#I hope that everyone struggling is able to find a song that resonates with them so much and fills them with hope and possibilities ❣️

[rosicheeks]

Soft asks

What song makes you feel better?

Whats your favorite candle scent?

• I couldn’t decide so have a few songs 🥰

• I actually don’t have a *favorite* scent tbh I’m super indecisive and it really depends on the day………………. Ok ok ok I take that back now that I think about it I will ALWAYS buy a “fresh cut apples” or “apple orchard” or some shit like that if it’s available oh boy that’s the stuff 😍🥰 (but don’t you dare come to me with apple cinnamon shit cause I will give it back to you that shit nasty no offense 😬)

[cozycottagetarot]

What Do They Daydream About You?

How To Pick A Pile:

Everyone has their own technique for choosing a 'pile'. My recommendation is to clear your mind and focus on each image for a few seconds. The image you find yourself coming back to even when you focus on the other images is the pile for you.

Quick notes on this reading:

I'm experimenting with a different style. -- I've been working on shorter, less structured, formal pacs (and some longer ones). I'm not sure how I feel about it but I'd like to hear your thoughts too!

I apologise for any errors. -- My immune system and I have literally been at war for weeks, so know if there are any errors, I probably missed it while wincing in pain. 😅

It's purely for entertainment purposes. -- Don't think I need to explain more. Take what resonates be it all of it, some of it or none at all.

PILE 1

14:44 as I pulled the last card, maybe 444 is of importance to you at the moment. Knight in shining armour vibes. Noble acts or intentions of just sweeping you off your feet. Introducing you to their friends and or family. Daydreams of big celebrations of being with you, internally and externally. For some, they daydream about celebrating the news of having a child with you. Finding peace after long struggles... starting anew with you. Domestic bliss, as in chilling at home with someone you love, not doing much of anything. Or simply enjoying the mundane tasks together. Going for walks. Having a cup of tea or coffee together. Peppering your skin with kisses... maybe physical touch is their love language. The ghost of their fingertips on your skin. Heart-to-heart conversations. Falling into a routine with you. The magic of embarking on new beginnings with you.

PILE 2

North Star Vibes. Holding out hope that they make it to you. Trying to make life better so they can show up for you. They daydream about how you make them stronger, about you being a good influence on them. It's like the thought of you soothes them when they're struggling. Dreaming that happiness is coming in the form of you. Lots of fiery energy. You're a symbol of hope. Rediscovering what they had lost with you. Feels like someone who has been through a lot. Playfulness. Daydreaming about you is embodying those feelings that seem long forgotten. I know I keep repeating the same thing over and over, but I'm not getting anything more than that (even when I go back to the literal meaning of the cards) so I pulled some love messages. There's the cards 'twin flame', 'finding myself' and 'still listening'. My interpretation is that daydreaming about you holds a mirror up to themselves which inspires them to look deeper within and figure out what they want and who they want to be. They could also find solace in music, they may have a song or playlist that makes them feel more connected to you.

PILE 3

If you were drawn to pile 2, consider checking out that pile as well too. 333. The number 3 could hold some sort of significance.

Dreaming of an equal. Someone to keep them balanced and bring a new perspective. They could feel as though (or know) some kind of scrutiny is possible, but they spend their time dreaming of overcoming it. There could be cultural differences or for some it's a matter of being in a same-sex relationship or anything that goes against what may be more commonly accepted. If it's of any significance, the red string of fate (two different decks mention it). Power couple vibes. Being able to maintain a sense of youthfulness in the relationship. Someone who won't try to take advantage of them, who'll push them to be better and vice versa, who'll look out for them. Someone to heal with and understand that they are still healing. They could dream of having a child with you or starting a family in whatever format that may look like to both of you. Daydreams of warmth & protection. Giving and receiving. You could possibly meet at a concert or connect over music.

PILE 4

I did a repull to make sure I was reading the cards right (it was stormy) and the same cards came out after reshuffling (minus one card). I feel like this person has been reborn. Who they were is not who they are now (or when you meet them). They could daydream of being divinely guided towards you. Someone spiritual or religious. At the very least finding a connection with something (a concept) greater than them. Daydreams of being guided towards happiness. They had a teardown and rebuild of who they are. They could be from a different location, you could meet when travelling across a large body of water. It feels like they're dreaming of coming in hot. They're paving the way for their happy ending. Take it as you will, but instead of a 'damsel in distress' (regardless of gender, it's just women on the cards depicting forging on) type of story, it's one of those ones where it's like "you know what, I'll save myself and I'll chase after my happy ending". Actually, I get a-spec vibes as well and that this person could be a platonic love or a strong platonic bond. It could even be you respectively. But the energy is one of being inspired and ever-lasting bonds. A new resolve, coming home to oneself, resting in the knowledge that the future is going to be good because you'll make it so.

[kongthapatom]

Riddle me this: When have queer stories managed to become popular with little kids in Asia before MSP did?

This year I watched MSP cast promote the drama in schools and so many students ranging from small kids to high schoolers doing MSP dance challenges even months after MSP ended. It makes me ecstatic when I see them watching this drama, even becoming a fan! TinnGun made it seem so effortless to touch the hearts of Asian kids and teens in a way no queer drama has been able to do before. 

MSP really changed my perception of what it will take for queer media to overthrow the hetero agenda in Asia someday. It made me realize we need more feel-good, family-friendly and goofy stories that appeal to everyone and make them laugh instead of convoluted or grandiose stories that lose the plot or those that specifically amplify queer struggles and minimise the joy of love.

That in the end, when real change starts in society, no matter how big or small and culminates with homophobia finally packing its bags & Asian families being won over - it won't be because of dramatic and "realistic" queer stories rife with suffering, grief or heartbreak that got voted best by the critics. It will be because of a simple and sweet love story like MSP, where one boy had a crush on another boy and did everything it takes to help him reach his dreams and found his own happiness in the process, a story that is vibrating with so much of queer positivity, joy and heart that it's impossible for anyone who watches it to not became its fan.

It makes my heart burst with joy that queer kids today are growing up with much better examples of queer love in front of them than our previous generations ever did. Imagine the impact this will have, the difference it will make in young queer Asian lives.

Gun told Tinn that the love songs we listen to in high school are the best love songs ever because they're the original soundtracks of our first love - To think there is a generation of kids right now who are listening to MSP soundtrack and falling in love to the same songs Tinn and Gun sang to each other and will remember MSP as their life's greatest love songs someday in the future - it boggles my mind and perhaps we won't grasp the full extent of what MSP did for its queer audience until many years have passed.

Nonetheless, I'll never stop singing MSP's praises because all they had was a newbie director, rookie actors & a banger soundtrack to do the impossible and make queer characters go mainstream in Asian schools and resonate with kids. We'll soon find out if we'll see TinnGun in college next year being sickeningly in love and serenading each other with an even gayer cuter cheesier soundtrack! (I hope so) Even if we don't, I'm excited for the impact MSP and GemFourth will have on queer romance genre down the line.

[zero-witch]

Finished rewatching Angel Beats and cried harder than I have in a really, really long time. I remember now why this show affects me so much.

The first time I watched it I was a severely depressed boy in high school struggling to find reasons to keep going. The world felt unfair, and that sentiment is held by nearly the entire main cast. After all, they had lived painfully short lives filled with cruelty and sorrow. It was unjust. So they refused to pass on, defying the God who had let their lives be so miserable. That obviously really resonated with me, as the ugly side of our world is something I've never been able to look away from. My heart ached as I learned how each character had lived and then died without ever realizing their dreams.

But here, in this strange afterlife, they could.

Iwasawa is the first one we see pass on. Despite this, hers is the one that got me the most. I'll try to give a brief summary.

In life, her parents were always fighting. Her dad was an angry drunk and their family was poor, so she didn't have her own room. All she could do when things got bad was sit in the corner with her hands over her ears. Music became an important escape for her. It quickly became the most important thing in her life and she started playing guitar on the street and auditioning wherever she could. Music saved her, and she wanted to be able to save others in the same way. I really identified with Iwasawa. (I didn't know I was trans yet lolll) I still do. She died paralyzed, unable to play her guitar or sing after being injured by her father on a bad night. She never got to share her music with the world. But she does in the afterlife.

Iwasawa finally finds peace and is able to pass on after she performs 'My Song' and touches the hearts of those that listen in the same hers was by the music she found. I cried so hard the first time I watched that. And this time.

At first, passing on like this isn't something the characters want. They feel their lives had been unjust and didn't accept them. The theme of rejecting how cruel the world can be really spoke to me, and it later changed into something even more important.

Our main character, Otonashi, has lost his memories from when he was alive. Partway through the show he regains them and realizes that he, unlike everyone else, is satisfied with how he lived and died, although it was short. A feeling of acceptance and gratuity floods into him and he resolves to help the others to find it. And so, one by one, he helps his friends to pass on by fulfilling their dreams from their earthly lives here in the afterlife.

This is where the attitude of his friends changes. They no longer reject their past lives. They are grateful for the friends they had, even when surrounded by so much pain. But more than anything they are grateful for the people they have met here. The experiences they had been robbed of on earth, they got to do here. They gladly passed onto their next lives.

The message that Otonashi says at the end is one of hope. It's about living a fulfilling life in spite of the inevitable cruelties everyone will someday know. It's about the people you meet that bring light into your life, and the importance of holding onto them. It's about cultivating the light that you hold within you. Ultimately, it is this:

The world is a good place, and it's worth staying.

anywayyy I am really glad I rewatched that. I still need to be reminded of such things. if you read this far I give you a kiss on the cheek😽 but you really didn't need to

[psychelis-new]

so sorry this is late but thank you so much for the reading! i love your work and i feel so special that you made time to answer mine <3

i dont believe in soulmates in the fantastical way thats usually portrayed with some type of physical thing connecting them, like an invisible string or a tattoo that glows when ur close to them, but i do like to think that everyone has a person or even multiple ppl that they were destined to meet for some reason, and i do think this is my person for me. but i had never thought ab how no matter what u call it, the result is the same, and i dont know if you’re a taylor swift fan but its giving Call It What You Want :p

all parts of your reading resonated with me, omg we literally just had a conversation this past weekend where he wanted me to tell him these 2 secrets i have (not huge ones, just things im embarrassed ab) and i refused to tell. he told me i shouldnt feel embarrassed ab them and logically i know he wont shame me for it, but it still doesnt get rid of the feelings of embarrassment i have when i eventually will tell him. i know he loves me now, but it definitely was not always this clear. for a long time i struggled with knowing how he felt ab me, and he said it himself he was bad at liking people. we’ve really grown together over the past year and im happy to know that he finds this relationship secure. i hope one day i will be able to overcome my issues with sometimes blocking him out and closing up bc i really want to be the best i can be with him.

thank you again for the insight, wish u the best, ~🩵🌿

Hey! Thanks for the feedback, despite you wrote it on Anon I still kinda can recall your reading from your inputs^^. I admit I almost laughed at the glowing tattoo but you know, everyone can see that special connection with someone the way they rather. Idk if it's fantastical or not to imagine having an invisible red string (Taylor Swift^^ I'm not a huge fan of her, but yep, I know a few of her songs) that connects you to a special someone but... yeah, just don't let your adult rational mind entirely blind and block your inner child ig. If someone believes in that, then it's cool to me. As if you want to see the connection or call it in a different way. Y'all are equally valid. Everyone can see things they own way, there's no wrong or right, as I told you. This is the beauty of being so many and so different. And of having so different experiences and level/types of connections with our specific person/people. There can totally be some soulmates having moles/scares in the same place to me, why not :D

Anyway, I hope you can try and see what is blocking you from a different pov, so to become more vulnerable in the relationship and really let them in and take the whole thing to a different level. I know it's very hard to bring down our walls (they're so protecting and safe), but it's always worth it. Just remember to take your time, and follow your guts so that when you feel it's time to tell your secrets, you will have no regrets of sort.

Honestly, this guilt/embarassment you feel may originate from your inner fear of being judged: remember if this happens, it's never your fault. Others judge you because they very likely lack that thing or have it too and were told is bad, but it's easier to point things out on others than taking time to look inside and understand reasons and all. And... ofc not everyone will judge you negatively, not everyone will give you a different worth for a couple of specific things you feel guilty for (for any reason: maybe again you were judged or feared to be judged by others and left alone and... yeah, the self-preservation is still strong inside of us but we're no more living in Prehistory, people don't get eaten by lions even if by any chance they are left alone from their "groups"). Your worth is still the same and it's the one you give yourself for all you've done and all you are and potentially will be. We all have things we don't like about ourselves, but they don't have to be demonized, they can also turn into our strong points the moment we leran how to value them or give them their real worth (for us, not anyone else nor society... society is just f- up). If your guts tell you you can trust him, then trust him, don't block yourself. You won't be hurt. And if by any chance you'll get hurt (even not by him but others), you will survive. Always. Your heart is stronger than you think. Everyone's heart is stronger than we think: it can always love and let love in again. The problem is "only" in the mind (our amygdala) and the way it wants to protect us from every little negative/painful thing that we have learned first hand or through other experiences [especially emotional pain, and in a minor way, physical pain too: think about how you may walk a bit more carefully especially in the days right after you hit your foot against a night table -physical pain usually leaves a slightly less strong wound inside that may get healed faster, unless you broke a bone or sth: that may last longer and grow into a habit...but we're not here for that so I'll shut up] ;)

Best of lucks btw, take care<3

[phoebe-delia]

this is me trying

Hello everyone! I am so excited to present to you the next installment of the All Too Well: the Drarry as Taylor Swift series.

This fic is called “this is me trying” and at 12.6k it’s the longest fic I’ve written.

I started this story with the intention to hit at least 10k. Before, the longest I’d been able to write is about 7k, but there was something about this fic and the way the story kept flowing that I was able to exceed my goal. This fic is about struggling with self-care and mental health, figuring out how to be the best version of yourself, forgiveness, friendship, and a lot of late-night drives. The song upon which both the fic and title are based is so meaningful to me, and I hope you, reader, might find something in this story that resonates with you the way the song did for me.

I have a lot of people to thank. First of all, the encouragement of the drarry microfic community was so motivating for me to finish this fic. Thank you all for the sprints and for cheering me on. Thank you, of course, to my lovely friend @romeoandmesittinginatree for showing me the places that needed some tweaks and for generally being encouraging; love you babe, you're the best <3

And last but never, ever least, this fic (and so so many others of mine) would not have seen the light of day without @written-in-ash. Lyssa you always make my writing better. Without you, my fics would be full of schmaltzy and/or snarky dialogue taking place nowhere in space and time because there’s no description. But more than that, you’re my friend, and there’s nothing better than finding someone you can trust with your 2 a.m. half-formed fic ideas, rusty wips, crack fics based on inside jokes, and the times when you need a bonk and a pick-me-up. You’re my beta for life, and you’re also the best fandom little sister I could ask for. (See what I mean about schmaltzy?)

Okay, without further rambling from me, please enjoy the fic!

Here's an excerpt:

__

Grimmauld. Grim old. Grim and old.

Harry snorted softly as he brought the glass of firewhiskey to his lips. Funny; two years living in the old Pureblood house—plus a few years of being acquainted with it—and he’d never considered the name before.

It was apt; everything seemed to be coated in a thick layer of dust, which was somehow less dreary than the black painted walls and threadbare antique furniture, relics of the past century. It was beyond repair, but it remained steadfast in its stubbornness to cling to the days before it was overstaying its welcome in the modern world.

Harry could relate. There were times he wondered whether the decision about his own fate at King’s Cross had, in fact, been a defiance of nature’s will. Perhaps he was meant to die and to stay that way. Maybe his life was meant to become a legend, a cautionary folktale: grim and old.

Seeing Ron and Hermione helped. Their weekly dinners were the most human interaction Harry got outside of Auror training, and even that provided little social engagement. Taking a gap year after eighth year proved to be less healing and restorative than he’d hoped. As it turned out, eating takeaway in his boxers while rewatching old sitcoms wasn’t much of a vacation if it became his everyday routine. But when Ron and Hermione came over, he’d shower and shave, changing out of his pajamas. He’d wash the dishes that’d piled up on the coffee table next to his comfortable chair and cast air freshening charms. He’d put on jeans and a clean shirt and a brave face.

They’d laugh and eat, and he’d swallow each bite like the words he wanted to say but couldn’t under fear’s chokehold. But with them, Harry could pretend to be less lonely than he was, and that he was the bright and clean adult man he wanted to be. And they’d leave, and the dust would settle once again.

He sighed, casting a quick Sobering charm on himself before Summoning the keys to his car, a blue Rover 214 Cabriolet. He had to get out.

__

Read "this is me trying" on AO3!

[tomorrowxtogether]

Tomorrow X Together Speaks to Everyone

PAPER is spending this week inside the minds of Tomorrow X Together (known as TXT).

When you're a teenager, everything can feel like the end of the world. The reality is that the pursuit of adulthood is unending. You never stop searching for answers or dreaming about your future. Those nagging thoughts of self-doubt are still there, and so are the conflicting feelings of joy and anguish. It's what makes the music of Tomorrow X Together so potent.

The Korean pop quintet may be a voice for today's restless Gen Z, but their music speaks to everyone. "People's dreams, their plans for the future... These are concerns that people of all generations share," vocalist Taehyun tells PAPER.

It's early afternoon on a June day in Seoul, and the members of Tomorrow X Together, also known as TXT, are currently sitting in a cozy room inside their company building in the city's central Yongsan district. On a typical day, Soobin (20), Yeonjun (21), Beomgyu (20), Taehyun (19) and Hueningkai (19) would be their exuberant selves — talking over one another and joking around — but today is busy.

The group is in the middle of their promotional cycle for The Chaos Chapter: Freeze, and they have another schedule planned right after this. Time is so precious that our interviews are being timed down to the second. Though slightly subdued, the group is in good spirits: Their album just debuted at No. 5 on the Billboard 200. They take a quick moment to celebrate the accomplishment, bursting into a round of applause.

"It's an honor," leader Soobin says with a dimpled smile. He's being characteristically modest; the feat makes TXT only the third K-pop group to chart multiple albums on the Billboard 200 in the same year, following their labelmates BTS and the nation's girl group TWICE.

"We are really happy and thankful that we are able to receive these accolades and these titles," oldest member Yeonjun says. "It drives us and gives us that motivation to keep trying harder so that we can maintain this momentum."

It starts, of course, with the music. It's easy to empathize with the anthemic angst of songs like "0X1=LOVESONG'' and "LO$ER=LO♡ER," or relate to the mellow misanthropy of TikTok sleeper hit "Anti-Romantic." The bubbly, buoyant "No Rules'' laments lost time and wasted youth (who can't relate?), while hyperpop track "Frost'' erupts into hook-heavy, overly emotive chaos — a "Black Parade'' for a new gen.

"We're telling our stories," methodical Taehyun says. "We're taking part in creating this music, making our authentic voices and our sincerity heard. That's what resonates with people. That's what people can relate to."

They've been telling their coming-of-age stories since 2019. Their energetic debut single "Crown" reflects emotional growing pains; the edgier "9 and Three Quarters (Run Away)" celebrates the life-saving magic of friendship; and the broody "Can't You See Me?" unpacks the brewing resentment among friends. Last fall's "We Lost The Summer" was written for the generation of young people struggling to find connection amid the global COVID-19 pandemic that put our lives on pause. Through their music, TXT are weathering the storm of adolescence.

"The issues that are on the minds of young people are probably similar around the world," Taehyun reasons. "There are a lot of limitations that we're being placed under because of the pandemic. That's why we have songs like 'We Lost the Summer' and 'No Rules.'"

"What I would like people to feel is a sense of joy and a sense of healing and consolation," youngest member Hueningkai says of their music's positive energy. "I want people to be moved and to also feel like this is something new, like these are new emotions that I'm feeling. I hope they're inspired by that."

They are. Fans of TXT, known as MOA (short for "Moments of Alwaysness") take to social media platforms like Twitter, TikTok and fandom community app Weverse to tell the members how much their songs comfort them amid difficult times. (They also exchange memes.) These online messages from MOA mean a lot to TXT. For the past 18 months, it's been their sole connection to their fans. "Our fans always tell us that our songs really resonate with them and that they can relate to them," Soobin says. "They say our lyrics have really helped them through tough times, they console them."

In exchange, TXT also open up to their fans through regular diary entries and replies posted to Weverse. "It's really fun being able to write these posts and to see notifications in real time," Soobin says. "I think it's the same for MOA." It's also a safe space for the artists and fans to be vulnerable. "I get a lot of strength from the things MOA write," Hueningkai says. As for Beomgyu, the introspective performer calls MOA his best friends, and he treats them as such — whether he's clowning them or talking to them about life. He once consoled a fan struggling with depression and he's reassured them of their self-worth.

But Beomgyu says the reassurance goes both ways because he talks about his hopes and concerns, too. "I'm the kind of person who likes to tell my friends what I'm thinking, the things that are bothering or that I'm worrying about," he says. "I like to open myself up. I talk a lot with MOA. We're able to console each other. They listen to my stories and console me. And at the same time, MOA tell me their stories and I listen to them. "Opening myself up [to MOA] has allowed me to receive that help and to receive that consolation myself."

From the opposite side of the room, Taehyun adds, "It brings us a lot closer [to MOA]."

And it brings them closer as a group. So much of TXT's ethos as a group is rooted in the complexities of friendships. Their music and visuals often tell the story of a lonely boy who finds hope in companionship, while also exploring the messiness of their relationships. Your friends can save you, but your friends can also hurt you. You love your friends; you resent your friends. TXT exposes these feelings in all of their big and beautiful, ugly realness.

When it comes to friendships, the members of TXT are navigating these issues alongside their fictional selves in the whimsical +U universe. "What's important is the sincerity of your communication," Taehyun says. He's had experience having difficult conversations with his members, but these conversations have only made their working and personal relationships stronger. "Rather than the amount of communicating that you do, it's about the sincerity that you're sharing with each other. This is a quality that makes us [members] such good friends and be able to relate to each other."

"I'm the kind of person that instead of having a really huge group of friends, I like having a small group of close friends," he adds. "My friendships are deep... Being able to trust each other and being able to tell them what you're really feeling in your heart is really important."

This level of trust makes TXT so close. They've spent the past five years together, first as trainees at Big Hit Music, where they developed their technical skills as singers, dancers and now as idols. They live together. They work together. They do most things together. It's a perfect symbiosis of mismatched personalities and temperaments. Watching them now, they fit together in unexpected ways. Youngest members Taehyun and Hueningkai are the most talkative, eager to talk about their growth as artists and the meaningfulness of their music. Yeonjun tackles the more open-ended questions about their success so far and their ambitions for the future, while Beomgyu likes to talk about MOA and songwriting. Soobin, the gentle leader of the team, is mostly happy to sit and watch, adding his sentiments when needed.

"We do feel more mature and that we've grown," Hueningkai says. "Participating in the production process and the making of our music has allowed us to understand ourselves more deeply." Next to him, Taehyun adds, "It's our love for music that makes it all possible."

They want to continue to challenge themselves musically. "We've done a lot of different genres and we'll continue to experiment with a lot of different kinds of music in the future," Taehyun says. "I don't think I'm able to say right now that 'this is the Tomorrow X Together sound' or 'this is the TXT genre,' but eventually we'll be able to recognize that sound through all of the challenges and say, 'This is the Tomorrow X Together genre.'"

Fans would argue that TXT have already found their sound. It's bold and emotive, expressing the full magnitude of their tumultuous emotions. They encourage us to feel everything, no matter how lost or complete, and to brace for impact. The world may be ending, but at least we're together.

[blu-joons]

DAD Day6 A⇴Z HEADCANON ⇴ Park Sungjin

A ⇴ AFFECTION

Sungjin gets more affectionate with you as your bump grows, enjoying the feeling of being around it. It’s nice for you to have Sungjin by your side more with your bump, as affection previously tended to be something he wasn’t huge on.

B ⇴ BUMP

He always makes sure to keep a practical eye with your bump, keeping a look out as often as he can. Sungjin is always rearranging furniture or buying new things so that life around the house is easier for you, your stacked up with pillows and blankets so that you’re always as comfortable as possible when you’re at home.

C ⇴ CRAVINGS

Whenever you need anything, Sungjin is there to get it for you no matter what it is or how far he was to go for it too. His practicality resonates for your cravings as well, he always makes sure that the cupboards are filled with snacks so that when you need something, and he’s not there, it’s easily accessible for you to get.

D ⇴ DUE DATE

Taking things day by day is the approach for the two of you, neither of you want to look too far ahead too soon. There are so many little things that happen with each day there’s always something more for you to look forward to sooner than your due date. Your due date is a little frightening for Sungjin, so small steps are much easier for him to deal with, making sure that his heart stays nice and calm too.

E ⇴ EMOTIONS

Your pregnancy is an incredibly emotional time for Sungjin, with plenty of highs, and a few lows too. Most of all, he’s excited about completing his family and being able to call himself a dad and falling in love with you more than ever before. You often end up spotting him tearing up during various moments in your pregnancy, but as soon as Sungjin spots you smiling across at him, he quickly reassures you that he’s fine.

F ⇴ FAMILY

Both of your families are incredibly protective of the two of you, they know how close the two of you are and how excited you are to have your baby. Whenever you need them at whatever time, they are always there for you both, and as excited as the two of you are, your families definitely are a close second when it comes to counting down the days until they can welcome a new addition into their families.

G ⇴ GENDER

With plenty of excitement, Sungjin was keen to wait until your baby arrived to find out whether they were a boy or a girl. Throughout your pregnancy, Sungjin would often have bursts where he’d try and figure out what your baby was, but it was the constant guessing and intrigue that he absolutely adored all the time.

H ⇴ HEARTBEAT

It was instinct in Sungjin to go in search of a rhythm whenever he heard the beat of your baby’s heart, often matching it with the beat of his own heart. The tiny little thuds would capture his attention in an instant, with his head nodding along to every single one that came through the stethoscope.

I ⇴ “I LOVE YOU”

Sungjin prefers to show you that he loves you through gifts rather than words of physical affection. He often comes home with your favourite food or a bunch of flowers in the hope that it would put a smile on your face and make sure that you know that Sungjin loves you, even if he doesn’t necessarily always say it.

J ⇴ JEALOUSY

Starting his family gives Sungjin a new smile and a huge boost to his confidence so that very little can get under his skin. If anything, others are jealous of the two of you, especially him, seeing the buzz he has and the spring in the step he passes by with, knowing that he’s about to become a dad. Everyone knew how excited Sungjin was, they only wished that they could smile as wide as he could with his incredible news.

K ⇴ KICKS

Every time he feels a kick, Sungjin’s eyes always look towards you as if he’s in search of reassurance. When he sees your head nod to let him know that it was a kick that he felt, his smile always grows in relief. Kicks are Sungjin’s favourite things, so whenever he feels one, he can’t help but get excited all over again as if it’s the first.

L ⇴ LABOUR

As ever, Sungjin is very supportive during your labour, refusing to leave your side even when you weren’t going through a contraction. He didn’t want to give you any space, just in case anything happened, if he was by your side then he knew that he would always be able to take a hold of your hand as soon as you needed him and talk you through the contraction in a hope that it would distract you from the pain.

M ⇴ MORNING SICKNESS

Your sickness doesn’t bother Sungjin, the only thing he worries about is being there for you. Whilst you often feel a little embarrassed about the situations that Sungjin walks in on, he always makes sure to reassure you and help you out whenever you need whether it’s holding your hair or simply massaging against your back.

N ⇴ NURSERY

Decorating your nursery is an opportunity with Sungjin, mainly to spend time with you. It’s something that neither of you have done before with each other, but neither of you can’t wait to give it a go too.

O ⇴ OBSESSION

He was obsessed with your eyes and the excitement that you always looked at him with. Sungjin loved that you were both looking forward to welcoming your baby, he thought that he was excited, but even you exceeded him.

P ⇴ POST BIRTH

The first few days after you gave birth were very tentative, as with the baby in your arms, Sungjin was determined to take baby steps with you too in order to help you recover. He didn’t want you to rush into anything, especially when your baby needed you, happy to take on as much responsibility as he needed to around the house.

Q ⇴ QUESTIONS

With every decision that came your way, the two of you always made sure that you agreed on things. Sungjin would always ask for your opinion, as you would with him, in order to make sure that you both felt the same.

R ⇴ RANDOM FACTS

Your pregnancy is the perfect chance for Sungjin to get plenty of work done in the studio and create beautiful songs for the group to release. He can’t help but feel inspired by you and your bump, quite often he runs to his desk in order to write down the line that pops into his head so that he can’t forget about it.

S ⇴ SCANS

Every single one of your scans is treasured by Sungjin, he always holds onto them tighter than any of his other possessions. Whenever you get a new scan photo, he adds it to his collection, creating a timeline across his desk so that he can study the changes that take place each time with a proud smile on his face.

T ⇴ TEST

For a little while, Sungjin had sensed that something wasn’t quite right with you, and so eventually he decided it was best to suggest that you took a pregnancy test, just to see whether his suspicions were right or wrong.

U ⇴ ULTRASOUND

He always made sure to attend all of your appointments, there was no way Sungjin would miss out on the chance to get to see your baby.

V ⇴ VISITS

Taking things slow was Sungjin’s top priority, and so when it came to welcoming people round to meet your baby, Sungjin was very restrictive on how many people came, and for how long to make sure you weren’t overwhelmed.

W ⇴ WAITING

Sungjin was very patient, thanks to his day-by-day strategy, it was a slow process and one that he never let himself run away with too much.

X ⇴ XXXX

Whenever he hugs around your bump, Sungjin will kiss the spot just above it too so that you’re able to receive affection from him as well. He loves making sure that you receive affection from him as well as your baby bump.

Y ⇴ YOU

You were Sungjin’s strength, he took a great deal of strength watching how amazing you were.

Z ⇴ ZZZ

Most nights Sungjin tried to fall asleep only when you did so that you had him by your side whilst you were struggling. He’d do as much as he could to help you settle and encourage your baby to rest so that you could rest too.

---

Masterlist

[mirismuffins-ovo]

Plant Palace pt 8🌿

John felt guilty,he hadn’t expected Eddie to accept him back so easily but it still hurt to feel rejected. John had gone back to his car. It was a colder night but he sleeplessly stayed there for the night. Missing his kids and filled with sadness,what would he tell his kids if he came back and said Eddie didn’t want anything to do for John. He’d felt lonely for such a long time and feared losing the one person he wanted to be with most.

He stayed there for the rest of the night,ignoring his hungry stomach begging for food. John normally went hungry for the sake of the kids when they handed out rations for the camps and he’d gotten into the habit of eating less. His clothes hid that fact for the most part,he had examined Eddie's house,it was nice. Eddie had done well for himself,and he didn’t blame Eddie for being mad at John,he’d ran off after promising they’d have a family together and raise the babies together. Sleeplessly lying in the driver's seat with it reclined thinking about everything.

Eddie groaned as he woke up. Leafy and Bitty were pawing at his legs as he realized where he was. He never left the front entry way and didn’t think about the cats.

“Shit.” He groaned.

He got up, going to feed the cats when Bitty looked up at him and meowed before rubbing up against his leg. Then it all dawned on him.

“SHIT, JOHN!”

He fled his apartment, running outside, seeing maybe the man fell asleep at his apartment complex entry way. He didn’t care if it was early in the morning, He fucked up. He had promised himself over the years that it didn’t matter what happened to John. He wasn’t human so he had to do what the man had to do, and Eddie accepted that when they were dating. Just his own jealousy got in the way. He ran in the opposite direction he walked home in the night before, shouting for John’s name. He didn’t even look in any of the parked cars on the side of the street or alleyways. All he wanted to do was find his old lover and hold him in his arms again and apologize for being a complete dick.

John looked over with restless eyes from his small car seeing Eddie running around seeming to look like he was distressed.He wondered would Eddie really be better off,as he listened to him call his name. It seemed like it from what he said last night but he got out of the car,his eyes burned from crying the whole night but also no sleep. He shut the car door loud enough to let Eddie know to look over. John couldn’t bring himself to look at Eddie.

John leaned on his car,watching the man somberly,hearing the rapid steps from Eddie darting around in frantic search. He’d figured Eddie would be better with someone more normal...after all he said maybe it was better that people like them shouldn’t be together. John had spent all night trying to decide whether he should’ve turned the car around and driven back to camp. He hoped he didn’t choose wrong.

As soon as Eddie heard the car door close, he whipped around seeing the smaller distressed frame of the familiar man. Eddie took off full he speed,as fast as his older body could before flung himself at John, embracing him and swinging him around.

“Thank God you didn’t leave!” Eddie exclaimed in pure joy as he set John down from the spin.

John looked up confused but also trying to hide a blush on his cheeks.

“I know we have a lot to work out, but I am so so sorry for being an ass last night. I had a shitty band practice and so I went to get a few drinks and this one girl kept hitting on me at the bar and then I heard your song on the bus home and I…” Eddie paused himself,pulling the red head in for a hug again. “I’ve missed you so so much..I feel like I’m in Heaven right now seeing you again..” he muttered in a loving tone. Placing a gentle hand on the back of Johns head still holding him.

Eddie was crying tears of joy again. John was alive, John was safe, John was here.

John had frozen shocked by the sudden action,he didn’t know what to say. He felt happier than ever and relieved but still filled with confusion, “I’m sorry..I don’t know what I should say” he muttered in a dry voice,batting his eyes a few times while streams of tears ran down his face. Now in the arms of Eddie tightly burying his face into Eddie's upper shoulder. John's stomach said something for him with a loud growl. He blushed embarrassed and pulled away from the hug to look up at Eddie.

“I missed you Eddie...I should've tried to take you with me” John's pale frail hand wiped a tear falling,from his cheek as he let out a soft shaky breath. His stomach letting out another growl craving food once again.

Eddie just ignored the words for the time being and broke them apart for a quick moment before smooshing their lips together in a super long, 2 year delayed, kiss. It felt good to finally connect this intimately with the person he loved dearly. Suffocating one another in affection,but another growl from John’s stomach snapped them out of it,Eddie snickered as John blushed with embarrassment.

“Come back to my place, I’ll cook something. Plus I’m sure there is someone who’d love to see you right now.” Grabbing John’s hand, Eddie started to drag him in the direction of his house.

When they were reaching his apartment, he forgot to close his door and was afraid the cats got out. He quickly approached the door and looked inside, calling to his two kitty companions. He left John at the door to see if he could still find them.

“Spspspsp” He sounded out and waited. The singer walked in looking around to see Bitty pinning Leafy down who was struggling to move as he wanted to go out the door. “Good kitty! Keeping Leafy inside!” He cooed, getting them treats. “Daddy’s sorry he left in a hurry, I’ll give you extra kibble.” Both cats heard food and started to pour more into their dishes.

“You can come in now.” Eddie called, hearing the footsteps enter his home and close his front door.

Bitty lifted her head up in wonder to see who came inside her home when the kitty smelled an old but familiar smell. “Murrrrp? Merrrrp!” She ditched her food dish and ended up rubbing herself on her old cat dad. She meowed and purred vigorously when John picked her up and started laughing.

“Awww my lil Bits” He held her like a baby and gave her head small kisses “I missed you so much my lil one” he laughed softly and set her down purring loudly as she pranced over to the food bowl “I missed her,Thankyou for taking care of her Eds”

John tiredly sat down on a chair relaxing a bit as Eddie started to cook up breakfast,he looked like he was ready to fall asleep then and there. John was exhausted from his worrying, “your house is really nice,I also like the new cat” he smiled at Eddie from across the table. He fidgeted with his red hair “the girls wanna meet you Eddie..and I can’t stop thinking about it” Johns eyes were closed now,smiling at the thought of his sweet kids “my moms taking care of them right now”

Eddie smiled. “I would love to see them too John…” He got out a couple of plates. “But we need to work out what’s between us. We need to make sure it's really safe for Humans and Abbies to live together and be allowed to love each other. Things have been trying to change for the better between our species, but there’s always that loophole that continues to set everyone back.”

He dished up the food and handed one plate to John who carefully begin to take small bites to ease the food into his stomach. Eddie ate like normal, scratching Leafy’s ear when the kitty decided to beg for his food.

“No, Leaf, go eat your kibble.”

Eddie turned his attention back to John. “So… How have you been, like really been?”

John thought about the question pausing his meal,he normally tried to not think about how he was feeling. “I-...I’m tired,it’s been a rough few years raising the kids...and helping my mom with the rebellion,getting captured then breaking out of a facility.I really lucked out they didn’t find I could have kids,...we aren’t seen as humans in facilities” John gave an awkward laugh attempting to hide his grim recount,before he shoved another bite into his mouth chewing slowly. “It’s been...lonely” John had gotten sick during one of the harsher winters after he had the girls. He let out a deep breath rubbing his burning eyes. “It was actually my mom and the girls who said I should try to come back to see you…I mean I was planning to anyways, but I just wasn’t sure if my mom could watch the kids that long. Or if you’d want to even see me.” John ran his fingers through his petal filled hair,it all stressed him out. “Anyways how've you been…” John didn’t wanna tell Eddie that he longed to continue the dream of having a family with him,getting married and actually carrying the children of Eddie. He knew it would be too much to say,it’d been so long after all. He didn’t wanna rush things too fast and lose him again.

“I’ve been better.” Eddie replied. “Just been working on a new EP with the band. After a few concerts, Greenhouse was a success to my surprise. I guess it resonated with a bunch of people. Some people have called it the ‘Barrier Breaker’, saying it’s what's going to bring the people together.” He shrugged. “But who knows.”

He let out another sigh. “So you’ve mentioned you’ve broken out of a facility. But it’s legal for Humans and Abnormals to live together now. Does this mean you’re a fugitive? Does your Mom know you were taken? What about the girls?” He started spilling questions. But then he stopped.

“Sorry. But if you really are on the run, then we have to figure something out so you’re really free.”

“I was a fugitive,this wasn’t the first time I was in a facility. So when we first met I could technically be considered a fugitive,but after this break out and some political negotiations with the governor. My mother and I with a few others were able to make it legal in this state to live in city’s with regular people.” John took a deep breath trying to not overload Eddie with information. “And now a few other progressive states it’s legal,it’s making its way to the presidential office,so hopefully it’ll be countrywide soon” John had an awkward smile for a moment. “we’re working on the details about Abnormals and Regulars getting married and such” He shrugged and sat back in his chair,”Before we were together,a few years back I did some shit as a teenager that got me put in a facility” clearing his throat he continued “it’s why Quinn blew up when I asked about them taking the babies,but now, I’m not a fugitive,I’m ‘legal’ now”

Eddie felt so relieved, like his heart was mending back together.

“We should talk more but you look like you’re about to pass out. Stay for a few days, rest up and eat. I’m still in the middle of the album so I’ll be in my studio most of the day. If you need to leave…” He looked at John with seriousness, giving a warning in his tone of voice. “Tell me. If you run off again, I won’t be as forgiving.”

He got up, went to take a shower real quick then left for the studio. Eddie was elated that John was back, but he couldn’t forgive him just yet. He needed to mend his broken heart and he knew just how to do it. Eddie dried off and got dressed in pajamas,making his way down the hall. John who’d finished eating and seemed to pass out on Eddies couch.

When he walked into his studio, he got set up, texted his band about what’d happened,then began to strum his guitar. He heard only one song ringing through his head now,the song that had been haunting him for years. He closed his eyes, sliding his finger and plucking the first string, beginning to play Eden.

[dolphindiluna]

𝗜 𝗪𝗶𝗹𝗹 𝗡𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿 𝗕𝗲 𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗦𝗮𝗺𝗲 The cell continued to ring. He should talk to Sam, let him know that he was alive. He laughed bitterly at the thought, was he really alive? He didn't feel that way. He was flesh, bones, tears and blood. But alive? No. Living had just taken on another dimension. The point is that he died so many times that he lost count, but for the first time he knew what it was to really die, this death that people talk about, death in life.

How many important people fell on the way?

His mind returned to the day of his mother's death. Even though he was not in his room that day, his father had counted on so many details, on a night of drunkenness, that he didn't even need to see with his eyes, his mind "saw" much more than he wanted.

Then the father. That father obsessed with killing the damn demon who took the life of his beloved wife. The father who raised his children to save people, hunting things, the family business. The father absent for loving too much.

And Ellen and Jo. Pamela, Bob, Kevin, Charlie. And so many others. Many…

And again the father and mother.

And Sam. Each time he lost his brother, a piece of him died together. Sam, who kept calling over and over.

- Sam, I'm fine.

- Dean! What happened? Why did it take so long to answer the phone?

- Sorry, Sammy. Are you ok?

He heard the sound of his brother swallowing the words, those few seconds hanging over them like a sharp sword. Dean knew, he always knew.

- Sammy?

- Dean, everybody's gone, everybody. Charlie, Bob and even Donna. It's just me and Jack.

The brother's voice was weak. Sam who was so dedicated to protecting everyone, even with the weight of Eileen's loss on his shoulders. He wanted to hug him. He wished he could go back in time when he carried Sam in his boyish arms and rocked him, promising to protect him from danger. "Take care of your brother, Dean" had been the main task his father had given him, and he, as a good soldier, never deviated from his mission. Taking care of Sam, protecting him, was what gave him the strength to get up every morning.

- Sammy, come home.

- Dean, is everything okay? What happened to Billie?

- Billie is dead. You and Jack, come home soon.

- Okay, Dean.

He hung up the phone and put his hands on his face again. He was not able to tell Sam the whole truth, because telling what happened was having to face reality, and he was not yet ready to say goodbye.

The silence in the dungeon choked him, but he didn't have the strength to leave. Maybe he didn't want to leave. Somewhere in his heart, a fragile flame continued to resist. He looked at the wall, hoping the black hole would regurgitate what The Empty had stolen from him.

"I annoyed an ancient cosmic being so much that he sent me back."

Dean remembered those words as if they were said yesterday. He clung to them in despair. But deep down, he knew, he knew that The Empty would not give up again.

Why didn't he tell the truth? Why?

Why did he push his feelings into some dark corner of himself, not even allowing himself to think?

Why didn't he give himself the right to believe that he could be loved, be happy?

All that fury that has weighed on his chest since childhood, that anger that he thought defined him.

"Everything you have ever done, the good and the bad, you have done for love."

Even now he couldn't see himself that way, because that meant he was always a coward for not having struggled to take on what he felt.

Coward. He had been a coward until the end. And now he paid the price for being afraid to say the same words he had received.

The chest pain increased. He needed to get out of there, he needed to breathe. Shivering, using the wall as a support, he stood up slowly. The first steps were unstable. He managed to reach the chair in the middle of the room, held it in search of something solid to keep him on his feet until he felt he could walk without fear of falling.

When he finally reached the door, he couldn't resist and looked back again. That flame in his chest had just gone out. The pain increased, crushing his heart.

"You changed me, Dean ... I love you."

He ran out of the room, his hand over his mouth to stifle his sob.

He didn't want to be that anymore. He no longer wanted to be the Dean who assumed all the responsibilities and suppressed any feeling that his enemies could use against him. He was tired of being strong, of trying to be invincible.

He heard Sam calling for him. He needed his brother, needed this time to reverse logic, needed Sam to take care of him, to protect him from pain.

- Sammy.

Your voice so weak, so different from your voice of thunder.

- Sammy, Sammy!

He arrived at the library without strength. His brother was near the big table in the lobby.

- Sammy, please.

Sam ran towards him, followed closely by Jack. His frightened eyes were filled with concern. There, in the center of the library, the two came face to face.

He couldn't take it anymore, everything around him spun. He saw Cass in every corner of that place. Cass hugging him when they met after Chuck and Amara left. Cass sitting next to him in one of the few moments of peace, celebrating Jack's life.

Cass, smiling through her tears, saying goodbye to never come back.

- He's gone, Sammy.

Finally, the heavy tears broke through the barrier and he fell to the floor. The weight of defeat weighed on his body. He punched his chest several times in penance.

Sam didn't know what had happened, but he suspected it had to do with Castiel's absence. He knelt in front of his brother, pulling him into his arms. He always feared that this day would come, the day when Dean would accept his own feelings, but that Cass would not be there to receive them.

- He's gone, Sammy, gone. And I didn't say. I didn't say, Sammy.

- Put it all out, Dean, don't keep it anymore.

The brother's words allowed him to be the Dean that Castiel once loved.

- CASS!

The aching cry tore at his chest.

Jack watched his parents' pain and felt powerless because there was nothing he could do. All he wanted to do was bring Cass back, but he had no more powers. He no longer had Castiel. His father had died.

The strength with which the angel's name was said in that place full of magic, had the power to transcend the walls and resonate beyond that plane. In heaven, the angels wept for the loss of yet another of them. Castiel had been a friend and also an enemy, in the end being just another puppet in the hands of God.

In hell, Rowena stopped in the middle of a lustful laugh. His eyes watered. After all, the angel also became his boy.

But it was Chuck who was pierced by that spear of pain. He, who in his arrogance despised his own creations, who played with their lives, now felt the agony with such violence that it surprised him. In her mind, Amara's voice, full of bitterness, prophesied:

- Brother, you can lie to yourself as much as you want. But the truth is that you lost your most loyal son, the one who loved you so much, the one you wickedly despised. And I know it hurts you. We feel Dean's pain. And as long as we exist, we will carry that pain as a reminder of how bad we can be.

Chuck turned his eyes to Dean and for a moment hesitated in his firm intention to destroy everything. The weight of loneliness as a reminder of your choices. Sitting on his mythical throne, he was the image of a defeated god.

In the library, Dean continues to cry hugging his brother, his face buried in Sam's chest. It was sad to see that they had switched places, Sammy was taking care of Dean as Dean had always done for him.

- Dean, you need to vent, you can't have all that feeling with you anymore.

The pain, like fire, rose in his throat and was finally released.

- Cass, you are the only one I want to have, my true happiness. Cass, I love you ...

Words can transform. Words heal.

In The Empty, where angels and demons rest, dreaming eternally of their past, Castiel, in his serene sleep, dreams of the words he wanted to hear so much. His lips curl in an affable smile, while a tear escapes his sleeping eyes.

- I always knew, Dean … ----------------------------------------------------------------------------  I wrote this story a few days after the episode aired, listening to "I Will Never Be The Same" (which became the title of this story) by Melissa Etheridge, because this song, for me, is the synthesis of what happened to these two characters. These were, as they have been ever since, days of sadness and anxiety. The question the fandom keeps asking itself: is it really the end? Did the series make Destiel canon to kill Castiel soon after? As a fan, especially as a fan of Destiel, I am still waiting for the return of our beloved angel in the last episode, to finally find happiness with the man she loves. Because these two definitely deserve to be happy after everything they've been through. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------  English is not my first language. Please forgive any mistakes I may have made. And I don't know whose illustration it is. If anyone knows, please let me know so I can give the artist proper credit.

[alvaar-aldaviir]

A TANGENT ON DEVELOPING YOUR OC CHARACTERS AND KEEPING THEM CONSISTENT

(Because I am very passionate about it.)

Prompted from a recent ask, I ended up doing a “quick” and dirty ramble about how I develop my OC characters, and what I do to keep them consistent. Just in case anyone was curious!

Naturally, everyone has their own methods and processes. Explore many and find what works best for you! It never hurts to give other methods a look and use parts of many to develop your own way of doing things.

  For me personally, working towards keeping my original character IN CHARACTER is something I work towards across three main points:

Speaking from knowledge/experience

Giving the character room to “breathe” and practicing it

Don’t go contradicting past actions (without good cause)

Most every good character resonates with parts of their author.

When writing, you’re going to write best from what you know, so it’s very normal to settle into that ‘default state’ where you speak as yourself. That is why it is so very important to go out and get personal experience in many things! Writing extreme sorrow or exuberance comes out most genuine when you write from what you know, weaving in those small personal details (like that painful catch of breath when you sob that is distinct from crying for instance.) Every character you write will have a bit of you in them, and they should! It’s what makes them feel genuine and inspired.

To move more easily beyond traits you know and into the unknown, find and consider other character types and personalities in shows, books, or games (I love games most for this as they’re interactive.) The further you push your experience and knowledge of stories and characters, the more variety of viewpoints and voices you have to draw from. This makes it easier to consider voices different from your own, and be able to write them believably.

But that’s what leads into the very important second point!

    Letting the character have their own “voice” and exercising it.

Personally, I am very loose form about how I create my characters. By that I mean I maybe have a few details, and I let the character sort of explore and pick out their own personality and choices. I do a lot of “snippits” as I call them, small little blurbs of dialogue or scenes that come to mind as I invest into a character. These help to gradually hone down and get an idea of who my character is, and what their quirks are.

For instance, all I had for Alvaar at the start of his journey in FF14 was he was an archer, an Elezen, and a rough base from my own previous OC character: competent, loyal, and a heavy dose of sass with a feathering of flamboyance. From there as I am introduced to ideas and scenarios, I would think about how Alvaar would respond to that situation. What he would say, how he would act, etc. This starts to build a reflex and a “thought library” if you will, of instances I can point back to that help to guide his character.

As I continued with him, I began to fill in details of his background. Why was he the way he is? What traits did he have and how might those have happened? For instance, the idea of an archer just picking up a harp they’d never played before and playing something for the Bard mentor in ff14 seemed unrealistic. So Alvaar would probably have to be familiar with a harp right? That’s a lot of time and practice, so music was likely part of his life for a long time. I had already decided he had anger management issues as one of his personal hurdles he had struggled with, so I considered that music therapy and learning to express his emotions in song instead of aggression might be a good way of him learning to handle his anger problems, tying multiple things on his character in together. That’s why he can speak so earnestly about feelings, and why the path of a Bard comes so naturally and passionately to him.

Think about and test ideas for practice with your character to help you get to know them better!

Pondering and testing possibilities and letting your character speak out and follow their own logical choices let’s them grow organically, and for me, it becomes so inherent to the character that it helps to keep them consistent in voice even if they deviate radically from my own personality. Keep all those small ideas and blurbs. You don’t have to use all of them, but many times you’ll have a good diamond in there you can pull out and delve into more.

You can find character scenarios/prompts and questions online. Consider doing some of them to really test the voice of your character! Every little thought or dialogue strand helps to further chip into who your character is, even if its just an example you decide isn’t them at all! You don’t necessarily need to write them all down or do every single one, but just give it a look and answering even just a few helps to exercise that reflex you want to build.

This is something that may be a bit foreign and weird at first, but trust me, practicing your characters voice eventually gets very easy. And then one day you’re writing along and they surprise you with their own passionate outbursts and actions in a scene, and it becomes your favorite!

    Most anything is fair game, as long as you avoid contradictions!

As I was saying to a friend of mine recently, what often is most important to a character feeling consistent is that their current action doesn’t contradict their past actions WITHOUT GOOD REASON. One of the biggest things people tend to get upset about in long running TV shows are when a character they are familiar with does something completely contradictory to all their past behavior out of the blue.

Read back over your previous works, your snippits, your off the wall dialogue cuts when you’re wanting to get a feel for your character again. Learn to love them. You should know them well and keep them in mind. Never be afraid to pause in the midst of writing something and go back to another work or earlier in the story and look at a similar situation so you can take cues for consistency.

No one has read my work more than I have. I often pause and read back over several pages to make sure things flow well. This naturally gets much better with practice, but you’ll often always be wanting to go back and make sure. Tweaking this or that as you go

Take out what might not fit, or if you’re really interested in the scene going that way, perhaps consider why they might say something so seemingly out of character in this particular instance? Is there an unwritten detail from their past that might be a juicy new idea to have and run with? That’s an opportunity for plot and character development so if you want to use it, be sure to have it make sense and feel appropriate.

You don’t have to put EVERYTHING under a microscope, humans are by nature not perfectly consistent, but for the big decisions, those major moments, be sure to check if it makes sense.

    And that’s my not so short dive into how I work and develop my characters! It’s by no means a professional method, but it is what works for me and how I developed Alvaar Aldaviir into the very solid character he is. I hope it may prove helpful to you in some form, even if its just finding what DOESN’T work for you!

Best of luck, and happy writing!

[bisexualbuck]

That Which We Carry

Day Five of the Evan Buckley Week 2020! The prompt was “You're a good liar” + comfort

Summary: Bobby stops in his tracks.

Buck is sitting on the ground, next to his own car, his keys and phone forgotten next to him. His breathing is loud and short and he has his head in his hands so that his face is hidden.

He’s having a panic attack.

[Read on AO3]

(Full text under read more)

Their shift has been over for almost an hour, but Bobby has taken the time to finish up some paperwork before heading up home.

He says goodbye to the relief crew and jogs down the stairs. This is one of those rare occasions where he can go home at a normal hour, and even better, Athena has a day off today that she has spent with Harry and May.

Bobby finds himself humming an upbeat song he’s been hearing on the radio. The sun is shining and there’s just enough of a breeze to make the temperature bearable.

He notices that Buck has left his car in the parking lot, but thinks nothing of it. The kid does spend an awful lot of time with the Diaz boys, Eddie and Buck probably left together. Bobby smiles, he does not know who they think they’re fooling.

Everyone knows they are closer than friends. If they are not together yet, it won’t be long before they are. He is thrilled for them, they truly deserve that happiness.

Bobby stops in his tracks.

Buck is sitting on the ground, next to his own car, his keys and phone forgotten next to him. His breathing is loud and short and he has his head in his hands so that his face is hidden.

He’s having a panic attack.

“Hey, Buckaroo,” he calls, softly so as not to startle him.

Buck flinches anyway. His breathing, already worrying, only gets more erratic. He jumps up and almost stumbles in his precipitation to get away, to try to hide his panic.

“Bobby,” he breathes out, a harsh and broken sound. “This – I’m – ”

Bobby puts his hands up and, slowly, gets closer to him, though he makes sure that he lets enough space not to make him feel crowded.

“It’s all okay, Buck. You just need to breathe, okay? Focus on my breathing.”

Buck nods, his eyes are wide and scared and fixed on his captain. Bobby takes one long deep breath in, and one long breath out, in, out, in out, until Buck’s breathing calms down, returns to normal. Neither move, the echos of Buck's breathing still resonating in Bobby's ears.

He watches in morbid fascination as Buck puts the pieces of his mask together. Before him, Buck smooths his face into a neutral expression, leaving no trace of his earlier panic. Soon enough, he flashes his captain a beaming smile that does not quite reach his eyes.

“I’m okay, Bobby. Thank you.”

“You’re a good liar,” Bobby realizes with a terrible pang.

And it’s true. Bobby would not have been able to guess Buck was having a full-fleshed panic attack just minutes prior if he hadn’t witnessed it in the first place.

That is a worrying thought because Buck is always wearing his heart on his sleeve, of that they have all been so sure. How many times did he hide how much he’d been suffering? Did Buck ever have a panic attack at the station and no one had any idea?

Shame and concern rise up Bobby’s throat, almost chocking him.

“I’m good. You don’t have to worry about me.”

“I am worried though. Talk to me.”

“It’s nothing, okay. It’s nothing.”

“It’s not nothing if if caused you to have a panic attack in the station’s parking lot." His voice is too sharp and Buck takes a step back. Bobby takes a deep breath and, gentler, asks, "Is is because of a call?”

Bobby tries to think of anything that could have triggered Buck, but he can’t think of anything. They did not have any wild calls at all today and Buck hadn’t looked put out at all. Though he has just learned that maybe it doesn’t mean much. Buck has just shown he is quite apt at hiding his pain.

“Bobby,” Buck says, and the facade crumbles, just a little. “I don’t think I can. Not yet anyway.”

With a soft smile, Bobby simply puts his hand on Buck’s shoulder. Their eyes meet and Bobby hopes that the younger man can read what he can’t say out loud – the love, respect and admiration he caries for this kid. That having a panic attack does not change that, nothing ever could.

“It’s okay,” he says. “I’ll be there when you’re ready.”

The mask shatters.

Buck’s face falls. A sob bursts out of him, and he crumbles onto himself like a puppet whose strings have been snapped.

Bobby does not dare to hold him, afraid he is still reeling from his panic attack and the touch will only send him again. Instead, he keeps his hand on Buck’s shoulder, his grip firm, and Buck puts his own hand on Bobby’s, holding onto it like a lost man at sea holding onto a raft.

The parking lot is still empty when Buck calms down. He avoids his gaze but Bobby wishes he would look at him, he wants him to see that he is no judging him, that he is not disappointed or anything that must be going through Buck’s mind.

They sit down on the ground, only then letting go of each other.

They don’t speak for a moment. Bobby is lost – should he say something? If so, what could he even say?

Buck makes the decision for him.

“My mom called me,” he says.

He’s playing with his hands, a nervous habit that Bobby has noticed him doing from time to time.

“We’re not close – my parents and I. Maddie isn’t close to them either, but it’s always been different.”

He pauses, Bobby does not press. Buck has never been so open about his past and Bobby isn’t about to rush him and risk him closing off again.

“Our parents, they’re the type of people who had kids, not because they wanted to, but because it was the next logical step. They met, they got married, so they had to have kids, right. That’s how the story goes. It’s what’s expected.”

The way he stresses on the word “expected” has Bobby frowning.

“So they had Maddie, and they were done. One kid was more than enough. They were never affectionate with her, but they never loved me. You know there’s an age difference between me and Maddie, it’s because I wasn’t planned. I wasn’t wanted. They told me that many times growing up.”

He sounds so bitter, yet so resigned, and Bobby feels hot red anger burn through his whole body and he struggles to quiet it down.

“They were never cruel or violent. They were just absent.”

He laughs – sharp, no trace of humor in it.

“So today my mom calls me – ‘cause what if people ask about us right? She has to know what we’re doing. So she calls sometimes, and we fight as always. In her head, she has this idea of the perfect family that we ought to be but we just aren’t.”

He stops, bites his bottom lip down so hard Bobby is afraid it’s going to draw blood.

“Buck,” he says, softly, but Buck only shuts his eyes close, a sorrow so deep etched on his face that Bobby is overwhelmed with the need to smooth it down, any way that he can.

“She said that she didn’t know why she couldn’t ever love me but, in moments like those, where we fight, she’s glad she never tried harder.”

Bobby has never been a violent man but if he had Buck’s parents in front of him, he is not sure he would be able to restrain himself. Two emotions battle in Bobby’s heart – anger, at Buck’s mom for being so cruel, and compassion for Buck who never deserved to be treated like that.

Compassion wins out.

That’s what Buck needs right now, support and love.

“I’m sorry. You don’t deserve that.”

Buck does not seem to hear him, too deep he is in his own heartache.

“What does that say about who I am if my own parents couldn’t even give a damn about me? How can I expect anyone else to?”

“This doesn’t say anything about you,” Bobby says, firm but gentle. “It’s on them. I can’t tell you why they treated you the way they did, but it was never your fault. And you have people who care about you. You have the 118, you have Maddie, and Eddie and Christopher. Lots of people love you, Buckaroo.”

Buck wipes at his eyes, “Right. Yeah, I know.”

He looks unconvinced still.

“You don’t need them,” Bobby continues, hoping to reach, to convince him of his own worth. “It’s their loss that they’re not in your life. You and Maddie have become great people, and if they can’t see that, it’s on them.”

Bobby hates seeing Buck so small, so broken. Buck takes so much space with his big heart and his big smile. It’s so unlike him to hold himself like he is trying to disappear, and Bobby’s heart breaks at the sight.

“It’s dumb,” Buck says, shameful. “I’m used to it, I’m over it. Sometimes it still creeps up on me, but don’t worry. I’ll be good as rain in no time.”

“It’s okay to not be okay.” He pause but Bobby forces himself to continue, Buck needs to hear it even if it’s hard for him to say. “You’re not alone, you’ve got us. You’ve got me. Son.”

Buck finally turns to him again. His eyes search Bobby’s, and he must find what he is looking for because he smiles, small but moved.

“Thank you, Bobby.”

“Athena and I have the kids tonight. I was going to make some Cajun chicken. You want to come with?”

“Oh, I don’t know. I wouldn’t want to intrude in on a family night.”

“Buck, I am asking for a family night.”

Tears threaten to spill again from Buck’s eyes but he manages to hold them back.

“Okay,” he says, voice heavy with emotion. “I’ll be there.”

Neither of them are quite saying the words but both are hearing them anyway. Bobby loves Buck like a son, and he thinks Buck might just love him like a dad. Whatever it is, they don’t need to voice it, to put a word on it. They can be their own definition of family.

“Athena will be glad to see you, the kids too. They look up to you.”

“Not sure that’s such a good idea,” Buck jokes but Bobby reads an underlying sense of doubt.

“Buck, come on. We both know that’s not true.”

“Please, no more heartfelt comment. I think I’ve cried enough for today.”

Bobby shakes his head, amused. He gets up, offering his hand to Buck who takes it with a grin.

“I won’t say anything about this to Athena if you don’t want me to.”

“No, I – ” Buck sighs. “I don’t want you to keep secret from her. As I said, it’s fine. I don’t talk about it because it’s not very riveting but I don’t care. I’m used to it. It’s been like that my whole life.”

Once again, Bobby wishes he could have some words with Buck’s parents, but he buries the thought down to, instead, give a quick hug to the man he sees as a son.

.

As soon as Buck arrives at the Grant household, Athena draws him into her arms without even saying a word.

Although he is much taller than her, he feels protected and small in her embrace.

She catches his face when they let go. He isn’t even sure she notices that her thumb is caressing his cheek in a soothing maternal gesture. Her gaze is solemn but kind.

“They do not deserve you, Buckaroo.”

For what feels like the millionth time today, Buck feels overwhelmed and on the verge of crying. She must see it because she gives his cheeks a little squeeze.

“You are a good man with a good heart and you are always welcome here.”

“Athena,” he stars but his voice breaks.

She brings him down to press a soft kiss against his forehead. He wonders if that’s what a mother is supposed to do but, for once, the thought does not bring him pain, only curiosity – as if, maybe, now, he will get a chance to find out too.

“Go on, now,” she shoos him away, gently. “I know Henry’s been wanting to show you his latest game.”

“Thank you, Athena,” he says. “For everything.”

“Anytime.”

He catches Bobby smiling at him too, and Buck finally feels the anguish he has been carrying out all day gets lighter, less suffocating.

It’s not gone yet and maybe it never will be, not fully. But it’s getting better.

He is getting better.

[fictionalrambles]

Shadowhunters Fandom Story - Part Fifteen

Submitted by jwrites_

Five Favourite Fics:

1. What's It Gonna Be by @lemonoclefox

Why I love this fic: I'm a sucker for Pride & Prejudice. San was able to take that dynamic and put it all in a modern day telling of it. I can't count how many times I've read this. Sometimes I read it all the way through, other times I go and find my favorite parts just to get that rush of emotions it never fails to give. The enemies to lovers is done perfectly, the dialogue is great and flows seamlessly, the way she tied in the storyline between Simon, Isabelle, Valentine, and Alec together was genius. I truly love every word of this story.

Favorite scene: Awkward - love - confession - in -  the -  rain

Favorite quote(s):

(Yes. Love confessions are great but have you ever overheard someone say something rude about you and then have the opportunity later that same night to be able to casually call that person out for their comment?)

"Her friend is..." He trails off, as though searching for the word, and Magnus can imagine him gesturing in the meantime. "Interesting," Jace eventually settles on, pointedly.

"Who, that Bane guy?" Alec says, and as he does, Magnus is hit with a wave of intrigued surprise. Does Alec like men? Interesting. The assumption could be wrong, of course, but Jace's tone implies that that's why he's mentioning it. "He's a bit over the top, don't you think?"

He sounds almost disdainful as he says it, as though Jace's mere suggestion is laughable, and Magnus's intrigue immediately shifts to offended annoyance. He straightens a little where he stands, reluctantly affected by it.

--

"I mean, love songs are great," Magnus admits lightly. "But stringing a few pretty words together does seem a bit unoriginal when everyone does it."

Simon shoves him lightly in offense, and Magnus can't help but laugh.

"Then what do you suggest?" Magnus is taken completely by surprise when he realizes that it's Alec who's speaking, and he turns to him. The guy's expression is neutral, but seems genuinely curious.

"Oh, I don't know," Magnus says, swirling his drink around in his glass. He shrugs. "I suppose I'm more a fan of showing and not telling. I'd much prefer someone showing interest in what I like and who I am, than comparing my eyes to the night sky, and whatnot." He gestures airily, then hesitates. He suddenly can't seem to stop himself, the memory of the Lightwoods' overheard conversation bubbling to the surface. "I think most people can appreciate that. Even if some of us are a bit over the top."

--Okay...I'm gonna go ahead and throw in a love confession~

"Look, I don't expect anything from you," he says, as though the words are hard to say. "You've made your feelings pretty clear, and I respect that. But I heard you talked to my mom, and with the stuff you said to her... I guess it just kind of made me a bit hopeful, or something. A bit." He clears his throat, while Magnus just listens. He turns to watch Alec's profile as the young man struggles to find the words, eyes on the view in front of him. "Either way, I'll admit that how I feel hasn't really changed. Maybe it should have, but..."

Alec shakes his head, and Magnus feels his throat go dry. He wants to interrupt Alec, wants to say and show everything that's bursting out of his chest, but he waits. Alec takes a deep breath then, turns to him. He looks determined.

"If you want me to," he says steadily, "I'll go. I'll leave you alone, I promise. You won't hear from me again." He pauses, licks his lips. "But if you don't want me to, if something has changed since last time, somehow... I'd really like to know. Because that would be pretty great."

2. 42 North 71 West by @lecrit​

Why I love this fic: I was blessed with the opportunity to witness Lu working on this fic from its conception to its end. I was there and still I am blown away at the way she was able to work the time jumps. I remember thinking with every chapter I read, 'Wow. The way she is telling this story is amazing. She is amazing.' Lu has a way of presenting so much honesty in her characters. She writes them in a way that feels so real, that you can't help but understand their fears and hesitations even though it hurts. The story is a back and forth told through scenes set in the past and present. You get to see what they were and where they are. The story is beautifully heartbreaking. And she was able to make me enjoy a story that dealt with politics? What? Sorcery, I tell you. -- also, the bench.

Favorite scene: This was almost impossible to choose and I took way too long trying to pinpoint just one. But I'm going to go with one that I hold very dear. When Magnus goes to visit Alec on his birthday and he finds Alec playing the song he only plays when he's sad. That's all I'm going to say because I don't want to spoil~

Favorite quote(s):

“Magnus,” Alec breathes out.

The name feels almost foreign, as if he hadn’t uttered it in too long and now his mind is troubling to catch up with his mouth. Still, it manages to make Alec’s heart stutter.

--

“We should’ve stayed on that bench in Boston,” he murmurs.

--

The good thing is, he knows where to go to find his way back. It is inked on his body, engraved into his soul, sealed into his heart.

3. Lead The Way by Clockworkswan

Why I love this fic: Because it takes the wonderful adventure of Doctor Who and packs it in with Malec. This is the ultimate fun and feel good but you will also cry at one point fic. I always go back to it if I want a wonderfully written Doctor Magnus and his adorable companion Alec. Seriously, even if you're not into Doctor Who, give this fic a shot. It's written in a way that you will get so caught up in the adventure that you won't even realize it's based on something else. And if you're a Doctor Who fan, you're in luck with all the little Easter Eggs Heather left throughout.

Favorite scene: I really don't want to spoil anything. The planet of Ablorix. This will mean nothing if you don't read the fic (so you should ;])

Favorite quote(s):

Magnus extends a hand. It’s just like before, when they were in the hallway a couple of weeks ago. It’s just as inviting as it was the first time.

“How about it, pretty boy? Name a star. Any one will do. Or a date,” Magnus says. The double meaning is evident when he winks. He pauses then, and his expression shifts, growing solemn.

A clear shift in his demeanour happens. Magnus turns from playful to sincere in the blink of an eye. Although, there was also a serious tone to it. Magnus looks at him, and understanding eyes meet Alec’s hesitant ones. “Alexander, you seem like a man in need of a break, and I am very much a man in need of a friend. Adventures are always a quick way in figuring out what you want. What do you say?”

What does he say?

He says yes.

Of course Alec does.

--

Before Magnus can think of a good retort, he tries to ignore the clenching ache his stomach gives at the sight of a confident, smirking Alec Lightwood watching him so openly. He settles for pointing in a random direction. “I have to go and see a dog about a man. Meet back here in five?”

“Uh, isn’t the expression, ‘see a man about a dog’?”

“Not when the dog ran off with the man’s wife. A rather big scandal, it seems. The president wants me to try and step in. Smooth things over, so to speak.”

At that, Alec just stares blankly.

Magnus holds up a finger. “Yes, this is normal for me. No, you may not come along. Go.”

4. Love & Other Drugs prequel of Our Love Is A Harsh Chord in the Semi-charmed Kind Life series by @la-muerta​

Why I love this fic: I'm kind of cheating here by listing two fics but they're a package deal. Love & Other Drugs was a smutty one-shot that left me wanting

more...

backstory. Let me tell you the pining and 'unrequited' love between those two demanded a story to be written. Which is why when la_muerta ran a poll on whether or not she should start it or another series first, I campaigned for this one like it was my job (I lost but I still got the series eventually so did I really lose?) The writing in this and with all of la_muerta's fics will hook you. The sadness over the back and forth between them is done so well. It's angst that will grip you and hold onto you until you eventually finish. Just go on the twitter hashtag of #OLIAHCfic and see my screaming.

Favorite scene: Probably the LSD scene.

Favorite quote(s):

Alec was still here, in bed with him.

How many times had Magnus wished that he could wake up with Alec in his arms? He didn't dare to move, wanting the dream to last a little longer, but Alec was already stirring.

--

he'll wonder if life would be a little easier if he wasn't hopelessly in love with Magnus, but it is a fact of who he is now: Alec Lightwood is 6'3, has dark hair, is gay, and is in love with Magnus Bane.

--

They are lying next to each other now, turned on their sides and face to face. The world is no longer warped and weird, but glowing and perfect. Magnus is tracing a path of lightning down Alec's body with his fingertips, and in a moment of clarity Alec understands that in Magnus' eyes he is as beautiful as he thinks Magnus is (it is the first thing Alec forgets when he wakes up sober later).

--

Words aren't enough to express how he feels, but they've always understood each other better when clumsy words don't get in the way.

5. The Lonely Hearts Hotline by @unrestrainedlyexcessive​

Why I love this fic: It's funny, it's endearing, it's heart wrenching, it's sexy, etc. The way Alec is written in this fic is one of my favorite characterizations. The way his situation can resonate with so many young adults today. That feeling when you're an adult and you feel like you should know what to do with your life and who you should be but the truth is, you're still just as lost as always. Being an adult sucks tbh and even when you're an adult, sometimes life doesn't quite feel like it. Alec's character and growth in this fic is beautiful. (I also really loved Jace in this fic)

Favorite scene: A tough choice. Probably the office party and follow up scene in Magnus' office.

Favorite quote(s):

The problem with being a new grad, in general, is that the world and job force demands you have experience, but you have to live a certain number of productive years on the planet to gain that experience.

Early adulthood is no man's land. You don’t have the experience to matter and no one wants to pay you to gain it, hence how he ended up in the precarious situation he’s in: dodgy sex work by night, an even dodgier roommate, and desperately hoping an internship eventually turns into an actual paying job.

--

Magnus runs his tongue down the knobs of Alec's spine. "You're so beautiful," he says, pausing.

"I'm really not," Alec insists, eyes fluttering closed.

"Why are you so kind to everyone except yourself?"

"I'm a work in progress."

"Aren't we all?"

[eshrii]

Sing Ring Release

This is from Emitsun’s book, Ho・Ho・E・Mi Happy Music Vol. 2! She talks about her re-debut and the struggles and thoughts she had throughout the whole process. I’m still not very good with Japanese, so I’m sorry for any errors. This is a little long though, so enjoy!

_______________________________________________________________________

This Spring, in a renewed environment, Emitsun releases her Re-Debut Single ‘Sing Ring’ 2 years after her last work.

Suddenly finding herself in an unexpected painful experience, from here on out she tries to move forward one step at a time, filled with an honest desire.

Just for the readers, ‘Ho-Ho-E-Mi Happy Music Vol. 2’ delivers a special full version of the interview seen in ‘LisAni! Volume 40’.

Now, let’s get started!

Nitta San’s eagerly awaited for new work comes from music producer Yohei Kisara san, who is representing his label ‘Stray Cats’. Furthermore, this time it is labelled as a ‘Re-Debut single’.

It’s not really because I took a break from music activities per say, but because the label changed and we’re making music with a new team, it became a ‘re-debut’. Kisara San has been looking after me ever since I became a voice actress, but this is the first time working with Emi Nitta the artist, and there was a lot we didn’t know about each other (laughs).

It’s been approximately 2 years since you last released your album ‘EMUSIC 32-meets you-’ in May 2018 but during that time, what sort of thoughts or emotions did you have about your music work?

I communicated this before to the fan club, but around the summer of 2018 I was actually diagnosed with dysphonia (T/N: a vocal disorder causing difficulty in vocalization). When we were in production for that album, my singing and speaking felt uncomfortable, and during the solo concert at NHK Hall in June 2018, I was singing with a lot of anxiety. In that state I couldn’t express my music the way I wanted to, and once I thought that maybe I should take a break from singing, but that’s also difficult…

What did you mean when you said Dysphonia?

I didn’t have any abnormalities in my vocal cords, but for some reason I couldn’t control my voice. There’s lots of different types of Dysphonia, sometimes stress is the cause, for some it’s  physical condition, or an issue with the autonomic nerves, but there’s no real way of figuring out the specific cause. For me, I don’t know what’s wrong, but I just know that it’s definitely something that makes me unable to sing. That’s why for about a year and a half I honestly just had to stop singing. I was really worried about not being able to meet everyone’s expectations, and even with public appearances I thought ‘I can’t do this’ and slowly became depressed. Nevertheless, when I revealed my condition through the fan club, I received a lot of warm messages from a lot of different people. They told me that everyone’s still waiting for my songs, and until I am able to sing, I can still and try to do other things.

You faced a lot of challenges because of that didn’t you?

I’m the type of person that hates to lose. Because of that, I tried a lot of things: singing with a fit monitor, listening with a guide melody (T/N: a melody that helps you stay in tune during karaoke), but ultimately it didn’t really do much (laughs). But last year I was invited to perform at LisAni! LIVE BEIJING, and it was an environment where nobody knew my songs. I didn’t have the pressure of people’s expectations on my back, and it was a lot of fun. That was the time when I turned towards considering the notion of a re-debut. Even though I was filled with anxiety, when I thought ‘Ah, I can still have fun singing’, I gained a lot of self-confidence. Honestly, from this point in my music activities, I always think ‘today is my worst day’. From here onwards, tomorrow will be better than today, and the day after that and so on; one by one I hope I will find my music and my voice.

Nevertheless, there must have been some painful and frustrating thoughts.

Of course. But I think that feelings of frustration and regret can be a source of encouragement. When it comes to frustration and regret, just let it run its course (laughs). When we announced the re-debut, the fans were really happy and grateful, and that gave me a lot of strength. For me, a singer is someone who can give someone strength and a push on their back through song, and I thought, ‘can I be that kind of singer too?’ That’s the kind of courage I received.

This time, the new song ‘Sing Ring’ is filled with exactly those feelings right?

Thank you. This time it’s a re-debut, so for that first song we had a talk about who would be able to write it for us. 2020 is the 10th anniversary of my voice actress debut, so I thought I could ask someone with whom I have a deep connection from back then. From my very first voice acting job, “T.P. Sakura~Time Paladin”, we asked Yozuca* san, who sang the ending theme, if she could compose and write the lyrics. Yozuca* san is my senpai who has been a singer for a very long time, and I have also already had the pleasure of singing one of her songs before (T/N: Yozuca* has also written songs for μ's).

Before Nitta san’s debut, Yozuca* san also sang “Time Capsule”, the insert song for the game “D.C. III P.P.~ Da Capo III Platinum Partner~”.

Ah yes. Yozuca* san also came to see my concert at NHK hall and it was a big thing for me. At that performance, Yozuca* san took my hand and told me “It’s okay, everyone here is your ally”. At that time I felt like I had accidentally let my anxiety show, but the me during the performance back in 2016 at the Pacifico Yokohama Convention Center, when I was pumped and full of energy, and the me afterwards that full of anxiety and nervousness- Yozuca* san saw both sides of me, and because of that she understood my feelings, and would be able to write a song with those feelings: “‘from here on out, I’ll crawl and slowly get stronger and stronger into the me I want everyone to see”.

When it was decided that Yozuca* san would work on the song, did you go and talk to her directly? 

Yes. I talked about my thoughts on the re-debut, my regrets on being unable to sing how I wanted, my current feelings. We talked about a lot of things, and she was able to translate them into wonderful words that could hopefully be conveyed to the fans. That’s why even though I didn’t write the lyrics myself, I still felt that it was my song, and the first time I received the song, I couldn’t stop crying. Even if it’s not me, it’s a song that resonates with people who have worked hard at something and have experienced setbacks and failures.

The name ‘Sing Ring’, it’s a very Nitta san thing isn’t it. Even before making this album you had a song that you wrote yourself called ‘In the Ring’.

For me, the word 輪[wa] or Ring, is a special word, even my fan club name is ‘EmiRing◎’, but I didn’t tell that to Yozuca* san. However, when I received the song, that was the name and I felt that it was fate. Until now there have been a lot of things that didn’t go well,  but even then there’s something there that feels connected. Speaking of which, this re-debut seems to be the same; my anxiety has turned into this wonderful song, and I think nothing was done in vain.

In the beginning , you start the song with acapella no? When I first listened to it, I could feel Nitta san’s resolve. You’ve been slowly and earnestly coming to terms with your current singing voice, would you call this your will to move forward?

That acapella part was actually an idea that Yozuca* san had during recording. I couldn’t really sing that well, but she was watching over me while I was singing desperately, and suggested “at the beginning why don’t you try singing it acapella almost like you’re humming it”. If you were to ask me if this song is 100% an Emi Nitta song, technically speaking it isn’t, I felt like I could’ve sang 200%, 300%....I’m still not fully satisfied with it (laughs).

At any rate, you’ve done everything in your power right now.

Yes. I think that there are a lot of things that I wouldn’t have realized if I hadn’t broke, and things that I couldn’t see until I fell. That’s why if it was past me singing like I had before, this song would most definitely just be an ordinary song, I wouldn’t have been the right person for this song. I feel like having experienced frustrations and troubles are needed to sing this song (laughs).

The lyrics in the beginning, ‘this voice resounds, and I walk from here’, and the hook ‘you don’t have to be your ideal self’ etc., the substance of the lyrics are quite frank aren’t they?

But by no means does it mean weakness, right? Even if I stumble, what’s inside of me hasn’t changed- it’s the feeling of wanting to cheer on people who are trying their best. Even if I showed my weakness, I definitely do not feel despair. It’s just like yelling ‘I’m frustrated!’ (laughs). Something that I’m really grateful for is that Yozuca* san said ‘I can write a song that has softer sounds, but I can understand the feelings of an Emitsun who wants to look cool in front of everyone’, and that one little feeling made it into the song without any difference. That’s why this song is a ‘I’m pitiful but I want to be cool’ type of song...I’m embarrassing (laughs).

There’s also a section where Yozuca* san seems to be telling Nitta san through the lyrics about the importance of moving forward at your own pace.

This was a song made for the current me, but I will definitely change from here on out. I think that there’s some things that will never change though, which is why when I received this song, I was able to think ‘I want to sing this song for decades to come!’. From there I was able to affirm that feeling that I was moving forward, this song is the first step to a brand new start, and it was an extremely big first step. That’s why during recording, of course there would be some not-so-great takes, but I was happy with every retake, and I was blessed to be able to sing the song so many times.

It’s important to continue to do the best you can without giving up.

It’s not about “if you don’t give up your dreams will come true”, but “don’t give up until your dreams come true”. In my life, I’ve been blessed with the people and the environment around me. That’s why I think ‘if you can’t hang on to your dream, then what else can you do?’ I want to be that kind of person that connects people to their dreams too. Actually, I don’t really like the phrase ‘do your best’ (ganbaru) . I feel like for some people those words might feel pushy. That’s why I’ll do my best, and hopefully if someone else sees it, they’ll be encouraged and want to work hard for themselves too. I’d be happy if that happens.

In that sense, it’s a very human song isn’t it?

I think it has a lot to do with my age as well. In terms of my appearance, my skin will get wrinkly but as I get older my experience will also grow, and I’ll be able to put myself into different things and doing it with my own body which I think is a really nice thought. Therefore I would like to do as much as I can to the best of my ability...this is a bit heavy isn’t it (laughs).

No, no it’s okay that the song’s story is a little heavy (laughs)

It’s definitely not a song that screams “listen to me!”(laughs).

Now, let’s talk about the coupling songs. Aside from the main song, there are two more new songs alongside it.

Since it’s a re-debut, I thought it’d be a great opportunity to bring music to everyone so I wanted to make a lot of new songs. My own self-indulgence was granted and this time the single has three songs. The three songs are all really different so it kind of feels like a mini album!

Firstly, your tv program that is being broadcasted on the tabi channel, ‘Emi Nitta’s Girl Trips’, the opening theme is ‘Everyday a Lucky Day!’. What kind of image was made for this song?

“I want to do ‘the Emi Nitta everyone thinks of’ character song” is the request I made. I wanted to make a song that was catchy and would make the heart cheerful. From all the songs we gathered, I chose the one that was the happiest and most exciting. I especially like the lyrics ‘The lucky song only for me’. I wonder if the extraordinary lucky song is tired of pushing me forward. Actually, I can already imagine what the atmosphere would be like when I sing this song live. Of course it’s one thing to simply listen to the song, but I think it’s much more fun and happy to experience it live. It’s the little things that can make someone happy, and I think that it’s nice for people to be able to enjoy everyday. That’s why for me, I want to be a woman that matches this song, even as I grow older.

The other song, Oratio, done in collaboration with the anime ‘Arad: Ring of Reversal’ as the opening theme, has a very heroic, rock tune.

The name of the song, ‘Oratio’, means ‘prayer’. It’s a collaborative work, so we wanted to get close to the world view of the anime. It has a good meaning, and it became ‘the anime song’. There aren't many opportunities to write '腕'(ude) and read it as 'kaina'(T/N: Don’t really know what she’s referring to here). As a person who immerses themselves in the world, it's a song that you can't help but get pumped up (laughs).

It’s a work that’s very suitable for a re-debut, and you can get to meet various expressions of Nitta san. Lastly, it might be a little too early but are there any new plans or things you want to try after the re-debut?

First we have the release, after that I think there’s a lot of things that we can do but, for the longest time, I have had this dream to sing for ten years and beyond. That's why, I’ll start by making my own path, facing what’s in front of me step by step. Of course, one of the things I want to do is a solo concert. I think it's a special thing to be able to share the same time with everyone, and even now I still go to the lives of my favourite artists, and I received unforgettable songs and moments. Perhaps, some people might not be able to listen to my songs, there are some people who go through the trouble of coming to fan club events from overseas, so not just Japan, but someday I'd like to be able to deliver it overseas too.

Your dreams have expanded haven’t they?

There’s definitely a lot of things I want to do. It’s a bit of a selfish desire, but I really love Winter and Christmas songs, so one of my dreams is to create a Christmas album someday. I’m really excited for the things I love to take shape, and I’m sure the fans will be very pleased as well. Obviously there are some people who express their despair through song, but I can sing because I seek a future beyond that. Therefore my feelings are ‘Hallelujah!’ (laughs).

Translated by eshrii/ashtrees_(twitter)

[ateezgf]

Happy December❣️it's finally time for the Atiny Advent calendar/ Atiny Scret Santa. :3 I wmated to ask who your Bias is and why? And did it change over time our is your current bias still the very first bias you had in Ateez? 😊😏 Also what's your favorite colour? I hope you have a great day!💞💞 - your Atiny Anon 🧸

hello hello hello !!!! im so excited to talk to you and get to know you hehe.i’ll start this off by saying my favorite color is green~ because you’re about to find out just how whipped and ... simpy i can get for mr. choi san. 

tl;dr — i think san is neat in every single way & i would give this man the whole world if he wanted it 

he’s been my bias since kq fellaz, so he’s always just been my dude since day 1. he’s actually my number one ult bias too :D !!! what caught my eye first about san was honestly.. just how cute and gentle he is. like one of the first things he did was make his plushie say hi to the camera like 😭!! after that, i was just so... enamored by him. like in kq fellaz, he was just always so upbeat and he was carrying around his plushie everywhere. “where i have been, shiber has been also” LIKE HELLOOOO THAT’S SO CUTE!!! and then that seen of him drinking water on a whole ass roller coaster??? like yes, king. stay hydrated! and then he talked about his grandparents and i just .. </3 because i can relate and i just AH !! and then he debuted and i was just able to see more of how caring he is, especially to the staff members. and he’s so humble. like in that dingo prank on ateez, he got asked if he was a singer & he just said he liked music like BRO!!! and just seeing how carefree he gets around the members, and how even when he’s being really really bratty, he is still dotting on the other members. he’s always on the ready to comfort the members if they need it and he’s always so so so so supportive of them. 

AND HE’S SO HARDWORKING TOO!! god, i still think about how he talked about how he struggled to learn blood,sweat, and tears during trainee days and ended up performing it RIGHT IN FRONT OF BTS AT MAMA like oh my GOD!!!! he’s so talented and hardworking. and his absolute duality on/off stage.. UNMATCHED! i dont rly like pushing the “san demon” agenda but he is just.. SOMETHING ELSE when he hits that stage. ateez’s songs and aesthetics are perfect for him. not to mention his vocals?? UGH. i’ve seen a lot of amazing performers in kpop over the years, but no one can match san. and i mean that in a completely unbiased way. im not trying to say that he’s better than some of the obviously amazing performers, but he’s so amazing and the way he performs makes him different from everyone else. like it makes me go </3 </3 when i found out that him & ateez know about all those people saying he over-performs and stuff. like hello, he’s been praised by a wide variety of respected choreographers & his facials are off the charts! he makes each performance different and absolutely amazing & interesting. 

oooh oh oooh, going back on him being humble. i rly appreciate how open ateez are with us. like, theyre not obligated to do that AT ALL. like, we as fans honestly have no right to knowing their insecurities and worries but they still tell us and like.. i dunno. when i found out how san worries himself sometimes, i just really resonated with him & it really made me want to hug him and just tell him just how appreciated he is. like omg i got his “Always happy” tattooed on me, bUT IT’S MAINLY JUST A REMINDER TO ME that i should always try to remain happy in life the way san does. like i wont rly consider it a kpop tattoo tbh.. just a tattoo semi-designed by someone special in kpop </3 

absolutely love the way he smiles and the way his eyes sparkle too UGH not to mention how cuddly he gets and pouty and AH OK I’LL STOP

[bl4cklabyrinth]

ROCKIN’ON JAPAN December 2018 Interview Translation: Hiro talks about S･S･S

Disclaimer: Please do not retranslate my work into other languages, as my translation may not be accurate. I am no Japanese or English native.

The biggest thank you to Anna for helping me get the magazine clippings!

Photo from here.

The band has overcome its limits, and has given life to the masterpiece “S･S･S”

A solo interview with Hiro, where he shares his thoughts on finally getting to where he is now!

The rock band MY FIRST STORY has finally reached its full potential and came out with a simply amazing album.

Hiro has been making declarations for quite some time now – his thoughts towards his family, the meaning of his life, and the meaning behind his songs. At times they’ve been fired as a clear declaration of war and at other times as words of encouragement, but the truth is, until their last album “ANTITHESE”, those declarations naturally became a melody, a lyric, a song, against which MFS has always struggled alone. 

However, this album is different. This album is solely dedicated to music. It’s just rock. It’s purely loud and piercingly melodious. 

High quality, open, and very poppy music is being sought after. This is, so to speak, practically the first album they’ve made in which Hiro’s talent as a musician bloomed upward beautifully. It’s been 7 years since their debut, and it’s incredible how they were able to make it this far to get a chance at performing for 2 days at Yokohama Arena. 

MFS and Hiro’s journey is finally approaching its quintessence from hereon. I talked at length with Hiro, who had made a breakthrough.

- How’s the band doing?

Hiro: It’s been pretty good. For better or for worse, we haven’t been aggressive since Budokan. I think we’ve been able to maintain our pace without spiralling out of control. 

- Would it be safe to assume that that vibe was reflected in this album?

Hiro: Actually, I think this is the album that came out the best. On the flipside, it felt like everyone was just completely following my lead for our last album “ANTITHESE” (laughs). While continuing the course of the previous album, it was through our egos then and our desire to “take it easy”, “ do things freely”, and “try out all sorts of things” that this album came about.

- “ANTITHESE” was made in such a way that it just drilled you down, drove you into a corner, and squeezed you dry. Was the process completely different this time?

Hiro: About 3 or 4 songs on this album have been around since we made “ANTITHESE”. The songs “M.A.D” and “REMEMBER” are two of those, and more came about when I discussed how I wanted to make more songs like them with the members. “ANTITHESE” came together nicely, and I thought it would be nice if we could develop it further with these two songs.

- So there was no talk of putting those two songs on “ANTITHESE”, huh.

Hiro: In my mind, those 14 songs are the full maximum, no more or less than that. I didn’t want to put anything extra. But I thought, “The songs are cool, I wanna release them. Maybe in the next album.”

- I see. Did you already have some sort of vision as to what you wanted the album to be like from that stage?

Hiro: I did. “ANTITHESE” is like a boy while this one’s like a young man, as if it got a bit more mature. There are a lot of minor details that went into it like chord progressions, riffs, melodies, and rhythms, but we made it wanting to convey a sense of indirectness or something like, “Ah, this is pretty cool” when listened to.

- That sounds great. It’s like an upgraded version of the band, like “MY FIRST STORY 2.0”.

Hiro: That’s right (laughs).

- I suppose you could make another album like “ANTITHESE”, but to return to that point in your life...?

Hiro: That’s pretty tough (laughs). Once you’ve spit it all out once, the things you want to say the second time around will definitely be different. I can’t make another album like that.

- I believe you struggled in order to put out the album “ANTITHESE”, but after doing so, did you feel something like, “I’ve wrung out everything I wanted to say, what do I do now?”

Hiro: I did, I did. Personality-wise, I can’t keep writing lyrics that only convey “hope”. There are a lot of other artists who can do just that and make it resonate with everyone, so when we realized that that wasn’t what we should be doing, we thought we had to write ourselves realistically the way we are now. It’s easier to get a bird’s eye view of the song’s world rather than the lyrics’, so I would say, “We made a song like this last time, let’s try to make it more stylish by adding a tension chord,” or have an idea in my head like, “We did this last time, maybe we should do this next time”. I honestly thought it’d be boring if we only put out songs like “ALONE” or “Fukagyaku”, and the songs themselves aren’t gonna die out anyway, so “ACCIDENT” was born. Sometimes it’s harder to figure out how to flesh things out from there (laughs). 

- In terms of lyrics, what kind of changes have taken place since the end of “ANTITHESE” up to this point in time?

Hiro: Probably up until around “ALONE” and “ANTITHESE”, the lyrics had only been about me. But as you would expect, there isn’t much more to say (laughs). I’m not all hate. The lyrics I envision or write are of my ideal person. So it doesn’t mean that I live my life that way every day – of course I’ve betrayed myself countless times, and I’ve lied to myself as well, but you can’t see that part of me from the outside. Those who receive it as a song lyric always think that that’s all there is to it. Humans aren’t that strong – there are days when your mind is on the edge, and there are days when you feel like you’re not your usual self. Rather, I think it’s during times like that when people can relate to the lyrics. When I started writing with that in mind, I was surprised at how much I could write. I was so adamant about needing to write in that tone of voice, but I was able to remove that part of me after doing Budokan which made things a lot easier.

- The more you listen to it, the more you realize that the lyrics are very personal. You also feel a sense of living that you’ve never felt before.

Hiro: Yes. It’s important to show different sides of myself, otherwise I wouldn’t be able to write more in the future. I also look forward to what kinds of reactions I’ll get when I put out such things. It’s like, I didn’t cook anything super elaborate, I just tried making something out of what I had in the fridge. But I’ve been doing this for 7 years now, so I think I can make a pretty decent meal with what’s stocked in the refrigerator (laughs). You can do a lot of things with the nuance “as long as the dish is good”. I think that’s how the album came to be, in a good way.

- I think that’s a great change. For the longest time you’ve been setting up some sort of hurdle that goes, “How many people truly understand what I’m feeling here?” but that was taken away and now it’s just like, “If you like music, give it a listen”.

Hiro: That’s true. In a sense, I’ve finished what I wanted to do, so I thought I’d take a more casual approach to MY FIRST STORY. I’m now able to challenge all sorts of things I wasn’t able to do in the past. Conversely, I think the 5 years after Budokan will be even more difficult.

- In the days leading up to Budokan, MFS as well as Hiro were looking for a way to end things, or even a way of life in which things would personally end in the most beautiful way possible.

Hiro: Right. It’s still the same now, it’s never ending, but I definitely don’t want to continue doing this on an emotional level. So far, we’ve made it clear that we’re aiming for Tokyo Dome. I think it’d be tough for the people watching over us to support us if they didn’t know what we want to do, what we’re trying to achieve or what our goal is. We can’t keep running in the dark with no goal in sight, but we have to keep running regardless. By putting what lies ahead of me into words, I feel like it solidifies the path I should be taking. When we started the band, our goal was Budokan, but after finishing that, it became Tokyo Dome. This time, I wonder what will happen next after Tokyo Dome is over. Only then will we know what the future holds, but right now, I think Tokyo Dome will be the end of the road for MFS 2.0.

- Then after that, you might find something new again, or you might think, “It’s over”. You never really know, huh.

Hiro: Yeah. It’s like a plot with a clear introduction, development, twist, and conclusion. We’re called MY FIRST STORY after all, so if we don’t convince ourselves that we’re in a story with a beginning and end, we won’t be able to continue running ahead. I’m the type of person who can’t pull through unless I set a goal to run for 1 hour or 10 km. Because we decide on a location to aim towards, in a sense, we become able to keep moving forward. 

- I see. That’s a good mode to be in.

Hiro: That’s right. It would be tough if I kept the same pace as I did moving towards Budokan (laughs). And even if I did go at the same pace, I don’t know if I’d be able to make it. If I thought about it all the way through until we got there, everyone else would be thinking about it too, so I thought it’d be better to stop fussing over it for a while. I’ve thought about it enough. So for now, at our own pace, we’re focusing on working with what we can sensibly come up with, what would be good for us to do, and what we’re capable of doing now. I believe it’s for the best.

- I really admire how Hiro, who was searching for his final destination, is now singing about wanting to continue on with MY FIRST STORY.

Hiro: Yeah. I as well as the members are excited for what lies ahead, not having to be bound to a certain rock band image or genre. Of course, the members and I definitely have our pride and things we want to maintain, but none of us have a “must do this” mentality. Because of this, I think there’ll be more opportunities to try things out in the future. With the addition of Kid’z, we’ve moved past Budokan, and I’m sure there’ll be even more in store from now on. The members have been getting along really well lately. We’ve been hanging out a lot, and when I taught them how to play poker, they all got hooked and played together until morning (laughs). 

- For real? (laughs)

Hiro: When you spend time together outside band activities, your perceived values become the same, and the things that come out of that will be more different than how they’ve always been in the past. I think the ideas we’ve been putting out and reconciling with each other up to now are becoming more and more whole. If you don’t experience or feel the same things on a regular basis, you won’t be able to create much. I think we blend together really well right now, so I’m looking forward to the future.

- The first thing I noticed this time was your voice. The way you sang and the variations in your singing voice were really well done. It’s like, “There’s this drawer, and this drawer, and if you’d like, there’s this ceiling”. It kind of felt like that way of singing was finally unleashed.

Hiro: Really? Thank you. For me, it didn’t feel that way this time at all, I felt it more so when I made “ANTITHESE”. But just like the “even if you overthink things, there’s nothing much you can do” thing I mentioned earlier, if you think too much about it and then try to sing, that’s when you surprisingly become unable to sing. So now, instead of trying to sing without letting the pressure get to my head, I focus more on casually internalizing what I would think if I were the listener. Mainly thinking, “If I add a little touch here, would it sound weird,” or “I wonder if it isn’t bad”, I would’ve sung it rather quickly so I wouldn’t think too much about it.

- So it would be like you were just singing along to the music?

Hiro: Yeah. As if that’s just the way I wanted it to be.

- I’m sure there were a lot of variations in terms of music, so inevitably I’d assume there were variations in the songs as well.

Hiro: Ahh, I really wanted to make an album that wasn’t straightforward. Of course there are straightforward songs as well, but I wanted to throw in a few curve balls there too. Curves, sliders, forks, knuckles, all sorts of things were thrown together to make it work, and specifically having that in mind made things easy to understand when we were putting the songs in. It’s like, “No matter how you look at it, it’s this kind of song. Well then, let’s sing it that way”. It was easy to grasp for me as a listener and as a singer.

- If you listen to this album objectively, what do you think about your vocals?

Hiro: I’d tell myself, “You had a lot in mind when you were recording, huh.” However, I can definitely sing without an issue this time around, so I feel totally fine listening to myself now. I’m really jealous of people who can shake it off and say, “This is who I am”, because I can’t. But I was thinking, if I could push myself hard enough to be able to sing like that one day, I’d feel much better, or perhaps something new will be born within me from there. This album allowed me to experience that. Rather than having me in the song, it’s something I created, something I can present as a part of myself. This album shows the breadth of my own evolution and what lies ahead. It goes the same way for MFS as a whole, too. That’s why I’m really glad we tried making an album like this.

- You’d want to say, “It’s a masterpiece!” but I feel like it’s more so “There’s gonna be more masterpieces from now on”.

Hiro: That’s right. It’s like the meat in a course meal. And then it’s gonna be like, “We’re serving pasta after this,” “Eh, seriously!?” (laughs)

- Even the band members are playing very freely, huh.

Hiro: Yes. This time, I wasn’t present for the members’ recording sessions at all. They’d call me and ask, “What do we do here?” and I’d answer, “Eh? Anything goes” (laughs). Of course I knew the dates, but I wouldn’t go even if I was free (laughs). There’s nothing for me to do there even if I went, and we all have our own things we want to pursue and things we want to do with the songs. I didn’t think it was right for me to say how things should be done. Even my parts aren’t perfect, and I wouldn’t know what to say to the member in question if I wasn’t sure whether the part they worked on was done correctly or not, and I feel like telling them what to do would take out all the fun. Realizing that it’s better for me to listen objectively to a piece of work created through everyone’s efforts was a huge help. On top of that, I’m able to do the things I want to do – it’s already an ideal situation (laughs). I don’t care what they do, as long as they don’t commit a crime (laughs).

- Amazing. I never thought the day would come that I’d hear those words from you (laughs).

Hiro: Hahahaha, it’s true. We didn’t start out as friends. We just considered each other as fellow members when we started the band, always keeping one another in check with a great deal of care and a little bit of stress. However, even if Budokan was for me and for everyone listening, it was the members who understood me the best. From that point on, we didn’t really mind each other’s businesses anymore, and it became like, “Why don’t we just say what we want to say to each other, we’ve come this far after all?” They know their parts, and they know themselves better than anyone else, so there isn’t a whole lot to complain about anymore. Even if one of us would make a mistake at a show, we wouldn’t say, “Play it right” or anything like that anymore. They know what they’re doing, and they know that there’s nothing else to respond to such a comment other than “I’m sorry”. If doing so would immediately change things then go for it, but if they continue on without changing then just tell them off. They’re not the kind of dudes who don’t do anything, and on the contrary, it is me who gets his ass kicked more often than not, so I don’t really have anything to say to that. That’s about as good as it’s gonna get.

- That’s great. You’ve finally come this far, huh.

Hiro: Yeah. I’ve been feeling like I’ve gone rather far lately (laughs).

- Is it because you made this album?

Hiro: I think it’s more because we were able to appreciate each other more, or realize, “It’s okay to do this now”. As for the album, it was a piece of work that made me feel like I could see the future in more ways than one.

- Up until now, the band’s primary identity had been what Hiro squeezes out and screams about. In that case, it’s not so much about how you want people to hear you play, but more so about how you can bring your cries and messages forward. 

Hiro: That’s a pretty hard task for the other members to do. But all of that is over. If that had been the case until now, I would have never said, “The members can do whatever they want” and this album would have never been released. Back then, I’d go, “Let’s do it like this here,” “The last chorus definitely goes after the bridge,” but it hasn’t been like that these days. Now we’d go ahead and say, “This is good,” “Interesting, interesting”. It’s like the kids who always had to ask permission from their mom have disappeared. 

- “Young man” is a great metaphor in that sense as well (laughs).

Hiro: Mhm. It’s just like disciplining a child – just because you did it before doesn’t mean you’ll grow up that way, and saying too much isn’t a good thing either. We are all different people after all, and whether we’re lovers or family, we can’t understand each other 100% of the time, so we have to accept and trust each other more. I don’t really like it when people grow apart because of work. I want to make a team like the one in “Wild Speed”. We all get along really well, getting together in a garden to have a barbecue and stuff like that. It’s partly because we have such a good sense of team spirit that we’re able to do things indie. I wouldn’t be able to continue on unless I had a team with the same ambitions and the same passion to move forward. Seeing a lot of adults being considerate of me makes me feel better about myself (laughs). The members are the ones who understand “Let’s take it easy” the most. This may seem natural, but it’s super hard to do. And now that I’m able to do so, it feels great.

- You’ve truly made an incredible rock album. And it’s good that your methods can effectively be used to make more in the future.

Hiro: In fact, it’s been going so smoothly that it has become the focal point of our work process, so I don’t think it was difficult for anyone. Scheduling was pretty tough though. In August, I was singing at shows and recordings for 15 days in a row or something like that. Some of the songs didn’t have melodies or lyrics yet, and I was thinking, “Seriously, what are we gonna do!” but we had the same situation when we were making “ANTITHESE”, so I was like, “If you have the time to say ‘Oh no’ or ‘We’ll never finish’, then use that time to continue working instead” (laughs). Because of this, I’ve learned to believe in myself. The members were on a super tight schedule as well, but they would respond to requests from me like, “I want to change the first verse” or “Sorry, take it down a half-step”, so I was confident that everything was going to be okay. We may be in a hurry, but I no longer get worried or anxious.

- There were a lot of songs that used the words “white” and “black” this time. However, rather than black and white symbolizing “win or lose”, it was more of “There’s a part of me that’s pure white, and a part of me that’s pitch black”, providing a perspective that allows us to see both sides of you in the same light.

Hiro: That’s true. “ANTITHESE” was always about me, but that was completely overturned this time, now having different main characters for each song. Then, I wrote the lyrics, sang the songs, so there are many different stories of me in this album. Sometimes they’re of a similar hue, but still slightly different in shade. Of course, I didn’t write about colors that I didn’t have at all, so I was able to recreate the colors in my mind, or rather, sublimate them in the form of music. 

- It’s like, “Sometimes it’s white, sometimes it’s black. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn’t. But that’s just the way things are, right?”

Hiro: Yep. With this one album, we’re no longer limited to, “This is what I say in this song, so I have to keep saying this”. It’s like, “That isn’t always the case, you know. I’m only human” (laughs). Like, “Sometimes I feel that way, sometimes I don’t”. It doesn’t matter if they’re on the same album. I was able to reach that point in my life, so now I have a wide range to work with.

- That’s why Hiro’s melody-making skills are being opened up to the fullest.

Hiro: This time, I mostly worked upwards from the chorus. After breaking apart the original chorus, I’d go, “This one’s catchier”. I didn’t even stick to the general concept of the melody – I’d try to make one, but if I wasn’t 100% sold on it, I’d try to make 10 more, and then I’d go with what everyone said was good. The premise behind a melody is that it’s something you can hum along to when you suddenly hear it, so I didn’t want to change my approach of starting songs from there. Nowadays, people don’t say, “This song is good”. They say, “These lyrics are good”. Because of this, I want to create a catchy melody that’s easy to remember, one with a rebellious spirit, and at the moment, I think it’d be good if it were in Japanese. That being said, I want everyone to be able to say, “This melody is good”. 

- I think it’s a really well-made album. I thought that the Hiro who’s been shouting out what’s inside his heart has made it this far (laughs).

Hiro: On the contrary, it’s exactly how I imagined it to be from the moment we started the band up to this point in time. Our pace and work are progressing as well with a margin of error of about 0.5 mm. Thing is, we’re gonna start with a completely clean slate from here on out, so we’re in a bit of a hurry (laughs). We’re kind of in a standstill right now, but if you’re asking me how I feel about the members or the music, I’d say, “Well, it’ll be okay”. From this point forward, I think we’re just gonna have to put ourselves out there. To be honest, we aren’t really sure ourselves either (laughs), but from now on, it’s not gonna be a story that was created – it’s gonna be a story that we create while walking forward.