#I hit breaking point yesterday but now I'm finding out it's possible to break even beyond breaking point

[genericpuff]

Hi! Maybe this is a difficult question with no answer, but as a fan of Rekindled who might want to start their own comic, what do you suggest to avoid burnout? Do you start wiht writting the script right away, you doodle a bit,..? Thanks for reading, I love how you draw big noses, makes me more comfy with mine!

no fr my dark secret is that i've been experiencing burnout with my main original project that I've spent the last decade working on for literally a year now. this isn't the first long hiatus i've taken, the longest one i've ever been on has lasted two years, and it's undoubtedly not the last i'll experience because the lump of salt and fat and tissue that is my brain often overworks itself into exhaustion like a big dummy

rekindled has been my reprieve from the burnout. it has been my vacation from years of working on the same project, meeting the same deadlines, drawing the same characters, over and over and over again since before i was in college.

if there's anything working on rekindled has made clear to me, it's that i'm still capable of drawing comics. the comic-making isn't the problem. it's just that when you work on the same project for years and trap yourself in an uphill battle, eventually your climbing gear is bound to break.

if there's another thing that rekindled has opened my eyes to, it's the insanity that i put myself through prior to rekindled that led to my burnout in the first place.

i get people telling me that they couldn't imagine doing what i do, that even before i had my assistant helping me out, i was still able to put out 30-40 panel updates every week.

but before that, i was putting out 70-90 panel episodes of my original work. every week. full color. full spread action scenes. no assistant. very little financial gain aside from a couple patrons on patreon and one dedicated viewer on twitch, which i was also streaming on 2-3 times a week.

and now that i've been working on rekindled and even finding myself often crunched for time with that, i have zero clue, no idea, a complete lack of comprehension of how i pulled off 70-90 panels a week for months on end. there's a reason it resulted in burnout and i know that now. this comparison is not for the sake of a flex - this comparison is to make it clear that much of what i do isn't the norm and isn't exactly a healthy standard. case in point, i sneezed while sweeping up yesterday morning and it caused a muscle strain in my lower back/hips and i've been working out of my bed since, i'm in a lot of pain and it might mean i don't make any money this week if it's not better by the time i have to do my appointments at my day job on thursday. my need to create my personal passion projects is often at odds with my bad habits of not taking care of myself 。゜゜(´Ｏ`) ゜゜。

when it comes to tackling burnout, your guess is as good as mine. really it just comes down to rest. when burnout - real, true burnout - hits, it's not just "man i'm bored of working on this", it's "i can't even think of looking at this thing let alone working on it", it's basically akin to depression and it's an awful thing that i wouldn't even wish on my worst enemy (even with Rachel, I don't want to psychoanalyze her mental health but it does seem like she's possibly been experiencing burnout with LO for years now and that really sucks for her if that's true). so the solution is just as complicated as the cause, it's not something that you can just rest from for a week and come back from, it takes real long-term healing.

when I found my way out of that 2 year hiatus, it was in spring of 2019 and I decided to just work on a random comic page that wasn't even in the comic I was working on. and then suddenly it was like a switch flicked back into the on position and i didn't even finish what i was working on, i just went back to my original project and i kept working on it until it was finally finished at the end of 2021. as suddenly and randomly as it had set in, it was gone. but i can't just do the same thing this time, it just doesn't work that way.

that said, through all this, i've learned that my need to create is not restricted to any one tangible thing, i'm not doomed or designed to stick with the same words, the same faces, the same ideas until the end of time. while i do try to keep up healthy routines for myself to ensure i'm looking out for my future self and their deadlines and their upload schedules, sometimes the heart wants what the heart wants. and in my case, the heart wanted to take a break from the self-reflective psychological analysis dark fantasy weebo stuff and just draw some pink and blue characters a little less ugly. the self-reflective weebo shit will still be there when i'm done with the pink and blue stuff, and i'll surely have loads of new things to unpack through it once i return.

there are still times when i'm working on rekindled and i'm feeling the creeping hand of my routine destruction digging its claws into my back. the reality is that 30-40 panels is still a lot for someone like myself who's doing this entirely for free, but my definition of normal for a while was so insanely inhumane that even what's still considered a lot by most people's standards feels sane and normal to me after what i put myself through.

i've learned to be more gentle with myself, and to loosen my own expectations of what i'm capable of to ensure i don't do anything like that to myself, by myself, again. i give myself room to create without expectations or the pressure of eyes watching when i can, and i remind myself that even if burnout rears its head again, and again, and again, the will to create is not gone. it's just tired, and resting, and growing, and healing as i am.

anyways that turned into a self-reflective essay post, to answer your question about making stuff ahead of time, i find that's more helpful with just like, planning out a structured story (so you don't write yourself into a corner) but whether or not it helps with burnout kind of depends. because it can just as also easily be the cause of the problem because constantly seeing the stuff you wanna be drawing so far away can be just as much of a morale killer as a motivator. some of the stuff i'm super psyched to write and draw with time gate is years away and that timeline grows longer the more the burnout goes on which makes the struggle feel even more overwhelming and pointless and defeating. so plan ahead, but keep it all within your means if you can. i find what works for me is planning out just general beat-to-beat plot structures (to ensure i at least have a plot skeleton going on so i know where i'm going) then i leave the finer details to when the actual episode i've planned gets closer to fruition and i can get myself in the headspace to write it fully.

also remember that just because you're really excited and motivated to work on your comic doesn't mean you should work yourself into exhaustion - it's a good thing if you're going through the mundane of your daily routine and the whole time you're hyped af to work on your hobby/personal project/etc. because that's what will keep you moving forward, so don't spend all that hype in one place by working and working and working until you're exhausted, because that hype is REALLY hard to get back after you've spent it all.

long post over! hope that helps! best of luck in your projects! ( ´ ∀ `)ノ～ ♡

[clu-ven]

It's the Thought that Counts

It’s my birthday and I thought what better way to celebrate than a small fic with Fives!  (Apologies in advance, this isn’t proof read. Also! I'm v new to this and currently working on making a masterlist so pls bear with me lol)

Summary: Fives takes on the brutal task of trying to cook pancakes 

Tags: surprises gone wrong, fluff, minor burns, many kisses, suggestive but nothing nsfw

Word Count: 1.2k

For once, you take your time waking up. There’s no need to rush, no battle you need to hurry off to (both literally and metaphorically). Right now, there’s only one thing you need to do and that’s relax. 

As your eyes flutter open, you’re greeted by a gentle stream of the morning sun flowing in through the window. Although you have yet to check your clock, it feels too early to get up.

Shutting your eyes, you nuzzle into your pillow, stretching your arms across the soft bed sheets. You mindlessly search for your best source of warmth, assuming he’d still be fast asleep next to you. 

Even though Fives is used to getting up at the break of dawn most rotations, he tends to sleep-in whenever he gets the opportunity, which is usually when he stays over at your place, preferring to relish in your softness than get out of bed. 

But today is different. Running your hand along the bed, you find no one there. Maybe it’s later than you thought. You know Fives could only stay for a while, needing to get back to base at some point in the morning. Maybe he didn’t want to disturb your sleep and quietly left. A disappointed sigh falls from your lips, already missing his company and yearning for his touch. 

You want to bury your face in your pillow, not ready to deal with the day… but then it hits you, a smell finally reaching your nose and making you instinctively scrunch up your face. It’s an intense burning smell, causing your body to wake up immediately as panic surges through you. Any hope of falling back to sleep quickly fades away as you go on high alert. 

Jumping out of your bed, you don’t waste any time in putting on some actual clothes, stumbling across the room and down the hall in nothing but your underwear and a loose fitted t-shirt you carelessly threw on the night before.

Endless possibilities race through your mind. Did Fives decide to make himself a quick breakfast but forget to turn off the stove? Did you leave it on yesterday? Oh kriff, has the stove been on all night? Expecting to see a blazing fire, you crash into the room. 

Standing in the middle of the kitchen, Fives mutters a curse under his breath as he runs one of his fingers under water. Beside him, what looks like a charred pancake is stiffly poking out the top of a pan. A light haze of smoke envelops the kitchen, slowly drifting up towards the ceiling.

“Fives?” the words stumble out of your mouth, a mix of confusion and shock taking over.

Glancing behind his shoulder at you, Fives flashes you a forced smile. “You’re up!” he exclaims, gritting his teeth together “Great timing”.

Pulling your attention away from the cremated pancake and cloud of smoke, you focus on him. “What happened? Is your finger ok? You move deeper into the room, rushing to his side.

Without thinking, you take his hand in yours, the cool water running over your skin as you pull his finger closer to you. Fives sharply inhales as you remove his hand from the water, his finger beginning to throb again. 

“It looks worse than it is” he tries to assure you, though the bright red mark along his finger tells you differently. 

“Are you ok?” you know it’s a dumb question but you ask it anyway, worry gnawing at your stomach..

Fives nods his head, shrugging off the injury “I am, it’s just a small burn, nothing to worry about”.

“I think I have some small bacta patches around here somewhere,” you think aloud,  tentatively holding his hand in yours and inspecting his burn “hmm, it doesn't look like a third degree burn, it should heal in a few days if you don’t overwork yourself”.

Thankfully it isn’t a serious injury but it's definitely enough to give you a fright. Beginning to relax, Fives jokes “If you think this looks bad, you should see the other guy”.

Looking up at him, you raise an eyebrow “And the other guy is… a pancake?”.

He sighs at the reminder of the food, a look of defeat crossing your lover’s face. “I wanted to surprise you before I left,” he explains “and I thought it would be easy to make but I think the pancake’s won this round”. 

Letting his hand fall gently from your grasp and to his side, you bring both of your hands up to cup his face. “And it is a surprise – a good one!” you quickly add that last part, wanting to reassure Fives in any way possible. 

A small smile tugs at his lips but Fives glances over at his horrible attempt of a pancake and disappointment clouds his face once more. “Hey,” you say softly, quickly pressing your lips to his before pulling away to look at him again “it’s the thought that counts”.

You can see the love in his eyes, his adoration for both you and the endless amount of patience you have with him. Pulling you close, Fives wraps his arms around your waist and gives you a small peck on the lips before trailing kisses along your face and up to your ear. 

You giggle at the sensation, letting out a soft moan when he nips at your ear. “You sure you don’t want to try it anyways?” he asks, removing one of his arms from you and picking up the pan. You get a waft of the burnt food as Fives brings the pan closer, inspecting the catastrophe he somehow created.

“I mean, it might be edible,” he doesn’t sound very convincing “maybe it’s just well done”. With your arms around him, you bury your head in by his chest and laugh. “Yeah why don’t you bring it with you? I’m sure the General would love to have it for lunch” you call his bluff.

Fives rolls his eyes “Pretty sure they’d court martial me if I did… or they’d at least put me on sanitation for a month”.

“And you’d be the hottest ARC Trooper on sanitation” you say with a teasing smile, moving your head to peer up at him.

Fives chuckles, the vibrations warm against you. “I would be the only ARC Trooper on sanitation” he corrects you.

Placing the pan back down, his stomach grumbles, reminding you of your own need for food. “You want to try another round?” you ask, reluctantly pulling away from him and moving to the sloppy bowl of pancake batter on the kitchen counter.

You hear a low groan and Fives is quick to follow after you, his body pressing yours against the counter. Dropping his head to your shoulder, he kisses it before asking “Here or the bedroom?”.

Trying to contain a laugh, you clarify “I meant do you want to try another round of pancakes”. You can feel his body slump “Oh”.

“But…” you trail off just to tease him “if you don’t burn the next batch of pancakes then maybe you’ll get a reward”. 

“Oh!” He repeats but the quick change of tone as he practically stands to attention tells you exactly how he feels about this offer. “Well then I better get cooking,” although Fives pulls away from you, he keeps one hand on your body, gently holding you as he moves back to the stove “especially since I suddenly got this new wave of motivation”. He gives the plush of your hip a squeeze before letting go, shooting you a wink. 

You roll your eyes but you can’t hide the broad smile on your face “Get cooking, trooper”.

[quinloki]

A Light Touch

Fem Reader x Eustass Kid

CW: language, assault, violence, sexual themes and situations, implications of non-con, loss of limbs, blood. 18+ Only.

Chapter 1 - Table of Consent -

Chapter 19: The Crisis

Emma and Hip nearly squeezed the life out of you, one after the other, as you entered back into the house.

"You came back!" Emma cries, squishing you against her chest.

"You would not have looked good in pink." Hip says, hugging you and Emma at the same time.

"I don't think they have uniforms like that, Hip." Killer says, pulling the two ladies off you. "Let her breathe you two." He looks down at you for a moment before a smile crosses his face. "Welcome back (Y/N). Did he pull you clean out of the limo himself, or did he show restraint?"

"I wouldn't be surprised if he had just tossed the limo." Wire adds flatly.

"Eh?" You looked up at Killer questioningly before turning to Kid. "Were you watching the whole time?"

"Don't listen to them, Mouse." Kid says, ruffling your hair enough it pushes your head down and turns your gaze away from his face. "Let's get her up to speed."

"Does that include telling her about the plans to raid Doflamingo's castle?" Heat asks with a crooked smile.

Kid's fist clenched so fast you could hear the metal crashing into itself. He growls, but it stops when you start laughing.

"Pfft- hahaha, I don't know why, but when you called it a castle I could only picture 'Sorry Kid, but your Mouse is in another castle'. Like that one old video game." You look up to see Eustass frowning, but despite his efforts to look angry his ears were red. "Sorry, sorry." Another errant laugh escapes you and you cover your face. "What am I being brought up to speed on?" You say, desperately trying to distract yourself before you collapse into giggle fits.

"We've found a way to find Decken." House says, coming over and hugging you as well. "We've had a way to find him, but the sporadic attacks only told us his location was changing. So we couldn't nail him down."

"Without Doflamingo harassing him, we can pin him down easier." Killer says.

You frown. "That asshole!" You growl. You were getting legitimately angry. "That fluffy pink bastard said not finding Decken was proof that Kid wasn't doing enough to protect me, and it was HIS FAULT YOU COULDN'T FIND HIM!"

You reached out as though you meant to strangle the air. "That cocky bastard!"

"... I think that's the first time I've seen you get angry." Kid says, his brows raised in amusement. "It's kind of adorable."

"I'm not adorable, I'm mad!" You insist, stomping your foot.

"Give 'er a break, cap'n," Emma says, trying not to laugh.

"Yeah, it's as fierce as a mascot can get!" Hip adds and the entire crew breaks into laughter. You're pretty sure you can even hear Killer breaking from behind the hands over his mouth.

"You're all terrible." You grumble, not that anyone can hear you over all the laughing. After a moment you manage to smile as well and the whole room comes back under control.

By the end of the day, you had been brought up to speed with what had happened without you yesterday.

It had been determined before now that the direction the items from Decken traveled was as direct an arc as possible. The items would change course if you moved, but as long as you walked toward them, they wouldn't shift, they'd just arch downward faster.

If they hit something between their starting point and destination, they would cease to move. 'Something' being things more dense than air and water and less dense than wood, concrete, and metal. At least that was what they'd been able to sort out so far.

This meant that Decken was tossing these items as high up into the air as he could, so they cleared buildings and made their way to your location. There were some summits in the Metro he could be utilizing, but while he had been dodging Doflamingo it was unlikely he could be too picky.

There were also other assumptions that had to be made - how much velocity the items had or could gain. If strong winds could knock them off course temporarily or not, and other unknown limitations or empowerments granted by the Devil fruit ability itself.

Heat pointed to a few places on a map he'd brought out. "Since he'll realize he's not playing with Doflamingo anymore, he's most likely to take advantage of these elevated locations. Each one would send items into the house on different sections, so once he attacks again, we can head to the most likely location."

"It's not a guarantee," Kid says. "But it's not 4-dimensional chess anymore. It's just between us and him."

"He's going to do what everyone except Shanks has done since we got here," Killer says. "And underestimate us."

"Except Shanks... Hold on, are you telling me you guys waltzed into the Grandline Metro, became kings, and then hopped the fence past the Warlords and challenged an Emperor?!" You were completely dumbfounded as a couple crew members nodded their heads.

"Only cost us an arm and we learned a lot from it, Mouse."

You made a face. You're pretty sure your soul made a face.

"I'm surprised it took this long for The Crisis to hit you like that." Emma quips.

"The Crisis?"

"Everyone who joins the crew has The Crisis. Crisis is defined as 'a time of intense difficulty, trouble, or danger'." Wire explains. "The Crisis is that moment when you realize just exactly what it means to follow Eustass 'Captain' Kid."

"And yet none of you bastards have left after having your crisis." Kid points out and taps on the map to pull everyone back on topic. "I want Mouse to stay here tonight, and we need to send out scouts to look at these locations before an attack. See if there's any we can rule out first."

"We're leaving her alone here?" Hip asks.

"I mean, I'd be safe in the basement, right? Or the workshop – it's mostly a bunker." You offer.

"We're not leaving you alone." Kid grumbles, even though he gives you crooked smile. "You're shit at taking orders, Mouse. I'll stay here – subtle isn't exactly my gig anyway."

"If we happen to come across him while we're scouting, you want us to just handle things?" Emma asks.

"Sure," Kid says. "If you can bring him back here I'd consider it a gift, but at this point we need this problem solved. I ain't going to be a picky bitch about it." He looks around. "Pull Boogie, Reck and Mosh too. Moai and Hop if they're not busy. Tomorrow, I want a call out to gather the crew, give everyone that's scattered a week to get back here."

"Hey House," Kid called out, and put a hand on her shoulder before leaning down and whispering something in her ear.

"I mean, I'll do my best, Captain."

"Yeah, don't go nuts, but do what you can." Kid waved his hand. "Alright, handle your shit, back by dawn."

The crew ruffles your hair or pats you on the back as they file out, leaving you and Kid in the den together.

"What was that with House?" You ask out of curiosity.

"If I wanted the crew to know, I'da said it louder." Kid answers sarcastically, glancing at you from the corner of his eye as he collects up the map.

"I'm not the crew," you say, and you see him flinch. "I'm the fucking mascot." You say with a laugh.

"Seriously Mouse." He muses, putting things back.

"Am I though?" You ask, and see him look at you and raise a brow. "A member of the crew. Truly? Officially? In a you're-not-going-to-tell-me-to-get-into-limos-with-mad-men kind of way?"

"Pretty ballsy assumption thinking I'm not a mad man, Mouse. You want a gold letter certificate or something?" He asks. "I said I wasn't giving you a choice."

"... I hope you didn't recruit everyone else by snoggin' 'em." You say with a grin.

"Only Killer," he answers without missing a beat.

You choke. You didn't even have anything to choke on but air, but you still manage it.

Kid leans down and speaks low into your ear. "Don't underestimate me, Mouse, or I'll have you speaking in tongues on my workbench until you forget your name." He promises you, giving you a light kiss on the side of your neck before he walks out of the den.

The heats rushes from your toes up to your face, and you make an involuntary sound before you can get your hands over your mouth. You're in the chair for a good minute trying to get your body to settle down before you exit the den as well.

Realization sinks in that with everyone out on reconnaissance, you were going to be alone with Kid in the house. You were completely certain that he wasn't going to do anything to you. He said he wouldn't until after Decken had been taken care of, but that was before you were officially part of the crew. It wasn't protection from Decken that was keeping you here, it was deeper than that.

. . . . . .

After getting ready for bed, you found yourself standing outside Eustass' room. You were in the only thing you could really call lingerie that you owned. It wasn't an overtly seductive design, but it was a babydoll design with a little lace, and for you – and you were sure for Eustass – it was going to get the point across.

You knock on the door and hear him on the other side.

"What, too scared to sleep alone to-." The door opens and Kid, and his words, froze. His hair was damp and fell against his face, the white t-shirt he was wearing was dappled with water, and you were a little taken aback how good he looked in sweats.

You weren't sure what to say, but you could feel his eyes on you were certain you were as red as his hair. "You know what you're doing, Mouse?" He asks, and his voice is heavy.

"I'm inexperienced, not uneducated." You manage to reply, looking up at him. It might be your imagination, but he almost looks nervous. "I promise I'm not underestimating you."

There's a loud thump from the other side of the door and you aren't sure if he slammed his fist into something or kicked the wall. There's a moment of silence, and the gaze that settles on you sends a chill up your back.

"I can't promise I'll be able to hold back, Mouse."

"... I can go bite Victoria, if it'll help." You say with a twisted grin.

Kid motions you forward with a finger, that predatory grin on his face. "Get in here."

You step inside, feeling a hum almost like when Kid used his power, and felt your heart stutter when the door clicked closed behind you. You were quickly coming to understand the whole predator/prey relationship as you realize you weren't sure if it was safe to move.

"Go sit on the bed, Mouse." Eustass says, and the tone of his voice almost physically pushes you forward.

You climb onto the bed as he pulls his shirt off, grabbing a chair he comes over and sets it by the edge of the bed. The lamp by the bed is on, it's not bright, but there's more light in the room than you expected. You are exceptionally aware of everything, and trying not to focus on any one thing.

Eustass' room smell like his workshop, but different. There's the scent of metal and wood, but it's muted, and there's a scent of something like bourbon and chocolate mixed in. It's surprisingly elegant and sensual, and reminds you of Victoria and Eustass on the stand in the courtroom – unexpectedly fitting.

He sits on the chair and leans back, regarding you with those golden eyes of his. His tongue slides over his teeth as he grins before his expression turns serious.

"Play with yourself, Mouse." He says, in the same commanding tone that had spurred you toward the bed in the first place.

"Huh?" You heard him, but you couldn't process the words. Your face goes red and you can feel your heart beating faster.

"I know you know how. Show me." He orders. You hesitate for a second and he leans forward. "If you take too long to get started, Mouse, I'm going to start turning on every light in this room."

There's a rush that runs through you and you shake your head. "N-no, I-I'll, um... do it."

You spread your legs open and slip your hand under the band of the lacy underwear. You're already soaking wet, and when your finger slides over your clit you gasp at the unexpectedly strong sensation. You weren't sure if it was his gaze or his commands that had you in this sort of state, but your body was warm and trembling almost as soon as you started.

You hold yourself upright with your left arm as your right hand went to work with practiced movements. Your legs twitch and begin to close as the pleasure began to build up in your thighs, your breath was already coming out heavy, and you bit your lip, concentrating on the sensation.

"Keep your legs open, Mouse." He commands.

"It's – ahngh, n-not easy." You admit, spreading them back open even as your thighs twitched and pull back together. "They always... wanna close..." Your face was so red you could feel the heat in you making you a little light headed.

He stands up and pulls the thin lacey panties down. "Keep going, I'm just getting a better, view." His voice was low and warm, and his sweatpants weren't hiding his enjoyment of the show.

He brings your legs together long enough to pull the thin undergarment off, his hands grabbing your ankles and spreading your legs apart for you. You gasp at the sudden motion and feel a shiver rip through you at the expression on Eustass' face as he took in this new view.

Your heavy breaths were turning into moans, as the pleasure sent shivers down your legs.

"Hngh... Kid, I'm gonna..." For some reason you almost felt like you needed to ask permission, so you did. "Ah, please, lemme c-cum."

"Fuck Mouse, listen to you begging on your own like that," Eustass growls, his fingers tightening around your ankles for a second as his tongue slides across his lips. "Cum for me."

His tone, the words, the situation, the state you had been in before you had even knocked on his door, it was crashing into you as you cried out your pleasure into the room. Your legs twisted in his hands and you laid back on the bed as you came down from your pleasure.

Before you could even sink into the comforter of the bed, Eustass' hands slip up your legs and grab your ass. He pulls you to the edge of the bed as he kneels down and your sensitive twitching clit is devoured by his mouth.

"Hngh-Kiiiiiid!" You exclaim as your words melt into unintelligible moans.

You curl into him in surprise, and his arms shift enough to hook around your thighs and pull your legs open. He pushes into you as he spreads you open, his tongue plunging into your soaking pussy as your hands grab onto his hair.

Your body falls into the bed, your hands pulling at his hair in a futile attempt to get him to stop as the new wave of pleasure begins to overwhelm you. You're not begging him to stop, but when his thumb rolls over your clit and his tongue pushes deeper inside of you, your body clenches so hard you're vaguely worried you're going to pull his hair out.

Instead, he hums approvingly against you, continuing his assault. You feel yourself nearing another climax when he leans back and slips a finger inside you. The sensation causes your breath to catch in your throat, but he doesn't relent. His lips and teeth tease your clit as he fits a second finger inside you, and you can't beg permission from him this time.

You manage to suck in a breath just in time to cry curses into the air as you come again.

"You are deliciously sensitive, Mouse." Eustass purrs, licking along your slit and making your body shudder. "I've got some toys that might actually break you."

Your head's spinning from the pleasure, and your body is already exhausted. You can feel your skin flush as Eustass moves over you, your body sunk into the comforter of the bed. Aside from an airy nervous laugh, you can't muster up the energy to say anything back to him.

You're certainly not going to egg him on at this point, but you're vaguely reminded of Emma teasing you about needing stamina if you were going to be "friends" with Eustass.

He leans down and kisses you softly, his kisses moving from your lips, down along your jaw. When he reaches your ear, he runs his teeth along the sensitive flesh before his voice sinks into you.

"I'm not going to risk breaking you on the first night, Mouse." He says, kissing your neck and eliciting a soft gasp from you. "But I'm not going to make any promises about tomorrow."

[etirabys]

retrospective on a recent mild brain crash

here's how much fiction I've been writing this year. About mid-month I hit a good clip – between then and now I averaged 1400 words a day

Most of that was on one project. Most of my projects are speculative, "I have one cool idea, let's see where it goes" – they go nowhere, I'm mostly okay with that. This one I had a clear idea of the overall shape. I named the file "sufyan short.md" like one of those people in high infant mortality cultures who give babies placeholder names because they don't want death to notice that there's something to cut down

anyway it's a novella

The only two novellas I've ever completed, I got out in like, a week or two, putting everything else on my life on hold. So I had a vague background belief that if I didn't complete this project this month it was doomed. I don't think I explicitly said to myself, "It's this month or bust," because that would be an Unhelpful Self Pressuring Thought / Irrational Catastrophizing. But it turns out I believe that anyway & have been acting like I believe it. Taking stock of all the hours and energy I have and allocating it precisely between software job, novella, partners

I crashed (spent a few days feeling simultaneously fine & on the verge of some implosion, then rapid onset depressive episode yesterday), and have felt kind of mystified by this whole thing. It's been long enough since I pushed myself this hard this long that I don't quite know what to take away. Imagine if much of your life was dedicated to building the tower of babel, and each time god demolished it around ten stories. Then, somehow, things really came together and you got a hundred stories up. Then god came around to demolishing it. The landing, of course, was harder than usual. And you blink and try to take some lesson away from it – did you go too fast? was god mad about the workers not having enough breaks? was the foundation unsound? – but it all sounds like nonsense when you're still trying to process "we got to a hundred stories this time? we only do that about once every five years! should we just try the same thing over again?"

The crash leadup felt like... just... being obsessed with my project. There's a sliding scale from "manic about project, words gushing out of me" to "not making any progress but anxiously thinking about it all the time, turning it over and over in my mind to find the next entry point from which I can grow it further". When I slid from the former to somewhere in the middle, I didn't notice that this was bad

When I got consciously anxious about the project I was like "oh that's silly, let's shut down that anxious thought" but I didn't take the time to look at the… non-explicit/verbal ways I was anxious about it? Like, my attention was constantly rapid-flickering back to the novella even when I wasn't working on it

Scheduling explicit blocks of time for writing hasn't worked for me in the past, so my writing strategy is "when my brain spits out the next bit that it wants to write, immediately sit down and get going". So I'm frequently in a state of "not doing anything in particular but open to the urge". So each individual instance of rapid-flickering didn't seem bad, because it could be the prelude to gathering enough momentum that I sit down and pound out another 2000. It only looks bad when I step back and notice the ratio of thinking to writing is quite high. I've been quite productive the past two weeks, but my efficiency was a lot lower than Carnot efficiency.

And because I was mostly paying attention to output and not efficiency, I went "things are going really great! keep cranking!" and then, splat.

Anyway, takeaway thoughts/ideas from the latest wreckage of Babel.

This may not be possible, but the best way to reduce "it's now or never" anxiety is to trust myself to come back to the project. If I had to spit out a reasonable timeframe for someone else to complete this novella, I'd say 3 months. But because I don't think I can trek that long, I gave myself like 10 days. The better I am at sticking to long term projects, the easier I can drive myself

It's fine to be obsessive, but maybe set aside 4 hours in a day when I'm absolutely not allowed to think about it?

This has never worked for me, but maybe I should try just blocking out time every day to work on the fic. I'm in the unusual-for-me position of having a lot of scenes left but few unknowns – where you'd expect mechanical plodding to be most effective.

One issue I have is that I have a lot of "work" activities and "zombie" activities but few "relaxing" activities, so when I have some energy but don't want to push myself, I end up either being a zombie (which I then regret) or working (which burns me out). I suspect the intermediate level is consuming fiction.

My 1-2 nights of insomnia a week are a big deal. It is time to hold my nose and grovel at psychiatrists until one gives me Ambien. I'm guessing this is one of the highest impact things I can do for health and productivity.

Similarly 'low hanging' fruit is dramatically improving my cardiovascular fitness. I've been plateaued on the c25k schedule for a few months. More on this in a separate post.

[mortuaest]

Large rant, sorry. Please ignore if any of the trigger warnings are going to be an issue. I need to get it off of my chest because if I rant on FB I get hit with a character limit and I should make a personal Tumblr which I think I have but dont remember shit about.

Ive been having severe, and I mean severe as fuck mental and emotional breakdowns because of the fact that its literally been almost a year (Its going to be a year October 29th) since I've had to put down Ice Cube, my ESA of 14.5 years. He had cancer in his cheek and it was placed right to where it would effect his quality of life severely negatively if we tried to surgically take it out, and he would possibly die on the table if we did it because of his age, and he was declining (He wasn't eating, he was drinking, he really wasnt eating as much as I wanted him to, he was spitting back up the pills I was giving him, he was suffering) and my mental and emotional health has been severely suffering each and every day that passes without him.

I have another cat, I got him in April, thinking I was alright. Which I was I guess. Im being reminded via FB memories and just my own fucked up brain wanting me to join him to where I'm legit giving myself until December 31st, 2023 to have someone. Anyone give me a fucking sigh to keep on living. Im going to be going through a program my friend suggested to make a will, making her I forgot the words she used but shes going to make sure that my will is listened to and Albert Whisker, the cat I have now is taken care of.

I cant keep on living, and the fact that this heartbreak is fucking me up so badly to the point where the large baggie of medications (ranging from insomnia medications to Very STRONG painkillers and such, as well as my daily medications the day of me going to attempt) is very tempting to take now. And I mean very tempting. Meaning I almost took it yesterday, after my first mental break and me physically hurting myself by slamming a brush ungodly hard into my head because I legit believe I deserve everything that has happened to me (The physical, emotional and mental abuse that I got for 20 some odd years from my mother, the severe car accident from last year, the rapes, everything. My friends being murdered or dying around me, loosing the only thing that even brought light to my life).

No one in my life cares. No one seems to care. Ive been severely struggling and each time IVe even bothered to reach out for help via friends. Since my father hates me for being trans and my sister doesnt give a fuck to even bother to help me. My mother was the cause of my two rapes/sexual assaults in my life and wants me dead because Im autistic. No one wants to help, or no one seems interested in even keeping me around.

Cosplay isnt helping. Video games aren't either. I havent felt any happiness since last year. I could deal with this if he was still alive. But at the same time Im lying to myself, I havent known what made me happy other than my past cat Ice Cube. I stayed for him since I love him. I had him since he was five weeks old. We bonded. Its not the case with Albert and I feel he loves me but we dont have the connection and never will.

Im never going to feel anything other than severe misery and depression. At least, that's what I 100% believe.

TLDR: Im severely struggling and dont know what to do anymore. I dont trust my new therapist even though she has stated more than once and my friend who also goes to her has stated more than once she wont send me to inpatient or CPAP and she tries to avoid hospitalization if we can. But because of multiple decades of PTSD, abuse, and being denied the proper treatment, help, support from friends and family that I should of gotten Im at the point where Im giving myself until December 31st to find a reason to stay alive and if I dont then Im letting my queue run out.

[wapwani]

/

[anystalker707]

Bubblegum Bitch [Electra Heart] (part 2)

Pairing: Pastel! Frank x Punk! Reader [lowkey 'x Gerard' as well] Word count: ~ 5 600 Genre: Enemies to lovers / Fluff / Funny / Song inspired Summary: "Oh, dear diary, I met a boy He made my doll heart light up with joy Oh, dear diary, we fell apart Welcome to the life of Electra Heart I'm Miss Sugar Pink, liquor, liquor lips Hit me with your sweet love, steal me with a kiss"

> Part 1

Requested by @angie-migel | @broke-and-overwhelmed | anon | on wattpad

Me: Frank Frnak Fucking Bubblegum Bitch Miss Sugar Pink? 😍🥰😘

Miss Sugar Pink: Hi <3

Me: Where's the book?

I can almost feel my soul leaving my body at the moment the ‘online’ under Frank’s contact name disappears, groaning as I would let my head fall forward on the table if it was otherwise clean and my work didn’t have any chance to be ruined.

Gerard raises an eyebrow from his place next to me and hums, shaking his head. “What’s up, sugar?”

“Frank disappeared with the goddamn book,” I sigh, pocketing my phone, and put my latex glove on again, “and no one else returned theirs yet, so... All I can find are extremely minor extractions from the book around and resumes that say nothing substantial.” The paintbrush dips into the black paint before I bring it closer to paint the details along Mother War’s mask.

“Are you sure you don’t want any help?” Gerard leans over to grab the deep red mix that I was using earlier for the blood drops of his thousandth version of his Demolition Lovers’ drawing.

“Yeah. I need my own perspective of the book for this and I’m already halfway through my essay and all, so... It’d be messy.” I lean over Gerard’s shoulder to take a look at his painting. “You’re so talented it makes me want to give up.”

Gerard snorts a chuckle, rolling his eyes a little. “You’re not bad, dumbass.” He presses a kiss to my cheek and rests his head on my shoulder for a moment. “But why don’t you go after Frank or something? Maybe you can find him during any of the breaks today?” He goes back to adding the spilled blood to his painting, quickly reaching for a lighter tone of red.

“That if I can find him at some point.” I dip the brush in more black paint. Frank wasn’t around yesterday and before yesterday during lunch nor at the library when he usually is, in a way the last time I saw him in person was when I was heading to the dorms and saw him dragging someone around by their hand; either way, he dismissed me quickly. Just like when I text him—well, when he even bothers to answer. “I’ll go find him today.”

Finding Frank turns out to be a harder task than I thought. Normally, it’s easy to find him given how unusual it is to find someone else with a same pastel aesthetic as his, and even the familiar faces that usually are following him around are nowhere to be seen. Okay, that’s maybe unusual; it’s not like I know his habits or something.

Still, what the fuck? Can’t he keep up to his promises or what? Yeah, he’s not dumb or anything, but he’s also not the best person when it comes to commitment and all that stuff. It doesn’t matter how many times I call him right now, I’ll even find his fucking dorm if I need to.

The ringing stops. “Hello, you’ve tried to reach Frank Iero! I can’t answer right now, but if it’s regarding my photography or Pencey Prep, feel free to message me instead! If not, I’ll get back to you as soon as possible!”

No, no, no! Fuck!

“Frank,” I huff after the beeping sound, “you fucking disappeared. Forgot our deal? Call me or else I’ll hunt you down.” The sound of the phone hanging up follows, leaving me in silence with my own anger, which isn’t exactly any better. My fingers itch to toss my phone across the campus—breathe, (y/n), you know that’s not the best option or even a good one at all, it would solve absolutely fucking nothing. Everyone is working on their fucking assignments, hence there isn’t any prevision any other copy of the book will be returned anytime soon, but there I was, thinking Frank Iero, out of all people, would keep up to his promises at least once.

As the anger finally cools down into something else—disappointment, but not sadness; not sadness—, I pull my phone up again, this time opening the browser, searching ‘rent Reductionism in Art and Brain Science’. Maybe it won’t cost me that much or maybe it’ll work using some other people’s resumes as reference with the hope the professor doesn’t count it as plagiarism.

The thoughts honestly stick to my mind during the following lectures, slipping in between the moments of focus just to drown me in the terrible reality again. It shouldn’t be that hard, right? I already knew what making a deal with Frank meant. I know his reputation, I knew this had chances to go wrong, but still. Fuck, why did he have to be like this? Things were going on so well in the beginning. He had to ruin everything.

“You’re a little quiet, sugar.” Gerard scoots a little closer, pulling me to the third option of reality—one that’s not about being stuck in my thoughts or hyper focused on a task. “Is everything alright?”

I pause and swallow before I nod. Why does the situation have such an effect on me? It’s as if something annoying and prickling buzzed under my skin continuously. “I just wanted to finish my assignment in peace. Hand in my assignment and it’d be fine.”

“Is it really about it, though?” He raises an eyebrow, and wraps an arm around my shoulders.

A sigh escapes my lips as I lean into Gerard, pressing a kiss to his cheek because maybe then he’ll avert his attention away from the subject. He smiles a little as he pulls me closer.

Even with Gerard by my side—the way he sometimes takes my hand in his or plays with my fingers a little is simply so lovely—, the lecture continues as torturing as the previous one had been, but with more intervals in which I’m not hyper focused or stuck in my own head. Things at least do feel a little better by the time I’m packing my stuff again. I should have stuck with Gerard for the whole day, but it doesn’t matter now that we are heading to our dorm, with our arms hooked.

“We can watch something tonight, if it helps,” Gerard suggests.

The idea of watching sounds good, like, having my mind off everything else for about two hours. Will I be able to truly focus on the movie, though?

“Can we just cuddle and listen to something?” I sigh softly, already trying to think about a good playlist or at least a few good songs for the occasion. “I think it would help me better.”

A smile tugs on Gerard’s lips as he nods. “Sure, sugar.”

My ringtone brings me back to reality, feeling something digging into my hip at the same time I wonder why it’s so dark until I remember I must’ve fallen asleep while talking nonsense with Gerard while we cuddled, so he’s also responsible for digging his elbow into my hip. The song continues to play in a low but still audible volume until I press down on the green sign—while trying not to get blind by the screen brightness—and press the phone to my ear.

“Hello?” I groan. What time is it, even?

“Hi!” Frank? “Just wanted to know I just listened to the voicemail and we can meet up today during our free hours so we can work on the book. Together because I haven’t had time to do it yet and I was thinking we could figure it out! Is that okay for you?”

“Frank, I— What time is it, even?” I groan, rubbing my temple a little.

“It is...” He pauses. “One fifty-three. Anyways, is it fine for you?”

“Yeah, yeah,” I breathe, “whatever. Just text me the... the time and shit, we’ll meet up, ‘kay?”

“Lovely! See you in the morning!” Frank makes a kissy sound that’s followed by the sound of a concluded call; I hum. What the fuck? At least there still are a few hours left to sleep.

The next time I wake up, it’s actually to Gerard’s allarm going off, sending both of us groaning and shifting at the same time. I’m staring at nothing when Gerard leaves the bathroom, using every ounce of self control left in my body so I won’t lie back down and continue to sleep through the first lecture.

“Do you want to go have breakfast anywhere?” Gerard sprays some of his cologne on himself and adjusts his clothes before he walks over to his bag.

Breakfast anywhere? The thought of doing anything aside from going to lecture and dying silently while the professor talks in the background seems a little too demanding. “No, thanks, Gee, sorry.” The bed creaks a little as I stand up from it, moving to grab my clothes from the dresser to head to the bathroom.

“It’s okay, just thought it’d distract you a little,” he chuckles a little, and comes closer to give me a kiss on the cheek and hug me tightly until I groan in complaint.

We’re leaving for the first lecture when I check my phone properly, getting rid of the useless notifications and taking a look at the messages—art history group, family group, someone asking for notes, unread message from the last week, Frank... Wait, Frank?

Miss Sugar Pink: 11:45 am lecture, outdoors tables near the Neuroscience building <3

What’s that supposed to mean...? Oh, the call in the middle of the night. Right, at least that’s going to be better than nothing.

Even if the lectures and the time at the library seems to pass just as slowly as yesterday, the new context makes up for it at the same time it—thankfully—gives me a new relieving feeling rather than the uncomfortable one that seemed to crawl under my skin. Still, I wonder if this is really going to work. Does Frank study in silence or does he have some habit that may disturb me? I wish things would just work out smoothly instead.

My stomach churns at seeing the clock saying 11:25 am as my hands sweat stupidly, but I guess I’ll just rent the book online in case something turns out wrong and try to borrow money from someone if things get too bad for me later. It’s not a bad plan, right? I don’t want to hear the answer.

Surprisingly enough, the pastel spot is already seen at the table in the distance when I head towards the place Frank agreed with me. He wears a cute pink shirt today and purple shorts that match his Chuck Taylors and socks, using his delicate jewelry as always, eyes covered by his red frame shades, while he sips on whatever he got in his glitter Starbucks cup. “Hello, hun!” His lips stretch in a grin at the same time he sees me—nice gloss. “How are you?”

“Hello.” I take a seat on the bench across from him with a sigh, letting my bag down beside me. “So, you disappeared.”

“Yeah, sorry! I really didn’t mean to!” He pouts a little and brings the shades up his head, setting the cup aside. Some of his stuff already lies across the table, some of his pretty pens plus the basics, and his sparkly silver pencil case sits next to his pastel green binder. Almost all of his items are covered in stickers, wow. Very... Frank. “‘Bet you didn’t hear about it, but the thing is that I met a boy who makes my doll heart beat up with joy.”

“You writing poems about your lovers now?” I raise an eyebrow, but don’t really let him answer despite his intention to, continuing to talk as I start to get my own things off my bag. “Okay, but who’s the lucky one?”

“You wouldn’t know him.” Frank shrugs a little, swinging his feet a little—an information which I didn’t really need, but am aware of due to how he ends up accidentally kicking me under the table. “But he’s from the cinema people. He’s very pretty, like— Gym rat or something, as he likes to call himself.” His lips stretch in a smile as he pulls the book from inside his bag. “I couldn’t answer you and all because I was spending time with him and things will probably be like this for a while, so I thought it’d be cool to meet up like this.”

Oh, okay. What the fuck am I supposed to say about this? It’s weird to think that Frank has other... ‘friends’. What are we, after all? I don’t think we’re even friends despite all the talks. Not as exciting as I thought it would be.

“You’re dating?” I raise an eyebrow.

Frank’s face turns a deep shade of red at the same time my heart sinks into my stomach and he hums, shrugging. “I guess so?”

“Okay.” I nod as I start to skip through the notes for my assignment until reaching a half empty page. “Congratulations.” Is this what I’m supposed to say? “I’m glad you could find someone.”

“I know, right?” Frank giggles with excitement, making me smile a little, even if it’s not because of anything we’re talking about.

“I hope he treats you like you deserve.” I press my lips together; Frank is in silence whilst observing me for a long moment, interrupted once I reach for the book. All I want is for this to be over so this feeling vanishes—it feels like someone is gripping on my throat and lungs.

“What do you mean?” Frank tilts his head.

“What do I mean what?” I furrow my eyebrows, using my finger to mark the page I stopped at.

“I don’t deserve to be treated in some specific way,” Frank chuckles, shaking his head as he takes hold of a pen, “I’m going to be treated according to what the situation allows.”

“Oh, so you’re going to let your significant other change your phone just because they said they’ll break up with you if you don’t?” I chuckle as I shake my head to myself, but... Frank isn’t laughing, so I stop, eyeing him carefully. “Frank?” He hums, tilting his head a little. “Oh, Frank, that’s not how it works!” I pinch the bridge of my nose. Fuck, I can’t scare him, though. “Look, it doesn’t matter what they want, if it invades your privacy or goes against your will, you’re not obligated to agree with it!”

“But what if they love me a lot?” Frank’s shoulders fall as he sighs, bottom lip sticking out a little. “I don’t want to hurt them!”

...Who is this and what did they do with Frank? Nevermind, (y/n), focus.

“If they truly love you, they will understand.” I exhale softly. “Look, you deserve to still have your privacy, to do whatever you want, to say no and all even if you love them and they love you. It may be weird to hear it from me or something,” I mutter with a shrug—because it does feel weird to tell him this at the same time it’s... concerning, like, how does his mind work?—, “but it’s the truth. Like, something everyone should know, everyone deserves it.” Frank looks at me quietly, and even if his eyebrows are a little low, whatever emotion he holds remains a mystery. “Sorry, I ended up ranting.”

Frank blinks and hums quietly, shaking his head. “Don’t worry.” He pulls a lollipop from inside his pencil case and pops it into his mouth.

A weird silence hovers between us, interrupted by the sound of the wind going through the trees’ leaves with some distant voices, lasting up to when Frank frowns a little and stops writing on his binder to look around.

“Something wrong?” I glance at him, finishing to write a sentence.

“Do you mind some music?” He sticks his lollipop back in his mouth after I shake my head and grabs his phone, tapping on it a few times before the characteristic introduction of Saturday Night starts playing. Fuck, Saturday Night? He goes back to writing, but the pen barely touches the paper when he looks at me again, eyebrows furrowed. “Um, do you—”

“You like Misfits?”

A red tone spreads across Frank’s cheeks as he smiles a little, eyes drifting down for a moment. “...Yeah,” he hums and pauses to get the lollipop in hand, “I really like them. Why?”

“I was expecting something like Kyary Pamyu Pamyu to start playing. I mean, no problems if you do like her, but...” I shrug a little, looking at his phone for a moment. Does he like any other rock band or is he just a Misfits fan? To be honest, knowing the kind of artists Frank likes is difficult in general since he doesn’t wear merch very often, so maybe he just listens to music casually and doesn’t need it as bad as oxygen like I do.

Frank chuckles. “Yeah, I can imagine the shock. Like, the visuals—” He motions to himself. “They don’t match, but I do like them. Like, not only them, also Metallica, Megadeth, Slipknot and all that stuff in general.”

Fucking awesome. As thrilled as it gets me, I refrain myself from doing anything rather than nod. “Ever been to a concert?”

“Not really.” Frank shakes his head and licks his lollipop, twirling his pen between the fingers of his free hand. “Never got anyone to go with me. And you?”

“Same,” I hum. We look at each other for a moment, in which I cogitate to tell him I’ll keep it in mind for the next time any of these bands decide to have a concert anywhere near us, but maybe it wouldn’t work, we aren’t even that close or anything. Frank might not like my company like this—or like my company at all. “Maybe your new partner might go with you?”

Frank snorts, rolling his eyes, and goes back to scribbling down. “It’s easier for me to give you the book instead.” Okay, then; I chuckle a little with the lack of better response, taking the book instead, skipping through the pages to one I want. “But he does take me to a few parties, y’know? I confess it’s not exactly my thing, but I will get used to it.”

“You’re not a party person?” I raise an eyebrow, glancing up to see him shaking his head. “I could swear you were.”

“No, no, I’m more of a stay at home and study person...” Frank mumbles, adjusting the binder as he starts writing on another line. “But it’s cute how he always has an arm around me, he is protective and all. I even got a ring.” He puts the lollipop in his mouth to hold up his left hand and show off the delicate golden ring around it.

“Yeah?” I raise an eyebrow, taking his hand in mine to adjust it a little; the ring is adorned by three pink stones, perfectly matching him. His fingertips are rough. “Do you play any instrument?”

Frank’s cheeks heat up and he hums quietly. “Yeah, I play the guitar.”

“True?” I grin, tracing his fingertips a little. “That’s awesome.”

His lips curl up into a shy smile as he looks down then at me again, nodding a little. “I can play something for you at some point.”

“That would be nice,” I say softly and gently let go of his hand. Despite how picturing Frank playing a guitar and something like Dig Up Her Bones is hard, it only makes me more curious about it. I hope he plays for me soon.

“—and, like, I have the whole collection, all the books,” Frank says, pausing to flip to the next page of his binder, “but I didn’t have time to read them yet and stuff.” He shrugs a little, sighing. “My books are really precious to me, y’know,” he chuckles, “I want to have my own library at some point.”

“Oh, really?” I grin wide—the idea of having your own personal library is just fantastic—and Frank nods frantically, smile widening. “I—”

“Wow, plain lunch and you two are here?” Gerard suddenly sits down next to me, raising an eyebrow as he looks down at all the materials scattered across the table.

“Lunch?” I raise an eyebrow and exhale softly once I take a look at my phone. It’s 01:34 pm already. “Wow,” I exhale, leaning back a little. My notes aren’t worth almost two hours of studying—maybe because these hours weren’t used for studying, right? There are enough notes, thankfully.

“Oh, fuck,” Frank gasps, widening his eyes as he immediately stands up, frantically tapping on his phone’s screen before starting to throw his things back inside his bag. “I’m sorry, guys, I gotta go!” He messily zips it up without even putting everything into place properly—quite weird coming from him—, and shows up between Gerard and I, pressing kisses to our cheeks and mumbling rushed farewells. My cheek ends up smeared with gloss, but... Fuck, Frank’s gloss. I must smile stupidly given Gerard’s look, but he isn’t much different from me given how red his cheeks are.

“Where do you think he’s gotta go?” Gerard raises an eyebrow, glancing back at the way Frank went.

“Maybe see his boyfriend?” I shrug. I should gather my things as well.

Gerard chuckles, but goes silent for a moment. “Wait, you’re joking, right?” He looks at me from under his lashes and widens his eyes once I shake my head in response. “Wow. Frank. Dating. Who’s the lucky one?”

“Some guy from the cinema major.” I put my notebook aside first, then start grabbing my pens... I don’t remember having a pink pen like this, a glitter gel one and strawberry scented. Hopefully returning it is enough of an excuse for him not to keep the book away from me for so long this time.

“Damn.” Gerard looks at the nothing for a moment and sighs, shrugging a little. “Anyways, let’s go get you lunch, shall we?”

Even if we don’t talk with Frank a lot, seeing him less and less often is quite unusual and missing his presence is quite uncommon, but... Well, it’s all because of the book, right? I needed the book and nothing else. We had started to text each other more often a little after we sat together to study, but he disappeared again sometime ago. Some things are just not supposed to be. Frank simply isn’t the kind of person to make friendships like this and it is okay. I should stop forgetting this whole thing is due to the book and, to be honest, he returned the book the day after we studied together, so we have no reason to talk anymore. This whole thing was due to the book. The book had a note inside when he left it outside my door after a brief knock, a folded paper between the cover and the first page. Thank you for sharing and helping, xoxoMissSugarPink—it said with a kiss mark near the signature.

At least my assignment was turned in in time and it was pretty complete, in my opinion. As far as I know, Frank’s as well.

“I don’t like it when you’re quiet like this.” Gerard sighs, rolling his shoulders back a little. He leans in closer to the mirror as he smudges the red makeup around his eye, maybe uselessly trying to make it symmetrical to his other eye. “I mean, I don’t mind it when you’re quiet, but this is another type of quiet.”

Yeah, of course Gerard would notice it. “Burned out, it’s all.” It feels like a lie, weirdly enough.

“Sorry about it, sugar. I wish you could come with me and I also wish I could stay here to take care of you.” Gerard pulls his hair back with a sigh and steps closer to take a seat on the edge of the bed, shifting a little before he cups my face with both of his hands. They’re warm. Nice. “I have my phone with me, though, so don’t be afraid to call or anything, okay? Take care of yourself, drink water, you can grab the snacks from my bedside table if you want, I love you.” A smile tugs on his lips and he presses a kiss to my cheek. “In case I don’t answer, you have Bert, Jeph and Ray’s phone numbers, right?”

“Yeah, yeah, but don’t worry a lot.” I lean into his hand a little and pull Gerard for a hug. “Go have fun, you loser.”

Gerard chuckles a little, squeezing me, then finally gets up, still pacing around the room a little until he has all of his things with him and leaves for once after another rant about how I need to take care of myself.

The silence and being alone is comforting. Of course I love Gerard’s presence, but I still appreciate being alone, spread out across the bed, on my fluffy covers... There’s a knock on the door. Gerard again? Well, he does have the keys. A sigh escapes my nose as I push myself up and move to answer the door.

“Hi—” I interrupt myself with the pastel blur that squeezes between me and the doorway to get in the room, taking his shoes off on the way to my bed, where he sits down, practically throwing himself on it. “Frank...?” I raise an eyebrow, taking a look at the empty halls before I close the door again and lock it. “Uh, hi?”

“You won’t believe it,” Frank says, sounding a little breathless, and only now I notice it might be the first time I see him without any makeup, not even having eyeliner adorning his eyes. Not to mention his eyes are kinda red. “Like— That dumbass—” Frank grabs the closest pillow and screams into it. Okay, that’s not how I planned to spend my night, but what’s fucking happening to him? He’s even in his pajamas already.

“Frank...” I take a seat next to him, resting a hand on his shoulder, compelling him to immediately lean against me. “Hey, what happened, do you want to talk about it?”

“That stupid, idiot, motherfucker—” Frank interrupts himself with a soft sound—a sob?—and wraps his arms tightly around me, arms still tight around my torso. “H-He just wanted to use me or something, I don’t know, I just—” He sighs shakily and relaxes against me. “Fuck, it’s just— W-We fell apart.”

“I’m sorry about it,” I sigh softly, rubbing Frank’s back. He squeezes his way out of my grip and lies down on my bed, facing the wall as he hugs the pillow he grabbed earlier close to his chest. “Do you—”

“I don’t want to talk about it, don’t talk to me, let’s just stay in silence,” he says in a single breath. “Don’t talk. Hug me.”

It’s unclear whether sleep is clouding my mind or not, but I turn off the lights and join him. Frank feels so delicate and warm, his sweet smell filling my lungs as my nose buries into the back of his neck.

Unlike Gerard, Frank tosses around the bed a lot during his sleep between intervals of clinging to me and being as far as possible, which has me waking up in the middle of the night with a sharp inhale, staring at the darkness as Frank shifts around until resting his head on my chest.

“(Y/n), are you awake?” His whisper cuts through the thick silence of the room.

“Yes, Miss Sugar Pink.” I smile a little.

“It’s Electra Heart now.” He shifts a little, resting his hand over my chest.

“Oh?”

“Yeah,” Frank hums. His fingers trace soft patterns on my chest, bringing me a weirdly soothing feeling. “Y’know, I really like to make the people who I like happy,” he mumbles, words running one into the other with sleepiness, “I like to do whatever they want because... because they just, like, deserve it and stuff. I thought he knew that. I never take people to my dorm and I took him. I never— I even went to parties with him, these stupid parties that stink of stupid beer and stupid cigs...” He sniffles a little at the same time I feel something warm through the fabric of my shirt, so I bring a hand to play with his hair; he melts a little more into me.

“I’m so sorry, Frankie, you deserve a lot better,” I whisper. Fuck, why do my eyelids feel so heavy now? I want to keep talking. “A lot more. But you know you don’t need to sacrifice yourself to make people happy, right?”

“I’m working on it,” Frank says, small and quietly.

“Why did you come to me, Frank?” I dip my fingers into the strands on the back of his neck, caressing and massaging the skin there softly, in a way he hums in response, sighing.

“Dunno, you’re all that I have.” Frank shifts a little, almost shrugging. “We never... talked a lot, but you don’t, y’know, try to kiss or touch me or compliment me the whole time...” He pauses, only the sound of his deep and slow breaths filling the room. “I can talk with you about simple things and it feels like you know me or you care, I don’t know. No one wants to hear me talk about my books, only about my panties.” He exhales sharply through his nose, humorously. “Not you, though, not you...” He says almost in a singing tone, tracing patterns on my chest, soon pausing as he presses a kiss to it through the fabric. “Not you.”

Nothing in especial brings me back to reality—not Gerard walking in, not the sunlight or the alarm clock—, I just open my eyes and stare at the ceiling for a long moment as I think about what happened last night and allow myself to enjoy the warmth pressed to my side and the weight on my chest. He didn’t move away. On his bed, there’s Gerard, tangled in the blankets. Almost a normal Saturday. Better than one.

A sharp sigh comes from Frank as he whines something in his sleep, but tugs on my shirt to bring himself closer to me then relaxes again with a soft exhale. How is he so precious and pretty? My heart flutters a little and, fuck, fuck it if this isn’t good.

As much as cuddling is nice, I can soon feel my bladder complaining, in a way I manage to get Frank to turn around and cling to a pillow while still asleep before I rush to the bathroom as quietly as possible, already starting to get myself ready for the day. Gerard stands shirtless in the room when I’m back, potentially looking for another shirt among the mess under his bed as he pushes the articles of clothing around with his feet, being watched by Frank, who sits on the bed with crossed legs.

“Good morning,” I breathe, closing the door behind me.

“Mornin’!” Frank makes grabby hands towards me; I need to pause for a moment then step close to hug him, letting him cling to me for as long as he wants—which is until Gerard threatens to go to the bathroom, so Frank immediately rushes in ahead of him.

“What’s he doing here?” Gerard asks as soon as he hears the lock turning.

I observe the bathroom’s door for a moment and shrug lightly. “He fell apart with his ex-boyfriend or something, then he came here. I guess I could befriend him for real.”

Gerard raises his eyebrows and nods a little. He blinks slowly, nodding to himself. “Yeah, right. Remind me to update you later about the gig then you update me about the whole stuff, alright?”

“Alright,” I chuckle, moving to grab a new change of clothes.

I make my bed and I’m sitting on it again when Frank leaves the bathroom, giving place for Gerard to finally get in, and immediately comes to straddle my lap. Sweet. I’m about to hug him back when he threatens to leave my lap, so I hug him, wrapping my arms around his waist tightly until he giggles and settles down to wrapping his arms around my neck with a sigh.

“Do you like it?” Frank nuzzles the side of my face a little. “Are you okay if I’m too clingy and stuff?”

“You’re not too clingy.” I press a kiss to his cheek, internally melting at how he holds onto me. He still smells like cotton candy.

“You’re just saying things,” he sighs.

“I wouldn’t hug you back if I minded.” I hug him tightly again, which makes him squeal. “I wouldn’t have held you during the night or anything.”

He hums, giving himself a moment. “Right.”

Frank pulls back enough to face me, furrowing his eyebrows, but quickly presses his forehead to mine, then brushes our noses together a little and... he presses his lips to mine softly, and holy fuck. It’s just... the best thing ever. His lips are soft as they slide against mine just perfectly, compelling me to be careful almost as if Frank were made out of glass or something even more fragile. He hums softly, almost a soft whine, and threatens to pull away, but I deepen the kiss, leaning in more instead because... Fuck, will I ever get enough of it? What does he have? Liquor lips?

A deep red tone spreads across Frank as he pulls back, his eyes focused on my lips—I presume—not on mine. “I think I like you.”

_____________________

tagging list: @lubbockshusband | @trans-ylvania

[bestruction]

Falling in love with a marleyan pt.2

N/A: It was really hard to write for Eren because of all of his background. That’s why I’m insecure about this one. I hope you can enjoy 

You can read the part 1 here 

- Eren Jaeger 

After the war that started in Marley because of the failure of the founding titan's mission, the government sent marleyan nurses to the hospital of the Liberio District. Since many people had died on the battlefield, it would take some time for the eldian medical unit to fully recover.

You were one of them.

It wasn't your first time taking care of war survivors, but putting your feet inside the district's central hospital and seeing all those poor souls made your heart sink in your chest. The atmosphere was heavy, especially since the other nurses who were with you saw no reason to care for and treat eldians.

What was the purpose of the war? This? More blood and hatred?

You were in charge of caring for the patients in ward B. After a long day cleaning your patients' psychological and physical wounds, you felt relief when you reached the last one.

"Mr. Kruger" was what the chart said and notes below about his amnesia, left eye, and leg.

"Good night, Mr. Kruger"

"Good night, nurse"

"You can call me by my name," You said, pointing to the badge on your chest. "We're going to see each other a lot from now on"

He looked at your face and then at your arm, noticing the lack of the armband.

"You are marleyan" he stated

"Yes, I am" You pulled up a stool to sit "Have you had any pain in your left eye or in your leg?"

"No, nurs-" he interrupted himself and looked at your badge before completing the sentence with your name.

"That's good. Please look at my index finger"

You moved your finger from side to side to test his reflexes.

“I'll need to change the bandages on your leg to make sure it is healing well, and the next week, we will look at your eye ”

He nodded, and you bent down to undo the bandages wrapped around the man's leg. To your surprise, there were no scars or even stitch marks.

"You must have an incredible body, Mr. Kruger" you exclaimed, touching his knee looking for any signs of injury "It's almost as if it's regenerating"

"It would be incredible if that were possible"

"Yes of course! It's just my imagination"

Carefully, you bandaged his leg again. Since he said that he would feel better even if he didn't need to. Of all your patients that day, the man with the long brown hair seemed to have something different about him. He was not in paranoia or outlined any kind of stress, but probably thanks to his amnesia.

You helped him sit down, undress for the bath, sit in the wheelchair, and waited at the door until he was finished to help him get dressed again.

That was your first night with Eren Kruger, one very similar to that of the other patients.

The week dragged on at the Central Hospital of Liberio. In the afternoon, it was time to take the most mentally stable patients for a walk around, and as the days passed and repeated, the more you watched Kruger.

Even during the afternoon hours, he did not walk around like the rest. Unlike other patients with amnesia, he didn't even try to search for a loved one or recover some memory. He was unusual, and you were curious.

Every day, you went to his room to perform the same procedure.

"Good night, Mr. Kruger" You greeted him after entering his room, and he responded by saying your name.

"You look tired"

"Is that your way of telling me that I've been prettier?"

You placed his dinner tray on the small, simple table there and sat next to him on the bed.

"No, just tired, but still beautiful"

You smiled at him more than you would like.

"I will test your reflexes as usual and then I will assist you in the shower as usual"

He was always your last patience. He was the best in health and with whom you talked the most.

"Aren't you going to let me see your eye yet?" You asked, helping him to take off his coat.

"You said it wasn’t necessary since I didn’t feel pain"

You shrugged. He probably didn't want to show it because of vanity.

"It is a pity. I really like the color ”

"Why you say that?"

"What do you mean?"

"I'm an eldian, but unlike other nurses, you don't seem to be disgusted by your work"

"Why would I, Mr. Kruger?" You asked, unbuttoning the last button on his shirt "I'm sure the blood runs here" You said, placing a hand on his chest "It's the same one that runs here"  and completed placing his hand on your chest "We are the same ”

You didn't notice, but Eren Kruger frowned before pulling your hand away abruptly. At that moment, you thought you were over the line. A silence fell over the two of you after such a simple sentence. That was how the night ended, with you two in silence.

Honestly, Eren Kruger had not been offended by your words but intimidated. The last thing he expected to hear from a marleyan was something like that. Eren was intimidated by your kindness.

Kruger was not just your patient. After that few months, he was your friend as well. It was not easy for you to establish a relationship with the other nurses. The marleyan who came with you avoided you because they saw the way you treated the eldians. The eldian nurses did not know what to expect from you, so they kept their distance. He was the only person you could talk to. After what happened, you were afraid that you had ruined things between you. So in an attempt to apologize, the next day, you took a chessboard to entertain him. It was a simple thing, but it was what the hospital protocol allowed.

When Eren saw you enter the bedroom door carrying the dinner as usual and a box, he thanked you for the poor lighting, or maybe you'd have noticed the blush that appeared on his cheeks when he heard you saying "Good night"

He answered you, but he did not look you in the eye. You left the tray of food on the bed and dragged the wooden table in the room to the front of him.

"I thought we could play a little bit" You suggested showing the box.

"It would be a great idea"

You set up the board on the table after dinner, and in silence, you started playing. You were surprised at how strategist the man in front of you proved to be and even more when he won the game.

“I bet you were a great soldier in the war. Why no one comes after you?"

He remained silent, and you sighed.

“I know I made you uncomfortable yesterday, but it was not my intention, Mr. Kruger. I hope you can forgive me ”

Eren looked at you and blinked a few times.

"You didn't ... You didn't do anything wrong" He ran a hand through his hair "I didn't expect to find someone like you in a place like this"

"Well, I didn't expect to find someone like you either"

The silence fell over you two again, but this time in a cozy way.

"Let me prepare you for your bath"

You took off his coat, unbuttoned his shirt, helped him remove his pants, and sit in the wheelchair before taking you to the bathroom.

Everything as on other days, just like with the other patients. So why did your heartbeat so fast against your chest?

"Good night, Mr. Kruger," You said about to leave the room.

"Eren"

"Hm?"

"Please call me Eren"

"Yes...Good night, Eren"

Your foolish heart was beating so fast that you could barely sleep through the night. The blood hit the walls, reverberating his name in your head, and the same happened with the eldian lying in his bed meters from you.

Time passed quietly, with the two of you talking during the afternoon outings and his daily checks. Eren loved those moments. Being with you brought back a part of him that he thought he lost some time ago.

You made that place without colors, the closest thing he could call home.

You liked how things were between you, but you were afraid.

Nothing good would come from a relationship that shouldn't exist, and you would be sent back to your city soon. So there was nothing to do about it. You thought Eren Kruger would become a good memory, and maybe he would have if you hadn't noticed him handing a letter to Falco.

The moment you saw him hand the paper over to the boy, it all made sense. So he didn't try to find out who he was because he already knew, but why stay in the hospital? Why pretend amnesia? Why send a letter if he didn't seem to want to come back?

When you went to take his dinner that night, you were nervous. How to start a conversation like this? Should you even bring it up?

"Are you okay?" He asked, taking you out of your daydreams

"Yes, just thinking about something"

"About what?" He asked, taking a tablespoon to his mouth

You swallowed hard and, without further ado, asked:

"You don't really have amnesia, do you?" Eren stopped the spoon in his mouth and waited for you to continue. “I saw you handing a letter to that boy, Falco. You wouldn’t send letters if you didn’t remember who you are ”

He put the silverware on a plate and stared at you.

"And what are you going to do about it?"

"What I'm going to do…? What do you think I'm going to do? Tell the hospital board? ” You sat next to him “It hurts me that you lose faith in our friendship for so little. I would never do that, Eren. If you don't want to go back… ”You took his hand in yours“ You must have your reasons. I just don't want you to have to lie to me ”

"I wish I didn't have to lie to you, too"

He intertwined your fingers with his own and patted the back of your hand briefly. You were close enough for your legs to touch each other.

Eren raised his free hand to your chin and lifted it towards his face. The months of tension between the two of you succumbed to a calm, slow, almost frightened kiss.

"Sorry. I shouldn't… ”

Eren stumbled over the words. He didn't want to force himself on you.

You knew how wrong it was. Ethically and logically, but none of that seemed to matter. So, you kissed him back.

"I want to kiss you too, Eren" You whispered between the kiss

Eren smiled without breaking the contact. How long had he been since he smiled like that?

The kiss started a spark that turned into a fire of desire. None of you dared to stop or even wanted to. Eren kissed you as if it were the first and last time as if he was afraid to let you go. His hands went down to your back, undoing the apron knot, and yours did the same with the shirt buttons. You removed the usual coat he was wearing and right after the shirt. He pulled you into his lap, squeezing your waist. You had to hold back a groan as you felt his erection against your clothed core.

Eren put his hands on the front buttons of your dress and looked at your eyes carefully. Those jade eyes were looking for your permission. You kissed him again, touched by his concern, and got up from his lap.

You undid the buttons on your dress and took off your underwear, leaving you naked. That was the consent he was looking for.

"You're..." He searched for words looking at your face, at your body "Beautiful"

This time, you saw him blush. Eren had never seen a naked woman, more than that, he was sure he had never met a woman like you.

He undid his belt, and you helped him take off his pants before accepting the invitation to return to his lap. To be honest, he didn't quite know what to do, and if you think he was flushed before, you should have seen his face lying on your shoulder when he said:

"I don't know what to do exactly ..."

So you took one of his hands and guided it to the middle of your legs.

"Here" He pressed his finger above your clit "Move your finger in circles"

He did as you said, and he had to restrain himself not to cum at the exact moment you moaned.

"Keep...Agh...Doing it, Eren"

Eren felt an adrenaline rush up his spine and his cock throb when he heard you say his name like that. He wanted more. See more, learn your reactions, and listen to you say his name like this more often.

That night left a mark on you two forever. There was no turning back. Not because of sex, but because you fell in love with Eren, and he fell in love with you long before that.

Thinking about the afterward was something you avoided, but when your period didn't come a second time. You knew it was necessary.

You planned to apply for permanent leave to work as a nurse in the Liberio District and somehow get Eren out of the hospital. You could live in a more remote part of the district without attracting attention and, if necessary, would use one of the eldian armbands. That way, you would only be more of a couple among many. After all, the government would not bother to investigate the life of a nurse.

You were happy despite everything, but that was until you told him.

"Are you ... What?"

"I’m pregnant"

"Is it mine?"

You opened your eyes wide when you heard the question.

"Excuse me? What are you trying to say? ” You controlled yourself not to raise the voice “Of course it’s yours” You completed feeling a lump forming in your throat.

“That wasn’t part of the plan,” He said more to himself than you“You were not part of the plan” Eren rested his hands on his knees and lowered his head.

You wanted to cry. Not for him, but for trusting him, for making plans for the two of you.

“So this is how it will be? God ... I'm such an idiot ”

Eren looked at your figure with slumped shoulders and closed countenance. He hated himself for causing your smile to end. He hated himself for being not the man you deserved and needed, but he wouldn't leave you by yourself.

Even though he couldn't be that man.

"Don’t go out of hospital tonight" He said breaking the silence. "Under no circumstances go to the speech today"

"What? Why?"

"Promise me you won't, please"

"Eren, you are not making sense"

"Please" He begged you seriously

"Okay"

He told you to wait on the hospital terrace. He would come to pick you up, and once again, you trusted him.

It was difficult to watch the confusion that happened in the hospital. Countless wounded and killed. You never forgot the horror stuck in those people's eyes, and doing nothing to help make you feel guilty.

Is that why he told you not to go? If so, how did he know what was going to happen? Why did he know?

You were about to come down to help when a short-haired woman appeared on the terrace saying your name. If you were confused before by not knowing what was going on, now even more.

"Who are you?"

"Eren asked me to pick you up"

"He told me he would come"

She held out her hand with a tender face that you couldn't decipher.

“You will understand everything. Now come on, we don’t have much time to reach others ”

The wind was blowing hard on the terrace. You thought about refusing, going down, and helping the patients. At that time, you were no longer sure if you knew who Eren Kruger, the father of your child, was. You wouldn't know if it was for fear of what could happen if you stayed or for the love you felt for Eren, but you accepted her hand.

You climbed on the airship with that woman.  The pairs of eyes there were looking at you with as much curiosity as you to them. You hated the feeling of being the only one in the dark, the only one not knowing what was going on.

"We'd better keep an eye on her"

"She doesn't know anything" You heard Eren say without looking at you "She wasn't part of the plan"

"No? So why did you ask to pick her up? ” Asked the man without taking his eyes off you

"She’s pregnant with my child"

All the heads in the room turned to you.

"It seems that conspiring was not the only thing he did during that time"

You had so many questions, but there was no time for any of them right now.

Finding out that Eren Kruger was actually Eren Jaeger was like a punch in the gut. The army agreed to accommodate you, and in return, Eren would be imprisoned since he could leave if he wanted to. The woman who came to pick you up on the terrace answered all your questions and explained the current situation. You didn't know what to say, just that you needed to talk to him.

It took a while, but after so much insisting, the survey corps commander agreed to let the two of you talk under her supervision.

Eren was sitting on the bed when you stopped in front of the cell with Hange at your side. He didn't look at you, and he didn't think he could do it too.

"Eren?" You called him, putting your face between the bars "What does all this mean?" You asked even though he knew the answer "You lied to me"

You didn't want to cry, but how could you not? Especially being more sensitive because of the pregnancy.

"Eren ... why?" A sob cut you off “Now I don't know who you are, I can't go home, and is that all you have to say? Nothing? Eren! ” You hit the bars causing a loud bang.

“Try to stay calm. You can't be exasperated because of the baby, ”said Hange, touching your shoulder.

Eren got up from the bed and went to you. You looked deep into his green eyes, now understanding why he never let you take off the bandages, why he didn't have scars.

“I didn't lie about everything” He rested his forehead over yours on the bars “I know this is hard to believe right now, but I'm not going to leave you by yourself. That’s why I asked Mikasa to pick you up ”

For an instant, you saw the Eren who spent his days in the hospital there in front of you. He wiped away your tears and whispered an apology accompanied by your name before kissing your forehead and apologizing again.

It was unfair how your heart sped at the mere touch of him. Foolish heart.

Falling in love and having a child never crossed Eren's mind when he went to Marley. He didn't feel like he deserved you and even less your love. Several times he wanted to tell you everything, but how?

Hange looked at her watch and said that the time was over. Eren took your cheeks in his hands and whispered looking into your eyes.

“I wasn't lying when I said I loved you. I love you"

Hange took you back to your room and asked if you would accept that she questioned you about your time with Eren. She had waited until the moment she judged it right due to your pregnancy.  As a way to repay all her kindness you accepted.

Eren could have said he wouldn't leave you alone, but while you were telling what happened during that time in a country you didn't know, in a room that wasn't yours and pregnant with a man you weren't sure you knew more about, you felt more alone than ever.

[shera-dnd]

I totally forgot there was a raffle fic from last month I didn't get to, so WHOOPS

but here it is now!

So who is ready for some Little Witch Academia and some rarepair nonsense?

I guess I have to keep my brand going even when I'm writing commissions, and there is nothing more on brand for me than the mean girl begrudgingly falling in love for the sunshine girl

Enjoy the Hannakko everyone

Hannah England had had a long day. Barbara was taking part in some big event for writers so she could promote her new book. Which meant Hannah had to go help her set everything up, and keep her from yelling at and/or making out with Lotte. After previous experiences in these events, Hannah had to accept they were both equally possible.

Thankfully she didn’t have to help her best friend stay focused this time. Though she still had to play secretary for her, and also help move several boxes of books around, and spread the word of the event around. The specifics didn’t matter, what mattered was that it was late, she was exhausted, and she needed a drink.

So she let Barbara go make some bad decisions with the cute nerdy witch she liked, and decided to hit the pub instead. She managed to find a nice looking place nearby, with a chill atmosphere. It was the perfect place to get some food, relax, and get slightly drunk. Just what she needed right now.

It was also the perfect place for Hannah to practice her favorite hobby. Judging people. Well, it was actually people watching, but she had a habit of getting mean halfway through, and some people made it too easy. Like that weirdo sitting in the corner with their hood up. Who does that in the middle of a pub? Are they stalking someone?

Hannah already had a whole nasty scenario forming in her head for what this creep was even doing here. But then she noticed a familiar pair of red eyes under that hood, and she simply couldn’t believe who the creepy weirdo was.

“Akko!?” She blurted out, causing the person in the hood to jump up in place and yelp.

“Y-Yeah that’s me,” Akko admitted, pulling down her hood, “you got me. So do you want an autograph or… wait, Hannah?”

“Yeah, it’s me,” Hannah just had to laugh at that reaction, “and why would anyone want your autograph?”

Not waiting to be invited, and not caring if Akko was going to or not, Hannah decided to take a seat at her table, intently watching her old colleague. It had been years since she had last seen Akko and even though she had grown into quite the beautiful woman, she still looked just like the same hyperactive girl she met back at Luna Nova.

“Well I kinda returned magic to the world,” Akko reminded her with a casual shrug, “and I also had a show here just yesterday.”

“Is that what you’re doing here then? Hiding from all the fans?” Hannah asked, and Akko just groaned. Hannah couldn’t hold in the little snicker at that, “and here I thought I’d never see the day Atsuko Kagari didn’t want to be the center of attention.”

Akko pouted, and Hannah noted that she still looked adorable when she was grumpy.

“Hey! Being the center of attention is my job now,” she argued, “I need a break from it every once in a while. Anonymity can be nice sometimes.”

“And you didn’t use transformation magic because…?”

She refused to answer, instead looking away and silently sipping her beer.

“You forgot about it, didn’t you?” Hannah teased.

“I was tired okay!” Akko complained, “you know I don’t think well when I’m tired!”

“Good to see you haven’t changed that much,” she joked.

“Hey, I’m a grown ass woman now,” Akko whined, completely countering her own point, “I have changed a lot.”

“Is that so?” Hannah asked, happy to leave Akko to try to defend herself while she asked the waiter for her own meal.

“For starters, I finally learned how to take a hint when it comes to relationships,” Akko declared proudly.

Hannah at least had the decency to wait for the waiter to leave before shooting her friend a very unconvinced, “really?”

“Yeah, I guess I can’t just pull a Diana with everyone I meet, and just annoy them into being my friends.” she answered, happy to make fun at her own expense there, “I mean you never seemed to fall for my charms.”

“Hah!” Hannah exclaimed, slamming both hands on the table, “I knew you had charmed me! It all makes sense now! I knew that wasn’t a real crush!”

Now it was Akko’s turn to laugh, not a sensible snicker like Hannah’s, but a loud, obnoxious guffaw.

“The other kind of charm, Hannah,” she explained, still laughing a little. Then realization hit her like a truck, “wait…”

Oh no.

“You had a crush on me?” Akko asked, and Hannah died a little inside.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she vehemently denied, trying to look more offended than embarrassed, she was failing. Miserably.

“Oh my god, you had!” Akko declared, absolutely beaming at her.

Hannah refused to respond to these accusations without her lawyer present. Instead she quietly waited for the waiter to bring her food, and tried to have her dinner without making eye contact with Akko, again.

Akko did not respect those efforts one bit.

“So, how does it feel like to finally be on a date with your high school crush?” Akko teased, and Hannah nearly spat her drink.

It took her considerable effort to be able to even swallow with Akko’s shit eating grin trained on her like that. Worst was the fact she knew she probably looked as red as Akko’s eyes right now. Akko’s… really pretty eyes.

Hannah was so doomed.

“What happened to ‘I learned to take a hint’!” She accused, desperate to get the attention away from her.

“I don’t know, it looks like my plan to annoy you into loving me worked,” Akko joked.

“Lies and slander!” Hannah answered, her voice caught somewhere between a squeal and a shout, “I could take you to court on this kind of defamation!”

“Or you could take me on a proper date.” Akko offered, undeterred, “how does friday sound?”

The gall this woman had to look her in the face, and propose something so absurd, so preposterous. This was ridiculous. Completely insane. She did not get to taunt her like this and just get away with it.

No!

Hannah England would not let this stand!

Oh, who was she kidding, she still had it bad for Akko.

So she slumped in her chair, and begrudgingly admitted, “sounds lovely.”

[acklesterritory]

That Kind of Love Never Dies_Chapter 1

Hey guys, Now that more voted to split my fictions in 2 parts, I'm back with the first part. I hope you like it. Don't forget to leave me feedbacks. I'll always appreciate them. Love you all.

This is for writing event @tvdspngirl314

My quote is "That kind of love never dies"

Dean x Reader series (just 2 parts)

This chapter words: ~5k

Series warning:

Angst, fluf, smut, angry Dean, hurt Reader, hurt Dean, there's some more but I hate spoilers so I insist on "Angst & Hurt"

It all started with a stupid argument at home. What was it? Three months ago? Sam couldn't remember the exact date but after years, it was the first time this awkward coldness between Dean and Y/n had started to build. He could remember the first time he and his brother came across Y/n like it was yesterday, they were hunting a very nasty creature who used to kidnap young and lonely women at night, then got them wrapped in ropes and ties on a bed in a warehouse to rape, torture and feed on their blood until the victim either died or accepted to turn into one of his kind.

Sam could remember the helplessness in people's eyes too. The pain of the victims' families, the frustration and anger on cops' faces when no one could find the criminal yet, even after the sixth missing girl.

"Sammy, he just kidnapped another girl. And I think I know where he's gonna take her. Let's hunt this son of a bitch."

When Dean was saying that, Sam never expected him to fall in love with the woman they would save that night. Well, unfortunately they weren't fast enough to prevent any harm to the girl. When they arrived and Dean killed the nasty creature, Y/n was almost dead. The monster had already raped her, tortured her … and when he felt the hunters enter the place, he drank almost all of her blood, to gain more energy to fight. So as always, Dean was up to blaming himself. Of course only in his own eyes, not anyone else's.

"Call Cas to come home. Tell him it's an emergency."

Dean told his brother when he finally could get Y/n out of those ropes. And Sam knew he was right. At that point, no one could save Y/n unless God or his angels. Maybe she was not so lucky coming across a nasty supernatural creature like that but she was lucky enough that Cas arrived just on time and healed her. However, angels can only heal physical wounds. But Y/n was hurt much more than that. She couldn't just move on from the things that the bastard had put her through. Even after Cas tricked her brain to forget some certain things, she still had bad nightmares and had this dark shade of hopelessness in her eyes. Soon, she started to eat and talk less and less. And Dean just couldn't let her go. He really wanted to fix all of that for her but she kept shutting him out… until the depression hit her. It was so bad that Cas felt the need to tell them to prepare themselves for her death. Because after all those days and unlike everything else in their lives, The Winchesters were already used to her presence around them; like the way a lonely person can get used to a wounded cat more and faster than anyone else.

"I'm not gonna hunt until I'm sure she can live her normal life." When Dean stated that, Sam really thought he was joking. But after a few days he started to believe it. Dean truly would do anything to keep her alive. From cooking vegetables to laughing at his own dad jokes in front of Y/n to make her smile. That was when Sam started to feel that they can be more than a random hunter/rescued victim relationship! It felt like his brother had finally found his motivation in life: "Saving Y/n."

Gradually Y/n started to respond to this special attention from Dean with trust and smiles. Soon they became a power couple that could motivate each other so easily that sometimes Charlie would call them out. And honestly Sam had no problem with it. In fact Y/n had become his other sister.

"My God, Dean! You're burning up!" It was two day after a werewolf hunt in which Dean had got hurt. At first it was just some scratches on his arms and chest. Yet as the time passed, more symptoms started to appear: headache, pain, fever, cold sweat, even nose bleeding and before they could figure it out, Dean fell unconscious. Apparently the claws of the werewolf were poisonous. However Sam wasn't sure. The only thing he got no doubts about was the fact that it was already too late. Dean couldn't make it to the hospital. So either Sam had to do anything possible to save him or Cas should've picked up his God damn phone.

"No. no, no, no, no. Dean … Dean!!!"

That was when Sam got to hear Y/n's helpless cry and see her true feelings. She was already in love with his brother.

Luckily, unlike typical love stories; no one died that night. Sam's antidote worked. And Dean opened his eyes an hour later.

"Sammy … Y/n?" As soon as the words were out of his mouth, Y/n grabbed his face and put her thirsty lips on her beloved hunter's, letting the tears stream down on her face… and then his.

"Never do that again." She begged, breaking the kiss, her trembling hands holding Dean's face so she could look into his eyes.

Sam couldn't stop his smile remembering how cute they were. Y/n literally had Dean wrapped around her little finger, to the point he accepted to teach her how to hunt and soon she was part of their team too. Until … a few months ago. After two years of them being constantly close to each other, Sam could tell something was off when Dean started to go out without eating breakfast with Y/n. Of course she got suspicious after the third time and that was when their endless arguments started.

"Why don't you just tell me what's wrong?"

"Because nothing is wrong, Y/n."

Actually there was. Something was VERY wrong. Anyone could tell that just by the change in Dean's eyes whenever he wanted to look at Y/n. Day by day he was getting more quiet and cold. Now they didn't even eat pie together or watch movies late at night. And Sam couldn't ignore his brother being grumpy or drunk on hunts, not anymore.

"Ok man, I've had enough. You either tell me what's wrong with you or next time I won't make any excuses so you can leave Y/n out of our hunt plans. I'm serious, Dean, I'll tell her the truth." He finally said, when they were alone in the impala, on their way to do their next hunt.

"She wants more."

"More?"

"Yeah. Sometimes it's like she sees more in me. She thinks we can have a different life. There's no need for any saying, I can see it in her eyes whenever we accidentally come across some family at a diner that try to feed their kids or people's wedding photos whenever we go to talk with some witnesses or whoever during the research! Sometimes she even looks up wedding dresses or kid stuff on the net!" Dean blew his anger out of his nostrils and sighed, shaking his head.

"Wow." Sam couldn't find the proper word to say but he couldn't hide his surprised face either.

"What?" Dean gave him an annoyed look.

"I mean …" Sam chuckled. "… are you telling me you're actually angry with her for imagining the things you always dream about?!"

"Sam …"

"No, really. I'm just curious. What's wrong with you, man?" Sam asked genuinely, waiting for an answer.

"What's wrong with me?! You think something is wrong with me just because I'm the rational one in this relationship; who's actually able to see the difference between a dream and the reality?"

Yeah, anyone could take that earnest speech, but not Sam. He'd seen and knew enough about his brother.

"What's the reality? Aren't you and Y/N living that dream life already?"

"What?! No. No … that's not the same." Dean shook his head.

"Really? How is it not? It's been two years, Dean. You two are constantly with and/or around each other. Always worried when the other one is in trouble and still looking at one another like there is nothing in the world that can make you happy as much as this relationship. So … excuse me if I won't buy your pretty speech; man ." Sam said, Rolling his eyes.

"Ok, let's say you're right but ... is it gonna be like that forever? With all the supernatural crap that we have to take care of … and the constant danger and chaos in this hunter life we have… I …"

"You what?" Sam asked when Dean didn't finish his sentence. He was lost in his thoughts, staring at this unknown point in the depth of the road. Finally he blew out his despair.

"I just can't let her fall for the things I know I can't provide for her. It's not fair, Sammy. It's not fair to lock her up in this dark life with me just because she loves me … especially while I know there is a whole bright future out there waiting for her."

"Here we go, the old Dean's self-doubt" Sam thought to himself as he took a deep breath before finding the best words to wake his brother up from this nightmare

"Yeah, I know but I don't think it's your call. If Y/n wants to go to hell with you instead of living in heaven with someone else, it's her choice. Not your responsibility. Right?"

Dean shook his head while his lips curved up a little to fake a smile but he never answered or said anything about that conversation ever again. He kept his silence for like three weeks … until someone new showed up: "Gary Smith". A tall man with the most stylish haircut and the most perfect teeth and smile.

They saw him for the first time at their hangout bar, as the new bartender who almost jumped in Y/n's way as soon as they entered the bar.

"Oh my God, bunny! Is this really you?" He said, pulling her in his embrace. Like she was the long time missing piece of his beloved puzzle!

"Bonny? You're wrong. Her name is Y/n." Dean said, pretty annoyed by the way Gary tightened his arms around Y/n's little shoulders, making him chuckle.

"No, uh … it's just a nickname." Y/n said as soon as the guy let her go.

"Yeah, actually the most fitting nickname that I could think of. I mean … you have to agree. She got the most cute little ears in the world." The guy explained, chuckling and pulling on her little star earring. Well, if Sam wanted to be honest, he had to agree with him. He never paid any attention to it before but now that Gary mentioned it, he could tell Y/n's ears were truly small.

"I see … So … I guess this means you were close friends?" Dean said, already hating the way Y/n e's blushed with hearing her old nickname.

"Uh … well, no. Actually more than that." The guy grinned, ruffling his own hair while he was awkwardly laughing and looking at Y/n. Just like a proud embarrassed teen!

"We used to date." Y/n said.

*oh* Sam tried his best not to let that stupid grin sit on his lips but Dean's frown and his sudden heavy silence didn't let him do so.

"Yeah. We are kinda each other's first. Like … you know? prom date." The man added, giving Y/n a wink while Dean's gaze was still locked on his large arm around her shoulders.

"Yeah. It's been years, Gary."

"I know. But believe me, bunny. you still look the same." He said, bending to put a kiss on her right cheek.

Dean would kill him. Sam just knew that. Because his brother's eyes were already burning with jealousy.

"By the way, don't you wanna tell me who these gentlemen are ?" The guy asked Y/n, giving her his softest smile.

"Of course. This is Sam and this is Dean. My colleagues who are my friends now. I live in their place."

After they met, everything got even more complicated. Y/n, the girl who was still trying to get old-happy-days Dean back suddenly stopped whatever she used to do. No more complains, no waiting at nights to see Dean before going to bed, no more effort to get involved in hunts, no nothing. And despite what Dean had claimed before, it was making Dean even more frustrated. Day to day he and Y/n were getting colder towards each other and there was nothing he could do to fix it. That was what made him even more furious. Sam already knew all of that and he still had to live with both of those grumpy faces. So last night when they began to fight, he could see this was coming: Y/n left the bunker after Dean let some hurtful things out of his mouth, just because he didn't know how to deal with all the heartache anymore. He now was convinced that Y/n didn't love him anymore. Yet the next day after drinking whatever strong drink they had, he begged Sam to come with him. Apparently Jodie texted Dean about Y/n being in her place for that night. Just to make sure that her crazy step son won't sell his soul over a tracking spell! So Dean almost begged his brother to be there with him, cause Dean believed that as much as Y/n didn't care about him, she still respected Sam and cared about him. Like a little sister and her elder brother.

So here they were, In Jodie's living room, in front of her and Y/n.

"Considering your sleepy eyes, I think we caught you at bed time, huh?" Sam asked, checking Y/n's obvious eye bags.

"Who says that? I'm totally good, Sam."

She said with a small smile, looking much more in control and stronger than before. So Sam knew it was a lie. Y/n Just had made her peace with what had happened last night. The realization۹ kicked Dean in the gut. Y/n always used to be stronger and bolder when she got hurt.

"I'm gonna make some coffee for us. Why don't you guys take a seat till I come back?"

Jodie interrupted, to ease the heavy and sharp silence that suddenly had fallen over all of them.

Y/n gave her a smile.

"Of course."

It was so fake. Her smile didn't even curl her lips completely. She was still badly hurting.

Sam swore in his head when he looked over his brother who sank silently into the nearest seat at the end of the table like a broken shell that he was too . One of Dean's hands was in the pocket of his jacket, the other formed a fist on the table. Sam was sure Dean knew it too. He knew everything was almost past saving. "Almost". Sam tried to stick to their small chance.

"So …" He cleared his voice before he put some (semi fake) hope into his words."You're … you're gonna come back home today or did Alex and Claire made you promise them otherwise?" He laughed and tried to make it funny but the truth was he asked this for Dean's sake, knowing he already was struggling to find the words … to let Y/n know how much he wanted her back … to ask her to come back.

"To be honest … I don't think I can live in the bunker anymore." Y/n said and as Dean's head snapped up to look at her in horror, she raised her hand to stop his (likely) protests.

"I applied for a job 3 weeks ago and to my surprise they called me this morning to tell me I'd actually got it."

*What?*

No one had to ask it. The question was already hung in the air. She snored mockingly in her nose. "Perfect timing, right?"

She moved her gaze from her interlocked fingers on the table to Dean's eyes.

He didn't answer, he didn't move but he got tense. Still staring back at Y/n.

"Why didn't you tell us?" Sam asked, once again saving Dean from asking the question he was itching to ask with some other words that for sure couldn't be nice.

"I wanted to but I didn't think I could actually get it and even if I did, I never figured out how to tell you. Besides, I never considered the "move out" option before..." She looked at Sam for a second before she turned her gaze on Dean. "... But I actually appreciate that you bring it up. I think now I can take the advice. I'm gonna move on."

Sam's heart dropped in his stomach when he heard those words. Because he knew what this meant. It felt something like having to watch Dean get stabbed in the heart.

"Is this … because of that Bartender?" Dean asked, staring deadly at Y/n with his bloodshot eyes. He was already chewing on his bottom lip. And Sam knew a heavy storm was on its way to hit them.

"I don't want to answer that question."

*shit*

"Why? Because you can't just simply say no?" Dean scolded and Sam could see how it pushed on Y/n boundaries.

"No. Because it's not your fucking business and it's not Gary's business either. But at least he knows his limits."

*well, fuck*

"By "limits" you mean when he drools on you just because for God knows whatever the reason, you started to wear leather jackets when we go there?"

"WHAT?!"

*Oh, fuck* Sam thought to himself, watching Y/n rise from her seat.

"You think … you really think that I …" she laughed nervously and Sam could tell she would punch Dean in the face if she wasn't a sweet, super nice person.

"How you can even …"

"I can even what, Y/n? Are we now going to pretend like I'm a blind man who can't see how you got attracted to your ex again? Did you really think I couldn't see how your hands were shaking when his filthy face lighted up by seeing you for the first time after all these years?"

Sam wanted to interrupt him or at least leave the room but everything was happening so fast.

"So what? Why and since when you care about my private life?"

"Since you stopped drinking bunker's beers just because you rather drink those crappy poisonous cocktails he makes at the bar!"

Dean was on his feet now as well. And despite his will, Sam couldn't stop his smile. He never saw his brother this jealous before. It was fun.

"Poisonous? … You … of all people, you are the one who says this? cause as much as I know, you're the one who puts dormitives in my guest's food so the poor guy gets tired and can't spend his time with me!"

"Yeah, because your poor guy is not welcomed in MY PLACE!" Dean yelled, punching the table with so much power that made everyone almost jump out of their skins.

"Dean!" Finally Sam interrupted but as soon as he stood up, someone rang the doorbell and Sam could hear Jodie welcoming someone inside.

"Guys … I know it's not my place to interfere but you two really need to sort things out somewhere private … of course that's when both of you can be much calmer than this."

"No, we have nothing to say or to talk about, anymore. Your brother was clear enough when he said he wants me to move out, so I'll move out. And that's it."

Y/n declared, looking at Sam to resist any eye contact with Dean, probably to make him even more crazy.

"And that's it? You wanna ignore that part where you were too eager and ready to accept that suggestion and leave the bunker instantly like your pants were on fire?!"

Dean retorted while Y/n was shaking her head like she couldn't believe him.

"Whose pants are on fire?" Jodie interrupted as soon as she re-entered the room with the coffees she'd made, this time a man was with her. Y/n's guy. The famous bartender.

*Oh, No!*

Sam sighed, closing his eyes for a second so the guy couldn't read his face.

"Obviously not mine." Dean hissed through his teeth, looking first at the guy and then at Y/n with such a disappointment and rage that no one could ignore.

"Hey, what's wrong?" The guy asked, choosing the worst spot to stand on: right next to Y/n.

"My typical life I guess. Nothing's new." She mumbled in reply to him but her eyes were still on Dean.

"No, nothing is wrong with your life, Y/n. It's about your choices. That's what's wrong with you. As always." Dean said bitterly. As sharp as a knife, as cold as ice. Sam could see how it drained color from Y/n's face.

"You better watch your mouth, buddy." The Gary guy warned Dean and Sam could tell that if it wasn't for the sudden thud sound that stole everyone's attention, Dean would throw a fight right there. But …

"Y/n!" Jodie almost screamed. Y/n was laying on the floor, seemingly unconscious.

"Oh, God." Sam said as Jodie rushed to her.

"Y/n? … Y/n can you hear me?"

As she sat next to her, Gary's fingers already were on Y/n's carotid pulse point. So Sam couldn't stop himself from looking up at his brother, who was still standing where he was. In shock.

"Oh, shit!" Gary's worried voice made Sam check Y/n's pale face again but Jodie was the one to dare ask the question which was on everyone's minds.

"What? What's wrong?"

"Her pulse ... too faint." He said before turning to Dean: "Is she bleeding?"

"Bleeding?" Dean blinked and mumbled in confusion.

If it was up to Sam, he'd ask *What bleeding?* & *Why are you asking this from my brother?*

"Oh my. You still don't know. Do you?" Gary sneered.

"Know what? What's happening?" Jodie was freaking out now and Sam actually felt the same. He didn't like the way this stranger pretended like he knew her better than them. However what happened next was much more unexpected. And … rude!

To everyone's surprise, the guy reached out to Y/n's jeans and drew his hand between her legs but before anyone could react, he spread her legs open so it could be possible for everyone to see that big red stain there. Then he raised his hand. It was all wet and red in blood!

"She's having a miscarriage." He revealed.

Sam's gaze instantly caught Dean's ... Burning. Dean was burning inside with his heavy silence.

"Don't you worry. It's not mine." Gary added more fuel to that hell with such a mocking tone, staring right back at Dean's eyes.

Now Sam could feel it. The storm was there: rising in his brother's roar!

Before Sam could've moved any muscles, Gary was already pinned to the wall, Dean's hands on his now-ripped-out collar.

"Dean, no!" Sam jumped in, trying to catch his brother's arm before his fist make any contact with the guy's nose but all he could do was changing the direction of the punch which landed on Gary's shoulder, making a painful cracking sound.

"I said no … Dean, stop it." Sam had to literally cage Dean in his arms so the furious man couldn't tear Gary apart.

"Get off me, Sam. This son of a bitch has to learn his place."

"Enough!" As Dean just broke himself free, Jodie's scream stopped everyone in their tracks.

"It's enough!" Jodie warned all three men, pointing at them one by one.

"You want to fight? Not here. Not in my house!"

"But ..."

As soon as Dean opened his mouth to protest, Jodie cut him:

"And you … you should know Y/n is pregnant with your twins. So … you'll be a responsible man who will try his best to save them or you can get the hell out of here and never come back!"

"What?" Sam was too shocked to suppress his reaction while Dean couldn't even find any words to say. His confused look darted between Jodie's face and Y/n's figure while his parted lips kept moving without making any noise, just like a dying fish on the shore!

"I promised her not to tell anyone but it was a promise under normal conditions, not this." Jodie sighed, struggling to keep her emotions under control. Sam saw the worry in her frown. Like a real mother, worried for her children. However it was nothing in comparison to his brother's blank eyes and pale face.

"Dean, It's ok. We just need to take her to hospital. … it's ok, man. I promise."

He had to grab Dean by his jacket, as his brother was struggling to process all of these in his head.

"Come on, man. We got no time. Do I need to do this alone or you'll …"

"Get the car, Sammy."

It was just a simple sentence. Yet it had enough power to make Sam's heart sank. Since Dean had put the car keys in his hand saying that, Sam couldn't stop thinking about that tone. Dean never had called Baby a "car" In years. And Sam had never heard that crack in his voice since their Dad's death.

"You ok?" He finally let himself ask, two hours after they arrived at the hospital.

"I want to be." Dean closed his eyes and put his head against the cold wall, letting the dim light to darken the shadows under his eyes.

"I'm sure she'll be good. She's strong, Dean. You know that."

He smiled and Sam looked away not to watch him. He knew that smile. Dean used to give him that, whenever everything was gone so wrong that Dean couldn't promise him anything good. Like when both of them were still kids. Hungry, cold and all alone in a rusty motel room where John had left them on their own for a one day long hunt but then a heavy snow had crashed the roads and kept them apart for half a week. So Dean had to wash the dishes and do the laundry in the motel to rent the room for another day and provide some snacks so they wouldn't starve to death. But after three days, the hotel managers didn't want them to be around. And Sam could vividly remember that smile on his brother's face when he asked: *Where should we go then?*

"You were always such a father material. You know?"

Sam admitted with a broken smile on his face.

"You were always responsible, kind and caring with me as a kid. And I can't imagine anyone who deserves to be a father more than you."

Dean took a deep breath and opened his eyes without looking at him: "But I don't want ... I really can't, Sammy."

All, it certainly wasn't the response Sam had expected. He used to believe that Dean would never turn down any chance to start a family with Y/n. Especially after everything in the world was back to normal.

"Are you kidding me? You always wanted this."

"No …" Dean finally turned his gaze to meet his brother's confused eyes. "No, Sammy. Not like this. I don't want to raise another kid without his mom. I'm not that strong anymore."

Dang. Once again Sam's heart dropped in his stomach. Dean was really helpless.

"Mr. Winchester?"

Dean was on his feet as Sam just realized the doctor's presence.

"It's me."

Sam prayed for any good news as doctor took a glance of Dean and fixed his glasses on his face …

"To be continued …"

READ CHAPTER 2 HERE

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@jay-and-dean @adoptdontshoppets @akshi8278

The next and also ultimate chapter will post on Sunday, April 25. Thanks for reading.

Feedback are always appreciated.

[aetheternity]

Hard Pass P3 (Levi X Reader)

Synopsis: Levi is forced out of his comfy dorm room and in a strange twist of events right into your arms at a college party.

Levi was relieved for the silence as he clicked away at his keyboard. Mike had gone to his only late class of the entire week. Which meant Levi could actually study in his room.

The scent of tea and the small aroma diffuser on his desk as well as the open window in front of him welcomed a nice calming smell that was normally masked by Mike's gym bags and sweaty clothes. Which reminded Levi of the laundry he would have to do soon.

He pressed his tea cup to his lips feeling a twinge of irritation as he was interrupted by two knocks on the door. He looked down at the time. 6:15. A little too early for Mike to be back complaining that he'd forgotten his keys.

Then it was probably one of his girls complaining that she'd left her shit in the room. If Levi had a dollar for the amount of times that had happened he could pay for a new roommate.

The next couple knocks were a bit louder. "Levi? It's Y/N.."

Y/N?!

His face practically exploded. He stood far too fast because just as quickly he was flopping over his stupid desk chair and hitting the floor with a hard thud. He gasped audibly tugging at his knee and gritting his teeth.

"Levi? Are you ok?" Came her voice again.

He pulled himself up with a huff and staggered over to the door. Unsurprisingly he had to limp. With a quick turn of the lock he yanked open the door right into his forehead. God fucking dammit.

He groaned in a mix of fury and disgust partially because he'd idiotically stood so close when opening the door and partially because he hated the stupid inanimate object.

"Oh my god! Are you ok?" Y/N gasped, squeezing herself inside and shutting the door behind her. "Let me see? Did you hit your eye?" She asked

Her fingers were so delicate as she brushed aside his hands. So close.. Her thumb traced the already appearing red spot on his forehead. Soo close.. She brushed his hair to the side cupping his cheeks to gently reposition his head towards the light. Close....

She breathed out a little chuckle. "It's probably gonna bruise."

Levi barely registered her words. Occupied with her beautiful eyes illuminating moonlight and the dim lights in his room. His lips parted ever so slightly. When her hands fell away he gulped and jerked his head back. Trying to find literally anything to take the edge off.

"I'll.. go find you an ice pack, ok?" Y/N began already heading for the door.

"K-knee.." Levi tried and mentally cursed himself.

"Huh?" She asked, turning back.

"M-my.. t-two please.."

Her smile was gentle, "Two ice packs. Got it." And with a little wave she was out the door. Her lingering touch still causing heat to pool in Levi's chest.

~~~~

"Aww sweetie, are you sure you're ok?"

He was not. Definitely not. One of her hands was on his uninjured knee and the other was brushing his hair away from the ice pack. He didn't even know if he'd breathed in the last 20 minutes. His brain echoing the word sweetie.

The two of you had been sat on his bed as he uncomfortably laid his head back on the wall. Trying and failing to not fixate on your touch. Every brush of your fingertips was downright intoxicating.

"You look kinda red. Do you wanna try seeing a doctor or something?"

"N-no.." It was barely audible but he knew she heard when she nodded.

If there was a hole nearby he would crawl into it and never come out. Though he also didn't wanna move as the fear of making this situation worse for himself stayed ever present.

"Let me see?" He partially removed the ice pack from his forehead, spine tingling over the way she sucked in a breath. "You should be more careful."

Levi didn't answer. Just squeezed his legs closer together and sighed. In all the time he'd been in this room he'd never hit himself in the face with the door. Just what kind of power did this girl have over him.

"I know because my little cousin has done stuff like this but you should put some cream on the bump so that it doesn't get redder and it'll go down faster."

Little cousin? That wasn't a fair comparison. Little kids do stupid things cause they're kids. Did she think about him that way? Uggghhhh.

He was yanked from his thoughts by her hand coming down to squeeze his. "Are you positive you're ok? Do you need anything else?"

"I-I'm fine.."

Just as Levi said that his attention was brought to the door. Mike had barely stepped into the room and he was already grinning like a fucking idiot.

"Well, hello." He greeted, stepping closer. "Levi, you didn't tell me you were inviting anyone over. Especially not a pretty girl."

Y/N's chuckle was nervous, "Hello, you must be Levi's roommate." She stuck her hand out which Mike immediately took placing one hand on top of their joined hands.

"And you must be Y/N." He said "I've heard so much about you."

His teasing was met with a glare that could slice concrete. If Levi had known Mike was gonna come straight back to the room he definitely would've gotten rid of Y/N sooner.

"Oh? Really?" Y/N turned to look at Levi behind her. "You told him about me?" It was a split second thing but Levi could've sworn her features softened.

"Oh, no I meant Hange." Mike replied

"Oh."

Oh? Was she disappointed? It sounded disappointed? Did she want Levi to talk about her?

"But at no point did Hange tell me you were this pretty. Neither did Levi honestly, I'm kinda disappointed."

Alright that's enough of that. Levi stood. Placing the ice packs on his bed.

"You should probably leave." He gritted his teeth at how harshly it came out.

Now Mike was letting go of Y/N's hand. "Oh wait! I came to get my phone. Hange said you had it."

Levi blinked. He'd almost forgotten about that. It had been sitting on his desk since yesterday. His knee was screeching in absolute horror as he staggered his way over to his desk.

"What the hell happened to you?" Mike asked, clearly trying to hold back a snicker.

"Aw, it was an accident. I scared him."

Levi returned with the phone shooting daggers into Mike who pretended not to notice.

"Thank you." She breathed a sigh of relief.

"Y-yeah.."

"Did you put your number into it?"

Levi's face perked up a little. "Yes."

"Ok, then I'll text you later." She assured, brushing her finger tips over his forehead once again. "Goodnight boys." And with those last words she took off.

"Faking an injury?! I didn't think you had it in you!" Mike celebrated as soon as she was gone.

"Dickhead." Levi scoffed.

"Hey, is that any way to talk to the best friend who just confirmed your biggest fear moot?" Mike plopped down on his bed with a playful huff.

Levi flopped down into his desk chair, staring up at the ceiling. "One you're definitely not my best friend especially after that shit. And two I'm not you I don't fake shit to get girls."

"That would totally be hurtful if it wasn't true." Mike shrugged "I meant the fact that she doesn't have a boyfriend."

Levi practically flipped himself out of his chair. "How do you assume that."

"Simple. Hange told me about her ex boyfriend. By the way it was probably that guy that took her from the library that day. And Hange says that a lot of guys find Y/N attractive. Because of this her ex got too overprotective and they broke up. But he had no reason to be because Y/N would always tell people she had a boyfriend or at least around Hange she did."

Levi stared at his barely drunk tea. The liquid probably cold after being left on the table so long. So she had dated that guy.. He had been so tall and pretty muscular looking, was that her type? She didn't seem like she was going to get back together with him.. but he was still around.

"All I'm saying is she seems loyal. You better snatch her up before someone else does or she gets back together with her ex."

His attention was drawn away by his phone softly buzzing on his table. He pressed the on button, swiping his pin and clicking the notification as it popped up.

Hey Levi, it's Y/N.

Listen ik you said you're ok but I bought you some cream just in case. I'll bring it to you tm ;)

His heart fluttered and ached remembering her touch and her kind words. If he didn't full blown know Mike was staring at him he would probably hug his phone.

~~~~

Too much time had passed and suddenly the whole school was on break. Levi had been dreading this. Not because he was a workaholic like Mike claimed but because he knew Hange was gonna drag him away and make him vacation.

And no form of vacation could possibly be more relaxing for him than curling up in bed with some books, doing some casual cleaning, and drinking tea with light music playing at all times. Mike was definitely going home during this time so it'd be the perfect way to spend his break.

But Hange's family owned a couple lodges and that meant another year of begging for Levi to come ski and freeze his fingers and toes off.

"Come on, Levi!"

"Absolutely not."

"Erwin!" Hange called to him where he sat on Levi's bed, scrolling through his phone.

"You knew he was going to say no." Erwin replied

"Which is why I brought you to help me make my case." Hange complained

"You clearly made an error in judgment then." Erwin retorted

Mike laughed from where he was laying on his own bed. "Might as well give it up Hange, Levi is just too stubborn about this. We all know he wants to be close to all my junk while I'm gone cause he'll miss me."

"I wouldn't hesitate to tell your stalker where you're going over break." Levi spat

"She'll figure it out anyway. She's a high class stalker. And I'm not her first." The room fell in uncomfortable silence but Mike just leaned back giving his full attention to his phone screen.

"That disturbing remark aside.." Erwin began shaking his head. "I'm going."

"And that's supposed to change my mind? How'd Hange force you into it?"

"It may stun you but I chose to go through with this all on my own. There are studies that claim it's good for the mind to get away from normality during breaks or away from your comfort zone to properly clear your mind. It'll also help you make less mistakes when classes resume."

Hange smiled, "Yes, that's exactly what I was thinking."

Levi rolled his eyes. "If I go you can't beg me next year." Hange's loud shrill screeching made Levi's heart drop out of his ass.

"Finally!!" Hange screamed in excitement as she wrapped her arms around Levi's neck.

"Get off already! You're such a pest!"

And that was how Levi ended up on a train for almost three long hours with Hange blabbering on about nothing and Erwin sat in the seat across from the two of them listening to podcasts while staring out the window of his own very sad music video.

And all of the crap Erwin had spewed about getting away being more relaxing proved to be completely from the ass as Levi shivered along wrapped in two scarves, a pair of gloves, his long green coat that fell around his ankles and a winter hat plopped over his ears.

"Walk faster Levi! Is that the best your little legs can do?!" Hange called, somehow racing her way up the slope with three bags. One that wasn't even hers

Levi grunted in irritation. Not only were they walking up a hill but it was covered in snow so deep that every step felt like he was falling.

"Do you need help?" Erwin asked, not waiting for Levi to respond as he hoisted the overnight bag off his shoulders.

Levi just huffed. "I swear Hange was made in a lab."

"As possible as that is, Hange was basically raised in the snow so this is the equivalent of dust for her." Erwin replied as the two of them trudged along.

"Her parents own multiple ski lodges why the hell did we go to the one up a fucking hill."

"The other closest one was more than 6 hours away. Did you really wanna be stuck on a train with Hange for more than 6 hours?"

Levi just groaned as they finally walked through the surprisingly big doors of the huge ski lodge. Hange raced over to the front desk as Erwin slipped onto the lobby couch, followed by Levi who was still kicking snow off his boots and his second bag.

"What's in that bag?" Erwin questioned, nodding to the luggage Levi had yanked over his lap.

He exhaled loudly giving the bag a couple soft pats. "Clothes, extra boots, extra gloves, two bottles of cleaner and a small box of tea as well as some light reading material."

"When are you gonna have time to read? We're going to be skiing most of the time we're here."

"If you think I'm getting on a ski lift you have less working brain cells than Hange."

Erwin smirked with a roll of his eyes, "Alrighty then, what's in this bag."

"All of the shit that didn't fit in this bag, toothpaste, toothbrush, cologne, extra pairs of underwear-"

"Woah, Levi you can't just talk about your underwear in a public space." Erwin chuckled at his own joke.

Levi rolled his eyes, "It's bad for your health to hang around Mike as often as you do."

"How is it you're not dead yet then?" Erwin retorted

Hange had been chatting up the receptionist for almost 15 minutes, bouncing up and down in front of the desk and indulging him in the stories of their travel up here. The man just gave her a sheepish grin and honestly Levi felt a little bad for the man but a little less when he thought about how it wasn't his problem anymore.

Moblit.. his name tag read. Somehow Hange's mannerism seemed more crazed with him if that was even possible.

"Yeah.. it has been so long." He heard the man say. You got.. taller..

"We're never getting out of this lobby are we?" Erwin sighed as the two continued to chatter on. Levi and Erwin stared as Hange continued on about her car with a surprising amount of engagement from the other party. "You know they kind of remind me of you and-"

"Hey, Hange!" Erwin cut himself off as a brown haired girl that Levi instantly recognized hopped down each step, a bald boy following her. And Levi believed he remembered them from Y/N's stories as Connie and Sasha who he remembered from the party.

"Hange, what're you doing here?" He asked as the brown haired girl gave her a hug.

"My family owns the lodge so I brought Erwin and Levi for the break!" Hange said, pulling Connie into side hug that he immediately reciprocated.

"Oh god! Why didn't you tell me your plans for break? Jean would've driven all of us up here and you wouldn't have had to waste gas."

Hange just shook her head. "It's quite alright I was already out of gas so we just took the train up here."

"You didn't put gas in your car again?" Connie asked

"Wait, if you guys came then does that mean Y/N is here?" Hange asked completely dodging Connie's question.

At her name Levi bounced out of his seat. Almost launching himself into the spot next to Erwin. Pulling his hat over his eyes and sliding his back as far into the chair as he could.

"What's up with you?" Erwin questioned

"I embarrassed myself last time I was with Y/N.."

"What? Didn't she buy you cream like a month ago?"

"Y-yeah." Levi shimmied his feet together as he slid further down in his seat.

Erwin's chuckle next to him made him grimace. "I know you don't really get it Levi. But uh, making an ass out of yourself in front of your crush is the first real hurdle to knowing you've got it bad."

"Shut up.."

"It could've been worse.. You could've accidentally injured her. Or got caught by the loud mouth in your class while writing her first name and your last name in a notebook."

"Sounds like a personal story.." Levi replied, inching the hat off his eyes to look up at Erwin.

Erwin scoffed, "Point is it happens." He said with a roll of his eyes.

Levi let out a little snicker that instantly got caught in his throat. It had never occurred to him that he'd actually paid attention to the romance movies he'd seen a hundred times with his mother. But now that Y/N was walking down the stairs it was like a scene from all of those movies combined.

Her smile just as warm as always. Turtleneck sweater hugging her features along with dark blue jeans and brown boots. Each step felt slower than the last as if everything in this particular room had been put on the slowest speed imaginable.

The butterflies in his stomach swarmed like they were all chasing after one specific thing. Everytime she appeared somehow it was different.

"We're still going skiing today right?" Connie questioned as Y/N stopped on the last stair.

"If Jean's up to it sure." She replied, her cheeks flushed like she'd just walked in from outside.

"Well this is gonna be a fun weekend." Erwin said but Levi didn't even register his words. His heart stammering in his chest. "Go make a fool out of yourself." Erwin nudged

"Hey Jean! Come on!" Connie said

"Yeah, Jean I'm hungry!" Called Sasha

Levi's heart stopped, his chest crumbling in on itself. The same guy from before.. just as soon a loud crash sounded and everyone turned all at once.

"Oh god are you ok?!" Y/N was the first person by Hange's side followed by Moblit from behind the counter.

Hange let out a laugh, wincing as she pulled herself up with Moblit and Y'N's help.

"I'll be ok. Just took a little spill." She continued to laugh.

Erwin was soon standing by her side. "Are you sure, you're alright? Your face is super red.."

A momentary lapse in Hange's facial features made Erwin step back a little. "Shut up Erwin." She huffed

"You fell on your side. You should rest a little bit." Moblit said, coming closer. "Just.. in case."

"Ok.." Hange replied

Y/N seemed to relax at this information. Her gaze immediately falling on Levi surprisingly. He really hoped he didn't outwardly wince.

"Hi, Levi." She spoke plainly giving Erwin a small greeting as well before her, Connie, Sasha, and Jean were leaving the lobby.

Hange and Erwin unsurprisingly crowded into Levi's room about five minutes after the whole ordeal. But Levi couldn't even bring himself to wipe one thing down like he'd wanted to. He just laid still on the bed, eyes planted to the ceiling.

Surprisingly Hange had also stayed silent. Her eyes shut where she laid next to Levi.

"I can't believe you broke the handle on my luggage Hange." Erwin called still sat on the floor holding his luggage in one hand and the handle in the other. Pressing the broken part of the handle to his bag as if it'd be that simple to fix.

"Now what am I supposed to do?"

"It broke my fall Erwin. Be grateful."

"For what exactly?"

"I don't know!"

Levi blinked, his gaze falling on Hange for the first time since she took that spill in the lobby. Her hands were crossed over her stomach, thumbs rubbing the spot where she fell.

"Are you alright or not?" Levi questioned

"I'm fine."

"Ok, I know why Levi's upset but why're you?" Erwin chimed up

"What's Levi upset about?"

"What else? Y/N."

"Uggggghhh Levvviiiii why don't you just ask her out already?" Hange said

Levi sat up on the bed pulling his feet into his chest. Shoes long gone, pushed up against the wall as soon as they'd walked into the room.

"I'm not talking about this shit anymore this week."

"Levi, if we're staying here all of this week and next then chances are she's also staying here all week and next. Which means somewhere in here is a perfect opportunity to-"

"Get in her bed." Hange interrupted

"Or something less crass." Erwin suggested "You did pack condoms in your emergency undies bag right?"

"Did you pack a spare handle in yours?"

Hange's obnoxious laughter was almost loud enough to muffle the low knocks on the door. Her irritating jabs to Levi's shoulder quickly halting when Levi grabbed her fingers.

"Who is it?" Erwin asked, one hand on the door.

"It's Y/N.."

Now Hange stopped laughing. Erwin shrugged as he looked back at both of them before pulling the door open.

"Hey, here." Y/N sounded filled with fatigue as she handed over a small bottle to Erwin.

"Oh! Thank you! Where'd you get this?" Erwin smiled with delight immediately flopping back down next to his bag.

"Jean carries around extra strength glue because Connie always manages to break something fragile." Y/N replied "I doubt it'll work but maybe it'll help a little?"

Erwin nodded happily as Y/N turned to look at Hange. Her hands balled up and her fingers fidgeting where she was pulling at them.

"How's your rib Hange?"

"It's ok now, thanks for asking."

Y/N nodded and at this moment everyone in the room was looking at Levi who automatically felt extremely naked.

"Levi um.. can I talk to you? In the hall?"

Levi didn't know if he had nodded in his head or in real life but he was swiftly moving across the room. Passing Y/N where she stood and then holding the door open as she walked out just behind him. The door shut behind the two of them and if Levi felt naked before the feeling out here was somehow worse.

"What happened?"

Levi could hear the slightly muffled footsteps on the other side of the door and even a whispered Hange as Y/N spoke. His hands felt both too dry and wet all at once as he looked into her mildly menacing gaze.

"Wh- where wh-when.."

"You barely said anything to me after I brought the cream for your forehead. What happened? Did I do something wrong?"

Oh god how can she possibly assume that? Levi felt his stomach clench. He had never had it easy with text, which was why he pretty much always called everyone.

"I-I didn't mean.. it um.." He shuffled his feet a bit now remembering that he still had no shoes on.

Y/N sighed. "I wanna be your friend Levi. Please tell me you want that too."

With a deep breath he replied, "Call me."

"When?"

"Anytime.. I'm a bad t-texter.."

When her facial features softened Levi felt his shoulders finally sag for the first time since he'd heard her name in the lobby. "Ok.. oh ok, that's all it was? I thought I did something wrong. I'm glad we talked."

And Levi was barely registering her hands wrapping around his shoulders. Her body pressing oh so comfortably close to his. Hand sliding over his back, scent overwhelming his nose. And then just as soon it was all being taken away.

"I'll call you, ok?"

"Ok.." Levi's hand was still waving long after she'd already disappeared out of plain view.

"Oh god you're her friend!" Hange laughed the door suddenly yanked open behind Levi.

"It's as cute as it is sad." Erwin clicked his teeth.

"Tch, shut up." Levi stomped back into the room.

"Levi, you're in the friendzone!" Hange huffed as Erwin shut the door. "And if you don't get out of it. You're gonna be the short shoulder to cry on when some big dude with an invalid drivers license, a shit ton of tattoos and a porn addiction breaks her heart."

"That's oddly specific.." Erwin retorts

"All of you keep assuming I wanna be her boyfriend. I don't!"

Erwin rolled his eyes, "That tall guy that she was with actually. I think he'll be the guy who has her running to Levi's shoulder."

"Oh you mean Jean?" Hange nods "But they broke up a while ago."

"Then why is she still hanging out with him?"

"He's Sasha and Connie's best friend. So they've all known each other a while. They're a set, don't separate type deal."

"Then it's only logical that Y/N will marry Jean someday. You know if they all stay so close."

"Yup, definitely."

"You can both eat shit."

~~~~

Day one

Levi strained awake, blinded by the harsh sunlight stabbing his eyes through the uncovered window. He couldn't even remember when he'd fallen asleep last night but he could already tell it was too early for everyone else to be awake.

He could recall a couple things from last night. Hange overstaying her welcome in his room, Erwin suggesting that Hange pay for his fucked up luggage and somethings he would rather not think about.

Preferably the others joining in his room to discuss breakfast plans. At which Sasha had suggested the diner they had already planned to go to early in the morning. Levi's heart sank as he recalled Y/N's gorgeous smile directed to Jean who had stood behind her rubbing her shoulders and whispering in her ear.

He squeezed his eyes shut, standing from his bed and immediately working to straighten out the sheets before eyeing the book he'd unpacked last night.

Maybe he could get some reading done before Hange inevitably came to annoy him.

The one he was currently holding was of a dog wearing a big floppy hat in the mist of sunflowers. He quickly matched it with his black and white sweatpants. And with a small sigh he headed to the bathroom.

He thumbed at the spine of the book, sliding his finger between the pages to the current bookmark. A shower would probably be a better start to the morning though. He set the book down unzipping one of his bags and pulling out the first pair of clothing folded at the top. Levi hadn't remembered packing one of his mother's many silly birthday gifts to him. She had always bought him shirts with pictures on them that confused him.

He didn't even remember the last time he'd had a shower that was hot for more than five minutes. Or the last time he could look down at his feet without seeing a hair monster in the drain.

He took a couple extra minutes to completely wash his hair, combing his fingers through the strands before shutting off the water and quickly getting dressed.

As he reentered his room he remembered the random gaze Jean threw his way. The smirk on his lips, the taunting glare and then just as quickly it was over. And he was talking to her like nothing had happened.

Levi had never once in his entire life thought about having a girlfriend. It just wasn't something that absorbed his thoughts but he knew the second he saw that smirk on Jean's face what he wanted to be to Y/N.

He just couldn't imagine how.

His fluffy towel hugged his head as he popped open the book he'd discarded a couple minutes ago. He pulled his feet in closer to his body tracing the letters on the page, delving into the story-

"Levi!"

Two fucking seconds.. that had to be a new record.

A barrage of harsh knocks sounded outside his door and he yanked it open to see Hange standing there out of breath with a barely alive looking Erwin behind her. Excitement flooding her features as she pushed past Levi with Erwin in tow. A blue toothbrush almost falling from his lips.

"You couldn't let him finish brushing his fucking teeth?" Levi grunted, shutting the door behind the two of them. Erwin sighed his eyes shut, toothbrush dangling from his mouth. "Why're you here?"

"We're all going for breakfast remember?"

"Not for another thirty minutes." Levi narrowed his eyes and leaned back against the tv table.

Hange smiled, "Yup and that means we have enough time to figure out a game plan to get you and Y/N together by the end of today." Hange clapped excitedly though both Erwin and Levi couldn't possibly look less enthused.

"I don't need your help."

"Erwin, back me up here!"

"I'm not doing shit since you didn't let me spit and I had to swallow toothpaste." Erwin remarked, squeezing the bridge of his nose.

Levi's face scrunched up and Hange let out a snort. "Why did you swallow it.. you could've just spit it out in the hall or something."

"That's fucking disgusting." Levi grunted

"Why the hell would I do that?" Erwin asked

"You're not supposed to swallow toothpaste duh!"

Everyone huffed all at once and Levi flopped down next to Erwin on the bed. "If I need any help I'll ask.." He mumbled already feeling heat fly to his cheeks.

"We're finally gonna get you a girlfriend Levi!!" Hange squeezed his body in a tight hug.

Just as Levi was about to push her away a couple of soft knocks sounded on his door again, "We're leaving a little earlier, hurry and come downstairs."

~~~~

Before the car had even pulled up back at the lodge Hange was already screaming about going skiing. Erwin had asked if Levi wanted to which he'd replied with a scoff.

"Really? Cause there are plenty of chances for Y/N to fall on you. Or you to fall on her." He shrugged.

Levi just rolled his eyes and at that Erwin gave up and now he was standing at the freezing cold railing watching everyone go down the stupid slope for what had to have been an hour or so. How'd he end up with bag watch? He didn't even wanna come outside.. He blew on his fingers trying and falling to warm them. At this point he felt exhausted, absolutely none of his clothes were keeping him warm.

With a sigh he pulled Hange and Erwin's bags up onto his shoulder along with Sasha and Connie's belongings. If he could manage to get upstairs he could warm up at least a little. A hot cup of tea practically beckoning him.

It took him only a couple seconds to realize he didn't have Y/N's bag. He looked around for a couple seconds. Did she bring a bag outside? Did he lose her bag?? He'd only left once to got to the bathroom. Did someone steal it.. Shit. He grumbled in disgust. Where could he have left it?

Feeling a bit panicked he headed towards the stairs. Blood running cold, his eyes practically bouncing out of his skull. His heart stopped at the display in front of him. Jean's hand on Y/N's waist as she leaned forward on the railing. Their lips pressed together..

(Hey Siri, play Heartbreak Anniversary by Giveon.)

[love-hatred-stuff]

Title: ᵗʰᵉ ʲᵉᵃˡᵒᵘˢ ᵗʸᵖᵉ} Choi San [ateez]

genre: angst, fluff

warning(s): anger issues, possessiveness, San accidently hurts you(lighlty), a bit suggestive, a lot of swearing

word count: about 2.4k

Y/N's POV:

Me and my friends, Wooyoung, f/n and Seonghwa were in a luxurious club, dancing and having fun all night. While Wooyoung and I were sitting on the red leather couch, the other two were dancing wildly on the dance floor to the loud bass music. It gave me chills and I smiled in Wooyoung's face.

"We should meet some time alone again!" He almost screamed so I could even understand him due the noise around us.

"I'm not sure if San will allow me, but sure! It was a whole torture to persuad him to just let me out with you guys."

I slightly rolled my eyes at the memories of the conversation I had with my boyfriend San about this. It really was so exhausting to talk about something like that with him. He was the jealous, overprotective type and his possessiveness were slowly getting on my nerves.

"I'll have to talk to him." Wooyoung yelled again and smiled a little awkwardly. He was surely very good looking and my guy best friend but sometimes he overdid his confidence. I liked him anyways.

"But then he'll beat you up, you know that?"

I stopped counting how many guys he had defaced because they looked wrong at me or complained about his behavior and how he treats me. It was pointless to even try to stop his anger issues when it's about me.

We started dating almost a year ago and he still had these habits.

"That could possibly happen, good, that I'm a man that has muscles and goes to the gym also." He winked at me while smiling.

He always was the flirty type but I knew he wouldn't dare to do anything I don't want. And I also knew that he loves me but just as a best friend. He's more like a brother than to me a boy I would date.

"Good luck then, Woo. You know San is experienced when it's about beating someone up." I reminded him in a joking way but we knew that I was damn right with this point.

"We will see if I can do anything." He ended this topic.

"Does San know, you're with us at a nightclub?" He mentioned his name again.

"Better, he'll fucking never finds out." I smiled a bit intimidated at the thought of if he'd find out.

"Okay, let's enjoy the rest of your life then. Come and dance." He stood up again and pulled me with him on the dance floor.

I just laughed and did what he said. Therefore I went out with my friends, to have a bit fun again. Not that I wasn't happy in my relationship with San, but he always wanted me for himself and I needed for at least a few hours a break after a long time of avoiding boys all day long.

Now everyone around me was absolutely living for the moment and I missed this feeling so much.

San was also out, but doing business instead of having fun.

After hours passed and it was getting later & later, we were getting more tired each second so we decided to end this beautiful night. F/n and Seonghwa drove home in one taxi as me and Wooyoung did the same.

They weren't actually dating, but I knew f/n had feelings for my good friend Hwa since High School.

The ride didn't take long since we had stayed in town and soon arrived at my apartment. I hugged Wooyoung goodbye and stumbled into the apartment's elevator to reach the right floor faster.

I pressed the button for the fourth floor and after a few seconds and a few more steps, I was able to open my apartment door.

I sighed, so relieved that I could take a quick shower and enjoy my lovely bed. To be honest, I never knew if San was sleeping over or not. I was just guessing in this moment, that he would stay at his apartment tonight and walked into my bathroom, taking off my skater dress.

Before I stepped in the shower I looked in the mirror and noticed that my hair was kind of a mess like my eyeliner was, through all the dancing and stuff. After I separated myself from my underwear I could finally enjoy the warm water hitting my small but feminine body.

I was too exhausted to take a long shower and just washed my body and hair quickly, got dressed in cute panties and one of San's white shirts which went up to the middle of my thighs, covering my breasts that were braless.

I wished just in this moment that he would be here, seeing me like this. He loved me in only wearing his tees and my panties. He would fall all over me right now.

I smiled brightly at my imaginations of my boyfriend living rent free in my head. I was really proud to have him. He was pretty popular and so damn handsome that every girl that hadn't a boyfriend, had from at least a little one to a huge crush on him.

But he picked me, the bookworm, which didn't mean I was automatically good in school. I was okay but nothing more.

My ego was just too big to let anyone of the teachers tell me what to do. Everyone said I was so pretty, I could be a model if I were just a little taller but I also had my failures and insecurities. And that was totally fine because I am just a human too. San taught me how to accept and love myself and I was so thankful for it.

When I wanted to crawl into my comfortable bed, I suddenly noticed a tall figure standing in my bedroom.

"My god San! You wanna kill me here?!" I breathed out heavily as my heart was already racing.

"Where the fuck were you so long?" He asked now with a deep but angered voice. And I didn't miss the anger building up in his eyes.

"Out, you know." I just said and laid on my bed, ready to sleep.

"I know. But you didn't told me you were gonna be out till after midnight!"

My eyes scanned his face, waiting for his next move.

"I told you to not be out late and amuse yourself with boys."

I let out a "Pff" sound and closed my eyes, not wanting to believe what he just said to me.

"Y/N!"

"Yes! I know waht you told me but I wanted to have fun once, without you ruining my night okay?! And I would never "amuse myself" with other boys but you in that way! Now shut up and turn the light off. I'm tired of your shit!" My words came out more harshly than I wanted them to be but I wasn't gonna take it back.

So I just closed my eyes again and covered myself up. But nothing moved or sounded like he would do anything.

"What do you mean by that?" I heard his weak voice speak quietly.

Oh god no. I feared this tone so much.

He was usually more a tough guy who didn't show his emotions much to anyone but me. And most of the time he acted all strong around me too, but sometimes his heart just couldn't handle me if I prevailed with a loud voice and harsh words.

And his wound point was when I would mention anything about a break up, even in the slightest.

"Go to sleep, San." I told him in a rather cold tone.

I wanted to avoid a conversation about this and just fucking rest. I really wasn’t in the mood to stand this right now.

"Not until you tell me." He stayed stubborn.

I sighed and sat up straight so I could look at him again.

"Nothing. I'm tired. Could you?" I was tapping on the empty bedside where he was supposed to sleep. I saw how his blue eyes slowly got teary. Fuck.

"Did you mean you're tired of me?" He asked carefully, trying to hold back his tears.

"Noo... I meant that I don't want to be suppressed by you anymore. You always tell me to stay away from boys and I do. Nothing to worry about, right? So the problem is solved. Now sleep San, please." I begged and patted on the mattress again.

"I just don't want anyone to have you like I do. I thought you wanted to be mine also." He looked down.

"I do all of this because I love you so much that I would die for you. I'll do anything but please tell me you're not going to leave me." He pleaded and a tear escaped his eye.

It was rare that he cried but when he did he was really scared. He was scared that I would leave him.

"No I'm not going to, San..."

"You never call me just San." He looked up again with sad eyes, digging into my aching heart.

I thought I dreamed when I heard him sob so softly that my heart began to ache.

"I'm sorry baby, but I am still a bit mad. But I will never leave you, okay?"

He just hummed and layed down on the bed. I covered him with the blanket and stroked through his soft hair before I leaned back again.

I breathed out at his please and kissed him with a bit more pressure.

"Don't cry. Everything's alright baby." I said in a calming voice and turned the last lamp off.

"I'm sorry Y/N, don't be mad at me, you know I can't stand this." He pleased again, gripping my small waist with his hand and pushing me against his hard body.

"Give me my goodnight kiss." He said and looked at me, perking his lips.

I decided to give him one as a treat and turned around to peck him on his lips.

"I don't like short pecks, you know that Y/N." He frowned immediately.

I sighed out and kissed him again, with a bit more pressure.

"It's fine, for now." He was finally satisfied.

And finally we could fall asleep in each other's embraces and get the rest we deserved.

▪︎▪︎▪︎

San's POV

I woke up next to my princess and instantly had to smile.

She was my everything, I was so lucky to have her in my arms.

When my hands slowly caressed her waist up and down, I noticed that she only was wearing her light pink, favorite panties and a white shirt of mine that had slipped up to her upper buddy.

Her ass pressed against my member and I felt how I hardened at this feeling.

Always when we woke up like this I got a morning boner.

Luckily she helped me most times.

But what about today? We kind of fought yesterday, before we got to bed.

I would like to deny it but I fucking cried because of her words.

It was rare but sometimes when she was mad at me, she said words she didn't really mean and I can't stand it if she mentions something that would lead us to break up eventually.

I wanted to keep her forever. I wanted to marry her one day and spend the rest of my life with her.

I would do absolutely everything to prevent that we had to part. That's why I was pretty possessive and "overprotective" over her.

But it didn't matter to me as long as she didn't have much to do with other boys.

Though she actually hated that. She wanted her freedom.

Although it was important to me that she was happy, I wouldn't stop watching with who she was hanging out with.

She let out a sweet groan at my touch and took my hand on her now naked stomach, signalling me that she was wide awake now.

"You're not mad anymore, are you?" I asked with a husky morning voice.

"I can feel your boner, San." She just ignored my question.

"You are so damn hot babe.. How am I supposed to not have one when your cute ass is pressed against it?"

She giggled cutely. Then she turned around and looked at me with her stunning eyes.

"Just take a shower with me, yeah?" She smiled seductively.

"Everything for you baby." I kissed her cheek.

We stood up together and walked to her bathroom.

•••

"San, why were you so rough?" She asked in a quiet voice as she walked out of her room into the kitchen where I was standing.

"I'm sorry." I replied.

"I'm sorry? That's all?" Now she sounded really sad and looked at me with watery eyes and pouty lips.

But I had my reasons and it wondered me why she didn't know why already.

"Oh, you fucking know. You're mine and I had to show you that. As you always forget about it." I spoke in a monotonous way.

"I like it when you go rough sometimes but not when you start hurting me. You bruised my sides, San. What is wrong with you!?" She whined, now even more upset.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you baby." I stepped towards he and tapped her shoulder in apology.

"It's okay. I will meet up with Wooyoung today." She told me as if it was normal for her to meet up with him.

As if she didn't know that I would freak out at this.

"What the fuck, Y/N!? You will not." I tried to suppress an aggressive tone.

"I'm kidding, San. God, you're so controlling." She rolled her eyes back.

My eyes widened again at her statement.

"You're kidding?" I wanted to make sure, a bit to blended from all this stuff going on to even think straight and be able to follow her words properly.

"Yeah, it was supposed to be my revenge, idiot." She snapped again and walked away.

"Don't call me that!" I told her.

She was never this disrespectful. What the heck was going on?

"Y/N? What is it, huh?" I tried to sound soft but obviously failed.

She breathed out heavily, telling me how annoyed she was by now.

"Either you go and leave me alone or..." She bursted out.

My heart stopped for a moment just to start racing rapidly a second later as I realised what she implied to say.

"Or what?" My voice shivered already.

"Or we take a break." And my heartbeat stopped a second time.

"We just had sex and you're telling me, you wanna take a break?" I asked shocked.

I wished this was just a stupid nightmare of mine, because for me it really was at that point.

"Do you love me, San?" She suddenly wanted to know.

"What? Of course I do! I told you last night."

I was so confused and overwhelmed with this situation, I thought I forgot how to breathe properly.

"Why do you try to control me all the time if you really do?"

"That's the thing Y/N. I do that because I love you too much to let some boy near you." I tried to explain meaningfully.

But she was still quietly standing in front of me.

"I'll let you go with him for two hours, okay?" I thought the best thing to do is to give her what she wanted.

I almost missed that tears rolled down my cheeks. I was so damn emotional when it was about her.

"Please say something, love." I begged. Silence was never a good sign.

"I love you too. But you have to promise to let me go out more often. I don't care if it's with you or with my friends but I want some free time." She finally explained.

In the next second she was in my arms and hugged me tightly.

"I promise, Y/N. I love you."

The picture & gif are not mine, credits to the owners

[atsukashii]

hi! for the event could i request: lana x bakugo katsuki + she/her pronouns + ☀️+ orange

thank you!!

life goes on like this again

✘ waking up to your boyfriend is one of the best things, although waking up to him cooking shirtless in your kitchen - yeah that takes the cake.

✘ GENRE: fluff

✘ WARNINGS: none

✘ WORD COUNT: 1.6k

✘ A/N: i got your message about changing your character to daichi, so i hope you like it!

Morning light paints the world behind your eyelids a mixture of shades of pink and orange, and once you open your eyes, the room around you isn’t much different. Early morning light gently slips through the cracks of your open blinds, turning the white walls of your room into a flux of pastel dawn colours. Trying to stay in bed for as long as possible, you turn over, pulling your sheets higher over your shoulder and cocooning yourself deeper into the warmth, more than content to just close your eyes and go back to sleep. However the lack of a presence next to you makes it borderline impossible, and soon enough you find your feet hitting the wooden floors of your apartment before you shuffle out of bed to do your morning routine.

Once you emerge from the bathroom feeling a little bit more awake, you slink down the hallway, not thinking that the noise of sizzling in the kitchen is anything abnormal. However, the second the wafting stench of something burning meets your nose do you wake up completely. With hastened steps, you walk to the kitchen, worried that your boyfriend left something on the stove before he left for work - something that would be uncharacteristic of him. But as you round the wall and step into the kitchen, a soft smile pulls at your lips.

Standing in front of your stove, shirtless, with his broad shoulders tense and looking more bronze in the warm morning light from your kitchen window - stands your boyfriend. Daichi looks like something you’ve plucked out of a dream, and whilst he hasn’t noticed you, simply standing there and appreciating him is what you plan to do; even if he’s currently glaring at whatever he’s trying to cook in the pan.

But Daichi Sawamura has eyes in the back of his head, you’re sure of it. You’re only standing there, staring at his back for only a few seconds before he’s glancing your way, his brown eyes flashing in surprise before a groan tears out of his mouth. You raise your eyebrows at his reaction.

“No no no, go back to bed, they’re not done.” Daichi complains, with pinched brows. He was concentrating really hard on whatever he was cooking, and your curiosity gets the better of you. Ignoring his protests, you smile as you wrap your arms around his toned waist and press a soft kiss between his shoulder blades.

“Are you cooking…” you start, tilting your head to see around his large frame, and into the pan sitting on the stove. The circular and flat thing in the pan gives it away straight away, making butterflies flutter inside your stomach.

“Pancakes?”

“More like cremating them,” he mutters under your breath, and you have to bite your lip to restrain yourself from giggling. You gently tap his abs with your hand and press your cheek to his back, closing your eyes and taking in the warmth that comes from being close to him.

“It’s the thought that counts, right?” You’re one hundred percent sure that your statement would have been far more convincing if your stomach hadn’t chosen that exact moment to growl in protest.

Daichi pivots on his feet, so that his side is pressed against your front and looks down at you frowning. Not at your words, you think, but the whole situation.

“No, it’s not the thought that counts because you can’t eat thoughts to sustain yourself.” Daichi replies with a pointed look. You’re trying really hard not to smile, because you can see how flustered he is about this, so instead you just tilt your head and let a sliver of one slip through.

“Daichi, really it's fine.” You promise, but your words fall on deaf ears as he finally turns to you fully, and you can tell he wants to cross his arms but can't because of your position and the fact he’s got a spatula still in one hand, so instead he just rubs his face. “I’m more surprised that you’re home. It’s a weekday after all.”

The man drops his hand from his face, his hair now a mess from him messing with it, but you think he’s never looked more handsome than in this moment.

“I wanted to take a day off to spend with my girl, and make her breakfast in bed, is that too much to ask?” He asks exasperatedly, waving the spatula around in his other hand.

“Apparently so,” you joke, quickly hip checking him away from the stove, before grabbing the pan and scooping the blackened pancake into the trash. Swiftly washing the pan, you return to the stove once more, turn on the heat and begin to cook the rest of the pancake batter. This time, it's Daichi who is standing behind you, watching over your shoulder as the butter melts in the pan, and you finally pour some batter noto the hot skillet.

“You see, this is why I wanted to cook you breakfast, because you’re always doing the work.” Your boyfriend complains in a groan, resting his forehead against your shoulder as if admitting defeat. A sweet smile pulls at your lips as you take in his gratefulness, because it’s the truth. You’re the one who cooks the meals for you both a lot, but the main reason for that is because you actively enjoy it. A fact he knows well, because he’d never stand for it if you didn’t.

“Yeah but I actually enjoy it. And please, you cook for me sometimes.” You can feel the look he gives you as he raises his head from your shoulder. “Today just isn’t a good example,” You finish, biting your lip to stop you from giggling at his antics.

“I know you enjoy it, I’d never let you cook food for me otherwise.” There ya go. “But I still feel like you do a lot around here, and I'm…” his voice trails off, and you immediately turn around to face him. His voice lacks any of the dominating confidence that he carries without knowing, and that alarms you. You don’t need to look into his eyes to see something is bothering him, but as you mentally make a checklist of his tells, you need to ask.

“Daichi, what’s this actually about?” You ask, your head tilting slightly as his eyes slink away from yours, settling on the small potted herbs resting on your windowsill.

“I was talking to one of the new recruits yesterday, and he made a passing comment after he saw the lunch you made for me.” He explains, and you nod your head encouraging him to continue. You’ve always made him a work lunch from the day you moved in seeing as he had a tendency to get intensely serious in what he was doing, and would often forget to eat. But if you made him food, he’d feel guilty if he forgot to eat it. Had you essentially guilt tripped your boyfriend into being healthy and not forgetting meals, yes, and it was worth it.

“And he mentioned that I was lucky that I have someone that does everything for me, and It made me realise how little i put into this relationship.” Daichi admits and you blink at him for a moment.

And the next, you wack him in the bicep with the plastic spatula in your hand.

“Ow!” he curses, clutching his arm, even though you both know you only tapped him. SO instead, with your free hand, you point right in his face with your index finger, and level him with your most serious glare.

“Now you listen to me Daichi Sawamura, you do not lack effort in this relationship. You are not putting in abysmal amounts. You are the love of my life, and you make me so happy by just simply being in the same room as me, and the fact that you come home to me every day, call me on your break when you're bored, or buy me flowers randomly because you know I'll love them. That is more than enough.” You argue, poking his bare chest with your finger.

“And if anyone tries to tell you that you are anything less than the perfect boyfriend, you’ll have to help me hide a dead body.” Your chest heaves as you finally get all the words out. Daichi is the perfect partner in every sense of the word and the fact that some recruit made him feel less than that really pisses you off.

You’re about to ask for his number so you can beat him with your spatula before warm lips are pressed to yours with a force that almost knocks you back onto the stove. However, strong arms wrap around your waist, stopping the accident before it happens, and you drop the utensil to the floor to slip your hands into Daichi’s short dark hair. Once again you’re gasping for breath when he pulls away, but the smile stretched across his face almost has your head spinning.

“Thank you sunshine, I- I really needed that.” He whispers, placing another kiss to your brow before leaning his forehead against yours. “I love you too,” You close your own eyes, reveling in the peace of the moment, and content that he finally sees what you do.

But the smell of burning interrupts the moment and you immediately curse, turning on your boyfriend and yanking the pan with the now burnt pancake off the heat. Daichi erupts into loud, heart filled laughter from behind you, and you give up, putting the pan in the sink still with the ruined food inside before turning to your boyfriend.

“Want to go out for breakfast?” He asks through his laughter and you nod your head, grinning right along with him. It was the little things like days like today, that made you fall in love with Daichi a little deeper.

✘ EVENT STATUS : CLOSED ✘

[najatheangel]

𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐛𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐤 𝐀𝐧𝐧𝐢𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐚𝐫𝐲

now playing: Heartbreak Anniversary by Giveon

genre: Lots of Angst :( + Slight Fluff.

pairing: Choi San x Reader.

authors note: An early valentines present for sad girls who are single this time around. Also a special 300❤️present for my lovelie muffins. Thanks so much for the support and I’ll continue to present more work. This was inspired by the song Heartbreak Anniversary by Giveon. Highly recommend to listen😊✨Alrighty now enjoy love.

💔 💔 💔 ❤️ 💔 💔 💔

San’s POV: Today is the day February 14, 2021. The day that I’ll always remember. It’s the day that I’ve fallen in love with you, but also the day we broke up. I can still remember meeting you like it was yesterday...

“Just like the day I met you, I thought forever.”

I always took rides in my motorcycle around the city of Seoul just enjoying the scenery. The night where I ended hitting a lot hole and had to fill air in my tire at my auto shop business that I’ve taken over ever since my father passed away.

I was in a bad place in my life living alone without my dad being around praying that the love of my life would step forth into my shop. It was like the gods answered my prayers. You were so beautiful with your long wavy hair, chocolate brown eyes, soft baby pink lips and not to forget your sparkling smile.

You were panicking and rambling about how you crashed your brothers car and needed to get it fix as soon as possible. I immediately wanted to come to your rescue and in exchange I asked you out right on the spot. You looked at me like I was insane, but didn’t hesitate to say yes.

My life began to slowly change and I was hoping that it would last forever...

“Said that you love me, but that'll last for never”

We were on the talking phase for 4 months and I wanted to be the first to confess. I’m a man with patience, but I had a feeling someone would take you away from me. It was the day where I’ve saved up my money to take you out to the best restaurant in town with the nicest patio view over the city lights of Seoul.

It was the best night of my life. I got to see your first time trying Jajangmyeon and your face lit up when you took the first bite. We even danced on the patio to our favorite song under the moonlight It was the setting to say it.

We both looked at each other and knew at that very moment we both were going to say it, but you beat me to it. “I love you Choi San. I hope you feel the same way about me.”

Of course I love you way more than you can ever imagine. It just turned out that my love for you was much more stronger.

“It's cold outside, like when you walked out my life”

Our 2nd year anniversary and valentines we spent together turned out to be our last. I remember when things started to turn sour the night after we tied the knot. You’ve started to act more distant making it hard for me to reach out to you. I woke up the next morning and noticed that you and your things that you’ve left in my apartment have suddenly disappeared.

I’ve searched all around the city for you your house, grandmothers house, our favorite spot by the puppy cafe, but you were no where to be found. I was starting to lose my mind not having you around.

I went back home decided to take a break and saw your journal you’ve left behind on the kitchen counter. I was shaking not prepared to read what was inside the journal, but just as I predicted she dumped me, left me in Seoul and found someone that she’s planning to marry in a few months.

She felt cheating with her significant other and decided that it was best to end our friends with benefits relationship.

“I’m so sorry San. I have to fix this marriage it’s too important to me. I’m also sorry for hurting you and involving you in my mess of a love life. Unfortunately I can’t be with you and decided to move back to my hometown. I wanted to thank you for all you have taught me down in Seoul. I need to learn from my mistakes and move on from this...”

I couldn’t even read the rest from that point because I was so angry that she didn’t tell me this in person, hell months before we’ve been talking. At the same time, another part of me was heart broken and wished she didn’t have to leave me in the dark. Nothing hurt worst then when my father passed away when I was young, but this might’ve been top tier.

All night I’ve screamed, hollered, cursed, ripped out pages from your journal, whatever I had to do to get rid of the pain.

“I'm buildin' my hopes up. like presents unopened 'til this day”

At the time I was ready to run up to you ready to hold you, squeeze you and tell the world how much I’ve missed you and couldn’t wait to spend our Valentine’s Day together. The first few months I was holding up fine working in my shop fixing motorcycles and Lamborghini’s all day and night, it started to get harder day after day.

I would try to call you every day sending voice mails begging you to come back home and leave that man to be with me. I would visit your grandmother down here everyday asking about you. I would write letters and songs about you every night to get me through the pain.

I would try to even hook up with other woman and get drunk while doing it so I can imagine making love with you, but the feeling was never the same.

Damn it, don’t you understand how badly you hurt me and left me with this emptiness in my now broken heart.

“On these days that feel like you and me Heartbreak anniversary”

Every February it feels like a funeral. I’ve lost the love of my life, my saving grace, my pretty woman and my best mistake.

I know I can’t be sad forever and that I’m better off trying to find another person, but she still lingers in my head every now and then.

I’ve still kept her journal after all this time and wrote notes, pictures and souvenirs from her. Today I plan on ending this once and for all.

I take one last trip to memory lane looking inside the journal as I travel back in time to the moments I had with her. Of course I’m crying about it again smiling like an idiot.

Do you ever think of me? Cause I still think of you...

I’ve finally closed that chapter in my life and threw her journal in the fire pit burning away my thoughts and memories we had together. This was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life, but now I can finally stand tall and continue on living my life without her.

💔 💔 💔 ❤️ 💔 💔 💔

Thanks so much for reading this much. Let me know what you guys think.🥺❤️✨

[wendystales]

Memories - lrh (Chapter Sixteen)

Memories (also on Wattpad)

Chapter Fifteen ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ Chapter Seventeen

Luke pov.

“Do it again.” Ashton asks, staring at me intently.

We were about to leave my house for my surprise party, which I discovered in less than an hour. I was rehearsing a face of surprise so as not to end the surprise, cause I know everyone worked hard for it.

I widen my eyes, breaking into a smile.

“I can't believe you deceived me.” I say with my voice altered by the ‘surprise’.

“Don't say that, it will be very obvious that you know. Says ‘I can't believe you threw a party for me’.” he suggests.

"I can't believe you threw a party for me." I redo the entire acting.

“Yep! Me either. But what doesn't M&Ms ask, that I don't do?” Ash dries the water bottle with a shrug. “I'm just kidding.” he laughs after seeing my face.

“Speaking of her…” I fill my glass with some more wine, since it's too early for us to go. “Something new?” Ashton denies, frustrated too.

“I commented that she was acting weird, but she just changed the conversation and said that she's been busy and that she was nervous about the party.” he sighs. I massage my forehead, annoyed.

"Am I going to have to put her against the wall to get something?" I look at him, not knowing what to do.

“You know this isn't going to work. She's going to run away, you're going to fight, she's going to walk away and you're going to be more annoying than you already are.” I appreciate my friend's attempt to change the mood with provocation, but it has no effect.

"I can't find any reason to give me any sign of what's going on. Was it my fault? I knew I shouldn't have stayed with her that Saturday, I pushed the situation too hard and now she's pulling away, avoiding me-”

“Oh shut up! Don't even start with that.” Irwin raises his voice, cutting mine off. "Marnie isn't like that, she doesn’t do these things. If she wasn't comfortable she was going to talk. You said yourself that she asked you to sleep there. She let you pick her up on Monday and asked you to take her home, even after you dedicated Best Years to her. She didn't run away there, because it was remarkable how much she liked the song. You should pay more attention to the way she looks at you.”

A silly laugh escapes my lips when I see Ashton imitate her looking at me and smiling. My heart warms at the possibility that she is actually falling in love with me, just as I already am with her.

"Luke, if she didn't want to get back together, she wouldn't open up so many gaps and opportunities for you to be together. She must just be confused about the feelings. That's how it looked for the first time. Look, let's analyze her behavior today, after all the stress of the party and then we get stressed.”

I agree with my friend. I'm freaking out over something that shouldn't be very important. Maybe it's all the pressure with finishing the album. The release date is approaching and sure enough, Jim freaking out in my ear for the publicity trip we were supposed to be doing, but we're still going against it due to Marnie's accident.

I don't know how many times I have to tell him I'm not leaving LA yet. This delay wasn't hindering anything, so I don't know why he makes such a point.

“Go, get rid of that dead face and let's enjoy your party.” Ash slaps my shoulder.

We left the house, heading to Jack's house, where the party would be. I've been training my face the entire way, wanting it to be as realistic as possible, even though everyone already suspects that I know.

Even if I didn't know it, the moment I see the street full of cars, I realize that I would find out there. Irwin tells them we're coming and I notice the noise of the music fade away. Discreet.

We entered the house, finding everything quiet and tidy. But when we turn to the kitchen and garden, a lot of people scream in surprise. I take a step back, like I'm really shocked.

"I can't believe you did that." I look at Ash, wanting to see that I did well. But his expression ‘so so’ disappoints me.

“In the car it was better.” he says before walking away and letting people get closer.

I don't know how many people I hugged, but I know the only one I wanted to see was the last one to arrive. I hold my breath, seeing her in a black leather skirt and a transparent black blouse, highlighting her tattoo between her breasts.

I swallow hard, cracking a nervous smile as she approaches with a huge grin, almost jumping into my lap. Unlike yesterday, where I just got a congratulations message, M&Ms hug me, leaving a lingering kiss on my cheek.

“Happy Birthday!” the gleam in her eyes proves to me she's already a little high.

I resist the urge to steal a kiss from her lips, just kissing her cheek back but giving her waist a squeeze, pressing her against my body. She seems to notice my intent, drastically changing her breathing.

"I wanted to talk to you later. If possible.” I say against her ear.

“About?” her eyes sweep me for any clues.

“Surprise.” I reveal, seeing her roll her eyes in agreement.

I watch her walk away with the girls, but she doesn't fully break eye contact with me, looking at me from afar. I let out a breath, realizing it's going to be a long night and another long battle to resist her and the urge to take her to a dark corner.

In the kitchen, where most of the drinks are, I start my work, drinking the alcohol, enjoying the burning sensation that the liquid leaves in my throat. I get distracted with video game conversation and allow my mind to relax with lighter, more relaxed topics.

The party had been going on for a few hours. My head is already light, due to the high alcohol content my body retains. I know I'm laughing at some bullshit Brian is talking about, even though his words don't make any sense in my mind. Maybe I've already had too much to drink and it's better to stop for a while. I don't want to be sick at my own party.

The term vibrates in my mind and I start searching the crowd for the cotton candy hair, worried about her condition. The feeling pulls my head out of the air, sobering me up for a few minutes.

I find her dancing hand in hand with Noah, laughing at the older man's exaggerated steps. I stare at the scene, happy that she is enjoying herself. Unlike at the beginning of the week, Marnie is now upbeat and not acting. Maybe Irwin is right and she was just stressed about the birthday party.

I push my thoughts away, concentrating on yet another beer pong game. I've played more times than I could count and I'm starting to doubt the two arms Jack has won since my last drink.

“Problems.” Michael sings beside me, pointing to the door. Pam walked in smiling excitedly, holding hands with a guy who sure as hell didn't want to be there. It's not possible…

Sobriety hits me like a cannon. All the alcohol and smoke that was in my body is gone and I am able to think clearly for the first time since I arrived.

I massage my forehead, bringing my gaze to Marnie, who's already staring at Pam without a specific expression. I cross the room with incredible ease, reaching for her, hugging her waist, pulling her to me.

“We can talk now?” Marnie didn't even seem to hear me, still staring at Pam, who was greeting some people. "M&Ms?" I call closer to her ear, but no effect. “Hey!” I drop a kiss to her temple, squeezing her waist.

Her green eyes cross mine and I can palpate the insecurity in them. Marnie just nodded, letting me lead her out of the room. We went up to a room, being alone. I look at her face, still half lost, and I approach slowly, feeling that little box weigh tons in my pocket.

“What do you want to talk about?” she gives a slight smile, turning her full attention to me.

“First I wanted to apologize for Pam. I didn't know what she was going to come.” Marnie rolls her eyes, shrugging.

“It’s OK! No need to apologize. My head is so full I don't even care about her anymore.” she sits up in bed, crossing her legs.

“And I believe she won't even mind us today, after all, she came with someone” I sat beside her.

“Yeah! Poor guy.” I let out a laugh at her pity for the poor boy. “It was just that?”

I lose myself in her eyes for a few seconds, wondering if that's all. I draw her face in my mind once more, recording every feature I fell in love with. My lips tingle as I landed my eyes on her mouth, slightly reddened by the drink.

At another time, right now she and I would be locked in some bathroom or bedroom, succumbing to desire and the alcohol in our blood. My fingertips ache amidst the memories of all the times I have run across her skin, feeling it burn under my touch.

My mind starts to cloud and the flashes of the two of us become more and more vivid. I try to push those thoughts away, but they seem to sink into my mind with force. My body heats up with every scene my mind plays. I feel the blood running the wrong way and I don't know how to stop it.

"Luke?" I'm startled by your touch on my hand. Marnie was looking at me with a mixture of curiosity and concern. “Are you okay?” I watch her hand squeeze mine, like she always did when I was angry or upset.

And just with that touch, everything stops inside me. The fire is gone and now I'm seized by a gigantic pain and rage in my chest, a rage for her being ripped from me so abruptly. I stare at her fingers moving gently, transmitting a caress throughout my body.

"Luke?" now she was looking at me extremely worried.

“Sorry. I think the drink hit.” I open a smile, trying to calm her down. M&Ms don't seem to buy much, but she smiles smugly.

“I already told you you're drinking a lot. In a little while you'll be passed out and won't even enjoy your own birthday party.” my smile widens in the midst of her care. "Don't give me that smile." she pushes my face away. "Is that all you wanted to talk about?"

“No!” this time I answer faster. “Actually, I wanted to give you something.” I fish the little white box in my pocket, feeling my fingers as soft as jelly. What if she doesn't like it? What if she gets angry?

“You know it's your birthday, right? You're the one who should get presents, not give. Especially for me.” she looks at me angrily, not wanting to accept the box.

"Well, it's my birthday and I'll do what I want, in which case I give it to you." I place the object in her hands. “I wanted to wait until your birthday, but it's still far away and I can't take it.” I lift my shoulders quickly, making her laugh.

Taking advantage of the fact that she was involved with the present, slowly, I move closer to her body, contenting myself with the least contact we have. I notice Marnie hold her breath at the sight of the blue quartz necklace, just like the one she had.

With no more reaction than that, I start to convince myself that I've fucked up and she hated it. It wasn't the time yet, as much as everything was going well, it wasn't the time yet.

“I can't believe you did this.” her voice comes out in a breath in surprise. I let my mind race to our first Christmas, where she gave me my necklace and I gave that star to her.

“If you don't like it…” my voice trails off as I see her eyes watery and filled with joy. It was the right time.

I'm not afraid to advance towards her, covering your lips with mine in a short kiss. The cherry taste becomes my favorite for the rest of the night. Marnie wipes her tears as she calls herself pathetic for crying.

"I know we used it as a dating ring, but it doesn't have to be-”

"Could you put it on for me?" she interrupts me, not caring about my fear. With my hands still trembling and cold, I close the necklace around her neck, enjoying the scene of her smiling enchanted by that stone. “Thanks!”

This time it is she who steps forward, stealing a kiss. The mood changes drastically. The screams outside seem to die in my ears, leaving only silence. The music that used to burst had ceased to exist.

That little kiss breaks, but she doesn't pull away, keeping her forehead still glued to mine. I'm startled when her eyes return to mine, I can see her perfectly there, in front of me, in my arms. I recognize that glow, that look and what it wanted to convey.

It was her there. The reason I get up every morning. The reason that makes me want to be better and better. The person I always want to impress. My girl. My Marnie.

I bring my hand to the back of her neck, bringing our lips together once more. I feel goose bumps as our tongues touch and her hand cups my face, holding me there. If she knew the last thing I want is to run away…

I'm surprised I feel despair on her side. The urgency on her lips. The need for the touch of her hands, the way they ran through my hair, the back of my neck and chest.

Easily, I pull her onto my lap, moaning, feeling her body against mine after so long. The fire that had previously ceased inside me, runs again through my veins, making everything too cloudy. I can't reason whether this was right or not. We both drink too much. She still hasn't given me full openness to so much attitude, even though she's still here, kissing me.

I try for a few minutes to clear my mind, to be a little rational and not get carried away by emotion, but the sound her mouth makes when I touch her neck with my lips ruins whatever train of thought I was building.

I touch the exact spots that make her moan and scramble for more friction. I watch thirstily as her eyes roll back and her lip is bitten in an attempt to control the moans. Her nails scratch the back of my neck, releasing an electric current that migrates between my legs.

I gasp when I feel her rub against my groin, spreading a current throughout my body. I want to beg her to do it again, but it's not really necessary, she knows and she does. So excruciating, but so good. Again I am startled to find that glow that I knew so much. I wonder where this Marnie was all along.

I shove my hand inside her shirt, enjoying her burning skin. I stroke the spot below her bra with my thumb, wanting not to frighten her. I suck the skin under her ear, lapping it with my tongue. My body combusts as she stirs and presses her crotch harder against mine. I cup her breast with enjoyment, hearing her call my name the way I liked it best.

Her desperate hands run inside my jacket, wanting to throw it away. I was ready to help when a heavy knock on the door disrupts our moment.

"What the fuck is it?" anger rips up my throat, causing a very angry scream. So much time to interrupt.

"It's time to cut the cake." I hear Calum's voice and feel like throwing him from the second floor.

“Serious? Stick the cake in your-” two small hands cover my mouth, preventing me from continuing.

“We're on our way, Cal.” Marnie yells louder and breathless.

I watch your body soften, lost and, I fear, even regretful. She is no longer there. She avoids looking at me, perhaps out of shame.

“It was better this way.” her sweet voice comes closer to a whisper.

“Was?” I stare at her, not wanting to accept that I was the only one to feel it. I know I wasn't, because her expression tells me I'm right.

“Was! You know it was.” her tone is still sweet, but her gaze is hard. "I think we'd better go downstairs." she gets up carefully, getting out of bed. I throw my head against my hands, visibly frustrated.

"Go ahead, I need to get both heads in place." I throw my body against the mattress.

“Sorry, Luke.” I can't stand her feeling guilty when she's the biggest victim of all this.

"M&Ms?" I leap out of bed, grabbing her before disappearing through the door. “It's not your fault. I'm the one who lost control, I'm sorry. You didn't give me the opening to attack you like that and I let myself go…” her lips silence me.

“It wasn't anyone's fault, can we do that?” I nod, stealing the last kiss before I let her go. "I'll wait for you downstairs." she announce.

I turn around, heading back to bed, still feeling frustration coursing through my veins.

“Hey!” I turn to see her there, standing in the doorway. My chest races with yearning from the many times I've seen her do the same scene. My ears and heart ache wanting to hear those words that always came next. Those three words that were so beautiful in her mouth. “Thanks for this.” she smiles and leaves.

I stare at the wood, snapping back to reality. I'm such an idiot for thinking she was going to say she loves me. I hide my face, exhausted. I look across the bed, able to see the two of us there, so given to each other.

I replay the scene in my head, tasting her kiss on my lips. Feeling my body tingle, still wanting her touch. The pressure on my pants becomes bigger and more uncomfortable. I need to make this go away. I scramble my mind for many things to calm myself down, but I can't. I can still feel her hands running around the back of my neck and her groin against mine.

"Shit!" I give up, going to the bathroom and locking myself in there. I don't care if I'm late, or what they think. I won't be able to eliminate this with thoughts alone.

I lower my pants and underwear, releasing my already throbbing member. I run my hand over it, making my body vibrate in relief. I let my mind flood with all thoughts and memories with her, feeling my body inflate further.

I increase my speed, being able to feel her touch through my body. I punch the wall, feeling my stomach contract. I rest my forehead against the cool coating, letting out several sighs. Her eyes flash in my mind.

The many times I've seen her face twist in pure orgasm under my touch. That smirk and that vulgar glow she always lets off before pulling me aside. And I always did, like a puppy.

My breathing gets out of control as I reach my orgasm. A wave of relief and lightness overcomes me, along with a wave of guilt. It must have been the 15th time since it all happened.

I can't have her. I can't stand the idea of ​​looking for someone else, even though we are not officially together, so I have to get by with baths and my bare hands, but as a result I feel like the dirtiest human being, as she doesn't even suspect.

I walk down the stairs, not attracting any attention. I find her sitting on the couch, on Leah's lap, laughing at some imitation Ashton was doing. I approach the group, who make no fuss about my delay.

I pick up the bottle of white wine on the coffee table, flipping half the contents. I feel her green eyes burn on me and I don't even have the courage to reciprocate by ignoring her.

“Is everything OK? Sorry if I messed something up.” Hood says next.

“It's OK! In fact, it was better, if you didn't show up, we would have done something stupid.” I say dry.

"Is that why this sour face?" he raises an eyebrow.

"I'm feeling awful for almost bringing her to this and not having the conscience to stop." I reveal a part of the guilt that burns in me.

“Luke, you are not complete strangers. And maybe she really wanted to go further, she just didn't know how. After all, at that moment she was supposed to be your f-”

"I know!" I cut it off, not wanting to hear the rest of the sentence.

For my salvation, someone starts to sing happy birthday and the matter is closed. I open a smile disguising the shit my head was on. Michael puts a little purple hat on my head, blowing a plastic horn, very excited.

The scene makes me laugh, relieving the stress. I watch Leah and Kyleen swing colorful pom poms behind Marnie, who is holding a small cake with several candles.

I look deep into her eyes, noticing her happiness to be there and somehow mine too. After all, she's here, even if she doesn't remember much, she's still here. The accident could have been a lot worse and I could have lost her forever.

I push the damn thoughts away, blowing out the candles and driving everyone crazy. I'm surprised when Marnie leans in, stealing a kiss, not caring that she's in front of everyone. Her rosy cheeks manage to steal a smile far bigger than Michael did.

In the back of the room, I notice Pam with her arms crossed and sulking. I don't know if Marnie did it on purpose, intent on teasing, but something she did, and if Pam is pissed off, we're happy.

The clock was already showing around 5:00 in the morning. I've already fluctuated my alcohol level more times than I can count. While the boys filled me with rum, M&Ms filled me with water and food, afraid I would go into an alcoholic coma or whatever. Of course I took advantage of her concern and all the attention she was giving me.

At some point during the party, Michael took over the DJ's table and there we were, jumping up behind him, singing I Want It That Way at the top of our lungs, with the lost girls trying to do the choreography. That was definitely the best thing about the party, right after my moment with Marnie in the bedroom.

Right after his moment commanding the party's playlist, Clifford decided to climb on the roof to jump into the pool. Something that was already taking a while to happen. What he and no one expected was Marnie yelling at him, worried.

“It's comical, because if it weren't for the amnesia and the lack of alcohol, she would be the one on the roof.” Irwin comments lying beside me, watching the scene of her yelling at Michael, asking him to come down.

“And we called the fire department because she got stuck again.” I shake my head, wanting not to laugh at the memories. “Good times.” I'm toasting my friend, still watching her worriedly behind the older one.

Sitting in the garden, talking to some friends, I watch the girl laughing in a circle with Noah and Calum. She gets up, walking into the house, returning in a few minutes. I watch her come around, stopping behind me.

“Now the one who needs to talk is me.” she whispers in my ear. I don't think twice about taking your hand and heading out of the wheel chat.

I can see a large package in her hands and the idea of ​​being my gift makes me anxious. A little farther away from the mess that remained, she hands me the black box with a gold bow on top. Before opening it, I take a look at her excited smile, letting out a laugh.

I find five rings and three necklaces arranged around the box. I can't hold back the smile, seeing what she's chosen. I know I might look like an idiot for some jewelry, but it's amazing jewelry she picked out.

“You liked?” she bites her lower lip, curious.

“I loved!” I hug your body, thanking her. I know she has no intentions other than to give me a birthday present, but of course I will wear these rings and necklaces with more affection than usual. “Thanks.” I mean, still ecstatic.

Hand in hand, we approached the crowd again, bumping into Kiki, Sophie and Michael.

“We were thinking about going to Michael's house. The party is already boring and I'm hungry.” Kiki comments. I look a little offended at her, after all, that was my birthday party. “Oh! Nothing personal.” she laughs, slapping me on the shoulder.

“What do you think?” I ask the M&Ms, who shrug their shoulders. "Have you talked to the rest?"

“Leah was going to call Noah and Ash, we were going to rescue Calum.”

“OK! We'll get our stuff and meet you at the door.” Marnie agrees and so we disperse.

Still holding hands, we walked back upstairs, looking for her bag. In the kitchen, I grab a bottle of vodka, a tequila, and a whiskey, trying to put everything in my bag, but it doesn't quite work.

“We should take advantage of the gathering and have your liver funeral.” I turn to Marnie who glares at me, seeing three bottles in my arm and me struggling to open one of beer.

Easily, we made our way to the front door, finding Kiki and Sophie. Gradually, everyone arrived and so we left the party, without saying goodbye to anyone.

“Uh, tequila?” Hood comes towards me, hugging the bottle.

Michael's house was the closest and, having drunk too much, we thought we'd better walk.

On the way, we stopped at a bakery, buying a bunch of things to eat. The day was already showing signs of life when we arrived at Mike's house. At the dinner table, we spread out the stolen drinks and food, starting our round table, as well as picking up several board games that Michael kept.

“I wanted to propose a toast to Mr. Luke Hemmings.” Noah draws the toast, making everyone raise their glasses and bottles. “One of the few people worth meeting in this hellish city where you can't trust anyone. The other people are unfortunately not present…”

A shower of paper balls and food flies towards the 20 minutes older twin. I'm surprised when I watch Marnie leave my arms, standing up.

“I also wanted to give a speech.”

“You didn't have to, babe.” I say, shaking her hand that still had our fingers intertwined.

“It's not about you.” she sticks out her tongue, causing everyone to scream.

“Ouch!” I put my hand to my chest, accepting the blow and still feeling my heart race.

“Shut up.” she screams, laughing. “Well, I wanted to make this toast in thanks to all of you. I know it's been three years of friendship, but for me it's only been a month and even with all the confusion and breakup.” her fingers squeeze mine and I move them, giving them a light caress. “You still took me in and took great care of me. I am eternally grateful for that. Leah doesn't even start crying, I need to get this over with and if I cry it's going to go wrong.” the mood breaks a little with the laughter. “Bottom line, I just want to say that whatever the future holds, I like you all a lot and that this isn't just a bunch of crazy friendship the universe threw at me, it's the family I've been looking for. As Noah said, you're the few people worth living in this hell of a city and I love you all so much. Cheers!”

Everyone raises their glasses once more, toasting her speech. I cross my gaze with Leah, who has also noticed something odd. She still hadn't commented on Monday's episode and I still had it hanging around in my mind.

It was very visible that something was troubling her. Her eyes wandering lost, her disappearance since Monday until today, claiming to be super busy and out of time. Everyone was sensing that something was wrong, but she wouldn't let go or comment on it.

“Especially you.” I focus my attention on her, who settles back into my arms. “Regardless of our future, I like you very much.” she whispers, before pressing her lips to mine. “Please never forget that. Promise?”

I get lost in her eyes, noticing a hint of fear and pain in them. It's horrible to see her like this and not know what to do. For nothing in this world I want her to feel unprotected or alone, she said herself that we are a family, so she wouldn't have to face anything alone.

“Only if you promise me you'll tell me what's going on.” I play hard, not caring if this becomes an issue between us, or if it pushes her away a little.

“Luke…” my name comes out in a painful sigh.

"Marnie." I say her name harshly, wanting her to understand that I won't change my mind.

“I'll tell. Just not today. Today is your day and that's what matters to me. So please let's enjoy?” she begs. As always, I surrender, nodding. I drop a kiss to her forehead, before pulling her to my chest again.

Hastings still looks at me suspiciously and unfortunately I only have reason to agree with her. Something was up with Marnie and she didn't want to tell us.

A minute of silence, our baby is turning 25 today and I am not knowing how to handle it.

[tardytothepardy]

Fruits Basket - Vol. 20

I want to try to break the book into three main chunks. The last time I did that, it was easier to write about. So uh, the first chunk has to do with Tohru and her feelings about Kyo, and Kagura's reaction, the second chunk is Akito and Ren's past being revealed (it's totally a mess but it's to be expected), and the third chunk is about things unraveling.

Ok cool let's do it. (The picture was at the end of one of the chapters, I just liked it a lot idk) (also tumblr needs to increase the character limit for the alt text, it's only 200 characters, which goes by quick. twitter has like,, 420, which is more manageable)

Tohru came to Kazuma's house to visit Izusu, and Kagura came to confront Tohru about something. What possibly could it be (as if I didn't say so in the beginning)? Kagura was talking about it a bit with Kazuma, and he said he just hopes that Tohru's feelings don't come from a place of pity (which is a mild "oof" point for Kagura, because that's mostly why she loved Kyo), because Kyo has had to deal with people either flat out hating him, or being nice to him out of a sense of pity. Even Kazuma admitted (earlier in the series. I don't remember when but I remember reading it) that part of the reason he took in Kyo as a child was because he was making it up for how he treated his grandfather, the previous Cat. Over time, those feelings fell away, in favor of genuinely caring for Kyo's wellbeing, but Kazuma doesn't seem to be the one who would forget about stuff like that. (Also it turns out that the previous Cat's partner basically stayed with him out of a sense of pity, as well)

It turns out that Izusu and Tohru were talking about the same thing, and Tohru worried if her feelings for Kyo were selfish, because she wanted nothing to take Kyo away from her, not the curse, not the Sohma family, nothing. Kagura then bust into the room, smacked Tohru across the fucking room it seems, and said, "Then fucking tell him that!!" (direct quote, 100%) Izusu yelled at Kagura for hitting Tohru, asking what right she had for doing that, but given Kagura's nature, it doesn't seem completely out of nowhere. She just got pretty emotional in that moment.

For Tohru, it seemed to knock the right screw loose for her, and she thought back to when she was talking about her father to Kyo, and if he said really anything against what she was talking about, she apparently would've just zipped her lips and pretended she hadn't said anything, and moved on, but he didn't. Which is pretty nice of him to do, honestly. Anyway, when she came to again (because she got knocked out from Kagura's emotion-packed slap), Kyo was sitting there, because Kazuma had called him, ("Hey dude so there was a smackdown here and Tohru got knocked out lmao" is how I'm imagining the call. kjdhkfgjh can you imagine Kazuma saying "lmao" I can't) but Kyo didn't ask about the fight (which was a Wise Lesson from Shishou™), another nice thing for him to do, though in my opinion it would be a pretty easy thing to explain.

Ok, so now onto the second chunk, which kinda has some of the stuff in the third chunk later on but whatever. Story flow, it's pristine today.

It starts with some of the,, maids? or something that are in the Sohma house (they never get names so far as I can tell, and I don't really know what to call them, but at one point someone referred to one of them as a maid, I think? Idk.) talking about Ren, and wondering why Akito still let Ren wander around freely like she does. Another said that Akito can only do so much, because apparently there is a crowd of people in the house that are "Ren-followers", and if she had Ren be completely contained within an area, there's a chance that those followers might start some shit, which would be a headache to deal with. One of the maids said that Akito has been sick (or holed up in her room) for too long, and the rest of the Juunishi are doing nothing to help, which does not help with Ren, who spouts out stuff about how the Juunishi doesn't really care about Akito at all. The maids seem to have a particular thing against Ren, because they view her as an unsuitable woman who somehow managed to become partners with Akira, the previous God, I think, but also the father of Akito.

Speaking of Akito, she has a box. That same box that Ren tried to use Izusu to get back. Something about that box has to do with Akira, and it seems important to both Akito and Ren, though honestly at this point Akito is probably just holding onto it out of spite for Ren, I wouldn't be surprised (I, too, am a petty bitch. I understand the mindset). She asked Kureno if he has any idea what is in it, and when he says he doesn't, she simply says, "Father."

Now we jump over to Ren and Shigure, who are also talking about about that elusive box. Apparently Shigure was tasked to get the box, but obviously he didn't succeed. He said (thought? He didn't say it aloud, it was one of those thoughts thing--- anyway) that he didn't really care, he didn't even want to touch that box, much less even look at it, it was no loss to him. Out loud, he says that it would be inappropriate for him to hold it, and Ren agrees, saying that only she can have it, just like how only she could have Akira, when he was alive. Are you already sensing where this is heading? Well, I'll say it anyway.

Flash back to Kureno, he's thinking about Akira, from when he was younger and Akira was still alive. He remembers Akira as very beautiful, in a fleeting way. Akira was sickly, all the time, and sad. Everyone knew that he wouldn't live for very long. But since he was the head of the house, of the family, it was imperative that he find a partner and produce an heir. That person was Ren, who was one of his care-takers. The rest of the staff (or something??) didn't like that she was going to be with Akira, it seemed unsuitable, but she was the only candidate. She was the only person who recognized how lonely he was, is what Akira said as a defense when people objected. And so, they were married. The older members of the family despised it, the younger thought it was the beginning of a new change, a new era. Ren said (because this section is flipping between Kureno and Ren) that it was only them two (haha grammar): Akira and Ren, they were all who mattered. She was everything to Akira. So when she had Akito, well, that muddled things. Because now there was another person that Akira loved: his own fuckin child. That's right. Ren got jealous of her own child because Akira loved his very own daughter. That's,, that's something. Shortly after that, Ren decided that Akito would be raised as a boy. Or maybe it was while she was still pregnant. At any rate, she said it was because it would be unsuitable for the head of the family to be a woman, but we all know the real reason: it's so that Akira wouldn't be loving another girl, even though that other girl was his daughter. Jfc Ren is a handful. From Kureno's memory, it seems like even as a kid, Shigure recognized that.

Back to Shigure and Ren, Shigure says that he feels sorry for Ren, probably thanks to all that upset she has. She says the same, that the Juunishi have had to deal with the abuse that Akito has dealt to them simply because of that "bond", and that there's no way that anyone could honestly love Akito. Shigure also comments that sometimes he thinks that if Akito had been raised as a woman, she'd look exactly like Ren, which instantly pisses Ren off. She just starts screaming about "Who do you have to thank for Akito being born! I'm the reason that (insert angry comment about how she's the only reason why x happened)". I'm kinda glad she isn't in the series much, this is exhausting. I know she's in the book later, and maybe a bit more in the next few, but jeez. It's a lot.

Anyway, let's end the chapter with Momiji having his curse be broken. The end is near (for the Juunishi, not this post lmao).

The second that the curse breaks, Akito knows it (that's probably the bond. I doubt it's some kinda "we'll be friends forever uwu" kinda thing, it's just kinda an awareness of each other, or maybe just God's awareness of everyone) and races towards Momiji, begging him to not leave. Now that the curse is broken, Momiji is confused as to how those thoughts he had prior for Akito were even there, now that he sees Akito clinging onto him, whimpering and panicked. Momiji waves her away, saying that he'll keep it a secret, and that Akito should go rest, wasn't she feeling sick earlier?

We pan over to the school, where Haru is asking Yuki if he's noticed anything off about Momiji. Haru can't place it, but something seems off, maybe not. Kyo ends up running into Momiji walking down a hallway, and asks him about it (he overheard the others talking about it), and Momiji just out and says it: his curse broke. He said he imagines that Tohru would be happier about it if it were Kyo's curse that broke, and that he (Momiji) lost. (I guess he lost in some unspoken one-sided competition of "getting" Tohru, because y'know she's not her own person who is capable of deciding these things for herself or anything)

Later, Momiji goes back to the main Sohma estate, to apologize to Akito for how he acted yesterday, but also to say that he won't be staying there any longer. Akito takes it like a champ, slapping Momiji across the face and insulting him, saying that he's a traitor, he has nowhere else to go, his family either doesn't remember him or hates him, he'll never be happy! and Momiji's just like, "Yeah lol I already feel lonely", that he can't be with the person he loves, and he no longer has that One Thing that previously connected him to most of the other people he's close with, and that there's no going back. He does say though, that it's not Akito's decision or place to say whether Momiji will ever be happy or not, because he might not be happy now, that does not mean that he won't ever be happy in the future. He then asks Akito how long she will stay at the house, thinking that eventually, everyone will come back to her, that no one will be happy without her. What if it's actually her that is most afraid-- Akito isn't down for an analysis, she just tells Momiji to leave.

Let's now go down memory lane, down a nice and happy time, especially for Akito and Ren: Akira's death and it's after effects. Happy times. (apparently i was wrong, the thing i said was the third chunk that wove in nicely with the second was just the second chunk, i think this is the actual third chunk)

Akito is thinking back (on a rainy morning, extra points for setting the mood) on her relationship with her parents. With Akira, it was nice, he always was kind and caring, telling Akito that she is what everyone has been waiting for, and that she thought she was the one Akira loved the most. With Ren, however, she was always cruel, from the start. She always glared at Akito, she was always mean. Akito hates her. We're brought back to the day Akira died, where Ren bursts into the room, asking why she wasn't notified sooner, why Akira had to die alone. One of the attendants said his condition worsened too quickly to call Ren close by, but also that Akira hadn't died alone; he died with Akito by his side. The attendant said that Akira's will had been passed onto Akito, she was now the head of the family. Ren was angered at that, there's no reason for Akito to still be around now! She only tolerated her child being around because Akira liked her, but now that Akira is gone, there is no one to love or care about Akito. Akito said that wasn't true, that all of the Juunishi will love her, because of their bond. (Which is basically what Akira said. He put most of that stuff into her head, and she doubled down on it whenever Ren said anything against it, which might as well be every single time they were around each other)

Back to the present, Kureno comes in the room to talk about something, but Akito interrupts him, saying that she was happy when Yuki was born, as the Rat. It was mostly just something she used to prove Ren wrong, and she used it as long as she could (much to the deterioration of Yuki's mental health). She thought back, over the years, to all the bad things that had happened, how she tried so hard to keep everyone close, and how all of them had, one by one, come to "betray" (cough cough, try to live their own lives, cough cough) her. After Shigure and Yuki left to their present residence, Ren said that they had given up on Akito. When Akito again mentioned their bond (which, really, now that I think about it, has basically been the singular thing straining to keep everything under control. Akito's sole sense of identity was being God, she's never had anything else.), Ren waved it away, then challenged that if any of the Juunishi can go out into the world, experience it in all it's freaky magical ways, and not be taken in by it, and instead return to Akito, then she will have been proved wrong, Akito's claims this whole time will have been correct. If they failed to, however, Ren said that Akito would have to give up the Sohma name. But Akito believed it, she truly believed she was right, that nothing big enough would come between her and the rest of the Juunishi (Tohru has entered the chat). She had to believe it, she just had to. But now, it's evident, between how Haru reacted upon learning about Izusu, Momiji's demeanor after the curse broke, the general way that the rest of the Juunishi float away from Akito, that it isn't true, and with that, she has nothing to hope for.

Upon this realization, Ren bursts into the room, knee-length hair floating around her, eyes crazed, knife in hand, demanding for Akira. Demanding for that box, and whatever contents were inside. In response, Akito fuggin yeeted it at Ren, she didn't give a shit. It flashed back to right before Akira died, and he soothed Akito by saying that, despite dying, he will always be with her. He wanted for Ren to be happy. He wasn't upset that he was dying so soon, he knew that he was just a man who was going to die, but he was happy that he was able to have a child, and to have had that child with Ren, and since that child was special, it was proof that their relationship was a special one. Back to the present, Ren scrambles to the box, tears it open hungrily to find,,, nothing. The box was empty. It'd always been empty, said to have held Akira's soul, but it was mostly just something to help Akito with Akira's passing. Suddenly, Akito grabbed the knife that fell from Ren's hand, poised to stab Ren but then--

Hiro's curse broke. Ren can thank that bond she always scoffed at for saving her life. But hey, now Hiro can hold his baby sister, which is nice. Yay for family moments.

Boo for Akito, because it's just really grinding in that the curse is quickly falling apart, and there's absolutely nothing that she can do about it. Ren taunts Akito, asking if she was trying to kill her. The attendants blow up, one yelling at Ren for making such a scene, taking a knife with her, and another scolds the first for giving Akito that box in the first place, it's stupid! The first attendant said that Akito knew from the start that it was empty, common sense would say that much! (idk man it could've held one last letter from Akira to Akito, a letter wouldn't affect the weight of the box significantly, it's not common sense)

Akito leaves the room, and Kureno follows. Akito says that it was both common sense but also not, that there wasn't anything in the box. She wanted to believe there was a chance that something was in that box, some kind of invisible energy that would help her. But even after opening it, seeing that it was empty, she still held onto it, knowing there wasn't anything. And that was her common sense, that's what she thought. She'd never been given any other way of thinking, of living, so why and how should anyone expect differently? Kureno says that she can start learning now, that that was what he wanted to talk about earlier, that she can't stay here, she'll never be able to move on, to which Akito cuts him off with "Fuggin now, bitch?? You're saying that now?? That doesn't help me! It would have helped in the beginning! But not fucking now!" (which btw is true. i doubt akito was even allowed to go to a public school, that she was schooled within the estate. i really believe that she's never really been outside of the the properties that the Sohma family owns) Then she stabs Kureno, with that knife she's been holding all this time. She reasons with it saying that Kureno's "halfway kindness" has been killing her this whole time, that it can't be fixed by Kureno saying that maybe Akito should go touch some grass. As Akito is running from the scene (more like haggardly stumbling), she continues thinking that it's Kureno's fault, it's not on her, until she remembers what Yuki was saying at the New Year's gathering about blame. It doesn't really fix anything, it just momentarily makes you think that you're not in the wrong. *record scratch* What if it's Akito's fault, then? All of this? What if it's her fault? What if it's the fault of the person who made everyone change? What if it's Tohru's fault?? (dun dun dunnnn)

Meanwhile, back at the other Sohma house (Shigure's house?) Tohru has some confessing to do. Before that though, Kyo has some confessing to do, though not about the same thing. He tells Tohru that he knew her mom before she died, and that he was the reason she died. He tells her that they met when he was really young, and how they had kinda become friends (in that way that people become friends by talking often, but Kyo never told Kyoko his name, because he had some weird thing about having a name so similar). That all fell apart the day that Tohru went missing. He promised that he would find her and rescue her, but after finding that Yuki had done it (the evidence was The Hat), he lashed out, and never talked to Kyoko again. Years later, when he was at the crosswalk, who was beside him but Kyoko, who he recognized instantly. He wasn't sure what to do, whether to say something to her or hold back. He was totally able to grab her arm, get her out of harm's way, but he didn't, he was too scared. (plus yaknow the whole cat thing) He beats himself up about, still to this day. He does the same with his own mom's death. It was his fault that his mom killed herself, she couldn't stand having such a monster as a child. It was too much for her, and she couldn't take any longer. (It wasn't. I won't say that his mom wasn't put under strain for having Kyo, for knowing that he wasn't human, that he turned into a weird monster if his bracelet was taken off, but from what we've seen of his dad, it was probably at least 85-90% his dad's fault. He was too caught up in the politics of the Sohma family, ashamed of the fact that Kyo was the Cat, the worst out of them, that he couldn't even salvage having one of the good freaks to have as a child of his, and he took it all out on his wife and later his son.)

And the book ends on that cheery note. (Why do I say stuff like that why I am I like this)