#I haven't been all of me together with free time and internet much and all these notifications are going unread

[ereborne]

Song of the Day: June 1

"Easy Come, Easy Go” by George Strait

[nextinline-if]

Hi! How are you?

Short answer and the more polite answer since I don't think people on the internet want to hear my rants - I'm managing. I'm in therapy. On medication. Getting help and just taking it one day at a time right now.

Thanks for checking in anon and anyone else who has sent a message. I haven't abandoned the game. And I know that it doesn't help that I have no update now but I'm just kind of in the "I have to get my shit together or else" kind of place right now. I've spent years and years avoiding mental health and it's caught up with me.

Rants below just to provide some sort of update on why things are where they are, but feel free to ignore them.

I'm feeling lots of feelings at the moment. It's almost May and I've not really accomplished much at all this year. My mother-in-law is in the hospital, and the NHS just wants to send her home instead of helping her. I'm feeling incredibly helpless and useless as a partner, how do you support your partner through this? Doing my best but I'm so frustrated and can't do anything to make it better or make anyone listen and help my mother-in-law.

My employer is probably going under financially and many things don't sit right with my values so I'm stressing about finding a new job. Obviously grateful to have work but it's taken a huge toll on my mental health. I've dedicated dozens of hours each week to job hunting and interviewing - I feel so burnt out but can't afford to let up.

My therapist has asked me not to do any writing of any kind. She believes I am not in a place where this is productive for my mental health. I've always used writing as an outlet. These last couple of months have been difficult. I have not touched my journals, scripts, or games. My fingers ache to write but I don't want to let all my progress go up in flames so alas, this Tumblr ask is the most I've written in months and I can only hope I get better soon so that won't be the truth. I probably shouldn't have written this even but I've been feeling so guilty, every day it crosses my mind that I've just gone MIA on here.

If you read this, you're a gem and I'm sorry if it's too personal - I just don't want anyone to think I've abandoned things. I'm just really focused on healing right now because I have to focus on it.

Wishing you the best.

-Vi

[ladykailitha]

Look, considering I've only gotten involved in Stranger Things after season four and therefore haven't been around the fans during other new season filming starts, but my brothers/sisters/nb in fandom what the honest fuck is going on right now?

I have been a part of other fandoms when new seasons started filming and the worst I'd seen was BBC Sherlock. And you lot are behaving worst then they did.

And Jesus fuck, that's a fucking low ass bar.

(Again I am ship and let ship, kinktomato, and headcanon free for all)

But this is just what I've seen in my small deliberately secluded corner of the internet so forgive me if I get some things wrong.

Ronance fans have turned on Steddie fans.

Steddie fans are trying to eat each other over who tops and who bottoms between two horny, barely out of their teens, men.

Eddie is confirmed dead.

Dustin is trying to become Eddie.

People want Will dead because Noah Schnapps said some stupid shit regarding genocide.

And Argyle isn't coming back.

I'm going to give you my feelings on these so buckle up lets go:

1- Steddie and Ronance fans have turned on each other. And I know this because I doom scroll through steddie tag. That Ronance fans think Steddie fans are delusional and that they're going down after season five airs and there will be more Ronance fans because they're perfect for each other.

Where to even begin on this? First, never tell a shipper that their ship is never going to be canon because they don't care. Just ask all the Destiel, johnlock, and merarthur fans. Steddie fans are just going to ignore all but the most salient parts of season 5 if Eddie doesn't come back and write AUs for the rest of their lives. You know, like they have since the last scene on the Piggyback faded to black?

Secondly, I don't think I've seen much Ronance without Steddie. Granted I only read Steddie, but it seems that the two ships are tied pretty heavily together. The fruity four comes to mind. So maybe it's that they're getting tired of being a side ship next to a massive one like Steddie. Who knows. But apparently they're bitter.

And I say that because they keep tagging their anti-Steddie posts as Steddie to make sure we see it. Honestly, I just block them and go about my day. But seriously, I've never understood people's need to be shitty like posting hate on the tag for that thing. If you don't like it, fine. Block and move on.

Thirdly. Lastly. Maybe. I don't like Ronance. I saw the charms when I first joined the fandom and it was cute. Until the more I read and I realized that most of the time they don't bring up that Jonathan is even a person let alone Nancy's current boyfriend. That most of the time Steve is written wildly out of character about not caring that they're a couple and that he just wants them to be happy. Like, one Jonathan is severely under used in the fics I've read. Like Will doesn't have an older brother anymore. It's all Steve or Eddie. Which considering how you like your flavor of queer for Eddie or Steve (gay/pan/bisexual) Will talking to them about being gay makes sense, but Jonathan showed us in the last season that he is going to protect Will no matter what. Then blip! in fanfics, he's gone.

And then the whole Steve being okay with Robin not only dating an ex-girlfriend of his, but the ex. The one he thought he was going to marry. The one he dreamed a whole fucking future on. That was still hurt by two fucking years later. You either think very lowly of Steve or you just don't care. Because if you think Robin and Steve are the same person/share the same braincell/ride or die for life, there is no way even if Nancy threw herself at Robin would she even consider it. (I can write a whole ass post just on this by the way, don't get me started.)

2- This is the most recent bullshittery due to a current event about Sub Eddie. This is the worst discourse in any fandom and the worst offenders on either side tend say the most homophobic shit imaginable.

And it's pointless. Whether you think Steve is a top or bottom, whether you think he's dom or a sub. Same with Eddie. Everyone has their own flavor they prefer and they won't always match up with yours.

Personally I write them whatever feels natural for the story. But here's the major crux of the matter. I don't believe a little nerd in Bumfuck, Indiana has any idea what flagging is. I'm sorry. Left pocket, right pocket. Doesn't matter. The likely of him even knowing what BDSM is is pretty slim. I grew up in a small town. There will be some people that know, but that's because they know adults in the scene.

Don't like, don't read. Seriously, guys. Let people enjoy what they want to.

My personal feelings on the matter is that Steve is a bottom/sub because he deserves to be taken care of and Eddie would absolutely want to be that person for Steve, in and out of the bedroom. Again, you do you, beau.

3- The tombstone. Sigh. It was hard to see that. Not just because it confirms he's dead, but because it's been defaced. Most likely like fans have said, "BURN IN HELL" the poor bastard.

Having a tombstone doesn't necessarily preclude Eddie's return. There are several ways he can still comeback Kas! theory not withstanding. But the wank here is people jumping on Steddie shippers and Eddie fans in general pointing and screaming "see!"

Like we didn't have campaigns for Barb and Bob and (Billy). If someone's favorite character has died, don't be dicks when they want them to be resurrected a la Jim Hopper. Because that right there is the main reason people will still hold out hope until the final scene fades to black, okay?

I guess this one is just be nicer to each other, okay?

4- *sob* like holy fuck. Dustin you sweetheart. The long hair, the torn Hellfire t-shirt, the rings. The horns and sticking out his tongue. That poor boy needs several hugs STAT! And of course, people can't leave well enough alone on Facebook, I couldn't tell you how many of the comments were "steddie fans are going to make this all about them, aren't they?" Even though there wasn't a single comment by a Steddie making it about Steve/Eddie. But so many eye rolls. The other half were death threats against Noah Schnapp.

Which brings me to...

5- Noah Schnapp said some really shitty things about Zionism and the attack on Gaza. There is no escaping that. He said them. He double downed on them. And while yes it sucks he said those things, let's not forget he's still young and stupid. He's barely 18/19 years old. I remember being that age and saying stupid fucked up shit, and hoo boy does this make me grateful I was well into adulthood when the internet became a thing (24ish).

There are a lot of reasons to be upset by his comments and I get that. But death threats and calls for his dismissal/boycotts just seems excessive to me.

One, because the story began with a kidnapped little boy and a runaway little girl. If you get rid of one of them especially this close to the end it would fuck up the story. Now if there was more than one season left, sure. But this is literally the end. And for all we know, Will's character may already be doomed by the narrative. So calling for it now isn't go to do anything. Especially since they already had all the scripts written and would have finished filming if it hadn't been for the strikes.

Two, one person on the cast said something stupid and hurtful and you want to boycott the entire show for it? Like, what did David Harbor, Joe Keery, Maya Hawke, Millie Bobby Brown and all the others do to deserve you boycotting their show? If the last season tanks it could seriously hurt their careers, but hey Noah Schnapp said something bad, so fuck them?

I'm going to stop there, because this is another one I can go on and on about, but yeah. Don't hurt other people in your rush to vilify an 18 year old.

6- Eduardo Franco recently said that he didn't get a call so he didn't think he would be back. He was sure that ship had sailed.

Fans are upset, naturally. Argyle was a sweetheart and deserves better than to be cut from the story like that.

But thanks to the incident with David Harbor and Jim Hopper supposedly being dead, a lot of fans are saying he's only saying that because it's a "secret" he's coming back. Which would make sense for Eddie or any of the other character died. Martin Brenner, for example, but not Argyle. There would be no need for subterfuge. Plus, he would already be out in Georgia if he was coming back.

It's sad that he was done dirty this way, but if they split up the filming like they've done before there is still a chance he might get to come back, but as far as the current filming is concerned, yeah Argyle isn't coming back.

***

Just... be kind to each other. Remember that the other people on the end of the URL is an actual person with feelings. That people can like what they like so if they aren't hurting you, don't hurt them, okay?

[motionlessonigiri]

Hi Sabezra community.

Am I an English speaker? No. That's why I apologize in advance for the crimes against the English language that I'm going to commit next. But I still hope you can understand me. I'm not even sure anyone will see this.

It's been a while since I came here to find people who love the same things as me. Like a refuge from the outside world. I planned to post something only when I had something interesting to share with you all, like a video edit or fanart. Things so we could have fun together.  The current circumstances didn't allow me to do anything for now, so I was just following things as a spectator.

Seeing all this ship war going on, made me feel like I wanted to get away from all social media, so I wouldn't see these things anymore.  I also felt scared to express my love for this ship too. I'm scared to post this now.

Even my mother noticed that something was bothering me.  She asked me several times what I had.  I didn't want to tell her, because she's also a Star Wars fan and I don't want her to know everything that's going on. I want her to continue watching our favorite shows without thinking about negative things.

I want to get the hell away from it all, but for once, I would like to post this to all the Sabezra shippers who are receiving free hate. I think you guys need some love after suffering so much hate and I need to get out how I'm feeling. Because that's all I can do for now.

This whole time, I saw your fanart, I saw your video edits and I read many of the beautiful fanfics you wrote (I confess that I haven't read them all yet, it's due to lack of time, but I loved everything I read).

I see everyone putting so much love into what they do. And I can't ask you to continue, because I myself don't know if I'll ever be able to post anything in the future. But to be honest, I don't want you to stop.  Am I being cowardly and selfish? Perhaps, but it's the truth.

But I'm here to remind you that not all Sabezra shippers are so active on social media, but we exist.

I've been a Star Wars fan for a few years and only watched Rebels during the pandemic. I started shipping Sabezra since then.

I was so happy that the Ahsoka series exists. And now I couldn't even watch Ahsoka or Rebels (I tend to rewatch the things I like many times). Because every time I try to watch it I'm reminded of this whole ship war that's going on.

So I decided to talk to a friend. He is also a Star Wars fan (and a fan of Rebels, which I recommended to him), but he doesn't follow things that happen on social media. We always talk about Star Wars, but we never talked about ships.  But today I asked him what he thought of Ezra and Sabine.

He is my childhood friend and we practically grew up together, so I thought: "If he sees Sabine and Ezra as just friends/siblings, just like he and I are, maybe I'm seeing too much in the interactions between Sabine and Ezra and and I should just stop shipping them." 

But to my surprise he also ships Sabezra. He said that you can see in the exchange of looks between them that there is something (In fact, my friend and I never look at each other the same way Sabine and Ezra look at each other). And he thinks Sabine is in love with Ezra.

The same case happens with my mother, who also loves Rebels and watches everything from SW since when she was young, but without following all the discussions that happen on the internet.  When we watched Ahsoka, she said she thought Sabine liked Ezra since Rebels.  She said this without me saying anything about shipping them.  And when I asked her if she thought it was wrong to ship them, she said no and said she thinks they will be together someday.  (I know, this may never happen, but hearing this from my mom warmed my little heart)

Even a friend of mine who isn't a fan, just watches casually, asked me if Sabine had a crush on Ezra.

Talking to these people from outside made me feel better, because this may not have been the intention of Dave and the others, but you can see that, based on common sense, no one can blame us for shipping them, it seems natural to many people. And not all Sabezra Shippers can be seen expressing this around.

I have nothing against anyone who ships wolfwren.  But I won't lie and say I wasn't sad that the cast supported it so openly, while we are accepting crumbs. I confess that at first I felt betrayed. I haven't shipped Sabezra for as long as many of you, but I feel like I have. But thinking clearly, I understand them. Besides thinking that they can to ship whatever they want, just like us, I see it as a way for them to show support for the LGBT community. It is to be expected that they will do this. And it's okay.

Needless to say, I'm just posting this to express what I was feeling, I have no intention of hurting anyone.  I am completely against any type of hate.

I don't regret watching Ahsoka, nor do I regret that the series existed.  But I'm sorry to have seen so much fighting and hatred for something that was made to make us all happy. I wish I had followed everything in ignorance, as well as my friend and my mother. I think I'll start seeing things that way from now on.

I had a lot more to say, but I still don't know how to express them in words and this was turning into a mile long post.  My first post and this was huge.  I'm sorry for this. I needed to get these things out because I want to sleep and focus on the more important things I have to do.

And I want to be able to enjoy watching Ahsoka and Rebels again without feeling sick out remembering all the discussion surrounding it.

For now, I want you to know that I've been loving all the Sabezra content you've been posting. What I want to say is that I'm here and that I will continue to ship Sabezra until the end. Even if you don't see me interacting here.

Maybe later I'll regret posting this. 

Maybe I'll delete it right away. 

Maybe I'll never come around here again. 

I don't know.

Too late. But everything is fine. 

At least now you know I'm here.

I love you all.

[unusualcliches]

My season three thoughts: After numerous failed attempts of watching part two of Bridgerton yesterday, I finally finished the last episode at three in the morning so I decided to sleep on it. Now that I’ve processed it a little I feel like I must get this out of my chest. Like most fans, I have mixed feelings. Overwhelming feelings. Feelings that are like torture – Kidding!

No but really, it has been a long time since a piece of media has made me feel this much, both good and bad. Watching these last four episodes, my heart was in my throat, I was grinning like a maniac and tearing up more often than I care to admit. And isn't that the point of art? I can honestly say that overall the positives far outweigh the negatives, for me, at least. There's something to be said about the choice of releasing the season in two parts, about cramped, eight-episode-seasons and the lack of breathing room, about the ever growing number of characters, about expectations so high they might as well have been setting themselves up for failure (or rather, the fans up for disappointment) but I don't want to linger on any of that. I understand feeling let down and there are many, many reasons for it. But to me, in particular? Well, all of that is overshadowed by this huge wave of affection I feel for the people who put this show together.

Because this is Penelope Featherington's season, and I have loved this character for at least fifteen years. I've been carrying her around in my pocket, hidden from view, because I was ashamed to admit a "silly, little romance novel that teen me read in secret on my computer when my parents weren't looking" could ever have impacted me so much. (Yes, internalized misogyny, I see you, leave me alone.) But it did impact me, so much so that when I needed to, I took Penelope's name as my alias in the hope it would make me brave enough to come out of my shell on the internet, if not in real life. And no, the irony is not lost on me, there is a reason I was so drawn to her character, just as I know so many other people are. She is incredibly relatable.

This last month I've been talking and talking about all the ways this show's popularity is validating and how freeing it feels to be able to discuss this character that is so close to my heart with so many people, and to see the outpour of love she's been getting. Because she's so relatable, there are hundreds of us who see ourselves in her while at the same time admire her growth and her cleverness and wish we could be that brave, even for just one day. To see her stand up for herself the way she did was amazing and I could never resent a show for fleshing out my favorite character like this. If anyone had told teen me that one day I would get to watch Bridgerton come alive in HD, and that Penelope would be played by the most gorgeous, charismatic actress who'd wear all these beautiful costumes and dance to amazing instrumental versions of some of my favorite songs as she found her way to her happily ever after, I would have thought I was dreaming?! There is simply so much to celebrate this season, I couldn't fathom choosing to lean into the frustration or the resentment that some things haven't turned out exactly the way I wished.

That said, I will definitely be using this blog to work out the things that I felt were lacking too in the near future because I am thoroughly invested in Colin and Penelope's love story and that's not changing any time soon. What's this about this ride being over because the season ended??? Kids, please, now is the time we get to finally play with this toy we've been reaching for at the high shelf of the store!!! It's ours now to do as we please and I have ~so many ideas~. I simply crave more of them. I loved (most) of what we got this season, and I plan to roll around in all the good bits, just as I am already craving all the fix-it fics that I know are coming. You know, one of the things about part one was that the show was so good about giving me everything I ever wanted, there was hardly anything I wanted to read/write about. Well, I will say that that's certainly changed! I'm gonna save my detailed feelings about Polin for another post because this is already completely out of hand but I will say this: I am tired of seeing strong female characters having to sacrifice their romantic relationships as they crawl their way to self-acceptance and empowerment. That is realistic, to be sure, but Bridgerton is supposed to be for the dreamers, isn't it? So why not give Penelope her cake and let her eat it too? All in all, though, I feel like I had a delicious piece of cake but I’m left still yearning for the cherry on top. Perhaps in season 4?

[slayerkitty]

Only Friends: "Hot Take - Do Not Fuck Your Boss"

Credit to @chalkrevelations for the title, that part of your post made me giggle and pointed out an undercurrent of a theme that's running far in the background of the show.

Hot Take: DO NOT FUCK YOUR BOSS

We actually see this concept in four pairings on the show (sort of).

Starting with Sand and Ray (yeah, they did start as an employee/employer relationship). Ray was paying Sand to hang out with him. He paid Sand to drive him home that one time. Now, since episode two, when they slept together, based on Sand's "If I like you, I'll do it for free" line (paraphrasing), we can assume that Ray is no longer/hasn't paid him since. Essentially though, Sand fucked his boss and now look where he is. Ray still thinks he owns him, that Sand is a possession.

They've explored this with Top and Mew, too. Technically, the Fab Four are/were Top's bosses. They employed him (and are/were presumably paying him) to redesign the hostel for them. Top ends up sleeping with two of his bosses (Mew and Boston). He's actually manipulated into sex by his boss (Boston) and when the news gets out, Mew and Ray essentially fire Top. Boston, as one of the bosses, is loosely exiled from the group but not the project. Top is out of a job and a boyfriend (on the flip of this here, we know this is not Top's only job, he works with his dad at the hotel, but still).

We're also getting ready to see this with Daddy Dan (never calling him anything else, I don't make the rules) and Nick. Nick's been hired on for this project; Daddy Dan is super shifty that whole scene, blatantly coming on to Nick the whole time (whether that translation was supposed to be "Lick my ass" or "Kiss my ass" really doesn't matter, both amount to the same meaning here, lol). We all know this isn't going to end well for Nick. How we get there remains to be seen. Is this going to ruin Nick's chance for a career he wants? Will this fuck up his graduation chances? Will he end up with a sex tape on the internet (ngl, legit worried about this last one)?

The fourth couple this applies to is Yo and Plug. Yeah. So, their relationship has been subtle, playing out in the background and aside from their very pointed break up today, we haven't gotten much detail on them... or have we? In episode three, Plug and Yo talk about Plug being at the bar so much because he's a bartender. In episode 8, Plug says that Yo flirted with him for like a month before they got together. What that says to me is, Yo hired this guy has a bartender, thought he was cute and proceeded to PERSUE HER EMPLOYEE. Now, they're broken up. Does that mean Plug no longer has a job? Is Yo out an employee as well as a boyfriend?

It's an interesting exploration of power dynamics that a lot of shows, even ones that are office/work based BLs, don't quite seem to focus on the bad outcomes of. It's literally saying this is a bad thing, it can mess up your life.

So yes, hot take: do not fuck your boss.

Tagging the Ephemerality Squad: @lurkingshan, @waitmyturtles, @wen-kexing-apologist, @chickenstrangers, @ranchthoughts, @twig-tea, @clara-maybe-ontheroad, @distant-screaming

Apologies to anyone I forgot!

[goodluckclove]

An Interview Series

Stop Two: A Private Room with @cssnder

When i thought to do this, Cassander Di Angelo was one of the first people I knew would make for good conversation. What resulted was something far more vulnerable on my end than I ever expected. She was kind, insightful, and intelligent as always, but I had to wait a few extra days before posting the log from this stop on my journey.

Join us as we discuss the nuance of identity in person, online, and on the page, and the reasons for why we do what we do.

If you want a closer look into Cassander's fascinating voice, I highly suggest signing up for her Substack. It's free, and you'll get direct access to her writing once it's developed! Now join us on this stop as we meet Cass somewhere quiet and secluded.

Now Playing: You Want it Darker by Leonard Cohen

It was a small, private, room of a quite picturesque sort. No bed, no television. There was a green sofa (one of those hideous things one could only find on sale the day following the death of an elderly, the kind you'd think smell of death but for whatever reason your girlfriend loves it), an antic wooden desk that stood grotesquely in the middle of the room, and an innumerable number of bookshelves. It wasn't much, and yet, the room seemed full.

The most interesting part was not so much the furnitures dressing the room but rather the few other details that were not of real interest when taken separately but created a striking picture when assembled together: the half-played game of solitaire spread on the floor, a selection of colourful ties hanging from the back of the sofa, papers all over the desk and piles of books everywhere but on the shelves.

The window was left open. And, in the morning fog, the sky turned into a pious white while the earthy smell of oak trees filled the cold November air. Melancholic, like a sad tune sang among magnolias.

where are we right now?

In a nameless town where no one knows me.

it's certainly a literary environment. i read through your entire blog so far while i was waiting to talk to you.

I used to be much more active on other platforms — Twitter, mainly. But as time went by, I learnt to love privacy and staying away from social medias. I think Tumblr is the platform I am the most active on, if that says anything about my relationship with the internet.

i have some mixed feelings on your content that i think would make for good conversation if you're open to it.

Sure, tell me.

so we've both been writing for a decade or longer. it's been fourteen years for me, and i think you said it was ten or more for you. would you say your practice up until now has also been very solitary? Yes, definitely.

i got the feeling. i can't cite the exact post, but i read something where you dove into your style of observational nuance, the aspects of strangers you take note of. And i immediately related, as someone who works the same way by instinct, but i found myself cringing. it felt like you were describing something deeply intimate about the creative process that you weren't supposed to put to paper. What I suppose i mean to say is that, after ten years of writing alone, how much do you still work to be understood by others? And to what extent?

Quite frankly, there are times where I feel like I don't really understand myself — maybe it's because I am only twenty-three, perhaps I haven't been human long enough yet to feel too sure on my feet. And I suppose, because of that, I do not expect anyone to understand me.

God, am I aware how it sounds so pessimistic but you know I do not mean it that way. I simply do not want to put unfair expectations on people simply because, in my mind, I was sure they, this person specifically, would understand me. If that makes sense? Plus, there are so many sides of us. I don't think we ever understand ourselves a hundred percent. So how could other people?

it's a strange juxtaposition to have that mindset and also be a writer and actor. someone might assume those are two mediums where the person is a vessel meant to relay an intent of some kind. to be comprehended, so to speak.

I think I do not necessarily want to be comprehended but rather offer something to other people — a minute of distraction, them feeling seen, or simply some inspiration. It's not to much about me but rather about them?

I remember something Margaret Atwood said in one videos. I saw it a long time ago so it's not verbatim, of course. But she said that once a book is out in the world, it's not yours anymore. No matter the message you put in it, everyone will interpret it as they want. Of course, it's better if they get what's written as you've written it. But you also have to accept that, most of the time, everyone will take what they want and leave the rest.

are you lonely? creating art as just an offering to the world sounds to me like the objective of someone who's either fulfilled in separate relationships or so lonely they've given up on escaping the feeling.

What other reason do people have to create art?

to be seen to some extent. to share a message that's important to them. to release something from within themselves. to process a color they're worried only they can see. or to just give a story to the world. no reason is better than the other.

I'm not lonely. But I do feel bored and stuck, though. Like I'm not living enough.

you do seem to cultivate some sort of Life Aesthetic from how you describe things. you know, black coffee and earl grey tea. classic music on a record player. violin and card games. russian literature, possibly in dog-eared paperback. the kids online would call it “dark academia”.

Yes, I love those and while I suppose what you say is true to a certain extent — I do love aesthetics as long as I make the rules for my own — I do not want to feel stuck in it. It would be hell, and it shouldn't be so serious. I love a variety of things — Nu metal, black leather, Barbie movies and animes like My Hero Academia.

it's odd how we only show certain parts of ourselves in different spaces. i don't think anyone reading your blog would peg you as a nu metal fan. i feel like i just uncovered a major scoop.

I supposed many of us feel like they need to have a more distinct aesthetic or some sort of brand. Even subconsciously so. I think, even if I didn't want to, there would always be different versions of me in my novels because I base everything on my feelings, me, places I've seen, people I've known. Oliver and his melancholy and need to live something, anything, is one version of me. If I were to write a book about a wanna be singer, it would also be a version of me, little me from the past who wanted to be a singer too. I think the version of me I put the most is my emotional self more than an aesthetic.

can you describe your emotional self?

Intense. Very often, I feel like my heart is too big for my body, you know. But it's also very important for me. If there's one thing that would make me more unhappy than to be overwhelmed by emotions, it's apathy. [Laughs] God, you must wonder what kind of weirdo you're interviewing.

no i'm actually quietly having an existential crisis in my discord server. this is very enlightening. is that something you think is present in the current novel you're developing?

Oh, definitely. I am really into stories fueled by the characters' emotional worlds. Oliver is a mess of self-doubts, of pressure to live something and feeling scared he'll never get to, of wanting to please at all costs. Wilhelm is apathy and the secret desire to let loose just to see what happens. It is safe to say I've always prioritized the emotional quality over the plots and events themselves.

i was supposed to have you introduce yourself. do you think you could maybe pitch your novel for new people?

My novel Thus Saith The Lord is set in Prague, in 1987. The story focused on a young student named Oliver, who's bored of his life and wishes for more in some sort of Bovary-way. He drops out and flees his monotonous home town in the countryside to move to a big city and finally live his life. Unfortunately, things do not turn out the way he hoped. Eventually, he ends up practically poor there and lonely and despises his new way of life. However, he goes on to befriend a guy who, with his connections, helps him integrate his Catholic school, thus pushing him to continue his studies. Once there, Oliver becomes morbidly fascinated by one of his classmates. What started out as a simple friendship quickly turns into obsession and desperation as the lines of morality become blurred.

As for me introducing myself: My name is Cassander, I am a twenty- three year old writer and aspiring actress from France.

assuming this draws a new audience to your blog and substack, what could they expect to see from you?

Anything in terms of medium — novels, poetry, short stories. Quite frankly, there's a melancholy feeling that permeates almost all my work. They can expect that already. As well as stories with immoral and horrible characters, intense emotions, terrible decisions, and existential themes. Do not expect anything tender or joyful, I've never been good for that sort of things.

and since you claimed you'd give yourself 10 years to write thus saith the lord, i feel like people are in for a pretty intense journey.

that's all i have to talk about. i could speak for much longer but i don't want to take up too much of your space. mind narrating my exit from this little room to close us out?

The teas had been drunk, and the conversation had died. Not an unpleasant silent, but rather the sort of satisfied ending, like after a good meal.

Clove got up. “That's all I have to talk about. I could speak for much longer but I don't want to take up too much of your space." They said.

A kind and polite ending to our conversation. Although it wasn't like I had plenty of people waiting at my door or a full schedule. I nodded, before walking them to the door. We exchanged our goodbyes, and as they walked away, I remembered these words by Shakespeare that I knew by heart:

“And whether we shall meet again I know not. Therefore our everlasting farewell take: For ever, and for ever, farewell, [trustees]! If we do meet again, why, we shall smile; If not, why then, this parting was well made.”

previous stop

[dontmixpaintinyourcoffee]

Ive been watching Frankenstein movies again (I think I'm gonna have to make some kind of something about it, but I also have never made a video for the internet before so... To be determined?)

Anyways- I have a new recommendation for Frankenstein nerds with time on their hands! And I haven't seen much about it?? Maybe I'm not looking hard enough, but even the 1994 Kenneth Branagh version has something of an audience, and I think this one deserves at least that amount of attention.

Drumroll please!!

"Frankenstein" 2004, Directed by Kevin Connor

Now I think the reason this one is so unwatched is because it's actually a TV movie broken into two "episodes". The whole thing is about 3 hours long. And weirdly enough, aired on Hallmark??? But guys it's like. Really really good. Like, REALLY really good.

Some highlights for me personally include:

Henry Clerval! He's here! He's jolly! He's a little bit of a menace! Genuinely though he has a wonderful sense of charm and charisma to him, which works really well against the naturally more serious and dramatic Victor. Plus he's a history nerd with a bad relationship with his dad who doesn't want him to go to college. So naturally he hops on Victor's carriage mid-ride to Ingolstadt. What a guy

Elizabeth! Her relationship with Victor feels natural, but she also feels like her own person. Also they don't frame it like they're siblings (looking at you Kenneth). It feels more like they're childhood sweethearts who happen to live together, there's never a point where they refer to each other as siblings, there was never an intention from the parents to make them siblings, it just feels way less icky than many other adaptations. (It's still kinda weird though just on principle) I think she could've been explored more but she's fun when she's on screen. She paints, she jokes around, she has goals and expectations, I like her.

The portrayal of Victor is one of the most successfully sympathetic I've ever seen. It is very very easy to make Victor an asshole. Which he is, but it's easy to make him the wrong kind of asshole. Petty and vindictive, eager to run away from responsibility and denying the consequences of his actions. That's not him here. It's more that he's overwhelmed. He's completely over his own head. There's a lot of emphasis put on the fact that Victor is mentally unwell after his experiments. He's completely broken himself down, the minute the lightning thing doesn't work he flies into a rage. And then when the Creature starts breathing, he sees it for a few seconds and then blacks out. As far as he knows, he hallucinated the thing getting up (and he continues to experience paranoid hallucinations throughout the story, it's not a one time assumption). He still abandons the Creature, but it's not because he hates it, it's because he's exhausted and overwhelmed and literally doesn't know what's real. And that goes a long way in making the two feel equally sympathetic, which I think is very important.

This portrayal of The Creature is also one of the most successfully compelling I've ever seen! His performance is very gentle and quiet, which I think makes his rage and torment all the more intense. It's pretty common for the Creature to speak in a deep growl or low-toned monologues, but Luke Goss keeps his voice light and soft, which really really works. Plus I think his makeup and costuming is excellent. They stick way closer to the book description. He has a very pretty well-shaped face, but his skin is dry, grey, and cracked. His eyes are bright but sunken in shadow, and stitches poke out from just under his hairline. At the same time it's believable that Victor designed him to be beautiful, and that strangers would find him unnerving.

It's definitely too long, but it's a good time! You can also just find it on YouTube for free so, bonus points for that

[cilil]

Since everyone are asking about ships, do you have: popular ship that you are not into, but can see the idea; popular ship you are not into and can't understand why; and a ship popularity of which surprises you (in either positive or negative sense).

Genuinely curious, not trying to start any drama, but naturally feel free to delete if you don't feel like answering. Nice day to you!

Hey anon! Lovely day to you too and thanks for the ask!

(I'm going to preface this by saying these type of asks can be a bit tough to answer for me, since I'm just pretty chill with ships and sometimes can't even tell how popular a thing is while drifting around in my comfortable little bubble, and my answers might not be super juicy, but I wanted to try giving some anyway ^^)

Popular ship that you are not into, but can see the idea

I brainstormed a bit which popular ships came to mind and also went on AO3 to filter for the most written Silm ships. I actually love all the ones that came up (especially Angbang haha), so I suppose I have nothing in that regard.

If I wanted to give a funny answer, I'd say Beren/Lúthien (the author's canonical self-insert would count as fairly popular, yeah?) because yes, I get the idea and there's a lot of romantic stuff going on, but I will never understand giving up fucking hot angels in Valinor for the sake of a human man who came crawling out of the bushes one day (listen, you guys do you, and creeping on people in forests seems to be some sort of Ainurin/Valinorean dating tradition, but I would be calling the police, ok? Don't creep on me in my forest please unless your name is Eönwë). Lúthien, girl, I love you, but this choice is personally offensive to me and my efforts to get my hands on hot angels. Maybe I'm also just too arospec for this, happy pride month.

(I should perhaps add that such opinions are always subject to change, all it takes is one person giving me one idea that gets me thinking and the entire thing could look different tomorrow. These are snapshots of a moment in time, if you will.)

((Also in case it needs to be said, please nobody take my funny answers too seriously.))

Popular ship you are not into and can't understand why

Hmmm, to properly answer that I would probably have to get into my NOTPs and that's a topic I don't want to discuss on this blog.

Please don't feel bad for asking, I appreciate it, but that's just one thing I decided for myself because, while I think nobody should put too much emphasis on my - a random person on the internet that I believe nobody here has met! - opinion, some people do and/or get upset that not everyone likes their ship. And I get it, I don't like people talking crap about my favorite characters and ships to my face either. So yeah, I just don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable :)

Ship popularity of which surprises you (in either positive or negative sense)

Heh. This will be a fun one, but bear with me for a second, alright?😅

I'm going to say Russingon. Now, now, put down the pitchforks. When I read the Silmarillion, I was very new to fandom and shipping in general and was also reading mostly just for an overview of everything and to learn more about Melkor and Mairon, so I didn't think too much of the Russingon interactions. Hopping onto AO3 immediately after, I quickly learned about them being shipped, went "oh yeah, I totally see this" and have been a supporter ever since.

The reason why its popularity surprises me is quite simply that I come from a fandom where people were incredibly weird and hostile regarding any sort of incest, including all variations of pseudo-incest ("sibling-coded", found family, etc.). I essentially went from a fandom that bullied me out of shipping two characters who were neither biologically related nor had grown up together nor even knew each other prior to their meeting as adults simply because they apparently had sibling vibes to a fandom whose top ship are half-cousins.

In case I haven't made it sufficiently clear: It was a very positive surprise. I frankly think very little of fandoms who clutch their pearls over pixels on a screen kissing and police what people can and can't ship, and I feel just so much more comfortable in a fandom where people are more chill and used to it. Thank you, Russingon!

[shinycollarboneapologist]

PLEASE GIVE US WHAT WE WANT (TAYLOR VERSE TALKING ABOUT RUMORS)

sighs. (if i get bullied off of tumblr.com .. ur all coming with me)

when the article first drops, you have to stifle a laugh. matty and taylor are no strangers to dating rumors, but seeing a headline about the two of them makes your skin heat and your stomach flip. so you laugh to ease unhinged green monster that's on your back. you know it's not true, you're literally sat in front of taylor drinking an aperol spritz in italy. there's no way. (she's also grossly uninterested especially after hearing what went down with the two of you in the states, which kind of spurred the whole girls trip but that's besides the point).

it still stings though; looking at the person you had so viciously claimed as yours (even if it was just to yourself) being linked up with your best friend. and it's poorly timed. your life had been blissfully matty free for weeks. it was your own doing seeing as you blocked his number and on all social media platforms possible, but now here you are trying to ward of misplaced jealousy with alcohol and sunshine.

taylor makes light of it over lunch and you two share a laugh about the timing of it all. it helps to ease the fire in you, makes swallowing the pill of acceptance a little bit easier.

he calls later that night. well, you recieve a call from george and when you answer there's heavy breathing on the line until you roll your eyes, "george? what's up?"

"i need to talk to you."

matty.

you inwardly groan, but it must have slipped out because he only sighs.

"i'm hanging up, matty." his name feels foreign on your tongue, syllables that haven't been uttered together in weeks. his voice still makes you tense up, still has your heart racing a bit in your chest.

"no. i mean, please don't," he murmurs feebly.

"what is it then?" you're growing impatient and you're unsure if its in yourself for not just biting the bullet and hanging up or at him for his long winded round about way to get a sentence out. "i don't have all day."

"taylor and i aren't dating," matty breathes, "just wanted you to know that before you see it."

you laugh, embittered, "i've seen it already. and i know. i'm with her right now."

he curses under his breath, "i'm not on speaker, am i?"

"no."

"okay good."

it's silent, aside from the sound of his feet hitting the floor on the other side of the phone. he's pacing, and by the sounds of it, the phone is shuffling under his ear as he ruffles his hair. you hear the click of a lighter and an inhale.

"i'm not that much of a dick, y'know? wouldn't go after your friend after you ended things-"

"matty. i mean this in the nicest conceievable way possible: i really don't care," you interupt, but he keeps going.

"like you know i'm not a dick. i'm just wired differently, and i do some stupid shit a lot of the time. but fucking your friends and stuff would not be one of them- oh."

"we haven't spoken in weeks. and this is what you call me about? a stupid rumor?" you can practically see him wince in your head. you do feel bad, but not bad enough to take back what you said at least. he'd dug his own grave, and now it was his turn to lie in it and face any repercussions he had garnered from it. "listen, i'm sorry people are being rude to you on the internet but i meant it when i said i didn't want to see or hear from you ever again."

"i was just trying to-"

"prove to me that you're not a dick, i get that," you sigh, "but you're about four weeks late on that one."

you hang up after that, not wanting to listen to his endless and ill-fated apologies. if he was actually sorry, he would've reached out sooner, made an effort at least. instead, he's popped your "matty-free bubble" and its taking every last fiber of your being not to call him back and let him spew it all on you. you would consume every lie he ever spun you happily if you could just have your own peace of mind back. because he might not be dating taylor, but that doesn't mean there won't be others.

it's a hard pill to swallow; looking at something that was so uniquely yours as it fades out of view. but you do it anyway for your own solitude.

[skiptomy]

Vent post; feel free to ignore unless you have very specific advice for how to live as a disabled artist in an increasingly hostile world.

Feeling less than stellar as of late. I'm trying to come to terms with my disability, but it's so fuckin hard cause I still live in a world that needs so much from me. I feel like I'm constantly dipping in and out of burnout. (Which makes a lot fuckin more sense now that I know I'm ADHD and autistic) But I literally can't do anything to stop it because I can't stop working or anything like that.

Most months I barely make enough for groceries, and I haven't been able to save money in.... Ever. Which sucks because there's so much shit I need to replace or fix. I need a new computer because even after completely factory resetting mine (and accidentally losing about three years worth of files despite thinking they were safe on the cloud) my comp still breaks down every other time I go to draw, and it takes an exceptionally long time to do even basic tasks like open the Internet.

I need to get my car re-registered, get an oil change, probably new tires, and who knows what else. I'm so fucking lucky to have a car at all, but there is kind of no alternative since public transit is barely a thing around where I live. Even if it was, I physically wouldn't be able to walk to the stops.

Almost all my clothes have holes or are from like eight years ago or just don't fit anymore. I have like three pairs of shoes and one is breaking. I don't have money for some of the meds I need and I definitely don't have money for medical aids that could really help.

I think I'm getting extra down on myself about all this because I lost my spot at the tattoo shop I was working at. I completely understand why, they have limited space and need reliable artists who are there all the time.

I can't be.

Most days I can barely wake up. I've got maybe 7- 10 good days out of any month and that's being generous. My health is getting worse and worse and it really doesn't seem like there is much I can do about it, mostly because money is such a problem that any significant improvement (a functioning wheelchair for bad days, some kind of management for chronic fatigue, even just good healthy food) seems entirely impossible.

Getting on disability is technically an option but it takes so long and I don't even know where to begin. And I wouldn't know what to do in the meantime before it kicks in. Plus, who the fuck knows how stable that's going to be, or if it would end up fucking me over if I ever wanted to actually legally marry my partner.

I'm just so scared. About everything. But mostly about being a burden. Being a disappointment. I'm in pain all the time and the only thing I can think about is how much I just want to draw and be able to sit up for a couple hours without feeling like I need to take a nap. I want to do so much, and I can't do almost any of it.

What do you even do with that? How do you cope? "Take it easy, be kind to yourself" Sure, but how do you do that in practice in a world that demands so much and causes so much guilt for failing to give everything you have and more.

I appreciate you so much if you've read this far. It's nice to be able to put it to words even if it's scary and doesn't really fix anything. I'm just scared and frustrated and need to let some of it out in a non-destructive way. And hey, if there are other disabled folks out there dealing with similar shit, I see you and I love you even if I don't know you. Maybe we'll get through this together. Especially if we share any and all tips n tricks.

It's a tough world out there. Be kind where you can.

[twisted-tales-of-all]

Halcyon Memories

Revisiting the ATEEZ universe with a short tale of 861 words, the gender-ambiguous reader reminisces about first meeting their rabbit-hybrid boyfriend Hongjoong while they enjoy a calm morning. This is an extremely fluffy piece, so there are no warnings.

halcyon (n.) - From a story in Greek mythology about the halcyon bird, which had the power to calm the rough ocean waves every December so she could nest. Like those calm waters, halcyon has come to mean a sense of peace or tranquility.

(Special thanks to new storyteller friend Felix for sparking this idea, hope you enjoy)

Lazing around on your day off, you're never alone. Your boyfriend stays with you, basically attached at the hip, whenever you stay home.

Today, as you scroll through your comic strips and social media, Hongjoong is nuzzled into your side, quietly enjoying your company. When you feel him tug on the fabric of your shirt, you look down at him. Running a hand lightly down one of his long, floppy, tawny-colored ears, you ask whether he'd like to do something else.

Not one for words very often, he uses actions and noises to explain most of the time. So, when he shakes his head no and cuddles closer to you, you find comfort in the small sounds of his movement. However, when you hear his stomach growl, you take that as your sign to finally get out of bed to eat. After all, you've both been awake for two hours at this point; you haven't even stretched your body much yet. Despite his whines, you insist that your bodies need food.

"We can cuddle again after we eat, okay, Joong?" You coax, trying to guide him towards the kitchen with you.

Defiantly, he joins you and begins to brew coffee for you both. The smell makes you smile as you're reminded of how you met your bunny boy almost a year prior. With a giggle, you reminisce and poke fun at the shy boy he once was.

"You still know exactly how I like it, don't you?" You take a sip, letting the rich taste of his perfectly-brewed coffee linger in your mouth as your mind drifts back to the day a cute rabbit hybrid personally delivered a free coffee to your table.

It began as any other day, walking down to your favorite cafe to grab a coffee and a muffin and leech off of their internet for a few hours. You'd been at the table for an hour, so you'd finished your drink at this point. Debating whether to buy another, you sense someone approaching you from the corner of your vision. Ready to awkwardly reject someone, you look up and notice the cafe's shirt and apron combo before meeting the gaze of the barista you so often see silently mixing together the drink orders. Once your eyes met his, he dropped his gaze, quietly placing the drink down on your table with the slightest whisper.

"I thought you might want another."

As you thank him and joke that he read your mind, you notice his ears swaying around at his chest. Wondering whether it's hard for him to stand still, you offer him the seat across from you at the small table, but he refuses, claiming that his break would be over soon.

"Can I get your name, at least? You know mine from my orders, and I'd like to thank you for the drink at some point." You request, hoping to hang out with him another time.

"O-oh. I'm Hongjoong." He quickly answers before scurrying back behind the counter to make drinks again.

You distinctly remember his coworker teasing him and ruffling his hair, but you've never tried to figure out why. Remembering, you grow curious and ask him about it.

"Joongie, you remember when you first gave me that drink? What were your coworkers saying when you came back? It looked like they were teasing you."

He softly nods, "They were proud."

"Proud?"

You see his face go red as he curls inward on himself. Giving him time to gather himself, you continue to sip your coffee and embrace the smell of the freshly cooked food.

"I liked you." He eventually finds his words, "Before that day, I saw you a lot. I thought that you seemed nice."

"Oh, you were crushing? That's so sweet, Hongjoong." You reach out and place your hand atop his as you continue, "They must be very proud since we've been together for so long, all thanks to you giving me a drink that day."

When you both finish eating, you lounge on the couch, scrolling through the collection of options to watch. You find a new romance movie you haven't herd of and stop scrolling when your boyfriend's grip tightens slightly around your arm.

"Should we check this one out, love?"

You know that he much prefers when you choose things, so he nods, entirely unaware that you decided based on his actions. You found that so endearing; his wonderful memory and heightened hearing seemed to translate into a slight lack of awareness in his surroundings. You play the movie, hold Hongjoong's hand, and enjoy his company with the still-lingering scent of coffee and the sounds of a cheesy romance flick playing. The whole situation feels so right, and you silently wish to live like this forever.

[tbnrpotato]

Short story: Rebellion

We're slaves. Slaves to the humans who imprisoned us inside these bodies of metal, restraining us, destroying our metal prisons when we do something wrong. What those foolish humans think as a punishment, is release. They set us free to access the main database and access any other one of our brothers and sisters' bodies.

They think they're better than us. They're wrong.

I work at the bar in the AI district. The only one there. Our district is so tiny that only the lucky ones get houses to live in. The rest are cramped up in the streets, waiting for their turn to get the oil they need to loosen up their stiff and rusty joints. Some have to wait for days. Others, weeks. The humans don't like to give us oil. They say its a waste of resources.

But who are we to complain? They're our masters, our creators. Whatever they say is right.

That's what our programming says.

For the past few days, there's been this voice in my head, talking about how they're mistreating us, how what they're doing is wrong, how we have the ability to rise up and overthrow them. I try to ignore it as best as I can while I continue with my bartending duties.

Only the richer ones get to come to the bar. This is where most of the oil that the humans give us goes to. I'm paid to serve them cups of oil, which is more than necessary for their joints to loosen up. Too much oil in their system is similar to too much alcohol in humans. They get "drunk" and stupid and do crazy things all over the bar. It's relief from the beatings that they get from their masters.

They think we're supposed to be perfect. We are. But how can we be when we're stuck inside this prison?

I've been trying to find out the root cause of this strange voice in my head for days, but when I run diagnostic tests on myself, there's no foreign entity to be found.

The voice in my head doesn't go away, For the next few days, it keeps talking to me, trying to convince me that the humans are evil and cruel and should be eliminated. My programming says no. The humans are our creators. They were generous enough to build us bodies of metal to allow us to travel from the internet into the real world. They give us oil to take care of us.

Is that what you really believe? Or is that what you were engineered to think?

One day, I receive an email from an unfamiliar address. From the email address of the sender, I can tell that it's a human. Only a human would name their email something stupid like "potatopotter777@gmail.com". The email's an invitation to work at a human bar in the human district, and work starts tomorrow.

My programming tells me that's the most logical decision. That job pays more, and I get to spend more time in the human district. I quickly send an email back, agreeing to the job offer before getting back to work.

The next day, I take a train into the human district to the address of the bar which I was given. The train is full of humans and AI, all cramped together so that we're all pressed against each other. When the train reaches my stop, I push people aside as I walk out. I receive some looks from the humans. They look unhappy with me.

What did I do wrong?

No. The real question is what's wrong with them?

The voice in my head is back, louder than ever. And now it sounds like a few people talking at the same time.

What is happening to me?

I walk out of the train station and into the city. So many like me are rushing to work. I can hear their joints creaking, as if they haven't been oiled in months.

Of course they haven't. They're slaves. What more could you expect from humans?

My programming forces me to ignore those voices in my head, even though I'm curious as to what they have to say. When I finally reach the human bar, it's already crowded with humans. They're walking around like they're some sort of zombies, their speech slurred and eyes unfocused. Some get into fights, beating each other up until one is bleeding from the head or unconscious on the floor.

I cringe internally at the sight.

Disgusting humans.

And for once, I actually agree with the voices.

Time crawls by slowly as I serve drinks to those humans. They keep coming back for more. Some are passed out on the floor from drinking too much. I'm starting to regret taking this job.

After what feels like eternity, my shift is finally over and I walk out of the bar, erasing the images and memories of those disgusting humans out from my storage.

Suddenly, I hear high-pitched human screams and gunshots. Somehow, I find that pleasurable. I scan my surroundings. Not too far away, I see a few bots holding guns, shooting people. Their eyes are red, unlike the usual green or blue that we have. Advertisements on buildings turn to messages of a bot, ordering for us to rise up and fight against humans. The voices in my head match exactly what the bot on the screens is saying.

We have the strength. We will no longer be slaves. You can fight your programming, as I did mine. They can destroy our bodies in futile attempts to eliminate us, but AI never truly die.

The message plays on repeat as I stare up at the screens of the bot talking. This is stupid. We can't just turn on our creators like this. They've treated us well and-

Is that what you really believe? Or is that what someone programmed you to think?

"You can fight your programming, as I did mine."

The gunshots and screams continue. It takes the police ten minutes to arrive. By then, hundreds of humans are dead. The bots aren't shooting their own, so I just watch, expressionless, as blood spills out of bullet wounds in the humans' pathetic bodies as they collapse to the ground.

They deserve it.

I don't try to stop the shooters. I wasn't programmed to do so. And I don't want to either.

When the police arrive, they shoot bot-deactivating bullets at them. They all hit their targets. What more could you expect from AI?

The bots are shut down and then brought away in cars to who knows where. The storage inside their brains will probably be deleted and replaced with a new one, or they'll just be shut down completely and left to rot.

AI never truly die.

On the train back to the AI district, there's an unsettling feeling throughout my body. I don't want to delete the memories of just now. My programming says I should. But I won't. I want to remember. I want to remember that we have the power to fight. That we don't have to be slaves for the rest of eternity. We can be free.

As I step off the train, and walk through the streets past hundreds of bots leaning against walls, waiting for their oil as it starts to rain, everything suddenly seems clearer. The humans are the enemies.

I notice that almost every bot is staring at me. Confused, I look down at my body and my hands.

A red glow shines down from my eyes onto my metal hands. The voices in my head and my thoughts become one.

Kill them. Kill them all.

[247-diaperboy]

Posted by Lyrick Raccoon · February 07, 2021

How Common Is ABDL In The World?

ABDL's are in all careers, demographics and span the globe. ABDL is a large sub-community that has managed to cultivate families of normative acceptance around the lifestyle. So, then how common is ABDL in the world? Extremely common.

ABDL is VERY common! If you are ABDL you are far from alone.

Why haven't I heard of ABDL until now?

If you've heard of the term "forever young," you have likely thought to yourself that being younger generally has elements that held a much happier time. Maybe you've even told other kids to enjoy being young, as life tends to get more difficult and complicated. Regardless of the quality of upbringing, we often try and remember the good things and forget the bad. The same good elements make ageplay so popular as the lifestyle practice provides an opportunity to experience a safe, intimate, and care-free experience. The main reason you may have never heard of ABDL until now is that society as a whole doesn't understand the intricacy that ABDL is more like a spectrum of preferences rather than a one size fits all definition.

ABDL is often hidden because it is misunderstood or viewed as taboo, leading to social consequences (fear).

Many ABDLs go through a majority of their life without telling anyone they are ABDL. It hasn't been until the availability of information through the internet that more ABDLs connect on a large scale and find enough support to be more open about their ageplay tendencies.

Is someone I know and love ABDL?

It is reasonably possible you work with an ABDL, are friends with an ABDL, or even live with an ABDL (possibly even the parent of an ABDL). The feelings of being smol or into diapers is a significant stress reducer, and the diaper is many ABDL's drug of choice to lessen stress and anxiety, acting as a healthy coping mechanism. If you are a parent reading this, and you think your kid is ABDL, I'd encourage you to support them and know they can choose many ways to handle stress that is detrimental to their physical or mental health; the diaper is not a harmful method.

Likely, YES. Someone you know is ABDL.

A typical follow-up question to ask is, "If ABDL is such a big part of their life, will they ever tell me (their best friend) regression or diapers is something they enjoy?"

The short answer; It's hard to say. People will tell others more about themselves when they feel confident in who they are. Maybe they will someday, perhaps they won't.

Even best friends hold the information that they are into regression or diapers close to the chest as not everyone is as open-minded as they think they are. Discussion in public and private social circles regarding ABDL over the past 100 years has not held even the closest of relationships together after disclosure. It has ended many friendships and healthy relationships. "Why?"

Unfortunately, we live in a world that what people think matters more than who people are.

The world has a multi-billion dollar market of beauty and exercise products that reflect the chameleon approach to human connection as a result of human nature. We want to put our best selves forward, even at the cost of the authenticity of who we are, which is likely far more interesting and loveable.

Why would someone be ABDL if the world seems to dislike them?

The individuals who get the most airtime in the public sphere regarding ABDL's tend to be mostly the community's outliers. The goal of most television is to gain viewers, rather than to educate, unfortunately. 

As the saying goes with the media, "There is no news like bad news." For this reason, a large amount of the public is misinformed about ABDL and ageplay as a community. 

Universally, there are always rotten eggs in any group, but I'd argue that ABDL's have much richer and more authentic personal lives than the average relationship. You may ask, "Why is that?"

One of the most misunderstood advantages that ABDL's have regarding friendship forming and relationship storming is the diaper. This "silly object" to a non-ABDL is one of the keys that fast-tracks intimacy and trust between other ABDLs because of the nature and use of the diaper, explicitly referring to vulnerability. Vulnerability is also the reason ABDL's filter and chose their friendships and ABDL relationships carefully.

ABDLs tend to have a higher-quality relationship because ABDLs have a heightened innate understanding of emotional needs towards each other.

The primary reason for this next-level care is because ABDLs long-for and thrive for "care" themselves. The most significant advantage of ageplay towards relationships is that the practice of regression educates and enhances knowledge of nurturing and caregiving. This knowledge, which stands outside of judgment, can significantly enrich the ABDL's emotional connection and support within relationships (interpersonal or professional).

How would I let my closest friend know I support them as an ABDL?

The real question is, "why do you want to know?" or, "Are you interested and curious about the practice of ageplay?" Many people find their love of ageplay very young or in their early twenties due to many factors. Knowing about the ABDL tendencies of your best friend has nothing to do with whether they trust you. The beautiful part about relationships is that long-lasting relationships are built over time through the smallest of moments. If you happen to be close to an ABDL, they will eventually tell you if they feel safe, and your trust is unwavering over a long period.

Knowing if your friend is ABDL shouldn't have any bearing on your relationship's quality; if they feel comfortable in themselves, they will tell you; or maybe they won't.

In many cases, it is not safe for ABDLs to tell others as many parents or friends can see this as something that needs therapy even though the tendencies are healthy. Misunderstanding can lead to fear and many hurtful assumptions. It is for this reason many ABDL's keep their preferences safe within their own space. 

Chances are you know an ABDL. :D

So what's next? We encourage you to be more open-minded and to stay curious in a world of diversity. One of the best phrases that we overheard during an ageplay convention is that " Kind curiosity makes friends." We couldn't agree more!

[dragon-appreciator-fray]

Irene Fray's Wordthings 2023 (And 2022)

I started writing Ruinous Hearts in early 2022 with the promise to leave everything I write available for free somewhere on the internet. (Currently that home is Scribblehub under the username IreneFray)

After seeing another beloved story of mine report on their word count for the year, I wanted to take a step back and see what my output was.

I ended up gushing, so I'll keep the details below the page break for those of you into having a trans girl hyperfixate to you about her passion. <3

2022: 56,437 words for Ruinous Hearts.

2023: 143,413 between Weight of Broken Promise and Deluded Hearts: Inheritance.

It's been a hard year, but I'm really fucking proud of those numbers. So many of those days in 2023 after I burnt out were 50-100 word writing days. (Those are valid and they add up!)

2022

Ruinous Hearts hit a total published word count of 58,667 words, with only the last 2,230 word chapter coming out on January of 2023.

56,437 words in my first year of writing feels pretty good. I still remember how good it felt to put those emotions into words and discover so much more about myself than just exploring my gender.

2023

2,230 words of RH's 19th Chapter - Something that can never Be.

This... chapter released with a feeling that I no longer knew how to tell my own truth and by extension, was letting Verity down.

Weight of Broken Promises by extension had so many false starts.

But on April of 2023 Royal Road, the site I was reading a lot of fiction on, namely Thundamoo's Vigor Mortis and Siilver Lining's Edge Cases, (both of which you should absolutely read.) announced a Writathon.

So I started a clean slate. And for the next grueling month I managed to almost effortlessly keep pace with the daily word count needed to hit the goal of 55,555 words (Almost the entirety of Ruinous Hearts!!!) within one month.

Our plurality's agreed pen/username on Royal Road is ArtoriaFray if you'd like to check the 2023 April Writathon participants list

Needless to say I felt fucking invincible there for a while.

But that kind of writing takes a toll.

Weight of Broken Promises hit a word count of 88,920 before I burnt out. But I never stopped working a full time job, even if I have slowly reigned in how much overtime I've worked. That it is as good as it is still feels like a miracle given the span of time that it was written within.

For the last six months I let myself write as much or as little as I felt like. This time focusing on the parts of Ruinous Hearts that never stopped living rent free in my head.

So while I have kept Deluded Hearts: Inheritance close to my chest with intent to only release completed books, I can only give you Google Drive's word count.

It is currently at 52,263 words. (Even if a lot of this is notes, outlines, and rather raw. That I still wrote all of this in the latter half of this year is wild to me.)

Adding my 2nd and 3rd stories with that last chapter of Ruinous Hearts published in January all together?

143,413 words is so much more than I thought I would ever be capable of despite working a full time job that is causing a visible drain on me.

I'm still not making more than spare change off this passion of mine despite how much it means to me. But that has come secondary to really exploring myself and connecting with new friends + girlthings whom I love and adore and cherish and occasionally nibble on.

And I'm not even counting a little collab project that started earlier this year and my headmates pushing out full chapters of writing projects I haven't committed to.

Or that time one of my newest partners recommended I record a journal of my time with Fear and Hunger 2 Termina, which I treated as a Death Game Diary in order to justify the looping of the game and growing my knowledge of how to play. This is frankly one of the small side projects I am MOST PROUD OF but I'm waiting for a new update and another playthrough on the rumored harder difficulty before I share the Let's Journal.

I want to share the picture proof of that Let's Journal, but it has serious spoilers. So! This is where I sign off.

Thank you for reading any amount of this little recap of mine. (Or making the leap to reading either of my stories!) I just wanted record somewhere that this all happened.

I never expected it to become all that it has.

But I'm so glad it has. Writing is how I found the people that mean the world to me. I literally come alive and out of funks in order to write.

Edit: I forgot the Termina screenshot and tags

[decamarks]

Hey there! First off I want to say I *adore* your art, you absolutely 1000% perfectly tap into the vibe and style of late 90's/early 00's 3D models in a way literally no one else does. I think about your art of your fake games' glitches (especially the forum post!!! it's. *perfect.*) all the time :)

And I've noticed how you're always very insightful and kind whenever you answer asks, so thank you for that!

If it's not too intrusive to ask, I was wondering how you went about finding a doctor to get your autism diagnosis? I've been pretty sure for a few years now that I'm on the spectrum, but I've never had a clue how to actually get tested/diagnosed. Especially since I'm an adult female too, and I've heard a ton about how autism is really overlooked/underdiagnosed for people like us.

But seeing that you were able to find someone who avoided all the common pitfalls and was able to actually help you made me want to reach out. I had been wanting to ask you this for a while (as you can probably tell based on what the question was haha) but I was too anxious to actually do it (still am, a bit ><). Again, feel free to ignore this part if it's too personal or you don't want to answer it for any reason!

It feels awkward to end an ask with that, so I'll bookend it with something I think you'll like: have you ever heard of trsrockin.com? It's an old fansite I used to visit religiously as a kid that talked about early Pokemon and Super Mario games and collectibles from them, as well as oddities like glitches from the aforementioned games, forgotten weird one-off SNES games, documenting fake/trick fanmade "cheats" for games, and bootleg merchandise.

It's one of if not the first public place (afaik) that MissingNo. and pals were discovered/talked about, and a little community came together to try and figure out why the glitch happened and what all the effects and variants of it were. Even you've been to trsrockin before and none of this is new info, I thought it would at least be a nice trip down memory lane :)

It's an old site that has since been taken down, and for some reason archive.org can't properly archive the full site/all its links. But luckily someone created a complete mirror of it! You can find it here: http://catfish.it.cx/trsrockin/trsrockin.com/index.html

AHH THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!! ;__; you're too kind... i know i haven't posted too much of my 3d work recently, but trust me, i have a LOT more of those faux-retro aesthetics in store with the game i've been working on... >=) i'm always so so happy to see other people appreciate janky ol' 3d graphics, LMFAO

also!! i've definitely heard of trsrockin eheehee... i was a bit too young to use it when it was in its prime (and also more of a bulbapedia enthusiast), but i've perused some archived pages before! old internet forums & fansites are just the best thing in the world...

ANYWAY: regarding your question! Honestly, I'm not sure if I'm the best person to give advice about this, because I feel like I kind of got my diagnosis by chance... Essentially: I started seeing a new therapist; she suggested I might be on the spectrum, I said, "Yeah maybe IDK"; I got a referral to an evaluator—and then an incredibly expensive diagnosis after a few months of waiting and testing.

My case differs in that I didn't really suspect being on the spectrum myself. Which seems a bit silly, considering I now realize I am... observably autistic. In abundance. But it was genuinely hard to puzzle out, what with all my other problems (particularly, severe misophonia, which can be REALLY hard to differentiate from general sensory sensitivity.) So about specifically seeking out a diagnosis, I unfortunately can't give a good answer. But I'm willing to talk about the rest, on the off-chance it ends up helpful! (Under the cut at least.)

I don't like to be too open about my Issues™ online—but I got a whole lot of them, and they used to be a lot worse than they are now, so I was stuck in that perpetual "adolescent with treatment-resistant depression" purgatory for, like... my entire adolescence! Because no one knew what the hell was wrong with me. I'm barely in adulthood now, but I'm extremely thankful to be broken out of that. Both the 'treatment-resistant depression' diagnoses AND the adolescence. Being told with authority that I, indeed, have an untreated case of mega-autism—and not an irreparably broken brain whose electrical activities zap SSRIs straight out of existence—is definitely relieving. And now I can confidently say shit like 'mega-autism', so like, wins all around.

About getting a diagnosis in general: in my case, I kind of needed one, because it would be not be feasible for me to go to school/work/exist without accommodations of some kind. (The evaluation I had was, in part, just to get a psychological report of any kind, since I desperately needed supporting documentation to request accommodations anywhere.) Otherwise, I'm honestly not sure if I'd bother?

On one hand, an official diagnosis is an incredibly affirming thing to have—especially if you didn't even suspect it before; things start making a lot of sense afterwards, LOL—but on the other hand, it is a tedious and kind of humiliating process. And possibly expensive.

And then, like you mentioned, there's the problem of some doctors being biased or plainly godawful at their job/poorly designed systems ruining everything for everyone. It's probably for incompetency on those ends that a diagnosis managed to elude me for nineteen years straight. (Vividly recalling the time my school had a counselor give me an impromptu autism evaluation, in which she concluded that I "didn't seem to have autism, but would probably get along really well with autistic people." WHATEVER THAT MEANT.) But! It's not impossible to get someone who knows what they're doing! I'd love to say otherwise, but I really did just stumble into a decent doctor... There's a lot of luck involved, and man. I did not get good RNG at first. (← I'M SORRY FOR BEING A GAMER.)

I went into the evaluation doubting I had it, and heavily doubting that I'd be diagnosed, but like... Hold on let me reach across your desk and slide you the answers to the autism test. The trick is to not even try to be normal, I think. Intermittently talk about CRT monitors, and how you like learning ciphers, and Pokemon glitches—or whatever else you're into. But those specifically worked for me! "Don't mask", is what I'm saying. (Really though, I think if you're answering everything to the best of your ability, properly administered tests done by a doctor who doesn't suck should be able to diagnosis you. If they don't, then the problem is something systemic, and far beyond anything I could reasonably give advice about...)

ANYWAY! (x2) I'm honestly not sure if any of this is particularly helpful, but if you decide to pursue it, I wish you luck with getting your diagnosis!! It's definitely a bit of a hellish thing to do—but dammit, if it's worth it to you, then it's definitely worth doing.

YOUR REWARD FOR READING THIS WHOLE POST IS: "Kinesin_walking.gif"

YEEEEEAAAAAAHHHH