#I have been severely depressed because of an event that happened recently but I'm doing a lot better now

[overandundertarot]

PAC: The embarrassing situation;what was it really like?

This pac aims to take a look at an embarrasing situation you experienced and how it was actually perceived by the people around/involved versus how you perceived it. Inspired by my late night thoughts lol.

Please pick a pile(1-4, left to right)

Pile One.

Cards; 6 of wands, Queen of cups, The World reversed, Knight of Swords reversed.

I'm seeing that this wasn't even an embarrasing situation for you, Pile One. It's more of a source of anxiety. You were very much inside your head the entire time. The situation was very public, there were a lot of eyes and alot of people. It was an event/gathering celebrating a victory/achievement. Maybe with family/friends or even coworkers who you've developed a bond with. These are people who are able to have an impact on your self esteem/inner child. During the event you felt stagnant. I just heard; "They're handing out scraps." Whatver praise or achievement you received felt hollow, you felt like you didn't deserve it. Either you didn't work hard enough, the quality of your work was not good enough, you weren't where you wanted to be. "I could do so much better than this, I am capable of more." A general dissatisfaction and dissapointment in yourself and anything that you were able to produce with your hands. I'm also getting the sense of you settling. You had much higher ambitions for yourself but you didn't tell anyone, so no one could reprimand you for failing thus you doubled down on the self loathing as a self inflicted punishment. You were way too hard on yourself, Pile 1. Regardless of what your aspirations were, a win is still a win. You managed to accomplish something so be proud that you were able to do that. Other people saw you as the queen of cups in this situation. Someone passionate and incredibly creative. They felt that you deserved the praise and were very much happy to see you get your flowers. They feel that you are a team player who is dedicated to seeing everyone thriving and being happy.

Pile Two.

Cards; Page of Pentacles, Ace of Pentacles, Queen of Wands.

Pile 2, for some of you this situation happened when you were younger, for others you are on the younger side and this happened more recently. But it is a situation where you were inexperienced and expressing eagerness and fascination; excitement. It was a situation where this eagerness went against you and you experienced a backlash because of your inexpirience/poor skills. With the abundace of pentacle cards, I'd say that this was involving your career or something you were organising and planning to bring into fruition like a project/party. Whatever you were planning, it didn't work out. There were many issues with poor planning/execution. Some of you had tried to go for a cheaper option, cutting corners etc that severely undermined the result. Some people didn't believe in you from the get go and were like 'I knew they'd fail.' Despite this, you felt very inspired and in your element. You might have actually been feeling vey timid and hesitant, I think at one point you realised that you had bit off more than you could chew. All in all, it was a learning experience. I think its very commendable that you tried to jump in and try your best anyway!

Pile Three.

Cards; Death reversed, Knight of wands, Ace of wands.

Pile 3, the situation was an emotional one. You could have had an emotional outburst/reaction. Someone told you something and you burst into tears and denial. This can range from emotional breakdowns like falling into a depressive state to outbursts such as erupting into tears, hysterical shouting, arguments and confrontation, attacking someone in anger etc. You were not in your right mind and were reacting to news/information that greatly upset you and would mean a change in your life. Like a break up, maybe you were fired. The path presented did not please so you chose to act in denial in hopes of reversing that. It seems that your reaction was not taken as negatively as it could have been. For the people who threw the tantrums, they had the desired effect and you were placated in the moment, but it was only for the moment. Temporarily. For others who went into depressive states etc someone around you or you took action towards healing/making you feel better. However, other people mostly perceived you as someone unstable, who chooses to use weird methods to get what you want. You felt accomplished though, your reaction had the desired outcome. It was a messy/uncomfotable situation but it had a favourable ending for you.

Pile Four.

Cards; 3 of cups, 10 of swords reversed, Ace of wands.

Pile 4, this embarrassing situation was more of a collaboration. You used to hang around some problematic people/were in a group with some people or you had a collaboration with them. You are embarrassed to be associated with these people. There could have been some drama, or just poor quality work as a result of whatever you were doing. Nothing you feel proud to call you own or say you stand for. A lot of people talk about what happened between you and those people, people like to talk about the drama that could have occurred. Either way, whenever they or your association with them is mentioned you feel embarrassed. Other people don't really perceive your association with them quite negatively though. It seems they are willing to give you a chance, look at your better qualities and judge based on those. In regards to how this association has personally affected you, aside from the embarrassment, is that you are not willing to abandon your instincts in trusting people. You follow your own intuition and rythym rather than going with the flow that feels wrong. Also, you've grown. You recognise that you could have held destructive/detrimental beliefs and are open to changing your point of view.

*************

That's it! If you liked this pac and would like to book a private reading with me, you can do so here.

[fulfillingbineeds]

Hey y'all,

Thought I should give a lil update as to where the hell I've been.

I've been struggling a lot in the past five months with my mental health. Y'know, the typical winter blues, but it just happens to be highly fired up from the slew of horrid world events that keep happening non-stop.

After the Cheeto (whom I shall not name fully) was elected, I've been slowly shutting down. My pretty good pattern recognition skills have been a complete curse recently (especially concerning politics). And I've been getting so worried and worked up about everything that I've caused so much unneeded stress onto myself and others. (It also doesn't help that my PDA has been kicking my ass like crazy.)

I've slowly lost interest in fandoms that I'm in (due to depression, not because I don't like the stuff anymore), and when I do want to make things, I've been struggling so severely to just start.

It sucks, but it's true... I've managed to burn myself out!

It's awful! But, I'm trying to heal. It's been very hard as I have quite a few stressors that have been making it very difficult to do so.

I apologize to the many projects I've started or joined that I've... well, there's no nice way to put this-- ghosted. I hope to get better shortly so I can be more involved and complete things soon.

Okie, thanks :)

[immoralimmortals]

Assigning the Akatsuki movies that tend to really disturb people, because they are a disturbing bunch.

A word of caution: the films mentioned are very intense, some of which closer to endurance tests than narratives. These pairings are not recommendations to see these movies. If you seek any out, research the content. I am not adding individual content warnings for the films themselves since I'm only pairing them with characters (you are free to inquire for those or for spoilers if you want to know more)

General content warning for the post itself for unsavory mentions of various kinds of violence.

Pain: Come and See

Lauded by some as the only war film that is not accidentally pro-war or pro-military propaganda. It is a story about children, children who are vessels of the narrative to, as the title says, show you the horrors and agony of warfare on the human spirit.

Konan: Martyrs

A French extreme horror film that breaks your heart as you watch women's spirits get broken. It is painfully empathetic and gut punches you over and over. It relies on you caring about the characters for its impact and it succeeds. What is the great worth of having suffered?

(Despite having a very spiritual aspect l, it is too heartfelt of a film to give Hidan, though considered)

Obito: Perfect Blue

Twisty, turny story about identities and lies. Plays with the idea of innocence and self control like how a cat plays with a butterfly with a broken wing. It's a beautiful movie but it's also going to make you really unhappy.

Zetsu: Beyond the Black Rainbow

This is a slow, methodical film about invasiveness and brainwashing. The color pallet is stark, contrasted mostly by bright whites and dark shades, with the occasional blood red thrown in to throw you off. Some of the imagery is very unnatural-seeming and nightmarish. This is the sort of movie you'd like to put on if you want to do the opposite of whatever meditation would be.

Hidan: Mai-chan's Daily Life

If you know this movie/manga at all, my reasoning is what it says on the tin. Girl gets dismembered and killed over and over as an immortal. She kind of likes it? It's a really nasty one that jumps to being so over the top and silly. I haven't seen this one and have no deeper thoughts on it.

...I guess if I really want to keep with the theme of movies I've actually seen, I'd then go with The Devils, which is based on a real life event. It's about the interplay between religion, sexuality, and political freedom, and it gets really, really violent and makes me go

Kakuzu: The Night of the Hunter

This one is actually just legitimately a very good movie that happens to hurt you deep in your soul. Two kids of the Great Depression are confided to by their dad before his execution that he stole several thousand dollars from a bank. A priest he meets in prison tracks down the children, worms his way into the love of not only their widowed mother but of the community, and tries to convince them to give the money to him as God intended.

This is a very influential film from the 1950s that while not often recognized by name, has been cited as inspiration for some of the most notable filmmakers in recent time. It is less traditionally disturbing and more that you are made to walk alongside these children as they enter a money-hungry nightmare.

Deidara: Tetsuo the Iron Man

This film is an art piece. I don't mean that in a way which denotes that it is pleasant but in a way where I appreciate and recognize every choice was very, very purposeful. This is a movie with such industrial, inhuman sound design. It is loud and visceral and made to make you feel like you got in a car accident. It's also deeply homoerotic??? So bonus points! Also has some genuinely incredible visual effects. I am sick to my stomach.

Sasori: Audition

I love this movie. Ohhhh it hurts me. It makes me sick. I'm never watching it again. The premise is a man lies about the purpose of an audition, which is not a movie role but to select a potential wife. It doesn't strike him as possible that an actress might catch onto his script that plays out.

The ending scene. This is why it's for Sasori. Such a sweet smile and soothing voice while dismembering someone with piano wire.

Kisame: Ichi the Killer

I'm setting aside the very, very overt sexual text of this movie to focus on what it's trying to say about the enjoyment of violence. It is a bizarrely lighthearted film about two opposites. As YouTuber NyxFears (May Leitz) has put it:

Guy 1: This is a party, I love killing people! Yay! :D

Guy 2: I'm terrified, I hate that I'm violent! Why are we doing this!

It is an incredibly fun yakuza film that also makes you frown really hard at some bits as it becomes really morally questionable.

Itachi: The Handmaiden

Another genuinely excellent movie where the point of it is to throw your soul into a rock tumbler so you can experience the full spectrum of human emotion! It is not only gorgeously made and pleasing to the eye, but it also relies upon your attachment to the regality and poise a character holds, which I think is a similar feeling I give to Itachi when I think about him. It is a cathartic tale that makes you believe love is real by making you, as the audience, suffer to get there as the characters do.

[lunathejediknight]

okie uhh

I do have a seroius question uhm..

what if...

Kiki finds out that Desert cheated on her?

(what is the worst thing that would happen?)

kiki (through her fucking tears after finding this out):"ofc he would....he doesn't love me does he...*sniff*...I thought that he could love me like he used to...even tho I'm...different (arcane reference lol)....it's my fault isn't it...

that's sad ngl, kiki is still going through her own personal hell due to another event that happend so this would actually destroy her and shatter her heart (she is super loyal). you wanna know something kiki was still super sweet to desert even after he found out that she became an assassin. she feels so betrayed.

Here is the recent event that happend and some more lore

kiki's family recently decided that it would be better if she wasn't a part of the family so they cut her out of their lives. so she's lost her family

she's tired of living, kiki has been struggling a lot with *ahem* suicidal thoughts, plus she unfortunately wants to be dead (but she can't really die because of her regeneration ability, she's also severely depressed, think jinx from arcane the second to last episode of season 2 yeah it's that bad)

she's losing her fucking mind (it's been mental breakdown after mental breakdown)

here's the worst that could happen kiki breaks up with him and seriously tries to find a way to end her life...

also this is for another ask, the ask was "what song do you think best describes kiki" and unfortunately it's this one (I be too lazy to answer it seperatly lol)

[l-e-morgan-author]

my current wip list

Hands Made for Gentleness is about my two dear idiots Vaniah and Anneka, who get married to dodge an arranged-marriage law. Vaniah is incredibly traumatised by events in his past. Anneka discovers this as time goes by. It's a story of healing, mainly, and mental health. Boatload of trigger warnings (Vaniah is severely depressed, suicidal and all that goes with that, while Anneka is in recovery from anorexia) but I love them so much and I love the energy that's between them. At this moment I'm writing a scene in which they're arguing because Vaniah abruptly shut down a kissing scene without explanation and the conversation afterwards got mildly heated. Also they basically end up in a QPR more than a traditional romantic relationship and I love that for them. They're late twenties or so during this novel. First draft.

Patience, Changing is about Patience and her adopted sister Rhona. Patience is my autistic darling, Rhona is my current Discord pfp and anyway I love them. They have interpersonal conflicts that form the nucleus of the novel, but they work them out in the end. Teenagers, and absolutely no romantic relationships in this story which I love. Also it's set in my home city of Melbourne. First draft.

To Kindle a Flame is the first book of an embarrassingly big series. I first wrote the earliest draft for camp nanowrimo or nanowrimo itself, 2017. It started out as one book, in fact started out as a simple response to a concept outlined and failed to bring to a satisfying conclusion by a Christian book by someone in my denomination - In Search of Life by Anna Tikvah. I loved the concept (girl has questions about life, turns to the Bible and reads it, things happen), but then Verity never questioned that the Bible was true, which seemed wack to me. So I started writing a story in which my main character (Adira) found a copy of the Bible and then began to read it, but the whole time she's questioning it. It turned into about 300k of messy drafting (I've drafted it uhh three times by now and am gradually working on overhauling it, grabbing what bits I can and then finishing the draft, ideally this year) and has become a story about mental health, choices and the way people figure out beliefs. In the Gospels there's a line in which Pilate says "What is truth?" - that's basically the tagline of To Kindle a Flame. It's also dystopian. It's my beloved baby. Anyway I'm normal about this story. Also Adira is autistic. Oops. I didn't intend that. I just looked at her character one day and went Yet Another Autistic Character Ay. xD It's also set in Melbourne, but aforementioned dystopia renders Melbourne unrecognisable. I've done a bunch of worldbuilding on her. Also features the character who was the first openly queer character I ever wrote - Tom, who's bi, though he ends up married to Adira and never has a mlm relationship during the story (has prior - in the story he's side B). Somewhere between first and second drafts.

Do Roses Cast Shadows? was the most recent nanowrimo, and I got a grand total of 12k into it. I uh. Don't know what's going on really. I don't recall much, but I'd like to get back to it someday. My characters are Wren and I can't recall the male main character's name.

They Told Me To Name My Demons is a poetry collection I'm working up to publication someday. It's about Christianity, suicidality, depression, autism and identity. I plan to include 100 poems and 7 prose pieces, of which I've so far written and somewhat edited 84 poems (might have a few more, I haven't crossreferenced with my phone lately) and 4 pieces of prose. The title is from a blog post I read years ago and then wrote a poem in response to. Most of the poems have been written in the last year or two. I chase inspiration where I see it. First draft.

Sparks Under Heaven is a collection of five short stories/novellas, all connected to To Kindle a Flame (one features Adira, two her grandfather, one someone another character knew in his youth and the other focuses on an event from To Kindle a Flame but from someone else's perspective). I've had it professionally edited but the edits are sitting there still waiting to be touched, largely. Second-last round of edits before I self publish.

Through Lightning, Through Thunder was nanowrimo 2022, the happiest novel I've ever written and absolutely beloved. It features Taira (rabbit), Paddy (fox), Sheba (lynx), and various less important characters. It started out life as a Narnia fanfic, focused around my original characters with occasional mentions of the Four. It was 15k. Then I fleshed it out into a full original novel, 100k-and-counting. Oopsie. The good guys are trying to stop an evil dragon being resurrected (based on the Witch scene in Prince Caspian). In the end everyone lives happily ever after. Yay. Second draft.

[Inklings story] is about Hadassah, autistic darling of my heart who is thrown through a portal and discovers a found family on the other side, essentially. Downtrodden autistic but becomes happy and confident. First draft.

The Time Travelling Midwife is about Felicity, ALSO autistic (surprise!). I haven't got very far with this one either, it exists mostly in vibes in my mind. It's best summarised as the story with the time travelling midwife, who travels in time, is an angel, tries to stop evil from prevailing and when it does eventually through the building of the tower of Babel (mainly facilitated by one of her colleagues), her time travelling powers are taken away and she ends up settling somewhere in the 1900s and having a happy life. First draft.

Only the first and second are in active development right now. Please ask me about any part of any thing of this post. I copied and pasted directly from the Discord in which I rambled about them.

If I've forgotten any wips that you know about please tell me, lol. And this is only about full length novels or collections, not shorter stories.

[metrovaliz]

Hello everyone, I haven't been here for a long time, I just don't know where else to tell everything that happened to me I mentioned in some posts that I have a girlfriend, or rather I was In general, I recently turned 18 and I went to my girlfriend's city, we had a good time , then I had to take the train home and everything seemed to be fine until they started ignoring me, disappearing at work , and then she tells me that she wants to take a break from social networks , I'm waiting for her return, in principle, I understand that what- it's not like that, but I'm not as worried as I was later. her friend writes to me, merges a lot of messages, it turns out that she had some kind of experiences and she does not know what to do with the relationship, I hear about it all for the first time as a result, I am very upset I was hysterical because of all this, I had restless dreams about her where she also does not answer me what happened in the end, the next day she appears and tells me that she saw me as a friend all this time and I'm like, why didn't they tell me about this before Like I'll get over it, I was rather sad because of the uncertainty and silence in which I was kept . In the end, we remained friends with the friend who leaked the messages, she decided to stop communicating, because of the drain and, in principle, he was obsessed with her and did not understand the concept of love only obsession and hated me because of jealousy, he also told her to die jokingly and when in response she said something like that, he said that he would kill himself in the end because of her desire to stop communicating with him, he swallowed a lot of pills trying to take his own life, as a result, he vomited them up And she decided not to end her communication with him because he had changed Every day it's so fucked up Basically, when I went to see her, I didn't feel any pleasure. As a result, I just want to go to a therapist. I did not go to a psychologist or a psychiatrist, because I already went to a psychiatrist and I was canceled a course of antidepressants because I drank them for a year But depression has not completely left me, I just feel like I usually have a neutral mood, like I can still feel negative emotions, but not positive ones. Honestly, I'm just tired. Tired of constantly plowing and not getting any praise in the form of positive emotions, tired of failures in my personal life Now, in principle, it is difficult for me to perceive my otp after parting, i think look at my otp "love seems to exist only in fictional universes" or "is it for sure that my otp will not part as well?" Because of this, it is more difficult to draw pictures And in principle, I do not know what to live for, I have not received any reward for my efforts as emotions for many years, it also seems pointless to draw pictures I just want to be happy, at least to drown out the bad moments in my life with positive emotions that I don't have. I don't even hope that I'll ever meet a soulmate anymore. I don't even know how to react to this whole situation with a girl and her friend. I did everything according to the method that was advised to me in a mental hospital, but a year later I still can't get out of depression and the funny thing is that I have a mild but lingering depression, I can't imagine how difficult it is for people with severe depression, if I'm not so bad, but it's still hard for me In fact, relationships often end in breakups, these are my fifth in a row, and in principle it would be strange if the relationship started at my age of 17 and lasted until the end of my life, like this is a very unlikely outcome of events, in fact, my whole life is still ahead, but I have not felt any pleasure from life for a long time and the problem is that my depression was caused by loneliness, in principle, there was a series of very bad events in my life that led to this And in fact, I remained that hunted outcast Unfortunately, while I was being held in silence, I received letters with death wishes from a "fan" who had been friendly to me before

[religion-is-a-mental-illness]

By: Miriam Grossman

Published: Aug 2, 2023

I was contacted by lawyers in Salt Lake City about a 13-year-old boy whose divorced parents were in litigation over his social transition. Zach had recently declared himself a girl, and his mother was 100 percent on board—new name, pronouns, dresses. His father wasn't going along with it.

I reviewed the records from Zach's recent psychiatric hospitalization. Staff listed gender dysphoria as one of his diagnoses and consistently used his girl's name and female pronouns, but the reasoning for those clinical decisions was absent. The hospital records indicated Zach heard voices and saw "ghosts." I searched for more information about the voices and the ghosts but found none.

Was it possible no one had asked? Psychotic symptoms such as auditory or visual hallucinations always warrant further questions. An obvious one: what did the voices say? Was Zach hearing voices telling him he's a girl?

These were questions that demanded attention from his clinicians prior to affirming a new identity. Maybe Zach's gender dysphoria was related to his disordered thinking and hallucinations. Perhaps instead of lip gloss he needed Risperdal (anti-psychotic medication).

I found similar problems in the care of 17-year-old Nicole in Boston. Nicole's life had been chaotic; her father left when she was two, her mother had five other kids with two other men, she was sexually abused by a neighbor, and her family had been homeless for months on several occasions. She had an IQ of 68 and was on three psychiatric medications to treat hallucinations, ADHD, and depression. When she discovered her mother was pregnant, Nicole came out as a boy.

At the time I was consulted, Nicole was in foster care due to charges of physical abuse by her mother.

Nicole wanted testosterone. I was asked by the court to provide my professional opinion regarding "gender-affirming" care, including testosterone, for her.

Having read this far, I trust you can figure out what I said. No testosterone for Nicole.

Zach lives in Utah and Nicole in Massachusetts—both states that ban "conversion therapy" for minors. That means any approach that fails to immediately affirm a child's new identity is prohibited.

I put myself at l risk when I argued that Zach and Nicole should not be affirmed but instead have their long-term mental health issues treated.

At least with those two consultations, my role was to provide my professional opinion. But that wasn't the case with David, a patient in Colorado with whom I worked directly.

One day David told his parents that he is transgender and asked to be called Zoe, "she," and "her." He wanted blockers because the hair sprouting over the corners of his lips and his cracking voice reminded him he's a boy. If only he could take estrogen, he told me, having breasts and wider hips would make him feel confident and secure.

The medical establishment, the DSM-5, and the state of Colorado say the only permissible response is to act as if he was a girl. David must be in the driver's seat—forget about "do no harm." If he picks a different gender identity, name, and pronouns next week, I must use those. I am to instruct parents to tell everyone—family members, school staff, his piano teacher and dentist—to do the same. His mom, dad, and I are all supposed to celebrate what doctors at Johns Hopkins call David's "evolving sense of self."

Celebrating an evolving sense of self sounds fine and dandy. But I happen to know that when David first appeared at a family event in a dress, his mother—a strong feminist and lifelong liberal who supported gay marriage and survived 9/11 and breast cancer—had to flee to a restroom, where she had the first panic attack of her life. I also know puberty blockers might be followed by estrogen and perhaps even orchiectomy—castration. He could end up disfigured and infertile and still not be satisfied with his body.

When David is ready, I must share those dangers with him. I took an oath to prevent harm, no matter what the gender medical establishment or the state of Colorado might say.

For refusing to validate the opposite-sex identities of David and many others, I risk an investigation, but I'll live with that. I'm going to do what's best for my patients.

Miriam Grossman MD is board certified in child, adolescent and adult psychiatry. The author of five books, Dr. Grossman's work has been translated into eleven languages. She has testified in Congress and lectured at the British House of Lords and the United Nations.

[curseofthebloodcountess]

Blood Countess: A Summary

It occurred to me that other CoS blogs do great jobs at summarizing their campaigns and I never managed to sit down and say what on earth is happening in mine. I'm running a gender-swapped CoS that I call "Blood Countess". It explores Strahd not only as a woman, but as a bereaved mother, a weapon in her mother's quest for godhood, and as powerful a mage and general as "I, Strahd" envisions the character as. I'm going to put the summary below, but also invite people to ask me anything! I've been developing this version of the game for a long while now and I'm dying to talk about it! Thanks for reading!

When my “Blood Countess” game started, I had six players. It was far too many and not everyone’s play styles meshed. Two of the players left after the first session due to scheduling conflicts. Another left after fewer than ten sessions because he caused inter-party conflict. My three remaining players have been phenomenal. I will make a note to say that the player who left after approximately ten sessions left a lasting impression on the game, so he will be referenced as “Aarakocra Ranger”. The others, I will name by their characters, as well as character race and class. 

The premise of this campaign is deceptively simple. What if Strahd von Zarovich was a woman? In the CoS community, a very popular fan module, "She is the Ancient” already exists, which does a similar reimagining. However, I excel at reinventing the wheel. I read “She is the Ancient” and found the author’s commitment to avoiding problematic representation simultaneously impressive and bothersome. Although I own it, I set it aside to build “Blood Countess”. The characters who began the game were the aforementioned Aarakocra Ranger; a Reborn Celestial Warlock named Sister Theodora, who was created by the Abbot of Krezk as a potential bride for Strahd; a Half-Elf Grave Domain Cleric named Alistor, who is the grandson of the dragon Argynvost and the love-child of Strahd von Zarovich (here reimagined as a Half-Elf) and Alek Gwilym; and a Human Spirits Bard, who was Actual Zak Bagans from the Travel Channel, who was meant as a short-term character and who would later be replaced by a Human Monster Hunter Ranger, Tam Mantigieri, who is the reincarnation of Sergei von Zarovich.

The party first encountered Ismark Kolyanovich in the woods outside Barovia Village, as they were under attack by a truly ridiculous amount of wolves. Accompanied by several villagers, including a grown Thorn Durst (who is Ismark’s ex-boyfriend and political rival), Ismark helped the party dispatch the wolves and uncover the body of his friend, Dalvan, who was trying to deliver a letter to the outside world on behalf of Ismark’s recently deceased father, Kolyan. The characters convened in the Blood on the Vine Tavern where Ismark and Thorn briefed them on the situation in Barovia Village: Ismark’s father, the burgomaster, recently died of a heart attack while the Kolyanovich manor was under siege by Countess Strahd von Zarovich. The countess has been attempting to woo and/or kidnap Ismark’s younger sister, Ireena, for the last year. She has attacked Ireena a few times, but never successfully seduced her or turned her into a vampire. Ismark wants to take Ireena to the next town over, Vallaki, which is a two-day trip, but there have been mysterious deaths in Barovia Village for the last year and he feels obligated as the burgomaster to put his people at ease before prioritizing his family. He and Ireena also need help burying Kolyan, which shouldn’t be a hard task, but a year ago, Doru Donavich led 75% of the village’s young adults in a rebellion against Strahd and all were slaughtered. Finding strong backs to carry the coffin has been a challenge. The party agreed to help Ismark with all three of his tasks. The funeral led the party to a church in utter disrepair, with a depressed and half-mad priest, Father Donavich. The event was also “crashed” by the countess herself. Strahd offered funeral gifts to Ireena and Ismark and insisted that she would come back to check their progress on solving the murders. During this meeting, several other things of note happened. First, the Aarakocra Ranger demanded that Strahd give him a gift. She cast “Suggestion” on him and commanded him to fly as high as he could for his gift. He flew into the mists, which give levels of exhaustion for each minute spent in them. This led to him falling out of the sky, very nearly to his death, and being immobilized until Thorn’s sister, Rose, used her druidic magic to heal him. It was a terrifying power move. Strahd also scored a Nat 20 on insight checking Alistor, thus realizing the uncanny resemblance between him and his father, Alek Gwilym, and realizing that he was her son. Lastly, when Strahd left, Theo discovered that Father Donavich was keeping his son, Doru, under the church as a vampire spawn. She allowed him to drink from her and the two bonded over being monstrous against their will/nature. Thorn also told Zak about the March of the Dead: the parade of the fallen villagers who reenact their failed rebellion every night. 

The party decided to investigate the Donaviches and their role in the mysterious deaths in the village, but they also checked out the Durst Pie Emporium and learned that Rose and Thorn ran a pie shop under the patronage of their godmother, Morgantha. An investigation led them to learn that Morgantha was a hag and the pie flour was made of the ground bone dust of humans. Now that they had two leads, the party had to decide which to pursue when reporting to Strahd. Further complications ensue as Theo, who wears a full habit and veil, grapples with the fact that she was created to perfectly resemble Ireena to placate Strahd. Alistor spent his time trying to hide his holy magic as well as his kindness, which he failed to do. His selflessness impressed Ismark a lot. Theo spent more time at the church, bonding with Doru and the two briskly tripped into something like love… which is complicated by the fact that Theo is both promised to the countess and has feelings for Stella Wachter in her adopted hometown, Vallaki. The Aarakocra Ranger got kidnapped by the hags and Alistor rescued him. Then, the group devised a plan to stage an attack by Doru in Durst Manor to summon the hags and Strahd. They turned the hags over to Strahd for justice and she swiftly killed them. After she departed, Ismark turned leadership of Barovia Village over to Thorn. However, Rose insisted they should bury the hags by the family windmill. Since they would be traveling in the same direction, the party and the Durst siblings traveled together. They made it to Tser Pool and camped with the Vistani. There, Madam Eva insisted upon reading for the characters. She indicated the locations of the treasures they would need to defeat Strahd and hinted at character deaths to come, future allies, and secrets the player characters were trying to keep. Morning arrived and so too did a flood. The Dursts fled in one direction; the party in the other. They took the high road to avoid the swollen river and were ambushed by Rahadin and dhampir soldiers. While they could not defeat Rahadin, they dispatched the dhampir soldiers with surprising swiftness. However, Zak Bagans perished in the fight and the party pushed his body into the river. They continued to Vallaki. 

Around this time, the Aarakocra Ranger player had caused problems with every member of the group. He demanded solo sessions, sold the party out, complained that his character was not narratively tied to the game despite not attempting to tie into the story, and refused plot hooks I offered him. He was not invited back. When the party arrived in Vallaki, I ruled that Izek Strazni shot Aarakocra Ranger out of the sky and killed him, believing him to be a spy from the city of Immol. The remaining characters (Theo, Alistor, Ireena, and Ismark) were welcomed into Vallaki with ease. The first person the party encountered upon arrival was Victor Vallakovich, who presented them with exposition about the town: the Festival of the Blazing Sun and Feast of St. Andral were due to fall on the same day in three days, but, more importantly, Theo’s adoptive father, Father Lucian Petrovich, had died during Theo’s absence from town. The funeral had already happened and Lucian’s former acolyte (and suspected biological daughter), Zinnadia Swilova, had taken over the Church of St. Andral. Theo, grief-stricken and rage-fueled, immediately booked it to the church to take over the services. It was awkward, but a very powerful moment for her. The party also met Tam Mantigieri at the Blue Water Inn. Before this - and don’t quote my timeline - Tam was making his way from his home in Mount Baratok to the town of Vallaki. On his way, he discovered a kidnapper with two children he intended to drown: a Vistana girl named Arabelle and a Dusk Elf boy named Kian. Arabelle is the daughter of the Vistani leader, Luvash, and the Vistani offered Tam a reward for his service. Kian is the first Dusk Elf child anyone has seen in three hundred years. Tam returned him to his mother, Patrina Velikovna, and though grateful, the Dusk Elves have little to offer him. Tam, modest by nature, insisted there was nothing he wanted from them. He immediately charmed the party and volunteered to help them solve the mystery of Lucian’s death, which seemed to be foul play. Because Tam and Theo are from Vallaki, they didn’t meet NPCs so much as interact with neighbors, friends, and enemies. Tam revealed that he had been in love with the coffin maker’s daughter, Valeria, before she left Vallaki to marry a wealthy man in Immol named Vasili von Holtz; before that, he had been romantic rivals with Nikolai Wachter over Elizaveta Vallakovich, the Vallakoviches eldest child who disappeared two years ago, right around the time Nikolai Wachter Sr. died of a mysterious illness. Tam also enjoys teasing Victor, who is Theo’s best friend and adoptive cousin. Izek Strazni has a crush on Theo that won’t quit. The Wachters, local menaces, were showing their out-of-town cousin, Lavinia around Vallaki, which prompted suspicion from characters who hailed from Vallaki. Theo sent letters to the clergy of Barovia to inform them of her father’s death. She did not expect to hear back. 

The party began their investigation of Lucian’s death at the Church of St. Andral. There, they discovered that the bones of St. Andral were missing, signs of a struggle (not a suicide) in Lucian’s office, and a vampire spawn in the coffin in which Lucian was meant to be buried. They at first suspected Zinnadia of the death, but after she helped them fight the vampire spawn, they figured they should do more research. They went to the coffin maker’s shop. There, Theo discovered some (but not all) of St. Andral’s bones and Alistor discovered a room filled with vampire spawn. Panicking, Alistor set the building ablaze and evacuated. The coffin maker, Mr. Vander Voort, did not escape, but Valeria did and reported to the burgomaster immediately. The party, who received invitations to various events, including “craft time” for the impending festival at Vallakovich Manor, used it as an excuse to come in and begin exploring. Alistor really enjoyed it! The other characters? Not so much. Alistor also caught the eye of a local nobleman, Rafael Buckvhold, which inspired the first stirrings of jealousy in Ismark. Meanwhile, Theo discovered that Lucian was alive and being held prisoner in a makeshift jail cell in an upstairs closet of Vallakovich Manor. She asked Victor to distract everyone (which he did, using Hypnotic Pattern), while the party smuggled Lucian back to the Blue Water Inn. There, Lucian revealed that for all his and Vargas’ political differences, the final nail in the proverbial coffin was Lucian’s discovery that Vargas was having an affair with Zinnadia Swilova, Lucian’s daughter, with the intent to promote her within civil service (possibly to baroness if Lydia met an unfortunate demise). The brothers-in-law fought and Lucian lost, ending up as a prisoner in his sister’s home. The party planned to stage Lucian’s return from the dead as a miracle and sought to find the remaining holy relics for the church.

The next day, they spent time at Wachterhaus and learned the details of Stella’s condition. Victor (accidentally!) made her think she was a cat. Fiona wants retribution for her poor Stella. Nikolai and Lavinia watched the party closely. The party decided to snoop and broke into Stella’s room and discovered her state was worse than they thought. They knew they would need a “remove curse” spell to put her right. Ireena and Theo also stole into Fiona Wachter’s room and stole an iron lockbox. Theo tried to open it, but it was trapped and so it knocked her unconscious. Ireena was able to put her right, using her paladin abilities, but Nikolai Wachter caught them. They admitted to wanting to help Stella. He said that if they could do that, he would help them with whatever they needed. What the characters didn’t know was that Fiona and Lavinia both heard them stealing the lockbox. Moreover, what the party suspects but does not know is that Lavinia is Strahd in disguise. She wants to get close to Alistor and/or Ireena for vastly different reasons, but cannot bring herself to speak to Alistor for fear of getting him killed. He is her last scrap of humanity that she didn’t know she still had. The party smuggled the lockbox out of Wachterhaus and returned to the Blue Water Inn. They discovered the remaining bones of St. Andral inside and a letter from the burgomaster of Immol, Dagmar Olyavna, proposing an alliance with Fiona if she takes over Vallaki, as well as thanking her for the item exchange. It is now clear that Dagmar has the Tome of Strahd. Theo relayed what she and Ireena discovered about Stella to the party and Alistor announced that he has a brother in Barovia (specifically Argynvostholt) who may be able to help cure Stella. They resolve to go to Argynvostholt after the festival.

That night, the characters have strange dreams. Tam dreams of being a man called Sergei von Zarovich and meeting a beautiful woman named Tatyana, who looks just like Ireena. Theo has her first dream ever of a blond man smuggling babies out of a castle. Alistor has a nightmare vision of his goddess, taunting him. Alistor and Ismark, who are sharing a bed, are awoken suddenly by Alistor’s night terrors and the party assumes they are having sex. This becomes a running joke but it’s painful because Alistor and Ismark would very much like to have sex with each other. 

On the day of the Feast/Festival, the party stages Lucian’s reappearance in society as a miracle, and the townsfolk believe he is a saint. The festival itself is… odd. The party overhears the bard Rictavio telling a gruesome story about Strahd’s defeat of the Order of the Silver Dragon, which makes Alistor doubt that his brother and grandfather (Grand Paw) are alive. Izek meets Ireena and Theo at the same time and cannot tell who is his “true love”. He and Ismark almost come to blows because Izek will not stop harassing the girls. Vargas calls him off. Because Alistor killed all the vampire spawn in the coffin maker’s shop and Theo reconsecrated the church, they circumvented a larger attack. They accomplish some tasks in town for a day and then set out for Argynvostholt. Along the way, they come across Valeria von Holtz’s impaled body in the woods and are ambushed by one of Strahd’s brides/generals and her lieutenants. Alistor goes down but is revived. The characters barely escape with their lives and they reach Argynvostholt… which is in ruins. Undaunted, the party continues. There, they see a time- and war-ravaged castle that was once beautiful and briefly encounter Argynvost’s ghost. They seek out the fallen knights and Alistor is reunited with his twin brother, Godfrey, who has become a revenant. Godfrey explains the fall of Argynvostholt and the sorry state of the Order. Still, it is a bittersweet reunion, as neither thought they would see each other again. They spend the night catching up while the other characters explore the ruins and meet other fallen knights. 

In the morning, there is a delivery to Argynvostholt: a coffin with Tam’s name inscribed upon it. Upon opening it, a swarm of bats fly out. When they fly away, a horse and rider, pursued by Vistani on dire wolves, appear. The woman on the horse rides with an attache, who turns out to be a very frightened Victor Vallakovich. His teleportation circle worked! And it teleported him to the gates of Ravenloft as Ezmeralda “Ez” D’Avenir was fleeing the vampires inside. She rescued him and rode a stolen horse to Argynvostholt. The Vistani who pursued her are led by Arrigal, Luvash’s brother, and he claims that he has come to mete out justice for Ez’s horse theft. The party refuses to give her up to Arrigal and in exchange, she reads their fortunes (a refresher course for the players). Stressed, Tam angrily hacks the coffin to bits, which alerts the hostile revenants to the party’s presence. Godfrey kicks them out for the time being to protect them. On their way back, the party examines Valeria’s corpse and discovers that she is a dhampir in the service of Strahd’s army, as evidenced by the brand of the von Zarovich crest on her side… in the same place that Alistor was branded with it as punishment by a commanding officer during his time on the Material Plane. 

The party returns to Vallaki and receives letters. Theo receives sympathy and tenderness from Doru about Lucian’s death, so she writes to him to clear the misunderstanding up. She receives a strange, doomsday-esque letter from the Church in Immol as well. Alistor receives an invitation from Rafael Buckvhold to join in on making masks for the next festival: a masquerade. He agrees to come and Rafael kisses him in the garden and invites him to bed after arts and crafts time. Upon noticing Alistor’s brand, Rafael assumes Alistor is on the same side as the Buckvhold family. Tam confesses his dream to Ireena and they have a conversation about past lives and nightmares, which brings them closer together. Alistor comes back to the inn and tells Ismark he slept with Rafael, which Ismark tries to act normal about. Alistor also hears a creepy song from Rictavio that reminds him of his nightmare. At the church, Izek proposes to Theo. Theo writes to Doru to ask him to either pretend to be (or really be) her fiance to deter Izek’s advances. The next day, Alistor buys Godfrey a costume for the masquerade, so they can smuggle him into town to heal Stella. Tam and Theo go to lunch at Wachterhaus and learn Lavinia has left for the time being and Lady Wachter thinks the party should aid her in “getting rid of” Izek. Ismark receives a letter from Thorn detailing the situation in Barovia Village: people are getting weird without cannibal pies and Doru is refusing to feed, which means he is acting erratic. Thorn confesses to missing Ismark and tells him that Rose abandoned him. Ismark is conflicted about this letter. Meanwhile, Theo gets two letters. One is from the Abbot, Lucian’s father and her creator, expressing detached remorse for Lucian’s “death”. The other is from Doru, over-enthusiastically accepting her proposal. He writes her the horniest, most vampiric love letter and she is smitten. Ismark is uneasy but unsure how to tell her. Alistor and Ismark talk and are interrupted by Victor Vallakovich, who tells them something weird is happening at his house - that he thinks he heard his mother talking to his deceased sister. They join his investigation and discover that Lydia’s study is a cover for a Ba’al Verzi assassin’s headquarters. They find ciphers and letters, an eerie mirror that reeks of conjuration magic, and a dagger that, upon unsheathing, they realize is cursed. Alistor devises a plan: he teaches Victor the “spare the dying” cantrip and asks Ismark to stab him. It turns into a profound (and horny) bonding moment between Alistor and Ismark, which Victor takes as confirmation that they are sleeping together. Ismark stabs Alistor to death and Victor brings him back. Covered in blood, Alistor and Ismark return to the Blue Water Inn. Theo is at the church, which means Alistor and Ismark interrupt a nice moment between Ireena and Tam. Urwin draws them a bath (they take turns) and the two groups fill each other in on what they are experiencing. Sensing unresolved tension between Alistor and Ismark, Ireena elects to stay in Tam’s room with him. Alistor and Ismark have an intimate and vulnerable moment where they talk about how much they trust each other and how relieved they are that Alistor is okay. They embrace and the only thing that keeps them from kissing and falling into bed together is their certainty that Ireena will come in any moment. She doesn’t.

The characters are again plagued with weird dreams. Theo dreams of the blond man again, this time in a war tent, but the dream warps and twists every time she breaks immersion to talk to him. Tam has a nightmare of his and Ireena/Tatyana’s death, narrated by the same voice that tormented Alistor’s nightmare before. Alistor, however, dreams of his grandfather’s ghost. Argynvost tells him how proud he is of him and how grateful he is that he is home. Morning finds Ireena at the window, charmed and bitten by Strahd. Tam is freaked out and tries to keep her safe as the party ventures back to Argynvostholt to deliver Godfrey’s costume. Along the way, they are attacked by needle blights. Once back at Argynvostholt for the night, Tam insists that Ireena should sleep in a windowless room. When she thinks that’s odd, he announces that the whole party should sleep in a windowless room! He, Ireena, Ismark, and Theo do so. Alistor goes to sleep in his childhood bedroom. While Theo sleeps, she hears the voice of the blond man ask, “Ilona? Are you at Argynvostholt?” He tries to ask if Argynvost is there if there are children there, but she doesn’t know what he’s talking about. The dream fades out. The voice of The Morning Lord comes through and speaks to her. Theo is momentarily certain she is speaking to her god, but he slips up and sounds a little too human. She’s aware she’s in the presence of something holy, but something feels off. The conversation is cut short. Unable to sleep, Theo goes to find the knights, only to learn that Vladimir Horngaard keeps a night watch. Godfrey and the other nights help defend her. This occurs every time someone comes up the stairs during the next hour. Vladimir clearly does not remember Godfrey, only referring to him as a “soldier”. Theo joins the revenants and learns to play dice games from them. Godfrey sends the resident squire, Arthund, to hunt game for breakfast for their guests. Alistor gets up, has a confrontation with Vladimir, and then goes to the roof to talk to one of his old friends, Damian, about what happened between Godfrey and Vladimir and also to help him repair a broken ballista. While talking, Damian asks Alistor to deliver a wedding ring he fashioned for his beloved, Dame Almathea, to the memorial crypt for the Order of the Silver Dragon in Immol. Alistor agrees. Meanwhile, Tam comforts Ireena, who is cured of her charmed condition and is angry with herself. Arthund returns with a goat he killed and he is determined to impress Godfrey with his kill. He then confesses he doesn’t know how to cook and so Tam, Ismark, and Ireena take over. Ismark gathers everyone for breakfast. Over roasted goat, the knights tell the party their unfinished business. Sir Erich wants to hunt the roc of Mount Ghakis. Sir Robern wants to find out what became of his family. Dame Ragnelle wants her art returned from Ravenloft to Argynvostholt. Arthund just wants to be a hero. Godfrey takes Alistor aside and tells him that Argynvost’s skull has been taken as a prize by Baba Lysaga and he wants it restored to the mausoleum. The party agree to help all of the knights. On their walk back, Tam discovers a bundle of clothes, which the party surmises belongs to a werewolf. In leaving it alone, they are allowed to pass safely onward. They agree to visit the Dusk Elves because they are meant to have one of the items they need to fight Strahd (the Icon of Ravenloft).

Upon arriving at Huldefolk, the Dusk Elf settlement, the characters realize they are being watched oddly. The guards outside Patrina’s home ask Alistor who his mother’s clan is. He does not know his mother, but he can name Alek Gwilym as his father. This causes gossip to kick up and the elves search for his mother. Tam insists upon speaking to Patrina. She reluctantly allows the party into her home, where the other characters meet her ten-year-old son, Kian, who is studying to be a mage. Tam tells Patrina that he and Ireena are having unsettling dreams about lives together and Patrina confesses that one of the reasons she took to Tam is because she believes he is the reincarnation of Sergei von Zarovich. She declares that Ireena must be Tatyana and she is very sorry. Theo and Alistor examine the religious statues Patrina keeps and learn of the Lady of Shadows, also known as The Raven Queen, who was Queen Ravenovia von Royen von Zarovich in life. Alistor hates this, but Tam hates all of it so much that he goes outside to throw up. Ireena follows him. Patrina explains how Ravenovia ascended to godhood and the party detects resentment, maybe even hatred in Patrina’s voice. She tells Alistor that if they do not find his mother, out of respect for his father’s memory, she will claim Alistor for clan Velikov to give him permission to visit and remain in Huldefolk. As the conversation unfolds, it becomes clear that Patrina knows who Alistor’s mother might be but will not say. Theo asks Patrina about the prophesied item. Patrina eventually confesses to having the Icon of Ravenloft and needing it to protect Kian. She admits she has a dangerous mission at the Amber Temple she intends to complete to save her people, but that she cannot bequeath the item to the party until it is done because it is her only insurance for Kian’s safety from Strahd. The party agrees to help her with her mission in the Amber Temple in exchange for the item.

They return to Vallaki and Theo tells Ireena she has something important to tell her. She takes a drunk VIctor as moral (or “amoral”) support as she confesses that she looks identical to Ireena. Ireena seethes that the Abbot created Theo without considering her as her own person and she seethes that Strahd wants to harm them both. She insists that Theo is still her friend and that it isn’t her that she is mad at. Meanwhile, Ismark shares his letter from Thorn with Alistor, asking what to do. Alistor insists they should tell Theo. Tam sits in the bar with a bottle of wine and tries to ruminate on what he learned about Ravenovia. On a Nat 20, he accesses Sergei’s memories of Ravenovia: how hard it was to secure her love, how she pushed her children, how she drove her children apart. He feels sick. The characters decide to call it a night. Tam and Alistor stay at the inn. Theo, Ireena, and Ismark go to the church, which is now Hallowed ground. Ireena and Theo decide that everyone in the party should match someone else in the party to throw Strahd off everyone’s scent. 

That’s where we ended tonight. It’s been WILD and it continues to get more and more interesting. There are a lot of miscellaneous facts I’d like to share, but they are spoilers and it’s almost 6 AM as I type this. I’m DELIGHTED by this game! Thank you for reading!

[exyugoth]

Luck, misfortune, acceptance

I try to pinpoint the pinpoint the first time I felt an overwhelming sense of bad luck, misfortune, evil eye, whatever you want to call it. Was it when I started losing more friendships than I can count in the same way that made me feel inadequate over and over again, every year since I was 11 ? Was it when we kept discovering that some illnesses ran in the family ? Was it when I understood that what I had experienced as a child was abuse and that I might not have been the only one ? Was it when we lost several family members in a short timespan and we were robbed of goodbyes ? Was it when the fridge broke down that one time ? And then the car. And then my computer. And then the sink. All in the same week.

Did it start with me - they did, after all, take me to some sort of witch because I refused to sleep and they thought someone had given me the evil eye the first few weeks of my existence - or is there some truth in my parents' words when they say that we have been cursed ? I recently learned that, in 2001, my parents were ready to move us back to their motherland. Everything was set up. Clothes and furniture were packed and ready to go. They eventually had to give up on the idea after nationalists violently attacked Bosniaks again in their hometown. To me, it felt like yet another unfortunate tale that could only happen to us.

I wonder how much of these feelings are cultural, how much of it is born out of superstitious beliefs. How much of it is rooted in having collectively experienced unspeakable and unfathomable life-changing violence that has spanned multiple generations, without ever taking a break. It makes sense that, if we cannot truly make sense of something, it is easier to conceptualize it as some uncontrollable power that comes to crush us and continues to strike repeatedly.

It also seems rather self-centered to believe that we are special enough to be cursed. That these horrible occurrences must be someone or something else's fault because it never should have happened to us. That our lives are so bad that we must have the evil eye. As if thousands on this planet were not experiencing much more difficult and traumatic life events at the exact same time. When I start thinking about that, I feel guilty.

Then, I think about how lucky I actually am, despite everything. And how lucky we are. "If the war hasn't killed us, neither will this." That's a sentence I've heard my grandmother, my mother and my aunt say before. And it's true since none of our relatives, as far as I know, have died in the war. We've been lucky enough to visit my family every summer since I was born, unlike million of others in the diaspora. I was lucky enough to meet my grandpa. Hell, I even met my great-grandpa. That doesn't sound like being cursed to me.

My therapist often congratulates me on how well I cope with things and how well I self-reflect. When I read about how to recognize that a child may be undergoing sexual abuse, I did not find myself in the signs. Was that luck? I felt proud of that, even though I knew it was wrong to feel pride. I was a happy child. A bit too talkative at the doctor's. Bratty and spoiled. Energetic. Cheerful. Sometimes a bit rude to my peers when I felt like I had to protect myself. It was only years after the abuse stopped that I developed anxiety and depression, and I'm still convinced that it had more to do with my fear of failure and disappointing my loved ones than it had to do with anything else.

Although when something bad happens to me, it's always a devastating and troubling wave of bad things happening at the same time, deep down I don't think I'm truly cursed. But I do need to accept that it's just this thing called life. And life sometimes really fucking hurts. But that shall pass too.

[ramblingvents]

This is kinda a vent but also a request for advice from anyone who knows about memory loss from depression, anxiety, ADHD, or a dissociative disorder.

Does anyone else with extreme anxiety experience some form of dissociation like all the time? Like always feeling not like yourself, not recognizing yourself, not feeling real/like life is real or like recognizing yourself in the past etc.

I've been feeling this pretty much everyday for the last year and when I'm really stressed it causes memory issues sometimes (like when I was doing a musical last year I had a minor part but would dissociate so badly due to stress that I couldn't remember essentially 2 paragraphs worth of lines on stage. Recently, I dissociated during an exam and couldn't remember anything about Electricity and Magnetism, a subject I've been learning about in college for 2 years.) I also have trouble remembering everything completely that happened during my internship (which ended a month ago), have only bits and pieces of last year, and also only bits and pieces of highschool.

I have both severe anxiety and depression and am in the process of treating/getting diagnosed ADHD but am wondering if this is normal for those disorders or if it sounds more like a dissociative disorder or a physical medical problem.

I never feel like I forgot the last couple hours or anything, but sometimes when I try to think about something in the past (even recent past) I only vaguely remember the events of it and not the details and I feel like the rest of the memory is in there somewhere but I haven't triggered it/ can't go deeper into it. I also feel dizzy like all the time and super tired and have a hard time concentrating on anything for more than 20 minutes and get migraines several times a week (the migraines started more recently - in March of this year).

I'm just worried because it's really starting to disrupt my life and it scares me and I don't know if I should go to my doctor about it or a therapist or I'm overthinking it because I have hypochondria. I definitely don't sleep enough or drink enough water so that could be contributing to it.

[ladookhotnikov]

Revival of the Crypto-loan Market on New Principles

Today I want to talk about the crypto-loan market. After the cascading bankruptcy of leading platforms such as BlockFi, Celsius and the Genesis division, many thought that this segment would never recover. However, there is now a revival, but in my opinion, the construction of a new crypto lending market should be based on new principles.

As you know, loans appeared along with money. Whether it be cocoa beans, shells or golden guilders, credit relations have always been one of the drivers for the financial system development.

Just recently, it seemed that Bitcoin would harmoniously integrate into the credit market. The peak fell in the years 2020-21, with tens of billions of dollars flowing into both centralized and decentralized lending platforms. However, a series of crashes in 2022 effectively buried the crypto lending market.

There is nothing surprising. This has happened more than once in traditional credit markets. Let us remember the “Great Depression,” when for several years there was no time for loans at all, because the vast majority of banks went bankrupt, and then for another ten years it was mainly the state that provided loans.

That's what I'm driving at. The traditional banking system has an ultimate creditor (for the USA this is the Federal Reserve System) which, in the event of crisis situations, takes certain measures to stabilize it.

Why not do something similar in the crypto industry? Create a single body that, of course, will not be subordinate to any state, but will be something like the Federal Reserve System.

How can it work? Well, for example, one representative from each major player will be included in the council. Startups with a smaller turnover can choose their representatives. In general, organizational issues are not the main thing here; they can be worked out.

The main thing is that the platform can develop general rules for the industry without waiting for a decision from legislators (this can be expected for years, but time requires making prompt decisions). Perhaps crypto companies will submit certain reports to this single body, which will monitor the state of affairs and respond quickly if a crisis situation arises. Participants will probably have to pay fees. You can't do without it :)

In general, I think the crypto community should work on this idea. The development of general rules, and if they also show their effectiveness, can become a guide to action for legislators in many countries.

[schizopositivity]

Hi there. First, I love your blog and have been finding it very helpful lately. Second, I just wanted some insight on what I'm currently going through. A traumatic event happened to me recently and I'm still dealing with the aftermath, it feels like it's made all my symptoms get worse and caused some old ones to resurface again, and I'm scared of things getting worse. The most convenient counseling available to me (in terms of the location and price) doesn't deal with more severe mental health conditions. They told me not to go back to them because they could only handle things like mild circumstantial depression and stress. So now I am trying to get back into long term therapy with a professional who'd be more equipped to handle cases like mine, but in the meantime, what coping mechanisms do you suggest just to keep me afloat for a while until I can access a professional again?

I don't want to get too detailed and unintentionally trigger anyone, but basically my intrusive thoughts have gotten especially bad (in all senses - frequency, intensity, how graphic/detailed they get), my "unhealthy beliefs" are becoming more obvious to the people around me and it's been interfering with my daily functioning, some other stuff has been going on that's hard to put into words tbh and overall it feels like my brain never gets a break from itself since it's so damn "loud" and it feels like the thoughts won't shut off. Sorry since I realize this is kind of a heavy topic, please don't feel pressured but if you have any resources or just advice from your own experience about how to cope with this for a while, I'd appreciate it a lot, please. I'm currently not a danger to myself or others because I do have family with me and they watch after me (check in on me, monitor my meds, etc.) but there is still that "divide" between me and them where they don't fully grasp what I'm going through and it just feels like hell inside of my own brain. Thank you.

first off im really sorry you went through something traumatic recently. you didnt deserve that or the after effects you got from it. i went through something traumatic earlier this year and it also made my symptoms worse, so youre not alone in that.

heres one resrouce, you can click on "what should i do if i experienced a traumatic event?"

as for dealing with intrusive thoughts, one thing i do is right after they happen i think to myself "obviously thats not what im thinking" or "clearly thats not my real conscious thoughts" as a way to dismess them as just intrusive thoughts and not anything to do with how i really feel. to discredit them and not give them any deeper meaning.

id also encourage you to talk more to your family and friends, to really open up and tell them the truth and how youre feeling and what youre thinking. most people want to know whats really going on with their loved ones. plus you never know what kind of advice and support they could offer until you open up. and maybe if talking isnt an easy way to show your emotions maybe do it through drawings or poetry, or even showing them a song or movie you relate to right now.

i wish you luck on getting the professional help you deserve. and if its possible, dont settle for someone you dont feel comfortable talking to or someone that isnt equipted to handle your problems. you wont offend a therapist/counselor/psychiatrist by changing to a different one, its their job to help you and if they cant its totatally normal and appropraite to switch to someone else, they dont take it personally.

[solesurvivorpaigeargot]

I absolutely LOVE Sketchy Saturdays and I always look forward to them!! As for my question(s)? What made you decide to start doing it(I'm glad you do but I was just curious!)?

Hoooo boi the Sketchy Saturday Origin Story: I suppose there's two versions.

The short version reads " Moving stress, deployment depression, and isolation VS. my utter determination to DO SOMETHING whilst trapped in my home " -- Sketchy Saturday was the result of that title fight, so I guess the fandom won in the end? XD

The long version, however... Well, buckle up, cause this is gonna be a ride.

It may surprise y'all to know that two years I was eyeballs-deep in the South Park fandom. The blog still exists; my mainblog, JustCallMeButtlord, built to interact with the audience of my fanfictions-- the New Kid Stories, called NKS for short [gonna be porting those to Ao3 soon, just gotta figure out what robo-reader I'm gonna use to make a quick n dirty podfic out of the series as well as help me hunt down typos my eyes galze over]. The first 'season' of stories had ended, 8 completed fics, and I was puttering about with a bonus holiday story that was several months out of season. Not that I CARED because I was on GUAM where seasons don't exist and my time blindness gets even worse becasue without seasons changing it feels like time never progrsses even after being on the island for three cocksucking years.

I don't hate Guam, I am just not built for constant heat. I am a snow creature; I like below-freezing temperatures so I can layer up in fuzzy, fluffy things and drink hot drinks and cuddle loved ones and/or furry animals. It's a lovely island, I adored my first week there... I just wasn't made to live there.

HIlariously, NKS started out of the stress of moving to Guam. Two years and 8 fics later, the place we were renting was no longer within our price range and my hubby and I were forced to move onto base. Under the leader whom I refuse to name, military pay was given a precentage raise... but it was ripped out of bonuses and OCONUS pay. OCONUS is what a military member is paid when they're stationed Outisde the CONtinental United States. This usually means overseas bases like Japan, but it also means Hawaii, aaaaaand... GUAM. So that percentage pay increase for the military at large meant belt-tightening for every service member abroad, and we were forced to move onto base.

In case y'all haven't noticed by now, I'm a raging socialist with some issued with authority. I DO NOT LIKE EXISTING ON BASE. I do not like existing in a place where the national anthem plays twice a day, every day, at 6 AM and then again whenever the hell sundown is that day. And there's an unspoken rule no one tells you that when it plays you're supposed to stop what you're doing, face the nearest set of speakers playing the song, and stare in that direction with your hand over your heart until its over. That, if you're driving, you have to put on your emergency flashers and pull over. No one tells you this. NO ONE TELLS YOU THIS.

And then, before we had secured a place on base but we had set a move out date for the rental house, the Pandemic happened. While we were between homes. The base is talking full lockdown, Guam authorities want to shut down the island but businesses are terrified of not getting the tourist season business, we don't even know if we'll be allowed to move on to base.

Surprise, I stopped writing for a while... but I picked Fallout 4 back up again. I had been forced into the series years earlier by a toxic relationship, but the game itself hadn't been bad-- just the way I'd been forced to play it by someone who was firmly not in my life anymore. When confronted with character creation, I wasn't sure whom I wanted to make... but decided to go back to an old character. A VERY old character, whom I hadn't thought of since I'd finished ME3 at least 4 years prior, and a character I first conceived of when I was 14-ish... which is now about 15 years ago.

Paige.

I've talked before about how well Paige's story maps onto Fo4, but this was before I knew that. I knew the opening, her losing her kid, and that fit with her-- but something clicked while I was playing and the part of my brain that likes to create started wandering off. Soon enough I've got a couple chapters of a ficlet that I'm TOTALLY just writing as a personal one-shot to de-stress, no way I'm publishing this, I don't wanna get distracted from NKS, I got a whole 'nother season to write! Who cares if no one is reading it anymore because South Park Fandom doesn't like continuous plots.... right?

I was burnt out as hell, the move was looming, the Pandemic was getting worse and everything was getting scarier.

Then the news came through that hubby would be deploying again.

He wasn't supposed to, but the Navy decided the safest place for their sailors was the middle of the ocean, so if you WERENT in quarantine you were going on the boat and you were living there. Didn't matter if your spouse would be alone, unpacking a whole home by themselves.

I had a friend on base. We hung out. I met with my DND group on weekends; we all lived on base now, so we could meet up in like five minutes... and then restrictions tightened. You could be fined up to 5 grand for gathering in groups greater than 5, even outdoors, and detained if suspected of going to a home that wasn't yours. I still met 2 of my friends once a week for walks; get outside, be active, talk to other humans, but besides that? I was locked up alone in a new house in a place that I did NOT like existing in.... with a fresh new hyperfixation developing.

I think it was about a week into the new house that I made the new blog. At first I tried to run it side by side with the South Park stuff, but it wasn't long before all my attention was here... aaaand it also wasn't long before I was confronted with a lot of my own despair; of lockdown, of isolation, of watching a broken system crumble and not being able to DO anything about it, and I started to kinda lose my shit. I fuss-- I can't leave things alone, and I couldn't leave this feeling alone; of being fully and entirely helpless and hopeless.

And then I sketched a thing for a friend, and it made them happy. They were having a rough time, too, and I put something together because I couldn't think of anything else. And it helped. It lifted them up, and it lifted me up, too. Someone else had recently reblogged one of those pallet challenges that floats around Tumblr, and I decided FUCK IT LET'S DO THIS THING AND CALL IT SKETCHY SATURDAY!

Little secret, the very first Sketchy Saturday request? Was me. I was so scared no one would noticed the event, I sent myself the very first request, back when the event still took anons. Soon as that first picture was up:

BANG, suddenly four more; some people off anon. I met people that day, talked to them after the very first Sketchy weekend was over, chatted about the games and characters and art and writing and just... felt human for the first time in a really long while.

I figured I'd hold on to Sketchy Saturday until the deployment was over-- once hubby was back, I'd decide whether I was keeping it or not... but he came back, and I was still super into it, and he was supportive, sooooo I kept going! And then we did Sketchy Secret Santa, and people loved it, and my volunteers are excited about being Sketchy Elves and Secret Helpers and just OH MY GOD I DID A THING GUYS. I DID A THING-- that was just me all December and January long lmafo.

AND JANUARY! Because AH HECK, WE MOVING AGAIN! Because hubby finally got orders, and OH MY GOD we're going back to WA... but it's still a move half-way around the globe, and I was SURE I'd have to shut down the event for a month while we got our shit in order and NOPE, because here come the volunteers from Sketchy Secret Santa, and they wanna fill in all month long! Like... I didn't even ask for that shit, guys. They offered it so the event wouldn't have to take a gap.

Jesus I'm getting teary just remembering it.

So yeah. Sketchy Saturday is here because I got really lonely and stressed out while Fallout 4 provided me with some... catharsis for my situation, and then a pandemic happened.

And then y'all happened, and I'm still here. :D

[uncloseted]

Somehow I just remembered this time when I was 9 years old my friend and I used to walk in the border balcony (a third floor). We were little girls and we didn't realize how dangerous it was, so we just used to walk and walk on the border, spining and balancing ourselves while we talked about our stuff. My father once saw us and told us to get off, threatening me with hitting me if he ever found me walking in the border again. My mom never hit me, so I didn't fully understand that threat and forgot about it. My dad never spent time at home with us, so it was hard for me to see him as an authority figure too. He was always working, and not because he needed to, he chose to do so. So a few days later, my friend and I were walking on the border again, he saw me, roughly pulled me down and hit me in the face in front of my friend. He told me "I told you so" and left, I froze in embarrassment and pain, and my friend and I were left in an uncomfortable silence for several time. I'm still embarrased about it now, and I wonder if my friend sometimes recalls that as a little girl she had a friend that was hit by his dad. I even think that if my mom hit me (although she never did under any circumstances) it would have been less embarrassing. But it was a man hitting me, a man I barely knew. As an adult now, I realize that my dad is an emotionally stunted man and that in his own way he was just trying to prevent a tragedy from happening, but I don't want to justify his violence. Should I? If it was my mom who discovered us walking in the border, she would have told us to not do it too, and I would have listened to her without the threat of physical violence, because I spent most of my day with her, so I trusted her and saw her as my main authority figure. It's just I struggle so much finding good memories with my dad. I am an adult and I can only recall THREE good memories I had with him during my whole life. The rest of memories I have are of him being derogatory, distant, violent, scary, when people told him stuff about me he come home and confronted me about it without even listening to my version, and even after listening my version, he chose to believe strangers and not me, although I was a good kid and never gave him reasons to distrust me, even teaming up with adults that made my life a living hell.

Anonymous said to effys-closet: Do you think it's ok to spank your kids?

Anonymous said to effys-closet: how can you tell if your parent is abusive or just a bad parent?

I think these are all from the same person, so I’m going to answer them together... I want to start with the last question, how you can tell if a parent is abusive or just a bad parent.  I think the answer is that it’s a spectrum.  On one side you have great parents, on the other side you have wildly abusive parents, and all other parents kind of fit in the middle.  Abuse is best characterized as a pattern of harmful behavior as opposed to sporadic events throughout a person’s childhood; the Child Abuse Prevention and Treatment Act (CAPTA) has defined child abuse and neglect as "any recent act or failure to act on the part of a parent or caregiver that results in death, serious physical or emotional harm, sexual abuse, or exploitation, or an act or failure to act that presents an imminent risk of serious harm."  Definitions change somewhat state to state and country to country, but here are some commonly agreed upon definitions for different kinds of abuse:

Physical abuse: "any nonaccidental physical injury to the child”.  This can include kicking, burning, or biting the child, or any action that results in a physical impairment of the child.  Most US states also include “acts or circumstances that threaten the child with harm or create a substantial risk of harm to the child’s health or welfare”.  This does not generally include spanking in the US.

Neglect: the failure of a parent/person who is responsible for the child to provide needed food, clothing, shelter, medical care, or supervision to the degree that the child’s health, safety, and well-being are threatened with harm.  Many US states also include failure to educate a child under their definition of neglect.

Sexual abuse: this one is pretty self explanatory, and includes sexual exploitation.  In 33 US states, human trafficking of any kind is considered sexual abuse.

Emotional abuse: many, but not all, US states recognize emotional maltreatment as part of their definition of abuse. These are generally described as "injury to the psychological capacity or emotional stability of the child as evidenced by an observable or substantial change in behavior, emotional response, or cognition" and injury as evidenced by "anxiety, depression, withdrawal, or aggressive behavior."

In terms of spanking as a practice, I don’t believe in it.  It’s not an effective tool for modifying children’s behavior; children who are spanked tend to obey parents less with time and develop more aggressive behaviors. The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP), Royal College of Paediatrics and Child Health (RCPCH), and the Royal Australasian College of Physicians (RACP) all recommend that no child should be spanked.  That said, I do think it’s cultural; about 90% of children live in a country where spanking is legal, and in many of those cultures it’s considered the proper way to discipline a child.  I don’t think we can exactly consider it abuse in places where its considered best practice, since the parents are under the impression that they’re doing the best thing for their child and that they’re preventing their child from further harm/bad behavior.

[lawyerd]

ik you started out law school 100% devoted to public interest and I think you mentioned you shifted to now do private first for a bit. as I'm starting ls this fall and also have PI goals, I was wondering if you would mind talking about that decision? would it be different if you were a different school, place, etc.? love your blog and hoping you are safe rn!

Hey! 

Ha yeah I have been on a JOURNEY 

A LONG JOURNEY so it is under a cut (at least I think it is? Sorry if it’s not. Xkit is messing with me here).

I’ve told this story in bits and pieces before because I think I was actively figuring it out for myself at the time, but I think - I hope?? - I finally know what I’m doing, so this is a far fuller picture of my thoughts and experiences from the last few years 

I actually came to law school because I was interested in politics and had some vague thought that people in politics had law degrees, so I could make this work for myself. Before I started law school, our school mailed us a copy of Just Mercy and during my 1L year I worked with the Innocence Project on a case, and then events in my personal life led to the arrest and incarceration of two separate people close to me for offenses that I personally believe should be decriminalized, so I felt passionate about criminal justice and took an internship with a public defenders office. 

The experience wasn’t quite what I thought it would be - my two largest projects were particularly gruesome child pornography defense cases, which was not the work I was interested in doing (and, in retrospect, was a pretty brutal way to introduce a fresh-faced student to public defense work!) - so afterward I cast around aimlessly for a bit. I soon thereafter made law review, and then got an internship with a Federal judge I admired, so I started running in a particular law school circle (law students know the type) and began thinking well, I’m not sure what I want to do, but I now have a very classic big law background, I’ve missed OCI (the on-campus interviewing that happens in the summer after 1L that leads to post-grad jobs in Big Law), but I can start networking and find something that’ll lead me somewhere. 

I grew up poor and can’t lie, I was attracted to the idea of big law money! I figured I’d do it for a few years and if I hated it, soft-exit through a clerkship to something more public interest. But in the meantime, hey it’s good experience and I can pay down my student loans. So I took my third internship in a corporate litigation firm. And again, it just was not for me. The environment of the particular office was very isolating, the work was depressing (foreclosing on people’s homes on behalf of banks! asbestos defense! defending employers in discrimination suits!).

So, I kind of scrapped that second, new plan. It’s hard to say I’d turn down one of those jobs if I managed to land one (we are in a pandemic and oh my god they do pay SO MUCH MONEY and I have SO MUCH DEBT), but it’s not where my values are, not something I could stomach long-term, and it’s not work I’m actively out seeking. I finished my law school internships working for a municipal law firm, thinking that would be a good way to marry my interest in politics with my interest in litigation, but it felt a lot like just working at a private DAs office, which I didn’t realize when I started (somehow!) and didn’t particularly enjoy. Just felt like the majority of the work I was doing was litigating punitive laws against the citizenry that I didn’t particularly care for. 

Which brings me to now. Three-week post-grad Kit. Hello! Sounds like I’ve still got no fucking clue what I’m doing, but I promise you I have sorted it out now. None of those roles was the exact position I was looking for (well, the judge’s chambers were pretty great) but each taught me enough about what I am looking for that I’m feeling comfortable about my next steps. Notably, I learned that I enjoy litigation a LOT (I did a transactional drafting clinic at school just to dip my toes into those waters to make sure I wasn’t missing out on anything and oh boy, I was not) and I learned from topics that I did not enjoy litigating what I might actually enjoy litigating. In particular, there were several times when I found the law I was working with particularly invigorating but wished that I was doing the plaintiff’s side work on those topics. These areas include torts and employment law cases, but I have also had some exposure to zoning and affordable housing work that I really enjoyed. I also worked as a Tort Law TA for two years, so I think just really freaking enjoy torts. I have also had more exposure to criminal justice work and recently have been rejecting that I didn’t apply to the public defender's office in my region during their last round of hiring. 

I am not currently looking for a job (seems like a waste to pour so much into it when clearly nobody is hiring right now) other than glancing vaguely to make sure I’m not missing anything huge, but once I’ve taken the bar exam I’m going to start earnestly seeking plaintiff’s side litigation positions or if I can get it, misdemeanor criminal defense (again, would love to be a public defender, but I have slightly missed the boat there for now). My downstairs neighbor is an attorney at a small firm that does plaintiff's side civil litigation and defendant’s side criminal defense and I would be thrilled if I could land something similar. I just...want to work with people and not corporations and help those people through some of their worst days, if I can. Personal Injury attorneys get a bad rap, but I’m telling you, I fucking love Torts and I genuinely believe there is a public good in helping harmed parties recover expenses from their injuries from wrongdoers.

I think when people hear “public interest” their first thought is non-profit or governmental work, but it’s broader than that. The clinics at my school are all considered “public interest” and some were in areas of law like intellectual property. It’s not about where you work, but the clients you serve. I think I would prefer the kind of firm work I have outlined above to any kind of non-profit because non-profits have more narrow missions and usually work in a more narrow legal capacity (i.e. the ACLU does entirely civil rights law, meanwhile the small firm my neighbor works at that I’ve already used as a point of reference does civil rights cases in addition to family law, securities regulation for some reason, personal injury, etc), but honestly, it would be a privilege to work for a principled non-profit, so I wouldn’t say no to that either. 

So that’s where I’m at. It’s been a ride. I’m tired? Is that from the personal journey or is that from typing out six paragraphs about the personal journey? I came to law school because I felt strongly about my own personal values and thought I would like to translate those values into policy. I learned while at law school that litigation is as important an agent for change and protection of the oppressed as legislation and also learned that honestly guys, I am really freaking good at oral arguments and litigation briefs, so I’ve pivoted to this lane. Went on a long journey and it basically took me back to where I started. It’s almost annoying I was so derailed because I could have gotten some great Plaintiff’s side experience while in school, but I didn’t know what I was doing and was flailing openly, casting around. I’m just happy I figured it out now. 

[blackasmidnightcats]

Book 1 Nostalgia

WARNING: This post will have spoilers to the SGE series

The first book in any series will always hold a special place in anyone's heart I think. There is just something beautiful, whether the writing was phenomenal or lacking, about the introduction to a new world and the characters that you're going to know. After reading further into the series, sometimes you just wanna go back to the start, where everything was a lot simpler.

SGE kinda falls into this feeling for me.

I don't think I'm ever going to get over the interactions between the characters (and we haven't even explored most of them) because, personally, Soman is incredibly good with how he does character intercations but the story and plot have a lot to improve on.

And now comparing TSY with TCY it's very glaring.

Soman really has a problem with his plot so much so than with his storyline. It's very repetitive and the storyline suffers from it.

After Book 1, every plot seemed to be the same case; Sophie is an important piece to the main villain, Agatha tries to fix everything, Tedros is getting more crap than needed, annoyingly unhealthy romantic relationships are explored, and the other characters do things.

The last of these examples are really the only things that varies. Everything else is almost always the same in one way or another.

The first book doesn't really follow that pattern. It's a introductory book and I wish Soman did the same vibe as it in QfG.

Though Book 1 wasn't perfect. My biggest main problem with it was how Soman handled Agatha's development from thinking herself a freak and realizing that she was just a beautiful as anyone else (and Tagatha, of course. They had a very unconvincing start) compared to the detailed and precise handling of Sophie's decent and eventual acceptance her wickedness.

I said it once and I'll say it again: I miss vengeful, spited Sophie. Who made the School for Good suffer because Tedros didn't keep his promise and her very impressive Talent to summon Evil creatures at will to do her bidding.

This was the Sophie that I expected more from in the later books but might never get again. With the way that the OTK cover portrays her as the Lion, whether that would be a thing or not, it's clear that Soman wants the readers to look at Sophie in a better light and not as the anti-hero that she is but I could be wrong.

In Book 1, Sophie was incredibly selfish to the point that she wouldn't do anything for others even those that she should care about (i.e. Tedros in the Trial) and in the end, she had to pay for the selfishness by seeing just how Evil she could become and be seen as the witch that she was. Her development from Pink Princess to Witch of Woods Beyond was believable; her ambitiousness combined with her selfishness was what made her gain everything through manipulation and wickedness but it couldn't be hidden for long. Once everyone, including herself, saw what lied underneath her exterior, she lost everything and because of the things that she chooses to do, she naturally hurt and attacked the people that wronged her just as Evil does.

It was caused by a failed romantic pursuit, yes, but unlike the other later romantic relations that she had, the one in Book 1 focused more on the outcome for her character development than in the relationship itself. Honestly her relationships with Rafal, and Rhian, and maybe now Japeth, idk, make absolutely no sense with the importance that the story puts on it because these relationships didn't help further Sophie's character development. It stunted her really.

Now compare this to Agatha.

I think everyone and their cats agree that we all miss witchy Agatha in book 1 and I hope we write more of her in our fanfics like that since Soman won't do it. The thing is, with Agatha, unlike Sophie, whether she is written as a straight-up hero or as a sort of anti-villain with her portrayal as the Snake in the OTK cover, it won't be that far fetched. I don't know if Soman intended this or not but it's pretty frickin impressive with how he managed to make Agatha a pretty versatile character.

Book 1 did not to good with how she went from Graveyard Girl to Fairy Tale Princess. At most, we saw her heroic characteristics but Soman didn't put much effort with making it believable and we were left to our own imaginations with how she could have believably developed and grown into herself. It should have taken more than one chapter to make us believe that Agatha suddenly grew confident with herself and her own brand of beauty and how her relationship with Tedros should have started.

But because of the fact that she's now comfortable as both being a little different and unique in her own way but is still guided by the values of Good and holds it dear to her soul as well as her loyalty to those she loves, she can do great with the best of both worlds.

Agatha hasn't stopped growing since book 1 and I think that reason for that is because Soman knows that he has to square up whenever he writes her. Whether she's developing on her own or with others, she's always learning new values and finding ways to express them in the way that she's comfortable with.

Soman does express that he loves writing in Sophie's POV the most, but it can be a double edged sword if not careful. And I think Soman hasn't been careful.

Now back to the glory of Book 1.

Book one had the most simplest plot and most fluent storyline than in any other book. Even TLEA.

I think I could recall a lot more events in Book 1 than in the more recent ones because there was a lot more events and chapters that were actually necessary to the plot.

So, to go by statistics;

TLEA has the most recorded chapters in the series as of current before the release of OTK with 35 chapters and 3 parts to divide it.

It's followed by Book 1 with 30 chapters.

Then QfG is next with 28 chapters divided into 2 parts.

And aCoT follows with 27 chapters and 2 parts as well.

Last is AWWP with 24 chapters divided into 2 parts as well.

If going by this then OTK should either have a chapter or two more or less than TLEA but not less so than Book 1 because it's going to now be the official last book of the the series.

But that is besides the point. My main problem with the books' storytelling after Book 1 is how disoriented it has become.

Let me make an example with QfG and aCoT. These books are more or less very similar with each other in the number of chapters with only one being the difference while the start of the the "Part 2" portion was a bit different with QfG's starting at chapter 21 while aCoT's started with chapter 17.

But the reception and the fluency of these two books could not be more different from each other.

To say that QfG completely destroyed the fandom is an understatement. I can't tell of aCoT managed to regain the series's former glory for long enough to not let OTK flop but let's be hopeful.

Anyways, the fluency of the storytelling with TCY was wack and QfG and aCoT completely show that.

WARNING: Spoilers about QfG and aCoT will be discussed in this section.

I could not remember almost 70% of QfG because of how much I hated the plot and looking back at the chapters, I honestly could not believe that the asshat Rhian was only introduced on Chapter 21. Everything after Chaddick's POV chapter seemed to be a blur and Rhian's b*tch ass seemed to have corrupted the whole experience.

8 chapters. He was only in QfG for 8 chapters and yet it feels almost like he's been in it for more than half. Frick. He is traumatizing.

Basically, the middle part of the book, namely chapters 7 to 20, was all about the main cast trying to frickin understand wtf was happening. Agatha and Sophie were trying to figure out the Lion and the Snake thing while Tedros was back in Camelot doing (or failing or being sabotaged with) politics and also trying to understand why tf was Excalibur having a tantrum.

Then Rhian entered and I don't know why or how Nottingham and Robin Hood got involved but he did.

And then more figuring out stuff and sabotaging Tedros and then Rhian and Excalibur and then cliffhanger.

It was all very abrupt and confusing. More confusion was added all because there were more questions asked than actual answers and a sense of depression was felt in the end because nothing was really achieved.

Imma compare this with Book 1 later but first Book 5 comparison.

Now aCoT. It was just the storyline that we needed to get back to the hype that the series had. Was it a satisfying read? Yes but was it able to heal the pain that QfG inflicted? No.

The fandom did not come back the same again.

But anyways, aCoT, personally, had a lot more scenes and events that I remembered than in any other book besides book 1 but that there was the problem with this book.

Too many things happened with this book. So much so that the fluency of the story was sacrificed to tell it.

Look at it this way, several shifts in the book happened.

This all happened in Part 1 only;

Rhian became King and his regime was sort of explained.

Agatha was introduced to the First Years and got her Army.

Sophie was in some sort of GOT-esque knock off experience as Rhian's Captive Queen.

Agatha manages to save some of her friends.

The concept of OTK was explained.

Tedros's execution was on way.

Nevermind, Agatha and her army just straight-up hijacked it.

Prof. Dovey died as a sacrifice.

Okay, now to Part 2;

Reaper is a Gnome King.

The Crystal of Time was finally explained.

They finally find out about Rhian and Japeth's origins.

The Gnomes were ambushed and I feel sorry for them.

Sophie tipped Rhian off with the location because she believed that she would end it all.

We kinda get background with why Rhian wants to be OTK????

Rhian DIES?!?!?! and now Japeth's King ☠

They sort of manage to know about wtf happened with the Lady and Japeth

Tedros and Arthur have a heart to heart and he gets the Ring of Power.

Cliffhanger

It's a lot to take in and I don't really think that Soman should have cramped it all in one book.

Some of the plot points should have been in QfG so that it wouldn't be as depressing.

The whole of Part one was a book in itself and Part 2 was one as well.

At some points of the book, I sometimes got the feeling that it was gonna be the end but it just kept going and going and now I don't really know what's left with OTK. It can be both a good thing or a horrible thing.

Let's see wtf happens. I expect more action than drama Soman.

So again with Book 1.

Book 1 was a classic and the ideas easily hooked anyone interested.

It had the same unaswered questions with QfG but why did it suceed when QfG didn't.

First, is that Book 1 had its atmosphere clear from the start of the book. It was clear that the main thing that needed to happen was that Sophie and Agatha needed to realize the actual nature of their souls. There were more technical questions that needed to be answered but the main point that needed to be addressed was addressed by the end of the book.

And also the ending was also a cliffhanger but it a much lighter note.

Sophie and Agatha realized their capabilities and understood themselves but they still chose each other in the end and that sort of gave way to a much hopeful future for the two of them. (At that time, at least)

All the while, QfG was one depressing ball of events that led to one horrible moment to the other.

It was just sad.

And so I kinda go back to Book 1 from time to time to refresh myself with why I started this series to begin with and I'm always reminded with the possibilities and the explorations about good and evil and the complex duality of differences and parallels that so many things that Sophie and Agatha sort of beautifully personify.

I love reading the very first chapter of Book 1 because it so beautifully captured Sophie and Agatha and their complex relationship that I've always wanted to read in other books.

I always loved reading Sophie's amusing thought process and the reason why she does everything that she does; she does it because she believes that she deserves more and she'll everything to get it.

I also loved how Agatha was such a character that I've always wanted to read about. She's spunky and shy and lonely and reflective and despite everyone shunning her, she could still see the good and find it in herself to help them. She was simply wonderful.

I'm thankful that I found this series and I hope that a lot more books can talk about the philosophies and concepts that this book has managed to introduce. And despite all of its set-backs and nonsense, I would still recommend this as a read but to that they should also think about what they've read and maybe talk about what they've found interesting with it.