#I have so many thoughts right now I'm spinning that stupid creeper around in my brain like its a microwave

[localsharkcryptid]

Chat, would anyone be interested in an effective essay on my Sam headcanons for why he is the way he is- and by extension the reasoning for why my creeper lore is so elaborate-

[fandom-junk-drawer]

The Witcher Headcanon (Modern AU) - Error 404 Brain Not Found: Bonus Scene - Part 6

Where the f**k is he going?

Geralt was confused when he saw Jaskier signal to him, then put his turn signal on. They had both finished their personal errands, met for lunch and were now on the way home. But Jaskier was making an unplanned stop.

Geralt scowled when he noticed Jaskier was pulling into that fancy new car wash. What the h*ll was he planning? Surely he wasn't expecting Geralt to take Roach through the car wash! H*ll no! His precious vintage creeper van was hand wash only!

Jaskier pulled over into the back, parking in one of the bays with the vacuum cleaner and trash bin.

"I'm not taking Roach through that automated monster! I don't care how fancy it is or how many 'fun lights' it has!" Geralt had snarled out the window immediately upon parking in the bay next to Jaskier.

Jaskier had rolled his eyes behind his helmet. Geralt knew it by the way his head had tilted.

"Hakuna your tatas," Jaskier had drawled, pulling off his helmet, breath puffing in the chilly air, "we aren't here to wash Roach." He'd given Geralt a mischeivous grin. "Am going to wash my motorcycle!"

Geralt had opened his mouth to comment that there were no self-service bays for him to use, and had then realized what Jaskier had meant.

"You aren't--!"

"Ah am!"

"But don't you think it's a little...cold out?" Geralt asked, trying really hard to ignore his inner child and be a resonable, responsible adult. "I really don't think it's a good idea."

"It's not that cold," Jaskier sniffed, "And besides, Ah read that cold showers and ice baths are supposed to be good for you! Come on, Geralt! It's got fun lights and they sync to the music!"

Geralt had started grinning. It was a stupid idea, but then again... He had always wondered what it would be like. And there was just something about the multicolored blinking lights that called to him.

But the Witcher part of his brain recoiled with a hiss at the thought of getting wet.

Jaskier noticed the brief repulsed look on Geralt's face. "Okay, I'll do it, and you just record so we can show it to Lambert later!"

Geralt knew he should stop Jaskier. Yennefer was not going to be happy about this if she found out. But between the carnival like atmosphere of the blinking lights coupled with Jaskier's infectious grin, Geralt's common sense hadn't stood a chance. Besides, Yennefer was off in Aretuza at some kind of Magic the Gathering something or other. She would be gone for about a week.

"Fine, I'll record it." Geralt rumbled.

Jaskier had pulled up to the automated car wash, picked the wash he wanted, then proceeded to slowly roll through while Geralt stood at the exit, recording the whole thing.

Jaskier was gasping and yelping as he had rolled through the blast of water from the undercarriage cleaning jets.

He had laughed when the washer arms had gone around, soaking him with hot water.

He'd wiped his visor to clear it, only to have it, and the rest of him covered in a layer of foamy soap.

Geralt had seen the exact moment when Jaskier began to rethink his grand idea

He'd been frantically trying to clear the soap off his visor and ended up screaming when the spinning brushed launched a sneak attack and almost knocked him off his motorcycle.

The horizontal roof brush had swept down and gone right for his head. Jaskier had ended up getting bent over backwards by the brush, then almost knocked over the handlebars after sitting up and getting hit from behind as the brush made a return trip.

He was left with the uncomfortable feeling that he'd just bent over both ways for the fastest lay of his life.

Geralt could only laugh helplessly and try to keep the phone steady as Jaskier was assaulted by the brushes.

With the cheerfully glittering lights, the billowing steam, and the screaming, thrashing bard, it appeared as if a very energetic one-man rave was going on.

By then, Jaskier had gone from cussing excitedly, to cussing vehemently.

F**k-!

*unintelligible garbled scream*--motherf***er--*startled gasp*.

Sh*t, oh, sh*t!

*angry bard noises*

Jaskier is westling his helmet off the second the brushes stop, only to be hit in the face by rinse jets. His indignant screech comes out as a cut off gargle as the water soaks him to the skin.

Geralt had been laughing uproariously as Jaskier had finally reached the exit.

He'd sedately trundled towards the exit, an air of "I've seen some sh*t" about him.

Jaskier had screamed "It's F***ING COLD!" as he'd come through the blast of air from the exit dryers and got hit by the chilly outside air. He was really cold now, but something about the way Geralt was laughing and telling him how cool that had been made him feel like he could ignore it.

"See you at the house!" Jaskier had laughed, shoving his helmet on and reving his engine.

"Jask, maybe you should dry off in Roach first--!"

Jaskier had cheerfully given Geralt the finger and ridden off, leaving him to rush to his van to follow.

The ride home had been pure h*ll. Jaskier had regretted his decision barely five seconds after leaving the car wash. The already chilly air felt positively icy, and it cut right through his sodden clothing. He shook all the way home, and barely managed to get the key to turn in the lock before pulling off his helmet and opening the door with his numb hands.

Yennefer jumped up from the couch the minute Jaskier stumbled through the front door, pale, shaking, and with his hair soaking wet.

Jaskier cringed when he saw her.

She was supposed to be in Aretuza! What the f**k was she doing home?

"What the h*ll happened?" Yennefer gasped, her face a mask of worry.

Jaskier considered lying to her -- telling her he'd gotten caught in a rainstorm, or maybe thrown into the river by an angry mob (something that sounded cool, or at least believable) but she was already in his head, and was going to find out any second, so he went with a cryptic hint of "Ah, er, f-f-f-f**ked a c-c-c-car wash b-b-b-brush?"

"Julian Alfred Pankratz!"

Jaskier flinched.

"You a**fiddle!" she shouted, seeing the whole thing. She'd wanted to be mad, really, really mad at him, but he'd looked so pathetic standing there shivering...

"Babe, what were you thinking?" she sighed, knowing d*mn well that he hadn't been thinking at all.

She'd made him take a hot shower, got him some warm clothes, wrapped him in a blanket, and sat his a** on the couch. Then she'd made him take some tinctures, hot tea, and a spoonful of the foulest tasting potion he'd ever had pass his lips.

It had tasted absolutely awful. He imagined it was what Valdo Marx's a**hole tasted like.

Geralt had thought he could hide in his van and wait out Yennefer's wrath. Nope. Yennefer knew he'd gotten home just minutes after Jaskier. She had gone right out and dragged his a** inside and lectured him while Jaskier was taking his shower.

Then she'd made him take the Valdo's A**hole potion too. She claimed it was so he wouldn't get a cold or something. But Geralt knew the real reason:

She was just petty like that.