#I have to order a new one tho but it should come tomorrow or Wednesday

[sophisticatedheart]

THEYRE SPARKLYYYY!!!!!! <3<3<3

[zu-is-here]

Hi Zuuuuu! *huggggss* I missed you!! How have you been?? It feels like ages since we talked even if it really hasn't been! How's life?

I have to say again that I enjoy your post Dark-Cream so muchhh, I love them having a domestic life.

Also, Dream is wearing the same outfit from falling in love right? So I just wondered if that's just because it's what he wore back then, or possibly that was them after 'running away' since you did say in the past that your comics aren't in order anymore? Idk, just a thought.

I'm doing alright! As I mentioned before my shipping heart has been cruely pulled in all directions :')

I found type and wormys dreammare vow or never fic and I justtttt ahhhhhhhhhhhh! I can't take itttt. So incredibly amazing. And then also the Kross one as well, making Killer the ship for a change XD

I've been spending alot of my time 'thrifting' as tik-tok calls it. Me and mother went to a car boot sale yesterday, and I've been hunting for cuddly toys, as I've mentioned I collect them :) and today we visited some charity shops as well. Do you ever go 'thrifting'?

Today I also got a new passport photo taken, and I look like a right stroppy cow XD I've gotta get that sorted for the trip though.

Mentally it's been abit better, but there are some highs and lows, I have to say I enjoy looking at your inktaletobler artwork.

I have good news to! The second part of the Twins story should be tomorrow (if not Wednesday) so that's coming sooooon!

Drawing as been going really well! 2 comics and working on a 3rd! I think I'm stealing your powerssss hahaha.

I also completed my final piece for killercreammare week! Ans now I'm happy to put that behind me till next year. Gotta get ready for Dark-Cream week next!

I have soooo much more art to post gahhhdgsh ahahah.

So productive.... So stressed... No sleep lol XD just coffee 😌👌

OK I kid around, things are alright.

How's koshka?

Hii Gayfish! *hugsss* Missed you too! (ówò)♡ For real, days feels like weeks— I'm great as always, thanks! <3 Barely keep up with Inktobertale but still! xd

Same here <3 It does mean a lot to me, thanks a million again! (*´꒳`*)

That's right! ★ It's what he wore years ago, before Aim's birth, for they were searching a lot for a place to stay <3

Glad to hear you're doing better now╰(*´︶`*)╯ Wait— you didn't know about that fic?? I was so sure we've discussed it weeks ago cause it is so good. ♡ The concept of corrupting, the day before Night failed his exam, their last kiss— haven't read Kross one yet tho! :')

Awww! How was the hunt? *w* Hope I got thrifting right *boomer's noises* I don't remember last time but I used to do it a lot back then, searching for nice things ♪

Oh these passport photos... xp But that's so cool, congrats!! ☆ Are you planning another trip? (*'▽'*)

Does something bother you now? (ó3ò) I'm glad to hear it makes you feel a bit better! (ㅅ´ ˘ `)♡

OMG— hype is real! (*ﾟ∀ﾟ*) Looking forward to it <3

For real! XD But it's amazing, keep up the great work *^*

Your latest killercreammare artwork looks fantastic! \(//∇//)\ Lineless work is painstaking yet it's worth it ☆ Oh right, Dark Cream week— xd

Please get a good sleep and have a nice rest! (ò3ó) You did a great job already <3

Koshka's doing grrreat ;D She was so scared when my family visited me she didn't even know where to hide XD Poor old lady grumbled for a long time after they left x) How's Henry? *^*

[whatdoesshedotothem]

Saturday 24 September 1836

7 ½

12 ¾

No kiss ready in ¾ hour - John Booth took my note to Mr. Gratrix (vid. last night) - out - about had Mr. Husband - breakfast at 9 ½ in ½ hour then went with Mr. Husband and Mallinson to the Lodge to order about the table sink and cupboards - then to H-x by the Godley road - to the Bank - met Sugden - will go off to Howden fair by tonight’s mail - said he knew what I wanted (explained the other day) - should not like to give more than £40 a piece for the 2 horses - S- had no money - called him into the bank, they counted out £50 for myself and for S- £80 and S- also counted it over - to be back on Wednesday or Thursday - said he would get what would suit me, or nothing - somehow this struck me - I shall be glad to see him back with a pair of horses - returned upon the old bank direct to the wheel-race then to Mytholm Hannah Green with message from A- about bread - then to the meer-head - loitering about - musing and planning - and returned by the walk - sometime with Booth + 3 masons and lads in the hall cellar - making the cells (paved - flagged yesterday) - then saw A- off to Cliff Hill about 3 pm - all the joint stock banks began to charge 5p.c. interest from the 1st of next month - Mr. Mackean was in Edinburgh when away - the bank England consulted the Royal bank of Scotland (Joint Stock in Edinburgh) who advised the present bank of England measure - to raise rate of interest to 5p.c. to prevent gold going out of the country to America - 3 bills presented in one day for £250,000 and two for £50,000 all to be paid in gold - too much - it is thought this 5 pc rate of interest will last for a year - the Royal bank  of Scotland has deposits to the amount of nine millions - from about 5 ½ or later to 6 40 wrote 3pp. and 2 lines of one end to ‘the honourable Lady Stuart, Whitehall, London’ - to go tonight to announce 2 brace of fine fresh moorgame to go by the Hope coach at 6 am tomorrow  ‘where are you, dearest Lady Stuart, and where have you been, and how have you been, during 3 weeks since I heard from you? I always grieve over your being so feeble; and it makes me anxious to hear of you often, if you write me but one line - you know I never mind postage, tho’ I do begrudge making you pay it, as I myself am quite well, and can have nothing very interesting to tell you from this out-of-the-way place; but I am indeed as you say tied by the leg  - one thing brings on another; and I have too many things in hand just now; yet I hope the tyranny will pass by ere very long - In the event of my poor aunt’s death, I shall make all the haste I can to arrange matters, so that I can leave home - you do not know the pleasure it will give me to see you - I hardly think you will be with Vere; for if you do not spend more than a few weeks with her, you will be returned before I can get off from here - I cannot set off to Rotterdam this year, whatever I may do another - what news have you from the travellers? I am sure they will write very often - I could not imagine why the courier recommended by Lady Stuart de Rotheasy, and whom I really meant to engage, did not write to me, as I requested he might be told to do, to give me his address, and terms - it seems he did write on the 3rd of August, but his letter not containing his address, and having been mislaid by Lady S- de R- so that I did not receive it till the 6th of this month when she herself was beyond my reach of inquiry - I have not been able to take any notice of the man, and only know that his name is Antono Balletti, and that he seems very likely to suit me - However, I do not think very much about it - my head and hands are full, and, when time of absolute need comes, I have no doubt of managing very well  at any rate, I hope to see dear Lady Stuart at Whitehall - I always like to have your opinion and your advice - you must be very much more deaf than when I saw you last, or you will hear me without any difficulty -it will delight me to hear that you are a little stronger and better - that you have no longer my anxiety about Captain Stuart, and that you are either comfortable with Vere, or expecting the Cannings, or somebody you are very much interested about - you would think how glad I should be of Mr. Canning’s election - But, how is Vere? - I have been hoping and expecting to hear from her for so long, that I almost begin to be alarmed - Surely she has not had a relapse! - if she is well, do not tell her of my thinking about her - if she is not well, it will make me less anxious to hear it than to fancy it - she ought to tell me of you, as well as of herself - I am delighted at your liking moorgame - I am just sending you 2 brace of very fine birds, quite fresh - I shall direct them as before, to Whitehall - when I want to write to you again, who is there I can direct my letter to, undercover? I think of you very often - I am always anxious about you, and always, dearest Lady Stuart, very affectionately yours AL’ - had just written the above at 7pm dinner at 7 ¼ - coffee upstairs - A- did her French - with my aunt very poorly from 9 40 to 10 ¼ then with A- looking over genealogical maps till 11 40 - letter from M- (Lawton) - 3 pp. and one end - fine day till about 3 pm then rain [and] towards evening fine till soon after 3pm then rainy afternoon and evening with high wind towards evening

£50 to myself + £80 to Sugden a/c for a pair of horses

[joyseuphoria]

She hated how much she liked him now

Thank you sooo much for the prompt!!!

The “him” in the prompts are replaced with “her” since this is a fem!jily fic!!! I had too many ideas for this fic...maybe I’ll write some of the rest in the future, but here you go!

You can read it here or on ao3

THE CURLY SQUAD

(Tuesday 16:00)

Sirius Black: moony and the rest of you pay up

Marlene Mckinnon: why should we pay u?

Remus Lupin: u still owe me 20 btw so i dont think i will

Sirius Black: ofc ppl like u wouldnt know smh

jamie finally asked lily on a date

Peter Pettigrew: Wait what

Marlene McKinnon: afsjtksjdggehej

when 

how 

tell me everything 

Sirius Black: well little prongsie finally sucked up and asked ickle lilykins on date

voila 

Marlene McKinnon: give me the details black

or i s2g ill kick u out of the group 

Sirius Black: empty threats

if u really wanna know u can go ask em

(Marlene McKinnon has removed Sirius Black from the group chat)

Peter Pettigrew: Remind me to not ever cross paths with Marlene 

_____________

THE CURLY SQUAD

(Tuesday 17:00)

Jamie Potter: good riddance 

thx marls 

Marlene McKinnon: got u covered hon

now spill 

Jamie Potter: i hv a date with lil on friday:)

Lily Evans: that she does;)

Marlene McKinnon: i demand details ppl

(Dorcas Meadows has removed Marlene McKinnon from the group chat)

Remus Lupin: wh did u do that for 

Dorcas Meadowes: She was being too nosy

I didn't like it

Jamie Potter:.........thx??

Dorcas Meadowes: Welcome sweetie

_________

THE CURLY SQUAD 

(Tuesday 17:34)

Mary Macdonald: wait what????!!!!!??!

__________

JILY LAMES TALK

(Wednesday 16:30)

Sirius Black: r v up for spying on them on fri?

Marlene Mckinnon: u kno it;)

Mary Macdonald: hell yeah

Peter Pettigrew: Yes! ofc

Remus Lupin: we should give them some privacy sirius

tho ik its a foreign concept to you

Dorcas Meadowes: Obviously

And of course I wanna spy on them

Remus Lupin: but still...yes

Sirius Black: ther is no privacy between  frnds

YAAY

Marlene Mckinnon: so v meet up at 4 outside the bistro next to three broomsticks 

Peter Pettigrew: Wait when’s their date and where?!??

Mary Macdonald: at 5 in 3 broomsticks pete cmon keep up

Remus Lupin: how did u know that?

Sirius Black: im her brother and both their best frnds its obvio that id be the first one to kno

Marlene Mckinnon: and im lilys best frnd too sirius 

Dorcas Meadows: You spied on them didnt you?

Sirius Black: v hv all the rights to spy on them

Mary Macdonald: wait i thought that i was lilys best frnd

Dorcas Meadowes: I can confidently say that it’s neither of you

I’m her best friend

Sirius Black: prove it

Marlene Mckinnon: yeah!

Dorcas Meadowes:  (sends an attachment)

Marlene Mckinnon: shit

Mary Macdonald: …...fair

___________

Private chat between Jamie Potter and Lily Evans 

(Thursday 19:45)

Jamie Potter: cant wait for our date tomorrow 

Lily Evans: ik u cant 

Jamie Potter: 

Lily Evans: <3

;)

______________

Private chat between Jamie Potter and Sirius Black 

(Thursday 19:48)

Jamie Potter: sirius sirius sirius 

lily just sent me a winky face emoticon!!!!

what do i do???!!!?!!!?!?!

(Message read at 19:49)

______________

Private chat between Jamie Potter and Lily Evans 

(Thursday 19:51)

Jamie Potter: :D

_______________

Private chat between Jamie Potter and Lily Evans 

(Friday 16:30)

Jamie Potter: u ready?

Lily Evans: yes ! 

wher r u

Jamie Potter: cool

just reached ur door

______________

JILY LAMES TALK

(Friday 16:30)

Sirius Black: where tf r u guys 

its only me and marlene here

Mary Macdonald: just outta class 

be there in 10

Remus Lupin: home

Peter Pettigrew: At the ice cream parlor for ice cream

Dorcas Meadows: Oh get me some too Pete?

Remus Lupin: me too pls pete

Mary Macdonald: oooh id like some too

mint chocolate chip for me pls

Peter Pettigrew: Sure thing! wh abt the rest of u??

Dorcas Meadowes : Strawberry! with a lot of strawberries as toppings!!!

Remus Lupin : devils choc ofc

Sirius Black : guys can v focus at the matter in hand??!!

also charcoal ice cream pls

just as black as my soul

Peter Pettigrew : ...k

U marls??

Marlene Mckinnon:..........vanilla. thx

____________

JILY LAMES TALK

(Friday 16:45)

Sirius Black: where tf r u guys?!!??!?

theyll b here any sec

Remus Lupin: sirius everyone is here

except for u and marlene

where tf r u guys?!!???

Marlene McKinnon: we r at the spirit store 

where tf r u guys????

Sirius Black: i told u guys to meet us here

Dorcas Meadowes: Wtf is a spirit store?

Sirius Black: a store that sees our spirit 

Peter Pettigrew: Ur ice creams starting to melt!!!!!!

Mary MacDonald: oh the halloween costume shop?

why?

Sirius Black: to dress up ofc

Marlene Mckinnon: honesty guys?

lily and jamie will recognise us if v go like this

and v cant afford that!!!!

Remus Lupin: that is smart….

didnt expect it from u both

Sirius Black: fuck you remus

fuck you

Dorcas Meadowes: So what are our disguises??

Marlene McKinnon: dog ears and nose 

a gily suit

a moon suit

rat whiskers and ears

a tree hat and glasses

and a big floppy hat and sunglasses for my beautiful girlfriend

Dorcas Meadowes: ………….

Peter Pettigrew: Dorcas and remus took ur ice cream btw

Something about it melting, u being stupid and u not being here

 Sirius Black: remy how could u

Marlene McKinnon: ffs dorcas 

i thought u loved me

Peter Pettigrew: Who’s wearing what costume?

Remus Lupin: also sirius 

do u really think that we can pull it off?

itd be tooo obvious 

Mary Macdonald: nd theyll realise that we r spying on them

Sirius Black: they couldnt even realise that they had a crush on each other until i intervened

do you think that theyll realise that its us???????

Remus Lupin: …...point

Sirius Black: so im wearing the dog ears and nose 

marls gonna wear the gily suit

the moon hat and the silver suit is for u remus 

Marlene Mckinnon: the rat whiskers r for peter 

and the tree hat and sunglasses r for mary :)

____________

JILY LAMES TALK

(Friday 16:55)

Sirius Black: ok now positions!

marlene mary and i r sitting in the booth behind the big fat hydrangea 

nd remus peter nd dorcas r gonna sit 2 rows behind them in the corner table outside

Peter Pettigrew: How do u even know where the r gonna sit?????!!!!!???

Marlene Mckinnon: v bribed the receptionist obviously

Sirius Black: she will make sure that they sit second in the row between the hydrangeas and the window 

Remus Lupin: how can v hear them if v r outside??

Marlene Mckinnon: oh hush remus 

ever heard of privacy?

Remus Lupin: wtf do u think we r doing rn??!!?!??!?!!

Dorcas Meadowes: Making sure the date goes perfectly?

Sirius Black: thank u dorcas

Mary Macdonald: yeah!

exactly 

Remus Lupin: …………

i give up 

Peter Pettigrew: Just now?

Thought u gave up when Jamie successfully insulted Lily two yers back when in fact she was supposed to ask her out on a date :/

Sirius Black: that was a good laugh

___________

JILY LAMES TALK

(Friday 17:04)

Peter Pettigrew: Ok they’re sitting rn 

Dorcas Meadowes: Don’t they look cute together

Remus Lupin: do i hv to wear this silvery rocky suit?!??!

Sirius Black: yes

and yes they look perfect 

our ship is finally sailing 

Dorcas Meadowes: Is is is Jamie stuffing a breadstick in her nose

Peter Pettigrew: No I think she’s trying to look like a walrus

Remus Lupin: she does not need to embarrass herself more

Mary Macdonald: u really think this is anything compared to the time when she tripped over her cat and fell on lilys bday cake?

Sirius Black: lolol

the bruise she left him with lasted for two weeks

Dorcas Meadowes: I stg that woman has the best boxing skills

Marlene Mckinnon: dorcas!!!! not me????

im ur girlfriend!!!

Mary Macdonald: lolololol

she thought that jamie did it on purpose for years lol

Marlene McKinnon: and why tf is lily doing the same

i thought she had more sense than that

Remus Lupin: love can do that to you ya know

Sirius Black: u would know

Marlene McKinnon: ohhh look jamie snorted the breadstick out of her mouth!!

neat

Mary Macdonald: lily did it too

Mary Macdonald: i think she has enough sense to not offend lily 

Remus Lupin: ya think?

u want me to remind u about all the times she offended lily?

Peter Pettigrew: Yeah so much that she hated Jamie

Sirius Black: nah she didnt 

if anything lily hates how much she likes her now

Marlene Mckinnon: do u think theyll order soup?

Sirius Black: yeah ig

jamie wants it to be all fancy

Marlene McKinnon: pls dont order tomato soup

Mary Macdonald: it awfully looked a lot like the waiter said no tomato soup

Peter Pettigrew: Really? Lily hates tomatoes why would Jamie order em

Thought she wouldn’t today

At least

Sirius Black: thank hell jamie didnt order the tomato one

Dorcas Meadowes: Remember when Jamie made marinara for Lily to impress her lol

Remus Lupin: that plan backfired soo bad 

Marlene Mckinnon at least lilys prank to get back at her was awesome

Sirius Black: that was such a power move!!!

and including taylor’s song

shehgeueytoaknd

Remus Lupin: tho she coloured her cat the so called emerald green and not key lime green and v had to listen to her go on and on abt how lily knows her fav colour 

Mary Macdonald: jamie continued to think that it meant that she knew it for three months

:/

Dorcas Meadowes: As if u didnt like it

Mary Macdonald: lol i did love it

Peter Pettigrew: They are bonkers 

Dorcas Meadowes: Bonkers for each other

Sirius Black: lol

Dorcas Meadowes: Their soup’s here

Sirius Black: spinach soup???

ewww jamie 

Peter Pettigrew: Ahh creamy mushroom soup for Lil ig

Awesome choice 

Mary Macdonald: they really ought to try new things

smh

___________

JILY LAMES TALK

(Friday 17:16)

Remus Lupin: wh did u guys order?

we ordered a lasagna 

Marlene Mckinnon:?uhh same 

ohhh look 

Peter Pettigrew: The waiter’s back with pasta for both of them YAY

Do you guys think that they realised that we are spying on them??

Marlene Mckinnon: nah they’re hopeless Pete so no

Sirius Black: thank hell that they r cute

Remus Lupin: lol

Dorcas Meadowes: 3 yrs ago I wouldnt have thought that they would be here together on a date

Mary Macdonald: hell they woulnt have even been here as friends 

Remus Lupin: or come here with us

Marlene Mckinnon: lily didnt even kno that she is bi then

Dorcas Meadowes: Yeah

It was quite a rough time for her

Peter Pettigrew: Guyssss

I have a question 

Dorcas Meadowes: Shoot Pete 

Peter Pettigrew: Why is the group name curly squad?

I mean only Dorcas’s hair is curly I only gathered that much

Dorcas Meadowes: Lol no Pete

Sirius Black: LOLOLOL

Marlene Mckinnon: lolll 

Dorcas Meadowes Ohk so

None of us here are just straight so we’re curly lol 

Sirius Black: lil nd i r bi

u r ace

dorcas nd mary r pans

remus is gay

jamie is lesbian 

Marlene Mckinnon: i am bi too 

u already knew that but still

Sirius Black: so yeah thats why 

Peter Pettigrew: Oh wow

Ok

Thanks guys 

Sirius Black: np pete 

Peter Pettigrew: Jamie just leaned over to brush the remnants of pasta from lilys lips!!!!!!!!

Mary Macdonald: thats soo cute they r perfect

Sirius Black: nauseating more like

Dorcas Meadowes: I’m just revelling in the fact that she didnt brush him off

Marlene Mckinnon: thats second year of uni lily

even first fits in the category 

Peter Pettigrew: and she held her hand!!!!!

Bold

Sirius Black: is that…...snep

Remus Lupin: snep?????

Dorcas Meadowes: Where

Sirius Black: behind u guys

Remus Lupin: OHHHH FUCK

Mary Macdonald: do u think that he knows abt their date

Sirius Black: well jamie did post it on her insta so…….

Dorcas Meadowes: Oh shit

Peter Pettigrew: Shit alright

Marlene Mckinnon: hes coming over ig

Mary Macdonald: yup hes in

Sirius Black: WHYYYYYY MUST YOU DO THIS TO ME GOD

COULDNT YOU LET MY SHIP LIVE IN PEACE!!!!

Remus Lupin: well u know what they say abt cannons sinking a ship :/

Sirius Black: remus theodore lupin u dare say that jily lames is not cannon

Marlene Mckinnon: remus ralph lupin wtf

Dorcas Meadowes: Remy, how could you?

Peter Pettigrew: Why would you say that Remus?

Mary Macdonald: remus john lupin u take that back right this instant

oh we r playing call remus wrong names 

sry I didnt realise

 Remus Lupin: i am sry guys I ship jily as much as u do

Sirius Black: LAMES

Remus Lupin: but i had to lol

i think v should go stop him from disturbing them

Mary Macdonald: hes already headed their way

its too late

Marlene Mckinnon: i s2g i will punch snep today if he does anything to them

Sirius Black: ill tackle him 

Marlene McKinnon: perfect

Mary Macdonald: v might blow our cover too

not that im worried abt that

tho they might not appreciate the sentiment 

Sirius Black: v shld go

Dorcas Meadowes: I feel like they'll want to handle this themselves

But ok!

Mary Macdonald: ok he hates u and remus the most so dorcas and i should go first 

Sirius Black: but im their best friend

Dorcas Meadowes: Too late they’re already talking

Sirius Black: NOOOOOO

Remus Lupin: ig he just mentioned siris name

Sirius Black: seems that way

if he says anything abt jamie or reg i will lose it

Dorcas Meadowes: I think he’s berating lily for being out with jamie….

Mary Macdonald: ofc what else does the greasy slime ball know

Sirius Black: ok im gonna go

Peter Pettigrew: How to grease your hair 101??

Sirius Black: lol yes

Marlene Mckinnon: is he

is he pointing over to us

Mary Macdonald:k they r looking at us

Peter Pettigrew: Did Lily just call ur name out, guys?

Dorcas Meadowes: Mary, make sure Marls and Sirius don’t do anything stupid

_________

“Sirius, no!” Remus shouted, as the boy in question marched over to Jamie’s and Lily’s table. 

“Well, hello there snivellus. Looking positively greasy today aren’t we?” Sirius taunted. 

“What are you doing here Black?” Snape sneered. 

Sirius hummed before responding, “We just fancied a dinner here. What about you?”

“Looking for something to grease?” Marlene chimed. 

“Marlene,” Lily warned. 

“Thought I’d visit my friend Lily here. That’s all Black,” Snape answered. 

“More like crash her date,” Dorcas muttered, as she joined the group around Lily and Jamie’s table with Remus, Mary, and Peter.

“I am not your friend Snape.” Lily stood up, accompanied by Jamie.

“Lily!” The greasy haired man faced her pleadingly, “I care about you a lot. That’s why I’m telling you to not date Potter! Thinking that you’re bi may well just be a phase that’ll go away, Lily. Moreover, she doesn’t really care about you! She just thinks that you are some sort of prize to be won.” 

Jamie looked like she wanted to dislocate Snape’s jaw, her fists curled at her sides. But the warning glance Lily threw her, made her insides calm down 

“You know nothing about me Snape,” Lily said, with gritted teeth. “Now go away before I dislocate your nose.” Sirius whistled in support. 

“Lily, we’ve been best friends since we were ten. I know you, Lily. Please listen to me,”

“If you were my best friend you’d have supported me instead of behaving like an ignorant ass. Now please go away.”

“Lily, please.”

Barely a moment later, Lily’s fist connected with Snape’s nose. Blood leaked down his front, while the rest of the gang rushed to vocally support her. 

 “You’ll regret that Lily!” Snape glared threateningly. 

Before long, Sirius had tackled Snape to the ground, and accidentally splattered the lasagna the waiter was bringing over to their table, on Snape’s head. 

“I...“ Lily began.

“You can save your breath, Lils,” Sirius started, “he’s a harmless, entitled prick”

“Looks like you have a lot of grease to get rid of, Snep,” Marlene announced. 

“And Snep, pro tip: the only shampoo that keeps the grease at bay is the Sleakeasy shampoo. You should try it out!” Jamie, ever so helpful, advised, and moved to position her hand behind Lily’s back. 

“Sorry about that Sir, we’ll cover the charges for the ill-fated lasagna,” Sirius apologised to the waiter as he helped him up from the ground. 

“Could you please get him out of this shop? He’s been troubling us, as you can see,” Dorcas asked, politely. 

The waiter simply looked baffled. However, he nodded and successfully escorted Snape out of the restaurant. 

“Now this is going to be quite the first date story to tell at the wedding.” Peter spoke up for the first time since they gathered at the table between the hydrangeas and the windows. 

Jamie blushed and looked around, anywhere but at Lily, though her hand never left Lily’s back, while the redhead laughed at her.

“Well, since we’re all together, we can have dessert and you can continue spying on us while sitting at our table,” Lily said. “Nice ears you’ve got there, Sirius. Though I’d prefer Dorcas’s floppy hat.”

“Yeah! I personally love the whiskers, Pete. Seriously, Marlene? A gily suit? Inconspicuous much? And Remus, you have enough sense to stop them!” Jamie put on. 

Remus just shrugged, his big crescent shaped moon hat toppling Mary’s tree hat downwards. “Sorry,” he said, bending to pick it up. 

“Thanks,” she said, when he gave the hat to her, “why did we agree to wear these again?”

“So we would be incognito, Mary”

“And we were successful! These oblivious dorks didn’t even realise that it was us until old snivelly pointed it out,” Sirius stated.

“Also, we did have ice-cream before coming here, so you guys should continue, we’ll leave,” Dorcas said. 

“Hey! We didn’t get to eat that ice-cream! You and Remus took it from us,” Marlene reprimanded. 

“Yeah! So we’ll be staying here and you guys can shoo away,” Sirius included. 

“Well in that case you can all leave and get yourselves ice cream while Lily and I can finally enjoy our date,” Jamie, now pushing Sirius, and shoo-ing the others to the doors, said. 

“Say what you want Jamie, I am enjoying our date,” expressed Lily. 

“You are?” Jamie turned around, completely forgetting the others in the room. 

“Well, looks like they’re more nauseating and lame than before. Should we go?” Asked Marlene. 

“Nah. Let’s just sit outside and spy on them through the window,” Sirius smirked. 

[awhilesince]

Monday, 13 September 1824

7 50/60

1 35/60

Breakfast at 9 – Mrs Mackenzie came and sat with me 1/2 hour she is in doubt whether to stay here or not seemed to ask my advice and be inclined to stay if her father is pretty well I would not speak decidedly but was evidently in favour of her staying she has had much unhappiness married against her choice from convenience a man thirty years older than herself who made her unhappy tho she always tried to do her duty her daughter cleverer than she is and rather the upper hand it seems Mrs Mackenzies being so communicative struck me – Mrs Mackenzie gave me a ticket given to her by Mr Brande that will always admit me to the Jardin des Plantes – Miss Mackenzie, too, came in and sat with me a few minutes – 

on this account, it was 12 before I had read over my 3 letters finished last night, and had no time to make any extract from them – they must be in the general post office Rue Jean Jacques Rousseau before 2, or could not be taken in today, and then there being no English post tomorrow, must have waited till Wednesday my letter to my aunt (begun on Wednesday, 3 pages, the ends, and under the turn-down) giving an account of my journey, my being very comfortable here, of Madame de B–‘s (Boyve’s) being handsome – of our sitting in the Tuileries gardens, and of the Champs Elysées, and of the fête at St. Germain gave an account of the shawls worn and their prices – excerpt this – 

My letter to M– (Mariana) on the same subjects only giving a more regular account, rather journalwise, and adding short answers to M–‘s (Mariana’s) last letter – Merely said on the subject of Mrs Henry Stephen B–‘s (Belcombe’s) management of the going-to-York business, I did not understand it, but she and Steph had my best wishes – Entreated M– (Mariana) not to pother herself about Petergate money matters – Mrs B– (Belcombe) knew what she was, and would take care of the girls – I did not think Dr. B–‘s (Belcombe’s) practice could now be sold for much – he was not likely to be well enough to introduce anyone – but Steph’s name and kinship would serve him – affectionate to π (Mariana) kind about Miss Pattison but much more the former to Miss Maclean very much so to her tho anybody might see it perhaps she herself may muse over a line or two in the first page – Told both my aunt and M– (Mariana) and Miss Maclean of my having Madame Galvani, that she alone was worth coming to Paris for; and all my time – would be taken up in endeavoring to gain the French language – 

my letter to Miss Maclean begun at Shibden Wednesday 18 August, resumed and finished yesterday – foolscap sheet 3 pages, long ends, and under the turn-down – very small and short – Treated of my journey being comfortable here, the Tuileries Champs Elysées fête of St. Germain etc etc very briefly – all the rest bavardage amical – 

went out at 12 1/4 (took Cordingley with me) direct to the general post-office in the rue Jean Jacques Rousseau – put in my letter to my aunt (Shibden) 22 sols. and to ‘Mrs Lawton Lawton hall etc 22 sols. and to ‘Miss Maclean of Coll Tobermory North Britain (Ecosse)’ 28 sols because letters here are paid for according to their weight, and I had sealed this letter and wafered the 2 others – wafers always used here because lighter than sealing wax, and for the same reason the French choose thin writing paper – saw the man who took my letters, and those of the crowd standing round the wire grating of his bureau, weigh each letter in a pair of scales hanging close to him – 

from the Post Office walked thro’ the halle au bles, and the church of St. Eustache for Cordingley to see them – then along the rue de Grenelle direct thro’ the palais of the Louvre to the Pont des Arts – crossed the Pont neuf, and returned over the Pont royal thro’ the Tuileries gardens and got home at 2 –

the porter gave me a letter charged only 5 sols (brought by some private conveyance –sent thro’ our ambassador) from Miss Maclean (Tobermory) – Oh! that I had had it before I went out – 

on coming upstairs to Mrs Mackenzie to ask what they were going to do, found them going to the Louvre to try to see the exhibition there of the new (modern) pictures – done by living and I believe all French artists; for the King’s death was hourly expected, and all public places would be closed for 6 weeks – his majesty had taken leave of his family, and received extreme unction – the garde du corps to be changed – Monsieur the next King will go to St. Cloud, and there will be no fête there – what a stupid place, says everyone with one accord, will Paris be! Away we went to the Louvre – shut already, sans aucune exception, till further orders – Sauntered in the Tuileries gardens –

Got back at 4 – read my letter from Miss Maclean – very kind and affectionate – I know not any of her letters that has given me more pleasure – perhaps the receiving it here, might add to my delight – I shall keep and read it by way of stimulus for see the end of the crossing Breadalbane thought me ‘almost quite handsome at Esholt’ and Miss Maclean evidently likes and admires me  visited by an old admirer ‘you once said you thought I would have been happier in the married state no no you are mistaken unless with a mind and he art like your own the married state would have been misery to me  far happier as I am ‘ – see the bottom of page one – and the last end for the following  after desiring continuation of the extracts from my journal ‘you know not how I was tormented at home about you Miss Bs (Belcombe’s) manner of speaking half did this  she only poor soul jested but very little difference of manner in you would have made me dislike you at that time I believe it was mostly occasioned by a little tincture of jealousy at home’..... thought I to myself this lets me into much the Belcombes are no advantage to me I now really dislike Anne not tho on her own hearts account for she is good but for the disagreeableness of her manners I would not for worlds be thought a friend of her poor soul she too was jealous I guess the style in which she would mention me – Breadalbane by thinking me almost handsome at Esholt has perhaps got over her prejudices and and I may conciliate her perhaps entirely with a little care – she must have some idea of Miss Macls (Maclean’s) partiality for on the arrival of my letter she threw it into the room with ‘there be happy’ see the first page at the bottom of the second is the more than permission to write Sibbella  Mrs Grieves would have been most happy to see me –

Miss Maclean inclosed me a letter from her niece Miss Hobart – I should fancy her a nice good hearted fashionable girl the superior cleverness I have somehow expected would not strike one from her letter she is in first rate nobility society evidently – I am to burn the letter at the end of the envelope is the following ‘I certainly do spend a good deal on dress but if I had all to buy I think I could manage very well surely a single woman can live very comfortably on nine hundred a year which I under stand I have at my disposal uncle Sullivan told me before I went to Paris as worth eighteen thousand pounds and rather more’ – 

At the 4th page of Miss Hobart’s letter (dated ‘13th’ August) 

‘Now as to your dear picture, your friend whose name I forgot is perfectly welcome to it now, I will with pleasure lend it for a short time, but you may tell her she is much more welcome now than at the horrible time you mention, for if I survive you, I shall not then spare it.’ – 

Reading and musing over my letter till near 5, then came the Irish girl and another young person from Madame Romatier to try on my new gown – not only my stays, but my petticoats ill made (true enough) – French stays would cost 30 francs and upwards – such calico as my petticoats are made of, so strong and good, not to be got in Paris – the best I could get would be thinner and finer 5 francs an aune an aune wide tho’ this of mine was 1/3 in England this and 1/2 wide – it would take 3 or 4 aunes for a petticoat; and the making (at Madame R–‘s (Romatier’s)) would be 5 francs – 

Dinner at 6 – A Mr Moore who would speak nothing but desperately bad French all the while made his debut at table – to stay for how long, I know not – does not dance now in England – does not like the present style of dancing in England except at Almacks – rather a would-be-prig – nothing great, methinks, ab origine and at home – Madame de B– (Boyve) would teach me Ecarté, and after a game or 2, set me down to play with Mr Moore (not for money) and I played with him (the better of the 2 I think) for surely about an hour – 

In the evening had Monsieur Bellevue; a Swiss count, a handsome young man; Monsieur Denappe, and Monsieur St. Auban – after playing at finding out words and talking to 1 or other (have not sat next Madame de B– (Boyve) these 3 or 4 nights) 

came up to bed (leaving the party) at 11 35/60 making memoranda of my accounts – read and mused over Miss Maclean’s letter – all much kept me up so late – Very fine day – the sun out – very warm – Fahrenheit 69° at 12 3/4 – [E two dots O two dots, marking discharge from venereal complaint] –

reference number: SH:7/ML/E/8/0042, SH:7/ML/E/8/0043

[misslisterkeepsajournal]

1826 Saturday 4 February

5 1/2 11 1/2

Made my fire - great deal of trouble with it - the wood too damp - had to light it twice - went into the stable - 1/2 washed then sat down to my writing desk about (a little before 7) - wrote a note to Mr. Wiglesworth of inquiry, and lending him the sizes of rings, that he might choose - then wrote to Messers Olivant to say Mrs. Lister had received the rings, but wishing to send the sizes to a friend at some distance would return them along with the rings and order by the 6 o'clock morning mail on Tuesday or at latest Wednesday - desiring him in the meantime to send sizes to Mrs. L- [Lawton] of Lawton hall Cheshire with Mrs Listers compliments and requesting she let Messers O- [Olivant] know her size - sent these up to my aunt to read - then wrote 1 1/2 pages to IN [Isabella Norcliffe] saying we should be delighted to see her etc. and that we had sent her the sizes of rings wishing her to choose, and return them as soon as possible - then wrote 2 1/2 pages to Mr. Duffin to thank him for his so kind condolence etc. mentioning a few particulars of the funeral saying we had fixed nothing as to our future plans as yet, but hoped, however, that my father and sister would be able to leave Northgate and come here by midsummer - then wrote the remaining 1/2 of the 3rd page and one end of thanks to Miss Marsh, begging her if she Mrs. Milne or Anne B- [Belcombe] to give my love, and say I could not write this morning but would by tomorrow's or Monday's post - had all this done by 9 1/4 - sent the note to Mr. Wiglesworth and the letter to 'Messers Olivants Jewellers, etc. Manchester' early, when George went to the market - finished dressing -

Letter from M- [Mariana] (Lawton) 3 pages and the ends - this letter upset me more than anything - I did not expect so much real feeling on this occasion from M- [Mariana] she has kept her room ever since she got my 1st letter and was far from well even on Thursday - would continue in her room till yesterday when she would get her mourning - would wear bombasine and crape 6 weeks, and then 2nd mourning 6 weeks longer

'this tribute to your uncle's memory, Freddy, is no more than I owe him, and less would not satisfy the feeling I have for his memory' - 'It would be injustice on my part if I failed to tell you that no person could have been kinder than Mr. C.L- [Charles Lawton] has been on this occasion - tho' Messers Powys and Cholmley are staying in the house, he wished to leave them to come tête à tête with me - sent to Manchester for woodcocks, and all sorts of things that he thought likely to tempt my appetite. Indeed he has shown much more feeling than I expected' -

I did not expect so much either from M- [Mariana] or Mr. C.L- [Charles Lawton] I shall not forget it - it has endeared M- [Mariana] to me more than she can be aware - as to [delta - Charles Lawton] my first impulse was to write and make an opening for our reconciliation to write the letter of that proud and haughty spirit that cannot bend to menace but yields to kindness at once his letter to me was ungentlemanly if he will apologize for this I will apologize for the sentence in mine that gave him umbrage it was wrong in me and I am ready to say so handsomely if he will satisfy me as to his letter -

Went down to breakfast at 10 1/2 - read my aunt my letters to Mr. D- [Duffin] and IN- [Isabella Norcliffe] and then my letter from M- [Mariana] my aunt much affected, and much surprised and pleased - Having forgotten to send the sizes of rings to Mr. W- [Wiglesworth] sent George off with them (at 11) and with the letter to IN [Isabella Norcliffe] (Langton hall) and to 'William Duffin Esquire Micklegate York' - By the way, I quoted to him from Miss Maclean's letter received 22 January respecting Dr. Duffin of Edinburgh -

Settled accounts etc. - made up the sizes of rings in a small paper box, and sent them off to IN- [Isabella Norcliffe] (Langton hall) at 1, to go by the old mail about 1 1/2 today - then came upstairs - wrote the last 45 lines of yesterday and all the above of today - James and Joseph took one of our cows to the market this morning or rather delivered her there to the man who bought her before - (my uncle meant to sell her) and brought me back the price 18 sovreigns - the cow is a fine large animal, daily expected to calve - would have been worth £20, but her bag does not make up quite well -

Sad distress occasioned to the country by the failure of all these banks - lately Sykes of Huddersfield, Wilson of Mirfield, Taylor of Somersall and several others - James S- [Sykes] never saw such work - says 'they say the Rawsons are determined to issue no more notes - they burn them as the people take them in' - this is, of course, more or less a tale - but probably enough they will much curtail their issues, at least for the present - sad accounts of distress among all trades in the last Leeds Intelligencer - things look very black just now -

Just finished the above at 3 3/4 - Went out at 4 to the Tillyholm gate end of Lower brea wood where Jackman and James Sykes and latterly John Booth (he went with William Green in the morning for hedge-binders to Cromwell-bottom wood) were making the new path (instead of that by the Dolt bottom) from the new removed bridge over the brook - they were wheeling away stuff from the upper side of Lower brea lane to fill up with just on the side of the gate where young Charles H- [Howarth] and his son were finishing the railing  - sent for home about 5 - 3 men come from Mr. Hoyland to put up the hatchment - had it put up over the entrance door, as high as possible - against the egg-closet window -

William Keighley came and paid me (having this morning received the money of Mr. Bradley engineer to the navigation company) for the fir wood cut down in Lower brea wood etc. - Dressed - dinner at 6 10/60 - my aunt had tea at 8 - afterwards wrote the last 7 1/2 lines - Very fine, mild day - Barometer 1 1/2 degree below changeable Fahrenheit 43 at 9 3/4 p.m. at which hour came up to bed - afterwards settling accounts till 11 -

Reference: SH:7/ML/E/9/0056 - SH:7/ML/E/9/0057

[skgway]

1825 June, Mon. 27

6 3/4

12

Incurred a cross last night thinking of Mrs. B[arlow] – Hotspur did not come for his oat cake – Out some time talking to John Booth – Ready to go out again at 8 1/4 but light rain kept me in –

Read a few pp pages volume 3 Rousseau Confessions – Then came a letter from Miss McL– [MacLean] dated from her brother-in-law Mr. Hunters, near Edinburg,

the 1st date 17 June, the last the 25th June – 3 pages and the ends and the 1st page crossed – Perhaps the most affectionate I have ever received. Connected probably in her mind with the idea of sharing her garret with me. She says, “the possible” the “probable” (quoting from me these 2 words) 

“have been duly weighed on sufficient evidence, and whether of bright or dingy here ‘tis all one, I feel a certainty of happiness in your present friendship, which tho’ we should never more meet will cheer my last hours” – 

Had her brother on his marriage gone to Quinish for the winter, Miss McL– [MacLean] (to leave the children to their new mother) would have left home, spent most of the winter in Edinburg, and proposed coming here for a month – . . . . . 

“You say you could make anyone you lived with comfortable, I could not, unless I really loved them in a manner I do very few – Seeing them constantly at my elbow would irritate me, what would give you happiness? Did I live with you perhaps I could answer this question, tho’ not by speech – No, you are not in the least like any friend I possess – Perhaps your very singularity rivets my regards” –

 . . . . she says the seal is “most magnificent” . . . . . . 

“What fault do you find with it, unless too good for me, this you will not at present allow – Thank you however – and may you in truth ever enjoy the heart’s ease you bestow on others” – 

I laughed on reading this – I ordered a violet – and till now believed it was a violet – hid in the tuft of grass with “il faut me chercher”, the device and motto my friend mentioned at Esholt – She is working a stain-carpet border for me in all the shades of green pink and brown – She likes me. Would live with me and learn perhaps to love [me] – Her attachment is more and more evident – She will not leave her sister’s (Redford near Edinburg “till the 5th or more likely the 12th of next month” – 

Note from Mrs. Henry Priestly – Mrs. Henry [Steph] Belcombe expected at Haughend on Tuesday to stay till Thursday – Mrs. Henry Priestly asks me to dine there at 5 on Wednesday – Wrote to say I should have been most happy but was going with my aunt to York tomorrow and should not be back till Thursday – Sent my remembrances to Eliza Belcombe who has been at Haughend about a week – 

After reading my letter and writing my note went down to breakfast at 10 1/2 – My father and Marian called – Mr. Sunderland too called to see my aunt – She has not been quite so well these last few days – With one or other staid downstairs till 1 – From then to 5 dawdling and looking over my drawers and clothes – 

Went down to my aunt for a little – At 5 1/2 went to the new footpath – Only James Sykes and John Booth at it today – Sodding the East side of the embankment – They did not give up till 6 40/60 – I got home at 6 55/60 – Dinner at 7 – 

In the evening wrote the above of today – Rainy morning or rather repeated and very heavy thunder showers during the whole day – Barometer 1 1/2 degree below changeable, Fahrenheit 55º at 10 5/60 p.m., at which hour came up to bed. E [two dots, treating venereal complaint] O [one dot, marking discharge]

[iredreamer]

Hi! really love your blog. I find Anne's dairies to be fascinating and I love reading through your interpretation of her words. If you don't mind me asking, cause i don't remember seeing it addressed before: did the whole thing with Ainsworth actually happen? Did Anne really threaten him like she did on the show? did he actually inflicted himself on Ann or was he just a past lover of sorts?

hey :) thank you so much sweet anon, I’m happy you’re loving all the Anne’s facts! She’s just so fascinating, I’m inspired and amazed by her every single day. And my brain still doesn’t fully understand that she actually existed lol.

About Ainsworth, I remember writing something about it but just little things while talking about other things so, no, I never answered these questions.

Let’s start with the death of Mrs Ainsworth, because that’s what really sets things into motion:

October 26, 1832 > The letter with black-edged paper & black seal from Miss Bentley [Ainsworth’s sister-in-law], Manchester, being given to Miss W- junior to read – it fell from her hand on seeing that it was to announce the death of her friend Mrs Ainsworth, in consequence of being thrown out of an open carriage… Immediately proposed our returning – walked home with Miss W-, & instead of going to Shibden as I had intended, wrote & sent at 5 little note to my aunt, stating the case & begging her not to expect me today.

This is what Anne Lister writes about the announcement of Mrs Ainsworth’s death. It happens just like in the show, and Anne stays with Miss Walker all night. They talk about the Ainsworths and Anne even thinks that Miss Walker will "succeed her friend ” and become the new Mrs Ainsworth: “Miss W- seemed much affected but I have really got her to be far better than I could have expected – It instantly struck me – she would in due time succeed her friend & be[come] Mrs Ainsworth.” [SH:7/ML/E/15/0135] She thinks that AW will marry Mr Ainsworth, that’s her first thought, even before anything that might suggest a possible proposition of marriage happens, and (in my opinion) that says a lot about AL’s fear of being left for a man (again) and seeing yet again another one of her lovers not choosing her but marrying a man in the end.

The first letter to Ann Walker from Mr Ainsworth arrives on the 1st of November: November 1, 1832 > She [AW] begged me to stay till she had read her letter from Mr Ainsworth, & this occasioned us such dolefuls that I offered to stay till tomorrow & wrote to this effect to my aunt saying Miss W- had had letters giving the particulars of Mrs Ainsworth death & was so affected I would not leave her tonight. Mr Ainsworth hopes Miss W- will not forsake him as a friend, and begs her to write to him, without mentioning to Miss Bentley (his sister-in-law) his having written to Miss W-. ‘Oh ho’, thought I, ‘all this is very clear’ and I candidly told her what I thought. She owned she could not misunderstand him but could not shew me his letter after the request he had made. This led to my saying that she must now decide between Mr A- and me and ought to make up her mind before she sat down to write to him. Convinced her to this & it ended in her resolving to give me her final answer on Monday – to write to Mr A- on that day – and shew me her letter. [SH:7/ML/E/15/0136 & SH:7/ML/E/15/0137]

So, before having anything to do with Mr Ainsworth, Anne Lister tries to understand what are Ann Walker’s intentions about all this. The events in the show have been slightly re-ordered, just because at the end of the day they were writing a show and we’re watching a show, so things have to be structured and the story needs to unfold not in a confusing way.

The 2nd of November (Friday) is their last sad day together before the weekend and then on Monday (the 5th) all the business with the purse happen (which actually happened, they were so extra I cant with them I swear) etc. etc. 

After the purse thing, Anne Lister gives more time to Ann Walker (till the 1st of January) to decide whether to say “yes” or “no” to her. Ann Walker still remains undecided about Ainsworth and Anne Lister "even had to dictate Ann’s discouraging letter back to the importuning Ainsworth.” [Nature’s Domain] (as we see in the show).

Finally, on Wednesday, AW tells AL the truth about why she thinks she has to marry Ainsworth: November 7, 1832 > Then spoke of Mr Ainsley [Ainsworth] – she was very nervous. At last, from little to more, it came out that if she married him, it would be from duty. I pressed for explanation & discovered that she felt bound to him by some indiscretion – he had taught her to kiss, but they had never gone so far as she & I had done. He had express pathetic sorrow but was annoyed at the business with Mr Fraser & she did not know whether she should have been happy with Mr F-. On  Mr A-’s account my indignation rose against the parson – I reasoned her out of all feeling of duty or obligation towards a man who had taken such base advantage.” [SH:7/ML/E/15/0141]

After this “confession” and after Anne tells her that she has no obligation to marry Ainsworth, AW gives AL her “yes” (but, as in the show, it’s not a firm yes and she will take it back etc. etc. her indecision never ends). Mr Ainsworth keeps writing to AW and AL keeps dictating discouraging letters as a response. AL never meets Ainsworth, she just threatens him through letters. It’s just all correspondence. From the companion book: “The Reverend Ainsworth continued to write, but following a thinly veiled threat to expose his adultery if he continued to communicate with Ann, it was Anne Lister to whom his long ‘rigmarole’ letters were addressed.”

Clearly they changed this because it would have been boring to watch people just write letters to each other all the time, and I’m glad they did because that scene with Ainsworth is AMAZING. But Anne did hate him, she really hated him, at one point she even told AW to not answer anymore and just ignore him. AW kept rejecting him for the longest time (he proposes to her even in 1833 while Ann’s in Scotland).

Going back to the: “he had taught her to kiss, but they had never gone so far as she & I had done.”... From what AL writes, and from what AW says, Ainsworth never inflicted himself on Ann Walker and they never even had sex but the whole thing is not so clear, in fact, at one point AL suspects that AW did have sex with Mr Ainsworth: November 25, 1832 > “In spite of all her declarations to the contrary, I begin to suspect he [Ainsworth] really has deflowered & enjoyed her or how this so declaring against marrying anybody else & this feeling bound to him & how all the pain she suffered sometimes could scarcely walk & why never tell the gross & offending expression he used in his first lett[er] after the death of his wife & that no man would use to the woman he meant to marry? She must have had some man or other, I can never satisfy her.” [SH:7/ML/E/15/0153]

So, Anne Lister thought that AW and Ainsworth had indeed been intimate with each other. At the same time we should keep in mind that these are just AL’s thoughts and not necessarily the truth, she’s just trying to find an explanation to AW’s behaviour.

There is also a passage that I think could be open to interpretation. Anne Lister writes: November 25, 1832 > “Then grubbled her, she making no sort of objection but evidently enjoying it – she thought Mr A- had a smaller hand than mine – I said he had done it more roughly than necessary to spoil her as much as he could without the real thing “yes” (but said she hastily) “he did it first”, that is grubbled first.” [SH:7/ML/E/15/0153] AW had also said to AL that she “felt repugnance to forming any connection with the other sex.” (November 1, 1832) If we put these two things together, maybe we could speculate that what happened between Ainsworth and AW was not consensual. But this is just an interpretation and, as far as I know, in the diaries there’s no explicit mention of rape or sexual abuse.

(Most of the diary’s extracts are from Nature’s Domain by Jill Liddington, and others I decoded from Anne’s diary > Anne Lister’s diaries archive)

tl;dr the Ainsworth thing happened, yes, slightly different from what we saw but mostly accurate; he was certainly not a past lover; AL did threaten him but a lot more subtly and through letters, they never met; there was no rape but maybe Ainsworth’s attentions were really unwanted even tho’, to be absolutely sure, we would need Ann Walker’s pov on the matter which we don’t have.

[skamremakesfromhell]

one of the best and most interesting but also complicated and cursed things about skam is that it happens in real time, every day and every minute is a part of the narrative whether anything was posted or not, when there’s days where nothing is posted those days still exist in the story, the characters were still doing things and the time in between the posts is a part of that story, it’s unavoidable, the creators literally have to plan for something to be happening throughout the whole week or there will wind up being too many days where nothing is happening which throws the whole thing off, most of the time this stretching of time feels organic and interesting, it’s used to make the viewer look forward to something happening later in the week, but on rare occasions it makes me more confused, it creates this whole question of why is this happening now?? and unfortunately i think what’s currently happening with druck is one of those occasions

right now the biggest issue with the current narrative seems to be the time, it’s the structure of when we’re getting clips and the unavoidable fact that the time in between those clips still exists in the story, it’s currently wednesday night in matteo’s story because that’s what it currently is in the real world and that matters, that’s a part of the narrative and it has to be acknowledged

in hindsight of the content we’ve gotten so far i think the story would have benefited from them taking place earlier, like i would have had clip 2 of matteo going to contact david but then going back to re-research and then contacting hans about wanting to ask questions sunday afternoon, maybe add in the clip or in a text that hans is out and they need to wait until tomorrow to talk or something (you know to stretch out time a bit lol), it would have established that matteo has been doing research and he wants to contact david but he’s still confused, then that night we get the text from him to david saying he just needs some time because then we could infer that he’s waiting to talk to hans, and david would have communication from matteo and know that matteo isn’t just ghosting him that very next day, then on monday we have the clip with the boys where matteo shows his not super distraught or anything and he’s feeling chill just waiting, then another clip on monday where he comes home and talks to hans

the whole problem is that we don’t know what exactly is coming next (we can guess based off og tho) and this leaves the problem in this scenario that its only monday and we have to get all the way to friday before this episode is over, because that’s how the show is structured, there’re tons of ways druck could handle this structure but it seems instead of using it to their advantage and moving things along in a satisfying way they’re stretching it out in order to fit the week long format, they’re letting the time get the better of the story right now and it’s why so much of this is really frustrating, because ultimately i don’t think the clips themselves are doing a terrible job, like it’s unfortunately a story about trans identity and trans issues being told from a cis perspective so we’re getting explainations intended for a cis audience, they’re having matteo take some time to wrap his head around a new way of thinking about things in order to represent what an uneducated audience member would be feeling which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, i think someone watching this full episode after it airs wont feel the time between the clips and it will all feel more congruent but with the time in mind (as it needs to be because it matters) it doesn’t feel narratively congruent with how much matteo does want to be with david, with what this story about identity should be wanting to get across to its audience, this structure keeps making the audience question why is this happening now instead of feeling caught up in the story and coming to understand it better, it’s taking the issues in the narrative and it’s amplifing them instead of helping them tell a satisfying story in the real time format

[abyss-mal-blog1]

current mind-space//word vomit

it’s amazing how much can change in a few days, but it hasn’t been a week since my finals ended and i already felt so different. i have been doing f45 everyday this week (if not then some kind of workout, but i’ve really been into that recently). i am feeling so much better now without deadlines, sometimes i don’t know if i function better under pressure or not. i guess not, but then it’s amazing how much i can do and achieve under pressure. i need the right amount of pressure, and this semester it has been a little difficult for me to get around that. 

last friday was kinda my last day of finals, i just had an essay to submit, and i am disappointed in myself and my work ethic because i submitted it at 9pm, went to my cousin’s (disappointing) party, and then professor emailed me to say that she cannot read Pages format (seriously smh @ my tardiness!!!), only got back at 1am that night and sent my mediocre essay. i am a little sad about it because i know that is not my 100%. idk why but college so far has just been a series of 80% effort. this paper was an interesting one, on airbnb, on the sharing economy, it’s a performance studies paper where i analyze the hospitality platform in terms of host-user relationship, parasitism and (attempted) to talk about free online labor. it is a little too late now but i kinda want to work on it again and like, submit for feedback. maybe ill ask taylor. 

last saturday was kinda meh, i agreed to go to a *social* kinda event at a bar/club at chelsea, held for Asian-ivy-alumni-people that yanlin invited me too. it was at up&up and honestly a little...i didn’t enjoy it at all. the music sucked, the people were either too dorky or gross or old or weird, and the whole time i just kept saying to myself, “never again”. they said it was open bar but they only served absolut, which was shit. and then my friend’s two friends were...i feel sorry that this was their first clubbing experience. at the beginning my reaction was look at all these ivy alumni! get hitched with one of them for ~da connectsx~ (and nothing else) but no kidding i was actually interested in talking to them just to get to know what people who graduated from ivies are up to, and what are they doing at such events...and are they actually enjoying themselves because it was really kinda gross. met my friend’s friend who seemed like a really smart engineer (he asked for my number the next day lol), and a german dude at the bar who didn’t want to get me a drink. all i needed that night was a drink.....(i’m glad i didn’t drink tho because recently drinking has made me feel all kinds of bad)  we had ramen after at ramen-ya (most probably the worst ramen and charsiew i’ve had but what can we do at 3am and my friend wanted noodle and soup...)

on sunday i KNow i should have left my house earlier to workout but i didn’t. i was angry at myself that i didn’t. instead, i stayed at home and emotion-ate. i must have eaten more green bean soup than my stomach would have liked. what else...avocado? i remember..two bananas? god. this was the day i felt like i was n’s boyfriend because i had to do what she wanted to do. i know i had agreed on going, but at that point i really wanted to go thrifting or something. i mean when i got to central park it was fine and things were good but the whole day just felt like i was kinda pulled into doing something that wasn’t my first choice of plans, not that i didn’t enjoy myself lying under the sun at the park. it just felt like i was accompanying someone. i was half an hour late to meet her as well, and half heartedly got a burrito-wrap at newsbar. if you think about it it is really kinda funny, we’re just buying food and taking the subway to this grass patch 50 blocks away. we didn’t walk much, we literally only stayed at a little grassy slope overlooking the baseball pitch. anyway we went to a dance class after (the class was an hour long but i felt like n had asked me about when and what time we should book the classes for more than an hour by text so i just got really sick of it) i rushed home and got dinner with my uncle who’s in town for my cousin’s graduation. i was surprised that he chose the same japanese restaurant again, after dissing it half a year ago we ate here. the omakase was crazy and it cost 230 per person. (for the most expensive set) it was also kinda dumb because you aren’t allowed to order a different omakase set from anyone else - everyone on the table has to order the same - because of “timing”. i wonder if this is how it is in japanese omakase etiquette, but in any case it really earned them a hefty amount because my uncle decided to get 230 for all of us. qiyang didn’t like and said qiqi had bad taste, hahaha. the food wasn’t bad, i mean it’s japanese fusion, but the prices were way too steep for the taste. anyway enough about the food, during the dinner i think we talked about many things though. i kinda wanted to talk to my uncle individually because i think he is the only one who knows about ah gong, but he was sick, and i could tell he was exhausted. my aunt got a little impatient because i didn’t arrange plans to take their furniture and they were going to throw all of them away and it was actually the first time i’ve seen her get so worked up - but at the same time trying to control her emotions - because she was talking to me. i could tell she was annoyed though but i tried not to take it personally, and arranged it tomorrow. 

arranging the moving stuff was kinda last minute, i was walking to the library for work one day and i saw a truck that said MakeSpace. i assumed it was a kind of moving company and so i looked them up. they seemed to be pretty okay in terms of their services and so i decided to try them out. confirmation and setting up an appointment went pretty smoothly, except for the part where the guy i think his name was joseph, asked me to give my credit card details over the phone. idk why i did that! i stopped though, and asked him why, to which he replied he wanted to key in with the coupon code. this service has so much gimmicks within the first 2-3 minutes on the phone he was already telling me about how the first pick up is free, and that he will deduct 100$ off the first month...when people give you discounts too easily it just feels like a ploy and a thing they give to everyone, it’s not anything special and it’s probably calculated inside whatever we have to pay. anyway, i was just thinking it would be cheaper (assuming the maximum that i would have to pay is ~$500, as i confirmed with them on the phone yesterday), it’d still be cheaper than starting an apartment lease now and going through the trouble of finding two subletters. 

well. idk, it’s also easy to have things all moved in, i have to find a place to store my perishables!

moving is so much work, and storing things. this reminds me of my paper on airbnb and about the digital nomad lifestyle. it is interesting though, that this is what it has become. but the homogenized aesthetic is something i really cannot stand, in airbnb, in coffeeshops around the world..i am sure you know what i’m talking about. a new york times writer did something about this - he termed it “Airspace” - and apparently it originated from Brooklyn. I guess that’s where the art/avant-garde stuff started. well. keep a look out im gonna write a blogpost about that 

moving on 

nat came to sleepover on sunday night and a few days after because the school kicks you out of the dorms you pay so much for right after your final ends. i forgot if we did something fun but i probably just fell asleep. 

on monday i think i went to f45 and did cardio at Dumbo with Gi. he seems like a pretty nice trainer, the first time i went it was him and another girl Bertha (i think my first f45 was last tuesday) and i felt like i had two personal trainers with me - Gi was cheering me on and Bertha was doing it with me. it felt like such a good workout, one of the best ive had in a while. then work, where i arranged the movers stuff. i also realized i bought the wrong date for my flight ticket as my friends and had to buy one more...............

tuesday was the same f45 in the morning, and the bobst after. didn’t really get much work done at bobst. oh i also viewed a 3BR flex at 160. hella expensive and small, and dates didn’t work out anyway. also the broker who brought us to view the apartment was a very nice tall french man and his name was jean-francois which i couldn’t pronounce and asked nat but still called him jean as in jeen instead of john. this is why i have to learn french. you’re embarrassing. i also went to the itp/ima spring show with shubham which was super cool. there were many cool ideas, and i just wonder if i could create something like that. i didn’t get to see all of the exhibits which i regret, but i remember a few notable projects. one was an installation made with keyboards that randomly clicks, but when you hold your phone up it’ll stop. it’s made using 3d gestures. there’s also one at a gallery for surveillance, this team had a thing they call facebox, and it’s literally a box, that when you open it has a webcam that would capture your face, find you on facebook, and print out an invoice/receipt on how much you have earned for this giant tech company.  what else...an AR project that when you scan a food,  it shows you where the food comes from. nat said that she would love it if menus have something they could scan and then have pictures appear in ~holographic~ format, or maybe in the nearer future something on your phone that shows you a picture of the picture of the food. but isn’t it a surprise tho? sometimes the fun’s in the surprise, you read the description, you know what are the foods you’ll eat, leaving room to imagine or be surprised by how the chef puts it together! anyway, went for dinner with nat and jenny - got vegan shwarma (definitely wasn’t worth $14) and went to get crepes with will after. 

wednesday we were gonna go to the dmv but we weren’t prepared. nat also needed to get her passport and she was lazy. wow the number of times i mentioned her, it feels like she’s my boyfriend at this point. talked to famz, sister, and beatrix. am currently considering if i should even go to beijing or just go straight home. fuck. went to bobst for work but no one was there i was just really sleepy. viewed an apartment at 55 morton (it’s a nice quiet residential street that seems to be tucked away from the loud cars and bars and people) then i went to f45 again-varsity!!! cardio!!!, walked across brooklyn bridge (a little regret although i wanted to walk, but my bag was heavy and there were too many tourists to brisk walk) 

also the reason for this is that after my soba/miso/salad/shrimp dinner last night i was just watching a bunch of netflix shows and it was probably the caffeine from puerto rican roasting company - the barista made me a chai cappuccino with almond milk (3 SHOTS!!!)

me and nat couldn’t sleep, i really think i slept for an hour. i watched so many different shows, yoko and john’s documentary, while we were young, anthony bourdain, i was seriously flipping through all the shows and alternating between amazonprme and youtube and netflix and i even tried watching peaceful cuisine and making the brightness lower and had the sleep mode on and wow i just couldn’t sleep

so yeah the birth of this word vomit 

i am going to create more things

[ablackwomansurvivingrape]

October 05, 2018 at 12:05 pm EDT DAYTON — Less than two weeks before her death, LaShonda Childs posted “domestic violence is real” on her Facebook page.

The 17-year-old was shot Tuesday and died early Wednesday morning.

On Thursday, the Montgomery County Prosecutor’s Office approved charges of murder (two counts), felonious assault (three counts) and improper discharge of a firearm (two counts) against Goodwin.

Childs’ Sept. 21 post urged people to not ignore signs of domestic violence.

The entire post said:

“All jokes aside tho, everybody want a crazy n* until he got you hiding & dodging bullets. If you see the signs don't ignore it y'all. Domestic violence is real not just in movies. This n* done broke several phones, busted windows out, followed me from my house to wherever, bit me several times, threw me into walls, made me walk places with a gun to my back, put all my stuff in a sewer, held me hostage in a house & didn't let me leave, sat & waited at abandoned houses & watched me, pulled my whole sew in off leaving bald spots all that, now he done set my hair on fire & shot my house up that ain't even half the s* he did but I'm telling y'all that ain't where it's at If y'all see the signs don't ignore it i should've left that n** a long time ago now I ain't even safe in my own house..”

LaShonda Childs posted about domestic violence on social media before death The post has been shared more 42,000 times as of when this article was written.

Trenny Mack, Goodwin’s Facebook username, responded to the post and comments by other users.

The comments have been taken down, but were screenshot beforehand.

“If y’all really believe this s*** y’all sick,” read a comment by Goodwin. “This the 12th or 13th time she said I did something but still coming back. Stop it.”

When one person commented that Goodwin should let Childs “breathe” he responded, “I’m a let her breathe today. She better come home tomorrow tho, I gotta big day planned and some good news.”

On Sept. 21, Childs posted that Goodwin stole her phone and set her on fire.

“I’m sick of this s*** he on some ‘if I can’t have her nobody can,’” the post said.

A review of court records by this news organization revealed Childs and her family also went to police for help related to Goodwin on multiple occasions.

Goodwin was on probation for a misdemeanor assault case against Childs and was ordered not to see her when he allegedly pulled her hair and wig, set it on fire and threw it at her causing burns last month.

On Sept. 13, 2018, Goodwin caused “burn injuries” to Childs during a robbery attempt at Childs’ North Upland Avenue residence, according to an affidavit and statement of facts written by a Dayton police detective.

“Mr. Goodwin caught Ms. Childs on her front porch and tried to pull her by the hair,” Det. Justin Ellis wrote in an effort to establish probable cause for an arrest warrant. “Her hair had been a wig and was pulled off. After noticing it was a wig Mr. Goodwin lit the wig on fire and threw it onto Ms. Childs causing burns to her left bicep.

“The burning sensation caused her to drop her phone. Mr. Goodwin picked the phone up and fled the scene. Mr. Goodwin has been sending threatening comments to Ms. Childs and Ms. Childs’ friends and relatives since this incident.”

A termination entry in that case was filed Sept. 20 which said, “Upon application of the Prosecuting Attorney and for good cause shown,” the case was dismissed without prejudice.

Court records show that in February 2018, Goodwin assaulted Childs by “striking, biting, kicking, and pulling her hair,” which matched Facebook posts from Childs’ page.

On Sept. 10, 2018, Dayton Municipal Court Judge Daniel Gehres ordered an additional year of probation for Goodwin and continued an April decision for a criminal protection order that Goodwin was to stay 500 feet away from Childs. The order also prohibited Goodwin from contacting Childs by telephone.

On April 24, 2018, Gehres released Goodwin from the Electronic Home Detention Program (EHDP). Before that, the judge allowed Goodwin work release privileges while on EHDP.

Municipal court clerks said some court documents in the case were in Gehres’ office when this news organization requested copies. A message seeking access to those dockets left with Gehres’ office was not immediately returned.

Goodwin also abducted Childs at a Crest Drive residence on Jan. 31, 2018, according to a complaint and affidavit filed in Dayton Municipal Court.

“Trendell Goodwin slapped his girlfriend, LaShonda Childs in the face after she told him she was leaving to hang out with a friend,” Dayton police officer Sara VonHolle wrote. “The argument escalated until Goodwin threatened to knock out Childs. Goodwin then kicked Childs out of the residence with little clothing.

“After Childs attempted to make contact with neighbors she returned to the residence in an attempt to retrieve clothing and shoes. Goodwin then dragged Childs into the residence and would not allow her to leave.

“When DPD arrived on scene Childs could be heard from inside the residence yelling that he would not let her out. To affect the arrest, DPD forced entry into the home where Goodwin was taken into custody.”

Municipal Court records show that the case was presented to a grand jury for possible felony charges, but a termination entry was filed Feb. 9, 2018 that showed no counts moved forward. “Case ignored by the grand jury,” the entry read.

[whatdoesshedotothem]

Friday 14 October 1836

7 35

12          

No kiss much rain in the night and this morning and damp and a little small rain this morning and F47° now at 8 50 am siding in my study till breakfast at 9 ½ - A- read a little French - had Mr. Husband at 10 ¼ - spoke to him about outdoor etc for the Lodge - about the hay places etc - A- sent by him letter post paid to Messrs. Heron and Dale ordering tea and coffee -out with Robert Mann at the dry wall arching till called in to Mr. Jubb at near 12 - he went with me to see my aunt - I perceived a change last night - Matty sent to speak to me (thro’ Cookson) this morning - Mr. J- thinks the coffin had best come tonight, and my poor aunt to be soldered up - the corpse may be offensive before tomorrow morning - asked him to be so good as let Greenwood know - Mr. J- to call again in a few days to look after A- and Cookson - sat with A- talking and helping her to measure and cut out 3 servants hall table cloths - took out at 1 and walked in the walk and on the flags in front of the house till 2 - then with Robert Mann + 3 at the dry wall-arching and John Frier (come to help Robert Mann) scarping the road - Ingham and his man and boy not here today or yesterday - while with Robert who has had Joseph Mann helping him today, Holt came to go and see the Long goit - hopes the matter of Mrs. Machan’s coal will be settled on Tuesday or Wednesday and he will call and let me know on Thursday - Mr. Rawson has just sent and offered £400. Holt had offered £500 to be paid in ten years at £50 per annum or 5p.c. on the value allowed for paying the money down - I said they would never agree to this if they understood it - he must settle the matter if possible - get the coal for the least possible sum above £400 - he had heard they meant to ask me £2000 for the farm (coal including) - I said I would rather have the coal separately - to manage it if possible - then went to the gardener and Hemingway, the Wyke gardener, doing up the south bank of the new approach road thro’ the wood - staid with them till 5 ¾ when Greenwood’s man came for the cart to go for the coffin - Frank gone to the Long goit with iron rails - went towards Mytham - met him near the great sycamore and sent him off to H-x - dressed - dinner at 6 40 - coffee upstairs - sent for Matty Pollard - Messrs. Duncan and Greenwood came about 7 - with their people 2 women and men to solder up - ordered the corpse to be left upstairs - would not have the body in the drawing room tomorrow while the joiners are hammering at the hall floor - Matty came for me to see my aunt - A- wished to go with me, and tho’ rather nervous and in tears, behaved better than I expected - my poor aunt looked so little changed, and all agreed (Matty said) that there was no necessity for soldering up for several days, that I would not have it done - but had the lead coffin placed on the bed and all made tidy - to have the corpse in the house, and be unable to see it is doubly melancholy - the soldering up is to be done on Sunday night - letter 1 2/3 pp. very kind nice letter from Lady Stuart Brafield house - ‘the melancholy event you wrote to acquaint me of having taken place, I trust and hope you look on rather as a blessing, for one you so loved should be released from her long suffering!’ hopes I shall after a short time be able to leave home - kindly hopes to see me in London or Richmond Park as may suit me best - the S- de R-s at Berne - going to Turin - give up Geneva on account of cholera - travel to amuse Louisa who is in low spirits tho’ Lady S- never observed it

SH:7/ML/E/19/0126

Letter 2 ½ pp. from M- Lawton - returned on Wednesday afternoon and wrote that evening - she seems sorry perhaps shocked at not having seen my poor aunt once again! her 1st impulse was to come ‘but a 2nd thought has made me pause, perhaps you have all at this moment you best desire, and if you had or wish you would have expressed it, in perfect confidence that the friend of your youth and affection, is always ready to share your sorrows, and rejoice in your comfort - call upon me as you may, and when you may, I am always ready - Events have indeed made a wide gap in your affections, but those you have loved best press forward to help to fill up the void, and whilst Mary is left there is yet one to love you ‘dearly fondly and faithfully’........ I am sad, I feel very, very sad - but, Fred, I am faithfully and affectionately yours Mariana’ - Letter also 3pp from Mrs. Duffin York condolence - supposes A- my great comfort #, and supposes ‘your sister is also with you who will feel the loss of a good aunt; at your same time she will aid you all in her power - remember me kindly to both’ - i.e. A- and Marian - announces her nephew Mr. George Marsh’s marriage 14 August to Elizabeth Frances eldest daughter of Archdeacon MacDonald of Salisbury - the young man just in priests orders and inducted to the living of Sutton Beuger in North Wiltshire - E. Raine much improved in health - wants to have much talk with me about her - a surplus of income - thinks her old servant Whiuray might have the £10 per annum left to her in the will made in my favour! - Letter also 2pp. from Mrs. Bull 3 Friargate Derby - thinks she has found a housekeeper to suit me - lived as lady’s maid and housekeeper with Mrs. Evans the banker of Derby - wages £25 per annum - a trustworthy managing woman understanding all sorts of cookery - Thomas the York joiner doing my dressing room both yesterday and today - Read tonights’ paper and then wrote all but the 1st five lines of today till 10 40 at which hour F42° - damp morning but fair from about 9 am and finish towards noon and very fine afternoon and evening for the time of year -

[galacticvampirisms]

I realized I can’t take Benadryl to go to sleep because I’ll sleep through my alarm! So this because there’s no one I can talk to.

Work has been hell again. For the past two or three weekends it has been. The only respite was the one Saturday where I did a school event and and got a $50 Visa gift card. I spent it all on art supplies basically immediately. But the Friday before and Sunday after were awful. The next weekend, I had a dog every day that’d been home-groomed for x amount of time. Longest was ??? The woman’s first language wasn’t English but Mandarin, and I couldn’t communicate effectively with her. But the dog was nigh impossible to safely groom without people staring at me like I was torturing the dog by holding her leg. My boss undermined by special handling fee by arguing through another manager that we should’ve warned her when she first came in about the fee. Guess what, new dog wtf. Okay, well we should’ve called her. Bitch barely understood me at check in, she didn’t understand that her dog was done when I called her, and she definitely would not understand why Princess was more expensive. Okay, well we should’ve done it so you’re out $7. And my coworker was all “oh she wasn’t that bad.” You. Weren’t. There. Bitch. And of course the woman still had a bitch fit about the cost. The manager without a brain that the store leader was speaking through removed the hand from his ass long enough to agree later that she was crazy. You think?

This weekend so far someone deleted my block today and I had a dachshund try to take my finger off while in the kennel. I refused to do it and warned the owner, who came back with my request dog’s family (all related), in tears as I was leaving. Nevermind Friday I was so emotionally fragile I spend most of the time crying, and then my boss, the puppetmaster idiot, told me and the bather to move all the tables and drawers to the back of the salon so the floors could be stripped and waxed overnight. The bather is kinda useless as anything but a receptionist (can’t cut nails ever, tried to pawn a puppy off on me, but she’s quitting to get trained by a mobile grooming company so that’s gonna end well lmao), and she had just hurt her back. The tables alone are like 80-110 lbs. I asked who was going to help me and when he laughed I got mad. Btw, they didn’t do shit to the floors in the salon so the entire venture was useless. If I’m still working when it happens again, I will refuse to move anything the first night because this is the third time that’s happened.

 I want to quit when my contract is up if I can find a job that A. let’s me work Friday-Sunday and earn the same amount I currently do if not more (am willing to work 10 hour shifts tho) B. Gives me the chance to become full time if grad school doesn’t work out the way I want it to and C. Doesn’t have dickass for a boss like my store leader. So I’m looking at a private grooming company, and I’m anxious because I called and they requested a resume and I don’t know how far back I should write my jobs because I’ve had too many.

One of the zines I’ve been working on has been having me screaming. In contrast, the other has been lovely. They pushed back pre-orders a bit because I told them I was too overwhelmed with finals and everything. But once I get the first zine’s final piece done I’m quitting and never looking back at their shit again or joining zines led by them.

I had my first HRT shot and nothing’s really different. I don’t think it helped that I lowkey have a cold or something with pollen going on so if anything happened to my voice at all it was masked by that (Wednesday I did have a very hoarse throat all of a sudden that went away so I’m uncertain?) I also accidentally sedated myself Tuesday and missed most of my classes. I keep saying it as a joke (dog groomer, sedated dogs, also I’m an idiot with medicine) but it actually put a lot of extra stress on me with school and I’ve been even more vulnerable about shit because of it. I feel like I’m going to fail my classes even though I have 2/4 projects done and some of the extra prints I’m doing are bonus, while the paintings aren’t due until Thursday. 

I had a nightmare about school. And about this guy I like(d). He’s dating. The emotionless cyborg is dating, and he’s too busy to do things like DnD (why did I ever get my hopes up that it’d actually happen). And I’m still alone. With a stupid crush and stupid nightmares and stupid him bought stupid tickets to the thing stupid me introduced him to. Everyone is dating and fucking and together and I’m going to be alone. Forever. It feels like it will be that way at least.

I feel like the villain with my best friend. He’s upset that I’m burnt out on a particular muse and apparently in my Benadryl-induced stupor when he said one of the words I hate (it’d never come up before so it’s not like he did it on purpose), I had an extremely averse reaction. He didn’t talk to me all the next day except to say I was being over-dramatic, which really pissed me off. Apparently he can’t be bothered to remember I care very much about words or that he has a mechanism in place to step away from a conversation and discuss it later, but he has to tell me the time he’ll come back. 

I was mostly settled after a long and emotional conversation where I kept crying as I admitted some of my more stupid insecurities. Shit like how even though I really, genuinely am happy that he has a fallback for his anxiety in tumblr that I still get tied up inside knowing he interacts with people who hated me. Partly drove me away from RP and has me convinced to never go back, even if I had the time. He talks about how D is talked about all the time on his roleplay account but I don’t see it ever. It’s always really bad habits D tried to break his muse of to make a more supportive family. 

He’s burnt out on me. He was upset that I was burnt out on Dwayne and felt rejected but how am I supposed to feel about the opposite? I try to play it like it’s just a joke to me or something, but it hurts. So badly. I wasn’t rejecting him; I tried all the different ways I could to keep going. But I used to get to rp in 3-4 different universes, with different characters, and that variety made it so I didn’t feel like I was dragging my feet through the same dirt all the time. 

That doesn’t make sense as a metaphor but it does to me.

It also hurts that I can’t find some way to rp that doesn’t depend on him. It’s not for lack of trying. I’ve gone to about 3-4 dramwidth groups (some he doesn’t know about because I had kinda gone in with a downer attitude if I’m honest). RP has always been an anxiety relief for me when it’s with someone I trust. But that’s just him now (thought the DnD group would be that but it’s never gonna happen is it). 

I can’t get anyone to talk to me at all, and I don’t have therapy until Monday, and if I wasn’t so tired and anxious about having 6 dogs tomorrow and moving everything back again (the tables too I’m sure if they actually keep their word about doing the floors in the salon), I’d be up and either overeating or doing something dumb to make myself hurt. But I’m already doing that anyway os.

[veryfineday]

Wednesday 11 Fabruary 1835

8 1/2

11 1/2

Vc  Vc  L  L  N

no kiss

fine frosty tho’ rather hazy morning Fahrenheit 37º at 9 1/4 a.m. at which hour breakfast – marian came to us and staid a long while (till after 11) – had had Washington before breakfast was over – brought A-[Ann] bacK the small plans he had borrowed – some talK about godley – told him to thinK about it, and try if he could not get some worsted spinner from Bradford to try and buy it for me, underhand – I would gladly pay for the deeds maKing out twice –

marian will get another housemaid – Elizabeth Howarth will not do – told marian (when A-[Ann] had left the room) that she marian ought to have gone out last night in the carriage or had matthew to go for her – she tooK it all very well, and said she was much obliged – mentioned her having her friend in the drawing room –

Had PicKells after 11, to say he had been at yewtrees wood – Gill stealing hedge staKes etc. for not set to brush any part of the wood by mr. Freeman – sent P-[Pickles] to asK mr. Freeman himself – A-[Ann] and I off to H-x[Halifax] at 11 50/.. – down the old bank –

called at the vicarage – mrs. musgrave not at home – A-[Ann] left her card and I wrote my name on it in pencil – then to Wellhead – saw mrs. waterhouse her son John mrs. musgrave and mr. m-[Musgrave] for a minute and a mr. Inglish? came in and was introduced to us – we found miss Bramley there on our arrival- mr. John w-[Waterhouse] the only one with her – introduced her to me – my stately freezing bow forbade all advances – the W-s[Waterhouses] dont care for the Protheroe-letters – seem to fear a scrutiny and another election – mr. Wortley has just lost 5 plumpers by death since the election – mrs. w-[Waterhouse] hoped A-[Ann] would not learn to walK and be liKe me – one miss Lister quite enough – could not do with 2 – one quite enough to move in such an excentric orbit –

then shopping – went to Duncan’s and promised him my tailor-custom and hoped the blues would sticK together – home up the new banK at 2 – Had PicKells to say mr. Freeman had given Gill no orders – P-[Pickels] had found a man getting sticKs in Southholm wood – tooK him down to mrs. Abraham Hemingway – she would not tell who he was and helped to encourage him to KnocK P-[Pickles] down – said I would settle about it – and sent P-[Pickles] to get a warrant for Gill, and a summons for each of the 4 hunters that went thro’ WhisKum bar without paying – mr. Carr, the huntsman, etc. George N-[Naylor] had come to see if I would let him cart stones down WhisKum road gratis – no! certainly not; nor would I let Dodgson cart anything for Coldwell hill farm gratis – told George N-[Naylor] to go to Southholm and get to Know about the sticK-stealer, his name and where to find him – sat talKing to A-[Ann] till out at 3 3/4 –

to Lower brea wood – Throp junior and 3 men getting up sycamores – called home to mr. Bradley – met him in the walK – tooK him to looK about the site of a new public house – thinKs there will be no difficulty in moving the stag’s head to just near the Stony Lane into Common wood – the excavation to be turned into a garden – have 9 DW [Day's Work] of land adjoining – stablishing for 8 or 10 horses – all very to be very nice and well done for £800 (outside) and would make a nice tea drinKing house – should let for £50 per annum independent of land –

[margin: Site, expense and rent of proposed new Stag’s head]

against a corn mill for Holt’s reason – too far from the canal – thought 2 good houses (for shops) might be built at northgate, end of Broad Street, for £600, at most £700, that would let for £80 per annum – suppose would take 300 or 400 square yards of ground at a shilling per yard ground rent – that would be say £20 per annum ground + £60 per annum building-rent – that said I would pay much better than building a new Stags head Inn –

[margin: 2 new houses at Northgate]

then tooK mr. B-[Bradley] to the dry bridge – he will come at 9 to 9 1/2 a.m. tomorrow to give orders to PicKells – then went ot the end of ParK farm wood (late Walsh land) to see another sycamore unloaded – home at 6 10/.. – dinner at 6 1/2 – Coffee – 50 minutes with my father and marian till 8 3/4 then wrote all the above of today till 9 1/4 –

Letter (1/2 sheet full) from Lady Stuart de R-[Rothesay]  she tooK the brown shawl – Lady S-[Stuart] one of the white ones, Vere another, and the 2 Stuart girls the other 2 – all pleased – Lord S-[Stuart] has not got any appointment and none left for him now – that they will be forthcoming for some time –

Letter also from M-[Mariana] dated lastly Bristol, post marK Bristol 10 February – her niece’s, Percy’s, lungs affected – had removed her to near mr. BulcocK’s in Devonshire within Louisa Belcombe’s reach – and M-[Mariana] after staying a fortnight with the poor little girl left her and made a few day’s tour, and then joined mr. Lawton at Bristol – still harps upon me  says it is difficult to forget  wishes she was made of something harder than flesh and blood –

1/4 hour with my aunt till 10 1/4 – very poorly – bad night last night – great deal of pain – very fine day – tho’ rather hazy Fahrenheit 42º at 10 35/.. p.m. – then wrote till 10 40/.. as follows to ‘mr. Freeman, Briar Lodge, Southowram’ to go by george at 8 1/2 a.m. tomorrow – ‘miss Lister’s compliments to mr. Freeman, and is sorry she will be engaged the whole of tomorrow, but will be glad to see him some day next weeK, when she hopes to have got a plan she would liKe to shew him – miss Lister will be obliged to mr. Freeman to let her Know what day he will come – she has desired PicKells to proceed against Gill who, it seems, did not act under mr. Freeman’s orders. Shibden hall. Wednesday evening 11 February 1835’ –

[misslisterkeepsajournal]

1822 Monday 3 June

6 3/4

Before breakfast wrote the latter 3rd of page 3 almost all of both the ends of my foolscap sheet to M- all very small and close - that she should have nothing to do with money concerns in Petergate, that the bond of marriage settlement was quite sufficient to come upon all disposable property belonging to Charles or Mr Lawton, tho’ I feared no part of the estate was disposable, mention my supposition that a resettlement may yet be made or that the deed of 18 hundred and eight may not have set the grandfathers will aside, propose my insuring her father’s life for seven years at four pounds nineteen and nine pence percent a year to pay annually thirty pounds - Told M- all the news - that all present hope of selling the estate must be given up - Plantation burnt - horses bought - tour into Wales etc.

After breakfast letter from Squibb to say that advertising for sale by private contract had already produced several applications “from 1 or 2 of which”, says Squibb, “I entertain hopes of a favourable result, particluarly from the reverend Dr Chafy of Cambridge for whose determination I have promised to wait 10 days...who having a good deal of landed property in Yorkshire and being in possession of a large sum of money is I think very likely to become the purchaser should his agent’s report be favourable” -

Came upstairs at 10 1/2 - squeezed a few lines into the remainder of the end of my paper to M- (Lawton) to tell her the contents of Squibb’s letter and for the same purpose wrote 1 1/2 page to my father (Skelfler Market Weighton) -

Sauntered with my aunt to the new road to order about the stoning near our gateway and at 12 10/60 (George waited in the Cunnery lane) got into the gig and drove Percy to Pyenest and put my two letters into the post as we went - the 1st time I have driven him since his being fired and indeed since my last return - from York - no horse could go better or more steadily - Sat 3/4 hour with Mrs Edwards then drove back as far as Bull Green - Called at the Saltmarshes’ (out) - spoke to Jaffer about harness for driving tandem - Spoke to Thomas about going to Selby for the horse on Wednesday and to Sugden’s (the horsebreaker’s) wife to come tomorrow to put Vienne into the bridles - then went and read about an hour at Whitby’s - Blackword’s [Blackwood’s] Magazine for May 1822 - Sat about 1/2 hour with E.S. [Emma Saltmarshe?] who looked fagged and ill having walked too much this morning, and got home at 5 -

Dined earlier, and at 6 3/4 set off with my uncle to Lightcliffe to speak to Mr and Mrs William Priestley about letting one of the Hipperholme trust-farms - Mr William Priestley is to act for his uncle Mr Walker of Crownest who is quite laid up with the gout - Mrs Wililam Priestley not at home we are to drink tea there tomorrow. Met Mrs Priestley in going - Sauntered loitered and stopt terribly by the way - almost an hour surely at Hincliffe’s the blacksmith’s talk about the coals he and company rent take of my uncle - Got home at 9 10/60 at which hour Barometer 3 degrees above changeable Farenheit 70 1/2 - Very fine day - very hot in spite of a fine air - wrote the above of today during supper and went downstairs at 10 1/4. Came up again at 10 50/60 [Regarding her venereal disease: 3 treatments no discharge] -

Reference: SH:7/ML/E/6/0013

[skgway]

1824 Sept., Mon. 13

7 50/60

1 35/60

Breakfast at 9 – Mrs. Mackenzie came and sat with me 1/2 hour. She is in doubt whether to stay here or not. Seemed to ask my advice and being inclined to stay if her father is pretty well. I would not speak decidedly, but was evidently in favour of her staying. She has had much unhappiness. Married against her choice from convenience [to] a man thirty years older than herself who made her unhappy, tho she always tried to do her duty. Her daughter cleverer than she is, and has rather the upper hand it seems. Mrs. Mackenzie’s being so communicative rather struck me – 

Mrs. Mackenzie gave me a ticket given to her by Mr. Brande that will always admit me to the Jardin des Plantes – Miss Mackenzie, too, came in and sat with me a few minutes – On this account, it was 12 before I had read over my 3 letters finished last night, and had no time to make any extracts from them – They must be in the general post office, Rue J.J. Rousseau, by 2 or could not be taken in today and there being no English post tomorrow must have waited till Wednesday. 

My letter to my aunt (began on Wednesday, 3 pages, the ends, and under the turn-down, giving an account of my journey, my being very comfortable here, of Madame de B– [Boyve]’s being handsome – Of our sitting in the Tuileries gardens, and of the Champs Elysées, and of the fête at St. Germain. Gave an  account of the shawls worn and their prices – excerpt this – 

My letter to M– [Mariana] on the same subjects only giving a more regular account, rather journalwise, and adding  short answers to M– [Mariana]’s last letter – Merely said on the subject of Mrs. H. S. B– [Belcombe]’s management of the going-to-York business, I did not understand it, but she and Steph had my best wishes – 

Entreated M– [Mariana] not to pother herself about Petergate money matters – Mrs. B– [Belcombe] knew what she was, and would take care of the girls – I did not think Dr. B– [Belcombe]’s practice could now be sold for much – He was not likely to be well enough to introduce anyone – but Steph’s name and kinship would serve him – 

Affectionate to 𝛑 [Mariana], kind about Miss Pattison, but much more the former to Miss Maclean. Very much  so to her, tho anybody might see it. Perhaps she herself may muse over a line or two in the first page – Told both my aunt and M– [Mariana] and Miss Maclean of my having Madame Galvani, that she alone was worth coming to Paris for; and all my time – would be taken up in endeavoring to gain the French language – 

My letter to Miss Maclean began at Shibden Wednesday 18 August, resumed and finished yesterday – Foolscap sheet 3 pp [pages long ends and under the turn-down – Very small and short – Treated of my journey being comfortable here, the Tuileries, Champs Elysées, fête of St. Germain etc. etc. very briefly – All the rest bavardage amical – 

Went out at 12 1/4 (took Cordingly with me). Direct to the general post-office in the rue J.J. Rousseau – Put in my letter to my aunt (Shibden) 22 sols and to “Mrs. Lawton Lawton hall etc. 22 sols and to “Miss Maclean of Coll Tobermory N[orth] B[ritain] (Ecosse)” 28 sols, because letters here are paid for according to their weight, and I had sealed this letter and wafered the 2 others – Wafers always used here because lighter than sealing wax, and for the same reason the French choose thin writing paper – 

Saw the man who took my letters, and those of the crowd standing round the wire grating of his bureau, weigh each letter in a pair of scales hanging close to him – From the Post Office walked thro’ the Halle au blés, and the church of St. Eustache for Cordingly to see them – Then along the Rue de Grenelle direct thro’ the palace of the Louvre to the Pont des Arts – 

Crossed the Pont Neuf, and returned over the Pont Royal thro’ the Tuileries gardens and got home at 2 – The porter gave me a letter, charged only 5 sols (brought by some private conveyance – Sent thro’ our ambassador from Miss Maclean (Tobermorey)

Oh! That I had had it before I went out – On coming upstairs to Mrs. Mackenzie to ask what they were going to do, found them going to the Louvre to try to see the exhibition there of the new (Modern) pictures – Done by living, and I believe, all French artists; for the King’s death was hourly expected, and all public places would be closed for 6 weeks – 

His majesty had taken leave of his family, and received extreme unction – The Garde du Corps to be changed – Monsieur the next King will go to St. Cloud and there will be no fête there – What a stupid place, says everyone with one accord, will Paris be! 

Away we went to the Louvre – Spent already, sans aucune except, till further orders – Sauntered in the Tuileries Gardens – Got back at 4 – Read my letter from Miss Maclean – Very kind and affectionate – I know not any of her letters that has given me more pleasure – Perhaps the receiving it here, might add to my delight – I shall keep, and read it by way of stimulus, for see the end of the crossing. Breadalbane thought me “almost quite handsome at Esholt” and Miss MacL[ean] evidently likes and admires me. 

Visited by an old admirer, “You once said you thought I would have been happier in the married state, no, no, you are mistaken. Unless with a mind and heart like your own, the married state would have been misery to me. Far happier as I am” – See the bottom of page one – 

And the last end for the following, after desiring a continuation of the extracts from my journal “You know not how I was tormented at home about you. Miss B[elcombe]’s manner of speaking half did this. She only, poor soul, jested. But very little difference of manner in you would have made me dislike you at that time. I believe it was mostly occasioned by a little tincture of jealousy at home” ..... 

Thought I to myself, this lets me into much the Belcombes are no advantage to me. I now really dislike Anne, not tho on her own hearts account, for she is good, but for the disagreeableness of her manners. I would not for worlds be thought a friend of hers. Poor soul. She too was jealous I guess, the style in which she would mention me – 

Breadalbane, by thinking me almost handsome at Esholt, has perhaps got over her prejudices and I may conciliate her perhaps entirely with a little care – She must have some idea of Miss MacL[ean]’s partiality, for on the arrival of my letter she threw it into the room with a “There be happy.” See the fir[s]t page and at the bottom of the second is the more than permission to write Sibella. 

Mrs. Grieves would have been most happy to see me – Miss M[a]cL[ean] inclosed me a letter from her niece Miss Hobart – I should fancy her a nice good hearted fashionable girl. The superior cleverness I have somehow expected would not strike one from her letter. She is in first rate nobility society evidently – I am to burn the letter. 

At the end of the envelopes the following “I certainly do spend a good deal on dress, but if I had all to buy I think I could manage very well. Surely a single woman can live very comfortably upon nine hundred a year, which I understand I have at my disposal. Uncle Sullivan told me before I went to Paris, as worth eighteen thousand pounds and rather more” 

At the 4th page, Miss Hobart’s letter (dated “13th” August), “Now as to your picture, your friend, whose name I forgot, is perfectly welcome to it now. I will with pleasure lend it for a short time, but you may tell her she is much more welcome now than at the horrible time you mention, for if I survive you, I shall not then spare it.” – 

Reading and musing over my letter till near 5, then came the Irish girl and another young person from Madame Romatier to try on my new gown – Not only my stays, but my petticoats ill made (true enough) – French stays would cost 30 francs and upwards – Such calico as my petticoats are made of, so strong and good, not to be got in Paris – The best I could get would be thinner and finer, 5 francs an aune. An aune wide, tho’ this of mine was 1/3 in England yard and ½ wide – it would take 3 or 4 aunes for a petticoat; and the making (at Madame R– [Romatier]’s) would be 5 francs – 

Dinner at 6 – A Mr. Moore who would speak nothing but desperately bad French all the while made his debut at the table – To stay for how long, I know not – Does not dance now in England – Does not like the present style of dancing in England except at Almacks – Rather a would-be-prig – Nothing great, methinks, aborigine and at home – 

Madame de B– [Boyve] would teach me Ecarte, and after a game or 2, set me down to play with Mr. Moore (not for money) and I played with him (the better of the 2 I think) for surely above an hour – In the evening had Monsieur Belleveue; a Swiss Count, a handsome young man; Monsieur Denappe, and Monsieur St. Auban – 

After playing at finding out words and talking to 1 or other (have not sat next Madame de B– [Boyve] these 3 or 4 nights) came up to bed (leaving the party, at 11 35/60 making memoranda of my accounts – Read and mused over Miss McL– [MacLean]’s all which kept me up so late – 

Very fine day – The sun out – Very warm – Fharenheit 69º at 12 3/4 – E [two dots, treading venereal complaint] O [two dots, marking discharge] –