#I instinctively leaned towards 'no' but I didn't figure out exactly why until today

[mc-critical]

I think Beyhan won't prompt Hatice to seek revenge precisely because she likens her to herself a bit too much*. She knows that Hatice is still grieving, that her wound is way fresh and very staunchly stresses the fact that she needs all possible support she could be given in such a moment. To Beyhan, it's like Hatice isn't even in the state to act on her feelings, because the pain and helplessness are just this big, or at least shouldn't be in that state, because "she has responsibilities", "she has to endure" (E83). She can only dwell on everything and try to process it, rely on "time" to help her heal and take solace in her children just like Beyhan herself has. I feel the reason why Beyhan so firmly insisted for Şah to act before something else happens, before "the dynasty gets destroyed" is not just because she herself can't, but also because in Beyhan's eyes, Şah is the only one who can. If it's about the welfare of the dynasty, Şah is the one who should maintain order, as she is the person who positions herself as unaffected and capable and the rest are away in mourning, 'too lead by their emotions'. If it's about vengeance, Şah is the one who should pursue it for all of their sakes. And as to why she may can't, why she holds back, why she waits, Beyhan can think of one single motive: her sister is afraid to face Hürrem in order not to lose too and, in a more metaphorical sense, afraid to face the cumulative source of hurt itself (that includes his majesty), leaning on her own 'selfish' comfort instead. Just like Beyhan.

*after what happened to Ibrahim, as she understandably couldn't before, no matter how hard Hatice tried to empathize.

[latte-fairytaekwoon]

𝑵𝒐𝒗𝒆𝒎𝒃𝒆𝒓 𝑹𝒂𝒊𝒏 (𝑺𝒐𝒏𝒈 𝑴𝒊𝒏𝒈𝒊) 𝑹𝒂𝒕𝒆𝒅

𝐏𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠: 𝐒𝐨𝐧𝐠 𝐌𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐢 (𝐀𝐭𝐞𝐞𝐳)× 𝐑𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫 (𝐅𝐞𝐦𝐚𝐥𝐞)

𝐆𝐞𝐧𝐫𝐞: 𝐀𝐧𝐠𝐬𝐭, 𝐅𝐥𝐮𝐟𝐟, 𝐒𝐦𝐮𝐭.

𝐖𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐂𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭: 5.4K

𝐒𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: 𝐇𝐞 𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐥 𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐠𝐫𝐨𝐰𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐜𝐨𝐥𝐝𝐞𝐫, 𝐲𝐞𝐭 𝐡𝐞'𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐲 𝐭𝐨 𝐥𝐞𝐭 𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐠𝐨. 𝐇𝐞 𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐰𝐬 𝐬𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐬 𝐡𝐢𝐦, 𝐬𝐡𝐞 𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐧𝐞𝐞𝐝𝐬 𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐞 𝐚𝐥𝐨𝐧𝐞. 𝐈𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐦𝐞𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐞, 𝐡𝐞'𝐥𝐥 𝐰𝐚𝐢𝐭 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐭𝐨 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐞 𝐛𝐚𝐜𝐤 𝐭𝐨 𝐡𝐢𝐦.

𝐖𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: 𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐯𝐲 𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐬𝐭𝐲 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐦𝐞𝐬, 𝐛𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐤𝐮𝐩𝐬, 𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐮𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 𝐭𝐨 𝐢𝐧𝐟𝐢𝐝𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐲 (𝐰𝐡𝐢𝐜𝐡 𝐈 𝐝𝐨𝐧'𝐭 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐝𝐨𝐧𝐞), 𝐬𝐞𝐱𝐮𝐚𝐥 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐭, 𝐞𝐦𝐨𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐥 𝐬𝐮𝐩𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧, 𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐝𝐞𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧, 𝐬𝐞𝐦𝐢- 𝐮𝐧𝐫𝐞𝐪𝐮𝐢𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐦𝐮𝐭𝐮𝐚𝐥 𝐩𝐢𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠.

𝐈𝐧𝐬𝐩𝐢𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧: 𝐍𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐦𝐛𝐞𝐫 𝐑𝐚𝐢𝐧- 𝐆𝐮𝐧𝐬 𝐍' 𝐑𝐨𝐬𝐞𝐬/ 𝐅𝐚𝐢𝐭𝐡𝐟𝐮𝐥𝐥𝐲- 𝐉𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐧𝐞𝐲

𝐓𝐚𝐠𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭: @little-precious-baby @yunhoiseyecandy @yunhofingers @brie02 @deja-vux @rvse-miingi @multidreams-and-desires @galaxteez

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Waving enthusiastically at the crowd cheering loudly at the end of their performance, Mingi's eyes were scanning each and every one of the sections in the auditorium. To anyone it would seem as though he was making sure to shine his beautiful and radiant smile to all the adoring fans that came to watch and support him and his members, and yes that was partly why. But it wasn't just that. He had hope as he scanned every face in there. Hope of once again seeing her again. He could hear his own heartbeat pump against his ears, the sound drowning out all the chanting coming from the thousands of fans gathered in there.

Sensing what was going on, one of his members couldn't help but let out a sigh. Leaning in close enough so he could hear him, he whispered in his ear.

"She's not here Mingi."

He expected such words from his best friend, who although with good intentions, seemed to try to ground him back down to earth and inadvertently crush his hopes. But he never took it personally. He knew Yunho was only trying to look out for him and spare him more heartache. Nudging him slightly, the equally tall male swung an arm around Mingi's broad shoulders, plastering on a smile out to the crowd once more as he led them backstage as slowly the members started to walk off the stage as scheduled. Accepting that the night was over, Mingi pulled his face away from the crowd and began walking away. He would have ultimately called it another uneventful concert that ended the same way and just go back to change into his normal clothes and then join the rest of the group back at the hotel to lounge and rest.

But he felt a something strange, pulling and beckoning him to look back at the scatter of people behind him once more. Slowly, he tried his head, unsure of where to look exactly, eyes wandering around aimlessly. Until they spotted what he believed to be a familiar red scarf wrapped around a person's neck, effectively covering up the bottom half of their face while their head had a matching beret that covered their forehead entirely. Although he couldn't see much other than their body frame, he felt his heart swell up, legs unable to move as he stared at the figure. Yunho stopped when he felt Mingi no longer walking behind him. Walking back to him, he put on a smile so as to not act suspicious and began pulling him away.

"Mingi..we have to go."

But Mingi stayed grounded, still scanning the figure he had locked his eyes on. The person began walking away, almost as if they didn't even acknowledge him.

"Wait hold on-"

Just as he was about to run off the stage and follow them, Yunho harshly tugged on his arm and fiercely guided him backstage, waving out towards the people still watching them so as to not arouse suspicion or have them think something was wrong.

"Mingi, it's not her. You always swear it is but it's not."

Yunho didn't mean to sound so aggressive towards his long life friend, but he cared about him too much and didn't want him getting false illusions that would only end up in him getting more hurt than what he already was.

"I know but it's different! Yunho she was wearing the scarf I gave her. I know it was it!" He insisted, anxiously looking towards the door, debating whether or not he could make a dash and catch up to the individual.

Shaking his head, Yunho placed his hands on top of his friend's shoulders.

"Mingi.....there's a million red scarfs out there. And you were too far away. Honestly I think....."

He hesitated before speaking his next words, knowing how sensitive Mingi got with the topic.

"Forget about her."

As if on instinct, Mingi shook his head.

"No! I can't. I promised I'd wait for her and I'm not breaking my word. I'll stay faithful to it until she comes back."

"But what if she doesn't?! It's been over two years Mingi! Face the facts. She's not coming back. Y/N never loved-"

"Don't say that! She did- she does love me! I know she does!"

Yunho took a step back. Seeing Mingi become so agitated and frustrated like that truly terrified him. It was always dangerous to have him get mad or overly worked up. Sensing that he probably startled his friend a little too much, Mingi ran a hand over his dyed blonde hair, a despondent sigh coming out his mouth.

"Hey Yunho I'm sorry..... I think.... I need some air."

After changing into his normal clothes, Mingi didn't get in the van like most of the other guys who just wanted to go relax back at the hotel, nor did he follow Wooyoung or Hongjoong to go check out some of the nearby stores. He simply walked in the opposite direction, mindlessly strolling the streets of the unfamiliar city he was currently in. The slight rumbling of the skies and the subtle scent of dew signaled that it was more than likely going to start pouring rain soon. Even though he was wearing one of his long trenchcoat, the slight breeze that blew across sent tiny chills down his spine, nearly making his teeth chatter.

As if it were a beacon, Mingi stumbled across a small and cozy looking coffee shop. Making sure it was still open, he cheerfully greeted the sweet looking old woman behind the counter, who seemed to brighten up at seeing such a handsome young lad at such an hour. Very calmly and politely, he ordered just a simple caramel cappuccino, which the owner was delighted to whip up for him. Just as he took out his wallet to pay, he had a weird inkling feeling for some reason.

"Uh..... do you perhaps sell hot cocoa?" He inquired nervously.

After getting confirmation that they indeed made hot chocolate, Mingi asked if there was any possible way they could add peppermint to it. He could already feel the judgmental stare about to be given to him as most baristas did with such an unpopular request. Although she seemed surprised by the special addition of peppermint, she didn't hesitate to assure him she'd definitely make it as he liked. Mingi felt so grateful to the kind lady, making sure to leave her a generous tip before taking both of his drinks and going back outside.

Spotting a nearby gazebo, Mingi went over and sat down on one of the benches that were placed underneath the roof of it. Setting the hot mint chocolate down next to him, he sipped his cappuccino slowly, being careful not to burn his tongue on the scorching hot liquid. It had the perfect amount of foam in it, with not too much caramel added in it so the strong espresso could still be made out. Wiping off some of the froth that accidentally got on the tip of his nose, he peered down at the untouched drink next to him. Chuckling dryly to himself, he picked up the cup and scanned it with deep curiosity.

"You always were so different and unique." He mused to himself.

Putting it back down, he began to think it was absolutely silly to have bought it just because of some momentary whim he felt back in the coffee shop.

Or was it nostalgia?

Mingi began to believe it was the latter, especially considering what month it was. After all, it was during this exact same time 2 years ago, on a cold and gloomy November where everything started...

Or perhaps ended?

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Exhausted panting came from all 8 of the sweaty bodies of the males in the room, about half of them were already reaching for their water bottles to gulp down the contents before proceeding to try catching their breath once more. The strict yet kind eyes watching them announced they would be taking a break before saying they'd be rehearsing for another hour or two. Simultaneous groans and protests were elicited by the members, who were already tired from thinking about burning a few more calories with their intense dance sessions.

"Looks like I'm missing the new episode of aot." San dramatically layed on the floor, arms sprawled out.

"I'm calling first dibs on the shower when we get back." Seonghwa declared, not afraid of using his status as the oldest member if it meant getting himself cleaned.

"Aww Hyung! You take showers that are way too long! You'll finish all the hot water like last time." Woow already began nagging, which in turn started another argument between his both of them, with San and Yunho joining in to offer backup if necessary.

Ignoring their pointless bantering, Mingi took the time to call up his girlfriend to let her know. It took quite some time for her to pick up his call, it had actually become a rather recent and constant habit of hers, contrary to before when she'd immediately answer on the second ring.

"What?" Her voice sounded somewhat annoyed and tired, which Mingi guessed had something to do with her work.

"Hey baby, looks like I'm going to be staying late at the company for practice. I'm sorry, I really wanted to spend time with you, but I'm not sure it's possible." He could feel his heart pounding as he began imagining her disappointed and disheartened look.

As expected, he heard her sigh through the other end, a brief pause where he only heard her breathing before she finally spoke up.

"That's fine. I'm going to be pulling extra hours today anyways so....don't be sorry. Maybe it works out in the end."

Mingi noticed how dry and monotone she sounded, as if it didn't really bother her that this would yet be another week where they hardly spoke and spent time together for more than 10 minutes.

"Oh ok....take care then, and remember to eat a snack in between hours ok? I don't want you starving yourself ok baby?"

The girl on the other end of the line didn't need to see him to know he was more than likely pouting at her as usual, always fussing to her about her health.

"Ok. Take care Mingi."

"Y/N!.............."

He bit his lip before saying the next words.

"I- I love you." Although he forced a smile on his face, his voice trembled with fear at saying that.

"I....I know. I gotta go."

Once more, she hung up without repeating those same words back to him. Mingi didn't understand why his girlfriend of forever seemed to be acting strange. Lately she hardly had anything to say, she looked less and less animated each time they video chatted, the dark circles under her eyes were becoming more prominent and judging by the way her cheeks looked a little sunken and clothes looked baggy on her, he fussed she was not eating properly.

But the thing that scared Mingi the most was seeing her soulless eyes. Those eyes that once held the entire stars in them, were now empty and completely void of any emotion. She never initiated any form of physical contact with him, it was always him pulling her into an embrace or placing a kiss on her head, nose or lips, and even when she reciprocated them, they were always cold and almost robotic.

It was starting to terrify him.

"Mingi!"

He nearly dropped his phone when the tiny leader called out to him.

"Break time is over. We gotta start again."

Putting his phone back in his bag he promised himself that even if he left at early dawn, he would go over and see his lover. He just had to.

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Letting out a long and exasperated sigh, Y/N kicked off her heels and left them on the front of the door, her toes aching after all the grueling and arduous hours of both sitting and running up and down floors. Her once neat bun now had various hairs poking out from several places and was now drooping lower than in the morning. She slumped her tired body over to her bedroom, ready to just indulge in a warm shower and then head to bed. But the last thing she expected to see when she turned on the light, was none other than her boyfriend.

"Hey." He waved his hand at her, a soft smile on his lips.

She was momentarily confused with his presence.

"I thought you had practice." She raised an eyebrow, her tone sounding more accusatory than with delight.

"I did...but then I came over here." He explained.

"Why?"

Mingi blinked at her question, stunned that she would even ask why. Getting up from the bed, he slowly walked over to her cautiously. Once he was right in front of her, he reached a hand out to caress her cheek.

"Why? I naturally wanted to see you.....hear you...touch you."

Arms wrapping around her waist, he lowered his face until he pressed a soft kiss to her mildly chapped lips. Although he felt her give in after a while, he could feel that her heart was not in it. Every brush of her lips felt extremely languid and emotionless, even after he had turned a little more desperate and began to trail messy kisses across her jaw, her hands did not move away from her sides, her head only tilting to allow him more access to her skin. Before he could move to pull off her shirt, she stopped him by gripping his wrists.

"If you don't mind I'd like to clean myself off first."

Not even giving him a chance to say anything, she pushed past him and made a beeline to the bathroom. Shutting the door behind her, she leaned her back on it, staring into the floor for a few minutes in a somewhat catatonic state. Taking a deep breath, she slowly removed each one of the articles of clothing on her body, all of them feeling like a heavy weight on her. Ripping the scrunchie off her hair, she tossed it onto the floor so it could join the pile that had already been made in a corner. Sliding the glass door open, she got inside the shower and quickly turned on the water, first the splashes coming out at an almost freezing temperature, which although her body shivered at, she did not shrink away from. Then the water finally adjusted to a more warm temperature, not too hot but warm enough to soothe her sore muscles.

Closing her eyes, she decided to simply bask in the warmth of the water coating her body, shutting off her mind from all the spiraling thoughts that had been clouding her mind for the past weeks, refusing to go away and seemingly taunting her at every hour when she least expected it. She hurt, she was in pain yet there were no physical evidence of it. She could barely eat more than 2 bites of any meal she intook because it suddenly felt too full. At nights, her eyes drooped heavy with sleep, yet her restless mind wouldn't allow her even one full hour of sweet slumber though that's all she wanted.....

She just wanted to fall asleep and hopefully never wake up so as to not feel the pain and emptiness she felt.

So lost was she in the moment that she failed to hear or notice the one individual coming in to join her until she felt familiar hands come to wrap themselves around her waist.

"It's all right love. It's just me." Mingi softly whispered when she gasped lightly at the sudden touch.

Letting her relax under his touch before doing anything else, Mingi's fingers slowly began drawing circles around her hips as he kept his face buried in her neck. Inhaling deeply, he could make out her unique scent that his senses had committed to memory, but could also faintly discern a somewhat different odor that he had never before detected on her before. It was slightly off-putting to him, but he opted for brushing it off. After all, she worked with several people at her job.

Slowly, he began peppering kisses along her shoulder, which seemed to trigger deep and blissful sighs to exude from her nose. His hands moved up to cup around her breasts, kneading at her soft skin while the thumbs grazed over her sensitive nubs in a careful motion. Soft moans poured out from her mouth. Tilting her head back, she reached a hand up to bring her lover's face to hers so she could kiss him. Her moans were now being eaten up by his mouth and tongue as his fingers stroked between her legs, probing at her folds and rubbing at her clit. Pulling apart to catch her breath, Y/N looked up at Mingi with longing and desperation.

"Please....more." She begged at him.

Prying her folds open, he carefully inserted two of his slender and long fingers inside her, her walls practically sucking him in. She felt so tight around him, her walls hugging and clenching all around his fingers. Y/N threw her head back against his shoulder as she began grinding against his hand, savoring as she was finally feeling something, anything in a long time. Her hand had moved to pet at his head, her fingers brushing away his now damp hair in gentle caresses. Wanting to see, feel him more, she removed his hand away from her mound and firmly pressed him towards one of the walls, where she then began to kiss him hungrily and in subtle anguish.

Mingi just allowed her to take control for that moment, his heart lightening up at finally getting some reaction from her. He let her take a hold of his erect cock and pump him slowly as her mouth sucked on several patches of skin on his neck to leave tiny blotches across it. He missed this, he missed being intimate with her and missed having her touch him, not to fulfill any sexual yearning, but to be close to her. He always saw these tender and passionate moments as a display of their love and bond.

Soon the water had been turned off and both of their dripping bodies were fumbling out and landing on top of the bed. Mingi hissed softly as he watched his beautiful girlfriend sink down and his length.

"Fuck. It's been too long."

Sitting up, he wrapped his arms around her, wanting to be as close as possible as he began to roll his hips up. Wanting to take his time, Mingi took one of her supple breasts and stuffed it in his mouth, giving it various light suckles and then adding a few kisses onto it. Y/N began panting and moaning uncontrollably, so many emotions rushing through her all at once. It seemed as if all that time of not feeling anything had left her somewhat numb to emotions that now she was beginning to feel overwhelmed by all the ones that were hitting her now:

Love, lust, passion, anger, fury, agony, guilt, one by one they all crashed into her head and heart. It was becoming too much for her and it began to scare her somewhat. But she didn't want them to stop, she wanted to cling onto those emotions just a little longer, no matter what or how. She hadn't even realized her hands had placed themselves on Mingi's broad shoulders, holding her steady as she began to bounce herself on top of him, slow tears trickling down her cheeks as muffled cries of desperation were being choked back and bitten back by her lips. Her fear of not feeling anymore soon turned to rage, and it was manifesting itself as she fucked herself on her boyfriend, who by now had noticed the change in her mood.

Mingi tried to grip her hips down, but she didn't seem to care and tried to push his hands away. His calling out to her fell upon deaf ears as she swatted his hands, tat were trying to steady her, away. Finally, he firmly held her wrists and kept her from moving as he forced her to look at him.

"Y/N!" He sharply exclaimed, breaking her out of her trance.

Feeling her body starting to shake, Y/N looked away in shame, her eyes threatening to spill out more tears.

"Baby, look at me, what's wrong?" Mingi gently cupped her chin.

Not meaning to be so mean, but Y/N brushed his hand away and began to climb off him.

"I'm sorry.... I'm so sorry."

Getting up, she ransacked her drawer and pulled out some clothes and dressed herself in an inhumane speed.

"Honey, we can talk about it-" Mingi tried to touch her once more but she pulled away once more.

"I don't want to talk about it! Please! I just want to go to bed."

Marching over to the closet, she grabbed some spare pillows and a blanket.

"I'm sleeping on the couch." She firmly stated, not about to let herself be dissuaded from her resolution.

"Y/N, please don't do this. Stop shutting me out."

With one final attempt, Mingi grabbed her shoulder and turned her arousal to face him, eyes intently searching and scanning every inch of her face for a clue as to what was bothering her.

"Talk to me love, you know you can."

Y/N opened her mouth, about to spill what was on her heart, but ultimately decided against it.

"I can't.....I'm sorry. Just please....let me be for now."

Mingi's hands fell to his sides in defeat as he watched the most important person in his life leave him there, alone. He hated this, hated having her become so distant from him. He could feel it in his heart that sooner or later she was going to snap and hurt his heart, probably more than what he was imagining.

But he was ready for that moment.

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Having gotten absolutely no sleep that night, Y/N ended up getting up just hours before the sun was supposed to rise. Making sure to make as little noise as possible, she made sure to bundle up since it was chilly outside. She looked over at the peaceful and sleeping figure of her boyfriend, who was softly letting out subtle snores as his hands clutched around a pillow, holding onto it as if his life depended on it. He could never fully call asleep unless he was holding something, that something always being her. She could make out a faint wet patch on his pillow where his cheek rested, tell tale sign that he had been crying the night before, just as she had done.

With a kiss to his forehead, she left the house and headed out, her destination still unclear. She just walked wherever her legs led her to, whether conscious or unconsciously. There was hardly a soul around to keep her company on that lonely and cold morning walk in the autumn breeze. Her teeth were chattering inside her mouth whenever a rather blunt force of air swooped past her, making her lick her lips as she felt them drying up even more.

Without realizing it she had come across a small and serene park, a trail specifically used for early joggers right in front of her. Following the trail, she kept her head down as she slowly strolled through the immense trees surrounding her. The golden and garnet hued leaves were scattered about all around the semi dead grass, some of it blowing through the air. She paid no attention to them though, she paid no attention at all to her surroundings. She couldn't feel anything anyways, even the cold air was becoming numb to her at this point.

"Mind if I join you?"

She halted in her steps when a low voice spoke from behind her. She didn't need to see him to know who he was.

"How'd you know I was here?" She questioned him without turning around still.

"Lucky guess."

Moving in front of her, Mingi's tall figure loomed over hers, studying her mood which right now seemed apathetic and melancholic. Standing there all quiet for a brief moment, Mingi was the one who decided to break the ice.

"I love you, you know that right?"

Without even batting an eye, Y/N slowly nodded. Expecting that reaction, Mingi chuckled dryly.

"You know it's been a while since I've heard you respond at all to me saying that...."

Once more, she had no expression on her face, hardly even blinking as she stared right through him, almost as if he wasn't there. But she was listening to him, and he knew it too. Brushing some hair behind her ear, Mingi let out a deep sigh.

"Y/N...... I know you're not ok. I don't know how or what it is you're feeling, but I want you to know that I'm here for you. Maybe you should go see a therapist, a doctor, I don't know. We'll find out what's wrong so you-"

"Mingi I don't know what I feel for you anymore."

He felt as if a knife had been plunged at his chest. Although he expected her to say something that would hurt him, he still wasn't fully ready to hear those words.

"Just 2 months ago you said and thought differently. Back then you always told me you loved me and cherished me." He kindly reminded her.

"Maybe feelings change." She bluntly stated.

"Yes they do which is why I don't believe you when you say you don't feel anything for me anymore. I know my Y/N, I know the girl I fell in love with and I know that these past weeks, seeing how you're acting.......that's not you."

She didn't move away when he cupped her cheeks.

"I know you still love me, I can see it in your eyes. Your love is just restrained right now. Just give it time. Trust me."

Choking back tears, Y/N finally made eye contact with him.

"Just end it Mingi. I don't have the heart to do it, so please just end things with me. Don't hold onto me anymore. Move on with your life and find someone who can love you like you deserve to be loved."

Mingi immediately shook his head, that being an option he was not accepting.

"Baby, do you need some time on your own? Some time alone? I can give you that. Maybe that way it'll be good for you to use that time to get help and-"

"Mingi I cheated on you." She confessed.

His body stood frozen in place at her admittance, yet he was not shocked at all. The weird scent he detected on her and the way she sometimes recoiled from his touch as if guilt ate her alive, he always had that thought on the back of his head.

"So you fell in love with someone else?"

Y/N let out a sob.

"No.......absolutely not. It meant nothing and I just did it because I wanted to feel something, anything and he was right there. But that's no excuse and I'm sorry Mingi. I'm sorry I'm not the girlfriend you deserve. You deserve so much better than me. Someone who's not broken, foolish and dead already. So please..."

Her hands came up to hide her face as she began crying like she hadn't done in a long time.

"Just forget about me....."

Even if she didn't want it, Mingi embraced her, holding her tightly as she tearfully spilled her heart and emotions out. His heart ached for her. She was suffering, emotionally and mentally she was in pain and she didn't even want to admit it. He couldn't force her to get help, but he couldn't just leave her like that. It would tear him apart if he did. Stroking her hair, he waited until her sobbing and hyperventilating had calmed down before saying anything.

"Y/N.....you need some time alone. We....need some time alone. And I'm willing to give you as much time as you need to heal. But you have to promise me that you'll get help. It's not fair for you to keep living this way. You deserve to be happy."

Pulling back, he used his thumbs to brush away some of the tears off her cheeks.

"But this doesn't mean I'm ending things nor forgetting about you. This is only a break until you're all better and ready to come back to me."

Y/N stared at him in disbelief.

"Song Mingi, you're an even bigger idiot than I thought you were."

He giggled softly at that.

"I'm an idiot who loves you and will always love you. And this idiot knows you still love me, even if your brain refuses to let you believe it now."

Pressing his forehead against hers, he shut his eyes to keep himself from crying.

"I'll be waiting for you until you come back to me....."

Taking off the red scarf that was hanging on his neck, he wrapped it around her neck and softly padded it on.

I know you'll be back."

◈◈◈⊰──────⊱◈◈◈⊰──────⊱◈◈◈

He left her with a final kiss on her lips and watched her walk away, disappearing from his life for about 2 years. Rain had begun to fall then just as it was falling in that moment. Picking up the untouched peppermint hot chocolate and discarding his cappuccino on a nearby trash bin, Mingi stepped out of the gazebo and began walking back to the hotel, not caring about getting soaked in the pouring rain. Perhaps it could help to mask the tears that were beginning to spill out from his eyes. He had never felt his longing for the person he still regarded as his soulmate so dearly as he felt right then and there. He felt as if his oxygen was being caught off, his hope was beginning to dwindle, all the words his friends would often say to him were revolving around his head.

Were they right? Should he stop waiting for her? Was he wrong? Should he just move on?

He was startled out of his thoughts when he heard someone open an umbrella behind him, the person hovering it over him so the rain wouldn't hit him anymore. He felt his heart beating harshly against his chest, some overpowering sensation telling him to turn around, which he slowly began to do. The first thing his eyes caught was the familiar red scarf tied to the person's neck. He recognized it immediately. And when he looked up at the face that was looking back at him, he no longer had any doubts left.

"Y/N...." He whispered out.

Through tears in her eyes, she smiled at him, not a fake nor cold one, but a genuine and heart warming smile, just like the one she had plastered on her face when they first met each other.

"Hey Mingi. How are you?" She asked.

"I...I'm fine. ....how are you?" They both knew what he was referring to.

"I'm a lot better actually. Taking medication still sucks but I'm a lot better and happier now. My therapist has been working with me all this time so...yeah.." She seemed a little awkward talking about it, but Mingi wasn't going to push her.

"I'm glad, I truly am happy for you."

Looking back at the cup in his hand, he held it out to her.

"It's probably not hot anymore, but it's your favorite."

Y/N was surprised that he even had or remembered what her favorite was. Taking a small sip, she couldn't help the tiny grin spreading on her cheeks.

"It's perfect. I never liked it super hot either way."

They both chuckled at that known fact between them. Soon there was another silence between them, and once again it was Mingi who broke it. Brushing some hair away from her face, he stared into her eyes.

"I love you."

Looking up at him, her eyes no longer void nor cold, but instead full of life and love, Y/N answered back.

"I love you too."

Unable to hold himself back, Mingi held her tightly, overwhelmed with emotions as he finally held the love of his life in his arms once more.

"I knew you'd come back to me...."

◈◈◈⊰──────⊱◈◈◈⊰──────⊱◈◈◈

[suganovakawa]

𝐒𝐀𝐔𝐃𝐀𝐃𝐄 .

PAIRINGS : tooru oikawa x fem! reader

GENRE : angst , romance

WARNINGS : bits of cursing here and there

SYNOPSIS : tooru doesn’t understand how special you are to him until he comes close to losing you forever . as he struggles to comes to grips with his feelings and balance it with his future , you still have to recover from your own injuries , but without your memories to assist you .

𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐓 𝐎𝐍𝐄 < [ 𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐓 𝐓𝐖𝐎 ] > 𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐓 𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐄𝐄 .

the playoffs are soon ; why is it so hard to please tooru ?

word count : 1.4k

saudade masterlist.

SAUDADE

( 𝐧 . ) a nostalgic longing to be near again to something or someone that is distant , or that has been loved and then lost ; “ the love that remains ”

⠀just how many girls has he waved at today? you huffed to yourself as tooru continuously paid attention to girl after girl, giving them a soft smile and wishing them a good day as they stood by, simply waiting for their presence. you could've stood around for a tissue for some of them, they looked like they were about to start drooling at any given moment.

⠀jealousy travelled through your body, as shameful as it was to admit. oikawa was walking next to you, but that was as far as interaction was between the two of you. he hardly even looked down in your direction, mindlessly giving his fans the attention they craved. iwaizumi was right, it was hard to tell if you and the popular third year were dating or not. you shook the thought away subtly, just a shake of your head, rendering such worries as selfish.

⠀after all, you knew exactly what you were getting into when you confessed your feelings to tooru.

⠀it just would've been nice if he tried harder to give you some attention too, you know?

⠀your gut could tell oikawa kept a minor grudge from the other night, when you and iwaizumi just about dragged him out of the place. you apologized to him - multiple times, actually - and he even said he was fine, that your care for him was completely understable. hell, he even solidified it with a kiss to your forehead.

⠀so why did it feel like there was a wall separating you from him?

⠀you opened your mouth to say something to him as you and him approached your lunch table, but stopped abruptly when approaching the others. the volleyball team ate together, but today was a special occasion: tooru had some last minute things to discuss with the rest of the team regarding the upcoming playoffs.

⠀their main focus was to just get through the other teams in the way, then to give it their all against shiratorizawa. on multiple occasions seijoh kept a steady lead against that all-star team, only to be thwarted by that damn ushiwaka. watching shiratorizawa steal the victory from aoba johsai's hands was infuriating to say the least, and having to repeat the process over and over again was just insanity.

⠀you were just the manager, so there wasn't much you could do to contribute to their discussion. volleyball wasn't your forte. but for the sake of the others, you tagged along alongside tooru so you could at least listen to the conversation. it wasn't like you could sit anywhere else, anyway. most of the girls slowly began to shun you when you began to date the brunette.

⠀hanamaki was the first to acknowledge your guys' presence, signaling for the others to pull your seats out so the two of you could sit down. tooru, surprisingly, let you sit down first, placing a hand on your back as you slid down into your chair. he soon followed with his own, his hands folded and perched on the table. he waited for the other guys to stop and pay attention, that same scheming glint in his eyes he always has before and during a game.

⠀"this is our last chance this year to win against shiratorizawa." you could see tooru's fists clench at the name itself, tension rising by the second. "we have to do something to guarantee a win. altogether have the potential to beat ushiwaka, it's just a matter of putting such actions into motion to prove it." he looked to hajime, sat in between kindaichi and matsukawa. "any ideas, iwa?"

⠀"me?" the ace shot tooru a confused glance, an eyebrow cocked upwards as he watched the captain lean back in his chair. "why would you want to hear something from me?"

⠀"well, you and him are both aces. i figure if you think hard enough, there's something you could give us that could give us a shot against ushiwaka." he then laughed. "or is your brain not big enough to come up with such thoughts, dear iwa-chan?"

⠀you pressed your lips together as you watched the spiky-haired male visibly show his irritation towards the setter. the others hadn't bothered to say anything, either too busy eating or just caught up with the tension. maybe even a little bit of both. since there was nothing you could do, you tried to mainly focus on your own lunch, but the discussion was becoming too interesting to ignore.

⠀"what even is there to know about ushijima?" iwaizumi placed a hand on the back of his own neck, letting out a sigh as he shrugged lightly. "he's a crazy powerful guy, if that wasn't obvious enough. the main problem is stopping his hits, nothing technical. if we strengthen our defenses we may just have a better shot at beating shiratorizawa. we know they rely on him to rack up the points when they're in a pinch; and he damn well delivers."

⠀tooru clenched his jaw when hajime finished speaking, the gears spinning in his brain as he tried to figure out a way to better their chances. what the ace said was far from incorrect. the playoffs were in two days; it wasn't like they could practice enough in such a short time to surpass the defense levels of date tech, but it was worth a shot, wasn't it?

⠀"you're too focused on shiratorizawa, oikawa." issei crossed his arms, earning a head whip from the captain. "don't invest all of your time on that school, just because you have a score to settle with one of the players. there are other schools, too."

⠀"like what?" oikawa scoffed at his comment, waving it off with his hand. "we've not had any trouble with other teams, so i'm not concerned about them. it's shiratorizawa that-"

⠀"karasuno put up a pretty good fight the last time you guys played them, you know."

⠀your mouth opened before you could even process what you were going to say, and before you could stop yourself, your voice had already laid itself out on the table. your mouth shut up completely as tooru turned his attention to you, his eyes growing agitated that you even mentioned that school.

⠀"karasuno? karasuno?" he spat out, his head fully facing in your direction as his sharp brown eyes narrowed, almost intimidatingly. "don't make me laugh. what they pulled the last time we played them was nothing but a fluke. their strongest weapon is that quick attack that tobio and shrimpy have. and from what happened last game," he sneered, "they won't be much of a problem."

⠀"but they're practicing too, tooru." you've heard of karasuno before, the wingless crows. from what you witnessed at the interhighs, however, their current team could not be referred to such a title anymore. their first years were a force to be reckoned with - even an idiot could see that. "obviously they're not going to be better than our team, but it doesn't hurt to be wary of them, right?"

⠀"y/n." tooru was clearly getting annoyed with you, but you ignored that dropping feeling in your stomach. "we know karasuno has tricks up their sleeve, but it's nothing we can't handle. they have their strengths, and we have ours. it just so happens that our strengths are more superior to theirs." he poked your nose with his index finger before continuing. "believe me, my darling, they are not a threat. they can only pull so many tricks up their sleeve, and all we have to do is stuff each of them, one by one."

⠀the first and second years appeared mildly concerned as oikawa lectured you for your measly suggestion, yahaba and watari giving each other side glances. mattsun and makki were sharing the same looks, but they didn't dare interrupt the captain, for fear that they, too, would get the same treatment.

⠀there was no winning against tooru.

⠀"sorry, tooru." you muttered, looking down at your lap, giving up whatever reason left.

⠀you felt an arm wrap around your shoulders, looking up slightly as your boyfriend pulled you closer to his chest, giving you a side hug - since both of you were still sitting in chairs. he didn't look happy, but his irritation had lessened. "just leave the volleyball stuff to me, y/n. alright? just be our cute little manager, and we'll go from there."

⠀"sure, tooru." even with the lack of enthusiasm, your head instinctively rested against his chest, taking a deep breath and quietly listening to his heartbeat. your ears blocked out whatever tooru said to the others after that, since you surely didn't have a reason to listen in.

⠀still, that sinking feeling in your stomach refused to go away.

[writersperpetualblock]

Breakfasts in a broken home.

A/N; Cuz I’ve got a major crush on older men. This was originally written as a Jeffrey Dean Morgan × Reader thing but halfway through I changed my mind to my very neglected baby Chris Evans of whom I never write anything. So here is.

Summary; How much can a broken marriage hold when there is nothing left to hold on to? You can try to ignore it, you can try to run from it. But the truth will always catch up to you.

Warnings: Sensitive topics such as depression, malnutrition and divorce.

••••••○

Reader PoV.

Waking up was hard, the air felt chilly even when the sun was already high up in the sky. A soft sigh escaped me as I turn around, half expecting my husband to be lay sleeping by my side. Half expecting him to be on the other side of the country, working.

Not surprisingly enough I find the second one to be the truth. Neither confusion nor disappointment drowned me anymore, now it felt more like a huge wave of empty crashed inside me. Just last night he had gone to sleep on this bed, craddling me in his arms, even after our heated fight. I closed my eyes, and without warning a tear escapes me. I knew what I was getting into when I married him, I knew he'd always be trapped in tons of work and have important things to take care of all the time. It was just sad that I wasn't one of those things anymore.

I could not gather the strength to get out of bed. I simply couldn’t. Not today. Not without my Chris.

Someone slowly knocked on the door. I was quick to wipe the tears from my eyes, hoping anyone would come through the door but my son.

“Come in” A skinny girl pushes the door open and enters the room head down. I was never a fan of having maids, but Chris insisted he wanted to give me the best care whenever he was away. And after a while of what would have been very lonely weeks at a time, I came to appreciate their company.

“Joan” I acknowledge the girl just a few years younger than me and with a baby boy near my owns age. She carried a tray in her hands and much to my dismay I sat up and instructed her to leave it on the night stand. She did so and gave me a small but bright smile.

“Mrs Evans, the kids asked earlier if they could go to the town’s annual fair that's taking place in a few hours. Of course Matteo wished to come ask you himself but I told him you were still asleep“ her brown eyes scan me, as if trying to decide what my reaction is going to be.

“I don’t see why not.” I try to give her a smile “Thanks Joan, you may take them yourself. I'll give you some money for the boys. Buy icecream, cotton candy or whatever they want and bring them back for dinner, all right?”

She nodded and walked out of the room with a smile. Then her head popped at the door again. “I will get them ready now and I'll tell Mateo to come say hi before he leaves.” She trailed off, seemingly unsure of her next words “He has not seen you out of bed in days Y/n.”

My eyebrows rise at that, and she closes the door behind her. Can't be mad when she's telling the truth, but the reprimand isn't exactly appreciated.

Taking one look to my breakfast I sigh, I didn’t feel much like eating today. But with Joan's words pounding in my head, I knew I needed some strength. If not for me for my son. But before anything else I reached for my phone to send out a single text.

: Where did you go?

As I awaited a response I slowly got out of bed and heade to the bathroom between dizzy steps, trying to recall the last time I had more than a granola bar and chocolate to eat. Not being surprised by the fact that I didn’t even remember. While brushing my teeth I managed to avoid a glance at the person on the mirror. Not wishing to see her swollen cheeks, or the dark circles under her eyes or her mistreated skin. After a layer of particularly pink lotion to my face and a cold water rinse I felt a tad more awake, trying not to sprint inside the bedroom at the first ring of my phone. No, instead I took my time drying my face and putting some handcream on. Finally heading out of the bathroom and straight torwards the phone.

Chris♡: They called me in to retake some scenes. Will be home by night.

Of course. The phone found itself being dropped back in the bed rather harshly. Like we didn’t have a marriage emergency going on.

I almost chuckle, marriage emergency… what kind of selfish bitch was living within me. It was his work, mostly what gave me and my son the spectacular roof over our heads and brought food on the table since I pretty much quit my job. I shouldn’t expect it to be less important. It’s not like his family was at stake here.

Suddenly shutting my senses to my thoughts I attempt to shake them off my head. But I can’t. All I do is contradict myself, all there is is a never ending inner fight with myself and it was making me lost. I had a son to look after. I needed to be more supportive of my husband. Of myself when it came to that. But I felt mentally and physically exhausted. And it needed to stop. Start with your breath...

When I consider that I have collected myself enough to pick at my breakfast and turn around there is an expectant little figure by the door. And I feel the wind knocked out of my stomach.

I gave him a small smile. “Hey baby” he quickly runs up to me and my body crouches on instinct, lifting him from the floor and squeezing him into my arms. I breath in the scent of his blonde waves. For a moment, all of my inner fight had dissipated. All of the struggle forgotten for a second and there is a smile on my lips. A true smile.

“Good afternoon momma” he wraps his short arms around my neck. My nose itches and for a second I think I may cry.

“oh I love you baby” I reply, sitting him on the bed. The pain on my lower back not going unnoticed as I do so, but I have mastered the art of acting and sit next to my son.

“Adrian is still getting ready momma, can we watch tv?” he looks up at me, baby blue eyes sparkling, just like his father’s do. "Mhmm" is all I get out. Could my own kid look less like me? It's as if Chris made him solo and I simply carried and gave birth to his offspring that had nothing to do with me.... maybe the nose.

We sat back on the bed. Matteo watching a cartoon, and me trying to eat my food like a little girl being watched eat, almost obligated. With a sigh I take a spoonful of oatmeal to my mouth. It wasn’t bad really, warm and creamy. I eat half of the plate and share a cookie with my son. We both lean back on the bed, Matteo with his small body against my side. I took a second to enjoy it but it didn't last. Joan knocked on the half open door, her son by the hand. "We are ready to go!"

Matteo smiled widely and jumped off the bed, sprinting towards them but stopping in his tracks and heading back to me. I giggled as he left a loud kiss on my cheek and then ran again to his friend. I instruct Joan where to find some money and she smiles, thankful. When their steos are out of earshot I turn the tv off and fill the bathtub with hot water. Deciding to make myself useful or something on this day.

It had been sometime since I'd last taken a nice bath. It was really cold outside so normally a quick shower would suffice, and I'm sure it was more than a day ago since the last one. Yes, I should be ashamed, but I didn't care too much. It's not like I was doing anything too exciting inside these many, many walls.

••••○

Answering the 14th call of the hour a hand runs through my hair as I sit down on the small bed of the trailer.

"Hey Chris, what's up?" There's a tone of worry that I recognize.

My head starts spinning with possible answers, but I shake my thoughts away. "I'm fine, it's just Y/n."

"Oh, is she doing okay?"

"Not really." there's a pause as he gives me time to get my thoughts together "She isn't getting out of bed. She barely eats, she doesn't spend time with our son... I feel like it's my fault, because I'm always away and I've neglected her so."

"Hey I don't think it's that, she knows you need to be away Chris, I'm sure she understands that even if it's hard. And she can take care of herself."

"Yes I know she understands, but, just last night we had a fight. It was the first time I'd been home for weeks and she fights with me."

"You guys have a son that's 3, just couse she understands I don't think it's any easier on her, so you gotta give her some credit."

"I'm worried that she doesn't pay attention to him, what if he thinks it's because of him? I don't know how she might treat him when I'm not there."

"Chris! you know better than anyone else how much she loves Matteo. I couldn't possibly think of her as much as putting her hands on him, much less being mean."

"I know... I just worry, and all kinds of things just come up in my mind."

"Well you need to home more man, if you don't even know how things go in your house maybe it's time you quit."

"What? Scott I signed a contract, I can't just" my back hits the bed with a loud creak and I shut my eyes.

"Break it, I'm not saying it's forever. But you both have a lot of money. It could probably sustain you guys for a lot more years. Your wife needs you brother, and so does your son."

"I can't just..."

"Chris this is your freaking family!"

"I know dammit I KNOW!" Inevitably hot tears fill my eyes and I have to wipe them with the back of my hand.

"What are you so afraid of?" Scott asks and it makes tears to well up again.

A shocked sob came out with the next words "That she's gonna want to leave."

"Chris, Y/n loves you more than a human being can love. You can go and fix your marriage now, or you can keep working until the amazing woman that sits at your home sinks into a bottomless depression that drowns her and your son with her."

My brother's words hit me. I knew it was getting bad, but I was too scared to deal. It was easier being away and pretending I had a happy marriage at home waiting for me every time. But reality was creeping in more and more, I noticed that yesterday.

"What did you guys fight about yesterday?"

"Uh.., my drinking."

"Chris... you're not abusing it are you?"

"No I'm not, I just, had a few glasses because I was finally home. After weeks, and she got mad, said Matteo shouldn't have to see me like that, and I got mad because I really wasn't drunk," My head hurts at the memory of it "it got heated... fast, and I threw a glass against the floor and she got scared and I just... I feel like she sees me like stranger Scott."

"I would see you as a stranger if you were never home and on top of that started acting up when you were. I think you guys should take sometime off, talk things and maybe go to couple's therapy or some shit, I don't know. But you two have a kid, spend some time with him, don't fuck him up just because the two of you have problems. The jobs not worth it, the money's not worth it, at the end of the day, nothing is worth more than your family."

"I fucking hate when you get all deep with me" I chuckle, sitting up and resting my fforehead in one hand.

"That's only because I'm right." my brother laughs too.

"How about you? Are you guys doing alright?"

"Don't worry bout us, we're still on the honeymoon phase"

We both laugh and say our goodbyes, having my brother pep talk me. I knew I had to get my family back, even if I hadn't really lost them, yet. But I needed the incentive to do so.

Reader

The baths I prepare are pretty damn good, dare I say so myself. Laying back on the water, taking a few deep breathes. It does wonders. And suddenly an idea pops in my head.

When I was somewhere around 18 I struggled with depression for years. And one of the things that helped me through that was to write down how I felt, how I wished to feel and how I could improve my situation. It was how I took writing as one of my hobbies.

So I started typing away on my phone.

I know I am not as pretty as I used to be.

I never was too perfect, or perfect at all.

And I'm conscious that my body might not look desirable anymore.

Maybe, I never deserved your love.

Or maybe it was you who didn't deserve mine.

But we made it through the hate,

we had something so beautiful.

We made life.

And I wish things could go back to being so beautiful.

But I would still love you if you decided that I'm not enough for you anymore.

I will accept anything.

All I know for sure is just that this can't keep on like this.

We deserve to be happy.

I deserve to be happy.

For the good of the life that we created,

for the good of our son,

we must get better

wether that is apart or together.

"I had forgotten how much I suck at this." I laughed at myself, but that was fine, because it got the message across. I think.

I hope.

Divorce wasn't something new to cross my mind. I just never thought I would want to discuss it, not so seriously. My parents were divorced, and my mom and I did fairly good. My dad did great on the other hand.. It wasn't that I was scared of it really, because I considered myself capable enough.

My only fear was that I would never move on from Chris, I loved him still. I have loved him since our first kiss. But sometimes it felt as if I barely knew the person that I loved anymore. My heart was still clinging to his, but my mind could not be any more distant right now.

If I really wanted to save our marriage I had to act now. But I couldn't do it alone, and that was exactly how I felt that I was.

The water went cold, and I stood up grabbing the nearest towel. Stepping out of the bath I bent down to unclog it, and when I stood back up my ears rang.

I held onto the wall for a second, and it only got worse. The room obscuring and spinning at the same time. I am not sure if I slipped or if I fainted, but I could surely say there was a bit of blood running down my forehead.

And when I finally came back to it, I was already on an ambulence.

"Ma'am. Mr. Evans is on his way, you're okay."

My eyes went to the back of my head, it felt as if I'd been on a damn carousel for hours. What the hell was happening to me?

There was a distant voice asking me things, and all I could reply was dizzy and nauseous several times.

I fucked up, who was going to take care of Matteo. I couldn't take care of him in a hospital. He needed me by his side.

"You should have taken better care of yourself."

[nxnoire]

Desiderium

Depression

Fandom: Miraculous Ladybug

part 1 part 3

my second prompt for @badthingshappenbingo

———

Nathalie knocked on Adrien's door, wondering why the teen hadn't left his room yet. Adrien heard the knock, but it didn't register in his mind. It was a sound in the background of the noise in his mind. The tears in his eyes were a trillion times louder than the whisper of the knock.

Plagg nudged him, trying to gain any sort of reaction. "Adrien, you need to get up," he urged.

He looked his the black kwami with a blank expression. Blinking, he stood up and made his way over to the door.

Nathalie opened the door just as Adrien made his way to it. "It's time for school, Adrien."

"I'm staying home. I don't feel well," he said with a hoarse voice. He sniffled and rubbed his eyes, drying the ocean under his eyes.

Nathalie nodded and let him be, shutting the door without a sound. Adrien walked like a zombie back to his bed. He crawled under the warm covers, their calls irresistible in his state.

Plagg flew to his face. "What are you doing?"

"I'm staying home. There's no point in going, anyway."

"But–" Adrien turned over, cutting his kwami off. Plagg sighed, knowing Adrien was in no mood to argue. "Whatever helps you, Adrien."

At school, Marinette was getting overly worried. Adrien never missed school. His immune system was almost impenetrable, and on the off chance he did get sick, he always forced himself to go to school. Whatever he came down with must have been serious if it made him stay home that day.

Nino turned around to face the girls behind him. "Have you guys heard from Adrien?"

"No," both girls replied.

He hummed in thought. "He might be sick then."

"Or maybe he had an early photoshoot today," Alya suggested.

"No, he doesn't," Marinette chimed in. She knew every single photoshoot he would have for the next year, and his next one wasn't until tomorrow. Today was one of his only free days.

Alya couldn't help but smirk. "Oh, it's not on your calendar?"

Her pressing tone made Marinette stutter. "Ah, no-it's not-it's not like that!" Could she being herself to tell her best friends that she kept a calendar of everybody's events so she knew exactly where they were in case of an akuma attack? "I...uh-I never heard him say anything about-about a shrotopoot–I mean photoshoot!"

Nino shook his head with a smile. "I'm sure he just got a cold or something." He turned back around and prepared for class.

Alya smiled and listened as Miss Bustier began her lesson. Marinette followed suit, hoping Adrien was feeling okay.

———

"Adrien, it's time for lunch," Nathalie said, standing in front of the sleeping teen.

Adrien's eyes fluttered open, squinting at the bright sunlight filtering through his windows. He rubbed his eyes and looked at her, blinking to fix his blurry vision. He knew his father wouldn't be there, so what was the point of going? Hunger had abandoned his body, replaced by a comfortable emptiness. Eating was so much work. Why eat when he could just lay there and disappear?

"I'm not hungry," he muttered.

"If you're sick, food will only help you," Nathalie advised.

Arguing with the woman would only end with him losing. He gave in and got up, pausing as the world temporarily faded as blood rushes back to his head. Once the light-headedness stopped, he followed Nathalie to the lonely dining room.

He sat down in his chair in silence. His eyes fell to the meal waiting for him. It disgusted him. Whatever appetite he had left had run off somewhere to play games with the joy that had been exiled from his body. Hesitantly, he picked up his fork and looked at Nathalie, who was looking at her tablet.

She didn't look like his mother. Not one bit. Yet, he was supposed to believe she was mother figure in his life now. She loved him as if he were her son. He was supposed to love her like family as well but–

Tears brimmed at his eyes.

Why was he crying? What had he been crying all morning? He leaned to push through the dark and twisty depression. Was that not enough? Was being happier not enough?

A tear rolled down his cheek. He rubbed it away, trying to hide his sadness.

Why did he feel so horrible? Why couldn't he stop the urge to cry?

The dam he had been holding back for so long finally burst. He dry heaved, causing him to cover his mouth. Quickly, he stood up and ran out of the room, ignoring Nathalie's calls for him.

Tears rained down from his eyes. Without stopping, he ran into his bedroom and into the bathroom, slamming the door shut behind him. He fell back against the door and slid to the ground. Almost like instinct, he brought his knees to his chest and hugged them. In that moment he wished for the warmth his mother would always give him when she would hug him.

He was so touch-starved that it hurt. He missed her so much that it brought him physical pain. A thousand bricks sat upon his chest, but how could he possibly feel anything if there was a gap that replaced his heart?

Plagg stood on the other side of the door, deeply saddened by Adrien's depression. He knew that he couldn't do anything to help Adrien. Adrien needed professional help, but he didn't know how to bring it to him.

Nathalie walked into the empty room, hoping to help Adrien. Plagg noticed and flew into his camembert cabinet quickly. She blinked, thinking she had seen something fly by. Her eyes were just playing tricks on her, she figured. It didn't faze her. She walked over to the door and prepared to knock, but heard sobs erupting from the quiet room.

She stopped.

Adrien wasn't sick. He was in pain.

She knew it was due to his mother's absence. What other reason could it be for? There was now way he found out that Gabriel was Hawkmoth. It was impossible. With all of the precautions both parties took to hide any and all evidence, there was no way anybody should have been able to figure it out.

She knocked on the door. "Adrien..." What was she supposed to say? "I..."

"Go away."

"Adrien, I want to help–"

"I don't care."

Nathalie sighed. "Is it about your mother?" No answer. What else did she expect? "I'm going to talk to your father about this. I hope he will make time to talk to you." She turned and left, knowing very well Gabriel wouldn't be able to make time.

She hoped that Gabriel wouldn't change his mind and take advantage of Adrien's negative emotions. If he did, it would only harm the teen. The emotional effects of being akumatized were familiar to her. Even though she had wanted to be akumatized into Catalyst she felt negatively after she turned back to her regular self. It would be too much for Adrien to handle.

In the bathroom, Adrien leaned his head against the door, feeling worse than before. The tears had finally stopped flowing. Perhaps he had become numb to all of the pain again. For the time being, at least. The same thing would happen over again. He was stuck in an infinite loop of pain and suffering. There was no way to get out. He'd keep drowning in the cold waters, slowly inching towards death until the Grim Reaper finally arrived to take him to a safer place.

To a place with his mother.

Maybe that was the way out.

His thoughts came to a halt. He shook his head, wondering what had just come over him. Did he consider death? There was so much he had to do here. Even if he wanted to go, he couldn't.

But, it'd take all of the burden off his shoulders. Ladybug didn't even need her. She had proven time and time again that she could save Paris without him. Paris would be fine without him. Chat Noir didn't need to be here. Adrien Agreste would be better off disappearing. No more paparazzi. No more attention. No more stress.

His eyes widened. Was he seriously considering death?

No. He didn't want to die. He couldn't permanently leave this place. Even if it's be beneficial to him, he would want to come back to the life he built for himself.

He stood up and looked in the mirror at his disheveled self. For once, his image of perfect had dissolved with the tears. Thank god. He hated being perfect.

Was it possible to disappear for a while? He could run away as Chat Noir, but then he'd have to be on constant guard to maintain his hideout. Ladybug would need his help, and there was no way he could hold himself back from helping her.

There was another knock at the door.

"What do you want?" Adrien asked, his voice hoarse and quiet. He was tired of Nathalie bugging him. He was tired of people.

"Adrien," Gabriel said from behind the door.

Adrien's heart skipped a beat. His father had actually decided to come out his office to come talk to him! For once, his father cared enough to help him. Or did he? He paused, his hand hovering over the doorknob. "Are you here to lecture me again?" Adrien asked, trying not to get his hopes up.

"No. I'm here to talk."

He grabbed the doorknob and opened the door. In front of him was a sad face. Before Adrien could say anything, Gabriel embraced him a hug, something Adrien hadn't received from him in a long time.

Once they broke the hug, they walked over to his couch in silence and sat down. Adrien was hesitant to speak up, but he didn't have to.

"I know you miss her," Gabriel began, "We all do." He sighed sadly. "But we have to keep moving. Because one day, everything will go back to normal."

Adrien looked at him, confused. "How can anything go back to the way it was? She's dead, father."

"Yes, but–" he cut himself off, keeping his secret identity hidden. "Emotionally, we can return to normal."

"I did, and now I'm over here thinking about death!" He exclaimed angrily. His eyes widened. He wasn't one to raise his voice at others, and he hadn't meant to tell his father about that, either.

Gabriel looked at his son, ignoring the heavy statement. His eyes fluttered to the ring on his hand, which he had subconsciously began to toy with. Of course, he had ruled out the theory that Adrien was Chat Noir.

But thinking about it, maybe he was the young hero. The ring was the same. His depression could have been deepened by the weight of being Paris's hero.

Was it the right time to bring the question up? It was one of the only times he'd be able to. But was it really appropriate? His son was hurting and he was supposed to help him. However, if he was Chat Noir, he could get the Miraculous easily. He had to ask now. At least try.

"Adrien, I need to ask you something."

Adrien looked at his father, nodding.

"Are you Chat Noir?"

His stomach dropped to the floor. What was he supposed to say? If he said no, would his father believe him? If he said yes, what would the repercussions be? "I-i, uh...what makes you think that?"

Gabriel motioned to his ring. "The ring on your finger looks a lot like his. Not to mention you two look a bit similar."

Adrien didn't know how to counter that. The ring was the dead giveaway. How could he explain the sudden appearance of it? His father already showed suspicions toward it before. Could he easily shake them off again?

"Son, I wouldn't care if you were." He tried to make it seem as though he were the supportive father. "I would be proud to call myself the father of a superhero." He wouldn't be proud. He'd have been wanting to kill his son for close to two years. He would have been hurting his own son every single day, when the Miraculous was under his nose the entire time.

"Father..." Adrien looked at him and noticed something off about his expression. He inched away from him and hid his hands in his pockets, trying to hide the Miraculous. "Even if I were Chat Noir, I wouldn't be able to tell you. Superheroes have to keep their identities a secret or something like that."

"Wouldn't saying that be a way to hide your identity?"

"No matter what it is, I can't tell you whether I am him or not. Besides, I thought you were here to help me!" He stood up and threw his hands out of his pockets.

"If you aren't Chat Noir, take off your ring."

"No! I'm done talking about him!" He felt tears brimming at his eyes. "I just want to talk about Adrien for once," he muttered.

"Adrien...it's okay." Gabriel stood up and embraced his son in another hug. While holding his son, he looked at the ring, trying to hold himself back from snatching it.

"Why do you care so much about Chat Noir?"

"Because I'm curious, son. I'm worried for you, and need to know everything so I can help you."

Adrien pulled away and stepped back, trying to put distance between him and his father. If his father had evil intentions, he needed to be far away just in case he needed to escape. "I-I-" he stuttered. His eyes caught sight of Plagg, who looked terrified.

Something was wrong. He shouldn't be telling his father anything. For whatever reason, it wasn't safe. Gabriel noticed Adrien's shocked expression and turned to see what he was looking at. His eyes caught sight of a tail disappearing under the blanket of his bed.

A kwami.

He tried to act like he hadn't seen anything, but he knew his expression gave it away.

"I can explain–"

"No, I know what I saw, Adrien."

His heart pounded harder and harder. "How do you know...?"

Gabriel sighed. "I've become well-aquatinted with the Miraculous over my lifetime."

Adrien backed away. Plagg knew. Plagg could sense his father knew something. He should have kept the secret better. Adrien failed. His father wasn't safe, for whatever reason.

Something clicked inside of him. His father had possession of the Miraculous Spellbook. He never left his house. He seemed interested in the ring.

Could his father be– "Hawkmoth?" He muttered in shock, hoping he was wrong.

Gabriel moved closer to his son. "I hope you'll understand, Adrien. Once I get the Miraculous I can bring her back. We can finally live happily once again."

Adrien moved towards his window. "No! If you do that, it'll come with a sacrifice! It's not right! Terrorizing Paris, for what? Bringing a dead person back? She's dead, let her be dead like she should be! Who do you think you are, Frankenstein? You can't just bring people back and expect it to all be so perfect!" He was about to open the window but his father tried to take the ring.

"Give me the Miraculous and everything will be fine!"

"No!" Adrien ran to his bed and grabbed his phone, shoving it in his pocket. "I can't be here. Not with you, Hawkmoth." Tears rolled down his cheeks. "I can't. I have a city to save, and I cant leave them behind."

"Son, just do it."

"Plagg," Adrien muttered, causing the black kwami to fly out of the blanket. "Let's go." Adrien walked towards his door, but Nathalie opened it, shocked to see the scene unfolding in front of her eyes. Adrien backed up a bit, but stopped when he saw his father getting closer to him. "Nathalie, move." She didn't move.

"Plagg, claws out," he muttered, transforming in a bright flash of light.

As he walked away, his father managed to grab his wrist. "Adrien, don't go–"

"Sorry, Adrien isn't available now. You can leave a message for him, if you'd like."

Gabriel scoffed and tried grabbing the ring.

"Cataclysm," Chat muttered, causing Gabriel to stop. "You'll never get my Miraculous." He turned and walked past Nathalie, tears rolling down his cheeks as he left behind the last piece of home he had.

[ohnopuddin]

everything i didn't say: peter parker

A/N: this song is my jam-i highly recommend, plus im slowly getting back in the swing of things so send me requests:)

warnings: angst!, shit writing, language, fighting ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He had done it again. Walked right past you like you weren’t standing there at his locker. After he blew off your movie plans last night, you figured he would rush to your house apologizing profusely and shoving flowers in your hands. At least, thats what the old Peter would do.

You stomach clenched while you tried to come up with a reason that would explain his odd behavior. You couldn’t find one reason he would act like this, and not talk to you about it.

You pushed yourself off your locker and walked towards the main doors of the school, swinging your bag onto your shoulder. Your quick footsteps echoed as you cut through the alley way across from the milkshake joint you worked at.

Work had started slow, a few kids coming in for an after school shake, but besides that it was empty. You finished making an older man’s cookies and cream shake and turned around to grab a straw, that is, until a large crash shook the building.

A car had driven straight throught the glass doors meters away from you, and you crouched with hands up to protect yourself from flying debris. You peaked your head over the counter to find a man stepping out the car, gun in his hand as he turned around wildly seemingly looking for something.

For the first time, you were truly scared. The look in the mans eyes was crazed- ravenous. You stumbled back i to the counter, your eyes never leaving the man as you felt the counter for your phone. Apparently you weren’t as stealthy as you had hoped, because the man saw you, limping towards you with his gun cocked.

His crazed look soon shifted to shocked, when white webbing wrapped around his fist and flung him into the wall, and standing in the doorway was the amazing spiderman. You had only ever seen the videos on youtube, never actually witnessing him in person.

“Didn’t anyone ever tell you staring is rude?” He joked, catching your gaze. Your cheeks turning a deep crimson as your (e/c) eyes shifted away from him.

Peter enjoyed seeing you blush, basking in your beauty since he had avoided you all day. It hurt him to know he was hurting you, but there was no way to ease your worries, because he could never tell you.

After you had dealt with the police and filed a report on exactly what had happened, you were free to go. Since you had enough of the scares for tonight a cab was called by your boss, who insisted she pay for it.

Sitting in the yellow taxi, you fingers hovered over the screen of your phone. The events of the day flowed through your mind and your stomach clenched at the thought of what would have happened if spiderman wasn’t there. Your thumb, with its chipped nail polish, pressed onto Peter’s contact before you shook your head and pressed the lock button.

Arriving at the large apartment complex your parents normally rented out, you stepped out the cab and made your way to the door. However, what you didn’t expect to find- rather who, was Peter Parker.

He was slumped against the red brick wall of the hall and his tousled hair fell into his face in a way that made your stomach fill with butterflies. “Mhm,” You cleared your throat and watched the sleepy eyed boy stand quickly. Your (e/c) eyes quickly falling onto the purple discoloration on his cheek. On instinct, you reached out, before pulling back and closing your fist.

“H-hey, babe.” He coughed and rubbed the back of his neck, his foot twisting on the floor in nervousness.

“What are you doing here Peter?” Straight to the point. You were frustrated, who did he think he was showing up out of nowhere and acting like everything was fine?

“Woah,(Y/n), you okay?” He moved forward with concern in his chocolate eyes but you took a step back for each of his forward.

“No, Peter. I’m not.” Your voice was strong, despite feeling like hell inside. At his confused gaze you carried on, “You’ve been off lately. Avoiding me. Blowing off our plans. Honestly, Pete, I’m sick of it.”

“I’m sorry you know The Stark Intern-”

“Stop. Peter, please just stop lying to me.” You huffed and rolled your eyes. Peters stomach dropped when he realized his normal excuse wasn’t going to cut it. He struggled to find something to say so you cut in instead, “I almost died today, Peter. Like I had a fucking gun pointed at my head. And all I could think about was you. And you wanna know what I realized in that time?”

He was scared to ask.

“I’m not happy anyone. You- you aren’t the same. I don’t know what’s going on with you but you obviously don’t want me around. It’s honestly fucking sad that spiderman has been there for me more today than my own boyfriend.” You began to pull the spare key from the door frame and slid it into the scuffed silver knob.

“W-what?” He stuttered and stumbled back a step, his heart clenching with a pain he had never known before. “(Y/n)… are- are you breaking up with me?”

You opened the cheaply made door and stepped inside, looking at the scruffy boy you cared about so much. Hearing him say the words made you wanna take it all back and tell him how much you love him. But you weren’t going to do that. You had already made up your mind.

“I- I guess I am.”

The tear had collected in your eyes and you blinked furiously to clear them, while Peter let them fall freely from his eyes. He almost looked ready to turn around and walk away until you called out, “Unless..unless you can tell me what’s really going on. Why you’ve been so distant.”

A part of you hoped he would fall to his knees and explain everything while kissing you endlessly, and another part of you wanted to be free from pain.

Peter gaped at you, his heart pounding in his ears and a painful knot in his throat. He couldn’t do this to you anymore. All the lying. It wasn’t fair. “I- I can’t… I’m sorry.” He whispered, and you wouldn’t have been able to hear it if you weren’t two feet apart.

Your gaze hardened and tears flowed from your eyes, the growing pain of betrayal and confusion blooming where your heart used to be. “Me too.” The door closed in his face and you leaned against the nearest wall, sliding down slowly.

Peter could hear your soft sobs through the door and hated himself. Tears of his own trailed down his face as he walked away from his first love. The feeling in his chest a painful reminder of everything he didn’t say.

‘The way that you held me I wish that I’d put you first I was wrong I admit, numb from your kiss While you were slipping through my fingertips’ - 5 seconds of summer