#I haven’t eaten since 3:30pm YESTERDAY

[dumbasswithapen]

I feel so fucking awful and sick and disgusting and I have for days but I can’t tell if it’s getting worse because I’m actually sick, because I haven’t eaten since 3:30pm yesterday (again with the fact that this has been happening for days), or because I just got my period. Fuck this shit, man.

[rileysslife]

Challenge

hey guys i wanna try to fast 3 days from monday (today) until wednesday… i haven’t eaten since yesterday (sunday) 4:30pm

[freefallthoughtless]

I’m betraying myself. I’ve decided to eat less. It’s only been 30 or so hours and I’ve already made up rules and habits. Like no eating until 6pm. Fruit at 6pm and then two slices of bread right before bed so I can sleep without being hungry. The rest of the time it’s tea, water, coffee and diet soda.

This is really just so incredibly stupid. I’ve gone down this road before and I hated what it did to me mentally. It fucked me up so bad.

I’d estimate that I had around 4-500 calories yesterday and I walked off 250. So today the scale was 1.5kgs lower than yesterday morning. That’s a lot of weight to lose in 24 hours. And it didn’t feel like enough, I wasn’t happy with the number on the scale.

Truthfully I haven’t been happy with the number for at least two years, if not more. I’ve consistently gained weight for 3 years. Partly from over-eating when my gag reflex stopped working from throwing up too much, but still craving food, and partly from the medication I’m on, that increased the over-eating/hunger signals.

But I’ve been able to exist in my body regardless, able to still feel good about myself. But for the past 3 months I’ve just felt so terrible about myself. I suppose going up another size in clothes again, really just threw me off. And the constant fear that I’ll just keep gaining weight for the rest of my life. Because that’s been my reality for 3 years. I can’t gain anymore now and still feel good. I’ve reached my limit.

And I should be doing this in a more healthy way, I know. But the problem with a minor calorie deficit is that it only takes 1 day to fuck it up and gain the weight back. I feel like I need to be extreme about this, to see results fast enough for me to keep some sort of motivation, and for it to actually work.

I’m really hungry right now, it’s 3:30pm. It’s been 14 hours since I last ate. But the hunger isn’t really that bad. It’s more just annoying than it’s difficult. And warm beverages like tea are fine enough.

I also know that drastically decreasing food intake can lead to massive binges when suddenly your brain screams at you to eat. I know that from exhausting experience. But I’m still doing this.

This night I dreamt that I ate a huge cake. And I was so confused and feeling guilty when I woke up because I was scared I had actually eaten that much.

But I hadn’t.

It just scares me how quickly my brain is recognizing what I’m doing, and how quickly I’ve made up rules.

But I’ve made the choice, now I’ll just have to see what happens.

Monday 09/18/23

[southislandwren]

I worked 2 extra fucking hours today because my boss asked me to stay and help and he didn’t even say thank you. I’m done trying at that place I’m not appreciated one bit and I’m tired of going above and beyond for people who don’t even say thank you

[modernsocialmediaau]

who are you

February 28, 2015 2:30pm

" Lauren? " a woman's voice rang, it's like some type of dream. In Lauren's point of view, she's coming back into consciousness

" Lauren? " the voice adds again and Lauren finally opens her eyes which she immediately regrets seeing that she had a big ass flashlight pointed at her.

" There we go. " she chuckles and moves the flashlight out of her eyes, her oh so delicate eyes.

" Alright, so I assume you haven't been eaten all today? "she challenges

" You assume right, "

" Well, I recommend you eat and stay in here for quite a while. " she orders

" Will I get to perform tonight? "

" I advised you not to, but if you feel better then yes, and may I ask? " she pause and Lauren nods

" Is there something else on your mind because fainting should not be caused for only missing a couple of meals, at best you should've just been light headed. " she quizzes making Lauren nervous

" Aren't you a doctor? " Lauren tried to change the subject

" Yes, but I'm also a mother." she smiles

" I don't know. "

" I've got two teenagers living in my house, fasting usually comes from mood swings and mood swings often are due to love interest. " she hums

" Wha---whaa, " Lauren nervously chuckle

" So, mood swings and fasting check and check, who is the love interests?."

" Doc I really don-"

" Lauren humor me, okay. "

" No, I'm just-I have something in mind. " Lauren sighs knowing that she would not let go of the topic

" Which is? " she smiles

" I have a crush on my friend who iced me out of our friendship for awhile because of what some fans thought of us and she was pursuing this boy. But-well I think I might be even in love with her. Which makes me sick because all she ever did to me was break me but here I am telling you that I love her " Lauren covers herself with a pillow. Awaiting for her response but when Lauren removes the pillow she's simply waiting for Lauren.

" I know I'm not your mom but I've had my fair share of love affairs and if you don't let whatever you are feeling out willingly it'll find its way out.  " Lauren can't believer how easily she is able to confess this to a random person but not Ally and Dinah.

" Yea but out of the 7 billion people why her? "

" Alright what seems to be the problem? " she requests

" Well for one thing I'm not gay and neither is she. "

" So you're afraid of confronting her and your own sexuality. "

" Yes. "

" And the idea of keeping this big secret is making you anxious and paranoid. Which causes stress levels to go up. Now it all makes sense. "

" What do I do? "

" Tell her. " she simply said implying as if it were that easy

" Ugh. " Lauren quickly sits up and suddenly Lauren feels the familiar feeling of uneasiness and imbalance

" Sit down Lauren. " she grabbed my fore arm and guided me back onto the couch

" I can't. " I said

" You're also afraid of rejection, since you've gone through it before. But the thing is none of this will get easier. Not only will you're emotions take over, they will speak for themselves. "she smiles giving Lauren that mom smile

" Okay, so how do you advise I tell her? "

" Just be honest with her and don't drag it along. "

" What if we're not friends after? I can't exactly go another year of her ignoring me," Lauren anxiously rubs her wrist, and her anxiety comes back all over again

" You girls have gone through a lot, and besides it's not like she can quit. "

" Ok. Thank you Dr.-"

" Jacoby. " she smiles and begins packing her stuff

" Thank you. " Lauren replies

" Remember stay hydrated and eat. And if and I mean IF you feel better by the time of the show, go perform you're little heart out. But don't over do it," she asserts before leaving the room

Lauren wonders how much she's missed out on. She picks her phone up from the table and see's that it was already 3. That's when she realizes she's missed 3 hours worth of work.

Fuck.

Lauren decides to sit up but didn't feel good being up so high, so she lays back down. Lauren establishes to take a little catnap listening to music with a water bottle to her chest.

" Lo? " Camila whispers, but Lauren frankly didn't believe its her and decides to ignore her.

" Lauren? " she repeats herself and this time Lauren believes it is her

" Hey Camila. " Lauren croaks

" Do you feel better? "

" Yea, " Lauren weakly smiled

" Are you gonna perform tonight o-"

" Hell yeah I am. " she chuckles

" You are one bad bitch Lauren Michelle. " Dinah jokes making everyone laugh.

" Are you sure? " Camila interrupts the groups laughter and changes the vibe to a much serious one

" Sure about what? " Lauren questions taking the plate Normani is handing her

" Mhmmm, mac and cheese. " Lauren hums

" About performing tonight. " Camila repeats

" Yea she said I could, I just can't over do it. " Lauren laughs

" Girl you always over do it, " Dinah sasses snapping her fingers

" We all do, " Ally adds

As the girls eat and chat, Lauren see's a message from Will wondering if she can quickly go to the stage for a quick sound check. Lauren stands up, and excuses herself but Camila stops.

" Hey where are you going? " Camila worries

" I have to go to sound check. "Lauren laughs grabbing a water bottle, her phone, and throw outs her trash.

" Are you gonna be okay? " they announce in unison

" Uh yeah I think I'll manage. Meet you guys back here in 2 hours. "Lauren laughs rolling her eyes

" 2 hours it don't take that long. " Normani answers

" Yea but I also need to do make-up and buy a couple of things from Rite Aide. " Lauren responds

" Text me when your going to Rite Aide I need a couple of things too. " Normani winks and Lauren questions it but still nods her head.

Lauren leaves, the girls and scrolls through her phone as she is walking through the back. Will walks in front of Lauren stopping her in her tracks.

" Hey Will what's up? " Lauren is shock but also puts her phone down.

" The doctor said to be careful okay. " he reminds Lauren not wanting to have another panic attack

" I know,"

" Here Lauren, " the sound guy hands her, her ear piece and mic before carrying on with the sound check

" Thank you. " and we carried onto the sound check.

--

Lauren leaves the make up room and sends Mani a text letting her know she is ready for their trip to the convenience store.

As she waits for Normani she scrolls through her instagram or twitter to see if they made it public that she isn't feeling well. Thankfully it was a simple tweet from the Fifth Harmony twitter account, following up with another assurance.

@FifthHarmony One of the girls, had a bit of an accident backstage. We'll keep you guys posted

-Will

@FifthHarmony  And we're back everything is fine see you guys tonight

-Normani

" Hey sorry, " Normani runs into Lauren leaning up against the wall, while catching her breath

" Why are you running? "

" The girls and I got bored during dressing stuff so we played tag. " she simply answers as if it's a typical day in fifth harmony world

" Okay, well the Rite Aide is only around the corner so it won't take that-"

" Are you okay? " Mani interrupts

" Huh? I already told you guys. " Lauren chuckles and they start walking towards rite aid

" Lauren why did you faint? " she brings up

" Because I was hungry, "Lauren answers

" But that's- "

"I hadn't eaten since yesterday Normani it happens. "Lauren asserts not wanting to walk about this conversation anymore.

For the rest of the walk it was it was pure silence, until a fan would stop us for autographs and pictures . But other than that it was pure silence. It's not because I got sick of the topic of me, but it's just I'm tired of the constant pity being thrown at me. I am fine, I was hungry and stress.

" So I'm gonna tell Camila, " Lauren confesses making Normani trip on her feet and fall

•••

" What Mani? What did I do to her? I want to fix it. " Lauren cries

" Lauren I don't think you get it. " Normani sighs caressing Laurens head trying to calm and comfort her hurting friend.

" She's not talking to me what's not to get Mani? What? What did I do to her for her to just ignore me like this. " Lauren continues begging and pleading for answers.

" Wha- "

" You aren't doing anything wrong! " she interrupts pulling her

" But- "

" No! Listen to me? I don't know what's going on with her, but I sure as hell am positive you did nothing wrong. 3 months Lo I've watched the whole thing unfold and you have not done one thing wrong. " Normani explains bringing Lauren into another comforting hug but this time Lauren felt her tears on her shoulder. She began to cry with Lauren.

" Why? Why is she ignoring me. "

•••

" What? " Normani chokes while sitting on the floor

" Yeah, I think it's best. " instead of answering Lauren she stands up and picks her up

" Alright calm down. " Lauren smile

" When are you gonna do it? " Normani questions

" I don't know, probably when we get to Ft. Lauderdale. "

" Why there? "

" Well one I'll be near family so I won't feel alone. "

" You'll never be alone girl, " Normani sighs in relief giving Lauren a side hug

" Thanks Mani, and secondly I think it would be nice to see Luis plus I know he'll just have the right thing to say. "

" Exactly, and hey if you want me to be there I can be. "

" No I think I'd be best if I do this by myself. "Lauren smiles and continued to shop. It took 3 people for Lauren to finally decide to tell Camila, well a year of ignorance and 3 people. Lauren hopes that this all goes well, but it's still very much in faiths hands and its in the universe. Lauren has come to the conclusion where she doesn't need Camila to tell her she feels the same way or anything like that, she just needs the freedom.

[bloodelves88]

Trip to Taipei/Hualien/Taichung/Puli, Taiwan (Part 6)

Part 1 here (Hualien). Part 2 here (Taipei). Part 3 here (Taipei). Part 4 here (Taichung/Puli). Part 5 here (Puli).

Day 7

Day 7. The last full day of this trip. It’s a long day today, waking up at 8am in Puli, and ending up in Taipei.

We went to A-bao again for breakfast. We didn’t eat there though. We took out our food and ate at the bus station. This time, I got a beef burger. It’s not too bad, it’s what you’d expect out of an above average beef burger.

I also bought soya milk, which was again, diluted and terrible. I threw it away after drinking half of it.

We reached the farm around 9:45am. The farm is at the mountain top, so the wind is really cool and nice. But because the sun was up, there was the uncomfortable hot-cold feeling which I really dislike. 

The first area is a food area. We would be coming back here for lunch later.

We bought the day pass tickets, which were NT$200 each.

The person selling tickets told us there was going to be a Equestrian show soon at 10:45am, so we headed there first. Along the way, we saw a shop with bees flying all over freely. 

You can’t see the bees in the picture, but there’s easily a hundred bees flying all over the entrance of the shop. Eek.

The view from the mountain top. Glorious. 

Sheep! Watch out for poop on the ground.

Horse!

The equestrian show stage. We were 13 minutes early and fortunate enough to find some seats in the shade.

The emcee. 

A clown and his pony. This was the starting act. He cycled on a unicycle first, asking the audience to throw some balls for him to catch with a net on a pole. Then he divided the audience into three sections, asking us to clap after he clapped. For example, if he clapped twice, then we would clap twice after he clapped. 

Sounds dull, but being a clown and entertainer, he did it really well. Very amusing 😆

Then they moved on to a long segment of people performing stunts with their horses. It involved them standing on the horse, hanging upside down off the side of the horse, planking on the horse, getting off the horse onto the floor and jumping back on, and various other stunts. Later on a guy with a whip would stand in the middle of the ring, always staring at the horse and occasionally whipping the ground. It’s really loud. I guess it’s to scare the horses into submission or something? I have no idea.

After all that, there was a photo taking session. You lined up in front of the horses and you could take pictures with them. The red boxes are for you to put money in if you want. I went to take a picture with the pony and the rightmost horse. 

Then, we continued our explorations in the farm. We continued the path, which eventually led to the 487 step trail. It’s just a staircase with 487 steps. Fortunately we were going down.

Made it to the end! My right shoe at the hole in the cloth near the front. I have no idea when or how it appeared.

Unfortunately, the area to the left of the equestrian show stage has nothing worth seeing. After going down the 487 steps, we were left rather far from the area we started off from. The nice way back was an elevated, side of the mountain trail which cost NT$50 to enter, so we decided to walk on the road for cars instead. Really bad idea, in hindsight. It was hot, there was nothing nice to look at, the cars sometimes came uncomfortably close, and sometimes where were plants in the way. Icky.

We started walking up around 12pm, and reached the starting area at around 12:30pm. We decided to have lunch at the area with stalls I showed earlier.

After ordering, we decided that we wouldn’t have enough time to finish our food, and changed our order to take out. Then, we went to wait for the bus. It was due to arrive at either 1pm or 1:10pm, who knows. The Nantou bus timetables were all very inconsistent, we’ve noticed. They’re all done with pen/marker and paper.

We decided to buy some goats milk egg rolls. They cost NT$100 for a pack of nine, wrapped in three packs of three each.

It’s not too bad, and because of its size and thickness, it’s much more flavourful than the love letters eaten during Chinese New Year.

As we didn’t know if we could eat on the bus, we waited until the bus was back in Puli before eating. We didn’t really have a place to go to eat, so we ate at the bus station, just like what we did for breakfast. 

I ordered some chicken with rice thing. Again, the portions are so generous for the price. I think the food item just said chicken with rice, so I wasn’t expecting all the other items that came with it. I think this was NT$60 or 75 (SGD$2.65 to $3.32). I forgot again.

My friend bought bamboo rice. It’s served in bamboo. Pretty interesting.

After eating, we headed back to J House. I was feeling a little hot, so I bought another cup of pearl milk tea from that amazing shop yesterday. Just a small cup this time though. We called the guy to get our bags, and he offered to drive us to the bus station. What great service. If we had to walk to the bus station, we probably wouldn’t have been able to catch the bus to Taichung. 

While getting into the car, I toppled my milk tea cup sideways, but not much spilled out since the only hole was the one from the straw. My friend gave me a tissue to clean it up and it was all good. Anyway, he drove us to the old bus station at first, which might have made us lose our bus. But somehow, we didn’t miss the bus. The bus was really crowded though. The driver had to count empty seats remaining to see if we could board. Ack.

Back in Taichung! The bus dropped us off near Taichung train station. I wonder why they don’t board people at the same place.

It’s 4:50pm now, and we wanted to visit two places. Chun Shui Tang’s original store, and the Painted Animation Lane. Since Chun Shui Tang was on the way towards the Painted Animation Lane, we headed there first. While planning the trip, we also wanted to go check out Miyahara Ice Cream, which was really near the station. I’m not sure why we didn’t go. Too tired to think of it, I guess. Argh.

The origin of pearl milk tea.

It’s 5:17pm now, and my friend made a good point that the sky darkens rather early in Taiwan, so we decided to go to the Painted Animation Lane first.

The Painted Animation Lane is basically a lane with many drawings and paintings of anime, cartoons, and games. I took a picture of every single drawing there, but I’m not going to show all of them.

There’s a random adult item in this claw machine. Lol why.

I don’t know why I didn’t take a panorama of this wall. Instead, I took 5 separate pictures of it, moving sideways slowly. Facepalm.

This isn’t the actual Totoro bus stop. There’s one further south of this place, which is an actual tourist attraction.

At the end of the lane, some guy who was working at a motorbike shop told us we could come in to look. There’s a huge Luffy statue here (worth NT$150,000/SGD$6,644), and a huge figurine collection. There was also a work in progress drawing. Apparently everything is his son’s. Pretty cool.

Anyway, that was it for the Painted Animation Lane. Now, back to Chun Shui Tang. 

We reached Chun Shui Tang around 6:20pm. There were no seats at the ground floor, so we were led to the basement. I was told that I could leave my luggage at the ground floor, which I did. I went to retrieve it 10 minutes later as I wasn’t comfortable leaving it there alone. There are no valuables in there, but I would be really sad if all my merchandise was stolen. I mean, clothes are easily replaceable. Merchandise isn’t. Not in Singapore, especially.

I ordered sesame oil noodles, along with one of my friends. My other friend ordered Kung Fu noodles. They also ordered a pot of tea, while I ordered the pearl milk tea. How could you not drink the pearl milk tea at the place where it originated? 

To be honest, the pearl milk tea was kind of a disappointment. The one near J House is better. The pearls here were a little hard, and I chewed on one that was harder than the rest. Inconsistent. The milk tea wasn’t as good either.

After the meal, I ordered their Signature Black Tea to go. This was also where cold black tea originated from, so I made it a point to try it as well.

Now, a walk back to Taichung train station. It was finally time to make the trip back to Taipei. It’s 8:20pm now, the day doesn’t seem to end. I was already quite tired before reaching Chun Shui Tang, and I could smell an unpleasant odour from myself. Ugh. The typhoon has passed, and it was a very hot day. There was barely any cloud cover (look at the farm pictures, the skies are so clear).

Anyway, it’s a long trip back. First a walk to Taichung train station, then a train to Taichung High Speed Rail station, then another train to Taipei Main Station, and then a walk to the hotel. We didn’t get our tickets until we reached Taichung High Speed Rail station, and fortunately there were still available seats. We weren’t able to sit together though (it was a two-one split). The train departed at 9:31pm.

My Signature Black Tea. I still haven’t drank it yet. And I dropped it on the floor while on my way here. I was wearing pants without pockets, which made my life really difficult. I already had to use one hand to pull my luggage, so accessing my phone, tickets, passport, etc. was really a pain 😭. I should have drank the tea much earlier. It’s now just warm.

11pm. We were finally at the hotel. We booked a four star hotel this time (all the previous lodgings were three star), but it was roughly the same price as all the other places we stayed at. That’s exactly why we booked it. 

I put my black tea in the fridge and went to bathe five minutes after we got into the room. I really needed a refresher. After bathing, the tea wasn’t cold, and I just gave up and drank it. It’s actually pretty good. 

Our room was in the middle of the floor, so there were no windows. Instead, there were fake windows and fake lights.

Since there was a bathtub, my friend went to play in it. I was wondering if that friend would fall asleep in the bathtub and drown, a trope commonly seen in anime 😅

Day 8

Last day in Taiwan. Our flight was at 3:25pm, so we couldn’t wake up too late. We decided to wake up at 9am. My friend ate cup noodles for breakfast, since it was bought on the first day in Taiwan in Hualien’s supermarket. It was originally meant to be a night snack, but we kept eating dinner at such a late time that snacking wasn’t required.

We walked out of the hotel and randomly turned down one street in search of breakfast. The hotel had breakfast, but it wasn’t free, and from reviews, it wasn’t good.

We ended up here. I ordered a chicken burger. Again, can’t go wrong with fried chicken. I don’t know how it’s so good everywhere.

I also ordered a cup of soya bean. They’re both pretty good. I mean how can it go wrong? I guess if you order soya bean from A-bao, it can.

My friend ordered some hot soupy thing, which took forever to eat. I was melting in the sweltering heat so I decided to go back first. They wanted to go to a supermarket they saw on the way, so I decided to go there first instead. 

Durians, and that’s a watermelon behind. I notice watermelons in Taiwan are all these strange elongated types. I’ve never seen such watermelons before.

After this, we checked out and headed to Taipei Main Station. We decided there was some time left and went to explore the mall on the other side of the station. My friend bought pineapples cakes, which are the typical food souvenir you buy whenever you go to Taiwan. I also bought a pearl milk tea keychain for NT$80. I have no idea why. I wasn’t actually interested until I realized that the pearls and milk tea in it could move. Anyway, there wasn’t many other shops of interest there, and we only had 15 minutes, so we left after a short while. Now, it’s time to head to Taoyuan Airport. 

Pretty views from the train.

We soon reached the airport. I had to check in my luggage as all our items were over the combined weight of 21kg (7kg per person). I didn’t really want to check it in as I didn’t want to wait for my luggage to appear after I landed, but ah well.

We haven’t had lunch yet, and the plane was due to reach Singapore at 8:15pm, so I decided I need to eat something hearty. We went to the airport food court, and I ordered ramen. Not worth it for the price. It was 2:25pm when I got my food, which meant that I had to gobble down my food. Not good. My friend ordered Dan Dan Noodles and pearl milk tea, and also had to gobble the noodles down. The tea was brought into the security check area, and my friend was told to finish the drink before proceeding 😅

We walked fast to the boarding gate, and reached around 3:05pm. They were calling for passengers to board, and the waiting area was totally empty. This has to be the first time I’m so late to board a plane 😅

Is that Taipei 101? Who knows. The plane flew at this altitude throughout the whole flight. If there weren’t any clouds, you could see the land or ocean easily.

We soon landed at Changi Airport Terminal 1. One of my friends wanted to shop at the duty free shop, so that one left. Another of my friends had family waiting outside, and didn’t want to make them wait, so that one left too. We didn’t go out of the arrival hall together 😢

Anyway, terminal 1 arrival now exits to the Jewel. I didn’t know that. This is my first time at the Jewel, and I quickly and easily found the fountain in the middle. Pretty nice, I guess. I managed to take a panorama while the lights changed, so there’s two colours in the photo.

I haven’t had my dinner yet, so I was looking for food. I headed to A&W first, but the queue was still long, so I went to Subway. The prices seemed to be inflated, as I don’t remember the prices being so high. Higher prices for an expensive shopping mall, I guess. I went to Burger King next, and the cashier seemed really busy and I didn’t want to bother.

I ended up at BreadTalk, and they were having an offer of three buns for $5. I bought my buns, found a taxi, and went home. 

The end.

Part 1 here (Hualien). Part 2 here (Taipei). Part 3 here (Taipei). Part 4 here (Taichung/Puli). Part 5 here (Puli).

[radkimmie]

Hola from Madrid! If you read the very short post I made yesterday with a video attached, you’ll know that I arrived at my new home and have spent the last few days getting adjusted. I’m not fully there yet; it will probably take me a couple of weeks before I can say I’ve fully adjusted to the way things are here in Spain. Photo 1 is the sunrise over Spain!

Traveling for about 12 hours straight isn’t fun, and nothing could have prepared me for the jet lag that hit me once I set my bags down in my new home. I arrived at 8:30am Madrid time, meaning I had a full day to try and rest. That didn’t make it easier, though! My body and mind were not in the best state those first 24 hours. I felt as if I would never fully rehydrate after so many hours spent on airplanes. It’s been tough getting into a schedule. Even today I’m still not quite over the jet lag. I haven’t been able to fall asleep until about 2:30am each night, no matter how hard I try. Hopefully that will end soon!

My family here in Madrid is amazing. The parents are extremely nice, and they’ve never hesitated to help me when I need it. They’re not the families I’m used to being surrounded by at home, no group of people could ever replace them, but I’m lucky to be with one that has welcomed me so quickly and lovingly. It definitely helps that they are both fluent in English (the mom is Australian, the dad went to school in the States), but I’m excited to begin my language course in a few days so I can start to communicate with the locals in their own language. Although I will say that I haven’t met one person who doesn’t know at least a little English. Photo 2 is the view from the dining room of my new home.

Madrid’s general schedule is quite different from what I grew up with back in Missouri. Breakfast is generally eaten around 10am, lunch at 2pm, afternoon tea or snack at 5pm, and dinner between 10pm and midnight. This is mainly because it doesn’t get dark until about 9:30pm, and most businesses don’t open until 10am or after. Many of these businesses also close from 2-5pm, and then reopen and stay open until 10pm or later. I would say it’s been hard to adjust to this eating schedule, but my jet lag has actually helped in this department. It’ll be interesting to go back to eating dinner at 6pm when I return home!

Let’s talk about my neighborhood, because, oh man, it’s beautiful. If you watched the video I posted, every shot that was taken in Madrid was taken within a 1 mile radius of the apartment. I was able to walk to all of those places in less than 15 minutes! This is because I now live in the very center of Madrid, in a neighborhood simply called Centro. Easy to remember. Coming from a fairly small city, and having lived in a tiny suburb at that, I’m not exactly used to being able to walk out of my front door to multiple restaurants, shops, cafes, and street vendors. I will be posting more about said shops and restaurants in September as August is a “holiday month” here in Madrid meaning almost all local businesses are closed for the month. Some streets in my neighborhood are completely deserted because of this! I’ll be happy once they open back up so I can actually check them all out. Photos 3-5 are of some of the buildings down my street.

But, that doesn’t mean I haven’t had anything to do. About 10 minutes from my apartment is possibly the biggest park I’ve ever seen in my life. It’s called Parque del Buen Retiro, and it’s beautiful. It’s been around since the 16th century, and has so much within its gates that even though I’ve spent hours there already, I’ve yet to see it all. Photo 6 is of on the main attractions, the Monument to Alfonso XII, which is on the Retiro Pond. You can rent row boats and go out on the water, or get a drink at the cafe next to it and enjoy the breeze that comes off the water. Not far from there I have found a public library, multiple play areas for kids, an exercising area for adults, a gym, tennis courts, plenty of other monuments and fountains, and numerous cafes, all within the park. I know there is also a crystal palace where peacocks live, and a rose garden, both of which I hope to find soon.

And if I’m not at the park, there’s tons of shopping--cheap shopping at that. Ever heard of a store called Primark? Because I never had, but it’s already becoming my new favorite place to shop. It has everything I could possibly need in it, and it’s all cute and cheap. There are also stores I could easily find at home, like Sephora and Adidas. I’ve also found numerous restaurants I never expected to find in Europe, such as KFC, Dunkin’ Donuts, and Steak n Shake. I’ve come to find that they have almost every fast food chain that we have in the States. While I don’t plan on eating at them often, it is nice to know that I’ll have the option of having comfort food from home if I feel like I need it.

Shopping and del Buen Retiro aren’t the only things to do here, though. About a minute walk from the apartment is the Prado Museum, a huge museum that I haven’t been to yet but plan on going more than once. There are hundreds and museums and art galleries in Madrid, and I can’t wait to find out which ones are my favorites. There are also festivities constantly going on here. Just this morning I walked outside with the intention of buying a reusable water bottle only to be distracted by the sound of trumpets and drums. Walking towards the Prado I found one of the longest parades I’ve ever seen happening. I’m still not quite sure what it was; the performers were flying the Mexican flag so I believe it was Mexican festival. Whatever it was, it was so much fun. The costumes are dancing were all amazing, as you can see in photo 7.

I guess that’s all I have to update you all on right now! I’m hoping to update every Sunday, although once my class starts and I begin my work as an au pair, it may vary each week. Adios!

[restorerjourney]

FREEDOM

April 13, 2021

I slept at 9:30pm but woke up at 4:30am again. Perhaps it was because I was anticipating ending our quarantine. I can’t imagine what 14 days of quarantine is like. I usually start my morning doing my quiet time since it is literally quiet and peaceful. I usually have a lot of thoughts and prayers as well during that time. I’m not normally a morning person so this adjustment is something to get used to. 

Each room was assigned a certain time to get their rapid covid test and we all were negative! I was so relieved and immediately walked out. This quarantine not only allowed us to form a good foundation with each other, but it truly made me have a deeper gratitude for the so many things I take for granted...walking outside and enjoying the weather, the beautiful creation that is everywhere around us, SALAD, and the freedom to purchase what I needed. We decided to treat ourselves and eat downtown and wanted to get this well known sushi restaurant but we couldn’t because they were so busy and ran “Hawaian time”. For those who do not know, “Hawaiian time” is describing someone who is lax has no urgency and the total opposite of the east coast culture. This restaurant had one phone line and even when calling 20x right when they opened, when they finally picked up, ordering 3 rolls takes 2.5 hours...I was shocked and we decided to just eat at an American restaurant. I also was able to finally try Kona coffee for the first time! We went to Kona Coffee Cafe and I was able to sample so many different types and learn from the local the definition of Kona peaberries. These precious peaberries are grown on the volcanic slopes of Kona. They are expensive because they are rare and also require a lot of labor to harvest these peaberries. What you get though is the smoothest coffee I’ve ever tasted. I don’t like acidic coffee like Blue Bottle so this was perfect. Their dark chocolate covered roasted kona peaberry was amazing. I just got black macadamia nut vanilla ice coffee ( the additional flavors are natural oils added to the mixture). 

I also was reaffirmed by speaking to the local how much the locals really feared COVID because the majority lived with their elders. Yesterday all the students attended a zoom meeting where we were instructed the importance of wearing our masks when we are downtown because it is mandated by the state of Hawaii but also to respect and show love to the locals. Unfortunately YWAM last quarter did have an outbreak of 30 people, but thankfully we were able to contain it. Speaking with the local who ran the cafe, I heard her frustration of how some previous YWAMers (probably teenagers) didn't abide by the mask rule and how it can really hinder us from demonstrating the love of Christ to them. That meeting we attend really reminded me that wearing the mask was more than politics but a way to show Christ love to those around us and to represent the God that we serve. I pray that even the youth here will be obedient and despite the inconvenience to serve the locals this way. 

We then walked to the beach nearby and it was breathtaking. We sat down and just took the beauty of God’s creation in. The turquoise water, the  perfect weather we were experiencing, the clear blue sky were all perfect. I really felt that I was in Hawaii and I could not stop staring at the waters. On our way home we grabbed lunch at this American bar/grill restaurant since we didn’t have much time. I got a spinach salad with MahiMahi ( it was dry but I didn't’ care because it was VEGGIES). We also tried gelato at Gypsea Gelato for the first time. I got passion fruit and toasted coconut with chocolate shavings. It was really good and there we ran into the other team members that we haven’t met since we were quarantined. It was nice to see that the girls in our team were all truly sweet and kind to each other. I can see us getting along and I look forward to what God has in store for us. We realized soon that we had to meet back at the base to our work duty (which was the sustainable farm). Literally since we were downtown, we were DOWNTOWN..meaning the base was uphill. I quickly grabbed watermelon drinks for my other roomies who had one more day of quarantine and we ran up the hill. Since I’ve been out of shape, I was dying going up that hill. It was also pretty sunny and wearing that mask going up 5 flights of stairs was torture. We quickly dropped off our belongings, changed clothes, and went to the sustainable farm.

Thankfully we made it on time! I was sweating like a pig but I was so glad we were able to respect their schedule. Let me tell you about the farm.. It is amazing… I am astonished how everything is not wasted and the creative ways they utilize every component to make this base sustainable. I absolutely love their mission theme which is to train students the importance of sustainability, how to steward these gifts to teach underserved countries how to also become self-sustaining, and to feed the homeless here in Kona. All vegetables grown here are used to feed the students. They have sheep, pigs, rabbits, fish, and chicken but they are used to educate how to raise animals. One rule that we had to remember was that the animals are kind and we need to treat them with respect. If there is any misbehaving animal, they will be offered to the locals who can provide a donation and more likely will be eaten. 

We also get to learn the basics of aquaponics which was really cool and something you won’t really learn elsewhere. I pray that this experience will help me to appreciate food that is put at the table, the importance of knowing how to steward what God has provided. There were 6 restorer team members ( Winnie, Chloe, Chlo, Eunhye, Yaedam, and KC) and there were 6 other students who were part of a christian graduate farming sustainability program. 

Side note: Chloe changed her name to Chlo because there were 2 Chloes LOL. What a funny kid...this is my spunky roomie btw.

What’s funny though is that I had an epiphany why I was placed in the Restorer program with a bunch of Koreans. I focused on how it would benefit me, but little did I know how I was also sent to help translate for the other restorer students since I was the most fluent Korean American. Yes, me. I am surprised and my friends are probably laughing while reading this but the other students are so encouraging saying that I am doing a good job that it motivates me to really try my best. We were all given chores to do and I picked feeding the chicken and picking their eggs. Did you know chickens lay different colored eggs based on the color of the ears? Yes chicken has ears and earlobes LOL. I did not know. I saw pale blue and brown eggs for the first time. I will also help raise the rabbits and we have one male rabbit, 2 large female rabbits, and a bunch of teenager rabbits. Each day, one rabbit gets to run around the garden while the rest are caged and at the end of our shift we have to catch the rabbit LOL. I will one day catch the rabbit with my bare hands. We also have sheep, dogs, and cats all over this farm hanging out with us! 

A lot of us wore shorts so we were a buffet for the mosquitos so now we know long sleeves and pants are much needed. After orientation we went to the sustainable garden and helped reuse the pots that held the harvested cabbages and sort out roots, the pots, and the rocks. Tired, covered in bug bites, bug spray, sweat, and sunscreen, we walked back weary but excited to see how much we would learn. I’m glad to meet the other team members and to get to know them more as well. My roomies and I missed dinner at the cafeteria since it is still closed and they were packing them which we had to pick up so Winnie and I went downtown again to ABC to pick up dinner. We picked up oranges, egg sandwiches, and water. The sink water even with the strongest brita filter tastes pretty bad. It’s because the island is covered by salt water so it’s harder than other areas. Chloe stayed behind since she was working with the pigs that she voluntarily chose to do. Although she seems girly, she has a spunky side that is ready for challenging adventures which I love about her. Winnie is similar to me in that we love to exercise so we carried our groceries all the way up and enjoyed the exercise. Winnie and I had some one-on-one time which was nice and after we ate dinner, Chloe and I went to go see the sunset while Winnie showered. Although they are literally 20 (yes I feel like a great grandma), I am amazed at their maturity level and how it was so easy to connect with them. I was so blessed to hear that Chloe before she came to YWAM prayed earnestly for one of her roomies to be an American. I told her I prayed for diversity LOL, but perhaps it’s a different kind of diversity that God has in mind.

After seeing our first beautiful sunset, I showered (the water is still intermittent cold and hot) and we did our first load of laundry. Now we are working on our homework which is assigned for tomorrow. Wow this is the most I’ve written and I hope I can look back and remember such a wonderful day it was. We walked 17,327 steps. During quarantine it was 4,000 LOL. I will be sleeping well tonight :) 

Prayer request

Tomorrow our homework requires us answering very vulnerable questions to our team. This will be emotionally taxing and as much as I am looking forward to it, I am also nervous. Please pray that God would hold our hearts as we share probably the most deepest thoughts and events to each other and that this vulnerability will be sealed in His name so that this would be the first step of healing. 

Mahalo,

Alicia

[myaekingheart]

I’m honestly feeling so goddamn tired right now but I really don’t want to go to sleep. Not yet, anyways. It’s the same cycle I always go through, with my mind running on overdrive so that even if my eyelids are heavy and my body is lethargic, my brain keeps pushing me to stay awake. Plus, I also feel kind of...off. Which means no matter how tired I am, sleeping is not a great option. There’s nothing quite like laying in a silent, dark room to really make your mind wander and I know exactly where it’s going to go if I give it the chance right now. It’s going to contemplate every worst case scenario about why I feel weird and spiral me into some sort of stupid panic attack which is certainly not ideal in the slightest. I don’t know what, exactly, is making me feel weird but I know there are definitely a few options on the table.

1) The dishes. My boyfriend asked me to do the dishes while he was at work today. I did not. I have a valid excuse (the cat ripped my hand up yesterday in a flea collar incident and it’s been sensitive ever since) but that doesn’t mean I don’t still feel guilty about it. I made it a point to avoid doing the dishes at all costs because of my hand (and it doesn’t help that I absolutely hate doing the dishes regardless) but at the same time, I was nervous that my boyfriend was going to be upset with me when he got home from work and found that they were still just as they were when he left. Luckily he wasn’t upset (or at least as far as I could tell) but a part of me still felt/feels guilty about it, like I should’ve done it anyways.

2) My mom. I had been planned to call my parents tonight ever since I woke up because I felt like I hadn’t called them in a minute and wanted to say hi and see how they were doing. I waited until after my boyfriend left for work, then called my mother on Messenger so we could video chat. It rings for five minutes and then says she’s unavailable. No sweat. It’s happened before. I figured she was probably just in the bathroom or something. It was 8:30pm so I didn’t dare think she had gone to bed already. She doesn’t go to sleep that early. Well, she texts me and lo and behold she says her and my dad are going to bed because my dad is really tired. Makes sense. He works really long shifts and has to be up at, like, 4:30am. I told her not to sweat it and that I didn’t want to bug them if they were tired but then she insists I call her, so I do. Everything’s fine for the first .25 seconds until I tell her about the incident yesterday with the cat and the flea collar and show her my hand. She immediately breaks down in hysterical tears. I assure her that I’m fine, that it doesn’t hurt that much anymore, and ask her if she’s alright (because honestly, hysterical tears is a little bit of an over-exaggerated reaction if you ask me). She explains how she’s had an emotional day because her and her best friend went to go see this movie about these parents trying to stop their kids from losing their virginity on prom night and it reminded her of me. Not the virginity part, but she said there was a mother-daughter relationship in it where they were best friends and did everything together and the girl got accepted to this college and hid it from her mom but then the mom found out and started crying because she realized her daughter was going to be moving away and they wouldn’t have that relationship anymore and it reminded my mom of me. I get that, I really do, and I understand why she’d be emotional about it, but at the same time she’s just so goddamn overemotional. She was crying so hard that she had to hand the phone to my dad and I didn’t see her or speak to her for the entire rest of the call. This was probably the most palatable part of this whole thing, honestly, because, I mean, at least my dad is sane. I really like talking with him these days. It’s casual. There’s never any crying or whining about how much he misses me. I know he does, but at the same time he’s the kind of parent who knows when to let go and I think he’s really proud of me for doing so well in school and starting my own life and chasing my dreams and all that fluffy shit. So yeah, talking to him was really nice. We didn’t speak for too long because he was really tired and he did have to be in bed early for work in the morning so by 9pm we were saying goodnight and talk to you later. He was sitting in his room getting ready to turn in and I asked him if I could at least say goodnight to my mom before we hung up. I didn’t even know where the fuck she had gone but apparently she was in bed perhaps asleep though my dad couldn’t quite tell. He asked her if she wanted to say goodnight to me and she didn’t answer for a few minutes, and then she let him turn the camera onto her and I am honestly not surprised by the completely indecent vision of her I saw. It’s the same sort of lens I always see her through when she’s had too much to drink and is overemotional and an absolute fucking mess: the red, puffy face, the eyes so narrow they look like slits, the fact that she had already taken her shirt off and was censoring herself with the blanket. I hate when she’s like this, and I know it’s partially influenced by her goddamn best friend. I don’t know, man, I just always feel bothered every time this happens. I moved 300 miles away to get away from this shit, and yet here I am over six months later still getting pulled back into it. I asked my dad how much she had to drink. He said he didn’t know, that he was at work. He didn’t seem all too concerned with her, but maybe he’s just used to it or maybe it’s just his hallmark calm demeanor. I don’t know. Either way, she’s ridiculous and I hate when this happens. It’s like every time I build up some hope that things are getting better and she’s getting a grip on this, she goes and completely destroys it and sends me right back to cynical square one. I should honestly just stop trying to have faith in her at this point.

3) Food. My stomach’s been feeling kind of off today, probably because I binged on Oreos earlier. Either way, I’m in one of those weird moods where I’m kind of hungry when I should be but I don’t feel like eating whether it’s because I feel bloated or crampy or what. I don’t know, maybe I’m just having an off day. I woke up around 2pm and spent the entire day doing laundry which isn’t all too labor intensive but I still found myself tired out from it. I feel like I haven’t had a lot of energy lately, though. Or at least today and maybe yesterday. I go through these spells of feeling really pepped up and sharp-eyed, like I‘m finally getting out of my fog, but somehow I always seem to find my way back. Not that I mind my fog all that much. It feels kind of safe and hazy here. When I’m bright-eyed and fully awake, everything looks too sharp and feels too amplified and it can be daunting and kind of anxiety inducing. But then again, sometimes the fog isn’t a great thing. Tuesday I took allergy pills that warned for potential drowsiness but I didn’t think much of it until I was nearly falling asleep every five minutes in class and still couldn’t breathe. I feel like I‘m in a similar haze right now, exhausted but fighting to stay awake. I feel like if I go to sleep, though, I’m going to set my mind spiraling and food is one of those concerns. When I woke up, I had a decent little breakfast of cinnamon toast and a mandarin orange cup that satisfied me enough. The toast is usual but the mandarin orange cup was a treat. Then I set myself up for failure. I broke out the Oreos. I finished off the family size box. I’ve really taken a liking to Oreos lately but they’re not always the best on my stomach. They set off my IBS if I eat too many and that was partially the case today. Eventually I had to run to the bathroom but it wasn’t for a flare-up so much as for an urgency that was painlessly relieved. My stomach has felt kind of crampy all day since, though, but not necessarily IBS cramps nor even period cramps. It’s more of just a general ache. My boyfriend got off work at around midnight and said earlier he’d get us some food on the way home. I was a little hungry beforehand so I binged on cheese balls and a pack of fruit snacks which was fine but it wasn’t after this that I started to feel kind of bloated and overall just “ugh.” I didn’t really eat much of my dinner because of this, but I felt bad about it. I didn’t want him to know I wasn’t that hungry. I didn’t even know I wasn’t that hungry until the food was sitting in front of me expecting to be eaten. It was hotter than usual, too. Normally when we pick up food from this restaurant, it’s lukewarm by the time we get home but tonight, it was burning hot so I had to skirt around it for a moment lest I completely scorch my mouth. I might even go so far as to say it even tasted kind of weird tonight, too, but that might just be my anxiety talking. Either way, at this point I just feel bloated and sleepy and kind of weird and I just want to stay up all night until this feeling goes away so I don’t have to deal with the unending thoughts I’m no doubt going to get bombarded with when I do finally climb into bed. I don’t know, man. I guess it’s just one of those things I kind of have to wade through.

[transizzyhands]

Do I go get food or go back to sleep? I just woke up from a roughly 3-hour nap, it's 4:30pm, I haven't eaten since around 9pm last night, and aside from the nap, I haven't slept since 1:15pm yesterday I'm both hungry and sleepy

[thatbipolargirl]

3-1-2020

It has been awhile since I’ve typed anything on here, but I thought maybe I might be getting more of an audience since my posts on Facebook are getting more attention.  I don’t know.  Maybe not.  I should make more of an effort to make more entries on here anyway, so my thoughts and actions on this earth are not forgotten.  And there’s that deadly word “should.”  I should be doing a lot of things.  Everyone tells me so.  I’ve lived in a world of should my whole life.  I’m trapped in a jail of should.  My brain is a constant ticker tape of should. I should quit smoking.  I should start exercising.  I should go back on the keto diet (”but, Carla, you were doing so well, you really should!”).  I should clean the bathroom instead of mindlessly watching CNN and scrolling through my Facebook feed.  I should read more.  I should quit shopping on Amazon at 4:00am in the morning for things I really don’t need.  I should organize my craft room because it looks like it belongs on the show “Hoarders,” and there certainly isn’t any room for me to do any crafts in there.  i should do crafts more.  I should plan out weekly menus, go grocery shopping for those menus, and cook meals daily based on those menus.  Gosh, wouldn’t that be nice?  I really should do that.  Jeremy would really love that, and I know he thinks I should cook for him more.  It would be easier to stick to keto that way too.  Why am I so obsessed with food?  I should write a whole entry about food.  I’m hungry.  I haven’t eaten all day and it is a few minutes after 9:00pm.  Of course, I slept until 1:30.  I should have gotten up earlier, but I took 8mgs of Ativan last night because I had a minor panic attack while driving home from Kansas City with my mom.  We had seen Gene Watson in concert at Ameristar Casino, and I had a really bad dizzy spell while driving home.  I pulled over, the dizziness went away, and I started driving again.  I should have just let my mom drive, but she doesn’t like driving at night.  She’s having cataract surgery next week, and her night vision isn’t the greatest.  Anyway, about five or ten minutes later, I started having thoughts about our blood smeared on the roadway. Just scattered and smeared over both lanes of the highway, like a freshly killed deer dragged by a big rig.  It was so vivid and so real, that I had to pull over again.  My mom drove the rest of the way home.  I should have just gathered my shit and dealt with it, instead of making my eighty-one year old mother drive that far, that late, in the dark, but I couldn’t...or wouldn’t.  I took two Ativan (4mgs) in the car and two more when I got home with my regular nightly medications, so that’s why I slept until 1:30pm.  I haven’t slept that late in a very, very long time.  Usually I’m up by 9:00am; earlier some days. So anyway, my whole daily routine has been fucked up.  Not that I really have a “routine.”  I should have, but I really don’t.  I’m one of those people who make a lot of plans and a lot of lists and mark everything down on calendars, but the days come and go and nothing gets done and tomorrow becomes yesterday and next week becomes last month and shit still doesn’t get done.  And sometimes I really hate myself for that.  I have zero follow-thru.  I cancel plans last minute all the time.  I get anxious or nervous and I find reasons to stay home.  I make excuse after excuse after excuse to not go.  And I know I should go; its good to get out of the house ans socialize with people.  But most of the time I don’t.  I stay at home and sit in my bed and watch re-runs of sitcoms on television (or the latest episode of Judge Judy).  I’m getting hungrier, and I need to eat something.  I really should.  

[twochunkyqueers]

Trying to lose weight and working for a certain delicious Californian burger place is proving really difficult. I caved to my cravings yesterday and got a double single with the bread as apprised to the hamburger protein style I’ve been trying to eat for the last week or so. When I took the first bite I swear to god it was the best thing I’ve eaten all week. CLEAN (Well cleaner than usual) EATING IS HARD! After that I felt pretty defeated and went home and really didn’t feel like finishing my steps for the day especially since I forgot to track them at work. I got home with 1000 steps and thought I was just going to call it a day. Knowing how I operate, I knew it’d be my downfall in this whole thing. Once I fudge up once I just give up. Anyway… It rolls around 7:30pm and I’m feeling anxious as hell. I decided that going out for my walk would help. Once I got outside I didn’t walk. I ran! I went about a mile or so until I felt like I was going to die. The last time I ran was in high school about two teas or so ago. It was rough! Never the less I completed a 12 minute mile! It’s not fantastic, but I was so proud of myself. It was only a minute off my personal record! I walked my final 3 miles to complete my steps for the day and it was the most rewarding feeling. I haven’t felt good or proud of myself like that in so long I can’t even remember when the last time was. This ain’t just s a journey in weight loss and physical health, but it’s beginning to work on my mental health as well in ways that I haven’t experienced in even five years of therapy. I’m very excited for what my future holds and how far I’ll go during this journey! XO Kristen