#I just feel guilty and awkward
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I...i don't know what to do, if mom wanted to hear something, Sorry, i don't know what to say, i don't know what path is wrong or right, I really don't know💧........now we have a depressed mom, she seem so lost....but she hurt us too,.....she needed to know that the way she treated and treat us affect us, poor marina, I hope because of the mini fight with Marina mom doesn't change her mind on finding a therapist just because we were the ones who suggested, sorry mom, even us/me being the wise person, the ones you open up to and seek for answer, for more loving and supporting we are and helps you sometimes, we are.....not the best help, cuz we are your daughters, we have traumas/beefs with you, sometimes what you say(even if it's not what you meant) will offend us, will hurt us, and same vice versa, sometimes we will hurt you, sometimes we will make you feel worse....you broken, but we are also too,.....and you need to understand that, you need to find someone else
#I hate this vibe#I don't want to eat I don't want to shower I don't want to wake up I don't want to do anything#I don't want to live this day#I just want to sleep...forever#If it was me and marina is so easy sometimes we have breakdown fights but we make up so easily i wish all relationships could be like twins#I feeling bad for marina#That will ruin her whole training motivation(which its already lacking cuz of this shitty X suspended situation💧)#I need to study(zero streght to do that💧) cuz I need to do things fast I tired#I like college but god i just can't wait to finish it I tired i tired of being disciplined I tired of doing all of this#reflection#I fear what mom can think or say of us#;ungrateful children; ;that we use her; ;that we are mean;#...It was necessary and idk i don't feel nothing to be real i think i so used to her that I don't get much anxious anymore#And im different now i don't have much afraid anymore#I just feel guilty and awkward
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Please don't hurt yourself
#lobotomy corporation#lobcorp#library of ruina#hod#hod lobcorp#hod lobotomy corporation#hod library of ruina#erm... michelle. hii michelle. going to have to spoiler tag for you though baby#lobotomy corp spoilers#lobcorp spoilers#okay i think thats it#no shading because this made me want to KILL YMSELF#it looks fone w out it anyways. yay. thank you filter after effects for saving my ass this . hurt me so muchh to try to finish#nothing specific that had me make this. at least from lobcorp lor. its more of having more empathy towards my past self or when i was young#than me. right now. it feels as if the past is so devoid of my current self yet i know that its Me. its just so distant. to the point where#at times it feels as if the me of the past is devoid of the current me. im told im very empathetic? hard to tell. that im patient and kind#or more of understanding to everyone but Myself. so when i try to be kind to myself it feels impossible. but im able to do it to my past se#which makes a disconnect. please dont hurt youself. please dont hate youself. you dont need to do that. i know you want to live it hurts#i know. its alright to want to live. you dont need to apologize and feel Guilty. but never towards Myself. to console and wish to soothe bu#not to the current self. to pardon and accept but not to this Me. so i wanted to put it down kinda. felt most similar to hod ish.#its guilt for living. apologizing for existing. wanting to be accepted and pardoned. but also forgiving and accepting the self of before#not so much forgiving. forgive is a weird word. the hurt never leaves. and the guilt is there regardless. but. yknow. accept#sorry some random shit. yappin. who gaf abt that guy. who was that guy. anyways. hod <3 HODD!!!#just like to ramble abt what i think abt when i go to make pieces. since i uhh dont really have anyone to tell who would care. so. awkward.#god thats embarrassing actuallt migjt delete if im not lazy asf later. loser oversharing on the internet AHH 💥💥#uhmm back to the actual piece. the proportions and fhe coloring were having me feel like i was dging trying to get it right. almost#considered just gettinf rid of it and scrapping the whole piece. didnt though. wanted to have it done and finished. hod <3#the feeligns described arent what i would relate w hod? but closest chatacter towards the general thougut. so wanfed to draw her#i wanted to do more w ligjting and such as well. but it never ended up getting in. maybe later
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i ummm... i uhh... uhhh...
#my art#guilty gear#robo ky#venom#yuri#i feel kinda awkward drawing them cuz i don't know a shit bout guilty gear i just find them silly and funny#and uhh.... robo ky.... i like robots (a normal amount)
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man. I really do like drawing my guys blushing n suggestively steamy expressions ect ect but I wish I could show like, 3 people, giggle about it, and then call it a day sometimes. However, I know I need to get over those feelings. it's a ME problem
#feelings half rooted in just starting to draw like this and its a little awkward but I want to share with the enjoyers#and the other half feeling guilty for subjecting people to it with no warning#I will probably delete later. I'm just writhing in my weird feelings this morning
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Man, I still remember participating in one of the many jjba zines that I took part in and how my piece was placed as the first page (for the second time) and how one of my mutuals/artists that I’ve always admired, hit me with the “oh… you’re on the front page again… 😅…” like man, that kind of killed me lmfao. I never got over it like man, what was that about.
#it’s not like i put the books together myself or anything all my ass did was submit my work#like this was from a really popular and well known artist as well like#their art has always been so gorgeous to me too I was like ‘I’m literally a nobody is this person really being shady or…’#rambling#I guess it’s nice being in a zine with ppl I don’t know or care to get to know at least now 😭… just submitting my art and running#referring to the jjk zine 😭 I need t start working on it uhh#zines make me feel so anxious man#it really did make me feel bad and almost guilty? I was like this is kind of awkward…#another zine I was in which was run by a mutual… well… I never even got my zine in the mail#and I even sent them $20 for some merch that they were making since I wanted to support and never got that either…#they deleted their blog but I see that they remade and draw a lot of DM and have a lot of popular posts here so it’s kind of awkward seeing#their art shared on the dash sometimes skeks#we’re still mutuals on Twitter but I don’t rly want to ask about my zine again or the $20 bucks#it’s okay like I owe other ppl stuff too I’m a late bird man but still loskekk#they were the mod for the zine too#I might hit them up again I guess I still love their art and they were always fun to talk to#there was another zine that I participated in where we had to purchase our own copy bro#i remember being so annoyed by that but went ahead and bought it anyway#I was invited to this zine so it made me even more annoyed#I#Guess it didn’t make its money back#or something like that but I remember being broke at the time and was pissed that I had to pay for my own book#I didn’t buy any of the merch because why when it was supposed to be free#if you’re participating in a zine the book and merch should be free
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ever get the feeling some people are just...tolerating you?
#like#they don't really wanna talk to you#but they feel bad if they don't. like they're ignoring you or something.#so they do it out of...some kind of pity#or obligation#or so they don't feel guilty#like pls. if that's you know that i dnw you being my friend out of pity.#and i mean that#if you don't really like me or are meh about me#that's okay#ik i can be a hard pill to swallow sometimes#stubborn af#talking to me is sometimes like pulling teeth#low self esteem and trust issues#lol#i have a lot of issues and i get that people don't always wanna deal with my shit when they have their own#maybe i just need to accept that there's no one who really wants to put in the work it's gonna take to 'crack' me#bc i'm sure it takes hella patience and perseverance#and like for what lol. what am i even offering?#my insecurities? my awkwardness? my trauma?#don't get me wrong ik i have good qualities but#those are the things you'll have to deal with if you want to be close to me#i will make you jump thru hoops. i do not trust easily.#it takes a lot to get me to open up and ik some people will not see me as worth the effort#and that's okay#i wish it was easier for me to open up to people but...it isn't *long sigh*#sorry lol i'm on my period and rly in my head today apparently#ignore me
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Kusakabe, dear, you're too beautiful to be saying that kind of stuff
#jjk spoilers#All the prettiest characters were brought back from apparent death#Nobara was okay and it's true that when I read the lawyer's and Kusakabe's fights against Sukuna I thought it was being kept vague#but to pull a Nobara with all of them... idk#No one stays dead here except for the people who actually care for the kids and by that I mean 'including Yuuji'#kinda lowkey bitter about it#Don't get me wrong I like the characters and also they're super pretty but idk It makes death feel cheap? And the high stakes kinda fake?#Choso Gojo and Nanami actual only characters who died apparently#Well. Poor Itadori#And Kusukabe goes and runs his mouth that way in front of the kid. He is not entirely wrong but also he very much is#And yes he also says 'don't worry it's not for you to feel guilty over anything you're just kids' but also he did very much say that thing#about it all being Gojo's fault for not killing Itadori. In front of Itadori who feels guilty for that precisely#and in front of Megumi who asked Gojo to spare him and also went through the experience of Sukuna using his body as well#So Kusukabe's reassurance about them just being kids and not to feel guilty falls a bit empty#It does feel in character but man it truly makes one appreciate the way Gojo and Nanami dealt with the kids a lot more haha#Ui Ui seems like a dear#Anyway... this chapter felt a bit lame for the most part for me? I like the idea of the characters discussing the could have/would have#and feeling guilt and helplessness over their choices but the way it was done felt a bit lame and without any real emotional punch#It felt more like an explanation to the reader in an awkward way. And there's a lot of empty chat about guilt and grief#without any of the characters really giving off a grieving air about everything and everyone they've lost#And this is precisely what I felt was going to happen with this manga's writing haha#I truly don't understand this kind of writing choices. Contrary to some other shonen writers this author did seem to have the potential#to write this kind of thing well besides the worldbuilding and powers and fight stuff. It's truly a pity. It so breaks my heart#And still this is considered one of the good shonens. Well. WELL haha#I do think shonen can be good! I just think it falls almost always even when there's potential into bery shallow writing#I don't know. Maybe I should read that one Alchemist manga#I've been repeatedly told that one's good and it does seem like it doesn't do... this. But I find the art style so not to my linking#I wish I had never gotten into JJK for real for real. I absolutely adore it. I always end up frustrated. It could be so good. Genuinely good#And yet it's just okay in a sort of forgettable way. What a pity#Everything good ever is present but it never dares do anything to fully explore what it sets. It just does the typical shonen stuff
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to be so honest im starting to think i really need to see a professional for my social anxiety
#.mei’s chatter ˚༘⋆ ๋࣭ ࣪ ˖#it is so bad in ways i can’t even articulate but today i felt sick over having to send one text message and procrastinated the entire day#i’ve gotten so bad recently#and that’s not even a fraction of the texts i need to reply to.. i feel like im crumbling under the weight of how awkward i am#and i hate it because im sure everyone thinks i’m rude and i know it comes off as so weird when i reply to a text fucking SIX WEEKS late#but i genuinely feel so awful and guilty over it i just cannot make myself do it. i’m so scared ill say the wrong thing or fuck up#or i just forget because i have memory issues but it’s awful all the same and i feel so terrible#and i assume everyone hates me until i see them again because i never texted back and it makes me feel like an awful person#but i have good intentions and i really just want to give everyone the kindness they deserve but i get so scared to talk to ppl it’s crazy#it’s so awful. i really need it fixed it feels like it’s rotting my soul and ruining my relationships#people will be so nice to me and then i just don’t get back to them… it’s horribly horribly rude and i know it i just get terrified#or i forget most the time i really do just forget but it feels bad all the same#i think it stems from like.. i don’t want to say the wrong thing so i need to think hard about what to say but then i forget or get so ->#caught up in trying to say the perfect thing that i get overwhelmed and procrastinate then forget entirely#i’m an awful person i truly cannot stand myself#i guess the only way forward is to just be better in the future but fuck i feel so guilty
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#NOT TO BE NSFT ON MAIN#But I'm going through it... and by it I mean well... the horn knee#but like. lots of Thoughs about- HFH how Valentin is probably the first trans guy for Mitch#not that its rare by 2077 but because I HC him as demisexual#his first time was late-ish compared to his friends - he didnt had a lot of lovers - then there was Scorpion#who was more of a brother than a boyfriend but I DO HC THAT THEY ROLLED IN THE HAY Alright#But back to the thingy-- He's probably not experienced when it comes to Well Tdicks right#Mitch start to develop feelings for Val too the whole vets group start to notice it hardcore#cause these two gonkasses arent exactly subtle - they're just blind#and so one night while the vets are chillin drinkin the usual#subject comes up like eyy hows it going with V you gonna rizz him up or what#Mitch going PFFF idk what yall talkin about but he's red and suddenly don't know what to do with his hands#conversation goes and he's all like awkward cause Well Duh#Boys take showers together so everyone knows Val isnt Cis- there's others trans folks in the camp too its nothing unusual just an info#and get this... what if. its Butch Grease Queen Carol who gives him tips on how to get his boy all rilled up#while drunk ofc - Mitch wishin he could disapear from the discussion cause it's just too much but lowkey taking notes HKGJDKZKG#while some other vet goes on about how good it feels in there tm and all-- YNOW WARM N WET AND ALL#Mitch just nervously laugh and thanks them for the advices tm even if nothing will ever happen and just change the subject#he def jerk off in his tent tho cause he can't keep the vision out mH. hhhHHFHHF 👁👁#and he'd be like damn here I go doin it over a friend again and feels guilty next time he sees Val#(val def does it too in his northern appartment#idk where im going with this don't mind me JHGJ#sex is such an insignificant part of their love - its present and they explore all type of stuff together#but its not something that would ever be source of problem or doubts if that makes any sense#while simultaneously being important - cause Mitch was Val first time - and in a way Val was Mitchs first too#and his boy sure does feel nice /)UwU(\ weeeee#tbd
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me and the generic extra strong Tylenol and the pure rage in my system
#Every once in a while I think. It’s not too bad home. I’m over dramatic. It’s not bad and it won’t be bad when I go home and never been bad#Then actually think and remember#I shouldn’t have been hit as a small child. I thank god that my parents stopped that with me.#But also. I should have been taken seriously when I went To them with concerns and shouldn’t have been brushed off.#But also to be a 14 something year old and to realize your parents aren’t in love is a crushing feeling#Since that must have been when. 13-14. Appa passed. Pandemic times. I’m sure my father. Since this would have been the last time I saw Appa#We went down to visit. Dad didn’t go he had work. He sent us off. I remember sitting in the passenger seat by mom in driver#Dad praying for our safe travel and for him going in for a kiss and the moment of hesitation and unwant from my mother#And the awkward silence and the way everything seemed to just shift to the side#That was summer of 2019. My first time realizing my parents weren’t both in love happened when I was 13-14.#I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.#And going to college has me feeling so guilty. Like I fucking ditched my siblings? The kids I raised as a child myself?#(I had to go. I don’t know if my scholarship would have held I don’t know if my financial aid would have held. I couldn’t have waited. )#(I would have likely done something bad to myself. Genuinely. If I weren’t able to be here. If I had to stay. I wouldn’t survive that.)#my siblings are fine. They have no responsibilities. My sister is manipulative. They will manage. They want me to get the education I need#They aren’t going to have to use their own college money to pay to be able to eat because the parents won’t feed them for the summer#I went into college with at least a couple hundred less than I should have. Because I had to parent. I had to feed my siblings.#And I had to pay to fill the gas tank on my father’s gas eater truck. We couldn’t be home because of the selling home situation.#I had to do something to get us out and to feed us but I didn’t get paid back for anywhere near all of it#I don’t regret it. But a kid shouldn’t have to pay for them and their siblings to live.#But then I remember the dread I have for returning ‘home’ for the breaks. I don’t know what I’m going to do.#If I can’t work all of the breaks then I either won’t be able to pay next semester#Or I’ll have almost no money in savings. Like nothing to my name. Can’t buy gas. Can’t do anything. Can’t buy food.#Unless the next scholarship stuff I’m doing pulls through. But I’m willing to work the whole break just to get away from either house.#I want to violently shake my parents and get them to comprehend#Father you have dropped 260$ into my bank account in the last two weeks. Why could this not be earlier in the semester.#Why couldn’t that be in the time and fashion you FUCKING PROMISED for helping me pay my schooling?#You have money to spare. Stupid. Why couldn’t you help like you promised.#Mom you fucker. I get that you are kinda with a new man now. But you’re leading yourself into a relationship with a man you said yourself#You don’t want to date because he wants to move away with his sister and because he hates it here
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Also, a story about tonight:
-I brought an anime bag for like 4€
-I was crossing the street towards the pizza restaurant when the waitress of a different restaurant told me she really liked said bag. I thanked her, and later on informed her during another trip that it was in a shop really close to there and it was for p cheap (she saw me when i was crossing the street again and asked if she could photograph the bag). She said she would probably buy it.
- I decided that i would surprise her by buying another bag for her
-The store was closed. Cue a short depression arc as i walk back to the pizza restaurant, heartbroken
-I was conflicted on what to do for a few minutes but in the end i decided to give her my bag and just get my own another time. I'm glad i did that bc I would have just regretted it forever if i passed on that.
#i was scared she would feel awkward abt keeping it at work#but all the other workers seemed really happy for her#she was really touched and almost cried and i am just really really happy i decided to do that today!!#i dont even feel guilty bc the money for the bag are from my birthday money so its not something i bothered my family with#my family was proud of me for doing that and theyre really supportive but i still would have felt bad if it was THEIR money i was spending#on other people yk
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do u think either charles or erik had trouble coming to terms with their love for one another?? like religious guilt, internalized homophobia, etc.
Many such cases really … not hard to imagine them dealin with that …
#snap chats#erik might depend tho. depends on when he realizes hes in love with charles#before going Full Magneto i can imagine SOME internalized guilt but post prob not#under the whole ‘why be ashamed of what i am in ANY regard’ and all that#charles def probably has a worse time dealing with feelings of guilt#tho thats just charles in general being in love with someone i fear fjOWDJAKS#i cant imagine gender has anything to do with it tho. just charles Being Charles#hang on im sitting here thinking about it now#i think charles and erik wouldnt DOUBT the love they have for each other just- again depending on what era of erik this is- may be hesitant#magneto erik reads more as Bitterly in love with charles do you know what i mean#like ‘i love you and its painful i love you because of how incompatible we are now’ type shit#charles got that tired divorced-but-still-in-love dad energy about him towards magneto#fuck i was supposed to talk about their First Feelings Of Love im so off topic djOAZJSJ#my brain refuses to think of them younger than their thirties im so sorry let me try again#yeah no i could see them both accept the fact they have feelinfs about each other but for one reason or another not act on it#esp if they were with gab at the time. Oops. its kinda awkward now#in THAT RESPECT THEN i can see charles feeling conflicted and a little guilty#ditto on eriks part if he acknowledges charles’ feelings for gab#but without gab in the picture? i could see charles making a move and not being so ashamed of himself#maybe. after some time together i do see charles making the first move#would erik reciprocate and admit his feelings in that moment ? maybe not. give him like. a day or two tho diOEDJSJ#i typed all that bullshit for nothing sorry i put the answer at rhe very bottom we know how i am at this point#see now i just imagine charles talking to erik about accepting his queerness and erik getting snooty#like No Erik Im Not Saying This So You’ll Date Me I’m Saying This So You Love Yourself or something to that tune#and charles is truthful in that hes all about helping others accept themselves. and thats exactly why erik falls harder in love with him 😔#and then they make out sloppy style the end
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I mean, while I’ve got you here- (P1 | P2 | P3) (Patreon)
#Doodles#Law Abiding Citizen#LAC#Doug Peterson#LAC Russ#Roug#If you're not otherwise busy I mean I guess we could-#Lol#Looking like all that kiss-doodling practice has finally started to show results >:3c Quite pleased!#Looks like his gamble paid off! It'd take some doing but Doug could absolutely acquisition some overtime of the seduction variety lol#His -lust is usually more of the wander- variety but who is he to turn down a bit more time with his favourite human? :3#For the first encounter it'd probably have to be limited to their usual amount of time so what like two minutes lol but it's enough to kiss!#Or it could be longer if you'd prefer to imagine that lol it's not like I can stop you ♪#What a bureaucratic nightmare it'd be to either change or add being in a relationship with a client lol HR will hear about this Doug!#He's used to it he's been skirting that edge for way too long already this will just make it recognized pfft#Immediately bringing feelings into it! Aren't you a demon! Well that's why he changes his tune so quickly as well#For the record Russ did mean but he's feeling pretty guilty for that and having an ulterior motive and having human needs and all that lol#He does actually need contact to stay sane (enough) but asking for things is hard! Especially if they're to do with his crush!#All sorts of awkward uncomfortable feelings :) This is not how he envisioned his confession playing out!#I haven't drawn Doug with fully dark eyes in a while ah <3 It was fun :D Him hiding his eyes but literally hehe#Yet more of me ignoring the timeline lol - call him your Everything right now do it make him feel loved I dare you#A little possessive ♪ It's allowed he's being backed up by being the only person with access to him! This all works out!#I really am rather pleased with the last smooches :D Shapes! And Russ holding his horns while Doug initiates hehe ♪#I dunno how clear it is but Doug also has his tail wrapped around Russ' arm to pull him in ♥#Sometimes being obvious about it pays off
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How do you react when i have gotten into a college but your friend hasn't??
#i honestly feel soo guilty#i think they deserve it much more than i do#things are getting awkward#just right before this we were joking and deciding what would they do when we get into the college
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if i call in sick to work i shld tell them im having symptoms of emotional turmoil, physical agony n excessive bleedinfg so im gonna stay home bye
#dont have to give details i just think itd be a funny way to describe this monthly torment#also i rly am lucky i work at ass oclock in the morning cuz none of the managers are there yet#n us 5am ppl are the earliest to show up in my department so i just talk to whoever has the guy in charge phone#n its no one who will care so thats p nice#i do get anxious anyway but im just insane#also i always feel all guilty n embarrassed bleh#unless ofc i rly am mega sick#n ill have to let my mom know sometime if i do cuz she drops me off before she goes to her job#i always feel awkward n bad having to tell her im stayin home#overthinking forever yay#gotta figure this out#i just know if im at work tomorrow even if everything isnt fucked or awful like it can be there#n i feel how ive felt sometimes today like physically#dont wanna be thereeeee n im already gonna be in pain from working n now extra emotional. dies#according to my phone call history i called in like Exactly 2 months ago#which is more than the 3 months they want in between call ins but i dont think anyone else cares abt that#like coworkers of mine i mean#hmmmmmmm#p
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I'm gonna need so much time to get back to some sort of socializing mood after whatever my brain went through the past month and I really wanna apologize to all my friends in advance. cuz I will be so much more awkward than usual:')
#i like. had a breakdown to my irls. via dms#not good. i feel so guilty rn#and these days i just wanna hide and never go out again. not see so many people at the same time#ooof it's gonna take some time for me to go back to being. somewhat better in socializing#i can feel the awkwardness already
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