#I just feel like everyone I know who's aspec and likes romance is super into enemies to lovers

[loosescrewslefty]

Can I just say that I'm not only grateful for the fact that Lilith IS Aspec, but for how the crew and Cissy Jones handled that revelation in Lilith's letter?

While we know that the Boiling Isles are free of sexual and gender-identity related discrimination, there is still a unique problem of asexuality in an allo world where you feel like you just don't fit in. Gwendolyn and Lilith's friends and coworkers are all super invested in her supposed romance, and don't understand why she wouldn't take interest in something like that. Them pushing her to put herself out there or accept romantic advances made at her comes from a place of love- they want her to be happy and feel loved and cherished- but it also makes Lilith uncomfortable because the relationships that they're encouraging her to partake in are not what SHE wants for herself, or something she's ever taken an interest in. She knows that they don't mean anything malicious on their actions, but it still puts Lilith in a position where she's confused and upset and feels like she's different than those around her, and that is so relatable to the experience of being asexual. Constantly having to defend yourself and try to convinced worried loved ones that you are happy and fulfilled with your family/friends/career and don't want or need a romantic relationship, and them not understanding of just thinking that you haven't met the right person yet and one day a magical someone will come and light a fire in your soul.

I also really appreciate that Lilith is an ADULT going through this. I remember I started questioning my sexuality when I was in my early twenties, because that was about the time it finally sank in that even though other men and women expressed interest in me romantically or sexually, I just wasn't comfortable with that and didn't want that sort of relationship from anybody. It was pure happenstance that I stumbled upon an art meme talking about asexuality- a term I hadn't heard of before that point- and googled it out of both idle curiosity and a desire to further educate myself. And I nearly cried as I fell down the rabbit hole of that reading because finally, FINALLY I understood why I was different from everyone around me. I had a word for what made me the way I was, and there were others that were like me as well, so I wasn't alone anymore.

For Lilith, I'm willing to bet that her fixation on Eda's curse and fixing her mistake and responsibilities as the head of the Emperor's Coven kept her from thinking too long or too hard about her own sexuality. But now that both issues are off the table and she's more focused on herself and her issues, it's finally at the forefront of her mind and it's bothering her. And I appreciate that. I appreciate that Lilith is a grown woman going through this, who know how the world works and sees how other people's relationships blossom and realizes that that's not something she wants or needs in her life. I appreciate that Lilith is never portrayed as emotionless or less human. She's clearly a loving and affectionate witch, but romantic love just isn't something she has any sort of interest in. For her, familial bonds and platonic relationships are the relationships that matter, and she just isn't interested in becoming romantically entangled with anyone.

As an adult asexual, this is the sort of representation I desperately wish I had gotten when I was younger. It could have helped me figure myself out sooner, and saved me from years of feeling like I was broken and wondering what was wrong with me because I was different from everyone else. But I am so grateful to the Owl House crew for giving this to the children growing up with this show, and potentially saving them from that pain and self-loathing.

I am so, SO grateful for Lilith Clawthorne being a canonical Aspec character in a children's show.

[aroaceconfessions]

I think it's important for everyone here to know this, especially since I noticed a lot of you seem to be pretty young.

Friendships can be abusive too. We are told about toxic relationships but it's so often linked to romance that this is something less talked about but friends can screw up your mind the same way.

I had a "friend" in high school. He was way older than me (like 7 years) so it was already not that safe but he was super abusive. He would tell me that he was not interested in having a romance with anyone and since I was not either, I felt heard and comfy. But he was jealous just like an abusive boyfriend would be. He once got super angry at me for talking to another one of my friends online while he was sleeping and I was found crying by my irl best friend. He threatened my friends and slowly made me isolate myself from anyone. He goy pissed if I didn't text him every hour. He would lower my self-esteem more and more everyday with phrases that I still have running through my head twelve years later. One in particular "if you like this song don't ruin it" comes back a lot when I'm singing, even if it's just for myself.

He was my friend, or so I thought. And he did a lot of other things that I will not mention here because they are still traumatizing and I don't want it to be tagged with triggering things that could make people miss this but please, stay safe. Abusers are not just romantic partners and as aspec, we can sometimes feel isolated and become very vulnerable to people who pretend to be our friends. Never let your boundaries be stepped on by someone just because they're your friend. Real friends respect you. Real friends are human and can make mistakes, sure, but they will not abuse you and tear your mind appart.

You all deserve the best. Whether you want friends, qpr, romantic partners, please my fellow arospec and acespec, stay safe. A little loneliness is better than an abuser and you can find real friends and people who will care about you.

[thatpinkbetch]

This is gonna be so self indulgent, but...

Aspec bkdk, with ace Bakugou and demi Midoriya.

Bakugou growing up thinking everyone was so easily distracted by sex and romance, and he wouldnt let that shit get in the way of him becoming the greatest hero ever. His feelings for Midoriya have ALWAYS confused him, because there was never any physical attraction there, and he could just tell it was never the same as the crushes everyone else around him had. The confusion only adds to his frustration - Deku is supposed to be a pebble in the road, why is he so special?

And Midoriya, never being able to tear his eyes away from Bakugou. Everyone makes fun of him for being quirkless as hes growing up, but it somehow hurts so much more when Kacchan does it. Becoming an adolescent, going into high school, the idea of sex and stuff becomes more prominent, but hes so shy! He gets flustered a lot! But then him and Kacchan get over everything, and theres actually...an opportunity for them to be close? He can...be close to Kacchan? And the closer he gets, the brighter Kacchan shines. And the older he gets, the more his heart flutters 😳😳 he may have been flustered many times, but no one has made him want to move, to reach out and connect, like Kacchan does....

And Bakugou, getting into high school, well hes got a lot of feelings he needs to sort through, a lot that doesnt make sense when he looks around himself. Once his world perception first breaks, then everything else seems to be breaking. Everyone else around him is so different, so earnest about the things they want, and by now he should have wanted the same things they do too, right? But he doesnt. He gains friends and trust and hope and drive, but he still feels lonely, isolated. And when he finally gets over his internal obstacles, and he realizes that Deku looks up to him, and that hes been forcing himself to hate Deku because its easier than caring for a self-destructive idiot, he starts to realize just how much hes held back. Is his heart supposed to be twisting like that? This stupid fucker, so damn fucking special. Always has been...

Talking with Kaminari and Kirishima, well, he cant hide how important Deku is to him, not from his closest friends. And Kaminari teases him about his crush, but Bakugou is irritated, like "thats not fucking it! I don't want that from him..." Neither of them believe him, Kaminari looking smug, Kirishima sympathetic, but he knew they wouldnt understand.

But thats the catalyst. Its a slow realization, it happens over time, just pondering at first. But maybe...it is a crush? But...crushes make you want to do things...things he doesnt really want. But the more he thinks about it...and Deku...the more he blushes as hes falling asleep in bed, imagining it all 😖😖

Needless to say, hes super in love with Deku. And its really hard to figure out as a teenager, so he doesn't. He figures it out when they're a little older, out of high school. Hes more confidant in himself, though figuring himself out is still an ongoing process.

Well, anyway, Midoriya is also rather confidant in himself, having learned self worth and that he deserves happiness, and he confesses to the one person hes ever loved, and holy shit, Kacchan loves him back. What happens now? Well, they find out that the other...is just like them. And honestly Midoriya cries, and Bakugou comes really fucking close. Its such a relief to know theres no pressure. And maybe as they get older and find more comfort in their bodies and their relationship, theyre willing to try things, but in the end, theyre simply content knowing that they are the others person, that no matter where they live and who they meet, they are each others home 💖💖💖

No ace experiences are the same of course!! This is just heavily based on mine 😅😅

[epitheterasedgen]

heck it. self-indulgence time.

✨EE aspec headcanons✨

(obviously, romance mentions below! a few of the characters are Token Allos (TM))

Molly: the aroace kid who's always like "yeah I don't really get romance but I guess I'll get it when I'm older" and keeps saying that until she's almost 30 and finally someone's like "wow you've never dated before?! are you aro/ace?" and she's like "oh huh I guess I probably am" and then it's never a big deal again

she's also super grossed out by the concept of sex, even well into adulthood, which is Yet Another Reason why it is absolutely perfect for Percy to adopt her because it's just a topic that Never comes up in their household

Sylvie: honestly the only character I don't have a solid grasp on in terms of attraction, though I HC swap!Sylvie as alloaro so I guess canon Sylvie is probably the same, it's just not relevant yet since he's young and a late bloomer in terms of hormones. plus he's just focused on his work more than anything else

Gio: I fear what Jello is going to do to him in the future, bc this boy gives off the MOST oblivious aromantic vibes EVER and I know Jello's track record. but listen idc what happens in canon, Giovanni's dream future is to live with all his Boys as platonic housemates and he has no idea he's aro because romance literally isn't something he even THINKS about. he's probably also ace with the same reasoning

Mera: my Token Allo (TM). she's a die-hard hopeless romantic and moronsexual, but that's not really headcanon that's just canon I mean cmon—

Indus: it took me a stupidly long time to realize that my interpretation of Indus is just "romance-positive partnering aro" because that's not a genre I dip into a lot but it sure fits him. he doesn't really! understand romance?? or actually feel "romantic" attraction. but he likes Lady Mera and he'd do anything to make her happy! :D so if she wants him to bring her flowers and a candlelit dinner, he'll do it!! she just better be prepared for him to pick a bunch of dandelion weeds and accidentally set the table on fire

...actually now that I'm typing this out, it explains why Mera/Indus bothers me so much less than other ships aghasdkflgh

Percy: realistically she's just the Oblivious Aroace (TM) along with Giovanni. same as Gio she has no idea she's aroace because it's just not even something she Thinks about, but if someone gave her a vocabulary lesson she'd be like "oh yes that fits me :)" and continue to not perceive romantic advancements even if they hit her in the face. she's already married to JUSTICE, sorry everyone <3

(I portray her as more apothiromantic/romance-repulsed on my RP blog but that's just because projecting onto Percy is cheaper than therapy)

Ramsey: ok highkey my headcanons on Ramsey shift depending on the AU (don't ask how many AUs I have hahaha) but normally he falls somewhere in the range of "allo ally" who Knows All The Terms (from spending so much time online) and is probably the person who gives Percy a vocabulary lesson despite being allo himself

Zora: as much as I'd LOVE to see an aspec Zora, I think she'd look and act a bit different from canon Zora. I swear I didn't mean to make both main antagonists the Token Allos, but they're also the ones most fans want to date so y'know what, whatever. I personally think cowboys are overrated but y'all go crazy

Howie: CANON AROACE KING... specifically I imagine him as anti-romance, not because it repulses him, but because all that time you waste on "love" could be used for DOING YOUR JOB!!! (in a serious setting I'd say Howie isn't ideal aro rep bc he embodies a lot of negative stereotypes about aros, but EE is a comedy and people need to lighten up about the fact that EVERYONE is gonna have weirdly exaggerated personality traits; the show literally wouldn't be funny if they didn't; seriously guys leave Jello alone about the rep)

Meryl: ok she's not in EE but this is MY blog and I pick the comfort characters! anyway Meryl experiences a lot of alterous attraction AKA she has trouble distinguishing between very different forms of attraction (platonic/romantic/sensual/sexual/ect.) and they all just sorta blur together into one big Anxious Mess (TM). as opposed to Percy and Gio, she spends a LOT of time thinking about this and trying to figure out What she's feeling, but it never helps and at this point she's pretty much given up trying. she just needs a hug ok

in various AUs I've put her in romantic, platonic, QPP, and co-parental relationships, and she's pretty much happy with whatever :)

Eros: I feel the need to include him because I included Meryl, also bc while he is allo as heck and has definitely dated in the past, he's also just a super uplifting guy who uses flirting as a form of affection and to make people feel good. he's one of those "somehow weirdly pure" characters because he's so unabashed about everything and most of his flirting is sphallolalia, which is one of my new favorite words I just learned and means "flirting that leads nowhere." he also just has a deep appreciation for a good laugh, and a lot of his joke wells are pickup lines!

[disasterdemi]

This is the demiromantic anon that asked for love advice. I appreciated the meme (I think that's what that was? I'm an 80 year old in a teenage body) but I kind of need advice. He's a close friend - we've been friends for almost 3 years now and I have no idea how he feels and I don't want to wreck our good friendship. Please send help (and more memes, I really liked the one you posted with your message, it made me laugh)

Of course!

Before I say anything else though, a good friendship should be able to survive people catching romantic feelings. Despite what the alloromantics will tell you, friendship and romantic attraction can coexist! People can still be friends even if they have different types of feelings for each other, as long as there's consent and communication about it. (I'll talk more about this towards the end).

Anywho, I wanted this to be somewhat thorough which means it got... rather long. So I'll put the rest under a read more:

I’d suggest doing a few things:

1. Work out what you want

This is a very important first step! We often say attraction ≠ action with regards to orientation (like asexual doesn’t mean celibate, etc) but it goes the other way too. You have a crush on your friend, but it’s completely up to you whether you want to act upon it or not. You can enjoy the feeling of liking someone romantically, but not want to be in a relationship. Or you may decide that you do really want to go out with him. Have a good think about what you actually want to do with these feelings before you initiate any conversations.

Along the same lines, think about your more specific wants and boundaries. Like, do you want to hold hands, or kiss, or call him your boyfriend, etc? But also, what are you not comfortable doing (especially if you end up dating) – for example, I think parts of my romance aversion tend to stick around for a while even after I catch feelings for someone, so I’d want to communicate that to the person (e.g. “I don’t feel comfortable kissing just yet, but hugging and holding hands are okay” or whatever).

2. Work out how he feels

To be honest this is the hardest one to offer advice on because it is so dependent on the people involved. But uhh here are some ideas:

For some people, the best option is to just be frank about it. Like: “Hey, I like you romantically and I’d be interested in [insert stuff from part 1 here] with you.” (Probably not those words exactly haha they’re a bit dispassionate). Maybe also mention that you value your friendship just as much, and that he shouldn’t feel bad if he’s not interested in doing those things. If you feel confident enough and think your friendship is pretty solid - so he wouldn’t freak out if he doesn’t like you back - then this is a good option.

However, it sounds from your ask like that road might be a bit intimidating. Which is totally understandable! In which case, you might want to do some sleuthing first :P

Has he had a crush on anyone while you’ve known him? If so, how did he act around them, how did he talk about them, etc – and is he doing anything like that with you?

Recruit a mutual friend to do some reconnaissance (I’m making this sound way more dramatic than it is haha). If you have someone you trust to do this, then this is probably the least personally risky option? Maybe?

Some people suggest starting to do flirty/romantic things like lingering touches or whatever but I’ll admit that rings my Consent alarm bells, and I feel like it could lead to miscommunication. Up to you though.

NOTE! In my opinion, asking them “Do you have a crush?” Or “Who do you have a crush on?” is probably the least likely to yield usable results. Especially with teenagers. It’s bloody intimidating to confess to your crush if they ask you outright without establishing that they like you first. (Again, why option 1 can be good if you feel confident enough. He’s more likely to admit he reciprocates if you take the first step.)

3. Go about getting what you both want

(if you don't want to change your current friendship/relationship)

If you're happy just chilling in your romantic feelings and not doing anything about them, you can probably either

Continue as you have been

Explain the situation to him. This could help if you want to make sure he understands why you might be behaving differently towards him.

(if he likes you back and you want to change your current relationship with him)

If you go with sleuthing, once you’ve worked out if he likes you I still strongly recommend telling him how you feel (see: 2.1). Communicate communicate communicate. You won’t get want you want if you don’t communicate. Dropping hints is just so rarely successful and can cause a whole lot of miscommunication, so I know it’s scary but if you think he likes you back you’re better of having an open, honest conversation about it.

Then after that, you can go about explaining the stuff you thought about in part 1! If being aspec has taught you anything, hopefully it’s that no two relationships are the same – so talk about what you both want so everyone is consenting and happy! Listen to him as well, and encourage him to think about his wants and boundaries. Maybe even give him a few days to think about them before continuing the conversation.

4. What to do if he doesn’t like you back

You can’t control other people’s feelings. This is so important. Of course, you can be sad if he doesn’t like you back, but remember that it’s not his fault, (it’s also not your fault for catching feelings,) and make sure he knows you are okay with him not returning your feelings! He’ll probably feel bad, so again reiterate that you don’t value a romantic relationship with him any more than your friendship.

Then you should both try to be sensitive to boundaries (probably talk about them if you can):

You might need some time away from him. That’s okay and understandable, but tell him that’s why and that it’s not because you don’t want to be friends anymore.

He might want some space from you. It can be uncomfortable for people to know someone has an unreciprocated crush on them. Maybe he’ll need some time to get used to it. But if he doesn’t bring it up, make sure you check.

Where do you go from here?

(Super important!!) Like I said earlier, people can have different feelings about each other and still get on well! You can like him romantically and he can like you platonically and you can still be good friends! So:

You shouldn’t have to “get over him” (unless you want to). A crush is about your feelings, not expectations from him. But make sure to ask him how comfortable he is with that knowledge - and explain the point before this if you need to.

On the one hand, he might be more comfortable if you stick to strictly platonic things. Make sure you respect that.

On the other hand, maybe he’s actually okay with some aspects from part 1. Maybe he’d like to hug you more, or is okay holding your hand (platonically?), but doesn’t want to kiss you or be your boyfriend. People can do things together that have different meanings to each of them, as long as there’s consent and communication.

Final note: Please please don't take this as an instruction manual - these are just my own thoughts, and what works for some people won't always work for others. So use my answer more as something to start from - something to form your own ideas from. Use pieces that you think will work, and discard others. You know yourself and your friend much better than I do :)

Best of luck dear Anon, I hope you and your friend figure stuff out <3

And as a send-off, here's a relevant old meme of mine for you :)

(There are also plenty more memes in my memes tag (link in the description at the top of my blog) if you haven’t already seen them lol)

[meew3]

Some little things/microaggressions (but not always done purposefully) that make you feel like the ‘weird one/broken/etc’when you’re asexual/asexual spectrum:

Being told “when you get married”, “when you get a boyfriend/girlfriend”, “when you have your first kiss/start enjoying kissing”, “when you’re first with a woman/man [sexually]”

“You’re just a late bloomer, you’ll find someone.”

“Everyone has urges/needs.”

“Wow your father/mother/parents are probably relived you haven’t dated anyone!” or, from a parent or parental figure, “Oh it’s been great not having to worry [as much] about someone [significant other] playing with your heart/etc because you aren’t interested anyway.”

People acting like you’re “weird” or “childish” or not being and “adult” for being disgusted/repulsed by sex scenes in movies/shows

If you headcanon or see a character as aspec personally,  being labeled a homophobe because apparently friends can never be good character foils of each other, and treat each other with genuine love and affection without it being romantic or sexual

Having no non-romance route/choice in a game that is not romance-oriented/having to chose between “straight or bi” and that’s it

Having the non-romance routes be seen as “less” and the game makers either not making any content for NOT going on a date or whatever so you’re character is all lonely and ‘uwu i wish I had someone to go to the dance with’ or having the friend event/outing be written like any other time-killing event, nothing special about it

People saying either you or someone you know who are super close to/have a strong bond with someone are “just friends”, as if that makes the  person you’ve bonded with less than a s/o or spouse

On the flipside, people seeing you or other people having a good strong relationship with someone and saying “There’s no way that JUST FRIENDS would treat each other like that” --- as in??? genuine love and affection? Hugging? Supporting one another? Helping each other out when one is struggling? Cheering for them and encouraging them? Ok, I guess friends can’t do that without it being romantically or sexually motivated

People straight up saying you’re “weird”

(Feel free to add aspec people. Aphobes do not interact)

[quondam-et-futurus]

bbc merlin aspec headcanons

because I’m aroace and no one can stop me

Arthur: Greyromantic (and bi). It was a long time before he had a crush, he has maybe two before Gwen and they go away pretty quickly. As far as he was concerned he was better off without worrying about that kind of thing. When he first started to like Gwen it took him a while to figure out what he was feeling, and then it sort of freaked him out and he didn’t know what to with that. He’s more comfortable  taking things slow and he’s kind of uncertain about typical romance-coded activities. This part kind of goes against canon, but I kind of think that, while he’s not big on getting married, he’d be totally happy marrying someone like Mithian or Elena who he gets along with and respects, even if he doesn’t have romantic feelings for them if it weren’t for the fact that he’s in love with Gwen. He grew up seeing marriage as primarily someone he’d trust to rule with him and want to know for the rest of his life, and he was totally fine with that. I usually think of him as bisexual, but I can also see him as ace (in which case he’s still biromantic in addition to grey-ro) and I kind of love interpreting him that way? Ace Arthur is very good, y’all. Gwen is obviously super accepting of it, and they talk about how they might approach choosing an heir from the other people at court when the time comes. If we’re talking Merthur, then I think that it takes him incredibly long to be even remotely aware that he’s into him. Actually, even if he doesn’t love Merlin romantically, I think he absolutely loves him and values him immensely, not to mention how much he care about and is protective of his knights. This boy needs found family and non-normative relationship models so badly. I do have to say this makes the number of love spells that get put on him kinda awful ‘cause as an aro person that’s freaking terrifying, but I still love the headcanon. Merlin: Asexual (and either bi or gay depending on the day, which fics I’ve been reading, and how recently i’ve watched lady of the lake). I feel like I don’t have to say much because this is pretty popular? But yeah. Big fan of ace Merlin. I don’t always headcanon him as ace, and I’m a huge fan of a lot of headcanons I’ve seen or fics I’ve read where he’s totally not, but yeah. Ace Merlin. 10/10, two thumbs up.

Leon: Aroace. Again, I don’t feel like I have to say much? I’ve seen a lot of people share this one. He’s aroace, he loves his friends, and he’s very tired. Let this man take a nap.

Elyan: Asexual (and bi). Idk, I saw someone say this and I just thought it was rad.

Morgana: Aromantic lesbian. Look. Morgana is a lesbian. I agree wholeheartedly with everyone else on this, and all y’all out there shipping Morgwen are valid as heck. Sometime when I think about Morgana, I don’t read her as aro, but sometimes I just need to project a bit so here goes. Aromantic Morgana who has always thought of friendship and family as hugely important and doesn’t see why people think of romantic relationships as inherently better. Aro Morgana who’s more that a little smug about not getting crushes when she sees how the other kids her age act with them. Aro Morgana who bonds with Arthur about this and calls him a traitor the first time he gets his first rare, short-lived crush. Aro Morgana who clings to her friendships and feels all the more betrayed by Merlin for it. Aro Morgana who feels like her sister is the most important person in the world. Aro Morgana who has always felt, deep down, like she’s isolated and set apart and who ends up all alone.

[mcrmadness]

This is just me talking about (my) asexuality and aromanticism and mainly about how I figured I'm aroace. I'm from Finland and recently turned 30 so my experience and "lgbt+ history" might not be what you know it as, especially if you are not from Europe, or if your native language is English.

Also this is highly personal, so I doubt anyone here will have 100% same experience. But that's fine because remember: we're all individuals here and these are NEVER universal. You're still valid even if you wouldn't relate to what being aspec is to me.

It might be IS a long post so beware, but I've just been feeling like writing down some thoughts so here we go...

What I have been able to track is that I was 17, in 2008, when I first stumbled upon the term "asexuality". I don't remember exactly how, but I just remember reading about it and immediately going "yeah that's me". But what I do remember is that no one talked it being about sexual attraction. Basically how understood it was: asexuality = sex-repulsion.

I was 17, and somehow I knew I was sex-repulsed, but at the same time also thought I'm just a minor, so it's normal to be sex-repulsed. But even after turning 18, I don't recall ever feeling sexual attraction. I didn't think of myself as a "late bloomer" but just as someone who just has no interest towards sex. At some point I became really anxious of men, however. Nothing has ever happened to me* but still I, for some reason, developed terrible fear of men. I'm afab and just did not want to be seen as an object, and it made, still makes me, terrified to think someone might look at me and have Emotions. I know that we can't control our brains, I mean, I can't look at someone and force myself to feel attraction - just like those who do feel attraction, can't force themselves to stop feeling attraction. They can only control their actions. But yeah, I also had horrible (sexual) intrusive thoughts due to my generalized anxiety disorder at some point, which did not really help. They got a bit better when I came into terms with my asexuality and aromanticism, but sometimes they still come at me and it's never fun, but at least they're not as strong as what they used to be.

*(Unless if you can count that as sexual harrasment when, CW, I was 11 and a classmate was "into" me and tried to touch my face and talk "sweet things" to me but made it into a show despite me being uncomfortable and usually crying cos as a neurodivergent I didn't know how else to react.)

But anyway, back to the topic. So for years I understood asexuality as sex-repulsion, but I guess it's because I, well, am a sex-repulsed ace. So if I'm sex-repulsed, why would I then look at someone and feel something if I'm repulsed by the thing anyway? Like, it probably can't get any simpler than this :D And I know today that it's not as simple anymore. But that was 2008, at school (in ~2005) they only talked about gays a little, on one page in a sex.ed. book that otherwise was maybe 100 pages long. Only one page. About gays. And it was basically "Some boys like boys or some girls like girls and it's totally fine." and that was it, but the overall assumption was that everyone likes someone. And also there were no romantic orientations. Liking someone = both sexually and romantically. Not liking = not a thing except when you were depressed or otherwise mentally ill, or autistic or mentally disabled (which is a SUPER ableist take btw). I don't remember teachers ever talking about this, but it could also just be my adhd, maybe they did mention, but I just don't remember. At least in my notebooks there is no mention of this, everything was very much heteronormative and amatonormative, and also there was only two genders. I don't remember ever hearing about transgender people, apart from foreign documentaries and in them they were always portrayed as some shocking freaks of the nature, and loads of wrong terms were used. And this is still the mid and late 2000s we're talking about!

So this takes us to the other part aka aromanticism. Back then asexuality was not only sex-repulsion but also merged together with aromanticism, because people didn't talk about romantic orientations yet. So asexuality was not only sex-repulsion, but also you simply just not wanting a relationship. Again, nothing about attraction, just someone who did not care about sex nor relationships. A "forever single", if you will.

This was already annoying me a lot back then because I was really annoyed by sex "running the world". I was so angry because why is asexual the only sexuality that doesn't like sex? All the other sexualities had the assumption of them always wanting to have sex. Like, even think about someone who is straight, you hear that someone is straight, and you automatically assume(d) that oh they're into sex too cos why wouldn't they be. This was really driving me nuts because I was sure there are people who want to have a partner, but never want to have sex! I was still experiencing crushes, and I knew for sure it was nothing sexual, so it annoyed me that just because I'm asexual, it means I can't have crushes. That's why I actually called myself as "asexual bi" for a while, because "bisexual" indicated I would have not been sex-repulsed and I wanted to point out that I'm NOT into sexual things, at all - and remember that this was still the late 2000s or early 2010s and I had not heard of romantic orientations yet! So I was up to something, there just were no terms for that yet! Today that would be called bi-/panromantic asexual.

I haven't been able to track the exact date or even year when did I figure out I'm aromantic, or when did I hear about romantic orientations for the first time. From the messages I've been able to find, I was already in my early 20s. Aka somewhere around maybe 2011-2013. In those, I have still been wondering what I am or if I even want to have a relationship, not being really able to tell what I wanted or didn't want. Again, no one told me romantic orientations are about ATTRACTION and not about whether you have commitment issues or not (this as a half-joke, cos I have severe commitment issues with everything :D I need to feel free!).

Anyway, I do remember my key moment with aromanticism, or the "aromantic awakening" as you could call it too, was when I was 17 or 18. Or maybe I was older? I don't know, I have time blindness. Anyway, I had this one online friend I had a "crush" on (I think it was just undiagnosed adhd's person hyperfixation) and I even told her about it. Everything just is super shady, from those years, I was not really on my best and there are so many overlapping memories that feel like different alternative universes instead of memories on a same timeline. Anyway, I just remember at some point thinking about this girl and I thought about some "romantic" stuff, like kissing, and I just remember my brain going "NOOOOOPE!" I had wanted to meet with her some day so bad, but when I started thinking about actually meeting with her, I started to nope the fuck out. All I had in my head was awkward embarrassing "first kiss" scenarios from movies and I just was not having it! I basically went "lol I guess I'm aro too, then XD" but I still don't remember when did I have this realization. Was I 17? Or was I, say, 22? I guess I need to go through my old MSN Messenger and Skype convos some day to investigate this further because I really want to know. I couldn't even find anything from my Tumblr from those times (I registered here in 2011), but I don't know if that's just me not tagging or Tumblr search functioning normally (aka it never finds anything).

But yeah, I am touch-repulsed. And kiss-repulsed, and romance-repulsed, too, (unless it's my OTP we're talking about). I'm still not exactly sure if I'm touch repulsed because I'm aromantic, or if I'm aromantic because I'm touch-repulsed. I only know that because of my sensory issues (I'm neurodivergent), I have never liked touching nor being touched. Even as a little kid I hated hugs and never liked sitting on anyone's lap. I only tolerated my parents, mainly my mom, because they were my safe place as an extremely shy baby/toddler/kid, who was especially wary about men. I can't explain the latter, but there was something about adult men that caused me (as a baby) to hide my face against my mom's shoulder if they talked to me. I did that to everyone I didn't know, but especially to men I didn't know. No idea why.

I also remember how my siblings loved to sit on people's laps and were always climbing onto their laps, and I didn't like this. And once my (late) grandma was so touched when she asked me if I want to sit on her lap (I was maybe 5-7?) and I agreed just to make her happy. I still remember how it felt, and I did not like it at all, but it still made my grandma so happy that I THINK she almost cried when she told my mom I actually agreed to sit on her lap. I'm not sure how real this last part of the memory is because I was so young. But I do remember thinking I do that for a change because I knew my grandma would be happy.

So yeah, my touch-repulsion is not exactly a new thing but just something that has been a part of my personality forever. But is that the core reason for why I only feel aesthetic attraction? I never look at people and feel like I wanna touch. More of the opposite, the idea of having to touch them or them touching me makes me go "eeewww". If you have seen that video of a gibbon shaking their whole body after seeing a rat in their exhibit? That's what I feel like when I think about touching or being touched, in just any way, also platonically.

The only time I feel "sensual attraction" is when I see photos or videos of animals. The urge to pet a tiger is insane. But the feel of another human's skin or muscle (or hair or whatever) is very repulsive to me.

I still remember how disgusting it felt to e.g. sit on a cousin's lap. We sometimes used swings like this, and somehow I was aware of it not feeling nice, but still not doing anything about it cos it also was okay? Only later I have realized I really, really loathe the texture of human skin. Or the warmth and overall feeling of a human body. For example, I was at least 7 or younger when I sat on my cousin's lap while we were sitting on a swing and STILL, after over 20 years, I have that all in my body memory. I remember how the thigh bone felt under my legs and how freaking disgusting the muscles felt inbetween. Also at school, on the 1st grade, we often had to walk in a line of twos after the teacher and hold the pair's hand so no one gets lost. My then-friend had so ridiculously dry skin that the only thing I could think of was how I felt like throwing up because the skin on her palm felt so damn disgusting. I still can feel that in my hand when I think of it. That's one of my "core memories" from 1st grade - how disgusting the human skin can feel like.

I don't think I have ever felt actual romantic attraction towards anyone. It's really difficult to differentiate because as I mentioned, I get those people hyperfixations easily. I guess it's the same hormones but I never really want to do anything with them? I guess it's the emotional intimacy that "attracts" me and what gets me excited, but I'm still not exactly sure what emotional intimacy means to me. I don't exactly fall into the QPR category either, in a way I wish I had a best friend whose best friend also I would be, and that neither would have anyone else who is "better" than the other one. But the only intimacy there would be emotional intimacy, nothing else. And I need my freedom so I wouldn't move in with any human being, either.

Sometimes I've thought my "ideal partner" would be a robot because if I get annoyed, I could just turn it off and stuff into a closet and leave there, and if I felt like not having a "relationship" anymore, I could just remove the harddrive and destroy the robot, or both. That way I would be the only one with the memories, and I wouldn't have to worry about someone out there knowing things about me, things that only the closest can know, and I'm really afraid of letting anyone close in case it won't work (also with regular friendships) because I can't stop thinking about how much I wish I had that MIB memory cancelling device so that they would again know almost nothing, or at least much much less about me. There's already one friendship that ended a few years ago and I still keep thinking about how I wish I could take everything back and how I wish they delete(d) all the files and drawings and stuff I sent them. There are so many things about me I wish I never told them, now as we are no longer friends. Back then it felt like "of course this is gonna last a lifetime!" but turns out that nope, not all friendships will.

I guess it's time to stop rambling. This post is really long already. If you read it all the way here: congrats. And thanks. You probably just wasted your time but... that's on you I guess :DDD But yeah, some thoughts from a 30-years-old aroace who has been aware of their identity for at least or almost 10 years now.

[nyctolovian]

TMA S1 Archival Team Headcanons

A lot of sexuality/gender headcanons but also some misc headcanons that are somewhat related??? I'm writing this cos idk how else to celebrate ace week so I'm just plopping this down here.

Jon

Not a headcanon but AAAAAA I'm so happy he's canonically ace :""

Has no clue what the hell people are talking about when they talk about attractiveness

Used to think he was pansexual because "well, I think everyone looks attractive in the same amount" (turns out same amount is Zero.)

Now he knows he's a panromantic ace

Ace flavour: fluctuating between sex-favourable and sex-neutral

Quite enjoys sex (when he's in the mood)

But he *hates* kissing. Full-on kiss on the lips is gross

Hair kisses and hand kisses are very welcome though!!

That's why there is no kissing in The Magnus Archives (frankly, kissing sounds are gross to me so thank you rusty quill)

Nonbinary. Pronouns are probably he/him/they/them. But he doesn't rly talk about it because it feels like too much trouble

Skirts!!! Gosh! Long flowy skirts are his favourite. They're comfortable and he feels a little pretty in them

Martin

Idk he comes off as someone who doesn't want labels

Love is love to him.

Once he has a crush, he crushes H A R D

If you watch his ears, you'd see how nervous he gets around Jon. Cos they go red

Started painting his nails to stop himself from biting them (self-projection lmaooo)

Now he paints them for fun! His favourite nail polish is baby blue!

My HC for him morphs between trans and cis ;-; I can't decide ;-;

Sasha

Aromantic heterosexual (there are too few Allo aro rep out here so I'm making them myself!!!!)

Will beat you up if u call her straight (and so will I)

She and Jon bond over being aspec. Just constant jokes of "pffft sexual/romantic attraction? What's that? Can you eat it?"

She loves going on dates! They're fun!

Isn't too stoked about romance and falling in love... Esp how society seems to put them on a pedestal because it makes her feel left out

Also because romance looks unnecessarily messy

Really wants a QPR but is very specific about what she wants out of it

Incredibly specific about terminologies (let's face it, she's bothered enough by the calliope thing to barge into Jon's recording)

Specifically, she never wants to be "an item" or "couple" with someone. She doesn't like her status to be referred to with nouns???

Saying she's "dating" someone or "married" is fine.

Tim

Bi-con

Hawaiian shirts and finger guns

The most open about his sexuality of the gang.

Big Fat Crush on everyone in the archival team

"What were the requirements for working in this archival team???? Must be hot?????"

Biggest Fattest Crush on Sasha though

In No-One-Dies AU, I'd think the two of them will be in a QPR

They have a ton of conversations to clarify the feelings between them

Tim is super understanding of Sasha's discomforts and boundaries

((they marry))

S1 Polycule

I can 100% imagine this happening

After JonMartin and TimSasha marry, they realise it feels like a four-way marriage

So they just roll with it and now they're a polycule

Cuddlepiles and movies every Friday

So so much teasing and banter and also cuddles

They used to sleep separately (Jon/Martin and Tim/Sasha). Then they started mixing it up and swapping around based on mood

After a while they decided it was better to just push two beds together and just all sleep together

Sometimes if there are some steamy bedroom business going on, people who aren't in the mood (mostly Jon) take the couch until everything is settled

[arodabi]

Thank you so much for that post about aro characters. Honestly as an aroace who figured it out in my twenties and used to beat myself over the fact I didn't experience any kind of attraction, the erasure makes me so mad because it was super hurtful and I would have liked to know that it was not me who had a problem but simply was experiencing another kind of orientation 1/2

+ I find aro representation to be great even for people who aren’t aro as, you know, romance is not the only way and even if you experience attraction other kind of relationships can be just as fulfilling and you shouldn’t have to be in a romantic relationship/interested in one for other people to think you are valuable. 2/2

i totally feel u!! i spent so long feeling horrible about myself and I could have not had to go through all that if I could have seen being aspec was 1 a thing you can be and 2 something that's actually good 

and ur right aro rep is good for everyone. the number of posts n stuff by people terrified that they will never find the one true love or whatever is honestly kinda heartbreaking

[your-turn-to-role]

I kinda thought of it as Travis finding an excuse to flirt with his wife. *shrug* I'm not super committed to ships/shipping tho so I may not have the most popular thoughts on any of it. Aro fojrd headcannon is gold tho all for that kinda headcannon

yeah i think if it had been just that, it would have been just that?

but my issue is more, travis said multiple times on talks earlier in the campaign he doesn’t want to do dnd romance, he never wants to do dnd romance, and laura was like “yeah i bet i can change your mind”

which is a sentiment i kinda hate on principle, because i’ve been getting that my entire life from everyone i know who’s not also aspec, and it doesn’t feel great that that, won, regardless of actual story, if you feel me?

[banetteartt]

Aromantic Spectrum Awareness Week 2021 is here!

February 21st - 27th

This is my first time making a post/participating in ASAW and I’m super excited! Also! I recognize that some of the terms I may use are not universally understood and that some people may be new to this entire thing so I will include definitions for any terms I use beneath everything^^

What is ASAW?

In the same vein as Pride Month, ASAW is a week dedicated to celebrating as well as spreading awareness & acceptance for those who identify as belonging to the Aromantic Spectrum!

You can read more about it and it’s establishment here: https://aromantic.lgbt/AAW

What is Aromanticism?

Aromanticism is the blanket name for a spectrum of romantic orientations which are characterized by little to no romantic attraction at all! However, it’s important to recognize that it is a spectrum united by not experiencing romantic attraction in the societal “standard” way; what it means to identify as aromantic can differ wildly between two aspec people. Aromantic people can be completely fine with romantic interactions, indifferent, totally repulsed, or any in-between! There are a ton of more specific identities that fall under the aromantic spectrum: Lithromantic, Grey-romantic, Aroflux, Quoiromantic, and tons more with even more micro-labels! Please note; aromanticism is distinct from choosing not to be in a relationship. We haven’t decided that we just don’t want to participate in romance, we inherently experience it differently.

My Aromantic Identity

Okay so I’m pretty open about my identity and belonging to the aromantic spectrum, but I’d like to offer just one perspective. Just to make it all clear: I generally identify as Aromantic Queer or Aromantic wlw!^^ I have several sonas that are canonically lithromantic, but I identify just as “Aromantic.” I typically am indifferent to romance/romantic interactions, but sometimes I swing between indifference and being completely repulsed by romantic interactions.

Growing up, I didn’t think anything of my aromanticism for a long time. Obviously media (at least in Western cultures, I can’t speak for other cultures) is INSANELY oversaturated with romance, and I had SEEN romance in movies and shows, but I mean there were also dragons and lightsabers in those movies so I never really thought it was weird that I wouldn’t relate to the romantic subplots. It was fiction and it was all produced, I didn't need to relate. 

Then suddenly, all my friends had crushes. People started dating in school. Everyone I communicated with just wanted to talk about some person they were interested in or how excited they were to be asked to some dance. I didn’t get it, and I started getting worried. You know how you kinda just assume that everyone experiences life the way you do for certain things? I just assumed that everyone felt the way I did about romance, but it was just a thing that people did and they were just better at playing the role than I was. I figured everyone was faking it til they made it. So when my friends would finish telling us about their crushes/relationships and would turn to me with, “What about you Ban? Who do you have a crush on?” I panicked, racked my brain for any guy in any class who was generally nice and said, “That one; I have a crush on that one.” 

It would be years of this point and choose technique until I would finally talk to a member of my school’s LGBT+ group and learn what it means to be “aromantic.” I cannot describe the relief I felt when I found out that, no, everyone isn’t just faking it til they made it, you’re just aromantic Ban. It would take me a few years of digging my feet into the ground against arophobia and self-consciousness before I would really come out as aromantic, but I have now and I have literally never felt more assured in any aspect of my identity than my aromanticism.

Do Aromantic People Date?

This is by far the question I get the most when I talk about aromanticism, but don’t feel bad if you were thinking it- I get why alloromantics ask this question and I don’t mind answering it! The honest answer is: it depends on the person. Sorry, that might not be the solid answer you wanted, but it's the true one. Of course, let me elaborate. In my experience, those on the aromantic spectrum may date only other aromantics, prefer queerplatonic life partners, or even be in romantic relationships with alloromantic people! The real keypoint is that dating often looks different to aromantic people than the social standard.

I have an alloromantic girlfriend! I’m happy in my relationship! However, the relationship was entirely instigated on her end and I explained to her in depth that I am aromantic and I can’t always be the romantic partner that society tells us we should be, and she understands that. I guess the takeaway here is really just: ask. If you have an aromantic person in your life and you’re curious, just ask them if they are open to dating or life partners. But respect their answer; and respect their choice to not tell you if they decide they don’t want to.

So Happy ASAW!

I’m so glad to have the opportunity to share my own story and to raise awareness! To close everything out; aromantic identities are essential to LGBT+ communities because our identities allow us as a whole to ask ourselves what relationships mean and can be in the same way that nonbinary individuals allow us to question what our genders mean and can be. People belonging to the aromantic spectrum aren’t broken, we don’t need to be fixed, and we can live our lives in the absence of romance just as happy and content as alloromantics can in their romantic relationships. We aren’t “late bloomers,” this isn’t a phase, and aro kids deserve just as much respect as aro adults. Someone who thinks that they are aromantic only to come to the conclusion later that they aren’t don’t “disprove” aromanticism the same way bisexual individuals who may find out they’re actually gay later don’t “disprove” the bisexual identity. If you belong to the aromantic spectrum and you’re reading this, I’d love to hear from you! Leave your story in the comments and we can really come together and celebrate our identities! Thank you so much for hearing me out^^

Terms

Lithromantic: romantic attraction without the desire for reciprocation

Grey-romantic: a romantic orientation on the aromantic spectrum; identifying with some elements of aromanticism or the aromantic spectrum, without identifying as solely aromantic

Aroflux: someone whose romantic orientation fluctuates but generally stays on the aromantic spectrum

Quoiromantic: not understanding or actively disidentifying with romance/romantic attraction/romantic orientation as sensible/applicable categories, personally; feeling that these categories are personally inaccessible, inapplicable, or nonsensical

Arophobia: a range of negative attitudes and feelings toward aromanticism or aromantic people

Alloromantic: the opposite of aromantic; a person who experiences romantic attraction or romantic desire in a clear, consistent, frequent enough manner to have no relationship to the aromantic spectrum

Queerplatonic: an umbrella expression to indicate that a relationship defies the divide between romantic partnership and "just" friends

[ayy-spec]

Anything to Add?

The final question in this survey was a write-in section for people to leave any additional comments. 113 people responded.

Important/Particularly Interesting Comments

• I hope this goes well for you because you seem nice and if you have any advice for new to the community 15 year olds like me, don't be afraid to share because I'm trying to embrace my sexuality as much as possible but it can be hard when I don't know where to go or turn to to find what I'm supposed to do and where to ask questions and just fully embrass this part of me and it can be hard when I don't even know many if any aspecs so representation is great and it is helpful to hear your experiences and how you handle certain parts, so just keep doing what your doing because it is making a difference [note: 🥺🥺😭]

• i often consider myself more as just aroace rather than aro and ace seperately so i prefer seeing the blue and orange aroace flag over the individual aro and ace flags

• I don't really shorten my identity often with aroace, only when im feeling very romance repulsed and its been a while since I felt romantic attraction. I am a pan-demiromantic asexual. My pan label makes me feel more connected to the lgbt+ community bc it feels like my nonbinary and intersex status doesn't count either. I know I belong in the queer community, but the lgbt+ community is so sexual orientation focused.

• Thank you for having a wide variety of labels to choose from in the options!! I don't see the term aegoromantic very often on things, it feels nice to be known I guess haha

• Thank you for this, i recently started thinking about being in arospec and it was so relieving, all this time i thought something was wrong or maybe i was broken. I'm still trying to learn more about it, and I'm grateful for people willing to teach and help

• didn't realize I hadn't experienced sexual attraction until I finally did and was like "OH, no wonder all my other relationships felt like I was playing pretend"

• I dont often tell people I'm gray aroace. Not because of shame or it not being "as important" (I'm a gay trans dude) but I think because I just feel its a very intimate part of myself, as well as my romanticism and sexuality (in terms of like asexuality) feeling as though it doesn't always need a label. I'm fine just being myself most of the time, a lot of labels can be tricky for myself I think. I'm happy the label exists nonetheless though because Its nice to know I'm not the only one who feels like this.

• I'm queer! But if I'm getting down to the bones of it, I'm pan/ace. Still relearning how to be proud of that, after The Grand Clusterfuck years back.

• even though I would be considered to have an alloromantic orientation, alloace isn't really a term I feel any strong connection or attachment to

• i'd like to add that i do consider myself alloaro and use that label openly but i'd also not consider myself 100% allosexual. i'm questioning my sexuality but even if i do end up feeling more solidly ace-spec i'd still use the alloaro label

• Idk who else does this or if this is interesting enough to write down, but I thought I would! I use Aroace as a label. Other, smaller labels inside that would probably fit me better! Aroace feels too big, like it doesn't *really* define exactly who I am. But at the same time, I prefer using it because more people know what Aroace means (at least compared to myrromantic and myrsexual). I use Aroace so the public can define me. I don't typically use it around my close friends 'cause they already know my idiosyncrasies and where I really am. They already made their own definitions for me, so I don't have to make one for them!

• I'm still figuring myself out, so I leave myself at the blanket terms and hopefully everything'll work out in the end

The rest of the responses are below:

Comments Alerting Me About Typos (that I was then able to resolve)

• There's a typo in your "sexual orientation labels" question, because you have Aroflux listed and not Aceflux, but I didn't want to confuse things so I put Aceflux (which I do use) under Other. I also am polysexual (I flux between polysexual and asexual but I am always aegosexual) but didn't know if I should but it under Other anywhere since it's not an acespec label. I consider my polysexuality tied to me being aego/aceflux though, which is why I mention it here.

• the sexual orientations options are the same of the romantic ones ( for example, there's arovague and arospike in the sexual cathegory)

People Clarifying/Expounding Upon Their Own Identity/Experiences

·  to clarify: i'm unsure whether or not i am demi or aceflux; so i use graysexual since both labels technically fall under that as an umbrella term.

• I’m still a confused gorl and I really only know that I don’t like sex it sexual acts but I do like romantic and sensual acts

• Sex/romance repulsed and I have aesthetic attraction

• I'm also animesexual and fictosexual (and romantic I guess but I don't like using the SAM for myself).

• I have never seen most of these labels, haha, I expect one of them is the one I always forget that's for being aro due to past trauma but people always assume it's romantic/sexual trauma so I don't use it and thus have forgotten it...but that's the essay I'm not usually up for writing: was biromantic but then had several awful life events on top of each other and had a complete breakdown and have been aro since. Unclear if it's permanent but it's been 14 years now. [note: I believe this person is thinking of caedromantic]

• I tend to use the word ace more than asexual because it's shorter, but I don't feel more favorably about one than the other.

• i can't tell the difference between platonic vs romantic attraction, and am unsure if people i have "liked" in the past was romantic, platonic, or a fake stemming from peer pressure.

• Also Gender-Neutral/Agender

• I’m gray-aro but identify more with being biromantic even though I know I’m aro-spec. As for sexual orientation, I’m just completely ace xD

• The fact I'm still trying to figure out my gender makes it harder to pinpoint exactly what my orientations are :( but I usually say I'm queer, and if it's safe: Bi Ace, and if I can get more specific: biromantic grey-asexual

• I also use a platonic label (biplatonic). I use it not in a friendship way, but more like in a QPR way.

• Thank you for doing this! My identity on the aro/ace spectrums has shifted a lot over the years and while I’ve just settled on aroace and queer for the most part, this community is so diverse and under appreciated. People who find joy in/identify with micro-identities are valid and deserve representation!

• I'm still figuring out my romantic orientation but it's looking less allo by the day lmao

• My romantic label is very fluid, but in terms of sexual labels, very sex repulsed Asexual

• Content with just Aspec cause it's difficult to pinpoint anything but cool with both asexual/ace and aromantic/aro

• I think of my romantic orientation as halfway between aromantic and homoromantic

• I'm a polyamorous ace, if there'd be a way to include that sometimes that'd be neat :)

• I am still questioning my identity

• I used to identify as 100% ace but now I have no idea other than that I seem to be pan-ace in some way shape or form so my identity is ???people???

• Sex/romance repulsed and I have aesthetic attraction

• to clarify: i'm unsure whether or not i am demi or aceflux; so i use graysexual since both labels technically fall under that as an umbrella term.

Queer Rights

• Trans rights, baybee 🤠🦂

• I just hope a-spec and aro-spec people will experience less negativity and hate this year <3

• Aspec rights!!

• aspec rights, baby

People Being Nice to Me  (I appreciated this thank you everyone!!)

·  :)

• Have a good day

• Uhhh, cool survey, nice to see a lot of labels.... good job! Nothing I have to add, it was great

• Have fun chief, thank you for your work

• Thank you for creating!

• thanks for the survey! I don't know too many aspec in person so I love participating in things like this about the ace/aro community!

• Thank you for what you’re doing

• just hi :)

• thanks!!

• I really love your blog! Reading your posts always makes me happy :) [note: thank you!]

• Good luck, have a nice day !

• I hope you're having a good day :)

• you're lived and valid af!! have a great day!!!

• Thank you for all your hard work i really appreciate it ☺️

• Drink some water Right Now OP

• Nope, :> hope the best for you.

• Cool survey, 10/10 would survey again.

• 💛

• Have a nice day uwu

• Nope! Have a nice day!

• Thank you for making pride flag edits! They're really nice! [note: thank you!!]

• nope, but this is really cool!!

• ❤️

• Have a good day.

• I think this survey idea is super cool! Definitely a great way to see what sort of aspec people are on tumblr :)

• You are doing the lords work

• Thank you for asking us.

• good luck!

• This is really cute idea :)

• I hope you're having a nice day!

• Good luck in your endevours!

• Thank you for making our community visible!

• Have a good day :3

• Have a good day!!

• Keep doing great stuff!

• Thank you for all the positivity I get from your blog! It's super helpful, keep it up :) [note: thank you!!]

• thanks for doing this. recognition is always nice

• Have fun <3

• Lots of love 💛

• This is a cool project, thanks for doing it and good luck! :)

People Saying They Love Me (and I love you, random a-specs)

·  i love you OP!!!!!

• love you, hope you have a great day

An A-Spec Person Being Rude to Other A-Specs

• If you enjoy sex with your romantic partner then you are not asexual

A Person Who Is Not A-Spec Being Rude To A-Specs

• sweetie im sorry that you're so insecure that you feel like you have to make up new identities to feel better about yourself. if you are a lesbian or bisexual please know that you are welcome in the community, but other than that making thousands of microlabels like this makes a huge joke out of what was once an important and respected group. nobody takes us seriously anymore because of this shit. does labelling your identity like this really help you with anything? demisexual and fraysexual and all this are just fancy words for normal human feelings that everyone has. there is no need to microlabel it.

Other

· [variations of “no” (12)]

• not sure that helps lmao but still hope it does. all the best

• Axolotls (or as I like to call them, asexulotls) are amazing and I love them [Note: the man in question]

• Sorry, I can't remember the names of any blogs that do edits

• Ok random but the colors of the aro/ace flag? The blue and orange one? They’re gorgeous.

• I'm not so sure if I should use the aroace flag, I feel comfortable using both aro and ace flags, but I don't like the colors for the aroace flag :c [note: these are in chronological order, it’s a total coincidence that these comments are together]

• Curious to see where the survey goes

• It would be cool if you could also do some aplatonic-spectrum edits!

• there were fully half of the terms on that list that i had never even seen before. like, everything below litho down to no label was entirely new to me. at some point i will look into those! (but not right now, my brain is full enough at the moment)

• actually had to look up the majority of these orientations. Thank you for the opportunity to learn!

• Gonna reblog and follow and hopefully learn a bit more, about others and myself

Note: The only comment that is not listed in order is the first comment, which I put at the top because I found it the most important. It’s so important that kids and teens have space to explore their identity and learn about themselves. The reason I made this blog in the first place was because I was 19 and working on figuring out my gender and sexuality. Now that I’m a bit older and understand things better, I’m so glad that I’m able to help people in this way. 

I make it a point to be very openly queer in my life and at work because I need LGBTQ+ people, especially youths, to know that we’re here. I’m lucky that I live somewhere that I can be visibly queer and speak about it openly. We are everywhere, and there’s more of us than you think!

Something that I really like about the comments at the top is that they show how diverse we are, and how people use words differently. Some people feel like they’re more aroace than aromantic and asexual separately, and others consider their romantic and sexual orientations to be completely different things.

I definitely relate to the person who identifies are myrromantic and myrsexual with their friends but just says aroace when speaking with people they don’t know as well. I believe a lot of people use different words depending on who they’re speaking with.

[queerplatonicpositivity]

hey, i’m polysexual and polyamorous (but i’m in a longterm monogamous romantic relationship) and i have a few friends who are open to the idea of forming a poly qpr, but they’re all aspec, most of them aroace. And I know you don’t have to be aspec to be part of a qpr, but i’m not sure if it would be weird for me to be a part of it because i’m the only one who isn’t aspec. any advice?

Hi, Anon!  I think it’s so cool that you and your friends are thinking of forming a poly qpr.  Also, yay for a fellow polysexual person!  Most of the time I just say I’m bi (and demisexual, ofc), but polysexual is actually a more specific descriptor.

I’ll do my best to give some helpful advice. =D

It’s already a great sign that you’ve all talked about how you identify (and, I’m assuming, what that means to each of you).  I know I say this a lot, but, as you know from polyamory communities, open communication is going to be super important.  It might be helpful to do some in-depth exploring about how everyone is conceptualizing the group relationship and the individual relationships that comprise it.  Things like time commitment, comfort levels with sharing information with the group that was shared between two people in the group, ideas about what kinds of physical touch people are comfortable with, etc.  I know you said most of them are aroace, but that can still mean people who could want sensual or sexual elements, and it will be important to figure out where everyone is with that (including your longterm monogamous romantic partner).

I know that kind of thing can feel super awkward, but it can also be a lot of fun.  I’ve seen a lot of different “limit list” versions from my days in the BDSM community, and there’s a lot of great ideas about how to sift through what you absolutely aren’t comfortable with, what you might be willing to do, what you’ll do for the sake of other people, and what you’re really interested in/excited to do.  I know I’ve had discussions before with my former qpp about things like playing with each other’s hair, which some people consider sexual/foreplay, and others consider entirely platonic.  The purpose of these discussions wouldn’t be that everyone has to agree on what things mean, but just that people understand where other people are coming from and are ready to respect that.

I’d also say to try to be ready to adapt things.  Maybe you do all the hard work of discussing stuff, and you come to an agreement... but then you put it into practice and it just doesn’t work, so you end up re-visiting the discussion.  I’d frame that not as a failure, but as an opportunity to deepen and grow the qpr.

And then last, it might be helpful to keep in mind that sometimes things just have different meanings in different communities.  In aspec communities, we often have different conceptualizations about relationships, romance, touch, sex, and a good many other things, where we just see it or experience it differently.   I’m not saying this is true for everyone, but it might result in you using the same word (for example, “consent”), and it meaning different things to different people.  So that might be a matter of being open and willing to learn (which it totally reads like you are =D ) about how your friends conceptualize those things.

I hope this helps, and if I didn’t address something or you have follow-up questions, please feel free to come back. =D

[cantskank]

i think i’m having to accept that tma is just not the fan space for me.  i enjoy it now, but the only reason i got into was for the ace rep.  i’m not a fan of horror OR scripted podcasts (like i am neutral to actively dislike them pretty much).  i was not expecting it to be a romance.  not to be the grouchy aro but i thought getting into a horror podcast would be like “safe” for not having romance.  and i really like the pairing actually!  and like literally everyone else i project so heavily onto martin.  my relationship with romance in fiction is usually like- i like the part where they’re falling in love/getting together.  then the actual relationship itself is...like dicey at best for me (in terms of enjoyment).  it depends how it is portrayed really- sometimes i get it, and a lot of times it just seems so unappealing.  and like now is not the best time for either of them so i don’t really...get it.  honestly it just feels like they’re getting on each other’s nerves but are still together?  idk why that aggravates me- i acknowledge this isn’t a rational way to feel about this fictional relationship.

ANYWAYS.  idk i guess i hoped getting into tma that i would really relate to jon’s experience.  but we don’t even get his experience!  we find out secondhand, and it’s not even clear what we find out- so much so that it took someone asking a question and the creator’s response to clear it up.  even then, it was some “HE might not think of it that way but that’s what it is i guess” which is some straight BULLSHIT (pardon the pun).  i just wanna state for the record that that is WEAKSAUCE FUCKING REPRESENTATION.  at least don’t be so much of a coward that we can barely tell you’re trying to out him as ace (without him knowing) and then skirt the issue

and i don’t think he really got how important ace rep is so i maybe can’t fault him for that but...it sucks.  at least like...educate yourself on ways it might be good to portray aces in media.  again, though, my expectations are a me problem.  i just think that like we don’t have enough extant ace rep to like...casually make a character that misses the mark in those ways.  like yeah there’s a vast wealth of ace experiences and there are tons of aces who would probably not be like super ready to accept that they are ace!  like i’m basically not out at ALL irl and so i get it!  but at least like you could maybe not make that one of the few ace characters we have to represent us?  ace rep is not at that point yet!  we need characters that are open and unashamed to be ace.  todd chavez was a really weird character for me to watch!  i was like way thrown off by how comfortable he was with talking about being asexual (even though it did take some time for him to accept it!  which is totally reasonable!).  but i think it was necessary because it weirdly went such a long way to normalizing it for me?  like i’m asexual!  i spent a large formative part of my late teens/early twenties interacting with almost all asexuals on the internet (aven).  if anyone is accustomed to asexuality it should be me, right??  but actually seeing a character be asexual and even discuss it proudly made me realize how much of a shameful secret i thought of my asexuality as.  i’ve definitely framed it as a forbidden or taboo topic and really separated my active, open asexual persona online from my irl persona.  anyway the fact that that one character had such an impact on me just goes to show how much we still need that kind of representation and not some bullshit rep.

okay onto fandom shit:

i just find there’s so much fan content (mostly fic!  because i don’t really engage in any other way and i don’t really have any desire to!  because it’s even worse for this than fic i have a sense!) that doesn’t want to think critically about what an asexual relationship means/looks like.  either they are not ace and have heard “oh okay aces ‘can’ have sex, well jon will just have sex!” or they are ace and idk have internalized that message as well?  either way i fucking hate people who don’t think about how that relationship might diverge from an allo one.  THEY ARE DIFFERENT.  ASEXUALITY IS ITS OWN THING.  IT IS NOT A THING WHERE YOU JUST DO WHAT YOUR PARTNER WANTS.  IT IS NOT A THING WHERE YOU SAY “OKAY SURE” AND NEVER DISCUSS BEYOND THAT OR BOTHER TO SET BOUNDARIES.  IT IS NOT JUST ONE CONVERSATION AND THEN DONE.  like an asexual relationship can be those things but i don’t think that’s an ideal relationship anyways?  (even for allos tbh..)  and idk why you’d want to idealize that in fandom anyways?  like you can make that relationship look like whatever you want!  why would you make it look like that?  (not to generalize or like invalidate anyone’s experience but i....feel like there is some internalized shit there.  especially when these things are presented without question?  like it’s one thing to present things one way and it’s another to do it without questioning.  one of my favorite ace fics (notably, not tma) is all about the ace character exploring his sexuality!  and having sex with his partner!  but it’s presented with such attention to all characters that i have no trouble at all.  having sex as an asexual is not inherently negative, but i cannot deal with media that doesn’t consider and address the implications of having sex as an asexual.

and honestly there’s so much discussion around the Issue (that i don’t even get involved in but it swirls around my peripheries of my fandom experience) that that aspect distresses me a lot!  because the people who disagree with me make me feel like shit.  i’m sure it is really confusing and difficult to be an asexual who is okay with sex, or interested in exploring sex, or whatever people would consider themselves.  it just feels antithetical to the asexual activism of ‘sex can be cool but it’s not necessarily for everyone.’  like, if you’re an ace who has sex or whatever, cool!  and i hope you can find your corner of the ace community that vibes with that.  i cannot, and like.  compulsory sexuality does not need propping up.  if sex is for you, then congrats!  you fit into the norm in that way!  you might not fit into the norm re: sexual attraction and i’m sure that’s not easy to reconcile.  however, i am not personally in a place where i can be the person who supports that uncritically when i’m still working within myself to understand where compulsory sexuality and amatonormativity have worked within me.  because i have been hurt by both of those things, MY primary goal is to work on dismantling those things (at least in myself, ideally in the world around me).  and people who do not have that as a goal and who instead want to mirror allo-ness in writing an ace character just don’t get the same consideration from me, unfortunately.  i guess this has helped me see that i should just fuck that noise.  if you want to make that the big thing you complain about on the internet i won’t stop you.  and...it occurs to me that’s what i’m doing!  so i’m going to refocus and stop just moping about my aro aceness and how i’m being ignored.  i’ve got better things to focus my time on than haters online.  i will not be dragged down to their mopey level!

also i feel weird and way too old for the fandom demographic (even though there are certainly fans waaaay older than me in the fandom!)  i think i’ve outgrown a lot of the fandom mentality.  wait is hockey fandom for old people?  (i’m fully not old but i’m probably old-ish for tumblr/fandom.  certainly old for tma fandom)  it occurs to me it’s sort of a graduation into a societally-acceptable form of fandom and it probably doesn’t appeal as much to younger audiences.  AND things can be as sexy/romantic or platonic as you like.

anyway all this is to say that i thought getting into media with aspec rep would be good for me but i think i must conclude that it has NOT.  it has actually just upset me way more than it has helped me feel good about being ace (which was the whole goal!).  i will be glad when it is over.  AND i’m glad i’ve really just been engaging with rqg fandom.  it is much more fun and a much better story! 

[arrow-guy]

Lizzie is ace? elaborate plssssss I'm dying over here

Hold onto ur butts, bc I’m about the blow your socks off (h o p e f u l l y)

It starts with all the sisters getting all twitterpated over the first ball that happens in the movie. Her sisters are arguing over who will do their hair and all that nonsense. Lizzie doesn’t join in, she’s previously made a face at her mother kissing her father. Lizzie is content to watch from the sidelines, even during the dancing. She likes observing people and jokes about men with her sister. She is the first to giggle when Darcy is stiff and awkward in the dance hall and doesn’t melt the moment she meets a handsome man. She’s just tickled by the fact that Bingly is so taken with her sister. Further than that, she’s able to brush off Darcy’s insults and gives as good as she gets. The smile on her face when she answers Darcy who’s just said, “So what do you recommend to encourage affection?” saying “Dancing, even if one’s partner is barely tolerable.” is life-giving. (Similarly followed by her crack at Darcy for his accomplished women comments.)

SHE IS EVERYONE’S HYPE MAN. She’s constantly telling Jane that she’s worthy of Bingly! And that she’s actually fully out of his league. She wants everyone to be happy and she’s the one to refocus everyone when things get out of hand. She’s able to see relationships from a logical standpoint rather than an emotional one. HOWEVER the second that she shows an emotional response to anyone who isn’t her sister everyone freaks out and assumes that she’s gone crazy. She is uncomfortable with romantic advances from people, (see the incidents with Collins) and outright rejects the first proposal we see to her in the film. (I mean, she rejects the second one too, but that’s from Darcy so there’s some feeling behind it that isn’t there with Collins.) FURTHER THAN THAT, she doesn’t just reject him, she outright says “You could not make me happy, and I am the last woman in the world who could make you happy.” To me, this is openly recognizing that she doesn’t desire the same things from a relationship/marriage that most would see as conventional, which could also be construed as her rejecting the conventional requirements of sex that may come with such a union. Which is absolutely not a stretch, considering the energy and fervor with which she says it in the film.

THE FIRST HINT OF ROMANCE ISN’T EVEN ANY KIND OF ROMANCE. It’s the shitty flirting that could be mistaken for banter between Darcy and Elizabeth and that hand flex from Darcy after he helps her into the carriage which is, in scholarly terms, Good Shit. And you can see Lizzie slowly falling in love with Darcy over the course of the movie because she is recognizing how similar they are! Not how handsome he is, but the devotion he has to his friends and his sister and the way he takes care of others. She falls in love because she learns instead of her desires for another person. It’s not a coincidence that the first time we see the two of them kiss in any fashion is the very end of the film! To commit herself to any person is a huge thing, which is exactly how it may be for someone who’s ace, in any aspect of the ace-spectrum. She explains this exact sentiment to her father after Darcy has asked for her hand in marriage. She knows Darcy on a deeper level and that’s what’s important to her rather than adhering to what’s expected of her, or keeping in line with the expectations of Lady Catherine (who can deepthroat a cactus, if you ask me.)

On top of that, the romance in the movie isn’t really overt in any way (outside of Mr. Nasty and his child bride, ugh, but that’s a different problem, and one that I’m glad was seen as such in the narrative.) Jane and Bingly are so smitten with each other that they can’t stop smiling whenever they’re around one another. Their outlooks on life are very emotional and they react as such and show love as such. Darcy and Elizabeth are completely opposite. They are so much polar opposites that they are the same person. Where Lizzie is the sun, Darcy is the moon and he reflects back the desires that Lizzie seems to project. He learns from his mistakes and works to right the wrongs he set into motion. Likewise, Lizzie sees where she was wrong, is educated, and moves forward having corrected herself. She comes to love Darcy because of this.

OKAY, this is super long and idk if any of that was any kind of coherent, but I DO know that it feels right to me. And that an argument could be made that Darcy is also ace. BUT that’s an argument for another day and an essay that I don’t think I have the energy to write if I’m not either getting paid to do it or getting a grade. REGARDLESS, Pride and Prejudice (2005) is an aspec DREAM and one of my all-time favorite movies.