#I just don't want it to be Nothing yknow. Like if I go to the doctors and their like. Lol your fine it'll go away on its own like. Wahh
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gumpertbookend · 20 hours ago
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That's all it was to you...? Just a minor inconvenience? Whoops, sorry!! Didn't mean to ruin my life, but at least it won't affect you, right? Typical.
"Now that's sure to turn you away." You fucking think? Have you ever tried to look at this from my perspective? Of course you haven't. Maybe I should put it into perspective for you, Ignignokt.
Being with your first love, thinking, "Wow, this is great." This is going to go far. yknow! a future maybe! Life is so good!! only to be criticized and belittled for a year and a half, ignoring it because you didn't want them to leave. Finally taking it into your own hands to communicate. only to find out that the entire thing was a lie and you were just a rebound. a replacement—no, no, a placeholder. You meant absolutely nothing and never will..and still... that's what I'm reading now. I only mattered when you were playing pretend; even now it's only when we ignore everything. What if Ogs had done this to you?
When will it end? I admit I came here seeking closure, but I knew better. I won't ever get that from you. I'm trying so hard to be normal with you, but I can't let go of 10+ years like you can. What "just happened" to you ruined my life and outlook on a lot of things.
...but I can't change your mind. I can't change anything. I can't make you see it from my eyes… but I don't think I can forgive you. I don't—you don't deserve my forgiveness. Not yet anyway.. if ever. I don't know, Shady. I don't know anything anymore…
Hey, Shady..we need to talk ..
𝔀𝓱𝓪𝓽 𝓪𝓫𝓸𝓾𝓽?
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spacecatdet · 4 days ago
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Already seen victim blaming on xitter 👍 Lets not do that and lets leave the hermits alone. Make up your own minds on if you should support Iskall. But I feel like if one of his VH team members leaving for differing morals, the hermits going back 6 plus years to remove him from thumbnails and titles, and removing him from the site and merch should be enough Doc even said they can't talk about it which could mean anything, including something legal. Mumbo said there were no minors invovled but doesn't mean others weren't since there ARE victims Just leave the hermits be, and let the victims decide if they want to come out. And stop victim blaming lmao
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deoidesign · 6 months ago
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#ok finally making a post about meds#I've not ever tried taking medication before. I was sorta raised with that classic 'dont rely on meds you have to learn to manage without'#I mean I was also raised with the idea that therapy is stupid unless you have 'real' trauma. and also like idk.#can't stay home from school unless your temp is over 100 or you're throwing up. etc. very suck it up mindset#so I was just really nervous to start. also of course worried about losing myself or whatever I know that's a silly fear but#it's also a common fear for a reason!!! anyways#so I finally was like 'I need to do something' when I realized I was so anxious I couldnt even get myself to go outside alone#like I just don't want to do ANYTHING alone to a detrimental effect. and it was butting into my ability to do my work...#for various reasons. but then ALSO adhd has been a constant issue with my work as well!#it is SO hard to write and draw on a weekly pace like I am without being able to focus#my whole life I've had these terrible nightmares constantly and I've always woken up constantly in the night#sleep has always been terrible so I've always dreaded going to bed.. ESPECIALLy because it didnt even make me less tired#it was more something that I just did because I had to.#but going to bed was always terrible. there have been times I was too scared to go to sleep for weeks on end...#I've been mitigating this for years of course. and recently I've been taking melatonin which has been helping too.#but I've also always struggled to get up. because I've always been EXTREMELY exhausted#but also anxious of what the day might bring... idk.#anyways it has all hit a point that I was like okay. I am doing as many coping mechanisms as I can. the psych said they were good too#but... it just has never been enough. it's never been enough to make me not tired it's never been enough to make me not scared#so I finally talked to the doc about it. and she was like youve def got smth wrong basically. which yah I know.. but yknow#anyways so I started taking wellbutrin. and I am so frustrated now. because it's WORKING#that constant looming sense of dread is gone. I'm excited to get up. I'm excited to go to bed BECAUSE I'm excited to get up#I feel like for years I've been holding on to the idea that I have to get up because I have to put something good out into the world#and I've been clinging to knowing that if nothing else. I am able to help other people feel better.#but now for the first time in my life I'm like. free of it. I didnt even know it was possible... and I'm so sad how much I've lost out on#and so frustrated how my whole life I've been told to put up with it and push through it. and treated like a failure for it being too much.#and just. It has only been 2 weeks. but the lack of anxiety is SO noticeable I'm so...#I'll never miss it. the adhd is still pretty present but like whatever. I can manage that better.#and I'm just crying because of all this combined.#I just. I hope I get to finally be the best I can be now. for myself but also for you guys!
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papakhan · 15 days ago
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It always comes back to me but I think about the Probably Not Intentional by the Devs implications that Papa Khan has depression and can be very rapidly convinced to kill himself like. All the time.
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slimylittlemaggot · 7 months ago
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Ngl I should probably go to hospital rn but I don't want to cuz I have class tomorrow and I don't want to miss it
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unproduciblesmackdown · 5 months ago
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costume design, set mockup, and rehearsal photos from this guide to the show that's like really thorough in providing Context like, mini articles about the creators of the original movie, musical, and movie musical, about other versions of productions, the history, quotes of other commentary, interview quotes, context of other / preexisting genres like b movies, faustian stories, "what if a plant was weird" stories, glossary of terms (such as references that may generally be less obscure if you were in the '60s, e.g.), suggested further reading....haven't read it top to bottom but i think it's fantastic, link to the pdf as post source
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anaalnathrakhs · 3 months ago
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my parents aren't abusive in any way, but living with them is like... letting your kid cousin play with a prized collection, gritting your teeth and hoping for them to be done with it soon, knowing any second something could be broken, and anyway you'll have to put the whole thing back together right afterwards. and like the kid cousin, you gotta not necessarily keep an eye on them, but always be on call, thinking about WHAT the kid might be doing and WHERE they are, so you don't make them feel too unsuported or unheard
#i genuinely don't think it's even BAD parenting i think i just started snowballing into really long-term issues very young#and what is a parent to do in this situation with a kid that can't express things clearly with limited time with so many factors#so here i am. to the stage where i'm worsening my own problems all by myself#cuz yknow they didn't tell me DO THIS AND THIS AND THIS like last month or anything#but they do have repeatedly told me in the moments and in retrospect at various ages#that what i was doing was weird and incomprehensible and ''abnormal for that age''#and now i have the obsessive need to repay even a little bit of the infinitely deep pit of what i owe to them#i should spend time with them i should eat with them i should never cost them anything and repay the debt as soon as i can#i should go places with them and follow them and follow them and follow their pace of life#i should be there all the time and also leave them alone whenever they want and i should guess when they want to be together or alone#and nothing will happen if i don't! nothing! they will do nothing! nothing bad!#but i feel like i should fucking slit my throat if i don't!#every second i live with them i keep digging my debt and being the worst child there's ever been#if i were to live apart every second would be the EXACT SAME except even more expensive#i'm so close to just asking my mom if i can sort of squat grandma's flat until it's emptied#but like. like. what's even the point. what even is the point of a symbolic distance of One Kilometer#that's fucking selfish and stupid to even entertain the possibility#but like at least i think i could work more#and better#i should've fucking gone through with it this summer#broadcasting my misery#vent
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trans-xianxian · 1 year ago
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does anybody have any advice on seeking a diagnosis for chronic fatigue or just like. a chronic illness in general? I don't know how to bring up something specific like that w my doctor without like... seeming like I'm trying to diagnose myself and being dismissed
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donttouchtheneednoggle · 1 year ago
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shout out to thomas from ghosts for yoinking me out of a panic attack before it could really get going
#was shaking and trying not to cry and floating somewhere on the ceiling#then friday im in love came on the radio and reminded me of him doing his stupid little dance and it made me smile and calmed me down a bit#but i gotta give myself credit for not panicking at the panic too much and feeding it more#time was when feeling the thing i felt from first year tm would've sent me into a week long spiral#feels so stupid tho all it was was my volunteering manager asked if i wanted to start doing a longer shift#when im already struggling doing two measly hours a week and nothing else like jfc#but that's cos im not on my adhd meds which make life yknow tolerable and im gonna try getting back on them next week#and i also don't wanna start anything else bc i wanna change my name first so it's not quite so complicated#hahaaa it's already complicated and confusing and frustrating as all hell#but ik if i can just be patient and take these few months to figure stuff out it'll be so much better in the long term#im getting support for the gender tm and I've made so much progress in a month#i still feel guilty and ashamed bc im not actively job hunting or doing more volunteering#and like im just making excuses to let my anxiety win when ik i can cope with it#but i can't handle going into another situation where im misgendered and uncomfortable with my name#im at the end of my tether with it and i need to figure it out#wahoo#mine#vent#in good news tho im pretty certain im a dude more sure about pronouns and have a potential name im thinking of!!
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gayemoji · 9 months ago
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jesus fucking christ.
#abt wilbur.#abuse#this is largely going to be my rambling immediate largely self centric thoughts so . yknow keep scrollin if you dont want that.#i have nothing meaningful to add to the conversation except watch shelbys vod.#at first i only saw wills tweet bc my brother told me about it#and i thought it was about his EX ex girlfriend or something so i brushed it off like 'oh okay damn a general misunderstanding'#then i searched tumblr saw shubble. found her vod . jesus christ.#hes always poked fun at himself being like 'yeah im shit and manipulative'#so theres always been a nagging. ick . in the back of my head. but never enough to actually. stop myself from liking his content/music.#so yeah. another lesson in 'no no red flags exist for a reaosn. listen to your instincts is a saying for a reason.'#all the love and support to shelby. her candidness & how obviously much she HAS been able to grow past THAT SHIT is genuinely inspirational#not that she needs to be inspirational etc. etc. its just good to know she'll be okay. shes in a good place. thank god.#all the stress for wilburs content friends. whether theyve been manipualteed whether theyve whatever i hope theyre . making good choices.#i say give them time. ik theres a lot of creators immediately coming out. therell be a lot who have to process this shit.#there'll be a lot whove. knowinigly / accidentally been complicit. theyre individuals treat them as such.#personally i just . have not cared about m a n y dsmp era mcyt for a W H I L E . so im happy to detach forever at thsi rate.#i havent been in the mcyt sphere for a hot fucking minute now. i hope youre all doing okay.#this shit hits weird. its okay to feel weird. if you want somewhere to vent my dms the replies on this post the tags are all free and open.#don't stew in it. you dont have to fear feeling selfish or self-centric or shifting the spotlight. you need to let that shit out.#thsis hit sucks !!!! a bunch of his/lvjy songs are comfort songs for me.#idk what the fuck to do about that. my immediate /want/ is to burn it. but thats easier said than done sometimes#if youre gonna 'separate the art from the artist' at least fucking pirate his music. youtube to mp3 that shit.#you can add local 'on your computer' files to spotify.#seperate art from the artist by seperating his monetary gain of YOUR consumption of it as much as possible. /AT LEAST/.#but also good luck separating his largely personal art from him.#im not tryna be condescending im in the same boat.#fucking white whine in a wetherspoons is no. 2 on my panic attacks playlist.#thats not his to take from me anymore. but ik if i listen to it ever again itll make my skin crawl.#ofc its not about me. its not about us the unaware fans. and im glad to know for sure now hes a REAL piece of shit.#m
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arolesbianism · 10 months ago
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So I may or may not have spent a good chunk of my day trying to learn how to look into onis code and while I may not have yet succeeded I will likely keep fucking around with shit tomorrow and if I manage to succeed it'll spell great doom for my sanity as oni becomes the interest I've officially poured the most effort into analyzing
#rat rambles#oni posting#for now I must sleep but hopefully tomorrow Ill figure out how to decompile files#the real question is going to be if Ill be able to do this on my shitty ass laptop or if Ill need to figure smth else out#I just want to be able to view stuff so ideally it won't make my laptop chug too bad but rly Im more worried abt space#I might have to try to do some cleanup and delete some shit maybe Ill go scan through the shit that came pre installed#and hey maybe if I can get this to work I can go mega hacker mode and tweak some stuff for funsies#probably wont since I don't wanna break my game and I dont trust myself but yknow#itd probably help if I actually retained any information from the Two programing classes I took when I was younger but alas#one of them was even specifically a video game programming class and lemme tell you I remember absolutely nothing#also from what little I was able to view without fancy applications I have no new info but I can finally fully put jean in the we 100% know#their last name zone cause while we definitely already 100% did Technically we only got jea- for first name confirmation#but theyre referred to as jean in a note in a bio bot story traits file ty whoever added the notes there#god I hope theres other notes in the files I want to read those so bad#btw this was all spurred by that one nails log that disappeared cause I have found a file that looks like it but I cant fully view it#and I desperately need to view it I need to view it#also if I can look in the code then in theory itll make copying down all the lore logs easier#also the datamining thread of the forums hasnt been particularly active so who knows maybe I can become a proper dataminer#(<- will not do that probably unless it turns out to be easier than I thought)#but admittedly I am interested in hunting for potential future update content even if I probably won't hunt too hard for it#again Im mostly just hunting for lore#hey maybe if Im lucky Ill find some genuinely new and usable information in that department#maybe the secrets of b363 and dr. holland lie in the files ooooo (they probably dont)#man it'd be nice if I had a proper pc itd make my life so much easier and my desk feel less enpty lol#in a world where I get to play videogames at a higher framerate than 10fps#I mean we do have some older computers laying around the house although theyre probably also crusty pieces of shit#idk maybe I can see if I can salvage one itd be nice to have a proper computer to fuck about with#Im sure my mom wouldn't mind as long as its one that hasnt been touched in years#which tbf I dont know how many options thatd leave me but we at least have one computer that could theoretically be usable#albiet its definitely packed with viruses from me and my siblings being dumb kids
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comfortstars · 10 months ago
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no actually. Can I be honest for a second. I know I said I wasn't gonna talk about it anymore but idgaf
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skrunksthatwunk · 11 months ago
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not to doomer post. but. american politics is like here's a conservative warmonger who wants to burn you alive personally and here's a different conservative warmonger who definitely wouldn't stop someone from burning you alive BUT who might raise the minimum wage by $0.30/hour for you, but only like eight years from now (so re-elect me please!! >w<). yes one of them has to be president they are the only two options we'll let you have. no neither of them will stop the government from killing you or anyone else, but at least one will say "it's kind of bad to kill people :( someone should really do something about that..." while giving the people-killers $20,000,000,000,000 to keep doing it then saying they can't afford to help you at all, but oh shucks, maybe next cycle, if you vote for me again! and also everyone will pretend as though they are extremely different political entities covering two highly polarized ends of the political spectrum despite nearly identical policy views obscured by their slightly different ways of addressing their target audiences, many of whom are also conservative warmongers. and also if you don't vote or vote third party the other guy will win and you will watch as they burn everyone you love alive in the same way they've burned so many strangers so you kind of feel like you have to vote for the other warmonger because even though they both have blood on their hands you'll take a handshake over an uppercut. even if you can still see the bodies piling up behind them. even if you can only save like five people you know and not the thousands of people who are dying in the other room. because you believe the difference between 30,000 and 30,005 is still worth it even though no one needed to die in the first place and no one seems to agree with you. you have to keep living in this world every day. if anything changes it will take decades and it will never be enough. if this takes a toll on you good fucking luck surviving off the generosity of the warmonger state that claims to serve you. happy voting!!
#like. yeah i'll take the raised minimum wage. i guess. but jesus christ#yes you are doing slightly good things sometimes almost. can you stop killing people though. please. that is a higher priority#like this is my first prezzy election season since i turned voting age right and like. what the fuck am i supposed to do now#what am i supposed to do with this. it took me 5 fucking months to pick a dead cockroach off my floor how am i supposed to fix this.#how am i meant to be a person and go on living while knowing i am doing nothing and cannot do anything and won't do anything#i need to fight i need to get up but i am stuck. im always stuck. i pray yknow. i don't know what else to do#how can people think about buying houses and getting promotions in this world. how are they not feeling likr their chest is caving in every#time they falter in their complex self-distraction. how am i supposed to do anything when all i can think about is helping and my body won't#let me. i cant do anything i cant but i have to but i cant. im supposed to and im a bad person if i dont and i cant live like that.#and if i am too upset about that i am punished for it by the people around me and ignored by those in power if not punished as well.#i love the world. i love people. you motherfuckers are killing everything and im not stopping you and you're getting in the way of me loving#the life i was built to love and i can't understand why you think it's even thinkable to do what you're doing. or what im doing.#i just want to look at clovers and paint and be good to my neighbors but you won't stop fucking murdering people in front of me#and i can't fucking do anything. i cant take care of the people i love i can't carry my own weight i can't take care of myself i can't move#and im supposed to fucking file taxes? to fund mass slaughter? on the off chance it might go to welfare or something. god.#i hate it here i hate it here america is a fucking nightmare it is hell i can't stand it but if i leave im just running and saving myself#whch is selfsh and cruel and so i would never be able to escape the feeling and i would always be in american hell because it' a part of me#but if i stay i cannot do anything because my body is filled with smoke and broken glass and im supposed to fucking get my drivers license#so i can buy groceries or get a job so i can keep myself on life support watching everything get worse and worse around me#and knowing that nothing has ever been good here and ive been lied to forever and im still being lied to#and i am in hell.#and me dying won't fix it and me living won't fix it ans both are too painful to even consider.#i am drowning i am drowning i am drowning i am drowning and my skin is on fire im on fire and i want to have children. but i can't imagine#doing that to someone. oh my god. and to raise them and watch them come to understand what this place ive brought them to is#that ive raised them in a slaughterhouse and to feebly try to show them the clovers and the ducks and the baby shoes and teach them to love#when maybe that love of the world is a distraction. or maybe i use it as one. i think of the blood as an obstacle to love and joy but maybe#i would not love the world so much if i was not so constantly desperately scared and ashamed of living in it#and i am a very lucky person. my life is cushy and i want to rip my skin off because what does that matter when it doesnt let me help people#god help me. but help the rest of them first. but i am helped first anyway and i hate it. i dont. i cant. god.#nyarla dni
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luvsavos · 11 months ago
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pain is temporary shara brainrot is eternal
#mar.txt#oc tag: shara#slowly working on a shara-centric fic.... it's going to have a lot of rambling things in parentheses bc of how they are#anyways i'm mostly joking when i call myself xyz thing's number one fan but also like. i am very much planning to save money to comm someone#for a giant plushie of them. and a figure/statue too if i'm able to comm someone for that#i can and will spend a ludicrous amount of money for merch of my faves especially when BOTH of them have little to Nothing#my dad says the plushie is a waste of money but like#it isn't to ME bc it'd make me happy and probably help me sleep and it would bring me comfort#is it not enough for something to do those things to make it have value? must it serve some other more 'important' purpose than simply#bringing me happiness?#i'm well aware that it'll be over $2000 (understandably! plushies are expensive to make by hand especially giant ones)#and i'm fine with that. i don't live on my own yet so i don't have bills to pay or anything so i figure i should treat myself with expensive#things i want while i'm still Able to#and i desperately want a plushie of shara. a shame i know nothing about plushie making so idk if what i'm envisioning is too complex or not#rather. i think it IS doable but idk if it's too complex for the person i'd like to comm to WANT to do it yknow#but tbh. i'll take whatever it is i'm able to get#anyways i got rambly in the tags again oops#i just think shara is neat and getting a giant plushie of them is a goal of mine
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amethyst-halo · 2 years ago
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i said this morning i wasn't as mad abt shadow but. i am like trying not to think abt it bc it just. genuinely i fucking hate it
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the-casbah-way · 1 year ago
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it sucks living in a city where there are no faggots and the only gay scene takes place exclusively at night in clubs because i just have to hold out for pride every year. that's the only time i get to dress how i want. it's the only time i get to be a sick little freak. it's the only time i get to be surrounded by gays. i spend every other day just feeling weird and sad and very much not at home in my own body and there's only one day a year where it doesn't entirely feel like that
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