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kurohoely · 3 years ago

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forgotten (kuroo x y/n)

a/n: OH MY GOD this took me forever TwT didnt know summer class was fkin intense i hate it so much and obv i got a writer's block too but i am NOW FINISHED $￣︶￣*$) likes and reblogs are appreciated! <3 enjoy bubs!

tw self-destructing mc, body issues, cyberbullying, implied cheating (but no I wont do my baby kuroo dirty >:( )

genre angst to fluff, college!kuroo

cw 2.4k

“I got you, you got me, I will love you till kingdom come”

Fiddling your chubby thumbs across your phone’s screen, hesitating to either skip or let the song play. The circular pointer skid lovingly across the playbar. Let it play, you thought to yourself. You pressed the stop button on the bus since it's already close to your stop, grabbing your grocery bag on the floor while carefully balancing the cake box on your other hand. You peeked through the transparent hole on top of the cake box, nine delicious cupcakes and pastries, a treat from you to you. It has been a rough week for the both of you but it feels like he hasn’t realized the situation one bit.

Three weeks. That was how long the both of you haven’t had a proper conversation, heck, even dinner together was excruciatingly energy consuming. Both of you came home at different times and no energy was there to spare for each other. You did try to initiate a lot of things, having his favorite takeouts, offering to massage him, taking a day off for him, all nothing but wasted. Nothing worked. Instead of dwelling into these things, you decided to go out and here we are now, at this point and time.

Reserving the cake was tough since the pastry shop is pretty popular. Thank God you reserved them on a whim last week so you can pick them up on the last day of your assignment. Of course, you bought extras. You wanted them for Kuroo, not that he was fond of sweets in the first place but why not have this one little push? Maybe it would work? You walked through the shops on your apartment’s block, glass windows in their pristine condition, reflecting everything that goes in front of them. Checking out your outfit, nothing out of the ordinary, just a normal into-the-summer outfit. With heavy steps, you unlocked the doors and made yourself into your shared apartment.

What are the odds, your boyfriend is here. No ‘welcome home’, no ‘where were you’, no ‘looking tasty in that outfit bub!’ None of that. Your return was like an expected occurrence, nothing to be celebrated anymore. Being the significant other of an ex-athlete was not a smooth silky fantasy. You had a fair share of fame with Kuroo but with a cost. You know you have no power to control what people say and sure it doesn’t affect your relationship but it still hurts nonetheless.

“What’s up with the outfit?” Kuroo’s words that broke the silence between you guys as you placed the box on the kitchen counter. Unpleasant was still a merciful word to describe the tug in your heart. You slowly turned your whole body facing him. You couldn’t make out what his expression was, genuine or sarcastic, and you’re not planning to stick around to find out, leaving him unanswered. You sat in front of the bedroom mirror, looking at what part would let Kuroo comment one out. You pinched your thighs and arms, thinking maybe it was these. I mean, to be honest, the outfit was actually cute and pretty normal for a warm season.

You sat down on the bed, reflecting on what had happened for the past three weeks. All the occasions where people said Kuroo was better off without you, to Kuroo liking random girls’ posts on his private Twitter and much more, too many to count. What would be the last straw for you to finally end this misery? Wiping the almost dropping tears, you picked yourself up, changed to your pjs and called in for the night. It was only 7:30 while Kuroo? Still outside, scrolling through more accounts before deciding it was late enough.

People say opposite attracts but you need to have some common ground to make it work, or else compatibility is out of the equation. You were just, well, normal. Nothing outstanding to earn you the fame spotlight but you can say for sure your relationships with other people are good and genuine. Your circle is filled with positive and supportive people, who can be your shoulder to lean on but still provide you the space to grow beautifully. Kuroo has many friends, a direct cause of him being a school athlete. His network is obviously wider than yours and since Nekoma went to the nationals in his final year, people start recognizing him -- both as a talented athlete and his looks. That alone earned him a few thousands followers on his socials. Every action has a direct consequence, a well formed theory by Albert Einstein. Although that applies to Physics specifically, probably Einstein knows it also applies to real life. With fame comes unwanted attention, breaching privacy and crossing boundaries. As you were scrolling through Kuroo’s Instagram account, you went through his tagged posts and you saw a video of a girl latching her arms to Kuroo and the video stopped right after Kuroo turned his head towards the camera. You couldn’t believe your eyes. You played that video endlessly, trying to catch the glimpse of Kuroo’s reaction, seeking if there was a bit of annoyance towards her action but the video was too fast and was shaking too much for you to figure anything out. With no energy left to spare, you went to sleep in your bed, the only place you felt home.

Another week has passed, making it a whole month that your relationship with Kuroo is stagnant, or how you see it, becoming worse with each passing day. You thought this would be the week for you to mend things back to normal, since it's your birthday today. After class ended, you went back and started getting ready for a date night out with Kuroo. You wore your best sundress and it was Kuroo’s favorite, your hair was shining, and your makeup was on point. And now, the waiting game starts. It was only 5:00p.m. and you know Kuroo’s class ends at 4:30p.m. so you gave him time for traffic and stuff. The clock ticks, from 5 to 7, you wait more, giving him a chance to reply to your text about his whereabouts. Tick tock, and now it is 10:47p.m. and no signs of Kuroo. You played your favourite Youtube channel, filling up the silence of your apartment when the front door clicked and swung open, emerging a giggly Kuroo. “I’m home.” He walks to the faint sound from your laptop, seeing you dolled up for something.

“Hey, you look nice. Did I miss anything?”

“I texted you a few hours and I’m not sure if you forgot how to read or what but I don’t think I also needed to remind you it is my birthday today.”

Kuroo turned around, even a second was a slower time frame. He looked at you in disbelief, disappointed painted across his face and you were unsure if it was towards himself or you. You cannot stand the silence that Kuroo was giving, you walked towards the door, grabbed your keys and went out. You know it is a pretty dick move to walk out on Kuroo but given what has happened throughout the course of a month, you’re not sure what emotions to face him. Anger? Sadness? Disappointment?

Kuroo was dumbfounded. He stood there, still digesting the instant you flung the door open. He can’t even begin to track his mistake and that’s when it hit him. It was untrackable because that was how long he left this situation for. He slumped down, pulled out his phone from his bag and, finally, reading all your texts. He looked through your stories, seeing you reposted all your birthday wishes. As if there was a movie reel inside his mind, he remembered the cupcake that you left untouched after his comment about your outfit, the way you strictly stayed on your side of your bed, no more surprise cuddles when he was making coffee in the morning. Hell, when was the last time you even let him touch you, yet let him even get close to you? He knows he needs to fix this asap before it's too late. He called you but was only greeted with your ringtone on the coffee table. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. I fucked up real bad.

You were out and gone, as fast and as far your legs can take you. Your tears were running down with you, finding some bit of happiness that you can muster along with your exasperating breaths. Looking around, it was a park but eyes were too blurry to make sense of where it was. You find the nearest bench and sat down. You didn't bring anything with you, the response overwhelmed you to let you think straight. You tried to calm yourself down by just letting everything out, hoping once it empties out, you can rethink this situation. It has been a while and you decided to just man up and go back home. Maybe sleep over at a friend’s place? Not sure yet but you’ll figure it out once you get there.

Luckily the door was unlocked but you were greeted with utter silence, dim, and it was cold - which you knew it was not from chilling weather outside. It was 3:19AM. You saw your phone on the kitchen counter, surely it was moved, Kuroo’s bag was left on the floor with the zip opened, and only one light was dimly lighting up the place. A disheveled Kuroo walked out of the bedroom, “Y/N!” and came running towards you. Eyes getting puffier, he hugged you, tighter each passing sob escaped his lips. He knows he messed up, and somehow you felt happy and relieved seeing him miserable, enough to know where you are in his life. You didn’t return his gesture, your heart was too hurt to give any sort of comfort to him. You stand there mindlessly and what else can you do besides cry together with him?

“Where were you? Why didn’t you take your phone with you? I’ve been worried sick! I didn’t know if you were safe or not. I know I messed up. I know I fucked up but we could’ve talked things out but you chose to leave. Why, y/n. Why? I’m sorry for forgetting about your birthday. I am so sorry but you could’ve stayed and get mad at me or punch me or something. What if that was the last time I saw you? I couldn’t live myself with that thought”

Kuroo shook your body as he spoke each word, looking directly into your eyes, finding the last bit of warmth that you left for him. His voice cracked each time but stopped after you utter your response.

“Kuroo, do you even love me anymore?” He shivers at the loss of his nickname and slowly steadying his breath. He moved his hands from your shoulder to grab your wrist. “Hey, what do you mean bub?” He squeezed your hands tighter, as if that was his cue of not continuing whatever your train of thoughts were.

“I don’t feel us working out anymore. I.. ”. Kuroo cuts you instantly. His hands quickly lost their grip, only to move, cupping your face. “No, no, no, no y/n don’t you dare say another word after that. We’re gonna make it work whether you like it or not so please tell me bub, please talk to me. Please let me work this out”

His thumbs softly grazing your cheeks, wiping the leftover tears. You hiccuped, trying your best to form words. “I’m tired, Tetsu. I'm tired of constantly telling myself that I deserve to be loved. To feel beautiful. To say that yes I am worth it to be important to someone. But it's hard, Testu. It is SO hard to keep on telling yourself when you yourself don't believe it. And when I look at you everytime, I just think that you deserve someone much better, more than me. Someone that could proudly flaunt to people that yeah I’m with them. I don’t know anymore, Tetsu” You lay your head on his chest, gripping his shirt for support. He relaxed when his nickname was uttered. He was silent but you know he was listening. Slowly, he brought you to the couch. You started to spill each and everything that was bothering you. From the video, comments, his comment about your outfit, the way he has been acting, and what all of it shaped how you see yourself right now.

He grabbed your wrist, a cue for you to look at him. As you met his eyes, you saw those gentle eyes that you longed for. The warmth and love that you were seeking all this time. Kuroo wiped your almost-formed tears before talking with such gentleness and genuinity. “You know bub, surrounded by a lot of people doesn’t necessarily equate you to being happy. They are great companies, don’t get me wrong but they were never to be emotionally ready when I needed it but you did. You were there when I needed someone the most. It was the love that I’ve been looking for my whole life. You can never know who you would be falling for so why hold onto certain reasons if those reasons will soon fade away anyway? Body change over time, money will be used up one day, standards change over time but being good is always constant. Love is always constant. Love doesn't need a reason because if you have one, then you would be hung up onto that reason itself. Once that reason is gone, what's there to love?” He looked down on your hand, ghosting over your knuckles. “ I’m sorry I didn’t show you enough love to overcome those insecurities when I am the one supposed to make you the most loved, most wanted and safest with me. I know sorry isn’t enough to mend things over but know this - my eyes, heart, and soul are for you. I am yours and yours are mine”. He kissed your hands, cheeks, and lastly your forehead. Kuroo knows that is the spot you feel loved because you told him on your second year anniversary date.

Both of you forgave each other and promised to work things out together. You promised to confront things that are bothering you and Kuroo to keep his boundaries clearer. You both cuddled through the night, catching up with each other before slowly drifting to sleep in each others’ arms. You know things would be a bit awkward but this relationship will pull through. You know it will because you know Kuroo will too.

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witchbeezy · 2 years ago

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Pick a Card- Full Moon in Aries: What are you Releasing? (6/6)

My intention for this reading is to look into the energy the Full Moon in Aries brought in for you on Sunday, October 9th, 2022. Feel free to use this reading as a guide to set intention and reflect on what you're needing to release. I pray these messages reach who it's meant for. These messages are kind of long, so I had to split up the post.

Please take a moment to ground and center yourself before choosing a pile down below. Then Scroll until you find your message. Thank you so much for reading.

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Tiktok- @witchbeezy

IG- @witch__beezy

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I’m currently not doing personal readings at this time. If anyone who claims to be me reaches out to you for a reading IT IS A SCAM. If you’d like to support me and my work you can do so by liking this post, reblogging, or following. Thank you so much! If you’d like to send a donation you can to my Cashapp $ConjureLightandBP

Disclaimer: Don’t force a message to resonate if it doesn’t. Only take what resonates and leave behind what doesn’t. The messages shared here shouldn’t be taken over the advice and guidance of medical and legal professionals as well as your own discernment. The only images that are my own are the pictures of the cards. Any other images were found online.

Decks Used:

Illumination Tarot

Rebel Affirmation Oracle

Color Prism Oracle

Moonology Oracle

(Continuing) You keep finding yourself in the same situations just with different people. I’m hearing from the Divine that they have allowed you to return to this person or experience the same type of connections to learn specific lessons. The pain you’ve experienced has led to a specific kind of growth the Divine wanted for you. I do feel that your period of growing, and learning are coming to an end. I’m hearing for some of you that you’ve been looking up to certain people for healing and learning, but I feel you haven’t realized how much wisdom and experience you have within yourself. I’m also seeing the message that you need to move. There’s also an energy that you often find yourself in. You may feel like the past keeps repeating itself, and it has to a certain extent. I feel it’s important for you to know that just because you’ve had to repeat the past or relearn old lessons, it doesn’t mean that you’ve failed the lesson. Every time you’ve went through the lesson you unlocked a new code or a new layer of yourself that was hidden. The vision I’m getting is like someone playing a video game and they keep replaying the same level over and over again even though they keep passing that level. They keep replaying the same level because every time they get better, or they learn a new trick or hack. I’m hearing you’re coming to a point where you’ve mastered the current level that you’re on. You’re coming to a point where there is nothing left to experience or learn from this level anymore. Soon you will be moving to a new level. I feel there is some apprehension about this because you’ve been playing this same level for a long time, so you know what to expect. With this upcoming level you don’t know what’s going to happen, but you will be okay because you can take the experience you’ve gained in the last level. You’re applying what you’ve learned in the last level to a new experience.

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suchalonelysunflower · 4 years ago

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If it means a lot to you (a.i)

Pairing: Ashton Irwin X Reader

Summary: Songfic based on the song “If it means a lot to you” by A Day to Remember. You haven’t heard from Ashton in weeks, could you endure all the pain while he’s on tour or it would become too much?

Warnings: ANGST, strong language, overthinking and anxiety. Also some grammatical mistakes (English is not my first language, I’m sorry)

Word Count: 2.6 K

Author’s Note: I was feeling so angsty today and this was the product of me pouring out my feelings into a fic. Reblogs, coments and feedback are always welcome and apreciated! I would love to hear your thoughts 💙 Hope you like it and Happy reading🦋

My Materialist

It felt good to be on the stage again. It felt more than good, actually. The sound of screaming fans, calling out your names in pure ecstasy as one by one the songs pass and reverberates throughout the whole stadium, or arena or a simple, yet packed, venue. The adrenaline that cursed through the veins of each one of them as they gave their all, feeling how the base makes the entire stage shake with rhythms they know by memory and would never get tired off. It felt good to be on the stage again, to be on tour again. But not everyone gets to have everything they want.

You were sitting on your sofa, getting lost in thought as the TV played some old episodes of your favorite show as background noise of your own pity party. It’s been two months since Ashton went away on tour with his band again, and even though you knew this made him happy, you always hated when he had to leave.

The feeling of loneliness crept in two weeks and a half ago, when he started to miss your calls and texted you only once a day. You knew he was busy, you knew he must be tired, but so are you.

You understand that this is his job, you’ve been through this before, but the separation was never easy. You always worried about his safety, how he’s dealing with stuff and if he ever misses you or if he had someone else he’d rather be with while you were away and tucked under your shared sheets in LA. He always came through though, pushing those thoughts away by reassuring his love, either by facetime or a simple call. But you haven’t seen him or heard of him in so long that you couldn’t help but drown yourself in a pity parade for one. You miss him, you need him. And it’s still so long until you could see each other again.

A notification on your phone pulls you away for a while, it takes a few moments before you realize that it was in fact your phone and not a trick of your mind. You jump right to it, thinking, hoping that it would be Ashton trying to call you or even a simple text. The beating of your heart ran like a horse before you could even register that it was just a notification from instagram, you just saw his name and quickly swiped to open it.

@ ashtonirwin: Thank you for singing with us xx

The post was simple, you could see the crowd going wild as Andy took a photo of the boys in their element. Ashton was smiling behind his drum kit, taking in the scenery of a thousand screaming fans that were there just to see them, to sing with them. And it hurt you.

It hurts not being there. Not being the one that was at the other end of the smile, and oh, how you miss that smile.

You opened the camera roll, forgetting to put a like on the post as your mind decided to add some salt to the wound. You scrolled a few pictures down until you found what you were looking for: A video of Ashton.

His smile was clear even before you pressed play. You remember the day he sent that to you, it was at the beginning of the tour and you were feeling a little needy, so he decided to send you this while you were asleep. He knew it would make you feel better once you woke up. And it did.

It was a simple video of him just talking to the camera, but it always made you feel better and you hope this time it will as you pressed play.

“Hey, darling” Ashton said with a smile so wide you could see every dimple and wrinkle on his face “I hope you’re good tonight, I know you don’t feel right when I’m leaving… It’s not easy for me either, being away from you and being unable to kiss you and cuddle you like we do. I miss you, dear”

The sadness in his voice moved you and you wished you were there with him, doing your best to push that sadness away. “Tour’s going great so far, I really wish you were here to see it. But you will be, one day and it will be awesome. But I can’t come back home till they’re singing, and oh, how amazing it is to hear them sing back at us, it’s almost as beautiful as to hear you sing to me one of our songs, even if it’s to mock our oldest songs” His smile lit up the screen ashe giggled “Just wait till I get home, baby. It won’t be long now, I swear. I love you”

“I love you” You whispered to the face on the screen as the video stopped.

The tears were rolling down your face and you couldn’t do anything to stop it. The video always helped to make you feel better but, somehow, it just made missing him worse.

It wasn’t enough, you needed him. You needed him and he was MIA, the only news you get from him are from social media and you couldn��t handle it anymore.

You couldn’t help but wonder if he felt the same.

Ashton was laying in his bunk bed, smiling as he scrolled down twitter to read the reactions to tonight’s concert. It was one of their best and he was very proud of the energy they put on stage for the world to see.

He always enjoyed tour life, visiting new cities and countries every night, giving his all in all the concerts and spending time with his best friends. It was all he ever wanted since he was a kid and now he was able to experience it.

“Hey, Ash!” Luke called his attention from the bunk across the small hall “Could you tell Y/N that Sierra wants to talk? She said it was something about a recipe but it seems like she can’t get in touch with them”

Ashton frowned, you were never the one to shy away from their friends, always being the most social one of the two of them “Uh, yeah. Sure man”

“Thanks, and tell Y/N we are missing them, it’s been too long since we saw each other”

‘It has been a long time’ Ashton thought, or at least it seemed like it because he was sure he sent a text earlier today and…

Ashton’s expression froze when he saw that he didn’t text you today, or yesterday or the day before that. He didn’t even respond to your last text.

Y/N: Tell me something sweet to get me by.

How long ago was that? Why didn’t he notice before?

A feeling of guilt ran through him, feeling disgusted at himself for forgetting about you, the most important thing in his life. How could he? You must’ve been feeling low that day to text him something like that, he knew how much you hated when he had to leave. You didn’t text him after that, maybe you were okay now, but he still needed to talk to you, to apologize.

He sighed when he saw what time it was, now it wasn’t time for a facetime call, knowing that you were probably asleep by now. He would apologize to you in the morning.

Little did he know that you were still awake, sobbing and calling out his name through your cries.

You woke up when the sunlight hit your face. You furrowed your eyebrows at your surroundings, realizing that you fell asleep on the couch. Luckily it was a Saturday, so you had no other responsibilities other than crying yourself to sleep for maybe the tenth time in a row?

You knew it wasn’t fair, for you or for him, to be enduring this kind of pain. But if you meant a lot to him, why hasn’t he responded? or calling to check up on you? This place felt lonelier by the minute, his mugs were in the cupboard, some of his clothes were in the closet, his music room remains untouched and yet it seemed like he was never here at all to begin with, just a ghost of his memory floating around to remind you of what you were missing.

You felt the tears about to crash down again, but you had no energy left in your body to cry. You were exhausted, needy, lonely and down right miserable while the love of your life was living his best life without you in it.

Ashton was living his best life, but he still felt something was missing. He sat down on the couch the venue offered, it wasn’t as comfortable as he would expect but it didn’t matter. He knew he had to talk to you.

He has been a shitty boyfriend lately, he understood and hated that. You didn’t deserve to be pushed aside like he did and he felt awful. So, with his heart in his sleeve, hoping you’ll forgive him and that you were okay, he picked up the phone and called.

Ashton heard the beeping tone three times before you decided to answer “...Hey, sweety” You said with a sigh.

Ashton could tell you were sad, a punch in the guts hurt less than hearing your voice so small and defeated. “Hey, darling,” He said,making his tone a little bit more uplifting, thinking it might help “How are you? Sierra said that you weren’t answering your phone, is everything okay?”

Hearing his voice, his cheerful tone as if nothing has happened or as if this wasn’t the first time in weeks that you’ve heard of him, hurt more than you could ever expect. You felt silent tears rolling down your face as you contemplated what to say about that.

“I just-”

“Ash, we need you for soundcheck” A voice said on the other line.

Ashton raised his hand, annoyed at the interruption, asking the boys to wait a second. He needed to hear from you first. All three of the guys backed up immediately when they saw the serious expression on the drummer’s face.

“Sorry, love. I think the boys need me” He said, hoping you wouldn’t get mad.

“But, what about me?” You asked before you realized what was coming out of your mouth.

“What?” Ashton said with a concerning tone.

“I need you here, Ashton” You cried, unable to keep the tears at bay anymore “I need you here tonight, and I know that you don’t wanna be leaving and I get it, I swear I totally get it and I’m not trying to pressure you or anything, it’s okay that you want this”

Hearing you cry through the phone broke Ashton’s heart. He did this, he caused this. How could he neglect you like that?

“I want it but I don’t need it” He quickly reassured you.

“Yes, you want it. But I can’t help it, I-” Your voice shook “I just feel complete when you’re by my side. I know I can be needy sometimes and believe me, I hate that as much as you do, probably. But, Ash, I haven’t heard from you in weeks! Yes, a morning text now and then but sweety, I don’t think you understand how bad this hurts”

Ashton felt the tears burning in his eyes, your broken voice sounded like an echo in his head, making him wish he could go back and fix his mistakes, to take all your pain away.

“Do you know how hard it is to be in this house alone, not knowing if you are okay or if you miss me? I found myself walking around aimlessly, trying to hold on to the memory of you here, to even a hint that I wasn’t dreaming when I held you close because it’s been so long and I don’t think I can take it anymore. Knowing that you can’t come home till they’re singing, till everyone is singing back at you”

“B-baby-” Ashton said, not caring that he sounded desperate, because he was. He didn’t like where this conversation was going “Baby, I know I fucked up, big time. But don’t you ever doubt that you are the most important thing to me, I swear. Darling, if you-” He said, swallowing the lump in his throat “If you can wait till I get home, I swear that when tomorrow comes this will all be in our past”

You stared blankly ahead as you heard him say those things. It broke you to your core, but you knew what you had to do. It was the best for both of you.

“Ash, you know you can’t give me what I need. Not right now and I can’t ask that from you, I would never ask that from you and you know it. Even though you mean so much to me, I need you to be happy, I need to be happy and maybe we thought that we could find happiness together but Ash, this ain’t it”

“Darling, wait-”

“I love you, but I can’t wait through everything. I can’t keep crying myself to sleep every night wishing for a text, a call, a sign that you are okay. And I can’t ask you to give up your life just to be with me, we both know it’s not going to work and we’ll be miserable-”

“Is this really happening?” Ashton interrupted you.

He was pacing back and forth in the little room, tears falling freely as he understood the words you were trying to say. You were leaving him. You were leaving him and he couldn't blame you. He knew it was too much to ask but he hoped… if he had tried hard enough, if he hadn’t neglected you the way that he did and invalidating you by not acknowledging your feelings, maybe this wouldn’t be the outcome of his mistakes.

“I love you,” He pleaded.

“Ash…”

“No, Y/N!” I know, I fucked up but please! Please, darling, don't leave me” He begged “I swear I’ll never be happy again, not even if we stay friends so don’t even dare to say that. Y/N. I love you. I love you, darling. You are the love of my life and -” He choked, overwhelmed with grief of what he just lost.

“Ash, please don’t make it harder” You cried, silently as your heart broke in a thousand pieces “We knew it’d happen eventually”

“No we fucking didn’t! I didn’t! I want you in my life, Y/N. And I know I sucked at letting you see that but- I swear, if you can wait till I get home, I swear we can make this last, baby. Please”

You stayed silent, wanting to be able to believe him right now, but knowing this was for the best, even if it hurt, it’s what needed to be done so both of you could be happy. And you want nothing more than for him to be happy and free to do whatever he wants, even if it breaks your heart.

“Goodbye, Ash. I love you” You said, voice breaking at the end “I’ll always love you”

“Y/N, don’t-” He pleaded one last time before you ended the call “FUCK” He yelled, throwing the phone to god knows where.

He lost you.

Luke, Calum and Michael came running towards the room when they heard Ashton yell. However, they didn’t expect to find their friend sitting on the floor, sobbing as he started to hyperventilate.

“Mate, what happened?” Ashton took a big breath.

“I fucked up, Cal” He said with a voice as broken as his heart “I fucked up and I don’t know if I can fix it”

Part 2

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subvk · 4 years ago

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HELLO EVERYONE! not only did we welcome the new year with open arms, but we are also celebrating the welcoming of 2,000 lovely birdies on this blog!

from the bottom of my heart, thank you so much for your never ending support for me. life never gets any easier, but you guys have provided me the love, motivation, and emotional support during this turbulent period of my life. whether you found me through another blog, through my fics, circulating on your dash etc, I will always be grateful that you’ve decided to come along with me on my journey to discovering myself.

let’s treat the new year with kindness and positivity, and hope for the best that after the year we’ve had, it will only go up from here.

take care and stay healthy, lovelies!

— with love, Juno.

🤍 and now, for my mutual appreciation! (under the cut because I tend to ramble)

[ a-g ]

[ h-k ]

[ l-p ]

[ q-z ]

ps. if you have an emoji beside your name, scroll down for a little message from me to you!

🌸 - we’ve personally never talked before, but I always enjoy seeing you on my dash whether it’s your interaction with other moots, reblogging of content, or posting content of your own! I have always wanted to hit you up but as a mere shy bean I never got to. either way, I’d love to sit and chat with you one day~

🌺 - regardless if we’ve talked a storm or only sent a handful of messages back and forth, you hold a special place in my heart and I hope 2021 treats you well. even though I’m hecking terrible at responding or keeping in touch, I love and appreciate your friendship and I hope we can talk more!

🌷 - you’re one of the people I consider my closest friends and for that, I’m eternally grateful to have met you in this lifetime. even when I don’t have much to offer and am terrible at showing my appreciation, you have made an impact in my life and have made things more bearable to say the least. thank you for being my endless support system and I love you very much!

💐 a note for you, from juno.

[to @guktro]: oh gray! we met through bhq and our love for animal crossing (it seems like I don’t love it all that much though because I haven’t touched my game since July 🤡). you’ve gone through so much this year and I will never shut up about how I admire you for staying strong and holding your ground. even though we talk once in a blue moon, you inspire me greatly. I love you and you deserve the world and more.

[to @inkedtae]: my buzzing bee! we actually haven’t talked all that much but you’re such a wonderful being inside and out. we’ve talked a handful of times in the dms but I really love your humor and how you handle situations so maturely. there are times where I feel like we’re the same person LOL. but either way, I’m ecstatic to run Bangtan Sorciere alongside you and I hope this new year brings us closer together. love you, bubbie.

[to @jamaisjoons]: QUEEN SOL 😠 when I first messaged you, I was so intimidated (not because of you, but because you’re one of my favorite fic writers and you were 🔝👸 big joon dick energy while I was 🧍🏻‍♀️🤡 stoopid LOL. I never thought I’d meet a fellow clown (but wbk I’m genuinely the bigger clown out of the two of us). and now that I’m ~going through it~ my heart bursts of even more love and appreciation for you because you’ve been there for me through it all! I can trust you with just about anything at this point. from the bottom of my heart, thank you for being my support system. I love you so much.

[to @moominyg]: keldaaa my gal!!! in terms of BTS we’re two polar opposites and I will never forget the countless times where you had to send me to 🅱️orny jail whenever we would send each other gif sets of the boys lmao. we’ve known each other for a short time but I’m happy to have become friends and gotten to know you!! it’s always fun talking to you whether it’s about the boys, about life being a dingus, or just wishing each other well in general dkfjf. also if you’re ever going back to New York, my trip there is in the works and as soon as miss rona calms down, mayhaps we could meet?? love you, girlie!

[to @sketchguk]: TWINNIE. oh my gosh we’ve gone through so much together, and to this day it’s unbelievable how you’re even real with all this love and friendship you’ve given me 😭 honestly, you’re one of my best friends and talking to you instantly brightens up my day. I love your energy and you’re truly one of a kind. I can’t believe miss rona is keeping us apart 😠😑 but until I can fly over to NY, I’m hugging the shit out of Cooky pls he’s so soft like you. I love you so much and I hope the new year treats you well!

[to @wushrooms]: rheya my og queen! you were one of the first people I met on here and we’ve gone through so much (and so many blogs of yours skdjdk) and I miss the days of us running a network together ;-; and sprinting together ;-; and thirsting over the boys together ;-; but I’m really happy you’re still writing! you’re an amazing writer and I can only wish to have half the creativity and aesthetic that you do. sorry I haven’t been keeping in touch, but I still love you a lot!

[to @yeoldontknow]: kat!! bet you weren’t expecting this, huh 🤪 I don’t think we’ve ever talked personally but we do run a network together (gosh it’s crazy that I’m even saying this now that Bangtan Sorciere has been established now djdkdk), and honestly you’re one of the kindest souls I’ve ever met. when you drew that first tarot card for me, I actually got emotional because of how scary accurate it was and definitely not also because I came out of a horrible day at work that day. truly, thank you so much for your kindness even though we’ve known each other for a short time. I love you and I hope we can talk more this year!

#milestones #second time posting this smh #i hope the tags work #tumblr dumblr don't be a party pooper

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carryonmywaywardwriters · 3 years ago

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Hey, y’all. It’s been a LONG eight months...

So, I ended up back in the hospital a few times. I keep getting better, and then experiencing these really big crashes. I’m not in a high spot, at the moment. But, not quite the lowest I’ve been. I’m still having seizures. At one point, it was several times a day for over a month straight. We’re back down to once a day. Usually after work. It’s just all really inconsistent, so the doctors are struggling to piece together how to control it. How to get me to a managable point.

Being in America is a little bit of a curse for this one. I HAVE to work through it. There’s no choice. Medical debts and such. I’ve had to call in...a lot. But, my direct boss is an angel, and assisting me as best as they can. That doesn’t change the damage it’s taking to my energy, though. I can get through one big thing a day. And that’s typically work. Days off are playing catch up. Occasionally, I’ll think I’m doing better. I went on walks with my dogs every day off for a bit, and then crashed. Went on a vacation and tried to have fun. Cue being bed ridden for three days.

I can’t write. That seems dramatic to say, seeing as I’m typing this right now. But, this doesn’t take any effort. At least, not compared to a story. Plot. Accurate dialogue. Making things seem somewhat flowy. Editing. Editing a second time. Trying to post. Working on the tags for both the story itself and the people who want to read. That is SO much more draining, mentally. I don’t even have the words to describe how fast my brain fries when I try it. Especially during days where my brain fog is really severe. It always ends with a migraine, so I gave up. Coming back to Tumblr felt like I HAD to be putting out something. I just didn’t bother logging back on, because of that mental pressure I was putting myself through.

During my time away, I focused more on just comfort to get through each day. Obviously, rewatching Supernatural was on that list. But, I also jumped headfirst into the Bridgerton craze- to be fair, I’ve been reading the series since I graduated high school...so, that is also filled with my comfort characters. Simon is great and all, but just wait for the actual brothers to get going. SO much better. Falcon and the Winter Soldier was a huge help- Can we talk about Bucky in it?! I feel like that’s important. I got really big into reading, on and off. When I could focus on it, it was great. From Blood and Ash and A Court of Thorns and Roses are my most recent tackled books. But, I was digging more into my older series. Tik Tok was huge and mindless entertainment. The new Resident Evil helped. But, the adrenaline spikes caused some problems. So, I had to go really slow there. Over all, it was entertainment that didn’t make me really use my brain or body in anyway to get through. It’s still my go to.

This is all super boring, I’m sure. And probably disappointing to those looking for new works. But, I miss Tumblr. I miss people who are actually into Supernatural (Facebook just doesn’t compare). So, I will be here on and off. Reblogging. Maybe doing the little song posts I used to. That being said: Don’t expect any written works. If I can muster it, eventually? Amazing. But, I cannot and will not try to do more than I am capable of. For now, I have to stay within my limits to get by.

I’m sorry. I love y’all. And I thank you for all of your support. I’ve seen all of your messages/asks, tonight. I just haven’t had a chance to respond, yet. I will be soon. But, for tonight? I’d like to just scroll free for a bit longer before bed.

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jidai · 4 years ago

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jidai’s budget mutuals/friends appreciation

Hi, all! I’m quite late with this but I decided to put a small friends and mutual appreciations post in hopes of brightening up the end of this year a little bit. ❤️ If you were tagged, please make sure to check below for a small little message from me. However, I want to make it very clear that I truly appreciate all of my mutuals. You guys brighten up my dash and always reblog or create so many funny and creative posts. I just wanted to give a few special shout outs to those that have taken out the time to reach out and interacted with me past my ask box or we just see each other often.

The messages are ordered by your URL, so you might have to scroll for awhile before you see your messages. I’m so sorry lmao.

Happy New Years, everyone!

@25th, Nonnie, the Young Genius. bro, remind me how old you are ��‍♀️ Like my brain CANNOT fathom the thought that you’re so skilled at SO many things and you’re not even in your twenties??? PLEASE SPARE THE TALENT. i will even accept crumbs. But I’m writing to tell you that you are such a wonderful presence on my dash. I always look forward to your gfx. They’re so SO good and you’re improving from one post to another. Like WOW. Now, you’re even starting an art blog, too? You’re so dedicated to the arts. I respect that a lot. Your hard work and commitment will bring you very far in life, whatever you decide to do.

I love interacting with you. You’re such a big sweetheart and full of positivity and energy. I look forward to seeing more of your art and gfx ❤️

@biscuitwalk, Dann, the AK Wiz. Dann, I know you’re not as active on here so idk when or if you will ever read this but I want to say that I miss you and your creations so, so much. I will say it a hundred times over and OVER but you inspire me so goddamn much. You have no fucking idea. Your works are absolutely gorgeous and unique. I can look at it once and I can instantly recognize your style (and your cute lil’ pufferfish <3). The way you utilize colors and implement various techniques, shapes, textures into your work. Goddamn, you’re so good. I always look to your work if I ever need inspiration and they help me brainstorm. God, I wish I could put it into words how much I adore your works.

We didn’t really talk for long but you seemed like such a kind and fun person to be around. I wish you the best in your future endeavors, wherever you are. Stay safe <3

@elriccs, Mirai, the Short King. 🧍‍♀️ ok look I know, I know I’m TERRIBLE at replying to you and I’m so fucking sorry. I absolutely love to talk to you but my dumbass cannot seem to reply in a timely manner LASELKSAL. That’s on me and I gotta do better. Anyways!!! Thank you SO fucking much for always leaving such kind messages on my work. I swear to god you’re one of my biggest hype man and I ALWAYS look forward to reading your tags. They’re so funny and it makes me all tingly and happy inside. Bro, like, you just radiate big fun vibes, bro. I really hope that I can get to know you better so I can just insult you until it’s too late to walk away </3

And of course, let me also remind you that I love your works so much. They way that you utilize your textures and those muted colors... OOMPH *chefs kiss* I will always love--

@lockhvrts, Em the Soulsborne GOD. hi em 🥺 it’s been awhile since I’ve had a proper conversation with you and I hope you’re doing okay! I miss you and our conversations where we do nothing but geek out and complain about the game industry lmao. if you manage to read this, I just wanted to let you know I miss your presence here. It’s been kinda dull not seeing your beautiful soulsborne gifs and your game rants. Let’s catch up soon. <3 stay safe and well!

@nathanprescutt, Benn, the Man. BENNNNNNNN. I love you a lot bro. I know we haven’t had long conversations for some time and I hope I can change that! You were my first friend on this blog and I will always appreciate it. I remember us just geeking out over your works and how I would always send you a gfx request like once a week LMAO. The one thing that I have always appreciated about you was the fact that you’re very opinionated (if not, very vocal on your stance on things) and you hold your ground. There were a few time where you encouraged me to speak on topics that I think I shouldn’t and that stuck with me for quite awhile. I’m still a nervous rambling mess when it comes to debates but just know that the one time you supported me to voice my opinion--I hold it very dear to my heart.

While I don’t spend much time together, I will always remember our animal crossing session. It was so much fun just trashing and chilling on your island. Especially the bar :( that bar was fucking AMAZING. Maybe once FFXVI comes out, we can geek out hehe

Also, thank you so much for sending in photos of all your doggos, omg. I miss seeing them so much I hope they’re doing well. Stay hot, my German bro lol. Ich bin sehr dankbar, so eine tolle Freundin zu haben. ❤️❤️❤️

@noxdivina, Lin the Big Dick Daddy Kind. The church is open for business bitch and I’m here to preach the GOSPEL.

Okay, jokes aside, I’m really happy that we became mutuals. You’ve always give off this like, mysterious cosmic vibe (????? huh). And your selfies just further proves that you are wtf. But you’re always so kind to those that you interact with. You’re an absolutely sweetheart and like I just want to give you a giant hug every time we interact. You’re such a soft human being. It’s so nice being around you. It’s like being tossed in the oven and baked at 250 degrees F for 25 minutes. And to boot you’re really talented, hello? God really said let there be a perfect human being and yeeted you into the universe. Thank you for always leaving such kind messages and words in my DM/askbox/works. I cherish them so much. I hope I can get to know you better in the future bc you’re rad, bro <3

anyways, updated drawing of u and maya:

i always assume you’re in a black fur parka 24/7 and maya is coatless neck down. also deck me with those jacked arms of yours thanks 🧍‍♀️

(edit: fuck i forgot to draw a PARTY HAT ON MAYA IM SORRY)

@rokuseis, Sei, the Dumber.

i have nothing to say to you go away you banana hater ASELKSAEKL

BITCH, you doo bee getting on my nerve 24/7/365 🧍‍♀️ you were an unexpected but a very welcomed addition to my life. I can’t believe we really went 1 fuckin’ year without speaking to each other and then suddenly our friendship blew up because over a stupid BANANA. Now you gotta deal with me and my stupid, random, crude ass messages daily. I cannot. Clown to clown communication. But thank you so much bitch for being there for me and telling all of these funny ass stories and life experiences.

I know I don’t say it a lot because when we talk it’s literally just dogs barking at each other but I want to make it clear now: I love your humor and vibe so much. You never fail to make me laugh anytime I talk to you and I appreciate it so much. I can’t tell you how many times I felt better after talking to you. Even though sometimes your fucking jab hits hard and I end up actually inSULTED BY IT. But thank you for becoming my friend and I look forward to all of our stupid moments together. Looking forward to shitting in your sink when I finally fly to your home <3

@wolfamongthem, Anna, the Grinch. Please don’t hurt me for that title. I'm just saying if someone needs a live casting, it’ll be u. Anyways, did you know that I was so fucking intimidated by you for a long ass time, even before we became mutuals aseljas LMAO. I always see your gifs around on explore and they’re so gorgeous and then I look at your text posts and it’s u roasting people like there’s no tomorrow- 🧍‍♀️ bitch I was SCARED OF U KSKS. Now that I’ve talked to you a few times, you’re really funny like where do you find those reaction memes????? Like bro you and your shitposts is my morning cup of coffee.

Anyways, in 2021 I expect a full-fledge review of all AAA games from you-- no more shit talking in the tags let it all out BITCH. Thank you for being such a great mutual! I look forward to see what weird shit you will send me the next time we talk lmao

@zenien, Selm, the I’m-gay-for-Lady-Maria-or-anything-that-moves-in-BB-Bitch™. ok bitch if I’m being honest I wrote yours last so my brain is FRIED. so everything i say from here is raw from the HEARt cause that’s all I got left. But anyhow, we savin’ the best for last! honestly, i didn’t expect you to barge into my life like that. i really didn’t. i was just gonna keep admiring with my 7 feet (2.1336 meters) pole. I’m glad you made the first move because look where we are wtf 🧍‍♀️ friends??? I wouldn’t believe you if you told me that in 2014 when I first followed you lmao.

You’re such a kind soul. I know you may disagree but I’m determined to convince you. I can’t tell you how much I want to thank you for taking the time to talk to me during my rough bits. It’s like sitting on a wooden bench in a park during sunset and you sit next to me, just enjoying the vast sky. You radiate such peaceful energy. It’s very calming. Or you know, 2 seconds later i’m suddenly suplexed by your 40 tons of insults like what--

Thank you for everything, so far. Truly. It’s been so fun listening to you talk about your Bloodborne journey and see your reactions live. It’s been so fun to see you post your graphics and it continues to blow me away. It’s been so fun hearing about your life and the stories of your adulthood. Every words that we have exchanged, I hold dearly to my heart--more than you ever know. Love u bitch.

#for mutuals #mutuals don't ask about your titles i was being quirky LMAO #this took so long so i hope it works properly sksks #it hasn't been proofread so enjoy the mess

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theverwitchproject · 4 years ago

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Gonna be honest, it kind of worries me that I’ve been seeing posts about how, for example, putting water out under the moon is not enough to create moonwater. And they come off as really passive aggressive, like “Oh, you can do magic your way but I’ve never had success with it and so I’m going to give you my way, which you should try. Because your way/the Tumblr way doesn’t take enough effort.”

I’m worried this post is going to somehow swing in the opposite direction, so I’m putting a disclaimer here: This is not to teach or offer up methods to do any magic. This is just me saying that these posts are disconcerting and giving my reasons why.

Listen, I’m still a new witch with a lot to learn, but I do think I’ve been here long enough to have some thoughts on this, and one of them is that the way everyone interacts with the universe and with magic and with energy is different.

Let’s stick with the moonwater example.

One of the posts I saw mentioned that the OP creates moonwater by presenting offerings to the moon, perhaps praying to the moon—I don’t actually remember verbatim because I ended up scrolling past rather than reblogging. The gist of it was that, by simply putting the water in moonlight, other witches aren’t putting enough of their own personal energy into the creation of the moonwater.

Off the top of my head I already have a couple reasons that some witches might simply put the water under the moon.

First of all, religious non-pagan witches (for example, I am a Christian witch) might not feel comfortable praying or presenting offerings to something or someone who is not their deity. I grew up with “Thou shalt have no other gods before me” and while I absolutely believe in the existence of other deities and of the energy of, for example, the moon, I’m not going to present offerings to them. Only to my deity. The God that I grew up with. Maybe one day that will change, but for now that’s where I stand, and I’m willing to bet that other non-pagan religious witches have similar feelings. And again, this isn’t to say that you SHOULDN’T offer sacrifices to the moon (or the sun or your ancestors or deities)! Just that... I don’t because I’m not comfortable with it, so your way of creating moonwater is AUTOMATICALLY something that I can’t/won’t try.

Second, a lot of witches, especially on tumblr, are spoonies. We have varying amounts of energy that we can put into our daily lives, including our magic. I’m in a depressive episode and have chronic fatigue; someone else might be in a wheelchair, or have limited hand movement, or be non-verbal and uncomfortable with praying. The list goes on. Even if I, personally, didn’t have the qualms about praying to something or someone other than the Abrahamic God, I don’t have the energy or resources to pray and provide offerings to the moon every month. I certainly don’t know how much energy I’m going to have leading up to the full moon until I get there! But I can put my bottle into the moon with intent and know that it’s going to be moonwater when I get it in the morning.

Also, imbuing/infusing/etc. something with energy WITHOUT a spell is presented as something beginners can do before they’re ready to Actually Perform Magic. (Furthermore, if I need to perform a spell to get a basic and common spell ingredient... idk that feels a little off to me, but that’s just me and I haven’t figured out everything about the way I interact with magic yet.)

Lastly, as I’ve mentioned, everyone experiences the world and the universe and magic differently. It may take less effort and preparation for someone to feel in touch with, say, the energy of the moon than for someone else, all other things being equal. (This one I don’t have a whole lot of experience with yet.) Maybe you need a spell and an offering to get moonwater, but someone else on tumblr doesn’t! That’s cool! That’s great! Your craft is your craft and their craft is their craft. Crazy how that works.

Again, the point of this post isn’t to be like, “Your way is invalid” or something like that. It’s not trying to get you to go BACK to not doing spells to create moonwater. Your craft is your craft! Do whatever works for you, and even share it! As a rule, I think it’s vital that witches have a desire and a willingness to learn from each other and to share knowledge, and I would love to explore other ways to create moonwater, or to make it more potent when I have the energy to do so. The thing is, although these posts aren’t being presented as “the only right way to do this” outright, they are being presented as if there isn’t enough from the other available ways, and... anything you are capable of is enough. Always. In witchcraft and in everything else.

(I’ve seen this with more than just moonwater, too, but I think moonwater is the one I’ve seen circulating the most.)

#witchcraft #witchblr #long post #discourse #witchcraft discourse #witch discourse #feel free to reblog #also feel free to make discussion points #but if I see a single piece about how ‘putting it in the moon isn’t enough’#blocked on sight I do not have the energy to do anything other than stick my water #or myself lol #in the moon and absorb its energy #kapiche?#cool

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peachyunjinnie · 4 years ago

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any blogs you wanna send love to? they don't have to be writers— i'm trying to prove a point here!❤️️❤️️

this is 1.5k and is officially more than most of my fics- ENJOY I GUESS??

@ammuqwer Alice, i love you and your lovely compliments you give me all the time to hype me up :’). you are so talented and such an amazing writer and friend. i could not tell you how fUNNY YOU ARE ecila sotl uoy evol i ;)💗

@bangchanismybias i don’t even know how to tell you how much you mean to me with all the support you give me with EVERY SINGLE POST I MAKE it’s so crazy the amount of happiness you bring me when i see your name pop up with every post on my phone! love you!!!💗

@channiesmixtape woody :( ugh where the actual heck should i start? you are for real the biggest and coolest writer that i know one here and with the amazing jungwoo content you give us is just-😞 you are one of the big writers that inspired me to write as well and that was one of the best decisions i could have made on here, to switch from reader to writer! i love you and your selcas! (forreal you is a goddess)💗

@chanonymous s n e h a m y p u p p y m o m i am your problematic cutie and i love it! we don’t interact as much as we could but the times we do i really have such an amazing time to talk to you and talk about stuff that are just often talked about! i seriously learned some physics for you and i cannot believe that i did but i would do it again for you💗

@cherryeol04 CHERRY! okay, you are so cute and so adorable idK WHY BUT YOU ARE!!! you deserve so much and nothing but the absolute best! your fics are really so well written and you are one of the most underrated artists on here. you really create art on here and that’s nothing but the truth. i love you and i wish to reach your level of writing one day!💗

@doubleknot42 sky!! wow! we haven’t talked in a hot minute but your cute little outfit shows would make my day brighter and better! just to see that is so adorable and how you would thrist over Conan is so relatable! i love you so so much and i wish you nothing but the very very best!!!💗

@gabiog1me gabiiii! i know we just started talking but you are so nice and kind already! it’s actually pretty cool to see and have some black friends on here and kind of have the ability to rant over some stuff that someone with a darker skin color would understand better! and your music taste is A+!!! you are amazing and your a-z is on the way;)💗

@jisungsjheekies lin! you are really with woodles and nicole the biggest blogs that are supporting me and i could not tell you how that literally boosted my energy and my ideas to post! your appreciation posts were just something i would see every single day and would really love! you are such a great writer and your selca is WOW just WOW- love ya!!💗

@kinkywoojins SAMMY SAM! okay okay, the moment i realized that i know you hoe i was 😦 like just 😦. DESTINY IS SUCH AN AMAZING THING HAHAHA i love you mom and i love your posts! if you post again i can bet my left eyebrow i will be the first one to read the masterpiece. AND YOU ARE SO SO GORGEOUS LIKE WOW- THE DOUBLE KNOT PHOTOSHOOT WAS A WHOLE AESTHETIC- i love you so sooooo much!!💗

@lordseochangbin Mel, you are probably really one of the accounts that has the best humor. when you post some crackhead posts i just always have to lie down to calm down and not have an asthma attack and die. PLUS you are so talented! the tennis fic was fuCK so GOOD!! i am so honored to say that you my friend on here! love uuu uwu💗

@lixieslexie LEXIE! okay okay okay. you made me nearly cry when you said that you watched Ghibli movies and I COULD NOT PUT IN WORDS HOW PROUD I AM you are really so pure and such a sweetheart and you have found my softspot some way and now you are my C U T I E. i love u💗

@mrbangchannie meggie meg :) you are so precious and you are so crazy! you are an amazing writer, a beauty, crackhead humor queen and such an amazing friend! we have to talk more and send some crackhead pics cuz i need to send it to someone on here but no one would really get it tbh💀💗

@mikoto-ica-fics m i c a okay so, YOUR DEMON EYE PIC WAS SO BEAUTIFUL AND I AM NOT KIDDING YOU ARE SO SO SO SO PRETTY!! I COULD NOT BELIEVE TO SEE THE EVERY SINGLE ONE ON HERE IS SO GORGEOUS AND THEN THERE’S ME LIKE WOW JUST WOW UNFAIRNESS AT AN ENTIRE DIFFERENT LEVEL- but you are such a pure person and your writing skill is another level of genius. love yuuuu💗

@mini-meanhoe summi🥺 i can’t believe that you are FINALLY my friend and now that we are and the pics you send me of bald stray kids i really do not regret it a SINGLE bit. BUT YOUR FLIRTY ASS NEEDS TO STOP like i kinda just have a constant bellyache from laughing because you of your flirty actions- you are the death of me and i am really not minding it at all hshshhah. also your writing is so good and you have to continue cuz nabi needs more to read! i LOVE you💗

@nightshade-minho miKA i love you and you are so hardworking and i really admire you on another level. i wish i could maintain such a huge blog like yours! you are really a mAgIcAL person cuz no way a normal human being is so cute and talented. when i saw that you’re following me i shit you not i had a 20 minute happydance in my room- imma end this before i expose my cringy ass too much, i luv u💗

@particularemu nicole! we haven’t interacted really but i really had to say this if you see this or something! you are awesome! you are great! you are incredible, you are wonderful! i love you and your sometimes random hyunjin reblogs and i could not get enough of them! i love you lots💗

@starryseung ivy, i saw that the admin changed into mia so imma just say that you both are great and i really love to read the various posts and just to scroll on the dashboard to see your posts! i love you two and you two are really so special!💗

@seungmins-sunshine ANNA I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU nothing else to say than that💗

@shari-skz shari! a fellow hyunjin stan and basically my sister...? anna’s family is complicated and i am so confused with who i am related to on here bUT what was about to say is that you brighten up everyone on here so much through the many hateful and irrelevant anons! i love your child ass and i hope we can talk more in the future!💗

@thevampywarlock aShY AsH I LOVE YOU. I SEE YOU AND I INSTANTLY UWU HARD IDK WHY BUT THE ENERGY YOU GIVE OFF IS SO CUTE I CAN’T EVEN STAY NORMAL AND I HOPE YOU CAN ALWAY COME TO ME WHEN YOU NEED TO AND WHEN YOU FEEL SAD OR SOMETHING CUZ I WILL MAKE YOU HAPPY AGAIN💗

@vocalyunhoamelie!!!! the way we first interacted was so weird and so cool at the same time! and the anonie you gave me on your blog really just hits different🥺 and it will stay our little secret hehee i love you and i hope i can get into more of your ateez work!!!💗

@yangomangos MANGOS! mh where to start, you are so adorable and so...idk just give me cute vibes? i was the most nervous little shit to text you because you kinda seemed like a celebrity to me JHGSJHGJASHHI with all of your work being out there and just thriving! you are such a baby and i will not argue over you being a baby! i love you and i really hope we can have better days in the future!💗

@yoyo-mans haya! i really don’t even know where to start with you! you are really such a huge huge friend for me and i couldn't tell you if i would be still here without you by my side. i want you to know that you are absolutely amazing and beautiful! i love you so much and i hope we can make many memories together!💗

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bladekindeyewear · 4 years ago

Text

HS^2 bloggin’ mainline 2020-05-19

Figured an upd8 was coming, it’s felt like enough time has passed for one.

Huh, looking at my last post I’d completely forgotten I was supposed to play through Pesterquest sometime... work is busy and stressing me out a bit, I’m not sure when I’ll have the energy on the side to do that. (Maybe I’ll livetweet it like I did Undertale a while ago, but this time not looking at my twitter replies so I don’t get spoiled by One Guy™?)

Also, including bonus commentary on A Threat Sensed.

Okay, going in completely blind. I’d guessed from context that we’re hopping over to Meat side to get a chapter there before we can come back to actually see Yiffy?

Yep. Okay, what is this about exactly?

(Agh, dammit, I’ve been copying and pasting so much at work remoting into Windows lately that now I’m automatically trying to hit control-C instead of command-C to copy.)

> CHAPTER 9. How Goes The Eulogizing, Dear?

CONTENT NOTE: This chapter contains Child Abuse.

Which one???

Wait

JANE: (Where is he?) JANE: (It's a question I've found myself asking many times in recent days.)

Holy SHIT we get two Candy chapters in a row??? So we might see her right away?? No, it’s gotta just be another tiny glimpse.

(Has two Candy chapters in a row happened before? Future Boots, scroll back up and put this here. FUTURE BOOTS: “I forgot to scroll back up and put that here.” EDIT: Also, not the first time with two in a row, but it IS the first time with THREE in a row, huh.)

So Jane has to be talking about either Tavros or Dave. --Oh, if this was a Candy Side chapter title, I guess Rose or Jade is eulogizing Dave for John?

> (==>)

JANE: (Where now is our merry savior?) JANE: (Where is the horn that was honking?) JANE: (Where is the cape and the codpiece, and the...) JANE: (The...) JANE: (Oh, fiddlesticks.)

What? Is she reading a childrens’ book? --Oh. She’s eulogizing Gamzee. So that gives us a third option, where the rebellion crashes the funeral somehow, probably audiovisually rather than in person. (Which would make sense, given Candy practically began with Gamzee crashing Dirk’s funeral.)

> (==>)

Ah never mind, she’s still writing it.

That sure is a single button drama-remote that’s going to be pressed at some point. Oh, and who the fuck keeps a spork in a pen cup??? --No no, don’t say it’s one of those pens with a spork at the eraser end, either ready-made or rubber-banded to the side. That would make sense. You totally know it isn’t that and is just a spork.

JANE: (Okay, poetry is out.) JANE: (What else?) JANE: (Hrm...) JANE: (I've always been pretty good at crying on cue.) JANE: (Could I try staging an emotional breakdown?) JANE: (That could work; playing to people's humanity.)

Why were you crying in Jake’s arms about his death if you didn’t care that much? Did you just want him to hold you and kinda make him feel in on things again? Or did you just cry yourself out about him?

JANE: (Or whatever is the more inclusive term.)

I bet the rest of Earth C figured out a more inclusive term millenia ago FUCK I accidentally added millennia to my dictionary misspelled instead of correcting it hold on--

...There, killed the entry for it. ...Huh. Take a look at my Chrome dictionary’s custom-added words over the years, apparently:

Caliborn Eridan Kanaya Matriorb Meenah Tavros alchemiter dichotomic nephilim reblogged uncaptchalogues uncaptchaloguing

That’s fun.

Okay back to reading. Millennia. Phew! Where was I.

JANE: (One really good and calculated weep could do it, I think.) JANE: (But then there's the danger that I might get carried away and do it for real.) JANE: (And I can't risk that.)

So still feeling something, just too used to calculating over the past years.

JANE: (What can I say about him that will stir up their emotions?) JANE: (Do I mention the stuff about the milk?) JANE: (Think Crocker, think.)

WHY would you-- how much did Gamzee normalize adult breastfeeding?!

JAKE: Ahoy over there!

Not the best time.

(The thing with the divorce papers from the Epilogue and John implying he was planning with Jake to execute something that sounds like a divorce... is that going to be sprung here? Did her lawyers send the divorce papers way back when she was in a fit of pique, and he just had them available to sign now at the tactical moment? Or... let me pull the exact text...)

JOHN: now, harry anderson, i know that you and tavros haven't always gotten along. JOHN: but i am going to have to ask you to try and look out for him for the time being. JOHN: your uncle jake and i... well, i'll explain later. JOHN: let's just say that gamzee isn't the only family member jane is losing today.

(So is John going to submit the papers? Or did they already go through a while ago and default custody to John or something who’s going to adopt him too or some nonsense? And did he plan this out with Jake NOW, or a while ago, and if only a while ago, is Jake going to KNOW whatever John’s about to pull in that respect is about to happen??)

> (==>)

Butte

Janepalme

> (==>)

JAKE: Er... how goes the eulogizing, dear?

Gah. I completely forgot again that capitalized-first-letter chapter names don’t mean KANAYA is saying them.�� That probably makes a lot more sense out of my wondering about the chapter title earlier to those of you who didn’t realize I was making that mistake.

JANE: It turns out that it's mighty difficult to find touching things to say about a person, the relationship with whom was predicated on deep-seated mutual loathing.

Hah!

--A loathing you regarded as largely more important to you than Jake ever was, by the way. You asshole.

JANE: I imagine this is one of the reasons no funerary tradition was ever established on Alternia, besides the barbarism of their culture. DIRK: Jesus christ. JANE: Not only did a significant proportion of their interpersonality depend on romance in the form of hatred, but it was a society based on cruelty and violence. JANE: What reason could they have had to provide for the dead? JANE: What kind of last rites could they have even imagined?

I wondered for a moment why (bg!)Dirk of all people would react to a single line of her starting to bring up prejudices, but then I realized that (1) Brain Ghost Dirk is a little more Jakey, and (2) Dirk knew that more ranting would follow the first line.

JANE: I can't think of anything good to write about him because deep down, I hated his guts. JANE: But he was and is beloved of the multitude, so I have to think of something regardless. JAKE: Im not sure i understand. JANE: Don't worry your pretty little head about it. JANE: This is politics, Jakey. JANE: Lying through your two front teeth about people you hate is about as good a definition as it's possible to get. JANE: But, by gum, is it tiring work.

Mm. It’s a position Jane put herself in, but it’s still a legitimate position once you’re there.

JANE: The funeral is tomorrow, after all.

Got it.

DIRK: Dude, the bowl. JAKE: Hm? JAKE: Oh, right. JANE: What is it now, Jake. JAKE: I brought something for our guest as well. JANE: You mean the prisoner. JAKE: Y...es.

Wait, bowl?

Oh god damnit which of you had the idea to feed her with a DOG BOWL. Either of you could have thought of it, and either of you would be horrible for it.

> (==>)

Huh, that outfit on Yiffy looks familiar, like a reference to something. And a black tail? This definitely isn’t quite the look I was expecting from Jade Plus Rose, but I suppose the snazzy tie is a Roseish vibe. Also reminiscent of Jade’s old Dead Shuffle dress. Formal wear and soccer cleats??

JANE: She's over in the corner. JANE: Don't worry, she won't bite. JANE: I've seen to that already.

WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN. I don’t see anything over her mouth! Did she stick something in it, or drug her? File her fucking teeth???

I mean I did forget the Child Abuse trigger warning to be fair. Hoping whatever would be on her mouth is just not shown in-panel yet for stylistic reasons.

> (==>)

JAKE: Its only mac and cheese, sorry. JAKE: Its all I know how to make, haha. JAKE: ... JAKE: I um... hope you can safely partake of cheese? JAKE: ... JAKE: Well, JAKE: Bon appetit.

How the fuck did Jake eat on his island then? --Oh right, preserved food cans that Grandma Jade stored up, I think I remember. Why would cheese not be a thing for them, if it’s fine for Jade? I know he’s probably not just worried about lactose intolerance.

Either way, if she’s drugged here, that’ll mean we won’t get a good idea of her for a while, so which is it...

> (==>)

DIRK: Bon appetit. DIRK: Seriously dude? JAKE: (What? Did i pronounce it wrong?) DIRK: Jake. DIRK: You put the food in a fucking dog bowl. JAKE: (It was all there was, ok???) JAKE: (I feel awful enough as it is without you getting on my case about it.)

Ah, missed the bone pun. AND, yeah, Jake, you’re a fucking idiot, you could have put it in a cup or something.

JAKE: (So far ive yet to see anything come of that brilliant plan of yours.) JAKE: (Are you sure sending that message to the others was enough?)

Okay, so he IS coordinating this slightly.

> (==>)

Horrifying image to contemplate, eh Jane?

Or anger-inducing?

> (==>)

Seems about right!

> (==>)

Oh that’s a GREAT exasperated Jane face.

JANE: I hope you're not expecting dessert, young lady.

I like how Jane didn’t notice, comment on, or care about the bowl. How can you hate a kid so much??

> (==>)

Oh I know why I felt like I recognized the outfit style, it’s because it’s ANIME AS FUCK. Feels like some Persona 4 Arena nonsense, and I say that not having played any of those games or even remembering what they looked like. Also, white hair, black fur’d dog parts? Nice change of pace.

YIFFY: GRRRRRRRRR... JANE: Oh no you don't.

Red text? What color exactly... “#D00009”? Huh. That’s nowhere near Alt-Callie’s #FF0000, and darker than Dave’s #E00707. In fact, let me go back and check those spilled color pins the commentary pointed out from an update or two ago... no, the red pin is #E63225, closer to Dave’s color. (Also, is Yiffy blocking the doorway out? That’s a pretty slack chain then.)

Did Jane see to it that she wouldn’t bite with like, a water spray bottle?

(EDIT: Oh my FUCKING GOD, THAT's why it's #D00009...)

> (==>)

FUCK I didn’t notice the shock collar in the Yiffy image! FUCK YOU, Jane.

> (==>)

Keeping someone in line with collars, especially ones that punish whenever one strays out of line, has always been a decent way for her to mix in some Doomy control of others to show how she’s “grown” to balance her main role and her Tiara-controlled-like inverse for more power. Doom in part represents boundaries that you can’t cross without getting hurt or punished.

> (==>)

FUCK, those little buck teeth!? D’:

JANE: That's more like it.

She HAS to have more of a reason for hating her than hating her parents, right? Like, more than that and general racism applying to partdogfolk?

> (==>)

Hey fuck off with that!

> (==>)

This is a pretty cool ima-- are those piercings on her dog ear? I didn’t notice that in the first shot, neat.

JANE: You've been a thorn in my side ever since I agreed to enroll you at the academy, little madam. JANE: Back then, I was doing a favor for two old friends who made a disgusting mistake. JANE: I'm no longer going to play nice with you just because of your parents, however. JANE: That truce is over. JANE: Do I make myself understood?

What the fuck? WHY would you do that? Why does Jane run "Ms. Paint’s Home for Inconvenient Girls”? What did Yiffy do to piss her off so much there, how much trouble could she have caused?

I don’t know if she’s referring to the behind-Kanaya’s-back part as disgusting or she’s just being MORE racist.

> (==>)

JANE: We don't want you passing out during the ceremony, do we?

Oh, just showing the hostage off during the clown funeral, huh? Classy much?

> (==>)

JANE: Now, be a good hostage and get some rest, Yiffany dear. JANE: We've got a big day tomorrow.

For a politician, Jane’s not good at looking at herself in a mirror.

> (==>)

JANE: Night night. JANE: Hoo hoo.

> (Yiffy: Lights out.)

Huh, dream stuff is gonna be relevant out in Candy then? *click*

Okay, dark background all of a sudden. Properly dramatic? You even have to highlight the non-link “>” part of the Next link to see it.

> (==>)

-- thespiansGlamor [TG] began pestering adamantGriftress [AG] --

Well, I don’t know WHY it’s happening, but the white-backed pesterlog suddenly on the dark site framing is certainly evocative. Of like, a mood, or something.

TG: i thought he was pretty quiet down there. TG: we'll make a rebel of him yet! AG: Lol. AG: I think it's more that he can't sleep. AG: I know how he feels. TG: yeah. TG: today was a lot. AG: ... TG: do you wanna talk about it? AG: Ugh, not you as well.

It’s really jarring to transition between Homestuck’s “kids jarringly mentally resistant to freaking out about the end of the world” to HS^2′s more realistic “kids traumatized by their first firefight even though it was an overwhelming victory-escape”.

TG: but seriously, do you? AG: Not really. TG: not even about... you know? TG: her? AG: No. TG: ... are you sure? AG: A8solutely. AG: What are you, my moirail? AG: Just leave it, Harry. TG: ok.

Are they about to have an “I wonder what Yiffy’s like” talk?

> (==>)

Very similar Tav/Vrissy convo to the previous one.

GG: I havent ever shared a bedroom before,,, GG: Not even for a slumber party,,, AG: Tavvy, you are just a8out the saddest person I've ever met.

Well, we have an even better idea how horrible Jane can be with kids, now. From Nanna to THIS is quite jarring. I wonder how the double Nannasprites that must still be around here somewhere feel?

> (==>)

TG: nothing about my dad is cute. TG: what are you even saying. AG: Lmao. TG: seriously! TG: i think he has something against that word, even. he gets super weird about it. AG: He's a strange and funny m8n. TG: yeah. TG: ... TG: i think something bad must have happened.

...um. What? Why would John have some sort of trauma about the word cute or being called it?

Did John dress up as a hint of his buried June ambitions as a kid and Dad lavish him with “SO CUTE” praise in an epic supportiveness backfire that caused him to shelve the idea of wearing non-masc clothes and being happier on the flipside of gender ever again??? Because if that’s how June gets canonized as promised, it’s a little harsher than the back of my mind was hoping. I guess it kind of had to be though from the premise of how it was read into his childhood for the original idea, though. Fuck, I hope this Cute business is about something different from that (like a Terezi reference or such) just to get less John Sads. (But still June. Definitely still want to get June.)

> (==>)

Oh, and now Vrissy is doing nothing but talking about what she said she didn’t want to talk about, of course. (Also I like how JANE’s now being called the Batterwitch.)

AG: And the worst part was they didn't even fight a8out it! AG: That made me madder than 8nything else. AG: It felt like I was the only person who even W8S mad! GG: I dont think thats true,,, AG: What would you know a8out it?! GG: Maybe nothing,,, GG: Sorry,,, GG: Its just,,, GG: To me,,, all the way through the conversation,,, aunt kanaya looked even angrier than you,,, AG: ... AG: Adults are so fucking weird.

Guh, I don’t want to be reminded how hurt a good chunk of the fanbase is by Kanaya getting hurt this badly.

Original Tavros was always SLIGHTLY perceptive of others sometimes, but maybe perceptiveness is being hinted at as a Tavros specialty? We still don’t know his classpect/hero-title or have any firm guesses based on purely him evidence. (Also, frightened kids of abusive households tend to learn to get perceptive pretty fucking quickly I hear.)

> (==>)

TG: dad was sitting in the cafeteria with aunt jade and your moms. TG: it looked like they were discussing something important... they were whispering and stuff.

[etc etc] Alright, the what-happened-to-Dave bit. And I imagine they’re kind of helping John grieve there, since Rose and Jade have talked that out already.

TG: aunt kanaya's was the only face i could see. TG: she was standing next to them, but she wasn't looking at what was going on. TG: almost like she couldn't bear to. AG: I doubt it. Kanaya's got a8out as much Emotivity as a very reclusive stone. TG: ok, i think that is bullshit but whatever. TG: she saw me standing there, but didn't say anything. she just shook her head slightly, and pointed back out into the hallway i came down.

Yep, giving them some space to grieve. Also-- gosh, shouldn’t Vrissy have the same emotive senses that Aranea implied Vriska shared with her? Kanaya isn’t that EXPRESSIVE but she’s certainly full of emotion. Also, I hope part of her not bearing to watch wasn’t lingering anger toward Jade and Rose mixing with that, but there probably was a bit of that too, though Dave being gone is so much harsher than that. --I just realized they might not have broken the news to Karkat yet, either.

AG: I guesadxcxzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz TG: vrissy?

Put to sleep by someone slumping down on your phone keypad, or surprised by something about the other conversation?

Oh shit, “other conversation” reminded me I didn’t look at Tavros’s chumhandle:

glutinousGymnast [GG]

HHHHHhhhhuh. Hm... huh? hhhh. huh? what, but. Why would. ?????

I really don’t understand what that chumhandle or any of its entendres should signify in this context.

Also, this means for our new four kids we have TG, GG, AG, and ??.

> (==>)

GG: I think she might have succumbed to sleep quite suddenly,,, GG: It would explain the,,,,,, interesting messages I've been getting for a while,,, TG: hehe. TG: i guess that tracks. TG: she does that from time to time.

That’s... strange. Homestuck’s taught us to be suspicious of that.

TG: ... TG: tav? GG: Yes,,, harry anderson,,,? TG: what does it feel like to know someone who's died?

Who is Harry referring to? (EDIT: Yes I know Gamzee for Tavros, but I meant Harry talks like he's worried he'll have to feel that way soon?) Is he just kind of inferring that something bad might have happened to Uncle Dave? Got that perceptive “parents are about to tell me about a death in the family” vibe? Or did he overhear more than he let on to Vrissy?

...alright, that’s the last page of this update. Looks like this chapter is going to continue to have a good bunch of grieving, or talk around it.

---

Now for Bonus Commentary for A Threat, Sensed. For some reason I have a dim memory of like... reading this myself without commenting on it? Or skimming it? But I’m pretty sure I didn’t do that. Weird. Must have imagined doing it.

Ah, I think I saw the opening paragraph scrolling Patreon, and my mind kinda filled in the blanks, this is still looking new to me.

Okay, mostly banter and japes in the commentary here. About Dirk “throwing a huge tantrum in his philosophy cave”.

We’ve had quite a bit of speculation on whether this is “really” Andrew. To that, I think we’d say that it doesn’t “really” matter.

Really? That was speculated about? :/

Here we discover that Dirk has not, as some people have speculated, been directly intervening into the Candy timeline, or influencing it in any way. In fact, he has a very hard time seeing anything going on there at all.

Mhmm, and that was a pretty important thing to learn.

A couple of years ago I might have agreed with the take that everything happening in Candy is simply too outlandish to ever happen naturally, without direct, villainous interference, but that was before literally every fucking batshit insane thing that has happened on Real Life Earth started going down, and now I will believe literally anything.

This is a nice bit of distraction from the idea that at least the opening parts of the Candy story were written/narrated by Original, Alive Calliope over on meat side. To refresh your memory of what was pointed out to me:

ROXY: back when jade first got all effed up callie saw somethin and it made them freak out ROXY: it took me weeks to convince them that it was safe to come home ROXY: but now we got the opposite problem and they arent leavin the house at all ROXY: they stay home all day with the blinds drawn paintin some weird ass shit on the walls TEREZI: WH4T? ROXY: its not as bad as it sounds i promise ROXY: some of it is like ROXY: weird and violent?? ROXY: like lotsa nasty purple blood and um ROXY: nudity???? TEREZI: >:? ROXY: yeah yikes ROXY: but MOST of it is cute stuff like... various combos of all of us being happy and gettin married and shit ROXY: anyway thats kept callie kinda busy

Which tracks with the initial out-of-character-seemingness of almost everyone at the start of Candy, and how they kind of tried to railroad things back onto the “Happy??” track after Dirk derailed it with his weird self-accumulation suicide, along with some of the flowery-idyllic descriptions of characters seeing each other bathed in a halo of light and such.

Of course, they’re not going to out-and-out STATE that Calliope was at fault for that narration, helping the Candy story not necessarily fall out the way it did “naturally”, until we finally get a glimpse of her on the heroes’ ship in Meat probably still painting the continuing Candy events, inspiring them into the void of the singularity with her latent powers. Til then, it’s a bit of misdirection whenever the topic is to be brought up. Along with a mix of Roxy’s late-Candy point to John of more or less “why COULDN’T we have done this naturally? you don’t know”.

He might even think that he has more direct power over the narrative than Hussie does himself. Surprise, motherfucker, you are a fictional character.

I’ll quote this next part in full:

There’s been talk of whether or not this bonus was written in the two days between its release and the Yiffy reveal chapter. The answer is--no. It was written over a month ago. But I think the things it addresses were not difficult to suss out. Obviously, Dirk is highlighting the issues that the readership are having with Yiffy, in his typical Dirk fashion. If it seems a little defensive, well...I suppose it is. Yiffy is one of the two hard lines drawn in the sand, and all of us love her, and we’re hoping that everyone else will love her too. But more than that, it focuses on the fact that update culture has a rhythm to it--shock, revulsion, acceptance (or not), and then excitement (or not). Will it follow that pattern this time? Who knows. I guess we’ll find out.

Yeah, given what was going to be dropped on us I expected they would have had exactly this lined up, especially because Andrew specifically mandated Yiffy. --I wonder why they aren’t mentioning that somewhere in the commentary and only on one of their Twitters?

Also quoting this:

There’s something both incredibly “cringe” and self-indulgent, as well as philosophically intriguing, about the author arguing with his villain, especially since he’s writing both halves of the conversation himself. You are, for all intents and purposes, trying to solve a problem that you have created for yourself. You are looking an aspect of your personality in the eye and asking, hey, what the fuck, man?

But in the end, isn’t that what every story is? Trying to untie knots that you put in the rope yourself?

Since it’s part of the central struggle of this story, and kind of the question Andrew’s tried to imply with every Homestuck work about what right we have to keep these characters trapped in a story, and if they’d be better off escaping it.

I’m really trying to avoid quoting so much of this, since the commentary is paid... but I think we can make an exception here? I’ll have only quoted about half of it; just, the really plot-important half. Plus, I left out a LOOOT of japes.

Dirk has a certain idea of how stories are supposed to go. That’s pretty much what the Epilogues is about. The audience also has a certain expectation of how a story is supposed to go. In a way, the Epilogues were also about that. They were taking a story that had reached the traditionally “acceptable” happily ever after, and saying, wait, no. What happens next? Thinking past happily ever after in any story is a terrifying prospect. Once Cinderella marries the prince, what then? Sure, she got what she wanted, but who knows that it will be everything she dreamt it would? What if she changes her mind, if not today, what about ten years from now? What if the prince dies of malaria?

And I’m...

Yeah I don’t have anything else to add here, I’m kind of out of brain juice to think about this tonight. BUSY day I had. Y’all take care!

#Homestuck #hs2 #Homestuck Liveblog #upd8 #Homestuck^2 #bladekindeyewear #blastyoboots #spoiler #spoilers #Homestuck Commentary

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jootsmcgoots · 4 years ago

Text

Quiet Room (AFAB Reader with GN pronouns x Risotto Nero) Hurt/Comfort, Not SFW

Okay...last one of the batch! I do hope to write more pieces in the future, but this is all I got for now folks! Hope you all enjoy what I’ve posted up, and I will resume reblogging more stuff, old and new, when the fancy/energy strikes me.

This one’s yet another hurt/comfort fic about depression because well...as we all know, times have been rough lately, and that means a lotta people’s mental health situations have varied, mine personally just going down. Way down. I’m still afloat, but I really needed something comforting and so I wrote this piece.

I went back and forth about whether I should include smut or not, and in the end I did because I was trying to go for something less like... “ooh sexy time” and more just intimate, like a soft kind of sexual intimacy.

So for all of you out there who are feeling the same way I do: keep fighting the good fight. It only ends when we’re dead ✌️

Hope y’all like this.

Rating: Explicit, Not SFW

Genre/Tags: Not SFW, bath sex but only kind of.

Word count: 3499

Summary:

Come with me as I swim into the pale, pale darkness.

Never let go of my hand that grips yours hard.

Hey, are you still there?

When you're sinking, Risotto is there to pull you back up for air.

AFAB reader, gender-neutral pronouns.

You were no stranger to the weights and burdens of the world. After all, such things were natural. In a world full of beautiful, wonderful things, it only stands to reason that painful and heavy things would exist in equal measure.

As someone who had experienced pain, you had already come to the decision that you would be someone who helped others, to help them shoulder the weight so as to not let their knees buckle, to not leave them to be crushed under their load. You were a supporter, a protector, and you found strength in your kindness. You made a choice every single day, and not once did you ever regret it.

However, even the strong can be weak. No one is perfect nor invulnerable, and that includes even the strongest person in the world.

That was you today. Today, you were weak. Today, everything was far too heavy, far too difficult, far too much. It felt like no matter how much you struggled, it was a futile effort that would end in failure, no matter how many attempts you made to command your body into acting. You were practically on autopilot and taking care of yourself had been a veritable chore. It felt like all of your movements were slow and cumbersome. Every single action took far more energy, time, and effort than it should have had you not felt like your brain was full of molasses and worms.

Now it was evening, and the seconds continued to tick past as you sat slumped against your chair, eyes glazed over as you mindlessly browsed the Internet. A quick glance at the clock on the bottom right of the screen told you it was past 11PM and definitely well past your usual shower time. You let out a sigh, thick and heavy with your exhaustion despite the fact that you had barely done anything today.

You had been trying to convince yourself to finally get up and bathe for at least the past hour, and yet your body still stayed right where it was, as if you were glued to the computer chair. No matter how many times you commanded yourself to move, your body refused.

Closing your eyes tiredly, you wondered if it was even worth trying to shower. Normally, you put in an effort to take care of yourself, no matter the circumstances, yet your limbs refused to move, resigning themselves to remaining bogged down by whatever was ailing you. But then again, your hair needed washing and your skin was sticky and grimy with sweat and you were uncomfortable and…

The distant sound of the front door unlocking and shutting shook you out of your haze. One eye peeled open, looking in the direction of the sound. With a grunt, you did your best to pull yourself up to sit straight as heavy footsteps drew closer and closer to your room. The door opened with a quiet swing as Risotto stepped in. You stiffly turned your head to look in his direction.

Your greeting barely made it past your throat, your voice rather empty sounding. “Hey.”

Risotto hummed in response. In silence, red eyes studied you intently. Though you could feel his stare on you, you paid him no mind, continuing to scroll through whatever random online forum you found yourself at.

“You haven’t showered yet.” he observed.

You merely mumbled an affirmative, finding speaking to be difficult. You didn’t like it when he saw you like this, but you couldn’t find it in you to put up some façade of stability. It felt like you were up to your waist in water and your pieces were drifting in all different directions, and no matter how hard you trudged, you could barely fight against the current, let alone pull yourself back together.

Risotto hummed again, this time in consideration. It was one of those days, he supposed. He had hypothesized that that was the case. When he had passed by the kitchen, he had noted that the dishes on the dishrack seemed to be the exact same ones from this morning, except with a few additions. You must have managed to do the dishes but not put away the already clean ones. A sign that you were struggling. He had prepared himself for this to be the case when he walked into your room. Seeing you drift in and out of focus as you basically wilted away in your chair only confirmed it.

With that, his mind was made up. Sighing, he leaned down to pick you up into his arms. You made a noise at the contact and removal from your spot, but offered zero resistance, letting him hoist you up and carry you to the bathroom.

“Let’s get you washed up.”

“Nyehhh,” you whined in response, drawing out the syllable, “M’already washed up. Heh. Geddit. Heh heh heh.” Your chuckle was deadpan and flat. You felt his chest rumble with his “mm” as he continued to carry you.

Entering the bathroom, Risotto flipped the light switch on with his elbow. You groaned and instinctively shied away from the suddenly too-bright fluorescent light. Your boyfriend walked further into the room and closed the lid of the toilet before gently setting you down to sit.

You sat there, body lax and gaze unfocused as you watched Risotto start the shower and strip down. Heaving a sigh, you followed suit, lethargically pulling your clothes off. By the time you were finally bare, the water had heated up to a suitable temperature, and Risotto led you inside of the stall.

You gave a contented sigh as you felt hot water wash over your body. Despite how it seemed, it wasn’t that you didn’t want this; you just couldn’t get up to do it. You could feel your muscles relaxing underneath the shower. You really did need this.

“Good?” Risotto asked.

You nodded, eyes lidded from the heavenly warmth of the shower. “Good.” You were beginning to zone out, when you registered Risotto’s hand and a handful of cold shampoo all over your scalp.

“Close your eyes.” he commanded, beginning to work some shampoo into a lather. You obeyed, staring into the dark, taking in all of the sensations. The gentle sound of the shower, the scent of your shampoo, the pleasant scratch and pull along your scalp and the warmth on your skin, all of these felt heightened in the dark. You shivered as you felt his nails scrape at the back of your head and along the nape of your neck.

You felt him silently guide you to where the spray was strongest, and you felt his hands carding through your wet hair, rinsing out all of the suds. When he was done, you raised your head and ran a hand through the front, sweeping back any hair that was stuck to your face.

You fumbled blindly for a moment, looking for the face towel you kept in the shower.

“Here.” Risotto offered, handing you the towel. After a moment more of blind groping about, you took the towel with a thankful grunt before wiping off your face. You handed it to him after you were done to let him use it while you glanced around for the bodywash.

Picking up the bottle, you squirted some into your hand and worked the soap into a lather before setting your hands along Risotto’s body. He murmured appreciatively, enjoying the feeling of your hands working his skin and muscles. You scrubbed him diligently, massaging him wherever you could reach. Soon, he took matters into his own hands for the rest.

Before you could start on yourself, a firm hold on your wrist halted you.

“Allow me.”

You looked at him as if in thought, but in the end you silently acquiesced. Without a word exchanged between the two of you, you stood there as Risotto’s large hands roamed over your body, lathering your skin with care and attention. You let out a breathy “ah” when you felt his thumbs press into the muscles of your back and shoulders, massaging them carefully. You could feel your muscles relaxing with the firm yet gentle motions, letting yourself go slack under his touch as he worked out the knots that had formed while you were hunched over your desk.

He didn’t go further than that, and set to rinsing the both of you off. The two of you shared the quietude of the bathroom, the spray of the shower on your bodies and the tile the only sound in the room.

Once Risotto deemed the both of you adequately clean, he shut off the water and gestured for you to step out. Just as you were about to towel off, you were interrupted again.

“Wait.”

You looked over your shoulder inquisitively. If your emotions weren’t so weirdly stopped up, you were sure you would have had some sort of confused look on your face. When Risotto stepped past you and over to the tub, you understood, letting out a realizing “ahh”.

“Are you sure?” you asked. You knew he didn’t always have time for something as indulgent or time-consuming as a bath; life kept him busy that way.

He returned your question with an immovable stare. “Yes.”

Though he had only uttered one word, even in your depression-hazed mind you knew he was vocalizing his choice to reassure you that he wanted this. Your heart fluttered with appreciation, and you had no more arguments.

When the bath was full enough you watched as Risotto added some bath oil to the water, the scent of lavender and sandalwood hitting your nose. Settling in, he looked up to you and wordlessly beckoned you to join him. Your steps were slow and hesitant, but soon you settled in the water and sat between his legs. A gentle hand took you and encouraged you to lean against him.

A few moments of silence passed. Now the room was entirely quiet, and the only sound was the occasional trickle of the showerhead or the stray drop or two of water from the tub’s faucet dripping into the water below, sending ripples through the tub.

Normally, you would be filling the silence or starting the conversation with any sort of pointless topic or line of discussion. At this moment though, your mind was a jumbled mess, words difficult to grasp as they seemed to fade in and out of focus, blocked up in your throat and stuck to your tongue.

Even then though, you knew that neither of you truly minded the silence, nor found it awkward or stifling. Risotto was never one to mind the quiet, and you had already fallen into a state of comfort where you could say nothing and simply be without it becoming awkward or anxiety-inducing.

You merely leaned against him more, sighing, the sound tired and empty. As if to soothe you, Risotto’s hands began roaming over your body, large, strong hands stroking you gently and reassuringly. You mumbled in response to let him know that you could feel what he was doing and enjoyed it. That was all he needed to understand what you meant, and he pressed a soft kiss to your wet hair.

His hands stopped at your hips, thumbs just rubbing your skin appreciatively and affectionately. You shivered at the sensation, letting out a low sigh. Your breath hitched when you felt his lips move from the top of your head to the side, kissing your temples tenderly. You were then hoisted up to sit on his lap, water crashing against the walls of the tub and filling the still and quiet room with sudden noise.

A small noise of confusion left your lips, and you gave him another questioning look. What you found was Risotto looking at you, black and red eyes so soft and tender, so full of affection that your heart quivered. His face had hardly changed from his default indifferent expression, yet you saw all of the subtle signs that were written all over his face, tiny details and landmarks only you understood from the emotional landscape you had come to know and love.

“Please let me take care of you.” His voice was as deep and rich as ever, yet there was a quality to it, like it was just a step below pleading to you. You nodded, finding yourself unable to launch into some stumbling tirade about how he didn’t need to or how you didn’t deserve it.

A shudder rolled down your spine as you felt one of his hands dip between your legs, his fingers delicately tracing around your mound. You hissed as the pad of his finger traced up your slit, teasing your lips. He drew circles along the flesh, making you twitch expectantly as he neared your clit yet pointedly avoided it.

Mercifully, he was only going to tease you just enough to heighten the experience for you. Soon, his fingers found purchase on your clit, and you let out a small, sharp whine at the sudden and much-desired friction. Your mind began to fog over as he slowly rubbed over your clit, stroking it lazily while his other hand worked its way up your body, out of the water and onto your breast.

You shivered at the sudden warmth on your cold chest, letting out a little gasp at the change of temperature. As his hand kneaded your breast, callused fingers playing with your nipples, more and more sounds were being coaxed from your lips as he rolled his thumb over your clit. Soon the relative silence of the bathroom was filled with noises, from Risotto’s soft, muted pants to your moans that were slowly but surely building in volume.

Your head was clouding over, and you felt as if you were sinking beneath the surface in a slow but pleasant descent. Between the heat of the bath, the steam, and the growing tension in your gut, you felt like you were lost in a fog – hot, humid, and all around you. You were sure your face was horribly red and flushed, heat practically consuming your features. Your head lolled slightly as your jaw slackened, surrendering yourself to the slow but steadily mounting pleasure, letting yourself get more and more lost. You barely registered the feeling of plush lips against your neck, kissing gently, over and over again.

“Ah!” You let out a sharp gasp of pain and lust as sharp teeth nipped at your skin, marking and bruising you. The pinpricks of pain momentarily forced your senses back to attention, and you were suddenly all too aware of the heat and tension building between your legs that was going to blow. Your pants grew desperate and hurried, wordless, meaningless whines escaping your throat as his fingers drew you closer to your end.

He gave your nipple a hard pinch and sped up his ministrations between your legs, and Risotto’s kisses took on a more fervent pace, littering the column of your neck with marks, as if he was dedicatedly trying to cover you in them.

You barely heard, much less consciously registered Risotto’s quiet pleads for you to cum, your eyes squeezing shut as euphoria coursed through your veins, shivering as the deep bass of his voice vibrated against your senses. The bolts of arousal that had been building came to a head as you finally went over the edge, shaking and spasming in Risotto’s strong, secure hold as you came with a cry, warm waves of ecstasy washing over you. He held you as you rode out your orgasm, kissing the side of your head sweetly as you came undone in his arms.

Your body lay limp against his as you came down from your high, practically melting into him as your head lolled to the side to rest against his chest. Your hair was now partially dried, now fixed in a weird arrangement, but you were far too dazed to care.

Your bleary eyes registered drops of moisture running down his chest, and only then did you notice the tears running down your face. A steady hand was raised to wipe them away.

“Sorry.” you managed to mumble out, tears continuing to roll down your cheek as you blinked. The hand on your face continued to wipe the tears away dutifully before it moved to your arm, squeezing you reassuringly.

“There’s nothing to be sorry for, darling.” Risotto asserted matter-of-factly. However, the hands on your arms removed themselves, and you found yourself trapped in a tight embrace as he held you close to him.

The sound of those comforting words in his voice that you loved so much stirred something in your heart. So badly did you want to believe in them, to dispel the curse born from you so you could be free. And yet you found yourself afraid, able to see the light in the distance, but your feet refused to move for fear of disappointment.

“I don’t want to make you baby me.” Your voice was so tiny and shaky that if it weren’t for the fact that you were forcing yourself to speak, you were sure the words would have died upon contact with the air. “I, I should be better than this. You already take care of a lot, and I don’t want to add to that. And anyways, I don’t…”

Your voice petered out, your vocal cords seeming to be unable or unwilling to produce the sound for those words.

I don’t deserve any of this. I don’t get to have this. Don’t waste your time on me.

A part of you refused to realize this thought and wanted to prevent it from taking form more than it already had. It was your last-ditch attempt at rebellion, the final semblance of defiance against your own mind. However, it was also because you were afraid of what would happen if you vocalized that wretched thought.

You wrapped yourself in silence, and a part of you hoped that if you shut your eyes and ears, you would finally disappear.

You felt the grip on you grow tighter, and a firm, steady voice behind you anchoring your soul here, refusing to let you go to that place.

“(Y/N).” You made a slight face. The sound of your own name sounded so strange to you. “It is a fool’s errand to think that you can take on everything by yourself when you are outmatched.”

Though the content of his words may have seemed scathing, the sting was dull, if not non-existent. You knew, and you were already well-aware of the fact; it’s just that your brain still told you otherwise, and no amount of cognitive, logical recognition of the fact seemed to dampen the belief enough.

He continued, the low rumble of his voice reverberating through you as you closed your eyes and listened. “I know you don’t do the things you do for me because you feel like you must. You should know that I feel the same way about you.”

And you did know. You knew that you lent your strength, not because of some lofty moral goal or desire to be some icon of righteousness, but because you just truly cared about the people you loved, and that you could find love in support and compassion. You were never just a benefactor but also a beneficiary in providing your support because those that loved you would respond in kind, sharing what they had with you.

“When you are by my side, please remember that I am by yours as well.”

You were tired, exhausted beyond comprehension, and the world still had countless ways to hurt and disappoint you. But he was right; you weren’t alone, and you never would be. That very fact preserved the light in your eyes and the fire in your heart.

No words were exchanged, and the room was silent once again, but from the way you tentatively sought his hand and squeezed it softly, Risotto knew you understood what he meant. He smiled and gripped your hand in turn, his fingers rearranging to lace with yours as he pressed another kiss to your head.

Even if he wasn’t much for promises in a world where nothing is guaranteed, Risotto figured the least he could do was offer you his loyalty, the most ironclad thing he had to give to you.

Though you were likely to have many more nights such as these, you knew you would find the strength to fight another day, again and again without fail. You would rise to your feet, knowing that your strength was not only your own, and with the most reliable person in the world by your side.

In the quiet of the room, surrounded by his sublime warmth, you let the reminder that you were loved and cared for seep into you, permeating your flesh and bones and settling deep into your chest.

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herondaleholly31 · 5 years ago

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Love On The Weekend Chris Evans X Reader

overview: Whenever you can you and Chris spend a weekend together just the two of you. This weekend is different.

A/N Hey guys!! I’m currently in the middle of exams but I wanted to start writing some of the requests that was sent to me after my last post. Thank you so much for all your kind messages and follows after that post, it really means so much to me. I’m working through the list so I will try and upload as much as I can I promise. I hope you enjoy this one, make sure to keep sending me any requests!

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word count: 3,738

4:55. Five more minutes to go. You were impatient, and having already cleaned your desk three times in the past hour you were checking your emails one last time before you clocked out. Delete, delete, asos discount code saved, the rest thrown in spam. That’s it. All done. Only three more minutes.

“Y/N!”

Jack entered your office without knocking, an ominous stack of papers under his arm. “you’re still here, great. I need you to sort these files out before you go.” The stack fell with a thud onto your desk.

“I can’t,” you shook your head “I’m just about to head out.”

“Oh I’ve also put you on call duty this weekend,” Jack ignored you “so any plans you have cancel them.”

Your spine chilled “I can’t do this weekend. I cant I-“ you shook your head to try and stop your rising panic “I have to have this weekend off.”

“Tough luck. You’re going to want to keep you phone charged, I get a lot of emails.”

“No Jack-“

“Is there a problem?” He scowled.

The clock had struck five, he was going to be there any minute. “I can’t reschedule this plan my boyfriend’s job-“

“sweetheart can I be frank? I don’t give a shit,’ your bosses patient demeanour had gone and his normal irritation came through “I’ve got a golf game tomorrow and you were the last person to ask for time off. So you’re on this weekend.” He slammed his hand on top of the stack of papers and then turned to leave when suddenly a deafening sound came from outside. Shocked, Jack smacked his arm onto your computer, causing him to swear colourfully “WHAT IS THAT?” But you had already rushed to the window, your smile widening.

“He’s here.”

“WHO?”

You weren’t listening, grabbing your bag and throwing your coat over your arm “I’m going.”

“Is that for you?”

“Yes.” You turned once more, determination overruling your fear “Have a nice weekend Jack.” And with that, you flicked off the light switch and walked out the office. The honk was ringing down the corridor as you took the stairs two at a time before bursting out the door. A black range rover was sat in the middle of the carpark, and leaning against the bonnet was your boyfriend Chris. His eyes were covered with sunglasses but you knew his eye brows were raised in a teasing expression as he watched you stride over “are you always that dramatic when leaving work?”

“Only when my boss is being a dick.’ You reached him and cocked your head back so you could kiss him, both smiling against each other as the realisation that this moment had finally happened washed over. “Hi.”

“Hi,” Chris rested his forehead against yours and you breathed deeply, feeling the anger ebb away. “I missed you,” he whispered.

“I missed you too. I couldn’t get out of that place fast enough.”

‘I saw” Chris laughed. He pulled away to open the door next to him to reveal leather seats and your battered rucksack, bulging at the seams. “I packed everything on the list.”

“including the-“

“including my grey jumper for you to wear in the car.”

“thank youuuu,” clambering up into the seat you started to get changed, tights getting ripped and pony tails being loosened. Chris’s jumper had been washed one too many times, the fluffy interior bobbled and stretched to fit his physique; however you always wore it on these trips and had therefore become a running joke. “Where to this time?” You asked, popping your head over the collar to look over at Chris who was fiddling about with the Keys. He slid them in and a second later the car roared and shot out of the car park, the revs barking through the quiet. He didn’t answer until you had made it onto the highway.

“I’m going to keep it a surprise this time.”

“ooooo” you perked up “we haven’t done that for a while. Do I get a clue?”

“nope.”

“pleaseeeeee.”

Chris shook his head chuckling “you’ll like it I promise.” Still determined to know you sat up on your knees, leaning over the gear stick to kiss his cheek “not one hint?”

“No!” Chris laughed. You continued to ask, peppering the half of his face and neck with jokey kisses until his death went slightly ragged. “you’re going to make me crash.” He didn’t move away though, enjoying the way you bumped your nose against his cheekbone as the car steamed ahead. The car flew like a the air of you were on the run, Chris only realising when cramp started to form in his ankle from the clenching. You were so present to him in that moment his mind seems to have fogged over. Luckily You only kissed him a couple more times before sitting back, defeated. He was able to calm his pulse once again. “fine” You rolled your eyes teasingly “I guess I’ll trust you. Give me the aux cord.” You propped your bare feet up onto the dash board and plugged it into your phone and scrolled down until you found the playlist: Love on the weekend.

The weekend was something you and Chris had done for a long as you’d been dating. Although you lived in Boston near his family and spent stints in LA, work and business sometimes kept the pair of you apart for weeks if not months at a time. This had been difficult, until on a whim Chris had done what he would come to do every time; text you the night before that he was picking you up and that you two were going away together. That first time he’d taken you to a beach house where you’d spent the weekend getting a suntan and much needed alone time. That had been nearly two years ago and since the pair of you had taken trips all over the country, with nothing but a car and essentials. They had become your favourite tradition together.

The first song of the playlist started and Chris nodded his head in satisfaction “yessss!’ He pumped his foot on the gas and the car shot down the fast lane, leaving the traffic behind. The music swelled until the rough voice of Journey’s “Don’t stop believing” was blasting through the speakers, matched only by Chris’ rendition. He was tossing his head about and giving it his all, making you laugh so hard you felt the breath pound against your throat and your chest started to tense. The tipping point was when on the final high note your boyfriend’s voice cracked dramatically, to which you had to dig your hands in-between your clenched thighs to stop you from peeing. God it was so good to laugh like this again.

The speakers continued to blast out classics, raging from Kanye West to Disney to Prince until both your voices were frayed and your chests ached from laughing. At one point there was no sound from either of you except for wheezing and knee slapping. You were like children, bubbling with energy and excitement as the feeling of each other there made you giddy.

“We’re nearly there,” Chris was able to heave out later, breathing deliberately to even out his chuckles “keep an eye out for the right exit.”

“exit for what?”

“I’m still not telling you.”

“How am I going to know what the right exit is if I don’t know where we’re going?”

“Hey I gave you a name just trust me.” He reached out and patted your knee, before slowly moving his hand up to rest on your thigh. There was nothing suggestive about it, but you felt your body melt under his touch as he continued to drive. He hummed to the dulcet tones of John Mayer and would occasionally have to shift in his seat but he made sure to keep your thigh at arms length. His palm stayed soft and warm against you as the car pulled off the highway and drove down strips of long roads under golden sun stained foliage. One rumbling dirt track later and the car rolled into an opening, where it stopped and slumped, exhausted. Chris breathed, smiled, and squeezed your leg “we’re here.”

The house sat snuggled in the trees, overlooking a lake that shone brightly. White walls, blue tiles roof, a rickety dock that rocked slightly against the wind. It looked exactly the same as it did in the pictures that were hung around the Evan’s family home. You gasped in excitement “This is the place-“

“From my childhood pictures,” Chris nodded.

“The place you said you’d always take me,” you placed your hand on top of his “I can’t believe you did this.” In your excitement you leant over the gear stick and grabbed Chris’s face In between your hands “Thank you thank you Thank you!” You planted one big kiss on his lips causing him to laugh loudly before leaping out the car, your bare feet lacing with the grass. The pair of you grabbed the bags from the car and dragged them up into the house, abandoning them in the hall way to explore your home for the weekend. An open floor plan of polished wooden floors, white furniture and blue wallpaper stretched through the house, with soft corduroy sofas and shelves of thumbed classic books and board games. It was a weird mix of modern and old; as if time didn’t effect it. You were running around the house, calling for Chris to see something before discovering something else and getting even more excited. When Chris still hadn’t come after the fifth time you called you went clattering down the stairs to find him in the kitchen, already pulling things out of the stocked fridge “pesto eggs?” He asked.

“MMMM YES!” You yelled in excitement. “Sorry,” you quietened “sorry. Yes please.”

“I take it you like the house then?’ “Is this the part of the story where you tell me you’ve bought it?” You slid onto one of the stools by the island, nicking a bit of red pepper from the chopping board.

“ Unfortunately not.”

“shame. I would’ve quit work on the spot to move.”

“It’s that stressful huh?”

“You have no idea.”

Chris stopped stirring “so tell me about it.”

You shook your head, running your hands through your hair once before letting them fall on the table “I don’t want to weigh you down with that. You don’t wanna hear about that.”

“Yes I do,” Chris said “its obviously bothering you.”

“Not tonight Chris. Please.” You didn’t want to think about anything negative this weekend. Not with the limited time you had with him. ��your eggs are burning by the way.”

“Huh? Oh Shit,” Chris went back to wildly stirring the contents of his pan, and the conversation was dropped.

************

The next couple days felt like the montage to a rom com movie, a warped bubble where negative thoughts and emotions weren’t allowed to penetrate. There was a lot to Catch up with so the pair of you didn’t waste a single minute. Swimming in the lake, running together through the woods, playing chess whilst drinking too much beer. A lot of random hugs and heated make outs that lead to other things that caused your skin to flush and tingle. This was partly due to Your shoulders getting burnt, resulting with Chris finding great pleasure in occasionally smacking the sensitive skin causing you to scream blue murder whilst chasing after him.

‘I still think I’ll have a hand imprint on my shoulder forever,” you joked. It was the last night and you were cooking whilst Chris picked the movie. He was crouched by the shelfs, his recently showered hair peering his grey t shirt with droplets. “What movie we thinking?” He called.

“hmmmm How about Captain America?”

“Funny.” Chris rolled his eyes. You laughed before diving down to retrieve the steaming dish of Chicken and vegetable pasta from the oven and dishing into bowls.

“Babe! You’ll never guess what movie they have.” Chris lifted the DVD case like a trophy, the title in your direction. You read it and gasped excitedly “About Time? Oh my days yes!”

“You’re gonna cry.”

“I am not.”

“You say that every time.”

“well this time I can definitely say that I will not cry!”

*************

“It’s just” you stuttered, “it just so…so” you had to gulp loudly through the raked sobs “so sad!” Bill Nighy and the little boy started skimming stones on the beach, causing you to whimper loudly, more tears streaming down your flushed cheeks.

“I told you you would cry,” Chris said, but his own eyes were watery and his jaw clenched in emotion. Seeing this made you even more upset and you started to grip onto the pillow, holding your breath so to stop the sobs. It didn’t work. Chris couldn’t stand it anymore; part of him obviously wanted to comfort you but also your turmoil was starting to become comical. “sweetheart,” he laughed “come here.” He dragged you over to sit in between his legs, your back against his chest so he could try and stop you from crying. ‘I’m fine, I’m fine,” you breathed “I’m not going to-oh my god they’re hugging.” The crying was uncontrollable now “This is the last hug they’re ever going to have together.”

“Okay you need to tell me whats wrong now,” Chris’ tone shifted to worry. He’d never seen you this upset over this movie before “hey, hey. Talk to me.”

“I don’t want you to leave me tomorrow.”

“what?”

“You’re going to leave tomorrow and I’ll be left with an apartment that is too big for just one person, a job I hate and the constant reminder that these weekends are the only things that I actually enjoy in life.”

The movie continued to play but Chris wasn’t watching anymore. Instead he sat there, struggling to find the right words to say. He didn’t want to ask, you’d specifically told him not to ask this weekend, the itch of knowing was starting to burn in his brain. “What’s wrong with work?”

You huffed, flinging your head back to knock against his shoulder “I hate it Chris. I used to love working there, but I just can’t do it anymore. The last time I had a weekend off was our last weekend 3 months ago.”

“why?”

“Because Jack makes me work so he can piss about golfing and spend the weekends screwing his assistant. I see the texts,” you nodded as Chris’s eyebrows shot up in surprise “they’re just as awful as you can imagine.”

“Why didn’t you tell me this?”

“about the affair? It’s not tha-“

“No. About work.”

“Oh.” You shrugged, wiping the back of your sleeve across your face “I didn’t want you to worry about me that’s all.” Feeling your boyfriend huff you felt yourself get defensive “you’re away for so long I didn’t want you to have to take off anymore time than you had to just because my career turned shit.”

‘That’s not fair,” Chris shook his head “I should’ve known.”

“Why? What would’ve you done?’ You were sitting up now, frowning at him, arms crossed “Quit your work and moved back full time to Boston?’ “Maybe!”

“No you wouldn’t of!”

“But at least I would’ve had that option!” His eyes flashed with a mixture of pain and annoyance “Y/N how am I supposed to be there for you if you don’t tell me these things?”

“That’s not fair Chris.”

“NO,” he snapped “what’s not fair is finding out that you’re feeling like this and yet I was the last person to know!”

“If you were here more YOU’D KNOW!”

There was a horrible silence. Shocked, you put your fingers over your lips, as if trying to grab back the words that were still ringing through the room. You were both shocked; hurt plastered on both your faces. You wanted to take them back, to rewind time so you could start this conversation again, to finish this weekend in a way that you will treasure and picture for the next weeks as you wait for him to come home to you. “I’m sorry.” You finally spoke “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it.”

Chris nodded slowly, and you noticed that his eyes were glistening with tears and you felt your brain screaming in fear and your heart be squished like a juice box “yea you did.”

“NO! No I didn’t.” You pulled him closer “I’m just upset about work, I’m taking it out on you.”

“But you do wish It don’t you?” Chris whispered.

“Of course I wish you were here more,” You nodded “but acting’s your dream. Of course I want you to be doing that.”

“Im so sorry Babe,” he pushed out a heavy sigh to stop the emotions from stunting his voice “I wish I knew how bad it was.”

“It’s not your fault You didn’t know. I wasn’t telling you.”

“I should’ve picked up on it. If I’d known I’d-“

“It’s not your fault Chris. I’m sorry for not telling you.”

Chris smiled softly. He wrapped his arms around your shoulders, locking his hands together so you were pressed against his shoulder. He kissed the top of your head, nodding slightly “This was not how I was thinking this conversation was going to go.”

You laughed, snorting slightly due to the snot that had built up from your previous sobs “me neither.”

“And I was looking forward to telling you about my plans for after the movie.”

You felt your heart sink slightly. These conversations were always awfully painful. “Did your agent get another script for you?”

“Actually no. He won’t be getting me any for a while.”

“What?’ You looked up at him, confused “why?”

“because I told him I didn’t want any. Because I’m taking a little break.”

‘Chris? Please say you didn’t do that because of me!”

“only partly,” Chris smiled guiltily “I just miss Boston. I miss my parents, My nieces and nephews, You. I just want to spend some time here. Spending time with my family.”

The tears were falling again, only this time they were ones of happiness “you serious? You’re coming home?”

Chris nodded, savouring this moment for as long as he could. “5 more weeks and then I’m yours.”

******************

The Boston skyline had never looked so unwelcoming. Despite the sunrise bathing the windows with molten pink and blue reflections, they were a reminder that you were back in reality. You’d left the house early that morning with the remise you’d return in the summer with the whole family. It had still been difficult to say goodbye. The entire drive back you and Chris only spoke a few times, both too nervous of what to say in these last moment. Chris’s hand was back on your thigh, but this time your hand was intertwined with his, your only lifeline from breaking down into uncontrollable tears once more. Although this was the last goodbye you’d have to say for a long time, this one felt the most difficult because of the reality of what they were going back to. The buildings of the city grew thicker and thicker as you drove down main streets and over bridges until all too soon the looming signs floor your office building started to come, and then the ruling for the carpark, and in no time at all Chris was pulling into one of the visitors spots and switching off the engine. “we’re here.”

“yea.” A silence. “ Thanks for dropping me off by the way.”

“Yea of course.” Chris swallowed. Neither of you moved. No one made the move to say goodbye. But you knew it was going to happen, and your grip on his hand got tighter as you realised that now was the moment to let go.

In the end it was him. It left you feeling empty, like you’d dropped something into water and you knew that you were never going to get it back, and that’s when the tears started to fall again. In a moment Chris jumped out of the car and ran over to your side of the car, opening your door so he was able to scoop you into a hug. “ I know,” he whispered as you clung to him “ I know.”

“i don’t know if I can do this Chris,” you sniffed into his neck.

“Yes you can. You can sweetheart. Remember what we said.” He kissed your ear lightly “Just five more weeks. Five more weeks and the I’m home, you can quit your job here and we’ll figure something out together okay? Okay?” His tone made you move your gaze so you were looking at his wide eyed expression, full of promise and reassurance “We’ll figure this out together.”

“Five weeks.”

“five weeks and then I’m yours.”

You nodded, sniffing “Okay,” You breathed “Okay I’ll do it.”

“You can do it.” He kissed you then, and his lips tasted of salt but they were familiar and warm and his, and you already missed him so much five weeks suddenly felt like a lifetime.

“I am,” he rested his head against yours once more “so proud of you. I really am.”

You nodded. You kissed him as long as your lungs could muster and this time you let go, flattening your skirt and slipping on your heels as Chris grabbed your bags from the boot and handing them to you. He kissed you once more, told you he loved you and then walked back around to sit in the car. You walked around to his door and leaned in through the open window to kiss him again.

“I can’t watch you walk away,” he confessed “because if I do all I’ll want to do is stay.”

You nodded “That’s fine. I’ll see you in five weeks.”

‘Five weeks.”

“I love you Chris.”

One more kiss, and then he pushed the car into gear and pulled away, leaving you to wave goodbye to him. As he did, the windows rolled down, and a second later you heard the opening chords to “Love on the weekend” play. He didn’t look back, but you knew that he too was already counting down the days until the next time you two could see each other.

#chris #Chris Evans #chris evans imagine #chris evans x reader #chris evans x you #evans #chris evans x #Steve Rogers #steve x reader #captain america #captain #marvel #fanfiction #reader #imagine #fanfic #cute #fluff

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bizarropurugly · 4 years ago

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I feel bad for writing porn so much that it’s killed my writing spirit because it’s hard to share porn

and I don’t mean in the “nobody reblogs my stuff weh” kind of way but in the fact my audience is very limited

like my grandma likes my writing and she doesn’t care I write porn but I also can’t fucking show my grandma PORN

and I’ve already had some prudish ass try to report me on dA despite following the rules just for submitting to their group even though I’ve submitted my smut before and I’ve seen people get pissy about “how dare you be public about sexual stuff when SOMEONE COULD SEE IT WHO DOESN”T WANNA!” so I know people are judgemental and with my history and general nervousness that doesn’t help

and yes of course I want to write developmental stuff for zed and candler!! happy and sad. I have ideas I really do it’s just also

I feel so exhausted and mushy all the time to do anything and when I DO finally want to do something it always turns to the porn. maybe because most of my ideas are for the darker parts of their lives and I just want to write about having a love life and all the romantic things of learning a person, just be happy and such

I thought listening to articles for my sex ed blog would help, instead of reading, but now I don’t want to listen either anymore. I think I’m overloading.

I’m fighting the “seasonal” urge to close the blog just because of all the energy it wipes from me. I feel guilty about that because of the people it helps and because I think this is my passion, it’s something I get heated and animated about according to people I speak to, but at the same time a part of me just feels too morose and weak to do it anymore.

I’m 30 years old now, and I think I’ve long given up my dream of being a sex ed teacher or sexologist. I’m just not cut out for. living. for having a life that isn’t miserable and pathetic. Everyone saw it coming a mile away. From the kids who shunned me in the elementary school advanced placement club on, it was just Known and I was the only one who didn’t get it. I never belonged there and that’s why nobody came running when I crashed and burned in high school and inevitably never finished college. They knew that was going to happen.

I’m too ashamed to make friends or partners. Too ashamed of my appearance, my lack of accomplishments, my home, what I do day to day.

I cried over an article about trans for trans love the other day, that interviewed several trans couples, because I know I can’t get that or do anything they’re doing. I almost find myself feeling resentful of my cats because if they weren’t here then I wouldn’t be forced to keep trying; to keep putting money in my pocket, food in the fridge, and to clean what I can.

A part of me yearns for socialization but I’m shutting down and isolating from everyone constantly. deviantART inbox is piling up. So is the sex ed blog’s inbox. And my messages on here. And haven’t really made any posts honestly... In the only discord chat I’m active in I feel a frequent panic that I’m talking too much and everyone is waiting for me to shut up, so I monitor my speaking like a chronic dieter monitors calories. And when people contact me individually, I freeze up like a deer in the headlights.

I drag my feet to therapy and doctor sessions because not only do I feel like what’s the point anymore because I’ll always be in pain and never be able to allow myself forgiveness or love or acceptance or positivity to where almost the very notion of giving myself any sort of inch makes me want to hurt myself, but also all I ever want to do is sit at home and do nothing, literally. But if I sleep erratically or too much or too little I’m plagued by nightmares, repeating events from my past and ghosts of the people I knew, tones rapidly shifting to where I’m like Homura in PMMM Rebellion where I’m the only one who knows something is Fucked, or to where everyone’s speaking about me behind my back and mounting attacks from the shadows, demanding I choose between friends, kicking me from spaces, drowning me. So even lying in bed isn’t an option, because what if I sleep?

I don’t want to stay at others’ homes anymore because I scream and cry so much in my sleep it’s mortifying.

And nobody gets it. And I don’t think they can or I don’t want them to, because that plays into the part of “you’re being too nice to yourself when you know you’re a bad person and don’t deserve it, if people feel bad or empathize you’ve just tricked them into thinking you’ve changed and you haven’t, so shut the fuck up and don’t cry around people”, and also I’m sure the few people I confide in are very, very tired of hearing about it by now.

I scream into the tumblr void because it is a void. Here’s my open diary people won’t read or will instantly forget because of scrolling. It’s in one way relieving because I can vent out, but as I mentioned before it’s also frustrating because despite the things I say I will have people I’ve known say “wow I didn’t know!” to something I’ve said a million times before and that could easily be found--

I don’t know. I guess I don’t know anymore. I’m caught between the dread of having to live decades more like being dragged barenaked across pavement, and the phobia I have of death. I hate existing and being alive but I’m terrified of what happens when it’s over, of not knowing or more specifically that it’s literally all over and I don’t know what it will feel like for the world to literally end like that.

I can’t even cry much about it because I don’t have time. Have to get up for work or get things together or do something else always. Don’t have time to wail and sob and then sniffle and unplug my nose for g-d knows how long. Don’t have time to recover from the nightmare that had me hurt myself and lose my voice. Don’t have time to try and “relax” in some way.

Only got time for guilt and anxiety and trauma and isolation and forcing myself to go until I’m sick and argue in my head with myself about myself and how I feel and what I remember and what a fucking useless disgusting piece of shit I am that people can’t wait for me to off myself at last for.

lmao wow this went off the rails

#negative -#suicide m -#that's a text post

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daphuu · 4 years ago

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hey are you doing okay? you dont have tags on the last posts youve reblogged and i worry for you 🥺🥺💕💕

Hi, anon! I’m sorry I haven’t been tagging or rambling (or interacting) as much lately.

You may have noticed there were a few days recently where I didn’t reblog much of anything. I had this pretty damaging incident recently to deal with. I didn’t deal with it at all and instead made some poor decisions that left me pretty incapacitated for a bit, and I’m only really now regaining the energy to be up and about.

For a little while the most I could do was scroll around aimlessly and reblog a few things in short bursts of energy since I was bored and alone and isolated. I’m better now (I’ve been home for a few days now!) and I’ve been visited by friends a lot today and yesterday, which was quite nice. I’ve even been doing some painting lately, which was cathartic in a way I had nearly forgotten. (My dad has been taking good care of me!!)

I’ll be fine, anon. I’ll heal, and I’ll be better eventually. I’m sorry for worrying you. Thank you for your concern and for taking notice enough of little old me and my habits to notice something was different. You’ve made my day so much better already just by asking. <33

((I’m willing to talk about this more, but I’ve been pretty vague here because I don’t want to upset anyone. Also, if I’ve mistagged this or tagged this inappropriately, then please tell me. I don’t normally make sensitive posts like this. Yes, I’m making a lot of decisions right now to ensure my continued safety and security and support. Please don’t stress or worry about me! I’m not fine, but I’m working on being okay, and I have a good support system in place.))

I will be okay <3

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annakie · 5 years ago

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Notes on a Blog Cleanup (& some other stuff) Part 4

Made it all the way back to to page 1000.

Started with 3021 pages. Currently have 2954 pages, adding in posting 10 - 13 times a day for the last month... deleted somewhere around 87 pages of posts (or around 1300 total). I’m in April 2015. So it took two and a half years to do 50% of my posting here and nearly another year and a half to get that down to 2/3rds. It’ll just speed up from here.

Anyway, here’s a bunch of words about tumblr, fandom, and Doctor Who.

I’ve found myself deleting more news articles lately. There’s almost no cringe-y stuff left. If I go back and do this again it’ll be even more deleting current events stuff unlessI connected to it somehow.

A LOT of the content creation I ever did happened in this time. I did so much giffing for Who’s Line, a lot of video game stuff, especially Mass Effect, cause you know, it’s me, and a lot of edits and such. Some way better quality than others. I was also getting thousands of notifications a day from the few things I did that were really popular back then (still sometimes get notes on that Whose Line/Elmo/Game of Thrones gifset to this day).

I know I’m not like, the best at gifs and edits, but hey, I think some of it is like, pretty good? There’s a few things I’m a little sad about that just never took off, but I bet all people who try and post OC on Tumblr feel that way about some of their stuff. A few things I made did surprisingly well, though.

I still will make the odd gif/photoset there that’s more than just “here’s some nice screenshots I took slightly edited” but honestly, I feel like these days it’s so hard to get many notes on tumblr at all? Like there’s just so fewer people making stuff, and even less reblogging gifsets/photosets? Idk, maybe it’s something more specific to my overall followers and who you all follow? But I made a joking post a couple of days ago about my dash feeling weird because not everything is specifically tailored to me after scrolling through my blog, but on the OTHER hand, I also feel like, overall Tumblr has become just yet another place to post memes and text posts and has the big problem of the Reddit/Twitter/Tumblr/Instagram (+TickTock) circle where each place is like 50% screenshots/reposts of content the others? This obviously isn’t a criticism of any actual people, but just... what tumblr has become the last year or two? Is it just me? Like you can find some gifsets and such with a couple thousand notes here and there but... just not as much is being produced now? Does that make sense?

Like a month or two ago I spent a couple of hours specifically looking for good general fandom blogs specific to several fandoms I’m in and... it’s hard to even find those blogs anymore. Like, “fuckyeah” type blogs that are someone’s sideblog about a specific topic. And hey, believe me, I’ve created and abandoned several of these kinds of blogs on my time here (and at least one I’d keep up with but.. it just doesn’t have any content being generated for it so it’s just... sparse) so I get it. Maybe I’m just not looking in the right places, I don’t know.

I keep wondering how much longer I’m going to keep doing this little project, and then every 10 or pages I come across a post I didn’t tag properly that’s now been found, or something I just really wanna get off my blog and I’m like “Welp, when I stop finding these, I’ll stop looking. So maybe in like, 2018. :p LIterally finding posts I forgot I ever made in the first place and like has made it worth it.

Notes on TAH Fandom

This was also the phase of being heavily heavily like SO heavily into The Thrilling Adventure Hour. And I have a lot of thoughts on that, too.

Literally, one of the best decisions of my life, tbh. Not every moment of being like a SuperFan of this thing was sunshine and roses, but most of them really were. Honestly, I made such good friends. I had some extraordinary experiences, doing things that I wouldn’t have otherwise done, for sure. I traveled to Seattle, Chicago, New York twice, and LA three times, hanging out with new friends, and getting to know the cast of a thing I loved so much, and also somehow getting to be known by them as well. There were things that happened that I didn’t blog about here because I never wanted to come off as braggy, or just to keep a confidence. There were a few not-as-great things that happened during that time, but basically, 2014 through mid-November 2015 will likely go down as one of the best time periods of my life, for a lot of reasons, but a good chunk of that was the experiences I had through TAH.

Hoo boy though, I blogged about it a LOT. Like, it felt like almost as much as early blog was about Doctor Who. I was, uh, real enthusiastic and am now kinda regretful about some of those early fandom tags. Also turns out some of the TAH people looked at my blog more than I knew, I think, so a little yikes there thinking back on it now. But also I was kind and helpful a lot, so all of that was good.

This is a good recap post of all of the awesome stuff. And even that glosses over a lot of the really cool stuff, or skirts around some of it, just to try and stay brief about it.

One of the big things I learned from that experience was that being a very involved person in a fandom is such a double-edged sword. For one thing, it honestly became somewhat of a second job for me, which I 100% put upon myself. But running FYTAH (with Shannon!) and admining/writing a large percentage of the TAH Wiki (with Ange!), working in the booths at conventions (with Jena + Shannon/Kitty/Jamie/Dani) and being available to help in a variety of other ways was A Lot. Which again, I took on willingly. And Ange warned me about it several times but I was like “No I want to do this.” So then it also kind of turned into like a customer service job even outside of working at the cons. After awhile you gotta smile and be nice allllll the time. I ended up taking a lot of things offline to a small subset of friends. And most of that came from other fans, not from the show itself (except like, feeling like I couldn’t show my true disappointment when the show was ending, or feeling like I couldn’t air any criticisms I had about the show except in very private conversations.)

At one point I was having an email conversation with a couple of those friends and realized that, for the first time in my life, I was like a “popular kid”, which was weird. And I tried my damnedest to be as welcoming and inclusive and not to let anyone feel left out. But also there’s a point where like, you can only take on so much, and you can only be actual friends with so many people? You can be kind and welcoming and enthusiastic and all, but you only have so much time and energy to give away. There were so many messages I never answered still sitting in my / the FYTAH inbox or in email and some on twitter because I just didn’t have the bandwidth to give away sometimes. It was a weird lesson to learn because I knew it so well in general in my personal life, but had never had to apply it... in this way before? Does that sound weird? Or braggy? I feel like I’m walking on land mines with this one.

For a more specific example of what I mean, in March, 2015 ten of us rented a house and lived in it for a long weekend for the TAH 10th anniversary show + a fun getaway vacation. Everyone invited was someone I knew or were close with someone else in the group. A few more people had been invited but couldn’t afford it, so word got around a little bit. And it was AMAZING. But I later heard that there were a few people, most of whom I didn’t really know, were hurt that they weren’t invited. Jena and I spent dozens of hours and put a lot of financial risk into being the custodians of the trip for even the ten of us, and it was a huge undertaking. It was never meant to be a thing for the entire fandom, just a group of people who were already friends. But there was still a small kerfluffle from a few people about it. Which, I TOTALLY get feeling bad about being left out but... it was always supposed to be a relatively small thing, never any kind of “Official Fandom Get Together”. And we definitely didn’t have the time/money/ability to host an “open call for anyone to come” type thing. Just coordinating 10 people (and about 25 - 30 overall getting together to hang out at designated times over the weekend) was... more than enough.

At one point sometime later people started suggesting that we organize and hold an actual TAH-Con and I... let that one pass me by without really talking about it. It was definitely too much, and even then I knew it. And I mean, the shadow of Dashcon was still hanging over all fandoms heavily in those days. I wasn’t about to become the next Dashcon. It never got past a few emails being passed around.

So yeah, to be honest, if I could go back and do those years again, I absolutely would, it was like 95% awesomeness. But I think in regards to some of the fandom-specific things, I’d be a little less of a doormat, and I’d be a little more careful about spreading myself too thin.

So now that the show is “back”, I am enjoying listening to it, and I’ll reblog some things or post big news on FYTAH, but I’ve been lazy about even helping out with the wiki (I keep meaning to get back to it, Ange is still doing great) because... although I’m still a HUGE fan, I also am gonna be more laid back about it now.

I also haven’t REALLY loved a thing in the same way since TAH. The closest there has been is Critical Role, and I’ve been real careful to stay out of any actual fandom stuff there. I really love the thing, but I’m gonna keep with my group of 5 or 6 other fans I already know (all from other fandoms) who love the thing too, and stay out of wider discussions. With some of the stuff happening there lately, it was a good decision.

Wow, that was a lot of words. Sorry.

Hey one last thing to catch up on.

Doctor Who Rewatch 2019!

I’m now already at 6x01, into the Silence episodes.

So I did finally rewatch the Desert Bus episode that I hated so much before and like... this time... it was fine? Cheesy and all, but not so bad that I should have hated it as much as I did? Also noticed the Doctor doing the classic “gonna hit on this girl really hard in the beginning then drop her so quick at the end” thing to the companion of the week. Ah, Ten. The most bi-polar of all Doctors. I’m gonna be honest, I decided to skip on through Waters of Mars because I realized I was just ready to be done with Ten at that point. I’ll probably go back to it at some point but I wasn’t ready for another Ten Temper Tantrum, maybe the worst one of all, in that episode.

So I finished Ten (and oh man that whole two-parter to end Ten with... like the whole Master plotline is such a stinker. The first half, in particular, is so bad, the only really good scene is the one in the cafe with Wilf. The rest of it... wow. Wasn’t that whole thing written like the week before filming and never really edited or something? IDK.) The last half hour or so is really good though, with Ten’s sacrifice (after a tantrum) and then all the companion goodbyes (except Joan Redfern’s granddaughter, bleh).

But yay, on to Eleven and Amy and Rory and more River!

Season Five is... wow it starts off strong and really stalls there in the middle for a bit. Picks back up a bit with Rory returning, then somehow has two great episodes without Rory and ends strong, though the first pretty nonsensical Moffat-era “this doesn’t make sense but it looks and sounds so good you don’t care, right?” season arc and ending. Season six, I’m already remembering, is way, way worse for that. But anyway. Rory remains my second favorite companion ever. And episodes with Amy, Rory and River continue to be my favorites. Also? Matt Smith is so good.

But even early on in season six I’m remembering how really dumb the overarching plotline is... Moffat is great at “Oh man this will be cool so I’m gonna throw it in there! (and it really is some very cool stuff!) and hope it all makes sense later! Or just don’t think about it too hard!”

Honestly though, despite all the quibbles, most of the episodes work on an individual level if you don’t think about the the overall arc Moffat is trying to do. Even those that are a bit sloggy, like the Cold Blood/Hungry Earth two-parter, have enough great moments to justify watching them. (Ambrose is still maybe one of the worst “regular people” characters to ever be on this show, though.) There’s still no “Fear Her”. And that’s pretty good.

Also? The blog itself is now about as Doctor Who oriented as it is in the last year. Like... oh the season is airing? There’s a lot more good stuff to reblog, I’ll reblog good stuff. Season not airing, a scattered post here and there. It’s a much better place to be.

After Amy and Rory leave, that was about the end of my true like “Doctor Who Obsession” phase. On my Blog we’re in the break between Amy and Rory leaving and Clara showing up. I never really clicked with Clara, I think like a lot of people. Like I really liked the season with Danny, but after that season I never really rewatched episodes, so I’m looking forward to getting there and experiencing some stuff again for the second time.

#personal post tag thingy #notes on a blog cleanup

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frauleinsmaria · 6 years ago

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The Facebook Flub (2/3)

Summary: When Emma accidentally sends a friend request to the wrong person, she doesn’t expect much to come of it. But maybe this accident is the best decision she’s ever made.

Rated: Maybe high T if we’re really being technical?? Nothing explicit

Part 1: Tumblr | AO3

Part 2: AO3

A/N: Massive thank you to everyone for all the love for this story so far. I was really nervous about posting it there for a while, so the likes, reblogs, kudos, comments, etc. have meant the world to me. Thanks again @thejollyroger-writer, @wellhellotragic , and @profdanglaisstuff for all your help and for leaving questionable comments on the Google Doc to entertain me.

“What do you mean, love?” Killian’s eyes widened. She could make out a bit of a flush on his cheeks, and was that a glint in his eye too? Or was she just seeing what she wanted to?

Emma’s pulse raced. There was an uneasy feeling in the pit of her stomach that she refused to call butterflies. Maybe the conversation she’d had in mind wasn’t a great idea after all. “Shouldn’t you have checked into your hotel by now? It’s getting late.” It was barely four.

“Oh.” He averted his gaze, and whatever she thought she might have seen there was now gone. She had caught him off guard. Seeing a glint in his eyes was probably just her imagination, but regardless, the idea that she may have disappointed him stung. “I suppose you’re right. Bloody hell, I don’t even remember where it is I’m supposed to go.”

“I can drive you.” Emma stood and nodded her head in the direction of the lot she’d parked in earlier. “Just put the address in my phone. We should be able to find it easily.”

She was right. His hotel was a short drive, a relief since she was unsure how much time she could spend alone in the car with him without blurting out something else stupid.

“If you want, you can go ahead and check in while I get your bag out of the trunk,” she told him as they got out of the car.

“That’s alright, Swan. You don’t have to worry about it.”

“Really, it’s not a big deal.” It would buy her a few more minutes if had to say goodbye to him since she’d never got around to asking about his schedule while he was in the city. “Go ahead. I’ll be there in a minute.”

Emma took her time retrieving his bag, something that should have taken all of thirty seconds if not for her increasing paranoia. Was this the last time she would get to see him before he went back to London? The conversation she’d dodged earlier may never happen at the rate things were going.

When she entered the hotel lobby, Killian was at the front desk, in the middle of what was obviously a heated conversation with the receptionist. She took his bag to the side and waited to see what was going on.

After a few minutes, he stepped away from the desk and came over to where she was. There was a sour expression on his face, his mouth twisted to one side. “Everything okay?” she asked.

“Not exactly. Apparently, the hotel lost my bloody reservation.” He ran a hand over his face and groaned. “The receptionist said they would try to find another arrangement, but it doesn’t look promising. Do you know of any decent hotels in the area?”

She started to name a few that came to mind and then paused. “I have a semi-comfortable couch you’re more than willing to crash on. If you’d rather not, that’s fine,” she added, seeing the surprised look on his face. “Just thought I’d mention it if you didn’t want to go to the trouble of looking for something else.”

“That’s very kind of you, Swan, but I’d hate to impose. I’m going to be here until Friday afternoon.”

At least she had an answer to one question. “You wouldn’t be imposing. No maid service, unfortunately, but there’s Netflix and a few pints of Ben and Jerry’s in the freezer.” Thank goodness she’d stress cleaned the apartment that morning. She would have died a bit inside if he’d seen what it had looked like before.

Killian laughed. “Granny’s, the bakery, and now ice cream- you really want me to gain weight on this trip, don’t you? But if you’re sure it wouldn’t be too much trouble, I believe I’ll take you up on that offer.”

It was during the drive back to her apartment that Emma fully started to comprehend what she’d gotten into. Having Killian stay with her for the next two nights seemed to have two potential outcomes: she could either act on her feelings and resume the earlier conversation the first chance she got, or keep them to herself and take the risk of spontaneously combusting in the process. The logical part of her knew avoiding the subject would only make things worse and surprisingly the part of her that was afraid of being hurt again even felt willing to take the risk.

“Here we are,” she announced when they arrived, stepping in before Killian and giving the place a quick once over to make sure she hadn’t left anything weird laying around. “It’s clean by my standards, but I still feel like I should apologize for the mess knowing how picky you are.”

“I’m not picky. I simply have...odd preferences where my own flat is concerned.”

“Preferences like the handles on coffee mugs facing out at a perfect forty-five-degree angle in your cabinet?” She couldn’t remember what conversation had prompted Killian to share that with her, but she hadn’t passed up an opportunity to tease him about it since.

“Judge all you want, love, but I’m willing to bet I have a much easier time retrieving a mug in the morning than you do.”

Killian had a good point there. She usually just chucked hers in the cabinet and complained about them later. “Touche. But remind me not to let you get a look in my cabinets; you don’t need to have a heart attack before you’ve even hit thirty.” Something told her he didn’t need to see what the inside of her closet looked like either.

Not that there was a likely chance he’d be in her bedroom any time over the next two days. She refused to entertain the idea.

“You can leave your stuff in here by the couch if you want,” she said, leading him into the living room. “It’s not the nicest thing in the world, but it’s comfy. I’ve crashed there a handful of nights myself after a Netflix binge.”

“Did I have involvement in any of those?” She couldn’t help but notice the way his eyebrowed danced at that.

“Please, you had involvement in all of them, but not like that. Get your mind out of the gutter.”

Neither of them were hungry after the late lunch and the stop at the bakery, so Emma suggested another Netflix binge for the meantime. The jet lag was also starting to catch up with Killian. He disappeared into her bathroom while she turned on the TV and came out a few minutes later wearing an Iron Man t-shirt and a pair of grey sweatpants that fit him entirely too well. She was convinced she could make out the muscles in his legs through the thin fabric.

Not that she was staring.

Maybe she was.

It was a struggle to tear her eyes away from him as she took a seat on her preferred side of the couch.

“You can do the honors,” she said, handing him the TV remote when he sat down on the other side.

“Do you have any preferences?”

“Nah. As long as it’s funny, but everything we watch usually ticks that box.”

Killian scrolled through the lists of recent additions and what was currently popular. “Perhaps we could watch a movie instead for once. I’m assuming you’ve already seen Thor: Ragnarok?”

“Several times, but I’m always down for a rewatch.”

He flashed her a smile, and Emma had to remind herself to breathe. “I was hoping you’d say that. Ragnarok it is then.”

The next two hours were pure torture. Okay, maybe she was being a bit dramatic. She got to watch one of her favorite movies with arguably her favorite person- and in person too, something she had never thought would happen. But that was also the problem. Her feelings had been so much easier to ignore when they were out earlier and she had other things to distract her from saying something she might regret. Now, they were alone together in her apartment, with only a few feet of space on the couch between them, while Killian wore a seemingly harmless outfit that gave her anything but harmless thoughts.

And he would be staying tomorrow night too. It would be a miracle if she got through his visit in one piece.

“I can’t believe you’re not exhausted,” Emma told him when the end credits began to play. “It’s after midnight in London, and you haven’t yawned once.” Despite his usual insomnia, she would have still expected him to be somewhat tired between his earlier flight and the time change.

He shrugged. “I’m not full of energy by any means, but I wouldn’t say I’m quite ready to turn in either.”

“Are you hungry now? I’m kind of low on groceries until I get a chance to go to the store, but I think I’ve got a few bags of microwave popcorn. Unless you want the Ben and Jerry’s.”

Killian pursed his lips and considered the options. “Hmm. Something tells me the ice cream has more calories, and I’ve already eaten more than enough today.”

“Popcorn it is. You can pick out something else to watch while I make it.”

She returned from the kitchen a few minutes later with two bags of cooked popcorn, the opening sequence for Ant-Man and the Wasp paused on the TV screen. “I wouldn’t say it’s quite as humorous as Ragnarok, but you’re always saying how underrated these movies are, and I can’t remember what happens in the last half.”

“Sounds good.” Emma handed him one of the popcorn bags and plopped down beside him on the couch, propping her feet up on the coffee table as he pressed play.

It was about half an hour or so later when she’d finished her own popcorn and was working through what was left of his that she first noticed the considerable lack of space between them now. They were less than a foot apart; their thighs would be touching if one of them scooted over a bit toward the other. From this position, she could get a whiff of his cologne that she hadn’t noticed earlier. And his scruff looked particularly good in the dim light of her living room.

She swore to herself and fixed her eyes on the TV. Paul Rudd was not quite as enticing as the man sitting beside her, but he would have to do for the sake of her dignity.

Emma didn’t remember either of them falling asleep. But she woke up sometime later to a dark TV screen and her head on Killian’s chest. He was out cold. She could hear him snoring softly; he would be getting teased for that later.

Had she fallen asleep on him first? She would have had to. The TV would be back on the Netflix home screen unless Killian had turned it off himself. The thought of falling asleep on him didn’t concern her nearly as much as how much she liked it though. His arm was draped around her shoulders, feeling more like a welcome presence than the heavy weight she would have expected. The fabric of his t-shirt felt warm against her cheek, which rose and fell with every breath he took. It had been months if not years since she’d cuddled with another person (even if unintentional), and yet she was reluctant to slip out of his grasp. At this rate, with both of them on the couch, Killian would surely wake up with a crick in his neck, but if she got up, she might be able to maneuver him onto his back without waking him up.

It’s better this way, Emma told herself as the door to her bedroom clicked shut behind her. It would have been awkward for both of you if he’d woken up and seen you like that. You just have to make sure it doesn’t happen again.

(Despite how much she wanted it to.)

She woke up a few hours later to the sound of the shower running in the bathroom. A glance at the clock on her phone told her it was just after seven; entirely too early by her own standards, but she knew Killian’s first day of meetings would be starting soon. The idea of rolling over and going back to sleep was tempting, but she dragged herself out of bed and down the hall to the kitchen. Their options for breakfast were limited, but she could at least make them toast and coffee if nothing else.

The coffee pot had just started to brew when Killian entered the kitchen, wearing a navy button-down shirt and grey slacks. The fact that he looked so good in plain colors was almost unfair. “Good morning, Swan.”

“Morning. Sleep well?”

“Aye. I suppose I was more knackered than I’d thought.”

Her stomach dropped when she remembered the way she’d woken up and found them. “That’s good. That you slept well, I mean.”

But if he had any feelings about their brief sleeping arrangement (if he even remembered), he made no effort to mention it. “Anything I can assist you with?”

“There’s some bread in the bottom drawer of the fridge if you wanna put a few pieces in the toaster,” she said, nodding toward where it sat on the counter. “I’ll try to stop by the store on my way home from work to make sure we have something decent for dinner.”

“You don’t have to do that on my account, love. It’s not as if you knew you were going to have company for the better part of two days.” His hair was slightly damp from the shower and she could smell his shampoo when he stepped around her to get the bread from the refrigerator.

“Who said it was on your account?” she teased. “Maybe I don’t want to have popcorn again for dinner.”

Killian gave her a look of mock disappointment as he put two slices of bread in the toaster and pushed the lever down. “You wound me, Swan. And I thought you cared.”

If only you knew how much. “Yeah, yeah. What time do you have to head out?”

“I’ll probably call an Uber a bit before nine, just to make sure I have plenty of time to find the place.”

“Sounds good. I would offer to drive you, but I’m not sure when I’ll be home after work and the store, so you’d probably have to Uber back anyway to keep from waiting. Remind me to give you my spare key before you go too.”

“Will do.” He gestured to the coffee pot, which was now full. “Is there perhaps a cup of that with my name on it?”

“Potentially. But look away while I get mugs out of my unorganized cabinet.”

“And you call me overdramatic.”

Between paperwork and thoughts of her houseguest, Emma’s day dragged horribly. All she could focus on was that previous night with Killian and everything that had happened (and not happened) since his arrival. Other than the insinuation that he wasn’t seeing anyone back in London, she had more questions than answers. Questions about his feelings for her, about the chances of him returning to Boston again.

She left the office early that afternoon. There wasn’t much more that could be done until she went on her next stakeout, and the grocery store would be a madhouse if she waited to go when people started getting off of work. As she began making a mental list of what to pick up, she received a text from Killian.

Meetings have finally wrapped for the day, thank goodness. I’m heading back to your flat to recuperate before tomorrow.

Emma smiled when she read his message, both because of the obvious reasons, and that he would be around to put his cooking skills to use.

Good. I’m buying stuff for us to make dinner before I come home.

She had planned to get something simple like a frozen pizza or premade meals for dinner, but he was inspiring her to step out of the box every once in a while.

An hour later, she arrived at her apartment with a load of grocery bags that she somehow managed to bring up in just one trip. Killian walked in from the living room in time to see her unbagging various items. He was wearing the same sweatpants from the night before, this time with a Metallica shirt and mismatched socks she would tease him about for at least the next six months. “Hello, Swan. What have you got there?”

Emma held up the jar of marinara sauce and pack of chicken she’d bought. “Stuff for chicken parm. I know you mentioned making it for Liam and Belle before. This recipe I found looks easy enough that I can help without causing a disaster.”

He raised an eyebrow skeptically, but she could see the corners of his mouth turning up. “You really have a lot of confidence in yourself.”

“For taking down bail jumpers? Yes. For cooking a decent meal? Hell no.”

“It’s not all that tricky, love.” He came over to help her unbag the groceries. “Especially if you pick a partner who knows what he’s doing.”

Something in his voice told her that ideology wasn’t just limited to cooking. Emma hoped he didn’t notice her face reddening at the thought of other possibilities. Did he know how difficult it was for her to keep her composure around him now? “Yeah, well, if this partner knows what he’s doing as well as he claims, he can start on the chicken while I put the other groceries away.”

Killian had finished mixing eggs and making the breading and parmesan mixture by the time she’d put most of her things away. The only thing remaining on the counter was a separate bag of groceries she’d put to the side. “Were you going to put those away too?” he asked when he spotted them.

Emma shook her head. “Nope. That’s for something later.” She had to bite her lip to hold back a smile; something told her he would get a kick out of what she had planned.

Her attempts at helping him cook their dinner lasted all of ten minutes when she came close to putting cilantro instead of parsley on the chicken. The only reason she hadn’t was because Killian had spotted the label on the side of the bottle. “I can’t even read labels now? Are we really sure I’m an adult?”

He had his back turned to her. He was probably laughing and didn’t want her to see. “They do look somewhat similar. It would have been an honest mistake, love.”

“One I’m really glad you caught before it was too late.” Emma had since resorted to sitting at the kitchen table and watching him boil pasta and prepare the now-browned chicken for baking. The way that he seemed to be at ease in the kitchen was something she doubted that she would ever understand. There was too much she could screw up at any given moment. “I feel bad that this was my idea and you’re doing all the work though.”

“There’s nothing to feel bad about. It’s a fairly simple dish.”

“Simple when you don’t have the cooking skills of a five-year-old.”

Killian paused for a moment. Then, “If you’d like, you can put the pasta into plates when it’s done.”

“I’ll try my best.”

The meal was great, something Emma was sure had to do with her lack of involvement. She and Killian ate at the kitchen table and shared stories about their niece and nephews.

“You seriously lost a six-year-old in Disneyland?” she asked in the middle of his relaying an incident from their family vacation to Paris the previous summer.

“Aye. Certainly not one of my finer moments. I was bloody terrified, both over where she was and what I knew Liam would do to me when he found out.”

“Well, you’re still alive,” she pointed out, “so I’m assuming he never did?”

“No, believe it or not. After losing my mind trying to find her for half an hour, I remembered she’d been going on all day about wanting to see It’s a Small World again. I found her sitting outside the entrance with Mary Poppins, who looked to be about three seconds away from strangling me.” Killian paused to take a drink of his water and laughed. “Y’know, Sophia has never said a word to Liam or Belle about the incident. But I’ve had the feeling since that she may very well use it as blackmail against me in the future if there’s a time when I don’t comply to her wishes.”

“Women are smart. Even the small ones.”

“Right you are, Swan. Right you are.”

Emma washed the dishes after they’d finished dinner, refusing to let Killian do so much as dry a plate. “You did all the cooking. Let me take care of this one thing I can do without causing either of us bodily harm.”

Even without his assistance, she finished the task quickly, eager to show him the reason behind the other groceries she hadn’t put away earlier. “You ready to see what that “something later” was now?” she asked, pulling the various items out of the bag and lining them up on the counter.

Killian came over from the table where he’d been looking at something on his phone. “Absolutely. It’s got to be more enjoyable than the double chin Snapchats I’ve been getting from Will all evening.”

“I think so. Although you may very well end up with a double chin if you go nuts with these.”

His brow furrowed as he took a look at the items on the counter. “Hmm. Flour, eggs, sugar, cocoa powder. Perhaps I’m making a wild guess here, but I assume you want to make cupcakes?”

“I do.” It hadn’t been part of the original dinner plan when she’d went to the store earlier. But one glance at the chocolate cupcakes in the bakery and she couldn’t pass the opportunity up. “I had a feeling you wouldn’t object since you got all pouty over not getting to try the ones we made last time.”

“First of all, I did not, as you put it, “get pouty.” I am glad you considered those a joint effort though. Sitting on the couch to watch you bake takes its toll on a man.”

“Yeah, yeah. We’ll see if legitimate cupcakes with me take a toll on you too.”

Mixing the batter was a much smoother process than preparing dinner had been, likely because she’d already done it once before. The steps she’d found tedious and annoying the first time around bothered her considerably less now. Maybe it had something to do with the added company.

(It had everything to do with that.)

“Is it time to get out the parchment paper, Swan?” Killian asked when the mixing was completed.

“Oh! I almost forgot.” Emma rummaged around in the cabinet above the oven and pulled out a pack of cupcake liners. “I bought these after last time on the off chance I’d have a reason to need them.” She didn’t mention that this was weeks before she found out he’d be coming to Boston, and yet she’d still chosen the blue and green ones knowing they were his favorite colors.

He flashed her a grin in response, and she had to remind herself to breathe. Get a grip, Emma. You still have one more night to spend with him.

“I’m proud of you, love. We may just make a skilled baker out of you after all.”

“Don’t get your hopes up just yet. I’ll be depending on you to make sure they don’t burn.”

Emma surprised them both by remembering to take the pans out of the oven right on time. “I’m going to remember this the next time you refer to me as a bad influence,” Killian teased. “My presence clearly has quite the effect on you.”

If he only knew.

Despite any improvements she’d made in baking, icing the cupcakes was no less of a mess than it had been before. Emma had changed into an old t-shirt, which was now stained with chocolate icing in several places. Her ego wasn’t quite as bruised thanks to the smudge of icing on Killian’s chin that he had yet to notice.

Twelve iced cupcakes and four more stains later, she asked, “Since you didn’t get a chance the first time around, why don’t you do the honors and conduct the first taste test?”

“I’d love nothing more.” He picked up one of the cupcakes, peeled back the blue liner, and took a bite that would have put her own to shame. “Bloody hell,” he muttered through a mouthful of cake and icing before quickly finishing the rest.

“I’m taking that as a good sign?”

“It’s a fantastic sign.” He used a paper towel to wipe off the bit of icing he’d gotten on his mouth. “Why don’t you find out for yourself?”

Emma chose one with a green liner and peeled it off completely. For some reason, she’d never liked eating cupcakes with the paper still on, even if it did make more of a mess. “Ugh, these are better than the last ones,” she admitted after her first bite.

“Are they really?” Killian waggled his eyebrows.

“As much as I hate to admit it, yes.” She took another bite and made a sound that was somewhere between a sigh and a groan. “Damn you and your ability to be good at, like, everything.”

“Everything, you say?” She thought it was meant to be teasing, but when she looked up at Killian, he was staring at her intently, his eyes wide and lips parted.

Emma had two choices here. She could make a sarcastic comment and shut down the possibility of finding out if he tasted as good as his cupcakes. Or she could do what she’d really wanted to since he’d gotten off of that plane yesterday.

Screw it. She grabbed Killian by the collar of his t-shirt and kissed him for all he was worth.

Any shock he felt over it was quickly dismissed, one of his hands going to the small of her back and the other cupping her cheek as he returned her kiss.

She pulled away when she felt out of breath and Killian began to laugh. “What’s so funny?” she asked, frowning. That could either be a good or bad sign.

“I’m sorry, love, it’s just...apparently I got a bit of icing on my fingers when I was eating that cupcake, and, well, see for yourself.”

Emma glanced over at the screen of her phone and saw chocolate smudges on her cheek where he had been touching her just seconds ago. “Damn. I should have been messier with mine so I could have returned the favor.”

“Good thing there are ten more cupcakes at your disposal.” He leaned in and kissed her again, this one short and sweet. “You don’t know how long I’ve wanted to do that, Swan.”

“Actually, I think I do,” she admitted. “But seriously, Killian, what are we doing? I know I asked you the same yesterday and chickened out, but we really do need to talk about this.” She motioned her hand between the two of them. “I mean, you’re essentially the best friend I have, we use a ridiculous amount of our cell phone battery on each other, and I don’t even talk to David and Mary Margaret as much as I talk to you....but is that it? Do you want to want things to stay like they have been for the past six months or-” the next few words felt caught in her throat. She really hoped that wasn’t what he wanted.

“If that’s what you want, then things between us can remain the same. But, frankly, Swan, I have no desire to pretend the last five minutes never happened.”

The corners of her mouth turned up, and he smiled back at her hopefully. “Good. I don’t either. But the question still stands: what now?”

“I’m afraid I don’t have a solid answer for that just yet, love. How about we simply enjoy the time we’ve got left together and figure out the rest as we go, eh?”

“If enjoying our time includes you showing me another kiss like that, I’m all for it.”

Her heart skipped a beat at his answering grin. How he could smile and look borderline sinful, she’d never know. “Oh, darling, I’ll show you anything you’re up for.”

The cupcakes were soon forgotten thanks to the heated kisses, soft touches, and shed clothing that followed. Turns out, Killian was great at eliciting noises from her for reasons that had nothing to do with chocolate.

It wasn’t until late that night when Emma’s sheets were in a tangled heap and they’d had a chance to catch their breath when a thought came to mind. “Killian?” She sat up from where she’d been curled up against his bare chest, paying little mind to the sheet that slipped off of them and pooled at her waist. “Why did you accept my friend request?”

He blinked several times as if questioning if he heard her correctly. “Come again, love?”

“You’ve known since the beginning that I added you by accident. But you’ve never said just why you accepted it.”

Killian was quiet for a moment as he considered the answer to her question. “I suppose you’re right. I remember that night somewhat vividly if I’m being honest. I couldn’t sleep, per usual, and was up watching some random documentary on YouTube when the notification popped up on my phone. There didn’t seem to be a reason for me to accept the request. I knew from the name alone that I hadn’t the slightest idea who you were. I probably spent the better part of an hour debating on what I should do.”

“And what made you decide I was worth the risk of accepting?”

He chuckled and scratched a spot behind his right ear, something Emma assumed was a nervous tic. “You may think I’m ridiculous for this, Swan, and rightly so, but I came to the conclusion that if someone as bloody gorgeous as you sent me a friend request, I’d be a fool to at least not give it a chance and find out why. That,” he continued, “and you were wearing a Groot shirt in one of your recent photos. I knew I liked you already.”

Truthfully, Killian was right- it was a little ridiculous. She may very well have laughed or rolled her eyes if he’d told her any of this when they’d first started getting to know one another. But they did know each other now, probably better than they knew anyone else, so it seemed easily forgiven. Not to mention she’d had similar thoughts the first time she came across his own profile. “And you had to wait another week to hear anything from me. I didn’t even realize we were friends until you liked that photo I posted from the movies.”

“If that’s what it took for us to end up where we are now, I’ll gladly like anything you post a hundred times over.”

Emma knew without asking that “where we are now” wasn’t just referring to the two of them being in her bed. “That might just be the corniest thing a man has ever said to me. And I adore it.” She all but threw herself back on top of him like she’d been earlier and kissed him, cupcakes and sleep both be damned.

She woke the next morning with a warm body against hers and an arm thrown around her waist. The alarm on Killian’s phone was ringing from where he’d dropped it on the bedroom floor in their haste to undress each other the night before. Any annoyance she felt over the blaring alarm was forgotten as memories from just hours earlier replayed in her mind.

Killian’s arm tightened around her waist as he made some indiscernible noise. “Too bloody early,” he groaned, his voice muffled by the pillow.

“You’re the one who set the alarm.”

“It was a lapse in judgment.” She felt the bed shift as he inched over on the mattress and his arm tightened around her. “Wonder how cross Liam would be if I called and said I couldn’t make the meetings today, I had better obligations to attend to.”

“I think he’d fly over just to murder you. And I really don’t want that kind of a mess in my apartment. Getting blood out of carpet can’t be easy.”

“Your compassion is overwhelming, love.”

“Always. Seriously, you’re gonna be late if you don’t get up soon. Why don’t you go ahead and shower and I’ll see about finding something for breakfast.” They had more options than toast and coffee now after her trip to the store yesterday. Emma got out of bed, still rather reluctant, and pulled on a pair of pajama pants with his Metallica shirt without thinking twice.

Killian sighed but got up anyway. “If the lady insists.”

“I think we’ve established how the lady feels about the mess Liam will make if you don’t.” She stuck her tongue out at him before leaving the room.

Emma had just poured the last of the pancake batter onto a frying pan when she felt hands settle on her waist. “Something smells delicious.” She couldn’t bite back a smile as Killian nuzzled her ear.

“It’s just from a box.” Truthfully, boxed pancake mix didn’t feel like much of a step up from toast, but it was one of the few things she’d trusted herself to make without major error.

“I’m not talking about the pancakes.”

Maybe breakfast wasn’t so important after all. She turned in his arms and leaned in to kiss him just as her phone started to ring from where she’d left it on the kitchen table.

“Figures,” she muttered, glancing over to see the name on the screen. “It’s Mary Margaret. Go ahead and eat, this might take a few minutes. Coffee should be done by now too.”

Emma took her phone in the living room and answered the call. “Hey, Mary Margaret. What’s up?”

“Hi, Emma. I didn’t know what your work schedule looked like today, but Ruby mentioned something about the four of us getting drinks after work if you’re interested.”

She would have been interested if it was any other day. Her work schedule (probably paperwork again) wasn’t the concern- with everything that had happened since the night before, she’d never gotten around to asking Killian when he had to leave. “I appreciate the invite, but I’m gonna have to pass today. Something kind of came up.”

As soon as Emma said the words, she regretted them. Of course her sister-in-law would insist on an explanation. “What? Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, everything’s fine.” She might as well tell Mary Margaret the truth now; she’d find out soon enough. “Um, see, the hotel Killian was supposed to stay at lost his reservation, so he’s been at my place. I’m not exactly sure how much longer he’s going to be here.”

“He’s spent the night there? David said you two were just spending a day together. Oh, did something finally happen?!”

Emma was not giving a play by play of the previous night over the phone while Killian was in the next room. “Now isn’t the best time, but I’ll tell you about it later, okay? I’ll make sure I’m free for girl time one day next week.”

“You’d better!”

Killian was washing dishes when she came back into the kitchen. “I left some for you,” he said, nodding toward the plate of pancakes and cup of coffee he’d set to the side.

“Thanks.” Emma retrieved her preferred coffee creamer from the fridge, wondering how he could stand to drink his black, when she thought of something. “Wait a minute. I forgot to set out coffee mugs. Does this mean you had to get a look at my cabinets?”

“Aye. As much as it pains me, Swan, I suppose it’s just one of those things I’ll have to force myself to overlook.” He tried to sound disappointed, but she could see the corners of his mouth turning up. “Thankfully, you do appear to have a few redeeming qualities to make up for this one tragic flaw.”

“Such a drama queen.” She rolled her eyes but walked over when he’d finished rinsing off his dishes and kissed him, Killian’s head tilting to the side a bit as he pulled her close. He smiled against her lips and she pulled back reluctantly after a moment, running her hands down his chest, the fabric of his dark grey button-down soft to the touch. “I’m glad to hear my lack of mug organization doesn’t have you running for the hills though.” The urge to slip her hands under the collar of said shirt was tempting, but they’d cut his time short enough already.

(To think less than twenty-four hours ago, she was convinced Killian couldn’t know how she really felt about him. Now, they couldn’t keep their hands off of each other.)

“My love, it’s going to take much more than a cabinet full of disorganized mugs to get rid of me.”

His words were meant to be reassuring, but Emma’s heart plummeted as reality sank in. “I almost hate to ask, but remind me when your flight back is again?”

Killian pursed his lips. “Well, my flight was scheduled for this evening. But,” he added, “I don’t technically have a reason to be back before Sunday night at the latest.”

“Oh?”

“Aye. You could be stuck with me all weekend...unless you’d rather not be. Which is perfectly understandable. I’m sure you want me out of your hair after allowing me to stay with you for the past two days, which I still feel as if I haven’t properly thanked you for, and-”

She cut him off with a quick kiss. “I’d love nothing more than to spend my weekend “stuck” with you, as you put it. And you should probably be heading out soon,” she continued, taking another glance at the clock, “but I’ll make sure you have a chance to show your appreciation for my hospitality later. Preferably multiple times.”

“I do like the way you think, Swan.”

Killian did indeed express his gratitude for her hospitality a number of times over the next day and a half. After they’d each finished their respective work obligations that afternoon, they’d spent the rest of the weekend in Emma’s apartment, either in her bed, on the couch in front of the TV, or in the kitchen where Killian yet again tried to salvage what there was of her cooking skills. He was being awfully stubborn in his mission to prove she was capable of making a meal without additional guidance.

“I don’t know why you’re so intent on making a culinary expert out of me,” she’d told him on Saturday morning right after she burnt herself trying to make French toast.

“Swan, I’m not even a culinary expert. I simply think you deserve better than to be satisfied with takeaway and prepackaged foods all the time.”

(One thing she’d quickly learned about Killian Jones? He hated Pop Tarts.)

On Saturday afternoon, Emma unceremoniously told him about the details of her life she’d always left out in their past conversations. Her abandonment as a baby, bouncing around foster homes with no sense of family for years until she found David and Mary Margaret, and why the people she tracked down who’d abandoned their families always hit so close to home. Her track record of failed relationships, first with Neal and then Walsh.

“I think the distance between us is what got me to open up to you over time,” she told him afterward. They were curled up on her couch, the show she’d picked to watch having been long forgotten. “I guess I thought it would be more simple this way. If something happened, I could cut things off a lot easier than I could if we were in the same place. The chances of us actually meeting seemed so slim for the longest time.”

Killian took her hand and gave it a quick squeeze. “And now?”

“Now?” She took a moment to process the question. “Now, I’m just thinking about all I could have missed out on if we’d never met. I mean, those cupcakes would have been terrible.”

The grin on his face when he leaned in to kiss her made her heart beat in a way that couldn’t have been normal.

Any discussion of where they would go from there was put off until Sunday morning. It was early, the sun’s rays just barely visible through the thin curtains in Emma’s bedroom. She’d meant to replace them months ago with blackout curtains to prevent early wakeups on her days off, but the time of day was easily ignored thanks to the warm body curled around her own.

“I don’t think we ever resumed that conversation from a few nights ago,” Emma pointed out. “Y’know, about exactly what this is that we’re doing now.”

“On the contrary, love, we most certainly did continue the conversation. Just perhaps not in a verbal sense.” He began to kiss his way down her neck and shoulder and she couldn’t help but laugh at him, both for his words and for making her realize just how ticklish she was.

Emma rolled over so she was facing him. “Don’t you think now is the time to actually continue it though? In a verbal sense,” she added, smacking his arm lightly when he wiggled his eyebrows.

“You wound me, Swan. But, aye. I suppose you’re right.”

“So are we doing this now? You and me?”

Killian smiled. “If that’s what you want, I’d love nothing more.”

“Of course it’s what I want. It’s just...I’m here, you’re there, most of the time, anyway. How does this work?”

“I suppose it can work the same as it has been since the beginning, love. We have some method of communication every day, we watch Netflix together, we tell each other what’s going on in our lives. The only difference would be counting down the days until I get to see you again. I’m not sure exactly when that would be,” he added before she could ask, “but we’ll work something out. I do have a fair amount of vacation days at my expense that Liam’s been hounding me to do something with.”

That alone was enough to alleviate a few of Emma’s concerns. Of course, she’d love to fly to London to see him at some point, but the lack of predictability that came with her job meant it likely wouldn’t be anytime soon. The only downside was the feeling that she would be putting considerably less work into the relationship this way.

Relationship. The casual way she’d thought about the term didn’t go unnoticed.

“You’d do that for me?”

Killian shrugged. “Eh. I’d do it for more cupcakes.” He laughed at the expression on her face before she kissed him.

Neither one of them had any desire to leave for the airport that afternoon, but Killian did have to head home as planned this time. “Liam will be at the office in the morning expecting to hear the results of my trip,” he told her while he packed his things. “Well, the results of his intentions for sending me over.” He shot Emma a wink and her cheeks reddened. If Liam was anything like her own older brother, his reaction to how they’d spent most of the weekend would be less than thrilled.

They drove to the airport in comfortable silence. Killian took her hand in his and rubbed his thumb lightly over her skin as she navigated through light Sunday traffic, Nirvana playing on the radio. Emma was caught off guard by his voice as he sang the words to “Heart-Shaped Box” softly under his breath. “Let me get this straight: you’re hot, funny, smart, a Marvel fan, can cook, and now you can sing. Do you fly too?”

“As a matter of fact, one of my coworkers is a pilot and offered to give me a lesson sometime-”

“Oh my gosh.”

She parked in the same lot as the last time, not wanting to be rushed through a quick goodbye at the curb. “Want me to walk in with you?” she asked. It felt less like a silly question and more like she didn’t want to let him go just yet.

“It’s fine, Swan. I’m sure you have things at home to take care of before work tomorrow.”

Killian wasn’t wrong. It didn’t make her any less disappointed. “Alright then.” She opened the trunk and helped retrieve his luggage despite his insistence that there was no need. “I guess this is it.” Her eyes flitted back and forth between his gaze and the concrete under her feet.

“I’m afraid so.” There’s a bit of reluctance in his voice as he steps forward and wraps his arms around her. “Swan, you don’t know how bloody glad I am that Liam sent me on this trip.”

“I think I have an idea.” The lump in her throat was hard to swallow.

“I know this isn’t ideal and it might be tricky at first, but we’ll figure something out and I’ll be back to see you soon. I’m not sure when just yet, but soon, okay?”

Emma nodded, hugging him a bit tighter before pulling back and pressing her lips to his. “Have a safe flight. Text me when you’re back home?”

“Of course.”

She watched as Killian disappeared from sight. The desire to go back to her apartment alone was nonexistent, but the man she cared about knew of her feelings and cared about her just as much in return. The reminder nearly made up for the distance and the time zone that separated them.

There were two new messages in her inbox when she was getting ready for bed that night, the apartment now quiet and borderline solemn.

Killian: Hello, love. Just got in a few minutes ago. I would ask if you’d like to watch something before bed, but I’m not sure how much longer I can keep my eyes open. Perhaps tomorrow?

Oh, and I know you stole my Metallica shirt.

Emma laughed, glancing in the mirror at the shirt she wore that still smelled faintly like his cologne. It’s a date. And I wanted you to have an incentive to come back other than my cupcakes.

Minx.

You love it.

I do.

She received another message not long after.

Ruby: Why am I just now finding out from MM that Killian crashed at your place??? Please tell me you got laid!

At least she had friends to keep her entertained until Killian’s next visit.

#cs ff #cs au #captain swan #captain swan fic #captain swan ff #cs fanfics #cs fic #meredith writes

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