his paintings to get people to sleep with him like in the titanic (ive never seen it)

cis man. bisexual. most likely monogamous, but i can also see him enjoying multiple partners and spreading his affections. can also see him engaging in relationship anarchy. who's to say!

very dominant but not rough or overbearing like louis, kieran, etc. more of a gentle dom, unless he's really into it - then he gets more intense and grabby. hates dirty talk, however.

deserves to get fucked in the ass more than he is currently getting fucked in the ass. i think if he got pegged he would see god. he's reluctant to give up that control though - he thinks so much of his appeal comes from his dominance and how much he loves topping.

SECOND GEN

RACHEL.

exploring gender identity and expression came naturally, especially considering who their parents are. knew they were gender non-conforming / non-binary from a young age. they/she pronouns mostly result from an ambivalence to the system writ large - rachel knows who they are and they don't really care whether you know it or not, too.

definitely more butch than anything else, but i don't see them strictly adhering to these very rigid classifications.

like mack, rachel realized their attraction to more feminine individuals before they realized they could also like men or more masculine individuals. having the capacity to do so was actually quite a surprise in her 20s. still, rachel vastly, vastly prefers women and more feminine individuals.

likes topping. thinks being a pillow princess or anything adjacent is downright shameful. gets really, really into sex like she's been worked up and frustrated for years. in reality, she can get laid pretty much whenever she wants, and she's not too good for some quick and dirty masturbation, especially in the shower after a godawful shift.

[fatsmyname]

this is probably gonna sound weird but ur blog is great and um. its great to see lgbt ppl who take gender how they want to including in ways some ppl think are contradictory. but he/him or he/they lesbians are super cool. y'all kinda inspiring. i worry less than i used to abt what cis ppl think of me or what my gender is supposed to be like. so thanks for being cool. sincerely a not lesbian he/they dude

Hey!!! Not weird at all and I really appreciate ur super kind words!!!

As a queer person I fully embrace queerness in every aspect of my life including my gender fucky identity. I feel like people get really confused when they see butches and masc folk teeter between two labels and are even enraged by this! Even other lgbt people get enraged by this!!! It’s really sad honestly and just shows how much these people continue to impose binaries on others.

There are lesbians who identify as ftm and lesbianism. There are lesbians who use the men’s bathroom and to other people in society, are seen as… men! And they like that! And I think that ambiguity really bothers people. Especially when we use he/him pronouns. I mostly resonate with butch elders who want to be seen as men but are lesbians. I feel like people get scared by that sentence because they think that just because everyone else sees you as a man, you are one. But it’s more nuanced than that. And, contrary to what most people think, it doesn’t drive other lesbians away from us! In fact I think it makes us more desirable and wanted by other lesbians. The butch4fem dynamic is a beautiful one and there have been plenty of those relationships that existed with the butch being literally known as the “man”.

Another thing I find super interesting (and relate a lot to as someone who is also butch4butch) is that butch4butch relationships and dynamics look a lot like gay male dynamics! And I think that’s so fucking neat. Our innate masculinity and attraction to others masculinity is so strong that we perceive our love and sexuality similar to that of gay men. In fact there are butches who enter sexual relationships with transmen because of this! Does this make the butch any less of a lesbian? No! And it doesn’t invalidate the transman’s identity either. If you want to read more about this particular dynamic (because I find that it confuses people more than anything) please read Of Catamites and Kings by Gayle Rubin. It’s a great read and one that I wish more people had access to.

Sorry this is long haha but yes!!! You should worry less about what people think of your gender and just do whatever the hell makes you feel comfortable! That’s what I’ve been doing and it’s soooo liberating. There are so many intersections of the queer experience and I think we’d be horrible to continue to squeeze obviously queer people into more binaries just because people have a strict idea of what gender or lesbianism should look like (among other things too, not just lesbianism)! N ee way if u read all this thanks lol i love u

[url-is-url]

Can you please talk more about valerie red huntress symbiote au ? Just general thoughts on how it would work ? I know barely anything about Venom but imagine valerie would get the symbiote from Axion Labs.

OH GOD OH NO OH GOD OH NO I DIDN'T MEAN FOR THIS TO BE AN AU I JUST WANTED TO DUNK ON BUTCH HARTMAN AND HIS PLAGIARIZING HABIT AND MY VENOM OBSESSION

First of all: I will be referring to the symbiote as Venom, a la movie canon, because I have a deep and passionate loathing for the past three years of Venom comic canon, do not get me started on this because I will not be able to stop.

Okay firstly: YES Venom totally comes from Axion Labs. I have not watched Danny Phantom since it was actually airing so I'm definitely checking the ole wiki as I write this but apparently Axion Labs was its own thing and then VladCo bought it? Idk how Venom got to Axion Labs, but it got there and the scientists were like "idk wtf to do with this" and just sorta. Put it in a drawer with a label that says "weird space goo" and forgot about it. (That is VERY MUCH a thing that happens in science labs you would not BELIEVE the shit you can run into if you start poking around old storage objects in labs.) And then VladCo buys Axion, and Intern Valerie is helping organize things and she finds the jar of lost space goo. Idk what happens after that; maybe she determines it's some flavor of alive and passes it to Vlad under the assumption that it's a Weird Space Ghost, maybe she drops it and Venom escapes and bonds with her. I don't know, the details of how they get together aren't important IMO, the important part is the interactions between symbiote and host.

Valerie is still in high school and this is very important to me. Depending on what you do and don't consider canon, Venom is between several thousand and six hundred million years old. Depending on what you do and don't consider canon, Venom has BEEN TO EARTH BEFORE! I am of the opinion that Venom is actually extremely knowledgeable about physics and chemistry and other like, not-Earth-specific things, because they're old as balls. So imagine you're in high school and you're in AP World learning about the Vikings, and you hear this bass-ass voice in your head go actually it wasn't like that at all and suddenly you're RELIVING some other creature's memories of fighting Vikings. Or you're in high school and you're in biology watching a video about octopus camouflage and this voice in your head goes we can do that too and your arm turns "invisible". Imagine you're on your period and you ran out of Advil and you think to yourself "I swear to god if this lunch line doesn't move faster I'm gonna eat the kid in front of me" and the voice in your head goes no, eat the one behind you, he looks juicier LIKE WHAT THE FUCK

Valerie and Venom get together way after Danny becomes Phantom. So Valerie has this huge crush on Danny, but then she also hates Phantom's guts. Venom has senses that humans don't so they can tell that Fenton is Phantom, and Venom regrets their life choices re:bonding with a human, because oh no, these bald apes are so fucking stupid. Every day Venom considers informing Valerie about the secret identity thing. Every day Venom remembers that Phantom's ghostly wail is extremely deadly to them specifically. Every day Venom does not tell Valerie about the secret identity thing.

Most of town is probably at least a little convinced that the huntress is some sort of weirdass ghost, because humans aren't that big. I headcanon Valerie as being short but muscular as hell, around 5'4". Venomized Valerie? Pushing 7' and built like Athena. People assuming she's a weirdass ghost pisses Valerie off SO MUCH, and it pisses Venom off too though for different reasons (I AM TAKING VERY GOOD CARE OF MY HOST SHE IS ONE HUNDRED PERCENT ALIVE I AM INSULTED BY YOUR INSINUATIONS THAT SHE IS IN ANY WAY DECEASED)

Oh hey wait, if Venom can tell the Dannys are the same person, Venom can also tell that the Vlads are the same person. Vlad has never demonstrated anything along the lines of a ghostly wail, so his secret identity is NOT safe and Venom tells Valerie what's what. Valerie is so disturbed, but then she decides to give Vlad the Homophobic Rich Grandpa treatment and pretends to go along with what he wants so she can get that sweet sweet tech, then she turns right around and does whatever she wants when he's not looking. Maybe Venom (as in the big lady) and Red Huntress are assumed to be two different people because Valerie works for Vlad as Red but then does her own stuff as Venom?

Carnage. Oh god, Carnage. So, the Carnage symbiote (often referred to as Red, I love a coinkydink) is Venom's offspring. In the comics, it is possible for a host to experience sympathetic morning sickness and shit in advance of the symbiote spawning. Please imagine you're in high school in a small town, and you are nauseous as fuck and having weird dreams and cannot eat enough chocolate (chocolate is a good source of phenylthylamine, which is a neurotransmitter that symbiotes need to eat) and one of your shitty high school friends goes "omg are you PREGNANT" and you know that whatever you say, everybody in the universe is gonna hear it. You've never had sex in your life but you still have a moment of panic like OH GOD AM I THE NEXT VIRGIN MARY SHIT and then your body roommate is like actually, this one's on me. DO YOU LOSE YOUR WHOLE GODDAMN MIND OR DO YOU LOSE YOUR WHOLE GODDAMN MIND. "wait Venom I thought you were a guy" "why would you think that i have a concept of gender" "...your voice is deep?" "humans are so fucking stupid"

The big weaknesses of symbiotes are fire and certain frequencies of sound. Venom is scared shitless of Ember McClain, send tweet.

There's a re-appearing ghost who hosted Venom when they were alive. This could be a canon character or an OC. Either way, the interactions maximally play up the "awkward ex" thing.

A better source of the phenylthylamine Venom needs to live is BRAINS. This is now a ghost hunger AU also and Valerie catches Phantom noshing on like, a ghost deer or something. Cue Venom SEE IF HE CAN DO IT WHY CAN'T WE

Hey Venom's an alien who is old as balls, it's called the INFINITE REALMS, there's probably LOTS of alien ghosts with opinions about symbiotes

One day Phantom gets hurt really badly and Valerie feels bad enough to go save his ass (if only because the only person that gets to kill Phantom is HER tyvm). Venom is very Exasperated Parent about all of these fool human children so they just. Pick him up by the scruff like a disgruntled kitten and drag him to safety.

Venom has a very, very low opinion of the Doctors Fenton. Venom knows one (1) thing about humans and that is Protecc The Children and these morons are continuously shooting at their own child. The only reason Venom has not eaten them is because a) Valerie insists that humans are off menu and b) Danny's ghostly wail is scary. Also the only competent ghost hunters in this town seem to be Sam, Tucker, Danny, Jazz, and Valerie. Valerie why are the only competent people in this town children. "i wish i FUCKIN KNEW"

I'm now headcanoning that Valerie has a Very Southern grandma or auntie just to have an excuse for Venom to learn Very Southern expressions. Please imagine doing something stupid and the alien that lives in your brain stem just goes "oh bless your heart". Please imagine that some asshole yoinked the whole town into the Ghost Zone again and the alien that lives in your brain stem is like "dear jesus give me patience" I just think that would be funny.

[cuntess-carmilla]

The thing about the toothpaste flag (that shitty recolor of the lesbian flag) that some mostly white gay men are claiming as their own, is white gay men act like they're the most creative and innovative people in the world and then pull shit like that, always on the backs of wlw, trans women, and gay moc.

(Almost?) all the actually innovative and amazing things coming from "gay culture" (quote marks because there’s no UNIVERSAL gay culture; race, ethnicity and location change things) either comes from gays of color, or actually comes from trans women (also often trans woc at that, especially Black ones), and tbh many times also Jewish gays and trans women regardless of their race.

Then there's how much these white (and often gentile) gay men straight up steal the creative efforts of wlw or demand that the creative efforts by us include THEM, as if they ever did the same for us and as if we ever demanded the same from them. Such as the dudes who DEMAND angrily that things created by wlw MUST include them too. Like, these dudes demand from independent online wlw artists (such as my friend @orquidia) to draw mlm content when they're artists who've expressed, time and time again, that they make SAPPHIC art. Like, my friend Iv is bi, drawing m/f romance art is more personally relevant to them than content about only dudes lol.

But no, we must ALWAYS cater to them. When have they catered to us, though? Imagine if we went around behaving the same way.

The male entitlement is so bad that when wlw started making fucking moodboards for fun FOR OURSELVES dudes were ENRAGED that WE weren't making moodboards for THEM as if it was so fucking hard to just fucking copy our ideas themselves as they always do. But no, WE somehow were responsible that there weren’t fucking moodboards for them! Because they still see women as owing our labor to them! Incredible.

Same with shit like when the reclamation of "sapphic" became more popular and they were like QUICK, WE NEED OUR VERSION OF THAT and made up "achillean" which makes no fucking sense since it lacks the historical value of "sapphic" and Achilles wasn't even a real person. "Sapphic" was originally used to medicalize and brutalize wlw. WE didn't make up "sapphic", cishets made it up to insult and marginalize us and we reclaimed it centuries after it stopped being commonly used in that way. Not to mention, Sappho was an actual real fucking person. "Achillean" is literally QUICK, WE NEED A NEW SLUR THAT MIRRORS THE GIRLS'.

There's a reason most of the dudes using it are white. This obsession modern and usually younger AND WHITE gay and bi dudes have with being a perfect "male reflection" of lesbians and bi women is soooooo white gender binary.

You don't have to be! You can and SHOULD develop your own cultural elements independent from us, or if you’re gonna create things that have relation to us, it should be an organic result of you BEING IN COMMUNITY WITH US, like femme/butch was (which regarding its use in the ballroom scene, happened in Black and Latine LGBT communities, which isn’t surprising as LGBT poc tend to be less stupidly separatist).

But so many of you refuse to even consider us wlw as Actually Gay, even those of us who're lesbians (by the way, you shouldn't do it to bi women either), let alone to consider us as a valuable and important part of your communities. If you bitches thought of us as Actually Gay you wouldn’t constantly accuse wlw who so much as accidentally glance upon mlm media, of fetishizing you EVEN WHEN IT COMES TO LESBIANS LIKE COME ON, WE DON’T WANT YOU (let me repeat, still not ok and still stupid regarding bi women, they can and do relate to gay content in general because they’re a type of gay woman!).

You go so far to not consider us Actually Gay that you act like we face no violence, like corrective rape is "just" because we're women and has nothing to do with homophobia and thus it doesn't count as homophobic violence so wlw are still “privileged”, as if misogyny wasn't an INTENSIFIER of homophobia. Don’t get me started on how you all act regarding ~representation~, or, ykw? I will start.

You all act like there's more wlw representation in media than mlm representation when 1) that's verifyingly false, and ours mostly happens in fucking cartoons only, 2) the wlw rep in mainstream media is MOSTLY CREATED BY WLW OURSELVES after fighting for DECADES for our content to not be censored, both as creators and as fans. And you act like it's a privilege? We fought so hard to get scraps, and that’s a privilege to you. You disregard even our most defanged activism and believe we were gifted wlw rep because society loves us THAT MUCH in your eyes! We didn’t FIGHT for it, it was handed to us on a silver plate.

Did you see how much we campaigned for Harley Quinn (questionable a show as it is) to get a 3rd season just so we could actually see Harley and Ivy be an established couple, after the comics 100% erased their relationship, and you call that we got it PRIVILEGED? HQ is one of DC’s most successful pieces of media and according to the creators themselves it’s actually very fucking cheap to make, and it was still not certain that we were going to get a 3rd fucking season when, had it been a show just as profitable with a straight main couple you KNOW that would’ve been a given.

Even you boys' "analysis" of why we get to see wlw in cartoons is so stupid and exemplifies how much you refuse to understand our realities and struggles. It almost only happens in cartoons because love between women is never taken seriously and neither is animation, as it’s associated with kids.

You think we get it in animation because straight men get horny for us (which, by the way, they don’t when our love and lust are portrayed in a SERIOUS humane way, only when it’s a performance for men), when it happens in media that's mostly aimed at KIDS. Korrasami and HQ are the only examples I can think of that weren’t intended for a super young audience, but you fix your mouths saying it’s because we’re sexy to straight men. Do you REALLY think it happens in mostly children’s media because of our sexualization by men? Do you realize that would mean we’re being shown to children as a sexual product? Don’t be stupid. Other than Harlivy in HQ, none of them are shown doing more than kissing and holding hands.

If it were true that we get wlw in cartoons because of our fetishization by straight men, it would also mean that our fetishization IS A PRIVILEGE, because it'd be getting us humane and complex representation. Do you hear yourselves? Our fetishization gets us RAPED AND BATTERED. Gee, for people who got so passionate about being fetishized only after wlw talking about our own fetishization that also has way more dire material repercussions than annoying fujoshis started to get traction you sure do seem to think that when fetishization happens to YOU it’s a crime against humanity but when it happens to wlw it’s a fucking privilege.

Only reason we've gotten that representation is, again, because we've campaigned for DECADES to get ANYTHING, and some of us made the work of basically infiltrating the creative field and made + pushed for our content to be published/released with tooth and nail. It wasn't GIVEN to us, we FOUGHT for it.

Anyway, back to how white gay men (often the gentile ones) constantly take from us (gays of color, wlw, trans women, Jewish gays) but then turn around and think they’re the pinnacle of culture; I'd just fucking like it if you could at least treat us with basic respect and recognize our amazing creativity if you're gonna steal our creative labor constantly, OR if you refuse to do that, THEN MAKE YOUR OWN FFS.

Pick ONE struggle!

[got2ghost-archive]

ten ships and why!! I was tagged by @alienfuckeronmain AHH THANK U I LOVE TALKING ABT THIS SHIT

Half of my list is childhood best friends to lovers let's GOOOO

1. drarry

*deep shuddering inhale* I have thought abt draco and harry being foils before I even reached double digits. they could have saved each other and had so much potential to even just be FRIENDS!! if j*r wasn't like that, then she could have actually made a meaningful impact on draco early on. abt how you don't have to be your parents! and how to heal!! anyway I love them any way shape or form. I love reading dark gritty fucked up stories about them just as much as I love reading domestic silly fluffy stuff for them. draco would NOT put up with harry's bullshit and harry would NOT go easy on draco either but they're ultimately just two lonely boys who grew up in fucked up households who have much more in common than they realize!!! LIKE!!

2. wangxian

yes they're a new one but God their love extends so deeply. yes they r basically Chinese fantasy Kirk/spock!!

lan zhan is so in love w wei ying and is so devoted and everything he does is action or acts of service which js very much my love language!! but he also feels a deep sense of obligation to the rules and codes he's learned?? and wei ying loves lan zhan but it takes him a long time to accept it bc he DOESNT BELIEVE HE IS DESERVIG OF LOVE despite being so GOOD. AND THEY NEVER TALK TO EACH OTHER OR COMMUNICATE THEY WAY THEY SHOULD!!!! AND HE DIES and LAN ZHAN IS JUST. REPENTENT FOR 16 YEARS AND RAISES HIS SON AND IS SO INCREDIBLY SAD AND MISERABLE BUT THEN WWX comes BACK TO LIFE and they get to try again AND THEY GET TO BE HAPPY???? ANYWAY ACTS OF DEVOTION I!!!!

3. soriku

I've genuinely thought abt them since I was TEN when the first kingdom hearts game came out but it didn't solidify until KH2 came out when sora has to search for riku the entire game and when he finally does RIKU DOESNT EVEN LOOK LIKE HIMSELF BUT SORA STILL RECOGNIZES HIM ANYWAY AND HOLDS HIS HAND AND CRIES. THAT SHIT MADE ME GAY! I had never witnessed such tenderness and they are so inherently queer and subtle that it's one of the first stories I ever saw myself in. on top of that I also read that doujinshi that I consider Canon and it's so!! childhood best friends! with big complicated feelings of jealousy and betrayal and possessiveness when you start to grow apart from the person you care about the most!! and in game they're slowly... circling to become end game? the entire story revolves around them saving each other and RIKU LITERALLY CALLING SORA HIS MOST PRECIOUS PERSON? AHHHHHH

4. sterek

I will never forgive what the show did but the Fandom and the writing from that fandom is incredibly important to me. they're like my comfort pairing and I just love that Derek is sad and grumpy but it's because he's fucked up and needs to go to therapy and stiles is also kind of fucked up but happier and he's smart and beautiful and!!! they were obviously attracted to each other!! almost all of their stories involve CONSENT or Derek hale getting better slowly. they mean a lot to me bc my mom was dying while I clung to this fandom and wrote my grief fic and I always associate them with that time in my life. I could and did read like 30 stories abt Derek doing laundry and buying wooden spoons and trying to move on and be a healthier happier person.

5. taagnus

rarely have rare pairs but this is one of them and!!! look. I didn't ship them until the last two arcs of the show revealed that instead of only knowing each other for a few years and being idiots they in fact knew each other for 100 years+ and DIED A LOT together and saved each other. BUT COULDN'T REMEMBER IT YET THEY STILL KIND OF... FALL IN LOVE AGAIN? they balance each other so much. magnus is magnus - brave and GOOD. taako is so closed off, careful abt trusting people so when he acted on gut instinct to LITERALLY THROW HIS SOUL OUT OF HIS BODY TO SAVE MAGNUS I was hooked. I know that taako ends up w kravitz but bc we didn't get to see Krav much I couldn't grow attached to him? I love the thought of first love and exploring that - how it never goes away, really but you can still love other people!! plus! I love writing them as lesbians! they're butch/femme to me!

6. ruth/debbie

UGH. UGH!!!!! they're so obsessed with each other and it's so filled with repression and anger and betrayal thst has nothing to do with Ruth fucking her husband and everything to do with the trust of their friendship. it's such a complicated weird fucked up intense 'friendship' that I love to see and like!! sometimes my friendships w women FELT like that. the times I have felt the most hurt is when I lose a friend bc a part of me is in love w them in some way!! Ruth and Debbie are just. in love. though. and Ruth is never gonna admit it and she's gonna... be in a comp het relationship even tho she thinks Debbie is smart and sexy and she idolizes her GOD.

7. gene/finny

YES MOST OF MY PAIRINGS ARE SAD WHAT OF IT? I read this book as a sophomore in hs and I simply could not stop thinking abt how gay and in love they were. FIRST OF ALL THE metaphors!!!!!! gene as winter and finny as summer!! and how codependent and weird they were even tho finny KNEW gene broke his leg. he didn't want to believe it bc he WAS IN LOVE WITH HIM. THEY WENT ON A DATE TO THE BEACH? THE PINK SHIRT? finny being the embodiment of childhood innocence and Gene literally breaking that? and killing it? once again I just love reading abt how complex jealousy is and where it comes from and also REPRESSION!!!

8. forrden

yes I'm including my own OC with @dosalesbian

I wrote abt them for FOUR YEARS. they're childhood best friends who fall in love and marry and are in love no matter what universe and are so soft and tender and healing. forrest goes thru a lot of gender exploration and aiden is just the partner I want to be!! he's goofy and LOVES HER SO MUCH AND SUPPORTS HER SO MUCH GOD!!!!

9. kuroken

they r a new one and yes once again childhood best friends but in a FUN NEW WAY that I want to explore. kenma is like disinterested in most things except gaming and whatever kuroo wants to do and has a hard time socializing bc he's SHY and is too observant! and kuroo is big and dumb and passionate but was also a stupid anxious child. I think they're those friends who are dating but don't even know they're dating or their relationship is so indescribable to themselves and others that it's hard to take any step forward or backward bc theyre SO codependent and yes. I want to explore that and read abt them more.

10. don't look at me yes im putting ryden on here

THEY WERE IN LOVE BUT COULDNT ADMIT IT AND THEN BRENDON WROTE 3 BREAKUP ALBUMS ABT RYAN? AND RYAN RELEASED A SONG THE SAME WEEK BRENDON GOT MARRIED? they're never gonna be friends again bc they can't just be friends

okay!! I tag @scottspack @dosalesbian @pattern-pals hehe

[heeres-suffering]

Be More Alluring: a Personality Swap AU

[pic description and source will be at the bottom of this post, under the read more]

Start of summary:

“You need to be more alluring.”

"... don’t you mean attractive?”

“I do not. Your attractiveness is adequate, Brooke; if you want to mask your apparently latent queerness, you have to make them want you straight. Isn’t that why your step-father defended you?” 

Brooke Lohst is a loser.

But you know what? That was okay.

She always knew she was a weird one. The intensity of her affection for puppies, picture books, and near-constant daydreaming has lasted well-past a normalcy she can’t seem to grasp; when coupled with her inability to befriend anyone (besides the similarly self-identified loser Michael Mell), it’s not a surprise the rest of her peers have left her behind.

However, there were... ah, worse things in her life to worry about then some mild bullying. She liked her passion well enough, and all of her true insecurities went largely unnoticed, so any insults or weird looks rarely lingered in her mind. It’s not like she was a constant target either, which helped a lot. All in all, she just planned to hunker down, wait out the awkwardness of High School like everyone else, and move on to the rest of her life... 

Except.

When Brooke develops a crush on a girl she’s never talked to, after years of avoiding fairy tale romance and trying not to think about the inevitability of marriage (or how finicky her attraction to boys is in the first place), it feels like her whole world is about to cave in. She’d do anything to make sure her parents, especially daddy, never find out... including buying an edible super computer from the loudest, tiniest guy in school.

End of summary.

Alright!

Hi, hello, it’s Mod Seb, and here’s an AU I’ve been rolling around for a few days! You are free to do with this concept whatever you want, but I wanted to introduce it with a good chunk of the info I’ve already worked out in my head.

So. As the CWs are... too numerous, I’m going to go with a blanket “Dead Dove: Do Not Eat” label and encourage you not to read the rest of this if you have any big darkfic triggers that could be upset by mere mention; this isn’t a fic tho, so descriptions of anything awful won’t last long. 

Although, I will mention upfront that Brooke isn’t a binary lesbian. I know the description might read like I’m setting her up to be 100% homosexual; she’s bi with a strong preference for girls, and anyone who presents soft enough in gender or appearance. If it wasn’t for the end-game pairings, her unfamiliarity with smaller details/history of the LGBTQ+ community, and general “gay newb” status, she’d likely ID as a bi lesbian!

(ships and everything else under the Read More)

Okay. That out of the way, there’s quite a number of pairings; I’m pretty sure it’s a super polyamorous and sexual AU, though you’re free to change this list as much as you’d like:

[bolded are end-game ships. italics physically hook up at least once. strike-through means they were in a relationship but break-up in some way before the ending. (H) stands for healthy, while (T) is toxic and/or noncon. underlined characters are pining for the other and may never confess their true feelings]

Brooke/Christine (H), Brooke/Rich (H), Brooke/Jenna (H), Brooke/Michael (H), Brooke/Chloe (T), Brooke/her Daddy (T), Brooke/Squip (H), Brooke/Jeremy (soft T at first bc of mirrored canon-compliant manipulation, H later on), Brooke/Squip/Jeremy (H), Brooke/Squip/Jeremy/Rich (H), Rich/Moses (H), [insert every form of Rich/Mo/Squip/Jeremy here] (H), Jeremy/Chloe (T), Jeremy/Michael (H), Michael/Christine (H), Michael/Christine/Mr. Heere (H; no, seriously), Madeline/Brooke (H)

This is, of course, a role swap AU where Brooke and Jeremy trade places based on my personal lore for their home lives. I always have some pretty fucked ideas as I don’t imagine MB is a great place with great adults, and I pick and choose which parts of canons I use and which I don’t. 

There is no definite ending planned in mind as this isn’t an outline; it’s meta (or an imagine or w/e) for an AU that you’re free to do whatever with. 

So,

The big difference is that Brooke was picked by Michael, while Jeremy was picked by Chloe. Jeremy is trans and hadn’t come out yet; if Chloe had known he was a boy, she wouldn’t have grabbed him. In contrast, Michael’s never gave a shit about potential friends genders.

Jer and B’s personalities... are altered some. Not ALL the way, but kiiinda fusing into their roles, kinda tweaked (I'll get back to that).

The main point of this for me was Brooke/Squip/Jeremy, with B/Jer having a MUCH stronger focus than in canon, and a really bad Chloe acting as one of the major villains.

Michael gets roped into Chloe’s shit, even tho he's still generally a good guy here, bc he's worried about B and thinks she can't properly take care of herself.

While B DOES have a strong crush on Christine, she’s the opposite of the Squip’s “goal”; that’s (obvs) masking, or making passably digestible, her queerness.

Her Mom and step-’Daddy’ have reacted to her friendship w/ ‘openly gay moms, also very flamboyant and GNC’ Michael... poorly.

Michael thinks the solution has to be “act as aggressively yourself as you can, and if they reject you, you know me and the mom’s have a space for you”. This works for him bc he’s permanently hyper-visible, what with all of his own marginalized identities. But, not only has she flied under the radar in comparison to him for years, he doesn’t know everything about her life.

In fact, he doesn’t know most of it. She’s very good at hiding things.

Meanwhile, Jeremy, one of the more popular ‘boy... ish’ (we’ll get to this, too) people in school, is mid-psychosis and self-destruction. He actually has schizo-affective disorder--as is the case with all of my versions of Jeremy--which he needs medication for. Combined that with so many bad influences and trauma, he can no longer fully control himself or his life.

The way he handles this (badly) is to ‘whore around’--which, besides being Chloe’s pet, is kinda why he’s so popular. Nobody respects him, but he’s viewed some form of favorably.

Jeremy is in a relationship with Rich, but he won't let him get as close/protective as Rich wants; Mo and Rich were doing their own man-whoring (but healthy, just droppin’ panties and making dudes and chicks swoon--yeah, Rich is out as bisexual, this is a very ‘the Squips are a good thing’ AU) to gain their standard reputation, but in the course of that, they got together with Jeremy and it became... complicated. Both of them are very "nnn" about how bad his life is for Jer.

The way that their personalities are altered is... okay. To explain this, I have to talk about my characterization of canon-Brooke and Jeremy in relation to this, starting with Brooke:

I imagine B as just a liiittle below the line of "all the way there" for sorta-similar reasons to Jeremy here: trauma, and Chloe (which is why that’s what Jeremy gets in this, it’s just WAY worse when compounded by everything else). She’s also--like me, and like almost every character I write as a result--autistic, in a near-permanent state of “not enough accommodations” and over-stimulation. This leads to a lot of dissociation and a very wandering mind, as well as being perceived as a bimbo or dumb blonde or w/e misogynistic bullshit is projected onto her by the boys she dates (she’s also much more down the middle bi outside this AU).

So, going back to how she is for this AU: she's actually not super nerdy, despite the close connection she and Michael have. Honestly, it’s their general neurodivergent weirdness that bring them together, and so she’s mostly adopted her nerdy interests through him, whether directly a thing he likes, or finding a whimsical variant that fits her tastes.

Obviously, unlike Jeremy, she doesn’t mind being called a loser. She does any insinuation she might be queer. This including anyone who calls her gay or a dyke.

She has too much Cis Male Trauma (unlike canon, where it comes from both cis angles) to really entertain the idea of a Traditionally Male Partner. This means she skews HEAVILY towards hard GNC guys at the very least, and generally finds herself most interested in the idea of enbies and women. she's also not super into butches tho, bc her trauma mixing with her sexuality has latched on to Strong Masc People Are A Threat. 

An expansion on her interests, in canon and otherwise: animals, ASMR/sensual service work (including massages and stuff), spending hours just sorta sitting by herself and letting her imagination wander, fairy tales, and YA-and-under fantasy books.

(Here, she tries to avoid het or f/f romance... except that, this past year or two, she’s started really like m/m stuff--esp after getting REALLY into drag shows, which she could enjoy safely since girls like Chloe have gotten into them too; in canon, she’s a romance fanatic)

Now... this is one of the really darkfic element; she's fucking her step-dad. 

She does this so that he doesn't walk out on her, her mom, and her little sister*. Her mom has a good-enough job as a standard office woman, but he makes enough to pay the rent on their nice townhouse and all the bills she can’t. So, after he expressed interest in Brooke and then casually mentioned he could always just leave if she wasn’t comfortable, she reluctantly entered a relationship with him

(* = her sister is currently know as her brother; he’s like 12 or 13, and started showing signs of trans/queerness which have been Heavily Discouraged. Brooke worries about him a lot)

((I didn’t use she/her pronouns bc I’m not entirely sure he would change them? This is an OC Oli created at the beginning of our interest in BMC, and we haven’t worked on him at all since, so how his characterization will be is up in the air))

Canonically, Brooke's "in love" with her daddy, which is a self-imposed delusion; if she actually addressed it, she’d says she’s well aware that’s not true, but it's so much easier to pretend when you’re cornered like that. Brooke’s life blows.

She’s a lot more honest to herself about hating him here; still, she tries to be as polite and generally-friendly as she can, doing what he says whenever he wants.

OKAY, THAT’S BROOKE. If any of that is badly described or potentially-offensive, it’s just bc I glossed over SO MUCH DETAIL, even in that amount of it!

So. Jeremy.

I don’t have to go over him much and we’re all mostly aware of how I feel about him and also I don’t have the energy to do this again--

(just... read my fics The Devil at your Door or hello yesterday or something... eyyy actually do that, my ao3 username is Sedusa, blah blah blah ANYWAY)

--but basically: He's still very nerdy, like, he’s super into film as well as video games (which is another constant for me), but after being largely ignored in elementary, he's been trailing behind Chloe at her orders since they were in 6th grade. As a result he isn't very open about... any of his interests.

In 7th grade, he came out as trans to everyone. Chloe was furious, but at the same time, intrigued; this was around the time Chloe gets her own... ah shit I gotta go into that too--

--yet another hc of mine is that Chloe gets a Squip on accident around this time at a party (there was one in a “”candy bowl””), and from there, she claws her way up the ladder. I... will not go into that much, but her Squip was crippled by the drugs and alcohol in her system, and therefore largely at her mercy. She’s used his power to manipulate certain things about herself and to sharpen her focus on popularity to the point she’s full-blown Alpha Bitch.

Man, I’ve had to go on so many tangents, I apologize.

Anyway, she drags Jeremy around as a punching bag. She constantly mocks Jeremy's transness, even though she usually calls him by his correct name and pronouns.

This has made the rest of the school follow her lead, hence why I said “boy-ish”; he’s popular, he’s technically ‘well liked’, but nobody really takes him seriously. This is compounded by Chloe’s refusal to let him dress in 'dorky' casual clothes, and, as he’s both too poor to afford designer clothes and also generally hates popular guy fashion, he has to wear the hyper femme clothing Chloe specifically tells him too/

As such, people call him a boy but largely see him as either an idiot, a slut, an attention seeker, or all of the above.

So of course, in Brooke's place, his neurodivergence is more prominent than ever; every day he slips further into this psychosis and self-infantilization haze, as his his mom leaving, his dad severely depressed, Chloe's sexual violence, and other repressed trauma (see: my fic hello yesterday on ao3) all weighing on him. This makes him INCREDIBLY regressed, like, all the time by Junior year.

And then Brooke's Squip (IE: canon Squip) falls in love with Jeremy extremely fucking hard. He pushes her to date him as a way to compromise on her queer desires, since Jeremy is technically a boy, and certainly a few other straight-ish girls have hooked up with him in the past.

WHEW. That is a fucking lot. To wrap this up, lemme go over the interpersonal relationships not already mentioned, and what directions I think it takes.

First off, Madeline has a more prominent role, as I quite like her tbh; she’s a sex worker, she has her own Squip, she’s one of Chloe’s most hated enemies, and she gravitates towards both Brooke and Jeremy. She’s also Actually French, Chloe’s just weird.

(Anyway she prolly sees through Brooke’s straight act and asks her why she’s pretending to be a good little cishet. It rattles Brooke.)

Chloe is scum. This bears repeating. She DEFINITELY rapes Brooke at the Halloween party, and becomes obsessed with her, along with already being obsessed with Jeremy and Jake. 

Jake, by the way, has a lot of regressive behavior and impulsiveness bc he’s been in an abusive relationship off and on with Chloe for years now.

Speaking of Jake, moving on to his best bro: Rich doesn’t set himself on fire. He’s having a good time with his Squip.

But.

He IS set on fire at the Halloween party.

Instead of the Smartphone Hour being about Rich's instability, it's actually about the mystery of Someone Did It To Him But No One Saw Who It Was, They Were Disguised.

The answer relates to the fact that Rich and Brooke are ALSO hooking up, after she’s already with Jeremy, bc he Properly introduces her to him and the three of them hit it off really well.

(She initially wasn’t interested, but while Rich is loud and still kinda abrasive, his Squip doesn’t drive him to act like a bully--and in private, his nerdiness is really obvious and he’s extremely gentle with her and Jeremy. Add to that that he’s bi and trans*, when Brooke connects best w/ queer men over cishet one, and it off-sets his masc-ness enough to make him an Exception.

* = I always imagine him as trans. See: all of Vanceypants fics.)

Sooo... the culprit is actually Brooke's daddy, who sees her with this obvious heartthrob and Cannot let that be.

Chloe convinces Michael that the Squips are Very Very Bad and has him team up with her to force Brooke into drinking Red, with the intention to convince him to kill himself after to get him out of the way, bc she’s really going nuts at this point.

Eventually, he snaps out of it when he and Christine get together (he’s thought he was Full Homo all of his life, but Christine’s prolly genderqueer-ness makes him realize “oh shit, I’m bisexual”) and she starts to question why he’s acting the way he is towards Christine.

He also definitely has a crush on Jeremy and during his time with Chloe he kinda tried to flirt a little but couldn’t really... he’s not up for dating someone as sexually active and a push-over as Jeremy is in this.

However, when he snaps out of Chloe’s manipulation, he and Christine approach Mr. Heere to convince him to straighten up and help Jeremy and also bc they really need an adult to successfully fight Chloe.

This requires a month+ of Christine getting him to see her psychiatrist (the one who prescribes her ADHD meds). Jeremy spends the majority of his time staying with Chloe, and very rarely comes home to gather things or to make sure his dad is eating/still alive, as much as he can remember to in his own haze of mental illness. Anyway, point is, he doesn’t know Christine and Michael are there often... not that, in the course of growing close to Mr. H, they both fall for him hard and it becomes one of my stranger OT3s.

(God, Jeremy goes through a lot of shit in this, tho.)

Pre-Squip, Jenna was kinda-sorta Brooke’s friend--or, well, friendly. However, she’s actually full blown “oh my God she’s wonderful” in love with Brooke.

Brooke isn't aware of that, esp since Jenna tries her not to be around her a lot. She's also trying to hide her own queerness, bc she’s a trans woman and she knows Chloe finding that out would be extremely dangerous.

Eventually, Chloe succeeds in making Brooke take the Red months after canon usually ends, w/o Michael’s help. If you’re curious, Red doesn’t affect her normal Squip bc she’s had him too long and a lot of his receptors and stuff are damaged, so it’s the second one she gets in canon that turns off.

This plan backfires, however, as Brooke’s Squip comes back with a physical body w/ help from Rich and also-bodied-now Moses.

With a body, and shenanigans, Mo and Squip take out Brooke’s daddy too. His life insurance more than makes up for the loss of his income, as it’s a sizable amount. Now that Brooke feels more empowered and strong, she overrides her mother’s neglectfulness and takes control of the household w/ her boyfriends*, comes out as queer, helps her sister transition, and begin to heal from all of this trauma.

(* = Rich and Mo move in, as does Jeremy eventually, after graduation; Jeremy gets a psychiatrist and a therapist and prolly has to go through some intense outpatient care and possibly a stay in the hospital, before finally making major breakthroughs and looking like himself again. The five of them are now happy and in love.)

Chloe, after her arm gets twisted by the Squip’s protective presence so thoroughly, gives up on Jeremy and Brooke to focus on Jake. This too gets abandoned when Rich and Mo help him cut her off, and so she stays in her own popularity bubble, bitter, until graduating and going to a community college in a different state.

All in all, things work out well in the end, but getting there is a long, difficult process. This AU fascinates me immensely and feels like a great way to examine some of my really dark headcanons about MB, as I think it’s a town similar to Derry in Stephen King’s IT--as in, just chronically The Worst Place Ever, with this, like, miasma of low-key despair around it. People adjust and don’t question it, which is why so much of BMC is this flippant dark humor in the face of some highly questionable shit.

I’m so sorry this post is so long (I’ll be uploading it to AU under my usual Sedusa account, as metas like this are more than allowed), but I really adore these characters and the way they can be twisted around, so I had a lot to say!

Thank you for reading <3

-mod Seb

image description: virtual-like stairs pointed forward and bathed in neon yellow and blue to represent Brook and Jeremy, which I’ve modified from the original blue-only design.

source: x (link description: a free Wallpaper Flare image that I found off Google Image’s “filtered by ‘labeled and reuse with modification” feature) 

[flying-elliska]

Movie review : the Favourite (2018)

This is very much a movie I can say that is objectively brilliant ; without being a movie I loved. The first half, in which the cousins vie for Queen Anne's affections and the associated power was just incredibly unhingedly funny in a dark way. But the second half, in which everything falls apart, dragged and the ending was incredibly depressing. It made sense ! But personally, I like to root for the characters I follow, and when it becomes too much about terrible people being terrible to each other, it becomes unpleasant to watch. It's a matter of personal taste, I guess - I don't enjoy stories that are too pessimistic about human nature.

At the same time I am very happy that this is a movie that exists, for what it does with its female characters.It's funny how it portrays three women who are arguably all horrible, all some sort of queer too, and somehow it doesn't come off as misogynistic or homophobic so much as simply deeply misanthropic. It made me think about what, exactly, makes this portrayal so interesting in terms of what good female characters are. I think a lot of stories are still stuck in this concept that to be feminist/empowering/etc their female characters have to be these parangons of likeability, competence and maturity because anything else would imply bad things about female nature. This is immensely problematic because : 1) it places undue burden on the female character to always be there for others - often men, do all the emotional work, etc...without being central to the plot because 2) it's boring and it makes for characters that, being perfect, don't need to evolve, have no real arc and therefore are sidelined ; and 3) is a stereotype and treats women as unreal projections that are not allowed to be human.

So this movie is really really not that. Right off these women are all ferocious in the expression of their flaws. Queen Anne is incredibly immature and spoiled, Sarah is domineering and downright abusive, Abigail is manipulative and will do absolutely anything in the pursuit of their goals. They all have understandable reasons for being like that, too : Anne is grieving so many dead babies and is in constant pain, Sarah is incredibly passionate about what she loves and Abigail wants to be safe. They are charismatic. They're allowed a depth and magnificence that is most often reserved for male antiheroes. I think the greatest part is how little fucks they give about anything. They are not demure or polite or hesitant or anything we have been trained to expect from women in period movies. And there is something about watching women behave badly with glee and without any guilt that is just so cathartic. It reminded me of Killing Eve in that sense, with a similar baroque, absurdist, dry sort of humor.

Of course the "women be scheming" trope is nothing new. But the way it is depicted here is ; it's not directed towards men. The power shown lies very much in the hands of the women - be it Anne's regal authority, Sarah's willpower or Abigail's charm - even though it is still a patriarchy and the men are buzzing at the edges of the plot to try and make themselves relevant. I studied political science and in the field there is this persistent fascination with the temper, charisma, "lust for power" of Great Men, whose glaring human flaws are set aside because they acted decisively in a crisis and met history or whatever the fuck ; something that is talked about in terms of dominance with sexual undertones and presented as this natural irrepressible force. It is then opposed to the feminine force, presented as passive, fertile but weak, something to be controlled and shaped like fate or history or chance or the land or the unwashed masses. So there is something incredibly significant in seeing powerful women represented like this : opportunistic, lusty, ferocious, decisive, flawed, power-mad, flamboyant. It breaks the concept that there is anything natural about each gender's approach to power. This is accentuated by the fact that the men in the movie tend to be presented in effeminate ways, wearing wigs and makeup whereas the three main characters are the one always in action, shooting guns, falling in the mud, running around, etc. (Special mention to Sarah's period-butch get up...incredible) Through their interactions there is this fascinating feeling that the power doesn't rest in one specific thing, it's morphing and situational. The cousins are not just struggling to win the queen's affection, she is also struggling constantly - with her grief, pain, loneliness. I love it when character dynamics are so shifting.

But...in the end, I have not seen enough happy and healthy portrayals of wlw relationships and intimacy to enjoy seeing women treating each other so badly. The overarching theme is that power and inequality of power just completely fucks you up, and your ability to have normal relationships which is...on point. But in terms of character arcs it just ends on a "oh this is just terrible across the board" feeling which is not my fave to end a story on. The women all let their flaws get them into this spiral of misery. Anne's choice is between someone honest who treats her like shit or someone who is sweet but also a manipulative liar ; Sarah is exiled from the things she loved most, her queen and country ; Abigail is reduced to servitude once again. The end. Resounding feeling is like woooow I'm happy that's not me. There is something about toxic relationships that kind of bores me to be honest, because there is something very previsible about it and the whole ha people are shitty thing. But I guess that's a matter of personal taste. In the end I think it's a great thing that this movie exists. I just hope we get more stories with morally ambiguous women we can root for until the end.

[catboyfeli]

even though i don’t identify as a cis girl anymore, i’m still so fucking passionate about atypical cishets? because god, back when i ided as a cis girl, i constantly felt like shit for my attraction to men being abnormal and more similar to gay men’s experiences.

people think being cishet is fitting into cisheteronormativity but? it’s not??? cishets who crossdress, present gnc or androgynous, behave gnc or androgynous, feel a disconnect from their gender due to not fitting into gender roles, relate more to the opposite sex, face misdirected homo/transphobia, take on the opposite gender role in society/relationships, etc. exist.

because like? gender isn’t just “oh i identify as my agab, being a male, so i fit into the male gender role” nor is it “oh i’m a masculine woman but i still fit perfectly into the female gender role despite how different my experiences are from most women”

i’m just so passionate about this and i wish it was a more well known issue. it makes me hate the hate towards straight and cis people in lgbtq spaces even more than i already did. i think maybe that’s also part of why so many young people id as nonbinary now, because being cishet is “wrong” and “easy” even though being queer at all would make you lgbtq, even if you’re not trans or sga/ssa.

i just wanna give gnc cishets all the love in the world because they fuckin deserve it and shouldn’t feel pressures to id as something they’re not to get ACTUAL support. gnc people experience things so differently from gender conforming people, and there’s no support for cishet ones and that saddens the hell out of me

just? imagine being a very feminine cishet man who gets bullied for ‘being gay’ and struggles to find a woman who’s open to dating him when he takes on the feminine role in a relationship? and presents and behaves femininely? maybe gets mistaken as a girl depending on how he presents? doesn’t relate to the typical ‘male’ experience? relates more to womanhood despite identifying as a man? imagine getting no support for this? imagine being treated the same as your oppressors even though they oppress you as well, just in different ways? imagine being shunned out of queer spaces despite being queer just b/c you’re not lgbt, even though lgbt and lgbtq aren’t the same thing?

i use men as an example since gnc women are a LITTLE more accepted than gnc men, but only a little bit.

...maybe i’m too empathetic. idk. maybe i’ll make a blog for it. idk. i just know how i felt when i identified as a cis girl, and how i still feel now due to my lingering connection with being female, and it’s so isolating and makes you fucking hate yourself. i mean, i was/am bi, but my attraction to men was just so atypical, meanwhile my attraction to women wasn’t, and it felt like i could never talk about it or else i was ‘actually straight uwu’ and no one would understand anyway. no one understands nOW what it’s like to be attracted exclusively to feminine, gnc, queer, etc. men and how different it is from being attracted to the average man, how different it is as a female to be attracted exclusively to those types of men (types who are usually gay and therefore not into you), esp when hetero attraction is shit on by the lgbtq community lol, even if that attraction doesn’t conform to the standard (which would be queer by definition, but y’know)

i just hate tumblr and lgbtq culture’s way of acting like hetero attraction and experiences are all the same and all fit into the cisheteronormative mold, cause lemme tell you, i would’ve fucking killed to have gotten some hetero content i could ACTUALLY relate to and enjoy, esp without people saying it’s “””lesser””” than gay content lol. oh and let’s not forget how i could never talk about this without people saying “shut up straightie you have tons of content” like :))) genuinely fuck you.

even now, i can’t help but wonder if i’m really nonbinary or just subconsciously started identifying as such to feel more valid in my experiences. is my dysphoria gender related or do i just feel a disconnect from my gender due to the things i listed above???

a m/f relationship doesn’t inherently conform to cisheteronormativity!! a m/f relationship can be queer and you genuinely cannot change my mind on that!! i want content of a very feminine gnc man dating a very mascuilne gnc girl!! like a ‘twink’ dating a ‘butch’ for example!! that’s all i want god dammit!!!!!! maybe they even get mistaken as a gay couple sometimes who knows!!! and if you don’t like me using the word queer then pretend i used atypical instead!! the point is that atypical cishets deserve!! pride and support!!! and REPRESENTATION!!

i dunno. if anyone actually read all this and wants to help out with a blog for some gnc support/positivity then let me know. it’d be geared towards cisgender people who experience atypical heterosexual attraction, but be for anyone gnc in the end. i’m just... very passionate about this. it’s one of the things i’m most passionate about due to my own experiences, and i don’t really feel comfortable in the lgbtq community due to all of this shit. i don’t like my experiences, feelings, and struggles being erased. i don’t like m/f relationships being seen as inherently cisheteronormative. i don’t like cishets being shit on. i don’t like there being no representation for queer/atypical m/f couples. i don’t like there being no support for these people when!! they deserve it!! and belong at pride just as much as anyone else!!!!

when i say straight people deserve pride, i’m not referring to your typical straight person. i’m referring to the different ones, the ones that don’t conform to binary gender norms, the ones that face misdirected homo/transphobia, the ones that are queer, the ones that give a big “fuck you” to cisheteronormativity. and no, this does not mean that i think a guy liking pink would be queer; that’s not what i’m saying at all. liking things that are girly is different from being gnc. liking baking and clothes designing is very different from being a man who navigates society and relationships differently due to not conforming to the ‘male’ gender role.

not conforming to gender roles and being nonbinary are different but similar and valid things. i just... yeah. i could go on for hours, but i won’t. i just hope maybe someone out there understands what i’m trying to say. i want to make a difference and end the idea that cishets all conform to cisheteronormativity and don’t belong at pride. because yeah, ofc your typical cishet doesn’t need pride, but atypical ones? they’re more than deserving of it. they deserve to be proud in a society that shits on them for not adhering to their strict standards of how a person is ‘supposed’ to be. maybe i can turn ‘atypical cishet’ into a term, idk. i just want atypical cishets and those who experience atypical hetero attraction to have a community. maybe i could make a blog like that, too?

god i spent over an hour typing this up you can tell i’m passionate about it esp considering no one’s gonna read it (and if they do, will just get mad probably lol)

[2edge4u]

I can't sleep so here

1. Who was the last person you held hands with? My gf

2. Are you outgoing or shy? Very shy unless I'm comfortable around them

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? My gf on Tuesday

4. Are you easy to get along with? I would like to think so

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you? Mallory

6. What kind of people are you attracted to? Mmmnm girls typically kind and sweet ones

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? Most def

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind? Lmao no

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? Depends on who I'm talking to

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? My gf Mallory

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say? Good night babe 😙

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now? If I can't have you, poetry by dead men, dura remix, bilingue, please me

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair? God yes and my gf does it all the damn time

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? Idk it would be nice but sometimes it just kinda feels like were all just going through the motions and stuff like that just eases the pain and hopelessness

15. What good thing happened this summer? I lost a shit ton of weight

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? A million times

17. Do you think there is life on other planets? It would be naive to believe that there isn't the universe is fucking huge

18. Do you still talk to your first crush? Lmfaooo no

19. Do you like bubble baths? Yeah but I gotta shower first. The idea of sitting in body soup makes me queasy.

20. Do you like your neighbors? Fuck no they're horrible people but my rent is cheap 🤷‍♀️

21. What are you bad habits? Over thinking and second guessing are at the top of the list

22. Where would you like to travel? Sooooo many places Florida is the worst get me out

23. Do you have trust issues? Yeah I guess so but I will trust those who treat me right

24. Favorite part of your daily routine? Going the fuck to sleep

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? My thighs

26. What do you do when you wake up? Say good morning to Mallory then go pee

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? This is a kinda fucked up question but I mean I guess I don't like being this pale but I also like being inside so

28. Who are you most comfortable around? My gf and my mom

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up? Yes and I blocked that bitch 🤷‍♀️

30. Do you ever want to get married? Yep

31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail? Lmao no I'm too butch to have long hair anymore but I'm still pretty soft

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? I tried a threesome once in college and it was not a good time so no thanks. One girl at a time for me.

33. Spell your name with your chin. U8u7fw nailed it

34. Do you play sports? What sports? I used to play basketball but I'm too lazy so

35. Would you rather live without TV or music? Fuck off that's impossible I'm a millennial

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? Oh definitely

37. What do you say during awkward silences? Depends on who it is

38. Describe your dream girl/guy? I'm lucky because I'm already dating her 😍 long hair, blue eyes, working her dream job and super passionate about it, the epitome of sweet and kind, very good kisser, great listener, my little spoon, so fucking smart, knows the difference between your and you're, holds me when I need it, fixes my headaches, and she loves me back.

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? Publix and target

40. What do you want to do after high school? Bitch I graduated in 2005 I've already changed careers once and I'm about to do it again

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? Yeah unless they diddle kids or hurt women

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean? I'm angy or sad

43. Do you smile at strangers? You know that white person passing you in the hallway smile

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean? Fuck the ocean honestly so many things can bite or sting me

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? Making money and seeing my gf

46. What are you paranoid about? Hahahaha so much

47. Have you ever been high? Yeah long time ago

48. Have you ever been drunk? Mhm

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? Not really

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore? I literally only wear black and grey everything

51. Ever wished you were someone else? Oh definitely

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself? Smaller boobs

53. Favourite makeup brand? Lmao I haven't worn makeup since college

54. Favourite store? Bitch I already answered this

55. Favourite blog? Hmmmm I can't choose y'all bitches are funny

56. Favourite colour? Grey

57. Favourite food? Hmmm salad and mashed potatoes. I also love Mexican food.

58. Last thing you ate? Caprese salad

59. First thing you ate this morning? Pussy, next question

60. Ever won a competition? For what? Lmao a lot of music competitions and also water skiing

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what? Lmao no I'm too scared to get in trouble

62. Been arrested? For what? I've never even been pulled over so no

63. Ever been in love? Yep

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss? It was behind the big tire on the playground so no one would see. Lasted .5 seconds and we never talked again.

65. Are you hungry right now? Nah

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends? Yeah

67. Facebook or Twitter? Neither

68. Twitter or Tumblr? Tumblr

69. Are you watching tv right now? Always

70. Names of your bestfriends? Mallory, Chris and Kjersten

71. Craving something? What? Reeses with the pieces inside that shit slaps

72. What colour are your towels? Grey

72. How many pillows do you sleep with? One for my head and one for in between my legs

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? Nope

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have? None

75. Favourite animal? Puppies and kitties

76. What colour is your underwear? Grey and blue

77. Chocolate or Vanilla? Chocolate

78. Favourite ice cream flavour? Chocolate covered cherry

79. What colour shirt are you wearing? I'm not wearing a shirt

80. What colour pants? No pants either just boxers and a sports bra

81. Favourite tv show? Fuck you I can't choose

82. Favourite movie? Texas chainsaw

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? Why would you even ask me this the original obviously

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street? Mean girls

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls? Gretchen wieners

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo? Dory

87. First person you talked to today? Mallory

88. Last person you talked to today? Mallory

89. Name a person you hate? My boss and the majority of my colleagues

90. Name a person you love? My gf

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? Nah I don't really like punching ppl

92. In a fight with someone? No

93. How many sweatpants do you have? I'm a lesbian so a lot

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have? Idk like 10ish?

95. Last movie you watched? Rocky horror

96. Favourite actress? So many

97. Favourite actor? Why tf do some people still separate this by gender

98. Do you tan a lot? Lmao no

105. Ever been to a bonfire party? Yeah I live in the south

99. Have any pets? Yep a dog and 2 cats

100. How are you feeling? Slept literally all day so I can't sleep but my headache is finally gone 🙌

101. Do you type fast? Yeah

102. Do you regret anything from your past? Mhm

103. Can you spell well? I would like to think so

104. Do you miss anyone from your past? My grandparents

[freckliedan]

(for context, i made a post asking if this anon would b comfy telling me if she was a part of the lgbt community because i would be able to answer more quickly & with more nuance if i knew! my response would’ve been very different for the first ask if it had come from a cis/het person)

hi b!!!!!!!! ty so much for sending me this ask! this is a conversation i’ve had with friends a number of times & i think it’s really good to talk about so i’m really glad to have the chance to talk about it on my blog!

(under the cut because this got long)

i really feel you on this entire situation, tbh- i really hate to assume people’s sexualities, especially people who i don't actually know, bc doing that enforces gender roles & stereotypes so much of the time. especially when it's straight people doing the assuming? like, straight people talking about having good "gaydar" for me feels like them talking about being good at stereotyping people based on mannerisms etc and it makes me so fucking uncomfortable!

i'm 100% of the opinion that unless someone has the agency in telling people they're lgbt (like, they get to come out on their own terms, or they're so comfortably out that you'd maybe hear them referred to with pronouns besides he/she or hear about a same-gender partner when hearing about them in conversation)? nobody should be making a definitive assumption or trying to find proof or support of any perspective on their sexuality. people should get to be as closeted or as out as they're comfortable being, bc more than anything all lgbt people deserve to feel safe.

that said? i feel like lgbt ppl have actual "gaydar" but that it's not the same thing straight people say "gaydar" is. i think that for lgbt people, it has as much to do with being able to identify homophobic or transphobic straight or cis people (bc there are transphobic lgb folx, why do people. DO that) and being able to identify what straight/cis people are safe to be around as it does being able to find other lgbt people. it's more of a survival mechanism than a way of identifying people who are different, the way it functions for straight people.

so like? idk. over the past few years my concept of whether it's okay to speculate about a celebrity's sexuality has shifted a little? when i was in high school & recently out of it, i was more firmly against the idea that someone could tell if xyz celebrity wasn't straight, and super firmly believed that the only way you could know was if they said as much in words.

so what changed?

i experienced the world more, and i've learned so much about the lgbt community and about myself.

one of the big turning points for me was kristen stewart; i was never a super huge fan of hers, but i saw posts fairly often speculating that she and alicia cargile were together. not posts by like, news outlets or anything, posts by other wlw who were saying 'i see the way that kstew is dressing and acting and what she & alicia cargile are sharing of their relationship with the public and news articles keep calling them live-in gal-pals etc but that's exactly how i dress and behave and how my relationship with my girlfriend looks and how people treat our relationship when they're refusing to acknowledge the fact that we're lgbt."

also at the time i started seeing a lot of posts that were saying that the speculation was shitty, and for a hot minute i felt awful for seeing and reblogging posts & hoping/believing that they were girlfriends. the next wave of discourse tho was about how it was okay to speculate and hope if you were just an individual who was also lgbt, and how it was only shitty when it was invasive paparazzi and tabloids who had a platform that could actually disrupt her life and put pressure on her to come out. it was about power; one lesbian or bi or pan girl who was hoping a celebrity they looked up to was like them vs a business that doesn't have any investment in this besides to gain money/readership off of a celebrity's potential identity that had every right to keep their silence and privacy? it's two entirely different things.

i also went back to college in 2016, and realized that like. yeah it's shitty when straight people stereotype and assume things about people, but a lot of lgbt people don't want to be perceived as straight and intentionally dress and behave in ways that signal the fact that the're lgbt. i'm not a scholar on any of this; this is all from my lived experience. but i think it might be called flagging? i've seen the word a few times & just googled it & it seems right, even though i haven't read any of the articles for sure.

essentially it's a way of signaling to other lgbt people "hey i'm here and i'm also lgbt" without really having to disclose that info to all the straight people around you as well. and like, heteronormativity is a hell of a drug, you know? a lot of straight people are almost unwilling to pick up on the signals that someone's lgbt.

an example i can think of is like, lgbt people using non-gendered terms to refer to their significant other or any exes around straight people; it's not lying, and it leaves the opportunity for any other lgbt people present to maybe connect with the person who's doing the pronouns dance at a later point in time in a one on one setting.

another example would be like, butch and gender nonconforming wlw making their identity clear in the way they dress and behave? the song ring of keys from the musical fun home is about a young girl seeing a butch lesbian for the first time and going !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! same!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! even without having the words. it's lgbt people broadcasting their identity for other lgbt people, not for straight people. it doesn't get seen or talked about as much because of that, but that doesn't make it any less real.

so how does this relate back to dnp?

i'm firmly of the opinion that the're like, doing this. they're living their lives without the complete self-censorship they used to have and because of that openness a lot of lgbt ppl see them, we see the ways in which dan and phil are quietly sharing the fact that they're not straight with us, and i think it's okay to accept that for what it is.

like? i genuinely am willing to argue that dan came out in his diss track. you look at that, and you look at him talk about labels in a liveshow (this video genuinely helped me a lot while i was going through the process of finding the right labels for myself) and you look at all of trying to live my truth or the fact that in dan's rebranding video part of the old branding that was going up in flames was gender rolls (i still have a screenshot of that on my phone). it's also in the countless ways he alludes to being attracted to men, and the ways he rejects a lot of the tenants of masculinity that society prescribes in the ways he dresses and presents himself to the world; that's not an inherently lgbt thing to do, but i think it's true that a majority of lgbt ppl experience gender more consciously than straight people do.​

i'm not going to lie and say i'm aware of as many specific details in regards to phil that indicate his sexuality-i do know less off the top of my head, but not because i don't love phil, just because dan means more to me personally in regards to my queerness and the ways i navigate my identities. phil also tends to share way less of himself with the internet than dan does? like, we know a lot of specifics about who dan is and who dan has been but despite knowing a lot of fluff about phil, we know less substantial information and that's super fucking valid and i love his double aquarius sagittarius rising enigmatic ass exactly as is. and i know i have things in my he likes boys tag about both of them, including (i think) at least one masterpost about phil.

which like, doesn't even bring us to the fact that i'm so sure they're together, too? it's not even like. things like the vd*y v*d, though that was still findable on tumblr when i joined the phandom in 2012.

i'm sure because i can look at dan and phil in the present, and the ways in which they function in eachother's lives, and the things they've said about their future together-the concept of a forever home, of getting a dog together,  the way that when either of them talks about a very old version of themself they talk about having kids & when you combine that with the idea of a forever home you kind of are left with only one implication- i look at all of those things and the ways they compare to my life, as a queer person in a long term committed relationship. and i know. i’m sure about them.

and i could go on. the thing that really gets me is how dan and phil, by all intents and purposes, hit all three sides of sternberg's triangle in his triangular theory of love; they've got the commitment of a shared life and they've talked about their shared future, they've got the intimacy of knowing and supporting each other for nine years and the close knowledge they have of each other is so great in volume that it's been the focus of what, two videos (the friendship test ones) and (spoilers, minorly) a section of ii? and in the way they look at each other, and in a lot of implications we've picked up on over the years, the passion is there, too.

they've fuckin got that good good consummate love, babeY.

they also constantly answer all of each other's bids, as per gottman's research/theories on successful relationships. i'm not gonna get too far into that, but it's what my like a sunflower tag is for.

and gosh, i've gotten rather off topic again. my apologies, b.

i guess the point is that like. as a queer person in a long term relationship, it's really easy for me to look at dan and phil and be sure that they're together. and i don't feel bad, anymore, thinking about that and speculating about it; i think it's ok for lgbt individuals to hope that the people they look up to are like them, and to talk about that hope.

and it would be nice, if dan and phil came out someday. stressful because of the fan reaction, i'm expecting a full meltdown if/when it happens (i'm leaning towards when, i think they want to get married someday).

but for me, i'm already sure. they've already given us so much and they don't owe us anything, we aren't entitled to them disclosing their identities, but i think they've already told us in subtle ways, a hundred times over. so my conscience is clear and my heart is sure, b. i hope yours can be too.

[designatedheckingadult]

I am having complex trans lesbian identity feels. Warning, this is long and word vomity and probably doesn’t make sense.

Figuring out your identity as a trans woman is fucking nightmare. Every trans woman goes through this to some degree or another, but I rarely see it articulated, so I’m gonna start by talking about that. Okay, so I came out at 30, not long after I figured out I was trans. I had wanted to be a girl since I was a pre-teen, but nobody tells you that’s an option. Even if you’re vaguely aware of the existence of trans people, it never crosses your mind that it’s something you can just do.

Point is, by the time I said “Hey world, I’m a woman!” I had a good couple of decades of pretending to be a dude and wanting to be a girl saved up. So I started experimenting. It’s very much like being a teenager, except while the average teenage girl can get away with wearing whatever she damn well likes, a tall, broad 30 year old trans woman can’t. It’s not just “Do I like this, do I look good in this?” There’s a whole list of stuff that goes through your head.

I don’t like how this looks.

Does it look bad?

Is it just me hating myself?

Is it because I’ve been subjected to a lifetime of media talking about what is appropriate attire for a woman of a given age?

Same as above, but for women of a given size.

Fuck it, I like it, I’ll wear it.

But what if it genuinely and objectively looks terrible?

But what if it’s just conditioning?

Does it look too masculine?

Am I “not trans enough” if I wear this?

Is it going to get me read as a man?

Does it look too feminine?

Am I “trying too hard?”

Am I doing “performative feminity?”

Do I look like a man in a dress (or other feminine-coded article of clothing?)

AHHHHHHHHH!

*repeats*

Slowly, you start figuring it out. You find the middle of the Venn diagram of what you like, what you can afford, what you can get in your size and what looks good on you. Thing is, it’s not just clothes. It’s everything. Every aspect of your presentation, your mannerisms, how you walk, how you talk. All the while you’re bombarded with conflicting, confusing messages, some supportive, some decidedly not, about masculinity, femininity, maleness, femaleness, queerness. 

How do you tell the world that you’re a woman without coming across like you’re trying to tell the world what a woman is?

Visibility is a huge thing. The “best” I can ever hope for is to be read as a trans woman. I’m 6′4″, I’m broad, I have a voice that never gets read as anything other than male. I just hope that people clock me as obviously presenting as a woman and treat me accordingly. But even that is a minefield. It reduces the chances of being addressed as “sir,” but it increases the chances of verbal abuse (or worse) in the street.

And then you add butch and femme lesbian identities and things get really messy.

I have a really complicated relationship with being attracted to women. As an AMAB person, it was the default and there was nothing to question there. It’s not something I’ve had to examine in that way. On the other hand, I’m trans and ace and after a lot of examination of those factors, I realised that what I thought was the expected sexual attraction to women, was actually wanting to be those women. It’s a whole other thing, but the short version is that liking girls has never been an issue in and of itself. I never had to come out as a lesbian, it was just a footnote on coming out as trans.

However, it’s really hard to get away from the butch/femme dynamic, especially if you’re community-minded and inclined to understanding and activism. Talking to people, reading about their experiences, grokking the difference, for example, between a butch lesbian who experiences dysphoria and is on T and wants top surgery and a straight trans man who does the same, is all really important to me. All of that leads to more self-examination, gazing into the abyss and all that.

My instinctive reaction as a trans woman has always been to reject butchness. It’s internalised fear of being too masculine. When you’re aggressively interrogating every aspect of yourself and exterminating unwanted maleness (especially when you’re absolutely terrified of exhibiting any kind of subconscious toxic behaviour) it seems really counter-productive to embrace that kind of gender non-conformity. Even when you’ve accepted that you are not a man and butch lesbians are not trying to be men, it feels like dangerous territory. Last night, as the result of conversations about Zarya from Overwatch, of all things, I was given some new perspectives on butchness. I always thought I had a pretty good handle on that, my first ever openly queer friend was a butch lesbian, I read plenty on the subject. Never thought I was an expert, but past Butch Lesbian 101, y’know?

What really struck me was that all these things I was hearing about butch identity that really resonated with me were things that I’d actually picked up from my mum. My mum is a simply amazing woman. A kick-ass single parent who exudes grace and style, while also having a shed full of tools and a passion for DIY. There’s a damn good reason I took her name as a middle name when I legally changed mine. I’m a practical person who fixes things (and if I can’t fix something, I try and learn how from the person I get to do the fixing.) I hold open doors and walk on the road side of the pavement. I want to defend and protect those around me. I’m sure and confident (anxiety aside) and I make damn sure that I’m listened to when I have something to say.

For the last few years, I’ve been kind of afraid of expressing those parts of myself too strongly, because they’re so often seen as masculine. The conversations I had last night made me realise that I’m not any of those things because I “used to be a man” or whatever, but because that’s how my mum brought me (and my brother and sisters) up to behave.

Five years into my life as Caelyn, I’m just starting to reach the point of not giving a fuck what other people think. Case in point, I actually bought a men’s denim jacket recently and Rune bought me a men’s flannel shirt. They fit right. They’re comfy. They look cute. And they don’t make me less trans or less of a woman.

I’m thinking that I need to treat myself, my personality, the traits that make up me, the same way. I am all those things I talked about and there’s nothing inherently manly or masculine about any of them. I’m a woman and I learned those things from a woman and they’re an inherent part of my womanhood. And maybe, that makes me butch.

[almost-hysterical]

So @infpbandgeek and I were at lunch today talking to a couple of friends and were talking about misogyny, racism, nativism, LGBTQ+ animosity and religious discrimination. The two friends that we were talking to argued that none of that is a thing. That there's no white privilege. That there isn't true racism. That men don't have any advantages. That America doesn't need immigrants. That Christians aren't favored. Says the white, straight, Christian, American born males. As a woman I have to consciously choose my routes based on where I am least likely to be assaulted. I can't look around without seeing my body and my fellow sisters' bodies sexualized and attuned to what will fill MEN'S sexual appetites. I can't be angry without being disregarded because of my monthly cycle. I can't make a mistake without it becoming a reflection of my gender. I cannot speak for what I believe in because then I'm loud and bitchy. I cannot say no without being called shrewd. I cannot say yes without being called a slut. I can't wear tank tops or shorts to school, even though I've seen men with practically no shirts on. I can't question the wrongdoings of a man without being called a "feminazi." I can't bring up the idea of gender equality without being shamed for my identification as a feminist. The list goes on, so don't you dare say there isn't male privilege. Racism is rampant. My black and Latino friends are treated differently than other kids because their pigmentation determines their intelligence according to some. And Asian friends are all assumed to be smart and shamed when they aren't. And a white kid acting up is just a kid being a kid, but a black or Latino kid making a mistake is a reflection of their entire race. Latino friends of mine feel uncomfortable speaking Spanish to other Latino friends at school for fear of being assaulted, verbally or otherwise. Muslims can't wear religious clothing because it's seen as dangerous. People avoid them and call them terrorists, despite the moral codes of the Quran preaching quite the opposite. Because apparently ISIS is a fair generalization for all Muslims and Arabs. So don't you dare say racial issues are only happening within our police force. I have never met an immigrant with ill intentions. No matter the part of the world. Central/South American, African, European, Asian, and Australian immigrants all attend my school, and I get along perfectly with them. They are kind, and smart, and funny, and passionate just like anyone else. Their birthplace is not a reflection of who they are as people, and yet most are afraid to talk about their homelands because they know people will attack them for it. Kids with undocumented parents can't reach out for help or get insurance or go to the doctors because there is no protection for immigrants and no help for them to become citizens (which isn't cheap, by the way). The place these people are born determines their worth as a person and that is NOT okay. So don't you dare say that there isn't nativism. (Not to mention our newly inaugurated president wants to ban Muslim/Arabic immigrants and wants to build a fucking wall on the Mexican border) As a bisexual women, men ask me all the time if I'm interested in a threesome with two girls and a guy. The answer is and will always be no. But the point is that my sexuality is used to assume that I am easy. And I'm not. I am complicated and dedicated and focused. I am not ANYBODY's property or sex object because I am a woman, not a thing to be owned. Gay men are always assumed to be feminine and flamboyant and boy-crazy, when they are just as smart and kind as any heterosexual. Lesbians are expected to be butch, which doesn't have anything to do with sexual orientation. Speaking of gay couples, to people who ask, "Who's the boy and who's the girl?" The answer is no. Saying two gay people in a relationship are different genders kind of defeats the purpose. And gender equality is dismal. Gender fluid, non-binaries, transgendered, and undecided friends are all afraid to show what gender they truly are because they know people will attack them. People get accused of being too sensitive when asking for specific pronouns. And people who are displaying their true gender are often pushed down, and told they still look like their sex. While on the topic, gender and sex are not the same. Gender is in the brain based on hormones and brain chemistry, sex is what genitalia a person is born with. Saying they're the same is saying that thinking with your head is the same as thinking with your penis and that's fucking stupid. So don't be a dick and use "gay" as an insult or purposefully use the wrong pronouns, despite how much of a trend it is these days. Don't tell me there isn't discrimination against LGBTQ+ people. As a Jewish woman, I can't really talk about my heritage or religion. When I mention that I'm Jewish, the Jew jokes and Holocaust jokes roll in. People say they can tell by the shape of my nose. They make fun of traditions and degrade me for not agreeing with the teachings of their own religious denomination. Once, I mentioned I was Jewish in a class discussion based on the idea of Jewish culture and when I came back from the bathroom that class period, my notebooks and class work was covered in swastikas and horribly offensive, obscene language. Muslim friends can't wear the hijab because "it's not safe," but white boys can wear hats. Let's just say these issues aren't really based on the idea of safety. And no one is allowed to leave class to pray except some Catholics. During some Jewish holidays and many Muslim (sorry if I leave out your religion, I'm just not very informed about some of them), it is expected to pray in a specific way at specific times of the day. And not allowing people to practice those religious traditions is taking away their ability to feel close and safe with their God. Not to mention that as much as Trump supporters rally around the Constitution and the idea of America, they've seriously overlooked the part about religious freedom. There is religious discrimination and thinking there isn't is ignorant. This is a long post, but put basically: Our problems aren't because of gender, race, origin, sexuality, or religion. Our problem is that we focus on those generalizations too much to realize that in the grand scheme of things our political and social situations are what's wrong. I promise that someone being born with dark skin doesn't inherently make them a terrorist. Swear to God. So if you're a white, Christian, American born, straight male, great. I don't really care, I guess. But don't pretend there aren't issues because you haven't had to face them, and don't pretend that the way you were born is somehow a writ of passage into being a better person.

[bibibourellymusic]

Sexism Is Real.



Sexism is real. I didn't really realize how prevalent it is in today's society until I started working as a professional. As a matter a fact, when I was a kid it never even occurred to me that something as bizarre as gender prejudices even existed. I never thought that way. I was taught to believe that one could accomplish anything that they put their minds too. Despite their circumstances or backgrounds. It hurts to know and learn that there are people in the world who don't want us to feel or be powerful because we are women.

Of course, I love being a girl. I love make up. I love pink. I love glitter, but I also love winning. I love working hard. I love flourishing and accomplishing my goals. I love speaking my mind.

Of course, We are sensitive but our sensitivity doesn't mean or make us irrational, stupid or too emotional to make intelligent decisions.

And a woman standing up for herself doesn't make her masculine, butch or a man. It just makes her someone who doesn’t want to be pushed around. 
When a woman is vocal about her work ethic or talent she is mostly labeled as "full of herself”, "diva-ish”, “bitchy” and "snobby”, but when a man vocalizes his security in himself and the power of work ethic he gets to be "confident" and a "winner and provider." Its just so prejudice.

The most applauded&acknowledged accomplishment amongst women in society is physical appearance, but what if you want to be more than pretty? What if you want to be a beast at what you do? What if you want to be the best? What if you want to be a leader? And be passionate? you know? Why do we as women , have to fight so hard to be passionate?

We are constantly questioned, doubted and ridiculed for no other reason other than the fact that we are female. Why?

Why are we always explaining ourselves to men? or to the world , at that? Why can’t we just be?

Why are there always people trying to suppress us, restrict us and limit us? It almost feels like society wants girls to believe in ceilings, boundaries and limits. How can we learn to love ourselves if every second of the day society is telling us , who to be , how to look , how to dress , how to talk and how to live? why can’t we just live the way we want to? like men do.  
Why are there always people telling women that they are not enough? There is always someone or something sending us the message that we are not enough. That we are incapable and that we are ”incomplete”.

WE ARE NOT INCOMPLETE. WE ARE FULL OF LIFE AND FILLED UP TO THE BRIM WITH INTRICACIES AND A BUNCH OF OTHER INTERESTING SHIT THAT NO ONE SEEMS TO WANT TO LET US , LET OUT. 
I AM SORRY, but I just don't agree with the notion that women or ANYONE for that matter should be restricted to the guidelines and limitations that other people set for them. DO YOU.

It's important to me that little girls understand that they can accomplish anything they put their minds too. Why dont more people encourage them to?  what- the-fuck? 
Please don't label me a "feminist" or "unapologetic" or "rebellious" or whatever else you come up with to define me .I dont want to be labeled or put in a box. I dont fit in a box. I am a human being and to complicated to be classified as any one thing , believe it or not.

I am just a person who wants equal opportunity for all. Despite race, sexual orientation, religion or gender. That's it.

Everyone deserves a fair shot.


[pinkpeccary]

all the trans ask game asks !!!!!!!!!!! or any five, if that's too many !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ^-^

under the cut bc long

1. How did you choose your name?i still use my birth name irl, because it’s familiar and i like it, but i use ollie on here bc it’s the name i would change to if i changed. i like it because it’s gender neutral, leaning masc, but could easily not be. it actually started as a name for characters i made up, and eventually i realized i liked it enough to use it for myself.

2. What gives you the most dysphoria? (Acknowledging that not all trans people experience dysphoria)probably when people assume me to be a girl and refer to me as such. like it bothers me less if the person knows it’s not totally accurate, and it depends on the circumstances and the person and the word they use (i’m pretty okay with girlfriend or sister), but that’s the big one.

3. Do you have more physical dysphoria or more social dysphoria?i’d say more social, the physical stuff comes and goes and i can control for a lot of it with clothing

4. What do you do to perform self-care when you’re feeling dysphoric?idk really, i think i just try to distract myself by being around people i trust and just doing something else to get my mind off it. if it’s a physical thing i might change clothes to something that makes it a little less strong.

5. What was the first time you suspected you were transgender?junior year of high school, when my trans male friend was talking to our theater teacher about the complications of passing and being out and shit and mentioned demigenders as a complicating factor in that it’s not as black and white binary as people think

6. When did you realize you were transgender?probably a few months after i started thinking about it, the process was a little weird because i went from “i’m a girl” to “i’m a demigirl” to “i’m agender” and so on, but yeah

7. What is your favorite part of being transgender?this isn’t true of every trans person, but personally i find it very freeing from gender roles and biases. because i’m fluid and have difficulty conceptualizing gender in the first place, i can kind of just respond to any “x gender does this” thing with either “that applies to me” or that it doesn’t, regardless of the gender they name. 

8. How would you explain your gender identity to others?i think i’d self-describe as genderfluid. idk what between, but i think it is fluid and it feels different from day to day. i can’t easily conceptualize how gender works, so most of my descriptions are based of vague feelings. lately i’ve been leaning masc (gender-wise, not necessarily presentation-wise).

9. How did you come out? If you didn’t come out, why do you stay in the closet? Or what happened when you were outed?i talked to my mom about it a bunch during the process and that was fine. i didn’t really tell anyone in high school because it never came up and i didn’t know how to bring it up. at college it’s fairly straightforward, it’s customary to share pronouns when you meet people here, so i say i use whatever pronouns and that’s that. i’ve only really gotten into the details of it with [k tag].

10. What have your experiences with packing or wearing breast forms been?haven’t really tried it, i don’t really get bottom dysphoria

11. What are your experiences with binding or tucking?binding works somewhat. i don’t like that i have to wear a shirt over the binder to really get flat; if i just wear the binder it doesn’t look as smooth.

12. Do you pass?i mean the obvious response to this is “as what?” i don’t read male bc i’m smol, have a round face and a girl’s name, etc. in terms of dress i think i’m probably read as queer in some way, because of short hair and occasional “boy” clothes, but idk what people think my gender is by looking.

13. What (if any) steps do you want to take to medically transition?i want top surgery. idk how that’ll work, because i’ve been trying to get it arranged for this summer but being home is a bad experience so idk how that’s going to work. also i haven’t looked into this much but getting rid of the ability to be pregnant would be A+.

14. How long have you been out?since i got to college pretty much, so about 8 months or so

15. What labels have you used before you’ve settled on your current set?so the ones i can remember off the top of my head, in no particular order: demigirl, caedogirl, commogirl, agender, agenderflux, nonbinary girl, stargender

16. Have you ever experienced transphobia?only microaggressions, like people using overly binary language or assuming me to be a girl, etc.

17. What do you do when you have to go to the bathroom in public?my college has all gender neutral bathrooms. elsewise it depends on where i am, if i feel safe doing so i’ll use whichever bathroom is free/closer because i feel like i can identify with both binary genders to the same extent in that case

18. How does your family feel about your trans identity?my mom’s supportive, so’s my dad as far as i can tell, idk if my sister knows and i don’t care, my brother definitely does not know bc i’ve never really explained it to him (and it would be hard bc he’s got some cognitive issues and is still kinda young so it would take a while) but he’s wonderful and i’m sure he would be fine with it

19. Would you ever go stealth, and if you are stealth, why do you choose to be stealth?i wouldn’t. i don’t want to read as binary in either direction.

20. What do you wish you could have shared with your younger self about being trans?i wish i could’ve figured this out when i was like 10. i had major dysphoria all through puberty and ignored it on the basis that it was “probably just body image issues” and that i had “more important things to worry about.” i wish i could’ve known this was a possibility then so i maybe could’ve done something earlier.

21. Why do you use the pronouns you use?i use it pronouns. i don’t like binary pronouns bc i’m not binary, and i don’t like neopronouns bc they’re too weird for me (not that they’re bad, i just don’t personally like them). singular they sits weird in my head because it uses verbs in plural tense, even as a singular word. it is my compromise for that, as a singular gender neutral pronoun. it also has the added benefit of feeling right for when i want to distance myself from personhood, which i do as a mentally ill / autistic thing sometimes.

22. Do your neurodivergencies affect your gender?absofuckinglutely. i can’t conceptualize it. i really like things to make sense bc #autism, and gender doesn’t make any fucking sense. 

23. What’s your biggest trans-related fear?i don’t really know. i guess maybe people not letting me be who i am? idk. i’m in a pretty good place wrt physical danger, bc i pass as my agab, live in a pretty liberal place, and am v white. so idk.

24. What medical, social, or personal steps have you already taken to start your transition?ignoring gendered clothing, stopped having periods, telling people i use any pronouns

25. What do you wish cis people understood?i want them to know what it’s like to not be certain in your gender. i can’t understand what that certainty feels like, but it seems really strong in most cis people (and some trans people as well) and i want them to understand that not everyone has that.

26. What impact has being trans affected your life?i mean it’s a major part of my identity, so probably a lot, but idk specifics. 

27. What do you do to validate yourself?i really like the phrase “i’m the prettiest boy.” i’ll usually say that in my head when i’m having a good day, or like when i’m getting dressed in the morning and i like my outfit (even if it’s a girly outfit). it’s not technically accurate, bc i’m not really a boy, but i would prefer to be read as a boy than a girl.

28. How do you feel about trans representation in media?it’s pretty shit. there’s a couple good reps, but mostly you don’t really see it. also nonbinary rep is absolutely terrible.

29. Who is your favorite trans celebrity?ngl the only one i know is laverne cox

30. Who is the transgender person who has influenced you the most?idk

31. How are you involved with the trans community, IRL or online?last semester i went to my college’s trans affinity space (this semester it conflicted with a class i’m taking). online i just kinda talk about my gender sometimes, i’m not really that involved.

32. How do you see yourself identifying and presenting in 5 years?probably the same (autistic genderfluid), presenting boy-ish, etc.

33. What trans issue are you most passionate about?i have no passions 

(this is a lie i have many SpIns)

34. What advice would you give to other trans people, or what message would you like to share with them?whatever you id as and whatever you feel comfortable sharing is totally cool and you are rad

35. How do you feel your gender interacts with your race, disability, class, weight, etc. from the perspective of intersectionality?i mean i’d honestly say my gender identity is probably a symptom of my disability. aside from that i’ve got the thin white kid privilege in that i look like the stereotypical nonbinary. i’m fairly privileged in terms of trans stuff based on location, circumstances, appearance, etc, so yeah.

36. What, if any, is the difference between your gender identity and your gender expression?i wear what i feel like for the day. i like sundresses, and usually think of myself as more “boy in a dress” though it definitely doesn’t read that way. sometimes i wear more boys clothes, and i think i just read kind of butch rather than “boy”.

37. Do you feel more masculine, feminine, or neither?i lean masc on the basis of i’d rather err on that end of the spectrum. it’s like a balance between how i’m seen and how i feel, and the “girl” end already has a whole bunch of stuff, so i’m balancing it out by being more “boy”

38. What is your sexual and romantic orientation, and what are your thoughts on it?in big words it’s grayromantic acespike. it’s connected to my gender in the sense that it’s probably also a result of being autistic. i’ve only really been attracted to one person (my current bf), and i guess the only comment i’ll make is sometimes there’s an implication that i’m not gay enough, not because of being a-spec but bc the only person i’ve demonstrated attraction towards is the opposite binary gender from my agab. so. that’s a thing.

39. Is your ideal partner also trans, or do you not have a preference?i really don’t care. [d tag] isn’t, and he’s wonderful, so i don’t think it matters to me.

40. How did/do you manage waiting to transition?i just kind of distract myself. there’s only really one thing i want to do, and i’ve been living with dysphoria for long enough that i can kinda just wait it out until it happens.

41. What is the place (blog, website, forum, IRL space) you get most of your info on being trans or on trans related things?tumblr

42. Do you interact with other trans people IRL?i have a bunch of trans friends (not so much in my immediate friend group) but yeah

43. Are you involved in any trans-related activism?no

44. Free space! Answer any question you want, or make up your own question to answer.i don’t have the spoons to come up with a question rn but this was fun