#I have two more new year-related posts I plan on posting very soon

[queenimmadolla]

𝐌𝐀𝐆𝐈𝐂𝐀𝐋 𝐌𝐘𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐈𝐀

(eddie munson x secret admirer!reader)

𝐦𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭 • eddie edit © @fefemunson! • ao3

Summary: After four long years of pining, it’s high time you tell your crush you like him and quite possibly your last chance to, luckily there’s no better time for love confessions than Valentine’s Day. If only you hadn’t chosen to do so anonymously, because you’re pretty sure Eddie Munson is hoping his secret admirer is someone else.

Warnings: pining, angst, misunderstandings, very brief (blink and you miss it) descriptions of oncoming panic attack (doesn't happen), Heather Holloway being a sweetie, and a whole lot of fluff

authors note: no, you're not imagining things. i'm reposting a story i already have up. unfortunately, i seem to have an anti who has been flagging anything of mine that gains traction as content that it is not so it's hidden to those who don't have the settings on (most people) and goes to die away, never to be interacted with again. they're attempting to do the same to Magical Mysteria, as they had the original flagged and, therefore, hidden. because everyone seemed to really relate to reader and enjoyed reading this particular fic, i've decided to give that anti the finger, so here's a repost.

word count: 10k

You stood posted by a row of lockers, peaking around the corner of the hall to watch as the longtime object of your affections laughed at something one of his friends said.

“Are you stalking him again?”

You jumped, clutching your biology book to your chest as you swiveled around to face Heather, your best friend.

“Geez!” You hissed out, voice low as you checked to make sure you hadn’t attracted his attention.

But it’s you, so of course you hadn’t. Eddie was still leaning up against his locker and chatting away, face framed by the mane he called his hair. His curls were defined much more than usual—clearly he’d washed his hair before school which meant he must have been up early. Why did you know that????

“I’m not stalking him,” you grumbled and Heather giggled. “I’m just observing him.”

“Well, stop observing him and go talk to him.” She nudged your shoulder, giving you a reassuring smile. 

“I’m gonna—,” You answered with false bravado that soon wavered, “. . . eventually. Look, I have a plan. Okay, today is a new day, Valentine’s Day and the perfect day for romance. No more watching from the sidelines─”

Heather coughed out a stalking, followed by another cough, all of which you ignored.

“No more quietly pining, I’m telling him how I feel.”

Heather raised her eyebrows, tongue clicking. 

“Let me get this straight, you’re not only going to actually exchange words with him, you’re actually going to tell Eddie Munson about your feelings?”

Your heart fluttered just at the mention of him.

Edward Wayne Munson. Eddie.

You’d had a crush on him since your freshman year of high school, and contrary to your best friend’s earlier statement, you had exchanged words with him already. Sorta. Basically.

Freshman year you’d ate shit in the hallway, tripping over literally nothing and all your belongings had scattered, he’d stopped walking to help you pick your things up before he was off again. It wasn’t much conversation, but he did say something about those invisible rocks people left lying around.

Then your sophomore year, he’d sat behind you with his club at the school’s mandatory pep rally. One of his friends had accidentally jostled you and Heather a little too roughly when he was finding his seat and Eddie had apologized on his behalf.

Then last year he’d held the cafeteria door open for you and your friends when you slipped in. That time, you’d been the one to thank him and he had said you’re welcome. Almost unprompted!

So, yeah. Maybe you were a little delusional, it didn’t matter though. What mattered was you were running out of time. 

Somehow, Eddie had managed to fail the past two years, allowing you to catch up to him but that meant you were now a senior as well. You’d let the other chances to approach him pass you by because you were too scared of rejection, this was your last chance.

The college acceptance letter you’d received at the start of the week also spurred your bravery, if he rejected you, you only had a few months left until you were on your way to California, there’d be all those states between the two of you. 

You had nothing to lose, so today was gonna be the day.

“Yes,” you took a deep breath, slowly exhaling as the determination sank deep into your bones. “I’m gonna tell him.”

“How are you gonna do that?” She cocked her head, the curls of her side ponytail bouncing.

“I’m glad you asked, my friend.” You grabbed her hand, dragging her down the hall to your partially opened locker. You pulled the door open fully to reveal a bouquet of roses, set on top of your books.

Her face wrinkled up in confusion, “You bought yourself flowers again?”

“No.” You glared at her, a hand scratching your head as you hissed out through gritted teeth, “And we promised not to bring that up anymore—these are for Eddie.”

Heather perked up at that, a hand resting over her chest as she fawned, “Dude, that is so cute! When are you gonna give them to him?”

“That’s the thing, I’m not actually going to give them to him directly. I need your help. You’ve got history with him, yeah?”

You already knew she did so it didn’t surprise you when she nodded. You slipped one rose from the bouquet and handed it to her. 

“Can you leave this on his desk?” 

“Sure! Wow, I can’t believe I get to be part of your love story,” she marveled, twirling the stem between her fingertips.

God, you hoped it’d be a love story and not a tragedy.

“And these are for you.” You pulled out a smaller bouquet of pink roses, and Heather just about burst into tears.

The two of you had been best friends since middle school, and often spent your free time watching corny teen movies, usually living through the main characters of the romance ones. You’d had a couple of almost-boyfriends, in the end you hadn’t been interested in them enough to accept when they’d try to make it official. And Heather simply hadn’t caught the eye of anyone, which was ridiculous to you considering how pretty and nice she was, so you were usually her valentine on Valentine’s Day. This was the first time you actually got her flowers instead of a bunch of chocolates to eat the night away, you’d figured she deserved them. 

She’d had a crush on Steve Harrington, but he hadn’t noticed her and ended up dating and getting dumped by Nancy Wheeler. Then he’d dated every other girl except her. You feared your non-existent relationship with Eddie might go the same way.

“Dude,” Heather yanked you in for a hug, squeezing you to the point you thought your ribs might be bruised.

“Uhm. Heather. Ow.”

“Oh, sorry.” She released you, holding you by your shoulders, “Okay, so I just give it to him?”

“No, no, no, no, no. There will be no interactions. Just leave it on his desk.”

“Whatever you say, boss.”

You were about to reply when the first bell cut you off and threw you into a panic, nudging Heather in the direction of the classroom so she could beat Eddie there. Heather took off running once she realized the reason for your worry, only you both failed to remember Eddie was late to everything. 

You reluctantly made your way to your first period, plagued by thoughts of Eddie’s reaction to the first rose.

Would he like it? Oh, you hoped he liked it.

What if he thought it was some prank? What if he threw it away? Would he do the same to the rest?

Oh, well. There was no backing out now.

Your carefully thought out plan was put into action. You’d made sure to play sick the last 15 minutes of every class to get an excuse note to the nurse, only you didn’t go to the nurse. Instead, you ran around leaving a rose in Eddie’s various hang outs. One at the creepy old bench you knew he did business at. Two roses with the stems placed through the slits of his locker, three on his windshield wipers, one of the younger students in your art class was in Hellfire with him and after swearing him to secrecy, Will had promised to deliver three to Eddie personally, without revealing your identity.  

During lunch, you found yourself behind the stage of the cafeteria, in part of the drama department. It’s where Hellfire took place. 

You’d been there a handful of times, only when your curiosity for the metalhead got a little too overwhelming for you and you wanted to feel closer to him without having to face him. It was only ever set up on Fridays, the day Eddie got to school early enough to do so. 

You made your way over to sit in the chair closest to his throne, casting it a couple of nervous glances.

This would be where you left the last rose, so of course, everything about the set up, the throne had to look daunting to you now; a representation of how you were seeing Eddie as your confession grew nearer. If things didn’t go as planned, it’d be the last time you could come here.

The thought made your stomach hurt, a large void beginning to form there. 

The last rose was much too personal to leave just anywhere, where someone without a key to the room would find it. No one but the Hellfire club would occupy this area today. Attached to the rose with a ribbon was a note with a simple message that meant more to you than you cared to admit. You’d written it when you first came up with your plan at the start of the week and had been debating on whether or not to sign your name since then. 

The answer should’ve been obvious, right? This whole thing was to let Eddie know how you felt about him, and your romantic intentions were clear with the red roses. This note would finish implying the rest. And if you wanted Eddie to know it was you who admired him,  you just had to write your name.

Yeah, simple as that.

You clicked the pen in your grasp, placing it just over the paper. 

You wavered, licking your lips as you tried to convince yourself to just own your goddamn name. That’s all you had to do. Write on the paper.

Just write on the paper.

Your hand was beginning to shake, and with a heavy heart, you realized your name wouldn’t be going on this note.

You weren’t brave enough for that. You set your purple pen down, staring down at the words written in pink ink before you rolled the paper up, making sure the ribbon was secured (you’d used a hole puncher to slip the ribbon through) and left it on the seat of the throne before scurrying out of the room as fast as you could.

—

Eddie was at a loss, completely stupefied.

When he’d arrived at his history class, after having mentally prepared himself for the onslaught of boredom he’d face, he was surprised to find a single rose on his desk. By surprised, he meant incredibly suspicious. A glance around the room confirmed he wasn’t being watched, everyone was gossiping about Emmy Switcher’s upcoming party, so he’d settled into his seat and marveled at it.

Eddie wasn’t one to ever really get things on Valentine’s Day, not counting the mandatory valentine’s cards in elementary and middle school. The last time he’d gotten a card was his first senior year, and it had been a prank by a couple of girls on the softball team and their boyfriends. Embarrassed the shit out of him. The following Valentine’s Day he’d faked being sick to avoid falling victim again—god, he craved affection so much it made him pathetic enough to still hope for something gross and cheesy to happen to him. 

A rose was harmless though, right? Unless it was poisoned or something. Eddie lifted it to his nose, but all he could pick up was the seductive floral scent and when he didn’t immediately pass out from chloroform, he figured it was just a rose.

He glanced around again in vain, hoping someone would somehow stick out and when no one did, he held it in his grasp, rough fingertips stroking over the soft petals for the duration of the class.

He’d been stunned when he arrived at his locker to find two roses hanging out of it. A few people were staring at him as he carefully pulled them from their place, but they looked more curious rather than shy or mischievous. He had a feeling whoever was leaving the roses for him wasn’t around. 

He refused to leave them in his locker, the stems clutched in his hand as he went about his day and found more. Eddie was more than proud to display them, somewhat smug at the attention they were garnishing him.

Yeah, fuckers. Someone finally liked him. Eat shit.

He’d spent his English class convincing himself he’d never find out exactly who this someone was. He was pretty fucking stressed after that. He tried to come up with a roster of sorts, girls he thought might be interested in him enough to maybe leave him pretty flowers and woo him right out of his Reeboks.

He’d only been able to come up with four—impressive—but his first pick he was quick to scribble out. He hadn’t had a decent interaction with her and he figured it was creepy of him to put her at the top of the list all because of his wishful thinking. 

The second girl listed was possible, maybe. Chrissy Cunningham. He’d had a crush on her for as long as he could remember since she was always nice to him. She’d dumped Jason a couple of months ago and he’d been dealing to her for a short amount of time, but she seemed pretty flirty to him. Although, flattery did work on him.

The third name made him nervous, and not in a good way. Tina Sawyer. They’d both got pretty drunk at her Halloween party and hooked up in her bathroom but she avoided him like the plague afterwards, obviously embarrassed about interacting with him, which was typical for the lot of Hawkins.

He’d been sure it was a drunken mistake but sometimes, he’d catch her staring at him, and she didn’t look all that disgusted with him.

The last name on the short list was that of Tammy Thompson. She had made her interest in Eddie pretty clear his junior year, always trying to sit behind him in classes so she could play with his hair. Unfortunately Tammy was very, for the lack of better words, aggressive with her affections. He’d made out with her once and it had been sloppy and messy in the most unattractive of ways. It was like tonguing a dog.. Then he remembered she’d actually been able to graduate, unlike him, so he was spared. 

By lunch, Eddie was ready to try to figure out who his secret admirer was. Out of the two remaining girls on his list, he was leaning more towards Chrissy, who he felt wouldn’t be ashamed to hold his hand in public. 

He and his lunchbox full of drugs—and some snacks—made their way to the Hellfire lunch table where he spent a significant amount of time studying the two girls.

“Uh, are you okay, Eddie?”

Eddie glanced up at the concerned face of Will Byers, who’d arrived much later than the rest of the guys and Stephanie, one of the two girls in Hellfire. The question drew the attention of the rest of the table and Eddie internally sighed.

“Yeah, I’m fine—what are those?” Eddie asked, eyes honed in on the roses resting on Will’s tray.

The younger teen handed them over, “A girl told me to give you these.”

Eddie felt his heart skip a beat, “You know who she is?”

Will nodded and before Eddie could demand a name, he rushed, “I’ve been sworn to secrecy!”

Eddie scowled, carefully setting aside his roses so they wouldn’t be involved in his annoyance. 

“Byers, I’m gonna level with you. I’ve been in this miserable prison for six long years. While I’ve had my fair share of hookups, I have not ever had a girl like me enough to leave me roses and do cute shit before. And I fear I never will again. That’s why I’m actually gonna need you to tell me who it is so I can have a girlfriend by the end of what is supposed to be the most god awful romantic day of the year. ‘Kay?”

Eddie’s eyebrows dart up, face set in an intimidating glower but Will remembers how scared you looked when you trusted him with this task. He also knows, very well, how it feels to love someone without them ever knowing because you fear what their response will be. He’d also seen Eddie eyeing both Chrissy and Tina.

Will knew what it was like to have that special person interested in someone else, too. So, he’d protect your secret.

“I swore.”

Eddie groaned, head dipping forward in a brief moment of defeat before he slammed his fist on the table, making the other occupants jump. 

“Whatever, I’ll find her myself.” Just as Eddie stands, an idea occurs to him. Will said he wouldn’t tell him who it was, but the youngest Byers hadn’t said he wouldn’t tell him who it wasn’t, “Is it Tina?”

Will shakes his head, nose wrinkling. Nothing against her, she just wasn’t the nicest to him or his friends. Not the meanest, still.

Eddie breathes out a sigh, mumbling an oh, thank god as he makes his way to the cafeteria doors. That only left one possibility, and he was due to meet up with her in just five minutes. He couldn’t fight the grin off his face.

── 

Your heart was racing a mile a minute, having witnessed everything transpire at the Hellfire table.

You’d selected your lunch table four years ago because of the perfect view of Eddie it provided you, but right then it was killing you. You’d ruined your manicure, picking aggressively at the polish as you watched Will and Eddie, breathing out a sigh of relief when it looked like Will hadn’t revealed your identity.

Eddie hadn’t seemed too happy about that.

Then he stormed out and you fought very hard with yourself to not follow after him because then Heather would be right and you’d be a stalker.

“Regret it yet?” Heather asked after she’d swallowed a bite of her sandwich. 

“No.” You sorta lied. Yeah, you kind of regretted it but at the same time, knowing Eddie wouldn’t have to let you down gently made you less anxious. Besides, it wasn’t like you could just climb up the stage and duck past the curtain leading to the hellfire room without one of it’s members spotting you from their table. They’d tell Eddie in a heartbeat, especially if they found out the last rose and that damn note was there.

“Sure,” Heather drawled, glancing over her shoulder as you picked at your food, appetite suddenly gone. 

Maybe you really should have written your name on that love note. 

“Well, I hope you mean it, because Dream Girl is on her way to meet Ice Cream.” Your head snapped up at the mention of Chrissy Cunningham and Eddie’s code names you’d given them so both you and Heather were free to talk without either of them suspecting anything. You referred to Chrissy as Dream Girl because you’d known all about Eddie’s crush on her (while Heather had been depressed about Steve and Nancy, you’d eaten your weight in ice cream over Eddie and Chrissy’s more than friendly interactions with each other, which had nothing to do with Eddie’s code name—he was ‘ice cream’ because you wanted to lick him all over).

Sure enough, you looked over Heather’s shoulder, following her gaze to see Chrissy bidding her friends goodbye before she walked right out of the doors Eddie had pushed past minutes ago and as you watched her exit through the double doors, something inside you withers and dies a bit.

You knew Eddie sold to her (gave her a discount because she was pretty and because of their flirting, hearing him say that made you want to drive a knife right through your chest), you and Heather had followed them out a couple of times which is how you were both aware of the flirtationship.

After the first time you’d spied on them, the two of you had gone back to your home where Heather held a mock funeral for you. Now, you wished it had been a real one because you were sure Eddie had not only loved your roses, he also assumed they were from Chrissy. They would send him right into her arms at that shitty ass bench. And when he’d get a hold of the love note, well, you’d be the reason behind why Eddie and Chrissy would be hand in hand come Monday, canoodling by their lockers and kissing like no one else was watching. All the things Eddie should have been doing with you.

You should have signed your name on the fucking note.

─

Eddie had paced a pathway, disturbing the mounds of fallen leaves surrounding the picnic table. 

His stuff, another rose he’d found waiting for him included, was on the table and he’d taken off his jacket, despite the chill of the February air. He was working himself up in his head, overheating in the process.

“Eddie?”

His head shot around, grinning as Chrissy—who apparently left him roses—approached him, face broken out in a smile.

“Hey, Chris.” Eddie’s heart was racing a mile a minute, palms sweaty as he rested them over his hips, then quickly realized he looked stupid so he crossed them instead.

She laughed at his nerves with absolutely no malice and they sat down at the bench, getting down to business. She’d been about to hand him a twenty dollar bill after he slid her the ziploc bag of nugs, but he held up his hand.

“On the house.”

“Eddie, it’s always on the house. I feel bad.”

“Then stop.” He emphasized the demand with bulging eyes, smirking when she giggled. She had to like him, right?

Eddie tried to be discreet about it, plucking one of the roses from his growing pile. He played with the stem, even sniffed the petals again in hopes she’d comment about it, maybe look a little excited about it or just give him any sort of reaction to indicate it had been her.

Chrissy was too busy moving things aside in her backpack to make room for the baggy. When she finally did look back up, she smiled, but gave no hint she was even familiar with them.

“Ooh, pretty flowers. Where’d you get those?”

Was she playing coy?

“Uh, someone’s been leaving them for me all around school.” Was it you?

Chrissy’s face lit up and Eddie thought it was finally the moment of truth.

“That’s so sweet! Do you know who it is? Or is it like a secret admirer sort of deal?”

Evidently, not the moment of truth. She had to be toying with him, trying to prolong the reveal. Because if it wasn’t her, he was out of ideas. And he really, really didn’t want to be out of ideas. Not when there was someone out there, maybe thinking about him.

“I actually have no idea who it is,” he sighed out, hoping, if it was her, she’d just put him out of his damn misery already.

Chrissy glanced down at the table and Eddie perked up. Nerves? Was she finally gonna come out with it?

“It wasn’t me, Eddie…but, I wish it had been.”

Eddie didn’t know what to say, mouth dropped open a little as his eyebrows quirked up in surprise.

Okay. Hadn’t been expecting that. He was expecting a yes it was me or a no it wasn’t me but not Chrissy confirming it hadn’t been her while also telling him she liked him. 

“So, you haven’t been leaving them for me?”

Chrissy shook her head and reached across the table to place her smaller hand over his, palm warm against his skin. Eddie’s eyes squeezed shut as he groaned, head falling forward to rest against the table.

“Eddie?” Chrissy asked, concern lacing her voice.

He let out a very long sigh, a little miffed at how messy this whole thing had gotten. Now, there was his, Chrissy’s and someone else’s feelings in the mix. Christ.

“‘M’sorry, Chrissy.” Eddie sat up straight, face grim as he slowly pulled his hand out from underneath hers. “You’re great, fantastic, actually. You’re really nice and really pretty, but… I’ve been going crazy all day, trying to figure out who’s behind these.”

He gestures to the roses at his side, the sight of them filling him with an intense wave of longing.

“It’s been like years since I’ve gotten anything with real meaning behind it for any occasion—” he wasn’t counting the hellfire club or Wayne, referring to romantic intentions—“let alone Valentine’s Day, and someone in this school seems to be thinking about me.” 

Eddie thought about what it must have taken to do something like this, it may have seemed like a trivial thought, something simple to others. He knew it wasn’t. He had no idea who it was, but he put himself in their position. They had to know enough about him to know his schedule, where he spent time, and then make the time to leave them in those spots just before he got there. 

He’d spent the time waiting for Chrissy considering the anonymity of it. On the chance it wasn’t her, there was someone else in the school who was too afraid to approach him directly. He’d thought it might be out of fear of being seen with him, seen doing anything remotely romantic with him. Then, why even bother? They had to be afraid of his reaction, it’s what he would be nervous about if the positions were flipped.

And god, he’d never felt more alive before, more seen and all it took was a couple of roses. He felt like those fawning girls in John Hughes movies. 

“Before today, I never would have approached you about this, you know? I know we flirt, but I never would have been brave enough to cross that line.” He admitted, looking into her shiny blue eyes. Aw, man. Eddie hated making girls cry but it was true, he would have been waiting for her to make a move, or for Tina to make a move. Any of his past hookups, really. He’d have been with any of them—having craved affection and everything that came with it so bad—if they had just been the ones to initiate things on a more permanent basis. 

He would have. Past tense. They could all form a conga line and confess their undying love for him but, unless they were the one who left him the roses—the one who made him brave enough to actually go around confronting people in an attempt to seek her out—he’d let them down. 

“She made me brave, makes me feel really wanted and I don't even know who she is. It’s not you, it’s just─”

“I’m not her.” Chrissy finished for him, wiping under one of her eyes. “It’s alright, Eddie. I mean, I’m obviously a little sad, but it’s not your fault or hers. I do hope you find her, though. She’d be lucky to have you.”

She gave Eddie a sad smile, making him feel even guiltier but it’d be pretty shitty of him to try to be with her when he’d be thinking of someone else.

“Thanks, Chrissy.” Eddie stood up and gathered his things. It was clear she was upset and would probably need some time to gather herself, he didn’t want to force her to leave first or linger around and make it awkward.

He left her with a small, parting smile, relieved that he hadn’t charged her. Would have felt like a douchebag to make her pay for weed and turn her down in the span of five minutes when she’d been nothing but pleasant to him.

Eddie shook it off, determination setting in once more. Sure, he was back to the drawing board, but if all else failed, he could corner young Byers again until he finally gave him a name.

He’d come up with a pretty good list of ways he could force Will to give up the name by the time school let out and he got to the Hellfire room.

It wasn’t until he set his little bouquet and the lunchbox down (he didn’t bother with backpacks, just shoved whatever he needed in his pants pockets or the box), walking around the throne in a circle like some fucking animal because he was so restless, that he saw the rose.

The flash of white had caught his eyes and he dove down to grab it, trying to be as careful with pulling the piece of paper away from the stem of the rose, only he realized whoever left it had hole punched the thing together so he ripped the ribbon with his teeth rather than rip the note.

The ribbon was stuffed into his back pocket as he eagerly sat himself down, rose clutched in one hand and the note in his other.

Eddie,

Please excuse my lack of eloquence in this note and also in our real life encounters.

Eddie felt a shiver of excitement wash over his skin, cheeks a bright shade of pink at the confirmation he’d indeed interacted with his secret admirer before. Fuck, she’d talked to him! It made her feel even more real. 

She was a real person, someone he could probably hold hands with and kiss. Unless, this was done in a purely platonic way which would be a little fucked up. Red roses to be friends? C’mon. He read on.

I hoped you liked the flowers. I was actually debating on getting you different ones, something a little more personalized to you, but I ended up going with roses because, well, they convey romance better.

Eddie leaned over the arm of the throne, sagging back as he allowed himself to completely collapse with relief. Just for a few seconds, then his eyes were glued to the pink penmanship.

I’m trying really hard not to sound creepy because I’m totally not creepy and I know what you're thinking, ‘that’s what a creep would say’ but I swear I’m not, I just. I admire you. A lot. I have for so, so long. I admire the way you keep going, even when things are absolute shit for you, I like how you watch out for the underclassmen that come in and don’t really have anywhere to go. I like the way you dress, how pretty your hair is (even when it’s frizzy which is so unfair), how passionate you get with your rants (even though sometimes you’re an asshole about it). 

And I like your laugh I LOVE your laugh. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had what feels like the worst fucking day of my life and I’m ready to breakdown and cry and scream, but I don’t. Because I can hear you laugh your ass off at something one of your friends said in the cafeteria, by your locker or even when you’re just walking past me. And I wish I was there, laughing alongside you or making you laugh. I don’t know how your laughter makes me feel better, it just does. I get all smiley and I feel warm inside and I want to give you a hug for it, for making me feel better without even trying. 

But I can’t. You kind of scare me. Not in the mean, scary way, I’m just not sure you’ll like me. Or that it’ll go anywhere, or even if it should. 

You’re so confident, Eddie. And you’re stupid attractive (you are, and I’m sure you’re aware but I’ll go ahead and tell you I’m also physically attracted to you) and it’s so overwhelming that I can’t contain it anymore and I don’t really want to. We only have a couple of months before we’re out of here (I have a feeling this is gonna be your year, you’ll be free of this sentence, too), and I don’t want to have any regrets. The only way I’d ever regret you is by not telling you how I feel. 

So, here I am, Eddie Munson. Never thought I’d ever be confessing like this, but for the first time in my life, I feel brave. And it’s all because of you. Thank you, Eddie. I’ll be running around— dodging teachers and detention write ups— like Rocky in his training montages to get these roses to you because you deserve your flowers and I’d be delighted to give them to you today, and every single Valentine’s Day after. Actually, I want to give you even more than that. If you’ll have me.

Love,

What the fuck?

Eddie hastily searched the bottom portion of the back side of the paper, where the note ended for a signature, a name, initials, something but that’s where it ended.

 There was no name.

“NO! FUCK! NO! No, no, no, no, NO! I’ll have you, take me, just tell me who you are!” Eddie groaned out, note dropped into his lap so he could clench the roots of his hair with both fists as he doubled over.

This had to be a nightmare. It was the only reasonable explanation for someone to say all those wonderfuckingful things, just for them to disappear. 

His heart hurt and he blinked frantically to ward off the onslaught of water and sniffed to deter the tingle in his nose. 

The unmistakable sound of his own little rat pack making their way towards the room wasn’t enough to get him to pull himself together.

“Eddie, dude, are you okay?”

Eddie recalled his final option, head shooting to glance around at their faces in search of one in particular. 

“Byers. Where’s Byers?”

“His mom picked him up after lunch, wasn’t feeling good,” Mike informed him, completely unaware his grand Valentine’s gesture for Jane had been the cause of his sudden illness. 

It was the final straw for Eddie, he snatched the lunchbox and flowers and grumbled out, “Sessions canceled.”

He must have looked pissed as none of them protested, probably having something to do with most of them having dates afterwards. 

He almost made it out of the room when Gareth called him back, holding up a purple pen he’d found on the table and figured Eddie was about to forget.

“Is this yours?”

Eddie scoffed and rolled his eyes. 

“No.” Then he walked out.

Before promptly storming back in, swiping the pen out of Gareth’s meaty hands. Eddie clicked the pen and scribbled furiously over the side of his fist until the ink finally ran. It wasn’t purple. The ink filler was pink.

His secret admirer’s pen.

“What a cruel parting gift,” he sighed, shoving the pen in his pocket before making his exit. Again.

The really sad thing was Eddie couldn’t even sink into depression in the peace of his room. Emmy Switcher had approached Rick about wanting some herbal refreshments at her party and since he was still under house arrest (how Rick managed to deal and supply in his circumstances baffled him) the job fell upon Eddie. He’d driven to Rick’s restocked, then hit the party. 

It was a horn fest, couples everywhere he looked. All heart-eyed and attached at the tongue. It was disgusting.

Eddie was pouting, quietly fuming that it wasn’t him and his secret admirer making out or cuddling or doing something equally romantic but noooooo. Just had to take the ‘secret’ aspect to its extreme. 

He banished himself to a dark corner, only interacting with people when approached for drugs or weed. He’d caught sight of Chrissy and it had looked like she wanted to come over but he’d purposely shifted his gaze. Despite the gaping hole left where his heart was, it wasn’t Chrissy or Tina, or the girl in the upstairs restroom, who’d thrown herself at him when he’d been searching for a free bathroom to piss in, that he wanted. Eddie wasn’t in the mood to rebound.

Which was kind of crazy considering he hadn’t even been in a relationship, hadn’t been dumped. He wanted everything in that note, especially the promise of more and only with its author. 

Now, Eddie hadn’t been in love before. Some serious lust and want, yeah, however, reading that note made him feel like he was falling a little bit in love and he wanted, very badly, to dive headfirst the rest of the way. Clearly, that wasn’t going to happen.

Once he’d sold out the rest of Rick’s inventory, he stole a beer and headed for the front door. 

Once outside, Eddie took a minute to breathe. He hadn’t realized how stuffy it had been in there until he was no longer engulfed by the claustrophobic displays of affection. 

He trudged down the pathway and paused when he saw the figure of a girl sitting on the lawn. Her head was directed down towards the ground and she was most definitely not wearing the right clothes for the outside weather.

Eddie cursed under his breath, plans to immediately drive home and get crossed put on hold as he walked over, noting the dew already coating the grass.

“Hey, you okay?”

─

Drinking your sorrows away probably wasn’t the best idea, considering how much of a lightweight you were. 

Originally, you’d wanted to lock yourself away in your room for the night—and probably the rest of the weekend as well as maybe the next school week; nothing wrong with playing sick to avoid facing reality and your problems─to cry and pass out. Heather, on the other hand, had plans for you. She’d dolled you up, having to force you to wash your face and re-do your makeup once when you had started crying—put you in a cute outfit and dragged you to Emmy Switcher’s party. 

You knew her intentions were pure—as pure as underage drinking could be—but she knew her mistake when the party started to couple up. You’d been approached multiple times and she’d try to encourage you to go for the decent acting ones, you just hadn’t wanted to. When Chrissy Cunningham showed up, you’d gone for shots of the hard liquor (over the sink of course in case you gagged it up, which you did a decent amount of), sure that Eddie would soon follow and you’d be forced to witness their affection.

Obviously, you ended up shitfaced and somehow lost track of Heather. Or maybe she lost track of you. You’d very briefly attempted to find her, accidentally spotted Chrissy, now making eyes at Eddie who’d shown up, and you’d promptly headed outside, eager for some fresh air and an escape from the madhouse. The high alcohol level in your blood kept you from feeling how chilly it really was and you settled into the grass, twirling strands of it around your fingers.

You weren’t sure how long you were out there when someone approached you.

“Hey, you okay?”

You looked up, ready to ask them to just leave you when you locked eyes with Eddie Munson. Most of the liquid courage coursing through your veins evaporated, you couldn’t look at him for long, gaze moving back to the grass. What a way to start sobering up.

“I’m fine.”

“You sure? ‘Cause,” Eddie sat down next to you, one leg crossed and his other, knee up with his arm resting over it. His unopened beer was at his side, “You’re outside, alone, in the cold and you look pretty fucking sad.”

You scoffed, fingers still playing with the strands of grass as you tried to think of something to say that wouldn’t make you seem pathetic. In that time, Eddie took you in.

He knew you, he’d seen you around school and you were nice enough to greet him. Pleasantries in passing. Pretty Hallway Girl, as you’d been dubbed—though never referred to as—until he knew your name. It had been the first one he had jotted down on his list for his secret admirer’s identity, of course he realized with your lack of interactions, it wasn’t likely. He entertained the idea of dating you often, you’d just never shown any real interest in him. Eddie thought about it a lot. Anytime he caught sight of you, really. Your pretty face didn’t make it easy for him to stop. He was a really, really big sucker for your eyes and that smile you’d give him during those brief interactions; like the two of you had some sort of secret between each other. Warmed him up inside.

And here you were, all sad at a party. He didn’t really mind not getting crossed if it meant he got to comfort you, keep you company.

“I’m just drunk,” you finally blurted out, unable to come up with anything else, “And bummed.” 

Try devastated.

“You look it,” he joked, nudging his shoulder against yours.

“You don’t look that much better.” You shot back.

“That’s fair,” he sighed, breath visible in the night air as he tilted his head back. “I’m pretty bummed, myself.”

You really didn’t want to ask, figuring he’d already had some sort of lover’s quarrel with Chrissy and you didn’t want to get in the middle of it. 

But you were an idiot, so you asked, “Why are you bummed?”

You watched him dig around the pockets of his leather jacket, pulling out a lighter and a pack of cigarettes. He pulled one out of the pack, clenching it in between his teeth as he shoved the pack back into the pocket before he shrugged off the jacket entirely—denim vest included—putting it around your shoulders.

It caught you off guard but you were grateful, your body having decided to become once more susceptible to the chill of the air and dewy grass. Eddie must have been a freaking space heater because the lining inside was blissfully warm.

“Thank you,” you mumbled, shimmying around in it until you could slip your arms into the long sleeves of it, your fingers barely poking past the hem.

“You’re welcome,” he shrugged, flicking the lighter to life as he lit the cigarette. After he’d taken a drag, he answered you. 

“Love,” Eddie blew out along with a wispy plume of smoke, “Didn’t expect it to be so complicated.”

You wanted to mime the action of staking yourself in the heart. Of course he was in love with her. She was wonderful! And on top of that, he thought she’d been the one leaving him roses! Had he read the note? Assumed it was her, too? DUH! You were definitely playing sick next week.

“Yeah, well. Join the club,” you grumbled, hugging his jacket around you. It was as close as you were ever gonna get to actually hugging him. 

Eddie raised an eyebrow, hoping to school his disappointment. While he wasn’t looking for anyone else tonight, it was still displeasing to hear you were taken but of course you were. He couldn’t imagine you dating sporadically, you seemed much too wonderful for someone to even consider giving you up. No, he was gonna hurt himself with ideas involving you and a high school sweetheart stemming back to your freshman days, probably.

“Ah, I see. Is he here?”

You froze for a moment, “Uhm, yeah. He is.”

“Then why come? Or did it happen in there?” He jabbed a thumb behind him, gesturing to the party inside.

“No, it didn’t happen tonight, it was earlier. In the day. I didn’t really want to come but my best friend dragged me out here. I thought I was doing good, apparently not ‘cause here I am. I’m mostly bummed because of myself, though. I didn’t follow through on something I sort of promised myself and I messed everything up. For me. Not for him. I think he’s pretty happy, so I don’t want to ruin that. He deserves to be happy.”

Eddie could tell you meant it, you were vague as hell but whatever you’d done, however it ended, you genuinely seemed to want your boyfriend (ex-boyfriend?) to be happy. He hoped it wasn’t something you had to cave into for one of those meatheads. You deserved better than those jerks.

“That’s pretty selfless of you if you ask me,” Eddie raised the cigarette to his lips, admiring you.

“Eh, I guess. I fully plan on punishing myself for it, though. Really make sure to rub the salt in there, you know?” You finally turned to grin at him, despite the sinking feeling in your stomach.

Eddie thought about how he couldn’t just stop going to school so he could avoid having to look at all the faces in the crowds and wonder if his admirer is one of them.

“Oh, sweetheart, I’m right there with you.”

Sweetheart. He really was trying to kill you.

“Eddie, get your ass in there and make up with her.” You lightly slapped his arm and jabbed your finger in the direction of the house. You were not about to let your sacrifice be in vain and he’d better stop unknowingly torturing you like this.

“I can’t!” He laughed, amused with your sudden bossy attitude.

“Why not?” You whined, eager to just get him away from you. It wasn’t fair, he wasn’t being fair.

“Because I have no idea who she is.”

Once again you froze, eyes widening. Luckily for you, Eddie didn’t look too much into your reaction. He figured most people would be surprised over him nursing a heartbreak from someone he didn’t quite actually know, or was aware that he knew.

“What?” You asked, trying to seem as uninterested as possible as you played with the ends of his jacket sleeves.

“Fuck it. Someone left me roses all around the school and this really amazing love note.” For a moment, Eddie entertained the idea of trying to convey exactly what it meant to him, then he thought better of it. He’d either seem crazy, desperate or like some pathetic guy in love (which, he kind of was on the cusp of), “Pretty sure it was a girl.”

Not a single dude in the high school was romantic enough to pull it off, maybe leave him an entire bouquet, but not expand upon it like she had.

Eddie licked his lips, raising the cigarette to them once more and ready to admit that he had no fucking clue who she was, but he figured he might as well make one last rally.

“Wouldn’t happen to be you, would it?”

“Not me,” you lied flawlessly, with a gentle shake of your head. “Sorry, Eddie.”

Sorry I’m a big liar because HOLY FUCKING SHIT, wasn’t expecting that. 

“I figured. Still had to try, your boyfriend probably would have kicked my ass, though.” Yeah, Eddie hated Valentine’s Day.

He stubbed the cigarette out into the wet grass, and laid the rest of the way down, hands covering his eyes as the back of his head met the ground.

You frowned down at him. 

“I don’t have a boyfriend.”

Hello. 

Eddie peaked at you through his fingers, “No?”

You shook your head and as Eddie moved to push himself back up, he yelped.

He shifted onto his side, digging around his pocket for whatever it was that stabbed him.

“Ouch,” He hissed, yanking the purple pen out. “Damn, that hurt like a bitch.” 

Your eyes squinted at it in suspicion.

“Is that my pen?”

“Huh?”

“My favorite—and pricey—pen. I lost it at school today.” In fact, you were sure you had and you were sure that was your pen. You’d broken off the clip of it by accident and you recognized the large crack in the body of it, having once given into an intrusive thought regarding whether or not you had the strength to break it while you were bored in class. You did have the strength and luckily for you, it still worked. 

When Eddie made no move to give your pen back, you figured he didn’t believe you so you added, “The ink is pink, right?”

Eddie continued to stare at you, mouth slightly parted in awe, and you suddenly felt very nervous, glancing behind you to see if there was something that caught his attention but all you could see were the empty lawns.

“What?” 

He finally blinked, licking his lips again. 

“You’re a really good liar.”

“What?” You repeated, this time your question was laced more so with confusion than panic. He was right, but why was he saying that?

His lips slowly parted up at the corners until he was grinning at you so wide, his dimples were showing and you could feel your heart beating wildly against your rib cage, as if it was trying to break free to fly right over to him.

“This is your pen?”

“Yes!” Is that what his happiness was about? That he was holding your prized pen hostage?

“This is your pen?” You could tell he was having fun at your expense now, getting more giddy by the minute.

“Yes!” You laughed out, his joy contagious even if he was teasing you with your own belongings. “That is my pen. Give me my pen!”

He clicked it closed with his thumb, “I found it where we hold Hellfire sessions, same pen that was used to write my love note.”

And just like that, your heartbeat seemed to stop all together, smile dropping instantly as you wished a giant hole could form in the ground below you and swallow you up.

“That’s not my pen,” you denied, shrugging off his jacket as you quickly rose to your feet. “I gotta go, bye, Eddie.”

When you saw him starting to hastily rise, you bolted, literally running back into the house to try to find Heather and get the hell out of there.

You heard Eddie frantically calling your name but you didn’t stop, forcing your way through the bodies as you desperately searched for your best friend.

Luck was finally on your side because you were soon smashed into her back by a passing group.

“Whoa,” she laughed, turning to steady you, “There you are, I’ve been searching for you everywh—hey, what’s wrong?”

You were sure she must have noticed the panic on your face, eyes shiny with tears you refused to let fall in public. 

“I wanna go home, we have to leave.” You grabbed her hand, pulling her into a secluded corner as your head darted in the direction of the front door. You wanted to make a run for it but you feared running into Eddie on the way.

“What happened?” Heather asked, voice initially soft before hardening as her protective nature came out, “Did someone do something?” 

You shook your head, chest heaving with your breaths. You were so close to having a panic attack. 

“Eddie. He knows. He knows, Heather.” And because she was your best friend, she understood, mouth and eyes going wide.

“Holy crap. Wait—isn’t this what you wanted?” 

“No—yes—I don’t know! I can’t face him!” There was a reason you hadn’t written your name down on the note, regardless of how badly you wanted to. You were just scared.

“Why not?” She bent down, leaned in closer to hear you. This girl and her twenty questions.

“It doesn’t matter, he didn’t want it to be me, anyways. He would’ve asked earlier, and he only did it now because of that stupid pen!” You should have kept your mouth shut and just gone to buy another over the weekend, “Can we just please get out of here? We can try the side gate in the backyard.”

“Is Eddie looking for you?”

“Yes, that’s why we have to leave!” Whatever Eddie had to say, you didn’t want to hear it. Yeah, maybe he could want you but if he didn’t, was searching for you to let you down gently you’d be heartbroken. 

“He knows and you don’t think he wanted it to be you?”

“Yes!”

“Then why would he be looking for you?”

You refused to answer her, pushing her towards the back door instead. She went willingly for a few steps, then Heather stopped and you bumped into her back again as she craned her neck to look over her shoulder. 

“I think it's too late for that.” She pointed at something behind you and you followed her finger. 

Eddie was standing on top of the kitchen table a bunch of guys had carried into the living room to play beer pong on, eyes searching the room with his lips set in a frown.

He was attracting attention, a multitude of heads turning to peer up at him in curiosity.

Oh, god. He was looking for you, you were probably going to get rejected at a fucking Valentine’s Day party in some stranger’s living room.

Eddie must have caught the attention of someone near the sound system because the volume of the music was lowered and you could hear everyone muttering amongst themselves, asking what had happened to the music before they noticed Eddie.

He glanced around, not even a little nervous at the amount of people staring at him. He hadn’t planned on making a huge show of it, figured they were all too drunk to pay him any attention, luckily he was used to being a spectacle. 

Eddie used it to his advantage, calling out your full name.

The crowd muttered, everyone looking at each other in confusion or maybe trying to catch sight of you. 

It wasn’t long before someone recognized you, head turning in your direction, followed by many more—a domino effect—until just about everyone was staring at you, including Eddie.

He hopped off the table and made his way towards you, crowd parting to allow him. Heather slipped her hand into yours at your side, giving you a reassuring squeeze before she too stepped away, leaving you to finally face Eddie.

Eddie didn’t look at anyone else, gaze trained solely on you.

“Hi, again.”

You blinked, unable to keep yourself from glancing at the crowd around you, curious—nosey—to see what would happen next.

Guess you were going to have to finally face reality, no more running. You didn’t think you could break through the crowd, anyways.

“Hi,” you whispered but you knew Eddie had heard you, his lips pursed into a smile, eyes lighting up when you didn’t shut down.

“You ran away before I could tell you how I feel.” Eddie took another step, pretty much invading your personal space but he was desperate to be close to you and maybe body block you in case you tried to flee. He didn’t want you to run away again, to disappear like he feared you had when you hadn’t left your name on the note.

“It’s only fair, right? Since I know?”

You nodded again, the drum of your heartbeat loud in your ears. You were surprised you could hear Eddie over it.

Eddie stared down at you, lips pressed into a thin line, but he didn’t look upset or frustrated. It looked like he was thinking about something.

Little did you know he was reciting the note in his head to give him some courage, he’d memorized it.

He didn’t leave you waiting for long. 

“I admire you. A lot.” Your breath hitched as the words you’d jotted down were repeated to you, “So much that I want to stand on expensive looking, antique tables and crash parties for you. I like the way you get animated when you talk, the way you give into your intrusive thoughts at the most random of times—yeah, I saw you trying to see if your finger fit in the pencil sharpener in the library once—I like how kind you are, even when people don’t deserve it. 

“I like how you’ve never made me feel ostracized, never made anybody feel like that and I like how dramatic you are—storming off, making an exit, falling flat on your face in hallways then staying there like a dead body before you decide to reanimate again once you’re done being embarrassed. I like how you beat up your locker when it won’t open and then you give it a couple of pats to apologize once it finally does.”

Eddie chuckled at those particular memories, having been thoroughly amused when watching you and you feel your face get hot at being the cause of his cute laugh.

“And I really like your face, your pretty eyes, all of this,” Eddie gestured to you, to all of you from head to toe, “… you’re beautiful. Although, I gotta say, you drove me really fucking crazy today. Made me feel emotions I didn’t know I was capable of feeling and you scared the shit out of me when I thought I’d never get to know who the person I’m pretty sure I’m falling in love with is.”

Okay, maybe you didn’t want the ground to swallow you whole.

“I know we only have a couple of months left of school and you’re probably going off to continue being amazing at some college in some big city a million miles away—‘cause that’s my luck—but I’m willing to work with that. I want to drive those million miles to give you flowers and hold your hand, kiss you, listen to you complain about your bad days, hear you brag about your good ones, kill all the bugs you’re afraid of—even though some of them freak me out, you make me feel brave, too—and just be all around disgustingly domestic with you. 

“And yes, that includes all the not so fun domestic stuff like fights—which we’ll get over, I’ll do just about anything, even cave first, if you give me those big, coy eyes of yours—and taxes. I want to do it all with you. If you’ll have me.” Eddie ended, eyes wide and just a little out of breath. 

There it was. He’d thrown it all out there, everything he wanted to offer (because he wanted to give you everything, even though it kind of terrified him).

And you—you were just staring at him, left to gape at him since you’d expected… well, you hadn’t really known what to expect since you usually ran from the consequences—be they good or bad—of your actions. 

He wanted to be with you. Holy crap, Eddie Munson wanted to be your boyfriend. Wanted to do boyfriend things like visit you at college and hold your hand. You’d thought, the whole time, it had just been you observing him. You never thought he’d be observing you, too. It all sounded too good to be true, you couldn’t really think, couldn’t really form words.

You didn’t have to, Eddie grew anxious, maybe even a little impatient despite having decided the moment you’d run away from him in the front yard that he’d chase after you for as long as it took him to get you to give him a chance.

He found himself blurting out his strongest desire, “Can I kiss you?”

This was it, you were faced with another opportunity, and this one was the actual last opportunity you had to tell him how you feel, without any anonymity. No more hiding, no more running.

“Yeah,” you breathed out and he was on you before you’d even finished saying that singular word, his surprisingly soft lips pressing desperately against yours as his hands moved to frame your face, one of his thumbs stroking along your cheek.

Your eyelids fluttered shut as you returned the kiss and just like that, what he intended to be a simple but firm kiss, turned into your lips moving against each other, a little wet and enough to have Eddie want to pop his leg up like in the fucking movies.

The only reason he kept himself from introducing his tongue to yours like he so badly wanted to was the sounds of encouragement around him; cheering and hollering. You broke away, having also heard your peers whooping and wolf whistling, to hide your face in his chest, bashfulness returning full force.

Eddie laughed and kissed the top of your head, unable to contain his grin and joy. He definitely wasn’t used to this, more accustomed to jeering, not cheering. A couple of people even clapped him on the shoulder.

“You know what, I think they’re rooting for us, sweetheart.”

You pulled away just enough to look up at him, offering a small, pleased smile of your own.

“They’re not the only ones.”

Well, he had to give you some tongue for that one. The cheering and sounds of excitement got louder as he did.

—  You hadn’t walked into school hand in hand with Eddie when Monday came around—though you’d spent pretty much the entire weekend with him, driving around town, lounging around your room (he’d come in through your window) and making out—he hadn’t mentioned anything about meeting up in the parking lot and you weren’t offended in the slightest. While you wanted to see him, you appreciated the extra time to calm your excited nerves before you did. 

Heather ran up to you the second you made it to your locker, grin stretching from ear to ear. 

“I still can’t believe it. It didn’t even happen to me and I’m pinching myself because of how romantic it was!”

“Imagine how I feel,” You were all smiles as you turned the combination for your locker. But of course, since it was openly known as one of, if not, the shittiest of lockers in the school—having belonged to several wrestlers and football players before you, who’d evidently cared for it on the rough side—it didn't budge when you tugged at it.

You wouldn’t miss it when you graduated. 

With a sigh, you pulled the straps of your backpack off of your shoulders and handed it to Heather. Then, you yanked aggressively at the small locker handle. It was your routine though, so you knew it wouldn’t open then, either. It was only when you slammed your fist against it, after all the yanking, that it opened.

Roses immediately flooded out of it, piling onto the ground at your feet. You and Heather watched with open mouths, glancing at passersby, who also looked on in surprise, until your stuffed locker finally finished its floral avalanche.

“Like ‘em?”

You jumped up, and then internally scolded yourself for almost trampling a couple of your flowers. You carefully twisted around to face Eddie, who was leaning back against the row of lockers behind you, smug smirk on his handsome face.

“Yeah, what are all of these for?” You asked, still marveling at them as he pushed himself off the lockers to wrap his arms around your middle and press a kiss to the side of your head.

“I realized I never got to ask you to be my Valentine or give you flowers. So, I bought some Saturday morning,” They were on sale so he’d gone purposely overboard, “used my uncle’s collection of mugs as vases to keep them alive, then woke up at the asscrack of dawn this morning to get here before you did. I probably broke your locker even more, by the way. So, be my Valentine?”

“I’m pretty sure it was part of the terms and agreements of our relationship, but yes. I’ll be your Valentine.”

Eddie closed your locker for you, pressing his weight against it to make sure it was secure and no more roses would escape before he scooped up the ones that had fallen out, arranging them into a large bouquet which he handed to you, leaning in to give you a kiss.

You hummed happily against his lips, nose wrinkling in glee when you felt him smile.

Eddie let out a content sigh when you parted before glancing to his side at your gawking best friend.

“Hey, Heather.” Eddie wasn’t at all bothered by the audience. “Nice shoes.”

“Thanks! They’re new. You done sucking face?”

“For now,” he promised, then turned his attention back to you. “I’ll see you later, beautiful. I’ve got a test to barely pass. Gotta make sure I walk that stage with you.”

Eddie pinched your cheek, pressed another kiss to your forehead and rushed off down the hall. You’d barely locked eyes with Heather when Eddie came running back, taking your face in his hands as he muttered something about one more and gave you a kiss that had you a little shaky on your feet.

‘One more’ actually turned out to mean a couple more pecks before he really forced himself away, blowing you a kiss just as he disappeared around the corner.

“He’s whipped,” Heather stated.

“Pretty sure I’m falling in love with him.”

“That’s appropriate.” You both nodded before you turned to face your closed locker, arms full of sweet smelling roses. 

“. . .  You still need to get your books, don’t you?”

“Yeah.”

Heather slid her arms through the straps of your backpack, over her front, so she could hold your flowers for you as you prepared to battle your locker again. It was totally worth it.

─

Eddie never ended up giving you your pen back, it’s the one he used to write love letters to you while you were away at college.  

[alotofpockets]

Happy when you're around | Florence Pugh

Paring: Florence Pugh x Reader

Summary: You're helping your girlfriend film her newest Cooking with Flo video, and help her with a Q&A on Instagram live.

Masterlist | Marvel masterlist | Words: 707

Florence was dancing around the kitchen, between the chopping of vegetables and stirring in pots. She was in the process of filming a Cooking with Flo episode. You were behind the camera making sure to get all the right angles to give her fans the best experience.

You loved how at ease Florence was in front of the camera, she had to be with her job of course but this was different. She connected with her fans, talked to them, even when her episodes weren't live and she couldn't see their responses or have a two way conversation with them. She never failed to find a new topic to talk about. 

As a bonus Florence posted an extra story on her Instagram for her followers to send in questions, after she posted all the parts to the Cooking with Flo. She was nervous because she had never done this before, but she was excited when she saw all the questions come pouring in.

Florence wanted to answer the questions on an Instagram live. So, you suggested putting up a tripod to film her and to read the questions aloud from your phone, that way it was more like an interview. Flo thought it was a good idea, it eased her nerves a bit.

"Hi, everyone! I hope you enjoyed that little Cooking with Flo." She started. She knew how much they love the series, as they're always requesting more. "Thank you so much for all the questions you've sent in. My lovely girlfriend, behind the camera, will read as many of them out for me before we have to leave. I hope to answer as many as I can!" 

You looked at Florence to give you the sign to ask the first question. Once she did you read one out for her. "Let's start off with a food related question, what is your favorite dish to make?" - "Hm that's a good one, I love so many. Honestly, I think my favorite thing to do is to create a dish from the leftovers we have. I get to be more creative and challenge myself." 

You continue with the next question, "Are you working on any new projects at the moment?" Florence looks at you and smiles. "We just finished the press tour for A Good Person. If you haven't seen it yet, it's out in theaters now!" She plugs while making finger guns towards the camera. "But to answer your question, no not at the moment. I've had a busy couple of years work wise and while I'm very happy with that, I want some time with my girlfriend. So, I'm taking a couple of months off, and we're going to travel together. I've got some auditions planned before we go, so who knows after our trip I might have some new projects coming up."

You continue asking more questions, when you stumble upon one with your name. "Haha I like this one, I'd like to know your point of view on this. What is y/n like when she's filming your Cooking with Flo videos?" Florence moves her hands in a come here motion. "If you all don't mind, I'm gonna bring her in front of the camera for this one." 

Once you sit down next to her, she starts answering the question. "Y/n is amazingly supportive behind the camera, and in general. She's very detail oriented and knows exactly what I want to show and when I want to give you all a closer look at something. Besides that I also have the cheesy answer, which is that she's beautiful behind the camera, and she always looks at me with the most admiring smile." You blush at all her compliments. 

"That's because I'm always happy when you're around." You say while leaning into her more. She puts her arm around you. You see the screen filled with lovely messages from the audience and feel the smile on Florence's face. "We have to get going now, but I promise I'll answer more questions soon! Thank you for joining us and I hope you'll all have a wonderful day." With that you end the live and cuddle up to your girlfriend, before you have to get ready.

[wingsoverlagos]

Lewisohn's Little Mysteries

I should be posting the next piece dissecting the Mark Lewisohn/Kim Bennett/Parlophone contract saga--it's in the works, I promise! @mythserene and I are typing and scheming and typing some more--but most of my time has been put towards checking a zillion citations, and I wanted to share a little something before my next proper piece. The zillion-checked-citations will hopefully be available in some form soon; enjoy this as a snack to hold you over 'til dinner.

As we know, Mark Lewisohn likes to bust a myth, tear down our preconceived notions, and shed light into the murky corners of Beatles history (source: Mark Lewisohn.) But there's another pattern I've noticed while checking his citations: he likes to inject a little ambiguity every now and then where perfect clarity is possible.

I've run across a few cases of this--I'll try to dig those out and add them later--but I was struck by this example from The Best of Fellas (2002), Spencer Leigh's biography of Bob Wooler. Lewisohn sets up a little mystery, writes that there's something we simply don't know--all the while, the source is perfectly clear.

Tune In 18-46 vs. Leigh 2002 p.147

This section discusses the Beatles' plans to not pay Allan Williams a percentage for their second string of gigs in Hamburg. From Tune In:

Paul tells Bob Wooler they won't be paying Allan Williams commission; Paul adds that he suspects Wooler will tell Williams, as the two are friends. Wooler agrees--yep, he's going to tell Williams. Then Lewisohn introduces his petite paranthetical mystery: "(It isn't clear if or when Wooler did, however.)"

Now, from The Best of Fellas (this, like much of the book, is told through a quote by Bob Wooler himself):

To quote Wooler, "I did tell Allan and he was fuming about this." If you're struggling with the subtlety and intricacy of this quote (hi, Mark!), I'll reiterate the key phrase: "I did tell Allan." Sure, he doesn't give an exact date or anything, but from the general context, we can assume it occurred around the same time.

Why? Why does he do this? He had to actively write out that it "wasn't clear" if Bob told Allan about the Beatles' financial scheme. It would have been simpler (and more correct) to not write that. This is very strange behavior! Though I have a better understanding of Lewisohn than when I started, I still don't get why he does things like this--why introduce this ambiguity to the record when the answer is in your source, in the very same paragraph?

Also strange: that bracketed "to me" at the start of the quote. “Paul said [to me], ‘I suppose you’re going to tell your mate…’” Using brackets to clarify ambiguity in a quote is fine, but where is the ambiguity here? If someone says, “Paul said, ‘You’re going to…’” it is understood that Paul is talking to the speaker. Lewisohn even says, in the sentence before the quote, “Bob Wooler later related how Paul told him that…” There isn’t a shred of ambiguity here. Don’t amend a quote if you don’t have to! Let the words speak for themselves!

Sources:

Leigh S. 2002. The Best Of Fellas: The Story of Bob Wooler, Liverpool’s First D.J. Liverpool: Drivegreen Publications Ltd. 264p. Accessed online 2024 Apr 23. Available from: https://archive.org/details/bestoffellasstor0000leig/mode/2up

Lewisohn M. 2013. The Beatles: All These Years Vol. 1: Tune In. New York (NY): Crown Archetype. [ebook]

[chaotic-orphan]

Found fictional story/novel

So... I have found a fictional novel that I wrote over the last ten years that I had completely forgotten about, and then, once I found it again, I realised there is so much of it - like 90,000 words much of it - and it is a lot to comb through and I kind of shut down mentally when I found it but I am working more now on updates for the WIPS I have on Tumblr!

So you can Expect updates soon in:

Delirious Villain x hero caretaker,

Heroic betrayal,

Intoxicating fear (updates every Saturday) (from now) :)

Vendetta,

and, A Benignant Mischief

which are all started in the drafts!

Updates continued under cut

(*not necessary* to read as it is mostly rambles and ranting about the novel I found (and others), but I want to share some fun revelations I found while skimming it)

There are some whumpy scenes from the novel that I may post as I find them, cause some of them are very whumpy, and I enjoyed reading them~

The plot has a lot of male characters which is both interesting and annoying— interesting because I love the two brothers dynamic, even not even blood related, like two brothers joined together by fate, blood, prophecy etc. Annoying because it’s obvious that I looked at the media I was surrounded with and was like “nobody wants to read about women, if they did, there would be more women centric things” so I’ll write about boys!

Point 2 Contd. (Rant!) Obviously discounting the genre of YA dystopian fiction which was great, and populated by mainly female protagonists, and which I enjoyed, but then, were shit on by the mainstream media because GIRLS CAN’T FIGHT? Girls can’t be the main driving force of a novel? Girls suck, boo girls, unless they’re tom boys or men. Ahem, thank you for your input on teenage girl’s book choices FORTY YEAR OLD WHITE MEN :D WHERE WOULD WE BE WITHOUT YOU

Part 2+3 contd. (the brightside!) However, the good thing about this is that I can populate the rest of the novel with strong female characters! There are a few dotted through who i dote on a bit, I love them, like come here my little beautiful minority <3

The plot centers around two brothers who get torn apart when outlaw's raid in their coastal village - actually, my newest Medieval WIP was inspired by the novel!! Same setting/vibe (as in the coastal village) so very fun

This to say that actually I think the new Medieval WIP is my brain trying to flesh the world out more and see what the average people would do in the world… but it’s a story in its own right too!

There are magic, gods, good gods and bad gods ofc, ancients, bloodlines, descendants, royalty, soldiers, outlaws, magic schools, political intrigue - like it is a mix of everything I have loved over the years which is so funny to see because clearly I haven't changed...

The dialogue?!?!? I don't think I have written like that ever, but the dialogue is so much better than the dialogue I write today and idk why? Maybe because I wrote it off a sudden throng of inspiration or something? But, fuck, how do I write like that again? I mean, without editing, because the amount of editing I had to do to make the novel READABLE wasn't funny, it took so long... it's finished now though, just the editing, NOTHING else - give me strength, I need it

Also, realised that I hate editing - is it something new? Not really, but holy moly... editing sucks, but it also?? Improves the story and fluidity so much, I should start editing my pieces before I publish and come off as far more eloquent than I do

Planning... is also so difficult - 90% of the novel is like this:

Scene X: completed Me: ah, good, that scene is written, I can move on to the next one Me, still staring at Scene X: ...move on now My brain: but what if it happened like this? PROVIDES SEVEN DIFFERENT ALTERNATE ENDINGS TO THE SCENE THAT WEREN'T NECESSARY AND NOW I HAVE TO CUT SO MUCH CRAP BUT MY BRAIN'S STILL LIKE - BUT WHAT IF?

My brain's literally like the writer's brain from Hush, such a good movie... ANYWAYS!!!!

That's the end of all my ramblings for today, was this post necessary? No, but like, I clearly wanted to get it off my chest and vent so we live, laugh, love... I hope all your days are going well :3

~ Orphan,

(P.S. - I'm toying with the idea of dropping my nickname in the bio, or doing a whole overhaul of the blog - the name, the layout... get rid of orphan, or maybe just become "nickname_the orphan", or something. But, see orphans are just so whumpy though I love a good orphan story... thoughts, ideas, waste management? I'm just dunking all my overflow of thoughts on this update today, but sure, look, be grand — I’m truly sorry if you read this far, I am having an ✨episode✨)

[littlebittyhollowbugs]

Dreamer headcanons

• Lurien is half dragonfly (son of an outsider dragonfly and nobleman of the city) and the grandchild of a higher being. He posseses great magic ability, especially in regards to sight. (Also fun fact: Dragonflies irl have great vision, and are known to have some of the best eyesight of any bug!) I will elaborate on this HC in a separate post Which will go over my dragonfly lore.

• Lurien helped the king create the worldsense spell, that he gifted the hollow knight. (A spell that allows one vision of an entire kingdom from one location.)

• Lurien and Monomon were very close before becoming dreamers having spent much time working together as advisors of the king. They often argued though, with Lurien never questioning his monarch and Monomon always advocating for trying new ideas, looking from all perspectives ect. (The pale king appreciated both very much.)

• They are also both poets, which they bonded over. And Lurien had definitely at one point painted a fog canyon art piece, that he gifted to her.

• Monomon is the oldest of the dreamers, technically, She is actually already over a hundred years old, before becoming a dreamer.

• She was once a regular (at least more regular) type of bug, and was later turned into a jellyfish.

• She always had an amazing mind and used her scientific skill to help the kingdom progress. She impressed the king so greatly that he granted her immortality (I will elaborate on this in a sec) And entrusted her to keep all the kingdoms records.

• Then of course with this new immortality, and new position, she became more ambitious. She created the jellyfish and fog canyon, Wanting to prove that she could be like the higher beings and create her own people/followers. (Typical god complex mad scientist behavior.)

• The king had her punished by taking away her true form. and turning her into a jellyfish creature. (Which she eventually grew used to and even happily accepted.)

• Of course as long as she stayed loyal to the king, the jellyfish did. And she remained loyal to the end.

• She was one of his foremost trusted advisors, and besides the white lady, the most involved in his plan to seal the infection.

• About the immortality thing- that was granted to her through her mask. The king had heard of the mask maker of Deepnest and his power. He made a deal with the then ruler of Deepnest (this is before Herrahs time) to have a mask created for Monomon.

• Skip forward a hundred years or so, the king is amidst his plan to seal the infection. He needs dreamers and at this point Monomon and Lurien have both volunteered. In order for the plan to work they need their masks and he goes to deepnest again to make a deal for two more masks to be made. This is how Herrah becomes aware of the dreamer plan, and her deal with him is made not long after.

I hesitate to elaborate on Herrahs backstory, only because Silksong might do just that. (I hope it does!) Anyway this all may be disproven but here we go~

• Herrah married the old sire of Deepnest who was a weaver (higher minded being) And this caused much controversy in Deepnest. She was not a weaver, not a royal, not even of noble birth.

• She did have her loyal followers of course, but many of her people, did not have much faith in her.

• The sire died unexpectedly in battle against the mantis tribe and Herrah was put in a worse position. Now Deepnest depended solely on her. (And to make matters more difficult she had not yet birthed an heir.)

• The pale king soon discovered how unprepared Herrah was to be queen, and was quick to make an alliance with her, after the sires passing.

• Herrah agreed to the alliance. (And trade routes and what not were established, the stag station, trams ect.)

• Herrahs people were not so much in agreement. The relations between Deepnest and Hallownest remained shaky to say the least.

• The bargain for Hornet was made both to the advantage of Herrah and the King. Herrah would have an heir, And with the new queen of Deepnest being his daughter, the king would gain more influence over the land.

• not wanting for her daughter to grow too attached to her before the sealing, Herrah sent Hornet to the hive to train when she was very young. (Herrah trained in the hive herself when she was in her youth. And trusted them to care of her daughter.)

• ooh also Deepnest culture is very family oriented specifically revolving around the children/the youth.

I feel like I have more, but this is all I can remember for now. Might add onto this later.

[kitsu-katsu]

Very much personal posting but other aros might relate

I love being aro, it's extremely cool, it's a big part of who I am and love it

BUT, that fact does nothing to alleviate the resentment I end up feeling for the best friends who say they'll always be there for you and "oh, we'll all grow old together, we'll be telling shitty jokes to each other at a nursing home at some point", only to immediately show you that they will in fact always prioritize a romantic pursuit by bending over backwards to have everything be about a new love interest they met less than a week ago

It feels shitty

In my case, some of my best friends live in a different city hours away from mine, so we can rarely hang out in person anymore, and they also have huge anxiety problems, so they haven't visited my city at all, it's always me going and telling them "I'm all yours when there, we have to go out!" And so many times we don't even get that as plans fail so easily. And plans have been made for them to visit the other way around, where us the remaining 3 people of the friend group are. But it's always a faraway hypothetical that never goes anywhere. "Some summer", "over spring break", "It'll happen I swear".

These two friends in the other city each got romantically interested in some guy

Friend A, who fails to meet our plans to go out 95% of the time, somehow managed to always have the perfect hole in their schedule to go out at least twice a week for a month and a half with their romantic prospect

Friend B, who's been saying they have to visit our city at some point but hasn't because of anxiety or being busy or financial problems, met a guy less than a week ago who lives in yet another city that's just as far away as mine is from my friend's city, but in less than a week they've already made plans to go on a trip to their crush's city to see them more and go out

And it SUCKS

Because you are understanding with them

Of course it's hard to go out, we've all got different responsibilities and different mental health issues and different money issues and such

But after being best friends for almost a decade and seeing them suddenly be completely able to do in a day what they fervently insisted they couldn't do with you in a year, it's.... Maddening

I'm not jealous of their partners because they have their romantic attention. I'm envious of the time they can clearly manage to give someone they've barely met but is obviously immediately more important until the relationship implodes than I am having been there for them for nearly a decade

And it means that when the relationship fails and we're back to the status quo, I have to sit there and believe them that it is still literally impossible to go out for more than 2 hours every 4 months. I have to sit with the fact that as soon as some other pretty person catches their eye, "we're all gonna grow old together" becomes nothing but a passing joke

It's a huge blow

[corvuserpens]

Alright girlies, I just came back from watching The Crow (2024) and

I'm sorry babes, but it's better than Wicked Prayer. Not better than the 1994 original -- but better than Wicked Prayer. This is your obligatory 🚨🚨 SPOILER ALERT 🚨🚨 don't say I didn't warn you.

To everyone who recently followed me for Black Sails, we'll get back to that soon, just lemme dump my thoughts on this movie bc The Crow was a game changer for little nine-year-old me back in the good ol' 90's. It's the movie that turned me into a baby bat.

So first things first: the cinematography. Gorgeous. Nice sets, great lighting. Mood always on point. Aesthetics to die for.

Second of all: score. AWESOME. They had Joy Division's Disorder playing while Eric and Shelly were escaping the rehab center and when that first beat started playing, I almost screamed in the mostly empty theater and started tapping along to it. Immediate B- for the movie just for that. But the rest of the music was just as good imo, it slapped so hard that now I have to look it up and play it non-stop. Surprising amount of goth and darkly-inclined music in there, which I was not expecting given the overall appearance of the lead characters.

The story, as I already expressed in a previous post, was generic but at least it had some themes to it that I found interesting. I couldn't really relate to the lifestyle these characters were leading, and honestly, the whole "oh they had a fucked up childhood and it led them into a life of crime/bohemian lifestyle that will be their end", y'know, "live fast, die young," is kinda old for me. I've seen it too many times for it to be edgy anymore. I get this is a reality for many people and I feel or them, obviously. I just don't think it's original anymore. Or maybe it's just not my kind of tea, which is fine. If it is for someone else, more power to them!

Anyway, where was I? Oh, right. Themes. I may not relate to the lifestyle, but I do relate to the whole "loving someone so much you can't imagine yourself living without them" which is what spurs on the whole conflict. From the very beginning, the movie doesn't hesitate to tell us "these two are doomed by the narrative so all the happy times they have won't last." And I will say, FKA Twigs and Bill Skarsgard have insane chemistry. Eric and Shelly's story is very brief and their relationship is only a speck in each of their lifetimes... but they sell the genuine love between them SO well, which lends an extra bit of flavor to the whole tragedy. They only knew each other for such a short amount of time, but the love was there. The connection was there. The threads of a future were just beginning to weave together, and then they were all cut away in the blink of an eye.

In the original movie, the tragedy of Eric Draven and Shelly Webster mirrored James O'Barr's own loss: they had their entire future set up in front of them, all these plans. They were on the eve of their wedding, and then they were brutally murdered. The tragic element in the new movie isn't lessened. It's just different. And I enjoyed that.

One thing I didn't really enjoy was the whole hell premise and the villain who made a bargain with the devil for eternal life in exchange for innocent souls. First of all, that's not how Satan works and this is slander of the highest order. No, I'm not a Satanist, but I respect the guy. Second of all, it's another tired old trope that needs to be put to rest. I find it much more interesting when human characters do evil shit because they act upon their evil impulses, which we all have, NOT because "the devil made them do it." Just... ugh. No, I loved Top Dollar in the 1994 movie because he was some fucked up little dude who lived for mayhem and death and had impeccable taste in Victorian fashion, who happened to dab in the occult along with his half-sister whom he liked to fuck. He was theatrical and extremely Edgy for the time and that's why he's so iconic and memorable. I don't need a villain who sold his soul for eternal life. Let him be evil for evil's sake, you don't need to sell your soul for that, damn. Not to mention Roeg felt flat and uninteresting. The connection to predatory men in high positions of power who prey on the dreams of young women artists was there, but they made it so on-the-nose that it sucked the interest out of it. Eh.

Now. The whole abandoned train station as a liminal space between life and death and the mysterious man who may or may not be an angel (or the skeletal cowboy from the comic book). There's an interesting concept. And the whole using puddles of dirty water, and rivers or other bodies full of liquid (a tub at some point) as a portal to and from that space? Simple, yet effective. Reminds me a little too much of the meme of the girl on the swing who jumps off into a puddle and disappears through it, but regardless. I think Eric jumps to and from there a bit too often and it breaks the mysticism a bit, but whatever.

I did enjoy the fact that Eric doesn't get his full powers immediately after dying, and I DID like the detail that, as long as his love for Shelly remains pure, his body will always heal because, as the Mysterious Man points out, the death/corruption/undoing of love (can't remember his exact words) isn't hate; it's doubt. As the story progresses and Eric finds out Shelly's Big Dark Secret™, his love for her falters, so his body begins to fail. It ties perfectly to the end of act one, when Shelly asks him to promise that when she becomes hard to love, to love her harder.

Which brings me to Shelly's backstory. It wasn't bad. I can understand the whole "your mom pushed you too hard when you showed signs of great artistic potential and it led her to manipulate you, abuse you and expose you to things a young girl shouldn't be exposed to" so she had to escape from her clutches, but the things she saw fucked her up and she turned to drugs and alcohol to cope.

But at this point, when she reveals she has this Big Dark Secret™ that she can't tell Eric about or else he wouldn't love her anymore, we already know that the villain made a bargain with the devil, so he has the ability to reach into the darkest parts of a person's soul and force them to act on it. And that kinda spoils the moment when it's revealed that Shelly killed someone. Because y'know, her soul is Pure and Good and she would never actually kill anyone because if she did, then she'd really deserve going to hell! Just... No. That's not how women work. That's not even how people work! People are imperfect, that's what makes us human. It would have been so much more interesting if Shelly had in fact killed that random girl, like, I dunno, over money, over drugs, over blackmail or something random and stupid that made her act out and then had it haunt her for the rest of her life, I don't fucking know! But no. She killed her because Roeg made her, exempting her from the blame and the consequences instantly. Boring. Let Eric learn all the fucked up things Shelly did and love her anyway. Let her get a little redemption for her bad choices by earning his full, unconditional love because that's all any of us wants, isn't it? To have someone see how rotten we are and say we are enough for them despite it all. Goddamn.

Okay, what else. The comedic timing. The stupid pun when they first meet, the opera music playing over Eric going ballistic in the hall, the fact he got stabbed with his katana in the back, but two minutes later, somehow the katana flipped around so Eric can pull it out of his front?? That was such a 2000's era movie mistake, lmao. Very charming.

No officer Albrecht or Sarah as a human stand-in for Eric's moral compass or to remind him of Shelly or all the other people they loved and who he will have to leave behind when all's said and done? Bad.

For a movie titled The Crow, there was a sad lack of crow influence in the movie. Eric isn't connected to his crow in any way. No more whole "you kill the crow, you kill the man" anymore, which is bullshit. Bill Skarsgard doesn't even get to have a crow perching on his shoulder??? What is this??????????? Big boo. The crow was the central focus of all the other movies bc it was the protagonist's link to the land of the living. It was a constant presence to remind us that, when all the wrong things have been set right, the crow would lead him back to the land of the dead to rest. As it were, in this installment, the crow was a prop and nothing more. If it hadn't been there, the story wouldn't be affected in the slightest. This is where this film fails to be a The Crow movie to me: one of them is still alive by the end when that's not what The Crow as a franchise is about.

The original comic book was an expression of tremendous grief and loss over a loved one, by how untimely and unfair it was. In the end, the protagonist, whomever they may be, dies so that they can be with that person they lost and they can be at peace in whatever comes after life. Don't get me wrong, it's still pretty compelling to have Eric learn Shelly is going to hell and offers to trade his soul for hers, and it is okay that in the end, Shelly is brought back to life while Eric remains dead. I mean, the whole bit with the mysterious man being a first responder and telling Shelly that Eric fought hard over her? Heart-wrenching. In a different movie, I would be all about it, but this is supposedly a The Crow movie and it broke the precedent imposed by the previous installments, both in comic book and movie format. So... Yeah, that's a no from me. Themes of grief and loss? Never heard of her.

To wrap this post up 'cause it's getting too long: I liked that the Marion character seemed to have a thing going on with her body-guard or wtv he was? You know, the one who killed Shelly? That was a nice little side detail I noticed. The themes were nicely established, but didn't tie up too well, I think. Too many loose ends or things left unexplored. I was glad we didn't get the schmuck happy ending in which the Universe or Entity or what have you deemed Eric's love for Shelly pure enough that he wouldn't go to hell in her stead and they were both brought back to life and lived happily ever after. But we also didn't get to see Eric getting dragged to hell in the end either, that was a missed opportunity to really let the consequences of his choices sink into the audience and make us all leave the room completely horrified. Would make for a much more impactful credit roll. Or maybe I'm just fucked in the head, idk.

The defeat of the villain felt unsatisfying. Did like the whole "you corrupted her (into killing that girl)" "you can't corrupt what's not in there already" thing, but if at the end of the fight Eric had gotten a little monologue about how "it's not about whether the corruption is in there or not, it's your choices not to act on it that really matters" before shoving Roeg into the jaws of hell, that would have helped matters along, me thinks. Hate that the movie has to hand-hold the audience through making connections between what's said at the beginning of the story and when later the characters mirror it with actions. I get we went through covid and all our memory and attention span got royally scrambled for it, but come on. We're not little kids. Let the setup/payoff ratio stand on its own, I promise people will remember.

All in all, hour and half well spent, I wasn't bored and my eyes had a feast with the visuals. I'll give it a 6/10👍 Would have been better as a stand-alone action flick instead of being advertised as a new The Crow installment (and really, it's trying to be a more faithful adaptation of the comic book? Even Donald fucking Trump couldn't make up a lie this blatant), but I enjoyed myself and that's what matters.

[theneighborhoodwatch]

Found this welcome theory video that i found interesting: https://youtu.be/9Lz6OcILeSc?si=tcPnCX3QC4JmAyC-

Thoughts :3?

(functional link to video)

i tend to avoid youtube coverage of welcome home because i'm petty, but fuck it, it's a new year and i've never actually heard of this youtuber before. i'll give it a shake. liveblog under the cut:

"y'know if it wasn't for the unsettling mysteries, the feeling that somebody is always watching you, and the mold.... i'd wanna live in the neighborhood" that's exactly why the mold and paranoia's so scary babeyyyy

"update number two" Tch.

i'm less inclined to call the writing in this update character development so much as it is just character establishment. especially since before the july 22nd update (bc that's what this video is about) all we knew about the other neighbors was what the WHRP was willing to tell us. i feel like i'm preaching to the choir though.

ok i laughed at the grindset alpha male howdy joke

"now i wanna move onto eddie bc i wanna make a connection between [eddie and howdy]" :D OH DO YOU NOW.

i do love the energy in this video, very infectious. i too have recommended people welcome home solely on the basis that they would have the hots for eddie and y'know what i haven't been wrong yet.

I WAS GONNA SAY SOMETHING ABOUT HOW LIKE. almost all of the characters have that backstory element of having coming from somewhere else before settling down in home, but i see the point about howdy and eddie specifically dealing with stuff that comes from someplace else as like, an actual job. putting a pin in it.

i'm not Sure how i feel about the idea that the world of home/the world in which home exists is Within our world? pretty much from the beginning i assumed it was running on re:creators/deltarune dark world rules (i.e. it is a world that was born from human thought and its existence is dependent on/influenced by our world, but at the end of the day it does exist on like a separate plane of reality) and i still stand by that. barbieland in barbie 2023 is a more apt comparison though.

"possession route" Tch.

ok actually i can't tch at that because i have talked about it in my own posts. TL;DR: i think possession/haunting theory could work but only if it's anything other than actual literal ghosts. as soon as you try to make it FNAF 2 i sleep.

don't have much to say about Real Poppy Lover Hours except emphatic smiling and nodding. although i will say i have seen people use "oh she's more like a mom/aunt/etc.!" as an excuse to sideline her in fanwork bc for some reason some folks think that her having a motherly personality means that she can't be shipped with anyone? even though all of home's residents are adults who aren't even related to each other? that's a gripe for another post, though.

THE CONCEPT OF SALLY BEING AS BIG AS POPPY IS KILLING ME. I PROMISE SHE'S SMALL SHE JUST HAS A BIGASS HEAD. she would want to be big though wouldn't she.

...actually now i want big sally. note to self to draw that later.

i do like the examination of whether or not sally referring to the audience is meant to mean anything. personally i think it's just a bit of wordplay/red herring action but You Never Know!

i misheard "girlboss bossgirl slay" as "girlboss boygirl slay" for like a split second. still fits tbh.

IT'S FUNNY THAT THEY MENTION THINKING THAT THE WHRP IS A SINGLE PERSON bc i do have an ask about that right after this. i'll save my thoughts for that response though.

it's funny that "was the majority of the gang being some form of queer/disabled/nd/etc. planned in-universe" is a question at all bc at the risk of sounding like an asshole it feels so obvious to me that it very much was not. the interview is definitely playing into those themes though.

"them <3" yeah

again. extremely refreshing to see a welcome home video from someone who actually likes welcome home instead of the clicks that covering it will give them.

BARNABY-SANS COMPARISON IS... DISTRESSINGLY APPROPRIATE.

he always knows when to show up, huh.... huh.... i've been trying to break away from being so self-referential ever since welcome home and consequently this blog blew up but. huh...

do i think he's a service dog? i think to answer that question we would first have to answer the question of whether or not he's even a Dog or just Shaped Like A Dog. the laws of his reality say he is a dog, but we can at least guess that even even those can't be trusted. i think it's possible that he may see himself as in service to wally, that he worries about what will happen if he doesn't butt in, but i don't know if this is an objective truth.

"[wally] being so mysterious i don't think is like, him wanting to be mysterious. [...] there just may not be that much about him." and then relating that to how typically protagonists in puppet shows have more subdued personalities than their co-stars so they can be more relatable to the audience. Teehee. (this is positive)

oh there's something kind of poetic about the idea that each bug video ends bc wally's snapped out of his dissociation by one of his friends calling his name when paired with the idea that he's disassociating in part due to his connection with the audience isn't there. being reminded of one's own personhood through your connections with others, and how that has the potential to become more bittersweet the more wally continues to risk it in the process of regaining a sense of purpose as The Audience Surrogate. oogh. that's just me waxing poetic though.

oooh that whole passage about the idea of remembrance and the pursuit of a "correct" story and tying that back into how welcome home in-universe has been almost universally forgotten and the themes of living as a disabled or mentally ill or queer person. beautiful connection.

"hmmm, how much agency do you have in your life actually" AHEHEHE. HEHEHEHE. HEHE.

conclusion: Good Video. thank you for sending it.

[bismuth-209]

previously on this conversation on wild blue yonder (doctor who) featuring @rowanthestrange, @timetravelingsherlockian and me, we discussed things like "did the creatures turn into the ship?" "why was the tardis there?" "to what extent would the captain's plan have worked?" and mainly exploring the Captain's appearance as similar to the mari lwyd, but this post is trying to move the more creature focused discussion separate

SO.

The Doctor has ended up places where they don't save anyone/instead make everything worse (e.g. the First Doctor expanding the scope of the Daleks,"Waters of Mars", I'm pretty sure Five ended up in a few serials where his job was to witness everyone dying around him). I could see TARDIS logic of "I want those two to spend more time together, so I'll drop you off in a spot where there's double the Doctor and Donna!" Or even "we need you to start emotionally processing what happened with the Flux sometime this century." So it's possible all they were there to do was to hang out with their bestie and witness these beings' destruction. That being said, I'm not sure I'd conceptualize "nothing" as anywhere near "dead". A tree could fall in a forest, and it'd cease being a living tree—but one still would need to step over its trunk, ants would nibble and skitter under its bark, fungi spores would sneak between its growth rings, foxes would huddle under the exposed root ball. The tree would no longer be able to impose its will of "grow as tall as possible for as long as possible and photosynthesize"—yet a new forest would emerge from it. (Forestry experts tell you not to remove downed trees from the forest for this reason.) The fungi spores were there when the tree was alive, but living trees release antifungals to keep them from growing, imposing the tree's will of "protect the living bark and wood" on other creatures. The tree's death releases this will, and the fungi can now prosper from the wood. The problem of the mirror-beings wasn't that they were copies or existed—Doctor Who has loudly and proudly been shouting "clone rights!" for at least 15 years—it was that they couldn't see beyond a mission of destruction of all things. The universe didn't need the edge-beings to stop existing as much as it needed to break the sway of their will—i.e. death.

you are RIGHT saying that death isn't the end. like the being said in the episode: "things keep existing when they're gone". it was a realisation, but i think they might've been like "when i'm gone i keep existing too, so of course the tie itself would too"

the edgebeings want destruction. does that mean eviscerating the trees of the universe? or does it mean cutting them down to let a different form of life take root? to let something else grow?

and @timetravelingsherlockian also said this in the replies of that other post:

I am deathly (pun intended) curious if/how/whether the entities dying relates to the salt (given the ghosts/vampires/undead connotations of the superstition). Your proposition that they could be mirroring the ship itself is still making me crawl through the walls.

which is a GOOD point. the entities got scary teeth after being called vampires etc. would that have altered their mortality as well?

my initial theory that they were a bit of Becoming from the birth of the universe that hadn't Become yet also feels worth mentioning somewhere on this new post.

they also worked with expectations initially. Donna expected to see the doctor walk back into the room, not that soon, but she did, and she expected him to talk.

the doctor expected Donna, and expected her to listen (the most basic function of a companion is to be explained things, even if the doctor knows each is so much more than that, that's the basics), and the edgebeing that was donna said very little.

also something i think is important, wild blue yonder, the song, is a war song, or a jolly exploration song. the doctor sees the universe as something to jolly-ily explore, the edgebeings saw it as war

[duskspring]

Flowers and Sentences - Mountain/Cumulus

Domestic December - Day 23

Summary: Mountain tries to put together a special day for Cumulus

Content (do let me know if I forgot anything!): Cuddling, napping together, ruined plans, romance

Word count: ~2.9k

A/N: When I made a post related to this chapter @chapel-of-rizztual made a nice addition to it in the tags that I simply had to use here, so credit for that goes to him

Mountain poured all his focus into keeping his hands still, something that was much harder than usual seeing the cold temperature. He was in the process of cutting some flowers for a small bouquet. He had helped them grow from seeds to full bloom over the course of nearly two years.

He’d come across this particular kind in one of the gardening books in the library. They had caught his attention immediately, the big puffy white petals reminding him of a certain ghoulette’s flowing curls.

He caught himself thinking of Cumulus more and more as of late, the closer he got to harvesting the fruits of his labor. It had started with him wanting to plant something new, then him deciding to grow them for her, then thinking he needs to make it a big gesture.

Thus, he’d asked Cumulus to meet him for dinner that night. He was planning to cook her favorite meal, give her the flowers and say some pretty words. Which words exactly? He’d figure it out.

Mountain delicately tied the flowers together with a light blue ribbon, making sure none of them were squished against one another. He was lucky it had finally stopped raining and snowing for a few nights, leaving the plants and ground dry.

He smiled to himself, proud that he could give Cumulus something he’d worked so hard on. She deserved nothing less.

“I knew you’d be here.”

Mountain instinctively dropped the bouquet and turned around in a flash, trying to cover it and the bush they came from. Of all people, of course Cumulus had to come find here and now. She was dressed up warmly in a beanie and gloves he’d seen her knit herself, as well as a thick winter jacket. She looked positively adorable in the getup.

“I am,” He said stilted, “Did you need something?”

“Yes, actually. About tonight…” She seemed nervous, somewhat sheepish. Mountain’s heart sped up, mind immediately assuming she was going to cancel on him, “What should I wear? Like, will it be something fancy or just casual?”

A sigh of relief left the earth ghoul’s mouth, his shoulders sagging with the release of tension, “Uhm… We could totally make it something fancy, but I’m onboard for whatever you’re most comfortable with.” It really didn’t matter to him. On one hand, Cumulus was worthy of all things special and he wanted to prove he could provide that. On the other, he really did want Cumulus to be at her most comfortable around him.

“I’d like an excuse to dress up,” The ghoulette blushed a bit, “Are you busy right now?”

Mountain gazed over his shoulder to the bouquet. At least one of the flowers had probably been damaged when he dropped it, “A little bit. Do you need my help with anything?”

“Yes but no. I just thought maybe we could meet up a little sooner. Watch a movie and have some warm drinks.” She was fumbling with her hands, sensing that she may be interrupting something.

How could he possibly say no to that? Any chance to spend time close to her was a chance to take. But if he stood up and went with her now, there was no way she wouldn’t see the flowers already. He really wanted to keep those a surprise for a little longer, so he had to work around it here.

“Absolutely, I’d love to. But I need to finish everything here first, so maybe you could go set up already and I’ll join you soon in just a moment.”

“I could also help you.” Cumulus smiled brightly. She’d never been big on gardening, but she was just as desperate to spend time with Mountain as he was for her. Besides, it did always look very calming when he did it.

“No.” He immediately said, regretting it as soon as he saw her expression drop, “I just need to…” He tried thinking of an excuse, “Dethorn a few plants. I don’t want you to get hurt.”

The ghoulette seemed to understand, but stayed a little disappointed, “Aha. Well, be careful as well then. I’ll go get everything ready in my room.” She still made sure to smile at him, trying to cheer herself up as well.

“Thank you. I’ll make it quick.” He mirrored her expression.

The second she disappeared around the corner of the hedge, Mountain turned around in a panic. He examined the bouquet he’d dropped, indeed finding two of them squished and muddied. He untied the ribbon, removed those two, before tying it all together again.

He tried to stifle his disappointment. He still had a few left, and the bush would keep growing in the future. But it wasn’t about the future, it was about tonight.

In a hurry, he made his way back to the ghouls’ den, making sure he didn’t run into Cumulus at any point.

“What are you sneaking around for?” Mountain nearly dropped the flowers a second time, startled by Swiss’ voice.

“Swiss. Perfect.” Mountain waltzed up to him. He nearly shoved the plants into his packmate’s hands, wrapping his own around his to ensure Swiss actually held onto them, “Do me a favor and put these in a vase. Carefully. They’re for Cumulus but I’m not giving them to her yet.”

Without awaiting a response, Mountain hurried away again. He didn’t want to keep her waiting for too long. Once he got to her door, he allowed himself a second to take a deep breath before knocking.

“Come in.” She sounded like her usual cheerful self.

Mountain opened the door, immediately hit with the sweet smell of apple and cinnamon. Cumulus was already laying on her bed, a white woolly sweater and light blue pyjama pants adorning her body.

“There you are.” She smiled, her eyes nearly closing with how wide it was.

Mountain felt frozen in place for a moment. He was always so mesmerised by her beauty. If he didn’t know she was a hellspawn, he’d easily mistake her for a goddess. Snapping back to reality, Mountain stayed just outside of the room to take his boots off in the hall, instead of dirtying up her space. Without care, just wanting to get to her already, he dropped his jacket on the ground next to the shoes. He then stepped back inside and shut the door behind him, making sure to not slam it too hard.

“What’s that?” He asked about the beverages that waited for the two of them on a little tray on her nightstand.

“It’s warm apple juice with cinnamon.” She sounded very excited about it, “A sister had me try it once. It’s really yummy.”

Mountain picked up the two mugs as he came down on the mattress, handing one to Cumulus and inspecting his own. A lot of the cinnamon was merely floating on top of the juice, probably the reason why there was a spoon in there. The warmth tingled his cold hands, the smell automatically making him relax into the bed.

He moved his arm around the back of her bed frame, silently inviting the ghoulette to cuddle into him. She did so as much as she could, without spilling any of the contents in her cup.

“Did you have something in mind to watch?” Mountain asked, a suspicion already on his mind.

Her smile told him he was correct, “A new romcom was recently released.” She said as if it was just a random fact and not a suggestion.

The earth ghoul had never really enjoyed those types of movies before he started watching them with Cumulus. Even if he thought they were incredibly cheesy, he would never deny her the chance to watch something she genuinely enjoyed.

“Sounds like a banger.” He agreed, his heart melting when she snuggled further into his side in thanks.

It emboldened him to put his hand onto her waist, underneath her sweater. She shied away from the touch, yet further into his side.

“You’re cold,” She giggled.

“Oh, sorry.” Mountain made a move to remove his hand again, but she snatched it and held him in place.

“It’s ok. I’ll warm it up.” Her eyes twinkled.

Soon enough the movie was on, the drinks had been finished and both ghouls had slid down the bed frame to lay down in each other’s arms. Indeed, snuggling up like that was a great way to warm up.

Even after the credits rolled, they didn’t move. They’d made their way into a spooning position, Mountain being the big spoon. The two of them fit together so well. Mountain, with as little movement as possible, snapped off the light on the bedside table. Cumulus didn’t react, quite possibly already asleep like he was so close to being. He pushed his face into her curls, enjoying the fresh smell of her shampoo. Its floral scent reminded him of his garden.

His eyes shot open in sudden anxiety. He had been so eager to get to Cumulus he handed a very delicate, very important bouquet to Swiss, who had no clue how to keep them safe. But it would be fine, right? He was told to put them in a vase, how could he possibly mess that up?

Mountain tried to force himself to relax, to just enjoy this soft moment. Swiss didn’t deserve to get doubted like this, he hadn’t done anything wrong.

Cumulus turned around in her sleep, her arms coming around Mountain to pull him a little closer. His heart melted once more, any anxieties vanishing in the instant. He stayed there, nice and warm and so very sleepy.

He didn’t know how much time had passed before he woke up to the sound of a commotion. Somewhere down the hall two people seemed to be shouting to each other.

Cumulus also stirred awake at the sound, but Mountain quickly shushed her, “Don’t wake up. I’ll go take care of it and get you when dinner’s ready.” He whispered. She hummed in agreement, rolling around as he got up.

Getting up groggily, Mountain nearly walked into the door as he rubbed his eyes. As he got closer, the racket down the hall seemed to be settling down.

“I’m sure Mountain will understand.” Dew’s voice sounded dismissive, at which point Mountain practically started running.

“Understand what?” He asked, even before he’d rounded the corner.

The kitchen was a mess. A dishcloth laid on the stove with a clear hole burned through it, a pan and something very charred laid discarded on the floor. But all of that wasn’t what caught his attention. The first thing Mountain noticed was a vase with very burned flowers sat less than a foot away from the stove.

He stared at them, not daring to step closer and assess the damage. That would make it too real.

“On the bright side,” Swiss carefully interjected, “one of them made it out alive.” He held the single left over flower out for the earth ghoul to grab. Mountain made no such move however.

“Who puts flowers right next to a stove?” His voice came out weirdly calm. Weird, because he was fucking fuming.

“Well, I didn’t think Dew’s would be this bad at cooking.” Swiss excused, before sighing and looking at the floor, “I’m really sorry.”

Mountain’s gaze still hadn’t moved away from the burned bouquet he’d build up to for so long. A part of him wanted to freak out, but he knew it wouldn’t solve anything.

“Get out. Both of you. I’ll take care of dinner.” He didn’t leave room for argument. Dew immediately scampered out, glad to escape a lecture. Swiss, on the other hand, stepped closer to Mountain cautiously.

“Where should I put-” The earth ghoul wordlessly snatched the flower from his hand before walking to the counter. With pain in his heart, he threw the burned flowers away and used the vase to preserve the final one. He put it away on the kitchen island away from the stove and got to work on the pack’s dinner.

The midday nap proved to have been a great idea. Cooking two separate times, once for the majority of the ghouls and then again for just Cumulus and him took a lot of energy. Although no one was forcing him to make two different meals, he wanted to do something special for his favorite ghoulette.

He went and set the final plates down on the dining table for everyone to dig in. He took a deep breath trying to switch his mental space towards the different recipe, almost forgetting he still needed to change into a more fancy outfit.

He jogged to his room to do so, putting on the one suit in his closet. It was a rich emerald green color. He put a simple black button up underneath and decided that as much as Cumulus deserved the best out of him, he did have to start cooking soon.

He walked back into the kitchen, freezing for the umpteenth time that day.

Cumulus was sitting on the counter, the stem of a very specific white flower being rolled between her fingers. Seeing them side by side, Mountain realized just how correct he had been in comparing the two. The bloom looked like a second, smaller version of the ghoulette’s glowing hair.

“I’m assuming you grew this,” She noted, not taking her eyes off of it, “It’s beautiful.”

“You weren’t supposed to see it yet. Then again, there were also supposed to be more of them so we can just forget about it anyway.”

That made her look up fast. She delicately put the flower back in the vase, walking up to Mountain and holding his face in her hands so he had no choice but to look her way, “Did something happen?”

Mountain leaned into the touch for a second before walking up to the trash can. Cumulus gasped when he held up the burned remains of the bouquet.

“Oh. Well, at least this one made it out.” She saw it from the bright side, gesturing to it.

“They reminded me of you.” Mountain explained further.

She moved a hand to her heart at that, truly touched, “Thank you so much.” Her voice was soft, her mind too filled with love to notice.

“At least there’s still dinner.” Mountain cheered up at her reaction to his somewhat failed gift. But the flowers had been only one part of the whole.

Cumulus clapped her hands, lifting herself back onto the counter to watch him. He’d taken his suit jacket off, so she got to admire the way the sleeves of his button up were rolled up, the muscles in his arms flexing every time he picked up a pan or cut vegetables. She’d asked to help out, but he’d insisted on spoiling her. Even if a part of her felt a little guilty at just sitting there, usually being the one who enjoyed taking care of others, she did appreciate the effort he was putting in.

She still did whatever he’d allow her to. She tasted small bits of the food so he could gauge her reactions and set out their plates and glasses at the small table that stood in the room.

While Cumulus was happy and calm, Mountain’s mind was racing still. He still didn’t really know how to word his feelings. He tried desperately to come up with what he’d say once they were seated. But there was simply not enough time.

“Done.” He sighed, a little tired but mostly disappointed in himself.

“Yay.” Cumulus beamed, ignorant to his internal struggle with himself. She hopped off the counter to quickly find her way to the table. Her chin leaned on her hands, elbows on the table and legs kicked under the table.

Mountain put their plates down and got the two of them something to drink before finally sitting across from her. He still wanted to come up with something, but as soon as he met her eyes any worry faded from his mind. He was content to simply be there with her.

“Cheers,” She smiled slyly, holding up her glass.

Mountain lifted his own glass and clinked it against hers, “Cheers.” He repeated.

After taking a quick sip, Cumulus brought one of her arms across the table in search of his hand. He grabbed hers, “I do really, really appreciate all you’ve done for me. Today and in general.” She smiled.

“There’s absolutely no need,” He lifted her hand to kiss the back of it, making her giggle a little nervously. He lowered it again very slowly, deciding that aimlessly searching for the right words wouldn’t help either of them, “Cumulus…” She looked at him kindly and expectantly. For a moment he thought of backing out again.

“I love you.” The two said simultaneously.

She giggled again, while Mountain sat awestruck, “Glad we’re on the same page.” She smiled.

“Yeah… But it so-”

“much more than that.” She finished the sentence for him. It was like she was reading his mind, knowing what he felt. Feeling the exact same way, “I know, dear. And I feel the same.” Her smile softened.

Mountain could only nod, not having expected it to go like this of all ways, “I’m glad.” He mumbled, grabbing her hand a little tighter.

[My Main Masterlist | Domestic December Masterlist]

[lajulie24]

I want to hear about the WLW ficlets and... Leia wins the darksaber??

Oh, these are two fun ones…and both happen to be at least tangentially wlw-related, as it turns out.

WLW ficlets

I think these started as a series of ideas I was generating for a Star Wars WLW Week fic event, and then didn’t get as far as I’d planned before the week was over. But I still like the ideas, which include:

- Leia/Evaan - Backstory is that Leia and Evaan had a little fling around the time of the events in the Princess Leia comic. Evaan comes back to base about a year later, she and Leia flirt with each other, other beings notice.

- Leia and Amilyn - Leia is reunited with her friend Amilyn (who is working with the Rebellion but is in the field or stationed elsewhere), and Amilyn teases Leia about things having changed a bit since they were teenagers (referring to the scene in Leia Princess of Alderaan where sixteen-year-old Leia claimed she was only attracted to human men) after Amilyn observes her chemistry with another woman on base.

- Leia/Scarlet - Leia and Scarlet Hark (from Honor Among Thieves) team up on a mission…and more? This ficlet is almost done, so a little more editing and I’ll post it soon!

Leia wins the Darksaber

I’ve written like two paragraphs of this, but I have a rather complicated plot idea for it, which is partly my love of Leia being a badass, partly my desire to see Leia do something interesting in the post-ROTJ canon (such as combine her diplomatic and ass-kicking and Force-sensitive abilities for good), partly my interest in seeing Leia explore her attraction to women while still being happily together with Han, and partly my interest in rewriting what I consider the stupid parts of the recent seasons of The Mandalorian.

Here it is: Din Djarin has the Darksaber and doesn’t really want it, but Bo-Katan won’t just take it from him, so he’s holding on to it for now. Leia runs into Din when he goes to ask Luke for saber lessons and she and Han are visiting Luke (note: there is no Ben Solo in this continuity), and Leia has also been taking Jedi training, including saber lessons. Leia is also very curious to get the skinny on Moff Gideon and all that business because she’s wanting to make sure the New Republic is paying attention to potential threats. When she learns that Bo-Katan wouldn’t just take the Darksaber from Din, she’s like, ��okay, I’ll challenge you for it then” which Din doesn’t really want to do but Leia kind of goads him into a fight using their new saber skills. (He is also way more interested in the fight once he figures out Leia is the Huttslayer.) Din has really improved a lot since Luke started teaching him, but Leia still beats him.

Then Bo-Katan challenges Leia for the Darksaber and while Leia’s original plan was to put up a good show but ultimately let Bo win so she can have it to unite Mandalore, once they start fighting Leia kind of really gets into it, because it’s an honor fight and Leia hasn’t really had a good actual fight in WAY too long. (Also fighting is kinda sexy and Leia might be a little into Bo?) When they get to the point where Leia is about to win and Bo is about to yield, Leia uses the moment to negotiate a bit of an unexpected alliance. (Also they go out for drinks later on and Han is not remotely threatened, he’s all “have fun!”)

Thank you for the asks, those were fun to talk about!

Ask me about my WIPs!

[polysprachig]

tell us more about these projects! i’ve struggled to pick up languages again after an extended break and no time and a project-based approach seems very refreshing!

Apologies in advance for the long post. I do plan on making a more detailed post on this at a later point hopefully a video but I make no promises these days.

Important note!! Before you start any short- or long-term learning projects, begin a polyglot journal outlining your objectives and check in every two weeks with an extra detailed summary of what you’ve done, haven’t done, dislike, feel needs changing, etc. either once per quarter or 2x year. Your micro-goals, methods and timeline should shift over time, showing that you can reassess the project and try out new things to suit your needs. If you don't update on time it's nbd, but at least try to write a note in your planner or calendar about what you did when because it can be extremely helpful one year later when you try to revisit where you are now and how you got there. 🧿🤍

The main projects from 2019 to today include the following

Greek - Conversational Speaking, 2019

Goal: meet for casual 30-minute lessons with a teacher, 2 or 3x per week to build up conversational skills and high frequency grammar in use as a passive bilingual (it being the native language which I actively lost growing up for various reasons).

Reflection: The real studies were repetition in speech and looking up key vocabulary I would need to use to tell my teacher about what happened in the last week, and my teacher supplied me with additional vocabulary to help me be more specific. Now I have a record of that vocabulary which I can review whenever by topic/story. Plus my family did notice my drastic improvement and asked if I had been studying.

Irish - The Merlin Project (Quarantine Project), 2020-2022 (+ ongoing, needs new methodology because I met my aims a while back at this point)

Aim: Go from A2 to B1 by learning to write so that you can have the skills to be able to read longer texts

Challenge: Rewatch an episode from the last show that you watched and write down what you see in as much detail as possible, making sure to use a grammar point you’re currently studying in your writing. Look up new words to make the text more specific and add them to the description. Correct your text. Watch the same scene again and add more detail, as in the following:

(Basically: first: do a grammar practice, then: watch 30 seconds, write using that grammar, translate dialogue if you want, consult dictionary, write again incorporating the new words and/or make the sentences more complex, at the end: correct your text yourself or with a teacher, start again and repeat until the scene or full episode is complete or you've exhausted the usefulness of the exercise.)

Alternatively just write or translate fanfiction, but I don't say that here.

By self-correcting you should become very confident on the basic skills at your level, whereas the rewriting itself allows for varied attempts at forming sentences and vocabulary acquisition in a specific context.

FYI I posted the project itself along with the notes to my website (here) and intend to share the presentation on the experience I gave in the Gaeltacht this past August soon enough.

Multilingual, select Romance and Germanic languages - The Diana Project, 2022-present

Challenge: dive deep into the rhythm, melody and sound of certain languages (which relate to a poet I’m analysing) via a slow read of poetry and familiarisation with the poet, poet-translator and poet-actor

Components: read, write, translate and recite poetry on the subject of Greco-Roman tragedy (now its shifting to satire after 1+ year or so of tragic influences) from select eras and in select styles, ex. ottava rima, rhyming verse & simultaneously learn about the rhetoric of poetics that influenced these authors and their poems or translations

These writings I’m still adding to my website as part of a translation, recitation and poetry portfolio.

Most recently, I’ve started what I call the Secret Senecan Project which requires reading certain ancient and mediaevil texts on stories I’m familiar with in the original, identifying key words based on context then extrapolating the grammar from their features (declinations, location in reference to other word forms, etc.). The next step will be to compare these predictions with the bilingual translation and consult my grammar books in those languages to confirm or improve my predictions.

If you’ve made it this far, thanks for reading! I hope to polish this up and make the details more learner-friendly sometime before 2024. (:

[romana-after-dark]

Ghost of You: Chapter 3

Ellie Miller & Joel Miller

ft. Tommy Miller, Lorenzo and Zach Aleverano

Summary: 16 years after her mom and dad's death, Ellie is finding her place in Jackson, being raised by her Uncle Tommy with the help of her uncle's Lorenzo and Zach. She loves them, but can't help but feel stifled. Soon, she finds out her suspicions were true, and her uncles have been lying to her. Will Ellie learn the truth? Can she trust anyone in this situation?

Takes place after The Wrong Way, but if you havn't read that series (too dark for you, too long, etc) you can read this. Since it's through Ellie's perspective, you can discover the truth alongside her.

DARK FIC! This is a dark!Joel, with canon typical violence and extra on the Joel. Anything discussed or shown in TWW is liable to be discussed here. There will be violence, but no shown sexual violence. Although this Joel is very dark, he is NOT DARK TO ELLIE. None of the things that happened to Ellie's mom are applicable to Ellie, but will be discussed.

Content warnings for entire series, not chapter by chapter unless more is added.

Talk/mentions/discussions of post rape, molestation, torture, violence, branding, forced breeding, major age gap (early 20's to later 40's), death. Child endangerment, major character death, murder, homophobic remarks, minor hate crime, manipulation, identity crisis.

This is longer than I meant it to be (4.5k words), but I needed these three scenes in there and I didn't want to rush. It's hard balancing showing you Ellie's relations with all 3 uncles AND Joel developed and change and shift.

Extra warning for homophobia, and Joel being Joel.

Also some lines/back and forth are directly from the game. I've been watching scenes a lot on youtube to really get the Jackson vibes. Remember, this isn't exactly Ellie we know. She's lead a different life than show/game Ellie, and she's16 so between ages of the games. I did my best to keep Ellie Ellie, but also how might Ellie be different growing up more sheltered.

******************

“So I was thinking, if you think you can get away from Tommy for a few hour, I could meet up with my horse this time, bring you to where I live, if you’d like?”

Joel and Ellie were fishing in their usual spot, a secluded area that Ellie was pretty sure no one was going to outside of patrols; and this was her section.

“Really?” She looked up at Joel from where they both sat, his kind eyes looking down at her, awaiting an answer.

“If you aren’t ready, of course, we don’t gotta. I know it’s kinda a big step but-”

“I’d love to! If I’m gonna take over, I better start learning the land outside of Jackson, huh?”

He smiled at her fondly. “Yeah, it’ll be like bring your daughter to work day.”

“Huh?”

“Never mind, pre-outbreak joke. You can meet some of the guys if you want. If not I’ll tell ‘em to clear out while we’re there.”

Ellie’s eyes lit up. “Really?! Wicked!” 

“Careful.” He chuckled. “You’re starting to sound like you’re uncle Lorenzo.”

Two months ago, that would’ve been a compliment.

It took a few weeks to plan, but Ellie managed to trade some thing Joel brought her to Jesse in order for him to take her farming shift for the day. Jesse’s parents didn’t care where he was. After Ellie accidently cut Tommy’s hand, Maria thought it was only fair Ellie pick up the slack for what Tommy was unable to do. Well, unable wasn’t the right word. He had, in fact, tried to go to work as usual but got sent some when his dried wound broke open and bleed all over him. The news, of course, got to Maria who came to see him and found out the extent of the injury. Tommy refused to let Maria make Ellie do his work, not wanting her up on roofs or around heavy machinery, so Lorenzo swapped in for Tommy and Ellie was in charge of Lorenzo’s work for a few weeks while Tommy’s hand healed. He still helped as much as he could, but was frequently sent home with Maria telling him the point of a commun was everyone pitched in to help each other. Ellie found she liked the work, and even after Tommy got permission to work again she began doing agriculture in addition to patrol. It was summer, and she figured she needed to start doing more for the community. If she was going to take over for Joel, the more skills she had the better. She planned on earning her role, not just inheriting it.

Ellie stood at the porch, nervous. Not of Joel, no. She trusted him. Not nervous of the men inside, no. Joel wouldn’t let them do anything to her. No, this is the house. The house. The one she was conceived in, the one Joel took her mom to when he rescued her from Ellie’s grandpa, the one Joel and Uncle Tommy lived in for years before her mom, the one where her mom met Uncle Tommy and Uncle Lorenzo… This is the house she was born in, the house her mom died in. Joel had told her he and the men were gone when it happened, when the infected came. Tommy had found them, Tommy having come to the house for a reason he wouldn’t tell Joel… but he was the one that found the two of them before Joel came home and saw what happened.

“Do you wanna see her first?”

Behind the house is where her mom was buried.

“Please?”

Ellie stared at the grave, a headstone that read her first and middle name followed by Miller. Wife, mother, friend. ‘For they say you are taking the sunshine’ was inscribed on it, song lyrics Ellie knew right away. In the front, near patches of grass and a well worn area for sitting, there were flowers at varying stages of decomposition at the base… Joel brought them a lot, it seems. “Red River Valley” Ellie muttered about the lyrics, choking back tears. She will not cry, she told herself. “That’s uncle Zach’s favorite.”

Joel nodded in understanding. “Your moms too. Learned it on guitar just for her.”

Walking in the house, her chest felt tight, feeling like she may have another panic moment like she did when she first met Joel… all eyes were on her as she walked in, Joel telling them to ‘show some goddamn respect’ to shut them up. Walking in the dining room, however… her worry dissipated. Joel had set up a meal for her. “Figured you’d be hungry. I’m not the best cook, but…”

Thing was, it was good, vegetables and all. Joel even muttered manners after she ripped a large belch at the table. Afterwards, Joel asked if she wanted to see the room. Ellie knew which one.

It was strange, seeing the room she was born in, the room her mom died in. The window had been boarded up, a shitty mattress on the floor, a piano to the right and a few boxes of random things here and there.

“This is where your mom lived when she first came to live with us, before we were married. These are her things. You can look if you want.”

And look she did. Ellie flipped through the items, taking them out and holding them, smelling the clothes, boxes of pretty dresses, a few baby items that they had gotten preparing for her birth, a well-worn deck of cards… With Joel’s permission to explore and a heartsick eye watching her, she touched the things her mom touched, slowly getting a sense of who she was, dust-collected memories strewn about the room as Ellie took in everything she could: comic books that read Star Wars on the cover, a book called Jurassic Park, eventually landing on the piano.

She stood up from the floor of memories she never got to have, approaching the small piano with care and wonder. Zach taught her to appreciate instruments; they were rare, Lorenzo working extra hard and drawing in all his connections to bring Uncle Zach the one he had.

Tentatively, Ellie plucked out a few cords, drawing Joel over to where she stood.

“You play, Ellie June?”

Ellie nodded. “A little. Zach taught me some. I’m not good, but… I know Red River Valley.”

A soft smile spread across his sad face. “I’d love to hear you play, baby girl”

“I’m not singing. Fuck that shit.” She was quick to warn, making Joel chuckle and assure her he could handle that part.

With hesitant hands, she began playing the cords, and to her delight, Joel leaned over the piano as he began singing. He stared at her, intense and seemingly lost in thought. Ellie pulled her eyes away from his to concentrate on the keys. She couldn’t play when he looked at her with such pain…

“From this valley they say you are going…”

When concluded, the tears that glistened in Joel’s eyes were evident; a sharp agony pierced his so deep Ellie wondered how he made it through all these years without them. 

“I loved her” His voice croaked.

“I know”

“No, I just…” Joel closed his eyes and shook his head. “I know you know.” When he looked at her again, she was greeted with a soft smile, the kind of smile that warmed her front he sadness that ached for her mom, for him… “I love you both, Ellie June. Very much. Death don’t stop me from loving her.”

Ellie nodded, but was uncomfortable with emotions like that, so she abruptly changed the subject, looking over the box of clothes. “She had a lot of dresses.”

There was that smile again, that fond, wistful smile. “Yeah, it was impractical, really, but she looked so pretty… I brought her back everything I could find, she could usually sew them up to fit.”

She couldn’t remember the last time she wore a dress; Uncle Tommy stopped putting her in them when he realized how much Ellie did not like wearing them, never pressed the issue. Now she was regretting not having anything, just a tad.

“There’s a town dance coming up… I don’t even got a sundress or nothing.”

Joel immediately jumped at the opportunity, striding over to the closet and flipping past them. “You can look through these! They might not be your style, their awfully girlie-” he quickly turned around. “Not that you’re not girlie!”

“I’m not.” She chuckled, and Joel chuckled back. “But won’t uncle Tommy recognize them?”

“Most of them are from after Tommy left- here, what about this one, it’s simple.”

Joel pulled out a dress that would rest right at Ellie’s knees, a collarbone neckline and ¾ sleeves. Simple, not showy.

“It’s really fucking purple” She said, hesitant.

His smile faltered a bit, the excitement in his voice fleeting out as he went to hang it back up. “You’re right, you’re right, maybe there’s something black in here? Or, depending how far away it is I can see what I can get my hands on for you?”

Ellie realized he was trying to connect, trying to make an effort, trying to do dad things with Ellie the way he never could before. She jumped up, quickly grabbing the dress. “It’ll be fun!” She assured. “I don’t really wear dresses anyway, so I’ll be trying all kinds of new stuff.”

Joel’s face lit up with so much bright excitement, she thought he looked 10 years younger. “You tryna impress someone, Ellie June?”

Heat crept up her neck and onto her face. She was, kinda. Dina had made a comment a few weeks ago how pretty another girl, Jess, looked in a dress and Ellie thought about it non-stop for a week. It wasn’t that she was trying to impress Dina, no! That would be silly! But… did she want Dina to think she was pretty too? She wasn’t sure. She had only just learned the truth of her existence. One identity crisis at a time.

Instead of telling her she can’t have a boyfriend, hounding her on who, giving her a talk, Joel simply smiles. “Good. Love is a beautiful thing.” He wanders over to the boxes of items. “You like to read?”

She nodded. “Yeah, when something catches my interest.”

Sifting through the books, Joel found what he was looking for. The book was hefty, nearly the size of a brick, the cover reading ‘Jurassic Park’. He tossed it to her. “Thought you might like this one. Lots of action. The leading lady is named Ellie, I think that’s where your mom got your name.”

Ellie looked at the book. She imagined her mom reading it, flipping through the pages while pregnant with her, as Joel worked long hours to protect his community and have everything Ellie and her mom needed… “What if Uncle Tommy see’s it?”

The bright look on Joel’s face darkened just a bit. “You’re awfully worried about him. He good to you? He take care of you?” 

“I mean… yeah.” Although her and Tommy weren’t on speaking terms, she would never say he didn’t take care of her. Hell, every single day there was a plate or a bowl for dinner made up for her in the fridge with a note saying to eat her vegetables. That was all the communication she had other than Ellie shouting the newest lie of where she’d be.

“He don’t hurt you, does he?” Joel’s voice was calm and steady, but there was a deadliness behind it.

Ellie burst out laughing at that, cackling for a while before she looked up at Joel’s confused face. “Sorry” She said through laughs. “I know you’re trying to be protective but-” A few more laughs. “Tommy’s never so much as frowned at me. He couldn't hurt me if he tried.” 

“You have no idea what Tommy is capable of.” The warning in his tone was clear. ‘You don’t want to know the things he’s done’ but Ellie just laughed at Joel’s serious act.

“No, no I know,” She giggled. “I’m well aware. He was a raider, and Tommy’s told me he wasn't proud of himself before he came to Jackson” Slowly, Ellie’s laughs settled, but her smile reminded as Jel watched her intently. “But Tommy would never hurt me.” Thinking back on the last 16 years, the years she remembered anyway, thinking about Tommy… the gentle father who showered her in nothing but kindness, understanding, care… Maybe she had judged him too harshly…

Joel’s body language changed, he loosened up again. “Few weeks before I kicked Tommy out, I found bruises on your mom.” He began walking around the room, pacing, avoiding Ellie’s eyes again. 

“...What?” The life was sucked out of the room.

“She had some excuse or another, I questioned her if it was Lorenzo, Jack, any of the men… I didn’t even asking if it was Tommy. Never thought he could either.” Joel continued talking as Ellie listened intently, mouth slightly open agap. “When he left, she finally told me. Broke down sob’n about it, broke my damn heart, seeing her like that. Told me Tommy had come onto her.”

Ellie stood in shock at the revelation. All this time, Tommy spoke about her mom with such wonder, such reverence, tere had been times she wondered if he had feelings for her… but Renzo and Zach spoke similarly. She was an innocent, good person who died a tragic death, it was no wonder they held her in high esteem… but love? Or is it lust… What exactly was it he had done?

“Did he… did he tried to…” She couldn’t get the words out. She couldn’t fathom Tommy raping someone… but she was beginning to wonder if the Tommy she knew wasn’t really Tommy at all.

“No” Joel assured before clarifying. “Not that… but… he wanted her to choose him over me.” A slight blush, a shuffle of feet, the smallest sad smile… “This was early on, we were still figure’n things out, you know? I think she might’ve had a crush on him. I wouldn’t blame her if she did. I was gone long hours, leaving her alone with Tommy to protect her, it’s only natural. But she wouldn’t leave me. She said he took her arm, tried to pull her, get her to run away together ‘n shit. She wouldn’t go. She was loyal like that…” There it was again, that wash of sadness, that unbearable pain that Ellie had no idea how he stomached. “He gripped her hard enough she bruised for days…” When his eyes met hers again, there was a flash of anger, something she had yet to see from him. “I’m not say’n he’d hurt you either, I’m just say’n if he does, or he scares you, or you just want to leave for any reason… you have a home here. I’ll take care of you, Ellie June.”

Ellie’s eyes watered, but more importantly, she was focused on her stomach not spilling over in disgust. This was the nail in the coffin. Not only was her entire life a lie, but the man she had loved most in this world was no longer a safe person, no longer a good person, no longer her dad.

The dance was a week later, Ellie stepping out of her room in a dress to see Tommy turn around, mouth agape at the sight of his niece in a dress for the first time in… what? A decade? But Ellie ignored him.

“You look nice” Tommy tried to tell her as she stormed through the hall in the purple dress (a light jean jacket on to offset the purple) “Be safe. I’ll be there in a bit if you want to-” but she was gone before he could finish. Ellie and Tommy always danced together, starting with little Ellie in his arms, then standing on his feet, then slowly learning moves as Tommy swung her around. A year back, Ellie asked why he always danced with her, why he taught her all these fancy moves, and he said it was so Ellie wasn't impressed by “some no good Johnny sidestepping to a slow song. If he loves you, he'll learn how to do the pretzel.”

Ellie had no intention of dancing with Tommy tonight. He joined the town hall as promised a little bit after her carrying the moonshine he was famous for. He used to allow her and Dina some sips here and there if they swore to be responsible… but Ellie was not going to ask. Maybe she could get Jesse to get a cup for them, Tommy wouldn’t know how old Jesse was, right? Ellie couldn’t stand looking at Tommy any more… Over the last week, she had mauled over what Joel had revealed: Tommy taking her, Tommy, Zach and Lorenzo lying, Tommy hurting her mom, trying to take her away from Joel… she was disgusted. The man she knew didn’t exist.

The offer to move in with Joel was on the table, and Ellie was considering it… Only thing is, even if she was furious at Tommy, she was still going to miss her other uncles and her aunts. Jackson was all she knew. Of course, she’d need to move in with Joel eventually if she was going to take over, and sooner is better than later, but besides the obvious of leaving her hometown, there was a huge, glaring reason why Ellie was hesitant to leave, and she was dancing in Ellie’s arms right now.

Dina.

Ellie spoke softly to her friend as they slowly danced… it was that basic side to side that Tommy warned her about, but Dina wasn’t a man. Dina was Dina, just a friend… “Every guy in this room is staring at you right now.”

“Maybe they're staring at you.”

She nodded, but didn’t believe her. Ellie never thought of herself as much to look at. It wasn’t that she was self deprecating, to her, it was just a fact.  But That’s okay, she didn’t need to be pretty… well, except to Dina. “They're not.”

“Maybe they're jealous of you.”

“I'm... just a girl. Not a threat.”

“Oh Ellie... I think they should be terrified of you.”

To Ellie’s surprise, Dina went in for a kiss… and to Ellie’s bigger surprise, she reciprocated it. It felt good, so, so good to finally let out that tension, that desire for her friend she’s had for so long… until she felt a strong grip on her shoulder, and she let go of Dina.

“Hey, this is a family event.”

Turning to see Seth, Ellie wanted to back away, to apoligize and leave it alone… but if she was going to lead a group of raiders in protecting a community, she needed to be strong, to be brave, she needed to be the kind of woman Joel thought she was. Although only 5’1, Ellie stood up as tall as she could get and faced off with the old man in front of her. “We weren’t doing anything, Seth.”

Seth glared down at her. “Yeah, you were. We don’t need another goddamn dyke in this town.”

Before Ellie could respond, Seth was ripped off of her, Ellie wobbling forwards as Seth’s grip on her shoulder was yanked away.

“Get your goddamn hands off my daughter!” Tommy shouts, shoving him back and away from Ellie. Zach jumps in, something about ‘Did you fucking hurt her?’ and predictably, Lorenzo isn’t far. Seth has some choice words to say to Renzo and Zach and Ellie knows a few of them are slurs, but in the chaos of the four men and the shock entering her system, she can’t make out much. Maria appears, telling Tommy to settle it, and Tommy calls her uncles away, telling Seth that if he finds him near his ‘child’ ever again, he’s a dead a man, earning a glare from Maria as she ushered Seth away.

Tommy turned to her, attempting to put his hands on her face but Ellie stumbled back in fear. She didn’t trust Tommy anymore.

“Fuck off!” She shouted at the man who had only ever been loving to her, watching his heart shatter in his dark eyes. Lorenzo and Zach’s voices are heard interchangeably trying to calm her down, but Ellie had tunned them out.

“Ellie, I’m sorry” Tommy began. “He had no right-”

“And you do?” She shouted back.

“Elles, what-”

“YOUR LYING TO ME!” It was all but a scream now, echoing off the walls of the dance hall that had now silenced at the scene unfolding before them. “You’re all fucking lying to me!” She referenced her married uncles watching them. “Fuck you!” Running away from them, running past Dina, Ellie took off into Jackson as Lorenzo’s voice called for her, his footsteps keeping after hers for a short while before he stopped. Uncle Renzo had been shot in his torso before she was born, and the old wound showed up in his limited ability to do cardio.

By the time Ellie had made it home, both hers and her uncles houses looked like the had gone to step. Ellie almost made it up the stairs to the porch when she heard Zach’s voice over from his. “Is that what you’ve been hiding?”

Ellie wiped her head around to see him. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Zach didn’t move to get up, simple sat in his chair, watching her. He didn’t look made, worried, sad… he just looked like Zach.

“Dina. You guys seeing each other?”

A blush crept up Ellie’s face. “I- I don’t- that was nothing we just-”

“30 years ago, Ren and I wouldn’t have been able to get married, you know that?”

Ellie nodded. She did know that before, men weren’t allowed to marry men, and women weren’t allowed to marry women. 

Zach continued, soft and calm as he always was. “You have a blessing here. I ain’t saying you need to fall in love and marry her, but… she treat you right?”

The teared welled up again. Yes, yes Dina absolutely did. “Y-yeah.”

He nodded again. “That’s all I need to know about that, Ellie Bellie. I need you to understand something. What we are- or rather, what me, Ren, June and Maura are… you don’t need to label anything right now. What we are, for thousands of years was something that meant we could be legally killed for and was something people continued to beat and kill us for up until the outbreak. It was only a few years before when a boy in this very state was killed for being gay; just a teenager, about your age. Hell, it happens still, I know, but I think there are so much bigger issues at hand, most people just… begrudgingly accept it. Some people, like Seth, say a few things but he wouldn’t beat you, wouldn’t torture you, wouldn’t see the things I’ve seen…” Zach closed his eyes and shook his head before opening them. He didn’t say a thing about the tears that had finally fallen from Ellie’s face. “I ain’t tryna scare ya, or guilt trip ya. I’m just saying… it’s a beautiful thing to be living somewhere that we don’t gotta hide anymore. And if you are gay, I just… I need you to know, you don’t have to be afraid or ashamed. I love you, very much, so do Lorenzo, June and Maura. And even though you aren’t talking, Tommy would die for your right to love who you love.”

Ellie couldn’t talk. She could betray how much she had been crying in the light of the moon, how much Zach’s words had touched her, how much she was scared of her future. But Zach knew.

He nodded one final time. “Slam the door when you get in so Tommy knows you’re safe.”

It wasn’t long after the dance that things escalated for Ellie. Joel had been walking with her, showing her the rounds as he usually did when he asked if she’d like to take things a step further, if she wanted to see what he really did, the hard parts.

Of course she did. “What do you mean?”

Joel nudged her off their regular path that Ellie was getting to know, and explained. “Got a man, justice that needs to be served. You okay with seeing that?”

Ellie didn’t need to know what kind of justice it was. She trusted Joel, and if he thought the man needed to die, then he needed to die. Soon, she was standing in front of a man with a black bad over his head who was tied up to a tree. By the sounds of his muffled whimpers and cried, he must have been gagged by something. He was afraid, desperately trying to get out of the ties that bound him to the rough trunk that left bleeding scratches on his arms and hands.

Suddenly face to face with the concept, Ellie’s resolve wavered around her. “Joel, I don’t know…” The man paused for a second, listening to her it seemed.

Joel turned to her, his face open but firm. “This is part of the job. You can’t just have others doing the dirty work, we gotta be able to do as we tell others, Ellie June.” When Jole emphasized her name, the man began screaming in hysterics, writhing and thrashing against the tree which only served to disturb Ellie more.

The leaves and sticks beneath her crackled and she shifted her weight to the other foot. “I dunno… do I have to watch?”

His face was grave and serious. “Ellie June, if you don’t think you can do this, you can tell me now. You’ll always be my daughter and I’ll love you and take care of you. You don’t have to take over-”

“No!” Ellie jumped in, trying to ignore the frantic pleas from the man in front of her. “Just… he deserves it, right?”

“Absolutely. I don’t hurt people who don’t deserve it.” Joel talked over the wailing that was growing increasingly hard to ignore. “We don’t tolerate rapists here.”

Ellie gave her consent, and Joel, inturn, gave her earplugs. “Don’t wanna end up deaf like your old man.”

Stepping up to the man, Joel placed the gun up to his bag-covered forehead and fired. To Ellie’s shame, she mostly felt relief that the man stopped screaming, even though it was because the life left his body, head hanging down low as his body slumped forward. Shock was probably the best way to describe her feelings, she was unable to process witnessing her first death… but he deserved it, right? This was good. The man was a rapist. Rapists deserve death, and Joel didn’t tolerate rapists in his communities. This was a good thing. This was a good thing. Joel was a good guy. Joel protected women. Tommy had hurt her mom. Joel protected her mom. This was a good thing. 

“What are you doing?” Ellie asked, shaking like a leaf- when did she start shaking? Was she scared? There was no reason to be scared, not of Joel. This was a good thing.

Joel was bent over the man, lifting up his sleeve and doing something Ellie couldn’t see.

“Always take credit for what you do, Ellie June. Never hide in the shadows.”

This was a good thing.

*****************

Ellie's name comes from Jurassic Park bc i fucking said so. I love Jurassic Park, so sue me.

Anway! Lots happening here

Fun fact I was already planning on having Tommy defend Ellie against someone being homophobic and I'm talking to Maura about it, and she, who loves the games and played the second one, goes "you'll never beleive this" turns out theres a scene in the game XD so hey!

All the stuff in little ones rooms made me emo esp the playing cards ;-;

and the irony of Joel saying he doesnt tollerate rapists SIDE EYE

@maura-honey @my-secret-shame-but-fanfiction @the-fox-den @not-a-unique-snowflake-blog @koshkaj-blog @primosworld @miraclesabound @ramblers-lets-get-ramblin

[lavenderjewels]

JJK chapter 246 thoughts below

Because the official chapter’s translations last week were disappointing in a couple of ways, I read the fan translation. Keeping all my thoughts here until the official one drops!

I loved this chapter a lot! :’)

MEGUMI.

I have been SO confident that yuuji is trying to save megumi since he was taken over that I am unbelievably satisfied, especially after seeing way too many posts that megumi is 100% dead or has no chance. I’ve been slightly bitter at seeing so many theories about Gojo coming back that don’t make sense when it would be a crime if he came back but not Megumi (or Nobara). The only question is whether or not Yuuji will actually be able to save Megumi or if either will die in the process—for my own sake, I’m believing in the power of friendship. Also, I wish there were date/time stamps for the flashbacks, since it’s hard to remember when in the time skip it is.

And LOVE that Yuuji was the one that came up with that plan. Nothing will ever be easy and there’s no way this plan can go right without more death, but that little sliver of hope is fantastic. I can always rely on Yuuji being the “humanity” of the team. Thinking back to when Hana and him off-handedly wondered if Gojo forgot about Megumi during the fight. It’s nice having two people who are invested in saving Megumi when the situation is dire.

Did Choso getting punched x2 straight through the chest and stomach worry me? Yes, but he’s not dead and Yuuji didn’t look devastated, so I’m taking this as a positive that he’s out of the fight for now. If he wasn’t a half curse and it wasn’t so casual, I’d be concerned. Sukuna does NOT like either of the siblings since he’s met both. Very sweet that Yuuji caught him the second Sukuna threw him aside.

The color page (which looks incredible) is fueling my belief that Maki is with Yuuta as help with Kenjaku. That, or the current team is the first round of fighters and they’ll need her soul sword for something last-minute sukuna related, but I just wouldn’t be surprised if the jujutsu high second years stuck together.

Higuuuuuuuurumaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa <3

I love him. “Sukuna found himself completely enthralled—“ same

No really, I’ve adored his character since chapter 159 released and I’m so happy that one of my favorite characters is getting all this. I already have other posts lined up for when the official chapter drops, but I love him.

His conversation with Yuuji was dark, but I love these quiet moments of insight. Such a good chapter for all these tiny character moments with interesting implications.

Despite my disappointment at the trial ending so soon, I like this fight and I think Sukuna does too (for Higuruma). The end pages about Higuruma’s quick learning and adaption to sorcery is exactly what I wanted to see!

(Continuing) Higuruma is essentially a tired lawyer new to sorcery and is not nearly as overpoweringly strong as Gojo, yet the manga states he rivals Gojo in raw talent and adaptability. Realistically, he doesn’t and can’t have that overpowered strength to the degree of Gojo, but I love how that doesn’t diminish the skills he does have and shows how valuable these characters can be (and it’s not JUST talent, but how their mindset around life and sorcery too). They don’t have to be overpowered to have a profound impact and be smart in their fighting.

(Continuing) I remember seeing comments after Gojo died that there was no use because there can’t be a way for the protagonists to defeat Sukuna without a deus ex machina, plot armor, etc. But I hoped the story would lean into the characters’ strengths and have them work together to find a smart way with combined effort to take down Sukuna, rather than Gojo be the magical solution to killing Sukuna and Kenjaku. So this chapter worked in a lot of ways for me.

(Continuing) It’s the same reason why Yuuji turning his role put on him (by others and himself) as a cage/tool into something significant in this fight is very compelling. At a surface level, these characters are much weaker than Sukuna, but I think they genuinely have a chance. Plus, it’s more entertaining to have a team fight in jjk and, despite still heavily incorporating the power system, I find this fight to already be more emotional and investing than the Gojo Sukuna one. Not to be overly negative on that last fight (there’s good moments in it and the fighting itself is fun), but this is what I wanted from JJK!

More people will die at some point. Better not be Choso (Yuki died for him so that had better not go to waste immediately), but could honestly be anyone. I do think there’s going to be a moment where things do end up going right for the protagonist team, but that could be a long time from now. Kusakabe being surprised at himself for his willingness to die to protect Higuruma was??? Adorable??? A duo I never considered, but I need them to survive (unlikely) and interact more now that I’m thinking of how well they’d get along.

Another long review of a jjk chapter, but had a great time with this one! At this point, I mention it weekly, but Sukuna in his original form is beautiful every time I see him and im very happy to have him in that form for this fight.

[turtle-to-dragon]

a return to goal-setting and logging and blogging

I figured it's time to start using this space more like I did before. A lot has happened in my life since I last posted personal stuff; I've changed my profession, moved back to my hometown, returned to my first and most beloved martial arts school, started Chinese sword training, had a few pleasant encounters with HEMA practicioners, started teaching kung fu again...

I haven't trained as consistently as I'd have liked, and I had some months where I didn't exercise or move or do much of anything, at all. Fortunately, that's behind me now, and I'm back at a state of mind where I feel comfortable setting martial arts related goals again.

Now I know it's important to keep it as specific and measurable and actionable as possible, and I *also* know that it's probably important to not plan too much at once... but ehhhh. I'll just try to be kind to myself and keep the daily actions small and short enough to not overwhelm myself. At the same time I know I need consistency and a plan to achieve those things.

My goals;

(re)learn the Sword Hand Form, so I can perform it fluidly, with intent, in a way that I would be able to teach it to others, by September.

optimize the Leopard Form, so that I can perform it fluidly, with intent and appropriate depth and the character of the animal, by mid August.

get good at deep stances so I can maintain them comfortably for a minute (horse stance, reversed bow stance, empty stance) on each side.

get better with the leopard kick (which is a sneaky one, pretending to go all straight and then at the very last moment turning inward or outward)

get better with the leopard strikes (the circular in the straight, the straight in the circular, as my teacher said)

learn the 3 Principles Sword Form (san cai jian) so that I can perform it correctly, with intent, with body-sword-movement, with a partner, by December.

establish a sword training routine so that it becomes part of my daily life. start with maybe ten minutes a day, keep a checklist with drills to practice nearby, and re-evaluate after two weeks if this actually helps with anything.

pain-free, strong right shoulder, so I can go through 2 x 1.5 hours of sword training or regular kung fu training per week, or so I can get into push-up position, or hold a focus mitt against serious punches and kicks without pain... By stability and mobility exercises on every second day (alternating with leg work)

pain-free, stable left ankle, so I can go through 2 x 1.5 hours of kung fu training on mats per week, including jumping and standing on one leg without falling over or being in pain for days... by stability and mobility exercises on every second day (alternating with shoulder stuff)

improve endurance so I can sprint up one or two flights of stairs without feeling like I might die. I'll probably start with a C25K training program again, and training with stairs would probably help as well. What doesn't help is that I abhor starting this kind of training because it feels so miserable. (That's probably me wanting too much, too soon...)

Yeah. Like I said.. maybe a bit much, but I'll try and figure it out.

.oO(goals for July and beyond...)

Other things, apart from the goals:

On Friday my new sword will be delivered, yay! Getting the shipping notification today made my Monday significantly better. More swords for everyone!

Looking forward to a HEMA introductory workshop on longsword in less than three weeks, with a kung fu sister and two other good friends <3

very much enjoying having a very motivated kung fu sister that matches me in thirst for knowledge and enthusiasm for this art.

My first kung fu teacher and my mom both said that they would like to be present during my next kung fu exam. I don't know yet when that will be, but I feel honored that they want to be there. And it feels kinda fitting, since they were both present at my very first training at this school, 22 years ago. ^_^

After tidying up my room, I now have (hopefully) enough space in my bedroom/living room to practice sword techniques. (Looking at you, ceiling lamp... Stay where you are!)

Okay, that's it for now. Off to actually train now :D

[seaofreverie]

Happy 1st anniversary to The Girl Is Crying In Her Latte! I felt like sharing some thoughts on the album for the occasion.

I rarely though about it until this very moment, but I just realized that I can definitely consider this album very special to me personally. Of course, most importantly it was the first album to come out after I learned about Sparks, and my 3rd album that I listened to from them overall, soon after Kimono My House and Propaganda. I already started considering myself a fan around then, but on the more casual side still I suppose (even though I could already tell by then that this was no random band I was getting interested in, but the start of a major hyperfixation, and, well, I was more than right about that). Still, I was definitely already looking forward to this album and planning to listen to it the day it was released. And so I did, and I loved it right away! The day of its release ended up being the same day that I was moving out of somewhere that I stayed the previous two years while studying, and my graduation was coming soon too. So now it has a bit of an end of an era feel to me too. I also remember listening to it a bit later, while visiting a city I've wanted to visit for a while during summer holidays... Some pleasant memories all around definitely.

Since that first listen I've actually had some slightly more mixed feelings about the album. I didn't think it was lacking or anything, I do think it's a brilliant album. Still, I couldn't help but feel like something was slightly "off" about it as a whole whenever I tried to listen to it, so I just had to start appreciating some of the songs on their own before I could come around to the whole album again. Which took a couple of months in the end, but I also have to keep in mind that in that time I was doing lots of catching up with the huge Sparks discography and all those related things, and putting most of my attention to that. I can definitely tell that I love this album now, both for what it is in itself and what it means to me too.

As for some song highlights, Veronica Lake was an early favourite both on this album and in that portion of Sparks' discography that I knew by that point, and it's still one of my favourites on TGICIHL. A Love Story also stood out quickly, I just think it's very fun and the kind of "weird" that I often end up loving in music. A bit later, and especially towards the end of last year, It Doesn't Have To Be That Way became THE song for me from this album however. A big part of it is the lyrics of course, I think it's fair to say that it's one of the most, let's say, relatable?, personal? that possibly ANY song has ever felt to me. Especially the following lines:

They always said that you need to have a plan

Doesn't matter, any plan, any plan they'll understand

It doesn't have to be that way, okay?

As I said, I graduated since, but felt pressured to make the next move in life immediately. It's like I wasn't even allowed to think about where I am now and where I could possibly go next, or even think about how, despite the hardships that came with it, I managed to finish my studies. Not to mention that post-graduation times turned out to be the start of my burnout that has only gotten worse progressively... Not being able to catch a real break without having to make SOME sort of decision, even if it was just continuing my studies with a different field of study, felt truly draining. So it was comforting to hear this sort of reassurance that it's alright if I don't have a plan or don't know where I should go next and if I feel lost and helpless most of the time. And it reminded me of the absurdity of making plans just so that you can say that you have some sort of plan, even if you don't truly want it or feel like it's the right way to go. So, well, actually: screw it! Try things and ditch them! I have since decided to drop out of my new college because it wasn't bringing me anywhere, it was just a "plan they'll understand", and I'm very glad I did.

To be completely honest for a second here, I often got sad (...to put it lightly, haha...) over the last couple of weeks, thinking back to the time of the release of this album and the accompanying tour that I'd later learn was a wonderful tour full of amazing and iconic moments. It wasn't just that I didn't get to see them in concert then, but that I also missed out on observing most of the tour fun as it was happening. Of course I caught up on it later, but, well, can't help but feel some kind of gloomy way about it all anyways, as you'd understand. But still, can't stay locked in the past yearning to relive it (but this time... properly?) forever, so I'm excited for what other wonderful things the future will bring! Sparks never stop going forward after all, so neither can I.