#I have considered whether or not I'm cis.... And I still feel as though she / her fits me best. So I try to stay out of discussions like-

[shadowkira]

Another thing since I'm apparently venting today:

While it is perfectly fine and honestly encouraged to headcanon characters as trans fem, trans masc or nonbinary... Don't use a canonically cis dude to bash a canonically nonbinary character.

Saw someone dunking on Venture being too feminine and then showing four "masculine nonbinary characters" as examples.

....One was a robot and the other was a cis man, Asra from the Arcana. He's very pretty but this doesn't strengthen your argument, especially when Venture is arguably more masculine visually than Asra. They're a cute little dirty gremlin and I honestly am considering going back to playing. I miss the game but I'm so tired of all the negative shit in the fandom and that the devs get put through.

[doberbutts]

You mentioned in response to another ask that you don't use "transandrophobia" because the trans theory you were taught by trans women told you that "transmisogyny" covered those things and that is a total revelation to me. I've been thinking for a long time that it seemed to me that the idea of transmisogyny *does* cover transandrophobia, it just impacts trans femmes and trans mascs differently a lot of the time. But I had no idea that there has been theory/discussion that says this. I'm more used to the idea of "TMA" with the implication that only trans women are affected by transmisogyny. Is that more of a new thing and transmisogyny used to be considered as a more broad term? And would you trace that change to the same issue you're talking about with a lot of current feminism forgetting how feminism is also a "men's issue"?

Idk if I would call it "new" per say. The word trans-misogyny was coined in 2007 and did not include trans men, but the book in which it was coined did mention that language was likely needed to describe the trans man experience as well. There have been a number of different attempts, but none have really stuck.

I went to college starting in 2010, so roughly 3 years after Serrano coined the word. While in college, my school's GSA wanted LGBT elders to come and talk to all the scared freshly-minted adults who were trying to figure out this being gay thing. The woman who ran my GSA found a Trans woman who was willing to be my mentor and sponsor, she wrote my letters for me back when that was still necessary for medical transition, and we met frequently for her to teach me more or less how to be trans safely. Some things she did not know- how to bind safely, how to attach a semi-permenant packer, etc. But others she knew very well, because she herself dealt with both being seen as a man by society as well as the effects of testosterone on her body for decades before she transitioned.

Anyway. This woman was great, and is a significant portion of the reason I'm still alive to this day. And she is who taught me the word transmisogyny, and that it should really cover all trans people because all trans people experience an intersection of transphobia and misogyny. Whether that was popular theory at the time or not, that is what us young kids learned directly from the mouths of trans women at my college, which to me means that others were also learning this particular version of transfeminist theory.

Unfortunately by the time I dropped out of college in 2013/2014, online trans spaces were having stupid arguments such as "transtrenders are bad" and "neopronouns are bad" and "nonbinary people are cis people who want to feel special" and "trans men should be hunted for sport" and "trans women are incel nazis" and. Well. I went "wow this place is a cesspit and I feel like no one here has actually talked to another transgender person face to face" and then did not engage with the online community. So I don't really know how common or popular the understanding I was taught was at the time, though it certainly seems quite rare now.

(As a caveat I don't really think trans people of any gender have anything that isn't similar with each other when it comes to oppression, outside of certain bodily things that can't be helped because that's literally the thing we're transgender about, and I think we all experience very similar oppression but sometimes with a different hat)

As for what caused this particular defining to fall into obscurity? I really can't say. I don't know how popular the transfeminist theory the trans women who spoke at my GSA meetings taught us actually was in the broader world. Every once in a while I meet someone who lived through that same time who remembers that theory, which tells me it had gained at least some traction if it was being discussed in multiple parts of the country, but... that's really it. And it's pretty unpopular theory nowadays, I get people calling me a scumbag and claiming that I say transmisogyny doesn't exist just for mentioning that the theory I was taught includes trans men in the discussion.

But I don't think it's specifically the whole TMA/TME thing. I think it's a lack of understanding of what oppression and what intersectionality are, how they operate, how they work, how we define things through them. There are many people who believe that men do not experience misogyny. But, they do, that's why it's an insult to a boy to call him a girl during a moment of femininity or vulnerability, as a means of calling him weak because girls are believed to be weak. There are many people who think intersectionality turns oppression into additives, as though stacking marginalizations like dnd buffs. This also falls apart because oppression is not like quick math where you add a +5 to every roll if any part of your identity is privileged and a -7 if any part is oppressed.

I've had people get mad at me for saying that straight people experience homophobia while we also have sitting politicians that make jokes on live TV about how they'd drown their (presumably straight) children if they found out their kids were gay. For saying that GNC cis people experience transphobia when butches are getting kicked out of bathrooms and drag queens are getting jumped in bars. For reminding people that when Sikhs are killed due to being mistaken for Muslim in this country that hates Muslims over a national tragedy our Muslim population did not cause, it's still considered and called Islamophobia, because just because Americans are too stupid to tell a Sikh from a Muslim doesn't mean they weren't spurred into that hate crime by their rampant hatred of Muslims and the sight of a turban and long beard.

[dragonmarquise]

Do you have any trans hcs for any BRC characters?????

Yes I do!~ :D

This isn't gonna be too terribly long, but I'll put it under a Read More anyways. Also will be including nonbinary headcanons here, since being nonbinary is (usually?) considered a subset of being trans. At least that's my perspective as an agender person. :u

(I realized I was going to also include sexuality for some of these characters, but since you mentioned trans specifically, I'll just cover that here. I can do one for LGBT+ headcanons in general too, maybe as a separate ask/post, if you want!)

Solace is a trans man, which is something I think most of the fandom here on Tumblr agrees on, lol

Mesh is a nonbinary man! In his case he defines it as a combo of nonbinary + trans man, and he's fine with he or they pronouns.

Shine is a trans woman and I will not let anyone take that away from me :P

Twoson and Fourside of DOT EXE (so the two ball and four ball members) are agender and nonbinary, respectively! Already mentioned in my big DOT EXE post, but might as well mention it here too. Also to reiterate from that post, the two of them falling under the nonbinary umbrella was the case even before they went full-cyber. I say that since some people might assume that them going full-cyber caused the nonbinary-ness, but that is not the case.

Charles (summer palette for the Franks) is a trans man, Flesh Prince did his top surgery!

Lyra (autumn palette for Eclipse, the one with blue hair) is a trans woman. The rest of Eclipse know and still love and accept her, especially since they ain't fuckin' TERFs. I have actually seen some people insist Eclipse would "totally" be TERFs, and I'm just like, nah nah nah, get out of here with that absolute garbage idea. >:U

Lastly there's Nunchaku, my Devil Theory OC for the summer palette for that crew. She's a butch lesbian! I never did specify whether she's cis or trans, and even though I might say she's "probably cis", at the same time I don't think she'd want to answer either way.

In the sense of, if you asked her about it and you're a stranger to her:

If she were trans, she wouldn't feel comfortable saying that to a stranger, and so she'd decline to answer.

If she were cis, she'd think it isn't a stranger's business to know either way, so she wouldn't answer out of spite.

The only certainty is that, if a friend or girlfriend asked her about it, she would say, "Dude, my gender is basically just 'butch lesbian' in and of itself. Not just woman, specifically butch lesbian as a gender." And then leave it at that!

So I guess depending on how you think/feel about it, Nunchaku might or might not count as trans. Definitely LGBT+ though. :P

[missmastectomy]

So I need some advice, and since you've detransitioned I feel like you definitely have the experiences I'm looking to hear about most, if you're up for answering this, I would be most appreciative.

To start, I am a gay, gender nonconforming (masculine) woman who is over the age of 21 (I know your opinion on transitioning for minors, which I agree with 100%) and has identified as trans male in the past but never medically transitioned.

I identified as male for about five years as a teenager and I was "out" socially but living and constantly comparing myself to cis men made my already low self esteem plummet. Like a lot of trans teenagers I have a host of mental health issues at play and was very depressed. Had two hospital stays for suicide attempts.

Thankfully I've mostly recovered from the lowest points of my clinical depression and gender dysphoria, but I find myself constantly asking whether I would enjoy my life more as a male. Its just this nagging question in the back of my head, that being regarded socially as male would alleviate my discomfort in a world that is often hostile in regards to women, especially masculine ones.

I work in a department full of males where I am in the only female and sometimes its very alienating. Sometimes I think of transitioning as a way to better fit in. However I would hate for anyone to know I'm trans, because that's still "different". I want to be cis male and it pains me that I can never be that.

My girlfriend recently brought up the whole subject of transitioning to me, and she means well. I think she wants what's best for me and was there the entire time I came out and then subsequently desisted. She has seen me struggle and thinks the best option for me might be transitioning, she says she'll love me no matter what I decide though.

But I decided to come to you and ask because I feel like you'll be more honest with me about the actual medical side effects than other trans people might be reluctant to share. Is this sustainable? At all? I want to be able to live in comfort. What made you decide to transition? Also, why did you decide to detransition? I don't mean to interrogate you I just think hearing about someone else's lived experience would be very helpful to me right now. Did you pass well after you medically transitioned? That is one of the biggest things I care about. I guess I would want to "stealth" as much as possible. Be as close to the male experience as possible. Is this a case of thinking the grass is greener on the other side?

Again, many thanks if you decide to answer this I know its a long and personal ask

So the first thing I want to say is that I do not recommend transition for anyone, in a similar way that I don't recommend using alcohol to deal with social anxiety issues or depression. I'll get into why later, but also transition is a personal choice, and since you're an adult I believe you have the right to make that choice. I consider transition to be a maladaptive coping mechanism.

Thanks for reaching out - my blog is always a resource for people who want to learn more from the detrans perspective, and I actively encourage y'all to get in touch if you have questions.

So, I'll try to cover as much ground as possible. I want to address medical issues first. Taking T comes with a LOT of medical sacrifices and no, most endos will not be honest with you about that. Testosterone is an anabolic steroid and is highly controlled, especially for non-trans identified females. Taking a male dosage of T as a female means a very high likelihood of vaginal and uterine atrophy, and there is a high likelihood it will happen to you if you're on a high enough dosage for long enough. Atrophy is no joke. It can cause cracking and bleeding in the vaginal canal, can make it uncomortable/painful to walk, etc. There is more research coming out that HRT is linked with cancer development, and transmen are at a high likelihood of developing cardiac diseases. I know one detrans woman who developed cysts all over her ovaries post-T. It's why many transmen get hysterectomies - because T literally degrades your reproductive system. Our bodies require a certain amount of estrogen to function properly, and removing that will cause issues. Is it worth sacrificing your long-term health to cope with dysphoria? I personally think for most people the answer is no. People don't understand how important health really is until it is taken away.

Aesthetically, your hairline will probably take on a male-pattern. So many transmen and detrans women have balding issues after a few years because again, our bodies are not built for this level of male hormones.

I passed fully as male because I already have a strong face and I started hormones very young, but passing as male is not guaranteed if you take T. Especially because more people are recognizing the "tells" for transmen, there's still a likelihood you'll get clocked. I personally transitioned because I felt unsafe being female and wanted to escape that, also internalized homophobia. I detransitioned because top surgery made me comfortable in my body short-term, because the trigger for my self-hatred was removed. I deeply regret this now. It was a permanent "solution" to a temporary problem.

You mention that you want to transition to be seen as a man, that it would be more comfortable. I know you said you can't be seen as male unconditionally, but I really want to hammer home that if you pass as a man, you will live life as a transman, not a man. It is so common for masculine women to transition to escape the stigma of being a woman, but let me tell you firsthand that transition will just give you more problems to deal with. Health problems, anxiety - am I passing? Do they know I'm trans? The doubt - am I doing this for the right reasons? And I hear doubt in this ask. If you are not 110% sure you cannot function without transition, do not do it. Even then, I was completely sure and I still detransitioned.

And if you do decide to detransition, you may want to be seen as a woman unconditionally again, which is hard. I am at that point now, but I had to gruel through years before I got there. I wish I had saved myself the trouble and someone had gotten me the help I needed, instead of affirming me.

That you had a lot of mental health issues is a huge red flag. Personally, I read this ask and this comes across as a woman struggling with her identity and coming to grips with being masculine. I see a lot of the traits that caused my transition. I'd step away from trans spaces and look at accounts from butch women who recovered from dysphoria, finding beauty in being masculine. It helps a lot to retrain your brain. It doesn't matter what people's misconceptions of you are. How much respect do you have for your coworkers? Are they neutral parties, or are they men with their own prejudices against women, coloring the way that treat and perceive you? Are the judgements of strangers worth altering yourself so much? My answer, personally, is always no. Being true to your real self will always get you farther than trying to escape the problems. Deal with the feelings that brought you here, and your mental health will be so much better for it.

I do not find transition to be sustainable. It IS a grass is greener on the other side situation. Your GF is trying to be supportive, but she doesn't understand the reality of a medical transition. People will often affirm this desire because they mistakenly believe it will deal with the surface-level issues, but it will not. At the end of the day, you are still there. The problems will persist, but they will just take another form.

Anyway, I hope this was helpful! Feel free to ask or DM me if you have more questions. Again, from reading your ask I do not think transition would be a good choice. But that is my opinion as a stranger. At the end of the day, only you can decide.

[erytt]

Discussing Jo's Femininity

I was thinking about Jo as a character for the fanfic I'm writing and realised I made a whole account for said fanfic, so I may as well use it to discuss some character writing.

Jo had always been an interesting character particularly relating to her offhanded comment about 'no one needing to be reminded she is a girl.' I've seen people take that as her being trans in some way, and while that is absolutely valid, I personally want to discuss her in the context of being cis.

Jo is very clearly presenting as masculine, with 'men's prison sweats', short cropped hair, a very rough attitude, and her audition tape taking place in a room that is the very definition of 'manly' (blue walls, a literal picture of a buff man, weights, and very bare). Almost like she wants the producers to view her in a certain way.

We see multiple times (well, mostly in Runway Model) that she seems extremely avoidant of girly things, such as fashion and makeup. However, she volunteers for a 'makeover.' Even though she fights back against it, it's clear she has some interest in traditionally female things. This is further seen by her mentioning never kissing a guy. That is not something you say if it's something you don't think about.

Jo likely has an avoidance of girly things because of a negative connotation she has with women in general, whether that be more external or internal. I think a plausible backstory would be her mom abandoned her when she was around 6 or 7and she was raised by her father and brothers, so she was always desperate to prove herself to be anything but the woman who betrayed her. Being Strong gave her validation from her peers, being the fastest or the strongest, even among her male counterparts, made her feel in control of her situation. She liked being in power, and people in power were mostly men. The people who stood by her at her lowest were all men, and so she creates her own narrative around how men and women are.

When she enters high school (year 7 in Australia) suddenly she begins to be struck by hormones, and confusing feelings, and rather than addressing them, she tries to hide them, wearing men's clothes and cutting her hair short to keep her carefully crafted personality in check.

When she gets her first crush, perhaps she considers, for a moment, letting her desperate masculinity drop. She tries to make herself look pretty the way the girls in the bathroom do at lunch. She doesn't do well, of course, and when some girls come into the bathroom and see her vulnerable, they offer assistance. But Jo doesn't understand that. She doesn't see women as kind or nurturing, and she hates not being in power. So she retaliates. She punches a girl in the eye, and that seals her fate. After that, she never tries to interact with her femininity again. She gets pissy when people even bring it up.

However, deep down, she knows she still yearns to know what it feels like.

I can see Jo as either Straight or Bisexual in this scenario, as I also think her and anne maria could have a really interesting relationship (platonic or otherwise) since anne maria is essentially what she hates most about women. She's vain, look-obsessed and weak. But at the same time she can be nice, she can be friendly and she has passions and dreams like everyone else. And that confuses Jo. They have a really neat dynamic that should've been explored further.

Anyways thats the context of Jo’s character that I plan to use when I write her in the future, shes super interesting to me and probably one of the characters i relate most to.

[hiccupscloud-26]

OC time part 2! Reblogging allowed, reposting is not allowed, thank you!

Back at it again with these three OCs, aka the three OCs that I know the least about honestly.

First, we've got Clarissa, but Claire is her preferred name for reasons we'll get into later in the lore. They are a cis female who uses she/they pronouns, they just feel right to her. She doesn't really show up until later chapters/stories so I have time to develop their character, but they are super important!

Then we have Ralf! He's a cis male, uses he/him pronouns, and he's gender nonconforming. Dunno a lot about this guy, but I imagine him being able to see through lies? Or maybe he can brainwash humans? He has a third eye under his bangs. Also feel like he's self-conscious, like buddy thinks he's ugly and not worth anything someone will help him work through that though.

And finally we have Levie, definitely short for something, but I have no idea what yet. He's intersex and uses he/they pronouns, but I'm also considering they use she/her too, but I'm not 100% convinced akdnsiajs- but I feel like they're cursed, which his why his arms (and legs) are like that.

Sorry this time around there's less info, but these three are vital to the plot, just reaching spoiler potential. It'll all make sense when I start writing. I still haven't decided on whether I want everything to be established and then fill in the pieces of the puzzle or just start from the very beginning. Though I have started writing a little bit

But anywho, enough of me rambling away, skdnssk, feel free to ask anything/leave a comment if you'd like! And I'll see yall for the next batch of 3!

[damnation-if]

Hi! ok so i was thinking about fanart and stuff and it made me think a bunch of thangs: Seeing as this is a game where gender, pronouns, and genitals are chosen separately i wondered on whether any of the ROs, excluding nonbinary options, were trans. I've seen other games make a characetr trans regardless of gender choice (in Moonless, Silas is either a trans man or a trans woman) or have the same sex characteristics regardless of gender (like maybe being cis as a woman but trans as a man). I was curious so i thought i'd ask! Maybe it doesn't really matter much seeing as they're demons and their bits might be just too weird to really mean anything and gender is more for aesthetics? Also, how explicit will the sex scenes be? I have no problem with smut but i guess that just because the story is about sex doesn't necessarily mean that it'll be super explicit. Will the scenes for the nonbinary ro's be written neutrally without mentioning sex characteristics or do they have a set bodytypes? Thank you for your attention!(also i am curious about your angel game idea, would you tell us more about that some time? :0)

hi, thank you for your ask! there's a bunch of good questions in this one, so i'm going to answer them under a cut just because it might get long while i Discuss my answers :)

Seeing as this is a game where gender, pronouns, and genitals are chosen separately i wondered on whether any of the ROs, excluding nonbinary options, were trans.

the answer to this one is Yes And Also Sort Of Yes, albeit with some technicalities tacked on... to start with, Arianis falls into the category of having the same sex characteristics regardless of gender: f!Arianis is a trans woman, though m!Arianis is a cis man. some aspects of f!Arianis's transition have been magical in nature, while others have been more mundane, like taking hormones - this is to clarify that despite this being a setting with transformation magic, she didn't simply magically transform perfectly into her preferred body. some people might prefer that kind of transition, but it wasn't a priority in particular for f!Arianis.

next, you're right of course that though that when it comes to the demons that it does make the concept of cis/transness a bit weird to navigate, particularly for the older ones. Heluur and Twilit were both alive before physical forms were a thing at all, so it's kind of a metaphysical conundrum establishing what kind of agab that gives them lmfao. however, they did both personally have Some level of control over how their physical forms turned out once they were moving into physical space (and then later being forced to stay there), so if you want to consider their agab the ones that they took when they first settled on a physical form, then that's at least a place to start from.

but to be honest, i don't personally think that Twilit in particular would consider that to be their agab, since they still both had concepts of gender and identity back when they were noncorporeal. i guess it's up to you as a reader whether you agree or not and how you'd feel about it if it was your own situation, but i feel it's important to at least explain where each character sits on the spectrum of that decision haha

Heluur would consider himself cis despite the. wibbly-wobblyness of Choosing a physical form, but Twilit, in each of the selectable gender options, would be more inclined to choose trans. not just because as far as they're concerned their agab is "chaos" but also because they regularly change their physical form (including their sex) using magic and reinvent themself when they feel like it. however, i've never quite made a big announcement talking about this mostly because i'm aware that some trans people understandably feel uncomfortable with the casting of characters who are shapeshifters and etc. as good trans representation when it's essentially bypassing a lot of the struggles that real trans people face (though i'm also of course aware that there are other trans people who are fine with it and even like it a lot, as no marginalised group is some kind of monolith lmao).

basically i've been choosing to treat it as a fact about Twilit as a character, without necessarily assigning a label applicable to regular irl humans to them, since the regular irl humans to whom the label applies may have different and conflicting opinions about whether it also applies to Twilit. whether people consider them to be trans or not, the facts about their actions and thoughts aren't going to change. they would personally lean towards calling themself trans whatever gender is selected for them, but more because they absolutely wouldn't consider themself cis than because of personally believing that their experiences with sex and gender are congruent with those of trans humans.

hopefully that's a helpful answer lmfao... sorry it's a bit long but i do feel like it's a topic worth giving the respect of a thorough explanation. the other binary-gendered ROs all consider themselves cis.

Also, how explicit will the sex scenes be? I have no problem with smut but i guess that just because the story is about sex doesn't necessarily mean that it'll be super explicit.

the sex scenes will be explicit lmfao. i understand if some readers are uncomfortable with/don't want that, which is why i've always tried to put "put yourself first! don't play something you're uncomfortable with!!!" all over my posts and so on, but that is how it is. i have no problem with people choosing not to read - in fact i'd rather they do that than force themselves - so i do try to be as upfront as possible with this sort of information.

Will the scenes for the nonbinary ro's be written neutrally without mentioning sex characteristics or do they have a set bodytypes?

this may be somewhat contentious (as again, no marginalised groups are a monolith), but to me personally, as a nonbinary person, i often feel uncomfortable with explicit sex scenes that make a point to gloss over sex characteristics for nonbinary characters... it makes me feel. de-sexed, for lack of a better term. purposefully excluded to a certain extent. like, despite being nonbinary, i do Have genitalia, as do basically all other people, nonbinary or not. however, i do understand the reasons for people feeling the opposite, and i don't think they're invalid or that people Shouldn't feel that way.

again, i understand if people choose not to read the game based on how they feel about this decision, but due to my own personal perspective as a nonbinary person, i will be writing the nonbinary versions of Arianis, Malkorath and Twilit with set sex characteristics... n!Arianis has male sex characteristics (as you can probably guess from the earlier explanation regarding them), and n!Malkorath has female sex characteristics. in Twilit's case, it's going to be decided using a random selection variable lmfao.

i wouldn't ordinarily make such a blatant Announcement of these kinds of facts (in general i'd probably prefer to let it just come up in the game) but due to the nature of this game, it's going to come up sooner rather than later anyway lmao.

also i am curious about your angel game idea, would you tell us more about that some time? :0

i've already talked A Lot in this post, but to give a brief kind of outline, it's a game that is very much about being an older sibling on a number of levels.

a god whose favourite child is humanity and who expects the elder sibling of angels to shoulder a bunch of the responsibility for caring for and protecting humanity essentially casts a bunch of angels out of heaven to come down to earth and kill an evil god who is trying to destroy all humans, and the group of angels that the mc is a part of has to deal with the trauma and travails of trying to get through the horrors of the war on top of dealing with how they're treated by their god. mc also has a younger sibling angel with them that they're trying to protect; i had the idea to use choices to subtly relate the way that the mc feels about humanity and the younger sibling to reflect each other lmao.

it's in a fantasy medieval-adjacent setting where the evil god has brought about eternal winter and roughly half of the ROs are humans that the angels end up having to work with (though the other half are from among the mc's angel comrades). it lives rent free in my head still i'm afraid XD i hope this is okay as a short brief on it!

[atinyladybug-daydreams]

for the if they had a kid ask thingy , glass and kondraki

Ooooh one of my never thought of Rarepair!!!

Name: I'm not sure exactly what first name they would have but I think they would have a very gender neutral first name like Riley or Ash but I can also see them having a name from a classic literature or a good novel courtesy of Kondraki.

As for last names, I feel like they would take Glass as the last name, and Kondraki as a middle name. Kondraki insisted because he already has Draven and wanted Simon to have a turn this time? If that makes sense?

Gender: A girl! Can be cis or transfem but they're definitely not very feminine.

General Appearance: Very tomboy-ish and masculine clothing. I think overalls are pretty fitting. And also light up sneakers.

In terms of physical appearance, their hair are definitely curly. Like. VERY VERY curly. I also think that they look like a messy-tidy kinda person. Like, their clothes are ironed and well-coordinated and very very fitting and looks nice but there's also this kind of mess to it because they're very out and about so it's not 100% aligned.

They're also like. Pretty built. Not like big beefy but like. Definitely someone that looks like they work out and can fight.

Great posture, chipped tooth, kind eyes and hearty grin.

Personality:

I feel like they're going to be very loud and expressive. Also very, very chaotic as the Kondraki family are but in a more like, subtle way due to Glass' influence. I also think they're extremely extroverted and social which is surprising considering both Simon and Kondraki are more on the introverted spectrums.

They have a good heart and are VERY, very sympathetic towards people. Really tries their best to help people. A very headstrong and determined person which can be her downfall because it gets to the point she stops listening to other people thinking she knows best.

Special Talents:

Oh man. This kid is wayyy too talented with a blade. Whether it be a knife, dagger, switchblade, sword or even a butter knife, this kid understands and can use it really well. I mean, look at her parents.

Also has incredible cooking abilities. Kondraki is a great cook and Simon's a great baker so she ends up knowing a lot about cooking and baking, is very familiar with a lot of flavours, textures and spices. Also knows a wide variety of dishes. Honestly, she's a really good person to turn to for food feedback.

Who they like better:

Kondraki! He's the cool dad who taught her fencing and yes even though Simon does teaches her how to use knives, they still think swords are cooler so Kondraki it is!

Who they take after more:

On a surface level personality wise, you think they'd take after Glass more because of how they appear level-headed and kind but man, this kid is pure CHAOS in the Kondraki way.

Personally I think they take after Kondraki more because Kondraki is very very very present in their life (he very regrets him being emotionally unavailable to Draven so he tries his goddamned hardest with this one)

She reacts a lot like Glass, but thinks and feels a lot like Kondraki.

Personal Head canon:

I think when she grows up, she does become an agent much to Glass and Kondraki's absolute horror. Glass is horrified because he was an agent once and man was it rough being on so like he has absolutely no idea why she wants to be an agent and Kondraki is horrified because like, "Draven already gives me a heart attack every month from the shit he deals with and now you're going to add to that too".

Star and planet girly. Would've become an astrophysicist but can't stand the idea of sitting and researching inside all day. They prefer getting hands on and yes astronaut is an option but the idea of kinda sorta being that far from home makes them sad. They like visiting their parents frequently whenever they have time (and get free food while at it).

Face Claim:

Honestly the closest thing I can associate her with is Cassie from FNAF SB Ruin

[karl-raccoon-in-a-teacup]

kunikida, oda, mushitaro, and a fella of ur choosing :3

Kunikida!

Sexuality Headcanon: Bi, I'm not sure he knows about the being attracted to men part yet.

Gender Headcanon: Honestly your transmasc headcanon for him is slowly seeping into my own headcanons, so...

A ship I have with said character: I like most Kunikida ships I've seen, but soft spot for the specific flavor of Kunichuu that's popped up in my Agency Chuuya AU. By accident. Did you know they can be so domestic. And they have a dog.

A BROTP I have with said character: Kunikida and Katai's dynamic does indeed warm my heart, and thank god it's canon. But Kunikida and Atsushi are also so iconic...

A NOTP I have with said character: Nothing comes to mind? As I've said I like most Kunikida ships I've seen.

A random headcanon: I think delinquent Kunikida is a fairly popular headcanon, but I do adore it, whether full-on delinquent or just him being a lot more crass/rude in high school. I also think the scheduling is something he did not have when he first met Katai, developing that over the years and being in full force by the time he joined the Agency.

General Opinion over said character: A very solid character all around, and one of the ones I think is the most difficult to morally corrupt. I want to see more of him coming into his role as the Agency's future leader, and just... more of him, honestly.

Oda!

Sexuality Headcanon: He's never thought about it. Very possibly pan though.

Gender Headcanon: He's a guy and he's pretty chill with that, not all that complicated.

A ship I have with said character: Odango... the inherent tragedy of it compels me so...

A BROTP I have with said character: Buraiha Trio, and all the friendships he has in it, and I will never stop thinking about them until the day I do.

A NOTP I have with said character: Od.azai, onesided or otherwise, isn't my cup of tea.

A random headcanon: Unlike what the old accountant claimed, Oda would have been much happier in the information department than out on his usual missions. Maybe in other timelines, he would transfer to there, and live a much more peaceful life- even if he still wouldn't become a writer.

General Opinion over said character: Excellent narrator of the Dark Era and a very well-executed character.

Mushitaro!

Sexuality Headcanon: Gay.

Gender Headcanon: Pretty sure he's just a cis guy but check in later

A ship I have with said character: Mushiango would you like to hear about Mushiango-

A BROTP I have with said character: Off the topic of my head his dynamic with Kyouka is really funny. They should continue to have that goofy ass interactions in the future.

A NOTP I have with said character: Nothing I've seen has been a particular yuck.

A random headcanon: Thanks to this fic by @feralshadowdemon my beloved sibling, his highschool fantasy was to have his first kiss under a sakura tree with the petals falling down.

General Opinion over said character: My little meow meow of a man I love him so much.

Fella of my choosing: YOSANO! Because I miss her and want to talk about her!

Sexuality Headcanon: Aro-ace Yosano is a concept that compels me more and more as time goes on.

Gender Headcanon: She's a very big fan of being a woman.

A ship I have with said character: None, really?

A BROTP I have with said character: Ranpo and her are so... they have such a long history...

A NOTP I have with said character: I'm not a huge fan of Ko.usano, but considering the amount of female characters I understand why it's a thing, so you guys stand strong and have fun out there.

A random headcanon: One of the first things Ranpo and her bonded over all those years ago was their mutual love of sweets. Even now they both like nothing more than to have a good chat over sweets- and neither feel the need censor the gritty details of their cases or operations just because they're enjoying a nice treat.

General Opinion over said character: I love her so much and her character is so compelling and hey, have you ever thought about the parallels between her and Kyouka? Have you? Please?

[chocolatepot]

The thing is someone can be asexual and autistic and still be misogynistic. These things aren't mutually exclusive. The idea that being in the presence of a woman implies that you're going to or want to have sex with her is misogynistic whether the person is autistic or ace or both or neither.

Yeah, I'm aware? I feel like you're interpreting me in bad faith (which is of course why you're anon, lbr). But I've been thinking about how to better express my point there anyway, so I'll bite.

So the thing is, what screams autistic/ace about that post isn't that it's misogynistic. Obviously. It's that the almost-certainly-a-cis-dude that wrote it has created a chain of logic that "works" and is sticking to the rule it creates 100% even though it's ridiculous, which is autistic behavior, which I'm allowed to say because I do the same thing. The writer presumes that all people (or at least all the people he knows) are straight, and that therefore other men have no possibility of being into him and will simply get in the way of his woodsy fun by being ableist about what he considers fun; women, on the other hand, may also be ableist but additionally have a non-zero chance of being attracted to him and reading his willingness to be in the woods with them as romantic interest, and there is a non-zero chance that they will act on that, so it is safer to simply avoid women in this situation in order to avoid the distraction and awkwardness.

The humor you're seeing so many people express about this post comes from the fact that we are all aware that this is silly. Avoiding being alone with women in the woods entirely because they might want to kiss is an overreaction, but we probably all have at least one thing that we overreact to as a Rule because of a similar train of logic, or we used to but realized it was ridiculous and course-corrected. Here's another viral post along those lines. Here's another.

Less humorously, I'd point to this post and its screencapped tags, which explain how autistic people are traumatized into avoiding social situations because we know that we may accidentally hit the invisible line where allistics feel we've done something unforgivable and refuse to accept any explanation. It's unspoken in the post we're talking about, but it's really always lurking in any situation that involves an autistic person dealing with allistics.

I can see how this could feel like the same kind of thing as Mike Pence refusing to be alone with women without Mother there to non-autistic/ace people, I think, but the distinction is that he isn't expressing any judgement of them or fear of their sexuality. I'm not sure if you've forgotten the post or are deliberately rewriting it here, but he's not worried that "being in the presence of a woman implies that [he's] going to or want to have sex with her," he finds the idea of someone wanting to get romantic with him uninteresting (asexual) and a distraction from staring at bugs (autistic), so he's trying to avoid it.

And this isn't to downplay the sexist aspect, because there clearly is one! This is a probably-cis-probably-guy on 4chan, and there's a strong element of "women are another species" and also of the idea that other men might be buddies but women are largely potential romantic interests. But to me, that is such a background-radiation-in-society-type sexism that ... I mean, it's everywhere, does one get upset at every joke about a woman saying she's fine when she's not, or every movie and tv show where young men talk about wanting to meet women for sex rather than to know them as people? (It's also very heterocentric, as I mentioned before, because the writer clearly assumes no men would be interested in him and that all women are straight and have potential for being interested in him, which I actually found more jarring.) The relatable autistic-and-ace-but-doesn't-know-it-yet vibes of the post balance it out very easily to me. The balance is going to be different for different people.

[chaosintheavenue]

OC Interview! I was tagged by @orionlancasterr (thank you!), and it seems like a lot of people have already been tagged, so I'll just tag anyone who sees this and wants a go.

As usual, I'm going to fill this out for Trin, because my brain is still firmly stuck on her...

Trin

Name: Trinity Elloise Gant

Nickname: Trin (uses in 99% of situations), Trini (only to specific people)

Gender: Cis woman, but she definitely hasn't thought deeply into it, and I have a sneaking feeling things might change if she did

Star Sign: Cancer

Height: 5’6-ish

Orientation: Aromantic asexual and absolutely not interested in anything relationship-wise

Ethnicity: White (judging by appearance, at least), but she doesn't know anything more specific than that. She has no idea who two out of her four grandparents were, so a lot of her family background is a mystery

Nationality: I frankly don't know enough BoS lore to answer that question lol. She's been registered as a member of the BoS no less than three separate times, but I'm not sure whether she'd also technically be an NCR citizen from living with the California chapter? Also considered a member of the Ciphers, but there's no paperwork to show for it, so that probably wouldn't be counted as 'official' dual citizenship or anything. The one thing I do solidly know is that she does not consider herself- or anyone else born post-war- to be USAmerican

Fave Fruit: Cranberries!

Fave Season: Fall/autumn

Fave Flower: Any nuked flora- she loves the vibrant colours, even though they don't last long and gathering them isn't exactly a tranquil flower picking expedition

Fave Scent: Wood smoke, or the general scent of air at night

Coffee, Tea, or HC: Either coffee or herbal teas with flowers

Average Hours of Sleep: Varies wildly depending on current levels of Scorchiness

Dog or Cat Person: Cat (Juliet her beloved), but she's not averse to dogs and sometimes envisions herself owning one in the future

Dream Trip: I'm pretty sure this was the journey to West Virginia for her, which she's already done. She seems pretty intent on staying put there now for the forseeable future

Favorite Fictional Character: She's never had much interest in fiction, but recently Sofia has exposed her to a range of comic book heroes that she finds at least fleetingly interesting

Number of Blankets They Sleep With: Just her patch blanket

Random Fact: When she set out to buy herself a companion animal just before she first travelled to West Virginia, she was 100% intending to get a big dog for physical protection (and potentially name it Dogmeat, as is tradition), but quickly let herself get talked into buying a little kitten instead

[dionysianchub]

i'm sorry if i make you uncomfortable but i get confused with trans sometimes. so if you're he/him does that mean you started as a female or non binary?

i don't mean to offend i'm just curious and need a bit of help to understand, i also don't want to address you wrong, you don't have to answer

I never mind someone trying to understand, I appreciate it!

For me, I started out with she/her pronouns because I was assigned female at birth (or AFAB) due to the sex organs I was born with, even though I knew it didn't feel right as early as 4 years old. This is not always a clear indicator, as some people consider themselves trans or non binary and still use the pronouns they were assigned, or a combination like he/them or she/them; it's entirely up to the person, preference, and environment they're in. I'm also kind of a wild card in that I believe in radical visibility of my trans-ness, for a variety of reasons such as facilitating this very conversation! But there are plenty of others that may not be as open or comfortable discussing their transition and past pronouns. I understand that from an outside perspective this can be confusing to navigate, especially if you are a family member of someone going through a transition like this, so in general the best practice is to assume nothing and normalize the idea of "preferred pronouns". Not just for trans folks but for cis people too! A lot of businesses, companies, and law firms are doing their part by encouraging their employees to share their pronouns on their name tags or in the signature blocks, whether you're trans, cis, or anything in between. I think it's a wonderful step in standardizing the visibility of these kinds of topics.

[gay-otlc]

15!

Label journey: More detailed edition

Orientation

I'm a straight girl definitely 100%. Sure I stare at boobs but that doesn't mean anything.

Okay maybe it means something that I stare at boobs

Questioning. For a lot of months

Okay I still don't know what I am but I'm definitely LGBTQ

I'm at the pool and I'm checking out all the women and not at all interested in men. Definitely a lesbian.

Briefly consider whether I'm attracted to nonbinary people, think I'm maybe polysexual for a little bit before going back to lesbian.

Lesbian and also polyamorous because I want to kiss multiple women (women are hot)

I realize that I'm extremely uncomfortable at the thought of having sex with anyone and start identifying as an ace lesbian (spoiler alert: it's the bottom dysphoria)

I have a couple of very nsfw fantasies and realize I'm not as asexual as I thought. Grey-ace? Aceflux?

Nope okay I'm an allo lesbian.

I briefly consider that I'm on the aromantic spectrum, but then I just forget about it somehow.

A year later, I have aro crisis part two electric boogaloo.

I figure out I am definitely on the aro spectrum.

I figure out I am entirely, 100% aro.

Okay shit I always thought I was a lesbian but now the label makes me kind of dysphoric and I kind of get euphoria from being a straight guy??

Straight lesbian!

Nah, lesbian is still very dysphoria inducing.

I am once again straight, this time in the opposite direction. Also aro.

Gender

I'm a cis girl definitely 100%. Sure I want a dick but that doesn't mean anything.

My friend comes out as nonbinary and I realize "holy shit, I can do that."

I am questioning for about six months while trying very hard to not be questioning. I'm definitely totally a cis girl I swear.

Okay, maybe I'm not a cis girl. I don't want to be entirely not-a-girl though? I'm just uncomfortable with that being my entire gender. (I do not, at the time, know that being multigender is a thing).

Girlflux- my dysphoria and level of comfort with being a girl fluctuates.

I start experimenting with neopronouns in addition to she/her.

Girlflux doesn't entirely fit anymore- I always sometimes feel masc. Genderfluid, then.

Hmm. I'm not sure if my gender changes. I never really know what it is.

I like genderqueer. It's vague.

I want to use he/him pronouns but I don't let myself admit that. I stop using she/her pronouns.

I realize I get a lot of euphoria from thinking of myself as both a man and a woman, and dysphoria from thinking of myself as only one gender. I start experimenting with the multigender label and I like it a lot.

I use all pronouns at school, but people only ever call me she/her. Very occasionally they/them. I don't like being called they/them very much. I wish I got called he/him more often (at all).

I change my pronouns to he/she.

Am I bigender or am I a binary trans man?????

I'm a bigender trans man.

I'm bigender, and one of the genders is binary male, and one of the genders is... woman but not exactly. I'm not entirely sure what to label it, but genderqueer and butch both work.

[beesinspades]

the fact bigolas dickolas is mxtxandchill is still so wild to me. like she was out there being a racist and a tone deaf asshole and now she's back with 50k followers and the whole trigun fandom is kissing her feet and no one cares and it makes me feel so 😬

like this is the person who said "children of color don't understand critical race theory, their understanding of it begins and ends with fandom discourse. they bully white people and they'll turn on their own next" which is. I don't even have words.

the person who said "uwu call me out when i say something harmful so that i can do better" but then when a trans person very politely told her "hey this tweet you made about all men being 'inherently ugly and trying to compensate for that 24/7' could be hurtful to marginalized cis men but if you don't care about them maybe consider trans men?" with "I'm not your therapist go work on your internal biases and talk to someone else about your issues" which is cruel regardless of whether you think the person was overreacting or not

the person who spoke over sea voices calling out an official artist for colorism and sexualizing nazism only to go in the same breath like "I'll still support them though because I enjoy their art <3" are you supporting calling them out on colorism and sexualizing fucking nazism or not??? regardless of anyone's stance on that discourse the hypocrisy is yikes. just say you wanted to make yourself look good and go

nowhere near as bad but as an ace person it was very irritating: the person who would joke more than once about not knowing what a character's sexuality was and that character being [other character]-sexual and when people said "hey that's demisexual!" she would ignore those specific comments and continue acting like "wow i wonder what sexuality this is lololol"

and afaik that wasn't even all (i didn't follow her and had her muted) like???

yeah the thread revealing they're the same person was weird and fucked up and the person mentioned things that were really not actual issues and i do NOT condone how they went about it, but at the end of the day here we are. bigolas is mxtxandchill who is a racist who never sincerely apologized or did anything about some of her supporters being horribly racist or showed any kind of growth. they just got suspended and remade and now they're more fandom-famous than they've ever been. fantastic

[undisputed-queer-a]

Lesbian Heel Shenanigans

As we continue our look at queer moments of representation in in 'our great sport' and as I continue to doubt that phrase I am brought to Survivor Series 2014. Obviously at this event Sting showed up in WWE for the first time, a shocking development that no one expected because of Sting’s long standing attitudes towards the company. Especially considering he had worked for both of WWE's biggest competitors (before AEW that is) WCW and TNA. Sting even turned down working for the Dub in the 2000s...but I hear you "What does Sting debuting in WWE have to do with the title?" really to be honest nothing I just didn't much want to talk about Nikki Bella Vs AJ Lee at the same Survivor Series. Was that funny? Probably not. Maybe it confused you because it didn't match the title idk. And I know I pick what I write about but like it's really bad. So to set the scene in August 2014 Nikki Bella turned on her sister saying and I quote "I wish you died in the womb." find the clip it's gloriously bad, and even though I feel bad making fun of her line delivery but it's...it's really something. So in the following moths they feud as you might expect. having a six minute match at Hell In a Cell in October and a two minute match on RAW in November. This feud I believe won the WON Worst Feud of the year for 2014 and universally panned by fans. I also think that one of their matches had the stipulation the classic personal assistant stipulation which made Brie Nikki's like servant for a bit. I'm one hundred percent sure this happened but I trust myself enough to mention it.

Okay so Survivor Series, Nikki beats AJ Lee starting her historic 301 day Diva's title reign (I wanna do a whole post on that belt. It's not got much to do with LGBTQ+ stuff but eh who cares.) but you wanna know how she won this match? Brie kissed AJ which distracted her, Nikki hits the 'Rack Attack' (not a great name IMO) and wins within 33 seconds. F*cking b*llshit (still not dure if the censoring is a good idea/whether I should do it or not.). Now I don't know why this happened. Like any of it but why did they book them to kiss? Why is Brie basically committing sexual assault kissing someone wo doesn't want to be kissed? And why are Nikki and Brie cool with each other again with no explanation? Nikki said she wished Brie died in the womb and then made her life hell why are they allies again? AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

It's genuinely maddening why was a couple of months of story telling (admittedly not good storytelling) undermined by strange Lesbian Heel Shenanigans. It's stupid and weird and it also kind of alludes to the predatory lesbian stereotype. It's all around awful and I honestly have spoken on this topic for too long.

Anyway this has been a....I don't actually know

This has been Undisputed Queer-a.

Slay The System, Shock The Cis-tem, and see you next Monday.

[solarpunk-lady-of-the-woods]

Wow okay, I've started thinking about the forever alone period of my life a lot again these past few days, after accidentally scrolling down too low in my photos and realising that all the silly faces I was making in every single photo, because back then I wouldn't take normal photos of myself, looked like they were so bad at hiding the dread in my soul. Even though back then I was super aware of mental health and everything, except the fact that I was probably depressed. And I recently thought of posting about it, but got carried away wondering whether that requires a tw...

So maybe for now I'll just say (because idk what's the chance somebody will ever read this, but this just feels like the place), I was always the extremely weird kid, I got kicked out of kindergarten in like half a year for acting like... Yk that scene in Lilo and Stitch where some girl says 'you're crazy' and gets beat up? Yeah, but I, unluckily, was weirdly talented at fighting. Also saw no difference between kids and teachers... Yeah like I bit the principal in 3rd grade, not even half a year in that school... But from what I remember, he did grab me really not nicely and I was just trying to escape. Also 7 years old, cuz I started school early and skipped 2nd grade due to being 'gifted'. Then stayed in 5th a second year because I thought I couldn't make friends because everybody was so much older. Regrettable. I still didn't speak to any classmates. Well, after I did make one (probably neurodivergent) friend, who betrayed me. Twice, because maybe I forgive too easily.

Then got a phone, but only ever used YouTube and flash games, until almost 3 years ago, when I really liked a series on YouTube and the creator started a discord server for fans to discuss lore. Well, I joined years after the creation, and spent quite long observing how people there interact, yk how AIs learn by pure pattern recognition? So I learned to act like a chaotic gay gremlin there, before first interacting. But I was also being so myself, so true to myself!!!!!! Which was, as I realize now, exaggerating my personality traits to make myself as funny and 'polarising' as possible, essentially turning me into a caricature of myself. But the rest of the issues I was fully aware of. I lived years knowing I really just needed a hug from somebody who understands, but all my 'friends' were online. That is something that was, in fact, 100% true, the sad child in the photos obviously needs a hug... I also spent that whole time wishing there was a perfect copy of me I could be friends with (while kinda being friends and constantly chatting with one. who sane ppl couldn't see as she was imaginary. I mean, they're still a great friend lmao. no longer cis vibes, too...), as while I finally was surrounded by neurodivergent queer people, I still often felt alone even in that crowd, but I still considered my life as still always getting better with age, as before that, I had had nobody (except this one entitled boy who murdered baby birds to make older boys think he's cool, convinced me to steal from stores and probably only hung out with me so he can say he has a gf. I'm still friends with him btw.)

Oof, okay, fuck, this was supposed to be a short summary, uhh... Yeah so basically, (and I fear saying this even here rn), I had made one of my main *quirky*!!!! personality traits that I was obsessed with (mostly fictional) redemption arcs (no, not why I'm friends with the other guy, stfu), and so one day... Idrk if it's a good idea to give specifics that could lead somebody to someday find that discord server, so let's just say... Somebody said 'this one fictional redemption arc is mid', and I being in character me, said it's not. And, uhh... Well... Then... (I'm scared, guys.) They said I'd probably say anybody can be redeemed. And I was like. Yeah that's half my personality, have you not noticed me, for years mind you, saying stuff like 'whaaaat no I'm not obsessed with redemption arcs, why'd you accuse me??' (while nobody was at all accusing me of that because they couldn't even bother to remember my nr1 personally trait smh)... And uhh... I think I turned my phone off for a bit cuz my sister (who hates me normally) saw me sitting on the floor and crying and gave me canned corn... Fuck getting carried away again. Reminder I was a child again and uhh... Wait this site has no forbidden words, right? Well, they kinda said that that means I'd want to be friends with Hitler, and also then somebody found an old screenshot that... Fuck I'm still scared to say specifics, I don't what them to find me, I quite love the peace on this site and don't like drama.

So, long story short, I got cancelled, like 7 friends stuck by my, one blocked me one day out of nowhere, but others said their mom was just overprotective and it's not their fault. Then all but one remaining friends were in one mini server and when one mentioned something about a person I knew was bad news, and I kinda inquired whether they know that? And got dishonourably banned for being insensitive. Which might've been fair, I've heard it's not polite to walk up to somebody and say 'your friend is a dick'. (Reminder that I'm not endorsing any of the shit this very unwell child is doing in the story I swear I'm not herrrr guys.) So yeah. And so the last friend disappeared over a month after the cancelling.

I learned that instead of watching YouTube at my laptop, I could use my phone instead and that way I could tidy while listening. I spent months tidying my room. Cut my hair short, as it had been a greasy mess. No, not what you're imagining right now, worse. No, much worse than that. I had been trying to embody a character. Just like with everything else. But no more. Started showering again instead of 100 layers of salt deodorant. I started meditating (helped for like 4 months, but now I don't do that again, maybe should lmao, off topic though). Walking to the forest and appreciating nature, like I kinda used to when I was a little child, with my dad. Reordered the furniture in my room. Got back into painting. A lot of little things. They do add up.

And then, before the end of the school year, I said hi to a quiet girl in my class, whom I used to talk to a little bit 4 years ago, but stopped. Well, apparently, he's a boy now. But... Yeah. I got introduced to the whole neurodivergent queer squad in my school, and idk if it's just me or a coincidence, but every last one of them seems so much more genuine and kind than the ppl I used to know online.

It's been years. I think I've healed, and then... Though maybe I have. Yesterday, I decided to revisit one of the maladaptive daydreams I used to escape to most of the time I was at school, or even at home for that matter, to distract myself from thoughts. I at first planned to just go through the standard scenario of making fictional friends, but then, I just stood there, and saw the character I had made so many years ago trying to make friends with the currently evil character. Allowing herself to be hurt. Desperate. Smiling. So fucking SHE NEEDS THERAPY GET HER SOME THERAPY AND A HUG LIKE OH MY GOD THIS CHILD SHOULD NOT GO THROUGH THE STUFF IRL THAT SHE PREFERS THIS TO WHAT THE FUCK, NONE OF THIS THAT HAPPENED IS OKAY TO PUT A FUCKING CHILD THROUGH.

So yeah I think I healed my inner child yesterday. How was your Saturday?

It’s weird how everyone hating you when you’re nine years old still affects your self esteem when you’re 26 like yeah nobody came to my birthday party but that was like 17 years ago why is it stopping me from going to a gay bar