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thetoadghoul · 3 years ago

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Volunteering: (Ohtani x Reader) <333 (Part - 2)

part 1!

plot: Wednesday’s game arrives which Ohtani invited you to, some bonding time before the first pitch <3 slowwwburn, long cause idk details are fun lol

Wednesday quickly arrived, made much faster by the crazy amount of work you were required to do for your ‘actual’ job. The last three days had been spent with you running around the LA area, as well as cyberspace, to serve your role as interpreter. It was hell, for more reasons than one. The biggest of all being that even though you were not in Japan at the moment, you were still required to wear a proper suit. That meant a tight navy skirt, stockings, and some blasted heels. Sexist men, long meetings, and endless paperwork aside, you enjoyed your job for the most part - but this aspect really wore on you. However, the pain in your feet wouldn't damper your excitement for tonight’s game. Today you were not actually volunteering at the Angels stadium.

The day before yesterday, when you were actually volunteering, a bashful Ohtani had tapped you on the back while you were picking up baseballs from the batting cages. When you turned around the giant man was holding out a lanyard with an attached document, marked ‘VIP Guest of Player’. It took all you had not to let your hands shake with nerves as you reached out and grabbed it gingerly.

“Uh, see you on Wednesday.” The man looked to the side awkwardly, running a hand through his hair.

“...Yeah.” You responded with a small smile, feeling stupid, but it was all you could think of.

“Well, uh, I better go...” He motioned behind his back with a lazy thumb, staring to jog backward.

You nodded quickly, rushing to go back to picking up balls before you said something super lame, or weird.

It wasn’t till you were on the way home did you take a look at the back of the stadium pass. It read ‘Guest of Shohei Ohtani’. So he had put in the request for you, that was just like him, so kind. It would be an understatement to say you weren’t excited for tomorrow.

-----

Currently, your heart was still racing, but for another reason other than a certain super cute and insanely talented baseball player. It was because it was almost three-thirty in the afternoon and you were running around your company-provided apartment, trying to get ready as fast as you could. Ippei let you know you should get there around four-thirty, by then the team would have been done warming up and starting to enjoy a pregame meal while the away team got the field to themselves. From that point onwards, pretty much everyone was free to relax in the clubhouse till just before the first pitch.

With little time to consider, not even enough time to take a shower after having just got off work, you went with an oversized red T-shirt, baggy jeans, and some cool Jordan’s. This was your go-to, and it was comfortable. You don’t have many clothes anyway, living out of a suitcase.

Right as you were about to run out of the door you remembered to grab your standard Angels cap, it had been provided to you as part of your volunteer uniform a while back, slipping it on over your tight work bun. You would let your hair down later.

All right, everything was in order, Uber scheduled, lanyard secured.

It took about half an hour to arrive at the stadium, and once it came into view, you instructed the driver to let you out in front of the ballpark entrance. It had been a long time since you got to go through the gates as a member of the audience, it actually gave you a wave of nostalgia seeing everyone in their gear, so hyped up for the game, tailing gating outside for what was probably hours.

Once you were through, you started walking through the concession stands and various other stalls, dodging around the fans that were already inside watching the warm-ups, as well as hanging out drinking and eating. There were pictures of Ohtani everywhere, people taking turns snapping pictures of each other in front of the various cutouts of him. The air was buzzing with energy, and it seemed like all for that guy. Honestly, you had worked for a couple different teams over the years, but you had never seen hype like this. It was surreal, seeing a legend in the making.

You smiled, gripping the lanyard around your neck, making your way through the stadium. Shohei was super nice to do this for you, really, you should show him your support. Maybe a quick peek in the team store would do? Plus, you deserved to spend some money on yourself. After all, this was the first time you had really been ‘out’ in the almost three months you had been in California. Your free time was either working, volunteering, video games, or sleep.

You took a couple moments in the Angel's merch shop, quietly perusing the aisles, keeping an eye out for any Ohtani-themed items. Unfortunately, there weren’t really that many, probably sold out by the fans. What was there, was way too small for you.

“Y/n, you here to watch the game?” A young voice sounded.

When you turned to see who addressed you, a familiar girl was standing there grinning.

“Hey Jordan! I didn’t know you were working tonight.” You grinned back.

Jordan worked at the store as a stock manager, she was close in age to you so the two of you often hung out. You had invited her over a couple times, both bonding over your love for crappy reality TV, beer, and of course, baseball.

“Yeah it was last minute, a girl was feeling sick and there wasn’t anyone else cept’ me.” She sighed.

“Bummer, text me if you need help?” You offered, to which she waved you off.

“Nah, you enjoy being here and NOT working.” She chuckled, walking over to organize a messy shelf.

“So, you looking for something in particular?” The girl glanced over her shoulder.

“Uh yeah, you recommend any cool Ohtani stuff? Or is there any at all... seems wiped clean in here.” You said while looking around.

“Ohtani? You here to cheer him on too then. Wanna catch his eye.” She teased.

“Don’t say it like I’m just here for my like, prince charming.” You snapped back playfully, but, maybe a little too fast.

“Aren’t you?” She pressed with an eyebrow.

“Okay, I’m leaving.” You pouted, fake walking away.

“I’m just kidding, actually, stay here for a second I might have something you’ll like.” Jordan yelled as she jogged off to the back room behind the counters.

You did as you were told and when she came back there was a large white Angels jersey in her hands.

“Ta-da!” She grinned, twisting it around to show the player’s name on the back.

“Oh, it’s in Kanji? That’s cool, I didn’t know these existed?” You questioned, running your finger over the ‘tani’ character of Ohtani.

“It’s the last one on the floor, had to grab it off the mannequin. Hope it’s not too big? It’s XL?” She questioned, passing it to you to hold.

“Nah it’s perfect, can’t you tell.” You joked holding the jersey next to you, while you showed off your oversized clothes.

“Figured it'd be fine, wanna get rung up? I’ll give you that ‘good good’ employee discount. But, don’t tell anyone.” She smiled, heading to the register, to which you nodded and jogged after her.

After you finished your purchase and waved bye to Jordan, it was time to head to the clubhouse. It was around five, so you were later than you planned but Shohei usually practiced batting in the cages a little while longer while everyone headed in. Slipping the plastic shopping bag into your purse, and ripping the tags off your new jersey, you slipped it on over your T-shirt, smoothing out the material as best you could. It felt great to finally have some real merch from the team, and part of you sort of wondered what Ohtani would think when he saw you. Hopefully, it wasn’t too much to just show up in his gear after he pretty much randomly invited you, let alone in the stadium-specific one, as you just learned from your colleague.

After you got to an employee-only doorway, you pushed on it hoping it was actually open. Ippei had also let you know via text that it would be unlocked for you. Another kindness of Shohei, not just inviting you, but making sure you had access to all the catering and AC inside the resisted area of the building. You slipped in and locked the door behind you, not wanting to encourage some intoxicated fans to follow. The hallway was empty and cool as you started making your way to the clubhouse.

You were admittedly a bit nervous by the time you got to the doors, feeling a bit awkward about strutting in as anyone other than a volunteer for the first time. Carefully you pushed open the door, making sure not to hit anybody. The room was full of chatter, some players eating, some playing cards, others watching TV on the room's monitors. You looked around for Ohtani, but he wasn’t there yet apparently. No matter, you strolled in and went for the snack area. Truthfully you hadn’t eaten since that morning, and that was just a toasted bagel. Turning your back to the rest of the room, you began filling up your plate with cocktail shrimp and grapes.

“Nice jersey.” Ippei said, coming up next to you, grabbing small sandwiches for his plate.

“Is that sarcastic?” You questioned with a smile, finishing your plate.

“Nah, I’m sure he likes it.” Ippei jerked his head to the left.

He? You leaned back to see around the man, meeting Shohei’s surprised face almost immediately. Had he been standing there the whole time? He had obviously been staring at your back, at his name, bashfully looking up to your face when you moved, blinking a couple times to clear his eyes.

“I uh, got it ten minutes ago.” You grinned awkwardly, pointing your thumb proudly at the jersey, hoping he wouldn’t think you were a weirdo.

The large player didn’t say anything, blinking more slowly this time before opting to just nod gently, with a quick “thanks for your support”, hurriedly leaning forward to start filling his plate with all kinds of foods.

—-

Once everyone had their food the three of you found a place to sit while you ate, it was at the back of the room away from the noise, and where the two usually sat before a game anyways. A small conversation started while the three of you ate calmly.

“Why... do you only have grapes, and shrimp?” Ohtani questioned suddenly, looking at your plate baffled. You looked down at it as well, pausing for a moment trying to find out what was so weird about that.

“Uh, well, it’s because... these things are... super expensive in Tokyo. It’s like a rich person food to me.” You smiled, eating a couple shrimps happily.

“Wow. That’s so sad.” Ippei chuckled before taking a bite of his sandwich.

Shohei on the other hand burst out laughing at your response, making you laugh a bit too at your pitiful confession.

“Seriously, I feel like a mega-rich, and very posh, Ginza lady right now - eating nothing but shrimp and fruit. So fancy right? ” You exclaimed, popping a grape in your mouth.

The Japanese player laughed even harder, tears building up as he wiped his eyes.

“Those people wouldn’t touch that stuff with a three-meter stick.” Ippei stated, letting out a small laugh.

“Just let me have my moment.” You pouted through a smile, shoving more shrimp in your mouth.

The other man calmed down finally and was now sitting there smiling while he ate.

“So, fancy y/n, are you okay to sit in the dugout tonight. Not too unrefined for you?” Ippei questioned with a smirk.

“That’s, allowed?” You asked, surprised.

“Yeah, if you want to. Can’t stay there the whole time, but.” The man responded nonchalantly, shrugging his shoulders.

“It’s the best place to hear, ‘the surprise’.” Shohei added, food in the process of being shoved in his mouth.

“Well, doesn’t seem like there’s any other option.” You smiled at the player, who nodded in acknowledgment.

“He’s batting first tonight, you won’t have to wait long.” Ippei spoke, starting on the next sandwich.

“Hope me being in there won’t be bad luck.” You joked.

“You believe in that?” Ippei smirked.

“My family ingrained it into me, wasn’t allowed to watch a single super bowl game in the living room till I literally moved out.” You frowned, stabbing a grape.

“Harsh.” The man smirked with a small laugh under his breath.

“You will be good luck, for sure.” Shohei leaned forward in a hunch to take another bite of food, smiling sincerely at you as he looked up from his food.

“Then, I will see to it that will become a very good omen. Please believe in me.” You responded in the highest form of keigo you knew, bowing rigidly from your seat for comedic effect. Since you never studied that level of grammar, it was really freaking bad, causing the two men to laugh again.

“You’re funny.” Ippei chuckled.

“Yeah, and your Japanese is so good though?” Shohei exclaimed, eyebrows raised, eyes wide.

“Nah it’s pretty bad, I fell off the study wagon a long time ago.” You laughed awkwardly, waving a hand in front of your face.

“You’d be there forever if you stayed on.” Ippei chuckled again, while Shohei nodded in sullen agreement.

“Writing would be nice though, having to look up every other kanji at the doctor's office, or like city hall makes me literally sweat, like, a lot. Buckets. But when I look around, I'm the only one.” You giggled.

“You’re so honest.” Shohei chuckled, wiping his mouth with a napkin, still leaning forward in his chair, you grinned back at him. Your eyes locked for a while, you had never noticed, but his eyelashes were sort of long.

At that moment Ippei had to take a call, letting the two of you know he’d be back in a bit, walking off. The two of you looked away and finished eating in silence.

When you looked up from your empty plate, the large player was now staring at you with a soft expression. The warmth in his eyes made you blush, he didn’t even break his gaze once he was caught like he usually did. You responded back to him simply with a shy smile, before being the one to avert your own eyes to the floor again.

Thankfully at that moment, a group of Angels came over, slapping the Japanese man on the back, starting up a conversion. They were going over strategies for the game and overall just getting hyped up. You didn’t have much to input, so you just kind of sat there enjoying the excited chatter. Shohei smiled merrily the whole time, inserting little jokes, completely affected by their excitement. The way he carried himself really reminded you that the essence of baseball was really just about having fun with your teammates and giving it your all. He looked simply happy to be there, and it made you smile too, just watching him goof off. It was charming to see his duality of being a just big kid with endless laugher, versus the super-serious, and seasoned player he was on the mound.

You were really trying hard not to but, you were rapidly developing feelings for Shohei. The last three months of volunteering here, you of course thought he was really cute and kind, classic boyfriend material. A simple crush, like many of the girls working around him, surely had as well. However the possibility of you two actually dating had always been a foreign concept, one which stopped you from even considering it, at all, you just didn’t know if you even could. With you both traveling for work, how would there be time? Plus, what about the media? His family? Yours? All those things seemed unscalable walls, that is, until this moment, when you could feel his gentle eyes on you once again.

Maybe, there was something? Or maybe, he was just a super nice guy, and you were treated no different than anyone else.

When you snapped out of your thoughts, Shohei was starting to stand up, grabbing everyone’s empties plates. He reached his hand towards you, asking for the one in your hand with a tiny nod of his head, to which you thanked him, stood up, and handed it over.

Well.

Either way, you were so screwed.

-------

Hope you enjoyed! <3

#大谷翔平 #ohtani shohei #shohei ohtani #ohtani shohei imagines #shohei ohtani imagines #ohtani imagines #ohtani x reader #ohtani #ohtani angels

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trs-cpr · 3 years ago

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I'd love to get a match up pretty please? 🫀 My appearance is available on my blog (via photo), I hope that's okay? I'm about 5'5", cis female. I'm very introverted around new people and am more of an observer until I feel I can trust/get along well with someone. I keep my friend group very small and am more of the "mom friend" to those I am closest to. I pride myself on intelligence and integrity. Likes including reading, listening to music, practicing tarot, beauty/skin self-care and learning about renaissance art/architecture. I am bisexual. I am a Cancer sun, Taurus moon, Aquarius rising. Venus is also in Cancer, Mars is in Virgo. My personality type is INFJ, and if it matters I am a Slytherin ☺ I prefer somewhat of a dominate energy in my partner, I am very stubborn and sometimes feel I do well if I have someone to take the reigns on occasion. Intelligence and loyalty is very important to me. Fandoms include Harry Potter, Marvel and American Horror Story. 🖤 Thank you tons!

I match you with...

Jennifer Check

You seem to have a vibe about your appearance that Jennifer just loves. Dark brown stare and hair just appeal to her so well, it just gives the amount of mistery and sensuality she's looking for in a partner.

Can you do your makeup regularly? Or let her do your makeup everyday or even the beauty self care ! She'll be delighted if you let her or if you decide to do it yourself she'll always be near to point little recommendations so you can turn heads everywhere you go. She loves to flex partners, it just her daily dose of confidence and ecstasy.

Jennifer just appears in your life randomly and she'll do anything to spend more time with you gradually, little encounters in the halls that escalate to sitting with you in classes or in near clubs to have drinks, to trying to sneak in your house with the excuse of seeing you. Your observer self surely will pick up these tryings of her to get close, and you better respond well if you don't want a sassy demon creeping around, but oh well just offer her some caring love and trust that you offer to your friends. Just... treat her specially well, more than a friend.

Your intelligence and integrity just adds fuel to her interest seeing this as an attractive trait, go ahead and read as many books as you want in her presence. She isn't very interested in academics fields, but you could genuinely get her into renaissance art and architecture to please her own aesthetic desire. We already commented on her wanting a mysterious looking partner, and what more enchanting thing than reading tarot cards? Jennifer will ask you for advice and readings almost daily, she wants to know everything.

I fell strong venusian and fire energy from Jennifer, your placements can go very well with her because there's a lot of earth and water and that goes well with Venus energy in general. This demon girl knows how to dominate someone very well in a relationship because she's not afraid of challenges, but she'll sometimes get rushes of sadness for various reasons and you being here for the relationship is a major point. Even if those downs could get frequent we all know how she's very intelligent and loyal herself, playing the "dumb and helpless girl" for a while is just so fascinating and fun for her.

Affirmation words and physical affection is the greatest form of love that Jennifer could give you and vice versa, your most emotional side and introvert side is definitely safe with her because she gives tons of alone time to be yourself and engage in hobbies,fandoms... and you can always count on her to go outside if that what floats your boat at that moment.

#slashers #slashers x reader #slasher headcanons #slasher x reader #jennifer check #jennifer check match up #jennifer check x reader #slasher imagines #slashers match up #slasher match up #horror character #jennifer's body #trs cpr

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batarangsoundsdumb · 3 years ago

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hae interrogationes multae respondeant quia demens .

if you read this entire ask post you deserve a gold star and financial recompensation

Um, Obviously because when you’re adopted by a white guy you automatically become white duhhh

this is about this post lmao and yeah youre absolutely right, you have to hand your poc card in when you get adopted by a white guy.

Do you think Cass would listen to Yanni, the YouTube channel epic symphonic rock, or some other stuff? There's some cool mashups but idk if that's up your alley, I kinda feel like I'm pushing it with my weird taste of music by recommending an orchestra cover of metal, but i just love that sort of thing and mashups :P @harvestyourcherries

i haven’t heard of that? but in my personal (correct) opinion steph listens to classical music, and then both modern and older, and then also stuff like black sabbath, iron maiden, but also hardrock and hardcore. i like the idea of cass just liking the most extreme screaming songs full of noise and then also listen to pachelbel’s 370th sonata yanno? THANK YOU for the rec tho

speaking of ur cass playlist hc...reminds of the time (yesterday) i found 2 playlists randomly on spotify from the same user. one was abt 3 hours of instrumental/classical "dark" & "nostalgic" music. the other almost 11 hours of nothing but hardcore bass/synth/electronic music. just an incredible tightrope act to put on in public. the synth one was also called like "psalms for synth sluts" which is Also incredible

tbh i LOVE synth SO MUCH like for no reason at all but then also cannot handle a poppy electronic beat lmao. but this seems like the kinda thing i’d do but just in one (1) playlist bc i just sort songs by vibe instead of genre? that’s how i end up with britney spears and billy ray cyrus in the same playlist.

Oh, I want Kate Kane playlist next! It would be amazing if you could do one when you have time and will 🙏

how rude would it be of me to just say no? like sorry kate but idk you and also you seem way too keen on the us military for an institution that homophobically targeted you? (and also commits war crimes) but let’s unpack the fact that the institution that caused the death of your mom and sister and also got you blacklisted for being gay is still one you align with???

'yes i am' 'no you're not' 'yes i am' 'no you're not' 'yes i am' 'no you're not' 'yes i am' 'no you're not' 'yes i am' 'no you're not' 'yes i am' 'no you're not' --- when i tell you i fucking screamed LOL!!!!!!! i can imagine the cameraman not knowing if he should cut to commercial or keep it on these two weirdos fighting on stage (bruce definitely ruffled dick's hair/noogied him right??

about this post but yeah lmao. this cameraman just turns to like the audience to get a reaction and it’s just multiple moments of CLEAR shock.

you are the only funny person on this hellsite

how egotistical is it for me to say that i get this ask multiple times a month? bc it literally happens so often it’s hilarious to me.

Wish there was more john/Bruce content 😔😔😔 was so hungry I actually looked at canon media 😔😔😔 (Justice League Dark babeeeyyyyyy)

check out batman: damned for some mediocre content but at least it’s john/bruce (also very interesting story and stuff, just got very >:( over this weird part where harley quinn tried to r*pe bruce or something? it’s not for everyone)

dick grayson but he's nicki minaj

his anaconda don’t want none,,, unless......

Dick Grayson was never a cop, he played Marshall on Paw Patrol

you are SO right. also paw patrol is a fucking good show idc. that shit could’ve been the new steven universe on this hellsite.

https://www.instagram.com/p/CS1lI0bLI7-/?utm_medium=copy_link

...

why do people keep reposting my CONTENT. if you are not funny yourself don’t just grab shit off of tumblr and post it on insta,,, get a life. sidenote: should i start an insta and get all these ppl to take my content down that would be funny as hell.

Might I suggest for a Gotham City Meme: something about the true crime fandom thirsting for the rogues gallery

ok can i just say something slightly controversial?? no? i don’t find true crime ppl who are into criminals funny, that shits disturbing irl im not gonna bring that into my very chill universe.

i may have never seen a 'jason cleaning guns in sink' fic but i do know he WOULD

THANK YOU

bestie im sorry to say this to you but while you can, and people do wash their guns in the sink, that is a lot of lead in a very vital part of the kitchen.

people tend to do it in the bathtub.

WHY???? like damn why do you even have guns

i dont think i read many gun sink fics exactly but i have read lots of fics where jason cleanes his guns in the living room. usualy dissembles them and cleans them with a rag i think

lmao fair enough, like i think that’s a large part of what i remember as well.

if you say you've seen/read gun sink fics I believe you. I think those of us who didn't see them are lucky or maybe didn't search for fics by tags or something idk

i mean ive never sought them out but i HAVE seen them,, like definitely i know almost for certain.

saw your tags and I'm interested in Steph/Kara now. They would be the most chaotic couple <3

literally thoooo, i have a wip where they get together in a zombie apocalypse and like UGGGHhhh i am so in love with them.

I am the Breece anon. Thanks for the recommendation; am reading now. I’ve always been a hardcore Superman fan because I love my pure himbo farm boy. My logic is, if one Bruce is a Broose, then multiple Broose are a herd of Breece. And this is a hill upon which I will perish.

fair enough,,,, like moose, meese, goose, geese, bruce, breece. i get your logic and i stand by it as well. (glad you enjoyed the comic recs!!!!)

It's a beautiful day in Gotham, and you are a group of horrible Breece

OH my god dude lmao

there only being 42 fics on ao3 for tim and bernard is honestly so sad i need more

it’s like twice that now!!! we did it lads. (tho very sad that my fic isnt number one but like number 4 :(((( )

i'm too late you already did the poll lol but may i suggest bethy (bernard + timothy)

shit dude that wouldve been so fucking funnyyyyy. think ppl have just stuck to timber tho, tim/bernard kinda died down recently and i think it’s too bad, they’re a great couple and i love them.

Wait, hear me out

Bernothy @redlightofdawn

great recommendation (lmao this ask is from like a month ago) but very sorry to announce that NARDTH is the superior shipname

Wait, we know that bernard likes milfs (Tim's step-mom) but what about dilfs? gilfs?

Wait no, I regret sending that ask

these were two seperate asks and they’re HILARIOUS. in my personal opinion tho,,, milfs, gilfs, dilfs are just about vibes and bernard is just attracted to sexy ppl who may sometimes be milfs, dilfs, or EVEN gilfs.

crime in bludhaven would drop to half if nightwing had a boob window. in this essay i will-

WHERE’S THE ESSAY ANON, WHERE’S THE FUCKING ESSAY

Wait if Barbra and Tim r at opposite ends at all times what happened to Barbra once everyone’s Tim’s ever love before started dying lol

she won a lottery ticket and spent 2 weeks on a resort in the bahamas before returning home and finding out that the joker was arrested for tax evasion and then spent a month staying at her big tiddie goth girlfriend’s house before conner came back to life and she broke her pinkie playing table hockey.

Why is the opposite end thing so funny and compelling to me. Tim comes back from his depression quest for Bruce and Babs is now a literal god

lmao when tim loses his spleen barbara reaches nirvana.

Are you still taking music recs because I have three songs that remind me of Jason that I think you'd like

send to me or lose a toe

🌸 ⭐ put this star into the inbox of your favorite blogs. it’s time to spread positivity! ⭐🌸😋

thanks, i wont tho on account of i wont.

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMduBy3Sr/

⬆️

This is the whole of Blüdhaven and everyone anywhere.

Nightwings ass alone saves more people in a calendar year and does more for so society than most heroes do their whole career.Also u are one of the funniest tumblr pages out there. The vibes are unmatched and the memes and tags ✨send me✨.Thank u and goodnight @julia-flow

fanksss also lmao.

That's going to be a little bit difficult to explain, but

There's some music that you listen to and you think, "oh my gosh, I can perfectly imagine Dick Grayson singing this song, with the same voice as the singer because that voice matches with Dick Grayson"?

oh yeah totally lmao. i have a lot of songs that i think are just entirely dick grayson yanno? kind of all of my playlists have that vibe, but i really find bleachers to fit with dick? idk.

"Lois lane/Superman" fics this, "Lois lane/Clark Kent" fics that, (/lh) let's get into the real good stuff. Some people ship Lois, Clark, and Superman as a throuple. Most popular fic tag for sure

yes totally, i think they’d be absolutely killer on ao3 and clark gets so fucking embarassed about it.

I miss your post, hope you’re doing okay!!

haha this was like 2 months ago, but i was doing fine then too! just didn’t have a lot of inspiration in terms of content.

Doot doot!

noot noot

I’m confused. What did DC do now? Like with nightwing? And another sibling? Please spoil everything for me

lmao they gave him a secret sister plotline where they had his dad cheat on his mom with tony zucco’s wife, bc dick’s life wasn’t traumatic enough yet.

sorry but it's so funny that batman is called "the dark knight" when the gotham city baseball team is called the gotham knights. it'd be like if a vigilante was running around new york called like "the scary yankee"

lmaooo no. but like yankee comes from dutch names or something so wouldnt it be HILARIOUS if gotham knights came from like german names and bruce would be running around called the dark KLAUS UND NIEK @graysonnightwing

(not a batcest shipper) it’s so funny to me that the responses are “i’m a batcest shipper because i can differentiate fiction from reality and and it doesn’t bother me personally, but i understand why you oils think it’s weird” to “i wish all batcest shippers a very fucking die”

yeah lmaoo. i personally basically flipped my entire stance around to ‘i dont care please leave me and everybody else alone’ bc i think there’s really no point in starting a moral dillema over some fucking fandom bullshit. Please just,,, go home,,, log off, find a nice forest to have a little walk in and remember that somewhere in history, somebody probably died in the place you’re standing. and you will also die someday, and somebody will have to look at your internet usage and see you fighting multiple people anonymously while being named ‘nightwingsbuttchin200186′ like... calm down, we’re all gonna die this is not the thing to worry about.

so since like "wards" don't really exist in modern society almost all the batkids are foster kids, right? i used to work in the system and imagine: monthly visits from social workers and guardian ad litems, bruce having to get permission to take the boys anywhere out of state, calling their social worker at like 8 a.m. like "yeah dick broke his arm again... a gymnastics accident this time...." their poor social worker. bruce send her a huge bouquet and box of chocolates every month to stay on her good side

i imagine the social worker just getting into the case like ‘yeah let’s get this kid a good guardian’ and then ending up having to work with 22 y/o bruce wayne and his 50 y/o dad. and so this social worker is like ‘okay we can work with this, this is the best home i can find’ and then like it ends up landing on its feet and then the kid gets adopted and then they get a call a year later like ‘uhm so hi, this kid tried to steal my tyres can i adopt him?’ and like 3 years later. ‘okay so basically, my neighbours’ kid imprinted on me and now they’re dead, can i keep him?’ two years later it’s like ‘okay so this assassin child-’

ever since I saw that one post of yours, the meme that's something like "I know that abba's backup dancer got me" with a picture of discowing, I've been haunted. Every once in a while I'll be minding my own business then the image of abba's backup dancer dick grayson aka nightwing aka discowing will flash in my mind and I'll be frozen in place. Today at work I was in the middle of folding clothes and suddenly once again discowing entered my mind and I suddenly lost the ability to see anything except He. Thank you.

wow. the IMPACT.

Braver than any US marine man props to you🤝

this shit is about the time i wrote an article on batcest, like man,,, the fact that i didn’t get cancelled is MIRACULOUS. also like,,, uh if anybody on here did gossip on me,, send screenshots i’d love to see it.

Hello, just wanted to say your article was great. Thank you for taking the time to provide an unbaised answer. It should provide people with nuances they couldn't possibly conjure on their own.

May I ask where your username originates from?

yes you may (also thanks!!!) i thought it up when i was trying to find an original username bc i didnt want to be called like ‘timdrakes something something’ or ‘jason todd something smoething’ or ‘dick grayson something something’ yanno? so i thought batarangs, they sound so dumb and that’s my username story... now it’s my whole entire brand lmao.

yno that bit in kick ass where red mist asks kick ass if he wants a hit of his blunt, was that the inspo for stoner tim

no? it’s bc i think stoners are hilarious and drugs are great. (dont do drugs tho)

How would u feel if someone actually wore one of those bruce or ollie pride shirts u edited

fenomenal next question.

Dick as lil huddy and Jason as James gave me radiation poisoning and now I’m screaming crying throwing up so thx for that

(Rico suave as Tim is perfect tho literally no changes needed)

i was so funny for that shit wasn’t i??? lmao i loved those weird ass fancasts

You're doing the Lord's work by providing us with all these Gotham/Metropolis citizens memes, thank you for being so relentlessly funny @nellethiel-aranel

you’re welcome!! i really enjoy making memes, but getting validation for my content and my memes is REALLY nice.

Bruce is such a slut in your memes and honestly i love that for him @rhodey-rhudert-rhodes-main

he’s that much of a slut irl too dw.

Bruce and Alfred have an emergency pride flag for the batkids. Oliver Queen printed an emergency "I love my gay son" t-shirt and as soon as Roy told him he was dating Jason, Oliver started wearing that shirt everyday and Roy always cringes when he sees it. Oliver also has an emergency "I love my lesbian daughter" shirt just in case for Cissie.

lmao YES i had a post like this bc like all of their kids/family members are so gayy

stop bringing back batfam fancasts it is not real it is not real it is not- 😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀

oh yes it is my darling.

did discowing burn down the notredam because he hates the bees? @allulily

no he did it bc fuck the french.

im gonna beg for 1 thing and 1 thing only. please please please put physical by olivia newton john on dick's playlist

okay then beg. bc i wont. physical reminds me too much of glee and that hurts me mentally.

your playlist is sorely missing some Madonna. Specifically Into the Groove, Like a Prayer, and Vogue

i’m scared of madonna that’s why she’s not on there. she haunts me in my dreams.

suggestion: son of batman by aaron dews for dick’s playlist🤩

sorry, i listened to it and the vibe didn’t agree with me.

Hear me out, metropolis citizens sending rare pair fics of Clark Kent x Superman fics to Lois to edit

yes, absolutely hilarious. even more funny if they send like physical copies, no address attached and lois sends it back marked with red ink, SOMEHOW

Imagine all the smut Clark must of read editing the fics

clark reads smut confirmeeed

NOT LOIS READING SUPERBAT PORN AND EDITING IT A 2AM

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

hc that alfred is a meta that boosts healing factor of the people around him. if the bats are injured as much as they seem to be they would be doing bat stuff MAYBE half the year. no one including alfred knows about this. whenever the kids move out they inexplicably dont recover from injuries as fast and feel better whenever they visit the manor they just chalk it up to homesickness. bruce just thinks he heals really fast. alfred thinks everyone doesnt take care of themselves properly @finchcollector

that’s actually such a great idea, but i think that alfred would find out and learn how to concentrate it better so he can help more people, bc he’s great and i love him.

One of your dickfast posts reminded me of that tweet that goes: 'so you've had sex how many times? Yeah technically that's not a bromance' lol that's dickwally or dickroy

literally tho. like that’s all of dick’s friendships. once it gets past a certain time dick is like ‘wow i wonder what it would be like to make out with wally, wally come make out with me’ and wally’s like ‘we’ve done this like 40 times, dick, you know what it’s like’ and dick is like ‘sorry are you complaining?’ and they just make out.

superfam and batfam associations??

-batman and superman

-dick/barabara and supergirl?

-conner and tim

-jon and damian

pls enlighten me I am confused

nope,,, uhm batman and superman, but dick and superman as well, and then conner and tim, jon and damian and steph + babs with supergirl

I came across a fic in which Wonder Woman calls Batman "Stella" (like Stellaluna, the children's book) and I can imagine the batkids hop on the trend and maybe copies of the book appear at random places (aka, everywhere Bruce frequents)

sorry can’t reciprocate that was the name of my high school chemistry teacher and it gives me nightmares to think about.

good human what are your pronouns?

wouldn’t you like to know?

I need me some gothamites preferring harley over joker memes

everyone prefers harley over joker youre just very fucked up if you dont

don't understand why people try to add like veteran policy to the batfamily

dick pulling out his veteran batfam member card so he can eat first: step aside, peasants

Do you know the song Simmer by Haley Williams? It (the first verse anyways) reminds me of Jason? It's about rage.

damn yeah i LOVE HAYLEY!!!! youre right thoo

Okay so I like listen to your stoner Tim Drake playlist 24/7 but would he listen to skegss? Also I keep adding songs mentally it’s killing me 😩✋🏼 Anyways,, I literally love and worship your playlist 😃🤞🏼 And uh yeah have a good day ✨

stoner tim drake playlist is lyfeeee. also dont know who skeggs is? i’m stupid? have a good day!!

All the Robins (and Batgirl) decide to trade costumes for one night just to fuck with Batman and all the villains in Gotham. @subspacecadet

batman knows it’s them youknow but like,,, what does he call them? he’s like ‘red hood?’ and 3 people answer and he’s not about to compromise some identities so he’s just Pissed.

I aspire to treat cops the way my dad treats them. This man is a 45 year old Asian immigrant to the US and the treats them like his pets. He talks about them like unruly children. Sometimes he pays off local cops to shut up and stop acting racist. And usually it works. I don’t know why but I can see Oliver Queen doing this

vibes... and also yes? oliver queen handing a local cop a donut to shut the fuck up lmao. but yanno i commit enough crimes to not really want to ever see a cop ever, so they kinda scare the everloving fuck out of me.

seeing as tim hasn't aged in years, that means he was 17 at peak emo tumblr era. im back on my emo tim bullshit and im not letting it go

emo tim had a wattpad account send tweet

People seem to think that batman is so dark and serious when the rainbow batsuit is right there. He wore it with no shame.

dude the 60s were a DIFFERENT TIME

dick grew up in a circus, jason grew up on the streets, and tim was probably raised by the internet

all of them cuss every other word and you cannot tell me otherwise

bitch i KNOW but dc has to change to an 18+ rating if they want to sell comix with swear words in them so we gotta deal with imagining the swear words in ourselves

thoughts on teen titans and young justice

haven’t seen teen titans on account of havent seen it and young justice was LITERALLY my favourite thing ever, tho i do gotta admit it’s not at all similar to the young justice comics unfortunately. i really wouldve liked to see timmy bart kon cassie and cissie animated on tv!!

ew ew ew how to delete batcest shippers I genuinely digust them

log off tumblr?

Okay as poc who was called racist for calling an Italian pastabrain: in the batfam are Italians bit Damian just yells various insults about the others being Italian. Just him yelling “What are you doing you moronic spaghettihead!” At steph etc

huh? i meant real italians. homeboy is telling steph he hopes she chokes on her fucking garlic.

I think it's dumb as hell to pull the batman is the best fighter in the batfam argument because like it's just irresponsible of Bruce to let his kids fight when they couldn't possibly be on his league or something

fair enough, but also like who cares they could all kill you just sit down and take a beating.

lady shiva, thalia al ghul and Selina Kyle are all milfs @notanothertimburtonenthusiastugh

unfortunately, i have to admit,,, you’re right

why tf didn't someone give joker a death sentence already? like he's a mass murderer...give him the electric chair treatment wtf

idk i think plenty of people would have tried to murder him already (boring answer is: he is a popular character so they can’t kill him off bc he brings in lots of money)

There’s no such thing as “ copaganda”.

all american media is propaganda. happy to clear this up for you

is it bad that I find lady shiva owa owa

no. find her as owa owa as you want.

aight I'm guessing the order of your favs in batfam:

1. tim

2. Steph

3. dick

4. Duke

5. the rest

you’re wrong but it’s cute that you tried, i generally don’t have favourites, but i have a special place in my heart for steph, tim, dick and cass. bc they were like my introduction to batfam. but damian, jason, duke, bruce, babs and alfred are NOT FORGOTTEN OR UNLOVED

oh my god i was literally just readily willing to believe that italians werent white ty for clarifying it was a joke im so dumb sdkvjskdfs

i mean some italians aren’t white? italian is a nationality as well as an ethnicity, so like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

since I saw so many people doing headcanons about the nationalities of batboys, I see Dick as an Italian.

dont know if youre serious or not, but sure.

super random but

jason 🤝 damian

old english

lmao fair enough.

tim absolutely has 1 gay uncle and his parents shit talk said uncle all the time so after bruce adopts him he specifically reaches out to this uncle to be like "heyyyy just so you know you majorly influenced my life yes i know i havent seen you since i was 5 and at the family reunion yes i know you dont remember my name idc thank you im gay too" and then they never talk again.

yuppp lmao that’s definitely something that could happen. i can also consider tim having no family members, like none. until he does like a dna test and he realises he has like an aunt living barely 2 miles away from him who’s like some illegitimate child of his grandpa.

I dare you one of them sends clark superman/clark fic and clark corrects the shit out of it and then goes like ps his dick is not that big, just telling as someone who has seen it. internet either explodes or goes who tf did he not fuck at this point.

i think everybody would call clark a buzzkill and try to cancel him over that.

so you're telling me Tim Drake wouldn't buy Starbucks?

no. dunkin donuts all the way

One of my favorite things is imagining people finding out jason came back from the dead and being like "oh no does he have magic powers now?!?!?" and he just pulls out a gun and tries to shoot joker

now he doesn’t even have the gun :) lmao

my favorite batfamily fanfictions are the ones where they use their shitty codenames, unironically, in any context

bruce gets codename ‘ugh’ everytime. he hates it.

crazy that tim being a 17 y/o ceo and a stoner who does brand deals are all actual canon things written in detective comics comics and not made up for shits and giggles by you, tumblr user batarangsoundsdumb @rowdeyclown

SO CRAZY HUH?

batman au where everything is the same but his utility belt is bright pink

absolutely, but i raise you, his boots light up like sketchers when he kicks people.

unbeknownst to the superhero fandom writers in the dcuniverse, clark and BRUCE are one of the most prolific fanfic writers in the superhero rpf tag on ao3. clark writes the best lois x superman angst, full of unhappy endings and scenes that are a so detailed you'd think you were in the middle of a superhero beatdown. bruce made an ao3 account to fuel "the do the butts match" thing, and makes batman/bruce fics from time to time. he wrote a superbat fic as a joke but ended up making it REAL porny. @concrastinator

dude they’re WAY too busy for that. Oliver Queen and Hal Jordan on the other hand are the most prolific fanfic writers in the superhero rpf tag writing what is Mostly porn.

When the dining table topic gets to politics, Steph says "eat the rich" as the solution

bruce just silently takes away her fork and knife while she’s talking.

#literally if you got through this i just respect you #this is mainly just for the people who sent me an ask in the past few mask #i hope your ask is in here :)#sorry for everybody else #ask #bataranswers #this took me 4 hours to do so i hope youre happy #also sidenote #does anybody know the latin translation for 'to become'#bc i just used future of 'esse' but it could be a different verb #who cares tho latin is a dead language #big congratulations to everyone who translates my sentence #here's a bonus sentence: tuam matrem futueram

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let-me-write-shit · 5 years ago

Text

Like We Used To: 6

A/N: And I - oop. Things are about to get heateddddd. Can you guess what’s gonna happen in the next few chapters? What do you WANT to happen?

Also, what do we think about smut? Yay or nay? Will it ruin the story or make it better? Let me know before I continue.

ENJOY!

[ONE] [TWO] [THREE] [FOUR] [FIVE] ------------------------------------------------------------

CHAPTER SIX

The night air was crisp and the stars had started to shine as the sun had set only an hour ago. Elizabeth managed to swipe a blanket that had been randomly draped on a chair in the eat-in kitchen on the way out, wrapping it around herself. She peered up at Harry as he led her down the lawn and towards the docks feeling surprisingly confident. After their unexpected 2 AM talk, their friendship seemed to be so effortless now. As much as Elizabeth tried to avoid it at first, their relationship seemed to have grown quickly back to what it felt like when they were teenagers.

‘This is what it must have felt like for the others,’ Heather thought. ‘If I hadn’t built up that wall, it would have been easier for us to fall back into our old ways just like it had for the rest of our friends.’ Elizabeth felt the soft squish of the grass under her bare feet turn rough when they stepped onto the dock.

“Matt didn’t seem too keen on me tonight, did he?” Harry spoke as they both sat at the end of the dock. He crossed his legs while Elizabeth rolled up the hem of her lounge pants and dipped her toes in the water.

Elizabeth sighed, looking at Harry who was gazing out at the dark water. She slipped half of her blanket around him to share and said, “Matt’s just protective. He did warn you that he had taken your place once you left.” Harry shot her a ‘watch it’ look and she laughed, “Not that anyone could ever take your place.”

There was brief silence before Harry laughed, “We really can’t even go to the bathroom alone? What if I have to take a shit?”

Elizabeth shrugged, “I’ll plug my nose and close my eyes.”

Harry laughed and cleared his throat, “So should we reveal our big secret to each other now?”

“We’ve got time. I have to think of one first.” She said before quickly realizing what he said. She nudged his arm, “You’ve got more secrets you’ve hidden from me?”

His dimples deepened and his teeth seemed to almost glow when he smiled, “I’m a man of mystery.”

“Yeah, be careful before you mysteriously get your ass whooped,” Elizabeth quipped.

An hour seemed to fly by and so far there weren’t any fights. In fact, Elizabeth didn’t think she had laughed that much in years. They filled each other in on what’s happened since they lost touch, talked about movies they enjoyed, and shared some really embarrassing stories with each other, yet they still felt at ease. This dare wasn’t so bad after all.

By now their buzz from the alcohol had disappeared and was replaced with hunger as Elizabeth’s stomach started to grumble. “You know what sounds so good right now? Ice cream.”

“Let’s go get some,” Harry suggested.

Elizabeth groaned, “But we can’t have any other human interaction, remember?”

“Who said anything about human interaction?” Harry grinned mischievously, “I passed a 24 hour store down the street on the way here. It has a self checkout. No human interaction necessary. All we have to do is sneak inside, grab our shoes and my car keys and slip out. No one even has to know we left.”

“I like your style, Styles,” Elizabeth smiled, standing up, “Fine. But try not to let them hear you.”

The two of them jogged up the hill towards the sliding glass door, playfully pushing and shushing each other along the way. Slowly, they slid the door open and stepped in, hearing muffled voices in the direction of the parlor.

“Okay, here’s the plan,” Elizabeth whispered, “My shoes and purse are already by the front door. There’s a greater chance of someone catching us if we both go up to your room to get your stuff. So, if you can channel your inner ninja and sneak up to your room as quickly as you can to grab your stuff, you can meet me out front. Okay? Just don’t let anyone catch you without me or we’re screwed.”

Harry nodded, chanting, “channel my inner ninja,” a few times and they both set off, silently running past the door frame of the parlor room and towards the bottom of the stairs that met the front door. Elizabeth started pulling on her shoes and Harry whispered, “Wish me luck,” before creeping up the steps.

Elizabeth bounced on her toes and crossed her arms nervously waiting for Harry to come out. It was getting colder now and she regretted not bringing that blanket along. She half contemplated sneaking around to the back of the house to grab it before she heard the door crack open.

“Jesus, I thought you got caught!” Elizabeth breathed when Harry quietly closed the door behind him. “We are not separating again until midnight. That gave me way too much anxiety.”

“You just want me all to yourself, Lizzy. Admit it,” Harry smirked, shuffling his keys and a pile of fabric around in his arms that he had stretched out and dangled in front of Elizabeth as an offering. “Here, thought you might want this.” It was his hoodie.

“For me? Oh, thanks!”

Elizabeth slipped it over her head, grateful for the warmth it provided and taking in the subtly spicy scent that lingered from his undoubtedly expensive cologne, following Harry to his classic, yellow, two-seater car. He opened the door for her and smiled as she slid in. It was very clean and smelled like it had been recently detailed.

When Harry started up the car, the engine rumbled a little louder than she had expected which made her slightly nervous, but he quickly managed to shift the gears and drive. With a flick of a knob on the dash, the car filled with the sound of Pat Benatar singing ‘Shadow of the Night’.

“No way!” Elizabeth shouted and burst into song.

Harry smiled from ear to ear as he watched his old friend dancing wildly in her seat, belting very off-key to the music and he decided to join in, continuing like that for the next three songs that played until they reached the store. There weren’t many people there, but Harry pulled his hood over his head, just in case, as they bee-lined to the ice cream.

“Let’s hope you don’t get recognized,” Elizabeth said.

“Story of my life,” Harry muttered, scanning the freezer shelves, “Why are there so many?!”

“There’s not that many,” Elizabeth laughed, grabbing a personal size jar of classic chocolate and groaned, “Hurry up, Harry! I’m hungry!”

“I take my flavor choice very seriously, thank you very much!” He stuck his tongue out at her and grabbed a small tub of Magnum white chocolate vanilla.

They grabbed a box of plastic spoons on the way to the self check-out where only one other person was finishing their transaction. Harry stole Elizabeth’s ice cream out of her hands saying, “It’s on me,” and scanned it.

“What a gentleman,” Elizabeth smiled, pulling her freezing cold hands into the sleeves of the hoodie Harry lent her and looked around the store. “Uh, Harry? You need to hurry,” she urged, tapping his back. A girl, close in age, was staring over at them. Harry had looked up after inserting his credit card into the machine to see what Elizabeth was talking about, and when he did, the girl instantly recognized him and started walking towards them.

“Harry!” Elizabeth whined under her breath, “No human interaction, remember?”

“Shit!” he muttered, pressing buttons frantically. As soon as the transaction was complete he spouted, “Run!”, grabbing the bag in one hand and her wrist in the other, leaving the receipt behind.

The girl picked up her pace, but Harry and Elizabeth managed to make it to the car and hightail it out of there before she could catch up to them. They panted, trying to catch their breath before howling in laughter from the adrenaline.

Elizabeth looked over at Harry, capturing the details of his face. His stubble was starting to grow out which somehow made the depth of his dimples even more noticeable. His lips were wet from his tongue and she could see smile lines which were prominent at the edge of his eyes and the corners of his lips making her wonder about all the things he’s been through in the past nine years to cause them. She saw the veins in his hands that gripped the steering wheel and gear shift, and the black paint that was starting to chip on his nails.

His laughter started to settle, but when he looked over at her with his radiant smile Elizabeth twisted in her seat, realizing that it was happening. She was starting to fall for him again.

‘It’s fine,’ she thought to herself, ‘I liked him all throughout school without anything happening. I can do that again. I’ve got more restraint now.’

It took them a little longer to get back because Harry had gotten lost and they weren’t allowed to use their phones for directions, but they eventually got back on track and pulled into the driveway. Elizabeth recommended that they quarantine themselves in his room since Kate and Lewis eavesdropped on their last conversation they had in her room. Luckily the front door was still unlocked and they darted up the two flights of stairs to his room without being seen.

Harry tossed their bag of food onto his bed and they kicked off their shoes. Elizabeth looked around the room. His duffel bag was open on a chair in the corner of the room with some shirts hanging out. The bed was clearly slept in and she noticed his rings on top of the nightstand beside his bed next to a glass of water that was half full.

“If you’re done snooping,” Harry smirked, patting the space beside him on the bed.

Elizabeth plopped on the bed next to him and sarcastically said, “Well I’m a bit disappointed that you didn’t light some candles and cover the room in rose petals for me, but you did buy me ice cream, so I guess it’ll do for now.”

“I’m sorry,” Harry laughed, “I’ll remember that for the next time I try to seduce you.”

Elizabeth raised an eyebrow, smirked, and took a spoonful of her ice cream, “Mr. Styles, what makes you think you’ll get a second chance to seduce me?”

Harry smiled nervously at his pants, picking at a loose thread before looking up at her and saying, “I never did tell you that you looked beautiful at the wedding yesterday.”

Elizabeth’s chest fell to her stomach and she smiled sweetly at him, “Thank you, Harry.” She almost certainly started to blush.

The two talked a little bit longer, sharing spoonfuls of each other’s ice cream, enjoying more laughs together when Harry’s face suddenly turned serious.

“Uh...Lizzy?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m really sorry, but I have to pee so bad!”

Elizabeth sighed with a slight giggle, “Oh, thank GOD! I’ve had to pee for the past hour!”

They both went into Harry’s bathroom and Elizabeth went first. Harry turned around as she pulled her pants down, noticing the pile of dirty clothes on the floor next to his shower.

“I bet this is the point where most of the people who get this dare start freaking out; because they don’t wanna have to pee around someone,” Elizabeth said, wiping and pulling her pants up.

“I don’t know,” Harry’s voice was muffled because he was facing the opposite direction, “I could listen to you pee all day.”

She flushed the toilet and turned on the faucet, kicking the back of Harry’s foot to signal that it was okay for him to turn around and playfully said, “You know, that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.”

“Alright, you!” Harry warned, “turn around. If you want to see my penis you’ve gotta take me on a date first.”

Elizabeth laughed and turned around joking, “Is that not what we’re doing? My ice cream adventure wasn’t date-worthy enough for you?”

“No, I want candles and rose petals,” Harry mocked her.

“Well if that’s how you feel, just be grateful it wasn’t Daisy who was picked. She wouldn’t have even given you the chance to finish your ice cream,” Elizabeth joked. She heard him finish, flush, and start the faucet so she turned around and saw his serious expression.

“I’m glad it was you,” he said to her, lathering the soap in his hands.

Elizabeth blushed and they both walked into his room silently, taking a seat back on his bed. She could tell by his demeanor that something was bothering him.

“What’s wrong?” She asked.

He hesitated, looking at the wall before turning to her, “Lizzy it’s been over 2 hours now. Are we really going to carry on pretending we didn’t just say those things down there?”

“What things?”

“....Everything!” Harry vexed, “How we both, you know, fantasized about each other. About how I told you that I liked you.”

“What about it?” Elizabeth asked, unsure of where this conversation could possibly go. What did he want? To talk out their fantasies about each other? That was nine years ago. “I don’t think much can come out of this conversation. We used to have crushes on each other at some point. Like you said, we were horny teenagers. What good does this information do now?”

“It wasn’t just at one point, Lizzy!” Harry protested, “It was throughout all of high school. Through both girlfriends I had, and all three of your boyfriends I liked you. You’re saying that we both liked each other and we could have been together that whole time? Does that not piss you off?”

Harry stared so deeply into her eyes that she was certain he could read her mind. Honestly, she had been thinking the same thing all night. And it hurt. But, again, that was in the past.

“Yeah, I know. It sucks!” Elizabeth frowned, “but that was then. It was so long ago. Who knows what would have happened if we dated? You might not be where you are right now.”

“Yeah, maybe,” Harry retorted, “but maybe I still would have, and we could have been where Kate and Lewis are right now!”

“Harry!” Elizabeth chuckled, with amused , “We would not have ended up married!”

Harry looked at her, irritation glowing in his eyes. ‘This is it,’ she thought. ‘The card is doing it’s thing. Maybe it really is cursed.’

KEEP READING

#Harry Styles #harry styles smut #harry styles fluff #harry styles fan fic #harry styles fanfic #harry styles fan fiction #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles imagine #harry styles one shot #harry styles oneshot #one direction fan fic #one direction fanfiction

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medea10 · 4 years ago

Text

My Review of Sarazanmai

How did I get into this anime? I heard “things” about this anime. 2019 was a weird time to be alive apparently. You know, before 2020 happened! As much shit as I give 2020, at least they didn’t give us kappas eating people’s asses.

Yes, I just said “kappas eating people’s asses”.

Be afraid. Be very afraid!

Kazuki Yasaka is a young boy who must carry around a box wherever he goes and follow specific directions day-by-day. Toi Kuji is a delinquent that breaks into cars and commits other crimes throughout the city. And Enta Jinnai is a childhood friend of Kazuki…He’s there too! These three boys have been chosen by the kappa prince, Keppi to help restore the Kappa Kingdom to its former glory. Kazuki, Toi, and Enta can now transform into kappas by being eaten ass first by Keppi and then shit out. Yes, I said eaten ass first and shit out by a kappa! These boys then must eat the inner-most desires of these kappa-zombies that are causing Keppi trouble. And these inner-most desires are located…in the ass. But there are those from the Otter Empire that cause this trouble for the kappas by turning folks into kappa zombies and causing havoc in the real world.

I would not expect any less of a mind-rape anime from the great Kunihiko Ikuhara.

BETWEEN THE SUB AND THE DUB: Even playing a kappa, Junichi Suwabe still finds a way to give me an erection.

Okay, let’s try that again and not make it sound disgusting, Medea.

Right! Let’s talk licensing. FUNimation is the licensors of this fine product. Seriously? Eating ass is fine, but you frown upon the likes of Interspecies Reviewers? Yes, there is a dub to this and believe it or not, I pretended it didn’t exist. Not because it was bad or anything! It’s just that this anime had the likes of Mamoru Miyano, Kouki Uchiyama, Rie Kugimiya, and Mr. Sex-in-a-Voice Junichi Suwabe. Let me state that my infatuation with Suwabe is like John Oliver’s infatuation with Adam Driver.

That…totally doesn’t help my case! Here’s what you might recognize these folks from.

JAPANESE CAST: *Kazuki is played by Ayumu Murase (known for Minami on Yuri on Ice, Luck on Black Clover, Asuto on Inazuma Eleven: Aries, Madoka on Shounen Maid, and Shinichi on SAO)

*Toi is played by Kouki Uchiyama (known for Yurio on Yuri on Ice, Soul on Soul Eater, Rui on Demon Slayer, Ikuya on Free!, Benedict on Violet Evergarden, Midnight on Fairy Tail, Yuu on Charlotte, and Ichijou on Nisekoi)

*Enta is played by Shun Horie (known for Kazuya on Rent-A-Girlfriend)

ENGLISH CAST: *Kazuki is played by Alejandro Saab (known for Leon on Pokemon Journeys, L’Arc on Shield Hero, Kuga on Food Wars, Yamazaki on Cardcaptor Sakura: Clear Card, and Takezou on Kono Oto Tomare)

*Toi is played by Ricco Fajardo (known for Koutaro on Zombieland Saga, Itona on Assassination Classroom, Karim on Fire Force, Natsuya on Free!, and Kyousuke on Danganronpa 3)

*Enta is played by Justin Briner (known for Deku on My Hero Academia, Yukito on Cardcaptor Sakura: Clear Card, Shou on Fire Force, Luck on Black Clover, and Ryouta on Danganronpa 3)

SHIPPING: Well…we got our BL kiss by the third episode. That’s quite early for an Ikuhara anime. Ooh boy, Enta loves him some Kazuki. He REALLY loves Kazuki! There’s a lot to be said of a boy that would sniff and fondle items owned by his lover and kiss his unconscious lover. I can understand why Enta would care for Kazuki. I mean after hearing that he’s truly his first friend after a childhood of traveling around and not making many friends, you want to feel for this kid. Key word here is “want”. But this boy goes too far sometimes and his jealousy does get the best of him to a point where I’m just saying, cut ties with the megane brat. But Enta ends up screwing things up again by taking a bullet for Kazuki and throwing all that anger out the window.

And then we have Reo and Mabu! God damn Reo! We’ve got shark teeth, an arrogant attitude, homosexuality, and the voice of Mamoru Miyano. This is just a Rin Matsuoka of a different color! If Reo and Mabu’s otter dance isn’t a dead giveaway, they totally love each other. To a point where they would sacrifice each other for the one they love.

POLE-DANCE ALERT: I don’t know why I always find random pole-dancing moments in animes so alluring. I guess I can blame the likes of Grell from Black Butler. But this moment was so random that it came right the fuck out of nowhere. Then again, this entire anime is an enigmatic brain-fart that it was only a matter of time before a kappa prince starts randomly dancing on a pole.

There we go, Medea’s love for random crap will never die!

ENDING: Throughout the series, Kazuki, Toi, and Enta were gathering these dishes in order to get a wish granted by Keppi. And each time they’ve gone up against a big bad otter, Reo and Mabu are usually the ones to bring out the kappa zombies. But everyone has a plan for using the dishes of hope for their own wishes. Enta wants to use it to stay with Kazuki so the two can remain the golden duo. Reo and Mabu want the dishes to be with each other and save one another after an incident nearly killed them. And Kazuki originally wanted to use the dishes for his baby brother’s own sake, but changes to wanting to help Toi (who ends up leaving with his older, criminal of a brother). And shit goes crazier than what I’ve just mentioned. Enta fucks up by stealing the collected dishes and really fucking up his relationship with Kazuki! Toi ends up leaving town with his criminal brother.

Reo and Mabu, the otter cops shoot Kazuki, but Enta takes the bullet and is hours away from dying. But then we learn that Reo and Mabu were actually kappas who worked under Keppi. It’s just that the otters have been manipulating these two. Mabu is just a hollow body created by the otters because of some accident that happened prior to the events in the anime. The otter gives Mabu a mechanical heart to keep him alive, but in order to stay alive, he cannot say he loves Reo. Unfortunately for these two, Mabu ends up saying he loves Reo and dies right in front of him and vanishing from his memories. Reo is then shot by Toi who comes in at the last minute.

Toi’s back. We all knew it wasn’t going to last. His older brother got shot dead the episode before. So Toi is going to use the dishes to resurrect his brother from the dead. This leaves Kazuki in shambles as he was going to use it on Enta before his body expires in like 10 seconds. In the last minute, Kazuki used the dishes on Enta and he’s going to live. End of story right? No, we still have a demented otter on the loose. And the otters have a dark Keppi that he’s been storing for just this sort of moment. And now it grabs Toi and Toi accepts. He wants to erase his existence from Enta and Kazuki’s lives. Problem is if he does that, Toi erases giving Kazuki the ankle bracelet that’s been a staple in Kazuki and Enta’s relationship when it comes to soccer. But the boys were able to connect, destroy the otters, bring the memories of Mabu and Reo back, turn Keppi into a kappa prince, and save the town from OTTER-destruction.

Yeah, if you watch this series, you’ll hear a lot of puns involving otters. I mean when you’re not smothered in sexualized otters and kappas.

The ending credits show Toi getting sent to juvie for three years. And it’s quite sad to see his dejected face while the ending song blasts. When the lyrics literally say “stand by me” it gets quite sad. Three years pass and Toi’s out of juvie. He goes to the bridge and jumps off. Keep in mind this is an Ikuhara anime, Toi’s not gonna die. Enta and Kazuki jump in and join Toi and welcome him back to society.

Good lord Ikuhara-san! I didn’t think you could out-gay an anime after the likes of Yuri Kuma Arashi. But good fuck, you found a way! This anime was…INSANITY. Pure insanity! Then again, this is the same director that did Revolutionary Girl Utena, Yuri Kuma Arashi, and Mawaru Penguindrum. Yes, connection and desires are a big take in not only Sarazanmai, but a lot of the other animes Ikuhara does. It’s just that Sarazanmai is the strangest acid-trip of them all. And that’s saying a lot because Yuri Kuma Arashi has sexy bears that say “Shaba-da-doo”. ALSO VOICED BY JUNICHI SUWABE! But people getting turned into kappas by being eaten ass first by another kappa and stealing spirits inner most desires, conveniently stored in their asses is some wonky-ass crack-fest. Recommendation wise, I would say watch some of the other animes Ikuhara has directed to get your feet wet in what you might expect in this kind of anime. After that, pop in a few Bakemonogatari episodes just for good measure. And after you do all that, take some CBD gummies and let-a-rip with Sarazanmai.

If you want to watch Sarazanmai, Crunchyroll and FUNimation have it available for streaming.

Okay, what’s next for my FUNimation list?

Okay, boobs! What are we talking here? Are these boobs flat as an ironing board or crimes against nature like in Eiken?

Oh, this can’t end well.

#sarazanmai #anime review #enta jinnai #keppi #junichi suwabe #toi kuji #kazuki yasaka #reo niiboshi #mabu akutsu

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heli0s-writes · 5 years ago

Text

IV. The First Taste*

Summary: NSFW Chapter. Pairings: Steve Rogers x Reader A/N: Modern AU, Teacher reader, Dad/Baker Steve… lots of pining, slow burn, romance. Enjoy!

Slow Like Honey Masterpost

Since you kissed Steve Rogers in your classroom on that Thursday afternoon, you’ve kissed him again and again after each meeting. It’s been precisely two more lunch dates, one more dinner date, and one long walk in the park on his day off before he was suddenly called in for an emergency pastry situation. That’s five kisses. Five dates. Five moments you lie in bed and think about while trying desperately not to scream.

You scold yourself every time because a part of you is embarrassed that you’re so—thirsty! But good God, the man is a tall glass of water you want to drown in. It’s been two stupid years since you’ve kissed anyone, and when you’re in bed at night, you hope that it’s not your lack of practice that’s been keeping him from moving forward.

You can’t be that bad, right? … Right?

But it’s always you who initiates, and Steve always keeps it short and sweet. Once, you felt the slightest flick of his tongue against your bottom lip, but then as quickly as he’d done it, he pulled away.

Grumbling, you press your pillow over your face and punch it a couple of times before settling back down into bed. You peer at the back of your hand in the darkness of your room and contemplate on trying it just like you used to when you were a kid. God, this feels stupid.

Tomorrow, you’ll just ask. Because you’re both adults and because he was your… boyfriend. You smother yourself with the pillow again, because that was an even more mortifying thought than making out with your own hand.

In the morning you go for a jog and make yourself a quick protein and fruit shake breakfast afterward. Then you head to the pool for about an hour before coming back home. Everything is quiet, and the world is peaceful, now that you don’t have the lives of twenty-five children hovering over your every waking moment. You shower and lie down on the couch before turning on a baking show. Looking around, you survey your apartment. It is so damn barren and cream-colored. You’re not strong nor brave enough to go get a bunch of furniture by yourself and start arranging.

Sighing, you settle on an easier task: maybe today you’ll go buy some houseplants.

Steve texts you a picture of a cheesecake around noon as you’re spraying water into the soil of two new succulents and a hanging fern. You show him your fern, placing your hand next to it for size reference. The messages between you are short and brief, since you see each other pretty often.

Summer break unravels you a little bit, but you’ll be damned if you let your new (very adult) boyfriend know. You play video games and browse the internet with a bottle of wine on the weekends, and your summer is just a giant weekend. It’s almost troubling, really, because every summer you have to either find a new hobby to keep yourself entertained.

Last year you took up rock-climbing and baked a lot… but with Steve around, that just seemed like a good way to get laughed at. And of course, the summer before that one was spent moving out of your ex’s apartment and trying to keep your head above water. You shudder at the thought. If it wasn’t for the very fortuitous call back from your current workplace, you would have probably had to move back home or continued spiraling into credit-card debt.

You text Steve, asking him to suggest a new hobby to you.

Right away, he responds and recommends that you join his watercolor session at the bakery:

I’m teaching a two-hour workshop Sunday after we close. The sign up sheet is already full but… it helps knowing the teacher personally doesn’t it? I do a ceramics one in the winter, too!

You blink.

Steve… I can only draw if I invoke the spirit of Other Steve from Blue’s Clues.

Oh perfect, now he’s calling.

“Yes?” You answer. His laughter is ringing on the other line.

“Hey! Blue’s Clues is an excellent show! And, I gotta admit, that guy can really draw.”

You huff and sputter at him, “Stop messin’ with me. Last year I baked a lot but now that you’re here… I really need a new hobby- a doable hobby!”

He chuckles again before his voice grows quieter. Bossa nova plays in the background, and the coffee grinder is buzzing intensely. “Oh honey,” He whispers, and you’re nearly gasping at the way his voice sounds—low, deliberate—like he knows exactly what he’s doing.

“Come to the workshop, won’t ya? It’s just a beginner’s thing. I think you’ll really like it. For me?”

The quick-draw refusal you were so sure you could unholster on time is nowhere to be found, not with him asking you so sweetly like that. You grouse jokingly and accept, warning him that if he laughs at your unskilled hand, you’ll never take his advice again.

“Me? Laugh at you? Never, sweetheart. I can’t believe you would think that of me.”

“Oh hush, Steven.”

A puff of air escapes him and everything grows quiet. Steve mutters something you can’t quite make out, and then, even louder than before, the coffee grinder screeches. “Everything okay?” You ask, worried.

“Yeah. Um, yeah. Everything’s good.”

You’re suddenly reminded of the way he pulls away after a good night kiss and reach to unholster that gun.

“Hey—uh wha—why do you--- um.” What the hell is the right way to ask this question? Why have our tongues not fought for dominance? Why haven’t both my hands gotten lost in the front of your button-up shirt? Why have you not pressed your hard, broad chest against me?

Maybe you’ve been reading too much Cosmo or Buzzfeed Relationships in your quest to find the right answers.

“Huh?” Steve asks. “What’s that?”

You holster the gun.

“Nothing! Ha! I’ll see you Sunday!”

“Okay, hon… See you then. Don’t be nervous! It’ll be great!”

You squeeze your eyes shut as you place your phone on the coffee table. Crisis averted. Then, you search for basic video tutorials on watercolors as well as tips for beginning artists on your phone before casting it to the T.V. It’s entirely baffling and when you pick up a pencil and try to draw your new succulent on a nearby notepad, the voice coming through the speaker sternly states that you should “make marks deliberately-- not fiddling about with sketchy, hairy lines like a fuzzy caterpillar!”

What you’ve been working on looks exactly like a fuzzy caterpillar, and your cheeks heat up with embarrassment.

So you try again, erasing furiously before attempting those “deliberate” lines. After nearly fifteen minutes, you sit back and peer at your creations.

“Jesus.”

Your smooth, plump, glossy plant looks like one of those inflatable tubes outside of an auto dealership in the middle of deflating.

You feel deflated, too.

Over your dinner table is a corkboard of photos and postcards, and you walk over to snag Steve’s thank you card from its place in the corner. You study his technique and peer at the delicate forest green line of each stem- just a single, continuous stroke. The petals seem to be merely blobs of color if you’re looking closely, and where the flowers touch, sometimes the pigments bleed over each other.

No, it’s not a perfect thing. But it is gorgeous, still.

So, you try… again. This time, you tear off the deflated succulent drawing and place it on your coffee table in the left corner. Just for good luck, you chant “Steve, Steve, Steve!” as if he’s Beetlejuice, and get to work. Half your brain is thinking of the striped green shirt and oversized crayon, and the other half is thinking of a striped blue shirt and oversized pecs. Either way, both of them could art.

You’ve drawn all year for your students- especially your ESL kids who struggled with codeswitching. Sometimes, when they were unable to find the right word, or you were, you’d draw a picture instead. According to twenty-five first graders, you were an amazing artist, so… what the hell!

Ten minutes later, you tear off the top of the notepad and set it down next to its brother.

The two are stark differences, and your second one is little bit better. You’re almost proud of it—smooth flowing lines, rounded edges, and even a flat plane of the table to ground the pot.

Sitting back, you click around some more, making sure to choose videos that are most helpful to your current ability. Those speed-up painting videos were hella tempting, but you do not want to get lost in the rabbit hole.

Sunday is two days away. At the very least, you were going to be able to draw a damn good succulent.

---

You come in early to help him close before the workshop begins. Cap&Co. closes on Sundays right at six, and the workshop would start half an hour later.

The baristas say hello to you and smile, and you do the same back before you grab a rag and spray a counter down. The leftover pastries and sandwiches are placed on a tray and put in the middle of the room, where the tables and chairs have been pushed together by Steve.

“Snacks!” He smiles, “For the students.”

“Does that make me your student too?” You tease, finding the situation a bit ironic.

He winks at you before hanging up his apron. Between the four of you and the work that’s left, it’s quickly finished in the next ten minutes and the employees leave, wishing you a good night as they go.

Steve lets you choose the music for the night as he brightens the lights, and you randomly scroll through the shop’s selection before picking an old album you used to like as a younger girl—Fiona Apple’s 1996 Tidal. Right away, the singer’s brassy voice catches his attention.

“Who is this?” He asks excitedly, “I think I heard her on the radio the other day!”

You tell him, and he nods along to the music as he sets out sheets of watercolor paper clipped neatly on boards. Then he lays out five travel-sized round palettes already filled with an array of colors. By the time all the paintbrushes are next to each clipboard, people are starting to arrive and Steve is back and forth saying hello and giving hugs. You finish the end of the preparation and fill up heavy mason jars with water and set them at each spot. Then, you take your seat with a cake pop and eagerly and watch him lead the demonstration.

“Thanks for coming, everyone!” He smiles widely at the end of the table. “Good to see some of you again!”

This must be what your students feel like, you think—you hope, because you are absolutely enthralled with everything that pours from his mouth. Even the way he stumbles over his words fascinates you, and the fact that he is so animated and engaged makes you love it even more.

Steve tells the group that he’ll demonstrate for about twenty-five minutes before everyone can start either trying out various techniques, or if they’ve done it before, can begin on painting whatever they please and he’ll come around to offer help. He suggests the plants for a nice still life, or other knick-knacks around the shop. Some returning students have even brought their own objects and you want to pinch yourself because you could have brought your succulent!

Then, he begins, showing you the right way to load the paintbrush with paint and water, and how water tension is so important to the medium. He shows you the difference between a wet brush and a dry brush. He shows you how to layer the colors. Your brain can hardly keep up with your eyes as they enthusiastically soak up the colors over his paper and the way his wrist moves easily back and forth from the mason jar where he cleans the bristles, to the palette saturated with pigment, to the paper where strokes are being placed.

“Here is a quick and easy way to make a flower.”

Steve loads a fat brush with water and pulls two shades of orange onto the white of the palette. In one swift motion, he streaks a daub of it onto the paper, letting the water gather more heavily on one side.

“We’ll let that dry for just a second— but we can do this for now.” He presses the tip of the brush into a tiny bit of red and makes another mark similar to the first one. The edges of the paint that touches leaks into each other, creating a tiny blossom of red into the first petal.

“This is what will happen when your paint is still wet—but that’s okay!” He makes two more petals—slightly more yellow than the last and touches his finger to the one with the accidental red bloom.

“It’s pretty dry now.” He blows softly on it for good measure and mixes a rosy coral shade into his brush.

The last petal is swept over the first, and the overlapping area where they touch turns into a vibrant shade of ripe orange. Then, quickly, he sticks the wood handle of the brush sideways between his teeth and picks up a smaller brush, wetting it, loading it with a deep purple that’s almost black, and makes a spray of dots in the middle.

“There ya go!” He takes the brush out of his mouth.

A part of you thinks that you are fucked because you may have just fallen in some deep shit here, as you stare at him, grinning widely—so proud of himself and somehow proud of you, too, for listening.

He’s made it seem impossibly easy. An absurdly beautiful blossom from his imagination stares at you from the watercolor pad in his hand as you shakily pick up the brush next to your hand.

“Well… shit, Steve.” You whisper before breaking out into a silly laugh and putting your forehead into your palm at the thought of the herculean task at hand. The woman to your right laughs along with you as she makes scribbly marks and drips globules of blue water onto her paper. Steve beams at you lovingly as you try to imitate the way he made the first petal, steering the water where you want it to go.

It doesn’t.

But you’re determined, damn it. Because one, you really want to impress him, and two, you really need a summer hobby.

The next hour flies by as you paint diligently, occasionally humming along to Fiona Apple’s resonant vocals in the background, chatting with the other painters. They’re all regulars at Cap&Co., and they adore the Rogers family.

Steve circles the room and answers questions, giving pointers, and sometimes putting his hand over yours to lead your paintbrush. He even kisses you on the top of your head when you finish your first flower—a lavender five-petaled ...cephalopod.

The affectionate gesture doesn’t go unnoticed by the others as they smile and quietly ask him questions when they think you’re not listening. Your ears go hot the rest of the night—just as hot as the top of your head because Steve!

Before you know it, it’s time to pack up. The album has already repeated, and it’s back to an early track. No one seems to mind, however, as they take their papers and wave goodbye. You linger in the area, pouring out dirty water and putting the jars back under the sink. Steve puts away the paints, fixes the rest of the tables, and you return to the café area to join him. He’s patting his thighs with his wet hands when you come in, nodding along to the music.

You gaze at the damp spots on his legs, the fabric of his trousers slightly clinging onto his muscles. Quickly, before he sees you, you look away.

“This exact song was on in the car.” He mutters amusedly, “I really like this… she’s got a great voice.”

Steve walks closer to you, stopping a few steps away and leans against the edge of a wooden booth. He crosses his arms and press his lips together, eyelashes fluttering as he smiles.

“What now?” He asks. His voice echoes the same low and deliberate tone you’ve heard before, and you think that the question isn’t really a question at all. But you’re not really sure what to make of it—tonight may have been the most forward he’s ever been.

The lights are dimmed. The piano melody crescendos before the song ends. There’s a pause of silence before the next song begins, and you feel your heart leap as the first few words start.

I lie in an early bed, thinking late thoughts.

“Um…” Your voice cracks.

I do not struggle in your web because it was my aim to get caught. But daddy long-legs, I feel that I’m finally growing weary of waiting to be consumed by you.

Steve cocks his head to the side, also listening—to the music, perhaps to your now uncomfortably loud heartbeat. You run your hand through your hair. The music chimes into a more upbeat tone as the chorus starts.

Give me the first taste. Let it begin. Heaven cannot wait forever.

“Why don’t you ever kiss me first?”

His eyebrows raise briefly before he blinks a couple of times. You tilt your chin to your chest and lace your fingers together, foot tapping anxiously as you stand in wait. “I mean, I think I’m just a little confused. We’ve seen each other for like, two weeks now. I feel like it’s always me who initiates—but tonight you did a little bit more of that. And… I guess we’ve only kissed—Am I bad kisser? Steve? Am I?”

You’re full of rambling, nervous energy but you try your best to play it off. It was such an awkward thing to say out loud, and there was no way you could come out and spit: Why have we not had sex yet?

Steve surges forward and takes your hand in his, “No!” His head his shaking wildly, “You’re a great kisser! The best!”

His blabbering catches you off-guard and the snort of laughter that comes from you is anything but attractive. “Jesus, Steven, that’s too much.”

Steve slaps his palm to his forehead. “Ah… I’m sorry. I think I’m just nervous.”

“About what?” You ask, leaning forward and looking up at him, “Steve, I just… snorted. You can’t be nervous about this. I should be the one who’s nervous! Look at you!”

He takes a step back and puts one hand on his hip, the other reaching forward to signal to you. “Look at me? Look at you!” He gawks.

The two of you stand there, pointing at each other, making scoffing noises of disbelief for a good two minutes before you put up your hand. “Okay. Pause, mister. You look like someone Photoshopped a rugged Ken Doll and then 3-D printed it. Westworld-style. You bake, you paint, you’re a ceramic---ist? Ceramicist? What! Steve!” You throw your hands up in exasperation, “Come on! Your fuckin’ arms!”

He rolls his eyes, “I’m thirty-five and divorced. I sleep four hours a night. I’m a walking disaster.” Then he narrows his eyes at you.

“You’re gorgeous! You’re funny, you’re kind, you’re so sweet…! You’re honest?” He ticks off each adjective using his fingers, “You’re patient? God, Sarah throws half a tantrum and my world collapses. You’re dedicated. You’re---“

“Okay. Stop.” You mutter, cheeks burning hot, “I sleep on the couch next to a bottle of wine and have three pieces of furniture. We’re both disasters.”

Steve laughs and steps forward again, putting his hand over yours. “I just… didn’t want to mess anything up.” He whispers, “I like you so much… and… if we’re… talking about that. I haven’t… been with anyone in … two years. Other than you, I’ve only kissed one person my entire life… So, the question is—am I a bad kisser?”

You giggle as he gives you an apologetic smirk, shaking his head at the way you two have been aggressively complimenting each other. Standing on your tiptoes, you move to nuzzle your nose against his. “You’re a great kisser, Steve. The best.”

Darkness flutters over his eyes briefly before Steve expertly dodges your nose and catches your mouth with his instead. With a half-whimper, half-moan, Steve Rogers grabs the back of your neck in one large, warm hand and your lower back with the other and presses your body flush against his.

Oh.

He’s so tall he has to bend over and you’re so small against him that he’s nearly picking you up. A brief parting of your lips give you a moment to catch your breath, but he’s back again, tongue sliding against yours sweetly, as if asking a silent question.

Is this okay?

With a sigh of pleasure, you ask him to continue in the same, secret language. Your chest his burning hot, tummy quivering with nerves and delight as his hands roam your body. Firm. Strong. Almost desperate. Your own hands rest against his chest before one reaches up and cups his face, trailing your fingertips through his beard.

“D-does it bother you?” He mutters against your mouth before he slides down past your jaw and lands his lips on your neck, “My beard?”

“Mmm—no—” you’re breathless as he kneads his fingers into your waist, moving up to position them just below your breasts, “I like it—mmm-- lots.” You sigh, as his scruff tickles your shoulder, sending tingles all over your body. “I’d like to feel it… elsewhere, too.”

He freezes and pulls away. His hands place you back down on your feet-- back to Earth-- as he swallows hard, looking at you with open, red lips. Steve rolls the bottom one between his teeth and clenches his jaw, eyes half-lidded and lustful. You’re probably a wreck, too, you think as you catch yourself against a table.

“Can we---”

You cut him off. Your purse is already in your hands, keys swinging around your finger.

“God. Yes. I’ll follow you.”

Steve tugs you from the driver’s seat of your car, hand entwined with yours as he leads you up the walkway and over the step. Once the front door shuts behind him and he’s made sure it’s locked, you’re pressed up against the wall, purse, shoes, keys, clattering onto the hardwood.

“Oh, honey,” he mumbles as he presses his face into your collar, scooping you up into his arms. “Oh, Jesus, sweetheart.”

You’re glad he knows how to navigate his house with his eyes closed because the whole way there, you can’t stop kissing him. Your hands tug his hair and your teeth pinch his bottom lip. Steve responds by growling softly, biting you back, squeezing your thighs before slowly easing you onto his bed.

It’s dark in his room, but you feel the bed dip as he climbs on too. Both your eyes are trying to adjust—trying to find each other. Your hands fumble around until you catch him, his knee. His hands find your stomach. Slowly, he reaches for the hem of your shirt and peels it up over your head. Then he does the same to his own shirt and both of you shimmy out of your pants.

He is hard and hot when your bare skin touches his. Steve lies down on his side to face you, panting slightly as you glide your hand up and down his arm. Oh fuck, it’s been two years and the first man you touch is more like a mythical creature than any man. It should be illegal for someone to feel this good.

Trembling, you touch the hard planes of his torso, the ridges in his abdomen, the swell of his chest taking hard breaths. You shut your eyes and imagine the way he looks right now—breathless and wild. His knee parts your legs easily and one hand descends to feel your center, saturating your underwear.

“Jesus, baby,” Steve sighs into your neck. “You’re makin’ me crazy. This--” He begins to slide his digits up and down, getting the slippery wetness all over his fingers, “Already...”

A shudder rolls through your body upon hearing his words and you arch into his touch, moaning when he rubs your clit in perfect pulsing circles. He moves forward, kissing the tops of your breasts through your bra, nipping at the soft flesh spilling from the cups.

“Steve, you’ll make me come.” You admit, a little shyly even as your hips rock consciously into his hand. You paw at his arms, squeezing the ridges of thick muscles.

The mischievous chuckle that pours from his throat vibrates against your chest. Steve grabs onto your thigh and eases your leg over his hips inching closer and straightening himself until you’re aligned perfectly. He tilts back and guides you against him until your center slides against his bulge.

Just as you find the elastic of his waistband, he jerks away and places himself in-between your legs as he moves you onto your back. You scoot until your head hits the wall, propping yourself up on your elbows, giving him more room at the foot of the bed.

“You wanted to feel this?” Steve caresses your thighs with his cheek, the hairs on his beard tickling your sensitive skin. Your toes curl up reflexively as he moves back and forth, trailing his lips and face all over.

You squeal when the tip of his nose touches your mound, mouth hovering over your soaked panties. His mouth latches on, almost in a bite before he takes them off. Both his hands slide beneath your bottom, squeezing the soft flesh of your ass before he pulls your hips forward. You land on his face, eyes rolling back in ecstasy.

“Steve,” You gasp, “This is unfair.” Your body jerks with every teasing kiss he presses to your folds. His breath comes out in a smug puff of air that purposefully continues to drive you unbelievably closer to what feels like breaking entirely.

“Baby…” he mutters—right into your cunt, Jesus! You groan at the way his face is nestled there. “Baby---mm— It’s been two years for me.” He whispers, “If I don’t get you off now, in a really good way—it’s not gonna be good at all.”

“Steve—you know—ah! It’s been the same amount of time for me too, right?!”

He ignores you, crawling his hands around onto your hips to keep you from squirming. When you settle finally, he moves one hand to your center, sliding a finger up and down your slippery folds. His mouth latches onto your clit as his finger continues their trail. You fist his hair with both hands at the same time he slips a digit inside.

But he doesn’t move. Other than his tongue’s soft licks on your swollen clit, Steve doesn’t move at all. He happily lets his finger rest inside of you, gathering your juices all over his hand.

You whimper, trying to shimmy against them, anything to create more contact. Its intrusion builds a terrible itch inside of your body, and goddamn it, you want to scratch.

It feels like an eternity passes before he finally lets you have another—adding one more thick finger inside, stretching you as he moves them both around, curling them, pumping them in and out. He sucks enthusiastically on your sensitive bud, fucks you with two fingers almost wildly, and your body responds with fervor. You gasp and moan, arching your back into his hand and face, goosebumps blooming all over your shoulders and down your arms and legs.

“C’mon, that’s it. Thassa good girl. You’re so close. Almost there… Good girl… Good girl.”

With a cry, you come undone, rolling your hips every which way as you reach orgasm on Steve’s hand. His voice continues to praise you, lips kissing your sweat-slicked thighs, beard tickling your sensitive skin.

Instead of pulling away, Steve continues to stroke you with his fingers, slowly prodding at your entrance with a third.

“Just trying to get you ready.” He murmurs, and your heart stills. Ready?

You voice your concern, “What do you mean?”

With a slight chuckle, he sits up, wiping his mouth and parts of his beard with the back of his hand. In the dark, Steve reaches for your arm, guiding you to feel exactly what he’s talking about. A strangled cry escapes your throat as you wrap your fingers around his cock. Hot. Throbbing. Big.

Sweet, sensitive, divorced, baker, artist, ceramicist, father Steve fuckin’ Rogers was packing. And it isn’t until you nervously grip him in both hands do you realize the importance of his last statement.

“Can I get you ready, baby?” He asks again.

For the millionth time that night, your eyes roll back and get lost in your head as you lean against the headboard with a whimper. Steve crawls over on top of you, scoops you up once again in his arms, and places you on his lap. Your legs wrap around his back loosely as he holds you still, previous two fingers pushing inside gently.

You rest your head on his shoulder as your body shakes under his ministrations, already tired and overstimulated. Your hands find their way to grip him, massaging his length tenderly, savoring the temperature of his body, spreading the beaded precum at the tip of his cock up and down his shaft. Steve groans, scissoring his fingers inside of you, spreading your walls.

The third finger meets resistance as you tense up.

“S-sorry,” You whisper, “I’m… I’m pretty nervous…” But you move his hand back and try again. He’s so tender and sweet with you as he turns his head to place kisses on your cheek and ear. It’s a few minutes of this exploration before you feel brave enough to shift and stroke him with determination. Steve takes the message as a confirmation and reaches into the end table for a condom.

It’s slipped on and you follow suit, gasping as Steve guides your hips with one hand, and grips himself with the other. Slowly, he fills you inch by inch until he’s so deep inside you think he could emerge from your throat.

“Oh… my… God!” You cry. There aren’t enough words to describe it— the sweetest sting, an all-encompassing and chilling burn, a mystifying and utter fullness that nearly brings tears to your eyes. You’re afraid to move, to lose this sensation, and afraid to feel what comes next. But you know that you want it.

Steve kisses your lips tenderly, babbling praise, whispering affirmations, soothing the shock that surges up your spine with his warm palm. Slowly, he rocks you back, holding onto your body with one hand, smoothing the hair that falls over your face with the other.

You’re gripping him so tightly it takes some effort to slide even an inch of him out— and there’s many inches of him. Sweat collects on your brow as you grind, dragging against his length, forcing shudders to course all over both your bodies. “Is this okay?” you mutter, delirious, “Steve? You feel so good.”

He flexes within you, grunts into your ear. A dry chuckle escapes him as his hand squeezes your back just a little too hard. He’s holding back, trying to prolong your pleasure, but his own is chasing him down, only a few steps away from pouncing.

You coax it towards him with faster snapping of your hips against his, clawing at his back, nibbling on his ear. “Come on, my love… just a little more.”

With a grunt and a shudder, and a hard kiss to your lips that makes your teeth clack against each other, Steve thrusts one last time as deeply as possible, riding out his orgasm as he pulls your hips against his. The two of you feel welded together, sticky with sweat and so tightly flushed that you’re not sure where he ends and you begin. You body slumps as you drape your arms over his neck. Steve turns his head to kiss your shoulder before making the effort to pull away and clean himself up. He goes into the bathroom first, lying you down and covering you with the blanket.

When he returns, Steve finds you already dozed off. You palm rests under your cheek as you lie on your side, breathing deeply.

As quietly as he can, he squeezes in beside you, fitting himself against your back. He’s read it somewhere, that falling in love was a little bit like falling asleep. As his eyes slip shut, he feels it happening, just like that quote had said: slowly at first, then… all at once.

In the darkness behind his lids, there is strangely so much light.

Next Chapter

#steve rogers #steve rogers x reader #fanfiction #marvel #mcu #self insert #slow like honey heli0s

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currywaifu · 5 years ago

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𝐭𝐢𝐭𝐥𝐞: pampering you 𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩: yukishiro azuma/reader 𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠: sfw 𝐰𝐜: 1.8k words

𝐚𝐧: thank you for ordering, @sleepy-ruri ~ I actually used your tag game as a basis for certain parts~ anyways, I hope this was worth the wait! I was gonna go straight to the cuddle but got inspired to add some build-up.

The amount of sleep you get is a gamble between 4 hours and 20 hours, no in-between. Tonight was clearly heading towards the former, well if the caffeine swimming in your bloodstream had anything to say about it.

And that’s on coffee addiction, periodt.

It's pretty tough, on one hand, you valued your sleep. A comfy bed and a nice pillow taking you on a trip to meet the Greek god of slumber Hypnos himself was always ideal.

On the other hand, there were just too many things to do and too little time to do them. Sure, you had finished your work for the day, but you had a whole list of things you could stay up for without feeling an ounce of regret morning come.

Itaru told you that he saw a lot of potential in you ever since you opened up your wallet for that cat game everyone was playing during “The Great Sardine Search”. Was that supposed to be a compliment?

It started out with him recommending a few more casual and cute games, the usual cat and dog idle time waster games. After a few weeks, he had proclaimed it was time to “drag you into gacha hell with him,” whatever that meant.

It only started with a simple rhythm game, which not only had cute characters but was pretty free to play friendly.

Looking through the list the local gamer DMed you, you sighed in disappointment. Was it directed at Itaru for dragging you into this hellhole, or at yourself for succumbing to the joy and eternal suffering of gacha games? Who’s to say, really.

Obey Me!, three different Ikemen games, Twisted Wonderland, two Ensemble Stars games, a good amount of battle RPGs, one with handsome spirits, another with humanized swords, and a good amount of idol music games with either cute boys or girls to name just some of the titles.

Just looking at the google docs gave you a headache, they even came with little summaries and color-coded notes that made you wonder if Itaru tried out all of these at one point, even the otome ones. The very thought made you chuckle, plopping onto your bed as you decided to finally download one.

3 hours. Well, 2 hours and 48 minutes but who needs to know the finer details?

You’ve hit a new low, congratulations. Might as well have stayed up the whole time instead of going to sleep, but you ended up exhausting all your energy both in-game and otherwise. You ended up looking at gameplay guides until you inevitably passed out.

You wanted to sleep-in but there was still work to do. Trudging out of your bedroom and into the kitchen, several boys were already eating their breakfast.

“Good morning,” some of them turned to greet you, and you could see Yuki’s… disgust? Concern? Concern hidden under the guise of disgust?

“You look like a raccoon,” Yuki says bluntly as he stabs his pancake with a fork, “your shirt doesn’t even match your pants.”

You laugh, albeit tiredly, as you look down at the shirt you randomly snagged from your closet. Oh, haven’t seen this one in a while.

“That bad?”

Yuki scoffs at your question like it even needed to be asked, “you looked like you chose it blind.”

“Fufu, I’m sure there must be a reason why our dear director stayed up late,” a voice behind you says, patting down the bird’s nest on your head. It was difficult to resist his touch, even if it was just that little, and you found yourself shifting into a position where he’d have more access to pet you.

Did he say you had a good reason for staying up? If he thought so kindly of you, you’ll let it stay that way for as long as possible.

“Oh my, our director sure is affectionate today,” you didn’t realize that your eyes had closed until they fluttered open again, looking straight up at an amused Azuma.

“Sorry, having a hard time staying awake,” you muttered, still enjoying the man’s healing touch. Ahh, no wonder he was so popular. Not only was he beautiful and a gentleman, but you could feel your stamina bar slowly filling up just by him petting you on the head.

“Agh, it’s too early in the morning for this,” Yuki grumbled, looking away to finish the rest of his meal, “you better fix yourself later.”

You were going to dig in the food Omi so helpfully served you, but Azuma’s eyes scrutinizing your face made you more conscious than usual. Sure, Yuki mentioned your eye bags but he seemed more bothered by your not-so-cute outfit choice.

With Azuma, who always did his best to maintain and improve his appearance, it was a little different.

“You poor thing, someone as cute as you doesn’t deserve to look so tired,” he tutted, letting out a thoughtful hum. It was difficult to read Azuma’s face, but gears seemed to be turning in his head as he combed through your hair.

He paused his ministrations to bring your face closer, and you quickly averted your gaze. You weren’t sure if the other boys were watching, but still!

“Azuma, can you-“

“Come to my room later, okay? If you’re going to stay up, at least let me help you take care of your skin, hmm?”

The offer was tempting. It was kind of embarrassing going to a man’s room at night, even more, embarrassing to have him look at your face closely, regardless if it was just to help you with your skin!

Then again, he was a comforting presence. Being around him rejuvenated your spirit, which was very needed after that horrible no event card, x10 summon and the migraine Sakyo’s logistics lecture gave you.

Knocking on his door, Azuma personally greeted and escorted you inside. He sat you down on his bed as he walked away to grab a whole tray of products, the different colors and sizes momentarily distracting you. You weren’t sure if you could count properly at this point, but weren’t there 10 different products?

“I think these products will work best with your skin. There are ten steps so pay close attention to me, okay?”

Something about the way he just said things were so alluring? It really wasn’t fair to you.

“Alright,” you watched as he plucked an amber-colored bottle from the tray, pushing the nozzle that released its contents onto his fingers. It looked like an oil product, shining as the pads of his fingers touched your face.

“This is an oil cleanser, it removes your make-up and draws out other oil-based impurities,” he explained, beginning to massage the cleanser in. By instinct you shut your eyes, enjoying the sound of laughter coming from Azuma.

“Don’t get sleepy yet, director~ We still need to wash your face a few times after this.”

...

After washing your face for the second time, Azuma said you could finally relax. Well, you were gonna take him up on that suggestion.

Tomorrow you’ll take note of all the different skincare products and the steps in the routine, but for now, it was hard to pay attention, what with Azuma pampering you and his silvery voice lulling you into sleep.

Surely there were a few more steps to go, right? You’ll get some shut-eye until he finishes, then.

Azuma takes notice immediately of your lack of responsiveness, not even a gentle hum to let him know you were listening. Watching the steady rise and fall of your chest, he smiles to himself as he continues. It’s not often he gets to see this side of you, so he thinks himself pretty lucky. He’ll spoil you as much as you want.

...

Your hair being played with rouses you awake and even through the haze of drowsiness and the lack of lights in the room, you can tell Azuma’s been at this for a while.

“Good morning, sleeping beauty,” he says softly, and you were sure his playful teasing pinked your face.

“Sorry, how long was I asleep?” When you entered Azuma’s room there was still some noise outside from the rest of the boys, but now the silence made it feel like you two were the only people still up.

Of course, with someone like Itaru and maybe even Banri around, you doubted it.

“Long enough for me to finish my own nightly routine, actually.”

“Sorry for taking up your bed space. I’m sure you want your beauty sleep, too.”

You should move, but now you felt much too comfortable to even leave the bed. You knew some of the other boys have already slept over with him, Mankai’s local amnesiac being a frequent bed invader himself; would he be alright with it if you slept over?

You looked up at him, figuring out what to say or waiting for him to pitch the idea himself, but he only stared at you, patiently waiting for what you had to say for yourself.

“Could I sleep here tonight?” The corners of his eyes crinkled, lips lifted upwards. Maybe you never gave it much thought, but at that moment he gave off a warm glow, not unlike a fireplace on a cold, winter night.

“My room and bed will always have a space vacant for you, director.” His dulcet tones were like honey to your ears, sweet and loving, and like a moth to a flame you were entranced.

He carefully adjusted the pillows, lifting the blanket before snuggling beside you. He left a small space between the two of you, leaving you with the choice to come closer or not.

Scooting your body nearer, you turn around so that you faced the wall instead of him.

“Little spoon this time, then?” You don’t respond, not really finding a reason to do so. At first, he’s stroking your arm, fingertips drawing incomprehensible patterns and shapes against your skin. First on your hands, slowly moving upwards to your forearm, until he reached your shoulder where you could finally make out a shape.

Stopping him for a moment, you shift slightly to take his palm and trace back a heart.

“Oh, are you playing with me?” He murmurs, now fully encircling his arms around you, his stomach resting against your back. Your legs tangle slightly with his, as tucks his chin by your shoulder, making you two inseparable.

In the darkness, his embrace was like a small dose of heaven, and your senses were beginning to shut down once more.

He breathes in your sweet scent, and you take in the rhythmic beat of his heart as both of you finally close your eyes.

“Good night, Azuma.”

“Good night, lovely.”

When Azuma woke up, he was face to face with his precious director engulfed in his arms, still in dreamland. During the night you must have turned around to face him. He briefly considered waking you up or moving you to get up but shut the thought down just as fast. His skin care routine could wait a few minutes.

Silently, he observes your peaceful face for a little longer.

Sometimes getting up early isn’t bad at all. After all, he gets to see a cute sleeping figure beside him.

want to order again?

#a3!#a3! act! addict! actors!#azuma yukishiro #yukishiro azuma #a3! azuma #a3! game #a3 actor training game #a3 azuma #reader insert #azuma x reader #cafe: dessert menu #a3! x reader #a3 x reader

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vael · 4 years ago

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My Mint Mobile Experience

Looking to cut our recurring costs and having heard an ad at the right time, I looked into Mint Mobile and estimated I'd save $1,000/year by making the switch from Sprint. I never felt comfortable paying ~$120/mo for just two Sprint lines, especially given that we spend most of our time at home. (I work remotely) As an added bonus, they gave me a full year's credit just for buying a Samsung S10 Edge through them. I essentially bought a phone and got a free year of service for it.

Unfortunately, the process has been a bit rocky. Despite the trouble I had, I still recommend Mint Mobile if you want to save money. Use this code for $15 off your plan, and they'll give me a credit, too: http://fbuy.me/ry-C9

Before You Start

You'll need to unlock your phone. Don't pay a service for this! Just call or preferably chat with your provider's support team and when they ask why you want to unlock, you can just say you may want to sell your device later, or you can just be truthful and be prepared for them to try to retain you with special deals. (do not be tempted) Make sure to find your account number while you're in there, should be on your bill.

And obviously, make sure your phone will work with Mint Mobile, which it likely will.

And So I Started

My phone arrived a day earlier than the SIM cards. I set it up and downloaded the Mint Mobile app. They provide step-by-step instructions to guide you through adding their network to your phone and the app portion of the switch was easy.

The SIM card can be a bit tricky if you have a tier-3 ("military grade", I dub it) protective case on your phone. Otherwise, inserting the new chip should take about a minute. Mint tells you it will take up to 48 hours to configure your new SIM, but for me it took about two minutes for the app to tell me the card was ready. This really should be the end of your Mint-conversion journey, and should have been of mine.

Technical Difficulty

Update, two months later: all seems to be resolved. Rarely I'll notice Pokemon GO acting up, but I'm not sure if that's Mint's fault.

To recap, I switched service from Sprint to Mint. I bought a new Samsung S10 Edge through Mint. I swapped my wife's Samsung S9+ over to Mint as well.

The problems were immediate, which is to be expected: you should be prepared to miss calls and texts for about 48 hours. I happened to switch on the weekend, maybe a weekday would have sped things along. We were (proven) uncontactable for about 48 hours each: my mother tried calling us both and it went straight to voicemail. I may have permanently missed texts; in some cases the texts came through in bulk.

Post-48-Hour Problem Summary: early on, would randomly get a mass of texts sent (both outgoing and incoming) at once. That seems to be better now. Calls are generally fine but rarely I'll have to call, get no signal, and then call again. Just yesterday at over 3 weeks of using Mint, my wife couldn't get a text out to me. (trivial; we're learning to just use Facebook) I honestly still feel like it's worth it to save $1,000/year.

For reference, here's my house's coverage from their Coverage Map. They tell me coverage isn't so great in my area. Looks decent to me. Word on the street is their coverage map isn't very accurate.

Customer service was a mixed bag.

Phone call 1: This guy was okay. We went through the general IT steps, resetting the network and such. Eventually, "We can see there is an issue, let me talk to the network provider and do some things." I was told. The line eventually dropped after 40 minutes of holding.

Phone call 2: This woman seemed trained in doing little more than offering replacement SIM cards. Her accent made it hard to understand her and when we got our confirmation email for the replacement SIM, she'd butchered our street name. She'd even spelled the word "road" as "roud"!

The new SIM did not end up helping. At this point I went to customer service chat. The helper did everything he could, but it looked like my last hope was MintMobileAlex. Have a look at that page and you'll see Mint is not without its problems.

MintMobileAlex is run by a 24/7 team. They're fairly quick to respond. They were the most helpful, but ultimately they just kept coming back with telling me that our SIM cards both don't look like they're properly activated:

I can confirm that the SIM from our end shows to not be read on the device or recognized still.

This is after installing a replacement SIM in my phone. It seemed that no matter what I tried, we were just going to be unrecognized to Mint, despite the fact it was working quite well most of the time. Perhaps that's why we still have intermittent trouble; I doubt the heart of Greenville, SC should have poor cell coverage.

Ultimately, I would still make the switch. I think Mint Mobile will improve in the next few years, but I'm also starting to think the bigger carriers will start to offer cheaper plans. I'd originally dropped Verizon for Sprint because Sprint was considerably cheaper (and Verizon is evil).

Mint's app and website are really good and I'm very impressed with their web developers.

Let me know if you sign up, and don't forget to use my link to save you and me money! 🥳

#mint mobile

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thebookworm0001 · 4 years ago

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Words cannot express how much i want either a gaming laptop or a pc

Friend, I understand you completely. It’s why I saved up for a long time to build my own. Did you come here for a how-to on how to build one for yourself? Probably not! But I’m gonna tell you how anyway because it is significantly cheaper to build yourself a pc than to buy one (and laptops are even more expensive).

So! You wanna build a computer? Here’s what you need:

-Motherboard. All the things plug into this. Very Important. Do not break. When handling, touch metal beforehand so you don’t shock it with static and fry it. Comes in 3 sizes aka form factors: ATX (standard). mATX (smaller). itx (holy shit its tiny) smaller=/=cheaper! all pretty much have the same layout and all come with a manual. front panel connectors are a bitch.

-CPU. Your processor! The thing that processes all the ones and zeros into shit you actually understand. Very expensive. Very delicate. Do not drop. Needs something to keep it cool. Lots of cpus will come with a cpu fan in the box but not all. They touch the cpu with a weird paste called thermal paste that helps heat go away. Fans or liquid cooling will screw into the motherboard over the cpu.

-GPU. The most expensive part of your build, probably. If you’re building a gaming pc it’ll probably be ~1/3 of your budget. It’s the thing that makes everything pretty and visible. Gotta have a graphics card to see what the ones and zeros are doing. Two brands rule the GPU market: Nvidia and AMD. Idk if one is better than the other but I went AMD because i could get a better one for cheaper so.

-RAM. Your computer’s short-term memory. Lots of RAM means more tabs of Google Chrome open at a time. 16 gigs will get you through just about anything. 32 is generally overkill. 8 is less than you want for a dedicated gaming pc since most newer games have a higher RAM demand.

-Storage. Comes in two forms: a physical hard drive (reliable but kinda slow at this point when compared to an ssd. definitely your cheapest option) or a solid-state drive (smaller than a HD. much faster. more expensive. generally comes either as a 2.5″ brick-looking thing or a stick called an m.2 which is even more expensive and even faster) You want enough of this to store your operating system and games on. Lots of people go with a base of 1 TB (1000 gigabytes) because games take up a lot of room. 500 can get you through if your library is smaller or you don’t mind rotating games on and off the computer. can get one big storage thing or as many as you want. some people have a smaller ssd to hold the operating system and frequently used games (so they load fast) and store everything else on a much larger hd.

-Power Supply. Pretty self explanatory. The thing that powers all the other things. You want one that gives you enough power for all the parts to work at the same time at max capacity. Don’t cheap out on this they can do weird shit like explode and break all your parts. Come in three types: non-modular, semi-modular, and modular. it just determines how many power cords are permanently attached to the power supply. non-modular are cheaper, but tend to have mustard-and-ketchup colored cords (not pretty) and they can be a pain to manage. you gotta hide those extra cords you aren’t using somewhere (which is why people like cases with a ‘shroud’ or little box that hides the power supply). Modular are more expensive but it’s really nice to only plug in the cables you need.

-Operating system. Yeah you built the computer but you gotta have a thing that lets you interact with it. Windows is the most common. You can also get it for free. Kinda. Gotta flash drive? Go here and download the windows installer, stick the usb into your new computer and BAM! Windows is installed. You’ll have a nasty watermark and be unable to put your own background on it without an activation key (~$130 for Windows 10) but you can use it.

-Case. The thing you put everything else into. Can be plain black boxes or wierd illuminati pyramid things. Make sure the size matches up with your motherboard form factor. There are these little screws called standoffs in the case that secure the motherboard to it. The standoffs have to match up or the motherboard won’t fit. Power supplies and graphics cards also have to fit inside the case - make sure it’s big enough. Those dimensions will be listed with the info for the case and the individual parts. Case can come with fans or without. (You need fans. They keep your parts from heating up - which kills them. there’s also water cooling but its more expensive and scares the heck out of me. most cases only really need the fans that come with but you can add more.)

That’s it! (well. plus a monitor and keyboard and mouse and speakers/headphones but those aren’t the computer. also optional: rgb - the fun lights that make your case look like a unicorn barfed inside it. can be part of your fans or just strips of lights. lots of gaming motherboards have rgb built in. i like rgb.)

Sites like https://pcpartpicker.com/ will help you figure out the parts you need and if they’re compatible. Because it sucks to buy your parts and realize they don’t go together. The big ones? Motherboard and cpu. CPUs are generally made by either Intel or AMD. Currently, AMD is the best bang for your buck. Motherboards are designed to work with one brand of cpu - and generally specific chipsets. Motherboards will tell you the chipsets or series they work with (eg a 3000 series chipset which means it can work with any ryzen 3000 cpu like a Ryzen 5 3600 or 9 3900x). Motherboards will also only work with specific RAM depending on your CPU. There’s a support page on their sites that gives cpu and ram compatibility. RAM support pages show up like this:

which sucks (this is for the B550M AORUS ELITE (rev. 1.0) board from Gigabyte)

just google that module pin and the right shit will pop up. that first one is the VENGEANCE® LPX 32GB (4 x 8GB) DDR4 DRAM 4000MHz C19 Memory Kit - Red (aka corsair’s vengence lpx line of ram with 4 8gb sticks of ram that run at 4000 megahertz in a fancy red case - you can see all that info in the pin number if you pay attention but its easier to google. the faster the ram [that MHz number] the more expensive. the more gigabytes the more expensive. ram also comes with rgb options. they are more expensive.)

Always makes sure stuff is compatible. Pcpartpicker will tell you if something isn’t. It’s very helpful. but also check the motherboard support lists. nothing else has compatibility issues generally: manufacturers want you to be able to use whatever parts you can get with their stuff so you keep buying from them.

sites like https://benchmarks.ul.com/ https://www.gpucheck.com/ and https://www.userbenchmark.com/ are great for comparing. wanna know if you can get a cheaper part that works just as well? go to these places.

benchmarks.ul

gpucheck (RX Vega 56 vs AMD Radeon Rx 5600 xt)

userbenchmark (Jedi: Fallen Order recommended parts vs my own build)

Newegg.com is a really great place to buy your parts and it usually has the cheapest prices. Make sure to shop around though. pcpartspicker is pretty good about telling you where the best prices are, but sometimes amazon or newegg will drop their prices randomly. also with the plague times, prices and availability are fucking weird right now. stuff will be out of stock for weeks. just. pay attention and check frequently.

I really like this video for trying to figure out budgets. Only have $300 to spend? They got you. Have $3000? They’ve got a guide for that as well. There’s a ton of budget build guides out there but this is the most recent one I like. Motherboard prices could be down a bit due to the very recent release of the b550 chipset, but again, plague times are making computer parts more expensive. That channel has a ton of reviews actually (and step-by-step guides for building) and is geared toward the gaming-minded so if they say a laptop or prebuilt computer is good and fits your budget, check it out. Prebuilts make life easier for you, but you can end up getting a less-than-stellar quality with the additional cost of construction. plus building your own means you know exactly what to do when it comes time to upgrade your parts.

once you put everything where it should go, turn it on! it might not work, that’s okay. you might not have plugged something in all the way! or maybe a part was dead on arrival. get that fixed and install your operating system. once that’s done - get connected to the internets (if you don’t have a wifi card installed you gotta plug that sucker into the wall via an ethernet cable) and start downloading drivers from the motherboard manufacturer’s website and the gpu manufacturer’s website. your motherboard might come with a dvd of them but if you don’t have an optical drive (dvd player) that doesn’t help you. update your operating system. then download your games and play! (you can also do this thing called overclocking where you go into the bios when your computer is loading and max out all your hardware’s settings but that isn’t necessary for casual gameplay and can also void your warranties)

i hope you enjoyed that infodump you didn’t ask for!

#in which i explain how to build a computer even though no one asked #thatfluffybabyduck #hannah answers asks

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kylejourney · 4 years ago

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Coping Skills Tips

Hello world I am strongly recommended coloring! You probably think it is stupid or lame. Whatever your opinion is I am strong recommended coloring. You probably wonder why because it is one of coping skills! It helps relax stress and help with boredom! I am glad I started again because I had stress relaxation and times goes fast so I do not get bored. It will benefit you a lot! Think about it you can give coloring papers to your family or friends. I do color pages in paper protectors in the binder to give my family members for Christmas. It cheaper honest but it is good present!! I enjoyed coloring. When you have anxiety or stress you should try coloring. If you find that is not helping you do not worry, I can recommend other coping skills. I suggest you write down on the list or cards of what coping skills. Also, I suggest you do with coping thoughts too. I do the index cards with the ring so I can look at them any time I needed to.

Ok I am also strongly recommended journaling if you love to write why not write in the journal? I am suggesting you have separated journals one for personal and one for your counselor. If you are in counseling, it helps your counselor understand more. You do not have to tell them anything that why you should have separated ones. I do that so my counselor understand me better. If you do better express in writing, then you should do it. If writing is not your thing then you can make a video of yourself then show to your counselor. I tried that but I did not like it.

Stress toys or stress balls. You can take it any time to work, driving, school, and any places. It easy to carry and can be in your pocket. Just try find one that do not do annoying noises. When I had fidget toy in class trip people who made a speech can hear it. So, I was bothering them. I think most hospital have them just try to ask!

Aroma therapy you buy the light. You pour a little water in it and do two drops of essential oils. Yeah then you need to turn it on too. Lavender is good for anxiety and pain. It is most popular people use. Try not get some essential that not good for cats and dogs. They have some essential oils that not good for dogs and cats. So, you should look it up online or borrow library book. Also, you can buy the bracelet if you do not want buy light. You do two drops on your bracelet and it get smell. If it gives you strong headache do not do it next time or use different essential oils. There some essential oils rolls for pain like headache. You can look it up more about that. Just try not near to cats and dogs.

Blogging! If you have a lot of ideas or stories why not share it? What about write a short book? Maybe write a poem? Maybe make up a joke? Being creative is fun! If you struggle with English like I do you should try do English workbook. Start with level 1 if needed. It is not harmed to teach yourself English! Amazon has these English workbooks. Also, you can google ideas but do not steal people’s ideas. So be creative! What about write a letter or write a email?

Play with bubbles! If its nice day I suggested, you play with bubbles. It is fun to me! You can get bubbles wand or whatever. You do not have to blow bubble wands but if you get to blow bubbles try deep breath slowly and blow. Try not breathing fast because when I do it will not blow. So, try slowing it down. Why not become a bubble artist?

Workout or move around. I suggest when you are stressed move around or workout. It helps you make feel good. Even if you are depressed too. You can even sit and move your arms and legs. There much yoga on YouTube you can try. If possible, you can go to swim and do exercise because it is low impact. Walking should help too. If you have watch or Fitbit, you can track your steps but not be hard on yourself if you do not do a lot of steps. You can dance around randomly like no one watching. It is silly but fun. Join in sports if possible.

Doodling, sketching, painting, etc. If you are a talented artist why not sell your stuff or share your ideas? My friend has her art page where she sells art things. What about set up account about your art? If you cannot draw just start and learn!

Deep breathing! There some different ways to deep breathing like star and 4-7-8. Your counselor can help with that or you can learn yourself from the app. Try think about how you breathe not other stuff in your head. Focus how deep breathe you do and find a place that people cannot bother you. You should find comfortable place like on couch or floor. I saw the school once had place for stressed person to do deep breath. It hard to start but you will get it. You do not always have to close your eyes. Even if at school or work you feel stressed take a moment deep breathe. Be careful when you are driving!

Talk to your close friends or family. When you feel need someone talk to. I suggest you find right person for that. I am thankful I have some support people you should try find one too. If they will not listen, you or not support you then they are not for you. Call the crisis line if you do not have someone talk to and you feel like want to hurt yourself or kill yourself. Like I said writing in journal also helps.

Make videos or take pictures. If you want to be a model or actor. Start practicing and small steps help. You can ask people for their advice. Follow people on social media. You can look up more about that I do not know much about that. But making YouTube channel is good step too.

Take a bath or shower. When you are depressed and do not shower or bath for few days. Do it and you will feel a little better. You will find yourself cleaner and fresher which is good thing! Maybe people said, “Ooh you smell so good!” Also, you should brush your teeth daily you do not want to have cavity trust me. When you have teeth pain it hurt like hell. The cheek gets swollen and ear hurts too. Try not eating too much candy because it delays your teeth from the chemical. I strong suggest you brush your teeth twice daily and floss!

Do whatever coping skills that help you. If you find whatever coping skill help you should do it, but smoking, drugging, drinking, and binge eating are bad coping skills. If you find good coping skills, then that is good! I made many coping skills tips and if you are in counseling and struggling. That is okay because it almost takes me almost two years to do coping skills better. It will happen for you too. You will depend on coping skills better. Also, I will explain about promise and motivated. If you want do workout today you promise yourself, you will do it. That is means you do it because you promised. Then you will feel better. So, if you depend on motivated you may not do it and you may feel not good. If you broke promise with yourself just forgive yourself and move on. Try do more promise than depend on motivated.

I hope it helps and you enjoy reading it! 😊

#copingskills

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evenstevensranked · 6 years ago

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#6: Season 1, Episode 18 - “Movie Madness”

Louis takes a stab at directing a short film in hopes of winning the Sacramento Young Peoples Film Festival and it is absolutely incredible. Not the film, the film is god awful. But Louis’ blatant, unfiltered narcissism -- THAT is something to behold. The subplot follows yet another one of Ren’s attempts to approach Bobby Deaver for the first time but somehow results in some glorious miscommunication between her and recurring character Ivan.

This one opens in history class with a teacher named Todd Zanders who only appears in this one episode. I kinda love this guy and wish we saw more of him. He’s a total hippie and is making the class take “deep, cleansing breaths -- in with the good, out with the bad” when Louis comes running in late and disrupts the peace. Louis is clearly excited about something so Todd pulls the old “why don’t you share with the rest of the class” card, probably hoping that will intimidate Louis and shut him up, but this is Louis Stevens we’re talking about here. Todd technically gave him the floor, so ya know Louis is gonna run with it. He gets up on his chair and announces to everyone that he’s going to be entering his currently non-existent film in the Sacramento Young Peoples Film Festival.

“I, Louis Stevens, will be entering my film in the Sacramento Young Peoples Film Festival. And after I win first place in the festival and get my million dollar movie deal... I will, sadly, be moving to Beverly Hills to a sprawling ranch home.” -- The narcissism is already in full swing. I love it. I also love that Louis says he’ll be moving to a ranch home because he already stated in Episode 15 that he’s “always liked ranch style!” houses. Good continuity.

Louis goes on to say he’ll be needing a limo driver, a gardener and even suggests that Todd should be his personal chef. Oh my god. He tells Tawny, Twitty, and Tom to meet him at his house after school to discuss the logistics of the project and its million-dollar plot.

It cuts to the subplot where we meet both Ruby and Bobby for the first time! Ruby is reporting to Ren with her latest gossip column and the two of them end up checking out Bobby Deaver from across the hall. I just gotta include a gif of Bobby’s first appearance because the level of intentional dramatic cheese is hilarious.

Ren is gushing over Bobby from afar saying things like “He’s so cute. Look at his hair... It’s perfect. Look at his walk! He’s so cool!” and for whatever reason, everyone’s favorite lackey Ivan is within earshot and assumes Ren is crushing on him. He’s flying solo in this episode and I guess this shows us why he’s a hanger-on every other time we see him. Ivan on his own is pretty sad and shy.

Ivan under the impression that Ren’s compliments are directed at him.

Ruby inspires Ren to talk to Bobby but warns Ren that she should write down everything she wants to say to him beforehand to ensure their first conversation will be absolutely perfect. We get a bit later on where Ren is in her room trying to come up with an ideal icebreaker and oh my freaking god. This has got to be one of my favorite Ren scenes in the entire series. Good LORD! She imagines how each scenario could play out in her head and I die laughing every time. Two brilliant ideas she comes up with are to walk right up to Bobby and say “Hey, Bobby. Nice belt!” or my personal favorite: “Hey, Bobby! Oh, I wouldn’t try that Salisbury steak if I were you!” The writing on this show is so incredibly random sometimes that it only ever results in greatness. Also “Nice belt!” is so disturbing. She says it in the most suggestive way too. Why are you staring at.. that... region, Ren?! Each ridiculous scenario ends with Bobby making the most irritated and confused face and completely ignoring her... because, I mean... would you know what to say to someone who walks up to you, creepily smiles, and tells you to avoid eating Salisbury steak with no further explanation?

I just realized that this show often depicts girls as being the first ones to make a move or initiate a relationship, which is kinda cool since we’re pretty much conditioned to sit around and wait.

After everything, Ren ultimately decides that marching up to him and saying “Hi, Bobby! I have a big crush on you and I just wanted to let you know how I feel!” is the best way to go.

It cuts to Louis’ room where he’s having that meeting with Tawny, Twitty, and Tom. Once again, we see Louis determined to find his "thing." That’s pretty much what the overall theme of the show originally set out to be. In addition to our lovely bickering siblings, of course. Here, he’s super optimistic that he’s finally found his “thing” in writing/directing. Sweetie!!! Your thing is comedy!! We all know this already!!!! But, still. I really enjoy the idea of Louis constantly searching for something to excel at. He explains to them that “Everyone has their thing. Twitty has his music! You’ve got your poetry! Tom’s got..... his... parents!” HAHA. Poor Tom.

Louis goes on to brief the gang on the plot of the movie which he describes as “the classic love story about an alien (Tawny) and a cowboy (Twitty).” An instant classic, honestly. Louis truly believes that they’ll “walk in as nobodies, and walk out as stars” after appearing in his movie. Well, everyone except Tom -- who he relegates to the role of his assistant.

”I see stars.”

It cuts straight to filming and boy do things really get going now. Louis has transformed part of the living room into a tinfoil explosion, which I’m assuming is supposed to be the inside of a spaceship. (see cover photo.) This episode is FULL of amazing dialogue and quotes from Louis. It’s insane! So, as usual, it’s going to be very difficult for me to not quote every single one. Twitty decided that his cowboy should have giant mutton chop sideburns and speak with an English accent without consulting Louis, Louis gets insulted because “that’s not in the script” -- which Twitty and Tawny haven’t even been given yet. Once they get their scripts, however, they’re confused as to why it’s only one page. Louis, being the informed and gifted director he thinks he is, condescendingly explains “We’re only shooting scene 27 today. We shoot out of order. It’s called filmmaking.” Except everyone knows that films shoot out of order due to the availability and scheduling of the sets/locations and actors, etc. Louis Stevens has only two actors at his indefinite disposal and seemingly one set location. He’s literally shooting out of order for no reason and is completely oblivious. It’s great.

Louis can’t be bothered with rehearsals, blocking, or any other necessary steps towards making a movie and jumps straight to filming. Tawny is unsure of what he wants her to do because “all that script said was ‘the spaceship lands and the alien looks around.’” Louis has no time for her valid confusion and snaps “THAT’S RIGHT. YOU’RE CONFUSED AND FRUSTRATED. DID YA READ IT?!?!” I love this so much. Louis starts recording and Tawny vents out of character/as herself: “This is ridiculous. I don’t know where I am! I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M DOING!” and Louis praises her ‘performance.’ HAHAHAHAHAHA.

“GENIUS! THAT IS GENIUS! RIGHT ON THE MONEY, BABE! RIGHT ON THE MONEY!”

I’m not even sure how to review the next part of the episode because the performances truly speak for themselves and I gotta stop myself from typing out a transcript of the whole thing, lol. Basically, Louis goes into full meltdown mode. Freaking out over Tawny saying “Hi, Cowboy” instead of “Hello,” Twitty’s unauthorized addition of a gold tooth for his cowboy, and Ren interrupting a scene. “PEOPLE, THIS IS NOT A DEMOCRACY. THIS IS A MOVIE. IT’S MY MOVIE. WHICH I WILL NOT LET YOU MESS UP!” He instructs Twitty and Tawny to meet him outside for a saloon scene. Except Louis doesn’t have saloon money:

Twitty: “Louis! What is this, man? Where’s the rest of the saloon?!” Louis: “CUT! Twitty, it’s a close-up. No one’s gonna see the saloon!! Let’s try it again. But this time, give me a little more.” Twitty: “More what?!” Louis: “JUST MORE!!!!!!”

-- Louis Stevens, everyone. The greatest director of our time. 10/10 would recommend.

We get possibly the greatest line in the whole episode when they start filming and a lawnmower revs up as soon as Louis shouts ‘action.’ He cannot believe the audacity of his neighbor and shouts “WHAT IS THAT? WHAT IS THE NOISE?! WHO MOWS THEIR LAWN ON WEDNESDAY?!?!?!” Things only get worse when the sprinklers randomly turn on too. At this point, Louis is #confirmed crazy.

“TOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” I also love Louis’ little toilet paper roll that serves absolutely no real purpose.

The next day, they move on to filming the big finale scene where Zenobia the Alien takes off in her spaceship, leaving her cowboy lover behind. Louis originally intended for it to take place during a harsh winter blizzard and assigned Tom the responsibility of making convincing snowflakes. Tom shows up with this:

“TOM, YOU CHOWDERHEAD! I ASKED FOR SNOWFLAKES, NOT DOILIES!”

Louis has no choice but to ditch the blizzard and changes it to “a blazing desert windstorm in the middle of fall.” Okay. Zenobia’s spaceship is a tiny tinfoil thing way up in the trees and Tawny’s like “......how am I supposed to get up there?!” and Tom arrives with a “harness” that’s actually just a freaking elastic luggage rope as if that’s going to handle Tawny’s weight. But Louis assures her “of course it’s safe!!!” because he had Tom test it on a 20-pound sack of potatoes. Sounds legit.

Is he gonna add that “blazing desert windstorm” in post, or?

They start filming and sure enough, the “harness” breaks and Tawny falls a good 8 feet to the ground. Louis couldn’t care less though and the gang is D O N E with him at this point. They all quit the project on the spot, leaving Louis to finish the movie himself. Tom was the last one to quit and it’s pretty sad. Louis immediately looks to Tom as a last resort and expects him to step in and help finish the movie, but Tom flat out says “you’re only nice to me when you want something” and Louis has no remorse like “yeah, so?” -- This is the only part of the episode that kills me. But even so, you can tell that Louis is realizing the error of his ways pretty quickly.

Louis left sad and deserted. “I CAN FINISH THIS MOVIE BY MYSELF!!! .....It’s my ‘thing’.”

Unfortunately, finishing the movie himself includes having to play every role himself as well. Louis is confident that if he shoots at the right angle and disguises his face and voice, no one will be able to tell the difference: “It’s called Movie Magic.”

Ren: “I’m sorry, little three-eyed girl, but do you know where my brother is?”

It cuts back to the subplot. Remember how Ren wrote a hypothetical note to Bobby just to get her thoughts down? Well, she gave it to Ruby to read and Ruby proceeded to stuff it into Bobby’s history textbook without Ren’s permission. Great job, Ruby. Unsurprisingly, Ren is livid. I would be too. Ren is a mess during history class, sweating the moment when Bobby will take out his book. So she crawls on the ground and tries to sneakily retrieve the note from his backpack. This is pretty funny. Her teacher is the same hippie guy, Todd, and this time he’s making Ren’s class do stretches “for knowledge, focus, and concentration.” Once Ren is spotted on the ground lookin’ like a weirdo, she makes up some bogus excuse that she was “squatting for truth!” HAHAHA.

She’s unable to get the note back in time, but amazingly... the note isn’t even in Bobby’s book! Turns out Ivan and Bobby bumped into each other in the hallway earlier and accidentally swapped books in the process. Therefore, the note was delivered to Ivan. You guys know I love a good miscommunication plot. They never fail to make me laugh. Ivan dramatically approaches her later and says “Ren... It needs to end. The looks in the hall, love notes...” I really love Eric Jungmann’s performance here. He’s pretty hilarious and obliviously arrogant, thinking that Ren is in love with him. One thing I never understood was how Ivan could think the note was written for him though? Because I’m SURE Ren must’ve written Bobby’s name somewhere on there! Unless she was keeping it super mysterious for whatever reason. Anyway, Ivan says “Please, Ren. Don’t speak. I’m gonna walk away now. Try not to watch me.” I love it. That’s the end of the subplot. Much like in Surf’s Up, I wish this miscommunication plot had more layers!!

Ren just stares at him all ~fake-emotional~ and lets him believe what he wants to believe lol.

CUT TO THE FILM FESTIVAL!!! Which takes place at the real-life Vista Theatre in Los Angeles. (Another filming location I’ve added to my bucket list, tbh.) Louis is clearly anxious while waiting around for the festival to kick off and is kinda dreading the ~big premiere~ of his million-dollar movie. He’s sort of standing there rambling random things off to people like ‘have your people call my people!’ and at one point walks alongside a guy and says “yada, yada, yada... let’s just talk about somethin’!” -- Seinfeld reference, anyone?! Crazy to think that the “Yada Yada” episode first aired a mere 4 years before this at the time. I just thought that line was another awesome, subtle thing to throw in and makes for a cool connection to Louis’ Kramer poster. Of course, Louis Stevens would casually quote Seinfeld! I bet it was an ad-lib, honestly. Shia’s the best.

In the end, Twitty, Tawny, and Tom eventually show up in support of Louis and his movie. Louis apologizes for acting like a jerk and Tom even vows to put “the snowflake incident” behind them. It’s a nice moment before the premiere of what might be the best worst movie ever made, only in competition with Tommy Wiseau’s The Room.

Let’s just say, “Three Eyes Wide Shut” premiered to... mixed... reviews from the audience. It's very embarrassing. We never actually see the finished product. They only show us a few scenes, which always bummed me out. So I took it upon myself to edit together what “Three Eyes Wide Shut” might’ve turned out like given everything we saw Louis film. And it’s... something:

vimeo

The intro alone kills me. You know a movie’s gonna be a doozy when the opening credits are typed in Comic Sans. Notice how at the very end Tom mispronounces his own name?! He definitely says “Tom Griblaowski.” Really weird.

Needless to say, Louis is absolutely mortified by how awful his movie was. He tries hiding by attempting to blend in with some cardboard cutouts in the lobby, but... you can kinda see him there.

Fun Fact: I was recently binge-watching “That’s So Raven” in preparation for the “Raven’s Home” spin-off, and I was so shocked to discover how many actors they recycled from Even Stevens. Beans, Cynthia Mills, The Asian radio announcer guy, the “Look Smart, Be Smart” instructional tape guy, Beans’ cousin Chris, Mr. Crappizi the school photographer -- the list goes on and on. And if that wasn’t enough... THEY EVEN RECYCLED THESE CARDBOARD CUT-OUTS!!!!!

I DIED LAUGHING AS SOON AS I SAW THIS. Oh my god. I obviously recognized it right away. All of this recycling makes sense though, as both shows were produced by Brookwell/McNamara. But, like... wow. Amazing. After the movie, Twitty and Tom try to make Louis feel better by telling him “You got into the festival, didn’t you?! And they only took the Top 10 entries!” Which would’ve been nice... except Louis explains “Everyone got accepted. There were only 9 entries.” HAHAHAHA. As Twitty and Tom head home, Tawny emerges from the theater and her mind is still reeling from the movie. She’s the only other person on the planet who understood the message Louis was trying to convey which is apparently “feeling like an outsider and wanting to be accepted by your peers.” Yeah, right.

I always thought it was a nice touch that Tawny wore a green shirt with eyes on it to the premiere of the movie. Definitely feels like a little tribute to Zenobia, lol.

This is really great though because it sets up Louis and Tawny again nicely. It further establishes that Tawny understands Louis better than anyone else. She got the point of his film when no one else did. She asks if they can watch it again and after they do, all we hear is a sultry voiceover of Tawny saying "I liked it even better the second time" - Oh, God. This always made me really uncomfortable lol. The episode ends with fake “bloopers” from the making of the movie and I can’t deal with it. Interestingly, I watched this episode on TV not too long ago and they cut out Tom's rapid-fire accented quote "Taco burrito, nacho's premio, $1.89 for a limited time, you know what I'm saying?" -- Is that considered offensive or racially insensitive now? I’m assuming. I have no idea but, I thought that was weird and suspicious.

And that’s it!

I love this episode. So, so much. There’s an aspect to it that is very ahead of its time. Like I mentioned, quality quotes are flying left and right in this one! The humor is ON POINT and the performances are stellar. Especially from Shia! I always say that this is one of the episodes where Louis is at his most ‘Michael Scott.’ There’s just this level of hilariously endearing narcissism that Michael exudes all throughout The Office’s run mixed with that signature dry humor and I get those vibes from Louis so strongly here. It makes me SO HAPPY. I mean, yeah, I usually don’t like it when Louis’ ugly side makes an appearance, but it’s beyond tolerable for me in this one because the plot is just so hysterical. As entertaining as Michael’s narcissism was, it also got him in a lot of trouble as well. Often resulting in very cringe-worthy moments or people resenting him, which we see happen to Louis here. Idk. I just love finding similarities between my favorite shows. This episode also reminds me of when Michael wrote and directed his own terrible movie “Threat Level Midnight.” HAHA.

I love Ren’s side story, too. It’s one of her stronger/funnier ones for sure. The miscommunication always gets me and the plot is also pretty important because we’re introduced to Bobby and Ruby! I’m ranking this one juuuuust shy of the Top 5 due to it having two separate plots. My Top 5 are all episodes that interweave A and B plots because I feel like Even Stevens just works better that way in general. But, still. That doesn’t take away from how solid this episode is. It literally meets all of my criteria: Personal favorite, quality plotline, quotable dialogue, hilarity, iconicness, overall entertainment value, and there’s even some character development too! So good.

Thanks for reading!!

Just so y’all know, I actually managed to get “Three Eyes Wide Shut” listed as a legitimate short film on IMDb. I am not kidding. Please feel free to leave a sarcastic review. It’s currently boasting a 6.0. LOL!

For this episode’s Redbubble design, you can get a reproduction of the Three Eyes Wide Shut theatrical poster!! Omg. This is one of the first things I designed and it’s been sitting in my Redbubble drafts for months. I’m so excited to publish it! haha. The poster can be seen on Louis’ bedroom wall throughout the series! I also made a little “A Louis Stevens Production” design (Comic Sans and poor capitalization and all) with Louis as the MGM Lion, lol.

Twitter | Facebook | Instagram | Redbubble

#rank #season 1 #even stevens #louis x tawny #louis and tawny #shia labeouf #louis stevens #ren stevens #tv review #disney channel #tom gribalski #alan twitty #tawny dean #bobby deaver #the office #michael scott #ruby mendel #ivan #that's so raven

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wittystiles · 7 years ago

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The Bluff || Part 7 || Mitch Rapp

Author: wittystiles

Word Count: 4k

Relationship: Mitch Rapp x Reader (one day)

Summary: Mitch and (Y/N) have a friendly outting.

A/N: Okay. So. I wrote chapter 6 and chapter 7 in one night. After drinking the night before and hardly sleeping. And while also sick. So. If this sucks, that’s terrible, and I can promise you, I can’t do better. My brain is oatmeal. This is the last chapter of this you will get until well into January of next year, so. Prepare for that. I hope this chapter was funny, and you enjoyed it. Merry Christmas, have some Mitch. (-:

(Y/N) shifted uncomfortably in the seat beside Mitch, watching through the plexiglass as the cab driver ran Mitch’s credit card. She couldn’t help but acknowledge that it wasn’t even really his, but rather that of someone named Mitch Kruse. She was wearing Mitch’s grey sweatpants that he reserved for sleeping, and one of his baggy black t-shirts underneath a slightly darker shade of black hooded zip-up jacket. She felt both exposed and too covered at the same time.

Accepting his credit card back from the cab driver, Mitch spoke in French giving the man what (Y/N) could only assume was a thank you. Mitch stuffed the card into his leather wallet, stepping from the cab. He held one hand out to (Y/N), helping her from the cab, as he stuffed his wallet into his back pocket with his other. He looked her over, sighing heavily at her. She looked like a child being forced to wear their dads clothes because they had gotten theirs dirty playing in the dirt. “You’ll have your own clothes to wear soon, (Y/N).” Mitch promised, not dropping her hand.

“Do we really have to do this?” (Y/N) asked, looking from the large store in front of her to Mitch at her side. He gave her a nod, taking a few steps towards the store. She pulled her hand from his, remaining in her spot. Mitch turned to face her, narrowing his eyes a little.

“Let’s go, (Y/N).” “I don’t want to go shopping, and I certainly don’t want to have to hold your cold hand.” “My hand isn’t cold.” Mitch argued, resting his fingers against his cheek. /Not cold/, he thought. “(Y/N). Please. I don’t have any patience for this, can we please just go into the store. It’s cold out here, and you have my jacket.”

“Who’s fault is that?” (Y/N) grumbled, holding her hand out for Mitch to take. He did, lacing his fingers with hers.

The two walked hand in hand into the store, Mitch looking quickly at the directory sign. “Womens is up the escalator.” He indicated towards the escalator with his free hand, keeping (Y/N)s tight in his other. The two walked to the escalator, (Y/N) stepping onto the one before Mitch, turning to look down at him as the escalator climbed.

“Do we really need to pose as a couple?” (Y/N) wondered, leaning her back against the railing.

“Yes. If you don’t want the two of us to be given weird looks and asked odd questions in a language you don’t understand. Yes, we do. Besides, still just following orders.” Mitch supplied, giving (Y/N) a fake smile.

“Orders from /who/?” (Y/N) groaned, throwing her head back dramatically. “This all knowing, all important boss of yours, Stan? The one who calls you randomly and tells you what to do. Which, of course you oblige to. Because you’re a dutiful little lap dog?”

Mitch sighed and tugged on her hand, making her nearly fall, catching her before she did. “Don’t call me a lap dog.” Mitch warned, making sure she was steady again before removing his hand from her waist. “I do what I’m told because he’s my boss, (Y/N). No other reason. Now. Slap on a fake smile and we’ll get this shopping over with and we can return to the hotel room where you can be horrible to me without the eyes of strangers on us.”

(Y/N) almost laughed at that. At how little Mitch knew about the privacy he didn’t actually have.

“I would never date you,” (Y/N) said under her breath, stepping off of the escalator right before Mitch.

Mitch pretended not to hear her comment, knowing she was lying because she was mad at him. Not that he cared, oh no. Mitch would never be concerned with whether or not (Y/N) would want to date him. It’s not like I would date you either, Mitch thought to himself as he followed behind her.

“I don’t know why you’re upset.” Mitch acknowledged, stopping when she did. “You’re getting clothes. Something you’ve been complaining about since -” he cleared his throat to stop his sentence. He worried about letting others know he rescued her, and was glad she caught on.

“I am not upset because I am getting clothes, Mitch. I’m upset because I’m cold, and I’m hungry since someone ruined breakfast.”

“You ruined breakfast.”

(Y/N) shrugged, “semantics.”

Mitch loosely held (Y/N)’s hand, watching her peruse the underwear that was carefully displayed in neat rows. “How much are you willing to spend on me?”

Mitch shrugged, pulling his phone out of his pocket, “it’s not my money (Y/N). I don’t care how much you blow.”

“I will not say something about that. I will not. No, (Y/N).” She shook her head, returning her attention to underwear. Mitch raised his eyes to look at her as she spoke to herself, deciding to just leave it alone.

The two stood in front of the underwear for a moment, Mitch engrossed in reading a report on his phone about activity near their hotel, (Y/N) trying to decide the best underwear to get. “What about these?” She asked, holding up a black cotton thong with lace accents on the waistband.

Mitch sighed, “I couldn't care less about what underwear you choose (Y/N). Please don’t ask me to be a consultant.”

(Y/N)’s lips curled in the corners, “as my boyfriend I would expect you to care. You should put your phone away honey and show some interest in your girlfriend lest she go ask another man’s opinion.”

“Does it cover your ass?” Mitch questioned, keeping his eyes on the screen in his hand, his other gripping hers tighter.

“Not really.” (Y/N) acknowledged, spinning the underwear around her index finger.

“Then don’t get them.”

“Why?” (Y/N) pouted her bottom lip out a little. Mitch sighed, finally raising his eyes to meet hers. They soon lowered to her lips and finally to the thong revolving around in the air. “(Y/N). Please stop spinning those panties around.”

“Please give me your attention.” “I am.”

(Y/N) sighed, handing him the underwear. “Let me find a few more pairs. I guess I’ve /got/ to go with thongs since you want me to get something that doesn’t cover my ass.”

Mitch let out a heavy sigh, dropping the underwear back onto the display before shoving his phone into his pocket. “I believe I recommended you getting ones that /did/ cover your ass.”

“I figured you were playing reverse psychology or something on me.”

“If I were doing that I would tell you not to get any underwear at all.”

“Why?” “So you would just to spite me.”

(Y/N) smirked, “that’s fair.”

He picked the pair she had picked out back up, holding them while she continued looking. She found another two pair, offering them to him to hold while she found a fourth. “Five pairs should do, right?”

“Double it, for safe measure. Always be over prepared.”

“Oh, like you aren’t?”

“I didn’t expect to have another person in my clothes, (Y/N). And I didn’t expect to be in Paris this long.”

“Always expect the unexpected, Mitch.”

He closed his eyes so as to not roll them at her before smacking her across the face with the four pairs of underwear he held in his hand. “Always expect the unexpected.”

(Y/N) snatched the underwear from Mitch’s hand, giving him a stern glare. “Do not ever hit me in the face with my own underwear ever again.” “They aren’t yours yet,” Mitch pointed out, scratching at the uneven growth of hair along his jawline and up halfway on his left cheek. “You’ve got to pay for them first. Then they will be yours.”

She picked up a final pair of underwear, checking that she had ten. “Can I get a bra?”

“Do you need one?”

(Y/N) looked down at her ample chest that was hidden underneath the clothing she wore. “Yes, Mitch. I think I need a bra.” She noticed a woman approaching them, offering them both a warm smile. (Y/N) groaned, “we’ve got company.” “Yes, (Y/N), I have eyes.”

(Y/N) elbowed Mitch in the side and he quickly twisted their hands, moving her wrist to an uncomfortable position causing her to yelp audibly. She turned her body slightly towards him, giving him a look that pleaded he stop holding her wrist that way. He obliged a beat before the woman reached the two of them, greeting them in French.

(Y/N) beat Mitch in responding, saying a cheery “hello” to her in English.

The womans face dropped for a millisecond, only Mitch catching it, before she launched into accented English. “Hello! What are you two looking for today?”

“Well,” (Y/N) sighed looking at Mitch. “My darlin’ here is looking to buy me a bra.” She smiled, feigning an accent of her own. Something that sounded nearly southern, but had too much of a boston twang to it to be solely that. Mitch wondered how long he could bear to listen to her speak like that before he broke her neck.

“Ah, wonderful. Our bras are right this way.” The woman smiled, noticing the underwear in (Y/N)’s hand. “One moment. I will get you a bag.” The woman bound off, and Mitch groaned.

“Don’t talk like that anymore, (Y/N). It is already wearing on my last nerve and you’ve said one sentence.”

(Y/N) rolled her eyes, “you wanted me to act like your girlfriend, right? I feel like this is how your girlfriend would talk.” (Y/N) felt a wave of deja vu wash over her. How much acting would she really have to do in the time she would be around Mitch?

The woman returned with a small bag which (Y/N) stuffed the underwear into. “If you would please,” the woman indicated for (Y/N) and Mitch to follow her, which they did.

“Here are all of our bras,” the woman said with a smile, indicating the bra selection before them. “There’s a lot of A’s and B’s here,” the woman gestured to a selection of bras. “And the larger cup sizes are here.” She motioned to another section. "I'm sorry there's not much, but... To us, more than a handful is wasteful." She smile had a slightly superior air to it now as she looked down her nose at (Y/N)'s chest, which refused to be hidden by the baggy clothes. (Y/N) smiled and moved her hand from Mitch's grip in order to take his wrist in her hold. (Y/N) lifted their joined hands, holding his wrist while unlacing their fingers. She moved his hand via his wrist to her chest, having him cup her left breast. Mitch’s eyes instantly widened, fingers moving to cup her breast in his palm instinctively, noticing absently that she was cold. (Y/N) smirked as she jumped into her hodge podge of an accent. "I'm lucky that my sweetie here has big hands then. It fits just fine.” (Y/N)’s lips spread into a sickeningly sweet smile as she released Mitch’s wrist. His hand fell from her breast, finding her hand again. His fingers locked with hers, squeezing hard. (Y/N) was impressed with her ability to suppress her whimper. “I think we’ve got it from here, sugar. Thank you! If we need you again, we’ll find you.”

The woman looked briefly disappointed before nodding, leaving the fake couple to look at bras together. “Shouldn’t you walk away now too, Mitch?” (Y/N) wondered, reaching out to pick a bra in a soft pink color.

“You know, you’re wearing my jacket but somehow I think it’s still a bit nippy in here, (Y/N).”

(Y/N) stuck her tongue between her lips, biting down on it to keep from laughing. “Was that a pun, Mitch?”

Mitch shook his head, “no. Why would it be a pun, (Y/N)? Oh! Are you saying I would know the state of your nipple? I mean, it wasn’t just forced against my palm, was it?” Mitch sighed, “wait. No. It was.” He shook his head, taking a deep breath. “To address your earlier question, (Y/N), no. I shouldn’t walk away. Unfortunately for the both of us, I have to be glued to you. I would dramatically glue our hands together, however I don’t think that would be good for either of us. I’ve heard super glue is a real bitch to get off of the skin.”

“Not really,” (Y/N) shrugged. “I used to get super glue on my fingers all of the time when I was younger and putting an acrylic back on that had popped off due to my own stupidity. It was a simple removal process. Just took patience.”

“(Y/N),” Mitch looked down at their joined hands. “I have no patience, especially where you are concerned. To think I would have to endure the slow and arduous process of removing our glued together hands, that would be worse torture than I have ever seen.”

(Y/N) furrowed her brows, looking to him. “Where the hell did you learn the word arduous?”

“I have a basic level of education, (Y/N). I’m so glad that my word choice can shock you that much, however.”

(Y/N) groaned, “do you always have to talk like you’re addressing a college professor, Mitch? You can talk to me like a normal person.”

“I’m not your friend though, (Y/N). I am your protector. I talk to my /friends/ like I would talk to a ‘normal person’. I talk to people I’m being forced to protect because my boss is some sadistic prick who is out for my head like I’m talking to a college professor. Sorry.”

(Y/N) shrugged, “I think we should be friends, Mitch. You have touched my tit now. Twice.”

“Don’t call your breasts tits, please, (Y/N).”

“Why?”

“I asked you nicely.”

(Y/N) rolled her eyes, “fine. You have touched my bossooms twice now, Mitch. I feel it would be nice if I could consider us friends. Even more so because you’re sworn to protect me. And I feel like you’re the type to want to protect friends.”

“If I agree to us being friends, will you drop the subject?”

“Will you talk to me like I am not a professor?”

“Sure.” “Then yes,” (Y/N) said with a smile on her face.

Mitch watched her find a bra, the conversation involving her bosom and his dialect seemingly forgotten. “I’ve noticed something about you, (Y/N).” Mitch started, following her towards another section of the store. “You say things to make me uncomfortable a lot. Like talking about your chest, and you’re kind of crass.”

“Yeah? I’ve been with you three days, Mitch. You’re slow on the uptake.”

“I wasn’t finished,” Mitch rolled his eyes. “I’ve noticed you do this because you are in no way as confident as you’re trying to convince me you are. It’s apparent, through everything you’ve done and said, that you don’t feel any confidence in yourself right now. Which, is understandable. You were abducted and restrained and held for however long. I wouldn’t have any confidence in myself if I were you either.”

“Gee! When did you get your psychologist patch in the boy scouts, Mitch?” (Y/N) wondered, looking through some of the shirts on the rack she had stopped at, her hand still firmly in Mitch’s.

Mitch shook his head when she stopped on a mustard yellow shirt, and she kept searching. “See. You did it again, just now. You use your words to hide behind, (Y/N). You think if you sound snarky enough, or crass enough, or hell. Even maybe mean enough, I’ll buy this act you’re peddling.”

(Y/N)’s heart began speeding up. Her cheeks feeling warmer, but her face unwavering. /He could not possibly know your secret/, she reminded herself.

Mitch continued, “you’re scared. And you don’t want me to know that.” Mitch sighed, using her hand to force her to turn and face him. “You don’t have to be scared anymore, (Y/N). Like I think I’ve said before. I’m not going to let anything happen to you.”

(Y/N) gave him a genuine smile, “thank you Mitch.”

He nodded, not bothering to return her smile. “I really do want you to hurry up though.” Mitch urged, watching her continue to peruse the shirt selection.

“Fine. I’ll try to hurry.” (Y/N) promised, beginning to look faster through the clothes. “You know. If I had two hands, this process would be a lot easier for me.” (Y/N) promised, indicating she wanted her hand free of Mitch’s with a slight tug away from him.

“You can have your hand,” Mitch said, releasing her fingers from his. “But if you try to run, so help me God, I will systematically break every bone in your right leg starting at the hip and working all of the way down to the last bone in your foot.”

(Y/N) stared at him with wide eyes, “Jesus. Calm down, Mitch. I’m not going to run. Why only one leg, though? Why not both?” (Y/N) wondered as she shook her head, turning back to face the shirts. She began plucking a few off of the rack, holding them out to Mitch.

“Bones are hard to break, (Y/N). That’s why they’re called bones. Not to mention, only breaking one leg would be a larger inconvenience to you than both. If you had both broken, you could use a wheelchair. With only one, you’d be given crutches. It would be a torture that lasted.” He took another shirt she offered him. “Am I your servant?” Mitch inquired, draping the shirts over his arm.

(Y/N) nodded, “sure. Now don’t drop them, now. I don’t want them getting dirty,” she teased.

(Y/N) watched Mitch unlock the door to the hotel room, her hand tired from having to hold the bags for so long. “You did that on purpose, didn’t you? You know I can only use my good arm to hold the bags, Mitch. I feel like my arm is going to fall out.”

“How does an arm fall out, (Y/N)?” Mitch wondered, holding the door open for her to walk into the hotel room.

“Off, Mitch. I meant off. God, you give me a migraine.”

“I’m happy to hear it.” Mitch responded while locking the door behind the two of them, tapping on his cell phone. “You should go shower.”

“You should change the bandage on my shoulder.” (Y/N) replied, dropping the bag of her clothes to the floor, wriggling her toes in the warm white hotel slippers she had had to adorn for the shopping trip. “And thank you for getting me clothes.”

“You’re welcome.”

Mitch walked past her into the bedroom, finding the first aid kit he’d used prior to stich her shoulder injury. “Come in here,” Mitch called, taking a seat on the edge of the bed. (Y/N) walked in and sat down next to Mitch, taking his jacket off of her shoulders, tossing it to his duffle bag at the foot of the bed. She then removed the shirt she wore, showing off the black bra she had purchased earlier at the store with Mitch. “Thanks for bein’ my nurse.”

Mitch shrugged, “I have quite literally no other choice.” “You’re welcome, (Y/N).” She said in a deep voice, mocking his. Mitch rolled his eyes at her, carefully removing the gauze from her shoulder, setting it down on the bed to be discarded later. “It’s healing.” Mitch acknowledged, leaning forward to see her wound up close. It was less inflamed than it had been previously, the edges looking less red.

(Y/N) nodded, “that’s what things tend to do. I’m glad my body is doing it’s only job. Healing like it is supposed to.”

Mitch took a cotton swab, dipping it into the bottle of hydrogen peroxide that he’d retrieved from the first aid kit. Carefully, and trying to avoid hurting her, he used the cotton swab to clean around the wound, ignoring her hiss of pain when he prodded the wound too hard. “You’re alright.” He said in his best soothing tone, trying to clean her wound quicker than before.

“Hold this here, please,” Mitch placed a swatch of gauze over her shoulder wound, waiting for her to hold it in place before tearing a few pieces of tape off of the roll. “Thank you.” He placed a piece of tape on each of the four sides of the gauze, smoothing it down gently with his first two fingers. “There. All gauzed up.”

(Y/N) smiled, “thank you. I’m gonna get dressed now, give you your clothes back finally.” She stood from the bed and shimmied out of the sweats she had borrowed from Mitch, folding them.

“(Y/N),” Mitch sighed, breathing heavily. “You’re uh,” he shook his head, lowering his eyes to his knees. “Do you have any idea what you’re wearing, or, rather what you aren’t wearing?”

“I’m getting dressed now, Mitch!” (Y/N) whined, leaving the bedroom to collect the bags of her clothes from the living room. She brought the bags into the bedroom, setting them down on the bed.

“(Y/N). You’re not wearing underwear.” Mitch pointed out, standing from the bed. “It’d be wonderful if you put some on.”

(Y/N)’s cheeks flushed and she dug frantically in the bags on the bed trying to find a pair of underwear to pull on. Once she did she tugged them on, breathing a sigh of relief. “Okay, okay. I’m wearing underwear now. You’re safe to look.”

“Are you wearing clothes yet?”

(Y/N) shook her head, “no?”

“Then I’ll be in the living room.”

(Y/N) watched Mitch walk out, her hands on her hips and her lip in a pout. “Fine, then. Go hide your boner in the other room.” (Y/N) huffed, turning her attention back to the bags to find clothes.

“Don’t flatter yourself into thinking you could /ever/ give me a boner, (Y/N).”

(Y/N) laughed, “don’t flatter yourself into thinking I care.”

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wonderfulworldofmichaelford · 7 years ago

Text

100 Years review

Today I have a very special review, a review no one could have ever seen coming. You could even say that this review is ahead of its time… this is a review of a movie that, technically, should not be out for another hundred years. I am, of course, talking about the Robert Rodriguez film that is written by and stars John Malkovich, 100 Years. It is a film made with the help of Louis XIII Cognac, and the film’s creation was inspired by the hundred years it takes to make a bottle of said cognac. The film was locked in a vault and kept behind bulletproof glass, and said vault would only open on the day of the film’s premier in 2115. Very few alive could ever hope to see this film…

UNTIL TODAY!

You see, an anonymous leaker who was part of the filmmaking process uploaded the film to a file sharing website, and after watching it, I simply have to give my opinion on this movie. 100 years from now people will look back at this review and say “Oh man, Michael Ford totally called this. Why didn’t we listen to him?” And my descendant who will be running this blog and posting movie reviews, or maybe it will still be me as a supercomputer cyborg uploading movie reviews via my mind, will laugh. A link to the film will be provided at the end, but I may have to delete the link in the near future.

The plot is actually hinted at in the teaser trailers, which shows three very different futures that could come about, from a utopian society to a dystopian wasteland. The plot is very hard to explain without seeing it for yourself, but it concerns three separate timelines and the main character, played by John Malkovich, and his attempts to unify the timeline to create an entirely perfect world. It’s sort of like Southland Tales, but it makes marginally more sense. Can Malkovich do it, or is he going to end up destroying the universe?

Now, I have to say that Robert Rodriguez can be a good director when he sets his mind to it, and he mas made tons of great films, such as the Machete and Spy Kids movies and Desperado and Sin City. Those films all had unique visual styles, you could easily identify those films… this one though, ooh boy. I think it was pretty ambitious to try so many different kinds of styles, but I think it makes the film tonally all over the place. The use of Smell-O-Vision in particular is pretty egregious, as I did not have the scratch and sniff cards they’ll surely hand out at the theaters when this comes out, robbing me of the experience. The flash animation they used for some of the 2nd future sequences was also pretty awkward, and it seems for that section they got the audio director for Johnny Test in, because every single movement is followed by a whipcrack, including John Malkovich’s flopping penis. Oh yes, we’ll get to that shortly. Also, I have to say that the jungle sequence was rather lackluster, especially since all the monkeys in it were stock CGI images. Still though, there were SOME good sequences with good visual style. I think it was a rather bold and artsy move to have the end credits play over a black and white unsimulated bukkake involving the film’s entire cast and crew nutting all over the lead actress, who plays John Malkovich’s love interest (I’m leaving the name anonymous, if you want to know who it is, I will link the movie file at the end, but I’m sure this actress who has starred in such films as The Hunger Games and X-Men: First Class would not like this information getting out in her lifetime). I also particularly liked the scene which was animated like a comic book where John Malkovich used his prehensile armpit hair he got from a genetic modification serum to strangle a mutant camel, which was shot much like it was in comic book panels; this worked a lot better than it did in Ang Lee’s Hulk movie.

Still though, Malkovich’s performance is rather unconventional, to say the least. The fact he wrote his character to have a thirteen inch penis is rather telling of what the character will be like, and sadly, he remains pantsless for much of the movie. I believe this may be an homage to Marlon Brando refusing to wear pants on the set of Apocalypse Now… or was it The Godfather? Honestly, I’d believe it if someone told me Brando NEVER wore pants on set. Seems like something he’d do. Anyway, even if it is an homage, it is very odd and oblique one, and it does nothing to change the fact that John Malkovich really needs to do some manscaping. Guy has more bush than the White House in the early 2000s. I guess his character is okay and heroic, and Malkovich does a decent job, but his bizarre writing is really hard to describe. It’s like if David Lynch wrote Southland Tales after ingesting a dozen pixie sticks. It’s just… awkward.

The amount of camel-riding scenes is also absurd. There are at least twenty scenes in which characters ride camels, including a rather egregious scene where they ride camels through several movies, including Troll 2, Gigli, and Spy Kids 3D: Game Over. This last one is the only one portrayed in a positive light, and it even features a cameo from a CGI hologram tapdancing Ricardo Montalban, which I found exceedingly tasteless and rather jarring. The appearance of a hologram William Shatner to beat down the hologram Montalban while reciting the entire script of the second Star Trek film in reverse on fast forward was also rather unsettling. Though perhaps nothing is as unsettling as the villain of the film: a giant plastic statue of Iggy Azalea that randomly quotes passages of scripture with the words out of order and who farts dolphins. Her goal is to flood the universe with poorly rendered pictures of bagels, overthrow the government of every nation on Earth, and end all life as we know it. Much like the real life Azalea, this villain has no idea what she’s doing half the time, and mostly exists to look disturbing.

Really, I could go on forever, but I won’t. This film is an utterly, hilariously incoherent mess. I frankly don’t understand why Rodriguez and Malkovich thought this was a good film to seal away for future generations; we’re already leaving the world in a shitty enough state for the future, do we really need to leave behind our shitty movies too? This film is crap, but there are moments of brilliance and there is a tacky, trashy hilarity to it. Really, I recommend going to this link and watching it for yourself; I guarantee you’ll enjoy yourself at least a little.

#Review #Movie review #100 Years #Robert Rodriguez #John Malkovich #Sci-fi #comedy #horror #art #art film #time capsule #Louis XIII Cognac

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