#I have been reading this for the past 24 hours legitimately I AM ADDICTED I NEED HELP

[glowinggreenfrog]

I am 20 years too late (legitimately) but for the hospital/ amnesia arc in the Boys Over Flowers manga is wild.

I just got to Umi saying it’s a chance at a fresh start and the violence and the speed I would recreate the rooftop scene of the ending of ERASED without the safety trampoline for that girl specifically is crazy.

And Rui coming in CLUTCH to lay the law and defend his bestie. HE DID NOT GO THROUGH ALL THAT JUST TO HAVE THIS GIRL POP UP AND INVALIDATE THEIR EMOTIONS AND SHES NOT MAIN CAST.

If there’s one man I can count on it’s Rui. He’s my #1. MY MAN!!! If he has a million fans I’m one of them, if he has only one it’s me. I’m lighting a candle for him every day.

[teenywhatever]

Turning Off a Noisy World

*BEEP* *BEEP**BEEP*

*BEEP**BEEP**BEEP*

*BEEP**BEEP**BEEP*

Your alarm goes off in the morning. You roll over, turn it off, and open Instagram, or maybe Snapchat... Facebook, Twitter? Everybody has their go-to social media, I barely started to cover them but aforementioned I’d consider the staple four. During the semester we did an assignment requiring us to be mindful, to take some time without our phone and the constant pull it has. It’s really incredible what happens when I consciously choose to disconnect from electronics and be present.

“For the final lesson, you’re encouraged to take a mindful walk outdoors. Don’t bring your phone, don’t listen to music, just take a walk. Be aware of your surroundings, engage your senses and savor the opportunity to be free of all the digital noise. The walk can be a self-care tool for the always-on social media professional. Use it to relax, discover content opportunities and stimulate thought. For some, the walk can be meditative; rather than focusing on your breath or repeating a mantra, place your focus on the sensation of each stride. Your next big idea may be a few steps away.“

Earlier in the semester, we were asked to keep track of our social media habits. Although I spent roughly an hour total on all social media combined at the time, I decided I needed a legitimate break. For almost an entire month I was without any social media channels and experienced an insanely noticeable increase in my quality of life.

Once the apps were off my phone and inaccessible, I started driving myself crazy every time I opened my phone or closed a text by searching to open these apps that were no longer there. I realized how habitual social media was for me; close texts, open Instagram, close Instagram, open Snapchat, close Snapchat, open Instagram again, and the cycle would continue. Yet now I no longer had these distractions available to me 24/7 to scroll through endlessly.  

So what exactly changed?

I started reading. In less than a week, I finished a book series with each book consisting of 600+ pages. I learned 6 new songs on the guitar and picked up playing the piano for almost an hour a day, which I’d been talking about learning for the past decade. I used up a roll of film in my camera for candid moments that I felt were worth a physical copy. I went to a concert, to the beach, experienced the casinos in Atlantic City for the first time.. and I did this all without feeling the need to share it with everyone, without feeling like I needed to share I was doing something; there was no need for outside approval. I was there, and I was present - present with my friends, who in turn were present with me. I was fully present for myself and my consciousness.  A trend around my friends became “hangup and hangout” which meant keeping the phones down and away. I’ve been more productive, and now that I have social media back, I’ve taken these good habits with me. In fact, and this has always been common for me, I don’t keep my phone with me often. During this time I barely ever had my phone with me and it was often lost or left at home since I didn’t feel the need to have it. This hiatus weakened my attachment to my phone, social media, and the strange need to be aware of what’s going on in everyone's’ lives; I was living my own life and that was plenty for me.

When I wasn’t on social media, I had to reach out to my friends personally and vise-versa to see what they were up to and how they were. Realizing I had so many pointless surface-level conversations with followers or friends on social media, I made the effort to FaceTime my real friends, send them the photos I would have put on my story, or text them about their day instead of seeing what they did through public posts. What I came to notice was how much social media creates an illusion of relationship and connection.

I once read that our thoughts, our self-talk is a conversation with the universe. What we fill our mind with, what we ingest through photos, words, advertisements, tweets, stories, etc impact our thoughts and our self-talk - our soul food. Without social media, I felt very little need to make any comparison between my life and other’s, I barely saw advertisements, I was disconnected from my black mirror and living in real life, in each moment. It’s a completely different way to live life.

This article is not to say social media is terrible, but it can become toxic and addictive, detaching us from our true self-talk and the present moment. It creates a way to be constantly in “the loop”, but the loop of a false reality which contorts our perceptions. I’ve learned there is a time and a way to use my phone and social media that can benefit me without crossing over to being toxic, yet I am mentally healthier and more fulfilled when I have very limited phone use, especially on social media apps. Phones are meant to be helpful and provide resources, yet I find I am living in a world of people completely tuned out to reality and tuned into these little black mirrors searching for something, though no one is sure what. 

If we don’t take the time for a mental cleanse to detach from this reality, it will consume us. 

What do you think?

                                                PEACE & LOVE

Teeny :)

 https://www.instagram.com/teenywhatever/

[deadmantalking117]

DR. FEELGOOD

There's an opiod crisis in America. I read about it everyday. Thousands of people who take narcotics to get high. To blunt the pain of whatever is hurting them. Physically, emotionally, whatever. I don't even pretend to have any kind of solution.. I can only offer you an insiders perspective. My very first experience with the good stuff was right after I got married. I'd had a migraine for the third straight day.. I'd get them several times a year.. but this one wouldn't stop. My mom says enough is enough.. I'm taking you to urgent care. Kat had the kids.. otherwise she'd have driven.. she was concerned by now as well. Never had one last this long. At the urgent care.. the guy checks me out.. "are you allergic to anything?" "Are you ok with a couple of shots.. we'll get you feeling better" Not allergic.. hate shots.. but ok fine Demerol and Thorozine Nectar of the Gods I remember it to this day. Full disclosure time. I'm 24 now.. haven't yet run into the issues that are about to start soon. I dont really drink.. been drunk a handful of times. But I dont drink.. just never cared for it.. don't like the taste, don't like the feeling. I smoked some pot when I was 20-21 but I was always paranoid about getting busted.. plus now I have kids.. and you know what that means.. no money for pot. Tried cocaine a couple times. Kat and I would get a little for "date night". But we're talking birthday or anniversary stuff. So, pretty vanilla for a party guy. Just wasn't much of a chemical romance for me. My how things do change. Demerol and Thorozine No ecstasy so wonderful.. no bliss so complete. I went from being almost blind with pain.. to walking on a cloud.. I floated out the door to mom's station wagon. Such a pretty station wagon! My God.. look at that wood paneling! It sooo beautiful! I opened the door and folded myself in half to get in. Mom says "whatcha doing?" I don't wanna hurt the car by banging into it.. It's so tiny and beautiful... "I think you're covered.. put your feet on the floor.. put on your seatbelt please" Home again after the beautiful magic carpet ride full of neon and colors. In mom's beautiful woody station wagon. I floated thru door.. "Oh my, you look better" Kat laughs You are sooo. Pretty ! You know what would great ? Brownies! And sex!.. and sex brownies! And pizza.. we should have everybody over and BBQ. I'm going to lay down for few minutes, watch a movie.. but then sex brownies! Zzzzzzzz. 2 days later when I started coming around. I honestly have never felt that good in my life. 2 days of being completely pain free.. and floating on clouds. Never before.. certainly not since. The problem with being in chronic pain is this. It's chronic.. that means it NEVER stops. Some days arent too bad. You feel crappy... but honestly.. any person over 40 is familiar with feeling pain every single day. I just got a big headstart from everyone else. A lot of days.. far too many days. The pain is crippling. But most people like me have to figure out how to have a life despite that. So, on we soldier. I'm mid 30's... just really getting bad sick. My doctor is an Internist. The kind of general doctor that does innards. Dr. Feelgood was an amazingly good doctor. Everyone in town knew and loved him. Everything's going wrong all the time.. But Dr Feelgood is working overtime to fix it. I'm in serious pain.. everyday.. all day. But he gives me pain meds. Vicodin, Percocet, fiorinol, demerol, pills, patches, shots. We tried everything. I had access to sleeping pills, xanax, valium. Not all at once of course. But in hefty doses. I was dying.. and I just wanted it to be as pain free as possible. Dr. Feelgood was trying his best. There was a point in my life.. because of the years of taking so many narcotics.. I could take absolutely lethal doses without getting even a little buzz. I could get a migraine.. which at the time was common. Go into the office and get a shot of demerol.. and off to work I'd go. It got rid of the pain ok. But no more highs for poor Steve. The party is long over.. and I'm still always in agony. This was a big reason why I quit everything all at once. For the past 5 years Dr Feelgood has been banging his head against my wall. But we had the opportunity to move to another state.. I'd had my 2nd resection.. so this was as good as it was going to get. Off we go. For the next 3 years.. nothing. Some good days.. some bad.. but no drugs at all. But reality does tend to insert itself. The fact of my life is.. I Have to use narcotics most days..and there are millions of people like me. Used properly they are a miracle for us. Buy there are too many people who see how glamorous its is.. being a drug addict looks like one long party for Steve... lets try it! I do make it look glamorous. The problem today in 2017 is the government is seriously clamping down on legitimate prescriptions for legitimate patients. Every time my doctor prescribes narcotics. She gets a letter from uncle Sam. It tells her all the good drugs she's given out vs. How much other doctors have written. You never want to be on the naughty list. Dont stand out! That means they now have to ration out the good stuff. They can't have several patients getting narcotics. So those of us who have a legitimate reason to take them. Can't always get them. Most doctors practices will not even take you as a patient if you are on narcotics! Wont even talk to you about it. So here's my current nightmare. If I lose my current doctor.. I may not be able to get another.. ever. All because of the opioid epidemic It's happened already.. About 12 years ago.. after my 3rd bowel resection.. my GI. said we could try... Morphine. It's good for guts like yours. It helps with pain.. it causes constipation.. which can balance the scales with the diarrhea you always now have. Cuz of the fact that you have almost no intestines left. But there's rules.. you can only get so many per month. There will never be more. Don't ask. No other drugs from any other doctors. Ever. No drug seeking behavior. Ever. Dont feed it after midnight or get it wet. In 12 years I've never broken the rules. Not once. But I had started going to a pain management Doctor. She took over all prescriptions.. but same rules. Thats what they do. And again.. I followed the rules. But she was willing to up the doses over the years. And eventually I was getting some pretty good amounts. Now to be clear. I haven't gotten high from morphine since almost ever. It just helps the pain some.. keeps my guts pretty calm. But one day I get a form letter.. they're closing down the pain management aspect of their practice because of government pressures. Too much hassle. So I go back to my original GI who started me on it, to take it back over. But he just had to retire after serious back surgery. And his partner wont talk to me. RuhRow! What do I do Scooby doo? I was lucky enough to find someone for about a year.. she cut me way down.. but at least there was something. But this isn't really her specialty.. and she's getting the letters from uncle Sam. So.. fuck it.. I quit ! Cold turkey.. I planned it out so I could take off a month from work. Stocked up on ensure.. and T.P. Got ready for withdrawls. They were as horrible as you see on t.v. or movies. Basically it's like having the flu really bad for a couple weeks. After a month I was clean.. but my new nightmare was in full view. I am missing a large portion of my intestines after 3 bowel resections. It's called Short Bowel Syndrome. Everything that goes in.. goes right back out.. fast. No sight seeing along the way. If course the rapid pass through causes severe spasms and pain. I could no longer leave my bedroom. Not ever. I was on the toilet 10 times a day or more. And I barely ate at all. My new GI wasn't to happy about going the morphine route. I remember our appointment a couple months after I'd quit cold turkey. I wrote down my reasons why I wanted her to put me back on. I was bawling as I tried to convey how miserable I was.. I wanted my sad pathetic life back! I don't want to only be able to get out of bed so I could shit myself to death. I begged like dog. She agreed at a much lower dosage.. and of course.. all the same rules apply. Most days.. it's not even close to enough. But at least I can get out occasionally. Work a few hours a week. Play Pokemon Go with the grandkids and my beautiful wife. I get to have some little bit of a life. If anything happens to her.. or she just decides otherwise. My life will literally be over. My entire life is on the line. Every month. I go to pick up my refill prescription from her.. I think.. is this the month she cuts me off? I don't wanna die. I didn't do anything wrong. I don't have the answer to any of this. All I know is that there are thousands, maybe millions of people in this exact same boat. Narcotics are the only thing keeping them alive or letting them have some measure of relief from pain that you couldn't imagine in your worst dreams. Our governments solution right now is to take away all narcotics from everyone.. let God sort 'em out. Crack down on doctors who are trying to keep them alive. Cut funding for rehabilitation services and mental health. The 2 best tools to curb the opiod epidemic. These are just facts I'm sorry to say. I just don't understand how they can be so callous and cruel. I didn't do anything wrong. I don't deserve this.

[shadowmn214]

Blog 2017/JUN/24 - “One Year Changes Everything"

- - - So a couple of things have been bothering without me really knowing it. My body was certainly aware last night as I felt like I was sick but wasn't really. I tried calming myself and found that it worked. I found that I could not sleep and I felt shitty due to anxiety. And while Anxiety is nothing new to me It usually does not have so much of a hold on me that it gives me physical stomach pain. - - - For starters I went to a con yesterday in my closest city. It was hot out and not helping things I was wearing full leather (thinking that it was going to rain like it actively said in the forecast). I basically just wander around and look for things to do besides spend money at the shops... which I did anyway. - - So when I met up with Greenbird and her friend. I walked around with them as they took their first look at the shops. We talked here and there for a bit and I tried my best not to hover or be in the way. I even took a picture with her, the first one we have together. So that was cool. Talked about a piece of clothing I was commissioning her for. It was about 2pm and I was going to leave because I had family over. So As soon as they stopped next in a place where I could say something (Cons are loud and I hate shouting) I was just going to say that I would see them sometime tomorrow. But they walk into the girls bathroom without even saying anything. And I'm thinking... ok what the fuck is this, are we 12? No warning no nothing. Reminds me of shit people would do to me in High school. Even if they didn't mean it, it's still a dick move. Just be an adult and say, "Hey we're gonna go check out the rest of the con" or "Hey, we're gonna go to the bathroom, we'll see you later" just to low key tell me to fuck off I would have been fine. - - I am really sure at this point that they do not consider me a worthwhile friend and if they do they don't respect me as one. Actually I have a feeling that Greenbird still thinks I'm romantically interested in her; which hasn’t been true for like 6 months at this point. I'm trying to be a friend but it seems to me that my kindness is being mistaken as something else. I mean, how could I be romantically interested in someone who communicates so vastly different than I do, or who has virtually never gotten back to a message in a timely manner. That's like the #1 most important thing. I learned that way back with Rose. And it's just like disheartening. I can feel the awkward vibes I'm not dumb, but they're coming from her because I know I'm not nervous or even worried about my actions around her. - - But anyways so when I got back to my car I texted her that I was going to leave for the day. I also said that I was sorry if it felt like I was hovering or following them around, I have no other friends who go to these events for the most part. It's the next morning currently and there's been no reply. So I'm gonna wash my hands of this. I'm just so tired of it. I might use her for commission work in the future but the relationship is going to be strictly professional. - - - So at the time I'm like ok whatever I just wanted to find a Sailor Neptune Cosplayer to take a picture with her for Luna (to say she really loves sailor moon is an understatement) and then go home. So I made a few passes and then gave up and went back to my car. But as I took everything off I found her and was able to get a picture with her. She did an awesome job with it and it looked spot on. So I sent the picture of us to Luna. It was the first time she has never responded back to me since I've known her. It was actually kind of sad as time went on and there was nothing. It also made me realize that these friendships I considered myself lucky to have were really all just smoke and mirrors. They were broken, cracked right through the foundations. - - - I had a lot on my mind with my family here visiting. So i wasn't really able to analyze and come to terms with these realizations, feelings, and emotions. And it seems to have manifested itself when i was trying to sleep last night. It took allot of focus to calm my stomach and sleep. So this morning and I wake up to see a Video from Schone. I can't say I felt like she was addressing me (as I recently wrote her a letter) but I did feel as though some of the things she said did affect me. Like how I keep holding on to these relationships that are even subtly toxic to me. That hurt me sometimes. And if I do plan to get married that I need to be aware of these things because as a Man, I am the one to be hurt the most, legally speaking, from a divorce. And knowing myself at least a little bit, emotionally as well. - - That letter I wrote to Luna will be out in a few days. Lately I've been so conflicted about it, whether I should tell her about it or not and how she will receive it. Now I realize that it doesn’t matter and never did. No matter what I say, Greenbird, Luna, or whoever else I feel I need to explain myself to, won't be moved, or change their minds from anything I have to say. I am essentially just talking to myself, or the wind, or a blog. These people may have offered me comfort and solace in the past but now they hurt me. And unless they change there is no future of anything with them. The worst part about this is I am choosing a bigger quicker pain, over a smaller pain over time. And it is very difficult. It's not fucking easy. It just reinforces the notion that we are all alone in the end, and there truly is a vast ocean under ever person. And while the water may seem perfect, and you are willing to look past some of the murky parts, there could me more than just murk below the surface of crystal clear water. - - - And so I take what Schone said and I realize that it's been a while since I legitimately asked myself and actually thought about what I might be doing wrong. What am I doing wrong? Do I care to much? Do I forgive too easily? Am I too willing to look past a few unsavory personality traits because I know that I have them too? Do I give these people too much credit for the goodness I see in them? And do I live in the past still, when I think about how these people once made me feel whole? Am I just addicted to that feeling? Am I just dealing with those who aren't at peace with themselves yet, or am I not at peace with myself? - - I've known, after this past year, to never to think that I have myself all figured out, because I know I don't... I know I can't. But man, this just takes it one step further and pulls me under to the point where I don't know what to do anymore. I'm gonna keep doing me and being the best of myself... but here, in this part of my life... I need to start asking myself these questions. And I honestly don't know if it's me or not sometimes. Which situation is me compromising, and which is someone just not reciprocating respect. I'm sure that some of these questions I can't answer, at least not definitively and perfectly. - - There is still a part of me who hopes that at least Luna will read this one day and reach out to me. Because at least she, whom I was so close with, and loved so completely, could comfort me in my hour of need. But here we are again, so willing to help others at the drop of a hat, and to receive none from the ones we want it the most in return. I guess I am doing something wrong. I just have to figure out exactly what it is. I refuse to believe that it’s because I care too much. Because the moment I stop caring is the moment where I change back into someone who I never wanted to be, someone who I was becoming last year and was even more miserable that I am now. Life if Hard, Humans are Complicated; it's nothing new. Can't I just have a little bit of peace?