#I just feel annoyed that all of my artist friends struggle with trying to find a recognisable art style that feels their own

[thegutterbunny]

Leftism Tires Me.

I'm just gonna put this here because nobody's gonna see it anyways. I'm just trying to organize my messy ass thoughts. Lately, I've been feeling really disillusioned with leftism, but I don't have the proper words for why. Every time I try to google "leftists are annoying" or something all I get is right wing shit. A lot of this is based on experiences I've both IRL and Online. A lot of this is me struggling to put feelings to words. I feel like my personality just doesn't JIVE right with leftists. I'm pretty materialistic, I love stuff. Mostly books, games, kink gear, and clothes. I drool at other people's wardrobes and goth decorated bedrooms. I don't really care which online stores are the "bad ones". I DO want them demonias. They look cool. I like fan servicey/sexy character designs. They're hot. I want more hot characters that aesthetically appeal to me that I can gawk at. I hate when twitter users and talking heads pretend like they are above such "base tastes". I think people are too uptight about having a squeaky clean record of consuming media. Steering away from problematic artists and art into an ever-shrinking circle of "safe" art and artists. It should depend on what you're personally comfortable with, I think. I've dropped artists that I think are reprehensible. Not ever out of some sense of morality and duty, but because they gross me out and I can't look at them the same. Other artists do or have done terrible things, but that adds to the flavor somehow. Makes them more interesting and worth diving into. Sometimes it even humanizes them. Sometimes the art is SO GOOD I just don't give a shit. The constant emphasis on the collective over the individual is off putting to me. I think rules based on morality always end up having to be made arbitrarily because when building a moral system you ALWAYS run into contradictions and inconsistencies. This is because morality is this thing we made up. We don't find morals in nature. They weren't "discovered". Morality isn't divine. Morality is a TOOL. Which is why this idea that being a small part of something "larger than myself" freaks me the fuck out. Sacrificing pieces of myself... Be it my time, my identity, my aspirations, and my body to a machine called "revolution" is off-putting in an existential way. "Your feelings matter until they don't" is that unspoken leftist creed. Philosophers and philosophy enthusiasts are the most annoying irritating motherfuckers to be around. OH HOW I HATE THEM. NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER VENT OR SPILL YOUR GUTS TO A PHILOSOPHY NERD. NEVER MAKING THAT MISTAKE AGAIN.

Sometimes I feel like leftists are more concerned with defending leftism itself than actual people and their feelings. They sanctify the lens they view the world through other then the people they view through that lens. They can be just as biased, stubborn, and incurious as everyone else. Look, not everyone has the time or energy to look through constant studies or be scholars, I get it, but summa y'all just unthinkingly latch onto narratives and refuse to unclutch only because everyone else around you has latched onto the narrative too. The amount of times I've seen someone latch onto a narrative without even thinking about it... Just based on vibes... FUCK. This last one... Speaking as an autistic person... Is rough. Leftist spaces are SUPER cliquey and ran by the same Social Capital rules as anywhere else. There are the same invisible lines to tread here as anywhere else that torture me as someone who's blind to where they lay. Break and self censure yourself to fit in. Nobody's in disagreement. It's just you, and if you disagree we'll all quietly and silently move away from you without a word like everyone else. It depends on the exact space you're in. Whatever friend group or discord server, the feel can "change". People with the most charisma are rewarded with attention, admiration, and a feeling of belonging. Being awkward, shy, quiet, or having the neurodivergent "stench" makes to ostracized. Just. Like. Everywhere. Else. FUCK. YOU.

OK that's enough schizo posting. There's even more I could touch on, but I'm tired and I wanna play Silent Hill 2. If anyone who's read this has the time, what's the diagnosis? What should I do with myself? Am I beyond saving or whatever? I don't even want to "leave leftism" or whatever the fuck, but there's so much... Pressure... here. So much judgement. I want something better for myself but I look everywhere and I can't find it.

[qwertycake]

more qpr fluffy squishy platonic writing prompts! wahoo!! part two!!! :)

Same disclaimer applies as my first post - these are aro- and ace-spec centric, may only work for shortform fiction, and feel free to tweak them to be less specific/more specific to specific characters.

Specific is a weird word lol

Anyways…

“We both get caught out in the rain and wait out the weather under the same shelter, and either we’re meeting for the first time or we have a nice excuse to hang out together” AU

“You annotate a book for me and I annotate it right back for you, and we keep passing the book back and forth until its a mess of affectionate scribbles that we keep on the coffee table” AU

"It's hot outside and you love the heat but I hate it and you're being stupidly nice and sweet to me while I'm a grouchy mess" AU

"I can teach you how to play this instrument if you stop DISTRACTING ME by looking so ENDEARING AND INFATUATED" AU

"Keep Talking And Nobody Explodes" AU

"We're both too tired to take care of ourselves because of sickness/work/school/whatever but we immediately find the energy to take care of one another via making tea and grabbing blankets" AU

"We trade clothes for Halloween and do terrible impersonations of one another" AU

"We have a bunch of unfinished craft projects between the two of us and decide to just... finish them all in one day... 24 itty-bitty hours... oh boy..." AU

"We recreate a terrible low-budget movie together" AU

"On Valentine's Day, we decide to make a bunch of garlic bread and cake, and buy each other flowers in the colours of our respective aro-/ace-spec flags... and then the day after, we buy all the chocolate that's finally gone on sale" AU

“I teach you how to do make-up because for one reason or another you’re unfamiliar with it” AU

“Fake dating and having dramatic break ups over silly things in public for shits and giggles” AU

“So, the world might have just ended… so guess who has two thumbs and a bunker that desperately could use a roommate?” AU

“We’re made to play seven minutes in heaven at a party and after a few awkward minutes of silence we both decide to just order a pizza or something while we wait out the seven minutes” AU

“Hey, you can dance, and I can’t, teach me— no, I don’t care that I’ve got two left feet, teach me!” AU

“We’re both artists, maybe of different skill levels, and we decide to draw/paint/make art of each other” AU

“I’m a night owl and you’re more of a day person, so whenever we stop texting because you have to go to bed, I’m stuck laying awake thinking about you Please Enjoy Waking Up To A Bunch Of Messages” AU

“I’m a day person and you’re more of a night owl but I struggle to fall asleep because I’m stuck thinking about how lucky I am to be your friend Hey I Think I Could Stay Up For An Extra Ten Minutes” AU

“We’re both nervous about going to the gym alone so we try going together… but neither of us have the guts to get out of the car so we just go for a walk or something instead” AU

“You’re super into sports and exercise and I’m just getting into it but you hype me up so I’m less nervous about getting started” AU

“I bake a whole bunch, you cook big meals… at the same time of day - our kitchen is chaos” AU

“It’s New Year’s Eve and we’re hanging out at a party and everyone’s speculating that we’re gonna have our New Year’s Kiss together but the New Year comes and we just do a weird handshake” AU

“Non-Fatal Hanahaki Disease AU where we’re some of the few people who don’t experience it because we’re content with whatever non-romantic thing we have together… but we both have hay fever and are very annoyed by the constant barrage of flower petals around us and have to tell our friends to Please Stop Crushing On The Random Barista At Starbucks It’s The Third Time This Week You Are KILLING US” AU

“We’re both alien test subjects who’ve never met before and have to try and plan our escape - bonus points if the aliens are specifically testing for something like amatonormative like All Humans Fall In Love and we’re the black swans of the research since they apparently abducted Only Romantic Allosexuals Aside From Us Somehow” AU

“It’s midnight and you show up on my doorstep unannounced after a long while of us drifting apart, what on earth happened?” AU

“We’re both capable of granting wishes - you’re the monkey’s paw and I’m the guy who’s stuck remedying all the messed up things you have happen to people What Is Wrong With You” AU

And finally…

“I’m laying on the couch at a party drunk/high/exhausted/whatever and you’re looking after me, having only met me that night - I proceed to ramble about how embarrassed I’ll be when I’m older and think back to how I made a fool of myself in front of someone I wanted to be friends with really badly… but luckily for me, you’re flattered that I think you’re super cool” AU

[poopwons]

Thinking about Artist!Jean being just the SWEETEST boyfriend when his girl isn’t feeling herself. 😭😭

Modern Au, Fluff, fem reader, No use of y/n, this is purely self indulgent, and my first ever fic I’m actually posting, sorry if it’s bad writing 💀

TW: anxious thoughts, insecurities, reader doesn’t feel good enough, I think that’s all??

————————————————————————

You come into the apartment in a huff, putting your things down and going to the fridge to get some water.

“Hey,” Jean starts, as he walks into the kitchen from his studio down the hall, before he stops and takes in your expression. “What’s wrong?”

“Just had a bad day,” you say, not really wanting to go into all of it, all your insecurities and the anxiety you’ve dealt with throughout today.

None of your clothes fit the way you wanted them to, making you feel like nothing you put on looked even remotely good. You were sporting an acne break out from stress? Hormones? Who fucking knows, but it’s annoying. The fact that in every window you walked by today, you saw your reflection and just felt…not pretty enough. And you do all of the things your therapist recommends when you’re feeling low like this, you’ve been working out, eating right, trying to drink more water. Not to mention the affirmations you had scribbled on your mirror in the bathroom. But some days, the irrational side of your brain wins out. Today you could not see past any of the things you don’t like about yourself. You weren’t able to view the whole picture and instead focused on the small flaws. Even going to lunch with your friends was discouraging, watching them all sport smiles and feel confident in themselves. It seemed effortless for them. And nothing ever felt effortless for you. You felt like you had to work so hard to even feel some semblance of the confidence your friends exude daily.

“What happened?” Jean asks, coming around the counter, wrapping his big arms around you pressing a kiss to the top of your head before moving down to your lips. “Do I need to beat somebody up?”

“Not unless you wanna beat up your own girlfriend.”

“Mm. That kind of bad day, huh?” He says softly, tilting your head to look at him before he kisses you again.

Jean knows about your struggles, you’ve been together for a while now, so it would have been impossible for him not to notice. He tries to do the most for you when it gets like this. He knows you can’t help it, that it tends to come in waves. You’ve been stressed at work lately and that usually bleeds into your anxiety.

“Come here, Pretty.” He says, pulling you by your hand to lead you to the couch, sitting you down and getting the blanket off the back to wrap it around you. “Stay here, I’ll be right back.” He turns to go back to his studio, but not before turning on your usual comfort show for you.

He comes back into the living room and sits down with you, sketchbook and pencil in hand.

“You don’t have to work out here.. I know you have a deadline.” You say softly from your spot on the couch, not wanting to distract him from his work just because you had a bad day.

“I got that piece done already, this is something different. It’s not work, so I’m gonna sit with you. Besides, I haven’t seen you all day.” He says leaning over to press another quick kiss to your lips, before leaning with his back on the arm of the couch, knees up with his sketch book pressed to them.

It’s pretty normal for Jean to draw in his free time when he’s not working on commissions for clients. It’s his chance to work on stuff he actually likes and lets him get more creative without the constraints of a clients wishes. You turn your attention back to the show, finding comfort in this cute little routine you two have. The warmth of his body next to yours while he scribbles on his page, the faint sound of the pencil scratching the paper, when the two of you get time like this everything else in the world kind of drowns out.

While half your brain is still going on and on about the ways you’re not good enough and ways you could improve, you try to focus on the show, trying to ignore all those other thoughts. You laugh at a part you’ve seen probably a hundred times, but you still find it just as funny as the first time. You glance over at Jean who’s smiling down at his paper, his eyes flitting between the tv and the paper. He doesn’t normally show you his free time stuff until it’s finished, so you don’t bother asking him what he’s working on, knowing that you’ll find out eventually.

The two of you sit like that for a couple hours, just enjoying being in each others company, chatting idly about the show and some stuff the two of you have going on over the weekend. After a few more moments, Jean shifts again, sitting closer to you, his sketch book splayed open to the page he was working on as he puts his arm around you. When you finally glance down at it, a look of surprise spreads across your face.

“Is that..me?” You ask softly, taking the book in your hands to examine the drawing further.

Jean simply nods, offering you a small mumble of affirmation with a little grin on his lips. As you look over the paper you see how he’s drawn you, plush lips turned up into a wide grin, you’re laughing. Your eyes are bright and you look..happy, your hair is in beautiful waves, no frizz in sight. There’s another small drawing in the corner of the page, it looks like he’s just drawn your eyes alone, shining and bright. It hits you then that when he lifted his head up from the page earlier, he hadn’t been watching the tv, he’d been looking at you.

Taking the book you look at the front cover and realize that this isn’t his usual sketch book. You flip to the front of the book and go through the pages, as you flip through it you have to fight back the tears that well in your eyes. Every page, is filled with you, sketches, drawings, some with color some without. Some pages are just studies of your features where he was trying to get your smile right, or your eyes. Some of them are full body drawings, and you recognize your own clothes, days when you’d send him selfies of your outfits with a big happy smile.

You look over at him with a soft smile, “what is this?”

He leans over and presses a kiss to your temple. “It’s you, baby. Whenever I’m having an art block or can’t think of what I want to draw, I just..draw you.”

“You drew me so pretty..”

“You are pretty. More than pretty.” He says, leaning into you to press another kiss to your temple, resting his head against yours. “Most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. I thought about it when you came home and said you felt bad, that I wished you could see yourself the way I do. I thought, maybe I should just show you.”

You continue flipping through the pages, they aren’t all happy drawings. Some of them are clearly from some times when you weren’t feeling your best, but even in the ones where you have a sad expression, or tears in your eyes, he still drew you beautifully. Even when you felt your worst he still thought you were beautiful.

“Thank you…for this.” You say softly, turning towards him to softly kiss his lips, setting the sketchbook down on the table and pulling yourself into his lap to wrap your arms around him.

“Just drawing what I see, nothing else.” He murmurs as he buries his face into your neck, pressing a kiss there before holding you tightly.

————————————————————————

✨I want this man so bad, that is all.✨

Thanks for reading!! 🥰🥰🥰🥰

[hirukochan]

Hi I'm wondering how to improve my writing

Hi there!

Oof, idk if I'm the right person to ask there. Writing has always come natural to me. I started creating my own stories when I was a child. Storytelling just has always been a part of my life, but I will try!

Practice.

Writing is a skill. It may come easier to some people just like art, dance, crafts - any creative activity really - but it is still a skill and a skill can only be improved by doing it over and over and over.

Don’t be afraid to try.

I’ve seen countless posts of people being stuck on their worldbuilding for years without ever writing a single word. World building is great, collecting resources to improve your writing is all good and well but they will be of no help to you if you don’t ever actually start to write.

Don’t be scared to suck.

I’ve written plenty of stuff that’s bad. I’ve deleted entire chapters and started over because it was just not working. It can be frustrating and it’s fine to take a step back for a moment and come back with fresh ideas. Not everything you write has to be shared with the public. Scribble down brainfarts on a napkin you never look at again. Fill notebooks with story shreds you’ll never expand on. Just write. Get comfortable with writing. Try out new things even if those aren’t what you want to write. Every creative writing class will tell you to not write fiction and while I disagree with the notion that fiction is somehow less, it is not bad advice to step out of your comfort zone and challenge your skills. I wrote a few short stories that were set in the ‘real’ world and while it was hard, I think it really helped me improve.

It’s worth experimenting with different mediums as well. Some people prefer to write on the computer, some do their best work on paper. I like to switch between the two when I notice myself getting stuck. I have one story I write almost exclusively on paper. It’s annoying to type it all into my computer after but it’s worth the extra effort.

Read a lot. Artists look at other artists’ work and study every detail of their work. Every author has a different style. By reading other peoples’ works in different genres you broaden your own horizon.

For years I got stuck on all these rules some people have made up for writing and while some of them are sound advice, most published authors break those rules too. Unless you want to get traditionally published, writing is a hobby and hobbies are supposed to be fun. Don’t get hung up on trying to be perfect. Just write. You can come back later and edit or don’t. I don’t. I do some haphazard spell checking and that is it. I don’t enjoy editing. I don’t like rereading my chapter over and over to try and get it perfect. Perfection is a myth anyway. Some people will not like what you write and that is fine. Your audience is out there, even if it might take a moment to find it.

It’s easy to get discouraged when you don’t get the response to your work you crave. No amount of telling yourself you write for yourself will change that. In the end, we know our stories. We don’t need to write them down to know them, nor publish them on the internet. We do that because we want to share our little world with other people and in a time were kudos and comments are at an all time low it is easy to feel like you are shouting into a forest and your words get lost between the branches.

I’ve let myself get discouraged by this too. It’s the reason A Servant of Death hasn’t been updated in forever. I recently published two oneshots I’m pretty proud of but because they are both rare pairs, I got barely any responses.

I can’t tell you how to deal with disappointment. It’s something I struggle with. I just have to believe that my stories reach people. That someone is glad they were written even if they are too shy or busy to tell me.

Find fandom friends. I find it is much easier to deal with my disappointment when a story doesn’t do as well as I think it might deserve (and I’ve been spoilt rotten with the responses to ‘Your tears are of no relevance to me’, going back to my rare pairs and less popular ships after that was and is a hard transition). Join a discord, be active on tumblr, find your people that share the same brain rot as you. I’ve made so many great friends over at the Snarriet Discord, it’s a wonderful community - you just need to find it.

Now I know that even if no one else will read it, @snapesmorningcoffee and @loneamaryllis are always among the first to read my sick and twisted stories. I can’t tell you how much of a difference that makes!

So…yeah. My biggest advice is to just write. Forget all else. Set a timer for five minutes and write as much as you possibly can in that time even if you just end up writing ‘idk what to write’ over and over. You’ll automatically get better at it the more you do it, the longer you do it.

[6mayhem]

top ten men??

okay.....this is a long personal post BE PREPARED!!! to find me cringe after this

in no particular order and most are also gonna be fictional LOLOLOLOLOL starting with the real people tho

gerard way...what can i say..... just 10/10 who I'm trying to be. All my problems would be solved if I could 100% embody him body mind and soul circa mid 2000s because spiritually that's who i was born to be. also the music is good very good. does he even count as a man anymore everyone's a transgender nowadays. anyway i don't actually know anything abt him apart from the stage persona and that's the way I'm trying to keep it bc everything i learn about celebrities I learn against my will

manuel germanletsplay. god i was so obsessed with him as a teenager. for the americans: he was of the biggest german gaming/minecraft youtubers and national heartthrob among teen girls. everyone shipped him with his friends including me THE FANFICSSSS..... he inspired a lot of transgenderism in me due to his twinky nature and his piano talent and long hair and the fact he never (to this day) showed his face. his persona was like a real life creepypasta character when it comes to sex appeal

isak valtersen skam..... skam is like my longest running hyperfixations i first watched it circa 2017 and have been rewatching at LEAST twice a year since then. idc that it's a teen show.......... he contributed greatly to my transgenderism. I love manipulative teen guys who are just the absolute fucking worst when you look at it objectively. he was such a male manipulator the whole s1 arc rlly made him out to be such a mastermind supervillain it was so silly. and then he got rlly pathetic in s3 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ anyway awesome outfits also..And anger issues

mickey milkovich shameless.... don't feel like I need to explain. WHAT AN ARC !!! he's a terrible person but like somehow the most sympathetic character in the entire show. everything past s7 was such flanderization it made me mad as hell but before that waowwaow.....he deserved better. my meowmeow. would move mountains and literally kill people for the most average annoying guy ever (real mickey fans hate ian) (jk hes fine minus the last 2 seasons)

syd march antiviral. what a fucking freak. he's got everything. blood kink. appearance of a sickly victorian child. horrible daddy issues. bisexuality. a thinly veiled transgender subplot. he's just so slimy and greasy and you just wanna punch him the entire movie I love it. big fan. also a male manipulator..U never know how much of his weakness is real and how much is faked to gain people's trust. he's just like me when it comes to obsessing over random beautiful women!!

sven kretschmer from ich hasse liebeslieder. no one knows this book because it was posted in like 2015 on a german fanfiction website but it permanently changed my brain chemistry. wow. i love him so much. he's everything to me. eyeliner wearing bisexual emo with greasy black hair who canonically looks like gerard way and struggles with every mental issue under the sun. erectile dysfunction subplot. has an abusive father. my favorite band is only kj because that's HIS favorite band. you could trace back 90% of who I am as a person to sven. HE BECAME A TATTOO ARTIST ALSO THAT'S SO COOL!!! and he's the most loyal bastard ever just a kicked puppy kinda guy i love men who are really clingy in relationships. but at the same time he also has insane anger issues which I ALSO love in a man GRIN 😁 😁 😁 😁 😁 ^^^^ see above faves this is a whole archetype of guy for me

jack as you are.... See profile pic!! you already knowwwww!!!!! he's just like me fr. sheltered/seen as weak and sensitive and longing to be rebellious and do things to impress other men (in a homosexual way). maybe transgender? maybe killed his best friend/brother/lover!! again...greasy long hair YAYYY!!! the whole movie could be a forcemasc fantasy

mirco from this sorta obscure book called landeplatz der engel....his mother rejected him. the woman who took him in is a prostitute.... he says ableist slurs but is the least ableist person in the whole book...he wears a ring with a jewel in the shape of a boar head how cool is that?? and he stole a car. and does illegal car races. and ditched his girlfriend for his new male best friend. and he's secretly really traumatized but never wants to be a victim and gets mad when you imply his past affected him 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫 idk I just love how he never pretends to be a better person than he is, but the opposite of it. He never gives himself credit for how kind he is

will graham... What a fucking freak(2). proves that your life isn't over at 30 you can still find the love of your life and do really weird shit because you decided that the only thing you care about is what a freaky european cannibal thinks of you.

adam saw....what can i say. he's awesome. he's transgender. he's funny. he's tragic. he's in love with a man twice his age while his brain can't decide if it should see him as a father figure or romantic interest. relatable to me personally

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

my oc neph bell because he's awesome and basically me

steve harrington and eddie munson from stranger things bc i still ship it (there's zero canon moments but idgaf about canon its stupid anyway) bc 1. Tragic blond failson with daddy issues and 2. eddie gave me aesthetic aspirations fuel for like a full year before i figured out who i wanna be. so yeah. I'm only a little bit ashamed of this

tyler durden fight club because yeah. and by extension the narrator bc the moments where he acted like a proper weird fucker were so funny and also meeeeeeee x3

nezumi no.6 you edgy fucker

mo folchart inkheart bc i always wanted him to be my father

kurt cobain

my other oc cesar liehmann bc he embodies everything i like re: blond men with anger issues who have to compensate for their average height by acting more confident than they are

free space for whoever i might be forgetting rn. I always have a LOT of thoughts about fictional men....

SHIN TSUKIMI FROM YTTD LOL I REMEMBER BEING CRAZY ABT HIM

max zerophilia... just completely embraces his sexuality and status as a Z. shamelessly in love with both luke and luca. HOT!!!! kind of bad at flirting but it works for him. AND HE'S ALSO HOT AS MICHELLE AND I'M BISEXUAL SO THAT'S THAT

[theoldlesbianwithcats]

I'm a gold star lesbian. I have always been extremely skeptical of the narratives women give of being with men as supposed lesbians. But the more time I spend around other gold stars (online) the less I find the arguments compelling. A lesbian couldn't self-harm by having sex with a man because it goes against her base instincts? Does cutting one's skin not go against one's base instincts? Does suicide not? I feel like I'm missing a link here that makes this argument make sense. I'm absolutely looooooathe to give a speck of credibility to clearly bisexual women who spend lives sleeping with men and then try to worm their way into lesbian 'identity', but I'm struggling to grasp the logic that a lesbian could not possibly sleep with a man if she were, say, not in her right mind or if she were sufficiently pressured or, yes, coerced. On the other hand, I just do not believe 99% of the stories I've heard purely incidentally. Is there any room for nuance here? I think it's also troubling me that the majority of outspoken gold star lesbians on here are rather unintelligent and reactionary and I find it difficult to align myself with women like that. It's humiliating to say that I'm a gold star lesbian and to be immediately associated with women like that. I saw a woman say recently that being interested in lesbian history is a red flag for being a 'fauxbian'. I've seen other gold star lesbians say that real lesbians do not have close male friends or support male artists. At this point we've lost our minds entirely. It's a horseshoe turn into our own brand of political lesbianism. I really appreciate the posts you've made about the topic as you're very reasonable and you clearly give a lot of thought to what you say. I wish I could say the same for others.

Hi anon,

Not gonna lie, this message exhausts me because it contains two things that I don't like getting in my inbox:

Debating in which circumstances a lesbian could have sex with a man (which is just a negative version of "can lesbians have male exceptions")

Complaining about gold stars you disagree with on anon with no hint of you doing anything for gold stars off anon

For the first part, I don't see why a lesbian would have sex with a man as self-harm when there are so many other ways to harm yourself (including having violent/unhealthy relationships with women). Also many of the women I've seen claiming to be lesbians who self-harmed with men came out as bi later. It's easy to tell those women are bi because they relate to bi and het women who had bad experiences with men, but are weirdly lesbophobic, guilt-trippy and lacking in empathy with gold stars who self-harmed.

For the second part, I wish the gold star community on here was more mature and focused on creating positive spaces and content too. I don't like reading insults online because it mentally exhausts me, even if it comes from people who are on my side.

The reason why this part of your message still annoys me is that I've been telling lesbians on here for eight years now that you need to kick your own asses and put yourselves out there, express yourself (not in my inbox! on your own page!) and create what you want to see. But from what I've seen, while queer/trans/polilez have been creating more and more fanzines, novels, webcomics, podcasts, videos, indie games, etc., actual lesbians are just complaining that no one is doing anything. You are all staring and telling each other "Will someone do something? Not me, but anyone else?"... Then you wonder why we're all lonely and have no representation, even in amateur spaces? Really?

There's no such thing as a lesbian prophet who will tirelessly provide all lesbians with everything we need, we're a tiny minority so we all need to take part and get our hands dirty, there's no other choice. And I'm going to say it... A lot of lesbians are super ungrateful to the lesbians who actually try to make things : when I made a lesbian website years ago, not even my lesbian friends shared the articles on social media and I only got three external contributions, so I abandoned it ; I created a local group chat and organized meetups until I got a job that made it impossible, the other members not only did not have their own meetups like I encouraged them to do but just let the group chat die entirely ; I created a discord server for gold stars who want to make creative projects together, I'm the only one who posted anything on it. At this point, the only lesbians who are allowed to complain about lesbian community/representation in my inbox are the ones who are trying to do something about it 🤷‍♀️

[onboardsorasora]

Updated Dewis Fic Rec List

Here is my current incomplete Dewis faves list. Still wild to me that Dewis is a rare pair and I am doing my part to try and change that 🫡

In the interim, here are the Dewis fics I regularly go back to lol. They are in no particular order. I just went with the easiest way to put this together.

I will add on as I read more fic :)) also, I'll always shamelessly recommend my own Dewis fics lmao

Mainly doing this for myself so I can like put it in my pinned so I can reference later.

Valentine by dr3writings Words:828 “Are you asking me to be your Valentine?”

Aloha - The Art of Saying Hello and Goodbye by WaitingtoBloom Words: 16,210 Daniel travels to Hawaii in an attempt to shut out the world and find his bearings after a tumultuous start to the season, but Formula 1 ends up finding him anyway in the form of one Sir Lewis Hamilton.

Active Love by f1errari Words: 1,638 Daniel grins, one eye closes, he forgot how sharp the sun is at home but he looks at Lewis anyways who smiles softly and tips Daniel’s cap down just a little, Daniel scrunches his nose up in response but opens his eyes ‘well, let’s hope it goes better then last time huh’ (aka Daniel thinks about Lewis a lot and how good they are together before the 2022 Australian gp)

Lewis x Daniel Extended universe by Bones_2_be Words: 18,533 Works: 3 It starts with Lewis and Daniel seeing each other at Coachella

A Kiss for Good Luck by dr3writings Words:1,222 Daniel takes a deep breath and looks at his own reflection in the mirror, the number three glaring at him from the edge of the red bull cap for just a moment before he forces himself to take it off. Not yet.

Don’t need nothing by the_orange_one

Words:9,493 Lewis Hamilton is a seven-time Grammy winner. He’s a fashion icon, a hugely successful R&B artist, adored all around the world. The pandemic brings his 2020 world tour screeching to a halt, leaving him stranded in Brisbane.

Enter struggling ex-band member, newly-solo, Daniel Ricciardo. He’s taking a creative break (read: having breakdowns about his stalling career), living on his farm in Western Australia, and he’s exactly the type of friend to invite someone to live with him during a global shutdown. Especially if it’s Lewis.

or, Lewis and Daniel write a song together, take care of one another, and reconnect while riding out the global shutdown on Daniel’s farm in Perth. Not necessarily in that order.

wrapped in gold by Anonymous Words: 1,162 Daniel had gotten the address from the photographer he’d messaged on Instagram. She’d said it’s beautiful and Lewis trusts her judgment, he’s not all that familiar with the area in the summer anyway.

Love not given lightly by Anonymous Words:2,937 Lewis is all soft, soft skin on luxury Italian leather, limbs ringed in ink and sturdy cuffs. It almost feels criminal to handle him roughly. But Lewis had asked him specifically, and well, they were always accusing Daniel of being too nice for his own good.

Love, In All the Hard Places to Reach by IICarpeDiemII Words: 15,270 Daniel’s been living on his own for almost a decade. He’s forgotten how it is to live with other people. He’s forgotten how hard it is to hide things from someone you’re sharing the same bed with.

Walk ahead and don't wait for me, I'll follow your footsteps anyway .by soulhead

Words:3,033 He can't allow this annoying, emotional and demanding part of him to distract him as it seeks a kind of companionship his racing lifestyle cannot provide. This force of his own that moves for and against his own wellness at time, that bites and scratches when he swallow yet another suppressant : it needs to be muzzled and he's never second-guessed his decision on the topic until very recently.

Or, Daniel is an Alpha on suppressants, but Lewis just wishes he would be himself for once.

Golden days by its_a_yoke Words:2,257 Lewis is happy to have Daniel on the podium with him again and they have a nostalgic one night stand just like in the old days.

it's not a crime to steal from a thief by Anonymous Words: 1,228 Max is still celebrating when Lewis posts the photo with the caption: You win some, you lose some. Today, I won.

one bright moment by pronoe for Gertika Words: 1,345 Daniel wins the race, Lewis wins the championship, they kiss in parc fermé.

loved you for years by Anonymous Words: 1,665 “Now that you’re back at Red Bull, will we see a mating announcement between you and Max? You two have always been so close.”

And in that moment Daniel knows, his mate at home isn't going to be thrilled with that question.

I've had the time of my life (and I owe it all to you) by Danubius Words: 2,147 Daniel realized he shared his bathroom's wall with his negihbor after a long shift at work, when he heard the singing from the other side, and singing back seemed like a good idea.

He didn't think things would escalade so quickly from there.

let's just dance by dr3writings Words: 1,374 “You done with your work?” he mumbles, leaning further into the solid body behind himself and feels a light exhale on his neck that makes him shiver pleasantly.

“Yep, just in time too I saw,” Daniel whispers, the song still playing on repeat in the background and his fingers have started tapping out the beat lightly against Lewis’ stomach without a conscious thought.

can't stand the heat by @toastandvegemite Words: 2,839  Lewis is most irresistible Alpha on the grid. Daniel is the most untameable Omega.

It should be a match made in heaven, but for some reason Lewis is determined to resist Daniel’s charms.

rocking, raftered by leafmeal0ne Words:33,428 Daniel knew it would be generous to call himself an up-and-comer in the music industry. Probably a little generous to call himself anything other than a farm hand.

It seemed that Lewis Hamilton, actual country music legend, disagreed.

the MET by dr3writings Words:969 Daniel feels his phone vibrate in his pocket and hurries to make an excuse to the people he’s in direct vicinity of as he walks down a slightly hidden hallway to answer, no one really pays any attention too caught up in each other so he sneaks off pretty easily. He feels Blake’s eyes on him but just gives him a thumbs up and shows the phone display quickly where it’s still ringing earning a fond eye roll as the other goes back to talking to some of the other guests.

tbc...

[poupeesdecirque]

Travel Blog - Dokomi 2024 - Friday

or: Tim is the Star of the day.

Welcome to another series of Travel Blogs, this is part 1 (of 3 I hope to write down the other two the coming days) and for my Journey to Düsseldorf, the first day of the Con and the aftermath of the first day. As always this is just what I expierenced and just my thoughts on how everything went for me.

I was quite excited for the Dokomi as I never was there and the last time I was in Düsseldorf was in 2006 but by train, I never went there by car, I never saw the area the Con is in and I never went to a convention this huge without my friends.

I decided to just enjoy myself and if I felt it's enough I would give myself the option to leave earlier than planned.

But enough of explanations, up to the first day!

For my drive to the hotel there wasn't many exciting things happening aside the fact I had to somehow get around some traffic and ended up in an area in which I didn't have any internet and had to somehow figure out how to progress further as the old navigation system didn't worked and I wasn't sure if it was about to send me in circles again... good thing I learned how to read maps.

After 5 hours (of estimated 3,5 ..) I arrived at the hotel, but was not able to fully check in aka my room wasn't ready to be used, there was two rooms but next to the entrance ... they told me they rarely give them to guests as it will get pretty loud there (spoiler: they gave me the room next to that which left me quite pissed as it was in front of the parking lot and everyone could peek into the windows if the curtains were open.... and that was what I had waited for all day... sigh)

Anyways I was there and got told I was to get the keys later so I headed to the con. Which was mainly me on the road again and then ... waiting.

... it was enough time to partially change into cosplay already. heh.

After I finally aquired a parking lot I fully changed into Cosplay but it was super hot I decided to not wear the coat but I took mini Tim with me in hope people would recognize at least Tim.

My first impression was "Oh okay that's why they have so many halls :'D" ... it was indeed a bit underwhelming looking when you first got in but that was about to change.

This area was pretty cute to come into, like a train station, then you were able to get outside to the other halls. I have to say I didn't visit all of them as there truly was a lot to see. The first day I briefly got into the commercial seller hall and then ...

the artist alley.

I was told it was big and it truly was, but also quite ... unorganized somehow. The letters over the rows didn't line up with the rows and I usually am good at finding and memorizing places but I messed up every time and had to triple check the rows again that was quite annoying (there was 1 I wanted to find as a friend was there). Also the rows were set up in a way that confused me... I have to mention I am easier confused without my glasses as my vision is slightly curved then. Some artist had bigger spaces and some had super tiny spaces I still wonder how they were able to move even.

I decided to start in the back and work forward, just trying to see if I find something interesting as I got some tasks from my friends and one was to buy something at the artist alley (to explain that: I struggle with low self confidence and low self esteem, feel lost in bigger masses of people and really had a hard time in the past. I have asked them to give me tasks as I perform way better when I have "to do" something, it was a challenge as a majority of artists also weren't speaking german and while I don't have an issue in typing in english I rarely speak it). And I was recognized super fast, which took me by surprise, it mainly was because of Tim (tiny and bag Tim), I even was pointed to an Allen keychain and was told there is another booth with D.Gray-man stuff, to find that was my mission of the day. I also was asked to return the next day to show my Allen Cosplay which made me really happy.

After makign some more people happy with my Tims we took a little snack break. And then headed out to explore the alley more.

I came across this super cool Kaneki (_mr_201_ on IG) and found the other booth with DGM Merch. I even took photos of some more to find them the next day (spoiler: i didn't find that booth again OTL) to give myself a little mission again. But I was not able to finish the whole hall that day, I felt how my brain wasn't able to progress any of the prints, everything started to look the same.

So Tim & I decided to get more food. I went for falafel with bulgur, salad and hummus as main. Then bubble tea (with tapioka as i totally fell in love with tapioka last year q.q) and chocolate dipped soft serve ice cream (that's a childhood thing for me, I always got it when I traveled with my parents).

So I went back to the hotel, after finally getting the keys I did a small shopping trip to a local grocery store to finally buy the one type of chocolate I was searching for for AGES.

As mentioned in before I got the room next to the two loudest ones... but I was so beat I had no energy to complain. Especially because there was a full bus of football players arriving (the national team of Belgium if I got that right).

I was really proud of my little haul from the artist alley but also a bit sad I didn't find my cosplay group of Allen and Tyki T_T that I was recognized by a few people made it better though =)

[cryptidsurveys]

Friday, August 16th, 2024.

Have you had more hot or cold drinks today? I've had something like 20% hot and 80% cold.

What's a name you like that's similar to yours? I don't have any special fondness for names similar to mine.

Where did you get the last plate/bowl you ate with from? It's a giant red mug decorated with gingerbread houses. I bought it at Walmart last year during the holiday season.

How's your mental health today? It's decent. I'm a lot better at bouncing back from stress/overwhelm than I once was. Things that used to crush me are now basically resolved within 24 hrs.

What bands and artists did you listen to when you were a teenager? I listened to a lot of alternative rock/metal on the radio; I don't think I could list out all of the bands I liked because it was more like a song here, a song there, etc. But some regulars (meaning I had their CDs or made mixtapes of their music) were Evanescence, Three Days Grace, Green Day, My Chemical Romance, Creed, Sarah McLachlan, Linkin Park, and J-rock artists/bands like Malice Mizer, Gackt, Gazette, etc.

Do your feelings get hurt easily? They can. I still struggle with my sense of self-worth and the belief that maybe I deserve to be treated badly, like it's my karma or something, but I'm actually starting to get annoyed when people are needlessly rude to me. I know - pick your battles - but maybe I'll finally start sticking up for myself instead of constantly taking it...?

What sort of restaurant did you last eat at? I went to lunch with my parents at Black Eyed Pea a little over a week ago.

Do you have a friend who's always sending you TikTok videos? Do you actually watch them? Oliver often sends me funny little videos, and yes, I do actually watch (and appreciate) them. We have a very similar sense of humor.

Have you ever seen a cougar in the wild? I haven't.

Will you attend a wedding in the next 3 months? No.

Are you good at following instructions? Yeah, for the most part, unless they're ridiculously complicated or dealing with something I know very little about (like car mechanics, for instance).

What's your backyard or outdoor area like? The backyard is fairly large and rather overgrown.

Do you like your boss? Or your last boss if you don't currently have one? Even though I'm just a volunteer, I consider Leslie and Iris my "bosses." I do like them.

When was the last time you took a selfie? Wednesday. It was of me with the new kitten.

What did you have for breakfast yesterday? Oatmeal.

What do you do to entertain yourself on a long flight or journey? I haven't been on a long flight or road trip in years, but I would probably entertain myself with audiobooks, podcasts, music, daydreaming, random snapshots of the scenery, chats with my dad (if he happened to be along with me)…

Where are you right now? I'm at home, in my bedroom.

Have you ever done a hearing test? Yeah.

Do you hate small talk? It can feel a bit awkward. I try my best, but I just don't know what to say.

What's the hottest temperature your current town/city has ever had? 109*F.

What programs/applications do you currently have open on the device you're using right now? Microsoft Edge and Krita (art program).

How many steps per day do you do, generally? I'm not sure. If I'm at the animal shelter, then probably a whole bunch because I'm almost always on my feet. However, when I wore a step counter back when I worked at the pet shop, the total was often underwhelming. Not nearly as much as I would have guessed - again, especially considering I was moving around all day long.

Have you had any snacks today? Yeah. I typically have 3 meals and at least 2 snacks, plus random bits of whatever.

What's the next thing you'll tick off your to-do list? Probably pick out my clothes for tomorrow. I hate rummaging around trying to find things in the morning.

Have you ever had a chia pet? No.

What's your favourite sandwich filling? Lol, probably cheese. I eat primarily cheese-based sandwiches these days.

Do you have any nieces or nephews? I don't.

What was the last reason you saw a doctor? For a check-up.

Do you use light mode or dark mode on your phone? I guess light mode…?

[positivelybeastly]

🖤 - tell everyone how awful tess is

attractiveness:

repulsive / hideous / ugly / not attractive / unappealing / not unattractive / meh / no preference / ok / mildly attractive / nice looking / cute / adorable / attractive / pleasant on the eyes / good looking / hot / sexy / beautiful / gorgeous / hot damn / would tap that / perfect / godlike / holy fuck there are no words.

Tess McKay is a beautiful woman that Hank McCoy has absolutely no romantic interest in (barring the one to three times they kissed way back when, shhh, we don't talk about that), so he appreciates her beauty much in the same way that he appreciates the Portrait of Madame X by John Singer Sargent. Objectively gorgeous.

personality:

grating / irritating / frustrating / boring / confusing at best / awkward / unreasonable / psychotic / disturbing / interesting / engaging / affectionate / aggressive / ambitious / anxious / artistic / bad tempered / bossy / charismatic / appealing / unappealing / creative / courageous / dependable / unreliable / unpredictable / predictable / devious / dim / extroverted / introverted / egotistical / gregarious / fabulous / impulsive / intelligent / sympathetic / talkative / up beat / peaceful / calming / badass / flexible.

You may have noticed that I have marked both predictable and unpredictable. No, I will not elaborate. The rest of these all sort of slide along a spectrum depending on which verse these two are currently inhabiting and how well they're both doing in their respective spheres, but it's rare that Hank will find her anything to be anything less than his best friend.

how likely they would have sex with them:

not if they were the last person on earth and the world was ending / fuck no! / never / no way / not likely / not sure / indifferent / I’m asexual / maybe / probably / it depends / fairly likely / likely / yeah sure / yes / would tap that / hell yes / fuck yes! / wishing that could happen right now / as many times as possible / we are already having sex.

The capacity exists, but the will does not. I really struggle to think of a scenario in which it would make proper sense - maybe if it was a literal fuck or die situation, which, contrived, but, sure, I guess they'd do it then? I honestly think they've just completely sidestepped the need for that level of physical intimacy, and instead gone on to a degree of emotional understanding that would render actual sex just a weird experience.

level of friendship:

never in a million years / worst of enemies / enemies / rivals / indifferent / neutral / acquaintance / friendly toward each other / casual friends / friends / good friends / best friends / fuck buddies / bosom buddies / practically the same person / would die for them / true friends / my only friend.

The only thing stopping Tess from being Hank's only friend is that Simon is canonically his 'dearest friend,' and I think Tess herself would view it as an indecency to try and lay claim to that role, considering she's Hank's not-beard and all.

first impression of them:

i hate them so much / i don’t like them / i don’t trust them / they annoy me / they’re weird / I’m indifferent / meh / they seem alright / they’re growing on me / truce / I think I like them / I like them / I’m not sure if I trust them / I trust them / they’re cool / they’re genuine / I think we’re going to get along / I really like them / I think I’m in love / oh fuck they’re hot / I love them.

Teenage Tess deeply confused teenage Hank, and I feel like the feeling was relatively mutual. This confusion accounts for the kissing. That being said, I think Hank would always have seen Tess as being fundamentally cool and interesting, even if they were both in very weird emotional places back then. What teen isn't, right?

current impression of them:

i hate them so much / i don’t like them / i don’t trust them / they annoy me / they’re weird / I’m indifferent / meh / they seem alright / they’re growing on me / truce / I think I like them / I like them / I’m not sure if I trust them / I trust them / they’re cool / they’re genuine / I think we’re going to get along / I really like them / I think I’m in love / oh fuck they’re hot / I love them.

She's his best friend. This is true in most universes. The end.

[zeldaelmo]

20 Questions For Fic Writers

Tagged by my wonderful friend @bahbahhh.

__

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

77

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

484,215

My goal for 2023 was to hit the 500,000 and I'm positive I'll reach it.

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Legend of Zelda, all games apart from Zelda I, II, and Minish Cap (because I haven't played them so far)

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

How to name a royal child

Stolen Kisses

Strangers in the Night

It's in his Kiss

Flour, water, salt, yeast, love

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Uh... in theory, I do. I love getting comments but I often feel stupid saying ten times 'thank you' in a row, so I end up answering mostly when I have something to say.

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

That would be Lonely at the Top. I don't really write angsty endings, but this one is hurt/no comfort as it tackles Link visiting the Light Dragon who doesn't even react to him.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Hm...I'm not too fond of the fanfic version of the perfect happy ending, namely, proposal, sappy wedding, and omg, twins!, mainly because I love the nuance life teaches us. What a happy ending for a fic and a character is, is so often much more different than the fairy tale version.

That being said, I'd still go with Strangers in the Night, just because the two worked so damn hard for their happy ending.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Hate is a big word, but I get negative comments and sometimes they are even personal, yes. Most people are lacking reading competence and/or don't understand how stories work. I mostly ignore those. Sometimes I complain on discord if it's very annoying. If someone insults me, I block.

I don't think that has to do so much with me, though. I have 1,346 comment threads on my stories. Of course, there are some idiots among them, that's life.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Yes, occasionally. I think ten of 77 fics are explicit. Look, the thing is, I'm a story teller. So if the smut doesn't add to the story, I don't tell it. Rule of thumb is, that I keep it to a T-rating if possible to make the story accessible to most people. I only go for explicit stuff if I want to deliver some part of the character development/plot with the intimacy (or the lack of lol) that the smut offers.

Does that get me the most Kudos? No. But I'm not here for that or I wouldn't bother writing for 30 years old games. I'm here to tell a good story and have fun. :)

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

No. If you've read so far, I can tell you a secret as a reward: I find crossovers pointless. Ooops.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I am aware of!

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Not that I am aware of! But I'd love to! Big fan of accessibility!

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No. I've seen a few writing collabs end in fandom drama or otherwise go awry, so I decided that I only collab with artists. I might try with something short one day, but nothing novel-length.

14. What's your all-time favorite ship?

Take a guess.

15. What's a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

Ah, so I have a half-written novel in my drafts. A story about writer!Zelda and fanartist!Link who are also princess and beloathed bodyguard. I'm very determined to go back to that one after I finished The Promise, but I'm a little scared. The story is complicated and my thoughts are chaotic. I already asked @mistresslrigtar to help me work it out next year, so I hope we'll manage.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Dialogue and showing what's going on in the character's head who's not the POV character.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

I struggle with simplicity sometimes, mainly because of the language barrier. I write something that's horribly complicated and I just know there must be a better way to put it, but I can't figure it out. Grammar is hard, lads.

I also have a weird relationship with descriptions. I love having characters interact with their environment but I loath big chunks of description. I plan to work on this during my traditional holiday self-study break.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

This is a weirdly specific question, but ok.

If you don't happen to write a book that's supposed to teach beginners the other language, then don't. You might end up othering the person who's speaking and that's something you don't want to dabble with lightly.

I already talked about accessibility: You will exclude people from your writing and you don't want that just to sound cool. If you must for plot reasons, make otherwise sure everyone is on board. Slightly different case if you actively hide something from your readers (and other characters), but that's probably not the most common case.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

LoZ

20. Favorite fic you've ever written?

I refuse to answer this. 77 fics are too much to choose from. I love most of them.

_

tagging: @mistresslrigtar, @airplanned, @jenseits-der-sterne, @silentprincess17, @deiliamedlini, @skyyknights

[shipsgaysfordays]

hi!!!! I need to know more about "A Blender Filled with Galaxies, Time, and Gay Time Travel Angst—OH SHIT I FORGOT THE LID BEFORE I HIT BLEND" and also "A Tree In the Shadows" sounds very pretty <3<3

hello, thank you so much for asking<3

tbh your ask is really making me think i should try and get back to these fics again

A Blender Filled with Galaxies, Time, and Gay Time Travel Angst--OH SHIT I FORGOT THE LID BEFORE I HIT BLEND

so this is my wolfstar doctor who au, basically just a combination of 2 of my favorite ships at the moment and just a story i'm very excited for but it confuses me to no end. time travel and timelines and stuff is all just very difficult, i need to get back to this story, tbh i took a break from it a bit ago.

the basic plot is that Remus is sort of a stand in for The Doctor, though he's called The Professor because i thought that was a fun little idea. so he goes around time and space, finding companions along the way and teaching them about things. HOWEVER, he's still a werewolf, because i love moony. Remus thinks he is the very last of the time lords after the time war (because this is a doctor who au and of course I'm gonna ground it in a bit more of that plot). angsty stuff with Remus thinking he's lost his closest friend and the person he loves most. but then it turns out that Sirius is alive. and Sirius is partially going to be based on the characterization of The Master, however i'm adding a lot of my own ideas. Sirius isn't simply evil or insane, they've seen so much of time and space that they've grown somewhat apathetic to the struggles faced by those who are suffering, instead they see beauty in this pain. they're an artist. and then like more angsty shit happens too and i'm still trying to work out the plot.

A Tree In the Shadows

so, this fic idea was one of my first attempts at trying to focus more on the female marauders. i haven't gone back to this fic in a while though tbh, so i feel bad about it. the basic idea is "As the boys are working on the marauders map and becoming animagi, the girls have their own coming of age stories." so basically both groups are too focused on their own shit to notice any of the stuff going on around them, because i honestly can't believe that the girls would be that oblivious if they didn't have their own shit going on. my idea was the girls are working through their relationships of course, but the main plot kind of starts around Dorcas having this spot that she goes to when she wants to be alone. this tree in the shadows, a spot where she can think and have peace and quiet. Mary, however, had been following Dorcas because she wanted to get intel on Marlene's crush. and so Mary finds the spot and hangs around. Dorcas is kinda annoyed about the whole situation but eventually she accepts it and eventually even becomes a bit friendly with Mary. over time more of their friends hang out at the tree. one of them even brings up the idea of making a tree house here, having their own little spot. (the boys never find the tree house so it's never on the map, the girls have their own space, and it's just really cute).

[ronin-deactivated19851026]

i feel like my brainworms are legit nerfing me

oversharing ahead but i honestly don't care nor see this as a big deal. what's the point of living if i can't talk about my life

i'm not sure what to do about it... one thing they don't warn about when it comes to recovery, you kind of go "backwards" in your timeline, unfolding deeper and deeper traumas. this leads to addressing needs that for most healthy individuals have been satisfied during appropriate stages of development. and it's kind of hard to navigate through, and the deeper into childhood, the harder. and the dumber some issues are.

like...

i identified one of major sources of my art block through noticing the same pattern while learning japanese. i have an exam next month, and i'm sitting here just clowning around, avoiding touching my workbooks. i don't have any struggles learning it. in fact, i'm catching things quickly and if i practiced, i would have been better. but i just can't make myself study, and the block is so strong, it's paralyzing me the same way my art does.

why learn or do anything, if 1. there are people who are better at it, from those who studied better to native speakers, or in case with art, are more creative and have been going to art school since they fell out of the womb 2. i get nothing from it, no praise, no attention, nothing. no change in attitude towards me (this phrasing suits better, considering what i'm about to say next)

and one can think of bajillion things to debunk these points. like, who the fuck cares, do what you like, engage in things that make you happy, also learning skills or expressing oneself through art doesn't render "nothing" as a result, like, it's obvious how both can be monetized, if we're going for "practical" needs, and how many other opportunities await me that can broaden horizons and enrich my existence.

but... but.

the entity we're trying to tell these things isn't the current, conscious mind of 30 year old me.

it's an ostracized, bullied, weird tween that seems to be doing good at school, where the kid finds escapism from issues at home. the kid is called a goddamn little genius at first, but eventually it all becomes boring or doesn't go in line with school program, it's annoying, the kid is fucking annoying too, can't come up with anything useful or worthy everyone's time. so the kid scribbles random shit to escape or vent about both school and home life. or just embraces art. and hey, looks like these skills are cool and complex enough to catch everyone's attention once again and be the cool artist daughter/cousin/friend/whatever i was called to have, i'm considered talented and useful again. for a while. didn't last long because it's all still essentially useless. aaaaaaaaaaaaaa help

(ok random cringy note but i have been thinking recently how fandom often draws spamton the way i used to dress in my mid teens; the time when every bit of hope or resemblance of peace in my life crashed beyond retrieve. he's my spirit animal now)

like. words and lack of full background (which i won't go into in public obviously sjxjskxsxj) can't really explain why something that doesn't sound like a big deal as i type it left such a huge impact on me. my life at home was like a pure nightmare at some point, and came with serious baggage i still yet to unpack. my life at school sucked a lot, except for two years where i switched schools and it brought some relief, albeit temporarily. there were days where i would spend a whole night up, being on full alert for any random reason, including physically fighting or eavesdropping every noise i can hear behind my door, hoping i won't get stabbed or raped in my sleep. that's why i have issues sleeping these days and wake up from every tiny fucking noise. and after that, i would go to school and say i literally couldn't do my homework and none of these fuckheads cared, they called me useless, lazy, and threatened with consequences. yeah, "being useful" became tied close to "having a right to live" because of all the fucking mess that went on, the puzzle is coming together.

~

as i was reading pete walker's book "complex ptsd: from surviving to thriving", bits about describing traumatized children growing into completely dysfunctional adults, to the point where they're on disability and literally can't function at all, i thought about how i essentially sabotaged myself through thing i described above.

if i didn't deliberately ruin everything, i may have had a network of artists at this point, probably opportunities that i can't even think of, stable income, probably also a stable community, but i just dipped right when i was getting more and more interesting commission requests, getting more known, merch being done with my art, people being interested in my stuff, getting some cool opportunities, some of which were even about to spread outside fandom circles...

that hole of void inside, that feeling of uselessness and not being enough, has been growing (along with other issues i had, but still) until it burst and i was avoiding it all like plague, saying "no" to everyone who came to me until they stopped coming, obsessing over being the lamest artist featured everywhere, being afraid to create because it felt like i'm ruining paper/canvas/digital spaces/etc with my essence, that i'm not allowed to make myself present in anyone's life, unless i earned that right through being "useful", and even then i still experienced paranoia and severe anger issues and so, so, so many other things that led me to be diagnosed with a mood disorder, a personality disorder, and then put on antipsychotics and antidepressants.

...

you know, now that i'm typing this all out, i'm thinking that this made it all even worse. i'm even more scared of approaching these issues, because now they have a "take a pill and shut up" layer to it. "you're born useless and don't have a place among us, sedate yourself so you stop being a nuisance to everyone". "no, the world is completely fine, you're the broken one". "normal people live fine with X and Y, you're just crazy, delusional, sick, yOuR BraIn ChEmIcAlS ArE OfF meNtAL iLLness Is WHen Ur BraIn Is BrokeN1!1 MentAl DisorDers ExisT In VacUuM U jUsT WeRe BorN MenThollY EEL TAKE THIS COCKTAIL OF DANGEROUS DRUGS WITH A BUNCH OF SIDE EFFECTS THAT WILL KILL THE REST OF YOUR MIND!!111"

i have no idea in the fucking slightest what to do. i'm doing much, much better than ever. i could even say, i'm very close to being normal, at least in the way i define it. but everything that has to do with vague definition of occupation, hobby, and collective/community? i'm kinda just brute forcing things as of now, idk.

but i don't think i can push it this way for long, cuz... progress in my skills doesn't heal. using a new language doesn't heal. finishing projects, no matter how fun or cool, doesn't heal. getting praised for these doesn't heal. getting paid for my art (or anything at all in theory) doesn't heal. socializing doesn't heal, i just do it in spite of lil demon behind my shoulder constantly whispering me that i'm everyone's laughing stock/annoyance/whatever and everyone i'm interested in wants me away. having some people prove these delusions to me in the past few years didn't help either.

maybe i'll come to solution later, as i always do, but as of now... i'm stuck and i don't know where to start

[seventeenlovesthree]

I know you like to spread positivity about all kinds of ships but I still wanted to ask if there are any digimon ships you really hate? Not meaning to be negative about it just curious.

Oh, that reminds me of that post I reblogged about how people can't openly "dislike" things on the internet anymore... And I would also maintain that I don't actually "hate" any ship, but that there are some dynamics that are simply not for me, whether it's the canon depiction or the fandom portrayal. I still enjoy playing my ship dynamics game, because it allows me to dive deeper into certain (potential) relationships. And I still think everyone should be able to ship whatever they like and lighthearted banter is also completely fine, as long as they don't harass others, vandalize art, write hatefic, start ship wars and so on. Believe me, I have seen people lose interest in fandom and pull back completely because of petty ship wars and it's just sad.

That being said, there might be a few dynamics I tend to avoid romantically, even if I enjoy most of these platonically (or at least in very specific contexts):

Taichi/Yamato: I recently wrote a huge analysis on how I perceive them and why I think they're rather tragic. I guess my inner child has always been kinda annoyed by their trope-y over-exposure ever since I had access to the internet and I simply am not enjoying "rival" ships (even though they still aren't even classic rivals in my book). Doujin portrayals are filled with angst or mainly physicality too and I don't like how those artists usually ignore that these two have OTHER PEOPLE in their lives too, which, again, makes it really tragic and sad and I really want them to HEAL for once, so... No, they're not for me.

Koushirou/Mimi: The fun part about them is that I actually liked them as a ship when I was a kid. And once again, I pointed out a lot of their good qualities before - but Tri really summarized everything I don't enjoy about their portrayal (and that doesn't even include certain fandom corners yet that go way too hard with their kinks on them, which make me just... Uncomfortable. The same/related corners also can make me have issues with very specific Taichi/Mimi fandom portrayals, but I will not go into further detail here, because it's just cruel). I absolutely adore them as friends, but there are just way too many things that make me believe they'd struggle to be compatible romantically with each other long-term.

Yamato/Mimi: I get that they are very popular in various fandom corners and I maintain, ship and let ship! As for me personally, I simply do not see them being compatible, mainly due to their lack of (positive) interactions, even though I did try to outline their potential before.

Yamato/Sora: Disclaimer, I do NOT hate them - in fact, I will probably always be one of those who will defend their parallels to one another AND them being mirrors to Taishirou (and in a lot of my AUs, you will find them as complementary ship to them after all). However... I mainly like their potential. What I don't like is their canon portrayal, because it simply doesn't give me enough to see them in a romantic context, especially long-term. Short term? Heck yeah, why not? But everything beyond that... We all know what I am referring to here, ahem. There was art out there that said they were each other's "comphet phase" and I will never get that out of my head. I also maintain that they both may just want Taichi. Which makes it even more tragic.

Daisuke/Hikari: Again, disclaimer, I think fandom tends to portray them rather nicely and I do believe they have a lot of potential. And I don't hate them, I am just annoyed with how they tend to be depicted in canon, because it feels like an unnecessarily cruel running gag that doesn't let either of them shine in their best light.

Edit: Small shout-out to Ken/Miyako and I know it's cheap to dump on the canon ships like that, but I still feel like it's very one-sided in its portrayal (even if The Beginning made a bit progress in that regard, but I still feel like they should go poly with Daisuke, period). Again, don't hate it, just wish it was more visible.

[massivekittycreation-blog1]

How My First Concert (Era's Tour) Turned Into a Nightmare

Backstory 

Your string of lights is still bright to me 

When Taylor Swift announced she was finally going to have a tour, I was really excited. I wasn't a fanatic, but I was so excited that I was finally going to see her. I became a huge fan during 1989 and listened to it wherever I could since it wasn’t freely available at the time. Reputation came out and I loved it, and Lover followed and I must have listened to Cruel Summer about 2,000 times annoying my college roommates. Folklore and Evermore spoke to my sadness and turned me towards escapism and romanticism. And Midnights was just amazing, as were her re-records. Her lyricism always spoke to me and for some reason it stayed timeless, unlike with other artists where the beat usually spoke to me or if the lyrics spoke to me, eventually the good lyricism faded and it was no longer fun to listen to anymore. But she had songs for every mood: falling in love, for unrequited love, for anger and resentment, for revenge, for the qualms of being a woman, for the pain felt in betrayal, for heartbreak, for grief, for having a fun time, for reminiscing - any emotion one could feel in the human condition, Taylor Swift had a song that took that sole emotion and told the story of it in three minutes, or ten if you’re lucky. My feeds were filled with her on them and I always heard about her where I went. When the tour tickets came, I got in line in class to get the code, and I didn’t get selected to get it. However, my friend Lilly who purchased clothes from her got the code and somehow was able to get nosebleed tickets around my birthday. Lilly gifted me the tickets she bought as my birthday gift and I was so grateful. Lilly and I both struggled with mental health and our severe eating disorders, so whenever we felt down, we both tried to remember how close the Taylor Swift concert was and held onto that, as did my providers trying to remind me when I felt sad that there was something to look forward to. 

The Concert

I said remember this feeling

Getting to the concert was a mission within itself, and both our anxiety levels were really high trying to navigate through lines of thousands of people. We also were both struggling to want to take photos of ourselves. But we kept saying that once Taylor Swift came on stage, everything would be okay. I would finally be able to hear Cruel Summer after listening to the song for four years. This was also my first concert as I grew up in a household that was Orthodox Muslim and banned music in the house unless it was in languages we couldn’t understand (which also made me never be able to follow my childhood dreams of being a singer, but that’s a story for another day). Lilly and I got food to eat and then we went to go find our seats through seas of people. We watched Gracie Abrams perform and then we said HAIM perform as well. Around 7:35 PM, a family came and said we were sitting in our seats. We asked the Levi’s employee where to go and he didn’t help us at all. He just kept mumbling random things about different sections making both of us confused and stressed because Taylor would be taking the stage soon. 

The Incident 

If you never touched me, I would’ve gone along with the righteous 

Then they would’ve, never whispered about this 

As we tried to get to our new seats, which I must say stadiums are awfully designed, we had to get between all the people and there’s no proper way to walk to your seat without getting in people’s faces. We walked face facing the people down a row and these two girls moved their legs to the side and I kept walking and said excuse me to a man to move and he said something like ‘of course’, stood up, and firmly grabbed my waist for absolutely no reason. There was no reason to assault my body or touch me without my consent. I couldn’t process what was happening as usually I am much more on guard when walking past men but I was in a new environment and didn’t expect it. I wriggled out of his grasp and said something along the lines of ‘Please don’t touch me’ but I doubt he heard because I was trying so fast to get away from him. We made our way up to our seats and once we sat down I turned to Lilly and said “Did you see that? He grabbed me.” Lilly replied “I did see that ew and I tried to stay away from him when crossing him”. HAIM continued to perform but I couldn’t think straight anymore. Lilly turned to me asked “Are you okay?” I didn’t look at her as I said “No” and stared into the distance. The HAIM sisters left and I had told Lilly much earlier that once Applause came on, the show would start soon. Soon, Applause came on and I just couldn’t think. I couldn’t think about the concert, I couldn’t think about anything, my anxiety started to rise and I couldn’t breathe properly. I took some of my Xanax but barely anything and it didn’t help. They rolled Taylor out in her cleaning cart and Lilly said “Look!! It’s Taylor. Oh my gosh can you see her get out?!?” And I stared blankly ahead. Applause ended and the clock for 2 minutes until the show started began and I told Lilly “I’ll be right back”. 

I made my way up the steps and I knew I would miss what I had been waiting for for months, and what others would never get a chance to see but I could barely breathe. I went to the railings facing away from the stadium and I tried to catch my breath, but I couldn’t breathe properly. I couldn’t believe that I didn’t say anything, and that I didn’t stop it after more than a year in Krav Maga specifically for a situation like that. Suddenly, I was 19 years old again being sexually harassed by a 28 year old personal trainer at SJSU, suddenly I was back in Feb of 2023 being sexually harassed by a safety cadette meant to give me rides at fucking SJSU AGAIN, suddenly my nervous system went into overdrive and I couldn’t think, I could just feel that man’s hands firmly on my waist. I started to cry minimally and I heard *BOOM BOOM* “IT’S FEARLESS”* aka the beginning of the show and as I tried my best to breathe while holding onto the railing, I watched the last of the concertgoers run to get to their seats. I saw a security guard in front of me but I realized he could see me and wasn’t going to do anything. 

I made my way down a flight of stairs and at this point my anxiety attack was getting worse and I wasn’t even sure where I was going or where I had made it. I was down a long gray hallway with nobody on it. I saw one worker walking way ahead of me with a popcorn bucket and I yelled “HEY!” He turned, “DO YOU WORK HERE”. He paused and waited for me, “DO YOU KNOW WHERE SECURITY IS?” I went up to him and he asked me what was wrong and I told him that I was trying to get to my seat and a man had grabbed my waist and I started to cry uncontrollably. He told me to come with him, and said “Just keep taking deep breaths”. We made our way down some more and we reached security, he told the two women what had happened and one of them said “Oh no. Are you serious? Not here!” And she asked me if I was okay as I told her what happened while hyperventilating and crying and she took me to her boss, Alice. I had somehow made my way into the luxury suite (where the rich or lucky winners rented out suites to watch the show, had access to free food all night long, and access to private restrooms) and I followed the guard as we made our way to Alice. I kept crying and I got some looks from others as I walked by them with the guard and she asked me multiple times “Ma’am are you okay? Are you sure you’re okay?” while I nodded. We finally got to Alice and I explained what happened. Alice had a level of empathy that nobody else in that stadium had. She listened and told me something along the lines of “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry that this happened, this is ridiculous that men in 2023 think that they can touch women without their consent. And especially at a Taylor Swift concert? She doesn’t stand for any of that! Why are you here if you’re going to do that?” And her empathy meant so much as I continued to cry, she let me sit down and brought me some water as my hands began to shake. Alice felt so badly that I was missing the concert and wanted me to still see it. While we waited for Alice’s supervisor, she let me sit in seats that weren’t available and I saw Taylor Swift performing Lover. Alice sat near me but then two guys in front of us kept staring at me and I told Alice because I thought it was because I was still crying, and she said maybe it was because nobody was supposed to be sitting where we were but it would be great if they would mind their own business. So I went back inside while we waited for the supervisor. 

I stared out at Taylor Swift probably 100 feet from me who had gone through the exact same thing and the surrealism washed over me. I couldn’t believe that I was here crying with a bunch of Levi’s employees over something that had also happened to the woman performing 100 feet away from me and she would never even know that this was currently happening or happened at her own concert. It was so surreal and I thought of course this would happen to me. 

We finally got Alice’s supervisor who wasn’t very empathetic and said he had to call his supervisor who was in charge of that section and then they called the Santa Clara Police Department (SCPD) to come to where we were. Alice tried to find a place that was comfortable but we couldn’t so we ended up outside on a concrete slab next to a pole where I sat because they also called EMS (emergency medical services) and I met an EMS worker who introduced himself, but nothing mattered because I was crying uncontrollably and I was shaking like I was in the frigid cold, but I was not. The worker told me he was waiting for his boss Megan to come outside. Megan came outside and introduced herself to me and she told me that I was doing a great job and told me to continue to take deep breaths. Alice wanted us to go to the medical room above, but then everybody was worried the SCPD wouldn’t be able to find us. So I just sat there with Alice on one side and told her that the man would probably make up some bullshit excuse of “I was trying to help her” and she said she knew and she told her supervisor that’s the excuse he would give and she was sorry. She asked if it was my first Taylor Swift concert and I looked at her sadly and said it’s my first concert and she said “oh my gosh, I hope this doesn’t ruin your experience” but it did - I never wanted to go to a concert again. Two male SCPD officers came to the door, but Alice told them we requested a female police officer and they were waiting for her. One of them asked if I could tell them what happened and I asked them to ask Alice so I didn’t have to repeat it and he got my name and birthday for the 3rd time that hour. He seemed annoyed I wouldn’t just tell him what happened. Finally, two female SCPD officers and one more male SCPD came out and the women asked me what happened. These officers were some of the most cold people I could’ve met and at that point I wished I had just talked ot the men. I told them what happened, they asked me how many seconds it was, what way I was facing, things I couldn’t remember at that moment and then I showed them and they said “So there’s nothing we can do. It was filed as assault but for it to be sexual assault it needs to be around the breast or buttocks area for the purpose of sexual arousal and there’s nothing we can do. Is there anything else you need or want to be done?”. There wasn’t and I knew it was going to be that answer. 

The SCPD gathered in a corner away from us and Alice took me inside with Megan who was still with us. Alice tried to look for an empty suite so I could sit somewhere quietly but they had all been rented out for the evening so she took me to a table and had me sit down. 

The whole time, Lilly had been asking where I was and if I was okay and I said I needed a minute, and I felt so bad for Lilly. Lilly LOVED Taylor Swift probably more than me and knew all her early albums and had been waiting to see her for months - it was the one thing getting through her life. And I didn’t want her to miss it, I would’ve felt so guilty if she missed the one thing she flew all the way on a plane to see. However, at one point Alice asked if Lilly wanted to be a witness (when we weren’t sure what SCPD would do) so I told her where to come but she had no idea where I was as I don’t even know how I made it on the suite level and Alice went to find her. 

Around this time Alice wanted to move us to the place where the not suite area but like either you won the seats through the radio or you paid a ton of money for them. She brought out three chairs and asked if I wanted to go watch and went to go find Lilly. The security guard I hadn’t talked much to wanted to show me the seats but I asked her to wait because I needed my medication first. And everybody could see me, the anxiety was getting better but I looked odd sitting at a table with nobody but Megan the EMS head behind me. Megan asked me if I wanted to see the doctors as there were 2 doctors a level below us and I said yes, but I also told her I took Xanax earlier when all this happened and she said I was welcome to go to the doctors, but getting the medicine would take longer, it would probably be stronger, and it might be better to wait for my Xanax that Lilly had as it’s something I was used to taking and would be quicker. 

What felt for forever and Alice found Lilly and Lilly gave me a hug and the security guard the one I hadn’t talked to was over it and wanted to show us to our seats, so I asked Alice 

‘Can I wait till I take my medicine and it works and then go sit with her?’ so Alice said yes and the guard showed us our three seats and I told Lilly to sit and wait. 

I already felt awful that she missed the whole Reputation Era and didn’t want her to miss anything else. She came back in at one point and said “I want to watch with you come pelase” and I told her that I just needed to be alone and would come out soon because honestly the las tthing on my mind at that point was Taylor Swift since I already missed the whole concert basically and I didn’t want Lilly to miss her favorite song, Long Live that she had been talking about all week. I could see all the people in front of me and the two rows yelling the lyrics to each other and dancing with their kids. Megan left and I signed off that I didn’t want to see a doctor. 

I took my medicine and was still a mess but a bit calmer. I sat there and wondered - why did this happen to me? Growing up Orthodox Muslim, I have never shown my legs outside of my household, and that was the first day my outfit consisted of shorts with a black see through cover up and I wondered if God was punishing me. So I asked Lilly for her yoga pants and went to the bathroom and changed out of that goddamn dress and into the yoga pants, my jacket, and my boots. A woman in the bathroom asked me if I was okay and I said “Yeah, I’m fine thank you”. Another woman or maybe it was the same one saw how sad I was probably and asked if I wanted apple juice and I said no thank you. 

After a while, the security guard who I didn’t really talk to came up to me and basically shamed me, saying “I wish you would go sit with your friend because people who aren’t supposed to be there keep trying to sit with her” even though I was still trying to calm down. By the time I was semi calm and not crying I basically missed the whole show about 2-2.25 hours, it was around 10:15 PM and she was in the 1989 era. I took some videos but I utterly felt bad for Lilly. Style came on and she said “Look! It’s your favorite song!” And I stared back at her blankly. She wanted to do what everybody else was doing, have fun, scream the lyrics to each other and take videos. But my mind was somewhere else. It was almost like I was seeing Taylor Swift perform and recording some parts but I was detached and dissociated like it wasn’t actually happening. I couldn’t focus on her performance, I couldn’t think of anything except the past three hours, the police, the EMS, Alice, the fact that they couldn’t do anything and I just wanted to leave. Even the next day when I looked at the concert footage that I did take, I didn’t remember taking it.

Alice came by and I stepped out again to tell me something I don’t remember but I remember asking her if that man broke Levi’s and she said her supervisor would have to see. I asked her if I could be escorted out and she said they said they wouldn't do that so I asked if I could just wait until the very end for about 20-30 minutes when people cleared and leave. She said yes, I thanked her, and she left. 

The show continued, she played songs that I listened to and loved, and I felt absolutely nothing. I was a statue in a sea of screaming fans. 

And then came leaving. Alice’s not empathetic supervisor did walk us down and when I asked if the man broke any rules, he said they had to check footage and did some weird "you should be thankful" speech of “we called the police we changed your seat etc. we did that because we care. You’ll hear from us once footage is reviewed” and then sent us on our way. I ordered the Lyft for 1:30 AM because I heard the concert ended at 12 AM and getting out was a nightmare and didn’t want to drop 100 dollars on an Uber. Then only did I realize that my phone was at 1% as we went to walk to where the Lyft was. I went to two guards and said “I don’t know what happened (my phone must have been idle while I was talking to the EMS, Police, etc. and ended up draining or something) but my phone is dead, my friend's phone is cracked and barely working and do you have a charger? She said of course and took me inside where we plugged it in. I asked if I could use the bathroom and just as I went up their boss came down and said “What is she doing?!? She can’t go up there no way. We’re trying to close here and nobody is going to the bathrooms. You can go across the street to the porta potties. What is going on? She’s charging her phone? Come over here with me.” I could already tell he was the meanest boss ever as he pulled them away and reprimanded them for letting me charge my phone. He made the lady inside give me my dying phone back and said “Your phone is dying and your phone’s friend doesn’t work? Well you better figure it out because we’re closing.” And then I took my phone and walked away knowing we’d miss our LYFT. 

We tried to walk to where it was but everybody was gone by 1:30 AM and our ride left us by then. A bunch of cars kept driving up to us with creepy men asking “Hey ladies, need a ride?” At one point I asked the driver if he was Christina, our original LYFT Driver. He said “Do I look like Christina?” I said, “I don’t know, maybe” because I was so annoyed. Then he said “Why don’t you get in and find out? Not you, but your friend over there is cute.” Lilly, who also has trauma and is 19 years old. The whole thing was disgusting. I was so tired and one more man came up to us and I literally started acting crazy and he drove off. 

Lilly said we needed to go back to Levi’s so we did, and I saw some workers told them about the charger situation and one of their workers said “Hold on, let me go get mine”. He was sweet, he told us how he wasn’t a Taylor Swift fan and Lilly talked to him. He asked us, being 2 AM, “Didn’t the concert end at 11 PM” and we both sighed in sadness. He let us charge our phone for a while while Lilly told him about the creepy men and he mentioned he lived in downtown asking where I lived. I said same and he said “I’d offer to give you guys a ride but I don’t want to seem creepy” and we both laughed. He let us sit in his construction thing that was meant to hold down the barriers taken down from the stadium and drove us to the proper pickup spot once my phone was charged. We thanked him, ordered the Lyft and got home. 

And the next day was awful. I medicated the whole day to avoid remembering the previous day. Lilly couldn’t stop talking about Taylor Swift or playing the concert videos and talking about how she wished we could go back and all I could think was “I wish Taylor Swift knew this happened to me at her concert, and I don’t want to hear these videos, or hear about her concert anymore because all I am reminded is of one of the worst nights in my life.” 

I sat there wondering why it happened to me. Was it because I wore shorts? Why did this keep happening? What was I doing wrong? I saw images of old Muslim friends also at her concerts in great seats all excited and wondered - for those Muslims who are so religious and all they do on Friday sermons is criticize ‘fornication’ and women who don’t dress ‘fully clothed’ and shame and damn singers like me to spend our lives in hell for wearing ‘haram’ outfits and everybody who saw us perform - we would be responsible for making them sin -> why did they get to have an amazing night and I didn’t? I was so angry that sexual assault only counted legally for the butt and breast area and then any other part of a woman’s body was up for grabs by anybody legally. I thought of all the people going to ask me how the tour was and how I’d have to make up some bullshit response about how I didn’t actually miss 2 hours of it and how I wasn’t assaulted and how the police and emergency medical services never happened. I’d have to say it was really nice, make up some lie about which era and song I liked the best even though I missed the whole thing. I didn’t want to hear about the tour anymore I didn’t want to see it all over the news and I didn’t want to hear Lilly mention it. All I could do was cry in bed on Monday about how guilty I felt because I caused Lilly to miss a whole era and  to not be able to be fully present the whole show, and how I missed all my favorite songs and how the one night supposed to be fun had ended up traumatizing me forever at a concert with a woman who is a fierce feminist and stands for none of what I went through and how she’ll never know what happened to me while she was 100 feet away singing and dancing her heart out. 

I did try and reach out to Taylor Nation, to her merchandise contact, to somebody to explain what happened and if there was anything to remedy it, but I never got a reply. @taylorswift If you ever see this now, a reply would be great. Please be safe y'all.

[succubusphan]

Two Man Team - Chapter 9

Summary: This is the story of two struggling friends who after many trials and tribulations find their way back to each other and build the life they've always dreamed of.

Or how Phil changed his life by talking to random strangers on the internet.

Rating: E

Tags/warnings: Friends to lovers, Friends with benefits, mental health issues (mainly anxiety), Slow burn, Dan is a psych student. Canon divergence (the timeline is altered and some things never happened), Slutty Phil, Angst with a happy ending. The fic spans many years.

Author's Note: Written for the OSPBB 2023 @oldschoolpbb. Thank you @effingmeteors for being my life saviour and beta as usual and to my artist Lin @anironsidh.

Edits and the art will be added at some point, we are busy bees.

POSTING EVERY DAY UNTIL IT'S COMPLETED.

Total Word Count: 75k ish

Read on Ao3

CHAPTER 9: Dear Love

The anxiety-induced stomach pain was so strong that Phil thought he would start crawling up the walls of his flat. On one hand, he didn’t want to cry, on the other, he felt that it would probably provide some sort of release to all the emotions he’d been bottling up for the past five years. He finally had answers, stupid answers, shitty answers even, but maybe this would help him move on. He walked into his flat and started stripping, leaving a trail of clothes all the way down to the bathroom where he looked at himself in the mirror and shook his head at his heartbroken expression. He hopped into a scalding shower, washing himself before deciding to sit there and let the water melt his pain away.

“I never got over you, Phil. I still feel exactly the same,” he heard Dan’s voice saying over and over. 

He huffed.

Phil was still mad because he had been the one trying to remain friends but his attempts had been met with rejection. It was not up to him to keep trying forever and it was very hurtful that Dan had taken it that way. Even if he couldn’t handle the fact that Phil had feelings for him, they could have stayed friends, there was no need for Dan to leave him behind like a piece of trash.

His phone started ringing somewhere, his bedroom perhaps. It didn’t matter, he could ignore it and whoever it was would give up soon enough - or that’s what Phil had thought. It rang, and rang, and rang for a long time, until Phil got so annoyed that he towelled himself off and went in search of it. 

It was laying on his bed, ringing, mocking him as he read the name displayed on the screen. It was Dan. 

The fact that Dan had kept his phone number all this time and not texted him added salt to injury. This time he rejected the call and sent Dan to voicemail, smiling as he pictured Dan's dejected face on the other side of the line. It was out of sheer pettiness but he couldn't help himself; it was a small victory but a victory at last.

But it didn’t last long. It seemed that Dan had chosen not to leave a voicemail and opted for calling back again. Phil raised one eyebrow as he shot daggers at his phone screen. He felt the pain inside him turn into ice, hot ice. “What do you want?” he spat as soon as he picked up the phone.

“Please, Phil. Please, please let’s keep talking. I am willing to keep apologising to you.”

“Oh, you can keep apologising as many times as you want and however you want. I heard your apology, which is more than what you did for me, that doesn’t mean that you deserve to be forgiven.”

“I know that,” Dan said, his voice shaky, as if he was holding back tears. “I just - I’m so sorry. And I’m sorry that I was angry today. I had no right to be angry when I was the one to mess up everything,” he continued.

Hearing Dan so upset made Phil’s eyes well up, but he refused to let the tears fall. He wouldn’t give Dan that power over him. He took a deep breath and said his peace: “Let me ask you something: Have you considered that maybe I was never actually projecting and that by assuming that you not only treated me like an idiot but it was also clearly fueled by your unresolved low self-esteem? You just couldn’t believe that someone you were attracted to and was your match in literally everything could be attracted to you because you hated yourself and didn’t think that anyone else would truly love you so you made this theory up in your mind to justify running away?”

Dan sniffled but stayed silent for a little while, so much so that Phil would’ve thought the call was dropped if he didn’t hear Dan trying to calm himself through breathing techniques. 

“Sorry,” Dan said shakily.

“Stop apologising!” Phil snapped.

“Ok,” Dan mumbled. “I - I never thought about it like that.”

Phil wanted to question Dan on whether he truly got his degree because he felt that it was a fairly obvious analysis of the situation, but he decided that despite how hurt he felt, he was not going to insult Dan’s intelligence so harshly. “So you always doubted yourself, but in this particular matter, you decided to doubt me and my feelings and intentions, thinking that you were better at understanding me than myself. It couldn’t have possibly been that someone actually cared about you. It had to be some sort of mistake or something that you manipulated me into,” he said, his tone as even as he could make it while still being upset.

“I can’t- “ Dan said. “I want us to keep talking about this, if you are up for it, but this changes everything. I think I need to take a few days to think about everything again and speak to my therapist. I am… freaking out again, to be honest.”

Phil thought about it for a moment. When he left the bar, he was sure that he didn’t want to speak to Dan ever again but now he wasn’t so sure anymore. Now he felt like he needed to see this through, wherever the discussion would take them. “Alright,” he said simply.

Dan let out a choked sob. “Thank you, thank you,” he whispered. “I promise, I will call back soon, I just need to - yeah.”

Swallowing the urge to stay on the line and comfort Dan in spite of everything, Phil cleared his throat and spoke softly. “Take care.”

“You too,” Dan said and Phil immediately disconnected the call.

Phil let his arm fall and stared at his phone screen. It was just after 7 and he was ready for the day to be over already but he hadn’t eaten anything all day. He felt nauseous both because of his empty stomach and because of everything that happened. 

He got into bed and pulled the covers over his head, feeling the tears prickling in his eyes, his breath becoming more laboured with every passing second as he hesitated to make the call. It rang twice before the call connected. “Mark?” He said, trying to sound normal but failing.

“Babe, what happened?” he asked. 

“Love? Oh, is it Phil?” asked Noah in the background. 

“Yeah,” Mark whispered. “Sounds like he’s crying.” Then he addressed Phil. “You’re on speaker now.”

“Sorry,” Phil said. “I didn’t know what else to do. I met up with Dan.”

“Oh my god!” said Mark and Noah on the other side. “Babe, we’re coming,” added Noah.

Phil smiled, thankful that Noah had become such a good friend as well instead of being jealous of Phil and Mark’s past. “Thank you, guys.”

“Ask him if he needs food!” Noah yelled, now sounding further away from the call.

“Have you eaten?” Mark asked.

“No, can you bring some bread, maybe?”

“Oh, darling we’re bringing more than just bread,” Mark said.

“We’re sleeping over!” Noah announced.

Phil nodded even though they couldn’t see him. “Alright. Still have the key?”

“You know I do,” Mark said. “Try to sleep a little if you can. We’ll be right over.”

“Kay.”

For some reason, the call made his urge to cry ease away and replaced it with a pounding headache and dizziness. Phil shut his eyes and by the time he opened them Noah and Mark were in his bedroom with worried faces.

“Babe?” Mark tried, but Phil couldn’t utter a word, instead, the dam finally broke and he began to sob like he hadn’t sobbed in years, so much so that he could barely breathe. Mark pulled him into a tight hug and Noah sat at his side shushing him and rubbing circles on his back.

Eventually, Noah went to reheat the food for Phil and let them talk privately if they wanted to, loudly announcing when he was coming back into the room. “Do you want me to wait on the sofa?”

Phil reached a shaky hand out to him. “No, don’t leave.”

Noah nodded and sat at their side, his fingers still laced with Phil’s.

“What happened?” Mark asked. “Did you just run into him again?”

“Again?” Noah asked, raising one eyebrow.

Mark shot him a disapproving look which made Noah raise his hands. “Sorry.”

“I ran into him a few days ago, he acted a bit odd, like he was surprised to see me. He was with his partner, a guy called Sebastian that kept shooting daggers at me, especially when Dan spent a few minutes talking to me as if we were completely alone, ignoring him until I just said hi.”

“No!” said Noah, bewildered.

“Yeah,” Phil said. “It was weird. Then he wrote his phone number down on the palm of my hand and I left because that’s when Mark was waiting for me at the cinema, and when I grabbed a soda it had condensation on the outside and it erased the number, so that was that.”

“Right,” said Mark, trying to make Phil cut to the present. “So?”

Phil unlocked his phone and showed them the Facebook Messenger exchange.

“I thought you didn’t have him as a friend,” Mark said as he skimmed through the messages.

“I didn’t. He sent me the request after we ran into each other.”

“What happened today?” Noah pressed.

“We argued a lot,” Phil admitted, pressing his hand to his forehead, attempting to keep the impending headache away. “It was very messy. There were moments in which it was so easy to fall back into our old dynamic and I didn’t even feel angry at him, but then I kept remembering how much he hurt me. His reasoning for cutting me off was very… complex.” He let out a frustrated sigh. “He felt overwhelmed by a lot of things and he wanted to be with me, but he wasn’t sure if I wanted to be serious about him and he was jealous of Mark too. Sometimes his explanation was conflicting in itself, he was going a bit in circles, particularly about why he never reached out.” 

Mark frowned. “What did he say?”

“That he needed to stop being Dan from Dan and Phil to grow and accept himself, and he felt judged by people, so he stopped talking to me and he would do it again if he could go back in time, but he also said that he had hoped I would text him eventually. It didn’t make a lot of sense.” Phil shrugged. “Oh! And the best part was that he thought I was projecting because he was acting as my therapist at some point and it’s easy to fall for your safe person when you are unstable or something.” He tried not to get mad again, but just thinking about it all was not helping matters.

“I don’t think that supporting someone as a friend qualifies as being their therapist. Otherwise, I am going to need a few thousand pounds from you,” said Mark, trying to soothe Phil with humour.

Phil gave him a small smile. “Exactly. Then at one point we discussed him posting a video speaking about his entire issue with being online and his sexuality crisis and he wanted to mention that we were more than friends so he asked me if I was ok with it and if I would read the script.”

Noah’s eyes widened. “What did you say?”

“I didn’t agree or disagree, but for a second there I was fully on board for reading his script. Then I started questioning his whole… reasoning behind how he acted and he brought Mark and me up, and how Mark would be rude and compete with him, and he still sounded jealous. He managed to slut shame me for having sex with my friends but also said that he was not over me, even now and that he still had feelings for me.”

Mark raised his hand. “I have a question. I don’t want to think the worst of him, which is hard, because - well, you know how I feel about him.”

Phil nodded.

“But I feel like this could be a ploy because he wants to post this comeback video and bring up the ship and say it was real. Like, you have 4 million subscribers now and he only keeps losing ever since he stopped posting,” Mark said.

“If it was anyone else,” Phil said, shaking his head, “I think I would be suspicious of that, but I don’t think that’s it.” He still couldn’t bring himself to think the worst of Dan.

“But you said he has a boyfriend, right?” Noah asked.

“He does,” Phil said, biting his lip and pausing for a moment. “But after we agreed to meet, his relationship status changed to it’s complicated and the guy was no longer tagged in there.”

“I need your phone, like right now,” Noah said.

Phil gave him the phone and Noah gasped, covering his lips with his hand, his eyes full of glee. “He’s single!”

“No!” said Mark, trying to lean closer to see what his boyfriend was looking at. “Did he break up with his boyfriend for you?”

Phil shrugged. “I would have broken up with my boyfriend if they wanted to meet up with their former friend they used to fuck.”

Noah looked between them and shrugged. “It depends on how things play out, I guess.”

“I swear you are the most mature person I’ve ever met,” Phil said, feeling a bit better with his friends at his side.

“When he wants to,” Mark added. “We should eat before it gets cold.”

Noah rolled his eyes at the comment. “I’m fairly certain that it’s cold already but let’s move to the sofa and I’ll serve. If you guys want to put it in the microwave you can.”

“What’s for dinner?” Phil asked, feeling like a child. He got up and walked down the hallway with the guys in tow. 

“Pasta bolognese and roasted pears for dessert,” Noah said, as he walked into the kitchen.

“Thank you!” Phil said, watching Noah begin to assemble the plates until he felt Mark pulling him away.

“We’ll be in the living room, love,” Mark said, dragging Phil to the living room and sitting him down on the sofa before taking the place next to him. He observed Phil in silence for a moment, seemingly trying to read his face “Why were you so upset? Your timeline in this whole mess hasn’t been very straightforward.”

Phil let out a frustrated huff; he always got distracted while telling stories. “The conversation was confusing for me as well. We had nice moments, honest moments and we snapped at each other. So, we went out for a coffee and then he apologised and eventually said that he still had feelings for me and tried to grab my hand and I freaked out and left.”

“Oh, that makes sense,” Mark said.

Noah walked in with their plates. “I was listening from the kitchen, I need my plate and I’ll be back.”

“Alright,” Phil said with a smile, speaking a bit louder so that Noah could hear better. “So, I came home, hopped in the shower and tried to cry but I couldn’t, and Dan was blowing up my phone. By the way, I never gave him my number back so he had it all this time and he didn’t call.”

“What?” Noah screamed from the kitchen. He rushed back, nearly falling over with his meal.

Mark rolled his eyes and got up to help Noah settle with them.

“Yeah, so I rejected his calls because I got angry about that, but he wouldn’t stop calling so I picked up and by then I’d had time to go over some of the things he said and the fact that his arguments were bullshit,” Phil said.

“Like what?” Asked Noah.

“Dan has always thought that he didn’t deserve love and that nobody liked him because he was bullied a lot growing up, it was a whole thing. So I told him that he made up this narrative in which I didn’t even know what my feelings for him were, or that he manipulated me into having feelings for him through therapy, instead of just thinking that the person that he was attracted to liked him back. And that took him by surprise. He started crying and asked that we speak in a few days and he sounded so broken that I said yes.”

“This is good, right?” Noah asked, looking into Phil’s eyes. “Because he said he still has feelings for you and you obviously still love him too!”

If looks could kill, Mark would have gone to jail for murdering his boyfriend right then and there. “Love, some things, you don’t say out loud.”

Noah winced. “I’m sorry!” he said.

Phil was frozen in shock, blinking repeatedly, unable to breathe. Was it so obvious to Noah? He didn’t love Dan, did he? He was just - trying to… get over the past.

“Phil?” Noah asked. “I’m so sorry,” he pleaded.

“I -” Phil mumbled.

“Breathe!” Mark said, “and for fuck’s sake, eat your pasta, it must be freezing cold now.”

Phil took a bite of his tepid pasta and chewed, lost in thought. It was good pasta at least. How could it be so obvious to everyone around him? He didn’t even know how he felt about Dan, he had simply avoided thinking about it because it was just too painful and… “Fuck,” he said.

“What are you going to do now?” Mark asked.

“I’m going to lose my shit until he calls me back and tells me what he discussed in therapy. Then I’m going to freak out about whatever he says and if he still wants a second chance with me I am probably going to lose my mind and not know what to say,” Phil said, realising he was blowing on his cold pasta and just taking the bite.

“You are so dramatic,” said Noah. “Just ask him over and see where it goes.”

Phil shrugged and held his finger up as he swallowed. “I just had to repress my feelings for him for so long that I thought I was over it.”

“Sounds like you both wanted to believe that,” Noah pointed out.

“If he hurts you again I’m going to break his fucking legs,” Mark said, surprising Phil into a laugh.

“He’s no longer a scrawny kid,” Phil said, putting his fork down and opening Dan’s Facebook profile on his phone and giving it to Mark. “Make sure you don’t like any pictures.”

“Who do you take me for? I know how to stalk people quietly,” Mark said. 

Noah leaned over to look at Dan’s pictures as well. “Oh my god! Phil… I understand you completely. He is gorgeous!”

“Damn,” Mark said, not even arguing with Noah. “He’s hot now.”

“He has always been hot,” Phil said in a mix of defensiveness and jealousy. “But yeah, I noticed too. I have eyes.”

Mark gave him a look. “Is that why you agreed to meet up with him?”

“No, I noticed after,” Phil said defensively. “What do you take me for?”

“A horny fuck, especially when it comes to him,” Mark replied.

“I-” Phil sputtered. “Hey!”

“I thought that some things you shouldn’t say out loud,” said Noah, giggling.

“Depends,” said Mark. “Phil doesn’t mind being called a slut, but never accuse him of having feelings.”

Phil nodded with a satisfied smile.

“...Even if he does,” Mark added.

Noah snickered and Phil hit Mark with a cushion. 

After having debated things with his friends, Phil felt a lot better, like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. That was probably also related to the emotional release that crying brought him. When Dan left him, Phil had cried himself silly, but after a while, he became numb to the topic. He’d avoided thinking of Dan like the plague and just tried to carry on. Their chance encounter broke those walls down and everything was crumbling around him once again.

To end the night on a higher note, Mark made some drinks and put on some Buffy episodes which they all watched while cuddling on the sofa until they fell asleep.