#I have been thinking about this for the past five hours
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secret - cs55
summary: carlos has been keeping his relationship secret for 6 months. the world has no idea that he's dating an a list actress
wc: 5.4k words + social media posts. face claim: emilia clarke
folkie radio: guys... why does it feel illegal to post a carlos fic that's not little bitch?? anyway i hope you like this LEAVE FEEDBACK !
MASTERLIST | MY PATREON
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yourinstagram Spain, you have my heart β€οΈ
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username1 QUEEN
username2 sheβs glowiiiing
arianagrande mother π€
username3 imagine being the highest paid actress in hollywood looking like that i wouldnβt take shit from anybody
florencepugh youβre the actual loml
β³ yourinstagram Love you baby flo
username4 single yn is glowing
username5 spain also has my heart but iβve never been there iβm just obsessed with carlos sainz
username6 carlos sainz in the likes wbk heβs a fan since the first season of game of thrones
anasainzvdec ππ
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carlossainz55 Short break before heading to Silverstone π¬π§
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username1 HOTTEST MAN ALIVE
username2 carlos donβt do this to my ovaries
scuderiaferrari πΆοΈπΆοΈ
username3 if he is single who is taking all this boyfriend content
username4 THATS A HUSBAND
blancasainzv πππ
username5 CARLOS LET ME JUMP ON YOUR BONES
username6 itβs a crime that this man is single looking like this (not really)
landonorris A family man
β³ georgerussell63 πππ
β³ username1 carlando forever
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You stand in front of the mirror, applying the last touches of makeup as sunlight streams through the bedroom window. The reflection shows Carlos lounging on the bed behind you, his dark eyes following your every move. You can't help but smile, feeling the warmth of his gaze.
As you prepare to leave, your mind wanders to the whirlwind romance of the past six months. It all started with a tweet- Carlos expressing his admiration for your character in Game of Thrones. You hadn't known much about Formula 1 then, but his charm and genuine enthusiasm caught your attention.
Fate brought you together at a high-profile fashion event months later. You remember how your heart raced when he approached you, confidently asking for your number. Within days, he'd asked you out on a proper date.
Now, six months later, you're living in a blissful bubble of secrecy. Neither his fellow drivers nor your co-stars have any idea about your relationship. It's a mutual decision - you're both in the spotlight, and this connection feels too important to expose to the world's scrutiny just yet.
You've just returned from a short trip to Spain, where Carlos introduced you to his family. The warmth of their welcome still lingers, making you feel even more connected to him. His parents had embraced you immediately, and you'd spent hours laughing and sharing stories with his sisters. The trip reinforced the feeling that you truly belonged in Carlos' life.
"Do you really have to leave?" Carlos asks, his Spanish accent more pronounced in his sleepy state.
"You know I do, darling. This film isn't going to shoot itself," you turn to face him, taking in his tousled hair and bare chest.
Carlos props himself up on his elbows, a playful smirk on his lips. "But I can think of so many better ways to spend the day."
You walk over to the bed, leaning down to place a soft kiss on his lips. "Tempting, but I've got to go. We can't all race cars for a living, you know."
His hand catches yours as you start to pull away. "Just five more minutes?" he pleads, pulling you closer.
You allow yourself to be drawn in, sitting on the edge of the bed. "You're impossible," you say, but there's no real frustration in your voice.
"Impossible to resist, you mean," Carlos wraps an arm around your waist, nuzzling into your neck.
"That too," you laugh, running your fingers through his hair. "But seriously, I need to leave soon."
He sighs dramatically, flopping back onto the pillows. "Fine, fine. Go be a famous actress. Leave me here all alone."
"Drama queen," you roll your eyes, standing up. "You've got meetings later anyway."
As you gather your things, Carlos watches you with a mix of admiration and affection.
"You know," he says softly, "sometimes I still can't believe this is real. Us, I mean."
"It's real," you assure him, with a small smile, "And it's ours."
"I guess my obsession with Daenerys Targaryen paid off," Carlos grins, sitting up, "Though I have to say, the real you is even better than any character."
"Smooth talker. No wonder I fell for you so quickly," you roll your eyes playfully as you walk over to the bed, cupping his face in your hands. "As tempting as that is, love, we both have responsibilities. But tonight, it's just us."
He leans into your touch, then pulls you down for a deep kiss. When you part, both slightly breathless, he whispers, "I can't wait."
With a final blown kiss, you slip out of the room, your heart full and a smile on your lips. Another day of keeping your relationship under wraps begins, but you wouldn't have it any other way. Your mind is already counting down the hours until you can be in his arms again, safe in your private world built for two.
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ynupdates YN arriving for filming today in London!
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username1 MY BUBBB
username2 why so serious
username3 she has a movie premiering in two months and sheβs already filming another talk about an icon
username4 love the fitttt
username5 streets say sheβs got a boyfriend now π
β³ username1 source: trust me bro
β³ username2 SPILL THE DEETS
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You sink into the plush couch in Carlos' living room, the aroma of your favorite pasta filling the air. This has become your ritual - intimate dinners at home, safe from prying eyes and camera flashes. Sometimes you cook together, but tonight you've ordered in from that little Italian place Carlos adores.
"This is perfect," you sigh contentedly as Carlos settles beside you, two plates balanced in his hands. "I'll take nosy neighbors over paparazzi any day."
"Agreed," Carlos chuckles, handing you your plate, "Though I'm pretty sure my neighbor thinks I've developed an unhealthy obsession with takeout."
"Little do they know you're just obsessed with me," you lean in, pressing a soft kiss to his cheek.
"Guilty as charged," he grins, pulling you closer.
As you eat, you share stories about your day. Carlos absently traces patterns on your knee, and you find yourself melting into his touch.
"Oh," you say, remembering suddenly. "My team suggested something interesting today."
"What would that be, amor?" Carlos raises an eyebrow, intrigued.
You take a sip of wine before answering. "They think it would be a good idea for me to attend the Silverstone Grand Prix."
For obvious reasons, you haven't been able to join Carlos for a race since your relationship began. The need for secrecy and your busy schedules have kept you from sharing this crucial part of his life.
So when your team suggested you should attend the British Grand Prix at Silverstone to promote your new movie, you felt a surge of excitement. The prospect of finally seeing Carlos in his element, even if you had to pretend not to know each other, made you giddy.
"Really? That's... wow," Carlos said, his eyes twinkling.
"Don't get too excited," you nudge him playfully. "We'll have to pretend we barely know each other, you know."
Carlos groans dramatically, flopping back against the couch. "You mean I can't sweep you off your feet in front of thousands of fans? How will I cope?"
You laugh, setting your plate aside to cuddle closer to him. "I'm sure you'll manage. Just think of it as acting practice for both of us."
He wraps an arm around you, his voice growing softer. "You know, I always imagined the first race you'd attend would be as my girlfriend. With everyone knowing how lucky I am."
"I know, love," your heart swells at his words. "But hey, we'll still be together, even if no one else knows it."
Carlos nods, pressing a kiss to your forehead. "You're right. And I am happy you'll be there. Even if I have to pretend I'm not crazy about you."
"Well, there's no pretending now," you look up at him, a mischievous glint in your eye. "Show me just how crazy about me you are."
With a playful growl, Carlos pulls you onto his lap, dinner forgotten as his lips find yours. In moments like these, the secrecy feels worth it - these moments are yours alone, untouched by the outside world.
As you break apart, slightly breathless, Carlos murmurs against your lips, "Maybe we can sneak a moment at Silverstone. A secret rendezvous in the paddock?"
"Now that would make headlines", you laugh, running your fingers through his hair. "'Famous actress and F1 star caught canoodling behind the garages.'"
"Worth it," Carlos grins, pulling you in for another kiss.
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carlossainz55 Beyond excited for Silverstone this weekend. Letβs do this π
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username1 MY MAN
username2 heβs really the hottest man alive
scuderiaferrari We got this π
username3 SILVERSTONE MORE LIKE CARLOSTONE
username4 manifesting another silverstone win
username5 my girl yn in the likes sheβs so real
landonorris π₯΅π₯΅π₯΅π₯΅
β³ username1 these two being single right now just means they get to be menaces
β³ carlossainz55 Weird
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The early morning light filters through the curtains of your bedroom as you help Carlos adjust his red Ferrari hoodie. Your fingers linger on his shoulders, savoring these last private moments before the chaos of race day begins.
"Remember," you tease, smoothing down his collar, "hands to yourself out there, Sainz."
"That might be a challenge, amor," Carlos grins, his eyes sparkling, "Especially with you wearing my number."
You playfully swat his arm, adjusting the Ferrari cap with Carlos' number that sits atop your head. "I mean it. We've managed to keep this under wraps for six months. Let's not blow our cover now."
"Fine, fine," he pulls you close, nuzzling your neck, "But you owe me for this torture."
"Torture, is it?" you laugh, tilting your head to give him better access. "Such a dramatic driver I've fallen for."
"In all honesty," Carlos pulls back, his expression suddenly serious, "I wish I could shout it from the podium today. That I'm the luckiest man in the world because I have you."
"Soon," you promise, cupping his face. "For now, let's enjoy our little secret."
With a final, lingering kiss, Carlos reluctantly steps away. "I'd better go. See you out there, amor."
"Go get 'em, tiger."
Hours later, you arrive at the circuit, your stomach fluttering with nerves. The Ferrari cap with Carlos' number feels like a subtle declaration, a secret sign that only you and Carlos truly understand.
"We'll start with Ferrari," your manager explains. "Given your... interest in the team."
You nod, fighting to keep your expression neutral. If only she knew the real reason for your interest.
As you approach the Ferrari garage, you spot Charles Leclerc first. Carlos had told you stories about his teammate before β his skill on the track, his competitive nature, and his charming personality. Now, seeing him in person, you understand why he's such a fan favorite.
Charles notices you approaching and breaks into a warm smile. He steps forward, extending his hand. "Hello there! I'm Charles Leclerc. Big fan."
"It's a pleasure to meet you, Charles," you shake his hand, returning the smile. "I've heard great things about you."
"All good, I hope," he chuckles. "Is this your first time at a Grand Prix?"
"It is! I'm thrilled to be here. The energy is incredible already."
"Oh, just wait until the race starts. There's nothing quite like it." He pauses, then adds, "Have you met my teammate yet? He's around here somewhere..."
As if on cue, you hear a familiar voice behind you. "Did someone mention me?"
Your heart skips a beat as Carlos approaches and it takes every ounce of your acting skills to keep your expression neutral as he extends his hand.
"Carlos Sainz," he introduces himself, a cocky smirk on his lips, "Welcome to our garage."
As you shake his hand, you're hyper-aware of every point of contact. This man knows every inch of you, has held you countless times, yet here you are, pretending to be strangers. It's thrilling and frustrating all at once.
"It's great to meet you both," you manage to say, proud of how steady your voice sounds. "I can't wait to see you race."
"Well I hope we make a good first impression," Carlos said, and the look in his eyes told you that it was taking everything in him to keep his hands away from you.
"Carlos is being modest," Charles chimes in. "He's had some of his best performances here. You might be in for a treat today."
You raise an eyebrow, glancing at Carlos. "Is that so? Well, now I'm even more excited to watch."
Carlos rubs the back of his neck, a gesture you know is partly genuine modesty and partly an act. "Charles exaggerates. But I'll do my best to put on a good show for you- I mean, for all the fans."
"I'm sure you both will," you say, including Charles in your gaze to avoid suspicion.
A crew member approaches, informing Carlos and Charles that they're needed for a pre-race briefing shortly, and at the same time, a photographer appears asking for a picture. You pose with Charles first and shortly after Carlos stands next to you, his hand almost squeezing your waist sending shivers down your spine.
After the photo, you reluctantly step away. "I should let you get to your briefing. Good luck in the race, gentlemen!"
As you walk away, Charles say to Carlos, "She's gorgeous, isn't she?"
Carlos feels a sudden pang of jealousy, fighting the urge to declare that you're his. Instead, he replies with a smug tone, "She certainly is. But remember, we're here to race, not to admire the guests."
You make your way to the McLaren garage, where you're introduced to Lando Norris, Carlos' best friend. Lando's infectious energy has you laughing within minutes. You can see why he and Carlos get along so well, and you find yourself wishing you could share stories about your boyfriend with his best friend.
As you're about to leave the McLaren garage, your phone buzzes with a text from Carlos.
Against your better judgment, you find yourself making excuses to your team and heading towards Carlos' driver's room. You slip inside, closing the door behind you and praying no one saw you.
Carlos is there in an instant, pulling you into his arms. "Dios mio, do you know how hard it was to keep my hands off you out there?"
"Behave yourself, Sainz," you laugh, melting into his embrace, "We have an image to maintain."
"Oh? And what image is that?" he pulls back, his eyes twinkling, "Because right now, all I can think about is how adorable you look in my cap."
"Flatterer," you tease, running your hands up his chest, admiring how the race suit fits him. "You don't look so bad yourself in this. First time I'm seeing it in person, you know."
Carlos grins, leaning in to brush his lips against yours. "Like what you see?"
"Maybe," you say coyly, pressing a kiss to his jaw. "But shouldn't you be focusing on the race?"
"You're killing me, hermosa," he groans dramatically, pulling you back against him, "How am I supposed to focus on driving when all I can think about is you?"
"Well," you suggest, "Maybe you need some motivation. Win the race, and I'll give you a proper celebration later."
"Now that's what I call incentive," he pecked your lips, and suddenly his eyes light up with an idea. He reaches for his phone. "Wait, I need a picture of you in that cap. My good luck charm."
You roll your eyes but pose anyway, tilting the cap at a jaunty angle. Carlos snaps the photo, grinning widely.
"Perfect," he says, showing you the result. "This is going to be my new favorite picture."
You're about to reply when a knock at the door makes you both freeze. "Carlos? Are you in there? Last pre-race briefing in two minutes," comes a voice from outside.
You stifle a giggle as Carlos calls back, "Be right there!"
He turns back to you, stealing one last passionate kiss before reluctantly stepping away. "This isn't over," he promises.
"I should hope not," you tease, straightening his collar. "Now go out there and make me proud."
As Carlos heads for the door, he pauses, looking back at you with a soft smile. "Te amo, YN."
"I love you too. Now go be the champion I know you are."
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f1world THESE TWO π₯Ήπ₯Ήπ
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username1 AHHH THEY LOOK SO CUTE
username2 i bet carlosβ fanboy ass was shaking
username3 they look so good together hello????
username4 not yn zendaya-ing
username5 HER SMILE
username6 love them so much they should date
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yourinstagram SILVERSTONE. In another life I was a F1 driver. Yesterday I got to hang out with real ones and their pretty pretty cars. And I did not play it cool π
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username1 AHHHH ICON
username2 QUEEN OF THE PADDOCK
username3 she should go to every gp idc
scuderiaferarri Youβre welcome anytime π
username4 βgot to hang out with real onesβ and just posts carlos
username5 WHERE IS MY LANDO X YN PIC
emmacorrin ππππ
username6 CARLOSYN YES
charles_leclerc Lovely to meet you π
β³ username1 and she didnβt post him help
carlossainz55 An absolute pleasure to chat with you π
β³ yourinstagram Likewise !
β³ username2 DATE
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carlossainz55 Triple header done, time to recharge and come back stronger in Hungary! πͺπ»
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username1 CHILIIIIII
username2 of course he was going to post his pic with yn he's such a fanboy
username3 ICONS IN THE THIRD PIC
scuderiaferrari Always the Smooth Operator πΆοΈ
username4 YN'S FACE IN THE THIRD PIC
username5 i ship carlos and yn
username6 i like the british gp bc actual cool celebrities attend not like the miami gp
yourinstagram Amazing weekend β€οΈ
β³ username1 HELLOOOOOO
deuxmoi has added to their stories
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After the excitement of Silverstone, reality had set in quickly. You had to fly to Switzerland for your latest film project, while Carlos was called to Maranello for team duties. The goodbye had been bittersweet.
Now, a week later, you're on set in Switzerland, immersed in the world of your latest film. The day has been long, filled with intense scenes and multiple takes. As you trudge back to your trailer, your mind wanders to your boyfriend, wishing you could share the day's triumphs and frustrations with him, but he was miles away.
You open the trailer door, lost in thought, and nearly jump out of your skin when you see a figure inside. Your heart rate skyrockets, then immediately settles as you recognize the familiar silhouette.
"Carlos?" you whisper, a mix of shock and joy coursing through you. "What are you doing here?"
He turns, a wide grin spreading across his face. "Surprise, baby!"
You rush into his arms, all exhaustion forgotten as he envelops you in a warm embrace. The familiar scent of his cologne wraps around you, and you feel the tension in your body melt away.
But as quickly as the joy comes, worry follows. You pull back slightly, glancing nervously at the door. "Carlos, how did you even get in here what if someone sees you? We can't risk-"
He silences your concerns with a gentle kiss. "Relax, amor. I was careful. No one saw me come in."
Despite your worries, you can't help but lean into him again, savoring the feeling of being in his arms after a week apart.
"I've missed you," you murmur against his chest.
"I've missed you too," he replies, his fingers tracing soothing patterns on your back, "It's like I'm addicted to you, I can't be apart from you for too long."
You look up at him, taking in the warmth in his brown eyes, the slight stubble on his jaw that you love to trace with your fingers. The realization of how much you've missed him hits you all at once, and you pull him down for a deeper kiss.
When you part, both slightly breathless, you can't help but laugh softly. "This is crazy, you know. What if my co-stars come knocking?"
"Then I'll hide in the closet like a teenager sneaking around. It'll be exciting."
He shrugged and you playfully swat his arm, but you can't deny the thrill of having him here, in your space, surrounded by the world of your work.
"How long can you stay?" you ask, hoping against hope that it's more than just a fleeting visit.
"I have to leave early tomorrow," he says, a hint of regret in his voice, "I know it's not much time together but I really needed to see you, kiss you, just be with you."
"I have to go back to filming now," you say reluctantly. "But I'll be done in a few hours."
Carlos nods understandingly. "Go, cariΓ±o. I'll wait here in your trailer. Maybe I'll raid your snack stash," he adds with a playful wink.
You laugh, giving him one last quick kiss before heading out. "Behave yourself, Sainz."
The rest of your filming flies by, your spirits lifted by the knowledge that Carlos is waiting for you. As soon as the director calls wrap, you hurry back to your trailer, your heart racing with anticipation.
Carlos is lounging on your small couch when you return, scrolling through his phone. He looks up as you enter, his face breaking into a warm smile. "There's my star."
You collapse into his arms, sighing contentedly. "I still can't believe you're here."
After a few moments of just holding each other, you both decide it's time to head to your hotel. You peek out of the trailer, checking if the coast is clear.
"Okay, I think we're good," you whisper, grabbing Carlos' hand and making a dash for it.
You weave between trailers and equipment, your hearts pounding with a mix of excitement and nervousness. Just as you're about to round the final corner to the parking lot, you spot a crew member heading your way.
"Quick, behind here," Carlos whispers urgently, pulling you behind a large lighting rig.
You both hold your breath as the crew member passes by, mere feet from your hiding spot. Once they're gone, you share a look of relief and almost burst out laughing at the same time. The situation was definitely comic.
As you make your final dash to your car, you hear a surprised voice calling your name from behind you. Turning slightly, you see one of the production assistants, their eyes wide with surprise as they take in the sight of you and Carlos hand-in-hand.
Without stopping, you give a quick wave and a "Goodnight!" before practically diving into your car. Carlos follows suit, and you peel out of the parking lot perhaps a bit faster than necessary. Thank god you're not the race car driver in the relationship.
Once you're on the road, you let out a long breath. "Well, that was close,"
"It's okay, amor," Carlos reaches over to squeeze your hand reassuringly, "Even if they saw us, it doesn't have to mean anything."
"But what if they start asking questions?" you glance at him, unconvinced, "Or worse, what if they tell someone? Deuxmoi is already onto us after Silverstone, what if someone tips them?"
"I still don't understand what Deuxmoi is," Carlos looked at you with confusion, which made you laugh, "But we'll deal with it. Remember, we haven't done anything wrong. We're just two people who care about each other."
You nod, trying to let his words calm you. "I know, I know. It's just... I'm not ready for the world to know yet. To have our relationship picked apart and speculated about."
Carlos brings your hand to his lips, kissing it softly. "I understand. And we'll do everything we can to keep our privacy."
"Okay," you agree, offering him a small smile. "Thank you for always knowing how to calm me down."
"It's because I love you," Carlos says simply, his eyes warm as they meet yours at a stoplight.
The rest of the drive passes in comfortable conversation. By the time you reach the hotel, you're feeling much more relaxed, ready to enjoy your time together.
As you park the car, Carlos turns to you with a mischievous grin. "Now, shall we make another escape to your room, or do you think we can manage to walk in like normal people this time?"
"I think we can risk it. But if anyone asks, you're just my very attractive Swiss tour guide."
"Tour guide, huh?" Carlos waggles his eyebrows. "I can think of a few places I'd like to show you."
Rolling your eyes affectionately, you get out of the car. "Come on, horndog. Let's go before you get us into more trouble."
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gossiphub Guess who got caught sneaking out of a movie set in Switzerland? None other than actress YN and Ferrari driver Carlos Sainz! πΈ These two were seen holding hands and looking super close. Could this be the start of a new power couple? What are your thoughts?
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username1 OMFGGGG
username2 AH I KNEW IT
username3 this was expected after silverstone
username4 THE POWER THIS HOLDS
username5 the couple we didnβt know we needed
username6 YALL what if theyβve been actually dating for longer π
username7 I NEED MORE OF THIS
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sainznews βYN is someone I admire a lot. Right now, though, I'm fully focused on the season and my performance on the track. I prefer to keep my personal life separate from my professional life.β -Carlos today !
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username1 BROOOO
username2 he said youβre NAWT getting details
username3 bold of the interviewer to ask π
username4 i really want them to be a couple but maybe theyβre just friends
username5 COME ON SPILL THE DEETS
username6 oh well
username7 his ass was shaking
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yourinstagram The train ride home β£οΈ
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username1 iconic behavior
username2 girl come here address the rumors
gemmachan A beauty π€π€
daisyedgarjones π₯Ήπ₯Ή
username3 i love that both of them are just playing dumb
username4 CARLOS IN THE LIKES
username5 ah shit theyβre not going to confirm anything
username6 CARLOSYN IS REAL
username7 potential it couple and theyβre playing dumb
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The headlines hit like a tidal wave after your Swiss rendezvous. "A List Actress Spotted with F1 Star Carlos Sainz!" "YN and Carlos Sainz: Secret Romance?" Paparazzi photos of your flooded gossip sites and social media. Fans and media alike dissecting every detail of the grainy images.
You and Carlos spent hours on the phone, figuring out your response. "Maybe we should just confirm it," Carlos suggested one night, his voice tinged with frustration.
"Not yet," you replied, biting your lip. "Let's wait for it to die down a bit. We don't owe them an explanation."
So you played it cool, neither confirming nor denying the rumors. Carlos deflected questions at press conferences with his characteristic charm, while you posted on social media as if nothing had changed. It was stressful, constantly looking over your shoulders, but you managed to keep your relationship under wraps for a little longer.
However, as the world premiere of your movie approached, you made a decision. Curled up on the couch with Carlos during a rare weekend together, you turned to him, tracing patterns on his chest.
"I've been thinking," you started, your heart racing.
Carlos looked at you, his eyes soft. "About what, cariΓ±o?"
You took a deep breath. "I want you to come with me to the premiere. As my date. I'm ready for the world to know about us."
Carlos' face lit up with pure joy. He sat up, pulling you onto his lap. "Really? You're sure about this?"
"I'm sure," you nodded, cupping his face, "I love you, Carlos. I'm tired of hiding it."
He peppered your face with kisses, unable to contain his excitement. "I love you too, YN. So much. You have no idea how happy this makes me."
"I think I have some idea," you teased, gesturing to his beaming face.
Carlos pulled you closer, his forehead resting against yours. "No more sneaking around? No more pretending we're just friends?"
"No more," you confirmed.
He kissed you deeply, pouring all his love and excitement into it. When you parted, both slightly breathless, Carlos grinned. "So, do I get to coordinate my tie with your dress?"
"Is that all you're thinking about? Fashion?" you rolled your eyes affectionately.
"No," he replied, his eyes twinkling. "I'm also thinking about how I get to show off the most beautiful, talented woman in the world as my girlfriend."
The night of the premiere arrived quicker than you expected. Carlos looked devastatingly handsome in a sharp black suit, his hair perfectly styled. As you put the finishing touches on your makeup, you caught him watching you in the mirror, his eyes full of adoration.
"What?" you asked, suddenly self-conscious.
He shook his head, smiling softly. "Nothing. I just can't believe how lucky I am."
In the limo on the way to the theater, Carlos took your hand, his thumb tracing soothing circles on your skin. "Nervous?" he asked.
You nodded, letting out a shaky breath. "A little. You?"
"Excited," he replied, bringing your hand to his lips for a soft kiss. As the limo approached the theater, you could already hear the roar of the crowd. Carlos pulled you close, pressing a tender kiss to your temple. "Remember, no matter what happens out there, it's just you and me. Okay?"
"You and me."
The limo door opened, and suddenly you were blinded by camera flashes. Carlos stepped out first, then turned to offer you his hand. As you emerged, the crowd's volume doubled. Carlos kept his hand on the small of your back, a constant reassuring presence as you made your way down the carpet.
When you reached the photo spot, he pulled you close, his arm wrapping securely around your waist. The crowd went wild, cameras clicking furiously. You could hear reporters shouting questions, but you focused on Carlos, on the warmth of his touch and the love in his eyes.
As you made your way down the carpet, Carlos couldn't seem to keep his hands off you. He'd lean in to in your ear, his hand never leaving your waist. At one point, he pressed a soft kiss to your cheek, sending the photographers into a frenzy.
You stopped for a few interviews, Carlos by your side the whole time. When asked about your relationship, you simply smiled and said, "We're very happy together." Carlos would beam at you, his pride evident in every glance.
By the time you entered the theater, you were both giddy with excitement and relief. As you took your seats, Carlos leaned over, his lips brushing your ear. "You were amazing out there. I love you so much."
You turned to him, your heart full. "I love you too. Thank you for being here with me."
βββββββββ ౨ৠβββββββββ
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gossiphub π¨π¨CARLOS SAINZ AND YN HAVE ARRIVED TOGETHER AT HER PREMIERE IN LONDON
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username5 they look so cunty omg f1 needed a couple like this
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carlossainz55 My πΈβ€οΈ
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username4 this relationship is a blessing for real
username5 CARLOS POSTING HIS GF???? HIS A LIST ACTRESS GF ?????
username6 i love them sm
username7 how long do you think he waited before turning his insta into a fanpage of her
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β³ carlossainz55 β€οΈ
βββββββββ ౨ৠβββββββββ
The Dutch Grand Prix in Zandvoort, the first race after the summer break. You were attending again, but this time, you walked into the paddock hand-in-hand with Carlos. There was no need for secrecy. You were here as his girlfriend, and the world knew it.
Fans call out your names as you make your way through the paddock, and you both wave, Carlos' arm protectively around your waist. The comfort of being able to show your affection openly still feels thrilling.
As you approach the Ferrari garage, you spot Charles chatting with some engineers. He turns and breaks into a wide grin at the sight of you two.
"Well, well, if it isn't the happy couple!" Charles calls out, walking over to greet you.
"Charles, I don't think you've been properly introduced to my girlfriend yet," Carlos laughs, pulling you closer.
You exchange pleasantries, and then Charles shakes his head, chuckling. "You know, I feel terrible now. I literally wanted to ask you out that day at Silverstone because I had no idea you were together!"
You all share a laugh at the irony, and Carlos playfully narrows his eyes at his teammate. "Watch it, Leclerc. She's taken."
"Be nice, darling," you swat Carlos' arm lightly, "Charles is just being honest."
As you watched Carlos chat animatedly with his teammate, you couldn't help but feel a sense of rightness. This was where you belonged, by Carlos' side, sharing in his world.
"Carlos, we need you for a quick strategy briefing," the engineer said, glancing at his watch.
Carlos nodded, then turned to you with an apologetic smile. "Duty calls, amor. I shouldn't be too long."
"No worries," you assured him. "I'll find ways to entertain myself."
He leaned in, kissing you softly. "I'll text you when I'm done," he promised, then followed his engineer out of the room.
With some time to kill, you decided to explore the paddock. It felt liberating to walk around openly, no longer worried about being spotted or sparking rumors. As you passed the McLaren garage, a familiar voice called out to you.
"Well, if it isn't Mrs. Smooth Operator herself!"
You turned to see Lando Norris grinning at you, his eyes twinkling with mischief.
"Lando!" you greeted him warmly. "How are you?"
"I'm good, but more importantly, how are you?" he asked, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively. "Finally free from the chains of secrecy, eh?"
You recalled the night when the headlines about your relationship with Carlos had broken, and Lando had been the first to reach out. That evening, over dinner at your place, you and Carlos had shared the story of your six-month secret romance with him. Lando had been surprisingly supportive, and since then, he'd become a close confidant and ally.
You chatted with him for a bit, he was someone always fun to talk to and you were happy Carlos had someone like him in his life.
Just then, your phone buzzed with a text from Carlos.
"Let me guess," Lando said, a knowing smirk on his face. "Lover boy is calling?"
You rolled your eyes good-naturedly. "As a matter of fact, yes. I should probably go."
"Go on then," Lando shooed you away playfully, "Go be disgustingly in love somewhere else."
You laughed, giving him a quick hug before heading towards the Ferrari hub. As you walked, you felt happy to be able to walk openly into his private space without worrying about prying eyes or rumors.
You knocked softly on the door of his driver's room. "Come in," Carlos called out.
As you entered, you found Carlos sitting on the small couch, still in his casual team gear. He looked up, his face breaking into a warm smile as he saw you.
"Hey you," he said, standing up and crossing the room to pull you into an embrace.
"Hey yourself," you replied, melting into his arms. "How are you feeling?"
Carlos pulled back slightly, his hands resting on your waist. "Better now that you're here," he said, his eyes twinkling.
You laughed softly, reaching up to smooth a stray lock of hair from his forehead. "Charmer. But really, how are you?"
He took a deep breath, his expression turning more serious. "A little nervous, if I'm honest. The pressure is high here."
"That's natural," you nodded understandingly, your hand coming to rest on his cheek, "But Carlos, you're amazing. You've got this."
"Thank you, cariΓ±o," he leaned into your touch, his eyes closing briefly, "Your support means everything to me."
For a moment, you both stood there in comfortable silence, foreheads touching, breathing each other in. There was no rush, no fear of discovery. Just the two of you, sharing a quiet moment before the storm of the race.
"I love that we can do this now," you murmured, breaking the silence. "No sneaking around, no looking over our shoulders."
Carlos smiled, pulling you closer. "Me too. It feels right, doesn't it? Having you here with me, openly by my side."
You nodded, your heart swelling with emotion. "It does. I'm so proud to be with you, Carlos. To support you."
His eyes softened, and he leaned in, capturing your lips in a tender kiss. You responded eagerly, pouring all your love and support into the gesture.
"I love you," he whispered.
"I love you too," you replied, your fingers tracing patterns on the back of his neck.
A knock on the door interrupted your moment. "Ten minutes, Carlos," came a voice from outside.
"I should go," you said reluctantly, but Carlos held onto your hand.
"Stay with me?" he asked, a hint of vulnerability in his voice. "Just for a few more minutes?"
You nodded, squeezing his hand. "Of course."
You sat together on the small couch, Carlos's arm around you, your head resting on his shoulder. No words were needed; your presence was enough to calm his pre-race nerves.
As the minutes ticked by, you felt Carlos take a deep breath, his body shifting as he prepared mentally for the race ahead.
"Time to go be a superhero," you said softly, lifting your head to meet his gaze.
Carlos smiled, pressing a quick kiss to your lips before standing up. "Wait for me at the finish line?"
"Always."
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scuderiaferarri Our paddock queen β€οΈ
username5 yn donβt get used to the ferrari red youβll be wearing blue next year
username6 GET MARRIED ALREADY
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carlossainz55 P10 β‘οΈ P5! Beyond happy to share the race with my love @/yourinstagram π Special weekend ahead at Monza, canβt wait to race in front of our Tifosi!
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β³ username1 QUEEN NEVER LEAVE THE PADDOCK
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#carlos sainz x reader#carlos sainz fanfiction#carlos sainz blurb#carlos sainz smau#carlos sainz x yn#carlos sainz angst#f1 x reader#f1 fanfiction#cs55 x reader#formula 1 fanfiction#formula 1 reader#carlos sainz imagine#harrysfolklore#cs55 fic#carlos sainz fic#f1 fic#f1 grid x reader#carlos sainz social media au#carlos sainz fluff#cs55 x you#carlos sainz story
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Its been two weeks since the last earth-shaking explosion rattled the bunker my family has been holed up in during the war. The past three years have felt like a blur, a monotonous chant that I can't even remember the words to.
Most days consisted of mom quietly humming as she swept away the dirt, her hair seemingly becoming more gray and frazzled each time the bunker rumbled and dirt fell from the ceiling, extending the chore like a never ending loop. My younger brother spent most of his time playing through my old DS games, not like we had internet the moment the first bomb dropped. The first few weeks he would ask "How much longer" hourly and he seemed restless, complaining about the processed food and canned veggies we had to sustain on. As the weeks turned to months, eventually years he too became silent.
I remember my dad, explaining to Mom the action plan, helping us pack our emergency bags and sending us on our way. He told us he would see us soon, but I think we all lost hope within the first few months, even though my mom still tells my brother how Dad will be so happy to see us when we finally reunite on the surface
"This is different," I remember Dad's words as he looked up to the sky before seeing us off, "I promise you will be safe, I promise I will see you soon." With one last bear hug, off we went. Somewhere in the middle of nowhere after hours of driving Mom pulled off to the side of the road. The Pacific-northwest wilderness all around us.
"Where are we?" I looked up from my phone, immediately noticing the tears running down her cheeks, "...Mom?"
"We have to walk the rest of the way," she said, obviously trying to keep her voice from trembling. "Your dad has left markers, he told me I would recognize them."
She took a deep breath, "Grab your brother and your bags, I'll get the first aid kits and the rest of the supplies."
We got out and I opened the back seat, "Come on, Cam," unbuckling him from the car seat. He was so much smaller, only five when it all ended. "Time to walk!"
We trekked through the cold for what seemed like hours in one direction and then my mom stopped.
"There," she pointed at a pine off to the right, etched into it were to letters. "N + C" I immediately recognized mine and Cameron's initials.
As we walked towards it I could see Mom's eyes darting around, scanning quickly and taking in every detail of the area, "Nic, I need you to help me find-" she cut off as in the distance she points at another tree with the same initials, "There!" she started running, "Look for them, Nic, we need to go!"
We followed tree after tree for miles, and eventually came to a clearing with a large boulder in the middle. My mother has been a stay at home mom for as long as I can remember, but she began digging around the pine needles and dirt at the base of the rock, as if years of training were kicking in.
Finally with an "Aha!" and some tugging at the base of it, a small tremor began, a hatch lifted about twenty feet away.
"Nic, I know we haven't explained much to you at this point, but I need you to be strong, your fifteen now and I don't know how long we are going to be here." Mom looked both terrified and stern at the same time, "We will be here until Dad comes and gets us, there is a very big war that is about to happen. Do you understand?"
I looked into the shadows beyond the hatch, "Are we mole people now?"
A small wave of humor wiped across her face "Nic, this is not the time for jokes, but yes"
Ever since then the bunker has been home. We listened and waited, stocks of canned and dehydrated goods sustaining us as the ground shook around us day after day for years. When the first day came without a bomb being dropped I don't think any of us realized, after three days Mom put Cameron down for bed and motioned for me to follow her out of the small bunk room we shared.
"Its been days now, do you think its safe?" My voice was raspy, I couldn't remember the last time I spoke aloud. Weeks? Months?
"I-I don't know," she turned to me with same terrified stern look she had two years before. I realized the pressure we were under, and not just from being fifty feet below the surface. "We need to wait until your father-"
"Mom, when are you going to stop acting as if he survived? We need to figure this out." Did anyone else survive? Who won the war? How long do we wait.
"Nic, it is very important that we wait, your dad is a very resourceful man and if he said he will come to us then I believe him" She walked towards the ladder in the corner of the room and looked up from where we climbed down.
"How long?" I asked bluntly, "How long do we sit here hiding before we accept he didn't survive? Something up there has been shaking us out in the middle of nowhere for years" I start to realize the time we've spent in the dark, disconnected, "There are so many things that could be happening and we cannot guarantee anything!"
"Two weeks." she said, without looking away from the only way up. "I will wait two weeks, and if no more tremors we can go to the surface. I will go to the surface and check if its safe."
Here I am, two weeks later trying to sleep as anxiety rips through me and what is going to happen tomorrow when we wake up. Will it be safe? Is there anyone left? Slowly as I drift to sleep, these unanswered questions exhausting me I feel a small tug. No, not a tug, a lift, as if a small wave pulled me above water briefly. My eyes snap open and I look at the battery clock next to my bunk, its time.
I walk out and I see my mom standing in the main room, dressed as if she had somewhere to go for the first time in months, and she did.
"I'm going up," she said, "Watch Cameron and I'll be right back down." She picked up a small device off the kitchen table, turning it on made it click and whistle, then silence. "I need to see if we are in danger from radiation."
She grabs the metal ladder, her foot on the first rung, "If its safe, we need to hope the car is where we left it otherwise we will be walking for a while" she began to climb up into the darkness.
After about ten minutes when I heard the hatch opening echo down the tunnel and again I felt the tug, stronger this time. It felt as if I was standing in the ocean and a wave tried to lift me off of my feet, I felt a tingling sensation course though me and release as if shooting out of my fingertips. When I heard the hatch close the sensation almost immediately cut off, "Shit." I said aloud, thinking to myself it must be radiation. I grew more and more anxious as I heard Mom's steps get closer and closer to the bottom until she appeared from the dark.
"Its-" She paused, turning around her face looking like a mix of confused and stressed, "Its clear, no traces at all."
Then what was that feeling? I must've looked a certain way while thinking and Mom read me like a book.
"I don't know what the was when I opened the hatch, Nic, but you're right. We cannot sit and wait until our food supply is gone, we need to find help." She grabs our bags and sets them on the table, quickly gathering supplies. "Go get Cameron ready."
We gather everything and I get Cameron dressed, he asks a hundred questions I don't have the answer to and I just keep telling him we need to go back to the car. Finally, we get go up. Mom first, then Cameron, then me. Slowly making our way through the dark until Mom stops below the hatch. Our dimly lit abode below us looks like a small speck five stories below us.
"My arms hurt!" Cameron whines.
"Give me just a sec to-hah! Found it!" The hatch clicks and Mom pushes it open letting in a burst of light and fresh air. My body feels light again, a sudden rush pushes me and I feel like I'm going to shoot straight up like a cork in a bottle.
We crawl out and everything looks surprisingly familiar. The air feels crisp with a slight tinge of fall and wet pine needles to give me an idea of the time of year. The sensation continues to pull me upwards, I feel pressure building as if I'm a balloon being pushed under water. The tingling sensation feels as if it is concentrated on the tips of my fingers and I look down and-
"Mom, what's going on!?" I hold up my hand and as I do sparks begin to shoot from it, no pain only pressure.
"I-I don't know Nic, are you ok? Does it hurt?" She looks horrified, "Shake it off!"
I start shaking my hand, I feel tears welling up even though I don't feel hurt, just scared. The sparks fade. I look down at my hand and see light blue lines tracing along my veins and fading up my arm. I reach out and the outlines pulse as if alive. My hand is no longer shooting sparks and I move my fingers to make sure everything is ok. They meet friction when I move them, something that feels almost like my old guitar strings pushing against my fingers, a clump of chords in my hand when I ball it into a fist. I reach out slowly and run my index finger down as if to strum the invisible instrument, quickly with each passing chord, a faint blue line lights up as I move downward, one by one lighting up and fading fast behind.
I take a step forward, and besides the pressure inside my chest, there is nothing stopping me moving. I take a swing with my hand and like a harp, the faint chords appear vertically behind the motion, fading as quickly as they appeared.
A voice rings through my mind, a voice like music.
"You have a natural talent, you understand the magic coursing through you as a beautiful song waiting to be played"
"Who are you?!" I say aloud.
"Nic, who are you talking to?" Mom looks so scared, Cam looks up at me, his eyes bright with curiosity.
"Its been a long time since I have been awake in this world, so many voices, too many for me to handle. At last I can hear the music through all of the noise!"
"If you don't tell me who you are, I-I-" I stammer out, not knowing what I would do if the voice doesn't give me an answer.
"Calm down, child. I am not here to hurt you, in fact I am your savior, your muse. Soon you will understand, soon you will play such beautiful songs for me, you will compose symphonies for my orchestra. For I, child, am Mystra."
The magic weave is real, every human pulls from it. But the vast Ocean that is the weave is not infinite and as the human population rises the power one can pull from the weave becomes almost non existent. Earth just faced a apocalyptic event that wiped out 80% of humanity and you feel the weave
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β§βΛβsimple living thingsοΉ
a hunger games!au ellie williams fanfiction.β π π₯ππ π¦π³
summary. the capitol, what a lovely place. however, as humanity's story goes, the most captivating sights have the darkest secrets. capitolites crawl around the city like vermin, teeth bared like daggers ready to sink their teeth into the newest tributes. good thing they have a few days to train.
content warnings. mentions of past suicide (only lasts a paragraph or two), depictions of gore (it's in a dream tho dw), graphic depictions of addiction, smoking, and fist fighting (not in the way you think??)
total wc. 13,045
notes!! i don't have much to say ab this one guys im sorry,, i didn't edit it so that's really great but i talk about that more in the post-notes @ the end!! once again, reminder that it's better read on ao3!
ππ series masterlist βΈβΈ playlist βΈβΈ ao3 ππ
20:10.
TRAINING CENTER, FLOOR 4.
βOh, isnβt it lovely?β Alice Reymond beams at the suite, clasping her hands together in awe.
The Training Center is one of many skyscrapers within the Capitol, a large portion of it dedicated to the yearly tributes and their teams. Each floor is assigned to its corresponding District. For example, the first and lowest floor is where the tributes of One will reside. As such, you and Remy are assigned to floor four. Sam and Henry are below you on three, Ariadne Evans and Selene Jones above you on five.
Since the Reapings, youβve spent hours memorizing each tribute. Ruben deems it to be a waste of time, saying most of them will die in the bloodbath at the Cornucopia. You beg to differ. Sure, a good portion of tributes will die early on, but most of them will end up surviving the bloodbath and be threats to your survival. Since most people view it as Ruben does, your determination to memorize each tribute provides you with the ascendancy. Well, it would, had you not been born a L/n.
If they Capitol werenβt so fucking infatuated by your family, youβd undeniably have the upper hand by knowing each tribute by name and District. But they all already know you. By more than just name, at that. They know your family tree, history, District, name, and all else thatβs up for common knowledge β which is everything. Itβs fucking maddening. You have to do double the work just to learn each name whilst yours is a given to everyone else.Β
Youβll be a target in the arena, deemed the highest threat and the most valuable kill.
βWe each have our own rooms, bathrooms, and dressing rooms. Just like on the train. Though this place is far more ostentatious.β Alice continues on, walking around the space with a wide grin. βDinner will be served in half an hour, so youβre able to get washed up. Return back here in something more comfortable than those costumes, yes?β
Alice shoos you and Remy away, turning to admire the suite alone. She continues to mutter words of veneration under her breath long after everyone has left.
The suite has an open layout, kitchen and living room separated by a three foot wall. To the right of the space is a wide hallway, corinthian columns on either side. Down the hall are four doors, one for each of you. The floors are hardwood, the walls velvet with intricate mouldings.
You push open your door. Your room is decorated in different shades of blue, likely due to Fourβs being a fishing District. Itβs cliche, though you find yourself far more fond of the blues than you were of the pure whiteness back home. It adds character despite that being basic.
Youβre quick to strip out of your pirate outfit, slipping into something more congenial.Β
Your stylist was kind enough, a short plump woman named Birdie. Her hair was chopped into an electric red pixie cut that messily framed her round face. She didnβt look as much as a Capitolite as Alice Reymond, though she still had that wealthy aura to her. She was super sweet, asking how you wanted your hair done and how short you wanted your skirts. Most stylists donβt care to ask for the tributesβ preferences, so you were grateful to her in that sense of things.
The piracy was her idea, though she allowed you to choose between fabrics. You were sure youβd be dressed into something appalling, whether that be two shells or a full blue bodysuit. But the pirate dress wasnβt too bad. It was actually the best option possible. It was creative enough to draw attention, yet modest enough that you werenβt exploited.
You remember feeling someoneβs eyes on you at all times, making you shift uncomfortably as you couldnβt figure out who was staring.
But when your carriage turned after leaving President Fedraβs building, you caught the eye of District Sevenβs tribute. Ellie Williams, you believed her name to be. She wore something much showier than you did, making her undeniably attractive. Her short auburn hair was cast back, accentuating her blotchy freckles. Whoever Sevenβs stylist is this year surely has an eye for Ellieβs features, knowing exactly what to highlight and how.
You walk around your room, taking in the sight of the space. Itβs larger than your room on the train, though itβs full of so many gadgets that it doesn't feel as vast as your room at home. You mess around with the devices for a while, exploring the wonders of Capitol technology.Β
You can change the color of your walls, lightbulbs, and carpet with the press of a button. You leave it on blue though, something about the color bringing a sense of comfort to the foreign space. Thereβs also a machine that materializes food within the blink of an eye! All you have to do is order a meal by speaking into the intercom! How cool is that?
Your adulation is quick to fade. And youβre now disgusted by it.
Kids die from starvation in the Districts daily. Yet, here in the Capitol, food is materialized by the press of a button? The thought makes your stomach churn and youβve suddenly lost your appetite.
Right on time, thereβs a knock at your door. You rush to open it, no longer wanting to be near the sickening machines of the Capitol. Alice stands in the hallway, eyes bright as she announces that itβs time for supper. You nod, following behind her to the kitchen. On the way, she knocks on Remyβs door and he joins you guys at the table.
You sit down, the meals already set out in front of each of the four chairs. Though, one remains empty. Looking down the table to where Ruben should be sitting, thereβs naught in his space. You raise an eyebrow at this, turning to Alice.
βWhereβs my brother?βΒ
βOh, all mentors attend a dinner at the Capitol following the Parade! Theyβre able to talk with sponsors about how well you guys did.β She responds cheerily as she tells an Avox to cut her steak. βHe should be back by now, though. Hm. Perhaps heβs just running late.β
You frown, having no choice but accept her nugatory explanation β which did nothing to console your nerves.Β
The Avox nods, stepping away once heβs cut her meal into tiny bites. You catch his eye and he raises his brows, silently offering to cut yours as well. You shake your head, βIβve got it, donβt worry.β
Alice glances up at you, her movements paused. βWhatβd you say?β
βI wasnβt speaking to you.β You tell her, gesturing to the Avox behind her. You speak casually despite knowing how this will inevitably vex her. βHe was going to cut my steak for me and I declined.β Her eyes widen before she places her fork down gently, trying hard to withhold her patience. βItβs informal to speak to Avoxes in such a manner, Y/n. Youβre meant only to address them when giving orders. Theyβre criminals and have earned their place as servants.β
βWhatβs informal is your lack of sympathy.β You scoff. βYou have no idea what their crimes are. Thereβs a high possibility that theyβre defendable, that they have families who miss them dearly.β βYet thereβs a higher chance thatβs not the case.β She responds.Β
Alice appears to be absolutely horrified by your show of defiance and willingness to argue on such a matter as this. Remy watches with wide eyes as you two continue to bicker back and forth, all Avoxes now having lowered their heads to avoid drawing attention to themselves.
Your argument is ended only when the front door of the suite clicks open.
Ruben staggers through the doorway, his hair tousled and his shirt half unbuttoned. Your eyes widen as he lifts his head. His pupils are blown and bloodshot, his lips are parted and chapped. The cause is obvious β the post Parade dinner. He mustβve taken one too many of the personally enhanced drugs that the Capitol provides him with.
Alice is quick to her feet, rushing to his aid. Itβs so odd how she can be so caring at times, yet so malicious at others. Remyβs brows are furrowed in confusion, clearly not understanding why Ruben is acting so peculiarly.Β
Alice brings him over to his chair, where he slumps down onto the table. You donβt move. Part of you feels a sense of pain, seeing him like this. You feel like you should help him as heβd helped you all through your childhood. But another part of you wants to run away, cower in your room until itβs all over. Youβre frozen in place, feeling like that useless, defenseless child you once were.Β
βWhatβs wrong with him?β Remy asks, his voice small.
It takes a few seconds before you realize the question is directed at you. Remy watches you with concerned eyes. You blink a few times, taking a deep breath to ground yourself before you answer him.Β
βHe just had a lot of fun and heβs feeling a bit tired, is all.β You say, using the same response Ruben once gave when explaining why your father would return home drunk all the time. You then turn to Alice with the same pointed expression Ruben would give your mother. βStay with Remy, Iβll take Ruben to bed. Weβll let him sleep it off. Heβll be better by dawn.β
Aliceβs brows furrow for a second, though sheβs quick to piece it together. She nods, pulling Rubenβs face out of his food before stepping away to allow you to intervene. You crouch down, draping one of his arms over your shoulders before pulling him to his feet.
Ruben stumbles, his knees buckling under her weight so youβre practically carrying him all the way to his bedroom.
His room is a carbon copy of your own, though heβs switched the color settings to a dusky hue of taupe. You lead him over to his bed before dropping him onto the mattress, allowing his weight to slide off your sore shoulders. He groans, shifting around atop the blankets.
βOh, quit your whining.β You roll your eyes, though youβre aware heβs likely too far gone to comprehend anything you say. With a sigh, you begin to unlace his shoes. βIf anything, you should be thanking me.β
βThanks, Y/n.β He says, syllables slurring together. He barely opens his mouth, his voice muffled through his teeth. He lulls his head to the side, peering at you through lidded eyes. ββNever wanted ya tβ do this part, yβknow.β
βI know.β You whisper, tossing his shoes aside.
You unbutton his shirt, pulling it off his shoulders for him. Scars cover his arms and torso, painting his skin in different shades of pigmentation. Some scares you recognize to have been caused by your parentsβ abuse, others by his time in the arena. There are only a couple that you were unaware of. Though, despite already having known about almost all of them, the sight of his body so battered is painful to look at.Β
You wonder if yours will look so bad after your Games. Youβre already coated in scars from your parents' inflictions, but that makes up only half of what Ruben has. A mosaic of all things bad, scars are. They paint a picture of ache, telling the story of oneβs agony.
You stand straight, folding his shirt over your arm before placing it on his desk. The Avoxes clean the rooms while everyoneβs asleep, which includes picking up clothes. So, taking a few seconds to fold them neatly goes a long way.
βGβnight.β Ruben murmurs as you open the door to leave. Despite his residual grogginess, the next three words that leave him ring clear as day through the dark room. βI love you.β
Your heart clenches in your chest at the sound, not having heard those words fall from his mouth in a long, long time. You never thought youβd hear them again and, if you did, you hoped it would be said in sobriety. With him inebriated in such a way, you donβt feel itβd be fair to return the gesture. Itβd erase all intended sentiment.
βYeah,β You whisper, βYou too.β
With that, you exit his bedroom and shut the door softly behind you. You walk back out to the dining area, seeing that the table has long since been abandoned. Remy and Alice must have gone off to bed. The Avoxes are clearing the dishes, working in complete silence. You thank them, grabbing the attention of a few. As theyβre unable to respond, they simply nod in appreciation before returning to their task.
You stand in there for a moment, unsure of what to do next. You could go to your bedroom, though the sight of all the gadgets makes you sick and youβre certain youβll be unable to sleep. In the end, you decide to exit the suite.Β
Itβs frowned upon to venture the halls at night, though itβs technically not unallowed. There are cameras everywhere, watching the tributesβ every move. You spot three in just the hallway down to the elevator. The buttons on the wall start at ground level β where the actual training is set to take place starting tomorrow morning β ranges from 1 to 12 for each District, then ends at rooftop. You were unaware that the Training Center even had roof access. Curiosity gets the better of you, causing you to press the button.
The walls of the elevator are glass, allowing you to look at each floor as you pass it. Though youβre moving far too fast to actually examine what youβre seeing.Β
You step out of the small space once youβve reached the roof, the doors sliding open to reveal a huge amount of space. The railing is made of concrete, reaching the height of your chest. Though you know that thereβs an invisible boundary preventing the tributes from killing themselves before the Games. The Capitol wants to see your deaths, so prior suicide is highly loathed by the excited viewers.
The air is chilly, but not cold. You walk across the roof to the edge of the building, resting your elbows on the concrete wall. You canβt see the stars here as the city pollutes the sky with artificial light. The streets, however, provide their own spectacle. And, if you squint hard enough, they almost look like stars. But you quickly feel dumb once youβve done it.Β
The fresh air is nice, despite the lack of stars. It helps to clear your head, ridding your thoughts of your own problems. But whenever your mind manages to stray, youβre reminded of Ruben and how closely he resembles the father he loathes so greatly. Theyβre perfect mirrors of one another β addicted to the Capitolβs attention, abandoning their family to relish in the spotlight of the sadists, and eventually falling victim to addiction. The only difference is that Ruben hadnβt had kids yet. Perhaps he never will, the fear of replication too much to bear. More than that, you wonder if youβll end up like the same way, partying with the Capitolites until youβre unable to walk. Itβs in your blood, you suppose, so youβre sure itβs inevitable. Might as well accept it now, right?
Just as your thoughts begin taking a darker turn, you hear the elevator doors slide open.
You straighten our back, knowing whoever it is must be either a tribute, mentor, or escort and theyβre thereby an enemy to you. As soon as youβre in the arena, whoever they are will be working towards your death.
βYou canβt jump, yβknow.β A rough, female voice says as her footsteps thud across the rooftop toward you. βI heard a rumor that thereβs an invisible field around the building.β
You only look in her direction once sheβs leaned against the railing beside you, her back facing the cityscape. Ellie Williams. The girl who defied the Capitol at her Reaping, the girl who stared at you throughout the Parade, the girl whoβs suddenly pulling out a cigarette.
βWant one?β She asks, catching your gaze.
βDidnβt know those were allowed here.β You respond shortly, turning to face back forward.
βTheyβre not.β Is all she says.
Your lips thin in silent perspicacity, eyes narrowing. βOf course not.β
βWell they canβt arrest me, can they? Itβs too late, they need me in the Games.β She points out, placing the cigarette between her lips. She once again holds one out to you. You shake your head and she shrugs. βItβs not like your lungs will kill you any sooner than the arena will.β βUnless I survive.β You point out.
βThereβs always that, yeah.β She agrees easily, igniting the cigarette with an oddly shaped lighter. It looks oddly familiar to you. She notices your staring and is quick to defend herself. βItβs not mine, itβs Joelβs. So are the cigs. Heβs the one who advised me to smoke in the first place, said itβd helped to ease his nerves before his Games. So I decided βwhy the fuck not?ββ
She inhales deeply, though itβs apparently too deep because she suddenly breaks out into a coughing fit. She spins around to lean on the wall forward-facing.Β
You watch as she struggles for air, the hacking eventually fading to laughter. She straightens, still raspy as she says, βI get that you think youβre better than everyone, but you could at least try to make conversation before weβre shipped off to die. Whatβs the harm?β
βI donβt think Iβm better than everyone.β You respond with a huff.
βMight not think so, but you are.β She says, inhaling once more. She coughs again, though itβs far less riveting than the first time. She exhales the smoke out into the night sky, her breath forming a puffed cloud against the blackness. βYouβre the rich girl, youβll get all the sponsors. Youβre already better off than I am in that sense.β
βYouβll get sponsors just fine, Iβm sure.βΒ
You say, thinking back to her costume in the Parade and the way the Capitol adored it. Exploitation is one of the most used methods to obtain sponsors. If she plays her cards right, she could easily be the newest Diamond. Sheβs attractive and youβd be a fool to deny that.
βNot if youβre hoarding them all.β Says Ellie. You know she doesnβt mean it insultingly, but it still hits you that way. She notices your expression and adds, βIntentional or not, the Capitoli- Uh, Capitol people will be tripping over themselves to get you gifts.β
βWell, if itβs any consolation to you, they wonβt be sent through to me.β You say, because itβs true.
Ruben may be your mentor, but your father is sure to be present in Saint Maryβs Hall β which is where the mentors watch the Games and coordinate sponsorships. Heβs a Diamond and will therefore be permitted entry, especially considering his daughter is a tribute.Β
When Ruben was in the Games, your father had been his mentor and controlled all his sponsorships. Because gifts must first be approved by the mentor prior to being sent into the arena, he had this power. But, the thing is, your father refused a single gift from reaching Ruben. Even when he was dying of dehydration and bloodloss, he refused to let anything through. It created a rift in Saint Maryβs Hall, many sponsors deeming him immoral. He was quick to patch that up, though, as he said heβd been doing it to make his son stronger. Being as skilled as he is at manipulation, the Capitolites were quick to naivety. From there, he was only praised for his thinly veiled neglect.
So, if your father is within the Hall this year β as he likely will be β thereβs no way anything will be sent through to you. Heβll refrain Ruben from permitting gifts and withhold sponsorships completely, purely because he wants his kids to win fair and square. Itβs iniquitous to let you starve, yes, but youβre almost glad for it. Because Ellie is right. If it werenβt for his cruelty, youβd be undeniably hoarding all sponsors from other tributes. Sponsors could send you buffets and magical medicines while all other tributes die out slowly of starvation and lack of medical care. Itβd be the equivalent to cheating the Games and youβll be damned if you win this thing through sponsorships. If you make it out alive, itβll be thanks to you, not the Capitol.
βWonβt be sent through?β Ellie asks. She raises a brow at you, wordlessly inclining you to explain.
Instead of telling her your entire life story, you redirect the subject to one you know sheβll be unable to deny. βActually, I changed my mind. I could use a smoke.β
Ellieβs eyes widen, the corners of her lips twitching as she removes the cigarette from her lips and holds it out to you. You hold it between your index and middle fingers, staring at it with a hint of uncertainty. Itβs unwise to do anything related to addiction, considering your family history. But itβs so tempting and the arena isnβt too far away. Plus, being addicted to smoking cigarettes is far better than your fatherβs alcoholism or Rubenβs drug addiction. Right?
βScared?β Ellie taunts you.
Her gibe is the final push to make you indulge. You scowl at her before placing the cigarette between your lips and inhaling deeply. It seeps into your lungs, burning the back of your throat on the way down. Your head instantly feels wonky, your vision swimming. You hear Ellieβs laughter as you begin coughing just as hard as she had.
You lean against the concrete barrier, resting your forehead on your folded arms to muffle the hacking sounds. Between coughs, you manage, βThat was fucking awful.β
It takes a bit for you to quiet down. The first feeling that you register is queasiness, but then you notice the equanimity. Your maddening thoughts have begun to muffle, pushed to the back of your mind. It only lasts a few seconds though, causing you to already reach for another drag.
βWhatβd you come up here for?β Ellie asks, passing you the cigarette. βYou already know Iβm here to smoke, itβs only fair for you to explain in return.β
βHey, I never asked you for an explanation.β You remind her, inhaling. βI owe you nothing.β
βNo, but youβre using my cigarettes arenβt you?β She points out, a glint of something akin to regalement behind her gaze. βA form of payment is due anyhow.β
βJoelβs cigarettes, you mean.β
βShit,β She curses as you pass it back to her, βI forgot I told you that.β
You huff a laugh, watching as she turns to face the horizon. Not that itβs much of a sight though, what with the buildings plaguing the skyline. Her side profile is illuminated by the dull lighting of the roof. Your eyes trace the slope of her nose, admittedly infatuated by her. You blame it on the nicotine, even more so on the relaxation it causes you.
Ellie drops the cigarette off the roof, pulling a second from her box. While sheβs turned, you begin speaking. Perhaps because itβs easier to talk when you canβt see her face or perhaps the cigs are making you that much more sociable.
βBack home, thereβs nowhere I could go where I couldnβt see the ocean.β You say, causing Ellie to suddenly perk up at your voice. Her eyes flick between your face and her hands as she rushes to light the cigarette. βI rarely spent time in it, always holed up in our house. But the sight of the sparkling water was a comforting constant throughout my life. Itβs odd to be where the water isnβt. Plus, despite not having been in it much, the few memories I do have are enough to satisfy me. Theyβre all good ones.β
βLetβs hear βem.β Ellie says, passing you the lit cigarette.Β
You inhale deeply before speaking, βWell, my first memory of the sea is learning to swim in it. My brother took me. He wasnβt allowed to, but I begged him so he did. He was patient, but laughed at me the entire time, saying I looked like a fish out of water. He claims I was a fast learner, that I picked it up quick. But I can remember the salt in the back of my throat and the way my eyes burned. There was nothing quick about that. I was four and was certain I would die.β
Ellie chuckles, watching you from the side. One arm is rested atop the railing, the other taking the cig from your hand. βHeβs your mentor this year, right? Whatβs that like?β
The question itself is innocent enough, genuine curiosity that comes with getting to know a stranger. But it makes you bristle nonetheless, your shoulders suddenly feeling tense. Not because of Ellieβs question but because of the answer.Β
βItβs horrible.β You could say in regards to the technicalities. The distance between you, the long glances you share, the unsaid apologies. Flashes of his messy hair, bloodshot eyes, and undone blouse pop into your head. βItβs great.β You could say, just as truthfully. This time, youβd be referring to the mentality of his proximity rather than the materialistic things. The comfort that comes with being near him, even amid deafening silence, the odd nostalgia that hits you when heβs sat at the dinner table beside you.
Though, as it turns out, the memory that announces itself most needily is the one most painful β tucking him into bed after heβd taken a few too many pills only a short while ago. Perhaps because it falls under both categories. The horridity of seeing him so disheveled paired with the aching reminder of your father. Though, thereβs still a greatness to it. To feel him lean on you, knowing that youβre actively repaying all heβd done in your shared youth, that he needs you. To hear those three words whispered into the darkness of his room despite knowing theyβre empty of the meaning you covet.
βDid I say something wrong?β Ellie is quick to ask, nervosity to her tone as she picks up on your hesitation. βI didnβt mean to.β
βNo,β You say, βIβm just not sure how to explain it. The duality.β
She hums in recognition. βI get that. I came here with a loved one as well and, uh, it surely didnβt turn out as I thought it would.β
You blink at her, taking the cig from her offered hand. Your thoughts are fuzzy, though just barely enough that you hardly even notice. Itβs nice how youβre still in control of yourself whilst feeling the faraway effects of the nicotine.Β
βRiley, right?β You ask, tilting your head at her as you breathe in the tingly air.
She nods, βYeah. Weβve been best friends since we were nine, inseparable. But, recently, sheβs grown a bit distant. Though she didnβt fully disappear on me until the Reaping. Since then, we havenβt spoken a word to one another.β
βYou looked pretty close during the Parade.β You tell her.
You can vividly recall the image of their intertwined hands coming onto the screens. The crowd cheered as you watched with thinned lips. It was obvious to you what it meant, though the audience remained completely oblivious. You were impressed, at first, by their unapologetic defiance to the Capitol, especially considering it was the second time theyβd done it. But you knew it was a bad idea on their part. Once they're in the arena, the Gamemakers need only press a button to end their lives.
βDidnβt realize you were looking.β Ellie says.
βEveryone was looking.β
She thinks on this before saying, βItβs odd, isnβt it? The lack of privacy. The Parade aside, thereβs always someone looking.β
βI suppose.β You agree.
To you, itβs not such a foreign concept. Even in your own home, you were unallowed to lock doors. Your father claimed that needing solitude was a flaw thatβd lead to vulnerability in social settings. So having privacy was never even a question, though thereβs a vast difference between the possibility of someone walking into your bedroom when compared to being ceaselessly monitored at all times.Β
How someone could ever grow used to being watched nonstop is beyond you. Even in your private bedrooms and bathrooms in your assigned suites, thereβs no way of knowing whether there are cameras. You wonder how Ruben dealt with it, how he still deals with it annually during his mentorship for the past ten years.
Rubenβs Games were twelve years ago, though heβs only been a mentor for ten in total. He was a mentor for two years until your uncle, Theodore, won the 64th Games. Theodore promptly took over the role of mentorship for District Four for the following two years. It was only cut short when he drank himself dead. His second year being a mentor, two children were Reaped and both died brutally in the arena. Heβd blamed himself and ended up committing indirect suicide via alcohol poisoning.
It was a hard toll on everyone. He was always so cheerful, a big round man who was exceedingly vocal about the things he loved. After his Games, though, he changed. He was secluded in a way heβd never been before. To learn that cheery Uncle Theo killed himself was hard on a ten year old. He was your favorite relative after Ruben. You oftentimes wonder what heβd think of your Reaping, how heβd mentor you in place of your brother. Would it be more or less tolerable?
At the thought, you reach for the cigarette. Ellie passes it to you wordlessly.
Youβre grateful for her lack of questions, glad sheβs able to realize when you donβt necessarily wish to speak. Youβre also grateful for the comfortability of her silence. With Ruben, quietude is an awkward endeavour, making the air so thick you feel suffocated. Even with Alice, it feels unnatural. But with Ellie, it feels intrinsic to her company.Β
βShit, itβs probably getting late, huh?β She says after a long time of silence. You look up at the moon, noticing how far itβs risen into the sky. Itβs been about an hour or two since you abandoned your suite for the fresh air. Ellie runs her hands down her jeans as she straightens. βIβve gotta get going before my escort notices Iβm gone. Sheβs super controlling about that kind of thing.β
βYour escort is Tilly Reymond, right?β You ask, recalling the way sheβd approached Alice right before the Parade, referring to her as a sibling would.
βOh yeah,β Ellie says, βYours is Alice.β
You laugh, remembering their conversation from earlier today. They bickered like children. Tilly had come over to ask if Alice was feeling proud of herself for having another L/n Reaped in her lifetime, to which Alice grinned madly and said she did, in fact, feel rather pleased. From there, they did little aside from argue.Β
Their quarrel differs greatly from yours with Ruben. Tilly and Alice are passive aggressive, giving compliments on each otherβs dress whilst eyeing a certain stain or disarranged jewel. You and Ruben, on the other hand, fight as though youβd both rather eat glass than admit the other to be correct. Itβs nasty, throwing insults like daggers. Something youβd both been unfortunate enough to inherit from your parents, presumably. To argue with such animalistic avidity.
βWell,β Ellie says with a small smile to announce her residual need for departing, βMeet me here at the same time tomorrow? Iβll bring some more cigarettes.β
βMore of Joelβs cigarettes.β You correct her with a teasing grin.
She waves a dismissive hand, βYeah, yeah.β
And with that, Ellie Williams walks back inside. Sheβd left you with the cig youβd been smoking, so you remain outside for a little while longer as you work it down to a butt. Your mind reels with tangled thoughts of the Parade, Rubenβs addiction, and Ellieβs laughter. Fuck, itβs been a long day. And tomorrow is bound to be even more taxing.
6:00.
TRAINING CENTER, FLOOR 7.
Ellie hardly slept a wink last night, her dreams full of terrors regarding her upcoming fate. Through wafts of heavy smoke, trees from Seven, and estranged voices, she could barely make out the contents of her slumber. What she could decipher was waking up over and over, only to find sheβs still trapped in a dream.Β
At one point, she was in the arena. As she doesnβt yet know what sheβll be thrown into, her brain concocted the one from last year β which had been won by a girl named Abigail Anderson. It was a rocky terrain, the entire arena on a slope. The tributes were on a mountain, having to find shelter in caves and trees that littered the topography. The tributes in her dream, however, were the ones Reaped this year. She was starving and wounded and struggled to walk on the dampened stone. Other tributes ran past her, their forms abstract and footsteps inhuman. She called for help, only to be ignored by each one. Finally, after what felt like hours of agony, someone crouched down to aid her. Riley. Her best friend and her savior. Except she wasnβt. Instead of propounding assistance, she pulled Ellie to her feet only to shove her back again. Sheβd tumbled down the mountain, eyesight rolling alongside her. The scene shifted.
Sheβd fallen all the way down to the rooftop from last night. The logistics were nonsensical, though that hardly mattered when she took in the state of the unwaking world. From her place of elevation, she was able to overlook the Capitol as sheβd done last night. Though, this time, the buildings were up in flames, people screaming in the streets with scorched flesh and mutilated bodies. She attempted to run to the elevator, only to find that her feet were manacled to the floor. She fought with futility against the chains until her ankles were bruised and blistered from the unforgiving metal. Somehow, due to unconscious malarkey, she could see the Capitolites as though she were looking through a pair of binoculars. Their faces, distorted and pained. Their hair, scorched and lacking in their tell-tale extravagance. Then she saw a familiar face. Riley, crumpled on the ground just as Ellie had been when they were on the mountain. Riley reached up, begging for help. Ellie lurched at the sight, though she was still bound to the rooftop. Riley was pleading with someone. Ellie followed her gaze to see you, leaned back coolly against a brick building with a cigarette hanging from your lips. Herβ Well, Joelβs cigarette. You helped Riley to her feet, only to shove her to the ground. It was a perfect mirror of what Riley had done to Ellie. Only this time, the shove caused her to be trampled by the huge crowd of panicked people that plagued the streets. Her body was crushed under the people until she was naught but a heap of meat and tissue.
Ellie awoke with a jolt, her chest heaving.Β
Those were the only two dreams she could accurately recall. All the rest were blurred and distorted by the others. But she knows there were more, so many more. The scene kept shifting, antagonizing her relentlessly. Flashes of Rileyβs face, both pleading and cruel. Of your face, imbued by that same duality. Of Joelβs or Marleneβs or even Tillyβs. Her mind was a horrid, callous place and she never wanted to think of the terrors again.
Though, as it turns out, her luck ran out rather quickly. The trepidation of her dreams followed her all the way down to the training rooms below ground level. Joel and Tilly brought she and Riley down, the group of them comfortably conversing in the elevator. Even Riley joined in, though Ellie couldnβt. Her head was still reeling, though sheβd woken an hour prior. She wonders if sheβs still in a dream, only this time with sentience.
She chews at her nails as the elevator opens to reveal a wide, metallic hallway with two heavy doors at the end. Above them is a sign reading, Tribute Training Rooms. She removes her fingers from her face, stuffing her hands in her pockets.Β
βHey,β She feels a heavy hand on her shoulder, causing her to jerk away. She turns to see Joel standing beside her as Tilly and Riley leave them in favor of entering the training rooms. βYouβre actinβ weird today.β
βOh,β She breathes, willing herself to relax, βItβs nothing, just on edge. I guess.β
He nods, pulling her over to a shadowy corner of the hall. βDid the cigarettes work? Yβknow, for your nerves.β
βUh, yeah, actually.β She says. βIn fact, Iβve been meaning to talk to you about that.β
Just then, the elevator doors creak open and another pair of tributes walk out with their mentor and escort. She recognizes them to be from Eleven, only able to remember because thatβs the Reaping that Riley stormed off after.Β
Theyβre the two kids, their mentor being Dina Woodward who won the 66th Games at age thirteen. Sheβs infamously kind to her younger tributes as sheβs able to relate to their youth. The Capitol is split directly in half, one portion adoring her for the empathy whilst the opposing portion loathes her for it.
As they walk past, Dina offers Joel a kind nod that he returns. She pushes the heavy double doors open, holding them ajar for her little tributes to saunter through. Joel only turns back to Ellie after Dina has shut the door behind them.
βYa have to be more careful.β He tells her harshly. βIf anyone, even Dina, overheard that youβre smokinβ in the Capitol, we could get into a shitload oβ trouble. Me specifically, since they canβt do anythinβ to you before the Games. But still.β
βI get it.β Ellie scoffs. βI didnβt even say anything while she was out here, anyway.β
βWell still.β He crosses his arms. βWhatβd ya wanna ask me?β
βWhyβre you helping me?β She inquires, eyes narrowing in distrust. βYou were a complete dick when we first met and now youβre giving me illegal solutions to help my nerves. Why even bother if you think Y/n will kill me?β
Joel sighs through his nose, leaning back. βI had a talk with a friend last night.β
βAt the dinner party?β
βYep.β He concurs. βShe kinda lit into me βnβ said I need to at least try with my tributes. See, I wouldn't usually take such hard criticism, but tβ argue with Teresa Servopoulos is a fuckinβ death wish.β
βThatβs..β Ellie trails off, trying hard to remember which District sheβs from. But her mind is blank. She knows Tess is a mentor, which would explain her presence at the dinner party last night, but Ellie canβt seem to recall anything else about her.
βDistrict Three.β Joel says, picking up on Ellieβs contemplation. βVictor βf the 55th Games.β
βOh yeah.β She says. βShe won the year before you did.β
βYeah, sheββ
Joel is cut off by the elevator doors opening again. From them, District Twoβs crew exits. Ellie stiffens at the sight of Abigail Andersonβs strong build. The braided girl scowls at Joel, her gaze so sharp it could cut through the tension thatβs suddenly accumulated within the hall. Had Ellie not just had that funky dream about Abigailβs arena, sheβd likely have not thought anything of her presence. But she did and so she does.
She won last yearβs Games, taking over mentorship from Melanie Moore. Abigailβs victory allowed Melanie to move to District Ten, where she instantly wed Owen Moore β winner of the 70th Games. Their relationship gathered a lot of attention from the Capitol as people gushed over their love story, much to Melanieβs distaste. This year is the first time in seven years that Melanie isnβt the mentor for Two. Which is a shame because the tributes appear to have already picked up Abigailβs insolence. Lev and Yara walk shoulder to shoulder, glaring at Joel just as their mentor is.
Joel frowns, though he seems more upset than angry at their show of distaste. Once theyβve entered the training rooms, Ellie turns to him. βGeez, whatβs her problem?β
βUh,β He pauses, thinking on how best to explain, βHer father, Jerry, was Reaped the same year that I was. And, well, only one victor can win, soββ
βI get it.β Ellie nods, feeling a sense of solemnity to his tone. Itβs unsettling to hear from such a naturally rough man. Joelβs Games were aired when Ellie was three years old, so she doesnβt recall much from them. The Capitol replays highlights from past Games, but itβs not the same. She knows only what the Capitol deems important β his most brutal kill, him running in the opposite direction from the Cornucopia, and his final kill. Jerry Anderson isnβt among that.
βCβmon, kid.β Joel says, clearing his throat awkwardly. βLetβs go.β
Ellie nods, following him down the hall to the training rooms. The interior is exactly like the outside, a big metal box made of tile, glass, and concrete. A large circle is formed at the center of the room, all the tributes and their corresponding mentors and escort encircling an athletic man whoβs preaching explanations, schedules, and rules for training here. There are stations set all around, an expert in each skill located there, willing to offer help to the tributes. The escorts and mentors all leave once the instructions are finished.
Ellie watches them depart. The crowd of them is plagued with ambivalence; the escorts exude an air of wealth and elegance reserved only for someone raised in the Capitol, whereas the mentors exude strength, honor, and dignity reserved for killers who won past Games via brutality.Β
As the doors close behind them, she watches through the cracks as pairs are formed. She sees Joel and Tess begin talking with a blonde woman she recognizes to be Maria Miller β she married into Joel's family by marrying his little brother. Joel doesnβt talk about him much. Abigail and Owen also seem to instantly turn to each other, as do Tilly and Alice. And, before she can see any other duo, the doors close fully. She turns back around to see the rest of the circle has dispersed.
Her instinct is to look for Riley, though she quickly discards that instinct and walks over to an empty station without reading what itβs for. A short, hoary man welcomes her to the plant section. She withholds a sigh, now realizing why it was empty. Everyone else fled to the weapons.
βPlants are much more important that most people realize, you see.β Says the old man, picking up a small bunch of berries. βWhat does this look like?β
βThatβs nightlock.β She says.
βOh, uh-β The manβs brow furrows.
Itβs clear he was expecting her to say βThose look like blueberries, I would totally eat them!β but she didnβt. Ellie hunted in the woods in Seven often enough to know her way around which plants are and aren't edible. She feels bad for the man, as she looks clearly upset. Itβs not her fault, though, she hadnβt meant to come over here.
βWhat are nightlock berries?β Asks a small voice from beside her. Ellie jolts at the sudden presence of another, turning to face the owner of the voice. A small girl with dark skin and coiled hair stands to her side. Sheβs from Eleven, one of Dina Woodwardβs tributes.Β
βOh, Iβm glad you asked.β The old man grins. βNightlock is a wild plant that grows small purple berries below its pointed leaves. Theyβre extremely poisonous to anyone who eats them. Youβd be dead before they even reach your stomach.β
βWoah,β The girl whispers, looking at the pomes with wide eyes. βI never wouldβve guessed such little things could cause such big reactions.β
The man chuckles, βYes, nightlock is not something to underestimate.β
As the two of them fall into a long conversation about plants, Ellie slowly backs away from the scene and exits the station. She knows well enough not to sit at stations she doesnβt need to sit at, doing so would be a waste of everyoneβs time. But then again, perhaps it was a good thing. Everyone is learning, yes, but theyβre also watching. She feels the careersβ eyes pinned to her as she exits the plant station. Everyone is observing everyone, learning their weaknesses and strengths.
For Ellie to walk into the plant section first, theyβll assume she knows nothing about it. Theyβll underestimate her. And, much like the poisoned berries, itβs a foolish thing to do. An idea pops into her head as she walks over to the archery section.
A few other people are there, she counts three. Henry from Three, showing his little brother how to aim an arrow at a target; Ariadne from Five, whoβs hitting the bullseye each time; and the other little kid from Eleven, whose name Ellie doesnβt know, attempting to hold the bow with both hands. See, just from gazing across the space, sheβs gathered enough information to be considered valuable. Ariadne Evans is a beast with a bow, Henry will likely be trying to teach Sam to use every weapon possible, and the little Eleven boy is horrible at long range.
Ellie walks over to the table, grabs a bow and quiver, then positions herself in front of one of the targets. The instructor offers assistance, though she refuses it easily. She feels a pair of eyes on her, though she doesnβt dare turn around. Every instinct in her body screams to hit the bullseye, to show off. But thatβd be useless. Then her strengths would be revealed.
She positions the bow in her hand, holding it out a bit crookedly. She places the arrow on the string, purposely messing up a few times. Then, with both eyes open and her back slightly hunched, she releases the arrow. It clatters against the floor and Ellie huffs, feigning annoyance. She does this three more times before setting the bow and quiver on the table and storming off, appearing to have given up on archery.
As she leaves the station, she does a quick assessment. Three people had been watching her. Nolan Barlowe from Ten β the buff guy who looked overjoyed to have been Reaped. Thalia Thatcher from One β the younger sister of the 68th victor. And, finally, you. The literal best people to have put an impression on. You three are the most threatening. If sheβs underestimated, all the better.
Youβre leaned against the wall, arms crossed as you observe everyone with sharp eyes. She fights a smile at the sight. You look the polar opposite of who sheβd smoked with last night. Your gaze remains steady as you eye her from across the room.Β
Right. Youβre not supposed to know each other aside from brief passing.Β
She is amused by your technique, though itβs the single most cockiest thing sheβd ever seen. Youβre not training with everyone else, instead opting to watch as though youβre superior. It exudes the idea that you donβt need to train, which Ellie assumes is the case.Β
She walks over to another station, struggling to ignore the way your eyes follow her every move. The station happens to be spear throwing β which wonβt be hard for her to suck at because she does suck at it. Throwing the overlarge stick over her head and hitting a target? Yeah, itβs not exactly something she practices back in Seven. Thereβs no need to spear while hunting as it just damages the meat. Had there been any bodies of water in her District, which thereβs not, sheβd perhaps have learned it through fishing.Β
She vaguely wonders if youβre good with a spear, being from Four and all. She then recalls what youβd said about not being in the ocean much. God, it pisses her off how secretive you are. Thereβs a fifty-fifty chance that you know how to spear. Youβve clearly trained a lot, so youβve likely practiced with it. But also, she knows you went to the ocean sparingly.
Two other people are at the spear station β Nolan Barlowe, and an old man she doesnβt recognize at all. She doesnβt even remember him being Reaped. Oh. He must be from Twelve because she hadnβt watched their program when it aired.
He watches her with a glint of something unreadable in his eye. It makes her stomach churn as she grabs a spear.
There are human-shaped mannequins against the wall for tributes to practice hitting. Nolan sees Ellie and scoffs under his breath. At first, it irritates her. But then she remembers this is her plan: look weak and be underestimated. She sighs, feigning recluse toward his show of disregard. He keeps his eyes locked on hers as he throws the spear without looking, the blade wedging right between the mannequinβs eyes. She swallows, this time not needing to feign her unease. I mean, seriously, who practices with a spear in their freetime?
Ellie shifts as the two men practice on either side of her. She adjusts the spear in her grasp, dramatizing her oblivion.Β
Do I hold it with one or two hands? She thinks to herself. The fuck do I do with my elbows?Β
With a grunt, she throws the spear at the target. She shocks herself when the blade wedges in the mannequinβs heart. Sheβd fully expected to miss. Nolanβs brows furrow in curiosity. Ellie grabs another spear, desperately needing to undo what sheβd just done. She holds it the same way as before, muttering under her breath to remember how exactly sheβd done it. She then tosses it halfheartedly, the spear landing three feet in front of the mannequin. She frowns and Nolan chuckles.
βI knew it was just beginnerβs luck.β He says with a scoff, causing the man from Twelve to chuckle. Ellie sighs, fighting the urge to argue with him. Instead, she scowls at them both as though sheβs terribly offended, then storms off.Β
The next hour in the training rooms is spent doing the same thing. Sometimes, she actually feels like she could get the hang of some weapons. She finds herself quite enjoying small throwing knives, though she purposely drops them when she notices herself getting better with them. She also, shockingly enough, is good at just straight up hitting things. Sheβd used a crowbar as a weapon and scared the trainer, who was forced to take a few steps back to avoid being injured.
Sheβs noticed other tributesβ traits as well. Nolan hasnβt left the spear station, so itβs likely heβs only good at one thing. After half an hour in the archery section, Ariadne left to practice with a mace. And, terrifying as she is, sheβs even better at that than with a bow, swinging it around like it weighs nothing. Ellie was also proven correct when she watched Henry escort Sam to each station, instructing him on how to use every weapon. Lev and Yara are both scary with a bow as well, having even better aim than Ellie herself. The couple, Roland and Archie, donβt dare stray a foot from one another, bound together at the hip. Sheβs also noticed that Riley has been trying different stations, though sheβs careful not to be near the one Ellie is currently at. Sheβs stayed away from the axes, not daring to show off her skill with them just yet.
Ellie is walking over to the fire-making station when she feels a tap on her shoulder. She whips around to see you standing behind her, finally having peeled away from your wall. Your gaze is steady as you watch her, looking every bit the threat you are.
βI need a partner at the combat station.β You tell her easily, casually. As though youβd never spoken before. Ellie gets flashbacks to doing this exact same act with Cat at the Remake Center. It makes her chest cave.
βAnd Iβm your first choice?β She asks.
Everyoneβs eyes are pinned to the two of you, though Ellie knows theyβre far more interested in you than her. You havenβt left your wall for the entire hour of training, watching everyone with such closeness that thereβs a heavy weight in the air. Youβve done naught but observe. Itβs truly no shock that they all find it impossible to look away.
βYes.β You say easily, your voice deceptively smooth.
She narrows her eyes, desperately trying to read what youβre thinking. Is it not foolish to be talking at all? Sheβd thought you two came to a silent agreement that speaking would give away your recent rendezvous. She continues to stare at you. But youβre a closed book, thoughts cryptic. But then you tilt your head at her, inclining her to reply.
Ellie shrugs, βWhy not?β
With a threateningly alluring grin, you begin walking toward the large mats set to the side of the room. Ellie trails behind you. Nobody has used the mats yet, leaving the instructor to be sleeping in her chair. You kick off your shoes before stepping up to the ring. Ellie unlaces hers, taking a few moments longer than you did.
Sheβs still clueless on your logistics to this, to training with her. Youβre the most feared. The tactic of refusing to show your strengths was honestly the smartest thing you could have done in your position, in spite of the clear show of pride. If you were to train with someone, itβd make best sense if you were to do so with your fellow tribute, though Remy is too small to fairly practice hand-to-hand with. Or you could train with the second strongest tribute present, which would either be Nolan or Ariadne. Or, possibly, the weakest, which would beβ Oh. Well, shit. Itβs Ellie. Perhaps she took her strategy too seriously. Yes, the children from Eleven are weaker than she is, but itβd be unfair for you to beat them up. Ellie is a year older than you and thereby your best option.
βNo damage to the face.β You tell her as she pulls herself up onto the mat.
She looks around. A crowd has formed around the ring, everyone yearning to see you in action. Ellie feels a sense of pride at knowing sheβs the one who gets to fight you. She turns to face you, realizing she has two options. She could keep up her weak facade, causing everyone to continue to underestimate her so she can easily sneak up in the arena β which is the wiser of the two. Or she can reveal that sheβs not the useless girl sheβs pretending to be β which is more satisfying.Β
Ellie squares her shoulders, already coming to a decision. Fuck, her dignity will be the death of her.
βWouldnβt dream of it.β She replies.
You chuckle, bouncing on the balls of your feet. βGood to hear.β
Ellie holds up her fists, not at all knowing how to approach this. Are you a tackler or..? She knows that Marlene likes to keep her distance, dodging more than she punches. She knows that Riley uses her legs more than most people, sweeping or kicking her opponent. But youβre a mystery to her, to everyone. Do you rely on offense or defense more heavily? She knows Marlene usesβ
Her thoughts are cut off by a blow to her gut. Ellie hunches over, not having even noticed you moving in on her. Sheβs quick to recover, though her stomach aches from your punch.Β
The crowd remains silent as you two begin to circle each other, holding their breaths in anticipation.Β
She watches you, taking in the way you step and the way your fists are idly positioned in front of you. But youβre giving no signs toward your next move, completely closed off. She decides to make the move this time, aiming for your jaw despite her agreement of βNo damage to the faceβ. You evade her easily, light on your feet as you back out of her reach.Β
Ellie comes forward, attacking again. Sheβs fast. Fast enough that youβre unable to dodge her fist to your ribs. Breath is forced from your lungs at the impact. Ellie is momentarily proud of herself. But that's before she realizes all she managed to do was rile you up.
Your leg collides with her side before she registers the movement. The same side that youβd punched in the beginning. While sheβs still catching her breath, you grab her by the arm and twist it around her back. She grunts at the ache in her shoulder.Β
Your lips caress the shell of her ear as you whisper, βI knew you were a good pick.β before then shoving her hard in the back, sending her stumbling forward.
Sheβs quick to spin around to face you. It pisses her off to see that you appear unmoved, standing in the same spot as before without so much as a hair out of place. You move with fluidity, like a dance. More than that, youβre calculative. You already know Ellieβs style.Β
You close in on her, reeling your arm back and aiming for the face. Apparently, youβve both abandoned the agreement. Ellie ducks under your fist, taking advantage of your unprotected stomach, punching you hard in the gut. Exactly where youβd hit her. Itβs childish, but it makes her feel a sense of satisfaction as you buckle over.
The satisfaction is short lived as your ankle is suddenly coming at her face. She twists, grabbing you by the calf and using her own leg to sweep you off your feet. Your back slams against the mat. Hard. Ellie stands over you with a shit eating grin.Β Β
βStill think Iβm a good pick?β She asks, crouching to taunt you. Youβre splayed across the mat, chest heaving. Sweat clings to your hairline, your lips parted. Ellieβs stomach flips at the sight, though sheβs careful not to show it.
A smirk tugs at your lips, βI knew you werenβt weak.β
βIs that why you chose me?β She chuckles. βTo prove to yourself thatββ
She's cut off when both your feet fly into her stomach. She coughs, staggering backward as you hop to your feet. Youβre instantly on her, hands on her shoulders before you drive your knee into her gut. Once. Twice. Three times before Ellie notices your face has been left unguarded by your busy hands. Her fist collides with your jaw. Your head snaps to the side. Sheβs quick to use your momentary shock to her advantage, tackling you to the ground.
You slam against the mat, on your back once more. This time, sheβs wise enough to hold you down. Ellieβs knees are on either side of your torso as she pins your wrists above your head. You pant heavily as she grins down at you. You scowl up at her, brows contorted into a furrow. But then, all at once, your expression does a 180 and youβre smirking with just as much titillation as she. You squirm under her, causing Ellieβs grip to tighten on your wrists.
βYβknow,β You say through heavy breaths of exertion, βIf it werenβt for our current situation, this could be a rather fun position.β
Ellieβs face flushes, her eyes widening. Her focus slips and your grin widens. Unbeknownst to her, that was your only intention β to get her to slip up, to be taken aback just long enough for you to change the game. You buck your hips hard enough to roll her over. You straddle her waist as Ellie pants beneath you, glaring.Β
βThat wasnβt fair.β She says.
βIt worked, though, did it not?β You point out with a grin. She groans, tipping her head back against the mat in defeat. She can feel every movement you make, your bodies close enough together that sheβs sure you could count the freckles on her face, if you so desired. βWhatβs your next plan, Williams?β
βIβm thinking.β She grunts. βI could headbutt you, but thatβd damage your face.β
βOh, so now you care about that.β
βI donβt want your stylist killing me in my sleep.βΒ
βAh, sheβs far too kind for that.β
βIs she?βΒ
Ellie thinks of Cat, wondering what sheβd make of this. Do you have a similar relationship with your stylist? She doubts it. What she and Cat have is highly illegal and could result in both of them being turned to Avoxes if they were ever found out. Youβre far too reputable to risk such a thing. But then again, most stylists barely even talk to their tributes.Β
She wonders, wonders, and wonders when it comes to you. A mystery, you are. An enigmatic book so foreign to her sheβs unsure where to even begin to read you. The words blur and the page numbers shuffle, forming an unintelligible story left unread by all.Β
βWhat an odd tone, that was.β You say. Ellie hopes youβre unwise enough to not recognize it as jealousy. To imagine you with your stylist as she was with hers is a sight she wishes to remain as such an enigma.
βI yield.β Ellie says, cutting the conversation short via surrender.
The crowd hums with conversation. Everyone knew you would win anyway, though theyβre shocked at the fight Ellie was willing to put up against you. They disperse as you climb to your feet, offering Ellie your hand. She takes it, standing.
She briefly catches the sight of Rileyβs face as sheβs pulled up. Scowling, condescending. Not at all an expression one would reserve for their lifelong best friend. It makes her stomach twist and she quickly releases your hand. You donβt seem to think much of it, walking over to put your shoes back on. She does the same.Β
And with that, you part ways as strangers. Which, with or without the rooftop acquaintance taken into consideration, is technically true.
21:37.
TRAINING CENTER, FLOOR 4.
βDid I or did I not say to avoid any type of combat?β Ruben asks, trying desperately to keep his tone level as he reprimands you for the bruise on your jaw. The moment you walked into the suite, he rushed to freak out over it whilst Alice gaped dramatically.
βI won.β You argue back, scowling at them both. βPlus, itβs not like I was hiding some big secret. They all know I can fight.β
βYeah, well now they know your technique.β He says, pinching his nose in annoyance. βThey know what youβd do in certain situations. They know if you prefer offense or defense, if you use your upper or lower body more, if youββ
βI get it.β You butt in, crossing your arms over your chest.
βDo you? Because it doesn't seem like you do.β Ruben snaps.Β
Heβs been, frankly, acting odd all day. You wonder if it has something to do with last nightβs dinner. You want to ask about it, sitting at the foot of his bed with bright eyes as he speaks about his issues. But you canβt do that, no longer on that level of relation with him.Β
You frown at him, fists clenching at your sides. βYouβre not my fucking parent. Iβm an adult and can handle the Games how I damn well please.β
βWell if you die, thatβs on me. Thatβs my guilt to carry.β
Of fucking course. It only makes sense that heβs only interested in how your death would affect him, how guilty he would feel. Not once does he think of his little sister who would be the dead one, buried six feet under the dirt.
βGreat. Then you add my death to your fucking sob story.β You seethe. βCry about it to your Capitol friends, maybe theyβll make you some new drugs.β
Ruben opens and closes his mouth a few times. His eyes are wide, clearly offended by your comment. A mixture of satisfaction and repent swirls within your gut, creating a recipe for cataclysm. You know thisβll end one of two ways β you and Ruben will get into a screaming match, taking after your parents in all the worst ways, or one of youβll storm off and subsequently not talk for a long time. Both options result in misery, so you allow Ruben to make the choice.
Aliceβs jaw is hanging open, resembling some sort of a fish gasping for air. She appears absolutely appalled by your audacity to insult Ruben in such a way. It takes everything in you not to wipe that expression clean off her face.
βYou say some really fucked up shit when youβre mad.β Ruben says, voice quiet. βYβknow who else used to do that?β
You say nothing, already knowing his answer. You hope your lack of indulgence will prevent him from saying the name, but it doesnβt. He speaks it nonetheless, spit with such venom that your jaw twitches.
βYour father.β
Something deep in your chest yearns to lash out again, to bear your words like daggers ready to slice him open with their cruelty. Itβs an insatiable, carnal desire thatβs followed you all your life, looming over you like a shadow. Anger is so quick to wrap his hands around your throat, so hasty in pulling the strings like a sadistic puppeteer. You only now register that itβs not Anger causing this, itβs you. The blood in your veins and the nitrogenous bases in your DNA that tether you to your father. Thereβs nobody, nothing else to inculpate aside from your own heritage.
You crave the sweet release of shouting at him, imagining the hurt look on his face. Despite knowing the satisfaction wonβt last long before guilt replaces it, you still want it. To inevitably hurt the ones you love, what a curse that is.
As said, there are two options from here and you take the latter. With a heavy huff of anger and a clenched jaw, you turn on your heel and storm out of the suite. Youβre on the rooftop before youβre even able to register how youβd gotten there.
You were supposed to be here half an hour ago, having promised Ellie to meet at the same time as last night. You desperately hope she hasnβt left yet, for you really want a cigarette.
βLook who finally showed up.β her voice is heard before her form is seen. You turn toward it to see Ellie leaned against the railing opposite of the one youβd occupied the night prior. Fair skin and freckles dance under the silver moonlight cast upon them, auburn hair a flame against the darkness.
She already has it lit between her fingers and you refrain from lunging toward it.Β
You wave off her comment, walking toward her.βYeah something came up.β
βSuch as?β
βA desperate need for some food.β You lie. βDidnβt mean to take so long, Capitol meals are just too good to turn down.β
Ellie chuckles, mindlessly passing you the cig. You take it, placing it in your mouth with an animalistic hunger that only causes her laughter to grow laced with amusement. The smoke fills your lungs and clouds your head, a momentary sense of tranquility washing over you. It causes the sting from Rubenβs words to not burn so much, easing the wound heβd left like intangible ointment.
You begrudgingly pass it back to Ellie, staring at her as she inhales. There arenβt any bruises on her face, which is rather unfair as youβre certain you got a lot of punches in. Well, you suppose they were mostly aimed at her stomach and ribs. Shame.
βWhyβd you choose me?β She says into the chilled night air, breath fogged. It takes you a moment to realize what exactly sheβs referring to.
βAs a combat partner?β
βYeah,β She confirms, βIf you wanted strong, you couldβve asked Nolan or Ariadne. If you wanted weak, you could have asked Selene or Elliot.β
βI didnβt want them, though. I wanted you.β
Her mouth twitches at this, though she simply speaks, βBut why?β βBecause I knew your frailty was an act.β You shrug, swiping the cig from her. βYouβre a good actor, a great one even. But I know what it looks like to enjoy something. And you really enjoyed that archery station. The spear and the crowbar too, just not as much. And, oh, how could I forget your cute little plant section?β
βOkay, stalker.β She huffs as you laugh.Β
βI was watching everyone, Ellie. Donβt feel too special.β
βAwh,β She feigns a pout, βI was just beginning to.β
Itβs comfortable here, on a roof of solace. Itβs like a secret oasis shielded away from the rest of the world, obtained only by the two of you. Itβs nice, perhaps too nice. Youβve formed a bad habit of distrusting things when they grow too good to believe. As you pass the cigarette back to Ellie, your mind comes up with countless scenarios of how this could end β you get caught, cast out of the games, and turned into tongueless Avoxes; or maybe you donβt get caught, become good friends, then youβre forced to kill her in the arena. No matter how this goes, the ending is the same. Inevitable loss of comfort.Β
Ellie remains silent beside you, comfortable in the lack of conversation. She overlooks the city, the lights reflecting within her viridescent eyes. You imagine the way the light will leave them in the arena. Because, amid the infinite scenarios in your mind, thereβs not a single one that entails you losing the games. Whether youβre the one to take Ellieβs life or not, she wonβt live.
βWhereβd you learn to fight?β You ask, desirous for an off-switch to your thoughts.
Ellieβs eyes remain on the scene below as she responds. βThe higher Districts might train for the games, but the lower ones are taught to defend themselves.β
βFrom what?β
βAnything?β She shrugs. βEverything.β
You hadnβt thought of it that way, as an act of defense. Of course youβre aware thatβs what fighting is for. But you were raised into thinking it was a fact of life β youβd been expected to know how to take an enemy down at the age of seven. You were trained to fight with Ruben before you used the holograms.Β
βWell who was your practice partner?β You ask. βBack in seven.β
You hadnβt thought much of the question, though it causes Ellieβs expression to falter. Her lips tighten as she passes you the cigarette. βIt was interchangeable between my caretaker and Riley.β
Oh. Okay yeah, that was your fault. Youβd completely forgotten about her stifled relationship with her best friend. Guilt traces up your spine. You want to ask what she means by caretaker, but you decide against prying for more information.Β
Although sheβs good at hiding it, Ellieβs expression is rather dejected. At the sight, you feel the need to offer a fair trade. To give her information about yourself thatβs not so easy.
βMine was my brother.β You say softly, turning toward the city before inhaling the smoke. Itβs her turn to stare at you while you observe the city. Her eyes bore into the side of your face and you fight the urge to look at their greenery.
βAre you guys, uh,β She trails off, sounding unsure on how to approach this. βWhatβs your relationship like? Currently, I mean. Youβ well, I know you used to be close because you said he took you to the ocean as a kid. And, uh,βΒ
Her rambling makes you laugh, lightening the ache in your chest.
βWeβre not so close anymore.β You admit, passing. Her brows furrow, clearly wanting to ask more. You appreciate her forbearing from doing so, though you know she deserves honesty. If you wish to pry as much as you do, you canβt expect to not return such an endeavour. In a much quieter voice, you speak, βHe wasnβt the same after his Games.β
Ellie frowns, βI wouldnβt expect anyone to be, considering what the tributes are put through.β
βYeah,β You sigh, βIt was just, really bad.β
She nods in understanding, though you know she doesnβt exactly have many details. βIβve lost people too.β
βReally?β
βI mean, I was a baby but yeah.β She says, quick to undermine her own losses in comparison to yours. Itβs endearing. βBoth my parents passed when I was an infant. I was raised by my momβs best friend, Marlene. Sheβs cool and all butβ Well, sheβs not my mom. And she makes no effort to act as one.β
Youβre quick to recall Ellie referring to Marlene as her caretaker. Well, now you know why.
Ellie turns, looking out at the horizon. Her face is illuminated by the moonlight, smoothing her skin and shining her hair. She breathes out a cloud of smoke, clouding the cool air.
Youβre not sure what to say, unused to having people confide in you. Are you supposed to tell her more about yourself as to relate to what sheβs saying? Or would that be self-centered? Just as youβre about to spew out a random response, Ellie speaks up, swiftly changing the topic. Thankfully.
βI donβt tell many people emotional shit like that.β She admits. βBut, for some reason, thatβs all you and I seem to talk about β sentimental crap.β She then turns back to face you, your eyes meeting for a moment. Something passes between you, her gaze sharp but in a watchful way rather than a predatory one. She hands you the cigarette. βTell me something about you. Something conversational.β
βLike what?βΒ
βWhatβs your favorite color? Whoβs your biggest inspiration? Whatβre your hobbies?β She lists off, counting each point on her fingers.Β
βI donβt really have hobbies.β You say, huffing a laugh. βDonβt have time for them.β
βThatβs impossible, everyone has hobbies.β
You hum as you inhale the smoke, thinking. You truly canβt think of anything. Youβre normally too busy with your motherβs training or retrieving game from mister Alden. When you finally think of something, itβs from your past. Long before Ruben left, when you were allowed to be a kid. βI used to enjoy writing poetry when I was younger, though it was no good.β
βSee, thatβs a great hobby.β Ellie smiles encouragingly, nudging your shoulder.Β
βOkay, then. Whatβs yours?β You redirect, narrowing your eyes at her.
She grins even wider, already knowing her answer. βHunting, gardening, doodling, painting, reading comicββ
βPainting?β You ask, mildly shocked by this.
βI mean, itβs the one I do the least out of them all, butββ βWhat do you paint?β
Her brows raise at your sudden interest. βDepends on the day. Sometimes I paint people, though I can never get the proportions right so I only end up pissed at myself by the end. Sometimes I paint abstractly, but I can never figure out what the end result depicts because itβs just a big burst of colors and vague shapes. Ninety percent of the time, theyβre landscapes. Of the woods, of the road by my house, of the abandoned mill. Anything, really.β
βHm, I didnβt really take you as a painter.β
βIβm not, really. I mostly just doodle in my notebook.β She says. βI only paint when I want to create something bigger than the journalβs confines.β
βIs that what you brought with you? Into the arena?β
βNo. That would've been a good idea, though.β She shakes her head, clearly disappointed in herself for not having thought of that before you.Β
βWhatβd you bring, then?β You ask. She holds out her hand in response. On her right index finger resides a thick metal ring, shaped as a moth. The creatureβs wings wrap around her finger, body thin. Itβs so intricate, so detailed. You lean closer to get a better look. βIs it a family heirloom or something?β
βNo, uh,β She falters as she decides on how to answer. You straighten, still looking at the ring even after her hands have been dropped back down to her sides. βItβs from a friend.β
βSo is mine.β You tell her before reaching up to touch your necklace. Ellie looks at it, eyes tracing the line of your collarbone all the way down to the pearl pendant. She reaches out, fingertips grazing the thin chain. Her hands are cold, causing your breath to hitch. She notices and is quick to pull her hands away, clearing her throat awkwardly.
She turns back toward the Capitol, you do the same. The city is asleep, the lights all turned off in the windows as the streets are naked of vehicles. You wonder if thereβs a curfew, though you doubt it. Capitolites rarely have rules.
You imagine yourself living here, residing in an overpriced home that you wonβt be charged a penny for. Youβd be tended to by a vast quantity of Avoxes, never hearing any of their voices. The home would be yours to keep and yours to design. Thereβd be blue everywhere, subtle reminders of your life back at Four and the salty ocean that mister Alden would put through each visit on his skiff. The thought sounds nice at first, the luxury of it all. But the finer details β owning people, never seeing the ocean again β those are what get you. Not to mention all the parties youβd have to attend. All Capitolites are made to attend the more prestigious parties, mandatory under President Fedraβs decree. But then another thought crosses your mind. Youβd have to win the Games first. To even be pondering on your life after them, youβll have to survive before all else. The idea sickens you as it never has before. At first, you think itβs because you'll have to kill people, a thought thatβs never sat right in regards to your morals. But then, as Ellie passes you the cigarette, the cool metal of her ring brushing your finger, you realize itβs not only that. Itβs not the fact that youβll have to kill people. Itβs the fact that you'll have to kill her.
[post] notes!! i'm gonna be so fr, i only edited half of this chapter bc its SO fucking longggg (sorry ab that btw). i normally try to reread & edit as i go, but i seem to have abandoned that process #whoopsies!!
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#vxsellie !#ellie the last of us#ellie tlou#ellie williams#ellie willams x reader#ellie williams x female reader#ellie x fem reader#ellie x reader#ellie x you#lesbian#sapphic#wlw#the hunger games#thg#thg series#thg fanfiction#hunger games#au#fanfic#alternate universe
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Summary: you have an anxiety attack and he comforts you
Content: depictions of anxiety and panic, comfort, fluff, established relationship. Brief mentions of blood but nothing graphic
A/N / Disclaimer: I lowkey hate this π₯² but if you struggle sometimes like I do, hereβs how I think Leon would help you (I think he knows what heβs doing because heβs been through them too π₯Ί). Little disclaimer that everyone is probably different and I just wrote based on the anxiety experiences I have. Sending love and hugs to anyone who deals with anxiety everythingβs gonna be ok <3 muah k luv you bye
Β· Β· ββββββ Β·π₯ΈΒ· ββββββ Β· Β·
Longest day of your life. Youβre more exhausted than a mother of five in a coffee shortage. Yet here you are, lying awake, stiff as a board in your bed, staring at the ceiling. A car goes by on the street outside, the light filtering in through the blinds and casting shadowed stripes across the walls and ceiling. You swear you can hear the ticking of the clock in the kitchen from here, and you let out a puff of air through pursed lips.
Itβs driving you insane.
How many hours past midnight have you counted again? Oh right, 20 minutes. You feel like youβve been lying here for eons, counting the even breathes beside you. Youβre a little jealous watching Leon sleep peacefully beside you. Usually this is a him problem, and not yours. Not even the consistent, rhythmic rise and fall of his chest has calmed you. Usually his presence made you relax, and from there youβd grow sleepy.
But not tonight for god knows what reason.
You really do know, though. The day youβve had keeps replaying over and over in your mind. Everything seemed to go wrong, your anxiety was horrible, and to add insult to injury youβre pretty sure your period is coming in a couple of days.
The joys of womanhood. Isnβt it fun?
You blow another breath through your mouth. All jokes aside, you feel like youβve been doing worse lately. And the worst part about that is that you feel like you havenβt been able to tell Leon about it. You donβt really know why. It feels kind of humiliating to admit youβre not doing good, and you canβt figure out how to even broach the subject in the first place.
So you stay quiet, suffering alone in your silence like a devoted martyr to your anxiety. You wonder how holy youβd be by now if constant internal panic was measured in penance of some sort.
Leon hates it when you do that. Heβs told you so many times to just come talk to him. And even though you want to, you canβt seem to break down your wall of pride and let him in. Even though the little girl in you is screaming for someone to hold her when the room goes dark, you still canβt bring yourself to tug on his sleeve and ask for help. You feel like a pick me begging for attention.
You sigh and sit up. You canβt stand your thought process anymore as it drifts to this uncomfortable territory, and you throw back the covers to go get a drink of water. Itβs your own greatest enemy, your mind. And the worst part is, you can only run from it for so long. Because no matter how much you bottle things in, it will catch up with you sooner than you think.
You flip on the soft oven light for a little guidance, but not enough to chase away any traces of sleepiness that might be lingering as you fill a glass with cold water from the sink. Your head kind of hurts as you turn to rest against the counter and take a sip of water. Your chest tightens as soon as the water hits your stomach and you donβt really feel good.
You try to brush it off at first as low blood sugar or something. But it doesnβt go away, and becomes a little more insistent, and suddenly your chest aches.
Shit.
Your hands start to shake as that familiar feeling creeps back in to compress on your ribs. Itβs a sick feeling, like youβve eaten too much cake or like youβre really thirsty but no amount of water can help. As it gets worse, you feel like you canβt breathe. You hadnβt had an episode in a while, but all that stuffing your feelings nonsense got to you. Not healthy.
You go to set the glass down on the counter, but you donβt quite clear the edge and it knocks the water out of your hands. The loud noise of it shattering on the tile irritates you more, and your shoulders jolt. Every nerve feels on needle-point edge, the sudden overstimulation making your head feel like itβs gonna explode.
You press a hand against your chest, breathing having grown rapid as your vision blurs around the edges.
βHey.β You donβt even see or hear him until Leon has your shoulders and speaks right in front of your face. Your shoulders jerk again when he grabs you, and your hands fly out to grab at something. They find his arms.
βI-Iβ¦ I canβt breatheβ¦!β You tremble, your head growing light and tingly from the shallow panting.
βI knowβ¦ I know, easy.β Avoiding the broken glass, Leon lifts you effortlessly onto the counter. Heβs calm, his voice deep and even and a little rough from sleep.
βI-β¦ I canβtββ
βDonβt think about it.β His voice an anchor somewhere in the haze of reality youβre struggling to get back to. βTake a breath.β
You try. Your lungs are shaking. It hitches, and you almost feel worse. He takes your hand and lays your palm flat agains his chest.
βLike this.β He sucks in a deep demonstrative breath through his nose, out through his mouth, making sure you can feel the way his chest rises and falls with the motion. βYou know how, baby.β
βI-I canβt!β
βYou can. Do it with me, cβmon.β
You focus your energy and your frayed concentration on the way his chest feels under your hand, the way the warmth creeps up your arm. On the way his breath sounds and feels. On the way the air feels spilling into your own lungs.
Gradually you regain control.
Leon tilts his head, trying to get a look at your face in the dimness of the stove light.
ββOkay?β He murmurs, and you nod, letting your eyes crack open and your head fall back forward to look at him. Youβre suddenly aware that your feet hurt and feel kinda sticky.
βCβmon.β He reaches for you, and you wrap your arms around his neck as he carries you carefully out of the kitchen and down the hall to the bathroom.
The light blinds you when he turns it on, and you squint and blink as he sets you on the counter, and your feet in the sink. The amount of blood on your feet scares and sickens you, but Leon lays a warm, gentle hand on the back of your head as he sets the first aid kit next to you.
βItβs okay. Donβt look.β
He makes sure thereβs no shards of glass in your skin, he cleans the cuts gently and disinfects them. You watch quietly as he bandages them up, wrapping up the balls of one of your feet.
The silence is a little unsettling. Is he mad? Obviously heβs probably not too mad about the glass. Heβd probably say itβs replaceable. But now he kinda knows there was something bothering you, and you clearly didnβt talk to him about it before it got bad.
βSoooβ¦ what no lecture?β You finally blurt as he ties off the gauze. He glances up at you as he lowers your foot from the counter.
βFor what?β You watch as he washes his hands in the sink and puts the first aid kit away.
βYou knowβ¦ for notβ¦ talking to you sooner, I guess.β
He gathers you into his arms again and you wrap yours around his neck as he flips off the light and carries you back to bed. He kisses your temple on the way back down the hall, watching as your eyelids droop sleepily when you donβt sense any tension in his body.
βMaybe tomorrow morning.β
He carries you back to bed and tucks you in. Laying down beside you, he holds his arm out for you to come a little closer and curl up under it. You scooch.
He rests his hand on the back of your head, his thumb brushing your hair behind your ear.
βI will say this thoughβ¦β He murmurs deeply as you look up at him from your little spot in the sanctuary of his arms. βYou know you can come to me, you know youβre not a burden and I like being there for you.β
He smoothes his thumb over your hair.
βI love youβ¦ k?β He presses a kiss to your forehead.
βOkay.β You reply in a little voice. You know heβs right. You know he means what he says. Leonβs not the type to waste words on sentiments he doesnβt mean. And hearing it again makes you feel a little silly for overthinking it.
βOkay.β Another kiss. βGet some sleep, yeah?β
This time, youβre out like a light.
#leon kennedy#resident evil#leon s kennedy#leon scott kennedy#leon kennedy imagine#leon kennedy x reader#leon kennedy x you#leon kennedy fanfic#leon kennedy fanfiction#resident evil fanfiction#leon kennedy x reader fluff#leon kennedy fluff#leon kennedy oneshot#resident evil 4 leon#comfort#anxiety
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Part 10: What Remained Of Us
Pairing: Logan Howlett x F!Mutant!Reader - Slow burn, no use of y/n.
Warnings: Violence, Angst, Mature content
Word count: 24.8k
A/N: This turned out to be longer than I intended because I really wanted to give these two a proper goodbye. Apologies for taking more time than usual, and thank you for reading this final part. I've written 92k words which is roughly 300 pages for this fic series, so enjoy! :D
What Makes Us Human Completed
<- Part 9
Einstein was right about his theory of relativity, not that you were the biggest fan of physics class back then, but sure, you caught a thing or two. The past three weeks had felt like the longest youβd ever experienced. Since that collar was... Wow, you can't believe you could say it in a past tense now. Since that collar was restraining your ability, three weeks had felt like a three goddamn shitty years.
You didnβt even feel that way when you were nothing more than a servant to the military. Back then, the concept of time blurred as you grew strangely fond of your well, forced mutation. As much as you despised the idea, youβd made peace with yourself, the ability is cool as fuck. Youβve had it for twenty eight years now yes, you counted. Twenty eight years is longer than the age you received those injections: twenty seven.
Back to that theory of relativity, one you could actually apply right now, in your daily life. You swore the clock was lying when you glanced at the table to check the time, how many hours had you spent with Logan on this bed? The two of you had agreed to clean up together after this messβthe one both of you, but particularly him, had made. Yet, you kept saying, βFive more minutes,β as you lay there, cuddled in his arms, skin to skin.
Both of your naked bodies were tucked under the warmth of the blanket. His left arm served as your human pillow, while his right hand roamed over your body, tracing circles with his fingers. Your right hand never left the toned muscles of his abs. Youβd had your intrusive thoughts about licking them earlierβwhich he didnβt seem to mind. In fact, judging by his expression, he enjoyed it. That look on his face would never leave your mind, and it made you smiled to imagined it again, as your fingers trailed down his happy trail. Only after that blissful moment, which felt like heaven on earth, did you finally glance at the clock. It was already dark outside, but seriouslyβeight p.m.?
"Shit, itβs eight." Your head whipped from the clock back to Logan.
He let out a weak chuckle. "Still wanna shower?"
You shrugged, letting your palm glide over the popped veins on his bicep. Good god, he really was a sight. For a guy whoβd been around since forever, he definitely hadnβt wasted a second of it achieving this every man's dream physique.
Before you could answer, not wanting to pass the chance to shower with his Greek marble statue-like figure, a muffled knock echoes from the hall. The sound is faint, making it clear it didnβt come from your roomβs door, you assume itβs Loganβs room, across from yours.
You glance toward your door, pulling the blanket higher over the two of you. βLooks like youβve got company.β
Logan continues to squeeze your waist gently, as if he could reassure you. βProbably Marie. Kid canβt breathe five minutes without seein' me.β
You let out a low chuckle, knowing that despite the joke, the two of them have grown attached to each other. You canβt help but think Marie might have a little crush on him, but you donβt really see that as a problem. Sheβs a teenage girl, and Logan found her during a hard time, like a savior kinda way. Itβs a pretty reasonable feeling for her to have.
Still, you can see Logan loves her like sheβs one of his own, like a daughter. Damn, heβd make a great father, you think to yourself.
But then, a voice pulled you out of your thoughts about Loganβa voice youβd become all too familiar with.
"Logan? Iβm coming in." Ororo voice faint.
The steps faltered as the door handle jiggled, only to stop short. You glanced up at Logan, sharing a silent, mutual hope. This was kind of a fucked-up situation. Shit.
Thank god youβd insisted Logan lock the door.
"Thatβs new," Logan muttered, more to himself than to you.
You clutched him tighter, shrinking into his warmth as if trying to make yourself as small as possible. Other thoughts began creeping into your mind now, like how the team would react to this. You and Logan? Nobody couldβve seen this coming.
The two of you didnβt say a wordβnot that it felt awkward. In fact, it was comfortable, really. Such a safe feeling, one you hadnβt realized youβd been longing for all this time.
Then the silence broke with the one thing you dreaded most at that moment: a knock. And it wasnβt just any knockβit was on your door now.
Shit, shit, shit.
You straightened up immediately, your body tensing as if facing an active threat. Ororo called your name, her voice loud and clear.
Instinctively, you whispered to Logan, "Go! To the bathroom, now." He half-frowned in response, clearly taken aback by the sudden secret-affair role he didnβt remember signing up for.
"Why?" he asked, with the audacity to question you in this situation. You shot him a look.
"Itβs Ororo!" you whispered harshly, your tone low but not lacking bite. "The door opens straight this wayβsheβs gonna see you. Cβmon, chop chop, mutton chops." You chuckled softly at your own words. God, you hadnβt called him that in what felt like ages.
Another knock came, firmer this time, followed by Ororoβs voice, clearer and more insistent. "I can hear you in there. Open the door."
You didnβt miss the way he rolled his eyes, accompanied by that signature grunt of his. Was he really going to risk everything by staying in your bed for Ororo to see? Dear god, you had a reputation to uphold here.
When he didnβt move fast enough, you gave his body a shove, forcing him to get up. Standing, you pointed firmly toward the bathroom. He picks up his clothes and walked as if it was the heaviest task in the world, each step deliberate and slow.
Meanwhile, you scrambled to pick up your panties from the end of the bed and your shirt from the floor, throwing them on to look at least somewhat appropriate. Pacing toward the door, you took a deep breath, preparing yourself for whatever came next.
Now standing in front of your door, you glanced back at Loganβhe hadnβt even reached the bathroom yet. "Close the door, cβmon, faster!" you whispered urgently, not even sure if heβd hear you. Finally, he walked into the bathroom and closed the door behind him.
Your focus shifted back to the door. With a sigh, you unlocked it and opened it halfway.
Ororoβs expression immediately shifted from irritated to slightly shocked. She lets out a small gasps, her jaw dropping before she quickly covered it with her palm.
You raised your eyebrows, smiling awkwardly. "Ro?" you asked, clearly puzzled by her sudden reaction.
She scoffed, then broke into the widest smile youβd ever seen. "The collar!"
The realization hit you as your hand instinctively went to your neck, your fingers brushing against bare skin. It was a feeling you hadnβt taken the time to savor, too busy savoring Logan earlier.
"Yeah, Hank figured it out," you said softly, a small smile pulling at the corner of your lips.
Ororo stepped forward, her joy radiating as she wrapped her arms around your neck. Dear god, you hoped she wouldnβt mind the sweat on you, or the lingering smell. You returned the hug, wrapping your arms around her back.
As she briefly opened her eyes, her gaze landed on the mess of your bed. Her eyebrows furrowed slightly, but she said nothing. It definitely wasnβt her businessβbut judging by the faint shift in her expression, she couldβve guessed.
She pulled back, flashing another wide smile, her shining teeth on full display. "I thought Hank was messing with me," she said, her hands lingering on your shoulders before letting go completely.
"He did a really great job. I couldnβt be more thankful," you replied, smiling.
Ororoβs gaze softened briefly before she glanced around the room. "Whereβs Logan, by the way?"
Panic hit you like a freight train, and without thinking, you blurted, "I havenβt seen him all day."
The lie spilled out so suddenly that it caught even you off guard. Ororo furrowed her brows, her head tilting slightly. "Thatβs strange. Hank told me he gave the chip to Logan to unlock your collar," she explained, her eyes narrowing slightly in suspicion.
You clicked your tongue, realizing youβd been caught red-handed. "Right, of course," you stammered, quickly pointing a finger at Ororo. "Sorry, I just woke up. He did bring the chip to unlock the collar, but then he left."
You were doubling down now, lying even more. Ororoβs expression tightenedβshe wasnβt buying it.
"Alright then," she said, clearly unconvinced but choosing not to press further. "Anyway, the Professor left for another conference. Scott thought itβd be great for us to hang outβjust at the bar down the street. Iβm heading there with Jean and Hank. You wanna come? We can ask Logan to look after the kids. Itβs Friday night, after all."
Your response came a little too cheerful, the faux excitement evident even to yourself. "That would be great!" you chirped.
"I know, right? We'll just have to find Logan first" she said, her tone bright.
You chuckled nervously. "But I canβt," you said, shaking your head.
Ororo blinked, taken aback. "Why? Come on, you deserve it."
You nodded with a soft smile. "Yeah, don't worry about me you guys have fun. Iβll stay and look after the kids. Besides, Loganβs nowhere to be found, and Iβm just feelin a bit tired, sβall." You placed a comforting hand on her shoulder, hoping to ease her concern.
Though your excuse was flimsy, Ororo relented with a sigh. "Fine, but Iβll bring you something, donβt worry."
You smiled again, leaning slightly toward the door, hoping sheβd leave soon. "Iβm counting on it," you said with a light chuckle.
As Ororo turned back and disappeared down the hallway toward the stairs, you finally closed the door and leaned against it.
Letting out a heavy sigh, you glanced at the bathroom door. Youβd just hidden Loganβfrom Ororoβin your room.
You walked toward the bathroom door, reaching for the handle. When you pressed it, it didnβt click openβLogan had locked it from the inside.
"Logan?" you called, but there was no answer.
"Theyβre going out to the bar. You can join them if you want to," you said, raising your voice slightly toward the door. What the hell was he doing in there? You knocked again, this time with a little more force, guessing he hadnβt heard you the first timeβbut that didnβt seem possible.
"Logan? Open the door," you said, your tone firmer now.
Inside the small bathroom, Logan was already pulling on the jeans heβd picked up from the floor earlier. His shirt rested by the sink, forgotten for the moment as he stared at his own reflectionβspecifically, his eyes. What the hell was going on with him?
It wasnβt exactly the first time a woman had hidden him. Hell, once, heβd even been stashed in a wardrobe. He had a reputation for getting involved with women already in relationships. Heβd even eyed Jean a few times when he first settled into the mansion.
But it had always been just a stupid fling to himβsomething meaningless. He didnβt care. He never did. At least, not until now. What had changed?
You?
Seriously?
He frowned, running a hand through his hair, trying to shake the thought loose. He felt embarrassed.
You werenβt even in a relationshipβthere was supposedly no reason for you to hide him. At least, not in his logic. Whyβd you have to hide him like that? Were you embarrassed?
It shouldnβt be that big of a deal. You were both adults, and so was Ororo. It wasnβt something to be ashamed of... right? Still, the knot in his chest refused to loosen.
Then a thought hit him, one so obvious it almost made him feel stupid for not realizing it sooner. He didnβt actually know if you were in a relationship or not.
The realization stopped him cold. Heβd never asked. Youβd never mentioned anything. For all he knew, there could be someone else in your life.
The idea gnawed at him, an unexpected twist of jealousy and unease stirring in his gut. Should he ask? Right now, while you were still outside the door knocking and calling his name?
Hell yes, he should. At least then, heβd know.
But then again, did he really want to hear the answer? What if it was something he didnβt want to deal with? What if it changed everything?
He let out a frustrated grunt, running a hand through his hair. His reflection in the mirror stared back, eyes conflicted and filled with questions he didnβt have answers to.
"Shit," he muttered under his breath. His attention shifted when something on the floor caught his eye.
A delicate gold necklace with a red heart-shaped pendant lay near his feet, gleaming faintly in the light. His brow furrowed as he crouched to pick it up, holding it carefully between his fingers. For a moment, he studied it, his thumb brushing over the smooth surface of the pendant.
The knock on the door snapped him out of his thoughts. Without a second glance, Logan slid the necklace into the pocket of his jeans and turned toward the door.
"Logan?" you called again, your voice edged with concern. "What are you doing?"
He ran a hand over his face, sighing deeply before finally making a move toward the door.
The door suddenly creaked open, and there he was, standing in the doorway, shirtless displaying full muscles, jeans hanging low on his hips. Loganβs expression was unreadable, though the faint furrow of his brow hinted at something simmering beneath the surface.
His eyes locked on yours with an intensity that made you freeze mid-knock, your hand still hovering in the air. You opened your mouth to ask what was going on, but he beat you to it.
βYou seein' someone?β he asked, his tone gruff, low, and uncharacteristically direct.
The question knocked the air right out of you. For a moment, you just stared at him, trying to process what heβd just saidβand why the hell he was asking.
βWhat?β you managed, blinking.
βYou heard me.β His eyes searched yours, his jaw set tight. βYou got someone in your life or not?β
It wasnβt the question itself that unsettled you, honestly? A reasonable one to ask someone you just had sex with, well. But it was the way he asked it. His voice carried something raw, like he wasnβt just casually curious. Like the answer mattered to him in a way that didnβt quite make sense.
Your lips parted to respond, but no words came out. Instead, you studied his face, the lines around his mouth, the tension in his shoulders. Something had clearly gotten to him, but the reasons behind it were a mystery you couldnβt crack. Was this about Ororo catching him here? Orβ¦ was it about something else entirely?
βI donβtβ¦ I donβt have anyone,β you finally said, your voice slower, more deliberate. βWhy suddenly ask?β
He didnβt flinch, but the shift in his posture was subtle. He leaned against the doorframe, one arm braced against it, his knuckles white. His eyes narrowed slightly, though not in anger.
βI donβt get it,β he said, his tone clipped. βYou hid me in here. Why?β
Your heart skipped a beat. The way he phrased it, the accusation buried in his words, made your stomach twist. βI didnβt want Ororo to see you because I didnβt feel like explaining. S'all.β
βExplaining what?β he shot back, his voice sharper now.
βThat you were in my room!β you snapped, frustration spilling over. βDo you have any idea how that wouldβve looked?β
βAnd why do you care if it would look like anything?β he asked, stepping closer. βWhy do you care so damn much what she thinks?β
You took a step back, suddenly feeling cornered even though he hadnβt raised his voice. His presence was overwhelming, and his words, his questionsβthey all felt like a trap you hadnβt prepared for.
βI donβt know,β you said, throwing up your hands. βI just didnβt want her to thinkβ¦ I donβt know! That weβreβ¦ involved or something. God, this is ridiculous. What is wrong with you?β
His jaw tightened, his eyes dark and stormy as they bore into yours. For a moment, you thought he might actually say something real, something honest. But instead, he straightened up, stepping back toward the bathroom.
βDoesnβt matter,β he muttered, his voice quieter now, but still laced with tension. βForget I asked.β
βForget youβLogan, what the hell?β you demanded, but he was already turning away.
βDrop it,β he said firmly, grabbing his shirt from the sink and pulling it over his head in one swift motion.
You stood there, stunned, as he brushed past you and headed toward the door. You shouldβve let him go. You shouldβve let it slide. But something about the way he askedβthat vulnerability buried beneath all the bravadoβstuck with you.
βLogan,β you called, your voice softer now, but he didnβt stop. He didnβt even turn around.
The door slammed shut behind Logan, the sound echoing in the quiet room and leaving you rooted to the spot, staring at the space heβd just occupied. Your heart pounded in your chest, not from fear or shock, but from sheer frustration.
What the fuck was that?
You try to make sense of the whirlwind that had just stormed through your room. He had the audacity to grill you about your personal life, and then shut down without so much as an explanation? It was infuriating. But then again, wasnβt that just Logan? Always halfway out the door before you could get a real answer, always keeping people at armβs length.
Fine. Let him brood. You werenβt going to waste your energy trying to figure him out.
The clock on your nightstand read 8:12 PM. Scott, Ororo, Jean, and Hank had definitely left for the bar, excited for a rare night out. Youβve waved Ororo off, claiming you werenβt in the mood. Now, standing alone in your room, you regretted it. At least at the bar, youβd have a distraction.
Instead, you were here, stewing over Logan.
With a heavy sigh, you pushed yourself to move. Stressing around mulling over his cryptic nonsense wasnβt going to get you anywhere. You grabbed a fresh change of clothes and headed for the bathroom, letting the sound of running water drown out your thoughts. By the time youβd finished cleaning up and pulling yourself together, it was close to nine.
You sit down on the edge of the windowsill, propping one foot up as you tighten the final knot of your shoelace. The sunlight filters through the glass, casting soft patterns on the floor. As you lean back slightly, adjusting the fit of your shoe, your gaze falls on the unlocked collar resting nearby.
For a moment, you just stare at it, the light glinting off its cold, unyielding surface. A wave of melancholy washes over you, pulling you into a haze of memories youβd rather forget. Slowly, you reach out and trace your fingertips along the thick metal, its weight almost tangible even without wearing it.
A short, bitter chuckle escapes your lips, breaking the silence. Without warning, you grab the collar and slam it against the concrete edge of the windowsill. The sharp clang echoes through the room, and with enough force, the metal bends slightly. You strike it again and again, as if each blow might break more than just steel.
When the anger subsides, you toss the collar onto the floor, standing over it for a moment. Then, with a final stomp, you turn away, leaving it behind as you step out the door.
You wandered the halls of the mansion, your footsteps light on the wooden floors. Few of the kids were settled for the night, and the usual buzz of activity had quieted down. As you passed the TV room, you caught sight of Logan sitting on the couch, surrounded by a few of the younger kids.
They were watching some old action movie, the screenβs glow casting sharp shadows across Loganβs face. He looked calm, almost relaxed, the gruff tension from earlier smoothed over like it had never existed. He didnβt even glance your way until you moved to leave, your quiet presence catching his attention at the last second.
Finding your usual corner, you pulled a book from the shelf and settled into one of the chairs. You let the silence wrap around you, doing your best to push Loganβand all the tangled emotions he seemed to stirβout of your mind.
His eyes was on you as you turned and walked away and you didnβt stop.
Instead, you headed to the library. The heavy wooden doors creaked slightly as you pushed them open, the familiar scent of books and aged paper washing over you. The quiet here was differentβsoothing, intentional. You let out a long breath as you stepped inside, your tension easing slightly as the door clicked shut behind you.
As you turned the pages of your chosen book tonight, seated in the most comfortable chair the library had to offer, a loud commotion broke your concentration. The rhythmic patter of childrenβs hurried footsteps echoed through the halls, accompanied by frantic voices. Your immersion in the world of Wuthering Heights shattered, pulling you back into reality. It was nearly ten oβclockβfar past curfew. What on earth was going on?
Curiosity pricked at you, and with a reluctant sigh, you closed the book, setting it carefully on the side table. Rising from your chair, you walked toward the source of the noise.
Outside the library, the chaos unfolded before your eyes. A crowd of panicked children filled the hallway, their anxiety palpable. The swarm of them seemed to converge at the backyard door, spilling out onto the cobblestone path illuminated by faint outdoor lights. From afar, you caught sight of Logan kneeling infront of a boy.
βBack to your rooms, everyone,β you called out, your voice firm but calm. Some of the older teenagers lingered, their curiosity outweighing their obedience. Turning to one of them, you asked, βWhat happened?β
βI heard thereβs a student missing,β a teenage girl replied, her voice trembling.
Your brow furrowed at her words. Missing? Anxiety crept into your chest as you shifted your gaze back to Logan, still kneeling in the yard. Urging the gawking children to disperse, you repeated, βCome on, everyone, back to your rooms. Curfewβs long past.β
As the reluctant crowd thinned, you made your way outside, stepping onto the cool cobblestone steps. Loganβs voice carried through the crisp night air as he spoke to the young boy.
βListen, Carter, I need you to tell me anything you saw. Did you see a logo? A picture? Maybe a name?β
The small frame of the boy trembling however he chimed in, βI saw a letter. It was on their phone.β
You stepped closer, careful not to interrupt, though Logan briefly glanced over his shoulder, his eyes locking with yours for just a moment before returning to the boy.
βPhone?β he repeated.
βYeah, it was black and had... like, a long antenna,β the boy explained innocently.
βA handy talk,β Logan muttered, lowering his head slightly as if trying to piece it together. βWhat letter did you see?β he asked, shifting his attention back to the boy.
βSac, I can read,β he replied with the same innocent tone.
Logan frowned, a slight furrow in his brow as he repeated the word back to her, confused. βSak?β
The boy nodded eagerly, as if confirming his guess. βYeah, Sac.β
Logan shook his head, his confusion growing. βHow do you spell it?β
Before the boy could respond, something clicked in your brain. The pieces fell into place, and you couldnβt stop yourself from stepping in.
βS-A-C,β you said, spelling it out clearly, each letter cutting through the tension.
The little boy's eyes lit up as he pointed his small finger at you. βThatβs right!β he said brightly.
Loganβs expression darkened, the weight of the realization settling over him. He glanced back at you, his jaw tightening.
βSAC, Special Activities Center,β he repeated, this time with understandingβand dread.
The word hit you like a cold slap. You folded your arms against the chill, the night air biting through your sweater.
βThanks, Carter. You head back inside now.β Logan stand on his feet as he pat the child gently, sending him towards the mansion's backdoor.
Once he scurried off, you stepped closer to him, your voice low but urgent. βWhat's going on?β
Logan rose to his feet, brushing his hands on his jeans. βThat's Carter he's Maya and Ellie friends.β
Your stomach dropped. βMaya? Whereβs Maya?β
Logan hesitated, taking a deep breath. βThe three of them were playing hide-and-seek out here earlier. Maya wandered out here to find them... she finds Ellie first, then Carter saw two people in black clothes take them two.β
βSAC take them?β you repeated, the weight of the revelation sinking in. βThey're connected with the CIA. The fuck do they want?β
Loganβs jaw tightened. βI donβt know. But if theyβre involved, this isnβt just about them mutants childrenβitβs about all of us. Theyβre watching, and now theyβre making their move.β
You didnβt respond immediately, your thoughts racing as dread settled heavily over you both. The children inside werenβt safe, not anymore. The larger force at play had finally made its presence known, and the mansion, once a sanctuary, had turned into a trap.
βShitβ you said finally, meeting Loganβs grim gaze. βWe need to find them.β
His nod was slight, but the determination in his expression was unmistakable. βWe will.β
The team gathered in the common room for a late midnight meeting no one would expected, their exhaustion palpable. Scott slumped in his chair, the scent of alcohol faint but unmistakable, while Ororo leaned heavily against the armrest, her eyes half-lidded with fatigue. Jean sat cross-legged, her fingers massaging her temples, and Hank rubbed his eyes behind his glasses.
The situation frustrated you as bad as it already was. Fuck this. If it werenβt for the teamβs fun night out, all of you would be out there looking for the poor little girls. You thought about doing it aloneβafter all, you were the only adult who wasnβt drunk or exhausted. Wait... thereβs still Logan.
Fuck him. You're not going anywhere with him. The two of you still hadnβt addressed whatever the hell was going on between you.
If you waited until morning, theyβd sure as hell be hungover or nowhere near the appropriate condition for a mission like this. And knowing these people all too damn well, they wouldnβt let you sneak into a CIA headquarters alone.
But youβd do it anyway.
Youβd have to sneak your way out of this. Screw them. Theyβd be thankful as fuck when you took matters into your own hands.
βWe have to address this in the morning,β Jean said, her voice steady but weary. βThe professor will know the best approach.β
Of course, one of them would eventually say it. You had guessed it would be Scott, but maybe Jean read his mind firstβlike sheβs probably doing to you right now. Fuck, I should clear my mind, you thought to yourself.
Hank sighed, his fingers tapping the edge of the table. βIβve done some preliminary research, but itβs just theories right now. The CIA base we suspect isnβt far from here, and given Killebrewβs ties to the military, this might all be connected. If Iβm right, theyβve been operating covertly, experimenting on mutants in ways we havenβt fully grasped yet.β
Ororo straightened, her brow furrowed. βThatβs not something we can charge into without a solid plan. Itβs dangerous.β
Scott waved a hand, his tone slurred but determined. βWeβll figure it out tomorrow. Right now, we all need rest.β
Jean nodded, glancing around the room. βAgreed. Maya and Ellie will need us at our best when we go after her.β
One by one, the team dispersed, their heavy steps echoing down the mansionβs halls. But you couldnβt shake the weight in your chest. The image of those girlsβscared, alone, possibly sufferingβplayed on a loop in your mind. By two in the morning, sleep had become impossible as you kept staring at the ceilings with eyes wide open, contemplating your plan which you came with none.
"Fuck this." You quickly changed into black cargo pants and a tight black long-sleeve shirt that pressed against your figure.
As you stood by the sink, you splashed cold water on your face, trying to steady your nerves for what was to come. But when you reached for the towel, your eyes flicked to the small accessory holder where you usually kept your mother's necklace.
It wasnβt there.
A knot of anxiety tightened in your chest. You leaned closer, scanning the sink area. It had to be somewhere nearby. Maybe it had just fallen off? You crouched down, searching the floor around the sink, your fingers brushing across the tiles in frantic movements. Nothing.
βCome on,β you muttered under your breath, your heart pounding as you pulled open the cabinet doors beneath the sink. Still nothing.
You swallowed hard, the realization sinking in that you might have lost or misplaced it. The thought made your stomach churnβit wasnβt just any necklace; it was your motherβs.
But you didnβt have time to dwell on it. Maya and Ellie needed you, and every second you spent searching was a second wasted. Clenching your fists, you forced yourself to push the worry aside.
You turned back to the mirror, taking a final glance at yourself. Tight black long-sleeve shirt, black cargo pants. "I look like a goddamn ninja," you muttered, trying to inject a bit of humor to steady your nerves.
The necklace would have to wait. Right now, you had to focus.
You grabbed your gear quietly, careful not to wake anyone. The mansion was still, the night cold against your skin as you descended the stairs with heavy black boots. You had just reached the kitchen when you froze.
Logan stood by the counter, cigarette in hand, the faint glow of its tip casting shadows on his rugged features. He didnβt look surprised to see you.
βFigured youβd try somethinβ stupid,β he said, his voice a gravelly rumble.
You adjusted the strap on your gear, feigning nonchalance. βI need to get some air.β
Logan chuckled dryly, taking a drag of his cigarette. βAir. Right. All geared up for a midnight stroll?β You frowned but didnβt reply, moving to the sink to double-check your supplies.
βYou think sneakinβ out alone is a smart play?β he pressed, stepping closer. βWhat, you gonna take on the CIA single-handed?β
βI'll take my chances, better than doing nothing.β you snapped, spinning around to face him. βThey're out there, and every second we waste, they could be hurting.β
Loganβs eyes narrowed. βAnd every second youβre out there without backup, youβre walkinβ straight into their hands. You heard what Hank saidβKillebrewβs probably involved. You really think they wonβt have another collar?β
You hesitated but clenched your fists. βI won't let such fear stop me. I wonβt leave Maya and Ellie to them, Logan. I donβt care whatβs waiting for me out there. Itβs not like they can kill me.β
Loganβs jaw tightened as he stubbed out his cigarette in his palm. You could never get tired from the sight of him rolling his eyes at the slight burn sensation on his skin that amused youβwell, more than amused in different circumstances, really.
If only he hadnβt been so confusing earlier tonight.
His voice dropped, low and dangerous. βIt ainβt about killinβ you. Itβs about breaking you. They donβt need you deadβthey just need you broken enough to get what they want.β
The weight of his words pressed down on you, but the image of the girls wouldnβt let you relent. βIf youβre trying to scare me, itβs not working. Iβm leaving.β
Loganβs nostrils flared, and for a moment, you thought heβd let you go. But then he stepped back, grabbing his jacket. βYouβre a stubborn pain in the ass, you know that?β You blinked as he shrugged into his jacket.
βIf youβre hellbent on gettinβ yourself killed, Iβm not lettinβ you go alone,β he growled.
Despite the tension, a flicker of gratitude warmed your chest. He might be impossible, but at least you wouldnβt face this alone.
Logan gripped the steering wheel tighter as the car cruised down the empty highway, the hum of the engine the only sound between you. You stared out the passenger window, the dark road illuminated by the occasional passing streetlight. The silence was unbearable, heavy with unspoken tension, until you reached out and turned on the radio.
Bye Bye Bye blasted through the speakers, the upbeat rhythm shattering the quiet.
Logan groaned audibly, his hand darting out to switch it off within seconds.
'Donβt wanna be a fool for.....'
The music cut off abruptly, leaving an awkward void. You furrowed your brows and glanced at him, annoyed, but said nothing. He didnβt either, his jaw tightening as he kept his eyes firmly on the road.
This is gonna be a hell of a ride.
Minutes ticked by in agonizing silence, the clock on the dashboard glowing faintly. You stifled a yawn, the lack of sleep catching up to you. Logan glanced in your direction briefly, his expression unreadable, before returning his focus to the road.
βSleepy already?β he finally asked, his tone gruff but quieter than usual.
You blinked at the window, counting the sparse cars around you. βOh, so you talk,β you shot back coldly, not bothering to look at him.
Logan sighed heavily, side-eyeing you before speaking again. βI donβt know whaddya want me to say,β he muttered, his tone carrying a hint of frustration.
Your patience snapped. βFuck you, Logan. Youβre the one pretending like nothing happened between us.β
His eyes flicked toward you briefly before returning to the road, his knuckles whitening on the steering wheel. βI thought thatβs what you wanted.β he said, his voice steady but edged with tension.
βNo! I donβt want that! Why are you acting like an asshole?β you snapped, shifting in your seat to face him fully.
Logan kept his focus ahead, his jaw ticking. The tension in his shoulders was palpable, but he didnβt raise his voice. βWhat do you want then?β he asked gruffly.
You opened your mouth to answer, ready to unleash everything bottled inside, but second thoughts hit you like a brick wall. Your throat tightened, and instead of speaking, you clamped your mouth shut and pulled your knees up, hugging them to your chest. Your gaze drifted back to the window, the darkened landscape blurring as tears threatened to sting your eyes.
Logan glanced at you from the corner of his eye, guilt flickering across his face, though he quickly masked it. βThatβs what I thought,β he muttered under his breath, barely audible but just loud enough for you to catch.
You swallowed hard, your nails digging into the fabric as you tried to steady your breathing. There was so much you wanted to say, so much that needed to be addressed, but this wasnβt the time. Maya and Ellie needed saving, and there was no room for emotions to get in the way.
You sat there, curled up in the passenger seat, clutching your knees tightly as the car glided through the quiet, empty highway. The faint hum of the engine filled the air between you, a stark contrast to the chaos in your chest. The longer the silence stretched, the heavier it felt, suffocating in a way words never could.
βMβsorry,β you whispered finally, the words escaping your lips before you could stop them. You didnβt even know what you were apologizing for exactly, but it felt like the right thing to say.
Logan glanced your way, his brow furrowing. You didnβt meet his gaze, your focus glued to the closed window, your reflection staring back at him. The image unsettled himβthe way you sat curled into yourself, dressed in black like you were trying to look intimidating, but failing miserably with your chin resting atop your knees. You looked small, vulnerable, as though you were trying to shield yourself from something unseen.
He clenched his jaw, guilt gnawing at him as he returned his eyes to the road.
Logan took a deep breath, his knuckles tightening on the wheel. What the hell was he supposed to say now? Did you even realize how much he cared for you? How deeply?
Hell, he was out here driving through the freezing cold at two in the goddamn morning. Sure, finding that poor, innocent girl was the priorityβbut you were the real reason heβd agreed to this. He already knew how reckless and half-baked this plan was, especially with just the two of you. The team is going to be furious, he could already imagine the earful Scott would give him in this situation.
But he couldnβt fight you on it, he knew you too damn well. It was either he came along, or youβd go aloneβand the thought of you facing this without him was something he couldnβt bear. Hell, he wouldnβt allow it.
If he had to, Logan would tear the whole goddamn world apart just to stand beside you. Whether to be an acquaintance, a friend, a partner, whatever youβd let him be. He would never leave you to deal with this on your own, not as long as he was still breathing.
βDonβt,β Logan muttered, his voice gruff as if the word was dragged out of him.
You blinked, glancing at him from the corner of your eye, unsure of what he meant.
βIβm sorry,β he growled, shifting uncomfortably in his seat. βI was being a dick.β
For a moment, you just stared at him, surprised. Then, without warning, a small chuckle escaped you.
Loganβs head snapped toward you, confusion written all over his face. βWhatβs so funny?β
You bit your cheek, trying to hold back your laughter, but it only made it worse. Finally, you shook your head, letting out a soft laugh. βI just... I didnβt think youβd fall for it.β
Loganβs frown deepened, his confusion growing. βFall for what?β
You shifted in your seat, lowering your legs and leaning back like you didnβt have a care in the world. βItβs okay. Now weβre both sorry.β You grinned at him mischievously. βI just didnβt expect youβd actually admit that youβre a dick.β
His expression darkened further, and he shot you a flat look. βOh, fuck off.β
You couldnβt help but laugh at his reaction, the sound bubbling out of you as his frown became more pronounced. βYouβre a horrible person,β he muttered, though there was a faint hint of amusement in his voice.
βI know,β you said smugly, leaning back even further and resting your arm behind your head, clearly enjoying your victory.
But your moment of triumph didnβt last long. Loganβs eyes glinted with a mischievous edge as his foot suddenly slammed on the brakes.
The car jerked to a halt, and youβwithout your seatbelt fastenedβwere flung forward, hitting the dashboard with a loud thud.
βUgh!β you grunted in pain, your hand rubbing to your forehead as you turned to glare at him. βWhat the fuck, Logan?!β
He was still in his seat, untouched thanks to his seatbelt βSorry,β he said mockingly, his tone laced with sarcasm. βThere was a cat crossing the street.β
He didnβt even try to hide his smug grin, leaning back in his seat like he didnβt just commit attempted murder. βNext time, buckle up, tough guy,β he said, his tone dry, but the amusement in his eyes betrayed him.
Your jaw tightened as you fastened your seatbelt with an angry click, not that you should even care because crashing would literally kill none of you, really. But you wouldn't take the chance to be a part of his petty joke again. βYouβre so petty,β you muttered, slumping back into your seat, arms crossed.
Logan let out a low chuckle, shaking his head slightly. βI know.β he said, clearly pleased with himself.
You rolled your eyes, muttering under your breath as the car resumed its journey. The tension that had once suffocated the air now felt lighter, though your annoyance with him lingered.
Youβd get him back. Somehow.
Logan parked the car a few hundred meters away from the high-security compound, the faint glow of cameras scanning the area. The building stood tall in front of you, a modern fortress with high, wire-topped fences and armed guards at every corner. This wasnβt going to be easy.
You both exited the car in silence, you popped the trunk, revealing your gear neatly packed. You reached for the heavy black duffel bag, pulling it out and unzipping it with quick hands. The bag was full of weapons built for efficiency and speed, the kind you knew you could rely on in a tight spot.
You grabbed the Heckler & Koch MP5, its compact frame sitting comfortably in your hands. The submachine gun was built for quick action, a weapon perfect for close-quarters combat. It was lightweight but packed a punch, with its 9mm rounds designed for high velocity and rapid fire. You checked the magazine, making sure it was fully loaded, before slinging the strap over your shoulder. The weapon's compact size made it ideal for maneuvering through tight spaces, and the sound of the safety clicking off was a sound you were all too familiar with.
You ran your fingers over the soft, rubberized grip, knowing you could rely on it when things went south. The bag also held extra mags, each one loaded with 9mm rounds, quick to reload and ready for action. You gave a quick glance at Logan, his eyes now locked on you again, but you didnβt let the moment last too long, the weight of the gun a comforting reminder of your readiness.
He gave a low grunt. βThis is a bad idea.β
βTell me something I donβt know,β you muttered, adjusting your gloves. The plan was simple: Get in, find Maya, get out. No alarms. No mess. The problem was, nothing ever went according to plan.
Logan took the lead, moving with his usual predatory grace. The two of you made your way through the shadows, careful not to alert the guards. The compound was surrounded by tall, overgrown hedges, giving you some cover as you approached the back entrance. You crept toward a side gate, its lock weak enough for Logan to pry open with ease.
"You always make it look easy," you whispered, impressed despite yourself.
He grinned, his eyes gleaming in the dark. "Wouldnβt be the first time.β
You slipped through the gap, your footsteps silent on the cold concrete as you moved deeper into the facility. The perimeter was quiet, but the tension in the air was suffocating. Logan led the way, his keen senses constantly scanning the area. Every creak of a door, every flicker of a light, had you on edge.
You reached the back of the building, a narrow, unlit hallway leading inside. Logan paused, giving you a sharp glance. βReady?β
βNo shit,β you said, determination hardening your voice. You werenβt backing out now, no matter what.
He pulled open the door and ushering you inside. The air was cool and sterile, the sound of your footsteps echoing off the cement floors. You crept down the hall, moving in sync with Logan, every step calculated.
At the end of the hallway, you spotted a guarded doorοΏ½οΏ½high-security, with a keypad and a camera positioned just above it. Without hesitation, Logan stepped forward, grabbing the guardβs arm from the shadowed corner and pulling him into the darkness. He was out before he could make a sound, leaving behind nothing but a faint smell of burning skin.
You shuddered slightly but stayed focused. This was just part of the plan. Getting in and out.
Logan keyed in the code he'd swiped off the unconscious guardβs wristwatch, the door clicking open with a soft beep. He held it open, letting you slip inside first. The room was dark and cold, filled with computers and high-tech equipment. At the far end, a small holding cell, barely visible in the gloom, had a single figure slumped against the wall.
βMaya,β you whispered urgently, your voice cracking.
She looked up slowly, her face pale, her eyes wide with fear. But when she saw you, her lips trembled, and for a moment, you could see the faintest glimmer of hope. "You came..."
You rushed to her side, kneeling beside her, gently brushing a strand of her hair away to get a better look at her face. She was bruised and battered, her small frame trembling, but nothing seemed life-threatening. Still, the sight of her like this ignited a fierce protectiveness in your chest.
βWhereβs Ellie?β you asked, your voice soft but urgent.
Maya flinched at the question, her lips quivering. βI-I donβt know,β she stuttered, her voice barely above a whisper. βWe... we were playing together, and thenββ Her words broke off, her small body trembling as tears welled up in her eyes.
βItβs okay, Maya,β you said quickly, your tone firm but comforting. βWeβre getting you out of here. Youβre safe now.β
Logan moved around, his sharp eyes scanning the room for any signs of further threats. βWe donβt have time for this,β he muttered, already heading toward the door. βWe need to move. Get her to safety first.β
You hesitated, your instincts screaming to keep looking for Ellie, but Loganβs tone left no room for argument. He glanced back at you, his voice low but commanding. βWeβll come back for her. Right now, weβve gotta get Maya out before weβre cornered.β
Taking a deep breath, you nodded and reached down to help Maya to her feet. Her legs wobbled, and she winced at the effort, but she clung to you tightly. βWeβre getting you out,β you reassured her again, though the knot in your stomach didnβt loosen.
As you moved toward the door, the beeping of the security alarm behind you confirmed the worst. Loganβs eyes flicked to you, his expression grim. βMove it,β he said sharply.
Grabbing Mayaβs hand, you pulled her along, your heart pounding as you navigated through the dim hallway. Logan led the way, his senses on high alert. You reached the stairwell, but your stomach sank as you saw more guards below.
Logan growled low under his breath, his fists clenching. βStay behind me,β he said, his voice quiet but firm.
Without hesitation, Logan leaped into action, taking down the first guard with brutal efficiency. You followed closely, keeping Maya tucked safely behind you, your body positioned as a shield.
Your MP5 hung at your side, a secondary measure tonight. Every movement was calculated, every glance behind ensuring Mayaβs safety. No harm would come to herβnot a single scratch.
Logan cleared the path with a relentless fury, and together, you pushed forward, determined to get Maya out of this nightmare and to safety. Only then would you think about going back for Ellie.
You would have the time of your life alongside Logan taking these guards down, but tonight your MP5 was nothing more than a safety measure, secondary to your true focus. Your attention was entirely on Maya, making yourself her shield, her protection. No harm would come to herβnot a single scratch, not the faintest injury. You positioned yourself between her and the chaos outside, every move calculated to ensure her safety above all else.
Loganβs claws came out, the metallic sound cutting through the air. With every strike, another guard fell. You couldnβt help but watch in awe at the way he movedβfierce, unstoppable. He cleared a path toward the exit, but it wasnβt without cost. You could hear the distant sound of reinforcements arriving, the compound now fully alerted to your presence.
"Shit," you muttered under your breath. There was no turning back now.
But you didnβt need to. Maya was free. That was all that mattered.
As you reached the exit, the lights behind you began to flash. You could hear the sirens, feel the pressure of the situation mounting. But Logan was already pushing you forward, his voice low and gruff. "Keep moving. Iβll cover you."
You barely had time to process what was happening before you burst through the door, the cold air hitting your face like a slap. The car was still a few hundred meters away, but there was no time to hesitate. Without a word, you crouched and scooped Maya into your arms. She instinctively clung to you, her small arms wrapping tightly around your neck, her feet curling against your stomach to secure herself. Her muffled cries broke your focus, soft and trembling as she buried her face into your shoulder, her fingers gripping your shirt like a lifeline.
You ran as fast as you could, every step echoing in the silence of the night, Logan keeping pace just behind you. The weight of Maya in your arms was nothing compared to the drive to get her to safety. You could feel her little hand clutching you tighter with every sound of pursuit behind you, her breath hitching against your collarbone.
You reached the car first, yanking the back door open and rushing Maya inside. Her tiny arms loosened around your neck as you gently set her on the seat, her tear-streaked face burying deeper into your shoulder for a moment. You whispered, "Stay here, sweet girl," before pulling back just enough to slam the door shut. You didnβt waste time sliding into the passenger seat as Logan bolted into the driverβs seat beside you.
The engine roared to life as Logan turned the wheel sharply, tires screeching against the cold pavement. The car bolted forward, but the horror started almost immediately. Gunfire erupted behind you, bullets slamming into the rear of the vehicle with sharp metallic thuds.
"Get down!" you yelled instinctively, your voice sharp and commanding. Maya screamed, a high-pitched cry that sent a pang through your chest. "Maya, keep your head down, baby. Stay as low as you can," you urged, already crawling from the passenger seat to shield her in the back.
The gunfire intensified, the attackers closing in. Logan growled under his breath as he adjusted the rearview mirror. βTheyβre catching up. Bikes.β
You twisted, catching sight of two motorcycles weaving in and out of the shadows. Their riders aimed and fired, their bullets shattering both side windows. Glass shards rained into the car, cutting into the chaos.
Logan flinched, jerking slightly as a bullet grazed his arm, tearing through his jacket. He hissed but kept his focus on the road. βDamn it,β he muttered, his grip tightening on the wheel.
Another bullet grazed your shoulder, burning through your jacket. The sharp sting was brief, dulled by your healing factor, but it still sent a jolt of frustration through you. "Logan, theyβre on both sides!"
One biker closed in on Loganβs side, leveling his weapon for a clean shot. Logan swerved sharply, slamming the car into the bike, but the rider steadied himself. Without hesitation, Logan growled, "Hold on," and yanked the car door open.
In one fluid motion, Logan leaned out, his left arm shooting forward to grab the man by the neck. The riderβs eyes widened in shock as Logan yanked him clean off the bike, slamming him to the ground with brutal force.
On the right, another rider closed in, aiming for the car. You didnβt hesitate. The MP5 was already in your hands, and with a calculated burst of fire, you hit his front tire. The bike wobbled violently before tipping, sending the rider skidding across the asphalt.
"Fuck!" Logan snarled as another shot blew out the rear tire. The car lurched violently, metal screeching against the road as it ground to a halt. Logan slammed the wheel in frustration, his chest heaving. "Get her up. Now!"
You scrambled to Maya, pulling her carefully into your arms. She was trembling but responsive. βCome on, baby,β you murmured, trying to steady your voice.
By the time you turned, Logan was already at one of the fallen bikes, inspecting it for damage. "Thisβll do," he muttered, hauling the machine upright. He swung onto the seat, revving the engine.
Then you saw it. Mayaβs head lolled against your chest, and the dark stain on her shirt caught your attention. Blood seeped from a cut on her neck, spreading too quickly. Your stomach clenched.
"Logan!" you shouted, your voice cracking. "Sheβs bleeding bad!"
Loganβs head whipped around, his expression hardening. βGet on.β His voice left no room for argument.
Clutching Mayaβs fragile body, you climbed onto the bike behind Logan, holding her close. Logan revved the engine, and the bike sped off into the night. You pressed Mayaβs small frame against yours, one hand trying desperately to stem the bleeding at her neck.
βStay with me, baby,β you whispered into her hair, your voice breaking as the cold wind whipped past. βPlease, Maya, just hold on.β
4:27 a.m. You stood frozen, staring at Mayaβs unconscious form in the medbay. The room felt distant, the sterile white lights blurring everything into a haze. Hank and Jean had been woken up barely ten minutes ago by Logan, and now they were rushing back and forth in their white coats, their voices low but urgent.
You shouldβve felt bad for pulling them into this mess, dragging them out of bed at this hour. But even that guilt was nothing compared to the pit of self-loathing eating away at you. This was your fault. Mayaβs condition, her pale face, her blood staining your hands was because of you. Reckless. Stupid. You didnβt fucking think before-
"Hey," Loganβs voice broke through the storm in your head, soft but steady.
You didnβt look at him, didnβt respond. You barely even registered his presence, the sound of Jeanβs voice faintly breaking through your fog. She was explaining something to Hank, something about Maya losing too much blood, needing to confirm her blood type. But the words barely landed.
You clenched your arms tighter across your chest, folding into yourself. The weight of everythingβMayaβs fragile state, your own failures was suffocating. Logan stepped closer, watching you carefully. His hand reached out, resting gently on your shoulder, his thumb brushing against you in a calming rhythm.
The small, unexpected gesture made you shiver. The knot in your chest tightened, and you felt the sting of tears threatening to spill. Slowly, your head dipped, your defenses crumbling under the weight of it all. You couldnβt stop the overwhelming tide of emotions crashing down on you.
"Go clean up. Let Hank and Jean do what they need to." he suggested.
A word didnβt even leave your lips. You felt lost, unmoored in a storm of emotions that you couldnβt navigate. You didnβt know what to do, how to move, how to think. You needed guidance, even if it was something as small and straightforward as Logan telling you to clean up. His words cut through the fog, and for a fleeting moment, you felt a sense of obedienceβa familiar pull to follow orders. That was what you were good at, after all. What you were once best at: following orders.
Your eyes flicked up to Logan, searching for...something. His palm remained steady on your shoulder, grounding you, his thumb moving in a small, repetitive motion that somehow kept you from spiraling. His gaze met yours with the quiet reassurance there was enough to steady your nod.
You stepped away, walking out of the medbay, his hand falling from your shoulder as you moved. The absence of his touch left a strange void, but you pushed forward, heading toward the stairs. Logan followed silently a few steps behind, his heavy footsteps echoing softly against the walls. He didnβt push you, didnβt fill the space with meaningless words, but his presence lingered with constant, quiet support.
You climbed the stairs mechanically, every step feeling heavier than the last. The exhaustion, the guilt, the overwhelming swirl of emotions, they pressed down on you, threatening to crush you with each passing second. As much as Logan worried about Maya, you both knew there was nothing more either of you could do. It was Hank and Jeanβs turn now. That truth didnβt make the wait any easier.
When you reached your room, you stopped in the doorway, gripping the frame as if it could hold you upright. Logan paused behind you, leaning against the wall with his arms crossed. He watched you closely, his sharp gaze catching every tremble in your hands, every shaky breath.
Your fingers fumbled with the straps of your gear, but they wouldnβt cooperate. Frustration bubbled up, and you let out a low growl as you yanked the vest off and dropped it unceremoniously onto the floor. Bloodstains smeared across the fabric caught your eye, and your chest tightened at the sight.
Logan pushed off the wall and stepped inside, crouching down to pick up the discarded vest. He set it aside carefully, his movements slow and deliberate, as though giving you the time and space to process.
βI'll stay here,β he said again, his voice quieter this time, almost gentle.
You nodded again, your movements sluggish, and turned toward the bathroom. The weight of the day settled on your shoulders, dragging your steps, but you kept moving.
You stepped into the bathroom, the door clicking shut behind you, you turned around to lock it immediately. The smell hit immediatelyβdried blood, sweat, and the lingering metallic tang of Mayaβs injury. It clung to you like guilt, heavy and suffocating.
With trembling hands, you stripped off your clothes, dropping them into a heap on the floor. The fabric stuck to your skin in places where blood had dried, and the motion sent a fresh wave of nausea rolling through you.
Standing at the sink, you turned on the faucet, the rush of water almost deafening in the quiet. You scrubbed your hands, desperate to rid yourself of the blood staining your skin. Mayaβs blood. It was there, literal-fucking-ly on your hands, and no matter how hard you scrubbed, it felt like it wouldnβt come off. Your breaths grew erratic as the image of her unconscious face looped endlessly in your mind.
You turned the faucet off abruptly, the silence that followed almost unbearable. Moving to the shower, you twisted the knob to the hottest setting, steam immediately rising to fill the small space. You stepped in, holding your hands under the boiling stream, watching as the dried blood finally washed away, swirling down the drain.
The searing heat burned your skin, but the pain felt satisfyingβa punishment you thought you deserved. It wasnβt enough to hurt you, not with your healing ability, but it gave you a brief, fleeting sense of control.
The water cascaded over you, from the top of your head to your toes, scalding and relentless. You gritted your teeth as the heat bit into your skin, but the pain wasnβt what broke you. The weight of everything did.
Your legs gave out, and you slid down onto the cold tiles, your back pressed against the wall. Hugging your knees to your chest, you buried your face in them, letting the boiling water pour over you as sobs wracked your body. It wasnβt the pain that made you cryβyou werenβt even sure what it was anymore. You just needed to let it out, to feel something other than the crushing guilt.
Outside, Logan sat by your windowsill, his arms crossed as he stared into the night. His nose twitched as a faint scent wafted through the airβburned flesh. He furrowed his brow, his senses sharpening as the smell lingered. It didnβt fade. If anything, it grew stronger.
Concern etched into his features, he pushed off the sill and headed toward your bathroom door. The scent was unmistakable now, and worry gnawed at the edges of his composure. He knocked gently.
βHey,β he called, his voice calm but firm. βYou okay in there?β
No response.
He tried again, calling your name louder this time. βIβm gonna break this door if you donβt answer.β
Still nothing.
Logan muttered a curse under his breath, his patience snapping as the smell of burning flesh only intensified. With a heavy thud, he slammed his shoulder into the door. The wooden frame groaned but held. Another slam, then another, until the lock finally gave way, the door flying open to release a rush of hot steam that hit him like a wall.
βFuck me,β he muttered, waving a hand in front of his face in a futile attempt to clear the air. His eyes scanned the room until they landed on you, curled up on the shower floor, water pouring over your trembling, bare figure.
βShit,β he whispered under his breath, his jaw tightening as the scene before him sank in.
The scalding water hissed against his arm skin as he reached for the shower handle, shutting it off with a groan. His own flesh burned at the contact, but it healed almost instantly. He turned his focus to you, crouching beside your slumped form, his heart breaking at the sight of your vulnerability.
Grabbing a towel from a nearby rack, he opened it wide and carefully wrapped it around you. His movements were gentle, deliberate, as though afraid he might break you further. His voice was soft when he finally spoke.
βHey,β he murmured, his hand brushing against your damp hair. βCβmon, darlinβ. Letβs get you out of here.β
You didnβt respond at first, your head lifting only slightly as you noticed his presence. His face was etched with worry, his sharp features softened by the sorrow in his eyes. His hand came up to cup the side of your jaw, his thumb tracing lightly over your tear-streaked cheek.
You swallowed hard, your voice caught in your throat. The overwhelming emotions left you unable to speak, and all you could do was stare at him, your swollen eyes searching for somethingβcomfort, reassurance, anything.
Logan shifted to sit beside you, his broad shoulder brushing against yours. He opened his arms, a silent invitation. Without thinking, you leaned into him, tucking your head against his chest as his arms enveloped you. The dampness of your hair soaked into his shirt, but he couldn't care less. His chin rested atop your head, his steady presence anchoring you as you sobbed quietly, the tears flowing freely now.
βItβs okay,β he whispered, his voice a low rumble that vibrated through his chest. βIβve got you.β
Logan stayed there, holding you as though his presence alone could shield you from whatever storm was raging inside. His arms tightened just enough to remind you he was thereβnot pushing, not forcing, just being. His thumb drew absent circles against your arm, a silent comfort that kept you tethered to the moment.
Minutes passed, or maybe hours; time seemed to lose meaning. The bathroom remained cloaked in a haze of steam, the air thick and humid, but neither of you moved. The water had long since stopped running, leaving only the faint drip-drip of the showerhead to break the silence. Logan didn't rush you; he seemed to know you needed this space, this moment to fall apart without judgment.
Eventually, your sobs quieted, leaving you drained and trembling in his arms. Your head stayed tucked against his chest, listening to the steady rhythm of his heartbeat. It was grounding, a lifeline you hadn't known you needed. You felt small, raw, like a wound left open, but for the first time in hours, the suffocating weight of guilt started to easeβjust a little.
Logan broke the silence first, his voice a low murmur. "I know you think this is all on you, but itβs not."
You wanted to say something, anything, but the words wouldnβt come. Instead, you nodded faintly, your face brushing against the damp fabric of his shirt. He took the gesture for what it was, a small step forward, and didnβt press for more.
After a moment, he shifted slightly, one arm still wrapped around you as the other reached for the towel. He adjusted it, making sure it covered you properly before pulling back just enough to look at you. His piercing gaze softened when it met yours, his eyes filled with an understanding you hadnβt expected.
βYouβre freezing,β he said, his brows knitting together. βLetβs get you outta here, yeah?β
You blinked, realizing for the first time that your body was shakingβnot from cold, but from the aftermath of everything youβd been holding in. Still, you nodded again, letting him help you to your feet. His hand stayed steady on your arm as he guided you out of the shower, careful not to let you slip on the wet tiles.
He grabbed another towel, wrapping it around your hair with surprising gentleness. The care in his actions almost undid you again, but you swallowed hard, forcing yourself to hold it together.
βIβll grab you some clothes,β he said quietly, motioning toward your dresser. βJust sit tight.β
You sank onto the edge of your bed, the towel still wrapped tightly around you as you watched him move. His presence filled the roomβnot in an overbearing way, but in a way that made you feel less...alone. He returned a moment later with a fresh set of clothes, setting them down beside you.
βYou good to change?β he asked, his voice soft but firm, like he was giving you the option to say no.
You nodded, and he took that as his cue to turn away, suddenly finding your window so interesting to glance at. Giving you privacy while still staying within armβs reach. His respect for your boundaries didnβt go unnoticed, and it made your chest ache in a way you couldnβt quite explain.
Once dressed, you hesitated for a moment before speaking, your voice hoarse from crying. βLogan?β
He turned back to you immediately, his eyes meeting yours.
βIβm sorry,β you whispered, the words trembling with guilt. βFor dragging you into all of this. You didnβt deserve it.β
His expression softened, a mix of concern and frustration flickering in his gaze. βDonβt start with that,β he said firmly but not unkindly. βYou didnβt drag me anywhere. Iβm here because I wanna be. Got it?β
You nodded slowly, the weight of his words settling over you like a fragile reassurance. Your eyes flicked to the clock by your nightstandβ5:03 a.m. The realization made your stomach twist, the hours slipping away faster than you could think.
βI need to check on Maya's condition,β you said suddenly, your voice steadier but still strained.
Loganβs hand, still resting lightly on your shoulder, gave a gentle squeeze. βAlright,β he said. βLetβs go.β
The hallway leading to the med bay felt like it stretched on forever, each step dragging like a weight tethered to your ankles. Logan walked beside you, silent but present, his steady pace offering a grounding presence you barely noticed through the storm raging in your chest. The fluorescent lights overhead hummed softly, an unbearable mockery of normalcy as dread curled in your gut.
When you reached the med bay door, it opened with a quiet hiss, and the world seemed to tilt. The room was unnaturally quiet, the air heavy, oppressive. Jean stood by the bed where Maya lay, her figure tense, arms crossed tightly over her chest. A bag of blood hung from a metal stand, but the tube dangled loose, disconnected. Hank sat slumped in a chair nearby, his head bowed low, the white of his coat streaked with red that had long since dried. He didnβt even look up when you entered.
Jean turned as the door clicked shut behind you, her gaze snapping to meet yours. Her expression was grave, her face drawn and heavy with something unspeakable. The weight of her silence crushed you instantly.
βWhatβs going on?β you demanded, your voice trembling as you crossed the room in hurried strides, your pulse roaring in your ears. The question tasted bitter on your tongue, dread bubbling up in your chest. You didnβt want to know the answer, not really. You clung desperately to the fragile hope that what you feared wasnβt true.
Jean didnβt answer. Her lips parted, but no words came, only a flicker of helplessness in her eyes that made your stomach plummet. You turned your attention to Hank, sitting motionless, his large hands limp in his lap. Still, no response. It was the silence that told you everything. The kind of silence that only follows the unspeakable.
Your breath quickened as your eyes fell on Mayaβs still form on the bed. You reached out, your fingers trembling as they brushed against her cold skin. The moment you touched her, you recoiled. No. This canβt be real.
βMaya,β you whispered, your voice cracking. The panic rose inside you, but you fought to keep it in check. You pressed your fingers to her neck, hoping against hope for a pulse, for any sign of life. There was nothing. The stillness suffocated you. βNo, no, noβthis canβt be happening.β
You couldnβt stop the tears that welled in your eyes, but you didnβt let them fall. You blinked rapidly, your chest tight, trying to hold it all in. Your knees buckled slightly, and you steadied yourself by gripping the bed rail. Your breath came in shallow bursts, but you forced yourself not to break down completely. Not here, not now.
βWhat happened?β The question slipped out of you in a broken, quiet voice, and you turned to Hank and Jean, your eyes searching for an answer they couldnβt give.
Jeanβs gaze dropped to the floor, her voice soft but heavy. βShe was gone before we could stop the bleeding,β she said, and her words cut deeper than anything else in the room.
βNo.β You shook your head violently, your hands gripping the bed rail as if it could anchor you. βYouβre lying. Sheβs notβsheβs not gone. She canβt be. Itβs my fault. I shouldβveββ Your voice broke, your chest heaving as the truth slammed into you like a freight train.
Loganβs hand was on your shoulder then, warm and steady. βThey've tried their bestβ he said, his voice low but certain. βSo did we, so did you.β
Your tears finally slipping free, but you didnβt sob. It was quiet, contained, but the weight of them felt unbearable. You swallowed hard, wiping your face, but the tears came regardless, leaving silent trails down your cheeks. The grief sat heavily in your chest, raw and unyielding.
You looked back at Mayaβs small body, your heart aching, the guilt still gnawing at you. βI shouldβveββ Your voice faltered again
βStop,β he said, his voice low and firm, cutting through the chaos in your head. βDonβt do this to yourself.β
Logan's arm rests steady by your shoulder, with a slight pressure, as if he's trying to pull you into his embrace. As inviting and comforting as it seems, you can't accept such affection from himβyou simply cannot.
His heart shatters into pieces at the scene before him: the sweet girl who doesnβt deserve this, and you, torturing yourself with it. He can feel the guilt radiating from your very core, and whilst he's not a much of a believer at this very moment he wishes he could make it better, could make you feel better, if only he knew how. His vain attempt at a gentle pull to draw you closer goes unnoticed by youβor at least, that's what he thinks.
You felt worthless, an absolute failure. You thought you are a failure when Maya's injured but now to cost her a life too? Is there even a word for that, something lower than a failure, a disappointment perhaps. She deserved better, if only you didn't storm in like a rookie and thought everything would go as planned, maybe she'd be alive. If only you didn't let the paranoia get the best of you, letting yourself to work as a team with the others.
You stepped back, the nauseating feeling washing over you once againβone you could never get used to. It was overwhelming. Loganβs arm fell from your shoulder, and he glanced at you immediately, searching for your eyes.
You didnβt know why, but a sudden urge to hide overwhelmed you. Embarrassment crept in like a heavy shadow. They would acknowledge your grief, yes, but they would also acknowledge the truth you couldnβt escapeβthat it was all because of you. Your fault. No matter how hard they tried to mask their silent judgment, it was always written plainly on their faces.
You wanted to run away from all of it. Like you always doβan avoider. βExcuse me,β you said, your voice quieter than intended, as your hand relentlessly wiped at the stupid tears streaming down your face. Your feet, weighed down by guilt, carried you out of the medbay in seconds.
Logan's confusion was palpable. He wouldβve expected you to mourn in a much different wayβmaybe saying a final goodbye to Maya with heavy, fat tears. Instead, your reaction left him unsettled. Turning his attention back to Maya's body, he murmured softly, βMβreally sorry, girl,β a quiet apology and farewell meant more for her than for himself. He tried to be tough, for his own sake and, in part, for yours.
When he looked up again, his focus shifted to you disappearing down the hallway. With a deep sigh, he turned to Jean and Hank. βIβm sorry, Jean, Hank.β he said simply, nodding at each of them before walking out with heavy, deliberate foot steps.
With your arms wrapped tightly around your body, as if they could shield you from the crushing weight of your shame, you walked briskly, desperate to disappear before anyone could see you. But your hope shattered when Loganβs voice rang out from behind, calling your nameβonce, twice, and then multiple times.
That didn't stopped you, why would it be. You need a time, an alone time obviously.
You kept walking, your pace quickening with every step. Logan's voice called after you, his tone growing sharper, more insistent, but you didnβt stop. You couldnβt. Your feet moved on autopilot, carrying you toward your room as if it were the only safe harbor in a storm. You needed spaceβalone time, desperatelyβbecause facing anyone, even him, was unbearable right now.
Reaching your door, you fumbled with the handle, slipping inside just as Logan's footsteps came up behind you. The door clicked shut, and you locked it immediately, the sound echoing in the suffocating silence of your room.
Your legs gave out beneath you, the weight of everything dragging you down. You fell to the floor with a quiet thud, your back sliding against the door until you were sitting, knees pulled to your chest. Your hands trembled as they wrapped around your legs, holding yourself together as though you might otherwise shatter completely. The tears came fast and hot, spilling down your face in relentless waves as sobs wracked your body.
Outside, Logan stopped just short of colliding with the door. He stared at it for a moment, frustration and worry warring on his face. His hand came up, hesitating before he knocked gently, his voice barely audible over the sound of your muffled cries.
βDonβt do this to yourself,β he said, his words soft but edged with a quiet plea. βCβmon. Let me in.β
Your sobs didnβt stop. If anything, they grew louder, raw and broken, tearing through the fragile silence like jagged glass. The sound twisted something deep inside him, and Logan let out a frustrated growl under his breath. His hands curled into fists at his sides as he leaned his forehead against the door, the cool wood doing little to ground him.
He could hear every breath you took, every hitch in your voice, every agonized cry that told him exactly how much pain you were in. And it was killing him. Logan wasnβt the type to sit idly by, but now, he had no choice. You had locked him outβboth literally and figurativelyβand no matter how badly he wanted to rip the door off its hinges, he held himself back. Barely.
βDammit,β he muttered, his voice dropping to a rough whisper. His fists uncurled, one hand coming up to press flat against the door, as if somehow that small gesture could reach you.
Inside, you heard his words, but they felt distant, like a faint echo buried beneath the tidal wave of your guilt. Your breaths came in sharp, shallow gasps, your chest heaving as the weight of everything pressed down on you. Mayaβs face flashed in your mindβher lifeless body, the blood, the stillnessβand a fresh wave of nausea rolled through you.
Logan's voice came again, this time firmer, though still gentle. βYouβre not the reason this happened. You hear me? It wasnβt your fault.β
But you couldnβt hear himβnot really. The voice in your head was louder, crueler, drowning him out with accusations and blame. It was your fault. You shouldβve done better, been better. You shouldnβt have stormed into the mission so recklessly, thinking everything would go as planned. Maya was gone because of you, and nothing anyone said could change that.
Outside, Loganβs patience snapped. He slammed his palm against the door, the loud crack startling even him. βLemme in,β he demanded, his voice rough, a thread of desperation woven through it. βLemme in, Jesus.β
But there was no response. Only the sound of your quiet, choked cries bleeding through the door. Logan clenched his jaw, his frustration bubbling to the surface. He wanted to be angry at you, to yell at you for shutting him out, but he couldnβt. Not when he could hear the sheer agony in every sound you made.
βShit,β he muttered, running a hand through his hair. He leaned back against the door, his body a tense line of restraint. The urge to break down the barrier between you was almost overwhelming, but he stayed put, knowing youβd only push him further away if he forced his way in.
βPlease,β he said, his voice dropping to a low murmur, almost a whisper. βDonβt do this. Donβt shut me out.β His words hung heavy in the air, unanswered.
Loganβs heart twisted painfully as he realized he couldnβt reach youβnot like this. You kept putting distance between yourself and everyone else, a distance that felt impossible for him to cross. He wanted nothing more than to pull you into his arms, to hold you until the storm inside you calmed, but you wouldnβt let him. And that broke something inside him more than he cared to admit.
Sliding down to sit on the floor outside your door, Logan rested his elbows on his knees, his head in his hands. He stayed there, silent but present, listening to your muffled cries. His claws itched to tear the door apart, but instead, he let out a quiet sigh, his voice barely audible as he spoke again.
βM'not going anywhere,β he said softly, his words meant for you and you alone. βTake all the time you need. Iβll be right here.β
β’β’β’
The sun had begun its slow ascent, casting a dark blue hue over the horizon visible through your window. The shadows of the night retreated inch by inch, but the heaviness inside you refused to dissipate. You hadnβt moved from your spot by the window, knees drawn to your chest, the tears long since dried on your cheeks. An hour had passed, maybe more, though it felt like a lifetime.
Then, Professor Xavier's calm, commanding voice broke the silence, resonating in your mind. βI need you in the meeting room.β
You inhaled deeply, trying to steady the storm inside you. Rising to your feet felt like a monumental effort, but you managed. You opened the door and froze at the sight of Logan seated by the wall just outside, his head resting against it, eyes closed but still alert. He looked up instantly, his gaze locking onto yours.
He stood quickly, his movements fluid despite the obvious exhaustion etched into his features. "Xavier?" he asked, his tone neutral but edged with concern.
βYeah,β you croaked out, your voice raspy and weak, accompanied by a small nod. You avoided his gaze, focusing on the floor as you closed the door behind you. Without another word, you turned and began walking toward the stairs, your feet moving automatically.
But you hadnβt gone far when Loganβs hand gently caught your wrist, halting your steps. βHey,β he said softly followed by muttering your name, his voice a plea more than a call.
You froze, your body stiffening at the contact. For a moment, you couldnβt bring yourself to turn, couldnβt bear to see the worry or frustration in his eyes. But his pull was gentle, almost reluctant, and it broke through your hesitation. Slowly, you turned to face him, your gaze falling to where his hand wrapped around your wrist.
βYou donβt have to go,β he murmured, his voice quiet but firm. βI can talk to Charles.β His thumb brushed lightly against your wrist, the touch grounding in its tenderness.
βNo, Logan,β you said, shaking your head, your voice steadier this time. βThis is my responsibility.β
His grip loosened but didnβt fall away, his thumb still tracing soothing circles on your skin. βAlright,β he muttered, his tone almost resigned, though his words carried an undercurrent of understanding.
His voice pulled your gaze upward, and for the first time, you met his eyes fully. They were heavy with exhaustion and unspoken emotions, a reflection of everything he wasnβt saying but felt nonetheless. You swallowed hard, guilt gnawing at you as your eyes flicked from his to his lips for the briefest momentβa fleeting, subconscious act.
Realizing what youβd done, you flinched slightly, pulling your wrist free from his grasp. βIβll be fine,β you mumbled, turning quickly and walking toward the stairs without sparing him another glance.
Behind you, Logan let out a quiet sigh, his frustration palpable. He followed a step behind, unwilling to let you face whatever awaited you alone, even if you didnβt want his company.
The room fell silent as you stepped in, Logan following close behind. All eyes turned toward you, their gazes heavy, searing into your already fragile composure. You glanced around the table, forcing yourself to take in each expression, though you couldnβt linger for long.
Scottβs face was a mask of barely restrained fury, his jaw clenched, his lips pressed into a thin line. Even behind his visor, you could feel the weight of his disappointment. It radiated off him, sharp and cutting, like a physical blow.
Beside him, Jean sat with her hands clasped tightly in her lap, her face pale, her eyes rimmed with red. She wasnβt just mourningβshe was devastated, her grief a palpable force that seemed to drain the room of warmth.
Ororoβs expression was harder to decipher. Her lips pressed together in a grim line, her eyes clouded with a mix of emotionsβgrief, perhaps, but also a quiet sadness that hinted at disappointment.
Hank sat hunched over, his hands clasped tightly on the table, his brow furrowed in an almost pained expression. His guilt was etched into every line of his face, though you knew this wasnβt on him. Still, it weighed on him as if it were.
Finally, your eyes landed on Charles. His face was as composed as ever, his expression neutral and unreadable. Yet the silence that lingered between you spoke volumes. There was no condemnation in his gaze, but no reassurance, eitherβjust the quiet presence of a man who had seen too much.
The weight of their collective stares became unbearable, and you looked down, focusing on the floor as you moved to take an empty seat. Loganβs hand lightly brushed your back, a silent anchor, before he stepped around you to take the chair beside yours.
The silence in the meeting room was oppressive as Charles cleared his throat, his voice calm yet heavy with the weight of the situation.
βWeβre here to discuss the unfortunate events that has occurred,β he began, his tone measured, βAnd to prepare for Mayaβs funeral this morning.β
The mention of her name sent a fresh wave of guilt crashing over you. You stared at the table, unable to meet anyoneβs eyes.
Scott, however, wasted no time, his voice sharp and biting. βShe needs to explain herself.β His gaze burned into you, and though you couldnβt see his eyes behind the visor, the fury in his voice was unmistakable. βA student is dead, because she couldnβt keep her head straight.β
Logan shifted in his seat beside you, his fists curling against the table. βEase up, Summers,β he growled, his tone low and menacing.
βNo,β Scott shot back, his voice rising. βYou think this is something we can just brush off? Mayaβs gone, and someone needs to be held accountable!β
Logan leaned forward, his voice cold and deliberate. βAccountable? You wanna talk about accountability, Scott? Maybe we should start with who came back drunk last night.β
Scott froze, his jaw tightening as Loganβs words hit their mark.
βShe was trying to do the team a favorβ Logan continued, his gaze hard.
βLogan,β Charles interjected, his tone a quiet warning, but Logan ignored him, his focus locked on Scott.
βYou werenβt out there,β Logan said, his voice sharp as claws. βYou didnβt see what we were up against.β
Scott looked like he wanted to fire back, but Jean placed a hand on his arm, her touch calming him just enough to make him sit back.
Charles turned to you, his expression gentler. βPlease, tell us what happened,β he said, his tone more of a request than a command.
Your hands tightened into fists against your knees, your voice trembling as you began.
βLogan and I got her into the car, we were already leaving from the facility and her condition was wellβ you said quietly, your throat tightening. βI thought we were clear, but thenβ¦β You hesitated, the memory of that moment flashing vividly in your mind.
βThey catch up with bikers and started shooting, the window shatteredβ you continued, your voice breaking. βA bulletβ¦ or maybe a glass, it nicked through her neck.β
You couldnβt say more, your words catching as your breaths grew shallow. Loganβs hand moved, his rough palm settling atop your trembling one where it gripped your knee tightly. His warmth anchored you, his touch gentle but grounding.
βWe almost got her,β Logan said, his voice low but steady, cutting through the tension in the room. His tone carried a weight of guilt, even though you knew it wasnβt his to bear. βI couldnβt drive fast enough.β
His admission hung in the air, raw and unfiltered, as if he blamed himself when the truth was far from that.
βIt wasnβt his fault,β you said, your voice barely audible, but firm. βIt was mine. It was my idea to move faster, to take the risk.β
Loganβs grip on your hand tightened just slightly, a silent protest against your self-blame.
The room remained quiet for a moment, the weight of your words sinking in. Even Scott, though still fuming, seemed to falter, the sharp edges of his anger dulled by the rawness of what had been said.
Charlesβs gaze lingered on you and Logan, his expression unreadable but thoughtful.
Jean was the first to break the silence. βAnd Ellie?β she asked softly, her voice laced with concern.
The reminder hit you like a punch to the gut. Ellie. You swallowed hard, your throat dry. βWe didnβt find her. Sheβs still out there.β
Scottβs scowl deepened. βSo, weβre sitting here, wasting time when we should be focusing on finding her.β
βWe will,β Charles said firmly.
Ororo looked to you, her expression thoughtful but troubled. βWhy would they target children, especially girls?β she asked. βIt seems deliberate.β
You took a deep breath, choosing your words carefully. βBecause girls are less likely to be seen as a threat,β you said, your voice steady. βTheyβre easier to overlook, which makes it simpler to take them without raising alarm. And if theyβre young enough, theyβre more vulnerableβless likely to fight back or escape.β
You paused, glancing around the room. βBut itβs not just about control. Girls are often underestimated, even when they have powerful abilities. Someone like Maya, with her supersonic scream, or Ellie, who can manipulate fireβthat kind of power in someone people donβt expect to be dangerous? Itβs exactly what these people want. They can groom them into weapons without the same resistance theyβd face from boys or adults.β
Ororoβs expression hardened as your words sank in, the room falling silent under the weight of the revelation.
Hank nodded solemnly. βTheir methods align with that theory. The equipment and resources weβve seen point to calculated, targeted operations.β
βWe need to find Ellie,β Scott said, his tone resolute. βAnd we need to stop SAC and Killebrew before they take anyone else.β
Logan leaned back in his chair, his hand still resting lightly atop yours. βWe gotta face something biggerβ he began, his voice steady but edged with tension, βThis wasnβt just random. The SAC, theyβre mixed up in this probably alongside with CIA and Killebrew too. This ainβt the first time weβve crossed paths with the man, he could be deep with all this.β
Scottβs scowl deepened, and he crossed his arms. βWeβve dealt with Killebrew before,β he said sharply. βThere's not enough solid proof he was behind these new experiments. Just speculation. The man's old, he's running out of time.β
βSpeculation doesnβt get us anywhere,β Ororo said softly, though her tone carried a distinct edge.
Jean leaned forward, her voice low. βIf Killebrew is involved, we need to connect him to SAC and whoever else is funding these operations. Otherwise, weβll just be chasing shadows again.β
Hank adjusted his glasses and sighed. βThe attack on Maya and the equipment used tell us a lot. I analyzed the bike, custom made. Itβs clear their resources are not only military-grade but could also specifically designed for counter-mutant operations. This suggests direct involvement from SAC, with Killebrewβs expertise likely supporting their goals.β
βWhat exactly are their goals, Hank?β Charles asked, his tone even but probing.
βFrom what weβve gathered so far,β Hank said, his voice growing more serious, βitβs not just containment. SAC is using Killebrewβs methods to experiment on mutants. Theyβre trying to weaponize abilities. Think back to the enhanced weaponry we encounteredβtheyβre taking mutant DNA and turning it into tools for warfare.β
A heavy silence followed as the weight of Hankβs words settled over the room.
Logan broke it, his voice rough. βWe need to hit their base again. Thereβs gotta be somethinβ thereβa lead, intel, anything. Webknow what weβre walkinβ into this time.β
Scott scoffed, his frustration bubbling over. βYeah because this time nobody's gonna be harmedβ His voice was sharp, his anger directed more at the situation than any one person.
Loganβs jaw clenched, but his voice stayed level. βCan you stop being such an asshole for five fucking minutes?β he said pointedly, as Scott referencing the recklessness of his and your recent off-mission behavior.
The tension between them was palpable, but before it could escalate, Charles raised a hand. βEnough,β he said firmly. His tone left no room for argument.
Jean quickly stepped in. βLetβs focus. We canβt afford to splinter as a team.β
Hank nodded, his voice steady. βLoganβs right. Returning to their base may provide us with the evidence we need to finally pin this on Killebrew and SAC. We should move quickly before they clear out any remaining traces.β
Ororo glanced at Charles. βAnd Maya?β
Charlesβ face softened slightly, though his voice carried the weight of leadership. βWe will lay her to rest in the garden this morning. She was one of us, and she deserves to be honored as such. Afterward, weβll plan the mission in detail.β
The group exchanged solemn glances, unified in their grief but also in their determination.
Logan gave your hand a gentle squeeze before releasing it. βWeβll figure this out,β he said quietly, his gaze meeting yours for a fleeting moment.
The room fell into a heavy silence after Charles dismissed the team, his parting words lingering in the air. "Pay your respects for Maya soon. She deserves it." One by one, everyone stood, somber and weighed down by grief.
You pushed yourself to your feet, still clutching your arms around your body for some semblance of comfort. The ache in your chest was unbearable, making it hard to even look up at the others. Logan followed closely behind as you stepped toward the door. By the time you exited the room, his palm rested gently on your back.
The touch was warm, steadyβan anchor in the storm you felt raging inside. A shiver ran down your spine, one you couldnβt suppress. His voice broke through the haze, low and calm, βYou should eat something.β
The suggestion felt like an afterthought in your daze, but it stirred a faint awareness of the emptiness in your stomach. You were too weak to respond, too wrapped up in your own exhaustion, but Loganβs sharp ears caught the faint growl from your stomach.
His lips twitched slightly, just enough for you to catch the ghost of a smirk. βI could make omelette and potatoes,β he said casually, as though trying to lighten the mood. βLike that one time, huh?β
A faint memory surfacedβLogan fumbling in the kitchen, you relentlessly judging his cooking skills for making something so basic. Youβd teased back then, earning a gruff chuckle and a sarcastic quip.
Now, despite the heaviness pressing down on you, a weak laugh escaped your lips. You glanced up at him, catching the faint amusement in his expression. His palm remained firm against your back, grounding you, while his other hand rested casually in his pocket.
But the small moment was shattered by a sharp voice from behind.
βRight, keep her tame like your little pet.β Scottβs words were venomous, startling you as you turned, not realizing heβd been walking behind you. Logan froze mid-step, his hand dropping from your back as he turned to face Scott.
βWhatddya said?β Loganβs voice was low, his tone barely controlled, carrying an edge that made you flinch.
Scott met his glare with one of his own, unflinching. βYou heard me, I said keep her tame like youββ
Scott never got to finish. Loganβs fist flew faster than you could react, connecting with Scottβs jaw in a sickening crack. You flinched, your body tensing as the scene unfolded before you.
Scott staggered back, his hand shooting to his jaw as he scowled. Without hesitation, he retaliated, throwing a punch that caught Logan square on the nose. Blood trickled down, but Logan barely seemed to notice. Instead, he grabbed Scott by the jacket, pulling him close.
You swear you couldn't care less about their immature behavior, you got too much on your plate and barely enough energy to raise your voice for them to hear. βPlease, just stopβ you said weakly, stepping forward, but the two were frozen in place before you could intervene.
You blinked in confusion, your voice uncertain as you took a cautious step closer. βLogan?β you called, your concern palpable as you inspected their frozen forms. Loganβs hand remained clenched around Scottβs jacket, while Scottβs arm hovered mid-air, inches away from his visor.
From behind you, a familiar voice broke the tense silence, tinged with exasperation. βTheyβre getting too old for this,β Jean said dryly, stepping into view.
βSince when could you do that?β you asked, glancing back to see Jean emerging from the meeting room.
She shrugged, a faint smile tugging at her lips. βProfessor taught me a while ago.β She clicked her tongue, strolling closer to inspect the scene. βLook at them.β
Despite yourself, a weak chuckle escaped. Jean nudged you lightly with her shoulder. βItβs kind of amusing,β you admitted, your voice soft but tinged with a hint of laughter.
Jean smirked, crossing her arms. βArenβt they?β
Charles and Hank appeared from the hallway, both glancing at the spectacle before them. Charles sighed but didnβt stop strolling, his voice calm but firm. βJean, let the poor gentlemen go.β
Hank shook his head but said nothing, following Charles without breaking stride. Jean tilted her head slightly, and in an instant, Logan and Scott were moving again.
Logan blinked, releasing his grip on Scottβs jacket as he stepped back. Scott stopped his arm mid-motion, lowering it reluctantly as he glared at Logan.
βNot cool,β Logan muttered toward Jean, his voice rough with irritation.
Jean just smirked, her attention already shifting. Logan turned back to you, his features softening immediately. βCβmon,β he said, tilting his head and gesturing for you to follow.
You clutched your arms tighter around yourself, your exhaustion evident as you walked to his side. His palm found its place on your back again, steady and comforting.
Jean and Scott trailed behind, their voices low.
βAre they together or something?β Scott whispered, his tone both bitter and curious.
Jean gave him a look, her lips curving into a faint smile. βI donβt know.β
Scott frowned, skeptical. βWhat do you mean you donβt know? Youβre a telepath.β
Jean rolled her eyes, her smile widening as she glanced ahead at you and Logan. βSome things are better left unanswered, Scott.β
The garden was silent except for the soft rustling of leaves in the morning breeze. The students and staff of Xavierβs School had gathered in somber rows, faces etched with grief. The small tombstone stood freshly planted in the earth, its inscription simple yet heartbreaking:
Maya Fernandez
Gone but not forgotten.
You stared at it, the weight in your chest growing heavier with each passing second. The sound of Charlesβs voice delivering a eulogy barely registered, muffled as though you were underwater. You couldnβt bring yourself to look anywhere else, not even as the team began to disperse after the ceremony.
Logan stood across from you, his arms crossed tightly, his sharp eyes fixed on your still figure. He hadnβt moved since the gathering started, lingering at a respectful distance but watching you closely.
One by one, the others left the garden, the sound of footsteps fading into the background. Ororo cast a last glance in your direction, her expression heavy with sympathy before walking away. Jean lingered for a moment, exchanging a look with Logan before she too left, leaving only the two of you standing there.
Loganβs boots crunched softly against the gravel as he approached. His presence was solid, grounding, but he hesitated as he neared you. His jaw worked, as though he was trying to find words, but nothing came out.
Finally, he stood by your side, silent. His hand hovered near your back before finally resting there, his touch tentative at first, seeking permission. When you didnβt flinch or pull away, his palm slid gently to the curve of your waist. The pressure was light but steady, a silent invitation to let him be there for you.
Without looking up to him, you stepped closer, leaning into his side. The movement was instinctive, your body desperate for some kind of support as your legs threatened to give out beneath you. Loganβs arm tightened around you slightly, anchoring you to him.
Your left arm reached around his back, clutching at the fabric of his shirt like a lifeline. The closeness sent a faint shiver down his spine, but he said nothing, letting you take what you needed. Your right hand rested against his chest, your fingers brushing over the soft shirt he wore as you wiped away tears that seemed endless.
βYou're always have been the resilient one,β Logan murmured, voice low and rough but carrying a gentleness.
You shook your head. βNot today.β
He exhaled deeply, his hand moving in small, soothing circles against your waist. βAnd thatβs okay,β he said quietly.
The words, simple as they were, broke through the dam holding back your emotions. You buried your face against his chest, muffling the quiet sobs that racked your body. Logan stayed still, his broad frame solid against you, his warmth a shield against the cold weight of grief.
By the time darkness had fallen, the team was already prepared for a calculated mission to find Ellie, putting the grief of Maya aside to save, hopefully, the living one. You'd picked a twin pair of handgunsβglossy blackβsafely secured in their holsters.
The Blackbird took off as usual, with Hank in the pilotβs seat and Ororo co-piloting. Logan, as always, secured his favorite spot next to you on the long bench in the cabin, various straps holding his broad frame in place.
However, unlike the rest of the team, Logan wasnβt dressed in the usual black suitβno tactical gear, no uniform. He just sat there in a pair of jeans and a simple black shirt alongside with black leather jacket, like he didnβt have a single care in the world.
Scott eyed him, his lips twitching in mild exasperation. "You're seriously not going to wear the team gear?" he asked, an eyebrow arched.
Logan shot him a quick glance, his usual smirk playing at the corners of his lips. "Nah. Don't need it."
"Party pooper," Scott muttered under his breath, rolling his eyes.
Logan didnβt bother responding, keeping his focus on the mission ahead.
It was a smooth takeoff at first, but soon heavy clouds began shaking the Blackbird. Despite its sophisticated technology, it couldnβt fully defy nature's might. The turbulence wasnβt unfamiliar to you, but the violent tremors made even you a bit uneasy. Your mutation would protect you if anything happened, but you couldn't help wishing this particular flight would remain incident-free. After all, this plane carried the only people you truly cared about in your half-century of life.
You glanced toward the cockpit. Hankβs normally calm demeanor was strained as he gave Ororo instructions, his voice steady but clipped. Ororo nodded, adjusting the controls to lower the jet and avoid the worst of the storm. Their calm professionalism grounded you, even as the turbulence worsened.
Jean and Scott sat across from you and Logan. Scottβs expression was unreadable behind those glasses, his posture relaxed as though turbulence were just a minor inconvenience. Jean, gripping her seatbelt casually, seemed equally unbothered. Your gaze drifted left to Logan, though, and what you saw surprised you.
His eyes were shut tight, his jaw clenched, and his hands gripped the safety straps like they were his lifeline. A sheen of sweat glistened on his forehead, and his normally robust complexion had turned pale. His lips were pressed together so hard they almost disappeared.
He was scared. That was new.
βFor someone who canβt die, you kinda sucks at it,β you quipped, hoping to lighten the mood.
Loganβs eyes snapped open, meeting yours, but the stress etched into his features didnβt soften. The lines on his forehead deepened as he shook his head silently, a clear sign he wasnβt in the mood for your jokes.
Realizing youβd misread the situation, you softened your tone. βItβs just a little turbulence,β you said, trying to reassure him, but the jet betrayed you as another violent jolt rocked the cabin. Logan grunted, his grip tightening on the straps.
βLittleβs a strong word,β he muttered through gritted teeth, his knuckles white from the pressure of his grip. His breathing grew short and shallow, a rhythm that immediately set off alarms in your mind.
βLogan, breathe,β you said gently, leaning closer. His eyes locked onto yours, and you exaggerated a deep, steady breath, silently urging him to follow. Slowly, he began to mimic you, his breathing evening out with each deliberate inhale and exhale. Another slight shake hit the jet, but this time he managed to stay calm, his breathing steady under your watchful gaze.
You nodded to him, and he returned the gesture before breaking eye contact, his hands finally relaxing their death grip on the straps. He let them slide down to rest on his thighs, his shoulders sagging as some tension left his body.
Then another violent jolt struck, causing Loganβs hands to clench into fists on his thighs. You caught snippets of conversation from the cockpit as Hank and Ororo discussed a change in altitude to escape the worst of the storm. Acting on instinct, you placed your hand over Loganβs right arm, the one gripping his thigh.
His gaze darted to your hand, a flicker of surprise and, perhaps, gratitude flashing across his face. Almost immediately, his grip relaxed, his arm going still under your touch. You rubbed small circles on his forearm with your thumb, a soothing motion that seemed to anchor him further.
From across the cabin, Jean caught your eye, her expression laced with quiet amusement. She smiled softly, and you pressed your lips into a thin line, feeling warmth creeping up your neck. You quickly shifted your focus back to Logan, whose arm beneath your palm now felt steadier, the tension in his body beginning to ebb away.
Jean turned slightly, nudging Scott with her shoulder. Without speaking, she sent him a telepathic message: "Theyβre going to end up together by the end of the week."
Scott glanced at her, raising an eyebrow in amusement. His thoughts answered hers with a teasing tone: "End of the week? Please. I give it forty-eight hours."
Jean raised an eyebrow back at him, her lips twitching in a restrained smile. "Oh yeah? Wanna bet?" The spark of challenge in her tone was unmistakable.
Scott smirked, meeting her gaze. "Sure. If I win, Iβm picking the next Saturday movie night."
Jeanβs nose wrinkled in mock disgust. "Ugh, not a three-hour boring war movies. Fine, but if I win, weβre going on a picnic Sunday morning. No excuses."
Scott tilted his head, feigning consideration before nodding. "Deal."
Their expressions mirrored a conspiratorial delight, both barely containing their amusement as they exchanged a subtle smile. Scott leaned back, looking smug, while Jean cast another knowing glance in your direction.
Neither you nor Logan noticed the silent exchange, too absorbed in the moment between you. Loganβs grip had relaxed completely now, and your thumb instinctively moved in small circles over his arm. Whatever storm lingered inside him seemed to settle under your touch.
Jean fought the urge to laugh, her amusement evident as she leaned slightly toward Scott. Telepathically, she added: "Better start picking your movie, Summers."
Scott's response came swiftly, with equal confidence. "Better packing that picnic basket, Grey."
The rough flight to the SAC headquarters had unsettled the team, though Logan hid it better than most. The turbulence seemed almost symbolic, foreshadowing the chaos they were about to face. When the Blackbird finally touched down, everyone was tense but laser-focused. Logan led the charge during the initial infiltration, his claws carving a silent, efficient path through the guards. Behind him, Ororo and Scott cleared the way for Hank and Jean to access the facility's systems. You followed suit, the rhythm of combat grounding you in the moment.
The team split up for efficiency. You found yourself alone, navigating the sterile hallways. The lab doors loomed ahead, and when you stepped inside, a sight far worse than you'd imagined greeted you.
Stacks of files and records lined the walls, their labels clinical and cold: Mutation Experimentation Logs, Specimen Decommission Reports. You hesitated, dread coiling in your gut. Pulling out a file at random, you scanned the contents, each word cutting deeper than the last.
The SAC wasnβt just experimenting on mutantsβit was cross-breeding them with animals to create grotesque hybrids. Descriptions of failed experiments leaped off the page, detailing lives spent in agony before termination. Your breath hitched as you stumbled across a photo clipped to the file: a child, no older than ten, with reptilian scales covering half her body. The caption read: Deceased β Subject incompatible with human host.
Your hand trembled as you shut the file and grabbed another. This one bore a name you recognizedβIvan Sokolov. A pit formed in your stomach as your eyes skimmed through the familiar handwriting: Killebrew's.
"Subject terminated following loss of viability due to prolonged suppression of mutation. Will be sent to battlefield without request for funds. Further trials planned with new candidates."
The words blurred for a moment, but your gaze snapped back to a single phrase that sent a chill down your spine: "prolonged suppression of mutation."
Mutation? Ivan was a mutant?
Your breath caught, your pulse pounding as you scrambled to reread the lines, searching for anything that might explain. Ivan, your closest friend in that desolate sea of blood and cruelty, had never hinted at being anything other than human. He hadnβt had the enhanced strength or agility some mutants wore like badges. He hadnβt shown any signs of powers you could remember.
The realization struck like a thunderboltβhe never told you. Or perhaps, he couldn't. The military had kept his secret, used him just as they had used you. But why? What was his mutation? Questions clawed at your mind, unanswered and unanswerable, now that Ivan was gone.
Your vision blurred as you returned to the file, flipping through pages frantically. Buried amidst the clinical notes was a vague mention: "Unidentified genetic anomaly. Presumed linked to cognitive augmentation." Cognitive augmentation? Your chest tightened. Ivan had always been the strategist, the one who saw patterns, who seemed to anticipate moves before they happened.
The finality of Killebrewβs wordsβdiscarded like so many othersβhit you with full force. He wasnβt just a casualty of war. He had been erased, his humanity stripped away in the same cruel experiments that had stolen so many others.
Ivan had been a flicker of light in your darkness, the anchor that kept you grounded when the horrors of the battlefield threatened to swallow you whole. And now, that light was snuffed out, leaving you alone with the knowledge of the secret he had carried to his grave.
Your hands shook as you shut the file. But this time, it wasnβt just grief. It was rageβcold, seething, unrelenting rage. Ivan had deserved better. They all had.
A sound behind you snapped you out of your daze. Whirling around, you saw Logan emerging from another hallway, flanked by four wide-eyed children. Their faces were pale, their thin bodies trembling with fear.
"There's more?" you asked, your voice barely above a whisper.
"Another batch of kids these bastards managed to catch," Logan growled, his tone a mix of rage and quiet grief. βStill no sign of Ellie.β
Your jaw tightened. βTake them back to the jet. I'll keep looking.β
Logan's eyes narrowed. "Not alone, you're not."
βLogan,β you said firmly, your eyes locking with his. βThey need you more than I do. Iβll manage.β
He stared at you for a moment, torn between arguing and trusting you. Finally, he relented. βFine. Be careful.β
You nodded and moved past him, your steps purposeful despite the storm of emotions churning inside you.
Deeper into the facility, you found another lab, and your heart sank at the sight. Ellie sat inside a cage, her small frame curled up in a corner. A thick collar rested around her neckβthe same mutation-suppressing device you knew all too well. Her tear-streaked face lifted at the sound of the door opening, and your chest tightened.
βEllieβ¦β you whispered, stepping closer, but your movement was halted by a voice that sent ice down your spine.
βThey found a way to unlock your collar,β Killebrew said, emerging from the shadows with a smug smile. βStill playing the hero, them disgusting mutants band messed with your head.β
Your fists clenched at your sides. βLet her go.β
Killebrew ignored your demand, circling the room with calculated steps. βDo you ever stop to think, my dear? Everyone who comes near you ends up dead. Ivan. Your father. Your mother. Youβre a curse.β
The mention of your parents made you freeze. βWhat did you say?β
He tilted his head, his smirk widening. βYour fatherβs betrayal was just the beginning, wasnβt it? But your motherβoh, she broke after his death. I heard she didnβt last long. A few months, maybe?β
The words sliced through you, but you refused to show weakness. βWhat did you do to Ivan?!β you hissed.
Killebrew chuckled, leaning casually against the workstation. βFace itβyouβre nothing but a harbinger of death to those around you. Maybe your new guy canβt die this time, but I suspect something far worse than death is already creeping up on him. The big bad Wolverine with fire and flesh... Oh, they call you βHollowβ now, donβt they? I have to admit, you two make such an exquisite pair.β
Rage boiled over. With a growl, you launched yourself at him. The fight was vicious, Killebrew surprisingly agile for his age. He dodged your first swing, reaching for a scalpel, but you knocked it away. As the scuffle continued, you kicked over the cage holding Ellie, breaking it open.
βRun!β you shouted at her. βFind the others!β
Ellie hesitated, her wide eyes darting between you and Killebrew. βGo!β you yelled, your voice raw. Finally, she bolted, disappearing into the hallway.
Killebrew used the distraction to strike, slamming a piece of equipment into your side. Pain flared, but you ignored it, throwing yourself back into the fight with renewed fury.
Ellie stumbled into Scott first. βI found her!β he called into the comms. βSheβs alive, but we need to move. Everyone, back to the Blackbird!β
Jean and Hank joined quickly, carrying armfuls of documents. By the time they reached the jet, Logan was already there with the other children, his expression dark and searching.
βWhere is she?β Logan barked, his eyes scanning the group. When no one answered, he yelled your name.
βSheβll manage,β Scott said firmly, strapping in. βWe canβt risk the kids.β
Loganβs jaw tightened, his rage simmering just below the surface. βFine,β he snapped, storming out of the jet. Jean called after him, but he ignored her, leaping down and heading back toward the facility.
βLogan, wait!β she yelled again, but he was already gone.
Scott shook his head. βStart the engines,β he ordered, leaving no room for debate. The roar of the Blackbird filled the air as Logan disappeared into the woods, determined to bring you back.
That old age isnβt lying; Killebrew is slow and canβt put up with your fight for so long. You manage to tie him to the laboratory chair with cable and some ropeβgod knows for what. His ridiculous face whining in pain and gray hair striking under the harsh light is absolutely amusing.
You shake your head, the view is amusing, but you canβt shake the question out of your system. What the fuck happened to Ivan? So you pull a chair and sit across from him.
βWhatβd you do to Ivan?β you manage to ask calmly, despite the raging storm.
βInjected him with the formula I bought from Russia. It was so expensive, he was practically a waste of funds.β
βWaste of fucking funds?!β You grunt in disgust. βWhy didnβt he ever tell me? Why didnβt you?β
Killebrew shakes his head, confused. βTell you what?!β he yells in frustration.
βThat he was a mutant?! All this time, I thought he was human. Some random guy that got tangled under the filthy US government military that he probably didnβt even know half of what was going on. And I just fucking find out heβs one of your projects, just like me. Whyβd you keep it from me?β you cry in frustration.
Killebrewβs brows narrow together. βWhy on earth would I fucking tell you that? Iβm rather surprised he didnβt tell you,β he says, leaning back with the slightest grin forming on his lips.
You shake your head. Of course, he didnβt fucking care. And here you are, thinking he kept it all away for a reason, but itβs all on Ivan. He didnβt tell you anything, and you thought you knew him, only to be proven that you didnβt know him at all, years after he was gone.
You sit in silence, letting this new fact that alters a big part of your life sink in. Your head feels heavy, and it suddenly drops as you look at the floor.
A whole year, maybe even a little more than that, you were stationed together. Sure, a year is a pretty short time to get to know someone new, but itβs a different case when the only time you didnβt see each other was a week out of that one year. You and Ivan, alongside ten other human soldiersβor at least you thought they were human because now Ivan has you questioning everythingβwere stationed under that sergeant whose name you can barely remember. But you remember every minute you spent with Ivan.
He told you his father was in the military. It was a common ground that instantly clicked between you two. You remembered his witty jokes: βWhatβs a girl like you doing in a place like this? I bet ten dollars your father served.β To which you instantly replied, βAnd I bet you twenty your pops also served.β That day, you lost ten dollars but also gained another ten.
Heβs from Montana, he told you that. His father served in the military and wanted him to be a real man and serve their country for being so kind to them as refugees. His father used to say their family owed America their lives, which you both laughed your asses off at. Owing America your life... what a shithole nightmare of a life to live.
He left Russia when he was six and never came back. He told you that. He pretty much fucking told you everything about his life because none of the other ten soldiers were fun to talk to. You did the same thingβtold him pretty much everything about your life, even the experiments Killebrew had done and how they affected you. He had shared his sincere apology to you for it, but that was all.
You two lived the same life. He never told you that part. He never told you he was also an experiment, someone whose choices were taken and rights violated?
βSo, Ivanβs father also sold his son to you?β you ask, finally breaking the heavy silence and lifting your head.
βSold? He volunteered,β Killebrew says.
Before you can speak, Killebrew opens his mouth again. βIt was because of you. He adored your ability and wanted to have what you have. That one week off, when all of Sergeant Cooperβs soldiers were sent back to regroup, Ivan willingly came to me. His body just rejected it.β
Your breath comes in shallow at another heartbreaking piece of information dropped like some atomic bomb on your head. What the actual fuck? Why would he fucking do that? His blood is actually on your hands? Gosh, heβs so fucking stupidβyou should never have told him about your experiment.
Youβre upset, angry about his decision. You canβt wrap your head around it. Just why? You feel like throwing the chair across the room. Your hands go up to your head, massaging your temples, then rest on your thighs as you bend slightly forward in the chair.
Oh. My. Fucking. God.
As youβre distracted, too busy controlling your breath, Killebrew slips himself free with a piece of broken glass hidden under his white coat sleeve. He cuts the knot on his hand and lunges at you, stabbing you in the neck with the glass.
You scream in pain as he frees himself from the other knot. Your hand instinctively covers the stab wound, carefully pulling the glass out and letting your skin knit itself back together.
He runs toward one of the labβs drawers and opens a metal door. You try to chase him but stop in horror at the sight of what he grabs.
A mutation inhibitor collar.
βOne step closer, and you wonβt fucking survive this time, bitch!β he spits, holding the collar out toward you as you stand a few steps away, raising your hands smartly to avoid getting caught in that shit again.
Fuck him.
You run toward him and lunge, knocking him in the stomach until his body drops with a loud thud onto the floor. You pin him in place, and he drops the collar.
Combat isnβt your strong suit, but right now, you want nothing more than to punch him bare in the face. Your fist curls, and you land a fat punch straight to his nose. He grunts in pain and manages to grab a piece of steel, smashing it into your head.
The fight isn't over. You slam Killebrew's head into the wall with a sickening thud, his skull making contact with the concrete. ΠΠ΅ lets out a sharp cry of pain, but you don't stop. You keep smashing his head, again and again, until there's a small pool of blood trickling from the back of his skull. He slumps against the wall, his body barely staying upright, but still conscious.
Footsteps approach. Logan walks in, his gaze immediately locking onto the scene. He stops just in time to see you standing over Killebrew, his figure now small and pitiful, sitting and leaning against the wall, panting heavily.
"Hey," Logan calls your name softly. You turn at the sound of his voice. His expression softens when he sees you, his eyes scanning you for any sign of injury. "You okay?"
You nod, not trusting yourself to speak. His hand reaches for your shoulder briefly, giving you a comforting squeeze.
Logan looks down at Killebrew, who's still breathing heavily, his face twisted in pain. "Look at you two," Killebrew sneers, his voice ragged. "Gonna outlive every single person you knew on this earth, until nobody's left but the two of you. A match made in hell, an eternal damnation."
Logan glances at you, and you start walking away. He follows, his voice lowering. "Aren't you gonna finish the job?" he asks.
You shake your head. "Let him suffer."
Logan steps in front of you, halting your progress. "Woah, woah, what if someone finds him and rescues him?" He looks at you, concern flashing in his eyes.
You pause, eyes flickering to Killebrew as he struggles for breath. "If I kill him, I'm just proving his point," you murmur, voice barely above a whisper.
"You're not what he created," Logan's gaze softens as he processes your words. He nods in understanding. "If he survives, he won't stop."
"I know," you sigh, running a hand through your hair. "You might think I'm crazy, but I just... I'm proving this to myself. That I'm much better than him." Your gaze falls to the floor, your emotions a mess.
Logan steps closer, his breath steady, his tone gentle. "Do you want him dead?"
"Logan, I-"
"It's a yes or no question," he says cutting you off, more firm now, his voice low but unwavering.
You take a deep breath. "Yeah." You sigh, the word heavy on your chest.
Without another word, Logan walks past you, his figure casting a shadow over Killebrew's beaten form. He kneels down in front of Killebrew and curls his fist, bringing it to the man's chest. His claws emerge with a sharp, unmistakable snikt, and without hesitation, he stabs them right into Killebrew's heart.
The life drains from Killebrew's eyes, and his body goes limp. Logan pulls his claws out, the blood dripping slowly down his wrist. He retracts them, wiping his other palm across the blood-stained hand without a care in the world.
He stands up and looks at you, your eyes flickering with something, gratitude, maybe. He approaches you, his hand warm as it rests gently on your back.
"C'mon," he says softly. "Let's get outta here."
You nod, and together, you walk away, leaving the body of Killebrew behind.
The two of you walk down a desolate road, surrounded by dense woods whose name you don't even know. Glancing at your watch, you note it's half-past midnight. You still canβt believe Logan had no better plan for getting back to the mansion than walking. Itβs freezing, and the single piece of black leather youβre wearing does nothing to help. And now, left alone with Logan again, you canβt ignore the awkwardness lingering between you two.
A question drums against your skull, one youβve yet to address properly. You cringe at the thought of saying it out loud, but it keeps circling in your mind.
What the hell are we?
Maybe drop the "hell"βjust what are we? Dear god, it sounds absolutely pathetic. Maybe Logan does this often, yβknow, the casual thing. Youβre not against it, but the idea doesnβt sit right with you. Especially since, wellβ¦ itβs Logan. He gave you the best head youβve ever had.
Or maybe itβs better left as is. No strings, no drama. No breakups, no obligations. Nobody gets left behind because there wasnβt anything to fulfill in the first place.
The two of you keep walking down the road. A few cars pass by, and Logan halfheartedly sticks his thumb out for a ride. You quickly point out that itβs not the brightest idea.
Then, a light catches your eyeβa building, glowing in the dark with a bright orange sign. "You hungry?" you ask, nudging Logan with your shoulder and nodding toward the diner across the road, about a hundred yards away.
Katz Diner, the sign reads, gleaming through the gloom of night.
"We donβt have any money," Logan says, his boots crunching against the gravel.
"You donβt have any money," you reply, reaching into the pocket of your holster and pulling out two neatly folded hundred-dollar bills.
Logan scoffs, clearly amused. "Youβre carryinβ cash around on a mission?"
"What? This is a survival kit." You flash him a wide smile, and his husky chuckle follows, warm and familiar against the cold night air.
The two of you finally make it to the diner, your steps quickening as the glowing orange sign promises warmth and food. But as you reach the glass door, the truth dawns on you. A "CLOSED" sign hangs in clear view, mocking your misplaced hope. You groan, your breath fogging up the glass as you clutch yourself against the biting cold.
"Asshole," you mutter under your breath, shivering as you glare at the locked door.
Logan glances down at you, his expression unreadable except for that flicker of mischief in his eyes. Without a word, you already know what heβs about to do.
"Logan, donβtβ"
Before you can finish, his fist smashes through the glass. You flinch at the sound, but Logan barely reacts, calmly reaching through the jagged shards to unlock the door. Pushing it open, he gestures for you to go in first.
"Youβll have to leave the hundred bucks on a table," he says, stepping aside with a smirk.
You roll your eyes, walking past him into the dark, empty diner.
"Weβre gonna get arrested," you tease, glancing around the quiet interior. Your gaze catches a red light from CCTV camera mounted in the corner of the ceiling.
"But maybe if thereβs no footage," you quip, pulling your gun from its holster.
The loud crack of the gunshot shatters the stillness, and Logan startles, snapping his head toward you. "Geez, give a guy some warning, will ya?"
"Whereβs the fun in that?" you reply with a grin, holstering your weapon as you take stock of the diner.
Behind the counter, you push open the swinging door to the kitchen. A quick glance around reveals a treasure trove of ingredientsβraw chicken, beef, potatoes, eggs, butter, pasta, tomatoes, sausages, bacon, and more.
"Jackpot," you mutter, pulling a few items off the shelves.
Logan steps into the kitchen, leaning against the counter as you inspect the food. "You planning to cook or hoard?"
You toss a bag of potatoes at him, which he catches with ease. "Both," you shoot back.
Within minutes, the two of you are working side by side, a light banter filling the room as you chop, stir, and fry. Logan handles the meat, seasoning and grilling the chicken and bacon with surprising skill. Meanwhile, you focus on the carbs, boiling pasta and mashing potatoes.
"You're getting better with that," you remark, watching as Logan flips the bacon in a pan.
"Had to learn," he replies with a shrug. "Ain't gonna risk the chance of you callin' my meal closer to inedible, again..."
You chuckle recalling your own joke to him "I really did hit a nerve there huh?" you tease.
Logan smirks, glancing at you out of the corner of his eye. "Wound still fresh"
The playful tone lingers in the air as you finish cooking, the warm scent of food filling the room. You walk from the kitchen to the table first, balancing your plate carefully, eager to sit and eat. But as you place it down, Logan appears behind you like a shadow, plate in hand, following without a word.
You turn back toward the kitchen, remembering your forgotten glass of water, and nearly crash into him. You freeze as he blocks your way, standing so close that you feel his warmth against the cold air of the diner. Startled, you glance up, and for a brief moment, his heavy, tired eyes bore into yours. Itβs like heβs seeing through you, and youβre not sure if you want to look away or keep holding his gaze.
The tension breaks awkwardly as you both shift to move, but in the same direction, cutting each other off. You chuckle nervously. "You want water?"
Loganβs lips twitch into a soft smile, rare and disarming. "Yeah."
You gesture to his right, stepping aside to give him space. "Okay, Iβll go this way, you go that way," you say, slipping past him and retreating to grab two glasses.
Your breath feels shaky as you fill the glasses, your mind stuck on that split-second where he had looked at you. Only if he knew how much he was affecting you, how much you couldnβt shake the feeling of his eyes on you.
When you return, Logan is already seated, waiting. You slide the glass to his side of the table, his quiet "Thanks" breaking the silence as you take your seat.
You eat in silence at first, avoiding his gaze, your eyes fixed on your plate. The chicken looks unappetizing, under-seasoned and bland, but you tell yourself itβs fineβyouβve had worse.
Logan, on the other hand, occasionally glances up from his plate to you. His fork pauses midway to his mouth as he studies you, the way your focus stays locked on your food, the way you keep your head down.
Finally, he speaks. "Yβalright?" His voice is steady, cutting through the quiet scrape of utensils against plates.
You shrug without looking up. "Yeah."
Your gaze shifts to the window beside you, the yellow streetlight casting a faint glow against the black of night. Itβs easier to stare at that than at him. After a moment, you bring your attention back to your plate, but the awkward weight of his question still lingers in the air.
Loganβs fork clinks softly as he sets it down, leaning back in the booth. His sharp eyes donβt leave you. "Whatβs wrong?" he asks again, his voice gentler this time, but persistent.
"Nothing," you reply quickly, a little too quickly, cutting another piece of your chicken as though focusing on the task would shield you from his gaze.
He doesnβt let it go. "Look at me," he grumbles, his tone low but firm, the kind that makes your hand freeze mid-motion.
You hesitate, but eventually tilt your head, meeting his eyes. Theyβre heavy with something you canβt quite put into wordsβconcern, maybe frustration, but most of all, care.
"Whatβs wrong?" he repeats, this time softer, your name slipping from his lips like an anchor, grounding you.
You hate that. Hate how much his concern cuts through your walls, hate the way it makes your chest tighten. Itβs unbearable, so you break the contact, dropping your gaze back to your plate.
"I donβt know," you admit, your voice small, barely above a whisper. You spear the last bite of chicken and shove it into your mouth, hoping to end the conversation.
But Logan doesnβt move. He doesnβt pick his fork back up, doesnβt shift his attention elsewhere. You can feel him watching you, his patience unnerving.
"You do," he mutters, his voice calm but resolute.
You glance up briefly, your brow furrowing. "No, I donβt," you insist, the words coming out sharper than you intended.
Logan leans forward slightly, resting his forearms on the edge of the table. "Youβre not a good liar, yβknow that?"
The corner of your mouth twitches, but you donβt let the smile break through. "Guess I need more practice."
His lips quirk in a faint smile, but his eyes remain serious. "You donβt need practice. You need to talk."
You shake your head, suddenly feeling exposed under his unwavering attention. "Not now, Logan. Can we just⦠drop it?"
For a moment, it seems like he might push further, but then he exhales heavily, leaning back again. "Fine," he says, though his tone suggests heβs not letting it go forever.
You stood up quickly, desperate to put some space between you and Logan, the weight of everything hanging in the air. You felt a mix of frustration, confusion, and something you couldnβt quite place. But before you could walk away, his voice stopped you.
"Hey."
You froze, heart pounding, and turned to face him. His eyes were locked onto you, steady and unyielding. He reached into his jeans pocket and pulled out your motherβs necklace, holding it out to you. The sight of it hit you like a punch to the gut, and you could barely process it.
Your breath caught in your throat as you stepped closer. "Where the hell did you find that?" you demanded, your voice coming out shakier than you intended as you snatched the necklace from his arm.
"Your bathroomβs floor," Logan said, his tone almost too casual, like it was no big deal. A smirk tugged at his lips, but there was no hint of apology.
"My bathroomβs floor?" You repeated, disbelief taking over. You could feel your anger rising, the frustration bubbling up. "What the fuck, Logan? Why the hell would you put it in your pocket?!"
Logan's eyes narrowed, and he shifted, standing up from the booth in one smooth motion. He was inches from you now, his body tense with frustration. "Jesus, calm down. Itβs just a necklace."
"Just a necklace?" You snapped, voice rising. "Itβs my motherβs! You donβt just take things and shove them in your pocket like it doesnβt matter!"
You stood there, fury coursing through your veins, your heart pounding in your chest as Logan continued to stand in front of you. He looked almost unbothered, his stance relaxed, but his eyesβhis eyes were anything but.
"You always do this," you said, stepping closer, your voice low but trembling with frustration. "You make me feel like Iβm the one losing my mind while youβ" you gestured sharply at him, "just stand there like nothingβs wrong!"
Loganβs jaw tightened, his hands curling into loose fists at his sides. "And you think Iβm not losing my mind too? You think I donβt feel thisβ" he waved vaguely between you both, his voice rising, "whatever the hell this is?"
"This?" you shot back, your chest tightening. "This is you pushing and pulling untill I donβt even know where I stand with you!"
His laugh was bitter, almost a scoff. "Yeah? Well, try being on this side of it. Try waking up every day thinkingβ" He stopped abruptly, his words catching, and his eyes darted away.
"Thinking what?" you demanded, stepping closer. "Say it, Logan. For once, just say it!"
His head snapped back toward you, and his voice dropped, low and rough, like he was forcing the words out. "Thinking that if I get too close, Iβm gonna ruin you. And if I stay away, Iβll hate myself for the rest of my goddamn life."
The air between you felt like it might break. Your pulse pounded in your ears, but you couldnβt look away from him.
"Then what do you want me to do?" you asked, your voice barely above a whisper.
Loganβs lips parted, but the words seemed to stick, his throat working as he searched for something to say.
"Stay," he murmured raw and pleading. "For once in your damn life, just stay."
You shake your head hesitantly. "Why?" Your voice barely above a whisper, your eyes stinging as you fight back tears.
Logan steps closer, the warmth of his body radiating toward you. His gaze searches your face as if memorizing every detail, etching it into his mind.
"Because we need each other," he says, his voice rough but steady. "You and I... we can be quite destructive on our own. But togetherβ" he pauses, his jaw tightening as if the words are caught in his throat, "we cancel that out."
Your fingers tighten around the heart-shaped pendant in your hand. He reaches for you, his touch impossibly gentle, and you resist, unwilling to let go of this fragile barrier. But the tenderness in his hand disarms you, and slowly, your grip softens.
Logan carefully takes the necklace, holding it as though itβs something sacred. His gaze softens as it locks onto yours. "I've been the best version of myself when I'm with you. And I thinkβno, I knowβyou feel the same."
He steps behind you, his movements slow, deliberate, as he fastens the necklace around your neck. You close your eyes, his nearness overwhelming. The familiar scent of himβleather, smoke, and something distinctly Loganβwraps around you, grounding you and pulling you apart at the same time.
"Tell me Iβm wrong, and Iβll stop," he says softly.
You donβt answer. Words fail you as his fingers brush the back of your neck and lift your ponytail for adjusting the clasp. Your breath catches when his hand grazes your waist, the touch featherlight but enough to send a shiver down your spine.
His voice drops, barely audible. "Just one chance. Thatβs all Iβm asking."
You lean into his touch despite yourself, your head tilting slightly as his breath warms the curve of your neck. When his lips hover, hesitating, your resolve weakens entirely.
"Logan..." you whisper, though youβre not sure what youβre asking for.
He exhales sharply, the sound laced with longing. His palm rests firmly on your waist, and his other hand grazes the zipper of your suit. Your heart pounds as he begins to pull it down, his touch deliberate and maddeningly slow.
Unable to take the tension any longer, you turn to face him, the suit unzipped halfway. His hands find your waist again as you rest yours on his shoulders, grounding yourself against the storm building between you.
"What do you want?" you ask, your voice trembling as his forehead touches yours, his nose brushing against you in the smallest, softest gesture.
"You," he breathes. "I want you."
His hand cups your jaw, his thumb brushing your skin with a gentleness that sends heat spiraling through your chest. Before either of you can think twice, you close the gap, your lips crashing into his.
Logan kisses you back with equal intensity, his lips moving against yours in a way that feels both desperate and certain. Itβs messy, passionate, and utterly consuming. When your tongue slips past his lips, he meets it eagerly, a low growl escaping his throat.
Without warning, a wild thought flickers through your mind, and you bite down on his bottom lip hard enough to hurt and leave an impression. Logan pulls back with a sharp inhale, his eyes wide with surprise.
You grin, mischief playing on your lips as you watch the small wound heal almost instantly. He licks the blood from his lip tasting the iron.
He cooed "Easy there" the corner of his mouth curving into a smirk.
You grab his wrist after he moves to wipe the blood away and bring his finger to your lips. Slowly, deliberately, you lick the crimson from his skin, your eyes never leaving his.
Logan lets out a low, disbelieving chuckle. "Youβre gonna be the death of me," he growls, his voice thick with desire.
"Then Iβll make sure itβs slow and satisfying," you reply, your voice a whisper dripping with challenge.
He doesnβt give you a chance to say anything else, his lips crashing into yours again, hungrier this time. His hands grip your waist, pulling you closer, and you feel his body tense against yours as if holding himself back from unraveling completely.
"Logan," you moan against his lips.
"Say it again," he murmurs, his voice raw as his lips trail down to the edge of your jaw.
Your breath stutters. "Logan..."
The way he reacts, the way his name seems to break something inside him, sends your heart spiraling.
Logan pulls back suddenly, his gaze darting to something behind the counter. His expression is unreadable as he peeks over, making you furrow your brows in confusion.
βLogan, whatβ?β you start, but before you can finish, a familiar tune blasts through the speakers.
'I could stay awake... just to hear you breathing... Watchinβ you smile while you are sleeping.'
Your eyes widen as you recognize the opening chords of Donβt Wanna Miss a Thing by Aerosmith fill the room.
Logan steps back toward you, a mischievous grin on his face. With a slow, deliberate motion, he extends his arm, inviting you to take it.
βWhat are you doing?β you ask, half-laughing, but you instinctively reach out, letting him guide your hand to his.
βDance with me,β he says confidently, his tone leaving no room for argument.
You let out a disbelieving chuckle, shaking your head but allowing him to pull you closer.
βDidnβt take you for a sucker of romance,β you tease, laughing softly as he spins you around the empty diner.
His movements are surprisingly smooth, his hand guiding yours to his shoulder while the other stays firmly at your waist. βYeah, well,β he smirks, βI donβt even know how to dance.β
βSure you donβt,β you reply with a grin, noticing how effortlessly he leads.
'Every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure.....'
As the music swells, your eyes meet his, and the warmth in his gaze makes your chest tighten. This songβit hits every nerve just right. And then, as if on cue, the two of you burst out in unison:
βDonβt wanna close my eyesβ¦β
Your voice is off-key, and so is his, but neither of you care. Youβre singing with abandon, your joy filling the room.
βI donβt wanna fall asleep, βcause Iβll miss you, babe!β
Logan laughs, a deep, husky sound that makes your stomach flutter, and you canβt help but join in.
βAnd I donβt wanna miss a thing!β
You yell out the lyrics, your voices echoing through the diner. Logan suddenly lifts you off your feet, spinning you around, and you shriek with laughter, clinging to his shoulders.
ββCause even when I dream of youβ¦β Logan sings the line. You laugh so hard tears prick your eyes.
βThe sweetest dream will never doβ¦β
You quiet down, your smile fading into something more genuine as he carries you in a slow, swaying circle.
βIβd still miss you, babeβ¦β
Your chest tightens, emotion welling up as you press closer, resting your forehead against his.
βAnd I donβt wanna miss a thing,β you whisper, your voice shaky.
Loganβs grin softens, and he pulls you even closer. His chin rests gently on top of your head as the two of you move in slow, easy steps to the rhythm of the song. Your hand squeezes his arm, and you close your eyes, letting the moment take over.
The beat of his heart is steady beneath your ear, grounding you. His hand at your waist tightens, his touch warm and reassuring. For the first time in a long time, everything feels rightβno fights, no pain, just the two of you and this perfect, fleeting moment.
'Then I kiss your eyes and thank God weβre together, And I just wanna stay with you, In this moment forever, forever and ever.'
The song continues to pour through the diner speakers as the two of you move in slow, deliberate steps. You pull your head away from Loganβs chest, your eyes flickering with unspoken gratitude. He holds your gaze, leaning in closer, and brushes his lips against yours in a soft, tender kiss.
Outside the diner, across the road, Scott and Jean stand in their gear, clearly fresh from their mission. Ellie and the children have been safely returned to the mansion, and with the tracker embedded in your suit, it wasnβt hard for them to find you and Logan in the middle of nowhere.
What they didnβt expect wasβ¦ this.
Under the dinerβs bright lights and with its large glass windows, you and Logan are clearly visible, completely absorbed in each other.
Scott lets out an incredulous sigh, shaking his head. βUnbelievable,β he mutters.
Jean chuckles, nudging him playfully. βMan, canβt believe we both lost this one,β Scott grumbles.
Jean smirks. βLovebirds,β she teases, crossing her arms as they continue watching the scene unfold.
Scott huffs, stepping off the curb. βAlright, letβs break this up.β
The two of them approach the diner, standing awkwardly just outside the glass. They exchange a glance, silently debating what to do. Finally, Scott knocks loudly on the glass, startling you both mid-kiss.
You jolt, pulling away from Logan as your heart jumps into your throat. βFucking hell,β you mutter, your face flushing as you spot Scott and Jean standing there, Scott looking thoroughly unimpressed and Jean offering a thin, awkward smile.
Logan doesnβt look even remotely phased. Heβd sensed their presence long before the music even started, but he hadnβt cared. With a soft grunt, he reaches behind you and zips your black leather suit back up, taking his sweet time.
Scott and Jean step carefully through the broken glass on the diner floor, their expressions half-amused and half-annoyed.
βI had high hopes for you two,β Scott says, his tone dry as he surveys the scene.
Logan raises an eyebrow, his hand still resting on your lower back. βYouβve got a point, Summers, or are you just here to gawk?β
Jean laughs lightly, shaking her head. βDonβt mind him. Heβs just sulking because he bet youβd get together in the next forty-eight hours.β
Scott scowls. βAnd she bet itβd take at least a week,β he grumbles, gesturing at Jean. βTurns out, we were both wrong.β
You blink in disbelief, glancing at Logan, who looks utterly amused. He lets out a low, satisfied chuckle.
βGuess you two underestimated us,β he says, flashing a smug grin before leaning down to press a chaste kiss to your lipsβright in front of them.
Your cheeks warm, but you canβt help the wide smile spreading across your face as you lean into Loganβs side.
Scott groans, throwing his hands up. βAlright, get a room, you two. Your rideβs outside. Time to go home.β He turns, wrapping an arm around Jeanβs shoulders as they head for the door.
'Donβt wanna close my eyesβ¦ I donβt wanna fall asleepβ¦ I donβt wanna miss a thing,'
the song continues, fading behind you as Logan intertwines his fingers with yours.
βHome,β you murmur with a soft smile, glancing up at him.
Loganβs lips press gently against your temple, his touch grounding and warm.
βHome indeed,β he echoes, voice filled with quiet contentment.
Together, you walk out of the diner, leaving the music behind and a two-hundred-dollar bill on the counter by the radio.
#logan howlet x reader#logan howlett fanfiction#logan howlett#wolverine fanfiction#wolverine x reader#x men#wolverine#xmen fanfiction
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Okay so Iβm for sure 100% irl asexual
#I have been thinking about this for the past five hours#I watched s7e10 of legends of tomorrow#and the ace representation is so wonderful#and then Iβve been having thoughts about the dnd character I based my current bg3 character on#and theyβre now unexpectedly ace#even though the original in the campaign was ace too#and it feels weird for them to be anything else#I thought that since I had already changed so much about them I could change that too for this#but no#i should have known better#but to be fair the character design is gorgeous#pretty iconic of me to be playing an ace bard#whoβs also super cute and tends to flirt a lot but only when itβs funny#because comedy is the only reason allosexuality exists#and theyβre dedicated enough to the bit to pretend to be allo for the span of a conversation at most#but thatβs all they need to string people along on accident just like in the original camp I played in#so anyway to irl stuff#i will never have actual sex including oral because too many germs
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joel etho single dads au .........
#esp if we go w liml family#etho with scar and bdubs at the park#joel with hermes#their kids meet and become best friends and keep begging for five more minutes until theyre the last ones at the park#so joel and etho inevitably meet and start talking because theyre both hella bored waiting for their kids#and joel lowk kinda cannot stand etho#hes like βigh this guy is sooo pretentious i could sense it from a mile away. who does he think he is with that stupid white hairβ#βnewsflash it doesnt make you look cool it makes you look old as hellβ#(but he doesnt say any of this)#(obviously)#and it works best if etho is totally oblivious#dude is just waiting 2 drop off scar n bdubs back home2 cleo so he can try2 get the Good Nights SleepTM hes been chasing since he was a bab#then they find out their kids go to the same school#and so obviously joel has decided to make it his mission in life to one up everything etho does#at this point etho is fully aware and finds it hilarious#because he is an Expert in these things okay. hes been making brownies for scar's bake sales since before hermes was Born#and joel can try as hard as he can but he just Cannot reach that level.#he can make as many cupcakes as he wants but none of them r gonna beat the gooey deliciousness of ethos chocolate chip triple layer brownie#and that is just soooo infuriating to him. his blood is boilimg at Every Single Parent Led Bake Sale Ever#and its even worse because etho looks like hes about to spontaneously combust at any possible second#his hair is a mess. deepppp eyebags. hes been running on maybe an hour of sleep every night for the past what eight years???#but hes sooo consistently perfect at everything.#joel hates him.#but like they also have to put up with each other at playdates and parties and whatnot because i repeat their kids are Best Friends#aughhh idk theres some potential there. i promise im just not getting it across very well#nya talks#trafficblr#hermitblr#joel smallishbeans
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must... make.... the sea beast oc.... must.... make.. httyd oc.... must make.... pirate
#im going insane#httyd#httyd oc#how to train your dragon#the sea beast#jacob holland#maisie brumble#oc#why has nobody watched this movie#its so cool and awesome#and I definitely haven't watched it 12 times in the past five days#ive been prepping for artfight#also jacob holland the man u are#i could literally rant about his character design for hours#i could also rant about the movie in general for hours#like i'm not even joking#im not kidding#ive analyzed this movie so much#i can quote soooooooo many parts from memory#i think i have a problem#i think i have autism#murder me for being too silly#pirates#pirate oc#pirate#pirates are so fun#im gonna go as one in september/october for ren faire
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thank you for feeding the lesbians with your works :3 don't die pls
-lesbian
anon do you want to get married
Thank you for serious anon, it means a lot :)
I'm not dead yet, prommy, i just. haven't written anything. Woops. It's not that I don't want to, I just tell myself I'll do it later and then I check the calendar and realize it's been a month since my last piece. Like, what do you mean my Cogita piece was made a month ago. Hello?
#not writing#everytime i feel bad about myself i remember that i have my five followers on tumblr who've got my back#epic#anyways#ironically the next thing on my list is actually for leon-#this blog is for LADIES and LEON he's my FAVORITE man thing#i have things in my inbox but have been thinking of making something for bnha...#im a my hero girlie im sorry actually no im not#thirsting over the bunny girl as always#what have i been doing? um not much#ive been playing terraria#its calamity im playing death mode for the first time and its been fun! ive spent the past 10 hours building#which i think is normal for me so#good night anons sweet dreams#omg speaking of dreams its FUCKING 50 DEGREES FAHERNEHEIT OUTSIDE I LOVE LIFE LIFE IS SO WONDERFUL
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really really small guys
edgar belongs to jhonen vasquez
scriabin belongs to @zarla-s
png ver. for some reason
andddd the sketch. for some reason too
#sunny's art#vargas#vargas zarla#edgar vargas#scriabin vargas#zarla s#scriabin#look at themmm#scriabin looks so so so pretty here#i have a specific image of an angry scriabin on my head#and i think this is the closest i'll get it#even if he's not angry here. but. just add some angry eyebrows and tadah !#my eye is swollen for no reason aaaghhh help me#my little sister was watching peppa yesterday#and there was this one scene of them making flower crowns#she said something about wanting to draw scriabin like that#(she knows the characters because i can't stop talking about them hahah)#so i decided to sketch something with this idea and. we have this. credits go to my little sister for the idea.#she literally asked me like FIVE TIMES if i could give her credits on the post. sooo#this is so funny i didn't expect this to look so pretty#it's even better that the drawing i've been working on for the past THREE MONTHS#and this one only took five hours. alright#if anyone's concerned. my mental health is way better now :D#i convinced like five of my friends to read vargas too so that also makes life interesting.#also they're making fan art and it's such a nice sensation#i'm still kind of blocked though. i'm wasting precious vacation time !!! aaagggghhh !1!!#unhhh probably i wrote something wrong here but i don't want to check#i almost forgot edgar's scars hahaha i didn't drew them at first because they looked like eyebags on the sketch#also i wanted to draw edgar's eyes but it didn't look good soooo#i wanted scriabin to look angry?? but he looks flustered instead.
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Okay literally nobody asked but since I am procrastinating AND restless:
My final thoughts/ranking of the Eternal mini:
(warning this is a full on yap sesh and I have next to no knowledge of music except for the very basics feel very very free to ignore)
1. Deja vu: I have feelings for this song. So gorgeous, dreamy and ethereal. Smiling so big because this song exists blah blah. Anyway the way I thought this song would be #chillvibes from the album preview snippet but then it turned out to be #nochill kajskajsj even tho there is definitely a lethargic quality to the song. I was so gagged but despite the tables turning on me I loved it immediately. Also the very random (but very well incorporated) tabla in the bridge? Slay. Initially I was mad that this wasn't the tt but with all the melodrama and orchestral arrangement, it has a similar vibe to guilty so I get it. But this song is ten fold of what guilty wanted to be (to me, that is). And I think this song remaining as a b-side to be occasionally performed instead of it being dragged through the promotional cycle and losing all the weight and impact of the song is a good choice too (the song itself is not very promotion cycle friendly either). I can't wait to see what the choreo looks like.
2. Horizon: Very kibumcore as a lot of people have also said, I think so too!! A very unexpected sound for a taemin song but he delivered sooo well. I do wish the song was longer tho. Don't know what being the second title track on this album means as of now but it's worthy of the position I'm sure.
3. Crush: Extremely shineecore! A cute and funky little number! Got me moving! The layers in the instrumentals are neat. I got exactly what was promised on the album preview. Well executed. No other notes. Other than the funky vibe there isn't really any standout element so I might get bored of it quickly tho.
Can't decide between ranks 4 and 5 so I'm calling it a tie.
4/5. Sexy in the air: I definitely should have let my brain soak this in a bit more before complaining about it cause now I literally can't stop listening to it helpppaksnakms cause Damn... This is crazy. What am I gonna do now?? Jaksjksks My first ranking for this song was literally second last (in a derogatory way) and now here we are. Also I held off from watching the mv first because I'm a very visual creature and I get easily swayed that way so I was trying to be #unbiased or whatever. I still think that the second verse is a bit meh, specially because of the English lyrics (i don't even know why I was so pissed off by the "turn me down" that was obviously supposed to be "turn me on", it wasn't even that serious π) but I was definitely being too harsh and it's not even as bad as I made it out to be and it doesn't stick out enough to get in the way of me enjoying the rest of the song. The switch up after the beat change is soooo good I've been obsessed with that part (the horny choreo definitely helps :D).
The good things about this song being the title track are: it's produced by dem jointz (the production is interesting and immaculate), the mastering of this song is better than most tracks on this album, it is performance oriented/friendly, both halves of the song are tied together so neatly that honestly the beat change doesn't even seem that unnatural even if it's shocking, tm devoured this track in a way that only he can, tm freak lore continues!!!! but most importantly it's bold!!! and it's a statement!!! (instead of playing it safe like he did with guilty imo lol, musically i mean). My only real grievance with this song is probably the fact that it wasn't allowed to go full freak nasty the way it was originally envisioned to be because we live in a society or whatever. Tm was moaning and groaning and saying fuck in the studio only for it to be muffled and be barely audible on the track. The dem jointz trademark of an addictive repeated word/phrase being distorted because otherwise tm would be put in horny jail fr (horny gay jail even because its so crazy that they had another man moaning on the track like skdkksksjdkd). Some of the lyrics being altered hastily (like "turn me down" ksjsjsks).This song being called sexy in the air instead of sex is in the air kajskaksksks. Sad. Because if anyone can pull off something like this without being cringe, it's tm. But it's okay I get it. Also notably this song has one of the veeery few ethical uses of that infamous bed creak sample (by ethical i mean relevant to the song at hand in a way that maximizes the slay of the song).
4/5. Say Less: Very pretty, short and sweet, could have been longer. A solid closer for this album and definitely stands it's own ground despite being on the track list after Deja vu. Which is lowkey a feat of its own. The instrumentals are infact drowning out his voice a bit but I don't think it bothers me as much as I had feared. Reminds me of Truth a bit.
6. The Unknown Sea: I don't have particularly strong opinions on ballads but I do generally only listen to ballads if I'm already super into the idol. And I do like most of the other ballads from tm. However. He's singing his ass off here but the vocal processing.... specially in the chorus his voice sounds very tinny. When I first heard the song I thought it wasn't that big of a deal but now it is definitely getting in the way of me enjoying this song. Beautiful bridge tho, definitely the highlight of the song for me.
7. G.O.A.T.: This instrumental is so fucking nasty I'm obsessedddd. Unfortunately the instrumental might just be the saving grace of this song. I went into this track thinking I was not even gonna be able to listen to this but thankfully it's not thaaaaaat bad. But we definitely need to get tm off his rapping agenda. Even after listening to this a bunch of times it's not sitting that well with me. (Which is crazy because after first listen I thought his voice was more well suited to GOAT than SITA???) I do understand that this song was meant to be a bit tongue in cheek like yeah the goat bleating sounds are hilarious in a good way but tm is Not giving the hardass aura that he thought he was going for and um. that's enough for me to be like :/ which is such a shame cause even the arrangement of this song is so interesting. But yeah whatever this track needed vocally is not in tm's strengths so. I'll wait for someone to upload the instrumental tho so that I can download it and play it with the rest of the album jksjsksksjsjs
I think it's a good choice to drop an album that's just him coming out swinging after such a drastic career altering decision. There's no more room for regrets or dilly dallying and he's confident. Which is a good thing. Because it definitely makes the statement he wants to make. The album as a whole is interesting, all the tracks differ from each other but that doesn't take away from the cohesiveness of the soundscape of the album. There is a clear logic in the way the tracklisting was done, the transition from one song to the next makes sense (even if I can't explain it properly).
That being said, yes the production and the mixing is a bit lacking (along with the other downsides of a low budget) but I don't think sm has songs like this in their vault anymore so... You win some you lose some idk.
Overall I do see this as a win. Yapping over and out.
#you can tell that i have mostly only played deja vu and sexy in the air on repeat lmaooo i cant stop yapping about either of them#but i have been listening to the whole album on loop for the past few hours so i think im qualified to comment now lol#wow i really said so much and for whatttt#i will go into a five months social media break to compensate for how much i ran my mouth here#ira.text
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#I have thoughts about the new tour yet I am not sure if I should share (given why I do so in tags)#I am not surprised to see denmark is absent#I am a bit surprised to see no scandinavian country AT ALL#not surprised to see germany and the uk have most dates (that's sadly something I've seen a lot from bands/artists I like)#a little befundled with the route he has scheduled for both germany and the uk dates#glad to see other countries like switzerland france and the netherlands get their debut#not surprised it is in october since that seems to be around the same time for his europe antics last year as well#all this said I am a bit conflicted what to do myself#I'd like to go to gigs on this tour#yet I've already run out of the country four times these past upcoming five months (three times to finland)#since it is quite expensive and maybe not something I will have time for given I hopefully get an internship in august#with that in mind I feel like I should probably go for only a few dates#and yet last time I felt very much like I was missing out and overlooked because I didn't go to βmore than two showsβ#and here is where I feel like my thoughts are probably not great#i was thinking about maybe going for hamburg as first priority since it is the closest (4 hours in train)#then have frankfurt and munich as second priorities making it a little mini tour#I am not sure if I'd physically and mentally be able to do more than three gigs in a row#yet if I am I sort of want to go to zurich too because I've never been there#two days to decide is not very long#I feel very stressed tbh#and I hope noone will take this in any wrong way#please I really dont want to feel shit again#I know my last concert related take was on the fence#(even though as it turned out the venue did worse than me in that regard)#but this one is really just me thinking about what would be the smartest plan#other possible options would be to go for zurich since it is in a weekend (sunday) and then - depending on whether or not I have work#either go home or follow jere to amsterdam (then maybe paris and brussels)#another option is berlin then hamburg and then to home from there (so two shows)#or london and bristol since its the weekend (maybe manchester as well if it is not far - so up to three shows)#the latter I am a bit concerned about since being trans in the uk is not great atm
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need Guz to hug me tightly for like an hour solid oh my god dhdjdkl I went driving for the first time in over a year and I chewed my lip raw ππ
I'm starting to look like a caricature of Anxiety with all these physical symptoms and signs LMAO
#this is so ridiculous fhfjdkdl#i do not like driving fjdkdl i know i should not be on the roads#but unfortunately i have to bc i live rural and also my parents insist i ''just need more practice''#practice is not going to fix the dissociation ππ practice will not fix the Other Drivers being shitty and scary and reckless fjfkdl#it might make it slightly easier bc i wont have to think as hard about shoulder and mirror checks and roadsigns and speed limits#and where i am located on the road and intersection rules and whatnot#but like... it does not fix that i live in a town (and world lol) where ppl are fucking bonkers on the road#i had someone riding my ass for like a full five minutes. we had only two feet btwn us. MAYBE. IF THAT MUCH.#he was BIG mad that i was going the speed limit#and THERES A POLICE STATION LIKE RIGHT NEAR THAT AREA MY GUY IM NOT GONNA GO OVER THE SPEED LIMIT RIGHT THERE LMAO ????#also im a rule follower usually so i do tend to go Exactly the speed limit fjfkdl#and maaannn that makes people SO fucking angry dhfjdl its impossible to drive Anywhere without having someone right on ur bumper#its so ridiculous like... that's not helping anyone ??? ur not getting to ur destination faster by riding up on somebodys ass ???? hewwo ???#ANYWAYS. i drove around the neighborhood and then went up the highway and thru some intersections and then into the main core of town#and then i got my dad to take over from there bc it was lunch hour and the core of town is a lawless land at the best of times#MY NERVES ARE FRIED. i need Guz to act as a weighted blanket or one of those pressure therapy vests for me LOL#im like... shaking fhdjsl that was far more than i thought we were going to do for driving today good lord#IM OKAY THOUGH I SURVIVED I DIDNT EVEN HIT A CURB OR ANYTHING#i think I've only hit a curb once so far in all my times driving and that was on my second time driving on a road i think#so pretty good track record... im a very careful driver fjdkdl i work so hard to be safe and drive smoothly#during my driving test the only thing the test guy had to critique was that i waited at an intersection when i could've gone#but the reason i waited was bc i wasnt sure i could make it across the traffic lane before the oncoming vehicle got to us#so it was like. a safe decision overall but a little too hesitant which can actually be unsafe fjdkdl#AUGH ANYWAYS SORRY FOR RAMBLING SM#driving stresses me out so bad and my lip is all raw now and i have so many physical stress symptoms the past few days fhfjdl#after tonight i should be able to calm down a bit hopefully fhfkdl theres a thing we're going to tonight thats been stressing me out so bad#but after tonight it'll be over and hopefully I can get myself settled down again fjfjdkl#dandy.cmd#vent //
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Had an insanely hectic 8h work day today, which definitely calls for some comfort tv* and spending the evening on the couch.
*Tatort Berlin - Der gute Weg
#kaj rambles#tatort berlin#der gute weg#i think i just need some karow & tolja today#also maybe i'll get around to doing something about the silly little toljarow ficlet i started a while ago while half asleep#to delete later#i didn't even have time to put my stuff into the locker today#got finished with prep right at opening time and then uuuh didn't have a second to spare for the next seven hours#anyway i've been up since half past five and everything below my knees is pain
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Somebody draw Julie-Su in a wheelchair (self propelled, not push) I'm going back to sleep
#I screwed myself over pushing past my hard limit. can't moooove#muscles locked joints screaming I need. painkillers. lr to sleep for hours#keep dreaming about Lien-Da incidentally defending Julie-Su after Moritori pushes her buttons too far and she snaps#knowing that Dimitri wouldn't let him do anything drastic to her. she haaaaates how Dimitri had been trying to get her to tone down#but in this case. Moritori is under the same rules. Hide behind Dimitri just this once.#I think that Lien-Da and Moritori had an interesting relationship. She looked to him as a father#and he did love her as his granddaughter. but also that man is fucked up five ways from friday. He is using her as his pawn.#and he is not a nice man. so when she strays from what he wants her to do... hmmm...#And Moritori can't stand Julie-Su at ALL. He was neutral. but then she got annoying. Now he's just like... As soon as Dimitri isnt looking..#... It's amusing to me that Dimitri is the one who actually likes her. Poor ju-su#meeeeh.#I'm exhausted and braindrained.#I should have taken my wheelchair to London#I think Julie-Su has a lot of internal cybernetics. I like to ignore that one SSS where she takes her boots off and think her legs are#cybernetic. I think her spine is reinforced and half of her muscles are cables. because I sed so#ok now do it to me too
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#I think my body finally just crapped out on me#I did six weeks straight of overtime followed this past weekend by cooking for like two days straight#Iβve been exhausted the whole time but I woke up feeling like I was just gonna keel over#and so unbelievable achy#but I went to work anyways#but weβre in a cold snap here (itβs literally 6F rn) and the place where I work wasnβt heated very well#I got frostbite on my hands while we were taking in the truck and felt about 10x worse by the time we were done#left early and passed out in bed under about 10 blankets cause itβs fucking cold#woke up five hour later and I think I have a fever now to boot and I feel even worse#fuck this shit Iβm supposed to work tomorrow but I feel like Iβm dying#I think Iβm gonna call out#needed the overtime to help pay for my surgery but like this is excessive#i think itβs burnout cause four of my medications are not working and that generally happens with me with burn out#so two of my health issues are kinda just wrecking havoc on my body in addition to already feeling like shit#Iβm fine Iβm fine π« I just wanna complain#the last month and a half has been utter hell
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