#I identify with the guy so he's easier to write lol

[gunnrblze]

Till Death, pt 1

Keegan x Ajax series! This was supposed to be lighthearted and funny tbh but as always, I had to insert decades long yearning and desire and longing, silly me smh. I apologize if any of it’s confusing, I’m not very good with writing scenes of only two people with the same pronouns, so the use of he/him may get a little mistakable with who exactly I’m referring to. Also the writing is just kinda all over the place lol enjoy that.

༄ 1500k+ words, mild mention of dick and ass but no smut (yet?), so mdni idc, yearning in the full definition of the word, sap fest fr

Mornings always came a little dreadfully at first on base. Pushing through the initial exhaustion from the day before was never easy. Especially knowing you’d be doing the same menial tasks all over again.

Something made it a little easier whenever Keegan caught wind of Alex, though.

Alex moved like a body of water, somehow smoother and more fluid than the rest of the clunking boots around them. Keegan knew it was a slippery slope whenever he admired his smile for a bit too long, or the way he felt his heart catch whenever Alex slung his arm around his shoulders.

He knew their erotic jokes didn’t mean much. It was all in good fun, anyway. Hell, all the guys made jokes like that with one another. It didn’t mean anything, unless it did. But Keegan knew it didn’t.

Didn’t. Unless maybe Alex felt it too. Felt his pulse quicken or his pants get tighter around his crotch whenever he saw Keegan crack a rare little grin, or catch him shirtless in the showers after training.

Maybe that was just the thing about the military. You could joke here and slap an ass there with your fellow men, but the second you started dreaming about your lips against his or your cock anywhere but your own pants or fist, it was different.

Keegan didn’t mind too much, though. He didn’t have time to mind. From the moment he woke up above Alex in the barracks every morning, to the moment he fell asleep in the same spot every night, he was busy with everything else that went on.

So if he had to pretend the sound of Alex snoring wasn’t imprinted into his mind already, then so be it. He could push past the fact that Alex was near him practically all day. Slept below him and trained with him, ate with him, worked with him, goofed off with him like idiots. He’d ignore that he could identify the broad man by his scent alone.

And Alex would simply do the same. He would allow himself only a few minutes a day to really think about those deep blue eyes that followed him. To really think about how his own eyes would trace over the bottom of the bunk above him at night, trying to map out the lines of where he imagined Keegan’s body rested on top.

The setup was okay. They were both avoidant enough to ignore the lingering glances and touches. Morning trainings came and went, mealtimes and meetings and daily work flashed by like the hands on a clock.

And they pretended. Pretended that seeing the other hurt in the field or taking on enemies too great a size didn’t tear at their heartstrings when it was all said and done.

This wasn’t a job that allowed attachment. It was too fast moving. Everyday was the same on base, but things moved too quickly to really claim a stake anywhere.

Except Keegan and Alex seemed to follow one another, whether intentionally or not. From basic recruit training to joining Task Force Stalker and becoming Ghosts together, where one man went the other followed.

Just how they liked it.

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“Ajax, rise and shine, pretty boy” Keegan’s grumbly voice would stir the large man in his bunk, tossing over and rubbing the few hours of sleep from his eyes.

“Again with the nickname?” Ajax’s tone was too riddled with exhaustion for Keegan to decipher his true level of annoyance, but he knew the man too well.

“You seemed to dislike ‘AJ’ so we’re just trying to freshen it up, sue me” he answered, giving the man a pat to the cheek and not even trying to hide his smirk before walking toward the door.

“Right, get outta here and make yourself useful, Russ” Ajax retorted with a gruff chuckle as he rose from his bed, stiff muscles and joints already aching. He’d been a marine so long he wasn’t sure if his body was cracking from the exertion, or if every guy in their mid 20s had the lower back pain comparable to an elderly mans.

A smirk adorned his face too though, despite himself. Keegan’s short huff of laughter wasn’t nearly as melodic as it always sounded to him, but it bounced off the hallway of the barracks and right into his eardrums nonetheless, worming its way into that warm, gooey part of his heart that he chose to keep shut up. For the greater good, of course.

Ajax didn’t ever seem to be too deterred by early mornings, despite his initial disdain upon opening his eyes and seeing even the slightest sliver of light. He could make the best out of what felt like the worst. Even PT at 0500 hours, wide smile lighting up the room in a way that had every other soldier wanting to slap it right off his pretty face. His charm felt like a hand around Keegan’s throat, squeezing and squeezing and threatening to cut off his air supply, lest he shut it down before he gets comfortable with the idea of not breathing.

It was like that everyday. Keegan would watch him both up close and from afar, opting to observe everything instead of speak like the other man tended to, apparently. He wouldn’t typically favor being surrounded by a guy who couldn’t seem to shut up, but when it was Ajax’s deep voice that bass lined the walls of the armory while he was cleaning his M40, well, how could one dare complain?

Ajax was too tactful not to notice Keegan’s staring, of course. He wasn’t stupid, too perceptive not to see the way the man’s eyes raked over him, all of him. Deep blues combing over every inch of his being as if he were noticing the man for the first time. It was something he’d done from the days they’d met in basic training.

Keegan’s silent once overs used to deter Ajax from wanting to get to know the man better, assuming he had to have some kind of unspoken issue with him. But Ajax quickly found that Keegan’s voice just didn’t seem to come naturally to the man, maybe it was better for him to look than speak? It didn’t quite explain why he had to look at him like that, he was just thankful that the hot blush was masked on his dark cheeks whenever Keegan’s eyes not so inconspicuously studied the way his uniform stretched around his biceps, or the way the water rolled off his ass in the shower.

It was almost so blatant at times that Ajax felt as if he knew the man had something more going on in his mind. But he didn’t indulge himself in the idea. The idea that these lingering glances meant anything other than Keegan’s keen perception subtly making itself known. The near brooding man looked that same way at everything. From his rifle to his superiors teachings to the landscapes during recon missions, Keegan took in all the details that he could.

But it didn’t stop Ajax from feeling like it was something special. Something that made his heart clench and mind go fuzzy for half a second because Keegan was watching him. He could look at the other privates, watch his back wherever he went as if some pre-installed hyper vigilance riddled his system, but he was observing Ajax.

Keegan’s approach of looking but not speaking seemed to mirror that of Ajax’s. He could talk to Keegan all he wanted, but if he really found himself staring the way his eyes begged for permission to, he’d get lost in the man. His eyes so deep and blue that Ajax didn’t even care how cheesy it felt to compare them to the Pacific.

Mealtimes felt like a reprieve from the rough routine they endured everyday, and Keegan found himself relishing even in the manner Ajax ate in. It wasn’t ever too long before his eyes found their way back to the dark brown ones that would sit across from him. Was he jealous when Ajax would wrap an arm around the waist of the soldier next to them? Joking and laughing in a way that he only wished he could reciprocate? No, he wagered. He just didn’t like Private Brooks and that stupid horse laugh of his, that’s all.

“Gonna eat that, Keeg? You know I’ll take it” Ajax would toss a joking wink to Keegan when his fork shuffled around the mush of peas on his tray. He felt like a damned schoolboy again, swapping lunch trays with his friend whenever he didn’t like part of his meal. But the smile Ajax gave him seemed to make the noise in his head disappear if only for a moment, pearly teeth contrasting against velvety dark skin.

Keegan’s heart thrummed as he walked across base to work, boots clanking on the pavement in time with the muscle that threatened to explode from behind his ribcage if he thought about that damned smile for any longer.

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[residentialsinyomakai]

Obligatory refs + Info of my Yokai Watch Ocs (*＾▽＾*)

Under a cut because there's gonna be a lot of yapping and art stuffs....explodes +□+

Caspian Hernandez || Any Prns || Watcholder

Basics:

The 15 year old 'basically Nate replacement' of this universe!

Lives in Blossom Heights mostly alone, parents are gone pretty often for one reason or another.

In addition, she lives with Baddinyan who is the only reason they're always out of Chocobars

Can see yokai through their glasses (ability can't be deactivated, but he has to focus on yokai for a few seconds in order to actually see/identify them)

Summons them w/ the Yopple-Brand summon band :'] (Customizable! That's why it looks like a disc attached to a Brute Bracer; because it basically is.) Insert disc into a slot in the side!! Whoopie!!!

Not very socially aware due to doing online school up until the age of like 12 (EVIL CAT interactions early on are constantly like 'lol that thing they said actually meant this you dork ahah you fool' 'hush weirdo I'm trying to focus')

((^ i mean in addition to that hes also based on me so like. Neurodivergent canon?? Maybe?? Idk i unintentionslly write characters like me sometimes

A bit goofy and switches moods easily. Some days can be pretty apathetic if she's in a slump.

Gameverse Friend Team of 6: Baddinyan (duh), Badude, Casanuva, Babblong, Tut'n'K'mon, and Rawry

VC: Unbearaboy! from the 'Yo-Kai Watch!' Sub (the blue one in this scene) ((yes I know it's goofy but it's the only clip I could find, skip past the beginning flashback 😭));

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Kerosque || He/Him || Formerly-Alive Yokai

Basics:

Water-Attributed Rank-B yokai of the Tough Tribe

Phrog is about in his upper 40's.

Inspirit; is kinda like when people tend to be kinda cold/curt in the mornings for seemingly no reason.

Runs a ramen stand someplace on the outskirts of Yo-kailafornia. (He's a pretty good chef too)

((He also has little custom pins you can get for free depending on who you are ^u^ a few of his customers/friends tend to.))

Uses his ladle (however you spell it) as a bit of a weapon thing. Comically large goofy ahh 😭

Doesnt go to the human world more often than he needs to. Too much everything

This man HATES stepping foot in downtown he does NOT wanna be there ever-

Kinda perpetually grumpy, resting mildly angry face. He tries to be polite but isn't very talkative at all lol

He does in fact croak. I love frog

Not pictured cause I forgot but like. Has a little swirly stomach pattern

Reoccurring yokai at his stand tend to be: Roughraff, Sick-Kun, Quinn, Ebi, Caspian, Master Oden, and occasionally Bruff.

VC: No clue yet, something along the lines of a higher version of Walrus Captain from A hat In Time, or a less enthusiastic Captain Caviar from Cookie Run? (If you got ideas, feel free!)

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Dread || He/They/Xe || Human-Born Yokai

Basics:

Drain-Attributed Rank-S yokai of the Shady Tribe

Inspirit; kinda similar to intrusive thoughs. Worse case scenario stuff, things that make you think you're an awful person, dreading situations or overthinking anything, etc etc

Is sighted quite a bit around high-schools. Hormones+anxiety+prime place for embarassment? Makes his job too easy

He has low empathy, but isn't completely incapable. Doesn't make a lot of friends and honestly he could care less either way.

Rather flippant, dry humor kinda guy, kinda similar to Jax from tadc for reference

He does have hair under there (i thought thatd be obvious but then again you'd probably also expect him to have skin and a chest/stomach under his hoodie so aifkwod), but it's usually kinda greasy.

Heart is a weak point in battle. If he ever let's it be exposed in the first place, that is

Cannot be seen by Caspian earlier in the story. Around the point I'd expect him to be in most of my drawings, he's at 'watch' Rank-B

Likes to taunt people, the easier to provoke the better. He feeds off of negative reactions and emotions for both entertainment and soul food nom nom

Usually a sad reaction is better than an angry one for him. If he finds someone's emotional weakness he most likely Will Exploit it XnX

While he doesn't care for anyone, he tends to harass Fuwhirl and Negatibuzz the least.

VC: Dont kill me but Raggedy Andy from Raggedy Anne's Musical Adventure

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Swiss || He/Him || Human-Born Yokai

Basics:

Electic-Attributed Rank-C yokai of the Eerie Tribe

Inspirit; is why people (usually kids) are picky eaters. This can look like randomly losing an appetite/ just finding several things repulsive/I'm bald/nuance/ref

Wanders around wherever. Lives in one of the Tranquility Apartments officially tho.

(Fuwhirl lives w him after they reunite <333 long story short they know him)

Has pretty poor eating habits himself tbh

Is edible!! Technically!!! He would not reccomend it (he's cake roll flavored :'])

The swirl in his hair can be dyed different colors.)

Going off of that, he can regenerate. Useful, but kiiiinda painful

He's a bit of an a-hole, and absolutely doesn't know when to shut up. He doesn't like to fight tho surprisingly (°>°)

Sarcastic and quick to snap back at someone =u=

(There's a strange old man he helps with experiments concerning his odd biology....he hasn't been posted yet but he belongs to my friend @sketchdeath22)

VC: lol idk

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Fuwhirl || They/Them || Object-Born Yokai

Basics:

Wind-Attributed Rank-D yokai of the Mysterious Tribe

Inspirit; Makes people dizzy either randomly or after standing up ×□×

Lived at a circus for a while, but eventually it moved out of town. After a bit of aimless wandering they found their way to Blossom Heights 🌸!!!

Kinda stumbles when they walk, it's worse when they're distressed but a bit more easy to navigate when they're happier &u&

Naive, likes to think anyone's nice under the surface +▽+

Is kinda like Tattletell's in the way he had to be latched on to you to be effective. Typically via a backpack

Has one of those build-a-bear hearts inside him!!! Whoopie :)

VC: Uhhh I forgot atm but I will come back and edit lol

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Anyways, that's not including my like 'ocified versions of pre-existing characters' agsgydirofor I love yapping about ocs!!! Wahoo :)

[danikamariewrites]

Hello, I was just wondering if tou would be able to do a cassian imagine with tall!reader. I’m 170 centimeters tall, and even though I know that may not be considered tall, I don’t really identify with any short!reader imagines.

And I really love your writing, it gives me happiness like no other thing. ❤️❤️

Cassian x tall!reader hc

A/n: thank you anon! That makes me so happy❤️ also I would consider u tall bc I’m 5ft lol

Warnings: none

When you first met Cassian he was shocked by your height but in a good way

You’re taller than most females so it leaves you feeling a little awkward

But Cassian gives me tall girl lover, like he’d love you no matter what

When it comes to training your a formidable opponent since you’re at his level

He’s still taller than you but he’s happy he doesn’t have to break his back bending down to kiss you

You love stealing his clothes and wear them out bc they basically fit you

He loves seeing you in his clothes, I think it makes him blush

“You wear it so much better than I do babe. I think you should keep it I’ll get another one.”

When you guys go out for a casual day he’s he’s just so happy you’re wearing his shirt or whatever you stole from him bc it means his scent is all over you and it just reminds him that your his

When you dress up for events he doesn’t care if you wear heels

Cassian thinks you’re beautiful no matter what you wear and if you end up being eye level with him so be it

It’s just way easier to kiss you

Cassian would still move things up way out of your reach even if it’s a stretch for him

He just wants to still be there and do everything for you

Even if he has to fly in the house to reach your favorite mug

He never has to worry about losing you in a crowd bc he can always see the top of your head

You like poking his cheek a lot

Just a random thing you started doing one day

You were standing next to each other and you looked at him and his cheeks just looked so pokeable so you just went for it

Cassian was so confused by it, and the fact that you kept doing it

At first he was annoyed with it but it brought a smile to your face which made him smile so he let it keep happening

[daboyau]

C, F, K, Y, and Z :)?

C: What member do you identify with most?

I’m assuming member is referring to characters. So TMNT related, with Rise I relate most to Raph. Every other iterations, it’s Leo all the way. We all have eldest child syndrome and I live for that. That said, when I write Donnie I do tend to give him more of my own traits and habits. (And I project my sister onto Leo all the way.)

F: Share a snippet from one of your favorite dialogue scenes you’ve written and explain why you’re proud of it.

Mmm I answered this one earlier, but here’s a different bit, from this story here. (Some parts cut out for brevity.)

“It’s so much easier here. We were always safe in the tunnels, but the world is so big,” Raph whispered like he was telling Leo a horrible secret. “And there are so many things that want to hurt us.”

“Oh. Listen, you don’t have to worry about that. Those guys are all gone!” 

“They hurt them. Hurt…hurt you. It’s my job to keep everybody safe, and I couldn’t do it. I failed! I messed everything up over and over and—“

“Hey, no. No, no, we are not doing this.” Leo sank to the ground, sitting cross legged and shifting his little big bro around so they could look each other in the eye. The darkness glittered. It felt hungry. “Listen to me. You did the best you could, which is what matters most. You kept us all alive and got us out of trouble again and again no matter how many stupid things we did to make that harder on you. But — and this is important — that burden should never have been on your shoulders. Do you hear me, man? You were a kid, just like the rest of us, and I….”

“I’m sorry,” Leo croaked, and he covered his face, not wanting this version of Raph to see him like this. Still, he forced the words out through hiccuping breaths and a tight throat, hating himself a little more with each one. “I made things so much harder on you. I was such a little shit, and I hurt you so many times. I helped put that burden on you, and you never even complained even though I never helped you carry it. I should have done more, I should have told you how much you meant to us, but instead all I did for so long was find ways to tear you down. You were never alone, but we made you feel like you were. I don’t know why— I never really felt— ugh! I want you to know that I never—“

Sooo mostly I like this one because it made me emotional and felt sort of cathartic to write lol.

K: What’s the angstiest idea you’ve ever come up with?

Another one I answered already, but The Loyal Remains is pretty angsty and only gets worse….

Y: A character you want to protect.

Rise Raph 100%. I’m ready to throw myself in front of a truck for him any day.

Z: Major character death–do you ever write/read it? Is there a character whose death you can’t tolerate?

Sooo it isn’t something I write often, but I do in fact write major character death, and it is a large part of current fics I’m writing and planning. I don’t seek it out when I’m looking for things to read, but it isn’t something that would scare me away from a fic.

[maschotch]

idk if this is controversial but speaking of Reid girls n all that, i hate how forgotten Morgan gets since everyone seems to favour Reid. writing a mlm fic? it’s centred around Reid and Morgan is just sorta there, or maybe comforts Reid. need just one queer character? it’s Reid. a trans masc hc? it’s Reid again. and most of all,,, people making any kind of hurt/comfort or angst or whatever to do with csa… and they choose Reid. they make a head canon that he experienced csa, when Morgan literally canonically did, and everyone ignores that he did. and it’s fine to have a favourite character and all that, but it’s… disproportionately skewed in favour of the skinny white boy, yk? it feels so off to me. and also how people seem to totally forget about Morgan’s experiences. idk

aldhskdh it’s definitely controversial but youre so so right for it?? i feel like a lotta people just… ignore morgan. it wouldnt feel as purposeful or malignant if they didnt give the exact things morgan deals with to reid?? the same thing kinda happens w hotch, where people obsess over reid so much that it overshadows the places where they’re similar (like hotch being a nerd or autistic hotch or transmasc hotch) but even then, at least he’s got the hotchgirls to balance it out. where are the morgangirls?? where are they??

it seems like such a waste that morgan gets sidelined as the himbo jock football guy when the writers went out of their way to let us know that’s not who he is?? it’s the one time i think the writers actually did good in comparison to the fandom: they made him one of the smartest, most emotionally open characters. he’s so so caring. and reid is smart, sure, but even morgan has his strengths. he’s a better chess player than reid (something i wish we couldve seen more of), which i think no one ever fucking mentions. morgan seems like an afterthought at most in cm fics, with moreid, hotchgan, and morcia. he’s just.. underappreciated in general in comparison to his white counterparts.

as far as the trans masc hc… ok.. this one might get me into trouble lol but it feels so… uninteresting? he’s “gnc” bc he has long hair ig. i dont wanna say too much more on that bc morgan/hotch seem very comfortable in their gender identity, and it’s probably easier for questioning people to identify with the generally-insecure reid. which is like.. fine ig but it feels? belittling almost? infantilizing/woobifying trans men? idk

this shit is always kinda hard to talk about bc yeah there’s nothing inherently wrong for csa reid hcs or trans reid hcs or autistic reid hcs or whatever, but it feels particularly disingenuous when you have morgan right there who can easily have as many if not more of those popular hcs applied to him. but sure yeah lets just ignore him as the dumb jock lol. lets make him a prop for other characters. lets cast aside his characterization to make reid more interesting. it’s definitely a trend in fandom to hype up the skinny white boy, so i cant reeally blame reidgirls for living up to the stereotype, but it feels like they actively ignore morgan. it just sucks bc morgan js such a fun character

[peaches2217]

2, 21, and 25? 🫶

Yay! Thank you! (In regards to this prompt)

2) Describe your pronouns. What are they, and why?

She/Her and He/Him! I'm bigender, in my case being male and female. (I got called "Cis+" as an insult in an NB group once, but honestly that's not a bad way to look at it - both of my genders are binary, but they coexist rather than being mutually exclusive opposites.) I don't really prefer one pronoun set to the other; rather, I prefer to be called by both interchangeably!

To that extent, please, please don't refer to me by they/them pronouns (unless you just forget/don't know my pronouns and do it out of respect, in which case that's totally cool!). Admittedly that was the catalyst for the Cis+ comment (something to the extent of "Lol you claim to be nonbinary but your genders are binary and you're adverse to they/them? Looooool you're literally just an indecisive cis person"), so I've been especially sensitive to that ever since 😅

21) What are your favorite things about being multigender?

I'm gonna be corny here: I just love knowing who I am! I kicked around being bigender in high school, but ultimately decided I was my AGAB with tomboyish tendencies. But throughout adulthood, the signs that it was more were always there: I've always identified more strongly with male characters in media, and as a writer, I find it easier to write from a male POV. I've always love being perceived as male; I have short hair and look fairly androgynous from the back, so at work customers would sometimes get my attention with "Excuse me, sir?" They'd apologize profusely when I turned around to reveal a baby face and a sunflower hairclip, but I'd be on Cloud Nine all day and I could never quite explain why.

At the same time, I never thought I was trans. I've always been perfectly happy being a girl. I spent most of my life shunning my femininity (my formative years were smack-dab in the middle of the Not Like Other Girls trend), but in my early 20s I began really embracing it, letting myself wear makeup and dresses and bright colors, and I've loved it ever since! But I could never shake my ties to masculinity. I couldn't explain it.

Last year I finally got fed up and did some soul-searching with friends; they suggested maybe I was a demigirl or demiboy, but those labels didn't feel right, because I'm not partially either, when I dig down deep. When asked who exactly I am, "I'm a woman" and "I'm a man" both feel right, but suggesting I'm more/less one than the other doesn't. "Bigender" came back up, and I was like "Oh. Maybe 17-year-old Peaches really was onto something."

ALL THAT TO SAY: My favorite part of being multigender is being able to understand and embrace myself to the fullest. I'm not a girl with masculine tendencies and I'm not a guy in touch with his femininity. I'm a man as I am a woman. Discovering that has been life-changing.

25) What's your favorite art/music/writing/etc about being multigender? (Things not explicitly written as such are OK too!)

Not sure if it counts as art, but this symbol:

because it perfectly encapsulates and answers the mystery of my own identity. Not all bigender people are male and female or masculine and feminine; the beauty of the nonbinary is that everyone's experience is so varied! But as someone who's only recently come to realize she can be both at the same time rather than having to choose, that simple, silly little symbol just makes me so happy.

[buefried]

Im gonna copy past bullet points till I can get ti my computer and make a proper post

If you're the kind of person who thinks you need to carrot-on-a-stick yourself into writing by saving the fun part for when you finally write everything that happens before it: Stop. You're probably not a linear writer. You're making yourself suffer for no reason and your writing is probably suffering for it. At least give nonlinear writing a try before you assume you can't write if you're not baiting or forcing yourself into it!!

2. Rereading my own work.I used to hate reading my own work. I wouldn't even edit it usually. I would write it and slap it online and try not to look at it again. XD Writing nonlinearly forced me to start rereading because I needed to make sure scenes connected together naturally and it also made it easier to get into the headspace of the story to keep writing and fill in the blanks and get new inspiration.

Another thing I found from doing this that it became easy to see patterns and themes in my work and strengthen them. Foreshadowing became easy. Setting up for jokes or plot points became easy. I didn't have to plan out my story in advance or write an outline, because the scenes themselves because a sort of living outline on their own.

Ooh this next 2 are my favorite (mainly because I think it's something I struggle with

This also made it easier to let go of the notion that I had to write something exactly right the first time. (People always say you should do this, but how many of us do? It's harder than it sounds! I didn't want to commit to editing later! I didn't want to reread my work! XD) I know I'm going to edit it naturally anyway, so I can feel okay giving myself permission to just write it approximately right and I can fix it later.

GUYS GUYS SAMDOESART JUST DID A VIDEO ON THIS!! LIKE LITERALLY HE SAID AND I QUOTE (I think) "you make the best work when you don't have expectations" (example he made was drawing on your homework, and yk like you don't expect to make anything good but then you do because you didn't care, he explains it more susinctly)

3. Marinating in the headspace of the story.For the first two months I worked on [fic], I did not consume any media other than [fandom the fic is in]. I didn't watch, read, or play anything else. Not even mobile games. (And there wasn't really much fan content for [fandom] to consume either. Still isn't, really. XD) This basically forced me to treat writing my story as my only source of entertainment, and kept me from getting distracted or inspired to write other ideas and abandon this one.

This is why I draw tbh lol

As an aside, I don't think this is a necessary step for writing, but if you really want to be productive in a short burst, I do highly recommend going on a media consumption hiatus. Not forever, obviously! Consuming media is a valuable tool for new inspiration, and reading other's work (both good and bad, as long as you think critically to identify the differences!) is an invaluable resource for improving your writing.

side note this also means pacing yourself, not push yourself (hey that rymed)

Or you need to use the bathroom, eat something, or sleep. XD Seriously, if you're that stuck, assess your current physical condition. You might just be unable to focus because you're uncomfortable and you haven't realized it yet.

Inspiration isn't always linear, so writing doesn't have to be either!

Come back to me in like 8 hours I'm getting on a plane

How I learned to write smarter, not harder

(aka, how to write when you're hella ADHD lol)

A reader commented on my current long fic asking how I write so well. I replied with an essay of my honestly pretty non-standard writing advice (that they probably didn't actually want lol) Now I'm gonna share it with you guys and hopefully there's a few of you out there who will benefit from my past mistakes and find some useful advice in here. XD Since I started doing this stuff, which are all pretty easy changes to absorb into your process if you want to try them, I now almost never get writer's block.

The text of the original reply is indented, and I've added some additional commentary to expand upon and clarify some of the concepts.

As for writing well, I usually attribute it to the fact that I spent roughly four years in my late teens/early 20s writing text roleplay with a friend for hours every single day. Aside from the constant practice that provided, having a live audience immediately reacting to everything I wrote made me think a lot about how to make as many sentences as possible have maximum impact so that I could get that kind of fun reaction. (Which is another reason why comments like yours are so valuable to fanfic writers! <3) The other factors that have improved my writing are thus: 1. Writing nonlinearly. I used to write a whole story in order, from the first sentence onward. If there was a part I was excited to write, I slogged through everything to get there, thinking that it would be my reward once I finished everything that led up to that. It never worked. XD It was miserable. By the time I got to the part I wanted to write, I had beaten the scene to death in my head imagining all the ways I could write it, and it a) no longer interested me and b) could not live up to my expectations because I couldn't remember all my ideas I'd had for writing it. The scene came out mediocre and so did everything leading up to it. Since then, I learned through working on VN writing (I co-own a game studio and we have some visual novels that I write for) that I don't have to write linearly. If I'm inspired to write a scene, I just write it immediately. It usually comes out pretty good even in a first draft! But then I also have it for if I get more ideas for that scene later, and I can just edit them in. The scenes come out MUCH stronger because of this. And you know what else I discovered? Those scenes I slogged through before weren't scenes I had no inspiration for, I just didn't have any inspiration for them in that moment! I can't tell you how many times there was a scene I had no interest in writing, and then a week later I'd get struck by the perfect inspiration for it! Those are scenes I would have done a very mediocre job on, and now they can be some of the most powerful scenes because I gave them time to marinate. Inspiration isn't always linear, so writing doesn't have to be either!

Some people are the type that joyfully write linearly. I have a friend like this--she picks up the characters and just continues playing out the next scene. Her story progresses through the entire day-by-day lives of the characters; it never timeskips more than a few hours. She started writing and posting just eight months ago, she's about an eighth of the way through her planned fic timeline, and the content she has so far posted to AO3 for it is already 450,000 words long. But most of us are normal humans. We're not, for the most part, wired to create linearly. We consume linearly, we experience linearly, so we assume we must also create linearly. But actually, a lot of us really suffer from trying to force ourselves to create this way, and we might not even realize it. If you're the kind of person who thinks you need to carrot-on-a-stick yourself into writing by saving the fun part for when you finally write everything that happens before it: Stop. You're probably not a linear writer. You're making yourself suffer for no reason and your writing is probably suffering for it. At least give nonlinear writing a try before you assume you can't write if you're not baiting or forcing yourself into it!! Remember: Writing is fun. You do this because it's fun, because it's your hobby. If you're miserable 80% of the time you're doing it, you're probably doing it wrong!

2. Rereading my own work. I used to hate reading my own work. I wouldn't even edit it usually. I would write it and slap it online and try not to look at it again. XD Writing nonlinearly forced me to start rereading because I needed to make sure scenes connected together naturally and it also made it easier to get into the headspace of the story to keep writing and fill in the blanks and get new inspiration. Doing this built the editing process into my writing process--I would read a scene to get back in the headspace, dislike what I had written, and just clean it up on the fly. I still never ever sit down to 'edit' my work. I just reread it to prep for writing and it ends up editing itself. Many many scenes in this fic I have read probably a dozen times or more! (And now, I can actually reread my own work for enjoyment!) Another thing I found from doing this that it became easy to see patterns and themes in my work and strengthen them. Foreshadowing became easy. Setting up for jokes or plot points became easy. I didn't have to plan out my story in advance or write an outline, because the scenes themselves because a sort of living outline on their own. (Yes, despite all the foreshadowing and recurring thematic elements and secret hidden meanings sprinkled throughout this story, it actually never had an outline or a plan for any of that. It's all a natural byproduct of writing nonlinearly and rereading.)

Unpopular writing opinion time: You don't need to make a detailed outline.

Some people thrive on having an outline and planning out every detail before they sit down to write. But I know for a lot of us, we don't know how to write an outline or how to use it once we've written it. The idea of making one is daunting, and the advice that it's the only way to write or beat writer's block is demoralizing. So let me explain how I approach "outlining" which isn't really outlining at all.

I write in a Notion table, where every scene is a separate table entry and the scene is written in the page inside that entry. I do this because it makes writing nonlinearly VASTLY more intuitive and straightforward than writing in a single document. (If you're familiar with Notion, this probably makes perfect sense to you. If you're not, imagine something a little like a more contained Google Sheets, but every row has a title cell that opens into a unique Google Doc when you click on it. And it's not as slow and clunky as the Google suite lol) (Edit from the future: I answered an ask with more explanation on how I use Notion for non-linear writing here.) When I sit down to begin a new fic idea, I make a quick entry in the table for every scene I already know I'll want or need, with the entries titled with a couple words or a sentence that describes what will be in that scene so I'll remember it later. Basically, it's the most absolute bare-bones skeleton of what I vaguely know will probably happen in the story.

Then I start writing, wherever I want in the list. As I write, ideas for new scenes and new connections and themes will emerge over time, and I'll just slot them in between the original entries wherever they naturally fit, rearranging as necessary, so that I won't forget about them later when I'm ready to write them. As an example, my current long fic started with a list of roughly 35 scenes that I knew I wanted or needed, for a fic that will probably be around 100k words (which I didn't know at the time haha). As of this writing, it has expanded to 129 scenes. And since I write them directly in the page entries for the table, the fic is actually its own outline, without any additional effort on my part. As I said in the comment reply--a living outline!

This also made it easier to let go of the notion that I had to write something exactly right the first time. (People always say you should do this, but how many of us do? It's harder than it sounds! I didn't want to commit to editing later! I didn't want to reread my work! XD) I know I'm going to edit it naturally anyway, so I can feel okay giving myself permission to just write it approximately right and I can fix it later. And what I found from that was that sometimes what I believed was kind of meh when I wrote it was actually totally fine when I read it later! Sometimes the internal critic is actually wrong. 3. Marinating in the headspace of the story. For the first two months I worked on [fic], I did not consume any media other than [fandom the fic is in]. I didn't watch, read, or play anything else. Not even mobile games. (And there wasn't really much fan content for [fandom] to consume either. Still isn't, really. XD) This basically forced me to treat writing my story as my only source of entertainment, and kept me from getting distracted or inspired to write other ideas and abandon this one.

As an aside, I don't think this is a necessary step for writing, but if you really want to be productive in a short burst, I do highly recommend going on a media consumption hiatus. Not forever, obviously! Consuming media is a valuable tool for new inspiration, and reading other's work (both good and bad, as long as you think critically to identify the differences!) is an invaluable resource for improving your writing.

When I write, I usually lay down, close my eyes, and play the scene I'm interested in writing in my head. I even take a ten-minute nap now and then during this process. (I find being in a state of partial drowsiness, but not outright sleepiness, makes writing easier and better. Sleep helps the brain process and make connections!) Then I roll over to the laptop next to me and type up whatever I felt like worked for the scene. This may mean I write half a sentence at a time between intervals of closed-eye-time XD

People always say if you're stuck, you need to outline.

What they actually mean by that (whether they realize it or not) is that if you're stuck, you need to brainstorm. You need to marinate. You don't need to plan what you're doing, you just need to give yourself time to think about it!

What's another framing for brainstorming for your fic? Fantasizing about it! Planning is work, but fantasizing isn't.

You're already fantasizing about it, right? That's why you're writing it. Just direct that effort toward the scenes you're trying to write next! Close your eyes, lay back, and fantasize what the characters do and how they react.

And then quickly note down your inspirations so you don't forget, haha.

And if a scene is so boring to you that even fantasizing about it sucks--it's probably a bad scene.

If it's boring to write, it's going to be boring to read. Ask yourself why you wanted that scene. Is it even necessary? Can you cut it? Can you replace it with a different scene that serves the same purpose but approaches the problem from a different angle? If you can't remove the troublesome scene, what can you change about it that would make it interesting or exciting for you to write?

And I can't write sitting up to save my damn life. It's like my brain just stops working if I have to sit in a chair and stare at a computer screen. I need to be able to lie down, even if I don't use it! Talking walks and swinging in a hammock are also fantastic places to get scene ideas worked out, because the rhythmic motion also helps our brain process. It's just a little harder to work on a laptop in those scenarios. XD

In conclusion: Writing nonlinearly is an amazing tool for kicking writer's block to the curb. There's almost always some scene you'll want to write. If there isn't, you need to re-read or marinate.

Or you need to use the bathroom, eat something, or sleep. XD Seriously, if you're that stuck, assess your current physical condition. You might just be unable to focus because you're uncomfortable and you haven't realized it yet.

Anyway! I hope that was helpful, or at least interesting! XD Sorry again for the text wall. (I think this is the longest comment reply I've ever written!)

And same to you guys on tumblr--I hope this was helpful or at least interesting. XD Reblogs appreciated if so! (Maybe it'll help someone else!)

[amalugoingboldly]

Writers Tag

I was tagged by @berrystartrekkingwithsuperlock to do the following: 

Rules: Go to page 7 of a WIP, skip to the 7thline, share 7 sentences, and tag 7 more writes to continue the challenge!

So, I shall do the thing - but I don’t know other Trek Writers here on Tumblr, so I’ll leave the tags open :) If you write Trek, you follow me and see this, consider yourself tagged, I guess? 

Also, I’m working on like a billion fic right now, so I’ll drop a couple of excerpts here for the fun of it :) 

If the seventh sentence is halfway through a thought, I’ma add the eighth. This is technically cheating, but I’m not sure I care lol 

---

A: Stitch [AOS!Push AU]

Spock glances up at him and Leonard looks away, avoiding his eyes and his assessing gaze both. He folds his arms over his chest, knowing even as he does it that it’s a dead give away to how he feels.

“Why are you hiding in the underbelly of San Francisco, Doctor?”

Leonard snorts and scowls, “None’a your damn business.”

“Whuh.”

They both turn as Jim wakes, shifts on the table, his eyes fluttering open.

“Ow. Fuck, Bones, that fuckin’ hurt.”

---

B: [Academy era - Kinky!AF untitled NSFW/NC17]

He presses hard and deep into Jim, hips digging into Jim's ass hard enough to bruise, and comes with a low groan, painting Jim's insides with spurt after spurt, emptying into the tight clench of Jim’s body. Aftershocks tingle through his system and he doesn't move, stays buried, keeps pressing kisses and nibbling bites to the fresh hickies on Jim's shoulders as his heart rate slows and his skin cools.

“God, I don't wanna move,” Jim whispers into the silence, fingers fiddling with Leonard's, his hole clenching tight as if to hold him there and making them both sigh.  

But Leonard has plans so he pulls his right hand out from under Jim, gently disentangles his left from Jim's - Jim protests with a whine - and, careful not to move his hips where his softening cock is still locked inside Jim, he reaches back into the drawer. Jim's looking the other way so he doesn't see exactly what Leonard's bought.  

“Darlin’,” he presses the endearment into Jim’s skin as he leans back down over him briefly. “I gotta surprise for ya. Stay still for me?”

---

C: Through Everything Together [Academy through Beyond H/C - Ch.4, I selected a random 7 sentences because the entire fic is in one document and I’ve published Ch.1-3 already, so this excerpt is from like page 13]

A group of cadets jostle him as they pass and his bag slips off his shoulder; he’s pretty sure that was one of Finnegan’s lot, still at him, even now, despite Finnegan himself having been dishonorably washed out. He pauses to right it, and when he starts moving again he walks smack into a woman in clinic scrubs, “Oh! Sorry.”

The woman rights herself with a huff, briefly touches her platinum blond hair, then pauses and looks at him, “Kirk? Jim Kirk?”

Jim blinks and hopes to god this isn’t one of those ‘your father was a hero’ conversations, that’s what usually happens when he’s recognised by someone he doesn’t know; he pulls on the charming smile just in case. “That’s me, ma’am. Can I help you?”

“Christine Chapel, and yes. Leonard,” she pauses again, glances over her shoulder and Jim, recognising her name from stories Bones has told about the clinic, loses the false charm in a heartbeat, nearly grabs her to ask what’s happened to Bones as his good cheer disappears.

---

D. He Who Came And Never Left [Augment!Kirk AU - another random selection, because this chapter is only 3 pages long so far oh no]

He’s deigning to take some notes - he’ll pass the exams, he always does, he can do most of them in his goddamn sleep, but showing willing in the actual lecture can’t hurt - when a comm comes through with a quiet notification. The cadet next to him frowns at him again, but he ignores her and thumbs the comm open.

He reads in silent consternation, eyebrows rising until he snorts and rubs the bridge of his nose. “Goddamnit, Jim.”

This time the cadet next to him actually shushes him and he gives her the full force of his glare, wishing he could tell her to back off. Instead he bites his tongue as she quails under the full force of his irritation and turns back to the lecturer again.

Apparently the kid has figured out how to work the computers and has been trying to access both their medical information and historical documents. Looks like they’re going to have to bring that conversation with a psychologist forward. He’s not surprised - if Jim is what he thinks, the kid has far more brains than anyone suspects.

[cqlfeels]

What do you think of people hating on LXC because he said wwx was lwj's only mistake? (Don't want to start flames but I want someone to support lxc's point of view in this because he's also valid)

I’m trying really hard to find a way to answer this without awaking the disk horse, let’s see if I can manage it.

Also anon I took forever to answer you and then proceeded to write way, way too much, so I’m doubly sorry!

I’m going to focus on the novel because I feel like LXC’s arc is much more nuanced (and therefore easier to misunderstand) in the novel.

From a meta standpoint, LXC plays a really interesting role a few times, which I’m sure has an actual name for people who study literature but I can’t think of it right now so I’ll call mentor-antagonist. He’s a mentor because he consistently guides WWX towards understanding LWJ - which, surprise surprise, it’s an important thing in a romance. But he’s an antagonist because he just as consistently puts himself in the role of LWJ’s protector. From the first time we meet him, all the way to Guanyin, LXC keeps saying with increasing clarity and frustration “This is how much my brother loves you - do you love him back just as much?” He informs WWX of what LWJ won’t say, but he puts a price to LWJ’s affection where LWJ actually puts none. LWJ is trying to say “I love you no matter what, even if you never love me back” but LXC keeps translating it to WWX as “LWJ’s love is entirely selfless, and what are you doing to deserve it?”

Even the very first time we meet him - who is LXC pointing out LWJ is in a good mood for? Maybe in-universe it’s just a passing comment, but as a reader, it’s hard not to think in hindsight that maybe introducing the guy who gatekeeps LWJ’s heart by having him say “You make LWJ unusually happy, and you’re literally screaming and crying to get away from him” miiiiiiight have future implications.

WWX is constantly shocked that LWJ can stand him, let alone love him, and LXC is almost an externalization of that. I mean, that’s an oversimplification, he has his own agenda and everything, but when LXC says “You don’t deserve my brother” and WWX answers back “I don’t care, I want him and I’ve always wanted him even when I deserved it even less than I do now” that feels like an incredible character moment because that is the thing WWX struggles with.

And I feel like that’s why people get so, so mad about this. WWX saying to JZX “You don’t deserve my sister” in every adaptation? lol yeah he’s right. But we’re meant to identify with WWX, and LXC is just (metaphorically) shouting every single one of WWX’s insecurities at him, and that’s very hurtful, even though we know LXC loves LWJ more than anything. So I feel that people take issue with this not because of LXC’s actual words, but because they feel the urge to protect WWX, which only shows what a great writer MXTX is.

As for why LXC would say this... well, why wouldn’t he? I mean, we Know how WWX feels and we also know the reasons behind his actions, but from an outsider’s perspective, all WWX has ever done in the novel (which is very different from the drama, and in the drama LXC is much warmer towards WWX as a consequence of that) is hurt LWJ over and over and over and over. If LWJ were my brother and I knew his love was as intense as it is, I’m not sure that I also wouldn’t be upset that someone seems to take advantage of it when it’s convenient and walk away when it’s not. LXC doesn’t have the benefit of seeing the ways in which WWX makes LWJ’s life better, but he’s always the one picking up the pieces after LWJ ends up heartbroken for the 4378492th time, so of course his idea of WWX skews towards the negative. And I mean... whenever he tells WWX to Do Better WWX misunderstands everything and Does Worse. Of course LXC is frustrated. It’s no one’s fault, it’s just that LXC doesn’t have all the info, nor does WWX. That’s kind of the theme of the novel.

Anyway, the tl;dr is that I don’t think people who hate on LXC for that moment can be convinced not to by being shown LXC’s POV, because the issue is, imho, about overidentifying with WWX and being understandably hurt when LXC says something hurtful. But I totally get that some people read romance with the purpose of projecting onto the main character, so I’m not about to say identification is bad or anything. I think (a lot of) these people engage with the novel in a way fundamentally different from the way I do,* so I’m not sure there’s much profit in trying to convert one another to The One Correct Interpretation.

* I don’t want to overgeneralize, though. It’s entirely possible to dislike LXC in general or in this moment for reasons other than this, this is just what seems most common in my experience, but it might not even be the most common attitude! But I can’t speak of what I have no experience with, so I’m limiting the scope to the circles of fandom I’m in.

[diabolikpersonals]

Do you think shuuma has anything in common?

oh yeah!! oh yeah. here's some thoughts. (I'm kind of loopy from a booster shot when writing this so if it doesnt make sense then pls forgive me lol)

It feels almost too obvious to say, but I'll start by pointing out that the starting point of shuuma's story has to do with the fact that they have a shared history together but they're on unequal grounds about it. They are two kids in the same place who should've gotten along just fine, but there was the separation of species and class that messed everything up for them. You could even say that they share trauma about it, although it manifests itself differently: Shu who can't forget and Yuma who can't remember.

I thought it was really interesting that both Shu and Yuma have alternate names and they become a mark of how, like, they know each other better than anyone else. Shu knows that Yuma used to be Edgar, but he doesn't identify with this anymore. Yuma knows that Shu's "real" name is Lilie, because Shu told him in secret. With a gender lens (and u know I love the lens of gender n sexuality when analyzing media lmao) you could say that they know each other's deadnames. So, the fact that they both have deadnames is something in common.

How about refusal to ask for help, or trouble communicating when they're feeling bad? What's so funny about this one is that Yuma criticizes Shu for this, like "You always hold back when you're upset, I told you that you can just talk to your brothers or me if you need help!!" but then Yuma can't communicate well when he's upset either. (I love the Yuma LE scene where Yui is like "Can't you both just talk about your feelings? Should I just do the talking for you?" lmao literally what would we do without her)

SELF-SACRIFICE!!!!! GOD!!!!!!! these guys can't go a single route without taking a knife for somebody else. Particularly for each other. Yuma setting his own house on fire to get Shu and Yui together, Shu trying his best to hand off Yui to Yuma as some kind of reparations, Yuma getting his ass sent to snake jail and then nearly being beheaded to make things easier on Shu, Shu starting a whole war to save Yuma.......it just keeps HAPPENING and thats why these fuckers DIE SO OFTEN in their bf's routes like come on. cut it out. make them stop

On a lighter note, I really enjoy that they have totally different tastes in food but because of their past together, the venn diagram of the food they like has "apples" right in the center. That's so cute. Shu's like "yeah I only like meat basically, who needs fruits and vegetables?" until Yuma gives him a fruit and Shu's like "yes I love this one <3"

Shu keeps it a secret more than Yuma does, but they both love the Sakamaki and Mukami families so much, I wanted to include this too :')

Both proud leaders of the Ghouls Rights Movement. (this is important to ME ok)

[baltears]

hello spookyshai!! its cool if u dont want to, but i was wonderin if you'd elaborate on what you like about william? i just like thinking about/mentally rewriting westworld and its characters in my free time, and your fascination with william's got me fascinated, mostly bc i see him as a stinky bastard. so obvs you'd definitely have a more nuanced take on him, which i'd also like to develop for the imaginary westworld rewrite fic that i'm never going to write ;)) regardless if u answer or not, just wanted to say i'm a fan of your blog and i hope you're havin a good day!!

omg so first of all thank you so so much for sending this, especially asking unprompted about a character you don't even like and giving me a chance to explain my feelings about him which is just incredibly cool of you. i love and am obsessed with william so giving me any excuse to talk about him at length is like gifting me $1000. if you want to know more about my meta thoughts about him after reading this, (I'm gonna talk A Lot – sorry – but i can't possibly get through everything because he's just a very complicated guy and it's a very dense show), you can always look in my william tag. I have a lot of text posts about him, but I also often talk a lot in the tags of my own posts as well as reblogs. This is gonna be a lot of totally disorganized and unedited infodumping of a lot of different meta, but i've talked about all of it at length elsewhere too and I can also totally elaborate more if you have any specific questions (you could send another ask if you wanted, but also feel free to just message me about it anytime). I'll do my best not to get too emotional (lol) but it'll be tough because this character is so close to my heart. but I'll try!

this is a huge wall of text lol so i'll also be adding more bold and italics than i normally would just to make it a little easier to read.

so first of all let's be clear, he completely is a stinky bastard. he is a horrible, awful, faithless, pathetic specimen of a man. not liking him is totally justified. just wanted to get that out of the way. personally I think not liking anything for any reason is totally valid and justified, but there are certainly good reasons why a lot of people don't like william. he is not a good dude, at least not after a certain point. No one is obligated to relate to him, empathize with him, feel bad for him, whatever... like, no one's obligated to like anything, but especially this guy. sometimes people can get a little shirty about the fact that i do, like me liking him means i think they have to. I don't think that. I do love finding other william stans, and i am very unapologetic and open about my love for him, but him being widely hated makes complete sense to me.

sigh like why i love him so much though… it's kind of hard to even put into words. on one level it's just extremely personal, like, there are a lot of things about him that i really resonate with and identify with, although I know that sounds weird (it's definitely gotten some very shocked reactions before, lol). i'm a villain liker in general, i tend to be able to relate to those types of characters easily and it kind of takes a lot for me to really dislike one on a personal level (though that's true of any sort of character, i just tend to like the majority of the characters in any work that i genuinely enjoy regardless of how shitty they are – to me the only truly bad thing a character can be is annoying, like, the kind of annoying where you just want them off your screen). Characters being any degree of evil or shitty or problematic doesn't bug me at all, personally, I tend to feel no deep internal urge to have them 'held accountable' for the things they do, unless they exist in a narrative that genuinely doesn't seem to understand that they are in the wrong, which does irritate me when it happens. But anyway, I don't want to get too oversharey but there's definitely a very high level of just personal resonance to the character for me in terms of the kinds of conflicts he has, the things he struggles with, the dominant emotions of his life, etc. so that's part of it. also though he's just… a very complex and beautifully constructed piece of character work, so I also love him just on a technical level as a writer.

He has such incredible significance in the story too, being the thematic representative of humanity, both to dolores and to the wider narrative – his capabilities for good and evil are humanity's capabilities for good and evil, right. Dolores' opinion of humanity and feelings towards humanity are very colored by her opinion of him and her feelings towards him, and thematically their relationship is sort of a microcosm of the broader relationship between hosts and humanity and very much a central piece of the narrative. Even when it's out of direct focus it's being constantly referenced and pointed back to, such as with the caleb storyline in season 3 – caleb himself is basically one big callback to william in s3, parallels out the wazoo, and his function of turning around dolores' opinion on humans is very much related to him reminding her of william – hence why her storyline in season 3 ends with her remarking on how her memories of william as a young man indicate to her that humanity is capable of goodness, because caleb's capacity to choose echoes william's capacity to choose, caleb's goodness echoes william's goodness, it all goes back to that, etc.

So… I guess I'll just jump in lol. William's Thing, the fulcrum of his character, the main feeling or sentiment that underlies all of his evil actions and kind of his general turn away from the kind and gentle person he used to be, is alienation, right. He lives his whole life (as he tells dolores in 1x07) not fitting in anywhere, not making connections anywhere, not having any sort of community or any experience with love or companionship of any kind… he's just been totally alone and alienated his entire life. like, the closest thing he had to a friend was logan, and he hates logan. I think this is the major thing people miss about him – there's this perception that his turning evil was out of some form of entitlement, that he was just angry that this woman he liked didn't like him back and it's just an issue of wounded masculinity, but to me that completely misses the mark. Like yes wounded masculinity is a piece of his character (the way he performs and weaponizes masculinity in general is… really fascinating, I'll go into a bit more detail about it, but the kind of showy machismo that he displays is definitely a tool that he intentionally developed for his own use rather than a really integral part of who he is) but it's not at all the core emotion happening there.

To William, Dolores was not only a person he was in love with or a person he was attracted to. She was also his first and only genuine human connection ever. She was his first true friend, she was his first love, she was the first suggestion anywhere in his life that it was even possible at all for him to experience a sort of deep mutual understanding and care, that somebody could actually genuinely see him and let him see them. He literally just had not ever experienced any level of real emotional intimacy before, which is a feeling i actually think a lot of people relate to if they grew up feeling very lonely. And then ultimately not only was that relationship taken away, but it was kind of retroactively deleted. When he saw her again back in sweetwater, his thought was not, "i don't have this relationship anymore," but "i never had this relationship," and further, "the single person i've ever thought i could have this kind of relationship with is actually not capable of having any kind of relationship with anyone, including me, and i literally just made all of this up in my head." After losing Dolores he is not just sad and lonely – he literally comes to the conclusion that he can never have any kind of intimate human connection or be genuinely loved, ever, because the one person in his entire life he thought he connected with is not even a person at all, but just a thing. It's very much a rug pull moment on a level that's hard to describe, it kind of takes some thought-experimenting to get to that emotional place because it's a level of shock and hurt and betrayal and like, paradigm-shifting that most of us don't regularly experience (which I think might be part of the reason why a lot of people don't seem to really understand his character or be able to parse what's going on with him emotionally). Suffice it to say it's a wound deep enough that he was pretty much never going to recover from it.

After that happens he is completely destabilized, he loses all sense of meaning and self, and he never gets a grip on it again. He had totally reconstructed his idea of his life to include the genuine possibility of meaning, and meaningful relationships, when he met Dolores. And with the loss of her, all of that suddenly went away and he basically was just left with nothing. So that alienation that he grew up with is now not just a part of his life, not just a thing that he suffers from, but he starts to feel that it's inherent to him and that it comes from him, which is partly why we start getting all the anti-social behavior he displays later in life. He develops and kind of fosters that lack of empathy in himself not because he's truly incapable of empathy (as we see when he's a young man and at a couple of later points here and there, he is in fact very capable of it) but because he feels fundamentally cut off from other people – he can't reach them and they can't reach him.

So that fundamental sense of alienation is really what informs 90% of the things he does after that point. He starts building this persona, inside and outside the park. The real world feels meaningless to him at this point because the only hint of meaning he's ever had in his life was in the park, so he buys the park, and simultaneously starts trying to "win" at life in the real world like he would in the park. The real world honestly doesn't feel any more real to him than the park does, he just knows rationally that it's different and so he behaves differently outside the park… he builds all this wealth and power for himself, he becomes a famous philanthropist. Inside the park he starts creating this character for himself, this sort of hyper-masculine, hyper-competent, totally emotionally composed, merciless, badass villain. And he makes a very concerted effort to stay in this persona as often as he can.

It's all a performance, though, right. As early as 1x05 we have Ford pointing out (to his face! legend) that his barely-hidden desperation to find meaning in the park is giving the game away. In that flashback near the end of 2x02 we get a glimpse of what's underneath, because he's performing this cold, heartless persona in front of Dolores literally while his voice is shaking because he's having to try hard not to start crying as he's talking to her. Deep down he is still very wounded, he still loves her, he still desperately wishes deep down (as jimmi simpson explained) for her to just tell him that all of it was real, for her to be real and truly be a person the way he thought she was. When he's an older man that wish is still in there, it's just been buried very deep, covered up with a lot of other things, twisted. But it's always there, it's his most closely held desire, the only thing he truly wants, and it comes out all the time in the things he does. All his tormenting of dolores, and especially his desire to make the park "real" in order to find meaning – that's that. That sense of deep confusion that's always there in his character too, the constant inner monologue of "who am I, what does this mean, does anything mean anything, what is real or not real, what is going on," that's that too, that's his destabilized sense of self and reality and meaning that came out of losing Dolores. And by this point he has also come to feel, as he says in 2x09 to his wife, that there is something very fundamentally wrong with him, in a way that's kind of at odds with how we as the audience have historically understood him.

The thing is, we saw him be a kind, loving, gentle, thoughtful person. He certainly was not perfect, for instance his later narcissism started out as a sort of basic self-centeredness, but he was a fundamentally good-hearted person who put most of his energy into trying to do the right thing. But he starts saying that he feels like that wasn't the real him, that he thinks deep down he was evil and poisonous all along, that his turn to darkness was inevitable, and that there's a sort of helplessness to his evil. There's this deep sense of shame that permeates his character along with his loneliness and alienation and resentment. He hates everything, he hates the world, but above all he hates himself – kind of amusing considering the god complex he's developed over time. But that really does seem to be the underlying emotion, that he truly thinks that deep down he was always bad. It's very heavily implied that his philanthropy outside the park and his attention to his family, his kind of good-guy persona, is something that he constructed to try and make up for his true nature, and all but stated that he doesn't feel like he's succeeded. To him, no amount of good he does will ever balance his level of evil, evil that as he says doesn't come from anything he's done but something deeper than that, something immutable, something he is. So that's why we eventually have him getting to the point of going "I might as well not bother with this anymore. I might as well just be evil, because I can't change what I am."

I've also said in other posts that the things Juliet says to him come off as obviously abusive. Like, she's technically correct that there's some sinister things going on with his private life, but listen to how she says it. You're a virus, not a person, a thing that mindlessly infects and destroys and has no other purpose. And he agrees with her! He doesn't question it at all, he just says, yes, you're exactly right, I'm not a human being with good and bad attributes, or potential to do both right and wrong. I'm a virus. Like, again, I know people get weird about having empathy for villain characters, there's the whole "cool motive, still murder," thing, because we don't want to be excusing anyone's bad actions with a sad backstory (personally I don't really care, but I understand where the concern comes from). But when he said that to Juliet it just… like I don't know how else to put it, it broke my heart. He really believes that about himself. And later he starts to question it because he's not sure anymore if he actually chose to do any of the things he did… but the way his hallucination of Emily puts it, these are his two options: you are evil, or you had no choice. One or the other. He never puts aside the idea that he is a monster that does not deserve to live, and his suicidality persists from season one (when he encourages Dolores to shoot him in the head and reacts with honest disappointment when she can't) to the end of season four when he actually does manage to engineer his own death. He is deeply, agonizingly, pathetically miserable existing the way that he is, he seems to see his even being allowed to live at all as some sort of cosmic injustice. But he doesn't know how to change back to the way he was.

All that having happened, though, we also keep getting these repeated suggestions in the story that he actually is still capable of goodness somewhere in there. The narrative keeps asking what William is exactly, what his fundamental nature is, and keeps refusing to land on one answer, instead choosing to keep things ambiguous in a way that would be sort of odd for your garden variety villain. In 2x04 we see him experiencing regret, feeling empathy and pain on behalf of others, and acting genuinely heroic, only to later backtrack and say it didn't mean anything. In 2x09 Emily tells him he is in his essence "a lie" but makes no attempt to locate what the "truth" of him would then be. In 3x06 he tries to figure out the answer to what's going on with him again only to decide he still doesn't really know, in 3x08 we get this reminder that he still stands for Dolores as a representation of both humanity's evil and its goodness, in 4x05 when his host duplicate asks him what he is, he says "Jury's still out." He is too far down his current path to turn back, but he still does not and cannot definitively and finally choose evil, because despite his self-loathing it seems like he senses deep down that his other side is still in there. All that to say I think he's getting a redemption arc in season 5, if we get a season 5 – season 5 is supposed to be the do-over season, and the character who most desperately needs and could most benefit from a do-over is William.

Um, closing thoughts… I think he's really funny. Sometimes intentionally, like, I do laugh at his little quippy comments, but I also just think it's really funny how pathetic he is and what a mess he is and how he basically imploded his entire life on accident. I do feel a lot of very genuine care and empathy for him (obviously), but he's also such a garbage fire of a human being that you sometimes just have to laugh. He's just my funny little guy, also he sucks, also I love him and he's my lil angel, also he's the worst man ever in history and deserves to be drawn and quartered (said with love). You get it. :) There's dimensions.

Trying to think of other characterization notes for your imaginary fic… oh, did you notice he puts on an accent in the park? He does this fake Southern drawl when he's playing his park character, but it's not his real accent and he drops it at other times, kind of like how Dolores sometimes does or doesn't use her "rancher's daughter" accent when she's being Wyatt in season 2. Uh… Total nerd, at heart, seeing as "all he had as a kid were books." (I kind of suspect that childhood memory might not have been totally real, by the way… made a post about that recently that's a little ways down in my tag if you're interested.)

There are more things I could say, but I think I've probably gone on long enough for the one ask lol so I'll cut it off here. Thank you again, so much, for sending this. I hope you enjoyed and got something out of this response, but if not I still do very much appreciate you asking and being curious. I hope you had a great day too!

[rigelmejo]

Random things.

1. I read an article about a guy who learned 2000 Chinese words from memrise then dove into reading with Pleco to help and it took him not very long like 1-2 years. I pretty much attempted to do what he did (but I read less graded readers, pushed into webnovels faster, read a quick explanation of the radicals and hanzi construction that took a couple hours to digest, and did one Tuttle Learn Chinese Characters 800 hanzi book and read a grammar guide, I did the Ben Whatley memrise decks like him but otherwise did my own study books/websites plan). And the thing was? It worked. He took 30 ish hours and I took Maybe 20 hours to read the Tuttle book slowly, 4 hours to read a grammar guide, and a combined probably 30 hours like him (2 weeks for the first 1000 then over a month period for the 2nd thousand). So maybe 54 hours for me to prepare for reading and recognizing 2000 words and a decent number of hanzi, which was enough to push into webnovel reading with tools like Pleco.

I learned from the experience: learning is easier than people like to make it out to be (people sometimes love to paint chinese and Japanese as Incredibly Difficult and like you won't be reading novels for 4-5 years if even then, unless you study 6 hours a day.... for reference I studied generally 1-2 hours a day on average and only got to around HSK 3-4 when I started reading at 5 months in, and Japanese I am only like N4-N3 level and beginning to read and I only studied 15-30 minutes a day on average so a very doable 1-2 hours a day would make someone reach reading faster than my 5 year point lol). And also if I challenge myself to do what someone else did. Sometimes it works out

2. There's a LOT of free reading app tools for chinese. Don't feel you have to buy a paid one like LingQ or Readibu (though if you like the paid ones and they suit you please enjoy them). Pleco is phenomenal (and added Google translate for sentences so it officially handles both words ans sentences like Readibus paid version, also can read words and text aloud and has a built in srs flashcard and wordlisr system if you want it), Idiom is free (and has youtube videos with click dictionaries too, does read aloud, word translation, webpage reading, but not ideal translations - same quality translation as LingQ), Mandarinspot.com (for computer and phone/tablet web browser, does good translations and pinyin - good for people who would like pinyin), Zhongwen extension (for computer only but quite good, similar to MandarinspReading. Also depending on your phone, if you have Google translate app you can highlight any word/sentence etc when reading and get a definition - its Google translate so not perfect quality but as good as Readibu or LingQ but free. Again, with Google translate on your phone, these click translations should work in reader apps like Moonreader+ too. In addition some reader apps have built in dictionaries (I had Kybook reader for ios before and it was excellent, Kindle app has built in dictionaries which is nice, Moonreader+ can import dictionaries I think). Then paid options like LingQ, Readibu. So you don't have to wait until you're a strong reader to start. Click dictionary tools make it easier to look up words quickly as you read.

3. Not an ideal tip for everyone but. Pleco and Google Translate have hanzi writing recognition for lookup. I find Google translate tends to struggle less to identify hanzi even if you write them in the wrong stroke order (though the closer your stroke order is to correct the easier these apps recognize the hanzi you mean). When watching a show, handwriting lookup in apps is convenient when you don't know the pinyin. Google translate has a camera feature for word lookup for print books, or a paused screen with chinese subs. These are quick options to see if you roughly got the gist. When reading manhua, the handwriting lookup option helps if you don't have a guess of the pinyin. And as your pronunciation gets better, speaking word lookup works great for fast lookups (but beware if a novel writer or show says a really bizarre phrase then Google translate tends to assume you meant something less uncommon, in which case sometimes hanzi by hanzi input either writing, speaking, typing etc is easier).

[makeste]

So you mentioned you had this theory about AfO giving Shigaraki his Quirk, and having a more...direct influence on his backstory. Was there a previous post about this theory I could read, or if not, do you mind elaborating on it?

I’ve talked about it a bit here and there (for instance in my chapter recaps for chapters 235 through 237, and in posts like this one), but I haven’t really summarized it all together yet, so I’ll give you the short version, since I have no idea when I’ll finally get around to writing up the long version never mind lol this turned out long enough that we might as well just designate it the long version and call it a day. anyways, the basic idea is that there are far too many coincidences in Tenko’s traumatic backstory for me to believe that they are anything other than planned -- particularly since every last one of those coincidences directly benefits AFO in some way.

the fact that Tenko -- who oddly enough had been diagnosed as quirkless right up until the point where he suddenly wasn’t -- just happened to develop the perfect quirk to ensure that he would accidentally kill his entire family.

the fact that this quirk also doesn’t seem to have anything to do with either of his parents’ quirks. not that we ever saw said quirks, admittedly, but we know Kotarou’s quirk likely had something to do with Float because of genetics. and also we saw both parents touch things with all five fingers, so we know that neither of them has a touch-based quirk like the one Tenko spontaneously developed. hence the assumption that Tenko’s quirk was a mutation. but if so it’s an extremely convenient one.

the fact that all of this shit happens to their yard and house,

and not a single soul turns up to investigate. no neighbors, no cops, no heroes -- nobody. it’s not like they didn’t have neighbors, either!

it’s Japan, lol, everyone’s right on top of one another and nobody has any personal space. you can see the two neighboring houses only a few yards away on either side. and yet nobody in either of those homes heard or saw anything?? no one turned up afterwards curious about what had happened, and looking for the family?

the fact that not a single person stops Tenko on the street other than that one old lady. no one else spares so much as a glance. you could argue they were all too afraid and/or all just figured “someone else will take care of it”, which of course is exactly what Tomura thought happened as well. but putting aside the depressingly pessimistic nature of that take (and the fact that there have been actual studies conducted that show that the so-called bystander effect is actually bullshit), even if we assume that this is that one-in-ten situation where no one was willing to help, the fact that no one was even nosy enough to investigate further, and there were absolutely no heroes or other authorities in the area even after the incident at his house (again, you’re telling me no one was out there searching for the missing family?) -- all of that absolutely screams tampering to me. there’s just no way.

the fact that out of all the people who could have finally discovered him, it just happened to be AFO, and he just happened to already know exactly what had happened. (and for that matter, the fact that Ujiko made it to the crime scene in time to gather up all of the family remains and wasn’t caught or interfered with.)

and last but not least, the fact that the child who experienced all of this extraordinarily convenient misfortune just so happened to be the grandson of AFO’s arch-enemy.

so yeah. just one extremely improbable event on top of another. and now add to that the fact that all of these crazy coincidences just so happen to line up perfectly with AFO’s goals:

he wants an heir whom he can raise up as his pawn to eventually defeat OFA.

he needs that heir to harbor an extraordinarily powerful hatred.

while this is still unconfirmed, it’s heavily implied that said heir would need to be quirkless in order to be an ideal vessel for AFO (AFO probably figured this out a good deal sooner than the OFA vestiges because he has a lot more experience with forcing quirks onto other people).

this isn’t a requirement per se, but it sure is a nice bonus if that heir just so happens to be a close blood relation of one of the OFA successors whose lives he’s so determined to thoroughly destroy.

so how exactly does one go about cultivating a strong enough hatred to defeat one’s annoying brother and his persistently stubborn quirk? easy!

(1) identify a suitable target child (preferably one who’s the grandson of your hated enemy). preferably very young so that they’re easier to mold in your image, and also because it’s important for them to have not developed a quirk yet.

(2) ensure that the child is quirkless (this is easily done if you’re a guy who has the ability to steal quirks).

(3) keep close tabs on the child (whose father you’ve indirectly traumatized by killing his mother years and years ago, leading to his taking it out on his own children years later) and wait until you feel like the time is right.

(4) give the child a new deadly and uncontrollable quirk.

(5) sit back and wait for the slaughter.

(6) ensure via one of your many quirks and/or your numerous connections as the head of the criminal underworld that no authorities show up to rescue the child in the aftermath, or to basically investigate the crime scene in any way. same goes for the people on the street the next morning.

(7) wait until the child is good and traumatized and at his most vulnerable, then come to his rescue, and also make sure to point out how none of the heroes cared enough to bother.

and then the rest we basically already know lol. AFO gives him his family’s hands to ensure that the trauma stays fresh, and repeatedly drills into Tenko’s head the idea that he is a born killer, and that he can only find peace in destruction. he raises him to despise heroes in general and All Might in particular. all so that he will grow up to become AFO’s perfect vessel.

tl;dr, it was all AFO from start to finish. everything that the adult Tomura believes about heroes and society and even about himself, he believes because AFO carefully implanted, reinforced, and nurtured those beliefs in him. and that is precisely why Deku isn’t wrong when he senses that Tenko is still in there somewhere, and that he can still be saved. the key to Tomura remaining under AFO’s control is that he continues to believe AFO’s great lie that the tragedy of his life was inevitable, and was the heroes’ fault. but if and when he ever discovers the true extent of AFO’s involvement in every aspect of his childhood misfortune, whatever remains of that control is going to shatter completely, and once again AFO’s own arrogance will potentially be his downfall. it’s all well and good to go about creating monsters for your own personal gain -- until they finally come knocking on your own door. I for one would love to see Tomura be the one to personally deliver the final blow. but we’ll see!

[blackradandmad]

why blippi is rotting yr children's brains

preface: i literally expect no one to read this. it is an essay length, strong opinion piece critiquing a niche youtube-based children's show that i don't expect most of y'all to even have knowledge of lol. but like, i promise that even if you know nothing about what i'm talking about, in my incredibly, super humble opinion, it's a good piece of writing and interesting nonetheless. anyway if you read this whole thing for some reason yr really hot and we should kiss.

i thoroughly vet everything my child watches before he watches it, episode by episode. and we rarely watch youtube for entertainment; we usually just look up educational videos when he has a question about something and wants more detail than i can provide him. and that's mainly because children's content on youtube is so fucking troubling and distressing. i don't judge parents who give their children a tablet at a restaurant at all bc i've been there and sometimes it's easier on everyone to just put on a video and avoid a giant scene, but i do judge parents who just leave their children alone with youtube kids on autoplay.

take stevin john, a literal millionaire who got famous from dressing up as a silly character called blippi and going on tours of places like aquariums, zoos, construction sites, etc and posting it on youtube. this has branched into a whole empire of blippi videos, hulu shows and specials, live shows and tours (that he outsources to another character actor), merchandise and so on. this 30-something year old man cites his main influence as being mr. rogers, but i question if he's ever even seen an episode of that program.

mr. rogers had no background in early childhood development or media production, but he revolutionized the world of children's media, because he respected his audience and didn't shy away from real world situations, all while creating a show with an enormous heart. mr. rogers begins his episodes by inviting the viewer in, literally changing his attire to be more comfortable, and talking about/doing things he genuinely cares about. whereas mr. rogers calmly and maturely addresses the viewer, blippi puts on a high pitched, contrived voice, interjecting every other sentence with a forced exclamation such as, "teehee! we're having so much fun!"

i don't find it a coincidence that john (blippi) is a veteran, either. his videos are completely devoid of the absurd, abstract, childlike thinking that makes children's media fun, creative, and entertaining. his thinking and process is methodical, devoid of emotion, and very superficial. this line of thinking clearly shows the kind of creative sterilization and emphasis on sameness and conformity instilled in the military. blippi simply observes things and interacts with them in a stale, matter-of-fact way. "this ball is purple! this ball is pink! anyway... what's over there? teehee! a car! vroom, vroom!" objects are colors, toy cars don't do anything but drive, curiosity is simply not encouraged.

he uses the "it's educational!" excuse to hide the fact that his show lacks everything that makes media a valuable resource for children to consume in the first place. further than identifying colors, numbers, and the occasional letter or shape, there is just this total lack of children's need for social and emotional development. when mr. rogers breaks the fourth wall to address the viewer and let them know they're special, it feels authentic and natural, because we've spent the last half hour building whole worlds with diverse characters and unique stories in a pretend neighborhood, learning about and enjoying different musical instruments, being exposed to and making friends with (even if parasocially, it is still a real bond to children when done properly) children who are similar to us in character regardless of physical or environmental differences, feeding the fish, making art together, and so on. when blippi tells the viewer, "you are very special, and i enjoy spending time with you!" it falls completely flat and feels unearned, because the last half hour was spent running around a soft play center pointing at bright, colorful objects, visiting interesting locations like farms or fruit production factories while failing to acknowledge the humanity of the humans actually working there (everything is machine or product focused; the human workers are simply an extension of the machine), learning "fun facts" about elephants that just list attributes of elephants, not taking the opportunity to inform the viewers of elephants' intelligence, or diet, or matriarchal society. it is a loud, sensory overwhelming display of a man so disconnected from the social and emotional needs and desires of children that he assumes they're stupid, easily entertained idiots who only need some silly dances and fast-moving cartoon graphics to give their attention (meaning time and desire to purchase products meaning $$$). john clearly views his audience as a means to gaming the algorithm and ultimately a paycheck by the hollow way he addresses them.

the show is so narcissistic, so focused on all the fun blippi is supposedly having, but he lacks any of the character traits that make individual children's show hosts memorable, so much so that he was able to have someone else who doesn't even vaguely resemble him dress as blippi and impersonate him and host the show or appear at live shows, and it went unnoticed by most of his toddler and child audience. the show is so formulaic and the character of blippi is so unmemorable that instead of taking the blue's clues route of developing a story of the host leaving for college and his brother now stepping in, or making some sort of believable excuse for the change in actors, they can simply swap him out with some random guy and not acknowledge it at all. although a comedy show for older children, the amanda show in no way could or would try to replicate the show with the same name but swapping out amanda bynes with a random teenage girl who is clearly not amanda bynes. it's weird and nonsensical and shows that his character is so much of a farce put on for a paycheck that not even his dedicated audience is affected or even cares when he is replaced by a random, unknown person.

this is completely garbage content made by an opportunist with no experience with children who saw his nephew watching children's youtube content, took it at complete surface level and still hasn't realized that while children's content only looks and feels so easy, entertaining, and enriching because it is so hard to do well. even with outsourcing his music, that aspect of the show still sucks. famous and successful children's musician, raffi, is known for his song describing the life of a little white whale, called "baby beluga." it opens with a calm strumming of his guitar, followed by the lyrics, "baby beluga in the deep blue sea/swim so wild and you swim so free/heaven above/sea below/and a little white whale on the go." is it silly and kind of pointless? yes, but the point is that he is captivating children and showing them the fun of listening to music, dancing, singing, and appreciating art. the "excavator song" featured in an episode of blippi about construction vehicles opens with what sounds like a default garageband loop and the flatly sung lyrics, "i'm an excavator/i'm an excavator/hey dirt, see you later/i'm an excavator." i don't feel i have to meticulously analyze the aforementioned lyrics; the stark contrast should speak for itself.

i have a million more criticisms about both blippi specifically and youtube children's content as a whole, but this is already so long and i doubt many people will get this far anyway. it's an issue i was completely apathetic towards until i had my own child and had to wean him off these kinds of junk food shows because i realized the fast-paced visuals and bright colors and repetitive songs/lyrics were putting him in this spaced-out, fugue state, and he thought he could demand this show or that show whenever he wanted. the moment he started regularly yelling things like, "watch! cars!" or "no! click it!" i knew i had to be a lot more invested in the things he watched even if just for entertainment or as a soothing message. i showed him an episode of mr. rogers yesterday and feared it would be too slow to hold his attention, but he was mesmerized, greeting and interacting with mr. rogers verbally, asking me, "what's that?" to different objects on the screen. since purging this low-brow children's entertainment, he has had a noticeable increase in attention span and concentration, can focus on a task for longer amounts of times, is more likely to "read"/look through books without me initiating it, and doesn't throw a fit when the tv/my laptop is off.

i just know that for me, growing up with so much unsupervised internet access definitely led me to real-world pain and consequences, and it seems like now children are born with an iphone as an extension of their arm. if my child is going to be consuming videos, i'm definitely supervising every second and am going to be highly critical of the videos and the credentials (or lack thereof) of the creators and team behind it. but i also know, from pure observation admittedly, that parents letting youtube kids autoplay parent their children for hours at a time is not an uncommon occurrence. and it worries me that a generation of children are being raised on videos that rely on being as loud and bright and superficially enjoyable as possible. what's the use of a child knowing their colors and alphabet if they don't know how to treat people with kindness and empathy and respect? there is something wrong for a children's show host to plug the spelling of his name at the end of his videos ("well, that's the end of this video. but if you wanna watch more of my videos, just type in my name! can you spell my name with me? b-l-i-p-p-i!") after essentially rotting his audiences' brains for a half hour. there's something so insidious about the prioritization of naming different parts of construction vehicles over honest depictions of and conversations about dealing with feelings, or why someone with autism may act differently than you, or what to do when you feel lonely, or ways to make art and express yrself creatively. also, not to mention the blatant police propaganda and outright worship is seriously jarring; as a black mother to a visibly non-white child, i cannot sit there and watch blippi show kids how to be a bootlicker for the shittiest profession on earth, but that could be a whole essay in and of itself.

anyway, thanks for reading, if yr looking for quality children's content, i recommend, in no specific order: mr. rogers, sesame street, the electric company, molly of denali, daniel tiger, bluey!, blue's clues, the odd squad, word party, trash truck, puffin rock, uhh... that's definitely not an extensive list but that's just off the dome!!! ok bye y'all <333

[work-of-waking-up]

In Defense of the Psychopath

Alright, wanna venture into my crazy ass brain? I’m going to start by saying one thing that will set the tone for everything else that follows: Villanelle is not a psychopath in the way that we currently understand them. Why am I even bothering to write about a fictional character, you ask? Because representation is important. Media portrayal of various mental and behavioral health topics (including ones that people might not think need to be discussed) is important and this show has a big audience. I also just want to contribute to the conversations that are taking place because I am seeing A LOT of them and the reason for that I believe boils down to the fact that Jodie makes Villanelle so relatable and people want to know what that means and looks like for them. Even those who felt they could relate to Sandra’s Eve, or the relationship between the two, maybe questioned what that meant the further they went down the path with them. “It’s probably a bad thing I relate to a psychopath, right? But she can’t be a psychopath because she cries and she feels things! Psychopaths don’t cry, which means she isn’t realistic so therefore it’s okay that I relate to her! Right? Or are my assumptions about psychopaths and people with antisocial personality disorder wrong? I relate to Eve but look what she is underneath it all...so does that mean I relate to that part of her too?” Not only is villanelles character relatable, but people see the freedom inherent within her, the freedom that Eve sees, and they realize that, at least on some level, they want it too. The show has (unintentionally I think) created a massive dialogue which is super cool and you can tell everyone involved on the show is aware of that now, I mean they have a consulting psychiatrist so I think that speaks for itself. This is less of a commentary on the character herself and whether or not she is a genuine psychopath, and more so a commentary on the conversations she has inspired and why... For the record, this is literally just my opinion sprinkled with a few facts, nothing else.

So, the term psychopath gets thrown around in the show, more so in the beginning, MI6 explicitly labels Villanelle this way, even going so far as to use her in a presentation about psychopaths, although I think that was more so to gauge Eve’s response than anything else. The reality of Villanelle, which we come to learn, is that nobody has been able to get close enough to really know the truth. Anna and Konstantin both got close but we never hear either of them use that word (Konstantin says it once but he clearly doesn’t mean it, it was more of an attempted manipulation tactic). They make it clear that she has, and can, and WILL cause damage, but that’s as far as they go. Eve is getting close and she tells Villanelle when they first meet that she knows Villanelle is a psychopath but it’s obvious from Eve's behavior and things she says later on that she truly doesn’t believe Villanelle is what everyone says she is. It’s easier to label her as a psychopath because that alienates and isolates her and her behavior completely. She is an outlier with behavioral anomalies and therefore it isn’t necessary to look any closer. For MI6 and others (not talking about the shows creators) to label Villanelle as a psychopath is easy, it’s lazy, it’s reductive, it serves a single purpose... a means to an end. They (anyone other than Eve basically) simply do not care about Villanelle’s truth. But as an audience we are lucky enough to see more of her with each episode. The psychopath label begins to fade and Oksana is what’s left. We know based on what she has said that she is aware that people think she is a psychopath, a monster, a person built to kill. It’s not always easy to decide that who you are is different from who you’ve always been told you are, especially given her history. Villanelle hasn’t told us yet if she thinks (or knows) that she is a psychopath, but it’s clear towards the end of last season that she no longer wants to be the person that they (meaning the twelve, Dasha, Konstantin, etc.) created. We see moments where she clearly has no remorse and clearly enjoys what she does, but then we have little moments sprinkled in between where she very obviously struggles, even if its short lived. And those moments are important. We have the moment where she struggles with the choice to shoot Konstantin, saying he is a good person, she thinks. This comes shortly after a conversation she had where Irina tells Villanelle she thinks she is a good person because she is sad, so we know she is thinking about it, we know the awareness is there, and it becomes more and more there as times goes on. I like to think of it in terms of having moments that are pure Villanelle (ie the way she killed Inga in the Russian prison), and then we have moments that are Oksana, vulnerable and emotional. Villanelle is a creation and a mask whereas oksana is the truth. Those moments are starting to really mean something. I'm not even going to start with her trip to find her family, that’s its own thing, but it's a Really Big Thing.

So. Villanelle is not a psychopath in the way that we currently understand and perceive them. Yes, she displays psychopathic traits, and yes, she absolutely has antisocial personality disorder. I read an article where the psychiatric consultant for the show (makes it pretty obvious how hard they worked to make Villanelle as realistic as possible) said that the Villanelle in Luke Jenning’s books scored a 32 on Hare’s psychiatric checklist, but I like to think (and I think a lot of people would agree) that number is a bit high, at least for Jodie’s Villanelle, maybe not even hitting 30 at all (close though, let’s be real lol). The max score is 40 which would be a fully blown primary psychopath. For reference, Ted Bundy scored 39. This checklist is flawed though, mostly created and based off the prison population. Which is why it isn’t used as a proper diagnostic tool. 32 is apparently extraordinarily high for a female (think Aileen Wuornos), which brings me to my next point which is that because it’s hard to measure a lot of the classic traits objectively, there is not a ton of solid data surrounding psychopathy, and even less of it is on female psychopaths. Like most things in life, psychopathy exists on a spectrum, there are levels and layers. It’s not black and white, there’s no definitive test (psychopathy isn’t even in the DSM-5 because as I said earlier it’s extremely hard to measure objectively) and it's important to distinguish between someone who exhibits psychopathic traits and someone who is actually an identifiable psychopath. Chances are high that someone you know displays at least one characteristic shared with psychopaths and this doesn’t make them one.

I think what’s important about this is that mental disorders (mental illness/personality disorders/etc.) of any kind are much more nuanced than a lot of people tend to think they are. That they exist less in black and white and more in shades of grey. Jodie Comer is absolutely remarkable for showcasing that through portraying the different layers of Villanelle. Her performance is a literal gift. We cannot keep thinking and acting like we know everything about how a person thinks, feels, and behaves based strictly and entirely on one label. The thing that has stuck out to me the most, the reason I decided to even write this bullshit babble, is that one of the most searched topics about the show is whether or not it’s realistic that Villanelle cries, and honestly how sad is that? That makes me sad for V. Is it more realistic for her to develop connections and cognitive empathy if she was made into a psychopath vs if she was born that way? Is there a legitimate difference between the two? And how do we even decide which one is applicable for someone? It’s important to add that antisocial personality disorder is not the same thing as psychopathy or sociopathy. You can have aspd and not be a psychopath. Research has shown that about only a third of those diagnosed with aspd would meet criteria to be considered a psychopath. Society is not doing a great job at getting people to understand this. But to be fair, understanding personality disorders specifically has been somewhat problematic, a lot of diagnostic confusion and overlap between disorders. A LOT of work needs to be done. But as far as portrayals go, society has strictly chosen to go the route of giving us psychopathic characters and having them be inherently violent, incapable of remorse, feelings, or change. Poverty of all emotions. Subhuman. They are made out to be so abnormal and unrelatable to the point where the character of Villanelle has sparked so much debate and fascination simply because she exists in a way that actually IS relatable...and layered and beautiful and thrilling. We thought she would be the bad guy and yet we root for her at every turn, we cry for her, we want good things for her! We see her darkness and without question or hesitation we forgive it. She makes us question what we’ve previously been shown. Questioning whether or not it’s realistic that she acts the way she does is less important than questioning our own personal assumptions and beliefs and where those come from. I think that’s awesome. Villanelle is truly a gift. She is hands down one of the most well written fictional characters, which is saying a lot considering when you put something, or someone, in a box it doesn’t leave tons of room for expansion. and I honestly don’t even really need to say this, but.. Jodie Comer.

[kakashi-tsukuyomi]

400 Follower Event

This is the first time I will be doing this! As a way of saying thank you to everyone who has followed this blog and supported my fics, I am throwing an event to celebrate reaching 400 followers! Thank you again to everyone.

Couple Profile With Your Favorite Character

Send me a Naruto character you ship yourself with, and I will make you a couple profile! 

This was inspired by the tag game going around Tumblr, and I thought it would be fun to turn it into an event.

What do you need to send me?

Any character from the Naruto series you ship yourself with.

A short profile or description about yourself. (i.e. MBTI type, 3-5 main traits you have, your hobbies and interests, or if you strongly identify with your zodiac sign, that’s ok too)

After that, I will make a couple profile of you and your chosen character!

A few rules:

This event is purely for fun, so please don’t take the results too seriously! If you don’t like your results, you may message me privately about it, but please don’t be rude or disrespectful or you will be automatically blocked or reported. :)

I respect diversity in all forms of art, and I believe that everyone has the right to be represented in the media. Although, I feel that I am not in the position to write about something I lack in experience or research, and I don't want to misrepresent nor offend anyone. Having said that, for now, I can only write about hetero relationships and pairings. Please bear with me, and I hope for everyone’s kindness and understanding on the matter. :)

I will do a maximum of 2 couple profiles per character only. First come, first serve. 

I’ll be releasing 2-3 profiles weekly. As your girl is busy and drowning in work, I will open 10 slots only for this event. 

Lastly, have fun!

Example under the cut

Hi! I ship myself with Kakashi. I’m INFJ-T. I’m thoughtful, sweet, have a good sense of humor, affectionate and a bit of a worrywart. I’m into art and music and I like being creative. I enjoy going to concerts, reading books and I love dogs, as well.

Couple Profile

Kakashi is an INTP, and in the world of MBTI, the INTP/INFJ pairing is considered as the “Golden Pair”! These two types are considered as a highly compatible pair, and I think you two would go along really well, both in friendship and in a romantic relationship. You both share some traits in common, as well as differ in some, but Kakashi seems to be a very understanding and mature person, so I think he would be willing to understand you as a person and accept you for who you are -- differences, flaws and everything.

Strengths: As mentioned, you both have a lot in common, which makes it a lot easier for you two to get along with each other. You both enjoy solitude, and most likely can find comfort in moments of silence with each other. You are both intuitive, and as it seems you are a thoughtful and sweet person yourself, I can see you both taking care of each other. His ways in showing how he cares may just be more different than yours. You’re affectionate, and you might like to show your love for him through more obvious ways while he might express his in more simple, subtle ways. Kakashi also seems to be a very rational and logical person and gives off a calming presence, which can prove to be a comfort to your worrying nature. He is very understanding and patient, and can help you calm down and reassure you whenever you feel overwhelmed by your worries.

Weaknesses: He is more of the Thinking type, so his approach to things might be more rational and objective compared to you, who might be more leaning towards your emotions. That can be a cause of arguments, but also I see it as something that is good. You both can balance and provide what each other lacks, therefore helping each other see and understand things more clearly, helping each other grow. Also, as an INFJ, his tardiness and laxity about it might bother you, but considering also the real reason behind it (and where he has been spending his time), you may want to be more patient and understanding with him. 

Dates: I think Kakashi is a pretty chill guy, and he wouldn’t mind just hanging out in the park or in coffee/tea shops, reading books with you! And walking-the-dogs dates?? That would be really cute. Seeing as you love art, I think he might also appreciate it and go with you on museums/gallery dates. Painting and craft-making dates might not be his thing, but I’m sure he wouldn’t say no to you if you invite him to join you some time. He would be the supportive and encouraging boyfriend, although as mentioned, in a sort of low-key way. He might also accompany you to concerts if he also likes the band/s or musician/s playing, or if he thinks you need some protection from perverted concert-goers lol, but if it’s too crowded or loud, I’m not so sure. Definitely not a mosh pit person also. But if it’s an intimate concert with your favorite band, probably also in an unplugged concert setting, I think he would definitely accompany you.

Love Advice: Kakashi has been through some rough times in his life, and it might not be surprising of him to pull away from you from time to time, so he will need a lot of patience and understanding from his significant other. When he does, give him the space and time that he needs, but also be there for him. He might not admit it, but he needs you. The man loves you; it’s just that he can be confused and doubtful of himself and if he ever truly deserves you. So, you would need to reassure him of your love when that happens. Also, at first he may be aloof and slow to opening to you and to your affections, but I can see that in time, he will and might even be the one to initiate physical intimacy. ;)

So, that’s it! If you have any questions, feel free to message me. My ask box is open, and I’ve opened it to anons, as well. Remember -- have fun! And be nice. ;)

Photo used can be found here.